(1)

MY selfe caried an olde fellow by water , that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward , and wit sufficient for a Scauenger ; the water being somewhat rough , hee was much afraid , and ( in stead of saying his prayers , ) 〈◊〉 threatned me , that if I did drowne him , he would spend a hundred pound , but hee would 〈◊〉 me hanged for it ; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing , and so in litlle space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bankside , alias Paris Garden , ) Well ( said he ) I am glad I am off the water , for it the Boat had miscaried , I could haue swum no more then a Goose.

(2)

AN old 〈◊〉 ( at the repayring of a Church ) was writing sentences of Scripture vpon the walles , by chance a friend of mine came into the Church , and reading them perceined much false English : Old man , said my friend , why do you not write true English ? Alas Sir ( quoth the Painter ) they are 〈◊〉 simple people in this Parish , and they will not goe to the cost of it .

(3)

TWo men being 〈◊〉 at a Table , one against the other the one of them hauing a cup in his hand , drank to the other , saying , Here Opposite I will drinke to you : Opposite , said the other ( being angry ) what is that , I would not haue thee put any of thy nicknames vpon mee , for thou shalt well know that I am no more opposite then thy selfe , or the skinne 〈◊〉 thy browes .

(4)

A Wealthy Monsieur in France , ( hauing profound 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 braine ) was told by his man that 〈◊〉 did continually gape in his sléepe : at which he was angry with his man , saying , hée would not beléeue it : his man 〈◊〉 it to 〈◊〉 true , his master said that he would neuer beléeue any that tould him so , except ( quoth he ) I chance to see it with mine own eyes : and therefore I will haue a great Looking-glasse hanged at my beds 〈◊〉 for the purpofe , to try whether thou art a lying knaue or not .

(5)

THe said 〈◊〉 commaunded his man to buy him a gray hat , with a button in the 〈◊〉 to button it vp behind : his man bought him one , & brought him , he put it on his head with the button before , which when hee looked in the glasse and saw , he was very angry saying , thou crosse 〈◊〉 knaue , did I not 〈◊〉 thée buy a hat with the button to hold it vp behind , and thou hast brought mee one that turnes vp before : I command thée once more goe thy wayes , and 〈◊〉 me such a one as I would haue , 〈◊〉 it cost me .

(6)

THe same Gallent as 〈◊〉 trauelled , would haue a Goose to his Supper , which when she was 〈◊〉 and brought to the Table , he said shee 〈◊〉 : not so , I hope , said the 〈◊〉 , it cannot be , for I am sure shee was aliue since you came into the house : That may be quoth the 〈◊〉 , but then I am sure 〈◊〉 you kild her when she was 〈◊〉 , shee would neuer stinke so else .

(7)

AN excéeding tall Gentlewoman was riding behind a very short little man , so that the mans head reached no higher then her breast , which the afore-said 〈◊〉 perceiuing , said , Madam you will ride a great deale better , if you put your legge 〈◊〉 that same pummell of your saddle .

Another time he chanced to méete a Lady of his acquaintance , and asked her how she did , and how her good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; at which word she wept , saying , that her Husband was in heauen ; in 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , it is the 〈◊〉 time that I 〈◊〉 of it , 〈◊〉 I am 〈◊〉 for it with all my heart .

(8)

ONce the said 〈◊〉 saw a 〈◊〉 that had a Iack Daw to sell : Sirra quoth he what wilt thou take for thy daw ? 〈◊〉 ( said the 〈◊〉 ) the price of my Daw is two French Crownes . Wherefore ( said the other ) dost thou aske so much for him ? the fellow replyed , that the Daw could speake French , Italian , Spanish , Dutch and Latine ; all which tongues hee will speake after he is a little acquainted in your Lordships house : Well quoth hee , bring thy Daw in , and there is thy money . In conclusion , Iack Daw ( after a moneth or fiue 〈◊〉 time ) neuer spake otherwise then his father 〈◊〉 Kaw Kaw : whereat the 〈◊〉 said , that the Knaue had cozened him of his money ; but it is no matter , there is no great 〈◊〉 in it : for quoth hee , though my Daw doe not speake yet I am in good hope that he thinkes the more .

(9)

ANother time hee commanded his man to buy some swéet thing to burne in his Chamber , for ( quoth he ) my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in a paper , and 〈◊〉 hee was going for fire , his master tasted of it , and finding it sticke in his téeth , and rellish very bitter , he called his man cozening knaue , that would bring him such bitter trash for his money ; and straight wayes commanded 〈◊〉 to buy a pound of the best sugar , and burne it straight to swéeten and perfume his Chamber .

( 10 )

THis Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing , and many times when hee had lost all his money , then hee would pawne his cloake , and so goe home without either cloake or coyne , which grieued the Lady his mother very much : for remedy whereof , she caused all his doublets ( of what stuffe soeuer ) to bee made with 〈◊〉 painted backes , whereon was fashioned 2 fooles , which caused the gentleman euer after to kéepe his cloake on his backe , for feare two of the thrée should bee discouered .

( 11 )

WIll Backstead the Player cast his Chamber-lye out of his window in the night , which chanced to light vpon the heads of the watch passing by ; who angerly said , who is that offers vs this abuse ? Why , 〈◊〉 Will , who is there ? Who is here , said one of the pickled watchmen , we are the Watch. The Watch , quoth William , why my friends you know , Harme watch , harme catch .

( 12 )

A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly 〈◊〉 house new built , but the broken bricks , tiles , sand , lime , stones , and sush rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings lay confusedly in heaps and scattered here and there : The Cardinall demanded of his Suruayor wherefore the rubbish was not conueyed away : The Suruayor said ; that he purposed to hyre an hundred carts for the purpose . The Cardinall replyed , that the charge of Carts might be saued , for a pit might digged in the ground and bury it . My Lord , sayd the Suruayor , I pray you what shall we 〈◊〉 with the earth which we digge out of the said pit ? Why you horseson 〈◊〉 , said the Cardinall , 〈◊〉 thou not dig the pit 〈◊〉 enough , and bury all together .

( 13 )

A Poore Country man praying 〈◊〉 Superstitious before an olde Image of S. Loy , the Image suddenly fell downe vpon the poore man , and bruised his bones sorely , that he could not stirre abroad in a 〈◊〉 after ; in which space the cheating Priests 〈◊〉 set 〈◊〉 a new Image : the country man came to the Church againe , and 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 off , to the new Image , saying , Although thou smilest and lookest faire vpon me yet thy father plaid me such a knauish pranke lately , that I le beware how I 〈◊〉 too neere thee , lest thou shouldest haue any of thy Fathers vnhappy qualities .

( 14 )

A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ten 〈◊〉 in suit of Law , had a triall at 〈◊〉 , where the 〈◊〉 went on her side ; wherevpon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 presently 〈◊〉 her 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 some of her néerest tenants & 〈◊〉 to supper ; amongst whom was a plaine downe right countrey 〈◊〉 , to whom the Lady sayd , 〈◊〉 , I thinke I haue tickled my aduersary now , though it were long first , I trow hee will make no brags of his medling with me . The honest 〈◊〉 replyed , Truely Madam I did euer thinke what it would come to at last , for I knew when he first medled with your 〈◊〉 , that he had a wrong Sow by the 〈◊〉 .

( 15 )

ONe asked a 〈◊〉 what the Westminster Hall was like ; Marry , quoth the other , it is like a Butlers Box at Christmas amongst 〈◊〉 , for whosoeuer loseth , the Box will be sure to bee a winner .

( 16 )

A Proper Gentlewoman went to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a rich 〈◊〉 that had more gowt then good manners , at her taking leaue hee requested her to tast a cup of Canara : She ( contrary to his expectation ) tooke him at his 〈◊〉 , and thanked him . Hee commanded Ieffrey Starueling his man to wash a glasse , and fill it to the Gentlewoman . Honest 〈◊〉 fild a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles , and gaue it to his master , who kist it to saue cost , and gaue it to the Gentlewoman , saying 〈◊〉 it was good Canara of sixe yeares old at the least , to whom shee an swered , ( séeing the quantitie so small ) sir , as you requested me , I haue tasted your wine , but I wonder that it should be so little , being of such a great age .

( 17 )

A Souldier vpon his march found a horse-shooe , and stucke it at his girdle , where passing through a wood , some of the enemy lay in 〈◊〉 , and one of them discharged his musket , and the shot by fortune light against the fellowes horse-shooe . A ha , 〈◊〉 . he , I perceiue that little armor will serue a mans turne , if it bee put on in the right place .

( 18 )

ONe being in a 〈◊〉 with his friend , looking out at the window , he saw one riding on a horse in the stréet , said he , do you sée that horse ? yea , 〈◊〉 . the other : then said he , you may sweare you haue séene the best hors in England : how do you know that said the other ? I know it well , said he , for it is my horse , and I am sure that he is the best , and yet I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I haue one in my stable worth ten of him .

( 19 )

AN vnhappy boy that kept his fathers 〈◊〉 in the country , did vse to cary a payre of Cards in his pocket , and méeting with boyes as good as himselfe , would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny , or English one and thirtie ; at which sport he would some daies lose a shéepe or two : for which if his father corrected him , hee ( in reuenge ) would driue the shéepe home at night ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them falling besides the bridge , were drowned in the swift brooke . The old man being wearied with his vngracious dealing , complained to a Iustice , thinking to afright him from doing any more the like . In briefe , before the 〈◊〉 the youth was brought , where ( vsing small reuerence , and lesse 〈◊〉 , ) the Iustice said to him , Sirrah , you are a notable villaine , you play at Cards , and lose your fathers shéepe at one and thirty . The boy replyed , that it was a lye . A lye , quoth the Iustice , you saucy knaue , dost thou giue me the 〈◊〉 No , qd the boy I gaue not you the lye , but you told me the lye , for I neuer lost Shéepe at one and thirty , for when my game was one and thirty I allwayes wonne . Indéede , said the Iustice , thou saist true , but I haue another accusation 〈◊〉 thée , which is , that you driue 〈◊〉 fathers shéepe ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them are oftentimes drowned : That 's a lye too , quoth the 〈◊〉 , for 〈◊〉 that goe ouer the bridge are well enough , it is onely those that fall beside : which are drowned : Whereto the Iustice said to the boyes father . Old man , thou 〈◊〉 brought in to false accusations against thy 〈◊〉 , for he neuer lost shéepe at one and thirty , nor were there euer any drowned that went ouer the bridge .

( 20 ) A Quiblet .

A 〈◊〉 passing through a roome where a Woman was 〈◊〉 a buck of clothes , but hee thinking shée had béene 〈◊〉 , saw a dish , and dipped some small 〈◊〉 of the Lye , which he supposing to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , dranke vp , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 , spt , 〈◊〉 , and spaule : the 〈◊〉 asked him 〈◊〉 hée 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 told her , and called her some 〈◊〉 names , saying , he had swallowed Lye , Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry , for you being a Souldier and a Captaine , it must 〈◊〉 trouble your stomake to swallow the Lye .

( 21 )

A Country fellow ( that had not walked much in stréets that were paued ) came to London , where a dog came 〈◊〉 out of a house , and furiously ran 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stooped to take vp a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Dogge , and finding them all 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or paued in the ground ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 strange Country am I in , 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 tye vp the 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 let the dogs loose .

( 22 )

AN honest Mayor of a Towne , being all Mercy and no Iustice , louing ease and quietnesse , and vnwilling to commit any offence or offender , one said of him that hée was like the herbe Iohn in a pottag pot , for that herbe did not giue any taste at all either good or bad , but an excellent 〈◊〉 : so the Mayor did neither good nor harme , but ( as an image of a Mayors authority ) filled vp the roome .

( 23 )

A Iustice of the Peace , being angry with a pilfering Knaue , said , Sirrah , if thou dost not mend thy manners , thou wilt be shortly 〈◊〉 , or else I will bee hauged for thée . The bold knaue replyed , I thanke your worship for that kind offer , and I beséech your worship not to bee out of the way when I shall haue occasion so vse you .

( 24 )

CErtaine Iustices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkennesse in their Iurisdictions , did according to their places and duties , méet at a market towne , and sate two dayes , hearing informations , and working reformations : at last they concluded that the Ale and Béere were too strong , and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drinke should bée brewed , whereby these vnruly people might sometimes goe to bed sober . But one mad tospot fellow being much grieued at this order , hauing made himselie half pot-shaken , without feare or wit came to the Iustices , and asked them if they had sate two dayes about the brewing of small drink : to whom one of the Iustices replyed , yes : Why then quoth the 〈◊〉 , I pray you sit thrée dayes more to know who shall drinke it , for I will none of it .

( 25 )

THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes , who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine : but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it , maintaining it for the lesser suill , to shut vp the windowes of his body , then to suffer 〈◊〉 house to fall downe , through want of reparations .

( 26 )

VPon the death of Queene Elizabeth , there was a Mayor of a Country Towne sitting in consultation with his Brethren : to whom hee grauely said , My Brethren and Neighours , I 〈◊〉 heare that the Quéene is dead , wherefore I thought it excéeding 〈◊〉 we should despaire to this place , that being dissembled together , we might consult of our estates , for I doubt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shalt haue another Queene or a King , and I stand in great feare that the people will be vnrude , so that wée shall bée in danger of strange Resurrection ,

( 27 )

ANother Mayor that was on hunting , ( by chance ) one asked him how hée liked the Cry : a pox take the Doggs , saith he , they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the Cry .

( 28 )

AN old Iustice was fast a sléepe on the Bench when a 〈◊〉 Malefactor was iudged to bee hanged ; at which word the Iustice suddenly awaked , and said to the Théefe , My friend , I pray let this bee a warning to you , looke you doe so no more , for wee doe not show euery man the like fauour .

( 29 )

AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor , in the meane space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man : my Lord asked the fellowes name , who answered , his name was Gilman . Said my Lord , take away G , and thy name is Ilman put K to it , thy name is Kilman , and put to Sp and thy name is Spilman , thou art halfe hang'd already ( as the prouerbe sayes : ) for thou hast au ill name , let a man vary it how he can .

The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canuasing the mans name , and afterward being at home among his owne good people , hée had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child : Master Mayor asked him his name : the fellow said , if it please your worship my name is Iohnson . Then Master Mayor ( striuing to Imitate my Lord ) said , take away G and thy name is Ilman , put K to it , it is Kilman , put Sp to it , and thy name is Spilman , thou art a knaue , thou hast an ill name , and 〈◊〉 shalt bée hanged , &c.

( 30 ) A Quiblet .

MAster Field the Player riding vp Fleetstreet , a great pace , a Gentleman called him , and asked him what play was playd that day : he ( being angry to be 〈◊〉 vpon so friuolous a demand ) answered , that he might see what play was to bée playd vpon euery Poste , I cry you mercy ( said the Gentleman ) I tooke you for a Poste , you road so fast

( 31 )

ONe being 〈◊〉 vexed with the spirit of iealousie , came suddenly into his house , and found a man ( whom he suspected ) some what too busie with his wife ; to whom he said , Now good fellow I thanke thée , for thou hast cured mee of a strange hellish torment ; my suspition is cleared , and apparent knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart , that I will be iealous no more .

( 32 )

A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan ( in plaine English a Whore ) I pray you spare that 〈◊〉 , said the Painter , for if shee bee a right whore she daily paints her selfe .

( 33

SEigneur Valdrino ( pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon ) a man exquisite in courtship and complement ; as two or thrée were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was , a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter : why Captaine , said one , 〈◊〉 are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is : Oh said the Captaine , I can tell you that , I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise , for I haue serued the King in his 〈◊〉 these seuen yeers without pay , and euer when I petition to my Lord , he payes me with no coine but promises , which makes mee halfe assured that he is that countryman .

( 34

A Nobleman of France ( as he was riding ) met with a yeoman of the country , to whom he said , My friend I should know thée , I doe remember I haue often seene thée : My good Lord , said the Countryman , I am one of your Houors poore tenants , and my name is T. 1. I remember thée better now ( said my Lord ) there were 2 brothers of you , but one is dead , I pray which of you doth remaine aliue ?

( 35 )

THe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 man hauing had a 〈◊〉 that was blind , play to him after supper 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 late , at last he arose , and commanded one of his seruants to light the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : to whom the 〈◊〉 said my Lord , the Harper is blind : 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , quoth my Lord , he 〈◊〉 the more 〈◊〉 of light .

( 36 )

A Young fellow 〈◊〉 himselfe the richest 〈◊〉 in England : to whom his Mother 〈◊〉 very angerly , you foolish 〈◊〉 boy , why 〈◊〉 thou desire such a wish , hath not 〈◊〉 own Father enough in store for thee ?

( 37 )

A 〈◊〉 Rampant , made her husband a 〈◊〉 Dormant , with a front Cressant , surprised by the watch Guardant , brought to the Iustice 〈◊〉 , with her play-fellow 〈◊〉 , after a coursie Couchant ; the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous , in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner , and that she should consider that her husband was her Head : Good sir , quoth shee , I did euer acknowledge him so ; and I hope it is no such great fault in me , for I was but trimming , dressing , or 〈◊〉 my Head .

( 38 )

A Man being very sickely , one said to his wife , I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap . Truely ( quoth 〈◊〉 ) within this sixe monthes that my husband hath béen sicke , although his legs be shrunk , yet he hath outgrowne all his night-caps .

( 39 )

A 〈◊〉 , whose mother was noted to bee one not ouerloden with honesty , went to seeke his Godfather , and enquiring for him , quoth one to him , who is thy Godfather : the boy reply'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner : Oh said the man , if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Ale-house : but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine .

( 40 )

A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London , his horse being tyred , ( a lazy disease often befalling such hacknies ) met a Poste on the way , who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place , by 〈◊〉 , switch , and bridle , yet the Poste was 〈◊〉 to giue him the way : to whom ( in anger ) he said , Thou paltry fellow , dost thou not sée I am a Poste ? The Scholler straight replyed , And thou ignorant fellow , 〈◊〉 thou not sée that I ride vpon a Poste .

( 41 )

A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit , in a 〈◊〉 euening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as hée met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing crosse , and comming néere the Sauoy , where stood a Poste a little distance from the wall : the drunkard tooke it for a man , and would haue the wall , beginning to quarrell and giue the Poste foule words : at which a man came by , and asked the matter , and whom he spake to : he answered hee would 〈◊〉 the wall of that fellow that stood so stifly there : my friend said the other , that is a Poste , you must giue him the way : Is it so , said the fellow , a 〈◊〉 vpon 〈◊〉 , why did he not blow his horne ?

( 42 )

A Saylor being on a tired horse , riding 〈◊〉 Douer to London , his company prayd him to ride faster : to whom hee answered , I can come no faster , 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 sée that I am be calm'd ?

( 43 )

TWo Gentlemen were 〈◊〉 , and one of them cast away the others hat ; but the other catcht his hat off , and put it on his owne head : now fie , fie , quoth tho other , thou spoylest my hat : wherewith said the other ? Marry ( said hee that was bareheaded ) thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calues head into it .

( 44 ) The figure Conuersion .

IF a Uintner doth draw me good wine vpon money or credit , then he is fitter to draw then hang : but if hée draw mee bad wine for good money , then he is much fitter to hang then to draw .

( 45 )

A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about 〈◊〉 griefe he had ; when he came home his wife asked him what newes ? Marry , said hee , my Physitian doth counsell mee to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting : Why husband , quoth the Woman , I pray you tell me , doth master Doctor giue suck ?

( 46 )

A Braue and valiant Captaine , whom I could name , had a scarse giuen him here in England , and he sayling ouer into the Low Countries , an old 〈◊〉 Catholike Lady of his acquaintance , was very importunate to beg his scarfe of him : the Captaine asked her what shee would 〈◊〉 with it , and said , it was not fit for her wearing . She answered him , that if he would giue it her , that Iesus Christ should weare it in the Church vpon holy dayes , meanning the Image , Madam , said the Captaine , if you will bringe me word that euer his father wore such a scarfe , then I will giue you this for him .

( 47 )

BEtwéene the houres of twelue and 〈◊〉 at noone , one asked me what it was a clocke : I answered him , it was little or no thing . He demaunded of me what I 〈◊〉 by my answer ? I reply'd , that it being not one of the clocke , it was to bee reckned or counted for nought , for that which is lesser then one , is little or nothing .

( 48 )

A Gentlewoman cheapned a close 〈◊〉 in Pauls Church-yard , and the shopkéeper did aske her to much money for it , as she thought , Why mistris , said he , I pray you consider what a good locke and key it hath : Shée replyed , that shee had small vse for 〈◊〉 locke or key , for 〈◊〉 purposed to put nothing into it , but what 〈◊〉 cared not who stole out .

( 49 )

A Countrey woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party ; the said party 〈◊〉 the Iudge that her 〈◊〉 might not be taken ; the Iudge demanded why hee excepted against 〈◊〉 my Lord ( quoth he ) shée is a Recusant or Romane Catholique , and they hold it no matter of conscience to sweare any thing against vs . Come hither woman , said the 〈◊〉 , I doe not thinke thou art a 〈◊〉 , I am perswaded that for forty shillings thou 〈◊〉 swear the Pope is a knaue : Good my Lord , said shee , the Pope is a stranger to me , but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship , I would sweare for halfe the money .

( 50 )

A Cardinall kept a knauish foole for his recreation , to whom hee said , Sirrah foole , suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I , and that one of vs should be turned to a Horse , and the other of vs to an Asse , say which of these two wouldest thou choose to bee ? The foole answered , Sir , you are my master , and for that 〈◊〉 it is fit that your worship should choose first , and I will be contented to take that which you leaue . Why then said the Cardinall , I would be a horse : no said the foole , let me intreat your worship to be an Asse , for I would be an Asse to chuse of al things : why quoth the Cardinall ? marry , said the foole because that I haue knowne many Asses come to bee 〈◊〉 , but I néuer knew any horse come to the like 〈◊〉 .

( 51 )

A Graue discréet Gentleman hauing a comely wife , whose beauty and frée behauiour did 〈◊〉 her honesty into suspition , by whom he had a 〈◊〉 almost at mans estate , of very dissolute and wauton cariage : I muse , said one , that a man of such stayd and moderate grauity should haue a sonne of such a contrary and froward disposition . Sir , 〈◊〉 another , the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mothers wit , that there is no roome for any of his fathers wisedome : besides the 〈◊〉 of her heeles is gotten into her sonnes braines .

( 52 )

A Rich Grasier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford , hauing a sonne that had seuen yeares beene a student there , at last sent for him home , to whom he said , Sonne I doe heare that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning , but that withall you are addicted to an idle veine of the poore and thréedbare art of Poetry ; which I charge thee to leaue and auoid , as thou 〈◊〉 my fauour . for my mind is not to haue thée liue beggerly , and dye poorely ; yet I will aske 〈◊〉 one Poetical question , which is . Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautifull a creature as Venus , was so besotted to match her selfe with so ill fauoured a knaue as Vulcan : In truth 〈◊〉 , quoth the young man , I can yéeld you no reason for it , but I wonder at it ; and yet I doe admire as much wherfore my mother maried with you .

( 53 )

A Man going with his Wife by a déepe riuer side , began to talke of Cockolds , and withall hee 〈◊〉 that euery Cuckold were cast into the riuer : to whom his wife replyes , husband I pray you learne to swimme .

( 54 )

A Man riding through a village with his dogge tunning by him , which dogges name was called Cuckold , leaping and frisking into euery house he past by where the 〈◊〉 was 〈◊〉 : whereupon the man being afraid his dog would bee lost , calls and whistles , here , here , Cuckold ; to whom an old woman said , whom dost thou miscall ? I would haue thée know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house . Good Woman , said the man , you mistake me , I doe call no body but my dog ; Now out vpon thée thou misbeléeuing kuaue , said shee , where learnedst thou that manners to call a dog by a christen bodies name .

( 55 )

A Lusty Miller that in his younger daies had béene much giuen to the flesh and the deuill ; so that not one pretty maid or female seruant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be grownd , but the knaue 〈◊〉 would doe his best to vndermine and blow vp their chastity , and withall hée would bargain with as many as his temptations ouercame , that at his day of mariage euery one of them should giue him a Cake . In processe of time the Miller was married , and those foresaid 〈◊〉 - hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes , to the number of 99. His wife the bride , who also went for a maid , did muse and aske what was the meaning of so many Cakes ? The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling : to whom his wife answered , If I had beene so wise in bargaining as you haue beeue in your time , the young men of my acquaintance would haue sent me 100 cheeses to 〈◊〉 with your cakes .

This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht , Nor onely married , but most fitly matcht : In this the prouerb is approued plaine , What bread men breake is broke to them againe .

( 56 )

THere was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharfe at london , where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship , and demanded how old she was : one made answer that she was a yeare old . Good Lord blesse me , said the Countryman , is shee so big 〈◊〉 in one yeare , what a greatnesse will she be by that time she comes to my age .

This mans blind ignorance I may compare To Aquavitae giuen to a Mare : Let each man his owne calling then apply , Ne sutor vltra crepidam , say I.