Iuuenilia or Certaine paradoxes and problemes, written by I. Donne

PARADOXES .

I. A Defence of Womens Inconstancy .

THat Women are Inconstant , I with any man confesse , but that Inconstancy is a bad quality , I against any man will maintaine : For every thing as it is one better than another , so is it fuller of change ; The Heavens themselves continually turne , the Starres move , the Moone changeth ; Fire whirleth , Ayre flyeth , Water ebbs and flowes , the face of the Earth altereth her lookes , time stayes not ; the Colour that is most light , will take most dyes : so in Men , they that have the most reason are the most inalterable in their designes , and the darkest or most ignorant , do seldomest change ; therefore Women changing more than Men , have also more Reason . They cannot be immutable like stockes , like stones , like the Earths dull Center , Gold that lyeth still , rusteth ; Water , corrupteth ; Aire that moveth not , poysoneth ; then why should that which is the perfection of other things , be imputed to Women as greatest imperfection ? Because thereby they deceive men . Are not your wits pleased with those jests , which coozen your expectation ? You can call it Pleasure to be beguil'd in troubles , and in the most excellent toy in the world , you call it Treachery : I would you had your Mistresses so constant , that they would never change , no not so much as their smocks , then should you see what sluttish vertue , Constancy were . Inconstancy is a most commendable and cleanely quality , and Women in this quality are farre more absolute than the Heavens , than the Starres , Moone , or any thing beneath it ; for long observation hath pickt certainety out of their mutability . The Learned are so well acquainted with the Starres , Signes and Planets , that they make them but Characters , to reade the meaning of the Heaven in his owne forehead . Every simple Fellow can bespeake the change of the Moone a great while before-hand : but I would faine have the learnedst man so skilfull , as to tell when the simplest Woman meaneth to varie . Learning affords no rules to know , much lesse knowledge to rule the minde of a Woman : For as Philosophy teacheth us , that Light things doe alwayes tend upwards , and heavy things decline downeward ; Experience teacheth us otherwise , that the disposition of a Light Woman , is to fall downe , the nature of Women being contrary to all Art and Nature . Women are like Flies , which feed among us at our Table , or Fleas sucking our very blood , who leave not our most retired places free from their familiarity , yet for all their fellowship will they never bee tamed nor commanded by us . Women are like the Sunne , which is violently carryed one way , yet hath a proper course contrary : so though they , by the mastery of some over-ruling churlish Husbands , are forced to his Byas , yet have they a motion of their owne , which their Husbands never know of . It is the nature of nice and fastidious mindes to know things onely to bee weary of them : Women by their flye changeablenesse , and pleasing doublenesse , prevent even the mislike of those , for they can never be so well knowne , but that there is still more unknowne . Every Woman is a Science ; for hee that plods upon a Woman all his life long , shall at length find himselfe short of the knowledge of her : they are borne to take downe the pride of wit , and ambition of wisedome , making fooles wise in the adventuring to winne them , wisemen fooles in conceit of losing their labours ; witty men starke mad , being confounded with their uncertaineties . Philosophers write against them for spight , not desert , that having attained to some knowledge in all other things , in them onely they know nothing , but are meerely ignorant : Active and Experienced men raile against them , because they love in their livelesse and decrepit age , when all goodnesse leaves them . These envious Libellers ballad against them , because having nothing in themselves able to deserve their love , they maliciously discommend all they cannnot obtaine , thinking to make men beleeve they know much , because they are able to dispraise much , and rage against Inconstancy , when they were never admitted into so much favour as to be forsaken . In mine Opinion such men are happy that Women are Inconstant , for so may they chance to bee beloved of some excellent Women ( when it comes to their turne ) out of their Inconstancy and mutability , though not out of their owne desert . And what reason is there to clog any Woman with one Man , bee hee never so singular ? Women had rather , and it is farre better and more Iudiciall to enjoy all the vertues in severall Men , than but some of them in one , for otherwise they lose their taste , like divers sorts of meat minced together in one dish : and to have all excellencies in one Man ( if it were possible ) is Confusion and Diversity . Now who can deny , but such as are obstinately bent to undervalue their worth , are those that have not soule enough to comprehend their excellency , Women being the most excellentest Creatures , in that Man is able to subject all things else , and to grow wise in every thing , but still persists a foole in Woman ? The greatest Scholler , if hee once take a Wife , is found so unlearned , that he must begin his Horne-booke , and all is by Inconstancy . To conclude therefore ; this name of Inconstancy , which hath so much beene poysoned with slaunders , ought to bee changed into variety , for the which the world is so delightfull , and a Woman for that the most delightfull thing in this World .

II. That Women ought to paint .

FOulenesse is Lothsome : can that be so which helpes it ? who forbids his Beloved to gird in her waste ? to mend by shooing her uneven lamenesse ? to burnish her teeh ? or to perfume her breath ? yet that the Face bee more precisely regarded , it concernes more : For as open confessing sinners are alwaies punished , but the wary and concealing offenders without witnesse doe it also without punishment ; so the secret parts needs the lesse respect ; but of the Face , discovered to all Examinations and survayes , there is not too nice a Iealousie . Nor doth it onely draw the busie eyes , but it is subject to the divinest touch of all , to kissing , the strange and mysticall union of soules . If shee should prostitute her selfe to a more unworthy Man than thy selfe , how earnestly and justly wouldst thou exclaime ? that for want of this easier and ready way of repairing , to betray her body to ruine and deformity ( the tyrannous Ravishers , and sodaine Deflourers of all Women ) what a heynous Adultery is it ? What thou lovest in her face is colour , and painting gives that , but thou hatest it , not because it is , but because thou knowest it . Foole , whom ignorance makes happy , the Starres , the Sunne , the Skye whom thou admirest , alas , have no colour , but are faire , because they seeme to bee coloured : If this seeming will not satisfie thee in her , thou hast good assurance of her colour , when thou seest her lay it on . If her face bee painted on a Boord or Wall , thou wilt love it , and the Boord , and the Wall : Canst thou loath it then when it speakes , smiles , and kisses , because it is painted ? Are wee not more delighted with seeing Birds , Fruites , and Beasts painted then wee are with Naturalls ? And doe wee not with pleasure behold the painted shape of Monsters and Divels , whom true , wee durst not regard ? Wee repaire the ruines of our houses , but first cold tempests warnes us of it , and bytes us through it ; wee mend the wracke and staines of our Apparell , but first our eyes , and other bodies are offended ; but by this providence of Women , this is prevented . If in kissing or breathing upon her , the painting fall off , thou art angry , wilt thou be so , if it sticke on ? Thou didst love her , if thou beginnest to hate her , then 't is because shee is not painted . If thou wilt say now , thou didst hate her before , thou didst hate her and love her together , bee constant in something , and love her who shewes her great love to thee , in taking this paines to seeme lovely to thee .

III. That by Discord things increase . Nullos esse Deos , inane Coelum Affirmat Coelius , probatque quod se Factum vidit , dum negat haec , beatum .

SO I assevere this the more boldly , because while I maintaine it , and feele the Contrary repugnancies and adverse fightings of the Elements in my Body , my Body increaseth ; and whilst I differ from common opinions by this Discord , the number of my Paradoxes increaseth . All the rich benefits we can frame to our selves in Concord , is but an Even conservation of things ; in which Evennesse wee can expect no change , no motion ; therefore no increase or augmentation , which is a member of motion . And if this unity and peace can give increase to things , how mightily is discord and war to that purpose , which are indeed the onely ordinary Parents of peace . Discord is never so barren that it affords no fruit ; for the fall of one estate is at the worst the increaser of another , because it is as impossible to finde a discommodity without advantage , as to finde Corruption without Generation : But it is the Nature and Office of Concord to preserve onely , which property when it leaves , it differs from it selfe , which is the greatest discord of all . All Victories and Emperies gained by warre , and all Iudiciall decidings of doubts in peace , I doe claime children of Discord . And who can deny but Controversies in Religion are growne greater by discord , and not the Controversie , but Religion it selfe : For in a troubled misery Men are alwaies more Religious then in a secure peace . The number of good men , the onely charitable nourishers of Concord , wee see is thinne , and daily melts and waines ; but of bad discording it is infinite , and growes hourely . Wee are ascertained of all Disputable doubts , onely by arguing and differing in Opinion , and if formall disputation ( which is but a painted , counterfeit , and dissembled discord ) can worke us this benefit , what shall not a full and maine discord accomplish ? Truely me thinkes I owe a devotion , yea a sacrifice to discord , for casting that Ball upon Ida , and for all that businesse of Troy , whom ruin'd I admire more then Babylon , Rome , or Quinzay , removed Corners , not onely fulfilled with her fame , but with Cities and Thrones planted by her Fugitives . Lastly , between Cowardice and despaire , Valour is gendred ; and so the Discord of Extreames begets all vertues , but of the like things there is no issue without a miracle : Vxor pessima , pessimus maritus Miror tam malé convenire . Hee wonders that betweene two so like , there could be any discord , yet perchance for all this discord there was nere the lesse increase .

IV. That good is more common then evill .

I Have not been so pittifully tired with any vanity , as with silly Old Mens exclaiming against these times , and extolling their owne : Alas ! they betray themselves , for if the times be changed , their manners have changed them . But their senses are to pleasures , as sick Mens tastes are to Liquors ; for indeed no new thing is done in the world , all things are what , and as they were , and Good is as ever it was , more plenteous , and must of necessity be more common then evill , because it hath this for nature and perfection to bee common . It makes Love to all Natures , all , all affect it . So that in the Worlds early Infancy , there was a time when nothing was evill , but if this World shall suffer dotage in the extreamest crookednesse thereof , there shall be no time when nothing shal be good . It dares appeare and spread , and glister in the World , but evill buries it selfe in night and darknesse , and is chastised and suppressed when good is cherished and rewarded . And as Imbroderers , Lapidaries , and other Artisans , can by all things adorne their workes ; for by adding better things , the better they shew in Lush and in Eminency ; so good doth not onely prostrate her amiablenesse to all , but refuses no end , no not of her utter contrary evill , that shee may bee the more common to us . For euill manners are parents of good Lawes ; and in every evill there is an excellency , which ( in common speech ) we call good . For the fashions of habits , for our moving in gestures , for phrases in our speech , we say they were good as long as they were used , that is , as long as they were common ; and wee eate , wee walke , onely when it is , or seemes good to doe so . All faire , all profitable , all vertuous , is good , and these three things I thinke embrace all things , but their utter contraries ; of which also faire may be rich and vertuous ; poore may bee vertuous and faire ; vitious may be faire and rich ; so that good hath this good meanes to be common , that some subjects she can possesse intirely ; and in subjects poysoned with evill , she can humbly stoop to accompany the evill . And of indifferent things many things are become perfectly good by being common , as customes by use are made binding Lawes . But I remember nothing that is therefore ill , because it is common , but Women , of whom also ; They that are most common , are the best of that Occupation they professe .

V. That all things kill themselves .

TO affect , yea to effect their owne death all living things are importuned , not by Nature only which perfects them , but by Art and Education , which perfects her . Plants quickened and inhabited by the most unworthy soule , which therefore neither will nor worke , affect an end , a perfection , a death ; this they spend their spirits to attaine , this attained , they languish and wither . And by how much more they are by mans Industry warmed , cherished , and pampered ; so much the more early they climbe to this perfection , this death . And if amongst Men not to defend be to kill , what a hainous selfe-murther is it , not to defend it selfe . This defence because Beasts neglect , they kill themselves , because they exceed us in number , strength , and a lawlesse liberty : yea , of Horses and other beasts , they that inherit most courage by being bred of gallantest parents , and by Artificial nursing are bettered , will runne to their owne deaths , neither sollicited by spurres which they need not , nor by honour which they apprehend not . If then the valiant kill himselfe , who can excuse the coward ? Or how shall Man bee free from this , since the first Man taught us this , except we cannot kill our selves , because he kill'd us all . Yet lest something should repaire this Common ruine , we daily kill our bodies with surfeits , and our mindes with anguishes . Of our powers , remembring kils our memory ; Of Affections , Lusting our lust ; Of vertues , Giving kils liberality . And if these kill themselves , they do it in their best & supreme perfection : for after perfection immediately follows excesse , which changeth the natures and the names , and makes them not the same things . If then the best things kill themselves soonest , ( for no affection endures , and all things labour to this perfection ) all travell to their owne death , yea the frame of the whole World , if it were possible for God to be idle , yet because it began , must dye . Then in this idlenesse imagined in God , what could kill the world but it selfe , since out of it , nothing is ?

VI. That it is possible to find some vertue in some Women .

I Am not of that seard Impudence that I dare defend Women , or pronounce them good ; yet we see Physitians allow some vertue in every poyson . Alas ! why should we except Women ? since certainely , they are good for Physicke at least , so as some mine is good for a feaver . And though they be the Occasioners of many sinnes , they are also the Punishers and Revengers of the same sinnes : For I have seldome seene one which consumes his substance and body upon them , escape diseases , or beggery ; and this is their Iustice . And if suum cuique dare , bee the fulfilling of all Civill Iustice , they are most just ; for they deny that which is theirs to no man . Tanquam non liceat nulla puella negat . And who may doubt of great wisdome in them , that doth but observe with how much labour and cunning our Iusticers and other dispensers of the Lawes study to imbrace them : and how zealously our Preachers dehort men from them , onely by urging their subtilties , and policies , and wisedome , which are in them ? Or who can deny them a good measure of Fortitude , if hee consider how valiant men they have overthrowne , and being themselves overthrowne , how much and how patiently they beare ? And though they bee most intemperate , I care not , for I undertooke to furnish them with some vertue , not with all . Necessity , which makes even bad things good , prevailes also for them , for wee must say of them , as of some sharpe pinching Lawes ; If men were free from infirmities , they were needlesse . These or none must serve for reasons , and it is my great happinesse that Examples prove not Rules , for to confirme this Opinion , the World yeelds not one Example .

VII . That Old men are more fantastike then Young .

WHO reads this Paradox but thinks mee more fantastike now , than I was yesterday , when I did not think thus : And if one day make this sensible change in men , what will the burthen of many yeeres ? To bee fantastike in young men is conceiptfull distemperature , and a witty madnesse ; but in old men , whose senses are withered , it becomes naturall , therefore more full and perfect . For as when wee sleepe our fancy is most strong ; so it is in age , which is a slumber of the deepe sleepe of death . They taxe us of Inconstancy , which in themselves young they allowed ; so that reprooving that which they did approove , their Inconstancy exceedeth ours , because they have changed once more then wee . Yea , they are more idlely busied in conceited apparell then wee ; for we , when we are melancholy , weare blacke ; when lusty , greene ; when forsaken , tawney ; pleasing our owne inward affections , leaving them to others indifferent ; but they prescribe lawes , and constraine the Noble , the Scholler , the Merchant , and all Estates to a certaine habit . The old men of our time have changed with patience their owne bodies , much of their lawes , much of their languages ; yea their Religion , yet they accuse us . To be Amorous is proper and naturall in a young man , but in an old man most fantastike . And that ridling humour of Iealousie , which seekes and would not finde , which requires and repents his knowledge , is in them most common , yet most fantastike . Yea , that which falls never in young men , is in them most fantastike and naturall , that is , Covetousness● ; even at their journeyes end to make great provision . Is any habit of young men so fantastike , as in the hottest seasons to be double-gowned or hooded like our Elders ? Or seemes it so ridiculous to weare long haire , as to weare none . Truely , as among the Philosophers , the Skeptike , which doubts all , was more contentious , then either the Dogmatike which affirmes , or Academike which denyes all ; so are these uncertaine Elders , which both cals them fantastike which follow others inventions , and them also which are led by their owne humorous suggestion , more fantastike then other .

VIII . That Nature is our worst Guide .

SHal she be guide to all Creatures , which is her selfe one ? Or if she also have a guide , shall any Creature have a better guide then wee ? The affections of lust and anger , yea even to erre is naturall ; shall we follow these ? Can shee be a good guide to us , which hath corrupted not us onely but her selfe ? Was not the first man , by the desire of knowledge , corrupted even in the whitest integrity of Nature ? And did not Nature ( if Nature did any thing ) infuse into him this desire of knowledge , and so this corruption in him , into us ? If by Nature wee shall understand our essence , our definition , or reason , noblenesse , then this being alike common to all ( the Idiot and the Wizard being equally reasonable ) why should not all men having equally all one nature , follow one course ? Or if we shall understand our inclinations ; alas ! how unable a guide is that which followes the temperature of our slimie bodies ? for we cannot say that we derive our inclinations , our mindes , or soules from our Parents by any way : to say that it is all from all , is error in reason , for then with the first nothing remaines ; or is a part from all , is errour in experience , for then this part equally imparted to many children , would like Gavel-kind lands , in few generations become nothing ; or to say it by communication , is errour in Divinity , for to communicate the ability of communicating whole essence with any but God , is utter blasphemy . And if thou hit thy Fathers nature and inclination , he also had his Fathers , and so climbing up , all comes of one man , and have one nature , all shall imbrace one course ; but that cannot bee , therefore our complexions and whole bodies , wee inherit from Parents ; our inclinations and minds follow that : For our minde is heavy in our bodies afflictions , and rejoyceth in our bodies pleasure : how then shall this nature governe us , that is governed by the worst part of us ? Nature though oft chased away , it will retu●ne ; 't is true , but those good motions and inspirations which be our guides must bee wooed , courted , and welcomed , or else they abandon us . And that old Axiome , nihil invita , &c. must not be said thou shalt , but thou wilt doe nothing against Nature ; so unwilling he notes us to curbe our naturall appetites . Wee call our bastards alwayes our naturall issue , and we define a Foole by nothing so ordinary , as by the name of naturall . And that poore knowledge whereby we conceive what raine is , what wind , what thunder , wee call Metaphysicke , supernaturall ; such small things , such no things doe we allow to our pliant Natures apprehension . Lastly , by following her , we lose the pleasant , and lawfull commodities of this life , for wee shall drinke water and eate rootes , and those not sweet and delicate , as now by Mans art and industry they are made : we shall lose all the necessities of societies , lawes , arts , and sciences , which are all the workemanship of Man : yea we shall lack the last best refuge of misery , Death ; because no death is naturall : for if yee will not dare to call all death violent ( though I see not why sicknesses be not violences ) yet causes of all deaths proceed of the defect of that which nature made perfect , and would preserve , and therefore all against nature .

IX . That only Cowards dare dye .

EXtreames are equally removed from the meane ; so that headlong desperatenesse asmuch offends true valour , as backward Cowardice : of which sort I reckon justly all un-inforced deaths . When will your valiant man dye of necessity ? so Cowards suffer what cannot be avoided : and to runne into death unimportun'd , is to runne into the first condemned desperatenesse . Will he dye when he is rich and happy ? then by living he may doe more good : and in afflictions and miseries , death is the chosen refuge of Cowards . Fortiter ille facit , qui miser esse potest . But it is taught and practised among our Gallants , that rather than our reputations suffer any maime , or we any misery , wee shall offer our brests to the Cannons mouth , yea to our swords points : And this seemes a very brave and a very climbing ( which is a Cowardly , earthly , and indeed a very groveling ) spirit . Why doe they chaine these slaves to the Gallyes , but that they thrust their deaths , and would at every loose leape into the sea ? Why doe they take weapons from condemned men , but to barre them of that ease which Cowards affect , a speedy death . Truely this life is a tempest , and a warfare , and he which dares dye , to escape the anguish of it , seems to mee , but so valiant , as hee which dares hang himselfe , lest hee be prest to the warres . I have seene one in that extremity of melancholy , which was then become madnesse , to make his owne breath an Instrument to stay his breath , and labour to choake himselfe ; but alas ! he was mad . And we knew another that languished under the oppression of a poore disgrace so much , that hee tooke more paines to dye , then would have served to have nourished life and spirit enough to have out-lived his disgrace . What Foole will call this Cowardlinesse , Valour ? or this Basenesse , Humility ? And lastly , of these men which dye the Allegoricall death of entring into Religion , how few are found fit for any shew of valiancy ? but onely a soft and supple metall , made onely fo● Cowardly solitarinesse .

X. That a Wise Man is knowne by much laughing .

RIde , si sapis , ô puella ride ; If thou beest wise , laugh : for since the powers of discourse , reason , and laughter , bee equally proper unto Man onely , why shall not hee be onely most wise , which hath most use of laughing , aswell as he which hath most of reasoning and discoursing ? I alwaies did , and shall understand that Adage ; Per risum multum possis cognoscere stultum , That by much laughing thou maist know there is a foole , not , that the laughers are fooles , but that among them there is some foole , at whom wisemen laugh : which moved Erasmus to put this as his first Argument in the mouth of his Folly , that shee made Beholders laugh : for fooles are the most laughed at , and laugh the least themselves of any . And Nature saw this faculty to bee so necessary in man , that shee hath beene content that by more causes we should be importuned to laugh , then to the exercise of any other power ; for things in themselves utterly contrary , beget this effect ; for wee laugh both at witty and absurd things : At both which sorts I have seen Men laugh so long , and so earnestly , that at last they have wept that they could laugh no more . And therfore the Poet having described the quietnesse of a wise retired man , saith in one , what we have said before in many lines ; Quid facit Canius tuus ? ridet . We have received that even the extremity of laughing , yea of weeping also , hath beene accounted wisedome : And that Democritus and Heraclitus , the lovers of these Extremes , have been called lovers of wisedome . Now among our wisemen I doubt not , but many would be found who would laugh at Heraclitus weeping , none which weepe at Democritus laughing . At the hearing of Comedies or other witty reports , I have noted some , which not understanding ●ests &c. have yet chosen this as the best meanes to seeme wise and understandiug , to laugh when their Companions laugh ; and I have presumed them ignorant , whom I have seene unmoved . A foole if he come into a Princes Court , and see a gay man leaning at the wall , so glistering , and so painted in many colours that he is hardly discerned from one of the pictures in the Arras , hanging his body like an Iron-bound-chest , girt in and thicke ribb'd with broad gold laces , may ( and commonly doth ) envy him . But alas ! shall a wiseman , which may not onely not envy , but not pitty this monster , do nothing ? Yes , let him laugh . And if one of these hot cholerike firebrands , which nourish themselves by quarrelling , and kindling others , spit upon a foole one sparke of disgrace , he , like a thatcht house quickly burning , may bee angry ; but the wiseman , as cold as the Salamander , may not onely not be angry with him , but not be sorry for him ; therefore let him laugh : so he shall be knowne a Man , because he can laugh , a wise Man that hee knowes at what to laugh , and a valiant Man that he dares laugh : for he that laughs is justly reputed more wise , then at whom it is laughed . And hence I thinke proceeds that which in these later formall times I have much noted ; that now when our superstitious civility of manners is become a mutuall tickling flattery of one another , almost every man affecteth an humour of jesting , and is content to be deject , and to deforme himselfe , yea become foole to no other end that I can spie , but to give his wise Companion occasion to laugh ; and to shew themselves in promptnesse of laughing is so great in wisemen , that I thinke all wisemen , if any wiseman do reade this Paradox , will laugh both at it and me .

XI . That the gifts of the Body are better then those of the Minde .

I Say againe , that the body makes the minde , not that it created it a minde , but formes it a good or a bad mind ; and this minde may be confounded with soule without any violence or injustice to Reason or Philosophy : then the soule it seemes is enabled by our body , not this by it . My Body licenseth my soule to see the Worlds beauties through mine eyes ; to heare pleasant things through mine eares ; and affords it apt Organs for the conveiance of all perceivable delight . But alas ! my soule cannot make any part , that is not of it selfe disposed , to see or heare , though without doubt she be as able and as willing to see behind as before . Now if my soule would say , that shee enables any part to taste these pleasures , but is her selfe onely delighted with those rich sweetnesses which her inward eyes and senses apprehend , shee should dissemble ; for I see her often solaced with beauties , which shee sees through mine eyes , and with musicke which through mine eares she heares . This perfection then my body hath , that it can impart to my minde all his pleasures ; and my minde hath still many , that she can neither teach my indisposed part her faculties , nor to the best espoused parts shew it beauty of Angels , of Musicke , of Spheres , whereof she boasts the contemplation . Are chastity , temperance , and fortitude gifts of the mind ? I appeale to Physitians whether the cause of these be not in the body ; health is the gift of the body , and patience in sickenesse the gift of the minde : then who will say that patience is as good a happinesse , as health , when wee must be extremely miserable to purchase this happinesse . And for nourishing of civill societies and mutuall love amongst men , which is our chiefe end while wee are men ; I say , this beauty , presence , and proportion of the body , hath a more masculine force in begetting this love , then the vertues of the minde : for it strikes us suddenly , and possesseth us immoderately ; when to know those vertues requires some Iudgement in him which shall discerne , a long time and conversation betweene them . And even at last how much of our faith and beleefe shall we be driven to bestow , to assure our selves that these vertues are not counterfeited : for it is the same to be , and seeme vertuous , because that he that hath no vertue , can dissemble none , but he which hath a little , may gild and enamell , yea and transforme much vice into vertue : For allow a man to be discreet and flexible to complaints , which are great vertuous gifts of the minde , this discretion will be to him the soule & Elixir of all vertues , so that touched with this , even pride shal be made humility ; and Cowardice , honourable and wise valour . But in things seene there is not this danger , for the body which thou lovest and esteemest faire , is faire ; certainely if it bee not faire in perfection , yet it is faire in the same degree that thy Iudgement is good . And in a faire body , I doe seldome suspect a disproportioned minde , and as seldome hope for a good in a deformed . When I see a goodly house , I assure my selfe of a worthy possessour , from a ruinous weather-beaten building I turn away , because it seems either stuffed with varlets as a Prison , or handled by an unworthy and negligent tenant , that so suffers the waste thereof . And truely the gifts of Fortune , which are riches , are onely handmaids , yea Pandars of the bodies pleasure ; with their service we nourish health , and preserve dainty , and wee buy delights ; so that vertue which must be loved for it selfe , and respects no further end , is indeed nothing : And riches , whose end is the good of the body , cannot be so perfectly good , as the end whereto it levels .

PROBLEMES ,

I. Why have Bastards best Fortune ?

BEcause Fortune herselfe is a Whore , but such are not most indulgent to their issue ; the old naturall reason ( but those meetings in stolne love are most vehement , and so contribute more spirit then the easie and lawfull ) might governe me , but that now I see Mistresses are become dome●tike and in ordinary , and they and wives waite but by turnes , and agree aswell as they had lived in the Arke . The old Morall reason ( that Bastards inherit wickednesse from their Parents , and so are i● a better way to preferment by having a stocke before-hand , then those that build all their fortune upon the poore and weake stocke of Originall sinne ) might prevaile with me , but that since wee are fallen into such times , as now the world might spare the Divell , because she could be bad enough without him . I see men scorne to be wicked by example , or to bee beholding to others for their damnation . It seems reasonable , that since Lawes rob them of succession in civill benefits , they should have something else equivalent . As Nature ( which is Lawes patterne ) having denyed Women Constancy to one , hath provided them with cunning to allure many ; and so Bastards de jure should have better wits and experience . But besides that by experience we see many fooles amongst them , wee should take from them one of their chiefest helpes to preferment , and we should deny them to be fools ; and ( that which is onely left ) that Women chuse worthier men then their husbands , is false de facto , either then it must bee that the Church having removed them from all place in the publike Service of God , they have better meanes then others to be wicked , and so fortunate : Or else because the two greatest powers in this world , the Divell and Princes concurre to their greatnesse ; the one giving bastardy , the other legitimation : As nature frames and conserves great bodies of contraries . Or the cause is , because they abound most at Court , which is the forge where fortunes are made , or at least the shop where they be sold.

II. Why Puritanes make long Sermons ?

IT needs not for perspicuousnesse , for God knowes they are plain enough : nor doe all of them use Sem-briefe-Accents for some of them have crotchets enough . It may bee they intend not to rise like glorious Tapers and Torches , but like Thinne-wretched-sicke-watching-Candles , which languish and are in a Divine Consumption from the first minute , yea in their snuffe , and stink when others are in their more profitable glory . I have thought sometimes , that out of conscience , they allow long measure to course ware . And sometimes , that usurping in that place a liberty to speak freely of Kings , they would raigne as long as they could . But now I thinke they doe it out of a zealous imagination , that , It is their duty to preach on till their Auditory wake .

III. Why did the Divel reserve Iesuites till these latter dayes .

DID he know that our Age would deny the Devils possessing , and therfore provided by these to possesse men and kingdomes ? Or to end the disputation of Schoolemen , why the Divell could not make lice in Egypt ; and whether those things hee presented there , might be true , hath he sent us a true and reall plague , worse than those ten ? Or in ostentation of the greatnesse of his Kingdome , which even division cannot shake , doth he send us these which disagree with all the rest ? Or knowing that our times should discover the Indies , and abolish their Idolatry , doth he send these to give them another for it ? Or peradventure they have beene in the Roman Church these thousand yeeres , though we have called them by other names .

IV. Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours ?

IT is because it is the figure of Youth wherein nature wuld provide as many green , as youth hath affections ; and so present a Sea-green for profuse masters in voyages ; a Grasse-green for sudden new men enobled from Grasiers ; and a Goose-greene for such Polititians as pretend to preserve the Capitol . Or else Prophetically foreseeing an age , wherein they shall all hunt . And for such as misdemeane themselves a Willow-greene ; For Magistrates must aswell have Fasces born before them to chastize the small offences , as Secures to cut off the great .

V. Why doe young Lay-men so much study Divinity .

IS it because others tending busily Churches preferment neglect study ? Or had the Church of Rome shut up all our wayes , till the Lutherans broke downe their uttermost stubborne doores , and the Calvinists picked their inwardest and subtlest lockes ? Surely the Devill cannot be such a Foole to hope that he shall make this study contemptible , by making it common . Nor that as the Dwellers by the River Origus are said ( by drawing infinite ditches to sprinkle their barren Country ) to have exhausted and intercepted their maine channell , and so lost their more profitable course to the sea ; so we , by providing every ones selfe , divinity enough for his own use , should neglect our Teachers and Fathers . Hee cannot hope for better heresies then hee hath had , nor was his Kingdome ever so much advanced by debating Religion ( though with some aspersions of Error ) as by a dull and stupid security , in which many grose things are swallowed . Possible out of such an ambition as we have now , to speake plainely and fellow-like with Lords and Kings , wee thinke also to acquaint our selves with Gods secrets : Or perchance when we study it by mingling humane respects , It is not Divinity .

VI. Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules ?

IT is agreed that wee have not so much from them as any part of either our mortall soules of sense , or growth ; and we deny soules to others equal to them in all but in speech for which they are beholding to their bodily instruments : For perchance an Oxes heart , or a Goates , or a Foxes , or a Serpents would speake just so , if it were in the breast , and could move that tongue and jawes . Have they so many advantages and meanes to hurt us ( for , ever their loving destroyed us ) that we dare not displease them , but give them what they will ? And so when some call them Angels , some Goddesses , and the Palpulian Heretikes made them Bishops , wee descend so much with the streame , to allow them soules ? Or doe we somewhat ( in this dignifying of them ) flatter Princes and great Personages that are so much governed by them ? Or do we in that easinesse and prodigality , wherein we daily lose our owne soules to we care not whom , so labour to perswade our selves , that sith a woman hath a soule , a soule is no great matter ? Or doe wee lend them soules but for use , since they for our sakes , give their soules againe , and their bodies to boote ? Or perchance because the Deuill ( who is all soule ) doth most mischiefe , and for convenience and proportion , because they would come neerer him , wee allow them some soules ; and so as the Romanes naturalized some Provinces in revenge , and made them Romans , onely for the burthen of the Common-wealth ; so we have given women soules onely to make them capable of damnation ?

VII . Why are the Fairest , Falsest ?

I Meane not of false Alchimy Beauty , for then the question should be inverted , Why are the Falsest , Fairest ? It is not onely because they are much solicited and sought for , so is gold , yet it is not so common ; and this suite to them , should teach them their value , and make them more reserved . Nor is it because the delicatest blood hath the best spirits , for what is that to the flesh ? perchance such constitutions have the best wits , and there is no proportionable subject , for Womens wit , but deceipt ? doth the minde so follow the temperature of the body , that because those complexions are aptest to change , the mind is therefore so ? Or as Bells of the purest metall retaine their tinkling and sound largest ; so the memory of the last pleasure lasts longer in these , and disposeth them to the next . But sure it is not in the complexion , for those that doe but thinke themselves faire , are presently inclined to this multiplicity of loves , which being but faire in conceipt are false in deed : and so perchance when they are borne to this beauty , or have made it , or have dream'd it , they easily beleeve all addresses and applications of every man , out of a sense of their owne worthinesse to bee directed to them , which others lesse worthy in their owne thoughts apprehend not , or discredit . But I thinke the true reason is , that being like gold in many properties ( as that all snatch at them , but the worst possesse them , that they care not how deepe we dig for them , and that by the Law of 〈◊〉 , Occupandi conceditur ) they would be like also in this , that as Gold to make it selfe of use admits allay , so they , that they may bee tractable , mutable , and currant , have to their allay Falshood .

VIII . Why Venus-starre onely doth cast a shadow ?

IS it because it is neerer the earth ? But they whose profession it is to see that nothing be done in heaven without their consent ( as Re — saies in himselfe of Astrologers ) have bid Mercury to be neerer . Is it because the workes of Venus want shadowing , covering , and disguising ? But those of Mercury need it more ; for Eloquence , his Occupation , is all shadow and colours ; let our life bee a sea , and then our reason and even passions are winde enough to carry us whether we should goe , but Eloquence is a storme and tempest that miscarries : and who doubts that Eloquence which must perswade people to take a yoke of soveraignty ( and then beg and make lawes to tye them faster , and then give money to the invention , repaire and strengthen it ) needs more shadowes and colouring , then to perswade any Man or Woman to that which is naturall . And Venus markets are so naturall , that when we solicite the best way ( which is by marriage ) our perswasions worke not so much to draw a woman to us , as against her nature to draw her from all other besides . And so when we go against nature , and from Venus-work ( for marriage is chastity ) we need shadowes and colours , but not else . In Seneca's time it was a course , an un-Romane and a contemptible thing even in a Matrone , not to have had a Love beside her husband , which though the Law required not at their hands , yet they did it zealously out of the counsell of custome and fashion , which was venery of supererogation : Et te spectator plusquam delectat Adulter , saith Martial : And Horace , because many lights would not shew him enough , created many Images of the same Object by wainscoting his chamber with looking-glasses : so that Veuus flies not light , so much as Mercury , who creeping into our understanding , our darkenesse would be defeated , if he were perceived . Then either this shadow confesseth that same darke Melancholy Repentance which accompanies ; or that so violent fires , needs some shadowy refreshing , and intermission : Or else light signifying both day and youth , and shadow both night and age , she pronounceth by this that she professeth both all persons and times .

IX . Why is Venus-star multinominous , called both Hesperus and Vesper ?

THe Moone hath as many names , but not as she is a starre , but as shee hath divers governments ; but Venus is multinominous to give example to her prostitute disciples , who so often , either to renew or refresh themselves towards lovers , or to disguise themselves from Magistrates , are to take new names . It may bee she takes new names after her many functions , for as she is supreme Monarch of all Sunnes at large ( which is lust ) so is she joyned in commission with all Mythologicks , with Iuno , Diana , and all others for marriage . It may be because of the divers names to her selfe , for her affections have more names than any vice : scilicet ; Pollution , Fornication , Adultery , Lay-Incest , Church-Incest , Rape , Sodomy , Mastupration , Masturbation , and a thousand others . Perchance her divers names shewed her appliablenesse to divers men , for Neptune distilled and wet her in love , the Sunne warmes and melts her , Mercury perswaded and swore her , Iupiters authority secured , and Vulcan hammer'd her . As Hesperus she presents you with her bonum utile , because it is wholesomest in the morning : As Vesper with her bonum delectabile , because it is pleasantest in the evening . And because industrious men rise and indure with the Sunne in their civill businesses , this Starre calls them up a little before , and remembers them againe a little after for her businesse ; for certainely , Venit Hesperus , ite capellae : was spoken to Lovers in the persons of Goates .

X. Why are New Officers least oppressing ?

MVst the old Proverbe , that Old dogs bite sorest , be true in all kinde of dogs ? Me thinkes the fresh memory they have of the mony they parted with for the place , should hasten them for the re-imbursing : And perchance they doe but seeme easier to their suiters ; who ( as all other Patients ) doe account all change of paine , easie . But if it bee so , it is either because the sodain sense & contentment of the honor of the place , retards and remits the rage of their profits , and so having stayed their stomackes , they can forbeare the second course a while : Or having overcome the steepest part of the hill , and clambered above Competitions and Oppositions they dare loyter , and take breath : Perchance being come from places , where they tasted no gaine , a little seemes much to them at first , for it is long before a Christian conscience overtakes , or straies into an Officers heart . It may be that out of the generall disease of all men not to love the memory of a predecessor , they seeke to disgrace them by such ea●inesse , and make good first impressions , that so having drawen much water to their Mill , they may afterwards grind at ease : For if from the rules of good Horse-manship , they thought it wholesome to jet out in a moderate pace , they should also take up towards their journeys end , not mend their pace continually , and gallop to their Innes-doore , the grave ; except perchance their conscience at that time so touch them , that they thinke it an injury and damage both to him that must sell , and to him that must buy the Office after their death , and a kind of dilapidation if they by continuing honest should discredit the place , and bring it to a lower-rent , or vnder-vaine .

FINIS .