Westward Ho

WEST-WARD HOE. As it hath beene diuers times Acted by the Children of Paules .

Written by Tho: Decker , and Iohn Webster .

Printed at London , and to be sold by Iohn Hodgets dwelling in Paules Churchyard . 1607 .

WEST-WARD HOE SCAENE LONDON , Actus Primus ,

Scaena Prima . Enter Mistris Birdlime and Taylour . Birdlime .

Stay Taylour , This is the House , pray thee looke the gowne be not rufled : as for the Iewels and Pretious Stones , I know where to finde them ready presently . Shee that must weare this gowne if she wil receiue it , is Maister Iustinianos wife ( the Italian Marchant ) my good old Lord and Maister , that hath beene a Tylter this twenty yeere , hath sent it . Mum Taylor , you are a kinde of Bawd . Taylor , if this Gentlewomans Husband should chance to bee in the way now , you shall tell him that I keepe a Hot-house in Gunpowder Ally ( neere crouched Fryers ) and that I haue brought home his wiues foule Linnen , and to colour my knauery the better , I have heere three or foure kindes of complexion , which I will make shewe of to sell vnto her : the young Gentlewoman hath a good Citty wit , I can tell you , shee hath red in the Italian Courtyer , that it is a speciall ornament to gentlewomen to haue skill in painting .

Taylour .

Is my Lord acquainted with her ?

Bird.

O , I .

Taylor .

Faith Mistris Birdlime I doe not commend my Lordes choyce so well : now me thinkes he were better to set vp a Dairy , and to keepe halfe a score of lusty wholesome honest Countrey Wenches .

Bird.

Honest Countrey Wenches , in what hundred shall a man find two of that simple vertue ?

Tay.

Or to loue some Lady , there were equality and coherence .

Bir.

Taylor , you talk like an asse , I tel thee ther is equality inough betweene a Lady and a Citty dame , if their haire be but of a colour : name you any one thing that your cittizens wife coms short of to your Lady . They haue as pure Linnen , as choyce painting , loue greene Geese in spring , Mallard and Teale in the fall , and Woodcocke in winter . Your Cittizens wife learnes nothing but fopperies of your Ladie , but your Lady or Iustice-a-peace Madam , carries high wit from the Citty , namely , to receiue all and pay all : to awe their Husbands , to check their Husbands , to controule their husbands ; nay , they haue the tricke on t to be sick for a new gowne , or a Carcanet , or a Diamond , or so : and I wist this is better wit , then to learne how to weare a Scotch Farthingale : nay more .

Enter Prentise .

Heere comes one of the seruants : you remember Taylor that I am deafe : obserue that .

Taylor .

I thou art in that like one of our young gulles , that will not vnderstand any wrong is done him , because hee dares not answer it .

Bird.

By your leaue Batcheller : is the gentlewoman your Mistris stirring ?

Prent.

Yes she is moouing .

Bird.

What sayes he ?

Taylor .

Shee is vp .

Bird.

Where s the Gentleman your Maister , pray you ?

Pr.

Wher many women desire to haue their husbands , abroad .

Bird.

I am very thicke of hearing .

Prent.

Why abroad ? you smell of the Bawd .

Bird.

I pray you tell her here s an olde Gentlewoman would speake with her .

Prent.

So .

Tay.

What , will you be deafe to the gentlewoman when shee comes to ?

Bird.

O no , shee s acquainted well inough with my knauery .

Enter the Marchants Wife .

She comes .

How do you sweet Ladie ?

Ma. Wife .

Lady .

Bird.

By Gods me I hope to call you Lady eare you dye , what mistris do you sleepe well on nights .

M. Wife .

Sleepe , I as quietly as a Clyent hauing great businesse with Lawyers .

Bir.

Come , I am come to you about the old suit : my good Lord and maister hath sent you a veluet gowne heare : doe you like the colour ? three pile , a pretty fantasticall trimming , I would God you would say it by my troth . I dreamt last night , you lookt so prettily , so sweetly , me thought so like the wisest Lady of them al , in a veluet gowne .

M. Wife .

What s the forepart ?

Bird.

A very pretty stuffe , I know not the name of your forepart , but t is of a haire colour .

M. Wife .

That it was my hard fortune , beeing so well brought vp , hauing so great a portion to my marriage , to match so vnluckily ? Why my husband and his whole credit is not worth my apparell , well , I shall vndergoe a strange report in leauing my husband .

Bird.

Tush , if you respect your credit , neuer thinke of that , for beauty couets tich apparell , choyce dyet , excellent Physicke , no German Clock no Mathematicall Ingin : whatsoeuer requires so much reparation as a womans face , and what meanes hath your Husband to allow sweet Docter Glister-pipe , his pention . I haue heard that you haue threescore Smocks , that cost three poundes a Smocke , will these smockes euer hold out with your husband ? no , your linnen and your apparell must turne ouer a new-leafe ▪ I can tell you .

Tay.

O admirable Bawd ? O excellent Birdline ?

Bird.

I haue heard he loued you before you were marryed intyrely , what of that ? I haue euer found it most true in myne owne experyence , that they which are most violent dotards before their marryage are most voluntary Coucouldes after . Many are honest , either because they haue not wist , or because they haue ▪ not opportunity to be dishonest , and this Italian your Husbands Countryman , holdes it impossible any of their Ladies should be excellent witty , and not make the vttermost vse of their beauty , will you be a foole then ?

M. Wife

Thou do'st perswade me to Ill , very well .

Bird.

You are nice and peeuish , how long will you holde out thinke you ? not so long as Ostend . Enter Iustiniano the Marchant . ' Passion of me , your husband ? Remember that I am deafe , and that I come to sell you complexion : truely Mistris I will deale very reasonably with you .

Iust.

What are you ? Say ye ?

Bird.

I forsooth .

Iust.

What my most happy wife ?

Ma. Wife

Why your Iealiousie ?

Iust.

Iealiousie : in faith I do not feare to loose that I haue lost already : What are you ?

Bird.

Please your good worship I am a poor Gentlewoman , that cast away my selfe vppon an vnthrifty Captaine , that liues now in Ireland , I am faine to picke out a poore liuing with selling complexion , to keepe the frailty ( as they say ) honest .

Iusti.

What s he ? complexion to ? you are a bawd .

Bird.

I thanke your good worship for it .

Iust. Do not I know these tricks , That which thou makest a colour for thy sinne , Hath beene thy first vndoing ? painting , painting . Bird.

I haue of all sorts forsooth ? Heere is the burned powder of a Hogs Iaw-bone , to be laide with the Oyle of white Poppy , an excellent Fucus to kill Morphew , weede out Freckles , and a most excellent ground-worke for painting ; Heere is Ginimony likewise burnt , and puluerized , to be mingled with the iuyce of Lymmons , sublimate Mercury , and two spoonefuls of the flowers of Brimstone , a most excellent receite to cure the flushing in the face .

Iusti.

Doe you heare , if you haue any businesse to dispatch with that deafe goodnesse there , pray you take leaue : opportunity , that which most of you long for ( though you neuer bee with Child ) opportunity ? I le find some idle businesse in the mean time , I wil , I will in truth , you shall not neede feare me , or you may speake French , most of your kinds can vnderstand French : god buy you . Being certaine thou art false : sleepe , sleepe my braine , for doubt was onely that , which fed my paine .

Exit Iust. Ma. Wife .

You see what a hel I liue in , I am resolu'd to leaue him .

Bird.

O the most fortunat Gentlewoman , that will be so wise , and so , so prouident , the Caroche shall come .

M. Wife .

At what houre ?

Bird.

Iust when women & vintners are a conivring at midnight . O the entertainment my Lord will make you , sweet Wines , lusty dyet , perfumed linnen , soft beds , O most fortunat Gentlewoman .

Enter Iustiniano . Iust.

Haue you done ? haue you dispatch ? t is well , and in troth what was the motion ?

M. Wife .

Motion , what motion ?

Iusti.

Motion , why like the motion in law , that staies for a day of hearing , yours for a night of hearing . Come le ts not haue April in your eyes I pray you , it shewes a wanton month followes your weeping ? Loue a woman for her teares ? Let a man loue Oisters for their water , for women though they shoulde weepe licour enough to serue a Dyer , or a Brewer , yet they may bee as stale as Wenches , that trauaile euery second tyde betweene Graues ende , and Billingsgate .

Ma. Wife .

This madnesse shewes very well .

Iust.

Why looke you , I am wonderous merry , can any man discerne by my face , that I am a Cuckold ? I haue known many suspected for men of this misfortune ; when they haue walkt thorow the streetes , weare their hats ore their eye-browes , like pollitick penthouses , which commonly make the shop of a Mercer , or a Linnen Draper , as dark as a roome in Bedlam . His cloak shrouding his face , as if he were a Neopolitan that had lost his beard in Aprill , and if he wa'k through the street , or any other narrow read ( as t is rate to meete a Cuckold ) hee duckes at the penthouses , like an Antient that dares not flourish at the oath taking of the Pretor , for feare of the signe-posts ? Wife , wife , do I any of these ? Come what newes from his Lordship ? has not his Lordships vertue once gone against the haire , and coueted corners .

M. Wife .

Sir , by my soule I will be plaine with you .

Iust.

Except the forehead deere wife , except the forehead .

Ma. Wife .

The Gentleman you spake of hath often solicited my loue , and hath receiued from me most chast denials .

Iust.

I , I , prouoking resistance , t is as if you come to buy wares in the Citty , bid mony for t , your Mercer , or Gold-smith sayes , truely I cannot take it , lets his customer passe his stall ; next , nay perhaps two , or three , but if he finde he is not prone to returne of himselfe , hee cals him backe , and backe , and takes his mony : so you my deere wife , ( O the pollicy of women , and Tradsmen : thei le bite at any thing . )

M. Wife .

What would you haue me do ? all your plate and most part of your Iewels are at pawne , besides I heare you haue made ouer all your estate to men in the Towne heer ? What would you haue me do ? would you haue mee turne common sinner , or sell my apparell to my wastcoat and become a Landresse ?

Iust.

No Landresse deere wife , though your credit would goe farre with Gentlemen for taking vp of Linnen : no Landresse ?

M. Wife .

Come , come , I will speake as my misfortune prompts me , Iealiousie hath vndone many a Cittizen , it hath vndone you , and me . You married me from the seruice of an honorable Lady , and you knew what matches I mought haue had , what woulde you haue me to do ? I would I had neuer seene your eies , your eies .

Iust.

Very good , very good .

M. Wife .

Your prodigality , your diceing , your riding abroad , your consorting your selfe with Noble men , your building a summer house hath vndone vs , hath vndoone vs ? What would you haue me doe ?

Iusti.

Any thing : I haue sold my House , and the wares in t ? I am going for Stoad next tide , what will you do now wife ?

Ma. Wife .

Haue you indeed ?

Iust.

I by this light als one , I haue done as some Cittizens at thirty , and most heires at three and twenty , made all away , why doe you not aske me now what you shall do ?

Ma. Wife .

I haue no counsell in your voiage , neither shall you haue any in mine .

Iust.

To his Lordship : wil you not wife ?

Ma. Wif.

Euen whether my misfortune leades me .

Iusti.

Goe , no longer will I make my care thy prison .

M. Wife .

O my fate ; well sir , you shall answere for this sinne which you force mee to ; fare you well , let not the world condemne me , if I seeke for mine owne maintenance .

Iust.

So , so .

M. Wife .

Do not send me any letters ; do not seeke any reconcilement . By this light I le receiue none , if you will send mee my apparell so , if not choose , I hope we shall near meete more .

Exit Ma. Wife . Iusti.

So , farewell the acquaintance of all the mad Deuils that haunt Iealiousie , why should a man bee such an asse to play the antick for his wiues appetite ? Immagine that I , or any other great man haue on a veluet Night-cap , and put case that this night-cap be to little for my eares or forehead , can any man tell mee where my Night-cap wringes me , except I be such an asse to proclaime it ; Well , I do play the foole with my misfortune very handsomly . I am glad that I am certaine of my wiues dishonesty ; for a secret strumpet , is like mines prepard to ruine goodly buildings . Farewel my care , I haue told my wife I am going for Stoad ; that s not my course , for I resolue to take some shape vpon me , and to liue disguised heere in the Citty ; they say for one Cuckolde to knowe that his friend is in the like head-ake , and to giue him counsell , is as if there were two partners , the one to bee arrested , the other to baile him : my estate is made ouer to . My friends , that doe verily beleeue , I meane to leaue England . Haue amongst you Citty dames ? You that are indeede the fittest , and most proper persons for a Comedy , nor let the world lay any imputation vpon my disguise , for Court , Citty , and Countrey , are meerely as maskes one to the other , enuied of some , laught at of others , and so to my comicall businesse .

Exit Iustininane . Enter Maister Tenterhooke , his Wife , Maister Monopoly , a Scrivener and a Casheire . Ten.

Moll .

What would hart ?

Tenter.

Where s my Casheire , are the summes right ? Are the bonds seald ?

Seruant .

Yea sir .

Tent.

Will you haue the bags seald ?

Mono.

O no sir , I must disburs instantly ▪ we that be Courtyers haue more places to send mony to , then the diuell hath to send his spirits : there s a great deale of light gold .

Tent.

O sir , t will away in play , and you will stay till to morrow you shall haue it all in new soueraignes .

Mony .

No , in-troth t is no matter , t will away in play , let me see the bond ? let me see when this mony is to bee paid ? the tenth of August . The first day that I must tender this mony , is the first of Dog-daies .

Scriue.

I feare t will be hot staying for you in London then .

Tent.

Scriuener , take home the bond with you . Will you stay to dinner sir ? Haue you any Partridge Moll ?

Moll .

No in-troth hart , but an excellent pickeld Goose , a new seruice : pray you stay .

Mono.

Sooth I cannot : by this light I am so infinitly , so vnboundably beholding to you ?

Tent.

Well Signior , I le leaue you ; My cloake there ?

Moll .

When will you come home hart ?

Tent.

Introth selfe I know not , a friend of yours and mine hath broke .

Moll .

Who sir ?

Tent.

Maister Justiniano the Italian .

Moll .

Broke sir .

Tent.

Yea sooth , I was offred forty yesterday vpon the Exchange , to assure a hundred .

Mol.

By my troth I am sorry .

Tent.

And his wife is gone to the party .

Mol.

Gone to the party ? O wicked creature ?

Tent.

Farewell good maister Monopoly , I pre-thee visit mee ofen .

Exit Tenter . Mono.

Little Moll , send away the fellow ?

Mol.

Phill . Phillip .

Seruant .

Heere forsooth .

Moll .

Go into Bucklers-bury and fetch me two ounces of preserued Melounes , looke there be no Tobacco taken in the shoppe when he weighes it .

Ser.

I forsooth .

Mono.

What doe you eate preserued Melonnes for Moll ?

Mol.

Introth for the shaking of the hart , I haue heere sometime such a shaking , and downwards such a kind of earth-quake ( as it were . )

Mono.

Doe you heare , let your man carry home my mony to the ordinary , and lay it in my Chamber , but let him not tell my host that it is mony : I owe him but forty pound , and the Rogue is hasty , he will follow me when he thinks I haue mony , and pry into me as Crowes perch vpon Carion , and when he hath found it out , prey vpon me as Heraldes do vpon Funerals .

Mol.

Come , come , you owe much mony in Towne : when you haue forfeited your bond , I shall neare see you more ?

Mono.

You are a Monky , I le pay him for 's day : I le see you tomorrow to .

Moll .

By my troth I loue you very honestly , you were neuer the gentleman offred any vnciuility to me , which is strange methinks in one that comes from beyond Seas , would I had giuen a Thousand pound I could not loue thee so .

Mono.

Do you heare , you shall faine some scuruy dysease or other , and go to the Bath next spring , Enter Mistris Honisuckle , and Mistris Wafer . I le meete you there .

Hony .

By your leaue sweet mistris Tenterhooke .

Mol.

O , how dost partner ?

Mono.

Gentlewomen I stayed for a most happy wind , and now the breath from your sweet , sweet lips , should set me going : good mistris Honisuckle ; good mistris Wafer , good mistris Tenterhooke , I will pray for you , that neither riuallshippe in loues , purenesse of painting , or riding out of town , not acquainting each other withit , be a cause your sweet beautyes do fall out , and raile one vpon another .

Wafer .

Raile sir , we do not vse to raile .

Mono.

Why mistris , railing is your mother tongue as well as lying .

Hony .

But , do you thinke we can fall out ?

Mono.

In troth beauties ( as one spake seriously ) that there was no inheritance in the amity of Princes , so thinke I of Women , too often interviewes amongst women , as amongst Princes , breeds enuy oft to others fortune , there is only in the amity of women an estate for will , and euery puny knowes that is no certaine inheritance .

Wafer .

You are merry sir .

Mono.

So may I leaue you most fortunat gentlewoman .

Exit . Moll .

Loue shoots heare .

Waf.

Tenterhooke , what Gentleman is that gon out , is he a man ?

Hony .

O God and an excellent Trumpetter , He came lately from the vniuersity , and loues Citty dames only for their victuals , he hath an excellent trick to keepe Lobsters and Crabs sweet in summer , and cals it a deuise to prolong the dayes of shel-fish , for which I do suspect he hath beene Clarke to some Noblemans kitchen . I haue heard he neuer loues any Wench , tell shee bee as stale as Frenchmen eate their wilde foule , I shall anger her .

Mol.

How stale good Mistris nimble-wit ?

Hony .

Why as stale as a Country Ostes , an Exchange Sempster , or a Court Landresse .

Mol.

He is your consin , how your tongue runs ?

Hony .

Talke and make a noise , no matter to what purpose , I haue learn'd that with going to puritan Lectures . I was yesterday at a banquet , wil you discharge my ruffes of some wafers , and how doth thy husband Wafer ?

Waf.

Faith very well .

Hony .

He is iust like a Torch bearer to Maskers , he wears good cloathes , and is rankt in good company , but he doth nothing : thou art faine to take al , and pay all .

Mol.

The more happy she , would I could make such an asse of my husband to . I heare say he breeds thy childe in his teeth euerie yeare .

Waf.

In faith he doth .

Hony .

By my troth t is pitty but the foole shoulde haue the other two paines incident to the head .

Waf.

What are they ?

Hony .

Why the head-ake and horne-ake . I heard say that he would haue had thee nurst thy Childe thy selfe to .

Waf.

That he would truely .

Honr.

Why there s the policy of husbands to keepe their Wines in . I doe assure you if a Woman of any markeable face in the Worlde giue her Childe sucke , looke how many wrinckles be in the Nipple of her breast , so many will bee in her forheade by that time twelue moneth : but sirra , we are come to acquaint thee with an excellent secret : we two learne to write .

Mol.

To write ?

Hony .

Yes beleeue it , and wee haue the finest Schoole maister , a kind of Precision , and yet an honest knaue to : by my troth if thou beest a good wench let him teach thee , thou mayst send him of any arrant , and trust him with any secret ; nay , to see how demurely he will beare himselfe before our husbands , and how iocand when their backes are turn'd .

Mol.

For Gods loue let me see him .

Waf.

To morrow wee le send him to thee : til then sweet Tenterhook we leaue thee , wishing thou maist haue the fortune to change thy name often .

Mol.

How ? change my name ?

Waf.

I , for theeues and widdowes loue to shift many names , and make sweet vse of it to .

Mol.

O you are a wag indeed . Good Wafer remember my school master . Farewel good Honysuckle .

Hony .

Farewel Tenterhooke .

Exeunt .

Actus Secundus

Scaena Prima . Enter Boniface a prentice brushing his Maisters cloake and Cappe . singing Enter Master Honisuckle in his night-cap trussing himselfe . Hony .

Boniface , make an ende of my cloake and Cap .

Bon.

I haue dispatch em Sir : both of them lye flat at your mercie .

Hony .

Fore-god me thinkes my ioynts are nimbler euery Morning since I came ouer then they were before . In France when I rise , I was so stiffe , and so starke , I would ha sworne my Legs had beene wodden pegs : a Constable new chosen kept not such a peripateticall gate : But now I 'me as Lymber as an Antiant that has flourisht in the raine , and as Actiue as a Norfolk tumbler .

Bon.

You may see , what change of pasture is able to doe .

Hony .

It makes fat Calues in Rumny Marsh , and leane knaues in London : therefore Boniface keepe your ground : Gods my pitty , my forehead has more cromples , then the back part of a counsellors gowne , when another rides vppon his necke at the barre : Boniface take my helmet : giue your mistris my night-cap . Are my Antlers swolne so big that my biggen pinches my browes . So , request her to make my head-piece a little wyder .

Bon.

How much wider sir .

Hony .

I can allow her almost an ynch : go , tell her so , very neere an inch .

Bon.

If she bee a right Cittizens wife , now her Husband has giuen her an inch , shee le take an ell , or a yard at least .

Exit . Enter Signior Iustiniano the Merchant , like a wryting Mecanicall Pedant . Hony .

Maister Parenthesis ! Salue , Salue Domine .

Iusti.

Salue tu quoque Iubeo te saluere plurimum .

Hon.

No more Plurimums if you loue me , lattin whole-meates are nowe minc'd , and serude in for English Gallimafries : Let vs therefore cut out our vplandish Neates tongues , and talke like regenerate Brittains .

Iust.

Your worship is welcome to England : I powrd out Orisons for your arriuall .

Hony .

Thanks good maister Parenthesis : and Que nouelles : what newes flutters abroad ? doe Iack-dawes dung the top of Paules Steeple still .

Iusti.

The more is the pitty , if any dawes do come into the temple , as I feare they do .

Hony .

They say Charing-crosse is falne downe , since I went to Rochell : but that s no such wonder , t was old , and stood awry ( as most part of the world can tel . ) And tho it lack vnder-propping , yet ( like great fellowes at a wrastling ) when their heeles are once flying vppe , no man will saue em ; downe they fall , and there let them lye , tho they were bigger then the Guard : Charing-crosse was olde , and olde thinges must shrinke aswell as new Northern cloth .

Iust.

Your worship is in the right way verily : they must so , but a number of better things between Westminster bridge and temple barre both of a worshipfull , and honorable erection , are falne to decay , and haue suffred putrifaction , since Charing fell , that were not of halfe so long standing as the poore wry-neckt Monument .

Hony .

Whos 's within there ? One of you call vp your mistris ! tell her heere s her wryting Schoolemaster . I had not thought master Parenthesis you had bin such an early stirrer .

Iusti.

Sir , your vulgar and foure-peny-pen-men , that like your London Sempsters keepe open shop , and sell learning by retaile , may keepe their beds , and lie at their pleasure : But we that edifie in priuate , and traffick by whole sale , must be vp with the lark , because like Country Atturnies , wee are to shuffle vp many matters in a fore-noone . Certes maister Honisuckle , I would sing Laus Deo , so I may but please al those that come vnder my fingers : for it is my duty and function , Perdy , to be feruent in my vocation .

Ho.

Your hand : I am glad our Citty has so good , so necessary , and so laborious a member in it : we lacke painfull and expert penmen amongst vs . Maister Parenthesis you teach many of our Merchants sir , do you not ?

Iust.

Both Wiues , Maides , and Daughters : and I thanke God , the very worst of them lye by very good mens sides : I picke out a poore liuing amongst em , and I am thankefull for it .

Ho.

Trust me I am not sorry : how long haue you exercizd this quality ?

Iust.

Come Michaell-tide next , this thirteene yeare .

Ho.

And how does my wife profit vnder you sir ? hope you to do any any good vpon her .

Iust.

Maister Honisuckle I am in great hope shee shall fructify : I will do my best for my part : I can do no more then another man can .

Hony .

Pray sir ply her , for she is capable of any thing .

Iust.

So far as my poore tallent can stretch , It shall not be hidden from her .

Hony .

Does she hold her pen well yet ?

Iusti.

She leanes somewhat too hard vppon her pen yet sir , but practise and animaduersion will breake her from that .

Hony .

Then she grubs her pen .

Iusti.

It s but my paines to mend the neb agen .

Hony .

And where abouts is shee now maister Parenthesis ? Shee was talking of you this morning , and commending you in her bed , and told me she was past her letters .

Iust.

Truely sir she tooke her letters very suddenly : and is now in her Minoms .

Hony .

I would she were in her Crotchets too maister Parenthesis : ha-ha , I must talke merily sir .

Iusti.

Sir so long as your mirth bee voyde of all Squirrility , t is not vnfit for your calling : I trust ere few daies bee at an end to haue her fal to her ioyning : for she has her letters ad vnguem : her A. her great B. and her great C. very right D. and E. dilicate : hir double F. of a good length , but that it straddels a little to wyde : at the G. very cunning .

Hony .

Her H. is full like mine : a goodly big H.

Iusti.

But her : double LL is wel : her O. of a reasonable Size : at her p. and q. neither Marchantes Daughter , Aldermans Wife , young countrey Gentlewoman , nor Courtiers Mistris , can match her .

Hony .

And how herv .

Iust.

You sir , She fetches vp you best of al : her single you she can fashion two or three waies : but her double you , is as I would wish it .

Ho.

And faith who takes it faster ; my wife , or mistris Tenterhook ?

Iust.

Oh! Your wife by ods : shee le take more in one hower , then I can fasten either vpon mistris Tenterhooke , or mistris Wafer , or Mistris Flapdragon ( the Brewers wife ) in three .

Enter Iudyth , Honysuckle his wife . Hony .

Do not thy cheekes burne sweete chuckaby , for wee are talking of thee .

Iud.

No goodnesse I warrant : you haue few Cittizens speake well of their wiues behind their backs : but to their faces thei le cog worse and be more suppliant , then Clyents that sue in forma paper : how does my master ? troth I am a very trewant : haue you your Ruler about you maister ? for look you , I go cleane awry .

Iusti.

A small fault : most of my schollers do so : looke you sir , do not you thinke your wife will mend : marke her dashes , & her strokes , and her breakings , and her bendings ?

Hony .

She knowes what I haue promist her if shee doe mende : say by my fay Iude , this is well , if you would not flie out thus , but keepe your line .

Iud.

I shal in time when my hand is in : haue you a new pen for mee Maister , for by my truly , my old one is stark naught , and wil cast no inck : whether are you going lamb ?

Hony .

To the Custome-house : to the Change , to my Warehouse , to diuers places .

Iud.

Good Cole tarry not past eleuen , for you turne my stomak then from my dinner .

Hony .

I wil make more hast home , then a Stipendary Swizzer does after hee s paid , fare you well Maister Parenthesis .

Iud.

I am so troubled with the rheume too : Mouse what s good for t ?

Hony .

How often haue I tolde you , you must get a patch . I must hence .

Exit . Iud.

I thinke when als done I must follow his counsell , and take a patch , I haue had one long ere this , but for disfiguring my face : yet I had noted that a masticke patch vpon some womens Temples , hath bin the very rheuwme of beauty .

Iust.

Is he departed ? Is old Nestor marcht into Troy ?

Iud.

Yes you mad Greeke : the Gentleman s gone .

Iust.

Why then clap vp coppy-bookes : downe with pens , hang vp inckhornes , and nowe my sweete Honisuckle , see what golden-winged Bee from Hybla , flies humming , with Crura thymo plena , which he wil empty in the Hiue of your bosome .

Iud.

From whom .

Iust.

At the skirte of that sheete in blacke worke is wrought hys name , breake not vp the wildfoule , till anon , and then feed vpon him in priuate : there s other irons i' th fire : more sackes are comming to the Mill , O you sweet temptations of the sonnes of Adam , I commende you , extol you , magnifie you : Were I a Poet by Hipocrene I sweare , ( which was a certaine Well where all the Muses watred ) and by Pernassus eke I sweare , I would rime you to death with praises , for that you can bee content to lye with olde men all night for their mony , and walk to your gardens with yong men i' th day time for your pleasure : Oh you delicat damnations : you do but as I wud do : were I the proprest , sweetest , plumpest , Cherry-cheekt , Corrall-lipt woman in a kingdome , I would not daunce after one mans pipe .

Iud.

And why ?

Iust.

Especially after an old mans .

Iud.

And why , pray !

Iust.

Especially after an old Cittizens .

Iud.

Still , and why .

Iust.

Marry because the Suburbes , and those without the bars , haue more priuiledge then they within the freedome : what need one woman do ate vpon one Man ? Or one man be mad like Orlando for one woman .

Iud.

Troth t is true , considering how much flesh is in euery Shambles .

Iust.

Why should I long to eate of Bakers bread onely , when there s so much Sifting , and bolting , and grynding in euery corner of the Citty ; men and women are borne , and come running into the world faster then Coaches doe into Cheap-side vppon Symon and Iudes day : and are eaten vp by Death faster , then Mutton and porridge in a terme time . Who would pin their hearts to any Sleeue : this world is like a Mynt , we are no sooner cast into the fire , taken out agen , hamerd , stampt , and made Currant , but presently wee are changde : the new Mony ( like a new Drab ) is catcht at by Dutch , Spanish , Welch , French , Scotch , and English : but the old crackt King Harry groates are shoueld vp , feele bruzing , and battring , clipping , and melting , they smoake sort .

Iud.

The worlds an Arrant naughty-pack I see , and is a very scuruy world .

Iust.

Scuruy ? worse then the conscience of a Broomeman , that carryes out new ware , and brings home old shoes : a naughty-packe ? Why there s no Minute , no thought of time passes , but some villany or other is a brewing : why , euen now , now , at holding vp of this finger , and before the turning downe of this , some are murdring , some lying with their maides , some picking of pockets , some cutting purses , some cheating , some weying out bribes . In this Citty some wiues are Cuckolding some Husbands . In yonder Village some farmers are now-now grynding the Iawbones of the poore : therefore sweete Scholler , sugred Mistris Honisuckle , take Summer before you , and lay hold of it ? why , euen now must you and I hatch an egge of iniquity .

Iud.

Troth maister I thinke thou wilt proue a very knaue .

Iust.

It s the fault of many that fight vnder this band .

Iud.

I shall loue a Puritans face the worse whilest I liue for that Coppy of thy countenance .

Iust.

We are all wethercocks , and must follow the winde of the present : from the byas .

Iud.

Change a bowle then .

Iust.

I will so ; and now for a good cast : there s the Knight , sir Goson Glo-worme .

Iud.

Hee s a Knight made out of waxe .

Iust.

He tooke vp Silkes vppon his bond I confesse : nay more , hee s a knight in print : but let his knight-hood be of what stamp it will , from him come I , to intreate you , and Mistris Wafer , and mistris Tenterhook , being both my schollers , and your honest pew fellowes , to meet him this afternoon at the Rhenesh-wine-house i th Stillyard . Captaine Whirlepoole will be there , young Lynstock the Alder-mans Son and Heire , there too , will you steale forth , & tast of a Dutch Bun , and a Keg of Sturgeon .

Iud.

What excuse shall I coyne now ?

Iust.

Few excuses : You must to the pawne to buy Lawne : to Saint Martins for Lace ; to the Garden : to the Glasse-house ; to your Gossips : to the Powlters : else take out an old ruffe , and go to your Sempsters : excuses ? Why , they are more ripe then medlers at Christmas .

Iud.

I le come . The hower .

Iust.

Two : the way-through Paules : euery wench take a piller , there clap on your Maskes : your men will bee behind you , and before your prayers be halfe don , be before you , & man you out at seuerall doores . You le be there ?

Iud.

If I breath .

Exit . Iud.

Farewell . So : now must I goe set the tother Wenches the selfe same Coppy . A rare Scholemaister , for all kind of handes , I . Oh : What strange curses are powred downe with one blessing ? Do all tread on the heele ? Haue all the art to hood-winke wise men thus ? And ( like those builders of Babels Tower ) to speake vnknowne tongues . Of all ( saue by their husbands ) vnderstood : Well , if ( as Iuy bout the Elme does twine )

All wiues loue clipping , there s no fault in mine . But if the world lay speechles , euen the dead Would rise , and thus cry out from yawning graues , Women make men , or Fooles , or Beasts , or Slaues . Exit .

Scaena 2. Enter Earle and Mistris Birdlime . Earle .

Her answer ! talke in musick : Wil she come ?

Bird.

Oh my sides ake in my loines , in my bones ? I ha more need of a posset of sacke , and lie in my bed and sweate , than to talke in musick : no honest woman would run hurrying vp & down thus and vndoe her selfe for a man of honour , without reason ? I am so lame , euery foot that I set to the ground went to my hart . I thoght I had bin at Mum-chance my bones ratled so with iaunting ? had it not bin for a friend in a corner . Takes Aqua-vitae . I had kickt vp my heeles .

Earl .

Minister comfort to me , Wil she come .

Bird.

All the Castles of comfort that I can put you into is this , that the iealous wittal her husband , came ( like a mad Oxe ) belowing in whilst I was ther . Oh I ha lost my sweet breth with trotting .

Earl .

Death to my hart ? her husband ? What saith he ?

Bird.

The freeze-lerkin Rascal out with his purse , and cal'd me plaine Bawd to my face .

Earl .

Affliction to me , then thou spak'st not to her ?

Bird.

I spake to her , as Clients do to Lawiers without money ( to no purpose ) but I le speak with him , and hamper him to , if ever he fall into my clutches : I le make the yellow-hammer her husband knowe , ( for all hee s an Italian ) that there s a difference betweene a cogging Baud and an honest motherly gentlewoman . Now , what cold whetstones ly ouer your stomacher ? wil you haue some of my Aqua ? Why my Lord .

Earl .

Thou hast kild me with thy words .

Bird.

I see bashful louers and young bullockes are knockt down at a blow : Come , come ▪ drinke this draught of Cynamon water , and plucke vp your spirits : vp with em , vp with em . Do you hear , the whiting mop has nibled .

Earl .

Ha ?

Bird .

Oh ? I thought I should fetch you : you can Ha at that : I le make you Hem anon . As I 'me a sinner I think you l find the sweetest , sweetest bedfellow of her . Oh! she lookes so sugredly , so simpringly , so gingerly , so amarously , so amiably . Such a redde lippe , such a White foreheade , such a blacke eie , such a full cheeke , and such a goodly little nose , nowe shee s in that French gowne , Scotch fals , Scotch bum , and Italian head-tire you sent her , and is such an intycing shee-witch , carrying the charmes of your Iewels about her . Oh !

Earl .

Did she receiue them ? speake : Here s is golden keyes T' vnlock thy lips . Did she vouchsafe to take them ?

Bird.

Did she vouchsafe to take them , ther s a question : you shall find she did vouchsafe : The troath is my Lord , I gotte her to my house , there she put off her own cloths my Lord and put on yours my Lord , prouided her a Coach , Searcht the middle I le in Pawles , and with three Elizabeth twelue-pences prest three knaues my L. hirde three Liueries in Long-lane , to man her : for al which so God mend me , I 'me to paie this night before Sun-set .

Earl ,

This showre shall fil them all raine in their laps , what golden drops thou wilt .

Bird.

Alas my Lord , I do but receiue it with one hand , to pay it away with another , I 'me but your Baily .

Earl .

Where is she ?

Bird.

In the greene veluet Chamber ; the poore sinneful creature pants like a pigeon vnder the hands of a Hawke , therefore vse her like a woman my Lord : vse her honestly my Lorde , for alas shee s but a Nouice , and a verie greene thinge .

Earl .

Farewel : I le in vnto her .

Bird.

Fie vpon t , that were not for your honor : you know gentlewomen vse to come to Lords chambers , and not Lordes to the Gentlewomens ; I de not haue her thinke you are such a Rank-ryder : walke you heere : I le becken , you shal see i le fetch her with a wet finger ?

Earl .

Do so .

Bird.

Hyst ? why sweet heart , mistris Iustiniano , why prettie soule tread softlie , and come into this roome : here be rushes , you neede not feare the creaking of your corke shooes . Enter Mistris Iustiniano . So , wel saide , there s his honour . I haue busines my Lord , very now the marks are set vp : I le get me 12.score off , and giue Ayme .

Exit . Earl . Y are welcome : Sweet y' are welcome . Blesse my hand With the soft touch of yours : Can you be Cruell To one so Prostrate to you ? Euen my Hart , My Happines , and State lie at your feet : My Hopes me flattered that the field was woon , That you had yeilded , ( tho you Conquer me ) And that all Marble scales that bard your eies From throwing light on mine , were quite tane off , By the Cunning Womans hand , that Workes for me , Why therefore do you wound me now with frownes ? Why do you flie me ? Do not exercise The Art of woman on me ? I 'me already Your Captiue : Sweet ! Are these your hate , or feares . Mist. Iust. I wonder lust can hang at such white haires . Earl . You giue my loue ill names , It is not lust : Lawlesse desires wel tempred may seem Iust

A thousand mornings with the early Sunne , mine eies haue from your windowes watcht to steale brightnes from those . As oft vpon the daies that Consecrated to deuotion are , Within the Holy Temple haue I stood disguis'd , waiting your presence : and when your hands went vp towards heauen to draw some blessing down , Mine ( as if all my Nerues by yours did moue , )

Beg'd in dum Signes some pitty for my Loue , And thus being feasted onely with your fight , I went more pleased then sickmen with fresh health , Rich men with Honour , Beggers do with wealth . Mist. Iust. Part now so pleas'd , for now you more Inioy me . Earl . O you do wish me Phisicke to destroy me . Mist , Iust.

I haue already leapt beyond the bounds of modesty , In piecing out my wings with borrowed feathers : but you sent a Sorceres so perfect in her trade , that did so liuely breath forth your passionate Accents , and could drawe a Louer languishing so piercingly , that her charmes wrought vppon me , and in pitty of your sick hart which she did Counterfet , ( Oh shee s a subtle Beldam ! ) See I cloth'd my limbes ( thus Player-like in Rich Attyres , not fitting mine estate , and am come forth , but why I know not ?

Earl .

Will you Loue me ?

Mist. Iust. Yes , If you can cleare me of a debt that s due but to one Man , I le pay my hart to thee . Earl . Whos 's that ? Mist. Iust. My Husband . Earl . Vmh . Mist Iust. The sums so great I know a kingdome cannot answer it , And therefore I beseech you good my Lord , To take this gilding off , which is your owne , And henceforth cease to throw out golden hookes To choake mine honor : tho my husbands poore , I le rather beg for him , then be your Whore . Earl .

Gainst beauty you plot treason , if you suffer tears to do violence to so faire a Cheeke . That face was nere made to looke pale with want . Dwell heere and bee the Soueraigne of my fortunes . Thus shall you go attir'd .

Mist. Iust.

Till lust be tir'd . I must take leaue my Lord .

Earl . Sweet Creature stay , My Cofers shall be yours , my Seruants yours ,

My selfe wil be your seruant , and I sweare by that which I houlde deare in you , your beauty ( and which I le not prophane ) you shall liue heere as free from base wrong , as you are from blackenesse , so you will deigne , but let mee inioy your sight , Answere mee will you .

Mist. Iust.

I will thinke vpon t .

Earl .

Vnlesse you shall perceiue , that al my thoughts , and al my actions bee to you deuoted , and that I very iustly earne your loue , Let me not tast it .

Mist. Iust.

I wil thinke vpon it .

Earl .

But when you find my merits of full weight , wil you accept their worth .

Mist Iust. I le thinke vpon t . I de speake with the old woman . Earl . She shall come , Ioyes that are borne vnlookt for , are borne dumb . Exit . Mist. Iust. Poverty , thou bane of Chastity , Poison of beauty , Broker of Mayden-heades ,

I see when Force , nor Wit can scale the hold , Wealth must . Shee le nere be won , that defies golde .

But liues there such a creature : Oh t is rare . To finde a woman chast , that s poore and faire . Enter Birdlime . Bird.

Now lamb ! has not his Honor dealt like an honest Nobleman with you . I can tel you . you shal not find him a Templer , nor one of these cogging Cattern pear-coloured-beards , that by their good wils would haue no pretty woman scape them .

Mistris . Iust. Thou art a very bawd : thou art a Diuel Cast in a reuerend shape ; thou stale damnation ! Why hast thou me intist from mine owne Paradice , To steale fruit in a barren wildernes . Bird.

Bawde and diuel , and stale damnation ! Wil womens tounges ( like Bakers legs ) neuer go straight .

Mistris . Iust. Had thy Circaean Magick me transformd Into that sensuall shape for which thou Coniurst , And that I were turn'd common Venturer , I could not loue this old man . Bird.

This old man , vmh : this old man ? doe his hoarye haires sticke in your stomacke ? yet methinkes his siluer haires shoulde mooue you , they may serue to make you Bodkins : Does his age grieue you ? foole ? Is not old wine wholesommest , olde Pippines toothsommest , old wood burne brightest , old Linnen wash whitest , old souldiors Sweet-hart are surest , and olde Louers are soundest . I hatried both .

Mistris . Iust.

So wil not I .

Bird.

You l haue some yong perfum'd beardles Gallants board you , that spits al his braines out at s tongues end , wud you not ?

Mistris . Iust.

No , none at al , not anie .

Bird.

None at al ? what doe you make there then ? why are you a burden to the worlds conscience , aud an eie-sore to wel giuen men , I dare pawne my gowne and al the beddes in my house , and al the gettings in Michaelmas terme next to a Tauerne token , that thou shalt neuer be an innocent .

Mistris . Iust.

Who are so ?

Bird.

Fools ? why then are you so precize : your husbands down the wind and wil you like a haglers Arrow , be down the weather , Strike whilst the iron is hot . A woman when there be roses in her cheekes , Cherries on her lippes , Ciuet in her breath , Iuory in her teeth , Lyllyes in her hand , and Lickorish in her heart , why shee s like a play . If new very good company , very good company , but if stale , like old Ieronimo : goe by , go by . Therefore as I said before , strike . Besides : you must thinke that the commodity of beauty was not made to lye dead vpon any young womans hands : if your husband haue giuen vp his Cloake , let another take measure of you in his Ierkin : for as the Cobler , in the night time walks with his Lanthorne , the Merchant , and the Lawyer with his Link , and the Courtier with his Torch : So euery lip has his Lettice to himselfe : the Lob has his Lasse , the Collier his Dowdy , the Westerne - man his Pug , the Seruing-man his Punke , the student his Nun in white Fryers , the Puritan his Sister , and the Lord his Lady : which worshipfull vocation may fall vppon you , if you le but strike whilest the Iron is hot .

Mist. Iust.

Witch : thus I breake thy Spels : Were I kept braue , On a Kings cost , I am but a Kings slaue .

Exit . Bird.

I see , that as Frenchmen loue to be bold , Flemings to be drunke , Welchmen to be cald Brittons , and Irishmen to be Costermongers , so , Cocknyes , ( especially Shee-Cocknies ) loue not Aqua-vite when tis-good for them .

Enter Monopoly . Mo.

Saw you my vncle ?

Bird.

I saw him euen now going the way of all flesh ( that 's to say ) towardes the Kitchin : heere s a letter to your worship from the party .

Mono.

What party ?

Bird.

The Tenterbook your wanton .

Mono.

From her ? Fewh ? pray thee stretch me no more vppon your Tenterhook : pox on her ? Are there no Pottecaries i th Town to send her Phisick-bils to , but me : Shee s not troubled with the greene sicknesse still , Is she ?

Bird.

The yellow Iaundis , as the Doctor tels me : troth shee s as good a peat : she is falne away so , that shee s nothing but bare skin and bone : for the Turtle so mournes for you .

Mono.

In blacke ?

Bird.

In black ? you shall find both black and blew if you look vnder her eyes .

Mo.

Well : sing ouer her ditty when I 'me in tune ,

Bird.

Nay , but will you send her a Box of Mithridatum and Dragon water , I meane some restoratiue words . Good Maister Monopoly you know how welcome y are to the Citty , and will you master Monopoly , keepe out of the Citty ; I know you cannot , would you saw how the poor gentlewoman lies .

Mo.

Why how lies she ?

Bird.

Troth as the way lies ouer Gads-hill , very dangerous : you would pitty a womans case if you saw her : write to her some treatise of pacification .

Mono.

I le write to her to morrow .

Bird.

To morrow ; shee le not sleepe then but tumble , and if she might haue it to night , it would better please her .

Mo.

Perhaps I le do ot to night , farewell .

Bi.

If you do ot to night , it would better please her then to morrow .

Mo.

Gods so , dost heare , I 'me to sup this night at the Lyon in Sheredich with certen gallants : canst thou not draw forth some dilicate face , that I ha not seene , and bring it thither , wut thou ?

Bird.

All the painters in London shal not fit for colour as I can ; but we shall haue some swaggering ?

Mo.

All as ciuill ( by this sight ) as Lawyers .

Bird.

But I tell you , shee s not so common as Lawyers , that I meane to betray to your Table : for as I 'me a Sinner , shee s a Knights Cozen ; a Yorkshire gentlwoman , and only speakes a little broad , but of very good carriage .

Mono.

Nay that s no matter , we can speake as broad as she ? but wut bring her ?

Bird.

You shall call her Cozen , do you see : two men shall waite vpon her , and I le come in by chance : but shall not the party bee there ?

Mono.

Which party ?

Bird.

The writer of that simple hand .

Mon.

Not for as many Angels as there be letters in her Paper : Speake not of mee to her , nor our meeting if you loue mee : wut come ?

Bird.

Mum , I le come .

Mono.

Farewell .

Bird.

Good Maister Monopoly , I hope to see you one day a man of great credite .

Mo.

If I be , I le build Chimnies with Tobacco but I le smoake some : and be sure Bird . I le sticke wooll vpon thy back .

Bird.

Thankes sir , I know you wil , for all the kinred of the Monopolies are held to be great Fleecers .

Exeunt . Enter sir Gozlin : Lynstocke , Whirlepoole , and the three Cittizens wiues maskt , Iudyth , Mabell , and Clare . Goz.

So draw those Curtaines ; and le ts see the pictures vnder em .

Lyn.

Welcome to the Stilliard faire Ladies .

All 3.

Thankes good maister Lynstocke .

Whirl.

Hans : some wine Hans .

Enter Hans with cloth and Buns . Hans . Yaw , yaw , you sall hebben it mester : Old vine , or new vine ? Goz.

Speake women .

Iud.

New wine good sir Gozlin : wine in the must , good Dutchman , for must is best for vs women .

Hans .

New vine ? vell : two pots of new vine .

Exit Hans . Iud

An honest Butterbox : for if it be old , there s none of it coms into my belly .

Mab.

Why Tenterhooke pray thee le ts dance friskin , & be mery .

Lin.

Thou art so troubled with Monopolies , they so hang at thy heart stringes .

Cla.

Pox a my hart then .

Enter Hans with Wine . Iud.

I and mine too , if any Courtier of them all set vp his gallowes there : wench vse him as thou dost thy pantables , scorne to let him kisse thy heele , for he feedes thee with nothing but Court holy bread , good words , and cares not for thee : sir Gozlin , will you tast a Dutch whatch you callum .

Mab.

Heere maister Lynstocke , halfe mine is yours . Bun , Bun , Bun , Bun .

Enter Parenthesis . Par.

Which roome ? where are they ? wo ho , ho , ho , so , ho boies .

Goz.

Sfoot whos 's that ? lock our roome .

Par.

Not till I am in : and then lock out the diuell tho he come in the shape of a puritan .

All 3.

Scholemaister , welcome ? wellcome in troth ?

Par.

Who would not bee scratcht with the bryers and brambles to haue such burs sticking on his breeches : Saue you gentlemen : O noble Knight .

Goz

More wine Hans .

Par.

Am not I ( gentlemen ) a Ferret of the right haire , that can make three Conies bolt at a clap into your pursenets ? ha ? little do their 3. husbands dreame what coppies I am setting their wiues now ? wert not a rare Iest if they should come sneaking vppon vs like a horrible noise of Fidlers .

Iud.

Troth I de not care : let em come : I de tell em , wee de ha none of their dull Musicke .

Mab.

Heere mistris Tenterhooke .

Clar.

Thanks good mistris Wafer .

Par.

Whos 's there ? Peepers : Intelligencers : Evesdroppers .

Omni.

Vds foot , throw a pot at s head ?

Par.

Oh Lord ? O Gentlemen , Knight , Ladies , that may bee , Cittizens wiues that are , shift for your selues , for a paire of your husbands heads are knocking together with Hans his , and inquiring for you . Omni . Keepe the doore lockt .

Iud.

Oh I , do , do : and let sir Gozlin ( because he has bin in the low Countries ) swear gotz Sacrament , and driue e'm away with broken Dutch .

Pa.

Here s a wench has simple Sparkes in her : shee s my pupile Gallants : Good-god ? I see a man is not sure that his wife is in the Chamber , tho his owne fingers hung on the Padlocke : Trap-doores , false Drabs , and Spring-lockes , may cozen a Couy of Constables . How the silly Husbands might heere ha beene guld with Flemish mony : Come : drinke vp Rhene , Thames and Meander dry , There s Nobody .

Iud.

Ah thou vngodly maister .

Par.

I did but make a false fire , to try your vallor , because you cryed let em come . By this glasse of womans wine , I would not ha seene their Spirits walke heere , to bee dubd deputy of a Ward , I , they would ha Chronicled me for a Foxe in a Lambes skin : But come : Is this merry Midsomer night agreed vpon ? when shal it be ? where shall it be ?

Lynst.

Why faith to morrow at night .

Whirle.

Wee le take a Coach and ride to Ham , or so .

Tent.

O fie vpon t : a Coach ? I cannot abide to be iolted .

Mab.

Yet most of your Cittizens wiues loue iolting ?

Goz.

What say you to Black-wall , or Lime-house ?

Iud.

Euery roome there smels to much of Tar .

Lynst.

Let s to mine host Dogbolts at Brainford then , there you are out of eyes , out of eares ▪ priuate roomes , sweet Lynen , winking attendance , and what cheere you will ?

Omni.

Content , to Bramford ?

Mab.

I , I , le ts go by water , for sir Gozlin I haue heard you say you loue to go by water .

Iud.

But wenches , with what pullies shall wee slide with some clenly excuse , out of our husbandes suspition , being gone Westward for smelts all night .

Par.

That s the blocke now we all stumble at : Winde vp that string well , and all the consorts in tune .

Iud.

Why then goodman scraper t is wound vp , I haue it . Sirra Wafer , thy childe s at nurse , if you that are the men could prouide some wise asse that could keepe his countenance .

Par.

Nay if he be an Asse he will keepe his countenance .

Iud.

I , but I meane , one that could set out his tale with audacity , and say that the child were sick , and neare stagger at it : That last should serue all our feete .

Whir.

But where will that wise Asse be found now ?

Par.

I see I 'me borne still to draw Dun out at h mire for you : that wise beast will I be . I le bee that Asse that shall grone vnder the burden of that abhominable lye . Heauen pardon me , and pray God the infant be not punisht for t . Let me see : I le breake out in some filthy shape like a Thrasher , or a Thatcher , or a Sowgelder , or something : and speak dreamingly , and swear how the child pukes , and eates nothing ( as perhaps it does not ) and lies at the mercy of God , ( as all children and oldefolkes doe ) and then scholler Wafer , play you your part .

Mab.

Feare not me , for a veny or two ?

Par.

Where will you meet i th morning ?

Goz.

At some Tauerne neare the water-side , that s priuate .

Par.

The Grey-hound , the Greyhound in Black-fryers , an excellent Randeuous .

Lin.

Content the Greyhound by eight ?

Par.

And then you may whip forth two first , and two next , on a sudden , and take Boate at Bridewell Dock most priuately .

Omni.

Be et so : a good place ?

Par.

I le go make ready my rusticall properties : let me see scholler hie you home , for your child shall bee sicke within this halfe howre .

Exit . Enter Birdlime . Iud.

T is the vprightest dealing man ? Gods my pitty , whose yonder ?

Bird.

I 'me bold to presse my selfe vnder the Cullors of of your company , hearing that Gentlewoman was in the roome : A word mistris ?

Clar.

How now , what saies he ?

Goz.

Zounds what she ? a Bawd , by th Lord I st not ?

Mab.

No indeed , sir Gozlin shee s a very honest woman , and a Mid-wife .

Clar.

At the Lyon in Shoredich ? And would he not read it ? nor write to me ? I le poyson his Supper ?

Bird.

But no words that I bewrayd him .

Clar.

Gentlemen I must be gone . I cannot stay in faith : pardon me : I le meete to morrow : come Nurse , cannot tarry by this element .

Goz.

Mother , you : Grannam drinke ere you goe . Bird : I am going to a womans labour , indeede sir , cannot stay .

Exeunt . Amb.

I hold my life the blacke-beard her husband whissels for her .

Iud.

A reckoning : Breake one , breake all .

Goz.

Here Hans , draw not , I le draw for all as I me true knight .

Iud.

Let him : amongst women this does stand for law , the worthiest man ( tho he be foole ) must draw .

Exeunt .

Actus Tertius

Scaena Prima . Enter maister Tenterhooke and his wife . Tent.

What booke is that sweet hart ?

Mist. Ten.

Why the booke of bonds that are due to you .

Tent.

Come , what doe you with it ? Why do you trouble your selfe to take care about my businesse ?

Mist. Ten.

Why sir , doth not that which concerns you , concerne me . You told me Monopoly had discharged his bond , I finde by the booke of accounts heere , that it is not canceld . Eare I would suffer such a cheating companion to laugh at me , I de see him hanged I ▪ Good sweete hart as euer you loued me , as euer my bedde was pleasing to you , arrest the knaue , we were neuer beholding to him for a pin , but for eating vp our victuals . Good Mouse enter an action against him .

Ten.

In troth loue I may do the gentleman much discredit , and besides it may be other actions may fall very heauy vpon him .

Mist. Tent.

Hang him , to see the dishonesty of the knaue .

Tent.

O wise , good words : A Courtier , A gentleman .

Mist. Tent.

Why may not a Gentleman be a knaue , that were strange in faith : but as I was a saying , to see the dishonesty of him , that would neuer come since he receiued the mony to visit vs you know . Maister Tenterhook he hath hung long vpon you . Maister Tenterhooke as I am vertuous you shall arrest him .

Tent.

Why , I know not when he will come to Towne .

Mist. Te.

Hee s in town : this night he sups at the Lyon in Shoaredich , good husband enter your action , and make hast to the Lyon presently , there s an honest fellow ( Sergeant Ambush ) will doe it in a trice , he neuer salutes a man in Curtesie , but he catches him as if he would arrest him . Good hart let Seriant Ambush ly in waite for him .

Tent.

Well at thy entreaty I will doe it . Giue me my Cloake there , buy a linck and meet me at the Counter in Woodstreete ; busse me Moll .

Mist. Tent.

Why now you loue me . I le goe to bed sweet hart .

Tent:

Do not sleep till I come Moll .

Exit Tent Mist. Tent:

No lamb , baa sheep , if a woman will be free in this intricate laborinth of a husband , let her marry a man of a melancholy complexion , she shal not be much troubled with him . By my sooth my Husband hath a hand as dry as his braines , and a breath as stronge as six common gardens . Wel my husband is gon to arrest Monopoly . I haue dealt with a Sargeant priuatly , to intreate him , pretending that he is my Aunts Son , by this meanes shal I see my young gallant that in this has plaid his part . When they owe mony in the Citty once , they deale with their Lawyers by atturny , follow the Court though the Court do them not the grace to allow them their dyer . O the wit of a woman when she is put to the pinch .

Exit Mistris Tenterhook . Enter maister Tenterhooke , Sergeant Ambush , and yeoman Clutch . Ten.

Come Sergeant Ambush , come yeoman Clutch , yon s the Tauerne ▪ the Gentleman will come out presently : thou art resolute .

Amb.

Who I , I carry fire & sword that fight for me , hear , and heare . I know most of the knaues about London , and most of the Theeues to , I thanke God ▪ and good intelligence .

Tent.

I wonder thou dost not turne Broker then .

Amb.

Pew ; I haue bin a Broker already ; for I was first a Puritan , then a Banquerout , then a Broker , then a Fencer , and then Sergeant , were not these Trades woulde make a man honest ? peace the doore opes , wheele about yeoman Clutch .

Enter Whirlepoole , Linstocke , and Monopoly vnbrast . Mono.

And eare I come to sup in this Tauerne again . There s no more attendance then in a Iaile , and there had bin a Punk or two in the company then we should not haue bin rid of the drawers : now were I in an excellent humor to go to a valting house ▪ I wold break downe all their Glass-windowes , hew in peeces all their ioynestooles , tear silke petticotes , ruffle their Periwigges , and spoyle their Painting , O the Gods what I could do : I could vndergo fifteene bawds by this darknes , or if I could meete one of these Varlets that were Pannier ally on their baks ( Sergeants ) I would make them scud so fast from me , that they should think it a shorter way betweene this and Ludgate , then a condemned Cutpurse thinkes it between Newgate and Tyburne .

Lynst.

You are for no action to night .

Whirl.

No I le to bed .

Mono.

Am not I drunke now : Implentur veteris bacchi , pinquisque Tobacco .

Whirle.

Faith we are all heated .

Mono.

Captaine Whirlepoole when wilt come to Court and dine with me ?

Whirl.

One of these daies Franke , but I le get mee two Gaunlets for feare I lose my fingers in the dishes , their bee excellent shauers I heare in the most of your vnder offices ? I protest I haue often come thether , sat downe drawne , my knife , and eare I could say grace all the meate hath bin gone . I haue risen , and departed thence as hungry , as euer came Countrey Atturny from Westminster ? Good night honest Franke , doe not swagger with the watch Franke .

Exeunt . Tenter.

So now they are gone you may take him .

Amb.

Sir I arrest you ?

Mono.

Arrest me , at whose suite you varlets ?

Clouch .

At maister Tenterhookes .

Mono.

Why you varlets dare you arrest one of the Court .

Amb.

Come will you be quiet sir ?

Mo.

Pray thee good yeoman call the gentlemen back againe . There s a Gentleman hath carried a hundred pound of mine home with him to his lodging , becaus I dare not carry it ouer the fields , I le discharge it presently .

Amb.

That s a trick sir , you would procure a reskue .

Mono.

Catchpole do you see , I will haue the haire of your head and beard shaued off for this , and eare I catch you at Grayes Inne by this light law .

Amb.

Come will you march .

Mono.

Are you Sergeants Christians ? Sirra thou lookest like a good pittyfull rascall , and thou art a tall man to it seemes , thou hast backt many a man in thy time I warrant .

Amb.

I haue had many a man by the backe sir .

Mono.

Welsaide in-troth , I loue your quality , las t is needfull euery man should come by his own ▪ but as God mend me gentlemen I haue not one crosse about me , onely you two . Might not you let a Gentleman passe out of your handes , and say you saw him not ? Is there not such a kinde of mercy in you now and then my Maisters , as I liue , if you come to my lodging to morrowe morning , I le giue you fiue brace of Angelles ? good yeoman perswade your graduat heere : I know some of you to be honest faithfull Drunkards , respect a poore Gentleman in my case .

Ten

Come , it wil not serue your turne , Officers looke to him , vpon your perril .

Mono.

Do you heare sir , you see I am in the hands of a couple of Rauens here , as you are a Gentleman lend me forty shillings , let me not liue if I do not pay you the forfeiture of the whole bond , and neuer plead Conscience .

Tent.

Not a penny , not a penny : God night sir .

Exit Tenter . Mono.

Well , a man ought not to sweat by anie thing in the hands of Sergeants but by siluer , and because my pocket is no lawful Iustice to Minister any such oath vnto me , I will patiently incounter the Counter . Which is the dearest warde in Prison Sergeant ! the knights ward ?

Amb.

No sir , the Maisters side .

Mono.

Well the knight is aboue the maister though his Table be worse furnisht : I le go thether .

Amb.

Come sir , I must vse you kindly the Gentlemans Wife that hath arrested you .

Mono.

I what of her .

Amb.

She saies you are her Antes sonne .

Mono.

I , am ?

Amb.

She takes on so pittifully for your Arresting , t was much against her wil ( good Gentlewoman ) that this affliction lighted vpon you .

Mono.

She hath reason , if she respect her poore kindred .

Amb.

You shall not go to prison .

Mono.

Honest Sergeant , Conscionable Officer , did I forget my selfe euen now , a vice that sticks to me alwaies when I am drunke to abuse my best friends : where didst buy this buffe ? Let me not liue but I le giue thee a good suite of durance , Wilt thou take my bond Sergeant ? Where s a Scriuener , a Scriuener good Yeoman ? you shal haue my sword and hangers to paie him .

Amb.

Not so Sir : but you shall be prisoner in my house : I do not thinke but that your Cosin will visit you there i' th morning , and take order for you .

Mono.

Well said ; wa st not a most treacherous part to arrest a man in the night ▪ and when he is almost drunk , when he hath not his wits about him to remember which of his friends is in the Subsedy : Come did I abuse you , I recant , you are as necessary in a city as Tumblers in Norfolke , Sumners in Lancashire , or Rake-hels in an Armie .

Enter Parenthesis like a Colliar , and a Boy . Iust.

Buy any small Coale , buy any smal Coale .

Boy .

Collier , Collier ?

Iust.

What saist boy .

Boy

Ware the Pillory .

Iust.

O boy the pillory assures many a man that he is no cukold , for how impossible weare it a man should thrust his head through so small a Loope-ho'e if his foreheade were brauncht boy ?

Boy

Collier : how came the goose to be put vpon you , ha ?

Iust.

I le tell thee , the Tearme lying at Winchester in Henry the Thirds daies , and many French Women comming out of the Isle of Wight thither ( as it hath alwaies beene seene ) though the Isle of Wight could not of long time neither indure Foxes nor Lawyers . yet it could brook the more dreadful Cockatrice , there were many Punkes in the Towne ( as you know our Tearme is their Tearme ) your Farmers that would spend but three pence on his ordinarie , woulde lauish halfe a Crowne on his Leachery : and many men ( Calues as they were ) would ride in a Farmers foule bootes before breakefast , the commonst sinner had more fluttering about her , then a fresh punke hath when she comes to a Towne of Garrison , or to a vniuersity . Captains , Schollers , Seruingmen , Iurors , Clarks , Townesmen , and the Blacke-guarde vsed all to one Ordinarye , and most of them were cald to a pittifull reckoning ▪ for before two returnes of Michaelmas , Surgeons were full of busines , the care of most secresie grew as common as Lice in Ireland , or as scabbes in France . One of my Tribe a Collier carried in his Cart 40. maim'd souldiors to Salsbury , looking as pittifully as Dutchmen first made drunke , then carried to bee-heading . Euery one that mette him cried , ware the Goose Collier , and from that day to this , ther s a record to be seene at Croiden , howe that pittifull waftage which in deede was vertue in the Collier , that all that time would carry no Coales , laid this Imputation on all the posterity .

Boy .

You are ful of tricks Colliar .

Iust.

Boy where dwels maister Wafer ?

Boy .

Why heare ! what wouldst ? I am one of his Iuvinals ?

Iust.

Hath he not a child at nursse at More-clacke ?

Boy .

Yes , dost thou dwel there ?

Iust.

That I do , the Child is wonderous sicke : I was wild to acquaint thy maister and Mistris with it .

Boy .

I le vp and tel them presently .

Iust.

So , if al should faile me , I could turne Collier . O the villany of this age , how ful of secresie and silence ( contrary to the opinion of the world ) haue I euer found most women . I haue sat a whol afternoone many times by my wife , and lookt vpon her eies , and felt if her pulses haue beat , when I haue nam'd a suspected loue , yet all this while haue not drawne from her the least scruple of confession . I haue laine awake a thousand nights , thinking she wold haue reuealed somewhat in her dreames , and when she has begunne to speake any thing in her sleepe , I haue iog'd her , and cried I sweete heart . But when wil your loue come , or what did hee say to thee ouer the stall ? Or what did he do to thee in the Garden-chamber ? Or when wil he send to thee any letters , or when wilt thou send to him any mony , what an idle coxcombe iealousie wil make a man . Enter Wafer and his wife . Well , this is my comfort that heere comes a creature of the same head-peece .

Mist Waf.

O my sweet Child , where s the Collier ?

Iust.

Here forsooth .

Mist Waf.

Run into Bucklers burry for two ounces of Draggon water , some Sperma 〈◊〉 and Treakle . What is it sicke of Coliar ? a burning Feauer ?

Iust.

Faith mistris I do not know the infirmity of it : wil you buy any smal Coale , say you ?

waf.

Prethee go in and empty them , come be not so impatient .

Mist waf.

I , I , I , if you had groand for t as I haue done you wold haue bin more natural . Take my riding hat , and my kirtle there : I le away presently ?

waf.

You wil not go to night , I am sure .

Mist wafer .

As I liue but I wil .

Waf.

Faith sweet hart I haue great busines to night , stay til to morrow and I le go with you .

Mist waf.

No sir I wil not hinder your busines . I see how little you respect the fruits of your owne bodie . I shal find some bodye to beare me company .

Waf.

Wel , I wil deferre my busines for once , and go with thee .

Mist waf.

By this light but you shal not , you shal not hit me i' th teeth that I was your hindrance , wil you to Bucklers burry sir ?

Waf.

Come you are a foole leaue yeur weeping .

Exit Waf . Mist Waf.

You shal not go with me as I liue .

Iust .

Puple .

Mist. Waf.

Excellent maister .

Iust.

Admirable Mistris , howe happie be our Englishwomen that are not troubled with Iealous husbands ; why your Italians in general are so Sun-burnt with these Dog-daies , that your great Lady there thinkes her husband loues her not if hee bee not iealious : what confirmes the liberty of our women more in England , then the Italian Prouerbe , which saies if there were a bridge ouer the narrow Seas , all the women in Italy would shew their husbands a Million of light paire of heeles , and flie ouer into England .

Mist. Waf.

The time of our meeting ? Come ?

Iust.

Seauen .

Mist. Waf.

The place .

Iust.

In Blacke-Friers , there take Water , keepe a loofe from the shore , on with your Masks , vp with your sails , and West-ward Hoe

Mist. Waf.

So .

Exit Mistris Wafer . Iust.

O the quick apprehension of women , the 'ile groape out a mans meaning presently , wel , it rests now that I discouer my selfe in my true shape to these Gentlewomens husbands : for though I haue plaid the foole a little to beguile the memory of mine owne misfortune , I woulde not play the knaue , though I be taken for a Banquerout , but indeed as in other things , so in that , the worlde is much deceiued in me , for I haue yet three thousand pounds in the hands of a sufficient friend , and all my debts discharged . I haue receiued here a letter from my wife ▪ directed to Stode , wherein shee most repentantly intreateth my return , with protestation to gyue me assured tryall of her honesty . I cannot tell what to thinke of it , but I will put it to the test , there is a great strife betweene beautie , & Chastity , and that which pleaseth many is neuer free from temtation : as for Iealousie , it makes many Cuckoldes , many fooles , and many banquerouts : It may haue abused me and not my wifes honesty : I le try it : but first to my secure and doting Companion .

Exit . Enter Monopoly and Mistris Tenterhooke Mono. I beseech you Mistris Tenterhooke , Before God I le be sicke if you will not be merry . Mist. Tent.

You are a sweet Beagle .

Mono.

Come , because I kept from Towne a little , let mee not liue if I did not heare the sicknes was in Towne very hot : In troth thy hair is of an excellent colour since I saw it . O those bright tresses like to threds of gold .

Mist. Tent.

Lye , and ashes , suffer much in the city for that comparison .

Mono.

Here s an honest Gentleman wil be here by & by , was borne at Foolham : his name is Gosling Gloo-worme .

Mist Tent.

I know him , what is he ?

Mono.

He is a Knight : what aild your husband to be so hasty to arrest me .

Mist Tent.

Shal I speak truly ? shall I speak not like a woman .

Mono.

Why not like a woman .

Mist Tent.

Because womens tongues are like to clocks , if they go too fast they neuer goe true , t' was I that got my husband to arrest thee , I haue .

Mono.

I am beholding to you .

Mist Tent.

For sooth I coulde not come to the speech of you , I thinke you may be spoken with all now .

Mono.

I thanke you , I hope you l baile me Cosin ?

Mist Tent.

And yet why should I speak with you , I protest I loue my husband

Mono.

Tush let not any young woman loue a man in yeares too well .

Mist Tent.

Why ? Mono Because hee le dye before he can require it .

Mono.

I haue acquainted Wafer and Hony-suckle with it , and they allow my wit for 't extreamly . Enter Ambush . O honest Sergeant

Amb.

Welcome good mistris Tenterhooke .

Mist Tent.

Sergeant I must needs haue my Cosin go a little Way out of Town with me and to secure thee , here are two Diamonds , they are worth two hundred pound , keepe them til I returne him .

Amb.

Well t is good securitie .

Mist Tent.

Do not come in my husbandes sight in the meane time

Enter Whirle , Glo-worme , Gozling , Linstocke , Mistris Honnysuckle , and Mistris Wafer . Amb.

Welcom Gallants .

Whirl.

How now Monopoly Arrested ?

Mono.

O my little Honysuckle art come to visit a Prisoner ?

Mist Hony .

Yes faith as Gentlemen visit Marchants , to fare wel , or as Poets young quaint Reuellers , to laugh at them . Sirrha if I were some foolish Iustice , if I woulde not beg thy wit neuer trust me .

Mist Tent.

Why I pray you ?

Mist Hony .

Because it hath bin conceald al this while , but come shal we to boat , we are furnisht for attendants as Ladies are , We haue our fooles , and our Vshers .

Sir . Goz.

I thanke you Madame , I shall meete your wit in the close one day .

Mist. Waf.

Sirra , thou knowest my husband keeps a Kennell of hounds ?

Mist. Hony .

Yes .

Whirl.

Doth thy husband loue venery ?

Mist. Waf.

Venery ?

Whirl.

I , hunting , and venery are words of one signification .

Mist Waf.

Your two husband , and hee haue made a match to go find a Hare about Busty Causy .

Mist. Tent.

Thei le keepe an excellent house till we come home againe .

Mist. Ho.

O excellent , a Spanish dinner , a Pilcher , and a Dutch supper , butter and Onions .

Lynst.

O thou art a mad wench .

Mist. Tent.

Sergeant carry this ell of Cambrick to mistris Bird . tel her but that it is a rough tide , and that she feares the water , she should haue gone with vs .

Sir Goz.

O thou hast an excellent wit .

Whirl.

To Boat hay ?

Mist. Hony .

Sir Gozlin ? I doe take it your legs are married .

Sir Goz.

Why mistris ?

Mist. Honi.

They looke so thin vpon it .

Sir Goz.

Euer since I measurd with your husband , I haue shrunk in the calfe .

Mist. Hony .

And yet you haue a sweet tooth in your head .

Sir Goz.

O well dealt for the Calues head , you may talke what you will of legs , and rising in the small , and swelling beneath the garter . But t is certain when lank thighes brought long stockings out of fashion , the Courtiers Legge , and his slender tilting staffe grew both of a bignesse . Come for Brainford .

Exeunt .

Actus Quartus

Scaena Prima . Enter Mistris Birdlime and Luce . Bird.

Good morrow mistris Luce : how did you take your rest to night ? how doth your good worship like your lodging ? what will you haue to breakfast ?

Luce.

A poxe of the Knight that was here last night , he promist to haue sent me some wilde foule ; hee was drunk I le bestewed else .

Bird.

Why do not you think he will send them ?

Luce.

Hang them : tis no more in fashion for them to keepe their promises , then t is for men to pay their debtes . He will lie faster then a Dog trots : what a filthy knocking was at doore last night ; some puny Inn-a-court-men , I le hold my contribution .

Bird.

Yes in troth were they , ciuill gentlemen without beards , but to say the truth , I did take exceptions at their knocking : took them a side & said to them : Gentlemen this is not well , that you should come in this habit , Cloakes and Rapiers , Boots and Spurs , I protest to you , those that be your Ancientes in the house would haue come to my house in their Caps and Gownes , ciuilly , and modestly . I promise you they might haue bin taken for Cittizens , but that they talke more liker fooles . Who knocks there ? vp into your Chamber . Enter master Honisuckle . Who are you , some man of credit ? that you come in mufled thus .

Honi.

Whos 's aboue ?

Bird.

Let me see your face first . O maister Honisuckle , why the old party : the old party .

Honi.

Pew I will not go vp to her : no body else ?

Enter Christian . Bird.

As I liue will you giue me some Sacke ? where s Opportunity .

Honi.

What dost call her ?

Bird.

Her name is Christian , but mistris Luce cannot abide that name , and so she cals her Oppertunity .

Honi.

Very good , good .

Bird. I st a shilling , bring the rest in Aqua vite . Come shal s go to Noddy . Honi.

I and thou wilt for halfe an hower .

Bird.

Heere are the Cardes ? deale , God send mee Duces and Aces with a Court Card , and I shall get by it .

Honi.

That can make thee nothing .

Bird.

Yes if I haue a coate Card turne vp .

Honi.

I shew foure games ?

Bird.

By my troth I must shew all and little enough to , sixe games : play your single game , I shall double with you anone .

Pray you lend me some siluer to count my games ? How now is it good Sack ? Enter Christian . Chri:

There 's a gentleman at doore would speake with you .

Ho:

Gods so , I will not be seene by any means .

Enter Tenterhook . Bird:

Into that closet then ? What another mufler ?

Ten.

How dost thou mistris Birdlime ?

Bird.

Master Tenterhooke the party is aboue in the dining Chamber .

Tent.

Aboue .

Bird.

All alone ?

Honi.

Is he gone vp ? who wa st I pray thee ?

Bird.

By this sacke I will not tel you I say that you were a contry Gentleman , or a Cittizen that hath a young wife , or an Inne of Chauncery Man , should I tell you ? Pardon me ; this Sacke tastes of Horse flesh , I warrant you the leg of a dead horse hangs in the But of Sacke to keepe it quicke ?

Hony .

I beseech thee good Mistris Birdlime tel me who it was .

Bird.

O God sir we are sworne to secrecy as wel as Surgeons . Come drinke to me , and le ts to our game .

Tenterhooke and Luce aboue . Tent.

Who am I ?

Luce.

You , pray you vnblind me , Captaine Whirlpoole , no maister Lynstock : pray vnblind me , you are not sir Gozling Glo-worme , for he weares no Ringes of his fingers ! Maister Freeze-leather , O you are George the drawer at the Miter , pray you vnblinde mee , Captaine Puckfoist , Maister Counterpaine the Lawier , what the diuel meane you , beshrew your heart you haue a very dry hand , are you not mine host Dog-bolt of Brainford , Mistris Birdlyme , maister Honysuckle , Maister Wafer .

Tent.

What the last of al your Clients .

Luce.

O how dost thou good Cosin .

Tent.

I you haue many Cosins .

Luce.

Faith I can name many that I do not know , and suppose I did know them what then ? I will suffer one to keepe me in diet , another in apparrel ; another in Phisick ; another to pay my house rent . I am just of the Nature of Alcumy ; I wil suffer euery plodding foole to spend monie vpon me , marrie none but some worthie friend to inioy my more retir'd and vse-full faithfulnes .

Tent.

Your loue , your loue .

Luce.

O I , t is the curse that is laid vppon our quallitie , what wee gleane from others we lauish vpon some trothlesse welfac'd younger Brother , that Loues vs onely for maintainance .

Tent.

Hast a good tearme Luce ?

Luce.

A pox on the Tearme , and now I thinke on t , saies a gentleman last night let the pox be in the Towne seauen yeare , Westminster neuer breeds Cob-webs , & yet t is as catching as the plague , though not also general , there be a thousand bragging lackes in ▪ London , that wil protest they can wrest comfort from me when ( I sweare ) not one of them know wheather my palme be moiste or not : In troth I loue thee : You promist me seuen Elles of Cambrick . Wafer knocks and enters , Whos 's that knocks ?

Honi.

What , more Sacks to the Myl , I le to my old retirement .

Bird.

How doth your good worship , Passion of my hart , what shift shall I make . How hath your good wor. done , a long time ?

Waf.

Very well God Godamercy .

Bird.

Your good worsh. I thinke be riding out of towne .

Waf.

Yes beleeue me , I loue to be once a weeke a horsebacke , for methinks nothing sets a man out , better than a Horse .

Bird.

T is certen , nothing sets a woman out better than a man .

Waf.

What , is mist . Luce aboue ?

Bird.

Yes truely .

Waf.

Not any company with her .

Bird.

Company ? Shall I say to your good worship and not lie , she hath had no company ( let me see how long it was since your Wor. was heare ) you wet to a Butchers feast at Cuckolds-hauen the next day after Saint Lukes day . Not this fortnight , in good truth .

Waf.

Alasse , good soule .

Bird.

And why was it ? Go to , go to , I thinke you know better than I ▪ The wench asketh euery day when will M. wafer be heere : And if Knightes aske for her , shee cries out at stayre-hed , As you loue my life let em not come vp , I le do my selfe vyolence if they enter : Haue not you promist hir somwhat ?

waf.

Faith , I thinke she loues me .

Bird.

Loues : Wel , wud you knew what I know , then you wud say somwhat . In good faith shee s very poore , all her gowns are at pawne : she owes me fiue pound for her dyet , besides 40. sh.. I lent her to redeem two halfe silke Kirtles from the Brokers , And do you thinke she needed be in debt thus , if shee thought not of Some body .

Waf.

Good honest Wench .

Bird.

Nay in troth , shee s now entring into bond for 5. poundes more , the Scriuener is but new gon vp to take her bond .

wafer

Come , let her not enter into bond , I le lend her 5. pound , i le pay the rest of her debts , Call downe the Scriuener ?

Bird.

I pray you when he comes downe , stand mufled , and I le tell him you are her brother .

Waf.

If a man haue a good honest wench , that liues wholy to his vse , let him not see hir want .

Exit Bird . and enter aboue . Bird.

O , mist. Luce , mist. Luce , you are the most vnfortunate gentlewoman that euer breathde : your young wild brother came newly out of the Countrey , he calles me Bawd , sweares I keepe a Bawdy house , saies his sister is turned whore , and that he wil kill , & slay any man that he finds in her company .

Tent.

What conuayance wil you make with mistris Birdlime .

Luce.

O God let him not come vp , t is the swaggringst wild-oats .

Bird.

I haue pacified him somwhat , for I told him , that you were a Scriuener come to take a band of her , now as you go foorth say she might haue had so much mony if she had pleased , and say , she is an honest Gentlewoman and al wil be wel .

Tent.

Inough , farewel good Luce .

Btrd.

Come change your voice , and muffle you .

Luce.

What trick should this be , I haue neuer a brother , I le hold my life some franker customer is come , that shee slides him off so smoothly .

Enter Tenterhooke and Birdlime . Tent.

The Gentlewoman is an honest Gentlewoman as any is in London , and should haue had thrice as much money vpon her single bond for the good report I heare of her .

Waf.

No sir hir friends can furnish her with mony .

Tent.

By this light I should know that voice , Wafer , od'sfoote are you the Gentlewomans Brother ?

Waf.

Are your turnd a Scriuener Tenterhooke ?

Bird.

I am spoild .

Waf.

Tricks of mistris Birdlyme by this light .

Enter Honysuckle . Hony .

Hoick Couert , hoick couert , why Gentlemen is this your hunting ?

Tent.

A Consort , what make you here Honysuckle ?

Hony .

Nay what make you two heare , O excellent mistris Bird . thou hast more trickes in thee then a Punke hath Vnckles , cosins , Brothers . Sons or Fathers : an infinit Company .

Bird.

If I did it not to make your good worships merry , neuer Beleeue me , I wil drinke to your worship a glasse of Sack .

Enter Iustiniano . Iust.

God saue you .

Hony & Waf.

Maister Iustiniano welcome from Stoad .

Iust.

Why Gentlemen I neuer came there .

Tent.

Neuer there ! where haue you bin then ?

Iust.

Mary your daily guest I thanke you .

Omn.

Ours .

Iust.

I yours .

I was the pedant that learnt your wiues to write , I was the Colliar that brought you newes your childe was sicke , but the truth is , for ought I knowe , the Child is in health , and your wiues are gone to make merry at Brainford .

Waf.

By my troth good wenches , they little dreame where we are now .

Iust.

You little dreame what gallants are with them .

Tent.

Gallants with them ! I de laugh at that .

Iust.

Foure Gallants by this light , Mai ▪ Monopoly is one of them .

Tent.

Monopoly ? I de laugh at that in faith .

Iust.

Would you laugh at that ! why do ye laugh at it then , they are ther by this time , I cannot stay to giue you more particular intelligence : I haue receiued a letter from my wife heare , if you will cal me at Putney , I le beare you company .

Tent.

Od'sfoot what a Rogue is Sergeant Ambush , I le vndo him by this light .

Iust.

I met Sergeant Ambush , and wild him come to this house to you presently , so Gentlemen I leaue you ! Bawd I haue nothing to say to you now ; do not thinke to much in so dangerous a matter for in womens matters t is more dangerous to stand long deliberating ▪ then before a battaile .

Exit Iusti. Waf.

This fellowes pouerty hath made him an arrant knaue .

Bird.

will your worship drinke any Aquavitae ?

Tent.

Apox on your Aquavitae . Monopoly , that my wife vrged me to arrest gon to Brainford . Enter Ambush . here s comes the varlet .

Amb.

I am come sir to know your pleasure .

Tent.

What hath Monopoly paid the mony yet ?

Amb.

No sir , but he sent for mony .

Tent.

You haue not caried him to the counter , he is at your house stil .

Amb:

O Lord I sir as melancholike &c.

Tent.

You lie like an arrant varlet , by this candle I laugh at the iest

Bird.

And yet hee s ready to cry .

Tent.

Hee s gone with my wife to Brainford , and there bee any Law in England I le tickle ye for this .

Amb.

Do your worst , for I haue good security & I care not , besides it was his cosin your wines pleasure that he should goe along with her .

Tent.

Hoy day , her cosin , wel sir , your security .

Amb. Why sir two Diamonds here . Tent. O my hart : my wiues two Diamonds , Wel , you le go along and iustifie this . Enter Luce . Amb.

That I wil sir .

Luce.

Who am I ?

Tent.

What the Murrion care I who you are , hold off your Fingers , or I le cut them with this Diamond .

Luce.

I le see em ifaith ,

So , I le keepe these Diamonds tell I haue my silke gowne , and six els of Cambricke .

Tent.

By this light you shal not .

Luce.

No , what do you think you haue Fops in hand , sue me for them .

waf. and Hony .

As you respect your credit le ts go .

Tent.

Good Luce as you loue me let me haue them , it stands vpon my Credit , thou shalt haue any thing , take my pursse .

Luce.

I will not be crost in my humour sir .

Tent.

You are a dam'd filthy punke , what an vnfortunate Rogue was I , that euer I came into this house .

Bird.

Do not spurne any body in my house you were best .

Tent.

Well , well .

Bird.

Excellent Luce , the getting of these two Diamondes maie chaunce to saue the Gentlewomens credit ; thou heardst all .

Luce.

O I , and by my troath pittye them , what a filthy Knaue was that betraied them .

Bird.

One that put me into pittifull feare , master Iustiniano here hath laied lurking like a sheep-biter , and in my knowledge hath drawne these gentlewomen to this misfortune : but I le downe to Queene-hiue , and the Watermen which were wont to carrie you to Lambeth Marsh , shall carry mee thither : It may bee I may come before them ; I thinke I shal pray more , what for seare of the water , and for my good successe then I did this tweluemonth .

Scaena 2 Enter the Earle and three Seruingmen . Earl .

Haue you perfum'd this Chamber ?

Omn.

Yes my Lord .

Ear.

The banquet ?

Omn.

It stands ready .

Ear. Go , let musicke Charme with her excellent voice an awfull scilence Through al this building , that her sphaery soule May ( on the wings of Ayre ) in thousand formes Inuisibly flie , yet be inioy'd . Away . 1 Ser.

Does my Lorde meane to Coniure that hee drawes this strange Characters .

2 Ser.

He does : but we shal see neither the Spirit that rises , nor the Circle it rises in .

3 Ser.

T would make our haire stand vp an end if wee shoulde , come fooles come , meddle not with his matters , Lords may do any thing .

Exeunt Ear. This night shal my desires be amply Crownd , And al those powers , that tast of man in vs , Shall now aspire that point of happines , Beyond which , sensual eies neuer looke , ( sweet pleasure ! ) Delicious pleasure ? Earths Supreamest good , The spring of blood , tho it dry vp our blood . Rob me of that , ( tho to be drunke with pleasure , As ranke excesse euen in best things is bad ; Turnes man into a beast ) yet that being gone , A horse and this ( the goodliest shape ) al one . We feed : weare rich attires : and striue to cleaue The stars with Marble Towers , fight battailes : Spend Our blood to buy vs names : and in Iron hold Will we eate roots , to imprison fugitiue gold : But to do thus , what Spell can vs excite , This the strong Magick of our appetite : To feast which richly , life it selfe vndoes , Whoo 'd not die thus ? to see , and then to choose Why euen those that starue in Voluntary wants , And to aduance the mind , keepe the flesh poore , The world Inioying them , they not the world , Wud they do this , but that they are proud to sucke A sweetnes from such sowrenes ; let em so , The torrent of my appetite shall flow With happier streame . A woman ! Oh , the Spirit And extract of Creation ! This , this night , The Sun shal enuy . What cold checks our blood ? Her bodie is the Chariot of my soule , Her eies my bodies light , which if I want , Life wants , or if possesse , I vndo her ; Turne her into a diuel , whom I adore , By scorching her with the hot steeme of lust , T is but a minutes pleasure : and the sinne Scarce acted is repented . Shun it than : O he that can Abstaine , is more than man ! Tush . Resolu'st thou to do ill : be not precize Who writes of Vertue best , are slaues to vize , Musick The musicke sounds all arum to my blood , What s bad I follow , yet I see what s good . Whilst the song is heard . The Earle drawes a Curten and sets forth a Banquet : he then Exit , and Enters presently with Parenthesis attird like his wife maskt : leads him to the table , places him in a chaire , and in dumbe signes , Courts him , til the song be done . Ear. Fayre ! be not doubly maskt : with that and night , Beautie ( like gold ) being vs'd becomes more bright . Par.

Wil it please your Lordship to sit , I shal receiue smal pleasure if I see your Lordship stand .

Ear:

Witch , hag , what art thou proud damnation ?

Par:

A Marchants wife .

Ear:

Fury who raizd thee vp , what com'st thou for !

Par:

For a banquet .

Ear: I am abus'd , deluded : Speake what art thou ? Vds death speake , or i le kil thee : in that habit I lookt to find an Angel , but thy face , Shewes th' art a Diuel . Par:

My face is as God made it my Lord : I am no diuel vnlesse women be diuels , but men find em not so , for they daily hunte for them .

Ear:

What art thou that dost cozen me thus ?

Par:

A Marchants wife I say : Iustinianos wife . She , whome that long burding piece of yours , I meane that Wicked mother Birdlyme caught for your honor . Why my Lord , has your Lordshippe forgot how ye courted me last morning .

Ear.

The diuel I did .

Par.

Kist me last morning .

Ear.

Succubus ▪ not thee .

Par.

Gaue me this Iewel last morning .

Ear.

Not to thee Harpy .

Par.

To me vpon mine honestie , swore you would build me a lodging by the Thames side with a watergate to it : or els take mee a lodging in Cole-harbor .

Ear.

I swore so .

Par.

Or keep me in a Laborinth as Harry kept Rosamond wher the Minotaure my husband should not enter .

Ear.

I sware so , but Gipsie not to thee ?

Par.

To me vppon my honour , hard was the siege , which you laid to the Christal wals of my chastity , but I held out you know : but because I cannot bee too stony harted , I yeelded my Lord , by this token my Lord ( which token lies at my heart like lead ) but by this token my Lord , that this night you should commit that sinne which we al know with me .

Ear.

Thee ?

Par.

Do I looke vgly , that you put thee vppon me : did I giue you my hand to horne my head , that s to say my husband , and is it com to thee : is my face a filthyer face , now it is yours , then when it was his : or haue I two faces vnder one hoode . I confesse I haue laid mine eyes in brine , and that may chaunge the coppy . But my Lord I know what I am .

Ear. A Scorceresse , thou shalt witch mine eares no more , If thou canst pray , do ot quickly for thou diest . Par. I can praie but I will not die , thou liest : My Lord there drops your Ladie ; And now know , Thou vnseasonable Lecher , I am her husband Whom thou wouldst make whore , read : she speakes there thus , Vnlesse I came to her , her hand should free Her Chastitie from blemish , proud I was Of her braue mind , I came , and seeing what slauerie Pouertie , and the frailitie of her Sex Had , and was like to make her Subiect to , I begd that she would die , my suite was granted , I poison'd her , thy lust there strikes her dead , Hornes feard , plague worse , than sticking on the head . Ear. Oh God thou hast vndone thy selfe and me , None liue to match this peece , thou art to bloudie , Yet for her sake , whom I le embalme with teares , This Act with her I bury , and to quit Thy losse of such a Iewel , thou shalt share My liuing with me , Come imbrace . Par. My Lord . Earl . Vilaine , dambd mercilesse slaue , I le torture thee To euery ynch of flesh : what ho : helpe , whos 's there ? Enter Servingmen . Come hither : here s a murderer , bind him . How now , What noise is this . Enter the 1. Seruingmen . 1 Ser.

My Lord there are three Cittizens face mee downe , that here s one maister Parenthesis a schoolemaister with your Lordship and desire he may be forth-comming to em .

Par. That borrowed name is mine . Shift for your selues : Away , shift for your selues ; fly , I am taken . Ear. Why should they flye thou Skreech-owle . Par. I wil tel thee , Those three are partners with me in the murder , We foure commixt the poison , shift for your selues . Ear. Stops mouth , and drag him backe : intreat em enter . Enter the three Cittizens . O what a conflict feele I in my bloud , I would I were lesse great to be more good : Y' are welcome , wherefore came you ! guard the dores ; When I behold that obiect , al my sences Reuolt from reason , he that offers flight , Drops downe a Coarse . Al. 3. a Coarse ? 1. Ser. I a coarse , do you scorn to be worms meat more then she ? Par. See Gentlemen , the Italian that does scorne , Beneath the Moone , no basenes like the horne , Has powr'd through all the veines of yon chast bosome , Strong poison to preserue it from that plague , This flesh'y Lord : he doted on my wife , He would haue wrought on her and plaid on me . But to pare off these brims , I cut off her , And guld him with this lie , that you had hands Dipt in her blood with mine , but this I did , That his staind age and name might not be hid . My Act ( tho vild ) the world shall crowne as iust , I shall dye eleere , when he liues soyld with lust : But come : rise Moll . Awake sweete Moll , th' ast played The woman rarely , counterfetted well . 1. Ser. Sure sh 'as nine liues . Par. See , Lucrece is not slaine , Her eyes which lust cald Suns , haue their first beames , And all these frightments are but idle dreames : Yet ( afore Ioue ) she had her knife prepard To let his bloud forth ere it should run blacke ? Do not these open cuts now , coole your back ? Methinkes they should : when Vice sees with broad eyes Her vgly forme , she does herselfe despise . Ear. Mirror of dames , I looke vpon thee now , As men long blind , ( hauing recouered sight ) Amazd : scarce able are to endure the light : Mine owne shame strikes me dumb : hence forth the booke I le read shall be thy mind , and not thy looke . Hony .

I would either wee were at Braineford to see our wiues , or our wiues heere to see this Pageant .

Tent.

So would I , I stand vpon thornes .

Ear. The iewels which I gaue you : weare : your fortunes , I le raise on golden Pillars : fare you well , Lust in old age like burnt straw , does euen choake The kindlers , and consumes , in stincking Smoake . Exit . Par.

You may follow your Lord by the smoake , Badgers .

1. Ser.

If fortune had fauord him , wee might haue followed you by the hornes .

Par.

Fortune fauors fooles , your Lords a wise Lord : So : how now ? ha ? This is that makes me fat now , i st not Rats-bane to you Gentlemen , as pap was to Nestor , but I know the inuisible sins of your wiues hang at your eye-lides , and that makes you so heauy headed .

Tent.

If I do take em napping I know what I le do .

Honi.

I le nap some of them .

Tent.

That villaine Monopoly , and that sir Gozlin treads em all .

Wafer .

Wud I might come to that treading .

Par.

Ha ha , sownd I : come Moll : the booke of the siedge of Ostend , writ by one that dropt in the action , will neuer sell so well , as a report of the siedge between this Graue , this wicked elder and thy selfe , an impression of you two , wold away in a May-morning : was it euer heard that such tyrings , were brought away from a Lord by any wench but thee Moll , without paying , vnlesse the wench connycatcht him ? go thy thy waies : if all the great Turks Concubins were but like thee , the ten-penny-infidell should neuer neede keep so many geldings to ney ouerem : come shal this Westerne voyage hold my harts ?

All 3

Yes , yes .

Par.

Yes , yes : Sfoot you speake as if you had no harts , & look as if you were going westward indeede : to see how plaine dealing women can pull downe men : Moll you le helpe vs to catch Smelts too ?

Mist. Iust.

If you be pleasd .

Par.

Neuer better since I wore a Smock .

Honi.

I feare our oares haue giuen vs the bag .

Wafer .

Good , I de laught at that .

Par.

If they haue , would where s might giue them the Bottle : come march whilst the women double their files : Married men fee , there s comfort : the Moones vp : fore Don Phabus , I doubt we shall haue a Frost this night , her hornes are so sharp : doe you not feele it bite .

Tent.

I do , I me sure .

Par.

But wee le sit vppon one anothers skirts Boate , and lye close in straw , like the hoary Courtier . Set on to Brainford now : where if you meete fraile wiues , Nere sweare gainst hornes , invaine dame Nature striues .

Exeunt .

Actus Quintus

Scaena Prima . Enter Monopoly , Whirlepoole , Lynstock , and their wiues , Iudyth , Mabell , and Clare , their Hats off . Mono.

Why Chamberlin ? will not these Fidlers be drawn forth ? are they not in tune yet ? Or are the Rogues afraid at h Statute , and dare not trauell so far without a passe-port ?

Whir.

What Chamberlin ?

Lynst.

Where s mine host ? what Chamberlin .

Enter Chamberlain . Cham.

Anon sir , heere sir , at hand sir .

Mono.

Where s this noise ? what a lowsie Townes this ? Has Brainford no musick in t .

Cham.

They are but rozining sir , and thei le scrape themselues into your company presently .

Mono.

Plague a their Cats guts , and their scraping : dost not see women here , and can wethinkst thou be without a noise then ?

Cha.

The troth is sir , one of the poore instruments caught a sore mischance last night : his most base bridge fell downe , and belike they are making a gathering for the reparations of that .

Whir.

When they come , le ts haue em with apox .

Cham.

Well sir , you shall sir .

Mo.

Stay Chamberlin : where s our knight sir Gozlin ? where s sir Gozlin .

Cham.

Troth sir , my master , and sir Gozlin are guzling : they are dabling together fathom deepe : the Knight hath drunke so much Helth to the Gentleman yonder , on his knees , that hee has almost lost the vse of his legs .

Iud.

O for loue , let none of em enter our roome , fie .

Mab.

I wud not haue em cast vp their accounts here , for more then they meane to be drunke this tweluemonth .

Cla.

Good Chamberlin keepe them and their Helthes out of our company . I warrant you , their Helthes shall not hurt you .

Exit . Mo.

I , well said : they 're none of our giuing : let em keep their owne quarter : Nay I told you the man would soake him if hee were ten Knights : if he were a Knight of Gold they l fetch him ouer .

Cla.

Out vpon him ?

Whirl.

There s a Lieuetennant and a Captaine amongst em too .

Mo:

Nay , then looke to haue some body lie on the earth for t : It s ordinary for your Liefe tennant to be drunke with your Captaine , and your Capten to cast with your Knight .

Cla:

Did you neuer hear how sir Fabian Scarerow ( euen such another ) tooke me vp one night before my husband being in wine .

Mab.

No indeede , how was it ?

Cla.

But I thinke I tooke him downe with a witnesse ,

Iud.

How ? Good Tenterhooke .

Cla.

Nay I le haue all your eares take part of it .

Omni.

Come , on then .

Cla:

Hevsd to freequent me and my Husband diuerse times ▪ And at last comes he out one morning to my husband , and sayes , maister Tenterhooke saies he , I must trouble you to lend mee 200 . pound about a commodity which I am to deale in , and what was that commodity but his knighthood .

Omn.

So .

Cla.

Why you shall Maister Scarcrow saies my good man : So within a little while after , Maister Fabian was created Knight .

Mono.

Created a Knight ! that s no good heraldry : you must say dubd .

Cla.

And why not Created pray .

Omn.

I wel done , put him downe at s owne weapon .

Cla.

Not Created , why al things haue their being by creation .

Lynst.

Yes by my faith i st .

Cla.

But to returne to my tale .

Whirl.

I mary : marke now .

Cla.

When he had climb'd vp this costly ladder of preferment , he disburses the mony backe agen very honorably : comes home , and was by my husbande invited to supper : There supt with vs besides , another Gentleman incident to the Court , one that hadde bespoke me of my husband to help me into the banqueting house and see the reuelling : a young Gentleman , and that wagge ( our schoolemaister ) marster Parenthesis , for I remember he said grace , methinks I see him yet , how he turn'd vp the white a' th eie , when he came to the last Gaspe , and that he was almost past Grace .

Mab.

Nay he can do ot .

Cla.

All supper time , my New-minted knight , made Wine the waggon to his meat , for it ran downe his throat so fast , that before my Chamber-maid had taken halfe vp , he was not scarce able to stand .

Mono.

A generall fault at Cittizens tables .

Cla.

And I thinking to play vpon him , askt him , Sir Fabian Scar-crow quoth I , what pretty Gentlewoman wil you raise vp now to stal her your Lady ? but he like a foul-mouthd man , swore zounds I le stal neuer a punke in England . A Lady , there s two many already : O fie Sir Fabian ( quoth I ) will you cal her that shall bee your wife such an odious name ! and then he sets out a throat & swore agen ( like a stinking breathd knight as he was ) that women were like horsse .

Iud. and Mub.

O filthy knaue .

Cla.

They de break ouer any hedge to change their pasture , tho it were worse : Fie man fie , ( saies the Gentlewoman . )

mono.

Very good .

Cla.

And he bristling vp his beard to raile at her too , I cut hym ouer the thumbs thus : why sir Fabian Searcrow did I incense my husband to lend you so much mony vpon your bare worde , and doe you backbite my friends , and me so our faces ! I thought you had had more perseuerance ; if you bore a Knightly and a degenerous mind you would scorne it : you had wont to be more deformable amongst women : Fie , that you le be so humorsome : here was Nobodie so egregious towardes you sir Fabian ! and thus in good sadnes , I gaue him the best wordes I coulde picke out to make him ashamd of his doings .

Whrl.

And how tooke he this Correction .

Cla.

Verie heauily : for he slept presentlie vpon t : & in the morning was the sorriest Knight , and I warrant is so to this daie , that liues by bread in England .

mono.

To fee what wine and women can do , the one makes a man not to haue a word to throw at a Dogge , the other makes a man to eat his owne words tho they were neuer so filthy .

Whirl.

I see these Fiddlers cannot build vp their bridge , that some Musicke may come ouer vs .

Lynst.

No faith they are drunke too , what shal s do therefore .

mono.

Sit vp at Cards al night ?

mab.

That s Serning mans fashion .

Whirl.

Drinke burnt wine and Egs then ?

Iud.

That s an exercise for your sub-burbe wenches .

Cla.

No no , le ts set vpon our posset and so march to bed , for I begin to wax light with hauing my Natural sleep puld-out a mine eies .

Omn.

Agreed : be et so , the sacke posset and to bed .

mono.

What Chamberlain ? I must take a pipe of Tobacco .

3. Woman .

Not here , not here , not here .

mab.

I le rather loue a man that takes a purse , then him that takes Tobacco .

Cla.

By my little finger I le breake al your pipes , and burne the Case , and the box too , and you drawe out your stinking smoake afore me .

mono .

Prethee good mistris 〈◊〉 , I le ha done in a trice .

mono.

Do you long to haue me swoune ?

mono.

I le vse but halfe a pipe in troth .

Cla.

Do you long to see me lie at your feet !

mono.

Smell too t : tis perfum'd .

Cla.

Oh God ? Oh God ? you anger me : you stir my bloud : you moue me : you make me spoile a good face with frowning at you : this was euer your fashion , so to smoake my Husband when you come home , that I could not abide him in mine eye : hee was a moate in it me thought a month after : pray spawle in another roome : fie , fie , fie .

Mo.

Well , well , come , wee le for once feed hir humor .

Iud.

Get two roomes off at least if you loue vs .

Mab.

Three , three , maister Lynstocke three .

Lin.

Sfoote wee le dance to Norwich , and take it there , if you le stay till we returne agen ? Heere s a stir , you le ill abide a fiery face , that cannot endure a smoaky nose .

Mo.

Come le ts satisfie our appetite .

Whi.

And that wil be hard for vs , but wee le do our best .

Exeunt . Cla.

So : are they departed ? What string may wee three thinke that these three gallants harp vppon , by bringing vs to this sinfull towne of Brainford ? ha ?

Iud.

I know what string they would harpe vppon , if they could put vs into the righ tune .

Mab.

I know what one of em buz'd in mine eare , till like a Theese in a Candle , he made mine eares burne , but I swore to say nothing .

Cla.

I know as verily they hope , and brag one to another , that this night thei le row westward in our husbands whirries , as wee hope to bee rowd to London to morrowe morning in a paire of oares . But wenches le ts bee wise , and make Rookes of them that I warrant are now setting pursenets to conycatch vs .

Both .

Content .

Cla.

They shall know that Citizens wiues haue wit enough to out strip twenty such guls ; tho we are merry , le ts not be mad : be as wanton as new married wiues , as fantasticke and light headed to the eye , as fether-makers , but as pure about the heart , as if we dwelt amongst em in Black Fryers .

Mab.

Wee le eate and drinke with em .

Clar.

Oh yes : eate with em as hungerly as souldiers : drinke ▪ as if we were Froes : talke as freely as Iestors , but doe as little as misers . Who ( like dry Nurses ) haue great breastes but giue no milke . It were better we should laugh at their popin-Jayes , then liue in feare of their prating tongues : tho we lye all night out of the Citty , they shall not find country wenches of vs : but since we ha brought em thus far into a fooles Paradice , leaue em in t : the Iest shal be a stock to maintain vs and our pewfellowes in laughing at christnings , cryings out , and vpsittings this 12. month : how say you wenches , haue I set the Sadle on the right horse .

Boath .

O t will be excellent .

Mab.

But how shall we shift em off ?

Cla.

Not as ill debters do their Creditors ( with good wordes ) but as Lawyers do their Clyents when their ouerthrown , by some new knauish tricke : and thus it shall bee : one of vs must dissemble to be suddenly very sick .

Iud.

I le be she .

Clar.

Nay , tho we can all dissemble well , yet I le be she : for men are so iealous , or rather enuious of one anothers happinesse ( Especially in this out of towne gossipings ) that he who shall misse his hen , if hee be a right Cocke indeede , will watch the other from treading .

Mab.

That s certaine , I know that by my selfe .

Cla.

And like Esops Dog , vnlesse himselfe might eate hay , wil lie in the manger and starue : but hee le hinder the horse from eating any : besides it will be as good as a Welch hooke for you to keepe out the other at the Staues end : for you may boldly stand vppon this point , that vnlesse euery mans heeles may bee tript vp , you scorne to play at football .

Iud.

That 's certaine : peace I heare them spitting after their Tobacco .

Cla.

A chaire , a chaire , one of you keepe as great a coyle and calling , and as if you ran for a midwife : th o'ther holde my head : whylst I cut my lace .

Mab.

Passion of me ? maister Monopoly , maister Linstocke and you be men , help to daw mistris Tenterhooke : O quickly , quickly , shee s sicke and taken with an Agony .

Enter as she cryes Monopohe , Whirlepoole , and Lynstocke , Omni.

Sick ? How ? how now ? what s the matter ?

Monop.

Sweete Clare call vp thy spirits .

Clare .

O maister Monopoly , my spirits will not comet a my calling , I am terrible and Ill : Sure , sure , I 'me struck with some wicked planet , for it hit my very hart : Oh I feele my selfe worse and worse .

Mono.

Some burnt Sack for her good wenches : or possit drink , poxe a this Rogue Chamberlin , one of you call him : how her pulses beate : a draught of Cynamon water now for her , were better than two Tankerdes out of the Thames : how now ? Ha .

Cla.

Ill , ill , ill , ill , ill .

Mono.

I 'me accurst to spend mony in this Towne of iniquity : there s no good thing euer comes out of it : and it stands vppon such musty ground , by reason of the Riuer , that I cannot see how a tender woman can do well in t , Sfoot ? Sick now ? cast down now t is come to the push .

Cla.

My mind misgiues me that als not sound at London .

Whirle.

Poxe on em that be not sounde , what need that touch you ?

Cla.

I feare you le neuer carry me thither .

Omni.

Puh , puh , say not so .

Cla.

Pray let my cloathes be vtterly vndone , and then lay mee in my bed .

Lynst.

Walke vp and downe a little .

Cla.

O maister Lynstock , t is no walking will serue my turne : haue me to bed good sweete Mistris Honisuckle , I doubt that olde Hag Gillian of Braineford has bewitcht me .

Mono.

Looke to her good wenches .

Mab.

I so we will , and to you too : this was excellent .

Exeunt . whirle .

This is strange .

Lynst.

Villanous spiteful luck : no matter , th , other two hold byas .

Whirle.

Peace , marke how hee s nipt : nothing greeues mee so much as that poore Pyramus here must haue a wall this night betweene him and his Thisbe .

Mono.

No remedy trusty Troylus : and it greeues me as much , that you le want your false Cressida to night , for heere s no sir Pandarus to vsher you into your Chamber .

Lynst.

I le somon a parlee to one of the Wenches , and see how all goes .

Mono.

No whispring with the common enimy by this Iron : he sees the Diuell that sees how all goes amongst the women to night : Nay Sfoot ? If I stand piping till you dance , damne me .

Lyn.

Why you le let me call to em but at the key-hole .

Mono.

Puh , good maister Lynstocke , I le not stand by whilst you giue Fire at your Key-holes ? I le hold no Trencher till an other feedes : no stirrup till another gets vp : be no doore-keeper . I ha not beene so often at Court , but I know what the back-side of the Hangings are made of I le trust none vnder a peece of Tapistry , viz. a Couerlet .

Whirl.

What will you say if the Wenches do this to gull vs ?

Mono.

No matter , I le not be doubly guld , by them and by you : goe , will you take the lease of the next chamber and doe as I do .

Both .

And what s that ?

Mono.

Any villanie in your company , but nothing out on 't will you sit vp , or lie by 'te .

Whirl.

Nay lie sure , for lying is most in fashion .

Mono.

Troth then ; I le haue you before mee .

Booth .

It shall be youres .

Mono.

Yours ifaith : I le play Ianus with two faces & looke a squint both wayes for one night .

Lyn.

Well Sir , you shall be our dore-keeper .

Mono. Since we must swim , le ts leape into one flood , Wee le either be all naught , or els all good . Exeunt . Enter a noyse of Fidlers , following the Chamberlyn . Cham.

Come , come , come , follow mee , follow mee . I warrant you ha lost more by not falling into a sound last night , than euer you got at one Iob since it pleas'd to make you a noise : I can tell you , gold is no money with them : follow me and fum , as you goe ; you shall put something into their eares , whilst I prouide to put something into their bellies . Followe close and sum —

Exeunt . Enter Sir Gozlin and Bird-lime puld along by him . Goz.

What kin art thou to Long-Meg of Westminster ? th' art like her .

Bird.

Some-what a like Sir at a blush , nothing a kin Sir , sauing in height of minde , and that she was a goodly Woman .

Goz.

Mary Anbree , do not you know me ? had not I a sight of this sweete Phisnomy at Renish-wine house ! ha last day i th Stilliard ha ! whither art bound Galley-foist ? whether art bound ? whence com'st thou female yeoman — a the gard ?

Bird.

From London Sir .

Goz.

Dost come to keepe the dore Ascapart .

Bird.

My reparations hether is to speake with the Gentlewoman here that drunke with your worshippe at the Dutchhouse of meeting .

Goz.

Drunke with mee , you lie , not drunke with me : but 'faith what wou'dst with the Women ? they are a bed : art not a mid-wife ? one of hem told mee thou wert a night woman .

Musick within : the Fidlers . Bird.

I ha brought some women a bed , in my time Sir .

Goz.

I and some yong-men too , ha'st not Pandora ? howe now ! where 's this noyse .

Bird.

I le commit your worship .

Goz.

To the Stockes ? art a Iustice ? shalt not commit mee : dance first 'faith , why scrapers , appeare vnder the wenches Comicall Window , by th' Lord ! Vds Daggers ? cannot sinne be set a shore once in a raigne vpon your Country quarters , but it must haue fidling ? what set of Villaines are you , you perpetuall Ragamuffins ?

Fid.

The Towne Consort Sir .

Gaz.

Consort with a pox ? cannot the shaking of the sheets be danc'd without your Town piping ? nay then let al hel rore

Fid.

I beseech you Sir , put vp yours , and wee 'le put vp ours :

Goz.

Play you louzie Hungarians : see , looke the Maipole is set vp , wee le dance about it : keepe this circle Maquerelle .

Bird.

I am no Mackrell , and i le keepe no Circles .

Goz.

Play , life of Pharao play , the Bawde shall teach mee a Scotch Iigge .

Bird.

Bawd ! I defie thee and thy Iigges whatsoeuer thou art : were I in place where , I de make thee proue thy wordes .

Goz.

I wud proue 'hem Mother best be trust : why doe not I know you Granam ? and that Suger-loafe ? ha ! doe I not Magara .

Bird.

I am none of your Megges , do not nick-name me so : I will not be nickt .

Goz.

You will not : you will not : how many of my name ( of the Glowormes ) haue paid for your furr'd Gownes , thou Womans broker .

Bird.

No Sir , I scorne to bee beholding to any Glo-worme that liues vppon Earth for my furre : I can keepe my selfe warme without Glowormes .

Goz.

Canst sing Wood-pecker ? come sing and wake 'hem .

Bird.

Wud you should well know it , I am no singing Woman .

Goz.

Howle then ! sfoote sing , or howle , or I le break your Estrich Egshell there .

Bird.

My Egge hurts not you , what doe you meane to florish so .

Goz.

Sing Madge , Madge , sing Owlet .

Bird.

How can I sing with such a sowre face — I am haunted with a caugh and cannot sing .

Goz.

One of your Instruments Mowntibankes , come , here clutch : clutch .

Bird.

Alas Sir , I 'me an olde woman , and knowe not how to clutch an instrument .

Goz.

Looke marke too and fro as I rub it : make a noyse : it s no matter : any hunts vp , to waken vice .

Bird.

I shall neuer rub it in tune .

Goz.

Will you scrape ?

Biod.

So you will let me go into the parties , I will sawe , & make a noyse .

Goz.

Doe then : shatt into the parties , and part 'hem : shat my leane Lana .

Bird.

If I must needes play the Foole in my olde dayes , let mee haue the biggest instrument , because I can hold that best : I shall cough like a broken winded horse , if I gape once to sing once .

Goz.

No matter cough out thy Lungs .

Bird.

No Sir , tho I me olde , and worme-eaten I me not so rotten —

Coughes . A SONG .

Will your worship be ridde of me now .

Goz.

Faine , as rich-mens heyres would bee of their gowtye dads : that s the hot-house , where your parties are sweating : amble : goe , tell the Hee parties I haue sent 'hem a Maste to their shippe .

Bird.

Yes forsooth I le do your errand .

Exit . Goz.

Halfe musty still by thundring Ioue : with what wedge of villanie might I cleaue out an howre or two ? Fidlers , come : strike vp . march before mee , the Chamberlaine shall put a Crowne for you into his bill of Items : you shall sing bawdie songs vnder euery window i th Towne : vp will the Clownes start , downe come the Wenches , wee 'le set the Men a fighting the Women a scolding , the Dogs a barking , you shall go on fidling , and I follow dancing Lantara : curry your instruments : play and away .

Exit . Enter Tenter-hooke , Hony-suckle , Wafer , Parenthesis , and his wife with Ambush and Chamberlayn . Hony .

Serieant Ambush , as th' art an honest fellow , scowte in some back roome , till the watch-word be giuen for sallying forth .

Amb.

Duns the Mouse .

Exit . Tent.

— A little low-woman saist thou , — in a Veluet-cappe-and one of ' him in a Beauer ? brother Honny-suckle , and brother Wafer , hearke — they are they .

Waf,

But art sure theyr husbands are a bed with 'hem ?

Cha.

I thinke so Sir , I know not , I left 'hem together in one roome : and what diuision fell amongst 'hem , the fates can descouer not I .

Tent.

Leaue vs good Chamberlaine , wee are some of their friends : leaue vs good Chamberlaine : be merry a little : leaue vs honest Chamberlaine — Exit . Wee are abuzd , wee are bought and sold in Brainford Market ; neuer did the sicknesse of one belyed nurse-child , sticke so cold to the heartes of three Fathers : never were three innocent Cittizens so horribly , so abhominably wrung vnder the withers .

Both .

What shall wee do ? how shall we helpe our selues ?

Hony .

How shall we pull this thorne out off our foote before it rancle ?

Tent.

Yes , yes , yes , well enough ; one of vs stay here to watch doe you see : to watch : haue an eye , haue an eare . I and my brother Wafer , and Maist. Iustiniano , will set the towne in an insurrection , bring hither the Constable , and his Billmen , breake open vpon hem , take 'hem in their wickednesse , and put 'hem to their purgation .

Both .

Agreed .

Par.

Ha , ha , purgation .

Tent.

Wee 'le haue 'hem before some Countrey Iustice of Coram ( for we scorne to be bound to the Peace ) and this Iustice shall draw his Sword in our defence , if we finde 'hem to be Malefactors wee 'le ticle 'hem .

Hony .

Agreed : doe not say , but doo 't come .

Par.

Are you mad ? do you know what you doe ? whether will you runne ?

All 3 ,

To set the Towne an an vprore .

Par.

An vprore ! will you make the Townesmen think , that Londoners neuer come hither but vpon Saint Thomases night ? Say you should rattle vp the Constable : thrash all the Countrey together , hedge in the house with Flayles , Pike-staues , and Pitch-forkes , take your wiues napping , these Westerne Smelts nibling , and that like so many Vulcans ; euery Smith should discouer his Venus dancing with Mars , in a net ? wud this plaster cure the head-ake .

Tent.

I , it wood .

All 3.

Nay it shud .

Par.

Nego , Nego , no no , it shall bee prou'd vnto you , your heads would ake worse : when women are proclaymed to bee light , they striue to be more light , for who dare disproue a Proclamation .

Tent.

I but when light Wiues make heauy husbands , let these husbands play mad Hamlet ; and crie reuenge , come , and wee le do so .

Mist. Iust.

Pray stay , be not so heady at my intreaty .

Par.

My wife intreats you , and I intreat you to haue mercy on your selues , though you haue none ouer the women . I le tell you a tale : this last Christmas a Cittizen and his wife ( as it might be one of you ) were inuited to the Reuells one night at one of the Innes a Court : the husband ( hauing businesse ) trusts his wife thither to take vp a roome for him before : shee did so : but before shee went ; doubts a rising , what blockes her husband would stumble at , to hinder his entrance , It was consulted vpon , by what token , by what trick , by what banner , or brooch he should bee knowne to bee hee when hee wrapt at the Gate :

All 3.

Very good .

Par.

The croud he was told would be greater , their clamors greater , and able to droune the throats of a shoule of fish wiues : he himselfe therefore deuises an excellent watch-word , and the signe at which he would hang out himselfe , should be a horne : he would wind his horne , and that should giue 'hem warning that he was come .

All 3.

So .

Par.

The torchmen and whifflers had an Item to receaiue him : he comes , ringes out his horne with an allarum , enters with a showte , all the house rises ( thinking some sowgelder prest in ) his wife blusht , the company Iested , the simple man like a begger going to the stocks laught , as not being sencible of his own disgrace , & hereupon the punyes set downe this decre that no man shall hereafter come to laugh at their reuells ( if his wife be entred before him ) vnles he cary his horne about him

Waf.

I le not trouble them .

Par.

So if you trompet a broad and preach at the market crosse , you wiues shame , t is your owne shame .

All .

What shall we doe then !

Par.

Take my councell , I le aske no fee sort : bar our host : banish mine hostes , beate a way the Chamberlin , let the ostlers walke , enter you the chambers peaceably , locke the dores gingerly , looke vpon your wiues wofully , but vpon the euill-doers , most wickedly .

Tent.

What shall wee reap by this .

Par.

An excellent haruest , this , you shall heare the poore mouse-trapt-guilty-gentlemen call for mercy ; your wiues you shall see kneelig at your feet , and weeping , and wringing , and blushing , and cursing Brainford and crying pardona may pardona may , pardona may , whilst you haue the choise to stand either as Iudges to condemne 'hem , beadles to torment 'hem , or confessors to absolued 'hem : And what a glory will it be for you 3. to kisse your wiues like forgetfull husbands , to exhort and forgiue the young men like pittifull fathers ; then to call for oares , then to cry hay for London , then to make a Supper , then to drowne all in Sacke and Suger , then to goe to bed , and then to rise and open shop , where you may aske any man what he lacks with your cap off , and none shall perceiue whether the brims wring you .

Tent.

Wee le raise no townes .

Hony .

No , no , le ts knock first .

Wa.

I that s best I le somon a parle . —

knocks Cla.

Whos 's there ? haue you stock-fish in hand that you beat so hard : who are you ?

Tent.

that s my wife ; let Instiniano speak for al they know our Tongues .

Cla.

What a murren aile these colts , to keepe such a kicking ? Monopoly .

Par.

Yes .

Cla.

Is M. Lynstock vp too , and the Captaine .

Par.

Both are in the field : will you open your dore ?

Cla.

O you are proper Gamsters to bring false dice with you fro London to cheat your selues . I st possible that 3 shallowe women should gul . 3. such Gallants .

Tent.

What meanes this .

Cla.

Haue we defied you vpon the wals all night to open our gates to you i th morning . Our honest husbands they ( silly men ) lie praying in their beds now , that the water vnder vs may not be rough , the tilt that couers vs may not be rent , & the strawe about our feete may keepe our pritty legs warme . I warrant they walk vpon Queen-hiue ( as Leander did for Hero ) to watch for our landing , and should we wrong such kind hearts ? wud we might euer be trobled with the tooth-ach the .

Tent.

This thing that makes fooles of vs thus , is my wife .

Knockes . Mab.

I , I knock your bellies full , we hugg one another a bed and lie laughing till we tickle againe to remember how wee sent you a Bat-fowling .

Waf.

An Almond Parrat : that 's my Mabs voice , I know by the sound .

Par.

Sfoote you ha spoild halfe already , & you le spoile al , if you dam not vp your 〈◊〉 villanie ! nothing but villany , I me afraid they haue smelt your breaths at the key hole , & now they set you to catch Flounders , whilst in the meane time , the concupiscentious Malefactors make 'em ready & take London napping .

Al 3.

I le not be guld so

Ten.

Shew your selues to be men , and breake open dores .

Par.

Breake open doores , & shew your selues to be beasts : if you break open dores , your wiues may lay flat burglary to your charge .

Hony .

Lay a pudding ; burglarie .

Par,

Will you then turne Coridons because you are among clowns ? shal it be said you haue no braines being in Brainford .

Parenthesis we will enter and set vpon 'em .

Par,

Well do so : but enter not so that all the countrey may crie shame of your doings : knocke 'hem downe , burst open Erebus , and bring an old house ouer your heads if you do .

Waf.

No matter , wee le beare it of with head & shoulders . 〈◊〉

Mab.

You cannot enter indeed la , gods my pittikin our 3 husbands somon a parlee ; let that long old woman either creepe vnder the bed or else stand vpright behind the painted cloth .

Exit . Waf.

Doe you heare : you Mabel :

Mab.

Let s neuer hide our heads now , for we are descouered .

Hony .

But all this while , my Hony-suckle appeares not .

Par.

Why then two of them haue pitcht their tents there & yours lies in Ambuscado with your enemy there .

Hony .

Stand vpon your gard there , whilst I batter here .

knock Mono.

Who 's there ?

Par.

Hold , I le speake in a small voice like one of the women ; here 's a friend : are you vp ? rize , rize ; stir , stirre .

Mono.

Vds foote , what Weasell are you ? are you going to catch Quailes , that you bring your pipes with you . I le see what troubled Ghost it is that cannot sleepe .

Lookes out . Tent.

O Maist. Monopoly God saue you .

Mono.

Amen , for the last time I sawe you , the Diuell was at mine elbow in Buffe , what ! 3 mery men , & 3. mery men , & 3. merry men be we too ,

Hon.

How do's my wife M. Monop .

Mono.

Who ? my ouerthwart neighbour : passing well : this is kindly don : Sir Gozlin is not far from you : wee 'le ioyne our Armies presently , here be rare fields to walk in-Captaine rize , Captain Lynstock bestir your stumps , for the Philestins are vpon vs

Exit . Tent.

This Monopoly is an arrant knaue , a cogging knaue , for all hee s a Courtier , if Monopoly bee sufferd to ride vp and downe with other mens wives , hee 'le vn-do both Citty and Countrey .

Enter the three wiues . Par.

Mol , maske thy selfe , they shall not know thee .

All 3.

How now sweet hearts , what make you here .

Waf.

Not that which you make here .

Tent.

Mary you make Bulls of your husbands .

Cla.

Buzzards do we not ? out you yellow infirmities : do al flowers shew in your eyes like Columbines .

Waf.

Wife what saies the Collier ? is not thy Soule blacker then his coales ? how does the child ? howe does my flesh and bloud wife ?

Mab.

Your flesh and bloud is very well recouered now mouse -

Waf.

I know t is : the Collier has a sack-full of newes to empty .

Tent.

Clare Where be your two ringes with Diamonds ?

Clare ,

At hand sir , here with a wet finger .

Tent.

I dreamt you had lost hem — what a prophane varlet is this shoulder clapper , to lye thus vpon my wife & herringes .

Enter Monopoly , Whyrlpoole and Lynstock . All 3.

Saue you gentlemen ;

Tent. Hony . Waf.

And you and our wiues from you .

Mono.

Your wiues haue saude themselues for one .

Tent.

Maist. Monopoly , tho I meet you in hie Germany , I hope you can vnderstand broken English , haue you dischargd your debt .

Mono.

yes Sir : with a duble charge , your Harpy that set his ten commandemets vpon my backe had 2. Dyamondes to saue him harmles .

Tent.

of you Sir .

Mono.

Me Sir , do you think there be no dyamond courtiers .

Enter . Ambush , Tent.

Sargent Ambush issue forth , Monopoly I le cut off your conuoy maist , Sargant Ambush , I charge you as you hope to receaue comfort from the smell of Mace speake not like a Sargent , but deale honestly , of whome had you the dyamondes .

Amb.

Of your wife Sir if I me an honest man .

Cla.

Of me you peuter-buttoned rascall .

Mono.

Siria you that liue by nothing but the carion of poultry .

Cla.

Schoole Maister harke heither .

Mono.

Where are my iems and pretious stones that were my bale .

Amb.

Forth comming Sir tho your mony is not , your crediter has hem .

Par.

Excellent ; peace , why M. Tenterhooke , if the dyamondes be of the reported value , I le paie your mony receaue em , keepe 'hem till Maist. Monopoly be fatter i th purse : for Maist. Monopoly I know you wil not be long empty Mast . Monopoly .

Cla.

Let him haue 'hem good Tenterhooke , where are they .

Tent.

At home , I lockt hem vp . —

Enter Birdlime . Bird.

No indeed for-sooth , I lockt 'hem vp , & thos are they your wife has , and those are they your husband ( like a bad liuer as he is ) would haue giuen to a neice of mine , ( that lies in my house to take phisick ) to haue committed fleshly treason with her .

Tent.

I at your house — you old —

Bird.

You perdy , and that honest batchiler , neuer call me old for the matter .

Iud.

Motherly woman hee s my husband and no Batchelers buttons are at his doublett

Bird.

las , I speake Innocently and that leane gentleman set in his staffe there : But as I me a sinner , both I and the yong woman had an eye to the mayne chance , & tho they brought more a bout 'hem than capten Candishis voiage came to , they should not , nor could not ( vnles I had bin a naughty woman ) haue entred the straytes .

All 3.

Haue we smelt you out foxes .

Cla.

Doe you come after vs with hue and cry when you are the theeues your Selues .

Iud.

Murder I see cannot be hid , but if this old Sybill of yours speake oracles , for my part , I le be like an Almanacke that threatens nothing but foule wether .

Tent.

That bawd has bin dambd . 500 times , and is her word to be taken .

Par.

To be dambd once is enough , for any one of her coate .

Bird.

Why Sir . what is my coat that you fitt thus vpon my Scirts .

Par.

Thy Coat is an ancient Coat , one of the seauen deadly sinnes , put thy coat first to making ; but do you heare , you mother of Iniquity , you that can loose and find your eares when you list go , saile with the rest of your baudie-traffikers to the place of sixe-penny Sinfulnesse the subvrbes .

Bird.

I scorne the Sinfulnesse of any subvrbes in Christendom t is wel knowne I haue vp-rizers and downe-lyers within the Citty , night by night , like a prophane fellow as thou art .

Par.

Right , I know thou hast , I le tell you Gentle-folkes , there s more resort to this Fortune-teller , then of forlorne wiues married to old husbands , and of Greene-sicknesse Wenches that can get no husbands to the house of a wise-Woman . Shee has tricks to keepe a vaulting house vnder the Lawes nose .

Bird.

Thou dost the Lawes nose wrong to bely mee so .

Prr.

For either a cunning woman has a Chamber in her house or a Phisition , or a picture maker , or an Attorney , because all these are good Clokes for the raine . And then if the female party that 's cliented aboue-Staires , be yong , Shee s a Squires daughter of lowe degree , that lies there for phisicke , or comes vp to be placed with a Countesse : if of middle age , shee s a Widow , and has sutes at the terme or so .

Iud.

O fie vpon her , burne the witch out of our company .

Cla.

Let s hem her out off Brainford , if shee get not the faster to London .

Mab.

O no , for Gods sake , rather hem her out off London and let her keepe in Brainford still .

Bird.

No you cannot hem me out of London ; had I known this your rings should ha bin poxt er — I wud ha toucht 'hem : I will take a paire of Oares , and leaue you .

Exit . Par.

Let that ruine of intemperance bee rakt vp in dust and ashes , and now tell me , if you had raysed the Towne , had not the tiles tumbled vpon your heads : for you see your Wiues are chast , these Gentlemen ciuill , all is but a merriment , all but a May-game ; she has her Diamonds , you shall haue your money the child is recouered , the false Collier discouered , they came to Brainford to be merry , you were caught in Bird-lime ; and therefore set the Hares-head against the Goose-giblets , put all instruments in tune , and euery husband play musicke vpon the lips of his Wife whilst I begin first .

Omt.

Come wenches bee 't so ,

Cla.

Mist. Iustiniano i st you were asham'd all this while of shewing your face , is she your wife Schoolemaister .

Par

Looke you , your Schoole-maister has bin in France , and lost his hayre , no more Parenthesis now , but Iustiniano , I will now play the Merchant with you . Looke not strange at her , nor at mee , the story of vs both , shall bee as good , as an olde wiues tale , to cut off our way to London . Enter Chamberlain , How now ?

Cham.

Alas Sir , the Knight yonder Sir Gozlin has almost his throat cut by Powlterers and Townes-men and rascalls , & all the Noise that went with him poore fellowes haue their Fidle-cases puld ouer their eares .

Omn.

Is Sir Gozlin hurt ?

Cham.

Not much hurt Sir , but he bleedes like a Pig , for his crowne 's crackt .

Iud.

Then has he beene twise cut i th head since we landed , once with a Pottle-po●and now with old iron .

Par.

Gentlemen hasten to his rescue some , whilst others call for Oares .

Omn,

Away then to London .

Par. Farewell Brainford . Gold that buyes health , can neuer be ill spent , Nor howres laid out in harmelesse meryment . Exeunt . Finis Act. Quint.

SONG . OAres , Oares , Oares , Oares : To London hay , to London hay : Hoist vp sayles and le ts away , for the safest bay For vs to land is London shores . Oares , Oares , Oares , Oares : Quickly shall wee get to Land , If you , if you , if you , Lend vs but halfe a hand . O lend vs halfe a hand . Exeunt . FINIS .

Machine-generated castlist A20100-birdlime 114 A20100-tenterhook 79 A20100-monopoly 79 A20100-justiniano 73 A20100-parenthesis 66 A20100-honeysuckle 60 A20100-clare 52 A20100-earl 44 A20100-judith 44 A20100-wafer 39 A20100-goseling 35 A20100-moll 34 A20100-ambush 26 A20100-mabel 24 A20100-whirlpool 23 A20100-merchants_wife 20 A20100-mrs_tenterhook 20 A20100-mrs_justiniano 19 A20100-linstock 16 A20100-luce 14 A20100-mrs_wafer 14 A20100-omnes 13 A20100-all 12 A20100-chamberlain 9 A20100-taylor 7 A20100-boy 7 A20100-mrs_honeysuckle 7 A20100-unassigned 6 A20100-both 6 A20100-1_servant 5 A20100-prentise 5 A20100-boniface 4 A20100-servant 3 A20100-multiple 3 A20100-fiddler 2 A20100-hans 2 A20100-christian 1 A20100-scrivener 1 A20100-3_woman 1 A20100-onmnes 1 A20100-3_servant 1 A20100-nrs_birdlime 1 A20100-all_three 1 A20100-2_servant 1

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c0cjb-003-a-0040 Coun●rey Honest Countrey Wenches , in what hundred shall a man find c0cjb-003-a-0760 wi●e name you any one thing that your cittizens wife coms sho●t of to your Lady . They haue as c0cjb-003-a-0940 lou● haue as pure Linnen , as choyce painting , loue greene Greese in spring , Mallard and Teale c0cjb-003-a-0960 Greese Linnen , as choyce painting , loue greene Geese in spring , Mallard and Teale in the fall c0cjb-003-a-1970 l●ar●e : and I wist this is better wit , then to learne how to weare a Scotch Farthingale : nay c0cjb-003-a-2710 Mi●tris leaue Batcheller : is the gentlewoman your Mistris stirring ? c0cjb-003-a-3840 kn●uery no , shees acquainted well inough with my knauery . c0cjb-003-a-3860 En●●r Enter the Marchants Wife . c0cjb-003-a-3890 Wi●e Enter the Marchants Wife . c0cjb-003-b-0440 Ias Sleepe , I as quietly as a Clyent hauing great businesse c0cjb-003-b-2160 repo●t apparell , well , I shall vndergoe a strange report in leauing my husband . c0cjb-003-b-2410 appatell neuer thinke of that , for beauty couets tich apparell , choyce dyet , excellent Physicke , no c0cjb-003-b-2430 ●hoyce that , for beauty couets tich apparell , choyce dyet , excellent Physicke , no German Clock c0cjb-003-b-2490 ●o apparell , choyce dyet , excellent Physicke , no German Clock no Mathematicall Ingin : whatsoeuer c0cjb-003-b-3460 ma●ryed I haue heard he loued you before you were marryed intyrely , what of that ? I haue euer found c0cjb-003-b-3630 experyenc● haue euer found it most true in myne owne experyence , that they which are most violent dotards c0cjb-003-b-4120 impo●●ible Italian your Husbands Countryman , holdes it impossible any of their Ladies should be excellent c0cjb-004-a-0440 p●euish You are nice and peeuish , how long will you holde out thinke you c0cjb-004-a-0900 Mi●tris that I come to sell you complexion : truely Mistris I will deale very reasonably with you . c0cjb-004-a-1260 I●aliousie Why your Iealiousie ? c0cjb-004-a-3020 Ginimo●y excellent ground-worke for painting ; Heere is Ginimony likewise burnt , and puluerized , to be c0cjb-004-b-1790 Apri●l for a night of hearing . Come lets not haue Aprill in your eyes I pray you , it shewes a wanton c0cjb-004-b-2070 Oist●rs Loue a woman for her teares ? Let a man loue Oisters for their water , for women though they c0cjb-004-b-2180 ●cour water , for women though they shoulde weepe licour enough to serue a Dyer , or a Brewer , yet c0cjb-004-b-2480 Billingsga●e euery second tyde betweene Graues ende , and Billingsgate . c0cjb-005-a-1710 esta●e besides I heare you haue made ouer all your estate to men in the Towne heer ? What would you c0cjb-005-a-2660 ●eruice vndone you , and me . You married me from the seruice of an honorable Lady , and you knew what c0cjb-005-a-4390 voiag● I haue no counsell in your voiage , neither shall you haue any in mine . c0cjb-005-b-1020 neare-meete apparell so , if not choose , I hope we shall near meete more . c0cjb-005-b-1850 besuch where my Night-cap wringes me , except I be such an asse to proclaime it ; Well , I c0cjb-005-b-3170 oue● the other to baile him : my estate is made ouer to . My friends , that doe verily beleeue c0cjb-005-b-4000 Iustinian● Exit Iustininane . c0cjb-005-b-4040 Tenter●ooke Enter Maister Tenterhooke , his Wife , Maister Monopoly , a Scrivener c0cjb-005-b-4130 Scri●ener Tenterhooke , his Wife , Maister Monopoly , a Scrivener and a Casheire . c0cjb-006-a-0900 a way No , in-troth tis no matter , twill away in play , let me see the bond ? let me see c0cjb-006-a-3270 of●n good maister Monopoly , I pre-thee visit mee ofen . c0cjb-007-b-2480 Hon●suckle remember my school master . Farewel good Honysuckle . c0cjb-007-b-2550 Exeu●● Exeunt . c0cjb-007-b-2850 Beniface Boniface , make an ende of my cloake and Cap. c0cjb-008-a-1870 y●ch I can allow her almost an ynch : go , tell her so , very neere an inch c0cjb-008-a-3750 falue They say Charing-crosse is falne downe , since I went to Rochell : but thats c0cjb-008-b-2250 for-enoone , wee are to shuffle vp many matters in a fore-noone . Certes maister Honisuckle , I would sing c0cjb-009-a-0190 herpen She leanes somewhat too hard vppon her pen yet sir , but practise and animaduersion c0cjb-009-a-0850 h●r you in her bed , and told me she was past her letters . c0cjb-009-a-2900 ca● fetches vp you best of al : her single you she can fashion two or three waies : but her double c0cjb-009-a-3470 Tenterbooke hower , then I can fasten either vpon mistris Tenterhooke , or mistris Wafer , or Mistris Flapdragon c0cjb-009-b-0420 ●ay what I haue promist her if shee doe mende : say by my fay Iude , this is well , if you would c0cjb-011-a-2700 thouspak'st Affliction to me , then thou spak'st not to her ? c0cjb-011-a-3170 yel●ow-hammer ever he fall into my clutches : Ile make the yellow-hammer her husband knowe , ( for all hees an Italian c0cjb-011-a-3470 whetstonesly honest motherly gentlewoman . Now , what cold whetstones ly ouer your stomacher ? wil you haue some c0cjb-011-a-4300 B●rd. Bird . c0cjb-011-b-1080 vouchsa●e golden keyes T'vnlock thy lips . Did she vouchsafe to take them ? c0cjb-011-b-2170 al●raine This showre shall fil them all raine in their laps , what golden drops c0cjb-012-a-0250 Sweety'are Yare welcome : Sweet y'are welcome . Blesse my hand With the c0cjb-012-b-2020 hould● your seruant , and I sweare by that which I houlde deare in you , your beauty ( and which Ile c0cjb-012-b-3590 Po●erty Poverty , thou bane of Chastity , Poison of beauty c0cjb-012-b-3890 Sheel● nor Wit can scale the hold , Wealth must . Sheele nere be won , that defies golde . c0cjb-013-a-0320 Bird●●me Enter Birdlime . c0cjb-013-a-0770 wou●d pear-coloured-beards , that by their good 〈◊〉 would haue no pretty woman scape them . c0cjb-013-a-1740 Veuturer Coniurst , And that I were turn'd common Venturer , I could not loue this old man . c0cjb-013-a-3050 N● No , none at al , not anie . c0cjb-013-a-3480 m● eie-sore to wel giuen mē , I dare pawne my gowne and al the beddes in my house , and c0cjb-013-b-2790 Aq●a-vite Cocknyes , ( especially Shee-Cocknies ) loue not Aqua-vite when tis-good for them . c0cjb-013-b-3630 Pottecariesith your Tenterhook : pox on her ? Are there no Pottecaries ith Town to send her Phisick-bils to , but me c0cjb-014-a-0010 yo● restoratiue words . Good Maister Monopoly you know how welcome yare to the Citty , and c0cjb-014-a-4840 ●m Curtaines ; and lets see the pictures vnder em . c0cjb-015-a-0100 E●esdroppers Whose there ? Peepers : Intelligencers : Evesdroppers . c0cjb-015-a-2290 I●would em come . By this glasse of womans wine , I would not ha seene their Spirits walke heere c0cjb-015-a-3380 B●ack-wall What say you to Black-wall , or Lime-house ? c0cjb-015-a-4370 ●lenly with what pullies shall wee slide with some clenly excuse , out of our husbandes suspition c0cjb-015-b-4370 Mid-wi●e Gozlin shees a very honest woman , and a Mid-wife . c0cjb-016-b-0950 Husba●d be much troubled with him . By my sooth my Husband hath a hand as dry as his braines , and c0cjb-016-b-3950 ot then in a Iaile , and there had bin a Punk or two in the company then we should not haue c0cjb-016-b-5160 Cu●purse betweene this and Ludgate , then a condemned Cutpurse thinkes it between Newgate and Tyburne . c0cjb-017-a-0690 ●eare Franke , but Ile get mee two Gaunlets for feare I lose my fingers in the dishes , their c0cjb-017-a-3860 m● should come by his own ▪ but as God mend me gentlemen I haue not one crosse about me c0cjb-018-b-1440 he● speake any thing in her sleepe , I haue iog'd her , and cried I sweete heart . But when wil c0cjb-019-a-0860 ●ealious her husband loues her not if hee bee not iealious : what confirmes the liberty of our women c0cjb-019-a-3270 repenta●tly wife ▪ directed to S●ode , wherein shee most repentantly intreateth my return , with protestation c0cjb-019-a-3780 neue● Chastity , and that which pleaseth many is neuer free from temtation : as for Iealousie , c0cjb-019-a-3810 ●emtation that which pleaseth many is neuer free from temtation : as for Iealousie , it makes many Cuckoldes c0cjb-019-a-4290 Tenterhooke● Enter Monopoly and Mistris Tenterhooke c0cjb-019-b-0930 Gos●●ng & by , was borne at Foolham : his name is Gosling Gloo-worme . c0cjb-019-b-1590 c●ocks Because womens tongues are like to clocks , if they go too fast they neuer goe true c0cjb-019-b-2770 requi●e Why ? Mono Because heele dye before he can require it . c0cjb-019-b-4380 R●uellers , to fare wel , or as Poets young quaint Reuellers , to laugh at them . Sirrha if I were some c0cjb-020-a-3420 Bir●●ime Enter Mistris Birdlime and Luce. c0cjb-020-b-0010 b●t they , ciuill gentlemen without beards , but to say the truth , I did take exceptions c0cjb-020-b-1200 m●fled you , some man of credit ? that you come in mufled thus . c0cjb-020-b-2590 Dcces Heere are the Cardes ? deale , God send mee Duces and Aces with a Court Card , and I shall c0cjb-020-b-4020 Tenterhook● Master Tenterhooke the party is aboue in the dining Chamber c0cjb-021-a-1510 we●res you are not sir Gozling Glo-worme , for he weares no Ringes of his fingers ! Maister Freeze-leather c0cjb-021-a-1620 your his fingers ! Maister Freeze-leather , O you are George the drawer at the Miter , pray c0cjb-021-a-3770 ●earme Hast a good tearme Luce ? c0cjb-021-a-4210 plagu breeds Cob-webs , & yet tis as catching as the plague , though not also general , there be a thousand c0cjb-021-b-0650 wor what shift shall I make . How hath your good wor. done , a long time ? c0cjb-021-b-0830 worsh Your good worsh. I thinke be riding out of towne . c0cjb-021-b-4150 ber , the Scriuener is but new gon vp to take her bond . c0cjb-022-a-1700 I●e should this be , I haue neuer a brother , Ile hold my life some franker customer is come c0cjb-022-a-2880 H●ny. Hony . c0cjb-022-a-3380 V●ckles hast more trickes in thee then a Punke hath Vnckles , cosins , Brothers . Sons or Fathers : c0cjb-022-a-3670 ●el●eue to make your good worships merry , neuer Beleeue me , I wil drinke to your worship a glasse c0cjb-022-a-3980 St●ad Maister Iustiniano welcome from Stoad . c0cjb-022-b-1310 I de Monopoly ? Ide laugh at that in faith . c0cjb-022-b-2700 battai●e to stand long deliberating ▪ then before a battaile . c0cjb-023-a-0260 instifie wiues two Diamonds , Wel , youle go along and iustifie this . c0cjb-023-a-2730 I●stiniano that put me into pittifull feare , master Iustiniano here hath laied lurking like a sheep-biter c0cjb-024-a-0650 Abs●aine is repented . Shun it than : O he that can Abstaine , is more than man ! Tush . Resolu'st thou c0cjb-024-a-1150 Whi●st Whilst the song is heard . The Earle drawes a Curten c0cjb-024-b-2180 filthy●● husband , and is it com to thee : is my face a filthyer face , now it is yours , then when it was c0cjb-024-b-2700 Sorceres●e A Scorceresse , thou shalt witch mine eares no more , c0cjb-024-b-3710 frai●tie and seeing what slauerie Pouertie , and the frailitie of her Sex H●d , and was like to make her c0cjb-025-a-0600 Ser●●ngmen Enter Servingmen . c0cjb-025-a-0840 Serui●gmen Enter the 1. Seruingmen . c0cjb-025-a-1260 Sh●ft That borrowed name is mine . Shift for your selues : Away , shift for your selues c0cjb-025-b-0650 fr●ghtments , haue their first beames , And all these frightments are but idle dreames : Yet ( afore Ioue c0cjb-025-b-1890 wiue● either wee were at Braineford to see our wiues , or our wiues heere to see this Pageant c0cjb-025-b-2470 kiudlers age like burnt straw , does euen choake The kindlers , and consumes , in stincking Smoake . c0cjb-025-b-3960 ●reading Wud I might come to that treading . c0cjb-025-b-4150 Oftend : come Moll : the booke of the siedge of Ostend , writ by one that dropt in the action , c0cjb-026-a-0010 ●hy between this Gr●●e , this wicked elder and thy selfe , an impression of you two , wold c0cjb-026-a-0180 e●er two , wold away in a May-morning : was it euer heard that such tyrings , were brought away c0cjb-026-a-2790 wi●es Brainford now : where if you meete fraile wiues , Nere sweare gainst hornes , invaine dame c0cjb-026-a-3090 I●dyth Whirlepoole , Lynstock , and their 〈◊〉 , Iudyth , Mabell , and Clare , their Hats off . c0cjb-026-a-3170 H●ts 〈◊〉 , Iudyth , Mabell , and Clare , their Hats off . c0cjb-026-a-3440 a fraid they not in tune yet ? Or are the Rogues afraid ath Statute , and dare not trauell c0cjb-026-b-2190 hu●t . I warrant you , their Helthes shall not hurt you . c0cjb-026-b-2810 Liefetennant Theres a Lieuetennant and a Captaine amongst em too . c0cjb-026-b-2980 l●e Nay , then looke to haue some body lie on the earth fort : Its ordinary for your c0cjb-026-b-3890 ear●s Nay Ile haue all your eares take part of it . c0cjb-026-b-4400 mee200 Tenterhooke saies he , I must trouble you to lend mee 200 . pound about a commodity which I am c0cjb-026-b-4580 comm●dity which I am to deale in , and what was that commodity but his knighthood . c0cjb-027-b-2980 p●ld●out to wax light with hauing my Natural sleep puld-out a mine eies . c0cjb-027-b-3000 mineeies light with hauing my Natural sleep puld-out a mine eies . c0cjb-027-b-3890 smoakeafore box too , and you drawe out your stinking smoake afore me . c0cjb-027-b-3930 m●no mono . c0cjb-027-b-3970 mist●●● Prethee good mistris 〈◊〉 , Ile ha done in a trice . c0cjb-027-b-4130 ha●e Do you long to haue me swoune ? c0cjb-028-a-1170 mai●●er Three , three , maister Lynstocke three . c0cjb-028-a-3490 Cit●izens They shall know that Citizens wiues haue wit enough to out strip twenty c0cjb-028-a-3500 wi●es They shall know that Citizens wiues haue wit enough to out strip twenty such c0cjb-028-a-3640 me●●y to out strip twenty such guls ; tho we are merry , lets not be mad : be as wanton as new c0cjb-028-a-4260 hungetly Oh yes : eate with em as hungerly as souldiers : drinke ▪ as if we were Froes c0cjb-028-b-1430 dislemble : and thus it shall bee : one of vs must dissemble to be suddenly very sick . c0cjb-028-b-1920 g●ssipings happinesse ( Especially in this out of towne gossipings ) that he who shall misse his hen , if hee c0cjb-028-b-2900 vnle●se may boldly stand vppon this point , that vnlesse euery mans heeles may bee tript vp , you c0cjb-028-b-3000 scor●e euery mans heeles may bee tript vp , you scorne to play at football . c0cjb-028-b-3680 Linstock● Passion of me ? maister Monopoly , maister Linstocke and you be men , help to daw mistris Tenterhooke c0cjb-028-b-4300 Monop●ly O maister Monopoly , my spirits will not comet a my calling c0cjb-029-b-2230 wa●rant come , come , follow mee , follow mee . I warrant you ha lost more by not falling into a sound c0cjb-029-b-3680 ●ight Anbree , do not you know me ? had not I a sight of this sweete Phisnomy at Renish-wine house c0cjb-030-a-3240 whats●euer Bawd ! I defie thee and thy Iigges whatsoeuer thou art : were I in place where , Ide make c0cjb-030-a-3690 Magar● Granam ? and that Suger-loafe ? ha ! doe I not Magara . c0cjb-031-a-1240 C●amberlayn Parenthesis , and his wife with Ambush and Chamberlayn . c0cjb-031-a-1490 fallying roome , till the watch-word be giuen for sallying forth . c0cjb-032-a-0390 sigue therefore 〈◊〉 an excellent watch-word , and the signe at which he would hang out himselfe , should c0cjb-032-a-2320 out my councell , Ile aske no fee sort : bar our host : banish mine hostes , beate a way c0cjb-032-a-2530 ch●mbers Chamberlin , let the ost●ers walke , enter you the chambers peaceably , locke the dores gingerly , looke c0cjb-032-b-1440 husba●ds our gates to you ith morning . Our honest husbands they ( silly mē ) lie praying in their c0cjb-032-b-2800 Pa●●at An Almond Parrat : that's my Mabs voice , I know by the sound c0cjb-032-b-3440 mean● set you to catch Floūders , whilst in the meane time , the concupiscentious Malefactors c0cjb-032-b-3480 con●●piscentious Floūders , whilst in the meane time , the concupiscentious Malefactors make 'em ready & take Lōdō c0cjb-032-b-3490 Ma●efactors in the meane time , the concupiscentious Malefactors make 'em ready & take Lōdō napping . c0cjb-032-b-4280 ●lowns then turne Coridons because you are among clowns ? shal it be said you haue no braines being c0cjb-033-a-2160 me●ry what ! 3 mery men , & 3. mery men , & 3. merry men be we too , c0cjb-033-b-1600 Amb●sh Monopoly Ile cut off your conuoy maist , Sargant Ambush , I charge you as you hope to receaue comfort c0cjb-033-b-2250 poult●y you that liue by nothing but the carion of poultry . c0cjb-033-b-2300 Ma●ster Schoole Maister harke heither . c0cjb-033-b-2390 lems Where are my iems and pretious stones that were my bale . c0cjb-033-b-3220 Ten●erhooke Let him haue 'hem good Tenterhooke , where are they . c0cjb-033-b-3980 sleshly house to take phisick ) to haue committed fleshly treason with her . c0cjb-034-a-1680 foulewether like an Almanacke that threatens nothing but foule wether . c0cjb-034-b-0020 tobe that lies there for phisicke , or comes vp to be placed with a Countesse : if of middle