Divers crabtree lectures Expressing the severall languages that shrews read to their husbands, either at morning, noone, or night. With a pleasant relation of a shrewes Munday, and shrewes Tuesday, and why they were so called. Also a lecture betweene a pedler and his wife in the canting language. With a new tricke to tame a shrew.

A Crab-tree Lecture .

Of shrewes Munday , and Shrewes Tuesday , and why they were so called .

THey are much mistaken who call these two dayes , in the beginning of the first weeke of Lent , Shrove-Munday and Shrove-Tuesday , for wee have no word either from the old Brittish , Danish , or Saxon Tongue , neither from any other intermixed language significant to that purpose , proper to the dayes , or suiting with the time . But if the Reader desire to bee instructed in the truth from the Originall . Know that the words are mis-written , and mis-sounded , and mistaken , for they should be read and voyc'd Shrewes-Munday , and Shrewes-Tuesday ; and the reason why they ought to bee so , I have beene instructed thus .

It is by ancient Custome held to be the only season for Collops and Egges , Fritters , and Pancakes : and as in the City , so both in the Court and Countrey : But the accident following , which I am now to relate , first happened in the Countrey .

Of a Farmers Wife .

AN honest plaine simple Farmer , on this leading day of the weeke , comming hungry from the Plough , found his Wife busily making Pancakes for him and his family : The good man being at that time more humorous than needed , beganne to be very capcious at every thing , taking unjust exceptions at the coursenesse of the flower , the taste of the Suite , the thicknesse of the Batter , and the like . At which the good woman , though shee smothered it outwardly , yet vexing inwardly to bee so crost and troubled in her businesse , as knowing he was better experienced in the Plough , than the Panne , and to eate Pancakes better than to make them , intreated him to sit downe and be patient , and shee would presently shew him a new tricke for his Learning .

The simple Novice desirous of novelty , beganne more calmly to listen to her , and asked her what it was ? who readily answered againe : Sweete Husband you see this Pancake I am now turning : marke it well : now take this platter in your hand , and goe into the yard , bending with your Backe against the doore , looking straight forward , not stirring from where I shall place you , and when it is ready , I will tosse it from the fire out of the toppe of the Chimney , & it shall fall directly into your dish , and bee ready at the watch-word when I shall say Now.

The silly man thinking shee had spoke seriously was soone perswaded , and kept his place ( with his face from the doore ) stil● looking upwards towards the toppe of the Chimney when it would first flye out , and after fall : when she having given the watch-word , came suddenly behinde him , & with the pan and all clapt the Pancake upon his head , with a blow which had almost strooke him downe : and to excuse her selfe , said thus ; O Husband , if your blocke head had not beene in the way , the Pan-cake that light upon your pate had falne into the dish : and I fearing what is now falne out , thought to have catcht it in the panne , if you had faild in the platter .

At which words the husband rubbing his Browes , well basted with the fat of the Panne , said unto her ; Now a mischiefe take thee for an arrant Shrew : this wil make me think on this Shrewes Munday ( for thy sake ) whilst I live : and from thence , it is thought , the day had its first denomination . And without question upon the like accident done by some curst Shrew or other came the next day following to bee cald Shrewes Tuesday , & so weeping Wednesday , terrible Thursday , frowning Friday , and sullen Saturday , especially when her husband denyes her to goe amongst her Gossips on Sunday .

Hence comes it also that if any one hath crost another in a businesse , or done him a bad Office , which mny prove to his dammage or hinderance , the phrase that is still most in custome , is to say , that such , or such a man , did purpose , or hath done me a shrewd turne .

And now followes severall Shrewes Lectures to their Husbands , and in their severall professions : First of an Apothecaries wife to her Husband , because he deales in Simples , and hath taken upon him the Office of a Scavenger .

A Lecture of an Apothecacaries wife to her Husband , who is chosen a Scavenger in his Parish .

NOW Good-man Simpleton , we shall have you grow so proud now you have got an office , that you thinke none is good enough to bee your fellow : I had thought your owne imployment in your profession had beene trouble enough to you , and not to have sought for an Office , and made friends for it likewise : Now I see you are troubled with the Simples , you had not need to goe a simpling every yeare as you doe , God knowes you have so little wit already : I would you would goe the next time & get some Compounds to furnish your selfe with , & to concoct your Brains , for you have now but a shallow wit , and are glad to weare a Sattin Cappe to keepe that in too : you had need keepe home , and learn to know something more in your profession , than what is already printed in bookes . When any one of your acquaintance is not well , and desires your advice , then you can prescribe them nothing but a little Stybium ; then when another comes , Stybium ; this is all you can doe , onely a little Stybium . Goe , thou art a stupified Asse , and knowes better how to purge thy Patients money out of his pocket , than to remove any disease from his body : you wil come to them , and aske them how they doe , this is all , and bid them be of comfort , when there is a great deale of danger , and pretend to feele their pulse , when your minde is to filtch their purse . I would there were a meanes how to have your Braines taken out , and braid in a Morter , that they may bee a little better compounded , for as they be , thou wilt never be able to discharge thy brave Office , asse thou calst it , of a Scavenger , for thou canst not cast up any accompt , nor reckon up any summe above twenty shillings ; I hope thou wilt lose by it , and ever after be jeered for thy folly ; you imagine your selfe a brave fellow , doe you not , because you are met by some who knowes you , with a money bagge in the one hand , and a Rowle of the parishioners names in the other : you thinke your selfe not a little graced to bee called to this preferment , because you would be taken notice of in the Parish : and now you have got a great many of Titles by your Office , the better to honour your person withall , and these are some of them , which your memory cannot beare : first you are Duke of the Dung-Cart , then Earle of the Channell , Lord of the Soyle , Vicount Rubbish , Commander of the Sea-coale Ashes , and Master of the Dung-hill , a goodly company are they not : It is no marvaile indeede you must make you a new suite of Apparrell to performe this Office in , and to goe up and downe the street and from doore to doore , to gather your money in , as if you were to beg an Almes ; and goe twice or thrice before you can be paid your due : you had better never had served this base stinking office , and have given so much money out of your purse , because you loose so much time , and likewise is in danger of every raskally knave or promouters complaint to one Justice or other , if a little durt bee left , unlesse you give them a Fee , as you often have done to hold their tongues ; or else you will bee clapped by the heeles a day and a night , and this is all the good you will get by your great Office .

Husb. I prethee good wife have patience , it is but a little while longer ; I have served it hitherto with commendations & I hope I shal come off with credit , though it be a little time lost and money spent , I will get it up againe , for that is the first Office that every man must serve , and so by degrees come higher and higher , and at length to be Church-warden , and then let me alone to helpe my selfe , for all my losse of time and expence of money ; I will then beg hard for the poore , but charitie begins at home ; it is but when I receive money from the others that collect it , be a little close fisted , or hold it betweene my fingers with the palme of my hand down-wards , and make as though I had a louse in my necke , and shrug a little of one side , and then of the other , and so thrust it downe into my necke where I have a list of cloath about my waste that it cannot fall downe or drop out : let me alone , I will be cunning enough for them I will warrant you , and though thou count me but a shallow brain'd , & simple fellow , because I am an Apothecarie and use simples ; yet thou shall know I am not such an ideot or foole to loose all and be laughed at too , but I will make some body pay for it ; and so good wife doe not any way disparage me in my profession or judgement any more to any of my patients ; and though some of our owne trade call me at their pleasures and say I looke like an Asse , yet I am not one , let those terme me foolish and simple , if I fall into any of their hands to take Physicke . I thinke those are the greatest simplisians that use Physicke most , and so I hope good wife I have given you satisfaction for this time , desiring you to have patience , in saying little , and doing no more , and in so doing , we shall remaine alwaies friends and lovers .

A Lecture of a Barbars wise to her Husband .

O Thou base Shaver , who wilt not suffer an haire to grow amisse in another , when thou thy selfe livest out of all order ; thou that pellest and polest the Commons , and boastest that a King must be bare to thee , when thou art forc't to stand , when every Begger sits that commeth under thy fingers : thou thinkest thy selfe a trimme fellow , and canst trim thy selfe every day in the weeke ; when , upon thine owne knowledge , I cannot be trimmed once in a fortnight : nay , and am glad of that too , if I could tell how to come by it : but what can bee expected from such a scrape-scull as thy selfe ; who art no better than a Nitty , nay , a very lousie fellow , who though thou never repentest thy selfe of thine owne sinnes , makest every man that sits in thy Chaire , to put on white Linnen , and doe penance : For thou hast ( I dare sweare in my conscience ) more base-sonnes in private , than Basons hanging at thy doore in publicke : Nay , let the quietest men in the Parish ( I might say the Church-Wardens themselves ) come to bee trimmed at thy shoppe , thou keepst such a bawling in their eares , that ( if the Bell-man be abroad ) the whole streete rings on 't : but when any businesse of import comes , then thou art still out of the way . Where wert thou , you Rogue , when the Queane your Nurse was to bee shaven ? you must bee at Sea ( a poxe take you ) I was glad to play the Barber in your absence , and to use the Razor my selfe , and for my slovenly worke to make the world talke of mee : You must leave a poore bashfull boy at home , and taught him onely to barbe the beard , and correct the haires of the chinne ; but when that worke came to be done , he was as farre to seeke , as thou wert to bee found , and that was farre enough I warrant you : I was glad to use the aide and counsell of two or three of my best Gossips , and when she was shaven , because the cocke was dry , we were forc'd to carrie her to the pumpe and wash her , and there had beene a goodly sight if your rogue-ship had beene there to have seene it ; you went to sea with a goodly haire of your head , & now you are come home againe as bald as a birds-arse , and what excuse have you for this ? when any man taxeth thee of it , thou biddest them everie night looke to the sweeping of thy shop , and there went the haire away , and is this a sufficient answer for thee thou pole-davies ?

A Sergeant or Catchpoles wife to her husband .

A Sergeant ? I would I had married with a Syrreverance , when I matcht with thee ; what canst thou doe without thy Yeoman , and if hee stand not to thee , ( which is seldome ) what art thou then varlet ? thou art the Blood-hound , and hee is the Beagle , to set , and watch , and follow , and lye lurking in secret corners to catch poore men as they goe about their businesse when they least thinke of it ; and then thou wilt haile them like a dog through the street , if they will not give thee what mony thou wouldst have ; thou dealest in so many of other mens cases abroad , that thou canst say little or nothing to thine own ( thogh it lie never so ope ) at home , a catch pole , a cutpurse , nay a verie caterpillar of the common wealth , teaching bankrupt freemen to sing a counter-tenor in woodstreet and the Poultry , and practisest pricksong in the Suburbs amongst thy Roisters and pole-cats ; I confesse thou art a shoulder clapper , but thou seldome clappestwhere thou shouldest clap , thou pestilent pill-garlicke , you are cald an officer ( with a vengeance ) I pray you what good office have you ever done me , unlesse to keep me above staires , whilest you lodge others in the hole , and that is a curtesie with a curse to you ; thou pratest to mee of the paper house , I had as live thou hadst kist me where I sat on Saturday , for to thee the cheekes with eies , and the blind cheekes are all one , and so thou art all one , and I thinke wilt never bee otherwise ; you will be cald a young man too , you old rogue , but I pray you when shall I see any of your youthfull tricks ? not in hast I warrant you ; you will be sure to take an order for that ; and if I should die to morrow , you know where to have your second wife the next day after : the same Bell that tolls to my buriall , will ring out to you second bridalls : But now I thinke upon it , I le spit in my hand and take better hold , to put your nastie worship out of your conceit , and to set wiseakers your whoores nose besides the cushion : nay it shall goe hard but I will be before hand with you both : thou broughtest home a prisoner to mee last weeke , a young Grocer that had newly set up for himselfe , and left him in charge with me , till thou wentest abroad to talke with his creditors ; I confesse I kept him there close prisoner , and a good guest he was for the time , for hee discharged the whole house , and over and above hee paid mee soundly ; since whose departure I have not beene very well at ease , and for his sake when I am sicke ; let mee have Sinnamon enough , and Ginger enough , and Sugar , Nutmeg , and Cloves enough ; but I shall never more for his sake endure any Mace in my Cawdle

A Country Sadlers wise to her husband .

WHen I married with a Sadler , I would I had married with a Sow-gelder , nay in my conscience I thinke I should have had the better match of the two , for so many yeeres I have beene thy wife , and yet this Wiseaker could never find the wit to set the saddle on the right horse : now my pitty on thee thou poore patch-pannell , yet for all thy pitcherie & patcherie thou never thinkest of mending the patch thou shouldest most mind , thou thinkest to curbe me , and snaffle me , to bridle me , and to feede mee with a bit and a knocke , but I wonder when I shall find a good stirre-up come from thee : all thy care is to see other folkes jades made fine , neat , and handsome , whilst thine owne beast at home can neither bee comb'd , rub'd , nor curried , so that for want of good dressing shee is readie to fall into the disease of the scratch , which makes me ready to scorne thee with my heeles ; for thou art never like to come so neer as my heart : It is an old proverbe and a true , who goes worse shod than the Shoomakers wife ; and I may say by experience , who useth the saddle lesse than hee that owes it ; but I could serve thee in thy kind , and shew thee a trick for thy learning , for where thou keepest thy owne saddle-tree bare , I know how , and where to have it covered with plush and velvet , and yet thou neither the wealthier nor the wiser ; this I can doe , and this I will doe , if thou shortly dost not mend thy manners : but thou usest to serve me , as thou dost thy best customers , when thou shouldst stuffe their faddles with good Merchantable haire , thou bobst them off with the coursest hey bought in Smithfield for nine-pence a trusse , but that 's a thing that I doe not stand so much upon neither ; what care I how thou cheatest abroad , so thou wouldst be carefull to give the divell his due at home ; nay bootlesse it is to chafe , or vexe , or fret , or fume , 't is all to no purpose ; nor trouble mee in my tale , till my lecture be read at large , for my tongue shall walke till my breath faile , and after some little pause I shall be ready to begin again ; nor doe I purpose to give over till mine houre be full out ; nay never offer to stop thine eares , but if thou wilt needs bee stopping , stop where thou shouldest stop , for thou shalt never stop my mouth whil'st thine eyes are open .

A Lecture of an Horse-coursers wife to her Husband .

IT is a Custome amongst all men and their wives , though they never agree so well , yet at some time or other their slow fires will grow into combustion , and as the fuel is added of either side so to grow to a great incendiary ; and so it happened betwixt this couple : An old Horse-courser ( betwixt whom and a knave , there is as little difference , as betwixt him that I named last and a Broker ) married a young wife , ( a pretty modest slut she was ) and had spleene in her , ( as ill women have ) but never shewed it , and like a flint had concealed fire , but till hee with his steele strook too hard upon it , there never appeared any sparkle ; but when the Tinder once takes , you may light a Candle for any merchants Lanthorne , to shew al the street over : and so it fared with these , for he having tempted her beyond all patience , her breast swelling till shee had almost burst her lace , she fell into these Tearmes . An Horse-courser , an hang-dogge , for Hangman is too good a name for thee , who wouldest ride more Gills than thou dost Jades : ( for an honest wife is too good for thee , or any of thy generation ) thou for thy cheating in horses better deservest to bee burnt in Smithfield than any women for poysoning her Husband : but the Devill shall poyson thee before I wil : for none of all your spurre-galling Rascalls shall make an holy day for mee : But I perceive such saddle-nos'd , and saddle-backt Rascals , set them but ( like a begger ) and they care not how they ride to the Devill . Thou goest from Hostry to Hostry , but it will be long enough before thou wilt set up thy Nagge in my Stable , thou wall-ey'd wickednesse : A Rogue of thy yeares and hast not sow'd all thy wild Oates yet ? before I will lead this life with thee longer I wil eate hey with an horse , you base blinkin-soppe : nay more , if every man had his right , and the Devill his due , thou art worthy to bee hanged in the very halter that thou leadest thine horse in .

Gladly he would have interrupted her , and beganne to say something to small purpose : but the Jacke was woond up , and downe it must , and therefore not to be meddled with till it was ready to be woond up againe : For she had vowed to Doe out her Doe ; and that she would see done , and therfore pursu'd her discourse in this manner .

Doe you beginne to kicke like your gald horse already ? Nay , I thought I should set you beside your stirrops . Thou hast more mystery in thee than a Mountebanke , and more tricks than a Jugler , and passest more lame & poore commodities , broken winded Iades , than either of them with their hy-passe and re-passe . Hast thou not brought an old mare into the Market , ( on my knowledge ) above fifteen , and laid thy hand upon her head , and sworne to thy Chapman she hath beene under five ? ( equivocating , and meaning your five fingers ) and what was this better than cheating ? nay , when thou hast sworne a nagge to be sound of winde and limbe , ( and yet I never knew thee to be so of either ) when thy Customer hath tooke him out to ride him for a triall , and found him to halt downe right , hast thou out-fac't him , that he had no other fault , but that hee tooke him when his feet were asleepe : and what was this better than Conicatching ? Thou art a very cruell hearted fellow , to beate and belabour thy horses every houre in the day with a broome-staffe about their sides , to make your Customers beleeve they are full of mettle , when it is for feare of thy Cudgell they stirre & move about : thou hast such base tricks in thee , that my conscience will not suffer thee any longer to reigne in thy roguery : Nay more , thou keepest thy hackny Whoors : They stand at the bottle , ( of Sacke and Clarret ) but I am tide up to racke and Manger , and none but a Mangy fellow would offer to use his wife so : Nay , I have put Breeze under your Taile , I think I have netled you , my tongue hath but ambled all this while , or at least gone an easie Trot ; but spurre me on a little further , and put it into a false Gallop , and then come upon mee the best of you all , Cut or Long Taile : Thou shalt not finde that my Tongue will tire within a Mile of the Towne , nor my selfe neither if I were well try'd . But for mine owne part ( as thy Conscience can witnesse ) I am neither well litter'd , nor well provender'd , nor well breath'd , nor well rubb'd , nor well curried , nor indeed well any thing'd . Thou keepe thy market without the railes ? thou ride thy horses in Cuckolds pound ? have I wrung you in the withers ? have I rub'd you on the gald backe ? have I in the stead of an handkerchiefe , given you a drench for your glanders ? Now fye upon thee for a ranke Rider , thou shalt finde in mee from henceforth there shall be more in 't than to get up and ride .

A Taylers wife to her husband .

MOst sure my father was frantick , and my mother mad , and both of them out of their wits , to match me to such a Mopus : I was in hope they had married me to a man , but they have thrust mee on a Tayler , of which three of the best , can scarce make a good on : he talks of nothing but his yard , and his yard , and is not able to affoord his wife London measure ; whilst thou sittest crosse-legg'd upon thy boord , like a Hare on a poulterers stall , I am faine to lye crossing mine armes in my bed , I wish thou wouldst eate lesse bread , and take more drinke , and then there were some hope that in time thou wouldst learne to winde up thy bottome : when he thinks to doe his best , it is but so so , and he cannot goe thorow stitch with any thing ; I thought I should not have met with so simple a seaming mate , or so purblind a Coxecombe that cannot see in the darke to find the eye of his owne needle which any other could doe blind foulded : if any one see thy backe they may know by thy feet and thy legs that thou art a Taylor , a Hare and a Taylor doth much agree , thou sittest on thy shop-boord crosse-legged , so doth a Hare lie crosse-legged on a poulterers stall ; doe you remember that a Nobleman gave you a cast suite , and you like a proud rascall went and put it on , and marched to the Court to see the mask , and forgetting your selfe , put your hand in your pocket to pull out your handkerchiefe to wipe your face , and then came out with it your thimble , your button-moulds , and your bodkin ; was not this a bold tricke of thee thou lousie nitty Tayler : the proverbe is very true of you , Tayler like , poore , proud , and beggerly , not worth my Grandames groat : you goe like Gentlemen into Knights hou-houses , which are your customers , and then you returne like watchmen , with your bills in your hands ; There is many a Sadler and Body-maker beholding to you , for you furnish them with the finest cloath and taffata to make their saddles and their bodies with , which you steal out of a customers garment , and when you are asked if any cloath or stuffe be left , then you will sweare , and lye , and protest you could hardly make it serve , and that you had not an inch left in the world , no not so much as to lap about your finger ; then they beleeve you , when you have it in your hell , or in your cutting house which devoures more such remnants then ever Wood the great eater of Kent did pennie loaves all his life time : and how many yards of silver lace have you nimed and kept backe by your stretching and pulling of it , to the spoyling of many a good garment ; nor doe you allow me any thing to weare but what you filtch and steale off other folkes garments ; the other day I did but desire to have a new lace to put upon an old peticoat which hath beene twice in Trig-lane , and thou would not buy it me , nor should I have any thing unlesse I would accept of that small remnant , as you cald it of sixe or eight yards of lace , which you cozened our Sextons wife the other of : you pay the rent of the house by this unlawfull meanes , and unlesse you let me have a new gowne , my conscience will not suffer me to conceale this your knaverie , but I will reveale it , and have it put in print to the view of all men : you have now a suite on your backe , the other now is at pawne , and lies in lavender , and though some thinke it to be all alike behind as it is before , but it is not so , for there is nothing but Canvas behinde , and onely butter'd before to make your neighbours beleeve you are a brave fellow .

Hus.

This it is for me to reveale the secrets of my trade to my wife .

Wif.

It is no great matter , you are a haire-braind fellow , and a jealous coxecombe : I must not forsooth speake to a Customer , or to one of my Lodgers , but presently your blood is up , and hold up the fist , and looke on me , as the Divell look't over Lincolne , and use mee at your pleasure when they are gone ; but if you continue this course of rough dealing with me , & will not let mee have my will , I will make you asham'd of it : I will say nothing else ; you may imagine : for if men use their wives as they should doe , it is the cause of preserving many a smooth brow , which otherwise would prove rough and rugged , by their unkinde dealing with them : and what you get of mee by your ill words and usage of me , you shall put in you eye , and see ne're the worse .

Thou busiest thy self in gathering other mens rents , and if I have but a stich in my side thou knowst not how to take it up : Thou a workeman , thou a very botcher ; and such I shall ever hold thee to be : Besides , an ungratfull fellow thou art ; for though thy Customers pay thee well , yet thou wilt not sticke to sit on their skirts ; and wilt strive to have other mens hose well lin'd , but canst affoord no stuffing to thine owne breeches : and when I looke but under thy Shop-boor'd ; mee thinkes it is a very hell to live with thee , and Purgatory is a very Paradice unto it ; and yet with thy snippery and snappery thou thinkest to go shear away with all . Thou art every day basting and basting , and yet canst affoord me no roast-meate all the weeke long : I am sure thou wilt not allow thy servants their bellies full , but pinch them of their victualls ; and that is one thing that makes so many Taylers to bee Theeves : one Egge must serve two Prentises for their dinner , and thou makest them eate it with the point of their needles , because they should not eate too greedily to choake themselves . Thou hittest me in the teeth , that thou wilt goe to sea and leave me : but I know thou hast not the heart , good-man Hop-kennell : for I know ( upon mine owne knowledge ) that there are no shreds of Man-hood in thee : and as shee was thus taunting him , a Customer came in by chance , who interrupted her , and the Clocke withal strook just eleven ; and so she ended her Lecture .

A Poets Wife to her Husband .

WEll , I will be short howsoever sweet ; & as thou tel'st other men of their faults , so I will not sticke to tell thee of thine owne errors . Thou an Artist ? thou an Asse ; a very pen-goose of Pernassus , and thinking thy selfe to be a minion , art no better than a meere mockery to the Muses : For I prethee what hast thou got either by Helicon , or Hipocrene ? scarce good Cloathes to thy backe , whilst thou studiest to uncloake other mens knaveries ; labouring to make thy Lines goe in even feete , and canst not maintaine thy Legges in good Bootes : and if your Loggerhead shall get a Lawrell , what then ? can your Muse feede you with Mutton ? or can you buy your selfe Beefe with the leaves of a Bay-Tree ? can your Rime make you feede on Rabbets ? your Canzonets on Capons ? or your Poetry on Partridge ? I must confesse on Wood-cockes they may , if you could finde a spring to catch them . You get nothing now a dayes but by flattery and dissembling , onely Wine and Tobacco , by keeping some young Novice company in humouring him , by telling some strange stories , and idle fables , and then at night come home drunke that you are not able to stand , with such a red face , that if your eyes were Matches , they would set your nose on fire : thou a Poet ? thou a Pot-head : your invention is never ripe , but when you have beene a potting and a piping , and then you have but a flash ; for you have not a braine to keepe your conceite ; it is dead as soone as it is thought upon : thy Poetry hath made mee almost mad . I pray you what hath your pen purchast ? or your Goose-quill got you ? or to what preferment hath it raised you ? unlesse to be the Printers Packe-horse , the Stationers Iourny-man , and the Players Drudge : I the Players , who have the wit to keepe you poore , that they themselves may pranke it in Plush : For who in these dayes can know a Poets wife from a Pedlers , or such Iacks from Gentlemen ? who like Hogges feede upon Akhornes , and never cast up their eies to looke towards the Boughes from whence they fall . I have found it by observation , and so have others , that the first stoppe to beggerie , is to write to the Stage . I speake not of all , but of you poore Poets , who have made them your Idols , who ought rather to have falne downe and worship't you , who have put Oracles into their mouthes , who would eate the bread out of yours . Nay , do not vexe to bee Catechised in that , of which I have heard thee so oft ( and not without just cause ) complaine : Further shee was proceeding , when one of her Neighbours called upon her to goe along with her to the Christning of a Neighbours Child ; so that shee was for that time forced to breake off on the suddaine : At which her Husband was glad to bee ridde of her clamour ; and I not forry , for in her ending so suddainely , shee hath saved mee some labour .

A Lecture of a Farriers Wife to her Husband , and a Glasiers Wife , comming to mediate the matter betwixt them .

A Farrier having angred his wife in crossing her untoward humour , she fell foule upon him by no allowance , and beganne with him as followeth .

Thou an Horseleich ? thou an Hobby-horse , and hast more diseases upon thee than any Iade that comes to be drencht at thy Forge : for thou hast the Webbe in thy eyes , the Glanders in thy nose , the Staggers in thy head , and the Botts in thy belly : thou art troubled moreover with the rotten Couch in thy Longs , the Spring-halt in thy hippes , the Spary in thy legges , the Scratches in thy heels , and indeede art nothing but rottennesse , and diseases all over ; and what comfort hath a likely woman , as I am , to lye with one all the night grunting like an Hogge , groaning like an Horse , coughing like a sheepe , and spitting and spawling like one that is sweated on the Poxe ( God blesse us : ) then thou criest out , O the Gout in my Toes , O the Sciatica in my Thighes ; insomuch , that Bedlam is a better place to sleepe in , than our Bed : she was now but in her Prologue , when in comes their next neighbour , being a Glasiers wife , who had over-heard all that had past , and perswaded her to be patient , saying . Nay good Neighbour , I am very sorry to see you in this passion , I see something hath disquieted you , I pray you forbeare and be a little moderate in your language to your Husband , it doth not become a women to be thus brawling in the open streete , and disgracing of her Husband , it will be a meanes for him never to have a care of you , but rather to neglect his calling : you had better perswade him by faire meanes ; and not thus by foule ; for men are men , and they will not be contrould , and especially in the open shop , where all passengers to see you , and take notice of it : tell him of his faults betweene your selves when you are abed together , then hee will give you the better hearing , and feeling in the cause , which this way will ne're doe , but make him more in a rage , and e'ne carelesse of his businesse ; and shee said , that her husband was an honest quiet man , and well thought of by all his neighbours , and shee did not well to use him in such unreverend tearmes : and was proceeding further , where the Farriers wife quickly & sharply cut her off , after this manner , unreverently .

Far. Wife .

Marry Syrreverence , goodly Gossip : I pray you Mistris Gill Flurts how came you by that goodly word ? with my finger in your mouth , and a toy at the end of it : Doe you come from an Ale-house bench , from amongst the rest of your talking Gossips to tell me what I have to doe ; get you home , and counsaile your owne husband , and meddle not with mine : you have beene too late in his company , have you not ? that is it which makes you take his part : goe , you are a sawcy Gossip , and a Gill-flurt , I know what I have to doe with mine owne Husband , I will not now come to learne of you : I hope the carriage of my selfe is well knowne both in the City and in the Parish , how I have behaved my selfe : goe out of my doores , you are a base prating Gossip .

Glas. Wife .

Gossip in your face ; I am none of your Gossip , though I am one of your neighbours ; yet I doe scorne to be counted your companion : an honest woman should shew her selfe to be so , and not to revile their Husbands in such vile speeches , enough to make a man run quite mad .

A womans rule should be in such a fashion , Onely to guide her household , and her passion . And her obedience never out of season , So long as either Husband lasts , or reason . Ill fares the haplesse family that showes A Cocke that 's silent , and a Hen that crowes . I know not which live more unnaturall lives , Obedient Husbands , or commanding Wives . Far. Wif.

How now , doe you come with your Ballad Rime to tell mee what I have to doe , and how to behave my selfe to my husband , and in my owne house ? get you home & wash your dishes , and meddle with your owne Husband : I would scorne to have done as you did , when you went to have your other Husband buried , you went with an Onion in your Handkerchiefe , to make your eyes look redde , and to cause you to weepe , as if you had been very sorry for his losse ; when indeed you did but counterfeit , and make the world beleeve how you lov'd him , because you would have another husband the sooner , and when you had seen him laid in his grave , then when you came home , you could have your Sacke and Sugar , with other good cheare , faying , come , wee women must live by the quicke , and not by the dead .

Glas. Wife .

Come , come , you may be ashamed to doe as you doe ; I would scorne to make my Husband stand in awe of mee , as a childe doth of a rod , that if perchance hee bee three or foure houres abroad a drinking in company , and come home a little disguised , then you fall about his eares , and raile at him , that it is a shame you should be endured ; and if he were not a very patient man hee would not abide the life that he doth at your hands , but swaddle your sides ; poore man he is glad to hide himselfe many times in the house of Office , till your rage bee over ; and one time , to ease his stomacke , he was glad to put his head in the hole , because you should not heare him ease his stomacke , and then could not get his head out againe , but brought the seat about his necke , like a ruffe band . Come , this is not the part of a good wife to discover her husbands follyes in such a publicke manner as you doe : it rather hardens their hearts , and makes them a great deale the worse Husbands , and causes them never to have a minde to returne home , when once they are abroad , or have staid a little too long : this makes them ill Husbands if any thing doth .

Therfore whether it be better or worse , You must be rul'd by him that beares the purse . Far. Wife .

You are still up with your Rime ; get you home , and teach your Grandam to sucke Egges ; I will not bee taught by you , Gossip Pinte-pot : begone I say , or I will wash your face , now your tongue is so hot . Who taught you , I wonder , to meddle betwixt the barke and the tree ? the skinne and the flesh , the man and the wife ? When the other replyed , now Flirt in thy face , and Gossip in thy guts : I hold my selfe as good a woman as thy selfe at all times , and as honest as the skinne betwixt thy browes , if not honester .

Honester , Madam Malipert ( said the other ) and whence Mistris Odious came you by these comparisons ? Hast thou took the Glasier , thy Husbands trade out of his hand , and art come hither to picke Quarrels ? shee replyed againe : now Odious in thy throate , and there let it lie till I take it out againe . Thou calst me Madam Malipert , but I am sure thou art Pru prate a pace , and so thou wert ever since I first knew thee : and where thou twitst mee with my Husbands Trade : I cannot but with Paine speake it , a Glasier is as good a man as a Farrier ( no dispraise to thine husband ) every moneth in the year , every weeke in the month , every day in the weeke , and every houre in the day : and with that she beganne to bee out of breath , which gave the Smithes wife liberty to say . Well I ever took thee to be a bold Bettris : and I thee for a sconlding Queane , saith the other , as well as she could bring it out : and so from words they fell to blowes ; insomuch , that the honest Farrier was glad to step betwixt them , thinking to part them : by which occasion his wife seeing shee could not come at the other to have her wil , she falls about her Husbands eares , and he againe at her , and hard it was to judge betwixt them who was likely to have the better : In which Interim the Glasiers wife ranne to call the Constable , and brought him , desiring him , least there should be man-slaughter , or woman-slaughter committed , to command them to keepe the Kings Peace , and to part them : but he , out of his great wisedome , made answer : no not I by any meanes , nor any one for mee : Cursed be he that parts man and wife : and therefore let them fight on and spare not : so that what the Constable would not doe wearinesse did : but how the businesse was after reconcield , when I understand more , you shall heare further .

The poore Farrier lived this life seven yeares together ; and to please her oftentimes hee was forced to lose many a heate at the Anvill to to come at her call to kisse and humour her : and still being used to this kinde of language , it bred in him that custome that he could well endure it : sometimes , onely to ease himselfe , & his minde , complaining to some of his friends over a cup of Beere , telling them , how in stead of Lord and Master , she called him Rogue and Rafcall , and was ne're at quiet with her at bed or board ; only when she was abroad or asleepe : and for staying now a little longer than I promised her , said he , I dare warrant you , my good neighbour , when I come home I shall have a dish of maundring Broath , thickned with a few small Reasons , kept hot upon a chafingdish and coales , so that when I come in , I shall bee constrained to sup it up scoulding hot .

Neighb . In good troth neighbour you have your hands full : and I will give you the best counsaile I can : you must have patience , and endure it ; for if you should take any violent course against her , she then would make your head full , as you have now your hands full . For now , as you confesse , you being forewarned of her doings , therefore ought to be fore armed .

The Farriers Dyet which he used to expect from his Wife when he used to come home late . TWelve sorts of Cates my wife provides , And bates me not a dish , Foure Flesh , foure Fruite , The other foure of Fish . For the first course , shee serves me in , Foure birds that dainty are ; The first a Quale , the next a Rale , A Bitterne , and a Iarre . My appetite being cloid with these , With fish she makes it sharp , She serves me next a Pout , Ill-pies , A Gudgeon , and a Carpe . The third course with fruit she served in , Welfitted for the season , I am sure a Medler , Hartichoake , A Crab and a small reason . What Smith is he hath such a wife , And on her doth not doate , Hath every day delicious fare , And costs him not a groat .

Vpon my word and credit my good neighbour , & an honest farrier as thou art , I had rather bee at some three-peny Ordinary , than at this feast of variety : and amongst all this choise of Cheere , I doe marvaile you had no Souse , nor Lambe , nor Lout , nor Goose , nor Woodcocke , bitter Almonds , nor choake Peares . Therefore to say no more ; as a sicke man is cured of his disease in time by vertue of a medicine , so a patient man is remedied of his tormentor in time by death of his wife .

A Butchers Wife to her Husband .

AN honest Butcher gently admonishing his Wife , that shee neglected the looking to her Shop , and every day went to a Lecture , by which hee was much hindred , and ( for ought he could see ) she little profited : the woman impatient to bee so taken up before she was downe , made him answer as followeth : Lectures forsooth ; and I pray you doe my Lectures trouble you ? if they have not done yet , they shall more hereafter : here 's a coyle with a greasie companion indeede , with whom any wise woman ( but such a foole as I ) would be loath to father fingers : here is a stirre with Lectures ? most sure I am , I can be no sooner in the Church , but you will be in the Devills Chappell . What neede I looke to thy slaughter-house , when I goe everyday where I see finne knockt downe like an Oxe , and the throat of iniquity cut like a Calfe ; whilst thou , and thy Iourny-men stay at home , and lie on thy shop-boord like so many stinking livers . You are a wicked Creature , you cousen your Customers by your false weights , and blow up your meate to make it looke faire , and doe not kill it according to the Statute ; and for mee to be an eye-witnesse my conscience will not suffer mee : therefore leave questioning of mee where I have beene ; but thou wilt never leave prating till thy head be furnisht as well as thine Hydes , there is a bone for you to picke : But it will bee long enough before thou wilt tickle my hyde , I warrant thee : at which last words the Butcher being somewhat gored , hee answered betwixt jest and earnest , and said ; I know not wife what you meane by the harnising of my head , but of one thing I am sure , when I in the Spring ride abroad to buy ware , you can furnish your selfe in Lent with pricks to serve you all the yeare after : at which she bit her lippe , not her tongue , for that she kept still in motion , and replied : well , goodmangander-goose , some of my Gossips shall Catechise you for this , and He make your best Joynts pay for 't ; wee 'le neither spare Necke , Shoulder , Breast , Legge , nor Loyne ; there are no stakes to bee sav'd by us , take my word for that : nay you great Calfe ; your Sheepes eye shall vexe to see 't , and wee 'le make you be glad to lick your lippes after our Lambs-wooll : wee 'le teach you to be so hoggish to an Heiser of the first horne , you Cowbooby , to hit me in the teeth with making of Prickes ? hit me with them where I should be hit , you foule Oxe : But I see they talke most of Robbin-Hood , that seldomest shoote in his Bow : But for that trick alone ( though it goe against my stomacke ) I le marre that which comes next to my making , and thou shalt have the mends in thine owne hand , like a Grout-headed booby as thou art : and so shee slung away in a heate and left him : and hee all the while sought about for his Knife , thinking to have done her a mischiefe , but it was in his mouth , and hee could not finde it .

A Shoo-makers wife to her husband .

A Shooe-maker one of the Gentle Craft happpened to have a Shrew to his wife : but that is Hoc commune malum , and who can helpe it : ( saith Gammer Morris ) and no man can tell where his shooe wrings him , but hee that weares it : now this woman would wrangle and weep , scould and crye , and yet be as bitter as the best of them : for her humour was to put finger in the eye , and say , wel Husband , well : who answered her againe : I wife , so I have heard many a woman beginne well , that have ended ill : There was string enough for her to harpe on , who proceeding , said ; I , I , it is my end that thou lookest for , and dost wish an ill end to come to mee , but I am not gone yet ; it is now but Al-hollow tide , and I hope to eate some Christmas Pye with thee : looke then to thine owne taching ends , for 't is not thy hogges Brisles that can fright me to my grave for all this ; no nor for thy All that thou canst doe . A woman had as good to have an husband of Clouts . I would I had married with a Cobler , he would have beene still on the mending hand , but thou art every day worse and worse : but it is as little boote for me to tell thee of it , as for thee to shooe the goose ; But it is the custome of all thy trade , to use your poore soules thus : and there 's a neighbour of thine at the next doore , there is neither barrell of you better herring : you take no more pitty to see a woman weepe , than to see a Goose goe barefoot : but for mine owne part , though thou keepest mee in my Corkes , I doe not meane so soon to turne up my heeles , nor to bee so quickly underlaid : Thou shalt not finde that Atropos sheares and thy cutting knife are all one : Most sure I am , thou wouldst take more pleasure to cut my throat , than thine owne thread : when I matcht with thee , I might have married with one , whom thou art no more like than an Apple is like to an Oyster ; he was a proper man indeede : But I see the properer man the worse luck , and so I finde it to my cost : for he had a cleane Legge , and a handsome Foote ; but thou hast neither , a very shamble-shinne , and hast a foote of the slovings Last : But I hope that will not last alwayes , which if I thought , there is scarce any way that I would find to tread in , unlesse the gate that leades to thy grave . Thou canst vaumpe old Bootes , but when wilt thou vaumpe mee , and make me new and fresh againe ? nay , thou hast thy tricks and turne-overs , but I hope thou shalt not turne-over me in haste : nay , thou art none of the Hastings , but slow enough , where thou shouldest be sure : thou hast an high minde , and an high Insteppe , and still art in an ambition to waxe and waxe higher and greater ; but I shall never finde it whilst I have an hole in my skin , thou leathern'd skinne Rascall . More she would have said , but shee wept out the rest , and so went away and left him .

A Bakers Wife to her husband .

THou as honest a man as lives by bread ? thou as arrant a thiefe as steales in a Barne ; thou art no better than a knave in graine ; indeede thou art as course as thy Bran , and I the flower of thy garden ; and what am I the more minded for all this , thou hutch backt fellow ? who for thy unkindnesse to me , deservedst to bee duckt in St. Clements Well . The honest man desired her to be patient , and to hold her peace , lest shee should make too loud a noyse , and so trouble the neighbours : she presently made him answer : what dost thou thinke I will bee meale-mouth'd as thou art ? and hast ever beene since I first knew thee : no , I le see thee first weighed in thine owne scales , and so thou shalt goe to the Devill for measure ; for like thy bread , thou wilt be found many grains too light . When thou art told of thy base cheating and false weights , then thou lookest like an Image made of Rye-Dow ; me-thinkes the slave lookes as if he were dow-bak't , and as pale as the ashes which his Malkin sweepes out of his Oven , where the good wife would never have sought her daughter , but that shee had beene there before her selfe : But thou hast a desire to proclaime thine owne destiny , and soundest an Horne ever before thou art ready to set in : but thou art not of every mans minde ( and I commend thee for it ) for there is many a one that weares an horne , and is loath to blow it . You weare a cappe and long haire , and you tell folkes that askes you why you weare your haire so long , it is because the mould of your head was not well closed at first by the midwife ; when indeede it is , that none should perceive that you have lost your eares in the Pillary , for cousening , and making light bread . And now good-man Baker what canst thou bolt out of me for all this ? My greatest comfort is , that there is no great feare of thy interfearing ; for thy crooked knees meete so close , and thy skew legges are so distant one from another , that it is unpossible that thou shouldest ever gall thine Ankles , and yet thou oftner reachest them than thou rubbest my Shinnes : and if I should now offer to play at In and In , wee should the next day see you upon the Pillery looke out . But thou thinkest to keepe me like a Mouse in thy Binne , but if thou hopest for any such thing , thou wilt finde thy Cake to be but Dowe ; for howsoever thou makest the Paste , leave me alone to take order to lay the Leven , and to make the Proverbe good ; Who eateth worse Bread than the Baker ? What doth this gravell you ? But why do I trouble my selfe to an unsifted , and therefore an unsanctified man : Alas , my anger lasteth no longer than one of his Bakers Bakings ; and therefore for the present I le give over . I am afraid I have beene somewhat too tedious in the former , and therefore I will strive to be more briefer in the following ; and therefore to contract a long circumstance into a lesse compasse , more succinct and compendious receive them thus : and I thus pursue my discourse .

A Lecture of an Inne-keepers Wife to her Husband : with a Tale of an Inne-keeper and his wife .

WHy husband , are you not ashamed to be so idle and sit in that manner , with your hands in your bosome , and the house full of guesse , it being terme time , you may be asham'd of it , if you had any honesty in you , but you have none ; you keep a company of cheating base knaves about you , to cousen your guesse : the Tapster for nicking and frothing his Jugges , and his Cans ; your Chamberlaine for over-reaching your guesse in their reckonings ; your lazy Ostler for having a hole in the Manger , that when horses have their Oates they fall through into a convenient place ; and keeping of false measures ; and you your selfe knowes of all this , and yet winke at it , saying , come , all trades must live ; and so there is nothing but cousening of all sides .

Husb.

Wife you are very hot , I doe thinke you want an Hostler to walke you ; you have bin a Gossiping , and have taken a Cup too much , which makes you talke thus ; doe you meane to undoe me , and your selfe too : if you continue on this course of railing , what will your guesse thinke ? wee shall by this meanes lose all our Customers , and make mee worke in the end .

Wife .

Let it worke , and worke againe , like Ginger in a Sowes Arse , I care not , I have enough for one ; shift that shift can , I will not be questioned , and hit in the teeth with my Gossips , and the wine I have dranke at any time .

The Inne-keepers Song . He that marries a scold , a Scold , Hee hath most cause to bee merry ; For when she 's in her fits , He may cherish his wits With a cup of old Canary .

Now followes the Tale.

A lusty Inne-keepers Wife , and an handsome Hostesse , ready to give her guests welcome at all seasons : at the time of taking in of Hey , having a young able fellow to his Ostler , the good man of the Inne could not keepe his wife out of the Hey-loft : at which hee growing somewhat jealous , ( and not altogether without cause ) demanded of her the reason why she was more of late delighted in the treading of the Hey than before shee had ; and withall what shee did make there ? for the Hey was troden already : who laying aside her wonted scoulding for the present , and made him this smiling answer : What an ignorant Coxe-combe Husband , are you growne of late ? What I pray you should a young man , and a young woman doe , when they are together in an Hey-loft ? Which doubtfull answer put him into a worse quandary , than if she had entred directly with him into a quarrell .

Of a Tobacco mans wife to her Husband .

A Tobacco woman was wont to borrow from her neighbour the Apothecary , the name of Glister Pipe , and tell him he tooke his Tobacco the wrong way , for he should rather take it at his taile than at his mouth , for it was the best medicine for the Wind-cholick , and compar'd him to a smoky fellow , and the next degree to a Chimney-sweeper ' and complained of him that though shee all the day long kept her selfe sweete and cleane , yet hee came home every night with a foule and stinking Pipe : which he not able , or at least not willing to endure , cald her durty flut , and said shee neither knew her manners nor duty ; to which she replyed , no manners with a mischiefe , and duty in the Devills name ; you Owley-Glasse , before next Iune , I le teach you to light your Tobacco with nothing but Iuniper . And had not a Customer then come in , shee had beene more large in her Lecture .

A Pewterers wife and a Poulterers wife , prating of their Husbands over a Pint of Wine .

TWo Gossiping women the one wife to a Pewterer , the other a Poulterer , meeting in the market beganne to renew old acquaintance , & after many an how do you ? they agreed to joyne their halfe pints a peece and to goe over to the next Taverne , where being set in a private roome , and calling for a pint of Muskadell and a rowle , the one began as followeth , and I pray you sister ( for so we cald , when we were maid-servants in an house together ) how doth your good man and you agree ? For mine own part , I was not at the first so mad to bee married , as I find now leasure to repent it : in troth replyd the other , and I find my case and yours to be much about one , good husbands are thicke fowne , but they come up but thinne , and there is show of a great harvest when there is but little corn , and that I have found to my cost ; for ( said the Pewterers wife if I were to marry againe twenty times over , I would never have an hammerman whilst I liv'd , nor I ( said the other ) a Poulterer , hee is one of the most slovinglist fellowes , and deales so much in fowle , that I can make him keep nothing clean about him , nay when he should come to bed to me , me thinks hee smells like his stale poultry , and what woman of fashion ( for you know sister I was a choice peece when you knew me first ) is able to endure it , there she paused , and then the other began , and said , and you know I might have had matches , and good ones too , before I met with this Dromedary to live in a Pewterers house , where there is such rapping and knocking early and late , one had better dwell in Crooked-lane or amongst the Brasiers in Loath-bery ; nay it loathes my very stomack to think on it , and the rather when I find by proofe , that these who deale altogether in mettall , have no mettall at all in them ; for he hath beene this two yeeres and upward , to beate out a boy , or hammer out a girle and cannot : troth my poultry ware is even cookt with the same sauce ( saith the other : ) but I pray you what words of Art have you for him when he angers you : who answered , because hee is somewhat purblind , sometimes I call him Owle , and Booby , and now and then saucer-ey'd slave and platter-fac'd rascall , aske him if the great baby meanes still to bee fed with spoone meat , and the like , nay I never greatly studdy for his words , I cut his livery out of the next cloath that comes to hand : and I ( saith the Poulterers wife ) follow the same course to an heire , there goes but a bare paire of sheeres betwixt them : to give him his stile , I need goe no further then his stall ; for if he vexe me , I call him Goose , and Widging , and Dotrell , and Woodcock , ( no other then he brings with him ) nay if he moves me much ( as that which angereth him most ) I call him Capon ; but said the other , never Cocke of the game I warrant you ; to which was replyd , no I will see him in the pit first , which word may carry a double meaning : at which the drawer came in and asked them what do you lack ? when both spake at once and said , either of us a good husband : the drawer made answer , if you have not good husbands , I would you had such as you like good Gentlewomen ; God a mercy honest drawer , for that word I will drinke to thee , and thou shalt pledge me in a fresh cup of wine , come draw another pint of the same Sack as you did before ; nay said the Pewterers wife , let us not out-runne the Constable , for I protest I have not above three pence in my purse : it is no matter said the Poulterers wife , hang money it is not that I stand upon , the next customer that comes shall pay for this pint : I sister , said the Pewterers wife you have money at will , but I can get none , unlesse I save it when I goe to market , or at such times when my husband is foxed , that I borrow a shilling or two out of his pocket that he doth not once thinke of , for by my troth , hee will not give me a penny extra ordinarie to drinke a pint of wine with a friend , nor have I any way to get any money but what I have told you , nor doe I stirre out of doores from one weeks end to the other , unlesse to market and so backe againe : introth said the Poulterers wife I will not be mewed up like a hawke , for I will both have money at my command , and goe abroad when I please , and never give an account where I have beene ; I marry said the Pewterers wife you spend the week merrily : I must confesse I do , said the Poulterers wife , did you never heere the merry saying of good old women ; and how they spend the week about : no indeed said the Pewterers wife ; then I will tell you , said the Poulterers wife how ; thus you must spend the weeke , and every day in the week .

You know that Munday is Sundayes brother .

Tuesday is such another .

Wednsday you must go to Church and pray .

Thursday is half holi-day .

On Friday it is too late to begin to spin .

Then Saturday is halfe holi-day agen .

Well said sister , I commend thee for thy wit , heere 's to thee one cup of Sacke the more for this merry saying : I come good sister , & drink it off , it will make you have a light hart & a merry countenance , & kind hearted to your husband : and so they cald for a reckoning , paid , and for that time parted .

A Lock-smiths wife to her husband .

A Lock-smith a sturdie blunt fellow , and yet one that had not the trick to tame a shrew , and yet was as jealous over her as any could bee ( over his wife ) that was tied to weare none but yellow stockings ; and shee one way as perverse as hee the other peevish , would ordinarily call him Vulcan , Cyclops and the like , perswading him he halted though hee did not , nay would not spare then to abuse him when hee was most busie at the Forge , and tell him he was as teastie as his Tongs , headed like his hammer , his cheekes blowne up like his bellowes , and if hee toucht her , that his fingers pincht like his pinsers ; nay that there was but one degree remoov'd , ( that was the Collier , ) betwixt him and the Divell : which he with great impatience enduring , lest scoulding and began to schoole her as followeth : wife 't is not your tongue but your taile that I feare ; women ought to keepe an hatch before the doore , to have their brests bard , their hearts lock't , and every suspicious place bolted ; who had not the patience to heare him any further , but interrupted him and said , and what of all this goodman snickup , that cannot set the doore upon the right hinges ; here is a coyle with your barres , your bolts , and your locks , I know none of all these locks thou speakest of , but every Tapster and Ostler , hath as good a key , as the best Smith of you all to open .

The Smiths advice to his neighbours . Hee that hath a good wife , make much on her , Carry her to the Alehouse and bestow nothing on her , If she hath any money take it all from her , And if she hath none , fling her upon the fire and burne her .

Skimmingtons Lecture to her husband which is the errand scold .

WHat not a word this morning , are you all alike , drunke and sober , cannot you speake , or have you lost your tongue , you may be ashamed , had you any grace in you at all , to bee such a common drunkard , a pisse-pot , a beast , nay worse then a beast , for they can tell when they have sufficient , but thou canst not tell ; every day foxed & at night brought home by a watchman ; and the next morning you are then a little crop-sick , and then to cure your squeezy stomacke , you get a haire with the same dog , you know what I meane you drunken sot , a cup of the same wine burnt or muld that you dranke raw over night , this you call Physicke and say it is good and wholsome once a month , and this is your course of life , from one weeks end to the other . As I am a sinner I am ashamed of thee thou art such a noted Taverne hunter ; and such a nasty beast thou makest thy selfe , that I even loath thee every time I see thee in that pickle ; fie upon thee I could spit upon thee if it were not for shame , and speech of people ; by this fire that burnes I will make thee ashamed and declare thy base actions and course of life to all companies wheresoever ; I come or goe : thou art bewitched to the Taverne , and to such base company that have no regard or care of their wives and family at home .

Husb.

Good wife forbeare your violent and raging speeches , I confesse I am in a fault , but it shall be so no more ; I am sorry for it , I will take a new course with my selfe and forsake all ill company , and forsweare drinking any wine , if you will be but patient for this time I will amend all ; I pray speake no more at this time good wife .

Wife .

I scorne to bee a good wife to such a perpetuall drunkard , that is drunke ordinarily twice a a day , and never comes home , unlesse it bee to sleepe , and then out againe , and bee drunke within two or three houres after , as bad as you were before : I would you had but a looking-glasse to see how you looke now you have been a foxing ; or that you would remember what anticke and apish tricks you play , when you are in this case : you are never kinde to mee , but when you are fudled , and then you can cogge and dissemble with me , to have your owne will or what you want : when your head akes the next morning , or a fart wring you by the breeceh , then pray hold my head deare wife : then you are sicke , and must have a Posset made you ; but instead of a Posset , I will provide you a Crab-tree Cudgell ; and if that will not doe any good of you , I then will have a Rope and Butter , that if one slippe , the other may hold ; it is an ease matter for to Lam-baste your drunken hide when you cannot stand ; then I will domineere over you ; for I see there is no other way , but by force to make you leave this veine of drinking drunke ; therefore I will have no longer patience , nor talke much to spend my spirits : But I will doe more : Come sirrah , tell me first in what company you were in yesterday , from nine of the Clocke in the morning , till twelve at night . Then secondly , tell mee what Taverne you were at . Then thirdly what Wine you dranke . Then lastly , what it cost you all the day in expences ; and what you had to eate , for it is impossible you could be all that while at a Taverne , and eate nothing .

Hush .

Nay by my troth wife , I cannot call to minde all these several circumstances : some I can give you account of ; some I cannot , nor will not .

Wife .

You cannot , nor you will not . Nay now you drunken slave , I have taken you upon the advantage , I will now trye whether you or I shall be master : I will not now be satisfied with any reason ; nor no words shall prevaile , but now blowes shall : how doe

you like that tell me : nay now a little of the other side , that the one side may not mocke the other .

Come Sirrah , you are a Drunkard , and spend all your money And when you come home you call me your honey . But all shall not serve thee , for have at thy pate , My Ladle of the Crab-tree , shall teach thee to cogge and to prate . Husband . O good wife forbeare , I will be very ample , And to all ill husbands I le prove an example Wife . Well doe , and see you doe so , and you shall see , I Wee 'le never her after cause you to kneele and to cry . This she spake to her maid-servant , out of his hearing .

Ah , hah , have I got the master now ? I will hold it , while I have it , and bragge and tell my other neighbours wives of it , that they may doe the like to their Husbands , as I have done to my white-liver'd , faint-hearted husband , gramarcy , this stout heart of mine : and I doe thanke the Fates that they decreed hee should have no courage in him at this time that I tooke him to taske : for had he but offered to have made resistance , or strove with me , he might have very easily wrung this Crab-tree Ladle out of my hands , and have basted me with it , as I have done him : I see it is good sometimes to put on a bold face , and a resolute courage , though in a desperate and doubtfull action : For who would have imagined that I should be the conqueror , had they seene thy Master and my selfe stand together : now the Proverbe is very true ; the gray mare is the better horse ; for indeede I was very angry , and full of wrath , and wrath is commendable , when the occasion is just , as it was now on my side ; for wee little women are soone hot , and our hearts are neare our mouthes , and speake our mindes , and doe our does , and then we have done ; for anger is no infirmity , nor is it to bee held a capitall Crime : but for a woman to persevere in her anger , that is an infirmity , and subject to the censure of the Law . This Act of mine may prove advantagious to mee , and may worke much upon my Husbands thoughts , and him make somewhat better , then ever he was since his mother bound his head : for he findes now at the first what hee shall trust to alwaies , if hee once crosse mee in my intentions : it is a notable good thing , and worth your observation , Hussy , to know how to provide a remedy for a calamity , I should never have ridde thy Master from that course of ill-husbandry , but by this meanes : and I must still threaten him , and keepe him in awe ; for that body which is accustomed to patience , or to his kinde of usage , will never forsake any place for paine or travile whatsoever . I have heard many men say , that a woman and a Spannell , the more thy are beaten , the better they will love their Masters : I have now tryed conclusions , and have once crost that Proverbe ; and will try whether my husband will love mee the better yea or no : and now I le perswade him , that the more a man is beaten , and a Wall-nut-tree , the better and larger fruite may bee expected from the one , and the more obedience and love from the other : for doe but hang a dogge in a Crabbe-tree , and hee will never love verjuce after : so let every woman fall upon her husband , not onely in bare railing words , but doe it in action , and say it on to the purpose , he will ever after bee afraid of comming home so late drunk , I will warrant you : a woman that hath such a husband , ought rather to be a Shrew than a sheepe : for when they finde that a woman is of a milde disposition , and will not talke to them , and tell them of their faults roundly , they doe but make Asses and Coxecombes of them , and laugh at them behinde their backs , and bragge to their companions , that they can perswade their wives to any thing ; and tell them a tale of a Tub , and make them beleeve any thing as they say to bee true : Therefore judge you now , Hussy , whether I doe not deserve praise for this daies worke yea or no.

On Skimmingtons love to her Neighbours . Skimmington with more than a common love , Her neighbours ease , and honour doth promote : By common fame this case we plainly prove . For oft he rides , that else would goe on foote .

A discreet and modest wives directions to her husband , who was an Aldermans Deputy , and a Common-counsell-man , for keeping ill company .

DEare and loving husband , I have long time beheld your uncivill carriage , and past it over with modesty and silence : when the wine hath got possession of the chiefest part of man , I meane the braine , that then you are not your own keeper , nor have power neither of your words or actions ; I know very well , that you are a man , that ( when you are not intoxicated ) is sensible and understanding enough in many worldly affaires , and know how to behave your selfe in all companies whatsoever : you have a good voluable tongue of your owne , and can tell how to order or arbitrate any difference or matter of consequence when you are requested thereto ; but when you are in this veine of drinking , you are not then the same man for sobriety that the whole City and parish where you dwell takes you to be : you know your owne discretion , but you doe not know your owne indiscretion : for words without good effects , is like a great water which drowneth the people , and doth it selfe no profit ; so you that will punish others for being drunke , and make them pay a Fee to the poore , are in like case not to bee borne withall : for hee that passeth measure in drinking ; is no more master of his owne thoughts , or of his tongue ; and without shame he speaketh of all dishonest things , and such as are unseemely : and in this case a man becommeth a Child : it is a thing of exceeding great difficulty , for a man to conceale and hide his owne ignorance : but much more difficult it is for a man to conceale any thing when hee hath drunke well : you must not be too forward to speake in the Vestry when you have bin a drinking store of wine , for then you lispe , and clip the Kings English ; for at that time every man takes notice of your weaknesse , for then you make that little member your tongue the discoverer of your owne folly ; for when you have spoken , the words that you have utter'd and deliver'd , are no longer yours , but those that observe them ; nor are they left to your construction and meaning , though you thinke no harme , but to their interpretation that heare them : Good speeches are the image of the minde ; therefore the temperance of the tongue and silence ought to be great , and men ought to use and imploy their eares oftner than their tongues : therefore my good husband , observe but this , that it is not good to bee too prompt and forwards in speaking , unlesse you be called to it : my reason is , because many words and much speech , is an apparant signe of folly ; for neither words nor winde will fill a Bushell . I have observed it divers times , and I have much mused , that when you have drunk a cup of strong Beere in the morning next your heart , that you have shaked your head , and made a sowre face : when you have had it in your stomacke ; you have said that it made you heart-burn'd , and it is nothing else but your drinking of Wine that doth so inflame your stomacke , that if you doe drinke any other cooler liquor , then it qualifies the former heate , and washes and cleanses the slime from off your stomacke , which makes it as it were raw and hear-burning , so that nothing will agree with your stomacke , but wine ; and I have noted it , that it meales you are sicke , and cannot digest your meate , unlesse you drinke some wine every meale , and this is nothing but custome and ill Company that hath brought this desire of drinking wine upon you . At any time when you are in this case , you have no power of your selfe , but the wine makes you its slave and servant , to doe , and worke what it lists in your braine : it may perchance so intoxicate your sences , that you may receive such an injury , or doe such an accident , that you may repent for it all the daies of your life : when you have drunke so much what good doth it you ? it makes you uncapable of any thing , unlesse of quarrelling , and gaming ; and too much Wine doth provoke lust , and when that abounds , then some ill act of incontinencie followes ; for there is nothing in man more able to make him lose his humanitie with more facilitie , than by his tongue , and too much Wine : Wine is the Rats-bane of our land , and I am fully perswaded that more dye by surfeits of Wine , than by the sword , or any other disease : where have there beene more hurts and injuries done , than by Wine ? for that is the chiefe cause and ground of all desperate attempts and quarrels , for when the Wine is in , the wit is out : for the excesse of Wine bringeth forth three sorts of Grapes , the first of pleasure , the second of drunkenesse , and the third of sorrow : One thing more , my sweete-heart , and I have done ; you know I never twitted you in the teeth , as some women do , the next day , for your being late abroad ; and come home so , that you have not beene able to helpe your selfe ; and have forgotten the next morning when you have beene recovered , to pay the tribute you owne to mee by Wedlocke : I have beene content and said nothing , and put up al with silence , for silence is a gift without danger or perill : but indeede husband , I must ingeniously confesse , I have paid it with thinking : I have read , that it is a rare vertue to know how , and when to bee silent : I never repented me to have held my tongue , but I have oftentimes bin sorry that I have spoken : just like as narrow mouthed vessels which are longest in filling , keepe their liquor the better : so are womens tongues that are slow in talking , get the most credit and commendations : for all , or most men know , that empty vessells make the greatest sound : so they that have the emptiest Scull , and the least wit , are the greatest bablers .

A Lecture of an Informers wife to her Husband .

SIrrah , you are a very Rascall , I will set you out to the ful , I will make all thy friends ashamed of thee : I will give them to understand , that they may know as well as my selfe , when thou hast mony , and when thou hast none : for you know you have but two Cloaks , one of Stuffe , the other of Cloth , and when you have one at home , or on your backe , the other is commonly at pawn at the Brokers : thou hast no mony , but what thou gettest by shirking and rooking when men are drunke ; or else thou keepest stakes while men are at some game or other , and then the whilst they are at their sport thou runnest quite away : when thou dost weare thy stuffe Cloake in winter , or on a rainy day , then may thy companions know thou hast no mony , nor canst redeeme thy cloth Cloak : then in the Summer time , when thou dost weare thy Cloth Cloake , it is the very same case with thee ; in Dock , out Nettle ; while one is at home , the other is in Lavender in Long-lane . Thou mightest have beene ashamed to have left thy honest Trade and profession of being a Tailer , onely to live idly , and walke up and downe streetes and turne knave for a groat a day : I will imblazon you name for you ; you are an Asse , a Shirke , a Rooke , a Decoy , a Buffoon , a white Liver'd slave : You can talke and domineere at home when you are in your Cups , like a Lion , but abroad amongst your companions you seeme to bee as meeke as a Lambe : but indeede you are a meere Sheepes head , or rather a Rams head in a Wolfes Skinne : a flye youth , a jeering double-lookt companion : thy Father was an Animall , and thy mother some lazy droane , and thou thy selfe must needes bee of Brocklyes Breede , better to hang than to feede ; when you come home , you sit before me like Hum Drum , or like the Cat in the Cupboord ; and when you are abroad , and almost drunk , then you beginne to shew your mad tricks ; then no ground will hold you , leaping over Tables and stooles , or any thing that is in your way , but I hope you will one day breake your necke ; and if you do so , y faith I will then have my owne will , and goe to bed Mistresse , and rise againe Master ; the next husband that I have shall find it so I le warrant him : And when thou goest to be buried , I will not shed a teare for thee , thou hast so hardned my heart against thee now in thy life time : I doe thinke in my conscience , my heart is grown so hard as thy fore-head ; and I thinke I have shed so many teares by thy meanes , that I can weepe no more , unlesse I get a good sharpe Onion in my handkerchiefe , and so force some teares from me for fashion sake : And then I will hire some poor condition'd Poet or other to make an Epitaph on thee , as they have done on some of thy fellowes which are dead already , as thou maist plainly see and read .

On an Informer who dyed for want of imployment . On Munday morning hee with sorrow dy'd , Because on Sunday no abuse he spy'd : For thogh he oft took bribes death none would take , Now here he lies , ready to stinke at the stake . Let Tapsters rejoyce , and sing merry Catches , For the Informer here is in a dead sleepe laid : What of all that , both good and bad have matches , Though he be gone there is more left of his trade : It was but a mony matter , so it is still , Twelve pence a quarter , use what pots you will .

A Lecture of a Country-mans wife , who was a Gentlemans Baily in the Country .

SIrrah , I doe know something of you , that now I will tell , and make knowne to the whole Country , seeing you have so angred me , and wil not let me have my will , I will not forbeare to speak that , which shal make you loose your Office of a Baily , and make you be whipped through the Towne at a horse Taile : you understand me , sirrah , you Rascall , doe you not ? Now you stand as though Butter would not melt in your Mouth , and give never a word : I will so nettle you , that you had better wished you had laine at Nettle-bed all night : doe you remember how you rise in a Summer morning before day peepe , on purpose to intise your neighbours hogges into your liberty , by carrying a few Beanes or Pease in your hat , and but letting the poore creatures smell on them , they presently follow you into your liberty ; and then you pound them , and by this meanes you get your fees , and make your selfe rich .

Husb.

I prethee good Wife hold thy peace , and thou shalt have any thing that thou hast a desire unto ; name it , and here is money to pay for it .

Wife .

Sirrah , it is now too late , you shall not thinke to make mee hold my tongue ; I care not for your proffers now : I will make the whole towne acquainted with your knavery : I will set you out in your colours ; for you live by bribery and extortion , not doing your Office as you ought , and according to the oath you have tooke , but live by rooking , and cheating , and couzning of poore people .

Husb.

I prethee good Doll hold thy peace , thou hast too much tongue ; sure thou wert borne in a Mill , thy tongue is so loud and shrill : I did heare before wee were marryed that thou wouldest prove a scold , and that you had ever a shrewes tongue in your mouth , but I would never beleeve it , but now I finde it too true .

Wife .

Marry , a woman had neede to have two tongues that hath such a husband as I have , that grumbles and mumbles at every peny I lay out upon my selfe : one tongue is too little to let you know how you use mee and likewise to tell you of the other side of your base conditions ; for you abuse the whole Country , and the Gentleman you serve : you heard I was a shrew , I had better bee so than mealy-mouth'd , for then you would make a right foole of me , a meere Asse , and beare all the burthen , while you goe up and downe from Ale-house to Ale-house , to defraud your Master of his Wesses and Straies , and put up the money in your owne Pocket : but I will say no more to you , but I le goe and tell the Major of the Towne , and hee shall call you in question , and I will bear witnesse against thee my selfe .

Husb.

When I was a Batchellour I onely lookt to my horse & my saddle :

But now I am a marriman , I have got a scould , a childe , and a Cradle .

Oh , that I were unmarryed againe : some men get good wives , and mony to boote , but I neither got money , nor yet a good wife , onely discord and dissention , and in stead of Lord and Master she calls me rogue and Rascall : therefore I must bee content , and beare my crosse patiently ; knowing that it is better for me , and all men else , to overcome a crosse wife by prudence than by force . And therefore let no man when he seeks for a wife , aske , What hath shee , but what is shee ; for vertue and quietnesse is wealth enough , and better than riches and greatnesse : for an inequality of birth or riches , doth often cause strife and dissention .

A Brokers wife to her Husband .

OVt tho unconscionable villaine , as I am an honest woman : there is not such another Iew in the City of Malta ; thirty in the hundred will not serve your unsatiable covetous desire , but you must take threescore at the least , and sweare you can hardly live on it . The name of Broker was well given to you : for you were Broak before you set up ; and Curs for biting so hard , ever since you set up : Now you scorne to bee called Brokers , but you must have a new name given you with a Murraine to you : you must now be called Fibbers , and one that deales in whole-sale : You take no pawnes you say , when all thy living is by extortion , and nothing else but by taking pledges and pawnes , I will make it good thou art a Broker , though thou maist tearme thy selfe what thou pleasest : thou wast first an Adamite , thou know'st what I meane , A gentleman Tayler ; then by chance you eate a Spider , and flew up with Iacksons hens , and not worth a groat ; and now you have got a few cloathes which came out of rogue Lane , that dropt out of the hang-mans wardrobe , that what with selling , and lending upon pawnes , you now get the Divell and all ; I will discover your villany , you drunken Asse you : I will make you staie at home , or else I will know why I shall not : You lye upon the lurch to buy stolne goods , and receive them into your house at midnight , and then bid not halfe the worth of them ; and if you cannot get them at your owne rate or price , you will make the party beleeve you will send for the Constable , and apprehend him for suspition of Felonie ; and thus by shirking and cheating you get your estate ; and if you get the commodity of them at your owne rate , then you will make much of them , and will let them out at your backe doore , that they may not be seen . Thou art a slave of the world , and I wil have thee tost in a Blanket ; a meere Caterpiller of the earth : If thou tak'st a gowne of any value to pawne , thou wilt be sure to geld it before it goe away from thee : If it be a Sattin Peticoate laid with silver or gold lace , thou wilt picke the Spangles from off it , or else steale a breadth , or at the least halfe a breadth out of it ; and if it be questioned , then thou wilt forsweare it , and lie abhominable ; therfore I think thou art a limbe of some evill spirit , or else the Divell got thee in spight , and brought thee up in shame ever since ; thou hast such dissembling Tricks in thee , no man hath the like , I thinke , that lives . Thy pedigree I have heard of , thy Grandfather was a Rat-catcher , and thy grandmother was a poore old woman that cryed Small-coale a peny a pecke up and downe the streete : and I doe thinke thy mother was some oister-wife , and thy father a Chimnie sweeper , thou hast such base conditions in thee ; thou art a scoundrell , beetell-browd , and a ramme-headed fellow : there is a bob for your sirrah .

Husb.

Good wife forbeare now , and speake no more at this time ; you see I give yon leave to say any thing ; come , let thee and I be friends , let me kisse thee .

Wife .

And are you growne so kinde just now ? if you must needes kisse , take me about the middle and kisse the heaviest end ; for you shall kisse no where else ; when you are drunke then any bodie you meete with is as good as your wife , then you care not whom you kisse and imbrace : Sirrah , I heare you are a Mutton monger , and run after laced Mutton ; but I hope all your knavery one day will bee discovered , though now you dance in a net : if you doe not use me better , and as a man should use his wife , I will have you indited at the Sessions for receiving of stolne goods : or else for some of your other base tricks , I will make you looke through a two inch boord on a Market day .

Husb.

I prethee Sweet heart speake softly , let me have no more of these words ; you may touch me so farre , as to call my life in question ; you ought not to reveale your husbands secrets in any case , especially those of such weight as this is : If I have bin in any fault , I will labour to amend it , and it shall be no more so .

Wif.

Live and learn then , and at last be hanged , and forget all ; you say now that you will doe no more of these base actions , but to morrow I shall have you in the same condition againe : drunke all day at the Taverne , & then come home like a hog all be mired with dirt ; and so what you get one way basely , you spend the other way as scurvily : for mony gotten as you get it , never will thrive .

The husbands wish . Bedlam , God blesse thee , Thou wants nought but wit , Which being got , from whipping thou art quit . As for thee Bridewell , I cannot much dispraise thee , For thou feedest the hungry , And dost firke the lazy . And for thee Newgate , I can not much complaine For once a month thou ridst men out of paine . But from a wicked womans tongue , God defend me , To Bedlam , Newgate , Bridewell rather send me . For there in time Wit , Worke , or Law sets free , But from a womans malice , neither wit , worke , nor Law gives libertie .

A Lecture between a Pedler and his wife , as they walked on the high way . 1. Wife .

HVsband , what money hast thou in thy Purse ?

2. Husb.

Wife , I have but a shilling , two groats , and three farthings , and a good stocke too .

3. Wife .

You had twenty five shillings Husband , what a Divell is become of it ?

4. Husb.

O wife I le tell

A Cove and a Mort Whidling together as they budged upon the Pad . 1. Cove .

MOrt , what lower hast thou in thy Bung ?

2. Cove .

I have a boord , two stagges , a Make , and onejon , and a rum stocke too .

3. Cove .

You had twenty five boord Cove , what a Ruffin is budged with it ?

4. Cove .

O Mort , I whid to thee : I went to the Ale-house , and there I spent all my money amongst good fellowes , and pretty wenches . But how shall we save this , and get more ?

5. Wife .

I le tell thee thou shallow-braind fellow , thou must beg at Farmers doores for Bread and Cheese , or a Cup of small Beere , or a Hens egge , and speake boldly for it : and lye in some Barne upon straw all night , and goe away early in the morning : And rather then want Meate , or Drinke , steales Hennes , Duckes , Geese , or Capons : And if you see to thee : I budged to the bowsing Ken , & there I bowsed all my lower amongst the Beane Coves , and Doxes : But how shall we save this , & get more ?

5. Mort.

I le tell thee queere Cove , thou must maund at the Gigger for Pannum and Casum , or a cheat of queere bowse , or Kacklen Cheate , and whid rumpsie ; and then lib in the Strummel , al the darkmans , and budge a beake in the light mans : and rather then want Rum-peck , or Beane boose , mill the Cacklers , coy the Quack , or Duds : and if you tower any sheets lie upon the hedge , steale them and run away : If thou want mony , then goe to the next market or faire , and there picke a Pocke , or cheate some Country-man ; and then goe to the Alehouse , and drinke merrily and jovially : But husband be sure you save me some money when you are at the Alehouse .

Husb.

But doe you heare wife : what if I should bee taken in stealing of Hennes , Ducks , Geese , or Capons , or Cloathes , or picking a Pocket , and so bee carried to prison : wife what shall I then say ?

any states lye upon the Cracke , mill them , and budge a beak : And if thou want lower , budge to the next Vile , and there nip a Bung , or cloy a Culley ; then budge to the bowsing Ken , and boose rumsie and beanely : but Cove be sure thou tip me some Lower , when you budge backe from the Ken.

6. Cove .

But sto Mort : what if I should bee Cloyed in the milling of Cacklers , Quacklers , or Duds , or nipping a Bung , and so be cloyed , & budged to the Naskin : Mort what shall I whid then ?

7. Wife .

Peace husband , peace , if you be carried to prison , I will goe to our companions , and speake to them for some mony to release thee out of prison : and then we 'le goe to the next City , where we may steale safely .

8. Husb.

Oh thou art a good wife , and speakest bravely : I will venture an hanging before I will want mony , meate , or good drinke , or cloathes for my Wife and Children : I care not for any Constable or Beadle ; nor doe I feare the whipping post .

7. Mort.

Sto Cove , if thou budge to the Naskin , I will bing to the Coves and the Morts , and whid to them for Lower , that thou maist budge out of the Naskin : and then budge into the Rum-vile , where the Coves and the Morts do not tower us : & there we may cloy brinsy .

8. Cove .

As thou art a Beane Mort , and whids rumpsie , I will venture a training , or a noosing , 'ere I will want Lower , peckage , beane bowse , or duds for my Morts , & my Kinchins . I doe not fear any Harmanbeck , or Pug , nor doe I care for Cly the Ierke .

Of two young Virgins talking of their Sweet-hearts and Sueters .

Two pretty young toward Girles , newly come into their Teenes , not Sisters , but Neighbours Children , and of acquaintance from their Cradles , and no doubt but the forwardest Children their Father had : being one day invited ( with their Parents ) to a Feast : Dinner being done , and the Guests being severally imployed , either in discourse or other exercise of game or drinking , they two retired themselves from the rest into the Garden , and chusing out a private ( but pleasant ) walke , they began their discourse as followeth :

1. Maid . And I pray you how old are you ? Lord , how are you grown of late since the last Quarter ! Doe you weare no Corkes , nor no Polonie-heeles ? why you shew as if you walk't upon chippeenes , nay , you grow not onely tall , but proper withall , so that me-thinks it is high time you look't after an Husband . The second made answer , Ill weeds grow apace , and for Husbands wee may looke long enough after them , ere they will cast an eye upon us , I meane any that are worth the having . But what a foole am I to speake us , in the Plurall number , that for ought I see , shall be forc't to continue in the Singular whilst I live . Indeed said the other , Ego & tu are more frequent than Nos and Vos amongst us Virgins : we may say , A lacke the while , for wee both know what is wanting ; for what doe wee all this while but loose time , which might bee better imploy'd ( I wis ) than to dreame of shadows , and never know what the substance meanes : it will bee long enough ere our Parents will provide for us , therefore me-thinks it is time at these yeares that wee looke out for our selves . She reply'd , and truely Sister I am of your minde ; but I pray you , had you never any Suiters yet ? Suiters ( answered shee ) O yes , but simple ones , Heaven knowes : There comes to mee last day a dapper Tailer , and would faine have beene doing ; hee would have tooke measure of mee before there was stuffe to make me a gowne ; a pretty little Hopper me thumb it was , but I quickly gave him his answer , having vow'd to make choice of a Man , or never to marry . And then there was a sweete Youth , a Comfet-maker , that came to court me with a paper of Sugar-plummes , but him I could not relish because of his rotten Teeth . And for a Scrivener , there shall never any Indentures be drawne betwixt him and me drunke nor sober , for in all his Leases ( if you have observ'd it ) where you shall once read Alwayes provided , you shall finde at the least twenty times Notwithstanding : Nor I an Haberdasher of small wares said the other ; I will have one that deales by whole-sale , or none .

Another of my Sweet-hearts came to me the other day , and said , Sweete Mistris , one word in your eare : Nay said I , speake it openly , I am not affraid of what you can say : no good sweet-heart said he , let me tell it you privately ; then I gave him the hearing , because I hoped the sooner to be rid of the fooles company : and what was it , but hee told me , he would tell me such a Tale in my eare that would doe mee good at the heart , and what was it , but of an old passage betweene Venus and Adonis , and that was all he did : onely hee presented me with a Coppy of Verses , and many Letters of Complements in writing , which I tooke on purpose to laugh at , and withall he intreated me to accept of them , for they were of his owne invention . And when I had perused them , I remember'd that I had read them in Print , for hee stole them out of divers bookes of Complements on my knowledge , thinking thereby that I should account him witty , and the sooner to get my love : but I sent him away with such a flout , that I think he will scarce come againe this Weeke : for in troth if ever I marry , I 'le have a proper man , and one that I can fancy well , or else I will never consent to wed . Introth Sister , said the other , I would I had never any one that did aske mee the question ; I doe think I was borne under an evill or melancholly Planet , every one can get sweete-hearts but I : I am now sixteene yeares old , it cost me a Groat to the Knave the Clarke for searching the Booke ; for my Father told mee that I was but fifteene yeares old , but I found it that I was above sixteene yeares , in troth I cannot lie any longer alone . I doe so bite the sheets , and tosse up and downe in the bed like a Cat when shee is pinched by the taile . I have heard that in former times the Roman Law was , that they did allow that a Man might marry at eighteene , and a Maide at twelve yeares of age , I would it were in use with us in our Countrey : But men now a daies are growne faint-hearted , and dare not presume to aske the question , but let Maids alone till wee pine , and wrong our selves , and make our moanes , for women are not perfect without men , though men are without women .

Quest. But sister , pray tell me , what thinke you of a Grocer ? An. That as Hogges are frank't with Pease and Akornes , so he would fat mee up with Figges and Raisons .

Qu. What thinke you of a Fishmonger ? A. That of the contrary hee would make me as leane as Lent , and looke all the yeare after with a Good Friday-face . Qu. What of a Goldsmith ? An. The Gold I like well , but for the Smith , I care not if hee were packt amongst the other mettall-men .

Q. What then of a Jeweller ? An. Ey marry now you speake to some purpose , for plaine dealing is a Jewell , howsoever many a one that useth it , may die a begger . Q. What of an Upholster ? A. That his Wife , though she fare hard , shall bee sure to lye soft , and if shee be wise , shee 'l finde how to feather her Nest I warrant her .

Qu. What thinke you of a Draper ? An. As of an honest conscionable man , for they allow to every Yard the over-plus of London measure . Q. What of a Silke-man ? An. As of a Silke-worme ; if his Wife proove too fine for his finger , he may say , he hath spunne a faire thread , and so he turne Butterfly , and shee Spinster . Q. What of a Merchant ? An. Of Eele-skinnes doe you meane ? Q. No , I meane the noble Trade of the Merchant adventurers . An. When hee goeth a wooing , God send him good shipping , and that his Vessell leake not betwixt Winde and Water . Qu. And what think you of a Clarke ? An. How , of a Church ? Qu. No , nor of a Chappel . A. Then I guesse your meaning ; I would not have a Clarke of the Chancery , because he might trouble my conscience ; nor a Clarke of the Arches , for he would rather make my will , than give me my will : nor a Clarke of the Check-her , for hee would be alwayes crossing me : but if any , a Clarke of the peaces Clarke , a Clarke of the Rolles , or of the Pipe-office . At this the Guests came into the Garden , and they were forc't to breake off their discourse .

A new tricke to tame a Shrew .

TWo nigh neighbours , that had beene long brothers in affliction , as being sicke of one disease , had many times made complaints the one to the other ( but all in vaine ) of the churlish and crabbish disposition of their wives , what Shrewes they were , and themselves were made no better than Subjects to the Smock : but at the length , one of them having the better Spirit , vowed to himselfe that he would never give over the combate , untill he had got the Conquest ; and so indeede it happened . After which , spying his friend and neighbour in the fields a farre off , he cryed unto him aloud , Victory , victory : the other not knowing what hee meant by it , drew neare unto him , and demanded of him the reason of that joyfull acclamation ? who told him , that after many dangerous conflicts , at length he was Conquerour : and Bold-face his wife , was compeld to cease all claim to the breeches : which his friend would not beleeve , till having fac'd it out with some small Oathes : who when hee had both heard , and beleeved him , he was desirous to know all the Circumstance : then he proceeded thus .

Comming home somewhat late according to my custome , my minion beganne to mander ; to which I said but little at first ; but note what followed after . When presuming on my wonted patience , the Hen ( forsooth beganne to Cackle , and I set out a throate to crow ; and loud I was indeede , and shee got no advantage on me that way : and not knowing whether I was in jest , or earnest , she scornfully smild upon me , and cald me old Coxecombe : to which I answered ; Most surely if I have a Combe on my head , I have Spurs on my heeles ; and still as shee spurd me a question , I kickt her an answer .

I like the beginning well ( saith his neighbour ) but the end tries all things : But I pray you tell mee ; did you not learne this at a play ? Who replyed , a play ? I scorne it ; what I have done , I found out by my owne practise , and am able of my selfe to set out a Grammer with rules to prove , that the Gray mare is no more the better horse .

Well , when she beganne to raile , I fell to rage , insomuch , that any wise man would have thought us both mad ; and then shee said I was drunke ; but shee after found by proofe , that what I did was in sober sadnesse ; and as shee skreekt out , so still shee scratcht behind , where I am sure it itch't not , for I had applyed too much Arsmart already . Then I bade her come to bed , who no sooner said she would not , but I swore shee should not , and withall lockt her out of the Chamber , and there she lay all a cold frosty night on the bare boords ; I having before prickt her posteriours , that she had as good to have laine upon Thornes .

Then said his neighbour : but how could you have the heart to use her so hardly ? The heart ( quoth hee ) marry hang her Brocke ; being over shooes , I car'd not to be over Bootes ; and once wet to the Ankles , to wade up to the Chin : Vp I got in the Morning , shee lay along in my way grunting and groaning ; when I making as if I had stumbled at a blocke , gave her a sound spurnne upon the Buttocks , and never cryed her mercy : O my what doe you call 't , said shee . What ailes Mistris Miniver , quoth I. I am sicke and would have a Posser , said shee . A Posset with a poxe to you , said I ; you would have a Cawdle made of Calves Egges , would you not ? Vp you lazy-bones , wee shall have you fall into the scurvy , and then there is no cure for you but a Cudgell .

Next she cald her maid to fetch her some hot water : then I stept downe , and finding a Kettle-full seething on the fire , fild a Bowle , and brought it up to her making her beleeve it was warme for her stomacke , and if shee would not drinke it off , I would powre it downe her bosome : That done , I bid her get downe the staires , or I would set her downe with her head first , and her heeles after .

But ( said the other ) had shee the patience to endure it ? Who answered , yes , patience perforce : such as debtors have , to bee hurried to prison , or theeves to bee drawne to the Gallowes : I had never begunne the worke , but that I meant to goe through stich with it ; that morning I turnd away her madnesse , and then she was no more a Mistresse , which I knew vext her not a little , and that which most angered her , seemed but to please me : For I vow'd , since shee would bee a Divell shee should be her owne drudge : yes , and though his Damme said against it .

Said his neighbour , said shee nothing all this while ? had I us'd my wife so , all the streete should have wrung , as the bells of it , for I am most sure shee hath as loud a Clapper . To which he answered , what should any thing be spoke , where nothing would be heard ? and that she knew well enough ; for I had drown'd her Cannon with my Thunder : But shee bent her Browes , Glouted with her eyes , first bit her lippes , and then her Tongue ; sometimes offered her foote , and then her sist , but durst fall foule with neither ; If she had , I threatned to bind her hand and foote and so leave her . Then I lockt up her Gownes , least she should gadde abroad to complaine to her Gossips ; and the Divell a Cloth did I leave to put about her necke , but a Dish-clout . Sometimes I set her to spinne , till shee thought the world runne upon wheeles , and made her say within her selfe , ( as shee hath since confest ) I have spun a faire thread , have I not ? I made her wash till shee was glad to wring her hands , and rubbe the Pewter and Brasse till not a skellet scapt a scouting . Then I would find fault with every thing , and be pleased with nothing : nor could shee sweepe so cleane , but I would finde a sluts corner : nay , I left her not so much rule , as over the roast , and the weapons that I awed her with , were the spit and the Jackeline ; insomuch , that shee beganne at the length to be a little more plyant and tractable , and beganne to change her perverse obstinacy , into a kinde of peevish obedience ; for she would turn her frowne into a sowre smile , and in the stead of a double , expresse a doubtfull duty , ( syrreveverence ) in a kind of a jeering and mockng courtesie .

By my faith , said his Neighbour , I should be glad of so much , and be very thankfull too ; but I can compasse no such matter , unlesse I meant to buy it with stroakes : No ( said the Shrew-tamer ) but I would bee a man or a Mouse ; a Caesar aut nullus : this was no submission to give me satisfaction ; but I pursu'd it further : for what good would the knee without the heart have done mee ? But I followed the scent whilst it was hot . Shee could not come at a shooe to her foote , nor a hat to her head , nor a band to her necke , nor a Coate to her backe ; so that she was in a perplexity to be ever kept in Prison , which she fearing , was at length content to doe any thing ; and if I commanded her to light her Candles at the wrong end : and till then I could never truly crye victory , and boast of the Conquest . But first I must tell you , I suffered no sleepe to come neare her eyes ; which I learnt first of a Falkner , for Hawkes are tam'd by watching onely , and that will make any Haggard come to hand : and shee at this time comes as gently to the fist , as any Falcon of them all , and may at this time be called a Tassell gentle .

Now a blessing on thine heart said his Neighbour : This is an Art you have found out , worth all the seven liberall Sciences ; and would you but keepe a schoole , and professe the teaching of it , clappe but your Bills upon posts , and I make no doubt , but you will quickly have Customers out of all Countries : and so for that time they parted .

Certaine signes to know a Shrew by .

Take heede of a sowre Lasse , whose wrinkles in her forehead comes neare her eye-browes ; for the most part she is sullen , and upon my life will prove right at straight .

Take heede of a Hawks eye , a sharpe nose , and an eye that is blacke and waterish , for they are true blew .

Take heede of a Bottle-nose , one whose nose turnes up againe like a Shooing-horne : for if she doe not after eighteene monthes tell you your owne , then blame mee for ever after for an ignorant married man .

Take heed of one , who hath a long white hand ; for shee will doe no huswifry , for feare she should spoyle her fine fingers .

I am of Diogines opinion for marriage ; that yong men may not marry yet , old men not at all : for I doe wish I had never married , nor beene given in marriage : And for advice you may as well blindefold your selfe , and then chuse , as to have your eye-sight and be deceived , for the proofe of the pudding is in the eating .

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