The schoole of slovenrie: or, Cato turnd wrong side outward. Translated out of Latine into English verse, to the vse of all English Christendome, except court and cittie. By R.F. Gent

THE Schoole of Slovenrie : Or , Cato turnd wrong side outward .

Translated out of Latine into English verse , to the vse of all English Christendome , except Court and Cittie .

By R. F. Gent.

LONDON Printed by Valentine Simmes dwelling on Adling hill neere Bainards castle at the signe of the white Swanne . 1605.

¶ To all that can write and reade and cast accompt , the Translator .

MAY it please you : To bee a foole in Print , is as ordinarie , as a foole at an Ordinarie ; and therefore t' were no good fellowship to breake companie . T is a Proverb , The child that s borne must be kept , though 't be a bastard , seeing t is murder by the law to make away even the vnlawfully begotten . If the rugged cadence of this Verse , and scurrile harshnesse of this subiect , doe chance to escape a murdring censure ( Quod Dij prius omen in ipsum ) If : then the Translator vowes to conclude , that either Signior Malevole his sure of Gumme is fretted out at elbowes , and hee put to the naked shift of keeping his chamber ( t is well he hath a chamber ; ) or at least the subiect of this Booke is entertained with such abiection , that detraction like your breath-broaker in a Midsummer vacation can find no subiect to worke vpon . Many a man may Petere sibi simile , that intends not Procreare sibi simile , may take a snatch and away , that would be loth to be tied to racke and manger , or passe billes of sope and candle . T is my case : Who , though in the minority of my grammar-schollership , I was induced by those , whom dutie might not withstand , to vnmaske these Roman manners , and put them on an English face ; notwithstanding , witnesse my native bashfull ignorance , how distant it ever was from my desires ; nay , how I ever feard to be pressed to death , by the publike censure of those , who ( as I have heard ) have it by Patent to scandalize whatsoever vndergoes the publike Presse . The truth is , this translation was halfe Printed ere I knew who had it : So that Quo fata trahunt , without prevention or correction the fooles bolt must needes be shot . And this is it . Those which mislike the verse in English , let them reade it in Latine ( for I allowe no mislikers , vnlesse at least they can reade Latin ) & then perhaps thei 'le wonder that a man of such wisedome as my Author , being neyther borne a Roman , nor a Naso , should with such confidence of a generall applause publish so elaborate a trifle : from which admiration of yours , I hope your curtesie will derive a miracle viz. my pardon , especially considering that both Ovid and Virgill ( both Poets Laureat ) have beene metamorphosed into as indigest and breathlesse a kind of verse as this . All that I can say for my Author , is , hee speakes broad English , but by contraries : all for myselfe , is , t is a Punies translation onely , an orphane , howsoever ( fathered vpon me , because I taught him English , yet begotten without my presence , borne before my witte , and published against my will , vnlesse wee may be saide to will what we can not prevent . So fare ye well , and I pray picke as much matter out of this Epistle , as may be ,

Yours in print against his will , R.F. Gent. and no more .

¶ The Preface of Frederike Dedekind to maister Simon Bing Secretarie of Hassia . SVch happinesse on you ( deere friend ) the heau'ns I pray bestow , As you for your so vertuous minde most requisite doe know . If that your matters of more weight did not your presence crave , Your counsell and your ayde , concerning this my booke I 'de have . My Muse , which whilome in two bookes did rusticke faults deride , I have recalld , and into three , foorthwith will it divide . And now againe , through all the worlde I purpose it to send , If fortune , friends , and you doe favour that which I intend , Then marke I pray , for vnto you I 'le open all the truth , My minde , my meaning , and intent , vnto well nurturde youth . Those manners which vnseemely are in these decaying times : And auntient rude simplicitie I checke in iesting rimes : If this my Booke will profite yeeld to men of any kind , And make them weed home-bred behavior , quite out of their minde : That 's all I want , that 's all I crave , that is the furthest scope Of all my paines , of all my cares , of all my furdest hope . But out alas , how dares my Muse such good successe exspect ? Since bad mens ill conditions do so the times infect . I hope , but other mens examples do me much dismay , Which have in vaine whole ages spent in counselling that way . What skill'st too late for to relate renowned Platoes Bookes ? And all those lights , and guides , whose losse poore Greece but hardly brookes , Which tride indeede , but all in vaine , those vices to amend , Which did mens mindes , by follies meanes , in beastly sort offend . And for our later Latine writers , did they aught prevaile ? Which did so long , with such great paines , gainst rusticke vices raile . Did not sage Tully in his bookes , mens dueties plainely tell ? And teach both yong and old , the meanes , to live and die right well ? Yet for all this , what good ? what gaines ? procur'd that learned worke , Since vntamde actions well doe shew , what in mens minds doth lurke : So did old learned Roterodam set foorth a booke of price , From which , for manners straitest rule , all youth might take advise , And yet what profite did he get by that most worthy booke ? Or who did on it , as he ought , for better counsell looke ? Too few do now ( God wot ) regard that jewell of such price , Whenas whole multitudes of men runne headlong vnto vice . I touch not heere small common faults , of a disorderd life , ( Although of these in every place the world is too too rife ) But let them passe as trifling faults , and vertues , in respect Of those great crimes and beastly deedes , which I will heere detect . For you shall finde , if you vncloake mens manners base and rude , Many which in Rusticitie , farre passe the multitude . Put case you finde them eating meate , to stuffe them till they burst , Or quaffing liquor pot by pot , to quench their drunken thurst . You 'le sweare they do no whit respect the end of their creation , Nay , ( which is more , ) you 'le almost sweare they care for no salvation . What though their souls were sent from heaven ? as things of peerelesse price , Yet thei 'le love Reason worse then Follie. Vertue worse then Vice . They square their actions by the rule of beasts of brutish kinde , And to their bellies blinde desires , they captivate their minde . Their wide stretcht guts , beyond the vse of Nature or of neede , In every place , at every time , vnsatiately they feede . Pots by the dozens filld to 'th brims , into their guts they presse , Whenas ( God knowes , ) their greatest thirst might well be quench'd with lesse . If after Gods gifts thus abus'd , they heere at length would end , T' were well , but they exspect for faults , that men should them commend . And yet this fault , this great offence , which daily men live in , By custome and continuance , goes currant for no sin . But what 's the cause I pray , that men neglecting counsells guide , Leave Vertues straight and narrow path , and hold on Vices side ? Why this , bid him that doth offend , in sober quiet talke , To mend his faults , and in the steps of vertuous men to walke . Hee 'le either laugh in pleasant sort , as if you tolde a iest , Or else with scorning scouling lookes , your absence hee 'le request . But if against his greater faults , with bitter words you scolde , Hee 'le tell you that in others faults , your iudgement is too bolde . So that , he which doth nowadaies , precepts of manners give , May preach , and teach , but all in vaine , men as they list will live . And so , good men which in this subiect have great studie spent , Have lost their labor , for to follow them , no man is bent . And yet example of their fortune , troubleth me no whit , But that same marke which all they misst , I 'le venture for to hit . And though to dance after their pipe , the vulgar sort refuse , Yet I 'le presume to teach them manners , which they ought to vse . Perhaps I shall be counted rash , and all my hopes but vaine : And yet I 'le hope , perhaps my meanes more auditors will gaine . Dame Fortune is vnconstant , changing course each other while : Then , though on some she frowne , yet she on me may glance a smile . Tush , no man knowes the wages , which I looke for at her hand , I doubt not but the vulgar sort my methode will command . Fortune , I 'le try thee , for I thinke in triall there 's no harme ; And god Apollo from ill lucke , my enterprises charme . What though perhaps I not prevaile ? t' is but my labour lost , A few ill verses spent in vaine , and this is all my cost . But for because austere commands , and precepts cannot win , Which say , that all but honestie , to do , or thinke , is sin . I 'le try by other meanes new found , the selfe-same marke to hit , Refusing all those other waies , wherein fore-fathers writ . Free leave to live disordredly , vnto all sorts I give , And I command , that in good order , none presume to live . Each clowne shall see what fits him best , and what his manners be , And I affirme , that craftie deeds with crafty knaves agree . Perhaps when many see these faults so fitting their owne name , Such clownish manners from their mindes , thei 'le banish quite for shame . No other meanes is left behinde , to cure this eating sore , For being sencelesse of their faults , they love them more and more . Within the minde of sinfull man , vice now hath got such roote , As by slight meanes to weede it out , it would be little boote . Yet let vs not dispaire for helpe , since this one meanes is left , Whereby our mindes of vices buds , may quickly be bereft . Since to forbid vice will not helpe , we will alow vice too ; The common people , that which you forbid them , often doo . Health most dispaired , healths greatest causer , sometimes proved is , And that from which men looke for bale , doth often bring forth blisse . You see the good Phisitian , whenas he cannot cure By medcines might , a sicknes great , sprung from a bod● impure . How many waies he seekes , to ease his patients grievous smart , By seeking learned phisickes aide , by labour or by Art . One while with Poticarie drugs , he mitigates his paine : Now he with dust opens his wounds , now shuts them vp againe . One while with mangling salve , he cuts a member almost dead , Another while he seares the same , with yron burning red . At length when all Machaons arte and phisickes force hath done , ( And yet the patient is as sicke , as when he first begunne . He gives him hote preservatives , to comfort vp his heart , But all in vaine , he still is sicke , ( diseases master Art . ) At length he comes to contraries , and alters quite the case , From hote , to colde , he gives him Antidots in Cordialls place . And thus to him he doth restore his vnexspected health , Which he before could not procure , by phisicke , friends , nor wealth . So I perceiving wholesome precepts , fitting for the minde , Neglected , and fault-finders workes , to purchase naught but winde . All that which good men ought to practise , I forbid them flat , And all which country clownage counteth currant , I bid that . That so , whereas throughout my booke . I still forbid the good , The contrarie I meane , the bad I would have vnderstood . Perhaps while some with greedie minde , my iesting rimes doth view , He shall behold of his owne life , a looking-glasse most true . And blushing , of his owne accord , when no man doth him see , Will spie his faults , and mend them all , and give some thanks to mee . But by the way , thou which within this glasse dost thus behold Thine owne disordred manners , and thy life , be not so bold , As to finde fault with me thy friend , or with my little booke , Which vpon thee , as vpon all , with selfe-same eyes doth looke . If any will assume these faults as theirs , at the first view , Know they that they confesse themselves some of the rusticke crew . Wherefore , vnlesse he purpose to proclaime himselfe a clowne , All anger lately taken vp , I wish him to lay downe . Perhaps some severe Catonist will this my booke accuse , Because I good behaviour , by contraries abuse . And say that I in common sence , have made a grievous breach , Who those things , which to do t' is sinne , have thus presum'd to teach . And I confesse , within my booke there are bad precepts store , And I may seeme to spurre a horse , which ranne too fast before . But those which looke into the worlds bad nature with good eyes , I thinke concerning this my booke , will iudge farre otherwise . And finde that in this booke of mine , no hurt at all doth lurke , But that a man without much danger , may pervse this worke . For clownish customes long ago , have made our mindes so bad , That to our ill behaviours we can no worser adde . We neede not have a master then , to make vs sinne the more , For we without a guide , of vice can quickly get great store . Men sinne most willingly , and for their hainous faults seeke praise , And have such persons as will still , to skies their vices raise . Whatse're I write , in other men I often have it seene , From things oft done , the subiect of my booke deriv'd hath beene . Those faults , which ere I thought to write , in other men were knowne : How can you iustly say , that I devisde them of mine owne ? Or by what meanes should this my booke , make any to be bad , Vnlesse before from vertues paths , their mindes declined had ? Wherefore I guiltlesse am of this , that I should now devise , Or set new found rusticitie , before the readers eyes . If none I profite , ( as God knowes , ) I meane to profite many , Yet sure I know that this my booke can bring no hurt to any . And now at length ( my good friend Bing , ) whose favour I esteeme , Thou which the chiefe of all my friendes , at all my neede hast beene ; Respect these youthfull verses , fruits of an vntamed braine , And let your favour these my lines , with wonted love maintaine . Be ready now to take tuition of my booke and me , And let my verse be patroniz'd , vnder the name of thee . Gainst all the poisned tongues of those , that would my booke defame , Defend these trifling toyes of mine , vnder thy worthie name . In briefe , this booke with all his faults , I dedicate to thee , That by thy hand from after-claps , it may defended bee . If aught I have , ( as sure I have ) let passe in this my booke , Supply the wants I you desire , as over it you looke . If any thing in this my worke , be added more then should , Correct it for its masters sake , for so full faine I would . And so I being well perswaded , of your strength and might , Commit this scepter to your hand , which is your owne by right . And furthermore , vnto your lawes , all such I do subiect , Which this my perfect worke , of old Simplicitie respect . Behold your mightie empire stretcheth over sea and land , And in all kingdomes of the earth , your kingdome hath command . For this great gift , what benefit can you repay to mee ? Let me be thine , and thou be mine , that 's all I aske of thee . Keepe me thy friend , and with the favour which thou hast begunne , Pursue me , and my heart to thee for ever thou hast wonne . Behold thy friend , whom if thou lov'st , as of him lov'd thou art , Thou maist command to do thee good , himselfe , his goods , his heart . And if the gods respect my thoughts , I hope ere long , to send A greater matter than this trifle , for thee to defend . Meane time , because thou of thy selfe , deservest to live ever , The gods preserve thee from all harme , and grant thee to die never .

❧ A Table of the contents of every Chapter in this Booke . OF modesty to be observed in the morning , in the apparell , the haire , and making cleane of the face and teeth . folio 2 The breakfast , and ordering the body and lookes 4 Of waiting at the table . 9 Behaviour at the table before meate . 13 Of manners in eating . 16 Concerning manners after dinner . 21 The adorning of the table before supper , and other dueties . 26 Of waiting at the table in supper time . 30 Of the vsage of the guests after supper . 35 Concerning the talking , debating , and wrangling of the guests . 38 Of sending away the guests , and what is requisite to be done before you go to bed . 42

The second Booke . HOW to prepare himselfe being invited of an other . 47 Of behaviour in eating . 52 Behaviour at the table after the first course . 55 As concerning other precepts of modestie in eating and drinking . 50 Of devouring , laughing , vomiting at the table , and other such like civilities to be observed . 63 Of washing the handes after supper , second courses , and how to behave your selfe in the company of maides . 67 Concerning exclaiming after supper , goeing out , and bargaining for the next nights supper . 71 How going drunke home you shoulde behave your selfe in the way homeward , after sleepe , and the day after . 76 How to entertaine , vse , and send away your guests . 89

The third Booke . BEhaviour at an honest feast in eating brewesse and crab-fish . 87 Of daintinesse of drinke , and behaviour when you departe . 91 Of scoffes , farting , hawking , aunswering to a demaunde , and looking into other mennes letters . 95 Of behavior in other mens houses , diverse-colored parted coates , the adorning of the beard , the vse of papers and bookes , entertaining friends , and other such like civilities . 99 Examples of civilitie at the table . 105 Of emptying the bladder , vomiting , and other such like elegancies of behaviour . 112 Of belching , holding his vrine , and such like rudenesse . 121 Grobiana , concerning the behavior of maides . 126

¶ The Author to such as love Civilitie , health : Give place time-scourging Aristotle , vice-controuling Plato , Yeeld learned Tully , deepe Erasmus , and fault-finding Cato : And you which by your tedious works , though to your mickle paine , Did teach behaviours perfect meanes , and manners to attaine . This Booke , which from a new found Schoole of late time did arise , Behaviours pure simplicitie within it doth comprise : Then yong and olde that doe desire nurture and education , Peruse this Booke each day and houre , with great deliberation .

THE FIRST BOOKE OF antient Simplicitie of Behaviour . Written by M. Fredericke Dedekinde . IF thou desire an antient , harmelesse , simple life to lead , And in old , homely , clownish plow-mens perfit steps to tread : Come hither , and vnto my verse lend thine attentive eare , It may be for thy private vse , some profit thou maist heare . Pervse it through , and it no doubt , a way to thee will tell , How to conforme thy manners so , as thou maist live right well : Doubt not a single simple man , thou certainely shalt be , If thou with good advise doost marke , the things thou learn'st of me . Too hard and intricate a thing it is , and farre from ease , So strictly to behave thy selfe , as all men thou maist please : Those I commend , which scorne to suffer every paltry foole To weigh their words , and iudge their deedes , as Maister of a Schoole . And those which scorn a masters check , and think their own deeds good , Are right true Troyans , gallant souldiers , brave men by the Rood : Pine-girted Silvane , country god , thou art most welcome hither , Concerning country customes , let vs two conferre together . The praise of rude simplicitie , in country swaines wee 'le sing , Of all my thoughts , of all my words , O Silvane thou art king : You mountaine-treading gods in woods and fields , I you request , Declare to me , for country-men , the life that you thinke best . Old Bacchus father , god of wine , best knowne to drunken crew , The perfect way of quaffing right , set downe before my view : And thou which of the gut wert wont iolly governour to be , Further me , if I chance to handle all thy rights and thee . And thou neate god Rusticitie , the greatest of our time , Be present heere , and set thy hands to this my Rusticke rime : T' is no small thing in perfect sort , good manners thus to frame , Great men , good schollers , have beene oft times troubled with the same . Yet by the helpe of all those gods and goddesses I le try , To passe the tedious laborinth , of this simplicitie : O helpe ( friend Bing . ) judge of this cause , your aide heerein I aske , For trusting to your helpe and aide , I vnder-go this taske . If then my Muse with cheerefull lookes , you kindely do revive , My vaine will be more plentifull , my verse will better thrive .

What modestie is to be observed each morning in the apparell , and making the haire , the face , and the teeth cleane . Chapter . I. WHose're thou art that hat'st at heart a Masters crabbed charge , Which reades a Lecture every day of gravitie at large : Harke hither , come and heare this man , a man of quiet speech , No thunder-thumping Catonist , you neede him not beseech . My speech is brode , be rul'd , and then I le do the best I can , Be rudible , and sure I thinke you 'le prove a learned man : Be but a carefull and : for and scholler vnto me , And then you 'le soone excell your Master in simplicitie . What though some crabbed wittall do not like my precepts well , Yet they can never hurte you , if you marke all that I tell . When Morpheus drowsie god of sleepe , from bed doth thee dismisse , ( Which must be iust at dinner time , for so my counsell is : ) Thy parents blessing never aske , learne that good point of me , This is a rule and perfect note , of great civilitie . Good morrow nor good even to friend nor foe impart too fast : If they beginne , repay no thanks , walke on , you are in haste : What though you both should vse , to both you know t' would be but vaine , Then loose no words , for good words past , cannot be cal'd againe . Let fond Hebritians which account , their superstition wealth , Salute their friends , pray for their foes , and aske them of their health : T' is vaine to have so great a care , of such superfluous things , This too much care to iocond youth , white haires and sorrow brings . When you are vp , to stretch your selfe , deserveth mickle praise ; This is prescrib'd by all that practise phisicke in our daies : For when your sinews numb'd with sleepe , cannot performe their worke , This stretching drives away all numbnesse , which in them did lurke . Being out of bed , let it suffice , to clothe thee in thy shurt , To stay to put on all thy clothes , with colde thou mightst thee hurt : All thy apparrell else get vp forth-with vnder thine arme , Then to the chimney corner runne , for there thou maist it warme . What though a maide or married wife , be there before thou come , Go forward with thy purpose though , as thou wouldst erst have done . If any man obiect to thee , that manners thou doost lacke , Bid him if he mislike that sight , be gone and shew his backe . Let every man give place to thee , thy selfe give place to none , What man ? why Nature made thee free , then boldely hold thine owne . At length , when thou art well araide , let both thy hose hang downe About thy heeles , this onely thing will get thee great renowne : For by this secret meanes , the maides will seeke thy love to have , And every wench thee for her husband , of her friends will crave . Your reason sir . O sir , there is a speciall reason why , I cannot stay to tell it now , I le tell it by and by . Simplicitie commands , that you forget to trusse your pointes , Hard tying is an enimie to bellie and to ioynts . Lest some men say , you are too hansome , ne're combe your haire , As Nature sets it , and bed leaves it , vse it so to weare : Leave plaited haires , and curled lockes , vnto the female sex , And let them vse to combe their haire , whom cruell love doth vex . Beleeve me , not a wench vnto thee will affection beare , If she perceive that thou observ'st such nicenesse in thy haire : Who can abide yong men that dresse themselves as female crew , A Creetish dame writ to an Amazonian lover true : T is praise and credite to have feathers store vpon your head , For thereby men may well perceive , you scorne straw in your bed . In any case cut not your haire , but let it hang at length , For t' will both keepe away the colde , and argue Sampsons strength . When father Saturne rulde the world , all men did vse long haire , And gloried in it , though now wenches vse it most to weare : Fore-fathers plaine simplicitie , is prais'd in every place , Then let not vs disdaine to vse it , it is no disgrace . Thy face and hands too oft to wash , is cause of mickle hurt , Therefore ( a Gods name ) let them both , have ever store of durt : Let other men , that with hands , have care to wash them cleane ; But as for washing of my hands , to take no care I meane . Some nice-controuling mate , will counsell thee to wash thy teeth ; But I say water in the mouth , not with the health agreeth : What though your teeth through o're-much rust , are dide to a red hue ? That is a perfect saffron colour , t' will much credite you . What other colour then this red , hath the bright glittering gold , For which prossessions , tenements , lands , lives , and all are sold ? Then thinke not , that golds perfect colour , doth your teeth disgrace , That colour which in few mens purses , in your teeth hath place .

The breakefast , the modestie of the eyes , the forehead and the nosthrills : also of pratling , sneezing , bawdinesse , belching and going , and behaviour in the streetes . Chapter II. WHen your are vp , before that sleepe hath fully left your eyes , Call for you breakefast presently , marke that in any wise . Which being got , incontinent , with both hands gripe it round , Lest if you take not sure fast hold , it slip vpon the ground , At breakefast never vse a trencher , wherefore serves your hand ? At dinner time t' is farre more meete vpon such pointes to stand . In any case see that the fat runne downe thy fingers thicke , Which with your tongue as downe it runnes , you alwaies ought to licke . As for a ready way at meate , your dinner to devoure , I cannot tell you yet , but you shall heare within this houre . For first I must instruct you how , your bodie for to frame , And all your lookes in fittest sort , then briefly of the same . And first in any case take heede , of too much modestie , For that doth very much abhorre ; from true simplicitie . I st not a foolish thing , that yong hot bloods should be so nice , You will be callde a ledden slouthfull fellow of the wise . I will that all men with turnde lookes , you vse for to behold , For if you looke men in the face , they 'le say you are too bold . T is not allowed that tender youth , such gravitie should vse , Wherefore with distort eyes and forehead , every man abuse . Let such as learne at vertues schoole , and purpose to be wise , And seeke to live by others praises , care for bashfull eyes . But as for you , we give you leave , each way to rowle your eye , Then vse it , for it is a marke of great simplicitie . T is not amisse though store of wrinckles , do thy forehead plow , And though your face be full of furrowes , we will it allow . T is like a plowing heifers face , that many a blow of might Hath borne ; or like a savage beast , which gainst a man doth fight : Even so a valiant gentleman , his countenance should frame , Which hopes by stratagems in fight , to get renowne and fame . For all those hidden vertues , which mans minde do decke and grace . Are with a lively portraiture , prefigurd in the face . To no man speake , but with such wordes , as may him halfe affright , For if thou doost , as by a foole , by thee they 'le set but light . Wherefore with might and maine , prevent such ill report alwaies , ( And yet I 'de with you never try , the meanes to get true praise . ) The proper vse of every tongue , is for to talke apace , Then let your tongue like a mill-clacke go fast in every place . It is a custome in some countries , at each nosthrills ends , To hang great jems and pretious stones , such as rich India sends . Hath Fortune in these pretious jems , denyde to thee a part ? Take courage though , and heare a friend , that loves thee at his heart , As ice sikles in winter time , which hang on houses hie Doe grace the roofes , and shew full faire to him that passeth by ; So snot , which from the nostrils both , like bel-ropes hangeth downe , Doth grace a youth , which doth professe himselfe a simple clowne . Nature the maker of all things , to decke thy life the more , Hath lent thee , of such ornaments , a most aboundant store : Wherefore , as in all things besides , so in this , keepe this meane , When store of snot is in thy mouth , thy nose then make thou cleane : Do this , but closely now and then , and sure I thinke , than thee No man deserveth greater praise , for his civilitie . If when thou lackst an handkerchiefe , thou vse thy cloake or hat To blow thy nose , thou wilt be knowne a perfect clowne by that : Or fill thy hand top full with snot , and cast it on the ground . It is a very seemely thing to heare the same resound , And let it lie : What neede you care ? I charge you stirre it not , And let them treade it out , that say you have not store of snot . I sawe a custome in a country where I lately was , Where hung with cordes vpon their sleeves a little pretty glasse : You may ( if so it please you ) take example from that towne , And see your picture in your snot , as it hangs dangling downe . And lest you should lacke change of manners , fetch sighs now & then , And rattle in the nose , this gesture pleaseth many men : To fetch great blasts of breath together , argues that you can Blowe downe whole townes , and all will say , Oh , hee 's a valiant man . When you would sneeze , strait turne your selfe vnto your neibors face : As for my part , wherein to sneeze , I know no fitter place ; It is an order , when you sneeze , good men will pray for you : Marke him that doth so , for I thinke he is your friend most true . And that your friend may know who sneezes , and may for you pray , Be sure you not forget to sneeze full in his face alway . But when thou hearst another sneeze , although he be thy father , Say not , God blesse him , but , Choake vp , or some such matter , rather . Never be shamefast , never blush for any fault that s past , Let them do so which , sory , say , This fault shall be the last . What though thou speake vnseemely words , yet know it is not good To have thy face and cheekes looke red , as they were dide with blood . What though of bawdie beastly words , thou learnst to speake great store , Why t is a shame that from a childe , thou didst not so before . To give each thing that proper name , which it of Nature had , Is neither in the law of God , nor man , accounted bad . The reason-wanting multitude , do thinke those things are base , Which nature in her secret wisedome , made mankinde to grace . I would not have you from the common speech depart so farre , As against Nature our best guide , vnwisely to wage warre . All that which in thy bladder and thy belly lieth hid , To empty whenas thou hast neede , what man will thee forbid ? Crabbed precise fault-finders , only will not speake each word , Thinking it is by proper names , to call each thing absurd . What kinde of men are these ? true reason soone will prove them mad , Which will not speake the words , but do the deedes , which is as bad . If any man do tell you newes , which ne're before you heard , And presently with ready words , you can him not reward , Then t is a great decorum , your wide mouth forthwith to stretch , And so stand still , as though some harmelesse flies you meant to catch . If that he tell a ieast , which worth your laughter you suppose , ( But laugh not at each trifling thing , ) then laugh so lowde that those Which do about their owne affaires , walke over-thwart the streete , May tell you that you laugh full lowde , when next they do you meete . And if by laughing your red teeth , some pretty wench espy , Because that colour is the best , shee 'le love you presently . And if you see shee likes you well , then laugh afresh againe , This is of rude simplicitie , an argument most plaine . It is a very prettie thing , when you by laughing much , Do make your mouth by distorture , your very eares to tutch . Sometimes though no man give you cause , laugh as lowd as you can , For this is a most speciall signe , of a praise-worthy man . Oft times you shall espy some sober man with lookes most grimme , Which will be angry , thinking that you laugh at none but him . And this will be exceeding good , and make you laugh the more , To see a fellow collericke , knowing no cause wherefore . If now and then you meane to lie , ( as who would tell the truth ? ) Betweene each word cough once or twise , this is a tricke of youth . Are not your words in readinesse , according to your minde ? Then cough a while , and by this meanes , perhaps you them may finde . Tut , doubt not man none can perceive whether you cough or no , It is great cunning , what is true , and what is false to know . When you have neede to cough indeede , you know this tricke of old , To cough into your neighbours face , you well may be so bold . Let him take halfe the breath , which from thy winde-pipe thou hast got , T' wil serve him for a cooler well , if that he be too hot . If he take that in ill part , which thou gav'st to him in good , What neede you care ? his force is weake , it well may be withstood . Whatsoe're thou didst , thou 'lt answer it , where , when and how he can ; Thus thou by great out-braving words , must prove thy selfe a man . Tell him , within his currish heart , anger hath set her rest , If that he cannot take that well , which thou didst meane in iest ; What would he do ( trow , ) if he were not , as thou art , a man ? Which no such little trifling iest , with patience suffer can . Or bid him , if he thinke thy breath could do him any ill , That presently for full revenge , he would thy heart blood spill . When thou hast neede to belch , ne're hold it , freely let it out , Dissemble not , it will not stay , helpe it away you lowt . T is hard to hold it without hurt , if that it seeke a vent , Then let those blasts from forth thy stomacke sayle , be freely sent . They le breede diseases infinite , in head , and every part , As stinking breath which doth infect , and the vnsavory fart . Therefore , to shunne all hurtes and harmes , which thereof soone would breede , Be not too coy , but belch thy fill , whensoe're thou hast neede , If thou desire at any time to walke into the streete , That all thy hat with dirt and dust besprinkled it is meete . He that regardeth cleanelinesse , which onely women vse , At him let all men mocke and scoffe , let all men him abuse . What though thy shooes be doubde with dirt : to make them cleane t is vaine , For why you know , do what you can , they must be fowlde againe . A long gowne weare , which all the ground may sweepe as thou doost go , For so no man the place whereon thou troddest well can know . The dirt which on thy hem thou getst , as thou doost walke along , Will make the lowe welt of thy Gowne seeme to be very strong : And if a man espy the durt , when he is farre remote , Hee 'le thinke you weare a very rich embroydred garded cote ; Cloth made by silke-wormes paineful Art , from Scythia land doth come : Some strangers give to deerest friends , to others they sell some ; A man would think , that with this cloth , your gowne were garded thick , If on the hemme , a great way off , he should see dry durt sticke ; Or if you like not these long gownes ( as oftentimes we see As many men , so many mindes and manners there will be ) Weare a short coate , which scarce will keepe your buttockes out of sight , Like Noble men , and those which doe reioyce in martiall fight ; Olde sage Erasmus counsaile t is , Regarde not thine attire . ( The precept of so grave a man , who will not much admire ? ) Doe as he bids thee then , regarde not how thy garments sit , Whether they be too little , or too bigge , or very fit . Let both thy hands behinde thy backe together alwayes meete ; Whether thou sit , or stand , or walke , in citty , or in streete . But lest my Lecture seeme too tedious for the multitude , This Exercise in three short wordes I purpose to conclude : Thus I would have thee frame thy life and deedes in any case : Let this thy manners and behaviour be in every place , That he which sees the good behaviour , which thou learnst of me , May know thou arte an expert Scholler , in Simplicitie .

The setting on , and taking off the meate , and waiting at the Table . Chap. III. BEhold ; the boy hath layde the cloth , and on the Table put Those cates , which Cookery provides , to fill mans hungry gut : You 're glad of that , that you such dainty dishes shall oresee , As with your rav'nous empty stomacke very well agree . But soft sir , first vpon your Maisters trencher you must waite ; And afterward , when he hath dinde , you shall be served strait : And yet too ready never be vnto your Maisters hand , Vnlesse your helpe , by word of mouth , he twice or thrice command . And now sit , your behaviour fit I will lay foorth at large ; Your onely duetie is ( as you were wont ) to marke my charge , You cannot say my precepts are too subtile for your reach , And therefore doubt , I shall not learne , the things which I shall teach My muse is rusticke , and my Muse is easie , homely , plaine , Which being perfectly attainde , can ne're be lost againe . Whether your service be at home , or out of doores extend : Whether you serve your maister onely , or your maisters friend , Your methode and your maners eke , must be the selfe same ever . And all which you have done before , must be forgotten never . At dinner when you meane to wait , lay by your clothes all , So shall you be the lighter for to come at every call . Have on your hose whenas you wait on them that are at meate ; But let your breast be naked , to be seene of them that eate , That so your bodies slendernesse the strangers may perceave , And give you praise , which none but fooles & mad men ought to leave . But if , the weather being colde , apparell you doe weare , The same to button , tie , or trusse , be sure that you forbeare . As for those partes which we are bound to hide by natures bandes . My counsell is , that all them partes thou cover with thy hands ; So modest Matrons and wilde wenches thou shalt please I know , And shalt thy selfe a prety stripling vnto all men show . I like not those , which when they wait , must stand on both their feete , And carefull be , that as they stand , their legges may alwayes meete . To vse the right foote and the left by turnes I holde it best : For so , while that you vse the one , the other legge may rest . But if my counsaile you will take , ne're stand on both togither ; For that which wanteth rest and ease , must needes wax weake and lither . A nimble , stirring , hobling pase in yong men I like best : The scabs , the gowt , and such diseases breed , by too much rest . Good Smiths do hobble with their feete , as they their bellowes blowe . Then since good trades doe it allow , why shouldst not thou doe so ? Marke that which most men vse to doe , and scorne to learne of none ; But good behaviour , and perfection get of every one . Be sure , that wheresoe're you wayt , your fingers never stand , But still be fumbling , t is a credite , not to hold your hand . Praise comes to them by due desert , which something do alwayes : But slouthfulnesse is a great let to him that seeketh praise : Wherefore be sure in both thy hands , thou alwayes something have , Lest such as finde thee doing nothing , call thee idle knave . In right hand hold thy trencher still , and let thy left hand hold Thy breeches , lest they slipping downe , thou chance to catch some cold ; Though thou doost nothing else , yet let thy finger scratch thine eare , Or with thy left hand lay at length , thy knotty tangled haire : Or turne thy hat vpon thy finger , or , among the rest , Finde out some pretty pleasing sport , that fits thy humour best . Or if you would be thought a learned Poet of your friends , Then licke and gnawe with tong and teeth , your nailes and fingers ends ; They vse this action , whome , for thoughts aspiring men admire : And so doe they which Hymnes doe say , in god Apolloes quire . Or set your armes vp by your side , like to a man of might , And frowne , and by your very lookes , thei le thinke you meane to fight . Doe nothing that is fit or meete , vnlesse they you constraine : For if you do , nor praise , nor price , you le get , you worke in vaine . If you perceive a man ill nurturde , marke him presently ; His going , sitting , standing , deedes , marke with a carefull eie . Marke how he eates and drinkes , and how his hands he placeth best ; And if out of his life and maners , you can picke some jeast That s worth the laughing , that s enough , deride him presently . Be not ashamde , but laugh so long , till that you seeme to cry : And from thy wit , of his behaviour , let some quips arise : It may be , when he sees his faults , hee 'le learne to be more wise And when thy maister shall have greatest store of merry guests ; Then from thy biting budget bring most store of pleasant jeasts : And this will be an argument of thine exceeding wit . If each mans sundry humour , thou with biting jeasts canst fit . Perchaunce at length for second course , some rowme must needes be made ; Then learne this tricke , a point most fit , for this thy serving trade : Art thou an hungry ? on a trencher some good bit , lay by , That is a waiters proper fee , no man will it deny : Thou hast a leather sachell , to what purpose boughtst thou it ? But now and then , for thine owne vse , to keepe a friendly bit . What though perchance some man espie thy sachell in thy sleeve ; Take a good courage though , and let not that thy conscience grieve . But if perchance for this thy tricke , he give thee some reproofe , Have something still which thou maist freely say for thy behoofe . What sir , when other strangers have their bellies full , at least I st any reason that I should goe empty from the feast ? What can he say when this he heares ? perforce hee 'le surely yeelde . Then courage man , for sure from him thou 'lt quickely winne the field . If thou setst on a dainty dish of creame filld to the brimme , Make bread , and meate , and salt , and all , in curds and creame to swimme . When all is gone , and for a voider they doe call to thee , Learne this good point of manners and behaviour of me ; Get from thy maisters sight ; and lest with worke thy bones should ake , Thou setst all on for his , let him remoove all for thy sake : Say you have waited long enough , and are ev'n starv'd for meate . And it s a hard case , if that now you may not freely eate . But if at length with thundring words , your maister call his man ; Returne , but with as slow a pase , as possible you can : Haste maketh waste , and he which runneth , oft doth catch a fall , When he which goes a sober pase , doth surely best of all . And when you come , out of its order every dish remove , When all the sweetest bittes are gone , what man would order love ? Take all at once , a weary man ought not to stand all day . What foole will goe about , when he can goe a neerer way ? What though perhaps out of your hands , the meate doe chance to fall ? Tush , a small matter , care not for it , t is no fault at all . In trueth , the platters were so heavy , they weighd downe mine arme , If that I had not let them fall , I should have caught some harme : If that a stronger man than I , had felt the weight of all , I doe not thinke but that he also , would have let them fall : And if your maister greet you not , with , Take them vp I pray : First looke vpon them a good while , and then depart away . And laugh , as though you did reioyce in doing of the same . And for that fault , it s tenne to one , that no man will you blame . But if your maister , with a frowne , bid you remove them thence ; Looke sadly , and hee 'le thinke that you are sorie for th' offence : If all at once you cannot take , t is good to let some lie , And after you have placde the other , fetch them presently : I thinke not one of all the guests will judge your fault so great , As for the spilling a few scraps , your maister should you beate . Nay rather , in a merrie vaine , thei 'le laugh and jeast at thee , Which proov'st thy selfe a perfect Scholler in Simplicitie .

Concerning the behaviour at the Table , before meate be set on . Chap. IIII. HArke how thy hunger-pining panch for meate doth crie and rore , And yet to comfort it with foode , whie hastest thou no more ? Make haste , make haste , and now at length , after thy fast so great , Prepare thy selfe most speedily to give thy bellie meate . If anie great impediment forbids thee to proceede , As points , or girdle , thou wert best to loose them all with speede : Although if thou remove all lets , thou wilt be thought vnkinde , Thy doublet thou maist well vnbutton , when thou hast halfe dinde . T is vaine with water ( which cannot be cleane ) to wash thy hands : How often into cleerest ponds are clods throwne from the lands ? If water which should cleanse our hands , have lumps of durt in it : Then surely from our hands it cannot wash the durt a whit . Thy nailes ne're cut , but let them grow , it is a comely sight : Hawks with long nailes do catch their meate ; yet Lords in them delight : Or if thou needes wilt cut thy nailes , cut them as thou doost dine , Betweene the first and second course , for then thou hast good time . If any gentleman , at dinner with thee chance to sit , Be sure to get the highest roome , that s for thy credite fit . If any man chance to presume , to bid thee leave that place , Yet sit thou still , for if thou rise , t will be a great disgrace . For when a man is plac'd aloft , according to his vse , Vnto a worse place to be thrust , it is a great abuse . What reason hast thou for to shew , thou hast so base a minde , As when thou hast a place before , thou wilt be thrust behinde ? Had we not all one father Adam , and one mother Eve ? Shall earth and ashes thrust thee downe ? at that who would not grieve ? Whenas our Grandsire Adam dig'd , and Grandam Eve span , Who then I pray amongst vs all , was the best gentleman ? Whenas you come too late to dinner , and a stoole you lacke , ( Stand not in any case , for too much standing hurtes your backe . ) By head and shoulders , from his place , thrust out some simple foole , If to his elder , and his better , hee 'le not yeelde his stoole . Perchance your knife is fowle , with bread which yesterday it cut , Or in some other dirtie place , perhaps it hath beene put . This fault your shoo will quickely mend , if you no whetstone have , For whet it on your shoo-sole well , and it will shine most brave . If any man do marvaile , that you vse so plaine a way , Tell him , that you have vsde that custome many a summers day . If when you are sharpe set to dine , you nothing have to eate , And for your hungry bellie , you can get no store of meate ; Because the Cooke is somewhat long , before he will you serve , If that you thinke , vnlesse you eate forthwith , you strait shall sterve : Be angry strait , for why you have good cause , stampe , stare , and fume , How dare they on thy patience , base pesants , thus presume ? Aske thou thy meate with angrie lookes , with choller , and with heate , And if they will not bring it thee , cry still out , meate , meate , meate . But if they still deny to come , with angry forehead say , That thou wilt beate them everie one , if that they thus delay . Perhaps at length the meate is readie , and they onely tarrie For one , which should the meate from thence , vnto the table carrie . Then sit thou still , stirre not a foote , t is better farre to sterve , Then like a paltry blew-cote knave ( that 's base ) thy selfe to serve . Let no man , had he Tullies wit , make thee such follie vse , What ? serve thy selfe ? thou never canst thine honour more abuse . Meane time be casting with thy selfe , which way the time to spend , Beware on idlenes , on which all vices do attend . Hath the scabd-dogge , with tickling itching all thy bodie bit ? Thou maist have meanes to spend thy time , by over-looking it . Scratch off the scabs with busie fingers , that is verie good , For so of putrefaction , thou maist let out a flood : Or as our Mettall-mongers do , with their industrious paines , By digging mountaines , rob the earth , of her rich mettall vaines . So with thy knife , from out thy body scabs thou maist dig store , And seeke diseases which do lacke , in every hidden pore . Then with your vnwasht knife to cut your meate , can breede no hurt , Nor wash your hands , you know that water cannot scowre off durt . T is common for yong men , to have great store of lustie lice . Their names declare their forme , they have six feete , be not so nice . If that your flesh doth suffer any hurt by their sharpe teeth , Deferre no whit their punishment , that with your health agreeth . But with a courage from your head , strait pull them by the taile , And for their treason , strait behead them , with your thumbs sharpe nail From forth your bosome take them quicke , vnto their great disgrace , And on the table valiantly , their captive bodies place . T' will be a prettie sight to see , how fast thei 'le run away , To save themselves , and all their kinne , from that most bloodie day . Though all things faile thee else , yet sure thou shalt finde trenchers strong , To help to drive away the time , which thou dost think so long . O'relooke them well on every side , each corner , and each end , And if they are not , as they should be , helpe their faults to mend . The Trencher-maker in his worke , doth often make great waste , Whenas he cannot stay , to finifie each part for haste . Thou which hast time enough , correct those faults in any wise , With thy sharpe knife , which seeme not hansome in thy curious eyes . And when thou hast corrected , of each trencher everie whit , Thy Master cannot choose , but praise thy labour and thy wit . The table-cloth , with pin or knife , to pricke , or cut , beginne , No reasonable man I trow , will say this is a sinne . For let the foole your Master know , that he did cause this deede , In keeping such bad Cookes , as would not give you meate with speede . T' will make him charge his Cookes , that at the first call they you serve , And not to let his servants , to sit without meate and sterve . Perhaps a salt-seller stands by , t is good with that to play , And strike it with your knife , t' will serve to drive the time away . This by two sundry profits , sure will stand thee in great steed , For first the noise will make the Cookes , remember thee to feed . And secondly , vnto thine eares , a pretty sound t' will send , Wherefore , above all other trickes , this one I do commend . If that your master , or your father , leave his knife behinde , For their sakes vse it favourably , never be vnkinde . With stones , or wood , or keyes , be sure you make it blunt and dull , Lest that it cut too fast as from their sheathes they do it pull . So when their knife dooth cut their hands , in carving out a messe , By that good meanes which you foresaw , their wound will be the lesse . In briefe , if that you had almost forgot your points to loose , And now you have such suddaine haste , you cannot will , nor choose , And that you feare your breeches shall partake your heavie waight , And all the house you shall perfume , if you depart not straight . Then rise , and if your fellow needes will know whither you went , Tell him , to thrust away a knave , that would not pay his rent . So come againe , and without washing either hands or face , As soone as may be , ( as I told you , ) get the vpper place . Perchance if you in washing of your hands , had staied long , The knaves would soone have parted all your part themselves among .

Your behaviour all the while you eate . Chapter V. WHen you are set with pottage , first your stomacke is vnlockt , Because , before all other meates , you may that best concoct . And now forsooth you lacke a spoone , yet hardely can abstaine , Why then to sup it vp with mouth and lips , you must be faine : Aske but of Nature , our deare mother , and shee 'le lend thee soone , A paire of lips , which thou maist vse , better then scoupe or spoone . Diogenes did scorne a spoone , but from a fountaine cleere . Did drinke as well out of his hand , as we from pots of beere . And sure he had no other cause , the spoone for to despise , But that he saw his ancesters , do so before his eyes . When as the meate is all set downe , according to thy wish , See that thy right hand wrest and all , be first in every dish . And if there be a daintie bit , t is good to snatch it strait , Lest that another for the same , do craftilie lay wait . If thou be wise , observe this course and custome evermore , So for thy bellie , daintie bits , thou ever shalt have store . If that some envious man , do seeme for to repine at this , Love others well , but thy selfe better , say the proverbe is , Perchance vpon the platters furthest side , there lies a bit , Which thou doost verie much desire , but canst not reach to it . And if thou sit by no such friend , as strait will helpe thee to it , By stretching out thy limbes vpon the table , thou maist do it , If any seeme offended with thee , tell them t is the fashion , To set the best meate , to the best men of the congregation . Now sir , t is a more seemely tricke , to turne the platter round , That by that meanes , the daintie bits may on your side be found . The turning of the platter round , in this sort it is best To hide , and cloake , and in my minde it is a prettie iest . After this sort , all starres , and the celestiall bodies move , Which daily motion , and perpetuall stirring ever love . Then bid your neighbour speake of plants , so your talke to quite , He smiling hits you on the eare , yo' are planet-strucken right . Whenas your friend doth on your trencher , daintie wilde-fowle lay , Strait cover it with both your hands , for feare it flie away . And though your neighbour ne're so much , vpon you do bestow , Yet keepe it all within your clutches , let not one bit go . It is no profit for to give thy neighbour any part , Of those good bits , which thou thy selfe doost love with all thy heart . And as for him which gave it you , his kindnes ne'recommend , Although he be a man of worship , and your very friend ; Tell him , you were of age enough , your selfe with cares to fit , Although from off his trencher he had reachd you ne're a bit . After that you have twice or thrice thus answerd everie friend , No man from off his trencher dainties vnto you will send ; And so heereafter for your selfe , you where you will may out , And out of everie daintie dish , choose bits for your owne gut . On everie side of everie dish , be sure you taste and trie , And that which pleaseth not your minde , for others let it lie : False obiects oftentimes deceive this mortall sight of our , And that which beares the sweetest shew , in taste is often sowre : Wherefore my counsell is , that in thy mouth thou taste aright , That which doth make so faire a shew , vnto the outward sight . If that it hath a pleasant taste , and like your pallate well , What then you ought to doe therewith , I hope I neede not tell . But if the taste which you expected , fit not to your minde ; Then take my counsell , for in it great profit thou shalt finde : Into the platter with an angry looke you may it cast , There is no sense that you should eate that meate you cannot taste : Or keepe it , and the best thereof in cleanely sort gnaw round ; For doing this , as I suppose , no fault can well be found . For whie , with tooth and naile , to bite , and scratch , and gnaw your meate , Is both a seemelie thing , and also bringeth profite great : For by this meanes , you spare your knife , which else might loose his edge , If in your meate there should be bones . O Wisedomes priviledge ? That which thou leav'st , into the platter wilt thou throw ? O wit ! Perchance some other will it take , for a most pleasing bit . Ill men ( as thou art ) ever bare such malice in their hart , That if they have a good thing , thei 'le not give their neighbor part . That which you cannot eate , some greedie got will snatch vp strait , And give you thankes , as if for him you had reserv'd that bait : And that his hungrie paunch at length may well be cramd with meate , That which vpon your trencher lies , most ravenouslie hee 'le eate . But yet I thinke it is a tricke more civill , and more fine , To loade thy neighbours trencher with those scraps that lie on thine . Hee 'le thanke you with a ioyfull heart , for that so royall fare , And saie , he sees ( he thankes you ) that you mindefull of him are ; T' will moove you for to be his friend most faithfull and most kinde , And yet a faithfull friend , in these bad daies is hard to finde : Such meate as thou gav'st to thy friend , when he did none desire , I thinke a ful-filld dog , would scorne to give his hungrie fire . When bisket bread , cimnells , and wine vpon the Table stand , If that thou seest the Butler fills it , with a sparing hand , Hide thou the pot behinde thy backe , and vnto others fill : And vnto no man present give a droppe against thy will . If anie one of them be griev'd which at the Table are , Tell him , t is good that everie man should for himselfe have care . And sir , my counsell is , that you the pot doe next time get , If when you dine abroad , you meane your lippes with wine to wet . Thus , having filld your stomacke with the first course at the boord , If that you thinke the second will some daintie cates affoord , And that you feele your girdle doth your swelling bellie pinch , T is better strait to take it off , than from good meate to flinch : Thinke it no shame , or if thou dar'st not do so , t is thy best , To pull it off though , for thou well maist cloake it with this jest : Neighbour , you have a prettie gerdle , it shews verie fine ; What boote ifaith ? let me see yours , and you shall strait see mine . And by this meanes you may have cause , your gerdle to put off . Whereas if you had not done so , you might have had a scoffe . And if some bits of new gnawne meate , within your mouth doe sticke , Out of the same with hands and nailes , t is maners it to picke ; Within the Crocodiles wide jawes , when jagges of flesh do lie , Some little bird to pull them out , doth help her presently . For while that she her tonguelesse mouth , in widest sorte dooth stretch , Some sharp billd bird from forth hir jawes , the meat for food doth fetch : The seelie bird within the beasts wide jawes doth walke , and feede , And hath no hurt , because her bellie dooth help the beast at neede . But as for thee , thou needst not this , Nature our mother free , Foreseeing this , hath lent both hands and fingers ends to thee , Then with thy fingers search thy mouth , or with a knife , or pinne : Since thou hast such meanes of thine owne , a birds help scorne herein . And if from foorth thy teeth thou bring a bloodie peece of meate , Lest that it should be lost , t is good foorthwith thou shouldst it eate : Or with your vnwipte knife , from foorth the platter take some bit , Which for your almost halfe-filld stomacke you doe thinke most fit . Your gnawne meate on your neighbours trencher smiling you may lay , Vsing these flattring glosing termes , refuse it not I pray . And if that he accept the meate , which from your teeth you drew , T' will stirre vp store of laughter , vnto all that merry crew : And by this meanes all men will saie , your wit is very quicke , And count you for a merrie fellow for this cleanely tricke . Some fooles ( to what intent , who knowes ? ) their knife must needs make cleane , When as to cut a cleanly piece of common bread they meane . Thou foole , whie dost thou wipe the fat vpon the table cloth ? Who ever knew a senslesse foole , to learne good maners loth ? Wert not a thing more pleasing , and more welcome to thy tongue , To wipe it on the common loafe , when thou doost cut along ? Perhaps manie a hungrie man would give thee thankes for that , Which bread and butter loves at heart , and such things as are fat . This tricke , although there be some shew of beastlinesse in it : Yet sure of manie a daintie dish , t' will get thee many a bit , Whenas your hoste some daintie cates vnto the Table sends , Which vnto you your meate and drinke-consuming gut commends , Take thou those jewells from thy nose whereof before I tolde , I meane thy snot , and in thy hollow palme do thou it holde , And craftily into the platter , either cast it all , Or hold it dangling over , so that it may almost fall : And by this meanes the company will straitway loathe their meate , And all the delicates remaining , thou thy selfe maist eate . A man well knowne in everie place , did often doe the same , Who from an Owle joynd to a Glasse did first derive his name . This Owglasse all in everie place , praisde , honoured and admirde ; And to relate his prettie prancks , each merrie man desirde : Wherefore his life , and his behaviour doe not thou refuse , And then no doubt but times to come , thy merrie trickes will vse . Dost thou a meane and end of eating now at length require ? And when to know a readie time to leave doost thou desire ? Leave eating when thy swelling bellie will not let thee speake , And when thou thinkst with one bit more , thy very guts would breake . I should proceede , and yet more precepts for thy dinner tell , But t is too late , and I at supper time may doo 't as well .

Behaviour fit to be observed after dinner , and when you are walking . Chapter VI. NOw having fild your bellie full , with daintie pleasing fare , Be sure that for your owne affaires , you take but little care . The belly fild with daintie meates , can hardely cares indure , For carefull thoughts , are deadly foes , vnto concoction sure . And care doth with diseases , the best bodies oft infect ; Wherefore out of thy mind , all care in any case reiect . If that in summer , you your dinners in the fields do keepe , Be sure that forthwith in a baulke , you frame your selfe to sleepe . There you may lie , vntill you thinke , t is almost time to sup , And then t is time from drowzie sleepe , to rowze your spirits vp . And as you lie , to fart and fiste at pleasure , you have leave , For why you know there s no man by , such trickes for to perceive . If that you finde by triall , that no man a fart can hold , By good experience so to sweare , I thinke you may be bold . If that to lie and sleepe all day , doth not your fancie please , Because your nimble body , alwaies scorned slouthfull ease , Then rise at leisure , and through every streete walke vp and downe , The doing so , will sure procure both profit , and renowne : For by this walking , thou thy meate , the better maist digest ; Among all other rules , Phisitians hold this for the best . As thou didst come to dinner with vnwasht hands , even so My counsell is , that from the same with vnwasht hands thou go . T is better that of daintie meats , thy dirtie hands should smell , Then of that water , which is drawne , from every dirtie well . What though your shooes be thicke with diet ? to purge them it is vaine , For why you know in dirt and dung , they must be fowlde againe . If thou hast cause to vomit , as the streete thou walkst about , All which thou canst not keepe , with wide mouth freely let it out . Nor care thou though great store of people stand about thee round , But all that goes against thy stomacke , cast it on the ground . Grave Anthony the same did do , when many did him see , Yet he was chose in famous Rome , a Consull for to bee . And looke how much worlds mirrour Rome , our small townes doth surpas , So much to be preferd before thee , good Antonius was . That which so great a man as he , durst do in such a place , For thee to do in this small towne , can be no great disgrace . But if this mans example , cannot move thy minde one whit , Yet if I vrge thine owne good health , I know thou 'lt yeelde to it . The learned wise Phisitians , their patients hurt to cure , Prescribe them certaine bitter vomits , which they must indure . Ech month one vomit at the least , or more , they ought to vse , A vomit doth mens lives preserve , you can it not refuse . If in a month , one vomits vse , can drive all hurts away , How long shalt thou live , if thou vomit twice or thrice a day ? If thou hast neede to pisse , as thou doost walke thy friends among , Vnlode thy bladder presently , t is ill to keepe it long . What though some honest Matron , or some chaste maid thee perceave , Yet do not thou in any case , thy former purpose leave . Respect good manners , but respect thy health a great deale more , Care while thou maist , for health once lost , is hard for to restore . Men that are carelesse of themselves , do lose that in one night , For which they 'de give , what not ? poore fooles , if so they get it might . If any cloake , or such like garment on thy shoulders be , What needst thou care which way it hangs , such vaine care cast from thee . Or if you weare a gowne , take heede that not your legs it hides , Lest that it hinder all your pace , your steps , and eke your shides . Cast it behinde with both your hands , that all men so may see , Your perfect bodie , and your limbs , and fore parts what they bee . And that which else your gowne would cover , t is enough to hide It with your doublet , and your breeches , lac'd on every side . Such sights do please old Matrons very well , I tell the trew , And these are very welcome sights , vnto the virgins crew . For then thei le marke your slendernes , and all your nimble ioyntes , And eke how well your bellie is tide , with girdle and with pointes . And then forthwith with love of thee , thei 'le quite be set on fire , Which done , each act will more and more inflame their hot desire . If as you go , some friend or foe , do bid you , sir God speede , I thinke to give him a good answer , there is little neede . First looke him in the face , and marke with what good minde t' was said , And as you like his , sir God speede , so let it be repaid . Thou oughtst to bid no man God speede , vntill that thou hast seene , What his behaviour , and his manners , vnto thee have beene . For why the wandring multitudes good will , thou needes must lacke , If they perceive thou speakst so friendly vnto every jacke . And by this meanes , the name of a light fellow thou wilt have , Which even now wert thought to be a man both wise and grave . And thus thine honour and thy maiestie , will have a fall , If thou by such familiar termes , doost every fellow call . But if perchance some prettie wench , do stand at any doore , Then which , a fairer in thy life , thou never saw'st before . Cast thou vpon her all the cheerefull loookes thou canst devise , Though she be one , whome ne're before , thou didst behold with eyes . Then go strait to her , and in this case lay aside all shame , And with a pleasant smiling looke , demand the virgins name . All that thou thinkst can laughter moove , lay downe before her face , Let nothing seeme vncivill , or vnseemely in this case . Mongst all the things which Nature made in wisedome , for mans vse , Nothing is simply bad , but it from man receives abuse . If nothing but the crabbed mindes of Stoickes , you do tell , She ne're will laugh , such sadnes will not please her fancie well . Despise the sharpe decrees of Catonists , that are severe , And lest you tell her Zenoes statutes , you must have a care . The flattering sect of shameles men , fulfills her fancie fit , And that which currish Cinickes teach , t is good to tell her it . When thou hast tolde her all thy minde , and ript vp all thy heart , And that thou thinkst t is time for thee , now homeward to depart ; Then round about her necke , be sure that thou thine armes do cast , And till that thou hast kist thy fill , be sure thou hold her fast , If she reiect thy gentle offers , and away would go , Then kisse her and embrace her both , whether she will or no. If that she flie , then follow her , and once caught , hold her fast , Though she dissemble for a while , yet sure shee le yeelde at last . And call her mistris sweete hart , love , and speake her very faire , Lest she should thinke , thy protestations are but winde and aire . Let all the yong men of the towne , behold your sport and ieast , That all may say , he is a comely fellow I protest . What other wench so e're you meete , while you do vse this sport , Be sure she taste of the same cup , and vse her in this sort . You can no whit impeach by this , your gravitie and fame ; Nor is there any man , that ought to blame you for the same . If any wench speake to thee first , thanke her not for that deede , But count her light in speaking first , let that be all her meede . What though you count your selfe a praiser of Simplicitie , And by your clownish manners , looke to get some high degree . Yet beare so brave a loftie minde , as all men to despise , And with a frowning scowling looke , on all men cast your eyes . He which doth beare a baser minde , and thoughtes which are so low , Doth seeme his owne perfections , not perfectly to know . And by this meanes , he soone may take vnworthily disgrace , Whereas if he would brave it out , all men would give him place . What every man thinkes of himselfe , that others thinke its meete , And he that will not raise himselfe , may long he vnder feete . Then yeelde to none , but scorne thou all , of none respectfull be , And thinke all places , all degrees , are farre too low for thee . If that you meete a man of worth , whom all the people grace , Whether he be a Magistrate , or Ruler in that place ; Or teach the ruder multitude , to heaven to lift their eyes , Or for some other honest life , he be accounted wise : In any case scorne to looke on him , when your head is bare , But let your cap for feare of cold , cover your head and haire . We all are dust , we all one forme , we all one matter have Both rich and poore shall have alike , whenas they go to grave . The fatall sister Clotho , neither spareth rich nor poore , Since then we all are like , why should some men be honour'd more ? Wherefore , wheresoe're thou art , give none the way , whosoe're he be , Nay , if he stand vpon such points , then make him yeelde to thee . When in a common way , thou with thy friend doost walke the streete , Take thou the right hand both of him , and all that thou doost meete : But if the way bee fowle , then marke this order not a whit , Take thou the cleane as for the durtie , let him go in it . Perchance you have a fart , to send into the world so wide , Which rumbling in your bellie , troubled you on every side ; Then let it forth in every place , and wheresoe're you will ; That which our mother Nature made , I thinke cannot be ill . If any man for doing so , you are a sloven say , In this good sort , his vaine obiections , you well answer may . Foure great diseases will arise , by keeping in your winde , A giddie head , the cholicke , dropsie , and the crampe vnkinde . Phisitians do prescribe this rule , amongst their counsells deepe , A rule , which every man that loves his health , should alwaies keepe . Claudius bids that farts and belches , we should never hold , Lest in presuming on our health , we make our selves too bold . All that which in this point is said , it tendeth to this end , Thy good behaviour for to praise thy bad for to defend . In summer time , whenas the hearbes grow greener every day , With some good talke , the tedious time , t is good to drive away . When some in sober sort , of weightie matters do intreate , And proove the land that lives in peace , hath sure a blessing great , Or some one read in history , doth orderly declare , The manners of our ancestors , and customes what they were . Be sure with trifling matters , that thou crosse their purpose quite , Let others talke of former times , in ours take thou delight . Old wine , old friends , and eke old faith , may be allowed well , And yet t is follie to allow , all old things that you tell . T is fitter for vs yonger men , to speake of yonger daies , And see if for their good deserts , they may have any praise . And then beginne vnto them all , to tell some prettie iest , Which may enforce great store of laughter vnto all the rest . Tell them what kindenes you of late , did of your love receave ; And thus with stories of her flattring words , the time deceave . Since none in crabbed words delight , vse iests in every place , And bawdie termes , for these oft times , procure a speciall grace . O yong man , while thy time is fit , in pleasure take thine ease , If thou thy good companions mindes , doost purpose for to please ; Reiecting shame , speake any filthie words that may be namde , No valiant man , but onely fainting cowards are ashamde . This all your yonkers vse to do , whenas abroade they walke , And scorning honest sober words , they fall to shamelesse talke . That which all yong men vse to do , the life that all men leade , ( Since it is sure , the safest course in best knowne paths to treade . ) The same in every point to imitate I counsell thee , And say , and do , that which thou thinkst to most will pleasing bee . As long as you of nothing else , but toies and trifles talke , So long you may have worke enough , how farre soe're you walke . But if at length , when you have vttred all that e're you meant , ( Although I thinke your store of words , can hardly soone be spent ; ) Then whatsoe're another saith , be sure you mocke and flowt , As scorning to be over-talkt , by such a clownish lowt .

The adorning the Table before supper , and other such like duties . Chap. VII . BVt now sir Phoebus prancing horses to the sea do haste , There to refresh that strength againe , which burning Sol did waste . And now I thinke the time drawes neere , thy supper for to take , Wherefore go home , that thou in readinesse each thing maist make . Bid talke farewell , which staies the bellie from his wish for food , The finest speech vnto a gut halfe ster'vd , can do no good . Yet will I not in any case , that too much haste thou make , But with a good advise and counsell , all things vndertake . Sometimes t is good thou shouldst stay out , beyond the pointed time , For then some other will performe that dutie which was thine . Some other then will lay the cloth , and on thy master tend , And e're thou comst , of all thy busines he will make an end . If that thy father or thine host , do for thy comming stay , Thou sure shalt get great profit and great credite by that way . Profit , for why thou both their loves shalt try , how great they be ; And is t not credite when thine host or father staies for thee ? And sure I thinke , for shame their hunger cannot be so great , As whenas thou art in the fields , they should devoure the meate . When home you come , if that you see that neither man nor maid Did lay the cloth , and yet t is more then time that it were laid ; Vnlesse thy master thee command , lay thou no cloth at all , For if thou too officious art , who can thee simple call ? Ne're labour for great store of wisedome and agilitie , For neither wit nor vertues deedes can one whit profit thee . Simplicitie great profit brings , this will defend thee still , At every time , in every place where thou committest ill . And if in every dutie thou doost shew thy selfe vnfit , Thy master in his great affaires , will never trust thy wit . The man that strives to shun the harmes , he sees before his eyes , And he which knowes what s fittest for himselfe , is surely wise . The man which boasteth of his wealth , is often robd we see , When those which hide their goods vp close , in pleasure still may bee . Such as do of their vertues brag , are oft vndone thereby , When those that looke like lazie knaves , in quiet still may lie . That Chicons darling , brave Vlysses , might escape vnspide , All his exploites vnder a distaffe he was glad to hide . And had not wise Vlysses faind himselfe to have beene mad , In those hot broiles of Troian warres , he surely perish'd had . In like sort thou , if any act or vertue in thee lie , Be sure thou keepe it all so close , that no man may it spie . Thy master and thy father both , will set great taskes to thee , If they discry those vertuous parts , which by thee cloak'd should bee . The trenchers and the bread to place , before the guests do sit , Vnlesse thy master thee command , thou needst not count it fit . You neede not have a care , in what good sort the stooles do stand , Nor neede you care to order every thing , with your owne hand . It is not meete that from the loafe , you chip the vpper crust , Which on your masters trencher , for his owne mouth place you must . Your master oft forbids , that any good thing should be lost , Then if his chippings he should loose , t' would put him to great cost . Do onely that which thou art bid , but do thou that with speede , It is not good at any time , to take more paines then neede . Most wretched is that servants case , whose lucke it is to have , A master at whose becke , he must do all that hee shall crave . If he do that which no man bade him , t is a fault most great , And for it he forthwith is sure , most soundly to be beat . Which to prevent , a wittie youth that well did love his ease , Did take this order , lest he else his master should displease . Of all the things he had to do , he forthwith made a bill , That by this meanes , his masters minde he better might fulfill . And having made it by oft reading got it all by heart , Thinking that he by no meanes then , could from his dutie part . And as for doing other things , he durst not be so bold , Vnlesse he them within his paper , written did behold . By chance his master on a time , bade him put out a flame , Which kindling in a corner of the house , had burnt the same . He fearing lest he should do more , then in his bill he found , Stood seeking , till the house was almost burnt vnto the ground . Get such a b●ll as this , and then you evermore shall finde , If any businesse chance to fall out of your slipperie minde . I told thee many duties fit for dinner time before , Which lest I spend my time in vaine , I will recite no more . Vnto each willing person , all my precepts are but plaine , If by my doctrine they their lives to guide , will take the paine . For many have so quicke a wit , that they my precepts know , Although my methode and my doctrine , no man to them shew . Whenas your master hath to supper , neither guest nor friend , And doth for all his houshold servants , very kindely send ; Forthwith to get the vpper place , have alwaies in your minde , Lest others getting it before , they thrust you downe behinde . It s alwaies seene , that he most labour still doth vndergo , Which comming after all his fellowes , hath his place below . Ho , sirra , boy , vnlocke the doore for them that knocke so fast , If they be strangers , aske their arrants , why they make such haste . Go fetch some bread , and bring the venson pastie in your hands , And draw some wine out of the tunne , which in the corner stands . Perchance the dog hath let a scape , for which he must be gone , Then leade him out , and when hee s sweeter , bring him in anone . These things must sometimes all be done , by him that sits below , Wherefore for any other seate , the lowest place for go . But if perchance , your master makes you onely stand and waite , While all your fellowes take their choise , of every pleasing bait . Then shew some token , that this place is yours against your will , And with such angry words as these , your hungry stomacke fill . I st any reason that I onely , in such servile sort Should stand and waite , while others eate their meate with pleasant sport ? I see no sense , why onely I should stand and waite on thee , Whenas my fellowes are at supper , from such bondage free . But as the hedge is most gone over , where it lieth low , Because it in that lownesse , most humilitie doth show . So I because I lesse resist , then others that stand by , Am quite cast downe , and at my masters feete most basely lie , And thus the more I do obey , the more I still must toile , I see t is hard for him to rise , that once hath tooke the foile . It may be , these thy words to moove thy masters heart may seeme , And hee 'le both give thee lesse to do , and better thee esteeme . And if hee sees , in ioyfull manner that thou part away , Hee 'le love thee better , and appoint thee lesser taskes each day . But if he be obdurate still , refuse not then to waite , Lest he a crooked sticke , vpon thy shoulders broad make straight . Simplicitie that is too foolish , she in any case , Lest it procure thee store of stripes , on shoulders , backe , and face . As erst I told thee , so be sure thou never tie thy points , So maist thou as thou serv'st at boord , be nimbler in thy ioynts . Whether your master and his houshold , onely dine together , Or else your master store of strangers , hath invited thither ; Let all things after one set order , still be done of thee , And still observe one onely kinde , of rude Simplicitie . Why shouldst thou strive at any time , more manners for to reach , Then this my home-bred country muse , in simple verse can teach ? Whether you sup at home , or all your curious friends among , The selfe-same manners in both places , vnto you belong . To differ in your actions , cannot choose but breede disgrace , That which is seemely heere , is not amisse in any place .

Waiting at the Table all supper time . Chapter VIII . WHen all the guests thou hast invited for thy masters sake , Whom he with store of Bacchus liquors , merry means to make . As thou wert wont , so have a care , a trencher to provide , And let Simplicitie in all thy actions be thy guide . Then be thou carefull to observe , all that I said before , And vnto that t is requisite , I adde a little more . Carry your dish so stedfastly , that being filld to 'th brim , The bread , the salt , the cloth and all , may in the potrage swim . What though the pottage spilt , do all the strangers clothes staine , Yet those that know the profit , could indure it so againe . For why the spice wherewith the Cooke did store the pottage well , Besides the daintie taste , will also yeelde a fragrant smell . And by this meanes , their garments afterward will smell more sweete , Then e're they could , before they with this hot perfume did meete . They cannot well forget this kindenesse , if you have your due , For alwaies when they smell that spice , they needes must thinke of you . If that this deede do seeme to make them ioyfull at the heart , Then forthwith for to laugh aloude , you know it is your part . And by this meanes , the company will surely laugh at thee , And praise thee for thy good intent , and plaine Simplicitie . But if some testie crabbed fellow , liking not this vse , With angry lookes do tell thee plaine , thou offerst him abuse . It shall suffice , if with good words , thou lessen his disgrace , Since hottest anger vnto gentle words , oft giveth place . Sir , so it is , each mortall man doth often times offend Against his will , and cannot presently his fault amend . But seeing that his fault is great , he forthwith doth repent , And then lest he should thus dispaire , he hath a pardon sent . And by this meanes , I doubt not but his anger you 'le appease , What though he were so hot of late ? yet thus you may him please . Or if the foole will needes be angry , raile as fast as hee , I hope the foole was old enough , vnto his clothes to see . Then as you stand , with carefull lookes marke all that sit at meate , And marke the quantitie , that every man doth drinke and eate . Hide not your lookes , but vnto every man vnfold your minde , For why your master by this meanes , great profit sure shall finde . For then for shame , each man lesse bits into his mouth will put , And leave halfe that , which else he would have thrust into his gut . Have neither care nor reverence , of master , man , nor maid , But all that fits thy fancie best , let that be done and said . Though all men blame thee , yet if thou doost like thy deedes alwaies , Thou knowst a mans owne guiltlesse minde , deserves the greatest praise . If any man that s not thy master , do thy service crave . Strait bid him doo 't himselfe , for why thy helpe he shall not have . But if thy father or thy master , bid thee do the same , If then thou giv'st them such an answer , thou art much too blame . Do that which they command at leisure , alwaies be thou slow , Lest something thou shouldst hurt or loose , if thou too fast shouldst go . Be sure to frowne , and make such store of faces in that kinde , That all may know , thou goest about it with no willing minde . Perhaps thou seest the candle lacke a snuffer , that it might Vnto the strangers at the table , cast a better light . Thou foole , why doost thou make such haste to snuffe it with thy hand , Vnlesse thy master twice or thrice at least , do thee command If thou doost put it out , while thou to snuffe it doost intend , All that are by , will presently , this cleanely tricke commend . It is a very civill tricke , whenas the candle 's out , To let the stincking smoake , ascend their nostrills round about . If that you dare not put it out quite , lest your master chide , Yet that the stincke may trouble them , you thus may well provide . The snuffe cut off you on the ground may cast without offence , A smoakie vapor , will disturbe their noses all from thence . Why should you treade it out ? vnlesse they ernestly you pray , Although they you command , yet scorne their pleasures to obey . Nay , rather you to leave the snuffers open should presume , From whence will come a smell , which will againe the house perfume . I thinke this smell to wives with childe , but little good will do , Though sure t' will profit in some sort , both men and women too . If some one man among the rest do firmely that denie , And say hee 'le prove the contrarie by reasons presently : And that he may the better proove , that which he doth defend , Doth vrge the words of men , whose writings all times did commend . ( For Plinie saith , the babe which in the mothers wombe doth lie , If that the mother feele this smell , immediately doth die . ) Then cry aloude , that he against the truth doth plainely speake , And that thou presently , wilt proove his argument but weake . Nor be asham'd to trouble and disturbe the standers by , But with these words in loftie sort , be sure thou him defie , I hope good fellow , thou wilt freely give me leave to speake , Since thou the lawes of modestie , long since thy selfe didst breake . He surely is a wicked man , which seekes by vaunting lies , To get him credite and renowne , before vs that are wise . As I remember , I no place of Plinies can recall , Wherein he any whit makes mention of these words at all . For how could he know this ? or else put case he did say so , T is vaine for to beleeve each word , of every man you know . For many things vnto this day , are extant in his bookes , Which he may finde to be most false , that wisely in them lookes . If thus you answer his obiection , everie man will sweare , That surely you a skilfull man , and well read scholler are . The cups being emptie , catch them in your hand with wine to fill , And then in haste fill them so full , that they may almost spill . T is good to fill them ful at first , lest you more paines should take , What though your trembling hand spill some ? you soone amends may make . What though the cup being too full , you powre some on the ground ? I thinke if you should vse this tricke , great fault could not be found . Or if you dare not give it full , for feare your master brawle , Then kindely sup off some , as if you dranke vnto them all . Or ( which is much more civill , ) if too much you chance to fill , Into the flaggon emptie some , for feare you should it spill . For if perchance some durtie drugs , within the cup do lie , By mingling it with all the wine , t' will forthwith clarifie . Perhaps your master on his guests , bestowes such store of wine , That no two cup fulls , grew vpon the selfe-same kinde of vine . You neede not take great care , to know each sundry sort and kinde , But alwaies fill of that , which next vnto your hand you finde . What though a man should alwaies mixe , all kindes of wine together ? The selfe-same earth did beare all wine , which Marchants can bring hether . The vertues of all sortes of wine , in one cup one might hold , If all men in this sort , would vse to mingle new with old . As many vertues ioynde in one , do make that one excell , So divers wines are of most force , when they be mingled well . If any man this custome , with some vp-start name abuse , Tell him , he knowes no orders , which the wise Phisitians vse : Which would not vse to give their patients compound potions still , Vnlesse they found such mixture good , by Phisickes sacred skill . The selfe-same order must be kept , which I prescrib'd before , In that good ale which vnto vs is brought from Saxon shore . From Hamburg cittie on our shore , great store thereof is cast , Which doth both nourish very well , and hath a pleasant taste , Next vnto that , Bracket , a kinde of happy pleasant beere , A kinde of drinke that s made of Hannoveraes water cleere . And Cydar which was brought from thence , where Brunon old was king , And that good kinde of drinke which men from Embecke cittie bring . Let all these sundrie sortes of drinke , be mingled well together , Since onely for the dry throates vse , they were convaied hether . If any man intreateth you , to fill his emptie cup , All that which in the bottome lies , be sure you strait drinke vp . If thou perhaps art drunke to , by some antient friend of thine , Which presently , will have thee pledge him in a cup of wine , At first refuse his gentle offer , after take the cup , And all the wine that is therein , most boldly drinke it vp , As for the cup , in any case let it not emptie stand , And having silld it fresh , restore it to your masters hand , I do not bid you stirre your hat , whenas you pledge your friends ; Or if you will , then onely touch it with your fingers ends . Or if for manners sake , at length to take it off you choose , Then cast it strait behinde your backe , as meaning it to loose . And as you stand expecting carefully your masters will , As fast as they can drinke them off , the emptie cups to fill . If as you fill , from forth your hands , the bottle you let fall , You shall be thought to be a hansome fellow of them all . What though your master heerevpon , beginne to fume and rage ? Yet with this gentle answer , you his answer may asswage . Forsooth you ought for this , to blame my drunkennes , not mee , And heerevpon he cannot choose , but pardon give to thee . If thou perchance espi'st a cup , which voide of liquor is , Which everie man doth constantly , denie to have beene his Because perhaps some sober man , to scape it so , did thinke , And set it by , lest else he should be over-come with drinke . It is great shame , that emptie cups should on the table stand , And t is your fault , if any guest want liquor in his hand . Then take it strait and drinke to him , which for your friend you faine , And by this meanes , the vse of drinking you 'le renew againe . Yet do not this , without some cunning tricke of craft or other , For t is a credite nowadaies , to coofin your owne brother . Wherefore be sure to fill the cup whereon you drinke , with beere , The common kinde of Saxon drinke , which daily we vse heere . But for your friend mingle good wine , your strongest beere among , For why the mixture of these liquors , makes them both more strong . And by this meanes , if of this drinke you give them but your fill , The company will all be drunke , when you are sober still . Or if your masters friends you love not thus for to deceive , Then of each cup of perfect wine , be sure no drop to leave . And thus to drunkards haven thou thy shipping first shalt take , And all that halfe-drunke company , most merrie thou shalt make . And thus by thy example , thou wilt make them drinke the more , Because they see such good effects of wine in thee before . For since that wine stirres vp such gallant sporting trickes in thee , Thei 'le all be drunke , that in like sort they all may pleasant bee .

The manner how to serve the guests with drinke after supper , and how to prevent them with craftie trickes . Chapter IX . THat you have done your busines well , t' wil make your master think , If by your meanes your masters friends , have tooke good store of drinke . Wherefore let no man of your master offer leave to take , Before he with his feete do seeme , indentures for to make . And though your master give him leave , at length to go his way , Yet t is your dutie ne'rethelesse , perforce to make him stay . Nor would I have you fill the cup , at any mans request , Before he doth each drop which in the bottome lies , digest . Sir , you must drinke off everie whit , else not a drop I le fill , My office bindes me thus to do , and that observe I will . Plaine dealing 's best , such drops of wine to what end should you spare ? Thinke you that I of right and iustice , have no better care ? Drunkards , have alwaies beene the iustest men in every place , Wherefore I scorne that our old custome , you should now deface . My master alwaies gives me charge , to give his guests their due , Which charge I could not choose but breake , if I should favour you . Thus say , and though a thousand times he bid you fill it vp , Fill not a whit , vntill each drop he drinke out of the cup. This profit thou shalt get , if thou dost that which I have sed , Thy guest , will sooner all be drunke , and sooner gone to bed . And thou maist sooner take thy rest , and get againe that sleepe , From which thy early rising , doth thine eyes so often keepe . Naso , which in such learned sort of flattring love doth speake , Doth say that want of sleepe doth make mens bodies verie weake . Then since sleepe doth the contrarie , be sure thou have a care , That all thy masters guests betimes , with wine well drunken are . And by the way hee●e is a tricke , which I must teach to thee , Which surely is a perfect point , of pure Simplicitie . Have you two sundry sortes of guests , at supper in your house , As heere a sort of bellie gods , that love the grand carouse . And heere a sort of honest quiet men , that vse to play At Ruffe , at Noddie , and at Pinke , to drive the time away : And hath thy master made thee supravisor over all his wine ? Is both his key , his wine , his seller , and his sugar thine ? The strong wine to the clownes , the worse vnto the good men give , And there s good reason , why good men without good wine should live . Such men as rule the multitude , and weightie causes heare , Lest they should erre by drunkennes , should hate strong wine and beere . For drunkennes o'recomes our sence , and captivates the minde , And is the greatest fault , when it in greatest men we finde . Wherefore , lest thou shouldst seeme the cause and author of this ill , Be sure th●t thou the worst wine , for the best men alwaies fill . Thou seest they love to sit and talke , and passe away the time , Which prove's that they love honest talke , better then strongest wine . Thus will they sit and talke all night , forgetting to depart , Vnlesse thou carefully prevent them with this cunning art , Give them such tastelesse wine , as thou doost vse with drugs to mixe , And then thei 'le surely strait depart , not liking these thy trickes . For they will neither for such tappings any mony spend , Now will such tastelesse drugs as those , their stomacks so offend . But every man to leave that house , will forthwith thinke it best , And to his owne house , every man will go to take his rest . Xantip , wife to Socrates , in fame shall ever live , Who when to certaine worthie men , a banquet she did give . They talked long and learnedly , of things that lik'd them best , Including many a weightie matter in a pleasant iest . When halfe the night they thus had spent , Xantip malecontent , Devisde some meanes , whereby at length their pratling to prevent . She being well tong'd , both her husband and her guests did chide , But seeing that they scornde her words , this other meanes she tride . She threw the table vnder feete , and forc'd them all to go Incontinent out of her house , whether they would or no. This I could wish thee eke to do , if they should sit too long , But this I doubt thou scarce wouldst do , such sober men among . Wherefore I thinke with naughtie wine , they sooner will leave talke , And every man will care , vnto his proper house to walke . Perchance t' will make them leave their chat , to tell them suddainely , Where Charles waine is , and other well knowne candles of the skie . What though you tell a lie ? tush , that s a trifle very light ; Or , that they may be gone to bed , tell them what time of night , Suppose the Cocke hath scarce crow'd once , nights comming to declare , Yet say the starres vnto the waters , now descending are . Or say ( what though thou liest ? ) that each man may his owne house see , Why should their trifling ieasts , disturbe thy master thus and thee ? Or if thou wilt not drive away such grave men in this wise , Then let them talke , and do what soe're is seemely in their eyes . But leave those wise men all alone , vnto the clownes go thou , Who pleasant ieasts , and store of wine ; vnto thee will allow . Mean while , leave those grave Catonists , as men that are forlorne , And let them sit , ( but without wine , ) vntill the next day morne . When they perceive you scorne them thus , and leave them all alone , Then sure ( if ever , ) every man will to his house be gone . But for the drunkards , men well minded , give them better drinke , Because on nothing but the throate well drench'd , they vse to thinke . As little wisedome as you can , will fit their humours best , And as for knowledge and good conscience , they do both detest . Their heads with matters of importance , seldome troubled are , And from their mindes , I thinke they alwaies banisht carke and care . They neither care for wife , nor children , nor excesse of wealth , Their onely care , is now and then in mirth to drinke a health . God Bacchus frolicke feasts , and pleasant wine they still commend , And all their life in sportive plaies and trickes , they vse to spend . For those good fellowes at the first , bring forth immediately , The strongest wine , though vnder twentie lockes and keyes it lie . Such men as these each day and houre , make drunkennes a ieast , And if you bring your strongest wine , the strongest they love best . Vse all thy wit , to make these wel-nie drunken fellowes mad , And though they come too fast before , yet vse a spurre to adde ; And force them thus to runne that way , which they before did go , By giving the stalest wine , which strongest thou dost know . For why , the sooner they be drunke , the sooner thei 'le forsake The house ; the sooner thei 'le depart , the sooner sleepe thei 'le take .

The talke , debating , and wrangling of the guests after supper . Chapter X. WHenas with Bacchus pleasant iuyce , they have bin liquord well , Thei 'le fall to talke , and every man his sundrie tale must tell : Then all the newes that flies abroad , you shall be sure to heare , And all the miracles that have beene done , both farre and neere . One tells how gallantly he spent his sportive youthfull daies , How readie and how apt he was to sundry kinde of plaies ; How cunningly his hobbie-horse , in those daies he could drive , And in the Troyan horse how they their battaile did contrive . Another shewes some lines , received from his whilome love , And tells how happie and effectuall , all his suites did prove : And often-times , a cause of fetching bitter sighes hee 'le finde , When his prosperitie that s past , he calles into his minde . When he his sweetest daies and pleasures past , doth thus recall , He cannot choose , but into store of sighes he needes must fall . A third will on the tother side , his ill successe recite , While he , ( vnhappie he ) did vnder Cupids colours fight , How he was cold and numbe , even in the midst of all his fire : And how he went through frost and snow , to compasse his desire . And yet for all this , he his purpose never could attaine , But for his praiers and his paines , bad words were all his gaine . Another yonker to the heavens , his sweete harts praise will tell , And sweare her haire strives with the gold , the saffron doth excell . Her glittring eyes do shine like starres , to them that passe them by , Venus I thinke Idaliaes Queene , had not a purer eye . Her mouth well framde , her face and cheekes in forme are verie round , Life-breathing kisses , in her rose-excelling lips are found , Her white with red , and red with white , so well is inter-linde , As if the blushing Rose , were to the pale-fac'd Lillie ioynde : Her fingers long and slender are , her teates are even so , Her thighs ( sweete thighs , ) excell in whitenes the Sithonian snow . Others perchance in other matters place their chiefe delight , And everie man will speake of that , which fits his state most right , The souldier speakes of cruell battailes , Mars , and bloodie wounds , The hunts-man which delightes in dogs , commends the swiftest hounds . He that delightes in store of fruites , commends most fertile fields , The shepheard he commends the flock , which most wooll to him yields . The marriner sets forth the windes , and quicke-sands where they bee , And talkes to them of raging seas , which never sea did see . Each man according to his life , doth speake of every thing , The hearing of such newes as these , great profite may thee bring . Some will repeate those trickes , which they have done in all their daies , And for these tricks ( though they be faults , ) wil looke to have some praise . Oft have I heard old chancelesse men , with one foote in the grave , Brag of those vices , which they in their youth committed have . Those good examples of old men will teach thee , in like sort , Yong heads vnto decrepite syres , for counsell should resort . Be sure thou listen with both eares , vnto each word they say , And in thy carefull minde , each matter firmely beare away . If in the meane time any guest , desire thy helping hand , And either bid thee fill some wine , or something else command . Looke thou another way , as if his voice thou didst not heare , And with each hand from that ill sound , be sure thou stop each eare . Vlisses , lest the Syrens songs to death should him intice , Stopt all his fellowes eares with wax , and scapt by that devise . So lest thou shouldst be forc'd to go , whither thou hast no minde , Be deafe , and then to heare their talke , thou still maist stay behinde . But if without your credites cracke , you can no longer stay , Because he still with lowdest voice praies you to come away , And yet to heare their trifling talke , you have a great desire , This favour at his hands , by this meanes you may well require . Pray him to stay , but till you heare the end of that one ieast , And then you 'le come , he cannot choose but grant that small request . When store of Bacchus drunken iuyce , into their braine is sent , And drunkennes in every part , hath firmely pitch'd his tent ; Triumphing , that poore reason from his native seate is gone : And when the soule is headlong thrust , by force from off her throne , Great strife , concerning sundry weightie matters will arise , And every tongue made glib with drinke , will talke in divers wise . One saieth , that after death , our soules do live eternally , And that it is not like , that with our bodies they should die . They change their place indeede , but enter other subiects tho , As that soule which was once a mans , into a beast doth go . But this absurde opinion , will of some reiected be , Which in like iudgement , with Pythagoras do not agree . Others will thinke , the soule and bodie both together die , Even as the heare together with the fire , ends presently . And that this is impossible , another forthwith saith , Most constantly dispraising those that dare defend this faith . Another will declare great wonders of another land , Which in a place , that s farre beyond heavens axletree , doth stand . There ●●en have mouthes & teeth like dogs , and do on mans flesh feede ; That s false another cries , with monsters Nature ner'e agreed . Each man brings store of arguments , that he may get the field , And every man will rather die than to another yield . Others would gainst such kings as they , mislike , exception take , And oftentimes great iarres and warres , by their great words they make , Some Captaines thei 'le extoll beyond the heavens , and stars with praise , Others thei 'le wish at Stigian lakes , in hell to end their daies . Others will speake quite contrarie to these , to move debate , And those which they so hate , thei 'le praise , which they so praise , thei 'le hate . Others make difference in the daies , one blacke , another white ; Others by making all alike , dash this distinction quite . Each man will onely like of that , which he himselfe doth know , Iudgeing , that as he thinkes , t is meete that every man thinke so . Another cannot suffer that , but thus it needes must be , That he knowes what belongs to things , as well as any he . And then thei 'le proove and disproove , all the causes they can get , And thus their wrangling , wrestling strife , and swaggring will be great . It may be then from words to bloodie blowes this strife will leade , And then insteede of arguments , a naked sword must pleade . As for old Logicke , that in this case can no whit suffise , Which never taught to prove your words , in this so boistrous wise . Some Aristotle must be found , to print this art anew , By shewing from what secret place , his shining sword he drew . Be sure that with a lustie courage , thou on one side take , And by thy counsell and advise , the battell greater make . Thrust thou thy selfe into the midst , and all feare cast behinde , Concerning all the matter , freely vtter thou thy minde . In store of stirre , and whooping lowde , be sure thou passe them all , And speake so lowde , that thou maist almost shake thy masters hall . Boldly give thou the lie , to him which contradicteth thee , Then at thy thunder-thumping words , thei 'le all amazed bee . And thus to honour and renowne , thou presently shalt rise , And for this wit , the multitude will praise thee to the skies . But from his hands to whom thou gav'st the lie , be sure thou live , Lest for that salutation , some wound to thee he give .

The manner how to send away the guests after supper , and what is to be done before you go to bed , and the conclusion of this first booke . Chapter XI . IF halfe the night be spent in waging warre the guests among , This iniurie in any case , must not be tooke too long . He which with carefull diligence , vnto his things will looke , Must have a care , that all his guests with craft be over-tooke . That banquet , last it ne're so long can bring to thee no gaine , Although by keeping thee from sleepe , it put thee to great paine . Wherefore to make them all depart , thy wit must finde some feate , Some trickes I have alreadie taught , which heere I will repeate . Perchance some one among the rest , demands what time of night , Then be thou sure in any case , thou never tell him right . Perhaps the Cocke doth tell you plaine , t' was ten the clocke strucke last , Yet be not thou ashamde , to say that it is twelve and past . Though no man aske , yet tell them this each houre , on thine owne head , That they may know the better , that its time to go to bed . If neither they respect thy words , nor yet the time that s past . Then warne them flatlie , that each person to his house make haste . And though your master did not bid you , thus his guests to vse , Yet if you do so , this his credite cannot much abuse . I doubt not , but your master would himselfe have said the same , If that it would not have beene preiudiciall to his fame . As soone as they halfe-drunken , do beginne to part away , Set ope the doore , lest thou shouldst give them any cause of stay . Set ope the doores I say , and freely lend them store of light , And tell each man which is the way , vnto his owne house right . And when each one hath tooke his leave , as fits his humour best , Be take thee to thy chamber , there at length to take thy rest . As for the shutting of the doores , it is thy masters right To shut them all , if that he meanes they shall be shut that night . Let him put out the candles all , and eke rake vp the fire , Thy master must go last to bed , that Cato doth require . Or else take thou the candle , for I thinke that s farre more fit , Whenas thou go'st to bed , and for thine owne vse keepe thou it ; Lest in the darke , thy legs or feete be hurt by any thing , The night , before all other times most hurt doth soonest bring . As for your master , he may in the darke more safely go , Because each corner in the house , he perfectly doth know . Let him a Gods name in the darke , put off his clothes alone , Hee 's old enough , as for thy helpe , be sure thou give him none . The night is shorter then the day , then sure I thinke it best , To have a care , that nothing hinder thine expected rest . Wherefore prevent the hasting time , by all meanes that thou can , Care for thy selfe , but have no care for any other man . As for the pots and cups , which still are left vpon the table , To sturre them ere tomorrow morne , I thinke thou art not able . If all the pots should be remoov'd that night , and purg'd by you , After such paines and losse of sleepe , what profit would ensue ? Then let them stand , that every man may tell his fellow , heere Was yester night a royall banquet , stuffde with daintie cheere . For by this meanes , of those great pleasures they may have a taste , T is comfortable to remember pleasures that are past . Nay which is more , this businesse thou ever shouldst neglect , Because no wise man , will such labour and such paines respect . Next morning , t is my counsell , that thou sleepe till iust mid-noone , Left thou shouldst hurt thy braine and wit , if thou shouldst rise too soone . Nay then , to leave thy sleepie bed , take thou no care at all , Vnlesse thy father or thy master , twice or thrice thee call . Meane time , the servants all the pots will place in comely wise , And quite dispatch thy businesse , before that thou canst rise . When thou hast slept so well , that all thy wine is wash'd away , Then rise , whenas the sunne hath shined brightly halfe the day . Such precepts as are fittest for thee , whenas thou doost rise , And all fit manners , we have tolde before in ample wise . Be sure that thou in every place , doost all of them maintaine , Lest thy forgetfulnes , make me repeate them all againe . Many there are , which next their heart do burnt wine wholesome thinke , For why ( say they , ) our sences are restorde by that warme drinke . Do thou the same if for such kinde of drinke thy purse do care ; For ill with ill , and wine with wine , oft times expelled are . To teach thee more , concerning this thy simple life I meant , But I must haste , for why mine owne affaires do me prevent . Vse thine owne wit as much as may be , for thou so maist well By thine owne practise , all my words and counsell farre excell . I onely slightly touch those precepts , which I give to thee , Which if I should at large define , too tedious I should bee . Few words will serve , since from thy vse great learning thou hast had . Vnto my precepts by thy practise , thou maist daily adde . For me to put all things in one booke , it would be but vaine , Because the greatest place that is , could not that booke containe . How I ( poore wretch , ) such labour should sustaine , I do not know , It is a burthen , greater then my wit can vndergo . For why , no place ( though ne're so wide , ) all fooles can comprehend . Because their court is infinite , their number without end . Cast but your eyes in carefull sort , through all the worlds wide round , And marke each sundry sort of men , that therein can be found . You still most shamelesse filthie faults , in every place shall finde , For why alas to rudenes , now no meane can be assignde . Old age to live by vertues line , have nowadaies no care , Not shaming by vilde vices , to disgrace their silver haire . And which is worse , they vnto youth such bad examples give , That they in imitating them , most wickedly do live . And youth , ( such is the wickednes of these inclining daies , ) Doth thinke , that living out of order , merits mickle praise . Who teacheth youth to mend their lives , or bids them to forsake Their former most disorderd life , and better courses take ? Nor man nor woman nowadaies , their credite do respect , But loving vice most shamelesly , all vertue they neglect . In times of olde , when men by vertue did to honour rise , Yong maids were much commended , for their chaste & shamefaste eyes . They seldom spake , and when they spake , their speech was chaste & pure , Which of a chaste and pure minde , was an argument most sure . Now t is a credite for a wench , to have a gadding eye , And if she cannot keepe her way , shee 's praisde immediatly . Now , t is a credite for a wench , to have her tongue to walke ; And she is thought a clownish wench which cannot boldely talke . T is vaine to talke of those great men , which are in great account , And , which in rule and dignitie all others do surmount . Forgetfull of all comelines , those things they speake and doe , Which all their mindes regardlesse lust most headlong leades them to : And those which in a kingdome over others rulers are , Doe that themselves , from which they should keepe others with great care . Enter the halles of noble men , pufft vp with pompe and pride ; The high built houses of great men , their porches large and wide : And at your very entring in , such obiects you shall see , I meane such men as you , of soules would iudge them voyde to be : There drunkennesse , and lives beseeming beasts , do rule and raigne : Heere gluttony the chiefest rule and empire dooth obtaine : And in another corner pride doth beare the greatest sway , Which doth mens mindes from good behaviour headlong leade away . In these and such like steppes , the subiect multitude doth treade , Which from all vertue to all vice , our mindes do captiue leade . I would proceede by these complaints these vices to amend , But that I am inforc'd at this time here to make an end : For why , the rusticke rowt with piercing cries do me command , To finish that my taske , which lately I have tooke in hand .

The end of the first Booke .

THE SECOND BOOKE of auntient Simplicitie of Behaviour .

How to behave your selfe , being invited by another , with what behavior to come to supper , and how to sit downe at the Table . Chap. I. THus farre I have set downe , according to my shallow vaine , The means wherby your masters gests with mirth to intertain But as a servant which as yet , can have no full command , But is perforce inforc'd to live , vnder his maisters hand . But now the meanes to vse your owne invited guests and frends , This second Booke in ample sort and manner comprehends . If then you of your neighbour as a guest invited are , Learne heere , of what good manners you must have a speciall care . First , of the boy that comes to bid you , many questions aske , As , whome he bids , and why his maister pointed him that taske , He rather for that purpose should some serving man have got , Whereby more grace and credite might have fell vnto your lot : What fish , what flesh , his maister for that dinner doth provide ; And , how much silver , he amongst the Butchers did divide : What curious cates , and store of sawce , the Cooke provides for thee ; What sortes of bread , wherewith thy whining paunch may glutted be : What kindes of wine the Butler hath provided for your taste ; What junkets you shall carry with you , when you part at last : And whether after meate , there must be dauncing in the hall , Whether his maister to that feast did any virgins call . And aske him , if the guests , the cookes , and cates which thou shalt find , May be supposde , agreeing to your worships stately minde . Thus having notice of each thing , which that day shal be done , Intreate the lad , with thankes , to tel his maister that you 'le come . But if among the number of the guests , you chance to finde Some hatefull fellowes name , whose actions fit not to your minde ; Then never give your word , that you ( God willing ) there will be , Let not all sorts of knaves be mates and fellowes fit for thee . Amongst a crew of crabbed Catonists scorne thou to dine , Which vnto grave severitie do all their words incline : Wherefore commaund the boy , to charge his maister to prepare A sort of pleasant sportive youths , which of thy nature are . And if the cates , which he repeates doe not thy stomacke please , Bid him provide thee better meate , thou canst not dine with these . But that thou in particular more perfectly maist know , All which the Cooke provides for dinner , ere thou thither go , Demaund thou of the boy , a bill containing all the meate , Whereof thou at thy neighbours house doost meane thy part to eate . Thus maist thou know both what to eate , and what to set aside : And , for what wines and daintie cates a rowme you should provide . Take out your bill from out your bagge , that hangeth at your backe , And marke as well each dish receiv'd , as each dish which you lacke : If in your bill you finde some boild dish fitting to your minde , Which was not brought vnto your table , but was kept behinde , Because your neighbour bade his Cooke reserve it for a friend , Whose presence doubtlesse he exspected ere that dinners end . Strait stampe and stare , fret , rage , and fume , as if that you were madde ; To cloake your anger in this case , I holde it very bad . There is no sense , your hoste should offer you such mighty wrong , In scoffing sort , to make you sit , with empty mouth so long . When still you thought ( well meaning man ) they did provide for you More dainty dishes as you bade them , but it prooves vntrue , Why ceasest thou with piercing voyce , to bid them bring away Those dishes , which thou foundst contained in thy bill to day : Thou hast not this abuse alone , but every stranger there As well as thou , in this indignitie doth beare his share . Though no man bid you speake a word , yet say you speake for all , If onely you had beene abusde , th 'had had no cause to brawle . Thus having well preparde your selfe , to supper see you hie , Whenas you see the time so long expected , draweth nie . As for your neighbour which must go to supper that same way , Since you can finde the way your selfe , t is vaine for him to stay . Neglect thy businesse all at home , to supper make thou haste , T is better to be there too soone , then for to be the last . When you into your neighbours house , most boldly entred are , Lest that you bid , God speede too oft , you needes must have a care . But strait from thence , vnto the smoaking kitchin go with speede , To see what daintie dishes they provide , thy paunch to feede . Nor stay thou longer , but demand some provender to eate , Resistlesse hunger can be tamde by nothing but by meate . And after that , require a cup of foming wine to drinke , And by this meanes , thou shalt deceive the lingring time I thinke . That when the rest to supper come , thou maist be liquord well , The more thou drinkst , the greater store of pleasant ieasts thou 'lt tell . And all will take thee for a iesting fellow in these daies , A drunkard and a iester , cannot live without his praise . If thou doost stay alone , because the rest no haste do make , How thou the time maist passe away , my counsell thou maist take . With lowdest voice , be sure that thou beginne to sing some rime , And let the subiect of it be , the praise of pleasant wine . The sound whereof will spread itselfe , quite over all the streete , And thou by this meanes , with great store of companie maist meete . For when thy fellowes perfectly , do this thy musicke heare , They surely will perswade themselves , that supper time drawes neere . And every man will haste to heare , thy sweete enchanting voice , And leaving all their things vndone , with thee thei 'le eke reioyce . Or if thou take no great delight , in making such great haste , When all the rest are set and serv'd , then come thou in at last . Stay thou at home so long , vntill they send in post some man , To pray you for to make all haste , which possibly you can . Say that you 'le follow presently , but stirre not from that place , Vntill they send another man , your companie to grace . Let all the guests for thy sake , from their suppers hindred bee , This is a credite , which should never be refusde of thee . Thei 'le surely thinke some great affaires , your counsell do require , And that some man of worship , doth your present aide desire . If having staid a while , they see you come not yet away , And therefore thinke you purpose not , to dine with them that day : And at the last , the Cooke vnto the table sends the meate , And every guest , as he likes best , beginnes thereof to eate . Then enter thou , when every man is at his supper quicke , And all the places are possest , because they sit so thicke . With frowning face and lowring lookes , be sure to checke thine host , For making such a man as you , so basely kisse the poste . Tell him of this his boldenes , all his chiefest guests among , T is hurtefull to forget to punish this reproach too long . Are these the cates wherewith you said , I entertaind should bee ? Is this your love ? is this the care you ought to have of mee ? But fare you well sir , for a meale the matter is not great , I hope I still shall live , without your friendship , or your meate . And having boldly spoke these words , with a resolved heart , Go forth , as if you to your house would presently depart . Then strait with cap in hand , your host will to you humbly come , Desiring you to pardon that , which rashly hath beene done . And after he with flattring words , hath woo'd you halfe an houre , Returne to meate with smiling lookes , ceasing to frowne and lowre . And then perchance each man , will freely rise from off his place , That they thy kinde returne , may with the greater credite grace . Take thou the best place , which for thee thou fittest thinkst to bee , That is thy due , else why did all those strangers rise to thee ? But if when thou returnst , no man will offer thee his place , And yet thou spi'st a roome reserv'd , some worthy man to grace . Lest thou be forc'd to sit behinde , take vp this roome for thee , It is a rule in every place , first come , first serv'd must bee . It is a proverb which will last , vntill the day of doome , He that comes late , must either loose his supper , or his roome . If by the bench thou canst not come , then thinke it is no hurt , To staine the cloth , the table , or the trenchers , all with durt . Climbe o're the table , breake the pots and glasses , spill the wine , Throw downe the platters , if they hinder this intent of thine . Or with thy feete bemire their clothes , which on the bench do sit , I thinke to vse them in this sort , cannot be much vnfit . What sence had they to keepe that seate from thee , when it was void ? Since for a better man then thee , it could not be emploid . If any man finde fault , because the cloth is spoilde with durt , Blame onely them , because that they were authors of that hurt . Though many ere they take their meate , to wash their hands do love , Yet , that cold fountaine water hurts a man , I thus could prove ; Great store of cold , vnto the heart that s hot doth breede offence ; ( Mans heart is therefore hot , because all heate proceedes from thence , ) Into thy hands and fingers , as into each other part , Come certaine spreading hidden veines , which rise from forth the heart . If thou to put thy fingers in the water , art so bold , Thy fingers by the waters chilnesse , are made numbe and cold . Which chilnesse by these spreading veines into the heart is sent ; Alas , such nipping cold as this , doth much thy heart torment . Great coldes expell that heate , which we of Nature do receave , Which once exhausted , we are strait enforc'd our life to leave . Wherefore , vnlesse you love in danger of your life to stand , Abstaine to pierce your heart with colde , by washing of your hand . For if you long to wash your hands , have such exceeding care , Old age will seize vpon your limbs , before you are aware . And whenas vnexpected age , hath of you got the field , Then to his mercie , you your breath , your life , and all must yield . If any wonder why such nicenesse you in washing vse , Tell him , this is the cause why you so oft to wash refuse . But if you come before the meate be tooke from off the fire , And all the guests before they sup , to wash their hands require : And every man stands striving , who shall first of all begin , If thine be fowler then the rest , be sure thou thrust them in . The best man there can take no hurt , by washing after thee , Thou art a guest as welcome to thy neighbours house as hee . Thy fingers thou must also wash , thy mouth and eke thy face , What though thou make the strangers stay ? it can breede no disgrace . When thou hast washt enough , and fowlde the water with thy fists , Then let them with thy dirtie leavings , wash their hands and wrists . Meane time have thou a care , the chiefest roome for to provide , From whence I thinke , no sober man will bid thee stand aside . Or marke what sorts of bread , the boy doth on the table put , Some sorts are better then some other , for thy hungry gut . One sort is like the sunnes eclips , as blacke as is the ground , Another sort , as white as the Sythonian snow is found . Then lest thou dine with browne bread , have a care for to provide Good store of white , which in thy bosome thou maist safely hide . After , when some few men have snatcht the white bread for their neede , The rest must be constrainde that meale , on houshold bread to feede , When all are serv'd , then at the length bring forth thy bread to light , All that behold this craftie tricke of thee , will iudge aright . Thy wittie fore-sight thei 'le admire , and like this prettie part , And every man will say , that sure a wittie man thou art . And many a man that sees it , will therein thy scholler bee , When he perceives the practise takes such good effect in thee .

What manners and gestures the guest ought to observe in eating . Chapter II. AS soone as ere thou spi'st some dishes on the table stand , Be sure that thou before the rest , thrust in thy greedie hand . Snatch that you like , I told you so before , you know it well , It is but labour lost , that I againe the same should tell . That which I once have told to you , you never should refuse , But in each place and companie , you boldly must it vse . And whatsoever meate your hoste vnto the boorde doth send , Although you cannot choose , but very much the taste commend ; Yet finde therein something or other that mislikes your minde , And though it can deserve no blame , be sure some fault to finde : This is too salt , and this too fresh , and this is too much rost , This is too sowre , and this too sweete , your cooke's too blame mine host , And speake so lowde , that all may heare thee , which are then in place : For by this meanes thou maist in jeast , the carefull cooke disgrace . And by this tricke thou wilt deserve , a civill yonkers name , And happy is he nowadayes , which can attaine such fame . When ev'ry man is at his meate , and no mans tongue dooth walke , Be sure that thou with pleasant jeasts doost hold them all in talke . It is not good for him which would be praisde of all men , long To sit amongst his friends at meate , not vsing of his tong . When thou arte set , devoure as much as thou with health canst eate , Thou therefore wert to dinner bid , to helpe away his meate . Thrust in as much into thy throate , as thou canst snatch or catch , And with the gobbets which thou eatst , thy jawes and belly stretch . If with thy meate thou burne thy mouth , then cloake it craftely , That others may as well as thou , partake that miserie . To throw thy meate from out thy mouth into the dish againe I dare not bid thee , for it is too clownish , and too plaine . But lest thou shouldst be burnt againe , thou shalt a medcine know , Thy burning meate with cooling breath , thou stowtly oughtst to blow : In little blasts against this heate , no comfort can be found : Then puffe thy cheekes with winde , as if a trumpet thou wouldst sound : From whence , as if the boystrous windes were from their prison freed , Let foorth great blasts against thy meate to helpe thee at thy neede , With rumbling noyse let store of cooling blasts , breake forth their fill : In like sort as do flames of fire , from Aetnaes burning hill . If to thy neighbours face thou turne , I will thee much commend , And store of breath and pottage , to his cheekes be sure to send . If thus thou doost , all will applaude thee , and thy trickes allow , And often will desire to learne this pretty jeast of you . It is a praise , to have a loving dogge on you to waite ; Wherefore , if you are bid to supper , get a puppie strait : Let him in any case hard by thee , on a cushon sit , And give him out of every dish , such meate as thou thinkst fit ; To thrust him downe from off his seate what guest dares be so bolde ? This dog ( sir ) hath a maister heere that will his deedes vpholde . When you are almost wearie , and desire your teeth to rest , Then , that your puppie make you merrie , it is surely best . And let your dog licke o're your lippes , with fawning tongue put out , And eke your hands , with which more meate to reach you are about . Or catch the fleas which hurt your dogge , by all the trickes you can , And killing them vpon your trencher , proove your selfe a man . Whenas you eate , stretch wide your iaws , & thrust great gobets down : Even as the cheekes are stretcht with wind , of some song-tuning clowne . It is not meete , that in the dish , you should leave anie meate ; That which your hoste dooth set vpon the boord , he would have eat : T is better farre , to stand in feare of breaking of a gut , Than leave one bit of that , which is vpon the Table put . If thou some little bit that s somewhat tougher than the rest , Because thy throate wants liquor , canst not very well digest , Then take some drinke , and keepe it in your mouths most hollow part , T' will make your meate from out your mouth into your gut depart . Out of your mouth , into the cup , some little crummes to send , Though some will say t is clownish , yet it cannot much offend . I pray , whie is it hurtfull , thus to mingle meate with drinke ? If they be mingled thorowly , they nourish more I thinke . That meate and drinke should thus be ioynd , Nature her selfe hath saide , For in this world , one thing doth still desire anothers aide . The bones and scraps , and such things as thou scornst thy selfe to eate , Throw down amongst the dogs , how can they live without some meate ? Each dog regarding his owne dinner , none will quiet be . For want of victualls you a pleasant battell there shall see . Perchance , insteede of dogs , thei 'le snap the strangers as they sit , In such an hurlie burlie this cannot be much vnfit . Then laugh alowd , whenas thou doost vnder the Table see Such warres and iarres , which had their first originall from thee .

What behaviour is to be observed at the Table , after the first course . Chap. III. WHen with the first course you have filld your hungrie bellie well , Your gerdle must be loosde , as I before to you did tell ; For thus your meate will of your mouth , his leave the sooner take , And your concoction yet to come , you may the better make . Your bellie will the sooner rowme for other cates provide , Which with your vnkinde gerdle , was before too hardelie tide . And now the boy to take away the trenchers hath a care , To make them cleane against the second course he doth prepare . When all the rest deferre the time , be sure that in great haste Thy trencher thou before the rest into the Voider cast . But now , lest this might senslesse seeme , i le give my reason whie It is not seemely , that your trencher vppermost should lie . If when some great man casts his trencher in the lowest place , Thou cast thine over it , and hurt his trencher ; O disgrace ! Know'st thou not , that the vulgars should lie troden vnder feete ? Then , lest thou should seeme prowd , to lay thy trencher low , t is meete . Anothers trencher , though he be a man of high degree , Stirre not , but let him cast it in , else let it lie for thee . But when cleane trenchers come , in snatching be not thou the last , If at the first the boy vnto thee doe no trencher cast . To maides and wives some will for credite the first trencher give ; But doe not thou so , if in perfect health thou meane to live . Thou know'st mens manners nowadaies sell at the markets rate , For that which thou didst do in kindenesse , men will give thee hate . If thou in friendly sort doost maides or matrons kindely grace , T' will be mislikt of some , then trust not ev'rie smiling face , Their husbands will not like of this , but note thee with their eies , And thinke that all this duetie from some kindled love dooth rise . The choler of a jealous husband which doth thee suspect , Eschew : suspition , hurt , deceit , and death doth oft effect : Then save thy life , and keepe thy selfe from each ensuing wrong , Lest being once suspected , thou do so remaine too long . If thus the trenchers being layd , the meate comes not away , Let not your teeth and bellie rest , if more meate get you may : But nimbly fall afresh vnto the meate you eate before ; Fowle thou new trenchers , though thy fellowes cannot eate no more . When you are at your dinner , cast all shame behinde your backe ; He that denies this principle , doth sure his senses lacke . At length , when all the second course is on the table placde , Into the best thrust thou thy hand , before the rest in haste : But wipe thy trencher on the cloth first , be it ne're so deere , Vnlesse it were for this intent , why did they place it there ? Namely , to wipe from off each trencher , all the fat away ; And that with it , your hands your mouth and fingers cleanse you may . This which I once have saide vnto you , vse for to repeate , Whens'ere that hunger is not banisht from your paunch , with meate . Or if thou be the chiefe man that doth at the Table sit , And therefore till thou hast begunne , no man will cut a bit ; Sit still a great while ere thou cut , t' will argue maiestie , Whenas thou maist be counted light , to fall to presently . Indeede , if thou no great man wert , thy hand might first be in : But since thou arte , vntill thou arte intreated , ne're beginne . Deferre the time , in talking , laughing , or some such like arte , Play with thy trencher , or thy knife , to make thy time departe ; Which while thou doost , the company must on thee gazing sit , Because , vntill thou hast begunne , they dare not eate one bit . Nor let it shame thee , when thy fainting chinne doth drop , Like two strong postes , with both thy hands , the same to vnderprop , Leane lazily with one or both thine elbows on the boord , This tricke of manners can no cause of shamefastnes affoord . But if this deede vnto thy nature doth not much arride , Then have a care , that both thy hands thou in thy codpeece hide , Thou then maist pull them out , whenas the time is neere at hand , Against thy meates invasion of thee , on thy ward to stand . At length , when as thou seest the time , to fall vnto thy meate , Be sure to snatch the daintie bits , t is meete thou shouldst them eate . Of veale , t is best to snatch the reines , that is the sweetest bit , Wherefore , I thinke vnto thy stomacke , that agrees most fit . As for the Wolfe-fish , gluttons hold the taile to be the best ; But of the buble fish , the head is sweeter then the rest . Thou art the cheefe man , then with these be sure thy selfe to grace , To snatch them have a care , and on thy trencher them to place . Take them alone , keepe them alone , devoure them all alone , As for thy neighbour , though he longs for some , yet give him none . If that thy knife be blunt , thou doost exspect some losse to beare , Because it will not serve thy turne , as if it sharper were . But some there are , which vse their knives sharpe edge with stones to waste , Lest it it be too sharpe , it chance to cut the meate too fast . What though your knife in teeth and edge , like to a saw should bee ? Yet sure I doubt not but this tricke , with reason would agree . For if when you at dinner are your neighbour sendeth in A rosted goose , which hath a very fat and tender skinne . Good store thereof thy mangling knife , will to thy trencher bring , Which of the vulgar sort , is thought a very daintie thing . This dutie can your knife performe , having a mangling edge , And eke excuse all faults , which they against you can alleadge . That you the better may the store of meate receiv'd digest , To keepe good store of liquor still , I count it alwaies best . And when another in his hand , doth hold the pot to drinke , Demand it from him , and he cannot say thee nay , I thinke . If he deny to give it , till his thirst be quencht at full , Then from thy neighbours mouth in haste , presume the pot to pull . And having catcht it once againe , be sure to hold it fast , If it depart , it will not vnto thee returne in haste . Then though the rest desire to drinke , and humbly thee request To drinke thy selfe , and then restore the pot vnto the rest . Regarde them not , but though they should be raving mad for drinke , Yet keepe the pot , and vse it when thy selfe most fit doost thinke . With sounding cries , be sure thy selfe alone to fill the house , Men are most eloquent , when they have drunke a full carouse . Let none but thee disturbe the guests , which at the table sit , To suffer others voices to be heard I count vnfit . That others should , or drinke , or crie , thou wouldst be verie loth , But as for thee , be sure that thou be cunning found in both . And when you drinke , to wipe your lips , and clense your snottie nose , Are trifling things , it is not meete that you take care for those . Why shouldst thou of such light affaires as these , take any care ? They must be greater matters , which of thee regarded are . All which you know , vnto the selfe-same bellie to pertaine , Why should you wipe away , as if their league you did disdaine ? Whether it be flesh , drinke , bread , fat , or whatsoe're beside , Let it into thy stomacke passe , through thy throat so wide . Or if you love sometimes to wipe your dirtie mouth a whit , The cleanest table cloth , is for that purpose sure most fit . Let that thy braines ill excrements in friendly sort receave , And all the fat that s on thy lips , be sure on it to leave . Others delight to take the sleeve of their new shifted shirt , And on that blow their nose , and from their mouthes wipe off the dirt . If that you thinke it is a cleanely tricke , the same to vse , For my part , I for cleanelinesse , the same will not refuse . When thou hast drunke thy fill , although he do it not demand , Yet let the pot before thy neighbours trencher alwaies stand . Lest that it hinder thee , when thou some daintie bit shouldst eate , And make thy right hand lacke the roome , wherein to cut thy meate . Reach it againe for thine owne vse , when thou seest fittest time , And water all thy jawes and throat , with pleasant tasting wine . But if thy neighbour knowes as well as thou , that tricke to vse , And setting it before thy trencher , doth it oft refuse . Then either with a cheerefull voice , tell him you are not drie , And so returne it kindely , to his owne hands presentlie . Or rather , into fretting rage and anger forth-with breake , And all the thundring words thou canst devise , be sure to speake . Why should you offer me your drinke , when as I do not thirst ? You rather should have let it stoode , whereas I plac'd it first . Or thinke you for this , any favour at my hand to get ; Whenas your pot from cutting of my meate , my hand doth let ? And if to adde some railing speeches vnto this you vse , T is ten to one , he in this sort will not you oft abuse . Yet notwithstanding , t is a comely thing forth-with to drinke , For store of liquor tempers well the meate receiv'd , I thinke . When all the rest leave drinking , vrge them in such valiant wise , That none presume ( for shame , ) in sober sort from thence to rise . Go thou before , and let them follow thee that drinkest best , It is a credite for thee , to be drunke before the rest . Then if thou by thy drunkennes , doost any fault commit , They may the sooner and the fitter , freely pardon it .

Modestie in eating and drinking . Chapter IIII. I Oft have seene ( the reason of that vse , I do not know , ) Divers which to their neighbours house , will never scot-free go . Wherefore each man will carrie wine at dinner for to drinke , That sort of wine which in his iudgement , he the best doth thinke . One carries wine , brought from the shore of Rhene , that runs so swift , Another thinketh French wine fitter for a friendly gift . A third will carrie wine , that grew on the Pannonian hills ; And all will carrie sundry sorts , agreeing to their wills . If touching this , thou doost demand my counsell as a friend , I will not be the man , that shall this custome much commend . Faith carrie none , but spare cost , if my counsell thou wilt heare , Thine host provideth wine I hope , if not , thou maist drinke beere . But if without some , thou canst not with credite thither go , Take heede , lest on thy wine thou too much mony doost bestow . That wine which thou doost know , the worst in all the towne to bee , Be sure to carrie that , to drinke among thy friends and thee . But when the wine which each man brought , is set vpon the boord , Search out forth-with , the best wine which the table can affoord . And get a pot thereof , and set it full behinde your backe , And drinke thereof alone , whenas you any wine do lacke . It may be fear'd the daintie wine will hardly come to thee , By this meanes , this ensuing hurt may well prevented bee . Then , that thou maist be thought a man more pleasant then the rest , To make them laugh , be sure to tell them many a prettie ieast . With loudest voice , beginne to sing some pleasant tuned song , And of thy love repeate a dittie that s an houre long . Foure sundry humours , vnto humane bodies do resort . Which moove the heart in sundry sort , as learned men report . For earthly choler doth men sad , austere and slouthfull make , But anger , rage , and furie , men from fierie choler take . Of fleame to thee ( light foole , ) I neede not speake as of the rest , The sanguine which doth cause mirth , is of all complexions best . Wherefore , that thou vnto a sanguine maist be thought most nie , With cheerefull singing , lift thy chanting voice beyond the skie . Tell tales of dances , of yong wenches , and of pleasant wine , And with such flattring pleasant trifles , drive away the time . If any friend doth drinke to thee , out of a full filld cup , Ere he hath ended scarce his draught , be sure to snatch it vp . Care not , though he perhaps at last , to reach it you did thinke , But snatch it , though perhaps a better draught he meant to drinke . Tell him , that man gives twice which gives his gift without delay , Lest he vnto another man , should give the cup away . When thou at length with much ado , hast got both pot and drinke , These three good rules , will teach thee when to leave , thou oughtst to thinke . When want of breath , doth of thy vitall forces thee bereave , Then in my iudgement is it time thy formost draught to leave . Vnlesse perhaps ( which I commend , ) thou doost it better love , To take thy winde , and yet not from thy mouth the pot to move . Then when a certaine watry humour , filleth vp thine eyes , And out of them as from a spring , great store of drops do rise . This is a signe or token , when to leave the second time , He is too blame that leaves to drinke , before he see this signe . The third , and last , most certaine token when thou oughtst to leave , Which is a signe infallible , it cannot thee deceave ; Is , when the wine is all drunke out , and now the pot is drie ; Then is it time to pull it from thy mouth immediately . It is meere folly , at thy mouth the empty cup to hold , Although the cup it selfe were made of pure Pannonian gold . When thou from out the cup hast suckt each drop of wine at last , Vpon the middle of the boord , its good the cup to cast , That both thy neighbour may perceive it voyde of wine to be , And also know , that he therein should foorthwith follow thee . Vnlesse thou doost thus , there will strait arise some wrangling brawle ; But with thy most couragious hand thou oughtst to quiet all . They will not thinke that thou alone couldst empty such a cup , Vnlesse before their face they foorthwith see thee drinke it vp . Then to the vittailes yet remaining fall with might and maine , And out of every dish , beginne to snatch the best againe : For why , sweete meate dooth nourish vs , and store of Bacchus wine , If that we vse to take them oft , a little at a time . And as thou eatst t is very good great bits of bread to cut , Which thou maist plainely feele , as they into thy mouth are put . For little birdes indeede , the meate must needes be minced small , Lest eating great bits , they offend their tender throate withall . But valiant men in this case , from all feare should stand aloofe , Which have a throate that s thicke and hard , and a well temperd roofe . When with thy knife a peece of houshold bread thou meanst to cut , Be sure thou cut not there , where other men their knives have put , But cut thou on the other side , perchance thou there maist meete With such a crust , as to thy dainty taste will proove more sweete . From whence to have a care to cut some sops thou maist be bolde , Which having cut , within thy hand be sure them fast to holde , To dip them in the fat of well spicde pottage ev'ry whit : Or at the least one end of them , I count it very fit . Which being done , t is meete thou shouldst devoure them all in haste , Vnto thy throate this cannot choose but be a pleasant taste . And having gnawd them , now and then to sop them there againe , Will surely bring great store of praise , of profite , and of gaine . To speake full mouth'd , if for thine vse it necessary bee , Rather than I le forbid it , I le perswade and counsell thee . For why , if often thou it vse , it bringeth mickle gaine , Which vnto thee by this example I will proove most plaine . Demosthenes his eloquence o're all the world is knowne , Who of that famous cittie Athens was the floure alone ; A great impediment from perfect speech his tongue did holde , So that in pleas he could not as he would his minde vnfolde . Wherefore he diverse sundrie meanes devised in his minde , Whereby for his imperfect speech a remedie to finde . Within his lisping mouth he store of little stones did set , Which , as he walked by the sea side he did dailie get . He had a double fight ; the first to tame his lisping tong , Which warre , vnto those little stones he suffered to belong . For letting alwaies store of stones within his mouth to bee , He thought at length , when they were gone , his speech would be more free : The second was , he strivde to make his voice be heard the more , By speaking then whenas the sea most boistrously did rore , That so he might indure the peoples tumults and their cries , If any such amongst them while he pleaded should arise . Without such foolish trickes as these , thou soone shalt doe as well , If thou wilt carefully give eare , to that which I shall tell . In steede of hard stones , thou thy mouth with bread and meate shalt fill , And rowling that within thy mouth , shalt full mouth'd speake thy will . And with thy shreeking cries excell the drunkards loftie voyce , As did Demosthenes excell the Oceans roaring noise . When thou art almost full , the strangers deedes beginne to marke , Thou hadst no leisure to such trifling toyes before to hearke . And all those deedes , which from thy manners seeme to goe aside ; My counsell is , that thou in scornefull sort do them deride . Be sure to carpe at all thou canst , and scoffe at all thou may ; And store of faults ( though sometimes false ) on others neckes to lay . If thou espie anothers knife , which on the backe dooth lie , As if the edge lookt to the heav'ns , or to the starry skie , Against it presently be sure the backe of thine to strike , All that beholde it will this prettie jeast applaude and like . Some men will tell you presently , from hence how many mile It is to Rome , by counting on your knifes edge all the while , I doe not much mislike this custome , follow it alwayes , And sure I thinke you cannot chuse , but merite store of praise . And yet although I give you leave to others it to vse , I would not wish , that in this sort my knife you should abuse . For if you do , at sometime I your kindnesse shall repay , And punish you as you deserve , for this your craftie play .

Of devouring , laughing , vomiting , and others civilities at the Table . Chap V. THer are moe precepts that might prove thee clownish tricks to have At supper ; and that thou ne're knewst , such maners as are grave : But by that meanes , my labour and my care would be too great , If in this place I all thy sundry dueties should repeate . Although I had the skill which Ovid had in making verse , Yet could I not , as it deserves , each sundrie thing reherse . But yet , ( although thou of thy selfe , arte better learnd than I , To teach thee some few needefull things , I will presume to try . That small time which thou spendst with me , thinke it not spent in vaine ; For in that little time perhaps thou maist great profite gaine . Both yong and old , both men and boyes , behaviour learne of me , Since that the sliding time for no mans cause prolongd will be . To throwe downe pots vpon the table , filld vnto the brimme , So that each thing vpon the same in Bacchus iuice may swimme . Long custome an continuance , at length , to passe hath brought , That in these daies of ours , it must no fault all be thought . Oft times , when yong men would be counted pleasant , I have seene At that same instant , when their harts full light with wine have beene , That they with good bread would their vnprovided fellowes hit , And eke with meate , which they into their hands could closely get . They doe reioyce their youthfull hearts with such bad kindes of play , Whereby they may the lingring times the sooner drive away . I oft have seene such men as were in yeeres , and counsel old , Which thought no shame to patronize such faults , to be so bold : What shall the yonger men commit , whenas they daily see Such filthy faults , by old men in their feasts maintaind to bee . I dare not be so bold as vnto olde men rules to give , Because their age doth priviledge them , as they list to live . But yoong men , if they will attend , may quickely learne of mee , What manners seemely at their feasts , and what vnseemely bee . The bread ( as each man knowes ) dooth vse to have a double crust , The one whereof , in purenesse needes excell the tother must . The bottome crust is burnt , and full of ashes and of durt , There can no good be found , in such vnsav'rie crust , but hurt . Wherefore , observe the counsell which thou shalt receive of me , With good advise , and men will thinke thee wondrous wise to bee . From off the whole loafe for thy vse , that crust be sure to cut , On which there are no burnt spots , by the scortching oven put . For by this crust , your body from much loosenesse keepe you may ; And , if the laske doe trouble you , this will it quickely stay . But if the crust without the crumme you dare not cut for shame , Although I thinke your shamefastnesse will never get you fame : And you had rather in that place more mannerly to be , Then have a care that crust and crumme be tooke alike of thee . Although if in my perfect paths thou take delight to treade , And hearken to my verse , which thee to honesty shall leade , Not cutting any off , without respect , thou all shalt eate , Both good & bad , both foule and cleane , both crum and crust is meate : The greedy panch is also filld with ashes , coles , or durt , Wherefore to cut these from thy bread , it is both losse and hurt . It is a wondrous gift of God to men that mortall are , If that which they with paines have got , with paines they eke can spare : Or if thou likst not this , because thou knowst that at this time , Thou at anothers table and anothers cost doost dine : Then care not , for t is easie at anothers boord to live , In this case thou most freely without any losse maist give . If any durt sticke on the bread , which may offend thy teeth ; Of any tastelesse bit , which not vnto thy tongue agreeth : Cut off a thicke peece , crust and crumme , which thou away maist throw : Or on the barking hungry dogs , in friendly sort bestow , Or chop away that dirty crust which on the loafe did lie , It s pretty sport to see the chippings what a way thei 'le flie . Perchance thei 'le fall into their eies which at the table sit ; This cunning tricke agrees vnto their humors very fit . In divers places , divers meates with Almond syrrope swimme , Others are filld with taste-delighting sugar to the brimme . Next , melted butter is a sawce fitting a dainty messe : And also grapes , which have great weight indured in the presse . Or , some such sawce to grace the cates , as fine as heart can wish , Do commonly , wherese're you dine , swimme round about the dish . I spying these , vpon my trencher , foorthwith did them sweepe , This was an order which my mother alwayes bade me keepe . And having got them , strait into my belly did them send ; Yet ( as I can remember ) they did never me offend . If that you thinke these manners will not to you hurtfull be , My counsell is , that you in this , example take by me . It sometimes fals out vnawares , as you your vittailes eate , Into your throate , there slips a bone together with your meate : Which either makes your loosened teeth to smite against your gumme , Or stops the way by which your meate into your throate should come . What meanst thou man ? why dost not thou prevent this hurt no more ? Why seekest thou no meanes , thy halfe lost life for to restore ? Take counsell of thy hands , and holding ope thy mouth with one , With tother , pull from out thy jawes that hurtfull sticking bone . Or having pulld thy teeth out , lay them on a trencher by , And then the bone will fall from forth thy jawes immediately : Though others like it not , in no case thou must it refuse , Such modesty as hurtfull is , no wise man ought to vse . And when with store of meate your stomacke is refresht at last , Strait catch the full filld pots within thy greedy hands with haste . Then having set the pot before you , ope it presently . And lest my counsell should be vaine , I le give my reason why ; Those vapors which are in the cup may thus exhaled be , Which else perhaps might have beene hurtfull to thy braine and thee . Then with the cup in this sort open thou a while maist sit , And talke an houre or two , this practise cannot be vnfit . Thus listning to thy talke , of liquor none perhaps will thinke , And then as much as thou thinkst good thou all alone maist drinke . At length beginne with pleasant lookes thy pleasant lookes to tell , And bragge that thou in hearts-ease doost all men alive excell . The merry minde , by store of laughter , will it selfe bewray ; The world affoords no better thing , then merry life this day . Wherefore be sure that thou of laughter doost at all times thinke , Whatse'er you do , whether you worke , play , sit , stand , eate , or drinke . You so should somtimes laugh , that meate , which in your mouth doth lie , Might sodainely from out the same into the platter flie . And let it flie , I count better that it should doe so Then that it stop that aire which should into the windr-pipe goe . There can be found no perfecter and straighter way to death , Then for to stop your throat with meat , which strait wil stop your breath But now the time drawes nie , wherein the servant haste must make , That he the cloth and all things else may from the table take . If then all hunger is not from thy stomacke put away ; Make speedy haste , it is not good to make the least delay . Into thy stomacke while thou maist , thrust store of meate and drinke . Time staies for no man , then of Time t is good in time to thinke . Both eate and drinke so much , that thou both drunke and filld maist bee , Till when , nor rest , nor quiet must be looked for of thee . And if of hickets , or of sobs thou vse to vtter store , They both are signes which future vomites vse to goe before . Let not the newnesse of the thing seeme beastly in thine eies , But boldly make all those which hinder thy proceedings , rise . And casting that which with thy queasie stomacke not agreeth , Returne vnto the table , having slightly washt thy teeth . And being set , take care againe to fill thy belly straite , And in the rowme of all that s gone , thrust in another baite . Nature her selfe which made all things , cannot indure that wrong , That any thing that s vnder heaven should thus be empty long . But , if thou hast not time to rise thou hast such wondrous haste , Vnder the table thrust thy head , and there beginne to cast . Heere let thy stomacke cast vp all which in the same doth sticke , Which will be welcome to the dogs , they will it kindely licke . In briefe , vpon the table thou maist boldely cast thy fill , If any thing is in thy stomacke , that dooth make thee ill . Nay , if into the very dish , thou shouldst thy vomit cast , There 's none so hard , but yet I thinke hee 'd pardon thee at last . Nor is it like that vomites should vnto them filthy seeme , Which doe all drunken gluttony as vertuous deedes esteeme . Yea , some there are ( I know them well ) which will no stranger love , Vnlesse that he be drunke indeede , by certaine signes he prove . Wherefore all drunkards will commend thee , if as thou doost suppe , To proove thee drunken , all thy supper thou wilt vomite vp ; Thou shalt both please the guests , and him , which hath invited thee , And thou the onely credite of that pleasant feast wilt bee . For , by thy vomiting thou shalt perceive it was good wine , Which by thine hoste was giv'n to thee , and to those friends of thine . The guests next morning shall have something to their friends to tell , And thou from all that drunken crew shalt beare away the bell .

Of the washing of the hands after supper , the second tables , and what is fittest to be done among the maides . Chap. VI. WHenas the cloth is tooke away , and every pleasing baite , Cleane water for to wash is set vpon the table strait . Slouth is a vice ; then , lest thou shouldst be slouthfull , it is best To thrust thy hands into the bosome first before the rest : Then wash thy face and mouth whenas thou thinkst the time most fit , And water all thy nostrils with the pleasing deaw of it . When thou hast washt , then let the water for thy fellowes stand , Which is made fowle enough already by thy dirtie hand . Let married wives wash after thee , though beautifull they bee , And though the virgine be so fine , yet let her waite on thee . Cleane water from thy filthie hands , will wash the dirt the more , Than that which hath with dirtie hands , been dirtie made before . Yet oftentimes , you many men shall finde to be so neate , That thei 'le not touch the water first , vnlesse you them intreate . They looke that others should beginne , and when the rest have done , Then thei 'le beginne to wash their hands , and to the basen come . As thus they stand , ( well meaning men ) desiring to be last , Be sure that thou good store of water , doost vpon them cast . Take water in thy hand , and cast it boldly in their face , Sprinkle it in their eyes , their head , or any other place . That s all the good , which by their manners they shall get of thee , T' will make them that another time , they wiser men will bee . Amongst a sort of honest folkes , one tride this tricke of late , But sped not well , for all the harme returned on his pate . For thinking certaine wives , with water thus to circumvent , They by their craftie fore-sight , did his policie prevent . He scarce could ope his eyes to see , the water stopt them so , And all his brisly beard , with store of water streames did flow . He being thus disgrac'd , and loth thus basely there to yield , Presumed rather to proceede , then thus to loose the field . He tooke the bason in his hands , and from him stowtly threw , As well the bason as the water , mongst the female crew . The strangers all laught merrily , at this so suddaine hap , And every man and woman there beganne his hands to clap . Or whenas none to put his hands in first , dares be so rash , But every man lookes when his neighbour doth beginne to wash , Because such gravitie , doth to the guests great credite get , And each man thinks such pompe as this , is for his credite fit . If these their manners do from washing them , too long detaine , Thou maist before the rest , great store of praise and credite gaine . If seeing no man all this while , beginnes to wash his hand , Thou suffer not the water , longer in that place to stand . Why should the river water , basely thus vsurpe that place , Which was preparde , a better liquor farre , the wine to grace ? At length , perchance a banquet to the second boord is brought , The best place heere , lest some prevent thee , must of thee be caught . Those iunckets which are best of all , thou oughtst to snatch vp first , He that comes last into the dish , may chance to finde the worst . Turne round the dish on every side , till thou hast found the best , And having found them , snatch them without shame before the rest . If that you thinke that Nature serves all creatures from one well , You are deceivde , for things in goodnes other things excell . The divers differences made among mens mindes that live , Is not in vaine , since carefull nature divers gifts doth give . But God himselfe of masters vse having a speciall care , Provideth greater gifts to give , to them that masters are . That thus each man in his degree , might thus distinguish these , And every man might choose those things , which best their humours please . Vse iudgement then , and let no rashnes in thy deedes be spide , And for thy selfe from out each dish , the sweetest bits provide . It is not needefull that from apples , thou shouldst pare the skinne , To do that which may needelesse seeme , thou never shouldst beginne . That so thy meate receivde , the better may concocted bee , The paring of the greenest apple , must be eate of thee . For if too long in paring of thine apple , thou shouldst stay , The rest which in the platter lies , will soone be snatcht away . And when from forth the dish , to take another t is thy minde , Thou art prevented of thy purpose , thou not one canst finde . Therefore , as long as any bit is left , cease not to eate , Thou shalt not every day perchance , meete with such daintie meate . Have still a care to leave no bit behinde you when you rise , For if you do , your host will thinke that you his fruit despise . He did not therefore set them on , that you should them refuse , Then if you leave them thus , your carefull host you shall abuse . If when thy selfe art filld , there still some iunkets do remaine , To beare them in thy sleeve , vnto thy house thou shalt be faine . If thou hast any children there , thei 'le be a welcome thing , Thei 'le call thee loving father , if such knackes to them thou bring . Though thou no children have , no dammage can sustained bee , That which they should have had , till thou art hungry keepe for thee . To cracke thy nuts , thy teeth may serve , vnlesse thou rather love To breake thy knife , then such a luckelesse hard attempt to prove . I oft have seene strong sturdie clownes , which with their bended fist , With one good blow , would cleave a nut as quickly as they list . The shells would flie against the pots , and into strangers eyne , And often times would make the pot halfe crackt , to leake the wine . Meane time , while this their strength was very much admirde of mee , Because I thought them surely full of fortitude to bee . I in another place , a sort of lustie fellowes found , Stamping vpon their nuts , and picking them from off the ground . Thou maist of both these follow either , onely spare thy knife , Lest being conquerd by a nut , it chance to loose its life . The shell vpon thy neighbours trencher , thou maist kindely set . And by that deede of charitie great credite thou maist get . Thy credite thou maist save , and prove thou hast a loving heart . And giving so much to thy friend , that thou no glutton art . The companie thereby may know thou art no greedie guest , But thou canst barre thy throat from meate , whense're thou thinkest best . Perchance while thou art eating , thou amongst thy meate maist finde Some bit , or rather that agrees not to thy daintie minde . Whether thine apple , rottennes within it doth containe , Or little creeping wormes , within thy peares or nuts remaine : Of such like peares and nuts as these , give to thy neighbour store , Am I deceivde ? or did I teach this prettie tricke before ? When being full , at last thy stomacke doth these cates forsake , Then finde out something else , wherein thou more delight maist take . If that a maide a prettie cheerefull maide do sit thee by , A maide which hath a bashfull looke , but yet a rowling eye . Vse many sawcie gestures to her , many sawcie words , Such pleasant youthfull age as thine , such youthfull sport affoords . Nor can there any thing , make women like thy talke so well , As if thou vnto them , doost store of ieasts and trifles tell . And touch those partes , wherein their greatest ioy doth vse to stand , Into the virgins bosome eke , be sure to thrust your hand . And with thy fingers touch the paps , of the delightfull maid , And let thy tributarie kisses , to her lips be paid . Or if some ring or jewell , thou vpon thy finger beare , Or else some golden copper chaine , about thy necke doost weare . Or hast a silke sowde garment on , in shew and colour light , Or any other thing , wherein thou seemst to take delight . By all the drifts and meanes thou canst , be sure to shew her these , Commend thy selfe , and thou thy selfe beginne thy selfe to please . She cannot choose , but strait be ravished with the love of thee , And casting all things else away , or ever thine shee 'le bee . Yong maides before all other things , do shining clothes approve , And glistring gold , will presently procure a virgins love . Oft times with sighes , tell her that thou till death her servant art , And privately before her view , lay ope thy fainting heart . And that she may perceave , that you for her do daily pine , As privately as may be , touch her tender foote with thine . What though she frowne ? yet drinke vnto her oft at supper tho , For by this meanes you shall perceave , whether shee 'le yeelde or no. If at the last she pledge thee kindely , then the truth is knowne , Follow thy suit , ne're give her over , for she is thine owne . In briefe , of modestie thou needst not have too great a care , But do those things , which to thy nature best beseeming are . All faults committed , cloak'd and hid by drunkennes may bee , If thou be drunke , the greatest faults are not vnfit for thee .

Cries and tumults after supper , going out , and bargaining for next nightes supper . Chap. VII . BVt when at last ( which cannot choose but grieve thee at the heart , ) The tender damsell with her mother , homeward doth depart . What busines wilt thou then devise , the lingring time to spend ? Lest this so long prolonged banquet , should thee much offend . Why this : to those that talke , be sure thy listning eare to lay , That thou the better maist observe , each private word they say . What though they whisper secretly , their private selves among ? Yet maist thou listen , to thy profite it doth much belong . For why , perchance thy neighbour had some hurt of thee to speake , Then by this suddaine comming , this his purpose thou maist breake . Concerning whatsoe're they talke , be sure thou them molest , Thus privately to talke at dinner , fits not any guest . In briefe , whats'ere is said or done , while they at dinner are , To make thy selfe a partie in it , thou must have a care . In every place , such store of worthie talke be sure to finde , As may be most agreeing to thy praise-deserving minde . Or , if which loves to talke alowde , among the rowt there 's none , Then t is thy dutie ne'rethelesse , to talke alowde alone . In lowdest sort with shrieking cries , a noise thou oughtst to make , That all which do behold thee , may by the example take . Of sundry kindes of words , thou needes must have exceeding choise , If ( as thou doost professe , ) thou hast a Rethoritians voice . The time will passe , while thou art ripping vp anothers fault , This is no vice mongst them whose wits are over-come with mault . But if thou shouldst approve of such a filthy fault as it , That thou shouldst be my scholler , I could hardly thee permit . For why amongst the wicked sort , thou wouldst accounted bee , All which , for ever must be banisht from my booke and mee . Mary to count your owne ill deedes , I like it very well , And give you leave with cheerefull voice , your former faults to tell . By this you divers men shall finde , which get immortall praise , By setting to the publike view , their owne disorderd waies . Or if thou art ashamde of this , ( though I no shame commend , ) Then learne at last this meanes , whereby the lingring time to spend . Raise store of strife and wrangling words , concerning trifles small , If any thou canst finde , which will vouchsafe with thee to brawle . With lowdest voice , hold some opinion which thou thinkest best , What though thy cause be bad ▪ yet let thy voice exceede the rest . Vse thou the lowdest voice thou canst , lest if thou shouldst be still , Thy neighbour should have audience , to do and speake his fill . If any man intreate thee in more quiet sort to talke , And not to let thy tamelesse tongue , so freely there to walke ; Then boldly with a wide mouth , into lowder speeches breake , Thy tong is free , no reason then but freely thou shouldst speake . And alwaeis ( though whatse're thou say be very false and vaine , ) Yet have a care , that thou thy purpose constantly maintaine . Yeelde thou thy captive hands to none , to none be counted weake , Affirme that no man but thy selfe , one word of truth doth speake . But if some stowter adversarie , scornes to leave the field , Or for thy thundring great bravadoes , scornes an inch to yield : This great reproach in any case , thou maist no longer beare , But if thou art a man , thy vaunting threatnings let him heare . In rage and choler leave the table , furiously depart , Bid none farewell , tell no man to what place thou going art . For by this meanes , the companie will stand in feare of thee , And every man will say , that thou the Conquerour shalt bee . Or if thou canst not thus defend thy selfe , by force of word , Then looke that at this pintch , thine hand some helpe to thee affoord . With naked sword , confirme both true and false , both more and lesse , Without all faile , this cannot choose but aide thee in distresse . Those arguments , wherein thy craftie foe would thee involve , Thy naked sword and broken pots , may serve for to dissolve , If this thou scorne , and idlenes doth not thy fancie please , Because a banquet ought not to be posted off with ease ; Vpon the table cut a marke , that it may tell thy fame , And let ingraved letters plainely shew the makers name . So future ages by oblivion cannot thee disgrace , For every man may know , that thou didst banquet in that place . Or on the chimney with a coale , draw forth thy picture well , Which picture vnto future ages , will thy wisedome tell . But all this while , I would not have thee to forget thy drinke , But making greater haste thereof , with carefull minde to thinke . When having drunke each drop of drinke , thou leav'st the tankard drie , And thou perceavest that thy frind must have it presently : Before thou give it him , thou oughtst to have a speciall care , To see , that with thy hand thou wipe the brimmes , which moistest are . For why , your hand is alwaies cleaner then your dirtie lip , Because in purer water oft , you vse the same to dip . Sometimes great store of foaming froth , vpon the cup doth stand , Which t is thy part to wipe away , most boldly with thy hand . Then presently , thou oughtst as much as ere thou canst to drinke , Or else to give it to some friend , whom thou most fit doost thinke . And if vpon thy neighbours head and face , the froth thou spill , For my part , I will not be hee that shall account it ill . Some laughter thou shalt move thereby , some profite thou shalt take , Or ( which thou canst not misse , ) thou shalt some neighbour angry make . Some men with swelling cheekes , within the pot do vse to blow , It is not hurtfull though thou learne , this prettie tricke to know . For when the windes have leave , to wander from their strongest cage , The aire is oft infected , by their boistrous rumbling rage . If any such infectious things , within the pot do lie , Thy searching breath , will bring it into light immediatelie . As thou art breathing , if thou chance to spit into the same , I know no neerer way , whereby to get renowne and fame . When every man is hard at drinke , I count it very naught , To leave one drop of that , which may be drunke at one good draught . Philosophers in all their actions , count it verie vaine , For that which may be done at once , to take a double paine . Wherefore drinke off the glasse , and fill it fresh vnto thy hand , And for thy private vse , vpon thy trencher let it stand . And pledge thy friend , once , twice , and thrice , and when he dares againe , Yet never doubt that any losse , thou shalt thereby sustaine . The sooner thou art drunke , by taking of the grand carouse , The sooner thou in reeling sort , maist walke vnto thy house . To leave that crew , and go to bed , nere make thou any haste , Vntill the clocke doth prove , that mid-night long ago was past . And though you see that this your stay , from rest your host doth keepe , Yet stay the longer , that you may detaine him still from sleepe . Yea , though for Gods sake he intreate you from his very heart , Yet tell him flatly , that you scorne so quickly to depart . And if you heare that any man is gone vnto his bed , Because that wine had long before ( poore man ) possest his head . Then have a care , that from his bed you straitway call him backe , And make him come perforce , although his garments he do lacke . And then beginne afresh , great store of strongest wine to take , And drinke it off , therewith thy selfe more pleasant for to make . Then breake the pots and windowes all , this cannot much offend , For this next day , the glazier shall have something for to mend . And make him in that glasses roome , thy picture for to place , Most noble men esteeme of this , as of a speciall grace . Each man will looke vpon thine armes , which to thy house doth flocke , And thinke that thou art of-spring of some very worthie stocke . Vpon the benches and the tables , boldly thou maist go : Nay , which is more , I give thee leave all these to over-throw . In briefe , with formes throwne vp and downe , thou oughtst the harth to breake . Before one word of thy departure , thou beginst to speake . But yet be sure in any case , to keepe this in thine head , And have a care to thinke thereof , before thou go'st to bed . To make a league with all thy friends , it is gainefull thing , And such a league , as may vnto thy bellie profite bring . Chiefly , be friends with those which did against to morrow night , Vnto a daintie supper , thee in friendly sort invite . This prettie tricke , with some hath often tooke so good effect , That I have dinde with those , whose kindenes I did nere expect . Faith , when infriendly sort at your house shall we merrie bee ? Or when will you invite to supper , these my friends and mee ? Thus I assaile him , he replies , come all whense're you dare , Yet shall be welcome to such cates , as at my cottage are . To morrow night , if you will come to supper to my house , You shall be sure of meate enough , and eke a good carouse . Forthwith I take him at his word , and give him faith and troth , That I will come , but yet to trouble him , I would be loth , Observe these manners , and heerein example take by mee , And doubtlesse thou to many banquets , shalt invited bee . But if another in this sort , do likewise thee assaile , Be sure to promise nothing , and he cannot thus prevaile . Tell him when thou wouldst have him come , he shall be calld of thee , But now because of other things it cannot fitly bee . At this time ( sir , ) of certaine businesse I have mightie haste , And yet I know not certainely , how long the same will last . Of say your wife at this time cannot all things fit provide , Because a kinde of sicknes , makes her in her bed to bide . Say that she now as patient , in Phisitians hands doth live , That they to her a strong purgation , tother day did give . Tell him , that now a certaine laske her bellie doth offend , But that you hope ere long , her phisicke will her bodie mend , And then both hee and other friends , shall all be welcome thether , You le finde a day ( no doubt ) ere long , to laugh and quaffe together .

How to go home after supper being drunke , what tumults to raise in the way , and at home before you go to bed , and how to behave your selfe the next day . Chapter VIII . WHen every thing hath hapned thus , according to thine heart , Beginne with doubled showts and shriekings , homeward to depart . You neede not stay so long , as of your friends your leave to take , Nor need you thanke your host for that good cheere which he did make . For why your host , whenas he verie drunke doth you behold , To keepe you thus against your will , dares hardly be so bold . You neede not stay to know your shot , or what your vittailes cost , To morrow morning you may know such trifles of your host . It is his dutie for to tell you , what you have to pay , If you perceave that he deferres it , quickly slinke away . And walking home , be sure to make great clamors in the streete , That every man may know where you have beene , that doth you meete . Be sure that not a neighbour neere thee , thou permit to sleepe , But with thy stirre , thy neighbours from their rest have care to keepe . Mis-call one neighbour , and provoke another vnto fight , If that thou hast within thee , either courage , heart , or might . Those quarrells which amongst you have a long time beene forgot Recall afresh againe , when you have tooke the tother pot . And when hee comes to tame thy tongue , or else to trie thy might , It is thy fairest , presently to take thy selfe to flight ; Lest in his mad-braind furie , he should split some tender veine , And thou thereby great losse of blood and danger shouldst susteine . It oft falles out , when by a veine the blood thus fast dooth runne , The man is forcde to droope and faint , and life is almost done . The man that would with clubs & stones his neibors window strike At midnight when the doores are fast , I would not much mislike . This also would I have thee doe , for those that drunken are , Concerning sober life and manners neede not have a care . But if whenas thou sober wert , this fault thou should commit , To be mine Auditor , I should not thinke thee verie fit . Committing this , if thou the cittie watch encounter can , And they commit thee to the Counter , th' art an happie man . Thou shalt be safe from all thy foes , thus lying in the gaole , Their greatest malice cannot in that place gainst thee prevaile . What though the Sunne be ne're so hote ? it cannot burne thee tho , Thou shalt be safe enough from raine from haile , and eke from snow . But if thou be so luckie that thou chance to scape the watch , And no man for these knavish prankes dares venture thee to catch . At length , when thou with knavish trickes hast filld thy longing hart , By waking of thy neighbours all , then to thy house depart . And learne what store of bouncing clamours at thy gate to make , And in what gentle sort thy carefull wife thou oughtst to wake . First have a care , that with so great a noise thou vse to rappe , That all which heare thee , may suppose it is some thunder-clap . Nor take thou rest , vntill the gate be broke in peeces small , Because it was not opend to thee , when thou first didst call . Then if at length thy wife be forcde to come downe in her smocke , Thinking ( well-meaning soule ) with speede the doores for to vnlocke . And with a , welcome home good husband , doth thee entertaine , Because she plainely sees , that thou art in thy drunken vaine . To quite her kindenes , with thy fingers give her boxes store , And as her carefull haste deserves , be sure to beate her sore . And store of thundring word to word , and weightie blow to blow , Is this the care shee hath of thee , to entertaine thee so ? Three things , a nut , an asse , a woman without store of blowes , Will nere be fit for any vse , for so the proverbe goes . Wherefore , that she the better may thy future charge respect , Severely for this negligence , thou oughtst her to correct . And yet this vse is fitter farre for men of Ciclops race , Which in Sicilia vncoth harbours have their biding place . He which in beating of his wife , without desert doth boast , Because he would be thought a valiant man , and rule the rost ; Those markes and limits which I did appoint him , doth surmount , And sure I thinke , a wicked man I may him well account . Before thou go'st to bed , be sure so great a stirre to keepe , That all thy servants be constrainde , to rise from out their sleepe , One servant thou with thundring threates , and wrangling words must chide , Another must both brawling words , and weightie blowes abide . All that which every man hath done , while he hath dwelt with you , Now being over-come with drinke , you must againe renew . That thee , they as a master may , both honour , love , and feare , And tremble at each word , which from thee to proceede they heare . Then at the last , give leave vnto thy drowsie pate to sleepe , When all is still , and thou canst finde no greater stirre to keepe ; And being laid , there take thine ease as long as ere thou will , But in such sort , as thou be sure the bed with ( ) to fill . Thus may thy maids have sheetes to wash , to hold them worke next day , Lest thou for nothing to such idle maids shouldst wages pay . And when next day you from your bed beginne to rise at last , Which must not be vntill that noone , and dinner time be past . When by your sleepe your store of meate is all digested quite , And all that store of liquor , which you drunke but yesternight : Then being readie , to some neighbours house you ought to walke With him , vntill your wife provide your dinner , there to talke . There drive away the lingring time , in eare-delighting chat , Long talke procures an appetite , then have a care of that , And that his favoure thou maist get , and be a welcome guest , With readie wit , thou oughtst to vtter many a pleasant iest . Recall to minde all that , which by you yesterday was done , Whenas your sences all , with beere and wine were over-runne . If any man last night , was too much over-come with drinke , And in the morning of the same , he not one whit dooth thinke . It is thy dutie , which didst note his manners yesternight , To publish it before his friends ●nd bring it all to light . Which thou repeating , some will laugh , others be mov'd to wrath , Each man will take it sundry waies , as he his nature hath . Nor whem thou art amongst thy friends , thou shouldst it faultie thinke . To brag , that after supper thou took'st greatest store of drinke . It is a credite thus to brag , my head was then so light , That it could hardly guide my feete , to finde mine owne house right . Although they all were prettie well , yet no man found could bee , Which did not in that drunken art , yeelde cup and kanne to mee . It can be no discredite , but a praise and same , to say , That thou in drinking from the rest , didst beare the bell away . Or waking iust at noone , in haste vnto thy wife depart , Demanding of her meate and drinke , to comfort vp thine heart . But first of all , a draught of burnt wine , would do very well , All giddines and aches this will from thine head expell . Which having drunke and eate a bit , vnto thy bed repaire , And take thy rest vntill thy wife , thy dinner do prepare . When all is readie , then I thinke to rise it will be time , To recreate thy fainting corpes , with meate and pleasant wine . And when each dish and pot , is sorted to his pointed place , Then ( as it is a womans dutie , ) let thy wife say grace . To tell those trickes , which were by thee committed yesternight , How farre thy tongue and minde did stray , from reason and from right . What railing words and weightie blowes , of thee she did sustaine , I thinke a reasonable volume hardly would containe . Shee 'le tell you what by you was broke to whom you offerd wrong , And of your trickes , will make a storie of an houre long . If this her talke delightes thee not , but doth thy wrath increase , Charge her , on paine of thy displeasure , strait to holde her peace . If then she leave , be thou content , if she proceede to say Her pleasure , scorning this thy friendly warning to obay : Then catch whatse're thou findest neere thy hand , in rage and haste , And at the varlets head be sure with might the same to cast . T will teach her in thy presence that her prating tongue to hold , And as to speake before her husband , not to be so bold . More counsell , but for tediousnesse , I vnto thee might give , Although I know , that of thy selfe in order thou canst live . If I most common things can tell , I therewith am content , All sortes and kindes of manners to declare I never meant . Thou for thy selfe maist divers good examples soone devise , Which cannot be misliked much in country farmers eies .

How to entertaine , vse , and send away those guests which you have invited . Chapter IX . IT is thy parte sometimes some guests vnto thy house to call , Lest men should thinke thy house is naught , or thou hast none at all . Or lest some picke-thanke which dooth greatly at thy good repine , Say thou thy neighbours drinke doost love , but no man tastes of thine . And when to come to dinner , you your neighbour doe intreate , Take heede lest this ( you shall be welcome ) you too oft repeate . And so departing from them , for their vittailes take no care , Because you hope that none will come , you nothing need prepare . If any come , whose paines and company you do not lacke , This pollicie may serve to bid him from your house to packe . It may be as a friend to supper I did you invite , I scarce can thinke my selfe so fond , but I was drunke that night . If any words which then I spoke in drinke , were over-heard , Since they were onely words and winde , you must not them regard . The pot-mate dooth offend , which much regard of wordes doth make , That which I spoke in iest , you should not thus in earnest take . Or that thou maist excuse thy selfe , into this humour breake , That then thou being drunke , in bragging sort those words didst speak ; For credite sake , a man may oft in publike say that thing , Which after no man can enforce him to effect to bring . Or say , if now you heere should dine , you could not merry be , For I am sicke , you cannot have the company of mee : The beere I dranke hath raisde such store of vapours in my braine , That I perswade my selfe that I shall never drinke againe . Or you may lay the fault vpon your curst and crabbed wife , Which over-rules you so , that you are weary of your life . Wherefore , intreate them heartily at this time to depart , When you are well , they shall be welcome all , with all your heart . But sometimes to your kinder friends , more love you must affoorde , And for their welcome , set a few small dishes on the boord . But alwayes you must have a care , as long as ere you live , To spend but little coyne , on those things which you meane to give , Why shouldst thou for an other man , such costly dinners make ? There are but few which will to their house , thee to dinner take . If iust at supper time they there vpon thee will attend , Then bid them welcome , if they came not , for them never send . I see no reason , that to any thou shouldst send a man , To pray him for to make all haste , which possibly he can . There is no reason on they guests such service to bestow : A cause why I this counsell give , I presently will show . If thus for him you send a man , his comming for to grace , Hee 'le thinke he credites you , to come to such a clownish place . Nay which is more , hee 'le thinke that you to him beholding are , And for your cost , to give you thankes , will have but little care . Deferre the time for no mans sake , but if a while he stay , Regarde him not , fall to your meate , and let him keepe away . As soone as ere the meate is ready , downe to supper sit , And fall to such things , as thy wife thinks for thy supper fit . Let those which linger , either loose their supper , or their place ; And yet they are not offerd , either wrong or much disgrace . What reason had the foole ( I pray , ) no greater haste to make ? It was his owne fault ; for thee , as he brewd , so let him bake . Or when the pointed time is come , give charge to locke the doore : Let no man enter that comes late , he should have come before . Be sure that thou to no man doost , the doore once shut , vnlocke , But either let them go their waies , or still stand there and knocke . If thou perchance doost let them in , then give them neither meate , Nor water for to wash their hands , nor scarce a cleanly seate , T is likely they at home had water , ere they came to thee , And tooke their ease before , lest comming they should wearie bee . Command thy maid to sweepe the house , when every man is come , Lest they should thinke it was not swept , they ought to see it done . When every man is come , and doth his supper long exspect , Beginne to make it readie then , and till then it neglect . Take thou no care at all , to place or order any guest , But give free leave to every man , to fit where he thinks best . And then thou shalt be sure , that none can well of thee complaine , Though by the lowest roome , some wrong he chance for to sustaine . For feare the cates which thou hast bought , should any man offend , It is thy dutie , every dish most highly to commend . Tell them from whence they came , and what a mightie price they cost , What paines you tooke to get them first , and after , them to rost . And tell them how they boiled were , how many sundry waies You vsde therein ; in briefe , neglect not any kinde of praise . And that they may the deerer seeme , bid them themselves to prove , And they shall hardly get such meate , for mony or for love . Then will they like the dishes highly , and commend the taste , Perceaving that so cunningly , thou them commended hast . And yet I would not have thee counsell any man , to feede Those which are hungry , of a prompter have but little neede . But being full , they cannot fall afresh to meate againe : For being full , to counsell him to feede afresh , is vaine . To eate thy meate against his will , thou no man oughtst to make , It is sufficient , if he but by thee example take . As for thy selfe , be sure thy teeth be wagging still apace , This is the onely cure whereby thine hunger to deface . They which to meate , by thine example are not mov'd at last , Let them depart with emptie guts , a Gods name let them fast . If thou vpon thy neighbours trencher , needes some bit wilt place , Thou oughtst to do it warily , lest thou thy selfe disgrace ; That which thou meanst to give , thou oughtst thereof to taste a bit , Thereby to know the better , if it for thy friend be fit . By this meanes , thou the perfect taste thereof thy selfe maist know , And iudge thereby , if thou on such a friend maist it bestow . To give cleane trenchers to the strangers is a needelesse thing , Whenas thy servant to the boord , the second course doth bring . They ought to turne their dirtie trenchers , on the tother side , And wipe them on the cloth , which for that vse thou didst provide . Why should you let your servant such great paines in vaine to take ? He may do other things , while he the trenchers cleane should make . When all is done , and they have eate as much as ere they will , Be sure as fast as they can drinke it , store of wine to fill . If any man in drinking , seemes to take too long an ease , Then for his lingring , punish him according as you please . Make him perforce , to take whatse're thou requisite doost thinke , In quaffing make him follow thee , and after thee to drinke . And being drunke , refuse not to fall out with any man , Vse railing words , and speake as lowde as possibly thou can , If any one that s drunke , of naughtie words doth give thee store , First beate him well and thriftily , then thrust him out of doore . There is no sence , that in thine owne house he should thee abuse , Especially since all therein thou as thou list maist vse . I thinke to come againe in haste , he will have little list , If once or twice in this sort , he hath felt thy weightie fist . But if thou dare not strike him , having of thy selfe a care , Because the strangers then thy folkes , a greater number are . Yet breake such store of ieasts against him , as thou best doost like , Whenas thou maist not with thy fist , be sure with tongue to strike . If any man offended be , that thou so pleasant art , Command him strait in angy sort , thine house for to depart . Why should such frowning angry fellowes , thus disturbe the rest ? Because forsooth that onely he mislikes such pleasant jest . Thou maist be merry with the rest , when he hath left thy house , Onely regard that every person take the grand carowse . With yron bolts and barres make fast the doores with thine owne hand , And have a man which at each doore vndauntedly shall stand . Let no man passe , vnlesse their fingers force he love to taste , Although he give to thee a reason why he hath such haste . This is a pollicie , by making them endure this paine , There will be few that wiil be brought to sup with thee againe . And let an empty chamber pot vnder the boord be put , That every man may there vnloade his bladder , or his gut : What though they chance to doe the last ? it is not much amisse , This vapour a most pleasing smell vnto your nostrels is , According as your neede requireth , cast out presently From foorth a casement , all which in the chamber pot did lie . If thy companions out of it some wine should foorthwith drinke , A man might say and sweare , that they were merry men I thinke . As long as thus their greedy paunch with meate and drinke is fed , Were it all night , I thinke not one would thinke vpon his bed : Whenas the day starre ginnes to leave the Ocean , not before , Commaund thy Porters at the last to open every doore , When thus the day is victor of the darkesome parting night , Then every man may finde his house , not needing any light . Sleepe all the day , though all the rest from rest by worke are kept , Thy wine will all be gone by night , if thou all day hast slept . Vse this a while , and when in riches other men doe flowe Thou ( t is the sweetest life that is ) a begging still shalt goe : Though many men a carefull and a painefull life doth please , Yet , if my counsell thou wilt follow , live thou still at ease . This store of pinching labour , often makes our ioynts the lesse , And too much care , with great affliction dooth our hearts oppresse . Yet oftentimes when many men have tooke this paines and toyle , Before they can obtaine their wish , they oft receive the foyle . God graunt me onely that which for my neede I shall desire , And I will take no care at all , nor further wealth require . Honours and goods , two things whereat the multitude hath cought , Have oftentimes the keepers of them , to destruction brought : Wherefore , if you be wise , imploy your good whenas you may , Lest having store , you cannot vse it , if you make delay .

The end of the second Booke .

THE THIRD BOOKE of auntient Simplicitie of Behaviour .

The order of this Booke , and behaviour at an honest feast , in eating brewesse and crab-fish . Chap. I. THose precepts which within my former books I did include , Which cannot hurt thee much , although they make thee somewhat rude . Have certaine bonds in every place , thou maist them not commit , But with some caveats , for certaine times are onely fit . But now into the surging seas , my sailing ship is borne , It now will take a larger course , if it may scape vntorne . Helpe , helpe , ( friend Bing , ) which in Apolloes eyes doost gratious live , That by thine aide , I to the vulgars these my lines may give . Draw neere I say , and helpe my ship these surging sulkes to passe , And make my course as swift , as if a Pegasus I was . You can conduct me with a calme , and very quiet winde , To aide at least my fainting wit , let me that favour finde . A few more precepts to the former , in this place I le adde , Which vnto those that love Simplicitie , cannot be bad . My selfe in reasons paths I cannot very well containe , For Modestie and Reason , they no whit to me pertaine . Those things to which blinde Appetite doth leade vs , I must tell , Which without tediousnes , before I could not have done well . Once more vnto my Cuckoe notes , lend thine attentive eare , Whose're thou art , which simple manners doost desire to heare ; Expect to heate that kinde of life , which fittest is for thee , You cannot in that art which you professe , too cunning bee . I doubt not but that store of manners fitting to thy minde , If carefully thou reade this booke , thou in the same shalt finde , I know , the practise of my precepts will thee homely make , If in the daily vse thereof , thou any paines wilt take . All kinde of manners for all ages will not fitting bee , Then have a care , that divers sorts be mingled well by thee . From hence , and thence , and every place , good manners thou must get , And mix them with thine owne , and make them for thy purpose fit . I do not thinke it is your dutie for to have a care In what place , or amongst what men , your manners vsed are . Whatse're it is which can thy life and manners much commend , To get the same , it is thy dutie all thy force to bend . Thou needst not have another master , learne of me a while , I le teach thee trickes , a thousand craftie marchants to beguile . Stand you to no mans iudgement but your owne , when you offend , Simplicitie will in thy greatest danger thee defend . He which is made at other beckes , in other steps to treade , Regarding not his future haps , a wretched life doth leade . It may be thou vnto some place , as guest invited art , Where thou amongst a sort of worthie men , must take thy part . When every daintie dish , to which an appetite you finde , Is plac'd and all things set in order , to your daintie minde , Cast shame afide , and into most vnseemely speeches breake , Thy tongue is free , why maist thou not at all time freely speake ? All sence and pining care , thou oughtst to banish from thy breast , And boldly snatch such meate and drinke , as fits thy fancie best , With shrieking cries and sundry clamors , pierce the loftie skies , Refuse not any thing , that seemeth pleasant in thine eyes . For when you in your neighbours house , at sportive banquets sit , To have a care of modest manners , is not very fit . If any man in dinner time permits his tongue to walke , Presuming with a pleasant speech , of loftie things to talke ; Beginne as gravely as the rest of weightie things to tell , And have a care , that all the rest in wrangling thou excell . This custome vnto great preferment will thee quickly raise , For this thy quicke and readie wit the strangers will thee praise . To be more wise then thousands more , thy neighbours will thee deeme , No better meanes there is to prove a man of great esteeme . There is no fitter time to speake ; for when the wine is in , It addes great eloquence , whereby much credite you may win . Perchance the Cooke doth to the boord a messe of brewesse bring . Which doubtlesse to the stomacke is a very pleasing thing . Then take the broadest smoothest spoone , best fitting to thy minde , And to that dish before the rest beginne a path to finde . The neerest way that I can tell thy bellie for to fill , Is , heape thy spoone so full with sops , that it perforce must spill . As much as will suffice thy turne , at one time thou maist take , Concerning toyes , it is not good such restlesse toyles to make . All that which in thy spoone at once , thou from the dish didst fetch , At one time thrust into thy mouth , although thy jawes thou stretch . If any sop amongst the rest doth seeme to lacke some sault , Most carefully by this meanes thou maist quickly mend that fault . First fill thy spoone with store of fat and grease-besmiered crust , Which done , into the salt-seller be sure the same to thrust . Or ( which if thou will boldly do , will for thy credite make , ) With all thy fingers for thy vse , thou salt enough maist take . For sure it is impossible , that meate be tasted well , If salt be wanting , which alone all rancour doth excell . A Crab-fish is a dish agreeing to your stately minde , Which if at any time , vpon the table you shall finde , The smaler and the leaner , vnto strangers you must leave , Your hungry stomacke from the great more comfort shall receave . Yet thinke not that the great , are alwaies best of all to eate , This may deceive , for why the small sometimes excell the great . Then , that the good ones , from the bad , you may the better know , Observe this rule , which alwaies will the finest fishes show . Vnder their tailes have care to looke , if any egges you finde , You neede not doubt , they are not hurtfull to the nicest minde . Eate these thy selfe : but if no egges can there be found to bee , Suspect their goodnes presently , they scarce are fit for thee . Thus scorning them thy selfe , vnto thy friend thou maist them give , By those things which thou scornst to eate , thy poorer friends may live . Or having searcht them thorowly , take better vp at last , And in their roomes , be sure those bad ones in the dish to cast . Keepe not the finest fish , if of the fore-tolde marke it faile , It is not wholesome , if it hath not egges within the taile . My counsell is not , vndivided fishes to devoure , Because I thinke , the very foote would hold you tacke an houre . To sucke vp all that s in their bellie would do prettie well , Those parts I thinke will serve thy turne , which are within the shell . As for the taile and fore-parts , you some corner must provide , It is a most convenient place , to keepe them by your side . That so , when every bit of fish is from the platter gone ; Yet thou maist have those fore-parts still , when all the rest have none . And by this meanes , thou all the rest in eating shall excell , To take this counsell of a friend , will oft do very well . Fore-fathers , therefore calld this fish a kinde of waiting meate , Because when every man hath dinde , you ought the same to eate . A certaine fellow tride of late to put this tricke in vre , But sped not , for a stranger present would not it indure . This merrie stranger , ( as he was much giv'n to merriment , ) Devisde this plot , whereby the tothers craft he did prevent . Seeing the fishes fore-parts by this craftie knave to stand , Before the tother was aware , he caught them in his hand . I pray sir , what the cause ( quoth he , ) that you these parts refuse ? To make the most account of these , we country fellowes vse . The fore-pars of this fish were wont in great esteeme to bee , What though they be refusde of you ? they shall be likde of mee . Thus having said , he broke the meate and made an end of it , And vnto him from whom he snatcht it , would not give a bit . Therefore it is more wisedome , in some secret bag to hide Both taile and fore-parts , which thou for thy stomacke didst provide . For then thou shalt be sure , that none can from thee snatch thy meate , But at thy house , or where thou please , thy selfe the same maist eate . Not onely this , but any thing that s pleasing to thy gut , In secret sort , thou for thy private vse therein maist put . If this mislike thine host , which to his house did thee invite , Tell him he was to blame , to place these dishes in thy sight . He is not wise , that will despise the gift of any friend , If thus he do denie thee meate , why did he for thee send ? I do not love at any feast , to shew my selfe so prowde , As to refuse that meate , which by my neighbour is alowde . Nay , sure it is my custome rather , like a thankefull man To rid mine host of all the meate , that possible I can .

Notable waies of drinking , and such behaviour as must be observed at your departure . Chapter II. SOmetimes your host vpon his guests , such liquor will bestow , As in a private vineyard of his owne , did lately grow . If by the smacke , you finde the fruite was of a naughtie vine , And therefore not agreeing to so nice a taste as thine . Be sure this naughtie wine , forthwith from off the boord to fling , And bid the Tapster for your drinking better wine to bring . If he replies , it is of gift , it nothing shall you cost , Tell him for this , small thanks are due to such a pinching host . If for the wine alreadie drawne he seeme his coine to crave , Aske him the reason , why such customers such tappings have ? Aske him , if coine be nowadaies so lightly got , he thinke ? Or is it meete , that silver should be paid for naughtie drinke ? But if perchance to dine with thee , thou hast invited some , Or else like men that lacke their suppers , they vnbidden come . It is thy parte to give to them the basest wine thou hast , Such wine is for this purpose best , as lackes both strength and taste . Perchance some one among the rest will better wine demand , But it may breede both hurt and losse , to doe as they command . Who knowes their purpose ? if they meane the shot receiv'd to pay ? Or thinking not to pay for this , would scot-free parte a way ? If all the things which they have yet received naughty were , Thy losse will be the lesse , and thou the better maist it beare . If better wine thou give , thei le heape carowse vpon carowse : But give them weaker wine , and then thei le soone departe your house . If vnto any friend of yours among the rest you drinke , Take off as much at once , as well will quench your thirst you thinke . Vntill the man to whome you drunke have pledgd you to the full , Permit him not in any case , the pot from mouth to pull : Though he protest before them all , that he is scarce so strong , As while he drinkes a beaker dry to hold his breath so long . Yet , will he , nill he , both by words and blowes thou shalt be faine To make him drinke it off , that thou thy purpose maist attaine . But if he chance to shrike and crie , as loath to be controld , And force perforce do what you can , his first intent will hold . In raging fume put foming wine into some empty cruse , And powre it downe his necke , because he did your love refuse . Vse this but now and then , and sure he will not be so nice , But that heereafter he will pledge his friend , once , twice , and thrice . In selfe same sort , a certaine fellow once did me abuse , He would not pledge me , wherefore I this selfe same tricke did vse : I got a famous lawrell bough , for my deserved praise . Whense're I vse such simple trickes my lucke is such alwayes . Whenas the store of vapours which the foming wine did make , Are got into thy sacred wit , and there possession take . Whenas thy sense-bereaved tongue doth stamring speeches yeeld , And when the minde dispoild of wit , to vice hath lost the field . Then is it time from foorth your heart to banish carke and care , And eke to proove by lofty laughters , that you pleasant are . Deferre no time , it is not good on trifles long to stand , Take pot or glasse filld full with wine , which holding in your hand , Beginne a full carowsing draught , vnto some friend to drinke , Who for his skill in drunkards art , dares pledge you as you thinke . The drinke and eke the brickle glasse , although it cost a groate , Together you for fellowship , may send into your throate . Though sencelesse brutish creatures , void of reason and of wit , ( For aught I ever heard , ) did never such a fault commit . Yet some there are , ( O times , O manners ! ) men of wealth and might , Which in such filthie crimes as these , do take their chiefe delight . Thinke nothing vilde , thinke nothing base , or vn-beseeming thee , Which may by men of welthie callings , patronized bee . All that which other men have done , presume to do the same , If thou desire by deedes of worth to get immortall fame . Though other men perceaving these thy sencelesse crimes , refuse By treading in thy wicked paths , the selfe-same faults to vse : Yet must you not in any case , scorne any wicked deede , But constantly , you must in vices further still proceede . Command a boy to bring a pot which hath a bottome wide , Which fill'd , another neighbour to assaile you must provide . When you are drunke , it is a credite stoutly to refuse Those narrow slender-bellide pots , which sober you did vse . Command such vn-accustomed vessells to be brought to thee , That at the first draught with the same , thy thirst may quenched bee . Ere you proceede , you ought to fill the bason full with wine : Which done , you strait must send it downe that rav'nous throat of thine . And after that , with carefull eye looke over all the house , What other vessells you can finde , wherein you may carowse . Pots , buckets , caldrons , frying-pans , according to your minde , As also kettles , barrells , pitchers , doubtlesse you shall finde : Then shall you finde cups , kans , and tankards , jackes , and bottles blacke , Such necessarie tooles as these , your neighbour cannot lacke . All these , ( if for your purpose them you requisite do thinke , ) Bring forth of hidden holes , in them your pleasant wine to drinke . If none of these you there can finde , and yet you lacke a cup , Out of a dirtie pis-pot , you may drinke your liquor vp . And yet I would be very loth that you should drinke to mee , That beastly vessell is not fit for any man but thee . Amongst that rout , can none be found that will you kindely pledge ? Because they all have drunke too much , do they a scuse alledge ? Then may you freely brag and boast , that you the victor are , And from the rest that leave you off , the laurell you shall beare . Yet would I not , that you are yet proclaime your victorie , But counsell you before you do it , onely thus to trie : Provide a funnell , ( fie , t is shame such trifles for to show , Me thinks so wise a man as you this tricke before should know , ) Which you to set within their gaping mouthes , must be so bold , If you perceave they are so drunke , that they no pots can hold . And by the funnells helpe , have care to liquor every frinde , Which having finisht , of your challenge you may make an end . At length , when you with meate have stopt your hungry panches cries , And eke with store of wine , have almost drunke away your eyes ; You neede not stay , to give your neighbour thanks with all your heart , But when you please , not taking leave , you homeward may depart . When you depart , beginne to raile and quarrell with your host , Let that be all the thankes that you repay for all his cost . First blame himselfe , and afterward beginne to blame his meate , It was not fine enough for such brave men as you to eate . Raile at the Butler , for his not providing better drinke , Finde fault with any thing whereof you presently can thinke . Each thing was farre too base , for those which dined in the place : Then let them all perceave the markes of anger in thy face . You hop'd that with a greater banquet , he would you receave , But all your hopes were vaine , your purpose he did quite deceave . I would have scornd for such a banquet to have left my doore , But that I thought of daintie meate , we should have lackt no store . What though indeede you had no cause , so many faults to finde ? Yet speake as constantly , as if you spake it from your minde . Thus having griev'd with angry words , your carefull host at heart , If you have nothing else to do , you homeward may depart . And if the morrow after , this your vexed host you meete , That you may both be friends , you ought most kindely him to greete . Or if you please , with ieasts beginne the simple man to mocke , To make m●nds for yesternight , make him your laughing stocke . Tell him , you never gave him cause of anger , you protest : If he perchance mislike your words , you spake them all in ieast , What can he do ? for shame , he cannot blame the iesting vaine , Vnlesse he be too currish naturde , hee 'le be friends againe . That very houre of all his quarrell he will make an end , And thinke you , as he did before , to be his very friend . Perchance vnto a daintie supper , he will you invite , With this your wittie iesting humour being conquerd quite .

How to spread and suffer scoffes and ieasts , farting , spitting , answering to questions , and looking into other mens letters . Chap. III. SOme men there are , which in their actions count it alwaies best , To spread abroad among their neighbours many a biting iest . And therefore vse to carpe at faults , which other men commit , By this meanes thinking to declare their merrie iesting wit . But as for you , although your neighbours nose be nere so great , Yet ought you not his name with naughtie speeches to intreate . If any man makes iests of you , to keepe his wit in vre , I give you leave to speake your worst , you must not this indure . Let him by certaine signes perceave , that thou canst angry bee , I thinke if he perceave thee mov'd , hee 'le hardly scoffe at thee . If he proceede , and into greater flowting speeches breake , Rather then you will still be wrongd , thus boldly to him speake : Whenas my father lackt a foole wherewith to sport and play , That so , the better he might drive the lingring time away ; After he many meanes had tride , at last he found out mee , That I to banish all his carefull thoughts , a foole might bee . So sir , if you would have a foole which would your iests abide , My counsell , is that you some foole on purpose do provide . If thus you take vp every flowter in his iesting vaine , It s very likely , few or none will iest at you againe . If any man with gifts of mony , thinks thee to abuse , Accept such iesting , so that he this custome do not vse , Refuse no kinde of iests , which may commoditie procure , Such flowtes as bring , or gaine , or profite , you may well indure . And yet , although some profite by their iests you beare away , It is your dutie word for word , vnto them to repay . Those men which you in loving league , have tide vnto your heart , From love of you till you have vext them , let them not depart . With store of sugred promises , their humours you must feede , And tell them you will succour them , if ere they stand in neede . But yet I would not have thee such a simple foole to bee , As to performe all that which hath beene promised by thee . To every man you ought most kingly promises to give , But never to performe the same , if you in peace would live . And yet , if you in weightie causes do your friend deceave , It is a precept which of me you never did receave . When you at dinner mongst a sort of honest men do sit , Or wives and maids , the last whereof is for your purpose fit . If you have neede , from forth your griping bellie let you winde , The scent whereof , the guests will quickly in their nosthrills finde . And lest the strangers should perceave that you have done amisse , Be sure to cry before the rest , fie , what a stinke is this ? Affirme , that in the tender virgins all the fault doth lie And strait a red and blushing colour will their faces die . Those which offend , have commonly this colour in their face , When guiltie men beginne to blush , it is a signe of grace . Or if a little dog be me , be sure the same to kicke , As if that his perfumed taile , had causde this beastly tricke . By this meanes your decreasing credite you may finely save . And others shall have that reward , which you deserve to have . That noisome smell without offence the guests must vndergo , Because that none but you do certainly the father know . Sometimes there from the liver comes an humour like to snot , Which either riseth from some cold or surfet lately got . This divers men with hauks and hems , will from their stomacke bring , And keepe it on their tongue , as if it were a pretious thing . And in their mouth this fleamie stuffe , they love to rowle about , A prettie while before they will beginne to spit it out . What profite by this beastly tricke they get , I do not know , But in my iudgement it doth make a very seemely show . Although if some should see this tricke , their meate they would refuse , Yet this I thinke a reason is , for which they should it vse . Though ne're so often in my sight this tricke should vsed bee , Yet sure it should be counted for a welcome sight to mee . And as for my part , I could wish , if I might have my minde , That I at dinner , store of snot within your mouth might finde . Suppose your father or your master doth some question aske , Or else some stranger calls you , which would set you any taske : Be sure that you vnto their questions answer not at all , Vnlesse your father or your master , twice or thrice do call . Make answer then , as if from sleepe they then had wakned thee , But such a one , as to their question may no whit agree . If they demand your answer when you scarcely are awake , You needes must answer foolishly , because you did mistake . When you of certaine weightie matters purpose for to tell , Observe this methode , which will serve your purpose very well . You must not talke in foolish wise , nor must your speeh be short , The longest tedious tatling tales , will make the finest sport . That you may seeme in Rhetorike all others to excell , Of sundry trifling toyes you ought a tedious tale to tell . In any case your proeme must an houre or two indure , In which , your auditors good wills you onely must procure . If you no subiect have , whereof your future speech to make , It is no matter , you of mee may store of subiects take . The Romane battells and the credite which they got in fight , And all the worthie souldiers names and noble deedes recite . The great exploites of Hanniball and Carthaginian warres You may repeate , and eke the cause of Troyes vnhappie iarres . Or of the starres and heavenly bodies you a speech may make , And shew from whence the world its first originall did take . Thus having opend all their eares , of trifles make an end , Beginning at the last vnto the purpose to descend . If any man among the rest doth interrupt thy talke , Against him in this railing sort , permit your tongue to walke . And art thou not ashamde , thou foole of manners most corrupt , So great a man as I , so boldly thus to interrupt ? Where were you taught into such shamelesse boldnes for to breake , As not to keepe your tongue in awe when wiser persons speake ? If thus your bold presuming friend you vse to entertaine , You cannot choose but store of praise and credite you shall gaine . If any man be reading letters which were to him sent , Although to tell the secrets vnto you he never meant . To stand behinde the readers backe you ought to have a care , And reade them o're as well as he before he be aware . Vnto the King of Macedon , Ephestius calld by name , A certaine friend of his presumde of late to do the same . It was his custome alwaies boldly to commit this thing , Yet he continued in the love and favour of the king . And sure I thinke that no man can thy sawcie boldnes blame , Although in immitating him you should performe the same . Though some men thinke this vse a most vnseemely vice to bee , Yet sure it rather for a vertue shall be thought of mee . Those learned mens examples which have liv'd in former time , Will plainely prove that this can hardly be so great a crime . Did not old Tully all his country most entirely love ? As when he was in Rome a Consull he did plainely prove . To greete his friends with carefull letters he did daily vse , And yet to print them every one he never did refuse . Then why should these our letters which are baser farre then they , From all mens sight and publike view be closly kept away ?

Behaviour when you enter into other mens houses , going into hot-houses , or baths , divers coloured parted coates , the adorning of the beard , the vse of papers and bookes , entertaining your friends , and other such like civilities . Chapter IIII. DIvers there are which of their credite such account do make , That they without advise and care will nothing vndertake . If they vnto an honest neighbours house invited are , Softly to knocke before they enter they will have a care . And though the doores stand open , granting entrance vnto all , Yet is it not their vse to enter in before they call . That so their neighbour of their comming may fore-warned bee , Lest he should have some secret which he would have no man see . Thinking to seeme well nurturde men by often vsing it , And I confesse , for honest men it is a custome fit . But if vnto a neighbours house you purpose for to go , You neede not take , or care , or paines , to frame your manners so . If any gate stand ope , rush boldly in vpon your friend , The very name of friendship may from boldnes you defend . If thus you should not make a noise but enter suddainely , Something perchance which he would have vnseene you should espy . You may procure great store of mirth by entring boldly in , By giving warning of your comming you his love shall win . If you into a sweating bath or hot-house chance to come , Whether you onely are a stranger there , or knowne to some . If you be chill , to runne vnto a furnace be so bold , That so you may both from your hands and feete expell the cold . Then presently be sure to put your shooes from off your feete , In spite of which ( vnhappie man , ) the cold did with them meete . Which having done , against the fire prepare your feete to warme , That by this meanes you may eschew the colds outragious harme . To put your hose and breeches off , is sure a pleasant thing , I do it not mislike , because it will great profite bring . Suppose the aire ( as oft it hath ) hath some infectious smell , Which will disturbe your temperd braine , though it before was well . That pleasant smell which from your hose and breeches doth proceede , Will quite expell that other smell to helpe you at your neede . Which having done , the tothers place this will possesse and vse , Because the tother did your sence and smelling much abuse . By this meanes you the aires vnwholesome smells may soone prevent , This new-found smell will stop the strongnes of the tothers scent . Thinke it a trifling thing to labour all men for to please , He which regardeth all to please , can never live at ease . Since none is found so good that he can every man content , It is thy best to displease all , this labour to prevent . Why shouldst thou strive to make thy selfe to all mens humors fit ? It is a toile which cannot choose but farre exceede thy wit . It is in vaine against your nature foolishly to strive , He which attempts impossibilities will never thrive . At length , when you are forc'd the furnace and the bath to leave , Then you of me your trustie friend this counsell shall receave . That you from all ensuing harme may keepe your tender feete , If you heereafter should with frost and pinching coldnes meete . Thrust store of straw into your shooes to keepe your feete from harme , The straw which lies within your shooes will make them very warme . And yet vnlesse you put it so that it may all be seene , T 'had beene as good , that in your shooes it had not placed beene . This good example , whosoever feareth future cold Will immitate , and for a fruitfull precept will it hold . If any tell thee that to leave thy clownish life t is best , And for thy plaine rusticitie beginne at thee to iest . Such iniuries as these , if patiently thou suffer can , For my part , I shall hardly thinke thou art a valiant man . If thou canst hardly mend thy selfe , for thou no weapons hast , ( Although t' were good , if thou at him a dagger strait wouldst cast . ) Forthwith it is thy dutie into raging words to breake , Although no weapons you may vse , yet freely you may speake . Those whom you sharply reprehend in such a raging fume , Heereafter to abuse you thus they hardly will presume . I once before forbade thee any scoffings to indure , And will inculcate it to keepe thee in the better vre . Thy garments having divers colours better please the sight , All men in these our daies do in varietie delight . Nature herselfe in divers things doth sundry colours vse , To follow such a guide as Nature do not thou refuse . The man which followes Natures rules , lives happily they say , If such a perfect guide you follow you can never stray . Of such a perfect guide be thou an immitator too , For she will teach thee what is fit in every place to doo . If you with carefull minde the heavenly Raine-bow do behold , You shall perceave how many sundry colours it doth hold . Consider well the formes of plants , the wings of birds which flie , And all those pretious jems which in the Indian lands do lie ; And you shall finde that all of these in colours do abound . And all things else which Nature for the vse of man hath found . Also , your garments into divers peeces for to cut , Is nowadaies in great account and estimation put . This must before all other things be vsed oft of thee , If thou wilt harken to my verses , or my scholler bee . Like some vnwise and sencelesse blocke all men will thee deride , Vnlesse thou vse thy hose and dublet finely to divide . But if in curious manner you your garments vse to teare , So that vpon your bodie you no perfect peece do weare . A man of noble birth and linage you may quickly seeme , And all your friends to be a man of credite will you deeme . Or else you will be thought to be a man of Mars , his rowt , Such men in such apparell vse to march the streetes about . Vnto what place soe're you come , it is a mightie grace , To have a frowning countenance and eke a crabbed face . Ne're laugh at all , but then when you some dolefull fight have found , As some vnluckie mastlesse ship , in danger to be drownd . Those men which do your mourning lookes and countenance behold , Will thinke that weighty matters do from smiling you with-hold . So every man that sees you , will vnto you honour give , Supposing that in honest paths and gravitie you live . Perchance in publike sort some publike matters acted are , When every man both yong and old doth meete together there , And then beginnes some clarke to reade the statutes all alowde , That every precept may be markt , of all the present crowde . At all such publike meetings , thou must also present bee , To heare the newes , although perhaps it not concerneth thee . If to regarde those great affaires you neede not have a care , It is your duty to disturbe all others that are there . Devise some boystrous sports and playes which thou approovest best , And with thy shriking cries , be sure to countervaile the rest . Let thy delight be placde in making others to be staid , Lest they attentively should hearken vnto what was said . This also cannot choose but purchase most deserved grace , To have a beard beset with brissels , hiding halfe your face . Or let vpon thine vpper lip , a great muschatoe bide , Which oft will hinder you from opning of your chaps too wide . By which you oftentimes great help and profite may receive , You know my carefull counsell never yet did you deceive . Perchance within the dirty pot some filthy thing doth lie , Which by the narrow mouth thereof you hardly can espie . Your brisly beard and long muchatoes will its passage stay , When otherwise the filth would by your chin have scapt away . The wines bad hue , those haires wil change which on your lips do grow , So that the pure wine onely will into your bellie flowe . Besides , those dirtie rotten teeth , which in your mouth have place , As oft as you with laughter gap'd , would breed you great disgrace , But that your beard to hinder this , a meanes will soone provide , Which hanging over both your lippes , your teeth will quickly hide . If ever you have cause to speake of any weightie thing , Your beard vnto you presently will praise and credite bring . Which hanging downe vpon your breast , you gravely ought to stroke , And make a stop at ev'rie sundrie word , which you have spoke . This in such sort will for thine honour and thy credite make , That all which see thee , for a grave and wise man will thee take . If thou at anie time doost write a letter to thy frend , Because thy purpose and intent thou vnto him must send , To keepe the same from blots and blurres I holde it verie vaine , It is no hurt , although the same with store of incke you staine . The man which in such trifling things such labour will abide , Forgets the meanes whereby his owne perfections for to hide , Vnlesse your arte and cunning alwayes hidde and cloaked bee , What things soe're you write , shall hardly be beleev'd of mee . And that your friend more carefully may keepe within his minde , Those things which in your loving letter he dooth written finde , So carefully your penne and inke to vse you shall be faine , That all your paper you be sure with store of blots to staine . In selfe same sort you alwaies ought to vse the finest booke , Although another kindely lent it you thereon to looke . If anie friend that dwells farre off , or kinsman of your owne , Come to your house , which vnto him most perfectly is knowne . In any case you ought to have a speciall care of this , To tell him , not too often , that he very welcome is . For if he chaunce to finde , that he so welcome is to thee , It may be feard his often comming troublesome will be , Yet ev'ry time he comes , be sure to give him so much wine , That being drunke he neither know , what is his name , nor thine , In better sort an antient friend you cannot entertaine , Then for to give him wine , vntill he spew it vp againe . When he begins , at last , to be desirous to be gone , And therefore both his bootes , his cloake , his sword and all is on , Permit him not in any case so soone to part away , But though he earnestly request you , make him longer stay ; Whether he will or no , constraine him more and more to drinke . This is a sure and certaine pledge of kindest love I thinke . Concerning such things as are fittest when you goe to bed , In this my Booke in ample sort I should to you have read . But if I all occasions offred should presume to take , I should such store of matter find that I no end should make , Remember like thy selfe in all thy actions for to bee , And thou shalt finde that onely they are rules enough for thee . From taking either sleepe or rest , be sure the rest to keepe , When thou perceav'st that thou canst hardly set thy selfe to sleepe : If any sport thou canst invent thy fellowes to abuse , Because it will procure thee praise , thou oughtst the same to vse . As soone as ere thy shooe is tooke from off thy stinking feete , Thy nosthrills with a most vnwholesome savour it will greete , Which savour , if into the braine it chanceth to ascend , It is incredible how much it will the same offend . Wherefore , if thou wouldst be supposde a wittie man to bee , Have care to set thy shooes a great way from thy bed and thee . Be sure to have this cunning tricke within thy craftie head , To let thy shooes be alwaies set before anothers bed . And let the smell which comes from thence , anothers nosthrills fill , Lest such a stinking savour should procure thee any ill . More store of rusticke practises I vnto thee would give , Whose're thou art which doost according to my precepts live ; But that I see that sleepe at this time rather is requir'd , Because thy members all for want of rest are almost tir'd . Wherefore , I grant vnto thee leave to part vnto thy bed , On it , without , or care , or feare , to rest thy sleepie head . Meane time such good examples to set downe I will proceede , As thou maist alwaies immitate whens'ever thou hast neede , From which when you have slept enough , such precepts you may take , As in your future words and actions for your purpose make . In all my course which is to come , I nothing else will tell , But those things which may ev'ry day of you be vsed well .

Sundrie sorts of civilities at the Table . Chapter V. NOt long ago there at a wedding was a costly feast , To which , a certaine stripling was invited as a guest ; Wherefore his start-vps on were put , besmiered all with durt , What then ? you know a little mire can do but little hurt . To put a spurre vpon his heele he also had a care , To make his horse go faster that he might be sooner there ; And yet do what he could , of all the rest he latest came , Because his palfray in the hinder leg was somewhat lame . As soone as he was lite , vpon the boord he found the meate , And every stranger by the Bride plac'd in his proper seate : For haste he durst not stay , from off his heele his spurre to take , Nor yet to put his start-vps off , he then such haste did make . But running to the boord with both , his comming for to grace , A certaine honest maid vouchsafde to grant to him her place . It was his fortune next vnto another maid to sit , Although of such vnlookt for kindenes he was farre vnfit . Forthwith a fat and tender hen before his face was set , That he although he came too late , his part thereof might get . He being scarce a skilfull man in carving of his meate , Scarce knowing what was best to leave vntoucht , and what to eate ; Presumde to take both legs and wings which in the platter lay , Lest leaving them behinde him , they might chance to flie away . The carkas he vpon the virgin thinking to bestow , By great misfortune chanced on the ground the same to throw . For which he forthwith blusht for shame ; but thinking mends to make , Beganne to stoope , from off the ground the carkas for to take . But out alas he let a fart which made a grievous scent , As he by stooping downe too low , too much his bodie bent . For which his fault , he being sorely vexed at the heart , Leaving his dinner , presently he purposde to depart . As he was climing o're the boord his spurre the cloth did teare , And hung so fast , that with him he was forc'd the cloth to beare . Those pots and platters which as then vpon the table stood , And all the candles downe he cast in this his hastie mood . Besides , ( more haste , lesse speede , ) as he departing was away , The tablefull of pots and glasses forc'd him for to stay . The which with all the other things which on the same he found , Thus being over-rulde by rage , he cast vpon the ground . As he was going out of doores , he with a servant met , Which had another dish of meate vpon the boord to set . Thus running headlong on his way , by chance against his will , He made the servant all the meate vpon the ground to spill . In this sort at his neighbours wedding having plaid his part , He got vpon his halting jade and homeward did depart . Although by practising these prancks great profite you may make , And for your present purpose out of them example take : Yet must he not be numberd mongst the vulgar multitude , Because that he ( good man , ) was more vnfortunate then rude . And at a certaine other time it chanced to betide , A neighbour for his speciall friends a banquet did provide . When every one had tooke his place , there was among the rest , A gentlewoman , and a man of worship at the feast . The stranger as he was a man of manners very grave , In friendly sort a Carps head to the gentlewoman gave . She thinking well of this his offer , tooke that daintie meate , Beginning of the same according to her minde to eate . She scornde to search the head , or ev'ry corner to pervse , Because she never knew the meate , she did the same refuse . Each part for to anotomize she thought it mickle paine , Especially for that , from which she did exspect no gaine . Wherefore she vnderneath the table cast the daintie head , Supposing it was meate wherewith the dogs might all be fed . When this the womans foolish deede the stranger did behold , Not able longer to forbeare , to chide her he was bold . From off the ground the head which she refusde he first did take , And then in angry sort vnto her in this manner spake . And are you not ashamde ( you foole , ) such follie to commit ? It greeves me much to see that you should have so little wit . This head I as a speciall favour did on you bestow , And not to that intent that on the ground you should it throw . Though thus to open it your selfe you would not take the paine , Yet had it beene your part to have restorde it me againe . She being overcome with shame , no words at all replide , But lest she should be mockt the more , was forc'd her face to hide . Iudge whether of the two seeme better mannerd vnto thee , Or whether of the two mislikte or praised most shall bee . A Cittizen did on a time with feasting entertaine A mightie Prince and Potentate , with all his pompe and traine . Who comming , was receivde with such store of stately cheere , As if his pallace it had beene , nothing was thought too deere . Great store of daintie flesh and sundry sortes of costly fish Were sent vnto the boord ; there lackt not any princely dish . The man suspecting lest his Princes favour he should loose , From forth the dish among the rest the finest fish did choose . Which thinking on the Princes trencher hansomely to lay , The fish by great ill lucke from forth his fingers slipt away . But ere it came to ground , his slipper with the same did meete , A slipper blacke as jeate was on the entertainers feete . Whence having tooke it , it vpon the Princes trencher laid , And that his fault might seeme the lesse , these words to him he said : Yet take it ( gentle Prince I pray , ) the fall did it not hurt , You know my pantolfe was cleane and not besmirde with durt . Beleeve me sir , my servant lately clensde it with a cloth , I put it on e'ne now , to hurt you I 'de be very loth . These words he said , and earnestly the Prince he did intreate , To pardon this his small offence , and fall vnto his meate . Another time a gentleman of worship and of fame , To dinner to a Princes table by inviting came . The Prince because he thought of him a speciall care to have , In friendly sort a peece of daintie meate vnto him gave . The stranger being finely nurturde wondrous haste did make , The Princes kinde and loving proffer speedily to take , But by a great misfortune he could hardly hold it well , So that into a cup of wine vnluckily it fell . And as with all the haste he could , he striv'd to take it thence , His trembling hand did adde vnto the first a great offence . For he with shaking , all the cup of wine did over-throw , So that both bread and meate vpon the boord in wine did flow . With store of blushing purple colour , both his cheekes were dide , He was so vexed for his fault , that he his face did hide . But sure I thinke some angry gods did crosse his good intent , For being farre from clownish fashions , mannerly he meant . But you by his example store of manners ought to take , The vse whereof will you a rude and simple fellow make . That which by great ill lucke against his will he did commit , Thou oughtst to studie to performe it with a willing wit . Those things which you on purpose do , will more your name advance , Then that which you against your will committed have by chance . I saw another , who because his knife was somewhat ill , And would not cut his meate apace according to his will . Not willing for to loose his part this tricke he did invent , Whereby he thought his great ensuing danger to prevent . He tooke from forth the dish the biggest bits that he could finde , And all such daintie peeces as were fitting to his minde , Which having got , to put them vnderneath his arme was bold , Because he thought in such a place more firmely them to hold . From whence according to his stomacke he could teare his meate , Both rost and sod , with tooth and naile , as he desir'd to eate . For finding that his knife in those affaires did often faile , He doubted not but with his hand he quickly should prevaile . But having filld his stomacke , he was carefull to lay downe Into the dish , all which he left , lest he should seeme a clowne . And of his leavings , to his neighbours he would offer part , Requesting that they would accept them e'ne with all his heart . I would not have you thinke , that of my selfe I this do faine , To lie when no man doth compell me , were but little gaine . The rudest things which in my booke I can repeate or tell , At sundry times in sundry places , often have befell . Nay , greedie gutlings have committed many a cleanly feate , Which neither I , nor any other Poet can repeate . Another time the man and master sate at boord together , Because there was a feast , and they were both invited thether . And divers other men of credite were invited there , Which of the Cittie worthy Magistrates and Rulers were . While at the table every stranger curtesie did vse , And every man to carve the rest did earnestly refuse ; Each man with carefull eye , his neighbours gesture did behold , But for to give the formost onset , none durst be so bold . The servant having sate so long his hunger did him teach , To stint the quarrell of his guts , some daintie dish to reach . By your leave now at length , to stay my stomacke I le be bold , For why to tell the troth ( quoth he , ) I can no longer hold . He tooke a peece of daintie meate , thus having to them said , And having tooke it , boldly on his trencher he it laid . Which when his master had espide , to blush he strait began , To thinke that he before the rest should have so bold a man . Vnto his sawcie man he many becks and signes did make , And in a soft and whispring manner many words he spake . That he the meate which he had tooke , into the dish should put , And let the strangers which were better men before him cut . The servant when his masters nods and becks he did espy , Not knowing well the cause thereof or what he meant thereby . Having a gobbet in his mouth which round about he rold , It was so big that in his mouth he scarcely could it hold . He spewd the meate digested all againe into the dish , Thinking thereby to satisfie his masters silent wish . His master frowning more and more for that he did commit , He halfe beside himselfe as in an extasie did fit . Thus having sate a prettie while , he tooke the meate at last From forth the dish , and on the ground he boldly did it cast . For seeing that his master thus some future harme did threat , And every stranger else abstaind from touching of the meate , He thought the meate digested did with poison him infect , And therefore did some suddaine chance of present death exspect . A country farmer came to dinner to a kinsman deere , He was vnto him both by kindred and acquaintance neere : He very glad of his approach great welcome to him gave , Assuring him , that all the cheere that might be he should have , He calls his neighbours presently that they might with him dine , And promiseth that no man there shall lacke for daintie wine . They come , and every man doth take the place which he thinks fit , Except his kinsman which will after all the strangers sit , In briefe , from forth his countrie sheathe his clownish knife he tooke , Which being stainde with houshold bread , did somewhat bluntly looke . Which he espying , strait with spittle did his whittle wet , Supposing that by this meanes he the dirt from thence might get . Then having wipte it on the cloth it shone as bright as day , So that vpon his trencher then , he boldly might it lay , When vnto some the host such bits as he thought best had gave , He bade the rest to carve themselves if they good meate would have . And strait the country fellow in the platter did espy A daintie morsell clad in fat , which by it selfe did lie . He being hungry , snatcht it as a daintie peece of meate , And setting it before him , strait began thereof to eate . His host enforc'd to blush for shame did into laughter breake , And in that merrie vaine , vnto him in this sort did speake . Good vnckle cast into the platter that vnwholesome bit , I pray restore it , for it is not for your diet fit . And which agrees vnto your stomacke , take this peece of mee , Which for your daintie diet I suppose more fit to bee . The countriman replide , good coosen set aside your care , Those cates which I have chose , according to my stomacke are . That meate which next vnto me in the platter I do finde , Although you thinke it ne're so bad , it pleaseth well my minde . I scarce shall finde a sweeter bit in any daintie dish , And were it worse I were content , such choise I do not wish . Which having said , before them all the meate he did devoure , Yet had no hurt at all , the man is living at this houre . Another host by chance at boord mongst gentlemen did sit , A clownish foole which was for such companions farre vnfit . And yet forsooth for all the rest he would a carver bee , Although such neatenes with such clownish life did not agree . He tore the raines from off the meate , a cleanly tricke I trow , And on a man of worship ( as t' was meete , ) did them bestow . He thinking them too good a bit refusde the same to have , And therefore to a man which was his friend , that morcell gave . He likewise offerd to another friend that daintie meate , But none among them all was found that would that morcell eate . At length vnto the carvers trencher they were turned strait , But he suspecting that within them there was some deceit . Halfe angry with them answerd thus , what reason do you finde , That since all others do despise them they should fit my minde ? Which having said , in rage and fume he cast away the meate , That since the men refusde it so , the dogs the same might eate . But now a beastly tale I tell , your patience I must crave , Such things as beastly are , in beastly words you needes must have . There was a gentleman of late was knowne to me full well , But for a certaine cause , his name I list not heere to tell . Him many noble men into their company would take , Because he was a man which many prettie jests could make . With store of bitter biting iests he any man would strike , And therefore merrie minded men his company did like . And when he was amongst a crew whose favour he did love , He many jests would offer , store of laughter for to move . A sort of youths constrainde him on a table for to clime , To make their worships merrie with some eare-delighting rime . About him many flockes of pleasant yonkers did resort , To heare his iests , and try if he could make them any sport . While they were gazing on him thus , he silent still did stand , Premeditating of the matter which he had in hand . At length reiecting shamefastnes , his breeches downe he put , And in the presence of them all he emptied there his gut . Which when it was perceivde of those which on the ground did stand , Each man began to laugh alowde and eke to clap his hand . The gentlemen great store of mony vnto him did give , This was the losse that he sustainde , because he thus did live . Let those men now which have refusde to be accounted plaine , Tell me if clownish manners do not store of riches gaine .

Other civilities in emptying the bladder , vomiting , and other eleganties of behaviour . Chap. VI. THe store of vrine oftentimes doth offer strangers wrong , Whenas they are constrainde to sit at supper over long . And therefore some well nurturde fooles presume to be so bold , As longer then is requisite their water for to hold . But they are sencelesse fooles , their healths and lives to venture so , And for a little manners sake such losse to vndergo . Thou which a wise man art , shouldst cast such foolish care aside , That for thy future profite by thy care thou maist provide . Rise thou in dinner time if thou perchance hast neede to leake , A Gods name let that passage have which would thy bellie breake . If any one among the rest do stop thine enterprise , Although he be thy very friend , yet force him for to rise . Or sitting at the table , if you finde that you are ill , Not fearing any , on the ground your vrine you may spill . All sharpe , severe , and crabbed manners you must now refuse , Which of so many faults do plaine rusticitie accuse . Those things which thou by other mens examples vsed hast , Are iust , thou hast not beene the first , nor shalt thou be the last . A gallant youth which of a worthie linage did descend , Vnto a banquet was of late invited by a frend . Vpon the boord was set such store of taste delighting meate , As when the gods above do Nectar and Ambrosia eate . According to his calling every stranger downe did sit , Each choosing such things as he counted for his stomacke fit . This yonker scarce was suffered his horses backe to leave , But he was called presently his place for to receave . He had no time allowd , his bootes from off his legs to take ; Nor ( which was woorst of all ) his pinching water for to make . As good lucke was , he by a dainty wenches side did sit , And now beganne his future paine and trouble to forget . But haplesse he ( as nothing which is good can ever last ) His future paine assailed him , his pleasure soone was past ; For being very dry , he store of drinke beganne to gull , So that before he was aware , his bladder soone was full . And yet ( vnhappy he ) he durst not from the table rise , Lest he should seeme vnmannerly in all the strangers eyes . Wherefore a great while sundry meanes and helps he did invent , Whereby the better this ensuing harme he might prevent . But still his paines increasing more , he was in such a case , That he was forcde to take this counsell of the time and place , Into his boote ( which was a wide one ) such a thing he put , That he in little space of all his water freed his gut . Vnder the boord to hold his hand a while he was compelld , As if some other weighty thing he in the same had held , Vntill his boote was filld vp with the vrine to the top ; And yet the water powred from the fountaine drop by drop . Meane time the maide which at the table sate vnto him neere , Perceiving all , perswaded him to have a valiant cheere , And strait she tooke him by the hand , which he so busied had , Desiring him to tell the reason why he was so sad : And strait from foorth his codpeece he was forcde his hand to bring , And in the same against his will , his maid-delighting thing . Looke off , looke off some other way , you maides , by nature kinde , For feare that such an object make you ever after blinde . This lucklesse yonker being thus surprised in such haste , Was forcde vpon the table store of water for to cast . In selfe same sort as when the neighbours water vse to fling Vpon an house halfe burnt with fire , or any other thing . He came vnto that banquet in a most vnhappie morne , And sure I thinke vnder a lucklesse plannet he was borne . Thus being scofft of all , he sate , not daring once to rise , But in a sad and mournefull sort he hid his bashfull eyes . At length , by store of pleasant wine these cares his heart forsooke , And setting shame and feare aside , a courage stowt he tooke . In briefe , when every man had tipled well , it so did chance , That every man must after supper leade a wench a dance . This yonker then , ( although this dancing he did hardly love , ) Was forc'd according to the fiddles sound his legs to move . Each time that he remov'd his feete , he shooke the massie ground , And all the house with store of showts and Ecchoes did resound . As oft as ere this yonker from the ground his legs did pull , ( Having his bootes ( too big before , ) with store of water full : ) So oft they forc'd him to remember that vnseemely thing , And oft the fault forgot , they did afresh remembrance bring . And then afresh each man began at him to laugh and mocke , He was the cause that made himselfe so base a laughing stocke . As soone as dancing time was past that he might private bee , He found a means whereby from laughter he himselfe might free . In midst of all the maides and men which compast him apace , He put his watry buskins off , the cause of his disgrace . And gave them to his man , that to the fire he might them beare , Which quickly would exhaust the vapors that within them were . His trustie servant by the way espide a bed by chance , Provided for to rest their bones which in the hall did dance . Hither the carefull servant did his masters buskins beare , And having made the bed-poste fit , he forthwith hung them there . And then began the youth to banish care from forth his breast , Beginning once againe to be as iocond as the rest . But now the time of drowsie mid-night had approached nie , And every stranger made him readie to his bed to hie . When every man in quiet sort was gone vnto his bed , Therein vntill the morrow morne to rest his sleepie head . Amongst the rest there was a fellow of a foolish minde , Which having eate such meate as hurtfull to him he did finde . When all the other strangers did their sleepe in quiet take , He eating over-much , was troubled with the bellie ake . And therefore was he forc'd to rise , thinking to walke abroad , That in the yard , he of his burden might himselfe vnload . The doores by chance were lockt , and therefore he could finde no way , And which was worse then all the rest , he could no longer stay . In briefe , he found the bootes vpon the bed which there did stand , The which as soone as ere he felt , he caught them in his hand . Both hard and soft which hurt his bellie , into them he sent , Which having done , immediately vnto his bed he went . As soone as ere the shining day-starre gan for to appeare , To manifest vnto the world that Sols approach was neere . The yonker mindefull of the sturre which he last night did make , Began betimes vnto his horse himselfe for to betake . Providing , on his legs in haste his cleanly bootes to pull , But out alas vnhappie man , with dirt the one was full . What shall he do ? if cry , the company will him deride , Wherefore its best to keepe it close and every thing abide . He must indure it , if heereafter he have any wit , Vnto so bad a crew in haste himselfe hee 'le not commit . Suppose thou art a man of credite and of great esteeme , And one which in a cittie Ruler once or twice hast beene . When in a strange and vnknowne country you arrived are , It is your best your offices and titles to declare . Such worship as is requisite they will not to you give , Vnlesse you brag in what account you in your country live . But if a meanes to blaze abroad your name you cannot tell , And neither any man demands nor knowes your worship well : Then with a most attentive eare , this precept learne of mee , Which if you practise , you in great account with all shall bee . Vpon a time , a Doctor to a famous Inne did come , About the time whenas the world is robbed of the Sunne . And after him there thither came more strangers presently , It being late , each man forthwith vnto his bed did hie . This Doctor not vnto one stranger that was there was knowne , And therefore he not once saluted , sadly sate alone . When all were set to dinner , he was faine to be the last , And therefore heavily vpon the ground his eyes he cast . He tooke nor pleasure nor delight with eating of his food , The store of dainty wines he drunke did him but little good . To be in honour and account so greatly he did thurst , That he with care to compasse it his heart did almost burst . Thus having sate awhile , when he with wine was whitled well , Be this meanes he occasion tooke , his calling for to tell : From off his shaven crowne , his Doctors cap he tooke with speede , Hoping by meanes thereof to get some credite at his neede . And hanging it vpon a naile which there he did espie , Such pleasant words as these , began to speake immediatly . Enough , enough at length of sorrow and of pining care ; T is time at length to laugh and quaffe with those which merry are . There hang the Doctor which the crabbed lessons vsde to reade , Mirth more befits this pleasant crew , this is no time to pleade . Then lest my Doctors name should hinder all my future sport , And tell me , that it fits not me mongst roysters to resort : The title of a Doctor for a while I le lay aside , And take it vp when I into my native country ride . When all the strangers in the house the Doctor did behold , Each man began to thinke that with him they had beene too bold . And rising , asked pardon of him for that great disgrace , Intreasing him , as was his due , to choose the highest place . And every one began a cup of wine to him to drinke , And thus the Doctor got his grace and honour due I thinke . When you with any place of publike credite graced are , Or when the Citty on your necke hath layde the publike care , Within thy lofty minde be sure to lodge disdaine and scorne , Because thou knowst that vnto fame and honour thou arte borne . If to abuse thy calling thou doost any man permit , I cannot choose but thinke , that thou hast almost lost thy wit . I will repeate , although I almost am ashamde to tell , When great disgrace vnto a learned scholler once befell , When many tedious toyles in diverse places he had passt , By learning he was made a maister of his Arte at last : And therefore he with speede into his native country rid , To see his antient kinsmen and acquaintance how they did . And after in that pleasant iorney he a day had spent , Being both wearie and be-nighted , to an Inne he went , Within the selfe same Inne a maid that night her lodging tooke , A maid which had a shining beautie , yet a bashfull looke . Their supper being readie made , when every thing was fit , The scholler by the selfe-same virgins side did chance to sit . Forthwith a loftie kinde of pride the schollers minde possest , And he desired to be bolder farre then all the rest . He thought it reason that the greatest stranger he should seeme , And so did , for most of them did highly him esteeme . One man there was among the rest which greatly disallowd In secret sort , that any scholler should be thought so prowd . For having in another place his fellow lately beene , He knew the scholler , and his pride he oft before had seene . Having a wit which he before in divers iests had tride , He practisde divers meanes whereby the scholler to deride ; Still noting all the foolish trickes which in him he could finde , His onely purpose was to make him leave his naughtie minde . The scholler not regarding well this craftie fellowes drift , Because his head did itch , his hand vnto the same did lift . And with his hand his itching head in tender sort did scratch , From which a cause of great abuse the tother strait did catch . And then intending certainely his loftie thoughts to breake , Vnto him presently these vnexspected words did speake : I pray sir tell me , if as yet those lice about you bee , Which , as you know , vpon your body I did lately see ? And is it possible that you no remedie should have , By that same medicine which to you the Poticarie gave ? Why sure the man I speake of , makes an ointment very well , And hath as many powrefull salves as any man can sell . These words as if they had beene truth he soberly did speake , And though they were but faind , he into laughter did not breake . The scholler being thus disgrac'd , was forc'd to part away , And putting vp this great abuse had not a word to say . Anger and shame did so his loftie swelling heart confound His minde which lately pierc'd the skies , was then vpon the ground . His learned Logicke could not then his fading fame defend , Nor could he be reveng'd for this discredite of his friend . By this discredite and ill lucke you may example take , Lest some man in the selfesame sort a foole of you should make . And if you see a man which vnto credite loves to mount , Which of his neighbours and his friends is held in great account . T' will be a meanes , whereby thou maist thine owne preferment get , If thou in lower estimation canst this peacocke set . At meate mongst many gallants once a carter chancd to sit , And tooke from forth ech dish , such meate as did his stomacke fit . One onely cup there was , and every man drunke of the same , According as in order due , vnto his course it came . At length it came vnto the carters course to take a sip , Which doing , in his course he quite forgot to wipe his lip . And therefore all the greasie fat which on his lips did cleave , Within the pot in comely sort he was constrainde to leave . Which thing when some espide , they did not like it very well , And yet were loth the country fellow of his fault to tell . But strait among themselves a statute they did soone invent , Whereby the like committing of this fault they might prevent . He which heereafter should infect the wine within the pot , Should all alone for punishment discharge the future shot . The Carter , when he saw they did a law gainst him devise . Summond his wits , and crost their purpose in this craftie wise . The next time that to drinke a sip vnto his course it came , Turning the botome to the skies , he tipled off the same . Which having done , vnto the yonkers in this wise he spoke , You cannot say that I ( well meaning man , ) your law have broke . What filth can any of you all finde swimming in the pot , When there s no wine ? if you le accuse me , I le discharge the shot . Thus did the Carter cosen them without their statutes breach , And by his over-seeing wit , their craft did over-reach . A common officer was once on an Ambassage sent , And from a needie country to a wealthie king he went . His bisnes was some naughty wine vnto the king to give ; But he which alwayes did before in simple manners live , As soone as ere the person of the King he did espie , In trembling sort for feare of him beganne alowd to cry . Thus standing , of his embassage had not a word to say , But ( as the lambe dooth from the woolfe ) would faine have run away . The King perceiving him to tremble , thus vnto him saide , Take courage man , I give thee leave to speake , be not afraide . At length th' embassador from off his head his hatte did take , And simply rowling it vpon his thumbe , a leg did make ; And taking courage , soone could speake as fast as ere he list , Wherefore he thus beganne his speech , when all the hall was whist : Good morrow woorthy Prince , which in this place arte held so deare , Attentively such wordes as I shall speake , vouchsafe to heare . The Marchants of our country for a truth to vs report , That you ( thrice noble King ) have store of wine of ev'ry sort , And that among good fellowes night and day you love to bee , And eke that you will quaffe and drinke as long as you can see ; They therefore hoping thus to make you their vnfained friend , Presumed to your maiesty this pleasant wine to send . Such naughty wine as this is , since no better we can get , We are constrainde to quench our thirsts in great esteeme to set , But seldome thou hast tasted this , thou glutted arte with thine ; Accept it then , not ev'ry man hath such a cup of wine . Which having saide , from foorth a bagge the wine he quickely tooke , Intreating him most heartily vpon the same to looke . By chance , as thus he reacht it forth , he in the same did spie Some dust , or little straw which on the top thereof did lie , And thinking vpon many shifts whereby to take it out , His carefull eies in evry corner he did cast about ; By chaunce as thus he lookt about him with a carefull minde , A paire of cleanely snuffers on a table he did finde . Which having thus espide , on poynts he durst no longer stand ; But thinking they were therefore made , he caught them in his hand ; And boldly with a nimble hand he put them in the cup , Wherewith from the same the dust and strawes he fished vp . Then to the smiling king he drunke a draught with all his heart , And without taking leave , into his country did depart . More drunken trickes concerning wine I would not heere repeate , But that a crew of drunkards earnestly do me intreate . I long to make an end , and yet so instantly they crave , That force perforce two other trickes of drunkards you must have . Such store of sundry wines vpon a time a drunkard dranke , That no two kindes amongst them all grew on the selfe-same banke . Each sundry kinde within his bellie gan to pitch its field , No wine there was among them all which would allegeance yield . These civill warres the drunkards steepie minde did hardly please , And therefore thus he gan to speake being not well at ease . I wonder what should be the cause my gots are at such strife , I never felt such civill warre before in all my life . Tell me , you raging wines , which in me such a tumult keepe , What is the cause that you disturbe your master in his sleepe ? I charge you , either presently your selves to reconcile , And lay aside those armes which you have vsde so long a while . Or else from forth my bellies bounds I will you banish quite , I le spew and belch you vp againe vnlesse you leave your fight . Which having said , they venturde still to trouble him againe , Then he a man which scornde to seeme to threaten them in vaine . Those wines , in drinking of the which his silver he had spent , From forth into the emptie aire from out his bellie sent . Whereby his banisht rest vnto his guts he did restore , The battell ceasde , and he was troubled with their strife no more . If such like fits at any time presume to trouble thee , Follow but this example and thou quickly shalt be free . If so it chance to thee as vnto one it once befell ; Thou well maist brag invomiting thou all men shalt excell . Which while as briefly as I can , I doe to thee repeate ; If thou wilt but attentive be , thy profite shall be great . A sort of good companions once for store of wine did call , And drunke thereof so largely , that they tooke no rest at all . Amongst the rest a beastly knave of belches vtterd store , A signe which future vomiting doth alwayes goe before ; Another which was by , from off his head did take his hat , Promising if he wanted , he should have the vse of that . If thou perchance hast neede to vomite , this I will thee lend , And fill it if thou canst ( quoth he , ) because thou art my frend . Which having said , the fellowes stomacke gan to rise in haste , So that into the same , great store of wine and meate he cast . And strait his hat began with meate and wine to over-flow , This was a pleasant smell for him that held the hat I trow . As soone as ere he saw his hat was spoild therewith indeede , He thought he would not so give o're , but further did proceede . And on his honest neighbours head presumde the hat to place , And strait the vomite ranne about his shoulders and his face . Each man began to clap his hands which did the fellow see , This pleasant tricke to all their homours fitly did agree . The man which vomited , therewith was pleased at the heart , And after they were all made friends , they homeward did depart .

Farting and belching of Orators , holding your water , and other such like clownishnes . Chap. VII . THus farre concerning duties when at banquets you do sit , And now I le tell those things which are for other places fit . An Oratour vnto a forraine country late did go , Which both in eloquence and counsell did abound and flow . Before a mightie Princesse and a sort of virgins kinde , This eare-inchanting Oratour must vtter all his minde . Wherefore obtaining leave to speake , such grace with them he found , Before he would beginne he gravely lookt vpon the ground . Which having done , as soone as to beginne his speech he meant , In comely sort for manners sake his knees he gravely bent : And being full of courtesie , he chancde to bend too lowe , And vnawares into the ayre he let a fart to go : But notwithstanding not a whit ashamed at the deede , Vnto his purpose which he had in hand he did proceede . Each one dissembling made as if the fart they had not heard , Except one maide , which all their maners with her laughter marr'd : Who while she strivde out of her laughing vaine her selfe to put , Vnhappy she her tender buttockes close she did not shut . And therefore let a fart , whose pleasant sound was somewhat sharpe : If you had heard it , youlde ha thought t 'had beene a tuned harpe , He being mindefull of his owne fault , from his speech did breake , And tooke occasion in this wise vnto the maids to speake ; Proceede in order ev'ry one of you ( faire Nymphs ) proceede , To give your winde free passage , it will helpe you at your neede . And when it comes vnto my turne to doe the same againe , I le doe my best to let another , though my selfe I straine . Then strait the maide beganne to blush seeing her fault was spide , Her cheekes were dide as red as bloud , and she her face did hide : The other maides with store of laughter did their bodies shake , And thus the Rethoritian of his speech an end did make . But , for we have begunne to speake of learned men indeede , We will not leave our first intent , but in the same proceede . Another time there to a princes stately pallace came , An Orator , which by his wit purchasde immortall fame , With store of costly silkes and stately robes he was attirde . He was a man whome all his country honord and admirde . As soone as might be he was sent for to the princes hall , And there had licence to pronounce his speech before them all : Strait into many lofty wordes he boldely gan to breake , And with a stately swelling voyce , he thundring wordes did speake . But he was forcde by belching ev'ry sentence to repeate , Which was a signe what kindes of cates he yesterday did eate : It was a fault which from his childhoode he did alwayes vse , And though he labord nere so much , he could it not refuse . The prince which did attentively behold him , markt the same ; And angry , marveld that he durst presume so much for shame ; And yet he cloakt his wrath , and would into rayling breake : But with a pleasant looke vnto him thus beganne to speake : Most learned man , it grieves me not thine eloquence to heare , For vnto it with all my heart I lent my listning eare ; But for because more weighty matters doe my presence crave , The residue thereof to morrow willingly wee le have . Meane time the King devised many pollicies to vse , Whereby the Rethoritians vtterance he might abuse . As soone as ere the morrow came , the Scholler he did call , To make an end of his begunne Oration in the hall . By chance a base and simple man was thither sent for too , Which for a little silver any beastly tricke would doe : He was so well a practisde man in farting , that he coulde Let farts at any mans commaundement whensoere he woulde . As soone as ere he came , the king in friendly manner saide , There is a certaine feate to doe , wherein we lacke thine aide . A Doctors coate and cap vpon him he did quickely place , And tolde him all things which were fitte in such a crafty case : The Rethoritian spoke as he the day before had done ; And at the end of ev'ry sentence , he to belch begunne . The Doctor also not forgetting his enjoyned arte , Beganne at end of ev'ry belch most decently to fart . What shall the Rethoritian doe ? he first beganne to chide , The Doctor for his beastlinesse which quickely was espide , Thus thinking to proceede in railing at him for the same , He thought vpon his owne offence , and then he blusht for shame . Which when the King espide , he into laughter strait did breake , And to the blushing Rethoritian thus beganne to speake : This Doctor also vnto vs from forraine countries came To make a speech : he is a man of great renowne and fame . And as it is your vse to belch at ev'ry sentence end , Which in your country as a credite all perhaps commend . To fart in like sort this our Doctor counts a royall thing ; And as a custome from his country hither doth it bring . Which having saide , the Rethoritian strait his leave did take , Enforced in the middle of his speech an end to make . A man began to tell a tale of newes and manners past , The Preface of the which , was like an houre or two to last . To which , one man among the rest gave his attentive eare , As being willing that which he recited for to heare . Meane time his bladder was so full , no more it could sustaine , ( The keeping of the vrine , often breedeth mickle paine ) But ( foolish man , ) the present tale so much he did effect , That he durst hardly stirre , lest he the storie should neglect , By chance he had a little purse made of a Squirrels skin , Which lately he provided had , to keepe his mony in . He thought it better this his purse with vrine for to fill , Then loosing of that pleasant storie , so to want his will . He knew that vrine held too long , did often danger bring , And therefore carefully prevented such a future thing . Not long a go , a Doctor which in learning well was taught , By this meanes , most vnluckily vnto his end was brought . Amongst a sort of gallant maides he in a coach did ride , Incompassed with store of bashfull maides on every side . Not many houres amongst the youthfull virgins he had sate , Talking of chaste virginitie , and such like harmelesse chat . But that his bladder being filld with vrine to the brim , Some speedie passage privately it did demand of him . And yet to stirre from forth the coach he would not take the paine , Thinking it better any paine or perill to sustaine , He was so chaste , that rather then hee 'd trouble maid or wife , He thought it better farre to stand in danger of his life . At length , his bladder with such store of vrine was ore-lade , That all his bowells burst , and so the water passage had . And he within a day or two was forc'd his life to leave , This was the profite which by shamefastnes he did receave . Wherefore , lest thou the like incurre , refuse not any thing , Rather then thus thy selfe in danger of thy life to bring . I thinke it good the tale which followes to recite to thee , Because it is a tale which argues great Simplicitie . Of late , a clowne which all the trickes of former times did know , And livde therein , for these our dayes can none so simple show , Came to an antient friend of his whome long he had not seene , And when that store of friendly talke had passed them betweene ; At length they came ( as strangers vse ) to couple hand in hand , It is a right on which olde friends do often vse to stand . But first to make his nostrels cleane , the clowne would be so bolde , And all the snot which thence he tooke he in his hand did holde , And then his antient friend he boldely by the hand did take , Saying , lo , heere s a signe how much of thee ( my friend ) I make . The cause why thus he did , was this , he in great feare did stand , Lest that perhaps the tothers fist should hurt his tender hand . Wherefore to ease his palme with soft and tender fleame he meant , That he thereby the future blow the better might prevent . A thousand such like trickes as these I could to thee repeate , The practise of the which would make thy fame and credite great , But that I know this little booke of mine too long would bee , If all things which my selfe have seene I should recite to thee . If by thy wit the things which I have tolde thou practise can , I doubt not but thou soone wilt proove a rude and simple man . Flaccus himselfe desires in precepts brevitie to finde , That so they may be kept the better in the Schollers minde ; And yet those precepts which are writ i' th end of this my booke , Since they be few , you ought vpon them carefully too looke : The simple life of country farmers which the field doe plow , And all their rusticke trickes must be esteemed deere of you . Those things which other curious Critickes doe exhort thee to , Neglect them all , with gravitie you nothing have to doe : If some men you can crosse , and stirre vp laughter vnto some , You neede not care for any more , your duety you have done . And now ( well nurturde youth ) I bid thee kindely to farewell , And thinke on all those wholesome rules which I to thee did tell .

Grobiana , or concerning fitting virgins , both at home and abroad , in banquets , and divers other places . Chapter VIII . ME thinks already I have said enough of manners rude , And therefore willingly this present booke I would conclude . But that the tender virgins do so earnestly intreate , That some few precepts for their vse , I also would repeate . What shall I do ? consent or no ? whether will prove the best ? To do as they require , or contradict their iust request ? The last I will not do ; attend , attend , you virgins all , Behold a man which is preparde and readie at your call . Some precepts I will give , whereby your manners for to frame , They shall be few , but you shall reape great profite by the same . It is not neede for your instruction many trickes to tell , You are so prone , that all men you in clownish trickes excell . Nature her selfe , which scornes the helpe of any others trade , Vnto all kindes of vice your sect most tractable hath made . Yet notwithstanding that which vnto me Apollo told , Since all I speake is true , to tell it you I dare be bold . You maides which neither modest , honest , nice , nor bashfull are , Approach , and for your profits of my precepts have a care . When through a publike cittie streetes to wander you desire , ( For my part , I am not enforc'd to looke to your attire . ) Permit your wandring gadding eyes in every place to bee , So that before , behinde , on everie side , you all may see . The minde which nere committed any trespasse may be bold , Each man , each thing in every corner , freely to behold . And with a brazen fore-head , looke the prowdest in the face , Let those looke downe which for offence have suffred some disgrace . With both your hands in comely sort hold vp your coates you may , If as you walke , you chance to enter any dirtie way . Let both your knees and eke your milke-excelling thighes be spide , But go no further ; parts which higher are you ought to hide . By this meanes , many yonkers hearts and favours you shall have , And some will of your parents for their wedded wife you crave . What though perchance your stockings are bespotted all with durt , Yet if I should espy them , I should thinke it little hurt . It argues that about your busines diligent you are , And of the thing which you have tooke in hand , you have a care . This maid about her buisnes with such care and fore-sight goes , That she can scarce finde idle time to rub her durtie hose . To shew your bosome vnto all , and eke your naked breast , Because it is a very comely sight , I hold it best . Your tender dugges and snow-white necke must be beheld of all , Which when some wenching youth espies , in love with you hee 'le fall , I neither will so sencelesse nor so bashfull ever bee , But that I will desire a maid in such a case to see . Those lovely partes which may be seene of all men , all will love , But no man chooseth hidden things , before he do them prove . As thus you walke to take your pleasure in the dirtie streete , If with a wench which your acquaintance was , you chance to meete . You neede not with good morrow , nor good den begin to speake , But bluntly into talke of divers weightie matters breake . Maides and great mishaps there are , which many men oppresse , Which they ( poore soules , ) are forc'd to beare with patience ne'rethelesse . Their parents hard and crabbed sensure oft they must abide , With cruell words , and bitter taunts , their daughters oft they chide . Their curst and crabbed mistris , makes them oftentimes to weepe , When she their tender neckes in choler churlishly doth keepe . And yong men also do their trustie lovers oft deceave , When promising to marrie them , alone they do them leave . Of these , and such like things , to her be sure thy plaint to make , That vse of tongue which Nature gave thee , freely thou maist take . Your sect hath store of eloquence , its weakenes to defend , That gift to woman-kinde I thinke great Iove himselfe did send . Then since it is your gift to talke , have something still to say , With trifling matters it is good to drive the time away . For ten houres space at least your talke begun had neede to last , By no meanes you must cease till then , although you have great haste . Meane time , ( although when maides lacke words it is a strange event , ) If you perchance lacke words wherewith the time for to prevent . The trickes and acts of other men beginne for to repeate , Of such things you shall matter have , all day for to intreate . What rules and precepts to their folkes your neighbours vse to give . As also in what order they themselves do vse to live . What meate your neighbours boord affoords , what drinke he most doth drinke , What store of cattell he doth keeepe , how rich he is you thinke . These things , and such as these , and many an hundred thousand more , If you lacke things whereof to talke , will yield you matter store . Speake boldly any thing of any man that him may vex , You have a priviledge thereto , by reason of your sex . And yet if with your words you any honest man defame , I would not have you say that I was author of the same . By this time you have ceasde from prating with your loving frend , Begin at length reiecting trifles homeward for to bend . As home you go , with peares , with nuts , with apples you shall meete , Which men and women vse to sell to those that walke the streete . You for a pennie or three halfe-pence may as many buy , As will your daintie costardmonging stomacke satisfie . As you go homeward in the streete you may them boldly eate , No man I thinke will blame a maid for eating of her meate . If any chance to mocke thee , tell them they are all thine owne . Thou paidst for them , not one by him vpon thee was bestowne . Meane time perchance vnto the cittie Players there are come , Which round about the towne proclaime their Play by sownd of drum . Vnto the vulgars store of feates and active trickes thei le show , That they vpon them to maintaine them , something may bestow . Many profane and base , both words and actions they will have , Which are mislikte of such as are of life and manners grave . And yet it is thy dutie vnto every word to harke , And all their gestures and their actions carefully to marke . To all their wanton words , you your attentive eare must give , According vnto that you heare , heereafter you must live , Whether you naughty words do heare , or beastly sights do see , To blush at either of them both is not beseeming thee . For one which for some great offence hath suffred some disgrace , You will be thought , if blushing colours are within your face . Let nothing in your cheekes a red vnseemely colour raise , Keepe still this rule , there can be found no neerer way to praise . All men will thinke that you the way to vice did never know , If in your gestures you no signe of blushing vse to show . But if you vse to laugh alowd as if that you were madde , All men will thinke that of my Book the practise you have had . Thinke it not any great disgrace to make thy selfe a mate , At such like feasts as olde and yong do vse to celebrate . But if thou wilt give eare vnto my precepts , and to me , At such like banquettings as these thou present oft shalt be . For mongst a sort of youths whose wits are sharp with store of beere , Great store of things convenient for thy purpose thou maist heare ; Which to thy simple life thou maist apply I tell thee plaine , Amongst such men in such like places , clownishnes doth raigne . I tell you maide , it is no trifle closely for to spie Those vices which in yong mens maners closely vse to lie . When wine dooth rule them , all their secret counsels you may finde , Wine is a great betrayer and bewrayer of the minde . Perchance there at the present feast will also drunken bee , Thy love , thou then maist know th' affection which he beares to thee : And that his meaning and intent thou maist the better prove , Thou oughtst to have a care to sit the next vnto thy love . When he is drunke , to all his deedes and wordes thou oughtst to harke , And with a carefull eie how many pots he drinkes , to marke . Perchance the wine and you may vrge him promise for to make , That very shortly for his loving wife he will you take . If he consent , love domineering o're the captive boy , You must not hide your love too long , nor must you be too coy . Beginne to drinke a cup of wine vnto him for his sake , Thy good example will enforce the youth more wine to take . And having tooke the cup , be sure to drinke off ev'ry drop , Although the wine be strong and olde , and filld vnto the top . Intreate thy love to pledge thee ; then beginne thy cup to fill , And tell him that you dranke it off , to purchase his good will : If then for maners sake thy love beginne to thee againe , You cannot shunne it , kindely it to take you shal be faine . And at one draught , because your lover dooth the same desire , You ought to drinke it off , for so your youthfull yeeres require . Inchaunted with thy kindenes then his love he will impart , Which he so long in secret sort , had nourisht in his hart . And then by many publike signes his love he will betray , Which from you he so long before in jeast had kept away . Then hee le beginne to holde your tender dugs within his hand , And range in all those snowie vales which round about them stand . Which while he doth , in loving sort you ought to sit at ease , I know this likes you wel , and therefore cannot me displease . It is no hurt to me ; and yet thus much you ought to know , If this you suffer , you your credites cracke must vndergoe : Your credite and your honest name may quickely both be lost : But to repaire them both againe , a greater price t will cost . When thus your love is surely drunke , you ought of him to know , With fawning wordes what giftes he meanes vpon you to bestow . He needes must yeeld , for with a double wound he gins to pine , The one with love of thee , the other store of strongest wine , Though many gifts he give , and also promise greater store , Yet be not thou ashamed still to aske him more and more . Though many great rewards he give thee , never be content ; Tell him he spares , and all his goodes on other maides are spent , And yet sometimes that greater gifts of him you may procure , To send some little gift or token vnto him be sure . I purpose not in this my Booke to teach you Ovids art , My scope is nothing like , my precepts doe from him depart . If you to scoffe or mocke your faithful lover have a minde . I tel you plaine in my booke no such counsel you shal finde . But if you with a carefull minde Pelignus verses reade , Hee le teach you perfectly in these my rusticke lines to treade . In former times it was accounted as a speciall grace , A garland made of sweetest flowers in your head to place : But since that this no other maides but country vulgars did , To set such garlands on your head I flatly you forbid . Indeede the former simple ages did the same approve ; But these our latter times doe other finer garments love . Such things as are too vulgar , are of vs dispraised quite , The world dooth nowadayes in newer fashions more delight . Wherefore , hang you a garland on your nose in pleasant wise , That it may cover almost halfe your forehead and your eies . But lest you should suppose my counsell foolish for to bee ; Attend , and you a reason of my counsell strait shall see . Thus much you know , the garland that you weare must needs be made , Of finest hearbs and flowers sweete , which will not quickely fade . You may delight your tender nosthrils with the pleasant smell ; And of your braine t will also be accepted very well , That smell into the empty ayre with currant passage goes , Vnlesse your garland made of flowers , hang vpon your nose . Be not ashamed alwayes in your armes a whelp to beare , Wherewith you may both sport and play , whense're you idle are . When in your belly you have any painefull rumbling fart , Which dooth beginne ( vnhappy wench ) to grieve thee at the hart . The same you boldely ought into the empty aire to send , Which with its gripes and pinchings did your bowells much offend . Perchance the smell thereof offends some person in that place , Beginning shamelesly the maker of it to disgrace . Your little dogge to save your credite then is very fit , Blame onely him , as if that he your trespasse did commit . Say that t was he , and none but he , that did the aire perfume ; To contradict you in this case , there s no man dares presume . Twixt fleas and women there was strife ere since the world begunne Ane will ( I thinke ) continue also , till the same be done : The crafty flea in little holes and corners still doth he ; And in the night ( which is her day ) she prickes your tender thigh . And into womens tender skinnes her biting beak shee le thrust , Where she will feede vpon them , till she ready be to burst . This paine doth in the night from sleepe the maidens so awake , That they are forede for ayde themselves vnto their armes to take . Wherefore , if any such like foe thy tender skinne offend , Betake thee to thy weapons strait thy body to defend . Whether it be at home that she presumes thee to assaile , Or gainst you when you are abroad hopes better to prevaile , You neede not care though ne're so many men be standing by , Which will your cruelty against the nimble flea espy . But having cast off all your clothes , seeke you your secret foe , That he the punishment which he deservde may vndergo . In valiant sort from foorth his lurking denne the captive bring , Let no man there beg pardon for his life for any thing . The rest perceiving this your cruelty will have a care , Lest feeding on your tender skinne they also taken are . It is impossible that you in rest should ever live , Vnles his deaths wound vnto some one enemy you give . But now lest you should thinke some precepts wanting for to bee , A tricke which thou must immitate I must propound to thee . A publike meeting once there was , within an antient towne , And many weighty matters heard , fore men of great renowne . Hither a certaine woman came their orders for to know , Desiring to have notice how ech matter there did goe . When she with great attention had many howers past Her belly filld too full with meate , beganne to ake at last . The meate which she digested had , began of her to crave , That if she lovde her health , with speede some passage it might have . She taking in the matters handling pleasure at the hart , Having so good a place , was loath from foorth it to depart , By chance she had a bag , wherein great store of bookes there was , Because she was an holy maide , and given much to masse ; Into the which her bellies griefe she presently did put , And staid to heare all matters ended , having easde her gut . If you wil take my counsel , you this tricke shall oft pervse , Perchance there will occasion come when you the same shall vse . But ( foolish as I am ) the lingring time what neede I spend ? Since all which is to come behinde , in three wordes I might end . Those wholesome precepts which I lately vnto yongmen gave , To serve your turne whenas you lacke you may them also have : But yet I dare not say that all their precepts will be fit , But take the best , as for the worst , to others them commit . Exspect , nor love , nor praise , of those which wise and honest are , And as for pleasing crabbed Sophisters , take you no care . But as your Tutor I command , be alwaies sure to live , And have a care vnto my yoake your captive necke to give . My selfe the straightest way that is , to modestie will leade , You cannot erre , nor go amisse , if in my steps you treade . A greater store of precepts yet to you repeate I might , In practise of the which , you could not choose but take delight . But that my muse me to my bed to rest my selfe doth send , Commanding me of this my morall booke to make an end . Wherefore farewell , If by my booke you any profite take , I aske no more but this , defend it for its Authors sake .

The Authors conclusion to Master Simon Bing , wherein he sheweth all the intent and practise of this present worke . THis raging sea ( most deere friend Bing , ) with good successe at last , Helpt by thy friendly Pilots hand , my tattred ship hath past : If to the waters mercy I had trusted all alone , I know my ship had long ago with waves beene over-throwne . But your exspected kindenes without faintnes did me leade , Inticing me with fearelesse heart , in paths vnknowne to treade . I thinke that you vnto my ship a gentle hand did send , By whose conducture this my boat obtainde its hop'd for end . My ship at length hath found the haven which she did desire , And now in quiet from such boistrous waters will retire . Although perhaps I nothing got , but labour for my paine , And cannot as I would , the marke at which I aimde attaine . Yet is your favour ne'rethelesse , the fault my selfe commit , All the defect which can be found , is in my slender wit . But since it can no better be , with this I am content , That I have hit the marke as well as I to hit it meant . Wherefore the ship with all the sailes I dedicate to thee , That by thy care from after-claps it may defended bee . Lest any swelling stormes should hurt it being torne and weake , Or future tempests by their raging blasts , the same should breake . For what availes it to have caught the long desired shore ? Or to have scap'd those gulfes which safely we have passed o're ? Vnlesse your wonted love and kindenes do me still pursue , And I heereafter also may inioy the love of you . Although my ship at haven stands , yet when the windes do blow , The raging waves which rise , my ship may quickly over-throw . But your good will may as an anchors vnremoved stay My wavering ship from all mischances when it lies at bay . To take tuition of my verse , of thee I humbly crave , And ( gentle Bing , ) be sure of it vnfained care to have , If that the matter and the methode be but lik'd of thee , I hope of no man else my paines can much misliked bee . It may be , few or none at all , will much esteeme my verse , Because in civill sort my iests I vse not to reherse . Some men perchance will therefore not my painefull labours love , Because forsooth my verses do not store of laughter move . What though some other thinke my verses lothsome , base , and vile ? Because forsooth they are not written in a loftie stile . Will therefore every man condemne my labour and my paine ? Is both my care , my time , and toile consumed all in vaine ? I cannot tell , I looke for better fortune ; for I know , Though this my worke will vnto some both base and lothsome showe Yet some there are I know , which will my painefull worke applaude , And t is as much as I desire of some to merite laude . Within my booke no praise-deserving precepts written are , Nor any salves which from the minde have force to banish care . And yet vnlesse that my coniecture doth me much deceive , He which pervseth well this booke , some profite may receive . Manners which clownish are , I have set downe in clownish wise , Which I have set in carefull sort before the vulgars eyes . Most of the trickes which I have writ , my selfe before did see , The rest , a trustie friend of mine repeated vnto mee . And some thereof , ( it is no shame to tell the naked truth , ) My selfe ( as I was apt thereto , ) committed in my youth . Mongst all the precepts which my booke containes , there is not one , Whose author ( be they ne're so clownish , ) is to me vnknowne . They much pervse my booke , ( if any man such paines will take , ) Doubtlesse this gaine ( if nothing else , ) they shall be sure to make . I know some prettie cleanly tricke or other he shall reade , Wherein he knowes that he himselfe before did often treade . When he espies some tricke agreeing to his manners fit , Which in a youthfull merrie vaine he whilome did commit . The blushing red which in his visage to and fro will passe , Will make him thinke , that of that fault he whilome giltie was . And lest heereafter such a blush his reading should offend , He will have better care his life and manners to amend . And for because in mirth and pleasant manner I have writ , Such things as I supposed for my present purpose fit . I doubt not but some sortes of men will very thankfull bee , And sure I thinke for all my paines so much they owe to mee . But thou which movedst me to write , ( for onely for thy sake , And no mans else ( friend Bing , ) I did this labour vndertake . ) Shalt for the mentioning hereof , have an eternall fame , And all the future times will daily thinke vpon thy name . Each man which doth peruse this booke , to thee will render praise , Because from darke oblivions rage , thou onely didst it raise . And though the readers still should render store of thanks to you , Yet could they not to such a patron render more then due . For doubting whither such a trifle I abroad should send , Which I at idle times a while before had rashly pend . Knowing it was no worke whereon the learned ought to looke , Because the Muses every one were absent from my booke . He having seene the worke before , perswaded me at last , From forth my minde such abiect thoughts and causelesse feare to cast . And boldly at the length , to bring my Poeme into light , That others also for their vse and profite reade it might . I knowing that in friendly sort he councell'd for the best , Agreed to publish it according to my friends request . Wherefore as long as any shall accept of this my paine , As long as this my booke in vse and credite shall remaine . So long Bings name shall live inspight of blacke oblivious blot , The name of him in future time shall never be forgot . The hidden sparkes of vertue which inclosde in him do lie , Do merite that their masters name and fame should never die . The Muses all , and those which of them favorites do prove He holdes in great account , and most entirely them doth love . Those which to vertue and to learning all their mindes will give , He doth promote and gives them riches wherewithall to live . But nowadaies , to finde a learned scholler it is hard , So few there are which such a jem as learning do regard . Rather then learning , any other kinde of life thei 'le choose , They love in base maechanicall Arts their youthfull age to loose . All meanes they try , and all too few their riches to provide , They passe the richest Lydian king in scorne , disdaine , and pride . The marke which each man nowadaies desireth for to hit , Is most aboundant store of wealth and riches for to get . And therefore , oftentimes they catch a most deserved fall , By running whetherse're the gods of riches do them call . Meane time , those holy Nimphs which on Pernassus hill do keepe , For want of suters , ever vnfrequented sit and weepe . But thou which lovest learning , wilt not such abuse permit , That goddesses should vnfrequented without succour sit . Those which are learned thou dost love , because thou learned art , All aide and favour which thou canst to them , thou dost impart . Proceede , proceede , as thou beginst thy bountie to declare , And as thou dost , of painefull schollers still to have a care . So in this world eternall fame and credite you shall gaine , And in the world to come , a full reward you shall attaine , There can no straighter paths be found nor any neerer waies Then these , whereby to merite store of everlasting praise . Wherefore proceede to love the learned as thou hast begunne , And have a care to cherish them as alwaies thou hast done . Continue long my friend , and with a kinde and loving looke , Vouchsafe for to accept my gift , this little merrie booke . If Fortune and the Gods above vpon my purpose smile , You shall have better fruits then these within this little while .

The end of the last booke of Grobianus and Grobiana .