The exposition of the Paradox .

AS in all others , so in this Paradox , the words carry a strange sense , and seeme to import a meere contrariety and vntruth : For ( according to the word ) how can it bee , that one hauing little , should be rich ? and another much , should be poore ? Wherefore wee must seeke another , and more secret meaning ; knowing that euery Paradox hath both an outward and inward sense . The one ( as I may terme it ) superficicall , the other essentiall ; the one left to the gazing of fools , with admiration ; the other to the wise , with deepe consideration : The one to the eye and outward appearance onely , the other to the inward sense and iudgement . For my promised breuities sake ( omitting many ) I will speake only of three things , with their appurtenances ; wherein our then wise Fathers , did greatly differ from vs , now fooles . These three which haue turned things vpside down , and strangely altered our estate , are suits of law , suits of apparell , and drunkennesse ; which being well considered , with matters subsequent , it will appeare , that these three foule staines in our faire common-wealth , doe plainely lay open , and proue the inward truth of my Paradox : for , to speake first in generall ; Our Fathers in apparell were very plaine , drunkennesse was abhorred , & as it is a most base trade , so vsed onely of the most base , and some few of the very abiect sort . They did not ambitiously striue to get that which they could not compasse , to borrow that which they could not repay , neither to contend for euerie trifle in law , which at this day are causes of infinite suits : but liuing quietly and neighbourly with that they had , they were euer rich , able to giue and lend freely . But now ( on the contrary , our rents being generally fiue times as much as our Fathers receiued for the same land ) the idle and senselesse expences of senselesse drunkards , the outragious charge of suits in law , the monstrous prodigality in apparell , maketh vs ( seeming great and rich in outward shew ) to be full of care , trouble , euer needie , and very beggarly : For , by these three meanes wee striue to seeme kings , but contend indeed who shall be first beggars ; so that the old Prouerbe is in this age most truly verified ; Stultorum plena sunt omnia , The world is full of fooles . Now of these three particularly ; and first

Of Drunkennesse .

THis most monstrous vice is thus defined . Ebrietas est priuatio motus recti & intellectus , Drunkennesse is the priuation of orderly motion and vnderstanding . This definition agreeth in part with that which Galen hath , lib. 30. de locis affectis , of naturall folly , which is , Stultitia est amissio intellectus , Folly is the losse of vnderstanding : and another saith , it is absentia intellectus , the absence or want of vnderstanding : But I neede not stand much about the definition of drunkennesse , or to shew what it is : For ( with griefe I speake it ) the Tauernes , Alehoufes , and the verie streetes are so full of drunkards , in all parts of this kingdome , that by the sight of them it is better knowne what this detestable and odious vice is , than by anie definition whatsoeuer . God hath made all things for man , hath made him ruler and gouernour ouer all ; which office that he may the better performe , hee hath giuen him reason ( a most diuine thing , and precious iewell ) to gouerne his actions , whereby he farre excelleth all other creatures . This is well compared to a Carpenters Rule : for without a Rule the Carpenter can neuer orderly compose his worke ; but euery part will bee out of frame : so these drunkards ( hauing expelled reason , that most excellent rule ) are in farre worse case than bruite beasts ; for they haue neither reason nor nature to direct them , but shew themselues either fooles or mad men , as they are formerly defined . I would to God , they would consider how many murders haue been , and daily are committed by drunkards ; so that some of them are killed and taken away in the middest of their wickednesse ; others hanged , loosing lands and goods , to the ouerthrow of their houses . This sinne is ( in a word ) in it selfe damnable , and the very path-way leading to all other wickednesse whatsoeuer . Inter alia , hoc me mirificè excruciat , quòd Academiae nostrae morbo hoc pernicioso laborare dicuntur : nam fontes si inficiantur , riui omnes non nisi aquam putidam praebere poterint . But ( still mindfull of my promised breuitie ) I will onely set downe notes ( as it were ) or short speeches of drunkards & drunkennesse , and so take my leaue of that wherewith I was neuer acquainted .

I reade of one brought vp from his infancy in a wildernesse , at last comming to a citie , and seeing a drunken man going vp & downe the streets , vse clamorous and outragious words , farre from reason , in his gate staggering , and in all his actions foolish and rude , asked what creature that was , being so like in shape to a man , and no man .

Another seeing one come drunke out of a Tauerne , falling downe in the streete , and vomiting vp in great abundance the wine with which hee had ouercharged his stomacke , said , Look , look , I will shew you a strange sight ; This man hath in this sort vomited many goodly Lordships , and great treasure , left him by his father ; and now he hath neither wealth , nor wit , but is a beggar and a besotted foole .

It is written , that one comming into a place where many were drunke , one of them offered him a full cup ; to whom hee said , there was poison in it , or worse than poison : for it hath bereft you all of your wits and vnderstanding . I will none , I thanke you .

One seeing a man extreamely drunk , and still drinking excessiuely , said , Alasse , let him drinke no more . To whom another answered , Let him drinke still , for he is good for nothing else ; and it is not fit for a man to liue , that is good for nothing .

They that force others to drunkennes●● , are like stinking sinkes , which receiue all filthy and loathsome things , and therewith infect others .

One being asked , what hee thought of a man often drunke , said , He is a peece of ground good for nothing , which bringeth forth nothing but weedes .

A drunken man sleeping soundly , one said , It is pitty he should euer wake ; for now hee doth no harme , but when he is awake he is euer speaking or doing something that is naught .

I haue heard , that in Spaine if one be drunke , his oath in neuer after to be taken before a Iudge .

A Philosopher hearing one brag of his great drinking ( as many do in these daies ) said , my Mule doth farre excell thee in that vertue .

It were very fit that drunkards , hauing lands , should bee made wards , of what age soeuer : for they are not able to gouern themselues nor their liuings , more than children .

Sentences of wise men , touching Drunkennesse and Drunkards .

COmes ebrietatis paupertas , Beggarie is the companion of drunkennesse .

Qui fiunt crebrò ebrij , cit ò senescunt , They that are often drunke , are quickly old .

Nulla fides ebrio danda , nec huic negotium committendum , There is no trust to bee giuen to a drunkard , neither any businesse to be committed to him .

Ebrietas contentiosa , Drunkennesse is full of quarrells .

Ebrietas somes libidinis , Drunkennesse is fuell for filthy lust .

Ebriost Psittacorum more modo loquuntur , Drunkards speake but like Parrets .

Vino repletus , vinum habet , seipsum non habet , He that is full of wine , hath wine , himselfe hee hath not .

Ebrietas dulce venenum , Drunkennesse is a pleasant poison .

Nescit ebrietas vel imperare , vel parere , Drunkennesse knoweth neither to gouerne , nor to bee gouerned .

Vbiebrietas , ibi sola fortuna ; vbi sola fortuna , ibi nulla sapientia dominatur , Where drunkennesse is , there onely fortune ; where onely fortune is , there no wisedome doth beare rule .

Ebriosus semper in praecipiti stat , A drunkard standeth alwaies as it were in a place ready to breake his necke .

Ebrium noliconsulere , Neuer aske counsell of a drunkard .

Ebrietas non minor quàm insania , sed breuior , Drunkennesse is no lesse than madnesse , but shorter .

So haue you heard , what the wisest men long since haue said of this filthy vice , and the vicious followers of the same .

To conclude , I wish all drunkards to read this , euery morning as soone as they rise , that thereby they may be perswaded to reformation that day ; and to remember how greatly that beast-like and loathsome sinne hurteth the soule , the body , the purse , and the name or reputation . It is in it selfe so odious & detestable before God , and all ciuill men ; that , as one saying , Loe , yonder is a cruell Lyon ; which words cause a man presently to flie and shift away : so if I had but named drunkennesse , that onely word should bee a sufficient perswasion for wise men to auoide the same . For the Lyon is not so dangerous , who killeth onely the body , as drunkennesse which killeth body and soule .

Of the excessiue abuse in apparrell .

THere are professors of a rare and strange art or science , who are named Proportionaries ; but seldome set to worke . If you deliuer one of these a bone of your Grand-fathers little finger , hee will by that finde the proportion of all his bones , and tell you to an inch how tall a man your Grand-father was : So I herein mind to vse some of their skill ; for seeing it is an infinite matter , sigillatim to write of all the peeuish , childish , and more than foolish costly ornaments now vsed ( especially being obiect to euery mans sight ) I will onely take the head with the neck , and by these , tell you what proportion all the rest of the body holdeth , downe to the lowest part of the foote . I saw a complete Gentleman of late , whose Beuer-hat cost xxxvii . s . a feather xx . s . the hatband iij. li. and his ten double Ruffe iiij . li. thus the head and necke onely were furnished , and that but of one suite , for ix . li.xvii.s . Now taking the proportion of the brauery for the rest of the body ; the cloak lined with veluet , daubed ouer with gold lace two fingers broad , the sattin doublet and hose in like sort decked , the silke stockings , with costly garters hanging downe to the small of the legge , the Spanish shooes with glittering roses , the girdell and Steletto ; I leaue it to those that herein know more than I , and can speake of greater brauery than this , to cast vp the totall summe : wherein also ( as an appurtenant ) they may remember his Mistris suted at his charge , and cast vp both summes in one . But on the contrary , I obserued but 60. yeares since , generally a man full as good or better in ability than this complete , lusty looking lad , whose hat and band cost but v.s. and his ruffe but xii d. at the most . So you see the difference of these summes ; the one ix . li.xvii.s . the other vi . s . Then after this proportion , the whole attire of the one , cost aboue 30. times as much as the attire of the other : forget not also that the one lasteth three times as long as the other ; subiect to change , as fashions change . There is another appurtenant to this guilded folly ; for if his Mistris say it doth not become him , or if the fashion change , that suit is presently left off , and another bought . I will not forget , but touch a little the foolish and costly fashion of changing fashions , noted especially , and obiected against our English nation ; and in one onely thing ( I meane the hat ) I will expresse our prodigious folly in all the rest . Of late the broad brimmd hat came suddainely in fashion , and put all other out of countenance and request ; and happy were they that could get them soonest , and be first seene in that fashion : so that a computation being made , there is at the least 300000. li. or much more , in England onely bestowed in broad brimmd hats , within one yeare and an halfe . As for others , either Beuer or Felts , they were on the suddaine of no reckoning at all : in so much , that my selfe ( still continuing one fashion ) I bought a Beuer hat for v.s. which the yeare before could not bee had vnder 30. s. The like , or more may be said of the change from plain to double ruffes : But if you wil see the effect of these follies , & what lamentable estate it bringeth many vnto ; go to the Kings bench-prison , to the Fleet , to the Counters , and like places ; where you shall finde many that in golden glittering brauery haue shined like the Sunne , but now ( their patrimonies and all being spent , and they in debt ) their Sun is eclipsed , and they rest there in very miserable case , be wailing their vaine , and more than childish course of life ; and some of them call to minde how they haue heard , that their fore-fathers ( on that liuing , which they haue in lewd sort spent , and disinherited their family of for euer ) liued bountifully , quietly , pleasantly , and ( as I may truly say ) like Kings in their little kingdomes : They seldome or neuer went to London , they did not striue for greatnesse , they did not long for their neighbours land , neither sold of their owne , but ( keeping good hospitalitie , and plainely euer attired were very rich . Well , if the hat alone , and in so short a time hath put England to that charge , by change of fashion onely : what hath Lawnes , Cambrickes , Silkes , Sattins , Veluets , and the rest done , and change of fashion in them ? I will deliuer you my opinion ( out of my loue to my Countrey , and desire of reformation ) and leaue it to the correction of the wiser . The money which is most superfluously bestowed in apparrell in this little Iland , is thought able to maintaine a Nauy to command the sea-forces of all our neighbours bordering on the narrow seas , of Spain , & of the Pirats , & all others in the mediterranean sea . How far they further may shew their force in the sea leading to Constantinople , I will not take vpon me to iudge . Yet one other effect these Peacockes feathers ( in this guilded , not golden age ) worketh : The most part of the Gentry of this kingdome , are so farre in the Vsurers bookes , by their ouerreaching heads to climb to greatnesse , and they and their wiues to exceed their neighbours in brauery and place , that they liue in continuall care , and like fishes in nets , the more they striue to get out , the faster they hang. I could bring manie sentences of the wise & learned against these vaine , peeuish , childish , thriftlesse , and painted fooles , as I did against drunkards ; but I will only tell you an old tale , and so conclude this part . A Kinght named Young , a man of an excellent mother wit , verie pleasant , and full of delightfull and merry speech , was commended to our late Soueraign , Queen Elizabeth , who caused him to be brought to her , tooke great pleasure to talke with him , and amongst other things she asked him how he liked a company of braue Ladies that were in her presence ? He answered , as I like my siluer haired conies at home ; the cases are farre better than the bodies . These our named Gallants are well compared to such conies , and are deceiued much , to thinke they better their reputation by their brauery : for many , euen ordinary Tailors in London , are in their Silkes , Sattins , & Veluets , as well as they : And in Italy euery base ordinary black-smith doth exceed on the Sabbath day and other holy daies , or equall the brauest of them . I wish them therefore to compare the sweet Country with the vnsauoury London , wherein they are most resident , which is the cause of great expence , in brauery , in gaming , drinking , resorting to plaies , brothell houses , and many other great follies : and I dare say , they shall finde more true pleasure in one yeare , liuing like their fore-fathers in the Countrey , than in twenty liuing in London .

Touching suits in Law .

HErein I must beare an euen hand , and speake nothing that shall giue iust cause of offence ; yet verit as non culpanda .

In our law proceedings , I finde ( in my simple iudgement , euer subiect to the correction of the wiser ) sundry inconueniences . The first is , that although they haue in their law a Maxime , De minimis non curat lex , yet they admit euery trifling action for gaine ; euen of such poore clients also , as haue scarcely bread to giue their children : wherein oftentimes is more spent , than thrice the value of that they striue for .

I heard of two men , who fell at variance about an hiue of bees , and went to law , vntill he that had spent least , had spent 500. li.

I heard also of two brethren , who contended in Chancery for a chaine of gold worth 60. li. The elder ( being Executor ) kept the chaine ; the yonguer had proofe , that his father said often in his life time , that the chaine should be his : The suit proceeded , vntill they had spent aboue an 100. li. And on a day being both at the Chancerie barre , they touched one another ; and the elder brother desired to speak with the yonguer , and said , Brother , you see how these men feed on vs , and wee are as neere an end of our cause , as when wee first began : come and dine with mee , and I will giue you the one halfe of the chaine , and keep the other , and so end this endlesse cause . And I pray you let vs both make much of this wit so dearly bought . Thus was this cause ended .

There was a Widow and a Gentleman that contended for a seate in the Church , at the ciuill Law ; and this Gentleman talking of his suit for his seate , protested that it had cost him so great a summe , as that ( for the credit of these Courts ) I am loth to name . One wondering thereat , hee said , it was most true ; and said further , They haue spun mee at length like a twine thread : and named the number of Courts he had beene twisted in , and the strange number of chargeable commissions which passed between them . Thus you see the old saying true ; If you goe to law for a nut , the Lawyers will cracke it , giue each of you halfe the shell , and chop vp the kernell themselues .

There is a thing which long since happened in France , very memorable , touching the endlesse causes in the ciuill law . A stranger hauing sold great store of Marchandise there , and not paied , entred suit against his debtors , wherein he spent more than his debts came vnto : and thereupon greatly perplexed , especially seeing no likelihood of an end of his suits or obtaining his debts ; hee went to the King , and said , I haue a great complaint against one in your kingdome , and I humbly desire you to heare mee patiently : The King said , tell me against whom , I will very patiently and willingly heare thee . My Lord ( said he ) it is against your selfe : Against me , said the King , how so ? whatsoeuer it be , speake it freely , and feare nothing : Whereupon the Merchant told him , that he did suffer most intolerable , costly , and tedious courses in the proceedings of Law in his kingdome ( which is there onely the ciuill Law ) and such as I thinke , will neuer haue end as long as the Clients haue money to giue the Lawyers ; and told him withall , of all his proceedings . Well , said the wise King , I will first see thee fully satisfied , and then reforme this foule abuse : And presently thereupon did take such excellent order for the quicke and iust end of causes , that his subiects did name him , Pater patriae ; and he was so admired , and so heartily loued of them , as ( I thinke ) neuer King was before or since .

I could speake further of two citizens of London , who fell out for the kicking of a dog , and went so long to law , vntill their bookes could not bee contained in two bufhell bagges . This cause thus standing without shew of end , our late gracious Soueraigne Queene Elizabeth caused to be arbitrated . I could speak of many more like vain and trifling suits , which , as little springs , first creepe out at the foot of an hill , and by long running grow to be great riuers : but these shall suffice , Quia in infinitis instare , infinitum .

I haue heard a very laudable order in Spaine : There are appointed certain men called Iusticers , which are dispersed ouer the whole kingdome ; euery one limited to certaine Parishes , in which he hath authority to heare complaints of misdemeanours , and trifling quarrels , and to punish offenders , eyther by fine ( whereof he hath part , & the King the rest ) or corporall punishment , as hee seeth good ; and to end also causes for trifling debts , and other matters ( being of no great moment ) whatsoeuer , without suit : Wheras in England there are an infinite number of suits tolerated for words , for the least blow , for cattell breaking into ground , for trifling debts , and such like : so that if one haue but x.s. owing him , nay , v.s. or lesse , he cannot haue it but by suit in law , in some petty Court , where it will cost 30. or 40. s. charge of suit . But to end this Chapter , I could wish that our Iustices by commission , were authorised to sit in seuerall parts , to which they dwell neerest , and before any suit bee brought , the plaintife should shew his cause of complaint , and thereupon if it were for title of much land , or matter of great moment , he should be suffered to proceed in law ; but if otherwise , they should determine it themselues , or referre it to others , as ( the persons and causes considered ) they thought good , and likewise to punish misdemeanours : which would breed great peace in this land , and preuent the vtter vndoing of many .

A second inconuenience .

THis is the multiplicity of Atturnies at the common Law of Chancery , vnder-clerks , and many petty-foggers , dwelling and dispersed ouer all this kingdome , which may well be compared to such as stand with quaile-pipes , euer calling the poore silly bird into the net .

I heard it credibly reported , that few yeares since , there were not aboue two or three Atturnies in the I le of Wight , and not many more causes or suits in law ; but now there is ( said the reporter ) at the least 60. and many more suits in law . The reason he added , was this ; If any be angry with his neighbour , he hath one of these ready and neer at hand , to whom hee openeth his griefe : who is also as ready , presently to set him on for his owne gaine ; telling him his cause is cleere , and he shall neuer wag his foote , but hee will doe all for him , and fetch his aduersary about well enough . On the contrary , the other hath one as ready to tell him , how well hee will defend his cause . So these two enter combat , and when both are weary , then neighbours end the cause : and to that end ( for the most part ) come all suits of England . How much better then were it , at the first to commit causes to neighbours ? for no causes seldome haue so good end by law , as by neighbours : Iniquissima pax , iustissimo bello anteferenda .

The third is motions made in the Courts , especially in the Chancery .

THere are some Councellors , who will in their motions report whatsoeuer their client telleth them , be it true or false ; and these are well said to haue voces venales , that is , to bee such as that for mony you may haue them tell what tale you will . These also abuse the Courts , and cause diuers Orders to bee made by their false suggestions , which make suits very tedious , and more costly : Insomuch that about Orders onely , there is oftentimes more money and time spent , than ought to bee about the whole substance of the cause .

The fourth .

THis is the great fees which Councellors take , whereby the clients are much impouerished : For they ( not looking into their consciences , what they deserue , or how hardly their client ( perhaps poore ) may spare it ) take all that comes , and are like gulfes without bottome , neuer full . And further , if you haue a day of triall , or hearing , and see your Councellor , although he be absent and doe you no good , yet he swalloweth your fee as good booty . There is a remedy by law for excessiue fees ( as I haue heard ) but it taketh no good effect .

The fift .

THis is making long bills in the English Courts , full of matter impertinent , from the fulnesse of their malice , to put the defendant to greater charge . These men are often in like sort requited , and beaten with their owne rods : wherefore I compare them to one that will put out one of his owne eies , to doe his enemy the like harme : I wish that such a man may pay well for his folly to his enemy .

The sixt .

THis is especially in the English Courts also , where the vnder-clerkes with their large margents , with their great distance betweene their lines , with protraction of words , and with their many dashes and slashes put in places of words , lay their greedinesse open to the whole world : and I haue heard many say , that they are as men voide of all conscience , not caring how they get mony , so they haue it ; and that with as good a conscience they may take a purse by the high way , but not with so little danger , and that is all the difference . I did see an answer to a bill of 40. of their sheetes , which coppied out , was brought to 6. sheetes , in which coppy there was very sufficient margent left , and good difference between the lines . Hereby euery man may see how infinitely by the abuse of petty-clerks , ( the Court of Chancery swelling , & ready to burst with causes , the Star-chamber and the rest ) the whole kingdome is robbed as it were : For that coppy which should haue cost but 4. s. cost 4. nobles . There was one presented our late worthy Lady and Queen , Elizabeth , with a peece of paper no bigger than a penny , whereon was written the Pater noster , the Creed , and a praier for her . Now I wish that all such Clerkes should be apprentices awhile to such a Scribe ; for so falling from one extreame to another , they may bee brought to a meane : But as for the higher Clerkes and officers , they would faine haue this foule and vnconscionable fault amended , because it maketh nothing for their profit .

The seuenth .

THis last that I will speake of , but not the last , yet least by many , is touching Interrogatories and examinations of witnesses . There are many that set downe vaine and friuolous Interrogatories , nothing at all to the matter in question , and thereupon cause many to bee examined , whose testimony maketh nothing to any purpose , neither is euer read or heard , but onely causeth long , tedious , needlesse , and costly books , to the grieuance & excessiue charge of the subiect . Thus haue I ( as it were ) onely nominated seuen inconueniences , to perswade men to peace , and to end at home such quarrells as arise , without great vexation of mind , without great trouble of bodie , in riding , and running , and without excessiue expences . All which , together with neglect of all businesse , doe necessarily follow suits and controuersies in Law : Ictus piscator dixit . As for many others which are greater , and whereof the last Parliament began to speak , with intent to reform the same , I will say nothing . But these seuen motes I desire to bee picked out of their long gownes .

So haue I briefly ( without our new borne inke-pot termes ) deliuered to the view of the world , my Paradox and exposition thereof , with hope to perswade some of the wiser sort to auoid drunkennesse , excesse in apparrell , and controuersies in law , with matters subsequent ; which are three of the most common , costly , and offensiue euils now raigning : That by their example , others may learne to liue a ciuill , plaine , quiet , and contented life , whereby seeming poore , they shall be rich ; whereas others bestowing much in feasting and drunkennesse , brauing it out with a glorious outside only , and painted apparell , liuing in controuersie , and sparing no large fees , or great bribes to ouercome their aduersaries , seeme only to be rich , but are indeed very beggarly . Wherefore I conclude as I begun , Our Fathers were rich with little , and we beggars with much : For wee vse our much ill , and they vsed their little well .