Some of the ancient Philosophers haue compared man to a Tree with the bottome vpwards , whose roote is the Braine , the Armes Hands , Fingers , Legges , Feete and Toes , are the Limbs , and Branches , the comparison is very significant , many Trees doe bring forth good fruit , so doe some fewe men ; Some stately Trees growe high and faire , yet stand for nothing but shades , and some men grow high and lofty , yet are nothing but shaddows ; Some Trees are so malignant , that nothing can prosper vnder the compasse of their branches ; and some men are so vnlucky , that very few can thriue in their seruice . And as of one part of a Tree a Chaire of State may be made , and of another part a carued Image , and of a third part a stoole of office ; So men , being compounded and composed all of one mould and mettle , are different and disconsonant in estates , conditions , and qualities . Too many ( like the barren Fig-tree ) beare leaues of hypocrisie , but no fruites of Integrity , who serue onely for a flourish in this life , and a flame in that hereafter .

So much for that : now to returne to my Theame of Wood , ( indeed this last disgression may make my Reader thinke that I could not see wood for trees ) what Wood he is , I know not , but by his face he should be Maple , or Crab-tree , and by his stomacke , sure he is heart of Oake ; some say he is a Meddler , but by his stature , he seemes like a low short Pine , and certaine I am , that hee is Popular , a well tymberd piece , or a store house for belly tymber .

Now Gentlemen , as I haue walked you amongst the Trees , and thorow the Wood , I pray set downe , and take a taste or two more of this Banquet .

What say you to the Leafe or Flecke of a Brawne new kild , to be of weight eight pound , and to be eaten hot out of the Bores belly raw ? much good doe you Gallants , was it not a glorious dish ? and presently after ( in stead of suckets , twelue raw puddings . I speake not one word of drinke all this while , for indeed he is no drunkard , hee abhorres that swinish vice : Alehouses , nor Tapsters cannot nick this Nick with froth , curtoll Cannes , tragicall blacke-pots , and double-dealing bumbasted Iugges , could neuer cheate him , for one Pinte of Beere or Ale is enough to wash downe a Hog , or water a Sheepe with him .

Two Loynes of Mutton , and one Loyne of Veale were but as three Sprats to him : Once at Sir Warrham Saint Leigers house , and at Sir William Sydleyes he shewed himselfe so valiant of Teeth , and Stomacke , that hee ate as much as would well haue seru'd and suffic'd thirty men , so that his belly was like to turne bankerupt and breake , but that the Seruing-men turn'd him to the fire , and anoynted his paunch with Greace and Butter , to make it stretch and hold ; and afterwards being layd in bed , hee slept eight houres , and fasted all the while : which when the Knight vnderstood , he commanded him to be laid in the stocks , and there to endure as long time as he had laine bed rid with eating .

Pompey the Great , Alexander the Great , Tamberlane the Great , Charlemagne or Charles the Great , Arthur the Great : all these gat the Title of Great , for conquering Kingdomes , and killing of men ; and surely eating is not a greater sinne then rapine , theft , manslaughter and murther . Therefore this noble Eatalian doth well deserue the Tytle of Great : wherefore I instile him Nicholas the Great ( Eater : ) And as these forenamed Greats haue ouerthrowne and wasted Countreyes , and Hosts of men , with the helpe of their Soldiers and followers ; so hath our Nick the Great , ( in his owne person ) without the helpe or ayde of any man , ouercome , conquered , and deuouted in one weeke , as much as would haue sufficed a reasonable and sufficient Army in a day , for hee hath at one meale made an assault vpon seuen dozen of good Rabbets at the Lord Wootons in Kent , which in the totall is foure-score , which number would well haue suffic'd a hundred , three-score and eight hungry Soldiers , allowing to each of them halfe a Rabbet .

Bell , the famous Idoll of the Babylonians , was a meere imposture , a Iuggling toye , and a cheating bable , in comparison of this Nicholaitan , Kentish Tenterbelly , the high and mighty Duke All-paunch , was but a fiction to him . Milo the Crotonian could hardly be his equall : and Woolner of Windsor was not worthy to bee his foot-man . A quarter of fat Lambe , and three-score Eggs haue beene but an easie colation , and three well larded Pudding-pyes he hath at one time put to foyle , eighteene yards of blacke Puddings ( London measure ) haue suddenly beene imprisoned in his sowse-tub . A Ducke raw with guts , feathers , and all ( except the bill & the long feathers of the wings ) hath swomme in the whirlepole or pond of his mawe , and he told me , that three-score pound of Cherries was but a kind of washing meate , and that there was no tacke in them , for hee had tride it at one time . But one Iohn Dale was too hard for him at a place called Lennam , for the said Dale had laid a wager that he would fill Woods belly , with good wholesome victuals for 2. shillings , & a Gentleman that laid the contrary , did wager , that as soone as noble Nick had eaten out Dales 2. shillings , that he should presently enter combate with a worthy Knight , called Sir Loyne of Beefe , & ouerthrow him ; in conclusion , Dale bought 6. pots of potent , high , and mighty Ale , and twelue new penny white loaues , which hee sop'd in the said Ale , the powerfull fume whereof , conquer'd the conqueror , rob'd him of his reason , bereft him of his wit , violently tooke away his stomacke , intoxicated his ●i●mater , & entred the Sconce of his Pericranion , blinde folded him with sleep ; setting a nap of nine houres for manacles vpon his threed-bare eyelids , to the preseruation of the rost Beefe , and the vnexpected winning of the wager .

This inuincible Ale , victoriously vanquish'd the vanquisher , and ouer our Great Triumpher , was Triumphant : But there are presidents enow of as potent men as our Nicholas , that haue subdued Kings and Kingdomes , and yet they themselues haue beene captiu'd and conquer'd by drinke ; wee need recite no more examples but the Great Alexander , and Holophernes , their ambition was boundlesse , and so is the stomacke of my Pens subiect , for all the foure Elements cannot cloy him , fish from the deepest Ocean , or purest Riuer , fairest Pond , foulest Ditch , or dirtiest puddle . he hath a receite for Fowle of all sorts , from the Wren to the Eagle , from the Titmouse to the Estrich , or Cassawaraway , his paunch is either a Coope or a Roost for them : He hath ( within himselfe ) a stall for the Oxe , a roome for the Cow , a stye for the Hogge , a Parke for the Deere , a warren for Coneies , a store-house for fruit , a dayery for Milke , Creame , Curds , Whay , Butter-milke , and Cheese : his mouth is a Mill of perpetuall motion , for let the wind or the water rise or fall , yet his teeth will euer bee grinding ; his guts are the Rendez-vous or meeting place or Burse for the Beasts of the fields , the Fowles of the Ayre , and Fishes of the Sea ; and though they be neuer so wild or disagreeing in Nature , one to another , yet hee binds or grindes them to the peace , in such manner , that they neuer fall at odds againe . His eating of a Sheepe , a Hog , and a Duck raw , doth shew that he is free from the sinne of nicenesse or his curiosity in Dyet . ( It had beene happy for the poore , if their stomacks had beene of that constitution , when seacoales were so deare here . ) Besides , he neuer troubles a Larder , or Cupboord to lay cold meate in , nor doth he keepe any Cats or Traps in his house to destroy vermin , he takes so good a course , that he layes or shuts vp all safe within himselfe ; in briefe , giue him meate , and he ne'r stands vpon the cookery , he cares not for the Peacocke of Samos , the Woodcock of Phrygia , the Cranes of Malta , the Pheasants of England , the Caperkelly , the Heathcocke , and Termagant of Scotland , the Goate of Wales , the Salmon , and Vsquabah of Ireland , the Sawsedge of Bolognia , the Skink of Westphalia , the Spanish Potato , he holds as a bable , and the Italian Figge he esteemes as poyson .

He is an English man , and English dyet will serue his turne . If the Norfolk Dumplin , and the Deuonshire White-pot , be at variance , he will atone them , the Bag-puadings of Gloucester shire , the Blacke-puddings of Worcester shire , the Pan puddings of Shropshire , the White puddings of Somersetshire , the Hasty-puddings of Hamshire , and the Pudding-pyes of any shire , all is one to him , nothing comes amisse , a contented mind is worth all , and let any thing come in the shape of fodder , or eating stuffe , it is welcome , whether it bee Sawsedge , or Custard , or Eg-pye , or Cheese-cake , or Plawne , or Foole , or Froyze , or Tanzy , or Pancake , or Fritter , or Flap-iacke , or Posset , Galley-mawfrey , Mackeroone , Kickshaw , or Tantablin , he is no puling Meacocke , nor in all his life time the queafinesse of his stomacke needed any sawcy spurre or switch of sowre Vertuice , or acute Vinegar , his appetite is no straggler , nor is it euer to seeke , for he keepes it close prisoner , and like a courteous kind Iaylour , he is very tender ouer it , not suffering it to want any thing if he can by any meanes procure it : indeede it was neuer knowne to be so farre out of reparations , that it needed the assistance of Cawdle , Alebery , Iulep , Cullisse , Grewell , or stewd-broth , onely a messe of plaine frugall Countrey Pottage was alwayes sufficient for him , though it were but a washing-bowle full , of the quantity of two pecks , which porrenger of his , I my selfe saw at the signe of the white Lyon at a Village called Harrisom in Kent , the Hostesse of which house did affirme , that hee did at once wash downe that Bowle full of pottage , with nine penny loaues of bread , and three Iugges of Beere .

Indeed , in my presence ( after he had broken his fast ) hauing ( as he said ) eaten one pottle of milke , one pottle of pottage , with bread , butter , and cheese : I then sent for him , to the aforesaid Inne , and after some accomodated salutations , I asked him if hee could eate any thing ? He gaue me thankes , and said , that if he had knowne , that any Gentleman would haue inuited him , that he would haue spared his breakefast at home , ( and with that he told me as aforesaid , what he had eaten ) yet neuerthelesse ( to doe me a courtesie ) he would shew me some small cast of his office , for he had one hole or corner in the profundity of his store-house , into which he would stow and bestow any thing that the house would afford , at his perill and my cost . Whereupon I summoned my Hostesse with three knocks vpon the Table , two stamps on the floore , with my fist and foot , at which shee made her personall appearance with a low Curtsie , and an inquisitiue What lacke ye ? I presently laid the authority of a bold Guest vpon her , commanding that all the victuals in the house should be laid on the Table . She said , she was but slenderly prouided , by reason goodman Wood was there , but what she had , or could doe , wee should presently haue : so the cloth was displaid , the salt was aduanc'd , sixe penny wheaten loaues were mounted two stories high like a Rampier , three sixe-penny Veale pyes , wall'd stiffly about , and well victual'd within , were presented to the hazzard of the Scalado , one pound of sweet butter ( being all fat and no bones ) was in a cold sweat at this mighty preparation , one good dish of Thorneback , white as Alabaster or the Snow vpon the Scithian mountaines , and in the Reare came vp an inch thick shyuer of a Peck house-hold loafe ; all which prouision were presently , in the space of an houre vtterly confounded , and brought to nothing , by the meere and onely valourous dexterity of our vnmatchable grand Gurmound . He couragiously past the Pikes , and I cleared the shot , but the house yeelded no more , so that my Guest arose vnsatisfied , and my selfe discontented in being thrifty and sauing my money against my will .

I did there offer him twenty shillings to bring him vp to me to my house on the Bank-side , and there I would haue giuen him as much good meate , as he would eate in tenne dayes , one after another , & fiue shillings a day euery day , and at the tenne dayes end , twenty shillings more , to bring him downe againe . I did also offer tenne shillings to one Ieremy Robinson a Glouer ( a man very inward with him ) to attend and keepe him company , and two shillings six pence the day , with good dyet and lodging : all which were once accepted , vntill Wood began to ruminate and examine what seruice he was to doe , for these large allowances . Now my plot was to haue him to the Beare-garden , and there before a house full of people , he should haue eaten a wheele barrow full of Tripes , and the next day , as many puddings as should reach ouer the Thames ( at a place which I would measure betwixt London and Richmond ) the third day , I would haue allowed him a fat Calfe , or Sheepe of twenty shillings price , and the fourth day he should haue had thirty Sheepes Geathers , thus from day to day , he should haue had wages & dyet with variety ; but he fearing that which his merits would amount vnto , brake off the match , saving , that perhaps when his Grace , ( I guesse who he meant ) should heare of one that ate so much , and could worke so little , he doubted there would come a command to hang him : whereupon our hopefull Beare-garden busines was shiuerd , and shatterd in pieces .