The svvaggering damsel

THE SWAGGERING DAMSELL . A COMEDIE .

Actus 1. Scena 1. Enter Hiles , Roger , and Rowland ; Roger with a Napkin on his sleeve , and a silver bowle in 's hand . Rog.

COme Hilts , one cup more .

Hilts ,

Not a drop , I know they have din'd by this time , and if I shu'd be out o th' way , when my master comes , he would raile , that the noyse of an Oyster wench wu'd not be halfe so divelish .

Row .

Come , come , one lustie dish now i th' bottome o th' cellar 's worth all the rest —

Hilts .

A way with your number 4. it makes rattle-bagges and windmills in my guts , I cannot endure it .

Rog.

Come , come , I warrant ye , it will not , prethee come .

Hilt .

Not ? Why I 'me blowne wee 't already like a Lancashire Bag-pipe upon a May day ; and besides , t is so weake , that a man cannot keepe it alive while he throwes it in 's guts , when thou comst ' to our house I le give thee a cup of Beere will make thy nose cry twang Roger .

Row .

Why , but ye doe not keepe such a house for all your jesting , doe ye ?

Hilts .

Such a house , shat come in a morning , and finde the cellar a foote deepe in March beere ; here a blacke Jacke , and there a flagon standing in 't like steeples in a drown'd city — Ther 's house-keeping Roger .

Rog.

I marry sir , there 's a house well kept indeede .

Hilts.

Nay sir , by this meanes we make my Master a better house keeper than ere his father or grandfather was before him ; for where they were us'd to ride every day a Hawking and hunting , my Master keepes the house sometimes for two or three yeares together , and what 's the cause ? nothing but our mirth , our randans , our tarra tantaras — oh the onely way in the world to make a gentleman a house-keeper .

Rog.

Well , come , I must needs have our round about to thy Masters daughters ; for dost heare Hilts , me thought there was a little nodding and winking betwixt my young Master , Mr. Valentine Crambag , and Mistresse Sabina , didst not perceive it Rowland ?

Row .

Yes marry did I , and tother gentleman there his Kinsman me thought now and then cast a sheepes eye towards Mistresse Mirabell ; goe to , an old Ape has an old Eye , Roger .

Hilts .

Why but Roger you are not such a Sillibraine , I hope to thinke that your young Master loves Mistrisse Sabina —

Rog.

Nay , I me past thinking , for I doe partly know it .

Hilts .

How ?

Rog.

Why , t is neither impossible nor unlikely ?

Hilts .

I doe not beleeve your young Master 's such a stout fellow Roger .

Rog.

Why pray ?

Hilts .

I meane , as to venture himselfe upon such a wilde thing , I tell you sirs , your young Master , I confesse is a pretty dappart young gentleman , but in respect of her he is but a Child , a shrimpe , a Butterflie , a Chitterling , a Bable ; in love with her quoth a ? Shee 's not one that cares for complements , or will be wonne with cringes , or your tres-humble serviteur Madame ; no no Roger ; she is a Blade , a Sparke , a Teare-coate ; and he that carries her away , must mumble her , jumble her , rumble her , and tumble her , swagger , roare , and teare like a mad man ; your young Master quoth a ? — pish ,

To them Valentine and Fairefaith . Rog.

Husht , here come the gentlemen .

Val.

Why stand you here ? make sir Timothy Testies man welcome — go .

Hilts .

It was a brave speech of your worships sir .

Val. O Cosen , Exit with Rog. and Row . The wombe of Aetnas but a rocke of ice , Compar'd unto those flames that rage within My bosome ; I must enjoy , or else give end unto This mortall life by some untimely meanes . Fair. Good starres forbid it sir ; Come , come , Lull not your owne destruction , nor unman Your selfe in doting on the outward frame Of an imperfect soule , Follow discretions finger that will guide Your understanding and your minde to one , Whose person's vertues Temple ; Cosen thinke on 't , Her qualities and yours will ne're agree ; Your civill nature ne're will correspond With her wanton humours . Val. It cannot be , There 's nothing save a Deity can inhabit So glorious a mansion , Not love her , say yee ? not have her ; I hope my starres will never looke so blacke , How ever yet my comforts this , If I cannot have her I can perish . Fair. That case is desperate , when a man must needs Sinke in a gulfe , or split upon the rocke ; Know sir , I beare as good a mind To her faire sister Mirabell ; but yet I checke these passions fearing that shee is Too like her sister , yet my flames doe rise So high , that she takes notice on 't ; come Learne to forget her , for you must expect Nothing from her but scorne . Val. That such a creature has so foule a soule , 'T will never pierce My understanding judgement , or beleefe ; Her birth and education needs must purge Such grossenesse . Fai. Sir be happie , hugge your owne fancy , May things prove well , I shall be glad to see 't ; Farre bee 't from me to envie any good Betydes a friend and kinsman . To them Sabina Mirabell . Peace , they 'r both come . Val. Welcome faire one , Welcome I say , to th' armes of him that flies , All joyes but those that in thy bosome lies . Sab.

My bosome ? what d ee you finde there pray sir ; you have a minde perhappes to my Jewell , if you will not hurt it , ye shall have it a while to play with , t is a pretty bright thing sir .

Val.

Not so bright as your white bosome , Lady .

Sab.

As how pray ye ? what see you there ?

Val. O no , the gods wu'd frowne if any mortall breath , Shu'd once prophane that milkie way , There 's not a little in that lovely place , But does create a wonder : When Cupid's thirstie , and desires a sip , Of Nectar , than he runnes unto thy lip , And for your haire , the brightnesse of it does Perswade my soule the very graces spun The golden twist . Sab.

Pray yee speake on sir , when ye have emptied your pockets you le be quiet .

Val.

Emptied my pockets ?

Sab.

Sir , these are but pocket complements , run 'em over once , and then perhaps I shall talke with yee ; remember where ye left , I wu'd be loath to put ye out sir , my haire was golden twist , ye said , come , what of all this ?

Val. This has enflam'd my thoughts , Ensnar'd my soule , and made me vow A desperate destruction to my selfe , Except from you I have one gracious smile May stile me servant ; And for your fathers minde , I know it jumpes with our desires . Sab. My fathers minde ? d ee thinke his frosty beard , Can temper my affections , No , no , His precepts are too wither'd for my youth ; Know sir , That I disdaine those low-borne wormes That will be circumscrib'd by dotage In loves affaires : I scorne to be directed , I am my selfe sir , and my onely soule Is my owne will and humour : But pray whence come these words ? Val.

From my deepe passions .

Sab.

Whence those passions .

Val. From your faire eyes , they Were the happie guiders of my soule , Vnto this bower of wonder ; They fir'd my heart Which burnes , and will doe in remorslesse flames , Vntill from them I doe receive a glance , May sweeten these my torments . Sab.

Not so loud I pray you , speake softly sir . They whisper .

Fair. Speake Mirabell , May I thinke a proud thought . Mir.

O by no meanes sir , they are great sinnes .

Fair.

This of mine 's a vertue .

Mir.

What may it be sir ?

Fair.

Nothing Lady , but a presumptuous study to be yours .

Mir. Sir , you may speake what you please , but first Let it arrive my apprehension what Or how you meane , according to my skill , I will returne my answer . Fai. Onely to be One of the number that doe still attend Your pleasures becke , and so be stil'd your servant . Mir. Sir , My thoughts nor fortunes ever were so high , To keepe a servant of that consequence , And t is my hope they never will , or shall be . Fai. Breake not a sacred oath , for I have sworne My selfe your servant : then for pitties sake , Doe not infringe my vow . Mir. Well , Tendring your vow , Suppose I shud admit Your selfe into my service , wod ye strive , T' expresse the faith and diligence belongs Vnto a servant . Fair. My pleasure and delight shud fixe , On nothing more than to expresse , My faith and loyalty . Mir. Well , I admit you into my service , But by the way you may perhaps observe Some passages betwixt a friend and me , As letters , tokens passages , or so ; Which if ye doe , take heede ye word it not , But still possesse your selfe with secresie . Fair.

Betwixt a friend and you ? — umph .

Mir.

Ne're scratch your head about it , for y' are now My servant .

Fair. I am , I 've sworne it , and I will be so , But yet ye did not heare me sweare my selfe , A servant to your friend — I le none of that . Mir.

Your reason ?

Fai. T is love that makes me here present my selfe , And with my selfe to tender up my soule , Engag'd by vowes and oathes to waite upon No creature but your selfe : Love is the spurre that prickes me on to this , And love you know can brooke no rivalls . Mir.

Doe you love and serve your selfe ?

Fai.

You and my selfe I doe .

Mir. Your self 's the friend I meane , and this discourse Has beene a true prospective glasse , whereby To peepe into your minde , which now I finde Full fraught with sweetnesse , when I did desire , Ye wod keepe private what ye did observe , 'T was nothing else But to be secret to your selfe and me ; Sir , in a word , I doe embrace your love . Fair. Be not too prodigall of thy goodnesse sweet , Consider what a scarciti 's of it now I th' world . Mir.

Let this suffice sir , — I am yours .

Sab.

Pray let me intreate ye to love your selfe a little better than to spend all this breath to no purpose .

Val.

Why then I le take my leave , but first , let this snow white hand but daine to blesse the unhallowed lippes of your admiring Slave , that I may hence with gladnesse , and have cause to boast of something .

Sab.

With all my heart sir ; but I pray how long were you Doctor of the chaire in the schoole of complements ?

Val.

O they can never come from a dejected spirit . Kisses her hand .

Sab.

Well , now I hope you are satisfied .

Val.

I wish my heart could truely speake it .

Sab.

Come , come , you are too importunate .

Val. O let not anger bend so smooth a brow , Not for the earths hid minerall wod I give The least occasion of a frowne to thee , For if I shud , I should perpetually abhorring my selfe Though not a word , Yet let me have one glance before I goe , For nothing faire one speakes a lovers minde , So well as the eye , Sab.

They talke of women , but you are able to teach all the women in the world to talke much to little purpose , for ought I see ; come I must tutor ye a little , I see that .

Val.

Were I so happy to be your Pupill , I were a wonder to my selfe .

Fai.

If it were so I thinke you wod not be much troubled to make him untrusse forsooth .

Val. For pitties sake jest not at pitties object : Little knowest thou the miseries of him , That has his amorous flames return'd with scorne : Well , since t is thus , I will my selfe translate From this mortality , and embrace my Fate . To them Sir Timothy Testy , Sir Plenteous Crambagge . Sir T.

No further , no further , pray returne .

Sir P.

Good sir give me leave to bring you a little further .

Sir T.

Pray yee , returne , ye doe but trouble your selfe and me to no purpose , well , Sir Plenteous Crambagge I thanke ye .

Sir P.

Farwell good sir Timothy Testy .

Sir T.

Come girles , come — where 's Hilts ? — ha . Where is he ?

Enter Hilts .

Where are you sir , when ye shud waite upon me ? — ha , Where I say ?

Hilts .

I was but i th' cellar , forsooth .

Sir . T.

I th' cellar forsooth ? what businesse have you i th' cellar for sooth ? who shud waite upon me the whilst ? wherefore doe I give you three pound a yeare , and a trencher-cloake ? — ha ? — well —

Sir P. Farewell sir Plenteous , Sir P.

Farewell good sir Timothy Testy . Exit sir Tim. cum suis. How does my cosin Fairefaith ? how shall we squander away this afternoone , can you tell ?

Fair.

As you please sir .

Sir P.

Come , I have a mighty minde to be merry , what so ere the matter is .

Fai.

I 'me very glad of it sir .

Sir P.

But I have alwayes observed that when I am so extreamely dispos'd to mirth , one vexation or other falls presently in the very nicke .

Fair.

It falls so sometimes sir .

Sir . P. Well come , what de' e say gallants ? My thoughts me thinkes are on a jocond pin , I am strain'd up to a mightie pleasant key , me thinkes . Fai.

What say you cosin Valentine ?

Val.

What ye please .

Sir P. Nay , I ' me indifferent , my masters walke the fields . Goe by Water , see a Play , or what ye will , t is All one to me , come what say you sonne , — speake ? Which of these three , come , come , you are too sad ; Say , what shall wee doe ? Val.

What yee will sir , I confesse I doe sometimes Walke the fields , thinking to purge vexatious thoughts , but wheresoever I turne mine eye , something or other ministers occasion of fresh tortures : when I go by water , then the waves that tumble one in the others necke , present to my fancy the multiplicity of distraction crowding in at the doore of my thoughts , and for seeing a Play , I confesse it a brave thing , both to feast the wit , and recreate the minde : but , I thinke I shall ere be long see my selfe act my owne Tragedie .

Sir P. I told you cosin , this Sunny flash wud have a storme ; What s the matter sonne ? — ha ? — Why thus dejected ? — Speake — cosin , what is the businesse ? What ayles my sonne ? Fa.

No great hurt sir .

Sir P.

Speake man , here s none but friends , unbrest your selfe , What s the matter I say ?

Val.

Nothing , nothing sir , onely a melancholy fit .

Sir P.

Nothing ? that 's strange — Cosin , how comes my sonne thus discontented ? what wud he have ?

Fa.

Sir , to stretch your patience no further than it will reach , t is a gentlewoman that hee wud have , a good lustie hansome gentlewoman .

Sir P.

A gentlewoman ? how d ee meane a gentlewoman ? What wud he doe with her cosin ?

Fa.

I cannot tell sir , he has a use for her it seemes , hee is in love with her , you may imagine now what hee wud doe with her .

Sir P. How ? in love with a gentlewoman ? You are a forward boy indeede — I hope 'T is with one that hath a good portion , if not youth by Gold and silver , you and I shall not be friends — umph : In love quoth a ? It is a thing cosen , I never yet knew What it was , and yet I 'me three score and upwards . Fa. Not sir , Were ye not in love with your Lady before ye married her ? Sir P.

T is true , I had a great deale of money with her .

Fa.

More than your sonne 's like to have with this gentlewoman I heare .

Sir P.

Say ye so ? how comes this about sonne ? — ha ? I st possible ?

Val. Sir , T is not this transitory pelfe , Nor all the trumperie the world cries up That I respect ; no , I esteeme a soule Sweetned with education ; Let dung admirers idolize their bagges ; T is not for man , In whom there dwells an immortality : I have made a choice , Not for such by respects , this creature is The pride and darling both of love and fame : Sir , know that I Scorne to dishonor my good starres so farre , As to besmeare my soule with trash , Or to prophane Loves sacred rites for wealth . Sir P. Come , come , tell not me of education , and I cannot tell what , I must have money , I cannot purchase land With education not I , neither with all your Philosophy , I tell you , I must have Mony , and I will have mony — but prethee cosin what is this Gentlewoman — ha ? Fa.

A brave lusty bouncing Lasse , I can ell ye — what d ee thinke of Mistresse Sabina Testy , daughter to Sir Timothy Testy .

Sir P.

What of her ?

Fa.

She is the goddesse of your sonnes idolatry .

Sir P.

Shee ? Passion of my heart , sonne , coud'st thou finde no body else to dote on but she ? did I carke , and care , and watch , and toile and moyle , and sweate for this — ha ? have I endur'd a thousand millions of curses for exacting of forfeitted bonds , and morgag'd lands for this ? Sir Timothy Testy's daughter , quoth a ? a wild slut , her father a decai'd gentleman , and one that with riot and excesse has cut so many collops out of his estate , that sometimes he is glad to keepe his chamber , and gentily begin a course of physicke two or three yeares together , Sir Timothy Testy's daughter quoth a ?

Val.

O my heart , me thinkes it teares in a thousand shivers , Mistresse — father — friends , and all averse to my desires , be not so cruell Fates .

Sir P.

Well , to be short , if sir Timothy can , or will , give a considerable portion , t is a match , if not , Pardona moy , good son , I will not have a brood of beggers in my house — not I .

Fa.

Stay a little sir , the greatest matter you doe not either know , or consider , were your consent the thing , that I thinke wod not be much stood upon ; but here comes the breake necke of the businesse ; the gentlewoman scornes him .

Sir P.

How ? scorne the Crambags ? Sir , Be it knowne to all men by these presents , that there 's ne're a gentleman of 'em all but are now and then glad to be beholden to the Crambagges ; she scorne him ? come cosin , I le goe talke with her father about it , but first I le know her portion .

Exeunt sir Plen. and Faire . Val.

T is in vaine , she cannot love , not ? why can she not love ? am I so vile a thing ? no , I am not , what s the reason then ? t is her immortall minde that wings her thoughts above my reach , there , there 't is ; what shall I doe then ? turne coward and suffer it ; nay , what can I doe — what ? I can die —

O ye fields of blisse , If ye containe a flowrie grove of rest , Prepar'd for those that must needs dye for love , Embrace my vowes , and entertaine that soule That flies for shelter to your sacred shades , Offers to draw . Come forth thou purge of melancholy , Rip up this lumpe of sadnesse , cut those chaines , Wherewith my soule is linckt to miserie ; — Stay , — come downe proud thoughts , Consider well what ye attempt to doe : Am I a sacrifice for such a wight ? — O no , I le then resolve to live , Although it be but to torment my selfe , And thinke that torment pleasure , cause t is shee , For whom alone I suffer miserie .

Actus Secundus . Enter sir Timothy Testy , sir Plenteous Crambagge . Sir T.

PIsh , pray sir doe not urge me , I 'me a little busie .

Sir P.

T is but a word sir , and the matter ends .

Sir T.

Words , or matter , I cannot heare it now I tell ye .

Sir P.

T is a concernement requires your serious intention , as much as mine sir .

Sir T.

Sir , I doe not use to step out of my humour , neither for my owne sake , nor no mans else .

Sir P.

T is for your owne profit and good , pray heare it sir .

Sir T.

Well , le ts here it then , le ts heare it , but d ee heare , be breefe .

Sir P.

Thus it is .

Sir T.

Nay , come come , make an end , make an end .

Sir P.

I have not begun yet sir .

Sir T.

Preethee make an end I say .

Sir P.

Well , then you shall heare the end : my sonne Valantine has a minde to make a conjunction copulative with your daughter Sabina .

Sir T.

Speake in a plainer part of speech man , what d ee meane ?

Sir P.

He has a minde to lye with her sir .

Sir T. I le see him hang'd first , except he marry her first . Sir P.

So he does entend sir , but you would not heare the beginning , which made me beginne at the end .

Sir T.

Well , come to th' point , what saies my daughter too 't ?

Sir P.

Rich Parents ne're question that sir , they first wisely agree upon Portions , seale Writings , then marry the young couple , and afterwards , give 'em time to consider of that , if we may have your consent , I make no question of hers .

Sir T.

Well , ye have it , ye have it .

Sir P.

I thanke yee sir , I shall make my sonne a glad man when I come home sir .

Sir T.

Send 'em joy , come , is this all ye have to say ?

Sir P.

T is all sir .

Sir T.

Well , fare yee well .

Sir P.

Stay sir , I had like to have forgot the maine businesse .

Sir T.

Puh , yet againe , speake , speake come , what i st ?

Sir P.

I wud desire to know sir what blessings you meane to bestow upon your daughter ?

Sir T.

Pish , d ee thinke I le be backward in these things ? She shall have a thousand .

Sir P.

T is a faire portion sir .

Sir T.

Have ye done now ?

Sir P. I have done , I have done , heavens protect ye sir — Sir T.

A due , a due .

Sir P.

— Good sir , but one word more , and then I have done .

Sir T.

What againe , what ailes the man tro ?

Sir P.

Onely this sir , I hope you 'le pay the money upon the wedding day sir , will not ye ?

Sir T.

Money ? — what money ?

Sir P.

The marriage money sir .

Sir T.

What marriage money ?

Sir P.

The thousand pound .

Sir T.

The thousand pound ? what d ee meane sir ?

Sir P.

Did you not say but now you wod give a thousand pound with her ?

Sir T.

I told you I wod give her a thousand blessings ; passion of my heart , a thousand pound quoth a ? sir I scorne it ; ye have abus'd me to thinke so , let those scraping curmudgions , that for the most part beget cripples and idiots like themselves , I say , let those doo 't J tell ye ; on the wedding day , as I said , I le give her a thousand blessings with all my heart .

Sir P.

And ne're a penny of mony ?

Sir .

Not a penny .

Sir P.

What ? Not with your owne childe ?

Sir T. Not a Denier , not one Denier : Sir P.

Why then give me leave to tell yee , your resolution is unworthy , nay , t is scurvy .

Sir T.

How scurvy ? and in my owne house too ?

Sir P.

Ay scurvy , and I must tell yee , argues no better than a beggerly disposition .

Sir T.

Beggerly disposition ? O basenesse it selfe .

Sir P.

Base , I n'ere stood yet sir with my cap in my hand to a Scrivener for the procuring of ten pounds upon my owne bond .

Sir T.

How ? I stand with my cap in my hand ye rascall ? when ? when ? how ? to whom ? I stand with my cap in my hand ? — I defie thee . Enter Hilts . I stand with my cap in my hand ?

Hilts .

How now ? what d ee affront my master in 's owne house sir , pray avoide .

Sir T.

Out of my house ye dunghill , ye dirt , yee spawne of ten i th hundred .

Hilts .

Come , come sir , le ts see your backe , or your worships pate feele the weight of my cudgell .

Sir T.

Out ye villaine .

Sir P.

Very well sir . Exit sir Plenteous .

Sir T.

A slave abuse me thus , and in my owne house too .

Hil. Come sir , doe not trouble your selfe , he 's gone now Sir T.

A Sirra , an old Pancridge .

Hilts .

Nay I see you are bell mettle sir if you 'r angred once .

Sir T.

Angry ? t was well thou cam'st in , for in my conscience I had kill'd the rogue else . Enter Sabina , Mirable . Whorson dogbolt affront me thus .

Sab. What s the matter Hilts , who has vext my father thus Sir T.

Old Crambag forsooth , has beene here and so abus'd me as I was never abus'd since I peept into the world , and what s the reason forsooth , because his son and heire 's in love with you forsooth , and entends to make you his bride forsooth , therefore must I give t him a thousand pound forsooth , but I le see him hang'd for a signe at s owne doore first ; the truth is daughter , his sonne is a pretty gentleman , but here s the thing , his sonne , as I perceive is mad in love , and for ought I see , rather than faile , he will give me a thousand pound for my consent , were not I an Asse then Hilts , to give a man a thousand pound to marry my daughter ; when the same man rather than goe without her will give it me ? were not I a Buzzard then I say ?

Hilts .

A man wod thinke so sir .

Sir T.

Why shod I doe it — ha ? give me but a why , and I 'me satisfied ?

Hilts .

In troth sir I cannot give you any great reason , unlesse your purse were sicke of a Plurisie which I cud ne're finde yet .

Sir . T.

Well , for the businesse of marriage , use your owne minde daughter , I cannot tell , perhaps the old curre may leave him an estate — Well , once trouble not me , and doe your pleasure , but if you talke of money , I shall be angry , come along Hilts . Exit sir T.

Hilts .

This young gentleman , a nimble sparke I see , that I did not thinke the young colt wod have beene leaping so quickly — therefore doe you hamper him as soone as yee can , d ee heare .

Within .

Come away Hilts .

Hilts .

I 'me comming and please your worship . Exit Hil.

Sab.

Advise me in this dangerous maze to steere a safe course .

Mir.

Yee are in a faire way to doe your selfe a great deale of good , keepe your selfe in 't sister , the gentleman s a great heire , sweetly behav'd , bravely discourst , and besides , a proper hansome compleate gentleman , what can you desire more sister ?

Sab.

Sister , I love the gentleman , at first , I confesse , I did a little sleight him , but my second thoughts fram'd a recantation which my intentions have directed to salute him spedily .

Mir.

A way with it sister , give it not a minuts more entertainement for a world , send it immediatly .

Sab.

Come , I le dispatch it instantly .

Mir.

Be certaine ye doe sister . Exeunt Sab. Mir.

Enter Valentine , Fairefaith , Sportlove , Trash . Val. — umph , And was I borne to the sport of Fate , Cud not the destinies as well have said Be happy — inexorable starres , Had ye but doom'd me to have trod the pathes Of dreadfull banishment never to returne , T 'had beene a heaven in respect of this — But t is in vaine , Vpon the statutes of the starres to plaine ; I must even rush upon some desperate death , And there s an end . Fa.

Heaveans forbid sir .

Val.

There s no remedy , her loves impossible .

Sport .

Impossible ? why d ee thinke the world containes a creature cannot be won .

Val.

Yes indeed ?

Sport .

You might as well have told mee , that hee that has a Puritanicall wife cannot be a cuckold sir ; take this from me , there 's not the bravest gallant that e're went naked to the middle , but a hansome man , good cloathes , language , and money will bring her under the see , I warrant yee .

Fa.

Sir , me thinkes it were not a misse if you did cast your eye upon some other , the world is wide and populous , and now and then to looke a squint , wud be a good way to asswage the violence of your passion .

Val.

O no , she — she is the blasing starre where on I gaze , and the little world of beautie which I admire .

Tr.

O brave Master — there was a speech ; O Master Sportlove , this learning 's a dainty matter — d ee heare sir , shall I goe and tell her what ye say ? —

Sport .

You cannot come againe time enough , let it alone .

Tr.

I warrant ye sir . Exit Trash .

Fa.

Come , Try her againe sir , ye cannot tell , droppes of raine may pierce an Adamant .

Spo.

That 's with often falling upon 't sir , if he cud but learne that , she wud love him presently .

Fa.

Push , away with these fruitlesse passions , be your selfe once againe .

Spo.

That cannot be sir , you must consider he is in love .

Fa.

Why , cannot a man be in love , and yet be himselfe too ?

Spo.

He may be , but 't is raro aut nunquam , jealousie in a woman , love in a man , and tooth ach in a dogge , are three of the most dangerous things I can tell ye , that are incident to mortalls . Enter Trash .

Tr.

Nay , I 'me come againe gentlemen .

Spo.

What already , and done your errand too ?

Tr. O rarely , sir , I had it as perfect — Val.

Sirra , what did yee tell her ? you are so officious .

Fr.

I told her sir , that your worship said , she was the staring blaze whereon you gaz'd , and the world of little beauty which you admir'd .

Val.

Out ye rogue , yee small knowing rascall , thou hast undone me ; did I tell ye so ? dost thou goe and turne my words backwards , ye villaine . Falls upon him .

Tr.

Gentlemen , if I cud runne away from him , I wud not be beholden to yee , for shame , doe not stand still and see a man kill'd .

Fa.

It was but a mistake sir , pray pardon him .

Tr.

T was nothing sir , but onely the wrong end came out first , the gentlewoman understood it well enough .

Spo.

Come , pray ye sir have patience .

Val.

I must kill the rogue , for he will never have wit .

Tr.

Forbid that sir , if men shud be kill'd for want of wit , I had beene a Masterlesse coxcombe long agoe sir , but t is no matter , you may use me at your pleasure .

Sp.

Come , come , all 's well , all 's well .

Tr.

I that s true indeede , when I 'me beaten once , then all 's well still .

Fa.

But Mr. Sportlove , nothing but this gentlewoman troubles me , that she shud be so faire , so young , so hansome , and yet cannot love — me thinkes 't is strange .

Spo.

It may be she feedes upon preserv'd snow , which if she doe , she 'le seldome have a warme thought , I can tell yee ,

Fa.

Nay , her diet 's good I le assure yee , for she will constantly have a breakefast of Oringoes , a dinner of Potatoes , a Sacke posset to supper , and so goes to bed .

Tr.

If she feede thus , t is impossible for the poore gentlewoman to hold out long .

Enter Betty with a Letter . Val.

Fellow servant , how fares our Mistresse ?

Tr.

Ye were told but just now , were not yee ?

Bett.

This Letter was commanded first to kisse your hand , and then enforme yee .

Val.

To the gentle hand of her dearest Valentine addresse these .

The Letter .

Val. Sir , I hope by this time your good nature has granted a pardon for my seeming rashnesse , which proceeded not from a minde fraught with disdaine , but grounded on a resolution to be your servant , th' old man 's not yet in bed , but halfe an houres forbearance lockes him up in slumber ; about which time my ambition is to see you at my chamber , where my servant shall attend to give you accesse to ,

Your respective handmaide , Sabina Testy . Tr.

Now sir you wud runne into the fire , and drowne your selfe , wud ye ? what d ee thinke of me now sir , did I not doe my errant bravely sir , did not I ?

Val.

Thou hast done ingeniously , and I will study correspondent gratitude .

Tr.

Nay , pray sir , I had as leefe you did beate me agen , as give me hard words forsooth , I cannot endure 'em .

Val.

O how precious are those minuts wherein are wrapt unexpected joyes , sweete peece of paper ; faire was that starre under whose influence thou wert made — O this halfe houres forbearance , pardon sweet heart , passion had almost made me forget a due respect . Kisses her .

Tr.

Pray sir doe not charge your memory with these things , leave 'em to me sir .

Val.

To you sir , wherefore ?

Tr.

Because shee is the Sugar-plumme — of my affections sir .

Val.

Cry yee mercy , farewell pretty Ducke ; tell your Mistresse I will flie like time , till I have blest these eyes with the sight of her . Exit Betty .

Fai.

Cosin , y' are now in a progresse towards the gentlewoman , take a little of my advice along with ye — having now the advantage of a faire opportunitie , try her every way , you know my meaning , and then as you finde her dispos'd , you may better dispose of your affections .

Spo.

Sir , were it in my case , I tell ye in plaine termes , I wud promise her a thousand things , and it may be for a nights lodging , I wud vow 'em and sweare 'em too ; but when J had once satisfied my purposes , I wud shew her a faire paire of heeles , and there 's an end .

Tr.

Spoke like a gentleman , I le assure yee sir .

Val. T is easie sporting where no paine is felt , Come , come , le ts goe . Fai.

We attend your pleasure sir , for I perceive you long to be where your minde is .

Tr.

A lacke aday , you must consider sir every thing wud live .

Val.

Sweet , I come . Exit Val. Fai.

Spo.

Didst ever see a passion so transport a man , heavens blesse his wits .

Tr.

T was a good prayer sir , but he must have 'em first .

Exeunt Spo. Trash . Enter Sabina , Betty . Sab.

What said he Betty when he read the Letter .

Bett,

Hee was so ravisht with joy , that J thinke he knew not what hee said forsooth , and for the letter , he did so cull it , and lull it , and clip it , and hugge it , and busse it — O me Mistresse , this love —

Sab.

T is a pretty pleasant vexation ; but did he say hee wud come ?

Bett.

He told me he wud come with all speede , and that hee shud thinke every minute a hundred yeares till hee saw yee , with many other pretty words which I cannot repeate for sooth .

Sab.

I shall be extreame melancholy till I see him ; but are you sure he did say he wud come ?

Bett.

Very certaine , forsooth .

Sab.

How long d ee thinke it will be first ?

Bett.

Your owne appointment was halfe an houre , but for ought I saw , he was resolv'd not to forbeare so long forsooth .

Sab.

Prethee Betty helpe me to cosen the time a little with some pretty love Song .

Bett.

That will but make yee the more melancholy forsooth .

Sab.

Though it doe , yet me thinkes I love it dearely .

Bett.

Me thought yee said ye were afraid of being melancholy but now forsooth ?

Sab.

I did so , and so I am , and yet I love it .

Bett.

I had heard 'em say forsooth , that melancholy people are like Spaniells .

Sab.

Why prethee ?

Bets.

They say a Spaniell , the more a man beates him the more he fawnes upon him ; so melancholy people , me thinkes , the more the humor torments 'em the more they love it .

Sab.

T is very true , come reach me my Lute — prethee sing Betty .

A Song . BE not so cruell fairest Boy , But unstring thy golden bow , In love we must expect no joy , Nothing there but sorrow's flow ; If thy flaming arrow did But touch , yet it still appeares , We must for ever after bid Farewell joye , and welcome teares ; Tell us , then tell us where doth grow , The herbe that cures the wounded eye , Else we must cry alas and woe , There 's no such herbe that growes , and dye .

Sab.

T was well sung .

Bett.

No indeede forsooth my voyce is quite gone , Chambermaides have occasion you know forsooth now and then to sit up in the nights when they have businesse to doe , and that spoiles a maids voyce quickly forsooth — they knocke .

Sab.

They 're come I vow , runne to the doore .

She runnes to doore and lets them in . Enter Valentine , Fairefaith , Sportlove , Trash the three Gentlemen salute Sabina . Tr.

My little Tewxbury mustard , how does thou doe ?

Bett.

Mustard ? why mustard , pray ye ?

Tr.

Because I never come neere thee , but thou makes my very eyes water .

Fai.

Sir , t is fit wee now withdraw ; the darkenesse of the night preswaded our attendance , now common civilitie requires our absence — pleasures attend your proceedings sir .

Spo.

Sweet night embrace ye sir .

Val.

Thankes noble sir , peace conduct ye .

Exeunt Fair. Sport . Betty . Tr.

Well now your worships pleas'd I hope — but stay , Where 's Betty ?

Sab.

She 's gone out with the gentlemen .

Tr.

Gone out with the gentlemen quoth a ? and I stand here .

Exit Trash . Val.

Your courteous invitation makes some recompence for the late scorne with which you did slight my honest zeale .

Sab. I doe acknowledge sir The error of my rashnesse , and begge pardon , I have inform'd my judgement better since ; And you appeare to my opinion More acceptable farre than when you first Presented your desires with your selfe , That now shall want no fitting entertainement To satisfie the first neglect . Val. I cannot deny , but that it made 〈…〉 Of some sad thoughts within me , but I 〈…〉 A little rectified , consideration Hath almost cur'd my passions , and my fire Of love is some what abated . Sab. The few houres Are added to my age , since you last saw me , Have made no wrinkles yet upon that beauty , To which you then did give large attributes , And to be cold so soone , argues 't was onely Your flattery and courtship . Val. Not so Lady , I ne're dissembled any false intents , My words were the true characters of my thoughts , Onely your scorne , — there t is . Sab. Sir I am alter'd much From that bad humor , and my heart hath tane A flame into it from the observation Of your compleate deservings , and is ready To answer your desires . Val. You engage me To a due gratitude , but I have setled New resolutions . Sab. Sir , ye are now revengefull , And punish scorne with scorne ; a gentle nature Wud not deny a reconciliation Vpon such tearmes ; but you suspect my freenesse . I blush to thinke on 't , and am sorry sir , The offer of my selfe is no more valued , Than thus to be refus'd , streight my servant Shall be your guide , and so I wish sweete peace To your faire thoughts . She offers to goe , he brings her backe . Val. They are the fairer , Lady , In that they have called backe your fairest selfe To be their object . Sab. Call not backe your humour To flatter me . Val. By my best hopes I doe not ; A Saints devotion 〈…〉 earnester , Or more free from hypocrisie hypocrisie than my love : I owne not a desire but what is yours ; And if agen you chide my forward zeale , My danger will be more in the relapse , Than in the first disease which you have cur'd ; In steed of healing Balmes , apply no Corrasives To my sicke heart , but gently entertaine My second motions , for next to Eternitie You are my happinesse . Sab. You did intimate That you had fixt upon some other beauty , From whose pure excellence , a brighter flame Is shot , than my dull eyes can sparkle forth ; If it be so I shall not envy it . Val. Your error Was a just motive I confesse , but when I said I had setl'd new resolutions , I did but dissemble , which pray pardon first , And then receive me to your faire opinion , By all the sacred powers , religious mortalls Invoke to make an oath of power to force Beleefe , you onely must be she , Or none ; in whose blest union I shall joy , And satisfie my kinreds expectation Of issue . Sab. Urge no more , My Faith takes all for truth , and in exchange Of your deare selfe , delivers up my selfe as freely . Val. This blest minute doth deserve A note in times large register . Sab. To morrow Let it have publike motion 'fore our friends ; And when you please the consummation Of our full joyes shall follow : Deare , farewell , I must to bed . Val. I will goe with ye sweet — Sab. Forbid ye chast directors of my soule , Desire shud be so forward ere the Ceremonies Confirme it lawfull . Val. Why shud we be nice , And stand upon the outside of our actions More than the substance , though we shud anticipate Those pleasures , since our vowes are past we neede not Have scruple , they 'le beget a second doubt , And make the earnestnesse of love suspected . Sab. O fie upon 't sir , doe not cloud your vertue With such a staine , y' are lovely to me yet , And shall be whilst y' are faithfull — I le to bed And wish you rest . Val.

Good night .

Sab. Are ye a man ? And wud not take A better leave of me ? Exit Sabina looking backe . Val. How looking backe , and leaving ope the doore , I le leave you such an earnest , if I can Prevaile , that you shall sweare I am a man . Exit after her .

Actus Tertius . Enter Fairefaith , Sportlove , and Trash . Fai.

MY cosin Valentine not yet return'd , say ye ?

Spo.

Not yet indeed sir .

Fai.

What d ee thinke shud be the reason ?

Spo.

T is not reveal'd to me sir ; but I thinke hee prevail'd with his Mistresse for a nights lodging , and that may be the cause of his long stay .

Tr.

He has staid something long indeede , but — I beleeve he will come home very shortly forsooth .

Fai.

I confesse I long to be acquainted with the issue of his enterprise .

Enter Valentine , Betty , Trash runnes to him . Tr.

Oh my sweete Master 's come agen .

Val.

I am so .

Tr.

And you are even as welcome sir , as ever poore Master was to a servant .

Val.

— Pray sweete heart returne , let not me trouble ye .

Bett.

No trouble sir , — if you have any other commands T' impose , I shall joy t' observe 'em .

Val.

Not I sweete heart , onely fare ye well . Exit Betty .

Tr.

O my sweete hony-suckle , art thou gone already .

Val.

Good starres , gentlemen .

Fai.

Faire morning to my sweete cosin , we hope health betides your Mistresse , and doe now expect to be gladded with the newes of a faire progresse to the end of your desires .

Val.

The end of my desires is even the desire of my end , for I have no joy on earth .

Fai.

What agen in these perplexities , whence come these clouds of discontent now ? — ye tooke no joy before because ye had no hope t' enjoy her , in whom ye had plac'd all your hopes and joyes , the cause of that distempers remov'd , what may occasion this — heavens know .

Spo.

Ye cannot tell sir , perhaps the letter was dissembl'd , and she in some idle humor might send for him to abuse him .

Val. O cosin Fairefaith , this gentlewoman — Fai.

What ? cannot she love yet ?

Val.

Yes — love ? O yes .

Fai.

Whence rise these distractions then ?

Val.

Even from her love .

Fai.

How ? can neither frownes nor smiles give ye satisfaction , t is some what strange , two meere contraries shud produce the very same effect .

Val.

She has with love undone her selfe and me .

Spo.

There 's some mysterie in 't without question .

Fai.

I pray sir untie these knotty expressions , for I cannot .

Val.

To be too prodigall of that , which once lost , the whole world cannot recover — weakenesse intolerable Admit I urg'd her ,

I 'de thought the treasures not of earth or sea Cud have perswaded such a brave borne minde , Vnto the pleasures of forbidden sheets . Fai.

O sir , is the winde in that corner now ?

Spo.

What d ee thinke of my opinion now sir .

Val. O cosin Fairefaith , had I beene a woman — Tr.

You wud have beene an arrant whore in my conscience . Aside .

Val. I say , if I had beene a woman cosin , Armies of Virgine resolutions shud Have still environd me : O misery ! Had she beene cautious in preserving that , That rien of immortality her honor ; Earth had not carried such a Paragon ; But now Her outward frame sets but the blacker dye Vpon her mindes deformity ; I 'me now resolv'd To hate those very thoughts that pitch upon So pure a peece of impurity . Tr.

Puh , what needes all this stirre Master , suppose yee have found her to want a graine or two , doe but consider of it , 't is nothing amongst friends ; alacke a day sir , the Goldsmith himselfe may be cosen'd with a light peece , an t shall please your worship .

Fai.

But will not ye visit her againe ?

Val.

Never — never .

Spo.

Nor send to her ?

Val.

No , neither my selfe , nor any one depends on me shall ere come there againe .

Tr.

O poore Betty , I shall ne're see thee againe , I perceive that .

Val.

Come cosin , I must be gone .

Fai. Sir , I shall intreate to be excus'd , I have engag'd my selfe to meete a friend , Which will expect me here immediatly . Farewell cosin . Exeunt Val. Sport . Trash . Trash turne , agen Tr.

d ee heare sir ?

Fai.

Come , what say you ?

Tr.

I have a strange thing come just now into my head sir , and that 's this sir ; there 's Newgate for Theeves , Bridewell for Whores , and Bedlam for Madfolkes , yet among all these I doe wonder there 's ne're a place for fooles .

Fai.

'T were a charitable foundation had a man meanes to doo 't with , your Master has an estate , and might doe well to thinke of such a thing .

Tr.

Ye say right sir indeede ; charitie shud begin at home , that 's the truth on 't — but let me tell yee sir , this gentlewoman does a little trouble my scull for all that .

Fai.

What a capcase were I in , if her sister shud be of the same stampe , what wud the world say , what wud men thinke ?

Tr.

What ? — they wud thinke ye were borne when the signe was either in Aries , Taurus , or Capricorne , that 's all they wud thinke for ought I know , and so fare yee well . Exit Trash .

Fair. Children and fooles tell truth , well If 't be my fate , there 's no remedy , Nor friend to flie unto in such a case But honest patience . Enter Mirabell . Stay , here she comes , I le see , If in her carriage I can reade my fortune — What my Mirabell — unexpected happinesse . Mir.

How d ee sir ?

Fai.

Better then I was .

Mir.

Why ? were ye sicke sir ?

Fai.

Suppose I had beene , or am , your presence wud beget a health immediatly , J confesse I was not even now so well as now I am , because I wanted thee which now I have sweetest .

Mir.

I shud be loth to be found wanting , when your occasions call upon my service sir .

Fai. Sweetly spoken faire Mirabell , But heare me , Admit I had a strange occasion now To try thy bosome , wudst thou be content To runne a hazard that might manifest Thy love and loyalty ? Mir There 's not a danger in the world can be So dreadfull to my thoughts , but I wud runne T' embrace it for the pleasure of my love ; But pray sir , what meane these doubts ? Fai.

Nothing faire one , onely a conceit .

Mir.

May it concerne me sir .

Fai.

Yes — 't is but a thing incident to all your Sexe .

Mir. Please you t' unlocke your minde sir , I le study what I can to purge your thoughts . Fai. T is onely this — I feare you are too coy , That 's all my feare , too coy Mirabell , too coy , Mir. Coinesse ! O heavens ! t is the only object of my scorne sir , I doe not thinke there 's such a thing i th' world , Or that kinde nature Was e're the mother of so vile a monster ; Were I perswaded that my veines contain'd , But the least dramme of such a peevish humor , Though 't kept my heart alive I de rince it out ; In a word I disdaine it . Fai.

My hopes say you doe .

Mir. Sir , if you please , Put your invention to the racke , Till it finde out some strange device to try Whether I 'me coy or no ; Breath but a syllable , and it straight commands The mind or person to serve Your pleasures . Fai. There 's not a tittle of a word in this , But has its quire of harmony ; But why doe I deferre so great a blisse ? Come , let love embraces crowne our sweete desires . Mir.

What d ee meane sir ?

Fai.

Onely a gentle taste of loves delicious sweets .

Mir.

What , before we marry ?

Fair.

Yes .

Mir.

Your reason .

Fai.

O it puts life into a patient expectation — come .

Mir.

Pray forbeare sir .

Fai. How ? forbeare ? What 's become of this present minuts protestations . Mir. I never dream'd that you Had ever sullied your well tutor'd soule With such a vile intention . Fai. Come , come , where twining hearts unite What neede these scruples ? Mir. Sir , Staine not your brest with such ignoble thoughts , T is true — I scorne proud coinesse , but I doe abhorre To thinke of this . Fai. O that those eyes Shud be the portalls to a heart of flint , I cannot endure it ; Come , come , I must needs satisfie my flames . Therefore no more excuse . Mir. Sir , ye have uttr'd words Doe breath an aire wud kill a Basiliske ; Call yee this love ? 'T is rather treason 'gainst Loves Majestie : Will you pretend t' expresse a love to me , And yet speake ruine to my reputation ; Banish these thoughts , or else for ever be A detestation to my bosome . Fai. Dwell in thy goodnesse , gentle love ; 'T was not to please a wanton appetite , Or spot thy shrine of Virgine puritie That I have spoke ; No it was onely but to trie the strength Of thy resolves in goodnesse , what before I did but love , I now admire ; But — If like thy sister thou hadst swarv'd a jot , From that integritie wherewith I see Thy minde is fortified , I shud have cut Thee off from my acquaintance . Mir. How 's this ? if like my sister , say ye ? What has she done , pray ye ? Fai.

No great hurt forsooth .

Mir.

If ye love me tell me sir .

Fai.

Now ye conjure me , I will . My cosin Valentine Crambagge that was so in love with her , it seemes he prevail'd with her a little too much , to give it ye in plaine termes he has lyen with her , glutted himselfe with the sweet spoiles of her virginity , and now for ought I heare by the vertue of Hocus Pocus , my gentleman s gone .

Mir. Accursed fate , Sabina thus dishonor'd , And by thy kinsman ? I feare too much of that detested blood Flowes in thy veines , henceforth I le not converse Either with thee or any other man That is of kindred to him , pray ye be gon , Your presence turnes my very stomacke up , Take 't as ye please , I must for e're discard ye . Fair.

Displeas'd with me for his faults ?

Mir.

T is all one , speake not — reply not — your sentence Is this — fare ye well .

Fai. I obey it — Exit Fairefaith . Mir. It has beene still observ'd since time begun That sweetest natures still are soonest wonne , This is the fate that usually attends Best dispositions : Poore women ! into how many fooles paridices are wee daily brought by these wicked men ! Enter Sir Timothy . Ah poore sister . Sir T.

How now , what ayles your sister now ?

Mir.

Nothing forsooth .

Sir T.

What does the wedding hold or no ? — ha ?

Mir.

Shee s wedded already sir .

Sir T.

How ? and I not know on 't ? what a forward sawcy girle 's this ?

But is she married indeede ?

Mir.

Yes , to misery , shame , and infamy .

Sir T.

What 's the matter girle ? — ha ? — speake — what 's the matter ?

Mir.

Hee that pretended so much love to her , I meane young Crambragge .

Sir T.

Ay — what of him ? — ha ? what 's the businesse I say ?

Mir.

O Sister , sister !

Sir T.

Daughter , I charge ye tell me what the matter is , what of young Crambagge ?

Mir.

He — that villaine has by smooth words wrought upon her gentle nature , to her perpetuall dishonor ; to tell ye the plaine truth sir , he has lyen with her , publish'd it abroad to her disgrace , and is now fled .

Sir T. — umph — lyen with her ? — and fled ? Is there no thunder left above the skye ? Is Iove growne deafe ? or has he sworne to lie A sleepe , and thus forget the earth ? Enter Trash . What 's your businesse sirra ? Tr.

Sir , my Master sent me to your worship , to tell your worship , that your worship needs not trouble your selfe about your daughters portion , for his mindes alter'd , and hee bid tell your worship that he wud intreate your worship to have patience .

Sir T.

Sirra , your Master 's a rascall , and you are another .

Tr.

O by no meanes , and please your worship .

Sir . T.

O Mirabell , me thought I had a good opinion of him , he had so civiliz'd her , and me thought had brought her to be the best natur'd girle :

Mercilesse fate , My passive fortitude wherewith I once Out-fac'd misfortune now is fled and gone , My daughter thus digrac'd ? What 's the reason I knew 't no sooner ? Mir. It comes too soone whensoever sir ; The messenger has heeles of lead that brings Good newes , but ill newes flye with Eagles wings . Sir T. Stand fast ye weake supporters of my age Henceforth my hand be pillow to my head , O my perplexed soule ! Cud I but leape now from some rockie top , Into the plunging swallow of the sea , 'T wud be some ease , Fetch her Mirabell , fetch her , Exit Mirabell . Alas I little dream'd of this . Tr.

Your worship might have dream'd on 't , for to my knowledge your worship was a sleepe in your bed when the businesse was done .

Sir T.

O that I had the rogue by the eares .

Tr.

I but he does not desire to give eare to yee .

Enter Mirabell , with Sabina very pensive Sir T.

Out ye strumpet , ye whore , does thou play the whore and looke me in the face ? hast thou playd the baggage ? hast thou playd the whore ? — Ha ? Out of my sight ye queane , get ye out . Exit Sabina .

O Mirabell is there no stones , nor water , fire nor sword to be revenged with — Ha ? Enter Hilts . Come Sir , you keepe a fine order here , I appoint you to over see my house , and you let gentlemen come in and lye revelling here all the night , you are a trusty Trojan you .

Hilts .

T is more then I know Sir , t is the first time I heard on 't , if I had seene the sawcy rascalls I wud have sent 'em further with a vengeance .

Sir T.

Abominable — thus to disgrace her selfe and me , where is she , did not I bid ye fetch her ?

Mir.

She has beene here Sir , and you sent her out againe .

Sir T.

Has shee ? I know not , these distractions do so confound me , that I forget the last minute : O daughter Mirabell what shud I doe ?

Tr.

Me thinkes your worship shud keepe alwayes a rope about your house against such a desperate case as this is .

Sir T.

Hilts take that rogue , and d ee heare , deliver him from me to the keeper of Bridewell — take him away I say .

Hilts .

Come Sir come , are ye come hither to jeere ?

Tr.

No Sir , I did not jeere Sir .

Sir T.

Take him away I say .

Hilts .

Come along come .

Tr.

Master Hilts , your master does but jest man .

Sir T.

Sir your master has abusd my house , and I le make him smart for t .

Tr.

T is like enough and please your worship , but shall I be punisht for the wickednesse of my Masters Codpeece , and please your worship , no no .

Sir T.

Carry him away I say .

Tr.

Your worship 's a merry Gentleman , you love to make sport I see that .

Sir T.

Hilts , I bid you once more carry him away , what d ee thinke to laugh me out of my resolutions ?

Hilts ,

Come your wayes sirra .

Tr.

Hilts is in sober sadnesse and please your worship .

Sir T. So am I too sirra , carry him I say — Hilts .

Was thou mad to talke thus to a Iustice of Peace , a Iustice of Corum horum rotulorum ? 't is as much as thy life's worth .

Sir T.

A prating sawcy rascall ; carry him away .

Tr.

I beseech your worship forgive me , good your worship .

Sir T.

Carry him away I say .

Tr.

Good your worship forgive me , I beseech your worship .

Sir T.

Well , let him goe for this time , get ye gone sirra .

Tr.

Yes and shall please your worship — gone quoth a ? I le see your worship hang'd before I le come neere ye againe .

Exit Trash . Sir T.

O Hilts , this wicked fellow has undone us .

Hilts .

Who d ee meane sir ? Mr. Crambagge ?

Sir T.

The same .

Hilts .

What has he done sir ?

Sir T.

What ? my cheeks wud burne to speake it , uncontrouleable fates — is there no pitty in your votes .

Hilts . Well , if I once meete with him — Sir T.

What then ?

Hilts .

I 'de make him an example to all the young lads in England , I wud fustinado the carkasse of him till the limbs of the rogue flew one from another , and then I wud beate 'em together againe .

Sir T.

No , no , if we shud hurt him Hilts , the Law wud be of his side .

Hilts .

Hurt him , no forsooth , I wud onely bestow a little timber upon the shoulders of him .

Sir T.

Pish , pish , come , goe your wayes to my cosin Muchcraft the Atturney , tell him I 'me comming to him for his advice ; in the meane time doe you put the Case to him for comming into the house at an unseasonable time of the night , goe your wayes , I le be with ye presently .

Exeunt Sir Tim. and Mir. at one doore , Hilts at another . Enter Valentine and Fairefaith . Fai.

Your father's comming after us here .

Val.

Where is he ? Enter Sir Plent.

Sir P.

O sonne — I have beene so abus'd — nay , and a hundred to one but I had beene soundly basted too , and all this to please thee .

Fair.

As how pray sir ?

Sir P.

I went to treat with sir Timothy about the marriage , and because I stood upon a portion , old Testy was pleas'd to call me a thousand rascalls ; and in the heate of the businesse ( O my armes ! ) comes me in that same great horse-bon'd Hilts , and so shakes me ; well sonne , I le even walke in , if any body come to pay money tell 'em I 'me within , if they come for money , tell 'em I 'me not well , for this fellow has so bruis'd my armes that I 'me not able to tell it ; d ee heare what I say , to ye sonne ? Exit Valentine saying nothing as displeas'd . Nay lowre and pout till Doomsday , t is all one , I will have money before I give my consent , come , come , tell mee no more tales — love quoth a ? If I had married for love cosin , I had beene a rogue , a foole , a begger ; no , no sonne , I must have money , and I will have mony .

Fai.

Sir , the last night your sonne went to see his Mistresse , and prevail'd so farre with her , that to tell you the naked truth , they lay together all night ; he perceiving her so easily wonne to wantonnesse , and fearing hereafter she might be a little too liberall of her entertainement , has cast her quite off now feares your displeasure for his too much forwardnesse , and that 's the cause of his sadnesse .

Sir P.

How ? lay with her — 't is not possible .

Fai.

Not for a gentleman to lie with a hansome wench , why , 't is one of the possiblest things that can be sir .

Sio P.

I 'ame sorry to heare it cosin , but I 'me glad hee has put her off , a company of rascalls , they are serv'd well enough , I warrant ye , the poore boy hearing how her father had abus'd me , cud not finde in 's heart to love her a jot longer ; yet for all that cosin , I like not 's humor in this , that he cannot talke with a woman but he must be jobbing presently , I doe not like that I must tell ye — well 't is done and past now .

Fai.

I but I 'me afraid you 'le heare on 't again , sir Timothy intends to clap him up till he has made satisfaction , but pray sir voyce it not that I told ye .

Sir P.

Will he so ? tell him , I le see him hang'd by the necke in the high way to Paddington first ; he clap him up ? he shall not have so much as a haire of his head except it were to choak himselfe with , and yet my sonne shall goe up and downe , aye , and job him upon the nose too and hee shall not know him ; and if you please tell him , that I 'me resolv'd before I have done with him , so bitterly to vexe him , that he shall be glad to come with a rope in 's hand , and make a humble petition to the Hingman , that he may have lycence to hang himselfe to save his cloathes — come along . Exeunt .

Enter Mirabell , Kate . Mir. Not vexe ? Why ? Doe you thinke there is a woman lives . That has a sister abus'd as mine And not yet be vext ? To them Fairefaith . To bring a maid into this misery , And all under loves pretence : This is your kinsman sir , your owne flesh and blood sir . Fai. The more sorry am I forsooth ; But if you 'le please to entertaine my vowes , Of reall love and service once againe Into your better thoughts , I le use a meanes That shall preserve her honour from the dust , If not abhorre me . Mir. Let your heart and tongue but correspond And you enslave my soule . Fai. I have already hammer'd in my scull , A vindication that shall make her name Shine to posteritie . Mir. The boundlesse Ocean of your goodnesse drownes The slender nite of what I can returne . Enter Sabina . Here she comes , if ye can doe her a favour , Both she and I will be glad to snatch all Opportunities to expresse our thankefull minds sir . Fai.

Ladies , thus it is , hee has disguis'd himselfe , goes in womans apparell , if ye please I le bring ye to him , where , if there be occasion , you shall command my best assistance .

Kate .

Pray ye sir where is the place ?

Fair.

It is at A Shoomakers house in the Strand , but that 's all one , follow me . Exeunt Omnes .

Much.

Budget . Enter Muchcraft , Budget .

Bud.

Sir .

Much.

Have ye drawne William Woodcocks plea to Tristram Widgroms declaration — ha ?

Bud.

No sir , the cause is remov'd , Woodcocke fearing to be overthrowne at Common Law , comes with a pittifull long bill , makes a case of conscience on 't , and so is flowne away .

Much.

Is he so ? if I had knowne that Budget , I wud have Pluckt his feathers a little first , but 't is no matter , let him goe . Enter Hilts legging and scraping . What 's your errand fellow ?

Hilts .

Fellow ? Sir I 'me none of your fellowes , not I .

Much.

I beleeve ye are not , what s your businesse before me ?

Hilts .

Sir I doe not come to doe my businesse before you .

Much.

What meane these frivolous answers ? Whose man are ye sir ?

Hilts .

My masters sir .

Much.

Very good — what mad man are you pray ?

Hilts .

Mad sir , no more than your selfe — mad sir ? — umph .

Much.

Nay let him alone Budget , wee shall have a brave action of battery here by and by .

Hilts .

Sir , I belong to the right worshipfull Sir Timothy Testy ; my master sent me for your Vice , the Case is this ; a Gentleman comes into my masters house at an unreasonable time of the night contrary to my Masters knowne will and command , whether is this a trespasse or no ?

Much.

No , no , prethee doe not trouble me , I 'me a little busie . Enter sir Tim.

Sir T.

Cosin Muchcraft , how d ee sir ?

Much.

Sir Timothy Testy , you are kindely welcome sir , how d ee sir ?

Sir T.

Never worse cosin , — even almost dead with griefe , most abominably abus'd .

Much.

Wherein , pray ye sir ? Gives him a fee.

Sir Tim.

That I will tell more at large hereafter sir , not onely a peece , but my whole love attends ye sir — the case is this ; a Gentleman comes into my house , at an uncivill and unseasonable time of the night , contrary to my knowne will and command ; a Trespasse or no ?

Much.

A trespasse : a transcedent crime sir ; a most foule matter , I le assure ye ; your man did not put the Case to mee in this manner .

Sir T.

Not ? ye whoreson blockhead , are yee not able to speake to a man ? wherefore doe I keepe ye ? — ha ?

Hilts .

I cud not , I had not instructions in my pocket .

Much.

'T is well enough sir , both Law and Equitie supports your cause ; come , wee 'le walke out and talke of it .

Sir T.

Your tongue drops honey cosin , and you have revived my staggering spirits :

And now though time and age , Cover my head with honorable haires , Yet — Since raies of Sunny thoughts peepe out agen , I le strive to quell these passions — come Sad sighes , and teares are Oratours of griefe , But 't is an active braine that brings releefe . Exeunt omnes .

Actus Quartus . Enter Fairefaith , Sabina in mans apparell , Sportlove , Trash , and Hilts . Fair.

Come , pray sir doe not thinke on 't .

Sab. How shall I stand by and see . A gentlewoman of my kindred wrong'd ? Be patient ? And my kinred thus abus'd ? my proper flesh And blood disgrac'd , our reputation turn'd Quite topsie turvie , nay , and all this done By a lascivious villaine ? No , no , Nothing but 's blood shall pacifie my sword ; Had but the slave as many thousand lives As there doe graines of sand surround the sea , There wud be scope to vent my fury on ; But now 't is circumscrib'd within the verge Of one poore rascalls life , whose blood will scarce Give satisfaction to my thirsty steele : Come sir , I doe perceive you know his haunts , which if ye doe , I doe conjure ye here to bring him forth ; And if you will , or dare to second him , I le stand ye both . Fai. Sir , on my life I vow , The place of his abodes unknowne to me ; They say he 's fled and gone : T is true , I had Some conversation with him , but I was A stranger to his thoughts and actions ; And where this time hee does bestow himselfe T is not knowne to me . Sport .

Sirra , what say you ? where 's your Master ?

Tr.

Ah , I wud I cud tell ye , he has left me in a pittifull case here , if old sir Plenteous doe not take pitty upon me , I must even go and drive Wheele-barrowes in Lincolnes-Inne-fields , for ought I know .

Fai.

Alas poore fellow , I 'me sorry for that , what canst doe ?

Tr.

I have a qualitie sir , but the world now adayes does not respect men of parts .

Fai.

What i st ?

Tr.

A Bagge-piper , an 't shall please your worship ,

Fai.

A Bagpiper ?

Tr.

Yes indeede sir , as simple as I stand here , I have plaid before as good Beares as be in the Kingdome of England .

Fair.

Where dost live now ?

Enter Valentine in womens apparrell . Tr.

Sir , in the meane time J waite upon the Lady that lies in the house here .

Val.

Trash .

Tr.

Madam .

Val.

Come ye hither .

Sab.

Vnhappy eyes ye have undone my heart .

Tr.

I come forsooth .

Sab.

Stay faire one , stay ,

Val.

Speake ye to me sir ?

Sab. I doe , But first , I doe intreate you will be pleas'd To smile upon my rashnesse , then must I Perforce enforme ye , that just now I felt A blow upon my heart , which I conceive Was darted from your eyes . Val.

Your conceit was in an error sir .

Sab. O no , I see betwixt those brests Is Adons garden , and Elisiums love , Kisses her , And from these lippes proceedes an ayre transcends Sabean spices , or the Phoenix nest ; Lady , Be pleased to let this Jewell pride it selfe Betweene those snowie hills , and you engage My soule unto your selfe . Gives her a Iewell . Val.

My gratitude entertaines your loving directions sir , A word sir , Valen. and Sport . goe aside . What gentleman is this ? me thinkes he much resembles Sabina Testy , know ye him not ?

Sport .

Not I , I met him here by chance , it matters not who 't is , take you his gifts — and be sure to yeeld what hee would have yee doe , and wee shall want neither gold nor jewels , I see that : and d ee heare , you will by this meanes put such a tricke upon your sweete-hearts Champion as never was , — and in the issue it will be found to be but a jest , there 's and end .

Sab.

Pray accept of this .

Tra.

I were to blame if I shud not sir ; Wheelebarrowes , quoth a ? I le see 'em all hang'd first , a hansome gentlewomans service is as good as fee taile , I see that .

Sab.

Me thinkes Lady , you much resemble a gentleman I know , one Mr. Valentine Crambagge , one that I wud be every glad to see .

Val.

I know the gentleman sir , he is , I take it , a friend to one Mistresse Sabina Testy .

Sab. A friend , Had she beene dead when first she saw his face , She had beene happy . Val.

Pray you why sir ?

Sab. Has done her that dishonor , That time can never raze out of memory ; And in regard she is my neerest cosin , The sad remembrance of it teares my heart Into a thousand shivers ; But now your presence like the morning Sunne Drives off these melancholy mists wherein My soule did sometimes wander . Val.

Sir , I am yours .

Sab.

O the sweetnesse of those words !

Tr.

Nay , there 's a pound of Sugar almost in every word she speakes sir .

Sab. Let s mixe our selves . But first , let Hymen with a wedding knot Knit up our soules . Val.

O no sir .

Sab.

Nay you are now my captive .

Val.

I hope I shall easily procure my redemption .

Sab. Thy very hearts thy ransome , nothing shall , But onely that redeeme thee . Val. I doubt not sir , but your owne goodnesse will plead my excuse ; For know , I did Set up a resolution long agoe , Never to marry . Sport .

Pish .

Sab.

How , not marry ?

Fair.

Remember what I told you cosin ; Sir , I know shee will be perswaded , but that gentlewomen , yee know , thinke it a kinde of disparagement to be too soone wone , that 's all sir .

Sab.

Pray expresse your intentions Lady .

Val.

I have already sir .

Sab.

And is that your resolution ?

Val.

Indeede it is sir .

Sab. Why then I le tell yee mine : I 'me now in quest of this detested slave That wrong'd my cosin , and doe hope ere long To vindicate her quarrell , therefore know , If thou 'lt not marry me immediatly , Those lookes that doe so much resemble his , Shall whet my sword against thee , nay , convert My love to fury , and shall sacrifice Thy blood , to expiat my kindreds wrong ; Therefore I must , nay more , I will enjoy ; Despight of fate I will ; My quike desires doe chide my patience , And thou must yeeld or die , than quickly speake ; I cannot stand to waite upon discourse : But by the way consider , that ye are now To give a sentence either of life or death , Vpon your selfe , take heede ; if ye say aye , You live my darling , but if no , you die . Val.

Sir , I consent to marry , and am content to be dispos'd of as you shall please .

Sab.

Your breath is musicke now , come le ts along .

Tr.

Why , but sir , you will not carry away my Mistresse I hope in this manner , will ye ? and I have but newly got her neither — slid , these are tricks indeede ?

Sab.

Sirra , there 's for you hold you , your peace , it is my humor . Gives him money .

Tr.

Blesse your worship sir , and keepe ye in this humor still say I . Exeunt omnes .

Enter sir Plenteous , Muchcraft , Budget . Much.

Well sir , I heare ye , but yee have not spoke toth purpose yet .

Sir P.

Accept this from me sir , I le proove sir , that my sonne was invited and sent for , and that her maide and she both us'd all meanes possible to allure him thither . Gives him a fee.

Much.

Ay , now you have spoke home sir , this is something now , I feele your cause a little better , and thus much for your comfort , never trouble your selfe Enter sir Timothy standing privately to heare the passages , chasing and stamping . about it , I le take such a course that his cause shall ne're proceed I le warrant yee , alas sir Timothy's cause is not worth the legge of a Fly , and yet he does so torment my house , that I can neither eate , drinke , nor sleepe ; yee know Budget how often I have desir'd him to forbeare my house , and yet all will not doe .

Bud.

I wish hee were hang'd , he makes me tell a hundred lies in a weeke in telling him ye are not within , of purpose to be rid of him .

Sir . T.

Here 's a rogue .

Much.

Alasse for 's businesse , were my case , if any body wud but give me a sawcer of Mustard for 't , he shud have it .

Sir T.

Sawcy rascall .

Much.

Suppose he brings his action , what can he doe in 't ? — not this , t is true , he wud have retain'd me to have taken out a Writ against ye , but when I perceived that it was nothing but a malicious humor , I bid him goe and be hang'd with this brabbles , I wud not be troubled with 'em .

Sir ▪ T.

Very good , but you were willing enough to be troubled with my money , I have heard you all this while , and this your sucking knave too .

Much.

Sir Timothy , come , come , I me glad you are come , I me glad you are here with all my heart , come , I must have you made friends by all meanes .

Sir T.

Friends ? I le see him stand bare to the taile of a Cart first , I friends with him ? — hang him rascall .

Sir . P ,

Sir , I make no doubt but I shall make you know , and your daughter too before I have done with her , that shee has abus'd my sonne , I cannot tell , I will not say she has bewitch'd him , but if I prove it , I le make ye all stinke with a vengeance .

Sir T.

Why , ye worme-eaten slave , does my daughter looke like a Witch ?

Sir P.

Budget , pray ye put downe worme-eaten slave , and the day of the moneth too , bee heare ?

Sir T.

Didst not come thy selfe ( you whorson gull ? )

Sir P.

Write ye whoreson gull .

Budg.

Yes sir .

Sir T.

Didst not come , thy selfe , I say to know what portion I wud give her ? Now I find it was but a meere pretence , ye cheating rogue you .

Sir P.

Write ye cheating rogue you .

Budg.

Yes forsooth .

Sir T.

If my man Hilts were here I wud beate thy very nose into thy face , and afterwards beat it out agen .

Sir P.

What wud ye doe sir ?

Much.

Nay pray gentlemen forbeare while ye are in my house .

Sir P.

I can forbeare him no longer .

Much.

Come sit Timothy , pray goe along with me .

Budg.

Sir Plenteous , pray ye goe along with me sir .

Sir T.

Prethee let me beate the rogue first .

Much.

Nay come sir , come , come .

Exit Muchcraft with Sir Thomas , Budget with sir Plen. Enter Sabina , Valentine , Fairefaith , Sportlove , Trash , Rowland . Sab. Why so ? This is the crowne of all our joyes on earth , When love and marriage trippe it hand in hand , Jt makes the minde to vault And caper o're the clouds of discontent ; Me thinkes my soule has wings and I cud fly , From hence t' Elizium , come cheere up my sweete , What art thou sad , and see thy husband laugh ? Come now we are married , we must have but one Passion betwixt us — Gentlemen what ? Frownes at a Wedding ? Fair. How ? frownes ? Shud a man seeme to droope or hang the wings At such a time , he were farre fitter for T' accompany wild Tygers in a wood , Then to converse with men , the gods themselves Sing Epithalamies , when mortals wed , If Gods are subject to these passions , then They needes must over-sway the hearts of men ; Sir , joyes attend ye , may you ever be As full of joyes , as we are now to see Your happy Nuptialls : Pish , be not so sad cosin . Sport . Come leave this dull discourse , and let us fill , Our active soules up to the brimme with joy ; Come ,

Sings . FArewell this company , If you love sadnesse , For melancholy is , Nothing but madnesse ; Hang up proud costly cloathes , Pedlers and pack toyes ; Let us make the hogs-heads weepe , Claret and sacke boyes .

Are there no Fidlers in this world ? Ro.

Sir , I wud they wud come once , my very heeles are up i th' aire already me thinkes in this humour , I cud wish the whole world were a Morrice dance for foure & forty houres outright .

Tra.

O thou egregious puppy , if the whole world were a Morris dance for foure and fortie houres outright , what shud , nay , what does thou thinke wud the good people of New England doe all that while .

Row .

I doe thinke they wud pray for a timely cessation of the noise of the superstitious bells hanging about their knees .

Tr.

A most damnable witch in my conscience .

Sab.

Come sweet-heart , rush up your spirits , put on a resolution to be jocund ; thinke but on what must passe betwixt us two this very night ;

How I must revill in thy armes , and then How thou must tumble in my bosome ; And that I know will be enough to purge Sad contemplations . Val. Sir , pray you excuse me ; Troublesome thinges doe whisper in my eare , Which for the present J cannot expell . Fai.

Pish .

Sab. Doe not heede or nusle the least sad thought At such a time , tell 'em some other time You 'le sit and heare their grievances . Sport .

Ay , ay , doe so , what ? upon your joviall day be sad ? but where be these Fidlers ?

Musi.

We are come sir .

Sport . Pray ye play then . Come , a song , a song .

A Song . IOy , health , and pleasure , waite upon This louely paire , May all your dayes like to this one Be void of care , And may those twinkling starres of night Attend your bed , That so the bridegroome may get right Your maydenhead . And let Arabian odours then Perfume thy sheets ; Strewing thy chamber once agen With daintie sweets , Then let these pretty thoughts that move A flame in Cupids fires , Bring ye to bed where you may prove The things that love desires .

Sab. Come , these Nuptiall rites being done , It now remaines we speed it to the bed , Where we will arme in arme discourse and act Loves pretty handy dandyes — Gentlemen — speake — Has not my starres beene kinde , To grace my Fortunes with so faire a blisse . Fai. Sir , ye enjoy a happinesse beyond Expression or compare . Tr.

Nay sir , I le promise ye this , that as long as she is your wife , no man breathing shall ere bring Acteons punishment upon your head — I will not say what the woman may doe , and that 's a rare blessing Rowland betwixt you and me , I can tell yee .

Sab. Me thinkes I see My selfe now dandl'd on the knee of Fate . Sport . Sir , you doe now embrace A richer veine than ere the Sunne beheld , And I presume none save your onely selfe , Whose presence is a treasure of enchantments , Could have prevail'd so farre with her , whose eye Ne're yet cast glance of love upon a man , Therefore doe I pronounce You th' onely minion both of Fame and Fate . Row .

Nay , you are a happy man , that 's certaine sir , if all men had such wives , we shud have a strange world , for then we shud be troubled neither with children nor cuckholds .

Sab. Well gentlemen golden slumbers attend ye , Come faire one , come , we have too long defer'd The love embraces of the marriage bed , O how it rapps my soule to thinke that I This very houre with my faire love must lie , Rak't up in cinders , love may burne , but when It ' gin's to flame , it fires both gods and men ; Come . Val.

Pray ye sir forbeare a little .

Sab.

I will sweet-heart .

Val.

Cosin Fairefaith , a word , you have brought me here upon a businesse will utterly disgrace me ; what will this gentleman thinke of me d ee thinke , when he findes that I have gull'd him thus .

Fair. Come , come , put your feates to sleepe , Sab.

Nay , come sweete-heart , why these delayes ?

Row .

Pray yee sir deale gently with her , she 's yong and fearefull to lie with a man , and that 's the businesse sir , that makes her so loth t' unpin .

Tr.

Alas poore soule , in my conscience you had rather lie with a woman , than with these rude men behalfe , wud not ye forsooth ?

Sab.

Come , give me your hand .

Val.

Good sir .

Sab.

Why ? what 's the matter ?

Val.

Nothing sir .

Sab.

Nothing ? I know t is something ; are not you well ?

Val.

Yes forsooth .

Sab.

What 's the reason yee will not goe to bed then ? pray ye come without more adoe .

Fair.

Fie upon 't cosin , a woman wud scorne these things .

Tra.

Nay , yee are i th' right sir , I doe beleeve she wud defie it .

Sab.

Come , what 's the businesse with ye ? will ye not goe to bed — ha ?

Val.

Sir , I le consider of it presently .

Sab. How , consider of it ? Am I a man ? a married man ? or what ? Am I a husband ? must a husband then Entreate his wife ? Is Nature growne so old she has forgot To teach her children what belongs unto Their different places ? Although before I was content to bend My spirits to your foote , yet know , that now The will of Fate has destin'd me to be Next under it the sole , commander of Your minde and person , therefore now I must , Nay , I will be obey'd . Tra.

Pray ye doe not fright her too much , she 's a very tender hearted thing forsooth — pray ye speake her faire .

Sab.

Hold you your prating sirra , she shall observe my will now .

Tra.

You 'le never doe good sir with foule meanes .

Row .

By your favour my friend , I know this out of my owne knowledge , that a froward sharpe husband will presently make a woman doe what she list .

Sab.

Stoppe your mouthes .

Tra.

Sir , for my part I will not stop my mouth , I understand what I say sir , I 'me a married man my selfe sir , and 't is well knowne to be true , that I cud never yet get any thing of my wife by harsh words .

Sab.

Once more I bid you hold your babling .

Tra.

Sir , she shall not goe to bed till shee has a minde to goe to bed , nor I will not hold my babling neither sir .

Val.

Hold your peace Trash .

Tra.

Yes forsooth .

Sab.

You 'le close your mouth by and by I hope .

Tra.

Yes marry will J sir , but not at your bidding sir : what now — what d ee thinke I 'me a foole in a Play ?

Sab.

Will you hold your tongue or no ?

Tra.

Yes forsooth and please your worship .

Sabina takes hold of him , and offers to strike him . Sab. This insolence I cannot beare , And for your part you are my wife , and one In whom obedience ought to be exprest , And I your top . Trash .

Ay , you want but a little whipping .

Sab.

What say you sirra ?

Tr.

I say , a woman that has a good husband , and all things else , and will not goe to bed , wants nothing but whipping .

Sab. Well , 't is thus , If milde intreaties , nor a gentle fawne ; Nor protestations , nor a husbands love Can mollifie thy Stubbornesse , nor bring Thy sturdy disposition to my hand ; I le for a time quite turne out of my thoughts A husbands pitties , and where smiles did faile , A lustie bastinado shall perswade — What shall I be bafled thus Out of my pleasures with a womans blush ; I st fit that I stand pleading where my starres Bid me command ? I scorne it , therefore speake This very present minute , nay before You fetch more breath , speake either ay , or no , Or I must strike , there 's no remedy . Row .

We shall have the Peace broken , here presently , I see that .

Tr.

Peace , quoth a ? nay and my head be not broken I care not .

Sport .

Come , she is content to goe sir .

Sab.

Give the word .

Val.

Sir , I will goe to bed .

Sab.

Come your wayes then .

Exit Sabina leading Valentine ; Trash falls into a laughter . Tr. d ee heare gentlemen , d ee heare ? What if this gentleman shud get my Master with childe now ? Sport .

Nay , what if your Master shud get that gentleman with childe .

Tra.

I cannot tell what hee may doe for men , but I ne're knew him doe such a courtesie for a woman yet .

Row .

Mr. Fairefaith , pray tell me one thing , why did you being my Masters kinsman , and an old souldier stand so patiently , and see him so affronted .

Tra.

J that 's true indeede Rowland , he being an old beaten souldier too .

Fair.

A beaten souldier ?

Tr.

An old souldier I meane sir .

Fair.

I confesse I had no disposition to medle in 't , because J know they 'le agree themselves , I know the bowels of the businesse , which you doe not , come , goe along , and by the way I le tell ye the plot .

And then wee 'le bring this newes To blesse the eares of old sir Timothy , Come — Strength I confesse may make a Gyant yeeld , But give me policie to winne the field . Exeunt omnes .

Actus Quintus . Enter Mirabell , Hilts before , and Kate behinde . Mir.

O My poore sister !

Kate .

There 's no question but we shall finde her , how long has she beene wanting forsooth ?

Mir.

A great while Kate , a little faster , what shall I tread upon your heeles ? — not so fast neither .

Hilts .

What the devill ayles ye ? too soft , and then too fast , here 's more adoe with you , than with all the Pageants in my Lord Majors show ; he that waites on you , had neede to have his steppes prick'd out with a paire of Compasses , for ought I see .

Mir.

What a surly groome are you , may not one speake to you ?

Hilts .

Speake ? yes forsooth you may speake , but I doe not love to walke before a Gentlewoman like one of these gingerly youthes that goe before their Mistresses , as if the streets were pav'd with egges , not I .

Kate .

Why , how now sir sawce boxe , what is 't all fellowes with ye , ye filthy , stinking , sawcy , dirty , scabbed , paltry , lousie , mangie rogue ye .

Hilts .

Heyda , Mistresse Iuniper , what 's the matter with you tro ? you were not us'd to be so snappish , I 'me sure on 't , I have both gone and rid before you , and you ne're found fault with it .

Kate .

O ye lying rascall , did ye ever ride before me in your life ?

Hilts .

Yes marry have I forsooth .

Kate .

'T is as false a tale Mistresse as ever was told ; 't is true , he rid before me one night a little short journey ; 't was nothing , I cud even a gone as farre a soote upon the matter .

Hilts .

Who doubts that forsooth ?

Kate .

Why will you lie then ye rascall ?

Hilts .

Why , what s the businesse ? what the mischiefe ayles ye ? sure ye have not made water today I thinke .

Mir.

Come Hilts come , you shud beare with her .

Hilts .

Beare forsooth , shee shud beare , shee 's us'd too ' it , more than I am forsooth .

Kate .

What shud I beare pray ? suffer such an Asse as you to ride upon my backe , shud I not ?

Hilts .

Why not ? aswell as alwayes upon your belly forsooth ?

Mir.

Come , come , pray ye goe along , we have something else to thinke on than stand here .

Kate .

Very well sir , I shall thinke upon your words .

Hilts .

This way forsooth ?

Mir.

Yes , yes , goe on .

Enter Sir Timothy with officers meeting them . Sir T.

How now daughter , whether are you going ?

Mir.

To see if I can finde my sister sir .

Sir T.

Come , come , doe not trouble your selfe to no purpose , I have order'd it already , I le have these men goe that have authority to make the doores and gates flie open where they come and goe , and d ee heare Officers , looke too ' it , and be sure to search very narrowly the places that I told ye of , and especially the house where young Crambagge is suspected to lie , and if yee finde either one or both of 'em , bring 'em away , d ee heare ?

Offi.

We shall sir . Exeunt Officer .

Sir T.

Daughter , I rather thinke ( to put her selfe out of th -way of this approaching disparagement ) shee has runne her selfe upon some desperate course .

Mir.

But d ee thinke these men will finde her sir ?

Sir T.

I cannot tell , wee shall know presently .

Kate .

Doe not weepe Mistresse , I hope shee 's well , and will be here agen shortly .

Sir T.

Come , come , le ts have no weeping .

Hilts .

Doe not you greeve , and for them 't is not a pinne matter , let them alone , weeping is as wholesome for a woman sir as making of water .

Mir. Had she but bid farewell 'T wud not have troubled me so much ; But thus to goe away — Hilts .

Ne're feare , shee 's well enough I le warrant ye .

Sir T. Oh Hilts , Her high borne spirit cannot brooke disgrace , And I doe feare these mischiefes will provoke Some violent hand upon her selfe ; yet me thinks one thing Whispers my understanding in the eare , And tells me she is safe ; There 's not a jewell , ring , or bracelet left That ere she wore , but is convey'd away . Hilts .

Nay then sir feare nothing , for if shee had so much wit to carry away her rings and jewells , she has wit enough to keepe her selfe from killing or drowning , I warrant ye .

Sir T. O heavens ! With what a swinge is youth , Hurri'd along the world and subject still , Vnto the rule of an unbridl'd will : Oh! Pitty those Parents then , who oftentimes Are brought unto their graves by children crimes ; In , in , and comfort your selfe ; I le see these Officers dispatcht away , Exeunt Hilts , Mirabell , Kate at one doore , Sir Timothy at the other . Enter Valentine unbutton'd as out of bed . Val.

Rowland , Rowland , Rowland ; I say .

Enter Rowland as newly awaked . Row . What 's the matter here ? Wast you that call'd sir ? Val.

It was I .

Ro.

What wud ye have sir , are not ye well ?

Val.

I wud I were .

Ro.

I 'me sorry you are not well sir ?

Val.

Call Trash , call Trash .

Ro.

Trash , Trash .

Tr.

What 's the matter ? Within .

Ro. Come presently , you master 's not well ; Hes comming sir , what wud ye please to have sir ? Val.

Nothing , nothing at all .

Enter trash yawning and rubbing his eyes . Tr.

Rowland , where art foole ?

Ro.

Here , here man , whether dost goe ?

Tr.

What 's the matter Rowland — ha ?

Ro.

Your Master 's not well here .

Tr.

Not well ? O alas ! I le runne and fetch some hot water presently .

Val.

Stay , whether d ee goe ? come your wayes hither , what will you fetch man , I 'me not sicke .

Tr.

Not ? you 're but a yawling rascall Rowland for waking of me , I was in the daintiest sleepe , and the sweetest dreame ; me thought my Master was in bed with the bravest wench —

Val.

'T was too true .

Tr.

How ? was it too true ? introth , I thanke yee for nothing , you ne're dream'd so for me I 'me sure on 't .

Val.

O Rowland , I 'me undone , I 'me undone .

Ambo .

What 's the matter sir ?

Row .

I le warrant yee the gentleman that went to bed with him , finding himselfe cosen'd has kill'd himselfe , or one mischiefe or other , I thought no good wud come on 't .

Val.

No , no , 't was a woman all the while , 't was a woman .

Tr.

'T was a woman good man simple , what ? dost thou thinke that I dreame out of Aesops Fables ?

Row .

'T wud vexe a man to marry in jest , and then to have it prove plaine earnest , I le assure yee that .

Val.

O Trash , I 'me undone .

Tr.

Why undone sir , why d ee say so , and please your worship .

Val. I me married man , I 'me married with a vengeance , Tr.

Why so am I too sir ; but how shud we helpe it , can ye tell that sir .

Val.

O Rowland , what shall I doe ? where shall I goe ? where shall I runne ?

Row .

Run quoth a ? nay , if you 'r married once , I le trust ye for running .

Val.

I am married , and I know not to whom , did I but know that .

Trash .

That 's no great matter , 't is but going to the Church Booke , and you may know that presently .

Val.

Accursed Fate , what marriages might I have had ? to what a pitch might I have mounted up my fortunes ? which now I see are nothing but confusion :

Who knowes what strumpet this may be , Some queane for ought I know , that thinkes to raise Her selfe out of my ruines : Now my perplexed thought begin to burne With flames of guilt : Now comes my trembling soule unto the barre Of my owne knowledge : O Sabina , Sabina ! The gods now tumble vengeance on my head For wrongs to thee ; Had I beene well advis'd , O then I might Have layne by thy faire side , where every touch : Had beene as tender as a bed of downe . And every smile a heaven ; But 't is too late , To call backe what is past , it was my fate , And there 's an end ; Now am I round entrench'd with miseries ; One side a marriage nips me in the bud ; On th' other side , a rankrous enemie , Old Testy , who still gazes on the print Of our mistaken step , therefore 't is now No time to pause , packe up my cloathes this night , I doe intend to save my selfe by flight : Trash , about it presently . Tr.

Yes and please your worship .

Val.

But d ee heare , let not my Landlady , nor her husband have so much as a glimpse of it , for I have no money for 'em .

Tr.

Nay sir , if you intend to travell , be sure ye take all your money along with ye , especially if you meane to be merry , for you shall finde that money is the most daintie companion sir ; but Rowland , d ee heare ? scatter no words .

Val.

By no meanes .

Row . Not a word sir ; Exeunt Valentine and Trash , manet Rowland . Travell quoth a ? here 's a peece of worke indeede : Enter Welt and his Wife . O Mr. Welt , how d ee sir , how does my Landlady — ha ? Welt.

Very well , how d ee you Rowland ?

Row .

Troth , pretty well , Servingman like , carelesse of much , proud of a little , drunke for want of wit , and sometimes sober for want of money .

Welt.

I thought ye had beene sicke , because I have not seene yee this long time .

Row .

Sicke quoth a ? my pockets are a little cowardly now and then indeede , that 's all my sicknesse .

Welt.

What ? wud ye have 'em quarrelsome ?

Row .

Quarrelsome ? no , but I wud have 'em to have a little more mettall in 'em for all that .

Welt.

Wher 's your Master pray ?

Row .

Nay I know not , I have not seene him this sixe houres .

Welt.

There is a little money due to me from him , I wish he wud take the payment of it into consideration , I have extraordinary occasion to use the money , if he please to let me have but some of it , it will doe mee a courtesie , he shall finde me reasonable .

Wife

How idlely you talke husband ? Is that a way to live in the world , doe you thinke it is for my ease to have gentlemen come , and lie in my house , and goe away and pay nothing — ha ?

Welt.

Pay ? yes good sweetheart , why shud he not pay ; there 's no body speakes against that , sweetheart .

Wife .

Why doe you talke so foolishly then of being reasonable , and I cannot tell what , I doe not like such words I tell ye truely ; — reasonable quoth a ? Eate my meate , drinke my drinke , burne my wood , foule my roomes , weare my sheets , make use of my servants , and yet I must be reasonable ; if ye can talke no wiselier before folkes , pray ye hold your peace and let your wife speake — besides , yee know he owes me both for bootes , shooes , and pantables , and I shall give him that too shall not I ? no indeede forsooth , I wud have your Master to know that I do not buy my lether so cheape , I le assure ye — be reasonable quoth a ? besides , I have promis'd to pay Mr. Sugerbox the Chandler , nutmegges and sugar for his mornings draughts , and Mr. Dash the Vintener for wine in 's chamber , and shall I pay them before your Master has paid me — introth I doe not meane it .

Row .

'T is fit a gentleman shud pay you before , that 's the truth of it .

Wife .

Ye say right Rowland , I see you have more consideration with yee than my husband has — be reasonable quoth a ? — marry whoope .

Row .

Why d ee keepe all this stirre , my Master 's not running away woman — here 's a quarter indeede , if hee will be ruled by me , he shall not give you one farthing , because you keepe such a coile .

Wife .

How keepe such a coile ye jacke sawee ? how now ? such a coile ? d ee thinke ye are talking to your companions sirra ? such a coile ? and in my owne house too sirra ? and you must stand by forsooth like Iohn a Noakes , and see every Servingman runne upon me in this manner ; remember this when ye come to bed ; and for your Masters not paying of me , ye Sawcebox , I 'me at the better end of the staffe with him , for I have lockt up all his clothes ; nay if you 'r so Sawcy , I le fit him , I le warrant ye .

Row .

Ye will ?

Wife .

Yes indeede will I ?

Enter Trash . Tr.

Rowland , Rowland , Rowland , theeves , theeves , theeves , theeves , Rowland , theeves .

Ro.

How now ? how now ?

Tr.

All my Masters clothes are stolne quite a way Rowland , all stolne every jot , breeches , doublet , boots , spurres , cloaks , gownes , hats , bands , cuffes , ruffes , caps , shooes , shirts , all gone , all stolne , every jot .

Ro.

Here 's the theefe .

Tr.

Where ? where ?

Ro.

Here I say .

Tr.

Who , my Landlady , did you steale my Masters clothes — ha ? wherefore pray ye ?

Wife .

Steale 'em ? no sir J scorne it ; I tooke 'em indeede , and I le justifie it ; and more than so sir , I have lockt 'em up , and I le justifie that too .

Tr.

How ? lockt up my Masters clothes , wherefore I pray ye ?

Wife .

Wherefore ? doe not yee know your Master owes me money ? doe not you know I have often askt it , and cannot get it ? doe not ye know that it is a pretty summe ? doe not you know that it is for meate , drinke , lodging , fire , and candle-light , washing , wringing , and starching ; besides , boots , shooes , pantables , and galosheas : if , I had the Booke I cud shew ye .

Tr.

Nay , you 're perfect enough without booke for ought I see . Enter Boy .

Boy .

Trash , Your Master 's come home , and you must come to him presently . Exit Boy .

Exeunt Trash , Welt and his wife . Ro.

Here 's a creature I le sweare upon a booke , this woman has no bones in her tongue , if any man love trumpets , there 's a noise for him , sure I doe not thinke but this Shoomaker 's a witch , he wud never a contracted himselfe to the devill else .

Enter Valentine . Val.

What , are ye here ? and I have nothing put up yet ?

Ro.

Sir , your clothes are all put up , and safe under locke and key .

Val.

Nay then 't is no matter ; who put 'em up ?

Ro.

That did my Landlady sir , shee has lockt 'em up , and sweares she 'le keepe 'em safe till she can perswade ye to part with some pocket mettle sir .

Val.

Enough , enough , I will not be beholden to her , I le satisfie her .

Enter sir Timothy with Officers . Sir T.

O sir , have I found ye out in the end , Come Officers lay hold on him — but stay le ts talke with ye a little first .

Ro.

Sure my master was borne when the signe was in Cancer , for whatsoever he does intend , goes alwayes quite backwards , well some body shall know on 't presently , that shall fetch him off againe for all this sir .

Sir T. Sirra , hold your peace , and Be gone about your businesse fellow , Exit Rowland . Dost know what thou hast done ? or have my wrongs Arriv'd at thy understanding yet ? — ha ? Val. Sir I am conscious to my selfe of all The wrongs and injuries that I have done ye . Sir T. Why hast thou put this blemish on my child , Which like a Canker threatens to deface My Story , and for ever raze my name Out of the booke of honour , nay , a spot , Which time nor date , nor all the brinish waves Can e're wash out — speake thou detested wretch ; Hadst not a sparke of vertue left within Thy bosome to preserve thy honour — speake , I say . Val. In trembling reverence to your precepts here , I creepe upon my knees before the barre Of Your just frownes , I dare not pleade excuse , No , no , my crimes are writ upon my front In die of blushing guilt , which nothing but Your reconciling smiles can ere wash out , — They , I say , they must be That expiating sacrifice for me . Sir T. Smiles on thee ? Hast thou the face to say thy faults can be Capable of mercy ? go to , marke what I say , Vnlesse thou canst contrive a way to cure The wounded reputation of my Girle , Expect not one commiserating thought , But all the tortours of severitie That e're can be inflicted — Come , come , rise up , it is in vaine to kneele , My eares are stopt to mercy , nothing now But onely that can ope them . Val.

Sir , I am content to engage all my possibilities to accomplish your desires .

Sir T.

There may be some hope in this .

Val. Sir , Devise how I may But give this satisfaction you require , And my soule shall study its performance . Sir T. I cannot tell , Thou hast so plung'd her in a sincke of shame , — That 't will , for ought I know , Nonplus the world to finde a remedie . Val. Her case is not so desperate , I hope , I 'me ready here to hugge The most ingenious torments on these termes , That she and you 'le be pleas'd ; We rt to encounter a whole host of fiends , Never to sleepe but in a Dragons den ; Or from the bowells of the burning hill To fetch a cole , eate fire , or drinke a cup Of Mercurie precipitat , I le do 't , And thinke it an Elisium , if it may Redeeme your loves , and state me once agen In your esteeme . Sir T. 'T is well , I doe commend your forward minde ; But this will never doo 't ; There 's nothing but a marriage will admit A thought of remedy . Val.

Nothing but marriage ?

Sir T.

Not any thing i th' world but Marriage ▪

Val.

Not ?

Sir T.

No indeede .

Val. Mercilesse Planets , will ye still goe on , To heape these hills of mischiefe on my necke , Or can misfortune reach a higher pitch In him whose miserie is intollerable , And remedie impossible , O no ; Sir , in a word , Your daughter 's quite undone , and so am I . Sir , T. How stands the businesse ? Speake the worst , if truth , and let me die . Val. Sir , 't is in vaine to counterfeit , Or build up castles where they cannot stand ; Doe with me what ye please , the truth is this , I am already married . Sir T. How ? already married ? Villaine , keepe in that breath ; The repetition of these words wud teare A heart of brasse — already married ? Didst thou ensnare my childe for this ? Hast thou betrayed her white innocence for this ? Blasted the blossome of her virgin spring , And married now another ? Canst hope or dreame , that e're thy perjur'd soule Shall see th' Elisian groves ? Hold heart from breaking , now or never hold , Married to another ? Shall I be bandy'd thus for ever twixt Rackets of shame and misery , Cud fate finde ne're a football but my selfe To tosse and spurne — umph ? Hell and the furies doe conspire I thinke , To cull out me from all the rest o th' world To vent their mischiefes on , who is 't ye have married ? speake . Val.

It is unknowne to me sir .

Sir T.

I aske ye who 't is you have married ?

Val. Sir , Vpon my life I know not who she is . Sir T.

Has thy leudnesse brought thee to distraction ; married , and yee know not to whom ? come take him away , 't is in vaine to talke — but stay a little . I le see what creature 't is .

Val.

'T is very true sir .

Sir T. What wilt thou make me mad ? Where is she , in the house ? Val.

Yes .

Sir T. Officer , goe fetch her hither , Exit Officer . I le make her tell me who she is , If she can :

Married already quoth a ? and ye know not to whom neither , here 's a marriage with a vengeance .

Enter Fairefaith and Sportlove , who were present at the marriage leading betwixt them Sabina veil'd , they present her to her Father , Hilts attending them . Fai.

We heard ye sent for my cosin Valentines wife sir .

Sir T.

I did so .

Fai.

We have brought her to you sir , here she is sir .

Sir T.

Very well , in good time : what are you gentlewoman ? whence are ye ? ha ? — speake ; nay , if you will not give me an account , I must punish ye ; Sabina unpins her maske , and falls upon her knees to her Father .

— let not my eyes surfeit — what my Sabina ? My lovely Girle ? Thrice welcome to my bosome ? My Sabina ? my daughter , and the wife Of this my deared friend , unexpected felicitie , Enter Sir Plenteous with Trash and Rowland . Sir Plenteous ? welcome thrice noble sir Plenteous ; But stay Gentlemen , pray ye present her to her husband first , Fairefaith and Sportlove present her to Valentine . Sweet sir Plenteous , how d ee sir ? Sab.

D ee know me sir , nay gaze on sir .

Hilts .

He knowes her present I see that .

Tra.

Know her ? he has beene familiarly with her — before man , and that thee didst not know .

Sab. Gaze on still sir , I 'me not Sabinaes ghost , but her poore selfe ; Here stands the creature that was wrong'd by thee , The very selfesame that you married sir : What dost thou thinke ? Dost thou not tremble , lest I shud begin , To number up my wrongs ? I that was lull'd i th' bosome of my friends , And as 't were dandl'd on a Fathers knee ; Forfeited all this favour , and was made A stranger to his eye for love to thee ; Yet thou Like the prodigious Monster of the world Ingratitude , didst labour to forget , Not my love onely , but those sacred vowes Have past betwixt us ; but to be short , Thus — thus I revenge my selfe . Kisses him . Val. O my Sabina ! It is too sweete and loving a revenge Vpon so vile a miscreant . Sab. Come Let the remembrance of these matters dye , And be confin'd to dust , let 'em be trod Into the very center of the earth , Never to rise againe ; and let our loves For ever twine like twins ; What 's past I have forgot and pardon'd . Val. Seale it , or else I die ; Kisses him agen . Live , O live ! A rare example to all future times Of constancie in love . Sir P. Daughter , my heart bids thee welcome , This night my house shall give thee entertainement , Whereof thy selfe shall be sole governesse , And when the icie hand of death shall drive My soule out of this clod , It shall be his and thine . Sir T. But gentlemen , me thinkes I long to heare The storie of this marriage , how it come to passe ; For did I know 't , I shud adore the starre , Vnder whose influence she was brought t' arive Midst stormes of woe upon this shore of blisse . Sport . Sir , I doe thinke 't will be A seasonable discourse for supper ; Suspend but your desires till then And you shall be satisfied . Sir T.

With all my heart , with all my heart , but sonne , I have one petition to preferre to you .

Val.

You may stile it a command sir .

Sir T.

You must needs bestow upon me your servant Trash .

Tr.

Heyda ? now I 'me a beg'd foole , I see that .

Val.

Sirra , attend my father .

Tr.

Your worships humble servant sir .

Sir T. In all this businesse I have observed in thee Discretion — judgement — wit — and police ; Therefore I doe appoint thee Steward of my house , And put into thy charge the overseeing Of all my businesses . Tr.

Nay sir , for an oversight in any businesse let me alone .

Sir T. And what is more . Dispose my house and servants as you please . Tr.

Hilts , come hither — Sirra , doe you waite upon me .

Hilts .

Yes forsooth .

Tr.

I did ever thinke thou wudst come to some good , for thou hast beene alwayes an honest Trojan ; D ee heare , if you had carried me to Bridewell , when ye were bid — where had your proferments beene then Hilts .

Sir T. Mr. Fairefaith , for you , I doe perceive your ingenuitie , Has beene a meanes to make my comfort swell ; And for returne , J doe bestow on thee My daughter Mirabell . Fai. Sir , your returnes are farre beyond the claime Of my deserts ; and though J am not fit To bandy favours with so brave a Knight , Yet I will stretch my studes to expresse A detestation of ingratitude : and now Sabina , I doe salute thee by the word of Sister , Kisses her . — but why so dumpish on a sudden — ha ? I know the cause already , 't is for feare Your censures on her faults be too severe ; She has given satisfaction where 't was due , Her Father 's pleas'd , and so we hope are you : To you she is referr'd , who now are set , Ready to give your sentences ; but yet Be pleas'd to speake your doome with gentle breath , Cause you 're the Judges of her Life and Death .

FINIS .