The Northern Lass Brome, Richard This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A16924 of text S106713 in the English Short Title Catalog (STC 3819). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. Martin Mueller Incompletely or incorrectly transcribed words were reviewed and in many cases fixed by Madeline Burg This text has not been fully proofread EarlyPrint Project Evanston IL, Notre Dame IN, St.Louis, Washington MO 2017 Distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License A16924.xml The northern lasse a comoedie. As it hath beene often acted with good applause, at the Globe, and Black-Fryers. By his Maiesties Servants. VVritten by Richard Brome. Brome, Richard, d. 1652? 48 600dpi TIFF G4 page images University of Michigan, Digital Library Production Service Ann Arbor, Michigan 2005 October (TCP phase 1) 99842425 STC (2nd ed.) 3819. Greg, II, 463(a). 7075 A16924 2240886415

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 The northern lasse a comoedie. As it hath beene often acted with good applause, at the Globe, and Black-Fryers. By his Maiesties Servants. VVritten by Richard Brome. Northern lass Brome, Richard, d. 1652? [92] p. Printed by Aug. Mathevves, and are to be sold by Nicholas Vavasour, dwelling at the little south dore of St. Pauls Church, London : 1632. 1632

Signatures: A-L4 M2.

Reproduction of the original in the British Library.

 A16924 shc The Northern Lass Brome, Richard Madeline Burg 1629 play comedy shc no A16924 S106713 (STC 3819). 96 36316 0 0 0 182 0 0 49.37 D The rate of 49.37 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the D category of texts with between 35 and 100 defects per 10,000 words. Incorporated ~ 10,000 textual changes made to the SHC corpus by Hannah Bredar, Kate Needham, and Lydia Zoells between April and July 2015 during visits, separately or together, to the Bodleian, Folger and Houghton Libraries as well as the Rare Book Libraries at Northwestern University and the University of Chicago

THE NORTHERN LASSE , A COMOEDIE .

As it hath beene often Acted with good Applause , at the Globe , and Black-Fryers . By his Maiesties Servants .

Written by RICHARD BROME .

Hic totus volo rideat Libellus . Mart.

LONDON : Printed by AVG. MATHEWES , and are to be sold by NICHOLAS VAVASOVR , dwelling at the little South dore of St. Pauls Church . 1632 .

The Persons in the Comedie . Sir Phillip Lucklesse , Contracted to Mistresse Fitchow the Citie Widdow . Master Tridewell , Kinsman to Sir Phillip . Iustices ; Mistresse Fitchows friends . Sir Paul Squelch Master Bulfinch Master Widgine a Cockney-Gentleman , Brother to Mistresse Fitchow . Anuile , a Braggart , Governour to Widgine . Master Non-sence a Cornish Gentleman , Suiter to Constance . Pate , a witty Seruingman to Sir Phillip . Beauis , a blunt Seruingman to Mistresse Traynwell . Howdye , Mistresse Fitchows man and Gentleman Vsher . Vexhem , a Constable . Cleark to Sir Paul . Masquers . Mistresse Fitchow , the Citie Widdow . Constance , the Northern Lasse . Mistresse 〈…〉 Governesse . Con . Hold up , a cunning Whore . Chambermayd to Mistresse Fitchow .
TO THE RIGHT WORTHY AND NO LESSE IVDIcious then ingenious Gentleman RICHARD HOLFORD Esquire . SIR :

RIch Friends may send you rich Presents , while poore ones haue nothing but good wishes to present you . Though I bee one of the last ranke , and therefore cannot doe like the first , yet it is my ambition to bring more then bare wishes with me , to one of whom I haue receiued reall favours A Countrey Lasse I present you , that Minerua-like was a brayn-borne child ; and Iouially begot , though now shee seekes her fortune ▪ Shee came out of the cold North , thinly clad : But Wit had pitty on her ; Action apparrell'd her , and Plaudits clap'd her cheekes warme . Shee is honest , and modest , though she speake broad : And though Art neuer strung her tongue ; yet once it yeelded a delightfull sound : which gain'd her many Lovers and Friends , by whose good liking she prosperously liued , vntill her late long Silence , and Discontinuance ( to which shee was compell'd ) gaue her iustly to feare their losse , and her owne decay . Wherefore shee , now , destrous to settle her selfe in some worthy seruice ; And no way willing ( like some of further breed ) to returne from this Southern sunshine , back to her natiue Ayre ; I thought it might become my care ( having first brought and estrang'd her from her Countrey ) to sue , with her , for Your noble Patronage ; of Whom , shee heares , ( if Flattery abuse her not ) shee hath , heretofore , gotten some good opinion . Your loue to witty , and pleasant Recreations of this nature hath brought her on : And Northern Spirits will soone wex bold . If you be pleased to accept of her , shee will travaile no further ; but , together with my selfe , remaine

Euer at your seruice , RIC. BROME .
To my old Faithfull Seruant : and ( by his continu'd Vertue ) my louing Friend : the Author of this Work , M. RICH. BROME . I Had you for a Seruant , once , Dick Brome ; And you perform'd a Seruants faithfull parts : Now , you are got into a nearer roome , Of Fellowship , professing my old Arts . And you doe doe them well , with good applause , Which you haue iustly gained from the Stage , By obseruation of those Comick Lawes Which I , your Master , first did teach the Age . You learn'd it well ; and for it , seru'd your time A Prentise-ship : which few doe now a dayes . Now each Court-Hobby-horse will wince in rime ; Both learned , and vnlearned , all write Playes . It was not so of old ▪ Men tooke vp trades That knew the Crafts they had bin bred in , right : An honest Bilbo-Smith Would make good blades , And the Physician teach men spue , or shite ; The Cobler kept him to his nall ; but , now Hee 'll be a Pilot , scarce can guide a Plough . BEN. IONSON .
To his approued Friend M. RICHARD BROME on his Northern Lasse . WHat ! wilt thou prostitute thy Mistresse , ( Friend ) And make so rich a Beauty common ! What end Do'st thou propose ▪ Shee was thine owne , but now All will enioy her free : 't is strange that thou Canst brooke so many Riualls in thy Lasse , Whose Wit and Beauty does her Sex surpasse . I 'ue learnt it ; Thou hast tri'd her , found her chast , And fear'st not that Shee 'll lewdly be embrac't : And now thou sendst her to be seene , and see If any be like faire , like good as Shee . F. T. Mag. Art . Oxon.
To his ingenious Brother M RICH. BROME , vpon this witty issue of his Brayne , the Northern Lasse . ALthough I call you by a Brothers name , I must confesse ( nor doe I feare the shame ) I am in loue with your faire Daughter , this , As faire condition'd as her Father is . Well met abroud , blithe , bonny , Northern Lasse : Thy naturall Beauties , others farre surpasse That are enrich'd with Fucusses of Art , Thy witty sweetnesse beares so faire a part . Not a Good woman , nor a Girle worth Gold , Nor twenty such ( whose gaudy shewes take hold Of gazing eyes ) shall in acceptance thriue With thee , whose quaintnesse is superlatiue . Dick may be proud shee 's Daughter to no other ; As I am proud that I haue such a Brother . St. Br.
Of Mr. RICHARD BROME his ingenious Comedy , the Northern Lasse , To the Reader . POets and Paynters curiously compar'd Giue life to Fancie ; and atchieue Reward By Immortality of Name : So thriues Art's Glory , that All , what it breathes on , liues . Witnesse this Northern Piece . The Court affords No newer fashion , or for Wit , or Words . The Body of the Plot is drawne so faire , That the Soules language quickens , with fresh ayre , This well limb'd Poëm , by no Rate , or Thought Too dearely priz'd , being or sold , or bought . IOHN FORD The Authors very Friend .
To my Sonne BROME and his . Lasse . WHich , then of Both shall I commend ? Or Thee ( that art my Sonne and Friend ) Or Her , by Thee begot ▪ A Girle Twice worth the Cleopatrian Pearle . No : 't is not fit for Me to Grace Thee , who art Mine ; and to thy Face . Yet I could say , the merriest Mayd Among the Nine , for Thee has layd A Ghyrlond by ; and Iieres to see Pied Ideots teare the Daphnean Tree ; Putting their Eyes out with those Boughes With which Shee bids me deck thy Browes . But what I bring shall crowne thy Daughter ( My Grand child ) who ( though full of laughter ) Is Chast and Witty to the Time ; Not Lumpish-Cold , as is her Clime By Phoebus Lyre , Thy Northern Lasse Our Southern proudest Beauties passe : Be Iouiall with thy Braynes ( her Mother ) And helpe her ( Dick ) to such Another . THO. DEKKER .
To his knowne Friend Mr. R BROME on his Northern Lasse . MY Loue may wrong thee , Friend ; and , should I praise Thy Booke , I feare 't would stayne the wreathing Bayes That crownes thy Head : No , they that know , can tell This Piece craues not a bribing Prayer to sell . Here 's Beauty , Wit , and Language in a Glasse . Who would not haue a Copy of this Lasse ?
Prologue . GAllants , and Friends-spectators , will yee see A strayne of Wit that is not Poetrie ? I haue Authority for what I say : For He himselfe sayes so , that Writ the Play , Though , in the Muses Garden he can walke ; And choycest Flowers pluck from euery stalke To deck the Stage ; and purposeth , hereafter , To take your Iudgements : now He implores your laughter ; Sayes He would see you merry ; thinks it long Since you were last delighted with a Song . Your Bookes , he sayes , can shew you History ; And serious Passages better then Hee ; And that He should take paines in Act to show What you already by your Studies know Were a presumption . T is a Modestie Vn-vs'd 'mongst Poets . This being onely Hee That boasteth not his worth ; and doth subscribe Himselfe an vnder-seruant in their Tribe . Yet though he slight himselfe , We not despaire , By him , to shew you what is Good and Rare .
THE NORTHERN LASSE .
Act. I. Sce. I. Enter Sir Phillip Luckles . Tridewell . Tri.

BVt I beseech you sir , Take me somewhat nearer your Councell . May I assure my selfe , that this report goes true ; that you are on this treaty of Marriage with that Widow ?

Luc

Faith cosen , I take it as my fortune ; and am fully bent on the aduenture .

Tri.

Troth in my mind , you were better venture your selfe , and fortune to the Bermudas . T is true , shee has a good estate : some nine thousand , I thinke : and were an apt match for one that knew how to governe it , and her ; some hard bred Cittizen , crafty Lawyer , or countrey Iustice . But you , a tender Nurseling of the Court , altogether vnmixt with such nature or education , to cast your selfe vpon her , who for her yeares might be your Mother ( they say : I never saw her ) and has beene the Towne widow these three yeares , still conversant with Doctors , and Proctors of the civill Law ; of which Tribe her husband was too . Never looke to bee the better for her Riches : Shee 'll consume yours and you too ▪ though your backe were Herculean ; and lay you in your graue , or in Bedlem ( my life on 't ) before she dreame o' dying , though it be all that you can hope , or pray for , after Mariage .

Luc.

You speake sir out of some vnfortunate examples , and your extraordinary care of me . But truth is , all deswasion comes too late ; and all vrgings against it are now vncharitable : For wee are already Man and Wife .

Tri.

What married !

Luc.

Lustily promis'd sir . Absolutely contracted .

Tri.

Send you ioy . I le out of Towne .

Luc.

I hope you 'll see our Mariage . I sent indeed to bid you .

Tri.

No , good sir Phillip , rather then I would be in sound of a Bell that should ring at it , I would haue my braines fillipt out with the Clapper .

Luc.

Nay good cosen : I intended you my principall Guest . Wee 'll haue all very priuate : not aboue foure or fiue friends more .

Tri.

Sir , I intend to bee none of your Mourners , which indeed my presence there would make mee ; and so , perhaps , infect the rest . I leaue my best wishes to you , and will indeauour to pray for you . Indeed I will .

Luc.

Indeed this is very abrupt .

Act. I. Sce. II. Enter Anvile , Widgine . An.

Mr. Tridewall ! well met . Why so fast sir , I tooke you for a Foot-post .

Tri.

A Foot-post ! Indeed your fine wit will post you into another world one of these dayes , if it take not the whipping post i' the way . And why Foot-post , in your little witty apprehension ?

An.

Because you went so fast . But since you are angry , I would you were going twise as last . If I interrupt you , hang me . D ee heare ?

Tri.

Nay I know you are apt to decline any mans anger , good Captaine Anvile : you haue beene beaten to 't .

Wid.

Why , if he haue , hee may thanke such as you are , that can endure no iest .

Tri.

What are you there too ? Mr. Widgine , I take it ?

Wid.

My name is Walter Widgine sir , not to be denyed ▪ the only brother here of sir Phillip Lucklesse his betroth'd . She is a Widgine borne sir , and of the best family : Our Ancestors flew out of Holland in Lincolnshire to preuent persecution .

Tri.

From Crowland , I warrant you , a little before a Moulting time .

Wid.

Like enough sir . My sister can tell you . Since , by marriage , shee was made a Fitchow : Her husband was Fitchow the civill Lawyer ; Hee was call'd the great Cannonier of the civill Law : because he could dischardge or make report of euery Canon therein ; Canon after Canon , or Canon vpon Canon at his fingers ends , as readily as I can tell these peeces .

Tri.

A faire Demonstration !

Wid.

He had many rare parts in him , besides sir , as my sister can tell you .

Tri.

This fellow cannot chuse but haue a rare sister : Hee quotes her so !

Wid.

But all the good I can speake of him is , that he left my sister rich ; or at least a reasonable estate , halfe a score thousand pounds or so : which shee , with her selfe , bestowes vpon this honourable knight sir Phillip Luckles , to bee a Lady ▪ of that name , and God gi' him ioy . And for you : being his kinsman , I shall desire your neerer acquaintance .

Tri.

In good time sir .

Wid.

The match was not altogether her owne seeking sir , though she refus'd two Aldermen for him , on my owne knowledge .

Tri.

Might shee haue had 'hem both sir ?

Wid.

I and halfe a score Aldermens fellowes to boote : yet refus'd all for him .

Tri.

In deed sixe yoake of such cattell would plow vp all his acres in a forenoone .

Wid.

My sister can tell you more sir .

Tri.

Still shee is his Authority . I will see this woman . Sir Phillip , here are Guests will applaud your match . Bid 'hem welcome ▪ God buy .

Ex. Wid ▪

For my part I honour any Man , that marries my sister . Sir Phillip , and my noble brother in expectation , I pray embrace my Governour , Captaine Anvile , here ; and giue him and me our gloues : you shall find him worthy your acquaintance . Hee has wit , I can tell you ; and breakes as many good iests as all the Wits , Fits , and Fancies about the Towne , and has traind vp many young gentlemen , both here , and in diuers parts beyond the Seas . Hee was dry nurse ( that 's one of his owne iests vpon himselfe ) to the English youth , a dozen yeares together beyond Sea : And now he is my Governour , and I find profit in it : you cannot thinke what an asse I was before I met with him : And I meane to trauell with him , two or three yeares hence , my selfe . In the meane time , he shall spend a hundred a yeare out of Wat Widgines purse . Sha't ●faith Governour , what aylest thou ? art thou not right ?

Anv.

I shall find a time to right my selfe , I doubt not .

Luc.

But will you trauell at these yeares Mr Widgine ?

Wid.

Will you not call me brother ? Two dayes hence when you haue married my sister , you must . Must hee not , Governour ?

Anv.

Yes an 't please him .

Wid.

Hee ayles something .

Luc.

Well then , Brother two dayes hence , will you trauell ?

Wid.

I some two yeares hence , mistake me not . I know I am but young yet : besides I meane to marry first as other young heires doe . And then towry lowry , faith , my noble Governour , and I ! T will be braue going into France then : I may learne halfe their fashions before I goe , and bate so much , being taught at when I come there . What s the matter Governour ? thou wert not wont to bee thus . Is thy money all gone ? Here s fiue peeces to buy pomps against my sisters wedding .

Anv.

Haue I eyes and eares , and can thinke of trifling Money matters ?

Wid.

Pox on 't I had forgot . That sciruy surly gentleman angerd him ere while , and put him out of patience . How the hot fome of his rage boyles out at his Mouth ▪ If I durst goe so neere the heate of him I would skim the pot .

Anv.

If I try not this Tridewell ; put him to the dearest tryall of his life . —

Wid.

I there t is , he will never come to himselfe till he beat , or bee beaten .

Anv.

Let me haue these knockd out ; these puld off ; these pluckd out , and these sawd off .

Wid.

I must venter on him . Nay Governour : pray thee consider . —

Anv.

The time and place you meane . Thinke you hee durst haue done it , but in his kinsmans house ; hee and the multitude of his seruants present .

Wid.

I , and wee know not how many arm'd men in the next roome . Hearke Governour .

Luc.

What things are these ! I shall marry into a fine stocke ! How vntimely some considerations fall into my mind ▪ My Cosens councell , which hath ever beene oraculously good ; against which I violently beare my selfe , to mixe my blood amongst a race of fooles . Had but these thoughts beene mine but one day past , they had preuented all that may proue dangerous in this , so great and doubtfull vndertaking .

Act. I. Sce. III . Enter Pate , to Luckles , Widgine , Anvile . Pa.

Sir , there 's a gentlewoman would speake with you .

Luc.

Who is it ? Doe you not know her ?

Pa.

I never saw her before sir . I askt her name . But I perceiu'd some displeasure in her looke ( whether it were shame , griefe , or anger I know not ) that made her conceale it : Only telling me shee was a woman very hurtlesse , and warrantable against your feare .

Wid.

I warrant t is my sister . Shee frownd , did shee not , and look'd fightingly ? If shee did , 't is my sister , your wife that shall be . Shee will looke so at you , I can tell you , or me , or my Governour , for all he is a Captaine . Shee feares no colours I faith , to tell you true , shee beate him once for a iest he broke vpon her Monkey . Is it not shee , thinkst thou ?

Pa.

No sir it is not shee . I know my Lady that shall be .

Wid.

My Lady that shall bee ! how sweetly it chimes . Here s something for that word .

Luc.

Goe bring her vp . Good brother Widgine , fly into the next roome , with your Governour . I le waite on you presently .

Ex. Pate . Wid.

My Lady ! And brother Widgine ! I must admire . Our house is rays'd by this two stories higher . —

Ex. Wid. Anv. Luc.

There 's no recalling time ; and vowes of this high nature are no triffles .

Act. I. Sce. IIII . Enter Mistres Trainewell . Tra.

Sir I suppose you are sir Phillip Luckles .

Luc.

I am the man Lady .

Tra.

And you are shortly to marry a Citty Widdow , one Mistresse Fitchow ?

Luc.

Most true .

Tra.

For whose deare sake you purchas'd a foure hundred pounds knighthood , to goe a woing in : out of which shee is to giue nine thousand pounds for a Ladiship for terme of life .

Luc.

What meane you Gentlewoman ?

Tra.

Sir not to scold , or brawle , ( a vice to frequent in our Sexe . ) But , in few words ( and ciuill ones ) to make you sensible of a little of that infinite iniury , you haue done to one , whose vnvaluable portion of vertue makes her fit , ( besides the right shee has already in you ) to take a brides place , before your later choyce , or any shee , whose wealth might weigh downe hers . You stand as if you knew not who I meane .

Luc.

Nor what neither . Sure my name 's abus'd .

Tra.

Pray sir bethinke your selfe . Has there not beene a former contract made betwixt you and some other .

Luc.

No . Nor any faithfull promise neither .

Tra.

That I may well beleeue , when you forget it .

Luc.

I pray speake nearer to my vnderstanding : whom may you suggest to be the woman so much forgotten ?

Tra.

If you haue soule , or sense , you must remember her : No ? Read then her name subscrib'd to that .

Luckles reads . If pitty , loue , or thought of me , Liue in your breast I need not die . But if all these from thence be fled ; Liue you to know , that I am dead . Constance .

Farewell good Constance . I am sorry I haue no further for thee .

Tra.

Doe you know that name sir ?

Luc.

Yes Lady so well , that I am sorry , that a gentlewoman of your good seeming should haue to doe for so light a peece of vanity . Leaue going o' the devills Errants : His kingdomes large enough , and too much peopled already .

Tri.

Pray sir , are you in sober earnest ?

Luc.

I good faith am I .

Tra.

You are vnhappy then . For you shall loose , in this disdaine of yours , more honour then your life time in repentance can recover . So fare you well sir .

Ex. Tray . Luc.

Farewell old Whiskin . Slid I le marry out o' the way ; t is time I thinke : I shall bee tane vp for whores meat else . Constance ! shee had a Bastard tother day too . What a mischeiuous Maw has this shee Caniball that gapes for mee ! Slight a common Trader , with I know not how many ! I maruell shee was left out of Cupids Muster . Sure shee bribd the Ballat-maker : One that I haue paid at all times too ; here s one , there 's tother ▪ And now shee heares I am towards mariage pretends a claime to mee . And what a Minister shee had procur'd ! A Divell in a most gentlewomanlike apparition . It had beene well to haue pumpd her . Is shee gone ?

En. Pate . Pate .

Who sir , the Gentlewoman ? I put her in her coach .

Luc.

Her Coache ! Coaches must needs bee common , when their cariages are so . By this light , Oliver , a Bawd ; a very Bawd . Where 's my brother Widgine , and his Governour , Anvile ! They are wholsomer company o' the two , yet .

Ex. Pa.

A Bawd I Blesse my Masters wits . But the best is , if hee be mad , there 's that at hand will tame him , or any man : A fine Cooler , call'd Mariage , to take his batchelors button a hole lower ! Can it bee possible ? Shee might ha' beene Mother o' the Maydes , as well , to my seeming ; or a Matron , to haue traind vp the best Lady Daughters in the Countrie . Here comes her Man , againe .

Act. I. Sce. V. Enter Beavis , to Pate . Be.

Is sir Phillip Lucklesse i' the house still sir ?

Pa.

Are you the Cock-bawd to the hen was here , ere while sir .

Be.

Are you mad , or are you drunke sir ?

Pa.

Come you to bargaine for a Punke sir ? Faith where 's the meeting ? Wher 's the Supper ? at the Bridgefoot , or the Cat ? or where is it ?

Be.

Nay then sir , though your Master be allowd to measure his manners , by his pleasure , here , on his owne yard , I le bee bold to pull you out on 't by the eares , and beat you into better fashion .

Pa.

Hold , hold . Pray hold a little sir . I cry you mercy . I might bee mistaken . I see thou art a good fellow . I haue halfe a dozen for thee faith . S'foot what big words and terrible action he has ! Is this the Bawds language ? Pray pardon me sir : I haue beene overwatch'd of late , and knew neither place , person , not what I said at the instant .

Be.

Indeed ?

Pa.

I sir , t is an infirmity I am much troubled withall ; a kind of a — betweene steepe and waking — I know not what to call it . I would giue twentie nobles to bee cured on 't . I pray take it not ill sir ; I vse any man so , when the fits on mee , till they throughly wake mee .

Be.

What as I did now ? by the eares ? Are you come to your selfe enough yet ? or shall I helpe you further sir ?

Pa.

No , t is very well now I thanke you sir . Alas I put my Master to the paines , twise or thrise a weeke , I assure you , to my griefe .

Be.

A very strange disease ! How might you get it ?

Pa.

Faith I fell into 't first , with a conceit I tooke for overbuying a bargaine of Drinke . Your businesse with my Master sir ? I pray .

Be.

Onely to speake with him from the Gentlewoman was here eene now .

Pa.

I shall acquaint him with it .

Be.

I shall be your seruant .

Pa.

I pray pardon my error .

Be.

And you my boldnesse .

Ex. Pa.

O not so sir . Well master Pimp I haue a plot vpon your imployment , as brauely as you carry it . I know he is a Bawd by his out-facing . And I doe humble and disguise my Manhood to worke on him by policy : And if I put not a fine slurre vpon him for all his braue brauados , then Oliver Pate has no braines ; nor is there any difference betwixt a Seruing-man and a Pandar . —

Ex. Be.

What a Trim-tram trick is this ? the Master and the Man both brain-cras'd ; as the one vsed me , so did the other my Mistris . But I haue brought this into a kind of civill sense againe . Doe wee looke like Bawds ? There is some strange ground for this mistaking . I am sure shee has ever beene reputed a vertuous Gentlewoman ; and has now the governement , and bringing vp of a Virgin , of a most hopefull goodnesse . And I thinke , I know my selfe ; and dare beat any Man into a better construction of my quality .

Ent. Pate . Pa.

Now wit , and bee thy will ! Sir , my Master desires to bee excused : for he is with some friends , on priuate busines , concerning his Mariage ; which is to be to morrow . But sayes , if it please you to meet him in the Euening , betweene foure , and fiue , in the great Pallace ; and conduct him to the Gentlewoman , hee will attend her with his best seruice .

Be.

Betweene foure , and fiue in the Pallace : but how shall I know him ? I neuer saw him .

Pa.

As I wish'd : But you may easily . Hee is of a comely stature ; and will be in a red cloake and a white Feather , Besides I le waite on him .

Be.

I thanke you sir .

Ex. Pa.

Fare you well sir . Good Foist , I shall make a Whiskin of you now , and for nothing too . I haue beene a little bold with my Masters name in this answere ; the knowledge of which he is vnguilty of . I saw how he shifted her off : Therefore I will further bee bold both with his name and person , which I will put vpon a friend in store . My speciall friend , Captaine Anvile , a notable lecherous Tuppe : He has beene at me for a bit out of my Masters flocke any time these three weekes . I le pleasure him with her for ready money . I know t is some cast stuffe , that my Master has done withall . And let him take what followes .

Ex.
Act. I. Sce. VI. Enter Fitchow , Howdee , with Inke and Paper . Fit .

Well sir . And what said Master Lucklesse ?

Ho.

Sir Phillip you meane forsooth .

Fit .

The very same sir . But I beginne to call him now , as I must call him hereafter . Ladies doe not call their husbands , as they are Knights : as sir Phillip , sir Timothy , or sir Gregory . Did you ever heare my Lady Squelch call her husband sir Paul ? No . But master Squelch . Indeed all others must sir them by their Christen names ; because they are Knights , and to bee knowne from other men : onely their owne wiues must master them , by their Sirnames ; because they are Ladies , and will not know them from other men . But to our busines . What said he to you ?

Ho.

His worship said forsooth —

Fit .

Nay , What said you to him first ? I loue to heare things in order .

Ho.

I said that as you bad me forsooth .

Fit .

As I bad you , Clotpoll ? what was that ? Shall I ever mould thee into a Gentleman Vsher thinkst thou , that stand'st so ? Come forwards sir , and repeat .

Ho.

My Mistris commends her best loue vnto your Worship ; and desires to know how your Worship came home last night ; and how your Worship haue rested ; and how your Worship dos this morning ? Shee hopes the best of your Worships health ; and would be glad to see your Worship at your Worships best leasure .

Fit .

This was very well : word for word as I instructed . But did you worship him so much ?

Ho.

Yes truly , and hee commended mee for it ; and said I shew'd my breeding .

Fit .

Now sir . His answere ? in his owne words .

Ho.

Quoth hee . I thanke thy Mistris , and I thanke thee . Prithee commend my seruice to her , and tell her , my worship came home vpon my worships Foot-cloath ; my worship tooke very good rest , in my worships bed : My worship has very little to doe this Morning , and will see her at my worships leasure .

Fit .

Did hee say so ?

Ho.

T was either so , or so much I am sure . But he did not make me repeat , as you did , till I had cond it by heart .

Fit .

Well Howdie get you downe . And doe you heare Howdee ? If sir Paul Squelch come , bring him vp .

Ho.

I will forsooth Mistris .

Fit .

I bad you learne to call me Madame .

Ho.

I shall forsooth Ma-dame .

Fit .

You shall forsooth Madame . T is but a day to 't ; and I hope one may be a Lady one day before her time .

How .

A day too soone ● doubt in this forward age .

Ex. Fit .

In the meane time , let me study my remembrances for after mariage .

Imprimis , To haue the whole sway of the house ; and all domesticall affaires ; as of accounts of houshold chardges , placing and displacing of all seruants in generall ; To haue free liberty , to goe on all my visits ; and though my knights occasions bee never so vrgent , and mine of no moment , yet to take from him the command of his Coach ; To be in speciall fee with his best trusted seruant ; nor to let one liue with him , that will not bewray all his counsells to mee . To study and practise the Art of iealousie ; To faine anger , melancholly , or sicknesse , to the life . These are Arts that women must bee well practis'd in , ere they can attaine to wisedome , and ought to be the onely study of a widow , from the death of her first husband , to the second : From the second to the third , matters of deeper moment ; From the third to the fourth deeper yet ; And so proportionably to the seauenth , if shee be so long blest with life : But of these I may finde time hereafter to consider in order as they fall . Besides , in all , to be singular in our will ; to raigne , gouerne , ordaine lawes and breake 'hem , make quarrells and maintaine ' him ; professe truthes , deuise falshoods ; protest obedience , but study nothing more then to make our husbands so ; Controle , controuert , contradict , and be contrary to all conformity : To which end wee must be sure to be arm'd alwayes with prick and praise of the deceased ; and cary the Inuentory of our goods , and the grosse summe of our Dowry perpetually in our mouthes . Then dos a husband tickle the spleene of a woman , when shee can anger him to please him ; chide him to kisse him ; Mad him to humble him ; make him stiffe necked to supple him ; and hard-hearted to breake him ; to set him vp , and take him downe , and vp againe , and downe againe , when , and as often as we list .

Enter Howdee . Ho.

Madame .

Fit .

I marry , now thou say'st well .

Ho.

An dt please your Ladiship .

Fit .

Well said againe .

Ho.

One M. Tridewell , ● Gentleman , desires to speak with your Ladiship , from Sir Phillip .

Fit .

Tridewell ! O it is Sir Phillips Kinsman . I haue heard him speake much good of him ; and entreated mee to giue him good respect ; which were enought to marre his entertainment , had I not another purpose of mine owne , that may proue as ill . Bring him vp Howdee .

Ho.

I will Madame —

Exit . Fit .

I that was very well . This Howdee doe I meane with a cast Gowne to put in apparell , and make my Gentleman Vsher ; Not onely for the aptnesse of his name , to goe on my visits ; but for his proportionable talent of wit and manners .

Act. I. Sce. VII. Enter Tride well to Fitchow , Tri.

If I can yet redeeme him , he is happy . By your leaue Lady : May my boldnesse proue pardonable ?

Fit .

Sir the name of him , you come from , is warrant sufficient to make your welcome here : All that is here being his .

Tri.

Is this shee trow !

Fit .

I vnderstand you come from Sir Phillip Luckles .

Tri.

'T is true , I brought his name thus farre to enter mee to your presence . But here I shake it off , as I would doe his remembrance : but that I know him too well .

Fit .

Too well Sir ? How meane you ?

Tri.

Too well indeede Lady ; but in the ill part . I know him to be no equall Match for you . Yet I heare you receiue him as a Suter .

Fit .

Right Sir . and him onely .

Tri.

It is not gone so farre I hope .

Fit .

Beshrew mee but it is ; and farther too Sir . Hee has all wooed and wonne me .

Tri. Beshrew your fortune then . And if my counsell ; The friendliest counsell e're you hearkned to , Stop not your ventrous foote from one step further , ( For now you are vpon the brinke of danger ) You fall into a Sea of endlesse sorrowes . Fit . This is pretty ! Tri. Looke back into your selfe ; read o're your Story , Finde the content the quiet minde you liu'd in , The wealth , the peace , the pleasure you enioy'd ; The free command of all you had beneath you , And none to be commanded by aboue you . Now glaunce your eye on this side , on the yoake , You bring your neck to , laden downe with cares , Where you shall faintly draw a tedious life , And euery step incounter with new strife . Then , when you groane beneath your burdenous charge , And wearily chance to reuert a looke Vpon the price you gaue for this sad thraldome , You 'll feele your heart stabd through with many a woe , Of which one dyes not while a thousand grow . All will be then too late : Now is the time , Now rings the warning bell vnto your breast : Where if you can but entertaine a thought , That tells you how you are beset with danger , You are secure ; Exclude it , you are lost To endlesse sorrowes , bought with dearest cost . Fit . Pray Sir deale freely with me . What respect Moues you to make this strong disswasion ? Is it your care of me ? or loue of him ? Tri. A subtill question ! This woman is not brainelesse . Loue of him Lady ? If this can be loue , To seeke to crosse him , in so great a hope , As your inioying ; being all the meanes , Or possibility he has to liue on ; If it be loue to him , to let you know How lewd and dissolute of life he is , By which his fortunes being sunke , he is growne The scorne of his acquaintance , his friends trouble , Being the common borrower of the Towne . A Gallant lights not a Tobacco Pipe , But with his borrowing letters ( shee 's not mou'd ) And if you put him off a fortnight longer , Hee 'l be layd vp for moneys he tooke vp To buy his Knighthood ; besides his deepe ingagements To Goldsmith , Silkman , Taylor , Millener , Sempster , Shoomaker , Spurrier , Vintner , Tapster , ( All stirres her not , shee stands as if prepar'd To heare as much of truth and beare with it . ) Men of all Trades , and Occupations , From his Mercer downward to his Waterman , Haue venter'd the last sixpence on his Credit ; And all but wayt to pay themselues from you . And I may well imagine how 't would grieue A woman of your wealth , to disburse all , To saue a Knight out of his Ward i' th' Counter ; And lack with all his company at home ; While he frequents youthfull society To make more charge for Nurseries abroad : For I haue heard him say you are old ; and that It is your wealth he marries , and not you . If this be loue to him , that I discouer ( The meanes to saue you to be his vndoing , ) Let no man take a friends help in his wooing . Fit . And how this should proceed from care of me Falls not into my vnderstanding Sir . Tri Consider Lady — Fit . Sir I haue consider'd Before , and in your speech , and since ; and cannot By all that can be said remoue a thought . I lou'd him not for words : Nor will I vse Words against yours : 't were poore expression Of loue to boast it . T is enough I know it . Boasters of loue , how can we Louers call , When most of such loue one no more then all . Tri.

Sure , I was much mistaken in this woman .

Fit . Nor would I haue you to expect a rayling , To say you basely wrong the Gentleman : A way so common , common women vse it . But this Sir I will say , I were too blame If I should thinke your loue to him were lesse Then the great care of me , you seeme to vrge , As you pretend it is . Tri. Shee will discouer me . Fit . You are his Kinseman nearly ; and reputed , By his owne mouth , his best of chosen friends ; My selse an vtter stranger , one from whom You neuer had , or can expect least good . And why you should , for a respect so contrary , Call my poore wit in question to beleeue you , Is most vnconscionable . Tri. Me thinke I stand Like a false witnes 'gainst anothers life , Ready to take his punishment . Fit . Nor will I fondly thinke you meant to seeke , Crossing his Match , to make it for your selfe : Both for my knowen unworthinesse ; and your Deprauing him being no possible way To make me thinke the better of your worth . Tri. Can this be shee ? how strangely am I taken ! Fit . But I forgiue , and charitably thinke All this brought no ill purpose ; pretty Pageantry Which may hereafter , 'mong our mariage mirth , Fill vp a Scene : for now I le take no notice . Indeed I will not : you may , if you please , And tell your Cuz how haynously I take it . Tri. If thou hast mercy , Loue , keep 't from my heart . Wil 't please you heare me ? Fit . Sir I haue , enough . And craue but leaue to speake this little to you , Which shall by heauen be vncontrol'd as Fate . If I shall find him bad , I 'le blame my fortune : Neuer repent or thanke you for your counsell . If I shall finde him good ; and all this false , Which you so violently haue vrg'd against him ; I le loue him nere the more , nor you the worse : For I am not so poore , nor weakly spiritted , That should all friends to whom my faith is bound , Say on their knowledge , that all this were true , And that one houres protraction of our Mariage Should mak 't appeare , that I would giue allowance To all their bugbeare reasons , to deferre That houre the vniting of our hands : because Our hearts are link'd by the Diuinest lawes . Tri. What haue I done ? The curse of ouer-weening brains , Shame , and disgrace are guerdon of my paines . O , I shall fall beneath the scorne of fooles : A punishment as iust , as great for such , That doe in things , concerne them not , too much . Fit . What ayles the Gent ? Tri. Oh what a setled rock of Constancie She planteth her affection ? not to moue , Though all the breath of slanderous reproach , Driuing tempestuous clowds and stormes of horror , Should beat , at once , against it . Fit . Sir How d ee ? Enter Howdee . Ho. Ma-dame . Fit . Not you Sir . Tri I would I had not seene , at least not heard her In all so contrary to all opinion . Fit . You are not well Sir . Tri. They said she was old , vnhandsome , and vnciuill , Forward , and full of womanish distemper . Shee 's none of these : but opposite in all . Fit . Sir . Tri. My witty purpose was to saue my friend From such a hazard ; and to loath her so , That I might make her loathsome to his fansie : But I my selfe am falne into that hazard ; To wrong my friend ; to burne in lawlesse loue ; Which oh that prayers or penance may remoue . Fit . You are not going Sir ? Tri. I beg your pardon ; dare not look vpon you . — Ex. Fit . Gone in a dreame ▪ Well , I perceiue this iugling . This straine was onely to explore the strength Of my affection to my lucklesse Knight . For which , if both their Cunnings I not fit , Let me be call'd the barren wife of wit . The end of the first Act .
Act. II. Sce. I. Fitchow . Fit .

The strangenes of this Gentlemans action will not out of my mind yet . Sir Phillip could not but haue a hand in it . Do's he repent his bargaine already ; and desire to bee quit with losse of his earnest ? T is but his faith and troth .

Enter Widgine , Anvile . Wid.

Sister , where are you ? My Governour and I are come to waite vpon you in sir Phillip Lucklesse coach . It waits at doore for you ; and what to doe thinke you ?

Fit .

I can not tell . Perhaps to inuite me forth into the ayre of Hideparke or Maribone ; or else —

Wid.

Or else me no or elses , sister , you cannot guesse it . And I was a foole to aske you the question , now I think on 't .

Fit .

That was well remembred brother .

Wid.

Sister , you are to be a Lady , within this halfe houre . Your knight is ready , so is the Parson too . My Gouernour here knowes .

An.

Yes Lady ; and that hee intreats you , to beare with the sodainesse of the occasion , which hee protests , deepely vrges him to be married presently ; desiring you not to trouble your selfe in examination of his reasons : for vpon his honesty and honour , the end of it is for good to you both . Come sweet Madame ( now I am bold to giue you your dew title ) your knight is ready prest on his aduontures ( d ee heare ) and t is onely you , that hee seekes to incounter .

Wid.

There 's a iest now : but shee vnderstands it not . He makes her an Infidell , a wild beast or a Monster , by that word Incounter ; what doe Knights adventurers incounter else ? looke all the Mirror over . Hee 'll incounter her . O the wit of a Gouernour !

An.

T is as I say Madame , ( d ee heare ) the good fit 's come on him .

Wid.

Ever at the tayle of his d ee heare , I am sure to smell a iest : the fits come on him :

Fit .

This sodaine importunity confirmes my former doubt : He thinkes his Scare-crow will make me keepe off now ; but hee is cossend . Well sir . He shall find me obedient to his hand . I am in all prepar'd to meet his purposes ; Though , Brother I had thought to had conference this Morning with sir Paul Squelch touching a match for you .

Wid.

For me sister : ha' you found out a wife for me ? ha' you ? pray speake , ha' you ?

Fit .

And a good match too brother ; Sir Pauls Neece : on whom , hee , being childles , meanes to bestow a large Dowry .

Wid.

By my faith , and he may do 't . Hee is rich Gouernour ; one of the best Ten i' th' hundred men about this Towne .

Fit .

Hee is a right good man . Within there . En. Howd . Bid Flaps your fellow bring my Fan and Masque .

Ex. Howd . An.

Is hee bounteous and liberall ha ? Do's he make large Suppers and lend money . D ee heare ? Is he good at that ?

Wid.

Nay , there you mistake Gouernour . A good man i' th Citty is not call'd after his good deeds , but the knowne weight of his purse . One , whose name any Vsurer can read without spectacles ; One that can take vp more with two fingers and a thombe vpon the Exchange , then the great man at Court , can lift with both his hands ; One that is good onely in riches , and weares nothing rich about him but the Gout , or a thombe Ring with his Grandsires sheepmarke , or Grannams butter-print on 't , to seale bags , acquittances and Counternanes .

Enter Mayd , Howdee , with Maske and Fan. An.

A Butter-print ?

Wid.

I t were a cunning Herald could find better Armes for some of 'hem : though I haue heard ●●r Paul Squelch protest he was a gentleman , and might quarter a coat by his Wiues side . Yet I know hee was but a Grasier when he left the Countrey ; And my Lord his father whistled to a teame of horses ( they were his owne indeed . ) But now hee is right worshipfull , and I would I had his Neece vnsight and vnseene I faith for her monies sake . You neuer heard mee aske if shee were faire or hansome , d ee marke that sister ? My fathers rule right . And if I be not a true Widgine . ( God forgi' me ) I thinke he was none .

Fit .

But shee is very faire brother , and very hansome and the prettiest innocent countrey thing withall . Doe I want nothing here ?

Wid.

I now you bring me to bed sister .

May.

Your Masque sits well forsooth .

Fit .

But where 's my Wimple forsooth ?

May.

Vpon the Cupboards head , pray Humfrey fetch it .

Ex. Howdee . Wid.

Hee liues not that loues a Countrey thing like me ▪ Alas none loues a Countrey thing like mee . And though I am a Cockney , and was neuer further then Hammersmith ; I haue read the Countrey mans common wealth ; and can discourse of Soccage and Tenure , Free-hold , Copy-hold ; Lease , Demeanes , Fee-simple and Fee-taile , Plowing , Hedging , Diking , Grubbing , occupying any Countrey thing whatsoeuer ; and take as much pleasure in 't , as the best Clowne borne of 'hem all .

Fit . And shee is very young , not aboue fifteene , brother . How this fellow stayes ! Goe you . Ex Maid . An.

And that 's a safe age for a Maid in the countrey : d ee heare ?

Wid.

Pardon me Gouernour . I doe heare and not heare thee at this time .

Fit .

And sings , and speakes so pretty northenly they say .

An.

Is shee Northern ( d ee heare ) will shee not shrinke i' the wetting ?

Wid.

Gouernour , I know thou spokst a iest now , by thy d ee heare : but prithee forgiue me ; I cannot applaud nor marke thee at this time .

Enter Howdee with a Wimble . Fit .

What makes you stay so ? I feare you haue beene among my sweet meats .

How .

Shee said it was vpon the Cupboard ; and it was vnder the Cupboard .

Fit .

Is this my Wimple ? Doe you bring Carpenters tooles to dresse me withall .

Ent. Mayd . Ma.

Here is your Wimple forsooth .

Fit .

I shall teach you to know a difference betweene gentlewomens geere and Carpenters tooles . I shall

Wid.

Nay , shee is so vext now I Deare sister to the Countrey Lasse againe . You said , she spoke and sung Northernly . I haue a great many Southerne songs already . But Northern ayres nips it dead . Yorke Yorke for my money .

Fit .

Yes brother shee is Northern , and speakes so : for shee has euer liu'd in the Countrey , till this last weeke , her Vncle sent for her vp to make her his child , cut of the Bishoprick of Durham .

Wid.

Bishop , nor Bishoprick shall hold her from mee .

Fit .

And brother —

Wid.

Sister no more , though I haue never seene her . No Bishoprick i' th' land from me shall winne her . If you will goe , and clap hands with your knight , come ; I would see you matchd first : because that will add some honour to the Widgines , when my selfe shall bee brother to a Lady . I shall write first of that name . And then am I no sooner married , Gouernour , but wee will set our trauels a foot : to know Countries , and Nations , Sects and Factions , Men and Manners ; Language and Behauiour .

And so in height of complement grow compleat More goes to making of a Man , then meat . Exeunt .
Act. II. Sce. II. Enter Trainewell , Constance . Tra.

Pray tell me ; and tell me truely . What is the most has past betweene you ? If it bee the maine losse of your Mayden-head , it shall neare go further : therefore let mee know it .

Con

As I liue Mistris Trainewell , all that ere he had o' me was but a kisse . But I mun tell yee , I wish'd it a thoosund , thoosand till him .

Tra.

How often haue you seene him ?

Con.

Feath but that bare eance nother , and your seln were by too . Trow yee that I de not tell yee and t were maer . By my conscience Mrs. Trainewell I lee not .

Tra.

That once that I saw him with you , your Vncle was there , too , in the Orchard , but last weeke .

Con.

Vary true , Mine Vncle was than by too . And hee brought sir Phillip to see his Orchard . And what did hee than doe , trow you , but tuke me thus by th' haund , and thus hee kust mee ; hee sed I were a deaft Lasse : but ther he feind . But for my life I could not but thinke , he war the likest man that I had seene with mine eyne ; and could not devaise the thing I had , might be vnbeggen by him . Then by and by as we walkd , he askd mine Vncle , gin hee would giue him me to make a Lady till him . And by my trouth Mistris Trainwell , I lee not , I blush'd and luk'd vpon him as I would feine a hed it so : Mine Vncle said yes , and sir Phillip shuke my haund , and gude feath my heart ioyd at it . God gin the Priest had beene by . But I thought all sure enough ; and would not ha' sold my part for the Spanish Ladies Ioincture . But streight anon mine Vncle and he fell on other talke , of Lords and Ladies , and many foud like things , I minded not : For I is weell sure , this keept me waking ere since . And God pardon mee what I misthought euery houre i' th' night .

Tra.

How haue you made me wrong this Gentleman , to challenge him as if hee had beene your due vpon this idle complement ? when I vndertooke the Message , I presum'd ( for so your words did intimate to me ) you had beene sure , as fast as faith could bind you , man and wife . Where was my discretion ? Now I perceiue this was but common Courtship ; and no assurance of a Mariage promise .

Con.

I wot not what he meant . But I is weell sure , I le nere bee sure to ony Man but hee . And if hee loue mee not as weell , God pardon him . For I meant him none ill .

Tra.

I know not how to counsell or comfort you , vntill I heare him speake . My man tells me , hee appointed him to meet , and bring him to you about this houre . Poore heart I pitty thee . Before thou come to halfe my yeares thou wilt forget to loue halfe so truely .

E●t . Beauis . Bea.

Mistris .

Tra.

O , are you come ? where 's the Knight ?

Bea.

He stayes below , and wild me to come vp first , to to make his passage cleare and secure .

Tra.

That was discretion .

Bea.

Rather feare I thinke : for he ask'd me if the house were not much haunted with Roarers or Swaggerers , poniards and pistols : whether there were not an Assurer for it as vpon the Exchange , as if his life were vpon hazard ? whether a Man might come on without losse of credit , and off without need of a Surgeon ? Much odd talke hee deliuers ; that in my conceit bewrayes , at once , both a lasciuious and cowardly disposition ; and vpon my vnderstanding , cannot bee so generous , or nobly spirited , as hee is receiued . Doe what you will .

Tra.

I suspect something .

Con.

Will hee not come Mrs. Trainewell ?

Tra.

Yes sweetheart . But goe you to your Chamber and let me haue a word before you see him . Goe call him in . Doe so swetheart . I le not be long .

Con.

I le doe ought you bid me God gin I saw him eance .

Ex. Con.
Act. II. Sce. III . Enter Anvile , Beauis . An.

A place of faire promising ! How haue I liu'd that never discouer'd this place before ? This place royall ! But sought my recreation , in by-lanes , and sluttish corners , vnsauory Allies and Ditch sides ? when here the whole house is perfum'd : An Earle might thinke it his owne lodging ; Ladies might come to see the pictures , and not blush , to goe in or out vnmask'd .

Bea.

Sir , will you speake to my Mistris ? The man is transported sure !

An.

I vnderstand thy office , leads thee no further ; thy paines are abroad and below stayres . Here honest Fetch . Looke thee , here s the poore price of a new paire of shooes ; take it . Descend , and execute thy duty .

Tra.

Blesse me ! this is another man . More abuse yet ?

An.

Now gentlewoman to you . What fees belong to your Key ? Come , wher 's the bed ? where 's the party ? Here 's the man : her●'s the money . Chunke chunke you old Gamster , dost heare ? Here 's halfe a peece to buy thee complection , sack or Aqua-vitae . What thou lik'st .

Tra.

What are you sir I pray ?

An.

Faith one that s a little ill giuen at this time . Where 's the peece ? here are the peeces ● tell thee .

Tra.

What peece sir ? If you can imagine what you are , where you are , what you would haue , or where you would be , I pray tell mee sir . I le doe the best I can to satisfie you . O' my discretion will I sir .

An.

Giue me but a little space to wonder at thy strange demands and I wil tell thee , good discretion . If I should purchase a broken Cockscomb , or bruz'd ribs now , for mistaking another mans habit , the smart were onely mine . The villaine swore to me , his Master was sent for ; and that his Master swore this was a Bawd to his choyce Whore , newly intertayn'd ; and that shee knew not him , and might well mistake me for him . On which presumption I haue waded thus farre : and if I sticke in the Mud , or be driuen backe by a tempest , I am armd . T is not the first time I haue beene Wether-beaten , or Dry-beaten , d ee heare ?

Tra.

Sir .

An.

You doe not know me ? or , at least , not remember mee ?

Tra.

If I erre therein sir , I hope your pardon . For as you shall reueale your selfe , I shall either repent me of my obliuion , or accuse you of vnaduisednesse .

An.

Shee speakes like the wife of an Orator , that could dictate her husbands speeches ! Were not you this Morning at sir Phillip Lucklesse lodging ? spoke not you with him ? sent you not for him afterwards to repaire hither to the party ? And know you not the man ?

Tra.

O infinite abuse ! Sir I cry you mercy . I hope you will pardon my weake sightednes . The worlds ●ad and we loue to deale securely . Could not your worship make your selfe knowen sooner ? Please you to entertaine you selfe here a while , I will instantly prouide for your better welcome . O horrible indignity ! But if Porters and cudgels may be had for money , and I fit you not , let me loose my discretion . I am furnisht with blankets already . —

Ex. An.

I will instantly prouide for your better welcome ! Will you so ? T will passe : and by this light I thinke for my Masters iest : I will recouer my chardges , and gaine over and aboue for three returnes more with the bare repetition of it out of one mans purse , the Widgine . My iests are his nutriment ; and my wit is his owne , he payes so duely for it . If the Wench be but pleasing , now , ●o my expectation , my felicity is crown'd .

Tra.

O child , wee are vndone .

Con.

Mary , God sheild Mrs. Trainewell . Is hee geane ? Must I not see him ?

Tra.

A lasse it is not he : but some Villaine sent by him to vexe and spite you . One that perswades himselfe , we are of those common creatures ▪ that sell their honesties .

Con.

Heauen blisse vs , and giue vs leaue to dee first . Can he be so vnkaind , to scorne me so , Woe is me .

Tra.

He is so dishonorable . But I will fit his Vndertaker , what ere he bee . Looke you , is that he thinke you ?

Con.

O Wee ll a neare Mistris Trainewell ! Sir Phillip is the likest man that ere you saw dayes o' your life . This Lozell dow not . Nor would he send him . So trim a Man cannot haue like bad purpose .

Ent. Beauis . Be.

Mistris , there s a Gentleman , one Master Tridewell , that sayes he is sir Phillips Kinseman , will by all meanes speak with him .

Tra.

Sweet heart , can you dissemble your sorrow with a Song , to passe a little time ? I le downe and sift out the subtlety of this deceit .

An.

There is no gouernment vnder the Sunne , like the politique gouernment of a Bawdy-house .

Shee sings aboue . Song . You say my Loue is but a Man . But I can find more ods . Twixt him and others then I can , find betweene him and Gods . He has in 's eye such Maiestie . His shape is so diuine . That were I Owner of the world . Hee onely should be mine . An.

Sweet prologue to the insuing Interlude Bea. Dost heare me honest fellow ? was this the Parties voyce ?

Bea.

Onely hers vpon my sincerity sir .

An.

Excellent ! Shee has rais'd my desire aboue her noates . Why am I thus rauishd , and yet delayd ?

Bea.

Sir , for that my Mistris craues your Pardon . T is not her neglect , that workes vpon your patience ; But the necessity to rid a troublesome Lord or two out of the house , before the Party can appeare to you . But please you to obscure your selfe in this darke Closet , while I conuey them hence , and then , instantly , the top Gallant of pleasure shall crowne your Maine-mast , shee sayes .

An.

O how her wit and care reviues me ! From hence forth shee is my Bawd for euer . My discretion ! But are they wholsome Lords Sirah ?

Bea.

T is no matter for any thing they did here sir , I warrant you . In quickly pray sir .

An.

Must I be lockd in ?

Bea.

You cannot be safe else sir .

An.

The politique gouernment of this little common wealth !

Act. II. Sce. IIII Enter Tridewell , Trainewell . Tri.

Indeed Lady , I am so farre from being in any plot herein , that I protest it was merely by his outside , and that in the doubtfull light of the Euening , that I could guesse t was hee . And had he beene denyed , I had gone well satisfied , it had beene some other man . Which if it proue , and so his name be abus'd — Or if it be he indeed , though hitherto my most respected Cosen , that offers such an outrage , as you deliuer it to be : I am so much a friend to honesty , that let me but see the man or beast , I le doe the faire office of a Gentleman to right you . Indeed Lady I will .

Tra.

You professe nobly sir . First will it please you , see this Gentlewoman ; so much the seruant of your Kinsman ? What shee is I haue told you . Only I present her to your iudgement , whether her outward seeming may deserue such scorne ?

Ent. Constance . Tri.

Alasse faire Lady , would they iniure you ?

Con.

Yea feath , and scorne me too sir . Ill betide them . But and you doe me helpe , and ma' sir Phillip loue me , God reward you .

Tri.

And has your youth and beauty plac'd your loue on him ?

Con.

Gude ●eath sir , I may not say how well I loue him : But were I one of neere ●a mickle , heest eene haue all . And yet he loues me not .

Tri.

Indeed t is pittifull . Weepe not sweet Lady . He shall loue yee .

Con.

Now Gods benison light o' yee for it .

Tri.

Shew me the mischiefe , that hath abus'd vs all . Can you conceale him longer ?

Tra.

In thus much ▪ to coniure you by your Manhood ; to doe nothing that law may question , to your , or our disuantage : we shall not need ,

For our owne ●ight , to doe our selues misdeed . Therefore take this in hand . —

a Ropes end . Tri.

You doe instruct me well . Pray let me see him .

Anvile out of the Closet . An.

Oh for a large Window , one of the last edition , to leape out with halfe my life or limbs .

Con.

Lo yee lo yee , the worst like man to Sir Phillip yee saw in all your dayes .

Tri.

Mischeiuous Diuell ! What magicall madnesse coniur'd you into this shape ?

Indeed I le coniure you out on 't .

An.

Oh hold : for heauens sake hold . I le confesse .

Beats him . Tri.

Nay , indeed I le beat you a little first , you 'll confesse the better . T will come the easier from you . T is a good preparatiue .

An.

Oh! oh , I le confesse any thing .

Tri.

No sir , not any thing . But the truth the truth sir .

An.

The truth , the whole truth , and nothing but the truth to helpe me —

Tri.

You would be swearing now would you ? there 's for that .

An.

No indeed , indeed , and indeed la I will not .

Tra.

Good sir no more . What may this poore thing bee , that br●● ' it ●o but now ?

Tri.

I le tell you Lady . The most notorious , base , beaten Rascall about the Towne . T were lost breath to say more by him . Hee is as you see ▪ Onely is name is Anvile : and they that know him not , call him Captaine .

Bea.

Anvile ? Pray sit let me try in ▪ blade on him too .

Tri.

I pray thee doe , to laue me a labour : for hee is not halfe beaten yet .

Beauis beats him . An.

Oh , oh . Ladies speake for me . ha' you no mercy ?

Tra.

Hold . No more .

Tri.

Well sir , thanke the Ladies . Now sir , put this Ladies fauour here in your pocket ; and keepe it there till I call for it . And marke what I say , if ever I find thee without this Instrument or the like , when I shall call for it , to beat them ( marke me ) indeed I le beat thee dead . And now to your examination . How got your rotten Mutton ship into this Lyons case ? was it by the Owners knowledge ? was the Master of these Cloathes priuy to your vndertaking ? Answere sirah , bonafide , I or no .

An.

No vpon my life ; only his Man abus'd mee for my Money .

Tri.

What presumption made you thinke so vilely of these Gentlewomen ?

An.

Sir Phillips owne words to his Man , vpon a letter this Lady deliuer'd to him this Morning .

Tri.

The Error 's found . Her name you say is Constance , which likewise is the name of a prostituted Strumpet , with whom , t is thought , the wantonnesse of his youth hath held former familiarity ; and now it seemes makes doubt , imagining that letter to be hers , that she pretends a claime to him .

An.

Right sir : which hee tooke so contemptuously , that instantly he resolued to mary the Widow , Mistris Fitchow ; and was this Morning married priuately in a Chamber , within an houre after you saw him .

Con.

And I vndone than .

Tri.

And I if it bee so .

An.

It is vndoubtedly true . I saw them married , and dined with them , at his lodging , where they will sup too : But after Supper they goe to her house in the Towne to bed .

Tri.

This foole mistaking we shall all repent ; if we preuent not what may issue from it .

Tra.

Alas sir all will be too late .

Tri.

Will you but trust my seruice for your honour ?

Tha

Wee will waite on you sir .

Tri. Then Sir for this time you shall be repriu'd , from further penance : Rise and be our Guide . But keepe your feare still : for if all our art Miscarry , thou art sure to share the smart . Ex.
Act. II. Sce. V. Enter Pate , Hewdee . Pa.

Brother Humfrey , take my hand and word for thy instructions . I will acquaint thee with an old Ladies Vsher , in the Strand , that shall giue thee thy Gait , they Postures , thy Language , thy Habit , and thy whole chardge in so plaine a Method , that thou shalt instantly start vp as pretty a Gentleman Vsher , none disprays'd as any betweene Temple-bar and Charing-crosse ; mary further I cannot promise your But prithee tell mee . Is our Lady of so hot a temper and stately cariage as shee is reputed ?

Ho.

O I brother . Shee must command all , or all shall smoke for 't . Shee did so in my old Masters dayes I am sure . And hee glad of peace at that rate too .

Pa.

But how is she to her seruants ? Bountifull and free ?

Ho.

Yes both of her voice , and hands .

Pa.

Shee will not strike will shee ?

Ho.

And she could bite as well , the rankest Iade that ere was curried could not come neate her .

Pa.

Heauen be good to vs ! she nere strooke thee , did she ?

Ho.

T is no matter for that .

Pa.

Nay brother , you know we haue vow'd to be all one : the Mariage hath vnited vs . Prithee tell mee .

Ho.

Shee broke mee a tooth once with a deaths Headring on her finger ? it had like to ha' cost mee my life ! 't has beene a true Memento to mee euer since : bobs o' the lips , tweakes by the nose , cuffs o' the eare , and trenchers at my head in abundance .

Pa.

Will shee throw too ?

Ho.

Any thing shee can lift . and makes vs pay for all shee breakes , though shee breake our heads or races withall . Fan-handles , Looking-glasses or any thing .

Pa.

Wee shall haue a foule h● use on 't I feare ▪ But since it is too late , fight Dog , fight Beare . I le turne my Master loose to her . Here they come . By this light me thinkes they looke as if they were fallen out already .

Act. II. Sce. VI. Enter Lucklesse , Fitchow , Wayting-woman , Widgine , and Bulfinch . At the other dore Squelch , Nonsense , and Beauis . Squ.

Though I were absent at the Ceremony , I now bring my wishes of much ioy .

Luc.

And not too late I hope sir Paul . Wee may yet carry them to bed with vs ▪

Fit .

You had beene chiefly sir inuited , had we not stolne a day from Time , to haue done a● others part at Church , to which in your absence , I intreated our worthy friend Mr: App Apprehension Bulfinch here .

Squ.

Master Bulfinch , I reioyce to meet you here directly . Looke you sir . Doe you know this young Gentleman ?

Bul.

Yes sure , methinkes I should know him . But I am sure I neuer saw him before . ha —

Squ.

Haue you forgot sir Hercules ?

Bul.

I apprehend him to be Master Salomon Nonsense , Son and Heire to my right worthy friend , sir Hercules Nonsense of Cornewall . If you be not hee sir . I am sure it is you . I may bee deceiu'd , but I am certaine t is hee .

Luc.

Hee is doubtfull , but yet hee is sure hee knowes him . What a Bulfinch is this I sure t is his language they call bull-speaking .

Non.

You say very well sir . And neuer credit me as you knew my Father , I would be very ready , as you know how duety binds : for because it is a vsuall thing in these dayes , desiring the loue and friendship , I protest and vow sir . I should —

Luc.

Most perfect Nonsense ! this is a finer youth then tother . My wiues acquaintance are most answerable to her Kindred .

Squ.

T is so directly Master Bulfinch , and I haue brought him to Towne — I vnderstand my Neece is in your house , my Lady Bride . Is shee employd in your Chamber ?

Fit .

Shee is not here sir . Is shee Howdee ?

Ho.

Certes no Ma-dame .

Squ.

How ! not here ? Sirah what did you tell me ?

Bea.

What shall I say or doe ? 〈…〉 hang'd directly .

Squ.

How was shee accompanied ?

Bea.

By my Mistris sir , and fewe Gentlemen of her acquaintance , whose names I know not .

Squ.

Knauery , Villany and Theiuery ! ● smell it ranke . Shee 's stolne , shee s gone directly .

Wid.

T is indirectly sir if shee bee stolne . There your word failes you .

Squ.

If shee bee in the land I will recouer her , I hope I shall find as much right in Law , as a Broaker or a Ioyner .

Fit .

Good sir Paul , I haue not seene you thus distemperd . What afflicts you ?

Squ.

Oh Mistris Fitchow , my Neece , my Neece .

Widg.

Hee 's mad I thinke . Sir you forget my sister is a lady .

Squ.

Shee 's is lost , shee 's stolne , and all my ioy is gone . My Neece my Constance .

Luc.

Constance !

Fit .

Who your young Neece that came lately out of the Countrey ?

Wid.

My Countrey thing sister , that you promis'd me ?

Squ.

Promis'd you ? I am abus'd . I doe suspect you accessaries . Sir I haue purpos'd and promis'd her to this Gentleman . And here I charge you to restore her me .

Wid.

Are you the Man sir that must haue her ?

Non.

Neuer credit mee sir , if I haue her , or haue her not to my knowledge .

Squ.

Sir Phillip , you are courteous and noble : as you will continue so in opinion of honest men , let me haue right .

Luc.

Sir Paul , vpon my faith I am ignorant of any such wrong . And , for her part , should shee fare amisse , I should suffer in her iniury equally with your selfe : for I professed to you , I did loue the Lasse so well ; and at the first sight , that had I not beene otherwise allotted , and indeed contracted to her , from whom now there is no starting , shee should haue beene my Bride , if all my loue and fortune might haue wonne her .

Fit .

Had you spard this Protestation , Sir , you might haue dissembl'd your loue to me the better .

Luc.

Dissemble ?

Fit .

T is said sir .

Pa.

By this hand my Ladie 's iealous already .

Ho.

Blesse vs ! what lookes are these !

Squ.

Sir I must take my leaue , this is no time to trouble you .

Luc.

Nay good sir stay , and share in our ill Banquet . Harke , some friend I hope . Looke sirah . —

Cornets florish . Ex. Pate . Fit .

Some of your old companions haue brought you a fit of Mirth . But if they enter to make a Tauerne of my house , i le add a voice to their consort shall drowne all their fidling . What are they ?

Ent. Pate . Pa.

Some that come in gentile fashion to present a Maske .

Fit .

Locke vp the dores , and keepe them out .

Ex Howd . Luc.

Breake them open and let them in —

Ex. Pate . Fit .

Shall I not bee Master of my owne house ?

Luc.

Am not I the Master of it and you —

Ex. Luc. Wid.

Nay sister .

Fit .

Passion of my heart .

Squ.

Bu●● . Madame , Madame .

Squ.

you must allow of reasonable things .

Bull

Be contented , sir Phillip in a noble Gentleman , and a Courtier , and as I apprehend .

Wid.

I dare warrant you sister these are of his friends , that come with their Loues to congratulate his fortune . Speake Master Nonsense . A speech of your would do 't .

Non.

Neuer credit me , but I for sooth am of that opinion , that it is as it were . I protest and vow — I should be as sorry as any Man . —

Wid.

It this were to bee put into latine now . Which were the principall Verbe .

Fit .

M. Nonsense , you haue preuaid . You see I am content . But what I purpose , Fate shall not preuent .

Wid.

Did I not tell you .

E●● . Lucklesse . Luc.

More lights , and let them enter . Gentlemen take your places . Sir Paul to night forget your sorrow . So will I mine , though I renue ● tomorrow . Come sit sit . Mistris please you .

Fit .

You wrong your honour sir , your most humble Hand-maid .

Wid.

Brother I told you alwayes shee had hasty humors , and as vnreasonable as heart can wish : but soone over . Now shee 's as mild as any Doue againe .

Luc.

Then wee are friends ; and shee 's my Doue againe .

Musicke . The Masquers Enter . All in willow Garlands . Foure Men . Foure Women . The two first payres are Tridewell and Constance . Anuile and Traine well . Before the Daunce , Constance sings this Song . Song . Nor Loue , ●or Fate dare ● accuse , For that my Loue did mere fuse ; But oh mine owne unworthinesse , That durst presume so mickle blisse . It was too much for me to loue A Man , so like the Gods aboue ; An Angels shape , a Saint-like voice , Are to Diuine for Humane choice . Oh had I wishly giu'n my heart , For to haue lou'd him but in part ; Sought onely to enioy his face ; Or any one peculiar Grace Of Foot , of Hand , of Lip , or Ey , I might haue liu'd where now I dye . But I presuming all to choose Am now condemned all to loose . At the end of the Daunce , Tridewell and Constance Whisper with Anvile , each of them giuing him a folded paper . Luc.

T is well perform'd . Now we would gladly know . To whom we owe our thankes .

An.

That I le deliuer to you . Meane while the rest desire they may withdraw a while .

Luc.

Light and all faire respect be giuen vnto them . —

Exeunt all the Masquers but Anvile . Squ.

The Womans voyce had much in 't like my Neece .

Wid.

●our Neece sir Paul , ods me I must goe see her .

Luc.

Nay brother giue them all their free pleasures . By your leaue you shall stay .

Wid.

Stay shall ? I will then .

An.

Now to your 〈◊〉 I disclose my selfe .

Wid.

Whoo● My Gouernour : Looke you sister . Looke you Sir Phillip . Did nor I alwayes tell you he was the rarest wit ●the world ? This was his owne invention ●e bee hang'd else . Sweet Gouernour the conceit of the Willow , and why thou wearest it ?

An.

My selfe , onely to make the number in the Dance sutable . And so did all the rest to fulfill the fashion , only two excepted , that were the Leaders and subiect of the Dance . The one , your Cosen Tridewell , who holds himselfe a lost Louer , in that you Madame to whom his affection is wholly deuoted , haue made your selfe incapable of him , in being the lawfull right of another . This paper shewes him more at large .

Luc.

I st possible ! Did hee for that so earnestly deswade me from her this Morning ?

Fit .

I neuer saw him before this day , nor he me . These are tricks and studied fooleries to abuse me —

teares the Paper . Luc.

Who was the other .

An.

Shee was your faire Neece sir Paul ; the most disconsolate Beauty that ere I saw , giuing her selfe for euer lost vnto your loue sir Phillip , presuming you once promis'd her Mariage , of which shee made a claime this Morning by her Nurse , whom you revil'd by name of Bawd , calling faire Constance Whore ; and to her more despight , hastned your Mariage sooner by ● day , then you before intended with this Lady .

Luc.

Constance ! May that name in all other women bee accursed beyond themselues . Hell it selfe could not haue vapor'd such an error forth , as I am lost in . Constance ! why was that name made here , that Saint-like Maids , when it brought to my mind a Diuels , nay worse , a Whores ? to whom before was giuen .

Bull.

Sir Phillip , and Madame , you apprehend these things as things done , when they are not things indeed , but as it were shew and deuise , as by the sequele you may at large apprehend .

Squ.

I am of your mind Master Bulfinch . And trust me I am glad my Neece was drawne into the witty conceit . For which with a new Gowne he thanke her .

E●t . P●t● . Luc.

Where is shee ? I will endure no longer till I see her .

Pa.

The Masquers are all gone sir .

Luc.

Gone Villaine .

Pa.

They tooke their Coaches instantly , and disperst themseLucs by seuerall wayes , I had no Commission to stay them .

Fit .

Are you so sensible of her losse ? —

Ex Fit . With her Seruants . Squ.

My Neece might not withstanding her lost loue haue tane me home in her Coach .

Luc.

You shall haue mine sir Paul and my company so farre to see her ; and whether their presentation were iest or earnest , I will not rest till I be satisfied ; My Coach . I le make no stay Sweet-heart . Shee 's gone .

Wid.

Excellent ! the Bride 's stollen to bed .

Squ.

It should be so . I like the custome well .

Bull.

● or if you apprehend it rightly , it expresseth duety in the Woman to lye prepared for him ; and loue in the Man , not to be slacke to embrace that duety .

Wid.

A pretty Morall A Womans duety to lye downe , and a Mans loue to get vp . One may learne something of these old fellowes euery day .

Squ.

Therefore no Coach , no Company noble Knight . Pursue your home occasions , and God gi' yee ioy .

Luc.

Nay sir Paul . I protest .

Squ.

Not a word more of it directly .

Wid.

Take me with you good sir Paul to see your Neece . I find Master Nonsense here very indifferent , And I know t will be the greater ioy to her to match but into the family of sir Phillip , of which I am a halfe Piller now . Besides my sister made me halfe a promise of her in good faith , my gouernours my Witnesse , and I haue lou'd her euer since .

Squ.

But you neuer saw her face .

Wid.

No , but i le bee hang'd if I did not loue her Visor the best ere while , though I could not tell whose t was , nor which was which .

Squ.

Good Master Water Widgine , this is no time of night to diue into busines of this depth . It is Nestling time I take it . How thinke you Master Bulfinch .

Bull.

I apprehend it to be past 12 a Clocke very neare .

Squ.

Therefore what your sister hath promis'd you , let her performe if shee can ; meane time this Gentleman is my choyse : come Master Nonsense , you haue had a long time of silence . Master Bulfinch .

Bull.

I apprehend you sir .

Luc.

Wee ll , ●●e you to the Gate by your leaue Ex Omnes .

The End of the second Act .
Act. III. Sce. I. Lucklesse . Luc.

What has shee written here ? It is the same hand I read in the Morning .

I am not your counterfeit , or vnchast Constance ; But that only Constance , that truely loue you , and that will , if you liue not for me , die for you . Oh that I could at any price or penance now redeeme one day ! Neuer was hasty Match sooner repented .

Enter Widgine , Anvile . Wid.

Hee 's melancholly mee thinkes . Slid my sister may lye long enough languishing for a Ladiship , if this fit hold him : for shee has it not really till he goe to bed and ●u● her .

An.

Will you not goe to bed sir ? wee waite for your points .

Luc.

I will . But is it time ? Brother , would you would doe me the fauour to inquire .

Wid.

Yes , i le goe see for the Possets sake . —

Ex. Luc.

Captaine , deale fairely with me . By what meanes ioyned you with this society ? or how grew so soone your trust or great acquaintance with them ?

An.

Without offence i le tell you . You know this Morning at your Lodging , there past some words betwixt mee , and your sullen Kinsman , Master — indeed la , Tridewell , and from him too much indeed for me , a profest Souldier to beare : But the place protected him . Till after vpon mature consideration I made after him for satisfaction , thus arm'd as you see . Purposing with this Ropes end to right me ; and to maintaine that right with this sword , which I thanke Mars neuer yet faild me ; as it hath well beene manifested by the effusion of much vnworthy blood of my abusers , in France , Spaine , Italy , Poland , Sweden , Hungary , all parts of Germany .

Luc.

Good Captaine trauell not so farre in your relation : but come home againe to the businesse .

An.

I haue vs'd it in some score or two of Sea fights too by the way .

Luc.

But to the matter Captaine ; where met you my Cosen ?

An.

The first sight I recouer'd of him , was as he was entring the house of the greasie Knight there , what call you him ?

Luc.

Sir Paul Squelch ?

An.

Squelch , I a pox squelch him . I waited a quarter of an houre at his doore , for your Kinsman ; and longer I would not , had he beene Kinsman to the Emperour , and my Enemy . Therefore in I went , told Master Tridewell in his eare , my comming was to call him forth , to dischardge the office of a Gentleman with his Sword , in answering those wrongs wherewith I held my reputation wounded . Was it not well , ha ? Could a poore Gentleman say more ? and that in ciuill fashion very priuately in respect of the company , not shewing any the least distemper , in looke or gesture . But the Women read presently in his countenance the whole matter ; and briefly by their pretty perswasion I tooke ordinary satisfaction of him .

Luc.

What was that Captaine ?

An.

Why hee confess'd hee wrong'd me , was sorry for 't , and so forth . What should we speake more on 't . This you must not speake of neither . You must promise me that o' your honour , as you desire to heare what followes : I loue no ripping vp old soares .

Luc.

Not a word I , Captaine vpon my word . What a Rascal s this ! to the point good Captaine .

As

Then thus sir ? I soone perceiu'd , their drift to appease , & winne me to their friendship was for my assistance , and indeede to beare the● out in this nights worke , the Maske . The whole plot of all which was meerely to so we dissention betweene you and your new married Lady , to worke if they can a seperation , before carnall copulation , in which if they can prevaile , and that the dislike continue betweene you to that height , that a divorce be required equally by the consent of you both , your Marriage then is frustrated , and you stand in statu quo prim d ee heare . So your Cosen Tridewell may lawfully pursue his hopes in your Bride , whom he loues as eagerly as the melancholly virgine dotes on you .

Luc.

But may this hold good in Law Captaine ?

An.

There 's a Ganon for it Sir . If both parties agree to a divorce after Marriage , so it be before Copulation .

Lu.

Though the former part of his discourse , was a most egregious lye , yet the last hath some sound of pleasure in it : which I may make vse of .

Enter Tridewell . Tri.

Come gi' me the instrument . Shall I neuer find thee any where , but thou wilt by iust desert exact a beating from me ? Hast thou no conscience ? wouldst thou haue me lame my selfe , or melt my grease vpon thee . Come Sir , I haue ouer-heard you all ; giue mee the Instrument , the instrument I say . Indeede I 'le haue it . So . Now Sir —

Luc.

Nay Cosen , for the seruice hee hath done you to night , and loue of mee , pardon him this time . Besides , his charge is in the house , at whose charge he liues . You will both shame and vndoe him .

Tri.

Well Sir , I shall for this time pardon you , and neuer beat you more , it before Sir Phillip here you will subscribe to this . T is nothing but a faithfull protestation to do reasonable things as I shall appoint , and not to reueale what I shall trust you withall .

An.

If you will couenant on your part in defence of my reputation , to let me rayle at you behinde your backe , I will subscribe ▪

Tri. Take your pleasure . I am content . Write Sir . In what without a Knaue we cannot end , A Knaue imployd do's th' office of a frend . An.

Here Sir , I deliuer it as my deede .

Tri.

Here , and I deliuer you this againe to keepe . Indeed you shall for performance of couenants .

Ent. Widgine . Wid.

Oh Sir you are defeated . My sister hath fortified her lodging with locks , bolts , barres , and barricados .

Luc.

To what end brother : for what cause ?

An.

I know not whither it be discontent or wilfulnesse , that possesses her : but you are to haue no entrance there to night . That she has sufficiently sworne .

Tri.

Good .

Luc.

How ! am I denied ? To my wish .

Tri

Pray let me speake with you Sir .

Luc.

At large you shall . For though it bee my wedding night you shall be my Bedfellow . Lights there . Good night brother .

Tri.

Good night Captaine .

Wid.

How now Gouernour ? what has angerd thee ? something troubles thy countenance .

An.

Your comming , and the priviledge of this place hath once more preseru'd that vnworthy Tridewell from the justice of my fury , which should haue fallen on him , had he bin twind with me by this light .

Wid.

By this light , Gouernour ? would you haue fought by Candle-light .

An.

Sir I dare do 't by day light , Moone-light , Star-light .

Wid.

Ow'e-light .

An.

Any light vnder the Sunne . And that shall bee tride well on Tridewell head , dec heare ?

Wid.

A good iest ! Tride well vpon Tridewell . He has wit in his anger . But Gouernour , laying your anger aside , let me be beholden to your wit in atchieuing this Northern Lasse . Thy acquaintance with her must be the meanes . Prithee goe lye with me , and helpe mee to dreame out some course . Nay looke now thy furie blowes so high thou dost not heare me .

An.

Not heare ? yet , were I in a Combat as great as euer I my selfe fought any , I could both heare , and giue counsell . Therefore say vnto your selfe , by the helpe of your Gouernour shee is your owne .

Wid.

O Man past example !

An.

But d ee heare ?

Wid.

Here , here . Thou shalt haue anything —

giues him Money . Exeunt .
Act. III. Sce. II. Enter Squelch , Constance Nonsence , Trainewell . Squ.

Come your wayes huswife . No more of your whynings , and counterfet tricks . If this Gentleman be not worthy of your loue , I am not worthy to be your Vncle , directly .

Tra.

Alas , what meane you sir .

Squ.

Accept of him , you accept of me . if you refuse him you deny me directly .

Tra.

Shee vnderstands you not a word sir .

Squ.

If you will ioyne hands and faith with him , Here 's your portion , there 's your ioincture ; if not , your way lies before you , pack directly .

Tra.

Good sir , consider her disease . If her vnderstanding were direct , you might speake directly to her . But if I haue any discretion shee is too full of melancholly to be purg'd this way .

Squ.

What would you haue me doe ? Or how in your discretion would you councell me ?

Tra.

Not to be mad sir , because shee is melancholly , not by taking a wrong course for her recouery to ruine her , and forfeit your iudgement Doe you thinke , that commands with chidings , threats , or stripes haue power to worke vpon her , when shee has neither will nor reason within her selfe to doe , or not to doe anything whatsoeuer .

Squ.

Now the g●gs vp .

Tra.

If her health in sense and vnderstanding were perfect : yet as shee is Woman , her will were first to be wrought vpon by faire and gentle treaty . But as shee is at this time so sicke in mind , that knowledge of what shee is , what shee do● , especially of what shee should doe is dead in her , her Mind must bee first recouer'd ; and that by a due course , in soft and temperate proceedings ; to which fit time as well as meanes must bee allowed . Moreouer —

Squ.

Oh . No moreouers I beseech you , not more of her at this time . I vnderstand your purpose already . I doe directly . Therefore speedily take what course , and vse what meanes shall in your discretion be thought fit . I will subcribe , I will directly subscribe to your discretion . My wife when shee went out of the worlde left me as great a care behind her in the charge she gaue me with this Woman , this quick sighted Guide of my house , a blind one were better .

Tra.

You should first see , if it pleased you , how her affection may bee wrought vpon by the Gentlemans owne faire intreaty . Pray sir speake to her like a Suter , looke vpon him Sweet heart : This Gentleman loues you . Pray speake sir . Doe you not ?

Non.

Neuer credit me pretty Gentlewoman —

Con.

Nor will I , feare it not . Nor any man that sayes hee loues me . For alas ! I was too lately scorn'd .

Non.

You are a Lasse indeed . I protest and vow , and such ●●ne , as I would bee very sorry to appeare any way , or in the least decree , as it were please you to vnderstand me : for I le be sworne , ●he●e is not in the World .

Con.

Truth in swearing , lesse in promising .

Non.

If you will beleeue me Lady .

Con.

Nor ne man for your sake .

Non.

There is not in the world I say —

Con.

I say so too sir . What wa st I pray .

Non.

There is not in the world any Gentlewoman —

Con.

Tell that no further ; for wee are all too gentle lessen men were lesse cruell .

Tra.

Heare him speake Constance .

Con.

You shall heare me sing first by your leaue .

Tra.

Poore heart .

Squ.

Here 's wise worke ! direct lunacy and Ideotisme . Blesse my house from the Ward Masters Informers ,

Con.

Pray sir , are you sir Phillip ?

Tra.

Say you are .

Non.

Yes Lady , I am sir Phillip .

Con.

But you are none of my Sparrow . Your mouth 's not wide enough for your words .

Tra.

Shee has stop'd his mouth there .

Con.

His words would soften Adamantine eares . And lookes would melt a Marble heart to teares . O Wea is me !

Tra.

Nay you must not weepe Sweet-heart .

Con.

What 〈◊〉 I doe them ? Shall I euer get him by singing trou yee ? Introth I would neuer but sing , if I thought that were the gainest way .

Tra.

I had rather heare you sing though , then see you weep .

Con.

It must bee of my Loue than , my Sparrow as I told you . And thus it goes .

Song . A bonny bonny Bird I had A bird that was my Marroe : A bird whose pastime made me glad , And Phillip t was my Sparrow . A pretty play-fere : Chirp it would , And hop , and fly to fist , Keepe cut , as ● were a Vsurers Gold , And bill me when I list . Phillip , Phillip , Phillip it cryes But hee is fled and my loy dyes . But were my Phillip comd a gaine , I would not change my Loue For Iuno's bird with gawdy traine , Nor yet for Venus Doue . Nay , would my Phillip come againe , I would not change my state , For his great Name sakes wealth of Spaine , To be anothers Mate . Phillip Phillip , &c.

No no , you cannot be the Man . I know him right wee l by you sir , as wily as you be . Gin you had all his trim geere vpon you , and all his sweets about you , yet I should not bee so fond to mistake a Ienny How let for a Tassell Gentle . Ah , ah , ha .

Tra.

Why Lone , what fault doe you find in this Gentleman ?

Con.

Feath , but eene eane . That her is not Sir Phillip . For thus would hee doe . Thus would hee kisse his hand ; and thus ta' me by mine . Thus would hee looke , and set his eye on mine : And giue mee leaue to see my selfe in 's eyes . T was the best Glasse introth that ere I saw . I nere looke weell fine . Nor ere shall i me sure , vntill I see me there againe .

Sing . But hee is geaue , alas hee 's geane , and all too late I sorow . For I shall neuer bee well againe , till yesterday be to marow .

God you good Euen sir . —

Ex. Tra.

●ollow her sir .

Squ.

And put her to 't sir , and out of this humor . I le add the tother fiue hundred to her portion , and you bring her about handsomely . O when I was a Batchelor ! I thinke I can doe somewhat yet in my old dayes . But when I was a Batchelor , how I could haue handled this geere .

Non.

Neuer credit me sir , if you will beleeue me but —

Squ.

I doe beleeue you sir suficiently good Master Nonsense . No more of your impertinent speeches . But follow her , and put her to 't I say , to 't directly . Take her into the Orchard t was there shee fell in loue they say It may bee the place is O neno ● .

Ex. Non. Tra.

Sir , there will bee no way for her recouery , but to remou . her lodging , and haue some good Phisicians about her .

Squ.

Where you please ; and vse whose helpe you please : shee is your owne ; dispose of her freely , as I will of what is 〈…〉 course of life directly . Let me see . Shee is lost , past recouery . Say I should marry , I might yet haue an 〈…〉 mine owne .

Tra.

Yes , but of whose getting sir ?

Squ.

There might rise a fearefull question .

Tra.

Thinke not of it sir . A man of your yeares , and grauity , with the respect the World giues you for your place and worship in the Common Wealth , together with the riches you haue pild vp in a Mountainous estate ; to cast all downe with your selfe , and fortune at the foot of a stranger I Thinke what would be thought of you , if such a dotage should possesse you

Squ.

Shee 's falling into a tedious Lecture .

Tra.

Pray how was Master Spartledirt talk'd on tother day for doing such a tricke ? yet he was held a wise Lawyer : You see a faire example in the late Mariage of sir Phillip Lucklesse , and his Fitchow , a Match of your owne making , and cause of your Neeces and your owne Misfortune .

Squ.

No more I beseech you .

Tra.

There 's tugging for a Mastery , and buffetting for the breeches . He barks at her , shee snaps at him ; shee breaks his wine Glasse , hee her looking Glasse ; shee puts away his Seruants , hee turnes away hers ; shee locks her Chamber dore , he bolts his , begetting nothing but a World of strife and disorder .

Squ.

I pray shut vp that point , I will not marry . No directly I will not , though the truth is my purpose : was to haue cast my selfe and fortune wholly vpon you , if it might houe seem'd well in your discretion , vmh vmh .

Tra.

I pray stay a little sir , take me along with you .

Squ.

Not a step further , this way by your leaue . I thinke I haue pusseld her discretion .

Tra.

Vnderstand me sir . As I would not haue you fall rashly vpon anything ; no more would I haue you flie sodainly from any purpose , without advise and sober deliberation . If you should marry one that would be a Comfortable Nurse vnto you , as ( though I say'● ) you partly know —

Squ.

Say you nothing , ●er I doe know nothing , nor I will know nothing more of this matter directly : For if euer I marry , let me suffer all that the-Law prouides for Periury ; let me bee cropt and slitt worse then a French Curtall , or a parliamentall delinquent for blaspheming the blood royall . No , I wil now bestow my wealth in Monumentall good deedes , and charitable vses in my life time , to bee talkd well on when I am dead .

Tra.

Yes , build Almes houses and Hospitals for beggers , and prouide in Bridewell , and houses of Correction for your frends and kindred . Pray giue enough to Bedlem , you may feele some part of that benefit your selfe before you die , if these sits hold you .

Squ.

Shee would haue me doe no good with that I haue neither . Let mee consider . The most I haue to say directly hath not beene very well gotten . Were it not a point of good conscience , to spend that prodigally , and saue a 〈…〉 And that which I haue got well and honestly , hath beene with much care and trauell ; were it not then a point of equity to my selfe , to spend that with ease and pleasure ? T is done directly , what I haue is mine owne ; and I will be merry with it . Within there ho .

Tra.

What 's the toy now ?

E●t . Clearke . Squ.

Sirah . Take there twenty peeces . B stow it all presently in choycest meates , and richest Wines for my Supper . This one nights Supper directly . What I haue is mine owne : and I will be merry with it .

Tra.

Cl● . Blesse vs !

Squ.

Six brace of Partriches , and sixe Pheasants in a Dish . Godwits , Knots , Quailes , and the rest of the meares answerable for halfe a score , or a dosen persons of the best quality : whom I will thinke of presently .

Clo

Braine of a downe right Iustice ! What meanes my Master , to leape out of thirtie shillings a Weeke house keeping into twentie pounds a Supper ? I may sell my Clearks place : for sure he meanes to thrust himselfe out of the Commission . Hee can be no Iustice long if this humor hold . Who shall be the Guests tro● ?

Squ.

I haue it directly . You shall goe to the Ordinaries , and from thence inuite such young Gallants as you find to be Gamesters . I meane of the highest cut .

Tra.

Men that you doe not know sir ?

Squ.

I directly . If they know me , or haue heard of me t is sufficient : we shall be soone acquainted . Bring not a man with any paid for gold Lase or Scarlet about him , I charge you , nor without a Protection in his pocket .

Tra.

You run a great hazard in this sir . You may perhaps be cheated of all you haue , if I haue any discreation .

Squ.

And much good do 't their good hearts . What I haue is mine owne , and I will bee merry with it directly . You haue put me by one or two courses : But not all your discretion shall beat me out of this . If you take some care in the busines , and huswife the intertainement to make it braue for my credit , you may get a Gowne or a Iewell by it . If not —

Tra.

Sir i le obey you . If he bee mad I will not bee foolish , bat strike in for a ●●are . And for your Guests sir , let me alone . My man is best acquainted at the Ordinaries .

Squ.

Why now you speake .

Tra.

Within there . Beauis . But introth sir , I doubt whither any such Guests will come , you haue alwayes beene so strict and terrible in your iustitiary courses .

Ent. Bea●● . Squ.

Let him say mine eyes are opened , and their vertue is reuealed vnto me . And if any of the youngsters haue Mistrisses , let 'hem bring 'hem . They shall haue Mn●cke● what I haue is mine owne , and I will be merry with it . My flesh , though not in the way of mariage , requires some satisfaction too . Where might a man in all this plentifull Towne , find a choyce peece directly that he might make his owne ? only his owne ? A very hard question . And custome has made it almost an vnreasonable , though it were in ones owne Wife . In a Cittizens or Tradesmans Wife ; a Man must suffer the Riuall-ship of a slouenly husband : the stinke of his hornes euer vnder ones nose . A cast Lady , or Gentlewoman of courtly acquaintance , to maintaine her , is to feed a Fountaine , that wasts it selfe through many Spowts : What I supply her with , will be drawne out by twenty . All her friends must share of my prodigality . To traine vp an innocent countrey Girle , is like hatching a Cuckoe ; as soone as shee is ripe , and sees the world afore her , shee flies at her aduantage , and leaues mee dead i' the neast . How now .

Ent. Clearke . Cle.

Sir , here 's a Delinquent brought before your worship to be examined , a Gentlewoman sir .

Squ.

Who brings her ?

Cle.

Vexhem the Constable sir .

Squ.

Looke on his feet . Sure t is the Diuell in his likenesse : That old Bawd knowing how it stood with me , has brought me one of his Succubae Art . Sure t is Vexhem ?

Cle.

Sure sir ? The diuell himselfe knowes him not better then I know him from the Diuell . I am sure , hee has beene in see with me these nine yeares : almost euer since hee was Constable ; and has brought more profit to my deske then all the honest Officers in the counties of your Commission sir . Oh hee 's a rare fellow , hee 'll tickle a Whore in Coany .

Squ.

You know my mind . I will in and handle this geere in priuity .

Ent. Nons . Const. Tra.

Beauis , You vnderstand me . Prithee goe discreetly about it .

Bea.

Pray let me see a little of this first .

Non.

If I put her to 't or euer offer to put any Woman to 't againe , neuer credit me : let me neuer be trusted , I protest and 〈◊〉 Gentlewoman shee has vs'd me —

Tra.

Very ill fauouredly me thinkes .

Bea.

Ha' you put her to 't sir .

Non.

I cannot put her to 't , nor she will not be put to 't . Sing .

Con. I wo'not goe to 't , nor I man not goe to 't , For loue , nor yet for see : For I am a Mayd , and will be a Mayd , And a good one till I dye . Yet mine intent , I could repent , for ●ne mane company .

But you are not he Sir . If you be , you are wondrously chang'd . I am sure his faults were not written on his forehead . God pardon him .

Non.

If mine bee , you can best read 'hem , t' is your owne hand-writing .

Bea.

Shee has done a cure on him . Hee spoke sense now . Alas Sir , that a faire hand should make such blots I what hand is it ? Secretar , Romane , Court , or Text ? I haue not seene the like : 't is all dominicall letters , red Inke . His face is like an Almanack of all Holy dayes .

Tra.

Sure t is Stenography , every Character a word : and here and there one for a whole sentence .

Bea.

Here 's one might serue for a whole History . The life and death o' ' Raw head , and Bloody bones .

Non.

I see I am not such an Asse , I would I might neuer stir but I am — Where 's Sir Paull If I doe not tell him —

Tra.

What did you to provoke her thus ?

Non.

Nothing but what I can answere in a sort d ee see me as well as — neuer gi' me credit I had warrant vnder his hand

Bea.

How Sir ?

Now

By word of mouth sir .

Bea.

That 's about hand by your leaue .

Tra.

Is it so ? Good Sir , his meaning was , you should put her fairely on like a Louer , with sweet speeches , and gentle behaviour .

Non.

Shee vnderstands nothing that I can speake .

Bea.

Nor any body else I thinke .

Tra.

And therefore you fell to expresse your selfe in rude action . Shee has scorn'd you but well : you are a fine putter to 't indeede .

Sing . Con.

Mum toot Mun toot , Muntara rara Muntara ra ra rarie , And euer I sigh and cray alack for Phillips loue I die .

iust so did our Deyry Mayd at home serue my Lady Fidledees Batler . And there I learnt it . But when shee had so done what did shee than doe ? Bestow'd a penyworth of Vnguentum Album , and it made him whole presently . Good Mrs. Traynwell send to your Pothecary for some : 't will make him wee ● e'now now .

Tra

I sweet-heart : but first you shall goe in the Coach with●● to the Doctors .

Con

I know I am not weell too . But I le ha' no Doctor but Sir Phillip .

Tra.

It shall be Sir Phillip , ( poore soule , ) all must be Sir Phillip . You shall lye at his house .

Con.

But not with him by my faith , and your leaue , in 't wee be married . Prithee Beauis gar him wash his face hee 'll scare some bodies Barnes else . —

Ex. with Tra. Bea.

I le throw him into the Dock rather then he shall succeede Iack O'Dandy . Come sir , all shal be wel again . Feare not .

Non.

I thanke you sir .

Act. III. Sce. III . Enter Lucklesse and Tridewell . Luc.

Cosen , I vnderstand you at full . And am glad that occasion hath pointed out a probability to lead me out of this labirinth ; and you to your desired end .

Tri.

Follow but the way you are in Sir , and you shall arriue at your owne wishes .

Luc.

Shee has put me into 't her selfe too .

Tri.

By sequestring her selfe from you the first night .

Luc.

For which Cosen , if I take not occasion to keepe my selfe from her , all nights , dayes , and times hereafter , may the act of our bodies beget prodigeous monsters and nothing else .

Tri.

A fearefull vow ! looke too 't . And I warrant shee sues for the Divorce first .

Luc.

May wee proue but as certaine as you are confident in out other proiect , for recalling Constance to her selfe , and mee then to her , these fetters being shaken off , may they proue golden ones to you , I shall not envie you .

Tri.

For her take no thought sir . The intrest I haue in her Tutresse , with the work I haue fashion'd vpon my Anvil , shall bring all to your wish . I expect to heare from him instantly .

Luc.

I le freely resigne your wish to you , and adde halfe I haue to augment her estate to you . Oh I tremble to thinke on her : her presence shakes the house like an earthquake : the outrage of Prentizes is not so terrible to a Bawd or a Cutpurse , as her voyce is to me . Yet to you shee may be calme as the breath of friendship , and milde as the midnight whispers of chast loue .

Tri.

Sir , I professe my affection flies eagerly at her . Shee takes me deepely , how euer you haue mistaken one another . Oh here comes my Anvile ! Mee thinkes his very countenance invites me to strike him ▪ though I know hee dos me good service now .

Enter Anvile . An.

T is done sir . I warrant shee 's plac'd , succesfully , d ee heare ?

Tri.

How prithee ?

An.

I haue sent her before his Worship by a Constable .

Luc.

Who has he sent ? before whose Worship ?

Tri.

You shall know all . He has sent your cast whore before sir Paul .

Luc.

The Mistery , Gentlemen ?

Tri.

The successe shall vnfold it in good time to your and my benefit ? doubt not , if she but follow her instructions .

Luc.

Nay , if shee be not Mistris of her Art , there is no deceit among Trades men , no bribery among Officers , no bankrupt out of Ludgate , nor Whore out of Bridewell .

An.

And if I ha' not fitted her with a Second , my friend vex him , the Constable , then say there is no wit among Knaues , no want among Schollers , no rest in the graue , nor vnquietnesse in Mariage , d ee heare ?

Luc.

Of which here comes the truest testimony .

Enter Fitchow , Pate , Widgine , Howdee . Fit .

Out of my doores thou Miscreant .

Wid.

Nay sister . O governour , art here .

Fit .

Avoyd my house , and that presently , I le claw your skin off after your Liuory else , and make you so much nakeder then time makes all other seruing Creatures .

Luc.

Doe you talke of turning away my Man ? You shall give me leaue to turne away your Howdee first , and then put off my , God a mercy how dost thou .

Fit .

Am I ieerd ? flowted to my face ? Is this fit vsage for a Wife ?

Luc.

A Wife ? a Witch .

Fit .

A Husband ? a Hangman .

Lux

Out pusse .

Trid.

Nay sir , indeed the fault is yours most extreamly now . Pray sir forbeare to straine beyond a Womans patience .

Fit .

Am I scornd and reuild ?

Luc.

Ah , ha ha .

Fit .

Made a property for laughter ?

Luc.

A ha , ha .

Fit .

Haue I no friend , no Seruant to command ?

Luc.

Ah ha , ha ,

Fit .

Has my Ladiship made me so lamentable a thing , that I haue lost the power of a Mistris ? You sir , run and call some frends to succour me , or I le thratle you .

Luc.

Stirre but a foot sirah , or vtter but a sillable , and i le cut your thratle pipe .

How .

I shall be caru'd out betwixt them .

Fit .

What will become of me ? you , Wood-cock , Ninihammer .

Wid.

Haue you forgot my name sister ? would not Widgine become your mouth , as wel ? forget your natural brothers name ?

Fit .

Can you call me sister , and see me abus'd thus ?

Wid.

Foutre for sisters ; I am not to medle with an other mans Wife . I am about one for my selfe . You mention'd her first to me . But I must be be holden to others wits and meanes to compasse her : or else —

Luc.

Doe as I bid you , or —

How .

O sir shee 'll rend me in peeces , teare me like a Larke .

Luc.

Dost thou feare her or me . Do 't or I —

How .

Sir , there 's Master Walter can sing it rarely .

Luc.

So he shall sir , and so will all ; but you must put vs in . Beginne .

How .

Hey downe downe , &c.

sing . Wid.

Sister , Wife , and all , is a present nothing to this . Come round Gentlemen ▪ Keepe her but off , and let me alone .

They all take hands , and dance round . Widgine in the midst sings this Song . They all beare the burden , while shee scolds and striues to be amongst 'hem . Tridewell holds her off .

Wid ▪ Song . Hee that marries a Scold , a Scold , Hee has most cause to be merry : For when shee 's in her fits , he may cherish his wits By singing hey downe derry . A●l.

— Hey downe downe derry downe downe downe , &c.

Ent. Bulsinch . Bull.

I cry you mercy Gallants . I apprehend you would bee priuate .

Luc.

O no Master Bulfinch , you shall make one of our Councill .

Bull.

I apprehend Gentlemen you are merrily dispos'd ; in good sadnesse .

Wid.

Apprehend a fooles head . Come into play .

All .

I , 〈◊〉 with him , and about againe .

They pull him into the Round . Wid. He that marries a merry Lasse , He has most cause to be ●ad ; For let her goe free in her merry tricks , shee Will worke his Patience mad . But he that marries a Scold a Scold , &c. He that weds with a Roaring Girle , that will both scratch and bite ▪ Though he study all day to make her away , will be glad to please her at night . And he that copes with a sullen Wench , That scarce will speake at all , Her doggednesse more then a Scold or a Whore , Will perpetrate his Gall . All . Hey downe downe , &c. He that 's matchd with a Turtle Doue , That has no spleene about her , Shall wast so much life in the loue of his wife , He were better be without her . But hee that marries a Scold , a Scold , &c. Fit .

O scorne vpon scorne , torment vpon torment . Let me rather be buried aliue then beare this . 〈◊〉 Shee gets loose . Slaues , Rascals , get yee all out of my doores . By vertue of my nayles , I charge yee . ●e not leaue an Eye or a Nose amongst yee

Flies vpon all . How . Wid. Bull. Anv. O Lord , O Lord . Luc. Come bouncing after my boyes . Ex. singing . Fir. Oh how am I wrong'd . Ex. Omnes preter Fit . Tri . Bull . Bull.

Sure I did apprehend this mirth as ●ight as could bee possible the wrong way .

Trid.

Madame , I see too much of your vexation ; and indeed I suffer too much with you . As I am a Gentleman I will giue you right frendly Councill , if you will heare me .

Fit .

Sir I haue perceiu'd humanity in you and doe loue it in you . But I know not what to doe , nor whom to heare . I am fallen into the pit of bondage , and will take any course for my Redemption . Oh Master Bulfinch .

Tri.

This will make to my purpose .

Fir.

Sir I am wrongd beyond expression . This Gentleman is an eye witnes of my suffrings . Pray come in Sir . I will heare your counsell together with this Gentlemans aduise .

Bull.

Madame , your case is in my apprehension , most desperate , yet 〈…〉 comfort in regard you seeke aduise and counsell . Mine is euer ready , and more fortunate oftentimes the Iudicious . For I doe nothing but vpon good reason and deliberation .

The end of the third Act .
Act. IIII. Sce. I. Enter Squelch . Holdup . Vexhem . Vex.

Sir I beseech your worship , deale not so seuerely with mee .

Squ.

Sirah I will teach you how to deale with Dealers , and not with vertuous Gentlewomen ; bring Innocency before Iustice ; and be able to lay nothing to her charge .

Vex.

Indeed sir , the Captaine inform'd me of her ; and said he would be here ready to accuse her . Good sir .

Squ.

Most officious Sir . What warrant had you ? None . What is the Captaines name ? you know not . Where 's his lodgeing ? you are ignorant . But here was your cunning ; it appeares most plainely , that you thinking her to bee one of the trade , thought to make a Prey of her purse : which since your affrightment , could not make her open vnto you , you thought to make her Innocency smart for 't . I will make your Knauery smart for 't directly . Come is the Mittimus ready ? gi' mee 't —

writes and seales it . Ent. Cleark . Vex.

Good your worship , hold your hand . For my poore familie sake .

Squ.

Here take him forth , and let the next Constable conuey him to Nowgate .

Vex.

Sir 't is the first time that euer I offended in this kind . I pray your worship be of a better mind towards me .

Squ.

Away I say directly . As I am in my right Mind and Midlesex . I will shew my iustice on thee .

Vex.

Ah , ha , ha .

Squ.

Do's the Knaue laugh ? Bring him backe . May a man aske the cause of your Mirth ? Vex . Sir I haue laught at the vexation of a thousand in my dayes . I hope I may haue leaue once in my life to laugh at mine owne .

Squ.

Oh is it so ? Pray hold you merry sir .

Vex.

Ah , ha , ha , ha —

Ex. Squ.

Now Lady , whereas you were brought before me as a Delinquent , I retaine you as my Mistris . I like her beyond measure . A pretty young thing : new brought to a pace ! Ah , h● ! Shee has committed a little Countrey folly , as shee priuately confesses . What s that ● It may stand in ranke with that they call vertue here ; and then shee is content to liue as priuately as I please . Shee shall vp , I will winter and sommer her before shee shall see a high way of this Towne . Shee 's for my turne directly . Mistris Holdup , is your name say you ?

Hold.

Camitha Holdup sir . A poore Gentlewoman . My father bore the office of a Commissioner for the peace in the West countrey , till Misfortune wrought his estate out of his hands .

Squ.

Holdup ! I haue heard of him , and know what t was that sunke him . Hee liu'd by the Sea side ; t was trading with the Pirats . Buying their goods , and selling them victuals ;

Hold.

T is too true sir . He paid so dearely for 't at last , that I haue no more , but my bare breeding , and what I beare about me to liue vpon .

Squ.

Which is enough ● enough directly ; if you can beare your selfe discreetly , and containe your selfe within those bounds of Fortune , in which I le plant you . Alas good soule , weepe not ; let Money and Authority bee thy comfort . By which thou shalt feele no want , nor feare no danger . But to our busines . I haue already acquainted you with my Neece Constances disease , and that shee is remou'd out of my house for her health . I will lodge you at a trusty Tenants house where she is vnknowen . You shall take her name vpon you .

Hold.

Which is mine owne already .

Seu

And if you can but a little counterfet her Melancholly , you may freely passe for her ; and my accesses to thee , my sweet Girle , shall crowne vs with fulnes of delight and pleasure .

Hold.

Sir , you haue most worthily made me your owne ; and all my study shall be to obey you .

Squ.

Now had I but ● fit attendant for the person of my loue ▪

Hold.

Some simple honest body sir .

Squ.

Then we were fitted . How now .

Ent. Clearke . Clea.

My Lady Lucklesse man desire to speake with you .

Squ.

Stand you by vnseene a while . Send him in . I doe expect some Message now , in the behalfe of her vnlucky Ladyships wise brother , Master Widgine , touching my Neece . Now stend how do's my good Lady ?

Ent. Howd . How .

I left her very ill sir ; for she has beaten me , and thrust me out of doores with her owne hands , without penny in my purse , or other Cloake o' my back , then the bare Liuory , that a cast Seruing man can not shake off , of Knave and Beggar .

Squ.

Thou leftest her very ill indeed . But well , thou wouldst haue me bee a meanes to reestablish thee in thy Lady .

How .

In her seruice sir .

Squ.

I speake by a figure Humfrey : for to be inward with , or indeed within a Mistris , is to be a service in the most Courtly phrase .

How .

I sir . Those are conuenient Seruants sir . Wee are couenant seruants . They are respected aboue husbands : Wee abased beneath slaues . They purchase place , honors , and offices oftentimes with their Ladies 〈…〉 , when wee finde not our wages without hard words , and are in feare , ( poore snakes ) to haue our sloughes pulled ouer our eares before the yeare goe about . Wee drudge for our Ladies , they play with their Ladies : But the best is , wee labour and sweat it out for our Ladies , when they are faine to talke Physick , and lye in for their Ladies .

Squ.

Most intelligent Humfrey . Let vs retire to the purpose . Put case I haue a Mistris in store for you ; to whom I may commend you vpon my owne credit , and vndertake for your entertainment and meanes by my owne purse . What would you say ? what would you doe ?

How .

Sir , I will say ouer the Gent. vshers Grammar to you , and doe her seruice by the rules .

Squ.

Well said directly . Incipe Humfride . Say your part .

How .

In a Gentleman Vsher there be eight parts . Boldnesse , Neatnesse , Flattery and Secresie , rewarded . Diligence , Obedience Truth and Honesty , vnrewarded .

Squ.

What is his Boldnesse .

How .

His Boldnesse is the vse of his Manhood in right of his Ladies honour , degree , place or priuiledge , at home , abroad , in priuate or publique meeting , for the hand , for the w●ll , for the what she will , for the what she calls .

Squ.

How is it rewarded ?

How .

By obtaining of Sutes made out of cast Gownes or Petticoates . Which if hee be a Taylor , as most of our middle sort of Professours are , hee is thereby made a Man in spight of the prouerbe , and thrust into the high way of aduancement .

Squ.

Perge Humfrey His neatnesse now ?

How .

His neatnesse consists most diuersly ▪ sir . Not onely in the decent wearing of those cloathes and cleane linnen , pruning his haire , russling his Bootes , or ordring his shooes tyes ; these are poore expressions , a iouney man Barbar will doo 't . But to doe his office neatly , his garbe , his pace , his postures , his co●es on and his comes off , complements , his visites 〈◊〉 ▪

Squ.

His Howdees .

How .

In which a profound iudgement could be pusselled .

Squ.

I beleeue thee .

How .

And the most absolute or artificiall memory set o' the rack . To be able to relate how this Ladies tooth does ; and tother Ladies toe . How this Ladies Milk does : and how tothers Doctor lik'd her last water : how this Ladies husband ; and how tother Ladies dogge slept last night : how this childe , that Monkey , this Nurse , that Parrat , and a thousand such . Then his neatnesse in Chamber-worke , or about the person of his Lady , in case her Mayd or her Woman be otherwise occupied , to conuey a pin into her ruffe neatly , or adde a help to her head dressing , as well as Iohn among the Maydes , Lastly , his dexterity in Caruing , and his discretion in Marshalling of meates ; to giue euery messe the due seruice , and euery dish his lawfull preheminence .

Squ.

And how is this neatnesse rewarded Humfrey ?

Hum.

Doubly sir : at boord and at bed ▪ by good bits , and the loue of the Chambermayd .

Squ.

Well Humfrey , because wee will not make this scene too long , we will omit the rest : onely why are your last foure parts , Diligence , Obedience , Truth and Honesty vnrewarded ?

How .

Sir . They are parts that spring out of vertue , and are therefore borne with their reward in their mouthes , and ought to expect no further from any seruice in these times .

Squ.

Most edifying Humfrey . I haue a Mistris in store for thee .

How .

I long to see her sir .

Squ.

Didst thou never see my Neece Constance ?

How .

No sir . But I haue heard shee is diseas'd with Melancholly ; and if she should proue mad too , like my old Lady , I were then as farre to seeke as ere I was .

Squ.

Feare it not Humfrey . My 〈◊〉 ease thy care . Neece come forth . [ Enter Holdup . ] I shall fit you with a seruant . Fall to your Postures Humfrey . Your Garbe . [ He does his postures ] So . Your Pace . So . Your Congie . So . Hand your Lady . Good . Arme your Lady . Good still . Side your Lady . Very good . Draw out your Lady . Excellent . Present your Lady . Singular well , good Humfrey .

How .

Sir , I can Shoulder my Lady too : but that is when she takes Coach ; and Foot my Lady , when she alights .

Squ.

Precious Humfrey , I admire thy Art .

How .

I learnt all of a good old Ladies man in the Strand sir , that must be namelesse .

Squ.

Now Humfrey , Walke your Lady to the Burse .

How .

O most Hostlerly spoken ! Vnder correction sir , Wayt your Lady I pray sir .

Squ.

Well said Humfrey . Here 's something for my instruction . Now wayt your Lady to the Burse . She has some trifles to buy there . I will finde you there presently , and conduct you to your lodging .

Giues her money . Hold.

What shall I doe with all this sir ? I would indeed but buy an ounce or two of threed ; some Netting pins and Needles , and a Frame to flourish my worke on . Hereafter I will worke in gold and siluer , if you please , for your owne wearing .

Squ.

As I would wish ! her simplicity takes mee aboue her beauty . Goe I say . I 'le follow . Mee thinkes I eene feele my selfe , thanke my selfe for being in this good humour . What I haue is mine owne , and I will be merry with it directly . —

Ex.
Act. IIII. Sce. II. Enter Fitchow , Tridewell , Bulfinch , Widgine , Anuile . Fitc.

Gentlemen , you now know the calamity I suffer vnder . And you haue shew'd mee the best way to comfort : for which I thanke you . I haue giuen you my resolution for a Divorce , vpon condition . Before which , I must promise you nothing sir . But I assure you in the meane time , you stand prime in my affection : for I haue in all found you a right worthy Gentleman .

Tri.

Madame , I haue not vtterance to declare my acceptance of your loue . It must therefore be lock'd vp in my breast , the treasure of my heart . Now for the condition vpon which your Divorce depends , we must see that perform'd , and then —

Fitc.

Sir , I will make good more then I now may promise .

Tri.

You speake nobly .

Fit .

It relishes a little ● do much of womanly wilfulnesse I confesse . But all my wilfulnesse ( that I 'le promise you sir ) shall die in the end of this businesse .

Tri.

Well then , before your discreet neighbour M. Bulfinch here . If you haue not your will in this , I will disclaime in your favour hereafter . Sir , the condition is ( as you may remember —

Bul.

I apprehend it Sir . That sir Paul Squelch his Neece be first married or contracted , and then she consents to a divorce : And that you be assistant to her brother here to obtaine her for him .

Tri.

To which I promise my ready helpe , onely I must not appeare in the businesse .

Bul.

I will onely appeare in it , for I will not be seene in the matter .

Tri.

As how sir ?

Bul.

As thus sir . I will keepe your counsell : not onely in holding my peace to all the world , but in saying nothing to sir Paul himselfe . D ee apprehend me sir ?

Tri.

And thanke you sir . Now every man to his part M. Widgine , You haue both your sisters and my best directions already , which I doubt not but with the helpe of your Governor you will make good vse of . Madame will you in , and but wish well to our proceedings , and trouble your thoughts no further .

Ex. seuerally . An.

Sir , what helpe he has of me , is for the Ladies and his owne sake , not your's d ee heare .

Wid.

No blustring now good Governour : Prithee restraine thy fury . Thou canst never heare nor speak to that Gent. with any patience ; and yet he is on our side now . Prithee let 's loose no time . I never long'd more for my mothers comming from a Christning , then to be at this Northern Lasse . —

Exe.
Act. IIII. Sce. III . Enter Tridewell , Trainewell , Holdup . Tri.

Wanton , you haue begun propitiously : Proceede but confidently , and I 'le warrant thee a wealthy husband by it , or a composition that may proue the better purchase .

Hol.

Sir , be you and this Lady but as confident of my fidelity , and trust me in this action , and if I breake not the toyles your Kinsman is in , and make you Mistris of my Intrest in sir Paul , let all the good you intended me , bee a lockram Coife , a blew Gowne , a Wheele and a cleane Whip . You are sure the Lady will yeild to Diuorce , if Constance whom I now personate be first maried or contracted .

Tri.

Right . Shee do's but hold off till then , and that wilfully ; because shee feares it is for Constances loue onely , that her Husband desires the Divorce .

Hel.

And you are sure that Constance is safe from her discouery .

Try

I vpon the hazard of my discretion .

Hol.

To any then that knowes her not very well , If I appeare not the same Constance — you haue giuen me her Character right ?

Tra.

The best that we can possibly .

Hol.

Nay , I haue a further helpe then , you both imagine yet .

Tri. Tra.

May wee know it .

Hol.

It shall be no secret . My Seruant Howdee , whom you and sir Paul , suppose his Lady turn'd away , was by her Ladiship taught onely to faigne it ; and cunningly instructed to worke himselfe into the seruice of Constance , to further her brothers proceedings . And since fortune has put him vpon me , whom hee takes to bee the same Mistris , if I make not apt vse of it —

Tri.

T is most fairely omenous . Come Lady . Hee cannot . but bee at hand ; and our stay may doe hurt , ( You remember the Doctors lodging I told you of , and sir Phillips appointment to meet you there an houre hence ?

Tra.

All sir . I would vse no other . She is there already . Ex.

Tri.

No more then ; away . Fare you well sweet Creature .

Ex. Hol.

If my deceit now , should bee discouered , before my worke be ended , my Brain tricks might perhaps , in stead of all these faire hopes , Purchase me the Lash . fore Venus . my flesh eene trembles to thinke on 't . It brings likewise into my consideration , the basenesse of my condition ; how much vnpittied the punishment of a Whore is , and how sodainely it ouertakes her ? My ioynt Conspiratours are in no danger . I only run the hazard , though they are as deepe in fact as my selfe . Well . If I scape this pull , and draw any fortune by 't , I le change my function sure . A common Whore ? I le be a Nun rather . They come most fitly , and I must into my fit — Withdrawes behind the hanging .

Act. IIII. Sce. IIII . Enter Widgine , Anvile , Howdee . How .

Indeed sir , it was my Ladies plot , but you must take no notice of it .

Wid.

I le thanke her with all my heart , and shee shall neuer know on 't .

How .

But if sir Paul , my now Master should discouer my deceit , how shall I scape his vengeance .

An.

What dost thou thinke of me , weake fellow ? Am not I a Commander , ha ?

How .

I , in the warre Captaine : but hee is a Iustice of Peace , and a Commander of Captaines in Midlesex , sends two or three drunken Ones to Newgate at a clap sometimes .

Wid.

Feare no discouery Humfrey . Let me but see her , and I le warrant thee .

How .

Shee 'll see none but sir Phillip , you must be no body else . Remember that : you must know no other name you haue . Now if you can sir Phillip it handsomely there 's it .

Wid.

I warrant thee , and my Gouernour shall sir Phillip me at euery word ; and if I doe not sir Phillip her , better then euer shee was Phillips in her life , then say I am no Legitimate Widgine .

Hol.

●is pa●● your strength or reach either by forty I beleeue . I doubt your midle finger is too short Master Widgine .

How .

Well , I must venter it . Here shee comes . Has a Baby .

Wid.

What 's shee doing . Ods me ● making a Baby I thinke Are you good at that ifaith ? I le be at that sport with you , it shall cost me a fall else .

How .

Oh shee has a hundred such ● pish toyes . E●ne now shee was great with Child forsooth as shee could goe . And was perswaded she had a Child as big as I in her belly . I wondred at it , and shee told me shee had had a hundred there as big in her dayes .

Wid.

What , what ?

How .

I but shee knew not what shee said . By and by , I must be a Man-Midwife forsooth and deliuer her : for t was past all Womans skill ? Now shee thinkes shee is brought a bed , and nurses the Child her selfe .

Wid.

And who 's the father ?

How .

O none but sir Phillip .

Wid.

I le father it as well as hee . I st a Boy or a Girle trow ▪ Would shee would make a Christning Banquet while wee are here . Harke shee sings .

Song . Peace wayward Barne ; O cease thy mo●e : Thy farre more wayward Daddy 's gone : And neuer will recalled be By cryes of either thee , or me : For should wee cry , vntill wee dye , Wee could not scent his cruelty . Ballow , Ballow , &c. Hee needs might in himselfe foresee , What thou successiuely might'st be ; And could hee then , ( though me foregoe ) His Infant leaue , ere hee did know , How like the Dad would bee the Lad , In time , to make fond Maydens glad Ballow , ballew , &c. Wid.

How is this pretty Mrs. Constance , that you complaine of your Loue before he be lost ?

Hol.

Who be you I pray ?

Wid.

Pray thee tell her Gouernour . I ha'not the heart to lye now .

Anv.

It is sir Phillip Lady , come to doe you right . De● heare ?

Hol.

Yes sir , I heare you vary weell ; and could eene wish i' my heart I could beleeue you .

Anv.

Speake your selfe sir .

Wid.

You may Mistris Constance ; for as I am an honest man , I neuer meant to wrong you .

Hol.

I doe beleeue you sir . But pray protest no more by that name till you make your selfe such by marying me . You haue getten a barne by me , I is sure o'th at .

Wid.

I come for the same purpose Sweet-heart . I le both father and keepe thy Child , and make thee an honest Woman . Giue mee your hand before this Gentleman , and your Seruant here ; and say but the word ; I le get a Licence presently , fetch you away , and dispatch you to night .

Sing . Hol.

Marry mee , marry me , quoth the bonny Lasse : and when will you beginne .

Wid.

As for thy wedding Lasse wee 'll doe well enough , in spight ● ' the best o' thy Kinne .

Hol.

I can but thanke you , obey you , and pray for you sir .

Wid.

Gouernour ; wilt thou beleeue me ? It eene pitties my heart , to wrong so sweet a peece of simplicity . But Fortune has drest her for me to seed on ; and I le fall to .

Anv.

Or the Deuill to choake you . Well boystrous Master Tridewell , your Ropes end hath driuen me into a busines , here , deserues a whole Rope . But I hope that Destiny attends not me , though this Mariage be his : And since it is his Fate , faire befall it him , I am discharg'd

Wid.

Come Gouernour , we are agreed le ts goe that wee may hye vs againe , and dispatch .

Hol.

Nay sir . You shall not say , you married me for nought : you shall heare me sing before you goe .

Anv.

What an Owsell t is ● shee meanes hee shall marry her for a Song . Byrlady a competent Moderne portion .

Hol. Song . As I was gathring Aprill's flowers , He● streight let fall one of his showers ; Which draue me to an arbour . T were better I my Lap had fill'd . Although the wet my clothes had spill'd , Then to ha' found that harbour For there a subtile Serpent was , Close lying , lurking in the Grasse . And there while harmelesse thinking I , Still watching when the showre would dye , Lay listning to a Bird , That singing sate vpon the Bower , Her noates vnto the falling showre , the Snake beneath me stird ; And with his sting gaue me a clap , that swole my belly not my lap . Wid.

By my troth t is pretty .

Hol.

And by my conscience t is true , t were made i' Durham , on a Lasse of my bignesse .

Anv.

And in thy clothes I beleeue .

Hol.

But will you be gan now , than all my ioy leaues me .

Wid.

Sweet soule , thou shalt haue thy ioy againe . I will ioy thee , enioy thee , and ouer ioy thee . Gouernour let vs fly about this busines . I will not sleepe , before I haue got a License , stolne her away , wedded her , bedded her , and put her in her wits againe .

Anv.

Are you able to doe that thinke you ?

Wid.

I le warrant thee : for all Maids are mad till they bee maried .

Anv.

What say you to that Lady . Pox on you , I runs sweet hazard to aduance your fortune , doe I not ?

Hol.

Remember your Couenant with Master Tridewell Captaine . And when the worke is done , here 's my hand , you shall partake of what I get by 't . And harke you .

Wid.

Shee may perhaps , when shee comes to her selfe , and finds me to be no sir Phillip , be a litle startled . But I meane the first night to put so much of my owne loue into her , as shall worke out his I doubt not , or any his that came there before mee .

Ent. Howdee . How .

O Gentlemen ! my Masters comming , all s spoild if hee take you . Part quickly .

Hol.

Is mine Vncle comd ? and mun we part than ?

An.

Kisse , and part ; kisse and part .

Wid

Sweet heart , not a word of mee till I come to fetch you off with honour .

Hol.

All benisons bee with you . Indeed you be the goodliest man , that ere made Maiden faine .

Wid

Poore heart shee dotes . I doe not know how much I am in debt to my conscience , till I haue made her amends . —

Ext. Hol.

This may breed good blood . If I come but as well off o' my old Vncle , as am like to come on with my young Cosen , here will be a match vnlook'd for ; a match without treaty ; a match vntalk'd or vnheard of . Hee is comming before I haue shifted my face . Mee thinks I heare the rusting of his bristles hither . Yet my lips must stand the assault ; pray loue the Porcupine , leaue none of his quills in 'hem .

Act. IIII. Sce. V. Enter Squelch to Holdup . Squ.

Where 's my Girle ? My hony sweet Girle ? Kisse mee ; Kisse I say directly : I 'le secure thee . As I am a Man of Authority , and that of Midlesex , I 'le secure thee . Ha my Lasse , these lips haue the true Elixir in 'hem indeede , to restore youth and strength ; past all Medeas charmes , or what the Poets would haue fained . How now 〈…〉 Loue ? I hope my Neeces habit has not wrought her disease into thee .

Hol.

No : now I see you sir , I am well : perfectly well : yet pardon me sir . Your absence cannot but breed me feare , when I haue leasure to thinke on my vnworthy condition , and the danger I vndergoe in 't .

Squ.

'T was a thousand pitties that this Wench was seduc'd . Shee might haue made a Wife for a good Esquire . Shee would serue a Tradesman yet , most vnblemishably . And when I haue done with her , doing that for her , as I meane to doe . She may perhaps match with a younger brother , purchase him a place , aduance his fortune , to bee able in the end to repay she with a Ladiship . 'T is not without a president ; and I will help her to follow the example directly . For what I haue is mine owne , and I will be merry with it . Ha my bird , my chick ● Kisse me . Kisse me vp . So . Kisse me vp I say . So againe . Thou hast don 't directly . Maintaine it now , with a cordiall kisse . So , so , so ▪ Good . Very good ; and while it is so , a word with you in priuate . Come my bird , mh mh mh .

Enter Howdee . How .

Sit , there 's a woman below . —

Squ.

Sir , what haue I to doe with any woman below : Doe you with your woman below , I am very well here .

How .

Is the olde man mad trow . Sir , shee will haue to doe with you aboue , if you speak not with her below . I had much a doe to keepe her downe stayres , her case is so lamentable she sayes . I neuer saw a woman so importunate in my life sir . You must downe sir .

Squ.

I am downe already . All 's naught . What limb of the devill is 't ? Do'st thou know her ?

How .

Shee sayes shee is wife to a Constable sir , that you lately committed ; and if your Wor. dos not release him presently , that hee 's vndone , and shee 's vndone , all their children are vndone , that vnborne in her belly is vndone , and I know not how many more are vndone for euer .

Squ.

Hell take her . How could she know that I was here ?

How .

Shee spied you in the Streete sir , and followed you , and follow you shee would , had you gone into the Priuy Chamber she sweares ; her cause enforces her she sayes . And shee is so great with childe too , that no man dares giue her a thrust to keepe her back . I heare her blow vp stayres .

Son

Keepe her downe , I 'le follow thee —

Ex. How . Hol.

Good sir be pittifull for the womans sake , and release him . Perhaps her reckoning is out , and she has no body to call the Midwife .

Squ.

I must home to my Clearke then : for I cannot write here ; nor do any good besides I am so vex'd . But I will returne to thee in the evening , Duck : And since I am so apt to be spied , ● will come disguis'd .

Hol.

Indeed I 'le put out the Candle when you are here then , for I shall never endure to see other shape of Man . O these trunke ho●● are a comely wearing .

Squ.

I will be disguis'd directly . I will runne through all the shapes of Iupiter , before I will againe be prevented . Farewell . O my sweet ! At seuen in the euening expect me . —

Exit . Hol.

Sweet sayst thou ? Thou art not I 'le sweare . I am glad he was prevented . I should never held out a course with him , that cannot endure a breathing : a Cheese-shop on fire cannot out-stinke him .

Enter Ho●d●● . How .

Your Vncle 's gone Mistris , and sayes hee will be here at seuen a clock againe . But shall I tell you a fiue thing Mistris ?

Hol.

Yea marry Humfrey , what may that be and t is not of Sir Phillip

How .

But it is of him Mistris . Hee sayes hee will bring a Coach for your at sixe a clock to fetch you away : will you goe with him ?

Hol.

By my saule that will I an 't be all the world over .

How .

How shall you Vncle finde you at 7 then ?

Hol.

Wee 'll leaue him at six and seauens . I meane betwixt both . 'T will be trim trust me . And hear'st thou me Humfrey . Thou must bid Mistris Traynwell sonne to me a little before six ● for a very good reason .

How .

Hmh —

Hol.

Nay , it shall hinder nothing . Wee 'le away the faster .

How .

I thinke she be in her wits already . If not , I must humour her , though I bee put to the trouble to shift her away againe . Shee shall marre no sport that 's certaine .

Hol.

Come with me Humfrey , thou shalt goe eene now , and tell her ; and I 'le be packing vp the while . —

Ex. How .

This Clinches . I shall winne my Ladies heart for euer . To mannage two such businesses more , were enough to raise me Agent for a State .

Ext. The end of the fourth Act .
Act. V. Scene I. Pate in a Doctors habit . Traynwell , Constance . Pate .

To discourse a tedious Lecture vnto you , Lady , in speaking philosophically of the disease of Melancholly , were to shew more learning then discretion . There are large volumes of it in Print , to very slender purpose .

Tra.

Sir , I desire rather your discretion , then the glosse of Learning . I am rather govern'd by the wholsome effects of the one , then the smooth directions of the other .

Pa.

To the point then Lady . I see no reason why I should vexe and torment this delicate and tender body , with Physick . Her disease is Melancholly ; The cause of this disease I haue found apparantly in the two houres probation since you left her with me , to be Loue , which shee hath so greedily taken in , that it hath overwhelm'd her spirits , and turn'd the faculties of all her senses into a rude confusion , sending forth the vse of them extravagantly .

Tra.

Sir , I must not onely approue , but applaud your skill . T is loue indeed , And ● am right glad that your opinion iumps with my owne knowledge : for now I doubt not of your speedy addresse to the cure .

Pa.

'T is done in three words . The Party that shee loues , must be the Doctor , the Medicine , and the Cure .

Tra.

Sir , the Gentleman is below , he came with me , onely I would not bring him to her fight without your approbation , scaring it might doe hurt .

Pa.

Pray call him vp , on perill of my judgement . Ex. Tray . Giue me your hand Mrs. Constance . I haue good newes for you .

Con.

T is a long whayle ●ine I hear● ony .

Pa.

The Gentleman , whom you loue best , shall be your bed-fellow .

Con.

He is wed already Sir . Another wife would gar him be put downe at gallowes : an ● I would not bee shee for all the wordly good that ere I saw with 〈…〉 . And o' my conscience I le be none of his 〈…〉

Pa.

She prattles very prettily me thinks . Married already ? Sure Cupid shot you with a forked arrow out of his Crosbow . But what will you say Lady , if by my Ar● I render this Gentleman vnmarried againe , and a Suter vnto you presently ?

Con.

Marry ▪ shall I tell you what I 'le say sir ? That deserues hanging worse then tother matter , you would poyson his wife by your Art , wod yee ? and make your gowne there the Hangmans ●ee the second time ? It lookes as it had beene once his already ; and you like such a Doctor I must tell yee , by your leaue . God blesse me fro thee . Mrs. Traynwell where are you ?

Pate .

Out of her wits say they ? I feare shee is wiser then all of vs , that haue to doe with her . Shee knowes my gowne better than I doe : for I haue had but two houres acquaintance with it . 'T is no longer since I hir'd it of the hangmans Merchant a Broker . It might ha' beene Lopus gowne for ought I know .

Act. V. Scene . II. Enter Traynwell and Lucklesse to them . Tray.

They are falne out I thinke .

Con.

O Mrs. Traynwell , for deare Charities sake ha' me soone fro' this Man : for I 'le nere take ony thing at him . Hee talkes of poysoning .

Pa.

By my faith you wrong me : Nor of any poysoning purpose . I was but putting a case of —

Con.

Pray put vp your Pipes sir . I like not your Musicke : troth nor his countenance nather . Sweet Mrs. Traynwell gar me be shut on him . Now all the joyes of Immortality light o' yee sir .

To Lucklesse . Pa.

Is that the Gent ?

Tra.

Yes sir . Pray obserue . But how fell you out sir ?

Pa.

I must first salute him by your favour . Sir , all the accumulations of honour showre downe vpon you .

Luc

Sir . May you reape the whole harvest of your fruitfull wishes .

Con.

Deare sir , keepe further fro' him .

Pate .

But one word sweet Lady ; and you shall haue the whole benefit of his presence to your selfe .

Tra.

Be not afraid sweet-heart , he dares not hurt sir Phillip .

Con.

In troth he breathes to neare him .

Tra

I le warrant you . What has hee done to moue her thus ? I know not what this obscure Doctor is . But M. Tridewell put me vpon him ; and his approved honesty has and must kill all m●s trust in me .

Pate .

Your Coach is ready at dore you say .

Luc.

Ye● my most delicate Doctor .

Pate .

As you finde her then after a few words away with her . I haue perform'd my part sir . I 'le hold the discreet gouernesse in talke in the next roome .

Con

But one word call yee this ?

Pate .

I ha' done sweet soule . Lady I haue instructed the gent. shall we leaue them ?

Try

One word , by your leaue first M. Doctor , and I 'le attend you . Sir not alone my Discretion , but my Reputation lies at stake : and I make no doubt of your noblenesse vpon your Kinsmans word , my Complotter in this busines . Therefore while I hold argument with the Doctor ( who shal by no meanes perceiue our deceit ) slip you away with her in your Coach , where M. Tridewell ▪ hath appointed , till the Euening ; and let me alone to scuffle with the old man the while ▪ And then I doubt not all our troblesome labours shall haue a peaceable end . I le send old Mad-cap to your Lady in a Thunder-clap . But noble sir , your reputation —

Luc.

My life and honour be her Guard , and your security .

Tra.

No more sir . I le lay no coniurations vpon so noble a spirit . Come Master Doctor —

Soft Musick . Ex. Tra. Pate . Luc.

But doe you loue me Constance ?

Con.

O right weell sir .

Luc.

And will you be my Woman ?

Con.

I is sure , i le nener be mine owne else .

Luc.

But you will not goe away with mee now , if I request you ?

Con.

Any whither but to bed before wee be married .

Luc.

What from your Gouernesse , your Vncle , and all the World ?

Con.

And thanke you too sir . And ta' mee but fro' this ill looking Doctor ; for I shall be weell with you sir .

Luc.

Come , since you trust me so well , wee two will not part till wee are lawfully made one .

Con.

Heauen blisse the houre you speake in , and all Saints be witnesses .

Ex.
Act. V. Sce. III . Enter Squelch , meeting Trainewell , and Pate . Musick continues . Squ

Where 's this Doctor ? where 's this melancholly Gentlewoman ?

Tra.

O me is hee come ?

Pa.

Is this her Vncle ?

Tra.

Euen he sir . Where 's my charge ; Mistris Constance ?

Pa.

Saue yee sir I le goe find her —

Ex. Squ.

Where 's my charge ? I le goe find her ! What 's the meaning ?

Tra.

Shee was here but now sir , while the Musick plaid . And wee withdrew our sclues , thinking she might sleepe sir .

Squ.

There went a Coach away as I came in . Whose was it ?

Tra.

A Coach sir ? Alas I am affraid ; my flesh trembles .

Squ.

At what in your great Master the Diuels name ? Where 's my Neece ?

Tra.

Sir here came in one Master Widgine , the Lady Luckles brother —

Squ.

Well .

Tra.

As acquainted with the Doctor sir —

Squ.

Well , well .

Tra.

And he saw her sir . But seem'd to depart , when wee withdrew our selues to talke about the cure .

Squ.

Very very well . While you were wisely talking about the cure , a Widgine flies away with the Patient . Where 's this Doctor ? Doctor I say . Doctor ! Hee 's run away too , my life on 't . A meere plot , a Conspiracie ; t is so directly , below there . I can not see how it can bee otherwise . Ent. Cleark . Saw you the Doctor ? Yes sir , hee went now forth at the water-Gate , and tooke boat in hast .

Squ.

Exceeding well ▪ How came your Discretion acquainted with this Doctor ?

Tra.

Sir he was reported to me by very good Iudgements , to be a rare Practitioner .

Squ.

A most rare fellow , and do's admirable tricks , by slight of heeles . But I may perhaps out-run 'hem —

Ex. Tra.

My purge workes as I wisht . I am amus'd though at the flight of the Doctor . But I haue too many businesses to intertaine new thoughts .

Ex.
Act. V. Sce. V. Enter Tride well , Fitchow . Fit .

May I beleeue it , Good sir ? may I be so happy , that my brother has her ?

Tri.

As I haue truth in me , I am most credibly told so . Mary the worst is , her Vncle is so mad at their escape , that hee will neuer giue consent to the match , whereby her portion will bee lesse .

Fit .

Hang him Clod . My will shall be a portion sufficient to my brother , I care not , though hee giue her not a penny , so Wat has the Wench .

Tri.

Make you noe more doubt of that , then I doe Madame , who haue vpon the report of it already , prepard the Learned of the Ciuill Law , those that you nominated of your good acquaintance , and are forward to doe you the best office , who haue appointed to meet before the IUdge of the Archdeacons Court presently , whither I haue promised to bring , and will attend you .

Fit .

But the other side must be summond by processe .

Tri.

Sir Phillip hath warning already Madame ; and without needlesse processe will bee there before you , and wait your comming . So that my selfe and his seruant , who haue neuer beene both absent from one of your companies , since your Mariage , iustly deposing you neuer did the reallest Rite of Mariage , the bed office , Madame ; you both consenting , and desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without any proceedings in Law . So that all will be ended in three whispers . Ods pitty , looke who here is .

Act. V. Sce. V. Enter Squelch to Fitchow . Squ.

O are you here my Lady Lucklesse ?

Fit .

T was time you found me sir ; you might ha' mistaken my name else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd the ancient title of your friend , and Awdery Fitchow .

Squ.

Slow wov , where is my Neece ?

Fit .

Where are your wits sir ? you come vpon me indeed ● What Neece ? What 's the matter ?

Squ.

My Neece Constance , that your brother Widgine stole from the Doctor , and is stowne away withal . But hee must not thinke to scape so ? I may take him , and his Duck too , in my Decoy , before they be coupled , as sure as your Ladiship or your Fitchow ship , and they thinke your selues .

Fit .

Sure the old Gentleman is fallen mad . What hath happend ?

Squ.

The plot smels of your Ladiships policy ; your Ladiships Lilly white fist is foule in the busines . But I will haue a bout at fisticuffs in Law with your Ladyship : your great acquaintance , and alliance in the Whatshical . Court No●●b●● 〈◊〉 your power there must not cary it , my great Lady . Directly it must not .

Fit .

Your ●re an vnciuill greasie Companion , to vpbraid and reuile me thus in my owne house .

Tri.

O good Madame , hurt not your selfe with anger better laugh it out .

Fit .

Hee makes me forget my selfe by his example . Sir you are a Commissioner for the Peace I take it . Do's it become a Man of your place and grauity , to fly out in these extreames ? You spend too much breath in these lowd noates , very hurtfull to the Lungs , If you will fall into a lower Key , and speake peaceably , I will answere you .

Squ.

I pray you , Forsooth , or sweet Madame , or what you please ; Where is my Neece ?

Fit .

Will you beleeue mee sir ? you may : For t is Truth , as I haue any ; And before this worthy Gentleman ; I neuer saw your Neece in my life ; only I haue heard shee is a pretty Gentlewoman : likely to make a good Match , for which I told my brother of her , and would haue treated with you for her , could I haue spoken with you as I wish'd by two or three Messages . But whither my brother has got her , or wher hee , or shee is of my owne knowledge , I cannot say directly .

Squ.

Shee mocks me to my face all this while . Well good-Wife , Mistris , Madame —

Fit .

Well my Lord Innekeepers second Sonne : Do's your Provender prick you ?

Squ.

Prick Madame : I tell thee thou Thing , made vp of Chippings , broken Beare , Candle-ends , and sisting of Sea cole .

Fit .

out you Curry-combe .

Tri.

Forbeare sweet Lady , let him be mad by himselfe .

Squ.

I will be so reueng'd —

Fit .

How pray ?

Squ.

Hee had beene better to haue kild a Man , rauish'd ● Virgiue ; nay , done the most dangerous contempt that law could deuise to punish , then if I take him to suffer vnder my reuenge .

Fit .

Ha , ha , ha .

Squ.

I le muster vp my Constables , and send out a priuy search immediately . —

Ex. Tri.

What thinke you of your Brothers successe , now Madame ?

Fit .

Much the better , that it vexes him so : Sciruy foule unouth'd fellow .

Tri.

Looke you now Madame . See who here comes .

Act. V. Sce. VII. Enter Widgine , Holdup , Howdee . Wid.

Sister fall downe , and adore me for my great atchieuement . Humfrey kneele downe to her that shee may dub thee for thy seruice . Neuer did the best nos'd Dogs , that euer were coach'd for their goodnesse , hunt more truely , take more brauely , and cary away more cleanely , then we haue done this dainty peece of flesh here . Sister kisse her , and be better acquainted : shee is mine owne flesh , I le vphold it .

Tri.

Shee is a Holdup her selfe , if I mistake not her name .

Fit .

Being your flesh brother , her nearest affinity of blood runs in my veines . Therefore with a sisters loue I embrace you , and bid you welcome .

Hold.

Mine Vncle will by right wood I feare me . But I le neare greet for that sir , while I haue your loue .

Fit .

I know it is shee by her tongue , though I neuer heard her before . Nor euer feare sweet sister , wee shall be all frends shortly .

Hold.

I would be glad and t were so .

Wid.

Sister come hether . Now heare and admire my wit ; as well as my Fortune . Humfrey come and take thy share of my sisters wonder .

How .

I hope I perform'd my duty .

Wid.

Which wee must not see vnrewarded sister .

Fit .

No : I meane to giue him my Maid , and a hundred Marks with her , besides all shee has about her .

How .

I am made for euer . I thanke your languishing Ladiship .

Fit .

Well said Howdee : for my Ladiship is eene at the last gaspe . I am to bee Diuorc'd within this halfe houre . But your proceedings brother ? How did shee receiue you at first ?

Wid.

O at first , shee was the prettiliest mad that ere you saw . You your selfe can not deuise to be so mad , as shee was .

Fit .

I thanke you sir .

Wid.

And all for sir Phillip , shee would loue none but sir Phillip , speake to none but sir Phillip . I told her I was sir Phillip , ( ah God a mercy Humfrey : that was thy inuention . ) Then the litle Viper hang vpon me , not to be shak'd off , til I promis'd her Mariage , and to father a Child , which , in her distraction , shee conceited shee had by me . I promis'd her any thing ; so tooke her into an inner too me , to make all sure , as well within as without ; and I so phillipt her —

Fit .

Enough brother , no more . I vnderstand you .

Wid.

But I must haue more , and shall neuer haue enough on 't . It passeth your vnderstanding and mine too , the delight of it . [ Sing ] Oh what a delight shee gaue me . And how light I am after 〈◊〉 Heigh . My pretty sweet Rascall .

Fit .

Enough I say .

Wid.

You doe not loue to heare on 't , because you lack it . But you shall heare the Miracle it wrought sister . The losse of her Mayden head recouerd her wits . I made her right and streight in an instant . And now shee loues me in my owne person ; knowes me for a Widgine , and will not giue her Wat for the best sir Philip of them all . And longs for nothing but the Priest and Bed time . Ha my sweeter and sweeter I My Gouernour 's gone for a Licence .

Fit .

So , ha you done now ?

Wid.

I le vndertake —

Fit .

Yet againe .

Wid.

That Humfrey , and I with the tricks and trinkets , wee haue about vs will cure all the mad Maids of her standing in the Towne . And doe not thinke , but much may be gotten to professe it .

Tri.

You haue made a large relation Master Widgine , and a pleasant , I doubt not .

Wid.

Oh I could liue and dye in this discourse sir .

Tri.

Lady doe you thinke of the time ?

Fit .

I will instantly along with you . Hewdee come you with me . Brother , the search hath past this house already . You any goe in with your Sweet-heart , and stay here safely . Goe in , and keepe close , till I send to meet me at Supper .

Wid.

In and in sister , and be close enough , feare not —

Ex. Fit .

Now sir when you please .

Tri.

I am your seruent Lady —

Ex.
Act. V. Sce. VIII. Enter Traynwell and Vexhem . Vex.

Mistris , I will goe no further in this businesse , then you haue limited me in your directions : 't will be revenge enough for my disgrace to make him see his error .

Tra.

Therefore be discreet and secret . The disguise hee is in I haue told you . The place is this . At the dore you shall leaue me . The houre 7 a clock .

Vex.

Mistris , I will not watch more truly at Midnight , then I will pray for you for this Discouery . I will instantly call my priuy-search , guard , and catch a bird , of Iustice in the lime-twigs of his owne Warrant . —

Exeunt .
Act. V. Scene IX. Enter Nonsense and Beanis . Nons.

I tit not speak with Sir Paule then , it seemes , to know the reason why I am subdoodled thus , In I protest and vow a kind of fooles Paradise .

Bea.

Good sir beare your iniury with a Mans patience . Sir Paule will not be long absent . And till hee comes , my Mistris entreates you ( for your owne good ) to take his part vpon you , in giving entertainment to divers of his friends , who are invited hither to a Feast to night .

Non.

H● you any Whitpots ?

Bea.

Much better meat sir . But here 's the strangenesse of it ; and the onely occasion that requires you ayde in the entertainment . This great Supper or feast ( as I may properly call it ) was appointed by Sir Poule himselfe , the money to buy the Provisioned deliver'd by his owne hand , to his own Servant ; the Guests of his owne election ; vet he , out of the multiplicity of crosse effaires , that haue happ'ned this day , hath quite forgot that there was any such preparation , or any such meeting intended , as appeares evidently by his absence . But my Mistris has got all the meate privately made ready at the next house , on purpose that he should should see nothing —

Non.

To try is he would forget it or no ?

Bea.

Right sir . I haue bidden all the Guests : and expect them immediatly .

Non.

But what must I say to 'hem ?

Bea.

Onely salute 'hem , bid 'hem welcome ; Tell 'hem Sir Paule was hastily call'd forth on his Majesties affaires ; Entreat their patience till his returne , which you know will be every sodaine although you know not where he is ; and so forth , as occasion serues .

Ent. Bulfinch and Cleark . Bul.

Your Master abroad and not within say you ?

Clea.

Yes . But good sir stay his comming , I pray you , for his good .

Bul.

I partly apprehend you at full . Mistris Traynwell appointed me to come too with all possible speede . M. Nonsense you are well apprehended .

Non.

Onely salute 'hem , bid 'hem welcome . Tell 'hem Sir Paule was hastily call'd forth on his Maiesties affaires . Entreat their patience till his returne , which you know will bee very sodaine , although you know not where he is . And so forth as occasion serues .

Bul.

Loue has made you a Courtier . M Nonsense

Non.

No I protest and vow . I doe but speake as they say . —

Bea.

What haue you said Sir ?

Non.

What you said I haue an ill verbatim else .

Bea.

I said but the meaning of what you should say , and put it in your owne words .

Non.

No sir . I will take your owne words for this matter .

Bea.

I am beholden to you .

Clea.

I am glad Fortune has sent one man of Civill government before the Roarers come . Here comes some of 'hem already . I 'le downe and looke to the rest of the house .

Enter Lucklesse , Constance , disguis'd and Masqu'd . Luc.

Saue you sir . Are you the Worshipfull of the house ?

Bul.

I apprehend you sir . —

Luc.

How sir ? —

Draw . Bul.

Mistake me not I beseech you , I apprehend you to be some great stranger here : because you know the place better then the Master of it .

Luc.

You doe not mock me sir ?

Bea.

Sir , This is one of the Guests ?

Non.

Onely salute 'hem . Bid 'hem welcome —

Luc.

What 's this ?

Non.

Tell 'hem Sir Paule was hastily call'd forth on his Maiesties affaires —

Luc.

Is this a Parrat or a Popingay ?

Non.

Entreat their patience till his return , which you know .

Luc.

Doe you know what you say sir ?

Non.

Will be very sodaine , although you know not where hee is —

Luc.

If I did I would not seeke him here sir .

Non.

And so forth as occasion serues .

Luc.

This is some inchaunted Place , and the people are charm'd . I haue mistaken the house sure .

Enter Tridewell and Fitchew disguis'd and Masqu'd . Tri.

Where 's this hospitable Knight that invites Strangers . I meane meere Strangers , that hee knowes not . Shew me the Lad of bounty . I hunger not for his Sapper as I doe to salute him .

Luc.

Hee will proue the greatest stranger here himselfe I thinke , for he is not at home sir . I am a Guest as you are , and would be as glad to see him .

Tri.

He dos not meane to ieare vs dos he ?

Bea.

I beseech you mistake not so his purpose sir : which is faire welcome , and good cheare to you all . Therefore Gentlemen and ladies , will it please you to entertaine one another a while . [ Enter Cleark with Sack and Tobacco . ] Look yee . Here 's good Sack , and good Tobacco . And before the rest of the Guests become , Sir Paule will be here himselfe .

Luc.

This fellow speakes .

Enter Anv. widg . Holdup . and Howdoe disguis'd . Bul.

As I am a Iustice of Peace I cannot apprehend , and yet me thinks I doe . What sort of people these Gentlemen may be . See : more I Is sir Paule turn'd swaggerer ? Or is his house abus'd by servants ? I will not leaue it , vntill they goe out before mee like a layle deliuery . They looke like men betwixt a Repriue and Pardon . Friend : Are these sir Paules elected friends ?

Bea.

His protected friends sir .

Bul.

Protected ?

Bea.

I sir . There is a fraternity of them . The brothers of the Protect . There 's not a man of 'hem , but has all Mayors , Sheriffes , Bayliffes , Sergeants at Mace , Marshalls men , Constables , and other his Maiesties Officers , in a Combcase in his pocket . They are a Generation that never eate but in Parliament time , and now every table is full of them .

Bul.

I should wonder what they did here else . See . A roaring Doctor too , broke out o' the Kings Bench .

Enter Pate like a Doctor . Pa.

By your leaue Gallants . I perceiue your Company is not yet full .

Tri.

Are you of the invited sir ?

Pat.

It is not to be doubted sir . Yet a Voluntary . But there are some without that are more then invited , yet come against their wills .

Luc.

How meane you M. Doctor ?

Pa

Brought sir by a Constable and Officers , to be examin'd . Where 's the iolly Iustice ?

Tri.

What are they can yee tell sir ?

Pa.

A Gentlewoman , and a Spaniard .

An.

A Spaniard , Ha!

Pa.

I , a Spaniard , Ha : if you will haue it so :

Luc.

If we had but a Iustice among vs to Examine 'hem , it might passe the time well till sir Paule came .

Bea.

Sir , here is a Iustice , and for the same purpose too for ought we know , that shall not refuse to doe it , and in sir Paules Gowne and Cap too .

Luc.

This is a witty fellow .

Bea.

Sir , you cannot doe a more acceptable office for your friend , then to execute his place in his absence . Your authority makes you capable of it ; and I doe the rather perswade it , because the Gentlemen whom you wisely suspect for loose persons , may see some example of Iustice ; which may preuent some present euill in their stay here .

Bul.

I apprehend you friend . Giue mee the Gowne and Chayre , and let the Delinquents approach . Vmh , vmh .

Luc.

T is a Spaniard indeede .

Enter Vexhem , Squelch , like a Spaniard , Trayn . Cleark . Vex.

An English Spaniard sir , And therefore the verier knaue : as will bee prou'd I doubt not , to his shame , and my renowne in the Common wealth . By your Worships leaue .

Bul.

What newes bring you M. Constable ?

Vex.

Spanish newes sir . Wil t please your Worship to examine the vertue of my Warrant , and then these Persons accordingly ?

Squ.

Very good ! I am brought before my selfe to bee examin'd , and before a fine rable too ! how the deuill brok this vnknowne Nation into my house , or doe not I mistake it ? My foolery has led me into a fine predicament . I will not yet disclose my selfe : but looke a little further towards the event .

Bul.

Are you a Spaniard sir ?

Squ.

Such a one as you see Signior .

Bul.

See Signior . Hee speakes nothing but Spanish . The question will be how we shall vnderstand this Examinant .

Squ.

Hey day !

Bul.

I do see Signior I thanke the light , that you are a goodly man of outward parts , and ezcept it were the black Knight himselfe , or him with the Fistula , the proprest man I haue seene of your Nation . They are a People of very spare dyet , I haue heard , and therefore seldome fat . Sure you you haue had most of your breeding in this Countrey , the dyet whereof you like better then your own , which makes you linger here , after all you Country men , vpon some vncouth plot . And I shall wonder therefore how you can speake no English . Can you speake no English at all sir ? Answere me I pray .

Squ.

Not an English word not I s●● . Alasse I haue not been fiue ●ayes in the Kingdome .

Luc.

This is excellent !

Tri.

I , You 'll marre all if you laugh .

Bul.

Alasse , what shall wee doe then ? Gentlemen , haue any of you any Spanish , to helpe mee to vnderstand this strange Stranger ?

Thi

Not a Riall sir not I .

Luc.

Nor a Rialls worth amongst vs of any language but shiere English .

Bul.

What Shiere of our Nation is next to Spaine ? Perhaps he may vnderstand that Shier , English .

Tri.

Deuonshire or Cornwall sir .

Non

Neuer credit me , but I will spowt some Cornish at him . Peden bras vidne whee his cregas .

Squ.

Am I transform'd vtterly ? Is my Language alter'd with my apparell , or are you all mad ? what vnspeakeable misery is this .

Bull.

I see we shall neuer vnderstand , nor doe good on him , till hee be instructed in the English tongue .

Vex.

And please your worship , the best Vniuersity for this purpose will be Bridewell . I am acquainted with the best Tutors there , Master Cleanewhip , Master Dri-lash , and diuers others .

Squ.

You officious Rascall , are you mad ?

Vex.

No such matter sir . But in my right mind , and Midlesex feare it not .

Bull.

It must be so . His instruction will cost litle there , if hee be not too old to learne . Therefore set him by , and let mee fall vpon the Gentlewoman .

Vex.

Oh , hee 's rarely vext .

Bull.

Now Gentlewoman , will it please you to be vnmasqu'd .

Tra.

Yes sir looke you , I dare shew my face .

Bull.

Mistris Trainowell , as I apprehend .

Omnes .

Mistris Trainewell .

Squ.

Trainewell !

Tra.

Euen shee Gentlemen , as I will more circumstantially reueale vnto you presently , after a word or two with my fellow prisoner , for which I craue your fauour .

Bull.

With all my heart , so you can speake Spanish and make him vnderstand you .

Tra.

You see I am not the Woman you tooke me for : but one ordain'd for your greater good . If you will giue me my present demand . I will turne all your disgrace into laughter ; make you of worthier esteeme now at the instant , then euer you were , by the generall approbation of these , and all that know you beside . Your Neece to shall be restor'd to your owne liking , and all shall be as well as you can wish . Otherwise , if you haue a mind to bee euerlastingly sham'd , by being perpetually laught at , take your owne course , I le take mine .

Squ.

I am astonish'd . What is your Demaund ?

Tra.

Whereas your purpose was to make a Whore . Make me your honest Wife ; no more . Bee sodaine in your resolue , all will be naught else .

Squ.

I am in a mischieuous streight then . Redime to captum . Thy wit deserues my loue . I le do 't ; here 's my hand and faith , I le do 't . Thou art mine , and I am thine directly .

Tra.

Then hearke you sir .

Tri

Sir what will you say , if this Gentlewoman conuert the Spaniard , turne him true English subiect , and present him to you with the oaths of Alegiance , & Supremacie in his mouth presently ?

Bull

I wil say , she deserues for euer hereafter to hold her peace .

Tra.

Now beare vp sir . Looke confidently , and say , you put on your Disguise purposely to intertaine disguis'd Guests . Come auant with your Picca de goat , and beginne with the Iustice here .

Squ.

Thou hast made me a Man for euer , and I will make thee a Woman directly . Gallants saue you . See here the Metamor.phosis , that meanes to metamorphose you all . Alas I know you for all your Disguises , and thought to intertaine you in your kind .

Omnes .

Sir Paul Squelch !

Squ.

First out of you , my Vsurper , and most Vpstartical Iustice , whose office is your trade , and Clearke your Prentice , I will draw a man of litle , or no Moment : yet my frend , and Master Bulfinch , out of the Chaire of Iustice . this my prognosticate the putting of my selfe , or many others out of Commission within these few yeares ; though I am no Prophet . Doe I speake English now ? Doe I know you now , or you me ?

Bull.

Question 〈◊〉 , we should know one another sir Paul : or else one of vs two were both very ignorant .

Squ.

To proceed in my Metamorphosis . I will change you most confus'd Roarer , into an accomplisht Knight . And bid you welcome , noble sir Phillip Lucklesse .

Luc.

I like the change well , and thanke you sir .

Squ.

Next sir of you Roarer , or Iieter , or whatsoeuer you are , I will make a compleat Gentleman , most answerable to you name Master Tridewell .

Tri.

Very well sir .

Squ.

But out of you Master Doctor , I will pick a certaine Knaue . Where is my Neece sirah ?

Pa.

Which of your Neeces sir ?

Squ.

Haue I so many sir ? I meane my only one Constance , find her me , ●r I will translate you out of an Aesculapian Cocke into a Newgate Bird immediatly .

Wid.

Sir if you will Metamorphose me out of a Batchelor , into a Bridegroome , I le shew you your Neece .

Squ.

This my Neece ?

Vex.

O haue I found you Mistris ? Sir this is the Gentlewoman I brought before your worship to day .

Squ.

Hold they peace ; art in thy right mind ?

Vex.

As I am in my right mind and Midlesex , it is she sir . I had not matter enough then to lay to her charge ; for which I thanke your worship I kist Newgate . But now I haue sir ; she has left a Child vpon our Parish , I am sure got by an vnknowne father ; and has beene a loose Liuer , both at Duke Humfreyes , and most of the winkd it houses about the Towne these foure yeares : which I can sufficiently proue .

Squ.

Hold thy peace Knaue . I le put these plums i' thy mouth else

Gold Hold.

Sir , my Child shall trouble your Parish no longer , here is a Father , my troth plight Husband , sufficient to keepe it and me , wilt thou not Duck ?

Wid.

Duck ? my name is Widgine , you mistake the man sure .

Hold.

Sure I doe not . This Gentleman , and this Gentlewoman , and this trusty Seruant of ours are my witnesses , I am your Wife sir .

Wid.

O I am vndone , quite cast away . Sister helpe mee now with your Law wit , or I perish for euer .

Fit .

This is not to bee endured : cheating , and vile abuse , This contract can not bee lawfull . One person mistaken for another a lawfull impediment to be diuorc'd for , though they were married .

Tri.

It might doe well if ( as hee confesses himselfe ) he had not made all too sure , as well within as without .

Squ.

Sir Phillip , while they wrangle out their cause , let vs agree : Find you but the meanes to make her lawfully your Wife , and here take her with my faithfull promise , of the equall halfe of any estate presently .

Luc.

Sir Paul I thanke you .

Fit .

I say this is no lawfull contract : And though we are legally diuorc'd , yet neither he nor I may lawfully marry , while we both liue , hauing beene lawfully married . And till you can disproue that , sir I le forbid your Banes good sir Phillip , and lay your hopes a cooling , frendly Master Tridewell , for your loue in managing this businesse .

Tri.

Lady giue me leaue , if I haue strayn'd a point of friendship , it was your loue gaue the strenght to my wit . Fit . My loue ?

Tri.

Your loue indeed Lady . Which ( and which Cupid pardon me for ) now , that I see I may enioy , I am not so eagerly taken with , yet if you will —

Fit .

Sir you cannot enioy me , not he her , lesse you can disproue the lawfulnesse of our former Mariage .

Tri

To cleare that point , doe you know the Minister ?

Fit .

T is not so long since , but I can remember his face .

Tri.

Then to continue sir Pauls Metamorphosis ? I le draw him out of this Doctor . Is not this hee ?

Discouers Pate like a Parson . Fit

It is . But is not hee a lawfull Minister ; I would know that .

Pate .

To cleare that doubt there lyes my Order of Priesthood .

Omnes .

Who , Oliuer ! —

Throwes off his Disguise . Pate .

Euen hee , the Parson Nochurch , and this my Patron , whom I must beseech together with the whole company , to preserue me out of the high Commission : for looke you , here is againe your Licence .

Fit .

Would you doe this Master Tridewell ?

Tri.

Faith I foresaw an vnto wardnesse in the Match : which if you repent the breach of , there 's your Licence ; and the way to Church lyes before you .

Fit .

No sir . First get my brother free of his contract , and then a Licence with your owne name , and I le waite on you to Church , as soone as you will .

Tri.

O that 's done already . What are you agreed ?

Wid.

Most happily sir , sister all s well againe . I haue giuen her a hundred pound to relinquish her right in me . Which afore all these witnesses you doe ; doe you not ?

Hol.

Yes most freely .

Wid.

Well then , I will not forsweare to marry , But if euer I steale a Wife againe , let her be a witch , and may I burn with her for company . Gouernour , thou art out of countenance , and thou too honest Humfrey , me thinkes . Come beare vp . I forgiue . T was your errors , not malice .

How

Sir for my part , i le take my corporall oath —

Wid.

It shall not need good Humfrey .

An.

And for me sir — wid . Nay , I dare not but beeleeue thee before thou speakest Gouernour : therefore prithee le ts not talke on 't our selues , but quietly , and presently beginne our trauels , that we may heare no body else talke on 't .

Squ.

Gentlemen and Ladies , I see you all at peace so well , that I wish no further content to any , except Master Nonsense here .

Nons.

Neuer credit me but I haue had sport enough 'o conscience , and if I doe not make a Stage phyen't , when I come into Cornewall : I protest and vow then say there was Nonsense in this .

Squ.

I am glad you conclude so frendly with the rest . All the vnquietnesse will be in the Kitchin presently If your meat stay for you . Gallants . Knock Within I was time to speake . They knock at Dresser already . Will yee in ?

You are all Welcome : And I wish euery Guest as merry , as our Northern Lasses Feast . FINIS ▪
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Chamb●rmayd Chambermayd to Mistresse Fitchow . BROM● Friend : the Author of this Work , M. RICH. BROME . Ri●alls 'tis strange that thou Canst brooke so many Riualls in thy Lasse , Whose Wit and Beauty does seen● embrac't : And now thou sendst her to be seene , and see If any be like faire , like good brea●hes thriues Art's Glory , that All , what it breathes on , liues . Witnesse this Northern Piece Wi●nesse that All , what it breathes on , liues . Witnesse this Northern Piece . The Court affords luyd merriest Mayd Among the Nine , for Thee has layd A Ghyrlond by ; and Iieres to see Pied Ideots I● Grand child ) who ( though full of laughter ) Is Chast and Witty to the Time ; Not Lumpish-Cold Clime● to the Time ; Not Lumpish-Cold , as is her Clime By Phoebus Lyre , Thy Northern Lasse Our th●e MY Loue may wrong thee , Friend ; and , should I praise Thy Booke 〈◊〉 Friend ; and , should I praise Thy Booke , I feare 'twould stayne the wreathing Bayes That subscrib● Hee That boasteth not his worth ; and doth subscribe Himselfe an vnder-seruant in their Tribe ●m Faith cosen , I take it as my fortune ; and am fully bent on the aduenture . Nur●eling or countrey Iustice . But you , a tender Nurseling of the Court , altogether vnmixt with such m●ke Mourners , which indeed my presence there would make mee ; and so , perhaps , infect the rest B●t Because you went so fast . But since you are angry , I would you were going betroch'd brother here of sir Phillip Lucklesse his betroth'd . She is a Widgine borne sir , and of the peri●cation out of Holland in Lincolnshire to preuent persecution . Canno●●r civill Lawyer ; Hee was call'd the great Cannonier of the civill Law : because he could dischardge ●ome and put him out of patience . How the hot fome of his rage boyles out at his Mouth ▪ If grie●e displeasure in her looke ( whether it were shame , griefe , or anger I know not ) that made her conceale trif●les time ; and vowes of this high nature are no triffles . choy● to take a brides place , before your later choyce , or any shee , whose wealth might weigh ●o vnderstanding : whom may you suggest to be the woman so much forgotten ? h●le Mariage , to take his batchelors button a hole lower ! Can it bee possible ? Shee might C●me Come you to bargaine for a Punke sir ? Faith S' foot fellow . I haue halfe a dozen for thee faith . S'foot what big words and terrible action he has fine● worke on him by policy : And if I put not a fine slurre vpon him for all his braue brauados condnuct foure , and fiue , in the great Pallace ; and conduct him to the Gentlewoman , hee will attend cloa●e of a comely stature ; and will be in a red cloake and a white Feather , Besides Ile waite ●oe Well Howdie get you downe . And doe you heare Howdee ? If sir Paul Squelch come seruant● chardges , placing and displacing of all seruants in generall ; To haue free liberty , to sickn●sse iealousie ; To faine anger , melancholly , or sicknesse , to the life . These are Arts that women s●t him ; and hard-hearted to breake him ; to set him vp , and take him downe , and vp againe coun●ell Beshrew your fortune then . And if my counsell ; The friendliest counsell e're you hearkned no●e command of all you had beneath you , And none to be commanded by aboue you . Now glaunce l●den , on the yoake , You bring your neck to , laden downe with cares , Where you shall faintly secu●e you how you are beset with danger , You are secure ; Exclude it , you are lost To endlesse so●rowes secure ; Exclude it , you are lost To endlesse sorrowes , bought with dearest cost . B●ing his acquaintance , his friends trouble , Being the common borrower of the Towne . A Gallant Iobacco borrower of the Towne . A Gallant lights not a Tobacco Pipe , But with his borrowing letters ( bor●owing lights not a Tobacco Pipe , But with his borrowing letters ( shee's not mou'd ) And if you Hee●l And if you put him off a fortnight longer , Hee'l be layd vp for moneys he tooke vp To buy ●●d ; and that It is your wealth he marries , and not you . If this be loue to him , that hi● vndoing , ) Let no man take a friends help in his wooing . Consid●r Consider Lady — foudly Nor will I fondly thinke you meant to seeke , Crossing his O● Oh what a setled rock of Constancie She planteth sl●nderous ? not to moue , Though all the breath of slanderous reproach , Driuing tempestuous clowds and vnc●uill They said she was old , vnhandsome , and vnciuill , Forward , and full of womanish distemper lo●e To wrong my friend ; to burne in lawlesse loue ; Which oh that prayers or penance may remoue ●ideparke Perhaps to inuite me forth into the ayre of Hideparke or Maribone ; or else — sodain●sse that hee intreats you , to beare with the sodainesse of the occasion , which hee protests , deepely wi●e For me sister : ha' you found out a wife for me ? ha' you ? pray speake , ha' you af●er Gouernour . A good man i'th Citty is not call'd after his good deeds , but the knowne weight of Grandsites but the Gout , or a thombe Ring with his Grandsires sheepmarke , or Grannams butter-print on't acquittanc●s Grannams butter-print on't , to seale bags , acquittances and Counternanes . hansom● But shee is very faire brother , and very hansome and the prettiest innocent countrey thing l●ke like me ▪ Alas none loues a Countrey thing like mee . And though I am a Cockney , and was 〈◊〉 And shee is very young , not aboue fifteene , brother . How this fellow mak●s What makes you stay so ? I feare you haue beene among dr●sse Wimple ? Doe you bring Carpenters tooles to dresse me withall . sh●ll I shall teach you to know a difference betweene ●er till this last weeke , her Vncle sent for her vp to make her his child , cut of the Bishoprick S●ster Sister no more , though I haue never seene her mo●e Sister no more , though I haue never seene her . No Bishoprick Widgine● because that will add some honour to the Widgines , when my selfe shall bee brother to a Lady the● grow compleat More goes to making of a Man , then meat . I● What is the most has past betweene you ? If it bee the maine losse of your Mayden-head the●efore Mayden-head , it shall neare go further : therefore let mee know it . thoosnnd kisse . But I mun tell yee , I wish'd it a thoosund , thoosand till him . V●cle That once that I saw him with you , your Vncle was there , too , in the Orchard , but last sine is weell sure , this keept me waking ere since . And God pardon mee what I misthought euery intima●e Message , I presum'd ( for so your words did intimate to me ) you had beene sure , as fast as i● Assurer for it as vpon the Exchange , as if his life were vpon hazard ? whether a Man ●asciuious in my conceit bewrayes , at once , both a lasciuious and cowardly disposition ; and vpon my vnderstanding ca●not disposition ; and vpon my vnderstanding , cannot bee so generous , or nobly spirited , as t●ee dost heare ? Here's halfe a peece to buy thee complection , sack or Aqua-vitae . What ●●ece little ill giuen at this time . Where's the peece ? here are the peeces ● tell thee . ●le where you would be , I pray tell mee sir . Ile doe the best I can to satisfie you . O' Cock●combe discretion . If I should purchase a broken Cockscomb , or bruz'd ribs now , for mistaking another w●s sent for ; and that his Master swore this was a Bawd to his choyce Whore , newly intertayn'd ha●e mistake me for him . On which presumption I haue waded thus farre : and if I sticke in the erte If I erre therein sir , I hope your pardon . For as ma●s with the bare repetition of it out of one mans purse , the Widgine . My iests are his nutriment pu●se the bare repetition of it out of one mans purse , the Widgine . My iests are his nutriment own● iests are his nutriment ; and my wit is his owne , he payes so duely for it . If the Wench s●nt A lasse it is not he : but some Villaine sent by him to vexe and spite you . One that i● he be so vnkaind , to scorne me so , Woe is me . wi●● He is so dishonorable . But I will fit his Vndertaker , what ere he bee . Looke ●ike would he send him . So trim a Man cannot haue like bad purpose . H● then I can , find betweene him and Gods . He has in's eye such Maiestie . His shape is prolog●e Sweet prologue to the insuing Interlude th●s rais'd my desire aboue her noates . Why am I thus rauishd , and yet delayd ? be●ore troublesome Lord or two out of the house , before the Party can appeare to you . But please obsucre Party can appeare to you . But please you to obscure your selfe in this darke Closet , while Cl●set please you to obscure your selfe in this darke Closet , while I conuey them hence , and then , Inquickly thing they did here sir , I warrant you . In quickly pray sir . si● here sir , I warrant you . In quickly pray sir . do●btfull was merely by his outside , and that in the doubtfull light of the Euening , that I could guesse An● Euening , that I could guesse twas hee . And had he beene denyed , I had gone well satisfied d●s●rue iudgement , whether her outward seeming may deserue such scorne ? Constanc● Ent. Constance . b●auty And has your youth and beauty plac'd your loue on him ? Clos●t Anvile out of the Closet . i●to Diuell ! What magicall madnesse coniur'd you into this shape ? preparati●e Twill come the easier from you . Tis a good preparatiue . co●f●sse Oh! oh , ile confesse any thing . n●t No sir , not any thing . But the truth the truth sir 〈◊〉 the whole truth , and nothing but the truth to helpe me — h●lpe whole truth , and nothing but the truth to helpe me — sweari●g You would be swearing now would you ? there's for that . th●t would be swearing now would you ? there's for that . Go●d Good sir no more . What may this poore thing bu● this poore thing bee , that br●● ' it ●o but now ? n●w this poore thing bee , that br●● ' it ●o but now ? t●ll Ile tell you Lady . The most notorious , base , beaten beat●n tell you Lady . The most notorious , base , beaten Rascall ●●out the Towne . Twere lost breath l●st , beaten Rascall ●●out the Towne . Twere lost breath to say more by him . H●e is as you ●im Anvile : and they that know him not , call him Captaine . Cap●aine Anvile : and they that know him not , call him Captaine . l●bour I pray thee doe , to laue me a labour : for hee is not halfe beaten yet . h●lf● doe , to laue me a labour : for hee is not halfe beaten yet . b●at●n to laue me a labour : for hee is not halfe beaten yet . p●cket sir , put this Ladies fauour here in your pocket ; and keepe it there till I call for it f●r your pocket ; and keepe it there till I call for it . And marke what I say , if ever I find the● like , when I shall call for it , to beat them ( marke me ) indeed Ile ●eat thee dead . ●le for it , to beat them ( marke me ) indeed Ile ●eat thee dead . And now to your examination 〈◊〉 beat them ( marke me ) indeed Ile ●eat thee dead . And now to your examination . How got ●xamination indeed Ile ●eat thee dead . And now to your examination . How got your rotten Mutton ship into this Lyo●s How got your rotten Mutton ship into this Lyons case ? was it by the Owners knowledge ? Answer● these Cloathes priuy to your vndertaking ? Answere sirah , bonafide , I or no . Mo●ey my life ; only his Man abus'd mee for my Money . the●e presumption made you thinke so vilely of these Gentlewomen ? Ge●tlewomen presumption made you thinke so vilely of these Gentlewomen ? S●pper lodging , where they will sup too : But after Supper they goe to her house in the Towne to bed fo●le This foole mistaking we shall all repent ; if we preuent preu●nt foole mistaking we shall all repent ; if we preuent not what may issue from it . ●rom Sir for this time you shall be repriu'd , from further penance : Rise and be our Guide ke●pe further penance : Rise and be our Guide . But keepe your feare still : for if all out art Miscarry out . But keepe your feare still : for if all our art Miscarry , thou art sure to share the H●wdee Enter Pate , Hewdee . plain● , thy Habit , and thy whole chardge in so plaine a Method , that thou shalt instantly start Gen●leman thou shalt instantly start vp as pretty a Gentleman Vsher , none disprays'd as any betweene B●t Charing-crosse ; mary further I cannot promise you● But prithee tell mee . Is our Lady of so hot 〈◊〉 Shee did so in my old Masters dayes I a● sure . And hee glad of peace at that rate too Y●s Yes both of her voice , and han●s . b●ene had like to ha' cost mee my life ! 't has beene a true Memento to mee euer since : bobs bre●kes can lift . and makes vs pay for all shee breakes , though shee breake our heads or races Look●ng-glasses our heads or races withall . Fan-handles , Looking-glasses or any thing . feare● Wee shall haue a foule h● use on't I feare▪ ▪ But since it is too late , fight Dog , ●ate h● use on't I feare ▪ But since it is too late , fight Dog , fight B●are . Ile turne my c●rry not too late I hope sir Paul . Wee may yet carry them to bed with vs ▪ fr●● chiefly sir inuited , had we not stolne a day from Time , to haue done a● others part at Church athers stolne a day from Time , to haue done a● others part at Church , to which in your absence 〈◊〉 done a● others part at Church , to which in your absence , I intreated our worthy friend yo●r done a● others part at Church , to which in your absence , I intreated our worthy friend ●he●sion , I intreated our worthy friend Mr : App Apprehension Bulfinch here . M●st●r Master Bulfinch , I reioyce to meet you here directly t● Master Bulfinch , I reioyce to meet you here directly . Looke you sir . Salom●● I apprehend him to be Master Salomon Nonsense , Son and Heire to my right worthy m●y be not hee sir . I am sure it is you . I may bee deceiu'd , but I am certaine tis hee sh●uld and friendship , I protest and vow sir . I should — acquai●tance this is a finer youth then tother . My wiues acquaintance are most answerable to her Kindred . Kin●red wiues acquaintance are most answerable to her Kindred . dir●ctly Tis so directly Master Bulfinch , and I haue brought him vnderst●nd Bulfinch , and I haue brought him to Towne — I vnderstand my Neece is in your house , my Lady Bride N●●ce haue brought him to Towne — I vnderstand my Neece is in your house , my Lady Bride . Is shee Sir●h How ! not here ? Sirah what did you tell me ? Mist●is By my Mistris sir , and fewe Gentlemen of her acquaintance 〈◊〉 By my Mistris sir , and fewe Gentlemen of her acquaintance , whose names Kmuery Knauery , Villany and Theiuery ! ● smell it ranke ●he●uery Knauery , Villany and Theiuery ! ● smell it ranke . Shee's stolne , shees s●●ll Knauery , Villany and Theiuery ! ● smell it ranke . Shee's stolne , shees gone directly 〈◊〉 I will recouer her , I hope I shall find as much right in Law , as a Broaker or a Ioyner d●●●●mperd Good sir Paul , I haue not seene you thus distemperd . What afflicts you ? a●flicts haue not seene you thus distemperd . What afflicts you ? la●y●● Who your young Neece that came lately out of the Countrey ? si● Are you the Man sir that must haue her ? profes●●● her iniury equally with your selfe : for I professed to you , I did loue the Lasse so well ; firah Banquet . Harke , some friend I hope . Looke sirah . — bro●ght Some of your old companions haue brought you a fit of Mirth . But if they enter to sit of your old companions haue brought you a fit of Mirth . But if they enter to make a Tauerne prese●e Some that come in gentile fashion to present a Maske . i● Am not I the Master of it and you — Iam M. Nonsense , you haue preuaid . You see I am content . But what I purpose , Fate shall M●stris though I renue ● tomorrow . Come sit sit . Mistris please you . Musick● Musicke . Anv●le first payres are Tridewell and Constance . Anuile and Traine well . Before the Daunce , Constance Da●nee Constance . Anuile and Traine well . Before the Daunce , Constance sings this Song . ●use dare ● accuse , For that my Loue did mere fuse ; But oh mine owne unworthinesse , That lou● mickle blisse . It was too much for me to loue A Man , so like the Gods aboue ; An Angels voi●e Gods aboue ; An Angels shape , a Saint-like voice , Are to Diuine for Humane choice . gi●'n Oh had I wishly giu'n my heart , For to haue lou'd him but in c●domned dye . But I presuming all to choose Am now condemned all to loose . Exe●●t Exeunt all the Masquers but Anvile . 〈◊〉 Stay shall ? I will then . sh●ll Stay shall ? I will then . 〈◊〉 Whoo● My Gouernour : Looke you sister . Looke you Gouer●our Whoo● My Gouernour : Looke you sister . Looke you Sir Phillip 〈◊〉 Gouernour : Looke you sister . Looke you Sir Phillip . Did nor I alwayes tell you he ●hillip Gouernour : Looke you sister . Looke you Sir Phillip . Did nor I alwayes tell you he was the 〈◊〉 Phillip . Did nor I alwayes tell you he was the rarest wit ●the world ? This was his owne invention tho● Gouernour the conceit of the Willow , and why thou wearest it ? fooler●es nor he me . These are tricks and studied fooleries to abuse me — her● lost in . Constance ! why was that name made here , that Saint-like Maids , when it brought Vill●ine Gone Villaine . Co●ches They tooke their Coaches instantly , and disperst themseLucs by seuerall dispers●t They tooke their Coaches instantly , and disperst themseLucs by seuerall wayes , I had no 〈◊〉 Coaches instantly , and disperst themseLucs by seuerall wayes , I had no Commission to stay them ●le not rest till I be satisfied ; My Coach . Ile make no stay Sweet-heart . Shee's gone . S●eet-heart be satisfied ; My Coach . Ile make no stay Sweet-heart . Shee's gone . p●●tty A pretty Morall A Womans duety to lye downe , and M●r●ll● A pretty Morall A Womans duety to lye downe , and a Mans g●'yee Knight . Pursue your home occasions , and God gi'yee ioy . ●will Nonsense here very indifferent , And I know twill be the greater ioy to her to match but into great●r very indifferent , And I know twill be the greater ioy to her to match but into the family ●oy indifferent , And I know twill be the greater ioy to her to match but into the family of sir Pill●r family of sir Phillip , of which I am a halfe Piller now . Besides my sister made me halfe a saith sister made me halfe a promise of her in good faith , my gouernours my Witnesse , and I haue ●ouer●ours halfe a promise of her in good faith , my gouernours my Witnesse , and I haue lou'd her euer cou●d loue her Visor the best ere while , though I could not tell whose twas , nor which was which Bul●inch Nestling time I take it . How thinke you Master Bulfinch . 12● I apprehend it to be past 12 a Clocke very neare . Bul●inch haue had a long time of silence . Master Bulfinch . c●unterfeit I am not your counterfeit , or vnchast Constance ; But that only Constance that● if you liue not for me , die for you . Oh that I could at any price or penance now redeeme me● cholly Hee's melancholly mee thinkes . Slid my sister may lye long p●ints you not goe to bed sir ? wee waite for your points . mean●s Captaine , deale fairely with me . By what meanes ioyned you with this society ? or how grew m●ture the place protected him . Till after vpon mature consideration I made after him for satisfaction confes●'d Why hee confess'd hee wrong'd me , was sorry for't , and so so●res what followes : I loue no ripping vp old soares . drist Then thus sir ? I soone perceiu'd , their drift to appease , & winne me to their friendship stat● Marriage then is frustrated , and you stand in statu quo prim dee heare . So your Cosen Tridewell o●fice we cannot end , A Knaue imployd do's th' office of a frend . ●nd To what end brother : for what cause ? Goue●nour How now Gouernour ? what has angerd thee ? something troubles tw●nd which should haue fallen on him , had he bin twind with me by this light . Candl●-light light , Gouernour ? would you haue fought by Candle-light . S●nne Any light vnder the Sunne . And that shall bee tride well on Tridewell Tridewel● Sunne . And that shall bee tride well on Tridewell head , dec heare ? behol●en Gouernour , laying your anger aside , let me be beholden to your wit in atchieuing this Northern ●ut goe lye with me , and helpe mee to dreame out some course . Nay looke now thy furie blowes ye● Not h●are ? yet , were I in a Combat as great as euer I Men●y giues him Money . Exe●●t Exeunt . counterset huswife . No more of your whynings , and counterfet tricks . If this Gentleman be not worthy Vnc●e of your loue , I am not worthy to be your Vncle , directly . i● sicke in mind , that knowledge of what shee is , what shee do● , especially of what shee ●ilovved which fit time as well as meanes must bee allovved . Moreouer — besee●h Oh. No moreouers I beseech you , not more of her at this time . I vnderstand 〈◊〉 thought fit . I will subcribe , I will directly subscribe to your discretion . My wise when thee went discre●ion subcribe , I will directly subscribe to your discretion . My wise when thee went out of the worlde wise directly subscribe to your discretion . My wife when thee went out of the worlde left me thee subscribe to your discretion . My wise when shee went out of the worlde left me as great wo●l● discretion . My wise when thee went out of the worlde left me as great a care behind her in the le●t My wise when thee went out of the worlde left me as great a care behind her in the charge c●●e went out of the worlde left me as great a care behind her in the charge she gaue me with fighted she gaue me with this Woman , this quick sighted Guide of my house , a blind one were better b●e if it pleased you , how her affection may bee wrought vpon by the Gentlemans owne faire N●uer Neuer credit me pretty Gentlewoman — sco●n'd hee loues me . For alas ! I was too lately scorn'd . pro●●st You are a L●sse indeed . I protest and vow , and such ●●ne , as I would bee ●●rry vow , and such ●●ne , as I would bee very sorry to appeare any way , or in the least decree 〈◊〉 sorry to appeare any way , or in the least decree , as it were please you to vnderstand me ●●nacy Here's wise worke ! direct lunacy and Ideotisme . Blesse my house from the Ideotismc Here's wise worke ! direct lunacy and Ideotisme . Blesse my house from the Ward Masters hea●t Adamantine eares . And lookes would melt a Marble heart to teares . O Wea is me ! Swe●t-heart Nay you must not weepe Sweet-heart . Ch●●p Phillip twas my Sparrow . A pretty play-fere : Chirp it would , And hop , and fly to fist , Keepe Keep●●ut Chirp it would , And hop , and fly to fist , Keepe cut , as ● were a Vsurers Gold , And bill Vsur●rs and fly to fist , Keepe cut , as ● were a Vsurers Gold , And bill me when I list . Phillip w●ly Man . I know him right weel by you sir , as wily as you be . Gin you had all his trim geere Tasse● so fond to mistake a Ienny How let for a Tassell Gentle . Ah , ah , ha . faul● Why Lone , what fault doe you find in this Gentleman ? ●ir Feath , but eene eane . That her is not Sir Phillip . For thus would hee doe . Thus lea●● , and set his eye on mine : And giue mee leaue to see my selfe in's eyes . Twas the best eye● : And giue mee leaue to see my selfe in's eyes . Twas the best Glasse introth that ere humo● And put her to't sir , and out of this humor . Ile add the tother fiue hundred to her sufficien●ly I doe beleeue you sir suficiently good Master Nonsense . No more of your impertinent speec●es Master Nonsense . No more of your impertinent speeches . But follow her , and put her to't I say to'● impertinent speeches . But follow her , and put her to't I say , to't directly . Take her into the to'● But follow her , and put her to't I say , to't directly . Take her into the Orchard twas directl● follow her , and put her to't I say , to't directly . Take her into the Orchard twas there shee Orchard●●as I say , to't directly . Take her into the Orchard twas there shee fell in loue they say It rem●u will bee no way for her recouery , but to remou . her lodging , and haue some good Phisicians sh●e please ; and vse vvhose helpe you please : shee is your ovvne ; dispose of her freely , treely please : shee is your ovvne ; dispose of her freely , as I vvill of what is 〈…〉 course of life 〈◊〉 course of life directly . Let me see . Shee is lost , past recouery . Say I should marry ●●use Fitchow , a Match of your ovvne making , and cause of your Neeces and your ovvne Misfortune ovv●e making , and cause of your Neeces and your ovvne Misfortune . y●u haue cast my selfe and fortune wholly vpon you , if it might houe seem'd well in your discretion 〈◊〉 my selfe and fortune wholly vpon you , if it might houe seem'd well in your discretion ●er way by your leaue . I thinke I haue pusseld her discretion . ma●ry more of this matter directly : For if euer I marry , let me suffer all that the-Law prouides a● directly : For if euer I marry , let me suffer all that the-Law prouides for Periury ; let Periuty let me suffer all that the-Law prouides for Periury ; let me bee cropt and slitt worse then wi● for blaspheming the blood royall . No , I wil now bestow my wealth in Monumentall good Mo●umentall royall . No , I wil now bestow my wealth in Monumentall good deedes , and charitable vses in my ch●ritable my wealth in Monumentall good deedes , and charitable vses in my life time , to bee talkd well ki●d●ed houses of Correction for your frends and kindred . Pray giue enough to Bedlem , you may feele n●●ther would haue me doe no good with that I haue neither . Let mee consider . The most I haue to 〈◊〉 consider . The most I haue to say directly hath not beene very well gotten . Were it not g●t prodigally , and saue a 〈…〉 And that which I haue got well and honestly , hath beene with much 〈◊〉 I haue got well and honestly , hath beene with much care and trauell ; were it not then h●ue I haue it directly . You shall goe to the Ordinaries G●llants Ordinaries , and from thence inuite such young Gallants as you find to be Gamesters . I meane of Ga●●●rs inuite such young Gallants as you find to be Gamesters . I meane of the highest cut . s● one heard of me tis sufficient : we shall be soone acquainted . Bring not a man with any paid b●st your Guests sir , let me alone . My man is best acquainted at the Ordinaries . iustitrary alwayes beene so strict and terrible in your iustitiary courses . Mistrisse● vnto me . And if any of the youngsters haue Mistrisses , let 'hem bring'hem . They shall haue Mn●cke● me●●y what I haue is mine owne , and I will be merry with it . My flesh , though not in the way plenti●ull satisfaction too . Where might a man in all this plentifull Towne , find a choyce peece directly that vnreasonaone question . And custome has made it almost an vnreasonable , though it were in ones owne Wife . In ●eed courtly acquaintance , to maintaine her , is to feed a Fountaine , that wasts it selfe through Spow●s Fountaine , that wasts it selfe through many Spowts : What I supply her with , will be drawne herto't Ha' you put her to't sir . ●●aye and will be a Mayd , And a good one till I dye . Yet mine intent , I could repent , b● But you are not he Sir . If you be , you are wondrously chang'd . I am sure i● faire hand should make such blots I what hand is it ? Secretar , Romane , Court , or Text ●ayes His face is like an Almanack of all Holy dayes . deatho serue for a whole History . The life and death o' ' Raw head , and Bloody bones . Wh●r●'s Asse , I would I might neuer stir but I am — Where's Sir Paull If I doe not tell him — S●r would I might neuer stir but I am — Where's Sir Paull If I doe not tell him — prov●ke What did you to provoke her thus ? ans●ere Nothing but what I can answere in a sort dee see me as well as — neuer 〈◊〉 answere in a sort dee see me as well as — neuer gi'me credit I had warrant vnder his hand mou●h By word of mouth sir . S●r Is it so ? Good Sir , his meaning was , you should put her fairely S●ee Shee vnderstands nothing that I can speake . vnd●●stands Shee vnderstands nothing that I can speake . sorn'd expresse your selfe in rude action . Shee has scorn'd you but well : you are a fine putter to't sine Shee has scorn'd you but well : you are a fine putter to't indeede . ●ust iust so did our Deyry Mayd at home serue my Lady Poth●cary presently . Good Mrs. Traynwell send to your Pothecary for some : 'twill make him wee ● e'now now e'n●● Pothecary for some : 'twill make him wee ● e'now now . ●ou poore soule , ) all must be Sir Phillip . You shall lye at his house . wi●h But not with him by my faith , and your leaue , in't ●etters to her selfe , and mee then to her , these fetters being shaken off , may they proue golden pro●e these ●etters being shaken off , may they proue golden ones to you , I shall not envie you g●lden ●etters being shaken off , may they proue golden ones to you , I shall not envie you . Tu●resse no thought sir . The intrest I haue in her Tutresse , with the work I haue fashion'd vpon my a●gment your wish to you , and adde halfe I haue to augment her estate to you . Oh I tremble to thinke ●o augment her estate to you . Oh I tremble to thinke on her : her presence shakes the h●m fitted her with a Second , my friend vex him , the Constable , then say there is no wit Kna●es Constable , then say there is no wit among Knaues , no want among Schollers , no rest in the Pat● Enter Fitchow , Pate , Widgine , Howdee . Howde● Enter Fitchow , Pate , Widgine , Howdee . Walt●r Sir , there's Master Walter can sing it rarely . S●ster Sister , VVife , and all , is a present nothing a●l Sister , VVife , and all , is a present nothing to this . Come round rou●d all , is a present nothing to this . Come round Gentlemen ▪ Keepe her but off , and let b●are VVidgine in the midst sings this Song . They all beare the burden , while shee scolds and striues she● Song . They all beare the burden , while shee scolds and striues to be amongst'hem . Tridewell scold● . They all beare the burden , while shee scolds and striues to be amongst'hem . Tridewell T●●●ewell shee scolds and striues to be amongst'hem . Tridewell holds her off . 〈◊〉 striues to be amongst'hem . Tridewell holds her off . S●old Hee that marries a Scold , a Scold , Hee has most cause to be merry : For when m●rry Scold , a Scold , Hee has most cause to be merry : For when shee's in her fits , he may cherish ●n most cause to be merry : For when shee's in her fits , he may cherish his wits By singing 〈◊〉 O no Master Bulfinch , you shall make one of M●ster O no Master Bulfinch , you shall make one of our Councill Counc●ll Master Bulfinch , you shall make one of our Councill . appreh●n● I apprehend Gentlemen you are merrily dispos'd ; in Gen●lemen I apprehend Gentlemen you are merrily dispos'd ; in good sadnesse ●adnesse Gentlemen you are merrily dispos'd ; in good sadnesse . App●e●end Apprehend a fooles head . Come into play . ●o●les Apprehend a fooles head . Come into play . 〈◊〉 his Patience mad . But he that marries a Scold a Scold , &c. He that weds with a Roa●ing 〈◊〉 Scold , &c. He that weds with a Roa●ing Girle , that will both scratch and bite ▪ Though ●crat●● weds with a Roa●ing Girle , that will both scratch and bite ▪ Though he study all day to make 〈◊〉 Roa●ing Girle , that will both scratch and bite ▪ Though he study all day to make her away ●carc● he that copes with a sullen Wench , That scarce will speake at all , Her doggednesse more ●ll sullen Wench , That scarce will speake at all , Her doggednesse more then a Scold or a perpetr●te doggednesse more then a Scold or a Whore , Will perpetrate his Gall . Do●e downe , &c. He that's matchd with a Turtle Doue , That has no spleene about her , Shall cha●g● of my doores . By vertue of my nayles , I charge yee . ●e not leaue an Eye or a No●e amongst 〈◊〉 nayles , I charge yee . ●e not leaue an Eye or a No●e amongst yee 〈◊〉 Sure I did apprehend this mirth as ●ight as could bee 〈◊〉 Sure I did apprehend this mirth as ●ight as could bee possible the wrong possi●le apprehend this mirth as ●ight as could bee possible the wrong way . Counc●ll a Gentleman I will giue you right frendly Councill , if you will heare me . ha●e Sir I haue perceiu'd humanity in you and doe loue it per●●●'d Sir I haue perceiu'd humanity in you and doe loue it in you . ●nto to doe , nor whom to heare . I am fallen into the pit of bondage , and will take any course wrong● Sir I am wrongd beyond expression . This Gentleman is an b●yond Sir I am wrongd beyond expression . This Gentleman is an eye witnes e●pression Sir I am wrongd beyond expression . This Gentleman is an eye witnes of my Madam● Madame , your case is in my apprehension , most d●sperate , your case is in my apprehension , most desperate , yet 〈…〉 comfort in regard you seeke aduise ad●ise desperate , yet 〈…〉 comfort in regard you seeke aduise and counsell . Mine is euer ready , and counse●l 〈…〉 comfort in regard you seeke aduise and counsell . Mine is euer ready , and more fortunate 〈◊〉 ready , and more fortunate oftentimes the Iudicious . For I doe nothing but vpon good reason de●●beration For I doe nothing but vpon good reason and deliberation . H●●dup Enter Squelch . Holdup . Vexhem . bes●●ch Sir I beseech your worship , deale not so seuerely with pu●se the trade , thought to make a Prey of her purse : which since your affrightment , could Cle●●k Ent. Cleark . lea●e thousand in my dayes . I hope I may haue leaue once in my life to laugh at mine owne . priu●tely committed a little Countrey folly , as shee priuately confesses . Whats that ● It may stand in li●e vertue here ; and then shee is content to liue as priuately as I please . Shee shall vp 〈◊〉 turne directly . Mistris Holdup , is your name say you ? wr●●gth peace in the VVest countrey , till Misfortune wrought his estate out of his hands . tho● and Authority bee thy comfort . By which thou shalt feele no want , nor feare no danger fe●le Authority bee thy comfort . By which thou shalt feele no want , nor feare no danger . But to our f●lnes thee , my sweet Girle , shall crowne vs with fulnes of delight and pleasure . tou●hing Ladyships wise brother , Master Widgi●e , touching my Neece . Now stend how do's my good Lady Se●uing back , then the bare Liuory , that a cast Seruing man can not shake off , of Knave and Beggar Kna●e a cast Seruing man can not shake off , of Knave and Beggar . S●uants I sir . Those are conuenient Seruants sir . Wee are couenant seruants . They are ●●akes without hard words , and are in feare , ( poore snakes ) to haue our sloughes pulled ouer our eares ear●s snakes ) to haue our sloughes pulled ouer our eares before the yeare goe about . Wee drudge tal●e out for our Ladies , when they are faine to talke Physick , and lye in for their Ladies . ●ase Humfrey . Let vs retire to the purpose . Put case I haue a Mistris in store for you ; to whom comm●nd Mistris in store for you ; to whom I may commend you vpon my owne credit , and vndertake ●attery be eight parts . Boldnesse , Neatnesse , Flattery and Secresie , rewarded . Diligence , Obedience Tru●h Secresie , rewarded . Diligence , Obedience Truth and Honesty , vnrewarded . Hon●sty rewarded . Diligence , Obedience Truth and Honesty , vnrewarded . B●ldnesse What is his Boldnesse . Boldness● His Boldnesse is the vse of his Manhood in right of his Ladi●s is the vse of his Manhood in right of his Ladies honour , degree , place or priuiledge , abr●ad degree , place or priuiledge , at home , abroad , in priuate or publique meeting , for the ●or , for the w●ll , for the what she will , for the what she calls . obtainin● By obtaining of Sutes made out of cast Gownes or Petticoates P●●●icoates obtaining of Sutes made out of cast Gownes or Petticoates . Which if hee be a Taylor , as most of 〈◊〉 of cast Gownes or Petticoates . Which if hee be a Taylor , as most of our middle sort th●ust made a Man in spight of the prouerbe , and thrust into the high way of aduancement . diue●sly His neatnesse consists most diuersly ▪ sir . Not onely in the decent wearing on●ly neatnesse consists most diuersly ▪ sir . Not onely in the decent wearing of those cloathes c●eane the decent wearing of those cloathes and cleane linnen , pruning his haire , russling his hair● cloathes and cleane linnen , pruning his haire , russling his Bootes , or ordring his shooes rufsling cloathes and cleane linnen , pruning his haire , russling his Bootes , or ordring his shooes tyes Boo●es linnen , pruning his haire , russling his Bootes , or ordring his shooes tyes ; these are shooe● haire , russling his Bootes , or ordring his shooes tyes ; these are poore expressions , a iouney ●ourney shooes tyes ; these are poore expressions , a iouney man Barbar will doo't . But to doe his office g●rb● doo't . But to doe his office neatly , his garbe , his pace , his postures , his co●es on complement● postures , his co●es on and his comes off , complements , his visites 〈◊〉 ▪ ●ould In which a profound iudgement could be pusselled . pussell●d In which a profound iudgement could be pusselled . La●ies relate how this Ladies tooth does ; and tother Ladies toe . How this Ladies Milk does : and how ●others toe . How this Ladies Milk does : and how tothers Doctor lik'd her last water : how this Ladies husban● Doctor lik'd her last water : how this Ladies husband ; and how tother Ladies dogge slept last Monk●y slept last night : how this childe , that Monkey , this Nurse , that Parrat , and a thousand a●thousand that Monkey , this Nurse , that Parrat , and a thousand such . Then his neatnesse in Chamber-worke Chamber-wo●ke and a thousand such . Then his neatnesse in Chamber-worke , or about the person of his Lady , in case r●ffe otherwise occupied , to conuey a pin into her ruffe neatly , or adde a help to her head dressing eu●ry discretion in Marshalling of meates ; to giue euery messe the due seruice , and euery dish his C●rbe seruant . Fall to your Postures Humfrey . Your Garbe . 〈◊〉 can Shoulder my Lady too : but that is when she takes Coach ; and Foot my Lady , when she Co●ch my Lady too : but that is when she takes Coach ; and Foot my Lady , when she alights . tri●les wayt your Lady to the Burse . She has some trifles to buy there . I will finde you there presently an● threed ; some Netting pins and Needles , and a Frame to flourish my worke on . Hereafter Bulfi●ch Enter Fitchow , Tridewell , Bulfinch , Widgine , Anuile . A●●●le Fitchow , Tridewell , Bulfinch , Widgine , Anuile . sh●w'd the calamity I suffer vnder . And you haue shew'd mee the best way to comfort : for which Divo●ce you . I haue giuen you my resolution for a Divorce , vpon condition . Before which , I must relishe● It relishes a little ● do much of womanly wilfulnesse ●●lfulnesse It relishes a little ● do much of womanly wilfulnesse I confesse . But all my wilfulnesse ( that Bulfi●ch then , before your discreet neighbour M. Bulfinch here . If you haue not your will in this ●atter appeare in it , for I will not be seene in the matter . s●uerally Ex. seuerally . ●ong'd now . Prithee let's loose no time . I never long'd more for my mothers comming from a Christning thi● Sir , be you and this Lady but as confident of my fidelity , and Kinsm●n action , and if I breake not the toyles your Kinsman is in , and make you Mistris of my Intrest Co●fe the good you intended me , bee a lockram Coife , a blew Gowne , a Wheele and a cleane Whip perso●ate yeild to Diuorce , if Constance whom I now personate be first maried or contracted . fu●ther Nay , I haue a further helpe then , you both imagine yet . se●uice cunningly instructed to worke himselfe into the seruice of Constance , to further her brothers proceedings ●pt takes to bee the same Mistris , if I make not apt vse of it — m●et you of , and sir Phillips appointment to meet you there an houre hence ? disco●ered If my deceit now , should bee discouered , before my worke be ended , my Brain tricks Ve●us faire hopes , Purchase me the Lash . fore Venus . my flesh eene trembles to thinke on't 〈◊〉 Purchase me the Lash . fore Venus . my flesh eene trembles to thinke on't . It brings likewise an● vnpittied the punishment of a Whore is , and how sodainely it ouertakes her ? My ioynt Con●piratours how sodainely it ouertakes her ? My ioynt Conspiratours are in no danger . I only run the hazard ●anging must into my fit — Withdrawes behind the hanging . Howde● Enter Widgine , Anvile , Howdee . ●ot sir Phillip me at euery word ; and if I doe not sir Phillip her , better then euer shee ●●rength ●is pa●● your strength or reach either by forty I beleeue . I doubt for●ooth toyes . E●ne now shee was great with Child forsooth as shee could goe . And was perswaded she ●le Ile father it as well as hee . Ist a Boy or I●t Ile father it as well as hee . Ist a Boy or a Girle trow ▪ Would shee would 〈◊〉 recalled be By cryes of either thee , or me : For should wee cry , vntill wee dye , sc●nt wee cry , vntill wee dye , VVee could not scent his cruelty . Ballow , Ballow , &c. H●e cr●elty vntill wee dye , VVee could not scent his cruelty . Ballow , Ballow , &c. H●e needs might ne●ds scent his cruelty . Ballow , Ballow , &c. H●e needs might in himselfe foresee , VVhat thou successiuely forese● Ballow , &c. H●e needs might in himselfe foresee , VVhat thou successiuely might'st be ; 〈◊〉 H●e needs might in himselfe foresee , VVhat thou successiuely might'st be ; And could hee ●●ccessiuely needs might in himselfe foresee , VVhat thou successiuely might'st be ; And could hee then , ( though ●ould VVhat thou successiuely might'st be ; And could hee then , ( though me foregoe ) His Infant d●d though me foregoe ) His Infant leaue , ere hee did know , How like the Dad would bee the Lad fon● Dad would bee the Lad , In time , to make fond Maydens glad Ballow , ballew , &c. glad● the Lad , In time , to make fond Maydens glad Ballow , ballew , &c. Con●●ance How is this pretty Mrs. Constance , that you complaine of your Loue before 〈◊〉 heare you vary weell ; and could ●ene wish i' my heart I could beleeue you . bele●ue I doe beleeue you sir . But pray protest no more by that prote●● I doe beleeue you sir . But pray protest no more by that name till you make your selfe ●le your Seruant here ; and say but the word ; Ile get a Licence presently , fetch you away bo●●y Marry mee , marry me , quoth the bonny Lasse : and when will you beginne . w●dding As for thy wedding Lasse wee'll doe well enough , in spight wee'●● As for thy wedding Lasse wee'll doe well enough , in spight ● ' the best ee●e Gouernour ; wilt thou beleeue me ? It eene pitties my heart , to wrong so sweet a peece Dostiny , deserues a whole Rope . But I hope that Destiny attends not me , though this Mariage be agreed● Come Gouernour , we are agreed lets goe that wee may hye vs againe , and B●rlady shee meanes hee shall marry her for a Song . Byrlady a competent Moderne portion . ha'found the wet my clothes had spill'd , Then to ha' found that harbour For there a subtile Serpent 〈◊〉 harmelesse thinking I , Still watching when the showre would dye , Lay listning to a Bird , That ●ate dye , Lay listning to a Bird , That singing sate vpon the Bower , Her noates vnto the falling Bo●er listning to a Bird , That singing sate vpon the Bower , Her noates vnto the falling showre , the 〈◊〉 And by my conscience tis true , twere made i' Durham , on a Lasse of my bignesse . be● warrant thee : for all Maids are mad till they bee maried . f●●st Phillip , be a litle startled . But I meane the first night to put so much of my owne loue into be●isons All benisons bee with you . Indeed you be the goodliest ●●●like come but as well off o' my old Vncle , as am like to come on with my young Cose● , here m●tch vnlook'd for ; a match vvithout treaty ; a match vntalk'd or vnheard of . Hee is comming ●ace . Hee is comming before I haue shifted my face . Mee thinks I heare the rusting of his ●is face . Mee thinks I heare the rusting of his bristles hither . Yet my lips must stand ●et heare the rusting of his bristles hither . Yet my lips must stand the assault ; pray loue E●ter Enter Squelch to Holdup . Sq●elch Enter Squelch to Holdup . m●e Where's my Girle ? My hony sweet Girle ? Kisse mee ; Kisse I say directly : I'le s●cure thee 〈◊〉 Girle ? My hony sweet Girle ? Kisse mee ; Kisse I say directly : I'le s●cure thee . As I I ' le Man of Authority , and that of Midlesex , I'le secure thee . Ha my Lasse , these lips haue Las●● that of Midlesex , I'le secure thee . Ha my Lasse , these lips haue the true Elixir in 'hem Elixi● . Ha my Lasse , these lips haue the true Elixir in 'hem indeede , to restore youth and strength fai●'d charmes , or vvhat the Poets vvould haue fained . How now 〈…〉 Loue ? I hope my Neeces habit ma●e this Wench was seduc'd . Shee might haue made a Wife for a good Esquire . Shee would serue Wi●e Wench was seduc'd . Shee might haue made a Wife for a good Esquire . Shee would serue a f●r vvhen I haue done vvith her , doing that for her , as I meane to doe . She may perhaps ●isse directly . Maintaine it now , vvith a cordiall kisse . So , so , so ▪ Good . Very good ; and s●r Shee sayes shee is vvife to a Constable sir , that you lately committed ; and if your ar● , and shee's vndone , all their children are vndone , that vnborne in her belly is vndone th●e besides I am so vex'd . But I will returne to thee in the evening , Duck : And since I am so ●ee are here then , for I shall never endure to see other shape of Man . O these trunke ho●● ●i●guis'd I will be disguis'd directly . I will runne through all the Iupi●er . I will runne through all the shapes of Iupiter , befor● I will againe be prevented . Farewell ●weet will againe be prevented . Farewell . O my sweet ! At seuen in the euening expect me . — eu●ning . Farewell . O my sweet ! At seuen in the euening expect me . — ag●ine and sayes hee will be here at seuen a clock againe . But shall I tell you a fiue thing Mistris 〈◊〉 Humfrey . Thou must bid Mistris Traynwell sonne to me a little before six ● for a very good Wee ' le Nay , it shall hinder nothing . Wee'le away the faster . bus●n●sses Ladies heart for euer . To mannage two such businesses more , were enough to raise me Agent for o● effects of the one , then the smooth directions of the other . Gentl●man Sir , the Gentleman is below , he came with me , onely I would ●caring to her fight vvithout your approbation , scaring it might doe hurt . G●ue Giue me your hand Mrs. Constance . I haue good lo●g Tis a long whayle ●ine I hear● ony . ●ee put downe at gallowes : an ● I vvould not bee sh●e for all the wordly good that ere I ●aw bee sh●e for all the wordly good that ere I saw with 〈…〉 . And o' my conscience Ile be none consci●nce good that ere I saw with 〈…〉 . And o' my conscience Ile be none of his 〈…〉 I●e ere I saw with 〈…〉 . And o' my conscience Ile be none of his 〈…〉 pra●tl●s She prattles very prettily me thinks . Married already 〈◊〉 She prattles very prettily me thinks . Married already ? Sure Cupid shot you with a forked f●or●ed Married already ? Sure Cupid shot you with a forked arrow out of his Crosbow . But what will o● Sure Cupid shot you with a forked arrow out of his Crosbow . But what will you say Lady 〈◊〉 But what will you say Lady , i● by my Ar● I render this Gentleman vnmarried againe , and a Gent●eman you say Lady , i● by my Ar● I render this Gentleman vnmarried againe , and a Suter vnto you y●u Gentleman vnmarried againe , and a Suter vnto you presently ? pr●sen●ly Gentleman vnmarried againe , and a Suter vnto you presently ? Th●t Marry ▪ shall I tell you what I'le say sir ? That deserues hanging worse then tother matter d●serues shall I tell you what I'le say sir ? That deserues hanging worse then tother matter , you would ●at●er ? That deserues hanging worse then tother matter , you would poyson his vvife by your Art th●re your Art , wod yee ? and make your gowne there the Hangmans ●ee the second time ? It lookes mu●● his already ; and you like such a Doctor I must tell yee , by your leaue . God blesse me bl●sse Doctor I must tell yee , by your leaue . God blesse me fro thee . Mrs. Traynwell where are 〈◊〉 Out of her wits say they ? I feare shee is wiser then all of vs , that haue to doe with her b●tter haue to doe with her . Shee knowes my gowne better than I doe : for I haue had but two houres th●n doe with her . Shee knowes my gowne better than I doe : for I haue had but two houres acquaintance ho●res better than I doe : for I haue had but two houres acquaintance with it . 'Tis no longer since ●o but two houres acquaintance with it . 'Tis no longer since I hir'd it of the hangmans Mercha●t no longer since I hir'd it of the hangmans Merchant a Broker . It might ha' beene Lopus gowne ●ake O Mrs. Traynwell , for deare Charities sake ha' me soone fro' this Man : for I'le nere soone● Traynwell , for deare Charities sake ha' me soone fro' this Man : for I'le nere take ony thing 〈◊〉 Traynwell , for deare Charities sake ha' me soone fro' this Man : for I'le nere take ony thing purpo●e faith you wrong me : Nor of any poysoning purpose . I was but putting a case of — ●alute I must first salute him by your favour . Sir , all the accumulations favo●r I must first salute him by your favour . Sir , all the accumulations of honour accumul●tions salute him by your favour . Sir , all the accumulations of honour showre downe vpon you . S●r Sir . May you reape the vvhole harvest of your r●●pe Sir . May you reape the vvhole harvest of your fruitfull wishes keep● Deare sir , keepe further fro' him . h●s and you shall haue the vvhole benefit of his presence to your selfe . ●e Be not afraid sweet-heart , he dares not hurt ●roth In troth he breathes to neare him . 〈◊〉 Ile warrant you . What has hee done to moue wa●rant Ile warrant you . What has hee done to moue her thus y●u Ile warrant you . What has hee done to moue her thus ? I m●ue Ile warrant you . What has hee done to moue her thus ? I know not what this obscure thi● hee done to moue her thus ? I know not what this obscure Doctor is . But M. Tridewell put 〈◊〉 done to moue her thus ? I know not what this obscure Doctor is . But M. Tridewell put me vpon ●pproved But M. Tridewell put me vpon him ; and his approved honesty has and must kill all m●s trust ●rust approved honesty has and must kill all m●s trust in me . C●ach Your Coach is ready at dore you say . d●licate Ye● my most delicate Doctor . 〈◊〉 after a few vvords away vvith her . I haue perform'd my part sir . I'le hold the discreet gouernesse I' le vvith her . I haue perform'd my part sir . I'le hold the discreet gouernesse in talke in ●ouernesse perform'd my part sir . I'le hold the discreet gouernesse in talke in the next roome . nex● hold the discreet gouernesse in talke in the next roome . l●au● Lady I haue instructed the gent . shall we leaue them ? th●m haue instructed the gent . shall we leaue them ? Kin●mans make no doubt of your noblenesse vpon your Kinsmans word , my Complotter in this busines . Therefore Eueni●g M. Tridewell ▪ hath appointed , till the Euening ; and let me alone to scuffle with the old nobl● Mad-cap to your Lady in a Thunder-clap . But noble sir , your reputation — els● I is sure , ile nener be mine owne else . m●c But you will not goe away with mee now , if I request you ? with●sses the houre you speake in , and all Saints be witnesses . E●en Euen he sir . Where's my charge ; Mistris Constance C●ach A Coach sir ? Alas I am affraid ; my flesh trembles Ncece great Master the Diuels name ? Where's my Neece ? Luckt●s here came in one Master Widgine , the Lady Luckles brother — th●t is , her Vncle is so mad at their escape , that hee will neuer giue consent to the match su●ficient Hang him Clod . My will shall be a portion sufficient to my brother , I care not , though hee Iu●ge office , who haue appointed to meet before the IUdge of the Archdeacons Court presently , whither Archdeaacous appointed to meet before the IUdge of the Archdeacons Court presently , whither I haue promised p●esent●y before the IUdge of the Archdeacons Court presently , whither I haue promised to bring , and Phill●p Sir Phillip hath wa●ning already Madame ; and without M●dame Sir Phillip hath wa●ning already Madame ; and without needlesse processe will bee co●ming will bee there before you , and wait your comming . So that my selfe and his seruant , who serua●t wait your comming . So that my selfe and his seruant , who haue neuer beene both absent from deposi●g your companies , since your Mariage , iustly deposing you neuer did the reallest Rite of Mariage ne●er since your Mariage , iustly deposing you neuer did the reallest Rite of Mariage , the bed o●lice did the reallest Rite of Mariage , the bed office , Madame ; you both consenting , and desiring y●u Rite of Mariage , the bed office , Madame ; you both consenting , and desiring a Diuorce d●siring office , Madame ; you both consenting , and desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without i● consenting , and desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without any proceedings inst●ncly consenting , and desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without any proceedings in Law g●au●●ed and desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without any proceedings in Law . So that with●ut desiring a Diuorce , It is instantly graunted , without any proceedings in Law . So that all will i● instantly graunted , without any proceedings in Law . So that all will be ended in three euded proceedings in Law . So that all will be ended in three whispers . Ods pitty , looke who Sque●ch Enter Squelch to Fitchow . Lu kiesse O are you here my Lady Lucklesse ? ha'mistaken Twas time you found me sir ; you might ha' mistaken my name else . For within this F●r sir ; you might ha' mistaken my name else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd withi● you might ha' mistaken my name else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd the ancient ● mistaken my name else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd the ancient title of m●ght my name else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd the ancient title of your retu●●'d else . For within this heure , I might haue return'd the ancient title of your friend , and Awdery F●tchow ancient title of your friend , and Awdery Fitchow . N●●●● Slow wov , where is my Neece ? si● Where are your wits sir ? you come vpon me indeed ● What Neece ? inde●d Where are your wits sir ? you come vpon me indeed ● What Neece ? What's the matter ? Censtance My Neece Constance , that your brother Widgine stole from the Widgi●e My Neece Constance , that your brother Widgine stole from the Doctor , and is stowne away witha● stole from the Doctor , and is stowne away withal . But hee must not thinke to scape so ? D●coy I may take him , and his Duck too , in my Decoy , before they be coupled , as sure as your you● The plot smels of your Ladiships policy ; your Ladiships Lilly white fist is foule in the t●ule policy ; your Ladiships Lilly white fist is foule in the busines . But I will haue a bout t●e your Ladiships Lilly white fist is foule in the busines . But I will haue a bout at fisticuffs b●utat foule in the busines . But I will haue a bout at fisticuffs in Law with your Ladyship sisticuffs in the busines . But I will haue a bout at fisticuffs in Law with your Ladyship : your great acquaintance acquain●●nce fisticuffs in Law with your Ladyship : your great acquaintance , and alliance in the Whatshical . Court ●our●● alliance in the Whatshical . Court No●●b●● 〈◊〉 your power there must not cary it , my great 〈◊〉 in the Whatshical . Court No●●b●● 〈◊〉 your power there must not cary it , my great Lady . Co●panion Your ●re an vnciuill greasie Companion , to vpbraid and reuile me thus in my owne Madarne O good Madame , hurt not your selfe with anger better M●n for the Peace I take it . Do's it become a Man of your place and grauity , to fly out in you● Peace I take it . Do's it become a Man of your place and grauity , to fly out in these Gen●evvoman life ; only I haue heard shee is a pretty Gentlevvoman : likely to make a good Match , for vvhich cou●d and vvould haue treated vvith you for her , could I haue spoken vvith you as I vvish'd by Mess●ges spoken vvith you as I vvish'd by tvvo or three Messages . But vvhither my brother has got her , good-Wise mocks me to my face all this while . Well good-Wife , Mistris , Madame — Mi●ris my face all this while . Well good-Wife , Mistris , Madame — Innekee pers Well my Lord Innekeepers second Sonne : Do's your Provender prick Pro●ender Lord Innekeepers second Sonne : Do's your Provender prick you ? brok●n thee thou Thing , made vp of Chippings , broken Beare , Candle-ends , and sisting of Sea O●t out you Curry-combe . ●●●ld done the most dangerous contempt that law could deuise to punish , then if I take him to m●ster Ile muster vp my Constables , and send out a priuy immedia●ly Constables , and send out a priuy search immediately . — come● Looke you now Madame . See who here comes . at chieuement Sister fall downe , and adore me for my great atchieuement . Humfrey kneele downe to her H●msrey and adore me for my great at chieuement . Humfrey kneele downe to her that shee may dub thee Vip●r that was thy inuention . ) Then the litle Viper hang vpon me , not to be shak'd off , til seare In and in sister , and be close enough , feare not — Mistri● Mistris , I will goe no further in this businesse lim●●ed further in this businesse , then you haue limited me in your directions : 'twill be revenge Lisc●uery Midnight , then I will pray for you for this Discouery . I will instantly call my priuy-search Exenut Exeunt . ●ooles subdoodled thus , In I protest and vow a kind of fooles Paradise . occasi●n here's the strangenesse of it ; and the onely occasion that requires you ayde in the entertainment r●quires strangenesse of it ; and the onely occasion that requires you ayde in the entertainment . This great ●●ast the entertainment . This great Supper or feast ( as I may properly call it ) was appointed Provision●d Sir Poule himselfe , the money to buy the Provisioned deliver'd by his owne hand , to his own live●'d himselfe , the money to buy the Provisioned deliver'd by his owne hand , to his own Servant ; h●s hand , to his own Servant ; the Guests of his owne election ; vet he , out of the multiplicity m●eting there was any such preparation , or any such meeting intended , as appeares evidently by his inten●ed any such preparation , or any such meeting intended , as appeares evidently by his absence . ●y as appeares evidently by his absence . But my Mistris has got all the meate privately h●sh ready at the next house , on purpose that he should should see nothing — u●d the next house , on purpose that he should should see nothing — sal●te Onely salute 'hem , bid 'hem welcome ; Tell'hem Sir Paule affaites was hastily call'd forth on his Majesties affaires ; Entreat their patience till his returne Bulsinch Ent. Bulfinch and Cleark . Vonsens● to come too with all possible speede . M. Nonsense you are well apprehended . hast●ly bid 'hem welcome . Tell'hem Sir Paule was hastily call'd forth on his Maiesties affaires . inchaun●ed This is some inchaunted Place , and the people are charm'd . I haue P●ace This is some inchaunted Place , and the people are charm'd . I haue mistaken Fitch●w Enter Tridewell and Fitchew disguis'd and Masqu'd . bese●ch I beseech you mistake not so his purpose sir : which I'obacco [ Enter Cleark vvith Sack and Tobacco . ] I'obacco Look yee . Here's good Sack , and good Tobacco . And before the rest of the Guests become b●co●e Tobacco . And before the rest of the Guests become , Sir Paule vvill be here himselfe . apprekend As I am a Iustice of Peace I cannot apprehend , and yet me thinks I doe . What sort of lo●ke out before mee like a layle deliuery . They looke like men betwixt a Repriue and Pardon . anthority to execute his place in his absence . Your authority makes you capable of it ; and I doe the 〈◊〉 his shame , and my renowne in the Common wealth . By your Worships leaue . b●ing What newes bring you M. Constable ? ●ou What newes bring you M. Constable ? Wi●t Spanish newes sir . Wilt please your Worship to examine the vertue aecordingly vertue of my Warrant , and then these Persons accordingly ? N●tion rable too ! how the deuill brok this vnknowne Nation into my house , or doe not I mistake it surther yet disclose my selfe : but looke a little further towards the event . Spa●iard Are you a Spaniard sir ? ●eard are a People of very spare dyet , I haue heard , and therefore seldome fat . Su●e you you br●eding fat . Su●e you you haue had most of your breeding in this Countrey , the dyet whereof you C●untrey you haue had most of your breeding in this Countrey , the dyet whereof you like better then ●ome linger here , after all you Country men , vpon some vncouth plot . And I shall wonder therefore vn●ouch here , after all you Country men , vpon some vncouth plot . And I shall wonder therefore how siue English word not I s●● . Alasse I haue not been fiue ●ayes in the Kingdome . K●ngio●e Alasse I haue not been fiue ●ayes in the Kingdome . exc●llent This is excellent ! 〈◊〉 Alasse , what shall wee doe then ? Gentlemen , S●a●get , to helpe mee to vnderstand this strange Stranger ? sh●er● Rialls worth amongst vs of any language but shiere English . S●iere What Shiere of our Nation is next to Spaine ? Perhaps vnd●rst●nd Nation is next to Spaine ? Perhaps he may vnderstand that Shier , English . Shi●r to Spaine ? Perhaps he may vnderstand that Shier , English . Corn●all Deuonshire or Cornwall sir . transform ' ● Am I transform'd vtterly ? Is my Language alter'd with my Dri●lash Tutors there , Master Cleanewhip , Master Dri-lash , and diuers others . o●licious You officious Rascall , are you mad ? Tho● do't ; here's my hand and faith , Ile do't . Thou art mine , and I am thine directly . ●earke Then hearke you sir . S●premacie him to you with the oaths of Alegiance , & Supremacie in his mouth presently ? ●e●erues I wil say , she deserues for euer hereafter to hold her peace . ●or I wil say , she deserues for euer hereafter to hold her peace . bear● Now beare vp sir . Looke confidently , and say , you purp●sely confidently , and say , you put on your Disguise purposely to intertaine disguis'd Guests . Come auant M●n Thou hast made me a Man for euer , and I will make thee a Woman Metamor . phosis directly . Gallants saue you . See here the Metamor.phosis , that meanes to metamorphose you all . k●nd Disguises , and thought to intertaine you in your kind . P●ul Sir Paul Squelch ! I●●st First out of you , my Vsurper , and most Vpstartical o●lice Vsurper , and most Vpstartical Iustice , whose office is your trade , and Clearke your Prentice ●his Bulfinch , out of the Chaire of Iustice . this my prognosticate the p●t●ing of my selfe o●e should know one another sir Paul : or else one of vs two were both very ignorant . W●ere Master Doctor , I will pick a certaine Knane . Where is my Neece sirah ? slrah pick a certaine Knane . Where is my Neece sirah ? N●eces Which of your Neeces sir ? Batch● lor Sir if you will Metamorphose me out of a Batchelor , into a Bridegroome , Ile shew you your lest kist Newgate . But now I haue sir ; she has left a Child vpon our Parish , I am sure got Liuen an vnknowne father ; and has beene a loose Liuer , both at Duke Humfreyes , and most of the Widgi●e Duck ? my name is Widgine , you mistake the man sure . vn●one O I am vndone , quite cast away . Sister helpe mee now diuore'd mistaken for another a lawfull impediment to be diuorc'd for , though they were married . I● It might doe well if ( as hee confesses himselfe con●esses It might doe well if ( as hee confesses himselfe ) he had not made all too sure with●ut not made all too sure , as well within as without . l●t Phillip , while they wrangle out their cause , let vs agree : Find you but the meanes to make w● neither he nor I may lawfully marry , while we both liue , hauing beene lawfully married 〈◊〉 loue gaue the strenght to my wit . Fit . My loue ? ●ou O that's done already . What are you agreed ? ourn Wife againe , let her be a witch , and may I burn with her for company . Gouernour , thou th●e sir — wid . Nay , I dare not but beeleeue thee before thou speakest Gouernour : therefore Couernour not but beeleeue thee before thou speakest Gouernour : therefore prithee lets not talke on't o●'t Gouernour : therefore prithee lets not talke on't our selues , but quietly , and presently L●dies Gentlemen and Ladies , I see you all at peace so well , that peace●o Gentlemen and Ladies , I see you all at peace so well , that I wish no further content h●re further content to any , except Master Nonsense here . en●ugh'o Neuer credit me but I haue had sport enough 'o conscience , and if I doe not make a Stage ●rendly I am glad you conclude so frendly with the rest . All the vnquietnesse will ●re You are all Welcome : And I wish euery Guest as ●asses wish euery Guest as merry , as our Northern Lasses Feast .