Tyros roring Megge Planted against the walles of melancholy. One booke cut into two decads.

Tyros Roring Megge .

Planted against the walles of Melancholy .

One Booke cut into two Decads .

Vno die consenui .

At London Printed by Valentine Simmes . 1598.

¶ To the worshipfull and true Gentleman Maister Iohn Lucas , Eternitie . DEigne ( gentle Sir ) to cast a willing eie Vpon the issue of an idle braine : Once ( though an Eagle ) stoupe vnto a Flie , Then scorn such preis , & soare aloft againe . Great oddes betweene the Mowse and Lion be , And yet the Mowse as much a beast as he . Hope lifts me vp vpon her snowie wings , Chearing my thoughts with fortunate euent : Feare pulles me downe , and whispers out such things , As curb my ioyes , and make me mal-content : Saying , the bird that seemes a Swanne by night , Will prooue a wild-goose set against the light . Naithlesse , prickt on with foolish hardiment , I put into those gratious handes of thine These looser numbers : fitter to be rent , Or swept away , like deft Arachnes twine , Than to be read : yet ( deerest ) list a while Vnto thy Tyros Democriticke stile .

To the curteous Reader . QVocunque aspicio , nihil est nisi Pontus , & aër . I turne round about , and can see nothing but greefe . Coelum vndique , & vndique Pontus . Here , and there , and euerie where , Dowlands Lachrymae .

I wa● altogether terrestriall , or rather melancholicke , o● rather sadnesse it self in the Abstract . A friend of mine perceiu'd it , and told me I was in my winding sheete , vnlesse I droue out one contra●y by another . Resolu'd to be the grater that should chafe the sad humour to crums , I became Sub-sizer , to Democritus , being well content to be no longer mal-content . The light-hearted gardian sent me such Adsums , that on a sudden I began to looke like a Queene-apple , and my wit was so le●ger , that I could no sooner call for a conceit , but incontinent it would answere like a Knaue-tapster , anon , anon . In this veyne I composed these Epigrammes , which I request may be taken in good gree , and read when thou art lazie . Blame me not too bitterly , for mispending a little time : and consider that learned Poets haue , for recreation , wrought vpon worse subiects . I say nothing of Misacmos , who descended from Ela to the Base Keys that open the Priuie doore . Wel : be as good to vs as you may , and farewell .

Thin● while he hath any radicall moysture , T. Tyro .

In Zoilistam . HE makes each mote a mount , and keepes in store A brazen penne to dash at this and that : Yet doth this currish censor see no more , Than the mashapen Owle , or doubtfull Bat. O let the man that carpes without a cause , Be caught himselfe in Momus griping Clawes ,

Recentibus Salem , & Salutem Recentibus Plurimum . & Salutem ABsurd . Let Heraclyte do nought but crie , And put his raw-bond finger in his eie . Laugh ye : let earthie melancholie parte : It 's Aqua fortis to a merrie heart . Can all your Logick prooue that matter good , That fils the mother-veyn with sickly bloud ? Salt not so much your tender bosomes frets , As do the humours thrilling greefe begets . What is the reason why your faces beene So neare a kinne to Wakefield on the greene ? Is 't not , for that you do so seldome smile , Ne with blithe matters winter nights beguile ? Is 't not , because you sit in darkesome nookes , And reade such Vengeable and puling bookes ? Go then , my rimes , with dimples in your cheekes , And chide them that they are so greene as leekes . Be ye as working pilles to purge their paine , And make them cleare complectiond once againe . Say for theyr sakes your maister tooke in hond , ( Being tyed their friend with Adamantin bond ) With sun-shine iest t' expell their ro●ten fogges , And make them dapper like pale-yellow frogges . O ye no Tyrants , but of Tyros crew , Beate not my crouching meeters blacke and blew . O let your Substances be well content For to support this feeble Accident . So shall I pray with voyce articulate , That the drie Barrell may you euer hate . Each day I le perbreake wishes more or lesse , That ye may oft be seniors of your messe . If not : and if my chickens fare not well , Which are but newly crept forth of the shell : By the fiue praedicables I protest , That who writes nought at all , does write the best . Your matriculated cozen and fast friend Winter and Summer . T. Tyro .

Decad 1.

Epig. 1. THe Sunnes proude coursers , hauing rest their fill , Curuetted stately vp the Easterne hill . The flowring fieldes each creature did content , With motly coate , and goodly blandishment . The cheerefull larke sang prick-song in the air● , And yonger sheepe skipt on the face of care . Wel m●ught I walke , for why me thought it sinne , Not to pe●ke forth my head , but keepe it in . Strange thing : scarce had I well a furlong gone , Whenas , mee seemd , I heard a pitteous mone : Ay me , t' was one wrapt in a bead mans gowne , Whose gesture shewd him freshely come to towne . Small labour lost , quoth I , to l●st a while To this poore gowne-mans lamentable stile . He spake : I listen'd ▪ Lucklesse lad , said he , That am inforst this dismall day to see : Shall I that wont to make my bellie cracke , Stay here and loose the flesh from of my backe ? Ra●her then Tyro such a change will brooke , Out at the Ropers window will he looke . I ●nly gree●de to heare him plaine his harmes , When he infolded Dawes-crosse in his armes : And , the warme humor drizling downe his face . Bade it adew and foorthwith trudg'd apace . I like a thiefe that had in ambush line , Did bid him Stand , and go with me and dine . Such dinner was lesse easie to disgest , Then greafie brew is swimming in the brest . He thought , poore soule , no harme : I , like a king , Strait led him to his Tutor in a string : Whe●e the graue Agent did his part so play , That since his Patient neuer ranne away . Had he escapte , he had felt mickle losse . For Tumbling stone nere gathe●s c●eauing mosse . He is a friend , albe he seeme a soe , That serues all nimble-footed fresh-men so .

Epig. 2. LO , he the boy , whose mouth whilom did lug The slauered milke from out his mothers dug : Is now exalt to vndeserued hap , And walkes in Garment milde , and circled Cap. And strouting it along the vnknowne street , With some fantasticke Ramist doth he meet : Who can him greet and welcome him full faire All lowting low : and nodding like a mare That ore her bridle wagges her wanton head , Pincht with the hungrie flies thereon bespread , He thus can say . Welcome to Athens , gentle yonger brother : Thou maist , ere long , be comfort to thy mother , And to thy dad , and to thy grandsire too , It thou attend the wordes I shall thee shew . Be wist , and warie of that prating sect Which striues 'gainst Ramus , lest it thee infect . For tidy Peter like a pritty primmer , May well be learned ere thou go to dinner . Hee 's pithie , deep , succinct , methodicall , A Cornucope , a volume all in all . But Aristotle is a ridling Sphinx , A riuer poysonous to him that drinks . Hee 's blunt , vnpolisht , tedious , harsh , obscure , Fraught with vile stuffe , and sentences impure : The childe is tourn'd , and claps him on the backe , And sweares , that Ramus foes shall go to racke : Making ( forsooth ) a sad and solemne vow , Tha● he will reuerence the golden Bough . When Boyes in age , or wit haue said their fill , Old Organon must be best Logike still .

Epig. 3. WHat though Albertus be a merry man , M●y I not take the floure , and leaue the bran ? Let him be baudie ( as he is indeed ) May I not choose the flower , and scorne the weed ? What though vnseemly secrets he disclose , May I not hide mine eyes , and stop my nose ? Great All-beard , rough with thy luxurious hide , I le be thy scholer whatsoe're betide . I le be Acute , and Graue , and Circumflex In the deepe dealings of the female sex . And yet I will not . What ? shall Tyro be A Prentice to the trade of midwiferie ? Hence bolde bad Albert , pleasing baite of sinne ▪ Bellowes of lust to him that reades therein . I would not for a pecke of Tagus sand , My Tutour had espyed thee in my hand . I rest thy foe , deferring thy damnation , But till I make a Theame or Declamation .

Epig. 4 O grosse ! O monstrous ! fie , Tom Tiro , fie : Giue thy king Edwards shilling for a pie , And then transport it to thy den alone , And chop it vp , and giue thy fellowes none ? What ? spoile a Neats-foote , and a marrow-bon , And neuer call thy next Vcalegon ? Fie that thy greedy-wormed tong is such ; Fie that thy chopping kniues can mince so much . Art thou a Milo , or Philoxenus , That art so sturdie and delicious ? Th' Harpyae would not snatch so greedily , Whose ●alons were of great capacity . How can thy noddle choose but be so dull ▪ When capon-like thy maw is cramd so full ? Right well I wot thou maist haue lighter hart ; If this thou leaue , and learne to size a part .

Epig. 5. WHat is he vnder heauens inammeld vault , That liueth spotlesse , and deuoide of fault ? Where is the soule contain'd in brickle wall That standes so firmely that she cannot fall ? Venus was debonaire , and beauties grace , And yet a mole lay sleeping on her face . Faire are the sphears wherein the Planets bin , And yet colde Saturne claimes a place therein . No meruaile then though Tyro haue some blot , Sith perfect vertue fals to no mans lot . Tyro can strike the sitterns siluer string , And to the lute full many a dittie sing . Tyro can act and if he like the Stage , Hop like a Bull-finch in a Ba●bers cage . Yet when he solde his Aelian at the stall , Had not the villaine almost sham'd vs al ? Would not the drowsie dormouse haue bin hang'd , That slept till ten a clocke and then was Stang'd ? O faults ! no faultes , but trickes of gentle kinde , And Proper adiuncts to a youthfull minde .

Epig. 6 HO: weepe rose-water , spit ta●t viniger : Tyro is waxt a ruffling Caualiere . Mount vp ye mil-stōes : heauens come kisse your centre : Tyro can strike a die starke dead , and enter . Ye toothlesse sheepe , go teare your howling foes : Tyro is ietting in his Bag-pipe hose . Xanthus , good Xanthus , turne thy posting streame : Tyro annoynts his nose with clowted creame , The drunken colour thence away to wipe , Bred with the fumes of the Tabacco pipe . Natures whole workemanship , forsake thy kinde : Tyros round breeches haue a cliffe behinde : And that same perking Longitude before , Which for a pin-case antique plowmen wore , Nor hath he siluer faces in his purse , On this superfluous trumpry to disburse : Nor hath he skill in Magickes damned spell , To raise some golden diuell out of hell . But who the man that treades on licourd shooe , Or could beleeue , or dreame that this was true ? Tyro was wont to leade so staid a life , That sage Sobrietie was thought his wife . The gracelesse gallant with the crisped lockes . Was worse to him than any nine-hold stockes . The painted paper , and the swearing die , Were ghastly Night-crowes to his single eie . The witherd leafe that is in such request He would not ken , but did the name detest . His Slops were spruce , and stucke so neare the skin . That one might hardly part them with a pin . Tyro decayes in good , but thriues in ill : Prowdr as a Beacon on a Forrest hill .

Epig. 7. LOoke how a Horseleech , or back-biting flea , Sticks to the skinne , ne can be got away , Vntill her panch be tympanized so , That she must either burst , or else crie who : So bookish Tyro cleaues vnto his tunne , Vntill his houre-glasse be twelue times runne , And till his Common sence , and Phantasie , And Vnderstanding part yg●utted bee : Two yoke of Oxen and a mare before , Can hardly draw him to his studie dore . I da●e auerre he felt no sweete-breatht aire , Since the Red Bull drew weights at Sturbridge faire . Lo what it is that makes him languish still , Like a crow-troden hen that makes her will . Lo here the proper cause as I suppose , Why wormes digge parsnips in his dunged nose . Faith , Tyro , you and I must plucke a crow , If you go on to spoyle your carcasse so .

Epig. 8. TYro by chance did reade , that Generation Was the sole finall cause of Augmentation . Eftsoo●es he shooke the hand with single life , And set his wit on re●ters for a wife . He tooke his quill , and pend this kindly plaint , Vnto a mincing minion fine , and daint . O thou Eclipticke lyne , wherein the sunne Of my felicitie doth dayly runne : Eye-pleasing obiect , h●nnie-succle sweete . Tyro thy vassall tumbles at thy fee●e : He a Leander , readie for thy sake , To passe an Hellespont of paine and ake . Be thou a Hero standing on the shore With open armes , and claspe him more and more . Thou shalt perceiue , ' so be thy loue be wonne , I am not Snow to melt against the sunne . My bleered eyes shall steepe themselues in teares , Till some milde answer ventilate my feares . Ah , dearest Nimph , some light-foote lackie send With white , and blacke , to giue me life , or end . Roses are in thy lips , O hellish smart , If angrie nettles grow vpon thy heart . Farewell thou prettie Mop , and me remember , Written in haste the twentith of December , About the dinner houre of Eleuen , 1597 Tyro , thy Delphicke sword til Crowes be old , Til Ister be luke-warme , and Ganges cold .

Epig. 9. SHee read and writ , I did my selfe much wrong , To view the weeping accents of thy song . Thy lines the foes that sought my Fort to win , Mine eyes the traytours that haue let them in . Tyro , my all in all : alacke , how can Seely weake virgin chuse but loue a man ? Nor can drie tinder stony fire withstand , Nor straw the ieat , nor I thy faire demaund . But , bonny Boy , the pillar of my ioy , How canst thou shunne thy imminent annoy ? All wert thou Homer , famous Poets pride , And th' Heliconian Ladies by thy side : Yet , sith thou want'st the worlds pale-colour'd Queene , I may not haue my kind affection seene . Adde wealth to wit , for , if thou faile in this , We must not bathe our selues in Salmacis : That I am forst to ring this heauie knell , I can but greeue , and so I shall . Farewell .

Epig. 10. THe lad replide : Were I an Alcumist , Earths yellow excrement s●ould fill thy fist . Base-minded thing , shall asses trapt in gold Haue free accesse , while I the candle hold ? O tree ! O blocke ! O stone , if still I stand , And see my nosegay worne in clownish hand . What Iacke ? Anon sir. Saddle me my nag , New-Market heath affoords a man a bag : My Atalanta will runne on too fast , Vnlesse some Golden Apples I her cast . No , maiden , no , my liuer 's not so hot , As to compell me loue , if you loue not . And yet ( regardlesse of thy selfe and me , ) How darst thou marre so sweete a symphonie ? Say truely , am I a Sardanapale ? Thou knowst thy seeming vertues were my stale . No Night-flie I , to dallie in the flame , Til I be scorcht , and shamefully fall lame . The more thy sinne to shew thy selfe vniust To him , whose kindnes was no kinne to lust . In vaine I champe the bit : no Ouids art , No Nestors tongue can riue thy flintie heart . Then sinke thou , swim thou , liue , or die all 's one , Who would be yokt , when he may liue alone ? Be wed to home-spunne russet coate , or blew , To both , to neither , what care I ? Adew .

Decad 2.

Epig. 1. A Threed-bare prouerbe , Youth must haue a swing , For greener age flies with a wanton wing . It was the sober season of the yeare , When Pisces and Aquarius dominiere , It 's cleaped Lent . Tom Tyros itching legges Aduertisde him to take his leaue of egges , And get him flesh . The rake-hell strain'd his wit , To compasse rost meate for the naked spit . He gat him gone vnto a neighbour towne , To see what pullen stragled vp and downe : He went a thousand paces long and tall , Ere he could spie one bird Domesticall : At last he cast his eye vpon a gander , That from his fellowes new began to wander : He threw , and hat , and made a deadly hole , In the t●ue keeper of the Capitole . An old old Beldame plodded there along , Whose teeth did waggle faster then her tongue : He ranne , she followed with a yelling sound , And tucked vp her dirtie sauegard round . But Tyro floated on the beaten way , Like a swift vessell on the yeelding sea : She faire and softly walkt in pausing moode , And tract the felon by the Ganders blood . The ruddīe sunne forsooke our Hemispheare , When she the wilie f●x approached neere . The new-faln droppes led this olde bloud-hound hie , To an out-chamber , where she did espie &c. The heauie accidents that then befell My merry Muse may not abide to tell . Yet thus much : Tyro stampt , and fret , and swore , Neuer to prey on foolish goose-flesh more .

Epig. 2. TYro the dastard needs would learne to swim . Yet durst he not come nie the riuers brim . He saw the tempting grauell through the cleere , And yet he trembled like the heartles deere . Pleasure a spur , and Danger was a reyne . That prickt him forward , this did him deteyne . But goodly well anon he can deuise To checke himselfe for shamefull cowardize . Crauen , he saies , pluck vp thy fainting heart : Albe thou want renowned Digbies art , Or swift Palaemons matchles facultie , Yet mayest thou wade withouten ieopardie . O minde degenerate , what needst thou feare ? Proud Thamis dashing sourges are not heere . False-harted lad , go cut the cristall waue , Fortune is with them that stout courage haue . He laide him downe , and gan to be so bolde , As feele the water whether hot , or colde : Whether his head went first , the truth to tell , I weene not certainly , but in he fel● . Let not the foote my tender shin-bon punch , Whose dayly burthen gaue so l●ude a lunch . Was neuer liuing eye saw finer tree , His head the roote , his legges the branches bee . But the milde streame was loath to let him die , And set him on his ten toes by and by . He hid his chilling bare , and home he went , And lay bed-ridden till sixe weekes were spent , Since when he wisht the reason might be found , How chance diue-dappers liue so long vndrownd .

Epig. 3. BVt ah , what meant I to forbeare this while . To tell of Tyros Steeple-climing stile ? Had sweete-lipt Tully slaunting Tyro seene , Cratippus had not his sonnes Tutor beene : Had mightie Philip knowne this wittie elfe , Platos great scholler might haue hang'd himselfe . The greater beare , and the still-standing light He can demonstrate in a winter night . And yet ( I blush ) three loaues of horses bread Set bolt-vpright , are leuell with his head . Time was when he that did the credite win . Had store of excrement vpon his chin . Now he that looketh with a visage graue , Is hight a blocke , a stocke , a knaue , a slaue . Time was , ( and then it was the time of ioyes , ) When men were men , and prating lads were boies .

Epig. 4 ALl white , all white : T' was uoisde amidst the streetes , That lechers two stood vp in sinfull sheets . When Tyro knew the tydings to be stale , He vp and told this prettie Poets tale . Iunos lewd Husband sleeping in the night , Be got a diuell that Ag●istis hight . This beastly barne was an Hermaphrodite , And not his fellow-diuelles fauourite . Wherefore the hel-hounds menaced amaine , To prune the worthier member of the twaine . The deede made good the word : without delay They cut it off , and threw it quite away . The needelesse part ( forsooth ) was presently Transmewd into a fruitfull Almon-tree . Heer 's all . If leachers might such haruest reape , Then Almon-butter would be better cheape .

Epig. 5. THe Lap-wing , when her nest is nothing neere , Deludes the boy , and cries , It s here , it s here : So Tyro . Deest fortasse quippiam .

Epig. 6. MErry it was , when Tyro in a throng , Thus praysed Cherilus for skill in song . Well sang the Bird● that neuer sings amisse , The Vocall musicke most delightfull is . When Cherils throate is swild with butterd beare , He Syren-like inchaunts the tune-full eare . Nay furthe● hee●s the Nightingale alone , That sings a Triple , or a three to one . At large or long he will not come behinde , So he may rest , for feare he loose his wind . He can be breefe , ne thinks he it a crime To sing a common song in minym time . Cherils estate has bene at , ha now , ha , Ere since he vsde vt , re , mi fa , sol , la.

Epig. 7. WHen Tyro sawe faire pictur'd in a booke The gilt-hornd hart that swift Alcides tooke , He tolde the standers by , he would not rest , Vntill he caught a Swallow ( in her nest . )

Epig. 8. THe wilfull Papist could not Syllogize , Yet , in his owne conceit , he only wise . A very verbal youth , yet , like a man , He magnified his father Campian . Then Tyro thus . Not Bellarmine the prim-rose of your sect , With all his Sophistrie can me infect . Nor Stapleton , that goodly branch of thyme Whereon the Roman bees delight to clime . Sir boy : know that my gall doth grate for teen , That thy poore shankes with Ringes molested been . Rings with a vengeance , for they cry clinke , clincke , Yet when they come to th' brooke , they wil not drinke . Now by Saint Tan thy tortled rings do shew That olden Poets sober sawes be trew . For why , beneath thy knees cast but an eye , And there our Yron Age thou shalt espie . Blamst thou thy rings ? thou doest them wrong I wis : A Circle the most perfect figure is . If by a right lyne thou doe downward slide , And the Tyburnian Triangle diuide , The Maxime will prooue sound . Wel , sirrah , mend . And saue your selfe from such a doggish end .

Epig. 9. A noble Student had a ha●ke at mew , And Robin Falc'ner for a weeke or two Must needs be absent : so the bird must die . I● Tyro looke not to her carefully . The wagge was loth , yet daring not say no , He saide , good Robin , tell me , ere thou go , What diet she does vse : now welaway , Whether worms , or curdes be best I cannot say . The Faulc'ner smil'd , and askt him if he iested , And giuing Cut the rowell , him requested To giue each meale a pigeon all but bones . And pepper her , and see shee want no stones . He gon , Tom Tyro looked all about , And seeing nought but trees , these wordes burst out . Stones ? pepper ? pigeons ? pigeons ? pepper ? stones ? Faulcones six dishes , and I liue with bones ? Study , bookes , papers , burne you al in one : Who buyes all Tully ? take it : I le be gone . Yet ere I iourni● I le go see the Kyte : Come , come bird , come : pox on you , can you mute ? I now conuaie my selfe incontinent To 'th shamble● for this vermins nourishment . Butcher , and freind : I pray thee let me see A Bull , or Tup , or Oxe-calfe presently , And cut his hangers off : pepper and ●hese The only fare that will a Faulcon please . Wo ▪ ho : fall too : no pigeons can be go● , But I haue bought thee better meate I wot . Eate lesser bittes , for , if your haukeship choke , My gowne and twelue pence for an honest cloke .

Epig. 10 MOunting Elpenor had a simple fall , His braines were onely dasht against a wall And Icarus that hie aspiring slaue , Had but his corps sowst in a water graue . Tyro , a word : lift not thy chinne so hie : T is shame that thy pen-featherd Muse should flie . Were I as dumbe as a Seryphian frogge , My signes should tell what doth my stomacke clogge . Rather than at thy foolerie I le winke , My nose shall be my penne , the droppings inke . Finis . Sunt , ô sunt iurgia tanti ?

To the Reader . MIshapen does mishapen stand , And craues Correction at thy hand . In the Inuectiue 'gainst the Daw That makes a mil-post of a straw , At the fourth line , is to be seene The Beast : and so , God saue the Queene .

Tyronis Epistolae : Siue Mus rampant in agro aureo .

Liber vnus in duas Decades partitus .

Capilli curis semicani .

Londini , Ex Officina Valentini Sims . 1598.

Expectato ad amplissimam dignitatem adolescenti , Iohanni Lucas , Aeternitatem .

REgia ales defessa ( generosissime adolescens ) erecta stat: & caepe augescit , decrescente solis sorore . Ego , tametsi nomine duntaxat faelix , curam expuo . Non sum Vranoscopus vt sine corde viuere possim . En tibi meras nugas , testem huiusce rei locupletem . Maximo te oro opere vt illas dextra manu accipias . Quid nisi vota supersunt ? Deus det quae velis .

T. T.

Moroso Lectori .

HAbes à nobis Epistolas ( vir candidissime , idemque doctissime ) mea quidem sententia , calamistratas satis , atque elegantes . Pol , tu non minima in parte apud me haerebis , si talibus sententijs , apothegmatibusque laetabere . Valeto , mementoque veteris verbi , Legendis authoribus proficis .

Decad 1.

Epistola prima . Patri Salutem .

INtelligo ex tuis literis ( mi genitor ) esse quae ex me solo scitari vis . Nihil autem ardentiùs concupiscis , quàm vt Athaenarum nostrarum mores quasi viuido penicillo depingerem . Difficile quidem est , & arduum quod petis , cùm noudum sex septimanae abierint , ex quibus earum factus sum inquilinus ( absit arrogantiae nota ) inutilis . Et tamen in spem certissimam venio , me aliqua ex part● tibi satisfacturum . Academiam nostram putaui stultus ego oppido vestro similem . Atqui non satis illam noui qualis fuit . Scin crucem in caemiterio ? Illam pagum vestrum : templum , nostram Mu●arum sedem putato . Hactenus de externis : nunc de ijs quae ad ventris victum conducunt . Nec cygnus , quamuis albus sine nigredine : nec Collegium nostrum , quamuis clarum , sine nubecula . Nam , proh deorum fidem ! quenquámne hominem posse sine nutrimento vitam tolerare ? Campana euocat ad prandium : quantum possum , festino : sto , sedeo : singulis momentis in praedam inhio . Oculos conijcio in famis alumnos , Subsizatores , venientes , & abientes . Rogito , eho , tu : Amicis opitulare : atque ille respondet , Alienis abstine . Colligo me quoad possum ; spe sola viuo . Affertur tandem patina . Ecce autem ( tremisco referens ) macilenti aguelli minutissimam morsiunculam . Sp●rans montes Hogmagoggicos , inuenio colles So●hist●co . Extemplo pallesco , dentibus frendo , caput scalpo , mussito . Obseruat sophista quidam , accurrit , & obturbat ineptus disputator : ait Ventrem esse capitis sepulchrum . Scilicet : n●nignorat versipelli● mihi tantùm esse logicam naturalem . Triumphat , salem inspergit in nos recentes fungos : arundineum argumentum iactitut . Tunc ego , homo minimè malus , hoc vnum dico , quòd nihil dico . Confero me ad musaeolum , singultio , lamentor . Senat tertia : itur ad merend●m ; per obstantem turbam erumpitur . Promus panem porrigit miseris modis truncum . Ego impendio ad iram procliuior , statim expono quàm largam possideo conuiciorum supellectilem . Mox , subeun●e animum miserecordia , hominem appello in haec ferè verba . Crudelis seruole , siccine innocentem vulneras ? vbi ( inquam ) excelsa , & humilis crusta ? Frustra Quòd ego te per Deum oro ( mi parens ) vt mittas Per●am ? Illam tuus musculus pulchrè inuadet . Furiosè mehercule in illam inuolabo , cibabo me opiparè , atque oppleb● largiter . Polliceor , mea fide , me contubernales meos non accersiturum : ( nihil enim opus est : vltrò accurrent , & respondebunt non vocati . ) Quòd si Suillae nimia caritas apud vos sit , te vnum hoc rogatum velim m●ximopere , vt magna vis Butyri ad me deferatur . Etenim , me iudice , Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit oua butyro . Sed , vt sensi , extra gyrum nostra diuertit oratio : lora igitur attraho . Quaeso à te , vt tum fratres , tum sorores meo nomine , ac verbis , salutes . Auiam verò praeter caeteras , q●am ego in foci fumoso angulo in scamno sedentem videre videor . Pergratum etiam feceris , si Monoculum meum Tabellarium humanissimè tractaueris . Diu te tueatur is , qui est Totum quod vides , & quod non vides , totum .

Epistola secunda . Eidem .

EVge ô mi pater , vt tuas literas dissuaniabar cupidè . Argenti aduentus multò omnium mihi est gratissimus . Ruere pecunia mea non potest , vt non ipse etiam labefactatus , concidam . Mi pater : à me omnia summa in te officia profectura expecta , neque fallam opinionem tuam . Ingentes ago gratias pro Capone : tutori medius-fidius leuidense munusculum non videbitur . Facilè tamen probatu est , cacaphagum illam esse , & imperfectum animal . Mi pater : non dubium est quin tibi ornamento sim futurus , & mihimet , & natis , Et natis natorum , & qui nascentur ab illis .

Ego logicam scientiam suprà quàm dici potest celeriter arripui . Quae , Ca , vel Hyp , intellextin ? Omnis West X , Omnis Y est W : Ergo omnis Y est X. Quid ? an nondum etiam ne hoc quidem ? Incumbo sanè toto pectore ad laudem , ac gloriam , à summo manè , vsque ad multam noctem . Neque verò ●e fugere volo , me , cum Rhetorem ago , auditorum animos Syrenum suanitate demulcere . Non verborum audacia exulto : non proclamo diducto rictu , atque ore hiulco : ita loquor ipse , vt ambrosia alendus videar . Huc accedit quòd poësis mea tygrides facit consistere . Cuius rei exemplum habe tibi versus hos , quos nuper , diuino spiritu afflatus , in laudem compesui Tittlemanni .

Artem si Logicam disce● , lege Tittlemannum ▪ Ille sophistarum crimina pandere vult . Gnauus si vis tales libros voluere nunc , ●unc Tu pauper pueros ritè docere queas .

Exrostro aquilam . Cùm aetatis huius ornamentum Spenserus morte erit extinctus , Regina nostra vult mittere pro me , forsitan . Si istiusmodi epistolas consolatorias rariùs acceperis , puta id esse causae , quòd sim grauibus negocijs implicatus . Deus tibi semper omnia optata adferat .

Epistola tertia . Matri Salutem .

SI tu ( mea genitrix ) vales , bene e●t : ego quidem aegroto . Ille ego , qui non i●a pridem flos ipse fui , en , nunc contractus , deflorui prorsus , atque emarcui . Grauiter hoc dixit qui multa leuiter , Forma bonum fragile est . Caput meum graue est : nasus tineosus : labra prominentia : manus scabrosae : totum corpus languidum , effotum , & , quasi laterna Punica , pellucidum . Heu , quid agam , ( mea causa procrea●s & conseruans ? ) Vtrùm chyragra , vel podagra , vel spasmo , vel apoplexia laborem , non est facilè statuere . Vrinam nuper reseruabam : ad Galenum nostrum veniebam , consilium expetens . Ille tristis , & difficilis , rogitat , Cur ? quare ? vnde ? quorsum ? num ? nunquid ? Vbi illum audio tonantem voce terribili , censen' vllum verbum me posse proloqui ? Ille instat , ego mutio . E vestigio me extrudit , clamitat , Amolire hinc te ●cyus , aselle , trunce , dedecus tui collegij . Quid iam primum ( mea parens ) exequar ? Atat : non curo ego medicum , quando ille non me : sperno pharmaca , calco catapotia . Sola tuos , quae fi●io hac in re adiutrix esse queas . Est locus in terri● quae Lancastria appellatur : hem ! illîc est morbi caput , ac z●rigo . Nosti Annam , bellatulam illam ? Deos quaeso vt sit superstes . Aut ego falsus sum , aut formae laude Venerem superat ipsam . Nullus sum , nullus sum , nifacias , & efficias quî detur mihi . Virginitatem dilando : caeterùm , De du●bus bonis , maius est eligendum . Vxor iuuentutem alit , senectutem non diminuit , pernoctat nobiscum , ac peregrinatur . Fac me , oro , scientem continuò , quid hac in re faciendum censes . Atque audin' ? Verbum vnum caue patri de amore , ne ad morbum hoc etiam .

Sit tibi cura mei : sit tibi cura tui .

Epistola quarta . Fratri Salutem .

PRaeposterum habeo tabellarium : cùm à me discedit solidum flagitat : cùm redit autem , ne denarium quidem affert : sed non vrgeo . Nomen ego commutaui meum , & Sophista sio ex Recentiore . Pluuia non cadit è coel● ( sicut vicarius vester affirmabat ) guttatim distillat è media aeris regione . Vin describam animam ? Anima est idipsum quod amasia mea : nimirum , Tota in toto me , & tota in qualibet parte mei Etquid me ama● de subtilitate ●stac ? O frater ▪ frater , vin' explicem com●ediam ? Comoedia est multitudi igneorum meteororum , in infima aëris regione apparere solitorum . Alias . Comoedia est cater●a iuuenum magnanimorum , fust●m dextra , facem altera manu tenentiam , quorum vestes colore sunt Thaumantis filiae , quae

Mille tra●it ●arios , aduerso sole , ●olores .

Ne multa , Comoedia est semita quaedam compendiaria ad Pronunciationem partem Rhetoricae artis laudatissimam . Babae ! quis credere p●sset ? Sardanapalus , & H●●logabalus fuerunt homines : ( quorum ill● libidinosus , hic gulosus : ille laborauit ad conseruandam Speciem , hic ad conseruandum Indiuiduum : vtrique fuit magna Vis expulsiua ) O te foelicem ter , & ampliùs , qui germanum habeas subtilem sic , vt vel Dunsum ipsum possit laqueo sophistico irretitum tenere . Non vacat pluribus tecum agere , cui precor omnem foelicitatem .

Epistola quinta . Eidem Salutem .

OZonam torridam ! ô ambos tropicos ô praeclarum Ptolomaeum . Ego lector Mathematicus , ( nam non desunt mihi sedula turba recentes ) orbes coelestes adeò lucidè de lineabo , vt , si non perceperis quid velim , absque omni sensu insanies . Procurre ad horreum : vbi limen praeterieris , ito ad laeuam : albos at●olle oculos : aspicies Araneam vel in centro sedentem , vel orbiculari operi manibus , pedibusque incumbentem . En figuram .

SATVRNE IVPITER MARS SOL VENVS MERCVRIVS LVNA

Potin' tu fidem adhibere ? Quaeuis harum stellarum vagabundarum terrae vincit magnitudinem . Sed , vt omnia medio illo Planeta clariora fiant , animaduersione dignum erit , Omnem Circulum esse infinitum . Ergo si tibi in mentem venerit annulum amicae tuae donare , inscriptionem hanc ( me authore ) addas , Amor meus circularis . Sum quidem Iuuenis labore indefesso . Nam , quem dies videt veniens stertentem , hunc dies videt fugiens legentem . Adoritur nuper me quidam odiosè argutus Sophista , in hunc modum : Pallescis , Tyro , Ergo vel amas , vel studes . Subridens dixi , Amo studium . Bene vale .

Epstola sexta . Amicae salutem . Anna ●oror , soror Anna , quid est quod spernis amantem ?

Deamaui te ( ita me tu ) iamdiu perditè .

Et , si quid facio nunc quoque quaeris , amo .

Tu mea rosa , tu rosmaris : tu mea Venus limpidissima . Parturijt m●ter tua , et nata est corusca flamma , qua ego infoelix Ilium incendor . Sic ego vertor in cineres , te homine interea sospite . O crudelis Anna , nihil Tyronem tuum curas ? Pergin' mulier esse ? Nil miserere moribundi ? Per nitidos illos ocellos tuos , per labella purpurea , per marmoream capitis columnam , per teretes denique digitos obtestor , duram tuam mentem exuas : neu committas vt suspiria mea sensus tuos praetervolent . O Cytharea , tuque , puerque tuus spectatissimum iuuenem spoliastis , vulnerastis , trucidastis . Eheu , vbi sum ? vbi ? vbi ? nescio . Amor ingenium mihi omne ex animo expectorat . Ah Anna mollis , & tamen rigida : calida , & tamen frigida : tu homo Adamantina me hominem Ferreum ad te attraxisti . Ne nega : conuincam enim si inficiabere . Abi in rem malam , Naso , cum istoc tuo versiculo , Vix erit è multis quae neget vna t●bi .

Quam diù ego speraui miser ? & iam nil habeo nisi spem meram . Aedepol nae , nos Narcissi egregijs faciebus , aequè sumus omnes inuisi puellis propter pauculos fuscos , & deformes . Fallor ? an animula mea me Microcosmum vocat ? Incertus animum huc illuc voluo . Annuis ? Semideus sum : si non , Epitaphium hoc sepulchro meo incidi volo .

Quis iacet hîc ? Tyro . Cur ille ? Necatus ab Anna , Anna , cuius amor f●cilè reuocaret ab Orco . Vtcunque mecum erit , bene sit ( mi ignis ) tibi .

Epistola septima . Anna Tyroni .

A Deon' ex mei amore demens es factus , Tyro ? Siccine efflictim togatam togate deperis ? Putâram Palladem esse innubam , & Pierides virgines . Scitè fortunatus ille , Vxor●m nunquam habui . Vir meus es ? nascentur filij : tuque in quaerundo vitam conteres . Interim ( bone vir ) studebis probè . Eia age ( floscule mi ) amor tuus mihi est cordi : cordi ? Audi nun● iam: tecum praesens absens sum . Miperfector , vale .

Epistola octaua . Tyro Annae .

INfronte epistolij tui December es : in calce Aprilis . Leo , vt Martius , ingrederis : placida ouis egrederis . Meritè igitur amor meus alitur , crescit , ac corroboratur . Libuit sic praefari : iam argumenta tua discutio .

Minerua & Musae vtrum Cupido albus , an ater sic nesciunt ,

Ergo

Occidunt se togati qui animos ad amorem appellunt .

Muliebris hercle ratiuncula , cuius ego cerebrum vnae , ●ademque leuicul● distinctione dispergam . Quilibet homo informatur ab Anima rationali , quae quidem vim Sensitiuam in se includit . Respectu illius diuinae facultatis , togati semper sunt inter libros : respectu verò huius , ingenuè fateor coniunctionem illos appetere . Nec iniuria . Nam , ne minutissimum animalculum sine tactu consistere potest . Pergis . Scitè fortunatus ille , Vxorem nunquam habui . O callidam mortalem ! ô ingenium metuendum ! sed respondeo . Habuit vxorem , & non habuit ▪ Anno enim quinto , & sexagesimo , anum decrepitam duxit . Viden' quàm infirmis fundamentis inniteris ? Quamoborem prorsus ab hac haeresi opinionem tuam esse amotam vole . Sunt quae in aurem tuam , die Veneris insusurrabo . Pullastra mea , Vale .

Epistola nona . Ruffioni Salutem .

HEus tu , qui Vulcanum naso inclusum geris : quanti tibi Tobacco stetit ? Equidem pro necessitudine , quam tecum habui à puero , non possum quin cupiam in viam vt redeas . Quid ? An foelicitatem ponis in Euaporatione ? Quasi verò nunquam viderim sonipedem fumum è naribus efflantem . Ignes ex ore ( tanquam Aetna ) ●iacularis : concedo . Generosus igitur : nego , & pernego . Pressiùs agam . Dicito , sodes , quid sibi vult prolixa illa caesaries ? Iuro tibi nos abundare tonsoribus . Quilibet est in habitu . Elige qui te leuet ill● onere ( si onus id est appellandum , quod cum voluptate feras . ) An clam te est Crinitas stellas ferè aliquid mali praedicere ? Nisi verè tuus essem , te tam audactèr non monuissem . Da operam vt ipse valeas animo , si me vis valere .

Epistola decima . Philomacho sanam mentem .

PRoh Manors armi●er ! proh Bellona bellicosa . Mené timid●m , & fugacem vocari ? Sino , atque fero , atque patior . Siquidem , quae regio in terris tuae non plena fortitudinis ? An quisquam Antipodum ignorat quantùm tu Marte feroci , atque acie vales ? Nae tu is es in quem verè accidit Terentianum illud , Denique , metuebant omnes iam me . Stomocharis , prouocas , clamitas , Ad arma , ad arma . Apage sis ( cubitalis Pigmae ) sic Canibus catulos similes . Deterge gladium , qui totus rubet ferrugine : tunc I prae , sequar . Sequar per ꝙ libenter , efficiamque vt Corpus tuum organicum non habeat vitam in potentia : saltem vt liguli soluantur , sanguísque erumpat ● natibus .

Valeto , 〈◊〉 ab unde , valeto .

Decas 2.

Epistola prima . Philoclono iudicium .

A In ' verò , verbero ? Philosophorum Hectorem ( mastigia ) iuuenum carnificem vocas ? Obstupefacis . Alij quidem Platonis discipulum appellant : alij caliginosum : qui duriùs Stagaritam : qui grauissimè , sophistam : carnificem praeter te , nemo . Moderator hoc intelligit : tu tamen viuis : viuis ? imò verò in Scholas venis , putida sophismata effutis , illoto ore garris . Hem , ( inepte puerule , & miselle pupe ) responde huic ratiocinationi . Quod habet crura thymo plena , apis est : Tu habes crura fimo plena , Ergo tu es fucus . Quid negas ? Piscis es ergo , non fucus ? An elinguis etiam Veromanduus ? Tentabo . Comparata sunt quae inter se comparantur : horibilis definitio . Dialectica est ars bene disserendi : Quid opus est bene ? Imò quid hac appendice Eodemque sensu logica dicta est ? Dic amabò , anime mi , mi Philoclone , annon amputanda quae redundant ? Superuacancum esse liquidò probo .

Quod neque ad indagandum , neque disponendum argumentum conducit , illud ( tanquam ciuis inutilis ) è Logica ciuitate est exterminandum . Atqui clausula illa est eiusmodi , Ergo.

Si in ipso libelli vestibulo tam insignia offendo vitia : quid de medio ( in quo consistit virtus ) quid de fine sperare possim ? 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , Lex Iustitiae possum scire vbi tu vitam degis ? Ah nimis verum est illud , Terras Astraea reliquit . I nunc , miselle , Ramum tuum cole , Aristotelis , oculatissimi viri , candidum nomen denigra . Sed plura quàm decreueram . De magistri tui Scholijs propediem coram cunfabulabimur . Vale , atque timida mente circumspice . Nam , si te apprendero , faciam vt cum dentibus linguam excrees .

Epistola secunda . Cuidam olim condiscipulo suo .

Nunciatum mihi est , te non pingue quoddam sonare , sed ita purè loqui , vt Latinè solus videare . Papae ! Nondum quatuor anni sunt , cum is eras , in quem quiduis earum rerum conueniebat quae sunt dicta in plumbeum , & caudicem . Rogatus olim à ludimagistro ( memini enim , semperque meminero ) quomodo Latinè diceres , My father clipt shéepe : respondisti tu , Pater meus tondebat naues . Ille subiratus , quaesiuit quomodo hoc : I haue gathered flowers out of Terence , tu autem sic , Collegi menstrua ex Terentio . Nonne tunc tibi opus fuit sacculo ? Cùm autem asseruisti Candel●brum dictum esse à candela , & labris , quia mulierculae solent vnguere Labra ●andelis , nonne praebuisti bellam materiem ad ridendum ? Attica iam in te est eloquentia , atquein labris lepos habitat : lachrumo gaudio . Perge elegans , & limatus esse : perge rem proprijs , aptisque verbis explicare . Id quod faciliùs assequere , si in Tullia●is eris scriptis studiosè & multùm volutatus . Vale .

Epistola tertia . Eidem .

Rusticulus es : hoc me malè habet . Dum enim togam sumpseris , philosophaster es non philosophus . Idcirco restat vt miserias tuas conmmenteris , obnixeque contendas , vt quàmprimum in Academi●orum numerum cocptari queas . Interim Maronem lectita : sitque Tullius in sinu semper , & complexu tuo .

Accipe quo semper finitur epistola verbo .

Epi●tola quarta . Cognato suo Salutem .

HEu , hoi , ( alter ego ) superasné & vesceris aura ?

Vereor enim vt potes sine me spiritum ducere . Instituenti mihi epistolam benè longam exarare , tutor aurem vellit , iussitque breuitati studere . Pro me pernoctet epistola tecum . Tu velim inprimis cures vt valeas .

Epistola quinta . Eidem .

Enimuero ( mi tu ) nihil nisi amor sum . O Narde , Narde , quid ni te egregiè diligam qui omnia tibi postputaris esse prae meo commodo ? Sum quod eram , eroque quod sum , Dum me mor ipse mei , dum spiritus hos reget artus . Viden' quàm repentè poëta prodeo ? Au , obsecro mitte me : n●lo in soluta oratione quasi tabernaculum vitae meae collocare . Euax ! volo agere rem seriam tecum . An nondum est ex te a● liquis qui appellet patrem ?

Per mihi mirum sanè videt●r te tamdiu esse soliuagum . Atat , homo verecundans ; Nec dulces natos , Veneris nec praemia noris ? Vtinam , Iunone secunda , vxorcula tibi esset : Vtinam ( parce precor ) spes ciuitatis in cunis vagiens . Vide quàm non à vulgari meo stylo abhorream , tametsi acerba plura nemini vnquam oblata esse credo . Quantae quantae angustiae meae sunt , vnum tamen curo hoc quidem , vt me non planè deseram . Quid quod planè diuino me citò inde emersurum ? Quam ego horam si videro , complures hilares sumemus die● . Vale , mea amoenitas , vale , vale , & salue .

Epistola sexta . Lau. Wil. suo .

ITané tandem quaeso est , perfide , vt te mei obliuio caeperit ! Anno enim Platonico sum suauissimis tuis literis frustratus . Vnum hoc scio me meritum esse vt me in germani fratris loco diligeres . Etenim , dum simul viximus , Heliotropium ego , tu Solmeus extitisti . Tecum circumactus sum , & , quocunqute verteris , eôdem flecti cacumen . Nocte autem , hoc est , absente te , tanuam desiderio tui , florem contraho , Rore meo , lachrymisque meis ieiunia pascens .

Si tibi vel minima erit adulationis suspicio , insignem mihi iniuriam offeres . Iusiurandum do , Gnatonicos , me infra omnes homines infimos putare . Siquid est , in quo in operam requiras meam , fac periculum num idem sit Tyro qui semper fuerim . Delatum est ad me , te paenè esse à Musis auersum . Ita me ament superi , vt nihil iam multis diebus accidit , cui aures meas aegriùs dederim . Obsecro ( ocule mi ) nolito prudens , sciensque perire . Satietate in literis nihil periculosius . Accelera , accelera , & ad literariam nostram rempublicam aduola . Si secus apud te statuis , famae tuae malè consulis . Nihil nouarum rerum habeo , nisi quòd crassi quidam , & amusi homunculi , laudem mihi , siqua est , detrahant : nullumque non moueant lapidem quo noceant . Profectò id genus hominum est pessimum , quod ex Musca plusquam Elephantum facit . Sed quid incassum ? Cur Curetes , Coribantes , & sycophantas curem impudentes ? Fac planè vt valeas ( amice singularis , atque optime ) sicque tibi persuadeas , sic sentias , nihil literis tuis mihi f●re acceptius .

Episto●● septima . Eidem .

CVras , ●uibus circumuallor , grauissimas , in sinum tuum ( lux mea ) libenter depono . Capitalis illa pestis Pauperies , me pessundat . Quam quidem confiteor iure obtigisse , quandoquidem nunquam consului in longitudinem . Calcei mei sunt pleni rimarum , hac , atque illac perfluunt . Caligae interiores scatent nitentibus ouis : quàm vereor ne non procul absint eorum Parentes . Quos ego , si sensero esse nimis familiares , vnguibus vtriusque pollicis coniunctis , morti misero . Indusium meum est lacerum , & diuisibile in semper diuisibilia . O me miserum ! ô me afflictum . Pater omnem de me eiecit animum patris . Quodnam ob facinus ? Dicetur . Absumens magnam pecuniam in germanas gerras , literas ad illum dedi mendaciunculis aspersas , quibus incendi eum , nuncque vtor iratissimo .

Pro. Item pro pullis , 5. ss. scripsi ego Pro. Item pro pileis . 5. ss. Pro Item pro artocreis , 6. ss. 8. d. scripsi ego Pro Item pro ocreis , 6. ss. 8. d.

Iamque aut vltrà Sauromatas fugiendum est , aut vitae cursus aliò reuocandus . Salue igitur , Saturne , fons melancholiae : saluete virtutes leniores . Certum est generosi alicuius adolescentuli tutelam in me recipere . Ah , quid dixi facturum me ? O crux , crux , vtinam tu mihi sis sepulchrum potiùs quidem quàm sim instrumentum animatum . Vah , grauedinosi , semihomines , lapides denique sunt , qui sèdem , aperto capite , infrà salinum . Anxius viuo , & dubius moriar ni tu ( spes mea ) sedulò facias ne ego perditus perdar . Non queo reliqua scribere ( sic iaceo in lachrymis , ac sordibus ) ne tu etiam corrumpas oculos . Vale , & me , vt facis , ama .

Epistola octaua . Ken. Hau. Salutem .

QVid putem ? se pultumné te ? An vtilitatem solam amicitiam nostram conglutinasse ? Annon tantum est ab re tua otij tibi , vt syllabam , velliterulā mittas ? Quot lepores in Atho , tot suspitiones in animo meo pascuntur . Euge autem , rem teneo . Curas seminarium reipublicae : sic , dum alis familiam , negligis familiarem . Nec tamen est cur ita suspicer . Nam , si vt olim , in tenebricoso musaeo , tanquam vespertilio , latitas , non credo te Veneris pullum ex Noctua factum . Caeterùm facilè adduci possum vt credam te in amicitia refrigescere , temporisque●onginquitatem affectum tuum extinxisse . O animum varium , commutabilem , multiplicem , flexibilem , deuium : vix , ah , vix possum temperare à conuicio . Sum te quidem breuî aestu irae meae absumpturus , ni eam epistola aliqua blanda , pureque fluenti , sedaueris . Quid ego ? quid agitur ? Studetur , ambulatur . Iuuat aspicere lanigerum gregem , smaragdinum gramen tondentem : pastorem cani officiosissimo imperantem , fuscam vaccam agros altis mugitibus implentem . Neque verò iniucundum est agricolam contemplari colentem , aut stercorantem . Sic , ô sic animum , curis intensum , relaxare soleo . Comoedijs valedixi , nec me applico ad studium Musicum . Sunt qui tragoedias nobis excitare conantur : & , non tutum est agere in scena gestum , spectantibus Roscijs . Paedagogus tu . O virum sedulum , dignumque qui in nostro oppid● situs fuisses . Precor , vt tibi res foeliciter incoepta , foelicissimè succedat . Vae tui● discipulis , qui quotidiè sentiant Ternarium numerum esse perfectissimum . Laurentio nostro plurimam ex me salutem dices . Fac va letudini inseruias .

Epistola nona . Grauissimo cuidam viro . MVnsieur , innocuis orte parentibus : Sunt , sunt , qui nequeunt carmina scribere : Atqui versiculos ecce tibi meos Limatos , nitidos : nonne ego sum arrogans ? Sum certè , fateor : Gloria calcar est . Transcenden sine te non ego noueram : Porro , non speciem , non Genus , Accidens . Non Formam , aut Proprium . Tu deus es meae Fortunae : O vtinam Virgilius forem , Pol , latè pietas sparsa soret tua . At nostra ( heu ) tenera est musula . Iam vale .

Epistola decima . Idem Eidem . EN tibi carmen , insigne offi●ij mei testimonium . Quanquam te iam annum auscultantem ( Marce ) Cratippum , Atque id Athae●is , Philosophum decet esse profundum , Egregium propter nomen doctori● , & vrbis , Quorum haec te exemplis , doctrinis augeat ille : Vt tamen ad nostram non paruam commoditatem , Semp●r coniunxi cum Graecis ipse Latina , Id tibi item statuo ( iunior Tulli ) faciendum . Vale .

Conclusio . SIcque opus exegi : quod si legisse , laboris Non piget , euge , facis pulchra me pr●le parentem . FINIS .

The meane in Spending : Promising Prayse , to the Liberall , Pittie , to the Prodigall , Mischiefe , to the Couetous .

Praestat esse Prometheum quam Epimetheum .

At London Printed by Valentine Simmes . 1598.

The meane in Spending .

NO Delphicke oracle is truer than that Maxime , The hardest thinges been of greatest value . Wherefore Aristotle the great , doth easily win credit to his bookes de Anima , by foretelling the difficultie of the intended subiect . Now , of all things vnder the heauens hollownes , nought is attained with lesse facilitie than vertue : which is so inestimable a gemme , that the dainty sandes of Pactolus , the golden bowels of Guiana , nay , the perfect irrelenting Diamond by comparison will become odious . The reason why she is so deerely bought is perspicuous : for that there are millions of wayes to euill , and poore one to goodnes . So then , it must needs be praisably done , to hit the clout in a fielde , the punch in a butte , the centre in a circumference . If the morall Scholler wil sit in Vertues triumphing chariot , he must be a Phoebus , and make his wilde affections treade the right path : lest if Phaëton like he giue them head , they forthwith carry him to the Lion , and Bull : to the Bow , and Scorpion , to one vgly vice or other . It is much to come acquainted with vertue in generall , but especially with that gentlemanly habit beneficence : whose praises no wight can expresse , though hee runne diuision vppon them halfe a yeare together . The very name of her is Doricall Musicke to a good eare : but ( alas ) not one of many tha●●y shooting short , or ouer doth not lose her . The ●●ying of father Chremes to his selfe-vexing neighbour will sute with the most , Vehemens in vtramque partem , Menedeme , es nimis , Aut largitate nimia , aut parsimonia .

But , lest I be holden a vagabond , I betake me to method . First I describe the bounteous man : then I point out the most direct , and compendious way to his vertue . Some such order I obserue in the extreames .

He is the liberall man that bestowes his precious mettall vppon such persons , and matters as is behoouefull , in such sort , and time as he ought .

That bestowes . ] For it is the property of vertue , rather to giue than receiue . It is also more difficult .

Vppon such persons . ] For euery Synon that hath Or● miserere laborum tantorum in his mouth , doth not taste of his mercy . Hee regardeth not the parasiticall kissinger , & soothing ●able-friend , who seemes to gratifie him with faire demeanure , when indeed he is a Melampus , a Pamphagus , and a deuourer of his substance .

He abhorres the vnsufferable , execrable , and reprobate Iester ; knowing him to be the diuells quaile-pipe , that calles gentils to their bane .

As for the pas●iue wench with the loches qualitie , he may not brooke her : and why ? He is sure shee will go proud , when s●e goes proud : and cause both purse and body to be soone exhaust .

No , no , he considers that Bountie and Iustice are two louing twins , that alwaies walke hande in hande . Hee takes a view of the maners of his relatiue , of his affection , of his laudable partes , rewarding him most freely whom hee findeth most vertuous . Againe , his purse is present where there is most need . He is the Zephirus that breathes on the widow , orphan , and foure-footed criple , and on the true Souldier maimed in defence of our common mother .

Aboue al , he is gracious to the learned sisters ( whom antique Poets most truely feigned to be virgins , so easily are they wronged and misused of this graceles age . )

Concerning expences vppon liueles subiects , he is warie and prouident : prouiding alwaies that he maintaine his credit ; imitating Nature , which abideth neither defect nor superfluitie . He is none of those that build vast kitchins , but cold : spatious ouens , but emptie : gaudie ●himnies , but smokeles . He is none of those that raise proud turrets , and ample chambers , with Peripateticall galleries , till their purses lye speechles , and they become right housekeepers . What doth he then ? Mary he vseth the best method , beginning a ●otioribus natura , with the barne and kilne , and in tract of time erectes a worthy house to the relieuing of needy vifiters .

To take leaue of this pointe : he spends nothing on go●geous aray , the tel-tale of vanitie : nor vpon frolicking , the immediat predecessor to Venerie : but hath his pu●se in a string , and keepes a decorum in his actions .

In such sort and time as he ought . ] For benignitie must be correspondent to the giuers ability . Of all , and of all he lookes to this , that himselfe be not drawe● drie , lest too late , he sigh forth a booke de tristibus pester'd with such like verses , Tempus erat quando poteram placuisse r●gāti , Hei mihi quòd non est .

Wherefore he euer forecasteth , and remembreth that Dor non dicitur .

Furthermore , he pe●fourmeth his action with deliberation , aduisedly , prudently , chearefully , and for the right ende : For Liberalitie consisteth not in the quantitie of the gifte , but in the minde of the Giuer . Finally , hee is neuer Practitioner when hee is inuirond with eies : for that is ostentation , and ranke poyson to this vertue . Go too now , were I a Theophrast , or Marcus Tully , that golden Trump of eloq●ence , yet should I come short in commending the Liberall . O heauenlie mind that esteemes golde as Quick siluer , and Brimstone , scorning to be vaslalliz'd by an Indian Excrement . Who keepes open house , and open purse : regarding others , and yet not neglecting himselfe , vpholding others , and yet himselfe not vnder . Surely so healthfull a plannet , that blesseth his inferiours with his influence , in spight of Enuie and Tyme shall purchase immortalitie . There is a two-fold threed will bring thee out of the Laborinth of vice to Beneficence .

First , thou must indeuour to auoyde that vice , which is most opposite to it .

Them thou must marke to which of the vices thou art most inclined by nature , and frame thy selfe to the contrarie .

Now step I ouer to the Spend-all , who consuming his Patrimonie , killes himselfe with kindnesse : & this yongster is rather to be pittied for his follie , than condemned out of measure for his fault . This vnthrift is onely Pro nunc ( as Iauell saies ) neuer prognosticating , vnles●e ●n this wise .

The first day merrie weather . The second and third vnmasked heauens . The fourth and fift , weather indeed . Full moone on Munday the sixt , limpid ayre . The seuenth , eighth , ninth , and tenth , neuer such trim weather since king Richard ●id naked to Leicester . The eleuenth , and twelfth , dame Earths haire waxes long . The thirteenth , the sunne sheades his beames most radiantly . The foureteenth & fifteenth the may-bird sings plain-song lustily . The sixteenth , and seuenteenth , weather , weather , weather , fine weather , wished weather . And thus , regardlesse of sleete , blacke frosts , tempests , thunderclaps , eclipses , after a while , like the Optatiue Moode , he hath euermore an Aduerbe of wishing ioyned with him . If he meete his mistresse , he hales her to the Iuy-bush , and at first dash cries out , Drawer , fil a quarte of thy most vendible claret . His braine heated , the corruption of one pot is the generation of another . Then coupleth he lippes with his make , and threatens downfall to the chamber . And when his purse is corke-light he thus tryumphs ouer her .

Dicite Iö Peacocks , & Iö bis dicite Peacocks : ( as though he meant Iö the cow mentioned in Ouids Cronicles , and her vigilant keeper , whose hundred eyes were sette in the Peacocks taile : ) Euen so the good muckel-cock , when he hath shewed all the kindnesse to his hen that hee can , crowes and clappes his wings , and is lighter by an ounce at the least . Ne wil he take heede of the Identicall sea , called Item , and Item , till he be vppon the mercilesse rocke , named Summa totalis . Alacke for pittie that the best wittes and kindest natures are most addicted to this good vice . Well , howsoeuer it be blameable , yet in some part it agreeth with Liberalitie , and by Age and Want may soone be brought to mediocritie . Themistocles was such an vngracious wag , and so franke , that his father disinherited him , and his mother dispairing of his amend , made a long letter of her selfe . Yet in processe of time he was not the man : for he left his by-wayes , and grew to singular account with the weale-publike . Fabius was a wilde youth , yet in his best time a man of good stuffe . This so , no doubt but the kind-hearted gentleman may descend to the mean , which shall in short time be effected : if for a time he striue to bee miserable . Not for a Persian mountaine would I amplifie this poynte anye more : for I think each Now an houre , till I be at the indurate Button-capt Euclio . As this churle sauours of nothing but earth , so hath he a down-looke . His neighbours maide cannot fetch fi●e , but he thinks his pelfe is gone with her . His cocke cannot scratch for a corne , but he feares his coyne will be digged vp . Where he is , there he is not , where he is not , there he is , for his mind is amongst his siluer . He is hourely ●aking vp substance , and yet not for himselfe .

So ye , not for your selues , O oxen , beare the yoke .

What more monstrous then that money should beget mony ? yet he neuer quiet , but when his coyne is ingendering . At night his eyes see no sleepe , or if they do , it is momentarie , for at euerie minute he gruntles like a ringle-tailde hog . So that that shoo will fit his foote , which the peerelesse Poet gaue Dido when shee was loue-sicke Nec vnquam , Soluitur in somnos , oculísue , aut pectore noctem Accipit : ingeminant curae .

A Midaicall slaue , that had his trunks full of bagges , and his bagges full of baggage , kept but one boy , who was his cooke and bedfellow . The wretch at midnight by chance fell asleepe , and dreamed that a theefe with twentie sorts of keyes in his hand , was about the lock of his wel beloued container . Affright , he start vp , crying out amaine . Ferte cui fustem , date telum , expellite furem .

And so laide about him , that he made his bedfellow ful fac't . The next day waxed olde , and the sun was giuing light to our vnderlings , when the master and man began●e to yeelde to Morpheus . The boy dreamed and would haue sworne he had beene pined , in somuch that he exclaimde : Ferte cite panem , date cruftum , expellite famem . and supposing one had thrown him a manchet , he light vpon his masters gnomon , dilacerating it most currishly , so that eu●r since he is knowne by his torne nose .

No matter if all vsurers were so vsed . So vsed ? by Stix I sweare , were I a Iudge , they should all and euerie of them be turnde off roundly , to the great indangering of their neck-bones . Certes Auarice is a capitall plague , a swallowing gulfe , a bottomlesse hell , the greatest euill that the diuell can shuffle into a countrey . Where the Spleene is bigge , the bodie is little , where this mischiefe increaseth , vertue is in a consumption , O what a rotten taile of euils doth this leane beast draw after her . Hence is it that the fatherlesse hath not his hunger quailed , while the mouse and weeuell pamper themselues in the garner . Hence is it that the Clients purse is neuer lesse full than when full . Hence it is that the tenth sheafe is scarse the tenth part of the ninth , or at the least , the least in the companie . Hence it is that one and the selfe same dish , shewes it selfe on one and the selfe same table , til it be either gray-headed , or vide Aristotelem de generatione Animalium . Hence it is that the dunce hides his butter-teeth in bacon , while the approoued scholler pickes marrow out of a Spade-bone . Hence it is that the farmer deales with his daughter , as he does with his hecfar in the market , he that will giue most for her , take her . In summe , hence it is that such a number of money-men ride continually to hell in wheele-barrowes . Who lists to reade Demea his repentance in Adelphi , shall see as in a mirrour , the cursed fruits of Illiberalitie . This carle , who a long time had beene ille agresti● , sae nus , tristis , parcus , truculentus , tenax , ( for so he speaketh of himselfe to himself ) on a sodain becomes a Micio . The reason , Mei me sugita●t , meam mortem expectant Lo here the guerdon of too much neerenesse , hate is the misers seruing-man . Money came in by law , not nature , and was inuented for the easie supplie of mens seuerall necessities . O then , would not he be doone to some exquisite death , that keepes it in close prison till one peece infects another ? Crassus thirsting after gold , hadde his scull filde with lead . Aquilius gaping after wealth , had gold powred into his mouth . Pittie but all misers should haue some such Catastrophe .

There is no remedie for this disease , no electuarie , no pill , no potion can purge it : the onely way to helpe it , is to gette some Suppositorie fellow to blowe Pindust into his bumme . And thus , though rudely , haue I plaid the Summister .

FINIS . Nam cur me verberas ?