WIll Baxted , a late well knowne fine Comedian , went in a Morning , on one of the Twenlve dayes in Christmas time , upon occasion of businesse to speake with an old rich miserable House-keeper , and having done what he came for , hee tooke his leave , leaving the old man in his Chamber : but as hee was going out of the doores , he said to the Fellow that let him out , My Friend , is not this Christmas time ? Yes that it is said the other ; then sayd Baxted , will not your Master bee angry if I doe goe away and not drinke ? the Fellow said , no sure , I thinke he will not be offended at all for such a small fault : O but ( quot Baxted ) it is good to be sure , and I am loth you should have any ill will for my sake , therefore I pray you , aske your Master if he will not be angry with you , if I doe goe away before I drinke : Sir sayd the fellow , I will not aske him such a question , but I will make you drinke without his knowledge . So into a Celler they went , and strong Beere was drawne in a Horne-cup , and as Baxted was drinking , the Master of the house knockt , and call'd , and whistl'd for his man as if hee had beene mad , so that the fellow was faine to leave Baxted in the Celler , and run upstaires in haste to his Master , who angryly said , ( Sirrha ) where have you beene ? and what is the reason that I have knock't , and bounc'd so long for you ? Sir ( sayd the servant ) I was giving a cup of Beere in the Celler to the Player that was with you : How , said the Master , thou idle wastfull knave , doe I keepe a Tap-house or Ordinary for every companion to tipple in ? I 'le make thee know it is not my Disposition , nor is it for my Reputation or profit : Truely Sir , said the Fellow , I could not chuse but make him drinke for shame , hee spake such words that mov'd me so ; and with that he told his Master what Baxted said , and that he had left him in the Celler alone : A Rope on him said the Old man , I will goe to him , and bid him welcome , ( though but with an ill will ) the mad knave will jeere me else . So he went to the Celler , where finding Baxted , hee said , you are welcome , and I thanke my man for having so much manners as to entertaine you ; for my head was full of businesse , and so I drinke to you good Mr. Baxted , and I pray you what say you to a slice of a Coller of Brawne and Mustard this Morning ? O sir , sayd hee , I would not say any thing at all to it , but I would doe somewhat to it if I had it ; truely Mr. Baxted ( said he ) and you shall have it ; so with an ill will he sent his man for it , who brought into the Celler a goodly Coller of Brawne , whole and uncut , Baxted knowing the Riches of the man , and the miserable poverty of his minde , drew forth his knife , with a full resolution to take the Coller lower , though the anger were raysed the higher , so with a desperate acute stomacke hee cut out a peece as bigge as a Penny-loafe on the top of the Brawne , which he presently consumed , and more for roagery than hunger : in the meane space the sight of the Brawnes demollishing vext the Old man : But Baxted persisting twixt Jeast and Coller , gave it the second cut in the other side on the top , so that it look'd forked like the Signe of the Myter ; at which the Old man could no longer hold , or contayne himselfe from speaking , saying , Master Baxted , are you marryed sir ? No sir quoth he , I am single , and I keepe no house ; the other said , I thought so by your cutting of Brawne , for I doe thinke you doe neither know the price of such a Coller , or what belongs 〈◊〉 it . Baxted answered him , Sir , indeed for the price I neither know , nor care for , but yet I doe know what belongs to it , which is a cup of Muskadell , if I could get it . So the old Mizer was faine to send his man to the Taverne for halfe a Pinte of Muskadell , to wash downe Baxteds Brawne , who was no sooner gone , but the old man in a rage gave his man warning to provide him another Master , for hee would keepe no such riotting knaves that would entertaine such bold Guests .

A Water-man ( now living ) named Gilford , dwelt on the Bank-side , and comming home to his Dinner , which was Beefe and Cabbage , of which hee had made pottage , hee prayed his wife to make haste , and take it off the Fire , that hee might quickly dine , and bee gone ; and whilst the woman was reaching a Porrenger and Platter , a Cur-dog came into the house , lifted up his legge , and pist in the Porridge-pot amongst the meare and Cabbage , which the man perceiving told his Wife , and catch'd the dogge , and almost beate him to death : but the woman intreated her Husband to eate his Dinner , for it should bee never the worse , when shee had strayned the Pottage through a cleane cloath , but all her perswasions could not make him eate .

AFaire Chyne of Beefe was once given to Mr. Iohn Fletcher , ( the Poet ) he pray'd his Hostesse , ( being an old woman neere the Bank-side , where he lodged ) to salt it well seven or eight daies , and he would invite some friends to the eating of it : the day being come , and the Chine at the Fire , the Woman had not playd the Huswife so well in salting of it , but that it had taken Ayre , and entertain'd more Tenants than were welcome : but after it had beene three houres at the fire , Master Fletcher had a minde to have a slice hot from the spit , and for that purpose came downe from his Chamber , drew his Knife , and cut ; and as hee cut , hee espyed Maggots drop out , at which hee was angry , but suffering the Spit to goe about , hee cut on the other side , and found it worse : Whereupon Fletcher being alone , ( for the Woman was gone forth , and left the Jacke to looke to the Spit ) was so enraged , that hee tooke the spit up , and setting his foot against the meate , footed it off , and threw it into a muddy ditch on the other side of the way , and putting the Spit into the Jackerope againe , went up to his Chamber againe in a chafe : the old woman suddainly comming in , and seeing the meate gone , was amazed , and stept into the streete , and asked some of her neighbours , if they saw any body goe into her house ? one made answer , that Mr. Fletcher went over to the Ditch , and backe againe , but he saw no body else ; then the woman went to see , and shee perceived the mudde was newly inclosed over something that had beene cast there in lately : so she fetcht a Rake , and raked the Beefe out of the ditch , put it under a Pumpe , and with a wispe , ashes , and sand , wash'd and scower'd it , so that all the Gentiles in it were confounded , then to the Spit shee put it againe , winds up the Jacke , which made a noise in his language whir , whir ; which Mr. Fletcher hearing , mused what was provided for Dinner for his Guests and himselfe ; the old woman being gone into her back-side , Fletcher stole softly downe the stayres , and peeping towards the fire , saw the Chine a roasting the second time , at which amazement hee biest himselfe , saying , Art thou crawl'd thither againe , thou shalt never be remov'd for me againe : so it was roasted , and gave good content to the Guests , but some of them said , it had taken winde .

Gentlemen , I doubt you have sate too long over your Beefe , and therefore a cup of Beere is not amisse , and then you shall be furnish'd with some other Viands .

TWo Souldiers of old acquaintance , having beene long asunder , chanced to meete , and after salutations they agree'd to enter an Ale-house , where a formall fashionable Tapster fill'd them as much nicke and froath with Petars of Tobacco , as made them ( in his estimation ) to bee reckoned at two shillings ; they fell to the discourse of their severall Fortunes and Services , the one of Russia and Poland , the other of Germany and Sweaden ; they talk't of hunger and thirst , cold , and nakednesse , sieges , and assaults , Artillery , Ammunition , Guns , and Drummes , wounds , scarres , death , and all the perils incident to men of the Sword .

The Tapster over-hearing them , said , that they were the better welcome for being Souldiers , and that hee had beene one of that Martiall Traine himselfe in the Low-countries , where ( hee thank'd God ) hee neither did harme , nor tooke any ; the best was , that hee had learn'd so much wit that no man could couzen him : the Souldiers answer'd him , that his labour was worth his travell , in learning so much cunning , and so they paid their reckoning , and departed . They had not gone farre , but they met with another of their old acquaintance , ( a cunning shark ) to whom they told the bragging confidence of the Tapster : How said he , will he not be couzned ? Tell mee where hee dwells , and goe you two and stay at a Taverne that 's next him ; and I will first be with him , and then come quickly to you .

The place being told , and the Taverne appointed , the witty Soldier went to the Tapster , and call'd for two Gunnes of Beere ; Guns quoth the Tapster ? Canns you would say ; the other reply'd , I doe meane Cannes , but I have beene so us'd to Cunnes in the Warres , that I forget my selfe , and call every thing a Gunne : So the Beere was fill'd in , and drank , and the Tapster fill'd his Gunnes or Cannes by couples , which they dranke betweene them ; then the Souldier said that hee saw a Tapster winne a Wager lately beyond beleefe ; for he brought sixe Cannes of Beere from the Tap all full , in one hand , and set them on the Table , not spilling one drop ; Sir , said the Tapster , I dare to lay a Crowne that I can doe that , I will lay as much that you doe it not said the other ; so the Wager was layd on the Boord , but whilst the Tapster was filling the Cannes , the Souldier ran away with the money , and straight perceived for all his wit and cunning , yet was able to be couzned .

A Gentleman dwelt two miles from a Market-towne , where ( at a Taverne ) hee caused some bottles of Wine to be fill'd to carry home , because he had invited some friends to his house to eate a Venison Pasty with him the next day : but his man and himselfe dranke so hard , that they forgot their Liquor , ( I meane the Bottles . ) The next day being come , and Dinner ready to bee laid on the Table , they remembred the Wine ; so the Gentleman commanded his man to take a Horse , ( which was sadled in the Stable ) and to ride for the Wine with all speed . Well , to Dinner they went , and the Serving-man to the Stable , the Pafry was opened , and to 't they fell , and after an Houres time expecting the Wine , now sayd the Gentleman , methinks my man is riding hither in post , I heare the Horse dash ; at which words the fellow entred : Hah well said , art thou come said the Master ? we have stay'd long , and thou hast made but slow speed ; a poxe on 't said the Fellow , if I should bee hang'd I cannot finde the bridle .

A Collier , neere Croyden , having loaden his Cart with Coales for London , a woman that dwelt neare him that was Nurse to a Marchants child of the City , desired the Collier to remember her humble service to her Maister and Mistresse , and to tell them ( God be thanked ) their Childe was well ; and withall she intreated the Collier to carry them a live Pigge , ( which she had put in a bag before the Colliers face : ) the Collier tooke the bagge and made it fast upon the top of his Cart , and away came he . When hee came into London where hee should deliver his Coales , hee tooke the bagge with the Pigge , and tyed it under the Cart to one of the spoakes of the Wheele , and when hee had almost unloaden , a couple of Porters stood and perceived something moove in the bagge , did suppose it was a Pigge or a Goose , or some such creature , which they had borrowed upon some Common or high way , as they came by night : And whilst the Colliers were busied , & absent in carriage , and empting their Sackes , the Porters stole the Pigge out of the bagge , and put in a little cur dogge of their owne , making it fast as they found it , and away go they : The dogge impatient of his bondage , began to frig and fling , as he had bin mad , that the Colliers said , the Divell was newly entred into the Pigge ; or else the Pig did presage that hee was neare his owne death . Wel , the Cart being empty , the Collier takes the dog-pigge , and carried it to the Marchant , delivering his Message ( which was welcome ) saying that he must carry the bag backe agen ; so hee went to a side Table , and opened it , and putting in his hand for a Pigge , the dogge bit him by the fingers ; a pox on yee dee bite , quoth he : what doth he bite : quoth the Marchant , it can not be , I will take him out my selfe , then the Marchant put his hand into the bag , and the dogge snapt him so currishly that hee fetcht blood of his fingers , at which hee was angry , and bid the Divell take the Collier and the Pigge both . At which the Marchants wife laughed , and cald them both fooles , and with that she tooke the bagge by the bottome , and shooke out the dogge : the dogge being amazed , ( not knowing where hee was ) turn'd round twice or thrice , and leapt over a Hatch , and away ran he home to pick the bones of the Pigge : the Collier hang'd down his Head all ashamed to looke upon the Marchant . The Marchant ( standing with his fingers bleeding ) very angerly asked the Collier that if hee had no body but hee to abuse , and play the knave withall , to bring him a dog instead of a Pigge : to whom the Collier replyd , and also affirm'd with an oath , that his intent was free from abusing him or any man else , and that it was a Pig in the morning . The Marchant swore it was a dogge , the Collier swore it was a Pig ; and so much good may it doe you with your Pig .

MY Reader perhaps may bee thirsty or dry with relating this long Tale of the Ducks , therefore it cannot be amisse to give him a Bowle of small Beere for a cooler .

A Gentleman that dwelt tenne miles from London , sent his Footman in all haste to the Citty , to tell a Merchant welcome newes of a rich Unkle of his lately dead , that had left him somewhat to make him merry for his Death , with an out-side mourning in Blacke , and an in-side laughing with Sacke . The Foot-man having his Message , with a Letter , made as much speed as hee could , in hope of Reward for his good tidings , so that he seem'd by his pace to have wings on his heeles , and by the fogge or sweate hee was in , you would have suppos'd him to have beene bloated or stewed body and bones .

Being come to the Merchant , hee deliver'd the Letter , which after he had halfe read , the Contents contented him so , that hee call'd his Maid , commanding her to fill a Bowle of Beere , and give it to the Foot-man , ( who stood dropping with sweate as if he had newly beene duck'd ) but hee setting it to his mouth , swallowed it with extreame eagernesse , and finding by the taste that it was a poore mortified Liquor , having no vivacity left in it , but meerely cold , comfortlesse , and at the best , a poore decayed single-soal'd drinke , although it were dead , and a deceased remnant of humidious Aquacity , nay though it had not upou the death or departure from its Cinnicall or Diogenicall habitation given so much as a good rellish , a smacke , or a taste to the poore Foot-man , that ever any Malt had beene drown'd , drench'd , or imbrew'd into it , yet hee ( as a man of a milde temper ) amidst his heate , unwilling to speake ill of the dead , did plainely tell the Merchant thus : Sir , I doe thinke that your Beere hath ran as fast as I have ran , and faster . Why sayst thou so ? ( quoth the Merchant ) because said the other , it sweates more then I do : it cannot be said the Marchant : the foote-man replied that if it did not sweate , he was much deceived , for hee was sure it was in a cold sweate , or all of a water .