I must confesse it is good Councell to haue Patience ; for Patience is a preety Vertue , but that it waits vpon a number of Villaines : But let mée tell you , if a man spend all the money in his purso vpon a company of vnthankfull Villaines , and when hée commeth to the bottome of his Purse , and there finding nothing . Intreateth with his friends ( as he hath held them ) but for an Ordinary or two ; and scoffingly put off , cannot get a Penny among them : What can you haue in all the rule of Patience ? onely fret at the heart to heare men say , I pray you be not Angry .

And yet let me tell you , That when Anger will not auaile him , it is better to be Patient , then Angry : for I haue heard it spoken by a Wise man . That he who cannot bee Angry , is a Foole : but hee that will bee Angry , is more Foole : For when I was ( as you said , and I may say ) in the prime of my time , I may say in the foolish pride of youth , when all the Gold in the Parish , was Copper to my Siluer : and my Wit was beyond Reason ; when I was the onely Foole of the World : Oh then ( to tell you ) I was ouer taken in the halfe turne , would make one runne out of his wittes , and into them againe if it were possible : for say this , If a man haue no deformity in his proportion , is no Wood-cock for his ordinary course of Witte , hath Wealth enough to liue by his Neighbours without borrowing , is of Parentage with the best of the Parish , is in the way of good spéede with a Match worth the making of : and leauing all honest wise , and good councell , forsaketh his Fortune , and binds himselfe prentice during life to an ill fauoured Baggage , the worst Child that her father had , whose beauty is like the backe of a sea-coale Chimney ; and for proportion , the true proportion of a sea-crab , as much wit as a gray Goose , and manners as a blind Mare , and no more wealth then the Wooll on a shorne Shéepe : besides , the issue of idle drunkennesse , which being grounded in all foollishnesse , can away with nothing but worse then nothing : whose tongue can kéepe no secrets , whose heart can thinke no goodnesse , and whose life is a world of vnquietuesse : and spight of his heart hauing taken hee for better or worse , ( when shée cannot well be worse , and will be no better ) must hold out his life worse then ten deaths with her : Say your selfe , that when a man thinkes of this misery , it would fret him to the very heart : But where is the remedy .

Oh! I pray you be not angry : For if a man should haue a Sister whome hée Loueth Deacely , whose Beauty with Vertue , were a Dowry for a Prince , her Linage Noble , her Personage comly , her nature kind , and her gouernment so discréet , that by the iudgement of the wife , we was a match for the worthy : to sée this blessed creature , by the crueltie of the Fates bestowed vpon the bastard sonne of a Begger , whose Father was a billaine , his Mother a foole , and he a Changeling : whose eyes were thrée foote out of his head , his nose too long for his month , and his skinne to wide for his face , his heade like a high-way with a little heath on either side , and his beard bending to the Ale-house , from thence came the originall of his little honor : and for his vnder proportion , an answering to the upper parts : whose wit was onely practised in villanie , whose hart studied but Hell , while his soule was sworn seruant to the Deuill : and yet this rascall Viper shall , onely with his golden I lawes , créepe into the hands ( for in the heart hée could neuer ) of a pretty Wench , and carry her a way into such a world of discontentments , that shée could neuer leaue sorrowing till shée had got into her graue . Would it not fret such a Brother as had such a Sister ; or chafe such a Louer as had such a Loue , to sée such an ouerthrow of his comfort , or confusion of his kind hope .

Oh! I Pray you be not Angrie : For Marriage and Hanging ( some say ) goe by destinte : and although Hanging is but a short paine , and marriage is a lingring misery , where disagreement is a deadly life : yet since wee cannot goe against the will of the higher powers , Patience is a playster , that will in time drawe a mans heart out of his belly , except hée haue more wit to gouerne his passion . But leauing loue toyes , let me tell you , that if a man finding by some old writings in his mothers chest , that his Father had Title to a peece of Land , which for want of a good purse , he durst neuer make challenge to it , and say that I were the man , and I by the witnesse of my honest ancient neighbours , can approue it in good conscience to be mine owne in right of Law ; and thereupon asking counsell , and paying for words by waight , and by my learned councell perswaded that it is mine past all plea. And thus playing with my Nose , or rather with my purse , till all be spent ; with Demurrs & tricks he drines me to beggery , with suing for mine owne right , while he goes gay with my money , and I starne with his words ; a vengance vpon his craftie conueyance . Would not this fret a mans soule to thinke on it , and cannot helpe it .

Now God forbid ; I pray you be not Angry ; for Law was ordalued for the best ; and though in all professions some are too blame , yet no doubt , but some haue such consciences , that they would not be corrupted for a kingdome ; but Courts must haue their fees , and Schollers must not study for nothing . But for that I am no good Lawyer , nor euer met with any bribes , I haue nothing to say to them ; but wish the wicked their reward , while the honest may take héede by their example : & so leauing them all to the day of their death , I will tell you of another matter .

Say that I had a friend , at least as I take him & louing him so dearely that I durst , nay I doe trust him with all that I am worth ; and being to take a voyage either vpon command or commodity , fearing some ill courses to be taken for my children if I should die , knowing women generally so sorrowfull for a lost husband , that they will not tarry long for a new ; and what fathers in law be to orphants , while widdowes sigh & say nothing , hauing ( in trust to my friend ) made a secret déed of gift of all my estate vnto him , the rather that my wife and children may fare the better ; and now I haue escaped many dangers by sea and land , and spoyled of all that I had with me , come home , hoping to finde comfort yet at my owne house with that I left behinde me ; and there no sooner entred in at the gate , but with a coy looke , and a cold welcome , I find my wife either turned out of doores , or so badly vsed within , that she could well wish to be without ; & then , if I take it vnkindly , be bidden mend it as I can ; and so with a frowne or a frumpe , almost thrust out of doores , be constrained to goe to Law for mine owne liuing , while my mistaken friend hauing turned Turke , cares for nothing but his owne commodity , & contrary to all conscience , playes with me for my owne money , till the Lawyer and he together , haue wonne me quite out of mine owne land and so play me the Traytor with my trust ; leaue me in the misery of my fortune , to end my vnhappy dayes ; Now can you say to this , I pray you be not Angry ?

Yes very well ; for since you see no remedy , but God is such a God in the world , as makes the deuil work many wonders among men , is it not better with patience to indure a crosse , thou to crucifie the soule with impatience . But say that you should haue a wife that you thought did loue you well , when shee would stroke your beard , and neuer lie from your lippes , and would speake you as faire as Eue did Adam , when shée cousned him with an Apple ; would not abide an Oath for a bushell of Gold , and be so sparing of her purse , that shée would not loose the dropping of her nose : bridle it in her countenance like a Mare that were knapping on a Cow-thistle : would weare no ruffes but of the smal set , though of the sluect Lawne that might be gotten , and edged with a Lace of the best fashion : would not abide no imbrodery in her apparell , yet haue the best stuffe shée could lay her hands on ; and feede sparingly at dinner , when shée had broke her fast in the bed ; and missed not a Sermon , though shée profited little by the word ; This dissembling péece of flesh , making a shew of lamentation , cut of the aboundance of her little loue , for lacko of your good company , if you were but a mile out of the Towne : & if you were to take a iourney , would lay an Onion to her eies , to draw out the Rhewme instéed of teares : & hauing eaten an apple , with pinching in a backward wind , send out a belching , sigh for sorrow of the absence of her Goose-man : and then after all these , and a world of other tricks , to bring a man in a bad beléefe of her good minde ▪ if you returning home a night sooner then expected , & a yéere s●●ner then welcome , should ( hauing Keyes to your owne Doores ) come in , and finde in your owne bed botwixt the armes ( I goe no lower ) of your too much beloued the liuing carkasse of a lubberly rascall , or perhaps the perfumed corpes of some dainty compation , working vpon the ground of your pleasure to plant the fruite of idle fancy , to the horne-griefe of your poore heart ; could you be pacified with , I pray you be not Angry .

Indéede you put mée to it , with an , If : But I hope there are no such women ; fie for shame , it were enough to make murder : but Patience being the meane to saue many a mans life , & that perhaps being the first fault , and shée vpon repentance after a secret reprehension likely to turne honest , were it not better to steale away , and haue her maid to wake her , the matter cleanly shuffled vp , and shée with sorrow rather to confesse it in secret , and to be sorry for it , and in shame of her fault to leaue it , while few know it ; rather then in a fury or franzy bring in your neighbours , raise vp your house , beate your wife , imprison the knaue , bring your wife to shame , and make the world priuie to your cuckoldry : and so shée in a desperate madnesse , either shamelesse after a little shame , or gracelesse in impatience to beare her correction , either cut her owne throate , or yours , or both ; and so all come to consension , through lacke of a little charitable discretion : No , God forbid , for rather then any such mischance should fall , is it not better to say , I pray you be not Angrie .

For to quit your discontentment , say that I should ( as God forbid I should ) haue married an honest woman , that hath brought mée many pretty Children , is a good huswife in her house , carefull for her children , and louing both to them and me ; and for the space of many yeares , with a good opinion of all her neighbours , and good credit with all that know her , had passed some score of yeares or two with mée , with as much contentment as a reasonable man might desire : & to make her amends for all her kindnesse , I should either take a whore into my house , or kéepe her as a hackney at , racke & manger abroad so long , till being led by the nose to beleeue that she loues me , when I pay for the nursing of halfe a dosen of bastards : of which , if I be the wicked Father , my conscience hath little comfort in : and if any other ( as it is most likely ) be the father or fathers , how am I beguiled to play poore noddy , to let my purse bloud , to pay for the maintaining of anothers pleasure ? And at the last , if she find me abridge my lyberality , in a venemous humor come with an outery to my doore , with a nest of her fellow beggers , and there with rayling vpon me , calling mée old leather , whoremonger , and I know not what ; lay her brats downe before my gate , & so with a gapeing mouth goeth her way leauing mée to my purse onely , to séeke the sauing of my credit , and so become a griefe vnto my wife , a sorrow to my Children , and a laughing stocke to mine enemies , a by-word among my neighbours , a shame to my selfe , and an enemie to mine owne soule : and thus séeing my wealth wasted , my credit lost or impaired , and God so displeased , that I know not which way to turne my selfe ; Shall I neither be Angrie with the whoore for bewraying me , nor with my selfe to let her so befoole me ?

No , I say as I did , I pray you be not Angry ; for shee did but her kinde , to vse her eyes to the benefit of the rest of her members : and therefore you being a man of iudgement , ought rather to be sorry for her wickednesse , then to shew your owne weakenesse , in such yeares to haue a thought of wantonnesse : but sure the flesh is weake , and the strongest may fall better is a sorrowfull repentance , then a fretting madnesse : and since fretting at your owne folly , to sell all the land you haue , wil not get you a foote of earth more then your graue , bee not at warres with your selfe to no purpose : cease from doing euill , make much of your honest wife , serue God in true repentance , and the Diuell shall doe you no hurt : for , is it not better to beare your crosse : especially , being of your owne making , then to run into further mischiefe by the wicked humour of impatience ? But to the purpose : say this , ( to quit you with another proposition ) put the case , that I being ( as you see ) a proper man , and in the way of good speed with a handsome woman , and shee in state able to doe for an honest man that would loue her , and make much of her , and I hauing intent to deale honestly with her ; and she giues me her faith and troth , and sweares by her very soule that I haue her heart so fast , that no man shall haue her hand from me : and I thinking that because shee is old , she is honest : and because she sweares , that shée saies true , goe about my businesse as she bids me for some few dayes , and then to returne to the ioyuing vp of the matter betwixt vs ; and in the meane time , after that I haue spent perhaps more then my halfe yeares wages vpon her in wine and sugar and good cheare , and hope to come to be mercy , come and find her married to a filthy c●●soning Knaue , who by a little more money then I had in my purse for the present ; to bribe another rascall like himselfe , who was the maker of the match , dwells in my hoped house , giues me the bagge for my money , and hath my fat old sow in such a snare , that there is no getting of her out againe : when I am thus handled for my good will , with this wicked old peece of whit-leather , to put my trust in an old hogs-stie for my habitation , and to bee thrust out of doores for my labour ; Shall I not be Angry ?

Oh no , in any case : for women haue wits beyond mens reason : especially , when they are past a child , or child-bearing , more then they that are past children . Oh , I tell you , it is a perilous thing to slippe occasion in matters of Loue : and age is either froward or fraile , & therefore you should rather haue fed her humour ful ere you had left her , then to thinke that she would bee vnprouided till you should come againe to her : And therefore I say , as you say ; I pray you be not Angrie . For I will tell you ; Say that I béeing a man euery way to content an honest woman , and hauing vnhappily bestowed my selfe vpon a woman of the worst kind , which before I married her , being neither widow , maide nor wife , but a plaine whore : and this misery of my daies , being by my follie brought to some better state then she was worthy : and séeing her selfe in a glasse growne fat through good fare and ease , & setting her countenance euen with the pride of her folly , beginning to thinke better of her selfe then halfe the parish besides , should chance vpon a little kindnesse , grow in loue with my kinsman , or he with her , and so they grow so great , that I should ●…nd like Iohn hold my staffe , while they take their pleasure : she should sit at the vpper end of the Table , and I at the neither end : she lie in one Chamber , and I in another , and yet must not finde fault with it for feare of a stab , or a figge , or some other villanie , but with a saming countenance beare all , as if pudding were the onely meate of the world , while one makes hornes at mee , another moes at mee , another calls mee cuckold , another wittall ; and I know all to bee true , and cannot , or dare not doe withall : Doe you thinke that flesh and blood can beare this , and not be angry ?

Yes very well , for , as you haue flesh and blood , so you haue wit and reason : and when your wit and reason can consider , how her trade brings more commoditie , and with lesse trauell then your trassique : if you be not so wilfull that you will heare no body speake but your selfe ; or so scornefull , that you can endure no companion in kindnesse : or so couetous , that you will not spare a penny towards the nursing of your neighbours child : or so proud , that you scorne the gift of a friend : you wil finde that such a wise is worth too Milch cowes : and whatsoeuer the world saies , you are beholding to none but her : and where others begger their husbands , she hath made you the head man of the Parish : and then , cannot you winck at a litle fault that is so full of profit ? Yes I warrant you and therefore I may well say , I pray you be not angry ?

True , it may be that some good asse that knowes not how to liue without the basest trade of beggerie , will put on any Patience for profit : but from such a rascall nature God deliuer me But to requite you with as good as you bring , let me tell you : If I should serue a man of great wealth , and hee haue a wenching humour , and hee kéeping more Maide-seruants in his house then euer meant to be true Virgins , & one of these wilde cattle , that for the price of a red Petticote would venture the lyning of her placket , should by a mischance of her Masters making , fall into a two héeld Tinpany , which could by no meanes be cured , without my consenting to a wicked marriage for a little money ; which I , by the villanie of the Trull , which would put the tricke vpon mee must séeme willingly to yéeld vnto , for feare of I know not what , to fall out I know not why : and so giuing a countenance of contentment ; to the confusion of my hearts comfort , when shee could be deliuered of this mischiefe , hoping that shee would meddle no more with any such matters , begin to make a little more of her then shee was worthy : and she thereupon so lustie , that thee cared not for the Parish so long as the Constable was her friend , giue entertainment to whom shee lust , and vse me as shee list ; set more hornes then haires on my head ; and care not if I were hanged for my good will : This rascal roundabout , without good complexion or good condition ; as ill fauoured as mannered , and so spoken as wicked : béeing thus voide of grace , carelesse of all credit , and irremoueable in her resolution for the wicked course of her life ; this ( I say ) hellish peece of flesh to dominere ouer me , and with the countenance of her master , to make a slaue of her good-man , who should be sent of errands , while she were with her arrants : I should fetch wine for their drinking , turn the spit to their roast-meate , or walke their horses , while they were sadling my Fillie : and yet all this ( and I say not what else ) I must beare , as though it were no burthen for a small reckoning at the weekes end for washing a fouls shirt , or setting of my ruffes right , or seething of a calues head , or making sauce to a tame goose , or for a nod of my Master , that makes a noddie of his seruant : for such and such like matters , to put vp all matters , and swallow griefe so in my throat , that it is ready to choake me in the going downe : Is it possible to doe all this , that you could be , I , and not be Angrie ?

Yes , very well : for profit is so pleasing , that it puts out a great many ill thoughts that would trouble a man that hath no wit ; and for honesty , it is a good thing I must confesse : But if a man be not borne rich , and keepes himselfe so , hee shall gaine little by simplifitie : and therefore as I said , where patience brings pro●t , I say still , beare with your fortune , and be not Angry . But leauing to talke more of female discontentments , let mee say this : That I being a man of sufficiencie to supply the Office of a good place , borne of a Noble house bred vp in all courses requisite for a Gentleman , haue trauelled diuers countries , séene much of the world by sea and land : and through want of my fathers discretion , not left so good a portion as may maintaine my reputation , without some better matter then mine owne estate , and driuen for my better comfort , to put my fortune vnder the fauour of him , whom I know not what hath made rich : and being onely wise in the world , hath no féeling of Gods grace , but by a thousand ill practises , findes the meane before his death to look ouer a great deal of more ground then his graue : and this Captaine of the damned crue , who is haled to hell with a world of chaines ; the son of a begger , & brother to a villaine , to gouerne ouer tho honesty of my heart with the commandement of euill seruice : or finding me not for his humour , to frowne on me like an old frying-panne : or torate me like a dogge , because I will not bee a Deuill : to bee employed in more vilenesse then halfe a Christian could endure to heare of : now I say , to spend my time in this misery onely for picking of a sallad , waighting at a trencher , looking on a faire house , making curtesie to an old relique , hold the bason to the rhewme , or hearing the inusique of a rotten Cough : and after many yéeres patience in this purgatory , where all the wisedome I haue learned , were but to corrupt the nature of a good wit , either for a trifle to be frowned at , & by tricks to be wrought out : or with a liuery without a badge , to seeke my fortune in some better soile , to haue serued long for nothing , or for worse then nothing , when discontentments must be cancelled , and I for feare of a mischiefe , must speake all honour of dishonour , and with a merry goe sorrie , sigh out my dayes that are no better blessed : when I shall see a foole graced , and better wits put downe : honestie scorned , and knauery in more account then commeneable : and I consening my selfe with an imagination that seruice was an heritage , where I found nothing but losse of time & repentance ; Haue I not cause , thinke you , with all this , to be Angry ?

And yet I say ; I pray you be not Angry : For , if you had so much of the grace of God , as to make you rather leaue the hope of preferment , then yeeld to an ill imployment , no doubt but either your priuate life will finde some secret contentment , or your patience will finde somewhere aduancement of your vertues : and therefore rather be ioyfull of Gods blessing , then impatient with your fortune ; and thinke not amisse that I say , I pray you be not Angry . But to requite you ; Say that I hauing more money in my purse then a wise man would part with , but vpon the better reckoning , should be perswaded to play the vsurer , and so with little reward to make my money multiply , & by the cunning working of a cunny catching Knaue . I should be brought ( in hope of gaine ) to take in pawne for my mony , some lease of a good farme , or péece of rich plate : which being not fetche by the day of payment , would returne mee more then double my money : put my money out of my hands , which I haue fared full hard to get together , and I at the day glad of my forfeit , hoping to gaine more then a good conscience would away withall , finde my lease not worth a point , by a former deede of gift , or such a conueiance as carrieth all away from my fingers , and leaue me ( for all my cunning in the Law , ) to pleade repentance to my folly : or my plate challenged for some peece of pilferie , and I brought to trouble for I know not what , and to get out I know not how , till I haue brought my stocke to a poore state , where I may sée the iust reward of vsury , when I looke in my purse , and find nothing , Would not this make one Angry ?

Not a whit : for knaues will bee knaues , and fooles must bee bitten ere they will be wise : of which if you be none , no doubt but there are enough in the world . And since all the Anger in the world will not recouer a penny losse , let me say to you , as you say to me ; I pray be not Angry . And let me tell you , that vpon a time it was my hap to haue a friend ( as I thought ) whom I loued dearely ; and building vpon the care of his conscience , that for a world of wealth he would not play the Iew with mee : it fell out that I hauing more then a moneths minde to a wench aboue a yeare old , whose worthinesse euery way might command a farre better seruant then my selfe ; and yet it had so fallen out betwixt vs , that our affections were so setled , that I thought ( without death ) there could be no remoue : and therefore fearing no fortune , relying so much vpon her loue , louing ( as I said ) my imagined friend more then a wise man should do ( for there is a measure to be kept in all things ) made him acquainted with my secrecie , touching the intent to steale away my Mistris from the place where she had no pleasure to be kept in , as she had béene long like a chicken in a coope : and to the performing of this purpose , hoping to haue vse of his best helpe , deliuer him a ring , or a iewell of some value , to present vnto my loue , when I know his meanes better then mine owne , to haue accesse vnto her without suspition : and he after a world of protestations sealed with too many oathes , to deale so faithfully , carefully , and secretly for me as my heart could desire , when faith there was none , nor care of me , nor secrecy , but in kéeping all from me , when like a dissembling Iew , be vseth my iewell for a meane to rob me of my better iewell : when he presented it as from himselfe , and reuealing some matter of secrecie betwixt vs , vnpleasing to her , and nothing to my profit , with inchanting tearmes winnes her affection , and borroweth my money to cut my throate , till hauing carried away my mistris , he either laugh at me , or write me a letter of excuse to collogue with mee : When I thinke how with trusting a Knaue , I haue played the foole , in conscience say , if euer man would fall out with himselfe , haue not I cause to be angry ?

No : for as you said to me , Knaues will be Knaues ; and in matters of loue , he that will not be the follower of his owne cause , may hap to bee ouerthrowne in his owne suite : and to looke for constancy in a woman , especially of yong yeares , when bribes and gifts are able to worke great matters in those courses , it is a meere folly : for , say that some are ( I know not how many ) as constant as Penelope , yet let Danac take heede of a golden shower in her lap : and therefore , I pray you be not angry . For let me tell you , to be deceiued by a friend , it is an ordinary matter ; to loose a wench , it is a thousand mens fortune : and therefore since she was so fickle to trust to , think her better lost then found : and for him , get your golden iewels & your money from him , and let him walke with his wicked household-stuffe : and let me tell you of a discontentment of minde . It was my hap ( I may say my ill hap ) to cast my affection of late vpon a very proper young man , of a pure complection , neither effeminate , nor course faced , neither of lethersellers , nor painters company , but a good feature and well coloured : and for his countenance , neither Paules-steeple height , nor with the fall of the tide ; but carried in so good a measure , as shewed his wits no more out of order then his members : for his hoyce , neither Treble nor Base , but a good meane : and his speech neither Rhetoricall , nor Logicall , nor Tragicall , nor Colasticall ; but such , as neither too litle , nor too much , answering directly to euery question : and speaking necessarily vpon good occassion , wan him such commendation for his discretion , as increasing much my affection , made mee ( as I thought ) vpon good iudgement , make him a great subiect of my contentment : in briefe , I singled him out of company , to make him my companion , tooke him into my house , bestowed bountifully vpon him , let him not want any thing that was néedfull for him : my table to dine at , a faire chamber for his lodging , yea & sometime made him my bedfellow , furnished him with money , horse , apparell , bookes , and credit for whatsoeuer he would demaund : yea , and in mine absence trusted him with the gouernment of my whole house ; till my fauour b●ed in his folly that , at the first I saw not , such a presumption of his owne worthinesse , as I liked not , when controulling euen my selfe for a trifle , himselfe to blame in the selfe same nature for a greater matter , thinking all too little that was done for him , and vrging more then was méete for him : at last not able to suppresse the veneme of his pride , till his hart made his head swell as bigge as a cods-head ; in recompence of all my kindnesse , playe● false with my seruant maide , steales away my eldest daughter , robs my cofers , troubles my conscience , crackes my credit , befooles my wit , and doth what hee may to seeke the ruine of my state ; Is it possible that a man could thinke of such a villaine , and not be Angrie ?

Yea very well ; and I say vnto you : I pray you be not Angry : For , still Knaues will be Knaues ; and a man had neede eate a bushell of salt with a man , before he grow too farre to trust him : for hee was a worlding , and out of the simplicitie of your honesty , thinking him to be bee that he was not , might learne him to trust his like , or any at all , at least with your house , your daughter , ( if you haue any ) or your seruants , if you keepe any : and hauing patience with your lacke of iudgement , doe for your daughter , as you haue cause in nature and reason , and pray in charitie for his soule , what euer become of his carkasse : and since ( I hope ) you will take this for no ill councell , I say as I did , I pray you be not Angrie .