CHAP. I. The humor of a young wife new married .

IT is the naturall inclination of a young gallant , in the pleasant prime , and flower of his florishing youth , being fresh , lusty , iocond , to take no other care , but to imploy his mony to buy gay presents for pretty Lasses , to frame his gréen wits in penning loue ditties , his voice to sing them sweetly , his wandring eyes to gaze one the fairest dames , and his wanton thoughts to plot meanes for the speedy accomplishment of his wished desires , according to the compasse of his estate . And albeit his parents or some other of his kindred , doe perhaps furnish him with necessary maintenance , so that he wants nothing , but liues in all ease and delight , yet cannot this content him , or satisfie his vnexperienced mind : for although he dayly see many married men , first lapt in lobbes pound , wanting former libertie , and compassed round in a cage of many cares , yet notwithstanding being ouer-ruled by selfe will , and blinded by folly : he suppose them therein to haue the fulnes of their delight , because they haue so neare them the Image of content , Venus starre gloriously blazing vpon them , I meane a daintie faire wife , brauely attired , whose apparell perhaps is not yet paide for , ( howsoeuer to draw their husbands into a fooles paradice ) they make him beleeue , that their father or mother haue of their cost and bounty affoorded it . This lustie youth ( as I earst said ) seeing them already in this maze of bitter sweetnes , he goes round about , turmoyling himselfe in seeking an entrance , and taking such paines to finde his owne paine , that in the end , in he gets , when for the hast he makes , to haue a taste of these supposed delicates , he hath no leisure to thinke , or no care to prouide those things that are hereunto requisite . The iolly yonker being thus gotten in , doth for a time swim in delight , and hath no desire at all to wind him selfe out againe , till time and vse , which makes all things more familiar and lesse pleasing , doe qualifie this humor , then glutted with satietie , or pinched with penury , he may perhaps begin to see his follie , and repent as well his fondnes , as his too much forwardnes , but all too late , he must haue patience perforce : his wife must be maintained according to her degrée , and withall ( commonly it happes she carie the right stomacke of a woman ) slender maintenance will not serue , for as their mindes mount aboue their estates , so commonly wil they haue their abillements . And if at a feast or some other gosseps méeting whereunto she is inuited , she sée any of the companie gaily attyred for cost , or fashion , or both , & chiefly the latter , for generally women do affect nouelties , she forthwith moues a question in her selfe , why she also should not be in like sort attyred , to haue her garments cut after the new fashion as well as the rest , and answers it with resolution , that she will , and must haue the like : Awaiting onely fit time and place , for the moning and winning of her husband therevnto , of both which she will make such choice , that when she speakes she will be sure to speede : obseruing her opportunitie when she might take her husband at the most aduantage , which is commonly in the bed , the gardaine of loue , the state of marriage delights , & the life wherin the weaker sexe hath euer the better : when therefore this lustie gallant would 〈◊〉 his desired pleasures , for which cause he chiefly ran wilfully into the perill of Lobs pound , then squeamishly she begins thus , saying ; I pray you husband let me alone , trouble me not , for I am not well at ease : which he hearing presently makes this reply . Why my sweet hart what ailes you , are you not well ? I pray thée wife tell me , where lies thy griefe ? or what is the cause of your discontent : wherevpon the vile woman fetching a déepe sigh , makes this answere . O husband God help me , I haue cause enough to gréeue , and if you knew all you would say so : but alas it is in vaine to tell you any thing , seeing that whatsoeuer I say , you make but light reckning of it : and therfore it is best for me to bury my sorrowes in silence , being out of hope to haue any help at your hands . Iesus wife ( saith he ) why vse you these words , is my vnkindnes such that I may not knowe your griefes ? tell me I say what is the matter ? In truth husband it were to no purpose , for I knowe your custome well inough ; as for my words , they are but wast wind in your eares , for how great soeuer my griefe is , I am assured you will but make light of it , and thinke that I speake it for some other purpose .

Goe too wife , saith her husband , tell it me , for I wil know it . Well husband , if you will needs , you shalt you know on Thursday last , I was sent for , and you wi●…led me to goe to Mistresse M. churching , and when I came thither I found great cheare , & no smal companie of wiues , but the meanest of them all was not so ill attired as I , and surely I was neuer so ashamed of my selfe in my life , yet I speak it not to praise my selfe : but it is well knowne , and I bare boldly say , that the best woman there came of no better stocke then I. But alas I speake not this for my selfe , for God wot I passe not how meanely I am apparelled , but I speake it for your credit & my friends . Why wife , saith he , of what calling & degrée were those you speak of ? Truly good husband ( saith she ) the meanest that was there , being but of my degrée , was in her gowné with trunck sléeues , her vardingale , her turkie grograin kirtle ; her taffety hat with a gold band , and these with the rest of her attire , made of the newest fashion , which is knowe the best : whereas I poore wretch had on my thread-bare gowne , which was made me so long agoe , against I was married , besides that it was now too short for me , for it is I remember since it was made aboue thrée yeares agoe , since which time I am growne very much , and so changed with cares and griefes , that I looke farre older then I am : Trust me I was so ashamed , being amongst my neighbours , that I had not the heart to looke vp , but that which gréeued me most was , when mistresse Luce. B and mistres T. say openly that it was a shame both for you and me , that I had no better apparell . Tush wise ( quoth the good-man ) let them say what they list , we are neuer a whit the worse for their words , we haue enough to doe with our money though we spend it not in apparell : you knowe wife when we met together , we had no great store of houshold stuffe , but were fain to buy t●… afterward by some and some , as God sent mony , and yet you see we want many things that is necessary to be had : besides the quarter day is neere , and my Landlord you know will not forbeare his rent : moreouer you see how much it costs me in law about the recouering of the Tenement which I should haue by you , God send me to get it quickly , or els I shall haue but a bad bargaine of it , for it hath already almost cost me as much as it is worth . At these words his wiues coller begins to rise , whereupon she makes h●… this answere . Iesus God ( saith she ) when you haue nothing else to hit me in the téeth withall , yée twit me with the Tenement : but it is my fortune . Why how now wife saith her husband , are you now angry for nothing ▪ Nay I am not angry , I must be content with that which God hath ordained for me : but I wis the time was , when I might haue bene better aduised , there are some yet liuing that would haue bene glad to haue me in my smock , whom you know well enough , to be propper young men , and therewithall wise and wealthy , but I verily suppose I was bewitcht to match with a man that loues me not , though I purchased the ill will of all my friends for his sake , this is all the good that I haue gotten thereby : I may truly say I am the most vnhahpy woman in the world : doe you thinke that Law . Tom. & N. M. ( who were both suters to me ) doe kéepe their wiues so ? no by cochs body , for I know the worst cloathes that they cast off , is better then my very best , which I weare on the cheifest dayes in the yeere : I know not what the cause is that so many good women die , but I would to God that I were dead too , that I might not troble you no more seeing I am such an eie sore vnto you . Now by my faith wife saith he , you say not well , there is nothing that I thinke too good for you , if my abillitie can compasse it . But you knowe our estate , we must doe as we may , & not as we would , yet be of good cheare , and turne to me , and I will straine my selfe to please you , in this or any other thing . Nay for Gods sake let me alone , I haue no mind on such matters , and if you had no more desire therto then I , I promise you , you wou'd neuer tuch me . No wife ( saith he ) hoping so with a iest to make hee mery , by my honestie I sweare , I verily thinke that if I were dead , you would not be long without another husband . No maruaile sure saith she , I lead such a good life with you now . By my christian soule I sweare , there should neuer man kisse my lipps againe . And if I thought I should liue long with you , I would vse meanes to make my selfe away : herewithall she puts finger in the eye making shew as though she wept . Thus plaies she with the sillie sot her husband ( meaning nothing lesse then to doe as she saies ) while he poore foole is in mind both wel and ill apaid , he thinkes himselfe well , because he imagines hee of a cold constitution , and therefore exceeding chast : he thinkes himselfe ill , to sée her fained teares , for that he verily supposes she loues him , which doth not a little gréeue him , being so kind and tender hearted . Therefore he vseth all meanes possible to make her quiet , neither wil he giue her ouer , till he hath effected it . But she prosecuting her former purpose , which she hath alreadie set in so faire a forwardnes , makes as though she were nothing moued with his gentle perswasions ; Therefore to crosse him , she gets her vp betimes in the morning , sooner a great deale then she was wont , pouting and lowring all the day , & not giuing him one good word . But when night comes , and they againe both in bed , laying her selfe sullenly downe , and continuing still silent , the good man harkens whether she sléep or no , feeles if she be wel couered or not , he softly plucks vp the cloaths vpon her , lapping her warme , being dubble diligent to please her ying all this while winking , noting his kindnes and carefulnes towards her , séemes on a suddaine to awake from a sound sléepe , gruntling and ●…ssing under the shéets , giuing him occasion thereby thus to begin . How now swéet hart , what are you a sléepe ? A sléepe ( saith she ) I faith sir no : a troubled mind can neuer take good rest . Why woman are you not quie yet ? No doubt ( saith she ) you care much whether The or no. By lady wife , and so I doe : and since yesternight I haue bethought me ( hauing well considered your words ) that it is very meete and requisite , that you should be better furnished with apparell then heretofore you haue bene , for indéed I must confesse thy cloaths are too simple . And therfore I mean against my cousin M. wedding ( which you know wil be shortly ) that you shall haue a new gowne , made on the bell fashion , with all things sutable thereunto , in such sort that the best woman in the parish shall not passe you . Nay ( quoth she ) God willing I mean to go to no weddings this twelue moneths , for the goodly credit I got by the last . By my faith ( ●…aith he ) but you shall : what ? you must not be so headstrong and selfe-wild . I tell you if I say the word , you shall goe , and you shall want nothing that you aske or require . That I aske ? alas husband ( quoth she ) I aske nothing , neither did I speake this for any desire Not she for twentie pound good woman that I haue to goe braue : trust me for mine o●…ne part I care not if I neuer stirre abroad , saue onely to church : but what I said was vpon the spéeches which were there vset , and such other like words , which my gossip N. told me that she had also heard in company where she was . With these words the good kind foole her husband is netted , for on the one side he considers his sundry other occasions to vse money , and his small store thereof , which is perhaps so stender , that his single purse cannot extempery change a double pistolet . And so ill bested is he of houshold stuffe , that perhaps the third part is not a sufficient pawne for so much money , as this new suite of his wiues will stand him in . But on the other side he waighes her discontent , the report of neighbours spéeches , and lastly , how good a wife he hath of her : how chast , how louing , how religious , whereof the kind Asse hath such an opinion , that he thankes God with all his heart , for blessing him with such a Iewell : In this thought he resolues that all other things set aside , he must and will content her . And here with all he sets his braines a fresh on worke , to consider how best he may compasse it : And in this humor he spends the whole night without sléepe , in continuall thought . And it comes to passe that the wife perceiuing to what a point she hath brought her purpose , doth not a little reioyce and smile in her sléeue to sée it . The next morning by the breake of day the poore man gets vp , who for care and thought could take no rest all night , and goes presently to the Drapers , of 〈◊〉 he takes , vp cloth for thrée moneths time , paying for it after an 〈◊〉 rate , by reason of their forbearance , and in like sort makes prouision for the rest ; or perhaps because he would buy it at a better rate , he pawnes for readie mony the lease of his house , or some faire péece of plate ( which his grandfather bought , and his father charily kéeping ) left for him , which now he is enforced to part with , to furnish thereby his wines pride : and hauing thus dispatched his busines , he returnes home with a merrie heart , and shewes his wife what he had done : who being now sure of all , begins to curse the first inuentors of pride , and excesse in apparell : saying , fye vpon it , what pride is this ? but I pray you husband , doe not say hereafter , that I made you lay out your mony in this néedles sort , for I profest that I haue no delight or desire to goe thus garishly : If I haue to couer my body and kéepe me warme it contents me . The good man hearing his wife say so , doth euen leape for ioy , thinking all her words Gospell , and therefore presently he sets the Taylor a worke , willing him to dispatch out of hand , that his wife may be braue so soone as may be . She hauing thus obtained her purpose , doth inwardly triumph for very ioy , howsoeuer outwardly she doth dissemble . And whereas before she vaunted , that she could find in her heart to kéepe alwaies within doores , she will be sure now euery good day to goe abroad , and at each feast and Gossips méeting to be a continuall guest , that all may see her brauerie , and how well she doth become it , for which cause she also comes euery Sunday daily to the Church , that there she may sée and be séene , which her husband thinke●… she doth of méere deuotion . But in the meane while the time runs on , and the day comes , wherein the poore man must pay his creditors , which being vnable to doe , he is at length arrested , and after due procéeding in law , he hath an execution serued vpon him , or else his pawne is forfaited , and by either of both he is almost vtterly vndone . Then must his fine wife of force vaile her peacocks plumes , and full againe to her old byas , kéeping her house against her will , because she could not be furnisht with gay attire according to her minde . But God knoweth in what miserie the ●…llie man doth liue , being daily vexed with her brawling and scolding , exclaiming against him , that all the house doth ring thereof , and in this sort she begins her fagaries . Now cursed be the day that euer I sawe thy face , and a shame take them that brought me first acquainted with thée : I would to God I had either died in my cradle , or gone to my graue when I went to be married with thée . Was euer woman of my degrée Alas poore soule . and birth brought to this beggerie ? Or any of my bringing vp kept thus basely , and brought to this shame 〈◊〉 I which little knew what labour meant , must now toyle and tend the house as a drudge , hauing neuer a coate to my bac●…e , or scant hansome hose to my legs , and yet all little enough , whereas I wis I might haue had twentie good mariages , in the meanest of which I should haue liued at ease and pleasure , without being put to any paine , or suffering an●… penurie . Wretch that I am , why doe I liue ? now would to God I were in my graue alreadie , for I am wearie of the world , wearie of my life , and wearie of all . Thus doth she daily complaine , and lay all the fault of her fall on him which least deserued it , nothing remembring her owne pride , in coueting things aboue her estate or abilitie , her misgouernment , and daily gadding with her Gossips to banquets and Brid●…les , when she should haue lookt to the house , and followed her owne busines at home . And his follie is also such , that being blinded with Dotage , ( through too much louing her , ) cannot perceiue that shée is the cause of all this euill , of all the cares , griefes , and thoughts , which perplere and torture him , and yet nothing cuts him so much as this , to sée her so f●…ish and vnquiet , when if he can at any time somewhat pacifie , then is his heart somewhat at rest . Thus doth the sillie wretch tosse and turmoyle himselfe in Lobs pound , wrapt in a kinde of pleasing woe , but of the which hee hath neither power , nor will to winde himselfe ; but therein doeth consume the remnant of his Languishing life , and miserablie ends his dayes .

CHAP. II. The humour of a Woman , pranked vp in braue Apparell .

THe nature of a Woman enclined to another kinde of humor , ( which is this ) when the Wife séeing her selfe brauely Apparelled , and that she is therewith faire and comely ( or if shée be not ) yet thinking her selfe so ( as Women are naturally giuen to sooth themselues , ) shee doth as I saide before , hunt after Feasts and Solemne méetings , wherewith her Husband perhaps is not very well pleased ; which shée perceiuing , the more to bleare his Eyes , shee takes with her some Kinswoman , or Gossip , or possible some lustie Gallant , of whome shee claimes Kinred , though in very déede there be no such matter , but onely a smooth colour to deceiue her Husband : And perchaunce to induce him the sooner to belieue it , her Mother ( which is priuie to the match , ) will not stiche to say , and sweare it is so ; Yet sometime the Husband to preuent his Wiues gadding , will raine some let , as want of Horses , or other like hinderances ; Then presently the Gossip or Kinswoman ( of whome before I spake , will thus solemnely assault him .

Belieue mee Gossip , I haue as little pleasure , as who hath least , in going abroade , for I wi●…e I had not so much businesse to doe this Twelue moneths as I haue at this instant : yet should I not goe to this Wedding , being so kindely bidden , I knowe the young Bride would take it in very ill part : Yea , and ( I may say to you ) so would our Neighbours , and others our Friends , which will bee there , who would verily imagine , we ●…pe away for some other cause : and were it not for this , I protest I would not stirre out of doores , neither would my Cousen your Wife haue any desire to goe thither : thus much I can truely witnesse , that I neuer knewe any woman take lesse delight in such things then your Wife ; or which being abroad , will make more haste to bee at home againe .

The sillie man her Husband , beeing vanquished by these wordes , and no longer able to denie their request , demaunds onely what other Women doe appoint to goe , and who shall man them ? Marrie Syr , ( saith shée ) that shall my Cousen H. And besides your Wife and I , there goes my Kins-woman T. and her Mother , mistresse H. and her Aunte : my Unckle T. and his Brother be mette with both their Wiues : Mistresse C. my next Neighbour : and to conclude , all the Women of account in this stréete : ( I dare boldly say , ) that honester companie there cannot bee , though it were to conueye a Kings Daughter .

Now it ofte chaunceth that this smooth tongued Oratri●… who pleades thus quaintly with womans Arte , must haue for her paines a Gowne-cloth , a Iewell , or some other recompence , if she preuaile with the good man , and cunningly play her part . He after some pause ( perhaps ) will replie in this sort ; Gossip , I confesse it is very good company , but my wife hath now great businesse at home , and besides she vseth to goe very much abroade , yet for this time I am content she shall goe ; But I pray you , Dame ( quoth he ) be at home betimes . His wife séeing that her gossip had gotten leaue , makes as if she cares not for going foorth , saying : By my Faith man I haue something else to doe , then to goe to a Brideall at this present : what , wee haue a great Houshold , I rude seruants ( God wot ) whose idlenes is such , that they will not doe any thing , if a bodies backe be turnde : for it is an olde Prouerbe : ( When the ●…atte is away , the Mouse will play . ) And therefore Gossip holde you content , we must not be altogether careles , nor set so much by our pleasure , to negled out profite ; And therefore hold me excused , for I cannot now be spared , nor I will not goe , that is flat . Nay good Gossip ( saith the other ) seeing your Husband hath giuen you leaue , let vs haue your companie this once , and if it bee but for my sake , such a chaunce as this comes not euery day . With that the good man taking the olde Gy●… aside , whispers her thus in hereare : were it not Gossip for the confidence I repose in you , I protest shee should not stirre out of doores at this time . Now as I am an honest woman ( quoth she ) and of my credit Gossip you shall not néede so doubt any thing .

Thus to Horse they get , and away they spurre , with a merrie gallop , laughing to themselues , mocking and flowting the silly man for his simplicitie : the one saying to the other , that hee had a shreinde Iealous braine , but it should auaile him nothing . Tush ( saith the young woman ) it is an olde saying , He had neede of a long spoone that will eare with the Diuell ; ) and shee of a good w●…te , that would preuent the Forie of a jealous foole : and with this and the like talke , they passe the 〈◊〉 till they come to the place appointed , where they méete with lustie Gallants , who ( paraduenture ) had at the former feast made the match , and were come thither of purpose so strike vp the bargaine . But howsoeuer it is , this lustie Lasse lackes no good cheare , nor any kindnesse which they can shew her .

Imagine now how forward she will be to shelue her best skill in Dauncing and singing , and how lightly shee will afterward estéeme her Husband : being thus courted and commended by a crewe of lustie Gallants , who séeing her so brauely attired , and graced with so swéete and smooth a tongue , so sharpe a wit , so amiable a countenance , will each striue to excéede other , in seruing , louing , and pleasing her : for the gallant carriage and wanton demeanour of so beautifull a péece , cannot chuse but incourage a méere Coward , and heate ( if not enflame ) a Frozen heart : One assayes her with sugred tearmes , and some pleasing discourse , painting foorth his affection with Louers eloquence : Another giues her a priuie Token , by straining her softe han●… ; or treading on her prettie foote ; Another Eyes her with a piercing and pittifull looke , making his countenance his faucies Herrold : and perhaps the third which is most likely to speed ) be●…ows vpon her a gold Ring , a Diamond , a Ruby , or some such like costly toye : By all which aforesaide tokens , she may well conceiue their meanings , ( if she haue any conceite at all , ) and sometimes it so falles out , that they fall in where they should not ; and shee stepping somewhat aside , doth so shrewdly straine her honestie , that hardly or neuer the griefe can be cured . But to procéede , this ouergorgious wantonning of his Wife , brings the poore man behind hand , and doth withall cause a greater inconuenience ; for in the end by one meanes or other , either through her too much boldnes , or her Louers want of warinesse , the matter at length comes to light , whereof some Friend or Kinsman giues him notice .

Hee being tickled by this bad report , thereupon searching further , findes it true , or gathers more likelyhood of suspition , and that presently infects his thoughts with Iealousie , into which mad tormenting humor , no wise man will euer fall ; for it is an euill both extreame and endles , especially ( if it be iustly conceiued , vpon the wiues knowne leaudres , for then there is no hope of curing . Shée on the other side ( séeing this , and receiuing for her loose life , many bitter spéeches ) doth closely kéepe on her olde course , but now more for spight then pleasure ; for it is in vaine to thinke that she will reclaime her selfe . And if hee ( hoping by constraint to make her honest ) fall to beating her , ( though hee use neuer so much seueritie , ) hee shall but kindle so much the more the fire of that leaude Loue , which she beares vnto others : hereon followes a heape of mischieses ; Hée growes carelesse of his busines , letting all things runne to ruine : She on the other side ( becomes shamelesse , ) conuerting into deadly hate the Loue that shee should beare him . Iudge now what a Purgatorie of perplerities the poore man doeth liue in ; and yet for all this , hee is so besotted , that hee séemes to take great pleasure in his paines , and to be so farre in loue with Lo●…s pou●…d , that were he not alreadie in , yet he would make all haste possible to be possessed of the place , there to consume the residue of his life , and miserably end his daies .

CHAP. III. The humour of a woman lying in Child-bed .

THere is another humor incident to a woman , when her husband sées her belly to grow big ( though peraduenture by the helpe of some other friend ) yet he perswades himselfe , it is a worke of his owne framing : and this bréedes him new cares and troubles , for then must he trot vp and downe day and night , farre and neare , to get with great cost that his wife longs for : if she let fall but a pin , he is diligent to take it vp , least she by stouping should hurt her selfe . She on the other side is so hard to please , that it is a great hap when he fits her humor , in bringing home that which likes her , though he spare no paines nor cost to get it . And oft times through ease and plentie she growes so queasie stomackt , that she can brooke no common meates , but longs for strange and rare things , which whether they be to be had or no , yet she must haue them there is no remedie . She must haue Cherries , though for a pound he pay ten shillings , or gréene Pescods at foure Nobles a pecke : yea , he must take a horse , and ride into the Countrey , to get her greene Codlings , when they are scarcely so big as a scotch button . In this trouble and vexation of mind and body , liues the silly man for fire or seuen moneths , all which time his wife doth nothing but complaine , and hee poore soule takes all the care , rising earely , going late to bed , and to be short , is faine to play both the husband and huswife . But when the time drawes néere of her lying downe , then must he trudge to get Gossips , such as she will appoint , or else all the fatte is in the fire . Consider then what cost and trouble it will be to him , to haue all things fine against the Christning day , what store of Sugar , Biskets , Comphets and Carawapes , Marmalet , and marchpaue , with all kind of swéete suckets , and superstitious banqueting stuffe , with a hundred other odde and needlesse trifles , which at that time must fill the pockets of daintie dames : Besides the charge of the midwife , she must haue her nurse to attend and kéepe her , who must make for her warme broaths , and costly cawdels , enough both for her selfe and her mistresse , being of the minde to fare no worse then she : If her mistresse be fedde with partridge , plouer , woodcocks , quailes , or any such like , the nurse must be partner with her in all these dainties : neither yet will that suffice , but during the whole moneth , she priuily pilfers away the suger , the 〈◊〉 and ginger , with all other spices that comes vnder her kéeping , putting the poore man to such expence , that in a whole reare he can scarcely recouer that one moneths charges . Then euery day after her lying downe will sundry dames visit her , which are her neighbours , her kinswomen , and other her speciall acquaintance , whom the goodman must welcome with all cheerefulnesse , and be sure there be some dainties in store to set before them : where they about some three or foure houres ( or possible halfe a day ) will sit chatting with the Child-wife , and by that time the cups of wine haue merily trold about , and halfe a dozen times moystned their lips with the sweet iuyce of the purple grape : They begin thus one with another to discourse ; Good Lord neighbour , I maruaile how our gossip Frees doth , I haue not seene the good soule this many a day .

Ah God helpe her , quoth another , for she hath her hands full of worke , and her heart full of heauinesse : While she drudges all the weeke at home , her husband , like an v●…thrift , neuer leaues running abroad to the Tennis court , and Dicing houses , spending all that euer he hath in such leaud sort : yea , and if that were the worst it is well : But heare you Gossip , there is another matter spoyles all , he cares no more for his wife then for a dog , but kéepes queanes euen vnder her nose . Iesu ! saith another , who would thinke he were such a man , he behaues himselfe so orderly and ciuilly , to all mens sights ? Tush , hold your peace Gossip ( saith the other ) it is commonly seene , the still sowe ●…ates vp all the drasse , he carries a smooth countenance , but a corrupt conscience : That I knowe F. well enough , I will not say he loues mistresse G goe too Gossip 〈◊〉 d●…ke to you Yea and saith another , there goes foule lies if G. himselfe loue not his maide N I can tell you their mouthes will not be stopt with a bushell of wheat that speake it . Then the third fetching a great sigh , saying , by my truth such an other bold Bettresse haue I at home : for neuer giue me credit Gossip , if I tooke her not the other day in close conference with her maister , but I thinke I beswaddeld my maide in such sort , that she will haue small list to doe so againe . Nay Gossip ( saith another ) had it bene to me , that should not haue serued her turne , but I would haue turned the queane out of doores to picke a Sallet : for ●…ot ye what Gossip ? it is ill setting fire and flare together : but I pray you tell me one thing , when saw you our friend mistresse O? now in good see the she is a kind creature , and a very gentle Peat : I promise you I saw her not since you and I dranke a pinte of wine with her in the fish market . ( O Gossip saith the other ) there is a great change since that time , for they haue bene faine to pawne all that euer they haue , and yet God knowes her husband lies still in prison . O the passion of my heart ( saith another ) is all their great and glorious shew come to nothing ▪ good Lord what a world is this ? Why Gossip ( saith another ) it was neuerlike to be otherwise , for they loued euer to goe●…ne ; and fare daintily , and by my faith Gossip , this is not a world for those matters , and thereupon I drinke to you . T is is commonly their communication , where they finde cheate according to their choyce . But if it happen contrarie , that they find not things in such plentie , and good order 〈◊〉 they would wish , then one or other of them will talke to this effect : Trust me Gossip I maruell much , and so doth also our other friends , that your husband is not ashamed to make such small account of you , and this your swéete child . If he be such a ●…iggard at the first , what will he be by that time he hath fiue or six ▪ it doth well appeare he beares but little loue to you : whereas you vouchsaffng to match with him , hath done him more credit then euer had any of his kinred . Before God , saith another , I had rather sée my husbands eyes out then he should serue me so : therefore if you be wise vse him not to it : neither in this sort let him tread you vnder foole : I tell you it is a foule shame for him , and you may be well assured sith he begins thus , that hereafter he will vse you in the same order , if not worse . In good sooth saith the third , it séemes very straunge to me , that a wise woman , and one of such parentage as you are , who as all men knowes is by blood farre his better , can endure to be thus vsed by a base companion : Blame vs not to speake good Gossip , for I protest the wrong that he doth you , doth likewise touch vs , and all other good women that are in yourcase .

The Child wife hearing all this , begins to wéepe , saying , Alas Gossip , I know not what to doe , or how to please him ; he is so diuerse and wayward a man , and besides , he thinkes all too much that is spent . ( Gossip he is saith one ) a bande and a naughtie man , and se it is well séene by your vsage . 〈◊〉 my Gossips here present can tell , that when I was marryed to my husband , euery one said that he was so hastie and hard to please that he would kill me with griefe : And indéed I may say to you , I found him crabbed enough : for he began to take vpon him mightily , and thought to haue wrought wonders , yet I haue vsed such meanes , that I haue fained : my young maister , and haue at this present brought him to that passe , that I dare sweare he had rather looss one of his ioynts , then Rangle with me : I will not denie but once or twise hée beate me shrewdly , which I God wot being young and tender tooke in gréeuous part , but what he got by it , let my Gossip T. report , who is yet a woman liuing , and can tell the whole storie : to whom my good man within a while after saide , that I was past remedie , and that he might sooner kill me , then doe any good by beating me , ( and by these ten bones so he should ) but in the ende I brought the matter so about , that I got the bridle into my owne hands , so that I may now say , I doe what I li●…t : for be it right or wrong , if I say it , hée will not gainsay it , ( for by this Golde on my finger , let him doe what he can I will be sure to haue the last word : so that in very déed , if that Women he made vnderlings by their Husbands , the fault is their owne : For ther is not any man aliue , ( be he neuer so churlish ) but his ●…ife may make him quiet and gentle enough , if she haue any wit ; And therefore your Good-man serues you but well enough , sith you will take it so .

Belieue me Gossip ( saith another , ) were I in your case , I would giue him such welcome , at his comming home , and ring such a peale of badde wordes in his eares , that hee should haue small ioy to stay the hearing .

Thus is the poore Man handled behinde his backe , whiles they make no spare to helpe away with his good Wine and Sugar , ( which he hath prepared , ) whome they for his kindnesse thus ingratefully requite : Yea and now and then hauing their braines well heated , they will not sticke to taunt him to his face : Accusing him of little Loue , and great vnkindnesse to his Wife .

Now it doth many tunes so chaunce , that hee hauing bene foorth to prouide such meates as shee would haue , he commeth borne ( perhappes at midnight , ) and before hee sitteth downe to rest himselfe , hath a very earnest desire to knowe how his Wife doth , and perchaunce being loath to lye abroade , because of Erpences , trauailes the later , that he may reach to his owne house ; where ( when he is once come , ) hée asketh the Chamber-maide , or else the Nurse , how his Wife doeth : they hauing their Errand before giuen them by their Mistresse , answeres , shee is very ill at ease , and that since his departure shee tasted not one bit of meate , but that towards the Euening she beganne to be a little better , all which be méere Lyes . But the Poore-man hearing these wordes , grieues not a little , though he be all to bemoylde , weary and wet , hauing gone a long iourney , through a hadde and filthie way , vpon some ill paced trotting ●…de , and it may bée is fasting too , yet will he naither eate ●…or drinke , nor ( so much as once sit downe ) till he haue séene his Wife . Then the pratling Idle Nurse , which is not to learne to erpioyte such a péece of Seruice , beginnes to looke verie heaheauily , and to sigh inwardly as though her Mistresse had bene that day at the point of Death , which he seeing , was ●…he more earnest to visit his wife : whom at the entrance of the Chamber , he heares lye groning to her selfe , and comming to the Beds side , kindly sits downe by her , saying how now my sweet heart , how doest thou ? Ah Husband ( saith she ) I am very ill , nor was I euer so sicke in my life as I haue bene this day . Alas good soule ( saith he ) I am the more sorrie to heare it . I pray thée tell mee where lies thy paine ? Ah Husband ( quoth she ) you know I haue bene weake a long time , and not able to eate any thing . But Wife ( quoth he ) why did you not cause the Nurse to boyle you a Capon , and make a messe of good Broath for you ? So shee did ( saith his wife ) as well as she could , but it did not like me God wote , and by that meanes I haue eaten nothing , since the broath which your selfe made me : Oh me thought that was excellent good .

Marie Wife ( saith he ) I will presently make you some more of the same , and you shall eate it for my sake . With all my hart good Husband ( saith shee ) and I shall thinke my selfe highly beholding vnto you . Then trudgeth hee into the Kitchin ; there playes hee the Cooks , burning and broyling himselfe ouer the fire , hauing his eyes ready to be put out with smoake , while hee is busie in making the Broath : what time hee chides with his Maides , calling them beasts and baggages , that knowes not how to doe any thing ; Not so much as make a little broath for a ●…cke body , but he must be faine to doe it him selfe . Then comes downe Mistris Nurse as fine as a farthing Fiddle , in her petticoate and Kirtle , hauing on a white wast-coate , with a Flaunting cambricke ruffe about her necke , who like a Doctris in Facultie , comes thus vpon him . Good Lord Syr , what paines you take , here is no bodie can please our Mistresse but your selfe : I will assure you ( on my credite ) that I doe what I can , yet for my life , I cannot I , any way content her . Moreouer , here came in Mistresse Cot. and Mistresse Con. who did both of them what they could to haue your Wife eate something ; Neuertheles all that they did , could not make her taste one spoonefull of any thing all this liue-long day : I know not what she ayles , I haue kept manie Women in my time , both of worship and 〈◊〉 , ( simple though I stand heere , ) but I neuer knewe any so weake as shee is ; I , I ( quoth he ) you are a companie of cunning Cookes , that cannot make a little Broath as it should be . And by this time the broath being ready , hee brings it straight to his Wife , comforting her with many kind words , praying her to eate for his sake , or to ●…ast a spoonefull or twaine , which she doth , commending it to the Heauens , affirming also , that the Broath which the others made had no good taste in the world , and was nothing worth . The good man hereof beeing not a little proude , biddes them make a good ●…e in his Wiues chamber , charging them to tend her well . And hauing giuen this direction , hee gettes himselfe to Supper , with some colde meate set before him , such as the Gossips left , or his Nurse could spare , and hauing this short pittance hee goes to Bedde full of care .

The next morning he gets him vp betimes , and comes verie kindely to know how his Wife doth , who presently pops him in the mouth with a smooth Lye ; saying , that all night she could take no rest till it grewe towards the morning , and then she beganne to féele 〈◊〉 little more ease , when God knowes shee neuer slept more soundly in all her life . Well Wife , ( saide the good man , ) you must remember that this night is our Gossips Supper , and they will come hither with many other of our Friends , therefore we must prouide some good thing for them ; Especially because it is your Upsitting , and a fortnight at the least since you were brought to Bedde : but good Wife , let vs goe as néere to the world as we may ; seeing that our great charge doth euery day increase , and money was neuer so ill to come by .

She hearing him to say so , beginnes to po●…t , saying ; would for my part I had dyed in Trauell , and my poore Infant beene strangled in the Birth , so should you not be troubled with vs at all , nor haue cause to repine so much at our spending : I am sure there is neuer a Woman in the worlde , that in my case hath worse kéeping , or is lesse chargeable , yet let me pinch and spare , and doe what I can , all is thought too much that I haue : Trust mee I care not a strawe whether you prouide me anie thing or no , although the sorrowe bee mine , the shame will be yours , as yesterday ; for example : I am sure here came in aboue a dozen of our Neighbours and Friendes , of méere kindenesse to see mée , and know how I did , who by their countenance and comming did you greater credite then you deserue : But God knowes what entertainment they had , hauing nothing in the house to set before them , which made me so much ashamed , that I knewe not what to say ; I le tell you what , before God I may boldly speake it , ( for I haue séene it , ) that when any one of them Lyes in , their very Seruants haue better fare then I my selfe haue had at your handes , which they séeing ( betwixt themselues yesterday when they were here , did most cunningly flowte both you and me for their entertainment . I haue not ( as you know ) lyen in aboue fiftéene dayes , and can yet scant stand on my legs , and you thinke the tin●…e too long , till I be ●…yling about the house ( to catch my bane , ) as I feare I haue done already . Belieue me Wife ( qd. he ) you mistake me greatly , for no man in the world can bee morekinde to his Wise , then I haue bene to you . Kinde to me ( quoth she ) by the masse that you haue with a murren ; No doubt but I haue had a swéet messe of cherishing at your handes , but I sée yourdrifte well enough , you gape euery day for my death , and I would to God it were so for mee : The month indéede is halfe expirde , and I feare the rest will come , before wee be ready for it : My Sister S. was heere no longer agoe then to day , and askt if I had euer a newe Gowne to be Churched in , but God wote I am farre enough from it , neither doe I desire it , though it be a thing which ought both by reason and custome to be obserued .

And because it is your pleasure , I will rise to morrow , what chaunce soeuer befall , for the worst is , I can but loose my life : full well may I gather by this , how you will vse me heereafter , and what account you would make of me , if I had nine or ten children , but God forbid it should euer come so to passe , I desire rather to be rid of my life , and so to shunne the shame of the world , then long to liue with such an vnkinde churle . Now verily wise ( saith the Good man ) I must néedes blame your impatience , for growing so chollericke without cause . Without cause ( quoth she ? ) Doe you thinke I haue no iust cause to complaine ? I will assure you there is neuer a woman of my degrée , that would put vp the intollerable iniuries that I haue done , and dayly doe , by meanes of your hoggish conditions . Well wife saith the good man , lye as long as you list , and rise when you will , but I pray you tell me how this new gowne may be had , which you so earnestly aske for ? By my faith ( quoth The Fox will eate no grapes she ) you say not well , for I aske nothing at your hands , neither would I haue it though I might : I thanke God I haue gownes enough alreadie , and sufficient to serue my turne , and you know I take no delight in garish attire , for I am past a girle , but it makes me smile to see what a shew of kindnes you would faine make 〈◊〉 thee dissembler , you can cog and flatter as well as any man in this towne , and full little thinke they that sée you abroad , what a diuell you are at home : for what with your crooked qualities , with toyling , moyling , carking and caring , and being beside broken with Child beating , my countenance is quite changed , so that I looke alreadie as withered , as the barke of an Elder bough : There is my Cousen T. T. who No more like the woman I was , then an apple is like an oyster . when I was a little girle , was at womans estate ; and in the end married Maister II with whom shée leades a Ladies life , looking so young and lustie , that I may séeme to be her mother : I , I , such is the difference twixt a kind , and an vncourteous husband , and who knowes not but he was a suter to me , and made many a iourney to my fathers house for my sake , and would so saine haue had me , that while I was to marrie , he would not match himselfe with any : but so much was I bewitcht , that after I had once séene you , I would not haue changed for the best Lord in the land , and this I haue in recompence of my loue and loyaltie . Goe too wife ( saith he ) I pray you leaue these lauish spéeches , and let vs call to minde where we may best take vp cloth for your gowne : for you sée , such is our weake estate , that if we should rashly lay out that little money which is in the house , we might possibly bee vnprouided of all other necessaries : Therefore whatsoeuer should chaunce hereafter , it is best to kéepe something against a rainyday : And againe you know within these eight or nine dayes , I haue fiue pound to pay to Maister P. which must be done there is no shift , otherwise I am like to sustaine trebble dammage . Tush ( quoth she ) what talke you to me of those matters : Alas I aske you nothing : I would to God I were once rid of this trouble : I pray you let me take some rest , for my head akes ( God helpe me as it would goe in péeces ) Iwis you féele not my paine , and you take little care for my griefe : Therefore I pray you send my Gossips word that they may not come , for I féele my selfe very ill at ease . Not so ( quoth he ) I will neither breake custome , nor so much as gainesay their courteous offer , they shall come sure , and be entertained in tho best manner I may . Well ( quoth she ) I would to God you woul●… leaue me , that I might take a little rest , and then doe as you list . Upon these spéeches the Nurse straight steppes in , and roundes her maister in the eare , I pray you Sir doe not force her to many words , for it makes her head light , and doth great harme to a woman in her case , especially her braines being so light for want of sleepe : and besides , she is God knowes , a woman of a tender and choyre complexion , and with that she drawes the Curtaines about the bed . Thus is the poore man held in suspence till the next day that the Gossips come , who will play their parts so kindly , and gaule him so to the quicke with their ●…uibs and taunts , that his courage will be wholy quailde , and he readie ( if they should bid him , like the prodigall childe , euen to eate dr●…ffe with the hogges ) rather then he would displease them . But to procéede , he in the meane while is double diligence , to prouide all things against their comming , according to his abilitie , and by reason of his wiues words , he buyes more meate , and prepares a great deale better cheare then he thought to haue done . At their comming he is readie to welcome them with his Cap in hand , and all the kindnesse that may be shewed . Then doth he trudge bare-headed vp and downe the house , with a chearefull countenance , like a good Asse , fit to beare the burthen , he brings the Gossips vp to his wife , and comming first to her himselfe , he tels her of their comming . Iwis ( quoth she ) I had rather they had kept at home , and so they would too , if they knew how little pleasure I tooke in their comming . Nay I pray you wife ( saith he ) giue them good countenance , seeing they be come for good will : with this they enter , and after mutuall greetings , with much gossips ceremonies , downe they sit and there spend the whole day , in breaking their fastes , dining , and in making an after noones repast : besides their pettie suppings at her beds side , and at the cradle , where they discharge their parts so well , in helping him away with his good Wine and Sugar , that the poore man comming oft to cheare them , doth well perceiue it , and gréeues inwardly thereat , howsoeuer he couers his discontent with a merrie countenance . But they not caring how the game goes , take their peniworths of that cheare which is before them , neuer asking how it comes there , and so they merily passe the time away , pratling and tatling of many good matters . Afterward the poore man tr●…ts vp and downe anew , to get his wife the foresaid gowne and all other things theretoo sutable , whereby he sets himselfe soundly in debt : sometimes he is troubled with the childs brawling : sometimes he is brawld at by the nurse : then his wife complaines , that she was neuer well since she was brought to bed , then must he cast his cares anew , deuising by what meanes to discharge his debts and lesson his expences : then resolues he to diminish his owne port , and augment his wiues brauerie , he will goe all the yeare in one sute , and make two paire of shooes serue him a twelue moneth , kéeping one paire for holy daies , another for working daies , and one hat in thrée or foure yeares . Thus according to his owne rash desire , he is vp to the eares in Lobs p●…wnd , and for all the woe and wretchednes that he hath felt , he would not yet be out againe , but doth then willingly consume his selfe in continuall care , sorrow and trouble , till death doth set him frée .