Of an Vsurer , and a debauch'd gallant .

A Penurious Fellow , who lived altogether upon Usury , pinching both backe and belly to serve himselfe , and enrich others , came into an house where Pudding-pyes , and such like commodities were to bee sold , and to make a saving Dinner , call'd for a Can of six-shillings Beere , and a Pudding-pye , ( for by that his good Husbandry he intended to save Bread ) a young Gallant without money , and yet not wanting a good stomacke , comming into the house , and observing him to sit in one of the common roomes , saluted him , and asked him how he did ? His answer to him againe was , Very well , I thanke you Sir , but indeed I know you not : the Gentleman reply'd u●to him , therefore Sir , I am desirous to drinke unto you , upon our better acquaintance , and withall ●ooke up the Canne of Beere which then stood ●efore him , and dranke it ●uper naculum ; which the other observing , look't ●omething blankely upon ●im , and desired him to ●ell him his Name , which ●he young man did : to ●hom he reply'd , and said , ●our Name I very well ●emember ; for one so cal●ed , once cheated me of a ●ood Guelding , for which 〈◊〉 could have hanged him : ●ow saith the Gallant●●id●t thou know that Gentleman ? I can assure thee , hee was of mine acquaintance , and cared no more for the stealing of an horse , than I doe for the eating of this Pudding-pye , which said , he ●●a●cht 〈◊〉 up , ●ate it , and ●eft the Usurer ( hungry as he was ) to pay for his breake-fast .

Of a Puritane and his friend eating of a Pudding .

A Puritan and his friend coming to a victualling house to breake their Fast● concluded betwixt themselves to have a black● Pudding , which was accordingly provided , an● brought with Bread and Beere , to accomade it up to the Table smoaking : which as soone as the Puritane saw , he clapt his Hat before his face , and lifting up his eyes , began ( as their custome is ) a very long and tedious Grace , praying against black sins , blew sianes , red , greene , yellow , tawny , and indeed , all kind of coloured sinnes ; but in the interim , whilst he was at his prayer , the other had eate up the Breake-fast : who , after he had uncovered his eyes , and seeing what was done , looking somewhat heavily and hungerly upon the businesse , demanded of his friend , why hee had tooke that advantage , to serve him so an ●n neighbourly a tricke● who againe , made him this short Answer , Truely I ho●d it fitting , that from henceforth you either provide your selfe of a shorter Grace , or of a longer Pudding .

Of a great Statesman , and a Cardinall .

A ●reat man , ( and though it be not common ) yet witty withall , travelling into the Countrey , in his second dayes journey came to a thicke and shadowy Wood , or Forrest , to which the entrance was something narrow , and being about some Italian League , ( which is an English Mile in length ) he wondred , that being in so ●erene and cleare a day , that all that time hee was shadowed from the sight of the Sunne : But his journey being over , and some tenne yeeres after riding the same way , when hee came to the same place which he had before so seriously observed , and missing all those goodly trees , hee called to his Caroch-man , and some of his servants , and told them , that doubtlesse they were out of their way : but they affirming the contrary , and asking his Lordship what should be the reason of his errour , marry saith hee , because , when I came this way last , I saw a goodly and brave Forrest , with many Trees growing here , and now I spye not one : To whom one of his Gentlemen reply'd , that true it was , but since the Cardinall or Bishop had cut them all downe , and having occasion to use money , had sold them for Timber : who answered him againe , it could be no other than a Church-mans worke , I acknowledge him for a great scholler ; for this was a darke place , and hee hath now explained it .

Of a Grasier and a young Scholler .

A Rich Grasier drivi●g two faire and fat Oxen before him towards t●e market , ledde his horse downe an hill ; ( as hauing for his better ease alighted ) at the foote of which he met with a yong Scholler , who exp●est his poverty in his thinne and thred-bare habite , who desired of him some small peece of money to relieve him in that his present necessity : The Grasier , whose name was Gualter , casting a commiserating eye upon him , and having beene in his youth a pretty Grammar scholler , thought to prove him whether hee were a counterfeit or no , told him , that before he should taste any fruites of his Charity , h●e would make try all of his learning , which the poore Scholler desired him to doe : Then , saith Gualter , I will begin a Latine verse , which if thou ca●●t , instantly and without pause , make a perfect and true Hexameter , or Heroyicke verse , I will give thee this yoake of Oxen , which ●hou seest I drive before me , to make thy best of them : To which the yong man willingly assented , as being wondrous glad of the motion : When the Grasier putting his foote into the stirrop to get upon his horse , said , thus then I beginne my verse : Nunc scandit Gualter ; to whom ●he young ladde suddenly ●eplyed , Meus est Bos unus & alter : Which speedy ●nd witty answer , when ●he Grasier heard , hee put●ing his hand into his ●ouch drew out a French Crowne , and cast it unto ●im , and said , gramer●● Scholler , drinke that for my sake , which I freely give thee to release mee of my bargaine .

Of one Parkins a boone Companion in Essex who dyed of the rising of the Lights . POore Parkins , now percust here lie● , Light hearted , till his Lights did rise . Lights of the Body , are the Bellowes , And hee , one of the best goo● fellowes That Essex yeelded , ( all we● kn●w ) And breath'd , till they did cease to blow .

Of a rich Batchelor , who by no meanes could be perswaded to marry : and h●s Foole.

A Great rich man , and of a good family , who altogether aff●cted a single life , kept a foole , and made him as familiar with him , as if he had been his sole Mistris ; for hee seemed to take delight in no womans company at all : yet it so happened , that one of his servants ( whom he used to imploy in the like offices ) had conveighed a pretty woman privately into his Chamber● and so closely , that none of his family took the least notice thereof , these two lay very lovingly together , and being in the Summertime , and the weather hot , tossing the clothes very carelesly , fell fast asleepe towards the morning : when the Foole ( as his custome was ) comming towards his masters chamber to give him an earely visit , and finding the doore left onely by a negligent la●ch , hee entred , and casting his eyes towards the lower end of the bed , spied foure bare legs , at which being amazed , and not looking so high as up to the pillowes , hee ranne downe hastily , and cald all the people of the house together , and told them , hee would shew them such a wonder as their eyes had never beheld til then : they de●irous to understand the novelty , grew very importunate to know what it was ; who replyed , mary I will tell you , my Master and yours , whom we all saw goe towards bed but with two legs , hath since yesternight got foure legs , and withal bid them go up and see . They not suspecting any thing , ( in regard they knew him to be a Batcheler ) followed him vp close into the Roome to bee spectators of the prodegy ; to whom the Foole said , looke you here , ( my Masters● ) and see if I lye● who well perceiving what the businesse was , went downe blushing , and some of them whispering amongst themselves , in regard the ●oore was left so carelesly● said , they knew not w●ich was the greater Foole , the Ideot , or their Master .

Of an House that should f●ll .

ONe comming with a very pleasant countenance into the company where his friends were merrily drinking , one of them said unto him , you are very welcome , and the rather , because you looke so cheerefully upon us : who again replyed ; marry I thank God , & I have re●son ; why what is the news ●aith he : the other answered againe ; I married an Orphan , and came but now from the Court of Aldermen , and they haue promised me the next ho●se that falls : O but said another ; if your case were mine , I had rather they had promised to mee the next unto it that stands .

Of Water-mens Hall .

ONe would not beleeve that the society of the Water-men had any Hal ; to whom another who was friend unto him replyed , Truely Sir they have , and the better to resolve you , I went this day to Westminster in a paire of Oares , and the one of them told mee hee was this yeare chie●e Church-warden of the Company .

A mistake in the Sences .

TWo friends meeting in the streete , one demanded of the other from whence he came ? who replyed againe : From a place , where I have spent my time better than you have done in any other this two dayes : and where was that said hee ? marry saith hee in the Church , where I have beene to see a Sermon .

Another in the like kinde .

ANother coming from a place where a great Tumult and clamor had beene , being demanded by a friend of his , from whenc● hee then came ? whence said hee ? I protest from a place where I saw such a loud and horrible noyse , which hath so deafr me , that I am scarce able to heare what you now speake .

A Verse in Virgil thus construed . Silvestrem tenni Musam meditaris avena .

MEditaris , id est , Thou well remembrest● te●ui , that I once had , Musam ●ilvestrem , 〈◊〉 Countrey Wench , avena , upon an oaten s●eafe .

Another Verse as simply construed .

A Schoole-master in the Countrey , put one of his young Schollers new ●ntred into his Grammar , to construe this Ver●e : Est modus in rebus , sunt certi denique fines : And withal bid hi● to doe it suddenly : The Boy ta●es the Book● in his hand , and insta●tly made this Construction : Est m●dus in rebus , There is mudde in the Rivers , sunt certi denique fines , and certaine other little Fishes .

Of a Captaine , and his God●son●e .

A Captaine , who could neither write , nor read , amongst other of his Friends , came to give a visite to one of his Gossips , to whose childe hee had beene wit●esse , and found him to be a pretty Lad betwixt two and three yeere● of age , who , after he had made much of the chi●de , asked her , if she did not intend to bring him up to be a Scholler ? To whom she answered , O , yes by all meanes ; for sh●e kept him a● Schoole , and he tooke his Learning very pretily : at whi●h the Captaine seemed to bee much pleased , and so after some ●ind congra●ula●ions , parted ; hee promising within few daies to see her againe , which hee accordingly did , and brought with him a Friend o● his , one of his Fellow-souldiers : After salutation , ●alling into discourse , the Lad came from Schoole● upon which the Captaine tooke occa●ion to commend him to his friend , and tell him what a hopefull Scholler he was like to proove : Nay ( saith he ) to make my words good , come hither my prety child , and let me heare thee say thy Lesson which thou ha●t learn'd to day , and withall tooke him betwixt his legges , and with the Fescue pointed him to the Letters in his Horne-booke , and began thus , What Letter is this ? T , saith the Boy , and what Letter is this ? H saith he , and what Letter is this ? A saith the Child , and what this ? T saith the Lad , very good saith the Captaine ; and what spells THAT ? From saith the Boy : well spell'd my ●rave Lad said the Cap●aine ; if thou proov'st not 〈◊〉 Scholler indeed , I 'le not ●eleeve there is a Scholler ●n Christendome .

Of a Iakes-farmer working in the night .

CErtaine o● those people , whom for mode●ties sake , wee call Goldfinders , being empting of an house of office , and their Carts , with their stinking Tubs , blocking the Streets , some Gentlemen , not ●ble to endure the smell , and were to passe that way flung their cloaks over their faces , which one of them observing , said , If you would alwayes keepe your tayle● shut , you should not now have occasion to stop your noses .

Of two Women scolding .

TWo Women bitterly scolding , saith the one unto the other , thou lyest worse than a Whore , or a Theefe ; to whom the second reply'd , and thou lyest worse than hee that made the last Almanacke .

Of an ignorant Scholler .

A Yong Scholler , whom his father sent unto the University , before hee could construe good Latine , spending his houres more in his pleasure , than at his Booke , having wasted all his allowance before the Quarter-day , and being quite destitute both of money or credit , not knowing any other means to draw Coine out of his Fathers coffers , writ him a Letter under his owne hand , to certifie him that himselfe was dead , and desired him to send him up money to pay for his Funerall .

Of Bulls and Cowes .

ONE , whose House stood neare to the fi●lds , where Cattell were wont to graze , hearing some of them to clamour aloud a●ter their kind , before a s●orme , or a tempest , s●id ●●to his Neighbour , i●deed yo● scarce beleeve wh●●●omfort and pleasure I ●a●e i● the night , when I ●ee ●he Kine to lowe so loud , and the Bulls to bellow .

Of a young Deacon , the first time hee came into the Pulpit .

A Young Scholler having newly tooke Orders , thought the better to embolden himselfe to practise first amongst the Clownes in the Countrey , and had prepared himselfe to that purpose : and comming into a plaine Parish-Church , desired that hee might give them a Sermon , for which hee had not onely leave , but many thankes ; and comming into the Pulpit , having never beene in the like place before , seeing such a m●ltitude of Rusticks about him , he was so much abashed and daunted , ( his memory failing him ) that he could not proceed one word further ; when making a necessi●ous pau●e , and not k●owing how to com● off with credit , hee suddenly bethought himselfe , and s●uffling with his Nose , said , Dearely beloved br●theren , I would willingly proceed in my Sermon , but I smell such a strong sent of Fire , t●at indeed , it is ready to stifle me : which he had no sooner spoken , but every of them ( making it his owne case ) not knowing in whose House , or Barne it might happen , all of them ran tumultuously out of the Church to quench it ; which hee seeing , came quietly downe out of the Pulpit , and so by that meanes alone saved his credit .

A Word simply and ignorantly mistaken .

IT happened that an upper ground , whose foundation was seated upon Sand , either by the washing of the raine , or continuance of time the foundation grew so unstable , that the weight of the higher ●arth moved by degrees , & quite covered the lower ; which happened in a part of the County of Hereford , the strangenesse and novelty therof being related unto one that had bin an eye-witnes thereof , one that stood by , instantly replyed , sir , indeed you speak of a wonder , for in all my time , I never heard of such an Inundation of earth before .

Of a● mad fellow in the Countrey , who payed a Reckoning to his Hostesse with a Song .

A Pleasant , or rather a cheating fellow in the Countrey , willing to eate , and having at that time no money in his purse , came to a Victualling house , and asked his Hostesse , what she could provide for his Breakfast● who told him such , and such things , and named them all● who bad her provide what he found best agreeing with his stomacke ; which with all possible speede was prepared , and set before him : he feeding upon them to his full sa●ety , put up his kni●e , and withall , demanded of he● what he had to pay , who presently brought him an honest and conscio●able reckoning , of which hee seemed well to approove ; but asked her withall , if she would take a Song for her money : to whom shee gave a modest a●swer , ●hat shee would , so he would si●g such a one as might satisfie and content her : Saist thou so Host●sse , quoth he , gramercy for that , and song first one , and then another , and askt her how she liked this , and how that , but none of them all would please her : at length putting his hand into his pocket , he drawes out his purse , in which was no better coyne than plain Counters , and shaking it in his hand , beganne to sing aloud to this purpose .

The Song . WHat course shall I take , Due payment to make For all this good meate I have eaten ? To have boyld and roste , And all of free cost , I worthy were then to be beaten . Come forth then I say , My Coyne to defray , ( That never hath yet beene for●poken ) Lay downe to an haire , For all thy●good fare , And bate not thine hostesse a token .

And withall beganne to open his purse , and asked her , how that Song pleased her ? who answered him , very well , for now he sung to the purpose : Then Hostesse saith he , fare yo● well , you are payd you● reckoning .

Of Women going downe by Water to Braineford .

DIvers honest , and substantiall women went to make merry at Braineford with their Husbands leave ; and amongst the rest a Vi●tners wife , who was honest , but a plaine and simple man ; a familiar friend of his comming into the Kitching , and missing his wife , asked him where shee was● who replyed , that she was gon a Gossipping to Brainford with such a mans wife , and such an ones ( all which his neighbour well knew ) and they must needes goe by water too : ( saith he ) but to learne them more wit hereafter , I could wish they might all bee drowned , so they might have no harme .

Of the same Vintners Wife .

THe sa●e woman was very famous in the place where shee lived for ma●ing of dainty Marrow-bone P●ddings , at which indeed shee had scarce her fellow in the City ; and they two ●etwixt them had got a very faire estate : Being in very earnest discourse with a neighbour of his , they fell into talke about their meanes that God had bl●st them wi●h : saith this neighbour to him , you by your industry have got a faire and competent estate ; hee answered him againe , yes indeed I have , and whatsoever I possess● , is co●e unto ●e● by the grace of God : which his wife comming by , and hearing , made replie , come , come saith shee , you ta●ke that what you have got came by the grace of God , bu● I know what I know , I am sure it came by my making of Puddings .

Of a Tradse man that was a Good-fellow .

IT was the Phrase of a good fellow that I knew , and frequent in his mouth , whensoever hee came into any Ale-house or Taverne , come , come , call in for the other pot or quart ; a groat is ●oone got , but long in spending .

A witty answer of a civill Gentlewoman .

A Modest Matron sitting at doore in a Summer evening , a Ruffinly Gallant came unto her , and asked her bluntly , if shee nev●r had been a Whore● to whom shee suddenly replyed , indeed sir never but once , and that was when a Ruffinly young Gallant like your selfe , she being then my companion , begat you of your mother .

Of a cheating fellow and his Hostesse .

A Mad fellow , which had no money , travelling by the way , call'd in at an Ale-house for a deep● reckoning , but when it came to be payd , he made ●o long a pause , that his Hostesse desired to see i● discharged , for shee had other guests to looke to● but hee desired her to stay , and still , the more shee importuned him , his answer● was , Good Hostesse stay● well saith shee , stay me no stayes , either lay me my money downe , or I 'le presently goe fetch the Constable ; and withall stept out of the doore into the streete : hee followed her close , and began to tak● him to his heeles ; which shee perceiving , cryed after him , Stay fellow , stay fellow ; to whom looking backe , hee reply'd , by no meanes good Hostesse● thou wouldst not stay for me , and now will not I stay for thee .

Of one Banes , a Scholler in Westminster .

ONe Banes , a witty Lad of Westminster Schoole , having committed some fault or other , was to be whipt : now the Master ( whilst h●e stood bare to his mercy ) knowing him to bee ingenious , lifting up his Arme , with a smarting Rod in his hand , said , I aske the Banes of Matrimony betwixt the Rod in my hand , and the bare breech before mee , if any one can shew any reason , why these two may not be lawfully joyned together , let them speake now , or never , for this is the last time of their asking ; and withall being ready to strike , the Boy cast his head backe , and ●aid , Marry I forbid the Banes : The Schoole●ma●ter reply'd , but sirrah , you must shew me some reason why● who answer'd him , Because Sir , upon my knowledge the parties are not agreed : for which witty answer hee was for that time pardoned .

Of two Neighbours travelling by water .

TWo Friends travelling by Water , and the Windes being somewhat hie , and the billowes rough , though they were both very fearefull , yet one of them seeming more timorous than the other , his Neighbour began to cheere him up , and sayd , Doubt nothing Friend , but bee of good comfort ; for God is as strong by Land , as he is by Water .

A Question about a great , or small number .

A Witty conceited Gentleman meeting with a plaine Countrey-fellow , after some other discourse , thinking to sport himselfe with his simplicity , began to question with him about Arithmeticke , and ●mongst other interroga●ories , hee asked him , whe●her hee thought three or ●oure to bee a small num●er or a great● to whom ●he plaine fellow replyed , ●hat hee thought them to ●ee but a small number : how ●aith the Gentleman ? ●hen I put this further que●tion vnto thee : if thou hadst three or foure wives ●o keepe and maintaine , wouldst not thou thinke ●hem to bee a great num●er ? yes truely ; ( answered ●e ) for to speake my con●cience , having but one , I have enough , and too much of her , and therefore three or foure are a great number indeed : How ? ( replyed the Gentleman ) but say thou hadst but three or foure haires upon thy head , wouldst thou not thinke them to be but a very small number ? at which the poore fellow grew blanke , and was not able to make him any further answer .

Of a young Gentleman that married a crooked maid .

A Gentleman of good quality , and 〈◊〉 prop●● man withall , married with a Gentlewoman of a great dower , but sheew as very crooked , a friend of his comming to visit hi● , and observing upon what manner of creature he had bestowed himselfe , taking him aside , after some other discourse , demanded o● him , why he , being so handsome a Gentleman , and in his prime of youth , could match himselfe to a woman so mishapen ? who smiling , replyed ; friend , if thou hadst sent me a peece of gold out of the country , and bowed it for a token , it being weight , should I have despised it , and sent it backe againe to thee , because it was somewhat bent and crooked●

Sundry m●stakes spoken publickly upon t●e Stage .

IN the Play of Richard the third ; the Duke of Buckingham being betraid by his servant Banister , a M●ssenger comming hastily into the presence of the King , to bring him word of the Dukes surprizall , Richard asking him what newes● he replyed : My Liege , the Duke of Banister is tane , And B●ckingham is come for his reward .

A like to the forme● .

ANother in the Play of Edward the second ; though being often taxt of the errour , yet could never deliver one line otherwise , than thus : Like to the harmelesse Lambe , or sucking Dove .

A third .

A Third making a Proclamation , in the stead of fifty foot , commanded that no man , upon pai●e of death , should come within fifty Miles of the place of Execution .

A fourth .

ANother made this comparison .

Like to so many Cannons shot from Bullets .

A fift .

ANother bringing word from the General , that the Souldiers should sinke all their boats , and begon ; told them , that they must bore their holes full of Boats , and instantly march away .

A Man of a low stature .

ONe that was of a very low stature , and being often jeer'd for that : One time above the rest , it being cast upon him , hee said , you talke of Dwarfes , and the like ; but I protest , I was the other day in company with three or foure of my acquaintance , when ( no man being so high as I ) I was the tallest man amongst them .

Of a Souldiers wife in the time of Auri●olar Confession .

A Souldier having a curst ●hrew to his wife , and very untractable , yet pretending to be very religious , used ●o goe often to Co●fession : but still when shee kneeled before her Ghostly Father , in stead of ripping up her owne sinnes , she troubled his eares , with telling him what a bad man she had to her husband , and spared not to brand him with the worst things that either ●e could possibly doe , or shee could imagine to bee done : The Confessor meeting with him by chance , gave him a gentle admonishment , perswading a Comingall Attonement betwixt them , and told him how necessary it was for his soules health , to have a perfect & an unfeigned reconcilement made , that they might live in peace and unity ; and to that purpose told him how needfull it was , that hee should also come oftener to Confession , which hee had before so much neglected . These words seemed to take great impression in him , insomuch , that he appointed him a certain time for that purpose , and kept his word accordingly ; & being upon his knees , his Confessor having given him a serious exhortation , to confesse all those sinnes whatsoever hee had committed , that hee might bee absolved of them : he made him answere , that it was altogether needlesse , and to no purpose● for whatsoever I have done , nay more then ever I had a thought to doe , my wife hath confest unto you before hand : and so left him .

Of one that bought an Horse in Smithfield .

A Gentleman cheapened an Horse in Smithfield , and agreed for the price , which was Ten pound : but comming to pay down the Money , hee had but eight Pieces about him ; but sayd to him that sold him , heere is so much money in hand , and I will remaine Debter unto you for the rest ; who seeing him to be a man of fashion● and having inquir'd his name , and residence , did accept thereof , and so for that time they parted . The next day he found him out at his Lodging , and demanding the Two Peeces which he left unpayd , he answered , that he did him great wrong to claime any such Summe , for it was contrary to their bargaine : I pray Sir saith the other , how can you make that good● Marry thus said the Gentleman : Ten Peeces were the price for your Horse , Eight I payd you downe in hand , and promised you to bee your Debtor for the rest , and so I am● , and will remaine still ; for otherwise I should breake both my word , and bargaine .

A Prophecie of the Yeere ensuing .

THere is like to be such a defect in the Nobility , that even Rusticks , if they be rich , will strive to become Noble , and such a penury among the Iewes , that many , nay , too many Christians shall turne Usurers : One Day shall be longer , and one Night shorter than another : Men shall bee more glad to receive Money , than to pay it : Some shall rather de●ire to ride , than to goe on foote ; he that cannot compasse Wine , shall be glad to drinke Ale , or Beere : Man and Wife shall live in quiet , till they fall into quarrell : Blacke Cowes shall this yeere give white Milke● many shall be more glad to goe to bed late , than to rise early : Rich men shall dye as the poore doe , and no man shall be valewed according to his Wisdome , but his wealth , &c.

Of a Flatterer .

A Flatterer that had extolled his Lord beyond all reason or modesty , before a great company then present , impatient ofsuch Adulation , in regard it was so palpable , could not containe himselfe , but● rising from his seate , fell upon him , and gave him divers blowes ; who feeling the smart , sayd unto him , Sir , why doe you beate me● to whom hee answered , Sirrah , why didst thou bite me●●

A witty retort of a learned Bishop .

A Bishop going to visit through his Diocesse , was entertained at a Parsons house , where hee had very grea● a●d good chear , but his wine was starke naught ; which he ●asting , said to the Parso● , Domine Person● , hoc non ●st bonum vinus : To whom hee replyed , if i● please your good Lordship , I thinke you speak incongruously ; to who● he answered , it is true M●ster Parson , I know it well , but if you could tell how to mend your Wine , you should quickly finde , that I would mend my Latine .

Of Vsury .

ONe asking whether Usury were any way lawfull ? it was answered him againe , that it was ; the other demanding how ? who replyed againe , so that a man lendeth his money onely to such , as he knowes are not able to pay backe the principall againe .

Of a great Prelat● i●● Rome .

A Great Prelate in Rome , being at a su●ptuous and delicate ●east , where was plenty of all varietie● , and nothing was wa●●ing , saving Mustard , looking about , and spyi●g none , said aloud ; O quanta patimus pro Ecclesia : which a Scholler , who w●s then at his Elbow , hearing , said , Sir , by your favour , you should have said patimur ; to whom hee replyed , what telst thou mee of patimus or patimur , is it not all one ? for I am sure they are both of the Genitive case .

Of an unlearned Parson in the Country .

A Parson in the Country , who was no scholler , spying the word Epiphania in the Calendar , by the red letters finding it to be a Festival day , gave out in the Church , that the next weeke , upon such a day , they were to keepe the Feast of Epiphanie , but whether it were of a man or a woman , hee could not resolve them for the present ; but howsoever , he desired that they would co●e to the Church , and keep it for an Holyday .

A Vintner and a Poet.

A Vintner meeting 〈◊〉 Poet in the streets● saluted him , and desired● him of better acquain●tance : who asked him o● what profession hee was ? who told him that he was a Vintner , and proceeded further , and said , I know you by sight , and I make no question but that you know mee too : To whom he replyed , no indeed , fo● to my knowledge , I never saw your● face before ; I pray you where dwell you ? marry ( saith hee ) at the Rose , by the Poultry Counter gate ; to whom the Poet answered againe , friend● how horribly art thou mi●tooke ! why , I tell thee , I never durst walke that way this seaven yeares .

Of a Land Poet , and a Water Poet.

ONe being asked what difference there was betwixt a Land Poet and a Water Poet ? made answer ; even just so much as there is betwixt a Scholle●and a Schuller .

Of a Knight which wa● made a Master of Art .

WHether it be by th● Kings prerogative● or by the courtesie of th● University I know not , o● whether both couplin● together ; but so it was that a Knight , a Nobl● Gentleman , being with th● Kings Majesty at Cambridge , had so much grac● as to be made a Master o● Art , to add to his forme● Title : upon which honou● having drunke somewhat stiffely over night , an● comming to tender his service to his Majesty , hee ( knowing him to bee no Scholler ) asked him , how much hee had profited in his learning , since hee had tooke that degree ? who answered him againe , with a protestation , that since his comming to the Accademy , hee had gain'd so much Latine , that the last night hee had scarce one word of English to bring him to bed .

Of a Reader in on● of th● Innes of Court .

A Very eminent Gentleman , who was at that time Reader , having feasted the house very bountifully in his last Lecture , or taking of his leave of these exercises , did it in these or the like words : Gentlemen , I have read to you , & I have feasted you , but if you have not profited so much by my reading , as by my feasting ' , I conclude thus : You have beene better fed than taught .

Of a Goldsmith , his Wife ; and his youngest Pr●●tise .

A Goldsmith , fearing the danger of the Sicknesse , was perswaded by his wife , which was a pretty handsome Gentlewoman , to remove out of London , and take an house in the Countrey , and to furnish it , caused his younger Prentise to take an in●entory of all such household commodities , as hee went to conveigh thence , ●hich hee did punotually , and set downe every particular thing as they were delivered : but when hee came to his Mistresse Linnen , and finding , that for haste sake , ●ome were washt , and some not , hee writ after this manner : Item , so many of my Mistris her smocks white , and so many parcell guilt , and so gave up his account ; which the young Gentlewoman reading , grew into a violent rage , and perswaded her husband to beate the Lad , or bring him before the Chamberlaine , but howsoever , to have him soundly corrected : to which hee answered , wife , by no meanes , the boy suites his phrases properly to his trade , for you know we have white plate , parcell guilt , and guilt al over .

Of Paules .

TWo Gentlemen that were of familiar acquaintance meeting , the one demanded● of the other , what newes ? marry ●aith he , strange new●s , have you not heard it ? his friend being importunate to know what it was : why saith hee , Paules is preparing , either to goe , or to ride into the Country presently ; the other replyed , what probability can there bee for that ? what probability ? ( answered he againe ) why , doe you not see hee hath sent all his Trunkes away before hand ?

Of a great Courtier and a Citizen .

A Citizen of good quality , having businesse with a Lord of the Court , as having vented upon him divers commodities , th● Lord upon a time , being merrily disposed , desired to resolve him one question , who told him he would , if it lay in his power to doe 't : then saith hee , I prethee tell mee what should be the reason , that so many Citizens should bee Cuckolds ? who answered him presently , troth my Lord I know none , but our foolish imitation ; for wee can see a fashion no sooner come up in the Court , but they will never bee at q●iet till they have it in the City .

Of a Maior in the Country , and a pleasant fellow riding through the Towne .

THe Maior of a thorow-fare Towne , sitting at his doore in discourse with some of his neighbours ; one that tired his horse , could not by any spurring make him go forward ; but when hee came just before the Inne doore , where the Maior sate , stood stone stil● , and would not stirre one foo●e further , at which they fell all on laughing ; ( for hee was ●nowne to them all ) at le●gth saith mistris Maior , friend , how farre are you to ride to night ? tro●h , an●wered he , I am afraid I am at the farthest : will you fell the B●ast you ride on , saith the M●ior ? if I would , answered he , I could wish you not to buy him , for one foule fault that he hath : and what is that , saith the other ? hee replyed , marry because he never lookes upon any paltry Mare , but ( as I have observed it ) this jadish trick comes upon him .