Hee resolued therefore to aunswere his humble Orater : But being himselfe not brought vp to learning ( for the Diuell ean neyther write not reade ) yet he has bene at all the Vniuersities in Christendome , and throwne heresies ( like bones for dogges to gnaw vpon ) amongst the Doctors themselues : but hauing no skill but in his owne Horne-booke , it troubled his minde where he should get a pen-man fit for his tooth to scribble for him , all the Scriueners i th towne he had at his becke , but they were so set a worke with making bondes betweene Vsurers and Vnthriftie heires , betweene Marchants and Tradesmen ( that to coozen and vndoe others , turne Banke-rowtes themselues , and defeate Creditors ) and with drawing close conueyances betweene Landlords and Bawdes , that now sit no longer vpon the skirtes of the Cittie , but iett vp and downe , euen in the cloake of the Cittie , and giue more rent for a house , then the proudest London occupier of them all , that Don Lucifer was loth to take them from their Nouerints , because in the ende he knew they were but his Factors , and that he should be a part-owner in their lading himselfe ; Lawyers clarkes were so durtied vp to the hammes with trudging vp and downe to get pelfe , and with fishing for gudgeons , and so wrung poore ignorant clients purses , with exacting vnreasonable Fees , that the Paymaster of Perdition would by no meanes take them from their wide lines , and bursten-bellied straddling ffs , but stroking them vnder the chinnes , cald them his white boyes , and told them he would empty the Inke-pot of some others .

Whither then marches Monsieur Malesico ? Mary to all the writing Schoolemasters of the town . He tooke them by the fists and lik'd their handes exceedingly ( for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands & could counterfeit any thing ) but perceiuing by the copies of their countenances , that for al their good letters , they writ abominable bad English , and that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce , if there came false Orthographie from him ( though there be no truth in his budget ) away hee gallops from those tell-tales ( the Schoolemasters ) damning himselfe to the pit of Hell , if Pierce Pennylesse should euer get a good word at his handes .

I hearing this , and fearing that the poore Suppliant should lose his longing , and bee sent away with Si nihil attuleris , resolued ( euen out of my loue to Pierce Pennylesse , because he hath beene alwayes a companion to Schollers , ) to doe that for nothing , which a number would not for any money .

I fell to my tooles ( pen , inke , and paper ) roundly , but the Head warden of the Horners ( Signior Beco Diauolo ) after hee had cast vp what lay in his stomacke , suspecting that I came rather as a spie to betray him , then as a spirit to runne of his errands , and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall , there to Anatomize him , then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately , would by no meanes haue the answere goe forwarde : Notwithstanding , hauing examined him vpon Interrogatories , and thereby sifting him to the very bran . I swore by Hellicon , ( which he could neuer abide ) that because t is out a fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage , he should ( spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone ) be a Diuell in print . Inraged at which , he flung away in a fury , and leapt into Barathrum , whilst I mustred all my wits about me , to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crew , and discouer his Stratagems .

Wonder is the daughter of ignorance , none but fooles therfore will maruell , how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babylon came to bee so familiar together , or how wee met , or how I knew where to finde him , or what Charmes I carried about mee whil'st I talkt with him , or where ( if one had occasion to vse his Diuellship ) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger .

Tush , these are silly inquisitions ; his acquaintance is more cheape , then a common Fidlers ; his lodging is more known then an English Bawdes , a midwiues or a phisicions ; and his walkes , more open to all Nations , then those vpon the Exchaunge , where at every step a man is put in minde of Babell , there is such a confusion of languages . For in the Terme time , my Caualiero Cornuto runnes sweatingvp and downe betweene Temple-barre , and Westminster hall , in the habite of a knight Errant , a swearing knight , or a knight of the Poste : All the Vacation you may eyther meete him at dicing Ordinaries , like a captayne ; at cocke-pits , like a young countrey gentleman ; or else , at a bowling ally in a flat cap , like a shop keeper : euerie market day you may take him in Cheape-side , poorely attirde like an Ingrosser , and in the afternoones , in the twopeny roomes of a Play-house , like a Puny , seated Cheeke by Iowle with a Punke : In the heate of Summer he commonly turnes Intelligencer , and carries tales betweene the Archduke and the Graue : In the depth of Winter , he sits tippling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garison .

Hauing therefore ( as Chamber-maides vse to do sor their Ladies faces ouernight ) made readie my cullors , the pencell being in my hand , my carde lined , my needle ( that capers ouer two and thirtie pointes of the Compas ) toucht to the quicke , East , West , North , and South , the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde , that neuer blow themselues out of breath , like foure dropsie Dutch Captaynes standing Centinells in their quarters , I will ingeniously and boldely giue you the Map of a country , that Iyes lower then the 17. valleyes of Belgia , yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newcastle , is farre more darke , farre more dreadfull , and fuller of knauerie , then the Colliers of those fire-workes are .

The name of this straunge Countrie is Hell ; In discouery of which , the Qualitie of the Kingdome , the condition of the Prince , the estate of the people , the Traffique thither ( marie no transportation of goods from thence ) shal be painted to the life . It is an Empire , that Iyes vnder the Torrid Zone , and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas , then t is in Spaine or Fraunce ( which are counted plaguy hotte Countries ) at Midsummer , or in England when the dogge daies bite sorest : for to say truth ( because ti 's sinne to belie the Diuell ) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vpon Stoues and Hotte-houses , you cannot set foote into it , but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you : for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers , the bonefiers that are kept there , neuer goe out ; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broylde like Carbonadoes with the sweating sicknes , but the best is ( or rather the worst ) none of them die on 't .

And such daungerous hot shottes are all the women there , that whosoeuer meddles with any of them is sure to be burnt : It stands farther off then the Indies : yet to see the wonderfull power of Nauigation , if you haue but aside Winde , you may sayle sooner thither , than a maried man can vpon S. Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen , from S. Katherines , which vpon sound experience , and by the opinion of many good Marriners , may be done in lesse than halfe an hower . If you trauell by land to it , the wayes are delicate , euen , spatious , and very faire , but toward the end very fowle : the pathes are beaten more bare , than the liuings of Church-men . You neuer turne , when you are trauelling thither , but keepe altogether on the left hand , so that you cannot lose your selfe , vnlesse you desperately do it of purpose .

The miles are not halfe so long as those betweene Colchester and Ipswich in England , nor a quarter so durtie in the wrath of Winter , as your French miles are at the fall of the leafe .

Some say , it is an Iland , embrac'de about with certaine Riuers , called the waters of Sorrow : Others proue by infallible Demonstration , that t is a Continent , but so little beholden to Heauen , that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them .

How so euer it be , this is certaine , that t is exceeding rich , for all Vsurers both Iewes and Christians , after they haue made away their Soules for money here , meete with them there againe : You haue of all Trades , of all Professions , of all States some there : you haue Popes there , aswel as here , Lords there , as well as here , Knights there aswel as here , Aldermen there , aswel as here , Ladies there , aswel as here , Lawyers there , aswell as here , Soldiers march there by millions , soe doe Cittizens , soe doe Farmers , very fewe Poets can be suffred to liue there , the Colonell of Coniurers driues them out of his Circle , because hee feares they 'le write libells against him : yet some pittifull fellowes ( that haue faces like fire-drakes , but wittes colde as Whetstones , and more blunt ) not Poets indeede , but ballad-makers , rub out there , and write Infernals : Marrie players swarme there as they do here , whose occupation being smelt out , by the Cacodaemon , or head officer of the Countrie , to bee lucratiue , he purposes to make vp a company , and to be chiefe sharer himselfe , De quibus suo loco , of whose doings you shall heare more by the next carrier : but here 's the mischiefe , you may find the way thither , though you were blinder then Superstition , you may bee set a-shore there , for lesse then a Scullers fare : Any Vintners boy , that has bene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeres , any Marchant of maiden heads , that brings commodities out of Virginia , can direct you thither : But neyther they nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-catcher of em all , can take his oath , that it lyes iust vnder such an Horizon , whereby many are brought into a fooles Paradice , by gladly beleeuing that either there 's no such place at all , or else , that t is built by Inchauntment , and standes vpon Fayrie ground , by reason such pinching and nipping is knowne to bee there , and that how well fauourd soeuer wee depart hence , we are turnd to Changelings , if we tarry there but a minute .

These Territories , notwithstanding of Tartarie , will I vndermine and blow vp to the view of all eies , the black & dismal shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean , shall be in ken , as plainely as the white ( now vnmaydend brests of our owne Iland : ) China , Peru and Cartagena , were neuer so ●ifled : the winning of Cales , was nothing to the ransacking of this Troy that 's all on fire : the very bowels of these Infernall Antipodes , shall bee ript vp , and pulld out , before that great Dego of Diuels his owne face : Nay , since my flag of defiance is hung forth , I will yeelde to no truce , but with such Tamburlaine-like furie march against this great Turke , and his legions , that Don Belzebub shal be ready to damme himselfe , and be horne-mad : for with the coniuring of my pen , al Hell shall breake loose .

Assist me therefore , thou Genius of that ven. trous , but Iealous musicion of Thrace ( Euridices husband ) who being besotted on his wife ( of which sin none but Cuckolds should bee guilty ) went aliue ( with his fiddle at 's back , ) to see if he could baile her out of that Adamantyne prison ; the fees he was to pay for her , were Iigs and country daunces : he payd them : the forfeits , if he put on yellow stockings & lookt back vpon her , was her euerlasting lying there , without baile or Maynprize : the louing coxcomb could not choose but looke back , and so lost her , ( perhaps hee did it , because hee would be rid of her . ) The morall of which is , that if a man leaue his owne busines , and haue an eye to his wiues dooings , shee le giue him the slip , though she runne to the Diuell for her labor , Such a iourney ( sweet Orpheus ) am I to vndertake , but Ioue forbid my occasion should be like thine ; for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches , he could not find worse , ( no nor so bad ) there , as are here vpon earth . It were pity any woman should be damn'd , for she would haue tricks ( once in a moone ) to put the Diuell forth of his wits . Thou ( most cleare throated singing man , ) with thy harpe ( to the twinckling of which , inferior spirits skipt like goats ouer the Welch mountaines ) hadst priuiledge , because thou wert a Fiddler , to be sawey , and to passe and repasse through euery roome , and into euery nook of the Diuels wine-celler : Inspire mee therfore with thy cunning that caried thee thither , and thy courage that brought thee from thence , teach me which way thou went'st in , and how thou scapt'st out , guide me in true fingering , that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid'st ( euery dinner and supper ) before that Emperor of Low Germanie , and the brabbling States vnder him : Lucifer himselfe daunced a Lancashire Horne-pipe , whilst thou wert there . If I can but harp vpon thy string , hee shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin . I will call vpon no Midwiues to help mee in those Throws , which ( after my braines are fallen in labour ) I must suffer , ( yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howres ) nor vpon any coniurer , ( yet coniurers , thou knowst , are fellow and fellow-like with Monsieur Malediction , as Puncks are , who raize him likewise vp continually in their Circaean Circles ) or as Brokers are , who day and night study the black Art : No , no ( thou Mr of thy musicall company ) I sue to none , but to thee , because of thy Prick-song : For Poetry ( like honesty and olde Souldiers ) goes vpon lame feete , vnlesse there bee musicke in her .

And thou , into whose soule ( if euer there were a Pithagorean Metempsuchosis ) the raptures of that fierie and inconfinable Italian spirit were bounteously and boundlesly infused , thou sometimes Secretary to Pierce Pennylesse , and Master of his requests , ingenious , ingenuous , fluent , facetious , T. Nash : from whose aboundant pen , hony flow'd to thy friends , and mortall Aconite to thy enemies : thou that madest the Doctor a flat Dunce , and beat'st him at two sundry tall Weapons , Poetrie , and Oratorie : Sharpest Satyre , Luculent Poet , Elegant Orator , get leaue for thy Ghost , to come from her abiding , and to dwell with me a while , till she hath carows'd to me in her owne wonted ful measures of wit , that my plump braynes may swell , and burst into bitter Inuectiues against the Lieftennant of Limbo , if hee casheere Pierce Pennylesse with dead pay . But the best is , Facilis descensus Auerni , we may quickly haue a ring through his nose if he do : It s but slipping down a hil , & you shal fal into the deuils lap presently . And that 's the reason ( because his sinfulnes is so double-diligent , as to be at your elbow with a call , wherein he giues good examples to Drawers , if they had grace to follow his steps ) that you swalow down that Newes first , which should be eaten last : For you see at the beginning , the Diuell is ready to open his mouth for an Answere , before his howre is come to be set to the Barre .

Since therfore , a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth'd Newes-monger lick his lips after it , no mans teeth shall water any longer , hee shal haue it ; for a very briefe Cronicle shal be gathered , of al the memorable occurrents , that presented themselues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iourney , the second part of Erra paters Almanacke , whose shooes , Platoes Cap was not worthy to wipe , shal come forth , & without lying ( as you Calender-mongers vse to doe , ) tell what weather wee had all the way he went , to a drop of raine : wee will not lose him , from the first minute of his iumping a shipboard , to the last of his leaping a shore , and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court ( his good Lord and Master ) the Diuell .

The Post therfore hauing put vp his packet , blows his horne , and gallops all the way , like a Citizen , so soone as euer hee 's on horseback , downe to Billins-gate , for he meant when the Tide seru'd to angle for Souls & some other fresh fish in that goodly fish-pond the Thames , as he passed ouer it , in Grauesend Barge : that was the water coach he would ride in , there he knew he should meete with some voluntaries that would venture along with him : In this passage through the Citty , what a number of Lord Mayors , Aldermens , and rich Commoners sonnes and heyres kept a hallowing out at Tauerne-windowes to our knight , and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores with their hats only , ( for they had molted away all their fethers ) to haue him strike sayle & come vp to them : he vaild , and did so : their phantastick salutations being complemented , with much intreatie ( because he stood vpon Thornes ) hee was aduaunc'd ( in regard of his Knighthood ) to the vpper end of the boord : you must take out your writing tables , and note by the way , that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wild fowle , Et crimine ab vno disce omnes , cut vp one , cut vp all , they were birds all of a beake , not a Woodcocks difference among twenty dozen of them ; euery man had before him abale of dice , by his side a brace of Punks , and in his fist a nest of bowles . It was spring-tide sure , for all were full to the brimmes , with French beeing turn'd into English ( for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux ) signified thus much , that dicing , drinking , and drabbing , ( like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem ) were the ciuil plagues , that very vnciuily destroyed the Sonnes ( but not the sinnes ) of the Cittie .

The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks , it was hard to iudge , whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle , or lookt red with anger one at another : but the troth is , their faces would take any dye but a blush-colour , and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to bee angry , but their wits , ( like wheeles in Brunswick clocks ) being all wound vp , so far as they could stretch , were all going , but not one going truly .

For some curst their birth , some their bringing vp , some rayled vpon their owne Nation , others vpon Strangers . At the last , one of these Acolasti playing at doublets with his pue-fellow ( which they might well doe , being almost driuen to their shirts ) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore , out draws his ponyard , and stabbing the tables , as if he meant to haue murder'd the thirty men , swore he could find in his heart to go presently ( hauing drunke vpsie Dutch ) and pisse euen vpon the Curmudgion his fathers graue : for , sayes he , no man has more vndone me , than he that has done most for me i le stand too 't , it 's better to be the son of a Cobler , then of a Common councill man : if a Coblers sonne and heyre runne out at heeles , the whoreson patch may mend himselfe ; but wee whose friends leaue vs wel , are like howre glasses turn'd vp , though we be neuer so full , we neuer leaue running , till wee haue emptied our selues , to make vp the mouths of slaues , that for gaine are content to lye vnder vs , like Spaniels , fawning , and receiue what fals from our superfluity . Who breeds this disease , in our bones ? Whores ? No , alack let 's doe them right , 't is not their fault , but our mothers , our cockering mothers , who for their labour make vs to be cald Cockneys , or to hit it home indeede , those golden Asses our fathers .

It is the olde man , it is Adam , that layes a curse vpon his Posterity : As for my Dad , t is well knowne , hee had ships reeling at Sea , ( the vnlading of which giues mee my load now , and makes mee stagger on land ) hee had ploughs to teare vp deare yeeres out of the guts of the earth i' th countrey , and Yeomens sonnes , North countrey-men , fellowes ( that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding , ) great boyes with beards , whom hee tooke to bee Prentizes , ( mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free , ) and those lads ( like Sarieants ) tore out mens throats for him to get money in the Citty : hee was richer then Midas , but more wretched then an Alchumist : so couetous that in gardning time , because he would not be at the cost-of a loade of Earth , he parde not his nayles for seauen yeeres together , to the intent the durt that hee filcht vnder them , should serue for that purpose : So that they hung ouer his Fingers , like soe many shooing-hornes : doe but imagine how farre euer any man ventred into Hell for money , and my father went a foote farder by the standard , and why did he this , thinke you ? he was so sparing , that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe , so that all was for mee , hee cozend yong gentlemen of their land , onely for me , had acres morgadgde to him by wise-acres for three hundred poundes , payd in hobby horses , dogges , bells , and lutestrings , which if they had bine sold by the drum , or at an outrop , with the cry , of No man better ? would neuer haue yelded 50. li. & this he did only for me , he built a Pharos or rather a Block-house beyond the galows at Wapping , to which the black fleet of cole carriers that came from Newcastle , strook saile , were brought a bed , and discharg'd their great bellies there , like whores in , at the common price with twelue pence in a chaulderouer and aboue , thereby to make the common wealth blow her nayles till they ak'de for cold , vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire , onely for me : the poore curst him with bel , booke & candle , till he lookt blacker with their execration , then if hee had bene blasted , but hee carde not what doggs barkt at him , so long as they bit not mee : his houskeeping was worse then an Irish Kernes , a Rat could not commit a Rape vpon the paring of a moldy cheese , but he died for 't , onely for my sake , the leane Iade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himself , though he had eaten stincking fresh Herring able to poyson a dogge , onely for mee , because his sonne and heire should drinke eggs and muskadine , when hee lay rotting .

To conclude , he made no conscience , to runne quick to the Diuell of an errand , so I had sent him . Might not my father haue beene begg'd ( thinke you ) better then a number of scuruy things that are begd ? I am perswaded , fooles would be a rich Monopolie , if a wise man had em in hand : would they had begun with him , I le be sworne , he was a fat one : for had he fild my pockets with siluer , and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer , I might haue bene cald vpon by this , whereas now I am ready to giue vp my cloake : Had he sett me to Grammer schoole , as I set my self to dauncing schoole , in stead of treading Carontoes , and making Fidlers fat with rumps of Capons , I had by this time read Homilyes , and fedde vpon Tithe-pigges of my owne vicaridge , whereas now , I am ready to get into the Prodigals seruice , and eate Iones nuts , that 's to say , Acorns with swine : But men that are wisest for officers , are commonly arrand woodcoks , for fathers : Hee that prouides liuing for his child , and robs him of learning , turnes him into a Beetle , that flyes from perfumes and sweet Odours , to feede on a cow-sheard ; all such rich mens darlings are eyther christened by some left-handed Priest , or else borne vnder a threepenny Planet , and then thei 'le neuer be worth a groat , though they were left Landlords of the Indies . I confesse , when all my golden veynes were shrunke vp , and the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling , I could for al that haue bene dub'd : But when I saw how mine vncle playd at chesse , I had no stomack to be Knighted . Why , sayes the Post ? Mary quoth he , because when I prepar'd to fight a battayle on the Chesse-board , a Knight was alwayes better then a Pawne : But the Vsurer myne Vnckle made it playne , that a good pawne now was better then a Knight .

At this the whole Chorus summos mouere Cachinnos , laught til they grind agen , and cal'd for a fresh gallon , all of them falling on their knees , and drawing out siluer and guilt rapyers ( the onely monuments that were left of hundreds and thousands in Pecuniis numeratis , swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes , to their howling fathers , so they might be sure the pledging should choake them , because they brought them into the Inne of the World , but left them not enough to pay their ryotous reckonings , at their going out .

The knight was glad he should carry such welcome newes with him , as these , to the clouen-footed Synagogue , and tickled with immoderate ioy , to see the world run vpon such rotten wheeles . Wherevpon , pleading the necessity of his departure , he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees , & then with a French Basilez , slipt out of their company .

But they knowing to what cape he was bound , hung vpon him , like so many beggers on an Almoner , importing , and coniuring him , by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood , and armes , and by his oath , to take vp downe-cast Ladies whom they had there in their companies , and whom they were bound in Nature and humanity , to relieue : that hee would signifie to their fathers , how course the thred of life fell out to be now towards the Fagge end : that therefore , if any of them had ( in th' dayes of his abomination , and idolatry to money ) bound the spirit of gold , by any charmes , in Caues or in iron fetters vnder the ground , they should for their own soules quiet ( which questionlesse else would whyne vp and downe ) if not for the good of their children , release it , to set vp their decay'd estates . Or if there had beene no such coniuring in their life times , that they would take vp mony of the Diuel , ( though they forfeyted their bonds ) & lay by it for euer , or els get leaue with a Keeper , to try how much they might be trusted for among their olde customers vpon earth , though within two dayes after , they proued Banke-rupts by Proclamation . The Post-master of Hell plainely told them , that if any so Seditious a fellow as gold , were cast into Prison : their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom'd : because ther 's more greedines among them below , then can be in the Hye-land countryes aboue : so that if all the Lordships in Europ were offerd in Morgage for a quarter their value , not so much as 13. pence halfe peny can be had from thence , though a man would hang himselfe for it : And as for their fathers walking abroad with keepers , alas , they lie there vpon such heauy Executions , that they cannot get out for their soules . He counsels them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer , for that these markes stand out of their reach , the ground of which counsell , they all vow to trauerse : Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baites , to catch old , ( but fleshly ) wealthy widdowes , the fire of which sophisticated loue , they make account shal not go out , so long as any drops of gold can be distil'd from them : Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of Warre , though such kind of Theeuerie bee more stale then Sea-beefe : the rest , that haue not the hearts to shed bloud , hauing reasonable stocks of wit , meane to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbes , though the Pox lyes there as deaths Legyer : For since man is the clocke of time , they 'le all be tymes Sextens , and set the Diall to what howres they list .

Our Vant'currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues , and offred to pay some of the Tauerne Items : but they protesting hee should not spend a Baw-bee , as hee was true knight consedere Duces , they sate downe to their Wine , and he hasted to the water .