[A nest of ninnies Simply of themselues without compound. Stultorum plena sunt omnia. By Robert Armin.]

A nest of Ninnies .

THe world wanton sick , as one s●n setting on sinne ( in morning pleasures , noone banquets , after riots , nights moriscoes , midnights modicoms , and abundance of trash trickt vp to all turbulent reuellings ) is now leaning on her elbow , deuising what Doctour may deliuer her , what Phisicke may frée her , and what antidotes may antissipate so dangerous a Dolemma , shee now begins to grow bucksome as a lightning before death , and gsd shée will , riches her chamberlaine could not kéepe her in , beauty her bed-fellow was bold to perswade her , and sléepy securitie mother of all mischiefe , tut her prayers was but méere prattle : out she would , tucks vp her trinkets like a Dutch Tannikin sliding to market on the ise and away she flings , and whither thinck you , not to the Law , that was too loud , not to the Church that was too proud , not to the Court , that was too stately , nor to the Cittie , shée was there lately , nor to the Campe , that was too kéene , no nor to the Country where seldome séene : shée daines her a friendly eye : but of all into a Philosophers cell , who because he was alwayes poking at Fortune with his forefinger , the wise wittely namde him Sotto , as one besotted , a grumbling sir , one that was wise enough , and fond enough , and solde all for a glasse prospectiue , because hée would wisely sée into all men but himselfe , a fault generall in most , but such was his , who thus busied was tooke napping by the weale publike , who smiles vpon him with a wapper eye , a iealous countenance , and bids him all haile mistresse ( sayes Sotto ) I will not say welcome , because you come ill to him that would bée alone , but since you are come , looke for such entertainement as my folly fits you with , that is , sharp sauce with bitter dyet , no swéetnes at al , for that were to mingle your pils with sugar , no , I am all one , Winter in the head , and frost in the foot , no Summer in me but in my smiles , and that as soone gone as smiles , the bauble I play with , is mens estates , which I so tumble from hand to hand , that weary with it I sée ( gluttingly and grieuedly , yet mingled with smiles too ) in my glasse prospectiue , what shall become of it : the world curling her locks with her fingers , and anone scratching her braine with her itching pin , as one little regarding answeres what then : marry sayes Hodge i' le show thée . Sée world in whose bosome euer hath abundance béene powred , what thy imps of impietie bée , for as they ( I ) all for the most part , as these which I will present to thée in my glasse prospectiue , mark them well , and sée what thou bréedest in thy wantonnesse , sixe Children like thée , not the Father that begat them , where were they nursed , in folly ? fed with the flottin milke of nicetie and wattonnesse , curdled in thy wombe of water and bloud , vnseasoned , because thy mother bearing temper was euer vntrue , farre from the rellish of right bréede , and it is hard that the taste of one Apple should distaste the whole lumpe of this defused Chaios , but marke me and my glasse , sée into some ( and in them thy selfe ) whom I haue discride , or describde these sixe parts of folly in thée , thou shalt sée them as cleare as day , how mistie thy clouds be , and what rancknesse raines from them .

The world queasie stomackt , as one fed with the earths nectar and delicates with the remembrance of her owne appetite squinies at this and lookes as one scorning , yet beholding what will follow , at length espies a tall blacke man , ●earing like himselfe , a foole in motley , muckinder hunge , euer and anon wipes his nose , at whose girdle hangde a small black iack of a quart , his vsual draft , his finger on his tongue as if he blamde Nature that cut not the strings of it in more large manner , but hindred by defect hée still did gesse at wisedome , though seldome attaining it . Well , he was gouty , bigge , poste legged , and of yéeres something many , as in the right sequell followeth .

This Foole was tall , his face small , His beard was big and blacke , His necke was short , inclind to sport , Was this our dapper Iack . Of nature curst , yet not the worst , Was nastie , giuen to sweare , Toylesome euer , his endeauour Was delight in Beare . Goutie great , of conceit Apt , and full of fauour , Curst , yet kinde , and inclinde To spare the wise mans labour . Knowne to many , loude of any , Cause his trust was truth , Seene in toyes , apt to ioyes , To please with tricks of youth , Writh'd i' th knees , yet who sees Faults that hidden be ? Calfe great , in whose conceit Lay much game and glee . Bigge i' th small , ancle all , Footed broad and long , In Motly cotes , goes Iacke Oates , Of whom I sing this song .

The world ready to disgorge at so homely a present , askt if it were possible such breathde hers to commaund , oh saith our Philosophicall Hodge , heare his iests , and what an vnknowne habite liues in him , then returne iudgement , marke our application .

IAck Oates sitting at Cardes all alone , was dealing to himselfe at Uide ruffe ( for that was the game he ioyed in ) and as he spide a Knaue : Ah knaue art there , quoth he : When he spide a King , King by your leaue , quoth he : if hee spied a Quéene Quéene Richard art come , quoth he : and would knéele downe and bid God blesse her Maiestie ( meaning indéede the then Quéene , whom he heard Sir William Hollis his Maister so much to pray for : But héere is the Iest , Iack as I say , being at Cardes all alone , spying a Knaue , and saying , Ah Knaue art there : A simple Seruingman being in the Hall waighting his maisters comming , walking by , & hearing him say so , thought he had called him Knaue , tooke the matter in dudgin , and miscalled the Foole : another Seruingman more foolish then both , took Iacks part , so that in short time they two fell together by the eares : who being parted , Iack Oates giues them each one a hand , and so takes them into the Buttry to drinke : the Knight comes in , seeing the Hall not yet quiet , askt the mateer : Iack comes , I le tell thée Willy , quoth hée : As I was a playing at Cardes , one séeing I wonne all I playd for , would néedes haue the Knaue frommée , which as very a Knaue as hée séeing , would néeds beare him Knaue for company : so to bid them both welcome to thy house , I haue bin to intreat the Knaue thy Butler to make them drinke . I sayes Sir William , and you like a knaue made them fall out . I answered Iack , and your drinke Sir knaue made them friends . Sir William laughing , departed .

NEwes came to Sir William that such a Nobleman was comming to his house , great prouision was made for his welcome : and amongst all Iack Oates put on his new Motley coate , cleane Muckender , and his new shooes . Much preparation , was made , which were too long to tell , for I le assure ye it was one of the greatest Earles in England , vnfit to name here : but the Knight and his Ladie met him at the gate to entertaine him : Sir William with a low congy saluted him , the good Lady , as is the Courtly custom , was kist of this Noble man : Iack Oates séeing him kisse his Ladie , on the sodaine giues the Earle a sound box on the eare , knaue ( quoth he ) kisse Sir Willies wife ? the good Knight amazed at this , caused him to be whipt : but the kinde Noble man knowing simplicitie the ground of his errour , would not suffer it , but putting it vp , left him and entred the house . Iack séeing they were sad , and he had done amisse , had this wit in simplicitie to shadow it : he comes after and askt the Earle wher his hand was ? Here ( quoth he ) with that he shakes him by it , and sayes , I mistooke it before , knowing not your eare from your hand being so like one another : Iack thought hée had mended the matter , but now he was whipt indéede , and had his payment altogether . Thus fooles thinking to be wise , become flat foolish , but all is one , Iack neuer repented him .

AT a Christmas time , when great logs furnish the Hall fire : when Brawne is in season , & indéede all Reueling is regarded : this gallant knight kept open house for all commers , where béefe , béere , and bread was no niggard . Amongst all the pleasures prouided , a Noyse of Minstrells , and a Lincolnshire Bagpipe was prepared : the Minstrels for the great Chamber , the Bagpipe for the Hall : the Minstrels to serue vp the Knights meate , and the Bagpipe for the common dauncing . Iack could not endure to bée in the common Hall , for indéede the foole was a little proudly minded , and therefore was altogether in the great Chamber at my Ladies or Sir Williams elbow . One time being very melancholy , the Knight to rouse him vp , saide , hence foole , I le haue another foole , thou shalt dwell no longer with me : Iack to this answered little , though indéede ye could not anger him worse : A Gentleman at the boord answers , if it please you sir I le bring ye another foole soone : I pray ye do ( quoth the knight ) and he shall bée welcome . Iack fell a crying , and departed mad and angry down into the great Hall : and being strong armed ( as before I described him , caught the Bagpipes from the piper , knockt them about his pate , that he laid the fellow for dead on the ground , and all broken carries the pipes vp into the great Chamber , and layes them on the fire . The Knight knowing by Iack , that something was amisse , sends downe to sée : newes of this iest came , the knight angry ( but to no purpose , for he loued the foole aboue all , and that the houshold knew , else Iack had paid for it , for the common peoples dauncing was spoiled ) sent downe Iack , and bad him out of his sight : Iack cryes hang sir Willy , hang sir Willy & departes .

Sir William not knowing how to amend the matter , caused the Piper to be carried to bed , who was very ill : and said I would now giue a gold noble for a foole indéede to anger him throughly : one of the Minstrels whispers a Gentleman in the eare , and said , if it pleased him hée would , whereat the Gentleman laught : the Knight demaunded the reason of his laughing , I pray you tell mée ( quoth he ) for laughing could neuer come in a better time , the foole hath madded me . If it please you ( sayes the Gentleman ) here is a good fellow will goe and attire him in one of his coates , and can in all poynts behaue himselfe naturally like such a one : it is good sayes the Knight ) and I prethée good fellow about it , and one goe call Iack Oates hether , that wée may hold him with talk in the meane time .

The simple minstrell thinking to worke wonders , as one ouerioyed at the good opportunitie , threw his Fiddle one way , his stick another and his case the third way , and was in such a case of ioy , that it was no boot to bid him make hast , but proud of the knights fauor away he flings , as if he went to tak possession of some great Lordship , but what ere he got by it , I am sure his Fiddle with the fall fell in péeces , which grieued his maister so that in loue and pittie he laughed till the water ran downe his chéekes : beside this good knight was like to kéepe a bad Christmas , for the Bagpipes and the Musike went to wracke , the one burnt , and the other broken .

In comes Iack Oates and ( being merry ) told the knight and the rest , that a Country-wench in the Hall had eaten Garlicke and there was seauentéene men poysoned with kissing her : for it was his vse to iest thus : by and by comes in a Messenger ( one of the Knights men ) to tell him that such a Gentleman had sent his foole to dwell with him . Hée is welcome sayes the Knight , for I am weary of this foole , goe bid him come in , Iack bid him welcome : they all laught to sée Iacks colour come and goe , like a wise man ready to make a good end : What say you to this saies the Knight ? not one word sayes Iack . They tinged with a knife at the bottome of a glasse , as toulling the bell for the Foole , who was spéechlesse and would dye ( then which , nothing could more anger him ) but now the thought of the new come Foole so much mooued him , that hée was as dead as a doore nayle : standing on tip-toe looking toward the doore to behold his ariuall , that he would put his nose out of ioynt .

By and by enters my artificiall Foole in his old cloaths , making wry mouthes , dauncing , & looking a squint : who when Iack beheld , sodainely he flew at him , and so violently beate him , that all the Table rose , but could scarce get him off : well , off he was at length , the Knight caused the broken ones to be by themselues . My poore Minstrell with a fall had his head broke to the skull against the ground , his face scratcht , that which was worst of all his left eye put out , and withall so sore brused , that he could neyther stand nor goe : the knight caused him to bée laide with the Pyper , who was also hurt in the like conflict , who lackt no good looking to , because they miscarryed in the Knights seruice : but euer after Iack Oates could not endure to heare any talke of another Foole to be there , and the Knight durst not make such a motion . The Pyper and the Minstrel being in bed together , one cryed O his backe and face : the other , O his face and eye : the one cryed O his Pype : the other , O his fiddle , Good musicke or broken consorts they agrée well together : but when they were well , they were contented for their paines : they had both money and the knights fauour . Here you haue heard the difference twixt a Flat foole naturall , and a flat foole artificiall , one that did his kinde , and the other who foolishly followed his owne minde : on which two is written this Rime .

Naturall Fooles , are prone to selfe conceipt : Fooles artificiall , with their wits lay wayte To make themselues Fooles , liking the disguise , To feede their owne mindes , and the gazers eyes . Hee that attempts daunger , and is free , Hurting himselfe ; being well cannot see : Must with the Fidler heere weare the Fooles coates , And bide his pennance sign'd him by Iack Oates . All such say I , that vse flat Foolerie , Beare this , beare more ; this flat Fooles companie .

IAck Oates could neuer abide the Cooke , by reason that he would scald him out of the Kitchin . Upon a time he had a great charge from his Lady to make her a Quince Pie of purpose for Sir Williams owne eating , which the Cooke endeuoured to doe , and sent to Lincolne of purpose to the Apothecaries for choyse Quinces : Iack being at this charge giuen , thought to be euen with the Cooke , and waited the time when this Pie was made : it hapned so the Cooke could get no Quinces , my Lady ( for it was the Knights desire to haue one ) sent about to Boston , and all the chiefe townes , but all in vaine , the season serued not : but rather then sir William should be vnfurnished , sent to Lincolne againe to buy vp many Quinces ready preserued at Pothecaries , which shée had , though with great cost . The Knight asking his Lady for his pie , she told him with much adoe she had preuailed , but with no little paines in séeking Quinces , for she was faine to buy them ready preserued , & to make a vertue of necessity that way . Sir William séeing it was so , said it should bée as well eaten , and sent for his Friends , Gentlemen , and others of no small account . There was other great cheare prouided to furnish vp this sumptuous Feast , and as he inuited them , hée tolde them it was a Quince Pie , which he would haue eaten : the day drew on , and the Gentiles were come , and all was in a redinesse , and still Iack forgat not the Pie , but stood faintly sicke , and refused his meate : the Knight sory that his best dish fayled him , made no small account of his well fare , askt him : Iack , sayes hée , Where lyes thy paine ? In my mouth sayes hée ( meaning indéede his mouth hung for the Quince Pie ) a Barber was sent for from a Market towne hard by , who searcht his mouth and could finde no cause of paine : but sir William thinking the Foole wanted wit to tell his griefe ( though not wit to play the théefe ) bad the Barber depart , as king Iack what hée would eate ? He sayd nothing : What he would drinke : Hée said nothing : which made sir William doubt much of his health , refusing his liquor , when it was vsually his practise , and the Knight ioyed in it too : askt him if he would lie downe ? still answering no ; but would stand by the Kitchin fire . The Knight that knew he neuer came there but he did some exployte , forgetting that , led him by the hand ( so much he made of him ) and bad the Cooke sée he wanted nothing . Iack standing still , groand & sayd : If he dyed , he would forgiue all the world but the Cooke . Hang Foole ( sayes the Cooke ) I care not for thée , die to morrow if thou wilt , and so followed his busines . They knockt to the Dresser , and the dinner went vp : Iack had a shéepes eye in the Ouen : anone the second course came , the Pie was drawne , set by & among other backt meates was to be sent vp , but wanting Suger , stept aside to the spicerie to fetch it , and Iack in the meane time catcheth the Pie and claps it vnder his coate , and so runs through the Hall into the Yard , where was a broad Moate , and as he ran , the hot Pie burned his belly : I sayes Iack are yée so hot Sir Willies Pie . I le quence . ye anone sir Willies Pie sayes he , and straight very subtilly leapes into the Moate vp to the arme pits , and there stood eating the Pie . The Cooke comes in , misses the Pie , withal misses Iack , cryes out , the Pie : sir Williams Pie was gone , the Author of that feast was gone , and they all were vndone : a hurly burly went through the house , and one comes and whispers the Lady with the newes : shée tels sir William how Iack Oates had stolen the Pie . Iack was searcht for , and anon found in the Moate . It was told the Knight where the Foole was eating it : Gentlemen ( quoth he ) we are dissurnished of our feast , for Iack my Foole is in my Moate vp to the arme-pits eating of the Pie . They laught and ran tothe windows to sée the iest : there they might see Iack eate , the Cooke call , the people hallow , but to no purpose : Iack fed & féeding gréedily ( more to anger the Cooke , then disapoint sir William ) euer as hée burnt his mouth with hast dipt the Pie in the water to coole it : O sayes the Cooke it is Sir Williams owne Pie sirra : O sayes Iack hang thée and Sir Willy too I care not , it is mine now : saue Sir William some sayes one , saue my Lady some sayes another : by Iames not a bit sayes Iack , and eate vp all , to the wonder of the beholders , who neuer knew him eate so much before , but drincke ten times more : at length out comes Iack dropping dry , and goes to get fire to dry him : the Knight and the rest all laught a good at the iest , not knowing how to amend it . Sir William sends for the Cooke , who came vp with a sorrowfull hart , and lamentably complayning , said it was the Knights fault for placing him in the Kitchin , where he neuer was but hée did like villany . The Knight not satisfied with the Cookes answere , presently discharges him of his seruice , and sent him to liue else where : goe sayes he , trusse vp your trinkets and be gone , the Cooke séeing no remedy departed .

Iack being dry vp he comes , and knowing he had offended , tels a iest ( for it was his manner so to doe ) how a yong man brake his codpéece point , and let all bée séene that God sent him , or such fooleries , but that was not enough , and to chide him was to make of things worse then t was , and to no purpose neither . Sir William demaunded why hée eate the Pye : because I had a stomacke sayes Iack : would nought else serue sayes the Knight but my Pye ? No Willy sayes he thou would not be angry then , and the Cooke had not béene turnd away : but all is well thou art rich inough to buy more . The Knight perceiuing the fooles enuie , sent for the Cooke , and did let him enioy his place againe . So all parties well pleased but the yong big-bellied woman , who perchance longed for this long looked for Pye , but if she did though long lookt for comes at last , yet they shoote short that ayme to hit this marke , for Iack Oates had eaten the Pye and serued himselfe . This was a flat foole , yet now & then a blinde man may hit a Crow , and you know a flooles boult is soone shot , out it goes happen how it will , had Iack kept his owne counsell the Cooke had béene still out of seruice , and had béene reuenged , but now being in his place againe may liue to cry quittance for the Quince Pye .

These quoth the world , are pretty toyes : I quoth the Phylosopher , but marke the applyance . By Iack Oates is Morrally meant , many discribed like him , though not Fooles naturall yet most artificiall , they carde hence what their Parents spin , and doe such Apish tricks , that rapine , ruine and a thousand inconueniences follow . By the knight is meant maintainers of Foolery : by the Hall , the Inne where the cards of vanity causeth many to be bewitcht as appeares in the seruing men , who busie in others braules are as easily made friends as they were set together by the eares . By the second is meant reach at Stars , ayming at honour , lighting somtime on the eare of memory , but ill taken because badly ment , is rewarded with a deserued whipping . By the third is cald to question most that musically fret their time out in idle baubling , and will become artificiall Fooles to outhraue Fooles indéede , but stick often in their owne quick-sands , and are got out with repentance . But the fourth and last shewes the deuouring of deuotions dyet , how euer come by yet they will stand vp to the arme-pits in daunger rather then to lacke their wils , to slacke or rebate the edge of their appetites : with this the world a little humde and haide , said shée was not pleased that such liued and did promise some amendment , but desired to sée further .

NOw our Philosophicall Poker pokte on , and poynted to a strange shew , the flat Foole not so tall , but this fat Foole as low , whose discription runs in méeter thus :

This Fat Foole was a Scot borne , brought vp In Sterlin , twenty miles from Edinborough : Who being but young , was for the King caught vp ▪ Ser'ud this Kings Father all his life time through . A yard high and a nayle no more his stature , Smooth fac't , fayre spoken , yet vnkinde by nature . Two yards in compasse and a nayle I reade Was he at forty yeeres , since when I heard not Nor of his life or death , and further heede Since I neuer read , I looke not , nor regard not , But what at that time Iemy Camber was , As I haue heard I le write , and so let passe . His head was small , his hayre long on the same , One eare was bigger then the other farre : His fore-head full , his eyes shinde like a flame , His nose flat , and his beard small , yet grew square , His lips but little , and his wit was lesse , But wide of mouth , few teeth I must confesse . His middle thicke , as I haue said before , Indifferent thighes and knees , but very short : His legs be square , a foote long and no more , Whose very presence made the King much sport . And a pearle spoone he still wore in his cap , To eate his meate he lou'd , and got by hap A pretty little foote , but a big hand , On which he euer wore rings rich and good : Backward well made as any in that land , Though thicke , and he did come of gentle bloud , But of his wisedome ye shall quickly heare , How this Fat Foole was made on euery where .

The world smiling at this Rime describing so vnséemly a portackt , gaue leaue to the rest , and desired greatly to be satisfied with somthing done , as one longing to know what so round trust a lump could performe , the poking arts maister tels his doing thus .

WHen the King and Nobles of Scotland had welcommed Iemy Camber to the Court , who was their countryman borne in Sterlin , but twenty miles from Edinborough , this Kings birth towne , as Greenwich was our late Quéenes . They reasoned with him to vnderstand his wit , which indéed was iust none at all , yet merry & pleasing , whereat the King reioyced , and séeing he was so fat , caused his Doctors and Phisitians to minister to him , but Phisick could not alter nature , and he would neuer be but a S. Vincents Turnip , thicke & round . Wherefore the Doctors perswaded his grace , that the purging of the Sea was good for him : Well nothing was vndone that might bée done to make Iemy Camber a tall little slender man . When yet he lookt like a Norfolke dumpling , thicke and short . Well to Léeth was he sent , which is the harbour towne of such ships as ariue at Edinborough : néerer they cannot come , which is some mile from the Citie . To sea they put in a ship , at whose departure they discharged Ordinance , as one that departed from the land with the Kings fauour : the Earle Huntly was sent with him to sea , to accompany him , so high he was estéemed with the King . Who hearing the Ordinance goe off , would aske what doe they now ? Marry saies the Earle , they shoot at our enimies : O sayes hée , hit I pray God , Againe they discharge , what do they now quoth hée ? marry now the enimie shoots at vs. O misse I pray God ( sayes Iemy Camber ) so euer after it was a Iest in the Scottish Court , hit or misse quoth Iemy Camber : that if a maide had a Barne , and did pennance at the Crosse in the high Towne of Edinborough : what hath shée done ? did she hit or misse ? she hath hit sayes the other , better she had mist sayes the first : and so long time after this Jest was in memory , yea I haue heard it my selfe , and some will talke of it at this day . Well to Sea they put on a faire Sun-shine day , where Iemy stood fearefull of euery calme billow , where it was no boote to bid him tell what the ship was made of , for he did it deuoutly : but sée the chance , a sodaine flaw or gust rose , the winds held strong East and by West , and the ship was in great danger , insomuch as the Earle , Maister and all began to feare the weather : by and by a stronger gale blew and split their maine Maste , and gaue their ship a mighty leake , insomuch as the crack made them all scréek out : which Iemy hearing was almost dead with feare : some fell to pumping , others on their knées to praying . But the fat Foole séeing themselues in this daunger , thought there was no way but one with them , and was halfe dead with feare , in the end the winde turned , and the raging of the Sea began to cease : I warrant thée now ( quoth the Maister ) Iemy wée shall not bée drowned : I , will ye warrant vs , sayes the Foole ? I sayes the Maister , I le giue thée my ship for thy Chaine , if wée bée drowned : beare witnesse my Lord sayes hée , a plaine bargaine , and with-that threw the Maister his Chaine , who would haue giuen it to the Earle , but ioy of their escape made him delight in the Iest , and therefore the Maister inioyed his bargaine . With much adoe they attained thether againe , where the king fearefull before , awayted their landing now , and séeing Iemy not a iot lesse of body then hée was ( onely lightned of his Chaine ) how now , quoth hée , how dost thou man ? O sayes Iemy , well now King , but ill had not the Maister béene , who warranted our liues for my Chaine , the best bargaine that euer I made , for no way could I haue béen a looser : how sayes the King ? marry I le tell thée King , quoth he , say we had béene drowned , his ship was forfeit to me for my chaine , Earle Huntly was a witnesse to the bargaine : and now we are not drowned , for my chaine did warrant our liues of the master : nay sayes the Earle not our liues , none but yours Iemy , our liues were as safe vnwarranted without a chaine . With this the foole had some féeling of sence and on a sodaine cryed out mainly for his chaine againe , which was restored to him by the Maister , but hée lost nothing by that , for hée attayned to a suit , as the story sayes , that he had beene thrée yéeres about . Thus the King and Nobles went to Edenborough merrily talking of their feare and welfare .

IEmy this fat foole vsed euery day to goe from the Abbey in the low towne , vp the hill into the Citie of Edenborough , and one euening aboue the rest , he met with a broken Uirgin , one that had had a barne ( as there they are knowne by their attire ) wearing a loose kerchiefe hanging downe backward , she I say cryed sallets , as thus : buy any Cibus Salletea . Iemy desirous of Sallets , calles her to him , lasse sayes he what shall I giue thée for a good sallet ? faire sir sayes the wench ( for shée knew him for the Kings foole , and she could not please him better then to call him fayre sir ) you giue me an atchison now he hauing nothing but sixe French Crownes about him , canst thou change mée a Crowne sayes he ? yea sir sayes shée : he giues her a French Crowne , & she gaue him a sallet for it , & shée went her way .

Iemy thinks it was much to giue a crowne for that , for which she did demaund but an atchison : which in our money is but thrée farthings he runnes after and sayes , she had his fayrest crowne , but sayes he giue mée that and take your choyce of these : thinking by that deuise to get the first Crowne againe . Will ye chaunge sayes the lasse ? I sayes the foole : so she takes all the fiue and giues him one againe , and so laughing at his folly , goes her way , it was in vaine to exclayme , for they will hold fast what they get : but my fat foole goes home to eate his Sallet , and inuites the King to a déere dish , and made him laugh heartely at the iest : The King calles for Uiniger to his Sallet , because his swéet meate should haue sower sauce , and perswaded him it was well bought , otherwise if the foole had repented his bargaine , it was his manner to cry for his mony againe , yet with it all the Court could not quiet him .

BEtwixt Edenborough Abbey the Kings place & Léeth , there stands an euen plaine gréene Meddow , in which the King vsed most of his sports : amongst which hée rode thether one day to run at the Gloue , or the King , as his Grace should please . With him rides Iemy Camber on a trotting Mule : it was then a meruailous hot day . O ( saies Iemy ) how cold the weather is ( so wise hée was that hée scarce knew hot from colde No sayes the King it is hot , looke how I sweat . No sayes Iemy the Sunne blowesvery colde . No sayes the King , the winde shines very hot . The Foole was almost angry to be crossed and said , hée would be hanged at night if hée did sweat that day : with this merry talke they rode on : but one of the Kings footemen hearing this , told the King at their returne hée would make his Grace laugh hartely : so the King very gallantly ranne that time , and neuer mist the gloue , and so did the Lords : which Iemy séeing said it was nothing to doe : The King bad him runne , he did so : but the Gloue lay still , and Iemy could not doe it .

The Kings footman ( that watcht to do him a good turne ) said , Iemy could doe it better blindfold : what can he quoth the King , I will neuer beléeue it : you shall sée else quoth he , whereat Iemy marueiled much that without sight a man could doe that which with all his might and sight he could not doe , was desirous to make tryall , so was blinded with a scarfe , while another tooke vp the gloue , and was ready for the iest : Iemy runs , now for my Maistris saies hée , they all shout aloud & cry rarely well done , and one vnblindes him , while another puts the gloue on the speare . So simple hée was , that he thought it was strange , & bragged all that day not a little , the king did alight and went to drinke wine at the Lord H●mes house , and Iemy went with him , while the footeman had time to worke his will , and mingling a conceit with butter ( which I will not name , least some one should practise the like ) clapt it vnder the saddle , and as they rode to Edenborough , sayes the King what say you to the weather now Iemy ? mée thinks it is hotter then it was ? nay it is colder sayes he for I begin to sweat .

The trotting of this Mule made the mingled confection lather so , that it got into his bréeches , & wrought vp to the crowne of his head , & to the sole of his foote , and so he sweat profoundly : still he wipt and he wipt , sweating more and more , they laught a good to sée him in that taking : now you must be hanged quoth the King as your bargaine was , for you sweat very much : what remedie sayes hée , I am content to be hanged but while I liue after , I le neuer beléeue cold weather will make on sweat : no more will I sayes the King , but hot weather will . Not or cold , sayes Iemy , I am warme now I am sure , I would I were ouer head and eares in some riuer to coole mée So simple he was that he knew not whether it was the sunne or the winde made him sweat : at night the King caused him to be washt and perfumed , yet he was scarce swéet twentie dayes after . Thus this fat foole chaft , but not in his owne grease .

Iemy , who was as you haue heard , a tall low man , and was swift of foote , on a time challenged the Kings best foot-man , for a wager to run with him from the Abbey vp the hil to Cannegate ( which stood entring to Edenborough , as Ludgate doth to London , and the Kings place about Temple-barre ) the King being told of this challenge , thought it would be good sport to sée it performed , still perswaded Iemy to dare his Foote-man , who before denyed him , and knew Fooles would talke any thing though far vnfit to performe any thing . Still the King would say hée was made nimble to runne , and askt euery Noble-mans iudgement , who likewise soothed the King : it was so that they made him beléeue hée was swift of foote , that I think Iemy in the end perswaded himselfe , that none but fat men could run well , and nimble men being light would fal soonest , considering that light things being of small substance not féeling themselues , would surely fall . But here is the sport , the Foote-man séeing it was the Kings pleasure to sée the wager tryed , dared him , which made Iemy mad , that he would run with him from Edenborough to Barwicke ( which was forty myles ) in one day , a thing as vnpossible as to pull downe a Church in one houre , and to build it againe in another : for Iemy was lost in the kings company once of purpose , but fiue myle from the Citty , at the Earle Mortons castle at da Keth , and they thought hée would neuer haue come home againe : when the King heard euery houre hée was comming , and still as hée intreated euery passenger to let him ride , by the kings watch in the high way , they had warning giuen to the contrary : for be was seauen dayes going fiue myle : then iudge how long he would be a running fortie ? you will muse how hée did for meate all the time : I le tell you hée fasted all day , and went supperlesse to bed , but being in his first sound sléepe , meate was brought and laide by him , and a Choppin of Wine ( for so they call it there ) which made him at his comming to Court tell the King , heauen was gentler then earthly men would shew him no fauour , neyther to ride nor féede him , when he was euery night cast into a sound sléepe , then when he wakt hée was sure of meate from heauen to féede on : when the meate came from the Kings kitchin at Edenborough Abbey .

But to goe forward with our challenge , the king said the first word should stand , and on Iemies head he laid a thousand marks : the Lady Carmichell that laught to heare all this wagered as much on the Foote-mans head : the day was appointed the next morning , being Thursday , to begin at fiue a clock in the afternoone in the coole of the evening and euery one to his race must make him ready . Iemy as he had seene the kings Foot-men do , washt his féet with Béere , and soakt them in Butter , so all that night and the next day there was nothing but Iemy and his prouision to that great iourney . The time came , Iemy was stript into his shirt , trust round for the purpose : the footman and hée begins to runne : the Footeman makes shew of great labor , and the Foole made the substance , for he was quickly in a sweat : they pult and they blowde , they ran as swift as a pudding would créepe . Iemy thought himselfe no smal foole to out-run the Foot-man , and did in his minde assure himselfe to win : the King laughes to sée the toyle hée made , and the Foot-man made great shew and little paines . By and by Iemy cals for drinck , and the King loath hée should haue any harme with labour , caused him to haue a mixed drincke to cast him into a sléepe : who when he had drunck , as hée ran on his wager , he dropt downe in the stréete , as heauy as if a leaden plummet that makes a Iack turne the spit , had fallen on the earth dab : there hée slept , and was carryed by commaund to the top of the hill , and laid downe againe : there hée slept halfe an houre , and when he wakt he remembred his iourney : séeing people still about him , vp he gets , away he iogs , and neuer lookes behinde him : and séeing Cannegate so néere him , had not the wit to wonder how hée came there , but laid hold on the ring of the gate , and staid to bée séene . By and by the foot-man comes sweating , with water powred on his face and head : O my heart , sayes hée : O my legs sayes Iemy , I will not doe so much for all Scotland againe . Well , Iemy cryes victory , victory : and there was the kings Coath at hand , to carry him home , for of himselfe hée could neuer haue gone , had his life lain on it . But when hée came home , the bragges hée made , the glory hée got , how hée out-ran the Footeman ( and ran so easily as if he had béene a sléepe ) was wonderfull : I , it was sport enough for the King a month after to heare him tell it . Well the King wonne the wager hée thought , and that was honour sufficient for him : not thrée dayes after hée bad the King put away all his Footemen , and he would serue his turne to any place The King thanked him for his good will , and said when his néede was great hée would make bold to vse him : so Iemy this fat foole euer bragged of this wager .

THere was a Laundres of the Towne , whose daughter vsed often to the Court to bring home shirts and bands , which Iemy had long time loued and solicited , but to no end she would not yéeld him an inch of hir maidenhead : now Iemy vowed he would haue if all Wel , she consented at last and to be short soone at night at nine a clocke , being in the winter , when shée knew her mother to bée gone to watch with a sick body , he should come and all that night lye with her : Iemy though witlesse , wanted no knauish meaning in this , thought long till it was night . But in the afternoone , this Mayd goes vp to the castle & gathers a great basket of Nettles , and comming home strawes them vnder the bed .

Night comes , nine a clocke strikes , Iemy on his horse comes riding forward , sets him vp and knockes at the doore , she lets him in and bids him welcome bonny man : to bed hée goes , and Iemy euer vsed to lye naked , as is the vse of a number amongst which number she knew Iemy was one , who no sooner was in bed , but shée her selfe knockt at the doore , and her selfe asked who was there , which Iemy hearing was afraid of her mother : alas sir ( sayes shée ) créepe vnder the bed , my mother comes . Iemy bustled not a little , vnder hée créepes starke naked , where hée was stung with nettles : iudge you that haue féeling of such matters , there hée lay turning this way and that way , here hée stung his leg , here his shoulder , there his buttockes : but the Mayde hauing lockt the doore to him , went to bed , and there lay he in durance ( as they say ) till morning : when the day broke vp gets the Maide , to Court she goes , and tels the Kings Chamberlaine of the matter , and hée told the King , who laughed thereat right heartely .

The Chamberlaine was sent to sée him there , who when he came found him fast a sléepe vnder the bed starke naked , bathing in nettles , whose skinne when hée wakened him , was all blistred grieuously . The Kings Chamberlaine bid him arise and come to the King . I will not quoth he , I will go make my graue . Sée how things chanced , he spake truer then he was awar for the Chamberlaine going home without him , tolde the King his answere . Iemy rose , made him ready , takes his horse and rides to the Church-yard in the high towne , where he found the Sexton ( as the custome is there ) making nine graues , thrée for men , thrée for women , and thrée for children , and who so dyes next , first comes first seru'd : lend mée thy spade sayes Iemy , and with that digs a hole , which hole hée bids him make for his graue , and doth giue him a French crowne , the man willing to please him ( more for his gold then his pleasure ) did so : and the foole gets vpon his horse , & rides to a gentleman of the towne , and on the sodaine within two houres after dyed : of whom the Sexton telling hée was buried there indéed . Thus you sée fooles haue a gesse at wit sometime , and the wisest could haue done no more , nor so much . But thus this fat foole fils a leane graue with his carkasse , vpon which graue the King caused a stone of Marble to bée put , on which the Poets writ these lines in remembrance of him :

He that gard all men till ieare , Iemy a Camber he ligges here : Pray for his sale , for he is geane , And here a ligges beneath this steane .

Is this possible sayes the world , that I should bée so serued , nay thou art worse serued heareafter , sayes hée , for thou knowest not the following sceane , but attend it .

By the Foole is meant all fatnesse , by the King nature that nurst him , by the Nobles such as sooth him , and by the Ship , thée , in which many dangers are floting through the sense of sinne , and so if life were awarranted Fooles , fat ones , rich ones , would giue the Chaine of their soules , that is linkt to saluation , onely to inherit this earth in thy company , when earth though it bée heauen to hell , by reason of the paines , yet the comparison auerts , it is hell to heauen , in respect of pleasures . By the second is meant the surfets ot soule and body that Fooles buy with their gold , not sparing any price to please appetite , though the edge of it slice from the bosome of good old Abraham , very heauen it selfe . By the third , how the fat Fooles of this age , will groute and sweat vnder this masste burden , and purge to the crowne from the foote , though their braine perish through the preuailing practise of busie endeauour . The Mule , morrally signifies the Diuell , vpon whose trot their fatnesse takes ease , and rides a gallop to destruction By the fourth taile is prefigured the presumption of greatnesse , who are willing to out-run spéede it selfe , through gréedy desire . In this is showne how flattery féedes them , placing before them as in a sléepe , worke and wonder , when , to say footh , all is not worth the wonder , their desire is more then abilitie to performe , and their practise aboue all , yet the nimble ouershoot them in act , leauing them a quicknesse in will . In the fift , answere is made to the fourth when often such forward déedes , méete with backward lurches , and they are stung with their owne follyes , netling very lust with shame and disgrace : it signifies Adultery in fat ones , who ( aboue their owne ) whoring after strange Gods make their Religion ride hackney to hell , and when shame takes them from the horse , they make their own graues & are buryed in their owne shame , with this Motto aboue written .

Fat fooles gather to their woe , Sorrow , shame , and care , Here they lye that gallopt so , In Deaths ingraued snare .

THis morrall motion gaue the world such a buffet that she skringde her face as though shée were pincht home , yet séeing no remedy but that the flat and fat Fooles should draw in her Coach together , shée sits in the boote and rides on . The Crittick , reacheth his glasse to her view and presents the third . O this was an humorous Sir indéede , leane Leonard , they call him a Foole of strange and propostrous bréeding , begat of enuie , and out of doubt his base Sonne : his discription hath a straine of more wonder , long like a lath , and of proportion little better , but giue his report hearing .

Curled locks on idiots heads , Yeallow as the amber , Playes on thoughts as girls with beads : When their masse they stamber . Thicke of hearing yet thin eard , Long of neck and visage , Hookie nosde and thicke of beard , Sullen in his vsage . Clutter fisted long of arme , Bodie straight and slenderd , Boistrous hipt motly warme ? Euer went leane Leonard . Gouty legd footed long , Subtill in his follie , Shewing right but apt to wrong , When a'peard most holy . Vnderstand him as he is , For his marks you cannot misse .

You heare Maddam sayes our Cinnick how he is markt , if ye méete him in your pottage-dish , yet know him . The world tho thée loued not the discription , yet shée coneted his condition , and began to woe his report , which making no bones of the swéet youth gaue his doings thus .

IN the merry Forrest of Shearewood dwels a kinde gentleman , whose name I omit , fearing I too much offend in medling with his foole : but I trust he will pardon me , for sithence he is so well knowne thereabouts , I thinke it not amisse to tell it at London , that people séeing the strange workes of God , in his differing creatures , we that haue perfect resemblance of God , both in sence and similitude , may the better praise his name , that wée differ from them whose humours we read , sée and heare , are not so strange as true . I say againe this Gentleman had a foole , Leonard they call him , leane of body , looking like enuie , whose conditions agrée with his countenance : one time aboue all other hée lockt himselfe into a Parlour , where all alone hée playd at slide-groat , as his manner was , péeces or counters he had none , yet casting his hand empty from him , fly saies he , short with a vengeance : then play sayes hée ( to his fellow ) when indéede there is none but himselfe : but thus with supposes he playes alone , swaggers with his game fellow , out sweares him with a thousand oaths , challenges him the field to answere him if hée bée a man , appoynts the place and all , that if any not knowing his conditions , should stand without & heare him , would thinke two swaggerers were fighting in the roome .

To his play againe he fals , seauen vp for twelue pence , for that is his game still : well , they fall out , they go together by the eares , & such a hurly burly is in the roome that passes : at the last the stooles they flye about , the Pots they walke , the glasses they goe together ▪ nay the Prayer bookes they flie into the fire , that such a noice there was that the whole house wondred at his folly ▪ perswasions wer to no purpose doores hée would open none , till they violently brake them open , though they were of gold , and so they did , and entred the Parlour , found all this leuell coyle and his pate broken , his face scratcht , and leg out of ioynt , as a number say to this houre , that hée is a play fellow for the diuell , and in game they cannot agrée : but that is otherwise , for in the great hall at the seruing mans request he will play by himselfe , if they will not play with him : & who so playes with him , though they play for nothing and with nothing , all is one they must fall out , and if others be not by to part them mischiefe may bée done , for he will lay it on , take it off who will : so that at his first comming hée endaungered many , and now take héede is a faire thing , for few will come néere him . Thus you may fée fooles that want wit to gouerne themselues well , haue a wilfull will to goe forward in folly .

THis leane gréedy foole hauing a stomacke , and séeing the butler out of the way , his appetite was such , as loath to tarry , breakes open the Dairy house , eates & spoiles new chéesecurds , chéesecakes , ouerthrowes creame bowles , and hauing filled his belly , and knew he had done euill , gets him gone to Mansfield in Sherwood , as one fearefull to be at home : the Maydes came home that morning from milking , and finding such a masaker of their Dairie , almost mad , thought a yéeres wages could not make amends : but O the foole leane Leonard , they cryed , hedid this mischiefe , they complayned to their Master , but to no purpose , Leonard was farre inough off , search was made for the foole , but hée was gone none knew whether , and it was his propertie hauing done mischiefe , neuer to come home of himselfe , but if any one intreated him , he would easily be won .

All this while the foole was at Mansfield in Sherwood , and stood gaping at a shoomakers stall : who not knowing him asked him what he was ? goe looke sayes hée , I know not my selfe : they asked him where he was borne : at my mothers backe sayes hée : in what country quoth they ? in the country quoth he where God is a good man : at last one of the thrée iournymen imagined he was not very wise , & flouted him very merrily , asking him if hée would haue a stitch where there was a hole ? ( meaning his mouth ) I quoth the Foole , if your nose may bée the néedle : the Shoomaker could haue found in his heart , to haue tooke measure on his pate with a Last in stéede of his foote : but let him goe as he was .

A Country Plow-iogger being by , noting all this , secretly stole a péece of Shoomakers waxe off the stall , & comming behinde him ; clapt him on the head , and asked him how he did : the Foole séeing the pitch ball pulled to haue it off , but could not but with much paine , in an enuious spléene , smarting ripe , runs after him , fals at fistie cuffes with him , but the fellow belaboured the Foole cunningly , and got the Fooles head vnder his arme , and bobd his nose : the Foole remembring , how his head was , strikes it vp , and hits the fellowes mouth with the pitcht place , so that the haire of his head , and the haire of the Clownes beard , were glude together : the fellow cryed , the Foole exclaimed , and could not sodainely part , in the end the people ( after much laughing at the Iest ) let them part faire : the one went to picke his beard , the other his head : the Constable came askt the cause of their falling out , & knowing one to bée Leonard the leane Foole , whom hée had a Warrant from the Gentleman to search for , demaunds of the Fellow how it hapned : the Fellow hée could answere nothing but vm , vm , for his mouth was sealed vp with waxe : dost thou scorne to speake , sayes hée , I am the kings Officer knaue : vm , vm , quoth hée againe , meaning hée would tell him all when his mouth was cleane : but the Constable thinking hée was mockt , clapt him in the stocks , where the Fellow sate a long houre farming his mouth , and when hée had done , and might tell his griefe , the Constable was gone to carry home Leonard to his Maister , who not at home , hée was enforced to stay Supper time , where hée told the Gentleman the Iest , who was very merry to heare the story , contented the Officer , and bad him to set the Fellow at liberty , who betimes in the morning was found fast a sléepe in the stocks : the Fellow knowing himselfe faulty , put vp his wrongs , quickly departed , and went to work betimes that morning with a flea in his eare .

THe Gentleman with whom this Leonard dwelt , haning bought a goodly fayre Hawke , brought her home , being not a little proud of his penny-worth , and at Supper to other Gentlemen , fell a praysing of her , who smoothing vp his humour , likewise fayled not to adde a toarch of fire to encrease more flame , for indéede the Bird was worthy of commendations , and therefore did merit prayses . Leonard standing by with his finger in his mouth , as it was his custome , often hearing them praise the goodnesse of the Hawke , thought indéede they had meant for goodnesse being farre better meate then a Turkey or a Swan , was very desirous to eate of the same : and vnknowne goes downe , and sodainely from the pearch snatch the Hawke , and hauing wrung off her neck , begins to besiedge that good morsell , but with so good a courage , that the feathers had almost choakt him : but there lay my friend Leonard in a lamentable taking . Well , the Hawke was mist , and the déede was found , the Maister was fetcht , and al men might sée the Hawk , feathers and all not very wel disgested : there was no boote to bid runne far drams to driue downe this vndisgested moddicome : the Gentleman of the one side , cryed hang the Foole , the Foole on the other side cryed not , but made signes that his Hawke was not so good as hée did praise her for : and though the Gentleman loued his Hawke , yet hée loued the Foole aboue : being enforced rather to laugh at his simplicifie , then to vexe at his losses sodainely : Being glad to make himselfe merry , tested on it euer after : vpon whose Hawke a Gentleman of his , very wisely writ these lynes , and gaue vnto his maister . Fooles feede without heede , vnhappy be their feeding , Whose heed being in such speed , attempted without heeding May they choke that prouoke , appetite by pleasure , When they eate forbidden meate , & feed so out of measure .

The Gentleman laughed at this rime , yet knew not whether was the more Foole , he for writing , the other for eating or he for loosing Well , putting the Hare to the Goosegiblets , séeing there was no remedy , made himselfe pastime , pleased himselfe , and did rest contented .

HE that mischiefes many , sometime wrongs himselfe : as hearken to this Iest : Leonard of all things loued his Whéele-barrow , and would worke all day and carry dung in it , yet would sléepe in it at night , he would set vp meate for his belly in it , I what did hée without it ? Once at a Christmas time , when the fire in the Hall was full , Leonard was sore a cold , hée got coles out of the Scullery , and put them into his Barrow , and set them on fire , and so sate him downe to warme him , quite forgetting it was made of Wood , and wood would burne , so in the end being warme , goes for a Iacke of Béere , brings it , and sets it on the fire to warme , so that the inside melted , and hée dranck the drinck notwithstanding : but on the sodaine hée séeing the Whéele-barrow flame that he so loued , aloud hée cryes , O mée , O mée , O mée , and takes it vp flaming , and trundles , it into the Hall , among the people to shew : the young men & maydes tumbled ouer one another for feare ▪ some had their faces burned , others their legs : the maydes their smocks , yea one set fire on another , for their Aprons burned , and being many people the flame increased rather then decreased : Leonard séeing none would helpe him , runs ( for feare least the Gentleman should know it ) and thrusts it into the Barne to hide it , which some séeing , runs after , and had they not come at that time , the Hay and Straw had béene all burnt , for it was already of a light fire , but being quencht out , all was well : such is the enuie of fooles who séeing none would helpe him , thought to doe them mischiefe , which he did , but not much .

The World laughing a good at these iests , though to say sooth shée could hardly afford it , for feare of writhing her swéet fauour , yet strayning curtesie in this kinde , did as our wantons doe at a feast , spare for manners in company but alone cram most gréedily . So shée forgetting modesty gapte out a laughter , and like women hardly wonne cryde more more . The currish Crittick said she should , and gaue her the third pennerth of the morrall , and said , you laugh at leane enuie in a long foole , but you haue cause to wéepe at long enuie in a leane age , as you liue in . This foole cries not all mine , but distributes like a kinde companion , being a suficiall glasse to gaze in . There be leane fooles as well as fat , such are they whose noses drops necessitie , and they smell out for Church lands , many tenaments , vnthrifts furfets , looking leanely in all this , but féede fatly in hope . This fatnesse goes to the heart , not séene in the visage . These séem simple , but like Leonard hit home at aduantage , they can stop mens mouths and seale them vp in aduantage , and giue the stocks to the simple deseruer , when themselues are not blamelesse . O beware when you sée a long meager looke , search him he hath also reaching fingers , and can slide a groat by himselfe as Leanord did , fall out , curse , sweare , and batter heauen it selfe with humour of folly . Such was the leane neckt Crane , who bad the fat Foxe to dinner making him lick the outside of the glasse , while his leannesse fed within . You vnderstand me madame , such are your landlords to the poore , your leane lords to the fat tennant , or by a figure one for the other . Thus they batten héere , but the Diuel will gnaw their bones for it .

By the third iest we obserue a gréedinesse in leane folly , that so good report come in their way these eate vp hawke feathers & all to put it by , though they choake in the déede . Héerupon comes it leane enuy swallowes fat bits , I mean honest manners , and makes them stirril of all good meanes , as the Lawyer the poore clyants plow pence , the cittie the country commodities , that vnder shew of leannes they fat themselues to the ribs , good hold for flesh hookes at the generall waste . By the fourth and last ( I would it were least ) it bewrayes a curious & common leannesse in lewd liuers , who to reuenge on others will fire their owne whéele barrow . Like the leane tennant who fallen out with his landlord , and séeing his neighbours house on fire desired his neighbours to pull downe his first , for feare of more danger , not that he loude his neighbours safety and his owne , but that hée hated his landlord . Or the contrary couetous of their owne commoditie fire themselues , and because they will not burne alone indanger their friends , and say t is kinde to haue company . These are fooles indéede leane ones , these are fat at soule & make thicke doings for the diuels dyet . World I name them not thou knowst them well inough . At this she bit her lip , knowing some that were leane Leonards in this , but kay me I le kay thee , giue mée an inch to day I le giue thée an ell to morrow , and wée le to hell together . The World dimpling her chin with méere modestie as it were , throwing off variety of 〈◇〉〈◇〉 , began to say sooth thou saist true , there are such tricks in mée , but I know not how to mende , I am willing ●t flesh is weake , prethée be more sparing , carpe but confound not , hope the best amendment may come . Prethée goe in furnish thy sallet , these hearbs already are sauory , and I picke out to my appetite , and though I bée not altogether pleased , yet am I not quite past patience , I will endure , for that disease that lesters so must receiue cure gladly , though it come with excéeding paine , yet so much the profit by how much the perplexities cries aue to the danger . Mistris sayes Sotto I am glad to sit so néere you , and to be thought a kinde neighbor too is more then the world affords . But looke who is héere , we haue followde one with our flat and fat foole , disturbd by the leave . Now as in a historie we mingle mirth with matter , to make a please plaister for melancholy ; so in our glasse we present to the leane a cleane . One that was more bel●ued among Ladyes then thought can hatch , or opinion produce . His name is Iack Miller , he liues yet & hath béene in this citie within few dayes , and giue me leaue to discribe him thus :

You that follie comprehend , Listen to my storie , This description well attend , I haue writ it for yee . This cleane nigit was a foole . Shapt in meane of all , And of order fit to rule , Anger in her loudest braul . Fat and thick , neate and cleane , And delights in pleasure , Saue a nasty vglie straine : Of an other measure , From his nosthrils rumatick . Griefe it was to see , Such a simple neatnesse spring , From imbisillitie . Creatures of the better sort , For the Foole was cleane , Gaue him loue with good report , Had not this ill bene . But let slip it was no fault , Men as slougish be , Since the wisest iump as short , In all cleanlynesse as he .

Alas quoth the world , I am sorry trust me , that one so outwardly well , should bée so inwardly ill , and haue that apparance in nastie defect , which of it selfe is neate : but go on with the repeticion since wée are mended in the condition . Wée will winck at small faults , tho wée yéelde it great in nature . Nemo sine crimine and so forth . I quoth Sotto , say yée me so , haue at him then , out it goes , but mark it well .

IN a Gentlemans house where Iack Miller resorted as he was welcome to all : it chanced so there was a Play , the Players dressed them in the Gentlemans Kitchin , and so entred through the Entry into the Hall . It was after dinner when Pyes stood in the Ouen to coole for Supper : Iack had not dyned , and séeing the Ouen stand open , and so many Pyes there vntold ( hée thought because they séemed numberlesse ) O sayes lack , for one of them p. p. pyes , for so hée stammered in speaking ( the Players Boy being by , and in his Ladyes Gowne ) could haue found in his heart to créepe in clothes and all : but hée perswaded Iack to do so , to which hée was willing , and very nimbly thrusts in his head into the hot Ouen , which being but newly opened , on the sodaine hée was singed both of head and face , and almost not a hayre left on his eye-browes , or beard : Iack cryes , O I burne , and had not the wit to come back , but lay still : the Gentlewoman Boy tooke him by the héeles & pulled him out , but how he lookt I pray you iudge that can discerne fauours , Iack was in a bad taking with his face poore soule , and lookt so vgly and so strangely , that the Lady of the Play being ready to enter before the Gentiles to play her part , no sooner began but remembring Iack , laught out , and could goe no further : the Gentleman muzed at what hée laught , but such a Iest , being easily séene , was told the Gentleman , who sent in for Iack Miller , who came like bald Time , to tell them time was past of his hayre : but hée so strangely lookt , as his countenance was better then the Play . But against night the Players drest them in another place , and at Supper Iack Miller sung his song of Dirryes faire , with a barmy face to take out the fire , and lookt like the Pater of the Alefat●●it was no boote to bid him stut and stammer , poore Foole as cleane as he was , hée was now but beastly faced , for hée looked like a man , that being ashamed to shew his face , had hid it in a dry lome wall , and pulling it out againe , left all the hayre behinde him .

IAck , on Newyéeres day in the morning , was to carry a Newyeres gift to a gentleman a myle off ; and as he staid to haue it deliuered to him to beare , asked which was the cleanest way thither ? A fellow knowing his cleanlinesse , sends him ouer a durty marsh : and so hée folded vp his hand ( then cleane ) for fouling , that at the gentlemans dore he might put it on . The present came , which Iack séeing , made legs to the gentlewoman , forgetting his band was in his hose , carried a stif neck to and fro to the gentlewoman , and what ere she spake , or where ere shée stood , Iack would look but one way , as though his neck had bin starcht . And remember , saies the gentlewoman , you abuse not my message , nor my gift . No so so forsooth saies Iack : and away he goes , & thought he would sée what it was , & as he went he lift vp the basket lid and lookt : Ah ha quoth Iack I sée now it is Almond bu bu butter . Along he goes , and séeing the marsh wet and durty , thought to leape a little ditch , & so to goe a cleane hie way , but ( O poore Iack ) hée , basket and all lay in the midst of the ditch vp to the arme pits in mud , which Iack séeing got out , and goes to a riuer by & washes himselfe first , his band next , where if it had béen about his neck as it should , it had ben labour well saued , but he washt his basket of Almond butter so long that the butter was washt away , which hée perceiuing , in that wofull taking comes back & called for more bu bu butter . The gentlewoman séeing how things went rather laught then vext , because she was so simple to trust a foole with matters of trust , and bad him get him to the fire and dry him , and said . Next time she would stay her seruants leasure ( who then were abroad ) rather then trust to a rotten staffe . Thus cleane fooles light still on beastly bargaines .

IN the towne of Esam in Worstersh . Iack Miller being there borne , was much made of in euery place : It hapned that the Lord Shandoyes Players came to towne , & played there , which Iack not a little loued , especially the Clowne , whom he would imbrace with a ioyfull spirit , and call him Grumball ( for so he called himselfe in gentlemens houses , where hée would imitate playes , doing all himselfe , King , Gentleman , Clowne & all , hauing spoke for one , he would sodainly goe in , and againe returne for the other : and stammering as he did made much mirth To conclude , he was a right innocent , without any villany at all .

When these Players I speake of had done in the towne , they went to Partiar , and Iack swore he would goe all the world ouer with Grumball . It was then a great frost new begun , and the Hauen was frozen ouer thinely : but héere is the wonder , the Gentleman that kept the Hart ( an Inne in the towne ) whose backside looked to the way that led to the riuer side to Partiar , lockt vp Iack in a chamber next the Hauen , where he might sée the players passe by , & they of the towne loth to lose his company desired to haue it so : But he I say séeing them goe by , créepes through the window , & said I come to thée Grumball . The Players stood all still to sée further . He got down very dangerously , & makes no more adoe but venters ouer the Hauen , which is by the long bridge , as I gesse some forty yards ouer : yet he made nothing of it , but my hart aked when my eares heard the ise cracke all the way . When he was come vnto me , I was amazed , & tooke vp a brick bat ( which lay there by ) & threw it , which no sooner fell vpon the ise but it burst . Was not this strange , that a foole of thirty yéeres was borne of that ise which would not endure the fall of a brickbat ? but euery one rated him for the déede , telling him the danger . He considered his fault ; and knowing faults should be punished , he intreated Grumball the Clowne who he so déerely loued to whip him , but with Rosemary , for that hée thought would not smart . But the Players in iest bréecht him till the bloud came , which he tooke laughing , for it was his manner euer to wéepe in kindnesse and laugh in extreames . That this is true , mine eies were witnesses being then by .

IAck Miller welcomed to all places , & hard of none , came to a Gentleman , who being at dinner , requested him for mirth , to make him a play , which he did , and to sing Derries faire , which was in this manner . First it is to bée noted , hée stutted hugely , and could neyther pronounce b . nor p. and thus he began . As I went to Derries faire , there was I ware of a iolly begger , Mistris Annis M. Thomas , vnder a tree mending of shoone , Mistris Annis M. Thomas hight braue beggers euery one .

And so forward : but the Iest was to heare him pronounce braue Beggers , and his qualitie was , after hée began his song , no laughing could put him out of it . One standing by noting his humour that b . and p. plagued him , bad him say this after him , which Iack said he would doe .

Buy any flawne , pasties , pudding pyes , plum pottage , or pescods O it was death to Iack to doe it : but like a willing Foole hée fell to it : Buy any , buy any fla flaw : p p p pasties , and p p p pudding p p p pyes , p p p , &c.

And euer as he hit the on word , hée would pat with his finger on his other hand , that more and more it would make a man burst with laughing , almost to sée his action : sometime hée would bée pronouncing one word while one might goe to the doore and come againe : But euer after , Gentiles would request him to speake that , where before Derryes fayre was all his Song .

He came not long after ( to this I am witnes ; because my eares heard it ) to a Gentlemans not far from Upton vpon Seuerne in Glocester-shire : where at the Table ( amongst many Gallants and Gentlewomen , almost the state of the Country ) hée was to iest and sing , especially they entreated him for his new speach of the Pées : which he began in such manner to speake , with driueling and stuttering , that they began mightely to laugh : insomuch that one proper Gentlewoman among the rest , because shee would not séeme too immodest with laughing : for such to the 〈◇〉〈◇〉 that thinke to make all when God 〈◇〉 they marre 〈◇〉 so shée straining her selfe , though inwardly she laughed hartely , gaue out such an earnest of her modesty ; that all the Table rung of it . Who is that , sayes one ? Not I , sayes another : but by her chéeks you might find guilty Gilbert , wher he had hid the brush . This Iest made them laugh more , and the rather that shée stood vpon her marriage , and disdained all the Gallants there , who so heartely laught that an old Gentle woman at the Table tooke such a conceipt at it with laughing , that had not the foole bin , which stood ( by fortune ) at her back , & was her supporter , being in a great swound , she had fallen to the ground backward : but down they burst the windows for ayre , & there was no little boot , to bid run : shée was nine or ten dayes ere shée recouered that fit on my knowledge . Thus simple Iack made mirth to all , made the wisest laugh , but to this day gathered little wit to himselfe .

This quoth the World is méere mirth without mischiefe and I allow of it ; Folly without faults is as reddish without salt may passe in disgestion one without the other , & doe better , wher both together ingenders but rheume , & mirth does well in any . I sayes Sotto so way you not the true waight , as it is sufferable to be whole so it is saluable to be hurt , and one to the other giues ayme , but to bée neither is monstrous . I would faine Morrall of it if you please . Leaue was granted , for the World knew it would else bée commanded , and Sotto thus poynts at the Parable . By the first merry embleme I reach at stars , how they fire themthemselues in the firmament , whether it be with sitting too néere the Sunne in the day , or couching to néere the Moone in the night I know not , but the haire of their happinesse often fals off , and shoots from a blazing Commet to a falne star , and carries no more light then is to be séene in the bottome of Platoes inck-horne , and where they should study in priuate with Diogenes in his Cell , they are with Cornelius in his tub . By the second , the cleane sooles of this world are patternd , who so neately stand vpon their ruffes & shooties , that the braine is now lodged in the foote , and therevpon comes it that many make their head their foote , and imployment is the drudge to prodigalitie , made sawcie through the mud of their owne minds , where they so oft stick fast that Bankes his horse with all his strength & cunning cannot draw them out . By the third is figured saucie aduenture in folly , for wisedome puts forward no further then warrant , and for pleasure the wisest make themselues fooles . To conclude this foolish discription of the fourth , many sing out their times and like ideots true borne , confound with folly what was created more holy , stutting out trifles that out method matter of more waight , where nisetie her selfe will let goe in laughter , though she spoyle her marriage . The World likte not this well , but bit the lip againe , but as rich men suffer wrongs for aduantage , tooke her pennerths together , casts her eye a side , and sées a comely foole indéede passing more stately , & who was this forsooth Wil Sommers , one not meanly estéemed by the King for his meriment , his mellody was of a higher straine , and he lookt as the noone broade waking . His discription was writ in his fore-head and yée might read it thus :

Will Sommers borne in Shropshire , as some say , Was brought to Greenwitch on a holy day , Presented to the King , which foole disdayn'd , To shake him by the hand ; or else asham'd , How er'e it was , as ancient people say , With much adoe was wonne to it that day . Leane he was , hollow eyde , as all report ; And stoope he did too , yet in all the Court , Few men were more belou'd , then was this foole , Whose merry prate kept with the King much rule , When he was sad , the King and he would rime . Thus Will exiled sadnesse many a time . I could describe him , as I did the rest ; But in my mind I doe not thinke it best : My reason this , how e're I doe descry him , So many knew him , that I may belye him . Therefore to please all people one by one , I hold it best to let that paines alone . Onely thus much , hee was a poore mans friend , And helpt the widdow often in the end : The King would euer graunt what he did craue ; For well he knew Will no exacting knaue : But wisht the King to doe good deeds great store , Which caus'd the Court to loue him more and more .

The world was in loue with this merry foole , and said he was fit to the time indéede , therefore deserude to bée well regarded . Insomuch as shée longed to heare his friscoes morrallised , and his gambals set downe . And Sotto as willingly goes forward thus :

WIll Sommers , in no little credit in the Kings Court , walking in the Park at Gréenwich , fell a sléepe on the stile that leads into the walk , and many that would haue gone that way , so much loued him , that they were loth to disease him , but went another way , I , the better sort : for now adaies beggers are gallants , while gentiles of right blood séeme tame russians : but note the loue that Will Sommers got : A poore woman séeing him sléep so dangerously , eyther to fal backward , or to hurt his head , leaning so against a post , fetch him a cushen & a rope , the one for his head , & the other to bind him to the post , from falling backward & thus hée slept , & the woman stood by , attending as groom of his chamber .

It chanced so , that vpon great occasion , as you shall after heare , Wil Sommers vncle came out of Shropshire to séeke him in the Court , a plaine old man of thréescore yéeres , with a buttoned cap , a lockram falling band , course , but cleane , a russet coat , a white belt of a horse hide , right horse-coller , white-leather , a close round bréech of russet shéeps wool , with a long stock of white kersey , a high shoo with yelow buckles , all white with dust : for that day the good old man had come thrée & twenty miles on foot . This kinde old man comming vp in his Countryes behalfe , & comming into Gréenwitch , asked the way to the Court : euery one directs him , but one villaine Page directs him by the Court gate , to crosse in a Boat ouer to Blackwal , and told him that was the Court . The silly old man willingly paid his penny before hand , & was going ouer : but some that ouer-heard their talk , hindred his iourney , and laughed at the Iest , yet pittyed his simplicity , and sets him the right way . When he came in & saw such a place , he was amazed and stood gazing : which the Gard & Gentlewomen in their windows had much sport to sée : at last one asked him what hée was ?

The old man answeres , a poore Shropshire man & demaunds if there were not a Gentleman in the Court dwelling , called by the name of M. William Sommers ? ( for the Country hearing him in fauour in the Court , said hée was so at least . ) The Courtier answered , here is such a one indéed . For fault of a worse , saies hée , I am his Uncle , & wept with ioy , that hée should sée him . Marry sayes the man , I le help you to him straight : for I tell you , not any in the court drust but haue sought him , which this man did , and it was told them , hée was walkt into the Parke , while the King slept that hote day : thether went they to séeke him . All this while my friend William was in counsel with the post , and the cushen stood as arbitrator betwixt them , and the woman by as a witnesse what was said & done , at last , came these two and wakened him . William séeing his head soft , what soft post is this , quoth he ? A post of mine own making , saies the woman . But she lost nothing by her good will : for ere shée left Will . Sommers , shée got him to get her sons pardon of the King , who was to bée hanged , thrée dayes after for piracy : but by Will . Sommers meanes he deceiued the hangman . This and many good déeds he did to diuers .

The foole being wakened , lookes about him , when he had thanked the woman , asked what newes ? sayes the man , sir , here is your vncle come out of the Country to sée you . God a mercy cousin , sayes Wil Sommers . I thank thée for thy labour , you cannot vncle me so . Yes truely Sir , I am your owne deare vncle , M. William , and with that wept . Are you my vncle sayes Will ? I sir , sayes hée . Are you my Uncle , sayes hée againe ? I sure & verely too . But are you my vncle indéed ? by my vusse I am sayes the old man . Then vncle by my vusse welcome to Court , sayes Will Sommers , but what make you héere vncle ? He vp and tels his comming to him . Will takes him by the hand , come saies hée thou shalt sée Harry , vnckle , the onely Harry in England , so he led him to the chamber of Presence , and euer & anone cryes . Aware roome for me & my vncle , & knaues bid him welcome . You are welcome sir sayd they , the old man thought himselfe no earthly man , they honoured him so much .

But Will ready to enter the Presence , lookes on his vncle , and séeing him not fine enough to looke on the King : Come vncle sayes he , we will haue your géere mended , leads him to his chamber , & attires him in his best fooles coate , simply God wot , meaning well to him , and the simple old man as simply put it on , cap & all . Out they come , and vp they came , and to the King they goe , who being with the Lord Treasurer alone merry , séeing them two , how Will had got another foole , knew there was sport at hand . How now saies the King , what newes with you ? O Harry saies he , this is my own vncle , bid him welcome . Wel said the King he is welcome . Harry sayes he heare mée tell thée a tale , and I will make thée rich , & my vncle shal be made rich by thée . Will tels the King , how Terrils frith was inclosed . Tirrils frith , sayes the King ? what is that ? Why , the Heath where I was borne , called by the name of Terils Frith : now a gentleman of that name takes it all in , and makes all the people beléeue it is his , for it took the name from him : so that Harry the poore pine , & their cattel are all vndone without thy help .

And what should I do sayes the King ? Marry saies Will send to the Bishop of Hereford , hée is a great man with Terrill , commaund him to set the Frith at liberty againe , who is now imprisoned by his meanes . And how shall I be rich by that sayes the King ? The poore will pray for thée sayes Will , & thou shalt bée rich in heauen , for on earth thou art rich already . All this was done , & Wils vncle went home who while he liued for that déed was allowed Bayly of the Common , which place was worth twenty pound a yéere .

HOwsoeuer these thrée things came in memory , & are for mirth incerted into stage playes , I know not ; but that Will Sommers asked them of the King , it is certaine , there are some will affirme it now liuing in Gréenewich . The King vpon a time being extreame melancholy and full of passion , all that Will could doe will not make him merry . Ah , sayes hée , this must haue must haue a good showre to clense it , & with that goes behind the Arras . Harry ( saies he ile go behind the Arras and study thrée questions , and come againe , sée therefore you lay aside this melancholy muse , & study to answere me . I ( quoth the King ) they will be wise ones no doubt . At last out comes William with his wit , as the foole of the play doth with an anticke looke , to please the beholders . Harry sayes he , what is that the lesser it is , the more it is to bée feared ? The King mused at it , but to grace the iest the better he answered he knew not . Will made answere it was a little bridge ouer a déepe riuer , at which hée smyled . What is the next William sayes the King ? Marry this is next , what is the cleanliest trade in the world ? Mary says the King I thinke a Comfitmaker , for hée deales with nothing but pure ware , & is attired cleane in white linnen when he sels it . No Harry sayes Will , you are wide . What say you then , qd . the King ? mary sayes Will I say a durtdauber Out on it sayes the King , that is the foulest , for hée is durty vp to the elbows . I sayes Will , but then he washes him cleane againe , & eats his meat cleanly enough . I promise thée Will saies the King thou hast a prety foolish wit , I Harry sayes he it will serue to make a wiser man then you a foole me thinks , at this the King laught , & demaunds the third question . Now tell me sayes Will if you can , what it is that being borne without life , head , lippe or eye , yet doth runne roaring through the World till it dye ? this is a wonder qd the King , & no question , I know it not . Why qd Will it is a fart . At this the King laught hartely , & was excéeding merry , and bids Will aske any reasonable thing , and he would graunt it . Thanks Harry saies he , now against I want I know where to find , for yet I néede nothing , but one day I shall , for euery man sées his latter end , but knowes not his beginning . The King vnderstoode his meaning , and so pleasantly departed for that season , & Will laid him downe amongst the Spaniels to sléepe .

ON a time appointed the King dined at Windsor in the Chappell yard , at Cardinall Wolseys , at the same time when he was building that admirable worke of his tombe , at whose gate stood a number of poore people to be serued of almes when dinner was done within , and as Will past by they saluted him , taking him for a worthy personage , which pleased him . In he comes , and finding the King at dinner , & the Cardinall by attending , to disgrace him that hée neuer loued , Harry sayes he , lend me ten pound . What to do saies the King ? to pay thrée or foure of the Cardinals creditors quoth he , to whom my word is past , & they are come now for the mony . That thou shalt Will quoth he . Creditors of mine saies the Cardinall ? I le giue your Grace my head if any man can iustly aske me a penny . No saies Will ? lend mée tend pounds , if I pay it not where thou owest it , I le giue thée twenty for it . Doe so sayes the King , that I will my Liege saies the Cardinall , though I know I owe none . With that he lends Will ten pounds . Will goes to the gate & distributes it to the poore , & brought the empty bag , there is thy bag againe sayes he , thy creditors are satisfied , and my word out of danger .

Who receiued it , sayes the king ? the Brewer or the Baker ? Neyther ( Harry ) sayes Will Sommers : But ( Cardinall ) answer me in one thing : To whom dost thou owe thy soule ? To God ( quoth hée ) To whom thy wealth ? To the poore , sayes he . Take thy forfeit ( Harry ) sayes the foole , open confession , open pennance : his head is thine , for to the poore at the gate I paid his debt , which hée yéelds is due : or if thy stony heart will not yéeld it so , saue thy head by denying thy word , and lend it mée : thou knowest I am poore , & haue neither wealth nor wit , and what thou lendest to the poore , God will pay thée ten fold : he is my surety , arrest him , for by my troth hang mée when I pay thée . The King laught at the iest , and so did the Cardiuall for a shew , but it grieued him to iest away ten pound so : yet worse tricks then this Will Sommers serued him after , for indéede hée could neuer abide him : and the forfeiture of his head had like to haue béene payed , had he not poysoned himselfe .

THere was in the time of Will Sommers , another artificiall Foole or Iester in the Court , whose subtiltie heapt vp wealth by gifts giuen him , for which Will Sommers could neuer abide him : but indéede lightly one foole cannot indure the sight of another , as Iack Oates the Minstrell in the flat Fooles story , and one begger is woe , that another by the doore should goe . This Iester was a big man , of a great voyce , long black locks , & a very big round beard : on a time ( of purpose ) Will Sommers watcht to disgrace him , when he was ingling & iesting before the King . Will Sommers brings vp a messe of milk and a manchet , Harry saies hée , lend me a spoone : Foole saies the Iester , vse thy hands , helpe hands for I haue no lands , and meant , that saying would warrant his grose féeding . I sayes Will Sommers , Beasts will doe so , and Beasts will bid others do , as they doe themselues . Will , said the King , thou knowst I haue none : true Harry saies he , I know that , therfore I askt thée , & I would ( but for doing thée harme ) thou hadst no tongue to grant that foole his next sute , but I must eate my creame some way . The King , the Iester and all gathers about him to sée him eat it . Will begins thus to rime ouer his milke : This bit Harry I giue to thee , & this next bit must serue for both which I le eate apace : ( me , This bit Madame vnto you , and this bit I my selfe eat now , and all the rest vpon thy face .

Meaning the foole , in whose beard & head the bread and milk was thick sowne , & his eyes almost put out . Will Sommers he gets him gone for feare . This lusty iester forgetting himself , in fury drawes his dagger , & begings to protest : nay sayes the King , are ye so hote , claps him fast , & though hée drawes his dagger here , yet let him put it vp in another plaee . The poore abused Iester , was Iested out of countenance , and lay in durance a great while , till Will Sommers was faine ( after he had broken his head to giue him a plaister ) to get him out againe : but neuer after came my Iuggler in the Court more , so néere the King , being such a dangerous man to draw in the presence of the King .

Now Lady world sayes Sotto you wonder at this first iest , do not tis common , for who so simple that being gordgd with broth themselues , will not giue their friends on spoonfull , especially our kinne . O wée le to make them great make our selues , & pollitikly rise againe by their greatnes . But hée was simple in that , for though he raised many , himselfe stood at one stay . But the déed is not common therefore may fitly be termed a flooles déed , since the wise meddle not with it , vnlesse to plunge further in and winde from pouertie . But leaue it to the greatest power of all to remedie and reuenge , while earthly Maiestie growes great by adding liberty totheir afflictions , as in our commons of late , God preserue him for it . By the second morrally , signification giues this , that fooles questions reach to mirth , leading wisdome by the hand as age leads children by one finger , and though it houlds not fast in wisedome , yet it points at it . Better so then the wise to put questions to fooles , for that is to put the mony out of the bag , & leaue the mony behinde to bad vse , while themselues beg with the bag . Such like Will Sommers stéepe mongst dogs . The third bids vs charitably learne of simplicitie to pay our debts , when the poore creditor cals for it , but t is a generall fault , and such who haue doores shut whereat the poore stand , shal find gates fast wher themselues may not enter , but especially we of the laity , for while the Pastor cherishes the soule , we séeke to starue the body , but let s be mindfull least decaying one we loose both . O the world could not indure this but offred to sting away . Nay nay sayes the Cinnick soft & faire , a word or too more , & halfe angry looking into his glasse sées one all in blew , carrying his neck on the one side , looking sharply , drawing the leg after him in a strange manner , describd in méeter thus : Some thing tall dribling euer , Bodie small merrie neuer : Splay footed visage black , Little beard it was his lack . Flat capt still in view , The Citties charge many knew : Long coated , at his side Muckinder and inckhorne tide . Preaching still vnto boyes , Ayming well , but reaching toyes : Louing all hating none , Lesse such as let him not alone , As a liude , so a dyde : Was deaths scorne , though lifes pride .

This is singuler indéed sayes the world , I long to héere of this dry poore Iohn . His name is Iohn indéede sayes the Cinnick , but neither Iohn a nods , nor Iohn a dreames , yet either as you take it , for he is simply simple without tricks , not sophisticated like your Tobacco to tast strong , but as Nature aloud him he had his talent . Whereat the World so fickled her splene that she was a gog , clap her hands for ioy , and sayes she was déepely satisfied , and cryd more . The crooked stick of licorish that gaue this swéet rellish , being to set his téeth to it , wipes his rheumy beard , & ●nites his philosophicall nose , snapping his fingers Barber-like after a dry shauing , iogs on thus :

THis innocent Ideot , that neuer harmed any , before I enter any further , I will let you vnderstand in two words , how he came to be of the hospital of Christs church : Some certaine yéers since ( but not a few yéers ) there dwelt a poore blinde woman in Bow-lane in London , called by the name of blind Alice , who had this foolé of a child to lead her , in whose house he would sit , eyther on the stayres , or in a corner , & sing Psalmes , or preach to himselfe of Peter and Paul , because he delighted to goe to Sermons with blinde Alice and heard the Preacher talk of them . It chanced the Worshipfull of the Citty ( good Benefactours to the poore ) to take her into Christs Hospitall , with whom Iohn went as a guide to lead her : who being olde after shée dyed , hée was to be turned out of doore : but the Citty more destrous to pitty then to be cruell , placed him as a fostred fatherles child , and they did wel in it too , séeing hée was one of Gods Creatures , though some difference in persons .

Well , to go forward in what I promised you : Iohn went to S. Pauls Church in London , to méet with M. Nowell the Deane , whose bounty to him was great , and the foole knew it wel enough , whom he would duely attend after his preaching , for euer he gaue him at their méeting a groat , and hée would bring it to his Nurse : well , M. Deane preached not that day : whereupon Iohn stands in a corner with boyes flocking about him , and begins to preach himselfe , holding vp his muckender for his booke , and reads his Text .

It is written ( sayes he ) in the 3. Chapter of Paul to the Corinthians : Brethren , you must not sweare ( for that was lightly all his text ) then thus he begins : Wheras or whervnto it is written : for because you must beléeue it : for surely else wée are no Christians Write the Sermon ( Boy ) sayes hée ( as the Hospitall Boyes doe ) & then one must write on his hand with his finger , and then hée would goe forward thus : The world is proud , and God is angry if wée do not repent . Good friend giue me a pin , or good friend giue mée a poynt , as it came in his minde : and so sucking vp his driuell and breath together , would pray & make an end : which being done , who bids me home to dinner now , sayes Iohn ? The Boyes that knew his qualities , answeres , that do I , Iohn . Thank ye friend sayes he , and goes home to his own dwelling at Christs Church . But at this time one wealthy Marchants son , to make his father merry , bad him home to dinner indéed , & wil he or nill he , hée must go with him , with much adoe Iohn went , & comming into the house , simply sits him downe ( as his vse was ) in the chimney corner . It was in Lent , when pease pottage bare great sway , & when euery pease must haue his ease : Iohn beholding pease pottage on the fire , thought on his Nurse , for he was all sauing for her , & séeing no body by , stept to the pot , & put a great ladle of pottage into his pocket , & pittiously burnt his thigh , & but that the leather was thick , it had béene worse .

Iohn féeling somthing burne , leapt & cryed : they ran in to sée the matter why he cryed , but more & more he exclaimed , I burn , I burn , & got out of doors , & neuer leaues til he came to his nurse , who quickly shifted him , & mended what was amisse , but the iest was to sée the folk of the house who wondring what he ayled , could not deuise what the matter was : but a begger in the entry , who beheld al , told the truth of the matter , who lost a good almes for his labour . But thus simple Iohn by his own folly , died the inside of his pocket , pease pottage tawny , and set a good scarlet red vpon his thigh .

GAffer Homes being Sexton of Christs Church , would often set Iohn a worke , to toule the Bell to prayers or burials , wherin he delighted much : it chanced so , that comming through the Church , and hauing nothing to do , séeing the bel so easily to come by , towles it . The people ( as the custome is ) repaires to Church ( as they vsed ) to know for whom it was . Iohn answeres them still , for his nurses chicken . They said , Wherfore toules the bel , Iohn ? I know not . When dyed he ? euen now . Who , Iohn ? Who ? my nurses chicken , quoth he , & laughs . This iest was knowne to euery neighbour thereabouts , who sent to bid him leaue touling : but it was not his custome , till goodman Homes tooke the rope from him , that gaue the rope to him ,

Well , there stood Iack towling from foure a clock to sire , goodman Homes being from home , who was not a little vext at Iohns dilligence , but laid the rope euer after , where Iohn could not reach it .

IOhn was of this humor , ask him what his coat cost him , he would say a groat : what his cap , band or shirt cost , all was a groat : aske what his beard cost , and still a groat ▪ So one Friday morning there was a Gentleman to ride down into Warwickshire , about payment of an hundred pound vpon a b●nos forfeyture : the time was next day , by Sun set , it was no boote to bid him pull on his boots & be gone . Well he made hast , & went to doe it without bidding , & yet for all his hast , his bootes were seame-rent , and must haue a stitch or two néeds : he sends them to a cobler next to Christs Church gate in Newgate market , who was diligent to mend them straight : and as he had done , comes Iohn of the Hospitall to him ( as his vse was ) to carry home his work , & he sends Iohn home with the boots : As Iohn was going through Iuy lane , a Country fellow that knew him not , méets him , and séeing the boots , What shall I giue thée for them saies he , Iohn ( who sold euery thing for a groat ) asked a groat . The fellow séeing it was a good penniworth , giues him a groat & departs with the boots . Iohn , as his vse was gaue it to his Nurse . She asked him where hée had it ? Hée said , for boots : but shée not knowing his minde , fell to work againe as he found her .

The forfeiture of the bond so hammered in this Gentlemans head , that he thought euery houre two , till he had his boots , & mused they came not from mending , sends for them presently . One comes sweating , ( zoones ) Cobler the boots , & being at worke very busie , I sayes he , they are mended and carryed home . Another comes , boots , boots . Would she boots were in your belly , quoth the Cobler , once againe they are gone home . By and by comes the Gentleman in his white linnen boot-hose ready to the purpose . A poxe of lazy coblers sayes hée , my boots , shall I forfeit a bond for your pleasure ? The Cobler puts of his considering cap , why sir , sayes hée , I sent them home but now . By whom sayes he ? By Iohn view Iohn sayes the cobler . The Gentleman he runs home one way , the cobler another : well no boots were to be had : the Gentleman hée stayed , and the Cobler hée prayed , but all this while the boots delaid and came not .

The Cobler séekes Iohn at his nurses where he was , and found the boots were sould for a groat . The Cobler séeing no remedy , because the Gentleman was in hast , giues him fiue shillings with a heauy hey ho , towards a new paire , & lost foure shillings eight pence by the bargaine : but the cobler would neuer let Iohn carry home his ware more : nay , sayes the Cobler , if my money can be booted and ride poste so by fiue shillings at a time , it is no boot for me to say 〈◇〉 , but the next bootes I le make a page of my owne age , and carry home my selfe : for I sée fooles will afford good pennyworths .

ON Gaster Munday the ancient rustome is , that all the children of the Hospitall goe before my Lord Maior to the Spittle , that the world may witnesse the works of God and man , in maintenance of so many poore people , the better to stir vp liuing mens mindes to the like good . Before which the children of the hospitall like a captaine goes Iohn , whom to behold the people flock apace , & the weather being hote their thrusting made Iohn extreame dry . Iohn considered he was like to fast while dinner , yet kept on his ranck to the Spittle , where the Cannes did walke a pace by his nose but neuer came at him , which made him more eager of drinck . Well while the children were placing , Iohn stood making of water , & séeing a gentlemans doore open slips in , and the houshold without standing to sée my Lord Mayor passe by not regarded him , but hée whose nose had wit to smell good béere got downe into the Seller , & fell to it tipple square , till he was lost & quite drunck , and layd himselfe to sléepe behind two barrels , & vnséene slept all that day . In the Sermon time he was mist , sought & not found The afternoone came , the Gentlemans Butler with other good fellowes fell to carouse soundly , till the Butler was layd vp too : héere was a Seller well fraught with fooles : but all this while the beadels fayled not to search vp and downe the citie , the cryer cryed a man child of the age of two & thirtie yéeres , for at least hée was so old . But returne wée to the seller : the two drunkards waked both together . Iohn cals Nurse , Nurse , which the Butler ( halfe awake ) hearing thought the Diuell had bin playing bo péep with him , but when he looked and beheld him imagining how it was , he secretly sent him to the Hospitall , least he were blamed for his negligence in looking to the doore no better .

A number of things more Iohn did , which I omit , fearing to be tedious : not long after he dyed , and was old , for his beard was full of white haires , as his picture in christs Hospitall ( now to be séene ) can witnesse : buryed he is , but with no Epitaph . Mée thinks , those that in his life time could afford him his picture , might with his graue yéeld so much as foure lynes , that people may sée where he lyes , whom they so well knew , and if I might perswade , his Motto should bée to this effect :

Here sleepes blew Iohn , that giues Food to feed wormes , and yet not liues : You that passe by looke on his graue , And say , your selues the like must haue . Wise men and fooles all one end makes : Gods will be done who giues and takes .

Surely sayes mistris Nicetie this pleases well to sée one so naturally silly to be simply subtill , it is strange , but I heare it and like a tale out of a poore mans mouth hardly credit it . This foole sayes Sotto signifies many who come to Church to méete acquaintance , more then for piety , & will sooner sell the Church for mony , then pawne ought to vnderprop it . At these the boyes and children of this world wonder , while manly age sées and will not sée . For these as the second tale saies , Folly towles the bell , and a number longs to heare it ring out , when the losse of Iohns Chickin is of more want then theirs , but a rope out it , it will one day be better . Ther are as Hamlet sayes things cald whips in store . The third iest of Iohn , shewes morrally many things , amongst which things , I meane workes , are so cobbeld that to rid it with quicknesse , folly may beare it vp and downe to the owner . While workmanship & time is méerely abusde , but it boots not to meddle in this , least some say , ne sutra , &c. But let me tel ye this by the way World , there are knaues in thy seames , that must be ript out , I sayes the world and such I feare was your father . O no sayes the Critticke , he was the silly Gentleman that staid while the foole brought home his boots , & so forfeited his bond , that his good conditions lay at gage for it mary , yes say the World and was after canseld at the gallous , for such as hée lies in wait to cosin simplycitie , and for a groat buy that , which wel got deserues a portague . At this the Cinnick fretted , and héere they begin to challengde the combat , but a parly sounded , summoned them to the last taile with Iohn to the celler in the spittell . Where if they please they may carrowse fréely , though they die déepe in scarlet as many doe , till they loose themselues in the open stréetes , such Diogenes sought at noone daies with a lanthorne and a candell . Well the World so bufteted the Cinnicke at his owne weapon , that he playes with her as weake fencers , that carries flesh vp and downe for others to dresse . Such was the Cinnick , vns kilfull in quips and worldly flaunts , rather to play with short rods and giue venies till all smart againe , not in the braines , as the world did , but in the buttocks as such doe , hauing their Ioses displaid , making them expert till they cry it vp in the top of question .

Our sullen Cinnick sets by his glasse in mallice , knits a betill brow till the roome grew darke againe , which the wanton World séeing flings out of his Cell like a girle at barly breake , leauing the last couple in hell , away she gads and neuer lookes behind her . A whirlewinde sayes the Cinnick goe after , is this all my thanks , the old payment still , doth the world still reward mortality thus , is vertue thus bed ridden , can shée not helpe her selfe ? and lookes vp to heauen as hée should say some power asist . But there hée sat fretting in his owne grease , and for ought I know no body came to help him .