I Know you expect I should be as good as my word , and truly so I will to the utmost of my poor power , because of the great regard I have for your Person , Cause , and Interest ; and before I enter upon any more lines of your sweet face , in order to perfect your Picture , let us take a dish of drink together , and give you a true state of your interest here in England , and when we consider the excellent qualifications of your Hell-born Crew here , you may easily conclude what a nasty pickle you and my old Landlady are in ; and that I shall do in these six particulars .

1. Your Cattel here have acted their parts , in tampering to make parties against the present Government , which parties were to have been made either of your Friends or your Enemies ; the former are such a parcel of Cowardly Rascals , that , to tell you the truth , as they quitted your Father in the time when he had most occasion for them , so they did you ; witness your friends both here and in Scotland too ▪ notwithstanding the application they made by your especial direction to Sir Timothy Stiff-Jaws , when old Preston's hopeful design was baffled by the vigilance of the present Government , nay , I doubt not but that they might by Scotch Robin have made some effort of that nature upon some of our Dissenters ; but alas , it was to no purpose , for they understood their Interest ( as well as an old friend of yours did of cheating your Brother of a tickling summ , you know for what use ) and therefore all attempts ( if ever any ) were to all intents and purposes fruitless and vain ; well , I pray what tools did you make use of , very sorry ones upon my word , a sort of people whose persons were neither known , nor had they credit for a two-penny Loaf ; persons not able to make you a party worth the mentioning , nor can I ( by the best enquiry I can make ) tell who set them on work , or what Warrant or Authority they have for what they do , for if one should ask Sir Timothy Stiff-Jaws , to whom ( as I said before ) they were to make application , he would swear by my Landlady's white hand , that he knew never a Rogue of them all , and would not lose his good Preferment as long as there was a shilling to be got , though I must tell you , that in spight of the Whore his neighbour , he hath quitted his Post since a penny could not be got in it with any great matter of content : he is now at Grass , and waits , dear Sir , for a comfortable minute , that he may have my Landlady by the hand again without disturbance . I suppose he might make you under-hand half a dozen poor Curs , and these the Rogues call a Party , and a Party for you , and upon the strength of these Fellows impudence , your nonsensical Crew shamm'd a simple Declaration from you , bearing date from St. Germains , which did you more hurt than the Fishermen of Feversham could do for their hearts blood : Well , when your gracious Declaration came , Lord ! What a stir they made with it , and publish it they would , hand over head , without any regard had for the Publishers and disposers of the same , or the least thought of making any provision for those willing Vermin , that lay at the mercy of our Government , to be drawn , hang'd and quartered , for such an eminent piece of service ; and some of them have taken a civil swing , tho much ado before they could be perswaded to it .

You was not pleased to put us off with one Declaration , but a second and a third was issued forth , bearing date from St. Germains , in which you lovingly declared what great and good things they should have , the Lord knows when , if they would but meet you the Lord knows where : But , I pray Sir , why did you reflect upon the ingratitude of some of your old Friends ? Alas ! alas ! you did not well consider that they might be got into good employments , in which they were to Battle their sweet Bodies for a convenient season ; or it may be if some of them had been so scandalous that they could not get into an employment of considerable trust , they were got behind the Hangings , with a comfortable Pension , to the end that they may use King William in that Post , as they did you when you employed them : Nay , sweet Sir , now I think on 't , there is your old Friend Sir Simkin you know , who turned Whig to betray the Whigs to your Brother , and then he turned Tory to betray your Brother to the Whigs , then turned Papist to betray your good Worship ; what could you do with such a Spark if he should take the other turn , but keep him behind the Hangings , to do some job or another , tho it cost you two or three thousand pounds per annum for Secret service ; for in my conscience Rhiming Jack Carryl , and the rest of your doughty Crew at St. Germains , would scarce sit at Council-board with him , he would be so scandalous ; he saith he is a man of good parts , and wou●d himself sign a Certificate even upon Oath , since honour hath so long been a stranger to him , yet none of your poor humble Curs now with you , would be seen in his company for forty shillings a man , lest he should betray you once more . Come , let me ask you one civil question , if you should be King of Poland , or Jerusalem , or Ushant , or Bell Isle ? Would you ever admit him so much as Clerk of your Kitchen ; truly you must have the Grace of a great deal of good Nature , to believe him worthy of such an Employ ; for since he hath made so many turns , let him have nothing with you but that of a Turnspit , he being too lend for any else ; yet for all this , this Case-hardened Coxcomb , that brags of doing great feats for the support of our Government , hath pretended to such an Interest with you , and my very good Landlady , that one would think that he was ready to make another turn , and some of your Cattle here would fain make us believe he is doing you service . For my part I don 't , but if you believe it , you may then imagine , that by him you may accomplish your restoration , without putting your friend Lewis to the charge of an hard Onion or a round Coal in the said service ; if they cannot rely upon him , the fools will brag that they have some friends that are in place . I confess I do see some of your old Villains yet employed , but the boast that is made by your Crew of their aid and assistance is rather noisie than dangerous ; I am more affraid of the men of Brains , Quality and Reserve , that manage in the dark , I am sure we cannot be too wary of such Instruments . I looked upon Sir Timothy Stiff-Jaws and Sir Formal the younger to be more dangerous instruments for your service , than ever Sir Simkin could pretend to be ; and they would have appeared in their colours , could your old hanged Excise-man have carried his point , for you know four thousand Horse at command is a pretty Post , and might have done something , I 'll assure you , towards your changing your French air , of which I suppose you are pretty weary : But what next , what are we to do now ? Truly since Betraying and Plotting is pretty well out of fashion , Sir Simkin sets up a Mercury Office to help men to places , and values himself much upon his last calling ; how long the trade will last I can't tell , but if I thought it would hold any considerable time , I would put a friend of mine an apprentice to him for seven years , provided he might be free of the Trade when he comes out of his time .

I ▪ ll warrant you now that you have a great desire to know of Sir Simkin's good health , and when I saw him : Truly Sir , I see him often ; and he hath his health well , but he hath left off the use of his Beads ; and leaving them off at an unseasonable time , it was of some prejudice to the little reputation he had amongst some of your friends ; as for Mother Church , she hath left him as an out-cast , and what game he is playing , the Dee'l and John a Cumber knows best : his office doth take pretty well as I hear , I have not had occasion to make use of him , you may have a cast of his Office if you will trust him again .

2. I am to observe a second thing to you , concerning your willing friends here , and that relates to their Pamphlets , which I must tell you , Sir , are spitefully dangerous ; that it is death to touch them , and so dear and tedious to spread them , that they are of little or no use to your Cause and Interest : For example , Scotch Robin's Great Britains , Groans by reason of the depredation of the Dutch : The lying Rascal should have confessed , that the English had been very remiss on the one hand , and the Dutch very diligent on the other ; that hath been indeed the cause of our decay , and their interest in Trade ; but the Book ( had not there been too much of it ) was only to rail at King William ▪ s supposed mis-management of his Affairs , and thereby he would imply that he was a Tyrant ; but the Rogue durst not for his Ears say ; that King William was an Usurper , for if he had , he might have been hanged for his pains , without Madam Wilkinson's interposition to save him : But you may imagin , that it may be for your service to have King William ▪ s management of his Affairs exposed to the scorn and contempt of the World . Well , suppose it be , I believe he doth as little value it , as the Feversham men did your Worship , when they clapt your Arse . I do not find he is afraid to let a Parliament inspect his Management , and thanks be to God , he lets them have time enough to call delinquents to an Account ; but how in the name of an old Oyster-wench is this for your service ? For to publish his miscarriages ( to the world ) would be a notorious reflexion upon your Brother ▪ s Government and yours ; for your Scribblers , as Scotch Robin , and his friend old Hodge , and his inferiour crew , writing against K. William for the cause aforesaid , they write against you , and directly murther your sweet self , in compliment to James Stuart , late of Westminster , Labourer . These fellows when they write of our King William , they arraign him as a Tyrant , with little or no imputation upon him as an Usurper ; so that the clamour they make is about his Male administration ; so that tacitely they admit of his Authority , and so wound you through his sides . In a word , all they drive at is , that our King is not so good a man as your sweet self . I pray , Sir , is not their reflecting upon our King , a publication that you was a man that did break your Faith and Word with the people of England , with this difference only , that King William hath done it as well as you : Well , I think King William hath justified his Government and the management thereof to three Legal Parliaments ; and if you could but have done as much but to one ; you needed not to have ambled to St. Germains .

But , Sir , see what a pack of Rascals you rely upon , since all the subjects on which they treat , and propositions in their Books by them laid down , are as contrary to the interest they pretend to , as light is to darkness , nay Simkin himself could not have done your business more effectually , than these scoundrels have done it , for here they betray your Title and Honour , and sink your Prerogative , that if ever you should return , you would not have enough to piece the knees of your Breeches withal , and that would be a sad thing , my friend , to have that Royal business reduced to so low an ebb : surely these men are in hopes of Sir Simkin's getting them places : They write so wickedly for you , and as little to the purpose , as if they were disposed rather to six you in Rome , than in England , what is this but betraying you , and betraying is betraying , let it be to St. Germains or the Hague , it 's all one in the Original .

3. I would observe to you a third thing , if my Landlady and this little Cub would give us leave , and that is the Caba●ling of your Party , which is no more than their meeting in so many Clubs , for what I pray you , truly to stuff their Guts , make good Chear , drink your good Health and my Gammer Sweetapple , your young Cubs Health , one would have thought they had been all the disciples of Sir John Greasy Guts : nay , they do drink to your speedy Restoration , but the Devil a bit of Counsel or contrivance was there of restoring of you , and my Landlady , or drawing one single Soul to their Party , nay , they meat and drink it away as if the 80000 Pound that was forgiven to Sir John , had been divided amongst them to make them hearty merry ; in truth , Sir , their Expences one time were so lavish , that one would have thought that a Band of Pensioners had sat at St. Germains , and that Greasy Guts had been Speaker , to have supplied their extraordinary occasions , and that you had entrusted your Brothers old friend with t'other two hundred thousand pound , too be paid to them for secret service .

Truly , Sir , this they call secret service , and very well they may , good men , for it 's all over secret , only their Character , Names , Places of Abode , their Persons and their Business are known ; we could and can easily find them , and take them up when we please , without the charge of a Kingston or a Fuller to discover them , the former you will do well to return to his Trade of a Taylor , and the latter to that of a Coney-wool-cutter : You will say what is this Kingston ? Truly , Sir , an humble poor Cur of yours , that a friend of yours in the Kings Bench Court helped to the use of a Pulpit in the Diocess of Bristol , where the good man exercised his Talent , and run down the Popish Plot with all the shreds of Learning he had ; in time the Bp. of the Diocess came to understand , that this fellow had never been ordained by either Bp. or Presbyter , but that he had been only a broken Taylor , that had impudence enough without any colour of Law to get up into the Pulpit ; the Bp examined the matter , and dismissed my Spark from his preaching . Well , what then ? Truly the next thing he took up was to be a Spy upon a Party , to betray them , as if Sir Simkin had laid his hands upon him for that purpose , without the help of a Scotch Bp. here , and truly there was no manner of need of his service , for your Crew were as secret as Noon-day ; had these people managed as your Jesuits managed with you the Popish Plot , we had then stood in need of forty Spies , whereas in your last managed designs there was no need of one , for every man did so plainly see the foolish behaviour of your Conspirators , that they must have been blind had they not seen their designs

Who would be plagued with such a pack of Scoundrels ? I advise you to write to Sir Sweetface Tellpenny , that ●e pay off the Rogues that plot so foolishly , that they are the reproach of a Conspiracy , for they mind nothing but eating and drinking , as if they had been Consecrated for that work by Sir John Greasyguts , in a pretty Chapel a mile or two out of Town : but if the Gentleman pay them off , I pray let him do it without account , lest he should be forced to reduce his Books , as he once was upon another account ; but showing of Books and cutting of Books , and betraying our Masters , is as much out of fashion at Court , as the Mass it self ; and Royal Pimping left Whitehall when your Brother went to his place , and you in a decent manner left the Government ▪ being quietly driven from it by the perjured people of England . If Sir Sweetface Tellpenny should not be at leisure to discha●ge your Pensioner Plotters , I pray be so gracious as to let Honest Tom the Exchequer man do it ; that ▪ s a Loyal Our Pl●as●ure you , one ( that if he was well examined ) hath not only the talent of Sir John Greasyguts , but he hath a great deal of Sir Sweetface Tellpenny , so that he may in a most humble manner serve to cheat you , as both the other have done your dearest Brother , of pious memory ; they are all in pretty good Posts ( not Whipping-posts ) and have a fair opportunity through mercy to cheat a third Monarch , if he shall be so graciously pleased , without the least danger of standing in the Pillory for that acceptable piece of service .

But you say , what would men have you to do ? Truly I have nothing for you to do , but to recollect with your self what a set of Rogues you have rely'd on , and they have all failed you , and above all , to call to mind how they pretended Loyalty to you , tho they knew you ascended the Throne by fraud , perjury , violence , and murther ; and when you were driven from us , they struck in with the Government of a Prince , that ascended the Throne by the voice of the people , and pretend to have a great esteem for his Justice , and Valour , but in truth , it ▪ s for the Money-getting imployments they have met withal ; I say remember these things , and if you had but a grain of sense , you would do that to you self , you caused to be done to the truly noble , and never to be forgotten Earl of Essex .

4. I have a fourth thing to observe to you ; you have a number of fools that run up and down and brags of their Commissions , and foreign correspondence , shewing of Letters , &c. and sometimes they will prate of you , and your worthy Ministers at St. Germains : as Harry Higden , and the Town Bullies used to talk of a Constable and his Watch , and let the subject be what it will , the Scene is St. Germains , the Cypher it runs still in the old way of Trade and Law-suits with a Clause at the end of all to this effect ; I hope to see you suddenly , for my Uncle's Cause will come to a hearing the next Term. Now this is a vail every body sees through , and the deep mystery lies as open and intelligible , as a Proclamation ; nay one would think that Sir Simkin was amongst these people , and was incognito , ( as he was once you know where ) and so had betray ▪ d them , and exposed their pretences to the Government , and so you are once more betrayed in spight of your Teeth : Well , if you are , I can't help it , if I should cry my eyes out ; you must give them more caution for the time to come ; but upon the whole , you may see that your Rascally Crew , have neither Brains , nor Interest , nor Fortune , but have struck into a vein of intelligence by themselves , and for want of better security , they are forbid to vouch for one another ; they all sing the same song , and use the same authority for every thing they say , and do , and all this while not a Drawer in the Tavern they frequent , but can call every one by his right Nick-name , and tell what post he hath , or was to have enjoyed in your service , had your simple designs taken effect . Do but observe how these Vermin live in a great measure by spunging upon your sweet Self , or your credulous friends ; nay rather than the Rogues will be idle , they will fall into Distress to be helped out again , and spend what they get , in guttling and fuddling ; and as for those that have done you good service , they sham off , with a God-damn ye .