A knights coniuring Done in earnest: discouered in iest. By Thomas Dekker.

A KNIGHTS Coniuring .

CHAP. I. To enlarge Golde , there s a petition writ , The Diuell knowes not how to answer it : Hee chafes to come in print : In which mad Straine , ( Roaring ) hee hea●long runnes to Hell againe .

IN one of those mornings of the yere , wherin the Earth breathes out richer pe●fumes then those that prepare the wayes of Princes : by the wholesomnesse of whose Sent , the distempered windes ( purging their able bodies ) ran too and fro , whistling for ioye through the leaues of trees ; whilst the Nightingale sate on the branches complaining against lust ; the Sparrow cherping on the tops of houses , proude that lust ( which he loues ) was maintained there : whilst sheepe lay nibling in the valleys , to teach men hu●mility ; and goates climbing vp to the tops of barren mountaines , browzed there vpon weedes and barkes of trees , to shew the misery of Ambition : Iust at that time when Lambes were wanton as yong wiues , but not lasciuious ▪ when shepherds had care to feede their flockes , but not to fliec● them : when the Larke had with his musicke calld vp the Sun , and the Sun with his light , started vp the husband man : then , euen ●hen , when it was a morning to tempt Ioue to leap from heauen , & to goe a wenching ; or to make wenc●●s leaue their softe beds , to haue greene gownes geuen them in the fields . Behold on a sudden the caues where the most vnruly and boisterous windes lay imprisoned , were violently burst open : they being got loose ; the waters roard with feare of that insurrection , the element shot out thunder in disdayne of their threatning : the sturdiest oakes were then glad to bow & stand quiuering ; onely the haw-thorne & the bryer for their humblenes were out of danger : So dreadfull a furie lead forth this tempest , that had not the Rainebowt beene a watermarke to the world , Men would haue looked for a second Deluge : for showre came downe so ●ast , as if all clowdes had bin distild into water , & would haue hid their curled heads in the Sea , whilst the waues ( in corne to see themselues so beaten downe ) boylde vp to such height , as if they meant that all men should swarm in heauen , and shippes to sayle in the Skie . To make these terrors more heauie , the Sun pulld in his head , and durst not be seene , darknes then in ●riumph , spred her pitchie wings , and lay vpon all the earth : the blacknes of Night was doubled vpon high Noone : Beasts ( beeing not wont to beholde such sightes , ) bellowed and were mad : women ran out of their wits , children into their mothers bosomes : Men were amazed ▪ and held vp their hands to heauen , yet were verilie perswaded that heauen was consumde to nothing , because they could not see it : but to put them out of that error , Ioue threwe downe his forked dartes of lightning so thickly , that ●imple fellowes swore there could bee no more fire left in heauen : So that the world shewd as if it had bin halfe drowning , and halfe burning : the waters striuing to haue victory ouer the flames ▪ and they sweating as fast to drink dri● the waters . To conclude , this Tragedie was so long a playing , & was so dismall , the Scoene was so turbulent and was so affrighting : This battaile of Elements , bred such another Chaos , that ( not to bee ashamde to borrow the wordes of so rare an English Spirit , ) Did not GOD say Another Fiat , It had n'ere been day .

The storme beeing at rest , what buying vp of Almanacks was there to see if the weather-casters had playd the Doctors to a haire , & told this terrible disease of Nature right or no : but there could be found no such matter : the celestiall bodies for any thing St●r-ca●chers knew , were in very good health : the 12. Signes were not beaten downe from any of the houses in heauen : the Sun lookt with as cherry cheekes as euer he did : the Moone with as plump a face : It could not be found by all the figures which their Prognostications cast vp their accounts by , that any such heauy reckoning was due to the wickednes of the world : whervpon all men stood staring one in anothers face , not knowing how to turne this hard matter into good English . At length , the gun-powder was smelt out , and the trayne discouered . It was knowne for certain , that ( tho there was no pla●e lost ) there was coniuring abroad , and therefore that was the dambd diuell in the vault that digd vp all this mischiefe . But wherabouts think you , was this Coniuring ? Mary it goes for currant all ouer Powles church-yard ( and I hope there comes no lies ) that this Coniuring was about a Knight . It was not ( let me tell you ) a Knight of worship , or a Knight that goes by water , or rides by land to Westminster : but it was a Westminster-hall knight , a swearing knight , or ( not to allow him that honor , for hee is no true knight that cannot ●weare ) this was a knight forsworne , a poore knight , a periurde knight , a knight of the Po●● . This yeoman of both Counters , had long agoe bin sen● with a letter to the Diuell , but no answere could euer be heard off : so that some mad fellowes layd their heads together , & swore to fetch him from Hell with a vengeance , and for that cause kept they thi● Coniuring .

The occasion of sending the letter grew thus : the temple of the Muses ( for want of looking to ) falling to decay , & many ( that seemd to hate Bar●arisme and Ignorance ) beeing desirous to set workmen about it , and to repaire it , but hauing other buildings of their owne in hand , vtterly gaue it ouer . A Common Councell was therfore call'd of all those that liu'de by their witts , and such as were of the liuery of Learning , amongst whom , it was found necessarie , ( sithence those that had mony enough were loath to part from it , ) that to ease the priuate puise , a generall subsidy as it were , should be leuyed through all the Worlde , for the raizing of such a competent Summe as might maintaine the saide Almes-house of the Nine Systers , in good fashion , and keepe it from falling . The collectors of this money , labourde till they swet●e , but the Haruest would not come in , nothing could bee gathered . Gentlemen swore by their bloud , & by the tombs of their ancestors , they would not lay out a peny : they had nothing to doe ( they said ) with the Muses , they were meere strangers to them , and why should they be assessed to paye any thing towards the reliefe of such lazy companions ? there was no wit in it . A number of Noble men were of the same opinion . As for Lawyers , they knew there was no Statute in anie Kings time , could compell them to disburse ; & besides they were euery day purchasing themselues , so that it were folly to looke for any mony from them . Soldiers swore by their Armes ( which were most lamentablie out at elbowes ) that they would be glad of mony to bu●prouant : Peace they said , had made them begg●r and suffered them almost to starue in her streetes yet some of them went vpon lame wodden legs , because their Country might goe sound and vpright vpon their own : they ( pore wretches ) wanted Action , and yet had a number of Actions against them , yea & were ebbed so lowe , that Captens gaue ouer their charges , & were lead by Serieants , no siluer therefore could be coynde out of them . Schollers could haue found in their hearts to haue made mony of their bookes , gownes , corner caps , & bedding , to haue payde their share towards this worke of Charitie , but men held all that was theirs ( howe good soeuer , ) in such vile contempt , that not euen those who vpon a good pawne will lend money to the Diuell , ( I meane Brokers ) would to them part with any coyne , vpon any Interest , so much did they hate the poore wenches and their followers .

This matter beeing openly complainde vpon , at the Parliament of the Gods , It was there presently enacted , that Apollo ( out of whose brayne Wisemen come into the world ) shuld with all speed descend , and preuent this mischiefe : least Sacred Knowledge , hauing her Intellectuall soule banished from the earth , hauing no house to dwel in there , the earth should ( as of necessity it would ) turne into the first Chaos , and Men into Gyants , to fight againe with the Gods . Mercury likewise , for the same purpose , was forthwith sent from the whole Synode , as Embassadour to Plutus ( who is mon●ymaister of those Lowe Countreyes of Lymbo ) to ●●rswade him by all the eloquence that Hermes co●ld vse , that Gold might be suffred to haue a little more liberty : And that schollers for want of his sweete and royall company , might not be driuen to walk in thred-bare cloakes , to the dishonor of Learning ; nor goe all their life time with a lanthorne & candle to find the Philosophers stone ( out of which they are able if they could hit it , to strike such sparks of gold , that all the world should be the wa●mer for it , nay to begger the Iudges ) yet in the end to die arra●t beggers themselues . For you must vnderstand , that tho the Muses are held of no reckoning here vpon earth , but are set below the Salt , when Asses sit at the vpper ende of the table , yet are they borne of a heauenlie race , and are most welcome guests euen to the banquets of the Gods .

The diuine Singer ( Apollo ) according to the Decree of the Coelestiall vpper House , is now aliue come vpon earth : the fountaines of Science flowe ( by his influence ) & swell to the brim : Baye trees to make garlandes for Learning , are newe set , and alreadie are greene , the Muses haue fresh cullours in their cheekes ; their Temple is promised to be made more faire : there is good hope that Ignorance shall no longer weare Sattin . But for all this , Mercury with all his Coniuring , cannot raise vp the yellowe spi●it of Gold out of Hell , so perfectly as was expected : he puts vp his bright & a●ia●le face aboue ground , and shrincks it downe againe , ere one can ca●●●e him by the lockes . Which mockery the world taking note of , a mad Greeke that had drunk of the Holy water , and was full of the Diuine Furie , taking a deep bowle of the Helliconian liquor in his hands , did in a brauery write a Supplication in the behalfe of Gold for his enlargement , vowing that hee would spend all his bloud into yncke , and his braines to cotton , but he would haue an answere , and not according to the manner of Suiters , bee borne off with delayes .

The petition being ingrossed , he thought none could run faster to hell , nor be sooner let in there , then either a Pander , a Broker , or a knight of the Post , had made choise therfore of the last because of his name , & sent it by him , who belike hauing much to doe with the Diuell , could not of a long time be heard of , and for that cause was all that Coniuring , which I spoke of before .

Wherevpon ( entring into consideration , what shifts and shapes men run into , what basenes they put on , through what dangers they venture , hold much of their fames , their conscience , their liues , yea of their houses , they will laye out to purchase that piece of Heauenly earth ( Golde , ) the strange Magick of it draue me straight into a strange admiration . I perceiu'de it to be a witch-craft beyond mans power to contend with : a Torrent whose winding creekes were not with safety to be searcht out : a poyson that had a thousand contrarie workings on a thousand bodies : for it turnes those that keepe it prisoner in chests , into Slaues , and Idolaters , they make it their god and worship it ; and yet euen those that become such Slaues vnto it , doth it make soueraine commanders ouer a world of people : some for the loue of it would pluck downe heauen , others to ouertake it , runne quick to hell . But ( alas ) if a good head hammer out these Ir●ns with skill , they are not so hard : It is not so monstrous a birth to see Gol● create men so de●ormed : for this strompet the world hath tricks as wanton as these : he that euery night lyes by the sides of one fairer then Vulcans wife , hath been taken the next morning in the Sheetes of a Blackamore : Nay euen in those currants that run fullest of Ceremony , there s a flowing ouer of Apishnes and folly : for ( like Riders of great horses ) all our Courses are but Figures of 8 : the end of one giddie Circle , is but a falling into a worse , & that to which on this day we allow a religiou● obseruance , to morrowe doe we make the selfe-same thing ridiculous , For you see at the end of great Battailes wee fall to burie the dead , and at the ende of Burialls , wee sit downe to Banquets : when banquets haue beene playd about , Drinking is the next weapon ; from the fire o● drinking , flames out Quarrell ; Quarrell breakes forth into Fighting , and the streame of Fighting runn●s into Bloud .

This Forr●st of Man and beast ( the World ) beeing then so wilde , and the most perfect Circles of it , drawne so irregualler 〈◊〉 It can be no great sawcines in me , if snatching the Constables staffe out of his hand , I take vpon mee to make a busie priuy s●●rch in the Suburbs of Sathan , for the supplication-caryer , and to publish the answer to the world , that should come with him . Into the which troublesome sea , I am the more desperatly bold to lanch forth , & to hoyst vp the full sailes of my inuention , because ( as Rumor goes gossiping vp and downe ) great wagers were laide in the worlde , &c : that when the supplication was sent , it would not be receiued , or if receiued , it would not be reade ouer ; or if read ouer , it would not be answered : ●or Mammon beeing the god of no beggers , but Burgomasters & rich Cormorants , was worse thought of then he deserued : Euery man that did but passe through Pauls church-yard , & had but a glance at the title of the petition , would haue betted ten to fiue , that the Diuell would hardly , ( like a Lawyer in a busy Terme ) be spoken with , because his Client had not a penny to pay Fees , The Diuell ●he b●st fe●●er , & very apt to q●arrell . but sued in Forma pauperis .

Had it bene a Challenge , it is cleare , he would haue answered it : for hee was the first that kept a Fence schoole , when Cayn was aliue , and taught him that Embrocado , by which he kild his brother : Since which time , he hath made ten thousand Freeschollers as cunning as Cayn . At sword and buckler , little Dauy was no body to him , and as for Rapier & Dagger , the Germane may be his iourneyman . Mary the question is , in which of the Playhouses he would haue performed his Prize , if it had growne to blowes , & whether the money being gathered , hee would haue cozende the Fencers , or the Fencers him , because Hell beeing vnder euerie one of their Stages , the Players ( if they had owed him a spight ) might with a false trap-dore haue slipt him down , & there haue kept him as a laughing-stock to all their yawning Spectators . Or had his I●●er●allship ben arrested to any action how great so euer , all the Lawe in Westminster●hall could not haue kept him from appearing to it ( for the Diuell scornes to be nonsuited ) he would haue answered that too : He can se●●on● to picad for him . But the mischiefe would haue beene , where should hee haue got anie that would haue pleaded for him ? who could haue endured to see such a damnable Cliant euery morning in his chamber ? what waterman ( for double his fare ) would haue landed him at the Temple , He keepes no Watermen . but rather haue strucke in at White-Fryers , & left him there a shore with a Poxe to him ? Tush : there was no such matter , the streame hee was to enter into , was not so daungero●s , this Coyner of Light Angels knewe well enough how the Exchaunge went , he had but bare words lent vnto him , and to pay bare wordes againe ( though with some Interest ) it could be no losse .

He resolued therefore to aunswere his humble Orator : But being himselfe no● brought vp to learning ( for the Diuell can neither write not reade ) yet he has ben at all the Vniuersities in Christendom , & throwne damnable Heresies ( like bo●es for dogges to gnaw vpon , amongst the Doctors themselues : ) but hauing no skill but in his owne Horne booke , it troubled his mind where he should get a pen-man 〈…〉 fit for his tooth to scrible for him , all the Scriueners i●th towne he had at his becke , but they were so set a worke with making bonds betweene Vsurers and Vnthristy heyres , between Marcha●ts and Trades-men , ( that to couzen and vndoe others , turne Bank-rowtes themselues , and defeate Cred●●ouis ) and with drawing close conueyances betweene Land-lordes and Bawdes , that nowe sit no longer vpon the Skyrtes of the Cittie , but iette vp vp and downe , euen in the cloake of the Cittie , and giue more rent for a house , then the prowdest London occupyer of them all , that Don Lucifer was loath to take them from their Nouerints , because in the ende he knewe they were but his Factors , and that he should be a part-owner in their lading , himselfe ; Lawiers clarks were so durtied vp to the hammes , with trudging vp & downe to get pelfe , & with fishing for gudgeons , and so wrung poore ignorant Clyents purses , with exacting vnreasonable Fees , that the Paye-maister of Perdition would by no meanes take them from their wide lines , and bursten-bellyed straggling ●ffs , but stroking them vnder the chinnes , calld them his white boyes , and tolde them he would empty the ynkepot of some others .

Whether then marches Monsieur Malefico ? Mary to all the wryting Schoole-maisters of the towne , he tooke them by the fists , and lik'de their handes exceedingly ( for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands , and co●ld counterfeit any thing , but perceiuing by the copies of their countenances , that for all their good letters , they writ abominable bad English , & that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce , if there came false Orthographi● from him ( though ●here be no truth in his budget ) away hee gallops from those tell-tales ( the Schoolmaisters ) damning himselfe to the pit of Hell , if any scribling petition wryter , should euer get a good word at his hands .

I hearing this , and fearing that the poore Suppliant should loose his longing , and be sent away with Sinihilattuleris , resolued to doe that for nothing , which a number would not for any mony .

I sell to my ●ooles , ( pen , ink , and paper ) roundlie , but the Headward●n of the Horners ( Signior Beco Dia●olo ) after hee had cast vp what lay in his stomack , suspecting that I came rather as a spie to betraye him , then as a spirit to runne of his errands , and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall , there to Anatomize him , then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately , would by no meanes haue the answere go forward : Notwithstanding , hauing examined him vpon Interrogatories , and thereby sifting him to the very bran , I swore by Hellicon , ( which hee could neuer abide ) that beca●●e t' is out of fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage , be should ( spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone , ) be a Diuell in print . Inraged at which , he flu●g away in a furie , and leapt into Barathrum , whil'st I mustred all my wits about mee , to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crewe , and discouer ●is Stratagems .

CHAP. II. Don Luciser● acquaintance soone is got , At London or at Westminster : where not ? Hells Map is drawne , In which it does appeare , Where Hell does lye , and who they are , liue there .

WOnder is the daughter of Ignorance , none bu●●ooles will maruell , how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babilon came to be to familiar together , or how we met , or howe I knewe where to find him , or what Charmes I carried about mee whil'st I talkt with him , or where ( if one had occasion to vse his Diuellsh●p ) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger .

Tush , these are silly inquisitions ; his acquaintance is more cheape , then a common Fidlers ; his lodging is more knowne then an English bawdes , The Diuells Rendev●us . a midwiues , or a phisitions ; and his walkes more open to all Nations , than those vpon the Exchange , where at euery step a man is put in mind of Babell , there is such a confusion of languages . For in the Terme time , my Cauailiero Cornuto runs sweating vp & downe between Temple barre & Westminster hall , in the habite of a knight Errant , a swearing knight , or a knight of the Poste : All the Vacation you may either meet him at the Dycing Ordinaryes , like a Captaine , at Cockpits , like a young countrey Gentleman ; or else at Bowling-Alleys in a flat cap , like a shopkeeper : euery market day you may take him in Cheap ●side , poorely attyrde like an Ingrosser , and in the afternoones , in the two peny● roomes of a Play-house , like a Puny , seated Check by Iowle with a Punke : In the heate of Sommer hee commonlie turnes Intelligencer , and carries tales betweene the Arch-duke and the Graue : In the depth of Winter , hee sits tipling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garrison .

Hauing therefore ( as Chamber-maides vse to doe for their Ladies faces ouer night ) make ready my cullors , the pencell being in my hand , my Carde lined , my Needle ( that capers ouer two and thirty pointes of the Compas ) toucht to the quicke , East , West , North , and Sout● , the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde , that neuer blowe themselues out of breath , like foure dropsie Dutch Captaines standing Cent●nells in their quarters , I will ingenuously and boldely giue you the Map of a country , that lyes lower then the 17. valleys of Be●gia , yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newe castle , is farre more darke , farre more dreadfull , and fuller of knauerie , then the Colliers of those fire-workes are .

The name of this straunge Countrey is Hell , Description of Hell . In disouery of which , the Quality of the kingdom , the condition of the Prince , the estate of the people , the Traffique thither , ( marie no transporting of goods from thence ) shall be painted to the life . It is an Empire , that lyes vnder the Torria Zone , and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas , then t' is in Spaine or France ( which are counted plaguy hotte Countreyes ) at Midsommer , or in England when the Dogge-daies bite sorest : for to saie truth ( because t' is sinne to belye t'i●s● Dinell ) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vppon Stoues and Hotte-houses , you cannot set loote into it , but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you : for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers , the bone-fires that are kept there , neuer goe out ; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broyld like Carbonadoes with the sweatting sicknes , but the best is , ( or rather the worst ) none of them die on 't .

And such dangerous hot shortes are all the women there , that whosoeuer meddles with anie of them is sure to be burnt : It stands farther off then the Indies : yet to see the wonderfull power of Nauigation , if you haue but a side-winde , you may ●aile sooner thither , than a married man can vpon St ; Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen , from St: Katherins , which vpon sound experience , and ●y the opinion of many good Marriners , may be done in lesse than haife an hower . If you trauell by land to it , the wayes a●e de●icate , euen , spatious , and very faire , but toward the end● very fowle : the pathes are beaten more ba●e then the liuing ; of Church-men . Y●u neuer , turne , when you are trauelling thither , but keepe altogether on the left hand , so that you cannot lose your selfe , vnlesse you desperately doe it of purpose .

The miles are not halfe so long as those betweene Colchester & Ipswich in England , nor a quarter so durty in the wrath of Winter , as your Fren●● miles are at the fall of the leafe .

Some say , it is an Iland , embrac'de about with certaine Riuers , called the waters of Sorrowe : Others proue by infallible Demonstration , that t' is a Continent , but so little beholding to Heauen , that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them .

Howe so euer it be , this is certaine , What Persont are there that t' is exceeding rich , for all Vsurers both Iewes and Christians , after they haue made away their Soules for money here , meete with them there againe : You haue of all Trades , of all Professions , of all States some there : you haue Popes there , aswell as here : Lords there , as well as here : Knights there , as well as here : Aldermen there , as well as here : Ladies there , as well as here : Lawyers there , as wel as here : Souldiers marche there by myllions , so doe Citizens , so doe Farmers , very fewe Poets can be suffered to liue there , the Colonell of Coniurers dryues them out of his Circle , because hee feares they 'le wryte Libells against him : yet some pitti●ull fellowes ( that haue faces like fire-drakes , but wittes colde as whetstones , and more blunt ) not Poets indeed , but ballad makers , rub out there , & write Infernalls : Marrie players swarme there as they doe heere , whose occupation beeing smelt out , by the Cacodaemon , or head Officer of the Countrey , to be lucratiue , hee purposes to make vp a companie , and to be chiefe sharer himselfe , De quibus su● loc● , of whose doings you shall heare more by the next Carrier : but heere s the mischiefe , you may finde the waye thither , though you were blinder then Super stition , you may be set ashore there , for lesse then a Scullers fare : Any Vinteners boye , that has beene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeeres , any Marchant of maiden-heads , that brings commodities out of Virginia , can direct you thither : But neither they , nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-catcher of em all , can take his oath , that it lyes iust vnder such an Horizon , whereby manie are brought into a Fooles Paradice , by gladlie beleeuing that either ther 's no such place at all , or els that t' is built by Inchauntment , and stands vpon Fayrie ground , by reason such pinching and nipping is known to be there , and that how well-fauoured soeuer wee departe hence , we are turn'd to Changelings , if we tarry there but a minute .

These Territories , notwithstanding of Tartarie , will I vndermine and blowe vp to the viewe of all eyes , the blacke and dismall shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean , shal be in ken , as plainly as the white ( now vnmaidend brests of our own Iland ) China , Peru , and Cartagena , were neuer so ri●led : the winnings of Cales , was nothing to the winning of this Troy that 's all on fire : the very bowels of these Infernall Antipodes , shal be ript vp , and pull'd out , before that great Dego of Diuells his owne face : Nay , since my flag of defiance is hung forth , I will yeelde to no truce , but with such Tamburlaine-like furie , march against this great Turke , and his legions , that Don Beelzehub shall be ready to damme himselfe , and be horne-mad : for with the coniuring of my pen , all Hell shall breake loose .

Assist mee therefore , thou Genius of that ventrous , but iealous Musicion of Thrace ( Euridices husband , ) who beeing besotted on his wife , ( of which sin none but Cuckoldes should be guiltie ) went aliue ( with his Fiddle at 's backe ) to see if hee could baile her out of that Adamantine pri●on ; the fees he was to pay for her , were Iigs and countrey daunces : he paid them : the forfeits , if he put on yellow stockings , & look't back vpon her , was her euerlasting lying there , without bayle or Mayne-prize : the louing Coxcomb could not choose but looke backe , and so lost her , ( perhaps hee did it , because he would be rid of her . ) The Morall of which is , that if a man leaue his owne busines , and haue an eye to his wiues dooings , shee le giue him the slip , though she runne to the Diuell for her labour . Such a iourney ( sweet Orpheus ) am I to vndertake , but Ioue forbid my occasion shuld be like thine , for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches , he could not finde worse , ( no nor so bad ) there , as are heere vpon earth . It were pitie that any woman should be damn'd , for she would haue trickes ( once in a moone , ) to put the Diue I out of his wits . Thou ( most cleare throated singlngman , ) with thy Harpe , ( to the twinckling of which , inferior Spirits skipt like Goates ou● the Welsh mountaines ) hadst priuiledge , because tho● wert a Fiddler to be sawcy , & to passe and repass● through euery roome and into euery noo● 〈◊〉 the Diuels wine-celler : Inspire mee therefore with thy cunning that carryed thee thither , and thy courage that brought thee from thence , teache mee which way thou went'st in , and howe thou scapt'st out , guide me in true fingering , that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid'st , ( euery dinner and supper ) before that Emperor of Lowe Germanie , and the brabbling States vnder him : Lucifer himselfe danced a Lancashire Horne-pipe , whil'st thou wert there . If I can but Harpe vppon thy string , he shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin . I will call vppon no Midwiues to help me in those Throws , which ( after my braines are fallen in labour ) I must suffer , ( yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howers , ) nor vpon any coniurer , ( yet Coniurers thou know'st , are fellowe and fellow-like , with Mounsieur Malediction , as Puncks are , who raise him likewise vp continually in their Circaean Circles ) or as Brokers are , who both day and night studie the blacke Arte : No , no , ( thou Mr: of thy Musicall companie , ) I sue to none , ( but to thee , because of thy Prick-song : ) For Poetrie ( like Honestie and olde Souldiers ) goes vpon lame feete , vnlesse there be musicke in her .

But the best is , Facilis descensus Auerni , It 's but slipping downe a hill , and you shall fall into the Diuells lappe presently . And that 's the reason , ( because his Sinfulnesse is so double diligent , as to bee at your elbowe with a call , wherein he giues good examples to Drawers , if they had grace to followe his steppes ) that you swallow downe that Newes first , which should be eaten last : For you see at the beginning , the Diuell is read●e to open his mouth for an Answere , before his howre is come to be set to the Barre .

Since therefore , a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth'd News-monger like his lippes after it , no mans teeth shall water any longer , hee shall haue it ; for a very briefe Cronicle shall be gathered , of all the memorable occurrents , that presented themselues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iorney , the second part of Erra Paters Almanack , whose shooes Platoes Cap was not worthie to wipe , shall come forth , and without lying , ( as you Calendermongers vse to doe , ) tell what weather wee had all the way he went , to a drop of raine : wee will not loose him from the first minute of his iumping a ship-bo●●d , to the last of his leaping a shore , and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court ( his good Lord and Maister ) the Diuell .

CHAP. III. Hells Post through London rydes : by a mad crewe , Hee s calld into a Tauerne : In which view They drinke and raile : each of them by the Post Sends a strange message to his Fathers Ghost .

THe Post therefore , hauing put vp his packet , blowes his horne , & gallops all the way like a Citizen , so soone as euer hee 's on horseback , downe to Billingsgate , for he meant when the Tide seru'de to angle for Soules , and some other fresh fish in that goodly fish-pond the Thames , as he passed ouer it , in Grauesend-barge : that was the water-coach he would ride in , there he knewe he should meet with some voluntaries that would venture along with him : In this passage through the Citty , what a number of Lord Mayors , Aldermens , and rich Commoners sonnes & heires kept hollowing out at Tauernwindows to our knight , and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores , with their hats only ( for they had molten away all their feathers ) to haue him strike fayle , and come vp to them : he vaild , and did so : their phantastick salutations being complemented , with much intreatie ( because hee stood vppon thornes ) hee was aduaunc'd ( in regard of his Knighthood ) to the vpper end of the b●ord : you must take out your writing tables , and note by the way , that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wilde fowle , Et crimine ab vno disce omnes , cut vp one , cut vp all , they were birdes all of a beake , not a Woodcocks difference among twenty douzen of them ; euery man had before him a bale of dice , by his side a brace of Punks , & in his fist a nest of bowls . It was spring-tide sure , for all were full to the brimmes , with French beeing turn'd into English , ( for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux ) signified thus much , that dycing , drinking , and drabbing , ( like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem , ) were the ciuil plagues that very vnciuily destroied the Sonnes ( but not the sinnes ) of the Cittie .

The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks , it was hard to iudge , whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle , or lookt red with anger , one at another : but the troth is , their faces would take any dye but a blush ●colour , and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to be angry , but their wits ( like wheeles in Brunswick clocks ) being all wound vp , so farre as they could stretch , were all going , but not one going truely .

For some curst their byrth , some their bringing vp , some rayled vpon their owne Nation , others vpon Strangers . At the last , one of these Acolasti , playing at doublets with his pue-fellowe , ( which they might well doe , being almost driuen to their shyrtes , ) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore , out-draws his ponyard , and stabbing the tables , as if he meant to haue murder'd the thirty men , swore he could find in his heart to goe presently ( hauing drunk vpsy Dutch , ) & pisse euen vppon the Curmudgion his Fathers graue : for , sayes hee , no man has more vndone me , than hee that has done most for me , i le stand too 't , it 's better to be the sonne of a Cobler , then of a common councell man : if a Coblers sonne and heyre run out at heeles , the whoreson patch may mend himselfe ; but wee , whose friendes leaue vs well , are like howre-glasses turn'de vp , though wee be neuer so full , wee neuer leaue running , till wee haue emptied our selues , to make vp the mouthes of slaues , that for gayne are content to lye vnder vs , like Spaniels , fawning , and receiue what falls from our superfluity . Who ●reedes this disease , in our bones ? Whores ? No , alack let 's doe them right , Wise mothers make foolish children . t' is not their fault , but our mothers , our cockering mothers , who for their labour make vs to be calld Cockneys , or to hit it home indeed , those golden Asses our Fathers .

It is the olde Man , it is Adam , that layes a curse vppon his Posteritie : As for my Dad , t' is well knowne , hee had hippes reeling at Sea , ( the vnlading of which giues me my loade nowe , and makes me stagger on land , ) hee had ploughes to teare vp dere yeres out of the guts of the earth i' th countrey , and Yeomens sonnes , North countreymen , fellowes ( that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding ) great boyes with beards , whom he tooke to be Prentizes , ( mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free , ) and those lads like Sarieants ) tore out mens throates for him to got money in the Citie : hee was richer then Midas , but more wretched then an Alchumist : so couetous that in gardning time , because hee would not be at the cost of a loade of Earth , hee par'de not his nailes for seuen yeeres together , to the intent the durte that hee filch't vnder them , should serue for that purpose : So that they hung ouer his Fingers , like so many shooing-hornes : doe but imagine how farre euer any man ventred into hell for money , and my Father went a foote farder by the standard , and why did he this , thinke you ? he was so sparing , that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe , so that all was for mee , he cozen'd young Gentlemen of their Land , onely for mee , had acres morgag'd to him by wise-acres , for ● . hundred pounds , payde in hobby-horses , dogges , bells , and lute-strings , which if they had bene sold by the dru● , or at an out-rop , with the crye , of No man better ? would neuer haue yeelded 50. li. and this hee did only for mee , he built a Pharos , or rather a Block-house beyond the gallows at Wapping , to which the blacke fleete of Cole-carriers that came from Newcastle , strooke faile , were brought a bed , and discharg'de their great bellies there , like whores in hugger-mugger , at the common price , with twelue pence in a chauldern ouer & aboue , thereby to make the common wealth blowe her nayles till they ak'de for colde , vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire , onely for mee : the poore curst him with bell , booke and candle , till he lookt blacker with their execration , Miserable fathers make wretched sonnes . them if he had bin blasted , but he car'de not what dogges bark't at him , so long as they bit not me : his hous-keeping was worse then an Irish Kernes , a Rat could not commit a Rape vpon the paring of a moldy cheese , but he died for 't , only for mysake , the leane lade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himselfe , though he had eaten stincking fresh herring able to poyson a dog , onely for me , because his son & heire should drink egges and muskadine , when he lay rotting .

To conclude , hee made no conscience , to run quick to the Diuel of an errand , so I had sent him . Might not my father haue beene begg'd ( thinke you ) better than a number of scuruy things that are begd ? I am perswaded , fooles would be a rich Monopolie , if a wise man had em in hand : would they had begunne with him , I le be sworne , he was a fat one : for had he fild my pockets with siluer , and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer , I might haue beene cald vpon by this , wheras now I am ready to giue vp my cloake : Had he set me to Gr●ner-schoo●e , as I set my selfe to dancing schoole , in stead of treading Carontoes , & making Fidlers fat with rumps of capons , I had by this time read Homilyes , and fed vpon Tith-pigs of my owne v●caridge , whereas now , I am ready to get into the Pr●digals seruice , and cat loues nuts , that 's to say , Acorns with swine : But men that are wisest for officers , are commonly arrand woodcocks , for Fathers : He that prouides liuing for his child , and robs him of learning , turnes him into a Beetle , that flies from perfumes and sweet Odours , to feed on a cow-sheard ; all such rich mens darlings are either christened by some left-handed Priest , or els born vnder a threepeny Planet , and then they 'le neuer be worth a groat , though they were left Landlords of the Indies . I confesse , when all my golden veines were shrunk vp , & the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling , I could for all that haue bin dub'd : But when I saw how mine vncle plaid at chesse , I had no stomack to be knighted . Why , sayes the Post ? Mary quoth he , because when I prepar'd to fight a battaile on the Chesse-board , a Knight was alwaies better then a Pawne : but the Vsurer mine vncle made it playne , that a good pa●ne nowe was better then a Knight .

At this the whole Chorus , summos mouere Cachinnos , laught till they grind agen , and call'd for a fresh gallon , all of them falling on their knees , & drawing out siluer & guilt rapiers , the onely monuments that were left of hundreds & thousands in Pecunijs numeratis . swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes , to their howling Fathers , so they might be sure the pledging should choake them , because they brought them into the Inne of the World , but left them not enough to pay their ryotous reckonings , at their going out .

The knight was glad he should carry such welcome newes with him , as these , to the clouen-footed Synagogue , & tickled with immoderate ioye , to see the world runne vpon such rotten wheeles . Whervpon pleading the necessity of his departure , he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees , & then with a French Basilez , slipt our of their company .

But they knowing to what cape he was bound , bung vpon him , like so many beggers on an Almoner , importing , and coniuring him , by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood , and Armes , and by his oath , to take vp doun-cast Ladies , whom they had there in their companyes , and whom they were bound in Nature & humanity to relieue : that hee wold signi●y to their fathershow course the threed of life fell out to be nowe towards the Fagge en●e : therfore , if any of them had ( inth'daies of 〈◊〉 abomination , and idolatry to money ) bound the spirit of gold , by any charmes , in Caues , or in iron setters vnder the ground , they should for their own soules quiet , ( which questionlesse els would whine vp & down ) if not for the good of their children , release it , to set vp their decay'd estates . Or if ther had bin no such coniuring in their life times , that they wold take vp money of the Diuel ( thogh they forfeyted their bondes , and lay by it for euer , or els get leaue with a keeper , to trie how much they might be trusted for among their olde customers vppon earth , thogh within two dayes after , they proued Bankrupts by Proclamation . The Post-maister of Hell plainly told them , that if any so seditious a fellow as Golge , were cast in prison : their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom'd : because ther 's more greedines among them below , then can be in the Hyeland-countreys aboue : so that if all the Lordships in Europ were ofsfred in Morgage for a quarter their value , not so much as 13. pence half penie can be had from thence , though a man would hang himselfe for it : And as for their Fathers walking abroad with keepers , alas they lye there vpon such heauy Ex●cutions , that they cannot get out for their soules . Hee counsells them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer , for that those markes stand out of their reache , the ground of which counsell , they all vow to trauerse : Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baits , to catch old ▪ ( but fleshly ) wealthy widdowes , the fire of which Sophysticated loue , they make account shal not go out , so long as any drops of gold can be distilld from them : Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of W●re , though such kinde of Theeuery be more stale then Seabeefe : the rest that haue not the hearts to shead bloud , hauing reasonable stockes of wit , meanes to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbs , though the Poxelyes there as deaths Legyer : For since● Man is the clocke of Time , they 'le all be Tymes Sextens , and set the Dyall to what howres they list .

Our Vaunt' currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues , and offred to pay some of the Tauern Items : but they protesting he should not spend a Baw-bee , as hee was true knight consedere Duces , they sate downe to their Wine , and he hasted to the water .

CHAP. IIII. Hells Post lands at Graues-end : see 's Dunkirk , France , And Spayne : then vp to Venice does aduance : At last hee comes to the Banck-side of Hell : Of Charon and his boate , strange newes doth tell .

BY this time is he landed at Grauesend , ( for they whom the Diuell dryues , feele no Lead at their heeles , ) what stuffe came along with him in the Barge , was so base in the weauing , that t' is too bad to be set out to sale : It was onely Luggadge , therefore throwe it ouerboord . From thence hoysting vp saile into the Maine , he struck in among the Dunkerks , where hee encountred such a number of all Nations , with the dregs of all Kingdomes , vices dropping vpon them , and so like the Blacke-Gentleman his Maister , that hee had almost thought himselfe at home , so neere do those that lye in Garrison there , resemble the Desperuatoes that fill vp Plut●es Muster-booke : But his head beating on a thousand Anuiles , the scolding of the Cannon drew him speedily from thence : So that creeping vp along by the ranke Flemmish shores ( like an Eues dropper ) to whisper out what the brabbling was , he onely set downe a note for his memorie , that the States sucking Poyson out of the sweete flowers of Peace , but keeping their coffers sound and healthfull by the bitter Pills of Warre , made their coun●rey a pointing stocke to other Nations , and a miserable Anatomie to themselues .

The next place he call'd in at , Fashions borne in France , and sent to be nurst in England . was France , where the Gentlemen , to make Apes of Englishmen , whom they tooke daylie practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Mounsieur-ships , with yards in steede of Leading Staues , mustred all the French Taylors together , who , by reason they had thin haire , wore thimbles on their heads , in stead of I 〈◊〉 caps , euery man being armed with his 〈…〉 Iron , which he call's there his goose ( 〈◊〉 ▪ of them beeing in France : All the crosse-capere●s b●●ing plac'd in strong rankes , and an excellent o●ation cut out and stitch't together , perswading them to sweat out their braines , in deuising new cuts , newe french collers , new french cod-peec●s , and newe french panes in honour of Saint Dennys , only to make the gydd●-pated Englishman consume his reuenewes , in wearing the like cloathes , which on his backe at the least , can shew but like cast sutes , beeing the second edition , whil'st the poore French peasant iets vp & down , ( like a Pantaloun ) in the olde theed-bare claoke of the Englishman , so that we● buy fashions of them to feather our pride , and they borrowe rags from vs to couer their beggery . Pryde the Spanyards bastard , kephere . The Spanyard was so busy in touching heauen with a launce , that our Knight of the burning shield , could not get him at so much leysure , as to eat a dish of Pilchers with him . The gulfe of Venice hee purposes shall therfore swallowe a fewe howres of his obseruation , where hee no sooner sets sooting on shore , but he encounters with Lust , so ciuilly suted , as if it had bene a Marchants wife : Lust the Italians mistris , is now common with the E●glishman . Whore-mongers there , may●vtter their commodities as lawfullie as Costermongers here , they are a ●ompany as free , and haue as large priuiledges for what they doe , as any of the twelue Companyes in London . In other Countreys Lecherie is but a Chamber-mayde : Here , a great Lady : Shee 's a retaylor , and has warrant to sell soules , and other small wares , vnder the Seale of the Cittie : Damnation ha's a price set vpon it , and dares goe to Lawe for her owne : For a Curtizans action of the Case , will hold aswell as a Vsurers plea of debt , for ten i' th hundred . If Bride-well stood in Venice , a golden key ( more easilie then a picklocke ) would open all the doores of it : For Lechery heere lyes night and day with one of Prides daughters ( Liberty ) and so farre is the infection of this Pestilence spredde , that euery boye there has much harlot in his eyes : Religion goes all in changeable silkes , and weares as manie maskes as she do'es colours : Churches stand like Rocks , to which very fewe approach , for feare of ship-wrack .

The seuen deadly sinnes , are there in as great authoritie , Dronkenues hath 〈◊〉 a from the Low countries into great Brittaine . as the seuen Electors in Germeny , and women in greater then both : In so much as drunkennesse , which was once the Dutch-mans head-ake , is now become the Englishmans : so ielouzy , that at first was whipt out of Hell , because the tormented euen Diuels , lies now euery howre in the Venetians bosom : Euery Noble man grows there like a Beeche tree , for a number of beasts couche vnder his shade : euery Gentleman aspires rather to be counted great then good , weighing out good works by pounds , & good deeds by drams : their promises are Eeues , their performances hollidayes , for they worke hard vpon the one , and are idle on the other . Three thinges there are dog-cheap , learning , poore mens sweat , and oathes : Farmers in that countrey are pe●●ie Tyrants , and Landlords Tyrants ouer those Farmers , Epicu●es grow as fat there , as in England , for you shall haue a slaue eat more at a meale , than ten of the Guard , & drink more in two daies , then all Maning-tree does at a Whitsun-ale . Our Rank●yder of the Stygian borders seeing how well these Pupils profited vnder their Italian School-master , and that all countreyes liu'de obedient to the Luciferan ●awes , resolu'd to change Post-horse no more , but to conclude his Peregrina●ion , hauing seene fashions , and gotten Table-talke enough by his trauell . In a few minutes therefore is hee come to the banck-side of Acheron , where you are not bayted at by whole kennels of yelping watermen , as you are at Westminster-bridge , and ready to be torne in peeces to haue two pence rowed out of your purse : no , Shipwrights there could hardlie liue , there 's but one boate , and in that one Charon is the onely Ferry-man , so that if a Cales Knight should bawle his heart out , hee cannot get a paire of oares there , to doe him grace with ( I ply'de your Worship first , ) but must be glad to goe with a Sculler : By which meanes , though the fare be small ( for the watermans wages was at first but a half-peny , then it came to a peny , t' is now mended , and is growne to three hal●e pence , for all thinges wax deere in Hell , as well as vpon earth , by reason t' is so populous , ) yet the gaynes of it are greater in a quarter , then ten Westerne Buges get in a yeere : Dotchet Ferry comes nothing neere it .

It is for all the world , like Graues-end Barge : and the passengers priuiledged alike , for there 's no regard of age , of sexe , of beauty , of riches , of valor , of learning , of greatnes , or of birth : Hee that comes in first , sits no better then the last .

Will Sommers giues not Richard the third the cushions , the Duke of Guyze & the Duke of Shoreditche haue not the bradth of a benche betweene them , Iane Shore and a Gold-smiths wife are no better one then another .

Kings and Clownes , Mors Scep●●● , Legioni●●● aquat . Souldiers and Cowards , Church-men and Sextons , Aldermen and Coblers , are all one to Charon : For his Naulum , Lucke ( the old Recorders foole ) shall haue as much mat , as Syr Launcelot of the Lake : He knowes , though they had an oar in euery mans Boat in World , The Waterman of Hell , is , as Churlish a knaue , as our Waterman . yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a stretcher : And therefore ( though hee sayles continuall with wind and Tyde , ( he makes the prowdest of them all to stay his leasure . It was a Comedy , to see what a crowding ( as if it had bene at a newe Play , ) there was vpon the Acheronticque Strond , ( so that the Poste was faine to ●arry his turne , because he could not get neere enough the shore : He purpos'd therefore patiently to walke vp and downe , til the Coast was cleare , and to note the condition of all the passengers . Amongst whom there were Courty●●s , The Passengers . that brought with em whole Truncks of apparell , which they had bought , and large pattents for Monopolies which they had beg'd : Lawyers laden with leases , & with purchas'd Lordships , Churchmen so pursy & so windlesse with bearing three or four Church li●ings , that they could scarce speake : Marchants laden with baggs of golde , for which they had rob'd their Princes Custom : Schollers with Aristotle and Ramus in cloake-bags , ( as if they ment to pull down the Diuel ) in disputation , being the subtillest Logician , but full of Sophistrie : Captains , some in guilt armour ( vnbat●red , ) some in buffe Ie●kens , plated o're with massy siluer lace , ( raiz'd out of the ashes of dead pay , ) & banckrupt citizens , in swarms like porters , sweating basely vnder the burdens of that , for which other men had sweat honestly before . All which ( like Burgers in a Netherland towne taken by Freebo●ters , ) were compelld to throwe downe bag and baggage , before they could haue pasporte to be shipt into the F●emmish Hoye of Hell : For if euery man should be sufferd to carry with him out of the world , that which he took most delight in , it were enough to drown him , and to cast awaye the Vessell hee goes in : Charon therefore strippes them of all , and leaues them more bare then Irish beggers : And glad they were ( for all their howling to see themselues so fleec'd , ) that for their siluer they could haue wa●tage ouer . In therefore they thrung , some wading vp to the knees , and those were young men : they were loth to make too much haste , swearing they came thither before their times .

Some , vp to the middles , & those were women , they seeing young men goe before them , were asham'd not to venture farder than they . Others waded to the chin , & those were old men , they seeing their gold taken from them , were desperate , and would haue drown'd themselues ; but that Charon slipping his Oare vnder their bellies , tost them out of the water , into his Wherry . The boate is made of nothing but the wormeaten ribs of coffins , The stuffe of which the Wherry is made . nailed together , with the splinters of fle●hlesse shin-bones , dig'd out of graues , being broken in pieces . The sculs that he rowes with , are made of Setxons spades , which had bin hung vp at the end of some great plague , the bench he sits vpon , a rank of dead mens sculs . The worst of them hauing bin an Emperor , as great as Charlemaine : And a huge heape of their beards seruing for his cushion : the Mast of the hoat is an arme of an Yew tree , whose boughs ( in stead of Rosemary ) had wont to be worne at burials ? The sayle , two patcht winding sheetes , wherin a Broker & an Vsurer had bin laid : for their linnen , will last longest , because it comes commonly out of Lauender , and is seldome worne .

The waterman himselfe is an olde grisly-fac'd fellow : a beard filthier then a Bakers mawkin that hee sweepes his ouen , What manner of fellow the sculler is . which hung ●ull of knotted Elf-locks , and serues him for a Swabber in fowle weather to clense his Hulk : A payre of eyes staring so wide ( by beeing blear'd with the wind ) as if the lidds were lifted vp with gags to keep them open : More salt Rew maticke water runnes out of them , then would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth : A payre of handes so hard and scal'd ouer with durte , that Passengers thinke hee wea●es Gauntlets , and more stinkingly musty are they then the fists of Night-men , or the fingers of bryb●rie , which are neuer cleane : His breath belches out nothing but rotten damps , which lye so thicke and foggie on the face of the Waters , that his Fare is halfe choak't , ere they can get to Land : The Sea-coale furnaces of ten Brew-houses , make not such a smoke , nor the Tallowe pans of fifteene Chaundlers ( when they melt , ) send out such a smell ; Hee 's dreadfull in looks , and currish in language , yet as kinde as a Courtyer where he tak●s . Hee ●its in all stormes bare headed , His appar●●● . for if hee had a cap , he would not put if off to a Pope : A gowne gyrt to him ( made all of Wolues skinnes ) tanned , ( figuring his greedynesse ) but worne out so long , that it has almost worne away his elbowes : Hee 's thicke of hearing to them that sue to him , but to those against whose willes hee 's sent for , a Fiddler ●eares not the crecking of a windowe sooner .

As touching the Riuer , looke howe ' Mooreditche shewes , when the water is three-quarters out , and by reason the stomack of it is ouer-laden , is readie to fall to casting , so does that , it stincks almost worse , is almost as poysonous , altogether so muddie , altogether so blacke : In taste very bitter , ( yet to those that knowe howe to distill these deadly waters , ) very wholesome .

CHAP. V. The Post and Charon talke , as Charon rowes , He Fee's Helis Porter , an● then on hee goes : Sessions in Hell : Soules brought vnto the barre , Arraign'd and iudg'd , A Catalogue who they are .

CHaron , hauing discharged his ●raight , the Packet carryer ( that all this while wayted on the other side , ) cry'de A boat , a boat : His voyce was knowne by the Tune , and ( weary though hee were , ) ouer to him comes our Ferry-man . To whom ( ●o soone as euer euer hee was let ( Charon complaines what a bawling there has beene , with what Fares hee has bene posted , and how much tugging ( his boat being so twack● ) he has split one of his Oares , and broken his Bid●ook , so that he can row but lazily til it be mended .

And were it not that the Soules p●yes excessiue Rent for dwelling in the body , he sweares ( by the Stygian Lake ) hee would not let em passe thus for a trifle , but raise his price : why may not he doe it as well as Puncks and Trades men ? Here vpo'n hee brags what a number of gallant fellows & goodly wenches went lately ouer with him , whose names he has in his booke , and could giue him , but that they earnes●lie intreated not to haue their names spr●d any farther ( for their heyres sakes , because most of them were too great in some mens books already . The only wonder ( says Charon ) that these Passengers driue mee inio , is , to see how strangely the wo●ld is altred since Pluto and Proserpina were married : For whereas in the olde time , men had wo●t to come into his boate all slash't , ( some with one arme , some with neuer a leg , Miscent Aconita M●uercae . Filius ante diem patris inquirit in anno . and others with heades like calues , cleft to their shoulders , and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide , as if they were crying , A boat , a boat , ) now contrarywise , his fares are none but those that are poyson'd by their wiues for lust , or by their heires ●or liuing , or burnt by Whor●s , or reeling into Hell out of Tauerns : or if they happen to come bleeding , their greatest glorie is a stab , vpon the giuing of a lye .

So that if the 3. Destinies spin no finer threds then these , men must eyther ( like Aesculapius ) be made immortall for meere pittie sake , and be sent vp to Iupiter , or else the Land of Black-amoores must bee made bigger : for the Great Lord of Tartarie wil shortlie haue no roome for all his Retayners , which would be a great dishonour to him , considering hee 's now the onely hous-keeper .

By this time , Charon looking before him ( as Watermen vse to doe ) that 's to say , behinde him , spied he was hard at shoare : wherevppon seeing hee had such dooings ( that if it held still ) hee must needs take a seruant , ( and so make a paire of oares for Pluto ) he offered great wages to the Knight passant , to be his iourney-man : but hee being onely for the Diuells land seruice , told him he could not giue ouer his seruice , but assuring him , hee would enforme his Mr : ( the King of Erebus , ) of all that was spoken , hee payde the boate hyre fitting his Knighthood , leapt ashore , and so parted .

The wayes are so plaine , and our trauellers on foote so famyliar with them , that hee came sooner to the Court gate of Auernus , then his fellowe ( the Wherry-man ) could fasten his hooke on the other side of Acheron : the Porrer ( though he knew him well enough , and fawn'd vppon him , ) would not let him passe , The Porter of Hell . rill hee had his due : for euery officer there is as greedy of his Fees , as they are here . You mistake , if you imagine that Plutoes Potter is like one of those big fellowes that stand like Gyants at Lordes gates ( hauing bellyes bumbasted with ale in Lambs-wool ) and with Sacks : and checks strutting out ( like two footeballes , ) beeing blowen vp with powder beefe and brewis : yet hee 's as surly as those Key-turners are , but lookes as little more scuruily : No , no , this doore keeper waytes not to take money of those that passe in , to beholde the Infernall Traged●es , neither has he a lodge to dyne and sup in , but on●ly a kennell , and executes ●●s bawling ●ffice meerely for victuals : his name is Cerberus , but the household call him more properly , The Black dog of Hell : He has three heads , but no hayre vpon them , ( the place is too hot to keepe hayre on ) for in stead of hayre they are all rurl'd ouer with snakes , which reach from the crownes of his three he ads alongst the ridge of his back to his very tayle , and that s wreathed like a dragons taile : twentie couple of hounds make not such a damnable noyse , when they howle , as he does when he barks : his propertie is to wag his taile , when any comes for enterance to the gate , and to licke their hands , but vpon the least offer to scape out , he leaps at their throates ; sure hee 's a mad dog , for wheresoeuer he bites , it rankles to the death : His eyes are euer watching , his ear●s euer listning , his pawes euer catc●ing , his mouthes are gaping : Insomuch , that day and night , he lyes howling to be sent to Paris Gara●n , rather then to be vs'de so like a curre as he is .

The Post , to stop his throat , threwe him a Sop , Bribes in Hell . and whil'st hee was deuouring of that , hee passed through the gates . No sooner was he entred , but he met with thousands of miserable soules , pyneond and dragd in chaines to the Barre , where they were to receiue their tryall , with bitter lamentations bewayling ( all the way as they went ) and with lowd ex●crations cursing the bodies with whom they sometimes frolickly kept company , for leading them to those impieties , for which they must now ( euen to their vtter vndoing ) deerly answer : it was quarter Sessions in Hel , & though the Post-master had bin at many of their arraignments , and knew the horrour of the Executions , yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement .

On not withstanding he goes with intent to deliuer the Supplication , but so busy was Bohomoth ( the prince of the Diuels ) and such a prease was within the Court , and about the Barre , that by nò thrusting o● shouldring , could hee get accesse ; the best time for him must be , to watch his rising at the adiourning of the Sessions , and therefore hee skrewes himselfe by all the insinuating Art he can , into the thickest of the crowd , and within reach of the Clarke of the Peaces voyce , tò heare all their inditements .

The Iudges are set , Sessions in Hell . ( being three in number ) seuere in look , sharp in iustice , shrill in voyce , vnsubiect passion ; the prisoners are souls that haue committed treason against their creation : they are cald to the bar , Sinne is th● Iury. . their number in finit , their crimes numberlesse : The Iury ●hat must passe vpon them , are their sinnes , who are impanel'd out of the s●uerall countries , Conscience giues in euidence . & are sworn to find whose Conscience is the witnes , who vpon the booke of their liues , where all their deedes are written , giues in dangerous euidence against them , the Furies ( who stand at the elbow of their Conscience ) are there ready with stripes to make them confesse , for eyther they are the Beadels of Hell that whippe soules in Lucifers Bride-well , or else his Executioners to put them to worse torments : The Inditements are of seuerall qualities , according to the seuerall offences ; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court ; The seuerall inditements . Some for corruption in the church ; Some for crueltie in the campe ; Some for hollow-hartednes in the Citie ; Some for eating men aliue in the Countrey , euery particular soule has a particular sinne , at his heeles to condemne him , so that to pleade not guiltie , were iolly : to beg for mercy , madnesse : for if any should doe the one , hee can put himselfe vpon none but the diuel and his Angels : and they ( to make quick worke ) giue him his Pasport . If do the other , the hands of ten kings vnder their great Seales will not be taken for his pardon . For though Conscience comes to this court , poore in attire , diseased in his flesh , wretched in his face , heauy in his gate , and hoarse in his voice , yet carries hee such stings within him , to torture himselfe , if he speake not truth , that euery word is a Iudges sentence , & when he has spoken , the accursed is suffred neither to plead for himselfe , nor to see any Lawier , to argue for him .

In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the vnhappie pris●n●r , The miserie of a prisoner in that Iury. . his Inditemnt is impleadable , his euidence●irre●utable , the fact impardonable , the Iudge impenitrable , the Iudgement formidable : the torments insufferable , the manner of them invtterable : he must endure a death without dying , Tormentes ending with worse beginnings , by his shrikes others shall be affrighted , himselfe afflicted , by thousands pointed at , by not one amongst milions pitied , hee shall see no good that may help him , what he most does loue , shall be taken from him , and what hee most doth loath , shal be powred into his bosome . Adde herevnto the faide cogitation of that dismall place , to which he is condemned , the remembrance of which is almost as dolorous , as the punishments there to be endured . In what colours shall I lay downe the true shape of it ? Assist my inuention .

Suppose that being gloriously attired , deliciously feasted , attended on maiestically , Musicke charming thine eare , beautie thine eye ; and that in the very height of al worldly pompe that thought can aspire to , thou shouldest be tumbled downe , from some high goodly pinnacle ( builded for thy pleasure ) into the bottome of a Lake , whose depth is immeasurable , & circuit incomprehensible : And that being there , thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about , with all the murtherers that euer haue bin since the first foundation of the world , with all the Atheists , al the church-robbers , al the Incestuous Rauishers , & all the polluted villaines , that euer suckt damnation from the breastes of black impietie , that the place it selfe is gloomy , hideous , and in accessible , pestilent by dampes , and rotten vapors , haunted with spirits , and pitcht all ouer , with cloudes of darkenes , so clammy & palpable , that the eye of the Moone is too dull to pierce through them , and the fires of the Sun too weake to dissolue them , then that a Sulphurous stench must stil strike vp into thy nosthrils , Adders and Toads be still crawling on thy bosome , Mandrakes & night Rauens still shriking in thine eares , Snakes euer sucking at thy breath , and which way soeuer thou turnest , a fire flashing in thine ●ies , yet yeelding no more light than what with a glimse may shew others how thou art tormented , or else shew vnto thee the tortures of others , and yet the flames to be so deuouring in the burning , that should they but glowe vpon Mountaines of Iron , they were able to melte them like Mountaines of Snow . And last of all , that all these horrors are not wouen together , to last for yeeres , but for ages of worlds , yea for worlds of ages ; Into what gulfe of desperate calamity , would not the poorest begger now rhrowe himselfe head-long : rather then to tast the least dram of this bitternes : If imagination can giue being to a more miserable place then this described ? Such a one , or no worse then such a one , is that , into which the guiltie Soules are led captiue , after they haue this condemnation .

And what tongue is able to relate the grones and vlulations of a wretch so distressed , a hundred pennes of steele would be worne blunt in the description , and yet leaue it vnfinished .

CHAP. V. The Writ for Gold senlargement now is read , And by the Prince of Darkenes answered : The Diuell abroad his commendations sends : All Traitors are his Sonnes , Brokers his friends .

LEt vs therfore sithence the Infernall Sessions are rejourned , & the Court breaking vp , seeke out his knightship , who hauing wayted all this while for the Diuell , hath by this time deliuer●d to his paws the S●pplication , about Golde , & so Matuolio his Secr●tary is reading it to him , but before he was vp to the middle of it , the work-maister of Witches , snatched away the Paper , & thrust it into his bosome in great choller , rayling at his Letter carryer , and thr●atning to haue him la'sh● by the Furies , for his l●ytring so long , or Cauteriz'de with hotte Irons for a Fugitu● . But Mephostophiles discoursing from point to point , what pai●es hee had taken in the Su●uey 〈◊〉 ●uery Countrey , and how hee had 〈…〉 Serjeant Sathan gaue him his bles●ing , and told him that during his absence , the Wryler that penn'd the Supplication had ben landed 〈◊〉 Charon , of whom he willed to enquire within what pa●t of their domini●n hee had taken vp his 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉 to answere euery worde by word of mouth , yet because he knowes , tha● at the returne of his Post● ship , and walking vpon the Exchange of the Worlde , ( which he charges him to hasten , for the good of the Stygian kingdome , that altogether stands vpon quicke tafficque they will flutter about him , crying , What newes ? what newes ? what squibs , or ra●ther what peeces of ordinance doth the McGunner of Gehenna discharge against so sawcie a suitor , that by the Artill●rie of his Secretaries penne , hath shaken the walles of his Kingdome , and made so wide a breache , that anie Syr Giles may looke into his , and his Officers dooings : to stop th●u mouthes with some thing , stop them with this : That touching the enlargement of Gold : ( which is the first branch of the Petition : ) So it is , The Diuells answere to the Petition . that Plutus his kinsman ( being the onely setter vp of tempting Idolles , ) was borne a Cripple , but had his eye sight as faire as the daye , for hee could see the faces & fashions of all men in the world in a twinkling . At which time , for all he went vpon Crutches , hee made shifte o walke abroad with many of his friends , Marrie they were none but good men . A Poet , or a Philosopher , might then haue sooner had his company , than a Iustice of Peace : Gold at the first was lame and went vp & down with goodmen , but now hee is blinde , and cares not what foole leades him . Vertue at that time , went in good cloaths , & vice fed vpon beggery . Al●hes baskets , honestie , and plaine dealing , had all the Trades in their owne handes , So that Vnthrifts , Cheaters , and the rest of their Faction , ( though it were the greater ) were borne downe , for not an Angell durst bee seene to drink in a Tauerne with them : wherevpon they were all in danger to be famisht : Which enormity Iupiter wisely looking into , and seeing Plutus dispersing his giftes , amongst none but his honest brethren , strucke him ( either in anger or enuie ) starke blinde , so that euer since hee hath play'de the good fellowe , for now euery gull may leade him vp and downe ●ike Guy , to make sports in any drunken assemblie , now hee regards not who thrusts his handes into his pockets , nor how it is spent ; a foole shall haue his heart nowe , assoone as a Physition : And an Asse that cannot spell , goe laden away with double Ducke●rs from his Indian store-house , when Ibis Homere , that hath layne sick seuenteene yeeres together of the Vniue●sitie plague , ( watching and want ) only in hope at the last to finde some cure , shall not for an hundred waight of good Latine , receiue a two penny waight in Siluer , his ignorance ( arising from his blindenes ) is the onely cause of this Comedie of errors : so that vntill some Quack-saluer or other ( either by the help of Tower hill water , or any other , either Physicall or Chirurgicall meanes ) can picke out that pin and webbe which is stucke into both his eyes , ( and that will very hardly be . ) It is irreuocably set downe , in the Adamantine booke of Fate , that Golde shall be a perpetuall slaue to slaues , a drudge to fooles , a foole to make Woodcocks mery , whil'st wisemen mourne : or if at any time he chance to break prison , and flie for refuge into the Chamber of a Courtier , to a meere hawking countrey Gentleman , A Curse laid vpon gold . to a young student at the lawe , or to any Trades-mans eldest sonne , that rides forth to cast vp his Fathers reckonings , in fortified Tauerns , Such mighty searche shal be made for him , such Hue & Crie after him , such mis-rule kept , vntill he be smelt our , that poore Gold must be glad to get him out of their companie , Castles cannot protect him , but he must be apprehended , and suffer for it . Nowe as touching the seauen leaued Tree , of the deadly sinnes , which in the Supplication are likewise requested to be heawen downe , his Suite is vnreasonable , for that growes so rancke in euery mans garden , and the flowers of it worne so much in euery womans bosome , till at the last generall Autumnian quarter of the dreadfull yeare , when whole Kingdomes ( like seare and sap-lesse Sinne beares from all the yeare long . leaues ) must be shaken in pic●es by the consuming breath of fire , & all the fruits of the earth he raked together , by the Spirit of Stormes , & burnt in one heap like stubble , till then , it is impossible to cleere the oaken forehead of it , or to loppe off any of the branches . And let this satisfy itching Newes-hunters , for so much of mine answere to the poore fellowes Supplication , as I meane to haue publisht to the world : Whatmore I haue to vtter , shall be in his care , because he was more busie in his prating then a Barber , with thee my Seruaunt , about my houshold affaires , and therfore it is to be doubted hee lu●kes in our C●merian Prouinces , but as an Intelligencer , which if 〈◊〉 prooued , hee shall buy it with his soule : Dispa●●lre therefore ( my ●aithfull Incarnate D●uell , ) proclaime these thinges to the next Region aboue vs .

Goe and deliuer my most harty condemnations to all those that steal subiects hearts from their Soueraigns , The Diuell sendes his c●mendations . say to all those , they shall haue my letters of Mart for their Pyracie : factious Guyzards , that lay trains of sedition to blowvp the common wealth , I hug them as my children , to all those churchmen that bind themselues together in schismes , like bundles of thorns , only to prick the sides of Religion , till her heart bleede ; I will giue them new orders . To all those that vntyle their Neighbours houses , that whil'st storms are beating them our , they themselues may enter in , bestowe vpon such officers of mine , a thousand condemnations from their maister , tho they be sitting at King Arthurs Table : When thou doest thy message , they shall haue Te●ements of me for nothing in Hell .

In briefe , tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane , Houns-ditch , or else wher , with all the rest of their Colleagued Suburbians , that deale vppon ouerworne commodities , and whose Soules are to vs impawned , that they lye safe enough , and that no cheater can hook them out of our hands , bid them sweate and sweare in their vocation ( as they do● hourely ) if thou beeing a knight of the Post , canst not helpe them to oathes , that may make them get the Diuell and all , they haue a sound Carde on their sides , for I my selfe will Abi in malam , go● and minde thy businesse .

CHAP. VII . A Vsurer describ'de : his going downe to Hell : The Post to him a strange at scourse doth tell : Hee teaches him the waye , and doeth discouer What Riuers the departed Soules goe ouer .

HIs warrant beeing thus signde , The picture of a Vsurer . the messenger departs , but before hee could get to the vttermost Ferrie , he met with an old , leane , meagre fellowe , whose eyes was sunke so deepe into his head , as if they had beene set in backward , his haire was thinner then his cheekes , and his cheekes so much worne away , that when he spake , his tongue smoak't , and that was burn't blacke , with his hore and valiant breath , was seene to mooue too and fro so plainely , that a wise man might haue taken it for the Snuffe of a ca●dle in a Muscouie Lant-horne , the Barber Surgions had beg'd the body of a man at a Sessions , to make an Anatomie , and that Anatomy this wretched creature begged of them to make him a body , Charon had but newly landed him : How ●surers get into bell . yet it seem'd he stood in pittyfull feare , for his eyes were no bigger then pinnes heads , with blubbring and howling , keeping a coile to haue some body shew him the nearest way to hell , which he doubted he had lost , the other puts him into a pathe , that would directlie bring him thither , but before he bid him farewell , our blacke knight inquired of him what hee was : who answered , that he was sometimes one that liued vpon the Lechery of mettals , for hee could make one hundred pound be great with child , and be deliuered with another in a very short time , his mony ( like pigions ) laid euery month , he had bin in vpright tearmes , an Vsurer ; And vnderstanding that he fel into the hands of the hel● post , he offered him after a penny a mile , between that & the townes end hee was going too , so he would be his guide .

Which mony , when the watermen came to rifle him , he swallowed downe , and rakte for it afterwards , because hee knewe not what neede hee should haue , the waies being damnable : But the goer of the diue●s errands told him , if he would allow him Pursiuants sees , he durst not earne them , hee would doe him any Knights seruice , but to play the good Angells part , and guide him , he must pardon him . Doctor Diues request him ( in a whining accen● ) to tell him if there were any rich men in hell , & if by any base d●udgery which the diuell shall put him too , & which beele willingly moile in , he shuld scrape-any muck togither , whether he may set vp his trade in hel , & whither there be any brokers there , that with picking strawes out of poore thatcht houses to build nestes where his : twelue pences should ingenner , might get fethers to his backe , and their owne too . To all which questions , the vaut curier answers briefly , that he shall meete a number there , who once went in black veluet coats , and welted gownes , but of Brokers , there s a Longer lane in He●l , than there is in London . Marry for opening shops , and to keep a Bawdy house , for Lady Pecunia , Ho● sifata negant , If the Bay liffe of B●rathrum denye that priuiledge to those that haue serued twice seuen yeeres in the Freedome , there s no reason a Forrayner should taste the fauour .

This news tho it went coldly down , yet as those that are troubled with the tooth-ache , enquyre of others what the payne is , that haue had them drawn out , & think by that means they lessen their owne , So it is some ease to Syr Timothy , thirtie per centum , to ha●ken out the worst that others haue endured , he desires therfore to know how far it is from the earth to hell ; & being told that hel is iust so many miles from Earth , as earth is from Heauen , he stands in a brown study , wondring ) sithens : the length of the iournies were both alike to him , how it should happen , that he tooke rather the one path then the other . But then cursing himself that euer he fell in loue with mony , and that which is contrary to nature ) hee euer made a cracke French Crowne , beget an English-Angell , he roar'de out , & swore that gold sure would dambe him . For sayes hee , my greedinesse to 〈◊〉 mine eye with that , made me starue my belly , and haue vndone those for sixe pence , that were readie to starue . And into such an Apoplexie of Soule , fell I into , with the lust of money , that I had no sense of other happinesse : So that whil'st in my Closet I sat numbring my bags , the last houre of my life was told out , before I could tel the first heap of gold , birdlime is the sweat of the Oake tree , the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree , turnes into that slimie snare , and in that snare , is the bird her selfe taken . So fares it me , mony is but the excrement of the earth , in which couetous wretches ( like swine ) rooting continually , eate thorowe the earth so long , till at length they eate themselues into hell . I see therefore , that as Harts , being the most cowardly and hartlesse creatures , haue also the largest hornes . So we that are drudges to heapes of drosse , haue base & leane consciences , but the largest damnation . There appeared to Timotheus , an Athenian , Demonijvmbra , and that gaue him a net to catch Cities in , yet for all that he died a begger . Sure it was Vmbrae daemonis that taught me the rule of Interest : for in getting that , I haue lost the principall ( my soule ) . But I pray you tel me , saies my setter vp of Scriueners , Must I be stript thus out of all ? Shall my Fox-furd gownes be lockt vp from me ? Must I not haue so much as a shirt vpon me ? Heers worse pilling and polling then amongst my countrey men the Vsurers , not a rag of linnen about me , to hide my nakednesse .

No , sayes the light Horse-man of Lymbo no linnen is worne heere , because none can bee wouen strong enough to hold , neither doe any such good 〈◊〉 come hither as to make cloath , onely the Destinies are allowed to spinne , but their yarne serues to make smockes for Pr●serpina , You are now as you must euer bee , you shall neede no cloathes , the aire is so extreame hot ; ●esides , there be no Tailors sufferd to liue here , because ( they as well as Players ) haue a hell of their owne , ) ( vnder their shopboard ) & there lye their t● t●ered soules , patcht out with nothing but rags .

This Careere being ended , our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie , was readie to purspurres to his ho●●● , and take leaue , because he saw what disease hung vppon him , and that his companion was hard at his heeles , and was loth to proceede in his iourney .

But he , Qui nummos admiratur , the pawn-groper , clingde about his knees like a Horsleech , and coniurde him , as euer he pittied a wretch eaten to the bare bones , by the sacred hunger of gold , that he would either bestowe vpon him , a short Table ( such a one as is tide to the tayle of most Almanacks ) chalking out the hye-waies , be they neuer so durtie , and measuring the length of all the miles betweene towne , and towne , to the breadth of a hayre , or if this Geographicall request tooke vp too much conceald land to haue it granted , that yet ( at last ) he would tell him , whether he were to passe ouer any more riuers , and what the name of this filthy puddle was , ouer which hee was lately brought by a dogged waterman , because sithence he must runne into the diuels mouth , hee would runne the neerest way , least hee wearied himselfe .

Of this last request , the Lacquy of this great Leuiathan , promisde he should be maister , but he would not bring him to a miles end by land , The Ri●●rs which ●he s●u●● passes . ( they were too many to meddle with ) . You shall vnderstand therefore ( saies our wild Irish footeman ) that this first water ( which is now cast behind you ) is Acheron , It is the water of troub●e , & works like a Sea in a tempest ( for indeede this first is the worst ) It hath a thousand creekes , a thousand windings , and ●u●●ings , It vehemently boyles at the bottome ( like a Caldron of molten leade , ) when on the top it is smoother then a still streame : Remembrance of the sinnes , the first water . And vpon great reason is it calde the Riuer of molestation , for when the soule of man is vpon the point of departing from the Shores of life , and to be shipt away into another world , she is vext with a conscience , and an auxie us remembrance of all the parts that euer she plaid on the vnruly stage of the world : She repeats not by roate , but by heart , the iniuries done to others , and indignities wrought against her selfe : She ●urnes ouer a large volume of accountes , and findes that sh●ees runne out in pride , in lustes , in ●iots , in blasphemies , in irreligion , in waslowing through so many enormous & detestable crimes , that to looke back vpon them , ( being so infinite ) , and vpon her own face ( being so fowle ) the very thought makes her desperate . She neuer spake , or delighted to heare spoken , a●y bawdie language , but it now ●●ngs in her ●are , neuer lusted after lu●urious meates , but their taste is now vpon her tongue , neuer fed the sight witl any licen●ious obiect , but now they come all into her eye , euerie wicked thought before , is now to her a dagger , euery wicked word a death , euery wicked act a damnation : If shee scape falling into this Ocaean , she is miraculously saued from a shipwracke , hee must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman , that steeres in a Tempest so da●gerous : This first Riuer is a bitter water in taste , and vnsauou●y in sent , but whosoeuer drinks downe but halfe a draught of his remem●red former follies , Oh it cannot chuse but be 〈…〉 Gall is hony to it , Acheron like is a thicke water , and howe can it otherwise choose , being stirred with so m●ny thousand fighting perturbations .

Hauing passed ouer this first Riuer ( as now you are ) you shall presently ha●e your waie stopt with another , It s a little cut by l●●d thither , but a tedious and dangerous voyage by water .

Lies there a Boate readie ( quor●● my rich Iew of Malta ) to take me in so so●ne a● I cal ? No , saies the other , you must wait your mariners leisure , the same wrangling fellowe that was you● first man , is your last man : Marry you shallie at euery Hauens mouth for a wind , L●athing of our 〈◊〉 the second 〈◊〉 . til Belzab●●s hale you for Ach●ron ( after many circumgirations ) fale i● to the S●igian Lake ( your second Riuer carries that name ) It is the water of Loathsomnes , and runnes with a swifter Current then the former ● f●● when the soule sees deaths Barge tarrying for her , shee begins to be sorie for her ante acted euil● , and then shee s sayling ouer Acheron , but when sh●● drawer the Curtaine , and lookes narrowly vpon the pictures , which her own hand drew , and findes them to be vgly , she abhorres her owne work-manship , and makes haste to hoyste vp more Sayles , and to bee transported swiftlie ouer the Stygian Torrent , whose waters are so reuerend , that the Gods haue no other oath to sweare by .

The third Ryuer is Cocitus , somewhat clearer then both the other , Repentance of our sinnes , the third Water . and is the water of Repentance , beeing an Arme of Styx : Many haue heere bene cast away , and frozen to death , when the Riuer hath waxen cold , ( as oftentimes it doth , ) neyther are all sortes of Soules suffred to saile vpon it , for to some ( as if the water had sense , and could not brooke an vnworthy burden , ) it swells vp into tempests , and drownes them , to others more loue cannot appeare in Dolphins to men , then in that does smoothnes .

Besides these , there are Phlegeton and Pyriphlegeton that fall in with Cocytus ( burning Riuers , ) In which ( tho they be dreadfull to looke vppon , ) are no vtter danger : Vnlesse you saile safety ouer the waters of Repentanc , you are in danger to be drownd in Dispaire . If the Ferry-man waft you safelie , ouer the waters of Repentance , otherwise those hote liquors will scalde you .

But what a Traytoram I , ( to the vndiscouered Kingdomes , ) thus to bring to light their dearest Treasury ? sworne am I to the Imperiall State Infernall , and what dishonour would it bee to my Knight-hood , to be found forsworne ?

Seale vp your lips therefore I charge you , and drinke downe a full bowle of this Lethoean water , which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I ha●e spoken : Be proude thou Grandchild of Mammon , that I haue spent these minutes vppon thee , for neue● shall any breathing mortall man , with tortures wring our of mee so much againe . There ●yes your way : Fare well .

In such a strange Language was this vltimum Vale sent forth , that Mounsieur Money-monger stood onely staring and yawning vpon him , but could speake no more : yet at the last ( Coniuring vp his best Spirits , he onely in a dumb shew , ( with pittifull action , like a Player , ( when hee 's out of his part , ) made signes to haue a Letter deliuered by the Carryer , of condemnation , to his Sonne , ( a young R●ueller , prick't downe to stand in the Mer●ers bookes for next Christmasse , ) which in a dumbe shewe , likewise beeing receyued , they both turn'de backe the Vsurer , looking as hungrilie , as if he had kist the post .

CHAP. VIII . ●ells Sculler and the Pursiuant of Heauen , Cast mery reckonings vp , but growe not euen Tilla Plague ●alls : Soldiers set out a throate For Char●n : Eps comes mangled to his boate .

AT the Banck ende , when Plutoes pursiuant came to take water , Mercurie , ( that runs of all the errands betweene the Gods ) hauing bin of a message from Ceres , to her daughter Proserpine , ( the Queen of lower Affrica , Lucian in Dialog. finding Charon idle in his boat , because ( as if it had bene out of Terme time ) no Fares was stirring , fel to cast vp old reckonings , between himselfe , & the weatherbeaten Sculler , for certain tryfling money , layd out about Charons businesse . So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to part a Fray , was requested to be as Arbitator .

The first Item that stood in his Bill , was , For nayles to mend your Wherrie , when twoo Dutchmen comming drunck from the Renishwine-house , split three of the boards with their club fi●ts , thinking they had cal'd for a reckoning . iiij . pence .

Those Butter-boxes ( sayes Charon ) owe me a peny vpon the foote of that account : For I could distill out of them but onely three poore drops of siluer for the voyage , & all my losse at Sea . What s next ?

Item , laid out for pitch to trim your boat about the middle of the last plague , because she might go light & vare , and do her labour cleanly , xj . pence .

I am ouer-reckoned that odde penny , ( quoth Charon , and I le neuer yeeld to pay it , but vi & armis , that 's to say , by lawe . I disburst it ( by my Caducens sayes the Herald ) nay sayes Charon , if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a penny-worth of pitch , touch ●●●ill : on .

Item , for glew & whipcord , to mend your brokēoar , iij. d.

That 's reasonable ; yet I haue caryed some in my Wherie that haue had more whip-cord giuen them for nothing● on .

Item laid out for Iuniper to persume the boate , when certain Frenchmen were to go by water : j. ob. I , a pox on them , who got by that ? on .

Item lent to a company of Countrey-players , being nine in number , one sharer , & the rest Iourneymen , that with strowling were brought to deaths door , xiij . d. ob . vpon their stocke of apparell , to pay for boat hyre , because they would trye if they might be suffered to play in the Diuels name , which stock afterwardes came into your clawes , and you dealt vpon it : xiij . ob .

They had his hand to a warrant ( quoth Charon ) but their ragges serued to make me Swabbers , because they neuer fetcht it againe , so that belike hee proued a god Lord and master to them , and they made new Pergementiri . Tickle the next Minkin .

Item , when a Cobler of Poetrie , called a Playe patcher , was condemned with his Catte to be duckt three times in the cucking-stoole of Pyriphlegeton , ( beeing one of the scalding Riuers , ) till they both dropt again , because he scolded against his betters , and those whom hee liued vppon , laid out at that time for straw , to haue caried pusse away if she had kittend , to auoyd anie catterwalling in Hell . j. pennie .

Mew , they were not both wroth a pennie : on .

Item , for needle and threed to ●arne vp aboue two and fiftie holes in your sailes , and to a Botcher for halfe a dayes worke about it : vij . pence .

That botcher I preferd to be Lucifers Tailer , because he workes with a hot needle and burnt threede , and that seuen pence he gaue me for my good will , why should not I take bribes as well as others , I will clip that money , and melt it . Not for my Bill ( sayes the Herald of the gods ) for it went out of my purse , the Tayler may pay it ▪ backe againe , it is but stealing so much the more , or cutting out 5. quarters to a garment , nay , Mercurie , you shall filch for vs both , for all the gods know you are a notable Pick-pocket , as the knight of the Post here can take his oath , but what is your Summa totalis , ( quoth Charon ) Summa totalis , answeres the other comes to three shillings and a pennie . The Scullèr told him , hee was now out of Cash , it was a hard time , he doubts there is some secrete Bridge made ouer to Hell , and that they steale thither in Coaches , for euery Iustic●s wife , and the wife of euery Cittizen must bee iolted now .

But howsoeuer the market goes , beare with me , ( quoth Charon ) till there come another plague , or till you heare of such another battaile as was at Newport , or till the Dunkirks catch a Hoy of Hollanders , and tumble them ouer-boord , or til there be more ciuill Wars in France , or if Pa●ris garden would but fall downe againe , I should not onely wipe off this olde score , but hope to make mee a new boat . Mercury seeing no remedy ( tho he knew well enough he was not without mony ) tooke his wings , and away went he to Olympus . The Postes iorney lay nothing neere that path , but inquiring whether one Pier●● Penni●esse came not ouer in his Fer●y : and vnderstanding , because hee could not pay his Fare , he was faine to goe a great way about to Elizium , thither in an Irish gallop is our swearing knight gone .

Scarce was hee out of kenne , but on the other side of the Riuer stoode a companie crying out lustily , William Eps his death . A Boat , hey , a Boat , hey , and who should they be but a gallant troope of English spirits ( all mangled ) looking like so many old Romans , that for ouercomming death in their manly resolutions , were sent away out of the field , crowned with the military honour of Armes . The foremost of them was a personage of so composed a presence , that Nature and Fortune had done him wrong , if ●hey had not made him a souldier . In his countenance , there was a kinde of indignation , fighting with a kind of exalted ioy , which by his very gesture were apparantly descipherable , for he was iocond , that his soule went out of him in so glorious a triumph ; but disdainfully angry , that she wrought her enargement through no more daungers : yet were there bleeding witnesses inow on his breast , which testified , he did not yeelde till he was conquered , and was not conqu●red , till there was left nothing of a man in him to be ouercome . For besides ●hose Mortui & Muti testes , which spake most for him , when he himselfe was past speaking , ( thogh their mouthes were stopped with scarres ) he made shift to lay downe an ouer-plus of life , ( when the debt was discharged at one mortall payment before ) onely to shew in what abiect account he held deathes tyranny . Charon glowring vpon him , demanded who he was , but hee skorning to be his owne Chronicle , and not suffering any of the rest to execute the office , they al leaped into the Ferry . Amongst whome , one that sate out of his hearing , but within the reach of the Waterman , ( to shorten the way ) discoursed all , thus :

England ( quoth hee ) gaue him breath , Kent education , he was neuer ●uer-maistered , but by his own affections : against whom , whensoeuer he got the victorie , there was a whole man in him : he was of the sword , and knewe better how to ende quarrels , then to beginne them ; yet was more apt to begin , then other ( better bearded ) were to answer , with which ( some that were euer bound to the peace ) vpbraided him as a blemish . His country barring him ( for want of action ) of that which he was borne to inherit , ( same ) he went in quest of it into the Low Countries , where ( by his deare earnings ) hee bequeathed that to those of his name , with nothing , but his name seemed to depriue him of in England . Ost-end beeing besieged , hee lost one of his eyes , whilst hee looked ouer the walles , which first storme did rather driue him on to more dangerous aduentures , though to the hazard euen of a shipwracke , ( then like a fearefull Merchant ) to runne his fortunes and reputation on ground , for the boysterous threatnings of euery idle billow . So this his resolution set vpon his rest , to leaue all the remainer of his body to that Countrey , which had take from him one of the best iewells of his life , since it had a peece of him , he would not so dishonor the place , as to carry away the rest broken . Into the field therefore comes he , the sates putting both his eies into one , ( of purpose ) because he should looke vpon none but his enemies : where , a battaile being to be sought , the desert aduanced him to aduance the Colours ; by which dignitie , he became one of the fairest markes , which was then to be shot at : and where a great part of that daies glory was to be wonne ; for the Regent that followed his Ensigne , ( by being hardly set to ) giuing ground , and the enemies ambition , thirsting after his Colours , threw at all , in hope to winne them . But the destinies ( who fought on their side ) mistooke themselues , and in steede of striking the Colours out of his hand , smote him : in so much , that hee was twice shot , & twice runne through the body , yet wold not surrender his hold for al those breaches , but stripping the prize for which they stroue , off from the staffe that helde it vp , and wrapping his dying bodie in it , drewe out his weapon , with which before his Collours could bee called his winding sheete , he threwe himselfe into the thickest of danger : where after he had slaine a horseman , and two other ; most valiantlie , hee came off ( halfe dead , halfe aliue , ) brauely deliuering vp his spirit in the ar●es of none but his friendes and fellow souldiers .

So that ( as if Fortune had beene iealous of her owne wauering , ) death ( at her intreatie ) tooke him away , in the noone-tide of a happinesse ; lest anie blacke euenings ouercasting should spoyle it with alteration . He was married to the honour of a fielde in the morning , and died in the Armes of it the same day , before it was spoyled of the mayden-head : so that it went away chaste and vnblemishable . To conclude , ( Father Sculler ) because I see wee are vppon landing , heere is as much as I can speake in his praise : he dyed Auncient in the very middest of his youth .

Charon hum'de and and cryde well : and hauing rid his boat of them , dyrected them to those happie places , which were alotted out to none but Martialists .

CHAP. IX . The Fieldes of ●oye describ'de : None there must dwell , 〈◊〉 purged Soules , and such as haue done well : Some Soldiers there : and some that 〈◊〉 in Loue , Poets sit singing in the Baye-tree Groue .

WH●●● the 〈◊〉 man was plying his Fares , & following his thrift , the wandring knight , ( Syr Dago●● ) hauing d●●patch't with the 〈…〉 that hee 〈…〉 hee went , was ●ust at that time walking in one of the 〈◊〉 Gardens ; hee meant to take that in his waye , But the internall lawes barring him from entrance into those sacred palaces , he wa●●ed the other to him , and ●hen related ( verbatim ) his maisters answere and resolution : which the Suppliant receiues ( considering he was now where he would be ) with as ●●we words as hee was wont to carry pence in his pu●s● . The Post hauing as little to say to him , cast onely a sleight eye vppon all the Elizaan 〈◊〉 ( much like to a disdainfull phantasticke French-man when he comes into a s●raunge countrey , as though he trauelled rather to be seen then to obserue ) and vp hee leapes vpon one of the Diuells hackneys ▪ and away he rides , to follow his 〈…〉 busines ▪ about which whilst hee is damnably swea●ing , let mee carrie you into those Insul● Fortunatae , ordained to be the Abydings , for none but blessed Soules .

The walles that incompasse these goodly habitations , are white as the forehead of Heauens they glyster like pollisht Iuorie , but the stuffe is fyner : high they are , like the pillers that vphold the Court of loue ; & strong they are , as Tow●rs built by Enchauntment : there is but one Gate to it All , and that s of refined Siluer : So narrowe it is , that but one at once can enter : Round about , weares it a gyrdle of waters , that are sweet , redolent , & Christalline : the leaues of the vine are not so pre●ious , the Nectar of the Gods nothing so delicious .

Walk into the Groues , you shall heare all sor●s of birds melodiously singing : you shall see Swaynes defly piping , and virgins chaftly dancing . Shepheards there , liue as merily as Kings , and kings are glad to be companions with Shepheardes . The widow there complains of no wrong : the orphan sheads no teares , for Couetousnes cannot carrie it away with his Gold , nor Crueltie with the swaye of Greatnesse , the poore Client needes see no Lawyer to pleade for him , for there s no Iurie to condemne him , nor Iudges to astonish him , there is all mirth , without immodestie : all health without base abusing of it : all sorts of Wines without intemperance : all Riches without Sensualitie : all Beauty without painting : all Loue without dissimulation . Winter there playes not the Tyrant , neither is the Sommers breath pestilent : for Spring is all the yere long , tricking vp the Boughes : so that the trees are euer flourishing , the fruites euer growing , the flowers euer budding : yea such cost , and such Arte is bestowed vppon the A●bours , that the very benches ( whereon these blest Inhabitants sit ) are sweet beds of violets : the beds whereon they lye , bancks of Muske-r●ses : their pillows hearts , are hearts-ease , their Sheetes the silken leaues of Willow .

Neither is this a Common Inne , to all Trauellers , but the very Pallace wher Happines her selfe maintaines her Court , and none are allowed to followe her , but such as are of merit . Of all men in the world Landlords dare not quarter themselues here , because they are Rackers of rents : a pettifogger , that has taken brybes , wil be dambd ere he come neere the gates . A Fencer is not allow'd to stand within 12. score of the Place : no more is a Vintner , nor a Farmer , nor a Taylor , vnlesse he creep through the eye of his Needle : no , and but fewe Gentlemen-Vshers . Women ▪ ( for all their subtiltie , ) scarce one amongst fiue hundred has her pewe there , especially old Myd-wiues , Chamber-maides , & wayting-wenches , their dooings are too well knowne , to be let into these lodgings . No , no , none can be free of these Liberties , but such as haue consciences without cracks , hands not spotted with vncleannesse ; feete not worne out with walking to mischiefe , and heartes that neuer were hollowe . Listen therefore , and I will tel you what Passengers haue licence to land vpon these shores .

Young Infants that dye at the brest , and haue not suckt of their parents sinnes , are most welcom thither for their innocency . Holy singers whose diuine Anthemes haue bound ●oules by their charmes & whose liues are Tapers of virgin waxe , set in siluer candlesucks , to guide Men out of errors darknes , they knowe their places there ▪ and haue them for then Integri●y .

Some Schollers are admitted into this societie , but the number of them all is not halfe so many as are in one of the Colledges of an Vniuersitie , and the reason is , they eyther kindle firebrands ( in the the sanctified places ) by their contention ; or kill the hearts of others by their coldnes .

One field there is amongst all the rest , set round about with willows , It is call'd the field of M●urning and in this ( vpon bancks of flowers that wither away , euen with the scorching sighes of those that 〈◊〉 vppon them , ) are a band of Malecontents : they looke for all the world like the mad-folkes in bedlam , and desire ( like them ) to be alone , & these are For ●orn louers : such as pyn'de away to nothing , for nothing : such as for the loue of a wanton wench , haue gone crying to their graues , whilst she in the mean time , went ( laughing to see such a kinde coxcombe ) into anothers bed : All the ioye that these poore fooles feed vpon , is to sit singing lamentable ballades to some dolefull tunes ▪ for tho they haue chang'de their olde liues , they cannot forget their young loues ; they spend their time in making of myr●●e garlands , & shed so much water out of their eyes , that it hath made a prettie little riuer , which 〈◊〉 so s●●king : continually at the roots of the willow trees , that halfe the leaues of them , are almost washt into a whitenes .

There is another piece of ground , where are incamped none but Soldiers : and o● those , not all sortes of Soldiers neither , but onely such as haue died noblie in the warres : and yet of those , but a certaine number too : that is to say , such that in execution were neuer bloudy : in their Countries reuenge , seuere , but not cruell : such as held death in one hand , and mercy in the other : such as neuer rauisht maidens , neuer did abuse no widowes , neuer gloried in the massacre of babes : were neuer druncke , of purpose before the battaile began , because they would spare none , nor after the battaile did neuer quarrell about pledging the health of his whoare . Of this Garrison , there are but a few in pay , & therfore they liue without Mu●iny .

Beyond all these places is there a Groue , which stands by it selfe like an I●and ; for a s●●eame ( th●t makes musicke in the running ) cla●p●● it round about like a hoope girdle of christall : Lawrells grew so thicke on all the bankes of it , that lighming it selfe if it came thither , hath no power to pierce through them . It seemes ( without ) a desolate and vnfrequented wood , ( for those within are retyrde into themselues ) but from th●● came forth such harmonious sounds , that birdes build nests onely , in the trees there , to teach T●nes to their young ones prettily . This is called The Gro●● of Bay Trees , and to this Consort Rome , res●● one but the children of Pboebus , ( Poets and Mus●●tons : ) the one creates the ditty , and giues it the life or number , the other lends it voyce , and makes it speake musicke . When these happy Spirits sit asunder , their bodies are like so many Starres , and when they ioyne togither in seuerall troopes , they shew like so many heauenly Constellations . Full of pleasant Bowers and queint Arboures is all this Walke . In one of which , old Chaucer , reuerend for prioritie , blythe in cheare , buxsome in his speeches , and benigne in his hauiour , is circled a round with all the Makers or Poets of his time , their hands leaning on one anothers shoulders , and their eyes fixt seriously vpon his , whilst their eares are all tied to his tongue , by the golden chaines of his Numbers ; for here ( like Euanders mother ) they spake all in verse : no Attick eloquence is so sweete : their language is so pleasing to the goddes , that they vtter their Oracles in none other .

Gra●e Spencer was no sooner entred into this Chappell of Apollo , but these elder Fathers of the diuine Furie , gaue him a Lawrer & sung his Welcome : Chaucer call'de him his Sonne , and plac'de him at at his right hand . All of them ( at a signe giuen by the whole Quire of the Muses that brought him thither , ) closing vp their lippes in silence , and tuning all their eares for attention , to heare him sing out the rest of his Fayrie Queenes praises .

In another companie sat learned Watson , industrious Kyd , ingenious Atchlow , and tho ( hee had bene a Player , molded out of their pennes ) yet because he had bene their Louer , and a Register to the Muses , Inimitable B●ntley : these were likewise ca● rowsing to one another at the holy well , some of them singing Paeans to Apollo , som of them Hymnes to the rest of the Goddes , whil'st Marlow , Greene , and Peele had got vnder the shades of a large vyne , laughing to see Nash ( that was but newly come to their Colledge , ) still haunted with the sharpe and Satyricall spirit that followd him heere vpon earth : for Nash inueyed bitterly ( as he had wont to do ) against dry-fifted Patrons , accusing them of his vntimely death , because if they had giuen his Muse that cherishment which shee most worthily deserued , hee had fed to his dying day on fat Capons , burnt sack and Suger , and not so desperately haue ventur'de his life , and shortend his dayes by keeping company with pickle herrings : the rest ask't him what newes in the world , hee told them that Barbarisme was now growne to bee an Epidemiall disease , and more common then the tooth-ache : being demaunded how Poets and Players agreed now , troth sayes hee , As Phisitions and patients agree , for the patient loues his Doctor no longer then till hee get his health , and the Player loues a Poet , so long as the sickn●sse lyes in the two-penie gallery when none will come into it : Nay ( sayes he ) into so lowe a miserie ( if not contempt , ) is the sacred Arte of Po●sie falne , that tho a wryter ( who is worthy to ●it at the table of the Sunne , ) wast his braines , to earne applause from the more worthie Spirits , yet when he has done his best , hee workes but like O●nus , that makes ropes in hell ; for as hee twists , an Asse stands by and bites them in sunder , and that Asse is no other than the Audience with hard hands . He had no sooner spoken this , but in comes Chettle sweafing and blowing , by reason of his satnes , to welcome whom , because hee was of olde acquaintance , all rose vp , and fell presentlie on their knees , to drinck a health to all the Louers of Hellicon : in dooing which , they made such a mad noyse , that all this Coniuring which is past , ( beeing but a dreame , ) I suddenlie started vp , and am now awake .

Finis .