VVits A.B.C. or A centurie of epigrams

Wits A. B. C.

Liber ad Lectorem . 1. I Hardly did escape the Printers Presse , It did so rudely crush my tendernesse : And now I feare more harme will me befall , If I long lye vpon the Stationers stall . Some-time I shall be nayld vnto a post , And som-time rashly torne , pincht , scratcht , & crost : Reader therefore , in kindnesse let me wooe thee : To free me hence , sixe-pence will not vndoe thee .

O Mores . 2. FOlly hath lately crowned Fashion king , Fashion commands , fashion rules euery thing . In court , in countrey , in cittie , and towne , Old , yong , men , women feare fashions frowne . For aske your Sattin swaggring Caualiere , Wherefore his purse containes scarce one deniere ? Or why he walketh dinnerlesse in Paules , As if he prayed for departed soules ? Hee le say 't is gallants fashion , and that purse And belly both , for fashion fare the worse . Aske him againe why's sute is quite out-wore , Before he hath dischargd the taylors score ? Or why he doth his nose with soote vp-choake ? But none forbid a man to feede himselfe , Doth Phagus well ( I pray you tell me ) then ? Who often vseth swearing for his need , Some times with othes , he doth his belly feede .

In Croesum , 7. CRoesus hath got a pretty tricke of late , To coosen any needy borrowing mate , Two chests he hath , the one stands in his hall , And that the world , the other he his friend doth call , The which is in his closet cramd with gold , But that chest he calles world , noe crosse doth hold , And when that any borrower doth come , Asking to borrow any greater summe , Then well vpon his credite he dare leaue , With this his new found tricke heel him deceaue , I sweare quoth he ( sitting on 's empty chest ) I am not now with so much mony blest , For in this world ( my want this time is such ) I know not how to get you halfe soe much , The man thinkes he meanes plainely , doth depart , Although perhaps but with a heauy heart : If it be one whome he entends to friend , Vpon whose credit he dare so much lend , Then thus : I haue it not , but this I le doe , I le if I can my friend for so much wooe , And vp vnto his gold cramd chest he goes , Which stuft with many golden crownes , oreflowes , His friend is kind , and prest at his command , Take what he will , he will not him withstand , Then downe he comes , and tells what he hath done : How with entreaty he his friend hath wonne . The other thankes him much , and thinkes him kind , That hee hath tooke such paines to please his minde . Nay thanke my friend ( saies he ) for your good speede , For he it is hath helpt you at your neede .

In Cottam . 8. COtta when he hath din'd , sayth Lord be praysd , Yet neuer praiseth God for meate or drinke ; Sith Cotta speaketh , and not practiseth , He speaketh surely , what he doth not thinke .

Tobacco . 9. THings which are common , common men doe vse The better sort doe common things refuse , Yet Countries cloth breech , and Court veluet hose , Puffe both a like , Tobacco through their nose .

In Superbum . 10. RVstique Surperbus fine new clothes hath got , Of taffata , and veluet faire in sight : The shew of which hath so bewicht the sot , That he thinkes Gentleman to be his right . But he 's deceiu'd , for true that is of old , An ape's an ape though hee weare cloth of gold .

Gentility , 11. IN former times were none call'd Gentlemen But those whose higher spirits fame did winne , Either in learning passing other men , Or else whose valiant actes had famous bin : Learning , and Valour , then were knowne to be , The onely fountaines of Gentility , These Eagle like , could gaze against the Sunne , By them conioynd all braue exploits were done . But now the world is chang'd , the Kite is crept Into the Eagles nest ; each baser swaine Hath vndeserued name of credite reapt . For such as haue [ Experience shewes it plaine ] More wealth , then Wit , more vailes , then valour are In gentle bloud now thought to beare a share . But wronge it were vnto true Gentle bloud It should be staind with such a bastard brood .

A Paradoxe . 12. DIues his house hath cost a thousand pound , For he hath built it newly from the ground : T is fairer now then when his father liu'd , T is better built and better far contriu'd : But yet of late I saw a poore man weepe : Saying his father a better house did keepe . Wherefore to me A Paradoxe it seem'd , That what was worse , could yet be better deemd .

In Gallum . 13. GAllus who was so long vnmaried , Hath now at length [ he thinkes ] a mayden wed , She is not old , he hopes shee le beare a child To be his heire : but sure he is beguild : For ground leaues of to beare , which long hath bore , And she hath borne so much , shee le beare no more .

In Lycippum . 14. LYcippus you will yeeld your wife 's a whore , Your selfe a cuckold , but you grante no more , I say then you must a whore-master bee , That you deny , i le proue it openly : Who loues , liues with , likes , and lies with a whore Is a whoremaster , you do this therefore You needes must yeeld , although with much ado , That a right cuckold's a whoremaster too .

A Litle thing . 15. SImon , and Sisse his wife are fallen out , He 's kinde inough , yet she laughes him to scorne , She scolds , and frownes , and calles him asse and lout , Swearing that she will make him weare the horne ▪ And yet the cause as Fame the newes doth bring , Is all about a very little thing .

In Alphonsum . 16. ALponsus lately went to learne the French , For Linguam mulierum well he loued : And where his teacher lay , he found a wench , Though part he lik't , the whole he more approued .

In Quandam . 17. IF Grace steppe out of dores into the street , But towards Church , or with a friend to meete : What is the cause it may be some will aske , Why she still goeth hooded in her maske ; Grace is afraid , although to her disgrace , The winde , or raine will marre her painted face .

In Baldum . 18. ARt mendes nature , Baldus can tell as much , And by experience his skill is such , For had it not beene so , as 't well be fald , He knowes his false hayrd head , had yet beene bald , But when that nature was deficient , Therein , Art presently her succor lent . And therefore head , and beard doe not agree , Cause nature , and art much differing be .

In Gelliam . 19. GEllia hath beene at Cookry , many a day , A Cookes her father , so her maister is : Then she must needs dresse flesh well you wil say , T is probable , but yet you iudge amis . For She so much from all good chookry's turnd , That flesh hath come from her , halfe raw , halfe burnd .

In Quandam . 20. IS she that Marchants wife ? I know that face , And sure haue seene it , in some other place ; Le ts see , did I not meete her on the way ? Or se her at a Sermon , or a play , Or where was it ? ifaith t' would please me well , If I for certeinty the place could tell ; Oh now I haue 't , 〈◊〉〈◊〉 not worth a louse : T was but her picture , at a baudy house .

Misogunes his Inuectiue against women . 21. TH' are called women quasi wo , to men ; The which is prou'd to true , now and then . And diuers men , by getting of a wife , Doue often hazard liuing , lim , and life , For they are faithlesse , cruell , and vnkinde ; Vnconstant , and disloyall , still in minde Thei 'le hate you deadly , when you 'd sweare they loue , When you most trust them , they vnfaithfull proue . Women are proud , immodest , and vnchast , Vice raigneth in them , vertue 's quite defac't , Their faults are many , though they them disguise , All which I le truly thus Epitomise : Syrens in shew , in word , and deed th' are diuells , The onely fountaine of all humaine euills .

Philogunes his answer . 22. BLack mouthed Zoilus , base Misogune , Monster of men , infernall progenie , Whose cancred soule to naught is circumflexe , But wrongfully t' abuse the femall sexe : One tale is good vntill another's heard , When mine is ended , thine will quite be mard . Women are fellow-helpers , mens reliefe , A comfort , and co-partners in their griefe : A man when once he hath obtain'd a wife , Doth after liue a quiet , pleasing life , For they being faithfull , loyall ▪ and most kinde , Doe rid all sorrowes , from a grieued minde . They loue men dearly , constant is their loue , Though you mistrust them , they most faithful proue Women are sober , modest , humble , chaste , Vice they defie , vertue in them is grac'd . Their praise is great , the which in briefe I le tell , [ Let them controule me if I doo 't not well ] In shew th' are Saints , in word and deed most kind The sole perfection of the humaine kinde .

Philologus his moderation . 23. MIsogunes who hateth womans name , Doth what he can that sexe for to defame , And being wrong'd by some , saith constantly , That all women want shame and honesty . In briefe heele falsely sweare , in his mad mood , That neuer any of that sexe prou'd good . But Philogunes on the aduerse part , Being mild in word , and far more milde in heart . And hauing of that sexe some fauors had , Saith neuer any woman was knowne bad . The one doth wrongfully them all despise , The other doth extoll them to the skies : The one most churlishly doth all miscall , The other soothingly commends them all . Thus both do erre , being both in the extreame , For all men erre , who do not keepe the meane . Wherefore let me [ free from affection ] Being not wrong'd by any , yet bound to none : Speake freely what I thinke , and end this strife , Without displeasing widdow , maide or wife . The fairest garden , beares some stinking weede , The fertil'st ground with wheate brings Cockle seed .

But why doe they then vse that Bacchus weede ? Because they meane then Bacchus like to feede .

Good-fellowes . 30. THey that will haunt the Tauernes day by day , And drinke till they cannot a wise word say , Are not accounted drunkards now adayes , But they are calld good-fellowes ( as their praise ) And right th' are call'd , for they good-fellowes be , Good fellowes for a drunken company .

In Bacchum . 31. POt lifting Bacchus to the earth did bend His knee , to drinke a health vnto his friend : And there he did so long in liquor powre , That he lay quite sick drunke vpon the flowre . Iudge , was not there a drunkards kindnes showne ? To drinke his friend a health , and loose his owne .

In Flaccum 32. FLaccus being young , they said he was a gull , Of his simplicity each mouth was full : And pittying him they 'd say the foolish lad , Would be deceiued sure of all he had . His youth is past , now may they turne him loose , For why the gull , is growne to be a goose .

In Bembum . 33. BVshy chind Bembus , in his angry moode , Gainst one [ offending him ] who by him stood , Called him boy , meaning his great disgrace , Why boy ? because he had no haires in 's face , Bembus great beard doth sure his wit empaire , If he thinke manhood , doth consist in haire .

A rich man . 34. HE 's rich that hath great In-comes by the yeare , Then that great bellied man is rich i le sweare : For sure his belly nere so big had bin , Had he not dayly had great commings in .

Paynters . 35. APelles heretofore gan Venus paint , But durst not finish out so great a saint : Painting of Venus then you see was rare That Apelles to do it would not dare . But age hath made her youthfull beauty fade And of Apelles now she would be glad : For , he being dead , what shift [ poore soule ] she makes Not liking others she her maidens takes For Painters , they the art of painting learne , And by that art , they praise of beauty earne : Venus held them so close vnto their trade , That they by vse are perfect painters made . How cunningly they can a wrinkle hidd , A spot , a mole , a scarre , a pockhole wide , And die their cheekes , and lippes , with blushing red , Where neuer any naturally was bred , To paint so common is mongst female kind , That few womens true faces now we find .

In Caluos . 36. COrnutus asked me , how such happe befalld , His brethren of the towne , that most were balld , I told him thus ( being loth to say him nay ) Their cruell hornes , doe feare their hayres away , If it be so ( quoth he ) dissolue this doubt , Why hind part 's hayrd , when fore-part is without ? I said , though leasser feare the greater might , Yet then they are secure , when out of sight , So hayres may be in that place , without feare , Because their hornes , cannot espie them there .

Aenigma , 37. MOngst burden-bearing creatures there is one , That diffreth from the rest , is like to none , They when they take their burdens vp , doe griue , And to throw 't from them earnestly do striue , And being disburdned once , then they reioyce . But this I meane is diffring in it's choyse , It takes , and beares most willingly , being easd , Then , then alas 't is most of all displeas'd . Thou shalt be Oedipus if thou not misse , To tell what kinde of creature this same is .

A winding hound . 38. THat puppie hath some ex'lent vertue sure , Thy Mistresse can with her so well endure : No great vertue Sir , but 't is a winding hound , They say brought lately , from the land new found . My Mistresse loues it still with her to haue , Because it doth oft-time her credite saue . The reason why , if you do seeke to finde , My Mistresse indeed , is troubled with the winde .

In Clotum . 39. NEw maried Clotus to the Fence-schoole goes , Which makes each wonder that the matter knowne That he who did it not ( before ) delight , Should now at length , being maried learne to fight . Some thinke that one hath challengd him the field , And feares his want of skill will make him yield , Or that he doth his skill in fighting mend , That he the better may his wife defend . This may be true , but I dare lay my life , The yongster doth it now to match his wife .

In Morum . 40. MOrus whose fame cried cuckold to his face , Both to his owne and 's wifes no smal disgrace : Heard one reade lately in Philosophy , That what had hornes from teeth aboue was free , Is t true ( quoth he ? ) Philosophy saie so : Then henceforth for a cuckold i le not goe , If cuckold . I had hornes ▪ if hornes ? no teeth That I no cuckold am then each man seeth ? To speake more plainely to each foolish daw , Let them feel haue teeth in my vper iawe : Morus that s wife is honest now will sweare , And of a horne he standeth not in feare : As long as his old rotten teeth doe last , Hee le thinke he 's not with forked order grac't .

Hornes . 41. Husband . WHen thou art whorish I do weare the horne , But why should I for thine owne faults beare skorne ? If thou offend , do thou for it be blam'd , And let not me for thine offence be sham'd .

Wife . IF I haue hornes , I on my head must beare them , Tha' rt my head , & therfore thou shalt weare them :

In Papam . 42. THe Pope of all the world is supreame head , As he him selfe and Papists testifie : He is condemn'd as one with error led , That dares gainesay his sole supremacie , And sure he erres , that 's not of this beleefe , That amongst sinners , hee s supreame , and cheefe .

Monkes and Friers . 43. MOnkes and Friers , are holy Fathers nam'd , Nor may they that doe call them so , be blam'd : For the great number of their bastard breed , Shewes they are wholy Fathers al indeed .

A Puritane . 44. A Certaine fellow of the purest sect , ( Who outwardly did holines respect ) Could not endure a surplice in the Church , But lately he was tooke in such a lurch : That he that could not with a surplice beare , Did now himselfe i' th church a white sheete weare

A Bible-bearer . 45. A Brother of the Bible-bearing trade , Me to his sect did earnestly perswade , Saying t was good from wicked men to abstaine , And follow rather his Sects holy vaine : We holy men ( quoth he ) by th' spirite liue , It guides our deedes , it doth vs councell giue : Iudge 't is not true , if I be not beguilde , Some spirit mou'd him to get's maid with child .

In Papam . 46. THe Papists say the Pope is Peters heyre , Hath Peters power , and sits in Peters chayre , In part t is true , the Papists haue not lied , For he like Peter hath his Christ denied .

Problema . 47. WHat Papists maintaines , Protestant doth defend , Why then do not their controuersies end ?

In Immeritum . 48. Immeritus hath got a benifice , Alasse poore foole , I know t is all but lies , It is impossible , such an asse as he , Should so much in a Patrons fauor be ; No man of wisdome I thinke is so mad , To accept of him whilst schollers may be had . Tush schollers are not esteemd : and he can , Giue money for t , as well as any man . That s not the way for then he is forsworne , And periury by the law cannot bee borne : He swore that he was free from Simony , Either directly , or indirectly . Had I bin by , I would haue beene so bold , To haue said that he a direct lye had told , For whether or no you call it Simony , In it most plainly you mony see . With mony he swore he did not buy it , Yet with money's worth he did come by it , For he hath twenty trickes ( who 'd thinke the daw Had so much wit ) to fallify the law , Hee le giue you forty pounds for a good horse , And that with 's patron for a iade hee le skorce , Or for a iade ( as he vnskillfull were ) Hee le giue his patron twenty times too deare . Or else hee le giue ( rather then want a shift ) Thus much still yearely for a new-yeares gift , Or lay a hundred pounds , in ieopardy With 's patron he shall neuer parson be Of such a place , perhaps then vnsupplied : Both stand to th' bargaine , till the truth be tried , But 's greedy patron straight on him bestowes The liuing , so he doth his money lose . Thus whilst Desert sits closely at his booke , Immeritus takes all with golden hooke , No more i le tell , least that some learne of me , Whilst that I carpe at such base knauery , But such a patron , such an vnletterd asse For fit companions , thorugh the world may passe .

In Indoctum . 49. WHat I haue bought 's mine owne , none wil deny Indoctus then got 's liuing lawfully ; [ Though some say no ] for this I can be bold To say , that it was truely bought and sold.

Fortune fauors fooles . 50. POets say Fortunes blind , and cannot see , And therefore to be borne withall if she Sometime drop gifts , on vndeseruing wight : But sure they are deceaue'd , she hath her sight : Else could it not at all times so fall out , That fooles should haue , when wise men goe without .

Ad Fortunam . 51. VNconstant Fortune , follies fauorite , Worlds turning weather cocke : true mirits spite Goddesse whome none but onely fooles adore , Patronesse , whose aide wisemen nere implore , Fauor those worldlings that doe feare thy lookes , He that is wise will nere come in thy bookes .

In Crispum . 52. AMongst those Fortune fauors some excell , And from their fellow fooles doe beare the bell , Whilst some climbe vp by th' spoakes of Fortunes wheele , Crispus did sodainly her fauour feele , For onely by foode fauoring fortunes might , Before hee 's Gentleman , hee 's made a Knight .

A new art. 53. THe fame were great of golden Alchymy , Wert not it is the Actors beggery : An Art found out by th' gallants of our dayes , Wer 't honest , did deserue far greater praise , Who practise that , thereon their substance spend . Who practise this , thereby their substance mend . That is not strange , cause 't is by learning wrought : But this , by such , scarce er'e of learning thought , For Ciuet gallants bearing Thrasoes lookes , Can extract a a thousands out of Marchants bookes , Is it not wondrous rare , speake as you thinke , To draw wealth out of Paper , Pen , and Inke ?

Ad Lectorem . 54. IF Seigneur Sattin chance on this to looke , And fuming draw his poyniard , stab the booke : If ( finding's art reueald ) he curse , and sweare , What he would to th' author were he there . Intreate him kindly , and his patience craue , Saying thereby he shall more Schollers haue .

In Theologum quendam . 55. VAcuum , and Infinitum are denied , To haue a being in Philosophy , One body cannot see it selfe deuide : To haue at once moe places properly . Although all this be true in generall , Yet our Theulogus will all confute , Not by learning , or witt Sophisticall , But by appearance , though be quite mute : All things consider'd if he come in view , I know you 'le yeeld the subsequents are true . His great , great head a Vacuum doth containe , Of wit I meane , as by his talke appeares , His belly Infinitum , doth retaine , For it vnmeasurable compasse beares . His proper place his multiplicity , Vnto his neighbours very well is knowne , Him to haue many places who 'le deny , That hath so many liuings of his owne . Now I pray iudge whether this man be wise , Being subiect to that Philosophy denies .

In Quosdam . 56. MAny haue two liuings ( two places then ) The which is hated much of learned men . And t is noe marle if schollers doe defie it . Sith that Philosophie doth quite denie it .

In Proteum . 57. PRoteus will now at length a surplice weare , But yet with hood , and cap he will not beare , Some thinke it strange why he would that disgest , Being all indiffrent and not like the rest . But t' was in policie , because he knew , He should weare none had euery man his due .

In quendam . 58. YOu doe him mighty wronge now by this light , But Esquiere , & take the wall of him being knight Content your selfe , I hope noe harme is done , Though he be Knight , hee s but a Yeomans sonne .

In Musicos . 59. TIme is a iewell far exceeds all cost , Yet stayes not long ere sodaynly t is lost , T is time , that brings both learning , wealth , and wit , And euery one wants those that wanteth it . What is there wisht for by the humane kind , That not in time we easily may find ? How happy men were then , if time would bide , How happy men if t' would not from them slide ? Thrise happy they then who can it command , With nod of head , with stampe , with stroake of hand And whilst some moaning their lost time doe weepe Can singinge merily , it with them keepe , So litle they , not keeping time , do feare . That ouer it they prouly dominere . Sometime they make it slow , now faster runne , Now triple that , now as they first begunne , Somtime they 'le haue it breefe , now large , now long . Or what they please and all this for a song .

In Eosdem , ad quendam . 60. MOunseiur Crotchet me thought was very blith , At this , and moving 's lips did shew his teeth , Smiling to heare himselfe and 's art in rime , To be so much admir'd for keeping time , But Crotchet d' yee heare ? though time a iewell is , And though you seld in keeping time doe mis: Yet such you are , that when you keepe time least , Then it is mainfest you keepe time best . When you keepe time ( though strang ) then time you loose , Time slides , when you a time to keepe time choose , Beside marke what vnto your fellow 's fald , How time at length hath made his cockscomble bald .

In Grillum . 61. CArdes , Dice and Bowles , and euery idle game Grillus doth vse and them his pastime name ▪ That he liues wondrous idely that doth show , For time will passe not idely spent , we know .

The Shepeards dog , 62. THe Shepeards dogge should barke , and bay , That he may feare the coming wolfe away , He should be watchfull , and not giuen to sleepe , And swift , quickly to turne the straying sheepe , But if the curre being dumme can no noyse make , Then will the wolfe away the youngling take : If he be growne so fat he cannot go , Then in the sheepe-fold will there be great woe , If he be sluggish , and will doe no good ? Let him be hang'd , let other haue his foode .

In Varum . 63. VArus they say is a ranke Papist knowne , How ere in workes , in words it is not showne . For if you marke his strange protesting vaine , How deepely he protests in matters plaine , And how he doth with pretestations mixe His common speech , still I protest betwixt , You 'le say how ere to others he do seeme , That you him a great Protestant do deeme .

In Leucum . 64. LEucus loues life , yet liueth wickedly , He hateth death , yet wisheth he may die Honestly , and well : so what is naught he loues , And what he would haue good he not approues .

Problema . 65. SIth bed , and sleepe do figure death and graue , And of them both all men such practise haue , And seeing that practise makes each man excell , Tell me why euery man doth not die well ?

In Loquacem . 66. BIg bombast words Loquax did disgorge , As if he were more valiant then Saint George : And swore that he in fight would neuer feare , Knight , or Esquier , or what soeuer he were , But being tried he quickly ranne away , Whereby I found that he the truth did say , I none will feare said he , and true he said , For none of such a cow will be afraid .

In Extremum . 67. EXtremus is extreamly proude of late , And yet for wealth he may be Irus mate , He hath as little wit as heretofore , And in good qualities hee s very poore . What then is it that makes the foolish asse , Without all reason thus in pride to passe ? Why he can sweare well , and hath got good cloths And is proud of 's apparrell and his othes .

In Pisonem . 68. AGe and diseases threaten Piso's life , And yet the aged sier will haue a wife , One foote already 's placed in the graue , And yet he will a female fellow haue , Wherefore I thinke ( a thing but seldome seene ) Although his head be gray , his tayle is greene .

Fast , and Pray , Feast and Play . 69. FAsts , and Feasts exceeding diffring be , And yet in name they allmost doe agree , To Pray , and Play are actions different , And yet in found but little dissident , Adde E excesse to Fast then t is a Feast , Change a a Religion . R. for b b Licentiousnesse . L. so Pray to Play is wrest .

In Glaucum . 70. GLaucus you say doth Hebrew learne , & Greeke , And with greate paines the skill thereof doth seeke , But pray tell Glaucus this that he take heed Least that his learning do his danger breed : For Grecians π , and Hebricians ח Haue many brought to an vntimely death .

In Pansophum . 71. Pansophus is a scholler wondrous rare , Beside his skill in tongues , is past compare : For he can speake some of Italian , Dutch ; English , Spanish , French and Greeke his skil is such ▪ In a word , he speakes some of nine or ten As for example he can say Amen .

In Galbum . 72. I Saw a letter which from Galbus came Wherein he wrote three letters for his name ; I was told also that t is still his vse , Therefore ( me thinkes ) the more his owne abuse : For euery one that haps the same to see , Will thinke him a Homo trium liter●●●● . three letter'd man to be .

Tobacco . 73. T. TImes great consumer , cause of idlenesse O. Old ale-house haunter , friend of dronkenese B. Bewitching weede , vainest wealthes consumer A. Abuse of wit , stinking breaths perfumer , C. Cause of entralles blacknesse , bodies drier , C. Cause of natures slacknesse , quenching her fire , O. Offence to many , bringing good to none , E. Euer be thou hated till thou be quite gone .

In Gracchum . 74. GRacchus his house hath chimnies round about , Yet there 's no smoake at all that doth come out Which made me wonder oft what cause might be , Why from so many I no smoake could see , But now I heare , that he to fauor those , Makes all the smoake in 's house go through his nose .

In Crispam . 75. CRispa brags of the sweetnes of her breath , And that it like a Panthers is she saith , Indeed when I her countenance beholde , I am perswaded she the truth hath told , For likely t is that nature to doe her grace , Gaue her a Panthers breath to her Panthers face .

In Floram. 76. THough Flora sweares she s faire , beleeue her not , For beauty neuer yet fell to her lot , Or if it did ; then sure in her t was sinne , To couer beauty with so foule a skinne .

In Cretam . 77. CReta doth loue her husband wondrous well , It needs no proofe , for euery one can tell , So strong 's her loue that if I not mistake , It doth extend to others for his sake .

Pope Ioane , 78. THe Pope is God the Papists dare not say , Yet that hee s merely man they doe denay , But all of them in this thing doe agree . Him something nether God , nor man to bee , Their reasons for it are but small , or none , Vnlesse they seeke to proue it by Pope Ioane , And so indeed they may bring it to passe , For she ( nor God , nor man ) a woman was .

In Eandem , 79. A Pope may be deceaued I see it now , Their Synodes to may erre I le shew you how , If that Pope Ioane for certayne had foreseene , The time when her deliuerance should haue beene , She would haue shun'd a thinge so far vnmeet , And not haue falne in trauell in the street , Could not their Synodes erre from the truths scope They neuer would haue made a woman Pope .

In Pontum . 80. T Is true that whence a thing at first is bred , With that t is euer after nourished , As Pontus being made Gentleman by wealth , By wealth keepes his Gentility in health . For if you take away his fortunes good , He hath not then one drop of gentle blood .

In Clytum , 81. CLytus to get himselfe the greater fame , Braggeth of what an auncient house he came , Of what good blood : that you may him beleeue The better I this testimony giue : Clytus his blood is surely good indeed , Cause he will cry strayght if ( being hurt ) he bleed : The house so auncient was where he was bred , That it was like to falle on 's fathers head .

In Mopsum , 82. MAnnerly Mopsus fearing to offend , Doth with Sirreuerence his speeches mend , Sir-reuerence if he speake of 's shooes , or hose , Sir-reuerence if he say he blowd his nose , Sir-reuerence if he name his cart , or plough . Sirreuerence if he tell of Pig , or Cow . In briefe almost what ere he meanes to speake , Before it sir-reuerence the way doth breake . Such maners sir-reuerence , Mopsus learnd at schole , That now sir-reuerence Mopsus is a foole .

In Caluum . 83. CAlvus leaue of your oft vncouerie , That you were bald at first time I did see , Keepe on good Calvus , pray be couered , I had rather see your hat then your bald head .

In Sophistam . 84. SOphista sayes he can proue , ay marry can , A stocke , a stone , or tree to be a man ; Black to be white , water to be fire , Earth to be ayre ; or what you will desire : Yea all things you do thinke impossible , He easily can proue them possible . Then pray let 's heare ( with all his fallacies ) If he can proue himselfe or rich , or wise .

In Maritum . 85. MAritus hath skill in Philosophie They say , but I imagine him to be Philosophie it selfe ; my reason 's this , Cause Corpus mobile his subiect is .

In Graium . 86. GRaius , now sayth that his wife , and he After long strife , like quiet sheepe agree : A fit comparison : I thinke the same , For why ? his hornes shew he is like a Ramme .

In Pretum . 87. THE old disease will Pretus sure betide , I see that he the horne-plague must abide , For but a while he hath beene maried , And he already hath a veluet head .

In Biscum . 88. I Pray you sir giue Biscus leaue to speake , The Gander loues to heare himselfe to creake .

In Claium . 89. CLaius while 's father liue'd to schoole was set The knowledge of arithmeticke to get , Which he obtain'd : his father being dead He since hath it in order practised . And first he Numeration began , Which all the parcells of his wealth did scan , Next by Addition in summe he made , The worth of all he in possession had , But before he these two had practisd well . He foolishly vnto Subtraction fell , That he found easier then the other two , And parted from 't with very much adoe , But yet at length from it he got him gone , And past vnto Multiplication , By it he should haue multiplied his store , From which he had subtracted late before , But vnto him so difficult it was , That he by no meanes could bring it to passe , Wherefore he to Diuision went , In practise whereof so much time he spent , That he assayd Reduction in vaine , Being hard to ioyne deuided wealth againe , And foolish t' was to try Progression , Hauing no matter left to worke vpon , Vnlesse he 'd proue Arithmetician right , And name some-thing when nothing is in sight .

In Eundem . 90. CLaius doth knowe all Arithmeticke well , But in Extracting rootes he doth excell , For in his fathers late , well wooded ground , Scarce any rootes of trees can now be found ,

Aenigma . 91. THere is a certaine flower the earth doth beare , Which vpon it the Princes name doth weare , It hath no pleasant sound , no tast , no smell , Yet pleaseth ears , and tong , and nose full well , No curious subiect for the touch , or sight , And yet both hand , and eye it doth delight . It 's operation is exceeding strange , In men , and humane things it causeth change , It makes some maisters , and it makes some slaues , ( According as each man himselfe behaues ) Sometime it causeth peace , and somtime warre , It maketh some men loue , and some men iarre , In breife , t is cause of many contraries , Now what this flower is , doe thou deuise .

In Priscum . 92. WHy doth Priscus still striue to haue the wall ? Because hee s , often dronke and feares to fall .

Ad Cinnam . 93 WHy how now Cinna downe vpon thy knees ? This scarce with thy profession agrees , Thou seldome doest bow downe thy knees to pray , What is it now that makes thee thus obay ? I am about to drinke whole boules of bere , Vnto mine owne sweete mistris health I sweare , Vpon thy knees ? what dost thou surely thinke Thy legs wil hardly beare vp so much drinke . And is thy mistris sweete , a peece so drie , That her good health doth in much liquor lie .

In Cacum ad Lectorem . 94. CAcus will dice , and drab , and steale , and lie , Be dronke , and curse , and sweare most horribly And yet hee 'd haue me I should him commend Vnto his father , brother , vncle , friend ; I do confesse it is a common thing Commendations from friend , to friend to bring But ( Reader ) first I pray thee let me learne If thou thinkst he doth commendations earne ?

Ad Musicos discordantes . 95. NAy fie , Musitians and at discord fall , The wrong to your profession is not small : You say that discord's sound most harsh to ' th' eare , Then why do you now with a discord beare ? You do professe a skill in Musickes ground , Yet do you Musicke wrong by discord's sound ? When you do sing , and play you do agree , And when you say , and do will it not be ? This makes me thinke sith play , & song's but sport That you do but agree in iesting sort .

In quendam , ad Lect. 96. I Pray gentlemen pacifie the man , And mitigate his choller if you can , I feare he will do harme to some one by , If that his choller do abide so hie .

Aenigma In Dondellum ad Gal: Ling. stud . 97. DRowsie Dondellus hath no voice to sing No skill to set proue , pricke , or any thing That may be sayd to singing doth belong , And yet great practise he hath had in song , And thereby he hath profited full well , But how this same may be , let 's heare you tell .

A sensible man , ad Logicos . 98. CIuis commends the cheifest of their towne Saying he to excel the rest in wisedome's known Nay more ( sayes he ) I easily proue it can That he is a very sensible man : Yea each that would his friend for wisdome praise , That he is a sensible man he saies : But is it true ? is nature now growne poore ? Are axiomes false ? is man worse then before ? And do you thinke that it is possible , That being men they be but sensible ? If it be true , what asses are the rest ? When as the wisest is but like a beast .

In Mathum ad Academicos . 99. LOoke not that Mathus will come for 's degree , For I am sure he ne're will maister be , Not that he wanteth will , but as they say His wife doth priuately his grace denay . Vnhappy chance , and least it may be so To you ▪ Be maisters 'fore you thence do go .

Ad librum . 100. IF that Seuerus my Epigrams do see , And frowning say that they be idle rimes , I prethee tell Seuerus this from me , It 's true , for they were made at idle times .

Claudite iam risos Musae , sat turba biberunt . FJNIS .