Strange nevves out of diuers countries neuer discouered till of late, by a strange pilgrime in those parts.

STRANGE NEWES OVT OF DIVERS COVNTRIES , Neuer discouered till of late , by a strange Pilgrime in those parts .

IN a strange Land , neuer found out till now of late in this present time , there was a kind of people that had great heads and litle wits , & strong bodies , but weake hearts . The men were onely knowne by their shapes from monsters , and the women onely by their tongues from pictures : the aged spent their time most in wearinesse , and the youthfull in wantonnes : their Cities and Townes were of ancient buildings ; their houses large within , and without beautiful , many roomes richly furnished , and with many pictures but few people : their gardens and orchards so full of flowers and fruites , and so finely dressed , planted and pruned , and weeded , that it seemed they made their pallaces their Paradise : for by their hellish courses it seemed that they thought of no other heauen .

Nature being ( as it were ) the goddesse of their worship , when supernatural was too high for their capacities their apparel of diuers colours according to the varietie of their humors their Churches like shops , and their wares bables ; their inuentions Apish , and their fashions foolish ; while their wisdome going no further then the world , kept them from the wealth aboue the world . Their language more full of eloquence then truth , and their actions of more craft then conscience . Their Priests reade a language , that often gauelleth their owne vnderstandings ; and their Religion is without rule of grace . Their deuotion is full of darknesse ; for they cannot see in the day time without a candle : and their prayers are by the dozen , when if they miss-tell one , they thinke all the rest lost . And for Saints , they haue so many to serue , that the diuell wil not let them come at God .

Meetings they haue many , vpon small matters . Their musicke is most in a Iewes trumpe , and their dances are all without measure . Feasts they make many times , when their flesh is Guls , and their fish Gudgeons .

The rich are for the most part couetous , and the poore patient : for punishment is much more common then charitie . Cuckolds they haue in communitie ; for they are not so wise as to account of honestie : and for wittals , they haue it growne to such a custome , that it neuer troubles their conceit . Their wooing is like bargaining ; for their purses make their matches : and iealousie so holds in loue , as kils the comfort of kindnes ; when the agents for flesh , breake the order of fasting dayes .

Warres they haue seldom , and their quarels most vpon the cup ; their great Ordinance are Pot-guns , and their small shot halfe Cans . Their fields are commonly cellers , where they are so ouercome with kindnesse , that their forces are all ouerthrowne . When they are to trauell , they haue horses , but most of them Hobbies , which commonly they buy at Faires for small prices : and some few Hackneys , that are such T●●s , that they will start at euery Butterflie , and fall downe ere a man be well mounted . Their riding is without spurres ; for their Nagges are willing enough for their way .

Asses they haue many , which beare great burthens ; and when they haue laboured them all day , they walke them at night ; and they feed them poorely . Their dogs are commonly little ones , and they are most of them called Fancies , which when they grow olde they knocke them on the heads . Cattell they haue store , and most of them Cowes ; for there is hardly a house without a Calfe : and Swine a world ; for euery Stie hath a Sow or two in her . Birds they haue many , but their chiefe pleasure is in Wagtailes , that are pretie fowles , and euer pidling in water plashes . Cuckoes they haue great store , but they sing onely in May ; and Parrots very many , that talke strange things in their languages : and Cock-Sparrowes so many , that they can scarce find Hens for their treading . Duckes and Geese in abundance , and they breed out of measure . Other birds they haue , as Tittimouses and Robin Red-breasts , Larks and Buntings , which were often caried to the markets , and bought for small prices . Ringdoues they had many , but Turtles very few . Exercises they haue many but chiefly wrestling , when they haue more foiles then faire falls . Sometime they vse riding of the wilde Mare , shooing of the Goose , and sho●ting at the Conie . Hunting they vse little , but to finde a Hare at squat , a Doe at laire , a Foxe in a snare , a Mouse in a trap , a Woodcocke in a springe , or a Blackbird in a pitfall .

Some strange trickes they haue to get mony with , as to make a Begger speake like a Lord , a Foole like a wise man , a Cobler like a Captaine , and a boy like a wench ; but that is but for a time ; for when the date of the letter is past , the counterfet is conceiued , and the Metamorphosis returneth to his owne shape . When there are any burials , they mourne much ; for the youthfull , because they die so soone ; for the aged , because they liued so long : for the wise , because there is so few left ; and for the foolish , because they want companie : for the rich , that they had no more for them , and for the poore , that they might haue prayed for them : wiues for their husbands , because they are vnprouided of new ; husbands for their wiues , because seldome comes the better : parents for children , because of the losse of hope of their goodnesse ; children for their parents , for losse of hope of the more goods . But their mournings were not long , for they lasted not so long as their apparell ; for out of sight , out of minde ; and they knew they must liue by the liuing , and not by the dead . The mony-men are very couetous , for they will not lose the scraping of a kettle ; and the women are very miserable , for when they make broth , though it be very thin , they will not lose the dropping of their noses . For the yong things , they are as wanton as kitlings , for they will play with a mouse , till they haue wearied her of her life : and for the aged , they are so melancholik , that the youthfull haue no pleasure in them . For Louers , they are so foolish that they will weepe if they haue not their wils ; but if the Groome get his Bride , he will so pranke it , and she so prinke it , that while it is hony Moone there wil be such ioy , as if Summer should neuer heare of Winter . Languages they haue not many , and few that speake one wel : and for learning , it is most in obseruation ; for as the Gander goes , the Geese follow . Their husbandrie is most in turning vp of fat earth ; and their corne is Rie and Oates , which they sow in the Spring , and reape in the Fall . Diseases they haue not many , for labour sweates out ill humors but for their women they are ful of qualmes , especially when they haue declined with the masculine gender .

Their trafficke is much for trumpery , and if they saue their stockes whole , they thinke they haue made a good market . Their Aduentures are fearfull , for they endanger the body for the soule : and their mindes are so fantasticke , that their wits are like weathercocks . Friendship they regard not , but take it as they finde it : and for loue , it is so light , that they know not how to take hold of it . They haue among them certaine Fortune tellers , which vse commonly among fooles : and for knaues , they are so cunning , that they go vnder the shadow of honest men . Some odde shauers they haue among them , called Die Doppers , whose diuing or dopping somtimes proues deadly ; for they will diue so closely into your pocket for your purse , that you can hardly see them till they be vpon the gallowes . Other kinde of close mates there are , that cary Rings in their mouthes , to keepe their tongues within their teeth ; and they are called Squiers , but they are onely of the order of the Apple : their names are often recorded in a Court of Correction , where the Registrer of Rogues makes no little gaine of Rascabilians . Other kind of subtill companions there are , which are called Setters , which finding yong heads that are too narrow in the browes , will feed their humors with such follies , as may either bring them to beggery , or in the height of an idle braine , for words aboue wit , breake the backs of their estates , or send them to heauen in a string . Now these , they say , are great with the Diuell , for they do a great deale of mischiefe in the world : their names are onely found in the notes of destruction , for by their hellish courses they sell themselues to damnation . Other kind of knick-knackers there are , which betwixt knaue and foole can make an ilfauourd passage through the world . Schollers they haue many , that are perfect in the home-book , who when they were yong , were taught their crosse-row , and to spell and put together , before they could well reade .

They had moreouer a kind of Rimers , which were great proficients to the Players and Pedlers , which are the fooles of Poets , for they taste little of Poetry , more then the last two letters : but for the pot , they may well challenge that badge , for it is the maintainer of their Muses . Now among all these , they haue a kinde of Naturals , which get the start of better wits , for they are prouided for the backe and the belly , without care or labour ; and somtime haue accesse where better braines are barred out : and if they be she-fooles , they are kept fine and cleanly , to come and play with children and aged people . But among all these , it is set downe ▪ that there is one great foole of their owne chusing , that for a certaine time hath the commandement of most part of them , who during his time may do very much in little matters ; who with his copesmates , hauing in his hand the staffe of smal strength , and willing to shew the greatnesse of his little wit , for to make a Stable of his gouernment , to the subiects of his Supernoditie , set downe certaine Articles to be obserued and carefooly to be lookt vnto , as they would answer it at their pleasure , and those scarce worth the printing ; yet were to be read in Markets , Faires , Wakes , and merrie meetings , vpon such dayes as should be thought fit for such a purpose .

First , that no sword should be carried before any of his Magistrates , for all should be obeyed for good fellowship . Secondly , that no man without legs should haue armes , lest a coate without sleeues should make a Iacke an Apes a Gentleman . Thirdly , that no man should keep two men in one Liuery , lest the coate should not be fit when it came to wearing . Fourthly , that no man should blush at the telling of a lie , because it was more common then truth . 5. No man must commit any secrets to a woman , lest it burst her heart before she haue reuealed it . 6. No man must kneele to a dead image , while there is one aliue for the purpose . 7. No man must go on foote if he may ride , lest his horse be founderd in the stable . 8. No Landlord must let his trees grow too long , lest they proue dotards . 9. No widow must be afraid to marry , because one man may be like another . 10. No man must die for loue , lest a Goose graze on his graue . 11. No man must denie his neighbours Goose his Gander , for feare of wanting Goslings at Goose Faire . 12. No tradesman must be idle , for feare his wife be oue●busie● in prouiding for implements . 13. No Sea-man must keepe his frigot vntrimd , lest she lose the opportunitie of a good voyage . 14. No man must be iealous of his wife , for feare it should not be without cause . 15. Euery childe should know is owne father , if he could . 16. Euery woman should know her husband from another man , if she likt him . 17. No foule woman should weare any Mask , for feare of abusing the hope of beautie . 18. No faire woman should be painted , lest Art should put downe nature . 19. Euery woman must keepe close her husbands secrets , for feare of losing the comfort of her knowledge . 20. Women must be honored for their wit , when they make fooles of the wisest men . 21. Women must be pited for their trauell , for they take more paines in bearing of one childe , then a man doth in getting of twentie . 22. No man must be too learned , for feare he be thought to coniure . 23. No man must be too wise , lest he be troubled with too many fooles . 24 No man must marry a scold , for feare he disquiet his neighbours , and be put to the height of his patience . 25. No man must lend any mony , to thinke euer to haue it againe . 26. No man must borrow more then he can pay , for feare of the losse of libertie and credit . 27. No man must meddle with an Vsurer , for feare that interest eate out the whole stake . 28. No man must grow inward with a theefe , for feare of execution after infection . 29. No man must build castles in the aire , for feare they breake his necke in the falling . 30. No man mustly open his wiues secrets , lest she commit them rather to a wise friend then a foolish husband . 31 No man must leaue an old friend for a new , for feare he lose by the exchange of his credit . 32 No wise man must marry a foole , lest shee waste his goods , and corrupt the perfection of his capacitie . 33 Beggers must keepe from the Alehouse , for feare they drinke out the reuenue of charitie . 34. Rich men must not counterfet pouertie , lest the thiefe discouer the truth of their dissembling . 35. No man must be wise in his owne conceit , lest he proue a foole ere he be aware . 36. No man must talke to himselfe as he walkes , lest he be thought to be mad , or making verses . 37. No Bankerout must purchase land , lest hee be thought to cozen his Creditors with his breaking . 38. No man must conuerse with a witch , for feare he go to the diuell by Atturney . 39. No man must put his land into mony , lest the Bankerout runne away with his inheritance . 40. No man must cary two faces in a hood , for feare that the diuell be in one of them . 41. No woman must crie when she weepes , lest it be thought more for curst heart then any other cause . 42. No man must haue two wiues , lest one proue too much to be well managed . 43. No meetings but for meriment . 44. No bargaines but for a bag-pudding . 45. Friends must not fall out . 46. Neighbours must be friends . 47. Patience was neuer angrie , and quietnesse was a goodly hearing . 48. Fathers darling and mothers nowne childe , must be brethren and sisters children ; and cousin Varmins remoued , must trust to the world as they finde it .

These were the chiefe Articles agreed vpon among his Ninnihammers , which being published among poore fo●l●s , were kept as well as they could hit on it .

Now to the purpose , such a Commonwealth for a dog , being gouerned by Apes and Asses , the great Foole of all must needs be a strange beast , and yet in the shape of a man he walkes strangely through the world : and one thing among other he hit on strangely to saue charges in charitie , hee tooke this order for beggers , that rather then they should lacke lodging , they should sit in the stockes , and in stead of almes perswade them to fasting , because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer .

This little worshipful Iohn a Nods , in stead of a mistaken gentleman , hath bin in his youth brought vp in learning how to reade ilfauouredly , and to write worse , and yet with much adoe , after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer , and the Clerke of a country Church had taught him to write a Copie or two , and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie , he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of olde stories , that he bought at the second hand out of the Librarie of little learning , some few bookes of his mothers language , which hauing kept long in an old chest did now serue him for his Librarie : which bookes sometime asse he was able to finde idle time , which at the best is little better , he would now and then take out of his course cabbinet , and reade by peece-meales as it came into his addle braine : the names whereof , as I found them set downe , were these , I meane chiefly those whom his little vnderstanding tooke most pleasure in : Presidents of Imperfections , Newes of no importance , and Labour in vaine .

And first for Presidents of Imperfections :

He that would put out his eyes , because he would see no vanities , would be a blind man , and so an imperfect man .

He that would cut out his tongue , because he would tell no vntruthe , should be a dumbe man , and so an imperfect man .

He that would cut off his hands , because he would take no bribes , should be a lame man , and so an imperfect man .

And as of men , so of women .

A maide is no perfect woman , because without the helpe of man , she is onely called a Maide , and not a woman .

A widow is an imperfect woman , because with the losse of her man , she loseth the title of a woman , and is onely called a widow , but not a woman .

A barren woman is no perfect woman ; for a woman was created to increase an multiply : till therefore she haue brought forth children , she is an imperfect woman , except the fault be in the man , and then he is an imperfect man , to put such imperfection vpon a woman .

A whore is no perfect woman ; for euery woman is either a maide , a wise , or a widow ; and being neither of these , she must needs be a monster , and so an imperfect woman .

A painted woman is no perfect woman , for all women by nature are either faire or foule : but if an artificial faire be set vpon a foule complexion , it makes but a speaking picture , and a picture is no perfect woman .

These and such like were his Presidents of imperfections , which for his poore instruction he would take some idle humors to bestow his blind sight vpon .

The next booke was intituled , Newes of no importance , which I found set downe as followeth .

First , in the Gulfe of small grace , neare to the coast of Comgligrande , vpon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth moneth , in the strange yeare of foule weather , it is said , that in the passage boate betweene Verola and Gon●ria , two dangerous places for infection , the boate entring into the Lake of Lasciuiousnes , a very vnwholsome harbor , with ouercharging the vessell , perished a great number of poore people , who bringing but common ware to the market , and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great misse of them , for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them , and therefore being Newes of no importance , they serued onely for a tale of a tub , to exercise the braines of such a Hogshead .

Secondly , from the land of Vnluckinesse , in the citie of Sinfulnesse , it was reported that Sir Henrie had land , Sir Lawrence litle wit , and Sir Ninny nothing worth , three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse , men of infamous memorie , after that they had runne through the courses of expences , without euer hope of recouerie of either coine or credit , going in the gulfe of Canavery , to see a Beare hunt a wilde ducke , fell by chance into a But of Malligo , where they were drowned horse and foot : what became of their Funerals , or Epitophs vpon their deaths , hauing no matter in their liues to be recorded , I can say nothing , but that the Newes being of no great importance , it is no matter for their passage out of life , but for feare of their passage to no better ; and so let them go , and as many fooles as will follow them .

Thirdly , in the Iland of Saint Elfe , the great Ladie of little worth , which was no lesse kinde to her neighbours , then readie to entertaine strangers , and for her recreation had set vp many May-poles in diuers places neare to her dwelling place . Now for her diet , she vsed most to feede vpon such morsels as most fitted her appetite , especially such nourishing meates as best agreed with the constitution of her complexion ; when in an idle humour one euening she was so busie with a Lobstart , that with a surfet vpon the same , she fell quezie stomackt , and so inflam'd her blood , that she grew fantasticke , and in a few nights after set many of her Maypoles on fire , and in a little time after , with the extremitie of passion , fell into the Falling sicknesse , which in a short time brought her carkas into a consumption , and so in a few dayes after into her last lodging in the earth : but for any great memoriall of her , I reade nothing , but that in her life time she had the breaking vp of youth , who since her death haue continued their course to their vtter condemnation ; but since that for any matter of great note , more then that shee was a notorious peece of pedlers stuffe , the newes being of no importance , it is no matter what became of her .

4. In the valley of Saint Grineums , the great Lord of Lo●zie bush , venturing to ride late in the night , and not seeing his way , fell into a deepe bog , where he was so bemir'd , that with a cold after a heate , he caught such a relapse , as that many of his copartners in his passages were greatly afraid that he would fall into a consumption both of bodie and goods : a great infirmitie , and hardly to be helped . But hearing no matter of worth in the man , nor any thing , but that he liued in all vnworthinesse , and died nothing worth ; the newes being of no importance , it is no matter what became of him , onely as a Lord of Langdebie●e , let him be well boiled , and serued in a messe of Bruesse at a beggers table , and so let him go .

5. From the coast of Careaway neare the Cape of ill Hope , there came newes of a little Knight of great valour , Sir Walter whet whistle , who was of that force , that whosoeuer encountred with him , if he stood long with him , in the end he was ouerthrowne Now there dwelt neare him one Sir Dogbolt Driebread , who did oftentimes make a roade into his countrey , and vpon a time set vpon him with all his Forces , thinking at vnawares to surprise with him ; of which an euill neighbour to them both , Sir Swines head Great swallow hauing intelligence , with his armie came vpon them both , and so stoutly followed his fortune , that he tooke them both prisoners in the field , and made them both Tributaries to his greatnesse . Whether the newes be true or no , it is of no importance , and therefore onely fit for the great Foole to feede his humour withall .

6. In the vnknowne Iland , some twelue thousand miles from the great Bay of Port de Pouero , where the watrie monsters keepe their Court vnder water , it is reported , that in that Land were great store of flesh , but little wholesome for the vse of man , sauing onely Hares and Conies , which well dressed would now and then serue the ●urne for a strong stomacke : For most of their other beasts were Foxes , Wolues , and Badgers and Polcats , which were the spoile of many yong Lambs and sucking Rabbets , yea and sometime of elder Game . They had also in that country great store of Foule and birds of diuers fethers , but few of them wholesome or toothsome , as Dawes , Rookes , Crowes , Night rauens , Shrich Owles , Cormorants and Guls , which feed vpon Lambs , Rabbets , Mice , Wormes , Fish , Carion and Garbidge , but few of them whose flesh was fit to be serued at any Table of account ; but among many other Fetherd creatures , they had many balde Buzzards which fed much vpon Titrimouses and hedge sparrowes , which were no sooner out of the hedge , but they would be vpon them , and sometime so ouergorge themselues with them , that with foule feeding and ouerfeeding , they would fall flat on their backes , with their heeles vpward , so weake and faint , that euery Crow might haue a picke at them .

Now the Traueller into that country , who brought the newes from thence , being vnhappily by ill weather cast vpon that coast , and finding little or nothing to trade for , that might giue him hope of any gaine , hauing vpon a cold night lien watching at a Coniborough , and scarce well , and wearie , in the morning making haste to get on boord , with a fit gale for his purpose , put out of an ill harbour , and gate roundly to sea , and safely returned home againe , sauing that he gat such a numnesse in his ioynts and stiffnesse in his elbowes , that he could scarce put his hand to his head , to take off his hat at the deliuery of his trauell Of which hearing nothing worth any thing , being of no great importance , I found it serued onely for an idle Foole , to fit the great humour of his little wit .

7. In the Iland of A Merricat , vnder the Equinoctial line , in the Straits of Margerian in a swift current between the Lake Maudelina and the mouth of the riuer of Allitia , by reason of certaine vnwholesome vapors that arose out of certaine Sulphurous mines neare vnto the sea , diuers passage-boates perished , or grew so rotten , that if any of the passengers made shift to get home again , though with losse of their ware , and danger of their liues , yet neither they nor the vessels were euer fit for any good emploiment , or to any seruice of worth ; but being likely that either they were olde vessels that could abide no foule weather , or some small Barkes that were swallowed vp in some swelling billowes , since the certaintie thereof is not yet knowne , and being doubted that some of them haue bin hotly shot at betwixt wind and water , till the returne of the next Gazette , there is little to be said to it ; and being newes of no importance , it may passe for a Fable among the like fancies to fit the fancie of such a Foole .

8. From the Desert of Arabia it was reported that the people of that country liue strangely , neither by trade nor trafficke , fishing nor fowling , nor yet by cheating nor cozening , but by plaine theeuing ; so that betwixt them and the Turkes there is such hauocke with killing and spoiling , that the poore Friers in diuers places among them or neare vnto them are in pitifull feare of their liues : a great deale of land they haue , but ill inhabited , and Fruit trees but few , and the Fruit very watrie , and of little or no good nourishment . They are commonly well horsed , and weaponed for Bowes and arrowes , darts and swords , but Peeces few or none : and therefore being no matter of importance , the newes are not worth the noting , more then that it is a wonder that they should haue a King among them , that may be called the King of theeues : For being all outlawes , they must haue a strange kind of gouernment , which it should seeme is but during pleasure .

Now to these and such other toyes , hee had some odde discourses of Labour in vaine , which were not many , but as they came to my hands I haue set them downe , which were as followeth .

1. In time out of minde , when Beasts and Birds could speake , and windes could whisle wondrous things , there was in a strange country a great bird like an Eagle , that flying vp and downe in diuers places of the world ▪ espied by chance a far off a faire bird like a Phenix , vpon a high rocks , sitting among a number of faire Foules and sweete singing birds round about her , but she sat in a great maiestie aboue them all : now this other great bird in his pride scorning all birds but himselfe , and enuying the greatnesse of this faire blessed bird , called a councell of his kites together , to find out some deuice or other , wherby to seeke the death and ouerthrow , not onely of her , but of all the goodly Foules and sweete birds about her . Much talke there was how to bring this matter to effect , and the better to set it on work , before the enterprize was attempted , the great Bird sent out certaine Buzzards as spies to flicker about the coast of the country , where the faire bird kept her high flight , who being returned with matter of such maiestie , as bred increase of malice in the heart of the proud bird , he standing so much vpon his strength , that he thought no bird should be able to beare a fether in his frowne , commanded forthwith a number of cages to be made , in which he put a number of Peacocks , woodcocks , Dawes , Rauens and Crowes , Guls and Kites , to make warre with this faire Bird and her Fowles : which were no sooner put to sea , but a chattering Pie in all places where she flew , cried , Victorie , victorie : but hauing passed along the Seas , neare the coast , they were encountred with such a flight of braue birds , as put the cages with all their forces to such a flight , as so draue them vpon the rocks and sands , that few of them were able to get home , with the hard newes of their heauie fortune : but when the great Birde beheld the wofull spectacle of his drouping flight , hee fell into such an agonie , through a passion in his disgraced pride , finding his labor all in vain , stoupt his traine , hung downe his head , and shortly after turned vp his heeles . And thus ended his discourse of Labour in vaine ; a tale of a tub without head or foote : and therefore , like a Fable of the Foxe and the Goose , I leaue it to the Gander with whom I found it .

2. In the Iland of Terra Lorida , a place of great merchandize of small wares , neare the chiefe Citie of Nullibi , in an vniuersalitie , in stead of an Vntuersitie , where Schollers were as ill read as taught , there was a deepe studient in the secrets of Nature , which labouring much to bring all to nothing , wrought day and night for the Moone-shine in the water , when hauing spent both time and meanes , to worke wonders out of imaginations , finding Nature not so subiect to Art , but to keep her owne power in all properties , when his fire lacked fuell , his eyes were ouermatched , and a long hope of great substance went away all in smoke ; and while he laboured to marry the Sunne and the Moone together , there was such a cloud betweene his wit and the light of wisedome , that he could effect nothing to his purpose ; and that with the stone of Philosophie , many braines had bin beaten long , and the head nere the better , with a great deale of griefe , and little hope of amends , walking one day to the Sea side , and studying how to find out the cause of the ebbing and flowing of the sea , but neuer able to finde it out , saw as it were a vision , or rather some conceited apparition of a man lading of water into a pot , which though it was full and ranne ouer , yet he still laded in water : when this little well learned Scholler wondring at his worke , asked him what he meant to do ? quoth he , As you doe , Labour in vaine ; and so vpon the sudden vanished out of his sight , and left him so perplexed , that with very pittie to see the passion of the poore man , I awaked .

3. In the old time when Hobgoblin and Robin good Fellow made country wenches keepe their houses cleane ouernight ▪ for feare of walking spirits should get into their chambers , and ere they were aware slip into their beds , and get them with child before morning . In a country village called Lobkin the large , there dwelt a plaine dealing man , who with his wife a good breeding creature , with eating of Mummada pudding and the inward of a beast , with the helpe of a pot of Ale and Ginger , found the means to fill the world with beggers : the poore man hauing passed many dayes in no small purgatorie with her intollerable tongue , which would call him by many more names then belonged to a Christian , sought all the meanes to bring that vnquiet creature into some more peaceable course , pleasd her humor in all he could , but all would not suffice , but an Eios hawke would euer be prating ; but when she was either at iacke or at feeding ; so this tatling gossip that tooke a continuall pleasure to heare her selfe speake , though seldome to any good purpose ; the poore man so tired out with trying all meanes he could to stay the ringing of this house bell , and finding his labour all in vaine , resolued to put on such a patience as was past all vnderstanding , and to let her talke till she was weary , which could be neuer while she had breath , and letting her haue her swinge till he could no longer suffer it , knowing a day appointed when they should ride to a Wake or a wassell , a merry meeting of gossips and their Assebands , her Mare that she vsde to ride to market on , being then in the stable and fed with the best hey and oates , to please his Dame , but little to her knowledge kept her from water a day and a night before she was to ride : but when the day came , and she was mounted and vpon her way , it fell out that they were to go through a deepe riuer , where the Mare greedy of water to quench her thirst , as almost or rather stronger headed then her Dame , ranne into the deepe , and stumbling in a hole , floundring out with much ado , threw her into the poole , and with much ado saued her selfe . When the poore man looking backe and not hearing her speake , who all the way before neuer held her peace , but was euer finding fault with the ill setting of her pannell , or the raines of her bridle , or the shooing of her neere foote , because she would now and then trip somewhat low , and so with one thing or other be euer finding fault to keepe her tongue wagging ; but when he could not heare her speake , and seeing onely her clothes appeare a little in the water , after he had got out his Mare , called for helpe to get out his Dame , in a maner dead ; which being layed on the bank , and the water powred out of her belly by her mouth , she gaue three or foure gasps , and opened her mouth as if she would haue spoken : whereat the poore man affrighted , started , and falling backward , me thought fell vpon me , and therewithall I awaked . And thus ended the dreame of the Labour in vaine , to quiet an vnquiet and an intollerable Scold .

Now this great Foole had also in his Librarie , in the bottome of his olde chest , certaine Poeticall , or rather potticall Dreames put into time , but for reason , more then for naturall capacities , I find little ; yet such as they were , and fitted the humour of his noddle pate , as I found them after his death , left for a Legacie to his cousins Loblollies , I thought good to set them downe in maner and forme following .

And first , A Dreame of a Monkey and a Bee . A Kind of Bee ( me thought ) did get into a Monkies eare , Who was more half horn mad to heare her kind of humming there : He pickt , he puld , he clawd , he scratcht , he mopt , he mowd , and cried , As if his vgly Mastership would presently haue died . But as the Bee came creeping out , he caught her by the wing , Who for his labour in his hand did leaue a cruell sting : Wherewith enrag'd , be eate her vp ; but yet did feele such pain , He wisht his hand were well , and she were in his head againe : When such a face the Vrchin mads , with such a rufull looke , That with a laughter at the iest , I suddenly aw●●ke .

A Dreame of an Oister and a Crab. VPon the shore neare to the Sea , an Oister gaping wide , Ley looking for a little food to come in with the Tide : But hard by lay a crauling Crab who watcht his time before , And threw a stone betweene the shels , that they could shut no more . The Oister cride , Ho neighbours , theeues : but ere the neighbours came , The Crab had murtherd the poore fish , and fed vpon the same . When wondring that such craft did liue with creatures in the deepe , With troubling of my braines withall , I wakt out of my sleepe .

A Dreame of a Foxe and a Goose. A Foxe came to a Gooses pen , where she all brooding sat , And like a Gossip sought with her to haue some friendly chat : And askt her how she did , and how her swelling grew so much , And he would helpe her if that he might but her temples tuch . I pray , quoth she , put in your head , that I may heare you speake : Yea , thought the Foxe , I le teach the Goose and Gander how to keake . When putting in his head , a dog that closely hidden lay , Did quickly catch him by the snout , and pluckt a peece away . When home ran Rainard to his bitch that lurked in his den , And told her that the Goose had bit his nose off in the pen : Out slaue , quoth she , get out of doores , doest thou come bleeding hether ? And say a Goose bit off thy nose , and bring home nere a fether ? When laughing at this mad conceit , my thoughts so ran vpon , I wakt and saw nor Foxe nor Goose , but all were fled and gone .

A Dreame of a Iack an Apes , Buls , Beares and Dogs . ME thought within a Bearards charge , among the dogs and Beares , A sudden Mastiffe set them all together by the eares : The Beares vnmuzzld , dogs vnchaind , they fought and roar'd & cride , Some ran away , and some to death the bloody quarell tride . The Bearards scar'd to heare the noise , came out with clubs and staues , The Master came out after them , and calld them carelesse slaues : When in among them brake the Bull , in midst of all the fray , And as he met them , with his hornes he tost them euery way . The master Berard gat him home , away the Bearards ran , And Iack an Apes came onely in , to play the gentleman , Who skipping vp vpon the Bull , so bit him by the eares , That he had more ado with him , then either dogs or Beares : For , to their house the Beares gat home , the dogs in kennell coucht , And neither dog , nor bull , nor beare , that one another toucht : But Iack an Apes vpon the Bull did so bestir himselfe , That I awakt with laughing at the knauery of the Elfe .

A Dreame of a Chough , a Pie , and a Parrot . ME thought I saw a Cornish Chough stand chattring with a Pie , Dishuting on their colourd coates , which had the purest die . The Pie she spake of iet and snow , and pitch , and milke and chalke , Of blacke as inke , and lilly white , and thus her tongue did walke . To whom the Chough replide , who knew what stuffe was best to hold ; What left would staine , and what would best abide both heate and cold ; Spake onely for the Russet coate , which country maidens ware , Good huswiues and good husbandmen , and such as thriftie are : And how it makes the souldiers clothes , and Courtiers winter weed , At lest such as vpon their clothes will spend no more then need . But as they thus did chattring stand , a Parrot in a tree , Cride , Hah , hah , hah , ye foolish birds , be still , and looke on me : Behold the colours of my coate , how gay I am and fine ; Your Russet , and your blacke and white , are Liueries vnto mine . With that the Chough cride , Haw , away , and Magpie chattring , cride , Let vs away , this is some witch , or wanton child of pride ; Or else some stranger , that so much vpon his colours stands , And bring in gaudes for giddie heads , to make them sell their lands . With that the Parrot spide a foole , and flew downe to his fist . Who strokt her fethers , calld her loue , and her most kindly kist . Whereat the Chough in feare or chafe , away did take their flight : And with their stuttring I awakt , and all were out of sight .

A Dreame of three Cocks and a Hen. ME thought I saw two dunghill Cocks were fighting for a Hen , And by them stood a right bred Cocke put vp within a pen : Their gils were both as red as blood , their heads were both bent downe , And neither of them but did beare a cocks combe on his crowne : But as they spurd , it seemd their spight was nothing neare to death , They strucke so seldome , and twixt blowes they tooke so long a breath : The Hen did cackle ( as it seemd to laugh ) to see the sight : When Chaunticleere in chafe to see so base a coward fight , Put ope the pen doore , and flew out and beate them both away , And trod the Hen , and crow'd to shew how he did end the fray ; And with his Hen he walkes and crowes with such a lustie cheere , That not a crauen Cocke durst crow , at least , if he were neere . With that the Cock-master came in , or he that kept the pen , Tooke vp the Cocke and put him vp , and shought away the Hen. When to her came the dungbell Cocks when Chaunticleere was gone , Who chucking laught within his pen , his sport to thinke vpon , And crowa so loud , that with the sound , the Crauens were afright : And I awakt out of my sleepe , and all were out of fight .

A Dreame of a Ducke and a Goose. ME thought I saw a little Ducke into a brooke let loose , Who in his pride did offer to swim wagers with a Goose : The match was made , the Gander keakt to see the Ducke so catcht , And thought her but a simple thing to be so ouermatcht ; And on they went , but in their way , the Ducke with diuing skill , When that then Goose did looke for her , would be afore her still : The Goose was strong , the Ducke was quicke and nimble in her art , So much that many a Foule did feare to take the Gooses part : But ere they came vnto the place to win or lose the match , For feare the Ducke with some odde craft , the Goose might ouercatch , The Gander ran vnto the Cranes and Cormorants , and praid , Before the match was won and lost , the wager might be staid : Who being sent for , quickly came before the greater birds , Who bad them on their loues and liues , to listen to their word : And that all quarels might haue end , that had bin brought in thither , It was agreed the Ducke and Goose should kindly swim together : With that the Gander keckt for ioy , the Ducke as fast did quacke , And I with laughing at the sport , out of my dreame did wake .

A Dreame of a Swan and a Goose. ME thought I saw a faire cock Swan that had a hen Swan such , As if a Swan knew how to loue , he could not loue too much : For she was faire and smoothe and white , and to her cocke as true , As any creature of her kinde , or any bird that flue : He trod her oft , and had by her a faire and kindly breed , And in the streame they kindly did together swim and feed : But in a mistie day by chance a Goose came swimming by , And at the Swan did seeme to cast full many a wanton eye : He trod her , and along the streame away with her went he , And left his Hen , a thousand times a goodlier bird then she . But when the owners of the Swans did come their birds to marke , And like good birders kindly knew a Bunting from a Larke : Seeing the Goose swim with the Swan , they tooke her by the necke , And gaue her such a twinge that she scarce able was to kecke ; They pluckt her bare , and cut her wings , and after let her go , And let her Gander aske the cause why she was handled so : But as she swam a buzzard kite did beate at her so sore , That with her keaking I awakt , and saw the Goose no more .

A Dreame of a Bucke casting of his hornes . ME thought I saw a gallant Bucke had newly cast a horne , Which made him seeme a goodly beast when it was brauely borne : And rubbing of the other horne which did disgrace him so , That of a faire and goodly beast , he did ilfauourd grow : He lost the beautie of his head , and his defensiue armes , Which both did grace him , and oft times preserue him from great harms . Now as I will beh●ld the Beast , me thought a Keeper came , And said , My friend , now may you see how nature hath her shame , Of beautie and of armes at once to leaue him naked so , That now among his gallant mates he hath no heart to go : But if it be such valour be and beautie in a horne , Why should they blush that beare the horne ? and haue it so in scorne ? When smiling at the sudden ierke , and closing of the iest , I wakt , and 〈◊〉 it but to be a vision of a Beast .

A Dreame of a Peacocke and an Asse . ME thought I saw within a field , where I along did passe , Two creatures that each other fac't , a Peacocke and an Asse : The Peacocke spred abroad his taile , the Asse set vp his eares ; The Peacocke leerd vpon his traine , the Asse did licke his heares : But at they thus each other brau'd , the Asse began to bray , Wherewith the Peacocke sore afright did take her flight away ; Wherewith the Asse did smile that he his valour did so trie , That with a word but of his mouth he made the Peacocke flie : But when the Peacocke sang his song , he scared so the Asse , That he to go as all amaz'd , he knew not where he was : But what with tone and tothers noise , they did such musicke make , That I awakt out of my dreame , and glad I was awake .

A Dreame of a wilde Boare and a Huntsman . ME thought within a Forrest wide I saw a great wilde Bore , Who as the common people said , annoid the country sore : He brake into their fields of corne , and spoild their Wheate and Rie , And rooted vp their pasture grounds , and on their Pease would lie , Tore vp their hedges , rend their pales , and spoild their gard●●s grounds , And when they set their dogs at him , would kill their little hounds : When from a high wood issued out both men and dogs apace , And with a crie of mastiffe curres did take the Bore in chase , Who scouling set his bristles vp , and champed with his chaps , And with his tusks vpon the ribs , full many a curre he claps , And ouer hedge and ditch he goes , and all the chase withstood , And fumes and fomes and suuffes as he were master of the wood : But close behind a tree there stood a Huntsman with a dart , Who twixt the shoulders and the rib did strike him to the heart : When vp the Bore turnd both his heeles , the Huntsman all came in , And all the mastiues and the curres did such a crie begin , And such a shout the people made , as if the aire had rent , Wherewith I wakt , and marueld what this kind of hunting meant ,

FINIS .