An Humorous Day's Mirth

A pleasant Comedie entituled An humorous dayes mirth . Enter the count Laberuele in his shirt and night gowne , with two iewells in his hand . Laberuele .

YEt hath the morning sprinckled throwt the clowdes , But halfe her tincture and the soyle of night stickes stil vpon the bosome of the ayre : yet sleepe doth rest my loue for Natures debt , and through her windowe , and this dun twee-light , her maide , nor any waking I can see . This is the holy Greene my wifes close walke , to which not any but her selfe alone hath any key , onelye that I haue clapt her key in waxe , and made this counterfeite , to the which I steale accesse , to work this rare & politike deuice : Faire is my wife and yong and delicate , although too religious in the purest sorte , but pure religion being but mental stuffe and sence indeed , al for it selfe , is to be doubted , that when an obiect comes fit to her humour she wil intercept religious letters sent vnto her minde , and yeelde vnto the motion of her bloud , heere haue I brought then two rich agots for her , grauen with two poses of mine own deuising , for Poets I le not trust , nor friends , nor any : shee longs to haue a child , which yet alas I cannot get , Yet long as much as she , and not to make her desperate , thus I write in this faire iewell though it simple be , yet t is mine owne that meaneth well in nought , t is spare , not of children , loue with the longest , when man is at the weakest , god is at strōgest , I hope t is plain , & knowing in this other that I write , God will reward her a thousand fold , that takes what age can and not what age would , I hope t is prety & pathetical : Wel , euen here lie both together til my loue arise and let her thinke you fall out of the skies , I wil to bed againe .

Exit . Enter Lemot and Colenet. Lemot.

How like thou this morning Colenet ? What , shall we haue a faire day ?

Colenet.

The skie hangs full of humour , and I thinke we shall haue raine .

Lem.

Why raine is faire wether when the ground is dry and barren , especially when it raines humor , for then doe men like hot sparrowes and pigeons open all their wings ready to receiue them .

Col.

Why then we may chaunce to haue a faire day , for we shall spend it with so humorous acquaintance , as raines nothing but humor al their life time .

Le.

True Colenet , ouer which wil I sit like an old King in an old fashion play , hauing his wife , his counsel , his children , and his foole about him , to whome he will sit and point very learnedly as foloweth ; my counsell graue , and you my noble peeres , my tender wife , and you my children deare , and thou my foole .

Co.

Not meaning me sir I hope .

Le.

No sir , but thus will I sit , as it were , and point out all my humorous companions .

Co.

You shal do maruelous wel sir .

Le.

I thanke you for your good incouragement , but Colinet thou shalt see Catalian bring me hither an od gentleman presently to be acquainted withall , who in his manner of taking acquaintance wil make vs excellent sport .

Co.

Why Lemot I thinke thou sendst about of purpose for yong gallants to be acquainted withal , to make thy selfe merry in the maner of taking acquaintance .

Le.

By heauen I do Colenet , for there is no better sport then to obserue the complement , for that s their word , complement , do you marke sir ?

Co.

Yea sir , but what humor hath this gallant in his maner of taking acquaintance ?

Le.

Marry thus sir , he will speake the very selfe same word , to a sillable after him of whome he takes acquaintance , as if I should say ,

I am marueilous glad of your acquaintance , He will reply , I am meruailous glad of your acquaintance , I haue heard much good of your rare parts & fine cariage , I haue heard much good of your rare parts & fine cariage , so long as the complements of a gentleman last , he is your complete ape . Co.

Why this is excellent .

Le.

Nay sirra here s the iest of it , when hee is past this gratulation , he wil retire himself to a chimny , or a wal standing folding his armes thus : and go you and speake to him so farre as the roome you are in wil afford you , you shal neuer get him from that most gentlemanlike set , or behauior .

Co.

This makes his humor perfit , I would he would come once .

Enter Catalian and Blanuel . Le.

See where he comes , now must I say , Lupus est in fabula , for these latine ends are part of a gentleman and a good scholler .

Catalian .

O good morrow Monseur Lemot , here is the gentleman you desired so much to be acquainted withal .

Le.

He is marueilous welcome , I shall be exceeding prowd of your acquaintance .

Blan.

I shal be exceeding prowd of your acquaintance .

Le.

I haue heard much good of your rare parts and fine cariages .

Blan.

I haue heard much good of your rare parts and fine cariages .

Le.

I shall be glad to be commanded by you .

Blan.

I shall be glad to be commanded by you .

Le.

I pray do not you say so .

Blan.

I pray do not you say so .

Le.

Well Gentlemen , this day let 's consecrate to mirth , and Colenet you know no man better , that you are mightily in loue with loue , by Martia daughter to old Foyes .

Co.

I confesse it here are none but friends .

Le.

Wel then , go to her this morning in Countesse Moris name , and so perhaps you may get her company , thogh the olde churle bee so iealous that he will suffer no man to come at her , but the vaine gull Labesha for his liuing sake , and he as yet she will not be acquainted withall .

Co.

Well this Ile do whatsoeuer come on it .

Le.

Why nothing but good wil come of it , nere doubt it man .

Cata.

Hee hath taken vp his stand , talke a little further and see and you can remoue him .

Le.

I wil Cat . nowe Monsieur Blanuele marke I pray .

Blan.

I do sir very well I warrant you .

Le.

You know the old Count Laberuele , hath a passing faire yong Lady , that is a passing foule Puritane .

Blan.

I know her very well sir , she goes more like a milke maide then a Countesse , for all her youth and beautie .

Lemot.

True sir , yet of her is the old Count so iealous that he will suffer no man to come at her , yet I will find a meanes , that two of vs will haue accesse to her tho , before his face , which shal so heate his ielous humor til he be start mad : but Colenet go you first to louely Martia , for t is too soone for the old Lord and his faire yong Lady to rise .

Co.

Adue Monseur Blanuel .

Blan.

A due good Monsieur Colinet .

Exit Col. Le.

Monseur Blanuel your kindnes in this wil bind me much to you .

Bla.

Monseur Lemot your kindnes in this will bind me much to you .

Le.

I pray you do not say so sir .

Blan.

I pray you do not say so sir ,

Le.

Wil t please you to go in .

Blan.

Wil t please you to go in .

Le.

I will follow you .

Blan.

I will follow you .

Le.

It shall be yours .

Blan.

It shall be yours .

Le.

Kind Monsieur Blanuel .

Blan.

Kind Monsier Lemot .

Exit . Enter Foyes , and Martia , and Besha . Foyes.

Come on faire daughter fall to your worke of mind , and make your body fit to imbrace the body of this Gentlemans , t is art : happy are they say I .

Be.

I protest sir you speake the best that euer I heard .

Fo.

I pray sir take acquaintance of my daughter .

Be.

I do desire you of more acquaintance .

Fo.

Why dost not thou say yea , and I the same of you ?

Mar.

That euery body sayes .

Fo.

O you would be singular .

Mar.

Single indeede .

Fo.

Single indeede that s a prety toy , Your betters dame beare double , and so shall you .

Be.

Fxceeding prety , did you marke it forsooth ?

Mar.

What should I marke forsooth ?

Be.

Your bearing double , which equificate is & hath fit illusion to a horse that beares double , for your good father meanes you shall indure your single life no longer , not in worse sence then bearing double forsooth .

Mar.

I crie you mercy , you know both belike .

Be.

Knowlege forsooth is like a horse , and you that can beare double : it nourisheth both Bee and Spider , the Bee honnisuckle , the Spider poyson , I am that Bee .

Mar.

I thought so by your stinging witte .

Be.

Lady I am a Bee without a sting , no way hurting any , but good to all , and before all , to your sweete selfe .

Fo.

Afore God daughter , thou art not worthy to heare him speake : but who comes here ?

Enter Colinet . Co.

God saue you sir .

Fo.

You are welcome sir for ought that I know yet .

Co.

I hope I shall be so still sir .

Fo.

What is your busines sir , and then I le tell you ?

Co.

Marry thus sir , the Countesse Morene intreats your faire daughter to beare her company this fore-noone .

Fo.

This forenoone sir , doth my Lord or Lady send for her I pray ?

Co.

My Lady I assure you .

Fo.

My Lady you assure me , very wel sir , yet that house is full of gallant Gentlemen , dangerous thornes to pricke yong maides I can tell you .

Co.

There are none but honest and honourable Gentlemen .

Fo.

Al is one sir for that , I le trust my daughter with any man , but no man with my daughter , only your selfe Monser Besha , whom I wil intreat to be her gardian , & to bring her home againe .

Co.

I will waite vpon her , and it please you .

No sir , your weight vpon her wil not be so good : here Monser Besha I deliuer my daughter vnto you a perfect maide , and so I pray you looke well vnto her .

Co.

Farewell Monser Foyes .

Besh.

I warrant I le looke vnto her wel enough . Mistris will it please you to preambulate .

Ma.

With all my heart .

Exeunt . Enter the puritane . Florila

What haue I done ? put on too many clothes , the day is hote , and I am hoter clad then might suffice health , my conscience telles me that I haue offended , and I le put them off , that will aske time that might be better spent , one sin will draw another quickly so , see how the diuell tempts : but what s here ? iewels ? how should these come here ?

Enter Laberuele . Lab.

Good morrow louely wife , what hast thou there ?

Flo.

Iewels my Lord which here I strangely found .

Lab.

That s strange indeede , what , where none comes but when your selfe is here ? surely the heauens haue rained thee iewels for thy holy life , and vsing thy olde husbande louingly or else doe Fairies haunt this holy greene , as euermore , mine auncesters haue thought .

Flo.

Fairies were but in times of ignorance , not since the true pure light hath beene reuealed , and that they come from heauen I scarce beleeue : for iewels are vaine things , much gold is giuen for such fantastical & fruitlesse iewels , and therfore heauen I know wil not maintain the vse of vanitie , surely I feare I haue much sinned to stoupe take take them vp , bowing my bodie to an idle worke , the strength that I haue had to this verie deed might haue beene vsed to take a poore soule vp in the his way .

Lab.

You are too curious wise , behold your iewels : what me thinks ther 's posies written on them . Dispaire not of children , Then hee reades . loue with the longest , when man is at the weakest , god is at the strongest . Wonderfull rare and wittie , nay diuine , why this is heauenly confort for thee wife , what is this other ? God will reward her a thousand folde that takes what age can , & not what age would . The best that euer I heard , no mortall braine I thinke did euer vtter such conceit for good plaine matter , and for honest rime .

Flo.

Vaine Poetry , I pray you burne them sir .

La.

You are to blame wife , heauen hath sent you them to decke your self withall , like to your self , not to go thus like a milk-maid , why there is difference in all estats by al religion .

Flo.

There is no difference .

Lab.

I prethee wife be of another mind , and weare these iewels and a veluet hood .

Flo

A veluet hood ! O vaine diuelish deuise a toy made with a superfluous flap , which being cut off , my head were still aswarme . Diogenes did cast away his dish , because his hand would serue to help him drinke , surely these heathens shall rise vp against vs .

Lab.

Sure wife I thinke thy keeping alwaies close , making thee melancholy , is the cause we haue no children , and therefore if thou wilt , be mery , and keepe companie a gods name .

Flo.

Sure my lord , if I thought I shold be rid of this same banishment of barrennes , and vse our marriage to the end it was made which was for procreation , I should sinne , if by my keeping house I should neglect the lawful means to be a fruitful mother , & therfore if it please you i le vse resort

Lab.

Gods my passion what haue I done ? who woulde haue thought her purenesse would yeeld so soone to courses of temptations ? nay harke you wife , I am not sure that going abroad will cause fruitfulnesse in you , that you know none knowes but God himselfe .

Flo.

I know my lord t is true , but the lawfull means must still be vsed .

Lab.

Yea , the lawfull meanes indeed must still , but now I remember that lawfull meanes is not abroad .

Flo.

Well , well , I le keepe the house still .

Lab.

Nay , heark you lady , I would not haue you thinke , mary , I must tel you this , if you shuld change the maner of your life , the world would think you changed religion too .

Flo.

T is true , I will not go .

Lab.

Nay , if you haue a fancie .

Flo

Yea a fancie , but that s no matter .

La.

Indeed fancies are not for iudicial & religious women .

Enter Catalian like a scholer . Cat.

God saue your lordship , & you most religious lady .

Lab.

Sir you may say God saue vs well indeed that thus are thrust vpon in priuate walkes .

Cat,

A slender thrust sir , where I touche you not .

Lab.

Well sir what is your busines ?

Cat.

Why sir , I haue a message to my ladie from Monsieur du Barto .

Lab.

To your lady , wel sir , speake your mind to your lady .

Flo.

You are very welcome sir , and I pray how doth he .

Cat.

In health Madam , thanks be to God , commending his dutie to your ladiship , & hath sent you a message which I would desire your honour to heare in priuate .

Flo.

My ladiship , and my honor , they be words which I must haue you leaue , they be ydle woordes , and you shal answere for them truly : my dutye to you , or I desire you , were a great deale better , then , my ladiship , or my honour .

Cat.

I thanke you for your christian admonition .

Flo.

Nay thanke God for me : Come I will heare your message with all my heart , and you are very welcome sir .

Lab.

With all my heart , and you are very welcome sir , and go and talke with a yong lustie fellow able to make a mans haire stand vpright on his head , what puritie is there in this trow you ? ha , what wench of the facultie could haue beene more forward ? Well sir , I will know your message , you sir , you sir , what sayes the holy man sir , come tell true , for by heauen or hell I will haue it out .

Cat.

Why you shall sir , if you be so desirous .

Lab.

Nay sir , I am more then so desirous : come sir , study not for a new deuice now .

Cat.

Not I my lord , this is both new and old , I am a scholer , and being spiritually inclined by your ladies most godly life , I am to professe the ministerie , & to become her chaplaine , to which end monsier du Barte hath commended me .

Lab.

Her chaplaine in the diuels name , fit to be vickar of hell .

Flo.

My good head , what are you afraid of ? he comes with a godly & neighborly sute : what think you his words or his looks can tempt me ? haue you so litle faith ? if euery word he spake were a serpent , as suttle as that which tempted Eue , he cannot tempt me I warrant you .

La.

Wel answered for him lady by my faith : wel hark you I le keepe your chaplaines place yonder for a while , and at Enter Lemot . length put in one my self : what more yet ? Gods my passion whom do I see , the very imp of desolation , the minion of our King , whome no man sees to enter his house but hee lookes vp , his wife , his children , and his maides , for where hee goes hee carries his house vppon his head like a snaile : now sir I hope your busines is to me .

Lem.

No sir , I must craue a word with my ladie .

La.

These words are intollerable , & she shal hear no more

Lem.

She must heare me speake .

Lab.

Must she sir , haue you brought the kings warrant for it ?

Le.

I haue brought that which is aboue Kings .

Lab.

Why euery man for her sake is a puritan . The Diuill I thinke wil shortly turne Puritan , or the Puritan will turne Diuell .

Flo.

What haue you brought sir ?

Lem.

Mary this Madam , you know we ought to proue one anothers constancie , and I am come in all chast and honourable sort to proue your constancie .

Flo.

You are verie welcome sir , and I will abide your proofe : it is my dutie to abide your proofe .

Lab.

You le bide his proofe , it is your dutie to bide his proofe , how the diuell will you bide his proofe ?

Flo

My good head , no other wise then before your face in all honorable and religious sort , I tell you I am constant to you , and he comes to trie whether I be so or no , which I must indure , begin your proofe sir .

Le.

Nay Madam , not in your husbands hearing , thogh in his sight for there is no woman wil shewe shee is tempted from her constancie , though she be a little : withdraw your selfe sweete ladie .

Lab.

Well I will see though I do not heare , women may be courted without offence , so they resist the courtier .

Lem.

Deare and most beautifull ladie , of al the sweet honest and honorable meanes to proue the puritie of a ladies constancy , kisses are the strongest , I will therefore be bold to begin my proofe with a kisse .

No sir , no kissing .

Lem.

No kissing Madam ? how shall I proue you then sufficiently , not vsing the most sufficient proofe ? to flatter your selfe by affection of spirit , when it is not perfitly tried , is sin .

Flo.

You say well sir , that which is truth is truth .

Le.

Then do you wel Lady and yeeld to the truth .

Flo.

By your leaue sir , my husband sees , peraduenture it may breed an offence to him .

Lem.

How can it breed an offence to your husband to see your constancie perfectly tried .

Flo.

You are an odde man I see , but first I pray tel me how kissing is the best proofe of chast Ladies .

Lem.

To giue you a reason for that , you must giue me leaue to be obscure and Philosophicall .

Flo.

I pray yon be , I loue Philosophie well .

Lem.

Then thus Madam : euery kisse is made as the voice is by imagination and appetite , and as both those are presented to the eare in the voyce , so are they to the silent spirites in our kisses .

Flo.

To what spirit meane you ?

Lem.

To the spirites of our bloud .

Flo.

What if it doe ?

Lem:

Why then my imagination , and mine appetite working vpon your eares in my voyce , and vpon your spirites in my kisses , pearcing therein the more deeply , they giue the stronger assault against your constancie .

Flo.

Why then to say , proue my constancy , is as much as to say , kisse me .

Lem.

most true rare Ladie .

Flo.

Then prooue my constancie .

Lem

Beleeue me Madam , you gather exceeding wittily vpon it .

Lab.

O my forehead , my very heart akes at a blowe , what dost thou meane wife ? thou wilt loose thy fame , discredite thy religion , and dishonour me for euer .

Flo.

Away sir , I wil abide no more of your proofe , nor endure any more of your triall .

Lem.

O she dares not , she dares not I am as glad I haue tride your puritie as may be : you the most constant Lady in France ? I know an hundred Ladies in this towne that wil dance , reuill all night amongst gallants , and in the morning goe to bed to her husband as cleere a woman as if she were new christned , kisse him , imbrace him , and say , no , no husband , thou art the man , and he takes her for the woman .

Flo.

And all this can I doe .

La.

Take heede of it wife .

Flo.

Feare not my good heade , I warrant you for him .

Lem.

Nay Madam , triumph not before the victorie , howe can you conquer that , against which you neuer striue , or striue against that which neuer incounters you To liue idle in this walke , to inioy this companie , to weare this habite , and haue no more delights then those will affoorde you , is to make vertue an idle huswife , and to hide herselfe slouthfull cobwebbes that still should be adorned with actions of victorie : no Madam , if you wil vnworthilly prooue your constancie to your husband , you must put on rich apparrell , fare daintily , heare musique , reade Sonetes be continually courted , kisse , daunce , feast , reuell all night amongst gallants , then if you come to bed to your husband with a cleere minde , and a cleere body , then are your vertues ipsissima ; then haue you passed the ful test of experiment , and you shall haue an hundred gallants fight thus farre in bloud for the defence of your reputation .

Lab.

O vanitie of vanities !

Flo.

O husband this is perfect tryall indeede .

La.

And you wil try all this now , wil you not ?

Flo

Yea my good head , for it is written , we must passe to perfection through al temptation , Abacuke the fourth .

Lab.

Abacucke , cucke me no cuckes , in a doores I saye , theeues , Puritanes , murderers , in a doores I say .

Exit . Le.

So now is he start mad yfaith : but sirra , as this is an old Lorde iealous of his yong wife , so is antient Countesse Moren iealous of her yong husband , wee le thither to haue some sport yfaith .

Exit . Enter Besha hanging vpon Martia sleeue , and the Lord Moren comes to them . Mar.

I prethee Besha keepe a little off ; hang not vpon her shoulders thus for shame .

Be.

My Lord , Pardon a moy , I must not let her talk alone with any one , for her father gaue me charge .

Mar.

O you are a goodly charger for a Goose .

Be.

A Goose , you are a Gander to call me Goose , I am a christian Gentleman as well as you .

Mar.

Well sirra get you hence , or by my troth I le haue thee taken out in a blanket , tossed from forth our hearing .

Be.

In a blanket ? what do you make a puppie of me , by skies and stones I will go and tell your Lady .

Exit . Mor.

Nay but Besha .

Mar.

Nay he will tell my Lorde .

Enter the Countesse Moren and Besha . Co.

Why how now my Lord , what thought you I was dead , that you are wooing of another thus , or are you laying plots to worke my death ?

Mor.

Why neither sweete bird , what need you moue these questions vnto me , whome you know loues you aboue all the women in the world ?

Co.

How he can flatter now he hath made a fault .

Besh,

He can do little , and he cannot cogge .

Mor.

Out you asse .

Co.

Wel , come tell me what you did intreat .

Mor.

Nothing by heauen sweete bird I sweare , but to intreat her loue .

Co.

But to intreat her loue .

Mor.

Nay heare me out .

Co.

Nay here you are out , you are out too much me thinkes , and put me in .

Mor.

And put you in ?

Co.

In a faire taking sir I meane .

Mor.

O you may see what hastie taking is , you women euermore scramble for our woordes , and neuer take them mannerly from our mouths .

Con.

Come tell me what you did intreat .

Mor.

I did intreat her loue to Colinet .

Con.

To Colinet ? O he is your deare cousen , and your kinde heart yfaith is neuer well but when you are doing good for euery man : speake , do you loue me ?

Mor.

Yfaith sweete bird .

Con.

Best of all others .

Mor.

Best of all others ?

Con.

That s my good bird yfaith .

Besh.

O mistris , will you loue me so ?

Mor.

No by my troth will I not .

Besh.

No by my troth will I not : Why that s well said , I could neuer get her to flatter me yet .

Enter Lemot , Blanuel , and Catalian , and Colinet . Le

Good morrow my good Lord , and these passing louely Ladies .

Cat.

So now we shall haue all maner of flattering with Monsieur Lemot .

You are all manner of waies deceiued Madam , for I am so farre from flattering you , that I do not a whit praise you .

Con.

Why do you call vs passing louely then ?

Lem.

Because you are passing from your louelines .

Mar.

Madam we shall not haue one mot of Monsieur Lemot , but it shal be as it were a mote to drown al our conceit in admiration .

Le.

See what a mote her quick eye can spie in mine , before she lookes in it .

Mar

So mote I thee , thine answer is as good as mought be .

Le.

Here s a poore name run out of breath quickly .

Co.

Why Monsieur Lemot , your name is runne out of breath at euery word you speake .

Le.

That s because my name signifies word .

Mar.

Wel hit , Monsieur verbum .

Le.

What are you good at latine Lady ?

Mar.

No sir , but I know what verbum is .

Le.

Why t is greenebum , ver is greene , and you know what bum is , I am sure of that .

Mar.

No sir , t is a verbe , and I can decline you .

Lem.

That you can I le be sworne .

Mar.

What can I do ?

Le.

Decline me , or take me a hole lower , as the prouerbe is .

Mar.

Nay sir , I meane plaine Gramatical declination

Le.

Well , let 's heare your schollership , and decline me .

Mar.

I will sir , moto , motas .

Besha.

O excellent ! she hath cald him asse in latine .

Le.

Well sir , forward .

Mar.

Nay there s enough to trie both our scholerships

Le.

Moto , motas , nay faith forward to motani , or motandi .

Mar.

Nay sir , I le leaue when I am well .

Co.

Why Monsieur Lemot , your name being in word general , is in nini , or in hammer , or in cock , or in buzzard .

Le.

Or in wagtaile , or in woodcocke , or in dotteril , or in dizard .

Ma.

Or in clotte , or in head , or in cow , or in baby .

Le.

Or in maukin , or in trash , or in pape , or in Lady .

Co.

Or in deed in euery thing .

Le.

Why then t is in Thing .

Ma.

Then good Monsier Thing , there let it rest .

Le.

Then aboue all things I must haue a woorde with you .

Be.

Hands off sir , she is not for your mowing .

Le.

She is for your mocking .

Be.

And she mocke me , I le tell her father .

Le.

That s a good child , thou smellest of the mother , and she was a foole I warrant you .

Be.

Meddle with me , but doe not meddle with my mother .

Le.

That s a good child , come , I must needes haue a word with you .

Be.

You shall do none of your needs with her sir .

Cata.

Why what will you do ? Then he offereth to draw .

Be.

What will I doe ? you shall see what I le do .

Blan.

Go to you asse , offer to draw here , and wee le draw thee out of the house by the heeles .

Be.

What , three against one ? now was euer proper hard fauord Gentleman so abused ?

Go to Mistris Martia , I see you well enough , are you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as hee ?

Le.

How sir ? with such a one as I sir ?

Be.

Yea sir , with such a one as you sir .

Le.

Why , what am I ?

Be.

What are you sir ? why I know you well enough .

Le.

Sirra tel me , what you know me for , or else by heauen I le make thee better thou hadst neuer knowne how to speake .

Be.

Why sir , if you wil needes know , I know you for an honorable gentleman and the Kings minion , and were it not to you , there s nere a gentleman in Paris should haue had her out of my hands .

Ma.

Nay , hee s as tall a Gentleman of his hands as auy is in Paris .

Col.

There s a fauour for you sir .

Le.

But I can get no fauour for you sir .

Blan.

I pray my Lord intreat for your cossen Colinet .

Mo.

Alas man , I dare not for my wife .

Cat.

Why my Lord she thinkes it is for nothing , but to speake for your cosen .

Mo.

I pray you birde , giue me leaue to speake for my cosen .

Co.

I am content for him .

Mo.

Then one woorde with you more , curteous ladie Martia .

Be.

Not , and you were my father .

Mo.

Gentlemen , for God sake thrust this asse out of the doores .

Lem.

Nay , birladye he le runne home and tell her father .

Ca.

Well , go to her , I warrant he shall not trouble you ( kind gentleman ) how we dote on thee : imbrace him gentlemen .

Blan.

O sweete Besha how we honour thee .

Co.

Nay Gentlemen , looke what a pearcing eye hee hath .

Be.

An eie ? I haue an eie and it were a pole-cat .

Ca.

Nay , looke what a nose he hath .

Be.

My nose is nete crimson .

Blan.

Nay , looke what a handsome man he is , O Nature , Nature , thou neuer madest man of so pure a feature .

Truly truly Gentlemen , I do not deserue this kindnesse .

Ca.

O Lorde sir , you are too modest , come shall we walke ?

Be.

Whither ? to the alehouse ?

Hearke you Madam , haue you no more care of the right of your husband , then to let him talke thus affectionately with another ?

Coun.

Why he speakes not for himselfe , but for his cosen Colinet . Enter Lemot.

Le.

Gods my life ? he telles you so , nay and these excuses may serue I haue done .

Con.

By the masse now I obserue him , he lookes very suspitiously indeede , nere trust me if his lookes , and his iesture doe not plainely shewe himselfe to sweare , by this light I do loue thee .

Lem.

Burlady Madam you gesse shrewdly indeede , but hearke you Madam , I pray let not me be the author of discord betweene my good Lord and you .

Con.

No no Monsieur Lemot , I were blinde if I could not see this , i le slit her nose by Iesus

Me.

How now what s the matter ?

Co.

What s the matter ? if I could come at your Mistris , she should know what s the matter .

Mo.

My Mistris ?

Co.

Yea your Mistris , O here s faire dissimulation , O ye impudent gossip , do I send for you to my house to make you my companion , and do you vse me thus ? little dost thou know what t is to loue a man truly , for if thou didst , thou wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so .

Mar.

You wrong me Madam to say I wrong you .

Co.

Go to , get you out of my house .

Mar.

I am gone Madam .

Mor.

Well , come in sweete bird and I le perswade thee , ther 's no harme done .

Well , we shall heare your perswasions .

Le.

Well God knowes , and I can partly gesse what he must do to perswade her : well , take your faire charge , faire and manly L. Monsieur Labesha .

Co.

One word with you more faire ladie .

Le.

Not a word , no man on paine of death , not a word , he comes vpon my rapiers point , that comes within fortie foote on her .

Be.

Thankes good Lemot , and thankes gentlemen all , and her father shal thanke you .

Much good do it you sir : come Gentlemen , let s go wait vpon the king , and see the humour of the young lord Dowseger .

Lem.

Excuse me to the King , and tell him I will meet him there : so this is but the beginning of sport betweene this fine lord and his old lady : but this wench Martia hath happy starres raigned at the disposition of her beautie , for the King him selfe doth mightily dote on her . Now to my Puritane , and see if I can make vp my full proofe of her .

Enter the puritane in her best attyre . Flo.

Now am I vp and ready , ready ? why ? because my cloathes once on , that call we ready : but readinesse I hope hath reference to some fit action for our seuerall state : for when I am attyred thus Countesse-like , t is not to worke , for that befittes me not , t is on some pleasure , whose chiefe obiect is one mans content , and hee my husbande is , but what need I thus be attyred , for that he would be pleased with meaner weed ? besides I take no pleasure thus to please him : I am content , because it is my duty to keep to him , and not to seeke no further : but if that pleasure be a thing that makes the time seeme short , if it do laughter cause , if it procure the tongue but hartily to say , I thanke you , I haue no such thing , nor can the godliest woman in the worlde , against her nature please her sense , or soule , she may say , this I will , or this I will not . But what shall she reape hereby ? comfort in an other world , if she will stay till then .

Enter her husband behind her . Lab.

Yea mary sir now I must looke about , now if her desolate proouer come againe , shal I admit him to make farther triall ? I le haue a Dialogue betweene my selfe and manly reason : to that speciall end reason , shall I indure a desolate man to come and court my wife , and proue her constancie : reason , to court and proue her you may beare my lord , for perfite things are not the worse for triall ; gold will not turne to drosse for deepest triall : before God a comfortable saying ; thanks gentle reason , I le trouble you no more . God saue sweet wife , looke vp , thy tempter comes .

Flo.

Let him my lord , I hope I am more blest then to relent in thought of lewde suggestion .

Lab.

But if by frailtie you should yeeld in thought , what will you do ?

Flo.

Then shall you keepe me close , and neuer let me see man but your selfe , if not , then boldly may I go abroade .

Lab.

But how , shall I know whether you yeeld , or no ?

Flo.

Heare vs your selfe , my lord .

Lab.

Tut , that were grosse , for no woman will yeeld in her husbands hearing .

Flo.

Then to assure you if I yeelde or no , marke but these signes : as hee is proouing me , if I doe yeelde , you shall perceyue my face blush and looke pale , and put on heauie lookes . If I resist I will triumph , and smile , and when I hold but vp my finger , stop his vaine lips , or thrust him on the breast , then is he ouerthrowne both horse and foote .

Lab.

Why , this doth satisfie me mightily : see hee is come .

Lem.

Honor to my good lord , and his faire yong ladie .

Lab.

Nowe Monsieur Sathan , you are come to tempt and prooue at full the spirit of my wife .

Lem.

I am my lord , but vainly I suppose .

Lab.

You see she dares put on this braue attire fit with the fashion , which you think serues much to lead a woman into light desires .

Lem.

My lord I see it : and the sight thereof doth halfe dismay me to make further proofe .

Lab.

Nay prooue her , proue her sir , and spare not : what doth the wittie minion of our King thinke any dame in France will say him nay ? but proue her , proue her , see and spare not .

Lem.

Well sir , though halfe discouraged in my comming , yet I le go forward : ladie , by your leaue .

Flo.

Nowe sir , your cunning in a Ladyes proofe .

Lem.

Madam , in prouing you I find no proofe against your piercing glauncings , but swear I am shot thorow with your loue .

Flo.

I do beleeue you : who will sweare he loues , to get the thing he loues not ? if he loue , what needs more perfite triall ?

Lem.

Most true rare ladie .

Flo.

Then are we fitly met , I loue you too .

Lem.

Exceeding excellent .

Flo.

Nay , I knowe you will applaude mee in this course , but to let common circumstaunces passe , let vs be familiar .

Lem.

Deare life , you rauish my conceit with ioy .

Lab.

I long to see the signes that she will make .

Flo.

I told my husband I would make these signes : if I resisted , first hold vp my finger , as if I said , yfaith sir you are gone , but it shall say , yfayth sir , we are one .

Lab.

Nowe shee triumphes , and pointes to heauen I warrant you .

Flo.

Then must I seeme as if I woulde heare no moret and stoppe your vaine lips , go cruell lippes , you haue bewitcht me , go .

Lab.

Now she stops in his scorned wordes , and rates him for his paines .

Flo.

And when I thrust you thus against the breast , then are you ouerthrowne both horse and foote .

Lab.

Now is he ouerthrowne both horse and foote .

Flo.

Away vaine man , haue I not answered you ?

Lem.

Madam , I yeeld and sweare , I neuer saw so constant , nor so vertuous a ladie .

Lab.

Now speake I pray , and speake but truly , haue you not got a wrong sow by the eare ?

Lem.

My lord , my labor is not altogether lost , for now I find that which I neuer thought .

Lab.

A sirrah , is the edge of your steele wit rebated then against her Adamant ?

Lem.

It is my Lord , yet one word more faire ladie .

Lab.

Faine would he haue it do , and it will not be : harke you wife , what signe will you make mee nowe if you relent not ?

Flo.

Lend him my handkercher to wipe his lips of their last disgrace .

Lab.

Excellent good , go forward , see I pray .

Flo.

An other signe yfaith , loue is required .

Lem.

Let him haue signes inowe , my heauenly loue , then knowe there is a priuate meeting this day at Verones ordinarie , where if you will do me the grace to come , and bring the beauteous Martia with you , I wil prouide a faire and priuate roome , where you shal be vnseene of any man , onely of me , and of the King himselfe , whom I will cause to honour your repaire with his high presence , and there with Musicke and quicke reuellings you may reuiue your spirits so long time dulled .

Flo.

I le send for Martia then , and meete you there , and tell my husband , I wil locke my selfe in my choise walke till supper-time : we pray sir , wipe your lips of the disgrace they tooke in their last labour .

Lem.

Mary the diuell was neuer so dispited .

Lab.

Nay stay , see .

Lem.

No , no , my L , you haue the constantst wife that euer : wel , I le say no more .

Exit . Lab.

Neuer was minion so disminioned , come constancie , come my girle , I le leaue thee loose to twentie of them yfaith . Then he sighes .

Flo.

Come my good head , come .

Exit . Enter the King and all the lords , with the Trumpets . King .

Why sound these Trumpets in the Diuelles name .

To shew the King comes .

King .

To shew the King comes ? Go hang the Trumpetters , they mocke me boldly , and euery other thing that makes me knowne , not telling what I am , but what I seem , a King of clouts , a scarcrow , full of cobwebs , spiders and earewigs , that sets Iackdawes long tongue in my bosome , and vpon my head , and such are all the affections of loue swarming in me , without commaund or reason .

Lem.

Howe nowe my liege ! what quackemyred in Philosophie , bounde with loues whipcorde , and quite robbed of reason : and I le giue you a receyte for this presently .

King .

Peace Lemot , they say the yong lord Dowseger is rarely learned , and nothing lunatike as men suppose , but hateth companie , and worldly trash , the iudgement and the iust contempt of them , haue in reason arguments that breake affection ( as the most sacred Poets write ) and still the roughest wind : and his rare humour come we now to heare .

Lem.

Yea , but hearke you my hege , I le tell you a better humour then that , here presently will be your faire loue Martia , to see his humour , and from thence faire countesse Florula , & she will go vnto Verones ordinarie , where none but you and I , and Count Moren , will be most merry .

King .

Why Count Moren I hope dares not aduenture into any womans companie , but his wiues .

Lem.

Yes , as I will worke , my liege , and then let me alone to keepe him there till his wife comes .

King .

That will be royall sport : see where all comes : welcome faire lords and ladies .

Enter Laberuele , Labesha , and all the rest . Lab.

My liege you are welcome to my poore house .

Lem.

I pray , my liege know this Gentleman especially , he is a Gentleman borne I can tell you .

King .

With all my heart : what might I call your name ?

Lab.

Monsieur Labesha , siniora defoulasa .

Ki. Defoulasa .

an il sounding barendrie of my word : but to the purpose , lord Laberuele , we are come to see the humour of your rare sonne , which by some meanes I pray let vs pertake .

La.

Your highnes shal too vnworthily pertake the sight which I with griese and teares daily behold , seeing in him the end of my poore house .

King .

You know not that ( my lord ) your wife is yong , and he perhaps hereafter may be mooued to more societie .

La.

Would to God hee would , that wee might do to your crowne of France , more worthy and more acceptable seruice .

King .

Thanks good my lord , see where he appeeres .

Enter Lauele with a picture , and a paire of large hose , and a codpeece , and a sword . K.

Say Lauel , where is your friend the young lord Dowsecer ?

La.

I looke my liege he will be here anone , but then I must intreat your Maiestie and all the rest , to stand vnseen , for he as yet will brooke no companie .

King .

We will stand close Lauele , but wherefore bring you this apparell , that picture , and that sword ?

Lau.

To put him by the sight of them in mind of their braue states that vse them , or that at the least of the true vse they should be put vnto .

King .

Indeede the sence doth still stir vp the soule , and though these obiects do not worke , yet it is very probable in time she may , at least , we shal discerne his humor of them .

Lem.

See where he comes contemplating , stand close .

Enter Dowsecer .

Quid Dei potes videri magnum in rebus humanis quae aeterni omnes to thy ●sque notas sic omnibus magna tutor , what can seeme strange to him on earthly things to whom the whole course of eternitie , and the round compasse of the world is knowne ? a speech diuine , but yet I maruaile much how it should spring from thee , Marke Cicero that sold for glory the sweet peece of life , & make a torment of rich natures work , wearing thy self by watchful candel light , when all the Smithes & Weauers were at rest , and yet was gallant ere the day bird sung to haue a troope of clyents at thy gates , armed with religious suplications , such as wold make sterne Minos laugh to reade : look on our lawyers billes , not one containes vntrue or honest drifts ; but he cares , he cares , he cares ; for acorns now are in request , but the okes poore fruite did nourish men , men were li cokes of body , tough , and strong men were like Gyants then , but Pigmies now , yet full of villanies as their skinne can hold .

Le.

How like you this humor my liege ?

King .

This is no humour , this is but perfit iudgement .

Coun.

Is this a frensie ?

Mar.

O were al men such , men were no men but gods : this earth a heauen .

Do.

See see the shamelesse world , that dares present her mortall enemie with these grose ensignes of her lenity yron and steele , vncharitable stuffe , good spittle-sounders , enemies to whole skinnes , as if there were not waies enow to die by natural and casuall accidents , diseases , surfeits , braue carowses , old aquavitae , and too base wiues , and thousands more hence with this art of murder . But here is goodly geare , the soule of man , for t is his better part , take away this , and take away their merites , and their spirites , scarce dare they come in any publike view , without this countenance giuer , and some dares not come , because they haue it too , for they may sing , in written books they find it , what is it then the fashion , or the cost , the cost doth match , but yet the fashion more , for let it be but meane , so in the fashion , & t is most gentleman like , is it so ? make a hand in the margent , and burne the booke , a large house and a codpeice makes a man a codpece , nay indeed but house must down : well for your gentle forgers of men , and for you come to rest me into fashion , I le weare you thus , and sit vpon the matter .

La.

And he doth despise our purposes .

Ca.

Beare with him yet my Lorde , hee is not resolued .

La.

I would not haue my friend mocke worthy men , for the vaine pride of some that are not so .

Dow.

I do not here deride difference of states , no not in shew , but wish that such as want shew might not be scorned with ignorant Turkish pride , beeing pompous in apparel , and in mind : nor would I haue with imitated shapes menne make their natiue land , the land of apes , liuing like strangers when they be at home , and so perhaps beare strange hearts to their home , nor loose a snuffe like a piannets taile , for nothing but their tailes and formall lockes , when like to creame boules all their vertues swim in their set faces , all their in parts then fit to serue pesants or make curdes for dawes : but what a stocke am I thus to neglect this figure of mans comfort this rare peece ?

La.

Heauens grant that make him more humane , and sotiable .

King .

Nay hee s more humane then all we are .

La.

I feare he will be too sharp to that sweete sex .

Dow.

She is very faire , I thinke that she be painted ; and if she be sir , she might aske of mee , how many is there of our sexe that are not ? t is a sharpe question : marry and I thinke they haue small ▪ skill , if they were all of painting t were safer dealing with them , and indeed were their minds strong enough to guide their bodies , their beuteous deeds shoulde match with their heauenly lookes , t were necessarie they should weare them , and would they vouchsafe it , euen I would ioy in their societie .

Ma.

And who would not die with such a man ?

Dow.

But to admire them as our gallants do , O what an eie she hath , O dainty hand , rare foote and legge , and leaue the minde respectles , this is a plague , that in both men and women make such pollution of our earthly beeing : well I will practice yet to court this peece .

La.

O happie man , now haue I hope in her .

King .

Me thinkes I could indure him daies and nights .

Dow.

Well sir , now thus must I do sir , ere it come to women ; now sir a plague vpon it , t is so ridiculous I can no further : what poore asse was it that set this in my way ? now if my father should be the man : Gods precious coles t is he .

Lab.

Good sonne go forward in this gentle humor , obserue this picture , it presents a maide of noble birth and excellent of parts , whom for our house and honor sake , I wish thou wouldst confesse to marrie .

Dow.

To marrie father ? why we shall haue children .

La.

Why that 's the ende of marriage , and the ioye of men .

Do.

O how You are deceiued , you haue but me , & what a trouble am I to your ioy ? but father , if you long to haue some fruite of me , see father I will creepe into this stuborne earth and mixe my flesh with it , and they shall breede grasse , to fat oxen , asses and such like , and when they in the grasse the spring conuerts into beasts nourishment , then comes the fruite of this my body forth ; then may you well say , seeing my race is so profitably increased , that good fat oxe , and that same large eard asse are my sonne sonnes , that caulfe with a white face is his faire daughter , with which , when your fields are richly filled , then will my race content you , but for the ioyes of children , tush t is gone , children will not deserue , nor parents take it : wealth is the onely father & the child , and but in wealth no man hath any ioy .

La.

Some course deare sonne take for thy honor sake .

Dow.

Then father here s a most excellent course .

La.

This is some comfort yet .

Dow.

If you will strait be gone and leaue me here , I le stand as quietlye as anye lambe , and trouble none of you

La.

An haplesse man .

Le.

How like you this humour yet my liege ?

King .

As of a holy fury , not a frensie .

Mor.

See see my liege , he hath seene vs sure .

King .

Nay looke how he viewes Martia and makes him fine .

Lem.

Yea my liege , and she as I hope wel obserued , hath vttered many kind conceits of hers .

King .

Well I le be gone , and when shee comes to Verones ordinarie , I le haue her taken to my custodie .

Lem,

I le stay my liege , and see the euent of this .

King .

Do so Lemot .

Exit the king . Dow.

What haue I seene ? howe am I burnt to dust with a new Sun , and made a nouell Phoenix , is she a woman that obiects this sight , able to worke the chaos of the world into gestion ? O diuine aspect , the excellent disposer of the mind shines in thy beautie , and thou hast not chaunged my soule to sense but sense vnto my soule , and I desire thy pure societie , but euen as angels do , to angels flie .

Exit . Mar.

Flie soule and follow him .

Lab.

I maruaile much at my sonnes sodaine straunge behauiour .

Lem.

Beare with him yet my Lord , t is but his humour : come , what shall we go to Verones ordinarie ?

Lab.

Yea for Gods sake , for I am passing hungry .

Mor.

Yea , come Monsieur Lemot , will you walke ?

Count .

What , will you go ?

Mor.

Yea sweet bird , I haue promised so .

Count .

Go to , you shall not go and leaue me alone .

Mor.

For one meale gentle bird : Veron inuites vs to buy some iewels he hath brought of late from Italie : I le buy the best , and bring it thee , so thou wilt let me go .

Count .

Well said flattering Fabian , but tel me then what ladies will be there ?

Mor.

Ladies ? why none .

Lem.

No ladies vse to come to ordinaries . Madam .

Count .

Go to bird , tell me now the very truth .

Mor.

None of mine honour bird , you neuer heard that ladies came to ordinaries .

Count

O that s because I should not go with you .

Mar.

Why t is not fit you should .

Cou.

Well heark you bird , of my word you shall not go , vnlesse you will sweare to me , you will neither court nor kisse a dame in any sort , till you come home againe .

Mar.

Why I sweare I will not .

Count .

Go to , by this kisse .

Mar.

Yea , by this kisse .

Foies.

Martia , learne by this when you are a wife .

Lab.

I like the kissing well .

Flo.

My lord I le leaue you , your sonne Dowsecer hath made me melancholy with his humour , and I le go locke my selfe in my close walke till supper time .

Lab.

What , and not dine to day ?

Flo.

No my good head : come Martia , you and I will fast togither .

Mar.

With all my heart Madam .

Exit . Lab.

Well Gentlemen I le go see my sonne .

Exit . Foy.

Birlady Gentlemen I le go home to dinner .

Labe.

Home to dinner ? birlord but you shall not , you shall go with vs to the ordinarie , where you shall meete Gentlemen of so good carriage , and passing complements , it will do your hart good to see them , why you neuer saw the best sort of Gentlemen if not at ordinaries .

Foy .

I promise you that s rare , my lord , and Monsieur Lemot , I le meet you there presently .

Lem.

Wee le expect your comming .

Exeunt all . Enter Uerone with his Napkin vpon his shoulder , and his man Iaques with another , and his sonne bringing in cloth and napkins . Uer.

Come on my maisters , shadow these tables with their white vailes , accomplish the court Cupboord , waite diligently to day for my credite and your owne , that if the meate should chance to be raw , yet your behauiors being neither rude nor raw , may excuse it , or if the meate should chaunce to be tough , be you tender ouer them in your attendance , that the one may beare with the other .

Iaq.

Faith some of them bee so hard to please , finding fault with your cheere , and discommending your wine , saying , they fare better at Verones for halfe the mony .

Boy .

Besides , if there be any cheboules in your napkins , they say your nose or ours haue dropt on them , and then they throw them about the house .

Uer.

But these bee small faultes , you may beare with the , young Gentlemen and wilde heades will be doing .

Enter the Maide . Maid .

Come , whose wit was it to couer in this roome , name in the of God I trowee .

Boy .

Why I hope this roome is as faire as the other .

Maid .

In your foolish opinion : you might haue tolde a wise body so , and kept your selfe a foole still .

Boy .

I cry you mercie , how bitter you are in your prouerbs .

Maid .

So bitter I am sir .

Uer.

O sweet Sateena I dare not say I loue thee .

Iaq.

Must you controule vs you proud baggage you ?

Maid .

Baggage ? you are a knaue to call me baggage .

Iaq.

A knaue ? my maister shall know that .

Ver.

I will not see them .

Iaq.

Maister , here is your Maid vses her selfe so sawsily , that one house shall not holde vs two long , God willing .

Uer.

Come hither huswife . Pardon mee sweete Iacenan , I must make an angry face outwardly , though I smile inwardly .

Maid .

Say what you will to me sir .

Ver.

O you are a fine Gossip , can I not keepe honest seruants in my house , but you must controule them ? you must be their mistres .

Maid .

Why I did but take vp the cloth , because my mistresse would haue the dinner in an other roome , and hee called me baggage .

Iaq.

You called me knaue and foole , I thanke you small bones .

Ma.

Go to , go to , she were wise enough would talke with you .

Boy .

Go thy waies for the prowdest harlotrie that euer came in our house .

Ver.

Let her alone boy , I haue scoold her I warant thee , she shall not be my maide long , if I can helpe it .

Boy .

No , I thinke so sir , but what , shal I take vppe the cloath ?

Ue.

No , let the cloth lie , hither thei le com first , I am sure of it , then If they will dine in the other roome , they shal .

Enter Rol . Ro.

Good morrow my host , is no body come yet ?

Ue.

Your worship is the first sir .

Ro.

I was inuited by my cosen Colinet , to see your iewells .

Ve.

I thanke his worship and yours .

Ro.

Here 's a prettie place for an ordinarie , I am very sory I haue not vsed to come to ordinaries .

Ve.

I hope we shall haue your company hereafter .

Ro.

You are very like so .

Enter Berger . Ber.

Good morrow my host , good morrow good Monsieur Rowle .

Ro.

Good morrow to you sir ,

Ber.

What are we two the first ? giue 's the cardes , here come , this gentleman and I wil go to cardes while dinner be ready .

Ro.

No truly I cannot play at cardes .

Ber.

How ! not play , O for shame say not so , how can a yong gentleman spend his time but in play , and in courting his Mistris : come use this , least youth take too much of the other .

Ro.

Faith I cannot play , and yet I care not so much to venture two or three crownes with you .

Ber.

O I thought what I shuld find of you , I pray God I haue not met with my match .

Ro.

No trust me sir , I cannot play .

Ber.

Hearke you my host , haue you a pipe of good Tabacco ?

Ue.

The best in the towne : boy drie a leafe .

Boy .

There s none in the house sir .

Ve.

Drie a docke leafe .

Be.

My host , do you know Monsieur Blanuel ?

Ue.

Yea passing well sir .

Be.

Why , he was taken learning trickes at old Lucilas house the muster mistris of all the smocktearers in Paris , and both the bawde and the pander were carried to the dungeon .

Ve.

There was dungeon vpon dungeon , but call you her the muster-mistris of al the smocktearers in Paris ?

Be.

Yea , for she hath them all trained vp afore her .

Enter Blanuel . Bla.

Good morow my host , good morow gentlemen al .

Ue.

Good morow Monsieur Blanuel , I am glad of your quicke deliuery .

Bla.

Deliuery , what didst thou thinke I was with child ?

Ve.

Yea of a dungeon .

Bla.

Why , how knew you that ?

Ro.

Why Berger told vs .

Bla.

Berger who told you of it ?

Be.

One that I heard , by the lord .

Bla

O excellent , you are still playing the wagge .

Enter Lemot and Moren . Le

Good morrow Gentlemen all , good morrow good Monsieur Rowle .

Ro.

At your seruice .

Le.

I pray my lord look what a prety falling band he hath , t is pretty fantasticall , as I haue seen made , with good iudgement , great shew , and but little cost .

Moren.

And so it is I promise you , who made it I pray ?

Row

I know not yfaith , I bought it by chance .

Le.

It is a very pretty one , make much of it .

Enter Catalian sweating . Ca.

Boy , I prethee call for a course napkin . Good morrow Gentlemen , I would you had bin at the tenniscourt , you should haue seene me a beat Monsieur Besan , and I gaue him fifteene and all his faults .

Le.

Thou didst more for him , then euer God wil do for thee .

Ca.

Iaques , I prethee fill me a cup of canary , three parts water

Le.

You shall haue all water and if it please you .

Enter Maide . Ma.

Who cald for a course napkin ?

Ca.

Marry I , sweete heart , do you take the paines to bring it your selfe , haue at you by my hosts leaue .

Ma.

Away sir , fie for shame .

Ca.

Hearke you my host , you must marry this young wench , you do her mighty wrong els .

Ver.

O sir , you are a merry man .

Enter Foyes and Labesha . Foy .

Good morrow gentlemen , you see I am as good as my word .

Mo.

You are sir , and I am very glad of it .

You are welcome Monsieur Foyes : but you are not , no not you .

Be.

No , welcome that Gentleman , t is no matter for me .

Le.

How sir ? no matter to you , by this rush I am angry with you , as if al our loues protested vnto you were dissembled , no matter for you ?

Bo.

Nay sweet Lemot be not angry , I did but iest , as I am a Gentleman .

Lem.

Yea but there s a difference of iesting , you wrong all our affections in so doing .

Be.

Faith and troth I did not , and I hope sirs you take it not so .

All .

No matter for me , t was very vnkindly sayd , I must needs say so .

La.

You see how they loue me .

Foy.

I do sir , and I am very glad of it .

Be ,

And I hope Lemot , you are not angry with me stil .

Le.

No faith , I am not so very a foole to be angry with one that cares not for me .

Be.

Do not I care for you ? nay then .

Ca.

What , dost thou cry ?

Be.

Nay I do not cry , but my stomacke waters to thinke that you should take it so heauily , if I do not wish that I were cut into three peeces , and that these peeces were turned into three blacke puddings , and that these three blacke puddings were turned into three of the fairest Ladies in the land for your sake , I would I were hanged , what a diuel can you haue more then my poore heart ?

Ca.

Well harke you Lemot , in good faith you are too blame to put him to this vnkindnes , I prethee be friends with him .

Le.

Well , I am content to put vp this vnkindnesse for this once , but while you liue take heede of : no matter for me .

Be.

Why is it such a hainous word ?

Le.

O the hainousest word in the world .

Be.

Wel , I le neuer speake it more , as I am a gentleman .

Le.

No I pray do not .

Foy.

My lord , will your lordship go to cards ?

Lor.

Yea with you Monsieur Foyes .

Ro.

Lemot , will you play ?

Le.

Pardon good Monsieur Rowle , if I had any disposition to gaming your company should draw me before any mans here .

Foy.

Labesha , what will you play ?

Lab.

Play , yea with all my heart , I pray lend me three pence .

Row

I le play no more .

Cat.

Why , haue you wonne or lost ?

Row .

Faith I haue lost two or three crownes .

Cat.

Well to him againe , I le be your halfe .

Lem.

Sirrah , Catalian , while they are playing at cardes , thou and I will haue some excellent sport : sirrah , dost thou know that same Gentleman there ?

Cat.

No yfaith , what is he ?

Lem.

A very fine gull , and a neat reueller , one that s heire to a great liuing , yet his father keepes him so short , that his shirts will scant couer the bottom of his belly , for all his gay outside , but the linings be very foule and sweatie , yea and perhappes lowsie , with dispising the vaine shiftes of the world .

Cat.

But he hath gotten good store of money now me thinks .

Lem.

Yea , and I wonder of it , some ancient seruing man of his fathers , that hath gotten four shillings in fiftie years vpon his great good husbandrie , he swearing monstrous othes to pay him againe , and besides to doe him a good turne ( when God shall heare his prayer for his father ) hath lent it him I warrant you , but howsoeuer , we must speake him faire .

Cat.

O what else !

L●…▪ God saue sweete Monsieur Rowls , what loose or win , loose or win ?

Row .

Faith sir saue myselfe , and loose my money .

Lem.

There s a prouerbe hit dead in the necke like a Cony , why hearke thee Catalian , I could haue told thee before what he would haue said .

Cat.

I do not thinke so .

Lem.

No , thou seest heer s a fine plumpe of gallants , such as thinke their wits singular , and their selues rarely accomplished , yet to shew thee how brittle their wittes be , I will speake to them seuerally , and I will tell thee before what they shall answer me .

Cat.

That s excellent , let s see that yfaith .

Lem.

Whatsoeuer I say to Monsieur Rowlee , he shall say , O sir , you may see an ill weed growes apace .

Cat.

Come , let s see .

Lem.

Now Monsieur Rowlee , me thinks you are exceedingly growne since your comming to Paris .

Row .

O sir , you may see an ill weed growes a pace .

Cat.

This is excellent , forward sir I pray .

Lem.

What soere I say to Labesha , he shall answer me , blacke will bee no other hue , and that same olde Iustice , as greedie of a stale prouerbe , he shall come in the necke of that and say , Blacke is a pearle in a womans eye .

Cat.

Yea , much yfayth .

Lem.

Looke thee , here comes hither Labesha , Catalian . and I haue beene talking of thy complexion , and I say that all the faire ladies in France would haue beene in loue with thee , but that thou art so blacke .

Labe.

O sir blacke will beare no other hue .

Foy.

O sir blacke is a pearle in a womans eye .

Lem.

You say true sir , you say true sir , sirrah Catalian , whatsoere I say to Berger that is so busie at Cardes , he shall answer me , sblood , I do not meane to die as long as I can see one aliue .

Cat.

Come let vs see you .

Lem.

Why Berger , I thought thou hadst beene dead , I haue not heard thee chide all this while .

Ber.

Sblood , I do not meane to die , as long as I can see one aliue .

Cat.

Why but hearke you Lemot , I hope you cannot make this lord answer so roundly .

Lem.

O , as right as any of them all , and he shall aunswere mee with an olde Latine Prouerbe , that is , usus promptos facit .

Cat.

Once more let s see .

Lem.

My lord , your lordship could not play at this game verie latelie , and nowe me thinkes you are growne exceeding perfite .

Mor.

O sir , you may see , vsus promptos facit .

Enter Iaques . Iaq.

Monsieur Lemot , here is a Gentleman and two Gentlewomen do desire to speake with you .

L●.

What are they come ? Yes , conuey them into the inwarde Parlour by the inwarde roome , and there is a brace of Crownes for thy labour , but let no bodie know of their being here .

Iaq.

I warrant you sir .

Lem.

See where they come : welcome my good lord and ladies , I le come to you presently : so , now the sport begins , I shall starte the disguised King plaguilie , nay I shall put the ladie that loues me in a monstrous fright , when her husband comes and finds her here .

Boy .

The Gentleman , and the two Gentlewomen desires your companie .

Lem.

I le come to them presently .

Foy .

Gentlemen , I le go speake with one , and come to The boy speakes in Foies his ear you presently .

Lem.

My lord , I would speake a worde with your lordship , if it were not for interrupting your game .

Lord .

No , I haue done Lemot .

Lem.

My lord there must a couple of ladies dine with vs to day .

Lord .

Ladies ? Gods my life I must be gone .

Lem.

Why , hearke you my Lorde , I knewe not of their comming I protest to your Lordship , and woulde you haue mee turne such faire Ladies as these are away ?

Lord

Yea but hearke you Lemot , did not you heare mee sweare to my Wife , that I woulde not tarie , if there were any women , I wonder you would suffer any to come there .

Lem.

Why you swore but by a kisse , and kisses are no holie things , you know that .

Lord .

Why but hearke you Lemot , indeed I would be very loath to do any thing , that if my wife should know it , should displease her .

Le.

Nay then you are to obsequious , hearke you , let me intreate you , and I le tell you in secrete , you shall haue no worse company then the Kings .

Lord .

Why will the King be there ?

Lem.

Yea , though disguised .

Lord .

Who are the ladies ?

Lem.

The flowers of Paris , I can tell you , faire countesse Florila , and the ladie Martia .

Enter Iaque . Iaq.

Monsieur Lemot , the gentleman and the two Gentlewomen desire your companie .

Lem.

I le come to them straight : but Iaques come hither I prethee , go to Labesha , and tell him that the Countesse Florila , and the ladie Martia be here at thy maisters house : and if it come in question hereafter , denie that thou tolde him any such thing .

Iaq.

What , is this all ? Sblood I le denie it , and feare it too .

Lem.

My Lorde , I le goe and see the roome be neate and fine , and come to you presently .

Lord.

Yea but hearke you Lemot , I prethee take such order that they be not knowne of any women in the house .

Lem.

O how shuld they now to his wife go yfaith !

Exit . Iaq.

Hearke you , Monsieur Labesha , I pray let me speak a worde with you .

Labe.

With all my heart , I pray looke to my stake , there s three pence vnder the Candle .

Iaq.

I pray see , do you know the Countesse Florila and the ladie Martia ?

Lab.

Do I know the ladie Martia ? I knew her before she was borne , why do you aske me ?

Ia.

Why , they are both here at my masters house .

Lab.

What , is Mistris Martia at an ordinarie ?

Ia.

Yea that she is .

La.

By skies and stones I le go and tel her father .

Exit . Enter Lemot and the Countesse . Cou.

What you are out of breath me thinks Monsieur Lemot ?

It is no matter Madam , it is spent in your seruice , that beare your age with your honesty , better then an hundred of these nise gallants , and indeed it is a shame for your husband , that contrary to his oath made to you before dinner , he shoud be now at the ordinary with that light huswife Martia , which I could not chuse but come and tell you ; for indeede it is a shame that your motherly care should be so slightly regarded .

Co.

Out on thee strumpet and accurst , and miserable dame .

Le.

Well , there they are : nothing els now , to her husband go I .

Exit . Co.

Nothing els quoth you , can there be more ? O wicked man , would he play false , that would so simply vow , and sweare his faith , and would not let me be displeased a minute , but he would sigh , and weepe til I were pleased , I haue a knife within that s rasor sharp , and I wil lay an yron in the fire , making it burning hot to mark the strumpet , but t will bee colde too ere I can come thither , doe something wretched woman , staies thou here ?

Exit . Enter Lemot . Le.

My lorde , the roome is neate and fine , wilt please you go in ?

Ue.

Gentlemen , your dinner is ready .

All .

And we are ready for it .

Le.

Iaquis , shut the doores let no body come in .

Exeunt omnes . Enter Laberuele , Foyes , Labesha , and the Countesse . La.

Where be these puritanes , these murderers , let me come in here ?

Fo.

Where is the strumpet ?

Co.

where is this harlot , let vs come in here .

La.

What shall we do ? the streets do wonder at vs , and we do make our shame knowne to the world , let vs go , and complaine vs to the King .

Fo.

Come Labesha , will you go ?

La.

No no I scorne to go ; no King shal heare my plaint , I will in silent liue a man forlorne , mad , and melancholy , as a cat , and neuer more weare hat band on my hat .

Enter Moren , and Martia . Mo.

What dost thou meane ? thou must not hang on me .

Mar.

O good lord Moren , haue me home with you , you may excuse all to my father for me .

Enter Lemot . Lem.

O my lord , be not so rude to leaue her now .

Lor.

Alas man , and if my wife should see it , I were vndone .

Enter the King and another . Ki.

Pursue them sirs , and taking Martia from him , conuay her presently to Valeres house .

What vilain was it that hath vttered this .

Enter the Puritane to Lemot . Le.

Why t was euen I , I thanke you for your gentle tearmes , you giue me vilain at the first , I wonder where 's this old doter , what doth he thinke we feare him .

Flo.

O monstrous man , what , wouldst thou haue him take vs ?

Le.

Would I quoth you , yea by my troth would I , I know he is but gone to cal the constable , or to raise the streets .

Flo.

What meanes the man trow ? is he mad ?

Le.

No , no , I know what I do , I doe it of purpose , I long to see him come and raile at you , to call you harlot , and to spurne you too , O you 'l loue me a great deale the better , and yet let him come , and if he touch but one thread of you , I le make that thread his poyson .

Flo.

I know not what to say .

Le.

Speake , do you loue me ?

Flo.

Yea surely do I .

Le,

Why then haue not I reason that loue you so dearely as I do , to make you hatefull in his sight , that I might more freely enioy you .

Flo.

Why let vs be gon my kind Lemot , and not be wondered at in the open streets .

Le.

I le go with you through fire , through death , throgh hell , come giue me your owne hand , my owne deare heart , this hand that I adore and reuerence , and loath to haue it , touch an olde mans bosome , O let me sweetely kisse it ; he bites .

Flo.

Out on thee wretch , he hath bit me to the bone , O barbarous Canibal , now I perceiue thou wilt make me a mocking stocke to all the world .

Le.

Come , come , leaue your passions , they cannot mooue mee , my father and my mother died both in a day , and I rung mee a peale for them , and they were no sooner brought to the church and laide in their graues , but I fetcht me two or three fine capers aloft , and took my leaue of them , as men do of their mistresses at the ending of a galiard ; Besilos manus .

Flo.

O brutish nature , how accurst was I euer to indure the sound of this damned voice ?

Le.

Well , and you do not like my humor , I can be but sory for it , I bit you for good will , and if you accept it , so , if no , go .

Flo.

Vilain , thou didst it in contempt of me .

Le.

Well , and you take it so , so be it : harke you Madam , your wisest course is , euen to become puritane againe , put off this vaine attire , and say , I haue despised all : thanks my God , good husband , I do loue thee in the Lord , and he ( good man ) will thinke all this you haue done , was but to shew thou couldest gouerne the world , and hide thee as a rainebow doth a storme : my dainty wench , go go , what shall the flattering words of a vaine man make you forget your dutie to your husband ? away , repent , amend your life , you haue discredited your religion for euer .

Flo.

Well wench , for this foule shame thou puttest on me , the curse of all affection light on thee .

Exit . Le.

Go Abacuck , go , why this is excellent , I shal shortly become a schoolemaster , to whom men will put their wiues , to practise ; well now wil I go set the Queene vpon the King , and tell her where he is close with his wench : and he that mends my humor , take the spurres : sit fast , for by heauen , i le iurke the horse you ride on .

Enter my host , Catalian , Blanuel , Berger , Iaquis , Maide , and Boy . Host.

Well Gentlemen , I am vtterly vndone without your good helpes , it is reported that I receiued certaine ladies or gentlewomen into my house : no here s my man , my maid , and my boy , now if you saw any , speak boldly before these Gentlemen .

Ia.

I saw none sir .

Boy .

Nor I , by my maidenhead .

Boy .

Nor I , as I am a man .

Ca.

Wel my host , wee le go answere for your house at this time , but if at other times you haue had wenches , and would not let vs know it , we are the lesse beholding to you .

Exeunt al , but my host and the Gentleman . Ber.

Peraduenture the more beholding to him , but I laye my life Lemot hath deuised some ieast , he gaue vs the slip before dinner .

Cat.

Well Gentlemen , since we are so fitly mette , I le tell you an excellent subiect for a fit of myrth , and if it bee well handled .

Ber.

Why , what is it ?

Cat.

Why man , Labesha is grown maruelous malecontent , vpon some amorous disposition of his mistres , and you know he loues a mease of cream , and a spice-cake with his heart , and I am sure he hath not dined to day , and he hath taken on him the humour of the yong lord Dowsecer , and we will set a mease of creame , a spice-cake , and a spoone , as the armour , picture , and apparell was set in the way of Dowsecer , which I doubt not but will woorke a rare cure vpon his melancholie .

Host.

Why , this is excellent , I le go fetch the creame .

Cat.

And I the cake .

Ber.

And I the spoone .

Exeunt , and come in againe . Cat.

See where hee comes as like the lord Dowsecer as may be , nowe you shall heare him begin with some Latin sentence that hee hath remembred euer since hee read his Accidence .

Enter Labesha . La.

Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cantum . O sillie state of things , for things they be that cause this sillie state : and He spies the creame . what is a thing , a bable , a toy , that stands men in small stead : but what haue we here ? what vanities haue we here ?

Host.

He is strongly tempted , the lord strengthen him , see what a vaine he hath .

Lab.

O cruell fortune , and dost thou spit thy spite at my poore life : but O sowre creame what thinkest thou that I loue thee still ? no , no , faire and sweete is my mistries , if thou haddest strawberries and sugar in thee : but it may bee thou art set with stale cake to choke me : well taste it , and trie it , spoonefull by spoonefull : bitterer and bitterer still , but O sowre creame , wert thou an Onion , since Fortune set thee for mee , I will eate thee , and I will deuour thee in spite of Fortunes spite , choake I , or burst I , mistres for thy sake , to end my life eate I this creame and cake .

Cat.

So he hath done , his Melancholy is well eased I warrant you .

Host.

Gods my life Gentlemen , who hath beene at this creame ?

Lab.

Creame , had you creame ? where is your creame ? I le spend my penny at your creame .

Cat.

Why , did not you eate this creame ?

Lab.

Talke not to me of creame , for such vaine meate I do despise as food , my stomack dies drowned in the cream boules of my mistres eyes .

Cat.

Nay-stay Labesha .

Lab.

No not I , not I .

Host.

O he is ashamed yfayth : but I will tell thee howe thou shalt make him mad indeed , say his mistres for loue of him hath drowned her selfe .

Cat.

Sblood , that will make him hang himselfe .

Exeunt omnes . Enter the Queene , Lemot , and all the rest of the lordes , and the Countesse : Lemots arme in a scarffe . Lemot.

haue at them yfayth with a lame counterfeite humor : ake on rude arme , I care not for thy paine , I got it nobly in the kings defence , and in the gardiance of my faire Queenes right .

Qu.

O tell me sweet Lemot , how fares the king ? or what his right was that thou didst defend ?

Lem.

That you shall know when other things are told .

Lab.

Keepe not the Queene too long without her longing .

Foyes.

No , for I tell you it is a daungerous thing .

Coun.

Little care cruell men how women long .

Le.

What would you haue me then put poyson in my breath , and burne the eares of my attentiue Queene .

Quee.

Tell me what ere it be , I le beare it all .

Lem.

beare with my rudenesse then in telling it , for alas you see I can but act it with the left hande , this is my gesture now .

Quee.

T is well enough .

Lem.

Yea well enough you say , this recompence haue I for all my woundes : then thus the King inamoured of an other ladie compares your face to hers , and saies that yours is fat and flat , and that your neather lip was passing big .

Quee.

O wicked man , doth he so sodainlie condemne my beautie , that when he married me he thought diuine : for euer blasted be that strumpets face , as all my hopes are blasted , that did change them .

Lem.

Nay Madam , though he saide your face was fat , and flat , and so forth , yet he liked it best , and said , a perfect beautie should be so .

La.

O did he so ! why that was right euen as it should be .

Foy .

You see now Madam , howe much too hastie you were in your griefes .

Que.

If he did so esteeme of me indeed , happie am I .

Coun.

So may your highnesse be that hath so good a husband , but hell hath no plague to such an one as I .

Lem.

Indeed Madam , you haue a bad husband : truly then did the king growe mightily in loue with the other ladie , and swore , no king could more inriched be , then to inioy so faire a dame as shee .

Cat.

O monstrous man , and acurst most miserable dame !

Le.

But saies the king I do inioy as faire , & though I loue in al honoured sort , yet I le not wrong my wife for al the world

Foy .

This proues his constancie as firme as brasse .

Que.

It doth , it doth : O pardon me my lord , that I mistake thy royall meaning so .

Coun

In heauen your highnesse liues , but I in hell .

Lem.

But when he vewd her radient eyes againe , blinde was hee strooken with her feruent beames : and now good King he gropes about in corners voide of the chearefull light should guide vs all .

Que.

O dismall newes , what is my soueraigne blind ?

Le.

Blind as a Beetle madam , that a while houering aloft , at last in cowsheds fall .

Lab.

Could her eyes blind him ?

Lem.

Eyes or what it was I know not , but blind I am sure he is as any stone .

Come bring me to my Prince my lord that I may leade him , none aliue but I may haue the honour to direct his feete .

Lem.

How lead him madam ? why hee can go as right as you , or any here , and is not blind of eyesight .

Quee.

Of what then ?

Lem.

Of reason .

Quee.

Why thou saidest he wanted his cheerfull light .

Lem.

Of reason still I meant , whose light you knowe should cheerefully guide a worthie King , for he doth loue her , and hath forced her into a priuate roome where now they are .

Quee.

What mocking chaunges is there in thy wordes fond man , thou murtherest me with these exclaimes .

Lem.

Why madam t is your fault , you cut mee off before my words be halfe done .

Quee.

Forth and vnlade the poyson of thy tongue .

Lem.

Another lord did loue this curious ladie , who hearing that the King had forced her , as she was walking with another Earle , ran straightwaies mad for her , and with a friend of his , and two or three blacke ruffians more , brake desperately vpon the person of the King , swearing to take from him , in traiterous fashion , the instrument of procreation : with them I fought a while , and got this wound , but being vnable to resist so many , came straight to you to fetch you to his ayde .

Lab.

Why raised you not the streetes ?

Lem.

That I forbore , because I would not haue the world , to see what a disgrace my liege was subiect to , being with a woman in so meane a house .

Foy .

Whose daughter was it that he forst I pray ?

Lem.

Your daughter sir .

La.

Whose sonne was that ranne so mad for her ?

Lem.

Your sonne my Lord .

La.

O Gods , and fiends forbid .

Co.

I pray sir , from whom did he take the Ladie ?

Le.

From your good Lord .

Co.

O Lord I beseech thee no .

Le.

T is all too true , come follow the Queen and I , where I shall leade you .

Qu.

O wretched Queene , what would they take from him ?

Le.

The instrument of procreation .

Enter Moren . Mo.

Now was there euer man so much accurst , that when his minde misgaue him , such a man was haplesse , to keep him company ? yet who would keep him company but I , O vilde Lemot , my wife and I are bound to curse thee while we liue , but chiefely I , well : seeke her , or seek her not ; find her , or find her not , I were as good see how hell opens , as looke vpon her .

Enter Catalian , and Berger behind him . Ca.

We haue yfaith , stop thou him there , and I wil meet him here .

Mo.

Well , I will venture once to seek her .

Ber.

Gods Lord , my Lord , come you this way , why your wife runnes ranging like as if she were mad , swearing to slit your nose if she can catch you .

Exit . Mo.

What shal I do at the sight of her and hern .

Ca.

Gods precious my Lord , come you this way , your wife comes ranging with a troope of dames , like Bacchus drunken foes , iust as you go , shift for your selfe my Lord .

Mo.

Stay good Catalian .

Ca.

No not I my Lord .

Exit . Mo.

How now Iaques , what s the newes ?

Enter Iaques . Iaq.

None but good my Lord .

Mo.

Why hast not seene my wife run round about the streets .

Ia.

Not I my Lorde , I come to you from my maister , who would pray you to speake to Lemot , that Lemot might speake to the King , that my masters lottery for his iewells may go forward , he hath made the rarest deuice that euer you heard , we haue fortune in it , and she our maide plaies , and I , and my fellow carrie two torches , and our boy goes before and speakes a speech , t is very fine yfaith sir .

Mo.

Sirra in this thou maiest highly pleasure me , let me haue thy place to beare a torch , that I may look on my wife , and she not see me , for if I come into her sight abruptly , I were better be hanged .

Ia.

O sir you shall , or any thing that I can do , I le send for your wife to .

Mor.

I prethee do .

Exeunt both . Enter the Queene , and all that were in before . Le.

This is the house where the mad Lord did vow to do the deed , draw all your swoords couragious gentlemen , I le bring you there where you shall honor win , but I can tell you , you must breake your shinne .

Ca.

Who will not breake his necke to saue his King : set forward Lemot .

Le.

Yea , much good can I do with a wounded arme , I le go and call more helpe .

Qu.

Others shall go , nay we will raise the streets , better dishonor , then destroy the King .

Le.

Sbloud I know not how to excuse my villany , I would faine be gone .

Enter Dowsecer , and his friend . Dow.

I le geld the adulterous goate , and take from him the instrument , that plaies him such sweete musicke .

La.

O rare , this makes my fiction true : now i le stay .

Quee.

Arrest these faithlesse traitrous gentlemen .

Dow.

What is the reason that you call vs traitours ?

La.

Nay , why do you attempt such violence against the person of the King ?

Dow.

Against the King , why this is strange to me .

Enter the King , and Martia . Ki.

How now my masters , what ? weapons drawne , come you to murder me .

Qu.

How fares my Lord ?

Ki.

How fare I ? well , but you yfaith shall get me speak for you another time ; he got me here to wooe a curious Lady , and she temptes him , say what I can , ouer what state I will in your behalfe Lemot , she will not yeeld .

Le.

Yfaith my liege , what a hard heart hath she , well hearke you , I am content your wit shall saue your honesty for this once .

Ki.

Peace , a plague OR you , peace ; but wherefore asked you how I did ?

Queene .

Because I feared that you were hurte my Lord .

Hurt , how I pray ?

Lem.

Why , hurt Madam , I am well againe .

Quee.

Do you aske ? why he told me Dowsecer and this his friend , threatned to take away .

Ki.

To take away , what should they take away .

Le.

Name it Madam .

Qu.

Nay , I pray name it you .

Le.

Why then , thus it was my liege , I told her Dowsecer , and this his friende threatned to take away , and if they could the instrument of procreation , and what was that now , but Martia beeing a fayre woman , is not shee the instrument of procreation , as all women are .

Qu.

O wicked man .

Le.

Go to , go to , you are one of those fiddles too yfaith .

Ki.

Well pardon my minion , that hath frayd you thus , t was but to make you mery in the end .

Qu.

I ioy it endes so well , my gracious Lord .

Fo.

But say my gracious Lord , is no harme done , betweene my louing daughter , and your grace ?

Ki.

No , of my honor and my soule Foyes .

Dow.

The fire of loue which she hath kindled in me being greater then my heate of vanity , hath quite expelled .

Come Dowsecer , receiue with your lost wittes your loue , though lost ; I know you le yeeld , my lord and you her father .

Both

Most ioyfully my Lord .

Ki.

And for her part I know her disposition well enough .

Lem.

What , will you haue her ?

Dow.

Yea mary will I .

Le.

I le go and tell Labesha presently .

Enter Iaquis , and my Host . Ia.

Monsieur I emot , I pray let me speake with you , I come to you from the Lord Moren , who would desire you to speake to the King for my masters lottery , and he hath my place to beare a torch , for bare faced hee dares not look vpon his wife , for his life .

Le.

O excellent , I le further thy masters lottery and it be but for this iest only , harke you my liege , here s the poore man hath bin at great charges for the preparation of a lottery , and he hath made the rarest deuice , that I know you wil take great pleasure in it , I pray let him present it before you at Valeros house .

Ki.

Whith all my heart , can you be ready so soone ?

Host.

Presently and if it like your grace .

Ki.

But hearke you Lemot , how shall we do for euery mans posie .

Le.

Will you all trust me with the making of them ?

All .

With all our hearts .

Le.

Why then I le go to make the poses and bring Iabesha to the lottery presently .

Enter Florila like a Puritan . Flo.

Surely the world is full of vanitie , a woman must take heed she do not heare a lewd man speake , for euery woman cannot when shee is tempted , when the wicked fiend gets her into his snares escape like me , for graces measure is not so filled vp , nor so prest downe in euery one as me , but yet I promise you a little more : well , I le go seeke my head , who shal take me in the gates of his kind armes vntoucht of any .

King .

What Madam are you so pure now ?

Flo.

Yea , would not you be pure ?

King .

No puritane .

Flo.

You must be then a diuell . I can tell you .

Lab.

O wife where hast thou beene ?

Flo.

where did I tell you I would be I pray .

Lab.

In thy close walke thou saidst .

Flo.

And was ' not ?

Lab.

Truly / know not , I neither looked nor knocked , for Labesha told me that you , and faire Martia were at Verones ordinarie .

Ki.

Labesha ? my lord you are a wise man to beleeue a fool .

Flo.

Well my good head , for my part I forgiue you : but surely you do much offend to be suspicious : where there is no trust , there is no loue , and where there is no loue twixt man and wife , there s no good dealing surely : for as men should euer loue their wiues , so should they euer trust them , for what loue is there where there is no trust ?

King .

She tels you true , my lord .

Lab.

Shee doth my liege ; and deare wife pardon this and I will neuer be suspicious more .

Flo.

Why I say , I do .

Enter Lemot , leading Labesha in a halter . Lem.

Looke you my liege , I haue done simple seruice amongest you , here is one had hanged himselfe for loue , thinking his Mistresse had done so for him : well , see your Mistresse liues .

Labesh

And doth my Mistresse liue ?

King .

Shee doth , O noble knight , but not your Mistresse now .

Lab.

Sblood , but she shall for me , or for no body else .

Lem.

How now , what a traitor , draw vpon the King .

Lab.

Yea , or vpon any woman here in a good cause .

King .

Well sweete Besha let her marry Dowsecer , I le get thee a wife worth fifteene of her , wilt thou haue one that cares not for thee ?

Lab.

Not I by the Lord , I scorne her , I le haue her better if I can get her .

King .

Why that s well said .

Lem.

What Madam , are you turned puritan againe ?

Elo.

When was I other , pray ?

Lem.

Marie I le tell you when , when you went to the Ordinarie , and when you made false signes to your husband , which I could tell him all .

Flo.

Cursed be he that maketh debate twixt man & wife .

Lem.

O rare scripturian ! you haue sealed vp my lips , a hall , a hall , the pageant of the Butterie .

Enter two with torches , the one of them Moren , then my host and his son , then his maid drest like Queene Fortune with two pots in her hands . King .

What is he ?

Lem.

This is Verones sonne , my liege .

King .

What shall he do ?

Cat

Speak some speach that his father hath made for him

Qu.

Why is he good at speeches ?

Cat.

O he is rare at speaches .

Boy .

Faire ladies most tender , and nobles most slender , and gentles whose wits be scarce .

Ki.

My host , why do you call vs nobles most slender ?

Host.

And it shall please your Grace , to be slender is to be proper , and therfore where my boy saies nobles most slender , it is as much to say , fine and proper nobles .

Le.

Yea , but why do you call vs gentles whose wits are scarce .

Host.

To be scarce , is to be rare : and therefore where as he sayes Gentles whose wits be scarce , is as much as to say , Gentles whose wits be rare .

Lem.

Well , forwards trunchman .

Boy .

Faire ladies most tender , and nobles most slender , and gentles whose wittes bee scarce , Queene Fortune doth come with her trumpe , and her drumme , as it may appeare by my voice .

Lab.

Come hither , are you a schoolemaister , where was Fortune Queene , of what countrey or kingdome ?

Host.

Wy sir , Fortune was Queene ouer all the world .

Lab.

That s a lie , there s none that euer conquered all the world , but maister Alisander , I am sure of that .

Lem.

O rare Monsieur Labesha , who would haue thought hee could haue found so rare a fault in the speach .

Host.

I le alter it if it please your grace .

King .

No , t is very well .

Boy .

Father I must begin againe they interrupt me so .

Ho.

I beseech your grace giue the boy leaue to begin again .

King .

With all my heart , t is so good we cannot heare it too oft .

Boy .

Faire ladies most tender , and nobles most slender , and gentles whose wittes are scarce , Queene Fortune doth come with her Fife , and her Drum , as it doth appeare by my voice , here is Fortune good , but il by the rood , and this naught but good shall do you , dealing the lots out of our pots , and so good Fortune to you sir .

Lem.

Looke you my liege , how hee that caries the torch trembles extreamly .

Kin.

I warrant t is with care to carie his torch well .

Lem.

Nay there is something else in the wind : why my host what meanes thy man Iaques to tremble so ?

Host.

Hold still thou knaue , what art thou afraid to looke vpon the goodly presence of a king : hold vp for shame .

Lem.

Alas poore man , he thinks t is Iaques his man : poore lord , how much is he bound to suffer for his wife ?

King

Hearke you mine host , what goodly person is that ? is it Fortune herselfe ?

Host.

I le tell your Maiestie in secrete who it is , it is my maide Iaquena .

King .

I promise you she becomes her state rarely .

Lem.

Well my liege , you were all content that I should make your poses : well here they be euery one : giue Master Verone his fiue crownes .

King .

There s mine aud the Queenes .

Labesh.

Theirs ours

Dow.

And there is mine and Martias .

Lem.

Come Labesha thy money .

Lab

You must lend me some , for my boy is runne away with my purse .

Le.

Thy boy ? I neuer knew any that thou hadst .

Lab.

Had not I a boy three or foure yeares ago , and he ran away .

Lem.

And neuer since he went thou hadst not a peny , but stand by , I le excuse you . But sirrah Catalian , thou shalt stand on one side and reade the prises , and I will stand on the other and read the Poses .

Cat.

Content Lemot .

Lem.

Come on Queene Fortune , tell eueryman t is posie , this is orderly , the King and Queene are first .

King .

Come let vs see what goodly poses you haue giuen vs .

Lem.

This is your Maiesties , At the fairest , so it bee not Martia .

King .

A plague vpon you , you are still playing the villaines with me .

Le.

This is the Queenes , Obey the Queene : and she speakes it to her husband , or to Fortune , which she will .

Cat.

A prise : your Maiesties is the summe of foure shillings in gold

King .

Why how can that be there is no such coyne .

Host.

Here is the worth of it , if it please your grace .

Quee.

Well , what s for me ?

Ca.

A heart of gold .

Quee.

A goodly iewell .

Le.

Count Laberuele and Florila .

La.

What s my posie sir I pray ?

Le. Mary this my Lord , Of all fortunes friends , that hath ioy in this life , He is most happy that puts a sure trust in his wife . La.

A very good one sir , I thanke you for it .

Flo.

What s mine I pray ?

Le. Mary this Madam , Good fortune be thou my good fortune bringer , And make me amends for my poore bitten finger . La.

Who bit your finger wife ?

Flo.

No body ; t is vaine posie .

Ca.

Blanke for my lord Laberuele , for his wife a posie , a paire of holy beades with a crucifix .

Flo.

O bommination Idole , I le none of them .

Ki.

Keepe them thy self Veron , she will not haue them .

Le.

Dowsecer and Martia I haue fitted your lordship for a posie .

Dow.

Why what is it ?

Le.

Anno omnia vna .

Ma.

And what is mine sir ?

Le.

A serious one I warrant you change : for the better .

Ma.

That s not amisse .

Ca.

A price : Dowsecer hath a cats eyes or Mercuries rod of gold , set with Iacinths and Emeralds .

Dow

What is for Martia ?

Ca.

Martia hath the two serpents heades set with Diamonds .

Le.

What my host Uerone ?

Ki.

What ? is he in for his owne iewells .

Le.

O what els my liege , t is our bountie , and his posie is To tel you the truth in words plaine and mild , Veron loues his maide , and she is great with child .

Ki.

What Queene fortune with child , shall we haue yong fortunes my host ?

Host.

I am abused , and if it please your Maiestie .

Maid .

I le play no more .

Lem.

No saith you need not now , you haue plaid your bellie full alreadie

Host.

Stand still good Iaquena , they do but ieast .

Maid.

Yea , but I like no such ieasting .

Lem.

Come great Queene Fortune , let see your posies , what madam , alas , your ladiship is one of the last .

Coun.

What is my posie sir I pray ?

Lem.

Marie Madam your posie is made in maner and forme of an Eccho , as if you were seeking your husbande , and fortune should be the Eccho , and this you say : where is my husband his so long vnmaskt , maskt ? sayes the Eccho , but in what place sweete Fortune ? let me heare : heare sayes the Eccho .

King .

There you lie Eccho , for if he were here we must needes see him .

Lem.

Indeed sweete King there me thinkes the Eccho must needes lie , if hee were here wee must needes see him , t is one of them that caries the torches : no that cannot be neither , and yet by the Masse here s Iaques , why my host , did not you tell me that Iaques should be a torchbearer : who is this ? Gods my life , my lord .

Mor.

And you be Gentlemen let me go .

Coun.

Nay come your way , you may be well enough ashamed to shew your face that is a periured wretch , did not you sweare , if there were any wenches at the ordinarie , you would straight come home .

King .

Why , who tolde you Madam , there were any there ?

Coun.

He that will stand to it Lemot my liege .

Lem.

who I stand to it , alas , I tolde you in kindnesse , and good will , because I would not haue you companie long from your husband .

Mor.

Why loe you bird , how much you are deceiued .

Co.

Why wherefore were you afraid to be seene ?

Mor.

Who I afraid ? alas I bore a torch to grace this honorable presence , for nothing els sweete bird .

King .

Thanks good Moren , see lady with what wrong you haue pursued your most inamored lord : but come now al are friends , now is this day spent with an hurtfull motiues of delight , and ouer ioyes more my senses at the night : and now for Dowsecer , if all will follow my deuise , his beauteous loue and he shal married be , and here I solemnly inuite you all home to my court , where with feastes wee will crowne this myrthfull day , and vow it to renowne .

FINIS .