Nay , but Accutus , prethee what mis-shapen vizard of Melancholly hast thou mask't thy selfe in ? thou lookst as thou wer 't changing thy religion : what ? is there a breach in thy Faith ? come , declare , and let me set thy wits on worke , to amend it .

Ha ha ha !

Prettie : a man 's well aduisd to offer good counsell , and be laught at for his labour : we shall shortly haue no Counsellors but Physitians , I spend my breath to thee , and thou answerest me some halfe an houre after in a sembreue , or like to a Sexton with a Sobeitor Amen .

Condemne my Stars then .

I should wrong am then , as thou dost with a false inditement , I know it tooke not , beeing at thy birth , thou hast bene merrie , thou hast sounded hoopes , swallowed whiffes , walkt late , worne fauours , seene whore sons : thou canst feele and vnderstand , come , thou hast bene a sinner : vnloade , discharge , vntune , confesse , is venus dominatrix ? art not in loue ?

Yes , I loue God and my neighbors .

Then either for Gods sake or thy Neighbors , or both , be smothe , and participate , i st not some vnderlayer , some she Cammell that will beare as much of her belly , as three beastes on their backes ? some Lanthorne-maker , I le holde thy head : come , vp with 't .

Prethee I hate none , but heauen hate me if I be in loue with any .

Off with these clogs , then break prison , and get out of this melancholly Gaole , harke how the generall noise doth welcome from the Parthian wars , each spirit 's iocund , fraught with glee , then wrong not thine with this dull meditation .

Then make me of thy counsell , and take my aduice , for i le take no denyall , I le not leaue thee til the next new Almanackes be out of date : let him threaten the sharpest weather he can , in Saint Swithin week , or it snow on our Ladies face , i le not budge , i le be thy mid-wife til thou beest deliuered of this passion .

Partake then , and giue me the beleefe : thinkst thou or knowst thou any of this opinion , that , that moouing marish element , that swels and swages as it please the moone , to be in bignes equall to that solide lump that brings vs vp ?

I was sure thou wert beyond the Antipodes : faith I am of that faith I was brought vp in , I haue heard my Father say , and i 'me sure his Recordes came from his Father , that the Land and Sea are in nature thus much alike ; the owne growes by the Sunne , the other by the Moone , both by Gods blessing ; and the Sea rather the greater , and so thinke I.

Good : there we haue a farther scope , and holde the sea , can ( as a looking glasse ) answere with a meere smile any moouing shape vppon the earth .

Nay , that 's most certaine , I haue heard of Sea-horses , Sea-calues , and Sea-monsters .

Oh , they are monstrous madde , merrie wenches , and they are monsters Graccus , they call them Sea-maides or Mermaides singing sweetelye , but none dares trust them , and are verie like our Land-wenches , deuouring Serpents from the middle downeward .

Thou hast euen giuen me satisfaction : but hast thou this by proofe ?

Not by my trauels ( so God helpe me ) marrie i le bring ye fortie Saylers will sweare they haue seene them .

In truth or otherwise .

Faith they are not vnlike our land monsters , else why should this Maximilian Lord , for whom these shoots and noyses befits thus , forsake his honours , to sing a Lullabye ?

Come , thou art Sea-sicke , and will not be well at ease til thou hast tane a vomit , vp with 't .

Mistris , that face wants a fresh Glosse .

Prethee dib it in well Bos.

Rare , Mistris , heere s a cheeke like a Camelion or a blasing Star : you shall heere me blaze it , heere 's two saucers sanguine in a sable field , pomegranet , a pure pendant , Ready to drop out of the stable , a pin and web argent in hayre de Roy.

And a fooles head in the Crest .

In the Crest ? oh sweete Vermilion mistris ! t is pittie the Vermilion Wormes should eate thee , i le set it with pretious stones and ye will .

Hold vp , so sir now away : oh Mistris your scantling , most sweete mistris most derydent starre .

Then most rydent starres faire fall ye .

Nay sure t is the Moone her selfe , for there 's her man and her Dogge before .

I sir , but the man is not in the moon , & my bushis before me , ergo not at my backe , et ergo , not moone sir .

What 's your will sir ?

That you would leaue vs .

Leaue you , zoundes sir , we scorne their companies , come , they are still , doe not open to them , we haue no Conies to catch .

Why therfore are they belooued like Sargeants , and entertained like Beggars , think'st thou but any honorable Gate but will be shut against these Butter-flies ?

Fa , la , sol , lasol : Boy a Glasse ;

Angels protect vs , what haue we heare ?

Ye haue a good memorie Sir , for they are fiue minutes ere windefall of your Glasse .

Sir , be credible , t is ballanst to be a superlatiue politicke custome in these houres to dwell in shallowe accoutrements , as a defence for the abilitie of his pursse , from the infringed Oath of some impudent face , that will borrowe a gentlemans reuenewes , if he be vestally adornd : I le tell you sir , by this bright Horrison —

A word I pray yee sir ere ye goe any further : Boy my Tables ?

Your Tables are ready Sir , and all the men ye keep which is indeede halfe a Boy , Scillicet , Videlicet .

I pray ye let me request that oath of you .

A gracefull enquirie , and well obseru'd : Sir my company shal make ye copious of nouelties , let your Tables befriend your memorie : write , by this bright Horrison .

Here 's none but only I , sing : Boy , how lik'st thou my head of hayre ?

Your Glasse may flatter ye , but truely I will not , your head is not a hayre better then it should be .

Is there any scarcitie of haire Boy ?

Somewhat thin , and yet there is more hayre then wit .

How Boy ?

Then wit of man can number sir , take it i' th right sence I pray yee .

Most ingenious !

Horison

Horison the Widowes mite Sir ?

Not for the Soldans crowne sir .

Indeede yee shall , by this bright horison ye shall , beleeue me if I sweare , I thinke my selfe beholding , for I know it to be no common oath .

Were it common , it past not these doores : Sir , I shift my oathes as I wash my hands , twice in the artificial day , for in dialoguising , t is to be obseru'd , your sentences must ironically , metaphorically , and altogether figuratiuely mixt with your morning oathes .

Faith t is verie true .

That he neither knowes what he saies , nor thou vnderstandest .

As for example , by this illuminate welkin .

Oh excellent ! it shall downe to .

I haue heere two Mistresses , but if the best were chosen out , if Poliphemus tother eye were out , his choice might be as good as Argus broade waking , so difficult is the difference .

Boy , sleepe wayward thoughts .

Sir .

Is it not now most amyable and faire ?

Yes sir God be praised .

What meanst thou Boy ?

The weather sir .

I meane my haire and face Boy .

T were amiable if it would not alter .

Wherfore , I often repaire it .

Not so Boy , for to trimme the Hayre well , is a rare qualitie : to bee rarelye quallified is to be wise , apply Boy .

That you are wise in trimming your hayre Maister ?

Right , to be wise is to be rare , for it is rare to see a wise man .

True Maister : but if you le see a foole looke in your Glasse maister .

Goe to , I must correct you Boy .

You can correct no more then is your own , I am but halfe yours to commaund , if you steale away any parte that is not your owne , you are so farre in daunger as the striking of an other mans seruant .

By this illuminate welkin most sincere and singular , as a small remembrance .

Not for to winne the faire Angelica .

By this illuminate Welkin ye shall now .

Sir , I doe not bestowe it for that I thinke you haue neede of it , for if you had , by this bright Horizon I would not giue it , for I know t is no credit to giue to the poore , by this illuminate welkin , I haue ( since I tooke vpon me this fleshie desire of a Gentleman ) throwne out of a window for a huntsvp , when I had as leef haue heard the grinding of a Mustard Mill , for those are thinges are heere too day and gone to morrowe : this will sticke by a man , and doe him credit where ere hee goes .

Signior Scillicet , I assure you I haue discouered the moste queint and new-found deuice for the encounter of the Ladies at the enteruiew , t is in pricke-song .

I , for prick-song to Ladies is moste pleasant and delightfull , as thus for your congie , All hayle to my belooued : then for your departure , sad dispaire doth driue me hence : for all must be to effect .

Nay , prethee raise no quarrels .

I can holde no longer , heare you sir , are not you a foole ? and you an Asse ? and you a knaue ?

zoundes an Asse ?

A Foole ?

A Knaue without respect ?

I , for an Asse can beare , a Foole abide , and a Knaue deserue :

Helpe , helpe !

Prethee le ts away .

Fooles oftentimes brings wisemen to trouble , Farwell , another time i le pay ye double . Exit .

Bring your Clubs out of doores , there goe in my fine hostes , i le talke to the proudest : what knaues are i' th streete , my dore is my dore , my house is my castell , goe in dame Helena , let thine host alon with this : he that knocks at my hobby , while I haue Ale in my house , shall pay for a Surgeon : the honest shal come in , the knaues shall go by : bring Clubs I say .

Nay sir , the heare is past , they that did it haue tooke them to their heeles , for indeede heere are of vs —

Away with your Clubs then , welcome my braue Bullies , my Guests shal take no wrong , but welcome my Bullies .

Indeede sir I am a man of few words , I haue put vp a little blood shed , marrie I hope it shall be no staine to my manhoode , if I keepe it out of my clothes .

He shall pay for the blood-shed , my guestes shal take no wrong : mine Host will spend his Cruse as franke as an Emperor : welcome my braue bullies .

Sir , be pacificall , the fellowe was possest with some critique frenzie , and wee impute it to his madnes .

Madde ! by Gods slid if he were as madde as a weauer , I can hardly put it vp : for my blow : I care not so much , but he cald me foole : slid if I liue till I dye , the one of vs shall proue it .

Some prophane Villaine , i le warrant him .

Doe you thinke I may not haue an action against him ?

There 's so many swaggerers , but alasse , how felye out ?

By the welkin I gaue him not a foule word : first he calles me foole , then he makes a full blowe at my body , and if by good chance I had not warded it with my head , he might haue spoild me .

There , there , my fine fil-pots : giue the word as you passe : anon anon sir , anon : heere and there in the twinckling , looke well to the barre , there againe my little Mercuries , froath them vp to the brimme , and fill as t is needefull : if their pates be full of Wine , let your Pottles be three quarters , trip and goe , here and there : now any braue Lad wash thy woundes with good Wine : bidde am welcom my little Sybil : put sugar in his hole there , I must in to my guests , sleepe soundly till morning : Canarie is a Iewell , and a Figge for Browne-bastard . Exit .

Gentlemen , ye are welcom , though my husband be a little talkatiue , yet truly he is an vnreasonable honest man , yee shall finde his words and his sayings all one .

I thinke no lesse , yet I would desire to enter as time and place shall serue .

I le lead the way forsooth .

Nay pray ye Hostesse a word , I say little , but i 'me sure I haue sustained the most wrong ; by this light , I had rather he had broke my head in three places , I pray you lend me a brush , hee has put my hat quite out of fashion .

That shall ye sir , a brush there hoe !

Salue , sis saluus , I pray yee which of you fiue is the Hostis of the house ?

That s easily discernd , for foure weare breeches .

Nere the sooner for that my diminitiue youth , for women now adaies weare breeches as well as men , mary the difference lies in the bawble .

Well sir , to open the ttuth I am the Hostesse .

The fruit is knowne by the Tree at the first view , as the Author writes learnedly , come , basilus manus .

This kissing becomes a Gentleman , i le vse it suret

Secondly , Mistris Hostesse , I would knowe what lodging ye haue for my Lady and her traine .

What will serue your turne sir ?

I le call my selfe to account and specifie thus : my Lady and her Dogge that 's two visible : then there 's the Dogge and my Lady , that 's foure inuisible : then there 's my Ladies dogge and I quoth the dogge , that 's six : then there 's sequence of three , viz. the Dogge and I and my Lady : then there 's a paire of Knaues , viz the Dogge & my selfe , & my Lady turnd vp : viz my Lady sequence of three : a paire of knaues , & my Lady turn'd vp to play vpon , we can haue no lesse then fiue beds .

Truely you must lye close together , ( the Seruants I meane ) for I am so thrust with Guest I an hardly spare so many .

Faith wee le lie together as close as we can : there 's my Lady and her dogge lye al together , and I at the beds feete , and there 's all our family of Loue .

How farre is your mistris behinde ?

The truth is , the fatall sisters haue cut the thred of her Corke-shoe , & shee 's stept aside into a Coblers shop to take a true stitch , whether I meane to send my selfe as a Court of Guard to conduct her : but see , oh , inconstant fortune ! see where shee comes solus .

Bos , you serue me well to let me waite vpon my selfe .

Of two euils the least is to be chosen , I had a care of your puppie being lesse then your selfe .

Gentlewoman you haue an excellent Ch: I haue an appetite as a man would say .

What 's your will sir ?

Truth will to light , and the truth is , I haue an appetite to kisse you .

This point would become a Gentleman sure , I pray who trim'd it so ?

My man forsooth .

Sir , I desire your acquaintance , t is excellent rare .

You would haue saide so , had you seene it an houre since .

Gentles , please you draw neere ? leade the way into the chambers .

Bos is the name of a thing may be seene , felt , heard , or vnderstood , and the nominatiue case goes before , my Mistris the Verbe , my mistris requires an accusatiue case to follow , as vsus feminae promptus facit . Exeunt al but Hostis

Oh fye vpon t , who would be an hostis , & could do otherwise ? Ladie , as the moste lasciuious life , conges and kisses , the tyre , the hood , the rebato , the loose bodyed Gowne , the pin in the haire , and euerie day change , when an Hostis must come and go at euerye mans pleasure : and what 's a Lady more then another body ? wee haue legs and hands , rowling eyes , hanging lips , sleek browes , & cherie cheeks , & other things as Ladies haue , but the fashion carries it away . Prentices passe ouer .

There , there my little Lacky boies , againe , again , my fine fil-pots , where is my fine Hostis ? come , come my litle dido , set your corks on a creaking , my knaues are vnthrifty , dance not your canaries , heere , vp & down , look about to my Guests I say .

What , abides my Penenelope ? heere stand thy Vlisses , i le tarry with thee stil , thou shalt want for no cost , i le buy thee a braue whistle , looke about to my Guestes I say .

I , Hostesses will bee knowne shortlye as their Signes , still in one weather-beaten suite , as though none weare hoodes but Monkes and Ladies : and feathers , but fore-horses , and Waiting Gentlewomen : or chaines but prisoners and Courtiers : no Perywigges but Players and Pictures , but the weakest must to the wall still .

Tush tush , these are toies , i le none of these Flip-flaps , i le haue no ●oping , no puffes , nor no Cobwebs : no busks nor burbarrels : thou shalt wear thine own haire , & fine cloath of Sheep-skins : thy colour shal be Dowlas , as white as a Lillie : i le kisse these chop-cheries , thou shalt goe Gossip at Shroue-tide , look about to my Guests then . Exit .

I , t was my hard fortune to be an Hostesse , time was I might haue done otherwise .

Why how now Woman , a' th olde disease still ? will it neuer be better ? cannot a Woman finde one kinde man amongst twentie ? ah the daies : I haue seen , when a Womans will was a lawe : if I had had a minde to such a thing , or such a thing , I could haue had it , but t wa's neuer better since men were Purse-bearers .

Mine is eene the vnnaturallist man to his Wife

Truely , and commonly are all such fat men : i le tell thee Gossip , I haue buried sixe , I sixe husbands , but if I should liue to haue as many more , as I know not what may happen , but sure i de neuer haue such a fatte man : they be the moste vnweldy men , that women shall not want a sore stomack that 's troubled with them I warrant her .

I , and what say , they are their wiues head , well , if he be the head , shee 's the body , and the body is to beare the head , and the body is to beare the pursse .

They cannot misse vs , yet they regard vs not .

Misse vs ! no faith , but would all women were of my minde , they call vs the weaker vessels : they should finde vessels of vs , but no weake vessels I warrant them .

Mistris my Maister , cals for ye .

Goe , i le come anon , hee 's not so hastie to giue me what I want I warrant ye ,

No , would he were , little thinkes the husband what goes through the wiues hand , washing , wringing and rubbing , vp earely , downe late , & a thousand things they looke not too .

And yet they must haue the gouernment of all .

And great reason they haue for it , but a wise man will put in a Womans hand , what ? shee le saue that hee spends .

You haue a prettie Ruffe , how deepe is it ?

Nay this is but shallowe , marrie I haue a Ruffe is a quarter deepe , measured by the yard .

Indeede by the yard !

By the standard , you haue a pretty set too : how big is the steele you set it with ?

As bigge as a reasonable sufficient —

Mistris , my Maister would desire you to come in .

What ? she shall not come yet , if you lay down the bucklers you lose the victorie .

By my troth I must goe , wee shall haue such a coyle else .

No , what newes ?

No , I warrant ye , you neuer come abroad , this is to be troubled with a fatte man , he neuer comes abroad himselfe , nor suffers his wife out of his sight : yee shal euer haue a fatte Host , either on his bench at the dore , or in his chair in the chimney , & there he spits & spaules a roome like twentie Tobacco takers , oh fye on them beasts .

But I prethee what newes ?

Oh woman ! the moste hard fauourd newes , and without al conscience , they say there 's a statute made any woman that buries her husband , is not to marrie againe of two monethes after .

A teadious time by Lady , a month were enough .

I halfe a month , winter nights are long , and colde , i le tell ye , I haue buried sixe , and I thank my good fortune , I euer knewe the next ere the other was in his winding sheete .

Mistris , my maister is angrie , and the Guests cal for their Hostesse .

Goe , I come , Gossip when shall I see you agen ?

Nay , when shall I see you abroad , sildome i 'me sure .

I must needes away , God buy you Gossip .

God buy ye , Gods so , I haue forgot wherefore I came : a word ere you goe , the partie yee wott on commendes him vnto ye , he that met the other party in the white felt , the yellowe scarfe , and the round Venetian , when the other party kist you , and I broake the iest on him : when hee saide , kisses kindeles Coales , and loue searches .

Oh! I remember him , yes faith , hee 's prettie well set : hee ha's the right tricke with the tongue in his kisse , and hee dances reasonably comely , but he fals heauie .

He sauours of a kinde of Gallant , but not of a Courtyer .

Well , wee le haue a night on t , god be with ye Gossip .

God buy ye . Exeunt

And my good Lord , y' are happily met .

Heartily welcome : young Tullie welcome to , yee come wel to ease my charge , these Ladies finde fault with their Guardian , I goe too softly for them : old blood is stiffe , & young Ladies wil not beare with age : I resigne , I resigne to you that followe .

Why well saide my Lords , Soldiers will not flye indeede , I haue seene the day I could haue crackt a tree of yew , made my bowstring , whisper in mine care if they twang : tost my pike lustilye : t is since the siedge of Parthia , by th' mas a great while , I was lustie then , at the seruice was done there , yet I loue the discourse : come my Lord , I chuse your companye , leaue Tulley to the Ladies , he can tell them tales of Venus and Adonis , and that best pleaseth them . Now I must heere of raps and blowes , and Bils and Guns , and swords and bucklers : I loued it once , come , our Cookes are backeward , discourse will begette stomacks , y' are like to tarrie long for leane Cates. Exit

With interest of thankes to Cicero ,

Faith I like not this ods of female , an equallitie were better : yet of both t were fitter the woman should vndergoe the oddes , I had rather a said three men to one woman , then two women to one man : heere s Tulley addrest to Terentia , Terentia drawing neere to Tully : her 's smal comfot left for Flaeuia , wel gentles , i le leaue ye to the Goddesse : so ho my Lords , take me with ye .

Nor you of Tulley , come if you tel , i le blab .

But sweete Lady , Tully is not heere .

But Cicero is , his nere friend , that 's as good .

He was Lady , till hee changed his habit , by putting on the office of an vnskilfull Seruingman , intending to garde Terentia to her fathers house .

Then Flauia must gard her selfe : wel , vse good words , and good action , and stalke well before your Ladie , shee 's kindey faith , and a litele thing will please her .

Oh fye , t were an iniurie , I could brook my self therfore , i le leaue ye , but be breefe , stand not on pointes , cut them all first , & if ye fall to kissing , kisse not to long for feare ye kisse the post . Exit