VVestward for smelts. Or, the vvater-mans fare of mad-merry vvestern wenches whose tongues albeit like bell-clappers, they neuer leaue ringing, yet their tales are svveet, and will much content you. VVriten by Kinde Kit of Kingstone.

WESTWARD FOR SMELTS .

IN that selected time of the yéere , when no man is suffered to be a Mutton-monger , without a speciall priuiledge from those in authoritie : and no man is licensed to inioy a flesh-bit , but those who are so weake , that the very sight contents their appetite : yet euery man desireth flesh that is no whore-master . When Butchers goe to Beare-baytings on Thursdayes , leauing their Wiues and Prentises making pricks , in shops halfe shut vp , like houses infected of the plague : when at the same time Fishmongers are in their height of pride , dashing water in their ill-sented street , like a troope of Porposes at Flushing head . When the Cookes spits are hung vp like Pikes in a Court of gard , and their dripping pans ( like Targets in a country Iustices Hall ) bee mouldie for want of vse . At this time of the yeere the Pudding-house at Brookes-wharfe is watched by the Hollanders Eeles-ships , lest the inhabitants , contrarie to the Law , should spill the bloud of innocents , which would be greatly to the hinderance of these Butter-boxes . In briefe , it is the Kitchin-stuffe wiues vacation , which makes them runne to the hedge for better maintenaunce . Euery one knowes this was Lent-time , a time profitable ( onely ) for those that deale with liquid commodities : for none but Fish must be eaten , which neuer doth digest well ( as some Physicions of this time hold opinion ) except it swimme twice after it comes forth the water : that is , first in Butter , so to be eaten : then in Wine or Beere after it is eaten : Now how chargeable this last liquor is , aske in prisons of prodigals who haue paid well for it : and how profitable to the sellers , aske of those Aldermen that haue had their beginning by it .

In this time of Lent , I being in the Water-mans Garrison of Quéene-hiue ( whereof I am a Souldier ) and hauing no imploiment , I went with an intent to incounter with that most valiant and hardy Champion of Quéene-hiue , The Red Knight is an Ale-house Signe at Queene-hiue , where the Water-men vse to tipple . commonly called by the name of the Red Knight ; one who hath ouerthrowne many , yet neuer was himselfe dismounted , or had the least foyle : yet doth hee deny to grapple with none , but continually standeth ready to oppose himselfe against any that dare be his opposite , against whom he hath alway the better : for if they yeeld to him in the right of his conquest , hee taketh from them a certaine summe of money , according to the time that they haue held out : but if they scorne to yeeld , hee not onely taketh from them their goods , but likewise with his sore blowes he taketh from them their sences , making them often to fall at his Castle gate for dead : voiding at the mouth abundance of filth caused by his strokes .

I had not long held combate with this Knight , but my man came running in , telling mee he had a Fare West-ward . This newes made me giue ouer the combate , but with some small losse , for hee would not lose his ancient priuiledge ; so I giuing him two pence , had frée liberty to passe his gates , where I found my Fare , which were a company of Westerne Fishwiues , who hauing made a good market , with their heads full of Wine , and their purses ful of coine , were desirous to goe homeward . We agreed quickly , and the Boy layd the Cushions : I put them in the Boat , and we lanched into the deepe , Neptune bee our speed , Westward for Smelts . Hauing passed the troublesome places of the Thames ( where the Wherries runne to and fro like Weauers shuttles ) and being at Lambeth , I might perceiue all my Fishwiues begin to nod . I fearing they were in a sound , with my Oare sprinkled a little coole water in their faces , which made them all to awake : which I perceiuing , bid them rowze themselues vp , and to continue their mirth , and kéepe them from melancholy sleepe , and I would straine the best voice I had . They prayed me so to doe : but yet not to clay their eares with an old Fidlers Song , as Riding to Rumford , or , All in a Garden Greene I said , I scorned so to do , for I would giue them a new one , which neither Punke , Fidler , or Ballad-singer had euer polluted with their vnsauourie breath : the subiect was , I told them , of a Seruingman & his Mistris . They liked the subiect well , and intreated me to proceed , promising that each of them would requite my Song with a Tale . I said , I was content , and would thinke well of their requitals . So they being all still , I began in this manner : FAirer then the fairest , Brighter then the rarest , Was the comely creature which I saw . Her lookes they were attractiue , And her body actiue , All beholders sences for to draw . I honour still this comely creature , And euer will doe while I liue : And for her grace and goodly feature , All honours due to her I 'le giue . When I first beheld her O had Cupid will'd her , For to fauour him that lou'd her best ! Ioyes had me possessed , Sorrowes had not pressed , On my grieued heart that takes no rest . I thinke on her with adoration , I musing set vpon her beauty , On her is all my meditation , Yet more to her were but my duty . She her selfe is witty , All her parts are pretty , Nature in her forme hath shewed her skill : Her bright beauty maz'd me , All her parts well pleas'd me : For of pleasant sights I had my fill . Then 'gan her hand for to vncouer Her whitest neck , and roundest pap : Then gan I farder to discouer Most pleasing sights , yet wayl'd my hap . Still I stood obscured , And these sights indured : Yet I to this goddesse durst not speake . Had I made a tryall , Her most sad deniall , My obseruant heart oh it would breake . Therefore will I rest contented , With priuate pleasures that I viewed , And neuer with loue will be tormented , Yet loue I her , for that she shewed .

Hauing thus ended , I asked them how they liked my Song ? They said little to it . At last , Well , quoth a venerable Matron ( or rather a Matron of Venery ) that sate on a Cushion at the vpper end of the Boat , let vs now performe our promises to him in telling euery one her Tale : & since I shall land first , I will begin first : so the Waterman shall be sure of his requitall promised by vs , which shall bee Fishwiues Tales , that are wholesome , though but homely : so sot merrily to Brainford , my masters .

I liked this well , and cause I would heare them all out , I made but slow haste : And 'cause you shall haue some knowledge what rare piece this Fishwife of Brainford was , I will describe her best and outward parts .

This Fishwife stout , That led the rout , At Brainford dwelt . She sometime dealt , With flesh exchange : But now ( though strange ) She gaue it ore , And knew no Whore . She was well set , Her body met , Two yards was found : Her head from ground Was not so hie . She went awry . Her face was great . She stunke of sweat . Let it suffice , She had large eyes : And a low brow , Much like a Sow That sindg'd had bin . Appear'd her chin : For it was hayr'd . Her nose was mar'd For 't had a gap , By great mis-hap : As you shall heare , Then giue good eare . The Fishwifes Tale of Brainford .

IN Windsor , not long agoe , dwelt a Sumpter man , who had to wife a very faire ( but something wanton ) creature ; ouer whom ( not without cause ) he was something iealous , yet had hee neuer any proofe of her inconstancie : but he feared he was , or should be a Cuckold , and therefore preuented it so much as he could by restraining her libertie : but this did but set an edge to her wanton appetite , and was a prouocatiue to her Lust ( for what women are restrained from , they most desire ) for long hee could not hold his watchfull eye ouer her , 'cause his businesse call'd him away , which alway lay farre from home . He being to depart from home , bethought himselfe what he were best to do : put another in trust with his wife he durst not : ( for no greater shame is there to a man , then to be knowne iealous ouer his wife ) himselfe could tarry no longer at home for feare of losing his place , and then his liuing was gone : thus was h●e troubled in minde , not knowing what to doe . Now he repented himselfe that he had vsed his wife so ill , which had giuen her cause to hate him , and procure him a mischiefe : for he saw that he had no other way now to take , but to put his credit into his w●●es hands : therefore the day and night before hee went from home , he vsed her extraordinary kindely , making more on her then the first day they were married . His wife maruelled at this suddaine change , and though she liked this vsage well , yet she thought neuer the better of him in her heart , and in her outward carriage bare her selfe as before : which was euer modestly in his sight . The morning being come that he was to depart from home ( after many swéet kisses , and kinde imbraces giuen by him ) hee said : Swéet honey , I cannot blame thee , that thou takest my vsage heretofore vnkindly : but if thou knewest ( as I meane to shew thee ) what my intent was , thou wilt change that bad thought for a better liking of me . Know then , my loue , that I vsed thee thus strangely , to know how deepe thy loue was settled on me : ( for to vse a friend frowardly , tryes her loue , in forbearance of his iniuries : and in seeking to please him ) which I haue found by proofe immoueable . Oh my more then deare wife , thy loue is fixed sure on me , and not to be remoued by any crosse whatsoeuer . Thus did hee seeke to vnsnare himselfe , but was caught faster : for his wife perceiuing his iealousie , vowed to be reuenged , and giue him good and sufficient cause to thinke himselfe a Cuckold : and with very ioy to see him creepe to her after this manner , she let fall a few teares , which proceeded rather of inward laughter , then any griefe . Hee seeing this , thought they proceeded from pure loue , yet did hee not thorowly trust her , but minded to returne ere she was aware of him . To be short , they broke their fasts together , and louingly parted : His wife beeing glad of this , sent for a woman in the towne , one that was the procurer of her friend , to whom she told all that had hapned betweene her Husband and her selfe : requesting her in all haste to giue her friend notice that her husband was now from home , and that shee would meete him , when and wheresoeuer he pleased . The old woman glad of this , gaue her Louer to vnderstand of this good hap , who soone met her at a place in the towne , where they vsually met , where they plumed the Sumpter-mans Cap : there she gaue the old Woman a key which would open her doore , by which meanes shee might come to the speech of her at any time of the night without knocking : so carefull was she to keepe her selfe cleere and spotlesse in the eyes of her neighbours : who would not haue thought well of her , if they had heard noise at her doore in the night , and her husband from home ; hauing passed the time away in louing complements , they parted , each going their seuerall wayes : not any one of her neighbours mistrusting her , she bare her selfe so cunningly modest . Her husband being on his iourny , following his Sumpter-horse , thought his wife at home working like a good huswife ( when perchance she was following a Stalion she tooke more delight in , then he poore man did in his ) yet put he no more trust in her then he was forced to doe : for hee dispatches his businesse so soone as hee could , and returned three dayes sooner then he promised her . When he came home he knocked at the doore : there might he knocke long inough for his Wife , who was knocking the Vintners pots with her Louer . He hauing no answere , began to curse and ban , bidding a poxe on all Whores : his neighbours began to perswade him , telling him that she went but new forth , & would returne suddenly againe : and iust at that instant came she homeward , not knowing her good man was returned , for she had appointed the old Woman to come and call her that night : Seeing her Husband , you may iudge what a taking this poore Woman was in : back she durst not goe for that would haue but sharpened his rage : and if shee went forward , she was sure of some seuere punishment : yet taking courage , on she went : Her husband entertained her with halfe a doozen gadding Queans , and such like words , & she excused her selfe so well as she could But to be briefe , in a dores they went : then made he the doore fast , and came to her ( who was almost dead with feare that her close play now would be descride ) saying ; Thou Whore , long time haue I doubted this loosenes in thy life , which I now haue plaine proofe of by thy gadding in my absence , and doe thou at this present looke for no other thing at my hands , then reward fit for so vilde a creature as a Whore is . At these words she would haue skreeked out : but he stopped her mouth , pulling withall a rusty Dagger from his side , vowing to scowre it with her bloud , if shee did but offer to open her mouth . She poore creature forced more with feare , then with duty , held her peace , while hee bound her to a post hard by the dore , vowing she should stand there al night , to coole her hote bloud . Hauing done this , about ten of the clock he went to bed , telling her that he meant not to sleepe , but watch her if she durst once open her mouth : but he was better then his word , though hee held it not , for he was no sooner in bed but he foll fast asleepe , being wearied with riding . Long had not he beene so , but the old Woman came & opened the dore with the key that the Sumpter-mans wife had giuen her , and was going to the bed which the Sumpter-man lay vpon , to call his Wife : but as she passed by , the poore woman that was bound to her good behauiour , call'd her by her name ( yet very softly ) saying , Mother Ione , I am héere , mother Ione , pray goe no furder , and speake softly : for my Husband , mother Ione , is a bed . This good old Woman went to her , and finding her bound , asked her the cause : to whom the afflicted Wife related ( with still speech , which is contrary to womens nature ) euery circumstance , for she knew her Husband fast enough for three houres . Is that all , said the old Woman ? then feare not but you shal enioy your friends bed : with that she vnloosed her . The Sumpter-mans wife maruelled what she meant to doe , saying , Mother , what meane you ? this is not the way that I must take to cléere my selfe . Alas , should he wake and finde me gone to morrow he will kill mee in his rage . Content you , said the old Wife , I will bide the brunt of all : and heere will I stand tyed to this post till you returne , which I pray let be so soone as you can . This wanton Wife praised her counsell , and imbraces the same , and leauing the old Woman bound ( as she desired ) in her place , she went to her lusty Louer , who long time had expected her : to whom she related her husbands vnluckie comming home , her ill vsage , and the old Womans kindnesse : for all which he was sorrie , but could not mend , onely hee promised to reward this kinde woman , call'd Mother Ione : so leauing that talke they fell to other .

The Sumpter-man , who could not soundly sleepe , because still he dreamed of Hornes and Cuckolds , wakened not long after his wife was gone : and being wakened , he fell to talking after this manner : Now you queane , is it good gadding ? Is your hote bloud cooled yet with the cold ayre ? Will your insatiable desires be allayed with hunger and cold ? if they be not , thou arrant Whore , I will tye this thus vp , not onely nine dayes , but nineteene times nine dayes , till thou hast lost this hote and damnable pride of thine : I le doo 't , Whore , I will , I sweare I will . This good old Woman hearing him rayle thus frantickly , wished ( with all her heart ) her selfe out of doores , and his Wife in her old place . Shee durst not speake to him , for feare she should be knowne by her speech to bee another , and not his Wife : and hee lay still calling to her , asking if her hote desires were cooled . At length hee hearing her make no answere , thought her to be sullen : and bid her speak to him , or else she should repent it : ( yet durst not the old wife speake . ) He hearing no speech , rose vp , and tooke his knife , swearing hee would marke her for a Whore , and with those words he ranne to her , and cut her ouer the nose : all this the old Woman indured quietly , knowing her words would haue but increased her punishment . To bed went he againe , with such words as hee vsed before , saying , that since her bloud would not coole , he would let it out . Hauing lyen a while , he fell asleepe , leauing old Ione bleeding at nose , where shee stood till three of the clocke in the morning : at which time this honest Lasse ( the Sumpter-mans wife ) came home : when she had quietly opened the doore , she went to the old Woman , asking her how shee had sped ? Marry , quoth she , as I would wish my enemies to speed , ill : I pray vnkinde me , or I shall bleed to death . The good wife was sorry to heare that she had receiued such hurt , but farre gladder that it did not happen vnto her selfe : so vnbinding her , she stood in her place . Homeward went the old Woman , bethinking her selfe all the way how she might excuse that hurt to her Husband : At last she had one ( for excuses are neuer further off women then their apron strings ) which was this : she went home to her husband , who was a Mason , and went euery morning betimes to worke out of the towne : him she calleth , telling him it was time to goe to worke ; the silly man rose , and being ready to goe , he missed a Chisell ( which his wife had hid ) and went vp and downe groping for it in the darke , praying his Wife to helpe him to looke it . She made as she had sought for it , but in stead of that , she gaue him a sharpe knife ( which a Butcher had brought to grinding ) he catching at this suddenly ( as one being in haste ) cut all his fingers , so that with anger he threw the knife to the earth , cursing his Wife that gaue it him . Presently vpon the fall of the knife , she cryed out that shee was hurt . The Mason being amazed , went and lighted a Candle , and returning , he found his wiues nose cut . The silly man ( perswading himselfe that hee had done it with hurling the knife ) intreated her for to forgiue him , for he protested that hee thought her no hurt when hee did it : then fetched he a Surgeon who cunningly stitched it vp , that it was whole in a short time . The Sumpter-man all this while did little thinke how he was beguiled : who when he was awaked , lighted a Candle to sée what hurt he had done his Wife in his rage : he comming neere her , and seeing her face whole , stood in amaze , not knowing what to thinke on it , for he was sure that he had cut her nose . His Wife séeing him stand in this maner , asked him what he did ayle , & why he gazed so on her as though he knew her not ? Pardon mee , Wife , quoth he , for this night hath a miracle beene wrought : I doe see plainely that the heauens will not suffer the Innocent to suffer harme . Then fetched hee his knife which was all bloudy , saying , Deare Wife , with this knife did I giue thee this present night , a wound on the face , the which most miraculously is whole : which is a signe thou art free , and spotlesse , and so will I euer hold thee . His Wife said little ( for feare of laughing ) onely shee said , she knew heauen would defend the Innocent : so they went to bed louingly together , he vowing neuer to thinke amisse on her . So had she more libertie then before , & the old had gold for her wound , which wound was so well cured ( I thanke God ) that you can scarce see it on my nose . Hereat they all laughed , saying , she had told a good Tale for her selfe : at which she bit her lip , to thinke how she was so very a foole to betray her selfe . But knowing that excuses would but make her more suspected , she held her tongue , giuing the next leaue to speake .

The next that sate to her was a Fishwife of Standon the Gréene , who said her Tale was pleasant , but scarce honest : shee taxed women with too much immodestie : to salue which , she would tell the aduentures of a poore Gentlewoman , that was vsed vnkindly by her Husband . They all liked this well , and intreated her to proceede : which she willingly consented vnto .

The description of the Fishwife of Standon the Greene . This wife was leane , Shee went full cleane . Her breath not strong , Her body long . She looked pale , Yet lou'd good Ale . Her teeth were rot , Her tongue was not . Well could she chat Of this and that . Her lips were white , And sharpe her sight . Her cheekes were thin , So was her chin , And something hook'd , Her nose was crook'd : They would haue kist , But that they wist , Her mouth was let , That twixt was set . Twice thirtie yeeres , Sha 'd past with cares , And honest life , And still was Wife . This Wife was wise , But not precise : Thus gan she tell : Pray marke it well . Her Tale .

IN the troublesome raigne of King Henry the sixt , there dwelt in Waltam ( not farre from London ) a Gentleman , which had to Wife a creature most beautifull : so that in her time there were few found that matched her , ( none at all that excelled her ) so excellent were the gifts that nature had bestowed on her . In body was she not onely so rare , and vnparaleld , but also in her gifts of minde : so that in this creature it seemed , that Grace and Nature stroue who should excell each other in their gifts toward her . The Gentleman her Husband thought himselfe so happy in his choise , that he beleeued , in choosing her , he had tooke hold of that blessing which heauen proffereth euery man once in his life . Long did not this opinion hold for currant ; for in his height of loue , he began so to hate her , that he sought her death : the cause I will tell you . Hauing businesse one day to London , he tooke his leaue very kindly of his Wife , and accompanied with one man , he rode to London : being toward night , he tooke vp his Inne , and to be briefe , he went to supper amongst other Gentlemen . Amongst other talke at table , one tooke occasion to speake of women , and what excellent creatures they were , so long as they continued loyall to man . To whom answered one , saying : This is truth , Sir : so is the Diuell good so long as he doth no harme , which is meaner : his goodnes and womens loyaltie will come both in one yeere , but it is so farre off , that none in this age shall liue to see it .

This Gentleman louing his Wife dearely ( and knowing her to be free from this vnciuill Gentlemans generall taxation of women ) in her behalfe , said : Sir , you are too bitter against the sexe of women , and doe ill ( for some ones sake that hath proued false to you ) to taxe the generalitie of women-kinde with lightnesse : and but I would not be counted vnciuill amongst these Gentlemen , I would giue you the reply that approued vntruth deserueth , you know my meaning , Sir : construe my words as you please : excuse me , Gentlemen , if I be vnciuill : I answere in the behalfe of one , who is as free from disloyaltie , as is the Sunne from darknes , or the fire from cold . Pray , Sir , said the other , since wee are opposite in opinions , let vs rather talke like Lawyers , that wee may bee quickly friends againe , then like Souldiers which end their words with blowes . Perhaps this woman that you answere for , is chaste , but yet against her will : for many women are honest , 'cause they haue not the meanes , and opportunitie to bee dis-honest ( so is a Thiefe true in prison , 'cause he hath nothing to steale : ) had I but opportunitie , and knew this same Saint you so adore , I would pawne my life and whole estate , in a short while to bring you some manifest token of her disloyaltie . Sir , you are yong in the knowledge of womens slights , your want of experience makes you too credulous : therefore be not abused . This speech of his made the Gentleman more out of patience then before , so that with much adoe he held himselfe from offering violence : but his anger beeing a little ouer , hee said , Sir , I doe verily beleeue , that this vaine speech of yours proceedeth rather from a loose and ill manner'd minde , then of any experience you haue had of womens loosenes : and since you thinke your selfe so cunning in that ( diuellish art ) of corrupting womens chastitie , I will lay downe heere a hundred pounds , against which you shall lay fifty pounds , and before these Gentlemen I promise you , if that within a moneths space you bring me any token of this Gentlewomans disloyaltie ( for whose sake I haue spoken in the behalfe of all women ) I doe freely giue you leaue to inioy the same : conditionally you not performing it , I may enioy your money . If that it be a match , speake , and I will acquaint you where she dwelleth : and besides , I bow , as I am a Gentleman , not to giue her notice of any such intent that is toward her . Sir , quoth the man , your proffer is faire , and I accept the same : so the mony was deliuered into the Oast of the house his hands , and the sitters by were witnesses : so drinking together like friends , they went euery man to his chamber . The next day this man hauing knowledge of the place , rid thither , leauing the Gentleman at the Inne , who being assured of his wiues chastitie , made no of her account but to winne the wager , but it fell out otherwise : for the other vowed either by force , policie , or free will to get some Iewell or other toy from her , which was enough to perswade the Gentleman that he was a Cuckold , and win the wager he had laid . This Villaine ( for hee deserued no better stile ) lay at Waltam a whole day , before he came to the sight of her : at last he espyed her in the fields , to whom he went and kissed her ( a thing no modest woman can deny : ) after his salutation , he said , Gentlewoman , I pray pardon me if I haue beene too hold , I was intreated by your Husband which is at London ( I riding this way ) to come and fée you , by me he hath sent his commends to you , with a kinde intreat that you would not be discontented for his long absence , it being serious businesse that keepes him from your sight . The Gentlewoman very modestly bade him welcome , thanking him for his kindnes , withall telling him that her Husband might command her patience so long as he pleased . Then intreated shee him to walke homeward , where shee gaue him such entertainment as was fit for a Gentleman , and her husbands friend . In the time of his abiding at her house , he oft would haue singled her in priuate talke , but she perceiuing the same , ( knowing it to bee a thing not fitting a modest woman ) would neuer come in his sight but at meales , and then were there so many at boord , that it was no time for to talke of lone matters : therefore hee saw hee must accomplish his desire some other way : which he did in this maner : He hauing layne two nights at her house , and perceiuing her to bee free from lustfull desires , the third night he fained himselfe to be something ill , and so went to bed timelier then he was wont . When he was alone in his chamber , he began to think with himselfe that it was now time to do that which he determined ; for if he tarried any longer , they might haue cause to think that he came for some ill intent , and waited opportunity to execute the same therefore he resolued to doe something that night , that might winne him the wager , or vtterly bring him in despaire of the same . With this resolution he went to her chamber , which was but a paire of staires from his , and finding the doore open , her went in , placing himself vnder the bed : Long had he not lyne there , but in came the Gentlewoman with her maiden ; who hauing béen at prayers with her houshold , was going to bed . She preparing her selfe to bedward , laid her Head-tyre & those Iewels she wore , on a little table there by : at length hee perceiued her to put off a littel Crucifix of gold , which dayly she wore next to her heart : this Iewell he thought fittest for h●● t●●ne , and therefore obserued where she did lay the same : At length the Gentlewoman hauing vntyred her selfe , went to bed : her Maid then bolting of the doore , tooke the Candle , and went to bed in a withdrawing roome onely separated with Arras . This Villaine lay still vnder the bed , listning if hee could heare that the Gentlewoman slept : at length he might heare her draw her breath long : then thought hee all sure , and like a cunning villains rose without noise , going straight to the Table , where finding of the Crucifix , he lightly went to the doore , which he cunningly vnbolted ; all this performed he with so little noise , that neither the Mistris nor the Maid heard him . Hauing gotten into his Chamber , he wished for day , that he might carry this Iewell to her husband as signe of his wiues disloyaltie : but seeing his wishes but in vaine , he laid him downe to sleepe : happy had shee beene had his bed proued his graue . In the morning so soone as the folkes were stirring , he rose and went to the Horse-keeper , praying him to helpe him to his Horse , telling him that hee had tooke his leaue of his Mistris the last night . Mounting his horse , away rid he to London , leauing the Gentlewoman in bed : who when she rose , attiring her selfe hastity ( 'cause one tarried to speake with her ) missed not her Crucifix : so passed she the time away , as shee was wont other dayes to doe , no whit troubled in minde , though much sorrow was toward her : onely shee seemed a little discontented that her ghest went away so vnmannerly , she vsing him so kindely . So leauing her , I will speake of him , who the next morning was betimes at London ; and comming to the Inne , hee asked for the Gentleman , who then was in bed , but he quickly rose and came downe to him , who seeing him return'd so suddenly , he thought hee came to haue leaue to release himselfe of his wager : but this chanced otherwise : for hauing saluted him , he said in this manner : Sir , did not I tell you that you were too yong in experience of womans subtilties , and that no woman was longer good then she had cause , or time to doe ill ? this you beleeued not , and thought it a thing so vnlikely , that you haue giuen me a hundred pounds for the knowledge of it . In briefe , know , your Wife is a woman , and therefore a wanton , a changeling : to confirme that I speake , sée heere ( shewing him the Crucifix : ) know you this ? if this be not sufficient proofe , I wil fetch you more .

At the sight of this , his bloud left his face , running to comfort his faint heart , which was ready to breake at the sight of this Crucifix , which he knew she alwayes wore next her heart , and therefore he must ( as he thought ) goe something neere , which stole so priuate a Iewell . But remembring himselfe , he cheeres his spirits , seeing that was sufficient proofe , and he had wonne the wager , which hee commanded should be giuen to him . Thus was the poore Gentleman abused , who went into his Chamber , and beeing weary of this world ( seeing where he had put onely his trust , he was deceiues ) he was minded to fall vpon his sword , and so end all his miseries at once : but his better Genius perswaded him contrary , and not so ( by laying violent hand on himselfe ) to leape into the Diuels mouth . Thus being in many mindes , but resoluing no one thing , at last he concluded to punish her with death , which had deceiued his trust , and himselfe vtterly to forsake his house and lands , and follow the fortunes of King Henry . To this intent he called his man , to whom he said ; George , thou knowest I haue euer held thee deare , making more account of thee , then thy other fellowes , and thou hast often told me that thou diddest owe thy life to me , which at any time thou wouldest bee ready to render vp to doe me good . True Sir , ( answered his man ) I said no more thne , then I will now at any time , whensoeuer you please , performe . I beleeue thée , George ( replyed he : ) but there is no such need : I onely would haue thee doe a thing for me , in which is no great danger , yet the profit which thou shalt haue thereby shall amount to my wealth : for the loue that thou bearest to me , and for thy own good wilt thou do this ? Sir ( answered George ) more for your loue , then any reward , I will doe it , ( and yet money makes many men valiant ) pray tell mee what it is ? George ( said his Master ) this it is , thou must goe home , praying thy Mistris to meete me halfe the way to London : but hauing her by the way , in some priuate place kill her : I meane as I speake , kill her , I say , this is my command , which thou hast promised to performe : which if thou performest not , I vow to kill thee the next time thou commest in my sight . Now for thy reward it shall be this , Take my Ring , and when thou hast done my command : by vertue of it , doe thou assume my place till my returne , at which time thou shalt know what my reward is , till then gouern my whole estate : and for thy Mistris absence , & my own , make what excuse thou please : so be gone . Well Sir ( said George ) since it is your will , though vnwilling I am to doe it , yet I will performe it . So went he his way toward Waltam : and his Master presently rid to the Court , where hee abode with King Henry , who a little before was inlarged by the Earle of Warwicke , and placed in the Throne againe .

George beeing come to Waltam , did his dutie to his Mistris , who wondred to see him , and not her husband , for whom she demanded of George : he answered her , that hee was at Enfield , and did request her to meet him there . To which shee willingly agreed , and presently rode with him toward Enfield . At length they being come into a by way , George began to speake to her in this manner , Mistris , I pray you tel me what that Wife deserues , who through some lewd behauiour of hers , hath made her Husband to neglect his estate , and meanes of life , seeking by all meanes to dye , that he might be free from the shame , which her wickednesse hath purchased him ? Why George ( quoth shee ) hast thou met with some such creature ? Be it whomsoeuer , might I be her Iudge , I thinke her worthy of death : How thinkest thou ? Faith , Mistris ( said he ) I thinke so too , and am so fully perswaded that her offence deserueth that punishment , that I purpose to bee executioner to such a one my selfe . Mistris , you are this woman , you haue so offended my Master ( you know best how your selfe ) that he hath left his house , vowing neuer to see the same till you be dead , and I am the man appointed by him to kill you ; therefore those words which you meane to vtter , speake them presently , for I cannot stay . Poore Gentlewoman , at the report of these vnkinde words ( ill deserued at her hands ) she looked as one dead , and vttering aboundance of teares , she at last spake these words : And can it be , that my kindnes and louing obedience , hath merited no other reward at his hands then death ? It cannot be . I know thou onely tryest me , how patiently I would endure such an vniust command . I 'le tell thée héere , thus with body prostrate on the earth , and hands lift vp to heauen , I would pray for his preseruation , those should be my worst words : for deaths fearfull visage shewes pleasant to that soule that is innocent . Why then prepare your selfe ( said George : ) for by heauen I doe not rest . With that shee prayed him stay , saying , And is if so ; then what should I desire to liue , hauing lost his fauour ( and without offence ) whom I se dearely loued , and in whose sight my happinesse did consist ? come , let me die . Yet , George , let mee haue so much fauour at thy hands , as to commend me in these few words to him : Tell him , my death I willingly imbrace , for I haue owed him my life ( yet no otherwise but by a wiues obedience ) euer since I call'd him Husband : but that I am guilty of the least fault toward him , I vtterly deny : and doe ( at this houre of my death ) desire that heauen would powre down vengeance vpon me , if euer I offended him in thought . Intreat him that he would not speake ought that were ill on mee , when I am dead , for in good troth I haue deserued none . Pray heauen blesse him , I am prepared now strike prethée home , and kill me and my griefes at once .

George séeing this , could not withhold himselfe from shedding teares , and with pitie he let fall his sword , saying : Mistris , that I haue vsed you so roughly , pray pardon me , for I was commanded to by my Master , who hath vowed , if I let you liue , to kill me : But I being perswaded , that you are innocent , I will rather vndergoe the danger of his wrath , then to staine my hands with the bloud of your cléere and spotlesse brest : Yet let mee intreat you ( so much ) that you would not come in his sight ( lest in his rage he turne your butcher ) but liue in some disguise till time haue opened the cause of his mistrust , and shewed you guiltlesse , which ( I hope ) will not belong .

To this she willingly granted ( being loth to die causelesse ) and thanked him for his kindnes ; so parted they both , hauing teares in their eyes . George want home , where he shewed his Masters King for the gouernment of the house , till his Master and Mistris returne , which he said liued a while at London , 'cause the time was so troublesome , and that was a place where they were more secure then in the Countrey . This his fellowes beléeued , and were obedient to his will , amongst whom hee vsed himselfe so kindely , that he had all their loues . This poore Gentlewoman ( Mistris of the house ) in short time got mans apparell for her disguise ; so wandred she vp and downe the countrey , for she could get no seruice , because the time was so dangerous , that no man knew whom hee might trust ; onely she maintained her selfe with the price of those Iewels which she had , all which she sold . At the last , being quite out of money , and hauing nothing left ( which she could well spare ) to make money of , she resolued rather to starue , then so much to debate her selfe to become a begger : with this resolution she went to a solitary place beside Yorke , where shée liued the space of two dayes on Hearbs , and such things as she could there finde . In this time it chanced that King Edward ( béeing come out of France , and lying thereabout with the small forces hée had ) came that way with some two or thrée Noble men , with an intent to discouer , if any ambushes were laid to take him at an aduantage . He séeing there this Gentlewoman , whom he supposed to be a Boy , asked her what she was , & what she made there in that priuat place ? To whom shée very wisely and modestly withall answered , that she was a poore Boy , whose bringing vp had bin better then her outward parts then shewed , but at that time she was both friendlesse , & comfortlesse , by reason of the late warre . He being moued , to sée one so well featur'd ( as she was ) to want , entertained her for one of his Pages , to whom she shewed her selfe so dutifull , and louing , that ( in short time ) shee had his loue aboue all her fellows . Still followed she the fortunes of K. Edward , hoping at last ( as not long after it did fall out ) to be reconciled to her husband . After the battell at Barnet ( where K. Edward got the best ) she going vp & down amongst the slaine men ( to know whether her husband , which was on K. Henries side , were dead or escaped ) happened to sée the other who had béen her ghest , lying there for dead : she remembring him , and thinking him to be one whom her husband loued , went to him , & finding him not dead , she caused one to helpe her with him to a house there-by : where opening of his brest , to dresse his wounds , she espied her Crucifix ; at sight of which her heart was ioyfull ( hoping by this , to find him that was the originall of her disgrace ) for she remembring her selfe , found that she had lost that Crufix , euer since that morning he departed from her house so suddenly : But saying nothing of it at that time , she caused him to be carefully looked vnto , and brought vp to London after her , whither she want with the King , carrying the Crucifix with her . On a time when hée was a little recouered , shee went to him , giuing him the Crucifix , which shee had taken from about his necke : to whom hee said , Good gentle Youth , kéep the same : for now in my misery of sicknes , when the sight of that picture should be most comfortable , it is to me most vncomfortable , and bréedeth such horrour in my conscience ( when I think how wrongfully I got the same ) that so long as I sée it , I shall neuer be in rest . Now knew she that he was the man that caused the separation twixt her husband , and her selfe ; yet said shée nothing , vsing him as respectiuely as she had before : only she caused the man , in whose house he lay , to remember the words he had spoken concerning the Crucifix . Not long after , she being alone , attending on the King , beséeched his Grace to doe her iustice on a villain that had bin the cause of all the misery she had suffered . He louing her ( aboue all his other Pages ) most dearely , said ; Edmund ( for so had she named her selfe ) thou shalt haue what right thou wilt on thy enemy ; cause him to be sent for , & I will be thy Iudge my selfe . She being glad of this ( with the Kings authority ) sent for her husband , whom she heard was one of the prisoners that was taken at the battell of Barnet , she appointing the other , now recouered , to be at the Court the same time . They being both come ( but not one séeing of the other ) the King sent for the wounded man into the Presence : before whom the Page asked him , how he came by the Crucifix ? He fearing that his Villany would come forth , denyed the words hée had said before his Oast , affirming he bought it . With that she called in the Oast of the house where he lay , bidding him boldly speake what he had heard this man say , concerning the Crucifix . The Oast then told the King , that in the presence of this Page , he heard him intreat , that the Crucifix might be taken from his sight , for it did wound his conscience , to thinke how wrongfully he had gotten the same . These words did the Page auerre : yet he vtterly denyed the same , affirming that he bought it , and if that he did speake such words in his sicknesse , they proceeded from the lightnesse of his braine , and were vntruthes .

She seeing this Villains impudency , sent for her Husband in , to whom she shewed the Crucifix , saying , Sir , doe you know , doe you know this ? Yes , answered hee : but would God I ne're had knowne the owner of it ? It was my Wiues , a woman vertuous , till this Diuell ( speaking to the other ) did corrupt her purity , who brought me this Crucifix as a token of her inconstancie .

With that , the King said , Sirra , now are you found to be a knaue : did you not euen now affirme you bought it ? To whom he answered ( with fearefull countenance ) And it like your Grace , I said so , to preserue this Gentlemans honour , and his Wiues , which by my telling of the truth would haue beene much indamag'd : for indéed she being a secret friend of mine , gaue me this , as a testimony of her loue .

The Gentlewoman , not being able longer to couer her selfe in that disguise , said , And it like your Maiesty , giue mee leaue to speake , and you shall seeme make this Villaine confesse , how hee hath abused that good Gentleman . The King hauing giuen her leaue , she said , First , Sir , you confessed before your Oast , and my selfe , that you had wrongfully got this Iewell : then before his Maiestie , you affirmed you bought it : so denying your former words : Now you haue denyed , that which you so boldly affirmed before , and haue said it was this Gentlemans wiues gift . ( With his Maiesties leaue ) I say thou art a Villaine , and this is likewise false : ( with that she discouered her selfe to be a woman , saying ) Hadst thou ( Villaine ) euer any Strumpets fauour at my hands ? Did I ( for any sinfull pleasure I receiued from thee ) bestow this on thée ? Speake , and if thou haue any goodnes left in thée , speake the truth .

With that he being daunted at her sudden sight , fell on his knées before the King , beséeching his Grace to be mercifull vnto him , for he had wronged that Gentlewoman : therewith told he the King of the match betweene the Gentleman and himselfe , and how he stole the Crucifix from her , and by that meanes , perswaded her Husband that she was a Whore . The King wondred how hee durst ( knowing God to bee iust ) commit so great Villany : but much more admired he , to sée his Page to turn a Gentlewoman ; but ceasing to admire , he said : Sir , ( speaking to her Husband ) you did the part of an vnwise man , to lay so foolish a wager , for which offence , the remembrance of your folly is punishment inough : but seeing it concernes me not , your Wife shall be your Iudge . With that Mistris Dorrill ( thanking his Maiestie ) went to her Husband , saying , Sir , all my anger to you I lay downe with this kisse . He wondring all this while to see this strange and vnlooked for change , wept for ioy , desiring her to tell him how she was preserued : wherin she satisfied him at full . The King was likewise glad that hee had preserued this Gentlewoman from wilfull familie , and gaue Iudgement on the other in this manner : That he should restore the money treble which he had wrongfully got from him : and so was to haue a yeeres imprisonment . So this Gentleman and his Wife went ( with the Kings leaue ) louingly home , where they were kindely welcomed by George , to whom for recompence hee gaue the money which he receiued : so liued they euer after in great content . How like you of this woman ? Some praised her ( as shee deserued ) extraordinarily .

But ( said the Brainford Fishwife ) I like her as a garment out of fashion ; shee shewed well in that innocent time , when women had not the wit to know their owne libertie : but if she liued now , she would shew as vild as a paire of Yorkeshire sleeues in a Goldsmithes shop .

But wee being come almost at Brainford , I asked if any of them would land there ? They all cryed , No : perswading the two wiues that dwelt at Brainford , and Standon the Greene , to goe to King-stone , whither they purposed all to goe and be merry . Little intreating serued them : so putting their Fish-baskets aboord a Fisher-boate , they cryed , On to King-stone . I being well content therewith , set forward , and the Fishwife of Richmond proceeded in telling of her Tale : but first I will tell you what manner of creature she was .

The Fishwife of Richmond . This Richmond Dame Was voyd of shame , She was a scold At ten yeeres old : And now was held The best in field , At that same fight 'T was her delighs . Her Husband kinde ( A silly Hinde ) Durst not gainsay Or once say nay , For what she crau'd : For then she rau'd And call'd him foole , And with a stoole Would breake his head . Oft in the bed If he her tutch'd , His Beard she clutch'd , And claw'd his eyes : Yet in no wise Durst he resist Her cruell fist . This Wife was yong : Onely in tongue She was deform'd : Had that beene charm'd : She had deseru'd A King to ha' seru'd . Her Tale .

NOt long agone , in a towne not farre from London , dwelt an old Widdower , which tooke to Wife a faire , yong and lusty Damozell , ouer whom his owne weakenesse made him iealous , so that continually his eye was on her , and she could not looke away , but with most spitefull words he would reuile her , calling her so many Whores , that it was vnpossible to make him so many times Cuckold : This poore wench liued so miserable a life with him , that she rather wished to be with the dead , then to liue with so froward , and such a doting old foole : but her wishes were in vaine , and her misery still increased : For he complained to her friends , how that she shewed not that dutie to him , which other Wiues did to their Husbands , but flighted him as if he had beene a stranger , and that shee delighted in other mens companies more then his .

Vpon this complaint of his , shee had likewise the ill will of her friends , who told her they would continue her foes , till they heard she vsed her Husband with more respect . At this shee grieued more , then at her Husbands frowardnes , hauing their hate without a cause : and being one day at Church she made mone to her Pew-fellow ( which was a wench that would not be out-faced by her Husbands great lookes ) telling her how ill her Husband vsed her , for when hee was within doores , his eyes were neuer off her , so that she could not speake to any friend : and if he went forth , he would locke her in the house like Pusse-Cat ; and euery night he locked the doore himselfe , laying the key vnder his pillow . Why , said her Pew-fellow , wherfore haue you hands , but to take the key when hee is asléepe , and to goe whither you will , onely you must be carefull to come in at the houre he vseth to wake ? Fie , I am ashamed , that you haue no more wit : doe as I tell you , and since he barreth you of your libertie in the day , take it your selfe in the night : for company take no care , come to me ; and if wee cannot finde sport to passe away the time , wee will sleepe for company .

This yong Lasse thanked her for her counsell , vowing to put it in practice the next night what soeuer did happen : so returning from the Church with her husband , she went home , where all the day she sate demurely in his sight , as she was wont to doe , yet could shée scarce haue one good word from him .

Night being come , he locked the doore as he was wont , & going to bed , he layed the key vnder his pillow , falling quickly asleep , which she perceiuing , softly tooke the same , opening the doore therewith : away she went to her Pew-fellow , where she reuelled that night , till three of the clocke in the morning , at which time her Husband vsed to wake : then comming home , she softly opened the doore , locking the same againe with as little noise as she could : then laid she her selfe downe by her good man , who when he waked , neuer mistrusted that his Wife had stirred from his side : This did shee many times , and neuer was so much as suspected for such a matter .

One night aboue the rest ( her good fortune hauing made her bold ) she tarrying a little longer then her houre , her Husband chanced to awake ; who presently missing her , call'd her by her name , thinking she had beene in the house : he hearing no answere , rose and went about the house to looke her , but he could not set his eyes on her , and to aske for her was in vaine , for his Cat could not speake , and he had no other to inquire of : for his Cat , his Wife , and himselfe , was all the houshold he had .

To bed went this old man againe , where hee looked for the key , but could finde none : there he lay , vexing and chafing himselfe , euer and anon féeling on his browes , which he perswaded himselfe were in their Spring-time , and would shortly bring forth fruit : though the rest of his body were in Autumne . At length he might heare a noise , and lying still , he might perceiue his Wife come stealing to the bed , to whom hee said nothing , hoping one night to take her out of the doores , where hee would keepe her to her euerlasting shame , and giue the Parish notice of her night-walking : so taking no notice that he knew any thing , he vsed her that day very kindly , which made her to beleeue that the Prouerbe is true ( Cuckolds are kinde men ) for before she played loose with him , she neuer had that good vsage at his hand , as she had that day found .

This encouraged her to goe on in these her mad prankes , so that the same night she purposed to walke againe , which she did , taking the key from vnder his pillow ( as she was wont to doe ) she vnlocked the doore , and away she went to her Pew-fellow : hee perceiuing it ( for he slept For sleepe ) went downe , and bolted the doore after her , so that she could not come in , but he must know of it : when he had so done , he layd him downe to sleepe .

His Wife ending her Reuels , at her vsuall houre , returned home , and very quietly assayed to open the doore : but perceiuing that it was bol●ed on the inside , her heart was dead ( as a spent prodigals , at the sight of a Sergeant : ) then repented shee that she had taken that wanton course , knowing a seuere punishment would follow her sweet pleasure : Thus shee , poore soule , stood at the doore shaking with feare , more then cold : but at last ( hauing no other way to get in ) she resolued to knocke : so laying her hand gently on the ring of the doore , she knocked twise or thrise before hee would heare her . At last , hee looked out of the window , asking who knockt at the doore ? T is I , kinde Husband , ( answered shee ) that haue beene at a womans labour ; prethée sweet heart open the doore . All these kinde words would not get her admittance , but gained this churlish answere at his hands : Hast thou beene at a womans labour ? Then prethee sweet heart returne , and amongst the residue of the wiues , help thou to deuoure the groning Cheess , and sucke vp the honest mans Ale till you are drunke , by that time 't will be day-light , and I will haue thy friends at thy returne , who shall giue thée thankes for thy charitie .

The poore woman knew his wicked mind toward her ; by these his mocking words , yet sought she to pacifie the same ; saying , Alas , kinde Loue , these things are done already ; therefore pray open the doore ? No ( quoth he ) auaunt Whore ; damn'd Whore , auaunt . Heere is no place , your labours haue not deserued such fruits at my hands : No , I haue taken you , you are intrapt , you are snared , your friends shall now know , and all the world sée , that you are a most cunning Whore : therefore rest quiet , for there you shall stand till morning .

This sharpe answere of his kild her heart ; but she quickly reuiued the same with a tricke which she hoped would get her admittance , which she put in execution after this manner : Am I rewarded thus ( quoth she ) for my charitie toward a poore distressed woman ? and is this thy thankes thou giuest mee for all my care which I haue had of thy old and crazed carkasse ? I see it is , therefore will I liue no longer , but presently will make away my selfe , and with my selfe thee , for the world iudging thee to bee author of my death , will giue thee the punishment that is due vnto a murderer .

At this the old man laughed , bidding her proceed . Which she hearing , tooke vp a great stone , going therewith to a Pond which was within a yards length of her house , and standing at the brink , said these words : Oh blessed element of water , it is thou which wast ordained to end my misery , and to reuenge me on my wicked husband : therewith hurled she in the stone which made a great noise : then placed shee her selfe hard by the doore . Her husband thinking shee had leaped in , and considering what danger hee might come in if shee was drowned , ranne hastily out of doore to helpe her : which his Wife seeing , stept in , bolting of him forth .

The old man stood a long time looking with his Spectacles on the Pond : but perceiuing nothing to stirre , hee thought her to be drowned , and with that cryed out he was vndone . Long inough might he cry , for no neighbours dwelt neere him : at length his Wife pittied him , saying , Alas , good man , what wouldst thou haue ? He hearing it to be his wiues voice , was glad thereof : yet continuing his churlish speeches vnto her , he bid her open the doore , calling her dissembling Queane .

To all this said she nothing : but at last shee tooke occasion to emptie the Pis-pot on his head , and then said , There is some Cuckolds Vrine to coole your tongues heat ; I 'le warrant thee it is right , 't is of my Husbands making : so prethee , fellow , bee gone and let me sleepe .

This abuse of hers , made the old man to raile more then before : but at last , séeing he could get nothing thereby , thee gaue her good words , intreating her to let him in , and hee would forgiue all that was past , neuer letting her friends vnderstand of her night-walking .

She seeing him so meeke , said , Old man , I could well afford thee shelter in my house , though thou hast not deserued the same : but in so doing I shall breake my oath , for I haue sworne that thou shalt not come through the doore not this fiue houres : now to saue my oath , and doe thee pleasure ( in taking thee out of the cold ) I will open the window in the lower roome , that thou mayst come in that way . Her husband being glad any way to get out of the cold , thanked her for that kindnes .

Downe came she straight and opened that window : the old man glad thereof , thrust in his head , praying her to helpe him . She now thinking it time to bee reuenged on him , tooke hold of his Beard , and with her other fist batterd his face , and scratched him in such pitious manner , that the old man thought shee would haue killed him : and therfore pulling his head out of the window , he all be battered the Casements with stones , calling her a hundred Whores .

At this she laughed , and bid him bee a patient Cuckold , for his greatest misery was to come ; so going to a backe window , shee espyed a Boy , whom she called , willing him to goe to such a ones house ( naming her Pew-fellow ) and intreat her straight to come and speake with her . The Boy doing her errand , her Pew-fellow came : to whom shee told ( not without great laughing ) the whole story of her good hap ; willing her to goe to her Mother , and the rest of her friends , and ( as she could well inough without her instructions ) frame a complaint , how that her Husband of a long time had vsed to goe on whore hunting in the night : yet shee hauing no iust proofe of the same , was loth to speake : but now it was her hap to take him forth of the doores , where she would keep him , till they came to take some order that she might bee separated from him , for she feared her life .

With this Tale ranne her Pew-fellow to her friends ( which dwelled not farre off ) to whom she told such a pitious story ) of the miserable life their poore kinswoman led , with that knowne and proued old adulterer ; that her friends moued with the wrong she sustained , got the Parson of the towne to goe with them to their Kinswomans house , that hee might be a witnesse of her wrong .

When they came thither , they found the old man sitting at the doore , with a face more deformed ( with beating and scratching ) then euer was any Witches . The Mother to this lusty Lasse , séeing him sit there with such a deformed face , raised her voice to a high key , saying : Ah , thou old Knaue , thou Whore monger , thou decrepit Lecher , Hast thou alwayes complained of my Daughter , making mee , and other that are her good friends ( not onely to reproue her , but more which I speake to my griefe ) to hate her , for her neglect of dutie toward thee , when the fault was in thy selfe , when thou gauest her right to others ? but see , now it is come home by thee , shee hath intrapt thee in thy snare ; then art come home with thy face mangled like a true Ruffian : now thou art the true Picture of a brothell-house companion : thou hast the Seales on thy face , which those creatures ( called Whores ) doe giue : thou hast , villaine , thou hast .

He wondring to see her Mother so against him , of whom he hoped to be righted , said : Mother , I confesse , these seales are the seales of a Whore ; but of what Whore ? Euen of what whore thou wilt ( quoth she : ) thou knaue , hold thy tongue , confesse not heere , keepe that for the gallowes . Beare witnesse , good Sir Iohn , and the rest of my neighbours , that see how my daughter is abused : for I purpose to teach this knaue how to vse his wife better ; and not to abuse her , and then threaten her with death , if she complaine : come downe my child and speake for thy selfe , and let the knaue touch thee if he dare .

The yong Wife liked this well , who came downe as her Mother bid her ; & falling at her feet , intreated her ( with fained teares ) that she might be diuorced from her wicked husband , or else shee said her dayes were but short , for he assuredly would doe her a mischiefe .

Content thee , Daughter ( said her Mother ) I will haue him consent to let thee goe , giuing thee that portion hee had with thée ; or else I will sell Cow , Coat , house and all , to goe to Law with the Knaue . The old man ( her Husband ) perceiuing ) that they were all on her side , and how that they would not heare him speake in his owne defence : likewise thinking if that hee liued with his Wife againe , he must be a contented Cuckold , said , Will you heare this ? Take your Daughter with you : and I will presently giue her that portion I receiued , and take all this wrong .

This pleased them all ; so the Priest drew a Bill of diuorce betweene them , and the old man deliuered backe her portion , beeing glad that he was rid of his Wife . His wife on the other side was glad that she had escaped that punishment which shee deserued : so they all part●● seeming friends .

I ●●rry ( quoth the Fishwife of Brainford ) this was a wench worth talking of ; she deserueth as much praise as those women called Amazones , who out of a braue minde cut their husbands thr●ates : and so made themselues , rulers of themselues .

But what praise ( quoth the wife of Stand on the Greene ) had shee deserued , if she had been discouered , or failed in this attempt ? Nothing but curses in my minde , for she had giuen cause to all men to speake ill of vs women : it is not the euent , but the honesty of the intent , that iustifies the action . I thinke so too , said a Fishwife of Twitnam , I doe not like this foolish hardinesse : and men are apt to speake ill of vs without cause : therefore to make amends , I will tell of a vertuous and chaste Dame , one whose life may bee a mirrour for all women .

The description of the Fishwife of Twitnam . Not old , not young , Not sharpe of tongue Was this same Wife . She lou'd no strife , Nor much would prate , But lou'd her mate . Yet lou'd she lap : If 't were her hap To meete with those , She knew from foes , She 'd spend her quart With all her heart . Well lou'd she Masse . Her time she 'd passe In working good : If neighbours stood In neede of ought She sold or bought , They should it haue , If they did craue . This Wife mannerly Spake thus soberly . Her Tale .

SOmetime in Brittaine there raigned a mighty Prince , called Oswald , who for his iust gouernment and holy life , had the name of Saint giuen him . This Oswald tooke to his wife a vertuous Maiden , named Beblam , daughter to Kynygils King of West-Saxons : by whom he had one sonne , after whose birth they willingly agréed ( that they might the better serue their Sauiour ) not to touch one the other after any carnall manner .

Thus liued this vertuous couple vntill their deaths , onely estéeming the seruice of God , and the auoiding of worldly tentations for their chiefe pleasure . A Hermet being enuious at the report of his holy life , one day went to him , asking the King how hee could liue so holy , and yet liue with a Wife ? To whom the King answered : Marriage is no hinderance to holy life , for therein doe we but follow the institution of God , which hee ordained for the increase of the world : but further to satisfie thée , that it is no hinderance to my holy life ; take thou this King , and goe to her , bidding her vse thée as she would vse my selfe .

The Hermet glad of this ( hoping to haue kinde entertainment at his Quéenes hands ) went merily to her , deliuering her the King : and told her , that it was her Husbands will that she should vse him in all respects as shee would vse himselfe , if hee were there .

To this the Quéene was willing , and bid him welcome , telling him he should be serued in all points as the King her Royall husband was . When the time of supper was come , and the Hermet expected some delicate cheere , he onely was fed with bread , which was serued vp in a stately manner , by diuers Gentlemen that did attend him : likewise when he called for drink , they gaue him wholesome water to coole his hote desires : no other cates got hee , yet was it no worse then the Queene her selfe ate of .

This stately seruice , and homely fare , scarce pleased the Hermet , yet still he hoped for better , but his hopes were vaine , for the cloth was taken vp , and one asked him if hee pleased to goe to bed ? To this hee was willing , hoping now to sleepe out the remembrance of his hard fare : but being come to his Chamber , a sodaine ioy extinguished the griefe he would haue slept out ; for he saw no worser woman then the Queene should be his bedfellow . So quickly vndressing himselfe he went in bed to her ( not forget-getting in his thoughts to praise her for obeying her Husbands will ) where hauing lyne a while , thinking of some strange things , lust and the euill disposition of his minde beganne to infect his soule so , that with as kinde imbrace hee besought the Queene to shew some mercy towards his hot affection .

This vertuous Queene seeing this Hermet basely lasciuious , rung a Bell : then presently came in foure women , who took this Hermet and cast him in a Cisterne full of water , that stood in the Chamber : he being well cooled , they tooke him forth , placing him in the bed as they found him . There hee lay shiuering with cold a good space ; but at length his bloud being heated , hee fell to thinking with himselfe : how perchance the Queene shewed her selfe thus chaste , to take suspition from her women , and that she might all the night after play the wanton securely : His burning Lust , seconding this Opinion , made him once more ●enter a ducking : so turning himselfe to the Queene , he began with this speech :

Most rare , beauteous , admirable , and vnparalelled woman , I will not onely commend thée for thy beauty , and greatnesse of Birth and place ; but also I will adore thee with more then humane worship , for the extraordinarie vnderstanding which thou hast aboue others of thy sexe . With what a graue and sober carriage doest thou hide thy hote affections , which inwardly doe burne thee ? Oh it is strange ! therewith not onely blinding the eyes of strangers , but also thy neerest attendants : now I conceiue why thou commandest mee to bee hurled in the water Cisterne , it was thy policy ( thou wonder of thy sexe ) to auoid suspition in thy seruants .

I knew this well , and therfore did willingly endure the same , that I might the more freely enioy thy beauty now : therewith 'gan he lo clip her in his armes ; which shee perceiuing , rung the Bell : her women presently comming in , tooke this Yongster , ducking him twise so much as they did before , so that they laid him in the bed halfe drowned : and hauing done , presently voided they the Chamber .

The Hermet being come to himselfe , had a better opinion of K. Oswald & his Wife , for he then held them for the holyest people in England : and his hote bloud being cooled , he lay still that night , not daring to stirre , lest shee giuing the alarum , his enemies would come vpon him and put their crueltie in execution .

The morning being come , hee kindely tooke his leaue of the Quéene , telling her he had sufficiently tryed the Kings seuere and holy life , and would euer after giue testimonie of the same : so went he to his Cell , being ashamed of this his foolish attempt , and neuer after would looke into other mens liues , but mended his owne .

She hauing ended her Tale , they all said , This Queene was a vertuous woman , and worthy to bee had in memory , but shee was not to be any president for them , seeing shee was a Queene , and they were but Fishwiues .

Truely ( quoth a Fishwife of Kingstone that fate next to her ) if wee would be thus chaste , alas , our husbands would not suffer vs to continue to ; therefore , for my part , I will neuer goe about it : I will tell you a Tale of one that was a great woman ( though she was no Queene ) and yet kept a friend besides her husband .

The description of the Fishwife of Kingstone . This Kingstone wife , Lou'd little strife . She was a bosse , That lou'd to tosse The Ale pot round . Few was there found Could with her drinke , But they would winke , And fall asleepe : Till she would creepe , She 'd not giue ore , But call for more . Louing the pot , All lost she not : For she had got A nose full hot , And red as bloud . Within it stood , Di'monds shining . Lower declining , Stood a Rubie . If I true be , There were more Then halfe a score , Which shewed like The sparkes you strike , From forth a flint : Such heat was in 't . Men might suppose , ( Seeing her nose ) What broth she lou'd . When she had mou'd Her selfe , and spit , She spake this writ . Her Tale .

A Certaine great Lady , hauing to her husband a man old and vnfit to satisfie her youthfull desires , asked her Confessor whether she might not enioy ( her desire being hot , and her husband vnable ) a friend which might supply her want , caused by her husbands weakenesse ? The Fryer ( hoping shee would make choise of him ) told her she might , for the sinne was but little , and did deserue little or no penance . She thanked him for this kinde absolution , telling him she onely tooke this carefull course , that her husband might not die without issue , hauing his memory buried with him in the dust .

The Priest ( still hoping he was the man she would select ) said , her care was good , and no whit offensiue , if she chose a friend that would kéepe it from the world . She said , her diligence would choose such a one , and so they parted : the Priest being still in the minde that he should be the man .

But this Lady meant otherwise : for she chose a Gentleman that sometime had beene a suter vnto her , who louing her dearely , and she him , they enioyed each others company without suspect of any , onely two of her trusty seruants knowing of it .

The Priest perceiuing he was not the man appointed for this businesse , vexed himselfe in thinking what a foole he was , that he did not make proffer of his seruice , when shee first opened her minde vnto him . Thus thinking of her beauty , and his neglect , hee vowed to performe something which might giue him content ; with this resolue went hee to a pleasant walke thereby , where oftentimes the Lady vsed ; there hauing obscured him selfe , he might perceiue her with her Louer comming that way . He lying close , and listening to heare something that might bee for his aduantage : amongst other things he heard her aske , why hee had chosen Hercules for his watch-word , seeing there were many words , and names , which were more proper to that busines ? The Priest stayed not to heare his answer , ( thinking he had enough in knowing of that word which had the power to bring him to her bed ) but closely got him home , waiting the comming of night , which he prayed might hasten on , that hee might inioy the pleasure he so wished for .

To be short , her friend and shee parted when they saw time , and night being come , she went to bed , where she lay alone : ( for her old husband was at Court : ) long had she not lyen there : but the Priest ( beeing well acquainted with all the turnings in the house ) came to her Chamber doore and knockt : She asked who was there ? Hercules , quoth the Priest . With that she rose , and ( thinking it to be her Swéet-heart ) let him in . The Priest caught her in his armes , kissing and vsing other dalliance , so long , till hee had fully satisfied his hot desires : Then quietly tooke hee his leaue without words , which she wondred at .

Long had he not been gone , when came her Sweet-heart , who softly knocked at the Chamber doore : she hearing it , asked who was there ? Hercules , said he . She wondring at his sudden return , opened the doore , and asked him why hee came ? To enioy thy sweet company ( said hee ) and to passe away this night in such sports as shall content vs both .

She wondring to see him , and hee not knowing what shee meant , ( and thinking she mis doubted his loyaltie ) prayed her to tell him the meaning of those words , which seemed more strange to him , then rattling Welch , or wilde Irish : and he protested likewise , that but euen then he came from his Chamber .

The Lady now knew that shee was deceiued , and that some craftie knaue had got at her hands a more then ordinarie kindnesse : and 'cause he should suspect nothing , she told him that shee dreamed she had inioyed his company that night , and that he parted from her after an vnkinde manner .

Tut , said he , dreames are but false shaddowes : now hast thou the substance those shaddowes did present . With such louing words passed they the night : and morning being come , her friend kindely tooke his leaue , secretly going to his Chamber .

She being vexed in her minde that she was deceiued , and not knowing by whom , passed away that day , hoping ere long to entrap her cunning Louer .

Night being come , after her vsual maner she went to bed , where she had not long beene , but the Priest ( his appetite being rather sharpened , then any way slacked ) came to the doore , softly knocking . She hoping it was he she looked for , went to the doore , demanding who was there ? Hercules , said the Priest : she knowing it to be him ( by his voice ) that had deceiued her , prayed Hercules to come in and act a new labour : and vnder colour of vsing him kindely , she felt by the short haire on his head , that it was the Priest .

Being glad she had found her too officious friend , she intreated him to repose himselfe on the bed , till shee cleered the house of some seruants that she heard vp in the next roome : to which the Priest was very willing , being loth to bee descryed at his going forth by any of the houshold seruants .

But shee had another meaning : for shee called by her two seruants , seruants which she trusted with her chiefe secrets , bidding them go into her Chamber , where they should find the Priest , whom they should binde , and with a sharpe knife ( which shee gaue to them ) cut out one of his genitours . They obeying her command , rushed into the Chamber , where they found the Priest ( fearing the noise be heard ) crept vnder the bed , whom they drew out by the heeles , and bound his hands , and feete . The Priest séeing them handle him thus roughly , intreated them to forbeare , saying , he was a Church-man , and it was sacriledge to offer him violence . He séeing this preuailed him nothing , set out his throat : but they soone stopped the same , and with a sharpe knife , and a quick hand , made him lighter by a stone .

Then called they their Lady , who seemed to pitie Sir Iohn , and bid them binde vp his wound , putting thereto salue which she gaue them . They hauing done this , shee hung a paper about his neck , bidding them vnbinde him , and turne him foorth the doores : which they performed , and shutting the doore after him , they went to bed laughing . The poore Priest hyed him home , getting to bed , where he tooke little rest for the paine hee felt ; but he passed away the night in cursing the Lady , on whom hee could not tell how to be reuenged . The morning being come , hée espyed the writing which hung about his neck ; hee opening the same , found therein this written : Priest , if that thou chance to tell , What pleasure through thy wit befell : Likewise report not without care , What thou hast lost , and what they are : But neuer grieue there 's none that can , But must confesse th' art halfe a man . But leaue thy riding , lest that stone Be carued too , then hast thou none . So Sir , farewell : th' ast made amends , For thy deceit : and we are friends .

At this the Fryer bit his lip , wishing he had as much power ouer her life , as he had ouer that paper : but not knowing how to mend himselfe , but by looking to his wound , hee rested himselfe content , and ventured to steale no more flesh : and the Lady inioyed her friend quietly , being neuer after troubled with the Fryer .

Now tell me ( quoth this Fishwife ) if this Lady bee not as much praise-worthy for her wit , as the other was for her honestie ? Most of them confirmed her argument to be sound , & the rest confirmed it by their silence . Then the last Fishwife which was of Hampton , said , but for a woman out of the abundance of her wit , to abuse any man , or her selfe , in such dishonest courses , I thinke it not good : 'cause oftentimes the harme which shee intendeth , and the shame which shee deserueth , lighteth on her selfe : which I will make good by this example .

The description of the Fishwife of Hampton . This same creature Had a feature , Would haue mou'd A man to lou'd . A body sound . A face full round . A forehead hye . A full blacke eye . A soft bright haire . A skin full faire . A colour ruddy : And not muddy . A chin dimpled . Nose not pimpled . She had a lip , Would make one skip , To haue a bit : So sweet was it . Shee 'd not lowre . And looke sowre . Nor in feasting , Be protesting She was no such : But shee 'd bide tuch . Beauties rich store . And eke much more Of honest goodnesse : And hated lewdnesse . Her Tale .

IN Deuonshire ( sometime ) there dwelt a maiden , to whom nature ( hauing beene something liberall ) gaue such beauty , that she in all mens iudgements was held the comeliest and fairest creature in all those parts : she being a right woman , tooke notice of her good parts , & withall grew so proud , that she rewarded all those which honestly sought to enioy her loue , either with scoffes or vnkinde denials .

A yong Gentleman of that countrey , long time loued this same vnkind and vnmatched creature , but neuer could he receiue better comfort at her hands , then vnkinde answeres , or scornefull lookes . One day ( not willing to liue longer betweene hope and feare ) hee resolued to haue of her either a flat deniall , or firme grant ; and with this resolution went to her , to whom he spake after this manner :

Faire Millisant , long time ( amongst other of your suters ) haue I dearely loued you , yet neuer did I receiue the least token of acceptance at your hands : disdaine you my Birth ? I am a Gentleman , though not descended of the highest houses , yet not of the meanest . Mislike you my wealth ? I haue enough to maintaine a priuate Gentleman . Mislike you my parts of body ? They are as nature gaue them , I could wish they were more pleasing to your minde . Doe you mis-doubt my loue to you ? Set mee some taske in mans possibility to performe , and it shall confirme the same . Tell me for what it is you cannot loue me , and I will reforme the same , and by fashioning my selfe to your liking , giue you testimonie of my loue .

No whit was she moued with his pure loue , but after her vsuall manner determined to abuse the same ; and to that purpose she answered him thus :

Sir , such little libertie hath our sexe , and men such corrupt iudgements , that our mirth is counted immodesty , our ciuillest lookes lasciuious , our words loose , our attires wanton , and all our doings apish : to shunne these slanders , it behooueth vs to bée carefull ouer our selues , and not through our kindnesses to giue inconstant and dissembling men occasion to speake ill . I taxe not you with this common fault ; yet haue I bad no proofe that your loue is any other then dissembling ; therefore till I haue made proofe of the same , by your obedience in executing my will , looke not for any kinde fauour at my hands .

These words gaue him some hope : and he being willing to expresse his loue to her , desired her to acquaint him with that taske whose performance would giue him that great happinesse of her loue : and he vowed to doe it , excepting no danger .

She séeing him thus blinde with her loue , that for her sake hee would vndergoe any danger , with a cruell and vnmerciful heart vttered these words : Sir , I shall try you whether your loue is of that purenesse you praise it for ; I charge you , as euer you did respect me , or hope to inioy me , for this two yéeres comming to keepe a voluntary silence , not speaking to any creature liuing , or to sing , or vse any kinde of sound , whereby your meaning may be vnderstood : this is my pleasure , which if you performe not , neuer see me : if you will do it , let your silence and sudden departure be signe of consent .

The Gentleman hearing this vnkind taske , was almost struck dead with griefe , yet said he nothing , but obseruing her command , presently departed with silence .

Being thus silenced by that vnmercifull Maid , hee left his friends , and went into Cornwal , where he was entertained by the Duke ( hee being an excellent Musician ) to teach his children to dance and play on sundry Instruments wherein he had skill : In his seruice he bore himselfe so worthily , and vsed such diligence 〈…〉 the childe on that the Duke delighted in his com-paring 〈…〉 other Gentlemen and sought all the meanes 〈…〉 his speech ? 〈◊〉 seeing all 〈◊〉 cost was in vaine , and that the 〈◊〉 did him no good , he caused it to be publisshed that whosoever could restore his speech , ●●ue 〈◊〉 pounds should be their reward : ●ut they not performing 〈◊〉〈…〉 should give the Duke so much 〈◊〉 or else haue imprisonment till they paid it . This large , but ●ea●efull pro●●se , was 〈…〉 that ●o think that she could with one word doe that which so great a Duke could not vndoe , with all his exp●●●● and care She knowing it was in her power to restore his speech and being couetous of the great reward , she went into Cornwall , proffering her selfe before the Duke to performe the cure , or undergoe the punishment .

The Duke being glad that hee had one that would undertake the cure , bid her to take her time for the performance of it ; She set down three weeks , and that she not performing it in that time , was lyable to his sharpest punishments : so with a g●●● courage did she begin her cure .

The Gentleman seeing his hard-hearted Loue come to be his Physician , would neither by signe , or any word make knowne , that he had any remembrance what she was but seemed to her as to a strong 〈◊〉 though she gaue him many kinde words , ex●●●ing her 〈◊〉 folly in that she knew him not to be of that worth and estimation , which she now saw he was of . All this would get neuer a word from him ; which shee sheeing , intreated to breake that rash and foolish ●ow she had caused him to make , 〈◊〉 she would giue him sufficient 〈◊〉 of her loue ; thus continued she the spa●e of twelue dayes , but could neuer get any cheerefull looke at his hand : she now fearing he would be reuenged on her , and by his wilfull silence suffer her either to pay the money , or else to lye in prison with a kinde and louing countenance said these words to him :

Sir if euer you loued me ( as you vowed you did ) let not my 〈…〉 be any longer cause of your neglecting mee , 〈…〉 are sufficient testimony of the griefe I haue for it , and 〈…〉 offer up my loue to you as satisfation for my former fault : Oh then be mercifull , and louing me , 〈…〉 sence , and through my louing duty , let me 〈…〉 good opinion of me : with these 〈…〉〈◊〉 ●oying to cause him 〈◊〉 .

All this predaa●●ed her nothing , for he 〈…〉 A● her one word : yet with a seeming vnwillingnesse did hee accept her imbraces , whe he 〈…〉 enioyed , 〈…〉 .

But to be 〈…〉 come , and she could not for 〈…〉 and the Duke seeing her folly ( he vndertaking his 〈◊〉 , and not performing it ) caused her to be 〈◊〉 , 〈…〉 ( not being able to pay the money 〈…〉 she had cured him ) till she 〈…〉 . That time being come , he went to the Duke , 〈◊〉 him to pardon his long wilfull silence , paused by 〈…〉 , withall felling 〈…〉 and how he had 〈…〉 .

The Duke was exceeding 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 him speake , 〈◊〉 praised his wit for vsing so vngentle a person so vntowardly : yet blamed him withall , for keeping so 〈…〉 , and vnreasonable a vow so straightly : 〈◊〉 both hauing had 〈◊〉 enough for their folly , hee 〈…〉 them both , continuing his loue to the Gentleman , and rel●●●ng her , who by that 〈◊〉 has got a great belly with her awise physicke , but he that owed the ●rait , would not acknowledge it : so that shee was to looke● new customer , or else endure the open shame belonging to a S●●mpe● : which of them she did , I know not , eyther of them was bad enough : and had that Gentlewoman had no better fortune in abusing the Fryer , then this by exercising her with on this Gentleman , shee had deserued no more then this foolish woman doth .

It is true ( said the Brainford Fishwife : ) and since it conernes vs not , let vs leaue this pro and contra , let euery tub stand on it owne bottome : and so our mirth and ●ourney ends about one time : for yonder is Kingstone , whose large and conscionable pots are praised throughout England ; whose Ale is of great strength and force , as our Westerne Watermens sicke braines can witnesse . Then since it is so neere , let vs not bee factious , and contend for trifles ; but let vs seeke to enioy that which we came for , mirth ; that best preseruer of our liues : so land vs with all speed , honest Waterman .

They hearing her speake but reason , agréed to be ruled by her , and therefore gaue her the name of Captaine . With all haste ( and ease ) as I could possible , landed I my merry Fare of Fish-wiues , who went straight to the signe of the Beare , where they found such good liquor , that they stayed by it all night : where I left them , and so ended my iourney , Westward for Smelts .

FINIS .