Hudibras in three parts.

HUDIBRAS . IN THREE PARTS . Corrected , with several Additions and Annotations .

LONDON , Printed , and are to be sold by W. Rogers , at the Sun against St. Dunstan's Church in Fleet-street . 1684.

HUDIBRAS . The First Part. Written in the time of the Late Wars . CORRECTED & AMENDED WITH Several Additions and Annotations .

LONDON , Printed by T.N. for Henry Herringman , and are to be sold by T. Basset at the George in Fleetstreet , 1684.

HUDIBRAS . The ARGUMENT of The FIRST CANTO . Sir Hudibras his passing worth , The manner how he sally'd forth : His Arms and Equipage are shown ; His Horse's vertues , and his own . Th' Adventure of the Bear and Fiddle Is sung , but breaks off in the middle . CANTO I. WHen civil Fury first grew high , And men fell out they knew not why ; When hard words , Jealousies and Fears , Set Folks together by the Ears , And made them fight , like mad or drunk , For Dame Religion as for Punk , Whose honesty they all durst swear for , Though not a man of them know wherefore : When Gospel-Trumpeter , surrounded With long-ear'd rout to Battel sounded , And Pulpit , Drum Ecclesiastick , Was beat with fist , instead of a stick : Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling , And out he rode a Colonelling . A Wight he was whose very sight wou'd Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood ; That never bent his stubborn knee To any thing but Chivalry ; Nor put up blow , but that which laid Right Worshipful on Shoulder-blade ; Chief of Domestick Knights and Errant , Either for Chartel or for Warrant : Great on the Bench , Great in the Saddle , That could as well bind o're , as swaddle : Mighty he was at both of these , And styl'd of War as well as Peace . ( So some Rats of amphibious nature , Are either for the Land or Water . ) But here our Authors make a doubt , Whether he were more wise , or stout Some hold the one , and some the other : But howsoe'r they make a pother , The difference was so small , his Brain Outweigh'd his Rage but half a Grain : Which made some take him for a Tool That Knaves do work with , call'd a Fool. And offer to lay wagers , that As Mountaigne , playing with his Cat , Complains she thought him but an Ass , Much more she would Sir Hudibras . ( For that 's the Name our valiant Knight To all his Challenges did write . ) But they 'r mistaken very much , 'T is plain enough he was no such . We grant , although he had much wit , H' was very shie of using it , As being loath to wear it out , And therefore bore it not about . Unless on Holy-days , or so , As Men their best Apparel do . Beside 't is known he could speak Greek , As naturally as Pigs squeek : That Latine was no more difficile , Than to a Blackbird 't is to whistle . Being rich in both he never scanted His Bounty unto such as wanted ; But much of either would afford To many that had not one word . For Hebrew Roots , although th' are found To flourish most in barren ground , He had such plenty , as suffic'd To make some think him circumcis'd : And truly so perhaps , he was 'T is many a Pious Christians case , He was in Logick a great Critick , Profoundly skill'd in Analytick . He could distinguish , and divide A Hair 'twixt South and South-West side : On either which he would dispute , Confute , change hands , and still confute . He 'd undertake to prove by force Of Argument , a Man 's no Horse . He 'd prove a Buzard is no Fowl , And that a Lord may be an Owl ; A Calf an Alderman , a Goose a Justice , And Rooks Committee-men and Trustees He 'd run in Debt by Disputation , And pay with Ratiocination . All this by Syllogism , true In Mood and Figure , he would do . For Rhetorick , he could not ope His mouth , but out there flew a Trope : And when he hapned to break off I' th middle of his speech , or cough , H 'had hard words , ready to shew why , And tell what Rules he did it by . Else when with greatest Art he spoke , You 'd think he talk'd like other folk . For all a Rhetoricians Rules Teach nothing but to name his Tools : His ordinary Rate of speech In loftiness of sound was rich ; A Babilonish dialect , Which learned Pedants much affect . It was a parti-colour'd dress Of patch'd and pyball'd Languages : 'T was English cut on Greek and Latin , Like Fustian heretofore on Sattin . It had an odd promiscuous Tone , As if h' had talk'd three parts in one . Which made some think when he did gabble , Th' had heard three Labourers of Babel ; Or Cerberus himself pronounce A Leash of Languages at once . This he as volubly would vent , As if his stock would ne'r be spent . And truly to support that charge He had supplies as vast and large . For he could coyn or counterfeit New words with little or no wit : Words so debas'd and hard , no stone Was hard enough to touch them on . And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em , The Ignorant for currant took 'em . That had the Orator who once , Did fill his Mouth with Pebble stones When he harangu'd ; but known his Phrase He would have us'd no other ways . In Mathematicks he was greater . Then Tycho-Brahe , or Erra Pater : For he by Geometrick scale Could take the size of Pots of Ale ; Resolve by Signes and Tangents straight , If Bread or Butter wanted weight ; And wisely tell what hour o' th day The Clock does strike , by Algebra . Beside he was a shrewd Philospher ; And had read every Text and Gloss over : What e're the crabbed'st Author hath He understood b'implicit Faith , What ever Sceptick could inquere for ; For every why he had a wherefore : Knew more then forty of them do , As far as words and terms could go . All which he understood by Rote , And as occasion serv'd , would quote ; No matter whether right or wrong : They might be either said or sung . His Notions fitted things so well , That which was which he could not tell ; But oftentimes mistook the one For th' other , as Great Clerks have done . He could reduce all things to Acts And knew their Natures by Abstracts , Where Entity and Quiddity The Ghosts of defunct Bodies flie ; Where Truth in Person does appear , Like words congeal'd in Northern Air , He knew what 's what , and that 's as high As Metaphysick wit can fly . In School-Divinity as able As he that hight Irrefragable ; Profound in all the Nominal And real ways beyond them all ; And with as delicate a hand Could twist as tough a Rope of Sand ; And weave fine Cobwebs , fit for skull That 's empty when the Moon is full ; Such as take Lodgings in a Head That 's to be lett unfurnished . He could raise Scruples dark and nice , And after solve'em in a trice : As if Divinity had catch'd The Itch , of purpose to be scratch'd ; Or , like a Mountebank , did wound And stab her self with doubts profound , Only to shew with how small pain The sores of faith are cur'd again ; Although by woful proof we find , They always leave a Scar behind . He knew the Seat of Paradise , Could tell in what degree it lies : And , as he was dispos'd , could prove it , Below the Moon , or else above it What Adam dreamt of when his Bride Came from her Closet in his side : Whether the Devil tempted her By a High Dutch Interpreter : If either of them had a Navel ; Who first made Musick malleable : Whether the Serpent at the fall Had cloven Feet , or none at all . All this without a Gloss or Comment , He would unridle in a moment In proper terms , such as men smatter When they throw out and miss the matter : For his Religion it was fit To match his Learning and his Wit : 'T was Presbyterian true blew , For he was of that stubborn Crew Of Errant Saints , whom all men grant To be the true Church Militant : Such as do build their Faith upon The holy Text of Pike and Gun ; Decide all Controversies by Infallible Artillery ; And prove their Doctrine Orthodox By Apostolick Blows and Knocks ; Call Fire and Sword and Desolation , A godly-thorough-Reformation , Which always must be carry'd on , And still be doing , never done : As if Religion were intended For nothing else but to be mended . A Sect , whose chief Devotion lies In odd preverse Antipathies ; In falling out with that or this , And finding somewhat still amiss : More peevish , cross , and spleenatick . Then Dog distract , or Monky sick , That with more care keep Holy-day The wrong , than others the right way : Compound for Sins , they are inclin'd to , By damning those they have no mind to ; Still so perverse and opposite , As if they worshipp'd God for spight . The self-same thing they will abhor One way , and long another for . Free-will they one way disavow , Another , nothing else allow . All Piety consists therein In them , in other men all Sin . Rather than fail , they will defy That which they love most tenderly ; Quarrel with minc'd Pies , and disparage Their best and dearest friend , Plum-porridge ; Fat Pig and Goose it self oppose , And blaspheme Custard through the Nose . Th' Apostles of this fierce Religion , Like Mahomet's , were Ass and Widgeon , To whom our Knight by fast instinct Of Wit and Temper was so linkt , As if Hypocrisy and Non-sence Had got th' Advouson of his Conscience . Thus was he gifted and accouter'd , We mean on th' inside , not the outward : That next of all we shall discuss ; Then listen Sirs , It followeth thus . His tawny Beard was th' equal grace Both of his Wisdom and his Face ; In Cut and Dy so like a Tile , A sudden view it would beguile : The upper part thereof was Whey , The neither Orange mixt with Grey . This hairy Meteor did denounce The fall of Scepters and of Crowns ; With grizly type did represent Declining Age of Government ; And tell with Hieroglyphick Spade , It s own grave and the State 's were made . Like Sampson's Heart-breakers , it grew In time to make a Nation rue ; Though it contributed its own fall , To wait upon the publick downfall . It was Canonick , and did grow In Holy Orders by strict vow ; Of Rule as sullen and severe , As that of rigid Cordeliere : 'T was bound to suffer Persecution And Martyrdome with resolution ; T' oppose it self against the hate And vengeance of th' incensed State : In whose defiance it was worn , Still ready to be pull'd and torn , With red-hot Irons to be tortur'd , Revil'd , and spit upon , and martyr'd . Maugre all which , 't was to stand fast , As long as Monarchy should last . But when the State should hap to reel , 'T was to submit to fatal steel , And fall , as it was consecrate A Sacrifice to fall of State ; Whose thred of life the fatal Sisters Did twist together with its Whiskers , And twine so close , that time should never , In life or death , their fortunes sever ; But with his rusty Sickle mow Both down together at a blow . So learned Taliacotius from The brawny part of Porter's Bum , Cut supplemental Noses , which Would last as long as Parent breech : But when the Date of Nock was out , Off dropt the Sympathetick Snout . His Back , or rather Burthen , show'd As if it stoop'd with its own load . For as Aeneas bore his Sire Upon his Shoulders through the Fire : Our Knight did bear no less a Pack Of his own Buttocks on his Back : Which now had almost got the Upper - Hand of his Head , for want of Crupper . To poize this equally , he bore A Paunch of the same bulk before : Which still he had a special care To keep well cram'd with thrifty fare ; As White-pot , Butter-milk , and Curds , Such as a Countrey house affords ; With other Victual , which anon We further shall dilate upon , When of his Hose we come to treat , The Cup-bord where he kept his meat . His Doublet was of sturdy Buff , And though not Sword , yet Cudgel-proof ; Whereby 't was fitter for his use , That fear'd no blows but such as bruise . His Breeches were of rugged Woollen , And had been at the Siege of Bullen ; To old King Harry so well known , Some Writers held they were his own . Through they were lin'd with many a piece Of Ammunition-Bread and Cheese , And fat Black puddings , proper food For Warriers that delight in Blood : For , as we said , He always chose To carry Vittle in his Hose . That often tempted Rats , and Mice , The Ammunition to surprize : And when he put a Hand but in The one or th' other Magazine , They stoutly in defence on 't stood And from the wounded Foe drew bloud And till th' were storm'd , and beaten out Ne'r left the Fortify'd Redoubt ; And though Knights Errant , as some think , Of old did neither eat nor drink , Because when thorough Deserts vast And Regions desolate they past , Where Belly-timber above ground Or under was not to be found , Unless they graz'd , there 's not one word Of their Provision on Record : Which made some confidently write , They had no stomachs , but to fight , 'T is false : for Arthur wore in Hall Round Table like a Farthingal , On which , with Shirt pull'd out behind , And eke before his good Knights din'd . Though 't was no Table , some suppose , But a huge pair of round Trunk-hose ; In which he carry'd as much meat As he and all his Knights could eat , When laying by their Swords and Truncheons , They took their Breakfasts or their Nuncheons , But let that pass at present , lest We should forget where we digrest ; As Learned Authors use , to whom We leave it , and to th' purpose come . His puissant Sword unto his side Near his undaunted Heart was ty'd , With Basket-hilt , that would hold broth , And serve for Fight and Dinner both . In it he melted Lead for Bullets To shoot at Foes ; and sometimes Pullets , To whom he bore so fell a Grutch , He ne'r gave quarter t' any such . The trenchant blade , Toledo trusty , For want of fighting was grown rusty , And ate into it self , for lack Of some body to hew and hack . The peaceful Scabbard where it dwelt , The Rancor of its Edge had felt : For of the lower end two handfull , It had devoured 't was so manfull ; And so much scorn'd to lurk in case , As if it durst not shew its face . In many desperate Attempts , Of Wars , Exigents , Contempts , It had appear'd with Courage bolder Than Sergant Bum , invading shoulder . Oft had it ta'ne possession , And Pris'ners too , or made them run . This Sword a Dagger had his Page , That was but little for his age : And therefore waited on him so , As Dwarfs upon Knights Errant do . It was a serviceable Dudgeon , Either for fighting or for drudging When it had stabb'd , or broke a head , It would scrape Trenchers , or chip Bread , Toast Cheese or Bacon , though it were To bait a Mouse-trap , 't would not care . 'T would make clean shooes , and in the Earth Set Leeks and Onions , and so forth . It had been Prentice to a Brewer , Where this and more it did endure . But left the Trade , as many more Have lately done on the same score . In th' Holsters , at his Saddle-bow , Two aged Pistols he did stow , Among the surplus of such meat As in his Hose he could not get . They were upon hard Duty still , And every night stood Sentinel , To guard the Magazine i' th' Hose From two legg'd and from four legg'd Foes . Thus clad and fortify'd , Sir Knight From peaceful home set forth to fight . But first with nimble active force He got on th' outside of his Horse . For having but one stirrup ty'd T' his Saddle , on the further side , It was so short , h' had much ado To reach it with his desperate Toe . But after many strains and heaves , He got up to the Saddle eaves . From whence he vaulted into th' seat With so much vigor , strength , and heat That he had almost tumbled over With his own weight , but did recover , By laying hold on Tail and Mane , Which oft he us'd instead of Reyn. But now we talk of mounting Steed , Before we further do proceed , It doth behove us to say something , Of that which bore our valiant Bumkin . The Beast was sturdy , large , and tall , With Mouth of meal and Eyes of Wall : I would say Eye , for h' had but one , As most agree though some say none . He was well stay'd , and in his Gate Preserv'd a grave , majestick state . At Spur or Switch no mor he skipt , Or mended pace , then Spaniard whipt : And yet so fiery , he would bound , As if he grive'd to touch the Ground : That Caesar's Horse , who , as Fame goes , Had Corns upon his Feet and Toes , Was not by half so tender-hooft , Nor trode upon the ground so soft . And as that Beast would kneel and stoop , ( Some write ) to take his Rider up : So Hudibras his ( 't is well known ) Would often do , to set him down . We shall not need to say what lack Of Leather was upon his back : For that was hidden under pad , And breech of Knight gall'd full as bad . His strutting Ribs on both sides show'd Like furrows he himself had plow'd : For underneath the skirt of Pannel , 'Twixt every two there was a Channel . His dragling Tail hung in the Dirt , Which on his Rider he would flurt Still as his tender side he prickt , With arm'd heel or with unarm'd kickt : For Hudibras wore but one Spur , As wisely knowing , could he stir To active trot one side of 's Horse , The other would not hang an Arse . A Squire he had whose name was Ralph , That in th' adventure went his half . ( Though Writers , for more stately tone , Do call him Ralpho , 't is all one : And whan we can with Meeter safe , Wel call him so , if not plain Raph , For Rhime the Rudder is of Verses , With which like Ships they stear their courses . An equal stock of Wit and Valour He had laid in , by birth a Taylor . The mighty Tyrian Queen that gain'd With subtle shreds a Tract of Land , Did leave it with a Castle fair To his great Ancestor , her Heir : From him descended cross-legg'd Knights , Fam'd for their Faith and warlike Fights Against the bloudy Canibal , Whom they destroy'd both great and small . This sturdy Squire had as well As the bold Trojan Knight , seen Hell , Not with a counterfeited Pass Of Golden Bough , but true Gold-lace . His Knowledge was not far behind The Knight's , but of another kind , And by another way came by 't , Some call it Gifts , and some New light ; A liberal Art , that costs no pains Of Study , Industry , or Brains . His Wits were sent him for a Token , But in the Carriage crackt and broken . Like Commendation Nine-pence , crookt With to and from my Love , it lookt , He ne'r consider'd it , as loath To look a Gift-Horse in the mouth ; And very wisely would lay forth No more upon it than 't was worth . But as he got it freely , so He spent it frank and freely too . For Saints themselves will sometimes be Of Gifts that cost them nothing , free . By means of this , with hem and cough , Prolongers to enlightned Snuff , He could deep Mysteries unriddle , As easily as thread a Needle ; For as of Vagabonds we say , That they are ne'r beside their way : Whate'r men speak by this New light , Still they are sure to be i' th' right . 'T is a dark-Lanthorn of the Spirit , Which none see by but those that bear it : A Light that falls down from on high , For Spiritual Trades to cousen by : An Ignis Fatuus that bewitches , And leads Men into Pools and Ditches , To make them dip themselves , and sound For Christendom in dirty pond ; To dive like Wild-foul for Salvation , And fish to catch Regeneration . This Light inspires , and plays upon The noise of Saint like Bag-pipe drone , And speaks through hollow empty Soul , As through a Trunk , or whisp'ring hole , Such language as no mortal Ear But spiritual Eaves-droppers can hear . So Phoebus or some friendly Muse Into small Poets song infuse ; Which they at second-hand reherse Through Reed or Bag-pipe , Verse for Verse ▪ Thus Ralph became infallible , As three or four-legg'd Oracle , The ancient Cup , or modern Chair ; Spoke truth point-blank , though unaware : For mystick Learning , wonderous able In Magick Talisman , and Cabal , Whose primitive tradition reaches As far as Adam's first green breches : Deep-sighted in Intelligences , Idea's , Atomes , Influences ; And much of Terra Incognita , Th' Intelligible world could say ; A deep occult Philosopher , As learn'd as the Wild Irish are , Or Sir Agrippa , for profound And solid Lying much renown'd : He Anthroposophus , and Floud , And Jacob Behmen understood ; Knew many an Amulet and Charm , That would do neither good nor harm : In Rosy-Crucian Lore as Learned , As he that Vere adeptus earned . He understood the speech of Birds As well as they themselves do words : Could tell what subtlest Parrots mean , That speak and think contrary clean ; What Member 't is of whom they talk When they cry Rope , and Walk , Knave , Walk . He 'd extract numbers out of matter , And keep them in a Glass , like water , Of Sov'raign pow'r to make men wise ; For dropt in blere , thick-sighted Eies , They 'd make them see in darkest night , Like Owls , though pur-blind in the li●h● ▪ By help of these ( as he profest ) He had First Matter seen undrest : He took her naked all alone , Before one Rag of Form was on . The Chaos too he had descry'd , And seen quite through , or else he ly'd : Not that of Past-board which men shew For Groats at Fair of Bartholomew ; But its great Grandsire , first o' th' name , Whence that and Reformation came : Both Cousin-germans , and right able T' inveigle and draw in the Rabble . But Reformatiom was , some say , O' th' younger house to Puppet-play . He could foretell what 's ' ever was By consequence to come to pass . As Death of Great men , Alterations , Diseases , Battels , Inundations . All this without th' eclipse of Sun , Or dreadful Comet , he hath done By inward light , a way as good , And easy to be understood . But with more lucky hit than those That use to make the Stars depose , Like Knights o' th' Post , and falsly charge Upon themselves what others forge : As if they were consenting to All mischief in the World men do : Or like the Dev'l , did tempt and sway 'em To Rogueries , and then betray 'em . They 'l search a Planet's house , to know Who broke and robb'd a house below : Examine Venus , and the Moon Who stole a Thimble or a Spoon : And though they nothing will confess , Yet by their very looks can guess , And tell what guilty Aspect bodes , Who stole , and who receiv'd the Goods . They 'l question Mars , and by his look Detect who 't was that nimm'd a Cloke : Make Mercury confess and peach Those Thieves which he himself did teach . They 'l find i' th' Phisiognomies O' th' Planets all mens destinies . Like him that took the Doctor 's Bill , And swallow'd it instead o' th' Pill . Cast the Nativity o' th' Question , And from Positions to be guest on , As sure as if they knew the Moment Of Natives birth , tell what will come on 't . They 'l feel the Pulses of the Stars , To find out Agues , Coughs , Catarrhs ; And tell what Crysis does divine The Rot in Sheep , or Mange in Swine , In men what gives or cures the Itch , What makes them Cuckolds , poor or rich : What gains or loses , hangs or saves ; What makes men great , what fools or Knaves ; But not what wise , for only of those The Stars ( they say ) cannot dispose , No more than can the Astrologians . There they say right , and like true Trojans . This Ralpho knew , and therefore took The other course , of which we spoke . Thus was th' accomplish'd Squire endu'd With Gifts and Knowledge , per'lous shrewd . Never did trusty Squire with Knight , Or Knight with Squire jump more right . Their Arms and Equipage did fit , As well as Vertues , parts , and wit . Their Valours too were of a Rate , And out they sally'd at the Gate ▪ Few miles on horseback had they jogged , But fortune unto them turn'd dogged . For they a sad Adventure met , Of which we now prepare to Treat : But e'r we venture to unfold Atchievments so resolv'd and bold , We should , as learned Poets use , Invoke th' assistance of some Muse ; However Criticks count it sillier Than Juglers talking t' a Familiar . We think 't is no great matter which , They 're all alike , yet we shall pitch On one that fits our purpose most , Whom therefore thus do we accost . Thou that with Ale or viler Liquors , Didst inspire Withers , Pryn , and Vickars , And force them , though it were in spight Of Nature , and their Stars , to write ; Who , as we find in sullen Writs , And cross-grain'd Works of modern Wits , With Vanity , Opinion , Want , The wonder of the Ignorant , The praises of the Author , penn'd By himself , or wit-ensuring friend , The Itch of Picture in the Front , With Bays , and wicked Rhyme upon 't , All that is left o' th' forked Hill To make men scribble without skill , Canst make a Poet , spight of fate , And teach all People to translate ; Though out of Languages in which They understand no Part of Speech : Assist me but this once , I'mplore , And I shall trouble thee no more . In Western Clime there is a Town To those that dwell therein well known ; Therefore there needs no more be sed here We unto them refer our Reader : For brevity is very good , When w' are , or are not understood . To this Town People did repair On days of Market or of Fair , And to crack'd Fiddle , and hoarse Tabor In merriment did drudge and labor : But now a sport more formidable Had rak'd together Village rabble . T was an old way of Recreating , Which learned Butchers call Bear-baiting : A bold advent'rous exercise , With ancient Hero's in high prize ; For Authors do affirm it came From Isthmian or Nemean game . Others derive it from the Bear That 's fixt in Northern Hemispere , And round about the Pole does make A circle like a Bear at stake , That at the Chain 's end wheels about , And over-turns the Rabble-rout . For after solemn Proclamation In the Bear 's name ( as is the fashion , According to the Law of Arms , To keep men from inglorious harms ) That none presume to come so near As forty foot of stake of Bear ; If any yet be so fool-hardy , T' expose themselves to vain Jeopardy ; If they come wounded off and lame , No honour 's got by such a maim . Although the Bear gain much , b'ing bound In honor to make good his ground . When he 's engag'd , and take no notice , If any press upon him , who 't is , But let them know at their own cost That he intends to keep his post . This to prevent , and other harms , Which always wait on feats of Arms , ( For in the hurry of a Fray 'T is hard to keep out of harm's way ) Thither the Knight his course did stear , To keep the peace 'twixt Dog and Bear ; As he believ'd h' was bound to do In Conscience and Commission too . And therefore thus bespoke the Squire ; We that are wisely mounted higher Than Constables ; in Curule wit , When on Tribunal bench we sit , Like Speculators ; should foresee , From Pharos of Authority . Portended Mischiefs farther then Low Proletarian Tithing-men . And therefore being inform'd by bruit , That Dog and Bear are to dispute ; For so of late men fighting name , Because they often prove the same ; ( For where the first does hap to be , The last does coincidere ) Quantum in nobis , have thought good , To save th' expence of Christian bloud , And try if we by Mediation Of Treaty and accommodation Can end the Quarrel , and compose The bloudy Duel without blows . Are not our Liberties , our Lives , The Laws , Religion , and our Wives Enough at once to lye at stake , For Cov'nant and the Cause's sake ; But in the quarrel Dogs and Bears , As well as we must venture theirs ? This Feud by Jesuits invented , By evil Counsel is fomented . There is a Machiavilian Plot , ( Though ev'ry Nare olfact it not ) A deep design in 't , to divide The well-affected that confide , By setting Brother against Brother , To claw and curry one another . Have we not enemies plus satis , That Cane & angue pejus hate us ? And shall we turn our fangs and claws Upon our own selves , without cause ? That some occult design dothly In bloudy Cynarctomachy , Is plain enough to him that knows How Saints lead Brothers by the Nose . I wish my self a Pseudo-Prophet , But sure some mischief will come of it : Unless by providential wit Or force we averruncate it . For what design , what interest Can Beast have to encounter Beast ? They fight for no espoused Cause , Frail Priviledge , Fundemental Laws ; Nor for a thorough Reformation , Nor Covenant , nor Protestation ; Nor Liberty of Consciences , Nor Lords and Commons Ordinances ; Nor for the Church , nor for Church-Lands , To get them in their own no Hands ; Nor evil Counsellors to bring To Justice that seduce the King ; Nor for the worship of us men , Though we have done as much for them . Th' Egyptians worshiped Dogs , and for Their faith made fierce and zealous War . Others ador'd a Rat , and some For that Church suffer'd martyrdome . The Indians fought for the truth Of th' Elephent , and Monkey's Tooth : And many , to defend that faith , Fought it out mordicus to death . But no Beasts ever was so slight , For Man , as for his God , to fight . They have more wit , alas ! and know Themselves and us better than so . But we , we only do infuse The Rage in them like Boute-feus . 'T is our example that instills In them th' infection of our ills . For , as some late Philosphers Have well observ'd , Beasts that converse With Man , take after him , as Hogs Get Pigs all th' year , and Bitches Dogs . Just so by our example Cattle Learn to give one another Battel . We read in Nero's time , the Heathen , When they destroy'd the Christian Brethren , They sow'd them in the skins of Bears , And then set Dogs about their Ears : From whence , no doubt , th' invention came Of this lewd Antichristian Game . To this , quoth Ralpho , Verily , The Point seems very plain to be . It is an Antichristian Game , Unlawful both in thing and name , First for the name , The word Bear-baiting Is carnal , and of man's creating : For certainly there 's no such word In all the Scripture on record . Therefore unlawful and a sin , And so is ( secondly ) the thing . A vile Assembly 't is , that can No more be prov'd by Scripture than Provincial , Classick , National ; Mere humane Creature-Cobwebs all . Thirdly , it is Idolatrous . For when men run a-whoring thus With their Inventions whatsoe'r The thing be , whether Dog or Bear , 〈◊〉 Idolatrous and Pagan No less than worshiping of Dagon . Quoth Hudibras , I smell a Rat ; Ralpho , thou dost prevaricate . For though the Thesis which thou lay'st Be true ad amussim as thou say'st : ( For that Bear-baiting should appear Jure Divino lawfuller Than Synods are , thou dost deny , Totidem verbis so do I ) Yet there 's a fallacy in this : For if by fly Homoeosis , Thou wouldst Sophistically imply Both are unlawful , I deny . And I ( quoth Ralpho ) do not doubt But Bear-baiting may be made out In Gospel-times , as lawful as is Provincial or Parochial Classis : And that both are so near of kin , And like in all as well as sin , That put them in a bag and shake 'em , Your self o' th' sudden would mistake 'em , And not know which is which , unless You measure by their Wickedness : For 't is not hard t' imagine whether O' th' two is worst , though I name neither . Quoth Hudibras , Thou offer'st much , But art not able to keep touch . Mira de lente , as 't is i' th' Adage , Id est , to make a Leek a Cabbage . Thou canst at best but overstrain A Paradox , and th' own hot brain For what can Synods have at all With Bears that 's analogical ? Or what relation has debating Of Church-Affairs with Bear-baiting ? A just comparison still is , Of things ejusdem generis . And then what Genus rightly doth Include , and comprehend them both ? If Animal , both of us may As justly pass for Bears as they . For we are Animals no less , Although of different Specieses . But , Ralpho this is no fit place Nor time to argue out the Case : For now the Field is not far off , Where we must give the world a proof Of Deeds , not Words , and such as suit Another manner of Dispute . A Controversy that affords Actions for Arguments , ●ot Words : Which we must manage at a rate Of Prowess and Conduct adaequate To what our place and fame doth promise , And all the godly expect from us . Nor shall they be deceiv'd , unless W' are slurr'd and outed by success : Success , the mark no mortal wit , Or surest hand can always hit : For whatsoe're we perpetrate , We do but row , w' are steer'd by Fate , Which in s●ccess oft disinherits , For spurious causes , noblest merits . Great Actions are not always true Sons Of great and mighty Resolutions : Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth Events still equal to their worth ; But sometimes fail , and in their stead Fortune and Cowardise succeed . Yet we have no great cause to doubt , Our actions still have born us out . Which though th' are known to be so ample , We need no copy from example , We ' are not the only person durst , Attempt this Province , nor the first . In Northern Clime a valorous Knight Did whilom kill his Bear in fight , And wound a Fidler : we have both Of these the objects of our wroth , And equal Fame and Glory from Th' Attempt or Victory to come . 'T is sung , There is a valiant Mamaluke In forreign Land , yclep'd — To whom we have been oft compar'd For Person , Parts , Address , and Beard ; Both equally reputed stout , And in the same Cause both have fought . He oft in such Attempts as these Came off with glory and success , Nor will we fail in th' execution , For want of equal Resolution . Honor is , like a Widow , won With brisk Attempt and putting on ; With entring manfully , and urging ; Not slow approaches , like a Virgin . This said , as once the Phrygian Knight , So ours with rusty steel did smite His Trojan Horse , and just as much He mended pace upon the touch ; But from his empty stomach groan'd Just as that hollow Beast did sound , And angry answer'd from behind , With brandish'd Tail and blast of Wind. So have I seen with armed heel , A Wight bestride a Common-weal ; While still the more he kick'd and spurr'd , The less the sullen Jade has stirr'd .

The ARGUMENT of The SECOND CANTO . The Catalogue and Character Of th' Enemies best Men of War ; Whom in a bold Harangue , the Knight Defy's , and challenges to fight : H' incounters Talgol , routs the Bear , And takes the Fidler Prisoner ; Conveys him to enchanted Castle , There shuts him fast in Wooden Bastile . CANTO II. THere was an ancient sage Philosopher , That had read Alexander Ross over , And swore the World , as he could prove , Was made of Fighting and of Love : Just so Romances are , for what else Is in them all , but Love and Battles ? O' th' first of these w' have no great matter To treat of , but a World o' th' latter : In which to do the injur'd Right We mean in what concerns just fight . Certes our Authors are to blame , For to make some well sounding name A Pattern fit for modern Knights , To copy out in Frays and Fights , ( Like those that a whole streat do raze , To build a Palace in the place . ) They never care how many others They kill , without regard of Mothers , Or Wives , or Children , so they can Make up some fierce dead-doing man , Compos'd of many ingredient Valors Just like the Manhood of nine Taylors . So a wild Tartar when he spies A man that 's handsome , valiant , wise , If he can kill him , thinks t' inherit His Wit , his Beauty , and his Spirit : As if just so much he enjoy'd As in another is destroy'd . For when a Giant 's slain in fight , And mow'd o'rthwart , or cleft downright , It is a heavy case , no doubt . A man should have his Brains beat out , Because he 's tall , and has large Bones ; As men kill Beavers for their Stones . But as for our part , we shall tell The naked Truth of what befell ; And as an equal friend to both The Knight and Bear , but more to Troth , With neither Faction shall take part , But give to each his due desert : And never coyn a formal lye on 't , To make the Knight o'rcome the Giant . This b'ing profest , we hope 's enough , And now go on where we left off . They rod , but Authors having not Determin'd whether Pace or Trot , ( That is to say , whether Tollutation , As they do tearm 't , or Succussation ) We leave it , and go on , as now Suppose they did , no matter how . Yet some from subtle hints have got Mysterious light , it was a Trot. But let that pass : they now begun To spur their living Engines on : For as whipp'd Tops and bandy'd Balls , The learned hold , are Animals : So Horses they affirm to be Mere Engines made by Geometry , And were invented first from Engins , As Indian Britans were from Penguins . So let them be , and , as I was saying , They their live Engines ply'd , not staying Until they reach'd the fatal champain , Which the Enemy did then incamp on , The dire Pharsalian Plain , where Battel Was to be wag'd 'twixt puissant Cattel , And fierce Auxiliary Men , That came to aid their Brethren : Who now began to take the Field As from his Steed the Knight beheld : For as our modern wits behold , Mounted a Pick-back on the Old , Much further off , much further he Rais'd on his aged Beast could see : Yet not sufficient to descry All postures of the enemy . And therefore orders the bold Squire T' advance , and view their Body nigher That when their motions he had known , He might know how to fit his own . Mean while he stopp'd his willing Steed , To fit himself for Martial deed : Both kinds of mettle he prepar'd , Either to give blows , or to ward , Courage within , and Steel without , To give , or to receive a Rout. His Death-charg'd Pistols he did fit well , Drawn out from life-preserving vittle . These being prim'd , with force he labour'd To free 's Sword from retentive Scabbard : And after many a painful pluck , He clear'd at length the rugged Tuck . Then shook himself , to see that Prowess In Scabbard of his Arms sate loose ; And rais'd upon his desperate foot On stirrup side he gaz'd about , Portending Bloud , like Blazing Star , The Beacon of approaching War . The Squire advanc'd with greater speed Than could b' expected from his Steed ; But far more in returning made , For now the Foe he had survey'd Rang'd , as to him they did appear , With Van , main Battel , Wings and Rear . In th' head of all this Warlike Rabble Crowdero march'd , expert and able : Instead of Trumpet and of Drum , That makes the Warrier's stomach come , Whose noise whets Valour sharp , like Beer By Thunder turn'd to Vineger . ( For if a Trumpet sound or Drum beat , Who has not a months mind to combat ? ) A squeaking Engine he apply'd Unto his Neck , on North-east side , Just where the Hangman does dispose To special friends the fatal Noose : For 't is great Grace when Statsmen straight Dispatch a friend , let others wait . His warped Ear hung o're the strings , Which was but Souce to Chitterlings : For Guts , some write , e're they are sodden , Are fit for Musick ; or for Pudden : From whence men borrow ev'ry kind Of Minstrelsy , by string or wind . His grizly Beard was long and thick , With which he strung his Fiddle-stick . For he to Horse-tail scorn'd to owe , For what on his own chin did grow . Chiron , the four legg'd Bard , had both A Beard and Tail of his own growth , And yet by Authors 't is averr'd , He made use only of his Beard . In Staffordshire where Vertuous worth Does raise the Minstrelsy , not Birth ; Where Bulls do chuse the boldest King And Ruler , o're the men of string ; ( As once in Persia , t is said , Kings were proclaim'd by a Horse that neigh'd ) He bravely vent'ring at a Crown , By chance of War was beaten down , And wounded sore : his Leg then broke , Had got a Deputy of Oke : For when a shin in fight is cropt , The knee with one of timber's propt ; Esteem'd more honourable than the other , And takes place , though the younger Brother . Next march'd Brave Orsin , famous for Wise Conduct , and success in War : A skilful Leader , stout , severe , Now Marshal to the Champion Bear . With Truncheon tipp'd with Iron-head , The Warrior to the lists he led ; With solemn march and stately pace , But far more grave and solemn face : Grave as the Emperor of Pegu , Or Spanish Potentate Don Diego . This Leader was of knowledge great , Either for Charge or for Retreat . Knew when t' engage his Bear Pel-mel And when to bring him off as well . So Lawyers , lest the Bear Defendant , And Plaintiff Dog should make an end on 't ▪ Do stave and tail with Writs of Error , Reverse of Judgment , and Demurrer , To let them breath a while , and then Cry whoop , and set them on agen . As Romulus a Wolf did rear , So he was dry-nurs'd by a Bear , That fed him with the purchas'd prey Of many a fierce and bloudy fray ; Bred up , where Discipline most rare is , In Military Garden-Paris . For Soldiers heretofore did grow In Gardens , just as Weeds do now ; Until some splay-foot Polyticians , T' Apollo offer'd up Petitions , For licensing a new invention Th' ●ad found out , of an antique Engine To root out all the Weeds that grow In publick Garden at a blow , And leave th' Herbs standing . Quoth Sir Sun , My friends , that is not to be done . Not done ? quoth Statesmen ; yes , an 't please ye , When 't is once known you 'l say 't is easy . Why then let 's know it , quoth Apollo . We 'l beat a Drum , and they 'l all follow . A Drum ( quoth Phoebus ) troth that 's true , A pretty invention quaint and new . But though of Voice and Instrument We are ( 't is true ) chief President ; We such loud Musick do not profess , The Devil's Master of that Office , Where it must pass , if 't be a Drum , He 'l sign it with Cler. Parl. Dom. Com. To him apply your selves , and he Will soon dispatch you for his Fee . They did so , but it prov'd so ill , Th' had better have let let them grow there still . But to resume what we discoursing Wee on before , that is , stout Orsin : That which so oft by sundry writers Has been apply'd t' almost all fighters , More justly may b' ascrib'd to this , Than any other Warrior , ( viz. ) None ever acted both parts bolder , Both of a Chieftain and a Soldier . He was of great descent and high , For Splendor and Antiquity , And from Celestial origine Deriv'd himself in a right Line . Not as the ancient Hero's did , Who , that their base births might be hid , ( Knowing they were of doubtful gender , And that they came in at a Windore ) Made Jupiter himself and others O' th' Gods Gallants to their own Mothers , ( To get on them a Race of Champions , Of which old Homer first made Lampoons ) Arctophylax in Northern Sphere Was his undoubted Ancestor : From him his Great Forefathers came . And in all Ages bore his name . Learned he was in Medc'nal Lore , For by his side a Pouch he wore Replete with strange Hermetick Powder , That Wounds six miles point-blanck would solder By skilful Chymist with great cost Extracted from a rotten Post ; But of a heav'nlier influence Than that which Mountebanks dispense ; Though by Promothean Fire made , As they do quack that drive that Trade . For as when Slovens do amiss At others doors by Stool or Piss , The learned write , a Red-hot Spit , B'ing prudently apply'd to it , Will convey mischief from the Dung Unto the part that did the wrong : So this did healing , and as sure As that did mischief , this would cure . Thus vertuous Orsin was endu'd , With Learning , Conduct , Fortitude , Incomparable : and as the Prince Of Poets , Homer , sung long since , A skilful Leech is better far Than half a hundred Men of War ; So he appear'd and by his skill , No less than Dint of Sword could kill . The Gallant Bruin marcht next him , With Visage formidably grim , And rugged as a Saracen , Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin ; Clad in a Mantle della Guer Of rough impenetrable Fur ; And in his Nose , like Indian King , He wore for ornament a Ring ; About his Neck a three-fold Gorget , As tough as treabled leathern Target ; Armed , as Heraulds cant , and langued , Or , as the Vulgar say , sharp fanged . For as the Teeth in Beasts of Prey Are Swords , with which they fight in Fray ; So Swords , in Men of War are Teeth , Which they do eat their Vittle with . He was by birth , some Authors write , A Russian , some a Muscovite , And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred , Of whom we in Diurnals read , That serve to fill up Pages here , As with their Bodies Ditches there . Scrimansky was his Cousin-german , With whom he serv'd , and fed on Vermin : And when these fail'd he 'd suck his claws , And quarter himself upon his paws . And though his Countrey-men , the Huns , Did use to stew between their Bums , And their warm Horses backs , their meat And ev'ry man his Saddle eat : He was not half so nice as they , But eat it raw when 't came in 's way . He had trac'd Countreys far and near , More than Le Blanc the Traveller ; Who writes , He Spous'd in India Of noble house a Lady gay , And got on her a Race of Worthies As stout as any upon Earth is Full many a Fight for him between Talgol and Orsin oft had been ; Each striving to deserve the Crown Of a sav'd Citizen : the one To guard his Bear , the other fought To aid his Dog ; both made more stout By sev'ral spurs of neighborhood , Church-fellow-membership , and bloud But Talgol , mortal foe to Cows , Never got ought of him but blows ; Blows hard and heavy , such as he Had lent , repayd with Usury . Yet Talgol was of Courage stout , And vanquish'd oftner than he fought : Inur'd to labor , sweat , and toyl , And , like a Champion , shone with Oyl . Right many a Widow his keen blade , And many a Fatherless , had made ; He many a Bore and huge Dun Cow Did , like another Guy o'rethrow . But Guy with him in fight compar'd , Had like the Bore or Dun Cow far'd . With greater Troops of Sheep h 'had faught Than Ajax or bold Don Quixot : And many a Serpent of fell kind , With wings before and stings behind , Subdu'd ; as Poets say , long agone Bold Sir George , Saint George did the Dragon . Nor Engine , nor Device Polemick , Disease , nor Doctor Epidemick , Though stor'd with Deletery Med'cines , ( Which whosoever took is Dead since ) E're sent so vast a Colony To both the under Worlds as he . For he was of that noble Trade That Demi-gods and Heroes made , Slaughter , and knocking on the head , The Trade to which they all were bred ; And is , like others , glorious when T is great and large , but base if mean . The former rides in Triumph for it ; The later in a two wheel'd Chariot , For daring to prophane a thing So Sacred , with vile bungling . Next these brave the Magnano came , Magnano great in Martial Fame . Yet when with Orsin he wag'd fight , 'T is sung he got but little by 't . Yet he was fierce as Forrest-Bore , Whose Spoils upon his Back he wore , As thick as Ajax seven-fold Shield , Which o're his brazen Arms he held , But Brass was feeble to resist The fury of his armed fist ; Nor could the hardest Ir'n hold out Against his blows , but they would through't . In Magick he was deeply read , As he that made the Brazen-head ; Profoundly skill'd in the black Art , As English Merlin for his heart ; But far more skilful in the Spheres Than he was at the Sieve and Shears . He could transform himself in Colour As like the Devil as a Collier ; As like as Hypocrites in show Are to true Saints , or Crow to Crow . Of warlike Engines he was Author , Devis'd for quick dispatch of slaughter : The Cannon , Blunderbus , and Saker , He was th' inventer of and maker : The Trumpet and the Kettle-Drum Did both from his Invention come . He was the first that e'r did teach To make , and how to stop a breach . A Lance he bore with Iron pike , Th' one half would thrust , the other strike : And when their forces he had joyn'd , He scorn'd to turn his Parts behind . He Trulla lov'd , Trulla more bright Than burnish'd Armor of her Knight : A bold Virago , stout and tall As Joan of France , or English Mall . Through perils both of Wind and Limb , Through thick and thin she follow'd him , In ev'ry Adventure h'undertook , And never him or it forsook . At Breach of Wall , or Hedge surprize , She shar'd in th' hazard and the prize : At beating Quarters up , or Forrage , Behav'd her self with matchless courage ; And laid about in sight more busily , Than th' Amazonian Dame , Penthesile . And though some Criticks here cry shame , And say our Authors are to blame , That spight of all Philosophers , Who hold no Females stout , but Bears , And heretofore did so abhor Their Women should pretend to War , They would not suffer the stout'st Dame To swear by Hercules his Name , Make feeble Ladies , in their Works , To fight like Termagants and Turks ; To lay their native Arms aside , Their modesty , and ride a-stride ; To run a-Tilt at Men , and wield Their naked tools in open field ; As stout Armida , bold Thalestris , And she that would have been the Mistriss Of Gundibert , but he had grace , And rather took a Countrey Lass : They say 't is false , without all sense , But of pernicious consequence To Government , which they suppose Can never be upheld in Prose : Strip Nature naked to the skin , You 'l find about her no such thing ▪ It may be so , yet what we tell Of Trulla , that 's improbable , Shall be depos'd by those have seen 't , Or , what 's as good , produc'd in print : And if they will not take our word , We 'l prove it true upon record , The upright Cerdon next advanc't , Of all his Race the Valiant'st ; Cerdon the Great , renown'd in Song , Like H●rc'les , for repair of wrong : He rais'd the low , and fortify'd The weak against the strongest side . Ill has he read , that never hit On him in Muses deathless writ . He had a weapon keen and fierce , That through a Bull-hide shield would pierce , And cut it in a thousand pieces , Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his ; With whom his black thumb'd Ancestor Was Comrade in the ten years War : For when the restless Greeks set down So many years before Troy Town , And were renown'd , as Homer writes , For well-sol'd Boots , no less than Fights ; They ow'd that Glory only to His Ancestor , that made them so . Fast friend he was to Reformation , Until 't was worn quite out of fashion . Next Rectifier of Wry Law , And would make three , to cure one flaw . Learned he was , and could take note , Transcribe , Collect , Translate and Quote . But Preaching was his chiefest Talent , Or Argument , in which b'ing valiant ; He us'd to lay about and stickle , Like Ram or Bull , at Conventicle : For Disputants like Rams and Bulls , Do fight with Arms that spring from Skulls . Last Colon came , bold man of War , Destin'd to blows by fatal Star ; Right expert in Command of Horse , But cruel , and without remorse . That which of Centaure long ago Was said , and has been wrested to Some other Knights , was true of this , He and his Horse were of a piece . One Spirit did inform them both , The self-same Vigor , Fury Wroth : Yet he was much the rougher part , And always had a harder heart ; Although his Horse had been of those That fed on Man's flesh , as Fame goes . Strange food for Horse ! and yet , alass , It may be true , for Flesh is Grass . Sturdy he was , and no less able Than Hercules to cleanse a Stable ; As great a Drover , and as great A Critick too in Hog or Neat. He ripp'd the Womb up of his Mother , Dame Tellus , 'cause she wanted fother And Provender wherewith to feed Himself and his less-cruel Steed . It was a question whether He Or 's Horse were of a Family More Worshipful : till Antiquaries , ( After th' ad almost por'd out their Eies ) Did very learnedly decide The business on the Horse's side , And prov'd not only Horse , but Cows , Nay Pigs , were of the elder house : For Beasts , when Man was but a piece Of earth himself , did th' earth possess . These Worthies were the Chief that led The Combatants , each in the head , Of his Command , with Arms and Rage , Ready and longing to engage . The numerous Rabble was drawn out Of several Countreys round about ; From Villages remote , and Shires , Of East and Western Hemispheres : From forain Parishes and Regions , Of different Manners , Speech , Religions , Came Men and Mastives ; some to fight For Fame and Honor , some for sight . And now the field of Death , the lists , Were entred by Antagonists , And bloud was ready to be broached ; When Hudibras in haste approached , With Squire and Weapons to attack them : But first thus from his Horse bespake them . What Rage , O Citizens , what fury Doth you to these dire actions hurry ? What Oestrum , what phrenetick mood Makes you thus lavish of your bloud , While the proud Vies your Trophies boast , And unreveng'd walks — ghost ? What Towns , what Garrisons might you With hazard of this bloud subdue , Which now y' are bent to throw away In vain , untriumphable fray ? Shall Saints in Civil bloudshed wallow Of Saints , and let the Cause lie fallow ? The Cause for which we fought and swore So boldly , shall we now give o're ? Then because Quarrels still are seen With Oaths and Swearing to begin , The Solemn League and Covenant Will seem a meer God-dam me Rant ; And we that took it , and have fought , As lewd as Drunkards that fall out . For as we make War for the King Against himself , the salf-same thing Some will not stick to swear we do For God and for Religion too . For if Bear-baiting we allow , What good can Reformation do ? The Bloud and Treasure that 's laid out , Is thrown away , and goes for nought . Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation , The Prototype of Reformation , Which all the Saints , and some , since Martyrs , Wore in their Hats , like Wedding-Garters , When 't was resolv'd by either House Six Members quarrel to espouse ? Did they for this draw down the Rabble , With zeal and noises formidable ; And make all Cries about the Town Joyn throats to cry the Bishops down ? Who having round begirt the Palace , ( As once a month they do the Gallows ) As Members gave the sign about , Set up their throats with hideous shout . When Tinkers bawl'd aloud , to settle Church-Discipline , for patching Kettle . No Sow-gelder did blow his Horn To geld a Cat , but cry'd Reform . The Oyster-women lock'd their Fish up , And trudg'd away to cry No Bishop . The Mousetrap-men laid Save-alls by , And 'gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry . Botchers left old Cloaths in the lurch , And fell to turn and patch the Church . Some cry'd the Covenant instead Of Pudding-pies and Ginger-bread : And some for Broom , old Boots and Shooes . Baul'd out to purge the Common's House : Instead of Kitchinstuff , some cry A Gospel-preaching-Ministry ; And some for Old Suits , Coats , or Cloak , No Surplices , nor Service-book . A strange harmonious inclination Of all degrees to Reformation . And is this all ? is this the end To which these carr'ings on did tend ? Hath Publick Faith like a young heir For this tak'n up all sorts of Ware , And run in t' ev'ry Tradesman's book , Till both turn'd Bankrupts , and are broke ? Did Saints for this bring in the Plate , And crowd as if they came too late ? For when they thought the Cause had need on 't , Happy was he that could be rid on 't . Did they coyn Piss pots , Bouls , and Flaggons , Int' Officers of Horse and Dragoons ; And into Pikes and Musqueteers Stamp Beakers , Cups , and Porringers ? A Thimble , Bodkin , and a Spoon Did start up living men , as soon As in the Furnace they were thrown , Just like the Dragon's teeth b'ing sown . Then was the Cause all Gold and Plate , The Brethrens off'rings , consecrate Like th' Hebrew-calf , and down before it The Saints fell prostrate , to adore it . So say the Wicked — and will you Make that Sarcasmous Scandal true . By running after Dogs and Bears , Beasts more unclean than Calves or Steers ? Have pow'rful Preachers ply'd their tongues , And laid themselves out and their Lungs ; Us'd all means , both direct and sinister , I' th' power of Gospel-Preaching Minister ? Have they invented Tones , to win The Women , and make them draw in The Men , as Indians with a Female Tame Elephant enveigle the Male ? Have they told Prov'dence what it must do , Whom to avoid , and whom to trust to ? Discover'd th' Enemy's design , And which way best to countermine ; Prescrib'd what ways he hath to work , Or it will ne'r advance the Kirk ; Told it the News o' th' last express , And after good or bad success Made Prayers , not so like Petitions , As Overtures and Propositions , ( Such as the Army did present To their Creator th' Parliament ) In which they freely will confess , They will not , cannot acquiesce , Unless the Work be carry'd on In the same way they have begun , By setting Church and Common-weal , All on a flame bright as their zeal , On which the Saints were all-a-gog , And all this for a Bear and Dog ? The Parliament drew up Petitions To 't self , and sent them , like Commissions , To Well-affected Persons down , In ev'ry City and great Town ; With pow'r to leavy Horse and Men , Only to bring them back agen : For this did many , many a mile , Ride manfully in Rank and File , With Papers in their Hats , that show'd As if they to the Pillory rode . Have all these courses , these efforts , Been try'd by people of all sorts , Velis & Remis , omnibus Nervis , And all t' advance the Cause's service : And shall all now be thrown away In petulant intestine fray ? Shall we that in the Cov'nant swore , Each man of us to run before Another still in Reformation , Give Dogs and Bears a Dispensation ? How will dissenting Brethren relish it ? What will Malignants say ? Videlicet , That each man swore to do his best , To damn and perjure all the rest : And bid the Devil take the hinmost , Which at this Race is like to win most . They 'l say our bus'ness to reform The Church and State is but a worm ; For to subscribe , unsight unseen , T' an unknown Churches Discipline What is it else , but before-hand . T' ingage , and after understand ? For when we swore to carry on The present Reformation , According to the Purest mode Of Churches , best Reform'd abroad , What did we else but make a vow To do we know not what , nor how ? For no three of us will agree Where , or what Churches these should be . And is indeed the self-same case With theirs that swore Et caeteras ; Or the French League , in which men vow'd To fight to the last drop of bloud . These slanders will be thrown upon The Cause and Work we carry on , If we permit men to run headlong T' exorbitancies fit for Bedlam , Rather than Gospel-walking times , Whan slightest Sins are gteatest Crimes . But we the matter so shall handle , As to remove that odious scandal . In name of King and Parliament , I charge ye all , no more foment This feud , but keep the peace between Your Brethren and your Countrey-men ; And to those places straight repair Where your respective dwellings are . But to that purpose first surrender , The Fidler , as the prime offender , Th' Incendiary vile , that is chief Author and Enginier of mischief ; That makes division between friends , For prohane and malignant ends . He and that Engine of vile noise , On which illegally he plays , Shall ( dictum factum ) both he brought To condigne Punishment as th'y ought . This must be done , and I would fain see : Mortal so sturdy as to gain-say : For then I 'le take another course , And soon Reduce you all by force . This said , he clapt his hand on Sword , To shew he meant to keep his word . But Talgol , who had long supprest Enflamed wrath in glowing breast , Which now began to rage and burn as Implacably as flame in furnace , Thus answer'd him . Thou Vermin wretched , As e're in Meazel'd Pork was hatched ; Thou Tail of Worship , that dost grow On Rump of Justice as of Cow ; How dar'st thou with that sullen Luggage O' th thy self , old Ir'n and other Baggage , With which thy Steed of Bones and Leather Has broke his Wind in halting hither ; How durst th' , I say , adventure thus T' oppose thy Lumber against us ? Could thine Impertinence find out No work t' employ it self about , Where thou secure from Wooden blow Thy busy vanity might'st show ? Was no dispute afoot between The Catterwauling Brethren ? No subtle Question rais'd among Those out-o'-their wits and those i' th' wrong ? No prize between those Combatans O' th' times , the Land and Water - Saints ; Where thou might'st stickle without hazard Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard , And not for want of bus'ness come To us to be thus troublesome , To interrupt our better sort Of Disputants , and spoil our sport ? Was there no Felony , no Bawd , Cut-purse , nor Burglary abroad ? No Stolen Pig , nor Plunder'd Goose , To tye thee up from breaking loose ? No Ale unlicenc'd , broken hedge , For which thou Statute might'st alledge , To keep thee busie from foul evil , And shame due to thee from the Devil ? Did no Committee sit , where he Might cut out journey-work for thee ; And set th' a task , with subornation , To stitch up sale and sequestration ; To cheat with Holiness and Zeal All Parties , and the Common-weal ? Much better had it been for thee , H 'had kept thee where th' art us'd to be ; Or sent th' on bus'ness any whither , So he had never brought thee hither . But if th' hast Brain enough in skull To keep within it's lodging whole , And not provoke the rage of Stones And Cudgels to thy Hide and Bones ; Tremble , and vanish while thou may'st , Which I 'le not promise if thou stay'st . At this the Knight grew high in wroth , And lifting hands and eyes up both , Three times smote on stomack stout , From whence at length these words broke out . Was I for this entit'led Sir , And girt with trusty Sword and Spur , For Fame and Honor to wage Battel , Thus to be brav'd by Foe to Cattel ? Not all that Pride that makes thee swell As big as thou dost blown-up Veal ; Nor all thy tricks and slights to cheat , And sell thy Carrion for good meat ; Not all thy Magick to repair Decay'd old age in tough lean ware , Make Natural Death appear thy work , And stop the Gangreen in stale Pork ; Not all that force that makes thee proud , Because by Bullock ne'r withstood ; Though arm'd with all thy Clevers , Knives , And Axes made to hew down lives ; Shall save or help thee to evade The hand of Justice , or this blade Which I her Sword-bearer do carry , For civil Deed and Military . Nor shall these words of Venom base , Which thou hast from their native place , Thy stomack , pump'd to fling on me , Go unreveng'd , though I am free . Thou down the same throat shalt devour 'em , Like tainted Beef , and pay dear for 'em . Nor shall it e're be said , that weight With Gantlet blew and Bases white , And round blunt Dudgeon by his side , So great a man at Arms defy'd With words far bitterer than Wormwood , That would in Job or Grizel stir mood . Dogs with their Tongues their wounds do heal ; But Men with hands , as thou shalt feel . This said , with hasty rage he snatch'd ; His Gun-shot , that in holsters watch'd ; And bending Cock , he level'd full Against th' outside of Talgol's Skull ; Vowing that he should ne'r stir further , Nor henceforth Cow or Bullock murther . But Pallas came in shape of Rust , And 'twixt the Spring and Hammer thrust Her Gorgon-shield , which made the Cock Stand stiff as if 't were turn'd t' a stock . Mean while fierce Talgol gath'ring might , With rugged Truncheon charg'd the Knight . And he his rusty Pistol held To take the blow on , like a Shield ; The Gun recoyl'd , as well it might , Not us'd to such a kind of fight , And shrunk from its great Master's gripe , Knock'd down and stunn'd with mortal stripe . Than Hudibras with furious haste Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast , But Talgol first with hardy thwack Twice bruis'd his head , and twice his back . But when his nut-brown Sword was out , Couragiously he laid about , Imprinting many a wound upon His mortal foe the Truncheon . The trusty Cudgel did oppose It self against dead-doing blows , To guard its Leader from fell bane , And then reveng'd it self again . And though the sword ( some understood ) In force had much the odds of Wood ; 'T was nothing so , both sides were ballanc't So equal , none knew which was valiant'st . For Wood with Honor b'ng engag'd , Is so implacably enrag'd , Though Iron hew and mangle sore , Wood wounds and bruises Honor more . And now both Knights were out of breath , Tir'd in the hot pursuit of Death ; While all the rest amaz'd stood still , Expecting which would take , or kill . This Hudibras observ'd , and fretting Conquest should be so long a getting , He drew up all his force into One Body , and that into one Blow . But Talgol wisely avoided it By cunning slight ; for had it hit , The Upper part of him the Blow Had slit , as sure as that below . Mean while th' incomparable Colon , To aid his Friend began to fall on , Him Ralph encountred , and straight grew A fierce Dispute betwixt them two : Th' one arm'd with Metal , th' other with Wood ; This fit for bruise , and that for bloud . With many a stiff thwack , many a bang , Hard Crab-tree and old Iron rang ; While none that saw them could divine To which side Conquest would encline : Untill Magnano , who did envy That two should with so many men vye , By subtle stratagem of brain Perform'd what force could ne'r attain , For he , by foul hap having found Where Thistles grew on barren ground , In haste he drew his weapon out And having crop'd them from the Root He clapp'd them under th' Horses Tail With prickles sharper than a Nail The angry Beast did straight resent The wrong done to his Fundament , Begun to kick , and fling , and wince , As if h 'had been beside his sense , Striving to disingage from Smart , And raging Pain , th' afflicted Part ; Instead of which he threw the pack Of Squire and Baggage from his back ; And blundring still with smarting rump , He gave the Champions Steed a thump , That staggar'd him . The Knight did stoop And sate on further side aslope . This Talgol viewing , who had now By flight escap'd the fatal blow , He rally'd , and again fell to 't ; For catching him by nearer foot , He lifted with such might and strength , As would have hurl'd him thrice his length , And dash'd his brains ( if any ) out . But Mars that still protects the stout , In Pudding-time came to his aid , And under him the Bear convey'd ; The Bear , upon whose soft Fur-Gown The Knight with all his weight fell down . The friendly Rug preserv'd the ground , And headlong Knight from bruise or wound , Like Feather-bed betwixt a Wall , And heavy brunt of Cannon-ball . As Sancho on a Blanket fell , And had no hurt ; ours far'd as well In body , though his mighty Spirit , B'ing heavy , did not so well bear it . The Bear was in a greater fright , Beat down and worsted by the Knight . He roar'd , and rag'd , and flung about , To shake off bondage from his snout . His wrath enflam'd boil'd o'r , and from His jaws of Death he threw the fome . Fury in stranger postures threw him , And more , than ever Herauld drew him . He tore the Earth , which he had sav'd From squelch of Knight , and storm'd and rav'd ; And vext the more , because the harms He felt were 'gainst the Law of Arms : For Men he always took to be His friends , and Dogs the Enemy : Who never so much hurt had done him , As his own side did falling on him . It griev'd him to the Guts , that they For whom h 'had faught so many a fray , And serv'd with loss of bloud so long , Should offer such inhumane wrong ; Wrong of unsouldier-like condition : For which he flung down his Commission , And laid about him , till his Nose From thrall of Ring and Cord broke loose . Soon as he felt himself enlarg'd , Through thickest of his foes he charg'd , And made way through th' amazed crew , Some he o're-ran , and some o're threw . But took none ; for by hasty flight He strove t' avoid the conquering Knight , From whom he fled with as much haste And dread as he the Rabble chac'd . In haste he fled , and so did they , Each and his fear a sev'ral way . Crowdero only kept the field , Not stirring from the place he held , Though beaten down and wounded sore I' th' Fiddle , and a Leg that bore One side of him , not that of bone , But mutch its betters , th' wooden one . He spying Hudibras lye strow'd Upon the ground , like log of wood , With fright of fall supposed wound , And loss of Urine , in a swound , In haste he snatch'd the wooden limb That hurt in th' anckle lay by him , And fitting it for sudden fight , Straight drew it up , t' attack the Knight . For getting up on stump and huckle , He with the foe began to buckle , Vowing to be reveng'd for breach Of Crowd and Shin upon the wretch , Sole author of all Detriment He and his Fiddle underwent . But Ralpho ( who had now begun T' adventure resurrection From heavy squelch , and had got up Upon his Legs with sprained Crup ) Looking about beheld the Bard To charge the Knight intranc'd prepar'd , He snatch'd his Whiniard up , that fled When he was falling off his Steed , ( As Rats do from a falling house , ) To hide it self from rage of blows ; And wing'd with speed and fury , flew To rescue Knight from black and blew . Which e're he could atchieve , his Sconce The Leg encounter'd twice and once ; And now 't was rais'd , to smite agen , When Ralpho thrust himself between . He took the blow upon his Arm , To shield the Knight from further harm , And joyning wrath with force , bestow'd On th' wooden member such a load , That down it fell , and with it bore Crowdero , whom it propp'd before . To him the Squire right nimbly run , And setting his bold foot upon His trunk , thus spoke : What desp'rate Frenzi● Made thee , ( thou whelp of Sin ) to fancy Thy self and all that Coward Rabble T' encounter us in battle able ? How durst th' , I say , oppose thy Curship Gainst Arms , Authority and Worship ? And Hudibras , or me provoke , Though all thy Limbs were heart of Oke , And th' other half of thee as good To bear out blows as that of Wood ? Could not the whipping-post prevail With all its Rhet'rick , nor the Gaol , To keep from flaying scourge thy skin , And ankle free from Iron Gin ? Which now thou shalt — but first our care Must see how Hudibras doth fair . This said , he gently rais'd the Knight , And set him on his Bum upright : To rouze him from Lethargick dump , He tweak'd his Nose with gentle thump , Knock'd on his breast , as if 't had been To raise the Spirits lodg'd within . They wakened with the noise , did fly From inward Room to Window eye , And gently op'ning lid , the Casement , Lookt out , but yet with some amazement . This gladded Ralpho much to see , Who thus bespoke the Knight : quoth he , Tweaking his noise , You are , great Sir , A Self-denying Conqueror ; As high , victorious and great , As e'r fought for the Churches yet , If you will give your self but leave To make out what y' already have ; That 's Victory , the foe , for dread Of your Nine-worthiness , is fled , All save Crowdero , for whose sake You did th' espous'd Cause undertake : And he lies pris'ner at your feet , To be dispos'd as you think meet , Either for Life , or Death , or Sale , The Gallows , or perpetual Jayl . For one wink of your pow'rful Eye Must sentence him to live , or dye . His Fiddle is your proper purchace , Won in the Service of the Churches ; And by your doom must be allow'd To be , or be no more , a Crowd . For though success did not confer Just Title on the Conquerer ; Though dispensations were not strong Conclusions whether right or wrong ; Although Out goings did not confirm , And Owning were but a meer term : Yet as the wicked have no right To th' Creature , though usurp'd by might , The property is in the Saint , From whom th' injuriously detain't ; Of him they hold their Luxuries , Their Dogs , their Horses , Whores and Dice , Their Riots , Revels , Masks , Delights , Pimps , Buffoons , Fidlers , Parasites : All which the Saints have Title to , And ought t' enjoy , if th' had their due . What we take from them is no more Than what was ours by right before . For we are their true Landlords still , And they our Tenants but at will . At this the Knight begun to rouse , And by degrees grow valorous . He star'd about , and seeing none Of all his foes remain but one , He snatch'd his weapon that lay near him , And from the ground began to rear him ; Vowing to make Crowdero pay For all the rest that ran away . But Ralpho now in colder blood , His fury mildly thus withstood : Great Sir , quoth he , your mighty Spirit Is rais'd too high , this S●ve does merit To be the Hangman's bus'ness , sooner Than from your hand to have the honor Of his destruction . I that am So much below in Deed and Name , Did scorn to hurt his forfeit Carcass , Or ill intreat his Fiddle or Case . Will you , Great Sir , that Glory blot In cold bloud , which you gain'd in hot ? Will you employ your Conqu'ring Sword , To break a Fiddle and your Word ? For though I fought , and overcame , And quarter gave , 't was in your name . For great Commanders always own What 's prosperous by the Soldier done . To save , where you have pow'r to kill , Argues your Pow'r above your Will ; And that your Will and Pow'r have less Than both might have of selfishness . This Pow'r which now alive with dread He trembles at , if he were dead , Would no more keep the slave in awe Than if you were a Knight of Straw : For death would then be his Conqueror , Not you , and free him from that terror . If danger from his life accrue , Or honor from his death to you ; 'T were Policy , and Honor too , To do as you resolv'd to do , But , Sir , 't would wrong your valour much , To say it needs or fears a Crutch . Great Conquerors greater glory gain By Foes in Triumph led , than slain : The Lawrels that adorn their brows Are pull'd from living , not dead boughs , And living foes the greatest fame Of Cripple slain can be but lame . One half of him 's already slain , The other is not worth your pain , Th' Honor can but on one side lighr , As Worship did , when y' were dub'd Knight . Wherefore I think it better far , To keep him Prisoner of War ; And let him fast in bonds abide , At Court of Justice to be try'd : Where if h'appear so bold or crafty , There may be danger in his safety ; If any Member there dislike His Face , or to his Beard have pike ; Or if his death will save , or yield , Revenge , or fright , it is reveal'd , Though he has quarter , ne'rtheless Y' have pow'r to hang him when you please . This hath been often done by some Of our great Conquerors , you know whom : And has by most of us been held Wise Justice , and to some reveal'd . For Words and Promises that yoke The Conqueror , are quickly broke , Like Sampson's Cuffs , though by his own Direction and advice put on . For if we should fight for the Cause By rules of military Laws , And only do what they call just , The Cause would quickly fall to dust . This we among our selves may speak , But to the Wicked or the Weak We must be cautious to declare Perfection-truths , such as these are . This said , the high outragious mettle Of Knight began to cool and settle . He lik'd the Squire 's advice , and soon Resolv'd to see the bus'ness done : And therefore charg'd him first to bind Crowdero's hands on rump behind , And to its former place and use The Wooden member to reduce : But force it take an Oath before , Ne'r to bear Arms against him more . Ralpho dispatch'd with speedy haste , And having ty'd Crowdero fast , He gave Sir Knight the end of Cord , To lead the Captive of his sword In triumph while the Steeds he caught , And them to further service brought . The Squire in state rode on before , And on his nut-brown Whiniard bore The Trophee - Fiddle and the Case , Plac'd on his shoulder like a Mace . The Knight himself did after ride , Leading Crowdero by his side , And tow'd him , if he lagg'd behind , Like Boat against the Tide and Wind. Thus grave and solemn they march on , Until quite through the Town th' had gone At further end of which their stands An ancient Castle , that commands Th' adjacent parts ; in all the fabrick , You shall not see one stone nor a brick , But all of Wood , by powr'ful Spell Of Magick made impregnable ; There 's neither Iron-bar , nor Gate , Port-cullis , Chain , nor Bolt , not Grate : And yet men durance there abide , In Dungeon scarce three inches wide ; With Roof so low , that under it They never stand , but lye , or sit ; And yet so foul , that who so is in , Is to the middle-leg in prison , In Circle Magical confin'd , With Walls of subtle Air and Wind , Which none are able to break thorough , Until th' are freed by head of Borough . Thither arriv'd th' advent'rous Knight And bold Squire from their Steeds alight , At th' outward Wall , near which there stands A Bastile , built t' imprison hands ; By strange enchantment made to fetter The lesser parts , and free the greater . For though the Body may creep through , The Hands in Grate are fast enough . ●nd when a Circle 'bout the Wrist 〈◊〉 made by Beadle Exorcist , The Body feels the Spur and Switch , As if 't were ridden Post by ' Witch At twenty miles an hour pace , And yet ne'r stirs out of the place . On top of this there is a Spire , On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire The Fiddle , and its Spoils , the Case , ●n manner of a Trophee , place . That done , they ope the Trap-dore-gate , And let Crowdero down thereat . Crowd ro making dolefule face , Like Hermit poor in pensive place , To Dungeon they the wretch commit , And the survivor of his feet : But th' other that had broke the peace , And head of Knighthood , they release , Though a Delinquent false and forged , Yet b'ing a stranger , he 's enlarged ; While his Comrade that did no hurt , Is clapt up fast in prison for 't . So Justice , while she winks at Crimes , Stumbles on Innocence sometimes .

The ARGUMENT of The THIRD CANTO . The scatter'd Rout return and rally , Surround the Place ; the Knight does sally , And is made Pris'ner : then they seize Th' Inchanted Fort by storm , release Crowdero , and put the Squire in 's place . I should have first said , Hudibras . CANTO III. AY me what perils do inviron The man that medles with cold Iron ! What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps Do dog him still with after-claps ! For though Dame Fortune seem to smile And leer upon him for a while ; She 'l after shew him , in the nick Of all his Glories , a Dog-trick . This any man may sing or say I' th' Ditty call'd , What if a Day . For Hudibras , who thought h' had won The Field as certain as a Gun , And having routed the whole Troop , With Victory was Cock-a-hoop ; Think h' had done enough to purchase Thanksgiving-day among the Churches , Wherein his Mettle and brave Worth Might be explain'd by Holder-forth , And Register'd by Fame eternal , In Deathless Pages of Diurnal ; Found in few minutes to his Cost , He did but Count without his Host ; And that a Turn-stile is more certain , Than in events of War Dame Fortune . For now the late faint-hearted Rout O'rethrown and scatter'd round about , Chac'd by the horror of their fear From bloudy fray of Knight and Bear , ( All but the Dogs who in pursuit , Of the Knight's victory stood to 't , And most ignobly sought to get The Honor of his bloud and sweat ) Seeing the coast was free and clear O' th' Conquer'd and the Conquerer , Took heart again , and fac'd about , As if they meant to stand it out : For now the half-defeated Bear Attack'd by th' Enemy i' th' rear , Finding their number grew too great For him to make a safe retreat , Like a bold Chieftain fac'd about ; But wisely doubting to hold out , Gave way to fortune , and with haste Fac'd the proud foe , and fled , and fac'd , Retiring still , until he found H 'had got th' advantage of the Ground ; And then as valiantly made head , To check the foe , and forthwith fled ; Leaving no Art untry'd , nor Trick Of Warrior stout and Polyti●k . Until in spight of hot pursuit , He gain'd a Pass , to hold dispute On better terms , and stop the course Of the proud foe . With all his force He bravely charg'd , and for a while Forc'd their whole Body to recoil : But still their numbers so increast He found himself at length opprest , And all evasions so uncertain . To save himself for better fortune , That he resolv'd , rather than yield , To die with honor in the field , And sell his Hide and Carcass at A price as high and desperate As e're he could . This Resolution He forthwith put in execution , And bravely threw himself among The Enemy i' th' greatest throng . But what could single Valour do Against so numerous a foe ? Yet much he did , indeed too much To be believ'd , where th' odds was such : But one against a multitude , ●s more than mortal can make good . ●or while one party he oppos'd , ●is Rear was suddainly enclos'd , And no room left him for retreat , Or fight against a foe so great . For now the Mastives charging home To blows and handy-gripes were come ; While manfully himself he bore , And setting his right-foot before , He rais'd himself , to shew how tall His Person was , above them all . This equal shame and envy stirr'd In th' enemy , that one should beard So many Warriors and so stout As he had done , and stand it out , Disdaining to lay down his Arms , And yield on honourable terms . Enraged thus some in the rear Attack'd him , and some ev'ry where Till down he fell , yet falling fought , And being down still laid about ; As Widdrington i● doleful dumps Is said to fight upon his stumps . But all , alass ! had been in vain , And he inevitably slain , If Trulla and Cerdon in the nick To rescue him had not been quick . For Trulla , who was light of foot , As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot ( But not so light as to be born Upon the Ears of standing Corn , Or tript it o're the Water quicker Than Witches when their staves they liquor , As some report ) was got among The foremost of the Martial throng ; Where pittying the vanquisht Bear , She call'd to Cerdon , who stood near Viewing the bloudy fight , to whom Shall we ( quoth she ) stand still hum drum , And see stout Bruin all alone By numbers basely overthrown ? Such feats already h' has atchiev'd , In story not to be believ'd : And 't would to us be shame enough , Not to attempt to fetch him off . I would ( quoth he ) venture a Limb To second thee , and rescue him : But then we must about it straight , Or else our aid will come too late . Quarter he scorns , he is so stout , And therefore cannot long hold out . This said they wav'd their weapons round About their heads , to clear the ground ; And joyning forces laid about So fiercely , that th' amazed rout Turn'd tail again , and straight begun , As if the Devil drove , to run . Mean while th' approach'd the place where Bruin Was now engag'd to mortal ruine : The conquering foe they soon assail'd ; First Trulla stav'd , and Cerdon tail'd , Until their Mastives loos'd their hold : And yet , alass ! do what they could , The worsted Bear came off with store Of bloudy wounds , but all before . For as Achilles dipt in Pond , Was Anabaptiz'd free from wound , Made proof against deed-doing steel All over but the Pagan heel : So did our Champion's Arms defend All of him but the other end , His Head and Ears , which in the Martial Encounter lost a Leathern parcel , For as an Austrian Archduke once Had one ear ( which in Ducatoons Is half the Coyn ) in Battel par'd Close to his head ; so Bruin far'd : But tugg'd and pull'd on th' other side , Like Scrivener newly crucify'd ; Or like the late-corrected Leathern Ears of the circumcised Brethren . But gentle Trulla into th' Ring He wore in 's Nose convey'd a string , With which she marcht before , and led The Warrior to a grassy Bed , As Authors write , in a cool shade , Which Eglentine and Roses made , Close by a softly-murm'ring stream Where Lovers us'd to loll and dream . There leaving him to his repose , Secured from pursuit of foes , And wanting nothing but a Song , And a well-tun'd Theorbo hung Upon a Bough , to ease the pain His tugg'd ears suffer'd , with a strain . They both drew up , to march in quest Of his great Leader , and the rest . For Orsin ( who was more renown'd For stout maintaining of his ground In standing fights than for pursuit , As being not so quick of foot ) Was not long able to keep pace With others that pursu'd the Chace , But found himself left far behind , Both out of heart and out of wind ; Griev'd to behold his Bear pursu'd So basely by a multitude , And like to fall , not by the prowess , But numbers of his Coward foes . He rag'd and kept as heavy a coil as Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas , Forcing the Vallies to repeat The Accents of his sad regret . He beat his Breast , and tore his Hair , For loss of his dear Crony Bear : That Eccho from the hollow ground His doleful wailings did resound More wistfully , by many times , Than in small Poets splay-foot rimes , That make her , in their ruthful stories , To answer to Inter'gatories , And most unconscionably depose To things of which she nothing knows : And when she has said all she can say , 'T is wrested to the Lover's fancy . Quoth he , O whether , wicked Bruin , Art thou fled to my — Eccho , ruine ? I thought th' hadst scorn'd to budge a step , For fear . ( Quoth Eccho ) Marryguep . Am not I here to take thy part ? Then what has quail'd thy stubborn heart ? Have these Bones ratled , and this Head So often in thy quarrel bled ? Nor did I ever winch or grudge it , For thy dear sake . ( Quoth she ) Mum budget , Think'st thou 't will not be laid i' th' dish , Thou turn'dst thy back ? Quoth Eccho , Pish . To run from those th' hadst overcome Thus cowardly ? Quoth Eccho , Mum. But what a-vengeance makes thee fly From me too , as thine Enemy ? Or if thou hast no thought of me Nor what I have endur'd for thee , Yet shame and honor might prevail To keep thee thus from turning tail : For who would grutch to spend his bloud in His honors cause ? Quoth she , a Puddin . This said , his grief to anger turn'd , Which in his manly stomach burn'd ; Thirst of Revenge and Wrath , in place Of Sorrow , now began to blaze . He vow'd the Authors of his woe Should equal vengeance undergo ; And with their Bones and Flesh pay dear For what he suffer'd and his Bear . This b'ing resolv'd , with equal speed And rage he hasted to proceed To action straight , and giving o're To search for Bruin any more , He went in quest of Hudibras , To find him out , where e're he was : And if he were above ground , vow'd He 'd ferret him , lurk where he wou'd . But scarce had he a furlong on This resolute adventure gone , When he encounter'd with that Crew Whom Hudibras did late subdue . Honor , Revenge , Contempt and Shame , Did equally their breasts enflame . 'Mong these the fierce Magnano was , And Talgol foe to Hudibras ; Cerdon and Colon , Warriors stout And resolute as ever fought : Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke , Shall we ( quoth he ) thus basely brook The vile affront , that paultry Ass And feeble Scoundrel Hudibras , With that more paultry Ragamuffin Ralpho , with vapouring and huffing Have put upon us , like tame Cattel ? As if th' had routed us in battel ? For my part , it shall ne'r be sed , I for the washing gave my Head : Nor did I turn my back for fear Of them , but losing of my Bear , Which now I 'm like to undergo ; For whether these fell wounds , or no , He has receiv'd in fight are mortal , Is more than all my skin can foretel , Nor do I know what is become Of him , more than the Pope of Rome . But if I can but find them out That caus'd it , ( as I shall no doubt , Where e're th' in Hugger-mugger lurk ) ●le make them rue their handy-work ; And wish that they had rather dar'd , To pull the Devil by the Beard . Quoth Cerdon , Noble Orsin th' hast Great reason to do as thou say'st , And so has ev'ry body here As well as thou hast or thy Bear . Others may do as they see good ; But if this twig be made of Wood That will hold tack , I 'le make the Fur Fly 'bout the Ears of that old Cur , And th' other mungrel Vermin , Ralph , That brav'd us all in his behalf . Thy Bear is safe and out of peril , Though lugg'd indeed , and wounded very ill . My self and Trulla made a shift To help him out at a dead lift ; And having brought him bravely off , Have left him where he 's safe enough . There let him rest ; for if we stay , The Slaves may hap to get away . This said , they all engag'd to joyn Their forces in the same design : And forthwith put themselves in search Of Hudibras upon their march . Where leave we them a while , to tell What the Victorious Knight befell : For such , Crowdero being fast In Dungeon shut , we left him last . Triumphant Laurels seem'd to grow No where so green as on his brow : Laden with which , as well as fir'd With conquering toil , he now retir'd Unto a neighb'●ing Castle by , To rest his body , and apply Fit med'cines to each glorious bruise He got in fight , Reds , Blacks , and Blews ; To mollify th' uneasie pang Of ev'ry honourable bang . Which b'ing by skilful Midwife drest , He laid him down to take his rest . But all in vain ; H 'had got a h●rt O' th' inside , of a deadlier sort , By Cupid made , who took his stand Upon a Widows Joynture-Land , ( For he , in all his amorous battels , No ' dvantage finds like Goods and Chattels ) Drew home his Bow , and aiming right , Let fly an Arrow at the Knight ; The shaft against a Rib did glance , And gall him in the Purtenance . But time had somewhat swag'd his pain , After he found his suit in vain . For that proud Dame , for whom his soul Was burnt in 's belly like a coal , ( That Belly that so oft did ake And suffer griping for her sake , Till purging Comfits and Ants Eggs Had almost brought him off his Legs ) Us'd him so like a base Rascallion , That old Pyg● ( what d'y ' call him ? ) malio . That cut his Mistress out of stone , Had not so hard-a-hearted one . She had a thousand jadish tricks , Worse than a Mule that flings and kicks : 'Mong which one cross-grain'd freak she had , As insolent as strange and mad : She could love none but only such As scorn'd and hated her as much . 'T was a strange Riddle of a Lady ; Not love , if any lov'd her , ha day ! So Cowards never use their might , But against such as will not fight , So some diseases have been found Only to seize upon the sound . He that gets her by heart must say her The back-way , like a Witche's Prayer . Mean while the Knight had no small task , To compass what he durst not ask . He loves , but dares not make the motion ; Her ignorance is his devotion . Like Caitiff vile , that for misdeed Rides with his face to rump of Steed , Or rowing Scull , he 's fain to love , Look one way , and another move ; Or like a Tumbler that does play His game , and look another way , Until he seize upon the Coney : Just so does he by Matrimony . But all in vain : her subtle snout Did quickly wind his meaning out ; Which she return'd with too much scorn , To be by man of Honor born . Yet much he bore , until the distress He suffer'd from his spightful Mistress Did stir his stomack , and the Pain He had endur'd from her disdain Turn'd to regret , so resolute That he resolv'd to wave his suit , And either to renounce her quite , Or for a while play least in sight . This resolution b'ing put on , He kept some months , and more had done ; But being brought so nigh by fate , The Victory he atchiev'd so late Did set this thoughts agog , and ope A door to discontinu'd hope , That seem'd to promise he might win His Dame too now his hand was in ; And that his valour and the honor H 'had newly gain'd might work upon her , These reasons made his mouth to water With amorous longings to be at her . Thought he unto himself , who knows But this brave Conquest o're my foes May reach her heart , and make that stoop , As I but now have forc'd the Troop ? If nothing can oppugne love , And Vertue invious ways can prove , What may not he confide to do That brings both love and vertue too ? But thou bring'st Valour too and wit , Two things that seldom fail to hit . Valour 's a Mouse-trap , Wit a Gin , Which Women oft are taken in . Then , Hudibras , why shouldst thou fear To be , that art a Conquerer ? Fortune th' audacious doth juvare , But lets the timidous miscarry . Then while the honor thou hast got Is spick and span-new , piping hot , Strike her up bravely thou hadst best , And trust thy fortune with the rest . Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep , More than his bangs or fleas , from sleep . And as an Owl that in a Barn Sees a Mouse creeping in the Corn , Sits still , and shuts his round blew eyes , As if he slept , until he spies The little beast within his reach , Then starts , and seizes on the wretch : So from his Couch the Knight did start , To seize upon the Widow's heart ; Crying with hasty tone and hoarse , Ralpho , dispatch , To horse , to horse , And 't was but time , for now the Rout We left engag'd to seek him out , By speedy marches were advanc'd Up to the Fort where he ensconc'd , And had all th' avenues possest About the place , from East to West . That done , awhile they made a halt , To vi●w the Ground , and where t' assault : Then call'd a Council , which was best , By siege or onslaught , to invest The enemy : and 't was agreed , By storm and onslaught to proceed ▪ This b'ing resolv'd , in comely sort , They now drew up t' attack the Fort. When Hudibras , about to enter Upon another gate 's adventure , To Ralpho call'd aloud to arm , Not dreaming of approaching storm Whether Dame Fortune , or the care Of Angel bad , or Tutelar , Did arm , or thrust him on a danger , To which he was an utter stranger ; That Foresight might , or might not blot The glory he had newly got ; Or to his shame it might be sed , They took him napping in his bed : To them we leave it to expound , That deal in Sciences profound . His Courser scarce he had bestrid , And Ralpho that on which he rid , When setting ope the Postern Gate , To take the Field and Sally at , The Foe appear'd , drawn up and drill'd , Ready to charge them in the field . This somewhat startled the bold Knight , Surpriz'd with th' unexpected sight . The bruises of his Bones and Flesh He thought began to smart afresh : Till recollecting wonted Courage , His fear was soon converted to rage . And thus he spoke : The Coward Foe , Whom we but now gave quarter to , Look , yonder 's rally'd , and appears , As if they had outrun their fears . The Glory we did lately get , The fates command us to repeat . And to their wills we must succumb , Quocunque trahunt , 't is our doom . This is the same numerick Crew Which we so lately did subdue , The salf-same individuals that Did run , as Mice do from a Cat , When we couragiously did wield Our Martial weapons in the field , To tug for Victory : and when We shall our shining blades agen Brandish in terror o're our heads , They 'l straight resume their wonted dreads , Fear is an Ague , that forsakes And haunts by fits those whom it takes . And they 'l opine they feel the pain And blows , they felt to day , again . Then let us boldly charge them home , And m●ke no doubt to overcome . This said , his Courage to enflame , He call'd upon his Mistress name . His Pistol next he cockt anew , And out his nut-brown Whiniard drew . And placing Ralpho in the front Reserv'd himself to bear the burnt ; As expert Warriors use : then ply'd With Iron heel his Courser's side , Conveying Sympathetick speed From heel of Knight to heel of Steed . Mean while the foe with equal rage And speed advancing to engage , Both parties now were drawn so close , Almost to come to handiblows . When Orsin first let fly a stone At Ralpho ; not so huge a one As that which Diomed did maul Aeneas on the Bum withal : Yet big enough , if rightly hurl'd , T' have sent him to another World ; Whether above-ground , or below , Which Saints twice dipt are destin'ct to . The danger startled the bold Squire , And made him some few steps retire . But Hudibras advanc'd to 's aid , And rouz'd his spirits half dismayd . He , wisely doubting lest the shot Of th' Enemy now growing hot , Might at a distance gall , prest close , To come , pell-mell , to handiblows : And that he might their aim decline , Advanc'd still in an oblique line ; But prudently forbore to fire , Till breast to breast he had got nigher : As expert Warriors use to do , When hand to hand they charge the foe . This Order the advent'rous Knight Most Soldier-like observ'd in fight : When fortune ( as she 's wont ) turn'd fickle And for the foe began to stickle . The more shame for her goody-ship , To give so near a friend the slip . For Colon chusing out a stone , Levell'd so right , it thumpt upon His manly panch with such a force , As almost beat him off his Horse . He loos'd his weapon , and the Reyn ; But laying fast hold on the Mane , Preserv'd his seat : And as a Goose In death contracts his Talons loose ; So did the Knight , and with one claw The tricker of his Pistol draw . The Gun went off : and as it was Still fatal to stout Hudibras , In all his feats of Arms , when least He dreamt of it , to prosper best ; So now he far'd ▪ the shot let fly At randome 'mong the enemy , Pierc'd Talgol's Gabberdine , and grazing Upon his Shoulder , in the passing Lodg'd in Magnano's brass Habergeon , Who straight A Surgeon cry'd a Surgeon ! He tumbled down and as he fell Did Murther , murther , murther , yell . This startled their whole body so , That if the Knight had not let go His Arms , but been in warlike plight , H 'had won ( the second time ) the fight . As if the Squire had but faln on , He had inevitably done : But he , diverted with the care Of Hudibras his wound , forbare To press th' advantage of his fortune , While danger did the rest dishearten . He had with Cerdon been engag'd In close encounter , which both wag'd So desp'rately , 't was hard to say Which side was like to get the day . And now the busy work of death Had tir'd them so , th' agreed to breath , Preparing to renew the fight ; When th' hard th' disaster of the Knight And th' other party did divert And force their sullen Rage to part Ralpho prest up to Hudibras , And Cerdon where Magnano was ; Each striving to confirm his party With stout encouragements and hearty . Quoth Ralpho , Courage , valiant Sir , And let Revenge and Honor stir Your spirits up , once more fall on , The shatter'd Foe begins to run : For if but half so well you knew To use your Victory as subdue , They durst not , after such a blow As you have giv'n them , face us now ; But from so formidable a Soldier Had fled like Crows when they smell Powder . Thrice have they seen your Sword aloft Wav'd o're their heads , and fled as oft . But if you let them recollect Their spirits , now dismay'd and checkt , Yo●'l have a harder game to play , Then yet y' have had to get the day . Thus spoke the stout Squire ; but was heard By Hudibras with small regard . His thoughts were fuller of the bang He lately took , then Ralph's harangue ; To which he answer'd , Cruel fate Tells me thy Counsel comes too late . The knotted bloud within my hose , That from my wounded body flows , With mortal Crisis doth portend My days to appropinque an end . I am for action now unfit , Either of Fortitude or Wit. Fortune my foe begins to frown , Resolv'd to pull my stomack down . I am not apt upon a wound , Or trivial basting , to despond : Yet I 'de be loath my days to curtal . For if I thought my wounds not mortal , Or that we 'd time enough as yet To make an honorable retreat , 'T were the best course : but if they find We fly , and leave our Arms behind For them to seize on , the dishonor And danger too is such , I l'e sooner Stand to it boldly , and take quarter , To let them see I am no starter . In all the trade of War , no feat Is nobler than a brave retreat . For those that Run away , and fly , Take Place at least of th' enemy This said , the Squire with active speed Dismounted from his bony Steed , To seize the Arms which by mischance Fell from the bold Knight in a trance . These being found out , and restor'd To Hudibras , their natural Lord , The active Squire with might and main Prepar'd in haste to mount again . Thrice he assay'd to mount aloft ; But by his weighty bum as oft He was pull'd back : till having found Th' advantage of the rising ground , Thither he led his warlike Steed , And having plac'd him right , with speed Prepar'd again to scale the Beast . When Orsin , who had newly drest The bloudy scar upon the shoulder Of Talgol with Promethean powder , And now was searching for the shot That laid Magnano on the spot , Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid Preparing to climb up his Horse side . He left his Cure , and laying hold Upon his Arms with Courage bold Cry'd out , 'T is now no time to dally , The Enemy begins to rally : Let us that are unhurt and whole Fall on , and happy man be 's dole . This said , like to a Thunderbolt He flew with fury to th' assault , Striving the Enemy to attack Before he reacht his Horse's back . Ralpho was mounted now , and gotten O'rethwart his Beast with active vauting , Wrigling his body to recover His seat , and cast his right Leg over ; When Orsin rushing in , bestow'd On Horse and Man so heavy a load , The Beast was startled , and begun To kick and fling like mad , and run , Bearing the tough Squire like a Sack , Or stout King Richard , on his back : Till stumbling , he threw him down , Sore bruis'd , and cast into a swound . Mean while the Knight began to rowse The sparkles of his wanted prowess ; He thrust his Hand into his Hose , And found both by his Eyes and Nose , 'T was only Choler , and not Bloud , That from his wounded body flow'd . This , with the hazard of the Squire , Inflam'd him with despightful Ire ; Courageously he fac'd about , And drew his other Pistol out , And now had half-way bent the Cock , When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock , With sturdy truncheon , thwart his Arm That down it fell , and did no harm ; Then stoutly pressing on with speed , Assay'd to pull him off his Steed . The Knight his Sword had only left , With which he Cerdon's Head had cleft , Or at the least cropt off a Limb , But Orsin came and rescu'd him . He with his Launce attack'd the Knight Upon his quarters opposite . But as a Bark that in foul weather , Toss'd by two adverse winds together , Is bruis'd and beaten to and fro , And knows not which to turn him to : So far'd the Knight between two foes , And knew not which of them t' oppose . Till Orsin charging with his Launce At Hudibras , by spightful chance Hit Cerdon such a bang , as stunn'd And laid him flat upon the ground . At this the Knight began to chear up , And raising up himself on stirrup , Cry'd out Victoria ; lie thou there , And I shall straight dispatch another , To bear thee company in death : But first I 'le halt awhile and breath . As well he might : for Orsin griev'd At th' wound that Cerdon had receiv'd , Ran to relieve him with his lore , And cure the hurt he made before . Mean while the Knight had wheel'd about , To breath himself , and next find out Th' advantage of the ground , where best He might the ruffled foe infest . This b'ing resolv'd , he spurr'd his Steed , To run at Orsin with full speed , While he was busy in the care Of Cerdon's wound , and unaware : But he was quick , and had already Unto the part apply'd remedy ; And seeing th' enemy prepar'd , Drew up , and stood upon his guard . Then like a Warrior right expert And skilful in the martial Art , The subtle Knight streight made a halt , And judg'd it best to stay th' assault , Until he had reliev'd the Squire , And then ( in order ) to retire ; Or , as occasion should invite , With Forces joyn'd renew the fight . Ralpho by this time disentr●nc'd , Upon his Bum himself advanc'd , Thoug● sorely bruis'd ; his Limbs all o're With ●uthless bangs were stiff and sore . R●ght fain he would have got upon His f●et again , to get him gone ; When Hudibras to aid him came . Q●oth he , ( and call'd him by his name ) Courage , the day at length is ours , And we once more as Conquerours , Have both the Field and Honor won , The Foe is profligate and run , I mean all such as can , for some This hand hath sent to their long home ; And some lye sprauling on the ground , With many a gash and bloudy wound . Caesar himself could never say He got two victories in a day ; As I have done , that can say , Twice I In one day , Veni , vidi , vici . The foe 's so numerous , that we Cannot so often vincere As they perire , and yet enough Be left to strike an after-blow . Then lest they rally , and once more Put us to fight the bus'ness o're , Get up , and mount thy Steed , dispatch , And let us both their motions watch . Quoth Ralph , I should not , if I were In case for action , now be here ; Nor have I turn'd my back , or hang'd An Arse , for fear of being bang'd : ●t was for you I got these harms , ●dvent'ring to fetch off your Arme. The blows and drubs I have receiv'd , Have bruis'd my body , and bereav'd My Limbs of strength : unless you stoop , And reach your hand to pull me up , 〈◊〉 shall lie here , and be a prey To those who now are run away . That shalt thou not ( quoth Hudibras : ) We read , the Ancients held it was More honorable far Servare Civem , than slay an adversary . The one we oft to day have done ; The other shall dispatch anon . And though th' art of a diff'rent Church , I will not leave thee in the lurch . This said , he jogg'd his good Steed nigher , And steer'd him gently toward the Squire : Then bowing down his Body stretcht His hand out , and at Ralpho reacht ; When Trulla , whom he did not mind , Charg'd him like Lightening behind . She had been long in search about Magnano's wound , to find it out : But could find none , nor where the shot That had so startled him was got . But having found the worst was past , She fell to her own work at last The pillage of the Prisoners , Which all in feat of Arms was hers : And now to plunder Ralph she flew , When Hudibras his hard fate drew To succor him ; for as he bow'd To help him up , she laid a load Of blows so heavy , and plac'd so well , On th' other side , that down he fell . Yield Scoundrel base , ( quoth she ) or dye ; Thy Life is mine and Liberty . But if thou think'st I took thee tardy , And dar'st presume to be so hardy , To try thy fortune o're a fresh , I 'le wave my Title to thy flesh , Thy Arms and Baggage , now my right : And if thou hast the heart to try 't , I 'le lend the back thy self awhile And once more for that carcass vile . Fight upon tick — Quoth Hudibras , Thou offer'st nobly , valiant Lass , And I shall take thee at thy word . First let me rise , and take my sword ; That sword which has so oft this day Through Squadrons of my foes made way And some to other Worlds dispatcht , Now with a feeble Spinster matcht , Will blush with bloud ignoble stain'd , By which no honor's to be gain'd . But if thou 'lt take m' advice in this , Consider while thou may'st , what 't is To interrupt a Victor's course , B' opposing such a trivial force . For if with Conquest I come off , ( And that I shall do sure enough ) Quarter thou canst not have , nor grace , By law of Arms , in such a case ; Both which I now do offer freely . I scorn ( quoth she ) thou Coxcomb silly , ( Clapping her hand upon her breech , To shew how much she priz'd his speech ) Quarter or Counsel from a foe : If thou canst force me to it , do . But lest it should again be sed , When I have once more won thy head , I took thee napping unprepar'd , Arm , and betake thee to thy Guard This said , she to her Tackle fell , And on the Knight let fall a peal Of blows so fierce , and prest so home , That he retir'd and follow'd's bum . Stand to 't ( quoth she ) or yield to mercy It is not fighting Arsie-versie Shall serve thy turn — This stirr'd his spleen More than the danger he was in , The blows he felt , or was to feel , Although th' already made him reel . Honor , despight , revenge and shame , At once unto his stomack came ; Which fir'd it so , he rais'd his Arm Above his Head , and rain'd a storm Of blows so terrible and thick , As if he meant to hash her quick . But she upon her truncheon took them , And by oblique diversion broke them ; Waiting an opportunity To pay all back with usury : Which long she fail'd not of , for now The Knight with one dead-doing blow Resolving to decide the fight , And she with quick and cunning slight Avoiding it , the force and weight He charg'd upon it was so great , As almost sway'd him to the ground . No sooner she th' advantage found , But in she flew , and seconding With home-made thrust the heavy swing , She laid him flat upon his side , And mounting on his Trunk a-stride , Quoth she , I told thee what would come Of all thy vapouring , base Scum . Say , will the Law of Arms allow I may have Grace , and Quarter now ? Or wilt thou rather break thy word , And stain thine Honor , than thy Sword . A Man of War to damn his Soul , In basely breaking his Parol . And when before the Fight , th' hadst vow'd To give no Quarter in cold bloud : Now thou hast got me for a Tartar , To make m' against my will take quarter ? Why dost not put me to the Sword , But cowardly fly from thy word ? Quoth Hudibras , the day 's thine own ; Thou and thy Stars have cast me down : My Laurels are transplanted now , And flourish on thy conqu'●ing brow : My loss of Hono●'s great enough . Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff : Sarcasmes may eclipse thine own , But cannot blur my lost renown : I am not now in Fortune's power , He that is down can fall no lower . The ancient Hero's were illustrous For b'ing benigne , and not blustrous Against a vanquisht foe : their swords Were sharp and trencheant , not their words ; And did in fight but cut work-out T' employ their courtesies about . Quoth she , although thou hast deserv'd Base Slubberdegullion , to be serv'd As thou didst vow to deal with me , If thou hadst got the Victory ; Yet I shall rather act a part That suits my Fame , than thy desert . Thy Arms , thy Liberty , beside All that 's on the outside of thy Hide , Are mine by military Law , Of which I will not bate one straw : The rest , thy Life and Limbs , once more , Though doubly forfeit , I restore . Quoth Hudibras , it is too late For me to treat or stipulate ; What thou Commandst I must obey : Yet those whom I expugn'd to day ; Of thine own party , I let go , And gave them life and freedom too , Both Dogs and Bear , upon their parol , Whom I took pris'ners in this quarrel . Quoth Trulla , Whether thou or they Let one another run away , Concerns not me ; but was 't not thou That gave Crowdero quarter too ? Crowdero , whom in Irons bound , Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound , Where still he lies , and with regret His generous Bowels rage and fret . But now thy carcass shall redeem , And serve to be exchange for him . This said , the Knight did straight submit , And laid his weapons at her feet . Next he disrob'd his Gaberdine , And with it did himself resign . She took it , and forthwith devesting The Mantle that she wore , said jesting , Take that , and wear it for my sake ; Then threw it o're his sturdy back . And as the French we conquer'd once , Now give us Laws for Pantaloons , The length of Breeches , and the gathers , Port-cannons , Perriwigs , and Feathers ; Just so the proud insulting Lass Array'd and dighted Hudibras . Mean while the other Champions , yerst In hurry of the fight disperst . Arriv'd , when Trulla'd won the day , To share in th' Honor and the Prey , And out of Hudibras his Hide With vengeance to be satisfy'd ; Which now they were about to pour Upon him in a wooden showr . But Trulla thrust her self between , And striding o're his back agen , She brandisht o're her head his sword , And vow'd they should not break her word ; Sh' had given him quarter , and her bloud Or theirs would make their quarter good . For she was bound by Law of Arms , To see him safe from further harms . In Dungeon deep Crowdero cast By Hudibras as yet lay fast , Where to the hard and ruthless stones His great Heart made perpetual mones , Him she resolv'd that Hudibras Should ransome , and supply his place . This stopt their fury , and the basting Which toward Hudibras was hasting . They thought it was but just and right , That what we had atchiev'd in fight , She should dispose of how she pleas'd , Crowdero ought to be releas'd : Nor could that any way be done So well as this she pitcht upon : For who a better could imagine ? This therefore they resolv'd t' engage in . The Knight and Squire first they made Rise from the ground where they were laid ; Then mounted both upon their Horses , But with their Faces to the Arses , Orsin led Hudibras's beast , And Talgol that which Ralpho prest , Whow stout Magnano , valiant Cerdon And Colon waited as a guard on , All ush'ring Trulla , in the reer With th' Arms of either prisoner . In this proud order and array They put themselves upon their way , Striving to reach th' inchanted Castle , Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still . Thither with greater speed , than shows And triumphs over conquer'd foes Do use t' allow , or than the Bears Or Pageants born before Lord Mayors Are wont to use , they soon arriv'd , In order Soldier-like contriv'd , Still marching in a warlike posture , As fit for Battel as for Muster . The Knight and Squire they first unhorse , And bending 'gainst their Fort their force , They all advanc'd , and round about Begirt the Magical Redoubt . Magnan ' led up in this adventure , And made way for the rest to enter . For he was skilful in Black Art No less than he that built the Fort ; And with an Iron Mace laid flat A breach , which straight all enter'd at , And in the wooden Dungeon found Crowdero laid upon the ground . Him they release from durance base , Restor'd t' his Fiddle and his Case , And liberty , his thirsty rage With lushious vengeance to asswage . For he no sooner was at large , But Trulla straight brought on her charge , And in the self same Limbo put The Knight and Squire where he was shut . Where leaving them i' th' wretched hole , Their bangs and durance to condole , Confin'd and conjur'd into narrow Enchanted mansion , to know sorrow ; In the same order and array Which they advanc'd , they marcht away . But Hudibras who scorn'd to stoop To Fortune , or be said to droop , Chear'd up himself with ends of Verse , And Sayings of Philosophers . Quoth he , Th' one half of Man , his mind , Is Sui juris , unconfin'd , And cannot be laid by the heels , What e're the other moiety feels . 'T is not Restraint or Liberty That makes Men prisoners or free ; But perturbations that possess The Mind or Aequanimities . The whole world was not half so wide To Alexander , when he cry'd Because he had but one to subdue , As was a paultry narrow Tub to Diogenes , who is not sed ( For ought that ever I could read ) To whine , put finger i' th' eye , and sob Because h 'had ne'r another Tub. The Ancients make two several kinds Of Prowess in heroick minds , The Active and the Passive valiant ; Both which are pari libra gallant : For both to give blows and to carry , In fights are equinecessary ; But in defeats , the Passive stout Are always found to stand it out Most desp'rately , and to out-doe The Active , 'gainst a conqu'ring foe . Though we with blacks and blews are suggil'd , Or , as the vulgar say , are cudgel'd : He that is valiant , and dares fight , Though drubb'd can lose no honor by 't . Honor 's a lease for Lives to com● , And cannot be extended from The legal Tenant : 't is a Chattel , Not to be forfeited in Battel , If he that in the field is slain , Be in the Bed of Honor lain : He that is beaten may be sed To lye in Honor's Truckle-bed . For as we see th' eclipsed Sun By mortals is more gaz'd upon , Tahn when adorn'd with all his light He shines in Serene Sky most bright ; So Valour in a low estate Is most admir'd and wonder'd at . Quoth Ralph , How great I do not know We may by being beaten grow ; But none that see how here we sit , Will judge us overgrown with wit . As gif●ed Br●thr●n preaching by A Carnal Hour-glass , do imply Illumination can convey Into them what they have to say , But not how much ; so well enough Know you to charge , but not draw off . For who without a Cap and Bauble , Having subdu'd a Bear and Rabble , And might with Honor have come off , Would put it to a second proof ? A politick exploit , right fit For Presbyterian Zeal and Wit. Quoth Hudibras , that Cuckow 's tone , Ralpho , thou always harp'st upon : When thou at any thing wouldst rail , Thou mak's Presbytery thy scale To take the height on 't and explain To what degree it is prophane . Whats'ever will not with thy ( what d' ye call ) Thy light Jump right , thou call'st Synodical . As if Presbytery were a standard . To size whats'ever's to be slander'd . Dost not remember how this day Thou to my Beard wast bold to say , That thou couldst prove Bear-bai●ing equal With Synods , Orthodox and Lega ? Do if thou can'st , for I deny 't , And dare thee to 't with all thy light . Quoth Ralpho , Truly that is no Hard matter for a man to do That has but any Guts in 's Brains , And could believe it worth his pains . But since you dare and urge me to it , You 'l find I 've light enought to do it . Synods are mystical Bear-gardens , Where Eld●rs , Deputies , Churchwardens , And other Members of the Court Manage the Babylonish sport . For Prolocutor , Scribe , and Bearward , Do differ only in a mere word . Both are but sev'ral Synagogues Of carnal Men , and Bears and Dogs : Both Antichristian Assemblies , To mischief bent as far 's in them lies : Both stave and tail , with fierce contests , The one with Men , the other Beasts . The diff'rence is , The one fights with The Tongue , the other with the Teeth ; And that they bait but Bears in this , In th' others Souls and Consciences ; Where Saints themselves are brought to stake For Gospel-light and Conscience sake ; Expos'd to Scribes and Presbyters , Instead of Mastives Dogs and Curs ; Than whom th' have less humanity , For these at souls of Men will fly , This to the Prophet did appear , Who in a Vision saw a Bear , Prefiguring the beastly rage Of Church-rule in this later Age : As is demonstrated at full By him that baited the Pope's Bull. Bears naturally are Beasts of prey , That live by Rapine , so do they , What are their Orders , Constitutions , Church-Censures , Curses , Absolutions , But sev'ral mystick chains they make , To tye poor Christians to the stake ? And then set heathen Officers , Instead of Dogs , about their ears . For to prohibit and dispence , To find out or to make offence , Of Hell and Heaven to dispose , To play with Souls at fast and loose ▪ To set what Characters they please , And mulcts on Sin or Godliness ; Reduce the Church to Gospel-Order , By Rapine , Sacriledge , and Murther ; To make Presbytery supream , And Kings themselves submit to them ; And force all people , though against Their Consciences , to turn Saints , Must prove a pretty thriving Trade , When Saints Monopolists are made . When pious frauds and holy shifts Are dispensations and gifts , There Godliness becomes mere Ware , And ev'ry Synod but a Fair. Synods are whelps of th' Inquisition , A mungrel breed of like pernicion , And growing up became the Sires Of Scribes , Commissioners , and Triers ; Whose bus'ness is , by cunning slight To cast a figure for mens Light ; To find in lines of Beard and Face , The Phisiognomy of Grace ; And by the sound and twang of Nose , If all be sound within disclose , Free from a crack or flaw of sinning , As Men try Pipkins by the ringing . By Black Caps , underlaid with White , Give certain guess at inward Light ; Which Serjeants at the Gospel wear , To make the Spiritual Calling clear . The Handkerchief about the neck ( Canonical Crabat of Smeck , From whom the Institution came , When Church and State they set on flame , And worn by them as badges then Of Spiritual Warfaring Men ) Judge rightly if Regeneration Be of the newest Cut in fashion . Sure 't is an Orthodox opinion That Grace is founded in Dominion . Great Piety consists in Pride ; To rule is to be sanctify'd : To domineer , and to controul Both o're the Body and the Soul , Is the most perfect discipline Of Church-rule , and by right divine . Bel and the Dragons Chaplains were More moderate than these by far : For they ( poor Knaves ) were glad to cheat , To get their Wives and Children meat ; But these will not be fobb'd off so , They must have Wealth and Power too , Or else with bloud and desolation They 'l tear it out o' th' heart o' th' Nation . Sure these themselves from Primitive And Heathen Pristhood do derive , When Butchers were the only Clerks , Elders and Presbyters of Kirks , Whose Directory was to kill ; And some believe it is so still . The only diff'rence is , that then They slaughter'd only Beasts , now Men. For then to sacrifice a Bullock , Or now and then a Child to Moloch , They count a vile Abomination , But not to slaughter a whole Nation . Peresbytery does but translate The Papacy to a Free State , A Common-wealth of Popery , Where ev'ry Village is a See As well as Rome , and must maintain A Tithe Pig Metropolitan : Where ev'ry Presbyter and Deacon Commands the Keys for Cheese and Bacon ; And ev'ry Hamlet's governed By 's Holiness , the Church's head , More haughty and severe in 's place Than Gregory and Boniface . Such Church must ( surely ) be a Monster With many heads : for if we conster What in th' Apocalyps we find , According to th' Apostles mind , 'T is that the Whore of Babylon With many heads did ride upon ; Which Heads denote the sinful Tribe Of Deacon , Priest , Lay-elder , Scribe . Lay-elder , Simeon to Levi , Whose little finger is as heavy As loins of Patriarchs , Prince-Prelate , Archbishop-secular . This Zelot Is of a mungrel , divers kind , Clerick before , and Lay behind ; A Lawless Linsy-woolsy Brother , Half of one Order , half another ; A Creature of amphibious nature , On Land a Beast , a Fish in Water ; That always preys on Grace , or Sin ; A Sheep without , a Wolf within . This fierce Inquisitor has chief Dominion over mens Belief And Manners ; can pronounce a Saint Idolatrous , or ignorant , When superciliously he sifts Through coursest Boulter others gifts . For all Men live and judge amiss Whose Talents jump not just with his . He 'l lay on Gifts with hands , and place On dullest noddle light and grace , The manufacture of the Kirk , Whose Pastors are but th' Handiwork Of his Mechanick Pawes , instilling Divinity in them by feeling . From whence they start up chosen Vessels , Made by Contact , as Men get Meazles . So Cardinals , they say , do grope At th' other end the new made Pope . Hold , hold , quoth Hudibras , Soft fire , They say , does make sweet Malt. Good Squire . Festina lente , not too fast ; For haste ( the Proverb says ) makes waste . The Quirks and Cavils thou dost make Are false , and built upon mistake . And I shall bring you , with your pack Of Fallacies , t' Elenchi back ; And put your Arguments in mood And figure , to be understood . I 'le force you by right ratiocination To leave your Vitilitigation , And make you keep to th' question close , And argue Dialectic●s . The Question then , to state it first , Is which is better , or which worst Synods or Bears . Bears I avow To be the worst , and Synods thou . But to make good th' Assertion , Thou say'st th' are really all one . If so , not worst ; for if th' are idem , Why then , Tantundem dat tantidem . For if they are the same , by course Neither is better , neither worse . But I deny they are the same , More than a Maggot and I am . That both are Animalia , I grant , but not Rationalia : For though they do agree in kind , Specifick difference we find . And can no more make Bears of these , Than prove my Horse is Socrates . That Synods are Bear-gardens too , Thou dost affirm ; but I say no : And thus I prove it , in a word . Whats'ever Assembly's not impowr'd To censure , curse , absolve , and ordain , Can be no Synod : but Bear-garden Has no such pow'r , Ergo 't is none . And so thy Sophistry's o'rethrown . But yet we are beside the Question Which thou didst raise the first contest on ; For that was , Whether Bears are better Than Synod-men , I say Negatur . That Bears are Beasts , and Synods Men , Is held by all : they 'r better then . For Bears and Dogs on four Legs go , As Beasts , but Synod-men on Two . 'T is true , they all have Teeth and Nails ; But prove that Synod-men have tails ; Or that a rugged , shaggy Fur Crows o're the Hide of Presbyter ; Or that his snout and spacious Ears Do hold proportion with a Bear 's . A Bear 's a savage Beast , of all Most ugly and unnatural , Whelpt without form , until the Dam Have lickt him into shape and frame ; But all thy light can ne'r evict That ever Synod-man was lickt ; Or brought to any other fashion Than his own Will and Inclination . But thou dost further yet in this Oppugne thy self and sense , that is , Thou wouldst have Presbyters to go For Bears and Dogs and Bearwards too . A strange Chimaera of Beasts and Men , Made up of pieces Heterogene , Such as in Nature never met In eodem Subjecto yet . Thy other Arguments are all Supposures , Hypothetical , That do but beg , and we may chuse Either to grant them , or refuse . Much thou hast said , which I know when , And where thou stol'st from other Men , ( Whereby 't is plain thy light and gifts Are all but plagiary shifts ; ) And is the same that Ranter sed , That arguing with me , broke my head , And tore a handful of my Beard : The self-same Cavils , then I heard , When b'ing in hot dispute about This Controversie , we fell out ; And what thou know'st I answer'd then , Will serve to answer thee agen . Quoth Ralpho , Nothing but th' abuse Of Humane Learning you produce ; Learning that Cobweb of the Brain , Profane , erroneous , and vain ; A trade of Knowledge as repleat As others are with fraud and cheat ; An Art t' incumber Gifts and Wit , And render both for nothing fit ; Makes light unactive , dull and troubled , Like little David in Saul's Doublet ; A cheat that Scholars put upon Other mens reason and their own ; A Fort of Error , to ensconce Absurdity and Ignorance , That renders all the avenues To Truth impervious and abstruse , By making plain things , in debate , By Art , perplext and intricate : For nothing goes for Sense or Light That will not with old rules jump right . As if Rules were not in the Schools Deriv'd from Truth , but Truth from Rules . This Pagan , Heathenish invention Is good for nothing but Contention . For as in Sword-and-Buckler Fight , All blows do on the Target light : So when Men argue , the great'st part O' th' Contest falls on terms of Art , Untill the Fustian stuff be spent , And then they fall to th' Argument . Quoth Hudibras , Friend Ralph , thou hast Out-run the Constabe at last ; For thou art fallen on a new Dispute , as senseless as untrue , But to the former opposite , And contrary as black to white ; Mere Disparata , that concerning Presbytery , this Human Learning ; Two things s'averse , they never yet But in thy rambling fancy met , But I shall take a fit occasion T' evince thee by Ratiocination , Some other time , in place more proper Than this w' are in : therefore let 's stop here , And rest our weary'd bones awhile , Already tir'd with other toil .

Annotations TO THE FIRST PART . That could as well bind o're as swaddle .

BInd over to the Sessions , as being a Justice of the Peace in his Countrey , as well as Colonel of a Regiment of Foot , in the Parliaments Army , and a Committee-man ,

As Mountaigne playing with his Cat.

Mountagin in his Essays supposes his Cat thought him a Fool , for losing his time , in playing with her .

Profoundly skill'd in Analitique .

Analitique is a part of Logick that teaches to Decline and Construe Reason , as Grammar does Words .

A Babylonish Dialect .

A confusion of Languages , such , as some of our Modern Virtuosi use to express themselves in .

That had the Orator who once ,

Demosthenes , who is said to have a defect in his Pronunciation , which he cur'd by using to speak with little stones in his mouth .

He could reduce all things to Acts.

The old Philosophers thought to extract Notions out of Natural things , as Chymists do Spirits and Essences , and when they had refin'd them into the nicest subtleties , gave them as insignificant Names , as those Operators do their Extractions : But ( as Seneca says ) the subtler things are render'd , they are but the nearer to Nothing . So are all their definitions of things by Acts , the nearer to Nonsense .

Where Truth in person does appear .

Some Authors have mistaken Truth for a Real thing , when it is nothing but a right Method of putting those Notions , or Images of things ( in the understanding of Man ) into the same state and order , that their Originals hold in Nature , and therefore Aristotle says , unumquodque sicut se habet secundum esse , ita se habet secundum veritatem . Met. L. 2.

Like words congeal'd in Northern Air.

Some report that in Nova Zemble , and Greenland , Mens words are wont to be Frozen in the Air , and at the Thaw may be heard .

He knew the Seat of Paradise .

There is nothing more ridiculous than the various opinions of Authors about the Seat of Paradise ; Sir Walter Rawleigh has taken a great deal of pains to collect them , in the beginning of his History of the World ; where those who are unsatisfied , may be fully inform'd .

By a High-Dutch Interpreter .

Goropius Becanus endeavors to prove that High-Dutch was the Language that Adam and Eve spoke in Paradise .

If either of them had a Navel .

Adam and Eve being made , and not Conceiv'd , and Form'd in the womb , had no Navels , as some Leaned Men have suppos'd , because they had no need of them .

Who first made Musick Malleable .

Musick is said to be invented by Pythagoras , who first found out the Proportion of Notes , from the sounds of Hammers upon an Anvil .

Like Mahomet's were Ass and Widgeon .

Mahomet had a tame Dove that used to pick Seeds out of his Ear , that it might be thought to whisper and Inspire him . His Ass was so intimate with him , that the Mahometans believe it carry'd him to Heaven , and stays there with him to bring him back again .

It was Canonique , and did grow In Holy Orders by strict Vow .

He made a Vow never to cut his Beard , until the Parliament had subdued the King , of which Order of Phanatique Votaries , there were many in those times .

So Learned Taliacotius , &c.

Taliacotius was an Italian Chirurgeon , that found out a way to repair lost and decay'd Noses .

But left the Trade , as many more , Have lately done , &c.

Oliver Cromwel and Colonel Pride had been both Brewers .

That Caesar's Horse , who as Fame goes , Had Corns upon his Feet and Toes .

Julius Caesar had a Horse with Feet like a Man's . Vtebatur equo insigni , pedibus prope Humanis , & in modum Digitorum vngulis fi●sis . Sueton in Jul. Cap. 61.

The mighty Tyrian Queen that gain'd With subtle shreds , a Tract of Land .

Dido Queen of Carthage , who bought as much Land as she could compass with an Oxes Hide , which she cut into small Thongs , and cheated the owner of so much ground , as serv'd her to build Carthage upon .

As the bold Trojan Knight seen Hell .

Aeneas whom Virgil reports to use a Golden Bough , for a Pass to Hell , and Tailors call that place Hell , where they put all they steal .

In Magick , Talisman , and Cabal .

Talisman is a Device to destroy any sort of Vermin by casting their Images in Metal , in a precise minute , when the Stars are perfectly inclin'd to do them all the mischief they can . This has been experimented by some modern Virtuosi , upon Rats , Mice , and Fleas , and found ( as they affirm ) to produce the Effect with admirable success .

Raymund Lully interprets Cabal out of the Arabick , to signify Scientia superabundans , which his Comentator , Cornelius Agrippa , by over magnifying , has render'd a very superfluous Foppery .

As far as Adam's first Green Breeches .

The Author of Magia Adamica indeavors to prove the Learning of the antient Magi , to be deriv'd from that knowledge which God himself taught Adam in Paradise , before the Fall .

And much of Terra Incognita The Intelligible world could say .

The Intelligible world , is a kind of Terra del Fuego , or Psittacorum Reg●o , discover'd only by the Philosophers , of which they talk , like Parrots , what they do not understand .

As Learn'd as the wild Irish are .

No Nation in the World is more addicted to this occult Philosophy , than the Wild Irish , as appears by the whole practice of their Lives , of which see Cambden in his description of Ireland .

In Rosy Crucian Lore as Learned As he that vere Adeptus earned .

The Fraternity of the Rosy Crucians is very like the Sect of the ancient Gnostici , who call'd themselves so , from the excellent Learning they pretended to , although they were really the most ridiculous Sots of all Mankind .

Vere Adeptus , is one that has Commenc'd in their Fanatique extravagance .

Thou that with Ale or viler Liquors Did'st inspire Withers , Pryn , and Vickars .

This Vickars was a Man of as great Interest and Authority in the late Reformation , as Pryn or Withers , and as able a Poet ; He Translated Virgils Aeneides into as horrible Travesty in earnest , as the French Scaroon did in Burlesque , and was only out-done in his way by the Politique Author of Oceana .

We that are wisely mounted higher .

This Speech is set down as it was deliver'd by the Knight in his own words : but since it is below the Gravity of Heroical Poetry , to admit of Humor , but all men are oblig'd to speak wisely alike ; And too much of so extravagant a Folly would become tedious , and impertinent : The rest of his Harangues have only his Sense exprest in other words , unless in some few places where his own words could not be so well avoided .

In Bloudy Cynarctomachy .

Cynarctomachy signifies nothing in the World , but a Fight between Dogs and Bears , though both the Learned and Ignorant agree , that in such words very great Knowledge is contained : and our Knight as one , or both of those , was of the same opinion .

Or Force , we averruncate it .

Another of the same kind , which though it appear ever so Learned , and Profound , means nothing else but the weeding of Corn.

The Indians fought for the Truth Of th' Elephant , and Monkeys Tooth .

The History of the White Elephant and the Monkeys Tooth , which the Indians ador'd , is written by Monsieur Le Blanc . This Monkey's Tooth was taken by the Portuguese from those that worship't it , and though they offer'd a vast Ransom for it , yet the Christians were perswaded by their Priests , rather to burn it . But as soon as the Fire was kindled , all the People present were not able to indure the horrible stink that came from it , as if the Fire had been made of the same Ingredients , with which Seamen use to compose that kind of Granado's , which they call Stinkards .

This Rage in them like Bout-feus .

Bout-feus is a French word , and therefore it were uncivil to suppose any English Person ( especially of Quality ) ignorant of it , or so ill-bread as to need an Exposition .

As Indian Brittains are from Penguins

The American Indians call a great Bird they have , with a white head a Penguin ; which signify's the same thing in the Brittish Tongue : From whence ( with other words of the same kind ) some Authors have indeavour'd to prove , That the Americans are originally deriv'd from the Brittains .

And though his Countrey-men the Huns.

This custom of the Huns is describ'd by Ammianus Marcellinus . Hunii Semicruda cujusvis Pecoris carne vescuntur , quam inter femora sua & equorum terga subsertam , fotu calefaciunt brevi . Pap. 686.

— He spous'd in India Of Noble House a Lady gay .

This story in Le blance , of a Bear that married a Kings Daughter , is no more strange than many others in most Travellers , that pass with allowance , for if they should write nothing but what is possible , or probable , they might appear to have lost their labor , and observed nothing , but what they might have done as well at home .

They would not suffer the stout'st Dame To swear by Hercules's Name .

The old Romans had particular Oaths for Men and Women to swear by , and therefore Macrobius says , Viri per Castorem non jurabant antiquitus , nce Mulieres per Herculem , Aedepol autem juramentum erat tam mulieribus quam viris commune , &c.

As stout Armida , bold Thalestris .

Two formidable Women at Arms in Romances , that were cudgell'd into Love by their Gallants .

Wore in their Hats like Wedding Garters .

Some few days after the King had accus'd the Five Members of Treason in the House of Commons ; great crouds of the Rabble came down to West-minster-Hall , with Printed Copies of the Protestation , ty'd in their Hats like Favors .

Make that Sarcasmous scandal true !

Abusive , or insulting had been better , but our Knight believ'd the Learned Languages , more convenient to understand in , than his own Mother-tongue .

And is indeed the self-same case With theirs that swore t' Et caeteras .

The Convocation in one of the short Parliaments that usher'd in the long one ( as Dwarfs are wont to do Knights Errant ) made an Oath to be taken , by the Clergy , for observing of Canonical obedience ; in which they injoyn'd their Brethren , out of the abundance of their Consciences , to swear to Articles with &c.

Or the French League in which men vow'd , To fight to the last drop of Bloud .

The Holy League in France , design'd and made for the Extirpation of the Protestant Religion , was the Original , out of which the Solemn League and Covenant here , was ( with difference only of Circumstances ) most faithfully Transcrib'd . Nor did the success of both differ more than the Intent and Purpose ; for after the destruction of vast numbers of People of all sorts , both ended with the Murthers of two Kings , whom they had both sworn to defend : and as our Covenanters swore every Man , to run one before another in the way of Reformation , So did the French in the Holy League , to fight to the last drop of Bloud .

First Trulla stav'd , and Cerdon tail'd .

Staving and Tayling are terms of Art us'd in the Bear-Garden , and signify there only the parting of Dogs and Bears : though they are us'd Metaphorically in several other Professions , for moderating , as Law , Divinity , Hectoring , &c.

Or like the late corrected Leathern Ears of the Circumcised Brethren .

Prynn , Bastwyck , and Burton , who laid down their Ears as Proxies for three Professions of the Godly Party , who not long after maintain'd their Right and Title to the Pillory , to be as good and lawful , as theirs , who first of all took possession of it in their Names .

By him that Baited the Popes Bull.

A Learned Divine in King James's time wrote a Polemick Work against the Pope , and gave it that unlucky Nick-Name , of The Popes Bull Baited .

Canonical Crabat of Smec .

Smectymnus was a Club of Parliamentary Holders-forth , The Characters of whose Names and Talents were by themselves exprest , in that senseless and insignificant word ; They wore Handkerchers about their Necks for a Note of Distinction , ( as the Officers of the Parliament Army then did ) which afterwards degenerated into Carnal Crabats .

And leave your Vitilitigation .

Vitilitigation is a word the Knight was passionately in love with , and never fail'd to use it upon all possible occasions , and therefore to omit it , when it fell in the way , had argu'd too great a Neglect of his Learning , and Parts , though it means no more than a perverse humour of wrangling .

FINIS .

HUDIBRAS . The SECOND PART .

By the Author of the First . CORRECTED & AMENDED , With Several Additions and Annotations .

LONDON : Printed by T.H. for T. Sawbridge in Little-Britain , R. Bentley in Russel-street in Covent-Garden , and G. Wells in St. Pauls Church-yard , 1684.

The SECOND PART of HUDIBRAS . The Argument of the first CANTO . The Knight being ●●●p'd by th' heels in Prison , The last unhappy Expedition , Love brings his Action on the Case , And lays it upon Hudibras . How he receives the Ladies visit , And cunningly sollicits his sute , Which she defers : yet on Parole , Redeems him from th' Inchanted Hole . CANTO I. BUt now t' observe Romantick method , Let rusty Steel a while be sheathed ; And all those harsh & rugged sounds Of Bastinado's , Cuts , and Wounds Exchang'd to Love's more gentle stile , To let our Reader breathe a while : In which , that we may be as brief as Is possible , by way of Preface . Is 't not enough to make one strange , That some mens fancies should ne'er change ? But make all people do , and say , The same things still the self-same way : Some Writers make all Ladies purloin'd , And Knights pursuing like a Whirlwind : Others make all their Knights , in fits Of Jealousie , to lose their wits ; Till drawing blood o' th' Dames , like Witches , Th' are forthwith cur'd of their Capriches . Some always thrive in their Amours , By pulling Plaisters off their Sores ; As Cripples do to get an Alms , Just so do they , and win their Dames . Some force whole Regions , in despight O' Geography , to change their site : Make former times shake hands with latter , And that that was before , come after , But those that write in Rhime , still make The one Verse for the others sake : For , one for Sense , and one for Rhime , I think's sufficient at one time . But we forget in what sad plight We lately left the Captiv'd Knight , And pensive Squire both bruis'd in body , And conjur'd into safe Custody : Tir'd with Dispute , and speaking Latine , As well as basting , and Bear-baiting ; And desperate of any course , To free himself by wit or force . His only Solace was , That now His dog-bolt Fortune was so low : That either it must quickly end , Or turn about again , and mend : In which he found th' event , no less , Than other times beside his guess ; There is a tall long-sided Dame , ( But wondrous light ) ycleped Fame , That like a thin Camelion boards Her self on Air , and eats her words : Upon her shoulders wings she wears , Like Hanging-sleeves , lin'd through with Ears , And Eyes , and Tongues , as Poets list , Made good by deep Mythologist . With these , she through the Welkin flies , And sometimes carries Truth , oft Lies ; With Letters hung like Eastern Pidgeons ; And Mercuries of farthest Regions ; Diurnals writ for Regulation Of Lying , to inform the Nation : And by their publick use to bring down The rate of Whetstones in the Kingdom . About her neck a Pacquet - Male , Fraught with Advice , some fresh , some stale , Of Men that walk'd when they were dead , And Cows of Monsters brought to bed : Of Hailstones big as Pullets Eggs , And Puppies whelp'd with twice two legs : A Blazing-Star seen in the West , By six or seven Men at least . Two Trumpets she does sound at once , But both of clean contrary tones . But whether both with the same Wind , Or one before , and one behind , We know not ; only this can tell , Th' one sounds vilely , th' other well . And therefore vulgar Authors name Th' one good , th' other Evil Fame . This tatling Gossip knew too well , What mischief Hudibras befel ; And streight the spightful tidings bears , Of all , to th' unkind Widows Ears . Democritus ne'er laugh'd so loud To see Bawds carted through the crowd , Or Funerals with stately Pomp , March slowly on in solemn dump ; As she laugh'd out , until her back As well as sides , was like to crack . She vow'd she would go see the Sight , And visit the distressed Knight , To do the Office of a Neighbor , And be a Gossip at his Labor : And from his wooden Jail , the Stocks , To set at large his Fetter-locks , And by Exchange , Parole , or Ransome , To free him from th' Inchanted Mansion . This b'ing resolv'd , she call'd for hood And Usher , Implements abroad , Which Ladies wear , beside a slender Young waiting Damsel to attend her . All which appearing , on she went , To find the Knight in Limbo pent : And 't was not long before she found Him , and his stout Squire in the Pound ; Both coupled in Inchanted Tether , By further Leg behind together : For as he sate upon his Rump , His Head like one in doleful dump , Between his knees , his hands apply'd Unto his Ears on either side . And by him , in another hole , Afflicted Ralpho , Cheek by Joul ; She came upon him in his wooden Magicians Circle , on the sudden , As Spirits do , t' a Conjurer , When in their dreadful shapes th' appear . No sooner did the Knight perceive her , But straight he fell into a Fever , Inflam'd all over with disgrace , To be seen by her in such a place ; Which made him hang the head , and scowl , And wink and goggle like an Owl ; He felt his Brains begin to swim , When thus the Dame accosted him ; This place ( quoth she ) they say's Inchanted , And with Delinquent Spirits haunted ; That here are ty'd in Chains , and scourg'd , Until their guilty Crimes be purg'd ; Look , there are two of them appear Like Persons I have seen somewhere : Some have mistaken Blocks and Posts , For Spectres , Apparations , Ghosts With Sawcer-eyes , and Horns ; and some Have heard the Devil beat a Drum : But if our Eyes are not false Glasses , That give a wrong account of Faces ; That Beard and I should be acquainted , Before 't was conjur'd and inchanted . For though it be disfigur'd somewhat , As if 't had lately been in Combat ; It did belong t' a worthy Knight , Howe'er this Goblin is come by 't . When Hudibras the Lady heard To take kind notice of his Beard , And speak with such respect and honor , Both of the Beard , and the Beard 's Owner , He thought it best to set as good A face upon it as he cou'd , And thus he spoke ; Lady , your bright And radiant Eyes are in the right : The Beard 's th' Identique Beard you knew The same numerically true : Nor is it worn by Fiend or Elf , But its Proprietor himself . Oh Heavens ! quoth she , can that be true ? I do begin to fear 't is you : Not by your individual Whiskers , But by your Dialect and Discourse ; That never spoke to Man or Beast , In notions vulgarly exprest . But what malignant Star , alas , Has brought you both to this sad pass ? Quoth he , the fortune of the War , Which I am less afflicted for , Than to be seen with Beard and Face , By you in such a homely case . Quoth she , those need not be asham'd , For being honorably maim'd ; If he that is in battel conquer'd , Have any Title to his own Beard . Though yours be sorely lugg'd and torn , It does your visage more adorn , Than if 't were prun'd , and starch'd , and lander'd , And cut square by the Russian Standerd , A torn Beard 's like a tatter'd Ensign , That 's bravest which there are most rents in . That Petticoat about your Shoulders , Does not so well become a Soldiers , And I 'm afraid they are worse handled , Although i' th reer your Beard the Van led . And those uneasie bruises make My heart for company to ake , To see so worshipful a friend ●'th Pillory set , at the wrong end . Quoth Hudibras , This thing call'd Pain , ●s ( as the Learn'd Stoicks maintain ) Not bad simpliciter , nor good , ●ut merely as 't is understood , Sense is deceitful , and may faign , As well in counterfeiting pain , As other gross Phaenomena's , In which it oft mistakes the Case . But since th' immortal Intellect ( That 's free from Error and Defect , Whose objects still persist the same ) Is free from outward bruise or maim . Which nought external can expose To gross material bangs or blows : It follows , we can ne'er be sure , Whether we pain or not endure : And just so far are sore and griev'd , As by the Fancy is believ'd . Some have been wounded with conceit , And dy'd of mere opinion streight . Others , though wounded sore in reason , Felt nor contusion nor discretion . A Saxon Duke did grow so fat , That Mice , ( as Histories relate ) Eat Grots and Labyrinths to dwell in His Postique parts , without his feeling ; Then how is 't possible a kick , Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? Quoth she , I grant it is in vain For one that 's basted , to feel pain ; Because the Pangs his bones endure , Contribute nothing to the Cure : Yet Honor hurt is wont to rage With Pain no Med'cine can asswage . Quoth he , That Honor 's very squemish That takes a basting for a blemish : For what 's more honourable then scars , Or skin to tatters rent in Wars ? Some have been beaten till they know What Wood a Cudgel's of by th' blow ; Some kick'd , until they can feel whether A Shooe be Spanish or Neats-Leather : And yet have met , after long running , With some whom they have taught that cunning , The furthest way about , t' o'ercome , I' th' end does prove th' nearest home ; By Laws of Learned Duellists , They that are bruis'd with Wood , or Fists . And think one beating may for once Suffice , are Cowards , and Pultroons : But if they dare engage t' a second , They 're stout and gallant fellows reckon'd . Th' old Romans , freedom did bestow ; Our Princes worship with a blow : King Pyrrhus cur'd his splenetick And testy Courtiers with a kick . The Negus , when some mighty Lord , Or Potentate's to be restor'd , And Pardon'd for some great offence With which he 's willing to dispence . First has him laid upon his Belly , Then beaten back , and side , t' a Jelly ; That done , he rises , humbly bows , And gives thanks for the gracious blows ; Departs not meanly proud , and boasting , Of his magnificent Rib-Roasting . The beaten Souldier , proves most manful , That like his Sword , endures the Anvil : And justly's held more formidable , The more his Valor 's malleable . But he that fears a Bastinado , Will run away from his own shadow . And though I 'm now in durance fast , By our own Party basely cast , Ransome , Exchange , Parole , refus'd , And worse than by th' Enemy us'd ; In close Catasta shut , past hope Of Wit , or Valour , to elope , As Beards , the nearer that they tend To th' Earth , still grow more reverend : And Cannons shoot the higher pitches , The lower we let down their Breeches : I 'll make this low dejected fate Advance me to a greater height . Quoth she , Y' ve almost made m' in Love With that which did my pity move : Great Wits , and Valors , like great States , Do sometimes sink with their own weights : The extreams of Glory , and of Shame , Like East and West , become the same : No Indian Prince has to his Palace More follow'rs than a Theif to th' Gallows . But if a beating seem so brave , What Glories must a whipping have ? Such great Atchievments cannot fail , To cast salt on a Womans Tail , For if I thought your nat'ral Talent Of Passive Courage , were so Gallant ; As you strain hard to have it thought , I could grow amorous , and dote . When Hudibras this language heard , He prick'd up 's ears , and strok'd his Beard : Thought he , this is the Lucky hour , Wines work , when Vines are in the flower ; This Crisis then I 'll set my rest on , And put her boldly to the Question . Madam , what you would seem to doubt , Shall be to all the world made out , How I 've been Drubb'd , and with what Spirit , And Magnanimity , I bear it ; And if you doubt it to be true , I 'll stake my self down against you : And if I fail in Love or Troth , Be you the Winner , and take both Quoth she , I 've heard old cunning Stagers Say , Fools for Arguments use wagers . And though I prais'd your Valor , yet I Did not mean to baulk your Wit , Which if you have , you must needs know What , I have told you before now , And you b' experiment have prov'd , I cannot love where I 'm belov'd . Quoth Hudibras , 't is a ●●●rich Beyond th' infliction of a Witch ; So Cheats to play with those still aim , That do not understand the Game . Love in your heart as idly burns , As fire in antique Romans-Urns , To warm the Dead , and vainly light Those only , that see nothing by 't . Have you not power to entertain , And render Love for Love again ? As no man can draw in his breath At once , and force out Air beneath ? Or do you love your self so much , To bear all Rivals else a Grutch ? What Fate can lay a greater Curse , Than you upon your self would force ; For Wedlock without love , some say , Is but a Lock without a Key . It is a kind of Rape to Marry One , that neglects , or cares not for ye : For , what does make it Ravishment , But b'ing against the the Mind's Consent ? A Rape , that is the more inhumane , For being acted by a Woman : Why are you fair , but to entice us To love you , that you may despise us ? But though you cannot love , you say , Out of your own Fanatique way , Why should you not , at least , allow , Those that love you , to do so too : For , as you fly me , and pursue Love more averse , so I do you ; And am by your own Doctrine taught , To practise what you call a fault , Quoth she , If what you say be true , You must fly me , as I do you ; But 't is not what we do , but say , In Love and Preaching , that must sway . Quoth he , to bid me not to love , Is to forbid my Pulse to move ; My Beard to grow , my Ears to prick up , Or ( when I 'm in a fit ) to kick up : Command me to piss out the Moon , And 't will as easily be done . Loves powr's too great to be withstood By feeble humane flesh and blood . 'T was he , that brought upon his knees The Hect'ring Kill-Cow Hercules ; Reduc'd his Leager-lions skin T' a Pettecoat , and made him spin : Seiz'd on his Club , and made it dwindle T' a feeble Distaff , and a Spindle . 'T was he made Emperors Gallants To their own Sisters , and their Aunts ; Set Popes , and Cardinals agog To play with Pages at Leap frog ; 'T was he that gave our Senate purges , And fluxt the House of many a Burgess ; Made those that represent the Nation Submit and suffer amputation : And all the Grandees o' th' the Cabal , Adjourn to Tubs , at spring and fall . He mounted Synod-men and rode 'em To Durty-lane , and little Sodom ; Made 'em Corvett , like Spanish Jenets , And take the Ring at Madam — 'T was he that made Saint Francis do More than the Devil could tempt him too ; In cold and frosty weather grow Enamor'd of a Wife of Snow ; And though she were of rigid temper , With melting flames accost and tempt her : Which after in enjoyment quenching , He hung a Garland on his Engine . Quoth she , if Love have these effects , Why is it not forbid our Sex ? Why is 't not damn'd , and interdicted , For Diabolical and wicked ? And song , as out of tune , against , As Turk and Pope are by the Saints ? I find , I 've greater reason for it , Than I believ'd before t' abhor it . Quoth Hudibras , These sad effects Spring from your Heathenish neglects Of Loves great pow'r , which he returns Upon your selves with equal scorns ; And those who worthy Lover's slight , Plague's with prepost'rous appetite ; This made the beautious Queen of Crete To take a Town-Bull for her Sweet ; And from her greatness stoop so low , To be the Rival of a Cow . Others to prostitute their great Hearts , To be Baboons , and Monkeys Sweet-hearts . Some with the Dev'l himself in League grow By 's Representative a Negro : 'T was this made Vestal-Maids love-sick , And venture to be bury'd Quick . Some by their Fathers and their Brothers , To be made Mistresses , and Mothers : 'T is this that Proudest Dames enamors On Lacquies , and Varlets des-Chambres Their haughty Stomachs overcomes , And makes 'em stoop to Dirty Grooms , To slight the World , and to disparage Claps , Issue , Infamy , and Marriage . Quoth she , these Judgments are severe , Yet such , as I should rather bear , Than trust men with their Oaths , or prove Their faith , and secresie in love . Says he , their is a weighty reason , For secresie in Love as Treason . Love is a Burglarer , a Felon , That at the Windore-eie does steal in , To rob the the Heart , and with his prey Steals out again a closer way , Which whosoever can discover , He 's sure ( as he deserves ) to suffer . Love is a fire , that burns and sparkles , In Men , as nat'rally as in Char-coals , Which sooty Chymists stop in holes , When out of Wood , they extract Coles ; So Lovers , should their Passions choak , That though they burn , they may not smoak . 'T is like that sturdy Thief that stole , And drag'd Beasts backwards , into 's hole : So Love does Lovers ; and us Men Draws by the Tails into his Den ; That no impression may discover , And trace t' his Cave , the wary Lover . But if you doubt I should reveal What you entrust me under Seal , I 'll prove my self as close and virtuous , As , your own Secretary , Albertus , Quoth she , I grant you may be close In hiding what your aims propose ; Love-Passions are like Parables , By which men still mean something else : Though Love be all the worlds pretence , Mony 's the My thologic fence , The real substance of the shadow , Which all Address and Courtship 's made to . Thought he , I understand your Play , And how to quit you your own way ; He that will win his Dame , must do , As Love do's , when he bends his Bow : With the one hand thrust the Lady from , And with the other pull her home . I grant , quoth he , Wealth is a great Provocative , to am'rous heat ; It is all Philters , and high diet That makes Love Rampant , and to fly out : 'T is Beauty always in the Flower , That buds and blossoms at fourscore : 'T is that by which the Sun and Moon , At their own weapons are out-done ; That make Knights Errant fall in trances , And lay about 'em in Romances . T is Virtue , Wit , and Worth , and all , That Men Divine and Sacred call . For what is Worth in any thing , But so much Money as 't will bring ? Or what but Riches is there known , Which man can solely call his own ; In which , no Creatures goes his half , Unless it be to squint and laugh ? I do confess , with Goods and Land , I 'd have a Wife , at second hand ; And such you are : Nor is 't your person , My stomach 's set so sharp and sierce on , But 't is ( your better part ) your Riches , That my enamor'd heart bewitches ; Let me your fortune but possess , And settle your person how you please : Or make it o'r in trust to the Devil , You 'l find me reasonable and Civil . Quoth she , I like this plainess better Than false Mock-Passion , Speech , or Letter , Or any feat of qualm or sowning , But hanging of your self , or drowning ; Your onely way with me , to break , Your mind , is breaking of your Neck : For as when Merchants break , o'rthrown Like Nine-pins , they strike others down ; So , that would break my heart , which done , My tempting fortune is your own . These are but trifles , ev'ry Lover Will damn himself , over and over , And greater matters undertake , For a less worthy Mistress sake : Yet th' are the onely ways to prove The unfeigned realties of Love ; For he that hangs , or beats out 's brains , The Devils in him if he feigns . Quoth Hudibras , this way 's too rough , For mere experiment , and proof ; It is no jesting trivial matter , To swing in th' Air , or plunge in Water , And like a Water-witch , try love . That 's to destroy , and not to prove : As if a man should be dissected , To find what part is disaffected : Your better way is to make over , In Trust , your fortune to your Lover ; Trust is a Tryal , if it break , T is not so desp'rate as a Neck : Beside , th' experiment's more certain , Men venture Necks to gain a Fortune ; The Soldier does it ev'ry day ( Eight to the week ) for sixpence pay : Your Pettifoggers damn their Souls , To share with Knaves in Cheating Fools : And Merchants vent'ring through the Main , Slight Pirats , Rocks and Horns for gain . This is the way I advise you to , Trust me , and see what I will do . Quoth she , I should be loath to run My self all th' hazard , and you none . Which must be done , unless some deed Of yours , aforesaid do precede ; Give but your self one gentle swing , For tryal , and I 'll cut the string : Or give that Reverend Head , a maul , Or two , or three , against a Wall ; To shew you are a man of Mettle , And I 'll engage my self , to settle . Quoth he , my Head 's not made of brass , As Frier Bacon's noddle was : Nor ( like the Indian's scull ) so tough , That Authors say , 't was Musket-proof : As it had need to be to enter , As yet , on any new Adventure ; You see what bangs it has endur'd , That would , before new feats , be cur'd , But if that 's all you stand upon ; Here strike , me luck , it shall be done . Quoth she , the matter 's not so far gone As you suppose , Two words t' a Bargain , That may be done , and time enough , When you have given down right proof : And yet 't is no Fantastick pike , I have to love , nor coy dislike ; 'T is no implicite nice Aversion T' your Conversation , Meen , or Person : But a just fear , lest you should prove False , and perfidious in Love ; For if I thought you could be true , I could love twice as much as you . Quoth he , My faith as Adamantine As Chains of Destiny , I 'll maintain ; True as Apollo ever spoke , Or Oracle from heart of Oak . And if you 'll give my flame but vent , Now in close hugger-mugger pent , And shine upon me but benignly , With that one , and that other Pigsny , The Sun and Day shall sooner part , Than Love , or you , shake off my heart . The Sun that shall no more dispence His own , but your bright influence ; I 'll carve your name on Barks of Trees . With True-loves knots , and Flourishes ; That shall infuse eternal spring , And everlasting flourishing : Drink every Letter on 't , in Stum ; And make it brisk Champaign become ; Where e'er you tread , your foot shall set The Primrose and the Violet ; All Spices , Perfumes , and sweet Powders , Shall borrow from your breath their Odors ; Nature her Charter shall renew , And take all lives of things from you ; The World depend upon your Eye , And when you frown upon it , die ; Only our loves shall still survive , New Worlds and Natures to out-live ; And , like Heralds Moons , remain All Crescents , without change or wane . Hold , hold , quoth she , no more of this Sir Knight , you take your aim amiss ; For you will find it a hard Chapter , To catch me with Poetique Rapture , In which your Mastery of Art , Doth shew it self and not your Heart ; Nor will you raise in mine Combustion , By dint of high Heroick fustion : She that with Poetry is won , Is but a Desk to write upon ; And what men say of her , they mean , No more than that on which they lean . Some with Arabian Spices strive To embalm her cruelly alive ; Or season her , as French Cooks use , Their Haut-gusts , Buollies , or Ragusts ; Use her so barbarously ill ▪ To grind her Lips upon a Mill , Until the Facet Doublet doth Fit their Rhimes rather than her mouth ; Her mouth compar'd t' an Oyster's , with A row of Pearl in 't , stead of Teeth ; Others , make Posies of her Cheeks , Where red , and whitest colors mix ; In which the Lilly , and the Rose For Indian Lake , and Ceruse goes . The Sun and Moon , by her bright eyes , Eclisp'd , and darkn'd in the skies ; Are but Black-patches that she wears Cut into Suns , and Moons and Stars , By which Astrologers , as well As those in Heav'n above can tell What strange Events they do foreshow Unto her Under-world below . Her Voice the Musick of the Spheres , So loud it deafens mortal ears ; As wise Philosophers have thought , And that 's the cause we hear it not . This has been done by some , who those Th' ador'd in Rhime , would kick in Prose ; And in those Ribbins would have hung , Of which melodiously they sung . That have the hard fate , to write best Of those still that deserve it least ; It matters not , how false , or forc't , So the best things be said o' th' worst ; It goes for nothing when 't is sed , Onely the Arrow 's drawn to th' head , Whether it be Swan or Goose They level at : So Shepherds use To set the same mark on the hip Both of their sound and rotten Sheep . For Wits that carry low or wide , Must be aim'd higher , or beside , The mark which else they ne'er come nigh , But when they take their aim awry . But I do wonder you should chuse This way t' attaque me with your Muse , As one cut out to pass your tricks on , With Fulhams of Poetic fiction : I rather hop'd , I should no more Hear from you , o' th' Gallanting score : For hard dry-bastings use to prove The readiest Remedies of Love , Next a dry-diet ; But if those fail , Yet this uneasie Loop-hold Jail In which y' are hamper'd by the fet-lock , Cannot but put y' in mind of Wedlock : Wedlock , that 's worse than any hole here , If that may serve you for a Cooler ; T' allay your Mettle , all agog Upon a Wife , the heavi'r clog . Nor rather thank your gentle Fate , That , for a bruis'd or broken Pate , Has freed you from those knobs , that grow Much harder , on the Marry'd Brow : But if no dread can cool your Courage , From vent'ring on that Dragon , Marriage ; Yet give me Quarter , and advance To nobler aims , your Puissance : Level at Beauty , and at Wit , The fairest mark is easiest hit . Quoth Hudibras , I 'm before hand In that already , with your command : For where does Beauty , and high Wit , But in your Constellation , meet ? Quoth she , What does a match imply , But likeness and equality ? I know you cannot think me fit , To be th' Yoke-fellow of your Wit : Nor take one of so mean Deserts , To be the Partner of your Parts ; A Grace , which if I could believe , I 've not the conscience to receive . That Conscience , Quoth Hudibras , Is mis-inform'd ; I 'll state the Case . A man may be a Legal Donor Of any thing whereof he 's Owner ; And may confer it where he lists , I' th' Judgment of all Casuists : Then Wit , and Parts , and Valor may Be ali'nated , and made away , By those that are Proprietors ; As I may give or sell my Horse . Quoth she , I grant the Case is true , And proper 'twixt your Horse and you ; But whether I may take , as well As you may give away or sell ? Buyers you know are bid beware ; And worse than thieves Receivers are . How shall I answer Hue and Cry , For a Roan-Gelding , twelve hands high : All spur'd and switch'd , a Lock on 's hoof , A sorrel-mane ? can I bring proof , Where , when , by whom , and what y' are sold for , And in the open Market toll'd for ? Or should I take you for a stray , You must be kept a year and day ( Ere I can own you ) here i' th' pound , Where , if y' are sought , you may be found : And in the mean time I must pay For all your Provender and Hay . Quoth he , It stands me much upon T' enervate this Objection , And prove my self , by Topic clear , No Gelding , as you would infer . Loss of Virilities averr'd To be the cause of loss of Beard , That does ( like Embryo in the womb ) Abortive on the Chin become , This first a Woman did invent , In envy of Mans ornament . Semiramis of Babylon , Who first of all cut men o' th' stone : To mar their Beards , and laid foundation Of Sow-geldering operation . Look on this Beard , and tell me whether , Eunuchs were such , or Geldings either . Next it appears , I am no Horse , That I can argue , and discourse , Have but two legs , and ne'er a tail . Quoth she , that nothing will avail ; For some Philosophers of late here , Write , Men have four legs by Nature , And that 't is Custom makes them go Erroneously upon but two ; As 't was in Germany made good , B' a Boy , that lost himself in a Wood ; And growing down t' a man , was wont With Wolves upon all sour to hunt . As for your reasons drawn from tayls , We cannot say , they ' are true or false , Till you explain your self , and show , B' experiment , 't is so or no. Quoth he , If you 'll joyn issue on 't , I 'll give you satisfactory account ; So you will promise , if you lose , To settle all , and be my Spouse . That never would be done ( quoth she ) To one that wants a Tayl , by me : For Tayls by Natures sure were meant , As well as Beards , for ornament : And though the Vulgar count them homely , In man or beast , they are so comely , So Genteel , Allamode , and handsom , I 'll never marry man that wants one : And till you can demonstrate plain You have one equal to your Mane , I 'll be torn piece-meal by a Horse , Ere I 'll take you for better or worse . The Prince of Cambay's daily food , Is Aspe , Basilisque , and Toad , Which makes him have so strong a breath . Each night he stinks a Queen to death ; Yet I shall rather lie in 's Arms , Than yours , on any other bearms . Quoth he , What Nature can afford , I shall produce upon my word ; And if she ever gave that boon To man , I 'll prove that I have one ; I mean , by postulate Illation , When you shall offer just occasion ; But since y' have yet deny'd to give My Heart , your Pris'ner , a Reprieve , But made it sink down to my heel , Let that at least your pity feel , And for the sufferings of your Martyr , Give its poor Entertainer quarter ; And by Discharge , or Main-prise grant Delivery from this base Restraint . Quoth she , I grieve to see your Leg Stuck in a hole here like a Peg , And if I knew which way to do 't , ( Your Honour safe ) I 'd let you out . That Dames by Jail-delivery Of Errant Knights have been set free , When by Enchantment they have been , And sometimes for it too , laid in ; Is that which Knights are bound to do By Order , Oath , and Honour too : For what are they renownd and famous else , But aiding of distress'd Damosels ? But for a Lady no ways Errant , To free a Knight , we have no warrant In any authentical Romance , Or Classic Author yet of France : And I 'd be loath to have you break An ancient Custom for a freak , Or Innovation introduce In place of things of antique use ; To free your heels by any course , That might b' unwholesome to your Spurs : Which if I should consent unto , It is not in my power to do ; For 't is a service must be done ye , With solemn previous Cerermony . Which always has been us'd t' untie The Charms of those who here do lie ; For as the Ancients heretofore To Honor's Temple had no dore , But that which thorough Virtue 's lay ; So , from this Dungeon , there 's no way To honour'd freedom , but by passing That other Virtuous School of Lashing , Where Knights are kept in narrow lists , With wooden Lockets 'bout their wrists , In which they for a while are Tenants , And for their Ladies suffer Penance : W●●●p●●ng , that 's Virtues Governess , Tut●●●● of Arts , and Sciences ; That mends the gross mistakes of Nature , And puts new life into dull matter ; That lays foundation for Renown , And all the honors of the Gown Thus suffer'd , they are set at large , And freed with honour'ble discharge ; Then in their Robes the Penitentials , Are straight presented with Credentials , And in their way attended on By Magistrates of every Town ; And all respect and charges paid , They 're to their ancient Seats convey'd . Now if you 'll venture for my sake , To try the toughness of your back , And suffer ( as the rest have done ) The laying of a Whipping on , ( And may you prosper in your suit , As you with equal vigor do 't ) I here engage to be your Bail , And free you from th' Unknightly Jail . But since our Sex's modesty Will not allow I should be by , Bring me on Oath , a fair account , And honor too , when you have don 't ; And I 'll admit you to the place , You claim as due as in my good grace . If Matrimony and Hanging go By Dest'ny , why not Whipping too ? What Med'cine else can cure the fits Of Lovers when they lose their Wits ? Love is a Boy , by Poets styl'd , Then spare the Rod , and spill the Child , A Persian Emp'ror whipp'd his Grannum The Sea , his Mother Venus came on ; And hence some Rev'rend men approve Of Rosemary in making Love . As skilful Coopers hoop their Tubs With Lydian and with Phrygian Dubs ; Why may not Whipping have as good A grace , perform'd in Time and Mood ; With comely movement , and by Art , Raise Passion in a Lady's heart ; It is an easier way , to make Love by , than that which many take . Who would not rather suffer Whipping , Than swallow Toasts of bits of Ribbin ? Make wicked Verses , Treats , and Faces , And spell Names over , with Beer-glasses ? Be under Vows to hang and die Loves Sacrifice , and all a lie ? With China-Oranges and Tarts , And whining Plays , lay baits for Hearts ? Bride Chamber-maids with love and money To break no Roguish jeasts upon ye ; For Lillies limn'd on Cheeks , and Roses , With painted perfumes , hazard Noses ? Or vent'ring to be brisk and wanton , Do Penance in a Paper Lanthorn ? All this you may compound for , now By suff'ring what I offer you : Which is no more than has been done , By Knights for Ladies long agone : Did not the Great La Mancha do so , For the Infanta del Taboso ? Did not th' Illustrious Bassa make Himself a Slave for Misse's sake ? And with Bulls Pizle , for her love , Was taw'd as gentle as a Glove ? Was not young Florio sent ( to cool His flame from Biancasiore ) to School , Where Pedant made his Pathick Bum For her sake suffer Martyrdom ? Did not a certain Lady whip , Of late her , Husband 's own Lordship ? And though a Grandee of the House , ●lawd him with Fundamental blows , Ty'd him start-naked to a Bed-post , And firk'd his hide as if sh' had rid post ; And after in the Sessions-Court , Where Whipping's judg'd , had honor for 't ? This swear you will perform , and then I 'll set you from th' Inchanted Den , And the Magician Circle clear . Quoth he , I do profess and swear , And will perform what you enjoyn , Or may I never see you mine . Amen ( quoth she ) Then turn'd about , And bid her Squire let him out . But ere an Artist could be found T' undo the Charms another bound , The Sun grew low , and left the Skies , Put down ( some write ) by Ladies eyes . The Moon pull'd off her veil of Light , That hides her face by day from sight . ( Mysterious Veil , of brightness made , That 's both her lustre , and her shade ) And in the Night as freely shon , As if her Rays had been her own : For Darkness is the proper Sphere , Where all false Glories use t' appear . The twinkling Stars began to muster , And glitter with their borrow'd luster , While Sleep the weary'd World reliev'd , By counterfeiting Death reviv'd . Our Vot'ry thought it best t' adjourn His Whipping-pennance till the morn , And not to carry on a Work Of such importance , in the Dark , With erring haste , but rather stay , And do 't i' th' open face of Day ; And in the mean time , go in quest Of next Retreat to take his Rest .

CANTO II. THE ARGUMENT . The Knight and Squire in hot Dispute , Within an Ace of falling out ; Are parted with a sudden fright Of strange Alarm , and stranger Sight ; With which adventuring to stickle , They 're sent away in nasty pickle . T Is strange how some men's Tempers suit ( Like Bawd and Brandee ) with Dispute , That for their own Opinions stand fast , Only to have them claw'd and canvast . That kept their Consciences in Cases , As Fidlers do their Crowds and Bases , Ne'er to be us'd but when they 're bent To play a fit for Argument . Make true and false , unjust and just , Of no use but to be discust . Dispute and set a Paradox , Like a strait Boot upon the Stocks , And stretch it more unmercifully , Than Helmont , Mountaign , White , or Tully . So th' antient Stoicks in their Porch , With sierce dispute maintain'd their Church , Beat out their Brains in sight and study , To prove that Vertue is a Body , That Bonum is an Animal , Made good with stout Polemique Braul : In which , some hundreds on the place Were slain outright , and many a face Retrench'd of Nose , and Eyes , and Beard , To maintain what their Sect averr'd . All which the Knight and Squire in wrath Had like t' have suffer'd for their faith ; Each striving to make good his own , As by the sequel shall be shown . The Sun had long since in the Lap Of Thetis , taken out his Nap , And like a Lobster boyl'd , the Morn From black to red began to turn . When Hudibras , whom thoughts and aking Twixt sleeping kept all night , and waking , Began to rouse his drousie eyes , And from his Couch prepar'd to rise ; Resolving to dispatch the Deed He vow'd to do , with trusty speed . But first , with knocking loud and bauling , He rous'd the Squire , in Truckle lolling , And , after many Circumstances , Which vulgar Authors in Romances , Do use to spend their time and wits on , To make impertinent Description ; They got ( with much ado ) to Horse And to the Castle bent their Course , In which he to the Dame before To suffer whipping Duty swore : Where now arriv'd , and half unharnest , To carry on the work in earnest , He stopp'd and paus'd upon the sudden , And with a serious forehead plodding , Sprung a new Scruple in his head , Which first he scratch'd and after sed ; Whether it be direct infringing An Oath , if I should wave this swinging , And what I 've sworn to bear , forbear , And so b' Equivocation swear ; Or whether 't be a lesser Sin , To be forsworn , than act the thing , Are deep and subtle points , which must , T' inform my Conscience , be discust , In which to err a little , may To errors infinite make way : And therefore I desire to know Thy Judgment , ere we farther go . Quoth Ralpho , since you do enjoyn't I shall enlarge upon the Point ; And for my own part do not doubt Th' Affirmative may be made out . But first to state the Case aright , For best advantage of our light : And thus 't is : Whether't be a Sin , To claw and curry your own skin Greater , or less , than to forbear , And that you are forsworn , forswear . But first , o' th' first : The Inward man , And Outward , like a Clan and Clan , Have always been at Daggers-drawing , And one another Clapper-clawing : Not that they really cuff or fence , But in a Spiritual Mystique sence , Which to mistake , and make 'em squabble , In literal fray , 's abhominable ; 'T is Heathenish , in frequent use , With Pagans , and Apostate Jews , To offer Sacrifice of Bridewels : Like modern Indians to their Idols , And mungrel Christians of our times , That expiate less with greater Crimes , And call the foul Abhomination , Contrition , and Mortification . Is 't not enough w 're bruis'd and kicked , With sinful members of the wicked ; Our Vessels , that are sanctifi'd , Profan'd and curri'd , back and side ; But we must claw our selves , with shameful , And Heathen stripes , by their example ? Which ( were there nothing to forbid it ) Is impious because they did it . This therefore may be justly reckon'd A henious sin . Now to the second , That Saints may claim a Dispensation To swear and forswear on occasion ; I doubt not , but it will appear , With pregnant light . The point is clear . Oaths are but words , and words but wind , Too feeble implements to bind ; And hold with deeds proportion , so As shadows to a substance do . Then when they strive for place , 't is fit The weaker Vessel should submit : Although your Church be opposite To ours , as Black Friers are to White , In Rule and Order : Yet I grant You are a Reformado Saint ; And what the Saints do claim as due , You may pretend a Title to : But Saints , whom Oaths or Vows oblige , Know little of their Priviledge ; Farther ( I mean ) than carrying on Some self-advantage of their own , For if the Dev'l , to serve his turn , Can tell Truth ; why the Saints should scorn When it serves theirs , to swear and lie , I think , there 's little reason why : Else h' has a greater pow'r than they , Which 't were impiety to say . W' are not commanded to forbear , Indefinitely , at all to swear . But to swear idly ; and in vain , Without self-interest or gain . For breaking of an Oath , and Lying , Is but a kind of Self-denying , A Saint-like vertue , and from hence , Some have broke Oaths by Providence : Some , to the Glory of the Lord , Perjur'd themselves , and broke their word : And this , the constant Rule and Practise Of all our late Apostles Acts is , Was not the Cause at first begun With Perjury , and carry'd on ? Was there an Oath the Godly took , But , in due time and place , they broke ? Did we not bring our Oaths in first , Before our plate , to have them burst , And cast in fitter Models , for The present use of Church and War ? Did not our Worthies of the House , Before they broke the Peace , break Vows ? For having freed us , first , from both Th' Allegiance and Supremacy Oath ; Did they not , next , compell the Nation , To ●ake , and break the Protestation ? To swear , and after to recant , The Solemn League and Covenant ? To take th' Engagement , and disclaim it , Enforc'd by those , who first did frame it ? Did they not swear at first , to fight For the KING's Safety , and his Right ? And after march'd to find him out , And charg'd him home with Horse and Foot ? And yet still had the confidence , To swear it was in his defence ? Did they not swear to live and die With Essex , and streight laid him by ? If that were all , for some have swore As false as they , if th' did no more . Did they not swear to maintain Law , In which that swearing made a Flaw ? For Protestant Religion Vow , That did that Vowing disallow ? For Priviledge of Parliament , In which that swearing made a Rent ? And , since , of all the three , not one Is left in being , 't is well known . Did they not swear , in express words , To prop and back the House of Lords ? And after turn'd out the whole House-ful Of Peers , as dang'rous , and unuseful ? So Cromwel with deep Oaths and Vows , Swore all the Commons out o' th' House , Vow'd that the Red-coats would disband , I marry would they at their Command . And troul'd 'em on , and swore , and swore , Till th' Army turn'd 'em out of Door ; This tells us plainly , what they thought , That Oaths and swearing goes for nought . And that by them th' were only meant , To serve for an Expedient . What was the Publick Faith found out for , But to slur men of what they fought for ? The Publick Faith , which ev'ry one Is bound t' observe , yet kept by none ; And if that go for nothing , why Should Private Faith have such a tye ? Oaths were not purpos'd more than Law , To keep the Good and Just in aw , But to confine the Bad and Sinful , Like Moral Cattle in a Pinfold , A Saint's of th' heavenly Realm a Peer : And as no Peer is bound to swear , But on the Gospel of his Honor , Of which he may dispose , as Owner ; It follows , though the thing be forgery , And false , th' affirm , it is no perjury , But a mere Ceremony , and a breach Of nothing , but a form of speech , And goes for no more when 't is took , Than mere saluting of the Book . Suppose the Scriptures are of force , They 're but Commissions of Course , And Saints have freedom to digress , And vary from 'em as they please ; Or misinterpret them , by private Instructions , to all Aims they drive at ; Then why should we our selves abridge And Curtail our own Priviledge ? Quakers ( that like to Lanthorns , bear Their light within 'em ) will not swear . Their Gospel is an Accidence , By which they construe Conscience , And hold no sin so deeply red , As that of breaking Priscian's head ; ( The Head and Founder of their Order , That stirring Hats held worse than murder . ) These thinking th' are obliged to Troth In swearing , will not take an Oath ; Like Mules , who if th' have not their will To keep their own pace , stand stock still ; But they are weak , and little know What Free-born Consciences may do , 'T is the temptation of the Devil , That makes all humane actions evil : For Saints may do the same things by The Spirit , in Syncerity , Which other men are tempted to , And at the Devils instance do ; And yet the Actions be contrary , Just as the Saints and Wicked vary . For as on land there is no Beast , But in some Fish at Sea 's exprest ; So in the Wicked there 's no Vice , Of which the Saints have not a spice ; And yet that thing that 's pious in The one , in th' other is a Sin . Is 't not Ridiculous , and Nonsence , A Saint should be a slave to Conscience ? That ought to be above such Fancies , As far , as above Ordinances . She 's of the Wicked , as I guess , B' her lo●ks , her language , and her dress , And though , like Constables , we search For false Wares , one anothers Church : Yet all of us hold this for true , No Faith is to the wicked due ; For Truth is Precious and Divine , Too rich a Pearl for Carnal Swine . Quoth Hudibras , All this is true , Yet 't is not fit that all men knew Those Mysteries and Revelations ; And therefore Topical Evasions Of subtle Turns , and Shifts of sence , Serve best with th' Wicked for pretence , Such as the learned Jesuits use , And Presbyterians , for excuse , Against the Protestants , when th' happen To find their Churches taken napping . As thus : A breach of Oath is Duple , And either way admits a scruple , And may be ex parte of the Maker , More criminal , than the injur'd Taker . For he that strains too far a Vow , Will break it like an o'er-bent Bow : And he that made , and forc'd it , broke it , Not he that for convenience took it : A broken Oath is , quatenus Oath , As sound t' all purposes of Troth , As broken Laws are ne'er the worse , Nay till th' are broken , have no force , What 's Justice to a man , or Laws , That never comes within their Claws ? They have no pow'r , but to admonish , Cannot controul , coerce , or punish , Until they 're broken , and then touch Those only that do make them such . Beside , no Engagement is allow'd , By men in Prison made , for Good ; For when they 're set at liberty , They 're from th' Engagement too , set free : The Rabbins write , when any Jew Did make to God , or Man , a Vow , Which afterward he found untoward , And stubborn to be kept , or too hard ; Any three other Jews o' th' Nation , Might free him from the Obligation : And have not two Saints pow'r to use A greater priviledge than three Jews ? The Court of Conscience , which in Man Should be supream and Soveraign , Is 't fit , should be subordinate To ev'ry petty Court i' th' State , And have less Power than the lesser , To deal with Perjury at pleasure ? Have it's proceedings disallow'd , or Allow'd , at fancy of Py-powder ? Tell all it does , or does not know , For swearing ex Officio ? Be forc'd t' impeach a broken hedge , And Pigs unring'd at Vis . Franc. Pledge . Discover Thieves , and Bawds , Recusants , Priests , Witches , Eves-droppers , and Nusance ; Tell who did play at Games unlawful , And who fill'd Pots of Ale but half full . And have no pow'r at all , nor shift , To help it self at a dead lift ? Why should not Conscience have Vacation , As well as other Courts o' th' Nation ? Have equal power to adjourn Appoint Appearance and Retorn ? And make as nice distinctions serve To split a Case ; as those that carve Invoking Cuckolds names , hit joynts , Why should not tricks as slight , do points ? Is not the High-Court of Justice sworn To judge that Law that serves their turn ? Make their own Jealousies High-Treason , And fix 'em whomsoe'er they please on ? Cannot the Learned Councel there , Make Laws in any shape appear ? Mould 'em as Witches do their Clay , When they make Pictures to destroy ? And vex 'em into any form , That fits their purpose to do harm ? Rack 'em until they do confess , Impeach of Treason , whom they please , And most perfidiously condemn , Those that engag'd their Lives for them ? And yet do nothing in their own sence , But what they ought by Oath and Conscience ! Can they not juggle , and , with slight Conveyance , play with wrong and right ; And sell their blasts of wind as dear , As Lapland Witches botl'd Air ? Will not Fear , Favor , Bribe , and Grutch , The same Case sev'ral ways adjudge ; As Seamen with the self-same Gale Will sev'ral different courses sail ; As when the Sea breaks o'er its bounds , And overflows the level grounds ; Those Banks and Dams , that like a Screen , Did keep it out , now keep it in : So when Tyrannical Vsurpation Invades the freedom of a Nation , The Laws o' th' Land that were intended To keep it out , are made defend it . Do's not in Chanc'ry ev'ry man swear , What makes best for him in his Answer ? Is not the winding up Witnesses , And nicking more than half the bus'ness ? For Witnesses , like Watches , go Just as they 're set , too fast or slow . And where in Conscience , th' are strait lac'd ; T is ten to one , that side is cast . Do not your Juries give their Verdict As if they felt the Cause , not heard it ? And as they please make Matter of Fact Run all on one side , as th' are packt ? Nature has made Mans breast no Windores , To publish what he does within doors ? Nor what dark secrets there inhabit , Unless his own rash folly blob it . If Oaths can do a man no good , In his own bus'ness , why they shou'd In other matters do him hurt , I think there 's little reason for 't . He that imposes an Oath , makes it , Not he , that for convenience takes it : Then how can any man be said To break an Oath he never made ? These Reasons may perhaps look odly To th' Wicked , though they evince the Godly ; But if they will not serve to clear My Honor , I am ne'er the near . Honor is like that glassy Bubble That finds Philosophers such trouble , Whose least part crackt , the whole does fly , And Wits are crack'd , to find out why . Quoth Ralpho , Honor 's but a Word , To swear by only , in a Lord : In other men 't is but a Huff , To vapour with , instead of Proof , That like a Wen , looks big , and swels , Is sensless , and just nothing else . Let it ( quoth he ) be what it will , It has the World's opinion still , But as men are not Wise that run The slightest hazard they may shun : There may a Medium be found out To clear to all the World the doubt ; And that is , if a man may do 't By Proxy whipt , or Substitute . Though nice , and dark the Point appear , ( Quoth Ralph ) it may hold up and clear . That Sinners may supply the place Of suff'ring Saints is a plain Case . Justice gives Sentence , many times , On one man for another's Crimes : Our Brethren of New-England use Choice Malefactors to excuse , And hang the Guiltless in their stead , Of whom the Churches have less need . As lately't happen'd : in a Town , There liv'd a Cobler , and but one , That out of Doctrine could cut Vse , And mend mens Lives as well as Shooes : This precious Brother having slain , In times of Peace , an Indian ; ( Not out of Malice , but mere Zeal , Because he was an Infidel ) The mighty Tottipottymoy Sent to our Elders an Envoy , Complaining sorely of the Breach , Of League , held forth by Brother Patch , Against the Articles in force Between both Churches , his , and ours : For which he crav'd the Saints to render Into his hands , or hang th' Offender : But they maturely having weigh'd , They had no more but him o' th' Trade , ( A man , that serv'd them in a double Capacity , to Teach and Cobble ) Resolv'd to spare him , yet to do The Indian Hoghan Moghan too Impartial justice , in his stead did Hang an old Weaver that was Bed-rid . Then wherefore may not you be skip'd , And in your room another whip'd : For all Philosophers , but the Sceptick , Hold Whipping may be Sympathetick . It is enough , quoth Hudibras , Thou hast resolv'd , and clear'd the Case , And canst in Conscience , not refuse , From thy own Doctrine , to raise Vse : I know thou wilt not ( for my sake ) Be tender-Conscienc'd of thy back : Then strip thee of thy Carnal Jerkin , And give thy outward-fellow a ferking : For when thy Vessel , is new hoop'd , All Leaks of sinning will be stop'd . Quoth Ralpho , You mistake the matter , For in all Scruples of this Nature , No man includes himself , nor turns The Point upon his own Concerns . As no man of his own self catches The Itch , or amorous French Aches : So no man does himself convince By his own Doctrine of his Sins . And though all cry down Self , none means His own self in a literal Sence . Beside , it is not only Foppish , But Vile , Idolatrous , and Popish , For one man , out of his own Skin , To frisk and whip another's Sin : As Pedants out of School-boys breeches , Do claw and curry their own itches . But in this Case it is profane , And sinful too , because in vain : For we must take our Oaths upon it , You did the deed , when I have done it . Quoth Hudibras , That 's answer'd soon ; Give us the Whip , we 'll lay it on . Quoth Ralpho , That we may swear true , 'T were properer that I whip'd you : For when with your consent 't is done , The Act is really your own . Quoth Hudibras , It is in vain ( I see ) to argue 'gainst the grain ; Or , like the Stars , incline men to What they 're averse themselves to do , For when Disputes are weari'd out , T is Interest still resolves the doubt . But since no reason can confute ye , I 'll try to force you to your Duty ; For so it is , how e'er you mince it , As ere we part I shall evince it , And curry ( if you stand out ) whether You will or no , your stubborn Leather . Canst thou refuse to bear thy part , I' th' publick Work , base as thou art ? To higgle thus , for a few blows , To gain thy Knight an opulent Spouse , Whose wealth his bowels yern to purchase , Merely for th' interest of the Churches ; And when he has it in his claws , Will not be hide-bound to the Cause ; Nor shalt thou find him a Curmudg in , If thou dispatch it without grudging : If not , resolve before we go , That you and I must pull a Crow . Y' had best ( quoth Ralpho ) as the Antients Say wisely , Have a care ' o th' main chance , And look before you ere you leap ; For , as you sow , you are like to reap . And were y' as good as George a ●reen , I shall make bold to turn agen ; Nor am I doubtful of the Issue In a just Quarrel ; and mine is so . Is 't sitting for a man of Honor , To whip the Saints like Bishop Bonner , A Knight t' usurp the Beadles Office , For which y' are like to raise brave Trophies ? But I advise you ( not for fear , But for your own sake ) to forbear , And for the Churches , which may chance From hence , to spring a variance ; And raise among themselves new Scruples , Whom common danger hardly couples . Remember how in Arms and Politicks , We still have worsted all your holy Tricks . Trappan'd your party with Intregue , And took your Grandees down a peg , New-modell'd th' Army , and cashier'd All that to Legion SMEC adher'd , Made a mere Utensil o' your Church And after left it in the lurch , A Scaffold to build up our own , And when w' done with 't , pull'd it down , O'er reach'd your Rabbins of the Synod , And snap'd their Cannons with a Why-not . ( Grave Synod-men that were rever'd For sollid Face and depth of Beard ) Their Classique-model prov'd a Maggot , Their Directory and Indian Pagod . And drown'd their Discipline like a Kitten , On which th' had been so long a fitting ; Decry'd it as a Holy Cheat , Grown out of Date , and Obsolete , And all the Saints o' the first Grass , As casting Foles of Balams Ass . At this the Knight grew high in Chafe , And staring furiously on Ralph , He trembl'd and lookt pale with ire , Like Ashes first , then Red as Fire . Have I ( quoth he ) been ta'en in fight , And for so many Moons lay'n by 't ; And when all other means did fail , Have been exchang'd for Tubs of Ale : Not but they thought me worth a Ransom , Much more considerable and handsom , But for their own sakes , and for fear , They were not safe , when I was there ? Now to be baffl'd by a Scoundrel , An upstart Sect'ry and a Mungrel , Such as breed out of peccant humors Of our own Church , like Wens , and Tumors And like a Maggot in a Sore , Would that which gave it life , devour : It never shall be done , nor said : With that he seiz'd upon his Blade . And Ralpho too , as quick and bold , Upon his Basket hilt laid hold , With equal readiness prepar'd To draw , and stand upon his Guard , When both were parted on the sudden , With hideous clamour , and a loud one , As of all sorts of Noise had been Contracted into one loud Din ; Or that some Member to be chosen , Had got the Odds above a Thousand ; And by the greatness of his noise , Prov'd fittest for his Countreys choice . This strange surprisal put the Knight , And wrathful Squire into a fright ; And though they stood prepar'd , with fatal , Impetious rancour , to joyn Battle ; Both though it was their wisest course , To wave the Fight , and mount to Horse ; And to secure , by swift retreating , Themselves from danger of worse beating . Yet neither of them would disparage , By utt'ring of his mind , his Courage , Which made 'em stoutly keep their ground With horror and disdain , wind-bound . And now the cause of all their fear , By slow degrees approach'd so near , They might distinguish diff'rent noise Of Horns , and Pans , and Dogs , and Boys , And Kettle Drums , whose sullen Dub Sounds like the hooping of a Tub : But when the Sight appear'd in view , They found it was an antique Show , A Triumph , that for Pomp , aud State , Did proudest Romans emulate ; For as the Aldermen of Rome For foes at training overcome , And not enlarging Territory , ( As some mistaken write in Story ) Being mounted in their best Aray , Upon a Carre , and who but they ? And follow'd with a a world of Tall Lads , That merry Ditties trol'd , and Ballads ; Did ride , with many a good morrow , Crying , hey for our Town through the Burrough : So when this Triumph drew so nigh , They might particulars descry , They never saw two things so Pat , In all respects , as this , and that . First he that led the Cavalcate , Wore a Sowgelders Flagellate , On which he blew so strong a Levet , As well fee'd Lawyer on his Breviate . When over one another's heads , They charge ( three Ranks at once ) like Swedes Next Pans , and Kettles of all keys , From Trebles down to double-base , And , after them upon a Nag , That might pass for a forehand Stag , A Cornet rode , and on his Staff , A Smock display'd , did proudly wave , Then Bagpipes of the loudest Drones , With snuffing broken-winded tones ; Whose blasts of Air in Pockets shut , Sound filthier than from the Gut , And make a viler noise than Swine In windy-weather , when they whine . Next , one upon a pair of Panniers , Full fraught with that , which for good manners Shall here be nameless , mixt with Grains Which he dispenc'd among the Swains , And busily upon the Crowd , At random round about bestow'd . Then mounted on a horned Horse , One bore a Gauntlet and Gilt-spurs . Ty'd to the Pummel of a long Swor He held reverst the point turn'd downward . Next after , on a raw-bon'd Steed , The Conqueror's Standard-bearer rid , And bore aloft before the Champion A Petticoat display'd , and Rampant ; Near whom the Amazon triumphant , Bestrid her Beast , and on the Rump on 't Sate face to Tayl , and Bum to Bum , The Warrier whilome overcome ; Arm'd with a Spindle and a Distaff , Which as he rode , she made him twist off ; And when he loiter'd , o'er her Shoulder , Chastiz'd the Reformado Souldier . Before the Dame , and round about , March'd Whiflers , and Staffiers on foot , With Lacquies , Grooms , Valets and Pages , In fit and proper equipages ; Of whom , some Torches bore , some Links , Before the proud Virago-Minx , That was both Madam , and a Don , Like Nero's Sporus , or Pope Joan ; And at fit Periods the whole Rout Set up their throats with clam'rous shout . The Knight transported , and the Squire Put up their Weapons , and their Ire ; And Hudibras , who us'd to ponder On such Sights , with judicious wonder , Could hold no longer to impart His Animadversions , for his Heart . Quoth he , In all my life till now , I ne'er saw so prophane a Show . It is a Paganish invention , Which Heathen writers often mention : And he , who made it , had read Goodwin ( I warrant him ) and understood him : With all the Grecians Speeds and Stows : That best describe those Antient Shows , And has observ'd all fit Decorums , We find describ'd by old Historians . For as a Roman Conqueror , That put an end to forraign War , Ent'ring the Town in Triumph for it , Bore a Slave with him , in his Chariot : So this insulting Female Brave Carries behind her here , a Slave , And as the Ancients long ago , When they in field defy'd the foe , Hung out their Mantles della Guer ; So her proud Standard-bearer here , Waves , on his Spear , in dreadful manner , A Tyrian-Petticoat for a Banner : Next Links , and Torches , heretofore Still born before the Emperor : And as in Antique Triumphs , Eggs Were born for mystical intregues ; There 's one in Truncheon , like a Ladle , That carries Eggs too , fresh or adle ; And still at random , as he goes , Among the Rabble-rout bestows . Quoth Ralpho , You mistake the matter ; For , all th' Antiquity you smatter , Is but a Riding , us'd of course , When the Grey Mares the better Horse . When o'er the Breeches greedy Women Fight , to extend their vast Dominion , And in the cause impatient Grizel Has drubb'd her Husband with Bulls-Pizle , And brought him under Covert-Baron , To turn her Vassail with a Murrain ; When Wives their Sexes shift , like Hares And ride their Husbands , like Night-Mares , And they in mortal Battle vanquish'd , Are of their Charter dis-enfranchis'd , And by the right of War , like Gils , Condemn , to Distaff , Horns , and Wheels ; For when men by their Wives are Cow'd , Their Horns of course are understood , Quoth Hudibras , Thou still giv'st sentence ●mpertinently , and against sence . T is not the least disparagement , To be defeated by th' event : Not to be beaten by main force , That does not make a man the worse , Although his shoulders , with Batoon , Be claw'd and cudgell'd to some tune ; A Taylors Prentice has no hard Measure , that 's bang'd with a true yard : But to turn Tail , or run away , And without blows give up the Day ; Or to surrender ere the Assault , That 's no man's fortune , but his fault : And renders men of Honor less Than all th' Adversity of Success , And only unto such this Shew Of Horns , and Petticoats , is due . There is a lesser Profanation , Like that the Romans call'd Ovation . For as Ovation was allow'd For Conquest , purchas'd without blood , So men decree those lesser Shows , For Vict'ry gotten without blows . By dint of sharp hard words , which some Give Battle with , and overcome ; These mounted in a Chair Curule , Which Moderns call a Cucking-stool , March proudly to the River's side , And o'er the Waves in Triumph ride . Like Dukes of Venice , who are sed The Adriatique Sea to wed , And have a gentler Wife , than those , For whom the State decrees those Shows . But both are Heathenish and come From th' Whores of Babylon and Rome , And by the Saints should be withstood , As Antichristian and Lewd , And we , as such , should now contribute Our utmost struglings to prohibite . This said , they both advanc'd , and rod , A Dog-trot through the bawling Crowd , T' attack the Leader , and still prest , Till they approach'd him breast to breast . Then Hudibras , with face and hand , Made signs for Silence , which obtain'd : What means ( quoth he ) this dev'ls Procession With men of Orthodox profession ? 'T is Ethnique and Idolatrous , From Heathenism deriv'd to us . Does not the Whore of Babylon ride Upon her Horned Beast astride , Like this proud Dame , who either is A Type of her , or she of this ? Are things of Superstitious function , Fit to be us'd in Gospel Sunshine ? It is an Antichristian Opera , Much us'd in midnight times of Popery ; A running after self-inventions Of wicked and profane Intentions ; To scandalize that Sex , for scolding , To whom the Saints are so beholding , Women , who were our first Apostles , Without whose aid w' had all been lost else ; Women , that left no stone unturn'd , In which the Cause might be concern'd : Brought in their Childrens Spoons and Whistles , To purchase Swords , Carbines , and Pistols : Their Husbands , Cullies , and Sweet-hearts , To take the Saints and Churches parts ; Drew several gifted Brethren in , That for the Bishops would have been , And fix'd them constant to the Party , With motives pow'rful and hearty : Their Husbands rob'd , and made hard shifts T' administer unto their Guifts ; All they could rap , and run and pilfer , To scraps , and ends of Gold and Silver ; Rub'd down the Teachers , tir'd and spent , With holding forth for Parliament ; Pamper'd and edify'd their Zeal With Marrow-puddings many a Meal ; Enabled them , with store of meat , On controverted Points to eat ; And cram'd them till their guts did ake , With Cawdle , Custard , and Plum-cake . What have they done , or what left undone , That might advance the Cause at London ? March'd rank and file , with Drum and Ensign , T' entrench the City , for defence , in ; Rais'd Rampiers with their own soft hands , To put the Enemy to stands ; From Ladies down to Oyster-Wenches , Labour'd like Pioneers in Trenches , Fell to their Pick-Axes and Tools , And help'd the men to dig like Moles ? Have not the Handmaids of the City , Chosen o' their Members a Committee ? For raising of a Common-Purse , Out of their Wages , to raise Horse ? And do they not as Triers sit , To judge what Officers are fit ? Have they — ? At that at an Egg , let fly , Hit him directly o'er the eye , And running down his Cheek , besmear'd , With Orange-tawny-slime , his Beard : But Beard , and slime being of one Hue , The wound the less appear'd in view . Then he that on the Panniers rode , Let fly o' th' other side a load ; And quickly charg'd again , gave fully In Ralpho's face , another Volley . The Knight was startl'd with the smell , And for his Sword began to feel : And Ralpho smother'd with the stink , Grasp'd his : when one that bore a Link , O' th' sudden , clap'd his flaming Cudgel , Like Linstock , to the Horse's touch-hole ; And streight another with his Flambeaux , Gave Ralpho's , o'er the eyes , a damn'd blow . The Beasts began to kick , and fling , And forc'd the Rout to make a Ring . Through which they quickly broke their way , And brought them off from further fray ; And though disorder'd in Retreat , Each of them stoutly kept his seat : For quitting both their Swords and Rains , They grasp'd with all their strength the manes ; And to avoid the foes pursuit , With spurring put their Cattle to 't , And till all four were out of wind , And danger too , ne'r look't behind . After th' had paus'd a while , supplying Their spirits spent with fight and flying , And Hudibras recruited force , Of Lungs , for action or discourse : Quoth he , that man is sure to lose , That fouls his hands with durty foes : For where no honor 's to be gain'd , T is thrown away in being maintain'd , 'T was ill for us we had to do With so dishonorable a Foe : For though the Law of Arms does bar The use of venom'd shot in War , Yet by the nauseous smell , and noisom , Their Case-shot favours strong of poison ; And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth Of some that had a stinking breath : Else when we put it to the push , They had not giv'n us such a brush . But as those Pultroons that fling durt , Do but defile , but cannot hurt ; So all the Honor they have won , Or we have lost , is much at one . 'T was well we made so resolute A brave Retreat , without pursuit ; For if we had not , we had sped Much worse , to be in Triumph led ; Than which , the Ancients held no state , Of Man's life more unfortunate . But if this bold Adventure e'er Do chance to reach the Widows ear , It may , b'ing destin'd to assert Her Sex's Honor , reach her heart . And as such homely Treats ( they say ) Portend good Fortune , so this may . Vespasian being dawb'd with durt , Was destin'd to the Empire for 't : And from a Scavinger did come To be a mighty Prince in Rome : And why may not this foul Address Presage in Love the same success ? Then let us streight to cleanse our wounds , Advance in quest of nearest Ponds ; And after ( as we first design'd ) Swear I 've perform'd what she enjoin'd .

CANTO III. THE ARGUMENT . The Knight with various doubts possest To win the Lady , goes in Quest Of Sidrophel the Rosy-crucian , To know the Dest'nies Resolution ; With whom being met , they both chop Logick About the Science Astrologick . Till falling from Dispute , to Fight , The Conjurer's worsted by the Knight . DOubtless the pleasure is as great Of being cheated , as to cheat . As lookers-on feel most delight , That least perceive a Juglers slight ; And still the less they understand , The more th' admire his slight of hand . Some with a noise , and greasie light , Are snapt , as men catch Larks by night ; Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the Soul , As Noozes by the legs catch Foul. Some with a Med'cine , and Receipt , Are drawn to nibble at the Bait ; And though it be a two-foot Trout , 'T is with a single hair pull'd out . Others believe no Voice t' an Organ ; So sweet as Lawyer in his Bar-gown . Until , with subtle Cobweb-cheats , Th' are catch'd in knotted Law , like Nets : In which , when once they are imbrangled , The more they stir , the more th're tangled ; And while their Purses can dispute , There 's no end of th' immortal Suit . Others still gape t' anticipate The Cabinet designs of Fate , Apply to Wisards to fore-see What shall , and what shall never be : And as those Vulturs do foreboad , Believe Events prove bad , or good . A flam more sensless than the Roguery Of old Auruspicy and Augury . That out of Garbages of Cattle , Presag'd th' events of Truce , or Battle ; From flight of Birds , or Chickins pecking , Success of great'st attempts would reckon , Though Cheats , yet more intelligible , Than those that with the Stars do fribble . This Hudibras by proof found true , As in due time and place we 'll shew . For He , with Beard and Face made clean , Being mounted on his Steed agen , ( And Ralpho got a Cock-horse too Upon his Beast , with much ado ) Advanc'd on for the Widows house , T' acquit himself and pay his Vows ; When various thoughts began to bustle , And with his inward man to justle . He thought what danger might accrue , If she should find he swore untrue : Or , if his Squire , or he should fail , And not be punctual in their Tale ; It might at once the ruine prove Both of his Honor , Faith , and Love . But if he should forbear to go , She might conclude h 'had broke his Vow ; And that he durst not now for shame Appear in Court to try his Claim . This was the Pen'worth of his thought , To pass time , and uneasie trot . Quoth he , in all my past Adventures , I ne'er was set so on the Tenters , Or taken tardy with Dilemma , That , every way I turn , does hem me ; And with inextricable doubt , Besets my puzled Wits about : For though the Dame has been my Bail , To free me from enchanted Jail : Yet as a Dog committed close For some offence , by chance breaks loose , And quits his Clog ; but all in vain , He still draws after him his Chain . So though my Ankle she has quitted , My Heart continues still committed . And like a Bayl'd and Mainpriz'd Lover , Although at large , I am bound over . And when I shall appear in Court , To plead my Cause , and answer for 't Unless the Judge do partial prove , What will become of Me and Love ? For , if in our account we vary , Or but in Circumstance miscarry , Or if she put me to strict proof , And make me pull my Doublet off , To shew by evident Record , Writ on my skin , I 've kept my word : How can I e'er expect to have her , Having demurr'd unto her favour ? But Faith , and Love , and Honor lost , Shall be reduc'd t' a Knight o' th' Post : Beside , that Stripping may prevent What I'm to prove by Argument ; And justifie I have a Tail , And that way too , my proof may fail . Or that I could enucleate , And solve the Problems of my Fate ; Or find by Necromantick Art , How far the Dest'nies take my part ; For if I were not more than certain , To win , and wear her , and her Fortune , I 'd go no farther in this Courtship , To hazard Soul , Estate , and Worship . For though an Oath obliges not , Where any thing is to be got , ( As thou hast prov'd , ) yet 't is profane And sinful , when men swear in vain . Quoth Ralph , Not far from hence doth dwell A cunning man , hight Sidrophel , That deals in Destinies dark Counsels , And sage Opinions of the Moon sells ; To whom all People far and near , On deep importances repair . When Brass and Pewter hap to stray , And Linnen slinkt out of the way ; When Geese and Pullen are seduc'd , And Sows of sucking Pigs are chews'd ; When Cattle feel Indisposition , And need th' opinion of Physitian ; When Murrain reigns in Hogs , or Sheep , And Chickens languish of the Pip ; When Yeast , and outward means do fail , And have no pow'r to work on Ale ; When Butter does refuse to come , And Love proves cross and humorsome : To him with Questions , and with Vrine , They for discov'ry flock , or Curing . Quoth Hudibras , This Sidrophel I've heard of , and should like it well , If thou canst prove the Saints , have freedom , To go to Sorc'rers when they need 'em . Says Ralpho , There 's no doubt of that : Those Principles I quoted late , Prove that the Godly may alledge For any thing their Priviledge ; And to the Dev'l himself may go , If they have motives thereunto . For as there is a War between The Dev'l and them , it is no Sin , If they , by subtle Stratagem , Make use of him , as he does them . Has not this present Parliament A Legar to the Devil sent , Fully empower'd to Treat about Finding revolted Witches out : And has not he , within a year , Hang'd Threescore of them in one Shire ? Some only for not being drown'd , And some for sitting above ground , Whole days and Nights upon their breeches , And feeling pain , were hang'd for Witches . And some for putting Knavish tricks Upon Green-Geese , and Turkey Chicks , Or Pigs , that suddenly deceast , Of griefs unnat'ral , as he guest ; Who after prov'd himself a Witch , And made a Rod for his own breech . Did not the Dev'l appear to Martin Luther , in Germany , for certain ; And would have gull'd him with a Trick , But Mart. was too too Politick ? Did he not help the Dutch to purge , At Antwerp , their Cathedral Church ? Sing catches to the Saints at Mascon , And tell them all they came to ask him ? Appear in divers shapes to Kelly ? And speak i' th' Nun at Londons Belly ? Meet with the Parliament's Committee At Woodstock , on a Pars'nal Treaty ? At Sarum take a Cavalier I' th' Cause's service , Prisoner ? As Withers in immortal Rime Has register'd to after-time ? Do not our great Reformers use This Sidrophel to foreboad News ? To write of Victories next Year , And Castles taken yet i' th' Air ; Of Battels fought at Sea , and Ships Sunk , two Years hence , the last Eclips ? A Total O'erthrow giv'n the King In Cornwal , Horse , and Foot , next Spring ? And has not he point-blank foretold Whats'er the close Committee would ? Made Mars and Saturn for the Cause , The Moon for Fundamental Laws ? The Ram , and Bull , and Goat declare Against the Book of Common Pray'r ? The Scorpion take the Protestation , And Bear engage for Reformation ? Made all the Royal Stars recant , Compound , and take the Covenant . Quoth Hudibras , The case is clear , The Saints ma' imploy a Conjurer , As thou hast prov'd it by their practice , No Argument like matter of Fact is : And we are best of all led to Mens Principles by what they do . Then let us strait advance in quest Of this profound Gymnosophist : And as the Fates , and He advise , Pursue , or wave this Enterprise . This said , he turn'd about his Steed , And estsoons on th' adventure rid , Where , leave we Him and Ralph a while , And to the Conj'rer turn our stile : To let our Reader understand What 's useful of him , before hand , He had been long t'wards Mathematicks , Opticks , Philosophy , and Staticks , Magick , Horoscopy , Astrology , And was old Dog at Physiology ; But , as a Dog that turns the spit , Bestirs himself , and plies his feet , To climb the Wheel ; but all in vain , His own weight brings him down again : And still he 's in the self-same place , Where at his setting out he was . So in the Circle of the Arts , Did he advance his nat'ral Parts ; Till falling back still , for retreat , He fell to Juggle , Cant , and Cheat ; For as those Fowls that live in Water Are never wet , he did but smatter ; Whate'er he labour'd to appear , His Understanding still was clear . Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted , Since old Hodg Bacon , and Bod Grosted , Th' Intelligible World he knew , And all men , dream on 't , to be true : That in this World , there 's not a Wart , That has not there a Counterpart ; Nor can there on the face of Ground , An Individual Beard be found , That has not , in that foreign Nation , A Fellow of the self-same fashion ; So cut , so color'd , and so curl'd , As those are , in th' Inferior World , H 'had read Dee's Prefaces before The Dev'l , and Euclide o'er and o'er . And all th' Intrigues , 'twixt him and Kelly , Lescus , and th' Emperor , would not tell ye . But with the Moon was more familiar Than e'er was Almanack well-willer . Her secrets understood so clear , That some believ'd he had been there . Knew when he was in fittest mood , For cutting Corns , or letting blood : When for anointing Scabs and Itches , Or to the Bum applying Leeches ; When Sows and Bitches may be spade , And in what Sign best Sider's made , Whether the Wane be , or Increase , Best to set Garlick , or sow Pease . Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon , That to the Ancients was unknown ; How many Dukes , and Earls , and Peers , Are in the Planetary Spheres , Their Airy Empire : and command Their sev'ral strengths by Sea and Land ; What factions th' have , and what they drive at In publick Vogue , and what in private ; With what Designs and Interests , Each Party manages Contests , He made an Instrument to know If the Moon shine at Full or no , That would as soon as e'er she shon , strait Whether 't were Day or Night demonstrate ; Tell what her D'ameter t' an Inch is , And prove she is not made of Green-Cheese : It would demonstrate , that the Man in The Moon 's a Sea Mediterranean . And that it is no Dog , nor Bitch , That stands behind him at his breech ; But a huge Caspian Sea , or Lake With Arms which Men for Legs mistake , How large a Gulph his Tail composes , And what a goodly Bay his Nose is ; How many German Leagues by th' scale , Cape-Snout's from Promontory-Tayl : He made a Planetary Gin , Which Rats would run their own heads in , And come o' purpose to be taken , Without th' expence of Cheese or Bacon ; With Lute-strings he would counterfeit Maggots , that crawl on dish of meat , Quote Moles and Spots , on any place O' th' body , by the Index-face : Detect lost Maidenheads , by sneezing , Or breaking wind of Dames , or pissing . Cure Warts and Corns , with application Of Med'cines , to th' Imagination . Fright Agues into Dogs , and scare With Rimes the Tooth-ach and Catarrh . Chase evil spirits away by dint Of Cickle Horseshooe , Hollow-flint . Spit fire out of a Walnut-shell , Which made the Roman Slaves rebell . And fire a Mine in China , here , With Sympathetick Gunpowder . He knew whats'ever's to be known , But much more than he knew , would own . What Med'cine 't was that Paracelsus Could make a man with , as he tells us . What figur'd Slats are best to make , On wat'ry surface , Duck or Drake . What Bowling-stones , in running race Upon a Board , have swiftest pace . Whether a Pulse beat in the black List of a Dapl'd Louse's back . If Systole or Diastole move Quickest , when he 's in wrath , or love : When two of them do run a race , Whether they Gallop , Trot , or Pace , How many scores a Flea will jump , Of his own length , from Head to Rump ; Which Socrates , and Chaerephon In vain , essay'd so long agon ; Whether his Snout a perfect Nose is , And not an Elephant's Proboscis , How many different Specieses Of Maggots breed in rotten Cheese , And which are next of kin to those Engendred in a Chandler's Nose . Or those not seen , but understood , That live in Vinegar and Wood ; A paultry Wretch , he had , half-starv'd , That him in place of Zany serv'd ; Hight Whachum , bred to dash and draw , Not Wine , but more unwholsome Law : To make 'twixt words and lines , huge gaps , Wide as Meridians in Maps . To squander Paper , and spare Ink , Or cheat men of their words , some think ; From this , by merited degrees , He to more high Advancement rise : To be an Under - Conjurer , Or Journy-man Astrologer : His bus'ness was to pump and wheedle , And Men with their own keys unriddle . To make them to themselves give answers , For which they pay the Necromancers . To fetch and carry Intelligence , Of whom , and what , and where , and whence , And all Discoveries disperse , Among th' whole pack of Conjurers ; What Cutpurses have left with them , For the right owners to redeem ; And , what they dare not vend , find out , To gain themselves , and th' Art , repute . Draw Figures , Schemes , and Horoscopes , Of Newgate , Bridewell , Brokers Shops . Of Thieves ascendent in the Cart , And find out all by rules of Art . Which way a Serving-man that 's run With Cloaths or Mony away , is gone : Who pick'd a Fob , at Holding-forth , And where a Watch , for half the worth , May be redeem'd ; or Stolen Plate Restor'd , at Conscionable rate . Beside all this , he serv'd his Master In quality of Poetaster : And Rimes appropriate could make , To ev'ry month i' th' Almanack . When Terms begin , and end , could tell , With their Returns , in Doggerel . When the Exchequer opes and shuts , And Sowgelder , with safety cuts . When Men may Eat and Drink their fill , And when be temp'rate if they will . When use , and when abstain from Vice , Figs , Grapes , Phlebotomy , and Spice . And as in Prisons , mean Rogues beat Hemp , for the service of the Great ; So Whachum beat his durty brains , T' advance his Masters Fame and Gains ; And like the Devil's Oracles , Put into Dogrel-Rimes his Spells , Which over ev'ry Months blank-page I' th' Almanack , strange Bilks presage . He would an Elegy compose On Maggots squeez'd out of his Nose ; In Lyrick numbers write an Ode on His Mistriss , eating a Black-pudden : And when imprison'd Air escap'd her , It puft him with Poetick Rapture : His Sonnets charm'd th' attentive Crowd , By wide-mouth'd Mortal troul'd aloud ; That , circl'd with his long-ear'd Guests , Like Orpheus look'd , among the Beasts , A Carman's Horse could not pass by , But stood ty'd up to Poetry , No Porter's Burthen past along , But serv'd for Burthen to his Song . Each Windore , like a Pill'ry appears , With heads thrust through , nail'd by the Ears : All Trades run in as to the sight Of Monsters , or their dear delight ; The Gallow-Tree , when cutting Purse , Breeds bus'ness for Heroick Verse , Which none does hear , but would have hung I 've been the Theame of such a Song . Those two together long had liv'd , ●n Mansion prudently contriv'd ; Where neither Tree , nor House could bar The free detection of a Star ; And nigh an Antient Obelisk Was rais'd by him , found out by Fisk , On which was written , not in words , But Hieroglyphick Mute of Birds , Many rare pithy Saws concerning The worth of Astrologick Learning : From top of this there hung a Rope , To which he fastned Telescope ; The Spectacles , with which the Stars He reads in smallest Characters . It hapned as a Boy , one night , Did fly his Tarsel of a Kite , The strangest long-wing'd Hauk that flies , That like a Bird of Paradise . Or Heralds Martlet , has no legs , Nor hatches young ones , nor lay Eggs ; His Train was six yards long , milk-white , At th' end of which there hung a Light , Enclos'd in Lanthorn made of Paper , That far off like a Star did appear . This Sidrophel by chance espy'd , And with Amazement staring wide , Bless us , quoth he , What dreadful wonder Is that , appears in Heaven yonder ? A Comet , and without a Beard ? Or Star , that ne're before appear'd ; I 'm certain , 't is not in the Scrowl , Of all those Beasts , and Fish and Fowl , With which , like Indian Plantations , The Learned stock the Constellations : Nor those that drawn from Signs have bin , To th' Houses where the Planets Inn. ●t must be supernatural , Uuless it be that Cannon-Ball , That , shot in th' Air , point-blank , upright , Was born to that prodigious height , That learn'd Philosophers maintain , It ne're came backwards , down agen ; But in the Aëry Region yet , Hangs like the Body o' Mahomet . For if it be above the Shade , That by the Earths round bulk is made , 'T is probable , it may , from far , Appear no Bullet but a Star . This said , He to his Engine flew , Plac'd near at hand , in open view , And rais'd it , till it levell'd right Against the Glow-worm Tail of Kite . Then peeping through , ( bless us quoth he ) It is a Planet now I see ; And if I err not , by this proper Figure , that 's like Tobacco-stopper , It should be Saturn : yes , 't is clear 'T is Saturn , But what makes him there ? He 's got between the Dragon's Tail , And farther Leg behind , o' th' Whale ; Pray Heaven , divert the fatal Omen , For 't is a Prodigy not common , And can no less than the Worlds end , Of Natures funeral portend . With that he fell again to pry Through Perspective more wistfully , When by mischance , the fatal string That kept the Tow'ring Fowl on wing , Breaking , down fell the Star : Well shot , Quoth Whachum , who right wisely though● H 'had levell'd at a Star , and hit it : But Sidrophel more subtle-witted , Cry'd out , What horrible and fearful , Portent is this , to see a Star fall ? It threatens Nature , and the doom Will not be long before it come . When Stars do fall , 't is plain enough , The Judgment 's not far off : As lately 't was reveal'd to Sedgwick . And some of us find out by Magick . Then , since the time we have to live , In this world 's shortned , Let us strive , To make our best advantage of it , And pay our losses with our profit . This feat fell out , not long before The Knight upon the forenam'd score , In quest of Sidrophel advancing , Was now in prospect of the Mansion : Whom he discovering , turn'd his Glass , And found far off , 't was Hudibrass . Whachum ( quoth he ) look yonder ; some To try , or use our Art , are come : The one 's the Learned Knight ; seek out , And pump'em , what they come about . Whachum advanc'd with all submissness , T' accost 'em , but much more , their bus'ness . He held the Stirrup , while the Knight , From Leathern Bare-Bones did alight , And taking from his hand , the Bridle , Approach'd the dark Squire to unriddle . He gave him first the time o' th' day , And welcom'd him , as he might say : He ask'd them whence they came , and whither Their business lay ? Quoth Ralpho , hither ; Did you not lose — Quoth Ralpho , Nay ; Quoth Whachum , Sir , I meant your way ; Your Knight — Quoth Ralpho , is a Lover , And pains intolerable doth suffer , For Lovers Hearts are not their own Hearts , Nor Lights nor Lungs , and so forth downwards ; What time — Quoth Ralpho , Sir too long , Three years it off and on , has hung — Quoth he , I meant what time o' th' day ' t is . Quoth Ralpho , between seven and eight ' t is . Why then ( quoth Whachum ) my small Art Tells me , the Dame has a hard Heart , Or great Estate — Quoth Ralph , a Joynter , Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her . Mean while the Knight was making water , Before he fell upon the matter ; Which having done , the Wizard steps in , To give him a suitable Reception ; But kept his bus'ness at a Bay , Till Whachum put him in the way . Who having now by Ralpho's light , Expounded th' Errand of the Knight , And what he came to know , drew near , To whisper in the Conj'rers ear . Which he prevented thus : What was 't , Quoth he , that I was saying last , Before these Gentlemen arriv'd ? Quoth Whachum , Venus you retriv'd , In opposition with Mars , And no benigne friendly Stars T' allay th' effect . Quoth Wizard , So ! In Virgo ? Ha! quoth Whachum , No. Has Saturn nothing to do in 't ? One tenth of 's Circle to a minute . 'T is well , quoth he — Sir you 'l excuse This rudeness , I am forced to use , It is a Scheme , and face of Heaven As the Aspects are dispos'd , this Even , I was contemplating upon , When you arriv'd : but now I 've done . Quoth Hudibras , If I appear Unseasonable in coming here At such a time , to interrupt Your Speculations , which I hop'd Assistance from , and come to use , 'T is fit that I ask your excuse . By no means , Sir , Quoth Sidrophel , The Stars your coming did foretel : I did expect you here , and know , Before you speak your bus'ness too . Quoth Hudibras , Make that appear , And I shall credit whatsoe'er You tell me after on your word , Howe're unlikely , or absurd . You are in Love , Sir , with a Widow , Quoth he , that does not greatly heed you ; And three years has rid your Wit And Passion without drawing Bit : And now your bus'ness is , to know If you shall carry her , or no. Quoth Hudibras , you 're in the right , But how the Devil you come by 't , I cann't imagine ; for the Stars I 'm sure , can tell no more than a Horse , Nor can their Aspects ( though you pore Your Eyes out on 'em ) tell you more Than the Oracle of Sive and Sheers , That turns as certain as the Spheres ; But if the Devil 's of your Counsel , Much may be done , my noble Donzel , And 't is on this account I come , To know from you my fatal Doom . Quoth Sidrophel , If you suppose , Sir Knight , that I am one of those , I might suspect and take the Alarm , Your bus'ness is but to inform : But if it be , 't is ne'er the near , You have a wrong sow by the Ear , For I assure you , for my part , I only deal by Rules of Art , Such as are lawful , and judge by Conclusions of Astrology : But for the Devil , know nothing by him , But only this , that I defie him . Quoth he , Whatever others deem ye I understand your Metonymie ; Your words of second hand intention , When things by wrongful names you mention ; The Mystick sense of all your Terms , That are indeed but Magick Charms , To raise the Devil , and mean one thing , And that is , down-right Conjuring : And in its self more warrantable , Than Cheat , or Canting to a Rabble , Or putting Tricks upon the Moon , Which by confederacy are done . Your Ancient Conjurers were wont To make her from her Sphere dismount , And to their Incantations stoop , They scorn'd to pore through Telescope , Or idly play at bo-peep with her , To find out cloudy , or fair weather , Which every Almanack can tell , Perhaps , as learnedly , and well , As you your self — Then friend I doubt You go the farthest way about . Your Modern Indian Magician Makes but a hole i' th' Earth to piss in , And streit resolves all Questions by 't , And seldom fails to be i' th' right . The Rosy-crucian way 's more sure , To bring the Devil to the Lure ; Each of 'em has a sev'ral Gin , To catch Intelligences in . Some by the Nose with fumes trappan 'um , As Dunstan did the Devil's Grannum . Others with Characters and Words , Catch 'em as Men in Nets do Birds . And some with Symbols , Signs and Tricks , Engarv'd in Planetary Nicks , With their own influences , will fetch 'em , Down from their Orbs , arrest and catch'em ; Make 'em depose , and answer to All Questions e'er they let him go . Devil's Bird Shut in the Pummel of his Sword , That taught him all the cunning Pranks , Of past and future Mountebanks . Kelly did all his Feats upon The Devil 's Looking-Glass , a Stone , Where playing with him at Bo-peep , He solv'd all Problems ne're so deep . Agrippa kept a Stygian-pug , I' th' garb and habit of a Dog , That was his Tutor ; and the Curr Read to th' occult Philosopher , And taught him subtly to maintain All other Sciences are vain . To this , quoth Sidrophello , Sir , Agrippa was no Conjurer , Nor Paracelsus , no nor Behman ; Nor was the Dog a Cacodoemon , But a true Dog , that would shew tricks For th' Emperor , and leap o're sticks ; Would fetch and carry , was more civil , Than other Dogs , but yet no Devil ; And whatsoe'er he 's said to do , He went the self-same way we go . As for the Rosie-cross Philosophers , Whom you will have to be but Sorcerers ; What they pretend to , is no more , Than Trismegistus did before , Pythagoras , old Zoroaster , And Appollonius their Master ; To whom they do confess I ow , All that they do , and all they know . Quoth Hudibras , Alas what is 't to us , Whether 't were said by Trismegistus : If it be nonsence , false , or mystick , Or not intelligible , or sophistick . 'T is not Antiquity , nor Author , That makes truth truth , although time's daughter ; 'T was he that put her in the Pit , Before he pull'd her out of it . And as he eats his Sons , just so He feeds upon his Daughters too . Nor do's it follow , cause a Herald Can make a Gentleman scarce a year old , To be descended of a Race , Of ancient Kings in a small space ; That we should all Opinion hold Authentick , that we can make old . Quoth Sidrophel , It is no part Of prudence , to cry down an Art ; And what it may perform , deny Because you understand not why . ( As Averrhois play'd but mean trick , To damn our whole Art for Excentrick ) For who knows all that knowledge contains ? Men dwell not on the Tops of Mountains , But on their sides , or rising's seat ; So 't is with knowledge's vast height , Do not the Hist'ries of all Ages Relate miraculous presages , Of strange turns in the World's affairs , ●oreseen b' Astrologers , Soothsayers , ●haldeans , Learn'd Genethliacks , And some that have writ Almanacks ? The Median Emp'rour dream't his Daughter , Had pist all Asia under water , And that a Vine , sprung from her hanches , O'erspread his Empire , with its branches ; And did not Soothsayers expound it , As after by th' event he found it ? When Caesar in the Senate fell , Did not the Sun eclips'd foretel , And in resentment of his slaughter , Look'd pale for almost a year after ? Augustus having , b' oversight , Put on his left Shoe , 'fore his right , Had like to have been Slain that day , By Soldiers mutining for pay . Are there not myriads of this sort , Which Stories of all times report ? Is it not ominous in all Countreys , When Crows and Ravens croak upon Trees ? The Roman Senate , when within The City-walls an Owl was seen ; Did cause their Clergy with Lustrations ; ( Our Synod calls Humiliations , ) The round-fac'd Prodigy t' avert From doing Town or Country hurt . And if an Owl have so much pow'r , Why should not Planets have much more ? That in a Region , far above Inferior Fowls o' th' Air , move , And should see farther , and fore-know , More then their Augury below : Though that once serv'd the Polity Of mighty States to govern by ; And this is that we take in hand , By pow'rful Art to understand . Which , how we have perform'd , all Ages Can speak th' Events of our presages , Have we not lately in the Moon Found a new World to th' Old unknown ? Discover'd Sea and Land , Columbus And Magell●n could never compass ? Made Mountains with our Tubes appear , And Cattle gazing on 'em there ? Quoth Hudibrass , You lie so ope , That I , without a Telescope , Can find your tricks out , and desery Where you tell truth , and where you lie . For Anaxagoras long agon , Saw Hills , as well as you i' th' Moon ; And held the Sun was but a piece Of Red-hot-Ir'n as big as Greece ; Believ'd the Heavens were made of Stone , Because the Sun had voided one ; And rather than he would recant Th' Opinion , suffer'd Banishment ▪ But what , alas , what is 't to us , Whether i' th' Moon , men thus or thus , Do eat their Porridge , cut their Corns , Or whether they have Tails or Horns ? What Trade from thence can you advance But what we nearer have from France ? What can our Travellers bring home , That is not to be learnt at Rome ? What Politicks , or strange Opinions , That are not in our own Dominions ? What Science can be brought from thence , In which we do not here Commence ? What Revelations , or Religions , That are not in our Native Regions ? Are sweating Lanthorns , or Screen-Fans Made better there , than th' are in France ? Or do they teach to sing and play O' th' Gittar there a newer way ? Can they make Plays there , that shall fit The Publick Humor with less Wit ? Write wittier Dances , quainter Shows , Or fight with more ingenious Blows ? Or does the Man i' th' Moon look big , And wear a huger Periwig , Shew in his Gate , or Face , more tricks Than our own Native Lunaticks ? But if w' out-do him here at home , What good of your design can come ? As wind i' th' Hypochondrias pent Is but a blast if downward sent ; But if it upwards chance to fly , Becomes new Light and Prophecy : So when our Speculations tend , Above their just and useful end , Although they promise strange and great , Discoveries of things far fet , They are but idle Dreams and Fancies , And savor strongly of the Ganzas , Tell me but what 's the nat'ral cause , Why on a Sign no Painter draws The Full-Moon ever , but the Half , Resolve that with your Jacobs-staff ; Or why Wolves raise a Hubbub at her , And Dogs howl when she shines in water ; And I shall freely give my Vote , You may know something more remote . At this deep Sidrophel look'd wise , And staring round with Owl-like Eies , He put his face into a posture Of Sapience , and began to bluster ; For having three times shook his head To stir his wit up , thus he said . Art has no mortal Enemies Next Ignorance , but Owls and Geese ; Those Consecrated Geese in Orders , That to the Capitol were Warders : And being then upon Petrol , With noise alone beat of the Gaul . Or those Athenian Sceptick Owls , That will not credit their own Souls ; Or any Science understand , Beyond the reach of Eye , or Hand : But meas'ring all things by their own Knowledge , hold , Nothing 's to be known . Those whole-sale Criticks , that in Coffee-Houses , cry down all Philosophy . And will not know , upon what ground In Nature , we our doctrine found ; Although with pregnant evidence , We can demonstrate it to sence . As I just now have done to you , Foretelling what you came to know , Were the Stars only made to light Robbers and Burglaries by night ? To wait on Drunkards , Thieves , Gold-finders , And Lovers solacing behind Doors ? Or giving one another Pledges ? Of Mrtrimony under Hedges ? Or Witches Simpling , and on Gibbets Cutting from Malefactors snippets ? Or from the Pillory tips of Ears Of Rebel-Saints , and Perjurers ? Only to stand by and look on , But not know what is said or done ? Is there a Constellation there , That was not born and bred up here ? And therefore cannot be to learn , In any inferior Concern . Were they not , during all their lives , Most of 'm Pirats , Whores , and Thieves ? And is it like they have not still In their old Practises some skill ? Is there a Planet that by Birth Does not derive its House from Earth ? And therefore probably must know What is , and hath been done below ? Who made the Ballance , or whence came The Bull , the Lion , and the Ram ? Did not we here , the Argo rigg Make Berenice's Periwig ? Whose Liv'ry does the Coachman wear ? Or who made Cassiopoea's Chair ? And therefore as they came from hence , With us may hold Intelligence . Plato deyn'd , the World can be Govern'd without Geometry , ( For Mony b'ing the common Scale Of things by measure , weight , and tale ; In all th' affairs of Church and State , 'T is both the Ballance and the Weight : ) Then much less can it be without Divine Astrology made out , That puts the other down in worth , As far as Heaven's above Earth . The reasons ( quoth the Knight ) I grant Are something more significant Than any that the Learned use , Upon this subject to produce ; And yet , th' are far from satisfactory T' establish and keep up your Factory . The Egyptians say , the Sun has twice Shifted his setting and his rise ; Twice has he risen in the West , As many times set in the East ; But whether that be true , or no , The Devil any of you know . Some hold , the Heavens , like a Top , Are kept by Circulation up ; And 't were not for their wheeling round , They 'd instantly fall to the ground : As sage Empedocles of old , And from him Modern Authors old . Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon , Below all other Planets run . Some Mercury , some Venus seat Above the Sun himself in height . The learned Scaliger complain'd 'Gainst what Copernicus maintain'd , That in Twelve hundred years , and odd , The Sun had left his ancient Road , And nearer to the Earth , is come 'Bove Fifty thousand miles from home ▪ Swore 't was a most notorious Flam , And he that had so little Shame To vent such Fopperies abroad , Deserv'd to have his Rump well claw'd ; Which Monsieur Bodin hearing : swore That he deserv'd the Rod much more , That durst upon a truth give doom , He knew less then the Pope of Rome . Cardan believ'd , Great States depend Upon the tip o' th' Bears Tails end ; That as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun , Strow'd mighty Empires up and down ; Which others say must needs be false , Because your true Bears have no Tails . Some say , the Zodiack-Constellations Have long since chang'd their antique Stations Above a Sign ; and prove the same , ●n Taurus now , once in the Ram ; Affirm the Trigon chop'd and chang'd , The Watry with the Fiery rang'd ; Then how can their effects still hold To be the same they were of old . This , though the Art were true , would make Our Modern Soothsayers mistake ; And is one cause they tell more lies , In Figures and Nativities , Than th' old Chaldean Conjurers , In so many hundred thousand years ; Beside their Nonsense in translating , For want of Accidence and Latine . Like Idus and Calendae Englisht The Quarter-days , by skilful Linguist , And yet with Canting , Slight , and Cheat 'T will serve their turn to do the seat ; Make Fools believe in their fore-seeing Of things before they are in Being ; To swallow Gudgeons ere th' are catch'd , And count their Chickens ere th' are hatch'd , Make them the Constellations prompt , ●nd give 'em back their own accompt : ●ut still the best to him that gives ●he best price for 't , or best believes . ●ome Towns and Cities , some , for brevity , ●ave cast the Versal World's Nativity ; ●nd made the Infant-Stars confess , ●ike Fools or Children , what they please : ●ome calculate the hidden fates ●f Monkeys , Puppy-Dogs , and Cats , ●ome Running Nags , and Fighting-Cocks ; ●ome Love , Trade , Law-Suits , and the Pox ; ●ome take a measure of the lives ●f Fathers , Mothers , Husbands , Wives , ●ake Opposition , Trine , and Quartile ; ●ell who is barren , and who fertile , ●s if the Planet's first aspect ●he tender Infant did infect In Soul and Body , and instill All future good , and future ill : Which , in their dark fatalities lurking , At destin'd Periods fall a working ; And break out like the hidden seeds Of long diseases into deeds , In Friendships , Enmities and strife , And all th' emergences of Life : No sooner does he peep into , The World , but he has done his do , Catch'd all Diseases took all Physick , That cures , or kills a man that is sick ; Marry'd his punctual dose of Wives , Is Cuckolded , and breaks or Thrives . There 's but twinckling of a Star Between a Man of Peace and War , A Thief and Justice , Fool and Knave , A huffing Officer and a Slave , A crafty Lawyer and Pick-pocket , 〈◊〉 great Philosopher and a Block-head , 〈◊〉 formal Preacher and Player , 〈◊〉 learn'd Physitian and Man-slayer . ●s if Men from the Stars did suck ●ld-Age , Diseases , and ill-luck , ●it , Folly , Honor , Virtue , Vice , ●rade , Travel , Women , Claps , and Dice ; ●nd draw with the first Air they breath , Battel , and Murther , sudden Death , ●re not these fine Commodities , ●o be imported from the Skies ? ●nd vended here among the Rable , ●or staple Goods , and warrantable ? ●ike Money by the Druids borrow'd , ● th' other World to be restor'd . Quoth Sidrophel , To let you know You wrong the Art and Artists too : Since Arguments are lost on those That do our Principles oppose ; I will ( althougth I 've don 't before ) Demonstrate to your sense once more , And draw a Figure that shall tell you What you perhaps forget , befel you ; By way of Horary inspection , Which some account our worst erection . With that , He Circles draws , and Squares With Cyphers , Astral Characters ; Then looks 'em o'er , to understand 'em , Although set down Hab-nab , at random . Quoth he , This Scheme o' th' Heavens set Discovers how in fight you met At Kingston with a Maypole Idol , And that y'were bang'd both back and side well : And though you overcame the Bear , The Dogs beat you at Brentford Fair ; Where sturdy Butcher broke your Noddle , And handl'd you like a Fop-doodle . Quoth Hudibras , I now perceive You are no Conj'rer , b' your leave , That Paultry story is untrue , And forg'd to cheat such Gulls as you . Not true ? quoth he , How e'er you vapor , I can , what I affirm , make appear ; Whachum shall justifie 't to your face , And prove he was upon the place : He play'd the Saltintbanco's part , Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my Art , He stole your Cloak , and pick'd your Pocket , Chews'd , and Caldes'd ye like a Block-head : And what you lost I can produce If you deny it , here i' th' house . Quoth Hudibras , I do believe , That Argument's Demonstrative ; Ralpho , bear witness , and go fetch us A Constable to seize the Wretches : For though th' are both false Knaves and Cheats , Impostors , Juglers , Counterfets , I 'll make them serve for perpendiculars , As true , as e'er were us'd by Brick-layers ; They 're guilty by their own Confessions , Of Felony ; and at the Sessions Upon a Bench I will so handle 'em , That the Vibration of this Pendulum Shall make all Taylors Yards , of one Unanimous opinion : A thing he long has vapour'd of , But now shall make out it by proof . Quoth Sidrophel , I do not doubt , To find friends , that will bear me out : Nor have I hazarded my Art , And Neck , so long on the States part , To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer , By which a Braghadocio Huffer . Huffer , quoth Hudibras , This Sword Shall down thy false throat , Cram that word , Ralpho , make haste , and call an Officer , To apprehend this Stygian Sophister ; Mean while I 'll hold 'em at a Bay , Lest he and Whachum run away . But Sidrophel , who from th' Aspect Of Hudibras , did now erect , A Figure worse portending far , Than that of most malignant Star : Believ'd it now the fittest moment , To shun the danger that might come on 't , While Hudibras was all alone , And he and Whachum , two to one ; This being resolv'd , He spy'd by chance , Behind the Dore , an Iron Lance , That many a sturdy Limb had gor'd , And Legs , and Loyns , and Shoulders bord . He snatch'd it up , and made a Pass , To make his way through Hudibras . Whachum had a Fire-Fork , With which he vow'd to do his Work . But Hudibras was well prepar'd , And stoutly stood upon his Guard . He put by Sidrophello's thrust , And in , right manfully , he rusht , The weapon from his gripe he wrung , And laid him on the earth along . Whachum his Seacole-Prong threw by , And basely turn'd his back to fly . But Hudibras gave him a twitch As quich as Lightning in the Breech . Just in the place , where Honor 's lodg'd , As wise Philosophers have judg'd ; Because a kick in that part more Hurts Honor , than deep wounds before . Quoth Hudibras , the Stars determine . You are my Prisoners , base Vermine . Could they not tell you so , as well As what I came to know , foretel ? By this , what Cheats you are , we find , That in your own Concerns are blind : Your Lives are now at my dispose , To be redeem'd by fine or blows : But who his Honor would defile , To take , or fell two lives so vile ; I 'll give you Quarter , but your Pillage , The Conqu'ring Warrier's Crop and Tillage , Which with his Sword he reaps , and plows ; That mine , the Law of Arms allows . This said , in haste he fell To romaging of Sidrophel . First , He expounded both his Pockets , And found a Watch with Rings and Lockets , Which had been left with him , t' erect A Figure for , and so detect . A Copper-Plate , with Almanacks Engrav'd upon 't , with other knacks , Of Booker's , Lillie's , Sarah Jimmers ; And Blank-Schemes to discover Nimmers ; A Moon-Dial , with Napier's bones , And several Constellation-stones , Engrav'd in Planetary hours , That over Mortals had strange powers To make 'em thrive in Law , or Trade ; And stab , or poyson , to evade ; In Wit , or Wisdom to improve , And be victorious in Love . Whachum had neither Cross nor Pile , His Plunder was not worth the while ; All which the Conqu'ror did discompt , To pay for curing of his Rump . But Sidrophel , as fulls of tricks , As Rota-men of Politicks , Streight cast about to over-reach Th' unwary Conqu'ror with a fetch , And make him glad , ( at least ) to quit His Victory , and fly the Pit , Before the Secular Prince of Darkness Arriv'd to seize upon his Carkass . And , as a Fox , with hot pursuit , Chac'd through a Warren , cast about To save his credit , and among Dead Vermin on a Gallows hung ; And while the Dogs ran underneath , Escap'd ( by counterfeiting Death ) Not out of Cunning , but a Train Of Atoms justling in his Brain , As learn'd Philosophers give out : So Sidrophello cast about , And fell to 's wonted Trade again , To feign himself in earnest slain , First ▪ stretch'd out one leg , then another , And seeming in his Breast to smother , A broken Sigh ; Quoth he , Where am I , Alive or Dead ? Or which way came I Through so immense a space so soon ? But now , I thought my self i' th' Moon ; And that a Monster with huge Wiskers , More formidable than a Switzers , My body through and through had dril'd , And Whachum by my side , had kill'd , Had cross examin'd both our Hose , And plunder'd all we had to lose ; Look there he is , I see him now , And feel the place I am run through And there lies Whachum by my side , Stone-dead , and in his own blood dy'd . Oh! Oh! with that he fetch'd a Grone , And fell again into a swoun . Shut both his Eies , and stopt his Breath , And , to the Life , out acted - Death . That Hadibras , to all appearing , Believ'd him to be dead as Herring . He held it now no longer safe , To tarry the return of Ralph ; But rather leave him in the Lurch ; Thought he , he has abus'd our Church , Refus'd to give himself one firk , To carry on the Publick work . Despis'd our Synod-men like Durt . And made their Discipline his sport ; Divulg'd the secrets of their Classes , And their Conventions prov'd High Places ; Disparag'd their Tith-Pigs , as Pagan , And set at nought their Cheese and Bacon ; Rail'd at their Covenant , and jear'd Their rev'rend Parsons to my Beard , For all which Scandals to be quit , At once , this Juncture falls out fit , I 'll make him henceforth , to beware , And tempt my fury , if he dare : He must ( at least ) hold up his hand , By twelve Free-holders to be scan'd , Who by their skill in Palmistry , Will quickly read his Destiny ; And make him glad to read his Lesson , Or take a turn for 't at the Session : Unless his Light and Gifts prove truer , Than ever yet they did , I 'm sure ; For if he scape with Whipping now , 'T is more than he can hope to do , And that will disingage my Conscience , Of th' Obligation , in his own sense . I 'll make him now by force abide , What he by gentle means deny'd , To give my Honor satisfaction , And right the Brethren in the Action . This being resolv'd with equal speed , And Conduct , he approach'd his Steed ; And with Activity unwont , Essay'd the lofty Beast to mount ; Which once atchiev'd , he spurr'd his Palfrey , To get from th' Enemy , and Ralph , free ; Left Danger , Fears , and Foes behind , And beat , at least three lengths , the Wind.

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL . Ecce iterum Crispinus — WEll Sidrophel , though 't is in vain To tamper with your Crazy Brain , Without Trepanning of your Scull . As often as the Moon 's at Full : 'T is not amiss , ere y' are giv'n o'er , To try one desp'rate Med'cine more : For where your Case can be no worse , The desp'rat'st is the wisest course . I●'t possible , that you , whose Ears Are of the Tribe of Issachars , And might ( with equal Reason ) either For Merit , or extent of Leather , With William Pryn's , before they were Retrench'd , and Crucifi'd compare , Should you be deaf against a noise So roaring as the Publick Voice ? That speaks your virtues free and loud , And openly in ev'ry croud . As loud as one that sings his part T' a Wheel-barrow or Turnip Cart , — Or your new Nicknam'd old Invention , To cry Green Hastings with an Engine . ( As if the vehemence had stun'd , And torn your Drum-heads with the sound ) And 'cause your Folly 's now no news , But over-grown and out of use . Persuade your self there 's no such matter , But that 't is vanish'd out of Nature , When Folly , as it grows in years , The more extravagant appears . For who but you could be possest With so much Ignorance , and Beast , That neither all mens Scorn , and Hate , Nor being Laugh'd and Pointed at , Nor bray'd so often in a Morter , Can teach you wholesome Sense , and Nurture ? But ( like a Reprobate ) what course S'ever's us'd , grow worse and worse ? Can no Transfusion of the Blood , That makes Fools Cattle , do you good ? Nor putting Pigs t' a Bitch to Nurse , To turn 'em into Mungrel-Curs , Put you into a way , at least , To make your self a better Beast ; Can all your critical Intrigues Of trying sound from rotten Eggs ; Your several New-found Remedies , Of curing Wounds , and Scabs in Trees ; Your Arts of Fluxing them from Claps , And Purging their infected Saps , Recov'ring Shankers , Chrystallines , And Nodes and Botches in their Rindes , Have no effect to operate Upon that duller Block , your Pate , But still it must be lewdly bent To tempt your own due Punishment — ? And like your whimsey'd Chariots draw The Boys to course you without Law ? ●s if the Art you have so long ●rofest , of making old Dogs young , In you had Virtue to renew Not only Youth , but Childhood too . Can you , that understand all Books By judging only with your Looks , Resolve all Problems with your Face , As others do with B's , and A's , Unriddle all that Mankind knows With solid bending of your Brows , All Arts and Sciences advance , With screwing of your Countenance , And with a penetrating Eye , Into th' abstrusest Learning pry , Know more of any Trade b' a hint , Than those that have been bred up in 't ▪ And yet have no Art true , or false To help your own bad Naturals ? But still the more you strive t' appear , Are found to be the wretcheder . For Fools are known by looking wise , As Men find Woodcocks by their Eies . Hence 't is , that 'cause y' have gai'nd o' th' Colledge , A Quarter-share ( at most ) of Knowledge , And brought in none , but spent Repute , Y' assume a Pow'r as absolute To Judge and Censure , and Controll , As if you were the sole Sir Poll And saucily pretend to know More then your Dividend comes to , You 'll find the thing will not be done , With Ignorance , and Face alone : No though y' have purchas'd to your Name , In History so great a Fame , That now your Talent's so well known , For having all belief outgrown ; That ev'ry strange Prodigious Tale Is measur'd by your German Scale , — By which the Virtuosi try The Magnitude of ev'ry Ly , Cast up to what it does amount : And place the big'st to your account . That all those stories that are lay'd Too truly to you , and those made , Are now still charg'd upon your score , And lesser Authors nam'd no more . Alas that Faculty destroys Those soonest , it designs to raise . And all your vain Renown will spoil , As Guns o're-charg'd the more recoyl . Though he that has but Impudence To all things has a fair Pretence And put among his wants , but shame , To all the World may lay his claim : Though you have try'd that nothing's born With greater ease than Publique Scorn ; That all affronts do still give Place To your Impenetrable Face ; That makes your way through all affairs , As Pigs through Hedges creep with theirs . Yet as 't is Counterfeit and Brass You must not think 't will always pass ; For all Impostors , when they 'r known , Are past their Labor , and undone . And all the best that can befall An Artificial Natural , Is that which Madmen find , as soon As once th' are broke loose from the Moon And proof against her Influence , Relapse to e're so little Sense To turn stark Fools , and Subjects fit For sport of Boys , and Rabble-wit .

Annotations TO THE SECOND PART . But now t' observe , &c.

THe beginning of this Second Part may perhaps seem strange and abrupt to those who do not know , that it was written of purpose , in imitation of Virgil , who begins the IV Book of his Aeneides in the very same manner , At Regina gravi , &c. And this is enough to satisfie the curiosity of those who believe that Invention and Fancy ought to be measur'd ( like Cases in Law ) by Precedents , or else they are in the power of the Critick .

A Saxon Duke did grow so fat .

This History of the Duke of Saxony , is not altogether so strange as that of a Bishop his Country-man , who was quite eaten up with Rats and Mice .

King Pyrrhus cur'd his Splenetick , And testy Courtiers with a kick .

Pyrrhus King of Epirus , who as Pliny says , had this occult Quality in his Toe , Pollicis in dextro Pede tactu Lienosis medebatur . L. 7. C. 11.

In close Catasta shut , &c.

Catasta is but a pair of Stocks in English , But Heroical Poetry must not admit of any vulgar word ( especially of paultry signification ) and therefore some of our Modern Authors are fain to import foraign words from abroad , that were never before heard of in our Language .

'T was he that made St. Francis do , &c.

The Ancient Writers of the Lives of Saints , were of the same sort of People , who first writ of Knight-Errantry , and as in the one , they rendred the brave Actions of some very great Persons ridiculous , by their prodigious Lies , and sottish way of describing them : So they have abus'd the Piety of some very devout Persons , by imposing such stories upon them , as this upon St. Francis .

This made the beautious Queen of Crete .

The History of Pasiphae is common enough , only this may be observ'd , That though she brought the Bull a Son and Heir ; yet the Husband was fain to father it , as appears by the Name , perhaps because the Country being an Island , he was within the four Seas , when the Infant was begotten .

As your own Secretary Albertus .

Albertus Magnus was a Sweedish Bishop , who wrote a very Learned Work , De Secretis Mulierum .

Unless it be to squint and laugh .

Pliny in his Natural History affirms , ThatVni animalium homini oculi depravantur , unde Cognomina Strabonum & Paetorum . Lib. 2.

As Fryar Bacon's Noddle was .

The Tradition of Fryar Bacon and the Brazen-Head , is very commonly known , and considering the times he liv'd in , is not much more strange then what another great Philosopher of his Name , has since deliver'd up of a Ring , that being ty'd in a string , and held like a Pendulum in the middle of a Silver Bowl , will vibrate of it self , and tell exactly against the sides of the Divining Cup , the same thing with , Time is , Time was , &c.

Or like some Indians Sculls so tough , That Authors say th' are Musket proof .

American Indians , among whom ( the same Authors affirm ) that there are others , whose Sculls are so soft , to use their own words , Vt Digito perforari possunt .

Or Oracle from Heart of Oak .

Jupiters Oracle in Epirus , near the City of Dodona . Vbi Nemus erat Jovi sacrum , Querneum totum in quo Jovis Dodonaei Templum fuisse narratur .

Semiramis of Babylon .

Semiramis , Queen of Assyria , is said to be the first that invented Eunuchs . Semiramis teneros mares castravit omnium Prima . Am. Marcel . L. 14. p. 22. Which is something strange in a Lady of her Constitution , who is said to have receiv'd Horses into her embraces ( as another Queen did a Bull ) But that perhaps may be the reason , why she after thought Men not worth the while .

For some Philosophers of late here .

S.K.D. in his Book of Bodies ; who has this story of the German-Boy , which he endeavors to make good by several Natural reasons ; By which those who have the Dexterity to believe what they please , may be fully satisfied of the probability of it .

A Persian Emp'ror whip'd his Granum .

Xerxes who us'd to whip the Seas and Winds . In Corum , atque Eurum solitus sevire flagellis , Juven. Sat. 10.

So the ancient Stoicks in their Porch .

In Porticu ( Stoicorum Scholâ Athenis ) Discipulorum seditionibus , mille Quadringenti triginta Cives interfecti sunt Diog. Laert. in vita Zenonis p. 383. Those old Virtuoso's were better Proficients in those Exercises , than the Modern , who seldom improve higher than Cuffing , and Kicking .

That Bonum is an Animal .

Bonum is such a kind of Animal , as our Modern Virtuosi , from Don Quixot , will have Windmils under sail to be . The same Authors are of opinion , That all Ships are Fishes while they are afloat , but when they are run on ground , or laid up in the Dock , become Ships again .

— In a Town There liv'd a Cobler , and but one .

This History of the Cobler has been attested by Persons of good credit , who were upon the place when it was done .

Have been exchang'd for Tubs of Ale .

The Knight was kept Prisoner in Exeter , and after several exchanges propos'd , but none accepted of , was at last releas'd for a Barrel of Ale , as he often us'd , upon all occasions , to declare .

Bore a Slave with him in his Chariot .

— Et sibi Consul . Ne placeat , curru servus portatur eodem Juven. Sat 10.

Hung out their Mantles Della Guer.

Tunica Coccinea solebat pridie quam dimicandum esset , supra Praetorium poni quasi admonitio & indicium futurae Pugnae Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56.

Next Links and Torches , &c.

That the Roman Emperors were wont to have Torches born before them ( by day ) in publick , appears by Herodion in Portinance . Lip . in Tacit. p. 16.

Vespatian being daub'd with Dirt.

C. Caesr succensens , propter curam verrendis viis non adhibitam , Luto jussit oppleri , congesto per milites in praetextae sinum . Sueton in Vespas . Ca. 5.

Has not this present Parliament , A Ledger to the Devil sent ?

The Witchfinder in Suffolk , who in the Presbyterian times had a Commission to discover Witches , ( of whom ( right or wrong ) he caus'd 60 to be hang'd within the compass of one year , and among the rest an old Minister , who had been a painful Preacher for many years .

Did he not help the Dutch to purge . At Antwerp their Cathedral Church ?

In the beginning of the Civil Wars of Flanders , the common people of Antwerp , in a tumult , broke open the Cathedral Church ; to demolish Images and Shrines : and did so much mischief in a small time , that Strada writes , There were several Devils seen very busie among them , otherwise it had been impossible .

Sing Catches to the Saints at Mascon .

This Devil of Mascon deliver'd all his Oracles , like his Forefathers , in Verse , which he sung to Tunes : He made several Lampoons upon the Hugonots , and foretold them many things , which afterwards came to pass ; as may be seen in his Memoires , written in French .

Appear in divers shapes to Kelly , And speak i' th' Nun at London's Belly .

The History of Dr. Dee and the Devil , published by Mer. Causabon , Isac . Fil. Prebend of Canterbury , has a large accompt of all those Passages ; in which the stile of the true and false Angels appears to be penn'd by one and the same person . The Nun of London in France , and all her tricks have been seen by many Persons of Quality of this Nation , yet living , who have made very good observations upon the French Book written upon that occasion .

Meet with the Parliaments Committee At Woodstock on a Pers'nal Treaty .

A Committee of the long Parliament sitting in the King● House in Woodstock-Park , were terrify'd with several Apparitions , the particulars whereof were then the News of the whole Nation .

At Sarum took a Cavalier .

Withers has a long story in Doggerel , of a Soldier of the Kings Army , who being a Prisoner at Sali●bury , and drinking a health to the Devil upon his knees , was carried away by him through a single pane of Glass .

Since old Hodg-Bacon .

Roger Bacon , commonly called Fryar Bacon , liv'd in the Reign of our Edward the I. and for some little skill he had in the Mathematicks , was , by the Rabble , accounted a Conjurer , and had the sottish story of the Brazen Head father'd upon him , by the ignorant Monks of those days . Robert Grosthead was Bishop of Lincoln in the Reign of Hen. III. He was a Learned Man for those times , and for that reason suspected by the Clergy to be a Conjurer , for which crime being degraded by Pope Innocent the IV. and Summon'd to appear at Rome , he appeal'd to the Tribunal of Christ ; which our Lawyers say is illegal , if not a Praemunire , for offering to sue in a Foreign Court .

Which Socrates and Chaerephon In vain assay'd so long agone .

Aristophanes in his Comedy of the Clouds brings in Socrates and Chaerephon , measuring the Leap of a Flea , from the ones Beard to the others .

Was rais'd by him , found out by Fisk.

This Fisk was a late famous Astrologer , who flourish'd about the time of Subtle and Face , and was equally celebrated by Ben. Johnson .

Unless it be that Cannon-ball .

This experiment was try'd by some Foreign Virtuoso's who planted a Piece of Ordnance point-blanc against the Zenith , and having fir'd it , the Bullet never rebounded back again , which made them all conclude , that it sticks in the mark ; but Des Cartes was of opinion , That it does but hang in the Air.

As lately was reveal'd to Sedgwyck .

This Sedgwyck had many Persons ( and some of Quality ) that believ'd in him , and prepar'd to keep the day of Judgment with him , but were disappointed ; for which the false Prophet was afterwards call'd by the name of Doomesday Sedgwyck .

Your Modern Indian Magician , Makes but a hole in th' Earth to piss in .

This compendious new way of Magick is affirm'd by Monsieur Le Blanc ( in his Travels ) to be us'd in the East-Indies .

Bumbastus kept a Devils Bird , &c.

Paracelsus is said to have kept a small Devil pris'ner in the Pummel of his Sword , which was the reason , perhaps , why he was so valiant in his Drink ; Howsoever it was to better purpose than Annibal carry'd poyson in his , to dispatch himself , if he should happen to be surpriz'd in any great extremity , for the Sword would have done the Feat alone , much better , and more Soldier-like . And it was below the Honor of so great a Commander , to go out of the World like a Rat.

Agrippa kept a Stygian Pug.

Cornelius Agrippa had a Dog , that was suspected to be a Spirit , for some tricks he was wont to do , beyond the capacity of a Dog , as it was thought ; but the Author of Magia Adamica has taken a great deal of pains to vindicate both the Doctor and the Dog , from that aspersion , in which he has shown a very great respect and kindness for them both .

As Averrhois play'd but a mean trick .

Averrhois Astronomiam propter Excentricos contempsit . Phil. Melancton in Elem. Phys. p. 781.

The Median Emp'ror dreamt his Daughter .

Astyages King of Media had this Dream of his Daughter Mandane , and the Interpretation from the Magi , wherefore he married her to a Persian of mean quality , by whom she had Cyrus , who conquer'd all Asia , and translated the Empire from the Medes to the Persians . Herodot . L. 2.

When Caesar in the Senate fell .

Fiunt aliquando Prodigiosi , & longiores Solis Defectus , quales occiso Caesare Dictatore & Antoniano Bello , totius Anni Pallore continuo , Plin.

Augustus having b' oversight , &c.

Divus Augustus Laevum sibi prodidit calceum praepostere indutum , quo die seditione Militum propè afflictus est , Idem . Lib. 2.

The Roman Senate when within , The City Walls an Owl was seen .

Romani L. Crasso & C. Maria Coss . Bubone viso orbem lustrabant .

For Anaxagoras long agone , Saw Hills , as well as you , i' th' Moon .

Anaxagoras affirmabat Solem Candens Ferrum esse , & Peloponesso majorem : Lunam habitacula in se habere , & Colles , & Valles . Fertur dixisse Caelum omne ex Lapidibus esse Compositum ; Damnatus & in exilium pulsus est , quod impie , Solem Candentem laminam esse dixisset . Diogen . Laert. in Anaxag . p. 11.13 .

The Aegyptians say , the Sun has twice Shifted his Setting and his Rise .

Aegyptii Decem millia Annorum , & amplius , recensent ; & observatum est in hoc tanto Spatio , bis mutata esse Loca Ortuum & Occasuum solis ; ita ut Sol bis ortus sit ubi nunc occidit , & bis descenderit ubi nunc oritur . Phil. Melanct. Lib. 1. p. 60.

Some hold the Heavens like a Top , Are kept by Circulation up .

Causa quare Caelum non cadit , ( secundum Empedoclem ) est velocitas sui motus , Comment. in L. 2. Aristot . de Caelo .

Plato believ'd the Sun and Moon Below all other Planets run .

Plato Solem & Lunam caeteris Planetis inferiores esse putavit , G. Cunning. in Cosmogr . L. 1. p. 11.

The Learned Scaliger complain'd .

Copernicus in Libris Revolutionum , deinde Reinholdus , post etiam Stadius , Mathematici nobiles perspicuis Demonstrationibus docuerunt , solis Apsida Terris esse propriorem , quam Ptolomaei aetate duodecim partibus , i. e. uno & triginta terrae semidiametris . Jo. Bod. Met. Hist. p. 455.

Cardan believ'd great States depend , &c.

Putat Cardanus , ab extrema Cauda Helices seu Majori● ursae omne magnum Imperium pendere . Id. p. 325.

Than th' old Chaldean Conjurers In so many hundred thousand years .

Chaldaei jactant se quadringinta septuaginta Annorum millia in periclitandis , experiundisque Puerorum Animis posuisse . Cicero .

Like Money by the Druids borrow'd , &c.

Druidae pecuniam mutuo accipiebant in Posteriore vita redituri . Patricius Tom. 2. p. 97.

That paultry story is untrue , And forg'd to cheat such Gulls as you .

There was a notorious Idiot ( that is here describ'd by the Name and Character of Whacum ) who counterfeited a Second Part of Hudibras , as untowardly as Captain Po , who could not write himself , and yet made a shift to stand on the Pillory , for Forging other Mens Hands , as his Fellow Whachum , no doubt deserv'd ; in whose abominable Doggerel This story of Hudibras and a French Mountebank at Brentford . Fair is as properly describ'd .

That the vibration of this Pendulum , Shall make all Taylors Yards , of one Unanimous opinion .

The device of the Vibration of a Pendulum , was intended to settle a certain Measure of Ells and Yards , &c. ( that should have its foundation in Nature ) all the World over ; For by swinging a weight at the end of a string , and calculating ( by the motion of the Sun , or any Star ) how long the Vibration would last , in proportion to the length of the String , and weight of the Pendulum ; they thought to reduce it back again , and from any part of time , compute the exact length of any string , that must necessarily vibrate in so much space of time : So that if a man should ask in China for a Quarter of an Hour of Satin or Taffeta , they would know perfectly what it meant . And all Mankind learn a new way to measure things no more by the Yard , Foot , or Inch , but by the Hour , Quarter , and Minute .

Before the Secular Prince of Darkness .

As the Devil is the spiritual Prince of Darkness , so is the Constable the Secular , who governs in the night with as great Authority as his Colleague , but far more imperiously .

FINIS .

HUDIBRAS . THE Third and Last PART .

Written by the AUTHOUR OF THE FIRST and SECOND PARTS .

LONDON , Printed for Robert Horne , and are to be sold by Tho. Basset at the George in Fleet-street . 1684.

Licensed and Enter'd according to the Act of Parliament for Printing .

HUDIBRAS . The Third and Last Part. The ARGUMENT of the FIRST CANTO of the Third Part. The Knight and Squire resolve at once , The one the other to renounce . They both approach the Ladie 's Bower , The Squire t' inform , the Knight to woo her . She treats them with a Masquerade , By Furies and Hobgoblins made : From which the Squire conveys the Knight , And steals him , from himself , by Night . CANTO I. 'T IS true , no Lover has that Pow'r T' enforce a desperate Amour , As he that has two Strings to 's Bow , And burns for Love and Money too : For then he 's brave and Resolute , Disdains to render in his Suit , Has all his Flames and Raptures double , And hangs or drowns with half the trouble . While those who sillily pursue The simple downright way , and true , Make as unlucky Applications , And steer against the Stream their Passions . Some forge their Mistresses of Stars , And when the Ladies prove averse , And more untoward to be won , Than by Caligula the Moon , Cry out upon the Stars for doing Ill Offices to cross their wooing ; When onely by themselves they 'r hindred , For trusting those they made her Kindred : And still the harsher and hide-bounder The Damsels prove , become the fonder . For what mad Lover ever dy'd , To gain a soft and gentle Bride ? Or for a Lady tender-hearted , In purling Streams or Hemp departed ? Leap'd headlong in t' Elizium , Through th' Windows of a dazling Room ? But for some cross ill-natur'd Dame , The amo'rous Fly burnt in his flame . This to the Knight could be no News , With all Mankind so much in use ; Who therefore took the wiser course , To make the most of his Amours , Resolv'd to try all sorts of ways , As follows in due Time and Place . No sooner was the bloody Fight Between the Wizard and the Knight With all th' Appurtenances over , But he relaps'd again t' a Lover : As he was always wont to doe When h' had discomfited a Foe , And us'd the only Antick Philters Deriv'd from old Heroick Tilters . But now Triumphant and Victorious , He held th' Achievement was too glorious For such a Conquerour , to meddle With Pettey Constable , or Beadle ; Or fly for Refuge to the Hostess Of th' Inns of Court and Chanc'ry , Justice : Who might , perhaps , reduce his Cause To th' Ordeal Tryal of the Laws ; Where none escape , but such as branded With red-hot Irons have past Bare-handed ; And if they cannot read one Verse I' th' Psalms , must sing it , and that 's worse . He therefore , judging it below him , To tempt a shame the Devil might owe him , Resolv'd to leave the Squire for Bail And Mainprize for him , to the Gaol , To answer , with his Vessel , all That might disastrously befall . He thought it now the fittest juncture , To give the Lady a Rencounter ; T' acquaint her with his Expedition , And Conquest o're the fierce Magician ; Describe the manner of the Fray , And shew the spoils he brought away ; His bloody Scourging aggravate , The Number of the Blows and Weight : All which might probably succeed , And gain belief h' had done the deed . Which he resolv'd t' enforce , and spare No pawning of his Soul , to swear ; But , rather than produce his Back : To set his Conscience on the Rack : And , in pursuance of his urging Of Articles perform'd , and scourging , And all things else upon his part , Demand deliv'ry of her Heart , Her Goods , and Chattels , and good Graces , And Person , up to his embraces . Thought he , the ancient Errant Knights Won all their Ladies Hearts in Fights , And cut whole Giants into Fitters , To put them into amorous twitters ; Whose stubborn Bowels scorn'd to yield Until their Gallants were half kill'd : But when their Bones were drubb'd so sore They durst not wooe one Combat more , The Ladies Hearts began to melt , Subdu'd with Blows their Lovers felt , So Spanish Heroes with their Lances At once wound Bulls and Ladies fancies : And he acquires the noblest Spouse That Widows greatest Herds of Cows . Then what may I expect to do , Wh ' have quell'd so vast a Buffalo ? Mean while the Squire was on his way , The Knight's late Orders to obey ; Who sent him for a strong Detachment Of Beadles , Constables , and Watchmen , T' attack the Cunning-man for Plunder Committed falsely on his Lumber , When he , who had so lately sack'd The Enemy , had done the Fact , Had rifled all his Pokes and Fobs Of Gimcracks , Whims and Jiggumbobs , Which he by hook or crook had gather'd , And for his own Inventions father'd : And when they should , at Gaol-delivery , Unriddle one another's Thievery , Both might have evidence enough To render neither halter-proof . He thought it desperate to tarry , And venture to be Accessary : But rather wisely slip his Fetters , And leave them for the Knight , his Betters . He call'd to mind th' unjust foul play He would have offer'd him that day , To make him curry his own Hide , Which no Beast ever did beside , Without all possible evasion , But of the Riding Dispensation . And therefore much about the hour , The Knight ( for reasons told before ) Resolv'd to leave him to the Fury Of Justice and an unpack'd Jury , The Squire concurr'd t' abandon him , And serve him in the self-same Trim ; T' acquaint the Lady what h' had done , And what he meant to carry on ; What Project 't was he went about , When Sidrophel and he fell out ; His firm and stedfast Resolution , To swear her to an Execution ; To pawn his inward Ears , to marry her . And Bribe the Devil himself to carry her . In which both dealt , as if they meant Their Party Saints to represent , Who never fail'd , upon their sharing In any Prosperous Arms-Bearing , To lay themselves out , to supplant Each other Cosin-German Saint . But e'r the Knight could do his Part , The Squire had got so much the Start , H' had to the Lady done his Errand , And told her all his Tricks afore-hand . Just as he finish'd his Report , The Knight alighted in the Court ; And having ty'd his Beast t' a Pale , And taken time for both to stale ▪ He put his Band and Beard in order , The Sprucer to accost and board her ; And now began t' approach the Door : When she , wh' had spy'd him out before , Convey'd th' Informer out of sight , And went to entertain the Knight . With whom encountring after Longees Of humble and submissive Congees , And all due Ceremonies paid , He stroak'd his Beard , and thus he said : Madam , I do , as is my Duty , Honour the Shadow of your Shoe-tye : And now am come , to bring your Ear A Present you 'l be glad to hear ; At least I hope so . The thing 's done , Or may I never see the Sun ; For which I humbly now demand Performance at your gentle Hand : And that you 'ld please to do your part , As I have done mine to my smart . With that he shrugg'd his sturdy Back , As if he felt his Shoulders ake . But she , who well enough knew what ( Before he spoke ) he would be at , Pretended not to apprehend The Mystery of what he mean'd : And therefore wish'd him to expound His dark expressions less profound . Madam , quoth he , I come to prove How much I 've suffer'd for your Love , Which ( like your Votary ) to win , I have not spar'd my tatter'd skin : And , for those meritorious Lashes , To claim your favour and good Graces , Quoth she , I do remember once I freed you from th' inchanted Sconce ; And that you promis'd , for that favour , To bind your Back to th' good Behaviour , And for my Sake and Service vow'd To lay upon 't a heavy Load , And what 't would bear t' a scruple prove , As other Knights do oft make love . Which , whether you have done or no , Concerns your self , not me , to know . But if you have , I shall Confess , Y' are honester than I could guess . Quoth he , If you suspect my troth , I cannot prove it but by Oath ; And , if you make a question on 't , I 'll pawn my Soul , that I have don 't . And he that makes his Soul his Surety , I think , does give the best security . Quoth she , Some say , the Soul 's secure Against Distress and Forfeiture ; Is free from Action , and exempt From Execution and Contempt ; And to be summon'd to appear In th' other World , s'illegal here : And therefore few make any account , Int' what incumbrances they run't . For most men carry things so even Between this World , and Hell and Heaven , Without the least offence to either , They freely deal in all together ; And equally abhor to quit This World for both , or both for it . And when they pawn and damn their Souls , They are but Pris'ners on Parols . For that , quoth he , 't is rational , They may be accomptable in all . For when there is that intercourse Between Divine and Humane Pow'rs , That all that we determine here Commands Obedience every where ; When Penalties may be commuted For Fines , or Ears , and Executed ; It follows , nothing binds so fast As Souls in Pawn and Mortgage past . For Oaths are th' only Tests and Scales Of right and wrong , and true and false ; And there 's no other way to try The Doubts of Law and Justice by . Quoth she , What is it you would swear ? There 's no believing till I hear : For till th' are understood , all Tales ( Like Nonsense ) are not True , nor False . Quoth he , When I resolv'd t' obey What you commanded th' other day , And to perform my Exercise , ( As Schools are wont ) for your fair eyes ; T' avoid all Scruples in the Case , I went to do 't upon the Place . But as the Castle is inchanted By Sidrophel the Witch , and haunted With evil Spirits , as you know , Who took my Squire and me for two ; Before I 'd hardly time to lay My weapons by , and dis-array , I heard a Formidable Noise , Loud as the Stentrophonick Voice , That Roar'd far off , Dispatch and Strip , I 'm ready with th' Infernal Whip , That shall devest thy Ribs of Skin , To expiate thy lingring Sin . Th' hast broke perfidiously thy Oath , And not perform'd thy plighted Troth ; But spar'd thy Renegado Back , Where th' hadst so great a Prize at Stake : Which now the Fates have order'd me For Penance , and Revenge to Flay , Vnless thou presently make haste . Time is , Time was : and there it ceas'd . With which though startled , I confess , Yet th' Horrour of the thing was less Than th' other Dismal apprehension Of Interruption or Prevention . And therefore snatching up the Rod , I laid upon my Back a load ; Resolv'd to spare no Flesh and Blood , To make my Word and Honour good . Till tir'd , and taking Truce at length , For new Recruits of Breath and Strength , I felt the Blows still ply'd as fast , As if th' had been by Lovers plac'd In Raptures of Platonick Lashing , And chast Contemplative Bardashing . When facing hastily about , To stand upon my Guard and Scout , I found th' Infernal Cunning-man , And th' Vnder-witch , his Caliban , With Scourges ( like the Furies ) arm'd , That on my outward Quarters storm'd . In haste I snatch'd my Weapon up , And gave their Hellish Rage a stop ; Call'd thrice upon your Name , and fell Courageously on Sidrophel : Who now transform'd himself t' a Bear , Began to roar aloud and tear ; When I as furiously prest on , My Weapon down his Throat to run , Laid hold on him : but he brok loose , And turn'd himself into a Goose , Div'd under Water , in a Pond , To hide himself from being found . In vain I sought him , but as soon As I perceiv'd him fled and gone , Prepar'd with equal Haste and Rage , His Vnder-Sorcerer t' ingage . But bravely Scorning to defile My Sword with feeble bloud and vile ; I judg'd it better from a Quick-Set-Hedge to cut a knotted Stick , With which I furiously laid on ; Till in a harsh and dolefull tone It roar'd , Oh hold for pitty , Sir , I am too great a Sufferer , Abus'd , as you have been , b' a Witch , But conjur'd in t' a worse Caprich : Who sends me out on many a Jaunt , Old Houses in the Night to haunt , For opportunities t' improve Designs of Thievery or Love ; With Drugs convey'd in Drink or Meat , All Feats of Witches counterfeit ; Kill Pigs and Geese with poudred Glass , And make it for Inchantments pass , With Cow-itch meazle like a Leper , And choak with Fumes of Guiny-Pepper ; Make Lechers and their Punks with Dewtry Comm●t phantastical Advowtry ; Bewitch Hermetick-men to run Stark staring mad with Manicon ; Believe Mechanick Virtuosi Can raise 'em Mountains in Potosi ; And ●●llier than the Antick Fools , Take Treasure for a Heap of Coals : Seek out for Plants with Signatures , To Quack of Vniversal Cures ; With Figures ground on pa●es of Glass , Make People on their Heads to pass ; And mighty heaps of Coyn increase , Reflected from a single piece : To draw in Fools , whose Nat'ral Itches Incline perpetually to Witches ; And keep me in continual Fears , And Danger of my Neck and Ears : When less Delinquent have been scourg'd , And Hemp on wooden Anvils forg'd , Which others for Cravats have worn About their Necks , and took a Turn . I pity'd the sad Pu●ishment The wretched Caitiff underwent , And held my Drubbing of his Bones Too great an Honour for Pultrones ; For Knights are bound to feel no Blows From paltry and unequal Foes , Who when they slash and cut to pieces , Do all with civillest Addresses : Their Horses never give a Blow , But when they make a Leg and Bow . I therefore spar'd his Flesh , and prest him About the Witch , with many a Question . Quoth he , For many Years he drove A kind of Broking-Trade in Love , Employ'd in all th' Intrigues and Trust Of feeble Speculative Lust ; Procurer to th' Extravagancy And crazy Ribaldry of Fancy . By those the Devil had forsook , As things below to him , to provoke . But b'ing a Vertuoso , able To Smatter , Quack , and Cant , and Dabble , He held his Talent most Adroit For any Mystical Exploit ; As others of his Tribe had done , And rais'd their Prizes Three to One. For one Predicting Pimp has th' Ods Of Chauldrons of plain downright Bauds . But as an Elf ( the Devils Valet ) Is not so slight a thing to get , For those that do his business best , In Hell are us'd the ruggedest ; Before so meriting a Person Could get a Grant , but in Reversion , He serv'd two Prentiships and longer I' th' Myst'ry of a Lady-Monger . For ( as some write ) A Witche's Ghost , As soon as from the Body loos'd , Becomes a Puiny-Imp it self , And is another Witche's Elf. He after searching far and near , At length found one in Lancashire , With whom he bargain'd beforehand , And , after Hanging , entertain'd . Since which h' has plaid a thousand Feats , And practis'd all Mechanick Cheats : Transform'd himself to th' ugly Shapes Of Wolves , and Bears , Baboons , and Apes ; Which he has vary'd more than Witches , Or Pharaoh 's Wizards could their Switches ; And all with whom h' has had to do , Turn'd to as Monstrous Figures too . Witness my self , whom h' has abus'd , And to this Beastly shape reduc'd , By feeding me on Beans and Pease , He crams in nasty Crevises , And turns to Comfits by his Arts , To make me relish for Disserts , And one by one with Shame and Fear Lick up the candid Provender . Beside — But as h'was running on , To tell what other Feats h 'had done , The Lady stopt his full Career , And told him , now 't was time to hear : If half those things ( said she ) be true , ( Th' are all ( quoth he ) I swear by you : ) Why then ( said she ) that Sidrophel Has damn'd himself to th' Pit of Hell ; Who , mounted on a Broom , the Nag And Hackney of a Lapland Hag , In Quest of you came hither Post , Within an Hour ( I 'm sure ) at most ; Who told me all you swear and say , Quite contrary another way ; Vow'd , that you came to him to know If you should carry me or no ; And would have hir'd him and his Imps , To be your Match-makers and Pimps , T' ingage the Devil on your Side , And steal ( like Proserpine ) your Bride . But he disdaining to embrace So filthy a Design , and base , You fell to vapouring and huffing , And drew upon him , like a Ruffin ; Surpriz'd him meanly , unprepar'd , Before h 'had time to mount his Guard ; And left him dead upon the Ground , With many a Bruise , and desperate wound : Swore you had broke and rob'd his House , And stole his Talismanique Louse , And all his New-found Old Inventions , With flat Felonious Intentions ; Which he could bring out , where he had , And what he bought 'em for and paid ; His Flea , his Morpion , and Punese , H 'had gotten for his proper ease , And all in perfect Minutes made , By th' ablest Artists of the Trade ; Which ( he could prove it ) since he lost , He has been eaten up almost ; And all together might amount To many hundreds on account : For which h 'had got sufficient warrant To seize the Malefactors Errant , Without capacity of Bail , But of a Cart's or Horse's Tail ; And did not doubt to bring the Wretches , To serve for Pendulums to Watches ; Which modern Virtuoso's say , Incline to Hanging every way . Beside he swore , and swore 't was true , That er'e he went in Quest of you , He set a Figure to discover If you were fled to Rye or Dover ; And found it clear , that , to betray Your selves and me , you fled this way ; And that he was upon pursuit , To take you somewhere hereabout . He vow'd h 'had had Intelligence Of all that past before and since : And found , that ere you came to him , Y' had been ingaging Life and Lim About a case of tender Conscience , Where both abounded in your own Sence ; Till Ralpho , by his Light and Grace , Had clear'd all Scruples in the Case ; And prov'd that you might swear , and own Whatever's by the Wicked done . For which , most basely to requite The Service of his Gifts and Light , You strove t' oblige him by main force , To Scourge his Ribs instead of yours , But that he stood upon his Guard , And all your vapouring out-dar'd : For which , between you both , the Feat Has never been perform'd as yet . While thus the Lady talk'd , the Knight Turn'd the outside of his eyes to white . ( As Men of Inward Light are wont To turn their Opticks in upon 't . ) He wonder'd how she came to know What he had done , and meant to do : Held up his Affidavit hand , As if h 'had been to be arraign'd : Cast tow'rds the Door a ghastly Look , In dread of Sidrophel , and spoke . Madam , if but one Word be true Of all the Wizard had told you , Or but one single Circumstance In all th' Apocryphal Romance , May dreadful Earthquakes swallow down This Vessel , that is all your own ; Or may the Heavens fall , and cover These Reliques of your constant Lover . You have provided well , quoth she , ( I thank you ) for your self and me ; And shewn your Presbyterian Wits Jump punctual with the Jesuits . A most compendious way and civil , At once to cheat the World , the Devil , And Heav'n and Hell , your selves and ●hose On whom you vainly think t' impose . Why then ( quoth he ) may Hell surprize . That trick ( said she ) will not pass twice : I 've learn'd how far I 'm to believe Your pinning Oaths upon your Sleeve . But there 's a better way of Clearing What you would prove , than downright Swearing ; For if you have perform'd the Feat , The Blows are visible as yet Enough to serve for satisfaction Of nicest scruples in the Action . And if you can produce those Knobs , Although th' are but the Witche's Drubs , I 'll pass them all upon account , As if your natural self had don 't . Provided that they pass th' Opinion Of able Juries of old Women , Who , us'd to judge all matt'r of Facts For Bellies , may do so for Backs . Madam , ( quoth he ) your Love 's a Million , To do is less than to be willing , As I am , were it in my pow'r , T' obey what you command , and more . But for performing what you bid , I thank you as much as if I did . You know I ought to have a care To keep my Wounds from taking Air : For Wounds in those that are all Heart Are dangerous in any Part. I find ( quoth she ) my Goods and Chattels Are like to prove but mere drawn Battels ; For still the longer we contend , We are but farther off the end . But granting now we should agree , What is it you expect from me ? Your plighted Faith ( quoth he ) and Word You past in Heaven on Record , Where all Contracts , to have and t' hold , Are everlastingly inroll'd . And if 't is counted Treason , here To race Records , 't is much more there . Quoth she , There are no Bargains driv'n Nor Marriages clapp'd up in Heaven : And that 's the reason , as some guess , There is no Heav'n in Marriages ; Two things that naturally press Too narrowly , to be at ease . Their bus'ness there is onely Love , Which Marriage is not like t' improve . Love , that 's too generous , t' abide To be against its Nature ty'd : For where 't is of it self inclin'd , It breaks loose when it is confin'd ; And , like the Soul , its harbour●r , Debarr'd the freedom of the Air , Disdains against its will to stay , But struggles out , and flies away : And therefore never can comply , T' endure the Matrimonial tye , That binds the Female and the Male , Where th' one is but the other's Bail ; Like Roman Gaolers , when they slept , Chain'd to the Prisoners they kept . Of which the True and Faithfull'st Lover Gives best security to suffer . Marriage is but a Beast , some say , That carries double in foul way ; And therefore 't is not to b' admir'd It should so suddenly be tir'd : A Bargain at a venture made Between two Part'ners in a Trade , ( For what 's inferr'd by T' have and t' hold , But something past away , and sold ? ) That as it makes but one of two , Reduces all things else as low : And at the best is but a Mart Between the one and th' other part , That on the Marriage-day is paid , Or hour of Death , the Bet it laid . And all the rest of Bett'r or worse Both are but losers out of Purse . For when upon their ungot Heirs Th' intail themselves , and all that 's theirs , What blinder Bargain e're was driven , Or Wager laid at six and seven ? To pass themselves away , and turn Their Children's Tenants e're th' are born ? Beg one another Idiot To Guardians , e're they are begot ; Or ever shall , perhaps , by th' one , Who 's bound to vouch 'em for his own , Though got b' Implicit Generation , And General Club of all the Nation : For which she 's fortify'd no less Then all the Island , with four Seas Exacts the Tribute of her Dow'r In ready Insolence and Pow'r ; And makes him pass away , to Have And Hold , to her , himself , her slave , More wretched then an Ancient Villain , Condemn'd to Drudgery and Tilling ; While all he does upon the By , She is not bound to justifie , Nor at her proper cost and charge Maintain the Feats he does at large . Such hideous Sots were those obedient Old Vassals to their Ladies Regent ; To give the Cheats the Eldest hand In Foul Play , by the Laws o' th' Land ; For which so many a legal Cuckold Has been run down in Courts , and truckled . A Law that most unjustly yokes All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes , Without distinction of Degree , Condition , Age , or Quality ; Admits no Pow'r of Revocation , Nor valuable Consideration , Nor Writ of Error , nor Reverse Of Judgement past For better or worse ; Will not allow the Privileges That Beggars challenge under Hedges , Who , when th' are griev'd , can make dead Horses Their Spiritual Judges of Divorces ; While nothing else but Rem in Re , Can set the proudest wretches free : A Slavery beyond enduring , But that 't is of their own procuring . As Spiders never seek the Fly , But leave him , of himself t' apply : So men are by themselves betray'd , To quit the freedom they injoy'd , And run their Necks into a Nooze , They 'ld break 'em after , to break loose . As some , whom Death would not depart , Have done the Feat themselves by Art . Like Indian-Widows , gone to bed In flaming Curtains to the Dead : And Men as often dangled for 't , And yet will never leave the Sport . Nor do the Ladies want excuse For all the Stratagems they use , To gain th' advantage of the Set , And lurch the Amorous Rook and Cheat. For , as a Pythagorean Soul Runs through all Beasts , and Fish , and Fowl , And has a smack of ev'ry one ; So Love does , and has ever done . And therefore , though 't is ne're so fond , Takes strangely to the Vagabond . 'T is but an Ague that 's reverst , Whose hot fit takes the Patient first , That after burns with cold as much As Ir'n in Greenland does the touch ; Melts in the Furnace of desire , Like Glass , that 's but the Ice of Fire ; And when his heat of Fancy's over , Becomes as hard and frail a Lover . For when he 's with Love-powder laden , And Prim'd and Cock'd by Miss , or Madam , The smallest sparkle of an Eye Gives Fire to his Artillery ; And off the loud Oaths go , but while Th' are in the very Act , recoil . Hence 't is , so few dare take their chance Without a sep'rate maintenance : And Widows , who have try'd one Lover , Trust none again , till th' have made over . Or if they do , before they marry , The Foxes weigh the Geese they carry : And e're they venture o're a stream , Know how to size themselves and them . Whence witty'st Ladies aways choose To undertake the heaviest Goose . For now the World is grown so wary , That few of either Sex dare marry , But rather trust on tick t' Amours , The Cross and Pile for Bett'r or Worse : A Mode that is held honourable , As well as French and fashionable . For when it falls out for the best , Where both are incommoded least , In Soul and Body two unite , To make up one Hermaphrodite ; Still Amorous , and Fond , and Billing , Like Philip and Mary on a Shilling , Th' have more Punctilio's and Capriches Between the Petticoat and Breeches , More petulant Extravagancies , Then Poets make 'em in Romances . Though , when the Heroes 'spouse the Dames , We here no more of Charms and Flames : For then their late attracts decline , And turn as eager as Prick'd Wine ; And all their Catterwaulling tricks , In earnest to as jealous Piques : Which th' Ancients wisely signify'd , By th' yellow Manto's of the Bride . For Jealousie is but a kind Of Clap and Grincam of the Mind , The natural effect of Love , As other Flames and Aches prove : But all the mischief is , the doubt On whose account they first broke out . For though Chineses go to Bed , And lye in in their Ladies stead , And for the pains they took before , Are nurs'd and pamper'd to do more : Our Green-men do it worse , when th' hap To fall in labour of a Clap ; Both lay the Child to one another : But who 's the Father , who the Mother , 'T is hard to say in Multitudes , Or who imported the French Goods . But Health and Sickness b'ing all one , Which both ingag'd before to own , And are not with their Bodies bound To Worship onely when th' are sound ; Both give and take their equal shares Of all they suffer by false Wares : A Fate no Lover can divert With all his caution , Wit , and Art . For 't is in vain to think to guess At Women by Appearances , That Paint and Patch their Imperfections Of Intellectual Complexions , And daub their Tempers o're with Washes As artificial as their Faces ; Wear under Vizard-Masks their Talents And Mother Wits before their Gallants ; Vntil th' are hamper'd in the Nooze , Too fast to dream of breaking loose : When all the Flaws they strove to hide Are made unready , with the Bride , That with her Wedding-cloaths undresses Her Complaisance and Gentilesses ; Tries all her Arts , to take upon her The Government from th' easie owner , Vntil the Wretch is glad to wave His lawful Right , and turn her Slave ; Finds all his Having , and his Holding , Reduc'd t' eternal Noise and Scolding , The Conjugal Petard , that tears Down all Portcullices of Ears , And makes the Volly of one Tongue For all their Leathern Shields too strong , When onely arm'd with Noise and Nails , The Female Silk-worms ride the Males , Transform'd 'em into Rams and Goats , Like Sirens with their charming Notes , Sweet as a Screech-Owl's Senerade , Or those inchanting murmurs made By th' Husband Mandrake and the Wife , Both bury'd ( like themselves ) alive . Quoth he , these Reasons are but strains Of wanton , over-heated Brains , Which Ralliers in their Wit or Drink Do rather wheedle with , than think . Man was not Man in Paradise , Vntill he was Created twice , And had his better half , His Bride , Carv'd from th' Original , his side , T' amend his Natural defects , And perfect his recruited Sex , Inlarge his Breed , at once , and lessen The Pains and Labour of increasing , By changing them for other cares , As by his dry'd up-Paps appears . His Body , that stupendious Frame , Of all the World the Anagram , Is of two equal parts compact In Shape and Symmetry exact . Of which the Left and Female side Is to the Manly Right a Bride ; Both joyn'd together with such Art , That nothing else but Death can part . Those Heav'nly attracts of yours , your Eyes , And Face , that all the World surprize , That dazle all that look upon ye , And scorch all other Ladies Tawny ; Those ravishing and charming Graces , Are all made up of two Half Faces , That in a Mathematick Line , Like those in other Heavens , join . Of which if either grew alone , 'T would fright as much to look upon : And so would that sweet Bud , your Lip , Without the other's fellowship . Our Noblest Senses act by Pairs , Two Eyes to see , to hear two Ears ; Th' Intelligencers of the Mind , To wait upon the Soul design'd . But those that serve the Body alone , Are single and confin'd to one . The World is but two Parts , that meet , And close at th' Aequinoctial , fit ; And so are all the Works of Nature , Stamp'd with her signature on Matter ; Which all her Creatures , to a Leaf , Or smallest Blade of Grass , receive . All which sufficiently declare How intirely Marriage is her care , The onely method that she uses , In all the wonders she produces . And those that take their rules from her , Can never be deceiv'd , nor err . For what secures the Civil Life But pawns of Children and a Wife ; That lie , like Hostages , at stake , To pay for all Men undertake ? To whom it is as Necessary , As to be born and breath , to marry ; So Vniversal , all Mankind In nothing else is of one mind . For in what stupid Age , or Nation , Was Marriage ever out of Fashion ? Vnless among the Amazons , Or Vestal Friars , and Cloister'd Nuns , Or Stoicks , who to bar the Freaks And loose Excesses of the Sex , Preposterously would have all Women Turn'd up to all the World in common . Though Men would find such mortal Fewds In sharing of their publick Goods , 'T would put them to more charge of Lives , Than th' are supply'd with now by Wives ; Vntil they Graze , and wear their Cloaths , As Beasts do , of their Native Growths : For simple wearing of their Horns , Will not suffice to serve their turns . For what can we pretend t' inherit , Vnless the Marriage-deed will bear it ? Could claim no Right to Lands or Rents , But for our Parents settlements . Had been but younger Sons o' th' Earth , Debarr'd it all , but for our Birth . What Honours , or Estates of Peers Could be preserv'd but by their Heirs ? And what security maintains Their Right and Title , but the Banes ? What Crowns could be Hereditary , If greatest Monarchs did not marry , And with their Consorts consummate Their weightiest Interest of State ? For all th' Amours of Princes are But Guarranties of Peace or War . Or what but Marriage has a Charm , The Rage of Empires to disarm , Make Bloud and Desolation cease , And Fire and Sword unite in Peace , When all their fierce contests for Forrage Conclude in Articles of Marriage ? Nor does the Genial Bed provide Less for the Interests of the Bride ; Who else had not the least Pretence T' as much as Due Benevolence ; Could no more Title take upon her To Vertue , Quality , and Honour , Than Ladies Errant , unconfin'd , And Feme-Coverts to all Mankind . All Women would be of one piece , The vertuous Matron , and the Miss ; The Nymphs of chast Diana's Train , The same with those in Lewkner's-lane ; But for the difference Marriage makes 'Twixt Wives , and Ladies of the Lakes . Besides , the joys of Place and Birth , The Sexes Paradise on Earth ; A privilege so sacred held , That none will to their Mothers yield ; But rather than not go before , Abandon Heaven at the Door . And if th' indulgent Law allows A greater freedom to the Spouse ; The reason is , because the Wife Runs greater hazards of her Life ; Is trusted with the Form and Matter Of all Mankind by careful Nature . Where Man brings nothing but the Stuff , She frames the wondrous Fabrick of : Who therefore , in a streight , may freely Demand the Clergy of her Belly , And make it save her , the same way , It seldom misses to betray . Vnless both Parties wisely enter Into the Liturgy-Indenture . And though some fits of small contest Sometimes fall out among the Best , That is no more than every Lover Does from his Hackney-Lady suffer , That makes no Breach of Faith and Love , But rather ( sometime ) serves t' improve . For , as in Running , ev'ry Pace Is but between two Legs a Race , In which both do their uttermost To get before , and win the Post ; Yet when th' are at their race's ends , Th' are still as kind and constant friends , And to relieve their weariness , By turns give one another ease : So all those false Alarms of strife Between the Husband and the Wife , And little Quarrels , often prove To be but new recruits of Love . When those wh' are always kind or coy , In time must either Tire , or Cloy . Nor are their loudest Clamours more , Than as th' are relish'd , Sweet , or Sour : Like Musick , that proves bad , or good , According as 't is understood . In all Amours a Lover burns , With Frowns , as well as Smiles , by turns And Hearts have been as oft with sullen , As charming looks , surpriz'd and stollen . Then why should more bewitching Clamour Some Lovers not as much enamour ? For Discords make the sweetest Airs , And Curses are a kind of Prayers , Too slight Alloys for all those grand Felicities by Marriage gain'd . For nothing else has pow'r to settle Th' interests of Love perpetual . An Act and Deed that makes one Heart Become another's Counter-part , And passes Fines on Faith and Love , Inroll'd and Registred above , To seal the slippery knot of Vows , Which nothing else but Death can loose . And what Security's too strong To guard that gentle Heart from wrong , That to its Friend is glad to pass It self away , and all it has ; And , like an Anchorite , gives over This World , for th' Heaven of a Lover ? I grant ( quoth she ) there are some few Who take that course , and find it true : But Millions , whom the same does sentence To Heaven b' another way , Repentance . Love's Arrows are but shot at Rovers , Though all they hit they turn to Lovers . And all the weighty consequents Depend upon more blind events Than Gamesters , when they play a Set With greatest cunning at Piquet , Put out with caution , but take in They know not what , unsight-unseen . For what doe Lovers , when th' are fast In one another's Arms embrac't , But strive to plunder , and convey . Each other , like a Prize , away ? To change the property of selves , As sucking Children are by Elves ? And if they use their Persons so , What will they to their Fortunes doe ? Their Fortunes ! the perpetual aims Of all their Ecstasies and Flames . For when the Money 's on the Book , And All my Worldly Goods — but spoke ; ( The Formal Livery and Seisin That puts a Lover in possession ) To that alone the Bridegroom 's wedded , The Bride a Flam that 's superseded . To that their Faith is still made good , And all the Oaths to us they vow'd , For when we once resign our Pow'rs , W' have nothing left we can call ours . Our Money 's now become the Miss , Of all your Lives and Services ; And we forsaken , and Post-pon'd , But Bawds to what before we own'd . Which as it made y' at first Gallant us , So now hires others to supplant us , Vntil 't is all turn'd out of doors , ( As we had been ) for new Amours . For what did ever Heiress yet By being born to Lordships get ? When the more Ladie sh' is of Mannors , She 's but expos'd to more Trepanners , Pays for their Projects and Designs , And for her own destruction Fines , And does but tempt them with her Riches , To use her as the Dev'l does Witches ; Who takes it for a special Grace , To be their Cully for a space , That , when the time 's expir'd , the Drazels For ever may become his Vassals . So she , bewitch'd by Rooks and Spirits , Betrays her self , and all sh' inherits Is bought and sold , like stollen Goods , By Pimps , and Match-makers , and Bawds : Vntil they force her to convey , And steal the Thief himself away . These are the everlasting Fruits Of all your passionate Love-suits , Th' effects of all your amorous Fancies To Portions and Inheritances , Your Love-sick Raptures for Fruition Of Dowry , Jointure , and Tuition ; To which you make Address and Courtship , And with your Bodies strive to Worship , That th' Infant 's Fortunes may partake Of Love too for the Mother's sake . For these , you play at Purposes , And love your Loves with A's and B's : For these , at Beast and L'hombre wooe , And play for Love and Money too ; Strive who shall be the ablest Man At right Gallanting of a Fan , And who the most Gentilely bred At sucking of a Vizard Bead , How best t' accost us in all Quarters T' our question-and-command New Garters , And solidly discourse upon All sorts of Dresses Pro and Con. For there 's no Mystery nor Trade , But in the Art of Love is made . And when you have more Debts to pay Than Michaelmas and Lady-day , And no way possible to do 't , But Love and Oaths and restless Suit , To us y' apply , to pay the Scores Of all your cully'd past Amours ; Act o're your Flames and Darts again , And charge us with your wounds and pain , Which others influences long since Have charm'd your Noses with , and Shins ; For which the Surgeon is unpaid , And like to be , without our aid . Lord ! what an Amorous thing is Want ! How Debts and Mortgages inchant ! What Graces must that Lady have , That can from Executions save ! What Charms , that can reverse Extent , And null Decree and Exigent ! What Magical Attracts and Graces , That can redeem from Scire facias ; From Bonds and Statutes can discharge , And from Contempts of Courts inlarge ! These are the highest Excellencies Of all our true or false Pretences , And you would damn your selves , and swear As much t' an Hostess Dowager , Grown fat and pursy by Retail Of Pots of Beer , and Bottled Ale ; And find her fitter for your turn , For Fat is wondrous apt to burn ; Who at your Flames would soon take Fire , Relent , and melt to your desire , And , like a Candle in the Socket , Dissolve her Graces in t' your Pocket , By this time 't was grown dark and late , When th' heard a knocking at the Gate , Laid on in haste with such a powder , The blows grew louder still and louder . Which Hudibras , as if th' had been Bestow'd as freely on his Skin , Expounding by his inward Light , Or rather more Prophetick fright , To be the Wisard , come to search , And take him napping in the lurch , Turn'd pale as Ashes , or a Clout ; But why , or wherefore , is a doubt : For Men will tremble , and turn paler , With too much , or too little Valour . His Heart laid on , as if it try'd To force a passage through his side , Impatient ( as he vow'd ) to wait 'em , But in a Fury to fly at 'em ; And therefore beat , and laid about , To find a cranny to creep out . But she , who saw in what a taking The Knight was by his furious Quaking , Undaunted , cry'd , Courage , Sir Knight , Know I 'm resolv'd to break no Rite Of Hospitality t' a Stranger , But to secure you out of danger , Will here my self stand Sentinel , To guard this Pass 'gainst Sidrophel . Women , you know , do seldom fail To make the stoutest Men turn tail ; And bravely scorn to turn their Backs . Vpon the desperat'st Attacks . At this the Knight grew resolute As Iron-side or Hardy-knute ; His fortitude began to rally , And out he cry'd aloud , to sally . But she besought him to convey His Courage rather out o' th' way , And lodge in Ambush on the Floor , Or fortifi'd behind a Door , That if the Enemy should enter , He might relieve her in th' Adventure . Mean while , they knock'd against the Door , As fierce as at the Gate before ; Which made the Renegado Knight Relapse again t' his former fright . He thought it desperate to stay Till th' Enemy had forc'd his way , But rather post himself , to serve The Lady , for a fresh Reserve . His Duty was not to dispute , But what sh' had order'd execute : Which he resolv'd in haste t' obey , And therefore stoutly march'd away ; And all h' encountred fell upon , Though in the dark , and all alone . Till Fear , that braver Feats performs Than ever Courage dar'd in Arms , Had drawn him up before a Pass , To stand upon his Guard , and face . This he courageously invaded , And having enter'd , Barricado'd ; Insconc'd himself as formidable As could be underneath a Table ; Where he lay down in Ambush close , T' expect the arrival of his Foes . Few minutes had he lain perdue , To guard his desp'rate Avenue , Before he heard a dreadful shout , As loud as putting to the Rout ; With which impatiently alarm'd , He fansi'd th' Enemy had storm'd , And after entring Sidrophel Was fall'n upon the Guards pell-mell . He therefore sent out all his Senses , To bring him in Intelligences . Which Vulgars , out of ignorance , Mistake for falling in a Trance : But those that trade in Geomancy , Affirm to be the strength of Fancy : In which the Lapland-Magi deal , And things incredible reveal . Mean while the Foe beat up his Quarters , And storm'd the Out-works of his Fortress . And as another of the same Degree , and Party , in Arms and Fame , That in the same Cause had ingag'd , And War with equal conduct wag'd , By vent'ring onely but to thrust His Head a Span beyond his Post , B' a Gen'ral of the Cavaliers Was dragg ▪ d through a Window by th' Ears : So he was serv'd in his Redoubt , And by the other end pull'd out . Soon as they had him at their mercy , They put him to the Cudgel fiercely , As if they scorn'd to trade and barter , By giving or by taking Quarter : They stoutly on his Quarters laid , Until his Scouts came in t' his aid . For when a Man is past his Sense , There 's no way to reduce him thence , But twindging him by th' Ears or Nose , Or laying on of heavy Blows , And if that will not doe the Deed , To burning with Hot Irons proceed . No sooner was he come t' himself , But on his Neck a sturdy Elf Clapp'd in a trice his cloven Hoof , And thus attack'd him with Reproof . Mortal , thou art betray'd to us B' our Friend , thy evil Genius , Who for thy horrid Perjuries , Thy Breach of Faith , and turning Lies , The Brethrens Privilege ( against The Wicked ) on themselves , the Saints , Has here thy wretched Carcass sent For just Revenge and punishment ; Which thou hast now no way to lessen , But by an open , free Confession . For if we catch thee failing once , T will fall the heavier on thy Bones , What made thee venture to betray , And filch the Ladie 's Heart away ? To Spirit her to Matrimony — ? That which contracts all Matches , Money . It was th' inchantment of her Riches , That made m' apply t' your Croney Witches : That in return would pay th' expence , The Wear-and-tear of Conscience ; Which I could have patch'd up , and turn'd , For th' hundredth part of what I earn'd . Didst thou not love her then ? speak true . No more ( quoth he ) than I love you . How wouldst th' have us'd her , and her Money ? First , turn'd her up to Alimony ; And laid her Dowry out in Law , To null her Jointure with a Flaw , Which I before-hand had agreed T' have put , of purpose , in the Deed ; And bar her Widow's-making-over T' a Friend in Trust , or private Lover . What made thee pick and chuse her out , T' imploy their Sorceries about ? That which makes Gamesters play with those Who have least Wit , and most to lose . But didst thou scourge thy Vessel thus , As thou hast damn'd thy self to us ? I see you take me for an Ass : 'T is true , I thought the Trick would pass Vpon a Woman well enough , As 't has been often found by Proof ; Whose Humours are not to be won But when they are impos'd upon . For Love approves of all they doe That stand for Candidates , and wooe . Why didst thou forge those shameful Lies , Of Bears and Witches in Disguise ? That is no more than Authours give The Rabble credit to Believe ; A Trick of Following their Leaders , To entertain their Gentle Readers . And we have now no other way Of passing all we doe or say : Which when 't is natural and true , Will be believ'd b' a very few . Beside the danger of offence , The fatal enemy of Sense . Why didst thou chuse that cursed Sin , Hypocrisie , to set up in ? Because it is the thriving'st calling , The onely Saints-Bell that rings all in , In which all Church●s are concern'd , And is the easiest to be learn'd . For no degrees , unless th' imploy't , Can ever gain much , or enjoy 't . A Gift that is not onely able To domineer among the Rabble , But by the Law 's impowr'd to rout And aw the greatest that stand out . Which few hold forth against , for fear Their hands should slip , and come too near . For no Sin else among the Saints Is taught so tenderly against . What made thee break thy Plighted Vows ? That which makes others break a House , And hang , and scorn ye all , before Endure the Plague of being poor . Quoth he , I see you have more Tricks Than all our doting Politicks , That are grown old , and out of Fashion , Compar'd with your new Reformation : That we must come to School to you , To learn your more refin'd , and New . Quoth he , If you will give me leave To tell you what I now perceive , You 'ld find your self an arrant Chouse , If y' were but at a Meeting-House . 'T is true , Quoth he , we ne'r come there , Because w' have let them out by th' year . Truely , quoth he , you can't imagine What wondrous things they will engage in : That as your Fellow-Fiends in Hell Were Angels all before they fell ; So you are like to be agen Compar'd with th' Angels of us Men. Quoth he , I am resolv'd to be Thy Scholar in this Mystery ; And therefore first desire to know Some Principles on which you go . What makes a Knave a Child of God , And one of us ? — A Livelihood . What renders Beating out of Brains And Murther Godliness ? — Great Gains . What 's tender Conscience ? — 'T is a Botch That will not bear the gentlest touch , But breaking out , dispatches more Then th' Epidemical'st Plague-sore . What makes y' encroach upon our Trade , And damn all others ? — To be paid . What 's Orthodox and true Believing Against a Conscience ? — A good Living . What makes Rebelling against Kings A Good Old Cause ? Administrings . What makes all Doctrines plain and clear ? About Two hundred pounds a year . And that which was prov'd true before , Prove false again ? Two hundred more . What makes the Breaking of all Oaths A holy Duty ? Food and Cloaths . What Laws and Freedom , Persecution ? B'ing out of Pow'r , and Contribution . What makes a Church a Den of Thieves ? A Dean and Chapter , and White Sleeves . And what would serve , if those were gone , To make it Orthodox ? Our own . What makes Morality a Crime , The most notorious of the Time ? Morality , which both the Saints And Wicked too cry out against ? 'Cause Grace and Vertue are within Prohibited Degrees of Kin : And therefore no true Saint allows They should be suffer'd to espouse . For Saints can need no Conscience That with Morality dispense ; As Vertue 's impious , when 't is rooted In nature onel' , and not imputed . But why the Wicked should do so , We neither know , nor care to do . What 's Liberty of Conscience , I' th' Natural and Genuine Sense ? 'T is to restore with more security Rebellion to its ancient Purity ; And Christian Liberty reduce To th' elder Practice of the Jews . For a Large Conscience is all one , And signifies the same with None . It is enough ( quoth he ) for once , And has repriev'd thy forfeit Bones , Nick Machiavel had ne'r a Trick , ( Though he gave's Name to our Old Nick ) But was below the least of these , That pass i' th' World for Holiness . This said , the Furies and the Light In th' instant vanish'd out of sight ; And left him in the dark alone , With stinks of Brimstone , and his own . The Queen of Night , whose large Command Rules all the Sea and half the Land , And over moist and crazy Brains In high Spring-tides at Midnight reigns , Was now declining to the West , To go to Bed and take her rest . When Hudibras , whose stubborn Blows Deny'd his Bones that soft repose , Lay still expecting worse and more , Stretch'd out at length upon the Floor ; And though he shut his Eyes as fast As if h 'had been to sleep his last , Saw all the Shapes that Fear or Wizards Do make the Devil wear for Vizards . And pricking up his Ears , to hark If he could hear too in the dark , Was first invaded with a Groan , And after , in a feeble Tone , These trembling words . Vnhappy Wretch ! What hast thou gotten by this Fetch ? Or all thy Tricks in this New Trade , The Holy Brotherhood o' th' Blade ? By Santring still on some Adventure , And growing to thy Horse a Centaur , To stuff thy Skin with swelling Knobs Of cruel and hard-wooded Drubs ? For still th' hast had the worst on 't yet , As well in Conquest as defeat . Night is the Sabbath of Mankind , To rest the Body and the Mind : Which now thou art deni'd to keep , And cure thy labour'd Corps with Sleep . The Knight , who heard the words , explain'd As meant to him this Reprimand , Because the Character did hit Point-blank upon his Case so fit ; Believ'd it was some drolling Sprite That staid upon the Guards that Night , And one of those h 'had seen , and felt The Drubs he had so freely dealt . When , after a short Pause and Grone , The dolefull Spirit thus went on . This 't is t' ingage with Dogs and Bears Pelmell together by the Ears ; And after painfull Bangs and Knocks , To lie in Limbo in the Stocks ; And from the Pinacle of Glory , Fall headlong into Purgatory : ( Thought he , This Devil 's full of Malice , That on my late Disasters Rallies . ) Condemn'd to Whipping , but declin'd it , By being more Heroick-minded ; And at a Riding handled worse , With Treats more slovenly and course ; Ingag'd with Friends in stubborn Wars , And hot Disputes with Conjurers ; And when th' hadst bravely won the day , Wast fain to steal thy self away . ( I see , thought he , this shameless Elf Would fain steal me too from my self , That impudently dares to own What I have suffer'd for and done : ) And now but vent'ring to betray , Hast met with Vengeance the same way . Thought he , How does the Devil know What 't was that I design'd to do ? His Office of Intelligence , His Oracles are ceas'd long since : And he knows nothing of the Saints , But what some treacherous Spy acquaints . This is some Pettifogging Fiend , Some Under-Door-keeper's Friend's Friend , That undertakes to understand , And juggles at the Second hand ; And now would pass for Spirit Po , And all mens dark Concerns fore-know . I think I need not fear him for 't : These Rallying Devils do no hurt . With that he rouz'd his drooping Heart , And hastily cry'd out , What art ? A Wretch ( quoth he ) whom want of Grace Has brought to this unhappy place . I do believe thee , quoth the Knight , Thus far I 'm sure th' art in the Right ; And know what 't is that troubles thee , Better than thou hast ghess'd of me . Thou art some paltry Black-guard Sprite , Condemn'd to Drudg'ry in the Night , That hast no work to do in th' House , Nor Half-penny to drop in Shoes : Without the raising of which Sum , You dare not be so troublesome , To pinch the Slatterns black and blue , For leaving you their Work to do . This is your business , good Pug Robin , And your Diversion dull Dry Bobbing ; T' intice Fanaticks in the Dirt , And wash 'em clean in Ditches for 't . Of which conceit you are so proud , At ev'ry Jest you laugh aloud . As now you would have done by me , But that I barr'd your Rallery . Sir , ( quoth the Voice ) y' are no such Sophy As you would have the World judge of ye , If you design to weigh our Talents I' th' Standard of your own false Balance , Or think it possible to know Vs Ghosts as well as we do you : We , who have been the everlasting Companions of your Drubs and Basting , And never left you in Contest With Male or Female , Man or Beast , But prov'd as true t' ye and intire In all adventures as your Squire , Quoth he , That may be said as true By th' idlest Pug of all your Crew : For none could have betray'd us worse Than those Allies of ours and yours . But I have sent him for a Token To your Low-Countrey Hogen Mogen , To whose Infernal Shores I hope He 'l swing like Skippers in a Rope . And if y' have been more just to me ( As I am apt to think ) than he , I am afraid it is as true , What th' Ill-affected say of you , Y' have 'spous'd the Covenant and Cause , By holding up your Cloven Paws . Sir , quoth the Voice , 't is true , I grant , We made and took the Covenant . But that no more concerns the Cause , Then other Perj'ries doe the Laws , Which when they 're prov'd in open Court , Wear wooden Peccadillo's for't . And that 's the Reason Cov'nanters Held up their Hands , like Rogues at Bars . I see , quoth Hudibras , from whence These Scandals of the Saints commence , That are but natural Effects Of Satan's Malice , and his Sects , Those Spider-Saints , that hang by Threds Spun out of th' Entrals of their Heads . Sir , quoth the Voice , that may as true And properly be said of you ; Whose Talents may compare with either , Or both the other put together . For all the Independents do Is onely what you forc'd them to . You , who are not content alone With Tricks to put the Devil down , But must have Armies rais'd , to back The Gospel-work you undertake : As if Artillery , and Edge-tools Were th' onely Engines to save Souls . While He , poor Devil , has no pow'r By force to run down and devour ; Has ne'r a Classis , cannot sentence To Stools or Poundage of Repentance ; Is ti'd up onely to Design , T' Intice , and Tempt , and Vndermine : In which you all his Arts out-do , And prove your selves his Betters too . Hence 't is Possessions do less evil Than mere Temptations of the Devil , Which all the horrid'st Actions done , Are charg'd in Courts of Law upon ; Because unless you help the Elf , He can do little of himself : And therefore where he 's best Possest , Acts most against his Interest ; Surprises none but those wh' have Priests To turn him out , and Exorcists , Supply'd with Spiritual Provision , And Magazines of Ammunition , With Crosses , Relicks , Crucifixes , Beads , Pictures , Rosaries , and Pixes , The Tools of working out Salvation By meer Mechanick Operation , With Holy Water , like a Sluce , To overflow all Avenues . But those wh' are utterly unarm'd T' oppose his Entrance if he storm'd , He never offers to suprize ; Although his falsest Enemies ; But is content to be their Drudge , And on their Errands glad to trudge . For where are all your Forfeitures Intrusted in safe hands , but ours ? Who are but Jailors of the Holes And Dungeons where you clap up Souls ; Like Vnder-keepers , turn the Keys T' your Mittimus Anathemaes ; And never boggle to restore The Members you deliver o're Vpon Demand , with fairer Justice Than all your Covenanting Trustees : Vnless , to punish them the worse , You put them in the Secular Pow'rs , And pass their Souls as some demise The same Estate in Mortgage twice , When to a Legal Vtlegation You turn your Excommunication , And for a Groat unpai'd that 's due , Distrain on Soul and Body too . Thought he , 'T is no mean part of civil State-prudence to cajoul the Devil , And not to handle him too rough , When h' has us in his cloven Hoof. 'T is true , quoth he , that intercourse Has past between your Friends and ours ; That as you trust us in our way , To raise your Members , and to lay , We send you others of our own , Denounc'd to Hang themselves or Drown , Or , frighted with our Oratory , To leap down headlong many a story ; Have us'd all means to propagate Your mighty interests of State , Laid out our Spiritual Gifts to further Your great designs of Rage and Murther . For if the Saints are nam'd from Blood , We onel' have made that Title good : And if it were but in our power , We should not scruple to do more , And not be half a Soul behind Of all Dissenters of Mankind . Right , quoth the Voice , and as I scorn To be ungratefull in return Of all those kind good Offices , I 'll free you out of this Distress , And set you down in safety , where , It is no time to tell you here . The Cock crows and the Morn draws on , When 't is decreed I must be gone : And if I leave you here till day , You 'l find it hard to get away . With that the Spirit grop'd about , To find th' inchanted Hero out , And try'd with haste to lift him up ; But found his Forlorn Hope , his Croop , Unserviceable with Kicks and Blows Receiv'd from hardned-hearted Foes . He thought to drag him by the Heels , Like Gresham Carts , with Legs for Wheels . But Fear , that soonest cures those Sores , In danger of Relapse to worse , Came in t' assist him with its Aid , And up his sinking Vessel weigh'd . No sooner was he fit to trudge , But both made ready to dislodge . The Spirit hors'd him like a Sack , Upon the Vehicle , his Back , And bore him headlong into th' Hall , With some few Rubs against the Wall . Where finding out the Postern lock'd , And th' Avenues as strongly block'd , H'attack'd the Window , storm'd the Glass , And in a moment gain'd the Pass , Through which he dragg'd the worsted Souldiers Fore-quarters out by th' Head and Shoulders ; And cautiously began to scout , To find their Fellow-Cattel out . Nor was it half a Minute's Quest , E're he retriev'd the Champion's Beast , Ty'd to a Pale in stead of Rack , But ne'r a Saddle on his Back , Nor Pistols at the Saddle-bow , Convey'd away the Lord knows how . He thought it was no time to stay , And let the Night too steal away , But in a trice advanc'd the Knight Upon the Bare Ridge bolt upright . And groping out for Ralpho 's Jade , He found the Saddle too was straid , And in the place a Lump of Sope , On which he speedily leap'd up ; And turning to the Gate the Rein , He Kick'd and Cudgell'd on amain . While Hudibras , with equal haste , On both sides laid about as fast , And spurr'd as Jockies use , to break , Or Padders , to secure a Neck . Where let us leave them for a time , And to their Churches turn our Rhyme ; To hold forth their declining State , Which now come near an Even Rate .

THE ARGUMENT OF THE SECOND CANTO Of the Third Part. The Saints engage in fierce Contests About their Carnal Interests ; To share their Sacrilegious Preys , According to their Rates of Grace ; Their various Frenzies to Reform , When Cromwel left them in a Storm : Till , in th' Effigie of RUMPS , the Rabble Burns all their Grandees of the Cabal . CANTO II. THE Learned write , An Insect Breeze Is but a Mungrel Prince of Bees , That falls , before a Storm , on Cows , And stings the Founders of his House ; From whose corrupted Flesh that Breed Of Vermine did at first proceed . So , e'r the Storm of War broke out , Religion spawn'd a various Rout , Of Petulant Capricious Sects , The Maggots of Corrupted Texts , That first run all Religion down , And after every Swarm its own . For as the Persian Magi once Upon their Mothers got their Sons , Who were incapable t' injoy That Empire any other way : So Presbyter begot the other Upon the Good Old Cause , his Mother , That bore them like the Devil's Dam , Whose Son and Husband are the same . And yet no nat'ral Tie of Blood , Nor Intr'est for their common good , Could , when their Profits interfear'd , Get Quater for each other's Beard . For when they thriv'd , they never fadg'd , But onely by the ears engag'd : Like Dogs that snarl about a Bone , And play together when th' have none . As by their truest Characters , Their constant Actions , plainly appears . Rebellion now began for lack Of Zeal and Plunder to grow slack ; The Cause and Covenant to lessen , And Providence to b' out of Season : For now there was no more to purchase , O' th' Kings Revenue and the Churche's , But all divided , shar'd and gone , That us'd to urge the Brethren on . Which forc'd the Stubborn'st for the Cause To cross the Cudgels to the Laws ; That what by breaking them 't had gain'd , By their Support might be maintain'd : Like Thieves , that in a Hemp-plot lie , Secur'd against the Hue-and-Cry . For Presbyter and Independent Were now turn'd Plaintiff Defendant , Laid out their Apostolick Functions On Carnal Orders and Injunctions , And all their Precious Gifts and Graces On Out-lawries and Scire facias ; At Michael ' s Term had many a Trial , Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael , Where thousands fell , in shape of Fees , Into the Bottomless Abyss . For when like Brethren and Friends , They came to share their Dividends , And ev'ry part'ner to possess His Church and State Joynt-Purchases , In which the Ablest Saint and Best Was nam'd in Trust by all the rest , To pay their Money , and , instead Of ev'ry Brother , pass the Deed ; He straight converted all his Gifts To pious Frauds and holy Shifts , And settled all the others Shares Upon his outward Man and 's Heirs ; Held all they claim'd as Forfeit Lands , Deliver'd up into his hands , And past upon his Conscience , By Pre-intail of Providence ; Impeach'd the rest for Reprobates , That had no Titles to Estates , But by their Spiritual Attaints Degraded from the Right of Saints . This being reveal'd , they now begun With Law and Conscience to fall on ; And laid about as hot and Brain-sick As th' Vtter Barrister of Swanswick ; Ingag'd with Money-bags , as bold As men with Sand-bags did of old ; That brought the Lawyers in more Fees , Than all unsanctifi'd Trustees : Till he who had no more to show I' th' Case , receiv'd the overthrow ; Or both sides having had the worst , They parted as they met at first . Poor Presbyter was now Reduc'd , Secluded , and Cashier'd , and Chews'd , Turn'd out and Excommunicate From all Affairs of Church and State , Reform'd t' a Reformado Saint , And glad to turn Itinerant , To strowl and teach from Town to Town , And those he had taught up Teach down , And make those Uses serve agen Against the New-inlight'ned men , As fit as when at first they were Reveal'd against the Cavalier ; Damn Anabaptist and Fanatick , As pat as Popish and Prelatick ; And with as little variation , To serve for any Sect i' th' Nation . The Good Old Cause , which some believe To be the Dev'l that tempted Eve With Knowledge , and does still invite The World to Mischief with New Light , Had store of Money in her Purse , When he took her for bett'r or worse ; But now was grown Deform'd and Poor , And fit to be turn'd out of Door . The Independents ( whose first station Was in the Rere of Reformation , A Mungrel kind of Church-Dragoons , That serv'd for Horse and Foot at once , And in the Saddle of one Steed The Saracen and Christian rid , Were Free of ev'ry Spiritual Order , To Preach , and Fight , and Pray , and Murther ) No sooner got the Start to lurch Both Disciplines , of War and Church , And Providence enough to run The chief Commanders of 'em down , But carried on the War against The Common Enemy o' th' Saints ; And in a while prevail'd so far , To win of them the Game of War , And be at Liberty once more , T' Attack themselves as th' had before . For now there was no Foe in Arms , T' unite their Factions with Alarms , But all reduc'd and overcome , Except their worst , themselves at home , Wh ' had compast all they Praid , and Swore , And Fought , and Preach'd , and Plunder'd for , Subdu'd the Nation , Church and State , And all things but their Laws and Hate , But when they came to treat and transact , And share the spoils of all th' had ransackt , To Botch up what th' had torn and rent , Religion and the Government , They met no sooner , but prepar'd To pull down all the War had spar'd ; Agreed in nothing but t' Abolish , Subvert , Extirpate , and Demolish . For Knaves and Fools b'ing near of Kin , As Dutch-Boors are t' a Sooterkin , Both Parties joyn'd to do their best , To Damn the Publick Interest ; And Hearded onely in Consults To put by one anothers Bolts , T' out-cant the Babylonian Labourers , At all their Dialects of Jabberers , And tug at both ends of the Saw , To tear down Government and Law . For , as two Cheats , that play one Game , Are both defeated of their Aim : So those who play a Game of State , And onely Cavil in Debate , Although there 's nothing lost nor won , The Publick Business is undone , Which still the longer 't is in doing , Becomes the surer way to Ruine . This when the Royalists perceiv'd , ( Who to their Faith as firmly cleav'd , And own'd the Right they had paid down So dearly for , The Church and Crown , ) Th' united constanter , and Sided The more , the more their Foes divided . For though out-number'd , overthrown , And by the Fate of War run down ; Their Duty never was defeated , Nor from their Oaths and Faith retreated . For Loyalty is still the same , Whether it win or lose the Game ; True as a Dial to the Sun , Although it be not shin'd upon . But when these Bretheren in evil , Their Adversaries and the Devil , Began once more to shew them Play , And hopes , at least , to have a day , They rallied in Parades of Woods , And unfrequented Solitudes , Conven'd at Midnight in Out-houses , T' appoint New-rising Rendezvouzes , And with a Pertinacy unmatch'd For new Recruits of Danger watch'd : No sooner was one Blow diverted , But up another Party started . And , as if Nature too in haste , To furnish out Supplies as fast , Before her time had turn'd Destruction T' a new and numerous Production ; No sooner those were overcome , But up rose others in their Room , That like the Christian Faith , increast The more , the more they were Supprest : Whom neither Chains nor Transportation , Proscription , Sale , nor Confiscation , Nor all the desperate events Of former try'd Experiments , Nor Wounds could terrifie , nor Mangling To leave off Loyalty and Dangling , Nor Death ( with all his Bones ) affright From vent'ring to maintain the Right , From staking Life and Fortune down 'Gainst all together , for the Crown ; But kept the Title of their Cause From Forfeiture , like Claims in Laws : And prov'd no Prosp'rous Usurpation Can ever settle on the Nation , Until , in spight of Force and Treason , They put their Loy'lty in Possession ; And by their Constancy and Faith , Destroy'd the Mighty men of Gath. Toss'd in a furious Hurricane , Did Oliver give up his Reign ; And was believ'd , as well by Saints , As Moral men and Miscreants , To Founder in the Stygian Ferry , Until he was retriev'd by Sterry : Who , in a false erroneous Dream , Mistook the New Jerusalem , Prophanely , for th' Apocryphal , False Heaven at the End o' th' Hall ; Whether it was decreed by Fate , His Precious Reliques to Translate . So Romulus was seen before B' as Orthhodox a Senator ; From whose Divine Illumination He stole the Pagan Revelation . Next him his Son and Heir Apparent Succeeded , though a Lame Vicegerent : Who first laid by the Parliament , The onely Crutch on which he leant ; And then Sunk underneath the State , That rode him above Horseman's Weight . And now the Saints began their Reign , For which th' had yearn'd so long in vain , And felt such Bowel-Hankerings , To see an Empire all of Kings , Deliver'd from th' Aegyptian Awe Of Justice , Government , and Law , And free t' erect what Spiritual Cantons Should be reveal'd , or Gospel Hans-Towns , To Edifie upon the Ruines Of John of Leyden's old Out-goings , Who for a Weather-cock hung up Upon their Mother-Churche's Top , Was made a Type by Providence Of all their Revelations since ; And now fulfill'd by his Successors , Who eqally mistook their Measures : For when they came to shape the Model , Not one could fit another's Noddle ; But found their Light and Gifts more wide From Fadging then th' Unsanctifi'd ; While ev'ry individual Brother Strove hand to fist against another , And still the Maddest and most Crackt , Were found the Busiest to Transact . For though most Hands dispatch apace And make light work , ( the Proverb says ) Yet many different Intellects Are found t' have contrary Effects ; And many Heads t' obstruct Intrigues , As slowest Insects have most Legs . Some were for seting up a King , But all the rest for no such thing , Unless King Jesus : Others tamper'd For Fleetwood , Desbrough , and Lambert ; Some for the Rump , and some more crafty , For Agitatours and the Safety ; Some for the Gospel , and Massacres Of Spiritual Affidavit-makers , That swore to any Humane Regence Oaths of Supremacy and Allegiance , Yea though the Ablest swearing Saint , That vouch'd the Bulls o' th' Covenant : Others for pulling down the High places Of Synods and Provincial Classes , That us'd to make such hostile Inroads Upon the Saints , like Bloudy Nimrods : Some for Fulfilling Prophecies , And th' Extirpation of Excise ; And some against th' Aegyptian Bondage Of Holy days , and paying Poundage : Some for the cutting down of Groves , And rectifying Bakers Loaves ; And some for finding out Expedients Against the Slav'ry of Obedience . Some were for Gospel-Ministers , And some for Read-Coat Seculars , As men most fit t' hold forth the Word , And wield the one and th' other Sword , Some were for carrying on the Work Against the Pope , and some the Turk : Some for engaging to suppress The Camisado of Surplices , The Gifts and Dispensations hinder'd , And Turn'd to th' Outward man the Inward ; More proper for the cloudy Night Of Popery , then Gospel-Light . Others were for Abolishing That Tool of Matrimony , a Ring , With which th' unsanctifi'd Bridegroom Is marry'd onely to a Thumb ; ( As wise as Ringing of a Pig . That uses to break up Ground and Dig ; ) The Bride to nothing but her Will , That nulls the After-marriage still . Some were for th' utter Extirpation Of Linsey-Woolsey in the Nation ; And some against all Idolizing The Cross in Shop-Books , or Baptizing . Others , to make all things recant The Christian or Surname of Saint ; And force all Churches , Streets , and Towns , The Holy Title to renounce . Some 'gainst a Third Estate of Souls , And bringing down the Price of Coals . Some for Abolishing Black-pudding , And eating nothing with the Blood in ; To abrogate them Roots and Branches ; While others were for eating Haunches Of Warriors , and now and then The Flesh of Kings and Mighty Men ; And some for Breaking of their Bones With Rods of Ir'n by Secret ones ; For Thrashing Mountains , and with Spells For Hallowing Carriers Packs and Bells . Things that the Legend never heard of , But made the Wicked sore afeard of . The Quacks of Government ( who sate At th' unregarded Helm of State , And understood , this wild Confusion Of fatal Madness and Delusion , Must , sooner then a Prodigie , Portend Destruction to be nigh ) Consider'd timely , how t' withdraw And save their Wind-pipes from the Law : For one Rencounter at the Bar Was worse then all th' had scap'd in War : And therefore met in Consultation , To Cant and Quack upon the Nation ; Not for the sickly Patient's sake , Nor what to give , but what to take ; To feel the Pulses of their Fees , More wise then fumbling Arteries ; Prolong the Snuff of Life in Pain , And from the Grave recover — Gain . 'Mong these there was a Politician , With more Heads then a Beast in vision , And more Intrigues in ev'ry one Then all the Whores of Babylon . So politick , as if one eye Upon the other were a Spy ; That to trapan the one to think The other Blind , both strove to blink : And in his dark Pragmatick way As busie as a Child at Play . H 'had seen three Governments Run down , And had a hand in ev'ry one , Was for 'em and against 'em all , But Barb'rous when they came to fall : For by Trapanning th' old to Ruine , He made his Int'rest with the New one ; Plaid true and faithful , though against His Conscience and was still advanc'd . For by the Witch-craft of Rebellion Transform'd t' a feeble State-Camelion , By giving aim from side to side , He never fail'd to save his Tide , But got the Start of ev'ry State , And at a Change ne'r came too late : Could turn his Word , and Oath , and Faith , As many ways as in a Lath ; By turning , wriggle , like a Screw Int' highest Trust , and out for New . For when h 'had happily incurr'd , In stead of Hemp , to be preferr'd , And past upon a Government , He play'd his trick and out he went : But being out , and out of hopes To mount his Ladder ( more ) of Ropes , Would strive to raise himself upon The Publick Ruine and his own . So little did he understand The desp'rate Feats he took in hand . For when h 'had got himself a Name . For Fraud and Tricks ; he spoil'd his Game , Had forc'd his Neck into a Nooze , To shew his play at Fast and Loose ; And when he chanc'd t' escape , mistook For Art and Subtlety , his Luck . So right his Judgment was cut fit , And made a Tally to his Wit , And both together most Profound At Deeds of Darkness under Ground : As th' Earth is easiest undermin'd By Vermin Impotent and Blind . By all these Arts , and many more H' had practis'd long and much before , Our State-Artificer foresaw Which way the World began to draw . For as Old Sinners have all Points , O' th' Compass in their Bones and Joints , Can by their Pangs and Aches find All Turns and Changes of the Wind , And better then by Napier 's Bones , Feel in their own the Age of Moons : So guilty Sinners in a State Can by their Grimes prognosticate , And in their Consciences feel Pain Some days before a Show'r of Rain . He therefore wisely cast about All ways he could , t' insure his Throat ; And hither came t' observe and smoke What Courses other Riskers took ; And to the utmost doe his best To Save himself , and Hang the rest . To match this Saint , there was another , As busie and perverse a Brother , An Haberdasher of Small-wares In Politicks and State-Affairs ; More Jew then Rabbi Achitophel , And better gifted to Rebel : For when h 'had taught his Tribe to Spouse The Cause , aloft , upon one House , He scorn'd to set his own in Order , But try'd another , and went further ; So sullenly addicted still To 's onely Principle , his Will , That whatsoe'r it chanc'd to prove , No force of Argument could move , Nor Law , nor Cavalcade of Ho'born , Could render half a grain less stubborn , For he at any time would hang , For th' opportunity t' harangue , And rather on a Gibbet dangle , Then miss his dear delight , to wrangle : In which his Parts were so accomplisht , That , right or wrong , he ne'r was non-plust ; But still his Tongue ran on , the less Of weight it bore , with greater ease , And with its Everlasting Clack Set all mens Ears upon the Rack . No sooner could a hint appear , But up he started to Pickere , And made the stoutest yield to mercy , When he ingag'd in Controversie ; Not by the froce of Carnal Reason , But indefatigable Teazing ; With Volleys of eternal Babble , And Clamour more unanswerable . For though his Topicks , frail and weak , Could near amount above a Freak : He still maintain'd 'em , like his Faults , Against the desperat'st Assaults ; And back'd their feeble want of Sense With greater Heat and Confidence : As Bones of Hectors when they differ , The more th' are Cudgel'd , grow the Stiffer . Yet when his Profit moderated , The fury of his Heat abated : For nothing but his Interest Could lay his Devil of Contest . It was his Choice , or Chance , or Curse , T' espouse the Cause for Bett'r or worse ; And with his worldly Goods and Wit , And Soul , and Body , worshipp'd it : But when he found the sullen Trapes Possest with th' Devil , Worms , and Claps , The Trojan Mare in Fole with Greeks Not half so full of Jadish Tricks , Though Squeamish in her outward Woman , As loose and rampant as Dol common ; He still resolv'd to mend the matter , T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ; And still the skittisher and looser Her Freaks appear'd , to sit the closer . For Fools are stuborn in their way ; As Coins are hardned by th' Allay : And Obstinacy's ne'r so stiff , As when 't is in a wrong Belief . These two , with others , being met , And close in Consultation set ; After a discontented pause , And not without sufficient cause , The Oratour we mention'd late , Less troubled with the pangs of State , Then with his own impatience , To give himself first Audience , After he had a while look'd wise , At last broke silence , and the Ice . Quoth he , There 's nothing makes me doubt Our last Out-goings brought about , More then to see the Characters Of real Jealousies and Fears , Not feign'd , as once , but sadly horrid , Scor'd upon ev'ry Member's Fore-head , Who , 'cause the Clouds are drawn together , And threaten sudden change of Weather , Feel Pangs and Aches of State-turns , And Revolutions in their Corns ; And , since our Workings-out are crost , Throw up the Cause before tis ' lost . Was it to run away , we meant , When , takeing of the Covenant , The lamest Cripples of the Brothers Took Oaths , to run before all others ; But , in their own sense , onely swore To strive to run away before ? And now would prove , the Words and Oath Ingage us to renounce them both ? 'T is true , the Cause is in the lurch , Between a right and Mungrel Church , The Presbyter and Independent , That stickle which shall make an end on 't : And 't was made out to us the last Expedient , — ( I mean , Margret's Fast ) When Providence had been suborn'd , What answer was to be return'd . Else why should Tumults fright us now , We have so many times gone through , And understand as well to tame , As , when they serve our turns , t' inflame ? Have prov'd how inconsiderable Are all Engagements of the Rabble , Whose Frenzies must be reconcil'd With Drums and Rattles like a Child ; But never prov'd so prosperous , As when they were led on by us . For all our Scouring of Religion Began with Tumults and Sedition ; When Hurricanes of fierce Commotion Became strong Motives to Devotion ; ( As Carnal Sea-men in a Storm Turn pious Converts , and reform ; ) When rusty Weapons with chalk'd Edges Maintain'd our feeble Priviledges , And brown Bills levied in the City Made Bills to pass the Grand Committee ; When Zeal with aged Clubs and Gleaves Gave chase to Rochets and White Sleeves , And made the Church and State and Laws Submit t' old Iron and the Cause , And as we thriv'd by Tumults then , So might we better now agen , If we know how , as then we did , To use them rightly in our need . Tumults by which the Mutinous Betray themselves in stead of us ; The Hollow-hearted Disaffected , And Close Malignant are detected ; Who lay their Lives and Fortunes down , For Pledges to secure our own , And freely sacrifice their Ears , T' appease our Jealousies and Fears . And yet for all these Providences W' are offer'd , if we had our senses , We idly sit , like stupid Block-heads , Our hands committed to our Pockets , And nothing but our Tongues at large , To get the Wretches a discharge . Like men condemn'd to Thunderbolts , Who , e'r the blow , become meer Dolts ; Or Fools besotted with their Crimes , That know not how to shift betimes , And neither have they hearts to stay , Nor wit enough to run away . Who , if we could resolve on either , Might stand , or fall ( at least ) together : No mean nor trivial solaces To Partners in extream distress , Who use to lessen their Despairs , By parting them in t' equal shares ; As if the more there were to bear , They felt the weight the easier ; And ev'ry one the gentler hung , The more he took his turn among . But 't is not come to that as yet , If we had Courage left or Wit ; Who , when our Fate can be no worse , Are fitted for the bravest course ; Have time to Rally , and prepare Our last and best defence , Despair ; Despair , by which the gallant'st Feats Have been atchiev'd in greatest streights , And horrid'st dangers safely wav'd , By b'ing courageously out-brav'd . As Wounds by wider wounds are heal'd , And Poisons by themselves expell'd . And so they might be now agen , If we were , what we should be , Men ; And not so dully desperate , To side against our selves with Fate : As Criminals condemn'd to suffer , Are blinded first , and then turn'd over . This comes of Breaking Covenants , And setting up Exauns of Saints , That Fine , like Aldermen , for Grace , To be excus'd the Efficace , For Spiritual men are too Transcendent , That mount their Banks for Independent , To hang like Mahomet in th' Air , Or St. Ignatius at his Prayer , By pure Geometry , and hate Dependency on Church or State ; Disdain the Pedantry o' th' Letter , And since Obedience is better ( The Scripture says ) than Sacrifice , Presume the less on 't will suffice ; And scorn to have the moderat'st stints Prescrib'd their peremptory Hints , Or any Opinion , true or false , Declar'd as such , in Doctrinals , But lest at large to make their best on , Without b'ing call'd t' account or question . Interpret all the Spleen reveals , As Whittington explain'd the Bells ; And bid themselves turn back agen Lord May'rs of New Jerusalem ; But look so big and overgrown , They scorn their Edifiers t' own , Who taught them all their sprinkling Lessons , Their Tones and sanctify'd expressions ; Bestow'd their Gifts upon a Saint , Like Charity on those that want , And learn'd th' Apocryphal Bigots , T' inspire themselves with Short-hand Notes : For which they scorn and hate them worse Than Dogs and Cats do Sowgelders . For who first bred them up to pray , And teach , the House of Commons way ? Where had they all their Gifted Phrases , But from our Calamies and Cases ? Without whose Sprinkling and Sowing , Who e'r had heard of Nye or Owen ? Their dispensations had been stifled , But for our Adoniram Bifield . And had They not begun the War , Th' had ne'r been Sainted as they are . For Saints in Peace degenerate , And dwindle down to Reprobate : Their Zeal corrupts like standing Water , In th' Intervals of War and slaughter ; Abates the sharpness of its Edge , Without the Pow'r of Sacriledge , And though th' have Tricks to cast their Sins , As easie as Serpents do their Skins , That in a while grow out agen , In Peace they turn meer Carnal men , And from the most Refin'd of Saints , As naturally grow Miscreants As Barnacles turn Soland-Geese , In th' Islands of the Orcades . Their Dispensation's but a Ticket , For their conforming to the Wicked ; With whom their greatest difference Lies more in words and shew , than sense For as the Pope , that keeps the Gate Of Heaven , wears three Crowns in state ; So he that keeps the Gate of Hell , Proud Cerberus , wears three Heads as well : And , if the World has any troth , Some have been Canoniz'd in both , But that which does them greatest harm , Their Spiritual Gizzards are too warm , Which puts the over-heated Sots In Fever still , like other Goats . For though the Whore bends Hereticks With Flames of Fire , like crooked Sticks ; Our Schismaticks so vastly differ , Th' hotter th' are they grow the stiffer ; Still setting off their spiritu●l goods , With fierce and pertinacious fewds . For Zeal's a dreadful Tarmagant , That teaches Saints to tear and rant , And Independents , to profess The Doctrine of Dependences ; Turns meek and sneaking Secret ones , To Raw-heads fierce and bloody Bones : And not content with endless quarrels Against the Wicked and their Morals , The Gibellins , for want of Guelfs , Divert their rage upon themselves . For now the War is not between The Brethren and the Men of sin ; But Saint and Saint , to spill the Blood Of one another's Brotherhood ; Where neither side can lay pretence To Liberty of Conscience , Or zealous suff'ring for the Cause , To gain one Groats-worth of Applause : For though endur'd with Resolution , ●Twill ne'r amount to Persecution . Shall Precious Saints and Secret ones Break one another's outward Bones ? And eat the Flesh of Brethren , In stead of Kings and Mighty men ? When Fiends agree among themselves , Shall they be found the greater Elves ? When Bel's at Vnion with the Dragon , And Baal-Peor Friends with Dagon , When Savage Bears agree with Bears , Shall Secret ones lug Saints by th' Ears , And not alone their fatal wrath , When common Danger threatens both ? Shall Mastiffs by the Collars pull'd , Engag'd with Bulls , let go their hold ? And Saints , whose Necks are pawn'd at stake , No notice of the Danger take ? But though no Pow'r of Heaven or Hell Can pacifie Fanatick Zeal ; Who would not guess there might be hopes , The fear of Gallowses and Ropes Before their Eyes might reconcile Their Animosities a while ? At least , until th' had a clear Stage , And equal Freedom to engage , Without the danger of Surprise By both our common Enemies ? This none but we alone could doubt , Who understand their Workings-out , And know 'em both in Soul and Conscience , Giv'n up t' as Reprobate a Non-sense , As Spiritual Out-laws whom the Pow'r Of Miracle can ne'r restore . We , whom at first they set up under , In Revelation onely of Plunder , Who since have had so many Trials Of their encroaching Self-denials , That rook'd upon us with design To Out-reform and Vndermine ; Took all our Interests and Commands Perfidiously out of our hands ; Involv'd us in the Guilt of Blood , Without the Motive-gains allow'd , And made us serve as Ministerial , Like younger Sons of Father Belial . And yet for all th' inhumane wrong Th' had done us and the Cause so long , We never fail'd to carry on The Work still as we had begun : But true and faithfully obey'd , And neither preach'd them hurt , nor pray'd ; Nor troubled them to crop our Ears , Nor hang us like the Cavaliers ; Nor put them to the Charge of Gaols , To find us Pillories and Carts-tails , Or Hang-man's Wages , which the State Was forc'd ( before them ) to be at , That cut like Tallies to the Stumps Our Ears for keeping true Accompts , And burnt our Vessels , like a New-Seal'd Peck or Bushel , for b'ing true . But hand in hand , like faithfull Brothers , Held forth the Cause against all others , Disdaining equally to yield One Syllable of what we held . And though we differ'd now and then 'Bout outward things , and outward Men : Our inward Men and constant Frame Of Spirit still were near the same . And till they first began to Cant , And Sprinkle down the Covenant , We ne'r had Call in any place , Nor dream'd of Teaching down Free-Grace ; But join'd our Gifts perpetually Against the Common Enemy : Although 't was our and their Opinion , Each other 's Church was but a Rimmon . And yet for all this Gospel-Vnion , And outward shew of Church-Communion , They 'l ne'r admit us to our shares , Of Ruling Church or State Affairs ; Nor give us leave t' absolve , or sentence T' our own Conditions of Repentance : But shar'd our Dividend o' th' Crown We had so painfully Preach'd down ; And forc'd us , though against the Grain , T' have Calls to teach it up again . For 't was but Justice to Restore The wrongs we had receiv'd before ; And then 't was held forth in our way , W' had been ungrateful not to pay : Who for the Right w' have done the Nation , Have earn'd our Temporal Salvation , And put our Vessels in a way , Once more to come again in Play . For if the turning of us out , Has brought this Providence about , And that our onely Suffering Is able to bring in the King : What would our Actions not have done , Had we been suffer'd to go on ? And therefore may pretend t' a share At least in carrying on th' Affair . But whether that be so or not , W' have done enough to have it thought ; And that 's as good as if w' had don 't , And easier past upon account . For if it be but half deny'd , 'T is half as good as justify'd . The World is nat'rally averse To all the truth it sees or hears , But swallows Non-sense and a Lie With greediness and gluttony ; And though it have the Pique , and long , 'T is still for something in the wrong : As Women long , when th' are with Child For things extravagant and wild , For Meats ridiculous , and fulsom , But seldom any thing that 's wholsom ; And , like the World , Men's Jobbernoles Turn round upon their Ears , the Poles ; And what th' are confidently told , By no sense else can be controll'd . And this , perhaps , may prove the means , Once more , to hedge in Providence . For , as Relapses make Diseases More disp'rate than their first Accesses ; If we but get again in Pow'r , Our Work is easier than before ; And we more ready and expert I' th' Mystery , to do our Part. We , who did rather undertake The first War to create , than make : And when of Nothing 't was begun , Rais'd Funds as strange , to carry 't on ; Trepann'd the State , and fac'd it down , With Plots and Projects of our own : And if we did such Feats at first , What can we now w' are better vers'd ? Who have a freer Latitude Then Sinners give themselves allow'd ? And therefore likeliest to bring in On fairest Terms , our Discipline . To which it was reveal'd long since , We were ordain'd by Providence : When Three Saints Ears , our Predecessors , The Cause 's Primitive Confessors , B'ing Crucified , the Nation stood In just so many Years of Blood : That multipli'd by Six , express'd The perfect Number of the Beast . And prov'd that we must be the Men. To bring this Work about agen : And those who laid the first Foundation , Compleat the thorow Reformation : For who have Gifts to carry on So great a Work , but we alone ? What Churches have such able Pastors ? And Precious , Powerful , Preaching-Masters ? Possess'd with Absolute Dominions , O're Brethren's Purses and Opinions ? And trusted with the Double Keys Of Heaven , and their Ware-houses : Who , when the Cause is in Distress , Can furnish out what Sums they please , That Brooding lie in Bankers Hands , To be dispos'd at their Commands : And daily increase and multiply , With Doctrine , Vse and Vsury . Can fetch in Parties ( as in War , All other Heads of Cattel are ; ) From the Enemy of all Religions , As well as High and Low Conditions ; And share them from Blew Ribbands down . To all Blew Aprons in the Town . From Ladies hurried in Calleches , With Cornets at their Footmen's Breeches , To Bawds as fat as Mother Nab , All Guts and Belly like a Crab. Our Party 's great , and better ti'd With Oaths , and Trade , than any side : Has one considerabl' Improvement , To double fortifie the Cov'nant ; I mean our Covenants to purchase Delinquents Titles and the Churches : That pass in Sale , from Hand , to Hand , Among our selves , for Current Land . And Rise or Fall , like Indian Actions , According to the Rate of Factions : Our best Reserve for Reformation , When New-Out-goings give occasion : That keeps the Loins of Brethren girt , The Covenant ( their Creed ) t' assert : And when th' have pack'd a Parliament , Will once more try th' Expedient , Who can already muster Friends , To serve for Members , to our Ends : That represent no part o' th' Nation , But Fisher's - Folly Congregation : Are only Tools to our Intrigues , And sit like Geese to hatch our Eggs : Who , by their Precedents of Wit , T' out-fast , out-leiter , and out-sit : Can order matters under hand , To put all Bus'ness to a stand : Lay Publick Bills aside , for Private , And make 'em one another drive out ; Divert the Great and Necessary , With Trifles to contest and vary ; And make the Nation represent , And serve for us in Parliament ; Cut out more Work than can be done On Plato's Year ; but finish none , Vnless it be the Bulls of Lenthal , That always past for Fundamental . Can set up Grandee against Grandee , To squander time away , and Bandy . Make Lords and Commoners lay Sieges To one another's Privileges ; And , rather than compound the Quarrel , Engage to th' inevitable peril Of both their Ruins ; th' only Scope And Consolation of our Hope : Who , tho we do not play the Game , Assist as much by giving Aim . Can introduce our ancient Arts , For Heads of Factions , t' act their Parts . Know what a Leading-Voice is worth ; A Seconding , a Third , or Fourth : How much a Casting Vote comes to , That turns up Trump , of I , or No ; And by Adjusting at th' End , Share ev'ry one his Dividend . An Art that so much Study cost . And now 's in danger to be lost ; Vnless our Ancient Virtuoso's , That found it out , get into th' Houses . These are the Courses that we took To carry things , by Hook , or Crook : And parctic'd down from Forty Four , Vntill they turn'd us out of Door ; Besides the Herds of Boutefeus , We set on work , without the House . When ev'ry Knight and Citizen Kept Legislative Journey-men , To bring them in Intelligence From all Points of the Rabbles Sense ; And fill the Lobbies of both Houses With Politick Important Buzzes : Set up Committees of Cabals , To pack Designs without the Walls . Examine , and draw up all News , And fit it to our present Vse . Agree upon the Plot i' th' Farce , And every one his Part rehearse . Make Q's of Answers , to way-lay What th' other Parties like to say , What Repartees , and smart Reflexions Shall be return'd to all Objections : And who shall break the Master-Jest , And what , and how , upon the rest : Help Pamphlets out , with safe Editions , Of Proper Slanders and Seditions : And Treason for a Token send , By Letter , to a Country Friend . Disperse Lampoons , the only Wit , That Men , like Burglary , commit : Wit , falser than a Padder's Face , That all its Owner does , betrays : Who therefore dare not trust it , when He 's in his Calling , to be seen . Disperse the Dung on Barren Earth , To bring new Weeds of Discord forth . Be sure to keep up Congregations , In spight of Laws and Proclamation● ; For Chiarlatans can do no good , Vntill th' are mounted in a Crowd : And when th' are punish'd , all the Hurt Is but to fare the better for 't ▪ As long as Confessors are sure Of double Pay for all th' endure : And What they earn in Persecution , Are paid t' a Groat in Contribution . Whence some Tub-holders-forth have made In Powdring-Tubs , their richest Trade : And while they keep their Shops in Prison , Have found their Prices strangely risen , Disdain to own the least Regret For all the Christian Blood w' have let ; 'T will save our Credit , and maintain Our Title , to do so again ; That needs not cost one Dram of Sense , But Pertinacious Impudence : Our Constancy t' our Principles , In time , will wear out all things else ; Like Marble Statues , rub'd to pieces , With Gallantry of Pilgrim's Kisses ; While those who turn and wind their Oaths Have swell'd , and sunk like other Froths . Prevail'd a while , but 't was not long , Before from World to World they swung : As they had turn'd from side , to side ; And as the Changelings liv'd they died . This said ; the impatient States-Monger Could now contain himself no longer ; Who had not spar'd to shew his Picques , Against th' Haranguers Piliticks ? With smart Remarks of Leering Faces , And Annotations of Grimaeces , After h 'had ministred a Dose Of Snuff-Mundungus , to his Nose ; And powder'd th' inside of his Skull , Instead of th' outward Jobbernol : He shook it , with a scornful Look On th' Adversary , and thus he spoke . In Dressing a Calve's Head , although The Tongue and Brains together go , Both keep so great a distance here , 'T is strange , if ever they come near : For , who did ever play his Gambols , With such unsuff●rable Rambles ? To make the bringing in the King , And keeping of him out , one thing ? Which none can do , but those who swore T 'as Point-blank Non-sense heretofore : That to Defend was to Invade , And to Assassinate , to Aid : Vnless because you drove him out , ( And that was never made a Doubt ) No Pow'r is able to restore And bring him in , but on your Score . A Spiritual Doctine , that conduces Most properly , to all your Vses 'T is true , a Scorpion's Oyl is said To cure the Wounds the Vermine made ; And Weapons drest with Salves , restore And heal the Hurts they gave before : But whether Presbyterians have So much Good Nature as the Salve , Or Virtue in them as the Vermine , Those who have tri'd 'em can determine . Indeed , 't is pity you should miss Th' Arrears of all your Services , And for th' Eternal Obligation Y' have laid upon th' ungrateful Nation : B'us'd so unconscionable hard , As not to find a just Reward . For letting Rapine loose , and Murther , To rage just so far , but no further : And setting all the Land on fire , To burn t' a Scanting , but no higher : For vent'ring to assassinate , And cut the Throats of Church and State : And not be allow'd the fittest Men To take the Charge of both agen . Especially , that have the Grace Of Self-denying , Gifted Face ; Who , when your Projects have miscarri'd , Can lay them , with undaunted Fore-head . On those you painfully trepann'd , And sprinkled in at Second Hand . As we have been , to share the Guilt Of Christian Blood , devoutly spilt ; For so our Ignorance was flam'd , To damn our selves , t' avoid being damn'd : Till finding your old Foe , the Hang-man , Was like to lurch you at Back-Gammon ; And win your Necks upon the Set , As well as ours , who did but Bet : ( For he had drawn your Ears before , And nick'd 'em on the self-same Score : ) We threw the Box and Dice away , Before y' had lost us at foul Play : And brought you down to Rook , and Lye , And Fancy only , on the By. Redeem'd your forfeit Jobbernoles , From pearching upon lofty Poles : And rescued all your Outward Traitors From hanging up like Allegators : For which ingeniously y' have shew'd Your Presbyterian Gratitude : Would freely have paid us home in kind , And not have been one Rope behind . Those were your Motives to divide , And scruple , on the other side , To turn your Zealous Frauds , and Force , To Fits of Conscience and Remorse . To be convinc'd they were in vain , And face about for New again : For Truth no more unvail'd your Eyes , Than Maggots are convinc'd to Flies : And therefore , all your Lights and Call ▪ Are but Apocryphal , and False ▪ To charge us with the Consequences Of all your Native Insolences . That to your own Imperious Wills , Laid Law and Gospel Neck and Heels : Corrupted the Old Testament , To serve the New for Precedent : T' amend its Errors and Defects , With Murther and Rebellion-Texts : Of which there is not any one In all the Book , to sow upon : And therefore ( from your Tribe ) the Jews Held Christian Doctrine forth and Vse : As Mahomet ( your Chief ) began To mix them in the Alchoran : Denounc'd , and pray'd with Fierce Devotion , And bended Elbows on the Cushion : Stole from the Beggars all your Tones , And Gifted Mortifying Groans : Had Lights where better Eyes were blind , As Pigs are said to see the Wind : Fill'd Bedlam with Predestination , And Knights-Bridge with Illumination : Made Children , with your Tones , to run for 't , As bad as Bloody Bones or Lunsford . While Women , Great with Child , miscarri'd : For being to Malignants marri'd : Transform'd all Wives to Dalilahs , Whose Husbands were not for the Cause : And turn'd the Men to Ten-Horn'd Cattel , Because they came not out to Battel : Made Taylors Prentices turn Heroes , For fear of being transform'd to Meroz ; And rather forfeit their Indentures , Than not espouse the Saints Adventures . Could Transubstantiate , Metamorphose , And charm whole Herds of Beasts , like Orpheus ; Inchant the King's and Churches Lands , T' obey and follow your Commands : And settle on a New Free-hold , As Marcly-Hill had done of Old . Could turn the Covenant , and translate The Gospel into Spoons and Plate : Expound upon all Merchants Cashes , And open th' intricatest Places : Could Catechise a Mony Box , And prove all Powches Orthodox ; Vntil the Cause became a Damon , And Pythias , the wicked Mammon . And yet , in spight of all your Charms , To conjure Legion up , in Arms ; And raise more Devils in the Rout , Than e'er ywere able to cast out : Y' have been reduc'd , and by those Fools , Bred up ( you say ) in your own Schools : Who , though but gifted at your feet , Have made it plain , they have more Wit. By whom you have been so oft trepan'd , And held forth out of all Command : Out-gifted , Out-impuls'd , Out-done , And Out-reveal'd at Carryings on . Of all your Dispensations Worm'd , Out-providenc'd , and Out-reform'd . Ejected out of Church , and State , And all things , but the People's Hate : And spirited out of th' Enjoyments Of precious , edifying Employments ; By those who lodg'd their Gifts and Graces , Like better Bowlers , in your Places . All which you bore , with Resolution , Charg'd on th' Account of Persecution : And though , most Righteously opprest , Against your Wills , still acquiest : And never Hum'd and Hah'd Sedition , Nor snuffled Treason , nor Misprision . That is , because you never durst ; For had you preach'd and pray'd your worst , Alas , you were no longer able To raise your Posse of the Rabble : One single Red-Coat Sentinel Out-charm'd the Magick of the Spell ; And with his Squirt-fire , could disperse Whole Troops , with Chapter rais'd , and Verse : We knew too well those tricks of yours , To leave it ever in your Powers : Or trust our Safeties , or Vndoings , To your disposing of Out-goings ; Or to your Ordering Providence , One Farthings-worth of Consequence For had you Pow'r to undermine , Or Wit to carry a Design , Or Correspondence to trepan , Inveagle , or betray one Man ; There 's nothing else that intervenes , And bars your Zeal to use the means . And therefore wondrous like , no doubt , To bring in Kings , or keep them out : Brave undertakers to restore , That could not keep your selves in pow'r T' advance the Intersts of the Crown , That wanted Wit to keep your own . 'T is true , you have ( for I 'ld be loth To wrong ye ) done your Parts , in Both ; To keep him out , and bring him in , As Grace is introduc'd by Sin ; For 't was your zealous want of Sense , And sanctifi'd Impertinence : Your carrying business in a Huddle , That forc'd our Rulers to New-Modle ; Oblig'd the State to tack about , And turn you , Root and Branch , all out ; To Reformado , One and All , T' your Great Croysado , General : Your greedy slav'ring to devour Before 't was in your Clutches , Pow'r . That sprung the Game you were to set , Before y' had time to draw the Net : Your spight to see the Churches Lands Divided into other Hands . And all your Sacrilegious Ventures , Laid out on Tickets and Debentures ; Your Envy to be sprinkled down , By Vnder Churches in the Town . And no Course us'd to stop their Mouths , Nor th' Independants spreading Growths All which consider'd , 't is most true , None bring him in so much as you . Who have prevail'd , beyond their Plots , Their Midnight Junto's , and seal'd Knots ; That thrive more by your Zealous Piques , Than all their own rash Politicks . And th●s way you may claim a share , In carrying ( as you brag ) th' Affair ; Else Frogs , and Toads , that croak'd the Jews , From Pharo , and his Brick-kills-loose : And Flies , and Mange , that set them free , From Task-Masters , and Slavery : Were likelier to do the Feat , In any indifferent Man's Conceit ; For who e'er heard of Restoratian , Vntill your thorough Reformation : That is , the King 's and Churches Lands Were sequestred in t' other Hands ? For , only then , and not before , Your Eyes were opened to restore . And when the Work was carrying on , Who crost it , but your selves alone ? As , by a World of Hints , appears , All plain , and extant , as your Ears . But first o' th' first ; the Isle of Wight Will rise up , if you should deny 't ; Where Hinderson , and th' other Masses , Were sent to cap Texts , and put Cases : To pass for Deep and Learned Scholars ; Although but Paltry , Ob-and-Sollers : As if th' unseasonable Fools Had been a Cursing in the Schools ; Vntil th' had prov'd the Devil Author O' th' Covenant , and the Cause , his Daughter ; For , when they charg'd him with the Guilt Of all the Blood that had been spilt ; They did not mean , he wrought th' Effusion In Person , like Sir Pride , or Hughson ; But only those , who first begun The Quarrel , were by him set on . And who could those be but the Saints , Those Reformation-Termegants ? But e'er this past , the wise Debate Spent so much time , it grew too late ; For Oliver had gotten Ground , T' enclose them , with his Warriers , round : Had brought his Providence about , And turn'd the untimely Sophists out . Nor had the Uxbridge bus'ness less Of Non-sence in 't , and sottishness , When from a Scoundrel Holder-forth , The Scum , as well as Son o' th' Earth , Your mighty Senators took Law At his Command , were forc'd t' withdraw ; And sacrifice the Peace o' th' Nation To Doctrine , Vse , and Application . So when the Scots , your constant Cronies , Th' Espousers of your Cause , and Monies : Who had so often , in your Aid , So many ways been soundly paid ; Came in at last , for better Ends , To prove themselves your trusty Friends , You basely left them , and the Church , Th' had train'd you up to , in the Lurch , And suffer'd your own Tribe of Christians To fall before , as true Philistines . This shews what Vtensils y' have been , To bring the King's Concernments in Which is so far from being true , That none but He can bring in You. And if he take you into trust , Will find you most exactly just : Such as will punctually repay With double Interest , and betray . Not that I think those Pantomimes , Who vary Action with the Times ; Are less ingenious in their Art , Than those who dully act one Part ; Or those who turn from Side to Side ; More guilty than the Wind and Tide . All Countries are a Wise man's Home , And so are Governments to some , Who change them for the same Intrigues That States-men use in breaking Leagues : While others in Old Faiths and Troths , Look od● , as in Out-of-fashion'd Cloaths : And nastier , in an old Opinion , Than those who never shift their Linnen . For True and Faithful's sure to loose , Which way soever the Game goes : And whether Parties lose or win , Is always nick'd , or else hedg'd in . While Pow'r usurp'd like stol'n delight , Is more bewitching than the Right . And when the Times begin to alter , None rise so high as from the Halter . And so may we , if w' have but Sense To use the necessary Means , And not your usual Stratagems On one another , Lights and Dreames . To stand on Terms as positive , As if we did not take , but give : Set up the Covenant on Crutches , 'Gainst those who have us in their Clutches ; And dream of pulling Churches down , Before w' are sure to prop our own : Your constant Method of Proceeding , Without the Carnal Means of Heeding : Who , 'twixt your Inward Sense , and Outward , Are worse , than if y' had none , accoutred . I grant , all Courses are in vain , Vnless we can get in again ; The only way that 's left us now , But all the difficulty's , How ? 'T is true ! w' have Money , th' only Pow'r That all Mankind falls down before : Money , that , like the Swords of Kings , Is the last Reason of all things . And therefore , need not doubt our Play Has all advantages that way ; As long as Men have Faith to sell , And meet with those that can pay well . Whose half-starv'd Pride and Avarice , One Church and State will not suffice , T' expose to Sale ; beside the Wages Of storing Plagues to after Ages . Nor is our Money less our own , Than 't was before we laid it down : For 't will return , and turn t' Account , If we are brought in Play upon 't ; Or , but by Casting Knaves , get in , What Pow'r can hinder us to win ? We know the Arts we us'd before , In Peace and War , and something more : And by the unfortunate Events , Can mend our next Experiments . For , when w' are taken into Trust , How easie are the Wisest choust ? Who see but th' out-sides of our Feats , And not their secret Springs and Weights ; And while th' are busie at their ease , Can carry what Designs we please : How easie is 't to serve for Agents , To prosecute our old Engagements ? To keep the Good Old Cause on Foot , And present Power from taking Root ? Inflame them both with false Alarms , Of Plots , and Parties , taking Arms ; To keep the Nation 's Wounds too wide For healing up of Side to Side . Profess the passionat'st Concerns , For both their Interests , by Turns . The only way t' improve our own , By dealing faithfully with none ; ( As Bowls run true , by being made Of purpose false , and to be sway'd ) For , if we should be true to either , 'T would turn us out of both together : And therefore have no other Means , To stand upon our own Defence ; But keeping up our Ancient Party In Vigor , Confident , and Hearty : To reconcile our late Dissenters , Our Brethren , though by other Venters , Vnite them and their different Maggots , As long and short Sticks are in Faggots . And make them joyn again as close , As when they first began t' Espouse ; Erect them into Separate New Jewish Tribes , in Church and State ; To joyn in Marriage and Commerce , And only among themselves Converse . And all that are not of their Mind , Make Enemies to all Mankind : Take all Religions in and stickle , From Conclave , down to Conventicle ; Agreeing still , or disagreeing , According to the Light in Being . Sometimes , for Liberty of Conscience , And Spiritual miss-rule , in one Sense . But in another quite contrary , As Dispensations chance to vary : And stand for , as the times will bear it , All Contradictions of the Spirit : Protect their Emessaries , impowr'd To preach Sedition and the Word : And when th' are hamper'd by the Laws , Release the Lab'rers for the Cause ; And turn the Persecution back , On those that made the first Attack . To keep them equally in awe , From breaking or maintaining Law ; And when they have their Fits to soon , Before the Full-Tides of the Moon : Put off their Zeal t' a fitter Season , For sowing Faction in , and Treason ; And keep them hooded , and their Churches , Like Hawks from bating on their Perches . That when the Blessed Time shall come , Of quitting Babylon and Rome , They may be ready to restore Their own Fifth-Monarchy , once more ; Mean while , be better Arm'd to Fence , Against Revolts of Providence ; By watching narrowly , and snapping All blind sides of it , as they happen : For , if Success could make us Saints , Our Ruin turn'd us Miscreants : A Scandal that would fall too hard Vpon a Few , and unprepar'd . These are the Courses we must run , Spight of our Hearts , or be undone : And not to stand on Terms and Freaks , Before we have secur'd our Necks . But do our Work , as out of sight , As Stars by Day , and Suns by Night : All Licence of the People own , In opposition to the Crown . And for the Crown as fiercely side , The Head and Body to divide ; The end of all we first design'd , And all that yet remains behind : Be sure to spare no publick Rapine , On all Emergencies that happen ; For 't is as easie to supplant Authority , as Men in want : As some of us , in trusts , have made The one hand with the other trade ; Gain'd vastly , by their Joynt-endeavour ; The right a Thief , the left Receiver . And what the one , by tricks , forestall'd , The other , by as sly , Retail'd . For Gain has wonderful Effects , T' improve the Factory of Sects ; The Rule of Faith in all Professions , And great Diana of the Ephesians : Whence turning of Religion's made The means to turn and wind a Trade . And though some change it for the worse , They put themselves into a Course ; And draw in store of Customers , To thrive the better in Commerce : For , all Religions flock together , Like Tame , and Wild-Fowl of a Feather ; To nab the Itches of their Sects ; As Jades do one another's Necks . Hence 't is , Hypocrisie , as well , Will serve t' improve a Church , as Zeal ; As Persecution , or Promotion , Do equally advance Devotion . Let Business , like ill Watches , go , Sometime too fast , sometime to slow : For , things in order are put out So easie , Ease it self will do 't . But when the Feat's design'd and meant , What Miracle can bar th' event ? For 't is more easie to betray , Than ruin any other way . All possible Occasions start , The Weighty'st Matters to divert : Obstruct , Perplex , Distract , Intangle , And lay perpetual Trains to wrangle : But in Affairs of less Import , That neither do us Good nor Hurt , And they receive as little by , Out-fawn as much , and Out-comply : And seem as scrupulously just , To bait our Hooks for greater Trust . But still be careful to cry down All publick Actions , though our own : The least Miscarriage aggravate , And charge it all upon the State : Express the horrid'st Detestation , And pity the distracted Nation . Tell Stories , scandalous and false , I' th' proper Language of Cabals : Where all a subtil States-man says Is half in Words , and half in Face : ( As Spaniards talk in Dialogues , Of Heads and Shoulders , Nods and Shrugs ) Entrust it under solemn Vows Of Mum and Silence , and the Rose , To be retail'd again in Whispers , For th' easie credulous to disperse . Thus far the States-man . When a Shout , Heard at a distance , put him out . And strait another , all agast , Rush'd in with equal Fear and Haste : Who star'd about , as pale as Death , And for a while , as out of Breath ; Till having gather'd up his Wits ; He thus began his Tale by Fits . That beastly Rabble , — that came down , From all the Garrets — in the Town , And Stalls , and Shop-boards — in vast Swarms , With new-chalk'd Bills , — and rusty Arms , To cry the Cause — up , heretofore , And bawl the Bishops — out of Door ; Are now drawn up , — in greater Shoals , To Roast — and Broil us on the Coals : And all the Grandees — of our Members Are Carbonading on — the Embers ; Knights , Citizens and Burgesses — Held forth by Rumps — of Pigs and Geese . That serve for Characters — and Badges , To represent their Personages , Each Bone-fire is a Funeral Pile , In which they Roast , and Scorch , and Broil ; And ev'ry Representative Have vow'd to Roast — and Broil alive ; And 't is a Miracle , we are not Already , sacrific'd Incarnate . For , while we wrangle here , and jar , W' are Grylly'd all at Temple-Bar : Some , on the Sign-post of an Ale-house , Hang in Effigy , on the Gallows , Made up of Rags , to personate Respective Officers of State ; That henceforth they may stand reputed , Proscrib'd in Law , and Executed , And while the Work is carrying on , Be ready Listed under Dun ; That Worthy Patriot , once the Bellows , And Tinder-box of all his Fellows . The activ'st Member of the Five , As well as the most Primitive : Who , for his faithful Service then , Is chosen for a Fifth agen ; ( For , since the State has made a Quint Of Generals , he 's listed in 't . ) This Worthy , as the World will say , Is paid in Specie , his own way ; For , moulded to the Life in Clouts , Th' have pick'd from Dung-hills hereabouts : He 's mounted on a Hazel Bavin , A crop'd Malignant Baker gave 'em : And , to the largest Bonefire riding , Th' have roasted Cook already , and Pride-m . On whom , in Equipage , and State , His Scare-crow Fellow-Members wait ; And March in Order , two and two , As at Thanksgivings th' us'd to do : Each in a tatter'd Talismane , Like Vermine in Effigie slain . But ( what 's more dreadful than the rest ) Those Rumps are but the Tail o' th' Beast ; Set up by Popish Engineers , As by the Crackers plainly appears : For , none but Jesuits have a Mission To preach the Faith with Ammunition ; And propagate the Church with Powder , Their Founder was a blown up Soldier . These Spiritual Pioneers o' th' Whores , That have the Charge of all her Stores ; Since first they fail'd in their Designs , To take in Heav'n by springing Mines ; And with unanswerable Barrels Of Gun-powder , dispute their Quarrels : Now take a Course more practicable , By laying Trains to fire the Rabble , And blow us up in th' open Streets ; Disguis'd in Rumps , like Sambenites ; More like to Ruin , and Confound , Than all their Doctrines under-ground . Nor have they chosen Rumps amiss , For Symbols of State-Mysteries ; Though some suppose , 't was but to shew How much they scorn'd the Saints , The Few ; Who , 'cause th' are wasted to the stumps , Are represented best by Rumps , But Jesuits have deeper Reaches In all their Politick Far-fetches : And from their Coptick Priest , Kirkerus , Found out this Mystick way to jeer us . For , as the Aegyptians us'd , by Bees , T' express their Antick Ptolomies ; And by their Stings , the Swords they wore , Held forth Authority and Pow'r : Because these subtil Animals Bear all their Int'rests in their Tails ; And when th' are once impair'd in that , Are banish'd their Well-order'd State : They thought all Governments were best , By Hieroglyphick Rumps , exprest , For , as in Bodies Natural , The Rump's the Fundament of all ; So , in a Commomwealth , or Realm , The Government is call'd the Helm : With which , like Vessels under Sail , Th' are turn'd and winded by the Tail . The Tail , which Birds and Fishes steer Their Courses with , through Sea and Air ; To whom the Rudder of the Rump is The same thing with the Stern and Compass . This shews how perfectly the Rump And Commonwealth in Nature jump . For , as a Fly , that goes to Bed , Rests with his Tail above his Head ; So in this Mung●el State of ours , The Rabble are the Supreme Powers . That Hors'd us on their Backs , to show us A Jadish trick at last , and throw us . The Learned Rabbins of the Jews Write , there 's a Bone which they call Luez , I' th' Rump of Man , of such a Vertue , No force in Nature can do hurt to ; And therefore , at the last Great Day , All th' other Members shall , they say , Spring out of this , as from a Seed , All sorts of Vegetals proceed : From whence , the Learned Sons of Art , Os Sacrum , justly stile that Part. Then what can better represent , Than this Rump-bone , the Parliament ? That after several rude Ejections , And as prodigious Resurrections ; With new Reversions of nine Lives , Starts up , and like a Cat , revives ? But now , alas , th' are all expir'd , And th' House , as well as Members fir'd ; Comsum'd in Kennels ; by the Rout , With which they other Fires put out : Condemn'd t' ungoverning Distress , And Paultry , Private Wretchedness : Worse than the Devil to Privation , Beyond all hopes of Restauration ; And parted like the Body and Soul , From all Dominion and Controul . We , who could lately , with a Look , Enact , Establish , or Revoke ; Whose Arbitrary Nods gave Law , And Frowns kept multitudes in Awe : Before the Bluster of whose Huff , All Hats , as in a Storm , flew off . Ador'd and bow'd to , by the Great , Down to the Foot-man , and Valet . Had more bent Knees than Chappel-Mats , And Prayers , than the Crowns of Hats ; Shall now be scorn'd as wretchedly , For Ruin's just as low as high ; Which might be suffer'd , were it all The Horrour , that attends our Fall : For , some of us have Scores more large Than Heads and Quarters can discharge . And others who , by restless scraping With Publick Frauds , and private Rapine ; Have mighty Heaps of Wealth amass'd , Would gladly lay-down all at last : And to be but undone , Entail Their Vessels on perpetual Jail ; And bless the Devil to let them Farms Of forfeit Souls , on no worse terms . This said , A near and louder Shout Put all th' Assembly to the Rout : Who now begun t' out-run their fear , As Horses do , from those that bear : But crouded on , with so much haste , Vntill th' had block'd the Passage fast ; And Barricadoed it with Haunches Of Outward Men , and Bulks , and Paunches : That with their shoulders strove to squeeze , And rather save a Cripled piece Of all their crush'd and broken Members , Than have them Grillied on the Embers : Still pressing on with heavy Packs , Of one another , on their Backs : The Van-Guard could no longer bear The Charges of the Forlorn Rere ; But born down head-long by the Rout , Were trampled sorely under Foot . Yet nothing prov'd so formidable , As the horrid Cookery of the Rabble : And Fear that keeps all Feeling out , As lesser Pains are , by the Gout , Reliev'd 'em with a fresh Supply Of rallied Force , enough to fly ; And beat a Tuscan Running Horse , Whose Jocky-Rider is all Spurs .

CANTO III. The ARGUMENT . The Knight and Squire 's Prodigious Flight : To quit th' Inchanted Bow'r by Night : He plods to turn his Amorous Suit T' a Plea in Law , and prosecute : Repairs to Counsel , to advise 'Bout managing the Enterprize : But first resolves to try by Letter , And once more , fair Address , to get her . WHo would believe what strange Bugbears Mankind creates it self , of Fears ? That spri●g like Fern , that Insect Weed , Equivocally , without Seed ; And have no possible Foundation , But merely in th' Imagination : And yet can do more dreadful Feats , Than Hags , with all their Imps and Teats : Make more bewitch and haunt themselves , Than all their Nurseries of Elves . For fear does things so like a Witch , 'T is hard t' unriddle which is which . Sets up Communities of Senses , To chop and change Intelligences : As Rosi-crusian Virtuoso's , Can see with Ears , and hear with Noses : And when they neither see nor hear , Have more than both suppli'd by Fear ; That makes 'em in the dark see Visions , And hag themselves with Apparitions . And when their Eyes discover least , Discern the subt'lest Objects best . Do things not contrary alone To th' Course of Nature , but it s own . The Courage of the Bravest daunt , And turn Pultroons as valiant ; For Men as resolute appear With too much , as too little Fear . And when th' are out of hopes of flying , Will run away from Death by dying : Or turn again to stand it out , And those that fled , like Lions Rout. This Hudibras had prov'd too true , Who , by the Furies , left Perdue : And haunted with Detachments , sent From Marshal-Legion's Regiment ; Was by a Fiend , as counterfeit , Reliev'd and Rescu'd with a Cheat : When nothing but himself and fear Was both the Imps and Conjurer : As by the Rules o' th Virtuosi , It follows in due Form of Posie . Disguis'd in all the Masks of Night , We left our Champion on his flight : At Blind-man's-buff , to grope his way , In equal fear , of Night and Day : Who took his dark and desp'rate Course , He knew no better than his Horse ; And by an unknown Devil led , ( He knew as little whether ) fled , He never was in greater need , Nor less Capacity of Speed : Disabled both in Man and Beast , To fly , and run away , his best ; To keep the Enemy , and Fear , From equal falling on his Rere . And tho with Kicks and bangs he ply'd The further , and the nearer side : ( As Sea-men ride with all their force , And Tug as if they Row'd the Horse ; And when the Hackney Sails most swift , Believe they lag , or run a-drift ) So though he posted e'er so fast , His Fear was greater than his Haste : For Fear , though fleeter than the Wind , Believes 't is always left behind . But when the Morn began to appear , And shift t' another Scene his Fear ; He found his new Officious Shade , That came so timely to his Aid ; And forc'd him from the Foe t' escape , Had turn'd it self to Ralpho 's shape . So like in Person , Garb , and Pitch , 'T was hard t' interpret which was which . For Ralpho had no sooner told The Lady all he had t' unfold , But she convey'd him out of sight . To entertain the approaching Knight . And while he gave himself Diversion , T' accommodate his Beast and Person , And put his Beard into a posture , At best advantage to accost her : She order'd th' Antimasquerade , ( For his Reception ) aforesaid : But when the Ceremony was done , The Lights put out , and Furies gone ; And Hudibras , amongst the rest , Convey'd away , as Ralpho guest : The wretched Caitiff all alone , ( As he believ'd ) began to moan , And tell his Story to himself ; The Knight mistook him for an Elf. And did so still , till he began To scruple at Ralph's Outward Man ; And thought , because they oft agreed , T' appear in one another's stead ; And act the Saint 's and Devil 's Part. With undistinguishable Art ; They might have done so now perhaps , And put on one another's Shapes ; And therefore , to resolve the doubt , He star'd upon him , and cry'd out . What art ? My Squire , or that bold Sprite , That took his Place and Shape to Night ? Some busie Independent Pug , Retainer to his Synagogue ? Alas , quoth he , I 'm none of those Your Bosom-Friends , as you suppose ; But Ralph himself , your trusty Squire , Wh ' has drag'd your Dunship out o' th' mire ; And from the Inchantments of a Widdow , Wh ' had turn'd you in t' a Beast , have freed you . And though a Prisoner of War , Have brought you safe , where now you are . Which you would gratefully repay , Your constant Presbyterian way . That 's stranger ( quoth the Knight ) and stranger : Who gave thee notice of my danger ? Quoth he , Th' Infernal Conjurer Pursu'd , and took me Prisoner ; And knowing you were hereabout , Brought me along , to find you out . Where I , in Hugger-mugger hid , Have noted all they said and did : And though they lay to him the Pageant , I did not see him , nor his Agent ; Who plai'd their Sorceries out of sight , T' avoid a fiercer , second Fight . But , didst thou see no Devils then ? Not one , quoth he , but Carnal Men. A little worse than Fiends in Hell , And that She-Devil , Jezabel ; That laugh'd and tee-he'd with derision , To see them take your Deposition . What then ( quoth Hudibras ) was he That plai'd the Dev'l , to examine me ? A Rallying Weaver in the Town , That did it in a Parson's Gown : Whom all the Parish takes for gifted ; But , for my part , I ne'er believ'd it . In which you told them all your Feats , Your Conscientious Frauds and Cheats ; Deny'd your Whipping , and confess'd The naked Truth of all the rest : More plainly than the Reverend Writer , That to our Churches veil'd his Mitre . All which they took in Black and White , And cudgel'd me to under-write . What made thee , when they all were gone , And none but thou and I alone ; To act the Devil , and forbear To rid me of my Hellish Fear ? Quoth he , I knew your constant Rate , And Frame of Sp'rite , too obstinate , To be by me prevail'd upon With any Motives of my own : And therefore strove to counterfeit The Dev'l a while , to Nick your Wit. The Devil , that is your constant Crony , That only can prevail upon ye ; Else we might still have been disputing , And they with weighty Drubs confuting . The Knight , who now began to find Th' had left the Enemy behind ; And saw no farther harm remain , But feeble Weariness and Pain , Perceiv'd , by losing of their Way , Th' had gain'd th' advantage of the Day ; And by declining of the Road , They had by chance their Rere made good . He ventur'd to dismiss his Fear , That parting 's wont to Rant and Tear . And gives the desperat'st Attack To danger , still behind its Back . For , having paws'd to recollect , And on his past Success reflect , T' examine and consider why , And whence , and how , he came to fly ; And when no Devil had appear'd , What else , it could be said , he fear'd ? It put him in so fierce a Rage ; He once resolv'd to re-engage ; Tost like a Foot-ball back again , With Shame , and Vengeance , and Disdain . Quoth he , It was thy Cowardise That made me from this Leaguer rise ; And when I had half reduc'd the place , To quit it infamously base . Was better cover'd by thy New Arriv'd Detachment than I knew : To slight my new Acquest , and run Victoriously , from Battels won . And reck'ning all I gain'd or lost , To sell them cheaper than they cost , To make me put my self to flight ; And Conqu'ring , run away by night . To drag me out , which th' haughty Foe , Durst never have presum'd to do . To mount me in the dark by force , Vpon the bare Ridge of my Horse . Expos'd in Querpo to their Rage , Without my Arms and Equipage ; Lest , if they ventur'd to pursue , I might the unequal Fight renew . And , to preserve thy Outward Man , Assum'd my Place , and led the Van. All this , quoth Ralph , I did , 't is true , Not to preserve my self , but you . You , who were damn'd to baser Drubs , Than Wretches feel in Powd'ring Tubs ; To mount two wheel'd Carroches , worse Than mannaging a Wooden Horse : Drag'd out through straiter Holes , by th' Ears , Eras'd , or Coup'd for Perjurers . Who , though the Attempt had prov'd in vain , Had had no reason to complain : But since it prosper'd , 't is unhandsome To blame the Hand that paid your Ransome : And rescued your obnoxious Bones From unavoidable Battoons . The Enemy was reinforc'd , And we disabled and unhors'd : Disarm'd , unqualifi'd for Fight ; And no way left , but hasty Flight . Which , though as desperate in the Attempt , Has giv'n you freedom to condemn 't . But were our Bones in fit Condition To re-inforce the Expedition , 'T is now unseasonable , and vain , To think of falling on again : No Martial Project to surprize , Can ever be attempted twice ; Nor cast design serve afterwards , As Gamesters tear their losing Cards . Beside , our bangs of man and Beast Are fit for nothing now but Rest . And for a while will not be able To rally , and prove serviceable . And therefore I with reason chose This Stratagem , t' amuse our Foes . To make an Honourable Retreat , And wave a total sure Defeat : For , those that fly , may fight again , Which he can never do that 's slain . Hence timely Running's no mean part Of Conduct , in the Martial Art , By which some Glorious Feats atchieve As Citizens , by breaking , thrive . And Cannons conquer Armies , while They seem to draw off and recoyl . Is held the gallantest Course , and bravest , To great Exploits , as well as safest : That spares the Expence of Time and Pains , And dangerous beating out of Brains . And in the end prevails , as certain , As those that never trust to Fortune ; But make their Fear do Execution , Beyond the stoutest Resolution ; As Earth-quakes kill , without a Blow , And only trembling , overthrow . If th' Ancients Crown'd their bravest men That only sav'd a Citizen , What Victory could e'er be won , If ev'ry one would save but one ? Or Fight endanger'd to be lost , Where all resolve to save the most ? By this means , when a Battel 's won , The War 's as far from being done : For those that save themselves , and fly , Go halves , at least , in th' Victory : And sometime , when their loss is small , And danger great , they challenge all : Print new additions to their Feats , And Emendations in Gazets ; And when , for furious haste to run , They durst not stay to fire a Gun : Have don 't with Bone-fires , and at home , Make Squibs and Crackers overcome . To set the Rabble on a Flame , And keep their Governours from Blame , Disperse the News , the Pulpit tells , Confirm'd with Fire-works , and with Bells : And though reduc'd to that Extream , They have been forc'd to sing Te Deum ; Yet , with Religious Blasphemy , By flattering Heaven with a Lie , And for their Beating , giving Thanks , Th' have rais'd Recruits , and fill'd their Banks ; For those who run from the Enemy , Engage them equally to fly . And when the Fight becomes a Chace , Those win the Day , that win the Race ; And that which would not pass in Fights , Has done the Feat with easie Slights . Recover'd many a desp'rate Campain , With Bourdeaux , Burgundy and Champain . Restor'd the fainting High and Mighty With Brandy-Wine and Aqua-vitae . And made them stoutly overcome , With Bacrach , Hocamore and Mum : Whom , the uncontroul'd Decrees of Fate To Victory necessitate ; With which , although they run or burn , They unavoidably return : Or else their Sultan-Populaces Still stra●gle all their routed Bassa's . Quoth Hudibras , I understand What Fights thou mean'st at Sea and Land ; And who those were that run away , And yet gave out th' had won the day : Although the Rabble souc'd them for 't , O'er Head and Ears in Mud and Dirt. 'T is true , our Modern way of War Is grown more politick by far ; But not so resolute and bold , Nor ty'd to Honour , as the Old . For , now they laugh at giving Battel , Vnless it be to Herds of Cattel : Or fighting Convoys of Provision , The whole design of the Expedition . And not with down-right blows to rout The Enemy , but eat them out : As Fighting in all Beasts of Prey , And Eating are perform'd one way , To give defiance to their teeth , And fight their stubborn Guts to death , And those atchieve the high'st Renown , That bring the other Stomachs down , There 's now no fear of wounds nor maiming , All dangers are reduc'd to Famine . And Feats of Arms , to Plot , Design , Surprize , and Stratagem , and Mine . But have no need , nor use of Courage , Vnless it be for Glory , or Forrage : For if they fight , 't is but by chance , When one side vent'ring to advance , And come uncivilly too near , Are charg'd unmercifully i' th' Rere : And forc'd with terrible resistance , To keep hereafter at a distance ; To pick out Ground to incamp upon Where store of largest Rivers run , That serve instead of peaceful Barriers To part th' Engagements of their Warriers . Where both from side to side may skip , And only encounter at Bo-peep . For Men are found the stouter hearted , The certainer th' are to be parted . And therefore post themselves in Bogs , As the ancient Mice attack'd the Frogs : And made their mortal Enemy , The Water-Rat , their great Ally . For 't is not now , who 's stout and bold ; But who bears Hunger best , and Cold : And he 's approv'd the most deserving , Who longest can hold out at starving : But he that routs most Pigs and Cows , The formidablest Man of Prowess . So , the Emperor Caligula , That triumph'd o'er the British Sea ; Took Crabs and Oysters Prisoners , And Lobsters , 'stead of Curasiers ; Engag'd his Legions in fierce Bustles , With Periwinkles , Prawns and Muscles : And led his Troops with furious Gallops , To charge whole Regiments of Scallops . Not like their ancient way of War , To wait on his Triumphal Carr , But when he went to Dine or Sup , More bravely eat his Captives up ; And left all Wars by his Example , Reduc'd to vict'ling of a Camp well . Quoth Ralph , by all that you have said , And twice as much that I could add , T is plain , you cannot now do worse , Than take this out-of-fashion'd course : To hope by stratagem to woo her , Or waging Battle to subdue her . Though some have done it in Romances , And bang'd them into amorous Fancies , As those who won the Amazons , By wanton urubbing of their bones : And stout Rinaldo gain'd his Bride By Courting of her Back and Side . But since those times and feats are over , They are not for a Modern Lover : When Mistresses are too cross-grain'd , By such Addresses to be gain'd : And if they were , would have it out , With many other kind of Bout . Therefore I hold no Course's infesible As this of force to win the Jezabel , To storm her heart , by th' Antick Charms Of Ladies Errant , force of Arms ; But rather strive by Law to win her , And try the Title you have in her , Your case is clear , you have her Word , And me to witness the Accord . Besides two more of her Retinue , To testifie what pass'd between you . More probable , and like to hold , Than Hand , or Seal , or breaking Gold For which so many that renounc'd Their plighted Contracts , have been trounc'd . And Bills upon Record been found , That forc'd the Ladies to compound : And that , unless I miss the matter , Is all the business you look after : Besides , Encounters at the Bar , Are braver now , than those in War , In which the Law does Execution , With less Disorder and Confusion : Has more of Honour in 't some hold , Not like the New way , but the Old . When those the Pen had drawn together , Divided Quarrels with the Feather , And winged Arrows kill'd as dead , And more then Bullets now of Lead . So all their Combats now , as then , Are manag'd chiefly by the Pen. That does ●he Feat , with braver Vigours , In words a● length , as well as Figures . Is Judge of all the World performs , In voluntary Feats of Arms. And whatso'ere's atchiev'd in Fight , Determines which is wrong or right ? For whether you Prevail or Lose , All must be try'd there in the close . And therefore 't is not wise to shun , What you must trust to , ere y' have done . The Law , that settles all you do , And marries where you did but woo . That makes the most perfidious Lover , A Lady , that 's as false , recover : And if it judge upon your side , Will soon extend her for your Bride ; And put her Person , Goods , or Lands , Or which you like best in t' your hands ; For Law 's the Wisdom of all Ages And manag'd by the ablest Sages , Who through their Bus'ness at the Bar. Be but a kind of Civil War . In which th' ingage with fiercer Dudgeons Than e're the Grecians did and Trojans . They never manage the Contest , T' impair their publick Interest ; Or by their Controversies , lessen The dignity of their Profession : Not like us Brethren , who divide Our Common-wealth , the Cause and Side , And though w' are all as near of Kindred As the outward Man is to the Inward ; We agree in nothing but to wrangle About the slightest fingle fangle , While Lawyers have more sober sense , Than to argue at their own expence . But make their best Advantages , Of other quarrels , like the Swiss , And out of Foreign Controversies , By aiding both sides , fill their Purses . But have no int'rest in the Cause , For which th' engage , and wage the Laws : Nor further Prospect than their Pay , Whether they lose or win the Day . And though th' abounded in all Ages , With sundry learned Clerks , and Sages ; Though all their business be Dispute , With which they canvas every Suit ; Th' have no disputes about their Art , Nor in Polemicks controvert . While all Professions else are found , With nothing but Disputes t' abound ; Divines of all sorts , and Physicians , Philosophers , Mathematicians ; The Gallenist , and Paracelsian , Condemn the way each other deals in ▪ Anatomists dissect and mangle , To cut themselves out Work to wrangle . Astrologers dispute their Dreams ; That in their sleeps they talk of Scheme● . And Heralds stickle , who got who , So many hundred Years ago . But Lawyers are too wise a Nation , T' expose their Trade to Disputation : Or make the busie Rabble Judges , Of all their secret Piques , and Grudges : In which whoever wins the day , The whole Profession's sure to pay . Beside , no Mountebanks , nor Cheats Dare undertake to do their Feats ; When in all other Sciences , They swarm , like Insects , and Increase : For what Bigot durst ever draw , By Inward Light , a Deed in Law ? Or could hold forth , by Revelation . An Answer to a Declaration ? For those that meddle with their Tools Will cut their Fingers , if th' are Fools . And if you follow their Advice , In Bills and Answers , and Replies : They 'l write a Love-letter in Chancery Shall bring her upon Oath to Answer ye . And soon Reduce you to b' your Wife , Or make her weary of her Life . The Knight who us'd with Tricks and Shifts , To Edifie by Ralpho 's Gifts : But in appearance cry'd him down , To make them better seem his own , ( All Plagiary 's Constant Course Of sinking , when they take a Purse ) Resolv'd to follow his Advice , But kept it from him in disguise : And after stubborn Contradiction , To Counterfeit his own Conviction , And by Transition , fall upon The Resolution , as his own . Quoth he ; This Gambol thou advisest , Is of all others , the unwisest ; For if I think by Law to gain her , There 's nothing fillier nor vainer . 'T is but to hazard my Pretence , Where nothing's certain but th' Expence . To act against my self , and traverse My Suit and Title to her Favours . And if she should , which Heaven forbid , O'rethrow me , as the Fidler did , What after-course have I to take , 'Gainst losing all I have at Stake ? He that with injury is griev'd , And goes to Law to be reliev'd ; Is sillier than a scottish Chews . Who when a Thief has Rob'd his house ; Applyes himself to Cunning-men To help him to his Goods again . When all he can expect to gain , Is but to squander more in vain : And yet I have no other way , But is as difficult , to play . For to reduce her , by main force , Is now in vain , by fair means , worse : But worst of all , to give her over , Till she 's as desp'rate to recover . For bad Games are thrown up too soon , Vntil th' are never to be won . But since I have no other Course , But is as bad t' attempt , or worse : He that complies against his Will , Is of his own Opinion still ; Which he may adhere to , yet disown , For Reasons to himself best known : But 't is not to be avoided now , For Sidrophel resolves to sue : Whom I must answer , or begin Inevitably , first with him . For I 've receiv'd Advertisement , By times , enough of his intent ; And knowing , he that first complains , Th' advantage of the business gains . For Courts of Justice understand The Plaintiff to be eldest hand ; Who what he pleases may averr The other nothing till he swear : Is freely admitted to all Grace , And Lawful Favour by his place ; And for his bringing Custom in , Has all Advantages to win . I , who resolve to oversee No lucky Opportunity , Will go to Counsel , to advise Which way t' encounter or surprize . And after long consideration , Have found out one to fit th' occasion ; Most apt , for what I have to do , As Counsellor , and Justice too . And truly so , no doubt , he was , A Lawyer fit for such a Case . An Old Dull Sot ; wh' had told the Clock , For many years at Bridewel-Dock . At Westminster , and Hickses-Hall , And Hiccius-Dockius play'd in all ; Where in all Governments , and Times , H' had been both friend , and foe to Crimes , And us'd two equal ways of gaining , By hindring Justice , or maintaining : To many a Whore gave Priviledge , And whip'd for want of Quarteridge , Cart-loads of Bawds , to Prison sent For b'ing behind a Fortnights Rent . And many a trusty Pimp and Croney , To Puddle-dock , for want of money . Ingag'd the Constable to seize All those , that would not break the Peace . Nor give him back his own foul words , Though sometimes Commoners or Lords : And kept 'em Prisoners , of Course , For being sober at ill hours . That in the Morning he might Free , Or bind 'em over , for his Fee . Made Monsters fine , and Puppet plays , For leave to practice , in their ways : Farm'd out all Cheats , and went a share , With th' Headborough and Scavenger , And made the Dirt i' th' Streets Compound , For taking up the Publick Ground : The Kennel and the King's High-way , For being unmolested , Pay . Let out the Stocks , and Whipping-Post , And Cage , to those that gave him most ; Impos'd a Tax on Bakers Ears . And for False Weights on Chandellers . Made Victuallers , and Vintners Fine For Arb●trary Ale and Wine . But was a kind and constant Friend To all that Regularly offend : As Residentiary Bawds , And Brokers that receive stoll'n Goods ; That cheat in Lawful Mysteries , And pay Church-duties , and his Fees ; But was implacable and auker'd To all that Interlop'd , and Hawker'd . To this brave Man , the Knight repairs For Counsel , in his Law-Affairs ; And found him mounted , in his Pew , With Books , and Mony plac'd , for shew , Like Nest-eggs , to make Clients lay , And for his false Opinion pay : To whom the Knight , with comely Grace , Put off his Hat , to put his Case : Which he as proudly entertain'd . As the other courteously strain'd . And to assure him , 't was not that He look'd for ; Bid him put on 's Hat . Quoth he , there is one Sidrophel Whom I have cudgel'd — Very well . And now he brags , t' have beaten me . Better , and better still , quoth he . And vows to stick me to a Wall Where e're he meets me — best of all . 'T is true , the Knave has taken's Oath That I rob'd him — Well done in troth . When h' has confest he stole my Cloak , And pick'd my Fob , and what he took , Which was the cause that made me bang him , And take my Goods again — marry hang him : Now whether I should , before hand Swear he rob'd me ? I understand , Or bring my Action of Conversion And Trover for my Goods ? Ah Whorson . Or if 't is better to indite , And bring him to his Trial ? — Right , Prevent what he designs to do , And swear for th' State against him ? — True . Or whether he that is Defendant In this Case , has the better end on 't ; Who putting in a new cross-bill , May traverse th' Action — better still . Then there 's a Lady too . — I marry , That 's easily prov'd accessary . A Widow , who by solemn Vows , Contracted to me , for my Spouse , Combin'd with him to break her word , And has abetted all — Good Lord , Suborn'd the aforesaid Sidrophel , To tamper with the Dev'l of Hell . Who put me into horrid fear , Fear of my Life , — Make that appear . Made an assault , with Fiends and Men. Vpon my body . — Good agen . And kept me in a deadly fright And false Imprisonment all Night , Mean while , they rob'd me , and my Horse , And stole my Saddle , — worse and worse ; And made mount upon the bare-ridge , T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage . Sir , quoth the Lawyer , not to flatter ye , You have as Good , and Fair a Battery , As heart can wish , and need not shame The proudest Man alive to claim . For if th' have us'd you , as you say , Marry , quoth I , God give you joy , I would it were my Case , I 'd give , More than I 'll say , or you 'll believe . I would so trounce her , and her Purse , I 'ld make her kneel for bett'r or worse ; For Matrimony , and Hanging here , Both go by destiny so clear , That you as sure , may Pick and Choose , As Cross I win , and Pile you lose . And if I durst , I would advance As much , in Ready Maintenance ; As upon any Case I 've known : But we that practice dare not own , The Law severely contrabands , Our taking Business off Mens hands ; 'T is Common barratry , that bears Point blank an Action 'gainst our Ears , And crops them , till there is not Leather To stick a Pin in , left of either ; For which , some do the Sommer-sault And o'er the Bar , like Tumblers , vault . But you may swear at any rate Things not in Nature , for the State : For in all Courts of Justice here A Witness is not said to swear , But make Oath , that is , in plain terms To forge whatever he affirms : ( I thank you , quoth the Knight , for that , Because 't is to my purpose pat — ) For Justice , though she 's painted blind , Is to the weaker side enclin'd , Like charity , else right , and wrong , Could never hold it out so long , And , like blind Fortune , with a slight , Conveys Mens Interest , and Right , From Stiles's Pocket , into Nokeses : As easily as Hocus Pocus . Plays fast and loose , makes Men Obnoxious , And clear again , like Hiccius-Doctius . Then whether you would take her life , Or but recover , her for your Wife : Or be content with what she has , And let all others matters Pass , The Business to the Law 's alone , The proof is all it look's upon . And you can want no Witnesses , To swear to any thing you please . That hardly get their meer Expences By th' Labor of their Consciences , Or letting out to hire , their Ears , To Affidavit Customers : At inconsiderable values , To serve for Jury-men , or Tales , Although retain'd in th' hardest matters , Of Trustees , and Administrators : For that , quoth he , let me alone , W' have store of such , and all our own , Bred up and tutor'd , by our Teachers , The ablest of Conscience-stretchers . That 's well ! Quoth he , But I should Guess , By weighing of Advantages . Your surest way is first to Pitch On Bougey , for a Water-witch : And when y' have hang'd the Conjurer , Y' have time enough to deal with her . In th' Intrim ; Spare for no Trepans , To draw her Neck , into the Banes ; Ply her with Love-Letters , and Billets , And Bait'em well , for Quirks , and Quillets , With Trains t' inveigle and surprise , Her Heedless Answers , and Reply's : And if she miss the Moustrap-Lines , They 'll serve for other By-Designs : And make an Artist understand , To Copy out her Seal , or Hand : Or find void Places in the Paper , To steal in something to Intrap her . 'Till with her worldly Goods , and Body , Spight of her heart , she has indow'd ye Retain all sorts of Witnesses , That ply i th' Temples , under Trees . Or walk the Round , with Knights o t'h Posts : About the Cross-leg'd Knights , their hosts , Or wait for Customers , between The Piller-Rows in Lincolns-Inn . Where Vouchers , Forgers , Common-bayl , And Affidavit-men , ne'r fail T' expose to Sale , all sorts of Oaths , According to their Ears , and Cloaths . Their only Necessary Tools , Besides the Gospel , and their Souls . And when y' are furnish'd with all Purveys I shall be ready at your service . I would not give , quoth Hudibras , A straw to understand a Case , Without the admirabler skill To Wind , and Manage it at Will : To Vere , and Tack , and steer a Cause , Against the Weather-gage of Laws ; And Ring the Changes upon Cases , As plain , as Noses upon Faces . As you have well instructed me , For which you have earn'd ( here 't is ) your Fee , I long to practice your advice And try the subtle Artifice : To bait a Letter , as you bid , As not long after , thus he did , For having pump'd up all his Wit , And humm'd upon it , thus he writ .

An Heroical Epistle of Hudibras to his Lady . I Who was once as great as Caesar , Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezer . And from as fam'd a Conqueror As ever took degree in War , Or did his Exercise in Battel , By you turn'd out to Grass with Cattel . For since I am deny'd access To all my Earthly Happiness . Am fallen from the Paradise Of your good Graces , and fair Eyes . Lost to the World , and you , I 'm sent To Everlasting Banishment , Where all the Hopes I had , t' have won Your heart , being dash'd , will break my own . Yet if you were not so severe To pass your doom , before you hear , You 'll find , upon my just defence , How much y' have wrong'd my Innocence , That once I made a Vow to you , Which yet is unperform'd 't is true ; But not , because it is unpaid , 'T is Violated , though delay'd : Or if it were , it is no fault So heinous , as you 'ld have it thought , To undergo the loss of Ears , Like vulgar Hackney Perjurers , For there 's a difference in the case Between the Noble , and the Base : Who always are observ'd t' have don 't , Upon as different an account : The one for great , and weighty Cause , To salve in Honour ugly Flaws . For none are like to do it sooner , Than those , who are nicest of their Honour . The other , for base Gain , and Pay , Forswear , and Perjure , by the Day ; And make th' exposing , and retailing Their Souls , and Consciences , a Calling . It is no Scandal , nor Aspersion , Upon a Great and noble Person , To say , he Nat'rally abhorr'd Th' old fashion'd trick , to keep his Word , Though 't is persidiousness , and shame , In meaner Men , to do the same . For to be able to Forget , Is found more useful , to the Great : Then Gout , or Deafness , or bad Eyes , To make 'em pass for wondrous wise . But though the Law , on Perjurers , Inflicts the Forfeiture of Ears ; It is not just , that does exempt The Guilty , and punish the innocent , To make the Ears repair the wrong , Committed by th' ungovern'd Tongue ; And when one Member is forsworn , Another to be cropt or torn . And if you should , as you design , By course of Law recover mine . You 're like , if you consider right , To gain but little Honour by 't . For he that for his Ladies sake Lays down his Life , or Limbs at Stake , Does not so much deserve her Favour , As he that pawns his Soul to have her . This y' have acknowledg'd I have done Although you now disdain to own : But sentence , what you rather ought T' esteem good Service , than a Fault . Besides , Oaths are not bound to bear That Literal Sense , the words infer , But by the practice of the Age , Are to be judg'd how far th' ingage . And where the Sense by Custom 's checkt , Are found void , and of none effect . For no Man takes , or keeps a Vow , But just as he sees others do , Nor are th' oblig'd to be so brittle , As not to yield , and bow a little , For as best temper'd Blades are found Before they break , to bend quite round , So truest Oaths are still most tough , And though they bow , are breaking-proof . Then wherefore shall they not b' allow'd In love a greater-Latitude ? For as the Law of Arms approves All way● to Conquests , so should Loves ; And not be ty'd to true or false , But make that justest , that prevails , For how can that which is above , All Empire , High and Mighty Love , Submit it 's great Prerogative , To any other power alive ? Shall Love , that to no Crown gives place Become the subject of a Case ? The Fundamental Law of Nature , Be over-rul'd ! by those made after ? Commit the censure of its Cause To any , but it 's own Great Laws ? Love , that 's the Worlds preservative , That keeps all Souls of things alive ? Controuls the Mighty pow'r of Fate , And gives Mankind a longer date . The Life of Nature , that restores , As fast as Time and Death devours , To whose free gift , the World does ow Not only Earth but Heav'n too : For Love's the only Trade that 's driven The Interest of State in Heaven , Which nothing but the Soul of Man , Is capable to entertain . For what can Earth produce , but Love To represent the Joys above ? Or who , but Lovers , can converse , Like Angels : by the Eye Discourse ? Address , and complement by Vision , Make Love , and Court by intuition ? And burn in amorous Flames as fierce , As those Celestial Ministers ? Then how can any thing offend In order , to so great an end ? Or Heav'n it self a Sin resent , That for its own supply was ment ? That merits in a kind mistake , A Pardo● for the offences sake . Or if it did not , but the Cause Were left to th' injury of Laws , What tyranny can disapprove There should be Equity in Love ? For Laws that are Inanimate , And feel no sense of Love , or Hate : That have no Passion of their own , Not pity to be wrought upon , Are only proper to inflict Revenge , or Criminals , as strict But to have Power to forgive , Is Empire , and Prerogative ; And 't is in Crowns , a nobler Jem , To grant a Pardon , then condemn . Then since so few do what they ought 'T is great t' indulge a well-meant fault . For why should he , who made address All humble ways , without success , And met with nothing in return , But Insolence , Affronts , and Scorn , Not strive by Wit to countermine , And bravely carry his Design ? He who was us'd so unlike a Soldier , Blown up with Philters of Love-Powder ? And after letting Blood and Purging , Condemn'd to voluntary Scourging ? Alarm'd with many a horrid Fright , And claw'd , by Goblins , in the Night ? Insulted on , Revil'd and Jeer'd , With rude Invasion of his Beard ? And when your Sex was foully scandal'd , As foully by the Rabble handled ? Attack'd by despicable Foes , And drub'd with mean and vulgar blows ; And after all , to be debarr'd So much as standing on his Gaurd ? When Horses being spurr'd and prick'd , Have leave to kick for being kick'd , Or why should you , whose Mother Wits Are furnish'd with all Perquisits ? That with your Breeding Teeth begin , And Nursing Babies , that Lie in ? B' allow'd to put all tricks upon Our Cully-Sex , and we use none ? We , who have nothing but frail Vows , Against your Statagems t' oppose ? Or Oaths , more feeble than your own , By which , we are no less put down ? You wound , like Parthians , while you fly , And kill with a Retreating Eye ; Retire the more , the more we press , To draw us into Ambushes . As Pyrates all false Colours wear , T' intrap th' unwary Mariner : So Women , to surprize us , spread Their borrowed Flags , of White and Red. Display 'em thicker on their Cheeks , Than their old Grand-mothers , the Picts : And raise more Devils with their Looks , Than Conjurers less subtil Books , Lay Trains of Amorous Intrigues , In Towrs , and Curls , and Perriwigs . With greater Art and cunning rear'd , Than Philip Ny's Thanks-giving-beard , Prepost'rously t' intice , and Gain Those to adore 'em they disdain : And onely draw 'em in , to clog With idle Names , a Catalogue , A Lover is , the more he 's brave , T' his Mistress , but the more a Slave , And whatsoever she commands Becomes a Favour from her hands ; Which he 's oblig'd t' obey , and must , Whether it be unjust , or just . Then when he is compell'd by her T' Adventures , he would else forbear , Who , with his Honour , can withstand , Since Force is greater than Command ? And when Necessity 's obey'd Nothing can be unjust or bad : And therefore when the mighty Pow'rs Of Love , your great Ally , and yours ; Joyn'd Forces , not to be withstood By frail enamoured Flesh and Blood ; All I have done unjust or ill Was in obedience to your Will : And all the blame that can be due Falls to your Cruelty and you . Nor are those Scandals I confest , Against my Will , and Interest , More than is daily done of course By all men , when th' are under force . Whence some , upon the Rack , confess What th' Hang-man and their Prompters please . But are no sooner out of pain Then they deny it all again . But when the Devil turns Confessor , Truth is a Crime , he takes no pleasure To hear , or pardon , like the Founder Of Lyars , whom they all claim under . And therefore , when I told him none , I think it was the wiser done . Nor am I without Precedent , The first that on th' Adventure , went : All Mankind ever did of course , And daily does the same , or worse . For what Romance can shew a Lover , That had a Lady to recover , And did not steer a nearer Course , To fall aboard in his Amours ? And wha● at first was held a Crime , Has turn'● to Honourable in time . To what a height did Infant Rome , By Ravishing of Women come ? When Men upon their Spouses seiz'd , And freely Marry'd where they pleas'd : They ne'r Forswore themselves nor Ly'd , Nor in the Minds they were in , Dy'd Nor took the pains t' address and sue , Nor plaid the Masquerade to wooe . Disdain'd to stay for Friends Consents Nor juggled about Settlements : Did need no License , nor no Priest , Nor Friends , nor Kindred to assist ; Nor Lawyers , to joyn Land and Money , In th' Holy State of Matrimony : Before they setled Hands and Hearts , Till Alimony , or Death departs : Nor would endure to stay , until Th' had got the very Bride's Good Will But took a wise and shorter Course , To win the Lady's , Down-right Force . And justly made 'em Prisoners then , As they have often since , us Men ; With Acting Plays , and Dancing Jiggs , The luckiest of all Love's Intrigues : And when they had them at their pleasure , Then talkt of Love , and Flames , at leisure For , after Matrimony's over , He that holds out but Half a Lover , Deserves for ev'ry Minute , more Than half a Year of Love before : For which the Dames , in Contemplation Of that best way of Application , Prov'd Nobler Wives than e'er were known , By Suit , or Treaty , to be won : And such as all Posterity Could never equal , nor come nigh . For Women first were made for Men , Not Men for them . — It follows then , That Men have Right to every one , And they no F●eedom of their own : And therefore Men have pow'r to chuse , But they no Charter to refuse . Hence 't is apparent , that what Course So e'er we take to your Amours , Though by the indirectest way , 'T is no Injustice , nor Foul Play . And that you ought to take that Course , As we take you , for Bett'r or Worse ; And gratefully submit to those Who you , before another chose : For why should every savage Beast Exceed his Great Lord's Interest ? Have freer Pow'r , than he , in Grace , And Nature , o'er the Creature has ? Because the Laws he since has made Have cut off all the Pow'r he had ; Retrench'd the absolute Dominion , That Nature gave him , over Women . When all his Pow'r will not extend ▪ One Law of Nature to suspend : And but to offer to repeal The smallest Clause , is to rebell . This , if Men rightly understood Their Privilege , they would make good ; And not , like Sots , permit their Wives T' encroach on their Prerogatives . For which Sin , they deserve to be Kept , as they are , in Slavery . And this , some precious Gifted Teachers Unrev'rently reputed Leachers ; And disobey'd in making Love , Have vow'd to all the World , to prove And make y●●●ffer , as ye ought , For that uncharitable Fault . But , I forget my self , and rove Beyond th' Instructions of my Love . Forgive me ( Fair ) and only blame Th' Extravagancy of my Flame , Since 't is too much , at once to shew Excess of Love , and Temper too . All I have said that 's bad , and true , Was never meant to aim at you ; Who have so Sov'rain a Controul O'er that poor Slave of yours , my Soul : That , rather than to forfeit you , Has ventur'd loss of Heaven too . Both with an equal Pow'r possest , To render all that serve you Blest : But none like him , who 's destin'd , either To have , or lose you , both together . And if you 'l but this fault release , ( For so it must be , since you please , ) I 'll pay down all that Vow , and more , Which you commanded , and I swore , And expiate upon my Skin , The Arrears in full of all my Sin . For , 't is but just , that I should pay Th' accruing Penance for Delay . Which shall be done , until it move Your equal pity , and your Love . The Knight , perusing this Epistle , Believ'd h 'had brought her to his Whistle ; And read it , like a jocund Lover , With great applause t' himself , twice over ; Subscrib'd his Name , but at a Fit , And humble distance , to his wit ; And dated it with wondrous Art , Giv'n from the bottom of his heart : Then seal'd it with his Coat of Love A smoaking Faggot — and above Upon a Scroll — I burn , and weep , And near it — For her Ladyship ; Of all her Sex , most excellent , These to her gentle Hands present . Then gave it to his Faithful Squire , With Lessons how t' observe and eye her . She first consider'd which was better , To send it back , or burn the Letter : But , guessing that it might import , Though nothing else , at least , her Sport . She open'd it , and read it out , With many a smile , and learing Flout : Resolv'd to answer it in kind , And thus perform'd what she design'd .

THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT . THat you 'r a Beast , and turn'd to Grass , Is no strange News , nor ever was ; At least , to me , who once , you know , Did from the Pound , Replevin you . When both your Sword , and Spurs , were won In Combat , by an Amazon ; That Sword , that did ( like Fate ) determine Th' Inevitable Death of Vermine : And never dealt its furious blows , But cut the Threds of Pigs and Cows ; By Trulla was in single Fight , Disarm'● and wrested from its Knight . Your Heels Degraded of your Spurs , And in the Stocks , close Prisoners , Where still th' had Layn in base Restraint , If I , in pity of your Complaint , Had not on Honourable Conditions , Releast'em from the worst of Prisons ; And what Return that favour met , You cannot ( though you would ) forget ; When , being free , you strove t' evade The Oaths you had in Prison made : Forswore your self , and first deny'd it ; But after own'd , and justify'd it ; And when y' had falsely broke one Vow , Absolv'd your self by breaking two . For while you sneakingly submit , And beg for Pardon at our Feet : Discourag'd by your guilty Fears , To hope for Quarter for your Ears . And doubting 't was in vain to sue , You claim us boldly as your due . Declare that Treachery and Force To deal with us is th' only Course . Who have no Title nor Pretence , To Body , Soul , or Conscience : But ought to fall to that Man's share , That claims us for his proper Ware . These are the Motives , which t' induce , Or fright us into Love , you use , A pretty new way of Gallanting , Between Solliciting and Ranting ; Like sturdy Beggars , that intreat For Charity at once , and threat . But since you undertake to prove Your own Propriety in Love , As if we were but Lawful Prize In War , between two Enemies ; Or Forfeitures , which ev'ry Lover That would but sue for , might recover . It is not hard to understand The My●●'ry of his Bold Demand : That cannot at our Persons aim , But something capable of Claim . 'T is not those paultry counterfeit French Stones , which in our Eyes you set : But our Right Diamonds , that inspire , And set your Amorous Heart on fire . Nor can those false St. Martins Beads , Which on our Lips you laid for Reds ; And make us wear , like Indian Dames , Add Fewel to your Scorching Flames . But those true Rubies of the Rock , Which in our Cabinets we lock . 'T is not those Orient Pearls , our Teeth , That you are so transported with : But those we wear about our Necks , Produce those Amorous Effects , Nor is 't those Threads of Gold , our Hair , The Perewigs you make us wear : But those bright Guinneys in our Chests , That light the Wild-Fire in your Breasts . These Love-tricks I 've been vers'd in so , That all their sly Intrigues I know . And can unriddle , by their Tones , The Mystick Cabals , and Jargones . Can tell what Passions , by their Sounds , Pine for the Beauties of my Grounds : What Raptures fond , and Amorous O' th' Charms and Graces of my House . What Exstacy , and Scorching Flame Burns for my Mony , in my Name . What from th' unnatural desire To Beasts and Cattel , take its fire . What tender Sigh , and trickling Tear , Longs for a thousand Pound a Year . And Languishing Transports are fond Of Statute , Mortgage , Bill and Bond. These are th' Attracts which most Men fall Inamour'd , at first sight , withal . To these th' address with Serenades , And Cou●t with ●alls and Masquerades ; And yet , for all the yearning Pain Y' have suffer'd for their Loves , in vain : I fear they 'l prove so nice and coy , To have and t' hold , and to enjoy ; That all your Oaths , and Labour lost , They 'l ne'er turn Ladies of the post . This is not meant to disapprove Your Judgment in your Choice of Love ; Which is so wise , the greatest part Of Mankind study 't as an Art . For Love should , like a Deodand , Still fall to th' owner of the Land : And where there 's Substance for its Ground Cannot but be more firm , and sound , Than that which has the slighten Basis Of Airy Vertue , Wit and Graces : Which is of such thin Subtilty , It steals and creeps in at the Eye . And , as it can't endure to sta● Steals out again as nice a way But Love , that its Extraction owns From soild Gold , and precious Stones ; Must , like its shining Parents prove As Solid , and as Glorious Love . Hence 't is , you have no way t' express Our Charms and Graces , but by these : For , what are Lips , and Eyes and Teeth , Which Beauty invades , and conquers with ? But Rubies , Pearls and Diamonds ; With which a Philter Love commands ? This is the way all Parents prove , In imagining their Children's Love ; That force 'em t' inter-marry and wed , As if th' were Bur'ing of the Dead . Cast Earth to Earth , as in the Grave , To joyn in Wedlock all they have . And when the Settlement's in force , Take all the rest , For Better , or Worse ; For Mony has a Power above The Stars and Fate , to manage Love : Whose Arrows , Learned Poets hold , That never miss , are tipp'd with Gold . And tho some say , the Parents claims To make Love in their Children's Names . Who , many times , at once , provide The Nurse , the Husband , and the Bride . Feel Darts and Charms , Attracts and Flames ; And woo , and contract , in their Names . And as they Christen , use to marry 'em , And , like their Gossips , answer for 'em : Is not to give in Matrimony ; But sell and prostitute for Mony . 'T is better than their own Betrothing ; Who often do 't for worse than nothing . And when th' are at their own Dispose , With greater disadvantage chuse . All this is right ! But for the Course You take to do 't , by Fraud or Force : 'T is so ridiculous , as soon As told , 't is never to be done No more than Setters can betray , That tell what Tricks they are to play . Marriage , at best , is but a Vow ; Which all Men either break , or bow : Then what will those forbear to do , Who perjure , when they do but woo ? Such as , beforehand , swear and lye , For Earnest to their Treachery : And , rather than a Crime confess , With greater , strive to make it less . Like Thieves , who , after Sentence past , Maintain their Innocence to the last . And when their Crimes were made appear As plain as Witnesses can swear . Yet , when the Wretches come to dye , Will take upon their Deaths a Lye . Nor are the Vertues , you confest T' your Ghostly Father , as you guest , So slight , as to be justify'd , By being , as shamefully , deny'd . As if you thought your Word would pass Point-blank , on both sides , of a Case , Or Credit were not to be lost , B' a Brave Knight Errant of the post . That eats , perfidiously , his Word , And swears his Ears through a two Inch Board : Can own the same thing , and disown ; And perjure Booty , Pro and Con. Can make the Gospel serve his turn , And help him out to be forsworn ; When 't is laid hands upon , and kiss'd , To be betray'd , and sold , like Christ . These are the Vertues , in whose Name A Right to all the World you claim : And boldly challenge a Dominion , In Grace and Nature , o'er all Women . Of whom , no less will satisfie , Than all the Sex , your Tyranny . Although you 'l find it a hard Province , With all your crafty Frauds and Covins , To govern such a numerous Crew , Who , one by one , now govern you : For if you all were Solomons , And Wise and Great as he was once , You 'll find Th' are able to subdue , ( As they did him ) and baffle you . And if you are impos'd upon , 'T is by your own Temptation done : That with your Ignorance invite , And teach us how to use the slight . For , when we find y' are still more taken With false Attracts of our own making ; Swear that 's a Rose , and that a Stone , Like Sots to us that laid in on : And what we did but slightly prime , Most ignorantly daub in Rhime : You force us in our own Defences , To copy Beams and Influences ; To lay Perfections on the Graces , And dr●w Attracts upon our Faces : And , in compliance to your Wit , Your own false Jewels counterfeit . For , by the practice of those Arts , We gain a greater share of Hearts : And those deserve in reason most , That greatest pains and study cost ; For , great Perfections are like Heav'n , Too rich a Present to be given . Nor are those Master-strokes of Beauty To be perform'd without hard Duty : Which , when th' are nobly done , and well , The simple Natural excel . How fair and sweet the planted Rose , Beyond the Wild in Hedges grows ? For , without Art , the Noblest Seeds Of Flow'rs degenerate to Weeds : How dull and rugged e'er 't is Ground ? And Polish'd , looks a Diamond ? Though Paradise was e'er so fair , It was not kept so without Care . The whole World , without Art and Dress , Would be but one great Wilderness . And Mankind but a Savage Herd , For all that Nature has conferr'd . This does but Rough-hew , and Design , Leave Art to Polish , and Refine , Though Women first were made for Men , Yet Men were made for them agen : For when ( out - witted by his Wife ) Man first turn'd Tenant , but , for Life . If Women had not interven'd , How soon had Mankind had an end ? And that it is in Being yet , To us alone , you are in Debt , Then where 's your liberty of Choice , And our unnatural No-voice ? Since all the Privilege you boast , And falsly usurp'd , or vainly lost , Is now our Right ; to whose Creation , You owe your Happy Restoration . And if we had not weighty Cause To not appear in making Laws , We could , in spight of all your Tricks , And Shallow , Formal Politicks ; Force you , our Managements t' obey , As we to yours ( in shew ) give way . Hence 't is , that while you vainly strive T' advance your high Prerogative , You basely , after all your Braves , Submit , and own yourselves our Slaves . And 'cause we do not make it known Nor Publickly our Int'rests own ; Like Sots , suppose we have no shares In ord'ring you , and your Affairs : When all your Empire and Command You have from us at Second Hand , As if a Pilot , that appears To sit still only , while he steers : And does not make a noise and stir . Like every common Mariner Knew nothing of the Card nor Star ; And did not guide the Man of War . Nor we , because we don't appear In Councels , do not govern there . While like the Mighty Prester John , Whose Person none dares look upon ; But is preserv'd in Close Disguise From being made cheap to vulgar Eyes W' enjoy as large a Pow'r unseen , To govern him , as he does Men : And , in the Right of our Pope Joan , Make Emp'rors at our feet fall down . Or Joan the Pucel's braver Name , Our Right to Arms and Conduct claim Who , though a Spinster , yet was able , To serve France for a Grand Constable . We make and execute all Laws ; Can judge the Judges , and the Cause . Prescribe all Rules of Right or Wrong , To th' Long Robe , and the Longer Tongue ; 'Gainst which the World has no defence , But our more pow'rful Eloquence . We manage things of greatest weight In all the World's Affairs of State . Are Ministers of War and Peace , That sway all Nations how they please . We rule all Churches , and their Flocks , Heretical , and Orthodox . And are the Heavenly Vehicles O' th' Spirit , in all Conventicles . By us is all Commerce and Trade Improv'd , and manag'd , and decay'd . For , nothing can go off so well , Nor bears that Price , as what we sell . We rule in ev'ry Publick Meeting , And make Men do what we judge fitting . Are Magistrates in all great Towns ; Where Men do nothing but wear Gowns . We make the Man of War strike S●il , And to our braver Conduct vail ▪ And , when h' has chac'd his Enemies , Submit to us upon his Knees . Is there an Officer of State , Vntimely rais'd ; or Magistrate , That 's Haughty , and Imperious ? He 's but a Journey-man to us . That , as he gives us cause to do 't , Can keep him in , or turn him out . We are your Guardians , that increase , Or Waste your Fortunes , how we please , And , as you humour us , can deal In all your Matters ill or well . 'T is we that can dispose alone , Whether your Heirs shall be your own . To whose Integrity you must , In spight of all your Caution , trust , And ' less you fly beyond the Seas , Can fit you which what Heirs we please : And force you● ' own 'em , though begotten By Fre●ch Valets , or Irish Foot-men . Nor can the rigorousest Course Prevail , unless to make us worse . Who , still the harsher we are us'd , Are further off from being reduc'd : And scorn t' abate , for any Ills , The least Punctilio of our Wills . Force does but whet our Wits to apply Arts , born with us , for Remedy : Which all your Politicks , as yet , Have ne'er been able to defeat . For , when y' have try'd all sorts of ways , What Fools d'we make of you in Plays ? While all the Favours we afford , Are but to girt you with the Sword , To fight our Battels in our steads , And have your Brains beat out o' your Heads : Encounter in despight of Nature ; And fight at once with Fire and Water , With Pyrates , Rocks , and Storms and Seas , Our Pride and Vanity t' appease . Kill one another , and cut Throats , For our good Graces , and best Thoughts ; To do your Exercise for Honour , And have your Brains beat out the sooner ; Or crack'd , as Learnedly , upon Things that are never to be known : And still appear the more industrious , The more your Projects are prepost'rous . To square the Circle of the Arts ; And run stark mad to shew your Parts , Expound the Oracle of Laws , And turn them which way we see Cause . Be our Sollicitors , and Agents , And stand for us in all Engagements . And these are all the Mighty Powers , You vainly boast , to cry down ours . And what in real Value's wanting , Supply with Vapouring and Ranting : Because your selves are terrify'd , And stoop to one another's Pride : Believe we have as little Wit To be Out-Hector'd , and Submit : By your Example , lose that Right In Treaties , which we gain'd in Fight : And terrify'd into an Awe , Pass on our selves a Salick Law , Or , as some Nations use , give place , And truckle to your Mighty Race . Let Men usurp th' unjust Dominion , As if they were the better Women . FINIS .