Dobsons drie bobbes sonne and heire to Skoggin. Full of mirth and delightful recreation.

DOBSONS DRIE BOBS .

¶ How sir Thomas Pentley adopted George Dobson for his sonne . Chap. 1.

IN the Cittie of Durham was sometime resident , one sir Thomas Pentley , a Priest , instituted after the olde order vsed in Quéene Maries dayes , who for his exquisite skil in musicke , was admitted to be a Canonist in the Cathedrall church of Durham : and for he was also otherwise supposed learned , and a man of modest life , he was beneficed besides with the vicarage of Saint Giles in the same towne : by reason whereof he waxed very rich , and a great pennie father , liuing alwayes vnmarried , and kéeping no houshold or retinue about him , saue onely one of his sisters , whose husband dying , he tooke home to be his huswife : after that there was a dissolution made of their Cloyster , and that it was thought fit for men , rather to liue at their owne choice , than at others appoyntment , graunting all that would , liberty to take wiues , and they whose stomacke stoode against that estate of matrimony , to dispose of themselues as to them séemed good and most correspondent to their liking . This sir Thomas , in time , séeing his money to increase , and his wealth to abound , resolued with himselfe , since hée was determined neuer to take wife , whereby to haue children , vnto whome he might leaue this his aboundaunce and riches ( I say ) resolued with himselfe , to dispose of it in some good sort during his life time , lest otherwise his friends , after his death , should goe together by the eares in diuiding the stake . Therefore he beganne , by little and little , to play the good fellow , causing his sister , who was both Cooke and Cater , to prouide him good and plenteous fare , inuiting also his neighbours and others his acquaintances to dine and to suppe with him : especially vppon solempne feastes , as Christmasse , and Easter , he kept open house , and gaue good and bounteous entertainement vnto all that would come . And so prodigally hée spent , as in the end his huswife beganne to repine at his large hospitality , perswading her selfe , that if he continued this course long , it would be but a very little that would fall in diuidence to his friendes after his death , and therefore shée thought euery way as good to take part with him , as to exspect that which the cat leaueth in the mault . Whereupon she sent to her other sister dwelling in the country , who was maried to one Ieffrey Dobson , certifying her of their brothers vnthriftinesse , withall , admonishing her to make a spéedy repaire vnto the cittie , and with her to bring her husband , children , and family to make their abode , dwelling , and stay with sir Thomas : For otherwise , if shée omitted that opportunitie , it was a very probable matter , that her share of his goods would be very slender , and farre short of her exspectation , for our brother , saieth she , is fallen into such an humour of spending , that his yéerely reuenewes will scarcely dischardge his yéerely expence . Hir sister at this newes became as pale as ashes , and sore she feared that all would be gone before she could get her family remooued to the towne . And as though sir Thomas had béene already dead , and the executors gone away with all the goodes , shée ranne to the fields , where her husband was at the plow , to make knowne vnto him what message her sister had sent her . The good man who had taken her to wife , more in regarde of that benefit hée hoped to reape by her after sir Thomas his death , than any other respect , made no lesse haste to be remoouing , than she desired : and so foorthwith loosing his oxen foorth of their teame , commaunding his men to goe home and thresh foorth all his corne presently , and his wife to packe vp all her houshold stuffe and napery against the next morning , himselfe went forth presently to a neighbours house néere by , and let to him the lease of his farme : and comming home that night , his wife hauing dispatched euery thing according to his commandement , he conueyed his stuffe , so much as he thought néedefull , to the citie of Durham next morning , carrying with him his wife and children , whome he brought with him to the vicarage of S. Giles , at the very instant when sir Thomas was set to dinner , but newly come home from the Minster , where ( according to his custome , hée had béene helping to sing diuine Seruice . Whiles sir Thomas was eagerly caruing such meates as were set vpon the table , his appetite being very sharpe , he sodainely heard a great rushing and noyse of cartes , rattling vpon the stones within the court , and maruelling whence such noyse should come , if it were not there , and what occasion any had to be there , he could not coniecture , sith himselfe had no vse for any at all , neither did he know of any that had businesse there to doe , more than halfe misdoubting his hearing , he started foorthwith from the table , and looking foorth at his windowe , he did beholde his court full of cartes , loaden with tables , cupbords , beddes , and such like housholde stuffe , at which sight he was not alittle amazed , fearing that the Bishop had endowed some other with the benefice of that vicarige , meaning to depriue him , and that the cartes and stuffe appeared to be the new parsons : yet he no lesse maruelled why the Bishop should so do , considering that hée no way ill deserued , either committed any thing whereby to incurre the Bishops displeasure . Also , if this his supposall were true , hée thought it strange and vncharitable dealing , that hée should in such maner be excluded , without either admonishment or notice giuen to prouide for himselfe . But presently , as he stoode there diuersly distracted , with these doubtfull thoughts , he was aduertized by his houskéeper , who had inquired the matter of the Carters , that the stuffe was his sister Dobsons , who with her husband and children she sayd , was come to make her remaine and dwelling there with him , and who , as shée was making this report , came in at the gate , her husband and children with her . But sir Thomas not alitle estranging at the newes , backened to the Carremen to stay the vnloading of their cartes , till he came foorth to méete his sister at the doores , of whome demanding the cause of her comming after such a sort , hée was informed of his house kéepers embassage sent to her , wherewith he was verie much offended , causing them all to come into the house and dine : with good and faire spéeches hée intreated her to returne to her owne home againe , with assured promise that hée would prouide sufficiently for her , and the residue of his friendes : and for the better security thereof , because that imprudently they had leased away their Farme , hée presently gaue to her husband the moytie of a tithe he held amounting to tenne poundes a yéere , vntil such time as their owne Farme should fall vnto them againe : and also hée tooke from them their eldest sonne , George Dobson , whome hée adopted for his owne , and brought vppe at Schoole in Durham , to whose course of life and merry ieasts , wée will direct the tract ensuing , licencing his mother well contented with her brothers beneuolence , to returne to the countrey againe with her husband , and other children .

NOw is George Dobson taken from his mothers lappe , and left to the care and prouidence of his vnckle sir Thomas , who perceiuing his disposition knauish , thought good in time to hoope him in before hée fell to licking : and knowing , that while the twigge is yong and tender , it is also flexible , to kéepe him from other waggish turns , hée iudged it the best course to set him to the Schooles : and in regarde himselfe vsed to goe twice euery day vnto the Minster , hée could not so well attend him , as his wildnesse required : and fearing againe , that his foolish loue towardes him might induce him to forbeare correction when hée well deserued the same , and the neglect thereof was a certaine meane for euer to vndoe him , hée rather determined to send him to the Church of Saint Nicholas amongst other little children of the Cittie , where hée had not béene thrée dayes , but hée falling at variance with a Merchants sonne of the same towne that was his schoole fellow , he burst his lanthorne booke all to péeces , and the boyes forehead was so sore , that the blood ranne about his eares , neyther could they stay it , but conducted him home to his mother , who when shee sawe the blood of her little sonne , shée well-néere fell into a sowne , and had suncke to the earth , if shée had not béene supported by her husband , who after hee had well viewed it , assured her that the boy was nothing the worse , and then sending for a Surgeon , caused him to stay the bléeding , and to plaister the sore : but albeit there was hope of amendment , yet when the mother knew after what manner it was done , shée bitterly raged against poore Dobson , causing , not onely his Schoole maister seuerely to correct him , but attending sir Thomas his comming from the Cathedrall Church , who was to passe by her shoppe , shée made a grieuous complaint to him against his Nephew , bringing her sonne to the view , and shewed him the greatnesse of the sore , and after a womans manner , whose anger is implacable , and whose reuenge is measurelesse , she tolde sir Thomas , that vnlesse he did punish his nephew for the fact , shee would haue him debarred of comming any more to schoole there , either the maister , if he receiued him , she would haue extruded from his place . Sir Thomas in good spéeches praying her to be satisfied , promised to performe her desire , and if shée mistrusted his word , if so it séemed good to her , hée offered to giue him the lawe in her presence . But she told him , no , that he should not , for she nothing doubted the fulfilling of his promise , and that shée did not seeke his affliction by way of reuenge , but that he might thereby be warned and deterred from doing so any more , and so séemed to request him to doe it discreetely and without bitternesse : sir Thomas made few more replies , but made haste home to welcome his new guest with the whippe : and though he were sory for the childes hurt , yet hée could not but laugh in his minde , at the knauery of his Nephew , and the chollericke stomacke of the Merchants wife , poore Dobson nothing at all thinking of further conflictes , lamenting onely the breaking of his booke , for which hée not a little sorrowed what answere to make to his vncle : to lie , he estéemed it the worst course that could be , for hée knew his vnckle would sift foorth the trueth , and if hée should be taken with a false report , he was assured to be purged thereof with no lesse than with the best bloud in his breath : so , not able to bethinke himselfe of a reasonable excuse , hée wept no lesse than for his beating receiued at his Maisters handes , exspecting a sharper penaunce . His maister obseruing him still to continue in teares , demanded of him why he further wept , to whom he bewrayed his feares , and the cause thereof . His Maister mooued to compassionate his case , and déeming it iniustice to haue him two times punished for one offence , he sent for alittle glew , repayred his booke , and writ to his vnckle all the circumstaunces of what had happened , desiring him to remit vnto him this first little delict , and to content himselfe with such punishment as he already had inflicted vpon him . Dobson humbly thanking his Maister for this vnlooked for benignitie , as blithe as Bird on M 〈…〉 briar , posteth home with his warrant in his pocket , but hée was no sooner entred into the Hall , and had broken a curtesie to his vnckle while he did espie vppon the Table hollie wandes in water , colde cates , God wote , to stay his emptie stomacke withall . His vnckle taking one of them into his hand , sayde : Now good sir , where haue you bestowed your selfe this day , that you stay so late abroade ? Good vnckle , replied Dobson with a sober and demure countenaunce , casting his eyes vpon the ground , I haue béene at the Schoole . Haue you so ? sayeth sir Thomas ▪ I pray then le ts sée your booke , and how much you haue learned all this day ? With that poore Dobson breathed foorth a pitteous sigh , and with a pensiue heart and trembling hands hée pulled his patched booke foorth of his pocket , at which sight his vnckle not able to containe himselfe from smiling , turning away that hée might not be perceiued , laughed a good space : afterward reflecting his lookes vpon his lamentable nephew , downe whose chéekes the teares streamed . My boy , sayde hée , I pray thée , who hath made thée a Joyner ? mée thinkes thou hast taken thy booke in sunder , and hast made it to stand vppon ioynts , whereas in the morning it appeared vnto mée to be all one péece ▪ without chincke , ioynt , or member , otherwise my sight deceiued me : then Dobson prostrating himselfe , humbly prayed his vnckle of pardon , and made true relation of the conflict passed betwixt him and his fellow , and that whatsoeuer he had doone , it was in his owne defence , adding moreouer , that his Maister had already giuen him due punishment for his trespasse , and therewithall hée pulled foorth his Maisters note , and deliuered it to his vnckle , the subiect whereof agréed wholly with his reporte , and had vndoubtedly procured his pardon , if hée had not remembred his promise before made to the Merchaunts wife , whereupon hée caused poore Dobson to vntrusse , and to offer his bréech to the blocke , which hée soundly lashed , and the next morrow carrying him vnto the Merchants wife , caused him to aske both her and her sonne forgiuenesse , who pardoning him , hée was sent agayne to the Schoole , with charge to kéepe the peace with his fellows , lest he drunke of the whippe againe .

¶ How the Boyes of the Schoole caused George Dobson to be whipped for their fault . Chap. III.

THus is George Dobson ( as you haue heard ) sent againe to the Schoole , where hée had not long continued but that hée precéeded the most part of his fellowes , who long before him had béene sent thither , to his vnckles great content and pleasure , who at all times warned him to beware of playing the wagge , and of quarrelling with his fellowes , threatning him , that if hée so ill carried himselfe , hée would for euer eiect and turne him out of the doores , whereas otherwise , if as a duetifull boy he would apply his books , and would also conforme himselfe to the disposition of his fellowes , and with them would liue in vnitie and concord , hée should not then want any manner of thing conuenient to his estate and calling , but that after his death hée would make him his sole heire , and possesse him of all his landes , leases , farmes , and hereditaments . The boy was very attentiue to his vnckles exhortations , and conceiued well , that such aduise and counsell much concerned his health and welfare , and therefore ( to his power ) hée put them in execution , behauing and demeaning himselfe very respectiuely , both in the presence of his vnckle , and abroad : euer standing in doubt , that if hée should committe any thing vnapproouable , that the same might come to his vnckles knowledge , and if so , he were then for euer vndone . But notwithstanding all his care , which was méere acquisi●e and not habituall , as affirmeth the olde Prouerb , That which is bred in the bone , will not foorth of the flesh : Naturam expellas furca licet vsque recurret .

Hée must néedes goe whome the diuell driueth : and whose fortune it is to be strangled , certaine it is hée shall neuer drowne : So albeit George Dobson studied by all possible meanes to performe all his vnckles pleasures and commaundements , yet for his life hée could not accomplish them , so many blockes were set for him to stumble vpon , for naturally he was of a crabbed and vntoward disposition , and so rustike like , that he could not couer his clownish and wayward manners with the habite of ciuility , and in regard of his rude and ill fauoured gestures , antique trickes , and apish toyes , his Schoole-fellowes many times tooke occasion to deride , scorne , and laugh at him : whereof hée being very impatient , and not daring with clubbe and fist to reuenge it , lest thereby hée should procure his vnckles indignation , for excessiue griefe , anger and sorrow , he would wrinckle his browes , whet his téeth , and pull the haires from his head , which hée would scatter and throw abroad in franticke manner . And if it had not béene more for the feare hée had to loose his vnckles fauour , than the whipping hee assured himselfe would ensue the combate , the most part of them had felt the weight of his fists . But the respect of his vnckles loue and affection mooued him to beare so long , vntill his heart was like to breake with discontent . The boyes of the Citty playing vppon this aduantage , especially his Schoolefellowes , knowing him to be bred in the Countrey , banded themselues together , made no lesse to doe about him , than the other birds doe of the Owle at noone-time , if they catch her abroade in the wooddes ; they omitted no opportunitie to disgrace him , eyther by riming , or railing vpon him , and with euery other despite their waggish braines could deuise , they abused him : many times they would forge matters of disorder , thereby to incense their maister against him , yea and most times when themselues had committed the faultes woorthy of correction , they would thrust the blame vppon him . And although hée had euer wit enough to discharge and cléere himselfe of their accusations , by the inference of diuerse probabilities of the contrary : yet , because they were a multitude , and hée onely one , their testimony was allowed , and hée assuredly sustained the punishment , because the fact doone , and their witnesse improoued him , hée not being able in particular to conuict any of them of the offence . And in the winter éeuenings they enacted many a lewd stratageme about the shoppes in their way to the Schoole , as bursting glasen wind●wes , ouerthrowing Milke maides pailes , pulling downe stalles , and crushing out the linckes which were hung foorth to giue light to the Passengers in the streetes . And whensoeuer they were pursued by any of the persons house or family to whome these iniuries were done , they hadde decréed that some should betake themselues to flight , as accessary and guilty of the trespasse , and that some others shoulde abide , as nothing consenting to the act , and willingly should reueale and nominate the parties offending , which whosoeuer they were , onely Dobson was the man standered , though both innocent and ignorant , yet euer vpon the next morrowe , the lawe procéeded , the case was determined against him , and he was found guilty by the generall verdict of the Jury . And to conclude , hee vppon euery such occasion suffered alwayes the punishment that others had deserued : and these centriuings of his felows were so continuall , that they made him almost wearie of his life , and so desperate in the end , that he became in respect thereof , that he resolued rather than any further to tollerate this mis-vsage , either to runne his countrey , or to forsake his friendes and their company , eyther to set at naught his vnckles iniunctions , and as he coulde catch any of them alone , whose malice hée perceiued to be endlesse against him , to pay them their debts in a diuels name . Long hée rested doubtfull whether course to make choice of , and after much discusse and consideration , he conceiued , that to relinquish his vnckle and other his friendes in such a sort , were not his best booty , for one way hée should thereby depriue himselfe of all theyr kinde effection , and doe more domage and disgrace to them all , and his owne good name , than all their mischéeuous deuises could be able to effect . Because the rumor of his departure , spreading it selfe through all parts of the Towne , would make the people susped him accessary of some notorious trespasse done against his vnckle , and for feare of punishment so to haue exiled himselfe : either that his vnckle might be a shrewd and curious man , for strictly handling him , and that to auoyde his austerity and hard vsage , hée had thus put himselfe to flight , eyther of which conceits hée collected might be preiudiciall to them both . Againe , whither to runne or direct his course , he knew not , vnlesse it were home to his mother , who he was perswaded would returne him backe with a very vengeaunce . And then ( saide hée ) with what face can I looke vpon my vnckle , or any other person of my acquaintance ? And to goe to any other place , alas who will entertaine or receiue me , euery straunger will suppose the trueth , that I am runne from my friendes , and that therefore I am the more apt to doe the same from them , If I shall taste any asperitie or eagre vsage , this wil be their imagination of me , and heereuppon euery man wil be afraide to admit me into his house , and what then will ensue of me ? If not , either to starue , begge , or steale : so that this course , vpon these considerations , hée reiected , as in no case to be prosecuted . And for the other , to fall to fisty cuffes , to giue them as good as they broght , and to pay them home their loane , with vsurie , though his stomacke serued well thereto , and his desire to deale his almes amongst them in such a sort , was no lesse than to his dinner , yet he apprehended diuers inconueniences imminent thereupon to ensue , to wit , his Maisters rewarde , which could be no lesse worth than twenty lashes , at euery time hée should hazard for it , and the enmity of his fellowes , and the worst that they could doe vnto him besides he was to exspect . But both these two were in his cut already , and as a man would say , predestinate vnto him before either coate or shert . And therefore séeing it was his destiny , and a thing ineuitable , it was as good to haue some play for his money , he thought , as to giue it away gratis . But then to curbe this resolution came to his remembraunce , the losse of his vncles good-will and affection , if he should so violate his commaundement , and doe against his owne promise : nay , at his vnckles handes hée looked for no better than either vtter eiection , or the seuerest punishment he could inflict . What shall then poore Dobson determine to doe in the middest of so many extreames , neuer a one whereof hath any medium ? Alas poore soule saith he to himselfe , and is there no remedy , but either like a patient Asse I must applie my backe to support all the burdens of my contumelious fellowes scornes , derisions , abusings , and forgeries , together with my maisters mercilesse and vniust punishments , and the peoples vndeserued exclamations , or else néedes must I take me to my héeles , and ▪ so runne away , making my féete woorth twoo paire of handes , and my selfe guilty of some filthy crime , neuer so much as once thought vppon by me : or shall I stand vnto the matter , and turne againe like a man , and purchase my libertie , although with the expence of the dearest blood in my breath , and perhappes with the losse of my vncles fauour , who if hée weigh well my cause , or could vnderstand how I am forced thercunto , and that my reuenge is but equall and iust , hath no reason to be offended with me for such action . And certainely , of all other it is my most honourable decrée , neyther is hee so austere , sterne , or scarce of good nature , but that reason will perswade him , and for once I will attempt him : The other courses are not onely euilles , but ignominious , and where all are inconueniences , it is well allowed , that I make choice of the least in apparance : and heerewith hée settled his purpose , that the next time they occasioned him by any of their accustomd practises , or set any new snare wherein to catch him , he would hazard to hang some of them by the necke , if he could .

Long it was not before they thus consulted against him : in the Citty neare vnto the gate called Chappell Barre , was dwelling a Haverdasher , who had a very faire wife , and as it was also reported , a merry disposed wench , a good companion among Gallants , when she could procure her husbands absence , eyther get a gossiping . All the crew of Venus attendants hearing tell of her beauty , witle , and good fellowship , repayred to hir company , supplicating for Loues trophées , and the spoyle of her honesty , whereof ( as the rumour went ) shee was no great niggard , yet amongst all the number , shée most affected a Butcher of the Citty , and her next neighbour , who the more to content her humour , continued in a Batchellors estate , though a man , of personage very proper , and much desired of a multitude of Maides in the cittie , who spared not ( so farre as modesty permitted ) to sollicite his loue . But hée reserued their exspectations , therewithall to applaude the contents of this gallant Dame , and she ( as it was generally coniectured ) vsed him with no lesse kindenesse than her husband , affoording to him all his desires as opportunities serued her therevnto : and so often as her husband had occasions to absent himselfe , by reason of his going to Faires and Markets and other like necessarie businesse in the Countrey , shée would giue intelligence thereof to the Butcher , who neuer failed to supply her defect in euery poynt , as if he had beene the Haberdasher : Their familiarity and acquaintance , at the length , grew so publike , that euery corner of the Citty was filled with the report thereof , and most men esteemed the Haberdasher frée merchant in Cuckolds rowe : But shée standing vpon the Pantophles of her honesty , thought scorne to be tolde that Buckes had hornes , or that Tauernes were taken open Innes , and therefore , so often as she was trodden vppon the toes , as diuers times in quarrels with her neighbours she was let to vnderstand how the verdite passed as concerning her honesty , shee would forsooth perswade her husband that it was a sufficient action to call such persons before the Chancellor of the Spiritualties , and eyther in the publique Court to prooue what they had slaundered her withall , or they failing therein , shoulde foorthwith bee constrayned to make her lawfull satisfaction for so iniurious costes and charges .

And this she continually suggested her husband vnto , not vppon the knowledge of her innocency , but onely of purpose to cloude the poore cuckoldes eye-fight , and that vnder this pretext and chalenge , she might insinuate her selfe into her husbands good conceit , and the better cloake her knaueries : and by these glorious shewes and painted deuises , she so much preuailed with him , that he really beléeuing that she was a mirror of true modesty , and enuied onely by her neighbours , because she excéeded them in beauty , whereby he thought some iealousies they had lest she might allure from them their deuoted serui●ours and affected friends , he walked on forward like a snaile with a house on her head , who no sooner looketh forth , but her hornes are espyed , the poore foole therefore relying more confidence in his wifes flatteries , who notwithstanding all her brauadoes , would haue béene very loth that matters should haue come to the scanning : then his neighbours certaine and assured coniectures supposing his wife to be one of those innocent soules , who were inturiously slaundered and persecuted for her conscience sake , caused two honest matrons of the citty , the one a Draper , the other an Apothecaries wife , to be sommoned before she Commissary , and there , either to make good such scandalous and opprobrious spéeches , as lately in their fallings out they had taxed her with all : not being able to manifest the same , he desired the Commissary that they might be inioyned to aske his wife forgiuenes , in the Court , Church , and market , in part of satisfaction for her credite and good name , so depraued and brought in question . But alas poore man , he had forgot that the more the durt is stirred , the greater stinch it yéeldes , and that whereas before he was but suspected to be a cuckold , that now , if it were in their power to prooue it certaine , they would rather doe it , than hazard the penalty of the lawe : But he , I say , nothing mistrusting his wifes defence was very earnest in the master , and so hotly pressed them , as they could not auoyde him without their owne preiudice , vntill they made apparant by such instances , as his wife was not able to improoue , and themselues blushed to produce , that he was one of them to whome the bird in Maie sings the double note , cuckoo . So when the case was substantially discussed , and sentence to be giuen , the two matrons were discharged frée , and he confirmed a cuckold by the order of the Court.

Héereupon such poeticall braines as were resident in the Citty , to whome intelligence was giuen of the circumstances , rymed vpon the Haberdashers fortune , and his wifes behauiour , the Schoole-boyes sung ballads thereof in euery stréete , and for nine dayes there was no talke in request , but to discourse how the Haberdasher was knighted . The waggish mates who were Dobsons fellow schollers set their heades together , deuising how they might procure him the blocke , which they did thinke might easily be effected , if they could contriue any pageant , whereby to bewray the Haberdashers disgrace , and impose it vpon him : for their maister was so much his friend , that he would not spare any of them to satisfie him for any offence by them committed to his dishonour , and so at last they concluded , some night , when the stréetes were at quiet , and none to disturbe them , they would fasten to the appendix ouer the Haberdashers doore a paire of bulls hornes , with a pageant betwixt them , wherein they caused to be painted a man in his shoppe selling hattes , and a Butcher in a parlour with his wife , his one arme folding and embrating her about the middle , and in his other hand he held a mastiffe dog in a string . Ouer their heads was hanging the similitude of a bird singing vpon a howthorne , and on his crest hée had curiously portrayed a redde and gréene bunch of feathers like a combe , foorth of the which sprowted a fayre paire of séemely hornes , of a branded colour . This they got set on by the helpe of a Smith of their acquaintance , and who bare some tooth against the poore Haberdasher , that so bolstered the head of his hammer , that it forced in the naile , without any noyse making : And vnderneath th● pageant they placed these few lines written in parchment as followeth , subscribing George Dobsons name thereunto .

Who hattes is heere disposde to buy , These hornes to him such happe escry , That heere no hattes are to be solde , Vnlesse it be for some cuckolde . Such is the maister of this shoppe , Such shall they be that with him choppe Or change an olde hatte for a new , His bargaine he may happly rew . When on his browes are to be seene , Such hornes as these and them betweene : These glorious ensignes of a knight , Who perisht his weapons in a fight , Which he commenst against his wife , With whom he had a doubtfull strife : But she got victory on the morne , And reard these trophees vp in scorne , His feeble fight for to bewray , Who playd the coward , and ranne away : If he deny this to be true , The Chancery Rolles can to you shew . That he adiudged is to be , A cuckold of the best degree : And we as Heraults him assigne These armes , for now , and after time . Thus is he bounden to his frends , That to him such great fauour lends : But you ( good cuckold ) take your sleepe , The Butchers dog your doore doth keepe : And when you ride to Hexam faire , The maister will himselfe be there . And thus wishing all health to your hornes , I bid you good morrow , George Dobson .

When these braue wagges had perfourmed all these their deuises , for that instant they went euery man his way home to bed ; on the next morrow , it being sunday , the Haberdasher and his family kept their beddes longer than on the wéeke dayes they had béene accustomed , not hauing any greater businesse to goe about before feruice time , than onely to make their maisters apparrell ready , and wearied with ouer-labouring themselues the wéeke precedent , they slept it out till halfe houre past seauen , all which time the doores being shutt , the signe of the horne gaue a glorious shew to the passengers that came by , whereof there was good store that morning , for it was at that instant the wéeke wherein the Assises were holden at Dunholme , and the Towne ( in regard thereof ) was full of strangers : no man passed by but hée surueighed the ignominy of the poore Haberdasher , reading the verses vnderset so many as could , others that had no skill in letters , got them perused by such as could , and as they vnderstoode the contents , euery man blessed his forehead from the Haberdasher and his hattes , laughing apace , and making good sporte at the conceit of the ieast . After a while , the last come of his apprentices , whose custome was to be first vp , and to make the fires , hearing such noise and concourse of people about the shop , came hastily rushing to the doores , and vnbolting the same , set them open , to sée what the stirre might be : but as the doores fell open , hée might easily perceiue the cause of such assembling of the people , and as one distracted with this sodaine aspect , he stoode amongst them as one who at the sight of Gorgons head had thereby béene transformed into a pillar of stone : the people laughed a good deale the more at his astonishment , whereby the poore boyes amazement and shame increased : but recollecting his spirits , he paced vp the staires to his maisters chamber , where he was in bed with his honest mistris , by whose carefull indeuour hée was promoted to the order of the forked knights , whose scutchion and coate armour is the bugle horne . The Haberdasher nothing lesse exspecting , was by his apprentice informed of all what was to be séene : at the relation whereof he leaped foorth of his bed , reaching to his sword , which hung besides him in the chamber , and casting onely his gowne about him , without any other clothes , hée ranne downe the staires , as a man newly bereft of his wittes , and infurious and most terrible manner assaulting the hornes , hée all to batterd and cut them from the doores , and tearing off the scrowle , he rent it into péeces : at which spectacle the people were ready to die with laughing . But the Haberdasher hauing got the field , and giuen his enemies the ouerthrow , not so much as bidding his neighbours good morrow , he returned againe into his house , so afflicted with shame and griefe , as all that day he coulde not acquiet himselfe , but fared vp and downe like a bedlam , exclaiming against his wife , and accursing the time wherein he came first acquainted with her , thus ( by her lewd and naughty carriage ) to become the scorne of the worlde : but shée with gentle and calme spéeches sought to temper his passions , praying him to pardon what was past , and shee would vow and promise for euer héereafter , to liue so soberly and so modestly , as hée should thinke himselfe sufficiently satisfied for hir former misdemeanour : and further also she perswaded him not to permitte so shamefull a disgrace to passe vnreuenged , and therefore shée mooued him to charge sir Thomas with the same before the Deane and Chapiter of the house , assuring him , that they would enforce him vppon his conscience to disclose so much as hée knew thereof , for ( sayde she ) albeit the boy be very waggish , and apt enough to execute so much knauery as he can bethinke , yet do I not perswade my selfe that he could inuent this , and hang it vp in such a sort , without the assistance of some more suttle braine than his owne , and therefore sir Thomas being accused thereof before his maisters , will eyther confesse the same vpon their iniunction and commaund , ( if he haue béene a factor therein : ) or otherwise , if he be ignorant , yet shall he be vrged ( for his owne discharge ) to constraine his nephue to vnfold the truth of the whole matter .

The poore foole not considering that this course was still a meane to publish and divulge his further infamie , followed his wiues aduice , and waited his time without acquainting sir Thomas of his intent , he repaired to the Deane at such time , when hee and the residue of the prebends were assemblsd in their Chapter-house , to confer of certaine leases to be demised , and the reformation of some disorders in the Church-men : hée being admitted into the Chapter house , requested M. Deanes and their fauours , desiring that sir Thomas might bee called before them , that he might liberally disbursse his minde , and freely lay open his griefe withall , beseeching them that according to their accustomed sinceritie and pious considerations , they would grant him iustice against sir Thomas , so farre as the equitie of his cause might seem to require , which they promised to doe ; and sending for sir Thomas , who immediatly presented himselfe , they willed the Habberdasher to procéed with what hee had to say who amply related at large the setting vp of the hornes , with the scrowles annexed , and the shame hee sustained thereby , and adding , he sayd ; sir Thomas this was either properly your own act , or otherwise it was done by your direction , for vnto the scrole was subscribed the name of your nephew , George Dobson : and therefore good master Deane ( said he ) let sir Thomas be inioyned to shewe his purpose therein , and to make me amends , or I shall complaine vpon you all to higher powers , who I trust wil remedie my case , and afford mee law and iustice against you all , for the neglect of my satisfaction ; for you ought to instruct such ignorant people ( as my selfe ) not onely by good and wholesome doctrine , but also by the example of a holy and godly life , and it hath not béen heard of in any mans age , that euer any such abuse hath béen deuised by any of the Clergie , as this which hath béene practized vpon me : and therefore I sue to you M. Deane , and the rest of your brother-hood , that I , as I am publikely disgraced thereby , so at the next time of the Sessions , sir Thomas in the face of the Judges of Assises , and the people there assembled , shall confesse his misdoing , and vpon his knées shall aske me and my wife forgiuenesse , for certainely , I am perswaded , that albeit his Nephew séemeth to take it vnto him , yet can it be no other , then sir Thomas his deuise : for which ( I say ) if you doe not constraine him in this forme to satisfie mée , I shall speake shame of you all , & assure my selfe that you haue beene all thereunto assenting as much as he , and herewith in a great chafe he was ready to depart , without hearing of Sir Thomas his reply , either M. Deanes verdict , who laughed full heartily at the Habberdashers impatience , and his hot inuectiue made against sir Thomas . But dissembling it as much as possibly he could , couering his face with his gowne sléeue , hée intreated the Habberdashers placable audience , till sir Thomas had made answer to his obiection ; wherein if he did not fully discharge and acquit himselfe , he swore to him vpon his holinesse , that both sir Thomas , and his Nephew likewise should vndergoe , either that , or any other penance : notwithstanding ( said M. Deane ) that I could wish , you would admit of some other satisfaction more to your owne commoditie , and with more safe escape of your credit . For say that sir Thomas should performe all that you desire , yet if there be any cause of probabilitie , that your wife hath faulted to you , though but in suspect amongst your neighbours , yet this action ministring occasion to strangers to make inquirie of the matter amongst their acquaintances in the towne , and shall therby vnderstand their censures and opinions , it will but make the infamie the more notorious , that he doth it vpon Iniunction , and feare lest that if he should refuse so to doe , he should be depriued of his Benefices and disgraded : others will coniecture , that he doth it the more to notifie your disgrace , and your wifes ill demeanor , to the ende that she perceiuing her shame to be published , may be forced to correct her carriage ; for vnlesse my memorie do faile me , I vnderstand by the Chancelor of our spiritnallties , that too much hath béene proued against her . And if sir Thomas then should first acknowledge the setting vp of the said hornes which stuffeth this your stomake , and it can digest no better course but reuenge , and after that he hath made the same acknowledgement , shall reply and inferre , that hée hath done no more then hath béene prooued in open Court , to bée due to such dishonest dealings , and shall also adduce the same Testificants , that were witnesses against her in the Chancery , where will then your amends be had , shall not then your matter be worse then at the beginning ? , yea certainely . But howsoeuer , I am very willing that you haue iustice , and whatsoeuer penaltie the law will impose for so indigne an action if he cannot cleare himselfe hée shall abide it , but t is conuenientt we put him to his purgation , and heare what answere he can make , and turning his face toward sir Thomas , he thus framed his speach .

I doe not a little meruaile , that you sir Thomas , should shew yourselfe so scarce of reason , or ciuilitie ; nay , so void of the feare of God and the respect of your function , and the good estimate of vs all , whose credites must needs be blemished , if you haue had a hand heerein , or meddled in such irreligious complots , to the vtter defamation of any person , with such hazzard of ther liues and soules . For if on the shame therof they had laid violent hands on them selues , desperately kild ech other , what a horrible sin had you béene guiltie of and attaint ? I grant it is your office , Vitia improbare , turpitudinem , redarguere , & fratrem peccantem admonere : but it is to be done Suauiter & sine amaritudine , and with Noahs blessed sonne we must rather take the mantle from our owne backs , to couer therewith our brothers nakednesse , then with wicked Cham , lay open our fathers shame to the view of the world ; which if we doe , we are to expect no better reward then was his , to wit , the malediction of our heauenly and celestiall father , and therefore without inference of many circumstances , if you be giltie I doe charge you vpon your conscience , Priest-hood , and the dutie you owe vnto God and our fellowship , in a word sincerely to confesse it , and if you be ignorant thereof or not assenting thereto , your oath shall suffice to satisfie both vs and this honest man ; and therewith he caused a booke to be caryed to sir Thomas , wherevppon he deposed as followeth : By the contents of this holy Bible , by the loue I owe vnto Almightie God , and by my obedience vnto this place and societie , vpon the integritie of my conscience , and the honor of my Priest-hood : I am innocent of euery paticular wherewith this man chargeth me , and this is the first time that euer I heard of it . And also I protest , that if my Nephew haue beene an Agent herein , I shall first giue him such punishment as he hath deserued , and after I shall exclude and renounce him for euer : and therewith he kissed the booke , and surrendred it againe . Whereat good-man Goose was cleane quatted , and not able to bring any further proofe , departed a more knowne cuckolde than before , and so continued all his life long .

Sir Thomas being also dismissed from the Chapter house , could not be contented vntill he had further inquired of this matter , and so going to the schoole , he examined his nephew of the same , in the presence of his maister , and the schollers , of whome there were diuerse , which did euidence against him , both falsely , and vpon malice , especially they who were the principall offendors , as a Tanner and Painters sonnes , who faced him downe , that he bespoke them to prouide him of the signes which were set vp , and which they ( mistrusting no such matter ) affoorded him . But hereunto he answered with an vndaunted courage , that they iniuriously belyed him , and alledged so many reasons as his childish braine could propound to improoue their assertions , but no reason would excuse him , their testimony was alowed , and he sharpely beaten , which he not knowing how to auoyde , he tooke patiently for the time , yet he protested that he was not onlie innocent , but ignorant of the matter , and resolued , that séeing it was so , that it was all one with him , to be a thiefe , and to be but onely suspected , he altered his purpose as Ployden did the Case , reuenged his owne iniuries , without respect of either his vncles pleasures , or his maisters punishments , and so that day in their going home to dinner , hée dealt his beneuolence , and payed so soundly his false witnesses , that he caused them to sing miserere , and before his vncle to confesse the trueth of the matter , and their principall intent . Whereof his vncle much reioycing , and vnderstanding his innocencie , mooued them to declare the same before their maister , first taking his promise to pardon their offence : for ( saieth hée ) their acknowledgement shal frée them from punishment , which their master granting , they vnfolded euery circumstance , which he particularly related againe to maister Deane and the prebends , who much commending his nephew , willed sir Thomas to place him at the singing schoole , and promised , that so soone as he could kéepe any consort , or beare a part , they would benefice him in the Cathedrall . For which he humbly thanking them , departed home in great content and peace of minde .

¶ How Dobson reuenged the quarrell of his friend vpon the Vsher . Chap. 4.

GEorge Dobson , euery day after this , so long as he continued at the reading schoole entred the lists , and fought the combate with some one or other of his fellowes , wherein fortune so much fauoured him , as shée alwayes graunted him victory , and hée brought them vnto such slauery and subiection , that howsoeuer he vsed them , complaine they durst not , vnlesse the hurt were so apparant as that it could not be couered from their maisters sight , neyther then vpon examination dared any of them taxe him therewith , vnlesse himselfe did confesse the matter , which hée alwayes did with such dexteritie , as he alwayes sufficiently discharged himselfe , and thrust the blame vpon the party iniuried , whereunto no man vsed any contradiction : and the maister , in respect hée had found foorth their practises against him in former time , the rather tooke his word , and the lesse beléeued them , whereby ensued to him a great deale of quiet : for they séeing him so stand to himselfe , man forth his owne matter , and the maister so much on his side , that it was not possible to separate him from his good conceiued opinion , by little and little they desisted from further abusing him , contenting themselues with onely laughing at him in secret . His vncle also became so hopefull of his well doing , that he likewise turned a deafe eare to all complaints that came against him , imagining that such were rather vrged of mallice , as in former times than vppon any desert , and so when as he could perfitly write and reade , hée remooued him thence to the singing schoole , where he profited so well , that in short time he was fit for a Choristers rowme , which to him was granted vpon the first motion made , the Deane himselfe installed him , and of his owne proper charge furnished him with gowne and surplesse , commaunding his vncle to reserue the benefit of his place for his preferment to the vniuersity of Cambridge or Oxford , when hée should be sufficient to be sent thither . His vncle no small man in regard Maister Deane so much respected his nephew , fitted him of euery thing conuenient to his estate , not permitting him to want any thing that the boy wold demaund or say was néedeful : and perceiuing his vncle so much to dote vpon him , he plaid the wagge with more libertie then before , and being growne vp to a good sturdy ladde , he first so handled the matter , that hée became captaine of Schooles , and so hampered the whole multitude as no man dared to offend him , but studied by all possible means to inuest themselues into his fauor and friendship , whereof they being possessed , thought themselues as sure as if they had béene shutt vp in Warke castel , for to his fauourites none presumed to offer iniury , or make complaint vpon them , neither the Vsher aduentured to punish for what offence soeuer ; but by his conniuency , so much he feared his displeasure , whereof he had vpon occasions tasted , and hauing béene once vnder him at shrift , hée found him so strict in the imposition of penaunce , that hée neuer desired afterward to vse him any more for a ghostly father , and the matter came thus to effect . There was in the schoole one Raikebanes , whom Dobson highly loued , and more estéemed of , than of all other fellowes , both in regard hée was borne in the country , and also for that his manners and conditions were more correspondent to his humour than any others in that place : This Raikebaines one day when hée supposed that they shold haue licence so pastime themselues in the fields , brought with him to the schoole his artillery , purposing to bestow that after noone in shooting , but his exspectations prooued frustrate , for their superior Maister Bromeley was at the same instant by his acquaintaunce inuited into the towne to a banquet , where he conceiuing to be longer detained from schoole than he could haue wished , referred to the vsher the whole charge thereof , taking with him onely Debson , because hée was a pleasantly disposed guest , and apt to incite laughing , as also hauing a tunable voyce to assist him , if his company called for a Song , the Vsher set in the top of his triumph , to manifest his authority , was so precise , that at no intreaty of gentlemen he would condescend to let the schollers goe abroad , notwithstanding diuers of good respect made sute for the same ▪ all of whom he shakd off with an absolute deniall ; but some of them scorning to be too importunate , either to haue him thinke that they respected to rest beholden to him for so simple a fauour , sent to master Bromeley himselfe , who willingly assented to their requests and dismissed the schollers , notwithstanding master Vsher his repugnancie to the contrary , and albeit that the day was farre gone before they were set at libertie , yet Raikebaines procured some of his best acquaintances to spend so much thereof as remained in shooting .

And returning home towards night , in a valley betwixt the riuer and the wood , which banketh the riuer all alongst as it enuironeth the citty , he espied M. Vsher at his meditations , whose presence his stomacke was not able to digest for that hée had so peremptorily abridged them of that dayes recreation . And so speaking to his companions , by my trueth ( saith he ) I discouer a Woodcocke by the water side , and I could find in heart to pick his head to the bones , and giue my dogges his flesh , so doe I loue him , I would I were in France , vpon condition his nose were of equall sise with a natural woodcocks bill , I should make a commoditie of his picture , I am assured , if not of the reall substance : Well sir William , though I bée not of strength sufficient to deale with you at handy stroakes , and beat wit into your wooden head , yet my heart is good enough to hazzard with you at the speares point : and as Hercules , vnable with spéede of foot to ouertake the Centaure , running away with his fairest Deinira , sent a messenger to stay him till his comming ; so my selfe acknowledging my imbecillitie and weakenesse to dis-inable me to close with you in armes , will neuerthelesse fight afarre off , and dispatch my poste , by whose spéedy blast , you shall be let to vnderstand how dearly I affect you : and therewithall pulling an arrow from vnder his girdle , he sent it with a right good will , to bid sir William good Euensong , which lighting vppon the shirt of his gowne behinde , only feared him without any further harme . But hée turning about , and séeing from whence the flight was sent , set himselfe backe to méete them at the bridge foote , where making inquirie of the matter , the whole case was vnfolded and Rackebains attainted .

The next morrow he complained to M. Bromley , and caused poore Iames to be lashed , at which Dobson storming made no great exterior shewe , yet purposed in heart to take a condigne reuenge vpon sir William when opportunitie serued , which he performed within a short time after , as you shall heare .

Sir William had a chamber néere to M. Deanes own lodging , and the fore-doore opening into the great yard , ( commonly called the Abbey garth , it had also a backe doore , by the which he might passe through M. Deanes kitchin garden into the Cathedrall , as also when it pleased him to take the benefite of the same , there hee might walke , or exercise any other recreation by M. Deanes licence , who for that he estéemed him a very honest yong man , and a painefull in schoole matters , authorised him to vse the easement thereof : in a corner of this Garden was built a house for M. Deane his Poultrie , where hée had alwayes great store féeding for his prouision , both Turkies , Capons , Fezants , and other of like sort . Dobson therefore vppon this iniury done to his friend , continually troubled his braine for reuenge , and after aduisements , he supposed he could no way so sufficiently come quit with him , as to deuise some meane whereby to procure him M. Deanes alienation of good will , and losse of good liking ; being therefore very intimate and familiar with the Boy that attended him in his chamber , hée was particularly informed of sir Williams whole course and demeanor , and of all the benefits of his lodging . Dohson then thinking that in respect sir William onely had accesse into this garden , that if he could drawe the boyes assent vnto the practise of any knauery , either in the garden or about the Poultrie , that there might be occasions good enough to set master Deanes stomacke against him became so entire with the boy as in short space he promised to concurre with Dobson for the making vppe of any ieast , that might not tend to his own extreame preiudice , and his maisters vtter infamy . For which Dobson protesting to regratiate both him , and to haue care of the circumstances , lay still in waite , when he might take sir William napping , or fittely effect any thing whereby to worke him some notable shame ; in the winter time when a snowe fell , he came to the Chamberlaine desiring him to affoord him a paire of sir William shooes , and that the same night when sir William should be asleepe , that he would suffer him to enter the wooddeyard , where ( saith he ) I wil be so hardy as to take away one of master Deanes fattest Turkies , wherewith we will make merry and laugh in some conuenient place in the towne . O God forbid said the Chamberer , for when the Turkie is wanting they will straight suspect me , because I onely , and my maister the Deanes Poulterer excepted , haue recourse into that place , and for my maister they know him honest enough , neither will they conceiue any iealousie of him , but presently they will accuse and also cause mée to be punished . Not so quoth Dobson , for to preuent them therein I desire to haue sir Williams shooes , that they may sée that the print left in the snowe is of a mans foote , not of a boyes , which sight will assuredly acquit thée : and knowing sir Williams honestie in all former times , they will be brought to that exigent , that they shall not know what to doe or say : and héereupon they will be enforced to conceale it , lest if accusing thy master , the blame be thrust vpon themselues . The boy loath to displease Dobson , or to hazard his goodwill , condiscended to his desires , lent him a paire of his masters shooes , and at his time appointed permitted him to haue frée passage through the house into the woodyard , from whence hée tooke away the fattest Turkie to his knowledge , and quietly conueying him by the same passage , leauing the shooes with the boy in the Chamber , hée carried the Turky to be dressed in the towne at a Cookes house of his acquaintance , wherewith hée feasted such of his friends as he made choice of , laughing to consider how he intended to blonke sir William : so when the morning came he conueyed himselfe betimes to his vncles chamber , which was also in the same court , and had one window lighting into the same wood-yard , thither he secretly conueyed himselfe to attend the Poulterers comming to serue his birdes , who about his ordinary time came to bring them meate , and to sée if he had all his number , where he missed ( by the head ) the Turky that was stollen . This want being extraordinary , amazed him : and hée could not deuise how it should come to passe , if either some weasell , stot , or poulecat had not deuoured her . But then againe he considered that so little a beast could not so dispatch him , but that there would haue béene left some remainders ; neither could he discerne which way any such vermine could haue accesse vnto that place . To thinke that he was stollen , was but a méere imagination , as he supposed , since there was no way left to théeues , so that what to censure aright hée was altogether ignorant .

But while that he stood in this doubt and perplexitie , incertaine what to do or determine vpon , suddenly turning himselfe about , he obserued in the snow the print of a mans foot , which he traced from thence to Sir Williams backe doore , where he perceiued the entry of the same , and the exit likewise , which put him into a greater extasie then before : sometimes he thought without further question this way hath my Maisters Turky beene conueyed : and yet I muse who should do it , for I may bée well assured that Sir William would not so tricke mée for a world of riches , neither hath it beene done by his consent either knowledge : for he promised to my Maister on his credit , that no other but himselfe only and his boy that euer should come into that place , and then to charge him with so foule a fact were great folly , and to my selfe it might procure great displeasure . For first , if I should obiect this against him , neither will my Master giue any eare thereto , either beleeue it , so highly standeth Sir William in his fauour : neither will he for any time hereafter thinke well of me , for broaching such a slaunder . And holding this no expedient course , before he proceeded any further in the matter , he returned into the kitchin , where he related to the Cookes what had chanced , requesting them to aduise him what to do , who came all forth with him into the wood-yard to see how the case stood , & could as little say to the matter as himselfe : diuers were their verdicts , and they varied all in their opinions : some sti-mulated him to charge Sir William with the stealth , others wished him to beware what he did : some aduised him to informe their Master , but the most part gaue him counsell to let it quietly passe , without making further to do about it , and rather to giue diligent attendance to the rest : alleadging that if it were a steaith , seeing no stirre to be made concerning this , the théefe would hazard to haue another , when he might be apprehended , and hée onely blamed and punished who had committed the trespasse . But while they were thus diuided in their iudgements , and as it were in mutinies among themselues , Dobson as though he had been ignorant of the whole case looking foorth at his Vnckles chamber window , desired to know the cause of such their debatings , whereof they made a briefe rehearsall . Alas , God helpe you , are you so simple as to thinke your Maisters Turky gone by any other meane , then by him the print of whose foot you find in the snow : nay assure your selues , that whosoeuers shooe that impression doth fitte , hée is the person which hath committed the theft . And I would counsell you to take héed how you charge Sir William therewith : for albeit there be probable signes that it hath beene conueied thorow his chamber , yet his honesty and good carriage is of such regard , both with your Master , and the whole , as you shall incurre great blame by such complaint , vnlesse you were able to proue it against him , and therein I do suppose you will find difficulties , for he hath neuer yet béene conuicted of any misdemeanor , and therefore take good aduise before you call him into question . And in my opinion , to frée you of your iealosie of him , it is the best course , to borrow one of his shooes , by which you may take a sure trial whether it be he or not : and so may you deale with more securitie , both in respect of him and your selues . This counsell was contenting to them all , and according to good reason . Knocking therefore at his chamber doore , he being yet in bed , they mooued his chamberer for one of his shooes , who suspecting the cause of their request , much against his stomacke brought to them one of the same which Dobson had vsed in the stelth : which agreeing equally with the print , they were al both very sorrowfull and ashamed in Sir Williams behalfe : but Dobson was not a little ioyfull to sée his deuise take such fortunate effect . The Poulterer , as hee whom it more concerned then the rest , called vp Sir William , and after some inuectiue speeches , questioned him of the Turkies stelth : but he much meruailing why they should so strictly taxe him , when they had opened vnto him the likelyhoods , inducing them to charge him , protested vpon the holy Bible , that himselfe was cléere and innocent of such fellony : and assured them further , that neither man nor child had entrance that way by his meanes , or vpon his knowledge : and as for my boy ( saith he ) I dare also giue to you my word , that hee neuer commeth in place , but when my selfe am present ; that is , when wée goe and come from seruice . But all this would not suffice to excuse Sir William , Dobson so vrged the Poulterer to informe Maister Deane thereof : for ( saith he ) if you shall faile to do it , I will cause my vncle to complain of you : for otherwise Sir William clearing himselfe in this manner , it may be supposed , that my vncle or I are acknowne thereof , because our chamber window hath a prospect into the wood-yard ; but by your patience sir , you shall not blocke vs so : and therefore as you will answere it when you shall heare thereof , it is your fairest meane to tell first , lest you bée let to vnderstand the same to your displeasure . And thus backed with Dobsons threatnings , he acquainted his Maister with all as you haue heard . Maister Deane inraged against Sir William , sent for him , and in the presence of the Prebends examined him of the same , who protested as before , that he did not know thereof . Well , ( said Maister Deane ) Sir William , we will take your word , and pardon the fault , but yet the probabilitie of the matter maketh vs to misdoubt you ; and from henceforth wee will interrupt you of that walke , and intreat you to take a little more pains and goe about . At which sentence passed , Sir William inwardly repined , that the peoples eares should be filled with these suspitions , and to haue his doores shut vp . But howsoeuer it greeued him , he must inforce his patience : and so with solemne protestation of his innocency , for that time he departed home , both sorrowfull and ashamed .

Dobson well pleased to haue procured him this drie Bob at Maister Deanes hands , was yet notwithstanding not fully satisfied with this reuenge of his friends wrong , but determined yet further , when time serued , to pay him all that he had promised , scorning to dye in his debt : and therefore continuing stil friendly with his Chamberlaine , he vnderstood that Sir William was about a wife , a Marchants daughter in the Towne , a pretty fisgig girle , and who to humor Sir William , would many times repaire to his chamber , especially in the winter euenings , when the neighbours could not so wel obserue her walkes as at other times when the dayes were longer , and the euenings more lightsome : Oftentimes she would kéepe him company all the night , vntill fiue of the clocke in the morning , at which houre she commonly departed , that she might be at home before her father was vp & came abroad forth of his chamber , who knew nothing of her vagaries which her mother permitted , vpon the confident trust she had in Sir William his honest vsage of her , who had moued her husband and her selfe in the matter , crauing their fauourable assents , of whom they conceiued a singular good liking , and desired to accomplish the match with him , conditionally that Maister Deane would assure him his place by pattent during his life , but thereof he was quite hopelesse in respect of his late accident , and dared not to make suit for it ; and thereuppon they deferred to giue their consents , especially the merchant himselfe , but the maide being much affected toward him , and longing to be a mistris in the Abbey , frequented his company as before is said : whereof Dobson being perfitely instructed by the chamberer , laboured his wittes , without intermission , how to gall sir Williams delicates with some bitter sirrope of disgrace : and hauing a nimble head and working braine , he thus effected his drift , hée learned of the boy what night they had appointed for their next méeting at his maisters chamber , which the boy discouered vnto him : but whie desirest thou to know , said he , fearing some such pretence as before he had drawne him vnto ? O nothing said Dobson , but if then thou couldst be absent , I should be gladde to haue thy company at the signe of the Foare , where I haue set downe that night to meete certaine Gentlemen of the countrey , to whome I haue promised a song , and a set of musicke , and I shall thinke my selfe much in thy debt if thou wilt be there to sing the Meane amongst vs , which if thou shalt doe , the least parte of their liberalitie shall not be thine .

Say no more ( sayd the boy ) for if mistris Iane hold her appoyntment , and lodge with my maister all the night , so soone as they are gone to bed , I will not faile to be one among you , but if they sit vp all night , then I cannot be away , for that I must be sent into the towne for wine , or some other conceit , as they shall thinke good . Why then saide Dobson , this is all that we may resolue , that if she come according to promise , and occasion serue that thou mayest present thy selfe with vs , then we shall haue thy company ; and if otherwise , thou shalt certifie me , to the end that we may prouide another to supply thy want : Thereof be you assured saide the boy , and make no doubt : that sufficeth , quoth Dobson , and so farewell . The boy tooke his direct course to his mistris chamber , and Dobson his to certaine of his déerest friends , whom hée desired to affoord him their assistance in the stealing of a Diere the next tuesday ensuing , for saith he , a kinswoman of mine in the country who longeth for venison , hath sent to mée to prouide her . I haue both intreated for her , and offered money , but cannot procure her a simple fée , and rather than she shall receiue harme for the want thereof , I will hazard to fetch one foorth of Beares parke , so I may intreate your good helpes . And if Fortune fauour our attempts , looke what shall be more than to stay her longing , shall be at your owne disposing , neither shall you feare any inconuenience to come thereof : for if that our chaunce should be so euill as to be taken , I trust well that my vnckle will worke our attonement with Maister Deane , and set vs frée from punishment , and in respect of that fauor I shall rest wholy yours at all times to pleasure you . Dobsons reputation was such amongst the caualieroes in the citty , that he could not so easily request , as they assent to effect his desires , assuring that to do him anie pleasure , they were all at all times ready to abide any penalty of the law , without exspectation of fauour , or forbearaunce : for he saide , he who will stand foorth to help his friends necessity for any feare , is not worthy the name of a good fellow , and therefore make choice of your time , and we wil not be wanting to goe with you , which they performed according to his assignement . And by the helpe of their greyhounds , they quickely had killed their game , and trussing her vpon a horse , they brought her safely away , the Kéepers that night neglecting their watch . Dobson directed them to an Inne in the towne , where he desired them to attend his comming , which should be within an houre after . And when he once supposed them to be safe in the house , hée went to the Kéepers Lodge in the Parke , willing them to rise , for this night , saieth hée , one of your diere is slaine and carried hence , as I coniecture , for comming this éeuening to my vncle Pharaoes , I mette her vpon the shoulders of foure good fellowes , and ( to my iudgement ) she is carried to sir Williams chamber , the vsher of the singing schoole , so that if your selfe did not bestow her vpon him , I beléeue that there you shal find both hir and the parties that haue committed the slaughter ; for among them I could perfitly discerne sir William , and his brother Robert : what the other were I could not so well obserue , for they shunned my way a little , and my selfe was loath to be espied of them : and therefore now that I haue discharged my loue and duety to maister Deane , and my good will to you : deale you herein as reason and the cause requireth , and herewith he departed posting after his companions as he could , vntill hée came to the Inne , where hée had appointed them to stay , and sir Williams boy to méete him , who had continued there the most parte of the night to attend his comming . Dobson commaunding the cookes to make ready the venison , taking his companion aside , asked him if mistris Iane were with sir William or not : yea and by this asléepe betwixt his armes : and so let her be , quoth Dobson , we shall fare the better for their sakes , God send them ioy at their arising , and so going into the company againe , they fell to sporting vntill the venison was made ready .

The kéeper of Bearesparke much mooued at Dobsons relation , without further delayes leapt from his bed , and hauing put vppon him his apparrell , away he pased to Dunholme in haste , neuer so much as breathing till hée came to the Deanes lodging , where knocking at the gates , hée commaunded the Porter to let him in , for he had serious matters to deliuer to his maister , and that presently , being brought to his bed chamber , and admitted to speake , he made rehearsall of Dobsons report , further annexing , that if it would please his worshippe to arise , and to make search in sir Williams chamber , at this instant wée shall take all them who haue doone iniurie to your worship , and murdred the game . The Deane beléeuing that euery thing was euen so as he had saide , hauing him in suspition for his Turkey , arose in a great chafe against sir William , and caused his men to call vp so many of the prebends as were then in the towne , to assist him . They much maruelling what occasions he had to imploy them at that time of the night : they made great haste to come to his lodging , whither when they were all arriued , he declared the cause of his disturbing of them so extraordinarily , crauing their pardon , because ( saith he ) if I should tolerate him to procéede in these courses , hée will doe shame to vs all , in the face of the world ; and for that you shall not suppose that I runne against him vpon méere suggestions , or splenatiue informations , I haue therefore requested your presences , that you might be eye-witnesses of his abuses done against me : for notwithstanding that by my meanes he was not onely placed in the Schoole , as you all know , but also was allowed the pleasures of my gardens , and orchards , vntill such time as my Turkie was ( through his default ) taken away and stolne , which I pardond him with the only abridgement of my garden contents , and the pleasures he thereby receiued : but in requitall of my benignities he hath this night with other his confederates and loose fellowes gone into my Parke and stolne away one of my diere , and at this instant , in his chamber , is feasting there with the associates of his knaueries , whither I request you all to accompany me , that they may be all arrested , and vndergoe such penalty as the law to such offendors hath limited , for I perceiue , that further to forbeare him , is but to stimulate and egge him forwards to all other fortes of disorder . Vnto which his speech , they giuing a generall applause , sette forward with him to search sir Williams chamber , who ( poore man ) fearing no such matter , was layd arme in arme with his swéete mistris Iane : and as he supposed , secure enough . But we see no man so much in daunger as he who dreadeth none . Sir William unbracing his sweet mistris is awaked foorth of his dreams , and commanded to s●t open his doores that master Dean may come in : O good Lord , who can explane the perplexities he conceiued at the name of Maister Deane ? Alas sayd he to mistris Iane , what shall we now do ? or course shall we take to keepe you from his sight ? sor at the backe doore I can not dismisse you , for he hath caused that passage to be barred vp so strongly , as that it can not be broken : nay , and perhappes his busines is into the wooddeyeard , and then that were the worst of all other courses , conueiaunce I haue none to hide you in , and if I shoulde thrust you into my study , it is to be doubted that there he will finde you : and I had rather go bare foote to Rome , than that hee should so ouertake vs , for we were not only vndone , but shamed for euer . It is woonder to mee what hee hath to do with me thus late in the night , or what should mooue him to come hither in th●s manner , vnlesse some of purpose haue giuen him intelligence of your being heere .

The yong girle not able to aduise him , qu●king for feare , and ready to sincke with shame , prayed him to thrust her vnder the bed , for sure saith she , he wil haue no occasion to see●e there for any thing , and casting her cloathes about her as it would bée , shee crept vnder the bed her selfe , and sir William couered her with an old carpet : but the Deane offended that he made no more speed to let him into the house , perswading himselfe , that he of purpose kept him there , till he had conueighed his associates and the venison out of sight , commanded his men violently , to breake open the doores , and enter the house : all which they did , and lighting vp torches , gaue way for M. Deane and the Prebends to come in ; who strictly examined sir William of his companions and the veneson , charging him to tell them where hee had bestowed them , and it . ( But sir William Godwot ) though his conscience testified vnto him that he was accessarie to no such action , yet vpon this heauie taxe of M. Deane , hée was ready to fall dead before them , swearing and protesting that he neuer came into that parke , day nor night about any such purpose , humbly praying M. Deane to pardon him , and to alter such his conceits , for ( saith he ) I am a true and iust man . But at this reply , the Kéeper assured M. Deane that the very same night one Deare was killed , and that he who told him thereof , could not be mistaken of sir William . M. Deane there vpon , notwithstanding all his solempne protestations , commanded to search euery corner of the chamber , and vnder the bed , where they found the poore Doe in a colde palsie , who for shame to be so taken , sownded in the presence of them all , and was ready to giue vp the ghost : sir William became mute , and fared like a man destraughted . The Deane and Prebends blamed him very much , and threatned to punish these disorders , yet all did their indeuors to bring Mistresse Iane to her perfect senses againe . And when she was recouered they sent her home to her mothers house , willing her mother to respect more her daughters honestie and good name . Dobson and his associats were thrust in among the searchers , and laughed their parts at sir William his interprize . The Deane and Prebends returned home to their beds , so blanked with this bob , that they could not tell what to conceite other , then that some mad braine fellow , either spiting at , or meaning to make a scorne of sir William , had of purpose plotted it : but before the morning was blased through the citie the whole accedents , at which a number made good pastime . Poore Mistresse Iane kept her closet , ashamed to péepe out of doores , vntill her father taking the matter in snuffe , went to M. Deane and the Prebends , desiring them to constraine sir William to make amends to his daughter , and in the sight of the people to marry her : whith they compelled him to doe , and to gratifie the Marchant , they confirmed him a pattent of the Vshership as largely as he desired and contrary to his expectation . After this the truth of the matter was published , neither did any man disallowe of Dobsons bob , and sir William euer after was carefull not to offend him , or any of his friends .

How Dobson deceiued his friend Raikebaines of a Pudding , and how hee shut him vp in the Candle cupbord . The fifth Chapter .

DObson séeing his matches to make so wel and his contrinings to come to so good a passe , broke his Bobbes on each mans nose , without respect , he spared no persons but as occasion was offered , he played the wagge , sometime in the city , other while in the countrey , by meanes whereof his fame spread it selfe all ouer : and all pleasantly disposed humourists , sought to be acquainted with him , although he were but yet a scholler : neither did at chiue any small commendations for his practise against Sir William . But before this he had plotted diuers others in the schools amongst his fellowes , whereof one was this : Rakebaines ( of whom before we haue spoken ) was borne in the countrey sixe miles distant from Dunhoime , whither he was sent to the schoole , to be instructed in good letters , and sundry good manners sitting his estate and parentage . He was tabled with a sister of his mothers married to a Lawyer in the Citie , who had also a sonne which daily did accompany him to the schoole , as very a wagge as the best , yet he alwaies more smoothly carried his knaueries then Rakebaines did ; neuer putting his hand to any action , but when he was assured of another betwixt him & the halter . This Raikebains father being a gentleman of good port and great hospitalitie , kept continually a liberall and bountifull house ; and toward Christmas time he killed euery yeare great store of beasts . His mother to applaud her sonnes content , at such times alwayes sent to him and her nephew some store of puddings : which he , to th end he might braue of his mothers respect toward him amongst his fellow scholers , would many times carry with him to the schoole , therewith to breake his fast , when the rest were licensed to goe home , or to their Innes , which ordinarily they were wont to doe at eight a clocke in the morning . So it happened his cosin to be sicke , Raikebaines was to goe to schoole alone ; he thought it better to carry his breakefast with him , then to trouble himselfe to come so farre for it . And because he thought there was nothing so fit for his carriage as a pudding ▪ he desired the maid to bestow one vpon him , which his request she assented vnto . But when it approached néere breakefast time , he tooke great care how to haue it safely warmed , and that it might not bée snatched from him : and therefore fearing the disorders of his fellowes , he intreated Dobson to affoord his assistance , and to stand his friend : which if he should do , he promised to share it equally betwixt them . Dobson purposing in stéed of an inch to take an ell , and for the whole scarcely to returne the skinne , prepared a place for it before the fire , and would not permit any man to come during the time it was in making hot . And before that it was thorowly warmed , the clocke stroke eight , and euerie man departed except Dobson and Raikebaines , who staid expecting til the pudding should be warme enough . Dobson hauing the promise of the halfe , sate deuising how he might possesse him of the whole : and so when he perceiued it to be hot enough : Iames ( saith he ) looke out at the window , and see whether any of them be returning to the schoole or not : for if they shall come before we haue made an end , they will so molest vs , that wée shall not eate it in quiet : so that if thou dost espy any of them to be néere hand , wée will conuey our selues into some corner , vntill we haue made dispatch thereof . But whilest Iames Rakebaines was ascending into the window , to do as he was aduised , away goeth Dobson with the pudding thorow the Church and Cloister , into the Cannons hall , wherein shutting himselfe , and fast bolting the doores , he feasted himselfe with the whole pudding : but Raikebanes in hope to recouer some part at the least , pursued him with huy and cry through Church and Cloister , vntill he came to the Common hall , where finding the doores bolted , he stayed knocking and exclaiming the space of an houre ▪ but could haue no entrance , neither any aunswere . In the meane time while hée there continued rapping and calling to his friend , sometimes imperiously commaunding Dobson to part stake , and to make equall diuidence with him : otherwhile intreating him to reward him with some small portion , who once was owner of the whole . Sir Thomas passing that way from his chamber to the Chancel , hearing him many times to nominate Dobson , came to know the cause of his disturbance . Rakebaines fully confiding by his helpe to haue either his pudding , 〈◊〉 some part thereof restored , diselesed to him all the circumstances aforesaid : who much offended for his wrongs receiued , commaunded Dobson to appeare in his likenesse , and to come to his answere : he hearing the voyce of his vncle , came streight to the doores , and vnboulting the same , patiently heard all that euer could be obiected against him , vnto the which he made this reply . Vncle ( saith he ) you may do as you sée cause , in beléeuing him or me , but surely hée hath foreskipped and told to you my tale , for my Aunt Pharoe sent me this pudding vpon Saturday last , which I reserued vntill now . And in very deed , because I feared that whilest I were called by my Maister to sing , or other exercise , haply it might haue béen stollen from me , I intreated him to giue respect thereto till it were warmed , and to recompence his paines I promised to bestow vpon him some part thereof : but he would néedes be his owne caruer , and either haue the greater halfe , or none : which because he refused to stand to my beneuolence , and the pact made betwixt vs , I haue wholly dispatched , and haue left him none thereof : and for this cause he cryeth and exclaimeth against me , as you heare . Raikebaines perceiuing by Dobsons countenance , that if he should reply against him , or deny any thing which Dobson had said to be true , that he should then for euer loose his friendship , séemed to yéeld to his affection , and to graunt his defensorie spéech for truth , contenting himselfe both to brooke the iniurie , and eke to beare the blame .

Sir Thomas séeing no great cause vppon the rehearsall made by both the parties why to chide his nephew , requested Raikebaines to acquiet himselfe for that time , and charged thother no more so to dis-taste his familiar frind : But it was not long before Dobson had forgot his vncles strict iniunction , and his promise of better vsing his friends : for it was his humour , neuer to play one shrewd turne alone , but being of a scrupulous conscience , hée payed euer his debts double ouer , and scorned to restore the capitall summe without the interest , and therefore once more he made bolde with his fellow , curbing his exspectations : and because Lent was at hand , hée prepared him to obserue the fast . This same yéere his vnckle sir Thomas was chosen Choraster of the Cathedrall , and to set vp the tapers at the times of seruice , both morning and euening , from the feast of Saint Martine , vntill the feast of March. Sir Thomas , whether it were that leuing his bed well in a morning , he was loath to rise so earely in that cold season , or otherwise , for that he would haue his nephew to haue experience in these offices , whereunto in future times he might be elected and promoted , and not to be to learne when he should be placed therein . He made him his substitute , and appointed him to lighten and extinguish the tapers and candles , specially in the mornings : which Dobson diligently performed with the assistance of his fellowes , who in hope to haue some of the short ends which could no more bée set vp for the Church seruice did dayly both before and after prayers , which were to be done at sixe of the clock in the morning , helpe him in the said office . And principally this Rakebains attended him more then any of the rest , to whom in respect of his diligence he had promised the square end of a great taper , at the laying vp of the lights : which when Dobson was shutting of the cubboord , as séeming to haue forgot his promise Raikebaines demaunded . Dobson intending to intrappe him , threw it to the further end of the cupboord , so farre , that it was not possible to reach to it , vnlesse that one of them should créepe in , which Raikebaines offered to doe , rather than that he would want the commoditie of the candle , and so presently skipped into the candle cupboord , to fetch away the Taper : but Dobson lockt fast the doores and departed thense to the schools , leauing Raikebaines to play the Cat , and warrant his tapers from the tyranny of the Rattes , where he sate shut vp howling and crying , from halfe houre past sixe , vntill almost tenne in the sorenoone , at which time sir Thomas and other the Canons came to put vpon them their Surplises , in which ordinarily they soong their Seruice , and which , for readinesse sake , they kept continually lying in presses there .

Raikebaines hearing the sound of voyces , and the noyse of mens feete , cried forth so lowde as he could , to the great admiration of sir Thomas , and the residue of the Cannonists , who speaking in at the key hole , asked who it shuld be that was in his candle-cupboord , It is I , quoth Raikebaines . And who are you said sir Thomas ? Iames Raikebains replied he . Alas quoth sir Thomas , how camest thou into that place ? and how long hast thou sit there ? Euer since halfe an houre after sixe this morning aunswered Raikebaines , and your nephew Dobson shut me heere , because I went into the cupboord to fetch forth the end of a taper which himselfe had promised to bestow vpon me , for helping him to gather and extinguish the lights after praier . Sir Thomas pittying the poore boy , almost starued with cold and hunger , went to seeke for his nephew Dobson in the Schooles to set Raikebaines at liberty , threatning to punish him for his mis-vsage . But Dobson excused himselfe , and said that Raikebains icapt into the cupboord contrary to his will , and swore that he would not come from thence , vnlesse that he had a whole candle which hée had espied in the furthest corner , which I neither would , neither durst doe without your consent , and therefore did I thinke it very fit that he should abide your comming , and now it is in your choice to bestow vpon him , or not , and therewith vnlocking the doores , séely Raikebaines was scarcely able to crawle foorth , his ioynts were so stiffened and benummed with cold . Sir Thomas somewhat to ease his extreamities bestowed vpon him a couple of candles , and liberally rewarded Dobson with a bobbe vppon the mouth , insomuch as the blood followed his fist , and that done , attiring himselfe in his roabes , he went forward to doe his seruice in the Chauncell , leauing Dobson and Raikebaines further to decide the case betwixt themselues at the candle cupboord .

How Dobson reuenged himselfe vpon his vncle . Chap. 6.

DObson was much discontented for the blow giuen vnto him by his vncle , yet considering how well hee had deserued the same , in regard of the iniurie done to his frend , he reconciled himselfe again to Raikebans , with promise , that if hee would forgette that discurtesie , he neuer more would wrong , iniurie , or disgrace him , but patronize his cause against all opponants of what sort soeuer , in which he kept touch with him as by the vsage of sir William the Vsher appeared . Raikebanes being of a gentle and good nature easily pardoned the offence , and ioyning hands , they protested to continue perfit Friends each to other during their liues , and so returned to the Schoole wel satisfied , where Dobson sate all the day oppressd with melancholy , casting his thoghts vp and downe , how to come cleare with his Vncle , but hée could not apprehend any occasion in the worlde as then : yet gaue hée not ouer to exspect , or vrge some fit opportunitie of reuenge , and after diuerse purposes which missed him , in the end he thus resolued . At the Vncle of S. Giles , his Vncle had a very faire Orchard , in which euery yéere he had growing great abundance of goodly and pleasant fruites , for which he was so careful , that alwayes nigh vnto the time of their ripening , he hired sometimes one , sometimes two fellows to watch his Orchards in the night season , and to defend his fruits from stealing . Dobson hauing a goodwill to ease his stomake vpon his Vncle , agréed with certaine of his merry acquaintances , one night in Apple-time to enter the Orchard , and from thence to conueigh such fruite as possibly they were able to beare , promising to assist them himselfe , intreating them if they were molested , to beate well and soundly the Kéepers thereof , and to vse his Vncle as he would deuise , if he came to their succours : him ( saith hée ) when you haue gagged , and bound the two Kéepers so surely that they cannot mooue , or doe you any incombrance , I would haue you to put into a sacke , binding first his handes and féete , and permitting onely his head to appeare lest he should be smootherd , gagging him likewise lest he cry , and be redéemed of his neighbours , then in some place of the orchard where the trées be thickest , I wish to haue him trussed vp by the héeles , where let him hang till he waxe more tender , for he is old and too tough for the spit : And for my selfe , I purpose that time to be absent from the house , because you shall not bée hindred by me , nor interrapted : but be sure that you binde not my Vncle too hard , neither yet giue any great blowes , but with as much facilitie as you can , binde as I haue instrncted you , wherein , if you shall accomplish my desire , I shall thinke my selfe both bounden vnto you for helping me so be reuenged , and also I shal be willing to repay your kindnes , when any occasion thereof is ministred .

They willed him to take no further thought , than only to deuise a meane for his owne absenting , and they would performe all the rest as he had directed , the next Wednesday night insuing . Dobson thanked them , and vpon Wednesday hée entreated his Vncle to licence him to go sée his father and other friends in the country : For Vncle ( saith hee ) I haue not béene there nowe the space of these tenne yeeres , and I am very desirous to visite them , and for two dayes to be merry amongst them , vnto which his desire , his vncle condescended : and Dobson ( séeming to him to go to his father ) passed no further then into the Towne , to forward these fellows in the execution of their intended stratageme , he went therefore first vnto a Carpenters shop , and caused a horse of wood to be made , with a sword , dagger , and distaffe of the same , all the which he gotte planted in a gorgeous manner , and bringing them to his companions vppon wednesday at night ; hée goeth with them to the vtter side of the Orchyard , where taking downe two pale boordes , which hée before had loosened , they made themselues a way to enter . They , so soone as they were within , begaune to lay a good amongst the Apple trées , making a great rushing and noyse , of purpose : the kéepers came to know their intents , and to bring them before sir Thomas , but the conflict was vnequall , for they were fire against twoo : yet being sturdy fellowes , of a good stomacke , and standing vpon the iustnesse of their quarrell , encountred them all very lustily , vntill the one of them was beaten downe to the ground , and the other being ouermatched , fledde into the Vicarage , and tolde sir Thomas how the case did stand . At the hearing whereof , hée arose in great haste , calling vp also his house-kéeper , willing her to follow after him with the broach , and to kill the first with whom shée incountred : for , saith he , this nights worke shall bée memorable in Dunholme , while there is one stone thereof standing . And fearing lest he should not be well happed with blowes , casting his gowne loosely about his shoulders , foorth hée marched , and the olde beldame his sister with a broach , and the kéeper of the Orchard with a portigan . But while sir Thomas was making himselfe ready for the fight within , the théeues had chained the other fellow whome before they had beaten downe , and also had gagged him so well , that he could not cry , and were exspecting close by the doores , when sir Thomas wold sally foorth , they tripped his héeles at vnawares , béeing néerer at hand than hée looked for , and muffled him in his gowne , vntill they had made him ready for the sacke : Then taking his gowne they put it vppon his sister , and tying her handes behinde her , they set her vpon the wooden horse , as Dobson had prescribed , and bound her téete vnder his belly , which doone , they girde her about with the painted sword and dagger , setting vpon hir head a paper hatte with a bush of peacocke feathers eaualiere like , ready to chalenge euery man to the combate , and in this gnise they placed her vnder a peare srée . Sir Thomas did they thrust into a sacke , and by his nephews aduise , who fearing that so long hanging by the héetes , as til the next morrow , might procure him some infirmity , they reared him into the same peare trée aboue his sister , and making for him a chaire of estate of the boughes , they bound in the one haud the distaffe , and in his other , a skimmerand spreading his armes , they fastned him by the wrests vnto the braunches that were next him . While some of them were thus in hand with sir Thomas , and his house-keeper , the other tooke the twowarders , and bound and gagged them as is aforesaide : they fastned their handes about a appletrée , turning their hose down beneath their knées , so as their buttocks were set naked to the trée , fastning them to the truncke below . Besides the gagges , they putte into either of their mouthes , a bunch of Maie , and a pricking Thorne : and before them they heaped a bundle of bauine , and other drie wood in forme of a fire , and the broach hung full of apples as it were to be rosted . Then taking so much fruit as them liked , they departed home , leauing sir Thomas and his seruitours to kéepe the watch .

Dobson very timely in the morning repaired to the vicarage , and knowing his vncles necessitie , hée passed thorow the house into the orchard , to take a view of his deuises : and when he came vnto the peare trée wherein his vncle was inthronized , he called vppe to him , in sorrowfull manner wringing his handes , and as it would be , wrested foorth some small number of teares . But his vncle sate as a man who had perisht the vse of his tong , for speake he could not , in regarde of his gagge , neyther could he mooue , or make any signe , they had so streightned all his ioynts . His Aunt also buckled vpon her prancing courser in martiall manner , like Bellona goddesse of battell , sate dareing Mars and all his chiualrie : and the two kéepers in their disguises , like Tantalus , stoode gaping , as though they would haue catcht the apples off from the broach , but could not reach them . Dobson to perswade his vncle that he was ignorant of this practise , ranne howling vp and downe the orchard , as it were , affrighted with this lamentable sight , and from thence into the stréetes , calling the neighbours all about to come to his assistance . The people vpon his outery flocked in heapes into the orchard , to sée what the matter was , much lamenting sir Thomas his euill chaunce , the rather , for that it was done so priuately , as that they had no intelligence , either to haue preuented , or to haue redressed his wrongs . But it was no time then to debate the matter , his present case required more their helping handes , to vnbinde him , than their aduise how an other time to preuent the like misfortune : So some bringing a ladder , scaled vp the tree where he sa●e , and vnbinding his armes , they brought him downe so tenderly as they could in blankets , fearing , because he could not speake , that with extreamity of colde , hée was fallen into some sowning palsie : and being in some hope , that by warmnesse hee might be brought to his senses againe , they carried him into the house , and placed him in his bed , foorth of the which he stirred not for the space of thrée daies , neither all that time could he speake one word , either receiue any meate , but onely such liquide sirropes as his kéeper powred into him with spoones : The Phisitions were in some doubt of his recouery of health , for which Dobson was vnfainedly sorrowfull , and repented that euer hée deuised such a stratageme . His Awnt was sicke for a tweluemoneth after : But the two yong fellowes whose spirites were more quicke and liuely , after they had bin set before the fire , and lapped well in warme clothes , beganne to recouer themselues . And as they perceiued their tongues able to mooue , they vnfolded all the case as if came to passe . The neighbours very pensiue for their Curates mischaunce , diligently attended about him , till hée was able to doe for himselfe . And Dobson sent for his mother , to take charge of the house , during the time of his infirmity . But sir Thomas , whether that he merrily conceiued , or otherwise was certainely informed , that Dobson was the plotter of this deuise in all after times , tooke such exceptions against him , as that no action of his was gratefull or acceptable in his sight , where at Dobson more storming than before , as opportunitie sorted to his designements , hée repayed all his vncles discountenances with measurable disgraces ; yet keeping a more moderate course , and giuing respect that hée did no more hazard his vncles life and welfare .

How Dobson caused his vncles horse to be impownded , because he denied to let him goe with him into the Countrey . Chap. 7.

WHen sir Thomas was perfitly recouerd of his agew , hee was inuited by diuerse of his friends into the countrey , to passe awaie some parte of the summer , perswading him that the fresh aire was both comfortable and wholesome after his so long sickenesse : and it was about the Whitsontide , when the country people hauing affections to be merry , Dobson requested his vnckle to graunt him leaue to accompany him , and to stéede him in place of a seruingman : but sir Thomas thinking it a thing inconuenient , to committe the whole care of his house to his sister alone , who was an olde decrepite creature , not able to mooue herselfe without a staffe , much lesse vnfitte to make resistance , if any knowing their absence should breake into the house , and offer to spoyle him of his stuffe and treasure . Againe , he supposed Dobson made such request , onely to neglect and commit some knauery there , whereby to make himselfe as famous in the countrey , as he was memorable in the citty . And therefore these particulars considered , he denied to let him haue his desire . Dobson said nothing , but shewed himselfe well appeased , yet he intended to abridge his vncle as much of his pleasure as he had done him of his . And at the very time his vncle was to set forward with his progresse , one of those good fellowes , who had fauoured him in the breaking of the Orchard , was sent for into Northumberland to his mother , who lay at the poynt of death , and desired to speake with him before she passed this life . And hée both loath to take so great a iourney on foote , and not hauing a horse of his owne , could not tell how ( so presently ) to spéede himselfe of one , as these his importunities and haste required ; he acquainted Dobson with his want , and intreated him amongst his friends , for that time , to further him , and he would pleasure him as much , if so his arrand came in his way . Dobson told him , that in the towne ( vpon so short warning ) he could not procure him any , vnlesse , quoth he , I might make bolde with my vnckles gelding , which if thou couldst returne before to morrow morning , I could then supply thy necessity , and otherwise I should disappoint himselfe , for he is to ride into the countrey , to take the ayre after his long sickenes , and to feast it amongst his friendes . O good Dobson , said his acquaintance , hazard alittle to pleasure me , and in any thing thou shalt commaund me , though the execution therof should stand with the expence of my blood and life , yet will I not refuse to aduenture for thy life , fame , and reputation : for if my mother should be departed before my comming , I shall be vtterly vndone , and great is the losse that may redound to me thereby . To morrow at night , at the vtmost , I will send him backe , and if so long he will not deferre his iourney : He is not of such slender acquaintaunce , neither so ill be●oued , but that he may haue choice amongst his parishioners and neighbours .

Dobson of all other things detesting ingratitude , and not to seeme vnmindefull of pleasures receiued , or carelesse in requitall of good offices , willd him to prouide him selfe of furniture requisite , and he promised to affoorde him a horse foorthwith , conditionally that whensoeuer thou bringest him backe , thou shalt leaue him somwhere in the pownd within three miles of the Citty , charging the Pinder to proclaime the next market day , that so my vnckle may come to heare of h●m againe : and will him also to take , not onely an ordinary fee , but also for his pasture for so many dayes as thou hast him in trauell , and so if thou wilt stay a wéeke ▪ I shall licence thee . His friend much , and heartily thanked him , protesting neuer to faile in whatsoeuer he could , by any of his endeauours to do him benefit , and receiuing the gelding at the place appointed betwixt them , held on his iourney with a gladsome chéere for this fauour of his friend , and left sir Thomas , eyther to borrow vpon his neighbours , or to stay at home , or like a stowt fellow to steppe vppon his stumpes . The same night after supper was ended , sir Thomas willed Dobson to warne his tenaunt that looked to his saide gelding , and such other beasts as he had grazing a mile distant from the towne , to take him into the stables that night , to the end hée might haue him in readinesse to be gone betimes the next morning , for he purposed to dine tenne miles from the Citty . Dobson went presently and deliuered his message , and sent the fellowe to the fieldes , who sought him all that night , and the next day , in euery pasture , field , and towne within fiue miles circuite , but could heare nothing of the horse . Sir Thomas wéening him as ready now as at other times , got him to bedde that night somewhat soone , to the end hée might be stirring more earely the next morrow : in which so soone as the day appéered , he arose and made himselfe fitte for his iourney , he put on his holiday apparrell , his bootes and spurres , called for his breakefast , and neuer asked for his horse , vntill he had ordered all things in the house , desiring his sister friendly to entertaine all such his neighbours and acquaintaunces as should come to visite her during his tarriance in the Country : charging Dobson to be dilligent in the accomplishment of all her commaundements , and to abstaine from all kinde of disorders till his returne , to giue good respect to all thinges about the house , and at his chamber in the Fratery : and so kissing his sister for a farewell ( after the maner of the Countrey ) he willed Dobson to bring him his horse to the doores . Dobson returning from the stables , came and tolde his vncle , that his man had not brought him as yet from the fieldes , as hée supposed , for vppon hookes were hanging his bridle and saddle , but he could sée no horse . Sir Thomas chafed at the fellow his tenaunt , and sent Dobson to his house to know the cause why he was not yet come . The wife tolde him that she had not séene him since his being there , when hée without further delay went to fetch him : and because hée came not home to his bed , I iudged my Maister had sent him abroade for the dispatch of some other of his businesses , so that if hee be not with you , for my life I cannot certifie what is becom of him . Dobson carried backe her answer ; which answer sir Thomas hearing , hée knew not what to imagine , but strait hée imagined his horse to be stolne , and so affirmd . O God forbid , said Dobson , my hope is , that he is onely strayed forth into some of our neighbors grounds , or else is some where in the pownd . If so , saide his vncle , then the fellow would haue got some notice of him before this time : and so perhappes , good vncle , he will be héere with him shortly . In which hope sir Thomas kept on his boots all that day till night , when home came the fellow without the horse , neyther could tell any newes of him . ●ir Thomas feared he had béene stolne , and for the very sorrow thereof , he stayed his iourny for that time , and sent his man to euery coast of the Countrey , to inquire after him : but all his labour was in vaine , vntill the returne of the party , to whome Dobson had lent him , who obseruing Dobsons prescript , left him in the pownd , at Chester in the stréete , charging the Pindar to take his accustomed fées , and for a wéekes pasture more , when hée should be sent for by the owner . The Pindar very glad of so good a pledge , caused proclamation to be made in Dunholme the next morrow after that hee was left with him . Some one of his neighbors that was present thereat , gaue sir Thomas to vnderstand thereof , who by the description knew him to be his . He sent for him immediately , and gaue the Pindar his whole demaund with all his heart , reioycing to haue got his gelding againe ; which he verily supposed had bin stolne .

How Dobson brewed Ale for his vncle . Chap. 8.

DObson yet hardly brooking his vncles discurtesie , and perceiuing him to be dayly , estraunged , hauing got the reines into his hands , did grow carelesie more liberally runne at large , and neuer tooke vppe with himselfe , vntill hée had thrust his necke into the halter , when if his vncle had not stood his very good friend , he had bid his kinsefolkes al adew with his héeles , and had daunced his last measures vpon the gallowes : but fearing no such matter as then , neither imagining to be so much néedfull of his kindnesse , he spared not to play the foole with him , who afterward prooued his best friend : neither did he thinke himselfe sufficiently satisfied with the abuse he had already offered , but euer as he could catch an accurrence to doe him further griefe , he put to execution the same forthwith . His vncle to recompence his neighbours carefull respect of him in his sicknesse , inuited them to a Friday nights drinking , letting them to vnderstand , that whereas they were sory for his late misfortune , as wel appeared by their care and paines taken about him during the time of his infirmity , which their gratitude and kindnesse commixt with compassion , though he were not of power in equall measure able to satisfie , & according to their well deseruings , yet his willingnesse should neuer be wanting , to affoord so much as his estate and abilitie permitted : and therefore praying them to pardon his insufficiencie , and to accept of his good will , he wished he might be so bold as to intreat them to take a cup of Ale with him , and an apple , the Friday at night following , which he promised should be of the best to be had in Dunholme . They excusing their negligence , told him they were ashamed that they did no better stéed him , when his necessitie so required , but they could do no more but sorrow for their defect : and for such troublesome guests as they should be , they told him that he néeded not to feare to want ▪ He greatly contented with the gratefull acceptance of his simple offer , bespoke his Hostesse to send to his chamber halfe a dozen gallons of her best Ale , which she did according to his appointment . He further commaunded his house-kéeper to bestow it in some safe place , where none might haue accesse to trouble it , vntill it were cléere and fined : which she did ( as she imagined ) yet Dobson had a shift to deceiue her , aswell as to set his vncles geldings in the fold . So , vpon the Thursday at afternoone before his vncles guests were to come , he and his fellow schollers hauing libertie to dispend the day at their choyce , & were dismissed of al schoole exercises , he willing to make them a banquet , carried such as he specially fauoured with him to the Vicarage , where preuenting his vncles guests , he made the most part of them drunke as Rats . When he had placed them all so néere to the house as hée thought conuenient , he came to his Aunt , and told her that Sir Thomas was come to the Church , to sée if the Organs were in tune , for the next Sunday they were to be vsed : and because he would not altogether rely on his owne iudgement therein , he had brought with him halfe a dozen of his familiars , to help to reforme them , if néed so required , to whom , in regard of their paines , he had promised a cup of his Ale ; and therefore willed her to tappe it , and to send him a Jacke thereof to the Church . She beléeuing this his tale to be true , gaue to him the key of the house where it was kept , desiring him to broach it , in respect her sight was so imperfect , that she could not well discerne what she did . Dobson glad of his commission , extended this authority , plaid the bountifull Butler , and did draw forth into tankards ( which he of purpose had prouided ) more then halfe his vncles Ale : yet because he was loath that his vncle should want of his measure , he filled vp the barrell with water which he found there standing in pailes : and surrendring againe the key to the custody of his Aunt , away he went ( as she wéened ) to the Church to his Vncle , but in very déed he returned to his companions , where he had left them shooting in the meadowes , who laughing at Dobsons deceiuing of his Aunt , drunke healthes soliberally one to another , as not one of them was able to goe home , but as Dobson conducted them . The next night ensuing the guests came according to their promise , whom Sir Thomas welcomed with many faire and curteous speeches , much thanking them , that they would vouchsafe to assemble to his poore lodging , and accept of such a poore pittance as he had prouided , which he said was a roasted apple and a cup of Ale , which I dare pawne you my word is the best in Dunholme : and while the apples were at the fire , he willed his house-kéeper to fill a glasse thereof , that they might taste it , and suspend their verdicts how they liked it : his very conceit serued to make it good enough in his iudgement , so that when he tasted , he could not perceiue the commixture : but commending it for singular good , gaue it to him who sate next , willing him to drinke well thereof , for he was very welcome to it : but he espying it pale in the glasse , feared that it was not such as Sir Thomas commended it to be , yet notwithstanding he kiked the cup , and reached to another , and so it went through them all , and yet the better halfe remained vndrunke .

Sir . Thomas maruelling to see them leaue so little in the glasse , asked them how they liked the same , for it séemeth by your drinking that it is not such as you looked for : indéed ( said they ) it might be made good againe , with brewing ouer againe , but we haue drunke much better in our liues than it is now , and seldome worse . Wherevpon sir Thomas halfe ashamed so rashly to haue praised it , and in great chaife against his Hostesse , tooke the glasse and tasted it againe , an● drinking the remainder hée swore , that it was more than halfe water , and asked his house-keeper how it came to passe ▪ what ( saith shée ) doe you mislike it now , and could finde no sault with it yesterday ? was it good then , and naughty to night ? Yesterday ( said he ) I neuer tasted it before this present , and how could I then giue iudgement of the good or bad qualitie thereof ? No , ( said his sister ) did not you send our nephew to me yesterday , with commandement to broach it , and to send you a tankard of the same to the Church ? neuer I ( quoth sir Thomas ) in all my life : why then ( said she ) he hath deceiued me , for such message hee brought , and I trusted him and let him to take what he would ; for he assured me , that it was for your selfe , and your friends with you . Dobson hearing this sedule of his Aunt , stole foorth into a place where the Hens sit vpon a fleake , whither he ascended , pulling vp the ladder after him , that no man could come to him but by his permission : his Vncle vpon this relation of his sister , called and sought for Dobson in euery corner of the house , but hée would make no answere ; vntill at the last sir Thomas hearing a rushing vpon the fleake , espied his cock sitting amongst his hens : and after he had thundred foorth some threatning speeches , he commanded him to discend , not so ( good Vncle , saith he ) vnlesse you will first sweare that you will pardon me , I telling you the truth of the matter , and otherwise , rather than I will sustaine your rigorous punishment , I will throw my selfe head-long from hence , and will take it vpon my death , that the very feare of your seueritie hath vrged me so to doe , answere you the lawe as you can . The neighbors intreated sir Thomas to remit to him that fault , and to be pacified , offering all to passe their words , that he should neuer more in such sort offend him : he afraid that the violent fellow would do himselfe some iniurie , at their important suites pardoned him , vpon condition that he would bewray the truth , which hée did , and came downe from the fleake , and to make his Vncle , some kind of satisfaction , he went into the towne and fetcht some better Ale , wherewithall hée intended to entertaine his honest friendes , and louing neighbours all .

How Dobson furnished himselfe of a sute of apparrell : and how he vsed his Schoole-fellow . Chap. 9.

SIR Thomas , notwithstanding that he pardoned his nephew at the instance of his neighbours , and accepted of his submission for the time , yet seeing him to grow so absolute in knauery , he purposed to hold his nose to the grindstone , and to keepe him at hard meat , he spared his purse , and made him go thinly apparelled , and scarcely sometimes did he allow whole cloathes , but forced him to weare his old rags for want of newe , till they hung in totters about his taile . But Dobson to remedie this necessity , enrolled his vncles name in the Drapers booke , for a sute and a cloake , which his vncle was constrained to discharge for his credite sake . But to preuent him of that meane , he went thorow the Citty amongest all the Clothiers and Millioners , warning them no further to credite him , vnlesse hee bought it with ready mony , the which he shall alwayes haue , if he be sent from me : and whosoeuer shall let him haue any vpon credite , must be glad to stand to his owne perill , for i le not be answerable for any halfe-penny thereof from hence forward . The marchants thereupon would no more register Dobsons name , not so much as for a paire of garters , which putte him ( poore man ) into great discontent , and what shift to make for garments , when these were gone , hée could not deuise : to aske for any of his vncle hée dared not , and hée was debarred of his former proiect , by the which he supposed to haue euer , as he had néeded , to supply that indigence . He must then take some other course , and for once hée fell to stealing , taking away a song made by one of his fellowes , which for the exquisite musicke therein shewed , was highly commended of the whole Quéere . This he purloyning carried into the Country to his vncle Pharoes houle , who had diuers sonnes and daughters that could sing , of whose knowledge in that Arre his vncle was not a little prowd . Dobson therefore to applaud his vncles humor , presented him this Song , telling him how himselfe had made the same : and he , because it was well liked of , and allowed for good consort , that hée thought it no where better bestowed than vppon my coosins your daughters . Maister Pharoe thanked him , and promised to recompence his good will : But first hée called his daughters to sing it ouer , who with their swéete and tuneable voyces much mooued their fathers affection ; themselues also were so much in loue with the descant , that they requested onely to haue it set in their bookes : but Dobson more liberall then they looked to haue found him , fréely bestowed it among them , with this applause ; Good coosins , if this be pleasing vnto you , I will affoord you héereafter more plenty of better stuffe , this is but the simple inuention of my owne rude braine , and not worthy of halfe this commendation : but such as it is , yours it is with all my heart , and I thinke my selfe in your debt for your kinde acceptance thereof . His cousins thanked him againe , and beséeched their father to be bounteous towards him . He to satisfie Dobsons exspectation , and to gratifie his daughters request , clothed his kinsman Dobson in a new suite , whereof hée being heartily glad , didde professe to his vncle and coosins to be alwayes at their commaund and seruice , and so returned to Dunholme in that case , where hée kept as much swaggering as before .

His vncle sir Thomas maruelled whence he had such a gallant sute , and who had beene so liberall toward him , desired to be informed . It is no matter , saide Dobson , ( good vncle ) since that now I haue them , you may coniecture that I haue compassed them by my wittes , and if you thinke I haue not got them by begging , imagine they are stolne . Sir Thomas thinking it fitte no further to vrge him , suffered the matter to passe without anie further question . At the same instant , a yoong Gentleman , a fellow scholler of his , had a new suite of the same colour and cloth , and hée was of equall make and stature with Dobson , and their backes being towardes the beholders , it was a difficulty to discerne the one from the other , wherewith Dobson was not well content to be chalenged so often for his fellow . To giue the people some speciall note therefore how to distinguish them , he vsed this meane : In the schoole was a great flintie stone , vpon which in the winter time this yong Gentleman was accustomed to sit before the fire : this stone one morning while the other was exercis●d in writing , and gaue no respect vnto what was pr●aised , Dobson caused to be made extreame hote , and pretending to haue some matter of importaunce to impart to the Gentleman , he called him to the fire , and made the stone ready for him to sit vpon , who neither fearing nor thinking of any kind of harme , satchimselfe downe as he was woont , to discourse with Dobson , who propounded a number of extrauagant questions where with to occupy his minde , and whereby to expel from his memorie , all occasions or motiues of rising from his seate , till anone the boy felt an extraordinary heate in his buttockes , yet he sate still , while strait he perceiued that they were ready to broyle , at the which he started vppe halfe astonished , and putting his hand behinde him , to féele if his breeches were not fired : and hée perceiued the greatest parte of them to be burned forth , and a great open to passe thorow cloth , linings , and shert , euen to his naked skinne . The Boy quaked and trembled , being sore amazd with the chance , as not conceiuing how it came to passe . Dobson and his complices sported themselues at the boyes mis hap , and the most of Dobsons familiars in the Towne , to whome notice was giuen thereof , made themselues merry with the boy as hée passed before them in the stréetes , from the Schoole to his Innes , and he was glad to get a patch set vppon the broken place , by which , euer after , hée was knowne from Dobson .

¶ How Dobson tooke vpon him a Gentlemans estate : and how he caused the Ale-wife of Wittan to come before the Commissarie . Chap. 10

IT hath bin a custome of olde , and is yet to this day in the Schooles of Dunholme , for thrée Schollers euery Satterday to be marshaled forth to the woods in the countrey , to prouide birchen roddes for the correction of the disordred and negligent : and obseruing a certaine order therein , it passed quite thorow the whole number of schollers euery halfe yeare . Once Dobson in the winter season , when the weather in those parts is commonly stormy , and the ayre piercing , had alwayes a shift to thrust another forward , and to kéepe himselfe at home : mary in summer , when it séemed a healthfull recreation , it pleased him to kéepe his owne turne and others too , in liew of the paines they had taken for him in the colder time of the yeare . Concerning then a desire to notifie his fame among the countrey men and swaines of the villages , one time when he was appointed in the hinder end of the month of Maie , to accompany Rakebaine and Talifere to the birch woods , he decréed with them to commit some famous ieast , for which to make himselfe memorable . In Witton Iilbert , for thither they were to go for such rubbish as they wanted , and conferring with them of the matter vpon the Friday at night before , they concluded , that he should take vpon him the state of a Gentleman , and that they two should attend him as seruitors , and respectiuely reuerence him as their Maister : determining further , that they would banquet with some good wife for a messe of creame before they returned ; & so examining their purses , their whole stock amounted but to onely thrée pence , which they thought was a great deale too little , and far insufficient to discharge their shot , they hauing an intention to spend royally . But Dobson to animate them forward , willed them to referre the matter to himselfe , and they should sée that he would take such course , as that he would make it serue wel enough with the helpe of his countenance : Therefore Iames ( saith he ) thou must affoord me thy best sute of apparell , thy cloke and rapyer , to attire me withall , that there may be some difference , and that the people may more easily conceiue my gentilitie : and for you , I will borrow two liueries , and two swords , and sée that you play the seruingmen in forme . When I call or speake to you , forget not to stand with your heads vncouered : or if I stand to pisse , you must also stand bare at my backe , after our English fashion . You must worship , and good worshippe me at euery word : to wit , you must take occasion to informe me of somewhat to be done , and then you must frame your spéech in this forme : And it please your good Worship , your Worships Father willed me to put you in mind of a spéedy returne , desiring your Worshippe to remember his businesse , &c. And if any aske you what I am , you shall aunswere , that I am sonne to Maister Chauncellor of Dunholme . And be careful , that in no phrase of spéech , gesture or cariage , that you shew your selues familiar , but attend me with all submission and reuerence . And you executing these instructions , shall sée that I will procure vs indeleable respect amongst the vulgar sort , and all the townes and villages néere about , shal haue cause to speake of Master Chauncellors sonne and his men . And hauing thus receiued their lesson , away they go the Saturday morning toward Witton Iilbert , Dobson in Rakebaines apparel , cloke and rapyer , and his companions in such old liueries as he had borrowed amongst the Prebends , with two il fauoured swords girt to their sides . As they passed along they were met by many multitudes of market folkes , whom that Dobson might stirre them to conceiue of his gentilitie , tooke many occasions to talke with his men : sometimes he would stand still , other sometimes he would hold forth right , at other times also he would suddenly turne him about , at euery which occasion they capped and knéeled in humble and debonaire maner : diuers simple people wondered who it should be : some said certainely he is sonne to some great personage , and hath béene brought vp in ciuill places , for in all our liues wée haue not seene a man so much reuerenced by his seruants . Others beholding the cariage of his attendants , at their méeting of him , would also cap , knéele , and bid good morrow to his Worship : and this course of complements they continued from Dunholme , while they came to Witton , which by computation is foure miles . When hée came into the towne , hée asked where he might haue same victuals sor himselfe and his men : An Alehouse was presently shewed vnto him , into which he entred , called to the goodwife to make a breakefast ready for him and his men : shée demaunded what it would please his good Worshippe to haue prepared : He answered , that he would haue some new cakes , creame , butter , and such other things as she could affoord : all which she set vpon the table before him incontinent . Master Chauncellors sonne and his men fell to their victuals afresh , their stomackes were pretty good , and they quickly made rid of this prouision , and asked their Hostesse what they had to pay : two pence a man ( said she ) and your Worship is hartily welcome . Alas good woman , that is but sixe pence in the whole : No more , and it please your Worship will I haue at this time for so slender fare ( said the good wife : ) Why then ( said Master Dobson ) turne the cloath againe , we will make her amends : so hée called for more Ale , which she brought of a nut browne colour , as good as needed to be drunke , with great store of new cakes , creame , and custard , chéese also with apples and nuts , she placed on the table againe : of all which they tooke so much as they thought good , and willed her to remoue the residue : then they desired againe to know their shot for altogether : she told them , that for the whole they must pay twenty pence . What , said Master Dobson , ( hauing but thrée pence to defray all ) was it now but sixe pence , and wilt thou make this last , being much worse , trebble the first ? Nay gogs heart , I will teach thée a tricke for that . Good sir ( said the woman ) I cannot well haue lesse , if I should be a sauer by you , and I trust you do not wish my losse . No ( saith Maister Dobsen ) neither yet shalt thou make a foole of me and so cousin mée . But I pray tell me one thing , haue you a licence to keepe an alehouse ? Yea sir that I haue , and vnder master chauncellours owne hand and seale : Why and he is my father , saide M. Dobson : but séeing thou hast no better a conscience than thus to extort men , I will haue it disallowed , and therefore I doe charge thée , as thou wilt answer the contrary , at thy perill , that vppon Friday next thou make thy apparance before my father in the Chauncery , where I will sée how thou canst answer this irreligious dealing , and also haue thy licence surueyed , that if there can be any aduantage at all taken thereat , I will haue it defaced , and thy selfe punished , as thou doost deserue . The poore woman starued with feare vppon this hard sentence pronounced , fell prostrate at his feete , beséeching him to pardon her , for that shee had not vsed him as his worshipfull calling required : but the fault was in her ignorance of his person and woorth . She also prayed him to be fauourable vnto her , and to take compassion of her miserable estate , for shee was mother of fiue small children , and had not where with all for to maintaine them , besides that poore trade , and her husbandes handy labour , and for that shotte shée was content with all her very heart to remitte it , and that hée should commaund , not onely then , but at all other times , whatsoeuer was within her poore house that in any respect might doe him pleasure . Well ( saicty hée ) I scorne to offer iniurie , to either thée , or to any of my inferiours : but , as I will not harme them , so they shall not abuse me . And as for the shot I will defray it euerie farthing : but faile not thou to come before my father , as I haue prescribed , when I will haue you better instructed what appertaineth to your trade , than I coniecture you doe vnderstand . And so goe fill your shotte pot , and you shall haue your money . The goodwife quaking euery bone , went to her caller for more ale , but in the meane time Maister Chauncellours sonne leauing onely thrée pence vpon the Table for the whole discharge , conueyed himselfe and his men forth of the house , and closely stole into the woods , where euery man loading himselfe with burch , in the éeuening they returned to the citty by a secret and priuate passage . The goodwife , after they were gone , was forced to content her selfe with what they had left , not knowing how to recouer the residue : and carefull shée remained all the wéeke after , for her appearaunce to be made before Master Chauncellour . She related to her husband at night what accident shée had that morning , his feare was double hers , and hée chafed and chid her apace , and had wel-nie beaten her , for demaunding so much , and for that shée had no better respected him : for now ( saith he ) hast thou , through thy couetousnesse , vndone vs all for euer : for if thy licence be taken from thée , as by likelihoode it must néedes , we may all goe begge , and so daunted was hée with the newes that hée could not tell how to aduise her . But going to the Church the morrow after , he asked Maister Vicar and all his neighbours counsell , desiring them to direct him what was best to be done in this matter . They , to sée their neighbour in such a difficulty , laide their heades together , and concluded , that his wife should goe and let her licence be séene , and that shée also should make rehersall of all that which had passed betwixt her and them , omitting no circumstance . And wée ( saide they ) will all ioyne in petition to Maister Chauncellour , to permit her to prastise her trade , which petition Maister Vicar presently framed , and they confirmed , by subscribing thereto their names , and deliuering it to their neighbor . And that they might bring into some comfort whome they sée cleane out of heart with the feares he conceiued héerevpon , they chéered him with many faire spéeches , promising , that he should not fall , if their helps could sustaine or proppe him vppe . After dinner , the better to incorage him , they all came to drinke at his house , and to repaire the domage which she his wife had receiued by Maister Dobson . And so plentifully maister Vicar , and the good-fellowes of his parish tooke their cuppes , that not a man amongest them , but that hee receiued a wound in his head , and for Maister vicar , he was not able for that night reade his Seruice , but perceiuing himselfe hurt , he requested his hostesse to fit him of a bed , for that night , whereunto shée most willingly assented . But this rested vntill friday morning , when vp arose the Ale-wife betimes , put on her fairest smocke , peticoate of good broad red , her gowne of grey , faced with buckeram , her square thrumd hatte , and before her shée hung a cleane white apron , and putting her petition into the boxe , with her licence , shée takes her way to Dunholme , there to attend her calling in , to answer before Maister Chauncellour , but there shée stayed all the fore noone , exspecting when Maister Dobson would bring her to hir appearance , much maruelling that no man did acknowledge her , neyther question with her as concerning her businesse . Shée had speciall care to espie Maister Chauncellours sonne in the throng , and not able to fixe her eies vpon him , she supposed that he was not accustomed to come abroad so early , albeit she attended there before the Chauncery office doore , from halfe an houre past seauen in the morning , vntill almost twelue , when the Court rose and went to dinner : shée earnestly desired to haue a dispatch , but how to effect her desire she could not deuise , for she was vnknowne to all , and they in like sort were all straungers to her , and Maister Dobson had forgotten the strict charge he imposed vpon her the satterday afore-going , neyther sought he to exhibite any Bill of Complaint against her . She séeing no person to respect her , albeit shée was in a laborinth of conceits , sometimes of retiring , otherwhile of staying til shée might sée the vttermost : she also thoght it conuenient to take a little meate in the Towne at a kinsmans house of hers there dwelling , to whome she reuealed her whole case , and requested his counsell : Hée thought it fitte that she should attend alittle further , to see if she were inquired after , which if you be not coosin ( saide he ) I wil make meanes my selfe to Maister Chancellour that you may be dispatched and so depart home . At one of the clocke when the Court was to sit againe , he came along with her toward the Chauncery . Maister Dobson sitting in an olde fréeze gowne before the north gate of the Cathedrall , espied his Hostesse , and remembring himselfe , that it was friday , imagined , without further discourse , the cause of her being there : and being ashamed to present himselfe into her sight , he closely conueyed him selfe from her view , yet thought hee good to ride her once againe like a countrey iade , and thereupon he went to one of the Clarkes of the Chancery , and acquainted him with the whole matter , desiring him to take some course for the ending of her businesse , and to set her packing : for during her abode in the Towne , I shal be constrained ( saide he ) like the Fore , to kéepe my hole . The Clearke promised to order the matter wellenough , but he either forgetting himselfe , or troubled with so much other businesse , that he could not regarde it , suffered her to stay vntill thrée of the clocke vncalled for . Whereat her coosin , grieued with her attendaunce , boldly stept into the Chauncery , tolde Maister Chauncellour her case , and desired his good worship , that foorth of his accustomed clemency he would let her come to her answer , that shée might know what shée were to trust vnto . The Chauncellour hearing such reportes to his sonnes disgrace , in publique court , was greatly offended therewith , and caused her to be brought in , and demaunded of her if she would iustifie those things , or not . Yea , quoth she , I will be deposed that all these reportes of my coosin be most true , and in witnesse thereof , héere are the handes and names of our Curate , and principall men of our parish . Well quoth Master Chauncollour , Thou naughty woman , I will haue thée made an example to all the world for slaundering my sonne with so much vntrueth : for the very day before thou reportest this acte to be done , I sent him to Yorke about important businesse of mine owne , and the Churches , and as yet he is not returned , neither , if he had béene at home shouldest thou make me to beléeue that he would haue so much abused himselfe . O good Maister Chauncelour ( said she ) for the pitty of almighty God , reade my testimoniall , and you shall know thereby , that I haue spoke nothing but the plaine trueth , which if it appeare not to be so , then spare no punishment . He , although hée rested assured of his sonnes innocencie , yet because the simplenesse of the woman perswaded him that she could not contriue it , and also séeing her so earnestly to insist vppon the verification thereof , hée conceiued that some had done her iniury , and fathered the matter vpon his sonne : he therfore tooke her petition , and read it openly , which contained thus much in effect .

Humbly beséecheth your good worship , father Chancellor , you daily Orators , the Vicar and parishioners of Wittan Iilbert , in the behalfe of this poore woman , our common Hostesse of the same Towne and Parish , that whereas , vpon the fiue and twentieth day of Maie instant , your worships sonite and sole heire , accompanied with two men onely , repaired to the house of our saide Hostesse , and there calling for Ale , Cakes , Creame , Curds , Custard , Chéese , Apples and Nuts , had all the same things afforded in plentifull manner by our said Hostesse : whereof although but thrée in number , and also pretending themselues gentlemen , they ate so much as would haue sufficed sixe stal-worth men , as with vs are set to plowe and waine , and when our hostesse did demaund of them ( as right would she should ) but a reasonable recompense , and much lesse than they had taken of hers , they quarrelled with her , and like cozoning fellowes ( if not your worships sonne and seruants ) they théeuishly departed , leauing all vndischarged except thrée pence , which they shamefully left on the table behinde them , whilst she was gone to fill their shot-pot , hauing before threatned her to haue her licence disallowed , and vpon this day inioyned her to make her appearance before your worship in this Court , and there to haue her licence surueied , which we beséech you to confirme , and ratifie , for she is the best Hostesse that euer must be in Wittan Iilbert , and better Ale is no where brewed than shee doth make ; for one pot thereof taken in the morning , keepeth the heart warme all the day after : In your great charitie therefore wee humbly petitioning you , as you are a worthy Chancellor , to tender all our cases , and in regard thereof we will acquite and defray all that your sonne is to her indebted for that dayes worke ; Wée ( I say ) whose names are here vnder-set .

Iames Nichols Curate of Wittan Iilbert . Church-wardens . William Snathe Geffrey Harebotle Constables . William Lonsdaile Matthew Sharpe Cum multis alijs quod nunc perscribere longum est .

The Chauncellor and Court laughed along time at the subiect of this petition , and vnderstanding the poore wiues simplicity by some péeuish brain abused , surrendred to her againe her licence , which shée there had shewed , willing her fréely to practise her trade : and for she had receiued wrong vnder the name of his sonne , hée repayed her with a French crowne , willing her also to speake well of the Chancellor and his friends , and assuring her that it was not his sonne , but some cozoning companions who had vsed his sonnes name , to abuse her thereby , dispatched her away . For which curtesie she humbly thanked him on her knées , & hyed her home to acquaint her husband and neighbours of her good successe : for ioy whereof they were all drunke the Sunday ensuing .

How Dobson stole a goose and Roasted her . Chap. II.

IN the suburbs of Dunholme , the Monkes of the Abbey had a certaine house of recreation , in the which euery moneth once , in the summer time , they were assembled to pastime themselues in the orchards walks and gardens , which they had there planted : while their orders continued vndissolued : but when they were reformed and reduced to a Deane and Chapiter , they leased , and let forth all such places to Gentlemen of the Countrey . This house called the Hall-yerds , they farmed to one Monsieur du Pome , a merchant of the citty , who for his house prouision had alwayes there a house of Poultry . Dobson promised his fellowes a feast , albeit he was not alwayes the best prouided of money , so about the Michaelmasse , when goose flesh commeth into request , he made an arrand to the Hallyerds , where such shift he made , as away he brought a goose without note or suspition , he shrowded it closely vnder his gowne , and lest that either he might be pursued , or the gander should cry and so indanger him of apprehension , he refused the stréetes , and tooke his passage alongst the riuer side to a bridge called Pons Laurentis , which directly carried him into the Abbey . But in the way ( as it fortuned ) he was met by the owner of the same , who for his pleasure came walking by the same passage to the Hall yerds , to take accompt of his seruants labours , and to sée his houses and cattell . The merchant in their méeting espying a substanre of a white colour vnder his gowne , demaunded what hée had there : Nothing said Dobson , but my Surplesse , which I haue béene fetching from my Laundresse , for it is almost Euensong time . That is well done ( said the merchant ) and making no further question with him , they sundred , the one taking his course to his farme , and the other to the schoole , where hée left his gander vntill Euensong was ended , when he conueyed him to his old hoast-house at the signe of the Bore , where they got him made fit for the broach . And vpon monday morning intending to performe his promised banquet , he prouided a broach , and all other things requisite , and caused a fire to be built in a sellar vnder the Schoole , he set his fellows to worke , playing the maister Cooke himselfe , he assigned euery one of those whom he had acquainted with the matter to a seuerall office . The goose as she beganne to roste more ripely , sauored so all ouer the schoole , that master Bromeley very sensibly perceiued the same , and demaunded what it should be , or from when ce it came : no man durst bewray the trueth , for feare of Dobsons indignation . But Maister Bromeley missing him and diuers others , inquired how they had bestowed themselues . Whereunto answer was made , that they were in the lower house . He suspecting that they were about the acting of some roguery , whirred downe the staires , wéening to haue trapped them , but he found a snecke before his snowt , the doores were so strongly boulted against him , that there he might not come but by licence . Vsing then his authoritie , he knocked lustily , and commaunded Dobson to open the doores , for he would come in to sée what they had to doe there . Oh no , quoth Dobson , for Gods sake come not héere sir , for you are not able to indure the stinch of this place , it is so mighty , that it will hazard your strangling : for this last night , in the raine which fel there are come downe such a multitude of frogs and other vermine into this house , that no man is able to set foote vpon any ground for them : and therefore , lest they should be the cause of any infection in this house , if they should continue vntill Summer , wée haue made a fire to burne them , whereof proceedes this terrible stinch which you taste , and from which we pray you to absent your selfe . Gods blessing haue thy heart , quoth master Bromeley , I pray thee leaue not one of them aliue , and when you haue finished your worke , let me haue intelligence thereof : for vntill such time as you haue dispatcht , I will leaue the Schoole , and commit the performaunce of this busines to thy care and prouidence , wherein Dobson promised to be very vigilant and respectiue , gladde to haue so easily possessed his master with a false suggestion : and so , when the goose was roasted to their contentment , they ate her all to the bones , Dobson and his best estéemd friends : which being done , they sent to aduertise their Maister , that hée might returne at his pleasure , for they had cleared the coast of all these mis-shapen monsters , and had perfumed the Schoole with burning of frankensence .

How Dobson deuised a holiday , and indangered his fellowes a whipping . Chap. 12

DObson , at eightéene yeares of age , had so well profited in Musike , and in the Latine tongue , that he was supposed fit for the Vniuersity , whither his vnckle had intended to send him so soone as his voice changed . But he desirous to haue his name notorious in the Schoole , and to giue his fellowes often cause to speake of him after his departure , hée set down with himself to play one famous iest more among them . And hauing prepared their affections with this aforesaid solempne banquet , he thought them so confident of his good meaning , that they would neuer apprehend any sinister conceit of his actions . One morning therefore about Midsummer after the ordinary prayers sung in the Cathedral , they were marching toward the schoole as at other times . Dobson hauing forethought thought his purpose , asked them what they intended to doe , what other shoulde we doe but goe to the Schoole ? To the Schoole , ( quoth Dobson ) and it a holiday ? that were sporte for a Tayler : I beleeue you cannot make me such a foole . And why aunswered they , we haue heard of no such festiual , and if it be any , t is more than we doe know . Why that may very well be so : but I dare warrant you , that it is holiday , and thereof I am most certaine , for otherwise Batte Midforths shoppe would haue beene open , as vpon other working daies it is wont to be : or neuer since my comming to the towne haue I séene it shut , but vpon Sundayes and principall feasts , so that I am well perswaded , that it is some speciall solemmtie this day ▪ neyther is it to be doubted , but that it hath beene proclaymed in the Churches , or at least in the parish of Sainct Nicholas , albeit wee haue not heard thereof , and that he knoweth welenough : for else ( without all question ) his shoppe had not beene shutte in more this day than yesterday . This Batte Midforth was of the Gentle Craft of Translators , and cobling of bootes and shooes he won his liuelihoode : euery morning was hée accustomed to open his shoppe betimes , singing like the Nightingale , and working apace , if , as Dobson saide , it were not holiday , whereof he neuer violated or brake any one , but obserued them all , very deuoutly frequenting the church and sermons , at the least two times vppon euery such day .

This morning as it fortuned , he was gone into the Countrey , he and his wife , to visit his wiues mother , who laboured of a quotidian feuer , and fearing death , had sent for them to be at the making of her last will and testament , as also to see her interred according to her estate and desire . Dobson then finding his shop windows shut vp , vrged it for a certaine testimonie to proue thereby a holyday , knowing that a more forcible instance could not haue béene by him aleadged , than that whereof themselues could all be testificants : and thereby he so staggered their vnderstandings , that they could not resolue what to do . Gladly they would haue apprehended the occasion of a dayes libertie , if they could haue deuised how to haue satisfied their Maister of this , they knew not what solemne Feast day , but because they could not conceiue how that might be inculcate , they passed on still toward the schoole . Dobson séeing them so forward , turned his backe , and bid God spéed them well : for as for me you shall goe alone , let no man trust me euer while I liue , if I come within the schoole doores this day . They perceiuing him to séeme offended , told him , that they were as willing as he to accept of the time , if they could be excused at their Masters hands . Leaue the dispatch of that matter to me ( quoth Dobson ) I will be aduocate for vs all , if you will ioyne with me this day , and conuent some good fellows at the Moorehouse , where I haue appointed a breakefast , and a match of shooting , I will discharge you of all blame at our Maisters hands , and thereof be you not afraid . Vpon which condition they al agréed t' attend him , which way soeuer it liked him to go . Well then ( s●id he ) fet your bowes , and walke toward the Bellowes mede : if I be not there before you , fa●l to shoot till my comming . In the meane time I will attend at the Schoole doore till our Masters repaire , to whom I will shew how it is holyday : which done , I will not be long absent from you , when we will go to the place appointed . Euery man allowing this course , fet his artillerie , and marched forth of the Abbey , with whom Dobson went along , euen vntill they came almost to the place where he had assigned them to stay : then he returned to informe Maister Bromley as he promised of the festiuall : and making as much hast as possibly he could , to preuent his Maisters comming , he tooke his seate close at the Schoole doore , lapped in his gowne as he had been a cold . About the houre of eight of the clocke Maister Bromeley came and bid him good morrow , demaunding the cause of his sitting there alone , and why he was not in the Schoole ? Sir ( saith he ) the doore is shut , and I cannot tel how to enter , and all the residue of my fellowes be gone abroad to shoot , and would haue had me to accompanie them , affirming it to be holyday : But because I could not tell what festiuall it should be , neither haue heard that it was so published in any Church of the Towne , I dared not presume to goe with them : partly , bicause I feared your offence , and partly , because I could not imagine what holyday it should be , for I espy all sorts of Citizens and Artizans in their shops , as vpon working dayes : yet notwithstanding all the reasons I produced to ouerthrow such their opinion , I could not perswade them to stay till your pleasure therein were knowne . But laughing at my timors , away they went globating to the fields . Maister Bromeley first examining the day and time of the yeare , lest haply it might be some Apostles or other Saints day : that either by the prescript of the Church , or the general custome of the Country , was to be kept holy , could not call to his remembrance that it was any such : and therefore he gaue Dobson in commission , to goe and commaund them all to repaire to the Schoole : with which his charge he departed , leauing his Maister to walke his stations before the portall . When he came to the place where they were earnestly shooting : Gentles ( said he ) I am come from our Maister , to intreat your helps a little . There are diuers Gentlemen of good sort yesternight come from London , who are trauelling toward Barwicke : and they haue sought forth our Maister this morning betimes , desiring to sée our Schoole , and the number of schollers , requesting also that wée may giue them a song : and haue brought themselues diuersitie of descant , lately set forth by Maister Bird Doctor of our Arte. Our Maister did know it to be holyday before I told him , and therefore was much solicited how to get vs assembled together because of the same . That he might gratifie the straungers desires , and for ioy that I was so nigh at hand , he hath promised vs another day of recreation , when we shall think fit to call for the same . They taking all his sentences for Oracles , without further delay , in hope of their Maisters future fauour , and some reward of the Gentlemen , hurled homeward in heapes , bestowing their artillery to the custodie of their acquaintances in the way , striuing who should come first home . But when they came within the Cathedral , and did see their master kéeping his ward alone , their copies changde , and wished with all their hearts they had béene away : but Dobson séeing them to be so daunted , incouraged them to goe forward , implying to them , that the strangers were but gone to take a viewe of some of the ancient monuments in the Chancellour shrine of S. Cuthbert till their comming : and to release them of all feares , himselfe stept formost into the Schoole . When euery man was seated in his place , disputing what would be the issue of their calling home , M. Bromeley bolting the doore so fast that none could escape forth , examined the cause , why they had neglected the schoole without his licence , and did not rather follow Dobsons aduise , which was , to haue acquainted him first , that it was a solemnitie of some Saint , either kept of custome , or commanded , which if by their collections they could haue made plaine , then he would not haue detained them against any auntient and approoued custome of the Schoole . They by these propositions seating how the case stood , had no better excuse to cleare themselues , then to blame the blame-worthy , and so at large related , how by him they were induced thereunto , standing all to affirme it in his face , and their testimonies so strongly charging him , could not descerne any fault in them worthy of chastisment , but turned all his anger vpon this pregnant deuiser , who well merited the whip , and was commanded to prepare his bréech for the strappado . But when hée perceiued that no reply of his against their assertion could be taken , neither any entreatie or promise of amendement procure his pardon , he skipped into an olde Jakes in the Schoole , whereinto they vsed to throwe all their filthy dust and swéepings , protesting that foorth of that place he would neuer come , vnlesse that his master would solemnly sweare to remit and forgiue vnto him all offences past : and if that any disaster shall ouer-take me in this place ( saith he ) I will take it vpon my death , that the feare I conceiue of your barbarous vsage of me is the cause thereof , answere it as you can ; you will finde that I haue parents will seeke for no lesse satisfaction then the lawe will allow them . M. Bromeley doubtfull that he had béen madde or lunaticke by his desperate behauior , intreated him to come foorth , swearing vpon the Bible , that he would not onely release him , but pardon all the rest : vpon which his deposition made , Dobson by the helpe of a rope which was cast downe vnto him ▪ ascended foorth of the pit , and was reconciled to his Ma. and schoole fellowes . After which time he desisted from further practizing against them , béeing sent by his Vncle within a wéekes space to the Vuiuersitie of Cambridge .

Of Dobsons intertainment at Cambridge : and of his disputes there kept in the publike Schooles . Chap. 13.

SIr Thomas béeing let to vnderstand , by the Maisters of the Schooles , that his nephew was fit for the Vniuersitie , acquainted M. Deane therewith , requesting his good help and furtherance toward his placing in some good estate , whereby hée might be the rather mooued to continue and set himselfe to his studies with more facilitie , such impediments being cut off as a number , who forced to attend , in respect of their lacke of maintenance , can hardly allot themselues any time to their bookes . And therefore he prayed Maister Deane to commend him by Letters to such his friends as his worship did know could steade him for his promoting to a schollership , when the time of Election should come , that he might haue that helpe , together with the money which he had reserued of his Chorisiers stipend for his exhibition , which there hee made accompt of to maister Deane , that he entirely saued and kept it according as his worshippe had commaunded for that end and purpose . Maister Deane , for sir Thomas his sake , whome he loued more than any Canonist in the church , was willing to doe whatsoeuer hée desired , is farre forth , as his Letters and credite in those places would extend : and at the time of his setting forward , foorth of his owne coffers hée gaue vnto him as towards his viaticum , tenne markes in liberalitie , and fiue other to bestow vpon his study : he writ also in friendly manner to the Maister and Fellowes of Christs Colledge , intreating them to entertaine him as his poore scholler , and that when a Scholership came into their gift , which by the statutes of their house they might dispose of , hée then desired that ( no misdemeanor of him to the contrary them inhibiting ) to admit him thereunto , and himselfe would take it as a fauour extended vnto him , neyther would be negligent in the requitall of such a courtesie . And before he sealed , he read them vnto sir Thomas , who humbly thanked him for these vndeserued fauors , promising , that for such his worshipful goodnesse and respect , he and his nephew shuld remaine his daily beadsmen vntil death . And receiuing the money and letters of Maister Deane , he tooke his leaue , and the next daie hée dispatched away Dobson , with diuers others that intended the same course , waging a carrier to conduct and guide them thither , where hée found as good welcome as could be wished for , in regarde of maister Deanes Letters , the effect of which euery man desired to accomplish , and the Maister himselfe assigned him a Tutor , and carefully supplyed all his wants , assuming him into a Schollers place , by the assent of all the fellows within three wéekes of his comming thither , although that the time of Election was not vntill Michaelmasse after , a full halfe yéere from the time of his installing . Hée carried himselfe very respectiuely til hée had perfitly learned all the customes and fashions of the Vniuersitie , and so diligently setled himselfe to his booke , as by the estimate of all hée was accompted the best Student in the House , and so exact he became in the interpreters of the Logicke and Philosophy , that there was not one of his classe able to equall him in dispute , or canuasse an Argument with such dexteritie . In this course did he kéepe himselfe thrée yeares , vntill he was called to the publike schooles , to hold his disputes in open audience of the Vniuersitie , when hée rushed againe into his olde humours . And the first that opposed himselfe to Dobson in the Schooles was a Welchman : the first . of whose questions was : An aër sit substantia corporea : Dobson answered : If Wallus may be Gallus , aër sit substantia corporea .

The Welchman cauelled againe , vntill by the Moderator they were inioyned to goe to the question , and to dispute it syllogisticè . The opponent vrging an argument very captiously , was taken at the rebound , and beaten with his owne Racket . Dobson escrying the Eleuch , shewed him the falsitie of the Sophisme , and made him cléere with a distinction : and so , that staffe being broken , he tooke a stronger by the end ( as he imagined ) but héerein Dobson so abased him , that the Welchman descended the Pulpit , and would faine haue pulled him by the eares , if by the audience hée had not beene interrupted , who perswaded him the contrary , wherein ( no doubt ) they were greatly his hinderance , for if his charitie had béene to haue lent , I coniecture hée should haue had his owne repaied with vsurio . Dobson prepared to haue restored him the curtesie of the towne , and bearing a gentlemanly minde , hee resolued to haue bestowed two for one , scorning to be in his debt . And of méere good wil , to prouoke the Welchmans appetite , he had brought with him , in a little linnen bagge , a penyworth of chéese , and asise of bread , which at the propounding of the second Argument , taking the bagge foorth of his pocket , hee spread it vpon the pulpit , and set thercon the bread and chéese , and saide , because I thought by your complexion , that there was some diet which troubled your stomacke for want of temperd digestion , I haue prouided for you ; Porrige igitur & manduca , gratias agens ; reach to therefore , and eate , giuing thankes . It were pitty your mother should lose a sonne by a surffet . Charitie then hath moued me to prescribe you the best phisicke I know of : and sure it is most correspondent to a man of your constitution . Aiax perceiuing it a vanity to deale with Vlysses , offered him the Gauntlet , and forsaking his piew , with folded fist he made toward Dobson with a buffet , who met at the halfe sword : but they had scarcely changed a couple of blowes , but they were diuided , and commanded , either to procéede informa , or to giue place to some better prepared , Dobson retired to his settle , exspecting another Argument . But the Welch man was without ; his braines were troubled with this obiect , that for his life hée could not frame any further dispute , and so descending with disgrace for that time he departed the Schooles , but Dobson continued foorth his time , answering all opponents whatsoeuer , and so sufficiently , and with such learning , that his fame thereupon grew to be great in the generall opinion of the Vniuersitie , and the Welch man generally for euer after auoyded to take the pulpit against him .

Of Dobsons second dispute against the Kentishmen : of his abuse of them : and of his sending to Bocardo . Chap. 14.

IN the terme following , he was assigned to be defendant in questions of philosophy against certaine Kentishmen , with whom he conceiued to haue a more doubtful conflict , knowing the most parte of them to be serious students , captious , pregnant , couragious , and indowed with singular quicke apprehensions , and so many in number that he feared to be suppressed with multitudes , yet notwithstanding he deuised how to close their mouthes with a couer of plate ; and albeit they might hap to insult ouer him , by their speculatiue knowledge , yet in practicall sciences he was confident to haue the superioritie . And against the day of his conference with them he thus prouided , he went to a painter in the citie , and procured him to draw at large and in liuely colours , a kennell of Foxes , marching in array of battaile and loaden with the spotles of their enemies , in the foreward was Reynold with a Caualieros cap of tawny hue , circled with a band of gold and pearle , to which was fastned a bunch of blacke and red fethers , importing death , and ouer spreading his crowne , like a canopy , in his mouth he caried by the necke two slaughtered souldiers , the one a white gander whose body he had hung vpon his right shoulder behinde , & vpon the left he bare the corps of a very faire red cocke , with some blacke & white freakles vpon the breast , & at the ioyuture of his taile to the ridge bone , they had placed ( like a Portmantua ) the carkasses of halfe a dozen yonger poultry : all which by maine force he had taken in the fight , & put to the sword : with him was ranked on the left hand , dame Ermeline his wife , clothed in a gowne of gray cundested satin : her hat was white , and the band of siluered tinzell , with a bunch of blew and yellow feathers , which ouer-shadowed her browes forwarde , and detended her face from the scorching heate of the sunne , shee reputing her selfe in prowesse nothing inferior to sir Reynold , and that the worl● might beare witnesse that her valour was such : he had spotles also to testifie the same , a gray goole , and a speckled hen , with sire sister chickens , whome by dim of sword , she had subdued and slaughtered . After them followed in good order a litter of yong Cubbes euery one whereof gaue testimony by their aboundance of prey , that a great ouerthrow had béen giuen to their enemies , and that the victory was wholly theirs , some carried the spoiles of the conies , other of Duckes , and some Pidgeons , onely the hinde most was plagued skipping at a bunch of grapes , but could not catch them : their tailes were painted of a large and ample sise , brushing the ground where they séemed to pace ; and vpon the florish of each thereof which bunched thicke , toward the end was artificially deuised inscriptions , containing their names , offices , and the exploites by them atchiued , and the armes of Kent in white and blew stremers , in a field of Sable .

When all these things were thus done ( as he directed ) he discharged the Painter for his worke-manship , and conueied the Pagient to his chamber , till the day of his answere of the Kentish opponent : when the time prefixed came , they repaired to the schooles , a little before the houre appointed , & caused a scréene to be set vpright in veiw of his aduersarie , he fastened thereupon in a table of wood the foresaid pageant , drawing a veile before it , to kéepe it foorth of sight , vntill hée thought fitte to discouer it , certaine Poemes he annexed as examplifications of the Pageant : which because I will not be offensiue to the Kentish-men , I passe ouer to a double post . When the clocke had striken , and they flocked to the Schooles from euery Colledge of the Vniuersity , to heare the questions in controuersie decided betwixt the Northerne & Kentishmen , Dobson was elected Primate of the Northerne companies , who came as defendants : and as beseemed a noble harted Combatant , he entred the listes couragiously , animating his fellowes to second him in semblable fortitudes and magnanimity , and with vn daunted spirites , promising so to blunt al their weapons that not one shoulde haue power to pierce him . And because it concerned the credit of himselfe and all his countreimen , he kept his actes with asmuch good order and formality as hee coulde possibly make shewe of : and such excesse of learning he shewed in the whole placing thereof , as all admired his singular science & knowledge : he put downe & droue two of them to a non plus , the third ascended the piew , whom also he quickely shifted from the Saddle : and because he would haue no commendations perished , by any of his fellows which himselfe had purchased , he vnmasked the sciéene , and layd to there view the Kentish description , at which sight all the audience swelled with laughing . But the kentishmen not brookeing this abuse , without any further prosecuting of their questions , made an vprore in the Schooles , and hauing no other weapons but their fists , they went to good sad buffets the Northerne & Kentishmen , neither could all the residue set them asunder , vntill the porters were sent for by whome they were admonished to desist , and for that time expelled the Schooles , Dobson and some others of the principals of both parties were sent to Bocardo , where they remained vntill course was taken for their good behauiour in the Schooles in all futurity of times .

How Dobson kept his third dispute in publike Schooles against one Malgrado , a fellow student of Christs Colledge , and of his expelling the Vniuersitie . Chap. 15

THe Maister of Christs Colledge became Dobsons securitie , vpon promise to forbeare these prouocations of brawles , which if he did not , he threatened to stay his Bachelors grace , & to expell him the Colledge , depriuing him of all meanes of further progace and maintenance , which inhibition he nothing respected . The very next time he was inioyned to kéepe his third act in publike , in which he was to deale with one of his owne Colledge , with whom alas hée knew a fault , and therefore more boldly aduentured to play the wanton , contrary to the Maisters admonishment . This Malgrado ( for so was the other disputant surnamed ) loued a Laundresse daughter of the Colledge , whom he many times harboured in his chamber , contrary to the statutes of their house : and at such times when she came either to fet or bring his clothes to or from washing , he would priuily conuey her into his studie , as opportunitie best fitted his purpose , and there many times the accompanied him for the space of foure or fiue dayes , and sometimes more , being letted of fit dispatching her away by some of his fellowes , whom vpon some extraordinarie kindnesse noted betwixt them , priuily watched their familiar vsage of one another , to whom he gaue diligent respect that they might not take him napping . Dobson suggesting all occasions he could aduise vpon , to bolt forth the truth , at last catched the Cat in the Mouse-fall . Malgrado liuing in Pensioners common , when it pleased his guest to diet with him , was accustomed to sise either of the Cookes , or amongst the Schollers a whole messe of meat , which his large prouision first bred obseruation , and after betraied his cause ; for Dobson and his associats by this meanes discouered the Cat in a casket : which came thus to passe . One Sunday at the afternoone , when the most part of Students were gone abroad , some to heare Sermons , other to take the ayre in the fields , as euery mans disposition allotted him , Malgrado had appointed his friend to resort to his chamber , into the which he safely conducted her in respect of their absence , purposing that while they continued at the Sermons , he would that with her a little , and so dismisse her before their returne : But such content he tooke in her company , that he forgot himselfe , and was forced to stay her all the night : for at euening time they al came home to the Colledge , because no man durst absent himselfe from prayer , and so Malgrado was constrained to go thither also , suspecting that if he abstained , it might occasionate his chamber to be searched , and then it was not possible for his friend to auoid their sight , he hauing no conueyance wherein to conceale her , but onely a basket which he hung aloft in his chamber , binding it with two strong ropes to a crosse beame , wherein vsually he thrust her , if he feared the presence of any of his fellowes , hauing so deuised , that the end of the rope passing through the wall of his studie , he might wind vp and downe the basket at his pleasure . He therefore compelld to kéep her til he might gaine a conuenient time to set her packing , was vrged that night to sise double commons , and from the Cookes he carried a shoulder of mutton , not without the obseruation of Dobson and diuers of his fellowes , who said nothing wherby he might perceiue their suspicions , yet assured themselues that mistresse Debora was a bidden guest . And when they conceiued him and his familiar to be in the middest of their supper , vp the staires they rushed with a Porters staste to haue carried them both to the Tole boothe , but he preuented their soden entrance , by bolting the doore against them , which he kept shut vntill he had bestowed her into the basket , and drawne it vp as high as the beame whereunto it was fastened : which done he set open the doores and let them enter , and to search his chamber in euerie corner , but they could find nothing , till being readie to depart , saith Dobson , fellow Malgrado , I supposed that you shed a shoulder of mutton to supper , what haue you done with the remainder , surely my commons were so stender , that I intended at my comming hither to haue mended my fare with you , if this vnruly rabble had not interrupted me : and therefore I pray thee if thou hast any left , let vs haue it , and we will fetch some beere and be merry . Faith ( saith Malgrado ) I haue left some little , but that I haue giuen to my Cat , which I keepe here in my basket to kill my Rats , and she I thinke by this hath pared the residue to the bone . If that be so said Dobson , then didst thou either eate very much , or thy Cat was greatly hungry . But I pray thée let vs sée , it shall be very sore fowled , if I take not part with her of that which is behind . But Malgrado fearing that his pelicies would appeare , crcused the matter , and said , that it could not be but that the Cat had made it past mans eating . Notwithstanding ( said Dobson ) I will not beleeue it , vnlesse I see it , neither shall this shift serue to saue your vinuals , and making no more to do , cut the rope in sunder with a Halbert , when downe came Mistress Debora in the basket , and in her fall she cryed , O helpe friend Malgrado , or I perish , but she had no supporters vntill she came vpon the chamber where she was relieued with more attendanes then she desired , and that the truth of her comming thither might be manifested , the Masters and fellowes were sent for to take her examination , who hauing really confessed her acquaintance and familiarity with Malgrado , with promise neuer more to frequent his company ( especially in the Colledge ) she was let to goe without further punishment , & Malgrado was admonished vpon the paine of expulsion to abstaine from such acquaintance with all women whatsoeuer , during the time of his stay in the Colledge . Dobson therefore hauing this blot in Malgradoes booke , versified vpon this theame at large in the publique audience , vpon the day of their dispute , and to quite Malgradoes oratory who excelled Dobson in Rethoricke , yea and in rayling too , when they had disputed their first question , Dobson drewe forth from vnder his gowne a basket which of purpose he had prouided , and lifting vp the couer , forth skippeth a Cat , offering to run away , but Dobson catching her by the tayle , said , nay I beseech you to stay good Mistris Debora , you shall suppe before you passe , for your familiar friend Malgrado hath sised a shoulder of motton which he drawing forth of the basket preferred to the poore amased Cat , who shreeking & crying scratched him by the fingers vntill she was deliuered : the Schooles were admired of the mystery , neither did any man knowe what construction to giue thereto , while Dobson vnfolded all the former circumstances , which the audience hearing , thrust Malgrado from the Pulpit and gaue Dobson a generall applause , aswell for his learned disputes as his commicall conceits . But Malgrado complained of this disorder to the Master of their house , who considering , that not only Malgrado , but the whole house , by this discouery were made ridiculous to the whole Vniuersity , by th assent of the whole Chapter expelled Dobson both the Colledge and the Vniuersity at the very instant when he should haue proceeded Bachelour . Dobson taking in euill part this disgrace , against the day of the Bachelours commencement , he set vpon the Colledge gates the picture of Malgrado with a Bachelours cappe and gowne , in his right hand holding Mistris Debora in a basket , and in the other a Cat tyed in a chaine with a shoulder of mutton about hir necke , about him he placed the picturs of the mistris of the house and the fellowes in their Doctors roabes , with coxecombes vpon the crownes of their cappes , and in each mans hand a fox tayle , and a paire of shéeres , this statue he erected an houre before day , and so tooke him to his héeles , lest if he were catcht he shoulde be punished for the same , bidding Cambridge and the Schooles adew .

Howe Dobson became an Oastler and a seruingman , howe he beate his Mistris for the loue of her maide , and how he should haue hanged for riding away with his Maisters horse , and of his end . The last Chap.

DObson being in this manner banished the Vniuersity , not daring to looke vpon his Vnckle , and ashamed to returne to his Country in this dishonour , when he came at Huntington , he hired himselfe to an Inkeeper where he played the vnder Oastler for the space of a yeare to his great grief and discontent , vntill a Gentleman of his country pittying that so able a boy , and well qualified as by his discourse and carriadge he seemed to be , should so basely bestowe himselfe perswaded him to giue ouer that trade of life , & to become a seruingman , which he told him was a more commendable course , lesse painefull , and could not be otherwise then more profitable also . Dobson soone assented to his perswasion hauing vsed the other but of meere necessity , and because he did not knowe howe to liue otherwise , the gentleman therefore concluding with him for reasonable wages , secretly conueighed him from Huntington to his owne house , with whome he stayed the space of another yeare also , in which time for his diligence and behauiour he gotte a singular opinion both of his Maister and Mistris , vntill this had happened . His Mistris had a cosen who attended her in the chamber , an hansome girle , with whome Dobson came more familiarly acquainted then was allowed of , and also shee afforded him equall affection and loue , which caused her to haue many a lowering countenance of her Aunte , but she set light of them in regard of Dobsons fauour , much difficulty he suffered before he could impart his minde to her , which had not needed if he had beene assured of the maides good meaning toward him , who if modesty had not letted her , had first moued the suite to him , and neuer paused after his first motion made to giue him answers or to aduise of the matter , but protested at the very instant to be his affected & pawned the same with a kisse , yet they concluded to dissemble the same , and to keepe it secret from their Maister and Mistris . But loue like the fire , first smoking , and then flaming , increased so betwixt them that it burst forth to open viewe of all : their exterior shewes betrayed their interior secretes , and so apparant it was to the whole house , that their Maister and Mistris had information of the same , which the Mistris ill disgested in respect she was her Néece , and he a stranger vnknowne to any of them , eyther his estate , condition , or parentage , which he willingly concealed because he would not haue his Vnckle to receaue any certificat of his course of life , she therefore strictly commanded her Cosen to absteyne from his company , and in no sort to vse him familiarly , as she cared to auoide her finall displeasure , but this charge was of as much force as if she had taken woode and throwne into the flame forbidding it to burne , for women are neuer earnest in loue vntill such time as they be forbidden to loue . When therfore her mistris had abriged her of al meanes of speaking with him in the house , appointed to meete him at the pen when the maids came to milking , where she to gratifie their fellowes & the rather to induce them to conceale their meetinges , for her Mistris did diuerse times feast and banquet them with possets and the like conceites . But in all societies there are euer some false brothers , when to picke a thanke , or to gaine a particular fauour to themselues , dissupplant their fellowes , so among these maides there was one chattering pie , who thrust into the mistris head al their intercourse of loue and familiaritie which then passed , for which the poore wench had many a sound chiding , yet stoode to denie all , so long that her constant negatiue one night moued her mistris to put vpon her a womans attyre , and secretly to conuay herselfe into a Calfehouse , hiding her selfe in the strawe vnd●r the cribbe , vntill the time of milcking , purposing to try whet●●r her cosen or the maide were in the trueth . And the same night they had assigned Dobson to be present at a posset of sacke , neuer suspecting that their mistris had any notice of their good felowship in that place , much lesse that shee was present to beholde their pastimes . But only she who had set her to the watche . While Dobson stayed longer than the houre assigned , they thought fit to make an ende of milkeing , that when he came they might haue nothing to stay them further , then only the dispatch of the posset , and also , lest staying later abroade then they were accustomed , their mistris might haue iealosie of some such matter . One of the maides , she who had first milked , went into the calfehouse to pul a rose , and as it woulde be , she pist into hir mistris necke vnknowne to hir , while at her going forth , she had a glimse of one lying couered in the strawe , at which both ashamed and afraide shee came forth & related what had befallen her , some laughed at the case a little , others cared how to dispose of the posset , tushe saieth her cosen , loue making her bolde , if the case be so plaine , let vs stand to it like frindes , let them flinch that feares , we wil take no knowledge of her presence , God be thanked we knowe the worst , it is but the losse of a seruice , a chiding , a bundel of batts , and start I will not til my friend come , if it be not till midnight , I wil either vrge her to come & take part with vs , or weary her of her lodging , but presently hereupon appeareth sir Dobson whom he much blamed for his lingring , withall , reuealing on what difficulties they stood vpon , in regard their mistris had set watch to trap them , no matter saide he , let vs first conquere this aduersary , and referre me to pacifie our mistris anger , I knowe a carde wherewith to coole the heate of my mistris fiery stomacke . And so when the banquetended , willing them to walke homewarde , he with a good fast cudgell entered the calfehouse , where with many a lusty blowe he happed his mistris about the shoulders , notwithstanding that shee entreated him to stay his handes and not to beate her being his mistris , no quoth hee thou arte some visarde witch , that pretendest some mischiefe to my mistris her beasts , or else some naughty packe queane , in league with the maids , to cosen my mistris of the milke . My mistris is a gentlewoman of good worshippe , and would not for the worlde be seene in this base and ragged attyre , and therefore I wil hamper thee like as thou art , and so doubling his blowes he beate her againe till himselfe was weary , and shee so lamed that she was not able to stand , but falling downe vpon her knees , she saide , O good George I pray thee to take some pitty vpon me and kill me not forth-right , for in very trueth I am thy mistris , and came of purpose in this disguised and ragged cloathing , to espie and see thy vsege and behauiour with my maides , to whome I am contented to remit as to thee all that euer you haue trespassed against me , conditionally that thou now cease from beating me , and help to conduct me home , for thou hast so squeized me that I am not able to goe alone , he seemeing by these speeches to be brought into some doubt that it should be his mistris indeed , carried her into the light where beholding her in the visage as though before he had not knowne her , he cried her mercy , & appeared very sorrowfull , requesting her to pardon him , affirming that he did not beleeue that it shoulde be her selfe , but some other rogish ill disposed woman , and prostrating himselfe vpon his knees he asked her hartily forgiuenesse ( as she supposd ) and that he had beat hir of ignorance , wherwith shee the more easily pardoned him , and staying her selfe vpon his shoulders she walked home with him , but he had so basted her , as for fiue wéekes after , she was constrained to keepe her bed , in which time shee was informed of the whole betwirt him and her maides as touching her beating , for which atterwards the coulde neuer endure him , and to curbe his desires she priuately caused her kinswoman to be conueighed away he did not know whither , for which he became so discontent , that when his master was vpon occasions gone towardes London his mistris sending him to a cosens house about some businesse , he rode away with his masters best gelding , sold him also and spent the mony neuer returning to giue answere of his message : his master at his comming backe from London , made dilligent enquiry after his man & his horse , and at the length being certified of his aboade , and the sale of his horse , he arested him with a Justices warrant , and got him committed to the Castle at Yorke , where he was to aunswere the assises , and had hanged without remission , if his vnkle had not made meanes for his repriue vntill he procured him a pardon . For after that he was hanckeled in so great extremity , he directed letters to his vnckle , certifieng him of his lamentable case craueing pardon for all his former euagations , & promising future reformation and to reclaime himselfe from al lewd behauiours , desiring also his vnkle to prouide him a Channons place in Dunholme , whereby hee might be maintained sufficiently if he escaped death , and that through want he needed not be constrained to prosecute any more such barbarous courses . Nature & pittie concurring in his vnkles brest inforced him to afford his helping hand . And by master Deanes meanes and the Prebends he got him freed from death , and imprisonment , and also beneficed in the Abbey , as he requested . Whereupon entring into consideration how much Almighty God and his frindes had helped him , he mortified all his irregular passions and spent the residue of his course in an admirable course of ciuility . For the which he was generally respected of all the people & the whole Cleargie , and after the death of his Vnkell , possessed of all his substance and beneficed with his Vicarige , in which estate he ended and finished his life .

Finis .