WHat a Murraine , what piece of work haue we here ? The WORLD runs a Wheeles ? On my Conscience my Dung-cart will be most vnsauourly offended with it : Ihaue heard the wordes often ▪ The World runs on Wheeles ; what , like Pompeies Bridge at Ostend ? The great Gridyron in Christ-church , The Landskips of China , or the new found Instrument that goes by winding vp like a Iacke , that a Gentleman entreated a Musitian to Rost him Sele●●ers Round vpon it ? Ha! how can you make this good Master Poet ? I haue heard that the World stands stock still , & neuer stirres , but at an Earth-quake ; and then it trembles at the wickednes of the Inhabitants , and like an olde Mother , groanes vnder the misery of her vngracious Children : well , I will buy this volume of nuention for my Boyes to read at home in an Euening when they come from Schoole , there may be some goodnes in it ; I promise you truely I haue found in some of these Bookes very shrewd Items ; yea , and by your leaue , somewhat is found in them now and then , which the wisest of vs all may be the better for : though you call them Pamphlets , to tell you true , I like em better that are plaine and merrily written to a good intent , then those who are purposely stuffed and studyed , to deceiue the world , & vndo a Country , That tells vs of Proiects beyond the Moone , of Golden Mines , of Deuices to make the Thames run on the North side of London ( which may very easily be done , by remouing London to the Banke-side ) of planting the I le of Dogs with Whiblins , Corwhichets , Mushromes & Tobacco . Tut I like none of these , Let me see , as I take it , it is an inuectiue against Coaches , or a proofe or tryall of the Antiquitie of Carts and Coaches , T is so , and Gods blessing light on his heart that wrote it , for I thinke neuer since Phaeton brake his necke , neuer Land hath endured more trouble & molestation then this hath , by the continual rumbling of these vpstart 4. wheel'd Tortoyses , as you may perhaps find anone : For as concerning the Antiquity of the Cart , I think it beyond the limmits of Record or writing , Besides , it hath a Reference or allusion to the Motion of the Heauens , which turnes vpon the Equinoctiall Axeltree , the two wheeles being the Articke and Antarticke Poles . Moreouer , though it be Poetically feygned , that the Sunne ( whom I could haue called Phoebus , Tytan , Apollo , Soll , or Hiperion ) is drawne by his foure hot and headstrong Horses ( whose names as I take it are ) Aeolus , Aethon , Phlegon , and Pyrois , Yet doe I not finde that Triumphant , Refulgent extinguisher of darknes is Coach'd , but that he is continually Carted through the twelue signes of the Zodiaque .

And if Copernicus his opinion were to be allowed , that the Firmament with the Orbs and Planets did stand vnmoueable , and that onely the Terrestriall Globe turnes round daily according to the motion of Time , yet could the World haue no resemblance of a foure-wheel'd Coach ; but in all reason it must whirle round vpon but One Axeltree , like a two wheeld Cart.

Nor can the searching eye , or most admirable Art of Astronomie , euer yet finde , that a Coach could attaine to that high exaltation of honour , as to be placed in the Firmament : It is apparently seene , that Charles his Cart ( which we by custome call Charles his Waine ) is most gloriously stellifide , where in the large Circumserence of Heauen , it is a most vsefull & beneficiall Sea-marke ( and somtimes a Land-marke too ) guiding and directing in the right way , such as trauaile on Neptunes waylesse Bosome , and many which are often benighted in wilde and desert passages , as my selfe can witnesse vpon Newmarket heath , where if that good Waine had not Carted me to my Lodging , I & my Horse might haue wandred I know not whither .

Moreouer , as Man is the most noblest of all Creatures , and all foure-footed Beasts are ordayned for his vse and seruice ; so a Cart is the Embleme of a Man , and a Coach is the Figure of a Beast ; For as Man hath two legges , a Cart hath two wheeles : The Coach being ( in the like sense ) the true resemblance of a Beast , by which is Parabollically demonstrated vnto vs , that as much as Men are superior to Beasts , so much are honest and needfull Carts more nobly to be regarded and esteemed , aboue needlesse , vpstart , fantasticall , and Time-troubling Coaches .

And as necessities and things whose commodious vses cannot be wanted , are to be respected before Toyes and trifles ( whose beginning is Folly , continuance Pride , and whose end is Ruine ) I say as necessity is to be preferred before superfluity , so is the Cart before the Coach ▪ For Stones , Timber , Corne , Wine , Beere , or any thing that wants life , there is a necessity they should be caried , because they are dead things and cannot goe on foot , which necessity the honest Cart doth supply : But the Coach like a superfluous Bable , or an vncharitable Mizer , doth sildome or neuer cary or help any dead or helplesse thing ; but on the contrary it helps those that can help themselues ( like Scoggin when he greazd the fat Sow on the Butt-end ) and carries men and women , who are able to goe or run ; Ergo the Cart is necessary , and the Coach superfluous .

Besides , I am verily perswaded , that the proudest Coxcombe that euer was iolted in a Coach , will not be so impudent but will confesse that humility is to be preferred before pride ; which being granted , note the affability and lowlines of the Cart , and the pride and insoleney of the Coach , For the Carman humbly paces it on foot , as his Beast doth , whilst the Coachman is mounted ( his fellow-horses & himself being all in a liuery ) with as many varieties of Laces , facings , Cloath and Colours as are in the Rainebowe , like a Motion or Pageant rides in state , & loades the poore Beast , which the Carman doth not ; and if the Carmens horse be melancholly or dull with hard and heauy labour , then will he like a kinde Piper whistle him a fit of mirth , to any tune from aboue Eela to belowe Gammoth , of which generosity and courtesie your Coachman is altogether ignorant , for he neuer whistles , but all his musicke is to rap out an oath , or blurt out a curse against his Teame .

The word Carmen ( as I finde it in the Dictionarie ) doth signifie a Verse , or a Song , and betwixt Carmen and Carmen , there is some good correspondencie , for Versing , Singing , and Whistling , are all three Musicall , besides the Carthorse is a more learned beast then the Coachhorse , for scarce any Coach-horse in the world doth know any letter in the Book , when as euery Carthorse doth know the letter G. very vnderstandingly .

If Adultery or Fornication bee committed in a Coach , it may be grauely and discreetely punished in a Cart , for as by this meanes the Coach may be a running Bawdy-house of abhomination , so the Cart may , ( and often is ) the sober , modest , and ciuill pac'd Instrument of Reformation : so as the Coach may be vices infection , the Cart often is vices correction .

It was a time of famous memorable misery , when the Danes had tyrannicall insulting domination in this lard : for the flauery of the English was so insupportable , that he must Plowe , Sowe , Reape , Thrash Winnow , Grinde , Sift , Leauen , Knead , and Bake , and the domineering Dane would doe nothing but sleepe , play , and eate the fruit of the English mans labour ; which well may be alluded to the carefull Cart ▪ for let it plough , carrie & recarrie , early or late , all times & weathers , yet the hungry Coach gnawes him to the very bones : Oh beware of a Coach as you would doe of a Tyger , a Woolfe , or a Leuiathan , I 'le assure you it eates more ( though it drinkes lesse ) then the Coachman and his whole Teeme , it hath a mouth gaping on each side like a monster , with which they haue swallowed all the good housekeeping in England : It lately ( like a most insatiable deuouring beast ) did eate vp a Knight , a neighbour of mine , in the County of N. a Wood of aboue 400. Akers , as if it had beene but a bunch of Radish : of another , it deuoured a whole Castle , as it had beene a Marchpane ; scarcely allowing the Knight and his Lady halfe a colde shoulder of Mutton to their suppers on a Thursday night ; out of which reuersion the Coachman and the Footeman could picke but hungry Vailes : in another place ( passing through a Parke ) it could not be content to eate vp all the Deere , and other grazing Cattell , but it bit vp all the Oakes that stoode bareheaded , there to doe homage to their Lord and Maister euer since the conquest , crushing their olde sides as easily as one of our fine Dames ( with a poysoned breath ) will snap a Cinamon stick ; or with as much facility as a Bawde will eate a Pippin Tart , or swallow a stewed Pruine .

For ( what call you the Towne ) where the great Oysters come from ? there it hath eaten vp a Church , Chauncell , Steeple , Bells and all , and it threatens a great Common that lyes neere , which in diebus illis hath relieued thousands of poore people ; nay , so hungry it is , that it will scarcely endure , in a Gentlemans house , a poore neighbours childe so much as to turne a Spit ; nor a Yeomans sonne to enter the house , though but in good will to the Chamber-maide , who anciently from 16. to 36. was wont to haue his breeding either in the Buttry , Celler , Stable , or Larder , and to bid good man Hobs , good-wife Grub , or the youth of the parish welcome at a Christmasse time ; but those dayes are gone , and their fellowes are neuer like to be seene about any of our top-gallant-houses . There was a Knight ( an acquaintance of mine ( whose whole meanes in the world was but threescore pounds a yeare , and aboue 20. of the same went for his Wiues Coach-hire ; now ( perhaps ) you shall haue an Irish Footman with a Iacket cudgell'd downe the shoulders and skirts , with yellow or Orenge tawny Lace , may trot from London 3. or 4. score miles to one of those decayed Mansions , when the simpring scornfull Pusse , the supposed Mistresse of the house ( with a mischiefe ) who is ( indeed ) a kinde of creature retired for a while into the Countrey to escape the whip in the Citie ) she demaunds out of the window scarce ready , and dressing her selfe in a glasse at noone : Fellow what is thine Errand , hast thou letters to me ? and if it be about di●ner , a man may sooner blow vp the Gates of Bergen ap Zome , with a Charme then get entrance , within the bounds of their Barr'd , Bolted , and Barracadoed Wicket : About 2. a Clocke , it may be after walking an houre or twaine , Sir Sellall comes downe , vntrust with a Pipe of Tobacco in his fist to know your businesse , hauing first peeped through a broken pane of Glasse , to see whether you come to demaund any money , or olde debt , or not , when after a few hollow dry complements ( without drinke ) he turnes you out at the gate , his worship returning to his Stove : What Townes are layde waste ? what fields lye vntilled ? what goodly houses are turn'd to the habitations of Howlets , Dawes , and Hobgoblins ? what numbers of poore are encreased ? yea examine this last yeare but the Register bookes of burials , of our greatest Townes and Parishes of the land , as Winondham in Norfolke , White Chappell neere London , and many other , and see how many haue beene buried weekely , that haue meerely perished for want of bread ; whilst Pride and Luxurie dam vp our streetes , Barracado our high wayes , and are ready euen to driue ouer their Graues , whom their vnmercifull Pride hath farnished .

Whence comes Leather to be so deare , but by reason ( or as I should say against reason ) of the multitude of Coaches , and Carroaches , who consume and take vp the best Hides that can be gotten in our Kingdome , insomuch that I cannot buy a payre of Boores for my selfe vnder an Angell , nor my Wife a payre of Shooes ( though her foote be vnder the seauenteenes ) vnder eight groates or three shillings ; by which meanes many honest Shoomakers are either vndone or vndoing , and infinite numbers of poore Christians , are enforced to goe barefooted in the colde Winters , till with very benummednesse , some their toes , and some their feete are rotted off , to the numberlesse encrease of crooched Cripples , and wooden legg'd beggers , of which sort of miserable dismembred wretches , euery streete is plentifully stored with , to the scorne of other Nations , and the shame and obloquy of our owne .

The Saddlers ( being an ancient , a worthy and a vsefull Company ) they haue almost ouerthrowne the whole trade , to the vndoing of many honest Families ; For whereas within our memories , our Nobility and Gentry would tide well mounted ( and sometimes walke on foot ) gallantly attended with three or foure score braue fellowes in blew coates , which was a glory to our Nation ; and gaue more content to the beholders , then forty of your Leather Tumbrels : Then men preseru'd their bodies strong and able by walking , riding , and other manly exercises : then Sadlers were a good Trade , and the name of a Coach was Heathen-Greeke . Who euer saw ( but vpon extraordinary occasions ) Sir Philip Sidney , Sir Francis Drake , Sir Iohn Norris , Sir William Winter , Sir Roger Williams , or ( whom I should haue nam'd first ) the famous Lord Gray , and Willoughby , with the renowned George Earle of Cumberland , or Robert Eatle of Essex : These sonnes of Mars , who in their times were the glorious Brooches of our Nation , and an admirable terrour to our Enemies : these I say did make small vse of Coaches , and there were two maine reasons for it , the one was that there were but few Coaches in most of their times : and the second reason is , they were deadly foes to all sloath and effeminacie : The like was Sir Francis Vere , with thousands others : but what should I talke further ? this is the ratling , rowling , rumbling age , and The World runnes on Wheeles . The Hackney-men who were wont to haue furnished Trauellers in all places , with fitting and seruiceable Horses for any iourney , ( by the multitude of Coaches ) are vndone by the dozens , and the whole Common-wealth most abhominably Iaded , that in many places a man had as good to ride vpon a wodden Post , as to Post it vpon one of those poore hunger-staru'd hirelings : which enormity can be imputed to nothing , but the Coaches intrusion , is the Hackney-mans confusion .

Nor haue we poore Watermen the least cause to complaine against this infernall swarme of Trade-spillers , who like the Grashoppers or Caterpillers of Egipt haue so ouer-runne the land , that we can get no liuing vpon the water ; for I dare truly affirme that euery day in any Tearme ( especially if the Court be at Whitehall ) they do rob vs of our liuings , and carry 560. fares daily from vs , which numbers of passengers were wont to supply our necessities , and enable vs sufficiently with meanes to doe our Prince and Countrey seruice : and all the whole fry of our famous Whores , whose ancient Lodgings were neere S. Katherines , the Bankside , Lambeth-Marsh , Westminster , White Friers , Coleharbar , or any other place neere the Thames , who were wont after they had any good Trading , or reasonable commings in , to take a Boate and ayre themselues vpon the water , yea ( and by your leaue ) be very liberall to , and I say as a Mercer said once , A Whores money is as good as a Ladies , and a Bawdes as current as a Midwiues : Tush those times are past , and our Hackney Coaches haue hurried all our Hackney customers quite out of our reach towards the North parts of the Citie , where they are daily practised in the Coach , that by often iolting they may the better endure the Cart vpon any occasion , and indeede many times a hired Coachman with a basket hilted blade hang'd or executed about his shoulders in a belt , ( with a cloake of some py●e colour , with two or three change of Laces about ) may man , a brace or a Leash of these curu●tting Cockatrices to their places of recreation , and so saue them the charge of maintaining a Sir Pandarus or an Apple-squire , which seruice indeede to speake the truth , a Waterman is altogether vnfit for ; and the worst is , most of them are such Loggerheads , that they either will not learne , but as I thinke would scorne to be taught : so that if the Sculler had not bene paide when hee was paide , it is to be doubted that he should neuer haue beene paide , for the Coachman hath gotten all the custome from the Scullers pay-Mistris .

This is one apparent reason , why all the Whores haue forsaken vs , and spend their Cash so free and frequent vpon those ingenious , well practiz'd , and seruiceable hired Coachmen : but ( a Pox take em all ) whither doth my wits runne after Whores and Knaues ? I pray you but note the streetes , and the chambers or lodgings in Fleet streete , or the Strand , how they are pesterd with them , especially after a Masque or a Play at the Court , where euen the very earth quakes and trembles , the Cazements shatter , tatter and clatter , and such a confused noyse is made , as if all the deuils in hell were at Barly-breake ; so that a man can neither sleepe , speake , heare , write , or eate his dinner or supper quiet for them : besides , their tumbling din ( like a counterfeit Thunder ) doth sowre Wine , Ale and Beere most abhominably , to the impairing of their healths that drinke it , and the making of many a Victualer and Tapster Trade-falne .

A Wheelewright or a maker of Carts , is an ancient , a profitable , and a Trade , which by no meanes can be wanted ; yet so poore it is , that scarce the best amongst them can hardly euer attaine to better then a Calueskin sute , or a piece of neck Beefe & Carret-rootes to dinner on a Sunday ; nor scarcely any of them is euer mounted to any Office aboue the degree of a Scauenger , or a Tything man at the most . On the contrary , your Coachmakers trade is the most gainefullest about the Towne , they are apparelled in Sattens and Veluets , are Maister of their Parish , Vestry men , who fare like the Emperours Heliogabalus , or Sardanapalus , seldom without their Mackeroones , Parmisants , Iellyes and Kickshawes , with baked Swannes , Pasties hote , or c●ld red Deere Pyes , which they haue from their Debtors worships in the Countrey : neither are these Coaches onely thus cumbersome by their Rumbling and Rutting , as they are by their standing still , and damming vp the streetes and lanes , as the Blacke Friers , and diuers other places can witnesse , and against Coach-makers dores the streetes are so pesterd and clogg'd with them , that neither Man , Horse , or Cart can passe for them ; in so much as my Lord Maior is highly to be commended for his care in this restraint , sending in February last many of them to the Counter for their carelesnesse herein .

They haue beene the vniuersall decay of almost all the best Ash Trees in the Kingdome , for a young plant can no soouer peepe vp to any perfection , but presently it is felled for the Coach : Nor a young Horse bred of any beauty or goodnesse , but he is ordained from his foaling for the seruice of the Coach ; so that whereas in former ages , both in peace and warres , we might compare with any Nation in the world for the multitude and goodnes of our Horses : wee now thinke of no other imployment for them , then to draw in a Coach , and when they are either lamed by the negligence of the Coachman , or worne out after many yeares with trotting to Playes and Bawdy houses , then are they ( like olde maymed Souldiers ) after their wounds and scarres , preferd to Woodmongers , ( where they are well Billited ) or to Draymen , where they turne Tapsters , and draw Beere by whole Barrels , and Hogsheads at once ; and there they weare out the Remainder of their dayes , till new harneis for others , are made of their olde skins .