2 The Honest Whore

THE HONEST WHORE .

Actus primus , Scaena prima . Enter at one doore Beraldo , Carolo , Fontinell , Astolfo , with Seruingmen , or Pages attending on them ; at another doore enter Lodouico , meeting them . Lodouico . GOod day , Gallants . Omnes . Good morrow , sweet Lodouico . Lodo. How doest thou Carolo . Carolo.

Faith , as Physicions doe in a Plague , see the World sicke , and am well my selfe .

Fontinell . Here 's a sweet morning , Gentlemen . Lod.

Oh , a morning to tempt Ioue from his Ningle Ganimed , which is but to giue Dary Wenches greene gownes as they are going a milking ; what , is thy Lord stirring yet ?

Astolfo . Yes , he will not be horst this houre , sure . Bercaldo .

My Lady sweares he shall , for she longs to bee at Court .

Carolo.

Oh , wee shall ride switch and spurre , would we were there once .

Enter Bryan the Footeman . Lod. How now , is thy Lord ready ? Bryan .

No so crees sa mee , my Lady will haue some little Tyng in her pelly first .

Caro. Oh , then they 'le to breakefast . Lod.

Footman , does my Lord ride y' th Coach with my Lady , or on horsebacke ?

Bry.

No foot la , my Lady will haue me Lord sheet wid her , my Lord will sheet in de one side , and my Lady sheet in de toder side .

Exeunt . Lod.

My Lady sheet in de toder side : did you euer here a Rascall talke so like a Pagan ? Is 't not strange that a fellow of his starre , should bee seene here so long in Italy , yet speake so from a Christian ?

Enter Anthonio , Georgio , a poore Scholler . Aslol.

An Irishman in Italy ! that so strange ! why , the nation haue running heads .

Exchange Walke . Lod.

Nay Carolo , this is more strange , I ha bin in France , there s few of them : Mary , England they count a warme chimny corner , and there they swarme like Crickets to the creuice of a Brew-house ; but Sir , in England I haue noted one thing .

Omnes . What 's that , what 's that of England ? Lod. Mary this Sir , what 's he yonder ? Bert. A poore fellow would speake with my Lord . Lod.

In England , Sir , troth I euer laugh when I thinke on 't : to see a whole Nation should be mark't i' th forehead , as a man may say , with one Iron : why Sir , there all Costermongers are Irishmen .

Caro.

Oh , that 's to show their Antiquity , as comming from Eue , who was an Apple-wife , and they take after the Mother .

Omnes . Good , good , ha , ha . Lod.

Why then , should all your Chimny-sweepers likewise be Irishmen ? answer that now , come , your wit .

Caro.

Faith , that 's soone answered , for S. Patricke you know keepes Purgatory , hee makes the fire , and his Country-men could doe nothing , if they cannot sweepe the Chimnies .

Omnes . Good agen . Lod.

Then , Sir , haue you many of them ( like this fellow ) ( especially those of his haire ) Footmen to Noblemen and others , and the Knaues are very faithfull where they loue , by my faith very proper men many of them , and as actiue as the cloudes , whirre , hah .

Omnes . Are they so ? Lod.

And stout ! exceeding stout ; Why , I warrant , this precious wild Villaine , if hee were put to 't , would fight more desperately then sixteene Dunkerkes .

Asto. The women they say are very faire . Lod.

No , no , our Country Bona Robaes , oh ! are the sugrest delicious Rogues .

Asto. Oh , looke , he has a feeling of them . Lod.

Not I , I protest , there 's a saying when they commend Nations : It goes , the Irishman for his hand , Welshman for a leg , the Englishman for a face , the Dutchman for beard .

Fron. I faith , they may make swabbers of them . Lod. The Spaniard , let me see , for a little foot ( I take it ) the Frenchman , what a pox hath he ? and so of the rest . Are they at breakfast yet ? come walke . Ast. This Lodouico , is a notable tounged fellow . Fron. Discourses well . Berc. And a very honest Gentleman . Asto. Oh! hee 's well valued by my Lord . Enter Bellafront with a Petition . Fron. How now , how now , what 's she ? Bert. Let 's make towards her . Bella. Will it be long , sir , ere my Lord come forth ? Ast. Would you speake with my Lord ? Lod.

How now , what 's this , a Nurses Bill ? hath any here got thee with child , and now will not keepe it ?

Bolla . No sir , my businesse is vnto my Lord . Lod.

Hee 's about his owne wife now , hee 'le hardly dispatch two causes in a morning .

Asto.

No matter what he saies , faire Lady , hee 's a Knight , there 's no hold to be taken at his words .

Fro. My Lord will passe this way presently . Bert. A pretty plumpe Rogue . Ast. A good lusty bouncing baggage . Bert. Doe you know her ? Lod.

A pox on her , I was sure her name was in my Table-booke once , I know not of what cut her dye is now , but she has beene more common then Tobacco : this is she that had the name of the Honest Whore .

Omnes . Is this she ? Lod.

This is the Blackamore that by washing was turned white : this is the Birding Peece new scowred : this is shee that ( if any of her religion can be saued ) was saued by my Lord Hipolito .

Asto. She has beene a goodly creature . Lod.

She has bin ! that 's the Epitaph of all Whores , I 'm well acquainted with the poore Gentleman her Husband , Lord ! what fortunes that man has ouerreached ? She knowes not me , yet I haue beene in her company , I scarce know her , for the beauty of her cheeke hath ( like the Moone ) suffred strange Eclipses since I beheld it : but women are like Medlars ( no sooner ripe but rotten . )

A woman last was made , but is spent first , Yet man is oft proued , in performance worst . Omnes . My Lord is come . Enter Hypolito , Infaeliche , and two waiting women . Hip. We ha wasted halfe this morning : morrow Lodouico . Lod. Morrow Madam . Hip. Let 's away to Horse . Omnes . I , I to Horse , to Horse . Bela.

I doe beseech your Lordship , let your eye read e're this wretched Paper .

Hip. I 'm in hast , pray the good woman take some apter time . Insae. Good Woman doe . Bel. Oh las ! it does concerne a poore mans life . Hip.

Life ! sweet heart ? Seat your selfe , I l'e but read this and come .

Lod.

What stockings haue you put on this morning , Madam ? if they be not yellow , change them ; that paper is a Letter from some Wench to your Husband .

Infae Oh sir , that cannot make me iealous . Exeunt . Hip. Your busines , sir , to me ? Ant. Yes my good Lord . Hip. Presently sir ; are you Mathaeos wife . Bela. That most vnfortunate woman . Hip. I 'm sorry these stormes are fallen on him , I loue Mathaeo . And any good shall doe him , hee and I . Haue sealed two bonds of friendship , which are strong In me , how euer Fortune does him wrong ; He speakes here hee 's condemned . Is 't so ? Bel. Too true . Hip.

What was he whom he killed ? Oh , his name 's here ; old lacomo , sonne to the Florentine lacomo , a dog , that to meet profit , would to the very eyelids wade in blood of his owne children . Tell Mathaeo , the Duke my father hardly shall deny his signed pardon , 't was faire fight , yes if rumors tongue goe true , so writes he here .

To morrow morning I returne from Court ; Pray be you here then . I le haue done sir straight : But in troth say , are you Mathaeos wife ? You haue forgot me . Bel. No , my Lord . Hip. Your Turner , That made you smooth to run an euen byas , You know I loued you when your very soule Was full of discord : art not a good wench still ? Bel. Vmph , when I had lost my way to heauen , you shewed it : I was new borne that day . Enter Lodouico . Lod.

S'foot , my Lord , your Lady askes if you haue not left your Wench yet ? When you get in once , you neuer haue done : come , come , come , pay your old score , and send her packing , come .

Hip. Ride softly on before , I le oretake you . Lod.

Your Lady sweares she 'll haue no riding on before , without ye .

Hip. Prethee good Lodonico . Lod. My Lord pray hasten . Hip.

I come : to morrow let me see you , fare you well : commend me to Mathaeo : pray one word more : Does not your father liue about the Court ?

Bel. I thinke he does , but such rude spots of shame Stick on my cheeke , that he scarce knowes my name . Hip. Orlando Friscabaldo , Is 't not ? Bel. Yes my Lord . Hip. What does he for you ? Bel. All he should : when Children From duty start , Parents from loue may swarue . He nothing does : for nothing I deserue . Hip.

Shall I ioyne him vnto you , and restore you to wonted grace ?

Bel. It is impossible . Exit Bellaf . Hip. It shall be put to tryall : fare you well : The face I would not looke on I sure then 't was rare , When in despight of griefe , 't is still thus faire . Now , sir , your businesse with me . Ant.

I am bold to expresse my loue and duty to your Lordship in these few leaues .

Hip. A Booke ! Ant. Yes my good Lord . Hip. Are you a Scholler ? Ant. Yes , my Lord , a poore one . Hip. Sir , you honor me . Kings may be Schollers Patrons , but faith tell me , To how many hands besides hath this bird flowne , How many partners share with me ? An. Not one in troth , not one : your name I held more deare , I 'm not ( my Lord ) of that low Character . Hip. Your name I pray ? Ant. Antonio Georgio . Hip. Of Millan ? Ant. Yes my Lord . Hip. I le borrow leaue To read you o're , and then we 'll talke : till then Drinke vp this gold , good wits should loue good wine , This of your loues , the earnest that of mine . How now , sir , where 's your Lady , not gone yet ? Enter Bryan . Bryan .

I fart di Lady is runne away from dee , a mighty deale of ground , she sent me backe for dine owne sweet face , I pray dee come my Lord away , wut tow goe now ?

Hip. Is the Coach gone ? Saddle my Horse the sorrell . Bryan .

A pox a de Horses nose , he is a lowsy rascally fellow , when I came to gird his belly , his scuruy guts rumbled , di Horse farted in my face , and dow knowest , an Irishman cannot abide a fart , but I haue saddled de Hobby-horse , di fine Hobby is ready , I pray dee my good sweet Lord , wit tow goe now , and I will-runne to de Deuill before dee ?

Hip. Well , sir , I pray le ts see you Master Scholler . Bry. Come I pray dee , wut come sweet face ? Goe . Exeunt . Enter Lodouico , Carolo , Astolpho , Bercaldo . Lod. Gods so , Gentlemen , what doe we forget ? Omnes . What ? Lod.

Are not we all enioyned as this day , Thursday is 't not ? I as that day to be at the Linnen-drapers house at dinner ?

Car. Signior Candido , the patient man . Asto. Afore Ioue , true , vpon this day hee 's married . Berc.

I wonder , that being so stung with a Waspe before , he dares venture againe to come about the eaues amongst Bees .

Lod.

Oh 't is rare sucking a sweet Hony-combe ; pray Heauen his old wife be buried deepe enough , that she rise not vp to call for her daunce , the poore Fidlers Instruments would cracke for it , shee 'd tickle them : at any hand le ts try what mettle is in his new Bride , if there be none , we 'll put in some ; troth it 's a very noble Citizen , I pitty he should marry againe , I le walke along , for it is a good old fellow .

Caro.

I warrant , the Wiues of Millan would giue any fellow twenty thousand Duckets , that could but haue the face to beg of the Duke , that all the Citizens in Millan might be bound to the peace of patience , as the Linnen-draper is .

Lod.

Oh fy vpon 't , 't would vndoe all vs that are Courtiers , we should haue no whoe with the wenches then .

Enter Hipollito . Omnes . My Lord 's come . Hip. How now , what newes ? Omnes . None . Lod. Your Lady is with the Duke her Father . Hip. And we 'll to them both presently , whoe 's that ? Enter Orlando Friscobaldo . Omnes . Signior Friscabaldo . Hip.

Friscabaldo , oh ! pray call him , and leaue me , wee two haue businesse .

Car. Ho Signior ! Signior Friscabaldo . The Lord Hipollito . Exeunt . Orla.

My Noble Lord : my Lord Hipollito ! the Dukes Sonne ! his braue Daughters braue Husband ! how does your honord Lordship ! does your Nobility remember so poore a Gentleman as Signior Orlando Friscabaldo ! old mad Orlando !

Hip.

Oh sir , our friends ! they ought to be vnto vs as our Iewels , as dearely valued , being locked vp , & vnseene , as when we weare them in our hands . I see , Friscabaldo , age hath not command of your blood , for all Times sickle has gone ouer you , you are Orlando still .

Orl ,

Why my Lord , are not the fields mowen and cut downe , and stript bare , and yet weare they not pide coates againe ? tho my head be like a Leeke , white : may not my heart be like the blade , greene ?

Hip. Scarce can I read the Stories on your brow , Which age hath writ there , you looke youthfull still . Orla. I eate Snakes , my Lord , I eate Snakes . My heart shall neuer haue a wrinkle in it , so long as I can cry Hem with a cleare voice . Hip. You are the happier man , sir . Orla.

Happy man ! I le giue you ( my Lord ) the true picture of a happy man ; I was turning leaues ouer this morning , and found it , an excellent Italian Painter drew it , If I haue it in the right colours , I le bestow it on your Lordship .

Hip. I stay for it . Orla. He that makes gold his wife , but not his whore , He that at noone-day walkes by a prison doore , He that 'i th Sunne is neither beame nor moate , He that 's not mad after a Petticoate , He for whom poore mens curses dig no graue , He that is neither Lords nor Lawyers slaue , He that makes This his Sea , and That his Shore , He that in 's Coffin is richer then before , He that counts Youth his Sword , and Age his Staffe , He whose right hand carues his owne Epitaph , He that vpon his death-bead is a Swan , And Dead , no Crow , he is a happy man . Hip. It 's very well , I thanke you for this Picture . Orla.

After this Picture ( my Lord ) doe I striue to haue my face drawne :

For I am not couetous , Am not in debt , Sit neither at the Dukes side , Nor lie at his feete . Wenching and I haue done , no man I wrong , No man I feare , no man I fee ; I take heed how farre I walke , because I know yonder s my home . I would not die like a rich man , to carry nothing away saue a winding sheete : But like a good man , to leaue Orlando behind me . I sowed leaues in my Youth , and I reape now Bookes in my Age . I fill this hand , and empty this , and when the bell shall toll for me , if I proue a Swan & go singing to my nest , why so ? If a Crow ! throw me out for carrion , & pick out mine eyes , May not old Friscabaldo ( my Lord ) be merry now ! ha ? Hip. You may , would I were partner in your mirth . Orla. I haue a little , Haue all things ; I haue nothing ; I haue no wife , I haue no child , haue no chick , and why should not I be in my Iocundare ? Hip. Is your wife then departed ? Orla. She 's an old dweller in those high Countries , Yet not from me ,

Here , she 's here : but before me , when a Knaue and a Queane are married , they commonly walke like Serieants together : but a good couple are seldome parted .

Hip. You had a Daughter too sir , had you not ? Orla.

Oh my Lord ! this old Tree had one Branch , ( and but one Branch growing out of it ) It was young , it was faire , it was straight ; I prunnde it daily , drest it carefully , kept it from the winde , help'd it to the Sunne , yet for all my skill in planting , it grew crooked , it bore Crabs ; I hewed it downe ,

What 's become of it , I neither know , nor care . Hip. Then can I tell you what s become of it ; That Branch is witherd . Orl. So 't was long agoe . Hip. Her name I thinke was Bellafront , she 's dead . Orlando . Ha ? dead ? Hip. Yes , what of her was left , not worth the keeping , Euen in my sight was throwne into a Graue . Orl.

Dead ! my last and best peace goe with her , I see deaths a good trencherman , he can eat course homely meat , as well as the daintiest .

Hip. Why , Friscabaldo , was she homely ? Orla.

O my Lord ! a Strumpet is one of the Deuils Vines ; all the sinnes like so many Poles are stucke vpright out of hell , to be her props , that she may spread vpon them . And when she 's ripe , euery Slaue has a pull at her , then must she be prest . The yong beautifull Grape sets the teeth of Lust on edge , yet to taste that lickrish Wine , is to drinke a mans owne damnation . Is she dead ?

Hip. Shee 's turned to earth . Orla.

Wod she were turn'd to heauen ; Vmh , is she dead ! I am glad the world has lost one of his Idols ; no Whoremonger will at midnight beat at the doores ; In her graue sleepe all my shame , and her owne ; and all my sorrowes , and all her sinnes .

Hip. I 'm glad you are wax , not marble ; you are made Of mans best temper , there are now good hopes That all these heapes of Ice about your heart , By which a fathers loue was frozen vp , Are thawed in these sweet showres fetcht from your eyes , We are ne'r like Angels till our passion dyes , She is not dead , but liues vnder worse fate , I thinke she 's poore , and more to clip her wings , Her Husband at this houre lies in the Iayle , For killing of a man , to saue his blood , Ioyne all your force with mine : mine shall be showne , The getting of his life preserues your owne . Orla. In my daughter you will say ! does she liue then ?

I am sorry I wasted teares vpon a Harlot , but the best is I haue a handkercher to drinke them vp , sope can wash them all out agen .

Is she poore ? Hip. Trust me , I thinke she is . Orla.

Then she 's a right Strumpet ; I ne'r knew any of their trade rich two yeeres together ; Siues can hold no water , nor Harlots hoord vp money ; they haue many vents , too many sluces to let it out ; Tauernes , Taylors , Bawds , Panders , Fidlers , Swaggerers , Fooles and Knaues , doe all waite vpon a common Harlots trencher : she is the Gally-pot to which these Drones flye : not for loue to the pot , but for the sweet sucket within it , her money , her money .

Hip.

I almost dare pawne my word , her bosome giues warmth to no such Snakes ; when did you see her ?

Orla. Not seuenteene Summers . Hip. Is your hate so old ? Orla.

Older ; it has a white head , and shall neuer dye till she be buried ,

Her wrongs shall be my bedfellow . Hip. Worke yet his life , since in it liues her fame . Orla.

No , let him hang , and halfe her infamy departs out of the world : I hate him for her ; he taught her first to taste poyson ; I hate her for her selfe , because she refused my Physicke .

Hip. Nay but Friscabaldo . Orl. I detest her , I defie both , she 's not mine , she 's . Hip. Heare her but speake . Orl. I loue no Maremaides , I le not be caught with a quaill pipe . Hip. Y' are now beyond all reason . Orl.

I am then a Beast . Sir , I had rather be a beast , and not dishonor my creation , then be a doting father , & like Time , be the destruction of mine owne broode .

Hip. Is 't dotage to relieue your child being poore ? Orl. Is 't fit for an old man to keepe a whore ? Hip. 'T is charity too . Orl. 'T is foolery ; releeue her ! Were her cold limbes stretcht out vpon a Beere , I would not sell this durt vnder my nailes To buy her an houres breath , nor giue this haire , Vnlesse it were to choke her . Hip. Fare you well , for I le trouble you no more . Exit . Orl.

And fare you well sir , goe thy waies , we haue few Lords of thy making , that loue wenches for their honesty ; Las my Girle ! art thou poore ? pouerty dwells next doore to despaire , there 's but a wall betweene them ; despaire is one of hells Catch-poles ; and lest that Deuill arrest her , I le to her , yet she shall not know me ; she shall drinke of my wealth , as beggers doe of running water , freely , yet neuer know from what Fountaines head it flowes . Shall a silly bird picke her owne brest to nourish her yong ones , and can a father see his child starue ? That were hard ; The Pelican does it , and shall not I . Yes , I will victuall the Campe for her , but it shall be by some stratagem ; that knaue there her husband will be hanged I feare , I le keepe his necke out of the nooze if I can , he shall not know how .

Enter two Seruing-men . Orl. How now knaues , whither wander you ? 1. To seeke your Worship . Orl.

Stay , which of you has my purse , what money haue you about you ?

2. Some fifteene or sixteene pounds , sir . Orl.

Giue it me , I thinke I haue some gold about me ; yes , it 's well ; leaue my Lodging at Court , and get you home . Come sir , tho I neuer turned any man out of doores , yet I le be so bold as to pull your Coate ouer your eares .

1. What doe you meane to doe sir ? Orl.

Hold thy tongue knaue , take thou my Cloake , I hope I play not the paltry Merchant in this bartring ; bid the Steward of my house , sleepe with open eyes in my absence , and to looke to all things , whatsoeuer I command by Letters to be done by you , see it done . So , does it sit well ?

2. As if it were made for your Worship . Orl.

You proud Varlets , you need not bee ashamed to weare blue , when your Master is one of your fellowes ; away , doe not see me .

Both . This is excellent . Exeunt . Orl. I should put on a worse suite too ; perhaps I will .

My Vizard is on , now to this maske . Say I should shaue off this Honor of an old man , or tye it vp shorter ; Well , I will spoyle a good face for once . My beard being off , how should I looke ? euen like

A Winter Cuckoo , or vnfeatherd Owle ; Yet better lose this haire , then lose her soule . Exit . Enter Candido , Lodouico , and Carolo . Lodouico other Guests , and Bride with Prentises . Cand.

O Gentlemen , so late , y' are very welcome , pray sit downe .

Lod. Carolo , did'st ere see such a nest of Caps ? Asto. Me thinkes It 's a most ciuill and most comely sight . Lod. What does he 'i th middle looke like ? Asto.

Troth like a spire steeple in a Country Village ouerpeering so many thatcht houses .

Lod.

It 's rather a long pike staffe against so many bucklers without pikes ; they sit for all the world like a paire of Organs , and hee 's the tall great roaring pipe 'i th middest .

Asto. Ha , ha , ha , ha . Cand. What 's that you laugh at , Signiors ? Lod. Troth shall I tell you , and aloude I le tell it , We laugh to see ( yet laugh we not in scorne ) Amongst so many Caps that long Hat worne . Lodo.

Mine is as tall a felt as any is this day in Millan , and therefore I loue it , for the blocke was cleft out for my head , and fits me to a haire .

Cand. Indeed you are good obseruers , it shewes strange . But Gentlemen , I pray neither contemne , Nor yet deride a ciuill ornament ; I could build so much in the round Caps praise , That loue this hye roofe , I this flat would raise . Lod. Prethee sweet Bridegrome doo 't . Cand. So all these guests will pardon me , I le doo 't . Omnes . With all our hearts . Cand. Thus then in the Caps honor , To euery Sex and state , both Nature , Time , The Countries lawes , yea and the very Clime Doe allot distinct habits , the spruce Courtier Iets vp and downe in silke : the Warrier Marches in buffe , the Clowne plods on in gray : But for these vpper garments thus I say , The Sea-man has his Cap , par'd without brim , The Gallants head is featherd , that fits him ; The Soldier has his Murren , women ha Tires ; Beasts haue their head-peeces , and men ha theirs . Lod. Proceed . Cand. Each degree has his fashion , it 's fit then , One should be laid by for the Citizen , And that 's the Cap which you see swels not hye , For Caps are Emblems of humility ; It is a Citizens badge , and first was worne By 'th Romanes ; for when any Bondmans turne Came to be made a Freeman : thus 't was said , He to the Cap was call'd ; that is , was made Of Rome a Freeman , but was first close shorne , And so a Citizens haire is still short worne . Lod. That close shauing made Barbers a Company , And now euery Citizen vses it . Cand. Of Geometricke figures the most rare , And perfect'st are the Circle and the square , The Citty and the Schoole much build vpon These figures , for both loue proportion . The City Cap is round , the Schollers square . To shew that Gouernment and learning are The perfect'st limbes i' th body of a State : For without them , all 's disproportionate . If the Cap had no honor , this might reare it , The Reuerend Fathers of the Law doe weare it . It 's light for Summer , and in cold it sits Close to the scull , a warme house for the wits ; It shewes the whole face boldly , 't is not made As if a man to looke on 't were afraide , Nor like a Drapers shop with broad darke shed , For hee 's no Citizen that hides his head . Flat Caps as proper are to Citty Gownes , As to Armors Helmets , or to Kings their Crownes . Let then the City Cap by none be scornd , Since with it Princes heads haue beene adornd . If more the round Caps honor you would know , How would this long Gowne with this steeple show ? Omnes . Ha , ha , ha : most vile , most vgly . Cand. Pray Signior pardon me , 't was done in iest . Bride . A cup of claret wine there . 1. Wine : yes forsooth , wine for the Bride . Car. You ha well set out the Cap , sir . Lod. Nay , that 's flat . Long. A health . Lod. Since his Cap 's round , that The Bride hits the Prentice on the lips . Shall goe round . Be bare , For in the Caps praise all of you haue share . Lod. The Bride 's at cuffes . Cand.

Oh , peace I pray thee , thus far off I stand , I spied the error of my seruants , she call'd for Claret , and you fill'd out Sacke ; that cup giue me , 't is for an old mans backe , and not for hers . Indeed 't was but mistaken , aske all these else .

Omnes . No faith , 't was but mistaken . 1. Nay , she tooke it right enough . Cand. Good Luke reach her that glasse of Claret . Here , Mistris Bride , pledge me there . Bride . Now I le none . Exit Bride . Cand. How now ? Lod. Looke what your Mistris ayles . 1.

Nothing , sir , but about filling a wrong glasse , a scuruy tricke .

Cand.

I pray you hold your tongue , my seruant there tells me she is not well .

Omnes . Step to her , step to her . Lod.

A word with you : doe ye heare ? This wench ( your new wife ) will take you downe in your wedding shooes , vnlesse you hang her vp in her wedding garters .

Cand. How , hang her in her garters ? Lod.

Will you be a rame Pidgeon still ? shall your backe be like a Tortoys shell , to let Carts goe ouer it , yet not to breake ? This Shee-cat will haue more liues then your last Pusse had , and will scratch worse , and mouze you worse : looke too t .

Cand. What would you haue me doe , sir ? Lod.

What would I haue you doe ? Sweare , swagger , brawle , fling ; for fighting it 's no matter , we ha had knocking Pusses enow already ; you know , that a woman was made of the rib of a man , and that rib was crooked . The Morall of which is , that a man must from his beginning be crooked to his wife ; be you like an Orange to her , let her cut you neuer so faire , be you sowre as vineger ; will you be ruled by me ?

Cand. In any thing that 's ciuill , honest , and iust . Lod. Haue you euer a Prentices suite will fit me ? Cand. I haue the very same which my selfe wore . Lod.

I le send my man for 't within this halfe houre , and within this two houres I le be your Prentice : the Hen shall not ouercrow the Cocke , I le sharpen your spurres .

Cand. It will be but some iest , sir . Lod. Onely a iest : farewell , come Carolo : Exeunt . Omnes . Wee 'll take our leaues , Sir , too . Cand.

Pray conceite not ill of my wiues sodaine rising . This young Knight , Sir Lodouico , is deepe seene in Phisicke , and he tells me , the disease call'd the Mother , hangs on my wife , it is a vehement heauing and beating of the Stomacke , and that swelling did with the paine thereof crampe vp her arme , that hit his lips , and brake the glasse : no harme , it was no harme .

Omnes . No , Signior , none at all . Cand. The straightest arrow may flye wide by chance . But come , we 'll cloze this brawle vp in some dance . Exeunt . Enter Bellafront and Matheo . Bell.

Oh my sweet Husband , wert thou in thy graue , and art aliue agen ? O welcome , welcome .

Mat.

Doest know me ? my cloake prethee lay 't vp . Yes faith , my winding sheete was taken out of Lauender , to be stucke with Rosemary , I lackt but the knot here , or here ; yet if I had had it , I should ha made a wry mouth at the world like a Playse : but sweetest villaine , I am here now , and I will talke with thee soone .

Bel. And glad am I th' art here . Mat.

Did these heeles caper in shackles ? A my little plumpe rogue , I le beare vp for all this , and flye hye . Catzo Catzo .

Bel. Matheo ? Mat.

What sayest , what sayest ? Oh braue fresh ayre , a pox on these Grates and gingling of Keyes , and rattling of Iron , I le beare vp , I le flye hye wench , hang Tosse .

Bel. Matheo , prethee make thy prison thy glasse , And in it view the wrinkles , and the scarres , By which thou wert disfigured , viewing them , mend them . Mat.

I le goe visit all the mad rogues now , and the good roaring boyes .

Bel. Thou doest not heare me ? Mat. Yes faith doe I . Bel.

Thou hast beene in the hands of misery , and tane strong Physicke , prethee now be sound .

Mat.

Yes . S'foot , I wonder how the inside of a Tauerne lookes now . Oh when shall I bizle , bizle ?

Bel.

Nay see , th' art thirsty still for poyson , come , I will not haue thee swagger .

Mat. Honest Apes face . Bel. 'T is that sharpned an axe to cut thy throate . Good Loue , I would not haue thee sell thy substance And time ( worth all ) in those damned shops of Hell ; Those Dycing houses , that stand neuer well , But when they stand most ill , that foure-squared sinne Has almost lodg'd vs in the beggers Inne . Besides ( to speake which euen my soule does grieue ) A sort of Rauens haue hung vpon thy sleeue , And fed vpon thee : good Mat . ( if you please ) so base as Scorne to spread wing amongst these ; By them thy fame is speckled , yet it showes Cleare amongst them ; so Crowes are faire with Crowes . Custome in sinne , giues sinne a louely dye . Blacknesse in Mores is no deformity . Mat.

Bellafront , Bellafront , I protest to thee , I sweare , as I hope my soule , I will turne ouer a new leafe , the prison I confesse has bit me , the best man that sayles in such a Ship , may be lowsy .

Bel. One knockes at doore . Mat.

I le be the Porter : they shall see , a Iayle cannot hold a braue spirit , I le flye hye .

Exit . Bel. How wilde is his behauiour ! oh , I feare He 's spoyld by prison , he 's halfe damned comes there , But I must sit all stormes : when a full sayle his Fortunes spred , he loued me : being now poore , I le beg for him , and no wife can doe more . Enter Matheo , and Orlando like a Seruingman . Mat. Come in pray , would you speake with me , sir ? Orl. Is your name Signior Matheo ? Mat. My name is Signior Matheo . Orl. Is this Gentlewoman your wife , sir ? Mat. This Gentlewoman is my wife , sir . Orl.

The Destinies spin a strong and euen thread of both your loues : the Mothers owne face , I ha not forgot that , I 'm an old man , sir , & am troubled with a whoreson salt rhewme , that I cannot hold my water . Gentlewoman , the last man I serued was your Father .

Bel. My Father ? any tongue that sounds his name , Speakes Musicke to me : welcome good old man . How does my father ? liues he ? has he health ? How does my father ? I so much doe shame him , So much doe wound him , that I scarce dare name him . Orl. I can speake no more . Mat. How now old Lad , what doest cry ? Orl

The rhewme still , sir , nothing else ; I should be well seasond , for mine eyes lye in brine : looke you , sir , I haue a suite to you .

Math. What is 't my little white pate ? Orl. Troth , sir , I haue a mind to serue your Worship . Mat.

To serue me ? Troth , my friend , my fortunes are , as a man may say —

Orl.

Nay looke you , sir , I know when all sinnes are old in vs , and goe vpon Crutches , that Couetousnesse does but then lie in her Cradle ; 'T is not so with me . Letchery loues to dwell in the fairest lodging , and Couetousnesse in the oldest buildings , that are ready to fall : but my white head , sir , is no Inne for such a gossip . If a Seruingman at my yeeres be not stored with bisket enough , that has sayled about the world to serue him the voyage out of his life , and to bring him East-home ; Ill pitty but all his daies should be fasting daies : I care not so much for wages , for I haue scraped a handfull of gold together ; I haue a little money , sir , which I would put into your Worships hands , not so much to make it more .

Mat.

No , no , you say well , thou sayest well ; but I must tell you : How much is the money , sayest thou ?

Orl. About twenty pound , Sir . Mat.

Twenty pound ? Let me see : that shall bring thee in , after ten per centum , per annum .

Orl.

No , no , no , sir , no ; I cannot abide to haue money ingender : fye vpon this siluer Lechery , fye ; if I may haue meat to my mouth , and rags to my backe , and a flock-bed to snort vpon , when I die , the longer liuer take all .

Mat.

A good old Boy , yfaith , if thou seruest me , thou shalt eat as I eat , drinke as I drinke , lye as I lye , and ride as I ride .

Orl. That 's if you haue money to hire horses . Mat. and Front .

What doest thou thinke on 't ? This good old Lad here shall serue me .

Bel. Alas , Matheo , wilt thou load a backe That is already broke ? Mat.

Peace , pox on you , peace , there 's a tricke in 't , I flye hye , it shall be so , Front . as I tell you : giue me thy hand , thou shalt serue me yfaith : welcome : as for your money —

Orl. Nay , looke you sir , I haue it here . Mat.

Pesh , keepe it thy selfe , man , and then th' art sure 't is safe .

Orl.

Safe ! and 't were ten thousand Duckets , your Worship should be my cash-keeper ; I haue heard what your Worship is , an excellent dunghill Cocke , to scatter all abroad : but I le venture twenty pounds on 's head .

Mat.

And did'st thou serue my Worshipfull Father-in-law , Signior Orlando Friscabaldo , that mad man once ?

Orl. I serued him so long , till he turned me out of doores . Mat. It 's a notable Chuffe , I ha not seene him many a day . Orl.

No matter and you ne'r see him : it 's an arrant Grandy , a Churle , and as damnd a cut-throat .

Bel. Thou villaine , curb thy tongue , thou art a Iudas , To sell thy Masters name to slander thus . Mat. Away Asse , he speakes but truth , thy father is a — Bel. Gentleman . Mat.

And an old knaue , there 's more deceit in him then in sixteene Poticaries : it 's a Deuill , thou maist beg , starue , hang , damne ; does he send thee so much as a cheese ?

Orl. Or so much as a Gammon of Bacon , Hee 'll giue it his Dogs first . Mat. A Iayle , a Iayle . Orl. A Iew , a Iew , sir . Mat. A Dog . Orl. An English Mastiffe , sir . Mat. Pox rot out his old stinking garbage . Bel. Art not ashamed to strike an absent man thus ? Art not ashamed to let this vild Dog barke , And bite my Father thus ? I le not indure it ; Out of my doores , base slaue . Mat.

Your dores ! a vengeance ? I shall liue to cut that old rogues throat , for all you take his part thus .

Orl. He shall liue to see thee hangd first . Enter Hipollito . Mat.

Gods so my Lord , your Lordship is most welcome , I 'm proud of this , my Lord .

Hip. Was bold to see you . Is that your wife ? Mat. Yes sir . Hip. I le borrow her lip . Mat. With all my heart , my Lord . Orl. Who 's this , I pray sir ? Mat. My Lord Hipollito : what 's thy name ? Orl. Pacheco . Mat.

Pacheco , fine name ; Thou seest , Pacheco , I keepe company with no Scondrels , nor base fellowes .

Hip. Came not my Footman to you ? Bel. Yes my Lord . Hip. I sent by him a Diamond and a Letter , Did you receiue them ? Bel. Yes my Lord , I did . Hip. Read you the letter ? Bel. O're and o're 't is read . Hip. And faith your answer ? Bel. Now the time 's not fit , You see , my Husbands here . Hip. I le now then leaue you , And choose mine houre ; but ere I part away , Harke , you remember I must haue no nay . Matheo , I will leaue you . Mat. A glasse of wine . Hip. Not now , I le visit you at other times . Y' are come off well then ? Mat.

Excellent well , I thanke your Lordship : I owe you my life , my Lord ; and will pay my best blood in any seruice of yours .

Hip.

I le take no such deare payment , harke you Matheo , I know , the prison is a gulfe , if money runne low with you , my purse is yours : call for it .

Mat.

Faith my Lord , I thanke my starres , they send me downe some ; I cannot sinke , so long as these bladders hold .

Hip. I will not see your fortunes ebbe , pray try . To starue in full barnes were fond modesty . Mat. Open the doore , sirra . Hip.

Drinke this , and anon I pray thee giue thy Mistris this .

Exit . Orl. O Noble Spirit , if no worse guests here dwell , My blue coate sits on my old shoulders well . Mat. The onely royall fellow , he 's bounteous as the Indies , what 's that he said to thee , Bellafront ? Bel. Nothing . Mat. I prethee good Girle ? Bel. Why I tell you nothing . Mat.

Nothing ? it 's well : trickes , that I must be beholden to a scald hot-liuerd gotish Gallant , to stand with my cap in my hand , and vaile bonnet , when I ha spred as lofty sayles as himselfe , wud I had beene hanged . Nothing ! Pacheco , brush my cloake .

Orl. Where is 't , sir ? Mat. Come , wee 'll flye hye . Nothing ? there is a whore still in thine eye . Exit . Orl. My twenty pounds flyes high , O wretched woman , This varlot 's able to make Lucrece common .

How now Mistris ? has my Master dyed you into this sad colour ?

Bel.

Fellow , be gone I pray thee ; if thy tongue itch after talke so much , seeke out thy Master , th' art a fit instrument for him .

Orl. Zownes , I hope he will not play vpon me ? Bel. Play on thee ? no , you two will flye together , Because you are rouing arrowes of one feather . Would thou wouldst leaue my house , thou ne'r shalt Please , me weaue thy nets ne'r so hye , Thou shalt be but a spider in mine eye . Th' art ranke with poyson , poyson temperd well , Is food for health ; but thy blacke tongue doth swell With venome , to hurt him that gaue thee bread , To wrong men absent , is to spurne the dead . And so did'st thou thy Master , and my Father . Orl.

You haue small reason to take his part ; for I haue heard him say fiue hundred times , you were as arrant a whore as euer stiffned tiffany neckcloathes in water-starch vpon a Saturday 'i th afternoone .

Bel. Let him say worse , when for the earths offence Hot vengeance through the marble cloudes is driuen , Is 't fit earth shoot agen those darts at heauen ? Orl.

And so if your Father call you whore , you 'll not call him old knaue : Friscabaldo , she carries thy mind vp and downe ; she 's thine owne flesh , blood , and bone ; troth Mistris , to tell you true , the fireworkes that ran from me vpon lines against my good old Master , your father , were but to try how my young Master , your Husband loued such squibs : but it 's well knowne , I loue your father as my selfe ; I le ride for him at mid-night , runne for you by Owle-light ; I le dye for him , drudge for you ; I le flye low , and I le flye hye ( as my Master saies ) to doe you good , if you 'll forgiue me .

Bel. I am not made of marble : I forgiue thee . Orl.

Nay , if you were made of marble , a good Stone-cutter might cut you : I hope the twenty pound I deliuered to my Master , is in a sure hand .

Bel. In a sure hand I warrant thee for spending . Orl.

I see my yong Master is a madcap , and a bonus socius , I loue him well , Mistris : yet as well as I loue him , I le not play the knaue with you ; looke you , I could cheat you of this purse full of money ; but I am an old Lad , and I scorne to cunny-catch : yet I ha beene Dog at a Cony in my time .

Bel. A purse , where hadst it ? Orl.

The Gentleman that went away , whisperd in mine care , and charged me to giue it you .

Bel. The Lord Hipollito ? Orla. Yes , if he be a Lord , he gaue it me . Bel. 'T is all gold . Orl.

'T is like so : it may be , he thinkes you want money , and therefore bestowes his almes brauely , like a Lord .

Bel. He thinkes a siluer net can catch the poore , Here 's baite to choake a Nun , and turne her whore . Wilt thou be honest to me ? Orl.

As your nailes to your fingers , which I thinke neuer deceiued you .

Bel. Thou to this Lord shalt goe , commend me to him , And tell him this , the Towne has held out long , Because ( within ) 't was rather true , then strong . To sell it now were base ; Say 't is no hold Built of weake stuffe , to be blowne vp with gold . He shall beleeue thee by this token , or this ; if not , by this . Orla. Is this all ? Bel. This is all . Orl. Mine owne Girle still . Bel. A Starre may shoote , not fall . Exit Bellafront . Orl.

A Starre ? nay , thou art more then the moone , for thou hast neither changing quarters , nor a man standing in thy circle with a bush of thornes . Is 't possible the Lord Hipollito , whose face is as ciuill as the outside of a Dedicatory Booke , should be a Muttonmunger ? A poore man has but one Ewe , and this Grandy Sheepe-biter leaues whole Flockes of fat Weathers ( whom he may knocke downe ) to deuoure this . I le trust neither Lord nor Butcher with quicke flesh for this tricke ; the Cuckoo I see now sings all the yeere , though euery man cannot heare him , but I le spoyle his notes ; can neither Loue-letters , nor the Deuils common Pick-lockes ( Gold ) nor Precious Stones make my Girle draw vp her Percullis : hold out still , wench .

All are not Bawds ( I see now ) that keepe doores , Nor all good wenches that are markt for Whores . Exit . Enter Candido , Lodouico like a Prentice . Lod.

Come , come , come , what doe yee lacke , sir ? what doe ye lacke , sir ? what is 't ye lacke , sir ? is not my Worship well suited ? did you euer see a Gentleman better disguised ?

Cand. Neuer , beleeue me , Signior . Lod.

Yes : but when he has bin drunke , there be Prentices would make mad Gallants , for they would spend all , and drinke , and whore , and so forth ; and I see we Gallants could make mad Prentices . How does thy wife like me ? Nay , I must not be so sawcy , then I spoyle all : pray you how does my Mistris like me ?

Cand. Well : for she takes you for a very simple fellow . Lod.

And they that are taken for such , are commonly the arrantest knaues : but to our Comedy , come .

Cand. I shall not act it , chide you say , and fret , And grow impatient : I shall neuer doo 't . Lod.

S'blood , cannot you doe as all the world does ? counterfet .

Cand.

Were I a Painter , that should liue by drawing nothing but Pictures of an angry man , I should not earne my colours ; I cannot doo 't .

Lod.

Remember y' are a Linnen Draper , and that if you giue your wife a yard , she 'll take an ell : giue her not therefore a quarter of your yard , not a nayle .

Cand.

Say I should turne to Ice , and nip her loue now 't is but in the blood .

Lod. Well , say she 's nipt . Cand. It will so ouerchange her heart with griefe , That like a Cannon , when her sighes goe off , She in her duty either will recoyle , Or breake in pieces and so dye : her death , By my vnkindnesse might be counted murther . Lod.

Dye ? neuer , neuer ; I doe not bid you beat her , nor giue her blacke eyes , nor pinch her sides : but crosse her humours . Are not Bakers armes the skales of Iustice ? yet is not their bread light ? and may not you I pray bridle her with a sharpe bit , yet ride her gently ?

Cand.

Well , I will try your pills , doe you your faithfull seruice , and bee ready still at a pinch to helpe me in this part , or else I shall be out cleane .

Lod. Come , come , I le prompt you . Cand. I le call her forth now , shall I ? Lod. Doe , doe , brauely . Cand. Luke , I pray bid your Mistris to come hither . Lod. Luke , I pray bid your Mistris to come hither . Cand. Sirra , bid my wife come to me : why , when ? Luke . Presently , sir , she comes . — within — Lod. La you , there 's the eccho , she comes . Exit Bride . Bride . What is your pleasure with me ? Cand. Mary wife , I haue intent , and ( you see ) this stripling here , He beares good will and liking to my trade , And meanes to deale in Linnen . Lod.

Yes indeed , sir , I would deale in Linnen , if my Mistris like me so well as I like her ?

Cand.

I hope to finde him honest , pray good wife looke that his bed and chamber be made ready .

Bride .

Y' are best to let him hire mee for his maide ? I looke to his bed ? looke too 't your selfe .

Cand. Euen so I sweare to you a great oath . Lod. Sweare , cry Zoundes . Cand. I will not , goe to wife , I will not , Lod. That your great oath ? Cand. Swallow these gudgeons . Lod. Well said . Cand. Then fast , then you may choose . You know at Table What trickes you played , swaggerd , broke glasses ! Fie , Fie , fie , fie : and now before my Prentice here You make an asse of me ; thou , ( what shall I call thee ? ) Bride . Euen what you will . Lod. Call her arrant whore . Cand.

Oh fie , by no meanes , then she 'll call me Cuckold , sirrah , goe looke to 'th shop : how does this show ?

Lod.

Excellent well , I le goe looke to the shop , sir . Fine Cambricks , Lawnes , what doe you lacke .

Exit Lodouico . Cand. A curst Cowes milke I ha drunke once before , And 't was so ranke in taste , I le drinke no more . Wife , I le tame you . Bride . You may , sir , if you can , But at a wrastling I haue seene a fellow Limbd like an Oxe , throwne by a little man . Cand. And so you 'll throw me . Reach me ( Knaues ) a yard . Lod. A Yard for my Master . 1. Prent. My Master is growne valiant . Cand. I le teach you fencing trickes . Omnes . Rare , rare ; a prize . Lod. What will you doe , sir ? Can. Mary , my good Prentice , nothing but breathe my wife . Bride . Breathe me with your yard ? Lod. No , he 'll but measure you out , forsooth . Bride . Since you 'll needes fence , handle your weapon well , For if you take a yard , I le take an ell . Reach me an ell . Lod. An ell for my Mistris .

Keep the lawes of the Noble Science , sir , & measure weapons with her ; your yard is a plaine Heathenish weapon ; 't is too short , she may giue you a handfull , & yet you 'l not reach her .

Cand. Yet I ha the longer arme , come fall too 't roundly , And spare not me ( wife ) for I le lay 't on soundly . If o're husbands their wiues will needes be Masters , We men will haue a law to win 't at wasters Lod. 'T is for the breeches , is 't not ? Cand. For the breeches . Bride . Husband I am for you , I le not strike in iest . Cand. Nor I . Bride . But will you signe to one request ? Cand. What 's that ? Bride . Let me giue the first blow . Cand. The first blow , wife , shall I ? Prompt ? Lod. Let her ha' te . If she strike hard , in to her , and breake her pate . Cand. A bargaine . Strike . Bride . Then guard you from this blow , For I play all at legges , but 't is thus low . She kneeles . Behold , I am such a cunning Fencer growne , I keepe my ground , yet downe I will be throwne With the least blow you giue me , I disdaine The wife that is her husbands Soueraigne . She that vpon your pillow first did rest , They say , the breeches wore , which I detest . The taxe which she imposed vpon you , I abate you , If me you make your Master , I shall hate you . The world shall iudge who offers fairest play ; You win the breeches , but I win the day . Cand. Thou winst the day indeed , giue me thy hand , I le challenge thee no more : my patient brest Plaid thus the Rebell , onely for a iest : Here 's the rancke rider that breakes Colts , 't is he Can tame the mad folkes , and curst wiues . Bride . Who , your man ? Cand. My man ? my Master , tho his head be bare , But he 's so courteous , he 'll put off his haire . Lod.

Nay , if your seruice be so hot , a man cannot keepe his haire on , I le serue you no longer .

Bride . Is this your Schoolemaster ? Lod.

Yes faith , wench , I taught him to take thee downe : I hope thou canst take him downe without teaching ; you ha got the conquest , and you both are friends .

Cand. Beare witnes else . Lod. My Prentiship then ends . Cand. For the good seruice you to me haue done , I giue you all your yeeres . Lod. I thanke you Master . I le kisse my Mistris now , that she may say , My man was bound , and free all in one day . Exeunt . Enter Orlando , and Infaelice . Infae. From whom saiest thou ? Orla. From a poore Gentlewoman , Madam , whom I serue . Infae. And what s your businesse ? Orla.

This , Madam : my poore Mistris has a waste piece of ground , which is her owne by inheritance , and left to her by her mother ; There 's a Lord now that goes about , not to take it cleane from her , but to inclose it to himselfe , and to ioyne it to a piece of his Lordships .

Infae. What would she haue me doe in this ? Orla.

No more , Madam , but what one woman should doe for another in such a case . My Honourable Lord , your Husband would doe any thing in her behalfe , but shee had rather put her selfe into your hands , because you ( a woman ) may doe more with the Duke your Father .

Infae. Where lyes this Land ? Orl.

Within a stones cast of this place ; my Mistris , I think , would be content to let him enioy it after her decease , if that would serue his turne , so my Master would yeeld too : but she cannot abide to heare that the Lord should meddle with it in her life time .

Infae.

Is she then married ? why stirres not her Husband in it ?

Orl.

Her Husband stirres in it vnder hand : but because the other is a great rich man , my Master is loth to be seene in it too much .

Infae. Let her in writing draw the cause at large : And I will moue the Duke . Orl.

'T is set downe , Madam , here in blacke and white already : worke it so , Madam , that she may keepe her owne without disturbance , grieuance , molestation , or medling of any other ; and she bestowes this purse of gold on your Ladyship .

Infae. Old man , I le pleade for her , but take no fees : Giue Lawyers them , I swim not in that flood , I le touch no gold , till I haue done her good . Orl.

I would all Proctors Clearkes were of your minde , I should law more amongst them then I doe then ; here , Madam , is the suruey , not onely of the Mannor it selfe , but of the Grange house , with euery Medow pasture , Plough-land , Cony-borough , Fish-pond , hedge , ditch , and bush that stands in it .

Infae.

My Husbands name , and hand and seale at armes to a Loue-letter ? Where hadst thou this writing ?

Orla.

From the foresaid party , Madam , that would keepe the foresaid Land out of the foresaid Lords fingers .

Infae. My Lord turnd Ranger now ? Orl.

Y' are a good Huntresse , Lady , you ha found your Game already ; your Lord would faine be a Ranger , but my Mistris requests you to let him runne a course in your owne Parke , if you 'll not doo 't for loue , then doo 't for money ; she has no white money , but there 's gold , or else she praies you to ring him by this token , and so you shall be sure his nose will not be rooting other mens pastures .

Infae. This very purse was wouen with mine owne hands , This Diamond on that very night , when he Vntyed my Virgin girdle , gaue I him : And must a common Harlot share in mine ? Old man , to quit thy paines , take thou the gold . Orl. Not I , Madam , old Seruingmen want no money . Infae. Cupid himselfe was sure his Secretary , These lines are euen the Arrowes Loue let flies , The very Incke dropt out of Uenus eyes . Orla.

I doe not thinke , Madam , but hee fetcht off some Poet or other for those lines , for they are parlous Hawkes to flie at wenches .

Infae Here 's honied poyson , to me he ne'r thus writ , But Lust can set a double edge on wit . Orla.

Nay , that 's true , Madam , a wench will whet any thing , if it be not too dull .

Infae. Oathes , promises , preferments , Iewels , gold , What snares should breake , if all these cannot hold ? What creature is thy Mistris ? Orl.

One of those creatures that are contrary to man ; a woman .

Infae. What manner of woman ? Orl.

A little tiny woman , lower then your Ladiship by head and shoulders , but as mad a wench as euer vnlaced a petticote : these things should I indeed haue deliuered to my Lord your Husband .

Infae.

They are deliuered better : Why should she send backe these things ?

Orl. Ware , ware , there 's knauery . Infae. Strumpets like cheating gamesters will not win At first : these are but baites to draw him in . How might I learne his hunting houres ? Orl.

The Irish Footman can tell you all his hunting houres , the Parke he hunts in , the Doe he would strike , that Irish Shackatory beates the bush for him , and knowes all ; he brought that Letter , and that Ring ; he is the Carrier .

Infae.

Knowest thou what other gifts haue past betweene them ?

Orl. Little S. Patricke knowes all . Infae. Him I se examine presently . Orl. Not whilest I am here , sweet Madam . Infae. Be gon then , & what lyes in me command . Exit Orl. Enter Bryan . Infae.

Come hither sirra , how much cost those Satins , and cloth of Siluer , which my husband sent by you to a low Gentlewoman yonder ?

Bry.

Faat Sattins ? faat Siluers , faat low Gentlefolkes ? dow pratest dow knowest not what , yfaat la .

Infae. She there , to whom you carried letters . Bry.

By dis hand and bod dow saist true , if I did so , oh how ? I know not a letter a de Booke yfaat la .

Infae.

Did your Lord neuer send you with a Ring , sir , set with a Diamond ?

Bry.

Neuer , sa crees sa me , neuer ; he may runne at a towsand rings yfaat , and I neuer hold his stirrop , till he leape into de saddle . By S. Patricke , Madam , I neuer touch my Lords Diamond , nor euer had to doe , yfaat la , with any of his precious stones .

Enter Hipollito . Infae. Are you so close , you Bawd , you pandring slaue ? Hip. How now ? why Infaelice ? what 's your quarrell ? Infae. Out of my sight , base varlet , get thee gone . Hip. Away you rogue . Bry.

Slawne loot , fare de well , fare de well . Ah marragh frofat boddah breen .

Exit . Hip. What , growne a fighter ? prethee what 's the matter ? Infae.

If you 'll needs know , it was about the clocke : how workes the day , my Lord , ( pray ) by your watch ?

Hip.

Lest you cuffe me , I le tell you presently : I am neere two .

Infae. How , two ? I am scarce at one . Hip. One of vs then goes false . Infae. Then sure 't is you , Mine goes by heauens Diall , ( the Sunne ) and it goes true . Hip. I thinke ( indeed ) mine runnes somewhat too fast . Infae. Set it to mine ( at one ) then . Hip. One ? 't is past : 'T is past one by the Sunne . Infae. Faith then belike , Neither your clocke nor mine does truely strike , And since it is vncertaine which goes true , Better be false at one , then false at two . Hip. Y' are very pleasant , Madam . Infae. Yet not merry . Hip. Why Infaelice , what should make you sad ? Infae. Nothing my Lord , but my false watch , pray tell me , You see , my clocke , or yours is out of frame , Must we vpon the Workeman lay the blame , Or on your selues that keepe them ? Hip. Faith on both . He may by knauery spoile them , we by sloth , But why talke you all riddle thus ? I read Strange Comments in those margines of your lookes : Your cheekes of late are ( like bad printed Bookes ) So dimly charactred , I scarce can spell , One line of loue in them . Sure all 's not well . Infae. All is not well indeed , my dearest Lord , Locke vp thy gates of hearing , that no sound Of what I speake may enter . Hip. What meanes this ? Infae. Or if my owne tongue must my selfe betray , Count it a dreame , or turne thine eyes away , And thinke me not thy wife . She kneeles . Hip. Why doe you kneele ? Infae.

Earth is sinnes cushion : when the sicke soule feeles her selfe growing poore , then she turnes begger , cryes and kneeles for helpe ; Hipollito ( for husband I dare not call thee ) I haue stolne that Iewell of my chaste honour ( which was onely thine ) and giuen it to a slaue .

Hip. Hah ? Infae. On thy pillow adultery & lust haue slept , thy Groome Hath climbed the vnlawfull tree , and pluckt the sweets , A villaine hath vsurped a husbands sheetes . Hip. S'death , who , ( a Cuckold ) who ? Infae. This Irish Footman . Hip.

Worse then damnation , a wild Kerne , a Frogge , a Dog : whom I le scarce spurne . Longed you for Shamrocke ? were it my fathers father ( heart ) I le kill him , although I take him on his death-bed gasping 'twixt heauen and hell ; a shag-haired Cur ? Bold Strumpet , why hangest thou on me ? thinkst I le be a Bawde to a Whore , because she 's Noble ?

Infae. I beg but this , Set not my shame out to the worlds broad eye , Yet let thy vengeance ( like my fault ) soare hye , So it be in darkned clowdes . Hip. Darkned ! my hornes Cannot be darkned , nor shall my reuenge . A Harlot to my slaue ? the act is base , Common , but foule , so shall thy disgrace : Could not I feed your appetite ? oh women You were created Angels , pure and faire ; But since the first fell , tempting Deuils you are , You should be mens blisse , but you proue their rods . Were there no women , men might liue like gods : You ha beene too much downe already , rise , Get from my sight , and henceforth shun my bed , I le with no Strumpets breath be poysoned . As for your Irish Lubrican , that spirit Whom by prepostrous charmes thy lust hath raised In a wrong Circle , him I le damne more blacke Then any Tyrants soule . Infae. Hipollito ? Hip.

Tell me , didst thou baite Hawkes to draw him to thee , or did he bewitch thee ?

Infae. The slaue did woo me . Hip.

Two wooes in that Skreech-owles language ? Oh who would trust your corcke-heeld sex ? I thinke to sate your lust , you would loue a Horse , a Beare , a croaking Toade , so your hot itching veines might haue their bound , then the wild Irish Dart was throwne . Come , how ? the manner of this fight .

Infae. 'T was thus , he gaue me this battery first . Oh I Mistake , beleeue me , all this in beaten gold : Yet I held out , but at length this was charm'd . What ? change your Diamond wench , the act is base , Common , but foule , so shall not your disgrace : Could not I feed your appetite ? Oh Men , You were created Angels , pure and faire , But since the first fell , worse then Deuils you are . You should our shields be , but you proue our rods . Were there no Men , Women might liue like gods . Guilty my Lord ? Hip. Yes , guilty my good Lady . Infae. Nay , you may laugh , but henceforth shun my bed , With no whores leauings I le be poysoned . Exit . Hip. O're-reach'd so finely ? 'T is the very Diamond And Letter which I sent : this villany Some Spider closely weaues , whose poysond bulke I must let forth . Who 's there without ? Seruant . My Lord calls . — within . — Hip. Send me the Footman . Ser. Call the Footman to my Lord . Bryan , Bryan . Enter Bryan . Hip. It can be no man else , that Irish Iudas , Bred in a Country where no venom prospers , But in the Nations blood hath thus betraid me . Slaue , get you from your seruice . Bry. Faat meanest thou by this now ? Hip. Question me not , nor tempt my fury , villaine , Couldst thou turne all the Mountaines in the land , To hills of gold , and to giue me ; here thou stayest not . Bry. I faat , I care not . Hip. Prate not , but get thee gone , I shall send else . Bry.

I , doe predy , I had rather haue thee make a scabbard of my guts , and let out all de Irish puddings in my poore belly , den to be a false knaue to de I faat , I will neuer see dyne own sweet face more . A mawhid deer a gra , fare de well , fare de well , I wil goe steale Cowes agen in Ireland .

Exit . Hip.

He 's damn'd that rais'd this whirlewind , which hath blowne

Into her eyes this iealousie : yet I le on , I le on , stood armed Deuils staring in my face , To be pursued in flight , quickens the race , Shall my blood streames by a wiues lust be bard ? Fond woman , no : Iron growes by strokes more hard , Lawlesse desires are seas scorning all bounds , Or sulphure which being ram'd vp , more confounds , Strugling with mad men , madnes nothing tames , Winds wrastling with great fires , incense the flames . Exit . Enter Matheo , Bellafront , and Orlando . Bel. How now , what ayles your Master ? Orl.

Has taken a yonger brothers purge , forsooth , and that workes with him .

Bel. Where is his Cloake and Rapier ? Orl.

He has giuen vp his Cloake , and his Rapier is bound to the Peace : If you looke a little higher , you may see that another hath entred into hatband for him too . Sixe and foure haue put him into this sweat .

Bel. Where 's all his money ? Orl.

'T is put ouer by exchange : his doublet was going to be translated , but for me : if any man would ha lent but halfe a ducket on his beard , the haire of it had stuft a paire of breeches by this time ; I had but one poore penny , and that I was glad to niggle out , and buy a holly-wand to grace him thorow the streete . As hap was , his bootes were on , and then I dustied , to make people thinke he had beene riding , and I had runne by him .

Bell. Oh me , how does my sweet Matheo ? Mat.

Oh Rogue , of what deuilish stuffe are these Dice made off ? of the parings of the Deuils cornes of his toes , that they runne thus damnably .

Bel. I prethee vex not . Mat.

If any handy-crafts man was euer suffred to keep shop in hell , it will be a Dice-maker ; he 's able to vndoe more soules then the Deuill ; I plaid with mine owne Dice , yet lost . Ha you any money ?

Bel. Las I ha none . Mat.

Must haue money , must haue some , must haue a Cloake , and Rapier , and things : will you goe set your lime-twigs , and get me some birds , some money ?

Bel. What limetwigs should I set ? Mat.

You will not then ? Must haue cash and pictures : doe ye heare , ( frailty ) shall I walke in a Plimouth Cloake , ( that 's to say ) like a rogue , in my hose and doublet , and a crabtree cudgell in my hand , and you swimme in your Sattins ? must haue money , come .

Orl. Is 't bed-time , Master , that you vndo my Mistris ? Bel. Vndoe me ? Yes , yes , at these riflings I haue beene too often . Mat. Helpe to flea , Pacheco . Orl. Fleaing call you it ? Mat. I le pawne you by 'th Lord , to your very eye-browes . Bel. With all my heart , since heauen will haue me poore , As good he drown'd at sea , as drown'd at shore . Orl. Why heare you , sir ? yfaith doe not make away her Gowne . Mat.

Oh it 's Summer , it 's Summer ; your onely fashion for a woman now , is to be light , to be light .

Orl.

Why , pray sir , employ some of that money you haue of mine .

Mat.

Thine ? I le starue first , I le beg first ; when I touch a penny of that , let these fingers ends rot .

Orl.

So they may , for that 's past touching . I saw my twenty pounds flye hie .

Mat.

Knowest thou neuer a damn'd Broker about the Citty ?

Orl. Damn'd Broker ? yes , fiue hundred . Mat.

The Gowne stood me in aboue twenty Duckets , borrow ten of it , cannot liue without siluer .

Orl. I le make what I can of it , sir , I le be your Broker , But not your damb'd broker : Oh thou scuruy knaue , What makes a wife turne whore , but such a slaue ? Exit . Mat. How now little chicke , what aylest , weeping

For a handfull of Taylors shreds ? pox on them , are there not silkes enow at Mercers ?

Bel I care not for gay feathers , I . Mat. What doest care for then ? why doest grieue ? Bel. Why doe I grieue ? A thousand sorrowes strike At one poore heart , and yet it liues . Matheo , Thou art a Gamester , prethee throw at all , Set all vpon one cast , we kneele and pray , And struggle for life , yet must be cast away . Meet misery quickly then , split all , sell all , And when thou hast sold all , spend it , but I beseech thee Build not thy mind on me to coyne thee more , To get it wouldst thou haue me play the whore ? Mat. 'T was your profession before I married you . Bel. Vmh ? it was indeed : if all men should be branded For sinnes long since laid vp , who could be saued ? The Quarter day 's at hand , how will you doe To pay the Rent , Matheo ? Mat.

Why ? doe as all of our occupation doe against Quarter daies ; breake vp house , remoue , shift your lodgings , pox a your Quarters .

Enter Lodouico . Lod. Where 's this Gallant ? Mat.

Signior Lodouico ? how does my little Mirror of Knight-hood ? this is kindly done yfaith : welcome by my troth .

Lod.

And how doest , frolicke ? Saue you faire Lady . Thou lookest smug and brauely , Noble Mat .

Mat. Drinke and feed , laugh and lie warme . Lod. Is this thy wife ? Mat.

A poore Gentlewoman , sir , whom I make vse of a nights .

Lod. Pay custome to your lips , sweet Lady . Mat.

Borrow some shells of him , some wine , sweet heart .

Lod. I le send for 't then yfaith . Mat. You send for 't ? Some wine I prethee . Bel. I ha no money . Mat. S'blood , nor I : What wine loue you , Signior ? Lod.

Here , or I le not stay , I protest ; trouble the Gentlewoman too much ?

Exit Bellafront . And what newes flies abroad , Matheo ? Mat.

Troth , none . Oh Signior , we ha beene merry in our daies .

Lod. And no doubt shall agen . The Diuine powers neuer shoot Darts at men Mortall , to kill them . Mat. You say true . Lod. Why should we grieue at want ? Say the world made thee her Minnion , that Thy head lay in her lap , and that she danc't thee On her wanton knee , she could but giue thee a whole World : that 's all , and that all 's nothing ; the worlds Greatest part cannot fill vp one corner of thy heart . Say , the three corners were all filld , alas ! Of what art thou possest , a thinne blowne glasse : Such as by Boyes is puft into the aire . Were twenty Kingdomes thine , thou 'dst liue in care : Thou could'st not sleepe the better , nor liue longer , Nor merrier be , nor healthfuller , nor stronger . If then thou want'st , thus make that want thy pleasure , No man wants all things , nor has all in measure . Mat.

I am the most wretched fellow : sure some left-handed Priest christned me , I am so vnlucky : I am neuer out of one puddle or another , still falling .

Enter Bellafront , and Orlando . Mat. Fill out wine to my little finger . With my heart yfaith . Lod. Thankes , good Matheo . To your owne sweet selfe . Orl.

All the Brokers hearts , sir , are made of flint , I can with all my knocking , strike but sixe sparkes of fire out of them , here 's sixe duckets , if you le take them .

Mat.

Giue me them : an euill conscience gnaw them all , moths and plagues hang vpon their lowsie wardrobs .

Lod. Is this your man , Matheo ? An old Seruingman . Orl. You may giue me t'other halfe too , sir : That 's the Begger . Lod. What hast there , gold ? Mat.

A sort of Rascalls are in my debt , ( God knowes what ) and they feed me with bits , with crummes , a pox choke them .

Lod. A word , Matheo : be not angry with me , Beleeue it that I know the touch of time , And can part copper ( tho it be gilded o're ) From the true gold : the sailes which thou doest spread , Would show well , if they were not borrowed . The sound of thy low fortunes drew me hither , I giue my selfe vnto thee , prethee vse me , I will bestow on you a suite of Sattin , And all things else to fit a Gentleman , Because I loue you . Mat. Thankes , good Noble Knight . Lod. Call on me when you please , Till then farewell . Exit . Mat. Hast angled ? hast cut vp this fresh Salmon ? Bel. Wudst haue me be so base ? Mat. It 's base to steale , it 's base to be a whore : thou 't be more base , I le make thee keepe a doore . Exit . Orl.

I hope he will not sneake away with all the money , will he ?

Bel. Thou seest he does . Orl.

Nay then it 's well . I set my braines vpon an vpright Last ; tho my wits be old , yet they are like a witherd pippin , wholsome . Looke you , Mistris , I told him I had but sixe duckets of the ( Knaue ) Broker , but I had eight , and kept these two for you .

Bel. Thou shouldst haue giuen him all . Orl. What , to flie hie ? Bel. Like waues , my misery driues on misery . Exit . Orl.

Sell his wiues cloathes from her backe ? does any Poulterers wife pull chickins aliue ? He Riots all abroad , wants all at home ; he Dices , whores , swaggers , sweares , cheates , borrowes , pawnes : I le giue him hooke and line , a little more for all this .

Yet sure i' th end he 'll delude all my hopes , And shew me a French tricke danc'd on the ropes . Exit . Enter at one doore Lodouico and Carolo ; at another Bots , and Mistris Horsleach ; Candido and his wife appeare in the Shop . Lod. Hist , hist , Lieutenant Bots , how do'st , man ? Car. Whither are you ambling , Madam Horsleach ? Hors. About worldly profit , sir : how doe your Worships ? Bots.

We want tooles , Gentlemen , to furnish the trade : they weare out day and night , they weare out till no mettle bee left in their backe ; wee heare of two or three new Wenches are come vp with a Carrier , and your old Goshawke here is flying at them .

Lod. And faith , what flesh haue you at home ? Hors.

Ordinary Dishes , by my troth , sweet men , there 's few good i' th Cittie ; I am as well furnisht as any , and tho I say it , as well custom'd .

Bots.

We haue meates of all sorts of dressing ; we haue stew'd meat for your Frenchmen , pretty light picking meat for your Italian , and that which is rotten roasted , for Don Spaniardo .

Lod. A pox on 't . Bots.

We haue Poulterers ware for your sweet bloods , as Doue , Chickin , Ducke , Teale , Woodcocke , and so forth : and Butchers meat for the Cittizen : yet Muttons fall very bad this yeere .

Lod.

Stay , is not that my patient Linnen Draper yonder , and my fine yong smug Mistris , his wife ?

Car.

Sirra Grannam , I le giue thee for thy fee twenty crownes , if thou canst but procure me the wearing of yon veluet cap.

Hos.

You 'd weare another thing besides the cap. Y' are a Wag .

Boss.

Twenty crownes ? we 'll share , and I le be your pully to draw her on .

Lod. Doo 't presently ; we 'll ha some sport . Hors.

Wheele you about , sweet men : doe you see , I le cheapen wares of the man , whilest Bots is doing with his wife .

Lod.

Too 't : if we come into the shop to doe you grace , wee 'll call you Madam .

Bots.

Pox a your old face , giue it the badge of all scuruy faces , a Masque .

Cand.

What is 't you lacke , Gentlewoman ? Cambricke or Lawnes , or fine Hollands ? Pray draw neere , I can sell you a penny-worth .

Bots. Some Cambricke for my old Lady . Cand. Cambricke ? you shall , the purest thred in Millan . Lod. and Car. Saue you , Signior Candido . Lod. How does my Noble Master ? how my faire Mistris ? Cand.

My Worshipfull good Seruant , view it well , for 't is both fine and euen .

Car.

Cry you mercy , Madam , tho mask'd , I thought it should be you by your man . Pray' Signior , shew her the best , for she commonly deales for good ware .

Cand. Then this shall fit her , this is for your Ladiship . Bots.

A word , I pray , there is a waiting Gentlewomon of my Ladies : her name is Ruyna , saies she 's your Kinswoman , and that you should be one of her Aunts .

Wife . One of her Aunts ? troth sir , I know her not . Bots.

If it please you to bestow the poore labour of your legs at any time , I will be your conuoy thither ?

Wife .

I am a Snaile , sir , seldome leaue my house , if 't please her to visit me , she shall be welcome .

Bots.

Doe you heare ? the naked troth is : my Lady hath a yong Knight , her sonne , who loues you , y' are made , if you lay hold vpon t : this Iewell he sends you .

Wife .

Sir , I returne his loue and Iewell with scorne ; let goe my hand , or I shall call my husband . You are an arrant Knaue .

Exit . Lod. What , will she doe ? Bots.

Doe ? they shall all doe if Bots sets vpon them once , she was as if she had profest the trade , squeamish at first , at last I shewed her this Iewell , said , a Knight sent it her .

Lod. Is 't gold , and right stones ? Bots. Copper , Copper , I goe a fishing with these baites . Lod.

She nibbled , but wud not swallow the hooke , because the Cunger-head her husband was by : but shee bids the Gentleman name any afternoone , and she 'll meet him at her Garden house , which I know .

Lod. Is this no lie now ? Bots. Dam me if — Lod. Oh prethee stay there . Bots. The twenty crownes , sir . Lod.

Before he has his worke done ? but on my Knightly word , he shall pay 't thee .

Enter Astolpho , Beraldo , Fontinell , and the Irish Footman . Asto.

I thought thou hadst beene gone into thine owne Country .

Bry. No faat la , I cannot goe dis foure or tree dayes . Ber.

Looke thee , yonder s the shop , and that 's the man himselfe .

Fon.

Thou shalt but cheapen , and doe as we told thee , to put a iest vpon him , to abuse his patience .

Bry.

I faat , I doubt my pate shall be knocked : but sa crees sa me , for your shakes , I will runne to any Linnen Draper in hell , come preddy .

Omnes . Saue you Gallants . Lod. and Car. Oh , well met ! Cand. You 'll giue no more you say ? I cannot take it . Hors. Truly I le giue no more . Cand.

It must not fetch it . What wud you haue , sweet Gentlemen ?

Asto. Nay , here 's the Customer . Exeunt Bots & Horsl . Lod.

The Garden-house you say ? wee 'll boult out your roguery .

Cand.

I will but lay these parcels by — My men are all at Custome-house vnloding Wares , if Cambricke you wud deale in , there 's the best , all Millan cannot sample it .

Lod.

Doe you heare ? 1. 2. 3. S'foot , there came in 4. Gallants , sure your wife is slipt vp , and the 4th . man I hold my life , is grafting your Warden tree .

Cand. Ha , ha , ha : you Gentlemen are full of Iest . If she be vp , she 's gone some wares to show , I haue aboue as good wares as below . Lod. Haue you so ? nay then — Cand. Now Gentlemen , is 't Cambricks ? Bry. I predee now let me haue de best wares . Cand. What 's that he saies , pray ' Gentlemen ? Lod. Mary he saies we are like to haue the best wares . Cand.

The best wares ? all are bad , yet wares doe good , And like to Surgeons , let sicke Kingdomes blood .

Bry.

Faat a Deuill pratest tow so , a pox on dee , I preddee let me see some Hollen , to make Linnen shirts , for feare my body be lowsie .

Cand. Indeed I vnderstand no word he speakes . Car.

Mary , he saies , that at the siege in Holland there was much bawdry vsed among the Souldiers , tho they were lowsie .

Cand. It may be so , that 's likely , true indeed , In euery garden , sir , does grow that weed . Bry.

Pox on de gardens , and de weedes , and de fooles cap dere , and de cloutes ; heare ? doest make a Hobby-horse of me .

Omnes . Oh fie , he has torne de Cambricke . Cand. 'T is no matter . Asto. It frets me to the soule . Cand. So doest not me . My Customers doe oft for remnants call , These are two remnants now , no losse at all . But let me tell you , were my Seruants here , It would ha cost more . — Thanke you Gentlemen , I vse you well , pray know my shop agen . Exit . Omnes . Ha , ha , ha ; come , come , let 's goe , let 's goe . Exeunt . Enter Matheo ( braue ) and Bellafront . Mat. How am I suited , Front ? am I not gallant , ha ? Bel. Yes , sir , you are suited well . Mat. Exceeding passing well , and to the time . Bel. The Taylor has plaid his part with you . Mat.

And I haue plaid a Gentlemans part with my Taylor , for I owe him for the making of it .

Bel. And why did you so , sir ? Mat.

To keepe the fashion ; It 's your onely fashion now of your best ranke of Gallants , to make their Taylors waite for their money , neither were it wisedome indeed to pay them vpon the first edition of a new suite : for commonly the suite is owing for , when the lynings are worne out , and there 's no reason then , that the Taylor should be paid before the Mercer .

Bel. Is this the suite the Knight bestowed vpon you ? Mat.

This is the suite , and I need not shame to weare it , for better men then I would be glad to haue suites bestowed on them . It 's a generous fellow , — but — pox on him — we whose Pericranions are the very Limbecks and Stillitories of good wit , and flie hie , must driue liquor out of stale gaping Oysters . Shallow Knight , poore Squire Tinacheo : I le make a wild Captaine of forty such : hang him , he 's an Asse , he 's alwaies sober .

Bel. This is your fault to wound your friends still . Mat.

No faith , Front , Lodouico is a noble Slauonian : it 's more rare to see him in a womans company , then for a Spaniard to goe into England , and to challenge the English Fencers there . — One knockes , — See — La , fa , sol , la , fa , la , rustle in Silkes and Satins : there 's musique in this , and a Taffety Petticoate , it make both flie hie , — Catzo .

Enter Bellafront , after her Orlando like himselfe , with foure men after him . Bel. Matheo ? 't is my Father . Mat.

Ha , Father ? It 's no matter , hee findes no tatterd Prodigals here .

Orl.

Is not the doore good enough to hold your blue Coates ? away , Knaues . Weare not your cloathes thred-bare at knees for me ; beg Heauens blessing , ( not mine . ) Oh cry your Worship mercy , sir , was somewhat bold to talke to this Gentlewoman , your wife here .

Mat. A poore Gentlewoman , sir . Orl. Stand not , sir , bare to me ; I ha read oft That Serpents who creepe low , belch ranker poison That winged Dragons doe , that flie aloft . Mat. If it offend you , sir ? 't is for my pleasure . Orl. Your pleasure be 't , sir ; vmh , is this your Palace ? Bel. Yes , and our Kingdome , for 't is our content . Orl.

It 's a very poore Kingdome then ; what , are all your Subiects gone a Sheepe-shearing ? not a Maid ? not a Man ? not so much as a Cat ? you keepe a good house belike , iust like one of your profession , euery roome with bare walls , and a halfe-headed bed to vault vpon ( as all your bawdy-houses are . ) Pray who are your Vpholsters ? Oh , the Spider . I see , they bestow hangings vpon you .

Mat. Bawdy-house ? Zounds sir — Bel. Oh sweet Matheo , peace . Vpon my knees I doe beseech you , sir , not to arraigne me For sinnes , which heauen , I hope , long since hath pardoned . Those flames ( like lightning flashes ) are so spent , The heate no more remaines , then where ships went , Or where birds cut the aire , the print remaines . Mat. Pox on him , kneele to a Dog ? Bel. She that 's a Whore , Liues gallant , fares well , is not ( like me ) poore , I ha now as small acquaintance with that sinne , As if I had neuer knowne it ; that , neuer bin . Orl.

No acquaintance with it ? what maintaines thee then ? how doest liue then ? has thy husband any Lands ? any Rents comming in , any Stocke going , any Ploughs iogging , any Ships sailing ? hast thou any Wares to turne , so much as to get a single penny by ? yes , thou hast Ware to sell , Knaues are thy Chapmen , and thy Shop is Hell .

Mat. Doe you heare , sir ? Orl. So sir , I do heare , sir , more of you then you dreame I do . Mat. You flie a little too hie , sir . Orl. Why , sir , too hie ? Mat.

I ha suffred your tongue , like a bard Cater tra , to runne all this while , and ha not stopt it .

Orl. Well , sir , you talke like a Gamester . Mat.

If you come to bark at her , because shee 's a poore rogue ; look you , here 's a fine path , sir , and there , there the doore .

Bel. Matheo ? Mat. Your blue Coates stay for you , sir . I loue a good honest roaring Boy , and so — Orl. That 's the Deuill . Mat.

Sir , sir , I le ha no Ioues in my house to thunder Auaunt : she shall liue and be maintained , when you , like a keg of musty Sturgeon , shall stinke . Where ? in your Coffin . How ? be a musty fellow , and lowsie .

Orl.

I know she shall be maintained , but how ? she like a Queane , thou like a Knaue ; she like a Whore , thou like a Thiefe .

Mat. Theife ? Zounds Thiefe ? Bel. Good dearest Mat . — Father . Mat.

Pox on you both , I le not be braued : New Sattin scornes to be put downe with bare bawdy Veluet . Thiefe ?

Orl.

I Thiefe , th' art a Murtherer , a Cheater , a Whore-monger , a Pot-hunter , a Borrower , a Begger —

Bel. Deare Father . Mat.

An old Asse , a Dog , a Churle , a Chuffe , an Vsurer , a Villaine , a Moth , a mangy Mule , with an old veluet foot-cloth on his backe , sir .

Bel. Oh me ! Orl. Varlet , for this I le hang thee . Mat. Ha , ha , alas . Orl. Thou keepest a man of mine here , vnder my nose . Mat. Vnder thy beard . Orl.

As arrant a smell-smocke , for an old Mutton-munger , as thy selfe .

Mat. No , as your selfe . Orl.

As arrant a purse-take . as euer cride , Stand , yet a good fellow , I confesse , and valiant , but he 'll bring thee to 'th Gallowes ; you both haue robd of late two poore Country Pedlers .

Mat.

How 's this ? how 's this ? doest thou flie hie ? rob Pedlers ? beare witnes Front , rob Pedlers ? my man and I a Thiefe ?

Bel. Oh , sir , no more . Orl.

I Knaue , two Pedlers , hue and cry is vp , Warrants are out , and I shall see thee climbe a Ladder .

Mat

And come downe againe as well as a Bricklayer , or a Tyler . How the vengeance knowes he this ? If I be hanged , I le tell the people I married old Friscabaldoes Daughter , I le frisco you , and your old carkas .

Orl.

Tell what thou canst ; if I stay here longer , I shall bee hang'd too , for being in thy company ; therefore , as I found you , I leaue you .

Mat. Kneele , and get money of him . Orl.

A Knaue and a Queane , a Thiefe and a Strumpet , a couple of Beggers , a brace of Baggages .

Mat.

Hang vpon him . I , I , sir , fare you well ; we are so : follow close — we are Beggers — in Sattin — to him .

Bel. Is this your comfort , when so many yeeres You ha left me frozen to death ? Orl. Freeze still , starue still . Bel. Yes , so I shall : I must : I must and will . If as you say I 'm poore , relieue me then , Let me not sell my body to base men . You call me Strumpet , Heauen knowes I am none : Your cruelty may driue me to be one : Let not that sinne be yours , let not the shame Of common Whore liue longer then my name . That cunning Bawd ( Necessity ) night and day Plots to vndoe me ; driue that Hag away , Lest being at lowest ebbe , as now I am , I sinke for euer . Orl. Lowest ebbe , what ebbe ? Bel. So poore , that ( tho to tell it be my shame ) I am not worth a dish to hold my meate ; I am yet poorer , I want bread to eate . Orl. It 's not seene by your cheekes . Mat.

I thinke she has read an Homely to tickle to the old rogue .

Orl. Want bread ? there 's Sattin : bake that . Mat. S'blood , make Pasties of my cloathes ? Orl.

A faire new Cloake , stew that ; an excellent gilt Rapier .

Mat. Will you eat that , sir ? Orl. I could feast ten good fellowes with those Hangers . Mat. The pox you shall . Orl. I shall not ( till thou beggest , ) thinke thou art poore ; And when thou beggest , I le feed thee at my doore , As I feed Dogs , ( with bones ) till then beg , Borrow , pawne , steale , and hang , turne Bawde . When th' art no Whore , my heart-strings sure Would crack , were they strained more . Exit . Mat.

This is your Father , your damn'd — confusion light vpon all the generation of you ; he can come bragging hither with foure white Herrings ( at 's taile ) in blue Coates without roes in their bellies , but I may starue ere he giue me so much as a cob .

Bel. What tell you me of this ? alas . Mat.

Goe trot after your Dad , doe you capitulate , I le pawne not for you , I le not steale to be hanged for such an hypocriticall close common Harlot : away , you Dog — Braue yfaith ! Vds foot , Giue me some meate .

Bel. Yes , Sir . Exit . Mat.

Goodman slaue , my man too , is gallop'd to the Deuill a the t'other side : Pacheco , I le checo you . Is this your Dads day ? England ( they say ) is the onely hell for Horses , and onely Paradise for Women : pray get you to that Paradise , because y' are called an Honest Whore ; there they liue none but honest whores with a pox : Mary here in our Citty , all our sex are but foot-cloth Nags : the Master no sooner lights , but the man leapes into the saddle .

Enter Bellafront . Bel. Will you sit downe I pray , sir ? Mat.

I could teare ( by 'th Lord ) his flesh , and eate his midriffe in salt , as I eate this : — must I choake — my Father Friscabaldo , I shall make a pittifull Hog-louse of you Orlando , if you fall once into my fingers — Here 's the sauorest meat : I ha got a stomacke with chasing . What Rogue should tell him of those two Pedlers ? A plague choake him , and gnaw him to the bare bones : come fill .

Bel.

Thou sweatest with very anger , good sweet , vex not , 'las , 't is no fault of mine .

Mat.

Where didst buy this Mutton ? I neuer felt better ribbes .

Bel. A neighbour sent it me . Enter Orlando . Mat.

Hah , neighbour ? foh , my mouth stinkes , you whore , doe you beg victuals for me ? Is this Sattin doublet to bee bumbasted with broken meat ?

Takes vp the stoole . Orl. What will you doe , sir ? Mat. Beat out the braines of a beggerly — Exit Beliafront . Orl.

Beat out an Asses head of your owne ; away , Mistris . Zownds , doe but touch one haire of her , and I le so quilt your cap with old Iron , that your coxcombe shall ake the worse these seuen yeeres for 't : Does she looke like a roasted Rabbet , that you must haue the head for the braines ?

Mat.

Ha , ha : Goe out of my doores , you Rogue , away , foure markes trudge .

Orl.

Foure markes ? no , sir , my twenty pound that you ha made flie hie , and I am gone .

Mat.

Must I be fed with chippings ? y' are best get a clap-dish , and say y' are Proctor to some Spittle-house . Where hast thou beene , Pacheco ? come hither my little Turkycocke .

Orl. I cannot abide , sir , to see a woman wrong'd , not I . Mat. Sirra , here was my Father-in-law to day . Orl. Pish , then y' are full of Crownes . Mat.

Hang him , he would ha thrust crownes vpon me , to haue falne in againe , but I scorne cast-cloathes , or any mans gold .

Orl. But mine : how did he brooke that ( sir ? ) Mat.

Oh : swore like a dozen of drunken Tinkers ; at last growing foule in words , he and foure of his men drew vpon me , sir .

Orl. In your house ? wud I had bin by . Mat.

I made no more adoe , but fell to my old locke , and so thrashed my blue Coates , and old crabtree-face my father-in-law , and then walkt like a Lion in my grate .

Orl. Oh Noble Master ! Mat.

Sirra , he could tell me of the robbing the two Pedlers , and that warrants are out for vs both .

Orl. Good , sir , I like not those crackers . Mat. Crack halter , wut set thy foot to mine ? Orl. How , sir ? at drinking . Mat.

We 'll pull that old Crow my Father : rob thy Master . I know the house , thou the seruants : the purchase is rich , the plot to get it easie , the Dog will not part from a bone .

Orl.

Pluck't out of his throat then : I le snarle for one , if this can bite .

Mat.

Say no more , say no more , old cole , meet me anon at the signe of the Shipwracke .

Orl. Yes , sir . Mat. And dost heare , man ? — the Shipwracke . Exit . Orl. Th' art at the Shipwracke now , and like a swimmer Bold ( but vnexpert ) with those waues doest play , Whose dalliance ( whorelike ) is to cast thee away . Enter Hipollito and Bellafront . Orl. And here 's another Vessell , ( better fraught , But as ill man'd ) her sinking will be wraught , If rescue come not : like a Man of warre I le therefore brauely out : somewhat I le doe , And either saue them both , or perish too . Exit . Hip. It is my fate to be bewitched by those eyes . Bel. Fate ? your folly . Why should my face thus mad you ? 'las , those colours Are wound vp long agoe , which beauty spred , The flowres that once grew here , are withered . You turn'd my blacke soule white , made it looke new , And should I sinne , it ne'r should be with you . Hip. Your hand , I le offer you faire play : When first We met i' th Lists together , you remember You were a common Rebell ; with one parlee I won you to come in . Bel. You did . Hip. I le try If now I can beate downe this Chastity With the same Ordnance ; will you yeeld this Fort , If with the power of Argument now ( as then ) I get of you the conquest : as before I turnd you honest , now to turne you whore , By force of strong perswasion ? Bell. If you can , I yeeld . Hip. The allarm 's strucke vp : I 'm your man . Bel. A woman giues defiance . Hip. Sit . Bel. Beginne : 'T is a braue battaile to encounter sinne . Hip. You men that are to fight in the same warre , To which I 'm prest , and pleade at the same barre , To winne a woman , if you wud haue me speed , Send all your wishes . Bel. No doubt y' are heard , proceede . Hip. To be a Harlot , that you stand vpon , The very name 's a charme to make you one . Harlot was a Dame of so diuine And rauishing touch , that she was Concubine To an English King : her sweet bewitching eye Did the Kings heart-strings in such loue-knots tye , That euen the coyest was proud when she could heare Men say , Behold ; another Harlot there ; And after her all women that were faire Were Harlots call'd , as to this day some are : Besides her dalliance , she so well does mix , That she 's in Latine call'd the Meretrix . Thus for the name ; for the profession , this , Who liues in bondage , liues lac'd , the chiefe blisse This world below can yeeld , is liberty : And who ( than whores ) with looser wings dare flie ? As Iunoes proud bird spreads the fairest taile , So does a Strumpet hoist the loftiest saile . She 's no mans slaue ; ( men are her slaues ) her eye Moues not on wheeles screwd vp with Iealowsie . She ( Horst , or Coacht ) does merry iourneys make , Free as the Sunne in his gilt Zodiake : As brauely does she shine , as fast she 's driuen , But staies not long in any house of Heauen : But shifts from Signe , to Signe , her amorous prizes More rich being when she 's downe , then when she rizes . In briefe , Gentlemen haunt them , Soldiers fight for them , Few men but know them , few or none abhorre them : Thus ( for sport sake ) speake I , as to a woman , Whom ( as the worst ground ) I would turne to common : But you I would enclose for mine owne bed . Bel. So should a husband be dishonoured . Hip. Dishonoured ? not a whit : to fall to one ( Besides your husband ) is to fall to none , For one no number is . Bel. Faith , should you take One in your bed , would you that reckoning make ? 'T is time you sound retreate . Hip. Say , haue I wonne , Is the day ours ? Bel. The battaile 's but halfe done , None but your selfe haue yet sounded alarmes , Let vs strike too , else you dishonour armes . Hip. If you can win the day , The glorie 's yours . Bel. To proue a woman should not be a whore , When she was made , she had one man , and no more , Yet she was tied to lawes then , for ( ouen than ) 'T is said , she was not made for men , but man . Anon , t' increase earths brood , the law was varied , Men should take many wiues : and tho they married According to that Act , yet 't is not knowne , But that those wiues were onely tied to one . New Parliaments were since : for now one woman Is shared betweene three hundred , nay she 's common ; Common ? as spotted Leopards , whom for sport Men hunt , to get the flesh , but care not for 't . So spread they Nets of gold , and tune their Calls , To inchaunt silly women to take falls : Swearing they are Angels , ( which that they may win ) They 'll hire the Deuill to come with false Dice in . Oh Sirens suttle tunes ! your selues you flatter , And our weake sex betray , so men loue water ; It serues to wash their hands , but ( being once foule ) The water downe is powred , cast out of doores , And euen of such base vse doe men make whores . A Harlot ( like a Hen ) more sweetnes reapes , To picke men one by one vp , then in heapes : Yet all feeds but confounding . Say you should taste me , I serue but for the time , and when the day Of warre is done , am casheerd out of pay : If like lame Soldiers I could beg , that 's all , And there 's lusts Rendez-vous , an Hospitall . Who then would be a mans slaue , a mans woman ? She 's halfe staru'd the first day that feeds in Common . Hip. You should not feed so , but with me alone . Bel. If I drinke poison by stealth , is 't not all one ? Is 't not ranke poison still ? with you alone ! Nay say you spide a Curtezan , whose soft side To touch , you 'd sell your birth-right for one kisse , Be rack'd , she 's won , y' are sated : what followes this ? Oh , then you curse that Bawd that toald you in , ( The Night ) you curse your lust , you loath the sin , You loath her very sight , and ere the day Arise , you rise glad when y' are stolne away . Euen then when you are drunke with all her sweets , There 's no true pleasure in a Strumpets sheetes . Women , whom Lust so prostitutes to sale , Like Dancers vpon ropes ; once seene , are stale . Hip. If all the threds of Harlots lyues are span , So coorse as you would make them , tell me why You so long loued the trade ? Bel. If all the threds Of Harlots lyues be fine as you would make them , Why doe not you perswade your wife turne whore , And all Dames else to fall befere that sin ? Like an ill husband ( who I knew the same , To be my vndoing ) followed I that game . Oh when the worke of Lust had earn'd my bread , To taste it , how I trembled , lest each bit , Ere it went downe , should choake me ( chewing it ? ) My bed seem'd like a Cabin hung in Hell , The Bawde Hells Porter , and the lickorish wine The Pander fetch'd , was like an easie Fine , For which , me thought I leas'd away my soule , And oftentimes ( euen in my quaffing bowle ) Thus said I to my selfe , I am a whore , And haue drunke downe thus much confusion more . Hip. It is a common rule , and 't is most true , Two of one trade neuer loue ; no more doe you . Why are you sharpe 'gainst that you once profest ? Bel. Why doate you on that , which you did once detest ? I cannot ( seeing she 's wouen of such bad stuffe ) Set colours on a Harlot base enough . Nothing did make me , when I loued them best , To loath them more then this : when in the street A faire yong modest Damsell I did meet , She seem'd to all a Doue ( when I pass'd by ) And I ( to all ) a Rauen : euery eye That followed her , wont with a bash full glance At me , each bold and ieering countenance Darted forth scorne : to her ( as if she had bin Some Tower vnvanquished ) would they vaile , 'Gainst me swolne Rumor hoisted euery saile . She ( crown'd with reuerend praises ) passed by them , I ( tho with face maskt ) could not scape the hem , For ( as if Heauen had set strange markes on Whores , Because they should be pointing stocks to man ) Drest vp in ciuilest shape a Curtizan . Let her walke Saint-like , notelesse , and vnknowne , Yet she 's betraid by some tricke of her owne . Were Harlots therefore wise , they 'd be sold deare : For men account them good but for one yeere : And then like Almanackes ( whose dates are gone ) They are throwne by , and no more lookt vpon . who 'le therefore backward fall , who will lanch forth In Seas so foule , for ventures no more worth ? Lusts voiage hath ( if not this course ) this crosse , Buy ne'r so cheape , your Ware comes home with losse . What , shall I sound retreat ? the battaile 's done : Let the world iudge which of vs two haue won . Hip. I ! Bel. You ? nay then as cowards doe in fight , What by blowes cannot , shall be saued by flight . Exit . Hip. Flie to earths fixed Center : to the Caues Of euerlasting horror , I le pursue thee , ( Tho loaden with sinnes ) euen to Hells brazen doores . Thus wisest men turne fooles , doting on whores . Exit . Enter the Duke , Lodouico , and Orlando : after them Infaelice . Carolo , Astolfo , Beraldo , Fontinell . Orl.

I beseech your Grace ( tho your eye be so piercing ) as vnder a poore blue Coate , to cull out an honest Father from an old Seruingman : yet good my Lord discouer not the plot to any , but onely this Gentleman that is now to be an Actor in our ensuing Comedy .

Duke . Thou hast thy wish , Orlando , passe vnknowne , Sforsa shall onely goe along with thee , To see that Warrant serued vpon thy Sonne . Lod. To attach him vpon fellony , for 2. Pedlers : is 't not so ? Orl.

Right , my Noble Knight : those Pedlers were two Knaues of mine ; he fleec'd the men before , and now he purposes to flea the Master . He will rob me , his teeth water to be nibbling at my gold , but this shal hang him by 'th gills , till I pull him on shore .

Duke . Away : ply you the businesse . Orl.

Thankes to your Grace : but my good Lord , for my Daughter .

Duke . You know what I haue said . Orl.

And remember what I haue sworne : She 's more honest , on my soule , then one of the Turkes Wenches , watcht by a hundred Eunuches .

Lod. So she had need , for the Turkes make them whores . Orl.

He 's a Turke that makes any woman a Whore , hee 's no true Christian I 'm sure . I commit your Grace .

Duke . Infaelice . Infae. Here , sir . Lod. Signior Friscabaldo . Orl. Frisking agen , Pacheco ? Lod.

Vds so , Pacheco ? wee 'll haue some sport with this Warrant : 't is to apprehend all suspected persons in the house : Besides , there 's one Bots a Pander , and one Madam Horsleach a Bawde , that haue abus'd my friend , those two Coneyes will we ferret into the pursenet .

Orl.

Let me alone for dabbing them o' th necke : come , come .

Lod. Doe ye heare , Gallants ? meet me anon at Matheos . Omnes . Enough . Exeunt Lodouico & Orlando . Duke . Th' old Fellow sings that note thou didst before , Onely his tunes are , that she is no Whore , But that she sent his Letters and his gifts , Out of a Noble Triumph o're his Lust , To shew she trampled his Assaults in dust . Infae. 'T is a good honest seruant , that old man . Duke . I doubt no lesse . Infae. And it may be my husband , Because when once this woman was vnmaskt , He leueld all her thoughts , and made them fit : Now he 'd marre all agen , to try his wit . Duke . It may be so too , for to turne a Harlot Honest , it must be by strong Antidots , 'T is rare , as to see Panthers change their spots . And when she 's once a Starre ( fixed ) and shines bright , Tho 't were impiety then to dim her light , Because we see such Tapers seldome burne . Yet 't is the pride and glory of some men , To change her to a blazing Starre agen , And it may be , Hipollito does no more . It cannot be , but y' are acquainted all With that same madnesse of our Sonne-in-law , That dotes so on a Curtizan . Omnes . Yes , my Lord . Car. All the City thinkes he 's a Whoremonger . Ast. Yet I warrant , he 'll sweare , no man markes him . Ber.

'T is like so , for when a man goes a wenching , is as if he had a strong stincking breath , euery one smells him out , yet he feeles it not , tho it be rancker then the sweat of sixteene Bearewarders .

Duke . I doubt then you haue all those stinking breaths , You might be all smelt out . Car.

Troth my Lord , I thinke we are all as you ha bin in your youth when you went a Maying , we all loue to heare the Cuckoo sing vpon other mens Trees .

Duke . It 's well yet you confesse : but Girle , thy bed Shall not be parted with a Curtizan — 't is strange , No frowne of mine , no frowne of the poore Lady , ( My abused child , his wife ) no care of fame , Of Honor , Heauen or Hell , no not that name Of Common Strumpet , can affright , or woo Him to abandon her ; the Harlot does vndoe him , She has bewitched him , robd him of his shape , Turnd him into a beast , his reason 's lost , You see he lookes wild , does he not ? Car. I ha noted new Moones In 's face , my Lord , all full of change . Duke . He 's no more life vnto Hipollito , Then dead men are to liuing — neuer sleepes , Or if he doe , it 's dreames ; and in those dreames His armes worke , — and then cries — Sweet — what 's her Name , what 's the drabs name ? Ast. In troth , my Lord , I know not , I know no drabs , not I . Duke . Oh , Bellafront ! And catching her fast , cries , My Bellafront . Car.

A drench that 's able to kill a Horse , cannot kill this disease of Smock-smelling , my Lord , if it haue once eaten deepe .

Duke . I le try all Phisicke , and this Med'cine first : I haue directed Warrants strong and peremptory ( To purge our Citty Millan , and to cure the outward Parts , the Suburbes ) for the attaching Of all those women , who ( like gold ) want waight , Citties ( like Ships ) should haue no idle fraight . Car. No , my Lord , and light wenches are no idle fraight , But what 's your Graces reach in this ? Duke . This ( Carolo . ) If she whom my Son doates on , Be in that Master-booke enrold , he 'll shame Euer t' approach one of such noted name . Car. But say she be not ? Duke . Yet on Harlots heads New Lawes shall fall so heauy , and such blowes shall Giue to those that haunt them , that Hipollito ( If not for feare of Law ) for loue to her , If he loue truely , shall her bed forbeare . Car.

Attach all the light heeles i' th Citty , and clap em vp ? why , my Lord ? you diue into a Well vnsearchable : all the Whores within the walls , & without the walls ? I would not be he should meddle with them for ten such Dukedomes ; the Army that you speake on , is able to fill all the prisons within this Citty , and to leaue not a drinking roome in any Tauerne besides .

Duke . Those onely shall be caught that are of note , Harlots in each street flow : The fish being thus i' th net , our selfe will sit , And with eye most seuere dispose of it . — come , Girle . Car. Araigne the poore Whore . Ast. I le not misse that Sessions . Font. Nor I . Ber. Nor I , Tho I hold vp my hand there my selfe . Exeunt . Enter Matheo , Orlando , and Lodouico . Mat.

Let who will come ( my Noble Shauileir ) I can but play the kind Hoast , and bid vm welcome .

Lod.

We 'll trouble your house ( Matheo ) but as Dutchmen doe in Tauernes ( drinke , be merry , and be gone . )

Orl.

Indeed if you be right Dutchmen , if you fall to drinking , you must be gone .

Mat.

The worst is , my wife is not at home ; but we 'll flie hie ( my generous Knight ) for all that : there 's no Musike when a woman is in the consort .

Orl. No , for she 's like a paire of Virginals , Alwaies with Iackes at her taile . Enter Astolfo , Carolo , Beraldo , Fontinell . Lod. See , the Couy is sprung . Orl . Saue you Gallants . Mat. Happily encounterd , sweet bloods . Lod.

Gentlemen , you all know Signior Candido , the Linnen Draper , he that 's more patient then a browne Baker , vpon the day when he heates his Ouen , and has forty Scolds about him .

Omnes . Yes , we know him all , what of him ? Lod.

Wud it not be a good fit of mirth , to make a piece of English cloth of him , and to stretch him on the Tainters , till the threds of his owne naturall humor cracke , by making him drinke healths , Tobacco , dance , sing bawdy songs , or to run any bias according as we thinke good to cast him ?

Car. 'T were a Morris dance worth the seeing . Ast.

But the old Fox is so crafty , we shall hardly hunt out of his den .

Mat.

To that traine I ha giuen fire already ; and the hook to draw him hither , is to see certaine pieces of Lawne , which I told him I haue to sell , and indeed haue such : fetch them downe , Pacheco .

Orl.

Yes , sir , I 'm your Water-spanniell , and will fetch any thing : but I le fetch one dish of meat anon , shall turne your stomacke , and that 's a Constable .

Exit . Enter Bots vshering Mistris Horsleach . Omnes . How now ? how now ? Car. What Gally-foist is this ? Lod.

Peace , two dishes of stew'd prunes , a Bawde and a Pander . My worthy Lieutenant Bots ; why , now I see th' art a-man of thy word , welcome ; welcome Mistris Horsleach : Pray Gentlemen , salute this reuerend Matron .

Hors. Thankes to all your Worships . Lod.

I-bade a Drawer send in wine too : did none come along with thee ( Grannam ) but the Lieutenant ?

Hors.

None came along with me but Bots , if it like your Worship .

Bots. Who the pox should come along with you but Bots ? Enter two Uintners . Omnes . Oh braue ! march faire . Lod. Are you come ? that 's well . Mat. Here 's Ordnance able to sacke a Citty . Lod. Come , repeat , read this Inuentory . 1. Uint.

Imprimis , a pottle of Greeke wine , a pottle of Peter sa meene , a pottle of Charnico , and a pottle of Ziattica .

Lod. Y' are paid ? 2. Uint. Yes Sir . Exeunt Vintners . Mat. So shall some of vs be anon , I feare . Bots.

Here 's a hot day towards : but zounds , this is the life out of which a Soldier sucks sweetnesse , when this Artillery goes off roundly , some must drop to the ground : Cannon , Demy-cannon , Saker , and Basalisk .

Lod. Giue fire , Lieutenant . Bots.

So , so : Must I venture first vpon the breach ? to you all , Gallants : Bots sets vpon you all .

Omnes .

Its hard ( Bots ) if we pepper not you , as well as you pepper vs .

Enter Candido . Lod.

My noble Linnen Draper ! Some wine : Welcome old Lad .

Mat. Y' are welcome , Signior . Cand. These Lawnes , sir ? Mat.

Presently , my man is gone for them : we ha rigged a Fleet , you see here , to saile about the world .

Cand. A dangerous Voyage , sailing in such Ships . Bots. There 's no casting ouer boord yet . Lod.

Because you are an old Lady , I will haue you be acquainted with this graue Cittizen , pray bestow your lips vpon him , and bid him welcome .

Hors.

Any Cittizen shall be most welcome to me : — I haue vsed to buy ware at your shop .

Cand. It may be so , good Madam . Hors.

Your Prentices know my dealings well ; I trust your good wife be in good case : if it please you , beare her a token from my lips , by word of mouth .

Cand.

I pray no more forsooth , 't is very well , indeed I loue no sweet meats : — Sh 'as a breath stinkes worse then fifty Polecats . Sir , a word , is she a Lady ?

Lod.

A woman of a good house , and an ancient , shee 's a Bawde .

Cand.

A Bawde ? Sir , I le steale hence , and see your Lawnes some other time .

Mat.

Steale out of such company ? Pacheco ? my man is but gone for em : Lieutenant Bots , drinke to this worthy old fellow , and teach him to flie hie .

Omnes . Swagger : and make him doo 't on his knees . Cand.

How , Bots ? now blesse me , what doe I with Bots ? no wine in sooth , no wine , good Master Bots .

Bots.

Gray-beard , Goats pizzle : 't is a health , haue this in your guts , or this , there : I will sing a bawdy song , sir , because your vergis face is melancholly , to make liquor goe downe glib : will you fall on your maribones , and pledge this health , 't is to my Mistris , a whore ?

Cand.

Here 's Ratsbane vpon Ratsbane : Master Bots , I pray , sir , pardon me : you are a Soldier , presse me not to this seruice , I am old , and shoot not in such pot-gunnes .

Bots. Cap , I le teach you . Cand.

To drinke healths , is to drinke sicknesse : Gentlemen , pray rescue me .

Bots. Zounds , who dare ? Omnes . We shall ha stabbing then ? Cand. I ha reckonings to cast vp , good Master Bots . Bots. This will make you cast em vp better . Lod. Why does your hand shake so ? Cand. The palsie , Signiors , danceth in my blood . Bots.

Pipe with a pox , sir , then , or I le make your blood dance —

Cand. Hold , hold , good Master Bots , I drinke . Omnes . To whom ? Cand. To the old Countesse there . Hors.

To me , old Boy ? this is he that neuer drunke wine : once agen too 't .

Cand. With much adoe the poison is got downe , Tho I can scarce get vp ; neuer before Dranke I a whores health , nor will neuer more . Enter Orlando with Lawnes . Mat. Hast bin at Gallowes ? Orl. Yes , sir , for I make account to suffer to day . Mat. Looke , Signior : here 's the Commodity . Cand. Your price ? Mat. Thus . Cand. No : too deare : thus . Mat.

No : O fie , you must slie higher : yet take em home , trifles shall not make vs quarrell , we 'll agree , you shall haue them , and a penniworth , I le fetch money at your shop .

Cand. Be it so , good Signior , send me going . Mat. Going ? a deepe bowle of wine for Signior Candido . Orl. He wud be going . Cand. I le rather stay , then goe so : stop your Bowle . Enter Constable and Bilmen . Lod. How now ? Bots. Is 't Shroue-tuesday , that these Ghosts walke . Mat. What 's your businesse , Sir ? Const.

From the Duke : you are the man wee looke for , Signior , I haue Warrant here from the Duke , to apprehend you vpon fellony for robbing two Pedlers : I charge you i' th Dukes name goe quickly .

Mat.

Is the winde turn'd ? well : this is that old Wolfe , my Father-in-law : seeke out your Mistris , Sirra .

Orl. Yes , Sir : as shafts by piecing are made strong , So shall thy life be straightned by this wrong . Exit . Omnes . In troth we are sorry . Mat.

Braue men must bee crost , pish , it 's but Fortunes Dice rouing against me : Come , sir , pray vse me like a Gentleman , let me not be carried through the streets like a Pageant .

Const.

If these Gentlemen please , you shall goe along with them .

Omnes . Bee 't so : come . Const. What are you , sir ? Bots.

I , sir ? sometimes a figure , sometimes a cipher , as the State has occasion to cast vp her accounts : I 'm a Soldier .

Const. Your name is Bots , is 't not ? Bots. Bots is my name , Bots is knowne to this Company . Const. I know you are , Sir : what 's she ? Bots. A Gentlewoman , my Mother . Const. Take em both along . Bots. Me ? Sirrr . Billmen . And Sirrr . Const. If he swagger , raise the street . Bots. Gentlemen , Gentlemen , whither will you drag vs ? Lod. To the Garden house . Bots , are we euen with you ? Const. To Bridewell with em . Bots. You will answer this . Exeunt . Const.

Better then a challenge , I haue warrant for my worke , sir .

Lod. Wee 'll goe before . Exeunt . Const. Pray doe .

Who , Signior Candido ? a Cittizen of your degree consorted thus , and reuelling in such a house ?

Cand. Why , sir ? what house I pray ? Const. Lewd , and defamed . Cand. Is 't so ? thankes , sir : I 'm gone . Const. What haue you there ? Cand.

Lawnes which I bought , sir , of the Gentleman that keepes the house .

Const.

And I haue warrant here , to search for such stolne Ware : these Lawnes are stolne .

Cand. Indeed ! Const.

So he 's the Thiefe , you the Receiuer : I 'm sorry for this chance , I must commit you .

Cand. Me , sir , for what ? Const.

These Goods are found vpon you , and you must answer 't .

Cand. Must I so ? Const. Most certaine . Cand. I le send for Bayle . Const.

I dare not : yet because you are a Cittizen of worth , you shall not be made a pointing stocke , but without Guard passe onely with my selfe .

Cand. To Bridewell too ? Const. No remedy . Cand.

Yes , patience : being not mad , they had mee once to Bedlam ,

Now I 'm drawne to Bridewell , louing no Whores . Const. You will buy Lawne ? — Exeunt . Enter at one doore Hipollito ; at another , Lodouico , Astolfo , Carolo , Beraldo , Fontinell . Lod.

Yonder 's the Lord Hipollito , by any meanes leaue him and me together : Now will I turne him to a Madman .

Omnes . Saue you , my Lord . Exeunt . Lod. I ha strange newes to tell you . Hip. What are they ? Lod. Your Mare 's i' th pound . Hip. How 's this ? Lod. Your Nightingale is in a Limebush . Hip. Ha ? Lod. Your Puritanicall Honest Whore sits in a blue gowne . Hip. Blue Gowne ! Lod.

She 'll chalke out your way to her now : she beats chalke .

Hip. Where , who dares ? Lod.

Doe you know the Bricke-house of Castigation , by the Riuer side that runnes by Millan : the Schoole where they pronounce no letter well but O ?

Hip. I know it not . Lod.

Any man that has borne Office of Constable , or any woman that has falne from a Horse-load to a Cart-load , or like an old Hen that has had none but rotten egges in her nest , can direct you to her : there you shall see your Puncke amongst her back-friends , there you may haue her at your will , for there she beates Chalke , or grindes in the Mill , with a whip deedle , deedle , deedle , deedle ; ah little monkey .

Hip.

What Rogue durst serue that Warrant , knowing I loued her ?

Lod. Some Worshipfull Rascall , I lay my life . Hip. I le beat the Lodgings downe about their eares That are her Keepers . Lod. So you may bring an old house ouer her head . Hip. I le to her — I le to her , stood armed Fiends to guard the doores . Exit . Lod. Oh me ! what Monsters are men made by whores ? If this false fire doe Kindle him , there 's one Faggot More to the bonfire , now to my Bridewell Birds , What Song will they sing ? Exit . Enter Duke , Carolo , Astolfo , Beraldo , Fontinell , three or foure Masters of Bridewell : Infaelice . Duke . Your Bridewell ? that the name ? for beauty , strength , Capacity and forme of ancient building , ( Besides the Riuers neighbourhood ) few houses Wherein we keepe our Court can better it . 1. Master . Hither from forraigne Courts haue Princes come , And with our Duke did Acts of State Commence , Here that great Cardinall had first audience , ( The graue Campayne , ) that Duke dead , his Sonne ( That famous Prince ) gaue free possession Of this his Palace , to the Cittizens , To be the poore mans ware-house : and endowed it With Lands to 'th valew of seuen hundred marke , With all the bedding and the furniture , once proper ( As the Lands then were ) to an Hospitall Belonging to a Duke of Sauoy . Thus Fortune can tosse the World , a Princes Court Is thus a prison now . Duke . 'T is Fortunes sport : These changes common are : the Wheele of Fate Turnes Kingdomes vp , till they fall desolate . But how are these seuen hundred Markes by 'th yeere Imployde in this your Worke-house ? 1. Master . Warre and Peace Feed both vpon those Lands : when the Iron doores Of warres burst open , from this House are sent Men furnisht in all Martiall Complement . The Moone hath thorow her Bow scarce drawn to 'th head , ( Like to twelue siluer Arrowes ) all the Moneths , Since 1600 . Soldiers went aboord : Here Prouidence and Charity play such parts , The House is like a very Schoole of Arts , For when our Soldiers ( like Ships driuen from Sea , With ribs all broken , and with tatterd sides , ) Cast anchor here agen , their ragged backes How often doe we couer ? that ( like men ) They may be sent to their owne Homes agen . All here are but one swarme of Bees , and striue To bring with wearied thighs honey to the Hiue . The sturdy Begger , and the lazy Lowne , Gets here hard hands , or lac'd Correction . The Vagabond growes stay'd , and learnes to ' bey , The Drone is beaten well , and sent away As other prisons are , ( some for the Thiefe , Some , by which vndone Credit gets reliefe From bridled Debtors ; others for the poore ) So this is for the Bawd , the Rogue , and Whore . Car. An excellent Teeme of Horse . 1. Master . Nor is it seene , That the whip drawes blood here , to coole the Spleene Of any rugged Bencher : nor does offence Feele smart , or spitefull , or rash euidence : But pregnant testimony forth must stand , Ere Iustice leaue them in the Beadles hand , As Iron , on the Anuill are they laid , Not to take blowes alone , but to be made And fashioned to some Charitable vse . Duke .

Thus wholsom'st Lawes spring from the worst abuse .

Enter Orlando before Bellafront . Bel. Let mercy touch your heart-strings ( gracious Lord ) That it may sound like musike in the eare Of a man desperate , ( being i' th hands of Law . ) Duke . His name ? Bel. Matheo . Duke . For a robbery ? where is she ? Exit Bel. & one of the Masters of Bridewell . Bel. In this House . Duke . Fetch you him hither — Is this the Party ? Orl.

This is the Hen , my Lord , that the Cocke ( with the Lordly combe ) your Sonne-in-law would crow ouer , and tread .

Duke . Are your two Seruants ready ? Orl. My two Pedlers are pack'd together , my good Lord . Duke . 'T is well : this day in Iudgement shall be spent , Vice ( like a wound launc'd ) mends by punishment . Infae. Let me be gone , my Lord , or stand vnseene ; 'T is rare when a Iudge strikes , and that none dye , And 't is vnfit then , women should be by . 1. Master . Wee 'll place you , Lady , in some priuat roome . Infae. Pray doe so . Exit . Orl. Thus nice Dames sweare , it is vnfit their eyes Sould view men caru'd vp for Anatomies , Yet they 'll see all , so they may stand vnseene , Many women sure will sinne behind a Skreene . Enter Lodouico . Lod. Your Sonne ( the Lord Hipollito ) is entred . Duke . Tell him we wish his presence . A word Storsa : On what wings flew he hither ? Lod.

These , I told him — his Larke whom he loued , was a Bridewell Bird , he 's mad that this Cage should hold her , and is come to let her out .

Duke . 'T is excellent : away , goe call him hither . Exit . Lod. Enter one of the Gouernours of the House , Bellafront after him with Matheo , after him the Constable . Enter at another doore , Lodouico and Hipollito : Orlando steps forth and brings in two Pedlers . Duke . You are to vs a stranger ( worthy Lord ) 'T is strange to see you here . Hip. It is most fit , That where the Sunne goes , Attornyes follow it . Duke . Attornyes neither shape , nor honour beare : Be you yourselfe , a Sunne-beame to shine cleare . Is this the Gentleman ? Stand forth & heare your accusation . Mat.

I le heare none : I flie hie in that : rather then Kites shall seize vpon me , and picke out mine eyes to my face , I le strike my tallons thorow mine owne heart first , and spit my blood in theirs : I am here for shriuing those two fooles of their sinfull packe : when those Iack-dawes haue cawde ouer me , then must I cry guilty , or not guilty ; the Law has worke enough already , and therefore I le put no worke of mine into his hands , the Hangman shall ha 't first , I did pluck those Ganders , did rob them .

Duke . 'T is well done to confesse . Mat.

Confesse and be hanged , and then I flie hie , is 't not so ? that for that a gallowes is the worst rub that a good Bowler can meet with : I stumbled against such a post , else this night I had plaid the part of a true Sonne in these daies , vndone my Father-in-law , with him wud I ha run at leapefrogge , and come ouer his gold , tho I had broke his necke for 't : but the poore Salmon Trout is now in the Net .

Hip. And now the Law must teach you to flie hie . Mat.

Right , my Lord , and then may you flie low ; no more words , a Mouse , Mum , you are stop'd .

Bel. Be good to my poore husband , deare my Lords . Mat.

Asse , why shouldst thou pray them to be good to me , when no man here is good to one another ?

Duke . Did any hand worke in this theft but yours ? Mat.

O , yes , my Lord , yes : — the Hangman has neuer one Sonne at a birth , his Children alwaies come by couples : Tho I cannot giue the old dog , my Father , a bone to gnaw , the Daughter shall bee sure of a Choke-peare . — Yes , my Lord , there was one more that fiddled my fine Pedlers , and that was my wife .

Bel. Alas , I ? Orl. O euerlasting , supernaturall superlatiue Villaine ! Omnes . Your wife , Matheo ? Hip. Sure it cannot be . Mat.

Oh , Sir , you loue no quarters of Mutton that hang vp , you loue none but whole Mutton ; she set the robbery , I perform'd it ; she spur'd me on , I gallop'd away .

Orl. My Lords . Bel. My Lords , ( fellow giue me speach ) if my poore life may ransome thine , I yeeld it to the Law , Thou hurt'st thy soule ( yet wipest off no offence ) By casting blots vpon my Innocence : Let not these spare me , but tell truth : no , see Who slips his necke out of the misery , Tho not out of the mischiefe : let thy Seruant That shared in this base Act , accuse me here , Why should my Husband perish , he goe cleare ? Orl. A god Child , hang thine owne Father . Duke . Old fellow , was thy hand in too ? Orl.

My hand was in the Pye , my Lord , I confesse it : my Mistris I see , will bring me to the Gallowes , and so leaue me ; but I le not leaue her so : I had rather hang in a womans company , then in a mans ; because if we should go to hell together , I should scarce be letten in , for all the Deuils are afraid to haue any women come amongst them , as I am true Thiefe , she neither consented to this fellony , nor knew of it .

Duke . What fury prompts thee on to kill thy wife ? Mat.

It 's my humor , Sir , 't is a foolish Bag-pipe that I make my selfe merry with : why should I eate hempe-seed at the Hangmans thirteene-pence halfe-penny Ordinary , and haue this whore laugh at me as I swing , as I totter ?

Duke . Is she a Whore ? Mat. A sixe-penny Mutton Pasty , for any to cut vp . Orl. Ah , Toad , Toad , Toad . Mat.

A Barbers Citterne for euery Seruingman to play vpon , that Lord , your Sonne , knowes it .

Hip. I , sir , am I her Bawd then ? Mat. No , sir , but she 's your Whore then , Orl. Yea Spider , doest catch at great Flies ? Hip. My Whore ? Mat.

I cannot talke , sir , and tell of your Reins , and your fees , and your whirligigs , and deuices : but , my Lord , I found em like Sparrowes in one nest , billing together , and bulling of me , I tooke em in bed , was ready to kill him was vp to stab her —

Hip. Cloze thy ranke Iawes : pardon me , I am vexed , Thou art a Villaine , a malicious Deuill , Deepe as the place where thou art lost , thou lyest , Since I am thus far got into this storme , I le thorow , and thou shalt see I le thorow vntoucht . When thou shalt perish in it . Enter Infaelice . Infae. 'T is my cue To enter now : roome , let my Prize be plaid , I ha lurk'd in Cloudes , yet heard what all haue said , What Iury more can proue , she has wrong'd my bed , Then her owne husband , she must be punished ; I challenge Law , my Lord , Letters , and Gold , and Iewels From my Lord that woman tooke . Hip. Against that blacke-mouthed Deuill , against Letters , and Gold , And against a iealous Wife I doe vphold , Thus farre her reputation , I could sooner Shake the Appenine , and crumble Rockes to dust , Then ( tho Ioues showre rayned downe ) tempt her to lust . Bel. What shall I say ? Hee discouers himselfe . Orl.

Say thou art not a Whore , and that 's more then fifteene women ( amongst fiue hundred ) dare sweare without lying : this shalt thou say , no let mee say 't for thee ; thy Husband 's a Knaue , this Lord 's an honest Man ; thou art no Puncke , this Lady 's a right Lady . Pacheco is a Thiefe as his Master is , but old Orlando is as true a man as thy Father is : I ha seene you flie hie , sir , & I ha seene you flie low , sir , and to keepe you from the Gallowes , sir , a blue Coat haue I worne , and a Thiefe did I turne , mine owne men are the Pedlers , my twenty pound did flie hie , sir , your wiues Gowne did flie low , sir : whither flie you now , sir ? you ha scap'd the Gallowes , to the Deuill you flie next , sir . Am I right , my Liege ?

Duke . Your Father has the true Phisicion plaid . Mat. And I am now his Patient . Hip.

And be so still , 't is a good signe when our cheekes blush at ill .

Const. The Linnen Draper ( Signior Candido ) He whom the Citty tearmes the Patient man , Is likewise here for buying of those Lawnes The Pedlers lost . Infae. Alas good Candido . Exit . Constable . Duke . Fetch him : and when these payments vp are cast , Weigh out your light Gold , but let 's haue them last . Enter Candido , and Constable . Duke . In Bridewell , Candido ? Cand. Yes , my good Lord . Duke . What make you here ? Cand. My Lord , what make you here ? Duke . I 'm here to saue right , and to driue wrong hence . Cand. And I to beare wrong here with patience . Duke . You ha bought stolne Goods . Cand. So they doe say , my Lord , Yet bought I them vpon a Gentlemans word , And Imagine now , as I thought then , That there be Theeues , but no Theeues Gentlemen . Hip. Your Credit 's crack'd being here . Cand. No more then Gold Being crack'd which does his estimation hold . I was in Bedlam once , but was I mad ? They made me pledge Whores healths , but am I bad , Because I 'm with bad people ? Duke . Well , stand by , If you take wrong , wee 'll cure the injurry . Enter Constable , after them Bots , after him two Beadles , one with Hempe , the other with a Beetle . Duke . Stay , stay , what 's he ? a prisoner ? Const. Yes , my Lord . Hip. He seemes a Soldier ? Bots.

I am what I seeme , Sir , one of Fortunes Bastards , a Soldier , and a Gentleman , and am brought in here with Master Constables band of Bilmen , because they face mee downe that I liue ( like those that keepe Bowling-alleyes ) by the sinnes of the people , in being a Squire of the body .

Hip. Oh , an Apple-squire . Bots.

Yes , sir , that degree of scuruy Squiers , and that I am maintained by the best part that is commonly in a woman , by the worst players of those parts , but I am knowne to all this company .

Lod.

My Lord , 't is true , we all know him , 't is Lieutenant Bots .

Duke . Bots , and where ha you serued , Bots ? Bots.

In most of your hottest Seruices in the Low-countries : at the Groyne I was wounded in this thigh , and halted vpon 't , but 't is now sound . In Cleueland I mist but little , hauing the bridge of my nose broken downe with two great stones , as I was scaling a Fort : I ha beene tryed , Sir , too , in Gelderland , and scap'd hardly there from being blown vp at a Breach : I was fired , and lay i' th Surgeons hands for 't , till the fall of the leafe following .

Hip. All this may be , and yet you no Soldier . Bots.

No Soldier , sir ? I hope these are Seruices that your proudest Commanders doe venture vpon , and neuer come off sometimes .

Duke . Well , sir , because you say you are a Soldier , I le vse you like a Gentleman : make roome there , Plant him amongst you , we shall haue anon Strange Hawkes flie here before vs : if none light on you , You shall with freedome take your flight : But if you proue a Bird of baser wing , Wee 'll vse you like such Birds , here you shall sing . Bots. I wish to be tried at no other weapon . Duke . Why , is he furnisht with those in payments ? 1. Master . The Pander is more dangerous to a State , Then is the common Thiefe , and tho our lawes Lie heauier on the Thiefe , yet that the Pander May know the Hangmans ruffe should fit him too , Therefore he 's set to beat Hempe . Duke . This does sauour Of Iustice , basest Slaues to basest labour . Now pray , set open Hell , and let vs see The Shee-Deuils that are here . Infa. Me thinkes this place Should make euen Lais honest . 1. Master . Some it turnes good , But ( as some men whose hands are once in blood , Doe in a pride spill more ) so , some going hence , Are ( by being here ) lost in more impudence : Let it not to them ( when they come ) appeare , That any one does as their Iudge sit here : But that as Gentlemen you come to see , And then perhaps their tongues will walke more free . Duke . Let them be marshall'd in : be couerd all , Fellowes , now to make the Sceane more Comicall . Car. Will not you be smelt out , Bots . Bots. No , your brauest whores haue the worst noses . Enter two of the Masters : a Constable after them , then Dorathes Target , braue , after her two Beadles , th' one with a wheele , the other with a blue Gowne . Lod. Are not you a Bride , forsooth ? Dor. Say yee ? Car. He wud know if these be not your Bridemen . Dor.

Vuh , yes , sir : and looke yee , doe you see the Bride-laces that I giue at my wedding , will serue to tye Rosemary to both your Coffins when you come from hanging-Scab !

Orl. Fie , Puncke , fie , fie , fie . Dor.

Out you stale stinking head of Garlicke , foh , at my heeles .

Orl. My head 's clouen . Hip. O , let the Gentlewoman alone , she 's going to shrift . Ast. Nay to doe penance . Car. I , I , goe Puncke , goe to the Crosse and be whipt . Dor.

Mary mew , mary muffe , mary hang you goodman Dog : whipt ? doe yee take me for a base Spittle whore ? in troth Gentlemen , you weare the cloathes of Gentlemen , but you carry not the mindes of Gentlemen , to abuse a Gentlewoman of my fashion .

Lod. Fashion ? pox a your fashions , art not a whore ? Dor. Goodman Slaue . Duke . O fie , abuse her not , let vs two talke , What mought I call your name , pray ? Cor.

I 'm not ashamed of my name , Sir , my name is Mistris Doll Target , a Westerne Gentlewoman .

Lod. Her Target against any Pike in Millan . Duke . Why is this wheele borne after her ? 1. Master . She must spinne . Dor. A coorse thred it shall be , as all threds are . Ast. If you spin , then you 'll earne money here too ? Dor.

I had rather get halfe a Crowne abroad , then ten Crownes here .

Orl. Abroad ? I thinke so . Infae. Doest thou not weepe now thou art here ? Dor.

Say yee ? weepe ? yes forsooth , as you did when you lost your Maidenhead : doe you not heare how I weep ?

Sings . Lod. Farewell Doll . Dor. Farewell Dog . Exit . Duke . Past shame : past penitence , why is that blue Gowne ? 1. Master . Being stript out of her wanton loose attire , That Garment she puts on , base to the eye , Onely to cloath her in humility . Duke . Are all the rest like this ? 1. Master . No , my good Lord . You see , this Drab swells with a wanton reyne , The next that enters has a different straine . Duke . Variety is good , let 's see the rest . Exit Master . Bots. Your Grace sees I 'm sound yet , & no Bullets hit me . Duke . Come off so , and 't is well . Omnes . Here 's the second Messe . Enter the two Masters , after them the Constable , after him Penelope Whore-hound , like a Cittizens wife , after her two Beadles , one with a blue Gowne , another with Chalke and a Mallet . Pen.

i' ha worne many a costly Gowne , but I was neuer thus guarded with blue Coats , and Beadles , and Constables , and —

Car. Alas faire Mistris , spoyle not thus your eyes . Pen.

Oh sweet sir , I feare the spoyling of other places about me that are dearer then my eyes ; if you be Gentlemen , if you be men , or euer came of a woman , pitty my case , stand to me , sticke to me , good sir , you are an old man .

Orl.

Hang not on me , I prethee , old Trees beare no such fruit .

Pen. Will you bayle me , Gentlemen ? Lod. Bayle thee , art in for debt ? Pen.

No — is my Iudge , sir , I am in for no debts , I payd my Taylor for this Gowne , the last fiue shillings a weeke that was behind , yesterday .

Duke . What is your name , I pray ? Pen.

Penelope Whore-hound , I come of the Whore-hounds . How does Lieutenant Bots .

Omnes . A ha Bots . Bots. A very honest woman , as I 'm a Soldier , a pox Bots ye . Pen.

I was neuer in this pickle before , and yet if I goe amongst Cittizens wiues , they ieere at me : if I goe among the Loose-bodied Gownes , they cry a pox on me , because I goe ciuilly attyred , and sweare their trade was a good trade , till such as I am tooke it out of their hands : good Lieutenant Bots , speake to these Captaines to bayle me .

1. Master .

Begging for bayle still ? you are a trim gossip , goe giue her the blue Gowne , set her to her chare , worke Huswife , for your bread , away .

Pen.

Out you Dog , a pox on you all , women are borne to curse thee , but I shall liue to see twenty such flat-caps shaking Dice for a penny-worth of Pippins : out , you blue-eyed Rogue .

Exit . Omnes . Ha , ha , ha . Duke . Euen now she wept , and praid , now does she curse ? 1. Master .

Seeing me : if still she had staid , this had beene worse .

Hip. Was she euer here before ? 1. Master . Fiue times at least , And thus if men come to her , haue her eyes wrung , and wept out her bayle . Omnes . Bots , you know her ? Bots. Is there any Gentleman here , that knowes not a Whore , and is he a haire the worse for that ? Duke . Is she a Citty-dame , she 's so attyred ? 1. Master . No , my good Lord , that 's onely but the vaile To her loose body , I haue seene her here In gayer Masking Suits , as seuerall Sawces Giue one Dish seuerall Tastes , so change of Habits In Whores is a bewitching Art : to day she 's all in Colours to besot Gallants , then in modest blacke , To catch the Cittizen , and this from their Examinations Drawne , now shall you see a Monster both in shape And nature quite from these , that sheds no teare , Nor yet is nice , 't is a plaine ramping Beare , Many such Whales are cast vpon this Shore . Omnes . Let 's see her . 1. Master . Then behold a swaggering Whore . Exit . Orl. Keep your grownd , Bots . Bots.

I doe but trauerse to spy aduantage how to arme my selfe .

Enter the two Masters first , after them the Constable , after them a Beadle beating a Bason , then Catyryna Bountinall , with Mistris Horsleach , after them another Beadle with a blue head guarded with yellow . Cat.

Sirra , when I cry hold your hands , hold , you Rogue-Catcher , hold : Bawd , are the French Chilblaines in your heeles , that you can come no faster ? are not you ( Bawd ) a Whores Ancient , and must not I follow my Colours ?

Hors.

O Mistris Katherine , you doe me wrong to accuse mee here as you doe , before the right Worshipfull : I am knowne for a motherly honest woman , and no Bawd .

Cat.

Mary foh , honest ? burnt at fourteene , seuen times whipt , sixe times carted , nine times duck'd , search'd by some hundred and fifty Constables , and yet you are honest ? Honest Mistris Horsleach , is this World , a World to keepe Bawds and Whores honest ? How many times hast thou giuen Gentlemen a quart of wine in a gallon pot ? how many twelue-penny Fees , nay two shillings Fees , nay , when any Embassadours ha beene here , how many halfe crowne Fees hast thou taken ? how many Carriers hast thou bribed for Country Wenches ? how often haue I rinst your lungs in Aquauitae , and yet you are honest ?

Duke . And what were you the whilest ? Cat.

Mary hang you , Master Slaue , who made you an examiner ?

Lod. Well said , belike this Deuill spares no man . Cat. What art thou prethee ? Bots. Nay what art thou prethee ? Cat. A Whore , art thou a Thiefe ? Bots.

A Thiefe , no , I defie the calling , I am a Soldier , haue borne Armes in the Field , beene in many a hot Skyrmish , yet come off sound .

Cat.

Sound with a pox to yee , yee abominable Rogue ! you a Soldier ? you in Skirmishes ? where ? amongst pottle pots in a Bawdy-house ? Looke , looke here , you Madam Wormeaten , doe not you know him ?

Hors.

Lieutenant Bots , where haue yee beene this many a day ?

Bots.

Old Bawd , doe not discredit me , seeme not to know me .

Hors.

Not to know yee , Master Bots ? as long as I haue breath , I cannot forget thy sweet face .

Duke .

Why , doe you know him ? he saies he is a Soldier .

Cat.

He a Soldier ? a Pander , a Dog that will licke vp sixe pence : doe yee heare , you Master Swines snout , how long is 't since you held the doore for me , and cried too 't agen , no body comes , yee Rogue you ?

Omnes . Ha , ha , ha , y' are smelt out agen , Bots . Bots.

Pox ruyne her nose for 't , and I be not reuenged for this — vm yee Bitch .

Lod.

D ee yee heare yee Madam ? why does your Ladiship swagger thus ? y' are very braue , me thinkes .

Cat. Not at your cost , Master Cods-head , Is any man here bleare-eyed to see me braue ? Ast. Yes , I am , Because good Cloathes vpon a Whores backe Is like faire painting vpon a rotten wall . Cat.

Mary muffe Master Whoremaster , you come vpon me with sentences .

Ber. By this light has small sence for 't . Lod. O fie , fie , doe not vex her . And yet me thinkes a creature of more scuruy conditions Should not know what a good Petticoate were . Cat. Mary come out ,

Y' are so busie about my Petticoate , you 'll creepe vp to my placket , and yee cood but attaine the honour , but and the outsides offend your Rogueships , looke o' the lining , 't is Silke .

Duke . Is 't Silke 't is lined with then ? Cat.

Silke ? I Silke , Master Slaue , you wud bee glad to wipe your nose with the skirt on 't : this 't is to come among a company of Cods-heads that know not how to vse a Gentlewoman .

Duke . Tell her the Duke is here . 1. Master . Be modest , Kata , the Duke is here . Cat.

If the Deuill were here , I care not : set forward , yee Rogues , and giue attendance according to your places , let Bawds and Whores be sad , for I le sing and the Deuill were a dying .

Exeunt . Duke . Why before her does the Bason ring ? 1. Master . It is an emblem of their reuelling , The whips we vse le ts forth their wanton blood , Making them calme , and more to calme their pride , In stead of Coaches they in Carts doe ride . Will your Grace see more of this bad Ware ? Duke . No , shut vp shop , wee 'll now breake vp the faire , Yet ere we part — you , sir , that take vpon yee The name of Soldier , that true name of worth , Which , action not vaine boasting best sets forth , To let you know how farre a Soldiers name Stands from your title , and to let you see , Soldiers must not be wrong'd where Princes be : This bee your sentence . Omnes . Defend your selfe , Bots . Duke . First , all the priuat sufferance that the house Inflicts vpon Offenders , you ( as the basest ) Shall vndergoe it double , after which You shall bee whipt , sir , round about the Citty , Then banisht from the Land . Bots. Beseech your Grace . Duke . Away with him , see it done , Panders and Whores Are Citty-plagues , which being kept aliue , Nothing that lookes like goodnes ere can thriue . Now good Orlando , what say you to your bad Sonne-in-law ? Orl.

Mary this , my Lord , he is my Sonne-in-law , and in law will I be his Father : for if law can pepper him , he shall be so parboild , that he shall stinke no more i' th nose of the Common-wealth .

Bel. Be yet more kinde and mercifull , good Father . Orl.

Doest thou beg for him , thou precious mans meat , thou ? has he not beaten thee , kickt thee , trod on thee , and doest thou fawne on him like his Spanniell ? has hee not pawnd thee to thy Petticoate , sold thee to thy smock , made yee leape at a crust , yet woodst haue me saue him ?

Bel. Oh yes , good sir , women shall learne of me , To loue their husbands in greatest misery , Then shew him pitty , or you wracke my selfe . Orl.

Haue yee eaten Pigeons that y' are so kinde-hearted to your Mate ? Nay , y' are a couple of wilde Beares , I le haue yee both baited at one stake : but as for this Knaue , the Gallowes is thy due , and the Gallowes thou shalt haue , I le haue iustice of the Duke , the Law shall haue thy life , what , doest thou hold him ? let goe his hand : if thou doest not forsake him , a Fathers euerlasting blessing fall vpon both your heads : away , goe , kisse out of my sight , play thou the Whore no more , nor thou the Thiefe agen , my house shall be thine , my meate shall be thine , and so shall my wine , but my money shall bee mine , and yet when I die , ( so thou doest not flie hie ) take all , yet good Matheo , mend .

Thus for ioy weepes Orlando , and doth end . Duke . Then heare , Matheo : all your woes are stayed By your good Father-in-law : all your Ills Are cleare purged from you by his working pills . Come Signior Candido , these greene yong wits ( We see by Circumstance ) this plot hath laid , Still to prouoke thy patience , which they finde A wall of Brasse , no Armour 's like the minde ; Thou hast taught the Citty patience , now our Court Shall be thy Spheare , where from thy good report , Rumours this truth vnto the world shal sing , A Patient man 's a Patterne for a King . Exeunt .

FINIS .