A Fellowe passing through S. Pauls Church-yard , & seeing so many great free stones lie there ready squar'd out , said to one that was with him , I would I had these stones at home in my yard ; why , what would you doe with them , said the other ? Marry said he , I would build me a brick wall with them round about my house .

One being demanded the definition of a Bull , hee answered that a Bull was an Oxe with two stones .

A great traveller swore that in the deserts of Arabia he had seene a Unicorne with two hornes .

One being at the fall of a very fat gelt Deere , was asked by one ( who was no huntsman , and desired to be enformed ) how he cal'd that Deere ; to whom hee answer'd that it was a barren Buck.

One whose usual protestation was wont to be as I live , being asked how hee did , answered , dead as I live .

A Preacher at a funerall Sermon lamenting the shortnesse of mans life , told the people that there were many beasts outlived a man , for example , the Raven , the Hart , and the Oake , dearly Beloved .

A fellow at dinner demanded of one at the Table , what part of the Bullock a Clod of Beefe was , the other laughing at his ignorance , told him it was the shoulder-bone of the flanke .

One seeing a Peare-tree very full , wondered what the owner could doe with all those Peares ; why said another to him , he sels them to the Bakers to make penny apple pies of them .

A fellow that was robb'd , said the theeves had stollen all his linnen except onely one brasse pot .

One speaking at a feast of the bravery of the great Turke then reigning : another standing by desired to know what was the great Turkes christen name .

Many dining together at an Ordinary , after dinner was done , one ask't another if he would play a rubber or two at Bowles , ( marry will I ) quoth he , if you wil play a peece Rubbers ; No , answered the other , I never play above two shillings , before ( repli'd he ) I will play for two shillings , I will sit downe and walke horses .

Discourse arising at the table , of those creatures to which Nature had allotted the longest life , one pleaded for the longevitie of one creature , another of another ; and one amongst the rest swore hee knew that of all things in the world an Eele lived longest after it was dead .

One comming before a Judge to be tri'd for his life , and being found guilty pleaded hard for himselfe ; but his fact being notorious he could by no meanes obtaine any favour ; whereupon he burst out into immoderate weeping , and with bended knees , and hands lift up besought the Judge that he would grant him life for his wives sake , and his fatherlesse children .

One relating to certaine friends of his where hee had supt the night before , and how hard he & the company dranke ; said , I never tippl'd so hard in my life , and a great while I bore my drinke well , but at the length finding I was so fox'd that I could not stand ▪ I tooke my cloake , & ran home as hard as I could drive .

One telling another how healthfull a thing it was to live in a good aire , and on the contrary , how unwholesome to live in a bad , The other thus repli'd , what you say I know to be true ; for I my selfe dwelt in the Fenny Countrey ; where if I had liv'd till this time I had beene dead seaven yeeres agoe .

One discoursing of the succession of Popes , what brave worthy men some of them had beene , and what villains others had prov'd themselves : but for the Pope then living , how good , and wise a man he was ; a subtle stander by put this question , I pray you my Masters , ( quoth hee , ) if this Pope die without a sonne , who shall be Pope next ?

Many sitting together at dinner , one of them complain'd of the scarcitie of money ; how that heretofore hee could have taken up an hundred pounds upon his bare word ; that now if he were to be hang'd he knew not where to borrow five pounds ; one of the company said hee thanked God that for his part he need not complaine ; for quoth he , I have of late met with an honest Scrivener that will lend me at any time twenty pounds upon my own Bond without Scrip or Scrowle .

Divers swimming together in the Thames , at length all went out save one , who stai'd very long after the rest ; wherenpon one of his fellowes cal'd to him to make hast out , in that it was late , I pray thee , said he , stay but a litle , I will but untrusse a point in the water , and come presently .

Two playing together for a Peece , he that won finding the others Peece to bee so wash't that the image was almost quite defaced , refused to take it ; whereupon the other referr'd it to the judgement of the standers by , whether it were good , I or no , The rest refusing to judge it , as not knowing what it was , by reason it was so defective ; one undertook to judg it , and swore he knew it to be an Elizabeth Jacobus .

One being at Bowles in the afternoone upon a Sun-shine day , and bowling very ill , swore in excuse of himselfe , that the light of the Sunnes shade did so dazle his eyes that he could not see the Mistresse .

One in a great assembly praising the situation of London , said it was defended from the rage of the North by hils , that to the South it had a pleasant river , that to the East & West it had beautifull plains : to which another repli'd , that indeed no exception lay against it but one ; for said he , if it stood in the Countrey it were the finest Citie in Christendome .

A Citizen and a Gentleman made a match to runne their Grayhounds at a Hare for a wager , and when they came into the field , the Citizens Dogge beat the other ; whereat hee much rejoycing said to the Gentleman , How doe you like the running of my Dogge , to which the Gentleman answered very wel , but withall quoth he to the Citizen , did you ever see a better Hare run ; faith said the Citizen , I must confesse she ran well for a countrey Hare .

A Lord walking in a Church where all his ancestors were buried , an old servant of his then present said , O my Lord , what worthy men these were , I sweare if I live I will be buried close by them .

Two plai'd a game at Noddy for halfe a Crowne , and hee that won finding the other had stak'd but two shillings , told him hee had stak'd short , to which the other repli'd , I find where your mistake lieth , for you perceive not that one of the testers I staked is a shilling .

Two playing at Tick-tack for money , hee that lost desired they might play a while for nothing , to which the other assenting ; he that before had lost so many games , now won more ; whereupon hee said to the other , when wee play for money you alwayes beat mee , but if you le play for nothing , i le play with you for a hundred pounds .

A Gentleman being drown'd in Oxford , his Tutor sent a messenger for his Father ( who dwelt a hundred miles off ) to come to the funerall of his only Son . The messenger ariving at his Fathers house , found that hee was dead also ; whereupon hee returned in all hast back , and when he came to Oxford , said to the Tutor ; Sir , the Son may now , if he will go , to his fathers Funerall ; for he is dead also .

A singing man who alwaies bore the base , being merry on a time with the rest of the quire made this Challenge . Wee are sixe Bases onely in this Quire , and we sixe will play at any exercise with any other sixe that sing the same part in the same Quire for ten pounds of my purse .

One relating to another the death of one whom hee loved most dearely , hee thus in a very great passion answered , It cannot be that hee is dead ; for had hee beene dead , I know he would have sent me word .

A purblind fellow in a misty day passing Pauls chaine ran against one of the posts , and taking it for a man said , I cry you merry Sir , and presently running against the other , said , I cry you mercy againe Sir , truly I thinke you and I shall meet in Heaven .

A Captaine in the Low-Countreys being in the company of one , who was a very goodly and a properman demanded his name , and learning that he was named Bird ; hee said , this is not that Bird whom Taverner kil'd , is it ?

A Merchant hearing on the Exchange that Marshall Byron was beheaded for Treason in France asked the relator if hee lost his head before his death , or after .

A Doctor & Captaine Norris walked from London to Greenwitch , Where when they ariv'd the Doctor being weary , sayd , I had not thought it had beene so farre from London to Greenwitch as it is , why ( said Captain Noris seriously , and bound it with a great oath ) no more it is not .

One having dined in an Ordinary , seeking round about for his Cloake at length found a Gamster sitting upon it , whereat hee being much offended , said , What Sir , doe you make a Canopy of my Cloake ; I pray you Sir , sit up , and give it me .

One relating to others a mischance had befallen him ; said as hee rode over a Bridge his horse skew'd , and fell with him off from the Bridge , and that by some neare at hand hee was tataken up as dead as any man living .

One passing by a Polterers shop , and seeing an exceeding fat Swan lying on the stall , said to his companion , I would that Swan were mine , why said the other , what would you doe with it if it were , Marry , repli'd hee , I would make me a Goose Pie of it .

One comming by chance into a very merry company , said , Gentlemen I thinke you are merry in sober sadnesse .

One reporting that ●elton had kil'd the Duke , another standing by said , There was never such a cruell blow given , for he cut two of his ribs , and his Magna Charta quite in two , He would have said , Vena Cava .

One reporting what a huge great storme rose the night before , said , it shooke the whole house as I would shake this pillar .

A hireling Player demanded an augmentation of his meanes from the Company , and received a deniall ; whereat being much offended he said , I protest if you mend not my wages you shal see me in Ireland within these two dayes .

A Player being asked how hee got his living all the sicknesse time , answered , I taught 〈◊〉 Dancing Schoole .

Two Serving-men failling out about the dignitie of their Masters , one told the other his Master was a Knight ; O but , replied the other , my Master is a Knight and a halfe , for he 's a Barronet .

A Gentleman having a faire ▪ but an old house , one perswaded him to pull it downe , and build it up againe , to whom he said ; what my Masters , will you perswade me to pull down a house that hath stood in my great Grandfathers time , and in my Grandfathers ; nay , and ( as I take it ) in my Fathers ?

A knavish fellow who had a naturall foole to his Master , and of great ranke , apparell'd himselfe in all things like a Spaniard , and came to him and presented him with the King of Spaines commends . Whereat his Master being right joyfull askt him how the King of Spaine did , and how long it was since his arrivall , to which he answered a moneth ; what , said his Master , and can you speake no English yet ? no indeed , repli'd the other ; whereas indeed they had spoken English all the while .

A foolish fellow making lamentable faces as if hee were in great paine , one askt him what he ail'd ; O , answered he , I have such a paine in my thigh , that I cannot lift my hand to my head .

A blind Minister comming to speake with a Gentleman , his man came and told him , that the old blind Minister was come to see him .

Two fellowes bragging what houses their Masters kept that Christmas , one of them said , my Master kil 's every day an Ox ; Tush , said the other , my Master kil 's every day an Ox and a halfe .

One brought a Butcher before a Justice , and accused him for killing a Cow that died of her selfe , and selling her flesh in the Market .

One reporting not without indignation an affront hee had receved that day from a very Goose , another in his company said ; O , I know what Goose yon meane , in my conscience you meane a Goose with two legs .

A Citizens wife being in the Countrey , and seeing a Goose that had many Goslings ; how is it possible , said she , that one Goose should suckle so many Goslings .

One accused another before a Justice for stealing Peares off from his Plum-tree .

A fellow having a great kibe on his heele , swore it was as big ●s an ulcer , & as sore as a walnut .

Amongst the Quaere's sent to the Prince De La'moar one is , whether or no the Queene of Sheba ; were she now living , would goe as farre to heare his Highnesse say nothing , as to heare Salomon speake wisely ?

A fellow in way of derision said of another that hee looked like King John amongst tho Apostles .

One askt another whether , or no hee had ever read Venus and Diogenes .

Another askt his companion whether , or no he had ever read Nero , and Leander .

One falling from his horse , and pitching on his head ran amongst a great assembly of his acquaintance , and swore his neck was broken .

One saying that hee was taking a journey to Oxford , a friend of his demanded whether he rid or no , to whom hee repli'd that hee went a foot in a Waggon .

Discourse arising at Table of the miseries of this world , one amongst the rest said , I have so many 〈…〉 that I would 〈…〉 of this life , or out 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 world 〈…〉 whether .

One telling his companions the danger a sonne of his escaped that day , made the relation of the hazard . My boy , said he , being but three yeeres old , and playing in the street fell down , and was not able to rise ; A Scavinger p●●●●ng that way wi●h his Cart , and not seeing the Child , drave directly upon him , and the first Horse of the 〈…〉 his feet , without touching him , and so did the second ; but the third had his foot up just over his head in all likelihood ready to dash out his braines , but the tender beast ( as if a man had said to him , Horse hold thy hand ) held his foot a long time up , in so much one who passed by , and seeing the danger the Child was in , took him up , & brought him home .

A Player having in his part , All honour to this high imperiall presence , said thus , All honour to this high infernall presence .

One bra●●ging what 〈◊〉 sute he had , and another standing by , askt him where it was , he answered , In my head .

One threatning another absent , meaning to say that where ere hee met him hee would kill him , though hee found him pissing against a wall , swore hastily that where ere hee met him , he would run him through a wall pissing .

One calling another sonne of a whore , a stander by rebukt him for so saying ; for said hee , you know his mother to bee an honest woman . It is true , repli'd the other , I know his mother to bee an honest woman , but he is the sonne of a whore .

One manning his Dogge at the Beare-garden , and falling into a quarrell with the Butchers , had his head broken in divers places , and comming home , pray'd his wife to looke carefully to him ; for said he , I have twenty broken heads .

One putting this qnestion to another , when shall we have a merry night ? Marry , repli'd the other , of all the nights in the yeere , let it be on May day in the morning .

A Butcher swore that his Dog fought with a Beare single foure houres to one .

One praying another to lend him a groat , he answer'd , he had but one about him , and that was a single three-pence .

A fellow having a very neat beard , would needs have it cut off ; for , said hee , it is nothing but haire .

One being askt if hee knew such a man , yes , repli'd hee , I know him by sight , though I never yet saw him .

One disclaiming anothers acqaintaince , swore he knew him no more then a begger doe's his dish .

One being in the water prayed another to come in also , to which he said , I protest I can swimme no more then a dogge , and being entreated the second time , he said , I vow I can swim no more then a post , and being more earnestly the third time , will'd to come in , he vehemently swore he could swimme no more then a Goose .

One in a great kindnesse told another hee did indite him to break his fast with him at supper .

A Case being argued before a Judge , a Lawyer with great earnestnes affirmed that his Clients right was as clear as a Candle by day-light .

Two laid a wager how farre it was to such a place , the one said it was ten miles distant , the other that it was above ; for I am sure , said he , it was ten miles twenty yeeres agoe , and no doubt but miles , as all other things , have their encrease .

One complaining of the folly of the age , swore men were farre wiser in the future times then now .

One speaking of a strange Bird called a Phenicopter , another standing by , said hee had read all the Treatises of foure-footed beasts , yet never read of such a Bird.

In the great roome one paire of staires high , at the St. Iohns head within Ludgate in a painted cloth is the picture of Jacobs Ladder , and the Angels on it passing up and downe , and underneath is written ; Here are Jacobs Angels ascending , and descending up to Heaven .

One being pray'd to s●t down to dinner said , I thanke you for your kind invitation , but I can eat nothing ; for I have had a long time no more stomack then a horse .

One earnestly desired mee , to tell him whether Shrove-tuesday fell out this yeere , on the Saterday or no , and how many there was in the yeere .

Another asked one what Sir Timothy Thornhil ; his Christian name was ; another answered he had almost forgot , but certaine hee was t was , George or Thoma● .

An other was saying all kind of Fowle were two leg'd , to whom another standing by repli'd I , but a Pig hath foure .

A fellow looking in a Lattin Booke , was ask'd by a friend ( that overlook'd him ) whether he could read it or no , to whom he repli'd , yes indifferently , but 't is the brokenst English that ere I saw .

One comming to a Gentleman Prisoner in the Castle , in Oxford ; he began to him in this complement , how doe you Sir , are you within , I rejoyce to set you ; I am in some hast , but pray stay here sir till I come againe , and i le beare you company an houre or two .

A fellow hearing one cry Sandwitch Carrets , ran to him and desired to see them ; which being shewed to him , you cheating rougue ( quoth he ) are these Sandwich Carrets , I indeed are they Sandwich Carrets ( said the other ) to whom he repli'd they may bee Sandwich Carrets , but they were sowne and reapt in London .

A fellow bragging of his knowledge in Musick , swore he would play exempore with all the Musitians in London and Christendome .

A fellow having a broken groat in his pocket , comming to a Goldsmiths shop in Cheapside desired the prentice no give him a little peece of silver as bigg as an hazell Nut to zoder it againe ; when you come into our countrey i le give you a peece of lead shall bee twice as bigge .

A couple of shopkeepers in the Exchange , seeing Lords , Knights and Gentlem●● ( which they knew ) 〈…〉 into disputation which was the handsomest Gentleman in that company ( quoth the one ) me thinks that 's the handsomest Gentleman ( pointing to a Lord ) which caused the other to laugh at him ; why laugh you quoth the other ; why ( repli'd he ) hee is a Lord , I said the handsomest Gentleman .

Two Gentlemen walking in a Medow , one shewing the other a fat Bull grazing there , said to the other , will not that Bull have a brave paire of Cow heeles when he is kil'd .

A fellow having received some abuse from his companion , swore next time hee met him he would make him eat his Dagger to a Sword .

A fellow feeing his friend playing with his wife , swore they shewed like the two Germains .

A friend of mine ask'd mee once in what place of England ▪ Ireland stood , and was answer'd by another , in Wales .

One told mee , reading the workes of a Philosopher : Either Publius Virgilius , or Maro found such a Problem as hee would not now be ignorant of for an hundred peeces .

A fellow speaking in praise of his Painter , said he drew his wives picture so lively , hee did not leave undone so much as an Eye or an Nose .

A man reproving his neighbour with the ungraciousnesse of his children , swore he would bring up his child to the gallowes , ere hee would suffer him to be a thiefe .

One jeerd a young Saylor , and said that he was but a fresh water Sea-man .

A Vintner shewing his Sellar to a Gentleman , said ( looke you ) all these emptie vessels are full of Wine , and yet I cannot please my guests .

One being sicke of a Consumption , being ask'd by a friend how he did , answered , I thanke God I am heart whole , but I am troubled a little with a Hectick Fever . [ A Hectick Fever is either in the Spirits , or substance of the heart . ]

A subtle Disputant said sense was divided into two parts , sense , and non-sense .

A formall grave fellow said he was of opinion that Melancholy was nothing else but a kind of sadnesse .

An Engeneere threatned to blow up a Citie gates with a Petar of inundation .

One having lost his hat , said I am so forgetfull that in my conscience I should loose my britch , did I carry it about me .

A Sea-man describing the manner of his Captaines going aboord , said ; No sooner had my Captaine set one foot aboord the shore , the other in the shippe .

One newly married being discover'd by another to walke discontented , said , This fellow now hee is married walkes up and downe like an Image .

One seeing another offer in way of jest to strike at him with a Clubbe , said , take heed lest you hurt mee , t is ill jesting with edge tooles .

A foolish fellow was angry with his wife for bringing home a shoulder of Mutton without the Rumpe .

One being upon Dover Castle , said hee , could discover in Calis by his prospective the signe of Saint Denis of England , and Saint George of France .

A Gentleman said , I stay'd but a litle while by a fish-pond , and leape sayes one fish , leape sayes another .

Two comming through a field where formes of men are cut in Ewe , the one demanded what such an Image was ; why , quoth the other it is Cain , & the other demanding why Abel was not there also : marry , repli'd his companion , because he kil'd his brother .

One said he rod his horse till he had never a dry thred .

A blind man was taking Tobacco , but could not find the candle to light it ; whereupon sayes he , pray neighbor put out the candle that I may see how to light my Tobacco .

A Countrey fellow being askt how old his horse was , why sayes he . He 's but a yong horse considering his age .

A Seaman that was to bee hir'd , being askt what he could doe . Sir sayes hee , I doe not love idlenesse , but whither I doe any thing or not , I love to be working .

A Traveller on the way askt one how farre it was to the next Towne . It is foure miles sayes he straight forward , but the nearest way is to goe about by the Mill , for that will bring you cleane out of your way .

A maid being askt how long shee had kept her maidenhead , why sayes shee ? ever since my sister was married , and yet I scorne but to be as good a maid as she , though shee bee married before me .

One askt one how he lik'd a cup of Wine which they were tasting . Marry sayes he I never tasted Wine that lik'd mee so well , but I have dranke better in France .

An old man was commending the dayes of old ; wel sayes he , there was more mirth one Holliday , then there is now in a hundred .

An old man being desired to come to banquet : Alas sayes he , I have no teeth to eat sweet meats , if it were a hard crust I could eat it .

One being advised to goe to Sea , because he was in debt : no sayes hee , I had rather goe by land all over the world , for a man need not feare drowning by land .