A Fellow that ( to be a foole in print ) had spent the stocke of his wits vpon inke and paper ▪ and made it into a booke , offred it to sell a● diuerse Stationers 〈◊〉 , but none would buy it : At the length 〈◊〉 came to one of the company , and swore to him he should not 〈◊〉 to feare to venture money vpon it , 〈◊〉 it would be to him an euerlasting booke . Oh sayes the other then I will not meddle with it ; euerlasting bookes are ill commodities in our trade , bring me a booke that will go away , and I am for you .

A Iustice of Peace found his man laying his mistresse on the lippes , at which the Iustice in a rage , and wrapping out a great oath , cald him Rascall , and asked him what he did , why sayes the fellow ( and swore as déepe as he ) I was kissing your wife . The Iustice told him if he tooke him kissing there againe , he would make him kisse in another place . Truth sir ( sayes the Seruingman ) had not you come in , I had kis● in another place indéed .

A Citizen méeting by chance a kinseman of his , about the Strand , that was come to the Tearme , askt him where he had béene , who told him he had beene at Westminster : And what newes ( quoth he ) at Westminster ; Mary sayes the other Lawyers get the Diuell and all : What an Asse , replied the Citizen is the diuell ? if I were as he I would get some of them .

IN the Quéenes time a couple of Merchants walking on the Change , amongst other newes , the one told that other , he thought the peace betwéene England and Spaine would be broken : God help the poore Iustices then ( answered the other ) for if the peace b● broken , sure the Iustices of the Peace cannot be sound .

A Mad countrey Parson inuiting certaine of his friends to the eating of a tyth pigge and some other good chéere , one of the guests brought along with him a Precisian , ( which se● the person neuer could abide ) and hauing earn'd once or twic● to the rest . At length he cald aloud in latin to the Precisian ( for he tooke him to be a scholler , because he went all in blacke ) Heus domine , vis tu Comedere Turdum , vis ●u comedere ●artum , vis tu comedere pistum Fartum . At which the other blessing himselfe , to thinke that a Churchman should vtter such filthy words ( as he construed them ) rose from the board and d●parted reprouing the Parson for a beastly and vnmannerly christian , whereas by Turdum he meant a blacke bird , that stood on the board , by Fartum a pudding , and by pistum fartum , a pan-pudding that s bak'd .

DOe you see ponder bawd , saies one to his companion ( ●tting in a play-house together ) she should haue bin burnt once in Paris for a martir● : A martir quoth the other ? why she has suffered for the truth heere in London , for she was carted but last weeks .

SIrra ( saies a Iustice to a bailie●●e , that had brought a cutpurse before him ) keepe that knaue till I call for him anon when I am more at leasure : yes quoth the bailieffe , I will keepe the knaue for your worship .

A Woman seeing a tumult in the open stréete , about a man and a woman , askt one of the standers by , what the matter was : sa●es he ▪ Thou art a whore ; Thou art an arrant knaue ( saies the woman ) to call me whore , why about this ( quoth the party that was askt the question ) did those two fall out .

WHat is the reason saies , a Gentleman to his friend , that chesse-play ( being so witty a game ) is not vsed so much now as it had wont to be : diuerse reasons , saies the others one is because Rookes stand too neere the Bishops : another is because Knights had wont to be better then pawnes , but now a good pawne is better th●● a Knight .

A Taylor in this Towne maintaind a whore besides his wise , who afterwards came to the knowledge of it : where vpon , on● wondring how it should be discouered , because the Taylor was a close fellow , askt one of his neighbors , how the diuell his wife could smell out his wench : oh ; easily replyed the other , for he kept her vnder his wifes nose .

An auncient Gentlewoman making her brag● , that she was descend●d from Iohn of Gaunt : One that stood by , sayd he thought she was rather descended from William the Conqueror , because her face was so old .

ONe demanded of his friend what was the reason that when a man 〈◊〉 a light Wench , the ●●st word he speaks to her is , Gentlewoman will you goe to the Tauerne ? O saies the other , ● Leman is neuer good without wine .

A Silly fellow being for some misdemeanor brought befor● the old Recorder , after some short ●xamination , was ( by him ) demanded whom he seru●d ; I serue ( quoth the fellow ) a poore kinsman of your good worship . A poore kinsman of mine thou varlet , who is that ? looke you saies he , and drew from vnder his cloake a flute .

A Player riding with his fellowes ( in a yeare of Peregrination ) vp and downe the countries , resolued to be merry , th● they ●ot little money , and being to passe through a Towne , h●e gets a good way before the rest , crying ( wi●h his drawne Rapier in his hand ) which is the Constables house where is the Constable ; the dogs of the parrith at the no●se , fell to barking , the Threshers came running out with their ●●●iles the Clounes with rakes & pitch-forks , asking without what the matter was , cried still , and you be men bring me to the Co●●●able . At last , the wise Gentleman appeared in his 〈◊〉 : Are you the Constable saies the player , yes that I am for fault of a better , quoth he , why then blurt Maister Constable saies the other , and clapping spurres to his horse , gallopd away amaine , some of the companions laughing , others rayling , the Constable swearing , and the rest of the players that came behind , post through the thickest of them , and laughing the whole Towne to scorne , as if it had bin the foole in a Comedie , which made the hob-nailewearers stampe tenne times worse then they did before .

A Company of merry Gallants , comming in a winter night late from a Tauerne , to increase that mirth in the streetes ( as they went along ) which the wine had begotten in them before , fell to taking downe of Lanthornes that their hung out . And one of them being nibling to vntie the cord at which a Sconc● hung : a seruant of the house by chance suddenly opened the doore , and tooke him at his worke , roughly asking him what he meant to doe there , nothing Sir , saies the other , but to s●uff your candle .

A Young man passing to his lodging somewhat late , was by the dreadfull voyce of browne-bilmen , cald to come before the Constable ; he did so , but perceiuing him that sat there in the examiners office to be no Constable , but knew him to be a bare Deputie , and had for wages serued ( for other men ) some sixe or seauen yeares together , the fellow gaue him scuruy words , for which the Uice-regent of the Ward , grew so into choller that he swore , the great Turke should not ransome him from lying by the héeles : nay more , he would execute Iustice in his owne proper naturall person , and leade him himselfe ; he did so , and the other 〈◊〉 before , but in the middle of Cheapeside bee kneeled downe , crying out aloud : O thou euerlasting Constable , what meanest thou to doe with me ?

VPon a time when there was a great muster made by the Citty , of souldiers , a countrie fellow séeing them march thr●ugh the stréetes , inquired of one that stood likewise by as a beholder , to what end these souldiers kept this marching ? mary to Mile-end saies the other : yea but to what end , are those Lighters and Boates , and Ships , prouiding on the Riuer ? quoth the country man why to Theames-end , answered the other , nay but then saies he againe , to what end should they make such adoe both by Land and water ? faith replyed the other , to no End .

I Thinke ( saie some to his friend ) I am the 〈◊〉 coxcom● liuing : truth , so thinke I , saies the other : why should you thinke so ( replyed the first , and grew halfe angry ) mary sayd the second , because you say so , & I hope none should know that ●●tthen your selfe .

A Paire of Players growing into an emulous contention of one anothers worth , re●ulde to put themselues to a day of hearing ( as any Players would haue done ) but stood onely vpon their good parts . Why saies the one , since thou wouldst same be taken for so rare a peece report before all these ( for they had a small audience about them you must note ) what excellent parts thou hast discharged ? Mary saies the other , I haue so naturally playd th● Puritane , that many tooke me to be one . True saies the first agen thou playdst the Puritane so naturally , that thou couldst neuer play the honest man afterwards : but I ( quoth he ) haue playd the Sophy : the Sophy , replyed the second : what a murren was he ? What was he saies the other : why he was a Turke : right , quoth his aduersarie get to play as many Turkes parts as thou canst , for ●●e bee hangd if euer thou playst a good christian .

A Gentlewoman comming to one that stood at a window reading a booke , Sir ( sayd she ) I would I were your booke , ( because she lou●d the Gentleman , ) So would I quoth he , I wish you were . But what booke would you haue me to bee ( sayd the other ) if I were to be so ? Mary , an Almanacke ( quoth the Gentleman ) because I would change euery yeare .

TWo Brothers méeting together , sayd the welthier of them , to the other : And how goes the world Brother ? what , you rub out , make shift to liue Yes faith replyed the second , I thank God , and liue without shifting too .

A Cittizen ●●tting with his wife at doore , cald his child to him ( that was playing before them , ) to giue him an apple , and bid him say , thanke you Father ▪ the mother likewise was busie to teach him that lesson But a Gentleman passing by , iust at the instant , ( who belike had taken vp of the wife , some of her husbands commodities ) stept to her , and whispring in her eare , asked if she were not asham'd to teach her child to lie being yong : the husband séeing a stranger so sau●ie with his wife , grew halfe angry , and askt her what customer that was , & what he spake in her eare : Nothing Sir ( sayd she ) but séeing me eate apples , hee askt if I would haue any chéese to my fruit .

WHat reason ( saies one so his friend ) has your Lord to keepe a foole ? He hath no reason at all , answered the other .

THou art an arrant Begger , saies a Merchant to a Scholler : true Sir , ( answered the Scholler ) for I am an hone●● man : but you can be no Begger , for all the city knowes you Play the Merchant .

A Woman finding her husband reeling in the stre●tes , till hée was vnable to stand , rayld vpon him , and sayd : art not thou ashamd to lie like a drunken beast , thus in the open streetes ? thou liest like a sober whore as thou art , quoth hee , if I were a beast , I would not lie drunke .

ONe that had bin Knighted but lately , ryding through Poules churchyard , his wife , his chamber-maide , the nurse , and two young children , sitting in the Coach with him , his sonne and heire , leading the way before : the creatures in blew , trotting too and too behind : Oh saies a prentice that ●●ood in his shop , to his fellow : By Ioue me thinkes , it s a braue thing to be a Knight : A braue thing , quoth 〈◊〉 fellow : what an asse art thou : a man may haue any thing for money .

A Lady that by sitting to sée a play at Court , came home late , cald for victuals , and swore she was as hungry as a dogge : It may be as a bitch Madam ( sayd her page , standing by ) else the comparison will not hol● .

A Fishmonger hauing lost all his money at dice , to another gamster , sauing three or foure shillings , clapt it all downe on the boord together : What doe you set ( sayd the other ? this Dosser quoth the fishmonger ) and then I haue done .

ONe that had neuer bin seene to handle weapon , being met with a great basket-hilt sword by his side was demanded , why he caried so much Iron about him . Mary sayd he , for foure causes , to kill dogs , and to kéepe off Sergeants , to huff bawdes , and to guard my whore .

A Yong man , being taken by a watch in the day time , for an idle fellow , was by a Constable brought before one of the Sheriffes of London , and being examined what he was , and whom he had serued , it was found that hee had bin in diuerse seruices , but had shifted his Maisters , almost euery yeere wherupon the Sheriffe sayd , hee should goe to bridewell , and there grind chalke . I am contented to doe so , answered the fellow ▪ but doe me Iustice good Maister Sheriffe , let all your Officers h●● sent to grind chalke too , for I am sure they shift their Maisters , euery yeere aswell as I.

A Barber standing very sadly at his shop doore , one of his customers came to him , and asked him why he lookt so scuruily : Oh sayd the Barber , my maide has had a sore mischance , my man has playd the knaue with her , and got her with child : Call you that a mischance quath the other ? of all chances in the dice , I warrant your maide likes that best : your man has done no more then what he is bound to by indenture , which is to follow his trade , and that s to trimme folkes .

A Country Gentleman , comming downe Westward by water to London , vpon the day when my Lord Maiors Galley ●●ist was in all her holliday attire , and séeing such triumphing on the Theames , but not knowing the cause , demanded of his Watermen , why there was such drumming , and piping , and trumpeting , and wherefore all those Barges ( like so many Water-pageants ) were caryed vp and downs so gaylie with Flags , and Streamers ? It was told him , the Lord Mayor went that day to be sworne , to Westminister . What neede your Lord Mayor ( quoth he ) goe so farre to be sworne : I haue heard ther● is as good swearing in London , as in any place in England : but goe all these ( in blacke gownes ) to be sworne there too ? No ( Sir ) sayd his Waterman , these sweare fast enough in the cittie .

A Company of Gallants hauing supped in a Tauerne , and being ( as the fashion is ) extreamely ouer-reckend in their bill of Items , yet paying all , departed in as extrea me a chafe ; swearing , neuer to hold vp their hands agen , at that vnmercifull barre : One of the rest ▪ as he went along , demanded in mockerie , what was to pay : Nothing , sayd one of the pewter-potclinkers : All is payd sir ; i le take my oath vpon a booke : All is payd answered the other , for we payd you well , and you haue payd vs soundly .

A Scrinener meeting an Atturnie in Fleete-streete , ( after some talke had passed betwéene them ) asked him how they should doe 〈◊〉 , so much of the 〈◊〉 was cut off : truth saies the Atturnie , for my part 〈◊〉 shuffle for one : Michaelmas tearme you know is like a great houshold loa●e , you may cut out a good many shi●es , and yet feeds vpon it well too , I care not , so I may come but to haue a cut , at the last cantle . But how ( quoth the Scrinener ) if it bee cut all cleane away : Say it bee ( replyed the Lawyer , ) it s but like a Barbers cutting off a mans haire , within a little time after it will grow againe , and he 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 againe .

WHen the Horse 〈◊〉 on the top of Poules , a Seruingman came sweating to his Maister , that was walking in the 〈◊〉 I le ▪ and told him the wonder he had séene , and what multitudes of people were in the streetes staring to behold it , the fellow most vehemently intreating his Maister , to goe and make one . Away thou fool● ( sayd hee ) what neede I goe so farre to sée a Horse on the top , when I can looke vpon so many Asses at the bottome : O yes Sir , replyed the Seruingman ▪ you may sée Asses heere euery day , but peraduenture you shall neuer see a Horse there againe though there were a thousand beasts in the citti● .

TWO Cittizens ouer-taking one another , as they came from Westminister , ( the one of them being excéeding pen●●ue , ) it was askt by the other , why he went so heauily : O quoth hee , I haue reason to goe heauily , for I had an Action tryed to day at Westminister , of 200. ● . and it is gone against me . Who was your Counsell sayd the other : Mary such a one , replyed the second . What strange qualities , ( quoth the first ) haue these men of law , the selfe same man that makes you so heauy , has made me excéeding light .

A Prisoner that stood vpon his comming forth ▪ was put backs till he had payd , such fees as the Keepers demanded of him , which he thought were vnreasonable , and against both l●we and conscience , whereupon he raild at them , cald them bloud-hounds , bloud-suckers , hel-hounds , and such other vngodly names : but one standing by , counsaild him to hold his tongue , and not to spit his venome against men that are in place , for sayd hee , Keepers of Prisons are as good men as the best , where they take .

A Young wanton wench that had maryed an old man , being a Forrester , whom she had so transford , that comming amongst the heard of Deere : he went for a Stag , fell suddenly sicke , for the loue of a Gallant , that had a good while together gone a hunting with her , but vpon some dislike of his game , gaue it ouer : the kind old fellow her husband , that suspected nothing , brought her a Doctor , but the cause of her disease being loue , she proud him a D●nce ; he could neither by her water , nor by feeling her pulse , find what sicknes bred within her : whereupon the old Ranger her husband , perswaded her , to shew all how it came first vpon her , for sayd he , we must hide nothing from our Phisitian . Why then ( quoth she ) good husband shew your forhead to him , which me thinkes is all broken out : Alas sayd he , that s onely the weaknes of thy sight . Nay husband , ( sayd the sicke louer ) if your browes grieue not you , they shall neuer hurt me .

A Country H●bbin●ll , h●●ing seene she mad-folkes in Bedlam , fell so in ●oue with their trickes , that he swore he could ●nd in his heart , to liue in the Sommer-time amongst them , and demanded ( of him that caryed him thether to see them ) how he might soonest be made to runne mad , if one had such a mind● , easily sayd the other , for doe but mary with a whore , or else haue to doe with players , and thou shalt quickly runne madde .

A Wench hauing a good face , a good body , and good clothes on , but of bad conditions , sitting one day in the two-penny roome of a play-house , & number of yong Gentlemen about her , against all whom she maintaind talke . One that sat ouer the stage sayd to his friend : doe you not thinke that yonder flesh will stincke anon , hauing so many flyes blowing vpon it . Oh ( quoth his friend ) I thinke it stinckes already , for I neuer saw so many crowes together , but there was some carion not far off .

LOoke ( sayd one ) is it not strange ? yonder is a fellow that the last day went for a Lieftenant , and now he is a Pandor : Alas sayd one that stood next him , Souldiers you know if they cannot get it by faire meanes , they will haue it out of the flesh .

A Couple of Gentlemen talking of a common Punck , one of them sayd she was a Recusant : Nay before God , quoth the other , that s a lie , shee le take any thing .

A Uniuersity man , cald one of the Constables of London , Onyon , at which the Constable , ( as if he had bin slyced into peeces ) kept a coyle , and wondered , why he should call him an Onyon , that was rather one of the best dishes , that stood vpon the table of Iustice ; Mary sayd the Scholler , I tell thée againe thou art an Onyon , because thou hast a great head , but no wit in it .

TWo Tradesmen falling out , and vpbrayding one another with house-keeping , & miserable feeding of their seruants : Saies the one , I spend more mustard and vineger , in a yeare in my house , then thou dost béefe in thine . Nay quoth the other I believe thée , for I alwaies tooke thee for a very saucie knaue .

A Gentleman made all the friends he could , to the Captaine of the french Kings guard , that hee might bee one of them , but the Captaine told him , he was so hardly prest vpon by sun●ry Noble men for their Seruants , and fellowes , that he could not by any meanes doe him the pl●●sure : Oh sir ( quoth the gentleman ) sure you mistake ▪ you are not ( as I am told ) so prest vpon by so many Noble men , but rather with so many Nobles .

A Water-bearer complaynd before a Iustice , of his wifes misusing , and ouer-maistring him : t is strange quoth the Iustice , that you two should iarre , for I am told , that you ( Sirra ) are neuer seene to goe into an Alehouse , but your wife is seene there too ; you are neuer drunke , but she is drunke too : you neuer quarrell with your neighbours , but she quarrels too ; I wonder that hauing quallities so alike , you should no better agree . So doe I and it please your Worship ( sayd the Water-bearer ) for my owne part , I could agree with her , if shee were worse , so she would be but better ; I pray therefore let me haue her bound , either to her good behauiour , or else to the peace . Seeke but out a Scriueuer ( quoth the Iustice ) that can make such a ●ond , and thou shalt haue my furtherance .

A Farmer of the country going to Law , for certaine Acres , about which he would neuer haue ve●tured his money but that his Councell whetted him on , by telling him the matter was cleare on his side , and that all the Law in England could not take it from him ; came iocundly vp to the Tearme and yet after much heauing & shouing was ouerthrowne Horse and foote , so that he had scarce money le●t to carry him home , wherevpon meeting an acquaintance of his , and wondring ( as hee said ) that men of learning should so much ouershoot themselues , in that wherein they are so perfect : oh ( replied the other ) the Sun showes men their shadowes , but not their faces .

AN Apothecary that had a gallant creature to his wi●e , was wondred at , that shee ( especially ) and himselfe could be so rich in apparell , and so expensiue in dyet , hauing no customers resorting to their shop for any phisicall stuffe , but onely a few Gentlemen that came to take pipes of the diuine smoake : whereupon some of his neighbors giuing vp their credit , that this geere could not last long , oh ( said one of them ) you are all deceiued in that man , it is not possible he should sinke , hee is so well held vp by the heade .

A Yong bryde ( that had married a stale ou●d bachiler ) sate at the wedding dinner with a very sad and discontented looke , to thinke what a ba● market she had bin at● but an Ancient merry gentlewoman ●●tting next to her , cheerd her vp , in her eare thus , daughter quoth the neuer repent the bargaine thou ha●● this day made , for an ou●d horse will hould out a ●●long iorney , as well as a nagge of foure yeere ould : It may be so , ( quoth the bride , ) but as little skill as I haue in riding . I doubt whether he can hould out in some hye waye● that I could name .

AN impudent fellow meeting a ciuill gentlewoman vpon a narrow cawsie , that she could not passe him without striuing ( in courtesie ) to giue wayrudely brake out into this question Gentlewoman are not you a whore ? She being nothing dan●ed at his blunt beha●iour , but hauing more witte about her then he had ciuilitie , answered him thus , trust me Sir I am none now , nor euer was I any but once , and that was when your father being no better then a Chimny-sweeper , lay with me all night , whilest she whom you now cal mother kept the dore .

A Company of theeues , brake 〈◊〉 night into a cou●trie schoole-maisters house , but hee hearing them , neuer stired out of his bed for the matter , but cryed out aloude you mistake your marke my maisters , goe to the next house , that s a rich Farmers , I wonder you will loose time to seeke any thing heere by night , when I my selfe can finde nothing by day .

THree waiting gentlew●men sitting vp late one euening began to shriue one another , and to know what manner of Louers each other had : saies the first I loue o●e of our Seruingmen , and I ( quoth the second ) loue the Tutor , nay ( sayes the third ) then I like my choice best , for I loue my Ladyes Gentleman Usher : out vpon him , cryed one of the other , I had rather ten other men should lye with me night by night , then one gentleman vsher .

A Pipe of kindled Tobacco being offered to 〈◊〉 that was not●● to be a greedy taker of it , was by him refused , and being demanded , why he that loued it so well , should now leaue it ? he answered , for three bad properties that he found in it , for sa●●● hee , Tobacco makes any man a thee●e ( and vpon that hangs danger ) a good fellow , ( and that requires cost , ) & a niggard ( the name of which is hatefull : ) It makes him a theefe for he will steale it from his father , a good fellow , for he will giue the smoake to a begger : a niggard , for he will not part with his ●or to an Emperour .