The Wits

THis Play , called THE WITTS , as it was Acted without offence , may bee Printed , not otherwise .

19. Ianuary 1635 . HENRY HERBERT .

THE WITTS .

A Comedie , PRESENTED AT THE Private House in Blacke Fryers , by his Majesties Servants .

The Authour WILLIAM D'AVENANT , Servant to Her Majestie .

LONDON , Printed for RICHARD MEIGHEN , next to the Middle Temple in Fleetstreet . 1636 .

TO THE CHIEFLY Belov'd of all that are Ingenious , and Noble , ENDYMION PORTER , of his Majesties Bedchamber . SIR ,

THough you covet not acknowledgements , receive what belongs to you by a double title : your goodnesse hath preserv'd life in the Author ; then rescu'd his worke from a cruel Faction ; which nothing but the forces of your reason , and your reputation could subdue . If it become your pleasure now , as when it had the advantage of presentation on the Stage , I shall be taught , to boast some merit in my selfe ; but with this inference ; you still ( as in that doubtfull day of my triall ) endeavour to make shew of so much justice , as may countenance the love you beare to

Your most oblieg'd , and thankfull humble Servant , WILLIAM DAVENANT .

TO THE READER OF Mr. WILLIAM D'AVENANT'S Play . IT hath been said of old , that Playes are Feasts , Poets the Cookes , and the Spectators Guests , The Actors Waiters : From this Similie , Some have deriv'd an unsafe libertie To use their Judgements as their Tastes , which chuse Without controule , this Dish , and that refuse : But Wit allowes not this large Priviledge , Either you must confesse , or feele it's edge ; Nor shall you make a currant inference If you trans-fer your reason to your sense : Things are distinct , and must the same appeare To every piercing Eye , or well-tun'd Eare . Though sweets with yours , sharps best with my taste meet , Both must agree this meat 's or sharpe or sweet : But if I sent a stench or a perfume , Whilst you smell nought at all , I may presume You have that sense imperfect : So you may Affect a sad , merry , or humerous Play , If , though the kind distaste or please , the Good And Bad , be by your Judgement understood ; But if , as in this Play , where with delight I feast my Epicurean appetite With rellishes so curious , as dispence The utmost pleasure to the ravisht sense , You should professe that you can nothing meet That hits your taste , either with sharpe or sweet , But cry out , 't is insipid ; your bold Tongue May doe it's Master , not the Author wrong ; For Men of better Pallat will by it Take the just elevation of your Wit . T. CAREW .

THE PROLOGVE . BLesse mee you kinder Stars ! How are wee throng'd ? Alas ! whom , hath our long sick-Poet wrong'd , That hee should meet together in one day A Session and a Faction at his Play ? To Iudge , and to Condemne : For 't cannot be Amongst so many here , all should agree . Then 't is to such vast expectation rais'd , As it were to be wonder'd at , not prais'd : And this , good faith Sir Poet ( if I 've read Customes , or Men ) strikes you , and your Muse dead ! Conceave now too , how much , how oft each Eare Hath surfeited in this our Hemispheare , With various , pure , eternall Wit ; and then My fine young Comick Sir , y' are kill'd agen . But 'bove the mischiefe of these feares , a sort Of cruell Spies ( wee heare ) intend a sport Among themselves ; our mirth must not at all Tickle , or stir their Lungs , but shake their Gall . So this joyn'd with the rest , makes mee agin To say , You and your Lady Muse within Will have but a sad doome ; and your trim Brow Which long'd for Wreathes , you must weare naked now ; ' Lesse some resolve out of a courteous pride , To like and praise what others shall deride : So they 've their humor too ; and wee in spight Of our dull Braines , will thinke each side i' th right . Such is your pleasant judgements upon Playes , Like Par'lells that run straight , though sev'rall wayes .

The Persons of the Comedy . Pallatine the Elder , Richly Landed , and a Witt . Pallatine the Younger , A Witt too , but lives on his exhibition in Towne . Sir Morglay Thwack , A humorous rich old Knight . Sir Tirant Thrift , Guardian to the Lady Ample . Meager , A Souldier newly come from Holland Pert , His Comrade . Engine , Steward to Sir Tirant Thrift . The Lady Ample , An Inheretrix , and Ward to Sir Tirant Thrift . Lucy , Mistresse to the Younger Pallatine . Ginet , Woman to the Lady Ample . Snore , A Constable . Mistresse Snore , His wife . Mistresse Queasie , Her Neighbour . Watchmen , &c.

The Scene LONDON .

THE WITS .

ACT. 1. SCEN. 1. Enter Young Pallatine , Meager , Pert. Young Pallatine . WElcome o'shore Meager ! Give me thy hand ! T is a true one , and will no more forsake A Bond , or Bill , then a good Sword ; a hand That will shift for the Body , till the Lawes Provide for both . Meag. Old Wine , and new Cloathes Sir , Make you wanton ! D' you not see Pert , my Comrade ? Yo: Pallat. Ambiguous Pert ! hast thou danc'd to the Drum too ? Could a Taffeta scarfe , a long Estridge whing , A stiffe Iron Doublet , and a Brazeele Pole Tempt thee from Cambrick sheets , fine active Thighs , From Caudles where the precious Amber swims ? Pert. Faith , wee have been to kill , wee know not whom , Nor why : Led on to break a Commandement , With the consent of Custom and the Lawes . Meag. Mine was a certaine inclination Sir To doe mischiefe , where good men of the Iury , And a dull Congregation of gray Beards Might urge no tedious Statute 'gainst my life ! Yo: Pallat. Nothing but Honor could seduce thee , Pert ! Honor ! which is the hope of the Youthfull , And the old Souldiers wealth , a jealousie To the Noble , and mist'ry to the wise . Pert. It was Sir , no Geographicall fancie ( Cause in our Maps , I lik'd this Region here More than that Countrey lying there ) made mee Partiall which to fight for . Yo: Pallat. True , sage Pert . What is 't to thee whether one Don Diego A Prince , or Hans van Holme , Fritter seller Of Bombell , doe Conquer that Parapet , Redout , or Towne , which thou nere saw'st before ? Pert.

Not a brasse Thimble to mee ! but Honor ! —

Yo: Pallat. Why right ! els wherfore shouldst thou bleed for him , Whose Money , Wine , nor Wench , thou nere hast us'd ? Or why destroy some poore Root-eating Souldier , That never gave thee the ly , deny'd to pledge Thy Cockatrices health , nere spit upon Thy Dog , jear'd thy Spur-leather , or return'd Thy Tooth-pick ragged , which hee borrowed whole ? Pert.

Never to my knowledge !

Meag. Comrade ! t is time — Yo: Pallat. What , to unship your Trunkes at Billings gate ? Fierce Meager ! why such haste ? doe not I know , That a Mouse yoak'd to a Pescod , may draw With the fraile Cordage of one haire , your Goods About the World ? Pert.

Why wee have Linnen Sir !

Yo. Pallat. As much Sir as will fill a Tinder Box , Or make a Frog a shirt . I like not friends , This quiet , ' mo iest posture of your Shoulders ! Why stir you not , as you were practising To Fence , or doe you hide your Cattell , least The Skipper make you pay their passage over ? Pert. Know Pallatine ! Truth is a naked Lady , Shee will shew all ! Meager , and I have not — Yo: Pall. The Treasure of Saint Marks I believe Sir , Though you are as rich as cast Servingmen , Or Bawdes led thrice into Captivity ! Pert. Thou hast a heart of the right stamp ; I find It is not comely in thine eyes , to see Vs Sons of war walke by the pleasant Vines Of Gascoiny , as wee believ'd the Grapes Forbidden Fruit : sneake through a Taverne with Remorse , as wee had read the Alcharon , And made it our best Faith . Meag. And abstaine flesh , As if our English Beefe were all reserv'd For Sacrifice . Pert Whilst Colon keepes more noyse Than Mariners at Playes , or Apple-wives That wrangle for a Sive ! Meag.

Contribute , come !

Yo: Pallat. Stand there close on you lives ! here in this house Lives a rich old Hen , whose young Egge . ( though not Of her owne laying ) I have in the Embers ! Shee may prove a Morsell for a discreet Mouth , If the kind Fates have but the leasure to Betray the old one . Pert. Pallatine . No plots upon generation ; wee two Have fasted so long , that wee cannot thinke Of begetting any thing , unlesse Like Cannibals , wee might eate our owne Issue . Yo: Pallat.

I say close ; shrinke in your Morions ! goe !

Meager .

Why hidden thus ? a Souldier may appeare .

Yo: Pallat. Yes in a Sutlers Hut on the Pay-day : But doe you know the silence of this house , The gravity and awe ? here dwels a Lady , That hath not seene a street , since good King Harry Cald her to a Masque : shee is more devout Then a Weaver of Banbury , that hopes T' intice Heaven ( by singing ) to make him Lord Of twenty Loomes . I never saw her yet : And to arrive at my preferment first , In your sweet company will ( I take it ) Add but little to my hopes . Retire ! goe ! They step aside , whilst he cals betweene the Hangings Pert. We shall obey , but doe not tempt us now With sweet meates for the neather Pallat ! doe not — Yo: Pallat. What Lucy ! Luce ! now is the old Beldame Misleading her to a Cushion ; where she Must pray , and sigh , and fast , untill her knees Grow smaller then her Knockles . Lucy ! Luce . No hope ! she is undone ! she le number o're As many Orisons , as if she had A Bushell of Beades to her Rosary ! Lucy ! my Aprill love ! my Mistresse speake ! — Enter Lucy . Lucy . Pallatine , for Heavens sake keepe in your voice ! My cruell Aunt will heare , and I am lost . Yo: Pallat. What can she heare , when her old eares are stuff'd With as much warme waxe , as will seale nine Leases ? What a pox does she listning upon earth ? I' st not time for her t' affect privacie ? To creepe into a close darke Vault , there gossip . With wormes , and such small tame creatures , as Heaven Provided to accompany old People ? Lucy . Still better'd unto worse ! but that my heart Consents not to disfigure thee , thou wouldst be torne To pieces numberlesse as sand , or as The doubts of guilt , or love , in Cowards are ! Yo: Pal.

How now Luce ! from what strange coast this storm ! hah !

Lucy . Thou dost out-drinke the youth of Norway at Their Marriage feasts , out-sweare a puny Gamster When his first misfortune rages out quarrell , One that rides post , and is stopt by a Cart : Thy walking houres are later in the night , Then those which Drawers , Traytors , or Constables Themselves doe keepe ; for Watchmen know thee better Then their Lanthorne ! and here 's your Surgeons Bill , Your kind thrift ( I thanke you ) hath sent it me To pay , as if the poore exhibition My Aunt allowes for Aprons , would maintaine You in Seareclothes . — Gives him a paper . Meger. Can the Daughters of Brabant Talke thus when Younker-gheek leads 'em to a Stove ? Pert. I say ( Meager ) there is a small parcell Of Man , that rebels more then all the rest Of his body , and I shall need ( if I Stay here ) no Elixer of Beefe to exalt Nature , though I were leaner then a groat ! Yo: Pallat. This Surgeon 's a Rogue ( Luce ) a fellow Luce That hath no more care of a Gentlemans Credit , then of the Lint , he hath twice us'd ! Lucy .

Well Sir , but what 's that Instrument he names ?

Yo: Pall He writes down here for a toole of Injection Luce , a small water Engine which I bought For my Taylors Child to squirt at Prentises ! Luce. I Sir , he sins more against wit then Heaven , That knowes not how t' excuse what he hath done ! I shall be old at twenty Pallatine , My griefe to see thy manners , and thy mind Hath wrought so much upon my heart ! Yo: Pallat. I 'de as live keepe our Marriage Supper In a Churchyard , and beget our Children In a Coffin , as heare thee prophesie ; Luce , thou art drunke Luce ; farre gone in Almond Milke , Kisse me ! — Pert.

Now I dissolve like an Eringo ?

Meager .

He 's ploughing o' the Indies , good Gold appeare !

Yo: Pallat. I am a new man Luce ; thou shalt find me In a Geneva-band , that was reduc'd From an old Alder-mans Cuffe ; no more haire left Then will shakle a flea ; this debash'd Whineyard , I will reclaime to comely Bow and Arrowes , And shoot with Haberdashers at Finsbury , And be thought the Grand-child of Adam-Bell ! And more ( my Luce ) hang at my velvet Girdle , A Booke wrapp'd in a greene Dimity Bagge , And squire thy untooth'd Aunt to an exercise . Lucy .

Nothing but strict Lawes , and age will tame you .

Yo: Pallat.

What money hast thou Luce ?

Lucy .

I there 's your busines .

Yo: Pallat. It is the busines of the world : Injuries grow . To get it , Iustice sits for the same end ; Men are not wise without it ; for it makes Wisedome knowne ; and to be a Foole , and poore , Is next t' old Aches and bad Fame ; t is worse Than to have six new Creditors , they each Twelve Children , and not bread enough to make The Landlord a Tost , when hee cals for Ale And Rent . Think on that , and rob thy Aunts Trunks Ere shee hath time to make an Inventory . Pert.

A cunning Pioner ! hee works to th' bottome .

Lucy . Hast thou no taste of Heav'n ? wert thou begot In a Prison , and bred up in a Galley ? Yo: Pallat. Luce ! I speake like one that hath seene the Booke Of Fate : I 'm loath ( for thy sake ) to mount a Coach With two wheeles ; whilst the Damzels of the Shop Cry out , A goodly strait chin'd Gentleman ! Hee dyes , for robbing an Atturnies Cloak-bag Of Copper-seales , foule Night-caps , together With his wives Bracelet of Mill-Testers ! Lucy . There Sir ! — Flings him a Purse . T is gold ! my Pendants , Carckanets , and Rings , My Christning Caudle-cup , and Spoones Are dissolv'd into that Lumpe . Nay , take all ! And with it as much anger as would make Thy Mother write thee illegitemate ! See me no more ! I will not stay to blesse My gift ; lest I should teach my patience suffer Till I convert it into Sin . Exit . Yo: Pallat. Temptations will not thrive . This Bagadge sleeps Crosse legg'd , and the Devill has no more power O're that charme , than dead Men o're their lewd Heires . I must marry her , and spend my revenue In Cradles , Pins , and Sope ! That 's th' end of all That scape a deepe River , and a tall Bough . Meag.

Pallatine ! How much ?

Pert.

Honorable Pall !

Yo: Pallat. Gentlemen , you must accept without gaging Your corporall Oathes , to repay in three dayes ! Pert.

Not wee ( Pall ) in three Iubilies , feare not !

Yo: Pallat. Nor shall you charge mee with loud vehemence ( Thrice before company ) to wait you in My chamber such a night ; for then , a certaine Drover of the South comes to pay you money ! Meag.

On our new Faithes !

Pert.

On our Allegiance Pall !

Yo: Pall. Go then ! — shift , and brush your skins well , d' you hear ! Meet me at the new Play ; faire , and perfum'd ! There are strange words hang on the lips of Rumor ! Pert.

Language of joy deere Pall !

Yo: Pallat. This day is come To Towne , the Minion of the womb ( my Lads ) My elder Brother , and hee moves like some Assyrian Prince ; his Chariots measure Leagues Witty , as youthfull Poets in their wine ! Bold as a Centaure at a Feast , and kind As Virgins that were nere beguild with love ! I seeke him now , meet and triumph ! Meager , King Pall ! — Exeunt Omnes . Pert . Enter Sir Morglay Thwack , Eld. Pallatine , new and richly clothed , buttoning themselves . Eld. Pallat. Sir Morglay ! come ! the houres have wings , and you Are growne too old , t' overtake them : The Towne Lookes ( me thinkes ) as it would invite the Countrey To a Feast . Thwack . At which Serjeants and their Yeomen Must be no Waiters ( Pallatine ) lest some O' the Guests pretend busines : how dost like me ? Eld. Pallat. As one , old women shall no more avoid , Then they can warme Furs or Muskadell ! Thwack , Pallatine ! to have a volatile Ache , That removes oftner then the Tartars Campe ; To have a stich that fucks a man awry , Till he shew crooked as a Chestnut Bough , Or stand in the deform'd Guard of a Fencer ; To have these hid in Flesh , that has liv'd sinfull Fifty long yeares ; yet husband , so much strength As could convay mee hither , fourscore Miles On a disigne of Wit , and glory may Be Registred for a strange Northerne Act . Eld. Pallat. I cannot boast those Noble Malladies As yet ; but Time ( deare Knight ) as I have heard , May make mans knowledge bold upon himselfe . We travell in the grand cause ! These smooth Rags , These Iewels too , that seeme to smile e're they Betray , are certaine silly snares , in which Your Lady-wits , and their wise Compeers-Male May chance be caught ! Enter Young Pallatine . Yo: Pallat. Your welcome ( Noble Brother ) Must be hereafter spoke , for I have lost With glad haste to find you , much of my Breath ! — Eld. Pallat.

Your joy becomes you it hath Courtship in 't !

Yo: Pallat. Sir Morglay Thwack ! I did expect to see The Archer Cimbeline , or old King Lud Advance his Fauchion here agen , e're you 'Mongst so much smoke , diseases , Law , and noyse ! Thwack . What your Towne gets by mee , let 'um lay up For their Orphans , and Record in their Annals ! I come to borrow where I le never lend , And buy what I le never pay for . Yo: Pallat.

Not your Debts ?

Thwack . No Sir , though to a poore Brownists widdow ! Though shee sigh all night , and have the next morning Nothing to drinke , but her owne Teares . Eld. Pallat. Nor shalt thou lend money to a sick friend , Though the sad worme ly morgag'd in his bed For the hire of his Sheets . Yo: Pallat. These are Resolves , That give mee newer wonder than your Cloathes ; Why in such shining Trim , like Men that come From rifled Tents , loaden with victory ? Eld. Pal. Yes Brother , or like eager heires new dipp'd In Inke , that seal'd the day before in haste , Lest Parchment should grow deere . Know Youth wee come To be the businesse of all Eyes , to take The wall of our St. George on his Feast day ! Thwack . Yes , and then imbarke at Dover , and doe The like to St. Dennis : All this ( young Sir ) Without charge too ; I meane , to us ; wee bring A humerous odd Phylosophy to Towne That sayes , pay nothing ! Yo: Pal.

Why , where have I liv'd ?

Eld. Pal. Brother be calme , and edifie ! But first Receive a Principle , never hereafter ( From this warme breathing , till your last cold sigh ) Will I disburse for you agen ; Never ! Yo: Pal. Brother mine , if that be your Argument , I deny the Maior ! Thwack .

Resist Principles ?

El. Pal. Good faith , though you should send me more Epistles Than young Factors in their first voyage write Vnto their short hair'd Friends ; than absent Lovers Pen neere their Mariage weeke , t' excuse the slow Arrivall of the License , and the Ring , Not one clipp'd penny should depart my reach . Yo: Pal.

This Doctrine will not passe , how shall I live ?

Eld. Pall.

As we intend to doe , by our good witts !

Yo: Pall.

How , Brother , how ?

Eld: Pall. Truth is a pleasant knowledge ; Yet you shall have her cheape , Sir Morglay here , ( My kind Disciple ) and my selfe , have leas'd Out all our Rents and Lands for pious uses ! Yo: Pall. What , Co-founders ! give Legacies ere death ! Pallatine the pious , and St Morglay ! Your names will sound but ill i th Kallender . How long must this fierce raging zeale continue ? Eld: Pall. Till we subsist here no more by our wit , Then wee le renounce the Towne , and patiently Vouchsafe to reassume our Mother Earth , Lead on our Ploughs into their rugged walkes Agen , grope our young Heifers in the flanke , And swagger in the wooll , wee shall borrow From our owne flocks . Thwack . But ere we goe , we may From the vast treasure purchas'd by our wit , Leave heere some Monument to speake our Fame . I have a strong mind to reedifie The decayes of Fleet-Ditch , from whence I heare The roaring Vestals late are fled , through heat Of persecution . Yo: Pal. What a small star have I , That never yet could light mee to this way ! Live by our wits ? El: Pall. So live , that Usurers , Shall call their Moneys in , remove their Banke T' Ordinaries , Spring-garden , and Hide-parke , Whilst their glad Sons are left seven for their chance , At Hazard , Hundred , and all made at Sent ; Three motly Cocks o' th right Derby straine , Together with a Foale of Beggibrigge ! Thwa. Sir , I will match my Lord Maiors horse , make Iockeys Of his Hench-boyes , and run 'em through Cheap-side . Eld. Pallat. What beauties Girles of feature governe now I' th towne ? t is long since wee did traffique here , In midnight whispers , when the Dialect Of Loves loose Wit , is frighted into signes , And secret laughter stifled into smiles : When nothing's loud but the old Nurses Cough ! Who keepes the Game up , hah ! who misled now ? Thwack . Not Sir , that if wee wooe , wee le be at charge For Looks ; or if wee marry , make a Ioynture , Entaile Land on women ? entaile a Back , And so much else of Man , as Nature did Provide for the first wife . Eld. Pallat. I could keepe thee , Thy future Pride , thy Surfets , and thy Lust , ( I meane , in such a garb as may become A Christian Gentleman ) with the sole Tithe Of Tribute , I shall now receive from Ladies . Thwack . Your Brother , and my selfe have seal'd to Covenants ! The Female Youth o' th towne are his ; but all From forty to fourscore , mine owne : A widow ( You 'l say ) is a wise , solemne , wary Creature ; Though she hath liv'd to 'th cunning of dispatch , Clos'd up nine Husbands eies , and have the wealth Of all their Testaments , in one Month Sir , I will waste her to her first Wedding-smock , Her single Ring , Bodkin , and Velvet-Muffe . Yo: Pallat. Your Rents expos'd at home , for Pious uses Must expiate your behaviour here ; Tell mee , Is that the subtle plot you have on Heaven ? Thwack The worm of your worships conscience would appear As big as a Conger , but a good eye May chance to find it slender as a Grigge ! Yo: Pallat. Amazement knowes no ease , but in demands , Pray tell mee Gentlemen , to all this vaste Disignment ( which so strikes my Eare ) deduct You nought from your revenue , nought that may Like Fuell , feed the flame of your expense ? Eld. Pall. Brother , not so much as will find a Iew Bacon to his Egges : These gay tempting Weeds , These Easterne stones of cunning foile , bespoke Gainst our arrivall here , together with A certaine stock of Crownes in eithers purse , Is all the charge that from our proper owne , Begins or furthers the magnifique plot , And of these Crownes , not one must be usurp'd By you . Thwack .

No reliefe , but Wit and good Counsell !

Eld. Pallat. The stock my Father left you , if your care Had purpos'd so discreet a course might well Have set you up i' th Trade , but we spend light ! Our Coach is yet unwheel'd , Sir Morglay , come , Le ts sute those Friesland horse with our owne straine ! Yo: Pallat.

Why Gentlemen , will the disigne keepe horses ?

Thwack .

May be Sir they shall live by their Wits too !

Yo: Pall. Their Masters are bad Tutors else ; well , how You 'l worke the Ladies , and weake Gentry here By your fine gilded Pills , a Faith that is Not old may guesse without distrust . But Sirs , The Citty ( take 't on my experiment ) Will not be gull'd ! Thwack . Not gull'd ? they dare not be So impudent ! I say they shall be gull'd , And trust , and breake , and pawne their Charter too ! Yo: Pallat. Is it lawfull ( Brother ) for me to laugh That have no money ? Eld. Pallat.

Yes Sir , at your selfe !

Yo: Pallat. Two that have tasted Natures kindnesse Arts , And men , have shin'd in moving Camps ; have seene Courts in their solemne businesse , and vaine pride ; Convers'd so long i' th towne here , that you know Each Signe , and Pibble in the streets ; for you ( After a long retirement ) to lease forth Your wealthy pleasant Lands , to feed Iohn Crump , The Cripple , Widow Needy , and Abraham Sloath , the Beads-man of More-dale ? Then ( forsooth ) Perswade your selves to live here by your Wits . Thwack Where wee nere cheated in our Youth , we resolve To couzen in our Age . Eld. Pallat. Brother , I came To be your wise example in the Arts That lead to thriving glory , and supreame life ; Not through the humble wayes wherein dull Lords Of Lands , and Sheepe doe walke ; Men that depend On the fantastick winds on fleeting Clowds , On seasons more uncertaine than themselves , When they would hope or feare ; But you are warme In anothers silke , and make your tame ease Virtue , call it content , and quietnesse ! Thwack Write Letters to your Brother ! do ! and be Forsworne , in every long Parenthesis , For twenty pound sent you in Butchers silver ! Eld. Pall.

Rebukes are precious ! cast them not away !

Yo: Pall. Neither of these Philosophers were borne To above five Senses ; why then should they Have hope , to doe things greater , and more new I' th world , than I ? This Devill Plenty thrusts Strange boldnesse upon Men ! well , you may laugh With so much violence , till it consume Your breath ! Though sullein want , the Enemy Of Wit , have sunke her low ; if pregnant Wine Can raise her up , this day she shall be mine . Exit .

ACT. 2. SCEN. 1. Enter the Lady Ample , Engine , Ginet . Ampl.

My Guardian hors'd ? this evening say'st thou Engine ?

Engin.

It 's an houre ( Madam ) since hee smelt the Towne ?

Ampl. Saw'st thou his slender empty leg in th' Stirrop ? His Iv'ry Box on his smooth Ebon staffe New civitted , and tyed to 's gouty wrist ? With his warp'd face close button'd in his Hood , That Men may take him for a Monke disguis'd , And fled post from a Pursevant ! Engin. ( Madam ) beware I pray , lest th' Age and cunning Hee is Master of , prepare you a Revenge , And such as your fine wit shall nere intreat Your patience to disgest . To morrow night Th' extreamest Minute of your Wardship is Expir'd , and wee Magicians of the house Believe this hasty Iourney hee hath tane Is to provide a Husband for your sheets ! Ampl. And such a one , as judgement and nine Eies Must needs dislike , that 's composition may Grow up to his owne thrifty wish . Eng. Madam . Your Arrow was well aym'd ; I call him Master , But I am Servant unto Truth , and You . Ampl. He chuse a Husband , fit to guide , and sway My Beauties wealthy Dowry , and my heart ? I le make Election to delight my selfe : What composition strictest Lawes will give ; His Guardianship may take from the rich Banke My Father left , and not devour my Land . Ginet . Your Ladyship has liv'd six yeares beneath His roofe , therefore may guesse the colour Of his heart , and what his braines doe weigh . But Engine ( Madam ) is your humble Creature . Ampl. I have bounty , Engine ! And thou shalt largely taste it , when the next Faire Sun is set , for then my Wardship ends — Knocking within . That speaks command , or hast open the doore . Enter Lucy . Lucy ! weeping my wench ? melting thine Eies , As they had trespass'd against light , and thou Wouldst give them darknesse for a punishment . Lucy . Vndone ( Madam ) without all hope , but what Your pitty will vouchsafe to minister ! Ampl. Hast thou been struck by infamy ? or com'st A Mourner from the Funerall of Love ? Lucy . I am the Mourner , and the Mourn'd ; dead to My selfe ; but left not rich enough to buy a Grave : My cruell Aunt hath banish'd me her Roofe , Expos'd me to the night , the winds , and what The raging Elements on wandrers lay , Left naked , as first Infancie or Truth . Ginet . I could nere indure that old moist ey'd Lady ! Me thought she pray'd too oft . Amp. A meere receipt To make her long winded , which our devout Phisitians now prescribe to defer death . But Lucy , can she urge no cause for this Strange wrath , that you would willingly conceale ! Lucy . Suspitions of my Chastity ; which heaven Must needs resist as false ; though she accus'd Mee even in dreame , where thoughts commit by chance , Not Apetite . Amp.

What ground had her suspect ?

Lucy . Young Pallatine ( that woo'd my heart untill Hee gather'd Fondnesse where hee planted Love ) Was falne into such want , as eager blood , And Youth could not endure , and keepe the Lawes Inviolate . I to prevent my feare , Sold all my Iewels , and my trifling wealth Bestow'd them on him ; and she thinks a more Vnholy consequence attends the guift . Ampl. This Luce , is such Apostacie in Wit , As Nature must degrade her selfe in woman to Forgive ? shall Love put thee to charge ? couldst thou Permit thy Lover to become thy Pensioner ? Engin.

Her sence will now be tickled till it ake !

Ampl. Thy feature and thy wit , are wealth enough To keepe thee high in all those vanities That wilde ambition , or expensive pride Performe in youth ; but thou invertst their use Thy Lover like the foolish Adamant , The steele ; thou fiercely dost allure , and draw , To spend thy virtue , not to get by it . Lucy .

This Doctrine ( Madam ) is but new to mee .

Ampl. How have I liv'd thinkst thou ? e'en by my Wits ! My Guardians contribution gave us Gownes ; But cut from th' curtaines of a Cariers bed : Iewels wee wore , but such as Potters wives Bake in the Furnace for their daughters wrists ! My womans Smock's so course , as they were spun O' th tackling of a Ship . Ginet . A Coat of Male Quilted with Wyre , was soft sarsnet to 'um . Ampl. Our dyet , scarse so much as is prescrib'd To mortifie ; Two Egges of Emmets poach'd A single Bird no bigger than a Bee , Made up a Feast . Ginet . He had starv'd me , but that The Green-sicknesse tooke away my stomack ! Ampl. Thy disease ( Ginet ) made thee in love with Morter , And tho' eatst him up two foot of an old wall ! Engin. A priviledge my Master onely gave Vnto her teeth , none else o' th house durst do 't . Ampl. When ( Lucy ) I perceiv'd this straitned life , Nature ( my Steward ) I did call t' acompt , And tooke from her Exchequer so much Wit As has maintain'd mee since . I led my fine Trim bearded Males in a small subtle string Of my soft haire ; made 'um to offer up , And bow , and laugh'd at the Idolatry . Ginet .

A jewell for a kisse , and that halfe ravish'd .

Lucy . I feel , I am inclin'd t' indeavour in A Calling ( Madam ) I ld be glad to live ! Ample . Know ( Luce ) this is no Hospitall for Fooles ! My Bed is yours , but on condition Luce , That you redeeme the Credit of your Sex ; That you beginne to tempt , and when the snare Hath caught the Fowle , you plume him till you get More feathers then you lost to Pallatine . Lucy . I shall not waste my houres in winding Silke , Or shealing Pescods with your Ladiship ! Ampl. Frosts on my heart ! what ? give unto a Suitor ! Know ? I would faine behold , that silly Monarch , ( Bearded Man ! ) that durst wooe mee with halfe So impudent a hope ! Eng. Madam , you are Not farre from the possession of your wish , There is no language heard , no businesse now In towne , but what proclaimes th' arrivall heere ( This morne ) of th' elder Pallatine , Brother To him you nam'd , and with him such an old Imperiall buskin Knight as th' Isle nere saw . Amp.

What 's their designe ?

Eng. They wil immure themselves With Diamonds , with all refulgent Stones , That merit price : aske 'em who payes ? why Ladies ! They 'le feast with rich Provinciall wines , who payes ? Ladies . They 'le shine in various habit , like Eternall Bridegromes of the day , aske 'em Who payes ? Ladies . Lie with those Ladies too , And pay 'em but with Issue-Male , that shall Inherit nothing but their witt , and doe The like to Ladies , when they grow to age . Luce.

My eares receiv'd a taste of them before .

Ampl. Engine , how shall we see them ? blesse me , Engine , With thy kind voyce . Eng. Though Miracles are ceas'd , This ( Madam's ) in the power of Thought , and Time . Ampl. I would kisse thee Engine , but for an odd Nice humour in my lips ; they blister at Inferiour breath ! This Ring , and all my hopes Are thine ; deare Engine now project , and live ! Ginet .

I de loose my Wedding to behold these Dagonets !

Ample . My Guardean 's out o' Towne ! let us triumph Like Caesars , till to morrow night ! thou knowst I 'm then no more o' th Family ! I would Like a departing Lampe ) before I leave You in the darke , spread in a glorious blaze ! Engin.

Madam , command the Keyes , the house , and me .

Ampl. Spoke like the bold Cophetua's Son ! Let us contrive within to tempt 'um hither : Follow my Luce , restore thy self to Fame ! — Ex. Eng. Amp. Gin. Young Pallatine beckens Lucy from between the Hangings , as shee is going . Yo: Pall.

Luce ! Luce !

Lucy .

Death on my Eyes ! how came you hither ?

Yo: Pallat. I 'm Luce , a kind of peremptory Fly , Shift houses still to follow the Sun-beames ! I must needs play in the flames of thy beauty ! Lucy .

Y' have us'd me with a Christian care , have you not ?

Yo: Pallat. Come I know all ! I' have been at thy Aunts house And there committed more disorder than A storme in a Ship , or a Canon Bullet Shot through a Kitchin among shelves of Pewter . Lucy .

This madnesse is not true I hope !

Yo: Pal. Yes Faith . Witnesse a shower of Malmsey Lees , drop'd from Thy Aunts owne Vrinall , on this new Morion ! — Lucy .

Why you have seene her then ?

Yo: Pallat. Yes , and she lookes like the old Slut of Babylon Thou hast read of . I told her she must dye . And her beloved Velvet-Hood be fold To some Dutch Brewer of Ratcliffe , to make His You Frowe slippers . Lucy . Speake low ! I am deprived By thy rash wine of all atonement now , Vnto her after Legacies or Love ! Yo: Pallat. My Luce ! be magnifi'd ! I am all plot ! All Stratagem ! My Brother is in towne ; My Lady Ample's Fame hath caught him Girle : I 'm told he meanes an instant visit hither . Lucy .

What happinesse from this ?

Yo: Pallat. As hee departs From hence , I' have laid two Instruments , Meager And Pert , that shall encounter his long eares : With tales lesse true than those of Troy , they shall Endanger him maugre his active wits , And mount thee little Luce , that thou mayst reach To dandle Fate , to sooth them till they give Vs leave to make , or alter destinies ! Lucy .

You are too lowd ! whisper your plots within . Exeunt

Enter Engine , Elder Pallatine , Thwack . Engin. You call , and governe Gentlemen , as if Your businesse were above your haste , but know You where you are ? Eld. Pallat. Sir Tirant Thrift dwels here ! The Lady Ample is his Ward ; shee is Within , and wee must see her ; No excuses ! Shee is not old enough to be lock'd up To sey new Perukes , or purge for Rhume . Thwack . Tell her , that a young devout Knight , made gray By a charme ( t' avoid temptation in others ) Would speake with her . Engin. I shall deliver you both , These Tygers hunt their pray with a strange Nosthrill ! Come unsent for so aptly to our wish ? — Exit . Eld: Pallat. But this Sir Morglay will not doe , In troth You breake our Covenants . Thwack .

Why heare me plead !

Eld: Pallat. From forty to fourscore , the written Law Runs so ; this Lady 's in her Nonage yet , And you to presse into my company Where visitations are decreed mine owne , Argues a heat that my rebukes must coole . Thwa. What should I do ? wouldst have me keepe my chamber And mend Darke Lanthornes ; invent steele Matocks , Or weigh Gun-powder , sollitude leads mee To nothing lesse than Treason ; I shall conspire To dig , and blow up all rather than sit still . Eld: Pallat. Follow your Taske ! you see how early I Have found this young Inheretrix , goe seeke The aged out ; Bones , unto Bones ! Like Cards Ill pack'd , shuffle your selves together till You each dislike the game ! Thwack . T is the cause I Come for ; a wither'd Mid-wife , or a Nurse Who drawes her lips together , like an eye That gives the cautionary winke , are those I would find here ; so they be rich , and fat ! — Enter Ginet . Ginet . My Lady understands your haste , and she Her selfe , consults now in affaires of haste , But yet will hastely approach , to see You Gentlemen , and then in haste returne ! exit . Eld Pall.

What 's this the Superscription of a Packet ?

Thwack .

Now does my blood wamble ! you ! Sucket eater !

offers to follow her , Pallatine staies him . Eld. Pall. These Covenants ( Knight ) will never be observ'd , I l'e sue the forfeiture , leave you so poore Till for preferment you become an Eunuch , And sing a Trebble ; in a Chauntry , Knight . Enter Ample , Lucy , Ginet , Elder Pallatine , and Thwak . addresse to kisse them , and are thrust backe . Ample . Stay Gentlemen ! good soules ! they have seene ( Lucy ) The Country Turtles bill , and thinke our lipps I' th Towne , and Court , are worne for the same use . Lucy . Pray how doe the Ladies there ? poore Villagers They churne still , keepe their Dayrles , and lay up For Imbroidered Mantles , against the Heires birth ! Ample .

Who is begot i' th Christmas Holydaies .

Eld. Pall. Yes surely , when the Spirit of Mince-Pie Raignes in the blood . Ampl What ? penny Gleek I hope 's In fashion yet , and the trecherous foot Not wanting on the Table frame to jogge The Husband , lest he lose the Noble that Should pay the Grocers Man , for Spice and Fruit ! Lucy . The good old Buttler shares too , with his Lady In the Box , bating for Candles that were burnt After the Clocke struck Ten . Thwack . He doth indeed , Poore Country Madams th' are in Subjection still , The beasts their husbands make 'em sit on three Legg'd stooles , like homely Daughters of an Hospitall , To knit sockes for their cloven feet . Eld. Pallat. And when these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th' impudence to live long ) Good Ladies they are faine to waste the sweet And pleasant seasons of the day , in boyling Jellies for them , and rowling little Pills Of Cambrick Lint to stuffe their hollow teeth . Lucy . And then the Evenings ( warrant yee ) they spend With mother Spectacle the Curats wife , Who does inveigh 'gainst curling and dyde Cheekes , Heaves her devout impatient nose at oyle Of Iessamin , and thinkes powder of Paris more Prophane then th' ashes of a Romish Martyr . Ample . And in the dayes of joy , and triumph Sir , Which come as Seldome to them as new gownes Then humble wretches , they doe friske and dance In narrow Parlers , to a single Fidle , That squekes foorth tunes , like a departing Pigge . Lucy . Whilst the mad Hinds , shake from their feet more dirt Then did the Cedar-Rootes , that danc'd to Orpheus . Ample . Doe they not powre their wine too , from an Ewre , Or small guilt Cruce , like Orange-water kept To sprinkle hollyday Beards ? Lucy . And when a Stranger comes , send seven miles post By Moone-shine , for another pint ? Eld. Pallat. All these indeed are heauy truthes , but what Doe you ( th' exemplar Madams of the Towne ? ) Play away your youth , as our hasty Gamesters Their light Gold , not with desire to lose it , But in a fond mistake that it will fit No other use ? Thwack . And then reserve your age As superstitious Sinners ill got wealth Perhaps for 'th Church , perhaps for Hospitals . Eld. Pallat. If rich you come to Court , there learne to be At charge to teach your Paraqueeto's French , And then allow them their Interpreters , Least the Sage Fowle should lose their wisdome on Such Pages of the presence , and the Guard As have not past the Seas . Thwack . But if y' are poore , Like wanton Monkies , chain'd from Fruit , You feede upon the itch of your owne Tailes . Lucy .

Rose-Vineger to wash that Ruffians mouth !

Ampl.

They come to live here by their Wits , let them use 'em !

Lucy . They have so few , and those they spend so fast , They will leave none remaining to maintaine them . Eld. Pallat. You shall maintaine us ; a communitie The subtle have decreed of late : You shall Endow us with your Bodies , and your Goods ; Yet use no manacles cald dull Matrimony To obliege affection against wise Nature , Where it is lost ( perhaps ) through a disparity Of yeares , or justly through distaste of crimes . Ampl.

Most excellent Resolves !

Eld. Pallat. But if you 'l needs marry , Expect not a single Pursse for a Ioynture ; Not so much Land as will allow a Grasshopper A Salad ! Thwac. I would no more doubt t' enjoy You two in all variety of wishes , ( Wer 't not for certaine Covenants that I lately Sign'd to in my drinke ) then I would feare Vsurie In a small Poet , or a cast Corporall . Ampl.

You would not !

Thwack . But looke to your old Widowes ! There my title 's good ; see they be rich too ; Lest I shall leave their Twins upon the Parish , To whom the Deputy o' th Ward will deny Blew Coates at Easter , Loaves at Funerals , Cause they were Sons of an old Countrey Wit ! Ampl. Why all for Widowes Sir , can nothing that Is young affect your mouldy apetite ? Thw. No in sooth , Damsels at your yeares are wont To talke too much over their Marmaled , They cann't fare well , but all the Towne must hear 't ! Their love 's so full of prayses , and so loud , A man may with lesse noyse , lye with a Drum ! Ampl.

Thinke you so Sir ?

Thw. Give me an old widow that commits Sin With the gravity of a corrupt Iudge , Accepts of Benefits i' th darke , and can Conceale them from the light . — Ample takes Elder Pall : apart . Ampl. Pray Sir allow mee but your eare aside ! Though this rude Clime i' th Clough , presume In his desires more than his strength can justifie , You should have nobler kindnesse than to thinke All Ladies rellish of an apetite , Bad as the worst your evill chance hath found . Eld. Pallat. All are alike to mee : at least , I 'le make Them so , with thin perswasions , and a short Expence of time . Ample . Then I have cast away My sight ; my eyes have look'd themselves into A strong disease , but they shall bleed for it . Eld. Pall.

Troth Lady mine , I find small remedy !

Ample . Why came you hither Sir , she that shall sigh Her easie spirits into wind for you , Must not have hope the kindnesse of your breath Will ere recover her . Lucy . What doe I heare ? Hymen defend ? But three good corners to your little heart , And two already broyling on Loves Altar ? Does this become her Ginet , speake ? Ginet .

As age , and halfe a smock would become me .

Thwack .

Th' ast caught her Pallatine ; insinuate Rogue ? —

Lucy . Love him , you must recant , or the small God And I shall quarrell , when wee meet i' th Clouds . Thwack .

S'light , see how she stands , speake to her .

Eld. Pall. Peace Knight ! it is apt cunning that we goe ; Disdaine is like to water pour'd on Ice , Quenches the flame a while to raise it higher . Lucy .

Engine shew them their way . — Enter Engine .

Engine .

It lies here Gentlemen ! —

Eld. Pal. There needs small summons , we are gone ! but d' you hear , We will receive no Letters , we , though sent By 'th incorporiall spy your Dwarffe , or Audry Of the Chamber , that would deliver them With as much caution , as they were Atachments Vpon money newly paid . Thwack . Nor no message From the old Widdow your Mother ( if you Have one ) no , though she send for me when she Is giving up her testy Ghost ; and lies Halfe drown'd in Rhume , those floods of Rhume , in which Her Maids doe daily dive to seeke the Teeth She cough'd out last . — Exeunt Engine , Eld. Pall . Thwack . Lucy . Lasse ! good old Gentleman ! Wee shall see him shortly in as many Nightcaps , As would make sick Mahomet a Turband For the Winter . Amp.

Are they gone Luce ?

Lucy . Not like the houres , for they 'l returne agen Ere long ; O you carry'd your false love rarely ! Amp

How impudent these Country fellows are ?

Lucy . He thinks y' are caught ; he has you between 's teeth , And intends you for the very next bit He meanes to swallow . Amp. Luce , I have a thousand thoughts More than a Kerchiefe can keepe in : Quick Girle ! Let us consult , and thou shalt find what silly Snipes These witty Gentlemen shall prove , and in Their owne confession too , or I 'le cry Flownders else , And walke with my Petti-coat tuck'd up like A long mayd of Almaineny . Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Meager , Pert , the two last being new cloath'd . Yo: Pall. Don Meager , and Don Pert , you neither found These imbroaderd skins in your mothers womb : Surely Natures Wardrobe is not thus lac'd ! Pert. We flourish Pall , by th' Charter of thy smiles , A little magnify'd , with shew , and thought Of our new plot . Meag.

The chambers bravely hung !

Pert. To thy owne wish , a Bed and Canopy Prepar'd all from our numbred pence ; if it Should faile , Meager , and I , must creep into Our quondam rags , a transmigration Pall , Which our Divinity can ill indure . Meag. If I have more left t' maintaine a large stomacke , And a long Bladder , than one comely Shilling , Together with a single ounce of Hope ; I am the Son of a Carman . Yo: Pall. Doe you suspect my prophecies , That am your Mint , your grand Exchequer ? Pert. Pall , no suspitions Pall , but we that imbarque Our whole stock in one vessell , would be glad To have all Pyrats o'shore , and the winds In a calme humor ! Meag.

How fares th' intelligence ?

Yo: Pall. I left 'um at the Lady Ample's house This street they needs must passe , if they reach home . Pert. O I would faine project 'gainst the old Knight , Can we not share him too ? Yo: Pall. This wheele must move Alone , Sir Morglay Thwack's too rugged yet , He 'ld interrupt the course , a little more O' th File , will smooth him fit to be screw'd up ; Pert.

Shrinke off Pall , I heare 'em !

Enter Thwack , Elder Pallatine . Eld: Pall. Th' hast not the art of patient leisure to Attend the aptitude of things ; wouldst thou Run on like a rude Bull , on every object that Doth heat the blood ? this cunning abstinence Will make her passions grow more violent . Thwack . But Pallatine , I doe not find I have The cruelty , or grace , to let a Lady Starve for a warm morsell . — Pert and Meager take the Elder Pallatine aside . Yo: Pallat.

Now my fine Pert !

Pert. Sir , we have businesse for your Eare ; it may Concerne you much , therefore t is fit it be Particular . Eld: Pall.

From whom !

Meager . A young Lady Sir . It is a secret will exact much care And wisdome i' th delivery ; you should Dismisse that Gentleman ! Eld: Pallat. A young Lady ! good ! All the best Stars i' th Firmament are mine ! Our Coach attends us Knight i' th botome of The hither street , you must goe home alone . Thwack . I le sooner kill a Serjeant , choose my Iury In the City , and be hang'd for a Taverne Bush ! Eld: Pall.

Will 't ruine all our destinies hath built ?

Thw. Come , what are those sly silk-worms there that creep So close into their wooll , as they would spin For none but their deare selves . I heard 'em name a Lady ! Eld: Pall. You heard them say then , she was young , and what Our Covenants are , remember ! Thw. Young , how young ? She left her Wormeseed , and her Corall whistle But a Month since : doe they meane so ? Eld. Pall.

Morglay , our Covenants is all I aske !

Thw. May be shee hath a mind to mee , for there 's A reverend humor in the blood , which thou Nere knewst ; perhaps she would have Boyes begot Should be deliver'd with long Beards , till thou Arive at my full growth , thou 'lt yield the world Nought above Dwarfe , or Page . Elder Pallat.

Our Covenants still , I cry !

Thwack . Faith , I 'le stride my Mule too morrow , and away To 'th homely Village in the North ! Eld: Pall.

Why so ?

Thwack . Alas , these silly Covenants ( you know ) I seal'd too in my drinke , and certaine feares Lurke in a remote comer of my head , That say the game will all be yours . Eld: Pallat. But what successe canst thou expect , since w' have Not yet enjoy'd the City a full day ? Thwack . I say , let me have Woman ; be shee young , Or old , Grandam or Babe , I must have Woman ! Eld: Pall. Carry but thy patience like a Gentleman , And let mee singly mannage this adventure , It will too morrow cancell our old deeds , And leave thee to subscribe to what thy free Pleasure shall direct . Thw. Wee 'l equally injoy Virgin , Wife , and Widow , the younger Kerchiefe with The aged Hood . Eld: Pall. What I have said , if I had leisure now I 'd ratifie with oathes of thy owne chusing . Thwac. Goe ! propagate ! fill the shops with thy notch'd Issue , that when our Money 's spent , wee may Be trusted , breake , and couz'n in our owne Tribe . Eld: Pall.

Leave me to fortune !

Thw. D' you here Pallatine . Perhaps this young Lady has a Mother ! — Eld: Pall. No more , good night ! — Exit Thwack . I have obay'd you Gentlemen , no Eares Are neere us , but our owne , what 's your affaire ! Meag. Wee 'l lead you to the Ladies Mansion Sir , 'T is hard by . Eld: Pall.

Hard by !

Pert. So neere , that if your Lungs be good , You may spit thither : that is the house ! Eld: Pall. These appeare Gentlemen , And of some ranke ! I will in ! Exeunt Eld. Pall . Meager . Pert. Yo: Pall. So , so ! the hooke has caught him by the Gils ; And it is fastned to a line will hold You Sir , though your wits were stronger than your purse ! Sir Morglay Thwack's gone home ; his lodging I Have learn'd , and there are certaine Gins prepar'd , In which his wary feete may chance to be Insnar'd ; though he could weare his Eyes upon his Toes ! I must follow the game close ! He is enter'd , And ere this amaz'd , at the strange complexion Of the house , but , 't was the best our friendship And our treasure could procure . Exit . Eld : Pallatine , Meager , Pert , with Lights . Eld. Pall. Gentlemen ( if you please ) lead me no further ! I have so little faith to believe this , The Mansion of a Lady , that I thinke 'T is rather the decayes of hell ; a sad Retirement for the Fiend , to sleepe in when Hee 's sicke with drinking Sulphure . Pert.

Sir you shall see this upper roome is hung !

Eld. Pall. With Cobwebs Sir , and those so large , they may Catch and ensnare Dragons instead of Flies . Where sit a melancholly race of old Norman Spyders , that came in with Conqueror . Meag. This chamber will refresh your Eyes , when you Have cause to enter it . — Leads him to look in 'tween the hangings . Eld: Pallat. A Bed , and Canopy ! Ther 's shew of entertainment there indeed ; There Lovers may have place to celebrate Their warme wishes , and not take cold : but Gentlemen , How comes the rest of this blind house so nak'd , So ruinous , and deform'd ? Pert. Pray Sir sit downe : If you have seene ought strange , or fit for wonder , It but declares the hasty shifts , to which The poore distressed Lady is expos'd , In pursuit of your love . Shee hath good fame , Great dignity and wealth ; and would be loth To cheapen these by making her dull family Bold witnesses of her desires with you : Therefore , t' avoyd suspition , to this place , Sh' ath sent part of her neglected Wardrobe . Meag. And will ere Time growes older by an hower , Guild all this homely furniture at charge Of her owne Eies ; her beames can doe it Sir ! Eld: Pallat.

My manners will not suffer me to doubt !

Pert. Wee hope so too : besides though ev'ry one That hath a heart of 's owne , may thinke his pleasure ; We should be loth , your thoughts should throw mistakes On us ; that are the humble Ministers Of your kind stars : for sure , though wee looke not Like men that make Plantation on some Isle That 's uninhabited ; yet you believe We would teach Sexes mingle , to increase Men ! Meag.

Squires of the Placket , wee know you thinke us .

Eld: Pall. Excuse my courage Gentlemen ! good faith I am not bold enough to thinke you so . Pert.

Nor will you yet be woo'd to such mistake ?

Eld: Pall. Not all the Art , nor Flattery you have Can render you to my beliefe worse than My selfe : Panders , and Bawds , good Gentlemen I shall be angry , if you perswade mee to So vile a thought ! Pert. Sir you have cause ! And in good faith , if you should thinke us such , Wee would make bold to cut that slender throat . Eld Pall.

How Sir ?

Pert. That very throat , through which the lusty Grape , And sav'ry Morsell in the Gamesters dish , Steale downe so leasurely , with Kingly gust ! Meag Sir it should open wide , as th' widest Oyster I' th Venecian Lake ! Eld. Pall. Gentlemen , it should ! It is a throat I can so little hide In such a cause , that I would whet your Razor for 't On my owne shooe . Pert. Enough ! you shall know all ! This Lady hath a Noble Mind ; but 't is So much o'remastred by her blood , we feare Nothing but death , or you can be her remedy ! Eld: Pallat.

And she is young ?

Meag.

O! as the Aprill Bud !

Eld. Pall.

'T were pitty faith , she should be cast away !

Pert. You have a soft , and blessed heart ! and to Prevent so sad a period of her sweet breath ; Our selves , this house , the habit of this roome , The Bed within , and your faire person wee Have all assembled in a trice . Eld: Pall. Sure Gentlemen , In my opinion more could not bee done , Were shee Inheretrix of all the East ! Pert. But Sir the excellence of your pure fame , Hath given us boldnesse to make sute , that if You can reclaime her apetite with chaste And wholsome homilies ; such Counsell as Befits your knowne morality , you will Be pleas'd to save her life , and not undoe her honour ? Meag. We hope you will afford her Med'cine by Your meeke and holy Lectures , rather than From any manly exercise , for such In troth Sir you appeare to our weake sight ! Eld. Pall. Brothers , and friends a stile more distant now Cannot be given : though you were in compasse Thick , as the Aspes , I must embrace you both — Y' have hit the very Center , unto which The toyles and comforts of my studies tend ! Pert.

Alas we drew our Arrow but by ayme !

Eld: Pall. Why Gentlemen I have converted more Than ever Gold or Aretine misled : I 've Disciples of all degrees in Nature From your little Punque in Purple , to your Tall Canvas Girle , from your Sattin Slipper To your Iron Pattin , and your Norway Shooe ! Pert. And can you mollifie the Mother Sir , In a strong fit . Eld: Pall. Sure Gentlemen I can . If bookes penn'd with a cleane and wholsome spirit , Have any might to edifie ; would they Were here . Meag.

What Sir ?

Eld. Pall. A small Library , Which I am wont to make companion to My idle howers : where some ( I take it ) are A little consonant unto this Theame . Pert.

Have they not names ?

Eld. Pall. A Pill to purge phlybotomy ! a Balsamum For the spirituall backe ! a lozeng against lust ; With divers others Sir , which though not penn'd By dull Platonick Greekes , or Memphian Priests , Yet have the blessed marke of separation Of Authors silenc'd , for wearing short haire . Pert. But Sir , if this chaste meanes cannot restore Her to her health and quiet peace ; I hope You will vouchsafe your Lodging in yon Bed , And take a little paines — Points to the Bed within . Eld: Pallat. Faith Gentlemen , I was Not bred on Scythian Rockes ; Tygers and Wolves I 've heard of , but nere suck'd their milke , and sure Much would be done to save a Ladies longing ! Meag.

T is late Sir . pray uncase ! — They help to uncloath him .

Pert.

Your Boot , believ 't , it is my exercise ! —

Eld: Pall. Well ; t is your turne to labour now , and mine Anon , for your deare sakes Gentlemen , I professe — Pert. My friend shall wait upon you to your sheets , Whilst I goe and conduct the Lady hither : Whom if your holy doctrine cannot well Reclaime , pray hazard not her life ; you have A body Sir ! Eld. Pall.

O! think me not cruell ! Ex. Mea. Eld : Pal.

Enter Yo: : Pallatine . Pert.

Pall ! come in Pall !

Yo: Pall.

Is he in Bed ?

Pert. Not yet , But stripping in more haste , than an old snake That hopes for a new skin ! Yo: Pall. If we could laugh In our Coffin Pert , this would be a jeast Long after death : hee is so eager in His witty hopes , that he suspects nothing . Pert. O all he swallowes Sir is melting Conserve , And soft Indian Plum ! Meager , what newes ? Enter Meager . Meag. Layd ! gently layd ! he is all Virgin sure , From the crowne of 's head , to his very Navell ! Yo: Pall. Where are his Breeches ? speake ! his Hatband too ! T is of grand price , the stones are Rosiall , and Of the white Rock ! Meag. I hung 'em purposely Aside , th' are all within my reach : shall I in ? Yo: Pall. Soft ! softly my false fiend ! remember Rogue ; You tread on Glasses , Egges , and gowty Toes ! — Meager takes out his Hat and Breeches , the Pockets and Hatband rifled , they throw 'em in agen . Meag. Hold Pall ! th' Exchequer is thine owne ! we will Divide , when thou art gracious and well pleas'd ! Yo: Pal.

All Gold ! the Stals of Lombard-street powr'd into a purse .

Pert.

These deare Pall , are thy Brothers goodly heards !

Yo: Pall. Yes , and his proud Flocks ; but you see what they Come to ? a little roome containes them all At last ; so , so , convay them in agen ! Because he is my Elder Brother ! My Mothers Mayden-head , and a Country Wit , He shall not be exposde to bare thighes , and a Bald Crowne ! what noyse is that ? — knocking within , Pert lookes at doore . Pert. Death ! there 's old Snore The Constable ! his wife , a Regiment of Halberds . And Mistresse Queasie too , the Landlady That ownes this house . Meag. Belike th 'ave heard , our friend The Bawd , fled hence last night ; and now they come To ceaze on Mooveables for rent ! Young . Pall. The Bed within , and th' Hangings that we hyr'd , To furnish our designe , are all condemn'd , My brother too ; they le use him with as thin Remorse , as an old Gamester would an Aldermans Heire ! Pert. No matter , our adventure 's paid ! follow Pall ! and I le lead you a backe way , where you Shall climbe ore tiles , like Cats when they make love . Young . Pall. Now I shall laugh at those , that heap up wealth By lazie method , and slow rules of Thrift ; I 'm growne the Child of Wit , and can advance My selfe , by being Votary to chance , Exeunt .

ACT. 3. SCEN. 1. Enter Snore , Mistresse Snore , Queasie , and Watchmen . Mist. Snore . Dayes o' my breath , I have not seene the like ! What would you have my husband doe ? 't is past One by Boe , and the Bell-Man has gone twice ! Queasie . Good Master Snore , you are the Constable , You may doe it ( as they say ) be it right or wrong ! 'T is foure yeares rent , come Childermas Eve next ! Snore . You see Neighbour Queasie the Dores are open ; Heere 's no goods , no Bawde left ; I 'ld see the Bawde ! Mist. Snore . I or the Whores ; my husband 's the Kings officer , And still takes care I warrant yee of Bawdes , And Whores ! Shew him but a Whore at this time O' night ( Good man ) you bring a bed i' faith ! Queasie . I pray Mistresse Snore let him search the Parish , They are not gone farre , I must have my rent ; I hope there are Whores , and Bawdes in the Parish ! Mist. Snore . Search now ? it is too late ; a woman had As good marry a Cowlestaffe as a Constable ; If he must nothing but search and search , follow His Whores , and Bawds all day , and never comfort His Wife at night : I prethee Lambe let us to Bed ! Snore . It must be late ; for Gossip Nock the Nayleman Had chatechys'd his Maids , and sung three Catches , And a Song , ere we set forth ! Queasie . Good Mistresse Snore , forbeare your husband but To night ; and let the search goe on ! Mist. Snore . I will nor forbeare ; you might ha' let your house To honest women , not to Bawds ! fie upon you ! Queasie . Fie upon me ! t is well knowne I 'm the mother Of Children ! Scirvie Fleake ! t is not for nought You boyle Eggs in your Gruell , and your man Sampson Owes my Sonne in law , the Surgeon , Ten groats For Turpentine ; which you have promis'd to pay Out of his Christmasse Box . Mist. Snore . I defie thee . Remember thy first calling , thou setst up With a Peck of Damsens , and a new Sive ; When thou broakst at Dowgate corner , 'cause the Boyes Flung downe thy ware ! Snore .

Keepe the peace Wife ! keepe the peace !

Mist. Snore . I will not peace ; she tooke my silver Thimble To pawne , when I was a Maid ; I paid her A penny a moneth use ! Queasie . A Maid ? yes sure ; By that token , goody Tongue the Midwife , Had a dozen Napkins o' your Mothers best Diaper , to keepe silence ; when she said She left you at Saint Peters Faire , where you Long'd for Pigge ! Snore . Neighbour Queasie , this was not In my time : what my Wife hath done , since I Was Constable , and the Kings Officer , I le answer : therefore ( I say ) keepe the peace ! And when w' have search'd the two back rooms , I le to bed ! Peace Wife ! not a word ! Exeunt . Enter Eld. Pallatine clothing himselfe in haste . Eld. Pall. T is time to get on wings , and fly ! Here 's a noyse of Thunder , Wolves , Women , Drums , All that 's confus'd , and frights the eare ! I heard Them cry out Bawds ! the sweet young Lady is Surpris'd sure , by the nice slave her husband ; Or some old frosty Matron of neere kinne ; And the good Gentlemen sh' employd to me Are tortur'd , and call'd Bawds ! If I am tane , I le sweare , I purpos'd her conversion . — Enter Snore , Mist. Snore , Queasie , and Watchmen . Snore . Here 's a Roome hung , and a faire Bed within , I take it , there 's the hee Bawd too . Queasie . Ceaze on the lewd thing ! I pray Master Snore , ceaze on the Goods too ! Mist. Snore . Who would not be a Bawd ? th 'ave proper men To their husbands ; and she maintaines him Like any parish Deputy . Eld. Pall.

What are you ?

Snore . I am the Constable , Eld. Pall. Good , the Constable ? I begin to stroke my long eares , and find I am an Asse ! such a dull Asse , as deserves Thistles for provander , and sawdust too Insteed of Graines ! O I am finely gull'd . Mist. Snore . Truely as proper a Bawd , as a woman Would desire to use ? Eld. Pall. Master Constable , Though these your Squires o' th Blade and Bill seeme to Be courteous Gentlemen , and well taught , yet I would know , why they embrace me ? Snor.

You owe my neighbor ( Mist. Queasie ) foure yeares rent .

Queasie . Yes and for three Bed Teekes and a Brasse Pot ; Which your Wife promis'd me to pay this Terme , For now ( she said ) sh' expects her countrey Customers . Eld. Pall. My Wife ! have I beene led to 'th Altar too ; By some doughty Deacon , tane woman by The pretty thumb , and given her a Ring With my deare selfe , for better , and for worse , And all in a forgotten dreame ? But for whom Doe you take me ? Snore .

For the he Bawd .

Eld. Pall. Good faith , you may as soone , Take me for a Whale , which is something rare You know , o' this side the Bridge . Mist Snore . T is indeed ! Yet our Paul was in the belly of one , In my Lord Majors Shew ; and husband you remember , He beckned you out of the Fishes mouth , And you gave him a Pepin , for the poore soule Had like t' have choak'd , for very thirst . Eld. Pall. I saw it , and cry'd out O' th City , 'cause they would not be at charge To let the Fish swimme in a deeper Sea ! Mist. Snore . Indeed ; why I was but a tiny Girle then ; I pray how long have you beene a Bawde heere ? Eld. Pall. Againe ! how the Devil , Am I chang'd , since my owne Glasse rendred me A Gentleman : well , master Constable , Though ev'ry Stall 's your Worships wooden Throane , Heere you are humble , and o' foote ; therefore , I will put on my Hatt ; pray reach it me ! — misses his Diamond Hatband . Death ! my hatband ! a row of Diamonds Worth a thousand Markes ! Nay , it is time then To doubt , and tremble to . My Gold ! my Gold ! — searches his Pockets . And precious stones ! Mist. Snore . Doe you suspect my Husband ? He hath no neede o' your stones , I prayse heaven ! Eld. Pallat. A plague upon your courteous midnight Leaders ! Good silly Saints , they are dividing now , And ministring ( no doubt ) unto the poore ! This will decline the reputation of My Witt ; till I be thought to have a lesse head Then a Iustice o' Peace ! if Morglay hear 't , He 'le thinke me dull , as a Dutch Marriner ! No med'cine now from thought ? Good ! 't is design'd ! Snor.

Come along ! 't is late .

Eld. Pall.

Whither must I goe ?

Queasie .

To the Compter sir , unlesse my rent be payd !

Snore .

And for being a Bawde !

Eld. Pallat. Confin'd in Wanscot Walls too , Like a licorish Rat , for nibling Unlawfully upon forbidden Cheese ! This to the other sawce , is Alloes and Mirrh ! But Master Constable doe you behold this Ring ? It is worth all the Bells in your Church steeple , Though your Sexton , and Side-men hung there too , To better the Peale . Snor.

Well , what 's your request ?

Eld. Pall. Mary , that you will let mee goe to fetch The Bawd , the very Bawd , that owes this rent ; Who being brought , you shall restore my Ring : And believe mee to be an arrant Gentleman , Such as in 's Scutchion gives Hornes , Hounds , and Hawkes , Hunting Nags , with tall Eaters in Blew Coats , Sance Number ! Quea. Pray let him goe Master Snore ; Wee 'l stay and keepe the goods ! Mist. Snor. Yes , let him Husband . For I would faine see a very bee Bawd ! Snor. Come Neighbors , light him out ! Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Pert , Luce , Ginet , Engine , with lights . Ampl. A Forrest full of Palmes , thy Lover ( Luce ) Merits in Girlands for his victory . I 'm wild with joy ! why there was wit enough In this designe to bring a Ship o' fooles To shore agen , and make them all good Pilots ! Yo: Pall. Madam , this Gentleman deserves to share In your kind praise , hee was a merry Agent In the whole plot , and would exalt himselfe To your Ladiships service : If you please For my humble sake , unto your Lip too ! — Pert salutes her . Ampl. Sir you are friend to Pallatine , And that entitles you unto much worth . Pert. The title will be better'd ( Madam ) when I am become a Servant to your beauty . Lucy . Why your confederate Pert , is courtly too ; Hee will out-tongue a Favorite of France ! But didst thou leave thy Brother surfetting On lewd hopes ? Yo: Pall. Hee belives all woman kind Dress'd , and ordain'd for th' mercy of his Tooth ! Ampl.

And now lies stretch'd in his smooth slipperie sheets !

Yo: Pall, O like , a wanton Snake on Camamile ! And rifled to so sad remaines of wealth , That if his resolution still disdaine Suppliment from his Lands , and hee resolve To live here by his Wits ; hee will ere long Betroth himselfe to Raddish women for Their roots ; pledge Children in their sucking Bottles , And in darke winter Mornings , rob small School-boyes Of their Honey , and their Bread . Pert. Faith , Meager and I , us'd him with as much Remorse , as our occasions could allow : Las , he must thinke we shreds of time Have our occasions too ! Yo: Pall. What ( Madam ) need he care ? For let him but prove kind unto his Buls , Bring them their Heifers when their Crests are high ; Stroake his faire Ewes , and pimpe a little for His Rammes ; they strait will multiply ; and then The next great Faire , prepares him fit agen , For 'th Cities view , and our surprise . Amp. Why this young Gentleman hath relish in 't ! Yet when you understand the darke , and deepe Contrivements which my selfe , Engine , and Luce , Have layd for this great witty Villager , To whom you bow as formost of your blood ; You will degrade your selves from all prerogatives , Above our Sexe , and all those pretty Markes Of Manhood ( your trim beards ) sindge oft with Tapers , As a just Sacrifice to our Supremacie ! Luce. If Sir Tirant Thrift , your Phlegmatick Guerdian Leave but this Mansion ours till the next Sunne , We 'le make your haughty brother tremble at The name of Woman , and blush behinde a Fanne Like a yawning Bride , that hath fowle Teeth ! Engine . Madame , t is time you were a Bedd ; for sure besides The earnest invitation which I left , Writ in his Chamber , these afflictions will Disturbe his rest , and bring him early hither To recover his sicke hopes . — Enter Meager . Yo. Pall. Meager ! What newes ? Madam , the homage of Your Lip agen ; A Man o' Warre believ 't ; One that hath fasted in the face of 's foe ; Seene Spinola entrench'd ; sometimes hath spread His butter at the States charge ; sometimes too , Fedd on a Sallad that hath growne upon The Enemies owne Land ; but pardon me , Without or Oyle , or Vineger ! Ample .

Sir , Men in choler may doe any thing .

Meager . Your Ladiship will excuse his new plenty ; It hath made him pleasant . Yo. Pall.

Meager ! what newes ? how doe our Spies prosper ?

Meager . Sir rare discoveries ! I 've trac'd your Brother ; You shall heare more anon ! Ginet. Your Ladiship forgets how early your Designes will waken you ? Engine . Madam , I 'ld faine be Bold too , to hasten you unto your rest ! Amp. 'T is late ( indeed ) the silence of the Night And sleep be with you Gentlemen ! Exeunt . Ample , Ginet : Engine Yo. Pall. Madam , good night : but our heads never were Ordain'd to so much triviall leasure as To sleepe : you may as soone entreat A Sexton sleepe in 's Bellfry when the Plague reignes ; An aged Sinner in a Tempest , or A jealous States man when his Prince is dying ! Luce. Pray dismisse your friends , I would speake with you . Yo . Pall . Men o' the puissant Pike , follow the lights . — Exeunt Meager , Pert. Luce. Pall , you are as good natur'd to me Pall , As the wife of a silenc'd Minister , Is to a Monarchy , or to lewd Gallants , That have lost a Nose ! Yo. Pall.

And why so Dame Luce !

Luce. So many yellow Images at once Assembled in your fist , and Iewels too Of goodly price , all this free booty got , In lawfull warre , and I no tribute Pall ? Yo. Pall. What neede it Luce ? a Virgin may live cheape : Th' are maintain'd with as small charge as a Wren With Magots , in a Gheesemongers shop ? Luce. Well Pall , and yet you know all my extreames ? How for a little Taffata to line A Maske , I 'm faine to mollifie my Mercer With a soft whisper , and a tim'rous blush ; To sigh unto my Millener for Gloves ; That they may trust , and not complaine unto my Aunt ; Who is as jealous of me as their wives , and all Through your demeanor Pall ; whose kindnesse I Perceive , will raise me to such dignitie , That I must teach Children in a darke Cellar , Or worke Coifes in a Garret for crackt Groates , And broken meat ! Yo. Pall. Luce , I will give thee Luce , to buy Luce.

What Pall .

Yo. Pall. An ounce of Arsnick to mixe in thy Aunts Caudels , This Aunt , I must see cold , and grinning , Luce , Seal'd t' her last winke , as if she clos'd her eyes T' avoyd the sight of Feathers , Coaches , and short Cloakes ! Luce. How many Angels of your Family Are there in heaven ? but few I feare , and how , You 'le be the first , that shall intitle them To such high calling , is to me a doubt ! Yo. Pallat. Why is there never a Pue there ( Luce ) but for Your coughing Aunt , and you ? Luce. Hadst thou eyes like flaming Beacons , crook'd homes , A tayle three yards long , and thy feet Cloven , Thou couldst not be more a Fiend , then thou art now ; But to advance thy sinnes with being hard , And costive unto me ! Yo. Pall. You lie Luce ! you lie ! — Flings her a Purse . There 's Gold ! the Fairies are thy Mintmen Girle , Of this thou shalt have store enough , to make The hungry Academicks mention thee , In Evening Lectures , with aplause , and prayer : A Foundresse thou shalt be . Luce. Of Hospitals ; For your decayed selfe , Meager , and Pert , Those wealthy Vsurers , your poore friends . Yo: Pall. A Nunn'ry Luce , where all the female issue Of our decay'd Nobility shall live Thy Pensioners : it will preserve them from Such want , as makes them quarter Armes with th' City , And match with sawcie Haberdashers Sons , Whose Fathers liv'd in Allyes , and darke Lanes ! Luce. Good night Pall ! your gold I le lay up , though but T' incounter the next Surgeons Bill ; yet know Our Wits are ploughing too , and in a ground That yields as faire a graine as this ! Yo: Pall. Farewell , and let mee heare thy Aunt is stuck With more Bay leaves and Rose-mary , than a Westphalia Gammon . Exeunt . Enter Elder Pallatine , and Thwack , dressing himselfe . Eld. Pall. Quick , dispatch Knight ! thou art as tedious in Thy dressing , as a Court Bribe ; two ships might Be rigg'd for the Straits , in lesse space than thou Carienst that same old Hulke , can it be thought That one so fill'd with hope and wise designes Could be subdu'd with sleepe , what dull , and drowsie ? Keepe earlier howers than a roost Hen in Winter ? Thwack . Pallatine , the designe grow all Dreame , Magick , And Alchymie to mee : I gave it lost ! Clove to my soft Pillow , like a warme Iustice , And slept there with lesse noyse than a dead Lawyer In a Monument . Eld: Pall.

This is the house ; dispatch , that I may knock .

Thwack . S'light stay , thou think'st I 've the dexterity Of a Spaniell , that with a yawne , a scratch On his left eare , and stretching his hind legs , Is ready for all day : O for the Biscayne sleeve , And Bulloigne hose , I wore when I was shrieve , In Eighty Eight ! Eld. Pall. Faith thou art comely Knight ! And I already see the Towne Girles melt , And thaw before thee . Thwack . Wee must be content ! Thou knowst all men are bound to were their limbs I' th same skin that Nature bestowes upon them ; Be it rough or be it smooth ; for my part , If she to whom you lead me now like not The graine of mine , I will not flea my selfe , T' humor the touch of her Ladi-ships fingers ! Eld: Pall. Well I had thought t' have carry'd it with Youth , But when I came to greet her beauties with The Eyes of Love and wonder , shee despis'd mee , Rebuk'd those haughty Squires , her Servants that Convay'd mee thither in mistake , and cry'd , She meant the more Authentick Gentleman , The rev'rend Mounsier , shee ! Thwack . The rev'rend Mounsier ? Why does shee take mee for a French Deane ? Eld. Pal. Her Confessor at least , her secrets are Thine owne ; but by what Charmes attain'd ; Let him determine that has read Agrippa . Thw. Charms ? yes Sir , if this be a Charm — or this — leaps and frisks . Or here againe t' advance th' activity Of a poore old back ! Eld. Pall. No Ape , Sir Morglay , After a yeeres obedience to the Whip , Is better quallify'd ! Thw. Limber , and sound Sir ! Besides , I sing , little Musgrove ; and then For , the Chivie Chase , no Larke comes neere mee ! If shee be t'ane with these , why at her perill bee 't ! Eld: Pall.

Come Sir , dispatch ! I le knock , for here 's the house !

Thwack . Stay , stay ! this Lane ( sure ) has no great renowne ! The house too , if the Moone reveal 't aright , May for it's small Magnificence be left ( For ought we know ) out of the Cittie Map ! Eld. Pall. Therein consists the Miracle , and when The doores shall ope , and thou behold , how leane And ragged ev'ry roome appeares , till thou Hast reach'd the Sphaere , where shee ( Illustrious ) moves , Thy wonder will be more perplex'd ; for know This Mansion is not hers , but a conceal'd Retirement , which her wisedome safely chose To hide her loose love . Thwack . Give mee a Bagadg that has braines ! but Pallatine , Did not I at first perswade thee , those two Trim Gentlemen , her Squires , might happily Mistake the person unto whom the message was Dispos'd ; and that my selfe was hee ? Eld: Pall. Thou didst ! and thou hast got ( Knight ) by this hand I thinke , the Mogul's Neece ; shee cannot be Of lesse discent ; the height and strangenesse of Her port , denote her forraigne , and of great blood ! Thwack .

What should the Mogul's Neece doe here ?

Eld. Pall. 'Las thy Eares are buried in a Wool-sack ; Thou hear'st no Newes ! 't is all the voyce in Court , That shee is sent hither in disguise , to learne To play on the Gitarh , and make Almond Butter ! But whether this great Lady that I bring Thee too , be shee ; is yet not quite confirm'd ! Thwack . Thou talk'st o' th high , and strange comportment that Thou found'st her in ! Eld: Pall. Right Sir ! she sat on a rich Persian Quilt , Thridding a Carckanet , of pure , round Pearle , Bigger than Pidgeons Egges ! Thwack .

Those I will sell !

Eld: Pall. Her Maids with little Rods of Rose-marie , And stalks of Lavander , were brushing Ermines skins ; Thw.

Furres for the Winter ! I le line my Breeches with them !

Eld. Pall. Her young smooth Pages lay , round at her feet ; Cloath'd like the Sophies Sons ; and all at Dice ; The Caster six Wedges a Cubit long Cries one ; another comes a Tun of Pistolets ; And then is cover'd with an Argosie , Laden with Indico , and Cutchynil ! Thwack .

This must be the great Mogul's Neece !

Eld. Pal. As for her Groomes , they all were planted on Their knees , carowsing their great Ladies health In perfum'd Wines , and then straight quallify'd Their wild , voluptuous heats with coole Cerbet , The Turkes owne Iulip ? Thw. Knock , Pallatine ! Quick Rogue ! I cannot hold ; little thought I The Thwack's of the North , should inoculate With the Mogul's of the South ! — Pallatine knocks . Enter Snore . Eld. Pall. Speake softly Master Constable , I 've brought The very hee Bawd ! Snor. Blessing on your heart Sir ! My Watch are above at Trea Trip , for a Black Pudding , and a pound o' Suffolke Cheese ; They 'l ha' done straight : Pray fetch him to mee , I le call them downe , and lead him to a by-roome ! Thw.

Pallatine , what 's he ?

Eld. Pall. The Ladies steward sir , A sage Phylosopher , and a grave Pandar ! One that hath writ bawdy Sonnets in Hebrew , And those so well , that if the Rabbins were Alive , 't is thought hee would corrupt their Wives . Follow mee Knight ! — Thw. Pallatine , Halfe the large Treasure that I get is yours ! Eld: Pal. Good faith ( my friend ) when you are once possess'd Of all , 't is as your Conscience will vouchsafe . Thwack . Do'st thou suspect ? I le stay here till thou fetch A Bible , and a Cushion , and sweare kneeling ! Eld: Pal. My Faith shall rather couzen mee ; walke in With this Phylosopher — No words ! for hee 's A Pythagorian and Professes silence ! My Ring Master Constable — Snore gives him his Ring , then Exit with Thwack . Here yet my Reputation 's safe ! should hee Have heard of my mischance , and not accompany'd With this defeat upon himselfe , his Mirth And Tyranny had beene 'bove humane Sufferance ! Now for the Lady Ample , shee ( I guesse ) Lookes on mee with strong fervent Eyes ; shee 's rich ; And could I worke her into profit , 't would Procure my Wit , immortall memory ; But to be gull'd ? and by such Trifles too ; Dull , humble Gentlemen that nere drunke Wine , But on some Coronation day , when each Conduit pisses Claret at the Towne charge ! Well , though t is worse than Steele or Marble to Digest ; yet I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider with disgrace ; But may procure him breath to win the race . Exit .

ACT. 4. SCEN. 1. Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Engine , Meager , Pert , Pallatine richly cloath'd . Engin. Your Brother 's in the house ; the Letter which I sent to tempt him hither wrought above The reach of our desires ; My Lady Sir , Hee does believe is sicke to death ; and all , In languishment for his deare love . Yo: Pall. Pert , and Meager , though you have both good faces , They must not be seene here ; there is below , A Brother o' mine ; whom ( I take it ) you Have us'd not overtenderlie . Meag.

S'light he must needs remember us !

Pert. Wee 'l sooner stay t' out-face a Basiliske ! Whither shall wee goe ? Yo: Pall. To Snore the Constable : Morglay is still A Pris'ner in his house ; take order for 's Release , as I projected , but ( d' you heare ) Hee must not free him till I come . Pert. Pall , will the dull Ruler of the night ( Pall ) Obay thy Edict ! Yo: Pall: His wife will , and she 's his Constable ! Name mee but to her , and shee does homage ! Meag.

Enough , wee will attend thee there !

Engin.

This way Gentlemen . Exeunt Engine , Pert , Meager .

Enter Elder Pallatine . Eld: Pal. What 's this , an apparition , a Ghost imbroider'd ? Sure he has got the Devill for his Taylor . Yo. Pall.

Good morrow Brother , Morrow !

Eld. Pall. You are in glory sir , I like this flourishing ! The Lilly too , lookes handsome for a Month ; But you ( I hope ) will last out the whole yeare ! Yo. Pall. What flourishing ? O Sir , belike you meane My Cloathes ; th' are Ragges , course homely Ragges , beleev 't ; Yet they will serve for 'th Winter sir , when I Ride post in Sussex wayes ! — Eld. Pall. This gayetie denotes Some solitary treasure in the Pocket , And so you may become a lender too ; You know , I 'm farre from home ! Yo. Pall.

I 'le lend nothing , but good Counsell , and Witt ?

Eld. Pall. Why , sure , you have no Factors sir , in Delph , Lyghorne , Aleppo , or' th Venetian Iles , That by their Traffique can advance you thus ; Nor doe you trade i' th City by retaile In our small Wares : All that you get by Law , Is but a dolefull Execution After Arrest ; and for your power in Court ; I know your stockings being on , you are Admitted in the Presence . Yo. Pall. What does this inferre Brother ? Men of designe are chary of their Minutes , Be quicke , and subtile ! Eld. Pall. The Inf'rence is You prosper by my documents ; and what You have atchiev'd must be , by your good Wits ! Yo. Pall. If you had had a Sybill to your Nourse , You could not ( Sir ) have aym'd neerer the truth . I saw your Eares and Baggs , were shut to all Intents of bounty ; therefore was inforc'd Into this way ; and 't was at first somewhat Against my Conscience too ! Eld. Pall. If not to vex The zealous spirit in you , I would know why ? Yo: Pal. Good faith I 've search'd Records , and cannot find That Magna Charta does allow a Subject To live by his Wits ; there is no Statute for 't ! Eld. Pall.

Your Common Lawyer was no Antiquary !

Yo. Pal. And then ( credit me Sir ) the Canons of The Church authorize no such thing . Eld: Pall.

You have met with a dull Civillian too !

Yo: Pall. Yet Brother , these impediments cannot Choke up my way ; I must still on ! Eld: Pall. And you believe the Stories of young heires Enforc'd to signe at Mid-night to appease The Sword Mans wrath , may be out-done by you ! Yo: Pall.

I were unkind else , to my owne good parts !

Eld: Pal. And that your Wit has power to tempt from the Severe , grave Bench , the Aldermen themselves , To rifle where you please , for Skarfes , Feathers , And for Race Nags ! Yo: Pal.

It is believ'd Sir , in a trice !

Eld: Pal. And that your wit can lead our rev'rend Matrons , And testy Widowes of fourscore , to scale ( And in their smocks ) for fraile commodities To elevate your Punke ? Yo: Pal. All this Sir , is so easie , My Faith would swallow 't , though t 'had a sore throat ! Eld: Pal. Give mee thy hand ! This day I le cut off the entaile Of all my Lands , and dis-inherit thee ! Yo: Pall.

Will you Sir ? I thanke yee !

Eld: Pal. But marke mee Brother ; for there 's Iustice in 't , Admits of no reproofe ; what should you doe With Land , that have a Portion in your braine , Above all Legacies or heritage ? Yo: Pal.

I conceive you !

Eld: Pal. O to live here , i' th faire Metropolis Of our great Isle , a free Inheritor Of ev'ry modest , or voluptuous wish , Thy young desires can breath ; and not oblieg'd To 'th Plough-mans toyles , or lazie Reapers swet ; To make the world thy Farme , and ev'ry Man Lesse witty than thy selfe , Tennant for life ; These are the glories that proclaime a true Phylosophie , and Soule , in him that climbes To reach them with neglect of Fame and Life ! Yo: Pal. He carries it bravely ! As he had felt Nothing that fits his owne remorse ; but know , Sir Eagle , th' higher that you flye , the lesse You will appeare to us , dim sighted Fowle , That flutter here below . Brother , farewell ! They say , the Lady of this house , groanes for Your love , the tame sick foole is rich ; let not Your pride beguile your profit ! Exit . Eld: Pall. I suspect him ! Not all the skill I have In Reason , or in Nature can pronounce Him free , from the defeat upon my Gold , And Iewels ! 't was like a Brother ! but for His two Confederates ; though I should meet Them in a Mist , darker than Night , or Southerne Fens Produce , my Eies would be so courteous sure , To let mee know them ! Enter Ample , caried in as sicke in a Couch , Luce , Engine , Ginet . Engin. Roome ! More ayre ! if heav'nly Ministers Have leasure to consider or assist The best of Ladies , let them shew it now ! — Luce. How doe you Madam ? Oh , I shall lose The chiefe example of internall love Of gentle grace , and feature , that the world Did ever shew , to dignifie our Sex ! Eng.

Work on ! I must stand Sentinell beneath ! Exit .

Eld: Pal. Is her disease growne up to such extremitie ? Then it is time , I seeme to suffer too ; Or else my hopes will prove sicker than shee ! Luce. More cruell than the Panthar on his prey ! Why speake you not ? no comfort from your Lips ; You Sir that are the cause of this sad hower ! Gin. He stands as if his Legs had taken root ; A very Mandrake ! Eld: Pall. How comes it ( Lady ) all these Beauties that But yesterday did seeme to teach The Spring to flourish and rejoyce , so soone Are wither'd from our sight . Amp. It is in vaine , t' inquire the reason of That griefe , whose remedy is past ; had you But felt so much remorse , or softnesse in Your heart , as would have made you nobly just , And pittifull ; the Mourners of this day Had wanted then , their Dead to weepe upon ! Eld. Pall. Am I the cause ? forbid it gentle heaven ! The Virgins of our Land , when this is told , Will raze the Monumentall building , where My buried flesh shall dwell , and throw my dust Before the sportive windes , till I am blowne About in parcels lesse then Eie-sight can Discerne ! Luce.

Shee listens to you sir ?

Eld. Pal. If I am guilty of neglect ; Give me a taste of dutie , name how farre I shall submit to love ! the mind hath no Disease above recovery , if wee Have courage to remove dispaire ! Ample . O sir , the pride and scornes , with which you first Did entertaine my passions , and regard , Have worne my easie heart away ; my breast Is emptier than mine Eies ; that have distill'd Their Balls to Funerall Dew ! It is too late ! Luce. Ginet , my feares have in them too much Prophecie , I told thee shee would nere recover ! Ginet . For my poore part , I wish no easier Bed At night , then the cold grave where she must lie ! Amp.

Luce , Luce ! intreat the Gentleman to sit !

Luce.

Sit neere her sir ! You heare her voyce growes weake !

Ample . That you may see your scornes could not perswade My love , to thoughts of danger or revenge ; The faint remainder of my breath , I le waste In Legacies , and Sir to you , you shall Have all , the Lawes will suffer me to give ! Eld. Pall. Who , I ? sweet Saint , take heed of your last deeds ! Your bounty carries cunning Murder in 't ; I shall be kill'd with kindnesse , and depart Weeping , like a fond Infant , whom the Nurse Would sooth , too early to his bed ! Luce. Nay Sir , no remedy , you must have all : Though you procur'd her death ; the world shall not Report ; she dy'd beholding to you ! Ginet .

Goe to her Sir , she 'ld speake with you agen !

Ample . Sir , if mine Eies , in all their health and glory , Had not the power to warme you into Love , Where are my hopes , now they are dimme , and have Almost forgot the benefit of light ! Eld. Pal. Not love ! Lady ! Queene of my heart ! what oathes Or execrations can perswade your faith From such a cruell jealousie ! Ampl. I 'd have some testimony Sir ; if but T' assure the world , my love , and bounty at My death , were both conferr'd on one , that shew'd So much requitall , as declares he was Of Gentle humane race ! Eld. Pall. What shall I doe ? Prescribe mee dangers now , horrid as those Which Mid-night fires beget , in Citties overgrowne ; Or Winter stormes produce at Sea , and try How far my love will make mee venture to Augment th' esteeme of yours ! Ampl. That triall of your love which I request Implies no danger Sir ; 't is not in mee T' urge any thing , but what your owne desires Would chuse ! Eld: Pall. Name it ! like eager Mastiffs , chain'd From the encounter of their game , my hot Fierce appetite diminisheth my strength ! Ampl. 'T is onely this : for feare some other should Enjoy you when I 'm cold , in my last sleepe ; I would intreat you to sit heare , grow sick , Languish , and dye with mee ! Eld: Pall. How ! dye with you ! Takes Luce aside . 'T were fit , you hastned her to write downe all Shee can bestow , and in some forme of Law : I feare , shee 's mad ! her sences are so lost , Shee 'l never find them to her use agen ! Luce.

I pray Sir why ?

Eld. Pall. Did you not heare what a fantastick sute Shee makes , that I would sit and dye with her ? Luce. Does this request seeme strange ? you will doe little For a Lady , that deny to bring her Onward her last journey ; or is 't your thrift ? Alas you know , soules travell without charge ! Eld: Pall.

Her little skull is tainted too !

Ampl.

Is hee not willing Luce ?

Eld. Pall. My best deare Lady , I am willing to Resigne my selfe to any thing but death ! Doe not suspect my kindnesse now ; In troth I 've businesse upon Earth will hold me here At least a score or two of yeares ; but when That 's done ; I am content to follow you ! Amp. If this perswasion cannot reach at your Consent ; yet let mee witnesse so much love In you , as may enforce you languish , and Decay , for my departure from your sight . Luce. Can you doe lesse than languish for her death ? Sit downe here , and begin ! true sorrow Sir , If you have any in your brest will quickly Bring you low enough ! Eld. Pall. Alas good Ladies ! do you think my languishment And griefe is to begin upon mee now ? Heaven knowes how I have pin'd , and groan'd , since first Your letter gave mee knowledge of the cause ! Luce.

It is not seene Sir in your face !

Eld. Pall. My face ! I grant you ; I bate inwardly ! I 'm scorch'd , and dry'd , with sighing to a Mummie : My Heart , and Liver are not big enough To choke a Daw ! A Lamb layd on the Altar for A sacrifice hath much more entrailes in 't ! Luce.

Yet still , your sorrow alters not your face ?

Eld. Pall. Why no , I say ! No man , that ever was Of Natures making hath a face moulded With lesse helpe for hypocrisie than mine ! Ginet .

Great pitty Sir !

Eld. Pall. Though I endur'd the Diet and the Flux ; Lay seven dayes buried up to 'th Lips like a Deceas'd sad Indian in warme sand ; whilst his Afflicted Female wipes his salt foame off With her owne haire , feeds him with Buds of Guacum For his salad ; and Pulpe of Salsa for His Bread ; I say , all this endur'd , would not Concerne my face ! Nothing can decline that ! Amp.

Yet you are us'd Sir , to bate inwardly !

Eld. Pall.

More than heires unlanded , or unjoynter'd Wives .

Enter Engine . Engin.

What shall wee doe ? Sir Tirant Thrift's come home !

Eld. Pall.

Sir Tirant Thrift !

Luce.

My Ladies Guardian Sir !

Amp.

He meets th' expected hower , just to my wish !

Luce.

What , hath hee brought a husband for my Lady ?

Engin. There is a certaine one legg'd Gentleman , Whose better halfe of limbs is wood ; for whom Kind Nature did provide no hands , to prevent Stealing ; and to augment his gracefulnesse , Hee 's crooked as a Witches Bin ! Luce.

Is he so much wood ?

Engin. So much , that if my Lady were in health , And married to him , as her Guardian did Propose , wee should have an excellent generation Of bedstaff . Luce.

When does hee come ?

Engin. To night if his slow Litter will consent ; For they convay him tenderly , lest his Sharpe bones should grate together : Sir Pallatine , I wish you could escape my Masters sight ! Eld. Pall.

Is hee comming hither ?

Engin. Hee 's at the doore ! My Ladies sicknesse was No sooner told him , but hee straight projects To proffer her a Will of his owne making ! Hee meanes Sir to be heire of all : if hee Should see you here , hee would suspect my loyaltie , And doubt you for some cunning Instrument , That meanes to interrupt his covetous hopes ! Eld. Pall.

Then I le be gon .

Engin. No Sir , hee needs must meet you in Your passage downe ! besides , it is not fit For you , and your great hopes , with my dependancie On both , to have you absent when my Lady dyes ; I know you must have all : Sir I could wish That wee might hide you here ! — Draw out the Chest within , that 's big enough To hold you : it were dangerous to have My Ladies Guardian to find you Sir ! — They draw in a Chest . Eld. Pall. How ! layd up like a brush'd Gowne , under lock And key ! By this good light , not I ! Luce. O Sir , if but to save the honour of Your Mistris fame , what will hee thinke to see So comely , and so straight a Gentleman Converse here with a Lady in her Chamber ! And in a time that makes for his suspition too , When hee 's from home ! Eld. Pall. I hate enclosure , I ; It is the humor of a distress'd Rat ! Ginet . It is retirement Sir , and you 'l come forth Agen , so sage ! Ampl.

Sir Pallatine ! —

Luce.

Your Lady cals Sir , to her , and be kind !

Amp. Will you permit the last of all my howers Should be defil'd with Infamie , proclaim'd By lewder Tongues , to be unchaste ev'n at My death ? what will my Guardian guesse to find You here ? Eld. Pal. No more , I le in ! but think on 't gentle Lady ! First to bate inwardly , and then to have My outward person shut thus and inclos'd From day light , and your company ; I say But thinke , if 't be not worse than death ! — He enters the Chest . Amp.

Locke him up Luce , safe as thy Mayden-head ! —

Enter Sir Tirant Thrift . Thrift .

Engine , where 's my charge Engine , my deare charge ?

Engin. Sick as I told you Sir , and lost to all The hope , that earthly med'cine can procure ! Her Physitions have taken their last fees , And then went hence shaking their empty heads , As they had left lesse braine than hope ! Thrift .

Alas poore Charge ! come , let me see her Engine !

Luc. At distance Sir , I pray , for I have heard Your breath is somewhat sowre , with overfasting Sir , On Holy-day Eeves ! Thrift .

Ha! what is shee Engine ?

Engin. A pure , good soule , one that your Ward desir'd For love and kindreds sake , t' have neere her at Her death ; shee 'l outwatch a long Rush Candle , And reades to her all night the Posie of Spirituall Flowers ! Thrift .

Does she not gape for Legacies ?

Engin. Fye no! there 's a Cornelian Ring , perhaps Shee aimes at , cost Ten Groats ; or a wrought Smock , My Lady made now 'gainst her wedding Sir ; Trifles which Maids desire to weepe upon With Fun'rall Tales , after a Midnight Possit . Thrift .

Thou saydst below , shee hath made mee her heire .

Engin.

Of all , ev'n to her Slippers and her Pins !

Amp.

Luce , me thought Luce , I heard my Guardeans voyce !

Engin. It seemes her senses are growne warme agen ; Your presence will recover her ! Thrift .

Will it recover her , then I le be gon !

Engin. No Sir , shee 'l straight grow cold agen ! On ! on ! She looks that you would speake to her . Thrift . Alas poor Charge ! I little thought to see This dolefull day . Amp.

Wee all are mortall Sir !

Thrift . I 've taken care , and labour , to provide A Husband for thee ; hee 's in 's Litter now , Hastening to Towne ; a fine young Gentleman ! Onely a little rumpled in the womb , With fals his Mother tooke , after his making . Amp. Death is my husband now ! but yet I thanke You for your tender paines , and wish you would Continue it in quiet governing my Legacies , When I am past the power to see it Sir ; You shall enjoy all ! Thrift . This will occasion more Church building ; And raising of new Hospitals ; there were Enow before ; but Charge you 'l have it so . Amp. I le make Sir one request ; which I have hope , You 'l grant in thankfulnesse to all my bounty ! Thrift . O deare Charge ! any thing ! Your Couzen here Shall witnesse the consent and Act , Amp. Because I would not have my vanities Remaine , as fond examples to perswade An imitation in those Ladies that Succeed my youthfull Pride i' th Towne : my Plumes , Fantastick Flowers , and Chaines : my haughty Rich Embroideries : my gawdy Gownes , and wanton Iewels , I have lock'd within a Chest ! Luce.

There Sir , there the Chest stands .

Ampl.

And I desire it may be buried with mee !

Thrift .

Engine , take care Engine , to see it done !

Ampl. Now Sir , I beseech you leave mee : for 't will But make my death more sorrowfull , thus to Continue my converse with one , I so Much love , and must forsake at last . Thrift .

Alack , alack ! bury her to night Engine !

Engin. Not Sir , unlesse shee dies . Her Ancestors Have sojourn'd long here in St. Bartholmewes , And there 's a Vault i' th Parish Church , kept only For her Family ; shee must be buried there . Thrift . I Engine , I , and let mee see ; the Church Thou knowst , joynes to my house , a good prevention From a large walke ; 't will save the charge of Torch-light . Engin. What Fun'rall Ghests ? the neighbours Sir , will looke To be invited ! Thrift . No more than will suffise To carry downe the Corps ; and thou knowst Engine , Shee is no great weight . Engin.

And what to entertaine them Sir ?

Thrift . A little Rose-marie , which thou mayst steale From th' Temple Garden ; and as many Comfits As might serve to Christen a Watchmans Bastard : T will be enough ! Engin. This will not doe ! Your Citizen Is a most fierce devourer Sir of Plums ! Six will destroy as many as can make A Banquet for an Armie ! Thrift . I le have no more , Engine . I le have no more ! nor ( d' you heare ) no Burnt wine ; I doe not like this drinking healths to 'th memory O' th dead ; it is prophane . Engin. You are obay'd ! But Sir , let mee advise you now to trust The care , and benefit of all your fate Presents you in this house , to my discretion ; And get you instantly to horse agen . Thrift .

Why Engine , speake ?

Engin. In briefe , you know , that all The Writings which concerne your Wards estate , Lye at her Lawyers , fifteene Miles from hence ! Your credit , hee not knowing ( Sir ) shee 's sick , Will eas'ly tempt them to your owne Possession : Which , once injoy'd , y' are free from all litigious sutes His envie might incense her Kindred to ! Thrift .

Enough Engine , I am gone !

Engin. If you should meet the crooked Lover in His Litter Sir ( as 't is in your owne rode ) You may perswade him move like a Crab , backward ; For here 's no mixture , but with wormes . Thrift . 'T is well thought on Engine ! farewell Engine ! Be faithfull , and be rich ! — Engin. My breeding and Good manners Sir , teach mee t' attend your bounty ! Thrift . But Engine , I could wish , shee would be sure To dye too night ! Engin. Alas good Soule ! I le vndertake Shee shall doe any thing to please you Sir ! Exit Thrift . Ampl. Engine , thou hast wrought above the power Of Accident , or Art ! Engin. If you consider 't with a just And lib'rall braine : first , to prevent Th' accesse , and tedious visits of the Fiend His love-sick Monster ; and then rid him hence , Vpon a journey to preserve this house Empty , and free to celebrate the rest Of our designes ! Luce. This Engine , is thy Holly-day ! — Luce knocks at the Chest . What hoa ! Sir Pallatine , are you within ? Eld: Pall.

Is Sir Tirant Thrift gone ? open Lady ! open !

Luce. The Cazement Sir I will , a little to Increase your witships allowance of aire ! — opens a wicket at th' end of the Chest . But th' troth , for liberty of limbs , you may As soone expect it in a Gally Sir , After six Murders and a Rape ! Eld. Pall.

How , Lady of the Lawne !

Luce. Sir Launcelot , You may believ 't , if your discreet faith please ; This Tenement is cheape ; here you shall dwell , Keepe home , and be no wanderer ! Eld. Pal. The Pox take mee if I like this ! sure when Th' advice of th' Ancients is but ask'd , they 'l say I am now worse , than in the state of a Bawd ! Engin.

D' you know this Lady Sir ?

Eld: Pall. The Lady Ample ! Her vayle's off too ! and in the lusty garb Of health , and merriment ! Now shall I grow As modest as a snayle that in 's affliction Shrinks up himselfe , and 's hornes into his shell , Asham'd still to be seene . Ampl. Couldst thou believe , Thou bearded Babe ! thou dull ingenderer ! Male rather in the back , than in the braine , That I could sicken for thy love ? for th' cold Society of a thin Northerne Wit ! — Eld : Pallatine sings . Eld. Pal. Then Troyains waile with great remorse , The Greekes are lock'd i' th wooden horse ! Enter Yo: : Pallatine . Luce. Pall , come in Pall ! t is done ! the spacious Man Of Land , is now contented with his owne length . Ample .

Your Brother 's come to see you Sir !

Eld. Pa. Brother ! Mad Girles these I couldst thou believ 't sirrah ! I am Coffin'd up like a Salmon Pye , New sent from Den'shire for a token ! Come , Breake up the Chest ! Yo. Pall.

Stay Brother ! whose Chest is it ?

El. Pall. Thou 'lt aske more questions then a Constable In 's sleepe ! prethee dispatch ! Yo. Pall. Brother , I can , But marke the Malice and the envy of Your Nature : I am no sooner exalted To rich Possessions , and a glorious meen ; But straight you tempt mee to a forfeiture Of all ; to commit Felony ; breake open Chests ! Eld Pall.

O for Dame Patience ! the Fooles Mistresse !

Yo. Pall. Brother , you have prayd well , heaven send her you ! You must forsake your owne faire fertile soyle , To live here by your Wits ! Luce. And dreame Sir of Enjoying goodly Ladies six yards high ! With Sattin Traines behind them ten yards long ! Amp. Cloth'd all in Purple , and imbroadred with Embossements wrought in Imag'ry , the works O' th ancient Poets drawne into similitude , And cunning shape ! Gin.

And this attain'd Sir by your Wits !

Yo: Pall. Nothing could please your haughty Pallat but The Muskatelli , and Frantiniak Grape ! Your Turin and your Tuscan Veale , with Red Legg'd Partridge of the Genoa hils ! Engin. With your broad Liver o' th Venecian Goose ; Fatned by a Iew ; and your aged Carpe , Bred i' th Geneva Lake ! Ampl. Luce. Ginet .

All this maintain'd Sir by your Wits !

Engin. And then you talk'd Sir of your Snailes t'ane from The dewy Marble Quarries of Carrara , And sows'd in Luca Oyle ; with Creame of Zwitzerland , And Genoa pasle . Yo: Pall. Your Angelots of Brie ! Your Marsolini , and Parmasan of Lodi ! Your Malamucka Mellons , and Cicilian Dates ! And then to close your proud voluptuous Maw , Marmalad made , by the cleanely Nunnes of Lisbone ! Ample . Luce. Ginet .

And still thus feasted by your wits !

Eld. Pall.

Deafned with tyranny ! is there no end !

Ample . Yes Sir , an end of you ; you shall be now Convay'd into a closse darke Vault ; there keepe My silent Grandsire company ; and all The Musicke of your groanes , engrosse to your owne eares ! Eld: Pall.

How ! buried , and alive ?

Yo. Pall. Brother ! your hand ! — Farewell ! I 'm for the North ! the fame of this Your voluntary death , will there be thought Pure courtesie to me ; I meane to take Possession sir , and patiently converse With all those Hindes , those Heards , and Flocks , That you disdain'd in fulnesse of your Wit ! Luce.

Helpe Pall to carry him ! he takes it heavily ! —

Eld. Pall. I 'le not endur 't ! fire ! murder ! fire ! treason ! Murder ! treason ! fire ! — Amp. Alas you are not heard ! The house containes none but our selves ! Ex. carying out the Chest . Enter Thwack , Pert , Meager . Pert.

We bring you sir , commends from Pallatine !

Thwack . I had as'live , y' had brought it from the Devill ! Together with his hornes boyld to a Ielly , For a Cordiall against lust ! Meag. We meane the younger Pallatine ; one Sir , That loves your person , and laments this chance , Which his false brother hath exposde you to ! Pert. And as we told you sir , by his command , We have compounded with the Constable ; In whose darke house , y' are now a Prisoner ! But sir , take 't on my Faith ; you must disburse ! For Gold is a restorative , as well To libertie as health ! Thwack . And you beleeve ( It seemes ) that your small-tinie Officer Will take his Unction in the Palme as lovingly , As your exalted Grandee , that awes all With hideous voyce , and face ! Pert.

Even so the Moderns render it !

Thwack . But Gentlemen , you aske a hundred pounds ; T is all I 've left ! Pert. Sir doe but thinke what a Prodigious blemish it will be , both to Your ingenuitie , and fame , to be Betrayd by one , that is believ'd , no wittier than Your selfe , and lye imprison'd for a Bawd ! Thwack . Sir name it not ! You kill mee through the eare ! I 'd rather Sir , y 'ould take my Mother from Her grave , and put her to doe Pennance in Her winding sheet : there is the Sum ! — Meag.

I 'le in Sir , and discharge you ! Exit Meager .

Thw. These carnall Mulcts and Tributes are design'd Onely to such vaine people as have Land ; Are you , and your friend Landed Sir ? Pert.

Such land as wee can share Sir in the Map !

Thw. Lo' you there now ! These live by their Wits ! Why should not I take the next Key I meet , And open this great head ; to try , if there Be any braines left , but sowre Curds , and Plum-broth ! Couzen'd in my Youth ! couzen'd in my Age ! Sir , doe you judge , if I have cause to curse This false , inhumane Towne ! when I was young , I was arrested for a stale commoditie Of Nut-crackers , long Gigs , and Casting Tops : Now I am old , imprison'd for a Bawd ! Pert.

These are sad Tales !

Thw. I will write downe to 'th Country , to dehort The Gentry from comming hither , Letters Of strange dire Newes ; You shall disperse them Sir ! Pert.

Most faithfully !

Thw. That there are Lents , six yeares long proclam'd by th' State ! That our French and Deale Wines are poyson'd so With Brimstone by the Hollander , that they Will onely serve for Med'cine to recover Children of the Itch ; and there is not left Sack enough , to mull for a Parsons cold ! Pert.

This needs must terrifie !

Thw. That our Theaters are raz'd downe ; and where They stood , hoarse Midnight Lectures preach'd by Wives Of Comb-makers , and Mid-wives of Tower-Wharfe ! Pert.

'T will take impregnablie !

Thw. And that a new Plantation Sir ( marke me ) Is made i' th Coven Garden , from the Sutlerie O' th German Campes , and the Suburbs of Paris , Where such a salt disease regnes as will make Sassafras dearer than Vnicornes Horne ! Pert. This cannot chuse but fright the Gentry hence ; And more impoverish the Towne , than a Subversion of their Faire of Bartholmew , The absence of the Termes , and Court ! Thw. You shall ( if my projections thrive ) in lesse ( Sir ) than a yeare ; stable your horses in The New Exchange , and graze them in the Old ! — Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Meager , Queasie , Snore , Mist : Snore . Pert.

Iog off ! there 's Pall , treating for your liberty !

Yo: Pall. The Canopy , the Hangings , and the Bed , Are worth more than your Rent ! come , y' are overpaid ! Besides , the Gentleman 's betray'd ! hee is no Bawd ! Snor. Truely , a very civill Gentleman ! 'Las , hee hath onely roar'd , and sworne , and curs'd Since hee was t'ane : no bawdry I le assure yee ! Mist : Snor.

Gossip Queasie ! what a good'yer would ye have ?

Quea.

I am content , if you and I were friends !

Yo: Pall. Come , come agree ! 't is I that ever bleed , And suffer in your wars ! Mist. Snor. Sweet Master Pallatine , here me but speake ! Have I not often said , Why neighbour Queasie , Come to my house ; besides , your Daughter Mall , You know , last Pompeon time , din'd with me thrice ! When my childs best yellow stockings were missing ; And a new Pewter Porenger mark'd with P. L. Snor.

I for Elizabeth Snore !

Mist : Snor.

The Pewterer that mark'd it was my Uncle !

Quea.

Why , did my Daughter steale your goods ?

Mist. Snor. You heare me say nothing ! but there is As bad as this ( I warrant yee ) learn't at The Back-house ! I le have an Oven o' mine owne shortly ! Yo: Pall. Come , no more words ! there 's to reconcile you In Burnt wine , and Cake ! Goe , get you all in ! I 'm full of businesse , and strange Mistery ! Exeunt Snore , Mist : Snore , Queasie . Meag. A hundred Pall ! 't was all his store ; it lies Here my brave Boy , warme , and secure in Pouch ! Pert. Wee 'l share 't anon . — What need your blush Sir Morglay , Like a Mayd newly undone in a darke Entrie ? There are disasters sure , as bad As yours Recorded in the Citie Annals ! Thw. Your Brother is a Gentleman of a Most even , and blessed composition , Sir ; His very blood is made of Holy-Water , Lesse salt , than Almond-milke ! Yo: Pall. My silly reprehension's were dispis'd ; Y 'would be his Disciple , and follow him , In a new Path , unknowne to his owne feet . Yet I 've walk't in it since ; and prosper'd as You see , without or Land , or Tenement . Thw. T is possible to live b' our Wits ! that is As evident as light , no humane learning Shall advise me from that Faith ! Yo: Pall. Sir Knight , what will you give worthy my braine , And mee ; if after a concealement of Your present shame , I can advise you , how , T' achieve such store of wealth , and treasure , as Shall keepe you here , th' exemplar glory of The Towne , a long whole yeare , without reliefe Or charge , from your owne Rents . This ( I take it ) Was the whole Pride , at which , some few dayes since , Your fancie aym'd ! Thw. This was Sir in the howres Of haughtinesse and hope ! but now — Yo: Pal. I le do 't : whilst my poore Brother too ; low , and Declin'd , shall see , and envie it . Thwack . Live in full port ; observ'd , and wondred at ? Wine , ever flowing in large Saxon Romekins About my board ; with your soft sarsnet smock At night ; and forreigne Musick to entranse ? Yo: Pall. All this , and more than thy invention can Invite thee too . Thw. I le make thee heire of my Estate ! take my right hand , and your two friends For witnesses ! Yo: Pall. Enough ! heare mee with haste ! The Lady Ample 's dead ! — Nay there are things Have chanc'd since your concealment far more fit For wonder Sir , than this : Out of a silly piety , T' avoyd a thirst of Gold , and gawdy Pride I' th world ; sh' ath buried with her in a Chest , Her Iewels , and her Clothes ; besides , as I 'm Enform'd by Luce ( my wise Intelligence ) Five thousand pounds in Gold ; a Legacie , Left by her Aunt more than her Guardian knew ! Thwac.

Well , what of this ?

Yo: Pall. Your selfe , and I , joyn'd Sir in a most firme And loyall League , may rob this Chest ! Thwack .

Marrie , and will !

Yo: Pall. Then when your promise is but ratify'd , Take all the treasure for your owne expence ! Thw. Come let us goe ; My fingers burne till they Are telling it ! The night will grow upon 's ! Onely you and I , I 'le not trust new Faces : Dismisse these Gentlemen ! Yo: Pall.

At the next street Sir !

Thw. This is at least a girne of Fortune , if Not a faire smile . I 'm still for my old Problem ; Since the living rob mee , I le rob the dead ! Yo: Pall. On my delicious Pert ! Now is the time To make our Purses swell , and Spirits climbe ! Exeunt omnes .

ACT. 5. SCEN. 1. Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Luce , Engine , with a Torch . Yo. Pall. Engine , draw out the Chest , and ope the Wicket ! Let us not hinder him the ayre , since t is Become his food ! Eld, Pall.

Who 's there ? what are you ? speak !

Amp. A brace of mourning Virgins Sir ; that had You dy'd in Love , and in your Wits , would now Have brought Roses , and Lillies , Buds of the Brier , And Summer Pinks to strew upon your Herse ! Eld. Pall.

Then you resolve mee dead !

Luce.

'T were good that you would so resolve your selfe !

Yo: Pall. She counsells you to wise and severe thoughts ; Why , you are no more mortify'd , then Men That are about to dance the Morrice ! Eld. Pall. Ladies , and Brother too ( whom I beginne To worship now , for tendernesse of heart ) Can you believe , I am so leaden , stupid , And so very a Fish , to thinke you dare Thus murther me in bravery of Mirth , You haue gone farre : part of my suff'rance I Confesse a justice to me ! Amp. O , doe you so ! Hath your heart , and braine mett upon that point ; And render'd you silly to your owne thoughts ! Eld. Pall. Somewhat mistaken i' th projection of My journey hither ! Three houres in a Chest Among the dead ; will profit more than three Yeares in a Study ; 'Mongst Fathers , Schoolemen , And Phylosophers ! Yo. Pal. And y' are perswaded now , that there is relatiue To 'th maintaining of a poore younger Brother , Something beside his Witts ? Eld: Pall.

'T is so conceiv'd !

Ample . And that we Ladies of the Towne , or Court , Have not such waxen hearts , that ev'ry beame From a hott Lovers Eie , can melt them through Our Breasts ? Eld. Pall.

Faith , 't is imagin'd too !

Luce. That though th' unruly Apetites of some Perverted few , of our fraile Sex , have made Them yield their honors to unlawfull love ; Yet there is no such want of you Male-sinners As should constraine them hyre you to 't with Gold ? Eld. Pall. Y' have taught me a new Musick , I am all Consent , and concordance ! Engin. And that , the nimble packing hand , the swift Disordred shufille , or the slurr ; or his More base imployment , that with youth , and an Eternall back , engenders for his bread ; Doe all belong to Men , that may be said To live sir , by their Sinnes , not by their Witts ! Eld. Pall. Sir , whom I love not , nor desire to love , I am of your minde too ! Yo, Pall. Madame , a faire conversion , 't is now fit I sue unto you , for his libertie ! Ample . Alas he hath so profited in this Retirement , that I feare he will not willingly Come out ! Eld. Pall.

O Lady , doubt it not ! Open the Chest !

Amp.

A litle patience Sir ! Enter Ginet .

Ginet . Madam , we are undone , your Guardian is At dore , knocking as if he meant to wake All his dead Neighbours in the Church ! Ample .

So soone return'd ! it is not midnight yet !

Engin. I know the bayt that tempts him backe with such Strange hast ; and have according to your will Provided ( Madam ) to betray his hopes ! Ample .

Excellent Engine !

Engine . This Key convayes you through the Chancell to The house Gall'ry ! My way lies here ; I le let Him in , and try how our designe will relish ! — Exit Engine . Ample . Come sir , it is decreed in our wise Counsell , You must be layd some distance from this place ! Eld. Pall.

Pray save your labour ( Madam ) I 'le come forth !

Amp.

No sir , not yet !

Eld. Pal.

Brother , a cast of your voyce !

Yo. Pall. She hath the Key Brother ! t is but an howers Darke contemplation more ! Eld. Pall.

Madam , here me speake .

Ampl. Nay , no beginning of orations now ; This is a time of great dispatch , and hast ; We have more plots then a Generall in a siedge ! — Ex. carrying out the Chest . Enter Thrift , Engine . Engine . None of the Writings Sir , and yet perplex Your selfe , with so much speed in a returne ! Thrift . The Lawyer was from home , but Engine , I Had hope to have prevented by my hast , Though not her Fun'rall , yet the Fun'rall of The Chest ; Ah deare Engine , tell me but why So much pure innocent Treasure , should be Thus throwne into a darke forgetfulnesse ! Engine . I thought , I had encountred his intents ! All Sir , that Law , allow'd her bounty to Bestow , is yours ; but for the Chest ; trust me , 'T is buried sir ; the Key is here sir , of no use ! Thrift .

Hah , Engine ! Give it me ! —

Engin. And Sir , to vex your meditation more , Though not with Manners , yet with truth ; know there Is hidden in that Chest , a plenteous heape Of Gold ; together with a Rope of most Inestimable Pearle , left by her late Dead Aunt by will , and kept from your discovery ! Thrift .

Is this true , Engine ?

Engin. That precise Chit Luce , her couzen Puritan Was at th' interring of 't ; conceal'd it till The Fun'rall formes were past ; and then forsooth , Shee boasted that it was a pious Meanes , To avoyd covetous desires i' th world ! Thrift . These Fun'rall tales ( Engine ) are sad indeed ; Able to melt an Eye , though harder than That heart , which did consent to so much cruelty Vpon the harmlesse Treasure ! Eng.

I mourne within Sir too !

Thrift . Give mee the Key , that leads me from my house , Vnto the Chauncell doore ! Engin.

T is very late Sir , whither will you goe ?

Thrift .

Never too late too pray ; My heart is heavie !

Engin.

Where shall I wait you Sir ?

Thrift .

At my low Gall'ry doore , I may chance stay long .

Engin. This takes mee more than all the kindnesse Fortune Ever shew'd mee : a desent transmutation . I am no more your Steward , but your Spie ! Exeunt . Enter Yo: : Pallatine , Pert , Meager , Snore , and Watchmen . Yo: Pall. There , there 's more Mony for your Watch ; me thinks Th 'ave not drunke Wine enough ; they doe not chirpe ! Snor. Your Wine mates them , they understand it not . But they have very good capacity in Ale ; Ale Sir , will heat 'um more than your Biefe Brewis ! Yo: Pall.

Well , let them have Ale then .

Snor. O Sir , 't will make 'um sing like the Silk-knitters Of Cock-lane ! Yo: Pall. Meager , goe you to Sir Tirant Thrifts house , Luce , and the Lady are alone , they will Have cause to use your diligence , make haste ! Meag.

Your dog , ty'd to a Bottle , shall not out-run me ! Exit .

Yo: Pall. Pert , stay you here with Master Constable ; And when occasion cals , see that you draw Your lusty Bill-men forth ; bravley advanc'd Vnder the Colours of Queene Ample , and My selfe , her Generall ! Pert.

If Ale can fortifie , feare not ! where 's Sir Morglay ?

Yo: Pall. I 'm now , to meet him i' th Church-yard ; th' old Blade Sculks there like a tame filcher , as hee had Nere stolne 'bove Egges from Market women ; Robb'd an Orchard , or a Cheese loft ! Snor.

Wee 'l wait your worship in this corner .

Yo: Pall.

No stirring , till I either come , or send .

Snor. Pray Sir let 's not stay long , 't is a cold night ; And I have nothing on my Bed at home , But a thin Coverlet , and my wives Sey Petti-coat : Shee 'l nere sleepe ( poore soule ) till I come home To keepe here warme ! Yo: Pall. You shall be sent for strait ! Be merry my dull Sons o' th Night , and Chirpe ! Exit . Snor. Come , neighbour Runlet ! sighing payes no Rent , Though the Land-Lady be in love ! Sing out — They sing a Catch in foure Parts . With Lanthorne on Stall ; at Trea Trip wee play , For Ale , Cheese , and Pudding , till it be day : And for our Break-fast ( after long sitting ) Wee steale a Street Pig , o' th Constables gitting . Enter Engine . Engin. Sir , draw downe your Watch into the Church , And let 'um lie hid close by the Vestrie dore ! Pert.

Is hee there already ?

Engin. Fat Carriers Sir , make not more haste to bed , Nor leane Phylosophers to rise ; I 've so Prepar'd things , that hee 'l find himselfe mistaken ! Pert.

Close by the Vestry dore !

Eng. Right sir , I le to my Lady , and expect th' event of your surprise ! Pert. Follow Master Constable , one , and one : All in a File ! — Exeunt . Enter Thrift , with a Candle . Thrift . I cannot find where they have layd her Coffin ! But there 's the Chest ; I le draw it out , that I May have more roome , to search , and rifle it ! — The weight seemes easie to me , though my strength Be old ; how long , thou bright all powerfull minerall , Might'st thou lie hid , ere the dull dead , that are Entomb'd about thee here , could reach the Sense , To turne wise Thieves , and steale thee from oblivion ! — opens it , and finds a Halter . How ! a Halter ! what Fiend affronts mee with This Emblem ! Is this the Rope of Orient Pearle ? — Enter Pert , Snore , Watchmen . Pert. Now I have told you Master Constable , The intire plot ; marke but , how like that Chest , Is to the other , where the Elder Pallatine Lies a Perdu ; Engine contriv'd them both ! Thrift .

Hah ! what are these , the Constable and Watch ?

Pert.

Ceaze on him for no lesse than sacriledge !

Thrift .

Why neighbors , Gentlemen !

Pert.

Away with him .

Snor. Wee shall know now , who stole the Wanscot Cover From the Font , and the Vicar's Surplisse ! Pert. Alas grave Sir , become a forfeiture To 'th King , for Sacriledge ! Thrif.

Heare me but speake !

Snor.

No , not in a cause against the King !

Pert. Lead to 's owne house ! he shall be Pris'ner there , And lock'd up safe enough . Thrift .

Vndone for ever ! — Exeunt .

Enter Yo: : Pallat : Thwack , with an Iron Crow , and dark Lanthorn . Thw. Why this was such a firke of Piety , I nere heard of : Bury her Gold with her ? T is strange her old shooes were not interr'd too ; For feare the dayes of Edgar should returne , When they coyn'd Leather . Yo. Pal.

Come Sir , lay down your Instrument !

Thw.

Why so ?

Yo: Pal. I 'm so taken with thy free jolly Nature , I cannot for my heart proceed to more Defeat upon thy liberty : all that I told thee were ranke lyes ! Thw.

How ! no treasure trovar !

Yo: Pal. Not so much as will pay for that small Candle light We waste to find it out ! Thwack .

I thanke you Sir ! — Flings downe the Crow of Iron .

Yo. Pal. You shall have cause , when you heare more ; to this Darke region Sir , solemne , and silent , as Your thoughts must be , ere they are mortify'd . Have I now brought you , to perceive what an Immense large Asse ( under your favour Knight ) You are to be seduc'd , to such vaine stratagems By that more profound Foppe , your friend , my Brother ! Thw. How had I been serv'd , if I 'ad brought my scales Hither , to weigh this Gold ? but on ! your brother ! Whose name ( let me tell you first ) sounds far worse To me then does a Sergeant to a young Indebted Lover , that 's arrested in his Coach , And with his Mistris by him ! Yo: Pall. You are believ'd : but will you now confirme Me to your grace and love , if I shall make 't Appeare , that in a kind revenge of what You suffred Sir , I 've made this false , and great Seducer of Mankind , to suffer more . Thw. The Legend , Talmud , nor the Alcharon , Have not such doubtfull tales as these ; but make 't Appeare , I would have evidence ! Yo: Pal. Then take 't on my Religion Sir , he was Layd up in durance for a Bawd before He betrayd you to the same preferment ! Thw. Shall this be justify'd , when my disgrace Comes to be knowne ; wilt thou then witnesse it ? Yo: Pal. With a deepe oath ! And Sir , to tempt more of Your favours on poore mee , that ever mourn'd For all your sufferings ; know you shall now See him inclos'd in a blind Chest ; where hee Lies bath'd Sir , in a greater swet than ere Cornelius tooke in his owne Tub ! Thw. Here amongst Sepulchers , and mallencholy bones : Let mee but see 't ; and I will dye for joy , To make thee instantly my heire ! Yo. Pal. You shall ; and yet ere the Sun rise , find him Enthrall'd too in a new distresse ! Thw. Do'st want money ? bring mee to Parchment and A Scriv'ner , I le seale out two pound of Wax . — Yo. Pall : knocks at the Chest . Yo: Pal.

You Sir , my neer'st Ally , are you asleep ?

Eld: Pal.

O Brother , art thou come ! quick , let me forth .

Yo: Pal. Here is a certaine friend of yours presents His loving visit Sir ! — Opens the Wicket . Eld. Pall. Sir Morglay Thwack ? I had rather have seene my sister naked ! Thwack . What , like a bashfull Badger doe you draw Your head into your hole agen ? Come sir , Out with that sage Noddle , that has contriv'd So cunningly for me , and your deare selfe ! Eld. Pall. Here , take my Eielids Knight , and sow 'em up , I dare not see thy face ! Thwack . But what thinke you Of a new Iourney from the North , to live Here by your Wits ; or midnight visits sir , To the Mogols Neece ! Eld. Pall. I have offended Knight ! Whip me with wire , headed with Rowels of Sharpe Ripon Spurs ! I le endure any thing Rather than thee ! Thwack . Wee have ( I thanke your bounteous braine ) Beene entertain'd with various consorts sir , Of whispring Lutes , to sooth us into slumbers , Spirits of Clare to bathe our Temples in , And then the wholsome wombe of woman too , That never teem'd , all this for nothing sir ! Yo: Pall.

Come , I le let him forth !

Thwack . Rogue ! if thou lov'st me ! Nay , let him be confin'd thus , one short moneth ! I le send him downe to Countrey Faires for a New motion made , b' a Germane Ingener ! Yo: Pall.

'Las , he is my Brother .

Thwack . Or for a solitary Ape , Lead captive thus by th' Hollander , because He came aloft for Spaine , and would not for the States ! Yo: Pall. Sir Morglay leave your Lanthorne here , and stay My comming at yon dore ; I le let him out ! But for the new distresse , I promis'd on His person , take it on my manhood sir , He feeles it strait ! Thwack .

Finely ensnar'd agen , and instantly !

Yo: Pall.

Have a good faith , and goe ! Exit Thwack .

Eld. Pall.

Deare Brother , wilt thou give me liberty !

Yo: Pall. Vpon condition sir , you kisse these Hilts , Sweare not to follow me , but here remaine Vntill the Lady Ample shall consent , To 'th freedome I bestow ! — He kisses the Hilts . Eld. Pall.

T is done ! a vow inviolate ! He opens the Chest and lets him out .

Yo. Pall. Now silence Brother ! not one curse , nor thankes — Exit Yo. Pall . Eld. Pall. Fate , and a good Starr speed me ! though I have Long since amaz'd my selfe e'ne to a Marble , Yet I have courage left , to aske , what this Might meane ? Was ever Two legg'd Man thus us'd ! — Enter Pert , Snore , & Watchmen . Pert. Pall , and his friend are gone , I must not stay His sight ; but after you have ceaz'd upon him Lead him a Prisoner to the Lady too . — Exit Pert. Sno.

Warrant ye , though he were Gog , or Heldebrand ! — they lay hold on him .

Eld. Pal:

How now ? What meane you Sirs ?

Snore .

Yield to the Constable .

Eld. Pal. 'T is yielded sir , that you are Constable ! But where have I offended ! Snore . Heere Sir , you have committed Sacriledge , And robb'd an Aldermans Tombe , of himselfe , And his Two Sonnes kneeling in Brasse ! Eld. Pal.

How , Flea Monuments of their Brazen skinnes ?

Snore . Looke , a Darke Lanthorne , and an Iron Crow ! Fine evidence for a Iurie ! — Eld. Pall. I like this plott ! The Lady Ample and My Brother , have most rare , triumphant Witts ; Now by this hand , I am most eagerly In love with both ; I finde I have deserv'd all ; And am resolv'd t' hugge them , and their designes ; Though they afflict me more , and more ! Whither must I goe ? Snore . Away with him ! Saucie fellow ! examine The Kings Constable ! — Exeunt . Enter Young Pallatine , Thwack , Ample , Luce , Meager . Meager . I am become your Guardians Iaylor , Lady ; Hee 's safe lock'd in the Parlor , and there howles Like a Dogg that sees a Witch flying ! Thwack . I long to heare how my wise Tutor thrives I' th new defeat ! Amp. 'T is well you are converted ! Beleev 't that Gentleman deserves your thankes . Thwack . Lady seale my conversion on you Lipp ; 'T is the first leading Kisse , that I intend For after chastetie ! — kisses her . Yo. Pal. Luce , see you make the proposition good Which I shall give my Brother from this Lady , Or I le so swaddle your small Bones . Luce. Sweet Pall , thou shalt . Madam , you 'l please to stand To what I lately mention'd to your owne desire ? Amp.

To ev'ry particle , and more . — Enter Pert.

Pert.

Your Brother 's come ; this roome must be his prison .

Yo: Pall. ' Way Luce , away : stand in the Closet Madam , That you may heare us both , and reach my call . Thw.

I le stay , and see him .

Yo: Pall. No Knight ; you are decreed Sir Tirants Iudge : Goe that way Sir , and force him to compound . Thwack . I le fine him soundly , Till's Purse shrink like a Bladder in the fire ! — Ex. Amp. Luc. Thw. Meag. Pert. Enter Snore , Elder Pallatine . Snor. Here Sir , this is your Iayle , too good for such A great Offender . Eld: Pall. Sacriledge ! very well . Now all the Pulpit Cushions , all the Hearse Clothes , And winding sheets , that have been stolne about The Towne this yeare , will be laid to my charge ! Yo: Pall. Pray leave us Master Constable , and looke Vnto your other Bondman in the Parler . — Exit Snore . Eld: Pal. This is the wittiest off-spring that our name Ere had : I love him beyond hope , or lust , My Father was no Poet sure , I wonder How hee got him ? Yo. Pal.

I know you curse me now .

Eld. Pal.

Brother , introth you lie , and who ere believes it .

Yo: Pal. Indeed you doe : Conjurers in a Circle , That have rais'd up a wrong spirit , curse not So much , nor yet so inwardly . Eld: Pal.

I 've a great mind to kisse thee .

Yo: Pal.

You have not sure ?

Eld: Pal. I shall do 't , and eate up thy lips so far , Till th' ast nothing left to cover thy teeth . Yo: Pal. And can you thinke all the afflictions you Endur'd , were merited ; first , for misleading Morglay , your old friend ; then , neglect of mee , And haughty over-vallewing your selfe ? Eld: Pal. Brother , I murmur not ; the Traps that you Have layd , were so ingenious , I could wish To fall in them agen . Yo: Pal. The Lady Ample Sir , There is the great contriver that hath weav'd These knots so intricate and safe : 'Las , I Was but her lowly Instrument . Eld: Pall. Ah that Lady ! were I a King , shee should Sit with me under my best Canopie , A silver Scepter in her hand ; with which , I 'd give her leave to breake my head for ev'ry fault I did commit . Yo: Pall. But say , I bring this Lady Sir , unto Your lawfull sheets ; make her your bosome wife : Besides , the plenty of her heritage , How would it sound , that you had conquer'd her Who hath so often conquer'd you ? Eld. Pall.

Deare Brother , no new plots .

Yo. Pall. Six thousand pounds Sir is your yearly Rent ; A faire temptation to a discreet Lady : Luce , hath fill'd both mine Eares with hope ; besides , I heard her say , shee nere should meet a man , That she could more subdue with Wit , and Government . Eld: Pall.

That I le venture .

Yo: Pal. Well , my first bounty is your freedome Sir ; For 'th Constable obayes no Law , but mine . And now , Madam ! Appeare ! — Enter Ample , Luce . Amp.

Y' are welcome 'mongst the living Sir ?

Eld, Pal. Lady , no words ; if y' have but so much Mercie As could secure one that your Eies affect . Amp. Why , you 'r growne arrogant agen : d' you thinke They are so weake , to affect you ? Eld. Pal. I have a heart so kind unto my selfe , To wish they could ; O we should live . Amp.

Not by our Wits .

Eld: Pal. No , no! but with such soft content ; still in Conspiracie , how to betray our selves To new delights , keepe harmonie , with no More noyse , than what the upper motions make ; And this so constant too , Turtles themselves , Seeing our faith , shall slight their owne , and pine With jealousie . Amp. Luce , the youth talkes sence now , no Med'cine for The braine , like to captivity in a darke Chest . Yo: Pall.

O Madam , you are cruell !

Amp. Well my sad Convertite : joy yet at this : I 've often made a vow , to marry on That very day my Wardship is expir'd : And two howres since , that liberty begun . Luce.

Nay , heare her out ! your wishes are so sawcie Sir .

Amp. And know , my glory is dispatch . My Ancestors Were of the fierie French , and taught me love , Hot eagernesse , and haste ! Eld: Pall. Let mee be rude A while ; lye with your judgement , and beget Sages on that ! My dearest , chiefest Lady ! — Amp.

Your braine 's yet fowle , and will recoyle agen .

Eld. Pall.

No more : I le swallow downe my Tongue !

Amp. If Sir , your nature be so excellent , As your kind Brother hath confirm'd to Luce . And mee ; follow , and I le present you straight With certaine writings you shall seale to , hood-winck'd , And purely ignorant of what they are ? This is the swiftest , and the easiest test , That I can make of your bold love ; doe this , Perhaps , I may vouchsafe to marrie you . The writings are within . Eld: Pall.

Lead mee to triall , come !

Amp. But Sir , if I should marry you ; it is In confidence , I have the better Wit ; And can subdue you still to quietnesse , Meeke sufferings , and patient awe . Eld: Pall.

You rap me still anew .

Yo: Pall.

In Luce , our hopes grow strong , and Giantly ! Exeunt .

Enter Thrift , Snore , Mist : Snore , Queasie , Ginet . Ginet . To him Mistrisse Snore ; 't is hee has kept Your Husband from his Bed so long , to watch Him for a Church Robberie ! Mist : Snor. Ah , thou Iudas ! I thought what thou 'ldst come to ! Remember the Warrant thou sent'st for mee Into Duck-lane , 'cause I call'd thy Mayd Trot ! When I was faine t' invite thy Clerke to a Fee Pye , sent me b' a Temple Cooke , my Sisters Sweet-heart ! Quea. Nay , and remember who was brought to bed Under thy Coach house wall ; when thou deuid'st A wad of straw , and wouldst not joyne thy halfe-penny To send for Milke , for the poore Chrisome ! Snor. Now you may sweeten me with Sugar-loaves At New-yeares-tide , as I have you Sir . — Enter Thwack , Pert , Meager , Engine . Thw. Wee 'l teach you to rob Churches ! S'light , hereafter Wee of the Pious shall be afrayd to goe To a long Exercise , for feare our Pockets should Be pick'd ! Come Sir , you see already how The neighbours throng to find you ; will you consent ? T is but a thousand pounds a piece to these Two Gentlemen ; and five hundred more t' Engine . Your crime is then conceal'd , and your selfe free . Meag.

No , he may chuse , hee 'l trust to 'th kind hearted Law .

Pert. Let him , and to Dame Iustice too , who though Her Ladiship be blind , will grope hard Sir , To find your Money Bags . Engin. Sir you are rich ; besides , you know what you Have got by your Wards death ; I feare you will Be begg'd at Court , unlesse you come off thus . Thrift .

There is my Closet Key , doe what you please .

Engin.

Gentlemen , I le lead you to it , follow me .

Thw. D' you use to find such sums as these beneath An Oke , after a long March ; I thinke sure , The wars are not so plentifull . Pert.

Wee thinke so too .

Thw. Y 'had better traile a Bodkin , Gentlemen , Under the Lady Ample , than a Pike Under a German Generall . Per.

Wee 'l in for th' Mony Sir , and talk anon . Ex. Eng. Per. Meag.

Enter Eld : Pallatine , Yo: : Pallatine , Ample , Luce . Yo: Pall. Sir Tirant Thrift , here is your Ward come from The dead , t' indite you for a Robbery Upon her Ghost . Thrift .

Hah ! Is shee alive too ?

Luce. Yes , and her Wardship out , before y' have profer'd her A Husband Sir ; so the best benefit Of all your Guardianship is lost . Ampl. In seven long yeares you could not Sir provide A man deform'd enough , to offer mee For your owne ends . Thrift .

Couzen'd of wealth , of fame ! Dog Engine ! Ex. Thrift .

Thw. Wee must have you enclos'd agen : y' are very Forward with the Lady . Eld: Pall. I will be Sir , Vntill shee groane ! this Priest stayes some what long . Thw. How 's this ? troth I shall forgive thee then heartily . Amp. I 've t'ane him i' th behalfe of health ; to chide And jeere , for recreation sake , 't will keepe Mee Sir , in breath , now I am past growing . Eld: Pall. Hearke Knight ! here 's rellish for your eares . I chose None of your dull Country Madams , that spend Their time in studying Receipts , to make March-Pane , and preserve Plums ; that talke Of painfull Child-births , Servants wages , and Their husbands good Complexion , and his Leg ! Thw.

New wonders yet !

El: Pall. What was that ( Mistris ) which I seal'd to , hood-wink'd ? A simple triall of my confidence and love . Amp. Your Brother has it , t is a gift to him Of one faire Mannor , 'mongst those many that you Have in Possession Sir ; and in this Bond , Y' are witnesse to three thousand pounds I give to Luce ! Luce.

Yes Sir , for Pall and I must marry too .

Yo: Pall.

I were an Ev'nuch else , and th' world should know 't .

Eld: Pall. Thou couldst not have betrayd mee to a bounty I more love . Brother ! Give thee joy ! — Thw. takes Yo: : Pall . aside . Thw. You are the cause of all these Miracles : Therefore I desire you to be my heire ; By this good day you must : for I 've t'ane order , Though I love your Wit , you shall not live by it . Yo: Pall.

My kind thanks Sir , the poore Mans gratitude .

Mist : Snor. ' Give you joy sweet Master Pallatine , and Your Brother too . Quea. And send you more such wives , Ev'ry yeare as many as shall please heaven . Snor. T is day . I le not to bed Sir now ; my watch Shall be drunke , at your worships wedding . Yo: Pall. They shall , and there is Gold enough to keepe Them so , untill thy reigne be out . — Enter Pert , Meager , Engine , with Money Bags . Pert.

Loaden with composition Pall . —

Meag.

T is for your sake wee grone under these burdens . —

Yo: Pall. The Offall of Sir Tirants Trunks ! Brother , Pray know these Gentlemen , they owe you more Money than they meane to pay now . Eld: Pal. I remember 'um : But no words my Cavalliers , And you are safe . Where shall we dine to day ? Yo: Pal. At Lucy's Aunts ; wee 'l make her costive Beldamship Come off ; when shee beholds a goodly joynture , And our faire hopes . Eld: Pall. First , to the Church . Lady , I le make your skittish person sure . Some of Your pleasant Arts upon mee , may become A wise Example , and a Morall too ; Such as their haughty fancie well befits , That undertake to live here by their Wits . Exeunt omnes .

FINIS .

EPILOGVE . THe office of an Epilogue , is now To smooth & stroke the wrinckles from each brow ; To guide severer judgements ( if wee could Be wise enough ) untill they thought all good , Which they perhaps dislike ; And sure , this were An over-boldnesse , rais'd from too much Feare . You have a Freedome , which wee hope you 'l use , T' advance our youthfull Poet , and his Muse With a kind Doome ; And hee 'l tread boldly then In 's best new Comick Socks , this Stage agen .

Machine-generated castlist A19883-palatine_sr 192 A19883-palatine_jr 161 A19883-thwack 105 A19883-ample 95 A19883-pert 76 A19883-engine 59 A19883-luce 43 A19883-meager 38 A19883-lucy 36 A19883-thrift 35 A19883-snore 30 A19883-mrs_snore 18 A19883-ginet 16 A19883-queasy 13 A19883-unassigned 4

Textual Notes

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c3cjw-004-b-1040 Taff●ta hast thou danc'd to the Drum too ? Could a Taffeta scarfe , a long Estridge whing , A stiffe c3cjw-006-a-0250 ●●uff'd VVhat can she heare , when her old eares are stuff'd With as much warme waxe , as will seale c3cjw-006-a-1960 Th●mselves which Drawers , Traytors , or Constables Themselves doe keepe ; for VVatchmen know thee better c3cjw-011-a-3380 h●s And tooke from her Exchequer so much Wit As has maintain'd mee since . I led my fine Trim c3cjw-011-a-3910 feel● I feel, , I am inclin'd t'indeavour in A Calling c3cjw-011-b-3350 ●hee I would kisse thee Engine , but for an odd Nice humour in my c3cjw-013-a-1030 E●n●uch so poore Till for preferment you become an Eunuch , And sing a Trebble ; in a Chauntry , Knight c3cjw-013-a-3580 A● these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th'impudence to live long c3cjw-013-a-3590 th●y these Tirant ! Husbands too , grow old ( As they have still th'impudence to live long ) Good c3cjw-013-a-3850 ●ellies pleasant seasons of the day , in boyling Jellies for them , and rowling little Pills Of Cambrick c3cjw-014-a-0730 〈◊〉 if you'l needs marry , Expect not a single Pursse for a Ioynture ; Not so much Land as will c3cjw-015-a-0140 ▪ houres , for they'l returne agen Ere long ; O you carry'd your false love rarely ! c3cjw-016-b-1540 with'Conqueror race of old Norman Spyders , that came in with Conqueror . c3cjw-016-b-2950 making-her wealth ; and would be loth To cheapen these by making her dull family Bold witnesses of her desires c3cjw-017-a-1450 ▪ Sir you have cause ! And in good faith , if you should thinke us such , Wee would c3cjw-018-a-1800 hop●s stripping in more haste , than an old snake That hopes for a new skin ! c3cjw-020-b-0270 E●ters Hounds , and Hawkes , Hunting Nags , with tall Eaters in Blew Coats , Sance Number ! c3cjw-020-b-1890 humblesake Ladiships service : If you please For my humble sake , unto your Lip too ! — c3cjw-021-a-0340 ●uls care ? For let him but prove kind unto his Buls , Bring them their Heifers when their Crests c3cjw-021-a-0930 ▪ Why this young Gentleman hath relish in't ! Yet when you understand the darke , and c3cjw-021-a-1290 ▪ To whom you bow as formost of your blood ; You will degrade your selves from all prerogatives c3cjw-021-b-0180 Ginet▪ Ginet. c3cjw-021-b-0250 carely Your Ladiship forgets how early your Designes will waken you ? c3cjw-021-b-1450 Eig▪ your friends , I would speake with you . Yo. Pall . Men o'the puissant Pike , follow c3cjw-021-b-1460 ▪ your friends , I would speake with you . Eig . Pall . Men o'the puissant Pike , follow c3cjw-022-a-0310 Co●●hes her eyes T'avoyd the sight of Feathers , Coaches , and short Cloakes ! c3cjw-022-a-0860 P●● Why is there never a Pue there ( Luce ) but for Your coughing Aunt c3cjw-022-a-1700 Fairles There's Gold ! the Fairies are thy Mintmen Girle , Of this thou shalt c3cjw-023-a-0410 ▪ dispatch ! Ile knock , for here's the house ! c3cjw-023-b-0420 Cutchy nill with an Argosie , Laden with Indico , and Cutchynil ! c3cjw-024-a-0690 Cl●ret Coronation day , when each Conduit pisses Claret at the Towne charge ! Well , though tis c3cjw-024-a-0900 learn●d than Steele or Marble to Digest ; yet I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider c3cjw-024-a-0980 taint● I have learned , one stop in a Careire , tainte not a Rider with disgrace ; But may procure c3cjw-025-a-1390 tefty your wit can lead our rev'rend Matrons , And testy Widowes of fourscore , to scale ( And in c3cjw-027-b-3700 hi● her Chamber ! And in a time that makes for his suspition too , When hee's from home ! c3cjw-028-a-0840 in wardly but think on't gentle Lady ! First to bate inwardly , and then to have My outward person shut c3cjw-029-a-1660 to ' th wine ; I doe not like this drinking healths to'th memory O'th dead ; it is prophane . c3cjw-030-a-1030 〈◊〉 can , But marke the Malice and the envy of Your Nature : I am no sooner exalted To rich c3cjw-030-a-3440 pas●● ; with Creame of Zwitzerland , And Genoa pasle . c3cjw-030-a-3550 M●rsolini Your Angelots of Brie ! Your Marsolini , and Parmasan of Lodi ! Your Malamucka c3cjw-033-a-3160 shuf●lle nimble packing hand , the swift Disordred shufille , or the slurr ; or his More base imployment c3cjw-034-a-1100 ▪ Meanes , To avoyd covetous desires i'th world ! c3cjw-036-b-0160 Yo▪ Exit Yo. ▪ Pall . c3cjw-036-b-3070 ▪ Saucie fellow ! examine The Kings Constable ! — c3cjw-037-a-1450 ▪ Till's Purse shrink like a Bladder in the fire ! — c3cjw-038-a-0940 Eld▪ Eld. Pall. c3cjw-038-a-1850 ▪ , Perhaps , I may vouchsafe to marrie you . The writings are within . c3cjw-038-b-1410 ▪ Sir you are rich ; besides , you know what you Have got by