The works of F. Rabelais, M.D., or, The lives, heroic deeds and sayings of Gargantua and Pantagruel with a large account of the life and works of the author, particularly an explanation of the most difficult passages in them never before publish'd in any language / done out of French by Sir Tho. Urchard, Kt., and others.

portrait De Francisco Rabelaeso . Qui sic nugatur , tractantem vt Seria vincat Seria cum faciet , dic rogo quantus erit . Theodorus Beza 1552

THE WORKS OF F. RABELAIS , M.D. OR , The Lives , heroic Deeds and Sayings of GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL .

Done out of French by Sir Tho. Urchard , Kt. and others .

With a large Account of the Life and Works , of the Author , particularly an Explanation of the most difficult Passages in them . Never before Publish'd in any Language .

London , Printed for Richard Baldwin , near the Oxford Arms in Warwick-Lane , 1694.

TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE Edward Russel , Esq Admiral of Their Majesties Navy , One of the Lords of Their most honourable Privy Council &c. SIR ,

I Make bold to Dedicate to you a Book , whose Worth has fix'd on its learned Author the Character of the greatest Genius that France ever produc'd : Superstition , Tyranny and all the numerous Train of Vices and Extravagancies being ridicul'd in it with as much Wit as Judgment ; a Lover of Britain , envying to France such a Treasure , has made it a Prize ; and now it sets out with English Colours , fearless of its Enemies , under your powerful Patronage .

Pardon , Sir , the Necessity of this Address : It was not easie to find a Name worthy to be prefix'd to such a Work , which disobliging the blameable Inclinations of almost all Mankind , had left me but little Room for the Choice of a Patron . I knew none in whom I could be safer than in you , who , by the consent even of Envy , are not only granted to be free from those Defects , which render the generality of the World obnoxious to Satyr ; but would have turn'd our satyrical Author into a Panegyrist ; had he lived now , and , like us , seen every Vertue and heroic Accomplishment happily centred in your Person .

These Qualifications endearing you to Mankind made me eagerly embrace this Opportunity , to express in a public Manner my share of the Joy which fills every honest Breast in this Nation ; pleas'd , to see you resume the mighty Task , which you have discharg'd so much to its Glory and your own . Not to partake of the Sence of Gratitude , which they would all express , for what you have so bravely perform'd and still undertake for its Prosperity , would be to resemble those who do not think themselves oblig'd to the Sun , because he dispenses his Light and Heat to all ; as , on the other side , to pretend to impart to you a greater Lustre , would be like striving to add Brightness to that glorious Planet , that only withdraws a while to shine the more , and obscure the Train of Stars that supplied its Absence .

I can hardly hope , that this Book will deserve your Attention at this Juncture , when the most weighty Affairs in the World wholly employ your Thoughts : Yet , Sir , if your Care for the Welfare of your Country will admit no breathing Intervals , at least , when on your watry Charge you seek an Enemy , who has too deeply felt the Effects of your Valour , not to dread it as much as we love and admire it ; this ingenious Satyr may then not be unfit to lessen a while your Impatience in those tedious Moments . Thus when the Heroes of Argos embark'd in search of a Conquest , which the distance of the Prize only delay'd , they had their Orpheus to soften the Tediousness and Toyls of the Expedition .

May your next be no less Successful than theirs and your last ; and secure to these Kingdoms Peace and Plenty , that golden Fleece , which we , as well as the Heroes , who are Proud to follow while you lead , may now reasonably expect . Advance , Sir , to new Triumphs that wait for you : The Enemy who is to be Conquer'd , is but the same whom you have already Vanquish'd , and seems to have had time to Recruit the mighty Losses , which by your Valour and Conduct he sustain'd , only that he might be the more Worthy of giving those Vertues an Opportunity to exert themselves in a more glorious Manner .

They are so Conspicuous in you , Sir , as well as that Zeal for your Country's Happiness , the hereditary Attribute of your Noble Family , that it would be an impardonable Vanity in me to pretend to make them more known to this Age , by any thing of the Nature of this Address ; and it will be the proper Task of History to transmit them not only to the next , but to the latest Posterity . I will not therefore , Sir , tire you with Praises far below those which you so highly deserve and shun : And , since the Best and Ablest Patriots have , by public Acknowledgments of your great Merits , as it were , made themselves your Panegyrists , what can be left for a Person of my private Circumstances to do , but at a Distance to Admire you , and be Ambitious of no greater Name than that of ,

SIR , Your most Humble and most Devoted Servant . PETER MOTTEUX .

THE LIFE OF Dr. Francis Rabelais .

HAD Dr. Rabelais , like Cardan , Scaliger , Thuanus and other learned Men , given us the History of his Life ; employed , as it was , wholly in Mirth , and penn'd by so uncommon a Hand , it must needs have pleased not only more than the most diverting Works of others , but even more then his own unparalell'd Chronicle ▪

But by a cruel Fatality , most of th●se whose Works perpetuate the Lives of others , neglect to eternise their own by such a method ; and , instead of painting themselves and their most memorable Actions , only strive to be known by the Pictures of Strangers which they have drawn : Some of them , perhaps , slatter themselves with the Examples of a small number of happy Men the Pictures of whose Lives and Persons have been consecrated to Posterity by Pencils equal to those with which they had redeemed others from Oblivion ; but , as few prove kinder to us than our selves , those who expect to be excepted out of that Rule after their Deaths may be assur'd , That if by chance some of their able Survivers bestow one short minute to give , en passant , an imperfect Idea of their Resemblance , Ten ill hands rudely attempting to do the same , while they faintly hit one Lineament , will miscarry on the rest , and thus ignorantly or maliciously ridicule what they pretend to represent .

'T is true , the ancient Philosophers have had their Laertius and the Heros , their Contemporaries , their Plutarch : But now that History seems almost lost in disorderly Memoirs , its primitive Chaos , great Warriors are as unlikely to find good Historians as famous Authors .

Thus Rabelais , that greater Lucian of France , has been even worse us'd than that of Greece ; for though we know the Old only by his Writings , yet few fabulous Stories wrong his Memory , while that of Rabelais is so much abused by unkind Fame , that , to know him , it were perhaps better only to seek that Modern Lucian , as we do the Old , in the Pictures which he has drawn of others , than in those which his careless or malicious Painters have given us of him .

However , you have here the best Account I could get of him : Neither was it without much difficulty , that , out of the Ruins of Time , in a Kingdom where 't is not easie to find many Books and Persons that can inform us of that Author , I could get together what follows ; principally if we consider how little is to be found in the French late Editions of his Works .

FRANCIS RABELAIS was born about the Year 1483 , at Chinon , a very ancient little Town , scituate near the Place where the River Vienne loses it self into the Loire , in the Province of Touraine in France . His Father Thomas Rabelais was an Apothecary of that Town , and possessed an Estate called la Douïniere ; near which Place , Particular de la vie & moeurs de Rabelais , imprim . devant ses Oeuvres . having first sent his Son Francis to be Educated by the Monks of the Abbey of Sevillé , and finding that he did not improve , he removed him to the Vniversity of Angers , where he studied sometime at a Convent called la Baumette , but without any considerable Success . There he became acquainted with Messieurs Du Bellay , one of whom was afterwards Cardinal : And 't is said , that Rabelais having committed some Misdemeanor , was there very severely used .

A Famous Author writes , Scaevol . Samarthanus , lib. 1. Elog. Clar. Vir. That he was bred up in a Convent of Franciscan Friars in Poictou , and was received into their Order . Which Convent can be no other than that of Fontenay le Comte , Thresor Chronolog. de St. Romuald . 3d. part . in the said Province , where he proved a great Proficient in Learning ; in so much , that of the Friars , some envied him , some , through Ignorance , thought him a Conjurer ; and in short , all hated and misused him because he studied Greek ; the Beauties of which Tongue they could not relish ; its Novelty ▪ making them esteem it not only Barbarous , but Antichristian . This we partly observe by a Letter which Budaeus , Budaeus Graec. Epist. the most learned Man of his Age in that Tongue , writ to a Friend of Rabelais , wherein he highly Praises him , particularly for his Excellent Knowledge in that Tongue , and exclaims ▪ against the Stupidity and Ingratitude of those Friars .

Such a Misfortune befel Erasmus ; as also the Learned Rabanus Maurus Magnentius , Abbot of Fulda and A●chbishop of Ments : For , having Composed some Excellent Poems in Verse , Rabanus , Brower in Fuld . Hist. they only served to expose him to the Hatred of his Monks , who accused him of applying himself too much to Spiritual Things , and too little to the Encrease of the Temporal ; to the Loss , as they thought , of the Monastery . So that , abou● the Year 842 , he was forced to retire near Lewis King of Germany , his Protector ; where his Monks , who had soon found their Error and their Loss in the Absence of so esteemable an Abbot , came to beg his Pardon , and prayed him to resume the Administration of the Abbey , which , however , he resolutely declin'd .

Thus Rabelais hating the Ignorance and Baseness of the Cordeliers was desirous enough to leave them , being but too much prompted to it by several Persons of Eminent Quality , who were extreamly delighted with his Learning and facecious Conversation .

A Monk relates , That he was put in Pace , that is , P. de St. Romuald . Feuillent . between four Walls with Bread and Water , in the said Convent , for some unlucky Action ; and was redeemed out of it by the Learned Andrew Tiraqueau , then Lieutenant-General ( that is , Chief Iudge ) of the Baylywick of Fontenay le Com●e ; and by Tradition 't is said in that Town , That on a Day when the Country People used to resort to the Convent's Church , to address their Prayers , and pay their Offerings to the Image of St. Francis , which stood in a Place somewhat dark near the Porch ; Rabelais , to Ridicule their Superstition , privately removed the Saint's Image , and placed himself in its room , having first disguised himself . But at last , too much pleased with the awkward Worship which was payed him , he could not forbear Laughing , and made some Motion ; which being observed by his gaping , staring Worshippers , they cryed out , Miracle ! My good Lord St. Francis moves ! Vpon which an Old crafty Knave of a Friar , who knew Stone and the Virtue of St. Francis too well , to expect this should be true , drawing near , scar'd our Sham-Saint out of his Hole : And having caused him to be seized , the rest of the Fraternity , with their knotty Cords on his bare Back , soon made him know , he was not made of Stone , and wish he had been as hard as the Image , or Senceless , as was the Saint ; nay , turned into the very Image of which he lately was the Representation .

At last , by the Intercession of Friends , The Bishop's See is now removed to Rochell . of which Geoffroy d' Estissac Bishop of Maillezais is said to have been one ; be obtained Pope Clement VII's Permission to leave the beggarly Fellowship of St. Francis , for the Wealthy and more easie Order of St. Bennet , and was entertained in that Bishop's Chapter , that is , the Abbey of Maillezais . But his Mercurial Temper prevailing after he had lived sometime there , he also left it , and laying down the regular Habit , to take that which is worn by secular Priests , he rambled up and down a while , till at last he fixed at Montpellier , took all his Degrees as a Physician in that Vniversity , and practis'd Physic with Reputation . And by his Epistle before the Translation of the Aphorisms of Hippocrates , Quum anno Superiore Monspessuli Aphorismos Hippocratis , & deinceps Galeni artem Medicam frequenti auditorio publicè enarrarem , Antistes clarissime , annotaveram loca aliquot in quibus interpretes mihi non admodum satisfaciebant . Collatis enim eorum traductionibus cum exemplari graecanico quod , praeter ea quae vulgò circumferuntur , habebam vetustissimum , literisque Jonicis elegantissimè , castigatissimèque exaratum , comperi illos quam plurima omisisse , quaedam exotica & notha adjecisse , quaedam minus expressisse , pauca invertisse verius quam vertisse , &c. F. Rabelaesus in Hippocr . Aphor. and some Works of Galen , which he Published and Dedicated to the Bishop of Maillezais in 1532 , he tells him that he publicly read Physic in that Vniversity to a Numerous Auditory .

'T is vulgarly said , that Rabelais having Published some Physical Tract , which did not sell , upon the disappointed Book-seller's Complaint to him , told him , that since the World did not know how to value a good Book , they would undoubtedly like a bad one , and that accordingly he would write something that would make him large amends ; upon which he Composed his Gargantua and Pantagruel , by which the Book-seller got an Estate . But either this is an Error , or Rabelais must have been more imposed on them our Sir Walter Rauleigh was by his selfish Stationer , since the above-mentioned Translation , which was Printed by the Famous Gryphius of Lyons at first in 1532. was reprinted many times since , particularly in 1543. of which Date , I have an an Edition of it ; which was undoubtedly before Rabelais began to write his Gargantua , and none ever mentioned any other Tract of Physic by him ; and also when he speaks of his Annotations on the Aphorisms of Hippocrates , Contendit à me multis verbis ut eas sinerem in communem studiosorum utilitatem exire . he says , that Gryphius importuned him very much , to consent , that they might be printed .

We do not know how he came to leave Montpellier , tho probably he was sent by its Vniversity to sollicit for them at Court , and then was invited to stay at Paris , of which John Du Bellay , his Friend , afterwards Cardinal , was not only Bishop , but Governour ; at least , 't is certain he attended him in his Embassy to Pope Paul the III. though I believe that the chief occasion of his going to Rome , was to put a stop to the Ecclesiastical Censures fulminated against h●● ▪ for leaving his Convent , and 't is thought the Bishop of Maillezais abetted that desertion , and incouraged him in his Studies at Montpellier , which perhaps made Rabelais , afterwards dedicate to him , Hic non dicam quâ ratione adductus sim id , quicquid est laboris , tibi ut dicarem . Tibi enim jure debetur quicquid efficere opera mea potest ; qui me sic tu● benignitate usque fovisti ut quocunque oculos circumf●ram ▪ 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 munificentiae tuae sensibus meis obversetur . and own then , that he owed all things to him .

'T is likely our Doctor had then a Prospect of the Benefices , with which he soon afterwards was gratified by that Cardinal ; and for that Reason was glad to be eased of the Censures , under which he lay , which made him uncapable of enjoying any thing . The Bishop of Montpellier himself was a Protestant , and might have kept always his Bishopric , had he written as Mystically as Rabelais . The Cardinal Chastillon also , was not only a Protestant , but Married as well as John de Montluc , Bishop of Valence ; yet as well as many others in those Times , who were against the Errors of the Church of Rome in their Hearts , they had Benefices in it , and favoured the Reformation perhaps more than those who openly professed it . So Rabelais seems to me to have passed into Italy only in the quality of a penitent Monk , being first obliged to submit to his Abbot and the Orders of the Convent which he had left many Years , else had he been then Physician to Cardinal Du Bellay , then Embassador to the Pope , he would not have Recommended himself to the Alms of his Superior , Epist: de Rabel . Pag. 5. p. 49. the Bishop of Maillezais , as he does in his Letters to that Prelate , to whom he writes , that the last Money which he had caused him to receive , was almost gone ; Et si n'en ay rien despendu en Meschance●é . Epist. de Rabel . pag 49. tho , says he , I have put none of it to an ill Use. Neither would he have added that he used constantly to Eat either with Cardinal Du Bellay , or the Bishop of Mascon , who had succeeded him in the Embassy ( doubtless upon the other 's Promotion to the Rank of Cardinal ) but that much M●ney was spent in Dispatches , Cloaths and Chamber-Rent ; which shews also , that tho he as a Friend did Eat with one of those two , yet he paid for his Lodging elsewhere . By these Letters which Messieurs de Sainte Marthe , Gentlemen Famous for Learning , have not disdain'd to publish with their learned and curious Observatio●s of ten times their length , We see that Rabelais held also a private Correspondence in Characters with the Bishop of Maillezais , to whom they are directed , and that the Bishop was far from being bigotted to Popery . We also know by them , that Rabelais obtained his Absolution of Pope Paul the III. the 17th . of January 1536. whereby he had leave given him to return to Maillezais , and to practice Physic , either at Rome , or elsewhere ; that is , without any gain , and only by Charity . We also find that he had gained the Esteem of Cardinal de Genutiis esteemed the Ornament of the College , Sadoletus Ital. Sacr. T. 3. and Cardinal Simone●ta , eminent for Vertue , and other worthy Prelates , besides that of Du Bellay and the Bishop of Mascon , who procured him his Bulls gratis , and had ev'n offered him to make use of their King's Name , had it been needful .

'T is reported , That Bishop Du Bellay , as King Francis the First 's Embassador , when he had Audience of Paul III. having kissed that Pope's Slipper , which Ceremony is by some called , Adoration ; all the rest of his Retinue did the same ; if we except Rabelais , who fixed as a Pillar , on which he leaned , said , that if the Embassador , who was a very great Lord in France , was unworthy to kiss the Pope's Feet , they might ev'n let down his Holinesses Breeches , and wash'd his A — and then he might presume to kiss something about him .

Another time , That Cardinal having brought him , with the rest of his Retinue to that Pope , that they might beg some Grace of his Holiness , Rabelais , being bid to make his Demand , only beg'd , that his Holiness would be pleased to Excommunicate him .

So strange a Request having caused much surprise ; he was Ordered to say why he made it . 'T is the same of whom Alstedius and others write , it was said in 1540. Paulo III. Optimo Maximo in terris Deo . Then Addressing himself to that Pope , who was doubtless a great Man , and had nothing of the Moroseness of many others : May it please your Holiness , said he , I am a French-Man of a little Town , called , Chinon , whose Inhabitants are thought somewhat too subject to be thrown into a sort of unpleasant Bon-Fires ; and indeed , a good Number of honest Men , and amongst the rest , some of my Relations , have been fairly Burn'd there already : Now would your Holiness but Excommunicate me , I would be sure never to Burn. My reason is , that , passing through the Tarentese , where the Cold was very great , in the way to this City with my Lord Cardinal Du Bellay , having reach'd a little Hurr , where an Old Woman lived , we pray'd her to make a Fire to warm us , but she burn'd all the Straw of her Bed to kindle a Faggot , yet could not make it burn ; so that at last , after many Imprecations , she cryed , without doubt this Fagot was Excommunicated by the Pope 's own Mouth , since it will not burn : In short , we were obliged to go on without warming our selves . Now if it pleased your Holiness , bu● to Excommunicate me thus , I might go safely to my Country . By this , he not only in a jesting manner , exposed the Roman Clergy's persecuting Temper , but seem'd to allude to the Inefficacy of the former Pope's Excommunications in England , and chiefly in Germany ; where they only served to warn our Henry the VIII and on the other side , the Lutherans , to secure themselves against the attempts of their Enemies .

He that would not spare the Pope to his Face , was doubtless not less liberal of his biting Iokes to others : Particul . de la vie de Rabelais , impre . devant ses Oeuures . Insomuch , that he was obliged to leave Rome without much preparation ; not thinking himself safe among the Italians , who of all Men , love and forgive raillery the least , when they are the subject of it .

So being come as far as Lyons in his way to Paris , very indifferently Accoutred , and no Mony ▪ to proceed , whether he had been Robbed , or had spent all his Stock ; he , who had a peculiar love for Ease and good Eating , and no less Zeal for good Drinking , found himself in dismal Circumstances . So he had recourse to a Stratagem which might have been of dangerous Consequence to one less known than Rabelais .

Being Lodg'd at the Tower and Angel , a Famous Inn in that City , he took some of the Ashes in the Chimney , and having wrap'd them up in several little papers , on one of them be writ Poyson to kill the King , in another , Poyson to kill the Queen , in a third , Poyson to kill the Duke of Orleans , and having on the Change met a young Merchant , told him , That being skill'd in Physiognomy he plainly saw that he had a great desire to get an Estate easily ; therefore , if he would come to his Inn , he would put him in a way to gain a Hundred Thousand Crowns ; the greedy Merchant was very ready . So when he had Treated our Doctor , he came to the main point , that is , how to get the Hundred Thousand Crowns ; Then Rabelais , after t'other Bottle or two , pretending a great deal of Caution , at last shewed him the papers of Powder , and proposed to him , to make use of them according to their Superscriptions , which the other promised , and they appointed to meet the next day , to take Measures about it ; but the too Credulous , though honest , Trader , immediately ran to a Iudge , who having heard the Information , immediately sent to secure Rabelais , the Dauphin having been Poysoned some time before ; so the Doctor with his Powder was seiz'd , and being examined by the Iudge , gave no answer to the Accusation , safe that , he told the young Merchant , that he had never thought him fit to keep a Secret , and only desired them to secure what was in the Papers , and send him to the King , for he had strange things to say to him .

Accordingly , he is carefully sent to Paris , and handsomly treated by the way on free Cost , as are all the King 's Prisoners , and being come to Paris , was immediately brought before the King , who knowing him , asked him , what he had done to be brought in that Condition , and where he had left the Cardinal Du Bellay . Vpon this the Judge made his Report , shew'd the Bills with the Powder , and the Informations which he had drawn , Rabelais on his side told his Case , took some of all the Powders before the King ; which being found to be only harmless Wood Ashes , pleaded for Rabelais so effectually , that the business ended in Mirth , and the poor Iudge was only laugh'd at for his Pains .

Though this Story be Printed before many Editions of Rabelais , somewhat otherwise than I here give it , I would not any more be answerable for its Truth , than for that of many more which Tradition ascribes to him . When a Man has once been very famous for Iests and merry Adventures , he is made to adopt all the Iests that want a Father , and many times such as are unworthy of him . For this Reason I will omit many Stories which some indeed relate of Rabelais ▪ but which few can assure or believe to be true . Yet since the witty Sayings , merry Triflings and the Accounts of the indifferent Actions of Great Men , have found not only their Historians but their Readers , from Tully's Puns , to the false Witticisms , insipid Drolling , and empty insignificant Remarks , that make up the greatest part of the Scaligeriana , and some others of those unequal Collections of Weeds and Flowers , whose Titles end in ana ; we may with greater Reason relate the Iests of Rabelais , whose Life as well as his Writings have been thought a continual Iest ▪ and this would not s●em to be the Life of Rabelais , did not some Comical Stories make a part of it .

Neither were his Iests sometimes less productive of Good , than the deep Earnest of others . Of which the Vniversity of Montpellier furnishes us with an Instance : None being admitted to the Degree of Doctor of Physic there , Grand Diction . Historiq . who has not first put on the Gown and Cap of Dr. Rabelais , Voyage de l'Europe , T. 1. which are preserved in the Castle of Mo●ac in that City . The Cause of this uncommon Veneration for the Memory of that Learned Man , is said to be this :

Some Scholars having occasioned an extraordinary Disorder in that City , Partic. delavie . de Rabelais . Anthony Du Prat , Cardinal , Archbishop of Sens , then Lord Chancellor of France , upon Complaint made of it , caused the Vniversity to be depriv'd of part of its Privileges . Vpon this , none was thought fitter to be sent to Paris to sollicit their Restitution than our Doctor , who , by his Wit , Learning and Eloquence , as also by the Friends which they had purchased him at Court , seem'd made to obtain any thing . When he came to Paris about it , the Difficulty lay in gaining Audience of the Chancellor , who was so incensed , that he refused to hear any thing in Behalf of the Vniversity of Montpellier . So Rabelais having vainly tried to be admitted , at last put on his Red Gown and Doctor 's Cap ; and thus Accoutred , came to the Chancellor's Palace , on St. Austin's Key ; but the Porter and some other Servants mistook him for a Mad-man ▪ So Rabelais having , in a peremptory Tone , been ask'd there , who he was , let his impertinent Querist know , that he was the Gentleman who usually had the Honour to flea He-Calves ; and that , if he had a mind to be first flead , he had best make haste and strip immediately . Then being ask'd some other Questions , he answer'd in Latin , which the other understanding not , one of the Chancellor's Officers that could speak that Tongue was brought , who addressing himself to our Doctor in Latin , was answered by him in Greek , which the other understanding as little as the first did Latin , a third was fetch'd who could speak Greek ; but he no sooner spoke in that Language to Rabelais , but that he was answered in Hebrew ; and one who understood Hebrew being with much Difficulty procur'd , Rabelais spoke to him in Syriac : Thus having exhausted all the Learning of the Family , the Chancellor , who was told , that there was a merry Fool at his Gate who had out-done every-one , not only in Languages , but in smartness of Repartees , desired that he might be brought in . 'T was a little before Dinner . Then Rabelais shifting the Farcical Scene into one more serious , addrest himself to the Chancellor with much Respect , and having first made his Excuse for his forc'd Buffoonry , in a most Eloquent and Learned Speech , so effectually pleaded the Cause of his Vniversity , that the Chancellor , at once ravish'd and perswaded , not only promised the Restitution of the Abolish'd Privileges , but made the Doctor sit down at Table with him as a particular Mark of his Esteem .

Much about that time , hearing with what Facility , for the sake of a small Sum of Money , the Faculty of Orange ( some say Orleans ) admitted Ignorant Pretenders , as Doctors of Physic not only without examining , but even without seeing them ; Rabelais sent the usual Fees , and had one received Doctor there unseen , by the Name of Doctor Johannes Caballus , and let the wise Professors and the World know afterwards , what a worthy Member they had admitted into their Body , since that very Doctor was his Horse Jack ; or , as some say , his Mule : For if there are various Lections , there may well be also various Traditions of the same Passage .

Though I know that it as little becomes a Chast Historian to launch into large Digressions , as to advance Things without good Authorities , I cannot forbear mentioning something very particular concerning that very Numerical Doctor , I mean , Joannes Caballus : And that I may not be thought to relate Stories without Authorities , I will make bold to quote that of a Book written Stylo maximè Rabelaesano , viz. Le Moyen de Parvenir ; I remember to have read the Story in a less Apocriphal Author , but Time hath blotted his Name out of my Memory .

Rabelais being at Paris , and more careful of himself than of his Mule , had trusted it to the Care of a Printer's Men , desiring them at least not to let it want Water . But having perhaps forgot to make them drink , they also easily , though uncharitably forgot the Brute . At three days end the Creature having drank as little Water as its Master , a young unlucky Boy took a Fancy to get on its back , even like the Miller's Daughter , without a Saddle ; another Truand Scholar begg'd to get behind him , so did a third and eke a fourth . Thus these Four being mounted like Aymond's Four Sons a Horse back on a Mule , without Bridle or Halter , the real and living Emblem of Folly , the Grave Animal walk'd leasurely down St. James's street , till it came near a Church , towards which it moved , drawn by the magnetic Vertue of the Water , which it smelt at a considerable Distance , in the Holy Water Pot , which is always near the Porch . And in vain our Four Riders kick'd and call'd , in spight of them the Headstrong thirsty Beast made up to the Holy Element ; and though the Church was almost full of People , it being Sunday and Sermon time , notwithstanding all Opposition , the bold Monster dipped its saucy Snout in the Sanctified Cistern . The People that were near it , were not a little amaz'd at the Impudence of that Sacrilegious Animal , deservedly curst with Sterility , though it were but for this one Crime ; Many took him for a Spectrum that bore some Souls , formerly Heretical , but now Penitent , that came to seek the sweet Refrigeratory of the Saints , out of the more than Hellish Flames of Purgatory . So the unconcern'd Mule took a swinging Draught of Holy Liquor , yet did not like it so well , there being always Salt in it , as to take a second Dose ; but , having somewhat allayed its raging Thirst , modestly withdrew , with her two ●race of Youngsters . However the thing did not end thus ; for the Brute was seized , and Rabelais being thought none of the greatest Admirers of the Romish Fopperies , was shrewdly suspected of having laid the Design of that Scandalous Adventure . Nor was the rude Four-legg'd Joannes Caballus released out of the Pound , till its Master had dearly paid for its Drink .

As he Ridicul'd the Superstition of Priests , he also was extreamly free in his Reflections on the Monks , and truly he knew them too well to Love and Esteem them ; he is said not to have been able to refrain his Satyrical Temper , even while he was reading public Service ; and instead of Qui maechantur cum illâ , as the Vulgate has it , to have said aloud , Qui monachantur cum illâ .

'T is also said , That as he was kneeling once at Church , before the Statue of King Charles the Eighth , a Monk came and said to him , That doub●less he mistook that King's Statue for that of some Saint ; but Rabelais immediately replied , I am not so much a Monk ( Blockhead I mean ) as thou thinkest me ; nor yet so blind , as not to know , that I kneel before the representation of King Charles the VIII . for whose Soul I Prayed , because he brought the Pox out of Naples into this Kingdom , by which means , I , and other Physicians have been considerable Gainers .

Several of these being once Assembled to consult about an Hypocondriac humour , which confined Cardinal Du Bellay to his Bed ; they at last resolved , that an Aperitive Decoction should be prepared , to be frequently taken with some Syrup , by the Patient . Now Rabelais who was his Physician , perhaps not being of their Opinion , while the rest of our Learned Doctors were still discoursing in their Scientific Iargon , to deserve the large Fee , caused a Fire to be made in the Yard , and on it to be set a Kettle-ful of Water , into which he had put as many Keys as he could get : And while he was very busie in stirring them about with a Stick , the Doctors coming down , saw him , and asked what he was doing ? Following your Directions , replied he . How , in the Name of Gulen ? cry'd one of them ▪ you are for something that may be very aperitive , returned Rabelais , and , by Hippocrates , I think you will own that nothing can be more Aperitive than Keys , unless you would have me send to the Arcenal for some peices of Cannon . This odd Fancy being immediately related to the sick Cardinal , set him into such a fit of Laughing , that it helped more to cure him than the Prescription ; and what made the Iest the more pertinent , was , that Keys are made of Iron and Steel , which with Water are the cheif Ingredients in Chalibeat Medicines .

Hearing that the grave John Calvin , somewhat prejudic'd against him , for his biting Iokes , had play'd on his Name by the way of Anagram ; saying Rabelaesius , Rabie laeus ; he with an admirable presence of mind , immediately returned the Complement in the same kind , saying , Calvin Jan cul , adding , that there was Anagram for Anagram , and that a Studied trifle only deserved to be paid back with one worse , ex tempore .

Thus , while like Democritus , he made himself Me●ry with the Impertinences of Mankind ; nothing was able to allay his Mirth , unless it were the thought of a Reckoning , at the time that he paid it ; then indeed , he was thought somewhat serious , though probably 't was partly that those who were to receive it , might not impose on him and the Company , and because he generally found his Purse not over full . However , the time of paying the Shot in a Tavern among good Fellows , or Pantagruelists , is still called in France , le quart d' heure de Rabelais ; that is , Rabelais's quarter of an hour .

Yet his Enemies , the Monks and some others tell us , that he seemed much less Concerned when he payed the grand Shot of Life , than when he discharged a small Tavern Reckoning : For they say , that he faced Death with an unconcern'd and careless Countenance ; and in short , that he Died just as he Lived . They relate the thing thus .

Rabelais being very Sick , Cardinal Du Bellay sent his Page to him , to have an account of his condition ; his answer was , Tell my Lord in what Circumstances thou findest me ; Jem'en vay chercher vn grand Peut-estre . Il est au nid de la Pie . Which verbatim Englished , is ; I am going to seek , or look for a great May Be ( Doubt or Vncertainty ) . He is in the Pye 's Nest , &c. I am just going to leap into the Dark . He is up in the Cock-Loft bid him keep where he is . As for thee , thou'●t always be a Fool : Let down the Curtain , the Farce is done . A little before this , he had called for his Domino , so some in France call a sort of Hood which Curates wear , saying , put me on my Domino , for I am cold ; besides , I will Die in it , for , Beati qui in Domino moriuntur . An Author who stiles Rabelais , Thev . Hist. de Iean Clopinel ! a Man of Excellent Learning , Writes , that he being importuned by some to sign a Will , whereby they had made him bestow on them Legacies that exceeded his Ability , He to be no more disturbed , complied at last with their Desires ; but when they came to ask him where they should find a Fund answerable to what he gave ; as for that , replied he , You must do like the Spaniel , look about and search ; then , adds that Author , having said , Draw the Curtain , the Farce is over , he Died. Likewise , a Monk not only tells us , P. de St. Romuald Rel. Feuillent . that he ended his Life with that ●est , but that he left a Paper Sealed up , wherein were found three Articles , 〈◊〉 his Last-Will , I owe much , I have nothing , I give the rest to the Poor .

This last Story , or that before it , must undoubtedly be false ; and perhaps both are so , as well as the Message by the Page ; though Freigius relates also , Comment in Orat. Cic. Tom. 1. that Rabelais said , when he was Dying , Draw the Curtain , &c. But , if he said so , many great Men have said much the same . Thus Augustus near his Death , ask'd his Friends , Nunquid vitae mimum commodè peregisset . Whether he had not very well Acted the Farce of Life ? And Demonax , one of the best Philosophers , when he saw that he could not , by reason of his great Age , live any longer , without being a Burthen to others as well as to himself , said to those that were near him , what the Herald used to say when the public Games were ended , You may with-draw , Lucian . the Show is over , and refusing to Eat , kept his usual Gayety to the ●ast , and set himself at Ease .

I wave many other Stories , concerning Rabelais , which seem as Inconsistent and Fabulous as the Legends of Symeon the Metaphrast . St. Xavier's Miracles , or the Traditions of the Monks , our witty Satyrist's irreconcileable Enemies . We ought not easily to believe that ●e , who even in the most Licentious Places of his Merry Composures is thought by the Iudicious to have generally a design to expose Villany , and in the Places that are Graver , as also in his Letters , displays all the Moderation and Iudgment of a good Man ; we ought not , I say , to believe , that such a Man in his seventieth Year , can have abandoned himself to those Excesses ; being Curate of a large Parish near Paris , Prebend of St. Maur des Fossez in that City , and honour'd , and lov'd by many Persons equally eminent for Vertue , Learning and Quality .

'T was by a Person , who with those three advantages , was also a great States-Man , and a very good Latin Poet , I mean , John Cardinal Du Bellay Bishop of Paris , who knew Rabelais from his Youth , that he was taken from the Profession of Physic , to be employed by that Prelate in his most Secret Negotiations ; 'T was he that knew him best , yet he thought him not unworthy of being one of the Prebends of a Famous Chapter in a Metropolis , and Curate of Meudon in his Diocess .

'T was doubtless in that pleasant Retreat , that he composed his Gargantua and Pantagruel ; tho' some say 't was at that House call'd Douiniere already mention'd , and that the Neighbouring Abbey of Sevillé , whose Monks liv'd not then according to the Austerity of their Rule , is partly the Subject of i● , which causes him , They say ▪ to make so often mention of the Monks the Staff of the Cross , and the Vine-yard of Sevillé ; as also of Basché , Lerné , Panzoust , &c. which are Places near that Abbey .

The Freedom which Rabelais has used in that Work , could not but raise it many Enemies : Which caused him to give an Account in his Dedicatory Epistle , Oeuures de Rabel . Epist. Dedic . liv . 4. to Odet Cardinal of Chastillon , his Friend , of the Motive that induc'd him to Write it . There he tells him , that though his Lordship knew how much he was daily Importun'd to continue it by several great Persons , who alledg'd , that many , who languish'd through Grief or Sickness , reading it , had receiv'd extraordinary Ease and Comfort ; yet , the Calumnies of a sort of uncharitable Men , who said , it was full of Heresies , though they could not shew any there without perverting the Sence , had so far Conquered his Patience , that he had resolv'd to write no more on that subject . But that his Lordship having told him , that King Francis had found the reports of his Enemies to be unjust , as well as King Henry the 〈◊〉 , then Reigning , who therefore had granted to that Cardinal his Priviledge , and particular Protection for the Author of those Mithologies ; now , without any fear , under so Glorious and Powerful a Pa●ronage , he securely presum'd to write on .

And indeed , 't is observable , that in the Book to which that Epistle is prefix'd , he has more freely than in the rest exposed the Monks , Priests , Pope , Decretals , Council of Trent then sitting , &c.

That Epistle is Dated the 28. of January 1552. and some write that he Died in 1553. By this Epigram , Thres . Chronol. de St. Romuald . Printed before his last Book , Rabelais seems to have been Dead before it was Published .

Rabelais est il mort ? Voicy encor un Livre ! Non , sa meilleure part a repris ses esprits , Pour nous faire present de l'un de ses escrits Qui le rend entre nous immortel & fait vivre * This seems to be a kind of an Anagram perhaps made by the great Civilian Tiraqueau .

Nature quite .

This Satyrical Work , employed him only at his spare hours , for he tells us , that he spent no time in Composing it , but that which he usually allowed himself for Eating ; yet it has deserved the Commendations of the best of serious Writers , and particularly of the great Thuanus , whose approbation alone is a Panegyric . And if we have not many other serious Tracts by its Author , the private Affairs of Cardinal Du Bellay , in which he was employed , and his profession as a Physician and a Curate , may be supposed to be the Cause of it Yet he Published a Latin Version of the Aphorisms of Hippocrates , and with them some of Galen's Works , which for its faithfulness and purity of Stile , has been much esteemed by the best Iudges of both : Nor is Vorstius , who attempted the same , s●●d to have succeeded so well . Rabelais also Wrote several French and Latin Epistles , in an excellent Sty●e , to several Great and Learned Men , and particularly , to Cardinal de Chastillon , the Bishop of Maillezais , and Andrew Tiraqueau , the Famous Civilian , Thresor . Chron. de St. R●muald . who is said Yearly to have given a Book , and by one Wife , a Son to the World , Others more probably reduce the Number to Ten Sons , at the Birth of each of whom he Published a Learned Polio . during Thirty Years , though he never drank any thing but Water ; in which he differed much from his Friend Rabelais . Those Epistles do not only shew , that he was a Man fit for Negotiations , but that he had gain'd at Rome , the Friendship of several Eminent Prelates . He likewise writ a Book call●d Sciomachia , and of the Feasts made at Rome , in the Pallace of Cardinal Du Bellay for the Birth of the Duke of Orleans : Printed at Lyons in 8o by Sebast Gryphius 1549 , And there is an Almanack for the Year 1553 , Calculated by him for the Meridian of Lyons , and printed there , which shews , that he was not only a Grammarian , Poet , Philosopher , Physitian , Civilian , and Theologian , but also an Astronomer . Besides , he was a very great Linguist , being well skill'd in the French , German , Italian , Spanish , Latin , Greek and Hebrew Tongues , and we see in his Letters , that he also understood Arabic , which he had learn'd at Rome of a Bishop of Caramith .

Some Write that Rabelais Died at Meudon , but Dom Pierre de St. Romuald , says , that Dr. Guy Patin , Royal Professor at Paris , who was a great admirer of Rabelais , assur'd him , that he caused himself to be brought from his Cure to Paris , where he lies Buried in St Paul's Church-Yard , at the foot of a great Tree , still to be seen there ( 1660 ) . He Died in a House in the Street , call'd , La Rue des Jardins in St. Paul's Parish at Paris , about the Year 1553. Aged seventy Years . But his Fame will never Die .

Estienne Pasquier Advocate General , one of the most learned and judicious Writers of his Age , Joachim Du Bellay Arch-deacon of Paris , Nam'd to the Arch-bishopric of Bordeaux , Peter Boulanger , Peter Ronsard , once Prince of the French Poets , Jean Antoine de Baif , and many more of the best pens of his Age , honour'd his Memory with Epitaphs , the two latter in French . That by Ronsard , being too long , I omit ; here is that by Baif .

Pluton , Prince du noir Empire , Où les tiens ne rient jamais , Recois aujourd'huy Rabelais , Et les tiens auront de quoy rire .

Here are Four others in Latin ; of which the two first are to be found in Pasquier . Pasq. Recueil des Portraits .

Ille ego Gallorum Gallus Democritus , illo Gratius , aut si quid Gallia progenuit . Sic homines , sic & coelestia Numina lusi , Vix homines , vix ut Numina laesa putes . Pasq. Liv. des Tomb. Sive tibi sit Lucianus alter , Sive sit Cynicus , quid hospes ad te ? Hac unus Rabelaesius facetus , Nugarum Pater , artifexque mirus , Quicquid is fuerit , recumbit urnâ . Somnus , & ingluvies , Bacchusque Venusque Jocusque Numina , dum vixi , grata fuere mihi . Caetera quis nescit ? Fuit Ars mihi cura medendi , Maxima ridendi sed mihi cura fuit . Tu quoque non lacrymas , sed risum solve , Viator , Si gratus nostris Manibus esse velis . Non Rabelaesius solus Sed aula , Ecclesia , Et omnis Mundus Agunt Histrioniam .

A great number of Learned Men have made mention of him in their Writings , as Will . Budé Master of the Requests , alias , Budaeus in Epistolis Graecis . Jac. Aug. de Thou , President in the Court of Parliament at Paris , alias Thuanus , Hist. Lib. 38. & Commentar. de vitâ suâ , lib. 6. Theod. B●za , Clement . Maro● , who inscribed to him an Imitation in French of the 21st . Epig. of Martial's Fifth Book , Si te cum mihi , Chare Martialis , &c. Hugh Salel , that Translated Homer's Iliad into French . Stephen Dolet , a French and Latin Poet , burn'd for being a Protestant at Paris , 1545. Peter Ronsard . Stephen Pasquier in his Recherches de la France , and in the First and Second Books of his Lettres . Jean Cecile Frey . Francis Bacon , Lord Verulam , in his Book of the Progress of Learning . Andrew Du Chesne , in his Book des Antiqui●ez de France . Thevet , Hist. de Jean Clopinel : Gab. Mic. de la Roche Maillet , Vie des Illust. Personnages : Fran. Grudé , Seigneur de la Croix du Maine , in his Biblioteque . Ant. du Verdier Sieur de Vauprivas Conseiller du Roy , in his Bibl. Universelle . Franc. Ranchin Dr. of Physic at Montpellier . Scaevola de Sainte Marthe , Conseiller du Roy , &c. alias Samarthanus , lib. primo Elog. Clarorum Virorum . Sir William Temple , in the Second Part of his Miscellan . C. Sorel , First Historiographer of France , in his Biblioteque Francoise . Dr. Ant ▪ Van Dale , De Oraculis & Consecrationibus . Monsieur Costar , dans son Apologie· M. Menage . Romuald , in the Third part of his Thresor Chronologique ; and several others named in a Book called Floretum Philosophicum , that mentions many particulars of his Life ; and the Names of those that have spoke of him . A Curate of Meudon , in Honour of his Predecessor , also caused to be Printed whatever is writ in his Praise , which Books I have not been able to find . There is also a large Account of Rabelais in the Grand Historical French Dictionary .

Some Learned Mens OPINION OF D r. RABELAIS·

De Rabelaeso , clarorum aliquot Scriptorum Testimonia . Guilielmus Budaeus , in Epistolis Graecis .

O Deum immortalem , & sodalitatis Praesulem , nostraeque amicitiae Principem ! Quidnam est illud quod andivimus ? Te etenim ô caput mihi exoptatum , & Rabalaesum Theseum tuum intelligo ab istis elegantiae & venustatis osoribus Sodalibus vestris obturbatos propter vehemens circa literas Graecas studium , quam plurimis gravibusque malis vexari . Papae , ô in faustam virorum delirationem ! Qui usque adeò sunt animo ineleganti ac stupido , ut , quibus cohonestari universum Sodalitium vestrum convenerat , multúmque sapere , quippe qui exiguo temporis Spatio ad doctrinae fastigium pervenerint , eosdem sanè calumniosè insimulando , in ipsosque conjurando finem imponere conati sunt ornatissimae exercitationi . Et post alia . Vale & salutato meo nomine quater Rabalaesum scitum & industrium vel sermone si praestò sit aut per Epistolas denuncians . —

Viri Illustriss . Iac. Aug. Thuani in Supremo Gall●arum Senatu Praesidis . Commentariorum de vita sua . lib. 6.

CHinone hospitium habebat ( Thuanus ) in domo oppidi amplissimâ , quae quondam Francisci Rabalaesi suit , qui litteris Graecis , Latinisque instructissimus , & Medicinae quam profitebatur peritissimus , postremo omni serio studio omisso se totus vitae solutae ac gulae mancipavit & ridendi artem hominis , sicut ipse ai●bat propriam , amplexus , Democriticà libertate , & scur●ili interdum dicacitate , scriptum ingeniosissimum fecio , quo vitae regnique cunctos Ordines quasi in scenam sub fictis nominibus produxit & populo deridendos propinavit . Hominis ridiculi qui totâ vitâ ac scriptis , ridendi aliis materiam praebuit , memoria à Thuano & . Calignono hîc renovata est , cum bellè cum Rabelaesi Manibus actum uterque dicerer , quod Domus ejus publico diversorio , in quo perpetuae commessationes erant , hortus adjacens ad ludum oppidanis per dies festos se exercentibus , projectum in hortum despiciens , in quo , cum litteris operam dabat , libros habere & studere solitus erat , vinariae cellae inserviret . Ex eâque occasione Thuanus à Calignono inviratus , hoc Carmen extemporaneum fecit .

Ipse Rabelaesus loquitur . Sic vixi , ut vixisse mihi jocus , atque legenti Quos vivus scripsi , sit jocus usque jocos . Per risum atque jocos homini data vita fruenda , Inter amarescit seria felle magis . Et nunc ne placidos laedant quoque seria manes Cavit Echionii provida cura Dei. Nam quae à patre domus fuerat Chinone relicta , Quâ vitreo Lemovix amne Vigenna fluit , Postquam abii , communis in usum versa tabernae , Laetisico strepitu nocte dieque sonat . Ridet in hac hospes pernox , ridetur , in horto , Cum populus festo cessat in urbe die . Tibiaque inflato saltantes incitat utre Tibia Pictonicos docta ciere modos . Et quae Musaeum domino , quae cella libellis Nectareo spumat nunc apotheca mero . Sic mihi post minimum vitae tam suaviter actum Dent hodiè ad priscos fata redire jocos ; Non aliâ patrias aedes mercede locare , Vendere non aliâ conditione velim .

Theodorus Beza , de Francisco Rabelaesio . QUI sic Nugatur , tractantem ut seria vincat , Seria cum faciet , dic rogo quantus erit ?

Scaevola Samarthanus ex Libro primo Elogiorum Gallorum Doctrina Illustrium .

F. Rabelesaeus — Impulsu quorumdam Procerum , qui urbanâ ejus dicacitate plurimum oblectabantur , Monasterii claustra juvenis transiliit , demumque in ridendis hominum actionibus totus fuit . Cùm enim , pro eâ qua pollebat Linguarum & Medicinae Scientià , multa graviter & eruditè posset scribere , quod & Hippocratis Aphorismi ab illo castâ fide traducta , & aliquot Epistolae nitido Stylo conscriptae satis indicant , Lucianum tamen aemulari maluit , ad cujus exemplum ea Sermone Patrio finxit , quae nugae esse videntur , sed ejusmodi tamen sunt ut Lectorem quemlibet eruditum capiant , & incredibili quadam voluptate perfundant . Neque solùm erat in scribendo salis & facetiarum plenus , verum & eandem jocandi libertatem apud quemlibet & in omni sermone retinebat ; adeò ut Romam Joanne Bellajo Cardinale profectus , & in Pauli III. conspectum venire jussus , ne ipsi quidem Pontifici Maximo pepercerit . Atque hunc intemperantiae suae causam ingeniosè praetexebat , quòd cum sanitati conservandae nihil magis officiat quàm maeror & aegrimonia , prudentis Medici partes sint non minus in mentibus hominum exhilarandis , quàm in corporibus curandis laborare .

Anton. Van Dale ; De Oraculis & Consecrationibus , p. 341.

DE Oraculis & Sortibus inter alia scripsit per Lusum & Jocum doctissimus & mag●us ille Gallus Rabelaesius , cujus nugae saepius multorum doctorum seria vincunt , in vitâ & gestis Gargantuae & Pantagruelis , tam doctè meo judicio , quam lepidè ac falsè .

Sir William Temple in his Miscellanea ; Second Part.

THE great Wits among the Moderns have been , in my Opinion , and in their several Kinds ; of the French Rabelais , and Montagne — Rabelais seems ▪ to have been Father of the Ridicule , a Man of excellent and universal Learning , as well as Wit ; and though he had too much Game given him for Satyr in that Age , by the Customs of Courts and of Convents , of Processes and of Wars , of Schools and of Camps , of Romances and Legends , yet he must be confest to have kept up his vein of Ridicule , by saying many things so Smutty and Prophane , that a pious Man could not have afforded , though he had never so much of that Coyn about him : And it were to be wished , that the Wits who have imitated him , had not put too much value upon a Dress , that better Understandings would not wear ( at least in public ) and upon a compass they gave themselves , which some other Men cannot take .

Mr. l'Abbe Costar , dans son Apologie , A Monsieur Menage , Pag. 149.

RAbelais est autant a la mode quil fut jamais . Ses railleries sont agreables d'un Agreément qui ne finira point tant qu'il y aura Sur la Terre d' habiles Rieurs . Les modes & les habillemens changeront toûjours , mais non pas celles des bons contes & des bons mots qui se soustiennent d'eux mesmes , & qui sont en effet de bonnes choses . Ceux de Plaute & de Lucien quelques vieux qu'ils foient , ne laissent pas de conserver la fleur & la Grace quils avoient dans leur nouveau●é .

M. Estienne Pasquier , Conseiller du Roy , Avocat General en sa Chambre des Comptes a Paris . Au Livre de ses Recherches de la France .

JE mettray entre les Poetes du mesme Temps Francois Rabelais : Car combien qu'il ait erit en prose les Faits heroiques de Gargantua & Pantagruel , il estoit mis au rangdes Poetes , comme l'prend la responce que Marot fit a Sagon sous le nom de Fripelipes fon Valet .

Je ne voy point qu'un Saint Gelais , Un Heroet , un Rabelais , Un Brodeau , un Seve , un Chapuy . Voisent escrivant contre luy .

Aux gayetez qu'il mit en lumiere , se mocquans de toute chose il serendit le Nompareil ! Dema part je recognoitray franchement avoir l'esprit si folastre , que jene me lassay jamais de le lire , & ne le leu jamais que je n'y trouvasse matierede rire , & d'en faire mon profit tout ensemble .

PREFACE· Wherein is given an Account of the Design and Nature of this Work , and a Key to some of its most difficult Passages .

THE History of Gargantua and Pantagruel , has always been esteem'd a Masterpiece of Wit and Learning , by the best Judges of both . Even the most grave and reserv'd among the Learned in many Countries , but particularly in France , have thought it worthy to hold a place in their Closets , and have past many hours in private with that diverting and instructive Companion . And as for those whose Age and Profession did not incline them to be reserv'd , all France can witness that there has been but few of them who could not be said to have their Rabelais almost by heart : Since Mirth could hardly be compleat among those that love it , unless their good Cheer were season'd with some of Rabelais's Wit.

Fifty large Editions of that Book have not suffic'd the World , and though the Language in which it is writ , be not easily unstood now by those who only converse with modern French Books , yet it has been reprinted several Times lately in France and Holland , even in its antiquated Style .

Indeed some are of Opinion , That the odd and quaint Terms used in that Book , add not a little to the Satisfaction which is found in its perusal ; but yet this can only be said of such of them , as are understood ; and when a Reader meets with many words that are unintelligible ( I mean to him that makes it not his business to know the meaning of dark and obsolete Expressions ) the Pleasure which what he understands yields him , is in a greater measure allay'd by his disappo●ntment ; of which we have Instances when we read Chaucer , and other Books , which we do not throughly understand .

Sir Thomas Vrwhart has avoided that obscurity in this following Translation of Rabelais , so that most English Readers may now understand that Author in our Tongue , better then many of the French can do in theirs . To do him justice it was necessary , that a Person not only Master of the French , but also of much Leasure and Fancy should undertake the Task . The Translator was not only happy in their things , but also in being a learned Physitian , and having , besides , some French Men near him , who understood Rabelais very well , and could explain to him the most difficult words ; and I think that , before the first and second Books of Rabelais , which are all that was formerly printed of that Author in English , there were some Verses by Men of that Nation in praise of his Translation .

It was too kindly received , not to have encouraged him to English the remaining three Books , or at least the Third ( the fourth and fifth being in a manner distinct , as being Pantagruel's Voyage . ) Accordingly he translated the third Book , and probably would have finished the whole , had not Death prevented him . So the said third Book being found long after in Manuscript among his Papers somewhat incorrect , a Gentleman who is not only a very great Linguist , but also deservedly famous for his ingenious and learned Composures , was lately pleased to revise it , as well as the two first which had been publish'd about thirty years ago , and are extreamly scarce . He thought it necessary to make considerable Alterations , that the Translation might have the smartness , genuin Sence , and the very Style and Air of the Original ; but yet to preserve the latter , he has not thought fit to alter the Style of the Translation , which suits as exactly with that of the Author as possible , neither affecting the politeness of the most nice and refin'd of our Modern English Writers , nor yet the roughness of our antiquated Authors , but such a Medium as might neither shock the Ears of the fi●st , nor displease those who would have an exact imitation of the style of Rabelais .

Since the first Edition of those two Books of Rabelais was so favourably entertain'd , without the third , without any account of the Author , or any Observations to discover that mysterious History ; 'T is hop'd that they will not meet with a worse usage , now they appear again so much improv'd , with the addition of a third , never printed before in English , and a large account of the Author's Life ; but principally since we have here an Explication of the Enigmatic Sence of part of that admirable Mythologist's Works , both which have been so long wanted , though never till now publish'd in any Language .

THE ingenious of our Age , as well as those who liv'd when Rabelais compos'd his Gargantua and Pantagruel , have been extreamly desirous of discovering the Truths which are hid under the dark veil of Allegories in that incomparable work . The great Thuanus found it worthy of being mention'd in his excellent History , as a most ingenious Satyr on Persons who were the most distinguish'd in the Kingdom of France by their Quality and Employments , and without doubt he , who was the best of all our Modern Historians , and liv'd soon after it was writ , had trac'd the private Design of Rabelais , and found out the true Names of the Persons whom he has introduc'd on his Scene , with Names not only imaginary , but generally ridiculous , and whose Actions he represents as ridiculous as those Names . But as it would have been dangerous , having unmask'd those Persons , to have expos'd them to public view , in a Kingdom where they were so powerful ; and as most of the Adventures which are mystically represented by Rabelais , relate to the affairs of Religion , so those few who have understood the true sence of that Satyr , have not dar'd to reveal it .

In the late Editions , some learned Men have given us a Vocabulary , wherein they explain the Names and Terms in it which are originally , Greek , Latin , Hebrew , or of other Tongues , that the Text might thus be made more intelligible , and their work may be useful to those who do not understand those Tongues . But they have not bad the same success in their pretended Explications of the Names which Rabelais has given to the real Actors in this Farce ; and thus they have indeed fram'd a Key , but , if I may use the Allegory , 't was without having known the Wards and Springs of the Lock . What I advance , will doubtless be owned to be true by those who may have observed that by that Key , none can discover in those Pythagorical Symbols ( as they are call'd in the Author's Prologue to the first Book ) any Event that has a Relation to the History of those to whom the Names mention'd by Rabelais , have been applyed by those that made that pretended Key . They tell us in it , that King Grangousier is the same as King Lewis the 12th . of France , that Gargantua is Francis the first , and that Henry the second , is the true Name of Pantagruel ; but we discover none of Lewis the twelfth's Features in King Grangousier , who does none of the Actions which History ascribes to that Prince , so that the King of Siam , or the Cham of Tartary , might as reasonably be imagined to be Grangousier , as Lewis the twelfth ; as much may be said of Gargantua , and of Pantagruel , who do none of the things that have been remark'd by Historians , as done by the Kings , Francis the first , and Henry the second of France .

This Reason which of its self is very strong , will much more appear to be such , if we reflect on the Author's Words in the Prologue to the first Book . In the perusal of this Treatise ; says he , you shall find another kind of Taste , and a Doctrine of a more profound and abstruse Consideration , which will disclose to you the most glorious Doctrine and dreadful Mysteries , as well in what concerneth your Religion , as matters of the public State and Life Oeconomical ; Mysteries , which as he tells us , are the Juice and Substantial Marrow of his Work . To this Reason I add another as strong and evident . It is , that we find in Grangousier , Gargantua and Pantagruel , Characters that visibly distinguish them from the three Kings of France , which I have nam'd , and from all the other Kings their Predecessors .

In the first Place , Grangousier's Kingdom is not France but a State particularly distinct from it , which Gargantua and Pantagruel call Vtopia .

Secondly , Gargantua is not born in the Kingdom of France , but in that of Vtopia .

Thirdly , He leaves Paris , call'd back by his Father , that he might come to the Relief of his Country , which was attack'd by Picrochole's Army .

And finally , Francis the First is distinguished from Gargantua in the 39 th . Chap. of the first Book , when Fryar Ihon des Entoumeures , says in the Presence of Gargantua , and eating at his Table , had I been in the time of Iesus Christ , I would have kept him from being taken by the Iews in the Garden of Olivet , and the Devil fail me , if I should have fail'd to cut off the Hams of these Gentlemen Apostles , who ran away so basely after they had well supp'd , and left their good Master in the Lurch ; I hate that Man worse than Poyson that offers to run away , when he should fight and lay stoutly about him . Oh if I were but King of France for fourscore or an hundred Years , by G— I should whip like cut tail Dogs these Run aways of Pavia , a Plague take them , &c.

But if Francis the First is not Gargantua , likewise Pantagruel is not Henry the Second ; and if it were needful I would easily shew , That the Authors of that pretended Key have not only been mistaken in those Names , but in all the others , which they undertook to decypher , and that they only spoke at random without the least Grounds or Authorities from History .

All things are right so far ; but the difficulty lyeth not there , we ought to show ▪ who are the Princes that are hid under the Names of Grangousier , Gargantua and Pantagruel , if yet we may suppose them to be Princes . But such a Discovery cannot be very easily made , because most of their Actions are only described in Allegories , and in so confus'd and enigmatic a Manner , that we do not know where to fix . This must be granted ; yet 't is not an impossible thing ; and if we can but once unmark Panurge , who is the ridiculous Hero of the Peece , we may soon guess by the Servant , and the Air and Figure of his Master , who Pantagruel is ,

We find these four Characters in Panurge ,

1. He is well skill'd in the Greek Hebrew and Latin Tongues , he speakes High and Low Dutch , Polish , Spanish , Portuguese , English , Italian , &c.

2. He is learned , understanding , politic , sharp , cunning , and deceitful in the highest Degree .

3. He publicly professes the Popish Religion , tho he in reality laughs at it , and is nothing less than a Papist .

4. His chief Concern next to that of Eating is a Marriage , which he has a desire , yet is affraid to contract , least he should meet with his Match ; that is , a Wife even as bad as himself .

I do not know if those who , by the pretended Key , have been induc'd to believe that Panurge was the Cardinal of Amboise in a Disguise , have been pleased to observe these four qualities ; but I am sure that nothing of all this can be applyed to that Prelate , unless it be , that in general he was an able Minister of State . But all four were found in Iohn de Montluc Bishop of Valence and Die , who was the eldest Brother of the Marschal de Montluc the most violent Enemy which the Hugonots had in those Days .

1. Historians assure us , that he understood the Eastern Tongues , as also the Greek and the Latin , Brantosme . Ec-Beza Hist. cles . the best of any Man in his time ; and in sixteen Embassies , to many Princes of Europe , to whom he was sent in Germany , England , Scotland , Poland , Constantinople , he doubtless learn'd the living Tongues which he did not know before .

2. He gain'd a great Reputation in all those Embassies , and his Wit , his Skill , his Penetration and his Prudence , in observing a Conduct that contented all Persons , were universally admired . But he even out did himself in the most difficult of all those Embassies , which was that of Poland , to the Throne of which Kingdom he caus'd Henry de Valois Duke of Anjou , to be rais'd in spight of the difficulties , which the Massacre of Paris that was wholly laid to his Charge in Poland ( he having been one of the chief Promoters of it ) created concerning his Election . His Toils and his happy Success in those important Negotiations , caus'd him to take this Latin Verse for his Motto , Quae Regio in terris nostri non plena laboris ?

3. The whole Kingdom of France , and particularly the Court , knew that he was a Calvinist , and he himself did not make a Mystery of it , as appears by his preaching their Doctrin once before the Queen , Brantosme . Dupleix . Sponde . Maimbourg . Beza . in a Hat and Cloak , after the manner of the Calvinists , which caus'd the Constable of Mon●morency to say aloud , Why do not they pull that Minister out of the Pulpit ? Nay he was even condemn'd by Pius IV. as an Heretick , but that Pope having not assigned him Judges in partibus according to the Laws of the Kingdom , he kept his Bishoprick , and the Dean of Valence , who had accused him of being a Calvinist , not being well able to make good his Charge , Montluc , who had mighty Friends , caus'd him to be punish'd for it ; also after his Death , his Contract of Marriage with a Gentlewoman call'd Anne Martin was found , yet he still kept in the Roman Church , and still enjoy'd the Revenues of his Bishoprick , as if he had been the most bigotted Papist in that Kingdom . The Considerations that kept him from abjuring solemnly the errors of the Church of Rome were , that Calvin let him know , that according to his Reformation , there could be no Bishops ; he own'd that this Obstacle would not perhaps have hinder'd him from leaving that Communion , could his Kitchin have follow'd him in the other ; excepting that , he was altogether for a Reformation , and in all things favour'd 〈◊〉 Professors , and 't is what Rabelais has observ'd when he makes him conclude all his Discourses in many Languages , with saying , that Venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur ; at this time , Book 2. Chap. 9 I am in a very urgent necessity to feed , my Teeth are sharp , my Belly empty , my Throat dry , and my Stomach fierce and burning ; all is ready , if you will but set me to work , it will be as good as a Balsamum for sore Eyes , to see me guleh and raven it ; for God's sake give order for it .

4. His chief Concern , next to that of living plentifully , was that of his Marriage , and as we have observed , he Married , and had a Son whom he own'd , and who was afterwards legitimated by the Parliament ; 't is the same who is famous in History by the name of Balagny , and who was afterwards Prince of Cambray : his Father caus'd him to be sent into Poland , concerning the Duke of Anjou's Election , of which we have spoke , and he was very serviceable to that Duke in it . Now , 't is that Marriage of the Bishop of Valence , that so much perplexes him by the name of Panurge , in Rabelais's third Book , and which is the occasion of Pantagruel's Voyage to the Holy Bottle in the fourth and fifth .

'T is much to be admired how a Bishop , that openly sided with the Calvinists , who was also a Monk , yet marryed , and living with his Wife whom he had regularly wedded , could enjoy one of the best Bishopricks in France , and some of the chief Employments at Court . He must doubtless have been extreamly cunning , and have had a very particular Talent to keep those envied posts in the Church and State , in spight of all those disavantages , in the midst of so many storms rais'd against him and the Reformation , by Enemies that had all the Forces of the Kingdom in their Power , and could do whatever they pleased .

This Prudence and Craftiness is described to the Life by our Author , when he makes Panurge relate , how he had been broach'd upon a Spit by the Turks , all larded like a Rabbet , and in that manner was roasting alive ; when calling on God , that he might deliver him out of the pains wherein they detained him for his sincerity in the maintenance of his Law , the Turn-spit fell asleep by the Divine Will ; and Panurge having taken in his Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burn'd , cast it into the Lap of his Roaster ; with another set the House on Fire , broach'd on the Spit the Turkish Lord who design'd to devour him , and at last got away , though pursued by a great number of Dogs , who smelt his leacherous half roasted Flesh ; and he threw the Beacon , with which he had been larded , among them .

'T is observable , that there he exclaims against the Turks about their abstaining from Wine , which perhaps may refer to the Church of Rome's denying the Cup in the Eucharist to the Laity , at which particularly Montluc was offended . To lard a Man is a Metaphor often us'd by the French , to signifie , to accuse and reproach , and so he was even before he had his Bishoprick ; throwing a Fire-brand with his Mouth on the Turn-spit's Lap , may be the hot words which he used to clear himself , and with which he charged his Adversaries ; and his spitting and burning the Turkish Lord , may perhaps mean the advantage which he had over them . Book 3. Ch. 7. The Spectacles , which afterward he wore on his Cap , may signify the Caution which he was always oblig'd to take to avoid a surprise , Lapuce a'l oreille and his having a Flea in his Ear , in French signifies the same . His forbearing to wear any longer his Magnificent Codpiece , and clothing himself in four , French Ells of a course brown Russet Cloth , shows that as he was a Monk , he could not weare a Codpiece as was the fashon in those Days , for the Laity ; or perhaps it denotes his affecting to imitate the simplicity of Garb , which was observable in Calvinist Preachers .

This Subaltern Hero of the Farce , now found to be the Bishop of Valence by the Circumstances and Qualifications already discovered , that cannot properly belong to any other , may help us to know not only Pantagruel , to whom he had devoted himself , but also Gargantua and Grangousier the Father and grand-Father of Pantagruel .

History assures us , that Montluc Bishop of Valence ow'd his advancement to Marguerite Devalois , Queen of Navarre and Sister to King Francis the I. She took him out of a Monastery where he was no more than a Iacobin Fryar , and sent him to Rome , whereby he was raised to the Rank of an Embassador , which was the first step to his Advancement .

Thus Pantagruel should be Anthony de Bourbon Duke of Vendosme , King Henry the IV.'s Father , and Lewis the XIV's great grand-Father . He was married to Ieanne de Albret the only Daughter of the said Queen Margaret , and of Henry d' Albret King of Navarre . Thus he became their Son , and King of Navarre after the Death of the said Henry d' Albret whom I take to be Gargantua : consequently his Father Iohn d' Albret King of Navarre , excommunicated by Pope Iulius the III. and depriv'd of the best part of his Kingdom by Ferdinand King of of Arragon , should be Grangousier .

The Verses before the third Book discover , that Pantagruel is Anthony d' Bourbon , afterwards King of Navarre . The Author dedicates it to the Soul of the deceas'd Queen of Navarre , Margaret Devalois , who dy'd in Britany in the Year 1549. She had openly professed the Protestant Religion ; and in 1534 her Ministers , of whom the most famous were Girard Rufly ( since Bishop of Oleron in Navarre ) Couraud and Berthaud , Hist. de Iean Crespin . preach'd publickly at Paris by her direction , upon which a fierce Persecution ensued . Her Learning , and the Agreableness of her Temper were so extraordinary as well as her Vertue , that she was sti●●d , The Tenth Muse and the fourth Grace , she has written several Books : Particularly , one of Poetry called Marguerite des Marguerites , and another in Prose called the Hexameron or Les Nouuelles No●●elles : Of which Novels some might in this Age seem too free to be penned by a Lady , but yet the reputation of her Vertue has always been very great , which shows that tho in that Age both Sexes were less reserved in their writings than we are generally in this , they were not more remiss in their Actions . Among many Epitaphs , She was honour'd with that which follow● .

Quae fui exemplum coelestis nobile form●● , In quam tot laudes , tot co●ere bona , Margareta sub hoc tegitur Valesia saxo . I , nunc atque mori numina posse nega ?

I thought fit to premise this concerning that Princess , that the following Verses might be better understood .

Francois Rabelais . A l' Esprit de la Reine de Navarre . ESprit abstrait , ravy , & ecstatie , Qui frequentant les cieux ton origine , As delaissé ton hoste & domestic , Ton corps concords , qui tant se morigine A tes edits , en vie peregrine , Sans Sentiment , et comme en apathie ▪ Voudrois point faire quelque sortie De ton manoir divin , perpetuel , Et ca-bas voir vne tierce partie Des faits joyeux du bon Pantagruel .

Francis Rabelais , To the Soul of the Queen of Navarre . ABstracted Spirit , rapt with Extasies , Soul , now familiar in thy native Skies ; Who did'st thy flight from thy weak Mansion sake , And thy kind Mate , thy other self , forsake ; Who by thy Rules himself so wisely guides , And here , as in a foreign World , resides , From sence of its fantastic Pleasures free , Since thou his Soul art fled , in Apathy ! Wouldst thou not leave a while the heav'nly plain , And our World with thy Presence grace again , To see this Book , where a third Part I tell , Of the rare Deeds of good Pantagruel .

This Corps concords , this conjugate Body , that grows so conformable to that Queen's Rules and leads the Life of a Traveller who only desires to arrive at his Journey 's end , being as it were in Apathy : What should it be but Henry d' Albret , who had surviv'd that Queen , his Consort , and could love nothing after her in this World ? Endeavouring at the same time to wea● himself from its Vanities , to aspire to a better according to that wise Princess's pious . Admonitions ; nor can the good Pantagruel be any other than Anthony de Bourbon , whom we have already named .

To this Proof I add another , which admits of no Reply ; it is , That the Language which Pantagruel owns to be that of Vtopia and his Country , is the same , that is spoken in the Provinces of Bearn and Gascony ; the first of which was yet enjoy'd by the King of Navarre : Panurge having spoke to him in that Language ; Book 2. Chap. 9. Methinks I understand him , said Pantagruel ; for either it is the Language of my Country of Utopia , or it sounds very like it : Now those who are acquainted with the different Dialects of the French Tongue , need but read to find , that Panurge had spoke in that of Gascony . Agonou dont oussys vous desdaignez algarou , &c.

Besides , Gargantua , who is King of Vtopia , is said to be born in a State near the Bibarois , by which the Author perhaps does not only allude to bibere ( drinking ) but to Bigorre , a Province , which was still possest by the King of Navarre , or at least to the Vivarez , which may be reckoned among the Provinces that are not far distant from that of Foix , which also belonged to that King ; his Mother being Catherine de Foix. That in which Gargantua was born is Beusse , which though it also alludes to drinking , yet by the transmutation of B into V ( generally made by those Nations as well as by many others ) seems to be the ancient Name of Albret , viz. Vasat●● . I might add , That Grangousier is described as one that was well furnish'd with H●ms of Bayonne , Sawsages of Bigorre ▪ and Rouargue , Book 1. Chap. 3. &c. but none of Bolonia ; for he fear'd the Lombard B●osone ( or poison'd Bit , the Pope being indeed his Enemy . ) We are told , that he could not endure the Spaniards , and mention is made also by Grangousier , Book 1. Ch. 8. of the Wine that grows , not , says he , in Britany , Book 1. Ch. 13. but in this good Country of Verron , which seems to be Bearn . I might instance more of this ; but as I know how little we ought to rely upon likeness of Names to find out Places and Colonies , I will only insist upon the word Vtopia , which is the name of Grangousier's Kingdom , and by which the Author means Navarre , of which Gargantua was properly only Titular King , the best part of that Kingdom with Pampelune , its capital City , being in the King of Spain's Hands : So that State was , as it were , no more on Earth as to any benefit he enjoyed by it ; and 't is what the Word Vtopia , from 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , signifies , viz. that is not found , or , a place not to be found . We have therefore here four Actors in the Pantagruelian F●rce , three Kings of Navarre and the Bishop of Valence bred up and rais'd in that House ; we might add two Person● mutae , Catherine de Foix Queen of Navarre matried to Iohn d' Albret , and she therefore should be Gargam●ll● , as Margaret de Valois married to his Son Henry King of Navarre should be Badebec .

Picrochole is doubtless the King of Spain , who depriv'd Iohn d' Albret of that part of Navarre which is on the side of the Pyrene●● Mountains that is next to Spain . This appears by the name of Picrochole , and by the universal Monarchy , of which he thought himself secure .

The word Picrochole is made up of two , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 bitter , and 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 choler , bile or gaul , to denote the Temper of that King , who was nothing but Bitterness and Gaul . This doubly fits Charles the Fifth , first with Relation to Francis the First , against whom ●he conceived an immortal hatred ; and to Henry d' Albret , whose Kingdom he possess'd and whom he lull'd with the hopes of a Restitutition which he never design'd ; which was one of the chief Causes of the War that was kindled between that Emperor and Charles the Fifth , which lasted during both their Reigns . Besides , Charles the Fifth was troubled from time to time with an overflowing of Bile ; so that finding himself decaying , and not likely to live much longer , after he had raised the siege of Mets , as he had done that of Marseille before , being commonly as unfortunate as his Generals were successful , he shut himself up in a 〈◊〉 , where that distemper was the chief Cause of his Death . The hope of 〈◊〉 Monarchy , with which that Emperor flatter'd himself was a Chimaera that possess'd his mind till he resign'd his Crown , and which he seem'd to have assign'd with it , to Philip the II ▪ his Son and Successors .

This Frenzy , which in his Thirst of Empire possessed him wholly , Book 1. Ch. 33. is very pleasantly ridicul'd by Rabelais . The Duke of Small Thrash , The Earl Swa●●●-Buckler , and Captain 〈◊〉 make Picrochole ( in Rodomontados ) conquer Tall the Nations in the Universe . I suppose that our Satyrist means by these three some Grandees of Spain ▪ for , their King Picrochole bids them be cover'd . After many imaginary Victories , they speak of erecting two Pillars , to perpetuate his Memory , at the Streights of Gibraltar ; by which he ridicules Charles the V.'s Devise which was two Pillars with plus Vltra for the Moto : Then they make him go to 〈◊〉 and Algier , ( which Charles the V. did ) march to Rome and cause the Pope to dye for Fear , whereat Picrochole is pleased , because he will not then kiss his Pyantoufle , and longs to be at Loretto . Accordingly we know that in 1527 his Army had taken Rome by storm , plundered it and its Churches , ravished the Nuns if any would be ravished , and having almost starved the Pope , at last took him Prisoner , which Actions of a Catholic Kings Army , Sandoval a Spanish Author , only terms opra non Santa . Then Picrochole fancying himself Master already of so many Nations , most royally gratifies those who so easily made him Conquer them ; to this he gives Caramania , Suria to that , and Palestine to the third ; till at last a wise old Officer speaks to him much as Cyneas did to Pyrrhu● , and with as little Success as that Philosopher .

As it was not our Author's Design to to give us a regular History of all that happened in his Time , he did not tye himself up to Chronology , and sometimes joyned Events which have but little Relation to each other . Many times also the Characters are double , as perhaps is that of Picrochole . In the Menagiana lately published , which is a Collection of Sayings , Reparties and Observations by the learned Menage , every one of them attested by Men of Leaning , and Credit , we are told that Messieurs de Sainte Marthe have told him , that the Picrochole of Rabelais was their Grand Father , who was a Physician at Fron●evaut . These M●de St. Marthe are the worthy Sons of the famous Samarthanus , who gave so high a Character of Rabelais among the most celebrated Men of France , and who themselves have honour'd his Letters with large Notes , and shew'd all the Marks of the greatest respect for his Memory ; so that I am apt to believe that they would not fix such a Character on their Grand-father , had there not been some Grounds for it . Much less would they have said this to Monsieur Menage , who doubtless understood Rabelais very well , since I find by the Catalogue of his Works in Manuscript , that he has written a Book of Observations on Rabelais , which I wish were Printed ; for they must doubtless be very curious ; no less ought to be expected from that learned Author of the Origines de la Languo Francoise , and of the Origini della Lingua Italiana , as also of the curious Observations on the Aminta of Tasso , not to speak of his Diogenes Laertius , and many others . As he was most skill'd in Etymologies , and a Man of the greatest Reading and Memory in France , he had doub●less made too many discoveries in our Author , to have believ'd what Messieurs Sainte Marthe said to him , were , there not some Grounds for it . We may then suppose that Rabelais had the wit so to describe pleasant incidents that past among Men of Learning , or his Neighbours in and near Chinon , as that at the same time , some great Acti●● , in Church or State should be represented or satiriz'd ; just as Monsieur De Benserade , in his Verses for the solemn Masks at the French Court has made his King , representing Iupiter , say what equally might be said of that Heathen God , or of that Monarch .

Thus the Astrea of the Lord D'urfe , which has charm'd all the ingenious of both Sexes , and is still the admiration of the most knowing , meerly as a Romance , has been discover'd long ago by some few , to have throughout it a foundation of Truth . But as it only contains the private Amours of some Persons of the first quality in that Kingdom , and even those of its noble Author , he had so disguis'd the Truths which he describes , that few had the double pleasure of seeing them reconcil'd to the ou●ward Fictions ; Oeuures De. d● Patru . V. 2. 1692. till among the Works of the greatest Orator of his time , the late Monsieur Patru of the French Academy , they had a Key to a part of that incomparable pastoral , which he says he had from its Author : And none that have known Patru , or read his Works or Boileau's , will have any reason to doubt of what he says . He tells us , that the Author of Astrea to make his Truths more agreeable , has interwove them , with mere fictions , which yet are generally only the Veils that hide some Truths , which might otherwise not so properly appear in such ● Work ; sometimes he gives as a part of the chief Intreague of a Person , such Actions as that Person transacted at another time , or on another occasion ; and on the other side , he sometimes divides one History , so that under different Names still he means but one Person ; thus Diana and Astrea , Celadon and Silvander are the same .

We ought not to forget that Barclay in his Argenis which is the history of France , in Henry the IV. 's time , does the same ; Polyarchus and Archombrotus being but one .

As in Astrea when two Lovers marry the Author only means , that they love each other ; so when in ours , Panurge desires to marry and consults about it , we may suppose him already married and affraid of being prosecuted about it .

And if our Author has changed the Places and Order of Times , and set before what should go after , and that last which should have been first , 't is no more than what the judicious Patru allows to his , as a thing , says he , that it always used in all those sorts of Works ; and thus he makes that last , but six Months which held out fifteen Years and with him Chartres in France , and Malta are but one .

Rabelais , who had more reason to write mystically than any , may then be allowed equal Freedom in his Allegories ; and without fixing only the Character of Picrochole , on Charles the V we may believe that it refers as well to his Predecessor , 〈◊〉 King of Arragon , and of Cas●ile my Queen Isabella his Wife ; that deprived Iohn d' Albret of his kingdom of Navarre ; for that Spaniard was as bitter an Enemy , as cunning , and at least as fa●al to the house of Navarre , as his Successor .

Iohn d' Albret was an open hearted , magnificent , generous Prince ; but easie , and ●elying wholly on hi● Ministers , being given to his Pleasures , which often consisted in going privately to eat and drink with his Subjects , and inviting himself to their Houses ; howe-ever he lov'd Books , and was a great lover of Herald●y , nicely observing the Pedigrees , Coats and Badges of Honour of Families , which perhaps makes Rabelais open his Scene ▪ with refering us to the great Pantagruelian Chronicle ( by which he begins his second Book ) for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of Race , by which Gargantua is descended to us , how the Giants were born in this World , and how from them by a direct Line issued Gargantua ; then he bids us not take it ill , if he for the present passes it by , though the Subject be such , that the oftner it were remembred , the more it will please your Worships ▪ by which he exposes that Prince's and some Gentlemen's continual Application to a vain Search , into the dark and fabulous Times for Pedigrees , as Rabelais says , from the Gyants ▪ for many would be deriv'd from something greater than Man . Then he makes his King● Gyants , because they are so in Power , and sometimes what serves the whole Court and attendants is by him applyed wholly to the King ▪ as Eating , Cloathing , Strength . And then by that he ridicules the Romances of those days , where Giants are always brought in , as well as Magicians , Witches , single Men routing whole Armies , and a thousand other such fabulous Stories . He has also ridicul'd the variety of doubtful , though ancient Originals , in the odd discovery of the Manuscript ; and in the 9. Chap. the distinction of Colours and Liveries , which took up that Prince's time , due to higher Imployments , as worthily as the rest of Heraldry . There he tells us , that Gargantua's Colours or Liveries were white and blew , by which his Father would give to understand , that his Son was to him a Heavenly Ioy . Thence with as much Fancy as Judgment , he takes an Opportunity to laugh at the lame and punning Devises or Impreses of those Days , in which however , Paul Iove had already given Rules to make better ; yet after all , I believe that by Gargantua's Colours , Rabelais also alludes to K. Henry d' Albret , and Marguerite his Queen , who were sincerely for a Reformation ; so the White may signifie Innocence , Candor and Sincerity , and the Blew , Piety or Heavenly Love . Perhaps also as Epist. de Rabelais . Godefroy d Estissac Bishop of Maillezais in his Coat , gave paled Argent and Azur of six Pieces , he had a mind to celebrate the colours of his Patron .

The account of Gargantua's youthful Age , Chap. 11. agrees very well with that which Historians give us of the way of bringing up Henry IV. of France , Mezeray . Hardouinde Perefix . hist. Henry IV. by his Grand-father , Henry d' Albret , who is the same with Gargantua That great Monarch was in his tender age inur'd by that old Prince to all sorts of Hardships , for he caus'd him to be kept in the Country , where he order'd they should let him run among the poor Country Boys , which the young Prince did , sometimes without Shoos or Hat , being fed with the coursest fare ; so that having by those means contracted a good habit of Body , he was afterwards so hardned to Fatigues , so Vigilant and active , and so easily pleased with the most homely Dier , that it did not a little contribute to the advantage which he had over the League , whose Chief the Duke de Mayenne was of a Disposition altogether different . Now , 't is very probable that Henry d' Albert was himself brought up much after the manner which he chose for his Grand-son ; for we read that he was not only an ingenious and understanding Prince , generous and liberal even to Magnificence , but also very warlike and hardy .

The Education of Gargantua , by the Sophisters is a Satyr on those Men , Ch. 21. Book 1 and the tedious Methods of the Schools , shewing the little improvement that was made in Henry d' Albret's Studies , as long as he was under Popish Governors , and the ill Life that the young Gentlemen of the Roman Church led ; as on the contrary , the benefit of having good Tutors , and the difference between the Romans and the Protestants , Ch. 33. Book 1. carefully and piously educated at the Dawn of the Reformation ; for there is no doubt , that tho Henry d' Albret did not dare to profess it , the People in Navarre , being all Papists , and there being obstacles enough to the recovery of that Kingdom , lost by his Father , without raising more , yet he heartily hated the Popish Principles , and the King of Arragon and Castille , who merely on the pretence of Iohn d' Albret's alliance with Lewis XII . at the time of his Excommunication , had seiz'd his Country and held it by the Pope's Gift ; so we find that the Reformers no sooner preach'd against Bulls and Indulgences , the taking away the Cup in the Eucharist , and Transubstantiation , but that Marguerite , the Wife of K. Henry d' Albret , and Sister to Francis the first , own'd her self to be one of the new Opinion , and as powerfully defended its Professors as she could . Any one may see by the two Chapters of Gargantua's Education by Ponocrates , that the Author treats of a Protestant Prince , and of Gargantua's being brought to a reform'd state of Life ; for he says , that when Ponocrates knew Gargantua 's vicious manner of living , he resolv'd to bring him up in a much different way , and requested a learned Physitian of that Time , call'd Master Theodorus , seriously to perpend how to bring him to a better course ; he says , that the said Physitian purg'd him canonically , with Anticyrian Hellebore , by which Medicine , he clear'd all that foulness and perverse habit of his Brain , and by this means Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learn'd under his ancient Preceptors . Theodorus is a very proper Name for a Divine , signifying Gift of God , from 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , and that great Master of Thought , Father Malebranche , gives it to the Divine who is one of the Interlocutors in the admirable Metaphysical Dialogues , which he calls Conversations Chrestiennes ; so that as Rabelais tells us , Theodorus was a Physitian for the mind , that is , one of the new Preachers , and perhaps Berthaud , that of Queen Marguerite .

By the Anticyrian Hellebore , with which he purged Gargantua's Brain , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 potestas , apud Suidam . may be meant powerful Arguments drawn from Reason , and the Scripture oppos'd to the Authority of the Popish Church ; after this Purge we find Gargantua awak'd at four in the Morning , and while they were rubbing him , some Chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly with a Pronunciation fit for the matter read to him , and according to the purpose and argument of that Lesson , oftentimes giving himself to Worship , Adore , Pray and send up his Supplications to that good God , whose Word did shew his Majesty and marvellous Iudgment . That Chapter and the next are admirable , as well as many more , nor can we ever have a more perfect Idea of the Education of a Prince , than is that of his Gargantua , whom he represents all along as a Man of great Honour , Sense , Courage and Piety ; whereas under his other Masters , in the Chapters before , we find him idle , and playing at all sorts of Games . Nothing can better demonstrate the great Genius and Prudence of our Author who could submit to get together so many odd Names , of trifling things , to keep himself out of Danger , and grace the Counterpart which is so judicious and so grave ; he had told us first , that Gargantua under his former Pedagogues , after a good Breakfast went to Church , a huge greasie Breviary being carryed before him in a great Basket ; that there he heard 26 or 30 Masses ; that this while came his Martin Mumbler ( Chaplain ) muffled about the Chin ( that is with his Cow ) round as a Hoop , and his Breath pretty well antidoted with the Vine-Tree-Syrop , that with him he mumbled all his Kyriels , and as he went from the Church , santring along through the Cloysters , ridled more of St. Claude's Patinotres , then sixteen Hermits could have done . So that there we find him a Papist , and in the following Chapter , as I have said a Protestant .

Without doubt , the Sophisters under whom Gargantua did not improve were some noted Men in his Age , Chap. 14. Book 1. I have not yet discovered who they were .

As for Don Philip of Marais Viceroy of Papeligosse , who advises Grangousier to put his Son under another Discipline , Ch. 15. Book 1. he may perhaps be Philip , Son to the Marschall of Navarre ; the Title of Don being taken by the Navarrois , and Marais seems Marechall .

Gargantua is sent with Ponocrates to Paris by his Father , that they might know , Ch. 15. and 16. says he , what was the study of the young Men in France ; this shows that Gangousier was not King of it , and that Gargantua was a Stranger there .

Many who take him to be Francis the First , think that his huge great Mare is Madam d'Estampes , that King's Mistress , and explain that Mare 's skirmishing with her Tail , whereby she overthrew all the Wood in the Country of Beauce , by a Gift which they say , he made her of some of its Forests . They say also , That the King was desirous to buy her a Necklace of Pearls ; and that partly on that account he would have got some Money of the Citizens of Paris ; but they being unwilling to comply with his demand , the King and his Mistress threatned to sell the Bells of our Lady's Church ( the Cathedral ) to buy his Lady a Necklace : And that this has given occasion to say , Chap. 17. Book 1. That Gargantua design'd to hang those Bells at his Mare 's Neck .

Though , as I have said , Gargantua be not Francis the First , I might believe that Rabelais had a mind to make us merry with the recital of such an Adventure , were it not certain that the said King has read his Book , and would hardly have liked such a Passage , had he been himself an Actor there ; but , besides , History relates nothing of this Nature of him ; nor has the Story of the Bells the resemblance of Truth .

As for the blow with the Mare 's Tail , it might as well belong to Henry d' Albret , who has not been without a Mistress . Had I been able to get some certain Books , and had the Bookseller not been impatient , by reason of the Term , I would have done my Endeavours to unriddle that Enigma ; but having hardly a Fortnights time , to make my Observations , and finish the Author's Life and this Preface , I must put off that Inquiry till some other Opportunity , and then what further Discoveries I may make , may be published with those on the fourth and fifth Books , which contain Pantagruel's Voyage to the holy Bottle , as beautiful at least as these three .

I will however , offer here a Conjecture on that story of the Bells ; we find in the 17 , 18 and 19th . Chapters of the first Book , that Master Ianotus de Bragmardo a Sophister is sent to Gargantua to recover the Bells , and makes a wretched Speech to him about it ; I am sensible that 't was partly his Design to ridicule the Universities , which at that time deserv'd no better in France . But in particular , I believe that he aim'd at Cenalis , a Doctor of Sorbonne , and afterwards Bishop of Auranches , for I find that this Prelate had writ a Treatise wonderfully pleasant , Hist. de Iean Crespin . concerning the Signs , whereby the true Church may be distinguish'd from the false ; in it he waves the preaching of the Gospel , and Administration of the Sacraments , and pretends to prove that Bells are the signs which essentially distinguish the Church of Rome from the Reform'd , who at that time had none , and us'd to assemble privately at the letting off of a Musquet in the High Street , which was a sign by which they knew that it was time to meet to perform Divine Service . Cenalis on this , triumphs , as if he had gain'd his Point , and runs on in a long Antithesis , to prove that Bells are the signs of the true Church , and Guns the mark of the bad ; all Bells , says he , sound ; but all Guns thunder , all Bells have a melodious Sound , all Guns make a dreadful Noise ; Bells open Heaven , Guns open Hell ; Bells drive away Clouds and Thunder , Guns raise Clouds , and mock the Thunder . He has a great deal more such Stuff , to prove that the Church of Rome is the true Church , because forsooth , it has Bells , which the other had not .

The taking away the Bells of a Place , implys its Conquest , and even Towns that have Articled are oblig'd to redeem their Bells ; perhaps the taking away the great Bells at Paris , was the taking away the Privileges of its University , or some other ; for Paris may only be nam'd for a Blind . Thus the Master Beggar of the Fryars of St. Anthony , coming for some Hog's Purtenance ( St. Anthony's Hog is always pictur'd with a Bell at its Neck ) who to be heard afar off , and to make the Beacon shake in the very Chimneys , had a mind to filch and carry those Bells away privily but was hindered by their weight ; that Master Beggar , I say , must be the head of some Monks , perhaps of that Order in the Fauxbourg St. Antoine , who would have been substituted to those that had been deprived , and the Petition of Master Ianotus is the pardon which the University begs , perhaps for some affront resented by the Prince ; for those that escap'd the Flood , cry'd we are wash'd Par ris , that is , for having laugh'd . Rabelais , en passant , there severely inveighs against the grumblers and factious Spirits at Paris : Which makes me think that whether the Scene lies there or elsewhere as in Gascoigny , some people of which Country were Henry d' Albret's Subjects , still this was a remarkable Event . In the Prologue to the fourth Book , Iupiter busied about the Affairs of Mankind , crys , Here are the Gascons Cursing , Damning and Renouncing , demanding the re-establishment of their Bells ; I suppose that more is meant than Bells , or he would not have us'd the word , Re-establishment .

But 't is time to speak of the great strife and debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerné , Chap. 25. Book 1. and those of Gargantua 's Country ; whereupon were wag'd great Wars . We may easily apply many things concerning these Wars to those of Navarre , between the House of d'Albret , and King Ferdinand and Charles the fifth . Thus Les Truans , or as this Translation renders it , the Inhabitants of Lerné , who , by the command of Picrochole their King , invaded and plunder'd Vtopia , Gargantua's Country , are the Spanish Soldiers , and Lerné is Spain . The word Truand in old French , signifies an idle lazy Fellow , which hits pretty well the Spaniards Character , the Author having made choice of that name of a place near Chinon , because it alludes to the Lake Lerna , where Hercules destroyed the Lernaean Hydra , which did so much hurt in the Country of Argos , that thence came the Proverb , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , Malorum Lerna . Thus Spain was a Lerna of Ills , to all Europe , while , like France now , it aspir'd to universal Monarchy , but it was so more particularly to Navarre in Iuly 1512 , when King Iohn d' Albret and Queen Catharine de Foix the lawful Sovereign were dispossess'd by Ferdinand King of Arragon , almost without any resistance . The said King Iohn , desirous of Peace , sent Don Alphonso Carillo , Constable of Navarre , in the quality of his Embassador to Ferdinand , to prevent the approaching mischief ; Hist. de Navar . par C. Secretaire & Interpret . du Roy. but he was so ill receiv'd , says the History of Navarre , Dedicated to King Henry IV. and printed with his Privilege , that he was glad to return to his King with speed , and related to him that there was no hope left to persuade the King of Arragon to a Peace , and that Lewis de Beaumont , Earl of Lerins , who had forsaken Navarre , daily incourag'd Ferdinand to attack that Kingdom . So that this Embassie resembles much that of Vlric Gallet to Picrochole who swears by St. Iames , the Saint of the Spaniards . In November 1512. Francis Duke of Angoulesme , afterwards King , was sent with King Iohn d' Albret , by Lewis XII . to recover Navarre , having with him several of the greatest Lords in France , and a great Army , which possess'd it self of many Places , but the rigour of the Season oblig'd them to raise the Siege of Pampelune . And in 1521. another Army under the Command of Andrew de Foix , Lord of Asperault , enter'd Navarre , and wholly regain'd it , Memoires de Martin du Bellay . but it was lost again soon after by the imprudence of that General , and the Avarice of St. Colombe , one of his chief Officers .

Those that will narrowly examin History , will find that many particulars of the Wars in the first Book of Rabelais , may be reconcil'd to those of Navarre ; but I believe that he means something more than a Description of the Fights among the Soldiers , by the debate rais'd betwixt the Cake-sellers or Fouassiers of Lerné , and the Shepherds of Gargantua . Those Shepherds or Pastors , should be the Lutheran and Calvinist Ministers , whom Iohn and Henry d' Albert favour'd , being the more dispos'd to adhere to the reviving Gospel which they preach'd , by the provoking Remembrance of the Pope's and King of Spain's injurious usage ; and for that Reason , Queen Margarite did not only profess the Protestant Religion , but after the Death of Henry d' Albert , Queen Iane their Daughter , Married to Anthony de Bourbon , was a Zealous Defender of it till she dy'd , and her Son Henry , afterwards rais'd to the Throne of France , publickly own'd himself a Protestant , till his impatient desire of being peaceably seated on it , made him leave the better Party to pacifie the worse .

The Cake sellers of Lerné are the Priests , and other Ecclesiastics of Spain ; as also all the Missificators of the Church of Rome . Rabelais calls them Cake-mongers , or Fouassiers , by reason of the Host , or Sacramental Wafer , which is made of Dough , between a pair of Irons , like the Cakes or Fouasses in Poitou , where Rabelais liv'd , and is said to be transubstantiated into the Corpus-Christi , when consecrated by the Priest .

The Subject of the Debate , as Rabelais terms it , between those Cake-sellers and the Shepherds is the first 's refusal to supply the latter with Cakes , to eat with the Grapes which they watch'd . For as Rabelais observes , 'T is a Celestial Food , to eat for Break-fast , fresh Cakes with Grapes , by which he alludes to the way of receiving the Communion among the Protestants , who generally take that Celestial Food fasting , and always with the juice of the Grape , that is , with Wine , according to the Evangelical Institution . Now the Cake-mongers or Popish Priests would not consent to give Cakes , that is to say , Bread , but would only give the accidents of the Cakes , or to speak in their own Phrase , the accidents of the Bread , and it is well known that this was the chief occasion of our separation from the Church of Rome .

Upon the reasonable request of the Shepherds , the Cake-sellers , instead of granting it , presently fall to railing and reviling , adding , after a whole Litany of comical , though defamatory Epithetes , that course unraung'd Bread , or some of the great brown Houshold Loaf was good enough for such Shepherds , meaning that the gross Notions of Transubstantiation ought ●o satisfie the Vulgar . The Shepherds reply modestly enough , and say that the others us'd formerly to let them have Cakes , by which must be understood , the times that preceded the Doctrin of Transubstantion . Then Marquet one of the Cake-Merchants treacherously invites Forgier to come to him for Cakes , but instead of them , only gives him a swindging Lash with his Whip , over-thwart the Legs , whereupon he is rewarded by the other with a broken Pate , and falls down from his Mare , more like a dead then like a living Man , wholly unfit to strike another blow .

These two Combatants are the Controverstists of both parties ; the Papist immediately begins to rail and abuse his Adversary . The Lutheran confounds him in his replys , and for a blow with a Whip treacherously given , very fairly disables his Enemy .

This is the Judgment that Rabelais , a Man of Wit and Learning impartially passes on the Writers of both Parties . If any would seek a greater Mystery in that Grand Debate as Rabelais calls it , which term I believe he would hardly have used for a real Fight , let them imagin that he there describes the Conference at Reinburgh , where Melancthon , Bucer and Pistorius debated of Religion against Eccius , Iulius Pflug and Iohn Gropper , and handled them much as Forgier did Marquet .

But this Exploit of Forgier being inconsiderable , if compared to those of Fryar Ihon des Entomeures , or of the Funnels , as some corruptly call him , we should endeavour to discover who is that brave Monk that makes such rare Work with those that took away the Grapes of the Vineyard . By the pretended Key which I think fit to give you after this , since it will hardly make up a Page ; we are told , that our Fryar Ihon is the Cardinal of Lorraine , Brother to the Duke of Guise ; but that Conjecture is certainly groundless ; for though the Princes of his House were generally very brave , yet that Cardinal never affected to show his Courage in martial Atchievements , and was never seen to girt himself for War , or to fight for the Cause which he most espoused ; besides , had he been to have fought , it would have been for Picrochole . It would be more reasonable to believe that Fryar Ihon is Odet de Coligny Cardinal de Chastillon , Archbishop of Tholouse , Bishop and Earl of Beauuais , Abbot of St. Benign , of Dijon , of Fleury , of Ferrieres and of Vaux de Cernay : For , that Prelate was a Man of Courage , no ways inferior to his Younger Brothers , the Admiral and the Lord d' Andelot . Besides , he was an Enemy to Spain and a Friend to Navarre ; Vide Thuan. Samarthan . Ciacon . Du Bouchet . d' Aubigné , lib. 4. Sponde in annal. Hist. Eccles. Beza . Petrameller . then he was a Protestant , and helped his Brothers , doing great Service to those of his Party ; and was married to Elizabeth de Hauteville , Dame de Thoré , a Lady of great Quality . Pope Pius IV. in a private Consistory deprived him , for adhering to his Brothers , but he neither valued the Pope nor his Censures ; he died in England in 1571 , and lies interr'd in Canterbury Cathedral , having been made a Cardinal by Clement VII . at his and Francis I.'s Interview at Marseilles in 1533. I own that what he did for the Protestant Cause was chiefly after the Death of Rabelais , and that some have represented him as a Man wholly given to his Ease ; but Rabelais , whose best Friend he was , knew his Inclinations , even when he composed this Work , which made him dedicate the Fourth part of it to him : And 't is chiefly to that brave Cardinal that we are obliged for that Book , and the last of this mysterious History ; Lib. 4. Epist. Dedicat. since without the King's Protection , which he obtained for Rabelais , he had resolved to write no more , as I have already observed . And for his being addicted to his Pleasures , that exactly answers the Name of his Abbey of Theleme , of which those that are Members do what they please , according to their only Rule , Do what thou wilt , and to the Name of the Abbey , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , Volontas . Perhaps Rabelais had also a regard to 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , which often signifies a Nuptial Chamber , to shew that our valiant Monk was married ; thus the Description of the Abbey shows us a model of a Society free from all the Tyes of others , yet more honest by the innate Vertues of its Members ; therefore its Inscription excludes all Monks and Fryars , inviting in all those that expound the holy Gospel faithfully , though others murmur against them . Indeed I must confess , that he makes his Fryar swear very much , but this was to expose that Vice which , as well as many others , reigned among Ecclesiastics ▪ in his Age. Besides , the Cardinal had been a Souldier , and the Men of that Profession were doubtless not more reserv'd then , than they are now . I will give an instance of it that falls naturally into this Subject , and is the more proper , being of one who was also a Cardinal , a Bishop , a Lord , an Abbot , Married , a Soldier , a Friend to the House of Navarre , engaged in its Wars , and who perhaps may come in for his share of Friar Ihon. I speak this of Caesar Borgia , the Son of Pope Alexander VI. who having made his escape out of Prison at Medina del Campo , came in 1506 to his Brother in Law Iohn d' Albret , King of Navarre . Being Bishop of Pampeluna its Capital , he resign'd it , as well as his Cardinal's Cap and other Benefices , to lead a Military Life ; and , after many Engagements in other Countries , was killed , Hist. de Navarre . being with King Iohn at the Siege of the Castle of Viane , which held for Lewis de Beaumont Earl of Lerins , Constable of Navarre , who had rebelled against King Iohn . That Earl having thrown a Convoy into the Castle , Caesar Borgia who desir'd to fight him at the Head of his Men , cryed , Où est , où est ce C●mtereau ? Ie jure Dieu , qu'aujourd'huy ●e le feray mourir ou le prendray prisonier : Ie ne cesseray ●usques á ce qu'il soit entierement destruit , & ne pardonneray ny sauveray la vie à aucun des siens : Tout passera par l' epeé jusques aux chiens & aux chats . That is ; Where is , where is this petty Earl ? By G— I will this day kill or take him : I will not rest till I have wholly destroyed him : Nor will I spare one Creature that is his ; all , to the very Dogs and Cats , shall die by the Sword . It cannot be supposed that Rabelais drew his Friar Ihon by this Man , but 't is not unlikely that he had a mind to bring him in , by giving some of his Qualifications to his Monk ; for there is no doubt that our Author made his Characters double as much as he could , as it were , stowing three , and perhaps ▪ five , in the place of one for want of Room ; not altogether like an Actor who plays three different Parts in the same Piece , nor like Scaramouch , who acts various Parts in the same Clothes , but like that Pantomime in Lucian , who represented several Things at once ; and was said to have five different Souls in one Body . Thus , if Picrochole , besides the Characters of King Ferdinand of Arragon , and of Charles the Fifth , includes that of Dr. de St. Marthe of Frontevaut , as his Grand Sons said to Menagius , Brother Ihon may also be some Monk of the Abbey where Rabelais had lived .

I presume to say more , though , as all that I have said already , I humbly offer it as bare and uncertain Conjectures ; why may we not suppose that our Author has a mind to give us , after his manner , a Sketch of the great Luther ? He was also a Monk , and a jolly one too ; being ▪ as Rabelais says , A Clerk even to the Teeth in matter of Breviary . The Vineyard , and consequently the Wine which is saved , is the Cup in the Communion , which , through his means , when taken away by the Popish Priests , was in spight of Charles the Emperor , also King of Spain , and his Soldiers , restored to the Protestants in Germany . The Prior , who calls Friar Ihon drunken Fellow , for troubling the divine Service , may be the Pope and the superior Clergy .

Then Friar Ihon throwing off his great Monk's Habit , and laying hold on the Staff of the Cross , is Luther's leaving his Monastery , to rely on Christian Weapons , the Merit of his Redeemer . The Victory obtained against those that disorderly ravag'd the Vineyard and took away the Grapes , is his baffling the Arguments of his Opposers ; and their being out of Order , means the Ignorance of the Papists . The little Monkitos that profer their help to Friar Ihon , and who leaving their outer-Habits and Costs upon the Rails , made an end of those whom he had already crushed , are those Monks and other of the Clergy , much inferior to Luther , who followed his Reformation , and wrote against those whom he had in a manner wholly confuted .

'T is known , That at the Council of Trent the Germans thirsted very much after the Wine in the Eucharist , and that they were as eager for the abolishing of the Cannons that enjoyn'd Celibacy to the Clergy , as for the Restitution of the Cup to the Laity . They used to have the Words of of our Saviour , Bibite ex hoc omnes , marked in golden Characters in all their Bibles , and made Songs and Lampoons on the Robbers of the Cup , as they called them . They had also a design to have Cups in all their Standards and Ensigns of War , and the Picture of the Cup in all the Churches of their Communion , as the Hussites of Bohemia had done , which occasion'd this Distic by a Poet of the Roman Church .

Tot pingit Calices Bohemorum terra per urbes , Vt credas Bacchi numina sola coli .

Indeed , what is said of Friar Ihon , Chap. 41 , 42 and 43. may induce us to believe , that the Man who has the greatest share in the Character of the Monk did not absolutely cast off his Frock , but far from it , we see that the Friar kept it on to preserve himself from his Enemies , and desired no other Armour for Back and Breast , and after Gargantua's Followers had armed him Cap-a-pié against his Will , his Armour was the cause of an unlucky Accident , which made him call for help , and swear that he was betrayed , while he remain'd hang'd by the Ears on a Tree . So he afterwards threw away his Armour , and took to him the Staft of the Cross ; holding himself invulnerable with his Monkish Habit. Accordingly when Captain Drawforth is sent by Picrochole with 1600 Horsemen thoroughly besprinkled with holy water , and who to be distinguished from their Enemies , wore a Stole instead of a Scarf ( for so it should have been in the 43. Chapter , and not Star as it is there printed ) we find that Fryar Ihon having frighted them all away , Draw-forth only excepted , that bold Enemy , with his utmost strength could not make his Lance pierce our Monk's Frock , and was soon knock'd down by him with the staff of the Cross ; and found out to be a Priest by his Stole .

This confirms what has been said , that , all this War is chiefly a dispute of Religion ; and this part of it seems to relate to Cardinal Chastillon , because he was secure within his Ecclesiastical habit ; the Authour sometimes , as I have said , joyning several Characters together . Thus the Monk's discourse at Table is not only applicable to that Cardinal but also to Montluc Bishop of Valence , who makes his first appearance on our Doctor 's stage , in the second act by the name of Panurge ; for Fryar Ihon being desired to pull off his Frock ; Let me alone with it , replyes he , I 'l drink the better while it is on , It makes all my Body Iocund , did I lay it aside , I should lose my appetite : So , Many in those days , as well as in these , lov'd the Benefice more then they hated the Religion . Some will say that the request made then to Fryar Ihon was only , that he should ease himself of his monastic Frock while he was at Table , but Rabelais would not have made his Monk refuse such a request ; he knew that some of the Princes of the Clergy had in his time , at the French Court , and in the King's Presence taken a greater liberty ; for there had been a Ball in Lewis the XII's Reign , where two Cardinals danc'd before him , among the rest ; and in another given him by Ioanne-Iacomo Trivulse , several Princes and great Lords had danc'd in Fryar's habit . The Monk talks with a great deal of Freedom at Gargantua's Table , and swears that he kept open house at Paris for six Months ; then he talks of a Fryar that is become a hard Students then says that for his part he studies not at all , justifying himself for this conduct in false Latin ; after this he abruptly starts a new matter , and lets his Fancy run after hares , hawks and hounds , and thus he goes on by sallies , and admirably humours the way of talking of the young Courts Abbots in France . Now probably the Cardinal who did not set up for a Man of Learning , being of great Quality , allowed himself Liberty accordingly , making hunting one of his Recreations ; B. 1. Ch. 40. and indeed what Gargantua says concerning Fryar-Ihon , in the next Chapter , hits Cardinal Chastillon's Character exactly : There having taxed most Monks with mumbling out great store of Legends and Psalms , which they understand not at all , and interlarding many Paternotres , with ten times as many Ave-maries without thinking upon or apprehending the meaning of what they say , which he calls mocking of God and not Prayers ; he says , that all true Christians in all places , and at all times send up their Prayers to God , and the Spirit prayeth and intercedes for them and God is gracious to them : Now such a one , adds he , is our Fryar-Jhon , he is no Bigot &c.

What Grangousier says to the French Pilgrims , shows that he also was no Biggot , and was not King of France ; when speaking of some superstitious Preachers , one of whom had called him Heretic , he adds , I wonder that your King should suffer them in their Sermons to publish such Scandalous Doctrin in his Dominions . Then Fryar-Ihon , says to the Pilgrims , that while they thus are upon their Pilgrimage , the Monks will have a Fling at their Wives . After that , Grangousier bids them not be so ready to undertake those idle and unprofitable journyes , but go home and live as St. Paul directs them , and then God will guard them from Evils which they think to avoid by Pilgrimages .

What has been observed , puts it beyond all doubt , that our jesting Author was indeed in Earnest when he said , that he mystically treated of the most high Sacraments , and dreadful secrets , in what concerns our Religion , I know , that immediately after this , he passes off with a Banter what he had assur'd very seriously ; but this was an admirable peice of Prudence ; and who ever will narrowly examin his writings will find , that this Vertue is inseparably joyned with his wit , so that his Enemies never could have any advantage over him .

But not to comment upon several other Places in his first Book , that the ingenious may have the pleasure of unriddling the rest of it themselves , I will only add , that his manner of ending it is a Master peice surpassing , the artful evasion , which as I have now observed , is in its Introduction .

It is an Enigma , as indeed is the whole Work , I could only have wished that it had been proper to have put it into a more modish Dress ( for then doubtless it would have more generally have pleased ) But I suppose that the Gentleman who revised this Translation thought it not fit to give the Graces of our Modern Enigmas to the Translation of a prophetical Riddle in the style of Merlin . Gargantua piously fetches a very deep sigh , when he has heard it read , and says , that he perceives by it , that it is not now only , that People called to the Faith of the Gospel , are persecuted ; but happy is the Man that shall not be scandalized , but shall always continue to the end , in aiming at the Mark , which God by his dear Son has set before us &c. Upon this the Monk asks him , what he thought was signified by the Riddle ? What ? says Gargantua , the Decrease and Propagation of the Divine Truth ; That is not my Exposition , says the Monk , it is the style of the Prophet Merlin ; make as many grave Allegories , and Tropes as you will ; I can conceive no other meaning in it , but a description of a Set at Tennis in dark and obscure Terms . By this Riddle which he expounds he cunningly seems to insinuate that all the rest of his Book , which he has not explained , wholly consists of trifles ; and what is most remarkable , is that he illustrates the Truths which he had concealed by the very Passage wherewith he pretends to make them pass for Fables , and thus blinds with too much light , those Enemies of Truth , who would not have failed to have burned him alive , in that persecuting Age , had he had less Wit and Prudence than they shewed Ignorance and Malice .

I need not enlarge much on the other Books by reason of the Discoveries made in the first that relate to them . The first Chapter of the second , gives us Pantagruel's Pedigree from the Giants : It has been observed by a Learned Man some Years ago , that the word Giant , which the Interpreters of the Scripture have set in their Versions , stands there for another that means no more then Prince in the Hebrew ; so perhaps our Author was the more ready to make his Princes Giants ; tho as I have said , his chief design was tacitly to censure in this Iohn d' Albret , and such others as ( like one in Britany , that took for his Motto , Antequam Abraham esset sum ) were too proud of an uncertain empty Name . His description of the Original of Giants , and the story of Hurtali's bestriding the Ark , is to mock those in the Thalmud and other Legends of the Rabbins ; for he tells us , that when this happened the Calends were found in the Greek Almanacs , and all know that ad Graecas Calendas , is as much as to say , Never ; for the Greeks never reckoned by Calends . Yet , what he tells us of the Earth's Fertility in Medlars , after it had been embrued with the Blood of the Just , may be Allegorical : And those who , by feeding on that fair large delicious Fruit , became Monstrous , may be the converts of that Age , who by the Popish World were looked upon as Monsters . The Blood of Martyrs , which was profusedly spilt in that Age , has always been thought Prolific even to a Proverb , and the word Mesles in French and Medlars in English , equally import Medling ; thus in French , Il se Mesle de nos affaires , he medles with our Business ; so the Medlars may be those who busied themselves most about the Reformation .

The Great Drought at the Birth of Pantagruel , is that almost universal cry of the Layty , for the Restitution of the Cup in the Sacrament , at the time that Anthony de Bourbon Duke of Vandosme , was married to the Heiress of Navarre , which was in Octob. 1548 , the Council of Trent then sitting . For , thence we must date his Birth , since by that match he afterwards gain'd the Title of King , besides Bearn , Bigorre , Albret , and several other Territories ; and we are told , Book 3. Chap. 48. that Pantagruel at the very first Minute of his Birth , was no less tall than the Herb Pantagruelion ( which unquestionably is Hemp ) and a little before that , 't is said that its height is commonly of five or six foot . The Death of Queen Margarite his Mother in Law , that soon follow'd , made our Author say , that when Pantagruel was born , Gargantua was much perplexed , seeing his Wife Dead , at which he made many Lamentations . Perhaps this also alludes to the Birth of King Edward the Sixth , which caus'd the Death of his Mother , Queen Iane Seymour . King Henry the Eighth is said to have comforted himself , with saying that he could get another Wife , but was not sure to get another Son : Thus , here we find Gargantua much griev'd , and joyful by fits , like Talboy in the Play , but at last comforting himself with the thoughts of his Wife's Happiness , and his own , in having a Son , and saying that he must now cast about how to get another Wife , and will stay at home and rock his Son .

In the sixth Chapter , we find Pantagruel discoursing with a Limosin , who affected to speak in learned Phrase . Rabelais had in the foregoing Chapter , satiris'd many Persons , and given a hint of some abuses in the Universities of France ; in this he mocks some of the Writers of that Age , who to appear learned , wholly fill'd their Works with Latin Words , to which they gave a French Inflection . But this Pedantic Iargon was more particularly affected by one Helisaine of Limoges , who as Boileau , says of Ronsard , en Francois parlant , Greek et Latin ( speaking Greek and Latin in French ) thought to have refin'd his Mother Tongue : So Rabelais , to prevent the spreading of that Contagion , has not only brought that Limousin Author on his Pantagruelian Stage , but wrote a Letter in Verse , all in that Style , in the name of the Limousin Scholar , printed at the end of the Pantagruelian Prognostication . Pasquier , who liv'd at that time , has made the like Observation on that Chapter , when in his second Book of Letters , p. 53. he says , — pour l'ornement de nostre langue , et nous aider mesmes du Grec et du Latin , non pour les escorcher ineptement comme fit sur nostre jeune age , Helisaine , dont nostre gentil Rabelais s'est mocqué fort a propos en la personne de l'escolier Limosin qu'il introduct parlan● a Pantagruel en un language escorche Latin .

The 7th . Chapter wherein he gives a Catalogue of the Books in St. Victor's Library is admirable , and would require a large Comment , it being a Satyr against many Writers and great Affairs in that Age , as well as against those who either make Collections of bad Books , or seek no others in Libraries ; but I have not leasure to read over a great number of Books , that ought to be consulted for such a Task .

The Cause which was pleaded before Pantagruel by the Lords Suck-fizle and Kiss-Breech , Book 2. Chap. 10 , 11 , 13 , 14. seems to be a Mock of the famous Tryal , concerning two Dutchies , four Counties , two Vi-counties , and many Baronies and Lordships , to which Loyse de Savoye , the Mother of Francis the first , laid Claim Charles de Bourbon Constable of France , was possest of them , but because he had refus'd to marry her , she made use of some Titles , which she had to them , to perplex him , and though she could not even with the King her Son's Favour , cast the Constable , yet they were sequestred into the King's Hands , and the final determination put off . Pasquier in his Recherches , observes , that when Guillaume Poyet , afterwards Chancellor , and Francois de Monthelon , afterwards Lord-Keeper , then the two most famous Councellors of the Age , pleaded the Cause ; the first for Plantiff , the other for Defendant : They armed themselves with a pedantic Iuris prudence borrowed from a parcel of Italian School Boys , whom some call Doctors at Laws , true Hatchers of Law Suits ; ( such was the Rhetoric of that Time ) and as it is easie to stray in a thick Wood , so , with a confused heap of various Quotations , instead of explaining the Cause , they perplexed it , and filled it with darkness . Upon this , by the united Voice of the People , the Name of the Plantiff was owned to contain the Truth of the Case ; that is , Loyse de Savoye ▪ Loy se desavoye , The Law goes astray ; which is perhaps the happiest Anagram tha● e●er was , for 't is made without changing the Order of the Letters , and only by dividing the Words otherwise than they are in the Name .

The 18 , 19 and 20th Chapters treat of a great Scholar of England , who came to argue by Signs with Pantagruel , and was overcome by Panurge . I do not well know on whom to fix the Character of Thaumast that Scholar , whose Name may not only signifie an Admirer , an admirable Person , or one of those School-men , who follow the Doctrin of Thomas Aquinas , in opposition to that of Scotus : And I find as little Reason to think , that any would have come to confer with Anthony de Bourbon , of Geomancy , Philosophy and the Cabalistic Art . Indeed , Sir Thomas Moore , went Ambassador to Francis the First , and Erasmus , who lived some time in England , also came to Paris ; but I cannot think , that either may pass for the Thaumast of Rabelais . Perhaps he hath made him an English Man , merely on purpose to disguise the Story ; and I would have had some thoughts of Henricus Cornelius Agrippa , who came to France and died there ; but I will prove , when I examin the Third Book , that he has brought him on the Stage by the Name of Her-trippa . So 't is not impossible but that he may have meant Hieronimus Cardan of Milan , who flourish'd in that Age , and was another dark Cabalistic Author . The first has said , Occult. Philos. l. 1. c. 6. That he knew how to communicate his Thoughts by the species of Sight in a magical Way , as Pythagoras was said to do , by writing any thing in the Body of the Moon , so as it should be legible to another at a vast distance ; and he pretends to tell us the method of it in his Book , De vanitate Scientiarum . Cardan also has writ concerning private Ways of imparting our Thoughts , Sub●ilit . l. 17. and De Variet . Rerum , lib. 12. but these ways of signifying our Thoughts by Gestures , called by the Learned Bishop Wilkins Semaeology , are almost of infinite Variety , according as the several Fancies of Men shall impose Significations upon such Signs as are capable of sufficient difference . And the Venerable Bede has made a Book only of that , commonly stiled Arthrologia , or Dactylologia ; which he calls , Lib. de loquelâ per gestum digitorum , sive de indigitatione : So that perhaps our Author made his Thaumast an English Man , not to reflect on Beda , but because that Learned Father is the most Ancient and Famous Author that has written a Book on that Subject .

I have Read of a public Debate much like that of Thaumast and Panurge , and as probable , said to have been held at Geneva . The Agressor lifted up his Arm and closed three of his Fingers and his Thumb , and pointed with the remaining Finger at his Opponent ; who immediately pointed at him again with two . Then the other shewed him two Fingers and one Thumb ; whereupon his Antagonist shook his closed Fist at him . Upon this the Aggressor showed him an Apple ; and the other looking into his Pocket found a bit of Bread , and in a scornful way let him see it ; which made him that began the Dispute yield himself vanquished . Now when the Conqueror was desired to relate what their Signs signified ; He with whom I disputed , said he , threatned first to put out one of my Eyes , and I gave him to understand , that I would put out both his : Then he threatned to tear both mine , and take off my Nose ; upon which I shewed him my Fist , to let him know , that I would knock him down : And as he perceived that I was angry , he offered me an Apple to pacifie me as they do Children ; but I showed him , that I scorn'd his Present , and that I had Bread , which was fitter for a Man .

After all , Montluc , who is our Panurge , may have had some Dispute about the Signs of the true Religion , or the two Sacraments of the Protestants , and the seven of the Romans , they being properly called Signs , and such a thing not being recorded by Historians , like many others that relate to this Work , it may not be possible to discover it .

The Dipsodes that had besieged the City of the Amaurots , Book 2. Chap. 23. are the Flemings and other Subjects of the Emperor Charles the Fifth , that made Inroads into Picardy , and the adjacent Territories , of which Anthony of Bourbon was not only Governor , but had considerable Lordships in those Parts . The Flemings have always been brisk Topers ; and for this Reason are call'd Dipsodes , from 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 Sitio , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 Thirsty ; and he calls Picardy and Artois the Land of the Amaurots , from the word 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 obscurus or evanidus ; perhaps because they are in the North of France ; or that part of them were in the hands of the Enemy . Terouenne may well be called now 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , as that word is taken for being vanish'd and obliterated : For , Charles the Fifth utterly destroyed it . Sandoval tells us , That the Spaniards took it by Escalada , that is , having scaled the Walls , and that they flew over them like the swiftest and most tow'ring Birds ; yet as he says , that they went up with Ladders , this must be reckon'd a very odd way of flying .

In 1543 , which was some Years before that fine City was ruin'd , Mem. de Guil. du Bellay . Anthony de Bourbon Duke of Vendosme hearing that it was ill stored with Provisions , assembled his Army , and with Francis of Lorrain Duke of Aumale , the Duke of Guise's Eldest Son , the Duke de Nevers , Marshal du Biez and several other Lords , marched to its Relief with good Success ; having in spight of the Enemy supplied the Place with all manner of Necessaries .

In the mean time , several of the Lords and other Officers in his Camp used to Skirmish ; and once particularly having long tried to draw the Flemings out , these at last engaged them ; they were much more Numerous , yet the French got the Better , and cut off a great Number of their Enemies : This perhaps may be the Victory which the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel obtain'd over Six hundred and threescore Horsemen , Chap. 25. And a Trophy was raised , Chap. 27. for a Memorial of those Gentlemens Victory .

The next Exploit is that in the 29th . Chapter , where we find how Pantagruel discomfited the Three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone , and Loupgarou their Captain . The Death of Loupgarou in the presence of his Giants , may relate to the taking of Liliers , a Town between Bapaume and Aire : It molested very much the Country that belonged to the French , and was seated near a Marsh ; yet notwithstanding the Advantage of the Season , and its resolute Garrison , the Duke of Vendosme having caused a large Breach to be made , and being ready to storm the Place , the Besieged desired to Capitulate , and after many Parlies surrendred the Town on dishonourable Terms .

By Accident the Ammunitions of the Besiegers had taken Fire , and even some of the Carriages of the Artillery were burn'd ; which may perhaps have made our Author say in the foregoing Chapter , that Carpalin having set on Fire the Enemy's Ammunition , the flame having reached the Place where was their Artillery , he was in great danger of being burn'd ; or perhaps , this alludes to the Duke of Vendosme's setting Liliers on fire and destroying it quite , after he had taken it . For our Author writes not like an Historian but like a Poet , who ought not to be blam'd for Anachronisms ; nor have the best Critics censur'd Virgil for that about Dido and Ene●● , between the Time of whose Lives whole Ages are reckoned by Chronologists . However 't is certain , that the Relief of Terouenne , and then the Surrender of Liliers were Anthony de Bourbon's two first Exploits ; the one soon after the other ; then the Three hundred Giants arm'd with Free-stone , which Pantagruel struck down like a Mason , by breaking their stony Armour , mowing them down with the dead Body of Loupgarou , are a great number of Castles about Liliers , Terouenne , Saint Omer , Aire and Bethune , which Anthony of Bourbon demolish'd immediately after he had taken Liliers , and then passed through Terouenne , which is the City of the Amaurots which he went to relieve ; by whose Inhabitants Pantagruel is so nobly received in the 31th . we may also suppose , that by King Anarchus , Rabelais means the plundering lawless Boors that shelter'd themselves in those Castles , who were afterwards reduced to sell Herbs . This is , Anarchus's being reduc'd to cry green Sawce in a Canvas Iacket .

The Duke of Vendosme marched next , without any resistance , through the Upper Artois , took Bapaume in his Way , which is doubtless the Almyrods , called so from 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 Salsuginosus , or salted People , Book 2. Ch. 32. who resolved to hold out against Pantagruel ; yet only to have honourable Conditions . It seems to me , that this is meant of the Castle of that Town which held out against the Duke only for Terms , all the Inhabitants of the Town being retired into that small place , where there was but one Well , whose Water had been altogether Exhausted in two Days ( to which , perhaps , relates the Salt which Pantagruel put into the Mouths of his Enemies ) and they were ready to submit to Mercy , Memoires de Guil. du Bellay . Liv. 10. with Halters at their Necks ; but the King , who had already sent matny Expresses to the Duke , ordering him to march to join him with all speed , and nei●her to Stop at Bapaume or any where else , sent him angrily fresh Orders , wherein he charged him of his Allegiance , to join him that Day at Chasteau in Cambrezis on pain of incurring his Displeasure . So the Duke , to the great Joy of the Besieged and his greater Sorrow , raised his Camp , and came to the King . Neither does our Author speak of the Surrender of the Almyrods ; but makes Pantagruel's Forces be overtaken with a great shower of Rain , and then tells us how Pantagruel covered a whole Army with his Tongue : For they began , says he , to shiver and tremble , to croud , press and thrust close to one another ; which when he saw , he bid his Captains tell them , that it was nothing ; however , that they should put themselves into Order , and he would cover them ; and he drew out his Tongue only half way , and covered them all . I find that the Duke , before he took Liliers and besieged the Castle of Bapaume , sent to the King to desire him to send a Months Pay to his Forces , and then he could take some Frontier Towns , and even Bapaume ; but the King sent him no Money , and , on the contrary , ordered him to march on to meet him ; but before he had that Answer , he had taken Liliers . So his Soldiers , who wanted their Pay and Clothes , being also vex'd for having , by the King's Fault , missed taking the Booty in the Castle of Bapaume , were displeased and in bad Circumstances ; but upon this the Duke spoke to the King , and got them their Arrears and Clothes : And this is what Rabelais calls covering an Army with his Tongue . As for what follows , it seems an imitation of Lucian's Whale in his true History , as the News which Epistemon brings from Hell in the 30th Chapter is also a Copy of that Author ; and what ours says he saw in Pantagruel's Mouth , is only to blind the rest ; which seems to me so plain , like most of the Discoveries I here publish , that I wonder that none ever gave an Account of any of them in the space of above One hundred and Forty Years .

The Sickness of Pantagruel Chapter 33. is his disgust upon this disappointment at Bapaume ; or some real sickness that seiz'd him .

There the Author concludes his second Book , that was published sometime after the First , which we may perceive by what he tells us of the Monks , and their bigotted Cullies , who had already try'd to find something in it that might render him obnoxious to the Law ; which caused him to be somewhat more reserved in matters of Religion in that and the following , than he was afterwards in the fourth and fifth . Yet we find a Prayer in the twenty ninth Chapter which shews that his Pantagruel , Anthony de Bourbon , was for the Protestant Religion , but did not openly profess it . Accordingly , Historians grant that he was a Calvinist , even long before Rabelais dyed : And tho for his Interest ( as he thought , ) he afterwards sided with the French-Court against the Protestant Party , yet after he had been mortally wounded at the Siege of Roan , Beza Hist. Eccles. he complained of being deceived ; and ordered one of his Servants who was a Protestant to bring a Minister to him , but the other not being able to do it in those persecuting Times , he commanded him to pray by him after the manner of the Reformed Church , which the other did to that unfortunate King's satisfaction ; Cardinal de Bourbon his Brother being then present .

Panurge is the chief actor in the third act of our Pantagruelian Play ; we find him there much perplexed with uncertainties ; his mind fluctuating between the desire of entring into a matrimonial Engagement and the fear of having occasion to repent it . To be eased of his doubt , he consults several Persons , all famous for some particular skill in removing Anxieties of mind ; and there our Learned and Ingenious Satyrist displays his knowledge and his fancy to admiration , as has been observed by the Learned Van Dale in the passage which I have given you out of his Book de Oraculis , after the Account of our Author's Life .

But before that , we find Pantagruel in the first Chapter transporting a Colony of Vtopians into Dipsodie ; for which Rabelais gives a very good Reason and proves himself a Master at Politics as well as at other Things . To explain that passage , we must know , that the Duke of Vendosme garrison'd out of Picrady some of the Places that had been taken in Artois , fixing also there some of his Vassals and Tenants , who were very numerous there abouts ; and as he was born among them viz. at La Fere in 1518 ▪ he had a particular love for them .

In the second Chapter Panurge is made Laird of salmygondin in Dipsodie , and wasteth his Revenue before it comes in : I can apply this to nothing but the gift of some Benefice to Montluc by the Duke of Vendosme or the Queen of Navarre , afterwards his Mother in Law ; which Benefice not being sufficient to supply him in his Extravagances , something more considerable was bestowed on him ; which having set him at Ease gave him occasion to reflect on his former ill conduct and grow more thrifty : So that afterwards he entertained some thoughts of Marriage and probably was married , when Rabelais wrote .

Among those whom Panurge consults , the Sybil of Panzoust is the first whose right name is difficult to be discovered . The pretended Key in the French makes her a Court Lady ; but its Author seems never to have read Rabelais , or at least not to have understood him , if we may judge of it by the Names which he , in spight of Reason , has set against some of those in our Author . Among four or five short Explanations of as many Passages in Rabelais , also printed in the French , one of them tells us , that by the Sybil of Panzoust , our Author means a Gentlewoman of that Place , near Chinon , who dy'd very old , and always lived single tho importuned by her Friends to marry when she was young . But Rabelais having in this Book very artfully made his Panurge consult Men of different Professions famous in his Time , to be eased of his doubt , I do not beleive that he would have begun by a Woman altogether unknown to the learned World : Yet not , but that he may have made choice of the Name of Panzoust to double the Character , if he knew that such an Antiquated She-thing , liv'd there . I have indeavoured to discover who might be that Sybill , but dare not positively fix that Character on any . St. Therese , a Spanish Nun , who liv'd in that Age , might come in for a share , she has writ several Books , and was already famous when Rabelais liv'd , she had very odd notions , and discover'd perhaps as much madness as sanctity . I find another noted crack'd-brain Bigotte , who was old at that Time and liv'd at Venice : T is one whom several great Men have mentioned by the name of Virgo Venetas . Guillaume Postel , amongst the rest , a very learned Jesuit and very famous in that Age for Philosophy , calls her Mother Ioane , and had such a veneration for her , that he thought the Reparation of the Female Sex , not yet perfected , and that such a glorious Work was reserved for her ; but Florimond de Raymond excuses him in this , and says , that he only designed to praise her , for the great services which she had done him in his Travels . There is another , for whom I would certainly believe the Sybil's Character made , were I sure that our Author and she were Contemporaries : Her name is Magdelen de la Croix she was a Nun , and had so well gained the reputation of being a Saint , that she was consulted as a Sybil by the greatest Kings and Princes in Europe ; but at last she proved a Sorceress and was burn'd . If I am not mistaken Dr. Henry More has made mention of her ; and I have read her History among several others in a Book called Histoires Tragiques . But as I am forc'd to quote those Books by memory , like many others which I cannot conveniently procure , I must refer the Reader to them for further satisfaction .

In the one and twentieth Chapter Panurge consulteth with Raminagrobis an old French Poet , who was almost upon the very last moment of his Life . This Poet was William Cretin Treasurer of the King's Chappel , who had liv'd under Charles the VIII . Lewis the XII . and Francis the I. as may be seen by his Works . Never was Man more celebrated by the Writers of his Age. Iohn le Maire dedicated to him his three Books of the Illustrations of France , and speaks of him as of the Man to whom he owed all things Geoffroy Toré in his Champ fleury says , that Cretin in his Chronicles of France had out-done Homer and Virgil. And even Maro● inscribed to him his Epigrams . Here are the four first verses of Marot to him .

L' homme Sotart et non Scavant , Comme un Rotisseur qui lave oye , La Faute d' autruy nonce avant Qu'il la cognoisse , ou qui'l la voye : &c.

All their Beauty ( if they can be said to have any ) consists in their Rich or rather punning Rhimes ; and truly that Epigram is unworthy of Marot : T is probable that as Cretin was then old he was respected by the young Fry , who yet outliv'd their Error ; for never did Man sooner lose after his Death , the Fame which he had gained during his Life : And the Reason which caused Marot to write to him in such equivocal Rhimes , was doubtless , because Cretin affected much that way of Writing . Here are four of Cretin's Lines which in his Book are follow'd by 122 more such .

Par ces vins verds Atropos a trop os Des corps humains ruez envers en vers , Dont un quidam aspre aux pots apropos A fort blasmé ses tours pervers par vers . &c.

I never saw more Rhime with so little sence . For this Reason , Rabelais who ( as Pasquier says ) had more Iudgment and Learning than all those that wrote French in his time , has exposed that riming old Man : And to leave us no room to doubt of it , the Rondeau which Raminagrobis gives to Panurge upon his irresolution as to his marriage , Prenez la ne la prenez pas &c. that is , Take , or not take her , off or on , &c. is taken out of Cretin , who had addrest it to Guillaume de Refuge who had ask'd his advice , being in the same perplexity . However Rabelais makes him dye like a good Protestant , and afterwards turns off cunningly what the other had said against the Popish Clergy , who would not let him dye in Peace ; and to shew more plainly that this is said of Cretin , Rabelais says at the beginning of the four and twentieth Chapter Laissans là Villaumere , that is , having left Villaumere , which relates to William , that Poet's name .

I ought not to omit a Remark printed in the last Dutch Edition of this Book concerning what Panurge says of Cretin . He is by the Vertue of an Ox , an arrant Heretic ; a thorough-pac'd rivitted Heretick , I say , a rooted Combustible Heretick , one as fit to burn , as the little wooden Clock at Rochel , his Soul goeth to thirty thousand Cart-full of Devils . Rabelais there reflects on the Sentence of Death passed on one of the First that owned himself a Protestant at Rochell . He was a Watch-maker , and had made a Clock all of Wood , which was esteemed an admirable Piece ; but because it was the Work of one condemn'd for Heresy , the Judges order'd by the said sentence that the Clock should be burned by the common hangman , and it was burned accordingly ; we must also observe that the adjective Clavelé that is , full of Nails or Rivitted , is brought in because that Watch-maker who was very famous for his Zeal , was named Clavelé .

In the 24th . Chapter Panurge consults Epistemon , who perhaps may be Guillaume Ruffy , Bishop of Oleron , one of Queen Margarite's Ministers , who had been sometime in Prison for preaching the Reformation , and was afterwards made Bishop in the King of Navarre's Territories , having without doubt dissembled like many others . Thus his descent into Hell , in the second Book , may be his Prison : I own , that he is with Pantagruel in the Wars , but so is Panurge , and this is done to disguise the Characters ; I am the more apt to believe him a Clergy Man , because he understands Hebrew very well , which few among the Layty do , and none else , in our Author , besides Panurge , who calls him his dear Gossip ; then his Name denotes him to be a thinking , considering Man , and as he was Pantagruel's Pedagogue , so probably Ruffy initiated or instructed the Duke , in the Doctrine of the new Preachers .

Enguerrant , whom Rabelais taxes with making a tedious and impertinent Digression about a Spaniard , is Enguerrant de Monstrelet , who wrote La Chronique & Annales de France .

In the same Chapter he speaks of the four Ogygian Islands near the Haven of Sammalo ; by this he seems to mean Iersey , Gernsey , Sark , and Alderney . As Queen Margaret liv'd a while , and dy'd in Britanny , our Actors may be thought sometimes to stroul thither . Calypso was said to live at the Island Ogygia ; Lucian amongst the rest places her there , and Plutarch mentions it in the Book of the Face that appears in the Circle of the Moon .

Her-Trippa , is undoubtedly Henricus Cornelius Agrippa burlesqued . Her is Henricus or Herricus , or perhaps alludes to Heer , because he was a German , and Agrippa is turn'd into Trippa , to play upon the word Tripe . But for a farther Proof , we need but look into Agrippa's Book , de Occult. Philosoph . Lib. 1. Cap. 7. de quatuor elementorum , Divinationibus , and we shall find the very words us'd by Rabelais of Pyromancy , Aeromancy , Hydromancy , &c. Besides , Agrippa came to Francis the First , whom our Author calls the great King to distinguish him from that of Navarre .

Fryar Iohn des Entosmures , or , of the Funnels , as he is called in this Translation , advises Panurge to marry , and whether by that brave Monk we understand Cardinal Chastillon or Martin Luther , the Character is kept , since both were Married ; neither was the latter wholly free from Fryar Iohn's swearing Faculty , if it be true that being once reproved about it , he replyed , condonate mihi hoc qui fui monachus . Entomeures has doubtless been mistaken for Entonnoir , a Funnel , but the true Etymology , is from 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 to cut and make incisions , which was our Monk's delight , who is described as a mighty Trencher-man .

In the following Chapters , a Theologian Physitian , Lawyer and Philosopher are consulted .

Hippothadeus , the Theologian , may perhaps be Philip Shwartzerd , alias Melancthon ; for he speaks too much like a Protestant to be the King's Confessor , neither could Montluc be supposed to desire his Advice .

Rondibilis the Physitian is doubtless Gulielmus Rondeletius . Thuanus remarks , in the thirty eighth Book of his History , that Will . Rondelet of Montpellier , died 1566 , and that though he was a learned Physitian , Rabelais had satiris'd him ; he adds , that indeed the Works of Rondelet , do not answer the Expectation , which the World had of him , nor the Reputation which he had gain'd ; and his Treatise of Fishes , which is the best that bears his Name , was chiefly the Work of Will . Pelissier , Bishop of Montpelier , who was cast into Prison for being a Protestant . However , Rabelais makes him display much Learning in his Discourse to Panurge .

I am not so certain of the Man whom Trouillogan personates , he calls him an Ephectic and Pyrrhonian Philosopher . I find that Petrus Ramus , or De la Ramée , afterwards Massacred at Paris , had written a Book against Aristotle , and we have also his Logic ; but as he is mentioned by Iupiter in the Prologue to the fourth Book , by the name of Rameau , where his dispute with Petrus Galandius , and his being nam'd Peter are also mentioned , I am in doubt about it . Moliere has imitated the Scene between Trouillogan and Panurge , in one of his Plays , and Mr. Dela Fontaine , the story of Hans Carvell , and that of the Devil of Pope-feague-land , in his inimitable Contes and Nouvelles .

There was a Iack-pudding in France in that Age , call'd Triboulet , but I believe that the Fool , whom our Author describes in the 38. Chapter , is one more considerable , though less famous . I cannot guess why he has heap'd up so many Adjectives on that Fool , unless it be to show the excess of his Folly , and to mock some of the Authors of that Age , who often bestow'd a large train of such unnecessary Attendants , on a single Noun Substantive .

Marotte is a word very much us'd by the French , signifying a Fools Bauble or Club , and the word ●ou , given by Rabelais to Triboulet implys a mad , crack'd-brain'd , or inconsiderate Man , and also a Jester ; the word Idiot , being more us'd in French , for what we properly call a Fool : Now Clement Marot , the best Poet in the Reign of Francis the First , whose Valet-de Chambre he was Styled , was a notable Iester , and is said to have played many merry Tricks that relished somewhat of Extravagance : Besides , many among the Vulgar , mistaking the Enthusiasm of Poets for Madness , have but a small Opinion of the Wisdom of most of them . But these Considerations do not seem to me strong enough to make me believe that Rabelais would have passed so severe a Censure on that Poet , who was then but lately dead , an Exile for his Religion , and had made honourable mention of him in his Works , they being undoubtedly intimate Friends .

Judge Bridlegoose , who decided Causes by the Chance of Dice ; and was Arraigned for Prevarication at the Bar of the Parliament of Mirelingois , resembles much a Judge of Montmartre , who they say could neither Write nor Read , yet had been a Judge many Years , and being once called into Question in a superior Court , owned his Ignorance as to the Point of Writing and Reading , but affirmed that he knew the Law ; and desiring that the Cause of which an Appeal had been made from his Jurisdiction might be examined , he was found to have done Justice , and his Sentence and Authority were confirmed . Rabelais takes Notice of such a Story , as is that of his Bridlegoose , vulgarly reported of the Provost of Montlehery : But though he may allude to it , and to that of the Bayliff of Montmartre , which perhaps may be the same , I believe that his Bridlegoose is a Man of greater Consequence . Considering the strong Intercession made for him by Pantagruel , and the others whom he shows on his Stage , he may be Guillaume Poyet , who by the favour of Loyse de Savoye , the King's Mother , his Client , had been made Lord Chancellor of France , and in 1545 , being convinced of several Abuses and Prevarications , was deprived of his Office .

I have said before , that the Herb Pantagruelion is Hemp ; Rabelais makes Pantagruel load a great quantity of it on Board his Ships , and indeed it is one of the most useful things in the World , not only at Sea , but also at Land . The curious and pleasing Description of that Plant , makes up the rest of this Third Book .

HAD not the following Translation of the three first Books of Rabelais been ready to be publish'd , before I was desired to give an Account of them and of his Life , I might have printed my Observations at the End of each Chapter , and have given a more exact Commentary . However I hope that I have said enough to shew , that what appears trivial and foolish in that Work , is generally Grave and of Moment , when seriously examin'd . Yet as I dare not offer my Conjectures as certainties , principally on a Book which has been so universally read and admired , and never till now attempted to be explained , I humbly submit all I have said to the Judgment of the Learned ; to whom I will esteem my self much obliged , if they will be pleased either to let me know wherein I have erred , or communicate to me their Remarks on this Work , which may be printed with the two remaining Books , with their Names , if they please , and a thankful Acknowledgment of the Favour .

Having first done my Endeavour to satisfie the Reader concerning the Meaning of that mysterious History , I hope to be now the more patiently suffered to give some Account of the Nature of the Fable , the Style and the Design of it .

MANKIND is naturally addicted to the Love of Fables . Long before Learning had been brought into Greece and Italy , the Egyptians , Persians , Arabians and other Eastern Nations , to Enhance the value of Truths , which they did not think fit to be prostituted to the Vulgar , hid them under the Veils of Allegories and Apologues ; Quia sciunt inimicam esse naturae apertam nudamque expositionem sui ; quae , sicut vulgaribus hominum sensibus intellectum sui vario rerum tegmine operimentoque substraxit , ita à prudentibus ar cana sua voluit per fabulosa tractari . Macrob. In somn . Scip. Lib. 1. they also used sometimes to lay aside the Study and Speculation of high mysteries to divert themselves with framing Stories which had nothing of Truth in them , and no other design than most of our Romances . Also in the Decay of Learning , which followed that of the Roman Empire for want of true History and solid Knowledg , Men fed their Minds with gross Fictions , such as are the Legends of Monks , and the old sorts of Romances . Thus two opposite ways , barren Ignorance and Luxuriant Learning leading Men often the same End , that is the study of Fables , their Number is as great as their Original is Ancient .

Herodotus says , That the Greeks had from Aegypt their Mythologic Theology . Homer brought from thence that Inclination to Fables , which made him invent many things about the Original and Employments of his Gods ; and Pythagoras and Plato learned also there to disguise their Philosophy .

Thus our Author calls his Writings Pythagorical Symbols in the Prologue to his first Book ; and not without Reason , since as I have made it appear , the chief part of them is mysteriously writ . But what those Ancient Philosophers did thro a Reverence of Nature , ours did thro Necessity ; being forc'd to keep such a Medium as that he might be understood by all Readers in most parts of his Book , yet by few Persons in others , and might secure himself from the attacks of his Enemies by the Ambiguity of his Sence .

Lucian tells us , that Fables were so much in vogue in Assyria and Arabia that there were persons whose only Profession i● was to explain them to the People ; and Erpenius assures that all the World together never produc'd so many Poets as the Latter . As for Persia , Strabo says that Teachers there us'd to give to their Disciples Precepts of Morality wrapt up in Fictions . The Gymnosophists of India are said , by Diogenes Lae●tius , to have delivered their Philosophy in Enigmas . So that the learned Huetius thinks , that when Horace said , Fabulosus Hydaspes , 't was chiefly because its Spring is in Persia , and its Mouth in India , Countries through which it flows , whose Inhabitants were Lovers of Fables : And indeed it was from the Persians , as that Prelate observes , that those of Miletum in Ionia learned first to frame those amorous Fictions which were afterwards famous through Greece and Italy , by the name of Milesian Fables , which with Millions more of such insignificant voluminous Lyes are lost and forgotten , as well as their Authors ; the name of the best of whom call'd ●ristides , hardly survives his Writings . He liv'd doubtless before Marius and Syllas's Wars ; for Sisenna , a Roman Historian , had Latiniz'd his Fables , which were very obscene , yet long the delight of the Romans . Photius in his Bibliotheque , has given an extract of a fabulous Story composed by Antonius Diogenes , whom he thinks to have liv'd sometime after Alexander : It treats in Prose of the Loves of Dinias and Dercyllis , in imitation of Homer's Odysseis , and relates many incredible Adventures ; its Author also makes mention of one Antiphanes who before had written in that Nature , and who perhaps , may be a Comic Poet , whom the Geographer Stephanus says to have writ some such Relations .

These are thought to have been the modells of what Lucius , Lucian , Iamblichus , Achilles , Tatius and Damascius have written in that kind , not to speak of Heliodorus , Bishop of Tricca , who under Arcadius and Honorius , wrote the Adventures of Theagenes and Chariclea , some passages of which have been copied by Guarini , and the Author of Astrea .

Our Britains about that time have not been behind hand with other Nations in writing such Books . Theleisin , whom Some place among the Bards , because he made some Propheci●s in Verse , liv'd about the middle of the sixth Century , and as well as Melkin wrote fabulous Histories in Welsh , of Britain , King Arthur , Merlin , and the Knights of the round Table . Those of Ieoffrey of Monmouth , have not much more the appearance of Truth ; and as much may be said of what Gildas a Welsh Monk writ of King Arthur , Perceval and Lancelot .

The French sometime after , had also their famous Romance of the Heroic Deeds of Charles the Great , and his Paladins , Huet Orig. des Romans . said to be the Work of Turpin , Archbishop of Rheims ; but it was written above two Hundred Years after him , and was followed by many more as false , which yet pleased the people of those times , more simple and ignorant yet than those who wrote them . Then none endeavouring to get good Memoirs to write true History , and Men finding matter more easily in their Fancy ; Historians degenerated into Romancers , and the Latin Tongue fell into as much contempt as Truth had done before . Then the Troubadours , Comics and Contours of Provence , Iean de Nostredame . Viedes Poetes Proven●aux . who were the writers that practis'd what is still call'd in the Southern parts of France , Le guay Saber , or the Gay Science , spread all over that Kingdom their Stories and new sort of Poetry , of all kinds , composed in the Roman Language , which was a mixtu●e of the Gallic . Tentonick , and Latin Tongues , in which the 〈◊〉 was superior , so that to distinguish it from that usually spoken through the other parts of the Gauls , it kept the name of Roman .

The Germans , as Tacitus relates , us'd to sing the Heroic Deeds of Hercules , when they went to fight . The ancient Inhabitants of Denmark , Sweeden and Norway , had fabulous Stories which they engrav'd in old Runic Characters upon large Stones , of which some are still to be seen . The most usual diversion at their Feasts was to sing in rhiming Verse the brave Deeds of their ancient Giants . These Stories us'd to draw Tears from the Eyes of the Company , and after that , being well warm'd with good Cheer , to their Tears succeeded Crys and Howlings , till all at last fell in confusion under the Table . The Kings and Princes of Denmark , Norway , and the neighbouring Countries had always their Scaldri , thus were call'd their Poets , who us'd extempore to make Verses in Rhime , embellish'd with Fictions and Allegories , Appendix de Literaturâ Runicâ . upon all Memorable Events , and those were immediately learn'd , and sung by the People : Even some of the Kings and Queens of those Countries were Scaldri : As Olaus Wormius tells us .

The Indians , Iapanese and Chinese have an infinite Number of Poets and Fables , and the latter esteem almost Rustic any other way than that of Apologues in their Conversation .

Even the Turks , to fit themselves for Love or War , have not only the Persian Romances , but Fables of their own devising , and will tell you that Roland was a Turk , whose Sword they still preserve at Bursa with Veneration , relating the particulars of his Life , and the great things he did in the Levant .

The Americans are great Lovers of Fables , and near Canada the most wild among them , after their Feasts , generally desire the oldest or the greatest Wit of the Company to invent and relate to them some strange Story . Beavers , Foxes , Racoons , and other Animals generally come in for a share in the Fiction , and the hearers are very attentive to their Adventures , the Relation of which they never interrupt but by their Applause , and thus Days and Nights are past with equal satisfaction to the Speaker and the Hearers . The People of Florida , Cumana and Perou excite themselves to work , and to martial exploits by Songs and fabulous Narrations of the great Atchievements of their Predecessors . Whatever they relate of their Origin is full of Fictions ; but in this those of Perou far out-lye the rest , and have their Poets to whom they give a Name that answers to that of Inventors . Also those of Madagascar have Men who stroul from House to House to recite their Composures ; and those of Guinea have their tellers of Fables , like those of the Northern Parts of America .

Thus , as observes Huetius , from whom I have borrowed part of these Historical Observations on Fables , no Nation can well attribute to it self the Original of them . Since all equally have been addicted to invent some in the most ancient Times ; there is only this Difference , that what was the Fruit of the Ignorance of some Nations , even in Europe , has been that of the Politeness of the Persians , the Ionians and the Greeks .

When Rabelais lived all the foolish Romances that had been made in the barbarous Ages that preceded his were very much read ; therefore , as he had a design to give a very great latitude to his Satyr , he thought he could not do better than to give it the form of those lying Stories , the better to secure himself from Danger , and at once show their Absurdities ; also to cause his Book to be ▪ the more read , having perceived that nothing pleased the People better than such Writings ; the Wise and Learned being delighted by the Morality under the Allegories , and the rest by their odness . This was a good Design , and it proved as Effectual to make those who had any sence throw away those gross Fables stuffed with wretched Tales of Giants , Magicians and Adventurous Knights , as Miguel de Cervantes's Don Quixot proved in his Country to root out Knight-Errantry .

Thu● Lucian before him , in his Story of the Ass , enlarged afterwards by the Philosopher Apuleius , had ridicul'd Lucius of Patras , and , to make it the more obvious , called that Fable by the name of that Mythologist , who had writ a Book of strange Metamorphoses , which he foolishly believed to be true . Rabelais seems also to have imitated Lucian's true History , called so by its Author , by Antiphrasis ; though some have thought that he had joyned it to the Treatise in which he gives Precepts to write History well , as an Example of his Rules : But he declares at the beginning of that incredible History , That his only design was to expose many Poets , Historians and Philosophers , who , with inpunity , related false Things as Truth , and used , upon unfaithful Relations , to treat of foreign Countries , as Ctesias and Iambulus had done .

But our History is not altogether an Imitation of that of Lucian , though it participates of its Nature . 'T is Dramatic also , as that Greek Author says of some of his Works ; a mixture of Dialogue and Comedy ; of serious Matter and of the Ridicule ; of Plays of all sorts , whether Trabeatae , Pretextatae , Palliatae , Togatae , Attellanae , Tabernariae , &c. 'T is the Satyrica of the Greeks ; the Archaea , the Media and the Nova Comoedia : For sometimes great things are treated by our Author in a manner equal to their Grandeur ; at others they are brought down to the Level of the Planipedia : Now and then little more than Mirth is meant : Often also particular Persons are reflected on by Name ; at others they appear mask'd and disguised ; and frequently , as in the new Comedy of the Greeks , the Characters are general . 'T is likewise Hilarotragoedia ; that sort of Dramatic Composures which Rhinthon of of Taras , Suidas , in 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . about the Reign of the first Ptolomy , is said to have invented ; which doubtless got him that Name of 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 given him by Stephanus Bysantius , which some render Iocator , but is thought by Hesychius to signifie Scurra . This Rhinthon's Fables , Ad Prolog . Adelph . of which Donatus makes mention in his Notes on Terence , and which Suidas says were Thirty eight in Number , still in being when Spephanus writ , were imitated at Rome : And as that Geographer says , that Rhinthon turn'd Tragic Things into Ridicule , an Italian Critic thinks that the Hilarotragoedia was only una tragedia contrafatta è di grave ridotta al piacevole ; Ragion . dello Academ . Aldean . è di tragedia , per dir cosi , fatta Comedia ; that is , a Tragedy turn'd into a Comedy or a Farce . Preface sur les Caesars de Iuli - But the Learned Spanheim more properly thinks that Rhinthon had joined the comic Mirth of the Greek ▪ Satyric Plays and Interludes to the gravity of Tragedy which may by that have got the name of Mixta .

Our Rabelais's Work is also a Satyr of the kind of those which from Menippus were call'd Menippaean by his imitator Varro , the most learned among the Romans ; having given that Name to that which he made , because , like that Cynic Philosopher , in it he had treated of grave Matters in a merry joking Style . That Satyr , Et tamen in illis veteribus nostris , quae Menippum imitati , non interpretati , quadam hilaritate conspersimus , multa admista ex intimâ philosophiâ , multa dialecticè dicta . Academ . Quaest. L. 1. or as Tully calls it , that Poema varium et elegans was at once a mixture of Prose and several sorts of Verse ; of Greek and of Latin ; of Philology and of Philosophy . That Orator makes him give some account of its design and variety ; and without Doubt that Work was far more esteemable than the Examples which he follow'd ; if , as Diogenes Laertius says , those of Menippus were made merely to excite Men to Laugh , consisting chiefly of Parodiae , or Verses out of famous Authors , and generally Homer , Euripides and such others inverted , and tagg'd together sometimes like the Cento of Ausonius , and often in the Nature of our Mock Songs . Yet since Strabo says that by them he got the Name of 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 or Ioco-serius , Lib. 16. we may believe that there was a morality in them ; but that , as in our Rabelais , not being obvious , some thought them trifling ; like many in our Age who find it much easier to Judge and find fault than to understand .

I could wish that among the other sorts of Writing which , in something , have been imitated by our Author , I might not reckon Petronius Arbiter ; Yet I only say this as to his immodesty ; for , otherwise , as that Consul under some Amorous Fictions has concealed a close and Ingenious Satyr on the vices that reign'd in Nero's Court , and was as nice and good a Judge of polite Learning as of dissolute Pleasures , without doubt he is to be follow'd and admir'd : And indeed his Fable was esteem'd to be like the Greek Satyric Poems which Plato says consisted of Fictions whose hidden sence differ'd very much from the superficial signification of the Words ; since Macrobius , while he distinguishes Fables , made barely to please from those that at once divert and instruct , has placed that of Petronius among the latter .

Our Author 's Works are also an Imitation of Democritus and of Socrates , if we may compare Writings with Actions ; for those two Philosophers used to be still merry , and freely ridicul'd what ever was a fit Subject of Rallery : For this reason Quintilian says of the latter , Etiam vita unversa Ironiam habere videtur , qualis est vita Socratis ; and that great Philosopher , who had deserved the Name of the Wisest of Men , was called Scurra by Zeno , as Tully renders it : Yet Plato and Xenophon his Scholars have not only transmitted to us some of his admirable expressions but also imitated them ; De Dictione Ludicra . and we may apply to Rabelais what Vavassor said of that wise Man ; Constans ac perpetuus irrisor Mortalium .

In this , his Work somewhat differs from the greatest part of the Satires of the Roman● ; for he seldom leaves his Ridiculing for their angry Railing . Their chief Design is less to rally than excite either Indignation or Hatred , facit indignatio versum . Which caused an Ancient Grammarian to say , Iuven. Satyr. 1. Satyra dicitur carmen apud Romanos nunc quidem maledicum ; thus calling Satire a railing or slandering Poem : Diomed. Lib. 3. Gram. And Ovid excusing himself for not having writ any , gives it the Epithete of biting .

Non ego mordaci distrinxi carmine quemquam . Nec meus ullius crimina versus habet .

Accordingly the Authors of the Roman Satires generally keep the Character of Censors . Horace has given the gayest Air of them all to his Satires , and in that of Nasidienus , the Description of the fight between Sarmentus and Messius , as also in some others , has affected a comic Style ; he also tells us that Satyr ought to be sometimes treated gayly , and at others sullenly or gravely ; Et sermone opus est modo tristi saepe jocoso . Yet in other places he speaks of the Sharpness of his Satyrs , and owns that they were an ill-natur'd or malicious kind of Writing .

Lib. 2. Sat 1. — tristi laedere versu , Pantolabum scurram , Nomentanumque nepotem .

Then he takes notice of the Complaint of some against him .

— Lividus & mordax videor tibi .

He also observes that 't is not enough to make a hearer laugh .

Ergo non satis est risu diducere rictum , Auditoris .

Sat. 10. Lib. 1.

Far from this , he saith it is a commendable thing to fill a Man with shame , and as he calls it , to bark at him if he deserves it .

Si quis opprobiis dignum latraverit . —

This causes another Satyrist speaking of Lucilius , whose Imitator he was as well as Horace , to say , Ense velut stricto , quoties Lucilius ardens Infremuit , rubet auditor cui frigida mens Criminibus . — Juvenal Sat 1.

The same in another place , reflecting on the deprav'd manners of his Age , crys , Difficile est Satyram non scribere . By which he sufficiently shows what was the Object and Design of those sorts of Poems .

Now Rabelais chiefly pursues his Subject by jesting and exposing , ridiculing and despising what he thinks deserves such an usage ; and 't is but seldom that he makes use of railing , or sullen biting Reproofs . Yet as he has done it in some places , we may well say that his Work hath something of the Roman Satyr .

In short , 't is a mixture , or if I may use the Expression , an Ollio of all the Merry , Serious , Satyrical and diverting ways of Writing , that have hitherto been us'd . But still Mirth is predominant in the Composition , and like a pleasing Tartness , gives the whole such a relish , Mr. Tate , Preface to a Duke and no Duke . that we ever feed on it with an eager Appetite , and can never be cloy'd with it . 'T is Farce , as our Laureat in his late curious Preface , concerning that way of Writing , judiciously observes of some of Ben Iohnson's , but such Farce , as bequeaths that Blessing ( pronounc'd by Horace ) on him that shall attempt the like .

— sudet multum frustraque laboret Ausus idem .

For , as 't is there observ'd , the Business of Farce extends beyond Nature and Probability . But then there are so few improbabilities that will appear pleasant in the Representation , that it will strain the best Invention to find them out , and require the nicest Judgment to manage them when they are conceiv'd . Extravagant and monstruous Fancies are but sick Dreams that rather torment than divert the Mind , but when Extravagancy and Improbability happen to please at all , they do it to purpose , because they strike our Thought with greatest Surprize .

Pasquier , the most judicious Critick that France had in his Time , was very apprehensive of this , and illustrates it with two Examples that concern too much our Author , and the Point in Question , not to be inserted here . 'T is in one of his Letters to the Poet Ronsard . Lettr. de Pasquier Liv. 1. Il n'y a cel●y de nous qui ne scache combien le d●cte Rabelais en folastrant sagement sur son Gargantua et Pantagruel gaigna de grace parmy le peuple . Il se trouua peu apres deux Singes qui se persuaderent d' en pouuoir faire tout autant ; l' un sou●s le nom de Leon l' Adulfy en ses propos rustiques . L'autre sans nom en son Livre des Fanfreluches . Mais autant y profita l'un que l'autre ; s' estant la memoire de ces deux Livres perdue .

That is ; All know to what degree the learned Rabelais gain'd the Esteem of the Nation by his wise Drolling on his Gargantua and Pantagruel ; soon after started up a couple of Apes who conceived that they could do as much ; viz. Leon l' Adulfy in his Propos Rustiques , and the Anonymous Author of Fanfreluches . But as ill did the one succeed as the other ; the Memory of those two Books being lost .

This Work of Rabelais is doubtless an Original by imitating and joyning in one so many others . To imitate it , is not only periculosae plenu● opus aleae , but almost an impossible task ; nor is it easily to be defin'd . We see that it is Historical , Romantic , Allegorical , Comical , Satirical ; But as sometimes all these kinds of Writing are united in one Passage , a● others they appear severally .

I might say that it is partly Dramatic : For there appears in it a great deal of Action : The Dialogues , of which it is full , are as many lively Scenes : Europe is the Stage , and all Mankind is the Subject : The Author with his Witty Drolling Prologues comes in between every act , as the Silen● and the Satyri did in the Greek Satyric Plays . Or , if you had rather have it so , he supplys the place of the Chorus in some of the Old Comedies : The five Books answer exactly the five Acts ; and it might perhaps as easily be made appear by a D' acier that he has manag'd his Drama regularly , as by a Bossu that the Father of Epic Poetry has observed a Just Conduct in his Iliads .

It has the Form of an History , or rather of Romances , which it tacitly ridicules , I mean such of them as those Ages produced which preceded the Restoration of Learning , that chiefly happened when our Author lived ; your Amadis de Gaule , Lancelot du Lac , Tristan , Kyrie Eleison of Montauban , &c. For then Kyrie Eleison and Deuteronomy were taken for the names of Saints ; somewhat like the Epitomizers of Gesner's Bibliotheque , who have ascribed Amadis to one Acuerdo Olvido , not knowing that these two Words , which they found on the Title page of the French version of that Book , were the Translators Spanish Motto , that signifies Remembrance , Oblivion . Our Author seems to have mimick'd those Books , even in their Titles , in their Division into Chapters , and in the odd Accounts of their Contents . I am much mistaken if in many places he has not also affected their Style ; tho in others he displays all the Purity and Elegancy which the French-Tongue , which he has much improved , had at that Time .

As for the mixture of odd , Burlesque , Barbarous , Latin , Greek and obsolete Words which is seen in his Book , 't is justifiable , as it serves to add to the Diversion of the Reader , pleased generally the more , the greater is the Variety , principally in so odd a Work .

About Twenty Years before it was composed , Theophilus Folengi a Monk , born at Mantua of a Noble Family , who is hardly known now otherwise than by the name of Merlinus Coccaius , had put out his Liber Macaronicorum , which is a Poetical Rhapsody made up of Words of different Languages , and treating of pleasant Matters in a Comical Style : The word Macarone in Italian signifies a Jolly Clown , and Macaroni a sort of Cakes made with course Meal , Eggs and Cheese , Eleg. p. 72. as Thomasin observes . He published also another Work which he called Il libro della Gatta in the same Style , and another only Macaronic in part , called Chaos del tri per uno .

A learned Critic has esteemed that sort of Writing to be a third kind of Burlesque . Naudé Iugement des pieces contre Mazarin . Nor was Folengi only followed by his Country-men , as Gaurinus Capella in his Macarone de Rimini against Cabri Ré de Gogue magogue , in 1526 , and Caesar Vrsinus , who calls himself Stopinus in his Capriccia Macaronica 1536 , For the learned William Drummond Author of the History of Scotland , and of some divine Poems , has left us an ingenious Macaronie Poem called Polemo-Middinia , printed at the Theatre at Oxford , 1691.

Rabelais has imitated and improved some fine Passages of that of Coccaius , as well as his Style ; Though Mr. Baillet in his Iugement des Scavans , thinks that it would be an impossible Task to preserve its Beauties in a Translation .

The Italians affect those mixt sorts of Languages in their Burlesque Poetry . They have one sort which they call Pedantesca from the Name of the Persons of whom it most treats and whom it imitates ; Greek , Latin and Italian making up the Composition with an Italian Termination . Some have celebrated the Amours of Grammarians and of others in that Italogrecolatin Tongue ; and I have seen a Book in Prose in that Idiom of Idioms , entituled Hipnerotomachia di Polifilo ; Cioè , combattimento di amore in Sogno ; or , The Fight of Love in a Dream .

Dante is full of Latin and Provenzale , of which he boasts , saying , Namque locutus sum in Lingua trina ; and Petrarch , though more sparing of Latin , has many French and Provensale Words , even whole Lines of the latter , ponendovene anche ▪ de i versi in●eri , says one of his Country Men ; And , besides a great Number of Books of Burlesque Poetry and Prose , which they have in Lingua Bergamesca , Bolognese , Paduana , Venetiana , Bresciana , Veronese , Genouese , Napolitana , Romana , Ciciliana , Sarda , &c , they sometimes have mixed several of those Dialects together .

This mixture of Languages , and of odd and fantastic Terms , has been censured by Vavassor , chiefly , because he pretends that the Ancients never us'd it , though none will deny that they mixt Words and Verses of different kinds that has read of their Satura Lanx , or the 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Diomedes says , Satyra est carmen quod ex variis poematibus constat , and Lucilius whom Pliny says to have first found out Stylum Nasi , the way of speaking us'd in Plays , wrote in a low and vulgar Style , mixt sometimes with Greek . Plautus has Punic words , and Cicero has Greek particularly in his Epistles . But to show that odd words , such as are found in our Author 's Burlesque Writings , have been us'd by the Ancients , we need but consult Diogenes Laertius , and we shall find that Democritus allowed himself as great a Liberty in using odd Expressions , as in laughing at Mankind . For he had so many particular Words , that a Greek Author made a Dictionary of them ; his Biographer relates some of them , and Hesychius , has preserv'd also one or two , which he had probably out of that Dictionary , that has been lost . Vavassor himself , owns that Aristophanes has verba inusitata , composita ex multis verbis & sonantibus , and that in his Plays , Persae , Triballi , Scythae , patriâ & barbarâ voce utuntur , Laco & Thessalus . That Comic Poet has indeed many Words as strange as Rabelais , as 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , from which the Latin have made coaxare ; then 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , which are the various Voices of Birds . Then he has Diminutives , as 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ; and if Rabelais has very long Words , so has Aristophanes , as his 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , and many others , among which , the longest is made up of twenty eight , and begins by 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . &c. Also in the Anthologia , Grammarians are call'd 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , and there is an Epigram by an ancient Poet , all in such Burlesque against Philosophers , which begins thus , O 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , &c.

A great number of long Decomposites are found in Greek Authors , and if the Latins have us'd them less , 't is because their Tongue was not so happy in linking Words together , as Quintilian observes . Yet we have many in Plautus that are downright Burlesque of the the same kind , as Ferritribaces , Servilicolae , Plagipatide , Cluninstaridysarchides , &c.

What shall we think of the Parodiae of which Aristophanes and Lucian are full , and which Iulian has us'd in his Caesars , as many more among the Greeks have done ; those Witticisms being a part of the Salt , which they so much desir'd in all Jocose and Satyrical Composures .

As for the Puns , Clenches , Conundrums , Quibbles , and all such other Dregs or Bastard sorts of Wit , that here and there have crept in among the infinite number of our Auhor's ingenious and just Conceptions , I will not Apologize in their Behalf , otherwise then by showing that Aristophanes and Plautus have strewed them more lavishly through their Works , which are partly of the Nature of this . Nor is it necessary to mention the great Tully , and many more among the Ancients that allowed themselves the Freedom of using them ; many of those dropt in Conversation by that Orator having been thought w●●thy to be made publick . They were doubtless better lik'd in those times , than they are now , and we find them in as great a Number in almost all the Writers , of the last Age , that pretended to Wit ; nor have Rhetoricans refus'd to teach or use the Figure Antanaclasis . So though we may mislike the Pun , we may admire the Author , since these are but so many small Spots which far from darkning him , illustrate the Beauties by which they are plac'd .

None can mislike the great number of various Images which he gives of the same Things , or the long train of verbs , or substantives , which he often sets together ; Indeed in another Work they might be thought redundant . Ambiti●sa ornamenta rescindenda sunt ; But here those Terms , tho they are often Technical , and therefore instructing , are only used to cause Mirth : And they become our Author so well that we seldom read them over without laughing .

Mirth being so desirable a thing , so beneficial to the Body , and to the Mind , and laughing one of the distinguishing Characters of Mankind , our Author may be said not to have advantag'd the World a little in composing this merry Treatise . He justifies himself in his Dedication to Cardinal Chastillon for his Comical Expressions , by representing the ease which many disconlate and sick persons had received by them ; and he say● before his first Book Le R●re est le propre de l' homme ; or , as it has been English'd ; Laugh only , so to show thy self a Man . Even Caesar had writ a whole Book of merry and witty Sayings ; and Balsac a great Enemy to Burlesque has said que ce n'estoit paspeu meriter du genre humain , que de réjouir quelquefois Auguste ; That Mankind was not a little obliged to the Man who sometimes could make Augustus merry . That Emperor , as Macrobius tells us , did not think it below him sometimes to write Lampoons , and made one on Pollio ▪ who , knowing it , said ; at ego taceo , non est enim facile in eum conscribere qui potest pros●ribere .

Horace afte● he has said , that it is not enough to make a Hearer laugh , 〈◊〉 , & est quaedam haec quoque v●●tus .

Nor has 〈…〉 only aim'd at Mirth ; tho he has partly ●●de it subse●vient to his chief Design . He kn●w ●ha● the learned and the ●gnorant , by different motives , delight in Fables , and that the love of Mirth being universal , the only way to cause his sentiments to be most known and followed , was to give them a merry Dress . The Counsel of Trent begun to ●it in 1545 and then our Author begun to write . The Restauration of Learning had made the most knowing among the Clergy , and the Layety desire that Primitive Christianity might also be restor'd . Accordingly I find that when Rabelais was at Rome in 1536 , the Cardinal of Trent , Lettres de Rabelais a l' Evesque de Maillezais . who was a German came thither to press the Pope to a Council , and in our Author's presence said to Cardinal Du Bellay that the Pope refused to grant a Council , but that he would repent it , for the Christian Princes would take away what they had given to the Church . The universal Cry was for the Restitution of the C●p to the Layety , and of Marriage , to the Clergy ; against Indulgences , Pardons &c. This caused Rabelais to put out these Pithagorical Symhols as he calls them : That while some of the great ones privately and the Protestants publickly , were indeavouring a thorough-Reformation , he might insinuate a Contempt of the Church of Rome's Fopperies ch●efly in the Clergy of France , and those that were at the Council of Trent , as also in such of the Layety as had wit enough to find out his meaning . And this is what he means , in the Prologue to his 3. Book , by the comical Account which he gives of Diogenes , who seeing the Inhabitants of Corinth all very busy in their preparations for the War , and himself not invited to help them , roul'd and tossed about his Tub , that he might not be said to be Idle . For , says Rabelais , I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an Idle Spectator of so many valorous eloquent and warlike Persons who in the View and Sight of all Europe , act this Notable Interlude or Tragicomedy . By the word , Eloquent , we may easily Judge that this notable Interlude is the Council then sitting . He knew that in 1534 , Calvin having dedicated his Institution to Francis the I. the Bigots about him cunningly perswaded that King not to read that excellent Work nor its incomparable Preface ; tho he was otherwise not very religious , having made a League with the Turks , and joyned his Fleet to that of Barbarossa , as also charg'd his Children in 1535 on pain of incurring his Curse to revenge his wrongs on Charles the V. whom he used to call Satan's eldest Son . So , Memoires de Castelnau . partly that his Book might not have the same fate , he made it mysterious ; and indeed that King had it read to him inspight of those who told him it was heretical . But he was so imbroyl'd in Wars that perhaps he dar'd not favour the Reform'd , for fear of being served by the Pope like the King of Navarre . However even his Mother Loyse de Savoye , what Divotion soever she shew'd to Popish Fopperies , seems to have had but little Respect for them . For , in her Journal writ with her own hand and kept still in the Chambredes Comptes at Paris are found these words concerning St. Francis de Paule ; Frere Francois de Paule fu●parmoy canonisé ; a tout le , moins jenpayay la Taxe ; that is , Fryar-John de Paule was sainted by me ; at least I paid the Fees For making him a Saint . Yet our Author wrote not so darkly but that the Ingenious of that Age could know his meaning , for the very antidoted Conundrums which are the 2. Chapter , of his first Book , show that he treated of Religion , as he had said in the Prologue before it . The first Stanza may perhaps be only designed to make the rest pass for a Banter ; but the second mentions the Pope and Calvin plainly ; the first , whose Slipper 't is more meritorious to kiss than to gain Pardons ; and the other , from the depth issued were they fish for Roaches , that is , the Lake at Geneva , who said , Sirs , for God's sake let us forbear doing this ; in the French , Qui dit Messieurs pour Dieu nous en gardons . I have not the leasure to examin now the other Stanzaes , though I can explain some of them . But to show that Rabelais was understood when he writ , we need but read the Verses printed in the French before his second Book ; they are by Hugues Salel , a Man of great Wit and Learning , who , as I have said , had translated Homer's Iliads : In them he encourages the Author to write on , and tells him , that under a pleasing Foundation he had so well describ'd useful Matters , that if he was not rewarded here below , he should be rewarded in Heaven .

Gross Superstition proceeds from Ignorance ; so next to the First he exposes the Latter ; but I need not come to particulars : I may say that he has satirised all sorts of Vice , and consequently all sorts of Men ; we find them all promiscuously on his Scene , as in Bay's grand Dance in the Rehearsal , Kings , Cardinals , Ladies , Aldermen , Soldiers , &c.

He saw that Vice was not to be conquer'd in a Declamatory War , and that the angry railing Lectures of some well-meaning Men , were seldom as effectual to make it give Ground , as the gay yet pointed Ralleries of those who seem unconcern'd ; the latter convincing us effectually , while the others with their passionate Invectives perswade ●s of nothing but that they are too angry to direct others .

This gay way of moralizing has also nothing of the dry mortifying method of those Philosophers who , striving to demonstrate their Principles by Causes and a long Series of Arguments , only rack the mind ; but its Art and delicacy is not perceived by every Reader : Consequently many People will not easily find out the inward Beauties of the Works of Rabelais ; But he did not intend that every one should perceive them ; tho every one may be extreamly diverted by the outward and obvious Wit and Humour . We may say of those hidden graces , what a Learned Man says of those in Horace's Satires . Heinsius de Satyra Horatiana . Quae cum animae plebeiae percurrunt , nec venustatem vident , nec necessitatem argumenti intelligunt . Eruditi , praeter incredibilem leporem , ad principium quo nititur recurrunt . The figure Oximorum by which things at first appear foolish , tho they are sharp and witty , is such a Master pice in Rhetoric as can be perceived by none but the Skillfull . Painting has its Grotesque and bold Touches which seem irregular to the Vulgar , only pleased with their odness ; while Masters , thro the antic Features and rough Strokes , discover an exact Proportion , a Softness and a Boldness together , which charm them to an unspeakable degree . So in artful Jests and Ironies , in that lusus animi and judicious extravagance , what seems mean and absurd is most in sight and strikes the Vulgar ; but better Judgments under that course outside discover exquisite Wit , just and sublime Thoughts , vast Learning , and the most profound Reasonings of Philosophy . Our Author's first Prologue has lead me to this Observation , by that which he makes concerning Socrates . Sorbiere , who was a Man not much given to praise the Living , Sorberiana . and much less the Dead , applys this to Rabelais , owning that his Satire is the most learned and universal that ever was writ ; and that it also so powerfully inclines our Minds to Mirth , that almost all those whom he had known , that had been much conversant with it , had gain'd by it's means a Method of thinking agreably on the most profound and melancholic Matters . Thus it teaches us to bear Adversities gallantly , and to make them our diversion rather than attack them directly , and with a Concern which they are not worthy to cause . Ridiculum acri plenius ac melius magnas plerumque secat res , says Horace .

'T is true , that those whose Temper enclines them to a Stoical Severity , will not have the same taste ; and indeed , rallying seldom or never become them ; but those who would benefit themselves by the perusal of Rabelais , need not imitate his Buffoonry , and it is enough if it inwardly move us , and spread there such Seeds of Joy as will produce on all sorts of Subjects an infinite number ▪ of pleasant Reflections . In those places that are most Dangerous , a judicious Reader will curb his Thoughts and Desires , considering that the way is slippery , and thus will easily be safe , with wise Refections , moderating his Affections . 'T is even better to drink some too strong Wines , tempering them with Water , which makes them but the more Pleasant , then to confine our selves to flat and insipid Liquors , which neither affect the Palate , nor cheer us within . The Roman Ladies us'd to view the Wrastlers naked in the Cirque , and one of them discreetly said , that a vertuos Woman was not more scandaliz'd at their Sight , then at that of a Statue , of which great numbers were naked in all Places .

Thus the sight of those Females at Sparta who danc'd naked , being only covered with the publick honesty , made no ill Impression on the Beholders . We may pass over with as much ease , the impurities of our Historian , as we forgive to excellent Painters nudities , which they too faithfully represent ; and we may only admire and fix our Eyes on the other parts of the Piece , Omnia Sana Sanis . The Wise can benefit themselves even by the worst of Books , like those Ducks of Pontus , Lib. 17. Cap. 16. to whom , as Aulus Gellius says , Poysons are ●ather wholsom than hurtful , or those Bees of Pliny , that being gifted by Nature with the Vertue of the Psylli , could usefully feed on the juice and substance of the most venemous Weeds . Lib. 21. Cap. 13. The Learned Iesuit , who , in favour of his Friend Balsac , writ a Treatise against Burlesque , cannot forbear granting as much ; F. Vavassor . de Ludicra Dictione . since he says , Scriptores nostri quovis e genere librorum , etiam non optimorum , aucupantur vtilitatem aliquam , & omnes undique stosculos delibant ; quo fere pacto princeps olim Poetarum legere se gemmas ex Enniano stercore dicebat .

The Age in which our Author wrote , was not so reserv'd in Words as this , and perhaps he has not so much followed his own Genius in making use of gross , or loose expressions as he has endeavoured to accommodate his way of Writing to the Humour of the People , not excepting a part of the Clergy of those Times . Now we ought not to blame those Authors who wrote in former Ages , for differing from us in several Things ; since they follow'd Customs and Manners which were then generally receiv'd , though now they seem to us improper or unjust . To discover all the Beauties in their Works , we must a while lay aside the Thoughts of our Practice , if it contradicts theirs ; otherwise , all Books will be very short-liv'd ; and the best Writers , being disheartned with the Thoughts of the speedy Oblivion or contempt of their Works , will no longer strive to deserve an immortal Fame , which fantastic Posterity would deny them .

Some would altogether forbid the perusal of our Author : Du Verdier , in his Biblioteque , which gives an account of all those that had writ in French , till about the Year 1585 , has inserted a large invective made against Rabelais , by an Author whom I have discovered to be Schoock ; In fab. Hamel . p. 31. These are his Words , Vtinam vel apud illos sit Rabelesus cum suo Pantagruelismo , ut scurrilis hominis scurrili voce abutar . Certè , si quid callet bonae artis , cogatur in eas tandem se exercere alioqui tam impius homo quàm publicè suis nefariis libellis p●stilens , &c. Neque semel deploravi hominis sortem , qui in tantâ literarum luce tam densis sese vi●icrum tenebris immergit . Others , principally of the Papist Clergy , have not been more kind to him , of which he himself , complains in some places of his Book , much like an Author whom he accuses of filching , in his 1st . Prologue . 'T is Angelus Politian , a famous Latin Poet who liv'd a little before him , and was also a Priest and a Prebend ; he was a great admirer of Plautus , whose perusal the Florentine Preachers would not allow in the Universities . So partly on that account , he expresses himself in these Terms . Epist. Lib. 7.

Sed qui nos damnant , histirones sunt maximi , Nam Curios simulant , vivunt Bacchanalia . Hi sunt praecipuè quidam clamosi , leves , Cucullati , lignipedes cincti funibus , Superciliosum , incurvicervicum pecus ; Qui , quod ab aliis & ●abitu & victu dissentiunt , Tristique vultu vendunt sanctimonias , Censuram sibi quandam , & Tyrannidem occupant , Pavidamque plebem territant minaciis .

In which Verses by the way , he has made use of a word , which an ancient Critic , Cum 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 mirati sumus , incurvicervicum vix a risu defendimus . Quintilian . also an admirer of Plautus , mentions as Burlesque . But to show that our Author's way of Writing , is not of the kind of those which ancient Philososophers have condemn'd , we need but consider that there is at least as much boldness and impurity in that very Plautus , and the ancient Greek Comedy . Yet Cicero , whom all must grant to be a great Judge of good Writing and Morality , speaking of the merry o● ridiculing way of writing which was to be condemn'd , opposes to it that of Plautus , the ancient Comedy , and the Books of the Disciples of Socrates . These are his Words , Duplex omnino est jocandi genus : Vnum , ●●berale , petulans , flagitiosum , obscaenum : Alterum , elegans , urbanum , ingeniosum , facetum . Quo genere non modo Plautus noster & Atticorum antiqua comoedia , sed etiam Philosophorum Socraticorum libri referti sunt .

After all , as I could wish that some Expressions , which I will not only call too bold and too free , but even immodest and Prophane ; had not been in this Book , I would not have those Persons to read it , whose Lives are so well regulated , that they would not employ a moment , of which they might not give an account without Blushing ; nor those whose Minds not being ripened by Years and Study , are most susceptible of dangerous Impressions . Doubtless , they may do much better , than to read this Book .

Some therefore will think that either it was not to be Translated , or ought to have been translated otherwise ; and that as , in the most handsom Faces , there is always some Line which we could wish were not there ; so if those things which here may shock some persons had been omitted or softned , it would more justly , and more generally have pleased ; I suppose that the Translator would have done so , had he not been affraid to have taken out some Material Thing hid under the Veil of some unhappy Expression , instead of taking away a bare Trifle .

But as what may be blameable in this Book , bears no proportion with the almost infinite number of admirable and useful Things , which are to be found in it , the Ingenious ought not to be deprived of it . Lucian's works , notwithstanding a Thousand Passages in them , against Modesty and Religion , have been handed down to us by the Primitive Christians ; which they would not have done , had they not been sensible that they could do much more good than harm .

The Art of Writing has caused much Mischief , which made the Ancients say , that its Inventor had sown Serpent's Teeth ; yet who would be without the use of Letters ? We may as well cut out our Tongue , that World of Wickedness , as it is called in Scripture ▪ Weak Minds may turn good things to the worst use ; and even sacred Writings have produced ill Effects : Readers are often more blameable than Authors , and should like Bees gather Honey out of Poetical Flowers , instead of sucking the Poison like Spiders . The cause of the ill Actions of most Men is not in Books , but in the wicked Disposition of their Hearts : And the soft Melancholy with which the most chaste Romances often cloud the Mind , thus making way for violent Passions , is much more to be feared than a work of this Nature .

As long as those and some of our Plays are in the Hands of the weaker Sex ; that Catullus , Ovid , Iuvenal and Martial are learned by Heart in Schools by Men-Children , and a thousand other Books more dangerous prostituted to the ignorant Vulgar ; Rabelais's Works , in which there is more Morality as well as more Wit and Learning , than in most that are read , may be allowed a place among the Best . Verbis offendi morbi aut imbecillitatis argumentum est , saith Cicero : And we may say for our Author , like Ausonius , Cui hic Ludus noster non placet ne legerit ; aut cum legerit obliviscatur : Aut non oblitus ignoscat . A learned and pious English Man , who was a Bishop in France in the old Times , Ioan. Saresberiensis , in Policratico . de . Nugis Curial . and wrote almost as freely as Rabelais , says , Multitudinis imperitae non formido judicia , meis tamen rogo parcant opusculis — In quibus fuit propos●ti semper à nugis ad bona transire seria . Solomon bids us not speak in the Ears of a Fool , for he will despise the wisdom of our words : A● our Author speaks to none of those , his Book may be as useful as it is diverting ; provided , as I have said , that a Reader curb his Thoughts in some few Passages ; which a Man of Sense will easily do , and I recommend it to no others .

PETER MOTTEUX .

At the end of the late French Edi●ions of Rabelais , without the least reason , the Dipsodes were said to be Lorains ; Fryar-Ihon was said to be Cardinal de Lorraine ; Gargantua was said to be Francis I. Grangousier was said to be Lo●is XII . Great Mare of Gargantua , Madam de Estampes . Hertrippa , a great Magician ▪ Hippothadeus , the King's Confessor . Lerné Bresse . Loupgarou , Amiens . Pantagruel , Henry II. Sybil of Panzoust , a Court Lady . Panurge , Cardinal de Amboise . Pichrocole , Piedmont . Salmygondin , Benefices . Theleme , Protocole of the Council of Trent . Xenomanes , the Chancellor .

These are all the Names said to belong to these three Books , and unjustly call'd a Key to them .

ERRATA In the Life and Preface .

PAge . 4. l. 32 For near , read to . Page . 22. l. 7. For laeus , read laesus , Page . 38. l. 12. For Falsè read Salsè . Page . 56 ( which should be 57 ) Line 17. And our World with thy presence grace again read , And with thy presence grace our World again .

A Familiar Epistle To Mr. Baldwin On his publishing the Translation OF RABELAIS . WHat 's here ? Plain-dealing Rabelais come abroad , Spruc'd up with Cost , and in the newest Mode ! Dick ▪ art thou mad ? hast no Consideration ! Still playing ' th' honest Wight in thy Vocation , And Printing dang'rous Truths to serve the Nation . The Times need such a Satyrist , you 'll Say , As do's impartially about him lay , And Rablais spares no Knave that comes in 's Way . Dick , thou meanst well , and well thy Author meant ; He lash't the former Age — but what 's th' Event ? Has Reformation of one Vice ensu'd ? No! — Whipping makes old Lechers but more lewd . Have public Cheats or private since been found To lose , or Truth to get an Inch of Ground ? Thy Rabelais , Quixot's hum'rous Author too , Have done what ridiculing Wit cou'd do ; Have Vanity expos'd in true Grotesque , But might as well have preach't as writ Burlesque . Quevedo to the former Pair admit To make a great Triumvirate of Wit : One Convert shew by what all Three have writ . Is banish't Justice since to Earth arriv'd ? Religion or Morality reviv'd ? Havock in Field encroaching Tyrants make , With Drum and Trumpet keep the World awake . Repair to th' Hall , and There the clam'rous Bar Presents you with another Scene of War . As Conjur'd up by some infernal Charm , Attornies , Petti-foggers , Pleaders swarm . A Block-head must be fee'd , and waited on , For that Advice by which you are Undone . While Plaintiff and Defendant madly strive , Both Parties starve to make the Locusts thrive . They who belong to th' Lott'ry of the Law Are only safe , while Blanks the Clients draw . Or , Tell me , is our Tribe of Quacks decreas'd ? Or less the Catalogue of the Deceas'd ! Are Bullets more destructive than the Pill ? Therefore , Add Doctor to the Weekly-Bill . Has Biggottry to make a Man turn Sot , Or Priest-craft how to menage Fools forgot ? Or is not , when a Pastor shifts his Place , A fatter Benefice the Call of Grace ? Have ye ne'r seen a Drone possess at ease What would provide for Ten Industrious Bees ? The Plodding Citt grows Rich: — his graceless Son Turns Wit and Beau , drinks , whores , and is is undone . What Rank or Sex ( for , Dick , thou lov'st to speak The best of Matters ) their old Measures break ? How very Few quit their accustom'd Round , That first do's others , then Themselves confound ? Towns , Countries are but Copies of each other , One half 's Impertinence , and what is t'other : But Speech and Mode's refin'd — Ay , to our Cost ! Breeding's improv'd , Integrity is lost . Your humble Servant Sir — The Courtiers Note , That 's in plain English — Sir , I 'll cut your Throat . Believe me Sir , your Friend or y' are unjust : An Ass you are if you believe or trust . He calls you back — Depend upon 't as done ; His next Words are — The Credulous Coxcomb 's gone . Say , is the very Sphere of Learning free ? Still old Abuses reign , and still we see Science made Cant , and Nonsense Mystery . Blind Form and Custom in the Van appear Of ev'ry Order , Int'rest in the Rear . Pimps , Pandars , Stallions , Buffoons , Parasites , Setters , Suborners , Sharpers , Pillory-Knights , Cheats , Cullies , Bravoes , Cowards , Hypocrites ; This Spawn , with more that of their Rank you 'll find , Make half the Gallamaufry of Mankind . Unjust or vain Desires , our Minds employ ; But sensless Cares the Miser's Rest destroy , Who fears to lose what he can ne'er enjoy . Why starv'st thou , Wretch ? — I 'm Thrif●y and would save — For whom ? For those will Piss upon the Grave . Make but your Will , fall sick and speechless lie , You 'll see their kind Returns before you di● Your Heirs , Executors , and Legatees Will all disperse , what you bequeath'd to seize ; Not one to raise you , fainting in your Bed , Or lift the cordial Julep to your Head . The Fool and Wit , when once depriv'd of Breath , Have equal Sense , and both the Jest of Death . What difference , when into Earth's Clutches got , Between the Slothful and the Busie Sot ? Betwixt Ambition , Fortunate or Crost , To have Gain'd Never , or for Ever Lost ? What e're on Earth engages our Esteem , Our Fear , or Anger , All 's a Sick-Man's Dream . The World 's a Farce , which do's with Youth begin , Most Men have Parts in the Fantastic Scene , A Natural Scaramouch or Harleq●u in . The Number of Spectators are but Few , Who unconcern'd the frantick Medley View . Yet — As by witty Rabelais 't is Exprest , Life's Idle Droll's an entertaining Jest. N. Tate .

TO The Excellent Translator OF RABELAIS . AS when at first the jarring Seeds began T' unite , and kindly ripen into Man , Just was the Work , and goodly the Design , Each Feature graceful , and each part Divine ; But still the beauteous Piece was incompleat , Nor had the Sense engag'd it for its Sea● : There wanted something to command the whole , Inform the Mass , and warm it with a Soul ; Till Heav'nly Fire , descending from Above , Breath'd Life throughout , and made its Organs move : Thence ev'ry Nerve perform'd the Task enjoyn'd , And Man towr'd upward with his Face , and govern'd with his Mind : So far'd it with our English Rabelais , when His injur'd Honours summon'd forth thy Pen. Pensive and sad , the dark'ned Genius lay , Nor could one pointed thought through Brittish Fogs convey . Former Translators ( good Men ! ) could not bear That any Foe such pointed Teeth should wear ; With their own Wit they softned his , and thence The nervous Satyr shrunk to feeble Sence . Our Scriblers thus paid France with equal Wrong , And made unjust Reprisals on her Tongue . Whilst she destroy'd her Neighbours with her Swords , They made as great a Slaughter on her Words . But now each Page with native Lustre shines , And Gallic Thoughts adorn the British Lines . Thou giv'st an Author , and renew'st his Flame , Translating so as to appear the same . The same the vig'rous Heat , and sprightly Fire , The same the Sting , and ev'ry Grace entire . That e'en his blustring * Gargantua . Heroe can't disown The Justice done our Language and his own . Thou mak'st our rugged Tongue to Rules submit Dissolving inharmonious Words to Wit. So just and smooth each burly Word is spun , Rabelais wou'd own his nicest Touch out-done . So when with pow'rful Wan the Prophet struck The stubborn Mount , and wounded through the Rock , The barren Flint , dissolving , open'd wide Its vanquish'd Breast , and melted to a Tide . And the rough Summit ( which but just before Impending Ruine and Destruction bore ) Gave way , while from its Womb the Water burst , And stop'd loud Israel's Clamours , and appeas'd their Thirst. Oct. the 2 d. 1693. WILLIAM PITTIS , Fellow of New Colledge in Oxon

ON The Incomparable WORKS OF THE LEARNED D r. RABELAIS· THis Rabelais ( as lowd Fame does bellow ) Was once a very learned Fellow . Fellow ! No ; Doctor I should call him ; For , sure I can't enough extol him . He writ a swinging Book of Physic , To cure Folks of Catarrh and Phthisic ; Of Stone , Gouts , Dropsies and of Agues , And other Woes which daily plague us . But soon as e'er he understood That writing Sense would do no good , He strove to scribble seeming Nonsence , T' oblige the People in their own Sence : Changing his method of Advising , And fell to Metagrobolifing . Hey ▪ What a Pox is That ? ( you ll say ) Why , look for 't in your Scapula ! And if you do not find it There ; Why — what a Devil do I care ? To Garagantua make Apology , See if he 'll shew you th' Etymology ! How ! Garagantua ! That 's such Bombast , ( Crys one ) as never Brain yet compast . Such Brains ( it may be , Child ! ) as thine , That reach not to his great design . 'T is Aist'ry and instructive Satyr ; But thou know'st nothing of the matter . Read Polexander and Grand Cyrus ( Whose florid Fooleries quite tire us ) They 'r fit for thee : Whose Gust effeminate Nothing can please , but Mead or Lemonade . Those Tales like Truths such Fops esteem ; And Truth like this a Lydo's seem . Dom Quixot with his Sanco can't weigh The pond'rous Worth of Garagantua . I speak to you of ev'ry Rank here ; The gainful Bankrupt , griping Banquier , ( The selfish States-man , flatt'ring Courtier , ( Who make all honest Men such sport here ) The honest Lawyer , pious Parson , ( Of which I fear , you will find scarce one ) The Whore of Honour , flutt'ring Gallant , The dastard Soldier , Bully valiant , The silent Bishop , pamper'd Cardinal , ( Who , when he 's Pope ( some say ) can pardon all ) The Judge , the Hangman , Lord and Peasant ▪ ( All I can think upon at present ) Ye lofty and ye peerless Rabble ▪ Y' are all the Moral of his Fable . In one piece all these he has nick'd here . Pray don't find fault then with your Picture ! For , being thus joyned , each of 's may const're , We make a very pretty Monster . ALEX. OLDIS .

ON THE WORKS OF RABELAIS TRANSLATED . HArd are their Tasks and hasardous their Lots , Who in Translation drudge for envious Sots ; That ev'n to thought could make but faint pretence , Nor could converse , unless at their Expence . Yet strait the easie Benefit forget , Condemn their Labours while they steal their Wit. Fame's Lott'ry none wou'd play at were they wise ; The Stake's too weighty and too rare a Prize . All other Trades some certain aim pursue , And in a surer Choice their Wisdom shew . The wiser Merchant with expected gain Sates his Ambition , and rewards his Pain : Jewels set off his Luxury ; and Gold , The Seed of Discord , since its Age of old , Whose all commanding Power can Princes sway , Is but his Servant , does his Will obey . Not so , the Men who useful Arts convey , And foreign Sence to their own World display . They too are Merchants ( tho' with diff'rent Fate ) For they import the Wit which they translate . Poor their reward ; yet is it not secure , No Laws the Learned's Property immure . Touch but the other , you confusion breed , And Magna Charta through their Wounds will bleed ; Their Injuries at once whole Nations rouse , And Princes Swords their Quarrel● must espouse . Only the Learn'd to all expos'd a Prey , Steer through more dang'rous Seas their doub●ful way . Each envious Breath does their smooth Course molest , And frequent Piracies their Coasts infest . Some few have safe the Rocks of Censure past , And in the Road of Fame their Anchors cast . The ancient Treasures these have made our own ; Thus Aesop is familiar with the Town : Inspir'd with English by a learned Penoil , His moral Beasts instruct our brutish Men. Thus while our Wits do in his Cause engage , Iuvenal's pointed Satyrs lash our Age. Oh might but Horace on our Nation smile , And laugh its Follies from our happy Isle : Wou'd the same Pens but vindicate his Fame , Restore his Spi●its and revive his Flame ; Not let him languish in unjust Despair , Maim'd in his Thoughts , and sp'd of all his Air ; Nor walk like discontented Ghosts the Town Shun'd by his Friends , and to himself scarce known . To our raw Youth his Wit might be display'd , And 〈◊〉 Mother-Tongue his Sense convey'd . 〈…〉 no longer wou'd admire the Chime , And Fops find something more than empty Rhyme . Lucian expects to wear the English Dress , And Rab'lais waits the Leisure of the Press . Our Age , with Joy , may in this Pair behold The modern Wit corrival to the Old . Mens Follies both in a true Light display With equal Wit , tho' a far diff'rent Way . Singly the Greek of Numbers not afraid , Does ( like bold Knights ) with open Force invade . He pulls the snarling Cynic from his Herd , And strings his Fiddle-stick with his grave Beard . Then to his Jig a medley Crowd advance , Kings , Tyrants , Conqu'rors lead the antic Dance . But in warm Bosoms Rab'lais , fondly bred , Like a tame Snake , does unseen Venom shed ; His wanton Twinings yet such Pleasure bring They hug the Viper , tho' they feel his Sting . Bitten by this Tarantula they lie In tickling Pain , and even laughing die . So feeble Dotards scourge the sluggish Part For Provocation , and forgive the Art That whets their Letchery , although 〈◊〉 smart . By this one Author , France , thou' rt honour'd more Than all thy envy'd Wealth , and ravish'd Store ; His Memory no Time shall ever blot , That shall be fresh , when all thy Conquests are forgot . Thus Spain does still in her Cervantes shine , Nor can her Indies boast so rich a Mine . On this Translation Rab'lais shall look down , Pleas'd with his Wit in all its Graces shown . He like a Champion in the Front shall stand , While injur'd Authors all with Pen in Hand ▪ Defie the snarling Critics of this Land . No longer shall lean Poet tamely sit , And hear fat Fools profane his darling Wit ; His Muse shall rouse , and in poetic Rage , Drive Fops and foppish Critics off the Stage . I. DRAKE

ON The most diverting WORKS OF THE LEARNED D r. RABELAIS· WHile some in wise Mens Garbs are mad , Or gravely dull , that 's near as bad ; Rabelais , a Foe to melancholy , Is Wisdom in the Garb of Folly . Tho' your grave Brutes can never find The Fruit within the prickly Rind . But if none else for Wise must pass , Sure , nothing's wiser than an Ass. As dull by Nature or Disaster , When Rhimers laugh , 't is like their Master , And that 's not often ! For , we hear , Apollo laughs but once a Year : Scarce can he have so oft occasion , So woful is each Wight's Oblation : Whence , sympathising with their Rhimes , They make us duller than the Times . But who e'er reads our Doctor 's Chronicle Must laugh , though not in sence Ironical . Who always reads it , will appear To laugh indeed but once a year ; But that 's as once a day feeds Glutton , From Morn to Night , till out-flies Button . As in kind House , by Mob call'd Bawdy , Old Sinner crawls to Punk that 's gawdy , Whom charitable fat old Woman Has taught to be unkind to no Man ; He 'd play , but cannot , till , by Flogging ; Rous'd Limberham keeps briskly jogging . Jirk'd by his Hackney beyond Reason , Yet pleas'd the more , the more she lays on : So I who , ply'd with Rhime each hour , Have Will to laugh , but scarce have Power , Ev'n I , must laugh when I read Rabelais , More pleas'd than Cull , on whom his Drab lays . Pleas'd ev'n to pain , as well as he , Yet fear lest others laugh at me . This Simile , you 'll cry , 's not good , Nor goes on all Four as it should . But why on all Four should it go , While I its Dad must plod on two ? What though i' th' midst of Deed of Pravity , Like new sworn May'r Cull keeps his Gravity ? If he laughs not at Face that 's upper , Yet Mirth 's at t'other down the Crupper ; And to please either with a jirk , A dose of Rabelais does the work . While some Collegiate Farrier's Skill in Curing lies in methodic Killing , And indeed rids Men of all Evil , If 't is not one to go to th' Devil , You pay not only for his Bill , ( Your Pass your Recipe into Hell ) But must ev'n pay for the damn'd Poyson , Which for his Sport your Corps he tries on . Well may the Wretches be called Patients , Who must endure their Operations ! But Rabelais , learn'd in Kitchin Physic , Ne'er lets those who consult him be sick : Choice Bills of Fare his only Bills , His Potions Wine , and Mirth his Pills ; Playsters of warm Guts , gentle Frictions , His iatraliptical Prescriptions , Reader Wouldst thou have all Quacks to forsake thee , And make 'em lean , as they would make thee ? Read Rabelais ; but , lest Laughing hurt thee , First leak a while , then tightly girt thee ; Else , if thou burst not , sure it i● , Thou wilt at least thy self bepiss . PETER MOTTEUX

A LIST OF Some of the Names mention'd in the First , Second and Third Books of Rabelais , explained in the Preface .

THe Antidoted Conundrums , Grangousier , Gargamelle , Gargantua , Badebec , Pantagruel , Panurge , Fryar Iohn of the Funnels . Vtopia , Beusse , Verron , Bibarois , Pichrocole , Lerné Cake-Bakers of Lerné , The Cakes , Truands of Lerné , Philip Marais , Viceroy of Popeligosse , Theodorus , the Physitian for the Brain , White and Blew , Gargantua's Colours , Epistemon , Anticyrian Hellebore . Vine of Se●illé , Ianotus de Bragmardo , Gargantua's Mare , Master Beggar of St. Anthony , Vlric Gallet , Giants , Gargantua's Sheherds , The Medlars The Thirstiness of Gargantua , and the Drought at Pantagruel's Birth , The Limosin Schollar , The Catalogue of the Books in St. Victors Library at Paris , The Cause between Kiss-Breech and Suck Fizzle . Kiss-Breech , Suck-Fizzle , Thaumast the English Scholar , The Dypsodes , The City of the Amaurotes The Amaurotes , Loup garou The Giants Arm'd with free-Stone King Anarchus made to Cry green Sawse in a Canvas Iacket , The Almyrods Pantagruel covering an Army with his Tongue , The sickness of Pantagruel The Colony of Vtopians sent into Dypsodi● , Salmigondin Sybill of Panzoust Raminagrobis Enguerrant The Oxygian Islands Sammal● Her-Trippa Hippo-thadeus Rondibilis Trouillogan Triboulet Iudge Bridlegoose Herb Pantagruelion ,

A Satire on the Pope , Emperor , &c. Iohn d' Albret King of Navarre . Catharine de Foix , Q. of Navarre . Henry d' Albret King of Navarre . Margaret de Valois his Queen . Anthony de Bourbon . Montluc Bp. of Valence . Cardinal Castillon , also Martin Luther . Navarre . Albret . Bearn . Vivarez . King of Spain . Spain . The Popish Priests . Bread in Communion . The Spanish Army . Philip , Son to the Mareschal of Navar. Berthaud , a Protestant Divine . Innocence , Piety , Bp. of Maillezais Colours . Ruffy , Bp. of Oleron . The Holy Scripture . Cup in the Eucharist . Cenalis Bp. of Avranches . Also a head of a College . A Lady . The Provincial Fath. of that Order . Constable of Navar : Also Vlric Zuinglius . Princes . Lutheran Preachers . The Reformers . The Cry for the Restitution of the Wine in the Eucharist . Helisaine , a pedantic Au●hor . A Satire on some Books in that Library , now one of the best in France . Tryal between the Mother of Fran. I. and Const. Bourbon . Poyet , Chancellor . Monthelon Ld. Keeper Sr. Thomas Moor and Hieronimus Cardan . Netherlanders . Terouenne , Picardy . The Town of Liliers . Castles near Liliers , St. Omer &c. Boors tha● Sheltered themselves there ; Bapaume . A. of Bourbon obtaining Cloths for his Army . His Disgust . His Vassals in Picardy settled in the Low Countries . Montluc's Abbey . St. Therese a Nun Virgo Veneta . Cretin an Old Poet ; Monstrelet , Historiogr●pher . Iersey , Gernsey , &c. St. Malo . Henry Corne. Agrippa . Philip Melancthon , Rondeletus a Physitian . Petrus Ramus . A Jester thus nam'd . Chancelor Poyet . Hemp.

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE TO THE FIRST BOOK .

MOST Noble and Illustrious Drinkers , and you thrice precious Pockified blades ; ( for to you , and none else do I dedicate my Writings ) Alcibiades , in that Dialogue of Plato's , which is intituled , The Banquet , whilst he was se●ting forth the Praises of his Schoolmaster Socrates ( without all question the Prince of Philosophers ) amongst other Discourses to that purpose said , that he resembled the Silenes . Silenes of old were little Boxes , like those we now may see in the Shops of Apothecaries , painted on the outside with wanton toyish Figures , as Harpies , Satyrs , bridled Geese , horned Hares , sadled Ducks , flying Goats , Thiller Harts , and other such like counterfeited Pictures at pleasure , to excite People unto Laughter , as Silenus himself , who was the Foster-father of good Bacchus , was wont to do , but within those capricious Caskets were carefully preserved and kept many rich and fine Drugs , such as Balm , Ambergreece , Amamon , Musk , Civet , with several kinds of Precious Stones and other things of great price . Iust such another thing was Socrates , for to have eyed his outside , and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance , you would not have given the peel of an Onion for him , so deformed he was in Body , and ridiculous in his Gesture : He had a sharp pointed Nose , with the look of a Bull , and Countenance of a Fool : He was in his Carriage simple , boarish in his Apparel , in Fortune poor , unhappy in his Wives , unfit for all Offices in the Commonwealth , always laughing , tipling and merry carousing to every one , with continual gibes and jeers , the better by those means to conceal his divine Knowledge . Now opening this Box you would have found within it a heavenly and inestimable Drug , a more then human Understanding , an admirable Vertue , matchless Learning , invincible Courage , unimitable Sobriety , certain Contentment of Mind , perfect Assurance and an incredible Misregard of all that for which Men commonly do so much watch , run , fail , fight , travel , toyl and turmoil themselves .

Whereunto ( in your Opinion ) doth this little flourish of a Preamble tend ? For so much as you , my good Disciples , and some other jolly Fools of Ease and Leasure , reading the pleasant Titles of some Books of our Invention , as Gargantua , Pantagruel , Whippot , the Dignity of Cod-peeces , Of Pease and Bacon , with a Commentary , &c. are too ready to judge , that there is nothing in them but Iests , Mockeries , lascivious Discourse and recreative Lyes ; because the outside ( which is the Title ) is usually ( without any farther enquiry ) entertain'd with Scoffing and Derision . But truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of Men , seeing your selves avouch that it is not the Habit makes the Monk ; many being Monasterially accoutred , who inwardly are nothing less than Monachal ; and that there are of those that wear Spanish Caps , who have but little of the Valour of Spaniards in them . Therefore is it , that you must open the Book , and seriously consider of the matter treated in it , then shall you find that it containeth Things of far higher value then the Box did promise ; that is to say , that the Subject thereof is not so foolish , as by the Title at the first sight it would appear to be .

And put the case that in the literal Sense you meet with Matters that are light and ludicrous , and suitable enough to their Inscriptions ; yet must not you stop there , as at the Melody of the charming Syrens ; but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer Sense , which possibly you might think was spoken in the Iollity of Heart . Did you ever pick the Lock of a Cupboard to steal a Bottle of Wine out of it ? Tell me truly , and if you did call to mind the Countenance which then you had ? Or did you ever see a Dog with a Marrow-bone in his Mouth ( the Beast of all other , says Plato , lib. 2. de Republica , the most Philosophical ) if you have seen him , you might have remarked with what Caution and Circumspectness he wards and watcheth it ; with what care he keeps it ; how fervently he holds it ; how prudently he gobbets it ; with what affection he breaks it ; and with what diligence he sucks it . To what end all this ? What moveth him to take all these pains ? What are the hopes of his Labour ? What doth he expect to reap thereby ? Nothing but a little Marrow . True it is , that this little is more savoury and delicious then the great quantities of other Sorts of Meat , because the marrow ( as Galen testifieth , 5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium ) is a nourishment most perfectly elaboured by Nature .

In imitation of this Dog , it becomes you to be wise , to smell , feel and have in estimation these fair goodly Books , stuffed with high Conceptions , that seem easie and superficial , but are not so readily fathom'd ; and then like him you must , by a sedulous Lecture , and frequent Meditation , break the Bone , and suck out the substantial Marrow ; that is , my allegorical Sense , or the things I to my self propose to be signified by these Pythagorical Symbols ; with assured hope , that in so doing , you will at last attain to be both very wise and very brave ; for in the perusal of this Treatise , you shall find another kind of Taste , and a Dictrin of a more profound and abstruse consideration , which will disclose unto you the most glorious Doctrin , and dreadful Mysteries , as well in what concerneth your Religion , as Matters of the public State and Life oeconomical .

Do you believe upon your Conscience , that Homer whilst he was a couching his Iliads and Odysses , had any thought upon those Allegories , which Plutarch , Heraclides , Ponticus , Fristatius , Cornutus squeezed out of him , and which Politian filched again from them . If that is your Faith , you shall never be of my Church ; who hold that those Mysteries were as little dream'd of by Homer , as the Gospel-Sacraments were by Ovid in his Metamorphosis ; Fere lubin croq lardon . though a certain Gulligut * * By Fryar Lubin here is meant Tho. Walles , an English - man , a Benedictin , who wrote such a Treatise . Fryar and true Bacon-eater , would have undertaken to prove it , if perhaps he had met with as very Fools as himself ( and as the Proverb says ) a Lid worthy of such a Kettle .

If you give any Credit to him , why are you not as kind to these jovial new Chronicles of mine ? Albeit when I did dictate them , I thought upon no more than you , who possibly were drinking ( the whilst ) as I was : For in the composing of this Masterly Book , I never lost nor bestowed any more , nor any other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily Refection , that is , whilst I was eating and drinking .

And indeed , that is the fit●est and most proper hour , wherein to write these high Matters and deep Sciences , as Homer knew very well , the Paragon of all Philologues , and Ennius , the Father of the Latin Poets ( as Horace calls him ) although a certain sneaking Iobernol objected , that his Verses savour'd more of the Wine than of the Oil.

A certain Addle-headed Cocks-comb saith the same of my Books ; * * Turlupin . but a turd for him . The fragrant Odour of the Wine ; Oh how much more sparkling , warming , charming , celestial and delicious it is , than of Oil ! And I will glory as much when it is said of me , that I have spent more on Wine than Oil , as did Demosthenes , when it was told him , That his Expence on Oil was greater than on Wine .

I truly held it for an honour to be called and reputed a good Fellow , a pleasant Companion , or Merry Andrew ; for under this name am I welcom in all choice Companies of Pantagruelists . It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly Knave , that his Orations did smell like the Sarpler , or Clout that had stopped a musty Oil Vessel . Therefore I pray interpret you all my Deeds and Sayings in the perfectest Sense ; reverence the Cheese-like brain that feeds you with all these jolly Maggots , and do what lies in you to keep me alwaies merry . Be frolic now my Lads , chear up your Hearts , and joyfully read the rest , with all the Ease of your Body and Comfort to your Reins . But hearken , Ioltheads , O dickens take ye , off with your Bumper , I will do you Reason , pull away , Supernaculum .

TO THE READER . RAbelais had studied much , and look'd about , And found the World not worth one serious Thought . So , Reader , howsoever pert thou art , Take this along he lays it not to heart . Before-hand with you here , he reads your doom , And damns Mankind , past , present and to come . Be Knaves or Fools , that either squint or drivel , Blindfold he throws and gives you to the Devil . He saw what beastly farce this World was grown , That Sence and all Humanity were gone . Reason from thee ; that never was his care ; He wou'd as soon chop Logic with a Bear . But for the Laughing part , he bids thee strain ; Laugh only so to shew thy self a Man .

CHAP. I. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GARGANTUA .

I Must refer you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of Race by which Gargantua is descended unto us : In it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this World , and how from them by a direct Line issued Gargantua the Father of Pantagruel . And do not take it ill , if for this time I pass by it , although the Subject be such , that the oftner it were rememb'red , the more it would please your Worships : According to the Authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias ; and of Flaccus , who says , That there is some kind of Matters ( such as these are without doubt ) which the frequentlier they be repeated , still prove the more delectable .

Would to God every one had as certain knowledge of his Genealogy si●ce the time of the Ark of Noah until this Age. I think many are at this Day Emperors , Kings , Dukes , Princes and Popes on the Earth , whose Extraction is from some Porters and Pardon-pedlars ; as on the contrary many are now poor wandring Beggars , wretched and miserable ; who are descended of the Blood and Lineage of great Kings and Emperors , occasioned ( as I conceive it ) by the Revolution of Kingdoms and Empires ; From the Assyrians to the Medes ; From the Medes to the Persians ; From the Persians to the Macedonians ; From the Macedonians to the Romans ; From the Romans to the Greeks ; From the Greeks to the Franks .

And to give you some hints concerning my self , who speak unto you ; I cannot think but I am come of the Race of some rich King or Prince in former Times ; for never yet saw you any Man that had a greater desire to be a King , and to be rich , than I have ; and to the end only , that I may make good Chear , do nothing , nor care for any thing , and plentifully enrich my Friends , and all honest and learned Men : But herein do I comfort my self , that in the other World I shall be all this ; yea , and greater too than at this present I dare wish : As for you , with the same or a better conceit enjoy your selves in your distresses ; and drink fresh if you can come by it .

But returning to our Subject , I say , that by the especial care of Heaven , the Antiquity and Genealogy of a Gargantua hath been reserved for our use , more full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias , whereof I mean not to speak ; for it belongs not unto my Province ; and the Devils ( that is to say ) the false Accusers and Church-vermin will be upon my Jacket . This Genealogy was found by Iohn Andrew in a Meadow , which he had near the Pole-arch , under the Olive-tree , as you go to Marsay . Where , as they were casting up some Ditches , the diggers with their Mattocks struck against a great brazen Tomb , unmeasurably along , for they could never find the end thereof , by reason that it entred too far within the Sluces of Vienne . Opening this Tomb , in a certain place thereof , sealed on the top with the mark of a Goblet , about which was written in Hetrurian Letters HIC BIBITVR , they found nine Flaggons set in such order as they use to rank their Kyles in Gascony ; of which that which was placed in the middle , had under it a big , greasie , great , grey , jolly , small , moudy little Pamphlet , smelling stronger , but no better then Roses .

In that Book the said Genealogy was found written all at length , in a Chancery hand , not in Paper , not in Parchment nor in wax , but in the Bark of an Elm-tree ; yet so worn with the long tract of time , that hardly could three Letters together be there perfectly discerned .

I ( though unworthy ) was sent for thither , and with much help of those Spectacles , whereby the art of reading dim Writings , and Letters that do not clearly appear to the sight , is practised , as Aristotle teacheth it ; did translate the Book as you may see in your Pantagruelising , that is to say , in drinking stifly to your own hearts desire ; and reading the dreadful and horrific Acts of Pantagruel . At the end of the Book there was a little Treatise entituled the Antidoted Conundrums . The Rats and Moths , or ( that I may not lye ) other wicked Vermin , had nimbed off the beginning , the rest I have hereto subjoyned , for the Reverence I bear to Antiquity .

CHAP. II. THE Antidoted Conundrums , Found in an ancient Monument . ....... The Cymbrians overcomer Pass thr ... the Air , to shun the dew of Summer ; ... At his coming ... great Tubs were fill'd , .... Fresh Butter down in showers distill'd . ..... His Grandam overwhelm'd ; so hey Aloud he cry'd , ............ His Whiskers all beray'd , to make him madder ; So bang'd the Pitcher , till they rear'd the Ladder . To lick his slipper , some told was much better , Than to gain Pardons and the merit greater . In the mean time a crafty Chuff approaches , From the depth issued , where they fish for Roches ; Who said , Good Sirs , some of them let us save , The Eel is here , and in this hollow Cave You 'll find , if that our looks on it demur , A great waste in the bottom of his Fur. To read this Chapter when he did begin , Nothing but a Calves Horns where found therein . I feel ( quoth he ) the Mitre which doth hold My head so chill , it makes my brains take cold . Being with the Perfume of a Turnup warm'd , To stay by chimney Hearths himself he arm'd , Provided that a new Thill Horse they made Of every Person of a hair-brain'd Head . St. Patrick's Hole employ'd their wise Discourse ; And Elden Hole , with twenty thousand worse . If any skill might bring them to a Skar , So as no Cough reciprocate the Air. Since every Man unseemly did it find , To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind . For if perhaps they handsomly were clos'd For pledges they to Men might be expos'd . In this arrest by Hercules the Raven Was slain at his return from Lybia Haven . Why am not I , said Minos , there invited , Vnless it be my self not once omitted . And then it is their Mind I do no more Of Frogs and Oysters send them any store . In case they spare my Life and prove but civil , I give their sale of Distaffs to the Devil . To quell him comes Q. R. who limping frets At the safe pass of trixy Crackarets , The Boulter , the grand Cyclops Cousin , those Did Massacre , whilst each one wip'd his Nose . Few Ingles in this fallow Ground are bred , But on a Tanners Mill are winnowed . Run thither all of you , th' alarms sound clear , You shall have more than you had the last Year . Short while thereafter was the Bird of Jove Resolv'd to speak , though dism●● it should prove . Yet was afraid when he saw them 〈◊〉 , They should o'rthrow quite , 〈…〉 , th' Empire . He rather chus'd the fire from Heaven to steal , To Boats where were Red Herrings put to sale ; Then to be calm 'gainst those who strive to brave us , And to the Massorets fond words enslave us . All this at last concluded gallantly , In spight of Ate and her Hern-like Thigh , Who sitting saw Penthesilea tane , In her old Age for a Cresse-selling Quean . Each one cried out thou filthy Collier toad Doth it become thee to be found abroad ? Thou hast the Roman Standard filtch'd away , Which they in Rags of Parchment did display . Juno was born , who under the Rainbow Was a Bird-catching with her Duck below . When her with such a grievous trick they plyed , That she had almost been transmogrify'd . The bargain was that of that throat full she Should of Proserpina have too Eggs free : And if that she thereafter should be found , She to a Haw-thorn hill should be fast bound . Seven Months thereafter lacking twenty two , He that of old did Carthage Town undo : Did bravely mid'st them all himself advance , Requiring of them his Inheritance . Although they justly made up the division , According to the Shooe-welt-laws decision ; By distributing store of Brews and Beef To those poor Fellows that did Pen the Brief . The Year will come , mark'd by a Turkish Bow , Five Spindles yarnd ▪ and three Pot-bottoms too , Wherein of a discourteous King the Dock Shall pepper'd be under an Hermits Frock . Ah that for one she Hypocrite you must Permit so many Acres to be lost . Cease , cease , this Visard may become another , Withdraw your selves unto the Serpents Brother . The Day is past ; so he that is shall Reign , And his good Friends , all kindly entertain . No rash or heady Prince shall domineer ; Peace and good Will must Triumph every where . And all the Solas , promised long ago To Heavens choice Guests , in mighty streams will flow . And every Garron founder'd ne'er so long , Shall with the Royal Palfreys praunce along . And this continue shall from time to time , Till Mars be fettred for an unknown Crime . Then shall one come who others will surpass , Delightful , pleasing , matchless , full of Grace . Chear up your Hearts , approach to this Repast , All trusty Frinds of mine ; for he 's deceast , Who would not for a World return again , So highly shall time past be cry'd up then . He who was made of Wax shall lodge each Member Close by the hinges of a block of Timber . We then no more shall Master , Master , whoot , The Swagger who th' alarum Bell holds out . Could one seize on the Dagger which he bears , Heads would be free from tingling in the Ears ; To baffle the whole Storehouse of Abuses ; And thus farewel Apollo and the Muses .

CHAP. III. How Gargantua was carried eleven Months in his Mothers Belly .

GRangousier was a Good Fellow in his time , and notable Jester ; he loved to drink neat , as much as any man that then was in the world , and would willingly eat Salt-meat : to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with Gammons of Bacon , both of Westphalia , Mayence and Bayone ; with store of dried Neats Tongues , plenty of Links , Chitterlings and Puddings in their Season ; together with Salt Beef and Mustard , a good deal of Botargos , great provision of Sauciges , not of Bolonia ( for he feared the Lombard Boccone ) but of Bigorre , Longaulnay , Brene , and Rouargue . In the vigor of his age he married Gargamelle , Daughter to the King of the Parpaillons , a Jolly Pug , and well mouthed Wench . These two did often times do the two backed Beast together , joyfully rubbing and frotting their Bacon 'gainst one another , insofar , that at last she became great with Child of a fair Son , and went with him unto the eleventh month , for so long , yea longer may a Woman carry her great Belly ; especially when it is some Master-piece of nature , and a person predestinated to the performance , in his due time , of great Exploits , as Homer says , that the Child which Neptune begot upon the Nymph , was born a whole year after the conception ; that is , in the twelfth month ; for as Aulus Gellius saith , Lib. 3. this long time was suitable to the majesty of Neptune ; that in it the child might receive his form in perfection . For the like reason Iupiter made the Night , wherein he lay with Alcmena , last forty eight hours ; a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of Hercules , who was to rid the world of the Monsters , and the Tyrants . My Masters , the ancient Pantagruelists have confirmed that which I say , and withal declared it to be not only possible , but also maintained the Legitimacy of the Infant , born of a woman in the eleventh month after the decease of her Husband . Hippocrates lib. de Alimento . Plin. lib. 7. cap. 5. Plautus in Cistellaria . Marcus Varro , in his Satyr inscribed the Testament , alledging the Authority of Aristotle on this occasion Censorinus , lib. de die Natali . Arist. lib. 7. cap. 3 , & 4. de Natura Animalium . Gellius , lib. 3. cap. 16. Servius in Ecl. upon that Verse of Virgil , Matri longa decem , &c. and a thousand other Fools , whose number has been encreased by the Lawyers F. de suis & Legit. l. intestato , S. fin . And in authen . de restitut . & ea . quae patit . in 11 mense . Moreover upon these Grounds have they foisted in their Robidilardick Law , Gallus F. de lib. & post & l. septimo F. de Stat. homin. And some other Laws which at this time I dare not name ; by means whereof the widows may , without danger , play at the close buttock game , with might and main , and as hard as they can for the space of the first two months after the decease of their husbands . I pray you , my good lusty springal lads , if you find any of these females , that are worth the pains of untying the Cod-piece-point , get up , and bring them to me ; for if they happen within the third month to conceive , the child shall be heir to the deceased , and the mother shall pass for an honest woman .

When she is known to have conceived , thrust forward boldly , spare her not whatever betide you , seeing the paunch is full . As Iulia the Daughter of the Emperour Octavian never prostituted her self to her Belly-bumpers , but when she found her self with child ; after the manner of Ships that receive not their Steers-man , till they have their Ballast and Lading . And if any blame the women for that after Pregnancy , they still continue buxome , and push for more ; whereas any beast , a Cow or Mare will kick and flounce , and admit no farther courtship from the Bull or Stallion : The Answer will be , Why , They are Beasts , and know no better . As Populia heretofore answered , according to the relation of Macrobius Lib. 2. Saturnal . If the Devil will not have them to bagge , he must wring hard the Spigot , and stop the Bung hole .

CHAP. IV. How Gargamelle , being big with Gargantua , did eat a huge deal of Tripes .

THE occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed , and delivered of her child , was thus : and if you do not believe it , I wish your bum-gut fall out . Her bum-gut indeed , or fundament escaped her in an afternoon , on the third day of February , with having eaten at dinner to many Godebillios , Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros ; coiros are Beeves fatned in the Ox-stalls , and Guimo meadows ; Guimo meadows are those that may be moved twice a year ; of those fat Beeves they had killed three hundred sixty seven thousand and fourteen , to be salted at Shrovetide ; that in the entring of the Spring they might have plenty of powdred Beef , wherewith to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals , and to taste their Wine the better .

They had abundance of Tripes as you have heard , and they were so delicious , that every one licked his fingers . But as the Devil wou'd have it , there was no possibility to keep them long sweet , and to let them stink was not so commendable or handsom , it was herefore concluded , that they should be all of them gulched up , without any waste . To this effect they invited all the Burghers of Sainais , of Suille , of the Roche Clermand , of Vaugaudry , without omitting the Boudray , Monpensier , the Guedevede , and other their neighbours ; all stiff drinkers , brave fellows , and good players at the kyles . The Goodman Grangousier took great pleasure in their company , and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for any thing : nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly , because she was near her time , and that these Tripes were no very commendable meat ; they would fain ( said he ) be at the chewing of ordure , who eat the bag that contain'd it . Notwithstanding these admonitions , she did eat sixteen quarters , two bushels , three pecks and a pipkin full . What a filthy deal of Lob lolly was here , to swell and wamble in her Guts ?

After Dinner they all went tag-rag together to the willow-grove , where , on the green grass , to the sound of the merry Flutes , and pleasant Bag-pipes , they danced so gallantly , that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolic .

CHAP. V. How they chirped over their Cups .

THEN did they fall upon the chat of Belly-timber and drinking ; and forthwith began Flaggons to go , Gammons to trot , goblets to fly , great bowles to ting , Glasses to ring , draw , reach , fill , mix , give it me without water , so my friend , so , whip me off this Glass neatly , bring me hither some Claret , a full weeping Glass till it run over , a cessation and truce with thirst . Ha thou false Fever , wilt thou not be gone ? By my Figgins , Godmother , I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry , nor drink so currently as I would ; you have catcht a cold , Gammer ; yea forsooth , Sir ; by the belly of Sanct Buff let us talk of our drink , I never drink but at my hours , like the Popes Mule ; and I never drink but in my Breviary , like good father Gardien . Which was first , thirst or drinking ? Thirst , for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without being a thirst ? nay , Sir , it was drinking ; for privatio praesupponit habitum . I am learned you see , Faecundi calices quem non fecere disertum ? We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst . Not I truly , who am a sinner , for I never drink without thirst , either present , or future , to prevent it ( as you know ) I drink for the thirst to come ; I drink eternally , this is to me an eternity of drinking , and drinking of an eternity . Let us sing , let us drink , now for a Catch , dust it away , where is my Nogging ? what , it seems I do not drink by Proxy . Do you wet your selves to dry , or do you dry to wet you ? Pish , I understand not the Rhetoric ( Theoric I should say ) but I help my self somewhat by the Practice . Enough ; I sup , I wet , I humect , I moisten my Gullet , I drink , and all for fear of dying ; drink always and you shall never die . If I drink not , I am a-ground , and lost . I am sta●k dead without drink , and my Soul ready to fly into some Marish amongst Frogs ; the Soul never dwells in a dry place , drougth kills it .

O you Butlers , Creators of new Forms , make me of no drinker a drinker , a perennity and everlastingness of sprinkling , and bedewing me through these my parched and sinnewy Bowels . He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it : This entereth into my Veins ; the pissing Tools shall have none on 't . I would willingly wash the tripes of the Calf which I reer'd this morning . I have pretty well now balasted my stomach , if the Papers of my Bonds and Bills could drink as well as I do , my Creditors would have their Hands full . Hold up your dagger-hand ; that hand of yours spoils your Nose . O how many other such will go in here before this go out ; what , drink so shallow ? It is enough to streak both girds and pettrel . This is called a cup of dissimulation .

What difference is there between a Bottle and a Flaggon ? great difference : The Bottle is stopped with a stopple , and Flaccon a vis . Our Fathers drank lustily , and emptied their Cans ; this is Bien chié chanté , Well cack'd , well sung . Come , let us drink : Will you send nothing to the River ? here is one going to wash the Tripes . I drink no more than a spunge . I drink like a Templer Knight . And I tanquam sponsus . And I sicut terra sine aqua . Give me a Synonymon for a Gammon of Bacon ; it is the Compulsory of drinkers ; it is a Pully ; by a Pully-rope Wine is let down into a Cellar , and by a Gammon into the Stomach . Ha now Boys hither ; some drink some drink ; there is no trouble in it . Respice personam ; pone pro duos , bus non est in usu . If I could get up as well as I can swallow down , I had been long e'er now very high in the Air.

Thus became Tom toss-pot rich : Thus went in the Taylor 's stitch : Thus did Bacchus conquer the India : Thus Philosophy , Melinde . A little Rain allays a great deal of Wind ; long tipling breaks the Thunder . But if there came such liquor from my Buttock , would you not suck the Udder ? Here , Page , fill , I prethee forget me not when it comes to my turn ; and I will enter the Election I have made of thee into the very Register of my heart . Sup Simon ; pull away , there is somewhat in the Pot. I appeal from thirst , and disclaim its Jurisdiction . Page , sue out my Appeal in form . This remnant is the bottom of the Glass must follow its Leader . I was wont heretofore to drink out all , but now I leave nothing . Make not such haste ; we must carry all along with us . Ha day , here are tripes fit for our sport ; Godebillios of the dun Oxe with the blach streak . O for God's sake let us lash them soundly , yet thriftily . Drink , or I will , No , no , drink I beseech you ; Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail ; nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to . Lagonaedatera , there is not a Cunniborow in all my Body , where this Wine doth not ferret out my thirst . Ho , this will bang it soundly ; but this shall banish it utterly . Let us make Proclamation by the sound of Flaggons and Bottles , that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it . Long spits are to be voided without doors . The great God made the Planets , and we make the Platters neat . I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth , Sitio . The stone called Asbestos , is not more unquenchable , then the thirst of my Paternity . Appetite comes with eating , says Angeston ; but the thirst goes away with drinking . I have a remedy against thirst , quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad Dog : Keep running after a Dog , and he will never bite you , drink always before the thirst , and it will never come upon you . There I catch you , I awake you . Argus had a hundred Eyes for his sight ; a Butler should have ( like Briareus ) a hundred hands wherewith to fill us Wine indefatigably . Ha now Lads , let us wet , it will be time to dry hereafter . White Wine here , Wine Boys , pour out all , par le Diable , fill , I say , fill and fill till it be full . My tongue peels . Lanstrinque , to thee Countryman , I drink to thee good Fellow , Camrade to thee , lusty , lively , ha , la , la , that was drunk to some purpose , and bravely gulped over . O lachryma Christi , it is of the best Grape ; I faith , pure Greek , Greek , O the fine white Wine , upon my Conscience it is a kind of Taff●tas Wine , him , him , it is of one ear , well wrought , and of good Wooll . Courage Camrade , up thy Heart , Billy , we will not be Beasted at this bout , for I have got one trick , ex hoc in hoc , there is no Enchantment nor Charm there , every one of you hath seen it , my Prentiship is out , I am a free Man at this Trade . I am an Abbot ( Pshaw I should say ) O the drinkers , those that are a dry ; O poor thirsty Souls ! Good Page , my Friend , fill me here some , and crown the Cup , I prethee , á la Cardinale ; Natura abhorret vacuum . Would you say that a fly could drink in this ? A la mode de Bretagne . Clear off , neat , supernaculum , swill it over heartily , no deceit in a Brimmer ; Nectar and Ambrosia .

CHAP. VI. How Gargantua was born in a strange manner .

WHilst they were on this Discourse , and pleasant Tattle of drinking , Gargamelle began to be a little unweil in her lower Parts ; whereupon Grangousier arose from off the Grass , and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly ; suspecting that she was in Travel , and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the Grass under the Willows ; because she was like very shortly to see young feet ; and that therefore it was convenient she should pluck up her Spirits , and take a good Heart at the new coming of her Baby ; saying to her withal , that although the pain was somewhat grievous to her , it would be but of short continuance ; and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow , in such sort that she should not so much as remember it . On with a Sheep ; courage ( quoth he ) dispatch this Boy , and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another . Ha ( said she ) so well as you speak at your own ease , you that are Men ; well then , in the name of God , I 'll do my best , seeing you will have it so ; but would to God that it were cut off from you : What ? ( said Grangousier ) Ha ( said she ) you are a good Man indeed , you understand it well enough . What my member ? ( said he ) Udrookers , if it please you , that shall be done instantly ; cause bring hither a Knife . Alas , ( said she ) the Lord forbid , I pray Jesus to forgive me , I did not say it from my Heart , do it not any kind of harm , neither more nor less for my speaking : But I am like to have work enough to day , and all for your Member , yet God bless both you and it .

Courage , courage ( said he ) take you no care of the matter , let the four foremost Oxon do the work I will yet go drink one whiffe more , and if in the mean time any thing befal you , I will be so near , that at the first whistling in your fist , I shall be with you . A little while after she began to groan , lament and cry , then suddenly came the Midwives from all quarters , who groping her below , found some Peloderies of a bad savour indeed ; this they thought had been the Child ; but it was her Fundament that was slipt out with the molification of her Intestinum rectum , which you call the Bumgut ; and that meerly by eating of too many tripes , as we have shewed you before : Whereupon an old ugly trot in the Company , who was reputed a notable Physician , and was come from Brispaille near to Saint Gnou threescore Years before , made her so horrible a restrictive , and binding Medicine , whereby all her Arse-pipes were so opilated , stopped , obstructed and contracted , that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your Teeth : Which is a terrible thing to think upon ; seeing the Devil at Mass at Saint Martins was puzled with the like Task ● when with his Teeth he lengthened out the Parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy Whores .

The effect of this was , that the Cotyldons of her Matrix were all loosened above , through which the Child sprung up and leapt , and so entering into the Vena cava , did climb by the Diaphragm even above her Shoulders ( where that Vein divides it self into two ) and from thence taking his way towards the left side , issued forth at her left Ear. As soon as he was born , he cried not as other Babes use to do , miez , miez , miez , miez , but with a high , sturdy and big voice shouted aloud , Some drink , some drink , some drink , as inviting all the World to drink with him ; the noise hereof was so extreamly great , that it was heard in both the Countries at once , of Beauce and Bibarois . I doubt me that you do not throughly believe the truth of this strange Nativity , though you believe it not I care not much : But an honest Man , and of good judgment believeth still what is told him , and that which he finds written .

Is this beyond our Law , or our Faith ? against Reason or the Holy Scripture ? For my part , I fi●d nothing in the Sacred Bible that is against it ; but tell me if it had been the Will of God , would you say that he could not do it ? Grammercy ; I beseech you never Dum-found or Embarrass your Heads with these idle Conceits : For I tell you , it is not impossible with God ; and , if he pleased , all Women henceforth should bring forth their Children at the Ear : Was not Bacchus engendred out of the very Thigh of Iupiter ? Did not R●quetaillade come out at his Mothers heel ? and Crocmoush from the slipper of his Nurse ? Was not Minerva born of the Brain , even through the Ear of Iove ? Adonis of the Ba●k of a Myrrh-tree ? and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egge which was laid and hatched by Leda ? But you would wonder more , and with far greater amazement , if I should now present you with that Chapter of Plinius , wherein he treateth of strange Births , and contrary to nature ; and yet am not I so impudent a Lyar as he was . Read the seventh Book of his Natural History , chap. 4. and trouble not my head any more about this .

CHAP. VII . After what manner Gargantua had his Name given him ; and how he tippled , bibbed and curried the Can.

THE good Man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest , heard the horrible noise which his Son had made as he entered into the Light of this World , when he cried out , Some drink , some drink , some drink ; whereupon he said in French , Que grand tuas & souple le gousier , that is to say , How great and nimble a throat thou hast ; which the Company hearing , said , that verily the Child ought to be called Gargantua ; because it was the first word that after his birth his Father had spoke in imitation , and at the Example of the ancient Hebrews ; whereunto he condescended , and his Mother was very well pleased therewith ; in the mean while , to quiet the Child , they gave him to drink a tirelarigot , that is , till his throat was like to crack with it ; then was he carried to the Font , and there baptized , according to the manner of good Christians .

Immediately thereafter were appointed for him Seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirteen Cows of the Towns of Pautille and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordinary ; for it was impossible to find a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Country , considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment : although there were not wanting some Doctors of the Opinion of Scotus ; who affirmed that his own Mother gave him suck , and that she could draw out of her Breasts one Thousand four hundred two Pipes and nine Pails of milk at every time .

Which indeed is not probable , and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender Ears , for that it favoured a little of Heresie : Thus was he handled for one Year and ten Months , after which time , by the Advice of Physicians , they began to carry him Abroad , and then was made for him a fine little Cart drawn with Oxen , of the Invention of Ian Denio ; wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy , and he was worth the seeing ; for he was a fine Boy , had a burly Physiognomy , and almost ten Chins ; he cried very little , but beshit himself every hour : For to speak truly of him , he was wonderfully flegmatic in his Posteriors , both by reason of his natural Complexion , and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral Juice . Yet without a cause did not he sip one drop ; for if he happened to be vexed , angry , displeased or sorry ; if he did fret , if he did weep , if he did cry , and what grievous quarter soever he kept , bring him some drink , he would be instantly pacified , come to his own Temper , be in a good humour again , and as still and quiet as ever . One of his Governesses told me ( swearing by her Fig ) how he was so accustomed to this kind of way , that , at the sound of Pints and Flaggons , he would on a sudden fall into an Ecstacy , as if he had then tasted of the Joys of Paradise ; so that they upon consideration of this his divine Complexion , would every Morning to chear him up , play with a Knife upon the Glasses , on the Bottles with their stopples , and on the Pottle-pots with their lids and covers , at the sound whereof he became gay , did leap for joy , would loll and rock himself in the Cradle , then nod with his head , monocordising his Fingers , and barytonising with his Tail .

CHAP. VIII . How they Apparelled Gargantua .

BEing of this Age , his Father ordained to have Clothes made to him in his own Livery , which was White and Blew . To work then went the Taylors , and with great expedition were those Clothes made , cut and sewed , according to the Fashion that was then in vogue . I find by the ancient Records , to be seen in the Chamber of Accounts at Montforeo , that he was accounted in manner as followeth . To make him every Shirt of his , were taken up Nine hundred Ells of Chetelero Linnen , and Two hundred for the Guissets , in manner of Cushions , which they put under his Arm-pits ; his Shirt was not gathered nor plaited , for the plaiting of Shirts was not found out , till the Seamstresses ( when the point of their Needles was broken ) began to work and occupy with the tail . There were taken up for his Doublet , Eight hundred and thirteen Ells of white Sattin , and for his Points Fifteen hundred and nine Dogs Skins and a half . Then was it that Men began to tie their Breeches to their Doublets , and not their Doublets to their Breeches ; for it is against Nature , as hath most amply been shewed by Ocham upon the Explonibles of Master Hautechaussade .

For his Breeches were taken up Eleven hundred and five Ells , and a third of white broad Cloath . They were cut in form of Pillars , chamfred , channel'd , and pinked behind , that they might not overheat his Reins : And were within the panes , puffed out with the lining of as much blew Damask as was needful ; and remark , that he had very good Knee-rowlers , proportionable to the rest of his stature .

For his Cod-piece were used Sixteen Ells and a quarter of the same Cloath , and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant Arch , most gallantly fastened with two enamell'd Clasps , in each of which was set a great Emerauld , as big as an Orange ; for , as says Orpheus lib. de lapidibus , and Plinius lib. ultimo , it hath an erective Vertue and comfortative of the natural Member . The J●ct or out-standing of his Codpiece , was of the length of a yard , jagged and pinked , and withal bagging , and strouting out with the blew damask Lining , after the manner of his Breeches : but had you seen the fair Embroidery of the small Needle-work purl , and the curiously interlaced Knots , by the Goldsmiths Art , set out and trimmed with rich Diamonds , precious Rubies , fine Turquoises , costly Emeraulds and Persian Pearls : You would have compared it to a fair Cornucopia , or Horn of abundance , such as you see in Antics , or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs , Amalthea and Ida , the Nurses of Iupiter .

And like to that Horn of Abundance , it was still gallant , succulent , droppy , sappy , pithy , lively , always flourishing , always fructifying , full of Juice , full of Flower , full of Fruit , and all manner of delight . Blessed Lady ! 'T would have done one good to have seen it : But I will tell you more of it in the Book which I have made of the Dignity of Codpieces . One thing I will tell you , that as it was both long and large , so was it well furnished and provided within , nothing like unto the Hypocritical Codpieces , of some fond Wooers and Wench-courters , which are stuffed only with wind , to the great prejudice of the female Sex .

For his Shooes , were taken up four hundred and six Ells of blew Crimson-velvet , and were very neatly cut by parallel Lines , joyned in uniform Cylinders : For the soling of them were made use of Eleven hundred Hides of brown Cows , shapen like the tail of a Keeling .

For his Coat were taken up Eighteen hundred Ells of blew Velvet , died in grain , embroidered in its Borders with fair Gilliflowers , in the middle decked with silver Purle , intermixed with plates of Gold , and store of Pearls , hereby shewing , that in his time he would prove an especial good Fellow , and singular Whip can .

His Girdle was made of Three hundred Ells and a half of silken Serge , half white and half blew , if I mistake it not . His Sword was not of Valentia , nor his Dagger of Saragosa , for his Father could not endure these Hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos ; but he had a fair Sword made of Wood , and the Dagger of boiled Leather , as well painted and gilded as any Man could wish .

His Purse was made of the Cod of an Elephant , which was given him by Herre Praecontal , Proconsul of Lybia .

For his Gown were employed Nine thousand six hundred Ells , wanting two thirds , of blew Velvet , as before , all so diagonally purled , that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed Colour , like that you see in the Necks of Turtle-doves or Turkey-cocks , which wonderfully rejoyceth the Eyes of the Beholders . For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up Three hundred two Ells , and a Quarter of white Velvet , and the form thereof was wide and round , of the bigness of his Head ; for his Father said , that the Caps of the Mirabaise fashion , made like the Cover of a Pasty , would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them . For his Plume , he wore a fair great blew Feather , plucked from an Onocrotal of the Country of Hircania the wild , very prettily hanging down over his right Ear : For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried , he had in a Cake of Gold , weighing threescore and eight Marks , a fair piece of Enamell'd , wherein was portrayed a Man's Body with two Heads , looking towards one another , four Arms , four Feet , two Arses , such as Plato in Symposio says , was the mystical beginning of Man's Nature ; and about it was written in Ionic Letters , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 .

To wear about his Neck , he had a golden Chain , weighing Twenty five thousand and sixty three Marks of Gold , the link thereof being made after the manner of great Berries , amongst which were set in work green Jaspers ingraven , and cut Dragon like , all invironed with Beams and Sparks , as King Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them , and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his Belly , whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long , as the Greek Physicians knew well enough . For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters Skins , and three of Laugarous or Men-eating Wolves , for the bordering of them : And of this stuff were they made , by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlono . As for the Rings which his Father would have him to wear to renew the ancient mark of Nobility : He had on the fore-finger of his left hand a Carbuncle as big as an Ostrige's Egg , inchased very daintily in Gold of the fineness of a Turkie Seraph . Upon the middle finger of the same hand , he had a Ring made of four Metals together , of the strongest fashion that ever was seen ; so that the steel did not crash against the Gold , nor the Silver crush the Copper . All this was made by Captain Chappins , and Alcofribas his Operator . On the Medical Finger of his Right-hand , he had a Ring made Spire-ways , wherein was set a perfect baleu Ruby , a pointed Diamond , and a Poison Emerauld of an inestimable Value ; for Hans-carvel the King of Milinda's Jeweller , esteemed them at the rate of Threescore nine Millions eight hundred ninety four thousand and eighteen French Crowns of Berrie , and at so much did the Iews of Auspurg prize them .

CHAP. IX . The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua .

GArgantua's Colours were White and Blew , as I have shewed you before , by which his Father would give us to understand , that his Son to him was a heavenly Joy , for the White did signifie Gladness , Pleasure , Delight and Rejoicing , and the Blew , Celelestial things . I know well enough , that in reading this you laugh at the old Toaper , and hold this Exposition of Colours to be very extravagant , and utterly disagreeable to reason , because White is said to signifie Faith , and Blew Constancy . But without moving , vexing , heating , or putting you in a chase ( for the Weather is dangerous ) answer me if it please you ; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I use towards you , or any else ; only now and then I will mention a word or two of my Bottle .

What is it that induceth you ? What stirs you up to believe , or who told you that White signifieth Faith ; and Blew Constancy ? An old paultry Book , say you , sold by the hawking Pedlars and Balladmongers , Entituled , The Blason of Colours : Who made it ? Whoever it was , he was wise in that he did not set his Name to it ; I know not what I should rather admire in him , his Presumption , or his Folly . His Presumption , for that he should without Reason , without Cause , or without any appearance of Truth , have dared to prescribe by private Authority , what things should be denoted and signified by the Colour . Which is the Custom of Tyrants , who will have their Will to bear sway instead of Equity ; and not of the Wise and Learned , who with the evidence of Reason satisfie their Readers .

His Folly and want of Wit , in that he thought , that without any other demonstration or sufficient Argument the World would be pleased to make his blockish and ridiculous Impositions , the rule of their Devices . In effect , according to the Proverb , To shitten Tails , Turd never fails ; he hath found ( it seems ) some simple Ninny in those rude times of old , when high Bonnet were in fashion ; who gave some trust to his Writings , according to which they shaped their Apophthegms and Mottos , trapped and caparisoned their Mules and Sumpter-horses , apparelled their Pages , quarter'd their Breeches , bordered their Gloves , fring'd the Courtains and Vallens of their Beds , painted their Ensigns , composed Songs , and which is worse , placed many deceitful juglings , and unworthy base tricks clandestinely , amongst the chastest Matrons . In the like darkness and mist of Ignorance , are wrapped up these vain-glorious Courtiers , and name-transposers , who going about in their Impresa's , to signifie Espoir , hath portrayed a Sphere : Birds Pens for Pins : Ancholie for Melancholy : A horned Moon or Cressant , to shew the increasing of ones Fortune : A Bench broken , to signifie Bankrupt : Non , and a corslet for non dur habit , otherwise non durabit , it shall not last : Vn lit san ciel , for Vn licenciè ; which are Equivocals so absurd and witless , so barbarous and clownish , that a Fox's Tail should be pinned at his Back , and a Fool 's Cap be given to every one that should henceforth offer , after the restitution of Learning , to make use of any such Fopperies in France .

By the same Reasons ( if Reasons I should call them , and not Ravings rather ) might I cause paint a painer , to signifie that I am in pain : a Pot of Mustard , that my Heart is much tardy ; one pissing upwards for a Bishop ; the bottom of a pair of Breeches for a Vessel full of Farthings ; a Codpiece ( as the English bears it ) for the Tail of a Cod-fish ; and a Dog's Turd , for the dainty Turret , wherein lies the Love of my Sweet-heart .

Far otherwise did heretofore the Sages of Aegypt , when they wrote by Letters , which they called Hieroglyphics , which none understood who were not skilled in the Vertue , Property and Nature of the Things represented by them : Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek composed two Books , and Polyphilus in his Dream of Love set down more : In France you have a taste of them , in the Device or Impresa of my Lord Admiral , which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus . But my little Skiff amongst these unpleasant Gulfs and Shoals , will sail no further , therefore must I return to the Port from whence I came ; yet do I hope one Day to write more at large of these things , and to shew both by Philosophical Arguments and Authorities , received and approved of , by and from all Antiquity , what , and how many Colours there are in Nature , and what may be signified by every one of them , if God save the mould of my Cap , which is my best Wine-pot , as my Grandam said .

CHAP. X. Of that which is signified by the Colours , White and Blew .

THe White therefore signifieth Joy , Solace and Gladness , and that not at random , but upon just and very good Grounds ; Which you may perceive to be true , if laying aside all prejudicate Affections , you will but give ear , to what presently I shall expound unto you .

Aristotle saith , That supposing two things , contrary in their kind , as Good and Evil , Vertue and Vice , Heat and Cold , White and Black , Pleasure and Pain , Joy and Grief : And so of others , if you couple them in such manner , that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the other ; it must follow by consequence , that the other contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred ; as for examples , Vertue and Vice are contrary in one kind , so are Good and Evil ; if one of the contraries of the first kind , be consonant to one of those of the second , as Vertue and Goodness , for it is clear that Vertue is good , so shall the other two contraries ( which are Evil and Vice ) have the same connexion , for Vice is evil .

This Logical Rule being understood , take these two contraries , Joy and Sadness ; then these other two , White and Black , for they are Physically contrary : If so be then that Black do signifie Grief , by good reason then should White import Joy . Nor is this signification instituted by human Imposition , but by the universal consent of the World received , which Philosophers call Ius Gentium , the Law of Nations , or an uncontroulable right , of force in all Countreys whatsoever ; for you know well enough , that all People and all Languages and Nations ( except the ancient Syracusans , and certain Argives , who had cross and thwarting Souls ) when they mean outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow , go in Black ; and all mourning is done with Black , which general consent is not without some Argument and Reason in Nature , the which every Man may by himself very suddenly comprehend , without the Instruction of any ; and this we call the Law of Nature ; By vertue of the same natural Instinct , we know that by White all the World hath understood Joy , Gladness , Mirth , Pleasure and Delight .

In former times , the Thracians and Grecians did mark their good , propitious and fortunate days with white stones ; and their sad , dismal and unfortunate ones with black ; is not the night mournful , sad and melancholic ? it is black and dark by the privation of light ; doth not the light comfort all the World ? and it is more white than any thing else , which to prove , I could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus , but an Evangelical Testimony I hope will content you , Mat. 7. it is said , that at the transfiguration of our Lord , Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux , his apparel was made white like the light ; by which lightsom whiteness he gave his three Apostles to understand the Idea and figure of the eternal Joys ▪ for by the light are all Men comforted , according to the Word of the old Woman , who although she had never a tooth in her head , was wont to say , Bona lux : and Tobit , chap. 5. after he had lost his sight , when Raphael saluted him , answered , What Ioy can I have , that do not see the Light of Heaven ? In that colour did the Angels testifie the Joy of the whole World , at the Resurrection of our Saviour , Iohn 20. and at his Ascension , Acts 1. with the like colour of Vesture did St. Iohn the Evangelist , Apoc. 4.7 . see the faithful Clothed in the Heavenly and Blessed Ierusalem .

Read the Ancient both Greek and Latin Histories , and you shall find that the Town of Alba ( the first Patron of Rome ) was founded , and so Named by Reason of a White Sow , that was seen there . You shall likewise find in those stories , that when any Man , after he had Vanquished his Enemies , was by decree of the Senate , to enter into Rome , triumphantly , he usually rode in a Chariot , drawn by White-Horses : Which in the Ovation , Triumph , was also the custom ; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the Joy of their coming , as by the White : You shall there also find , how Paricles , the Generals of the Athenians , would needs have that part of his Army , unto whose Lot befel the White Beans , to spend the whole Day in Mirth , Pleasure and Ease , whilst the rest were a Fighting . A thousand other Examples and Places could I alledge to this Purpose , but that it is not here , where , I should do it .

By understanding hereof , you may resolve one Problem , which Alexander Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable , why the Lion who with his only Cry and Roaring , affrights all Beasts , dreads and feareth only a White Cock ? for ( as Proclus saith , libro de Sacrificio & Magia , ) it is because the Presence , of the Vertue , of the Sun ; which is the Organ and Promptuarie , of all terrestrial and Syderial light doth more Symbolize , and agree with a White Cock , as well in regard of that colour , as of his Property and Specifical quality , then with a Lion . He saith furthermore , that Devils have been often seen in the shape of Lions , which at the sight of a White Cock have presently vanished . This is the cause why the Gauli , Gauls or Galathians ( so are the Frenchmen called , because they are naturally white as Milk , which the Greeks call Gala ) do willingly wear in their Caps white Feathers ; for by Nature they are of a candid disposition , merry , kind , gracious and well-beloved , and for their Cognizance and Arms have the whitest Flower of any , the Flower de Luce or Lilie .

If you demand , how by White , Nature would have us understand Joy and Gladness ? I answer , that the Analogy and Uniformity is thus , for as the White doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the Sight , whereby the Optic Spirits are manifestly dissolved , according to the Opinion of Aristotle in his Problems and perspective Treatises ; as you may likewise perceive by Experience , when you pass over Mountains covered with Snow , how you will complain that you cannot see well ! as Xenophon writes to have happened to his Men , and as Galen very largely declareth , lib. 10. de usu partium : Just so the Heart with excessive Joy is inwardly dilated , and suffereth a manifest dissolution of the vital Spirits ; which may go so far on , that it may thereby be deprived of its Nourishment , and by consequence of Life it self . By this Pericharie or extremity of Gladness , as Galen saith , lib. 12. method . lib. 5. de locis affectis , & lib. 2. de symptomatum causis . And as it hath come to pass in former times , witness Marcus Tullius lib. 1. quaest. Tuscui . Verrius , Aristotle , Titus Livius in his relation of the Battle of Canna , Plinius lib. 7. cap. 32. & 34. A. Gellius lib. 3. cap. 15. and many other Writers of Diagoras the Rhodian , Chilon , Sophocles , Dionysius the Tyrant of Sicily , Philippides , Philemon , Polycrates , Philipion , M. Iuventi ; and others who died with Joy , and as Avicen speaketh , in 2. Canon . & lib. de virib . cordis , of the Saffron , that it doth so rejoice the Heart , that if you take of it excessively , it will by an excessive dissolution and dilatation , deprive it altogether of Life , Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus lib. 1. Probl. cap. 19. and that for a cause : But what ? it seems I am entred further into this point then I intended at the first : here therefore will I strike Sail , referring the rest to that Book of mine , which handleth this matter to the full . Mean while , in a word I will tell you , that Blew doth certainly signifie Heaven and heavenly Things , by the same very tokens and symbols , that White signifieth Joy and Pleasure .

CHAP. XI . Of the youthful age of Gargantua .

GArgantua , from three Years upwards unto five , was brought up and Instructed , in all Convenient Discipline , by the Commandment of his Father ; and spent that time like the other little Child●en of the Countrey ; that is , in Drinking , Eating and Sleeping , in Eating , Sleeping and Drinking , and in Sleeping , Drinking and Eating : Still he wallowed and rowled up and down himself in the mire , and dirt ; he blurred and sullied his nose with Filth , he blotted and smutch't his Face with any kind of nasty stuffe , he trode down his Shooes in the Heel , lay with his Mouth open to Catch Gnats , and ran a hawking after the Butterflies ; the Empire whereof belonged to his Father . He pissed in his Shoes , shit in his Shirt , and wiped his nose on his sleeve : He did let his Snot and Snivel fall in his Pottage , and dabled , padled and slabbered every where . He would drink in his Slipper , and ordinarily rub his Belly against a Panier : He wou'd pick his Teeth , with a wooden Shoe ; wipe his breech with his Finger , washed his Hands in his Broth , and combed his Head with a broken Ladle . He would sit down betwixt two stools and his Arse to the ground ; would cover himself with a wet sack , drink in his Potage , gnaw the bone he cou'd not swallow , eat his Cake without bread , bite laughing , and laugh biteing , spit in the dish , fart in his fist , piss against the wind ; and hide himself in the Water for fear of Rain : He would strike before the Iron was hot , would blow in the dust till it fill'd his Eyes : Be often in the dumps , and frig and wriggle it . He would flay the Fox , say the Apes Paternoster , would Run at Mutton , and turn the Hogs to the Hay . He would beat the Dogs before the Lion ; put the Plough before the Oxen ; and claw where it did not itch . He would leap before he looked , at Midsummer-Moon , spend his Michaelmas Rent : And take misreckoning for good payment . By griping , all would hold fast nothing , and always eat his white bread first . He shoo'd the Geese , tickled himself to make himself laugh , was Cook-Ruffing in the Kitching , would sing Magnificat at Matines , and found it was an Enemy of God , would turn to account . He would eat Cabbage , and shite Colly-flowers ; catch Fish in a Dish of Milk , and make them all Cripples : He would tear the Paper : Race the Records , then trust his heels for his security : He would pull at the Kids-leather , or vomit up his Dinner , then reckon without his Host : He would beat the Bushes without catching the Birds , thought the Moon was made of green Cheese , and that every thing was Gold that glisters . He would sooner go to the Mill than to Mass ; took a Bit in the Morning to be better than nothing all day ; would eat his Cake and have his Cake ; and was better fed than taught ; he always looked a given Horse in the Mouth ; would tell a Tale of a Tub ; throw the Helm after the Hatchet ; when the Steed was stoln , would shut the Stable-door , and bring his Hogs to a Fair Market : By robbing Peter he payed Paul , he kept the Moon from Wolves , and was ready to catch Larks , if ever the Heavens should fall : He did make of Necessity Vertue , of such Bread such Pottage , and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven : Every Morning he did cast up his gorge , his Fathers little Dogs eat out of the Dish with him , and he with them : He would bite their Ears , and they would scratch his Nose : He would blow in their Arses , and they would lick his chaps .

But hearken good Fellows , may ye be sick of the Mulligrubs , with eating chopt Hay , if now ye do not listen : This little Lecher was always groping his Nurses and Governesses , upside down , arswise , topsiturvy , harribourr quet , with a Yacco haic , hyck-gio , handling them very rudely in jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going ; for he had already begun to exercise the Tools , and put the Codpiece in practice ; which Codpiece his Governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair Nosegays , curious Ribbans , sweet Flowers , and fine silken Tufts , and very pleasantly would pass their time , in taking , you know what , between their Fingers , and dandling it like a little Baby ; then did they burst out in laughing , when they saw it lift up its ears , as if the sport had liked them . One of them would call it her Pillicock , her Fiddle-diddle , her Staff of Love , her Tickle-gizzard , her Gentle-tilter . Another , her Sugar-plum , her Kingo , her old Rowley , her Touch-tripe , her Flap-dowdle . Another again , her Branch of Coral , her Placket-racket , her Cyprian Scepter , her Tit bit , her Bob Lady . And some of the other Women would give these Names , My Roger , my Cockatoo , my Nimble-wimble , Bush-beater , Claw-buttock , Eves-dropper , Pick-lock , Pioneer , Bully-ruffin , Smell-smock , Trouble-gusset , my lusty Live Saucage , my Crimson Chitterlin , Rump-splitter , Shove-devel , downright to 't , stiff and stout , in and to , at-her-agen , my Cony-borow-ferret , Wily-beguiley , my pretty Rogue ; It belongs to me , said one : It is mine , said the other : What , quoth a third , shall I have no share in it ? by my faith I will cut it off then , Ha , to cut it off , ( said the other , ) would be a scurvy business : Madam , is it your way to cut off little Childrens things ; were his cut off , he would be then Master bob , that he might play and sport himself , after the manner of the other little Children of the Country , they made him a goodly whirle-gig of the wings of the windmil of Myrebalais .

CHAP. XII . Of Gargantua's wooden Horses .

AFterwards , that he might be all his life-time a good Rider , they made for him a fair great Horse of wood , which he did make leap , curvet , yerk out behind , and skip forwards , all at a time , to pace , trot , rack , gallop , amble , to play the hobbie , the hackney-guelding , go the gate of the Camel , and of the wild Asss : He made him also change his colour of Hair , as the Monks of Coultibo ( according to the variety of their holy-days ) use to do their Clothes , from Bay , Brown , to Sorrel , Daple-gray , Mouse-dun , Deer-colour , Roan , cow-colour , gingioline , skued-colour , pybal'd , and the colour of the savage Elk.

Himself of an huge big post , made a hunting Nag ; and another for daily service , of the beam of a Vine-press ; and of a great Oak , made up a Mule , with housson for his Chamber . Besides this , he had ten or twelve spare Horses and seven Horses for post ; and all these were lodged in his own Chamber , close by his bed-side . One day the Lord of Breadinbag , came to visit Gargantua's Father ; in great bravery , and with a gallant train ; and at the same time , to see him , came likewise the Duke of Frie meale , and the Earle of Wetgullet . The House , truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow , but especially the Stables . Whereupon the Stewards and Gentlemen of Horse to the Lord Breadinbag ( to know if there were any other empty stables in the house ; ) came to Gargantua , a little young lad , and secretly asked him where the Stables of the great Horses were , thinking that Children would be ready to tell all . And then he led them up along the stairs of the Castle , passing by the second Hall unto a broad great Gallery , by which they entered into a large Tower , and as they were going up at another pair of stairs , said the Gentleman of Horse to the Steward , this Child deceives us , for the Stables are never on the top of the House . You may be mistaken ( said the Steward , ) for I know some places at Lyons , at the Basmette , at Chaunon , and elsewhere , which have their Stables at the very tops of the Houses ; so it may be , that behind the Houses there is a way to come to this ascent ; but I will question him further : Then said he to Gargantua , my pretty little boy , whither do you lead us ? to the stable ( said he ) of my great Horss , we are almost come to it , we have but these stairs to go up at ; then leading them along another great Hall , he brought them into his chamber , and opening the door said unto them , this is the stable that you ask for , this is my gennet , this is my gelding , this is my courser , and this my pad ; and laid on them with a great Cudgel , I will bestow upon you ( said he ) this Frizeland horse : I had him from Francfort , yet will I give him you ; for he is a pretty little Nag , and will go very well , with a Cast of Gosehawk , half a dozen Spaniels , and a Brace of Grey-hounds ; thus are you King of the Hares and Patridges for all this Winter . By St. Iohn ( said they ) what a couple of Puts has he made us ? what Monkeys ? Hold , hold , Gentlemen , said he , you must show your Tails 'ere ye pass for Monkeys . Judge you now , whether they had most cause , either to hide their heads for shame , or to laugh for company ; as they were going down again thus amazed , he asked them , Will you have a whimwham ? What is that , said they ? It is ( said he ) five turds to make you a muzzel : To day ( said the Steward ) though we happen to be rosted , we shall not be burnt , for we are pretty well basted and larded in my opinion . O my jolly daper boy , thou hast given us a Gudgeon , I hope to see thee Pope before I die : I think so ( said he ) my self ; and then shall you be a Puppy , and this gentle popinjeay pop into some Office under me . Well , well ( said the Gentleman of the Horse . ) But ( said Gargantua ) guess how many stitches there are in my Mothers Smock : Sixteen ( quoth the Gentleman ) You do not speak Gospel ( said Gargantua ) for there is sent before , and sent behind , and you did reckon them ill , considering the two under holes : When ( said the Gentleman ) Even then ( said Gargantua ) when they made a shovel of your Nose to take up a quarter of dirt , and of your Throat a Funnel , wherewith to put it into another Vessel , because the bottom of the old one was out . Cocksbod ( said the steward ) we have met with a Prater . Farewel ( Master tatler ) God keep you from harm , now your mouth is so mellow .

Thus going down in great haste , under the Arch of the Stairs , they let fall the great Leaver , which he had put upon their backs ; whereupon Gargantua said , what a Divel , you are ( it seems ) but bad horsemen , that suffer your bilder to fail you , when you need him most . If you were to go from hence to Chausas , whether had you rather ride on a Goose , or lead a Sow in a Leash ? I had rather drink ( said the Gentleman of Horse ) with this they entered into the lower●Hall , where the company was , and relating to them this new Story , made them laugh like a swarm of Flies .

CHAP. XIII . How Gargantua's wonderful Understanding became known to his Father Grangousier , by the Invention of a Torchcul , or Wipe-breech .

ABout the end of the Fifth Year , Grangousier returning from the Conquest of the Canarians , went by the way to see his Son Gargantua ; there was he filled with Joy , as such a Father might be at the sight of such a Child of his . And whilst he kist him and embrac'd him , he asked many childish Questions of him about divers matters , and drank very freely with him and with his Governesses , of whom in great earnest , he asked among other things , whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet ? To this Gargantua answered , that he had taken such a course for that himself , that in all the Country there was not to be found a cleanlier Boy then he . How is that ( said Grangousier ) I have ( answer'd Gargantua ) by a long and curious Experience found out a means to wipe my Bum , the most Lordly , the most Excellent , and the most Convenient that ever was seen : What is it ? ( said Grangousier ) how is it ? I will tell you by and by ( said Gargantua ) once I did wipe me with a Gentlewomans Velvet Mask , and found it to be good ; for the softness of the Silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my Fundament . Another time with one of their Hoods , and in like manner that was comfortable : At another time with a Ladies Neck-kerchief , and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson Sattin , but there was such a number of golden Spangles in them ( turdy round things , a Pox take them ) that they fetched away all the Skin off my Tail with a vengeance . Now I wish St. Anthony's Fire burn the Bumgut of the Goldsmith that made them , and of her that wore them . This hurt I cured by wiping my self with a Pages Cap , garnished with a Feather after the Switzers fashion .

Afterwards , in dunging behind a bush , I found a March-Cat , and with it wiped my Breech , but her Claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my Perinee ; of this I recovered the next Morning thereafter , by wiping my self with my Mother's Gloves , of a most excellent Perfume and Scent of the Arabian Benin . After that I wiped me with Sage , with Fennil , with Anet , with Marjoram , with Roses , with Gourd-Leaves , with Beets , with Colewort , with Leaves of the Vine-tree , with Mallows , Wool-blade ( which is a Tail-scarlet ) with Lettice and with Spinage Leaves . All this did very great good to my Leg. Then with Mercury , with Pursly , with Nettles , with Comfrey ; but that gave me the Bloody Flux of Lumbardy , which I healed by wiping me with my Braguette . Then I wiped my Tail in the Sheets , in the Coverlet , in the Curtains , with a Cushion , with Arras Hangings , with a green Carpet , with a Table-cloath , with a Napkin , with a Handkerchief , with a Combing-cloath , in all which I found more Pleasure than do the Mangy Dogs when you rub them . Yea , but ( said Grangousier ) which Torchecul didst thou find to be the best ? I was coming to it ( said Gargantua ) and by and by shall you hear the tu autem , and know the whole Mystery and Knot of the Matter . I wiped my self with Hay , with Straw , with Thatch-rushes , with Flax , with Wooll , with Paper ; but , Tousiours laisse aux couillons esmorche , Qui son ord cul de papier torche . Who his foul Tail with paper wipes , Shall at his Ballocks leave some chips .

What ( said Grangousier ) my little Rogue , hast thou been at the Pot , that thou dost rhime already ? Yes , yes , my Lord the King ( answered Gargantua ) I can rhime out of measure ; I can rhime and chime , and clink till I stink agen . Hark what our Privy says to the Skiters : Shittard Squirtard Crackard Turdous , Thy bung Hath flung Some dung On us . Filthard Cackard Stinkard , St. Anthony fire thy Arsebone , If thy Dirty Toby Thou do not wipe e'er thou be gone .

Will you have any more of it ? Yes , yes ( answer'd Grangousier . ) Then said Gargantua ,

A Roundlay . A shiting , I found yesterday The Tax I to my Arse should pay ; The Bung-hole breath'd so vile a funk , That one would wonder how I stunk : O had but then some brave Signior Brought her to me I waited for , A shiting . I would have cleft her Watergap , And joyn'd it close to my Flipflap ; Whilst she had with her Fingers guarded My foul Nockandrow , all bemerded A shiting .

Now say that I can do nothing , by the Merdi , they are not of my making , but I heard them of this good old Grandam , that you see here , and ever since have retained them in the Budget of my Memory .

Let us return to our Business , said Grangousier : What ( said Gargantua ) to skite ? No ( said Grangousier ) but to wipe our Tail : But ( said Gargantua ) will not you be content to pay a Punchion of Britton-Wine , if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter , and put you to a non-plus ? Yes truely , said Grangousier .

There is no need of wiping ones Tail ( said Gargantua ) but when it is foul ; foul it cannot be unless one have been a skiting ; skite then we must before we wipe our Tails . O my pretty little waggish Boy ( said Grangousier ) what an excellent Wit thou hast ? I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the Belles Lettres , and by G— , for thou hast more Wit than Age.

Now , I prethee , go on in this Bumfodder Discourse ; and , by my Beard , I swear , for one Puncheon thou shall have threescore Pipes , I mean of the good Breton Wine , not that which grows in Britain , but in the good Country of Verron . Afterwards I wiped my Bum ( said Gargantua ) with a Kerchief , with a Pillow , with a Pantoufle , with a Pouch , with a Panier , but that was a wicked and unpleasant wipe-Breech ; then with a Hat ; of Hats , note that some are shorn , and others shaggy , some velveted , others cover'd with taffities and others with sattin , the best of all these is the shaggy Hat , for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter .

Afterwards I wiped my Tail with a Hen , with a Cock , with a Pullet , with a Calves Skin , with a Hare , with a Pigeon , with a Cormorant , with an Attorney's Bag , with a Montero , with a Coif , with a Faulconer's Lure ; but to conclude , I say and maintain ▪ that of all Torcheculs , Arsewisps , Bumfodders , Tail-napkins , Bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches , there is none in the World comparable to the Neck of a Goose , that is well douned , if you hold her head betwixt your Legs : And believe me therein upon mine Honour ; for you will thereby feel in your Nockhole a most wonderful pleasure , both in regard of the softness of the said Doun , and of the temperate heat of the Goose ; which is easily communicated to the Bumgut , and the rest of the Intestines , insofar as to come even to the Regions of the Heart and Brains .

And think not , that the Felicity of the Heroes and Demigods in the Elysian Fields , consisteth either in their Asphodele , Ambrosia , or Nectar , as our old Women here use to say ; but in this ( according to my judgment ) that they wipe their Tails with the Neck of a Goose , holding her Head betwixt their Legs , and such is the Opinion of Master Iohn of Scotland .

CHAP. XIV . How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister .

THE good Man Grangousier , having heard this discourse , was ravish'd with Admiration , considering the high reach , and marvellous understanding of his Son Gargantua , and said to his Governesses . Philip King of Macedon knew the great Wit of his Son Alexander , by his skilful managing of a Horse ; for his Horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly , that none durst adventure to ride him ; after that he had given to his Riders such devillish falls , breaking the Neck of this Man , the other Man's Leg , braining one , and cracking another's Jaw-bone . This by Alexander being considered , one day in the Hippodrome ( which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great Horses ) he perceived that the fury of the Horse proceeded meerly from the fear he had of his own shadow ; whereupon getting on his back , he run him against the Sun , so that the shadow fell behind , and by that means tamed the Horse , and brought him to his hand . Whereby his Father perceiving his marvellous Capacity and divine Insight , caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle ; who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece . After the same manner , I tell you , that by this only discourse , which now I have here had before you with my Son Gargantua ; I know that his Understanding doth participate of some Divinity ; and that if he be well taught , and have that Education which is fitting , he will attain to a supream degree of Wisdom . Therefore will I commit him to some learned Man , to have him indoctrinated according to his Capacity , and will spare no cost .

Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor , called Master Tubal Holophernes , who taught him his ABC , so well , that he could say it by heart backwards ; and about this he was Five Years and three Months .

Then read he to him , Donat , facet , theodolet , and Alanus in parabolis : About this he was Thirteen Years six Months and two Weeks . But you must remark , that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish Characters , and that he wrote all his Books ; for the Art of Printing was not then in use .

And did ordinarily carry a great Pen and Inkhorn , weighing above Seven thousand Quintals , the Pen-case whereof was as big and as long as the great Pillar of Enay ; and the Horn was hanged to it in great Iron Chains , it being of the wideness to hold a Tun of Merchand Ware .

After that was read unto him the Book de modis significandi , with the Commentaries of Hurtbise , of Fasquin , of Tropifeu , of Gaulhaut , of Iohn Calf , of Billonio , of Berlinguandus , and a rabble of others ; and herein he spent more then Eighteen Years and eleven Months , and was so well versed therein , that to try Masteries in School-disputes with his Condisciples , he would recite it by heart backwards : And did sometimes prove on his Fingers ends to his Mother , Quod de modis significandi non erat scientia . Then was read to him the Compost , on which he spent Sixteen Years and two Months . And at that very time , which was in the Year 1420 , his said Praeceptor died of the Pox.

Afterwards he got an old coughing Fellow to teach him , named Master Iobelin Bridé , who read unto him Hugotio , Flebard , Grecism , the Doctrinal , the Pars , the Quid est , the Supplementum , Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis , Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus , Passaventus cum commento ; and Dormi securè for the Holy-days , and other such llke stuff ; by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven .

CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters .

AT the last his Father perceived , that indeed he studied hard , and that although he spent all his time therein , yet for all that did he profit nothing ; but which is worse , grew thereby a Fool , a Sot , a Doult and Block-head ; whereof making a heavy complaint to Don Philip of Marays , Viceroy of Papeligosse , he found that it were better for his Son to learn nothing at all , then to be taught such like Books , under such School-masters , because their Knowledge was nothing but all Trifle , and their Wisdom Foppery , serving only to basterdize good and noble Spirits , and to corrupt the Flower of Youth . That it is so , take ( said he ) any Young Boy of this time , who hath only studied two Years ; if he have not a better Judgment , a better Discourse , and that expressed in better Terms then your Son , with a compleater Carriage and Civility to all manner of persons , account me for ever hereafter a very clounch , and baconslicer of Brene . This pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that it should be done .

At night at supper , the said Don Philip brought in a young Page of his , of Ville-gouges , called Eudemon , so neat , so trim , so handsom in his Apparel , so spruce , with his Hair in so good Order , and so sweet and comely in his behaviour , that he had the resemblance of a little Angel more than of a human Creature . Then he said to Grangousier , Do you see this young Boy ? He is not as yet full twelve years old ; let us try ( if it like you ) what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the Dunces Mateologian of old time , and the young Lads that are now . The Tryal pleased Grangousier , and he commanded the Page to begin . Then Eudemon , asking leave of the Vice-Roy his Master , so to do , with his Cap in his hand , a clear and open countenance , beautiful and ruddy Lips , his Eyes steady , and his Looks fixed upon Gargantua , with a youthful modesty ; standing up strait on his feet , began to commend him ; first for his Vertue and good Manners ; secondly for his knowledg ; thirdly , for his Nobility ; fourthly , for his bodily accomplishments ; and in the fifth place , most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his Father with all due observancy , who was so careful to have him well brought up ; in the end he prayed him , that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the least of his Servants ; for other Favour at that time desired he none of Heaven , but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable Service ; all this was by him delivered with such proper gestures , such distinct Pronunciation , so pleasant a Delivery , in such exquisite fine Terms , and so good Latin , that he seemed rather a Gracchus , a Cicero , an Aemilius of the time past , then a youth of this Age. But all the countenance that Gargantua kept was , that he fell to crying like a Cow , and cast down his Face , hiding it with his Cap , nor could they possibly draw one word from him , no more than a Fart from a dead Ass.

Whereat his Father was so grievously vexed , that he would have killed Master Iobelin , but the said Don Philip with-held him from it by fair persuasions , so that at length he pacifyed his Wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be payed his Wages , that they should wittle him up soundly , Sophister-like , and then give him to all the Devils in Hell : At least ( said he ) to day , shall it not cost him much to his Host , if by chance he should dye as drunk as an Englishman . Master Iobelin being gone out of the house , Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what Schoo●-master they should choose for him , and it was betwixt them resolv'd , that Ponocrates the Tutor of Eudemon should have the charge , and that they should go altogether to Paris , to know what was the study of the young Men of France at that time .

CHAP. XVI . How Gargantua was sent to Paris , and of the huge great Mare that he rode on ; How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce .

IN the same season Fayoles , the fourth King of Numidia , sent out of the Country of Africk to Grangousier , the most hideously great Mare that ever was seen , and of the strangest Form ( for you know well enough ) how it is said , that Africk always is productive of some new thing . She was as big as six Elephants , and had her feet cloven , into toes , like Iulius Caesars horse , with slouch-hanging ears , like the goats in Languedoc , and a little horn on her buttock , she was of a burnt sorel hue , with a little mixture of daple gray spots , but above all she had a horrible tail ; for it was little more or less , then every whit , as great as the Steeple of St. Mark besides Langes ; and squared as that is , with tuffs and hair plaits , wrought within one another , no otherwise then as the beards are upon the ears of corn .

If you wonder at this , wonder rather at the Tails of the Scythian Rams , which weighed above thirty pounds each , and of the Su●ian Sheep , who need ( if ●enaud say true ) a little cart at their heels to bear up their Tail , it is so long and heavy . You Country wenches have no such Tails : And she was brought by Sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the Harbour of Olone in Thalmondois . When Grangousier saw her , Here is ( said he ) what is fit to carry my Son to Paris . So now , in the name of God , all will be well , he will one day be a great Scholar ; were it not for Dunces , we should all be Doctors . The next Morning ( after they had drunk , you must understand ) they took their Journey ; Gargantua , his Pedagogue , Ponoorates , and their Equipage , and with them Eudemon , the young Page ; and because the weather was fair and temperate , his Father caused to be made him a pair of dun boots ; Babin calls them buskins . Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high-way , always making good chear , and and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans , in which place there was a forrest of five and thirty leagues long , and seventeen in breadth , or thereabouts . This Forrest was most horribly , fertile and copious in Dorflies , Hornets and Wasps , so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor Mares , Asses and Horses : But Gargantua's Mare did avenge her self handsomly , of all the out-rages therein committed upon Beasts of her quality , and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion . For as , soon as ever they were entred into the said Forrest , and that the Wasps had given the assault , she drew out her tail , and therewith skirmishing , did so sweep them , that she overthrew all the Wood alongst and athwart , here and there , this way and that way , longwise and sidewise , over and under , and felled every where the wood with as much ease , as a mower doth the grass , in such sort ▪ that never since hath there been there , neither Wood , nor Wasp● : For all the Countrey was h●●●by reduced to a plain champian-Field . Which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold , and said to his company no more but this , Ie trove beauce , I find this pretty ; whereupon that countrey hath been ever since that time called Beauce . But all the breakfast the Mare got that day , was but a little yawning and gaping , in memory , whereof the Gentlemen of Beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping , which they find to be very good , and do spit the better for it . At last they came to Paris , where Gargantua refresh't himself two or three days , making very merry with his folks , and enquiring what Men of learning there ▪ were then in the City and what wine they drunk there .

CHAP. XVII . How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians , and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church .

SOme few days after that they had refresht themselves , he went to see the City , and was beheld of every Body there with great Admiration . For the People of Paris are such Fools , such Puppies and Naturals , that a Jugler , a Carrier of Indulgences , a Sumpter-horse , a Mule with his Bells , a Blind Fidler in the middle of a cross Lane , shall draw a greater confluence of People together , than an Evangelical Preacher . And they prest so hard upon him , that he was constrained to rest himself upon the Steeple of our Lady's Church ; at which place , seeing so many about him , he said with a loud Voice , I believe that these Buzzards will have me to pay them here my Welcom hither , and my Beverage : It is but good reason , I will now give them their Wine , but it shall be only a Par ris , that is , in Sport . Then smiling , he untied his goodly Codpiece , and lugging out his Roger into the open Air , he so bitterly all to bepist them , that he drowned Two hundred and sixty thousand , four hundred and eighteen , besides the Women and little Children .

Some nevertheless of the Company escaped this Piss-flood by meer speed of Foot , who when they were at the higher end of the University , sweating , coughing , spitting and out of breath , they began to swear and curse , some in good hot earnest , and others Par ris , Carimari , Carimara ; Golynoly , Golynolo ; Ods-Bodikins , we are washed Par ris , from whence that City hath been ever since called Paris ; whose name formerly was Leucotia ( as Strabo testifieth , lib. quarto ) which in Greek is Whiteness , because of the white Thighs of the Ladies of that place . And forasmuch as at this imposition of a new name , all the People that were there , swore every one by the Sancts of his Parish , the Parisians , which are patch'd up of all Nations , and all manner of Men , are by Nature good at Swearing , and not a little domineering ; whereupon Ioanninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reverent●arum , thinks that they are called Parisians , from the Greek , as one would say , Bold Talkers .

This done , he considered the great Bells , which were in the said Steeple , and made them ring very harmoniously ; which whilst he was doing , it came into his Mind , that they would serve very well for tingling Tantans to hang about his Mares Neck , when she should be sent back to his Father ( as he intended ) loaded with Brie Cheese and fresh Herring ; and indeed he forthwith carried them to his Lodging . In the mean while there came a Master beggar of the Friars of St. Anthony , for some Hogs Purtenance ; who that he might be heard afar-off , and to make the Bacon shake in the very Chimneys , had a mind to these Bells , and made account to filch them away privily . Nevertheless , he left them behind very honestly , not for that they were too hot , but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage . This was not he of Bourg , for he was too good a Friend of mine .

All the City was in an Uproar , they being ( as you know ) upon any slight occasion , so ready to Uproars and Insurrections , that foreign Nations wonder at the Patience of the Kings of France , who do not by good Justice restrain them from such tumultuous Courses , seeing the manifold inconveniences which thence arise from day to day . Would to God I knew the Shop , wherein are forged these Divisions , and factious Combinations , that I might bring them to light in the confraternities of my Parish . Believe for a truth , that the place wherein the people ( gathered together ) were thus sulfur'd , moiled and bepist , was called Nesle , where then was ( but now is no more ) the Oracle of Leucotia . There was the case proposed , and the inconvenience shewed of carrying away the Bells .

After all their ergos , with their pro and con , it was concluded in Baralipton , that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the Faculty unto Gargantua , to signifie unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the want of those Bells ; and notwithstanding the good reasons given in by some of the University , why this charge was fitter for an Orator than a Sophister , there was chosen for this purpose our Master Ianotus de Bragmardo .

CHAP. XVIII . How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua , to recover the great Bells .

MAster Ianotus , with his Hair cut round as a Dish , his Liripoop on his Head , after the old fashion ; and having sufficiently antidoted his Stomach with Kitchen-Cordials , and holy Water of the Cellar , convoy'd himself to the Lodging of Gargantua , driving before him three red muzled Beadles , and draging after him five or six Artless Masters , all throughly bedagled with the Mire of the Streets . At their entry Ponocrates met them , who was afraid , seeing them so disguised , and thought they had been some Maskers out of their Wits ; which moved him to enquire of one of the said Artless Masters of the Company , what this Mummery meant ? It was answer'd him , that they desired to have their Bells restored to them . As soon as Ponocrates heard that , he ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua , that he might be ready to answer them , and speedily resolve what was to be done . Gargantua being advertised hereof , called apart his School-master Ponocrates , Philotimus Steward of his House , Gymnastes his Esquire , and Eudemon , and very summarily conferred with them , both of what he should do , and what answer he should give . They were all of Opinion , that they should bring them unto the Can-office , and there make them drink like Roysters , and line their Jackets soundly . And that this Cougher might not be puft up with Vain-glory , by thinking the Bells were restored at his Request , they sent ( whilst he was plying the Pot ) for the Major of the Town , the Rector of the Faculty , and the Vicar of the Church , unto whom they resolved to deliver the Bells , before the Sophister had delivered his Commission . After that , in their hearing , he should make his fine Harangue , which was done , and they being come , the Sophister was brought into a full Hall , and began as followeth , in coughing .

CHAP. XIX . The Harangue of Master Jonatus de Bragmardo , for the Recovery of the Bells .

HEM , hem , Gudday Sir , Gudday , & vobis , my Masters , it were but reason that you should restore to us our Bells : for we have great need of them . Hem , hem , aihfuhash , we have oftentimes heretofore refused good Money for them of those of London in Cahors , yea and of those of Bourdeaux in Brie , who would have bought them for the substantific Quality of the elementary Complexion ▪ which is intronisicated in the terrestreity of their quidditative nature , to extraneize the blasting Mists and Whirl winds upon our Vines ; indeed not ours , but these round about us . For if we lose the Liquor of the Grape , we lose all , both Sense and Law . If you restore them unto us at my request , I shall gain by it six Basketful of Sauciges , and a fine pair of Breeches , which will do my Legs a great deal of good , or else they will not keep their promise to me . Ho by gob , domine , a pair of Breeches is good , & vir sapiens non abhorrebit ●am . Ha , ha , a pair of Breeches is not so easily got , I have experience of it my self . Consider , Domine , I have been these Eighteen Days in metagrabolising this brave Speech , Reddite quae sunt Caesaris , Caesari , & quae sunt Dei , Deo . Ibi jacet lepus , by my Faith , Domine , if you will sup with me in camera , by cox body , Charitatis nos faciemus bonum cherubin ; ego occidit unum porcum , & ego habet bonum vino : But of good Wine we cannot make bad Latin . Well , De parte Dei datè nobis bellas nostras ; Hold , I give you in the name of the Faculty , a Sermones de utino , that utinam you would give us our Bells . Vultis etiam pardonos ? per diem vos habebitis , & nihil payabiris .

O Sir Domine , Bellagivaminor nobis ; verily , est bonum vobis . They are useful to every body . If they fit your Mare well , so do they do our Faculty ; Quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus , & similis facta est eis , Psalmo nescio quo . Yet did I quote it in my Note-book ; & est unum bonum Achilles , a good defending Argument , Hem , hem , hem , haikhash ; for I prove unto you that you should give me them . Ego sic argumentor , Omnis bella bellabilis in Bellerio bellando , bellans bellativo , bellare facit , bellabiliter bellantes . Parisius habet bellas ; ergo gluc . Ha , ha , ha , this is spoken to some purpose ; it is in tertio primae , in Darii , or elsewhere . By my soul , I have seen the time that I could play the Devil in arguing , but now I am much failed ; and henceforward want nothing but good Wine , a good Bed , my Back to the Fire , my Belly to the Table , and a good deep dish .

Hei domine , I beseech you , in nomine Patris , Filii & Spiritûs sancti , Amen , to restore unto us our Bells ; and God keep you from evil , and our Lady from Health ; Qui vivit & regnat per omnia secula seculorum , Amen . Hem , hashch●hhawk sash , qzrchremhemhash . Verùm enim vero , quandoquidem , dubio procul , aedepol , quoniam , ità , certé , meus deus filius . A Town without Bells is like a blind Man without a Staff , an Ass without a Crupper , and a Cow without Cymbals ; therefore be assured , until you have restored them unto us , we will never leave crying after you , like a blind Man that hath lost his Staff , braying like an Ass without a Crupper , and making a noise like a Cow without Cymbals . A certain Latinisator dwelling near the Hospital , said once , producing the Authority of one Taponnus , I lye , it was Pontanus the secular Poet , who wish'd those Bells had been made of Feathers , and the Clapper of a Fox-tail , to the End they might have begot a Chronicle in the Bowels of his Brain , when he was about the composing of his carmini-formal Lines ; But Nac petetin petetac , tic , torche Lorgne , more the Deponent saith not . He was declared an Heretic ; We make them as of Wax . And valete & plaudite . Calepinus recensus .

CHAP. XX. How the Sophister carried away his Cloath , and how he had a Suit in Law against the other Masters .

THE Sophister had no sooner ended , but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily , that they had almost split with it , and given up the Ghost , even just as Crassus did , seeing a lubberly Ass eat Thistles ; and as Philemon , who seeing an Ass eat those Figs which were provided for his own dinner , died with force of Laughing . Together with them Master Ionatus fell a laughing too as fast as he could , in which mood of laughing they continued so long , that their Eyes did Water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the Brain , by which these lachrymal Humidities , being prest out , glided through the optic Nerves ; and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitising , and Heraclitus Democritising .

When they had done laughing , Gargantua consulted with the prime of his Retinue , what should be done . There Ponocrates was of Opinion , that they should make this fair Orator drink again , and seeing he had shewed them more Pastime , and made them laugh more than a natural . Fool could have done , that they should give him Ten Basket full of Sauciges , mentioned in his Jolly Harangue , with a pair of Hose , three hundred great Billets for the Fire , five and twenty Hogsheds of Wine , a good large Down-bed , and a deep capacious Dish , which he said were necessary for his old Age.

All this was done as they did appoint ; only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out Breeches fit for his wearing , because he knew not what fashion would best become the said Orator , whether the ma●tingal Fashion , wherein is a spunge-hole with a draw Bridge , for the more easie caguing ; or the fashion of the Mariners , for the greater solace and comfort of his Kidneys ▪ or that of the Switzers , which keeps warm the Belly-tabret ; or round Breeches with strait cannions , having in the Seat a piece like a Cods Tail ; all which considered , for fear of over hea●ing his Reins , he caused to be given him seven Ells of white Cloath for the linings . The Wood was carried by the Porters , the Masters of Arts carried the Sauciges and the Dishes , and Master Ianotus himself would carry the Cloath . One of the said Masters ▪ ( called Iesse Bandouille ) shewed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his Degree and Quality to do so , and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them ▪ Ha , said Ianotus , Blockhead , Blockhead , thou dost not conclude in modo & figura ; for loe , to this end serve the Suppositions , & parva Logicalia : Pannus , pro quo supponit ? Confusè ( said Bandouille ) & distributivè . I do not ask thee ( said Ionatus ) Blockhead , quomodo supponit , but pro qui ? It is Blockhead , pro tibiis meis , and therefore I will carry it , Egomet , sicut suppositum , portat appositum ; so did he carry it away very close , as Patelin did his Cloath . The best was , that when this Cougher in a full Assembly held at the Mathurins , had with great confidence demanded his Breeches and Sauciges , and that they were flatly denied him , because he had them of Gargantua , according to the Informations thereupon taken ; he shewed them that this was gratis , and out of pure liberality , by which they were not in any sort quit of their Promises . Notwithstanding this it was answered him , that he should be content with Reason , without expectation of any other Bribe there . Reason ? ( said Ianotus ) we use none of that here , unlucky Traytors , you are not worth the hanging ; the Earth beareth not more arrant Villains then you are , I know it well enough ; Halt not before Cripples ; I have practised wickedness with you . By God's Rattle I will inform the King of the Enormous Abuses that are forged here , and carried under hand by you , and let me be a Leper if he do not burn you alive like Bougres , Traytors , Heretics and Suducers , Enemies to God and Vertue .

Upon these words they framed Articles against them ; he on the other side cited them to appear : In summ , the Process was retained by the Court , and there it is yet depending . Hereupon the Magisters made a vow , never to rub off the Dirt from either Shooes or Clothes : Master Ianotus with his Adherents , vowed never to blow their Noses , until Judgment were given by a definitive Sentence .

By reason of those Vows , both Parties continue Dirty and Snotty to this Day ; for the Court hath not yet fully looked into all the Proceedings : So that the Judgment is not like to be declar'd till latter Lammas ; that is to say , Never . So you find that they do more then Nature , and contrary to their own Articles : The Articles of Paris maintain , that to God alone belongs infinity , and Nature produceth nothing that is Immortal ; for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engender'd , according to the Saying , Omnia orta cadunt , &c. But these Thick-mist-swallowers make the Suits in Law , depending before them , both Infinite and Immortal ; in doing whereof , they have given occasion to , and verified the Saying of , Chilo the Lacedaemonian , consecrated at Delphos , That Misery goes along with Law-suits , and Suiters are miserable ; for sooner shall they attain to the End of their Lives , than to the Final Decision of their pretended Rights .

CHAP. XXI . The Study of Gargantua , according to the Discipline of his School-masters the Sophisters .

THE first day being thus spent , and the Bells put up again in their own place , the Citizens of Paris , in acknowledgment of this Courtesie , offer'd to maintain and feed his Mare as long as he pleased ; which Gargantua took in good part , and they sent her to graze in the Forest of Biere . I think she is not there now . This done , he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion of Ponocrates ; who first of all appointed that he should do as he was accustom'd , to the end it might be underdood by what means , in so long time , his old Masters had made him such a Sot and Puppy . He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion , that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight or nine a clock , whether it was day or not ( for so had his ancient Governors ordained ) alledging that which David saith ; Vanam est vobis ante lucem surgere . Then did he tumble and toss , wag his Legs and wallow in the Bed sometime , the better to stir up and rouse his vital Spirits , and apparell'd himself according to the Season : But willingly he would wear a great long Gown of thick Freeze , furred with Fox-Skins . Afterwards he combed his Head with a Comb de al-main , which is the four Fingers and the Thumb ; for his Praeceptors had said , That to comb himself otherways , to wash and make himself neat , was to lose time in this World . Then he dung'd , pist , spued , belch'd , crack'd , yawn'd , spitted , cough'd , vexed , sneez'd and snotted himself like an Arch-deacon : And to fortifie against the Fog and bad air , went to breakfast , having some good fried Tripes , fair Rashers on the Coals , good Gamons of Bacon , store of good minc'd Meat , and a great deal of sippet-Brewis , made up of the Fat of the Beef-pot , laid upon Bread , Cheese and chopt Parsley strew'd together .

Ponocrates shew'd him , that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his Bed , unless he had performed some Exercise before-hand : Gargantua answer'd , What have not I sufficiently well exercised my self ? I have wallow'd and roll'd my self six or seven turns in my Bed , before I rose : Is not that enough ? Pope Alexander did so , by the advice of a Iew his Physician , and lived till his dying day in despite of his Enemies . My first Masters have used me to it , saying , That to eat Break-fast made a good memory ; and therefore they drank first . I am very well after it , and dine but the better . And Master Tubal ( who was the first Licentiat at Paris ) told me , That it was not enough to run apace , but to set forth betimes . So the total Welfare of our humidity doth not depend upon drinking , switter , swatter like Ducks , but in being at it early in the Morning . Vnde versus , Lener matin n' est point bon heur , Boire matin est le meilleur . To rise betimes is good for nothing , To drink betimes is Meat and Clothing .

After a good Breakfast he went to Church , and they carried to him in a great Basket , a huge Breviary , weighing what in Grease , Clasps , Parchment and Cover , little more or less than Eleven hundred and six Pounds . There he heard six and twenty or thirty Masses : This while , to the same place came his Mattin-mumbler , muffled up about the Chin , round as an Hoop , and his breath pretty well antidoted with the Vine-tree-sirrup . With him he mumbled all his Kiriels , which he so curiously thumbed and finger'd , that there fell not so much as one Bead of them to the Ground . As he went from the Church they brought him upon a Dray drawn with Oxen , a confused heap of Patinotres of Sante Claude , every one of the bigness of a Hatblock ; and sauntring along through the Cloysters , Galleries or Garden , he riddled over more of them than sixteen Hermites would have done . Then did he study some paltry half-hour with his Eyes fix'd upon his Book ; but ( as the Comedy has it ) His mind was in the Kitchen . Pissing then a whole pot full , he sate down at Table ; and because he was naturally flegmatic , he began his Meal with some dozens of Gammons , dried Neats Tongues , Botargos , Sauciges and such other fore-runners of Wine ; in the mean while , four of his Folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovels full . Immediately after that , he drank a horrible draught of White-Wine for the comfort of his Kidneys . When that was done , he eat according to the Season , Meat agreeable to his Appetite ; and then left off eating when his Belly was like to crack for fulness . As for his drinking , he had in that neither end nor rule ; for he was wont to say , That the limits and bounds of drinking were , that a Man might drink till the Cork of his Shooes swells up half a foot high .

CHAP. XXII . The Games of Gargantua .

THen with a starched phys mumbling over some Scraps of a scurvie grace , he wash't his Hand in fresh wine , pick't his Teeth with the foot of a hog , and talked merrily with his People ; then the Carpet being spred , they brought plenty of Cards , many Dice , with great store and abundance of checkers and chess-boards .

There he played .

At Flusse . At Primero . At the beast . At the rifle . At trump . At the prick and spare not . At the hundred . At the peenie . At the unfortunate Woman . At the fib . At the pass ten . At one and thirty . At post and pair , or even and sequence . At three hundred . At the unlucky man . At the last couple in Hell . At the hock . At the surlie . At the Lanskenet . At the cukoe . At puffe , or let him speak that hath it : At take nothing and throw out . At the marriage . At the frolic or Jack-daw . At the opinion . At who doth the one , doth the other . At the sequences . At the Ivory bundles . At the tarots . At losing load him . At he 's gulled and esto . At the torture . At the handruf . At the click . At honours . At Love . At the chesse . At Reynold the Fox . At the squares . At the cowes . At the Lottery . At the chance or mum-chance . At three dice or maniest bleaks . At the Tables . At the Nivinivinack . At the lurch . At doublets or queens-game . At the failie . At the French Tictac . At the long Tables or Ferkeering . At feldown . At Tods body . At needs must . At the Dames or Draughts . At bob and mow . At primus secundus . At mark-knife . At the keyes . At span-counter . At even and odd . At cross or pile . At ball and huckle-bones . At Ivory balls . At the billiards . At bob and hit . At the Owle . At the charming of the hare . At pull yet a little . At trudgepig . At the Magatapies . At the horn . At the flower Oer Shrove-tide oxe . At the Madge-owlet . At pinch without Laughing . At prickle me tickle me . At the unshoing of the Ass. At the cocksess . At hari hohi. At I set me down . At earle beardie . At the old mode . At draw the spit . At put out . At gossip lend me your sack . At ramcod ball . At thrust out the harlot . At marfeil figs. At nicknamrie . At stick and hole . At boke or him , or flaying the Fox . At the branching it . At trill Madam or graple my Lady . At the Cat selling . At blow the Coal . At the rewedding . At the quick and dead judge . At unoven the iron . At the false clown . At the flints , or at the ninestones . At to the crutch hulch back . At the Sanct is found . At hinch , pinch and laugh not . At the leek . At Bumdockdousse . At the loosegig . At the hoop . At the sow . At belly to belly . At the dales or straths . At the twigs . At the quoits . At I 'm for that . At tilt at weekie . At nine pins . At the cock quintin ▪ At tip and hurle . At the flat bowles . At the veere and tourn . At rogue and ruffian . At bumbatch touch . At the mysterious trough . At the short bowles . At the daple gray . At cock and crank it . At break-pot . At my desire . At twirlie whirlietrill . At the rush bundles . At the short staff . At the whirling gigge At hide and seek , or are you all hid . At the picket . At the blank . At the care sin . At the pilfrers . At prison barres . At have at the nuts . At cherrie-pit . At rub and rice . At whip top . At the casting top . At the hobgobling . At the O wonderful . At the soilile smutchie . At fast and loose . At sutchbreech . At the broom-beesom . At St. Cosme I come to adore thee . At the lustie brown boy . At I take you naping . At fair and softly passeth lent . At the forked oak . At trusse . At the wolfes tail . At bum to busse , or nose in breech . At Geordie give me my lance . At swagaie , waggie or shoggieshou . At stook and rook , shear , and threave . At the birch . At the musse . At the dillie dilli darling . At oxe moudie . At purpose in purpose . At nine less . At blind-man buff . At the fallen bridges . At bridle nick . At the white at buts . At thwack swinge him . At apple , peare , plum . At mumgi . At the toad . At cricket . At the pounding stick . At jack and the box . At the queens . At the trades . At heads and points . At the vine-tree hug . At black be thy fall . At ho the distaff . At Joane Tomson . At the boulting cloth . At the oats seed . At greedi glutton . At the morish dance . At feebi . At the whole frisk and gambole . At battabum , or riding of the while mare . At Hinde the Plowman . At the good mawkin . At the dead beast . At climbe the ladder Billie . At the dying hog . At the salt doup . At the pretty pigeon . At barly break . At the bavine . At the bush leap . At crossing At the hardit arsepursie . At the harrowers nest . At forward hey . At the fig. At gunshot crack . At musteard peel . At the gome . At the relapse . At jog breech , or pricle him forward . At knockpate . At the Cornish cough . At the crane dance . At slash and cut . At bobbing , or the flirt on the nose . At the larks . At fil iping .

After he had thus well play'd , shufl'd , cog'd and thrown away his Time , it was thought fit to drink a little and that was every Man eleven bumpers : And so make much of himself and stretch upon a fair bench , or a good larg bed , and there sleep for two or three hours together , without thinking or speaking any hurt : after he was awakened he would shake his Ears a little and then they brought him fresh wine , he drank better then ever , Ponocrates shewed him , that it was an ill diet to drink after sleeping· It is ( answerd Gargantua , ) the very life of the Patriarchs and holy Fathers . For naturally I sleep : Salt and sleep to me is so many Gamons .

Then began he to study a little and out came the Patenotres : Which the more formally to dispatch , he got upon an old Mule , which had served nine Kings ; and so mumbling with his Mouth , nodding and dodling his Head , would go see a coney ferretted or caught in a grinne . At his return he went into the Kitchin , to know what rost meat was one the spit : and supped very well upon my conscience ; and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers , with whom carousing merrily , they told stories of all sorts , from the old to the new . Amongst others , he had for domestics the Lord of Fouille , of Grouville , of Griviot and of Marigny . After supper were brought into the room the fair wooden Gos●els , and the books of the four Kings , that is to say , the Tables and Cards , with a deal of Cock-alls , Mumblety-Pegs and Wheels of Fortune ; or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts with their Wakes , their Junckettings and lit●le Collations , then to sleep without controul till eight a clock the next Morning .

CHAP. XXIII . How Gargantua was instructed by Ponnocrates and in such sort disciplinated that he lost not one hour of the Day .

WHen Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living , he resolved to bring him up in another-gats way ; but for a while bore with him , considering , That nature cannot endure a sudden change , without great violence . Therefore to begin his work the better , he requested a learned Physitian of that time , called Master Theodorus , seriously to perpend ( if it were possible ) how to bring Gargantua unto a better course ; the said Physician purged him canonically with Anticyrian Hellebore , by which Medicine he cleansed all that Foulness and perverse Habit of his Brain . By this means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient Praeceptors , as Timotheus , did to his Scholars , who had been instructed under other Musicians : To do this the better , they brought him into the company of learned Men , which stirr'd in him an Emulation and Desire to whet his wit and improve his parts and to bend his study another way ; so as that the World might have a value from him . And afterwards he put himself into such a road that he lost not any one hour in the day , but employed all his time in Learning and honest Knowledg . Gargantua awaked about four a clock in the Morning ; whilst they were in rubbing of him , there was read unto him some Chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly with a Pronunciation fit for the matter , and hereunto was appointed a young Page born in Basche , named Anagnostes , according to the purpose and argument of that Lesson , he often times gave himself to worship , adore , pray and send up his Supplications to that good God , whose Word did show his Majesty and marvellous Judgment . Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions ; there his Master repeated what had been read , expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points : In returning , they considered the face of the sky , if it was such as they had observed it the night before , and into what Signs the Sun was entering , as also the Moon for that day . This done , he was apparelled , combed , curled , trimmed and perfumed , during which time they repeated to him the Lessons of the day before ; he himself said them by heart , and upon them would ground some practical Cases concerning the Estate of Man , which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours , but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was fully clothed . Then for three good hours he had a Lecture read unto him : This done , they went forth still conferring of the substance of the Lecture either unto a Field near the university call'd the Brack , or unto the meadows where they play'd at the ball , tennis and at the Pelitrigone , most gallantly exercising their Bodies , as formerly they had done their minds : All their play was but in liberty , for they left off when they pleas'd and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their Body , or were otherways weary . Then were they very well wip'd and rubbed , shifted their shirts and walking soberly , went to see if dinner were ready : Whilst they stayed for that , they did clearly and eloquetnly pronounce some sentences that they have retain'd of the Lecture , in the mean time Master Appetite , came , and then very orderly sat they down at Table . At the beginning of the meal , there was read some pleasant History of the warlike actions of former times , until he had taken a glass of Wine . Then ( if they thought good , ) they continu'd reading , or began to discourse merrily together ; speaking first of the vertue , propriety , efficacy and nature of all that was serv'd in at the table : of Bread , of Wine , of Water , of Salt , of Fleshes , Fishes , Fruits , Herbs , Roots , and of their dressing ; by means whereof , he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Plinie , Athenaeus , Dioscorides , Iulius Pollux , Galen , Porphirie , Oppian , Polybius , Heliodore , Aristotle , Elian and others . Whilst they talked of these things , many times to be more certain , they caused the very books to be brought to the Table and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things abovesaid , that in those Days there was not a Physician , that knew half so much as he did . Afterwards they conferr'd of the lessons read , in the Morning , and ending their repast with some conserve or marmelade of quinces : he pick't his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers ; wash't his hands and eyes with fair fresh water , and gave thanks unto God in some neat Hymn , made in the praise of the divine bounty and munificence . This done , they brought in cards , not to play , but to learn a thousand pretty tricks , and new inventions , which were all grounded upon Arithmetic . By this means he fell in love with that numerical science and every day after dinner and supper he past his time in it as pleasantly , as he was wont to do at cards and dice : So that at last he understood so well both the Theory and Practical part thereof ; that Tunstal the Englishman , who had written very largely of that purpose , confessed that verily in comparison of him he understood no more high Dutch.

And not only in that , but in the other Mathematical Seiences , as Geometrie , Astronomie , Music , &c. For in waiting on the concoction , and attending the digestion of his food , they made a thousand pretty instruments and Geometrical figures , and did in some measure practise the Astronomical Canons .

After this , they recreated themselves with singing musically , in four or five parts , or upon a set theme or ground at random , as it best pleased them ; in matter of musical instruments , he learned to play upon the Lute , the Virginals , the Harp , the Allman Flute with nine holes , the Viol and the Sackbut . This hour thus spent , and digestion finished , he did purg his body of natural excrements , then betook himself to his principal study for three hours together , or more , as well to repeat his morning Lectures , as to proceed in the book he had in Hand , as also to write handsomly , to draw and form the Antic and Roman Letters . This being done , they went abroad , and with them a young Gentleman of Tourain , named the Esquire Gymnast , who taught him the Art of riding , changing then his clothes , he rode a Naples courser , a Dutch roussin , a Spanish gennet , a barded or trapped steed , then a light fleet Horse , unto whom he gave a hundred carieres , made him go the high faults , bounding in the air , free the ditch with a skip , leap over a stile or pale , turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand . There he broke not his lance ; for it is the greatest foolery in the world , to say I have broken ten lances at tile , or in fight , a Carpenter can do even as much ; but it is a glorious and praise-worthy Action , with one lance to break and overthrow ten Enemies : Therefore with a sharp , stiff , strong and well steeled lance , would he usually force up a door , pierce a harness , beat down a tree , carry away the ring , lift up a cuirasier saddle , with the male coat and gantlet ; all this he did in compleat arms from head to foot . As for the prancing flourishes , and smacking popisms , for the better cherishing of the horse , commonly used in riding , none did them better then he . The great Vaulter of Ferrara was but as an Ape compared to him . He was singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another , without putting foot to ground , and these horses were called desultori●s ; he could likewise from either side , with a lance in his hand , leap on horseback without stirrups , and rule the horse at his pleasure without a Bridle , for such things are useful in military Engagements . Another day he exercised the battel-ax , which he so dextrously wielded , both in the nimble , strong and smooth Management of that weapon , and that in all the Feats practiseable by it , that he past Knight of Arms in the field , and at all Essays .

Then tost he the pike , played with the two handed Sword , with the Backsword , with the Spanish tuck , the dagger , poiniard , armed , unarmed , with a buckler , with a cloak , with a targuet .

Then would he hunt the Hart , the Roe-buck , the Bear , the fallow Deer , the wilde Boar , the Hare , the Phesant , the Partridg and the Bustard . He played at the Baloon and made it bound in the air , both with fist and foot .

He wrestled , ran , jumped , not at three steps and a leap , nor at the Hears leap , nor yet at the Almenes ; for ( said Gymnast , ) these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable , and of no use ; but at one leap he would skip over a Ditch , spring over a Hedge , mount six paces upon a Wall , ramp and grapple after this fashon up against a window , of the full height of a lance . He did swim in deep Waters on his belly , on his back , sidewise , with all his body , with his feet only , with one Hand in the Air , wherein he held a book , crossing thus the breadth of the River of Seina , without wetting it and dragged along his cloak with his Teeth , as did Iulius Caesar ; then with the help of one Hand , he entred forcibly into a boat , from whence he cast himself again headlong into the Water , sounded the depths , hollowed the rocks , and plunged into the pits and gulphs . Then turned he the boat about , governed it , led it swiftly or slowly with the stream , and against the stream , stopped it in its course , guided it with one Hand , and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great Oar , hoised the sail , hied up along the mast by the shrouds , ran upon the edge of the decks , set the compass in order , tackled the boulins , and steerr'd the helm . Coming out of the Water , he ran furiously up against a Hill , and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again ; he climed up at trees like a cat , and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel ; he did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo ; then with two sharp well-steeled Daggers , and two tried Bodkins , would he run up by the wall to the very top of a House like a cat ; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom , with such an even composition of members , that by the fall he would catch no harm .

He did cast the dart , through the barr , put the stone , practise the javelin , the boar-spear or partisan and the halbard ; he broke the strongest bows in drawing , bended against his breast , the greatest cross-bows of steele , took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun , and shot well , traversed and planted the Canon , shot at but-marks , at the papgay from below upwards , from above downwards , then before him , sideways and behind him , like the Parthians .

They tyed a cable-rope to the top of a high Tower , by one end whereof hanging near the ground , he wrought himself with his hands to the very top : Then upon the same tract came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more assurance . They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees , there would he hang by his Hands , and with them alone , his Feet touching at nothing , would go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness , that hardly could one overtake him with running and then to exercise his breast and lungs , he would shout like all the Devils in hell : I heard him once call Eudemon , from St. Victors , gate to Monmertre : Stentor had never such a Voice at the siege of Troy .

Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinewes , they made him two great sows of lead , each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred kint●ls , which they call'd Alteres ; those he took up from the ground in each Hand one , then lifted them up over his head , and held them so without stirring three quarters of an Hour and more , which was an inimitable force .

He fought at Barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous Champions : And when it came to the cope he stood so sturdily on his Feet , that he abandoned himself unto the strongest , in case they could remove him from his place , as Milo , was wont to do of old . In whose imitation likewise he held a Pomgranat in his hand , to give it unto him that could take it from him . The time being thus bestowed , and himself rubbed , cleansed , wiped and refresht with other clothes , he returned fair and softly and passing through certain Meadows , or other grassy places , beheld the trees and plants , comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the Ancients , such as Theophrast , Dioscorides , Marinus , Plinie , Nicander , Macer and Galen , and carried home to the house great handfuls of them , whereof a young Page called Rizotomos had charge ; together with little Mattocks , Pickaxes , Grubbing hooks , Cabbies , Pruning knives , and other Instruments requisit for gardning . Being come to their lodging , whilst supper was making ready , they repeated certain passages of that which had been read , and set down at table . Here remark that his dinner was sober and thrifty , for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomack , but his supper was copious and large ; for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him ; which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the Art of good and sound Physic. Although a rabble of loggerheaded Physicians , nuzzeled in the brabling shop of Sophisters , counsel the contrary . During that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good ; the rest was spent in good discourse , learned and profitable : After that they had given thanks he set himself to sing vocally , and play upon harmonious instruments , or otherways passed his time at some pretty sports , made with cards or dice ; or in practising the feats of Legerdemain , with cups and balls . There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus and making themselves merriy till it was time to go to bed and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men , or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote Countreys . When it was full night before they retired themselves , they went unto the most open place of the House to see the face of the sky , and there beheld the Comets , if any were , as likewise the Figures , Situations , Aspects , Oppositions , and Conjunctions of the both fixed Stars and Planets .

Then with his Master did he briefly recapitulate after the manner of the Pythagoreans , that which he had read , seen , learned , done and understood in the whole course of that day .

Then prayed they unto God the Creator , in falling down before him and strengthening their faith towards him , and glorifying him for his boundless bounty and giving thanks unto him for the time that was past , they recommended themselves to his divine Clemency for the future , which being done , they went to bed , and betook themselves to their repose .

CHAP. XXIV . How Gargantua spent his time in rainy Weather .

IF it happened that the Weather were any Thing cloudy , foul and rainy , all the Forenoon was employed , as before specified , according to Custom , with this difference only , that they had a good clear fire lighted , to correct the Distempers of the Air : But after dinner , in stead of their wonted Exercitations they did abide within , and by way of Apotherapié , did recreate themselves in bottleing up of Hay , in cleaving and sawing of Wood , and in threshing sheaves of Corn at the Barn . Then they studied the Art of Painting or Carving , or brought into use the antic play of Tables , as Leonicus hath written of it ; and as our good Friend Lascaris playeth at it . In playing they examined the passages of ancient Authors , wherein the said Play is mentioned , or any metaphor drawn from it . They went likewise to see the drawing of Metals , or the casting of great Ordnance ; how the Lapidaries did work , as also the Goldsmiths and Cutters of precious Stones : Nor did they omit to visit the Alchymists , Money-coiners , Upholsters , Weavers , Velvet-workers , Watchmakers , Looking-glass-framers , Printers , Organists , and other such kind of Artificers , and every where giving them somewhat to drink , did learn and consider the Industry and Invention of the Trades .

They went also to hear the public Lectures , the solemn Commencements , the Repeti●ions , the Acclamations , the Pleadings of the gentle Lawyers , and Sermons of Evangelical Preachers .

He went through the Halls and Places appointed for fencing , and there played against the Masters themselves at all Weapons , and shewed them by Experience , that he knew as much in it as ( yea more then ) they . And instead of Simpling , they visited the Shops of Druggists , Herbalists and Apothecaries , and diligently consider'd the Fruits , Roots , Leaves , Gums , Seeds , the Grease and Ointments of some foreign Parts , as also how they did adulterate them . He went to see the Juglers , Tumblers , Mountebanks and Quacksalvers ; and consider'd their cunning , their shifts , their summer saults and smooth tongue , especially of those of Chauny in Picardy , who are naturally great Praters , and will Banter and Lye as fast as a Dog can trot .

Being return'd home , they did eat at Supper more soberly than at other times ; and meats more desic●ative and extenuating ; to the end that the intemperate moisture of the Air , communicated to the Bodyly a necessary confinity , might by this means be corrected ; and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily Exercise .

Thus was Gargantua governed , and kept on in this course of Education , from day to day profiting , as you understand such a young Man of his Age and good Sence , so kept to his Exercise , may well do . Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult , became a little after so sweet , so easie , and so delightful , that it seem'd rather the Recreation of a King , then the study of a Scholar , Nevertheless Ponocrates , to divert him from this vehement intension of the Spirits , thought fit once in a Month , upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the Morning , either towards Gentilly , or Boulogne , or to Montrouge , or Charenton bridge , or to Vanures , or St. Clou , and there spend all the day long in making the greatest chear that could be devised , sporting , making merry , drinking healths , playing , singing , dancing , tumbling in some fair Meadow , unnestling of Sparrows , taking of Quails , and fishing for Frogs and Crabs .

But although that day was past without Books or Lecture , yet was it not spent without profit ; for in the said Meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant Verses of Virgi●'s Agriculture , of Hesiod and of Politian's Husbandry , would set a broach some witty Latin Epigrams , then immediately turned them into Roundlays and Songs in the French Language . In their Feasting , they would sometimes separate the Water from the Wine that was therewith mixed , as Cato teacheth de re rustica , and Pliny with an Ivy Cup , would wash the Wine in a Basin full of Water , then take it out again with a Funnel as pure as ever . They made the Water go from one Glass to another , and contrived a thousand little automatary Engines , that is to say , moving of themselves .

CHAP. XXV . How there was great Strife and Debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne , and those of Gargantua's Country ; whereupon were waged great Wars .

AT that time , which was the Season of Vintage , in the beginning of Harvest , when the Country-Shepherds were set to keep the Vines , and hinder the Starlings from eating up the Grapes : As some Cake-bakers of Lerne happened ▪ to pass along in the broad high way , driving unto the City Ten or Twelve Horses loaded with Cakes , the said Shepherds courteously intreated them to give them some for their Money , as the price then ruled in the Market . For here it is to be remarked , That it is a Celestial Food to eat for Breakfast hot fresh Cakes with Grapes , especially the frail Clusters , the great red Grapes , Muscadine , the Verjuice Grape , and the Luskard , for those that are costive in their Belly ; because it will make them gush out , and squirt the length of a Hunter's staff , like the very tap of a Barrel ; and often-times thinking to let a squib , they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves , whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers .

The Cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their Request ; but ( which was worse ) did injure them most outragiously , calling them pratling Gablers , lickorous Gluttons , freckled Bittors , mangy Rascals , shite-abed Scoundrels , drunken Roysters , sly Knaves , drowsie Loiterers , slapsauce Fellows , slabberdegullion Druggels , lubbardly Louts , cousining Foxes , ruffian Rogues , paultry Customers , sycophant Varlets , drawlatch Hoydons , flouting Milk sops , jeering Companions , staring Clowns , forlorn Snakes , ninny Lobcocks , scurvy Sneaksbies , fondling Fops , base Loons , saucy Coxcombs , idle Lusks , scoffing Braggards , noddy Meacocks , blockish Grutnols , Doddipol Iolt heads , jobernol Goosecaps , foolish Loggerheads , slutch Calf lollies , grout-head Gnatsnapper , Lob dotterels , gaping Changelings , codshead Loobies , woodcock Slangams , ninny-hammer Flycatchers , noddipeak Simpletons , turgy Gut , shitten Shepherds , and other such defamatory Epithetes , saying further , that it was not for them to eat of these dainty Cakes , but might very well content themselves with the course unraunged Bread , or to eat of the great brown Houshold Loaf . To which provoking words , one amongst them , called Forgier ( an honest Fellow of his person , and a notable Springal ) made answer very calmly thus ; How long is it since you have got Horns , that you are become so proud ? Indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely , and will you not now let us have some for our Money ? This is not the part of good Neighbours , neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good Corn , whereof you make your Cakes and Buns : Besides that , we would have given you to the bargain some of our Grapes , but by his Zounds , you may chance to repent it , and possibly have need of us at another time , when we shall use you after the like manner , and therefore remember it .

Then Marquet , a prime Man in the Confraternity of the Cake-bakers , said unto him , Yea , Sir , thou art pretty well crest●risen this Morning , thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymoug , come hither Sirrah , come hither , I will give thee some Cakes : Whereupon Forgier dreading no harm , in all simplicity went towards him , and drew a Six Pence out of his Leather Sachel , thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his Cakes ; but instead of Cakes , he gave him with his Whip such a rude lash overthwart the Legs , that the marks remain'd ; then would have fled away , but Forgier cried out as loud as he could , O Murther , Murther , help , help , help , and in the mean time threw a great Cudgel after him , which he carried under his arm , wherewith he hit him in the Coronal Joint of his head , upon the Crotaphic Artery of the right side thereof , so forcibly , that Marquet fell down from his Mare , more like a dead then living Man .

Mean while the Farmers and Country Swains that were watching their Walnuts near to that place , came running with their great Poles and long Staves , and laid such load on these Cake-bakers , as if they had been to thresh upon green Rye . The other Shepherds and Shepherddesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier , came with their slings and slackies following them , and throwing great stones at them , as thick as Hail . At last these overtook them , and took from them about four or five dozen of their Cakes : Nevertheless they payed for them the ordinary price , and gave them over and above one hundred Eggs , and three Baskets full of Mulberries . Then did the Cake-bakers help to get Marquet mounted upon his Mare again , who was most shrewdly wounded ; and forthwith they returned to Lerne , changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille , threatning very sharp and boistrously the Cowherds , Shepherds and Farmers of Sevile and Sinays , This done , the Shepherds and Shepherddesses made merry with these Cakes and fine Grapes , and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small Pipe , scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious Cake-bakers , who had that day met with a Mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the Morning . Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's Leg some fair great red and medicinal Grapes , and so handsomly drest it and bound it up , that he was quickly cured .

CHAP. XXVI . How the Inhabitants of Lerne , by the commandment of Picrochole their King , assaulted the Shepherds of Gargantua , unexpectedly and on a sudden .

THE Cake-bakers being returned to Lerne , went presently , before they did either eat or drink , to the Capitol , and there before their King called Pichrochole , the third of that name , made their complaint , shewing their Paniers broken , their Caps all crumpled , their Coats torn , their Cakes taken away , but above all , Marquet most enormously wounded , saying , that all that mischief was done by the Shepherds and Herdsmen of Grangousier , near the broad high way beyond Sevile .

Picrochole incontinent grew angry and furious ; and , without asking any further , what , how , why or wherefore ? commanded the Ban and Arrier Ban to be sounded throughout all his Country , that all his Vassals of what condition soever , should upon pain of the halter come in the best arms they could , unto the great place before the Castle , at the hour of Noon , and the better to expedite his design , he caused the Drum to be beat about the Town . Whilst his dinner was making ready , he went himself to see his Artillery mounted upon the Carriage , to display his Colours , and set up the great royal Standard , and loaded Wains with store of Ammunition both for the Field and for the Belly , Arms and Victuals . At dinner he dispatch'd his Commissions , and by his express Edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the Vanguard , wherein were numbred Sixteen thousand and fourteen Harquebusiers , together with Thirty thousand eleven Volunteers . The great Tonquedillion , Master of the Horse , had the charge of the Ordnance , wherein were reckon'd Nine hundred and fourteen of Brass , in Cannons , Double-cannons , Basilisks , Serpentines , Culverins , Bombards , Falcons , Passevolans , Spiroles , and other sort of great Guns . The Reerguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood : In the main Battle was the King , and the Princes of his Kingdom . Thus being hastily equipp'd , before they would set forward , they sent Three hundred light Horsemen under the Conduct of Captain Swillwind , to discover the Country , clear the Avenues , and see whether there was any ambush laid for them . But after they had made diligent search , they found all the Land round about in Peace and Quiet , without any meeting or convention at all ; which Picrochole understanding , commanded that every one should march speedily under his Colours . Then in all disorder , without keeping either rank or file , they took the Fields , one amongst another , wasting , spoiling , destroying and making havock of all where ever they went , not sparing poor nor rich , privileged nor unprivileged Places , Church or Laity , drove away Oxen and Cows , Bulls , Calves , Heifers , Wethers , Ewes , Lambs , Goats , Kids , Hens , Capons , Chickens , Geese , Ganders , Goslings , Hogs , Swine , Pigs and such like . Beating down the Walnuts , plucking the Grapes , tearing the Hedges , shaking the Fruit-trees , and committing such incomparable abuses , that the like abomination was never heard of . Nevertheless , they met with none to resist them ; for every one submitted to their mercy ; beseeching them , that they might be dealt with courteously ; in regard that they had always carried themselves , as became good and loving Neighbours ; and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them , to be thus suddenly surprized , troubled and disquieted , and that if they would not desist , God would punish them very shortly . To which Expostulations Remonstrances no other answer was made , but that they would teach them to eat Cakes .

CHAP. XXVII . How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closs of the Abbey from being Ravag'd by the Enemy .

SO much they did , and so far they went pillaging and stealing , that at last they came to Sevile where they robbing both Men and Women , and took all they could catch : Nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them . Although the Plague was there in the most part of all the Houses , they nevertheless entred every where ; then plundered and carried away all that was within ; and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt , which is a most wonderful case . For the Curates , Vicars , Preachers , Physicians , Chirurgions and Apothecaries , who went to visit , to dress , to cure , to heal , to preach unto , and admonish those that were sick were all dead of the Infection ; and these devillish Robbers and Murtherers caught never any harm at all . Whence comes this to pass ( my Masters ) I beseech you think upon it ?

The Town being thus pillaged , they went unto the Abbey with a horrible noise and tumult , but they found it shut and made fast against them . Whereupon the Body of the Army marched forward towards a Ford called the Sue de vede , except seven Companies of Foot , and Two hundred Lanciers , who staying there , broke down the Walls of the Closs , to waste , spoil and make havock of all the Vines and Vintage within that place . The Monks ( poor Devils ) knew not in that extremity to which of all their Sancts they should vow themselves ; nevertheless , at all adventures they rang the Bells ad capitulum capitulantes . There it was decreed , that they should make a fair Procession , stuffed with good Lectures , Prayers and Litanies , contra hostium insidias , and jolly Responses pro pace .

There was then in the Abbey a claustral Monk , called Freer Iohn de Entoumeures , young , gallant , frisk , lusty , nimble , quick , active , bold , adventurous , resolute , tall , lean , wide-mouthed , long nosed , a rare mumbler of Mattins , unbridler of Masses , and runner over of Vigils : And to conclude summarily in a word , a right Monk , if ever there were any , since the Monking World monked a Monkery . For the rest a Clerk , even to the Teeth , in matter of Breviary . This Monk hearing the noise that the Enemy made within the inclosure of the Vineyard , went out to see what they were doing ; and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the Grapes , whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next Years Wine , returned unto the Quire of the Church where the other Monks were , all amazed and astonished like so many Bell-melters , whom when he heard sing , im , nim , pe , ne , ne , ne , ne , nede , tum , ne , num , num , ini , i , mi , co , o , no , o , o , neno , ne , no , no , no , rum , nenum , num. This is ( said he ) Bien chié chanté , Well shit , well sung , by the Vertue of God , why do not you sing Paniers farewel , Vintage is done ; the Devil snatch me if they be not already within the middle of our Closs , and cut so well both Vines and Grapes , that , by cods body , there will not be found for these four Years to come so much as a gleaning in it . By the Belly of Sanct Iames , what shall we ( poor Devils ) drink the while ? Lord God! da mihi potum . Then said the Prior of the Convent , What should this drunken Fellow do here , let him be carried to Prison for troubling the Divine Service : Nay , said the Monk , the Wine Service , let us behave our selves so , that it be not troubled ; for you your self , my Lord Prior , love to drink of the best , and so doth every honest Man . Never yet did a Man of worth dislike good Wine , it is a monastical Apophthegm . But these Responses that you chant here by G— are not in Season . Wherefore is it that our Devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage , and long in the Advent and all the Winter .

The late Friar , Messepelosse of good memory , a true zealous Man ( or the Devil take me ) of our Religion , told me , and I remember it well , how the reason was , That in this Season we might press and make the Wine , and in Winter whiff it up . Hark you , my Masters , you that love the Wine , Cops Body , follow me , for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a Fagot , if they taste one drop of the Liquor , that will not now come and fight in defence of the Vine . Hogs Belly , the Goods of the Church ! Ha , no , no : What the Devil would have Sanct Thomas of England died for them ; if I die , shall not I be a Sanct likewise ? Yet will not I die for all this , but send others a-packing .

As he spake this , he threw off his great Monks habit , and laid hold upon the staff of the Cross , which was made of the Heart of a Sorbaple-tree , it being of the length of a Lance , round , of a full gripe , and a little powder'd with Flower de luce , almost all defac'd and worn out . Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted Jacket , putting his Frock scarfways athwart his Breast , and with his staff of the Cross , laid on so lustily , upon his Enemies , who without any Order , or Ensign , or Trumpet , or Drum , were busied in gathering the Grapes of the Vineyard ; for the Cornets , Guidons and Ensign-bearers , had laid down their Standards , Banners and Colours by the Wall-sides : The Drummers had knock'd out the Heads of their Drums on one end , to fill them with Grapes : The Trumpeters were loaded with great Bundles of Bunches , and huge knots of Clusters : In summ , every one of them was out of array , and all in disorder . He hurried therefore upon them so rudely , without crying gare or beware , that he overthrew them like Hogs , tumbled them over like Swine , striking athwart and alongst , and by one means or other , laid so about him , after the old fashion of Fencing , that to some he beat out their Brains , to others he crushed their Arms , batter'd their Legs , and bethwack'd their sides till their Ribs crack'd with it ; to others again he unjointed the Spondyles of the Neck , disfigured their Chaps , gash'd their Faces , made their Cheeks hang flapping over their Chin , and so swing'd and belammed them , that they fell down before him like Hay before a Mower : To some others he spoiled the frame of their Kidneys , marr'd their Backs , broke their Thigh bones , pash'd in their Noses , poach'd out their Eyes , cleft their Mandibules , tore their Jaws , dung in their Teeth into their Throat , shook asunder their Omoplates or Shoulder-blade ▪ sphacelated their Shins , mortified their Shanks , inflamed their Ankles , heaved off of the Hinges , their Ishies , their Sciatica or Hip-gout , dislocated the Joints of their Knees , squatter'd into pieces the boughts or pestles of their Thighs , and so thump'd , mawl'd and be labour'd them every where , that never was corn so thick and threefold thresh'd upon by Plowmens Flails , as were the pitifully disjointed Members of their mangled Bodies , under the merciless baton of the cross .

If any offer'd to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines , he laid him squat as a Flounder , bruised the Ridge of his Back , and dash'd his Reins like a Dog . If any thought by flight to escape , he made his Head to fly in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure . If any one did scramble up into a Tree , thinking there to be safe , he rent up his Perinee , and impaled him in at the Fundament . If any one of his old acquaintance happened to cry out , Ha , Friar Iohn my Friend , Friar Iohn , quarter , quarter , I yield my self to you ; to you I render my self : So thou shalt ( said he ) per force , and thy Soul to all the Devils in Hell , then suddenly gave them Dronos . If any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his Face , then was it he did shew the strength of his Muscles ; for without more ado he did transpierce him , by running him in at the Breast , through the mediastine and the Heart . Others again he so quash'd and be bump'd , that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short Ribs , he overturn'd their Stomachs , so that they died immediately . To some with a smart souse on the Epigaster , he would make their Midrif swag , then redoubling the blow , gave them such a home push on the Navel , that he made their Puddings to gush out . To others through their Ballocks he pierced their Bum-gut , and left not Bowel , Tripe nor Intral in their Body , that had not felt the impetuosity , fierceness and fury of his Violence . Believe that it was the most horrible Spectacle that ever one saw : Some cried unto Sanct Barbe , others to St. George ; O the holy Lady Nytouch , said one , the good Sanctess ; O our Lady of Succors , said another , help , help : Others cried , Our Lady of Cunaut , of Loretta , of good Tidings , on the other side of the Water St. Mary over : some vowed a Pilgrimage to St. Iames , and others to the holy Handkerchief at Chamberry , which three Month ; after that burnt so well in the fire , that they could not get one thread of it saved : Others sent up their Vows to St. Cadouin , others to St. Iohn d' Angelie , and to St. Eutropius of Xantes : Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon , St. Martin of Candes , St. Clouod of Sinays , the holy Relics of Laurezay , with a Thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels . Some died without speaking , others spoke without dying ; some died in speaking , others spoke in dying . Others shouted aloud , Confession , Confession , Confiteor , miserere , in manus . So great was the cry of the wounded , that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth ; who when they saw these poor Wretches so slain amongst the Vines , and wounded to death , confessed some of them . But whilst the Priests were busied in confessing them , the little Monkeys ran all to the place where Friar Iohn was , and asked him , wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance ?

To which he answer'd , that they should cut the Throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground . They presently leaving their outer Habits and Cowls upon the Rails , began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed . Can you tell with what Instruments they did it ? with fair Gulli●s , which are little ●u●ch-back'd Demi-knives , wherewith the little Boys in our Country cut ripe Walnuts in two .

In the mean time Friar Iohn with his formidable baton of the Cross , got to the breach which the Enemies had made , and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape . Some of the Monkitos carried the Standards , Banners , Ensigns , Guidons and Colours into their Cells and Chambers , to make Garters of them . But when those that had been shriven , would have gone out at the gap of the said Breach , the sturdy Monk quash'd and fell'd them down with blows , saying , These Men have had Confession and are peni●ent Souls , they have got their Absolution , and gained the Pardons : They go into Paradise as streight as a sickle , or as the way is to Fare ( like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap . )

Thus by his Prowess and Valour were discomfited all those of the Army that entred into the Closs of the Abbey , unto the number of Thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two , besides the Women and little Children , which is always to be understood . Never did Maugis the Hermite bear himself more valiantly with his Pilgrims staff against the Saracens , of whom is written in the Acts of the four Sons of Haymon , then did this Monk against his Enemies with the staff of the Cross.

CHAP. XXVIII . How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond , and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the Undertaking of War .

WHilst the Monk did thus skirmish , as we have said , against those which were entred within the Closs ; Picrochole in great haste passed the Ford Vede , with all his Souldiery , and set upon the Rock Clermond , where there was made him no resistance at all : And because it was already Night , he resolved to quarter himself and his Army in that Town , and to refresh himself of his pugnative Choler . In the Morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle , which afterwards he fortified with Rampiers , and furnish'd with all Ammunition requisite , intending to make his retreat there , if he should happen to be otherwise worsted ; for it was a strong place , both by Art and Nature , in regard of the stance and scituation of it . But let us leave them there , and to return to our good Gargantua , who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good Letters , and athletical Exercitations , and to the good old Man Grangousier his Father , who after Supper warmeth his Ballocks by a good , clear , great fire , and whilst his Chesnut a are a-rosting , is very serious in drawing scratches on the Hearth , with a stick burnt at the one end , wherewith they did stir up the fire , telling to his Wife and the rest of the Family pleasant old Stories and Tales of of former times .

Whilst he was thus employ'd , one of the Shepherds which did keep the Vines ( named Pillot ) came towards him , and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed , and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne , upon his Lands and Territories , and how he had pillaged , wasted and ravaged all the Country , except the inclosure at Sevile , which Friar Iohn des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved : And that at the same present time the said King was in the Rock Clermond : And there with great Industry and Circumspection , was strengthening himself and his whole Army . Halas , halas , alas ( said Grangousier ) what is this good People ? Do I dream , or is it true that they tell me ? Picrochole my ancient Friend of old time , of my own Kindred and Alliance , comes he to invade me ? What moves him ? What provokes him ? What sets him on ? What drives him to it ? Who hath given him this Counsel ? Ho , ho , ho , ho , ho , my God , my Saviour , help me , inspire me , and advise me what I shall do . I protest , I swear before thee , so be thou favourable to me , if ever I did him or his Subjects any damage or displeasure , or committed any the least Robbery in his Country ; but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with Men , Money , Friendship and Counsel upon any occasion , wherein I could be steadable for his good ; that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me , it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked Spirit . Good God , thou knowest my Courage , for nothing can be hidden from thee ; if perhaps he be grown mad , and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain : Grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline . Ho , ho , ho , ho , my good People , my Friends and my faithful Servants , must I hinder you from helping me ? Alas , my old age required henceforward nothing else but rest , and all the days of my Life I have laboured for nothing so much as Peace : But now I must ( I see it well ) load with Arms my poor , weary and feeble shoulders ; and take in my trembling hand the Lance and Horseman's Mace , to succour and protect my honest Subjects : Reason will have it so ; for by their labour am I maintain'd , and with their sweat am I nourish'd , I , my Children and my Family . This notwithstanding , I will not undertake War , until I have first tried all the ways and means of Peace ; that I resolve upon .

Then assembled he his Counsel , and proposed the matter , as it was indeed , whereupon it was concluded , that they should send some discreet Man unto Picrochole , to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace , and invaded those Lands unto which he had no Right nor Title . Furthermore , that they should send for Gargantua , and those under his command , for the Preservation of of the Country , and Defence thereof now at need . All this pleased Grangousier very well , and he commanded that so it should be done . Presently therefore he sent Basque , his Lackey , to fetch Gargantua with all diligence , and wrote to him as followeth .

CHAP. XXIX . The Tenor of the Letter which Grangousier wrote to his Son Gargantua .

THe fervency of thy studies did require , that I should not in along time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest : If the confidence reposed in our Friends and ancient Confederates , had not at this present Disappointed the assurances of my old age . But seeing such is my fatal Destiny , that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most : I am forced to call thee back to defend the People and Goods , which by the right of Nature belong unto thee ; for even as Arms are weak abroad if there be not Counsel at home ; so is that Study vain , and Counsel unprofitable , which in a due and convenient time is not by Vertue executed and put in effect . My Intention is not to Provoke , but Appease : Not to Assault , but to Defend : Not to Conquer , but to preserve my faithful Subjects and hereditary Dominions ; into which Picrochole is entred in a hostile manner without any Ground or Cause , and from day to day pursueth his furious Enterprise with great height of Insolence , that is intolerable to free-born Spirits .

I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical Choler , offering him all that which I thought might give him Satisfaction : And oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him , to understand wherein , by whom , and how he found himself to be wronged ; But of him could I obtain no other answer , but a meer defiance ; and that in my Lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil Correspondency and good Behaviour . Whereby I knew that the Eternal God hath given him over to the disposure of his own free Will and sensual Appetite ; which cannot chuse but be wicked , if by divine Grace it be not continually guided : And to contain him within his Duty , and bring him to know himself , hath sent him hither to me by a grievous Token . Therefore , my Beloved Son , as soon as thou , canst , upon sight of these Letters , repair hither with all diligence , to succour not me so much ( which nevertheless by natural Piety thou oughtest to do ) as thine own People , which by reason thou oughtest to save and preserve . The Exploit shall be done with as little Effusion of Blood as may be ; and if possible , by Means more expedient , by Policy and Stratagems of War . We shall save all the Souls , and send them home merry unto their own Houses . My dearest Son , the Peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee ; salute from me Ponocrates , Gymnastes and Eudemon ; the Twentieth of September ,

Thy Father Grangousier .

CHAP. XXX . How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole .

THE Letters being dictated , signed and sealed , Grangousier ordained that Vlrich Gallet ( Master of the Requests ) a very wise and discreet Man , of whose Prudence and found Judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters ) to go unto Picrochole , to shew what had been resolved amongst them . At the same hour departed the good Man Gallet , and having past the Ford , asked the Miller , in what condition Picrochole was ? who answer'd , That his Souldiers had left neither Cock nor Hen ; that they were retir'd and shut up into the Rock Clermond , and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the Scouts , because they were enormously furious ; which he easily believed , and therefore lodged that night with the Miller .

The next morning he went with a Trumpeter to the Gate of the Castle , and requir'd the Guards he might be admitted to speak with the King , of somewhat that concern'd him . These words being told unto the King , he would by no means consent that they should open the Gate ; but getting upon the top of the Bulwark , said unto the Ambassador , What is the news ? what have you to say ? Then the Ambassador began to speak as followeth .

CHAP. XXXI . The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole .

THere cannot arise amongst Men a juster cause of Grief , then when they receive hurt and damage ▪ where they may justly expect for favour and good will ; and not without cause ( though without reason ) have many , after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident , esteemed this indignity less supportable then the loss of their own Lives ; in such sort , that if they could not by force of Arms or otherwise correct it , they have deprived themselves of this Light .

It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier , my Master be full of high displeasure , and much disquieted in mind upon thy outragious and hostile coming ; but truly it would be a marvel , if he were not sensible of , and moved with the incomparable Abuses and Injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his Country , towards whom there hath been no Example of Inhumanity omitted . Which in it self is to him so grievous for the cordial Affection , wherewith he hath always cherish'd his Subjects , that more it cannot be to any mortal Man ; yet in this ( above human Apprehension ) is it to him the more grievous , that these Wrongs and sad Offences have been committed by thee and thine , who time out of mind , from all antiquity , thou and thy Predecessors have been in a continual League and Amity with him , and all his Ancestors ; which , even until this time , you have as sacred together inviolably preserved , kept and maintained so well , that not he and his only , but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins , Bretons , Manceaux , and those that dwell beyond the Isles of the Canaries , and that of Isabella , have thought it as easie to pull down the Firmament , and to set up depths above the Clouds , as to make a breach in your Alliance ; and have been so afraid of it in their Enterprises , that they have never dared to provoke , incense or indamage the one for fear of the other . Nay , which is more , this sacred League hath so filled the World , that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the Continent and Isles of the Ocean , who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it , upon your own Covenants and Conditions , holding your joint Confederacy in as high Esteem as their own Territories and Dominions ; in such sort , that from the memory of Man , there hath not been either Prince or League so wild and proud , that durst have offered to invade , I say not your Countries , but not so much as those of your Confederates . And if by rash and heady Counsel they have attempted any new design against them , as soon as they heard the Name and Title of your Alliance , they have suddenly desisted from their Enprises . What Rage and Madness therefore doth now incite thee , all old Alliance infringed , all Amity trod under foot , and all right violated , thus in a hostil manner to invade his Country , without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced , wronged or provoked ? Where is Faith ? Where is Law ? Where is Reason ? Where is Humanity ? Where is the fear of God ? Dost thou think that these atr●cious Abuses are hidden from the eternal Spirits , and the Supream God , who is the just rewarder of all our Vndertakings ? If thou so think , thou deceivest thy self ; for all things shall come to pass , as in his incomprehensible Judgment he hath appointed .

Is it thy fatal Destiny , or influences of the Stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed Ease and Rest ? For that all things have their end and period , so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height , they are in a trice tumbled down again , as not being able to abide long in that state . This is the Conclusion and End of those who cannot by Reason and Temperance moderate their Fortunes and Prosperities . But if it be predestinated that thy Happiness and Ease must now come to an end , must it needs be by wronging my King ? him by whom thou were establish'd ? If thy House must come to ruin , should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up ? The matter is so unreasonable , and so dissonant from common Sense , that hardly can it be conceived by human Vnderstanding , and altogether incredible unto Strangers , till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent , that nothing is either sacred or holy to those , who having emancipated themselves from God and Reason , do meerly follow the perverse affections of their own depraved nature .

If any wrong had been done by us to thy Subjects and Dominions ; if we had favour'd thy Ill-willers ; if we had not assisted thee in thy Need ; if thy Name and Reputation had been wounded by us ; or ( to speak more truly ) if the calumniating Spirit , tempting to induce thee to Evil , had by false Illusions and deceitful Fantasies , put into thy Conceit the impression of a thought , that we had done unto thee any thing unworthy of our ancient Correspondence and Friendship , thou oughtest first to have enquired out the Truth , and afterwards by a seasonable warning to admonish us thereof ; and we should have so satisfied thee , according to thine own hearts desire , that thou shouldest have had occasion to be contented . But , O Eternal God , what is thy enterprize ? Wouldst thou like a perfidious Tyrant , thus spoil and lay waste my Masters Kingdom ? Hast thou found him so silly and blockish , that he would not ; or so destitute of Men and Money , of Counsel and Skill in military Discipline , that he cannot withstand thy unjustly Invasion ? March hence presently , and to morrow some time of the Day retreat unto thine own Country , without doing any kind of Violence or disorderly act by the way ; and pay withal a Thousand Besans of Gold , for reparation of Damages thou hast done in his Country : Half thou shalt pay to morrow , and the other half at the Ides of May next coming , leaving with us in the mean time for Hostages , the Dukes of Turnebank , Lowbuttock and Small-trash : together with the Prince of Itches , and Viscount of Snatch-bit .

CHAP. XXXII . How Grangousier to buy Peace , caused the Cakes to be restored .

WITH that the good Man Gallet held his peace , but Picrochole to all his Discourse answer'd nothing but Come and fetch them , come and fetch them ; They have Ballocks fair and soft , they will knead some Cakes for you . Then returned he to Grangousier , whom he found upon his Knees bare-headed , crouching in a little Corner of his Cabinet , and humbly praying unto God , that he would vouchsafe to asswage the Choler of Picrochole , and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force . When the good Man came back , he asked him , Ha , my Friend , my Friend , what News do you bring me ? There is neither Hope nor Remedy ( said Gallet ) the Man is quite out of his Wits , and forsaken of God . Yea but ( said Grangousier ) my Friend , what cause doth he pretend for his Outrages ? He did not shew me any cause at all ( said Gallet ) only that in a great Anger , he spoke some words of Cakes . I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his Cake-bakers . I will know ( said Grangousier ) the matter throughly , before I resolve any more upon what is to be done . Then sent he to learn concerning that business , and found by true information , that some of his Men had taken violently some Cakes from Picrochole's People , and that Marquet had his Head broken : That nevertheless all was well paid , and that the said Marquet had first hurt Forgior with a stroke of his Whip athwart the Legs ; and it seemed good to his whole Counsel , that he should defend himself with all his Might . Notwithstanding all this ( said Grangousier ) seeing the question is but about a few Cakes , I will labour to content him ; for I am very unwilling to wage War against him . He enquired then what quantity of Cakes they had taken away , and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen , he commanded five cart-Loads of them to be baked that same night , and , that there should be one full of Cakes , made with fine butter , fine yolks of eggs , fine saffron and fine spice , to be bestowed upon Marquet ; unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three Philips , for reparation of his losses , and for satisfaction of the Chirurgeon that had dressed his wound ; and furthermore setled upon him and his for ever in Free-hold the Apple-Orchard called La Pomardiore ; for the conveyance and passing of all which was sent Gallet , who by the way as they went made them gather near the willow trees great store of boughs , canes and reeds , wherewith all the Cariers were injoyned to garnish and deck their Carts , and each of them to carry one in his hand , as himself likewise did , thereby to give all Men to understand , that they demanded but Peace , and that they came to buy it .

Being come to the gate , they required to speak with Picrochole from Grangousier . Picrochole would not so much as let them in , nor go to speak with them , but sent them word that he was busie , and that they should deliver their mind to Captain Tonquedillon , who was then planting a piece of Ordnance upon the Wall . Then said the good Man unto him , My Lord , to ease you of all this labour , and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former Alliance , we do here presently restore unto you the Cakes upon which the quarrel arose ; five dozen did our People take away , they were well paid for ; we love Peace so well , that we restore unto you five Cart-loads , of which this Cart shall be for Marquet , who doth most complain ; besides to content him entirely , here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips , which I deliver to him ; and for the Losses he may pretend to have sustained , I resign for ever the Farm of the Pomardere , to be possess'd in Fee-simple by him and his for ever , without the payment of any duty , or acknowledgment of homage , fealty , fine or service whatsoever ; and here is the Deed of Conveyance , and for God's sake let us live henceforward in Peace ; and go you home merrily into your own Country from this place , unto which you have no right at all , as your selves must needs confess , and let us be good Friends as before . Tonquedillon related all this to Picrochole , and more and more exasperated his courage , saying to him , These Clowns are afraid to some purpose , by cocks Grangousier conskites himself for fear ; the poor drinker he is not skilled in warfare , nor hath he any stomach for it , he knows better how to empty the Flaggons , that is his Art . I am of opinion that it is fit we send back the Carts and the Money ; and for the rest , that very speedily we fortifie our selves here , then prosecute our fortune . But what do they think to have to do wlth a ninnie-whoop , to feed you thus with cakes ? You may see what it is , the good Usage and great Familiarity which you have had with them heretofore , hath made you contemptible in their Eyes ; ungenton purget purgentom rustius unget .

Sa , sa , sa , ( said Picrochole , ) by St. Iames you have given a true character of them . One thing I will advise you ( said Tonquedillon , ) we are here but badly victualled and very slenderly provided which stores for the Mouth : If Grangousier should come to besiege us , I would go presently and pluck out of all your souldiers heads and mine own all the teeth except three to each of us , and with them alone we should make an end of our provision , but too soon .

We shall have ( said Picrochole ) but too much sustenance and feeding-stuff ; came we hither to eat or to fight ? To fight indeed ( said Tonquedillon ) yet from the panch comes the dance , and where famine rules force is exil'd . Leave off your prating ( said Picrochole ) and forthwith seize upon what they have brought . Then took the Money and Cakes , Oxen and Carts , and sent away the Messengers , without speaking a word , only that they would come no more so near , for a reason that would be told them the morrow after . Thus without doing any thing , returned they to Grangousier , and related the whole matter unto him , subjoyning that there was no hope left to draw them to Peace , but by sharp and fierce Wars .

CHAP. XXXIII . How some Ministers of Picrochole , by Hair-brain'd Counsel put him in extreme Danger .

THE Carts being unloaded , and the Money and Cakes secured , there came before Picrochole , the Duke of Small-trash , the Earl Swash-buckler and Captain Durtaille , who said unto him , Sir , this day we make you the happiest , the most warlike and chivalrous Prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia . Be covered , be covered ( said Picrochole ) cry you mercy ( said they ) we do but our Duty : The manner is thus , you shall leave some Captain here to have the charge of this Garrison , with a Party competent for keeping of the place , which besides its natural strength , it s made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising . Your Army you are to divide into two parts , as you know very well how to do ; one part thereof , shall fall upon Grangousier and his forces ; by it shall he be easily , at the very first shock routed and then shall you get Money by heaps , for the Clown had store of ready Coin . Clown we call him , because , A noble and generous Prince , had never a penny and that to hoard up Treasure , is the part of a Clown . The other part of the Army , in the mean Time shall draw towards Onys , Xaintouge , Angoulosme and Cascony ; then march to Perigrout , Medos and Elanes , taking wherever you come without resistance , Towns , Castles and Forts . Afterwards to Bayonne , St. Ihon de luz , to F●entarabia , where you shall seize upon all the Ships and coasting along Galicia and Portugal , shall pillage all the maritine Places , 〈◊〉 ●nto Lisbon , where you shall be supplied 〈…〉 necessaries befitting a Conquerour . By Copsodi Spain will yield , for they are but a race of Loobies . Then are you to pass by the streights of Gibralter , where you shall erect two Pillars more stately then those of Hercules , to the perpetual memory of your Name and the narrow Entrance , there shall be call'd the Picrochonical Sea .

Having past the Picrochonical sea , behold , Barbarossa yields himself your slave . I will ( said Picrochole ) give him fair quarter . Yea ( said they ) so that he be content to be christened . And you shall conquer the Kingdoms of Tunes , of Hippos , Argier , Bomine , Corode , yea all Barbary . Furthermore , you shall take into your hands Majorca , Minorca , Sardinia , Corsica , with the other Islands of the Ligustic and Balcarian Seas . Going alongst on the left Hand , you shall Subdue , all Gallia Narbonensis , Provence , the Allobrogians , Genua , Florence , Luca , and then God buy Rome , our poor Monsieur the Pope dyes now for fear . By my faith ( said Picrochole , ) I will not Then kiss his Pantuffle .

Italy being thus taken , behold , Naples , Calabria , Aputia and Sicilie , all ransacked and Malta too . I wish those Jovial , Quondam Knights of Rhodes , would but come to resist you , that we might see their Urine . I would ( said Picrochole ) very willingly go to Loretta . No , no , ( said they ) that shall be at our return . From thence we will sail Eastwards , and take Candia , Cyprus , Rhodes , and the Cyclade Island , and set upon Morea . It is ours by 〈…〉 , the Lord preserve Ierusalem ; for 〈…〉 Soldan , is not comparable to you in Power : I will then ( said he , ) cause Solomon's Temple to be built . No , ( said they ) not yet , have a little patience , stay a while , be never too sudden in your enterpriss .

Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said , Festina lente ; it is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia , Carra , Lycia , Pamphilia , Cilicia , Lydia , Phrygia , Mysia , Bithinia , Cara , Zia , Satalia , Samagaria , Castamena , Luga , Sanasta , even unto Euphrates . Shall we see ( said Picrochole , ) Babylon and Mount Sinai ? There is no need ( said they ) at this time ; have we not hurried up and down , travelled and toyl'd enough , in having transfreted and past over the Hircanian Sea , marched alongst the two Armenias and the three Arabias ? By my faith ( said he ) we have played the Fools , and are undone . Ha , poor Souls ! What 's the matter , said they ? What shall we have ( said he ) to drink in these deserts ? for Iulian Augustus , with his whole Army died there for thirst , as they say . We have already ( said they ) given order for that : In the Siriac Sea , you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships , laden with the best wines , in the world ; they arrived at Port-Ioppa , there you shall find two and twenty thousand Camels , and sixteen hundred Elephants , which you shall find at one hunting about Sigelmes , when you enter into Libia ; and besides this , you will have all the Macca Caravane , will not they furnish you sufficiently with wine ? Yes , but ( said he ) we shall not drink it fresh , that ( said they , ) is for a little fish , but a mighty Man , a pretender , one that aspires to the Monarchy of the World cannot always have his ease . God be thanked , that you and your men , are come safe and sound unto the banks of the rive● Tigris .

But ( said he ) what doth that part of our Army in the mean time , which overthrows that worthy Swill-pot , Grangousier ? They are not idle ( said they ) we shall meet with them by and by , they shall have won you Britany , Normandy , Flanders , Haynault , Brabant , Artois , Holland , Zealand , they have past the Rhine over the bellies of the Switsers and Lanskenets , and a party of these hath subdued Luxemburg , Lorrain , Champaign and Savoy , even to Lions , in which place they have met with your forces , returning from the naval Conquests of the Mediterranean Sea ; and have rallied again in Bohemia , after they had plundered and sacked Suevia , Wittemburg , Bavaria , Austria , Moravia and Styria . Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck , Norway , Swedeland , Rie , Denmark ▪ Guitland , Greenland , the Sterlins , even unto the frozen Sea . This done , they conquered the Isles of Orkney and subdued Scotland , England & Ireland . From thence sailing through the sandy Sea , and by the Sarmates , they have vanquished and overcome Prussia , Poland , Lituania , Russia , Walachia , Transilvania , Hungaria , Bulgaria , Turquieland and are now at Constantinople . Come ( said Picrochole ) let us go joyn with them quickly for I will be Emperour of Trebezonde also ; shall we not kill all these dog Turks and Mahumetans ? What a devil should we do else , said they ; and you shall give their Goods and Lands to such as shall have served you honestly . Reason ( said he ) will have it so , that is but just ; I give unto you the Caramania , Surie and all the Palestine . Ha , Sir ( said they ) it is your goodness : Grammercie , God grant you may always prosper . There was present at the time an old Gentleman , well experienced in in the Wars , a stern Souldier , and who had been in many great hazards , named Echephron , who hearing this discourse , said , I do grealty doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tail of the pitcher full of Milk , wherewith a Shomaker made himself rich in conceit ; but when the pitcher was broken , he had not whereupon to dine . What do you pretend by these large Conquests ? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses ? Thus it shall be ( said Picrochole ) that when we return we shall sit down , rest and be merry . But ( said Echephron , ) if by chance you should never come back , for the voyage is long and dangerous , where it not better for us to take our rest now , then unnecessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers ? O ( said Swashbuckler , ) by G— here is a good dotard , come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a Chimney and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies , in threading of pea●ls , or spinning like Sardanapalus . He that nothing ventures , hath neither Horse nor Mule ( said Solomon ) He who adventureth too much ( said Echepron ) loseth both Horse and Mule , as Malchon answered . Enough ( said Picrochole , ) go forward ; I fear nothing but that these Devillish Legions of Grangousier , whilst we are in Mesopotamia , will come on our backs and charge upon our rear , what remedy then ? A very good one ( said Durtaille ) send a pretty round Commission to the Muscoviters . And they bring instantly into the Field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting Men. O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General , how I should truss up the Rogues with discipline ? I fret , I charge , I strike , I take , I kill , I slay , I play the Devil . On , on ( said Picrochole ) he that loves me , follow me .

CHAP. XXXIV . How Gargantua left the City of Paris to Succour his Country , and how Gymnast encountered with the Enemy .

IN this same very hour , Gargantua ( who was gone out of Paris , as soon as he had read his Father's Letters ) coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnery-bridge himself ; Ponocrates , Gymnast and Eudemon , to go along with him took Post-horses : The rest of his Train came after him by even journeys , bringing with them all his Books and Philosophical Instruments . As soon as he had alighted at Parille , he was informed by a Farmer of Gouget , how Picrochole had fortified himself within the Rock Clermond ; and had sent Captain Tripet with a great Army to set upon the Wood of Vede and Vaugaudry ; and that they had already plundered the whole Country , not leaving Cock nor Hen , even as far as to the Wine-press of Billiard ; and that it was a strange thing , and hardly to be credited , what ravage they had committed over all the Land ; which so affrighted Gargantua , that he knew not what to say , nor what to do . But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon , who at all times had been their Friend and Confederate ; and that by him they should be better advised in their Business : Which they did incontinently , and found him very willing to assist them ; and he was of opinion that they should send some one of his Company , to scout along and discover the Country , to learn in what condition and posture the Enemy was , that they might take Counsel , and proceed according to the present occasion . Gymnast offering himself to go ; whereupon it was concluded , that for his safety , and the better expedition , he should have with him some one that knew the Ways , Avenues , Turnings , Windings and Rivers thereabout . Then away went he and Prelingot , Gentleman of Vauguyon's Horse , who scouted and espied on all quarters without any fear . In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment , eat somewhat himself , the like did those that were with him , and caused to give to his Mare a Picotine of Oats , that is , Threescore and fourteen Quarters and three Bushels . Gymnast and his Camrade rode so long , that at last they met with the Enemies Forces , all scattered and out of order , Plundering , Stealing , Robbing and Pillaging all they could lay their Hands on : And as far off as they could perceive him , they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him , to unload him of his Money , and untruss his Portmantles . Then cried he out unto them ( My Masters ) I am a poor Devil , I desire you to spare me , I have yet one Crown left , come , we must drink it ; for it is aurum potabile , and this Horse here shall be sold to pay my welcom ; afterwards take me for one of your own ; for never yet was there any Man that knew better how to take , lard , rost and dress , yea by G— to tear asunder and devour a Hen , then I that am here : And for my Beverage I drink to all good Fellows . With that he unscrued his Leathern Bottle , and without putting in his Nose drank very handsomly ; the Rogues looked upon him , opening their Throats a Foot wide , and putting out their Tongues like Greyhounds , in hopes to drink after him : But Captain Tripet , in the very nick , came running to him to see who it was . To him Gymnast offer'd his Bottle , saying , Hold , Captain , drink boldly and spare not ; I have been thy taster , it is Wine of La fay monjau . What ( says Tripet ) this Fellow gybes and flouts us ; who art thou ? ( said Tripet ) I am ( said Gymnast ) a poor Devil ( pauvre diable . ) Ha ( said Tripet ) seeing thou art a poor Devil , it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whither-soever thou wilt , for all poor Devils pass every where without toll or tax ; but it is not the custom of poor Devils to be so well mounted , therefore , Sir Devil , come down , and let me have your Horse , and if he do not carry me well , you , Master Devil , must do it ; for I love a Life that such a Devil as you should carry me away .

CHAP. XXXV . How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet , and others of Picrochole's Men

WHen they heard these words , some amongst them began to be afraid , and blest themselves with both hands , thinking indeed that he had been a Devil disguised : Insomuch that one of them , named Good Iohn , Captain of the trained Bands took his Psalter out of his Codpiece , and cried out aloud , Hagios ho Theos . If thou be of God speak , if thou be of the other Spirit avoid hence , and get thee going . Yet he went not away ; which words being heard by all the Souldiers that were there , divers of them being a little inwardly terrified , departed from the place : All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider , and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his Horse , as he was poising himself on the mounting side , he most nimbly ( with his short Sword by his Thigh ) shifting his feet in the stirrup , performed the stirrup-leather feat , whereby after the inclining of his Body downwards , he forthwith launch'd himself aloft in the Air , and placed both his Feet together on the Saddle , standing upright with his back turned towards the Horse's head ; Now ( said he ) my case goes backward . Then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was , he fetched a gambole upon one foot , and turning to the left hand , failed not to carry his Body perfectly round , just into its former stance , without missing one jot . Ha ( said Tripet ) I will not do that at this time , and not without cause . Well ( said Gymnast ) I have failed , I will undo this leap : Then with a marvellous strength and agility , turning towards the right hand he fetch'd another frisking gambole , as before , which done , he set his right hand thumb upon the hind bow of the Saddle , raised him up , and sprung in the Air , poising and upholding his whole Body , upon the Muscle and Nerve of the said Thumb ; and so turned and whirled himself about three times . At the fourth reversing his Body , and overturning it upside down , and foreside back , without touching any thing he brought himself betwixt the Horse's two Ears , springing with al● his Body into the Air , upon the Thumb of his left Hand , and in that posture turning like a Wind-mill , did most actively do that trick which is called the Mill●r's Pass . After this , clapping his right Hand flat upon the middle of the Saddle , he gave himself such a jerking swing , that he thereby seated himself upon the Crupper , after the manner of Gentlewomen .

This done , he easily past his right Leg over the Saddle , and placed himself like one that rides in Croup : But ( said he ) it were better for me to get into the Saddle ; then putting the Thumbs of both Hands upon the Crupper before him , and thereupon leaning himself , as upon the only Supporters of his Body , he incontinently turned heels over Head in the Air , and streight found himself betwixt the bow of the Saddle in a good seat . Then with a Summer-sault springing into the Air again , he fell to stand with both his Feet close together upon the Saddle , and there made above a hundred frisks , turns and demi-pommads , with his Arms held out across , and in so doing cried out aloud , I rage , I rage , Devils , I am stark mad ; Devils , I am mad , hold me , Devils , hold me ; hold , Devils , hold , hold .

Whilst he was thus vaulting , the Rogues in great astonishment said to one another , By Cocks death , he is a Goblin or a Devil thus disguised ; Ab hoste maligno libera nos , Domine , and ran away as in a total rout , looking now and then behind them like a Dog that had stoln a Pudding .

Then Gymnast spying his advantage , alighted from his Horse , drew his Sword , and laid on great Blows upon the thickest , and highest crested amongst them , and overthrew them in great heaps , hurt , wounded and bruised , being resisted by no body , they thinking he had been a starved Devil , as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting , which they had seen , as for the Talk Tripet had with him , calling him poor Devil . Only Tripet would have traiterously cleft his head with his Fauchion ; but he was well armed , and felt nothing of the Blow , but the weight of the stroke ; whereupon turning suddenly about , he gave Tripet a home thrust , and upon the back of that , whilst he was about to ward his Head from a slash , he ran him in at the Breast with a hit , which at once cut his Stomach , the Colon , and the half of his Liver , wherewith he fell to the ground ; and in falling gushed forth above four Pottles of Pottage , and his Soul mingled with the Pottage .

This done , Gymnast withdrew himself , very wisely considering , that a case of great adventure and hazard , should not be pursued unto its utmost period , and that it becomes all Cavaliers modestly to use their good Fortune , without troubling or stretching it too far . Wherefore getting to Horse , he gave him the Spur , taking the right way unto Vauguyon ; and Prelingot with him .

CHAP. XXXVI . How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede , and how they past the Ford.

AS soon as he came thither , he related the Estate and Condition wherein they had found the Enemy , and the Stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude ; affirming that they were but rascally Rogues , Plunderers , Thieves and Robbers , ignorant of all military Discipline , and that they might boldly set forward unto the Field ; it being an easie matter to fell and strike them down like Beasts , then Gargantua mounted his great Mare , accompanied as we have said before , and finding in his way a high and great Tree ( which commonly was called St. Martin's Tree , because heretofore St. Martin planted a Pilgrim's staff there ; which grew to that height and greatness ) said , This is that which I lacked ; this Tree shall serve me both for a Staff and Lance : With that he pulled it up easily , plucked it off the Boughs , and trimed it at his pleasure . In the mean time his Mare pissed to ease her Belly , but it was in such abundance , that it did overflow the Country Seven Leagues , and all the flood ran glib away towards the Ford of Vede , wherewith the Water was so swollen , that all the Forces the Enemy had there , were with great horror drowned , except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the Hills . Gargantua being come to the Wood of Vede , was informed by Eudemon , that there was some remainder of the Enemy within the Castle , which to know , Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able , Are you there , or are you not there ? If you be there , be there no more ; and if you be not there , I have no more to say . But a Ruffian Gunner at the Portcullis , let fly a Cannot-ball at him , and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right Temple of his head , yet did him no more hurt , then if he had but cast a Grape-stone at him : What is this ? ( said Gargantua ) do yo throw at us Grape-stones here ? The Vintage shall cost you dear , thinking indeed that the Bullet had been the stone of a Grape .

Those who were within the Castle , being till then busie at the pillage , when they heard this noise , ran to the Towers and Fortresses , from whence they shot at him above Nine thousand and five and twenty Falcon-shot and Harcabusades , aiming all at his Head ; and so thick did they shoot at him , that he cried out , Ponocrates my Friend , These Flies are like to put out mine Eyes ; give me a Branch of those Willow-trees to drive them away , thinking that the Bullets and Stones shot out of the great Ordnance had been but Dun-flies . Ponocrates looked and saw there were no other Flies , but great shot which they had shot from the Castle . Then was it that he rusht with his great Tree against the Castle , and with mighty blows overthrew both Towers and Fortresses , and laid all level with the Ground , by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces .

Going from thence , they came to the Bridge at the Mill , where they found all the Ford covered with dead Bodies , so thick , that they had choaked up the Mill , and stopped the current of its Water ; and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal Deluge of the Mare . There they were at a stand , consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead Carcasses . But Gymnast said , If the Devils have past there , I will pass well enough . The Devils have past there ( said Eudemon ) to carry away the damned Souls . By St. Rhenian ( said Ponocrates ) then by necessary consequence he shall pass there . Yes , yes ( said Gymnastes ) or I shall stick in the way . Then setting Spurs to his Horse , he past through freely , his Horse not fearing , nor being any ways affrighted at the sight of the dead Bodies . For he had accustomed him ( according to the Doctrin of Aelian ) not to fear Armour , nor the Carcasses of dead Men ; and that not by killing Men as Diomedes did the Thracians , or as Vlysses did in throwing the Corpses of his Enemies at his Horses feet , as Homer saith ; but by putting a Iack a-lent amongst his hay , and making him go over it ordinarily , when he gave him his Oats .

The other three followed him very close , except Eudemon only , whose Horses far fore-foot sank up to the Knee in the Paunch of a great fat Chuff , who lay there upon his back drowned , and could not get it out . There was he pester'd , until Gargantua with the end of his Staff thrust down the rest of the Villain 's Tripes into the Water , whilst the Horse pulled out his Foot ; and ( which is a wonderful thing in Hippiatry ) the said Horse was throughly cured of a Ringbone which he had in that Foot , by this touch of the burst guts of that great Looby .

CHAP. XXXVII . How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon-ball fall out of his Hair .

HAving got over the River of Vede , they came very shortly after to Grangousier's Castle , who waited for them with great longing ; at their coming there was such Hugging and Embracing , never was seen a more joyful Company ; for Supplementum supplementi Chronicorum , saith , that Gargamelle died there with joy . For my part , truly I cannot tell , neither do I care very much for her , nor for any body else . The truth was , that Gargantua in shifting his Clothes , and combing his Head with a Comb Nine hundred Foot long , and the teeth all Tusks of Elephants , whole and entire , he made fall at every rake above seven Balls that stuck in his Hair , at the razing of the Castle at the Wood of Vede . Which his Father Grangousier seeing , thought they had been Lice , and said unto him , What , my dear Son , hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged Hawks of the College of Montague ? I did not mean that thou shouldst reside there . Then answered Ponocrates , My Sovereign Lord , think not that I have placed him in that lowsie College , which they call Montague ; I had rather have put him amongst the Grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent , so enormous is the Cruelty and Villainy that I have known there ; for the Gally-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars , the Murtherers in the criminal Dungeons , yea the very Dogs in your House , then are poor wretched Students in the aforesaid College . And , were I King of Paris , the Devil take me if I would not set it on fire , and burn both Principal and Regents , for suffering this Inhumanity to be exercised before their Eyes . Then taking up one of these Bullets , he said , these are Cannon-shot , which your Son Gargantua hath lately received by the Treachery of your Enemies , as he was passing before the Wood of Vede .

But they have been so rewarded , that they are all destroyed in the Ruin of the Castle , as were the Philistines by the Policy of Sampson , and those whom the Tower of Silohim slew , as it is written Luc. 13. My opinion is , that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side , for Occasion hath all her Hair on her Forehead , when she is past you may not recal her ; she is bald in the hind part of her Head , and never returneth again . Truly ( said Grangousier ) it shall not be at this time ; for I will make you a Feast this Night , and bid you welcom .

This said , they made ready Supper , and of extraordinary besides his daily fare , were roasted sixteen Oxen , three Heifers , two and thirty Calves , threescore and three fat Kids , fourscore and fifteen Wethers , three hundred Barrow-pigs sowced in sweet Wine , eleven-score Partridges , seven hundred Snites and Woodcocks , four hundred Loudon and Cornwal-Capons , six thousand Pullets and as many Pigeons , six hundred crammed Hens , fourteen hundred Liverets , three hundred and three Buzzards , and one thousand and seven hundred Cockrels . For Venison , they could not so suddenly come by it , only eleven wild Boars , which the Abbot of Turpenay sent , and eighteen fallow Deer which the Lord of Gramount bestowed ; together with sevenscore Phesants which were sent by the Lord of Essars ; and some dozens of Queests , Coushots , Ring-doves and Woodculvers ; River-fowl , Teals and Awteals , Bittorns , Courtes , Plovers , Francolins , Briganders , Tyrasons , young Lapwings , tame Ducks , Shovelers , Woodlanders , Herons , Moor-Hens , Criels , Storks , Canepetiers , Oronges , Flamans , which are Phaenicopters , Terrigoles , Turkies , Arbens , Coots , Solingeese , Curlews , Termagants and Water-wagtails , with a great deal of Cream , Curds and fresh Cheese , and store of Soupe , Pottages and Brewis with variety . Without doubt there was meat enough , and it was handsomly drest by Snapsauce , Hotchpot and Brayverjuice , Grangousier's Cooks . Ieken , Trudg apace and Clean-glass , were very careful to fill them drink .

CHAP. XXXVIII . How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a Sallet .

THE Story requireth , that we relate which happened unto six Pilgrims , who came from Sebastian near to Nantes : and who for shelter that night , being afraid of the Enemy , had hid themselves in the Garden upon the chichling Pease , among the Cabbages and Lettices . Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry , asked whether they could get any Lettice to make him a Sallet ; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the Country ( for they were as great as Plum-trees , or as Walnut-trees ) he would go thi●her himself , and brought thence in his hand what he thought good , and withal carried away the six Pilgrims , who were in so great fear , they did not dare to speak nor cough .

Washing them therefore first at the Fountain , the Pilgrims said one to another softly , What shall we do ? we are almost drowned here amongst these Lettice , shall we speak ? But if we speak , he will kill us for Spies . And as they were thus deliberating what to do , Gargantua put them with the Lettice into a platter of the House , as large as the huge Tun of the Cister●ians , which done , with Oil , Vinegar and Salt he eat them up , to refresh himself a little before Supper ; and had already swallowed up five of the Pilgrims , the sixth being in the Platter , totally hid under a Lettice , except his Staff that appeared , and nothing else . Which Grangousier seeing , said to Gargantua , I think that is the Horn of a Shell-snail , do not eat it . Why not ( said Gargantua ) they are good all this Month , which he no sooner said , but drawing up the Staff , and therewith taking up the Pilgrim , he eat him very well , then drank a terrible draught of excellent White-wine , and expected Supper to be brought up .

The Pilgrims thus devoured , made shift to save themselves as well as they could , by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the Grinders of his Teeth , but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest Dungeon of a Prison . And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught , they thought to have been drowned in his mouth , and the flood of Wine had almost carried them away into the Gulf of his Stomach . Nevertheless skipping with their Staves , as St. Michael's Palmers use to do , they shelter'd themselves from the danger of that Inundation , under the Banks of his Teeth . But one of them by chance , groping or sounding the Country with his staff , to try whether they were in safety or no , struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth , and hit the mandibulary Sinew , or nerve of the Jaw , which put Gargantua to very great pain , so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt . To ease himself therefore of his smarting ach , he called for his Tooth-picker , and rubbing towards a young Walnut-tree , unnestled you my Gentlemen Pilgrims .

For he caught one by the Legs , another by the scrip , another by the Pocket , another by the Scarf , another by the band of the Breeches , and the poor Fellow that had hurt him with the staff , him he hooked to him by the Codpiece , which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good , for it broke upon him a pocky botch he had in the Groin , which grievously tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis . The Pilgrims thus dislodged ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace , and the pain ceased , even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to Supper , for all was ready . I will go then ( said he ) and piss away my misfortune , which he did do in such a copious measure , that the Urin taking away the Feet from the Pilgrims , they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of Trees : Upon which , as soon as they had taken footing , and that for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road , they on a sudden fell all six , except Fourniller , into a trap that had been made to take Wolves by a train ; out of which they escaped nevertheless by the industry of the said Fourniller , who broke all the snares and ropes . Being gone from thence , they lay all the rest of that night in a Lodge near unto Coudry , where they were comforted in their Miseries , by the gracious words of one of their Company , called Sweertogo , who shewed them that this adventure had been foretold by the Prophet David , Psalm . Quum exurgerent homines in nos , fortè vivos deglutissent nos ; when we were eaten in the Sallet , with Salt , Oil and Vinegar . Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos , forsitan aqua abforbuisset nos ; when he drank the great draught . Torrentem pertransivit anima nostra ; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket . Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem ; that is , the water of his Urin , the flood whereof cutting our way , took our feet from us . Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum : Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium ; when we fell in the trap . Laqueus contritus est , by Fourniller . Et nos liberati sumus . Adjutorium nostrum , &c.

CHAP. XXXIX . How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua , and of the jovial discourse they had at supper .

WHen Gargantua was set down at table , and all of them had somewhat stayed their stomacs ; Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the War , raised between him and Picrocbole and came to tell how Friar Ihon of des Entoumeures , the Funnels , had triumphed at the defence of the Close of the Abbey , and extolled him for his valour above Camillus , Scipio , Pompey , Caesar and Themistocles . Then Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for , to the End that with him they might consult of what was to be done , whereupon by a Joynt consent the Master●d ' Hotel , went for him and brought him along merrily , with his staff of the Cross upon Grangousier's Mule . When he was come a thousand huggings , a thousand embracements , a thousand good days were given : Ha Friar Ihon my friend , Frier Ihon , my brave cousin Frier Ihon , from the Divil , let me clip thee about the neck ; let me have thee in my Arms and must gripe thee , ( my Cod ) till thy back crack ; and Frier Ihon the gladdest Man in the world , never was Man made welcomer , never was any more courteously and graciously received then Friar Ihon. Come , come ( said Gargantua ) a stool here close by meat this end ; with all my Heart ( said the Monk ) seeing you will have it so ; Some water ( Page ) fill , my boy fill , it is to refresh my Liver ; give me some ( child ) to gargle my throat withal , Depositâ cappâ , ( said Gymnast ) let us pull of this frock . Ho by G— Gentleman ( said the Monk ) there is a Chapter in statutis Ordinis , which opposeth my laying of it down : Pish ( said Gymnast ) a fig for your Chapter , this frock breaks both your shoulders , put it off ; my friend ( said the Monk , ) let me alone with it , for by G— I 'le drink the better that it is on , it makes all my Body jocund : If I should lay it aside , the waggish Pages would cut to themselves garters out of it , as I was once served at Coulaines ; and which is worse , I should lose my appetite , but if in this habit I set down at Table , I will drink by G— both to thee and to thy horse , and so courage , frolic , God save the company , I have already supt , yet I will eat never a whit the less for that , for I have a paved stomac , as hollow as St. Benet's boot , always open like a Lawyers pouch . Of all fishes but the Tench , take the wing of a Partridg , or the thigh of a Nunn , doth no● he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiff Catso ? Our Prior loves exceedingly the white of a Capon : in that ( said Gymnast ) he doth not resemble the Foxes ; for of the C●pons , Hens and Pullets which they carry away , they never eat the white : Why ? ( said the Monk ) Because ( said Gymnast ) they have no Cooks to dress them , and if they be not competently made ready , they remain red and not white ; the redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire , except the Shrimps , Lobsters , Crabs and Cray-fishes , which are Cardinalised with boyling ; Gods Fish ( said the Monk ) the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled , for his Eyes are as red as a mazer made of an Alder-tree . The thigh of this Leveret is good for those that have the Gout . Some natural Philosophy ; ha , ha , what is the reason that the Thighs of a Gentlewoman are always fresh and cool ? This Problem ( said Gargantua ) is neither in Aristotle , in Alexander Aphrodiseus , nor in Plutarch . There are three Causes ( said the Monk ) by which that place is naturally refreshed . Primò , because the water runs all along it . Secundò , because it is a shady place , obscure and dark , upon which the Sun never shines . And thirdly , because it is continually blown upon , and aired by a reverberation from the back-door , by the fan of the smock , and flipflap of the Codpiece . And lusty my Lads , some bousing liquor , Page ; so , Crack , crack , crack . O what a good God have we , that gives us this excellent Juice ! I call him to witness , if I had been in the time of Iesus Christ , I would have kept him from being taken by the Iews in the Garden of Olivet ; and the Devil fail me , if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles , who ran away so basely after they had well supped , and left their good Master in the lurch . I hate that Man worse then poison that offers to run away , when he should fight and lay stoutly about him . Oh that I were but King of France for fourscore or an hundred years ! by G— I should whip like curtail-dogs these run-aways of Pavie . A plague take them , why did they not chuse rather to die there than to leave their good Prince in that pinch and necessity ? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away ? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year , therefore , friend , reach me some of that rosted pig there .

Diavolo , is there no more must ? no more sweet Wine ? Germinavit radix Iesse , I renounce my Life , I die for thirst . This Wine is none of the worst . ; what Wine drink you at Paris ? I give my self to the Devil , if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all commers six Months together . Do you know Friar Claude of the high kildrekins ? Oh the good Fellow that he is ! but what Fly hath stung him of late , he is become so hard a Student ? for my part I study not at all . In our Abbey we never study for fear of the mumps . Our late Abbot was wont to say , that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned Monk , by G— Master my friend , Magis Magnos , clericos non sunt , magis magnos sapientes . You never saw so many hares as there are this Year . I could not any where come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon ; my Lord Beloniere promised me a Lanner , but he wrote to me not long ago , that he was become pursie : The Patridges will so multiply henceforth , that they will go near to eat up our ears ; I take no delight in the stalking-horse , for I catch such cold , that I am like to founder my self at that sport , if I do not run , toil , travel and trot about , I am not well at ease . True it is , that in Leaping over Hedges and Bushes my Frock leaves always some of its Wool behind it ; I have recovered a dainty grey-Hound ; I give him to the Devil if he suffer a hare to escape him . A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little , and I robbed him of him ; did I ill ? No Friar Ihon , ( said Gymnast , ) no by all the devils that are , no. So ( said the Monk ) do I attest these same devils so long as they last , vertue G— what could that gowty Limpard have done with so fine a Dog ? by the body of G — he is better pleased , when one presents him with a good yoke of Oxen. How now ? ( said Ponocrates , ) you swear , Friar Ihon ; It is only ( said the Monk ) but to grace and adorn my speech ; they are colours of a Ciceronian Rhetoric .

CHAP. XL. Why Monks are the out-casts of the world ? and wherefore some have bigger noses then others ?

BY the faith of a Christian ( said Eudemon ) I am highly transported , when , I consider what an honest Fellow this Monk is ; for he makes us all merry . How is it then that they exclude the Monks , from all good Companies ? calling them feast-troublers , as the Bees drive away the drones from their Hives ? Ignavum fucos , pecus ( said Maro ) á presepibus arcent . Here-unto answer'd Gargantua , there is nothing so true , as that the Frock and Cowle draw to them the Opprobries , Injuries and Maledictions of the World , just as the Wind call'd Cecias attracts the Clouds , the peremptory reason is , because they eat the Turd of the World , that is to say , they feed upon the Sins of the people : And as a noysom thing , they are cast in●o the Privies ; that is the Convents and Abbyes , separated from civil conversation , as the Privies and Retreats of a House are ; but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is always mocked , and provokingly incensed , you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all Men , both young and old : the Ape keeps not the House as a Dog doth . He draws not in the Plow as the Oxe , he yields neither Milk nor Wool as the Sheep ; he carrieth no burthen as a Horse doth ; that which he doth , is only to conskit , spoil and defile all , which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks , frumperies and bastonadoes .

After the same manner a Monk ( I mean those little , idle lazie Monks ) do not labour and work , as do the Peasant and Artificer , doth not ward and defend the Countrey , as doth the Souldier cureth not the sick and diseased , as the Physician doth ; doth neither preach nor teach , as do the Evangelical Doctors and Schoolmasters ; doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Common-wealth , as the Merchant doth ; therefore ●s it , that by , and of , all Men they are hooted at , hated and abhorred . Yea , but ( said Grangousier , ) they pray to God for us . Nothing less ( answered Gargantua : ) True it is , with a tingle tangle , jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them . Right ( said the Monk ) a Mass , a Matine , a Vesper well rung and half said . They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalms , by them not at all understood : they say many Pa●enotres , interlarded with ave-maries , without thinking upon , or apprehending the meaning of , what it is they say , which truly I call mocking of God , and not Prayers . But so help them God , as they Pray for us , and not for being afraid to lose their Victuals , their Manchots , and good fat Pottage . All true Christians , of all estates and conditions , in all Places and at all times send up their Prayers to God and the Spirit ; prayeth and intercedeth for them , and God is gracious to them . Now such a one is our good Friar Ihon , therefore every Man desireth to have him in his company , he is no bigot , he is not for division ; he is an honest Heart , plain , resolute , good Fellow , he travels , he labours , he defends the oppressed , comforts the afflicted helps the needy and keeps the Close of the Abbey : Nay ( said the Monk ) I do a great deal more then that ; for whilest we are in dispatching our Matines and Anniversaries , in the Quire ; I make withal , some crosse bow-strings , polish glasse-Bottles and Boults ; I twist Lines and weave purse-Nets , wherein to catch coneys . I am never idle ; but Hola , Fill , Fill , some Drink , some Drink , here bring the Fruit ; these Chestnuts are of the Wood of Estrox , and with good new Wine , will make you a Composer of Bumsonnets . You are not yet well liquor'd ; by G— I drink at all Fords like a Promoters horse . Friar Ihon ( said Gymnast ) take away the snot that hangs at your Nose . Ha , ha ( said the Monk ) am not I in danger of drowning , seeing I am in water even to the Nose ? No , no , quare ? quia , tho' it comes out thence abundantly , yet there never goes in any ; for it is well antidoted with Syrrup of the Vine .

O my friend , he that hath winter-boots made of such leather , may boldly fish for Oysters , for they will never take Water . What is the cause ( said Gargantua ) that Friar Ihon hath such a goodly Nose ? Because ( said Grangousier ) that God would have it so , who frameth us in such form , and for such end , as is most agreable to his divine Will , even as a Potter fashioneth his Vessels . Because ( said Ponocrates ) he came with the first to the Fair of Noses , and therefore made choice of the fairest and and the greatest . Pish ( said the Monk ) that is not the reason of it , but , according to the true Monastical Philosophy , it is because my Nurse had soft teats , by vertue whereof , whilst she gave me suck , my nose did sink in as in so much Butter . The hard Breasts of Nurses make children short-nosed . But hey gay , Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi . I am for no sweet Stuff with my Tipple , Boy ; Item , rather some tosts .

CHAP. XLI . How the Monk made Gargantua sleep , and of his Hours and Breviaries .

SUpper being ended , they consulted of the business in hand , and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy , to know what manner of watch and ward they kept ; and in the mean while take a little rest , the better to refresh themselves . But Gargantua could not sleep by any means , on which side soever he turned himself . Whereupon the Monk said to him , I never sleep soundly , but when I am at Sermon or Prayers . Let us therefore begin , you and I , the seven penitential Psalms , to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep . The conceit pleased Gargantua very well , and beginning the first of these Psalms , as soon as they came to Beati quorum , they fell asleep both the one and the other . But the Monk for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of Claustral matines , failed not to awake a little before midnight , and being up himself awaked all the rest , in singing aloud , and with a full clear voice , the song , Awake , O Reinian , awake ; Awake , O Reinian , Ho ▪ Get up for a Pot and a Cake ; With a diddle dum , diddle dum , do .

When they were all rowsed and up , he said , My Masters , it is a usual saying , that we begin Matines with coughing , and supper with drinking ; let us now ( in doing clean contrarily ) begin our Matines , with drinking , and at Night before supper , we shall cough as hard as we can . What ? ( said Gargantua ) to drink so soon after sleep , this is not to live by the rule of Physicians ; for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomac of all its superfluities : O rot your Physicians , said the Monk , a hundred devils leap into my body , if there be not more old Drunkards , then old Physicians . I have made this paction and covenant with my Appetite , that it always lieth down , and goes to Bed with me ( for of that I take very good care ) and then it also riseth with me the next Morning , tend your cures as much as you will , I will get me to my tiring . What tiring do you mean ( said Gargantua ? ) My Breviary ( said the Monk ) for just as the Falconers , before they feed their Hawks , do make them tire at a hens leg , to purge their Brains of flegm , and sharpen them to a good Appetite ; so by taking this jolly little Breviary , in the Morning I scour all my Lungs , and find my self ready to drink .

After what manner ( said Gargantua ) do you say these belly heures of yours ? After the manner of Whipfield , said the Monk , by three Psalms , and three Lessons , or nothing at all , he that will . I never tye my self to hours , les heures are made for the Man , and not the Man for les heures ; therefore is it that I make my Prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers ; I shorten or lengthen them when I think good . Brevis Oratio penetrat coelos , & long a potatio evacuat Scyphos .

Where is that written ? by my faith ( said Ponocrates ) I cannot tell , my Pillicock , but thou art worth gold ; like you Sir , said the Monk ; but venite , apotemus . Then made they ready rashers on the Coals in abundance , and good fat Brewis with Sippets ; and the Monk drank at pleasure . Some kept him company , and did as he did ; others let it alone . Afterwards every Man began to arm and equip himself for battle , and they armed the Monk against his Will ; for he desired no other Armour for Back and Breast , but his frock , nor any other weapon in his hand , but the staff of the Cross ; yet at their pleasure was he armed cap a-pe , and mounted upon one of the best Horses in the Kingdom , with a good slashing sable by his side , together with him were Gargantua , Ponocrates , Gymnast , Eudemon , and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangousier's house , all armed at proof with their lances in their hands , mounted like St. George , and every one of them having a harquebuse behind him .

CHAP. XLII . How the Monk encouraged his Fellow-Champions , and how he hanged upon a Tree .

THus went out those valiant Champions on their adventure , in full resolution , to know what enterprise they should undertake and what to be aware of , in the day of the great and horrible battle . And the Monk encouraged them saying , my Children do not fear , nor doubt , I will conduct you safely : God and Sanct Benedict be with us . If I had strength answerable to my courage , by sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks . I fear nothing but the great Ordnance ; yet I know a Prayer , which the subsexton of our Abby taught me , that will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire engines ; but it will do me no good , because I do not believe it . However , my staff of the Cross , will be the devil Parblen , whoever is a Duck , amongst you , I give my self to the Devil , if I do not make a Monk of him in my stead , and hamper him within my Frock ; which is a cure for cowardise .

Did you never hear of my Lord Meurles his Grey-Hound , which was not worth a straw in the fields ; he put a Frock about his neck , by the body of G — there was neither Hare nor Fox that could escape him , and which is more , he lined all the bitches in the Country , though before that he was feeble-reined , and ex frigidis & Maleficiatis .

The Monk uttering these words in choler , as he past under a walnut-Tree , in his way towards the Causey , he broached the vizor of his Helmet , on the stump of a great branch of the Tree ; nevertheless , he set his spurs so fiercely to the Horse , who was full of mettle and quick on the spur , that he bounded forwards and the Monk going about to ungrapple his vizor , let go his hold of the bridle and so hanged by his hand upon the bough , whilest his horse stole away from under him . By this means was the Monk left , hanging on the walnut-Tree , and crying for help , murther , murther , swearing also that he was betrayed . Eudemon , perceived him first and calling Gargantua , said , Sir , come and see Absalom hanging . Gargantua being come , considered the countenance of the Monk , and in what posture he hanged ; wherefore he said to Eudemon , You were mistaken in comparing him to Absalom ; for Absalom hung by his Hair , but this shaveling Monk hangeth by the Ears . Help me ( said the Monk ▪ ) in the devils Name , is this a time for you to flout , you seem to me the decretalist Preachers , who say , that whosoever shall see his neighbour in danger of death , ought upon pain of trisulk excommunication , rather to admonish him to make Confession and put his Conscience in the state of Grace , then to help him .

And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river , and ready to be drowned , instead of lending them my hand and pulling them out , I shall make them a fine long Sermon de contemptu mundi , & fuga seculi , and when they are stark dead , then go go fish for them . Be quiet ( said Gymnast ) and stir not , my Minion ; I am now coming to unhang thee , for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus , Monachus , in claustro non valet ova duo , sed quando est extra bene valet triginta . I have seen above five hundred hanged , but I never saw any hang with so good a Grace ; truly if I had so good a one , I would willingly hang thus all my life-time . What ( said the Monk ) have you almost done preaching ? help me in the name of God , seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit , or by the habit which I wear , you shall repent it , tempore & loco praelibatis .

Then Gymnast alighted from his horse , and climbing up the walnut-Tree , lifted up the Monk with one hand , by the gushets of his Armour under the Arm-pits , and with the other undid his Vizor from the stump of the broken Branch , which done , he let him fall to the Ground , and himself after . As soon as the Monk was down , he put off all his Armor , and threw away one piece after another about the Field , and taking to him again his Staff of the Cross , remounted up to his Horse , which Eudemon had caught in his running away . Then went they on merrily , riding on the high way .

CHAP. XLIII . How the Scouts and fore-Party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua , and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth , and then was taken Prisoner by his Enemies .

PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat , wherein Tripet was untriped , grew very angry that the Devils should have so run upon his Men , and held all that night a Counsel of War , Hastueau Touquedillon . at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded his power to be such , that he was able to defeat all the Devils of Hell , if they should come to justle with his Forces . This Picrochole did not fully believe , though he doubted not much of it . Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth , for discovering of the Country , the number of sixteen hundred Horsemen , all well-mounted upon light Horses for skirmish , and throughly besprinkled with Holy Water ; and every one for their cognizance had a Star in his Scarf , to serve at all adventures , in case they should happen to encounter with Devils ; that by the Vertue , as well of that Gregorian Water , as of the Stars , they might make the Devils disappear and vanish .

In this Equipage , they made an excursion upon the Country , till they came near to Vauguyon , and to the Hospital , but could never find any body to speak unto ; whereupon they returned a little back , and by chance in a Shepherds Cottage near to Coudray , they found five Pilgrims ; these they carried away bound and manacled , as if they had been Spies , for all the Exclamations , Adjurations and Requests that they could make . Being come down from thence towards Seville , they were heard by Gargantua , who said then unto those that were with him ; Camerades and Fellow Souldiers , we have here met with an Encounter , and they are ten times in number more than we : Shall we charge them or no ? What a Devil ( said the Monk ) shall we do else ? Do you esteem Men by their number , rather than by their valour and prowess ? With this he cried out , Charge , Devils , charge . Which when the Enemies heard , they thought certainly that they had been very Devils , and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive , Draw-forth only excepted , who immediately settled his Lance on its rest , and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his Breast , but coming against his horrific Frock , the point of the Iron , being with the blow either broke off or blunted , it was in matter of Execution , as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little Wax-candle . Then did the Monk with his Staff of the Cross give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his Neck and Shoulders , upon the Acromion bone , that he made him lose both sense and motion , and fall down stone dead at his Horses feet . And seeing the Star which he wore on his Scarf , he said unto Gargantua , these Men are but Priests , which is but the beginning of a Monk , by St. Ihon , I am a perfect Monk , I will kill them like flies . Then ran he after them at a swift and full Gallop , till he overtook the Reer , and felled them down like Tree-leaves , striking athwart and alongst and every way . Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them . To whom Gargantua answered , by no means ; for , according to right military Discipline , you must never drive your Enemy unto Despair . For that such a strait doth multiply his Force , and encrease his Courage , which was before broken and cast down . Neither is there any better help for Men that are out of heart , toiled and spent , then to hope for no Favour at all . How many Victories have been taken out of the Hands of the Victors by the vanquish'd , when they would not rest satisfied with reason , but attempt to put all to the Sword , and totally to destroy all their Enemies , without leaving so much as one to carry home News of the defeat of his Fellows . Open therefore unto your Enemies all the Gates and Ways , and make to them a bridge of Silver rather then fail , that you may be rid of them . Yea , but ( said Gymnast ) they have the Monk : Have they the Monk ? ( said Gargantua ) Upon mine honour then it will prove to their cost : But to prevent all dangers , let us not yet retreat , but halt here quietly ; for I think I do already understand the Policy of our Enemies , they are truly more directed by Chance and meer Fortune , then by good Advice and Counsel . In the mean while , whilst these made a stop under the Walnut-trees , the Monk pursued on the Chase , charging all he overtook , and giving quarter to none , until he met with a Trooper , who carried behind him one of the poor Pilgrims , and there would have rifled him . The Pilgrim , in hope of relief at the sight of the Monk , cryed out , Ha , my Lord Prior , my good Friend , my Lord Prior , save me , I beseech you , save me . Which words being heard by those that rode in the Van , they instantly fac'd about , and seeing there was no body but the Monk that made this great havock and slaughter among them , they lodged him with blows as thick as they use to do an Ass with Wood : But of all this he felt nothing , especially when they struck upon his Frock , his Skin was so hard . Then they committed him to two of the Marshal's Men to keep , and looking about , saw no body coming against them , whereupon they thought that Gargantua and his Party were fled . Then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the Walnut-Trees to meet with them , and left the Monk there all alone , with his two foresaid Men to guard him . Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the Horses , and said to his Men , Camerades , I hear the track and beating of the Enemies Horse-feet , and withal perceive that some of them come in a Troop and full Body against us ; let us rally and close here , then set forward in order , and by this means we shall be able to receive their Charge , to their loss and our honour .

CHAP. XLIV . How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers , and how Picrochole's Forlorn Hope was defeated .

THE Monk seeing them break off thus without Order , conjectured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him , and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them . Then considered he the countenance of the two Keepers in whose custody he was , who would have willingly run after the Troops to get some Booty and Plunder , and were always looking towards the Valley unto which they were going . Farther , he Syllogised , saying , These Men are but badly skilled in matters of War , for they have not required my Parol ; neither have they taken my Sword from me . Suddenly hereafter he drew his long Sword , wherewith he gave the Keeper which held him , on the right side such a sound slash , that he cut clean through the jugularie veins , and the sphagitid arteries of the neck with the gargareon , even unto the two Adenes , and redoubling the blow , he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and the third vertebrae ; there fell down that Keeper stark dead to the ground . Then the Monk reining his Horse to the left , ran upon the other , who seeing his fellow dead , and the Monk to have the advantage of him , cried with a loud Voice , Ha , my Lord Prior , quarter ; I yield , my Lord Prior , quarter , quarter ; my good Friend , my Lord Prior : And the Monk cried likewise , My Lord Posterior , my Friend , my Lord Posterior , you shall have it upon your Posteriorums . Ha , said the Keeper , my Lord Prior , my dear Lord Prior , I pray God make you an Abbot . By the Habit ( said the Monk ) which I wear , I will here make you a Cardinal . What do you use to pay Ransoms to Religious Men ? You shall have by and by , a red Hat of my giving : And the fellow cryed , Ha , my Lord Prior , my Lord Prior , my Lord Abbot that shall be my Lord Cardinal , my Lord All. Ha , ha , hes , no my Lord Prior , my good little Lord the Prior , I yield , render and deliever my self up to you . And I deliver thee ( said the Monk ) to all the Devils in Hell ; then at one stroak he struck off his Head ; cutting his Scalp upon the Temple-bones , and lifting up the two bones Bregmatis , together with the sagittal Commissure , as also a great part of the Coronal Bone ; by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two Meninges , and made a deep wound in the two posterior Ventricles of the Brain ; so that the Cranium abode hanging upon his Shoulders , by the Skin of the Pericranium behind , in form of a Doctor 's Bonnet , black without and red within . Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead .

And presently the Monk gave his Horse the Spur , and kept the way that the Enemy held , who had met with Gargantua and his Companions in the broad High-way , and were so diminished of their number , for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great Tree amongst them , as also Gymnast , Ponocrates , Eudemon and the rest , that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste , as Men altogether affrighted and troubled in both Sense and Understanding ; and as if they had seen the very proper Species and Form of Death before their Eyes . Or rather as when you see an Ass with a brizze under his Tail , or Fly that stings him , run hither and thither without keeping any path or way , throwing down his load to the ground , breaking his Bridle and Reins , and taking no breath nor rest , and no Man can tell what ails him , for they see not any thing touch him . So fled these People , destitute of Wit , without knowing any cause of flying , only pursued by a panic terror , which in their minds they had conceived . The Monk perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their Heels , alighted from his Horse , and got upon a big large Rock , which was in the way , and with his great Brackmard Sword laid such load upon those runaways , and with main strength fetching a compass with his Arm without feigning or sparing , slew and overthrew so many , that his Sword broke in two pieces . Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently , and that the rest should escape to carry News . Therefore he took up a battle-ax of those that lay there dead , and got upon the Rock again , passing his time to see the Enemy thus flying , and to tumble himself amongst the dead Bodies , only that he suffered none to carry Pike , Sword , Lance nor Gun with him , and those who carried the Pilgrims bound , he made to alight , and gave their Horses unto the said Pilgrims , keeping them there with him under the Hedge , and also Touchefaucet , who was then his Prisoner .

CHAP. XLV . How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims , and of the good words that Grangousier gave them .

THIS Skirmish being ended , Gargantua retreated with his Men , excepting the Monk , and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier , who in his Bed was praying unto God for their Safety and Victory . And seeing them all safe and sound , he embraced them lovingly , and asked what was become of the Monk ? Gargantua answered him , that without doubt the Enemies had the Monk ? Then have they mischief and ill luck , said Grangousier , which was very true . Therefore is it a common Proverb to this day ▪ To give a Man the Monk . Then commanded he a good Breakfast to be provided for their refreshment . When all was ready , they called Gargantua , but he was so aggrieved that the Monk was not to be heard of , that he would neither eat nor drink . In the mean while the Monk comes , and from the Gate of the outer Court cries out aloud , Fresh Wine , fresh Wine , Gymnast , my Friend . Gymnast went out and saw that it was Frier Ihon , who brought along with him five Pilgrims , and Touchefaucet Prisoners . Whereupon Gargantua likewise went forth to meet him , and all of them made him the best welcom that possibly they could , and brought him before Grangousier , who asked him of all his adventures . The Monk told him all , both how he was taken , how he rid himself of his Keepers , of the slaughter he had made by the way , and how he had rescued the Pilgrims , and brought along with him Captain Touchefaucet . Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily . In the mean time Grangousier asked the Pilgrims what Countrymen they were , whence they came , and whither they went ? Sweertogo in the name of the rest answered , My Sovereign Lord , I am of Saint Genou in Berry , this Man is of Patvau , this other is of Onzay , this of Argy , and this Man of Villebrenin . We came from Saint Sebastian near Nantes , and are now returning , as we best may , by easie Journeys . Yea , but said Grangousier , what went you to do at St. Sebastian ? We went ( said Sweertogo ) to offer up unto that Sanct our Vows against the Plague . Ah poor Men ( said Grangousier ) do you think that the Plague comes from St. Sebastian ? Yes truly ( answered Sweertogo ) our Preachers tell us so indeed . But is it so ? said Grangousier . Do the false Prophets teach you such abuses ? Do they thus blaspheme the Sancts and Holy Men of God , as to make them like unto the Devils , who do nothing but hurt unto Mankind ? as Homer writeth , that the Plague was sent into the Camp of the Greeks by Apollo ; and as the Poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous Gods . So did a certain old Hypocrite Preach at Sinay , that Saint Antony sent the fire into Mens Legs ; that Saint Eutropius made Men hydropic ; St. Clida● , Fools ; and that St. Genou made them goutish . But I punished him so exemplarily , though he called me Heretic for it , that since that time no such Hypocritical Rogue durst set his Foot within my Territories . And truly I wonder that your King should suffer them in their Sermons to publish such scandalous Doctrin in his Dominions . For they deserve to be chastised with greater severity then those who by Magical Art , or any other Device , have brought the Pestilence into a Country ▪ the Pest killeth but the Bodies , but such abominable Impostors empoison our very Souls . As he spake these words , in came the Monk very resolute ; and asked them , whence are you , you poor Wretches ? of St. Genou ( said they . ) And how ( said the Monk ) doth the Abbot Gullicut , that true toaper , and the Monks , what cheer make they ? Morbleau , they 'll have a fling at your Wives , whilst you are upon your gadding Pilgrimage . Hin , hen ( said Sweertogo ) I am not afraid of mine ; for he that shall see her by day , will never break his Neck to come to her in the night-time . Yea marry ( said the Monk ) now you have hit it ; let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina , she will not keep her Arse dry , if there dwell any Monks near her . For a good Carpenter will make use of any kind of Timber . Let me be pepper'd with the Pox , if you find not all your Wives with Child at your return : For the very shadow of an Abbey-steeple is prolific .

It is ( said Gargantua ) like the Water of Nilus in Egypt , if you believe Strabo and Pliny , lib. 7. cap 3. What Vertue will there be then in their Bullets of Concupiscence , their Habits and their Bodies ?

Then ( said Grangousier ) go your ways , poor Men in the Name of God the Creator , to whom I pray to guide you perpetually ▪ and henceforward be not so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable Journeys . Look to your Families , labour every Man in his vocation , instruct your Children , and live as the good Apostle St. Paul directeth you . In doing whereof , God , his Angels and Sancts will guard and protect you , and no Evil or Plague at any time shall befal you .

Then Gargantua led them into the Hall to take their Refection ; but the Pilgrims did nothing but sigh , and said to Gargantua ; O how happy is that Land which hath such a Man for their Lord ! We have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us , then by all the Sermons that ever were preached in our Town . This is ( said Gargantua ) that which Plato saith , lib. 5. de Republ. That those Commonwealths are happy , whose Rulers Philosophize , and whose Philosophers Rule . Then caused he their Wallets to to be filled with Victuals , and their Bottles with Wine , and gave unto each of them a Horse to ease them upon the way , together with some Pence to live upon .

CHAP. XLVI . How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet his Prisoner .

TOuchefaucet was presented unto Grangousier , and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole , what it was he could pretend to , by this tumultuary invasion ; whereunto he answered , that his end and purpose was to conquer all the Country , if he could , for the injury done to his Cake bakers . It is too great an undertaking said Grangousier and ( as the Proverb is . ) He that gripes too much holds fast but little ; the time is not now so to conquer Kingdoms , to the loss of our nearest Christian brother , this imitation of the ancient Herculeses , Alexanders , Hannibals , Scipios , Caesars and other such Heroes , is quite contrary to the Profession of the Gospel of Christ , by the which we are commanded to preserve , keep , rule and govern every Man his own Country and Lands , and not in a hostile manner to Invade others , and that which heretofore the Saracens and Barbarians called Prowess , we do now call Robbery and Wickedness . It would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories , royally geverning them then to insult and domineer in mine , pillaging and plundering every where , for by ruling his own with discretion , he might have increast his greatness , but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction . Go your ways in the name of God , do what is righteous ; shew your King what is amiss , and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular profit for with the public will also be swallowed up the private . As for your ransom , I do freely remit it to you and will that your Armes and Horse be restored to you ; so should good neighbours do and ancient friends , seeing this our difference is not properly War , as Plato , lib. 5. de repub . would not have it called War but Sedition not when the Greeks took up Arms against one another , and therefore when such combustions should arise , his advice was to behave themselves with all discretion and modesty . Although you call it War , it is but superficial ; it entereth not into the inmost cabinet of our hearts ; for neither of us hath been wronged in his honour , nor is there any question betwixt us in the main ; but only how to redress , by the by , some pretty faults committed by our Men ; I mean , both yours and ours , which although you knew , you ought to let pass ; for these quarrelsom persons deserve rather to be contemned then mention'd , especially seing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong .

God shall be the just Judge of our variances , whom I beseech by death , rather to take me out of this Life , and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine Eyes , then that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged . These words uttered , he called the Monk , and before them all spoke thus unto him : Friar Ihon , my good friend , is it you that took Prisoner the Captain Touchfaucet here present ? Sir , said the Monk , seing himself is here and that he is of the Years of discretion , I had rather you should know it by his confession then by any words of mine . Then said Touchfaucet , my Sovereign Lord it is he indeed that took me , and I do therefore most freely yield my self his Prisoner . Have you put him to any ransom , said Grangousier to the Monk ? No ( said the Monk , ) of that I take no care : How much would you have , for having taken him ? nothing , nothing said the Monk ? I am not swayed by that , nor do I regard it . Then Grangousier commanded , that in presence of Touchfaucet , should be delivered to the Monk for taking him , the some of threescore and two thousand saluts , which was done , whilst they made a colation to the said Touchfaucet ; of whom Grangousier asked , if he would stay with him , or if he loved rather to return to his King . Touchfaucet answered , that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to : Then said Grangousier ) return unto your King , and , God be with you .

Then gave him an excellent Sword a Vienna blade , with a golden scabbard wrought with Vine-branch ▪ like flourishes , of fine Goldsmiths work , and a Coller of gold , weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks garnished , with precious stones of the finest sort , esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand Ducats , and ten thousand Crowns more , as an honourable present .

After this talk , Touchfaucet got to his Horse , and Gargantua for his safety allowed him the guard of thirty Men at Arms , and six score Archers to attend him , under the conduct of Gymnast , to bring him even unto the gate of the rock Clermond , if there were need . Assoon as he was gone , the Monk restored unto Grangousier the threescore and two thousand Saluts , which he had receiv'd , saying , Sir it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts , stay till this War be at an end , for none can tell what accidents may occur , and War begun without good provision of Mony before-hand is but a as blast that will quickly pass away : Coin is the sinews of War . Well then ( said Grangousier ) at the end I will content you by some honest recompence ; as also all those who shall do me good service .

CHAP. XLVII . How Grangousier sent for his Legions and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf , and was afterwards executed by the command of Pricochole .

ABout this same time those of Bess of the old Market , of St. Iames bourg , of the Draggage , of Parille , of the Rivers , of the Rocks St. Pol , of the Vaubreton , of Pautille , of the Brahemont , of Clainbridge , of Cravant , of Grammount , of the Town at the Badgerholes , of Hu●mes , of Serge , of Husse , of St. Livant , of Panzoust , of the Coldraux , of Vernon , of Coulaines , of Chose , of Varenes , of Bourgueil , of the Bouchard Claud , of the Croulay , of Narsie , of Cand , of Monsoreau and other bordering places , sent Ambassadors unto Grangousier , to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him ; and in regard of their Ancient Confederacy , offered him what assistance they could afford , both in Men , Money , Victuals and Ammunition and other necessaries for War . The mony which by the joynt agreement of them all was sent unto him , amounted to sixscore and fourteen Millions , two Crowns and a half of pure Gold .

The forces wherewith they did assist him , did consist in fifteen thousand Cuirasiers , two and thirty thousand light Horsemen , fourscore and nine thousand Dragoons and a hundred and fourty thousand Voluntier Adventurers . These had with them a eleven thousand and two hundred Cannons , double Cannons , Basilisks , and of Pioneers they had seven and fourty thousand all Victualled and pay'd for six Months and four Days of advance ; which offer Gargantua did not altogether refuse , nor wholly accept of ; but giving them hearty thanks , said , that he would compound and order the War by such a device , that there should not be found great need to put so many honest Men to trouble , in the Managing of it . And therefore was content , at that time to give order only for bringing along the Legions , which he maintained at his ordinary Garison-Towns of the Deerniere , Chavignie , of Granot , and of Quinquenais , amounting to the number of two thousand Cuirasiers , threescore and six thousand Foot-Souldires , six and twenty thousand Dragoons , attended by two hundred pieces of great Ordnance , two and twenty thousand Pioneers , and six thousand light Horsemen , all drawn up in Troops , so well befitted and accommodated with their commissaries , sutlers , ferriers , harness-makers , and other such like necessary Members in a military Camp ; so fully instructed in the Art of Warfare , so perfectly knowing and following their colours , so ready to hear and obey their Captains , so nimble to run , so strong at their charging so prudent in their adventures , and every Day so well Disciplined , that they seemed rather to be a consort of Organ pipes , or mutual concord of the Wheels of a Clock , then an Infantry and Cavalry , or Army of Souldiers .

Touchfaucet immediately after his return , presen●ed himself before Picrochole , and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen , and at last endeavoured to perswade him with strong and forcible arguments to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier , whom he found to be the honestest Man in the World , saying further , that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his Neighbours , of whom they never received any thing but good ; and in regard of the main Point , that they should never be able to go through stitch with that War , but to their great Damage and Mischief ; for the Forces of Picrochole were not so considerable , but that Grangousier could easily overthrow them .

He had not well done speaking , when Rashcalf said out aloud ; Unhappy is that Prince , which is by such Men served , who are so easily corrupted as I know Touchfaucet is ; for I see his courage so Changed , that he had willingly joyned with our enemies to fight against us and betray us , if they would have receiv'd him , but as Vertue is of all , both Friends and Foes , praised and esteemed ; so is Wickedness soon known and suspected ; and although it happen the Enemies do make use thereof for their profit yet have they always the wicked , and the Traitors in abomination .

Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient drew out his sword , and therewith ran Rashcalf through the body , a little under the Nipple of his left side , whereof he died presently , and pulling back his Sword out of his Body , said Boldly , So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame , Picrochole incontinently grew furious , and seeing Touchfaucets new Sword and his scabbard so richly Diapred with flourishes of most excellent Workmanship , said , Did they give thee this Weapon , so Felloniously therewith to kill before my Face , my so good friend Rashcalf ? then immediately command'd he his Guard to hew him in peices , which was instantly done , and that so cruelly , that the Chamber was all died with Blood : Afterwards he appointed the Corps of Rashcalf to be honourably , bury'd and that of Touchfaucet to be cast over the Wall into the Ditch .

The news of these Excessive Violences were quickly spread through all the Army ; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole , Insofar , that Pinchpennie said to him , My sovereign Lord , I know not what the Issue of this enterprise will be ; I see your Men much dejected and not well resolved in their Minds , by considering that we are here very ill provided of Victuals , and that our number is already much deminished by three or four Sallies : Furthermore , great Supplies and Recruits come daily into your Enemies ; but we so moulder away , that if we be once Besieg'd , I do not see how we can escape a total destruction . Tush , pish ( said Picrochole ) you are like the Melun Eeles , you cry before they come to you : Let them come , let them come , if they dare ,

CHAP. XLVIII . How Gargantua set upon Picrochole , within the Rock Clermond , and utterly defeated the Army of the said Picrochole .

GArgantua had the Charge of the whole Army , and his Father Grangousier stayed in his Castle ; who encouraging them with good Words , promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service . Assoon as they had gained the Ford of Vede , Boats and Bridges speedily made , they past over in a trice ; then considering the scituation of the Town , which was on a high and advantageous place , Gargantua thought fit to call his Counsel , and pass that night in deliberation upon what was to be done : But Gymnast said unto him , My sovereign Lord , such is the Nature and Complexion of the French , that they are worth nothing , but at the first push . Then are they more fierce then Devils ; but if they be wearied with delays , they prove more faint then Women ; my Opinion is therefore , that now presently after your Men have taken breath , and some small refection , you give Order for a resolute Assault . The advice was found very good , and for effectuating thereof , he brought forth his Army into the plain Field , and placed the reserves on the Skirt or Rising of a little Hill . The Monk took along with him six Companies of Foot and two hundred Horsemen well armed and with great dilligence crossed the Marish , and valiantly got up to the top of the green Hillock , even to the High-way which leads to Loudin . Whilst the assault was thus begun , Picrochole's Men could not tell well which was best to Issue out , and receive the Assailants , or keep within the Town and not to stir : Himself in the mean time without deliberation , sallied forth in a rage with the Cavalry of his Guard , who were forthwith received and royally entertained with great Cannon-shot , that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds , on which the Artillery was planted ; whereupon the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the Valleys , to give the Ordnance leave to play and range with the larger scope .

Those of the Town defended themselves as well as they could , but their shot past over , without doing any hurt at all . Some of Picrocholes Men that had escaped our Artillery , set most fiercely upon our Souldiers , but prevailed little ; for they were all let in betwixt the Files , and there knock'd down to the Ground . Which their Fellow Souldiers seeing , they would have retreated , but the Monk having seized upon the Pass , by the which they were to return , they run away and fled in all the Disorder and Confusion that could be imagined .

Some would have pursued after them , and followed the Chase , but the Monk withheld-them , apprehending that in their pursuit the Pursuers might lose their ranks , and so give occasion to the Besieged to sally out of the Town upon them . Then staying there some space , and none coming against him , he sent the Duke Phrontist , to advise Gargantua to advance towards the Hill upon the left hand , to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that Gate ; which Gargantua did with all Expedition , and sent thither four Brigades under the conduct of Sebast , which had no sooner reach'd the top of the Hill , but they met Picrochole in the Teeth , and those that were with him scattered .

Then charged they upon them stoutly , yet were they much indamaged by those that were upon the Walls , who galled them with all manner of Shot , both from the great Ordnance , small Guns and Bows . Which Gargantua perceiving , he went with a strong Party to their relief , and with his Artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that Canton of the Wall , and so long , that all the strength within the Town , to maintain and fill up the Breach , was drawn thither . The Monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged , void of Men and competent Guards , and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned , did most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his Men towards the Fort , and never left it till he had got up upon it , knowing that such as come to the reserve in a conflict , bring with them always more fear and terror , then those that deal about them with their hands in the fight .

Nevertheless he gave no Alarm till all his Souldiers had got within the Wall , except the two hundred Horsemen , whom he left without to secure his Entry . Then did he give a most horrible shout , so did all these who were with him , and immediately thereafter without resistance , putting to the edge of the Sword the guard that was at that Gate , they opened it to the Horsemen , with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the East-gate , where all the hurly burly was , and coming close upon them in the Reer , overthrew all their Forces .

The besiged seeing that the Gargantuists had won the Town upon them , and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it , submitted themselves unto the mercy of the Monk , and asked for quarter , which the Monk very nobly granted to them , yet made them lay down their Arms. Then shutting them up within Churches , gave order to seize upon all the Staves of the Crosses , and placed Men at the Doors to keep them from coming forth . Then opening the East-gate , he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua . But Picrochole thinking it had been some Relief coming to him from the Town , adventured more forwardly than before , and was upon the giving of a most desperate Home charge , when Gargantua cried out , Ha , Friar Ihon , my Friend Friar Ihon , you are come in a good hour ; which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his Men , that giving all for lost , they betook themselves to their Heels , and fled on all Hands . Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugaudry , killing and slaying all the way , and then sounded the retreat .

CHAP. XLIX . How Picrochole in his flight fell into great Misfortunes , and what Gargantua did after the Battle .

PIcrochole , thus in despair , fled towards the Bouchard Island , and in the way to Rivere his Horse stumbled and fell down , whereat he was on a sudden so incensed , that he with his Sword , without more ado , killed him in his Choler . Then not finding any other whereon to remount , he was about to have taken an Ass at the Mill that was thereby ; but the Millers Men did so baste his Bones , and so soundly bethwack'd him , that they made him both black and blew with strokes ; then striping him of all his Clothes , gave him a scurvy old Canvas Jacket wherewith to cover his Nakedness . Thus went along this poor choleric Wretch , who passing the Water at Porthuaux , and relating his misadventurous Disasters , was foretold by an old Lourpidon Hag , that his Kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes . What is become of him since we cannot certainly tell ; yet was I told that he is now a Porter at Lyons , as testy and chorelic as ever , and always with great Lamentation enquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes , expecting assuredly ( according to the old Woman's Prophesie ) that at their coming he shall be re-establish'd in his Kingdom . The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the Town was to call the Muster-roll of his Men , which when he had done , he found that there were very few either kill'd or wounded , only some few Foot of Captain Tolmeres Company , and Ponocrates , who was shot with a Musket Ball , through the Doublet . Then he caused them all at , and in their several , Posts and Divisions , to take a little Refreshment , which was very plenteously provided for them in the best Drink and Victuals that could be had for Money ; And gave order to the Treasurers and Commissaries of the Army , to pay for , and defray that Repast , and that there should be no Outrage at all , nor Abuse committed in the Town , seeing it was his own . And furthermore commanded , that immediately after the Souldiers had done with eating and drinking , they should be drawn up on the Piazza before the Castle , there to receive six months pay : All which was done . After this by his direction , were brought before him , in the said place , all those that remained of Picrochole's Party ; unto whom in the presence of the Princes , Nobles and Officers of his Court and Army , he spoke as followeth .

CHAP. L. Gargantua's Speech to the Vanquished .

OVR Fore fathers and Ancestors , of all times , have been of this Nature and Disposition , that upon the winning of a Battel , they have chosen rather for a sign and memorial of their Triumphs and Victories , to erect Trophies and Monuments in the Hearts of the Vanquish'd by Clemency , then by Architecture in the Lands which they had conquer'd . For they did hold in greater estimation , the lively remembrance of Men purchased by liberality , than the dumb Inscription of Arches , Pillars and Pyramids , subject to the Injury of Storms and Tempests , and to the Envy of every one . You may very well remember of the Courtesie , which by them was used towards the Bretons , in the Battle of St. Aubin of Comier , and at the demolishing of Partenay . You have heard , and hearing admire their gentle Comportment towards those at the Barriers of Spaniola , when they had plundered , wasted and ransack'd the maritime Borders of Olone and Talmondois . All this Hemisphere of the World was filled with the Praises and Congratulations , which your selves and your Fathers made , when Alpharbal King of Canarre , not satisfied with his own Fortunes , did most furiously invade the Land of Onyx , and with cruel ▪ Piracies molest all the Armoric Islands , and confine Regions of Britany . Yet was he in a set naval Fight justly taken and vanquished by my Father , whom God preserve and protect . But what ? Whereas other Kings and Emperors , yea those who entitle themselves Catholics , would have dealt roughly with him , kept him a close Prisoner , and put him to an extream high ransom : He intreated him very courteously , lodged him kindly with himself in his own Palace , and out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe Conduct , loaden with Gifts , loaden with Favours , loaden with all Offices of Friendship : What fell out upon it ? Being returned into his Country , he called a Parliament , where all the Princes and States of his Kingdom being assembled , he shewed them the Humanity which he had found in us , and therefore wished them to take such course by way of Compensation therein , as that the whole World might be edified by the Example , as well of their honest Graciousness to us , as of our gracious Honesty towards them . The result hereof was , that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous Consent , that they should offer up entirely their Lands , Dominions and Kingdoms , to be disposed of by us according to our Pleasure .

Alpharbal in his own Person , presently returned with Nine Thousand and thirty eight great Ships of burden , bringing with him the Treasures , not only of his House and Royal Lineage , but almost of all the Country beside . For he imbarking himself , to set Sail with a West-North-East Wind , every one in heaps did cast into the Ship Gold , Silver , Rings , Iewels , Spices , Drugs and Aromatical Perfumes , Parrets , Pelicans , Monkies , Civet-cats , black-spotted Weesils , Porcupines , &c. He was accounted no good Mother's Son , that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had .

Being safely arrived , he came to my said Father , and would have kist his Feet : That Action was found too submissively low , and therefore was not permitted , but in exchange , he was most cordially embraced : He offered his Presents , they were not received , because they were too excessive : He yielded himself voluntarily a Servant and Vassal , and was content his whole Posterity should be liable to the same Bondage ; this was not accepted of , because it seemed not equitable . He surrendered by Vertue of the Decree of his great Parliamentary Council , his whole Countries and Kingdoms to him , offering the Deed and Conveyance , signed , sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it . This was altogether refused , and the Parchments cast into the Fire : In the end , this free-good Will and simple Meaning of the Canarriens , wrought such tenderness in my Father's Heart , that he could not abstain from shedding Tears , and wept most profusely ; then by choice words very congruously adapted , strove in what he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices , which he had done them , saying , That any Courtesie he had conferred upon them , was not worth a rush , and what favour so ever he had shew'd them , he was bound to do it . But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repeat thereof : What was the Issue ? whereas for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing , could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand Crowns , and his eldest Sons detain'd as hostages , till that Sum had been pay'd , they made themselves perpetual tributaries , and obliged to give us every Year two millions of Gold at four and twenty Carats fine : The first Year we received the whole sum of two Millions ; the second Year of their own accord , they pay'd freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand Crowns ; the third Year six and twenty hundred thousand ; the fourth Year three millions , and do so increase it always out of their own good will , that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more . This is the Nature of gratitude and true thankfulness : For time which gnaws and diminisheth all things else , augments and increaseth benefits ; because a noble action of liberality done to a Man of reason doth grow continually by his generous thinking of it , and remembring it .

But unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my Parents ; I do now forgive you , set you at liberty and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before . Moreover , at your going out of the Gate , you shall have every one of you three Months Pay to bring you home into your Houses and Families and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred Cuirasiers and eight thousand Foot under the conduct of Alexander , Esquire of my body , that the Clubmen of the Country may not do you any Injury . God be with you ; I am sorry from my Heart that Picrochole is not here ; for I would have given him to understand , that this War was undertaken against my Will , and without any hope to increase either goods or renown ; but seeing he is lost and that no Man can tell where , nor how he went away , It is my will that this Kingdom remain entire to his Son , who because he is too young ( he not being yet full five Years old ) shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes and learned Men of the Kingdom . And because a Realm , thus desolate , may easily come to Ruin ; if the covetousness and avarice of those , who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it ; but not curbed and restrained : I ordain and will have it so , that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governours , with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto and that he be continually with the Child , until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself .

Now I must tell you , that y●u are to understand how a too feeble and diss●lute Facility in pardoning Evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterward more readily ; upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour , I consider that Moses , the meekest Man that was in his time upon the Earth , did severely punish the mutinous and seditious People of Israel . I consider likewise , that Julius Caesar , who was so gracious an Emperor , that Cicero said of him , That his Fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could , and his Vertue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every Man . He notwithstanding all this , did in certain places , most rigorously punish the Authors of Rebellion . After the Example of these good Men , it is my Will and Pleasure , that you deliver over unto me before you depart hence , first , that fine Fellow Marquet , who was the prime , origin and ground-work of this War , by his vain Presumption and Overweening . Secondly , his fellow Cakebakers , who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hair-brain'd Humour in the instant time . And lastly , all the Counsellors , Captains , Officers and Domestics of Picrochole , who had been Incendiaries or Fomenters of the War , by provoking , praising or counselling him to come out of his Limits thus to trouble us .

CHAP. LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the Battle .

WHen Gargantua had finished his Speech , the seditious Men whom he requir'd , were delivered up unto him , except Swash-buckler , Durtaille and Smaltrash , who ran away six hours before the Battle ; one of them as far as to Lanielneck at one course , another to the Valley of Vire , and the third even unto Logroine , without looking back , or taking breath by the way . And two of the Cake-bakers , who were slain in the Fight . Gargantua did them no other hurt , but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-House , which he had newly set up . Then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-Vailey , and Burn-hag-Field , and gave order that the wounded should be drest and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome . After this , considering the great prejudice done to the Town and its Inhabitants , he re-imbursed their Charges , and repair'd all the losses , that , by their Confession upon Oath , could appear they had sustained . And for their better Defence and Security in times coming , against all sudden Uproars and Invasions , commanded a strong Cittadel to be built there with a competent Garrison to maintain it . At his departure he did very graciously thank all the Souldiers of the Brigades , that had been at this overthrow , and sent them back to their Winter-quarters in their several Stations and Garisons . The Decumane Legion only excepted , whom in the Field on that day he saw do some great Exploit , and their Captains also , whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier .

At the sight and coming of them , the good Man was so joyful , that it is not possible fully to describe it , He made them a Feast the most magnificent , plentiful and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus . At the taking up of the Table , he distributed amongst them his whole Cupboard of Plate , which weighed Eight hundred thousand and fourteen Besants of Gold , in great antic Vessels , huge Pots , large Basins , big Tasses , Cups , Goblets , Candlesticks , comfit Boxes and other such Plate , all of pure massy Gold , besides the precious Stones , enameling and workmanship , which by all Mens estimation was more worth than the matter of the Gold . Then unto every one of them out of his Coffers caused he to be given the summ of Twelve hundred thousand Crowns ready Money . And further he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity ( unless he should happen to decease without Heirs ) such Castles and neighbouring Lands of his as were most commodious for them . To Ponocrates he gave the Rock Clermond ; to Gymnast , the Coudray ; to Eudemon , Monpensier ; Rinan , to Tolmere ; to Ithibolle , Montsaurean ; to Acamas , Cande ; Varenes to Chirovacte ; Gravot to Sebast ; Quinquenais to Alexander ; Legre to Sophrone ; and so of his other Places .

CHAP. LII . How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme .

THere was left only the Monk 〈◊〉 ●●ovide for , whom Gargantua 〈…〉 made Abbot of Seville , but he refused 〈…〉 would have given him the Abbey of Bourgueil , or of Sanct Florent which was better , or both , if it pleased him . But the Monk gave him a very peremptory answer , that he would never take upon him the Charge nor Government of Monks . For how shall I be able ( said he ) to rule over others , that have not full power and command of my self . If you think I have done you , or may hereafter do you , any acceptable Service , give me leave to found an Abbey after my own Mind and Fancy . The motion pleased Gargantua very well , who thereupon offered him all the Country of Theleme by the River of Loire , till within two Leagues of the great Forest of Port huaut . The Monk then requested Gargantua to institute his religious Order contrary to all others . First then ( said Gargantua ) you must not build a Wall about your Convent , for all other Abbies are strongly walled and mured about . See ( said the Monk ) and without cause , where there is Mur before , and Mur behind , there is store of Murmur , Envy and mutual Conspiracy .

Moreover , seeing there are certain Convents in the World , whereof the Custom is , if any Woman come ( I mean chaste and honest Women ) they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon . Therefore was it ordained , that if any Man or Woman entered into religious Orders , should by chance come within this new Abbey , all the Rooms should be throughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed . And because in all other Monasteries and Nunneries all is compassed , limited and regulated by Hours , it was decreed that in this new Structure there should be neither Clock nor Dial , but that according to the opportunities and incident occasions , all their Hours should be disposed of . For ( said Gargantua ) the greatest loss of time that I know , is , to count the Hours . What good comes of it ? nor can there be any greater dotage in the World , then for one to guide and direct his Courses by the sound of a Bell , and not by his own Judgment and Discretion .

Item , Because at that time they put no Women into Nunneries , but such as were either purblind , blinkards , lame , crooked , ill-favour'd , mis-shapen , fools , senceless , spoiled or corrupt ; nor encloister'd any Men , but those that were either sickly , subject to defluxions , ill-bred louts , simple sots , or peevish trouble-houses . But to the purpose ( said the Monk ) A Woman that is neither fair nor good , to what use serves she ? To make a Nun of , said Gargantua . Yea ( said the Monk ) and to make shirts and smocks . Therefore was it ordained that into this Religious Order should be admitted no Women that were not fair , well featur'd , and of a sweet disposition : Nor Men that were not comely , personable and well condition'd .

Item , Because in the Convents of Women , Men come not but underhand , privily and by stealth ; it was therefore enacted , that in this House there shall be no Women in case there be not Men , nor Men in case there be not Women .

Item , Because both Men and Women that are received into religious Orders after the expiring of their noviciat or probation-year , were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life ; it was therefore ordered , that all whatever , Men or Women , admitted within this Abbey , shoul have full leave to depart with peace and contentment , whensoever it should seem good to them so to do .

Item , For that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three Vows , to wit , those of Chastity , Poverty and Obedience ; it was therefore constituted and appointed , that in this Convent they might be honourably Married , that they might be Rich , and live at Liberty . In regard of the legitimate time of the persons to be initiated , and years under and above , which they were not capable of reception , the Women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen , and the Men from twelve to eighteen .

CHAP. LIII . How the Abbey of the Thelemites was Built and Endowed .

FOR the Fabric and Furniture of the Abbey , Gargantua caused to be deliver'd out in ready Money Seven and twenty hundred thousand , eight hundred and one and thirty of those golden Rams of Berrie , which have a Sheep stamped on the one side , and a flower'd Cross on the other . And for every year , until the whole work were compleated , he allotted Threescore and nine thousand Crowns of the Sun , and as many of the Seven Stars , to be charged all upon the Receit of the Custom . For the Foundation and Maintenance thereof for ever , he settled a perpetual Fee-farm-rent of three and twenty hundred , threescore and nine thousand , five hundred and fourteen Rose-Nobles , exempted from all homage , fealty , service or burden whatsoever ▪ and payable every year at the Gate of the Abbey ; and of this by Letters Pa●tents passed a very good Grant . The Architecture was in a figure Hexagonal , and in such a Fashion , that in every one of the six Corners there was built a great round Tower of Threescore foot in diameter ; and were all of a like form and bigness . Upon the Northside ran along the River of Loire , on the bank whereof was scituated the Tower called Arctick . Going towards the East , there was another called Calaer ; the next following Anatole ▪ the next Mesembrine ; the next Hesperia , and the last Criere . Every Tower was distant from other the space of Three hundred and twelve paces . The whole Aedifice was every where six stories high , reckoning the Cellars under Ground for one . The second was arch'd after the fashion of a basket-handle . The rest were seeled with pure Wainscot , flourish'd with Flanders fret-work , in the form of the foot of a Lamp ; and cover'd above with fine slates , with an indorsement of Lead , carrying the antic figures of little Puppets , and Animals of all sorts , notably well suited to one another , and guilt , together with the gutters , which jetting without the Walls , from betwixt the cross Bars in a diagonal figure , painted with Gold and Azure , reach'd to the very ground , where they ended into great Conduit-pipes , which carried all away unto the River from under the House .

This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonnivet , Chambourg or Chantillie . For there was in it Nine thousand three hundred and two and thirty Chambers ; every one whereof had a withdrawing Room , a handsom Closet , a Wardrobe , an Oratory and neat passage , leading into a great and spacious Hall . Between every Tower , in the midst of the said body of Building , there was a pair of winding Stairs , whereof the Steps were part of Porphyry , part of Numidian stone , and part of Serpentine marble ; each of those steps being two and twenty foot in length , and three fingers thick , and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest ▪ or landing place . In every resting place were two fair antic Arches where the light came in ; and by those they went into a Cabinet , made even with , and of the breadth of , the said winding , and the re-ascending above the roofs of the House , ending conically in a Pavillion . By that vize or winding , they entred on every side into a great Hall , and from the Halls into the Chambers . From the Arctic Tower unto the Criere , were the fair great Libraries in Greek , Latin , Hebrew , French , Italian and Spanish , respectively distributed in their several Cantons , according to the diversity of these Languages . In the midst there was a wonderful winding-stair , the entry whereof was without the House , in a Vault or Arch six fathom broad . It was made in such symmetry and largeness , that six Men at Arms with their Lances in their Rests , might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the Palace . From the Tower Anatole to the Mesembrine were fair spacious Galleries , all coloured over and painted with the ancient Prowesses , Histories and Descriptions of the World . In the midst thereof there was likewise such another Ascent and Gate , as we said there was on the river-side . Upon that Gate was written in great antic Letters , that which followeth .

CHAP. LIV. The Inscription set upon the great Gate of Theleme . HEre enter not religious Boobies , Sots , Impostors , sniveling Hypocrites , Bigots . Dark-brain-distorted Owls , worse then the Huns Or Ostrogots , forerunners of Baboons . Curs'd Snakes , dissembled Varlets , seeming Sancts , Slipshop Caffards , Beggars pretending wants ; Fomenters of Divisions and Debates , Elsewhere , not here , make sale of your Deceits . Your filthy Trumperies Stuff'd with pernicious Lyes ( Not worth a bubble ) Would only trouble , Our earthly Paradise . Your filthy Trumperies . Here enter not Attornies , Barretters , Nor bridle champing-law Practitioners : Clerks , Commissaries , Scribes nor Pharises , Wilful disturbers of the Peoples ease , Iudges , Destroyers , with an unjust breath , That , like Dogs , worry honest Men to death . We want not your Demurrers , nor your Pleas ; So , at the Gibet go and seek your Fees . We are not , for Attendance or Delays ; But would with Ease and Quiet pass our Days . Law-suits , debates and wrangling Hence are exil'd , and jangling . Here we are very Frolick and merry , And free from all intangling , Law suits , debate and wrangling . Here enter not base pinching Vsurers , Pelf-lickers , everlasting Gatherers ; Gold-graspers , Coin-gripers , Gulpers of Mists , With Harpy-griping Claws , who , tho your Chests Vast summs of Money should to you afford , Would nevertheless be adding to the hoard : And yet not be content ; you cluntchfist dastards , Insatiable Fiends , and Pluto's bastards ; Greedy devourers , chichy sneakbil Rogues ; Hell-mastiffs gnaw your Bones , you rav'nous Dogs . You beastly looking Fellows , Reason doth plainly tell us , That we should not To you allot Room here , but at the Gallows ; You beastly looking Fellows . Here enter not , unsociable Weight , Humoursom Churl , by Day , nor yet by Night . No grumbling Awf , none of the sharping Trade , No huffcap Squire , or Brother o' the Blade . A Tartar bred , or in Alsatia Wars , The Ruffian comes not hither with his Bears . Elsewhere for shelter scour , ye Bully-rocks , And Rogues , that rot with Infamy and Pox. Grace , honour , praise , delight , Here sojourn day and night . Sound Bodies lin'd With a good mind , Do here pursue with might Grace , honour , praise , Delight . Here enter you , and welcom from our Hearts , All noble Sparks , endow'd with gallant Parts . This is the glorious place which nobly shall Afford sufficient to content you all ; Were you a thousand , here you shall not want For any thing ; for what you ask , we grant . The brave , the witty , here we entertain , And , in a word , all worthy Gentlemen . Men of heroic Breasts Shall taste here of the Feasts , Both privily And civily All you are welcom guests , Men of heroic Breasts . Here enter you , pure , honest , faithful , true , Expounders of the Scriptures old and new ; Wh●se Glosses do not the plain truth disguise , And with false light distract or blind our Eyes . Here shall we find a safe and warm retreat , When Error beats about , and spreads her Net . Strange Doctrins here must neither reap nor sow , But Faith and Charity together grow . In short , confounded be their first devise , Who are the Holy Scriptures Enemies . Here in the Holy Word Trust all , with one accord ; It will some help afford : Though you be Knight or Lord , You may find Shield and Sword Here in the Holy Word . Here enter Ladies all of high Degree , Of goodly Shape , of Humour gay and free ; Of lovely Looks , of sprightly Flesh and Blood : Here take , here chuse , here settle your abode . Then gent , the brisk , the fair , whoever comes , With Eyes that sparkle , or whose Beauty blooms . This Bower is fashion'd by a gentle Knight , Ladies , for you ; and innocent Delight . This is design'd a place For every Charming Grace ; The Witty and the Fair Hither may all repair ; For every lovely Face This is design'd a Place .

CHAP. LV. What manner of Dwelling the Thelemites had .

IN the middle of the lower Court there was a stately Fountain of fair Alabaster . Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces , with their Cornucopias , and did jett out the Water at their Breasts , Mouth , Ears , Eyes and other open Passages of the Body . The inside of the Buildings in this lower Court stood upon great Pillars of Cassydonie Stone , and Porphyry Marble , made Arch-ways after a goodly antic fashion . Wi●hin those were spacious Galleries , long and large , adorned with curious Pictures , the Horns of Bucks and Unicorns ; with Rhinosceroses , Water-horses called Hippopotames , the teeth and tusks of Elephants , and other things well worth the holding . The Lodging of the Ladies took up all from the Tower Arctic unto the Gate Mesembrine . The Men possessed the rest , before the said Lodging of the Ladies , that they might have their Recreation between the two first Towers . One the out-side were placed the Tilt-yard , the Theatre and Natatorie ; with most admirable Baths in three Stages , scituated above one another , well furnished with all necessary Accommodation , and store of Myrtle-water . By the River side was the fair Garden of Pleasures ; and in the midst of that of Labyrinth . Between the two other Towers were the Courts for the Tennis and the Baloon . Towards the Tower Criere stood the Orchard full of all Fruit-trees , set and ranged in a quincuncial Order . At the end of that was the great Park , abounding with all sort of Venison . Betwixt the third couple of Towers were the Buts and Marks for shooting with a snap work Gun , an ordinary Bow for common Archery , or with a Cross-bow . The Office-houses were without the Tower Hesperie , of one story high . The Stable were beyond the Offices , and before them stood the Falconry , managed by Ostridge-keepers and Falconers , very expert in the Air. And it was yearly supplied and furnished by the Candians ; Venetians , Sarmates with all sorts of most excellent Hawks , Eagles , Gerfalcons , Gosehawks , Sacres , Lannier , Falcons , Spar-hawks , Marlins , and all other kinds of them ; so gentle and perfectly well manned , that flying of themselves sometimes from the Castle for their own desport , they would not fail to catch whatever they encountred . The Venerie where the Beagles and Hounds were kept , was a little farther off drawing towards the Park ,

All the Halls , Chambers and Closets or Cabinets were richly hung with Tapestry , and Hangings of divers sorts , according to the variety of the Seasons of the Year . All the Pavements and Floors were covered with green Cloath ; the Beds were all Embroidered : In every back-chamber or withdrawing Room there was a Looking-glass of pure Crystal set in a frame of fine Gold , garnished all about with Pearls , and was of such greatness , that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of the person that stood before it . At the going out of the Halls , which belong to the Ladies Lodgings , were the Perfumers and Trimmers , through whose Hands the Gallants past when they were to visit the Ladies . Those sweet Artificers did every Morning furnish the Ladies Chambers with the Spirit of Roses , Orange-flower-water and Angelica ; and to each of them gave a little precious Casket , vapouring forth the most odoriferous Exhalations of the choisest aromatical Scents .

CHAP. LVI . How the Men and Women of the religious Order of Theleme were Apparelled .

THE Ladies at the Foundation of this O●der , were apparelled after their own Pleasure and Liking . But since that of their own accord and free will they have reformed themselves , their Accoutrements is in manner as followeth . They wore Stockings of scarlet Crimson , or ingrained purple Die , which reached just three Inches above the Knee , having a list beautified with exquisite embroideries , and rare incisions of the Cutters Art . Their Garters were of the colour of their Bracelets , and circled the knee a little , both over and under . Their Shooes , Pumps and Slippers were either of red , violet or crimson-velvet , pinked and jagged like Lobster wadles .

Next to their Smock they put on the pretty Kirtle or Vasquin of pure silk Chamlet : Above that went the taffaty or taby Vardingale , of white , red , tawny , gray or of any other colour : Above this taffaty Petticoat they had another of Cloath of tissue or brocado , embroidered with fine Gold , and interlaced with Needle-work , or as they thought good , and according to the temperature and disposition of the Weather , had their upper coats of Satin , Damask or Velvet , and those either orange , tawny , green , ash colour'd , blew , yelow , bright , red , crimson or white , and so forth ; or had them of cloath of Gold , cloath of Silver , or some other choice stuff , inriched with Purple , or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival Days and Times wherein they wore them .

Their Gowns being still correspondent to the Season , were either of cloath of Gold frizled with a silver-raised work ; of red Sattin , covered with Gold purple ; of taby or taffaty , white , blew , black , tawny , &c. of silk Serge , silk Chamlet , Velvet , cloath of Silver , silver Tissue , cloath of Gold , gold Wire , figur'd Velvet , or figur'd Sattin tinselled ▪ and overcast with golden Threads , in divers variously purfled draughts .

In Summer some days instead of Gowns they wore light handsom Mantles , made either of the stuff of the aforesaid Attire , or like Moresco Rugs , of Violet , velvet frizled , with a raised work of Gold upon silver Purle ; or with a knotted Cord-work of Gold embroidery , every where garnished with little Indian Pearls . They always carried a fair Pannache , or plume of Feathers , of the colour of their Muff , bravely adorned and tricked out with glistering Spangles of Gold . In the Winter-time they had their taffaty Gowns of all Colours , as above-named : And those lined with the rich Furrings of Hind-Wolves , or speckled Linxes , black-spotted Weesils , martlet-skins of Calabria , Sables , and other costly Furs of inestimable value . Their Beads , Rings , Bracelets , Collars , Carcanets and Neck chains were all of precious Stones , such as Carbuncles , Rubies , Baleus , Diamonds , Saphirs , Emeralds , Turkoises , Garnets , Agates , Berilles and excellent Margarits , Their Head-dressing also varied with the season of the year , according to which they decked themselves . In Winter it was of the French fashion ; in the Spring of the Spanish ; in Summer of the fashion of Tuscany , except only upon the holy Days and Sundays , at which time they were accoutred in the French mode , because they accounted it more honourable , and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity .

The Men were Apparelled after their fashion : Their Stockins were of Tamine , or of cloath Serge , of white , black , scarlet , or some other ingrain'd Colour : Their Breeches were of Velvet , of the same Colour with their Stokins , or very near , embroidered and cut according to their Fancy . Their Doublet was of cloath of Gold , of cloath of Silver , of Velvet , Sattin , Damask , T●ffa●ies , &c. of the same colours , cut , embroidered and suitably trimmed up in perfection . The points were of Silk of the same colours ; the tags were of Gold well enamelled . Their Coats and Jerkins were of cloath of Gold , cloath of Silver , Gold , Tissue or Velvet embroidered , as they thought fit . Their Gowns were every whit as costly as those of the Ladies . Their Girdles were of silk , of the colour of their Doublets . Every one had a gallant Sword by his side , the hilt and handle whereof were gilt , and the scabbard of Velvet of the colour of his Breeches , with a chape of Gold , and pure Goldsmiths work . The Dagger was of the same . Their Caps or Bonnets were of black Velvet , adorned with Jewels and Buttons of gold ; upon that they wore a white Plume , most pritily and minion-like , parted by so many rows of gold Spangles , at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendency fair Rubies , Emeralds , Diamonds , &c. but there was such a sympathy betwixt the Gallants and the Ladies , that every day they were apparelled in the same Livery . And that they might not miss , there were certain Gentlemen appointed to tell the Youths every morning what Vestments the Ladies would on that day wear ; for all was done according to the pleasure of the Ladies . In these so handsom Cloaths and Abiliaments so rich , think not that either one or other of either Sex did waste any time at all ; for the Masters of the Wardrobes had all their Raiments and Apparel so ready for every Morning , and the Chamber Ladies so well skilled , that in a trice they would be dressed , and compleatly in their clothes from head to foot . And to have those Accoutrements with the more conveniency . There was about the Wood of Theleme a row of Houses of the extent of half a league , very neat and cleanly , wherein dwelt the Goldsmiths , Lapidaries , Jewellers , Embroiderers , Tailors , Gold-drawers , Velvet-weavers , Tapestry-makers and Upholsters , who wrought there every one in his own Trade , and all for the aforesaid jolly Friars and Nuns of the new Stamp . They were furnished with Matter and Stuff from the hands of the Lord Nausiclete , who every year brought them seven Ships from the Perlas and Cannibal Islands , laden with ingots of Gold , with raw Silk , with Pearls and precious stones . And if any Vnions began to grow old , and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre , those with their Art did renew , by tendering them to eat to some pretty Cocks , as they use to give Casting unto Hawks .

CHAP. LVII . How the Thelemites were governed and of their manner of Living .

ALL their life was spent not in Laws , Statutes or Rules , but according to their own free Will and Pleasure . They rose out of their Beds , when they thought good : They did eat , drink , labour , sleep , when they had a mind to it , and were disposed for it . None did awake them , none did offer to constrain them to eat , drink , nor to do any other thing ; for so had Gargantua established it . In all their Rule , and strictest tie of their order , there was but this one clause to be observed .

Do what thou wilt .

Because Men that are free , well-born , well-bred and conversant in honest companies , have naturally an Instinct and Spur that prompteth them unto vertuous Actions , and withdraws them from Vice , which is called honour . Those same Men , when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down , turn aside from that noble disposition , by which they formerly were inclined to Vertue , to shake off and break that bond of servitude , wherein they are so tyranniously inslaved ; for it is agreeable to the nature of Man to long after things forbidden , and to desire what is denied us .

By this Liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation , to do all of them what they saw did please one . If any of the Gallants or Ladies should say , Let us drink , they would all drink . If any one of them said , Let us play , they all played . If one said , Let us go a walking into the Fields , they went all . If it were to go a hawking or a hunting , the Ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced Nags , seated in a stately Palfrey saddle , carried on their lovely fists Miniardly begloved every one of them , either a Sparhawk , or a Laneret , or a Marlin , and the young Gallants carried the other kinds of Haws . So nobly were they taught , that there was neither he nor she amongst them , but could read , write , sing , play upon several musical Instruments , speak five or six several Languages , and compose in them all very quaintly , both in Verse and Prose . Never were seen so valiant Knights , so noble and worthy , so dextrous and skilful both on foot and a horseback , more brisk and lively , more nimble and quick , or better handling all manner of Weapons then were there . Never were seen Ladies so proper and handsom , so miniard and dainty , less froward , or more ready with their hand , and with their needle , in every honest and free Action belonging to that Sex then were there . For this reason when the time came , that any Man of the said Abbey , either at the request of his Parents , or for some other cause , had a mind to go out of it , he carried along with him one of the Ladies , namely her whom he had before that chosen for his Mistress , and were married together . And if they had formerly in Theleme lived in good Devotion and Amity , they did continue therein , and increase it to a greater height in their state of Matrimony : And did entertain that mutual Love till the very last day of their Life , in no less vigour and fervency , then at the very day of their Wedding . Here must I not forget to set down unto you a Riddle , which was found under the Ground , as they were laying the foundation of the Abbey , ingraven in copper Plate and it was thus as followeth .

CHAP. LVIII . A Prophetical Riddle in the Style of Merlyn . POor mortals , who wait for a happy day , Cheer up your Hearts , and here what I shall say ; If it be lawful firmly to beleive , That the Caelestial Body can us give ; Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet Or if from Heaven such Wisdom we may get ; As may with confidence make us discourse Of years to come their destiny and course I to my Hearer give to understand That this next Winter , though it be at hand , Yea and before , there shall appear a race Of Men , who loth to sit still in one place ; Shall boldly go before all peoples eyes Suborning Men of divers qualities , To draw them unto covenants and sides , In such a manner that wha● 're betides , They 'l move you , if you giv● them ear ( no doubt ) With both your friends and kind●ed to fall out ; They make a Vassel to 〈…〉 his Lord , And Children their own Pa●ents , in a Word , All Reverences shall then be banished , No true respect to other shall be had . They 'l say that every Man should have his turn , Both in his going forth , and his return ; And hereupon there shall arise such woes , Such jarrings and confused toes and froes ; That never were in history such coyles , Set down as yet such tumults and garboyls ; Then shall you many gallant Men see by Valour stirr'd up , and youthful fervencie ; Who trusting too much in their hopeful time , Live but a while , and perish in their prime ; Neither shall any who this course shall run , Leave off the Race , which he hath once begun ; Till they the Heavens with noise by their contention , Have fill'd and with their steps the Earths dimension , Then those shall have no less authority , That have no faith , then those that will not lie ; For then shall all be governed by a rude , Base , ignorant and foolish multitude ; The veriest lowt of all shall be their Judge , O horrible and dangerous deluge ! Deluge I call it , and that for good reason For this shall be omitted in no season ; Nor shall the Earth of this foul stir be free , Till suddenly you in great store shall see The Waters Issue out with whose streams the Most moderate of all shall moist'ned be ; And justly too , because they did not spare The flocks of Beasts that innocentest are ; But did their sinews , and their bowels take , Not to the Gods a Sacrifice to make ; But usually to serve themselves for sport , And now consider , I do you exhort . In such Commotions so continual , What rest can take the Globe-terrestrial . Most happy then are they , that can it hold , And use it carefully as precious gold , By keeping it in Goal , whence it shall have No help but him , who being to it gave : And to increase his mournful accident The Sun before is set in th' occident ; Shall cease to dart upon it any light , More then in an Eclipse , or in the night ; So that at once its favour shall be gone , And Liberty with it be left alone ; And yet before it come to ruine thus , Its quaking shall be as impetuous As Aetna's was , when Titan's Sons lay under , And yeild when lost , a fearful sound like thunder . Inarime , did not more quickly move , When Typheu's did the vast huge hills remove ; And for despite into the Sea them threw . Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few , And chang'd suddenly , when those that have it , To other Men that after come shall leave it , Then shall it be high time to cease from this , So long , so great , so tedious exercise ; For the great Waters now foretold by me , Will make each think where his retreat shall be ; And yet before that they be clean disperst , You may behold in the air where nought was erst , The burning heat of a great flame to rise , Lick up the Water , and the enterprise . It resteth after those things to declare , That those shall sit content , who chosen are ; With all good things , and with coelestial Man , And richly Recompensed every Man ; The others at the last all strip't shall b● , That after this great work all Men may see How each shall have his due , this is their lot , O he is worthy-praise that shrinketh not .

No sooner was this aenigmatical monument read over , but Gargantua fetching a very deep sigh said unto those that stood by : It is not now only ( I perceive ) that People called to the faith of the Gospel , and convinced with the certainty of Evangelical Truths are persecuted : But happy is that Man that shall not be scandaliz'd , but shall always continue to the end , in aiming at that Mark , which God by his dear Son hath set before us , without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved Nature .

The Monk then said , What do you think in your Conscience is meant and signified by this Riddle ? What ? ( said Gargantua ) the progress and carrying on of the Divine Truth . By St. Goderan ( said the Monk ) that is not my Exposition ; it is the style of the Prophet Merlin ; make upon it as many grave allegories and glosses as you will and dote upon it , you and the rest of the World as long as you please ; for my part , I can conceive no other meaning in it , but a description of a set at Tennis in dark and obscure terms .

The suborners of Men are the makers of Matches which are commonly friends . After the two Chases are made , he that was at the upper end of the Tennis-Court goeth out , and the other cometh In. They beleive the first , that saith the Ball was over or under the Line . The Waters are the Heats that the Players take till they sweat again . The Cords of the Rackets are made of the Guts of Sheep or Goats . The Globe-terrestrial is the Tennis-Ball . After playing , when the game is done , they refresh themselves before a clear fire , and change their shirts , but very willingly they make all good Cheer , but most merrily those that have gained ; And so farewel .

The End of the first Book .

THE Second BOOK of the WORKS OF Mr. FRANCIS RABELAIS , Doctor in Physick : Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the Good PANTAGRUEL .

Written Originally in the FRENCH TONGUE , And now faithfully Translated into ENGLISH .

By S. T. V. C.

〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ; Mean , speak , and do well .

London , Printed for Richard Baldwin , near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane , 1694.

RABELAIS TO THE READER . ELsewhere , I taught Physicians doubtful Skill , Like other Doctors , how to cure or kill : Here is my Nostrum , that can ne're miscarry ; For all I here prescribe , is to be merry ▪ One Dram of Mirth will sooner mend thy Crasis , Than twenty bitter Draughts , with scurvy Faces . Let Chymist or the Galenist prevail ; Yet sure a Course of Mirth is worth 'em all . No Drug , nor Hellebore , no Rhubarb safe ; O still , the only Physick is to laugh : To which , if this small Book cannot provoke thee , Let Pills , let Bolus , Quack , or Ratcliff choke thee .

THE Author's Prologue .

MOst illustrious and thrice valorous Champions , Gentlemen and others , who willingly apply your Minds to the high flights and harmless sallies of Wit. You have not long ago seen , read and understood the great and inestimable Chronicles of the huge Giant Gargantua ; and like true Men of Faith , have firmly believed all that is contained in them , and have very often past your Time amongst Honourable Ladies and Gentlewomen , telling them fair long Stories when you were out of all other Talk , for which you are worthy of great Praise and sempiternal Memory . And I do heartily wish that every Man would lay aside his own Business , meddle no more with his Profession nor Trade , and throw all Affairs concerning himself behind his Back , to attend this wholly , without distracting or troubling his Mind with any thing else , until he have learned all without Book ; that if by chance the Art of Printing should cease , or in case that in time to come all Books should perish , every Man might truly teach them to his Children , and deliver them over to his Successors and Survivors from hand to hand , as a religious Cabal : for there is in it more Profit , than a Rabble of great pocky Logger-heads are able to discern , who surely understand far less in these little Merriments , than Raclet did in the Institutes .

I have known great and mighty Lords , and of those not a few , who going a Deer-hunting , or a hawking after wild Ducks , when the Chase had not encountred with the Blinks , that were cast in her way to retard her Course , or that the Hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her Wings , perceiving the Prey by force of flight to have gained Bounds of her , have been much chafed and vexed , as you understand well enough ; but the Comfort unto which they had Refuge , and that they might not take cold , who was to relate the inestimable Deeds of the said Gargantua . There are others in the World , ( these are no flimflam Stories ) who being much troubled with the Tooth-ache , after they had spent their Goods upon Physicians , without receiving at all any ease of their Pain , have found no more ready Remedy than to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of Linen Cloth made somewhat hot , and so apply them to the place that smarteth synapising them with a little Pouder of Projection , otherways called Doribus .

But what shall I say of those poor Men that are plagued with the Pox and the Gout ? O how often have we seen them , even immediately after they were anointed and throughly greased , till their Faces did glister like the Key-hole of a Powdering-Tub , their Teeth dance like the Iacks of a pair of little Organs or Virginals when they are play'd upon , and that they foamed from their very Throats like a Boar , which the Mongrel Mastiff-hounds have driven in , and overthrown amongst the Toils : What did they then ? All their Consolation was to have some Page of the said jolly Book read unto them . And we have seen those who have given themselves to an hundred Punchions of old Devils , in case that they did not feel a manifest Ease and Asswagement of Pain , at the hearing of the said Book read , even when they were kept in a Purgatory of Torment ; no more nor less than Women in Travail use to find their Sorrow abated , when the Life of St. Margarite is read unto them . Is this nothing ? find me a Book in any Language , in any Faculty or Science whatsoever , that hath such Virtues , Properties and Prerogatives , and I will be content to pay you a Chapine of Tripes . No , my Masters , no , it is peerless , incomparable , and not to be matched , and this am I resolved for ever to maintain even unto the Fire exclusivè . And those that will pertinaciously hold the contrary Opinion , let them be accounted Abusers , Predestinators , Impostors and Seducers of the People . It is very true , that there are found in some noble and famous Books , certain occult and hidden Properties , in the number of which are reckoned Whippot , Orlando furioso , Robert the Devil , Fierabras , William without fear , Huon of Bourdeaux , Monteville , and Matabrune : but they are not comparable to that which we speak of : And the World hath well known by infallible Experience , the great Emolument and Vtility which it hath received by this Gargantuine Chronicle ; for the Printers have sold more of them in two Months time , than there will be bought of Bibles in nine Years .

I therefore ( your humble Slave ) being very willing to increase your Solace and Recreations yet a little more , do offer you for a Present , another Book of the same stamp , only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of Credit than the other was ; for think not ( unless you wilfully will err against your Knowledg ) that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law . I was not born under such a Planet , neither did it ever befal me to lie , or affirm a thing for true that was not : I speak of it like a jolly Onocrotarie , I should say Preignotary of the martyrized Lovers , and Croquenotarie of Love : Quod vidimus , testamur . It is of the horrible and dreadful Feats and Prowesses of Pantagruel , whose Menial Servant I have been ever since I was a Page till this hour , that by his leave I am permitted to visit my Cow-Country , and to know if any of my Kindred there be alive .

And therefore to make an end of this Prologue , even as I give my self fairly to an hundred Panniers full of Devils , Body and Soul , Tripes and Guts , in case that I lie so much as one single word in this whole History . In like manner St. Anthony's Fire burn you , Mawmet's Disease whirl you , the Squinzy choke you , Botches , Crinckums sink you plumb down to Pegtrantums , Plagues of Sodom and Gomorrah , cram your pocky Arse with Sorrow , Fire , Brimstone , and Pits bottomless swallow you all alive , in case you do not firmly believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle .

The Second Book of RABELAIS , Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the Good PANTAGRUEL .

CHAP. I. Of the Original and Antiquity of the Great Pantagruel .

IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing , seeing we are at leasure to put you in mind of the Fountain and Original Source , whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel ; for I see that all good Historiographers have thus handled their Chronicles , not only the Arabians , Barbarians and Latines , but also the gentle Greeks , who were eternal Drinkers . You must therefore remark , that at the beginning of the World ( I speak of a long time , it is above forty two Quarantains of Nights , according to the supputation of the ancient Druids ) a little after that Abel was killed by his Brother Cain , the Earth imbrued with the Blood of the Just , was one Year so exceeding fertile in all those Fruits which it usually produceth to us , and especially in Medlars , that ever since , throughout all Ages it hath been called the Year of the great Medlars , for three of them did fill a Bushel . In that Year the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacks ; there was that Year noth●ng of the Month of March in the time of Lent , and the middle of August was in May. In the Month of October , as I take it , or at least September ( that I may not err , for I will carefully take heed of that ) was the Week so famous in the Annals , which they call the Week of the three Thursdays ; for it had three of them by means of the irregular Bissextile , occasioned by the Sun 's having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand , like a Debtor afraid of Serjeants ; and the Moon varied from her Course above five Fathom ; and the●e was manifestly seen the Motion of Trepidation in the Firmament , called Aplanes : so that the middle Pleiade leaving her Fellows , declined towards the Equinoctial ; and the Star named Spic● , left the Constellation of the Virgin to withdraw her self tow●rds the Ballance : which are Cases very terrible , and Matters so hard and difficult , that Astrologians cannot set their Teeth in them ; and indeed their Teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither .

However account you it for a Truth , that every body did then most heartily eat of these Medlars , for they were fair to the Eye , and in Taste delicious . But even as Noah that holy Man ( to whom we are so much beholden , bound and obliged , for that he planted to us the Vine , from whence we have that nectarian , delicious , precious , heavenly , joyful and deifick Liquor , which they call the Piot , or Tiplage ) was deceived in the drinking of it , for he was ignorant of the great Virtue and Power thereof : So likewise the Men and Women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great Fruit , but divers and very different Accidents did ensue thereupon ; for there fell upon them all in their Bodies a most terrible Swelling , but not upon all in the same place ; for some were swollen in the Belly , and their Belly strouted out big like a great Tun ; of whom it is written , Ventrem Omnipotentem ; who were all very honest Men , and merry Blades : and of this Race came St. Fatgulch and Shrovetuesday . Others did swell at the Shoulders , who in that place were so crump and knobby , that they were therefore called Montifers , ( which is as much as to say Hill-carriers ) of whom you see some yet in the World of divers Sexes and Degrees . Of this Race came Aesop , some of whose excellent Words and Deeds you have in Writing , Some other Puffes did swell in length by the Member , which they call the Labourer of Nature , in such sort that it grew marvellous long , plump , jolly , lusty , stirring and Crest-risen in the Antick fashion ; so that they made use of it as of a Girdle , winding it five or six times about their Waste : But if it happened the foresaid Member to be in good case , spooming with a full Sail , bunt fair before the Wind , then to have seen those strouting Champions , you would have taken them for Men that had their Lances setled on their Rest , to run at the Ring , or tilting Whintam . Of these believe me the Race is utterly lost and quite extinct , as the Women say ; for they do lament continually , that there are none extant now of those long , plump , &c. you know the rest of the Song . Others did grow in matter of Ballocks so enormously , that three of them would fill a Sack ; from them are descended the Ballocks of Lorrain , which never dwell in Codpieces , but fall down to the bottom of the Breeches . Others grew in the Hams , and to see them , you would have said they had been Cranes , or Flamans , or else Men walking upon Stilts ; the little School-boys called these Iambicks . In others , their Nose did grow so , that it seemed to be the Beak of a Limbeck , in every part thereof most variously diapred with the twinkling Sparkles of Crimson-blisters budding forth , and purpled with Pimples all enamaled with thick-set Wheals of a sanguine Colour , bordered with Queules ; and such have you seen the Prebend Panzoul , and Woodenfoot the Physician of Angiers : of which Race there were few that liked the Ptisane , but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure septembral Iuice . Naso and Ovid had their Extraction from thence , and all those of whom it is written , Ne reminiscaris . Others grew in Ears , which they had so big , that out of one would have been stuff enough got to make a Doublet , a pair of Breeches and a Jacket , whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with a Spanish Cloak : and they say , that in Bourbonois this Race remaineth yet : And from thence they are called the Ears of Burbon . Others grew in length of Body , and of those came the Giants , and of them Pantagruel .

And the first was Chalbroth , who begat Sarabroth , who begat Faribroth , who begat Hurtali , that was a brave Eater of Pottage , and reigned in the time of the Elood ; who begat Nembroth , who begat Atlas , that with his Shoulders kept the Sky from falling ; who begat Goliah , who begat Erix , that invented the Hocus Pocus-Plays of Legerdemain ; who begat Titius , who begat Eryon , who begat Poliphemus , who begat Cacos , who begat Etion , the first Man that ever had the Pox , for not drinking fresh in Summer , as Burtachin witnesseth ; who begat Enceladus , who begat Ceus , who begat Tiphaeus , who begat Alaeus , who begat Othus , who begat Aegeon , who begat Briareus , that had an hundred Hands ; who begat Porphyrio , who begat Adamastor , who begat Anteus , who begat Agatho , who begat Porus , against whom fought Alexander the Great ; who begat Aranthas , who begat Cabbara , that was the first Inventor of drinking of Healths ; who begat Goliah of Secondille , who begat Offot , that was terribly well-nosed for drinking at the Barrel-head ; who begat Artachaeus , who begat Oromedon , who begat Gemmagog , the first Inventor of Poulan-Shoes , which are open on the Foot , and tied over the Instep with a Latchet ; who begat Sisyphus , who begat the Titans , of whom Hercules was born ; who begat Enay , the most skilful Man that ever was , in matter of taking the little Worms out of the Hands ; who begat Fierabras , that was vanquished by Oliver Peer of France , and Rowland's Camerade ; who begat Morgan , the first in the World that play'd at Dice with Spectacles ; who begat Fracassus , of whom Merlin Coccaius hath written , and of him was born Ferragus ; who begat Hapmouche , the first that ever invented the drying of Neats-Tongues in the Chimney ; for before that People salted them as they do now Gammons of Bacon : who begat Bolivorax , who begat Longis , who begat Gayoffo , whose Ballocks were of Poplar , and his Pr— of the Servise , or Sorb-Apple-Tree : who begat Maschefain , who begat Bruslefer , who begat An●●ulevent , who begat Galehant , the Inventor of Flagons ; who begat Mirelangant , who begat Gallaffre , who begat Salourdin , who begat Roboast , who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres , who begat Brusbant of Mommiere , who begat Bruyer , that was overcome by Ogier the Dane , Peer of France ; who begat Mabrun , who begat Foutasnon , who begat Haquelebas , who begat Vitdegrain , who begat Grangousier , who begat Gargantua , who begat the noble Pantagruel my Master .

I know that reading this Passage , you will make a doubt within your selves , and that grounded upon very good Reason , which is this , How is it possible that this Relation can be true , seeing at the time of the Flood all the World was destroyed except Noah , and seven Persons more with him in the Ark , into whose number Hurtali is not admitted : Doubtless the Demand is well made , and very apparent ; but the Answer shall satisfy you , or my Wit is not rightly caulked : and because I was not at that time to tell you any thing of my own fancy , I will bring unto you the Authority of the Masorets , good honest Fellows , true Ballockeering Blades , and exact Hebraical Bagpipers , who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within the Ark of Noah , ( neither could he get in , for he was too big ) but he sat astride upon it , with one Leg on the one side , and another on the other , as little Children used to do upon their wooden Horses ; or as the great Bull of Berne , which was killed at Marinian , did ride for his Hackney the great Murdering-Piece , a pretty Beast of a fair and pleasant Amble without all question .

In that posture he , after God , saved the said Ark from danger , for with his Legs he gave it the Brangle that was needful , and with his Foot turned it whither he pleased , as a Ship answereth her Rudder . Those that were within sent him up Victuals in abundance by a Chimney , as People very thankfully acknowledging the Good that he did them : And sometimes they did talk together , as Varomenippus did to Iupiter , according to the report of Lucian . Have you understood all this well ? Drink then one good draught without Water , for if you believe it not : No truly do I not , quoth she .

CHAP. II. Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel .

GArgantua at the Age of four hundred fourscore forty and four Years begat his Son Pantagruel , upon his Wife named Badebec , Daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Vtopia , who died in Child-birth ; for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish , that he could not possibly come forth into the Light of the World , without thus suffocating his Mother . But that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the Name of Pantagruel , which at his Baptism was given him , you are to remark , that in that Year there was so great Drought over all the Country of Afri●k , that there past thirty and six Months , three Weeks , four Days , thirteen Hours , and a little more without Rain , but with a Heat so vehement , that the whole Earth was parched and withered by it : Neither was it more scorched and dried up with Heat in the days of Elijah , than it was at that time ; for there was not a Tree to be seen , that had either Leaf or Bloom upon it : the Grass was without Verdure or Greenness , the Rivers were drained , the Fountains dried up , the poor Fishes abandoned and forsaken by their proper Element , wandring and crying upon the Ground most horribly : the Birds did fall down from the Air for want of Moisture and Dew wherewith to refresh them : the Wolves , Foxes , Harts , Wild-Boars , Fallow-Deer , Hares , Coneys , Weesils , Brocks , Badgers , and other such Beasts were found dead in the Fields with their Mouths open . In respect of Men , there was the Pity , you should have seen them lay out their Tongues like Hares that have been run six Hours ; many did throw themselves into the Wells ; others entred within a Cow's Belly to be in the Shade ; those Homer calls Alibants : all the Country was at a stand , and nothing could be done ; it was a most lamentable case to have seen the Labour of Mortals in defending themselves from the Vehemency of this horrifick Drought ; for they had work enough to do to save the holy Water in the Churches from being wasted : but there was such order taken by the Counsel of my Lords the Cardinals , and of our Holy Father , that none did dare to take above one lick ; yet when any one came into the Church , you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty Fellows hang upon him that was the Distributer of the Water , and that with a wide open Throat , gaping for some little drop ( like the rich Glutton in St. Luke ) that might fall by , lest any thing should be lost . O how happy was he in that Year who had a cool Cellar under ground , well plenished with fresh Wine !

The Philosopher reports in moving the Question , Wherefore is it that the Sea-Water is salt ? That at the time when Phoebus gave the Government of his resplendent Chariot to his Son Phaeton , the said Phaeton , unskilful in the Art , and not knowing how to keep the Ecliptick-Line betwixt the two Tropicks of the Latitude of the Sun's Course , strayed out of his way , and came so near the Earth , that he dried up all the Countries that were under it , burning a great part of the Heaven , which the Philosophers call Via lactea , and the Huffsnuffs , St. Iames his way ; altho the most lofty and high-crested Poets affirm that to be the place where Iuno's Milk fell when she gave Suck to Hercules .

The Earth at that time was so excessively heated , that it fell into an enormous Sweat , yea such an one that made it sweat out the Sea , which is therefore salt , because all Sweat is salt ; and this you cannot but confess to be true , if you will taste of your own , or of those that have the Pox when they are put into a sweating , it is all one to me . Just such another case fell out this same Year ; for on a certain Friday , when the whole People were bent upon their Devotions , and had made goodly Processions , with store of Letanies , and fair Preachings , and Beseechings of God Almighty to look down with his Eye of Mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate Condition , there was even then visibly seen issue out of the Ground great drops of Water , such as fall from a Man in a top Sweat ; and the poor Hoydons began to rejoice , as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them ; for some said that there was not one drop of Moisture in the Air , whence they might have any Rain , and that the Earth did supply the default of that . Other learned Men said , that it was a Shower of the Antipodes , as Seneca saith in his fourth Book Quaestionum Naturalium , speaking of the Source and Spring of Nilus ; but they were deceived ; for the Procession being ended , when every one went about to gather of this Dew , and to drink of it with full Bowls , they found that it was nothing but Pickle , and the very Brine of Salt , more brackish in Taste than the saltest Water of the Sea : and because in that very Day Pantagruel was born , his Father gave him that Name ; for Panta in Greek is as much as to say all , and Gruel in the Hagarene Language doth signify thirsty ; inferring hereby , that at his Birth the whole World was adry and thirsty ; as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day Supream Lord and Soveraign of the thirsty Companions , which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign ; for when his Mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth , and that the Midwives did wait to receive him , there came first out of her Belly threescore and eight Salt-sellers , every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaded with Salt ; after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries , with great Loads of Gammons of Bacon , and dried Neats-Tongues on their Backs ; then followed seven Camels loaded with Links and Chitterlins , Hogs-puddings and Sassages ; after them came out five great Wains full of Leeks , Garlick , Onions and Chibols , drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses , which was six for every one , besides the Thiller . At the sight hereof the Midwives were much amazed ; yet some of them said , Lo , here is good Provision , and indeed we need it , for we drink but lazily , as if our Tongues walked on Crutches : truly this is a good sign there is nothing here but what is fit for us , these are the Spurs of Wine that set it a going . As they were tatling thus together after their own manner of Chat , behold , out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a Bear ; whereupon one of them inspired with a Prophetical Spirit , said , This will be a terrible Fellow , he is born with all his Hair , he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things ; and if he live , he will be of Age.

CHAP. III. Of the Grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the Decease of his Wife Badebec .

WHen Pantagruel was born , there was none more astonished and perplexed than was his Father Gargantua ; for on the one side seeing his Wife Badebec dead , and on the other side his Son Pantagruel born , so fair and so goodly , he knew not what to say nor what to do ; and the Doubt that troubled his Brain , was to know whether he should cry for the Death of his Wife , or laugh for the Joy of his Son : he was hinc inde choaked with Sophistical Arguments , for he framed them very well in modo & figura , but he could not resolve them , remaining pestered and entangled by this means , like a Mouse catch'd in a Trap , or Kite snar'd in a Gin. Shall I weep ? ( said he ) Yes , for why ? my so good Wife is dead , who was the most this , the most that , that ever was in the World : Never shall I see her , never shall I recover such another ; it is unto me an inestimable Loss ! O my good God , what had I done that thou shouldst thus punish me ? Why didst thou not take me away before her ? seeing for me to live without her , is but to languish . Ah , Badebec , Badebec , my Minion , my dear Heart , my Pigsney , my Duck , my Honey , my little C — ( yet it hath in Circumference full six Acres , three Rods , five Poles , four Yards , two Feet , one Inch and a half of good Woodland Measure ) my tender Peggy , my Codpiece-Darling , my bob and hit , my Slipshoe-Lovy , never shall I see thee ! Ah , poor Pantagruel , thou hast lost thy good Mother , thy sweet Nurse , thy well-beloved Lady ! O false Death , how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me ? How malicious and outragious have I found thee , in taking her from me , my well-beloved Wife , who should of right have been immortal ?

With these words he did cry like a Cow , but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calf , when Pantagruel came into his Mind . Ha , my little Son ( said he ) my Childilolly , Fedlifondy , Dandlichucky , my Ballocky , my pretty Rogue ; O how jolly thou art , and how much am I bound to my gracious God , that hath been pleased to bestow on me a Son so fair , so spriteful , so lively , so smiling , so pleasant , and so gentle . Ho , ho , ho , ho , how glad I am ? Let us drink , ho , and put away Melancholy ; bring of the best , rinse the Glasses , lay the Cloth , drive out these Dogs , blow this Fire , light Candles , shut that Door there , cut this Bread in sippets for Brewis , send away these poor Folks , give them what they ask ; hold my Gown , I will strip my self into my Doublet , ( én cuerpo ) to make the Gossips merry , and keep them company .

As he spake this , he heard the Letanies and the Memento's of the Priests that carried his Wife to be buried , which dash'd all his Merriment agen , and was suddenly ravished another way , saying , Lord God , must I again contrist my self ? this grieves me , I am no longer young , I grow old , the Weather is dangerous , I am sick , I faint away ; by the Faith of a Gentleman , it were better to cry less , and drink more .

My Wife is dead , well , by G— ( da jurandi ) I shall not raise her again by my crying : she is well , she is in Paradise at least , if she be no higher : she prayeth to God for us , she is happy , she is above the sense of our Miseries , nor can our Calamities reach her : What tho she be dead , must not we also die ? the same Debt which she hath paid , hangs over our Heads ; Nature will require it of us , and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce : let her pass then , and the Lord preserve the Survivors , for I must now cast about how to get another Wife . But I will tell you what you shall do , said he to the Midwives , ( where be they , good Folks , I cannot see them ) go you to my Wife's Interment , and I will the while rock my Son ; for I find my self strangely altered , and in danger of falling sick : but drink one good Draught first , you will be the better for it ; believe me upon my Honour . They at his requst went to her Burial and Funeral Obsequies ; in the mean while , poor Gargantua staying at home , and willing to have somewhat in Remembrance of her to be engraven upon her Tomb , made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth .

Dead is the noble Badebec , Who had a Face like a Rebeck ; A Spanish Body and a Belly Of Swisserland ; she dy'd , I tell ye , In Child-birth ; pray to God that her He pardon wherein she did err . Here lies her Body , which did live Free from all Vice , as I believe ; And did decease at my Bed-side , The Year and Day in which she dy'd .

CHAP. IV. Of the Infancy of Pantagruel .

I Find by the Ancient Historiographers and Poets , that divers have been born in this World after very strange manners , which would be too long to repeat ; read therefore the seventh Chapter of Pliny , if you have so much leisure ; yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel ; for it is a very difficult matter to believe , how in the little time he was in his Mother's Belly , he grew both in Body and Strength . That which Hercules did was nothing , when in his Cradle he slew two Serpents ; for those Serpents were but little and weak : but Pantagruel being ye● in his Cradle , did far more admirable things , and more to be amazed at . I pass by here the Relation of how at every one of his Meals he supped up the Milk of four thousand and six hundred Cows ; and how to make him a Skellet to boil his Milk in , there were set awork all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjoy , of Villedieu in Normandy , and of Bramont in Lorrain : and they served in this Whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell , which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berry , near the Palace : but his Teeth were already so well grown , and so strengthned in Vigor , that of the said Bell he bit off a great Morsel , as very plainly doth appear till this hour .

One Day in the Morning when they would have made him suck one of his Cows ( for he never had any other Nurse , as the History tells us ) he got one of his Arms loose from the swadling Bands , wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle , laid hold on the said Cow under the left fore-Ham , and grasping her to him , ate up her Udder and half her Paunch , with the Liver and the Kidnies , and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly , as if the Wolves had held her by the Legs : at which Noise Company came in and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel ; yet could they not so well do it , but that the Quarter whereby he caught her was left in his Hand , of which Quarter he gulp'd up the Flesh in a trice , even with as much ease as you would eat a Sassage ; and that so greedily with desire of more , that when they would have taken away the Bone from him , he swallowed it down whole , as a Cormorant would do a little Fish ; and afterwards began fumblingly to say , Good , good , good , for he could not yet speak plain , giving them to understand thereby , that he had found it very good , and that he did lack but so much more ; which when they saw that attended him , they bound him with great Cable-Ropes , like those that are made at Tain for the Carriage of Salt to Lyons ; or such as those are whereby the great French Ship rides at Anchor in the Road of New-haven in Normandy . But on a certain time , a great Bear which his Father had bred , got loose , came towards him , began to lick his Face , for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his Chaps ; at which unexpected approach , being on a sudden offended , he as lightly rid himself of those great Cables , as Samson did of the Hauser Ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him , and by your leave , takes up Monsieur the Bear , and tears him to you in pieces like a Pullet , which served him for a Gorge-full , or good warm Bit for that Meal .

Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the Child should hurt himself , caused four great Chains of Iron to be made to bind him , and so many strong Wooden Arches unto his Cradle , most firmly stocked and mortaised in huge Frames : Of those Chains you have one at Rochel , which they drew up at Night betwixt the two great Towers of the Haven . Another is at Lyons ; a third at Angiers ; and the fourth was carried way by the Devils to bind Lucifer , who broke his Chains in those days , by reason of a Cholick that did extraordinarily torment him , taken with eating a Serjeant's Soul en Fricasseé , for his Breakfast : And therefore you may believe that which Nicolas de Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter , where it is written , Et Og Regem Basan ; that the said Og being yet little , was so strong and robustious , that they were fain to bind him with Chains of Iron in his Cradle . Thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet , for he was not able so easily to break those Chains , especially having no room in the Cradle to give a swing with his Arms. But see what happened ; Once upon a great Holiday , that his Father Gargantua made a sumptuous Banquet to all the Princes of his Court : I am apt to believe , that the Menial Officers of the House were so imbusied in waiting each on his proper Service at the Feast , that no body took care of poor Pantagruel , who was left a reculorum , behind-hand all alone , and as forsaken . What did he ? Heark what he did , good People ; he strove and essayed to break the Chains of the Cradle with his Arms , but could not , for they were too strong for him ; then did he keep with his Feet such a stamping Stir , and so long , that at last he beat out the lower end of his Cradle , which notwithstanding was made of a great Post five Foot in square ; and as soon as he had gotten out his Feet , he slid down as well as he could , till he had got his Soles to the Ground ; and then with a mighty force he rose up , carrying his Cradle upon his Back , bound to him like a Tortoise that crawls up against a Wall ; and to have seen him , you would have thought it had been a great Carrick of five hundred Tun upon one end . In this manner he entred into the great Hall , where they were banqueting , and that very boldly , which did much afright the Company ; yet because his Arms were tied in , he could not reach any thing to eat , but with great Pain stopped now and then a little , to take with the whole flat of his Tongue some Lick , good Bit or Morsel .

Which when his Father saw , he knew well enough that they had left him without giving him any thing to eat , and therefore commanded that he should be loosed from the said Chains , by the Counsel of the Princes and Lords there present : Besides that , also the Physicians of Gargantua said , that if they did thus keep him in the Cradle , he would be all his Life-time subject to the Stone . When he was unchain'd , they made him to sit down , where after he had fed very well , he took his Cradle and broke it into more than five hundred thousand pieces with one Blow of his Fist that he struck in the midst of it , swearing that he would never come into it again .

CHAP. V. Of the Acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful Age.

THus grew Pantagruel from day to day , and to every ones Eye waxed more and more in all his Dimensions , which made his Father to rejoice by a natural Affection ; therefore caused he to be made for him , whilst he was yet little , a pretty Cross-bow , wherewith to shoot at small Birds , which now they call the great Cross-bow at Chantelle . Then he sent him to the School to learn , and to spend his Youth in Vertue : in the Prosecution of which Design he came first to Poictiers , where , as he studied and profited very much , he saw that the Scholars were oftentimes idle , and knew not how to bestow their Time , which moved him to take such Compassion on them , that one day he took from a long Ledg of Rocks ( called there Passelourdin ) a huge great Stone , of about twelve Fathom square , and fourteen Handfuls thick , and with great Ease set it upon four Pillars in the midst of a Field to no other end , but that the said Scholars when they had nothing else to do , might pass their time in getting up on that Stone , and feast it with store of Gammons , Pasties and Flaggons , and carve their Names upon it with a Knife ; in token of which Deed , till this hour the Stone is called the lifted Stone : and in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the Register and Matricular Book of the said University , or accounted capable of taking any Degree therein , till he have first drunk in the Caballine Fountain of Croustelles , passed at Passelourdin , and got up upon the lifted Stone .

Afterwards reading the delectable Chronicles of his Ancestors , he found that Iafrey of Lusinian , called Iafrey with the great Tooth , Grandfather to the Cousin-in-Law of the eldest Sister of the Aunt of the Son-in-Law of the Unkle of the good Daughter of his Step-mother , was interred at Maillezais ; therefore he took a Play-day to pay his Respects to him in a Visit ; and going from Poictiers with some of his Companions , they passed by the Guge , visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon : then by Lusinian , by Sansay , by Celles , by Coalonges , by Fontenay the Conte , saluting the learned Tiraquean , and from thence arrived at Maillezais , where he went to see the Sepulchre of the said Iafrey with the great Tooth , which made him somewhat afraid , looking upon the Portraiture , representing a Man in an extream Fury , drawing his great Malchus Faulchion half way out of his Scabbard . When the reason hereof was demanded , the Chanons of the said Place told him that there was no other cause of it , but that Pictoribus atque Poetis , &c. that is to say , that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own Fancy : but he was not satisfied with their Answer , and said , He is not thus painted without a cause ; and I suspect that at his Death there was some Wrong done him , whereof he requireth his Kindred to take Revenge ; I will enquire further into it , and then do what shall be reasonable : then he returned not to Poictiers , but would take a view of the other Universities of France ; therefore going to Rochel , he took Shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux , where he found no great Diversion , only now and then he would see some Mariners and Lightermen a wrestling on the Key or Strand by the River side . From thence he came to Tholouse , where he learned to dance very well , and to play with the two-handed Sword , as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is . But he staid not long there , when he saw that they did cause burn their Regents alive , like Red-herring , saying , Now God forbid that I should die this Death , for I am by Nature sufficienly dry already , without being heated any further .

He went then to Monpellier , where he met with the good Wives of Mirevaux , and good jovial Company withal , and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick ; but he considered that that Calling was too troublesome and melancholy , and that Physicians did smell of Glisters like old Devils : therefore he resolved he would study the Laws ; but seeing that there were but three scauld , and one bald-pated Legist in that place , he departed from thence , and in his way made the Bridg of Gard , and the Amphitheater of Neems in less than three hours , which nevertheless seems to be more than mortal Man could do . After that he came to Avignon , where he was not above three days before he fell in love ; for the Women there take great delight in playing at the close Buttock-Game , because it is Papal Ground ; which his Tutor Epistemon perceiving , he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee , where he saw no great matter of Recreation , only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars ; which so incensed him with Anger , that when upon a certain very fair Sunday , the People being at their publick dancing in the Streets , and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the Ring , the Bumkins would not let him : whereupon Pantagruel taking the Scholar's part , so belaboured them with Blows , and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him , even to the Brink of the River Rhosne , and would have there drowned them , but that they did squat to the Ground , and there lay close a full half League under the River . The Hole is to be seen there yet .

After that he departed from thence , and in three Strides and one Leap came to Angiers , where he found himself very well , and would have continued there some space , but that the Plague drove them away . So from thence he came to Bourges , where he studied a good long time , and profited very much in the Faculty of the Laws ; and would sometimes say , that Law-Books were like a wonderful rich Cloth of Gold , edg'd with Fur ; for in the World are no goodlier Books to be seen , more ornate , nor more eloquent than the Texts of the Pandects ; but the bordering of them , that is to say , the Gloss of Accursius , is so vile , mean and scandalous , that it is nothing but Dirt and Excrement .

Going from Bourges , he came to Orleans , where he found store of sparkish Scholars that made him great Entertainment at his coming , and with whom he learned to play at Tennis so well , that he was a Master at that Game : for the Students there are excellent at it . And sometimes they carried him unto Cupid's Gardens , there to recreate his Person at the Poussevant , or In and In. As for breaking his Head with over-much study , he had an especial care not to do it in any case for fear of spoiling his Eyes ; which he the rather observed , for that one of the Regents there had often in his Lectures maintain'd , that nothing could be so hurtful to the sight , as to have sore Eyes . So one day , when a Scholar of his Acquaintance ( who had of Learning not much more than his Brethren , tho instead of that he could dance very well , and play at Tennis ) was made a Licentiate in Law , he blazon'd the Licentiates of that University in this manner .

In his Hand is always a Racket , Or else is his Hand in a Placket : In a Dance he neatly can trip it ; And for Law , it is all in his Tippet .

CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin , who affected to speak in learned Phrase .

UPon a certain day , I know not when , Pantagruel walking after Supper with some of his Fellow-Students , without that Gate of the City through which we enter on the Rode to Paris , encounter'd with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way ; and after they had saluted one another , asked him thus , My Friend , from whence comest thou now ? The Scholar answered him , From the Alme , inclyte and celebrate Academy , which is vocitated Lutetia . What is the meaning of this ( said Pantagruel ) to one of his Men ? It is ( answered he ) from Paris . Thou comest from Paris then ( said Pantagruel ) and how do you spend your time there , you my Masters the Students of Paris ? The Scholar answered , We transfretate the Sequan at the Dilucul and Crepuscul ; we deambulate by the Compites and Quadrives of the Vrb ; we despumate the Latial Verbocination ; and like verisimularie amorabons ; we captat the Benevolence of the Omnijugal , Omniform , and Omnigenal Foeminine Sex ; upon certain Diecules we invisat the Lupanares , and in a venerian extase inculcate our Veretres , into the penitissime Recesses of the Pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules : then do we cauponisate in the meritory Taberns of the Pineapple , the Castle , the Magdalene , and the Mule , goodly vervecine Spatules perforaminated with Petrocile : and if by fortune there be Rarity , or penury of Pecune in our Marsupies ; and that they be exhausted of ferruginean Metal for the shot , we dimit our Codices , and oppugnerat our Vestiments , whilst we prestolate the coming of the Tabellaries from the Penates , and patriotick Lares . To which Pantagruel answered , What devillish Language is this ? by the Lord , I think thou art some kind of Heretick . My Lord , No , said the Scholar ; for libentissimally assoon as it illucesceth any minutle slice of the Day ; I demigrate into one of these so well architected Minsters ; and there irrorating my self with fair lustral Water , I mumble off little parcels of some missick Precation of our Sacrificuls ; and submurmurating my horary Precules , I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal Inquinations . I revere the Olympicols : I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent : I dilige and redame my Proxims : I observe the decalogical Precepts ; and according to the facultatule of my Vires , I do not discede from them one late Vnguicule ; nevertheless it is veriform , that because Mammona doth not supergurgitate any thing in my Loculs , that I am somewhat rare and lent to supererrogate the Elemosynes to those Egents , that hostially queritate their stipe .

Prut , tut , ( said Pantagruel ) what doth this Fool mean to say ? I think he is upon the forging of some diabolical Tongue , and that Inchanter-like he would charm us . To whom one of his Men said , Without doubt ( Sir ) this Fellow would counterfeit the Language of the Parisians , but he doth only flay the Latin , imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in most eloquent Terms , and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great Orator in the French , because he disdaineth the common manner of speaking . To which Pantagruel said , Is it true ? The Scholar answered , My worshipful Lord , my Genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious Nebulon saith , to excoriate the Tuticle of our vernacular Gallick , but viceversally I gnave opere , and by vele and rames enite to locupletate it , with the Latinicome redundance . By G— ( said Pantagruel ) I will teach you to speak : But first come hither , and tell me whence thou art ? To this the Scholar answered : The primeval Origin of my Aves and Ataves , was indigenary of the Lemonick Regions , where requiesceth the Corpor of the Hagiotat St. Martial . I understand thee very well ( said Pantagruel ) when all comes to all , thou art a Limousin , and thou wilt here by thy affected Speech counterfeit the Parisians . Well now , come hither , I must shew thee a new Trick , and handsomly give thee the Combfeat . With this he took him by the Throat , saying to him , Thou flayest the Latin ; by St. Iohn I will make thee flay the Fox ; for I will now flay thee alive . Then began the poor Limousin to cry ; Haw , gwid Maaster , haw , Laord , my Halp , and St. Marshaw , haw , I 'm worried : haw , my Thropple , the Bean of me Cragg is bruck : haw , for Guaads seck , lawt me lean , Mawster ; waw , waw , waw . Now ( said Pantagruel ) thou speakest naturally , and so let him go ; for the poor Limousin had totally berayed , and throughly conshit his Breeches , which were not deep and large , but made à qu●üe de merlus . Then ( said Pantagruel ) St. Alipantiu , what civette ? Foh , foh , to the Devil with this Turnep-Eater . How he stinks ? and so let him go . But this Hug of Pantagruel's was such a Terror to him all the Days of his Life , and he had such a Thirst upon him , that he would often cry out , that Pantagruel held him by the Throat . And after some few Years he died of the Death Roland , a Work of Divine Vengeance , shewing us that which saith the Philosopher , and Aulus Gellius , that it becometh us to speak according to the common Language ; and that we should ( as said Octavian Augustus ) shun all strange Words , with as much Care , as Pilots of Ships avoid the Rocks in the Sea .

CHAP. VII . How Pantagruel came to Paris , and of the choice Books of the Library of St. Victor .

AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans , he resolved to see the great University of Paris ; but before his Departure , he was informed that there was a huge big Bell at St. Anian , in the said Town of Orleans , under the Ground , which had been there above two hundred and fourteen Years ; for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the Ground , although they used all the means that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura , Albertus de re aedificatoria , Euclid , Theon , Archimedes , and Hero de ingeniis : for all that was to no purpose . Wherefore condescending heartily to the humble Request of the Citizens and Inhabitants of the said Town , he determined to remove it to the Tower that was erected for it . With that he came to the Place where it was , and lifted it out of the Ground with his little Finger , as easily as you would have done a Hawk's Bell : But before he would carry it to the foresaid Tower , he would needs make some Musick with it about the Town , and ring it alongst all the Streets , as he carried it in his Hand ; wherewith all the People were very glad : but there happened one great Inconveniency ; for with carrying it so , and ringing it about the Streets , all the good Orleans Wine turned instantly , and was spoiled ; which no Body there did perceive till the Night following : for every Man found himself so a dry with drinking these flat Wines , that they did nothing but spit , and that as white as Maltha Cotton , saying , We have got the Pantagruel , and our very Throats are salted .

This done , he came to Paris with his Retinue , and at his entry every one came out to see him , ( as you know well enough , that the People of Paris are Sots by Nature , by B flat , and B sharp ) and beheld him with great Astonishment , mixed with no less Fear , that he would carry away the Palace into some other Country à remotis , as his Father formerly had done the great Bells at our Ladies Church , to tie about his Mare 's Neck . Now after he had stayed there a pretty space , and studied very well in all the seven Liberal Arts , he said it was a good Town to live in , but not to die there ; for that the Grave-digging Rogues of St. Innocent , used in frosty Nights to warm their Bums with dead Mens Bones . In his abode there , he found the Library of St. Victor , very magnificent , especially in some Books which were there , of which followeth the Catalogue : Et primò , The for Godsake of Salvation . The Cod-piece of the Law . The Slip-shoe of the Decretals . The Pomegranate of Vice . The Clew-bottom of Theology . The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers , Composed by Turlupin . The churning Ballock of the Valiant . The Henbane of the Bishops . Marmoretus de baboonis & apis , cum Commento Dorbellis . Decretum Vniversitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum . The Apparition of Sancte Geltrud , to a Nun of Poissie , being in travel , at the bringing forth of a Child . Ars honestè fartandi in societate , per Marcum Corvinum . The Mustard-pot of Penance . The Gamashes , aliàs the Boots of Patience . Formicarium Artium . De brodiorum usu , & honestate Chopinandi , per Sylvestrem prioratem Jacobinum . The Coosened , or Gulled in Court . The Frail of the Scriveners . The Marriage-packet . The Cruzie , or Crucible of Contemplation . The Flimflams of the Law . The Prickle of Wine . The Spurre of Cheese . Ruboffatorium scolarium . Tartaretus de modo cacandi . The Bravades of Rome . Bricot de differentiis souparum . The Tail-piece Cushion , or Close-Breech of Discipline . The cobbled Shoe of Humility . The Trevet of good Thoughts . The Kettle of Magnanimity ▪ The cavilling Intanglements of Confessors . The Knachfare of the Curates . Reverendi patris fratris Lubini provincialis Bavardia , de croquendis , lardonibus libri tres . Pasquilli doctoris marmorei de capreolis cum chardoneta comedendis tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto . The Invention of the Holy Cross , personated by six wilie Priests . The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome . Majoris de modo faciendi Puddinos . The Bag-pipe of the Prelates . Beda de optimitate triparum . The Complaint of the Barresters upon the Reformation of Confites . The furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys . Of Pease and Bacon cum Commento . The small Vales , or drinking Money of the Indulgences . Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre pilloti , &c. Raque denari de bobelinandis glassaccursianae Triflis repetitio enucidiluculissima . Stratagemata francharchaeri de Baniolet . Carlbumpkinus de re militari , cum figuris Tevoti . De usu & utilitate flayandi equos & equas , authore Magistro nostro de quebecu . The Sawciness of Country-Stuarts . M. N. Rostocostojan Bedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda , libri quatuor decim apostillati , per M. Vaurillonis . The Covillage or Ballock-Money of Promooters . Quaestio subtilissima , utrum Chimaera in vacuo bombistans posset comedere secundas intentiones , & fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi . The Bridle-champer of the Advocates . Smutchudlamenta Scoti . The Rasping and hard Scraping of the Cardinals . De calcaribus removendis Decades undecim , per M. Albericum de rosata . Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus , libri tres . The entrance of Antonie de leve into the Territories of Brasil . Marforii Bacalarii cubantis Roma , de peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis . The said Author's Apology against those who alledg that the Popes Mule doth eat but à ses Hours . Prognosticatio quae incipit Silvitrique-billobalata , per M. N. Longecrusion . Bondarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus Aeneades novem , cum privilegio Papali ad triennium & postea non . The Shitabranna of the Maids . The bald Arse of the Widows . The Cowle or Capouch of the Monks . The mumbling Brimborions of the Coelestine Friars . The Passage-toll of Beggarliness . The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of lubberly Lusks . The Paring-shovel of the Theologues . The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts. The Scullians of Oleam the uninitiated Clerk . Magistri N. Fripe saucetis de grabellationibus horarum canonicarum libri quadriginta . Culle butatorium confratriarum , incerto authore . The Rasher of Cormorants . The Rammishness of the Spaniards , supergivure-gondigaded by Friar Indigo . The Muttring of pitiful Wretches . Paltronismus rerum Italicarum , authore Magistro Burnegad . R. Lullius de batisfolagiis Principum . Calibistratorium caffardiae , authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometrâ . Codtickler de magistro nostrandorum magistro nostratorúmque beneventi librî octo galantissimi . The Crackarades of Bullists , Copists , Scriveners , Clerks , Abbreviators , Notaries and Reporters , lately compiled by Regis . A perpetual Almanack for those that have the Gout and the Pox. Manera sweepandi fornacellos , per Mag. Ecciam . The Shable or Cimeterre of Merchants . The Pleasures of the Monachal Life . The Hotch-pot of Hypocrites . The History of the Hobgoblins . The ragamuffianisme of the pensionary maimed Souldiers . The gulling Fibs of Commissaries . The Litter of Treasurers . The Iuglingatorium of Sophisters . Antipericata metanaparbeuged amphisistationes Merdicantium . The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers . The Push-forward of the Alchimists . The Niddy Noddy of the Sachel-loaded Seekers , by Friar Bindfastatis . The Shackles of Religion . The Racket of Swag-waggers . The Leaning-stock of old Age. The muzzle of Nobility . The Apes pater noster . The Crickets and Hawks-Bells of Devotion . The Pot of the Ember-weeks . The Mortar of the politick Life . The Flap of the Hermites . The Riding-hood of the Penitentiaries . The Trictrac of the knocking Friars . Blockheadodus de vita & honestate bragadochiorum . Lyrippii Sorbonici moralisationes , per M. Lupoldum . The Carrier-horse-Bells of Travellers . The Bibbings of the tipling Bishops . Terrabilitiones Doctorum Coloniensium ad versus Reuclin . The Cymbals of Ladies . The Dungers martingale . Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum , per fratrem Crackwoodloguetis . The clouted Patches of a stout Heart . The Mummery of the Robin-good-fellows . Gerson de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia . The Catalogue of the nominated and graduated Persons . Jo. Dyrebrodii de terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos . Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos & diabolas , per M. Guingolphum . The Gallimafree of the perpetually begging Friars . The Morris-dance of the Hereticks . The Whinings of Cajetan . Muddisnowt Doctoris cherubici de origine roughfootedarum & wryneckedorum ritibus , libri septem . Sixty nine fat Breviaries . The Night-Mare of the five Orders of Beggars . The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow Butt , incornifistibulated upon in the Summa Angelica . The Raver in Cases of Conscience . The fat Belly of the Presidents . The baffling Flowter of the Abbots . Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaver at eum fripponatorem , & quod fripponatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia . Cacatorium medicorum . The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology . Campi clysteriorum per paragraph . C. The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries . The Kiss-breech of Chirurgery . Justitianus de whiteleperotis tollendis . Antidotarium animae . Merlinus Coccaius de patria diabolorum .

Of which Library some Books are already printed , and the rest are now at the Press , in this noble City of Tubinge .

CHAP. VIII . How Pantagruel being at Paris , received Letters from his Father Gargantua , and the Copy of them .

PAntagruel studied very hard , as you may well conceive , and profited accordingly ; for he had an excellent Understanding and notable Wit , together with a Capacity in Memory , equal to the measure of twelve Oil-Budgets , or Buts of Olives . And as he was there abiding one Day , he received a Letter from his Father in manner as followeth .

Most dear Son ,

Amongst the Gifts , Graces and Prerogatives with which the Soveraign Plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned Human Nature at the beginning , that seems to me most singular and excellent , by which we may in a mortal Estate attain to a kind of Immortality , and in the Course of this transitory Life perpetuate our Name and Seed ; which is done by a Progeny issued from us in the lawful Bonds of Matrimony : whereby that , in some measure , is restored unto us , which was taken from us by the Sin of our first Parents ; to whom it was said , that because they had not obeyed the Commandment of God their Creator , they should die , and by Death should be brought to nought that so stately Frame and Plasmature , wherein the Man at first had been created .

But by this means of seminal Propagation , which continueth in the Children what was lost in the Parents , and in the Grand-children that which perished in their Fathers , and so successively until the Day of the last Judgment , when Iesus Christ shall have rendred up to God the Father his Kingdom in a peaceable Condition , out of all Danger and Contamination of Sin : for then shall cease all Generations and Corruptions , and the Elements leave off their continual Transmutations ; seeing the so much desired Peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed , and that all things shall be brought to their End and Period . And therefore not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver , for that he hath inabled me to see my bald old Age reflourish in thy Youth : for when at his good Pleasure , who rules and governs all things , my Soul shall leave this mortal Habitation ; I shall not account my self wholly to die , but to pass from one place unto another : Considering that in and by that , I continue in my visible Image living in the World , visiting and conversing with People of Honour , and other my good Friends , as I was wont to do . Which Conversation of mine , although it was not without Sin , ( because we are all of us Trespassers , and therefore ought continually to beseech his Divine Majesty , to blot our Transgressions out of his Memory ) yet was it by the Help and Grace of God , without all manner of reproach before Men.

Wherefore if those Qualities of the Mind but shine in thee , wherewith I am endowed , as in thee remaineth the perfect Image of my Body , thou wilt be esteemed by all Men to be the perfect Guardian and Treasure of the Immortality of our Name : but if otherwise , I shall truly take but small pleasure to see it , considering that the lesser part of me , which is the Body , would abide in thee : and the best , to wit , that which is the Soul , and by which our Name continues blessed amongst Men , would be degenerate and abastardized . This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy Vertue , which I have heretofore already tried , but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better . And that which I now write unto thee , is not so much that thou shouldest live in this vertuous Course , as that thou shouldest rejoice in so living and having lived , and cheer up thy self with the like Resolution in time to come . To the Prosecution and Accomplishment of which Enterprise and generous Undertaking , thou mayest easily remember how that I have spared nothing , but have so helped thee , as if I had had no other Treasure in this World , but to see thee once in my Life compleatly well bred and accomplished , as well in Vertue , Honesty and Valour , as in all liberal Knowledg and Civility : and so to leave thee after my Death , as a Mirror , representing the Person of me thy Father ; and if not so excellent , and such indeed as I do wish thee , yet such in Desire .

But although my deceased Father , of happy Memory , Grangousier , had bent his best Endeavours to make me profit in all Perfection and Political Knowledg , and that my Labour and Study was fully correspondent to , yea , went beyond his Desire ; nevertheless , as thou mayest well understand , the time then was not so proper and fit for Learning as it is at present , neither had I plenty of such good Masters as thou hast had : for that time was darksom , obscured with Clouds of Ignorance , and savouring a little of the Infelicity and Calamity of the Gothes , who had , where-ever they set footing , destroyed all good Literature , which in my Age hath by the Divine Goodness been restored unto its former Light and Dignity , and that with such Amendment and Increase of Knowledg , that now hardly should I be admitted unto the first Form of the little Grammar School-Boys : I say , I , who in my youthful days was ( and that justly ) reputed the most Learned of that Age. Which I do not speak in vain-boasting , although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee , by the Authority of Marcus Tullius , in his Book of Old Age , and the Sentence of Plutarch , in the Book , intituled , How a Man may praise himself without Envy : but to give thee an emulous Encouragement to strive yet further .

Now is it that the Minds of Men are qualified with all manner of Discipline , and the old Sciences revived , which for many Ages were extinct : Now it is that the learned Languages are to their pristine Purity restored ▪ viz. Greek , ( without which a Man may be ashamed to account himself a Scholar ) Hebrew , Arabick , Chaldaean and Latin . Pri●●ing likewise is now in use , so elegant , and so correct , that better cannot be imagined , although it was found out but in my time by Divine Inspiration ; as by a Diabolical Suggestion , on the other side , was the Invention of Ordnance . All the World is full of knowing Men , of most learned School-masters , and vast Libraries : and it appears to me as a Truth , that neither in Plato's time , nor Cicero's , nor Papinian's , there was ever such conveniency for Studying , as we see at this Day there is ▪ Nor must any adventure henceforward to come in publick , or represent himself in Company , that hath not been pretty well polished in the Shop of Minerva . I see Robbers , Hangmen , Free-booters , Tapsters , Ostlers , and such like , of the very Rubbish of the People , more learned now , than the Doctors and Preachers were in my time .

What shall I say ? The very Women and Children have aspired to this Praise and Celestial Manna of good Learning : Yet so it is , that in the Age I am now of , I have been constrained to learn the Greek Tongue , which I contemned not like Cato , but had not the Leasure in my younger Years to attend the Study of it . And I take much delight in the reading of Plutarch's Morals , the pleasant Dialogues of Plato , the Monuments of Pausanias , and the Antiquities of Athenaeus , whilst I wait the Hour wherein God my Creator shall call me , and command me to depart from this Earth and transitory Pilgrimage . Wherefore ( my Son ) I admonish thee , to imploy thy Youth to profit as well as thou canst , both in thy Studies and in Vertue . Thou art at Paris , where the laudable Examples of many brave Men may stir up thy Mind to gallant Actions ; and hast likewise for thy Tutor the Learned Epistemon , who by his lively and vocal Documents may instruct thee in the Arts and Sciences .

I intend , and will have it so , that thou learn the Languages perfectly . First of all , the Greek , as Quintilian will have it . Secondly , the Latin ; and then the Hebrew , for the Holy Scripture-sake . And then the Chaldee and Arabick likewise . And that thou frame thy stile in Greek in imitation of Plato ; and for the Latin , after Cicero . Let there be no History which thou shalt not have ready in thy Memory ; and to help thee therein , the Books of Cosmography will be very conducible . Of the liberal Arts of Geometry , Arithmetick and Musick , I gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little , and not above five or six Years old ; proceed further in them , and learn the Remainder if thou canst . As for Astronomy , study all the Rules thereof ; let pass nevertheless the divining and judicial Astrology , and the Art of Lullius , as being nothing else but plain Cheat and Vanities . As for the Civil Law , of that I would have thee to know the Texts by heart , and then to confer them with Philosphy .

Now in matter of the Knowledg of the Works of Nature , I would have thee to study that exactly ; and that so there be no Sea , River or Fountain , of which thou dost not know the Fishes ; all the Fowls of the Air , all the several kinds of Shrubs and Trees , whether in Forests or Orchards : All the Sorts of Herbs and Flowers that grow upon the Ground : all the various Metals that are hid within the bowels of the Earth : together with all the diversity of precious Stones , that are to be seen in the Orient and South-parts of the World ; let nothing of all these be hidden from thee . Then fail not most carefully to peruse the Books of the Greek , Arabian and Latin Physicians ; not despising the Talmudists and Cabalists ; and by frequent Anatomies get thee the perfect Knowledg of the Microcosm , which is Man . And at some Hours of the Day , apply thy Mind to the Study of the Holy Scriptures : first in Greek , the New-Testament with the Epistles of the Apostles ; and then the Old-Testament in Hebrew . In brief , Let me see thee an Abyss , and bottomless-Pit of Knowledg : for from henceforward , as thou growest great and becomest a Man , thou must part from this Tranquillity and Rest of Study : thou must learn Chivalry , Warfare , and the Exercises of the Field , the better thereby to defend my House and our Friends , and to succour and protect them at all their Needs against the Invasion and Assaults of Evil-doers .

Furthermore , I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited , which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publickly Theses and Conclusions in all Arts , against all Persons whatsoever , and by haunting the Company of learned Men , both at Paris and otherwhere . But because , as the wise Man Solomon saith , Wisdom entreth not into a malicious Mind ; and that Science without Conscience is but the Ruin of the Soul , it behoveth thee to serve , to love , to fear God , and on him to cast all thy Thoughts and all thy Hope , and by Faith formed in Charity , to cleave unto him , so that thou mayest never be separated from him by thy Sins . Suspect the Abuses of the World : set not thy Heart upon Vanity ; for this Life is transitory , but the Word of the Lord endureth for ever . Be serviceable to all thy Neighbours , and love them as thy self : reverence thy Praeceptors ; shun the Conversation of those whom thou desirest not to resemble , and receive not in vain the Graces which God hath bestowed upon thee . And when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the Knowledg that is to be acquired in that part , return unto me , that I may see thee , and give thee my Blessing before I die . My Son , the Peace and Grace of our Lord be with thee . Amen .

From Vtopia the 17 th Day of the Month of March . Thy Father Gargantua .

These Letters being received and read , Pantagruel pluck'd up his Heart , took a fresh Courage to him , and was inflamed with a Desire to profit in his Studies more than ever : so that if you had seen him , how he took Pains , and how he advanced in Learning , you would have said that the Vivacity of his Spirit amidst the Books , was like a great Fire amongst dry Wood ; so active it was , vigorous and indefatigable .

CHAP. IX . How Pantagruel found Panurge , whom he loved all his life-time .

ONe Day as Pantagruel was taking a Walk without the City , towards St. Anthony's Abby , discoursing and philosophating with his own Servants and some other Scholars , met with a young Man of a very comely Stature , and surpassing Handsom in all the Lineaments of his Body , but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded ; in such bad Equipage in matter of his Apparel , which was but Totters and Rags , and every way so far out of order , that he seemed to have been a fighting with Mastiff-dogs , from whose Fury he had made an Escape ; or to say better , he looked , in the Condition wherein he then was , like an Apple-gatherer of the Country of Perche .

As far off as Pantagruel saw him , he said to those that stood by , Do you see that Man there , who is a coming hither upon the Road from Charanton-Bridg ? by my Faith , he is only poor in Fortune ; for I may assure you , that by his Physiognomy it appeareth , that Nature hath extracted him from some rich and noble Race , and that too much Curiosity hath thrown him upon Adventures , which possibly have reduced him to this Indigence , Want and Penury . Now as he was just amongst them , Pantagruel said unto him , Let me intreat you ( Friend ) that you may be pleased to stop here a little , and answer me to that which I shall ask you , and I am confident you will not think your Time ill bestowed : for I have an extream Desire ( according to my Ability ) to give you some Supply in this Distress wherein I see you are ; because I do very much commiserate your case , which truly moves me to great pity : Therefore ( my Friend ) tell me , Who you are ? whence you come ? whither you go ? what you desire ? and what your Name is ? The Companion answered him in the Dutch Tongue , thus ;

Yunker gott geb euch gluck und heil ; ●urwa● liebor yunker , ich las euch wi●●en das dar mich wungraft , ist ein arm und erbamlich ding , und wer wol darvon Zusagen welches euch verdrusf●ich Zuceten , und mer zuerzelen wer , wiewol die Poeten und Oratores vortzeiten habengesag● in item sprichen : und sentenzen das die gedecktnus des ellendz und armut vortangs erlitten , ist ein grosser lust . My Friend ( said Pantagruel ) I have no skill in that Gibberish of yours ; therefore , if you would have us to understand you , speak to us in some other Language : then did the Drole answer him thus .

Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras ; nin porthzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben enfuim : kuthim alidum alkaim nimbroth deehoth porth min michais im endoch , pruch dal maisulum hol moth dansrihim lupaldas im voldemoch . Nim hur diavoth mnarbotim dal gousch palfrapin duch imscoth pruch galeth dal chinon min foulchrich al conin buthathen doth dal prim . Do you understand none of this , said Pantagruel to the Company ? I believe ( said Epistemon ) that this is the Language of the Antipodes , and such a hard one that the Devil himself knows not what to make of it . Then , said Pantagruel , Gossip , I know not if the Walls do comprehend the Meaning of your words , but none of us here doth so much as understand one Syllable of them : Then said my Blade again ,

Signor mio voi vedete per essempio che la cornemusa non suona mai , se non ha il ventre pieno : cosi io parimente non vi so contrare le mie fortune , se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la folita refectione : alquale è adviso che le mani e li denti abbi perso il loro ordine naturale , e del tutto annichilati . To which Epistemon answered as much of the one as of the other , and nothing of either . Then said Panurge ;

My Lord , if the Generosity of your Mind be sutable to your Body , you would naturally have pity of me . For Nature made us equal ▪ But Fortune has exalted some , and othersome has depressed . Nevertheless , though Vertue is despised , and worthy Men depressed ; yet till the end none can be pronounced happy . Yet less said Pantagruel : Then said my jolly Panurge ;

Iona andie gaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde vel sela ysser landa . Aubar es otoy yes nausu ey nessassu gourray propposiam ordine den . Non yssena bayte facheria egabe gen herassy badea sadassu noura assia : Aram hon davan gaulde cydassu nydassuna estou oussye ecvinausoury hin er darstura eguy harm : Genicoa plasan vadu . Are you there ( said Eudemon ) Genicoa ? To this ( said Carpalin ) , St. Trinian's Rammer unstitch your Bum , for I had almost understood it . Then answered Panurge ;

Prug frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi dthds pag breleland gravot chavygni pomardiere rusth pkalldracg devinier a pras . Nays ; beville balmuch monach drupp del meupplist rincque drind dodelp up drent loch mine stzincq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards . Do you speak Christian , ( said Epistemon ) or the Gypsey Language ? Nay it is all Banter , said another . Then said Panurge ;

Her re je sprexe andeers gheen taele dan kersten taele my dunc nocoans , al en seg je met een ubord , myven noot velaert glenouch bbat re beglere gheest my unyt bet mhet richeyt yet waer un je ghevoet mach zunch : To which answered Pantagruel , as much of that . Then said Panurge ;

Sennor de tanto hablar yo soy cansado , porque supplico av●estra excellencia que mire alos precettos Evangelicos , para que ellos muevan vuestra excellencia a lo que es de consciencia , ysiellos no bastaren paramo ver vuesa excellencia apiedad , supplico qué mire a la piedad natural , laqual yo creoque le mova , como es de razon , y concesso , no digo mas ? Truly ( my Friend ) I doubt not but you can speak divers Languages ; but tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some Tongue , which you conceive we may understand . Then said the Companion ;

Myn her , reendog ieg met ingen tunge talede ; lyge som boeen , oeg usk wlig creatuer : mine clee bon och my me legioms mager heb xv duyfer alliguck lalig hwad tyng mog meest behoff riteres somaer sandeligh mad och dryck : hwar for forbar me regom lyder offuer megoch besael argyffua meg nogeth off haylketieg kad styre myne groeendes mach lygeruss son mand Cerbero en Souppesor setihr : soa schal fue loeffue le●ge ockyk salitgth . I think really ( said Eusthenes ) that the Gothes spoke thus of old : and that , if it pleased God , we would all of us speak so with our Taile . Then again said Panurge ▪

Adon seolom lechai in ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeheroh thithé li kikar lehem : chauchar ublaah aldonaicho néral . To which answered Epistemon , At this time have I understood him very well ; for it is the Hebrew Tongue most Rhetorically pronounced . Then again said the Gallant ;

Eust● garnancei monon logusin hina pragmata ( hem peri emphibetumen ) me prophoros epiphe●●●e : What ? ( said Carpalim , Pantagruel's Foot-man ) it is Greek , I have understood him : and how ? hast thou dwelt any while in Greece ? Then said the Drole again ;

Agonou d●nt oussys vous desdaignez algaron : nou denfaron zamist vous mariston ulbron , fousquez voubrol tam bredaguez maupreton den goulhoust daguez daguez non croupys fost bardonnoffist nougrou : agou paston tol nalbrol prissys hourtou los echatonous , prou dehouguys brol pany gouden bascrou noudous caguon● goutfrengoul oustato●ppassou ? Methinks I understand him ( said Pantagruel ) ; for either it is the Language of my Country of Vtopia , or sounds very like it . And as he was about to have begun some Argument , the Companion said ;

Iam toties vos per saera , p●rque deos de asque omnes obtestat●● sum , ut si quae vos pietas permovet , egestatem meam sola●emini net hilu●● proficio clamant & 〈◊〉 : si nite , quaeso , s●ni●e , vi●i impii , qu● mo fa● a v●cant abite : nec ultrà vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis , memores veteris illius adagii , quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur . Well , my Friend , ( said Pantagruel ) but cannot you speak French ? That I can do ( Sir ) very well , ( said the Companion ) God be thanked : it is my Natural Language and Mother-Tongue , for I was born and bred in my younger Years in the Garden of France , to wit , Touraine . Then ( said Pantagruel ) tell us what is your Name , and from whence you are come ; for by my Faith , I have already stamped in my Mind such a deep Impression of Love towards you , that if you will condescend unto my Will , you shall not depart out of my Company , and you and I shall make up another Couple of Friends , such as Aeneas and Achates were . Sir , ( said the Companion ) my true and proper Christian Name is Panurge ; and now I come out of Turky , to which Country I was carried away Prisoner at that time , when they went to Metelin with a Mischief : And w● llingly would I relate unto you my Fortunes , which are more wonderful than those of Vlysses were ; but seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me with you , I most heartily accept of the Offer , protesting never to leave you , should you go to all the Devils in Hell . We shall have therefore more Leisure at another time , and a fitter Opportunity wherein to report them ; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed , my Teeth are sharp , my Belly empty , my Throat dry , and my Stomach fierce and burning ; all is ready , if you will but set me to work : It will be as good as a Balsamum for sore Eyes , to see me gulch and raven it ; for God's sake give order for it . Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home , and provide him good store of Victuals ; which being done , he ate very well that Evening , and ( Capon-like ) went early to Bed , then slept until Dinner-time the next Day ; so that he made but three Steps and one Leap from the Bed to the Board .

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel decided a Cause which was wonderfully intricate and obscure : whereby he was reputed to have a most admirable Iudgment .

PAntagruel very well remembring his Father's Letter and Admonitions , would one Day make trial of his Knowledg . Thereupon , in all the Carresours , Streets and Corners of the City , he set up Conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and four , in all manner of Learning , touching in them the hardest Doubts that are in any Science . And first of all , in the Fodder-street he held dispute against all the Regents , Artists and Orators , and did so gallantly , that he overthrew them , and set them all upon their Tails . He went afterwards to the Sorbon , where he maintained Argument against all the Theologians , for the space of six Weeks , from four a Clock in the Morning until six in the Evening , except an Interval of two Hours to refresh themselves , and take their Repast . And at this were present the greatest part of the Lords of the Court , the Masters of Requests , Presidents , Counsellors , those of the Accompts , Secretaries , Advocates and others : As also the Sheriffs of the said Town , with the Physicians and Professors of the Canon-Law . Amongst which , it is to be remarked , that the greatest part were resty and head-strong , and in their Opinions obstinate ; but he took such course with them , that for all their Ergoes and Fallacies , he put their Backs to the Wall , gravelled them in the deepest Questions , and made it visibly appear to the World , that compared to him , they were but Monkies , and a Knot of muffled Calves . Whereupon every Body began to keep a bustling Noise , and talk of his so marvellous Knowledg , through all degrees of Persons in both Sexes , even to the very Laundresses , Brokers , Rostmeat-sellers , Penknife-makers and others ; who , when he past along in the Street , would say , This is he ; in which he took delight , as Demosthenes , the Prince of Greek Orators did , when a mumping old Hag , pointing at him with her Fingers , said , This is the Man .

Now at this same very time there was a Suit in Law , depending in Court between two great Lords , of which one was called my Lord Kissebreech , Plaintiff , of one side ; and the other my Lord Suckfist , Defendant , of the other ; whose Controversy was so high and difficult in Law , that the Court of Parliament could make nothing of it . And therefore by the Commandment of the King , there were assembled four of the greatest , and most learned of all the Parliaments of France , together with the great Councel , and all the principal Regents of the Universities , not only of France , but of England also and Italy , such as Iason , Philippus-Decius , Petrus de Petronibus , and a Rabble of other old Rabanists . Who being thus met together , after they had thereupon consulted for the space of six and forty Weeks , finding that they could not fasten their Teeth in it , nor with such clearness understand the Case , as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it , or take up the Difference betwixt the two aforesaid Parties , it did so grievously vex them , that they most villanously conshit themselves for shame . In this great Extremity , one amongst them named Du Douhait , the learnedst of all , and more expert and prudent than any of the rest , whilst one Day they were thus at their Wits end , all-to-be-dunced and philogrobolized in their Brains , said unto them ; We have been here ( my Masters ) good long space without doing any thing else , than trifle away both Time and Money , and can nevertheless find neither Brim nor Bottom in this Matter : for the more we study about it , the less we understand therein , which is a great Shame and Disgrace to us , and a heavy Burthern to our Consciences ; yea such , that in my Opinion we shall not rid our selves of it without Dishonour , unless we take some other course ; for we do nothing but dote in our Consultations .

See therefore what I have thought upon : You have heard much talking of that worthy Personage named Master Pantagruel , who hath been found to be learned above the Capacity of this present Age , by the Proofs he gave in those great Disputations , which he held publickly against all Men. My Opinion is , that we send for him , to confer with him about this Business ; for never any Man will encompass the bringing of it to an end , if he do it not .

Hereunto all the Counsellors and Doctors willingly agreed , and according to that their Result , having instantly sent for him , they intreated him to be pleased to canvass the Process , and sift it throughly ; that after a deep Search and narrow Examination of all the Points thereof , he might forthwith make the Report unto them , such as he shall think good in true and legal Knowledg . To this effect they delivered into his Hands the Bags wherein were the Writs and Pancarts concerning that Suit , which for Bulk and Weight were almost enough to lade four great stoned Asses . But Pantagruel said unto them , Are the two Lords , between whom this Debate and Process is , yet living ? it was answered him , Yes : To what a Devil then ( said he ) serve so many paultry Heaps , and Bundles of Papers and Copies which you give me ? Is it not better to hear their Controversy from their own Mouths , whilst they are Face to Face before us , than to read these vile Fopperies , which are nothing but Chicaneries , Deceits , diabolical Cozenages of Cepola , pernicious Slights , and Subversions of Equity ? For I am sure , that you , and all those through whose Hands this Process hath past , have by your Devices added what you could to it pro & contra ; in such sort , that although their Difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at first , you have perplexed and puzzl'd the Cause , by the frivolous , sottish , unreasonable , and foolish Reasons and Opinions of Accursius , Baldus , Bartolus , de Castro , de Imola , Hippolytus , Panormo , Bertachin , Alexander , Curtius , and those other old Mastiffs , who never understood the least Law of the Pandects , they being but meer Blockheads and great Tithe-calves , ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the Laws . For ( as it is most certain ) they had not the Knowledg either of the Greek or Latin Tongue , but only of the Gothick and Barbarian . The Laws nevertheless were first taken from the Greeks , according to the Testimony of Vlpian . l. poster . de origine juris , which we likewise may perceive by that all the Laws are full of Greek Words and Sentences . And then we find that they are reduced into a Latin Stile , the most elegant and ornate , that whole Language is able to afford , without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein ; nay , not of Salust , Varro , Cicero , Seneca , Titus Livius , nor Quintilian . How then could these old Dotards be able to understand aright the Text of the Laws , who never in their time had looked upon a good Latin Book , as doth evidently enough appear by the Rudeness of their Stile ; which is fitter for a Chimney-sweeper , a Cook or a Scullion , than for a Iurisconsult and Doctor in the Laws ?

Furthermore ; Seeing the Laws are excerpted out of the middle of Moral and Natural Philosophy , how should these Fools have understood it , that have by G— studied less in Philosophy than my Mule ? in respect of Humane Learning , and the Knowledg of Antiquities and Histories , they were truly laden with those Faculties as a Toad is with Feathers : and yet of all this the Laws are so full , that without it they cannot be understood ; as I intend more fully to shew unto you in a peculiar Treatise , which on that purpose I am about to publish . Therefore if you will that I meddle in this Process ; First , cause all these Papers to be burnt : Secondly , Make the two Gentlemen come personally before me ; and afterwards , when I shall have heard them , I will tell you my Opinion freely without any Fiction or Dissimulation whatsoever .

Some amongst them did contradict this Motion , as you know that in all Companies there are more Fools than wise Men , and that the greater part always surmounts the better ; as saith Titus Livius , in speaking of the Carthaginians . But the foresaid Du Douhait held the contrary Opinion , maintaining that Pantagruel had said well , and what was right , in affirming that these Records , Bills of Inquest , Replies , Rejoinders , Exceptions , Depositions , and other such Diableries of Truth-intangling Writs , were but Engines wherewith to overthrow Justice , and unnecessarily to prolong such Suits as did depend before them ; and that therefore the Devil would carry them all away to Hell , if they did not take another Course , and proceeded not in times coming according to the Prescripts of Evangelical and Philosophical Equity . In fine , all the Papers were burnt , and the two Gentlemen summoned and personally convented . At whose Appearance before the Court , Pantagruel said unto them , Are you they that have this great Difference betwixt you ? Yes , ( my Lord ) said they . Which of you ( said Pantagruel ) is the Plaintiff ? It is I , said my Lord Kissebreech . Go too then , my Friend , ( said he ) and relate your Matter unto me from Point to Point , according to the real Truth , or else ( by Cocks Body ) if I find you to lie so much as in one word , I will make you shorter by the Head , and take it from off your Shoulders , to shew others by your Example , that in Justice and Judgment Men ought to speak nothing but the Truth ; therefore take heed you do not add nor impair any thing in the Narration of your Case . Begin .

CHAP. XI . How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist , did plead before Pantagruel without Advocates .

THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth : My Lord , it is true , that a good Woman of my House carried Eggs to the Market to sell. Be covered Kissebreech , said Pantagruel . Thanks to you , my Lord , said the Lord Kissebreech : But to the purpose , There passed betwixt the two Tropicks , the Sum of three Pence towards the Zenith , and a half-penny ; forasmuch as the Riph●an Mountains had been that Year opprest with a great Sterility of counterfeit Gudgions , and shews without Substance , by means of the babling Tattle , and fond Fibs , seditiously raised between the Gibblegablers , and Accursian Gibberish-mongers , for the Rebellion of the Swissers , who had assembled themselves to the full number of the Bum-bees , and Myrmidons , to go a handsel-getting on the first Day of the new Year , at that very time when they give Brewis to the Oxen , and deliver the Key of the Coals to the Country-girls , for serving in of the Oats to the Dogs . All the Night long they did nothing else ( keeping their Hands still upon the Pot ) but dispatch Bulls a-foot , and Bulls a-horseback , to stop the Boats : for the Tailors and Sales-men would have made of the stollen Shreds a goodly Sagbut to cover the face of the Ocean , which then was great with Child of a Potful of Cabbidge , according to the Opinion of the Hay-bundle-makers : but the Physicians said , that by the Urine they could discern no manifest Sign of the Bustard's Pace , nor how to eat double-tongued Mattocks with Mustard , unless the Lords and Gentlemen of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol express command to the Pox , not to run about any longer , in gleaning up of Copper-smiths and Tinkers ; for the Jobernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their Dance of the British Gig , called the Estrindore , to a perfect Diapason , with one Foot in the Fire , and their Head in the middle , as good Man Ragot was wont to say .

Ha , ( my Masters ) God moderates all things , and disposeth of them at his Pleasure ; so that against unlucky Fortune a Carter broke his frisking Whip , which was all the Wind-Instrument he had : this was done at his return from the little paultry Town , even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated , and had past his Degrees in all Dullery and Blockishness , according to this Sentence of the Canonists , Beati Dunces , quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt . But that which makes Lent to be so high , by St. Fiacre of Bry , is for nothing else , but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost : yet on afore there , hoe : a little Rain stills a great Wind ; and we must think so , seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the Matter so far above my reach , that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the Benefit thereof lick their Fingers feathered with Gaunders , so orbicularly , as they were wont in other things to do . And we do manifestly see , that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the Error , wherewith another hath been charged , reserving only those Cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular Inspection in a prospective Glass of these things , towards the place in the Chimney , where hangeth the Sign of the Wine of forty Girths , which have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty Panels and Pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five Years respit : howsoever , at least he that would not let fly the Fowl before the Cheese-cakes , ought in Law to have discovered his Reason why not ; for the Memory is often lost with a wayward Shooing . Well , God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger . Then said Pantagruel , Hold there : Ho , my Friend , soft and fair , speak at leisure , and soberly , without putting your self in choler : I understand the Case , go on . Now then , ( my Lord ) said Kissebreech , the foresaid good Woman , saying her gaudez and audinos , could not cover her self with a treacherous Back-blow , ascending by the Wounds and Passions of the Privileges of the University ; unless by the Virtue of a Warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her Body , in covering them with a Hedg of Garden-Beds : then giving in a swift unavoidable Thrust very near to the place where they sell the old Rags , whereof the Painters of Flanders make great use , when they are about neatly to clap on Shoes on Grashoppers , Locusts , Cigals , and such like Fly-fowls ; so strange to us , that I am wonderfully astonished why the World doth not lay , seeing it is so good to hatch .

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat ; whereupon Pantagruel said unto him , St , by St. Anthony's Belly , doth it become thee to speak without Command ? I sweat here , and crack my Brain to understand the Proceeding of your mutual Difference , and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me . Peace , in the Devil's Name , Peace ; thou shalt be permitted to speak thy Belly-full when this Man hath done , and no sooner . Go on , ( said he to Kissebreech ) speak calmly , and do not over-heat your self with too much haste .

I perceiving then ( said Kissebreech ) that the pragmatical Sanction did make no mention of it , and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease , if that the Blankets had no Streaks , wherein the Liars were to be crossed with a Ruffian-like Crew : and the Rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth Larks , gave his full consent that the good Woman should tread down the Heel of the Hipgut-pangs , by virtue of a solemn Protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted Fishes ; which to tell the truth , were at that time very necessary for understanding the Syntax and Construction of old Boots . Therefore Iohn Calfe , her Cousin-gervais once removed , with a Log from the Woodstack , very seriously advised her not to put her self into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee , to be scoured with a buck of Linen Clothes , till first she had kindled the Paper : this Counsel she laid hold on , because he desired her to take nothing , and throw out , for Non de ponte vadit , qui cum sapientia cadit . Matters thus standing , seeing the Members of that Committee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almany Whistles , whereof were framed those Spectacles for Princes , which have been lately printed at Antwerp . I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ , and that the adverse Party is not to be believed , in sacer verbo dotis . For that having a great Desire to obey the Pleasure of the King , I armed my self from Toe to Top with Belly-furniture , of the Soles of good Venison-pasties , to go see how my Grape-gatherers and Vintagers had pinked and cut full of small Holes their high Coped-caps , to lecher it the better , and play at in and in . And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Fair , in so far that many trained Bow-men were cast at the Muster , and quite rejected , although the Chimney-tops were high enough , according to the proportion of the Windgalls , and the Malaunders Lamibaudichon . And by this means there was that Year great abundance throughout all the Country of Artois , of tawny buzzing Beetles , to the no small profit of the Gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers , when they did eat without disdaining the Cocklicranes , till their Belly was like to crack with it again . As for my part , such is my Christian Charity towards my Neighbours , that I could wish from my Heart every one had as good a Voice , it would make us play the better at the Tennis and the Baloon . And truly ( my Lord ) to express the real Truth without Dissimulation , I cannot but say , that those petty subtile Devices , which are found out in the etymologizing of Patins , would descend more easily into the River of Seine , to serve for ever at the Millers-Bridg , as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians , which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks Office of this House .

And therefore ( my Lord ) I do most humbly require , that by your Lordship there may be said and declared upon the Case what is reasonable , with Costs , Damages and Interest . Then said Pantagruel , My Friend , is this all you have to say ? Kissebreech answered , Yes , ( my Lord ) ; for I have told all the tuautem , and have not varied at all upon mine Honour in so much as one single word . You then ( said Pantagruel ) my Lord of Suckfist , say what you will , and be brief , without omitting nevertheless any thing that may serve to the purpose .

CHAP. XII . How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel .

THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth : My Lord , and you my Masters , if the Iniquity of Men were as easily seen in categorical Judgment , as we can discern Flies in a Milk-pot , the World 's four Oxen had not been so eaten up with Rats , nor had so many Ears upon the Earth been nibbled away so scurvily . For although all that my Adversary hath spoken be of Down , in so much as concerns the Letter and History of the Factum ; yet nevertheless , the Subtilties , the Fineness , the little sly Intanglements are hid under the Rose-pot .

Should I endure , that , when I am eating my Pottage , equal with the best , and that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill , they rudely come to vex , trouble , and perplex my Brains , ringing in my Ears that old Jingle , He that will in his Pottage drink , When he is dead , shall not see one Wink . And , good Lady ! how many great Captains have we seen in the Day of Battel , when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in Lunchions of the sanctified Bread of the Confraternity , the more honestly to nod their Heads , play on the Lute , crack with their Tails , and make pretty little platform Leaps ? But now the World is unshackled from the Corners of the Packs of Leicester , one flies out lewdly and becomes debauch'd ; another likewise five , four and two , and that at such random , that if the Court take not some course therein , it will make as bad a Season in matter of Gleaning this Year , as ever it made , or it will make Goblets . If any poor Creature go to the Stoves to illuminate his Muzzle with a Cow-shard , or to buy Winter-boots , and that the Serjeants passing by , or those of the Watch happen to receive the Decoction of a Clyster , or the fecal Matter of a Close-stool , upon their Rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping Masterships , should any because of that make bold to clip the Shillings and Testers , and fry the wooden Dishes ? Sometimes when we think one thing , God does another ; and when the Sun is set , all Beasts are in the Shade . Let me never be believed again , if I do not gallantly prove it by several People that have seen the Light of the Day .

In the Year thirty and six , buying a Dutch Curtail , which was a middle siz'd Horse , both high and short , of a Wool good enough , and died in Grain , as the Gold-smiths assured me , although the Notary put an &c. in it : I told really , that I was not a Clerk of so much Learning as to snatch at the Moon with my Teeth ; but as for the Butter-firkin , where Vulcanian's Deeds and Evidences were sealed , the Rumour was , and the Report thereof went currant , that Salt-Beef will make one find the way to the Wine without a Candle , though it were hid in the bottom of a Collier's Sack , and that with his Drawers on he were mounted on a barbed Horse furnished with a Fronstal , and such Arms , Thighs and Leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of a swaggering Sawciness . Here is a Sheep's Head , and it is well they make a Proverb of this , that it is good to see black Cows in burnt Wood , when one attains to the Enjoyment of his Love . I had a Consultation upon this Point with my Masters the Clerks , who for Resolution concluded in frisesomorum , that there is nothing like to mowing in the Summer , and sweeping clean away in Water , well garnished with Paper , Ink , Pens and Pen-knives of Lions upon the River of Rosne ; dolopym dolop of , tarabin tarabas , tut prut pish : for incontinently after that Armour begins to smell of Garlick , the Rust will go near to eat the Liver , not of him that wears it ; and then do they nothing else but withstand others Courses , and wry-neckedly set up their Bristles against one another , in lightly passing over their Afternoon's Sleep : and this is that which maketh Salt so dear . My Lords , believe not , when the said good Woman had with Birdlime , caught the shovelar Fowl , the better before a Serjeant's Witness , to deliver the younger Son's Portion to him , that the Sheep's Pluck , or Hog's Haslet , did dodg and shrink back in the Usurers Purses , or that there could be any thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals , than to take a Rope of Onions , knit with three hundred Turneps , and a little of a Calf's Chaldern of the best Allay that the Alchymists have : and that they lute and calcine these Pantoffles , muf in muf out . Mouflin mouflard , with the fine Sauce of the Juice of the Rabble-rout , whilst they hide themselves in some petty Moldwarp-hole , saving always the Bacon . Now if the Dice will not favour you with any other Throw but Ambesace , and the Chance of three at the great end , mark well the Ace ; then take me your Dame , settle her in a Corner of the Bed , and whisk me her up drille trille , there , there ; then a hearty Draught of the best , despicando grenovillibus , in despight of the Frogs ; whose fair course bebuskined Stockins shall be set apart for the little mued Goslings , which fatned in a Coop , take delight to sport themselves at the wagtail Game , waiting for the beating of the Metal , and heating of the Wax by the slavering Drivellers of Consolation .

Very true it is , that the four Oxen which are in debate , and whereof mention was made , were somewhat short in memory : nevertheless , to understand the gamme aright , they feared neither the Cormorant nor Mallard of Savoy , which put the good People of my Country in great hope , that their Children sometime should become very skilful in Algorism ; therefore is it , that by a Law Rubrick and special Sentence thereof , that we cannot fail to take the Wolf , if we make our Hedges higher than the Wind-mill , whereof somewhat was spoken by the Plaintiff . But the great Devil did envy it , and put the High-Dutch far behind , who played the Devils in swilling down and tipling at the good Liquor , trink meen heer , trink , trink , by two of my Table-men in the Corner-point I have gained the lurch ; for it is not probable , nor is there any appearance of Truth in this Saying , That at Paris upon a little Bridg the Hen is proportionable : and were they as copped and high-crested as marish Whoops , if veritably they did not sacrifice the Printers Pumpet-balls at Moreb , with a new Edg set upon them by Text Letters , or those of a swift-writing Hand , it is all one to me , so that the Head-band of the Book breed not Moths or Worms in it . And put the case , that at the coupling together of the Buck-hounds , the little Puppies should have waxed proud before the Notary could have given an account of the Serving of his Writ by the Cabalistick Art , it will necessarily follow ( under Correction of the better Judgment of the Court ) that six Acres of Medow-ground of the greatest breadth , will make three Butts of fine Ink , without paying ready Money . Considering that at the Funeral of King Charles , we might have had the fathom in open market for Deuce-ace : this I may affirm with a safe Conscience upon my Oath of Wool .

And I see ordinarily in all good Bag-pipes , that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small Birds , by swinging a Broom three times about a Chimney , and putting his Name upon Record , they do nothing but bend a Cross-bow backward , and wind a Horn , if perhaps it be too hot , and that by making it fast to a Rope he was to draw , immediately after the sight of the Letters , the Cows were restored to him . Such another Sentence after the homeliest Manner was pronounced in the seventeenth Year , because of the bad Government of Louzefougarouse ; whereunto it may please the Court to have regard . I desire to be rightly understood ; for truly I say not , but that in all Equity , and with an upright Conscience , those may very well be dispossest , who drink holy Water , as one would do a Weaver's Shuttle , whereof Suppositories are made to those that will not resign , but on the terms of ell and tell , and giving of one thing for another . Tunc ( my Lords ) quid juris pro minoribus ? for the common Custom of the Salick Law is such , that the first Incendiary or Fire-brand of Sedition , that flays the Cow , and wipes his Nose in a full Consort of Musick , without blowing in the Cobler's Stitches , should in the time of the Night-mare sublimate the Penury of his Member by Moss gathered when People are like to founder themselves at the Mass at Mid-night , to give the Estrapade to these White-wines of Anjou , that do Gambetta , Neck to Neck , after the Fashion of Britany . Concluding as before with Costs , Damages and Interests .

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended , Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech , My Friend , have you a mind to make any Reply to what is said ? No , ( my Lord ) answered Kissebreech ; for I have spoke all I intended , and nothing but the Truth , therefore put an end for God's sake to our Difference , for we are here at great Charge .

CHAP. XIII . How Pantagruel gave Iudgment upon the Difference of the two Lords .

THen Pantagruel rising up , assembled all the Presidents , Counsellors and Doctors that were there , and said unto them ; Come now , ( my Masters ) you have heard ( vivae vocis oraculo ) the Controversy that is in question , what do you think of it ? They answered him , We have indeed heard it , but have not understood the Devil so much as one Circumstance of the Case ; and therefore we beseech you unâ voce , and in courtesy request you , that you would give Sentence as you think good ; and ex nunc prout ex tunc , we are satisfied with it , and do ratify it with our full Consents . Well , my Masters ( said Pantagruel ) seeing you are so pleased , I will do it : but I do not truly find the Case so difficult as you make it : Your Paragraph Caton , the Law Frater , the Law Gallus , the Law Quinque pedum , the Law Vinum , the Law Si Dominus , the Law Mater , the Law Mulier bona , the Law Si quis , the Law Pomponius , the Law Fundi , the Law Emptor , the Law Praetor , the Law Venditor , and a great many others are far more intricate in my Opinion . After he had spoke this , he walked a turn or two about the Hall , plodding very profoundly as one may think ; for he did groan like an Ass , whilst they girth him too hard , with the very Intensiveness of considering how he was bound in Conscience to do right to both Parties , without varying or accepting of Persons . Then he returned , sate down , and began to pronounce Sentence as followeth :

Having seen , heard , calculated and well considered of the Difference between the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist ; the Court saith unto them , that in regard of the sudden Shivering of the Flickermouse , bravely declining from the estival Solstice , to attempt by private means the surprizal of toyish Trifles in those , who are a little unwel for having taken a Draught too much , through the lewd Demeanour and Vexation of the Beetles , that inhabit the Diarodal Climate of an hypocritical Ape on Horseback , bending a Cross-bow backwards . The Plaintiff truly had just cause to calfet , and stop the Chinks of the Gallion , which the good Woman blew up with Wind , having one Foot shod and the other bare , re-imbursing and restoring to him low and stiff in his Conscience , as many Bladder-nuts and wild Pistaches as there is of Hair in eighteen Cows , with as much for the Embroiderer , and so much for that . He is likewise declared innocent of the Case privileged from the Knapdardies , into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred ; because he could not jocundly and with fulness of Freedom untruss and dung , by the decision of a pair of Gloves perfumed with the Scent of Bum-gunshot , at the Walnut-tree Taper , as is usual in his Country of Mirobalois . Slacking therefore the Top-sail , and letting go the Boulin with the Brazen-bullets , wherewith the Mariners did by way of Protestation bake in Paste-meat great store of Pulse , interquilted with the Dormouse , whose Hawks Bells were made with a puntinaria , after the manner of Hungary or Flanders Lace , and which his Brother-in-Law carried in a Panier , lying near to three Chevrons or bordered Gueules , whilst he was clean out of heart , drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting , canvassing , and curious examining of the Matter , in the angulary Dog-hole of nasty Scoundrels , from whence we shoot at the vermiformal Popingay , with the Flap made of a Fox-tail .

But in that he chargeth the Defendant , that he was a Botcher , Cheese-eater , and Trimmer of Man's Flesh imbalmed ; which in the arsiversy swagfal tumble was not found true , as by the Defendant was very well discussed .

The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three Poringers of Curds , well cemented and closed together , shining like Pearls , and cod-pieced after the Fashion of the Country , to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May : but on the other part , the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with Hay and Stubble , for stopping the Caltrops of his Throat , troubled and impulregafized , with Gabardines garbeled shufflingly , and Friends as before , without Costs and for cause .

Which Sentence being pronounced , the two Parties departed both contented with the Decree ; which was a thing almost incredible : for it never came to pass since the great Rain ; nor shall the like occur in thirteen Jubilees hereafter , that two Parties contradictorily contending in Judgment , be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive Sentence . As for the Counsellors , and other Doctors in the Law that were there present , they were all so ravivished with Admiration at the more than Humane Wisdom of Pantagruel , which they did most clearly perceive to be in him , by his so accurate Decision of this so difficult and thorny Cause , that their Spirits , with the Extremity of the Rapture , being elevated above the pitch of actuating the Organs of the Body , they fell into a Trance and sudden Extasy , wherein they stayed for the space of three long Hours ; and had been so as yet in that Condition , had not some good People fetched store of Vineger and Rose-water to bring them again unto their former Sense and Understanding . For the which God be praised every where ; And so be it .

CHAP. XIV . How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the Hands of the Turks .

THe great Wit and Judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the World , by setting forth his Praises in Print , and putting upon Record this late wonderful Proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown , and Registers of the Palace , in such sort , that every Body began to say , that Solomon , who by a probable Guess only , without any further certainty , caused the Child to be delivered to its own Mother , shewed never in his time such a Master-piece of Wisdom , as the good Pantagruel had done : happy are we therefore that have him in our Country . And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests , and President in the Court : but he refused all , very graciously thanking them for their Offer ; for ( said he ) there is too much Slavery in these Offices , and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them , considering the great Corruption that is amongst Men. Which makes me believe , if the empty Seats of Angels be not fill'd with other kind of People than those , we shall not have the final Judgment these seven thousand sixty and seven Jubilees yet to come ; and so Cusanus will be deceived in his Conjecture . Remember that I have told you of it , and given you fair Advertisement in time and place convenient .

But if you have any Hogsheads of good Wine , I willingly will accept of a Present of that ; which they very heartily did do , in sending him of the best that was in the City , and he drank reasonably well . But poor Panurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villainously ; for he was as dry as a Red herring , as lean as a Rake , and like a poor , lank , slender Cat , walked gingerly as if he had trod upon Eggs : so that by some one being admonished , in the midst of his Draught of a large deep Bowl , full of excellent Claret , with these words , Fair and softly Gossip , you suck up as if you were mad : I give thee to the Devil , ( said he ) thou hast not found here thy little tipling Sippers of Paris , that drink no more than the Chaffinch , and never take in their Beak full of Liquor , till they be bobbed on the Tails after the manner of the Sparrows . O Companion , if I could mount up as well as I can get down , I had been long e're this above the Sphere of the Moon with Empedocles . But I cannot tell what a Devil this means . This Wine is so good and delicious , that the more I drink thereof , the more I am a-thirst . I believe that the Shadow of my Master Pantagruel maketh Men a-thirsty , as the Moon doth the Catarrs and Defluxions . At which word the Company began to laugh . Which Pantagruel perceiving , said , Panurge , what is that which moves you to laugh so ? Sir , said he , I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very unhappy , in that they never drink one drop of Wine ; and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran , yet for this one base Point of Abstinence from Wine , which therein is commanded , I would not submit my self unto their Law . But now tell me ( said Pantagruel ) how you escaped out of their Hands . By G— , Sir , ( said Panurge ) I will not lie to you in one word .

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a Spit all larded like a Rabbet , ( for I was so dry and meagre , that otherwise of my Flesh they would have made but very bad Meat ) and in this manner began to rost me alive . As they were thus roasting me , I recommended my self unto the Divine Grace , having in my Mind the good St. Lawrence , and always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this Torment , which came to pass , and that very strangely : for as I did commit my self with all my Heart unto God , crying , Lord God help me , Lord God save me , Lord God take me out of this Pain and hellish Torture , wherein these traiterous Dogs detain me for my Sincerity in the Maintenance of thy Law ; the Turn-spit fell asleep by the Divine Will , or else by the Virtue of some good Mercury , who cunningly brought Argus into a Sleep for all his hundred Eyes . When I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting , I looked upon him , and perceived that he was fast asleep , then took I up in my Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burnt , and cast it into the Lap of my Roaster ; and another did I throw as well as I could under a Field-bed , that was placed near to the Chimney , wherein was the Straw-bed of my Master Turn-spit ; presently the Fire took hold in the Straw , and from the Straw to the Bed , and from the Bed to the Loft , which was planked and cieled with Firr , after the fashion of the foot of a Lamp . But the best was , that the Fire which I had cast into the Lap of my paultry Roaster , burnt all his Groin , and was beginning to cease upon his Cullions , when he became sensible of the danger ; for his Smelling was not so bad , but that he felt it sooner than he could have seen Day-light . Then suddenly getting up , and in a great Amazement running to the Window , he cried out to the Streets as high as he could , Dalbaroth , Dalbaroth , Dalbaroth ; which is as much to say , Fire , Fire , Fire : incontinently turning about , he came streight towards me , to throw me quite into the Fire ; and to that effect , had already cut the Ropes , wherewith my Hands were tied , and was undoing the Cords from off my Feet ; when the Master of the House hearing him cry , Fire , and smelling the Smoke from the very Street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustaphaes , ran with all the speed he had to save what he could , and to carry away his Jewels . Yet such was his Rage , ( before he could well resolve how to go about it ) that he caught the Broach whereon I was spitted , and therewith killed my Roaster stark dead , of which Wound he died there for want of Government or otherwise ; for he ran him in with the Spit a little above the Navel , towards the right Flank , till he pierced the third Lappet of his Liver , and the Blow flanting upwards from the Diaphragme , through which it had made Penetration ; the Spit past athwart the Pericardium , and came out above at his Shoulders , betwixt the Spondyls and the left Homoplat .

True it is , ( for I will not lie ) that in drawing the Spit out of my Body , I fell to the Ground near unto the Andirons , and so by the Fall took some hurt ; which indeed had been greater , but that the Lardons , or little Slices of Bacon , wherewith I was stuck , kept off the Blow . My Baashaw then seeing the Case to be desperate , his House burnt without Remission , and all his Goods lost , gave himself over unto all the Devils in Hell , calling upon some of them by their Names , Gringoth , Astaroth , Rapp●lus and Gribonillis , nine several times ; which when I saw , I had above six Penny-worth of Fear , dreading that the Devils would come even then to carry away this Fool , and seeing me so near him would perhaps snatch me up too . I am ready ( thought I ) half roasted , and my Lardons will be the cause of my Mischief ; for these Devils are very lickorous of Lardons , according to the Authority which you have of the Philosopher Iamblicus and Murmault , in the Apology of Bossuris , adulterated pro magistros nostros . But for my better security I made the sign of the Cross , crying , Hageos , athanatos , hotheos , and none came : At which , my Rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved , would in transpiercing his Heart with my Spit have killed himself ; and to that purpose had set it against his Breast , but it could not enter , because it was not sharp enough . Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work upon his Body the Effect which he intended , although he did not spare all the Force he had to thrust it forward , came up to him and said , Master Bugrino , thou dost here but trifle away thy time , for thou wilt never kill thy self thus as thou doest . Well , thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee , so as to make thee languish all thy Life-time most pitifully amongst the Hands of the Chirurgions ; but if thou wilt be counselled by me , I will kill thee clear outright , so that thou shalt not so much as feel it ; and trust me , for I have killed a great many others , who never have complained afterwards . Ha , my Friend , said he , I prethee do so , and for thy pains I will give thee my Cod-piece ; take , here it is , there are six hundred Seraphs in it , and some fine Diamonds , and most excellent Rubies . And where are they , said Epistemon ? By St. Iohn ( said Panurge ) they are a good way hence , if they always keep going : But where is the last Year's Snow ? This was the greatest care that Villon the Parisian Poet took . Make an end ( said Pantagruel ) that we may know how thou didst dress thy Baashaw : By the Faith of an honest Man ( said Panurge ) I do not lie in one word ; I swadled him in a scurvy Swathel-binding , which I found lying there half burnt , and with my Cords tied him Royster-like both Hand and Foot , in such sort that he was not able to winse ; then past my Spit through his Throat , and hanged him thereon , fastening the end thereof at two great Hooks or Cramp-irons , upon which they did hang their Halberds ; and then kindling a fair Fire under him , did flame you up my Milourt , as they use to do dry Herrings in a Chimney : with this , taking his Budget , and a little Javelin that was upon the foresaid Hooks , I ran away a fair Gallop-rake , and God he knows how I did smell my Shoulder of Mutton .

When I was come down into the Street , I found every Body come to put out the Fire with store of Water , and seeing me so half-roasted , they did naturally pity my Case , and threw all their Water upon me , which by a most joyful refreshing of me , did me very much good . Then did they present me with some Victuals , but I could not eat much , because they gave me nothing to drink but Water after their fashion . Other hurt they did me none , only one little villanous Turky knob-brested Rogue , came to snatch away some of my Lardons ; but I gave him such a sturdy Thump , and sound Rap on the Fingers , with all the weight of my Javelin , that he came no mote the second time . Shortly after this , there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian Wench , who brought me a Box full of Conserves , of round Mirabolan Plums , called Emblicks , and looked upon my poor Roger with an Eye of great Compassion , as it was Flea-bitten and pinked with the Sparkles of the Fire from whence it came , for it reached no further in length ( believe me ) than my Knees . But note , that this Roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatica , whereunto I had been subject above seven Years before , upon that side which my Roaster , by falling asleep , suffered to be burnt .

Now whilst they were thus busy about me , the Fire triumphed , never ask , How ? for it took hold on above two thousand Houses ; which one of them espying , cryed out , saying , By Mahooms Belly all the City is on fire , and we do nevertheless stand gazing here , without offering to make any Relief . Upon this , every one ran to save his own . For my part , I took my way towards the Gate . When I was got upon the Knap of a little Hillock , not far off , I turned me about as did Lot's Wife , and looking back , saw all the City burning in a fair Fire ; whereat I was so glad , that I had almost beshit my self for Joy : but God punished me well for it . How ? said Pantagruel . Thus , said Panurge ; for when with Pleasure I beheld this jolly Fire , jesting with my self , and saying , Ha poor Flies , ha poor Mice , you will have a bad Winter of it this Year ; the Fire is in your Reeks , it is in your Bed-straw : Out came more than six , yea more than thirteen hundred and eleven Dogs great and small , altogether out of the Town , flying away from the Fire . At the first Approach they ran all upon me , being carried on by the Scent of my leacherous half-roasted Flesh , and had even then devoured me in a trice , if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the Instruction of a Remedy , very sovereign against the Pain of the Teeth . And wherefore ( said Pantagruel ) wert thou afraid of the Pain of the Teeth ? wert thou not cured of thy Rheums ? By Palm-Sunday ( said Panurge ) is there any greater Pain of the Teeth than when the Dogs have you by the Legs ? But on a sudden ( as my good Angel directed me ) I thought upon my Lardons , and threw them into the midst of the Field among them : then did the Dogs run , and fight with one another at fair Teeth , which should have the Lardons : by this means they left me , and I left them also bustling with , and haring one another . Thus did I escape frolick and lively , Grammerie Roast-meat and Cookery .

CHAP. XV. How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the Walls of Paris .

PAntagruel one Day to refresh himself of his Study , went a walking towards St. Marcel's Suburbs , to see the Extravagancy of the Gobeline Building , and to taste of their spiced Bread . Panurge was with him , having always a Flaggon under his Gown , and a good Slice of a Gammon of Bacon ; for without this he never went , saying , That it was his Life-guard ; other Sword carried he none . And when Pantagruel would have given him one , he answered , that he needed none , for that it would but heat his Feius . Yea , but ( said Epistemon ) if thou shouldest be set upon , how wouldest thou defend thy self ? With great brodkin Blows , answered he , provided Thrusts were forbidden . At their return , Panurge considered the Walls of the City of Paris , and in derision said to Pantagruel , See what fair Walls here are ! O how strong they are , and well fitted to keep Geese in a Coop to fatten them ! by my Beard they are very sorry Walls for such a City as this is ; for a Cow with one Fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them . O my Friend ( said Pantagruel ) dost thou know what Agesilaus said , when he was asked , Why the great City of Lacedemon was not inclosed with Walls ? shewing them the Inhabitants and Citizens , so strong , so well armed , and so expert in Military Discipline ; Lo here ( said he ) the Walls of the City : Signifying thereby , that there is no Wall but of Bones , and that Towns and Cities cannot have a surer Wall , nor better Fortification than the Prowess and Vertue of the Citizens and Inhabitants . So is this City so strong , by the great number of Warlike People that are in it , that they care not for making any other Walls .

Besides , whosoever would go about to wall it ▪ as Strasbourg , Orleans or Ferrara , would find it almost impossible , the Cost and Charges would be so excessive . Yea , but ( said Panurge ) it is good nevertheless to have an outside of Stone , when we are invaded by our Enemies , were it but to ask , Who is below there ? As for the enormous Expence , which you say would be needful for undertaking the great Work of walling this City about , if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough Cup of Wine , I will shew them a pretty , strange and new way how they may build them good cheap . How , said Pantagruel ? Do not speak of it then , ( answered Panurge ) and I will tell it you . I see that the what d' ye Call-ums of the Women of this Country , are better cheap than Stones : of them should the Walls be built , ranging them in good Symmetry by the Rules of Architecture , and placing the largest in the first Ranks , then sloping downwards Ridg-ways , like the Back of an Ass ; the middle sized ones must be ranked next , and last of all the least and smallest . This done , there must be a fine little interlacing of them , like Points of Diamonds , as is to be seen in the great Tower of Bourges , with a like number of the lusty Catfoes that dwell in amongst the claustral Cod-pieces . What Devil were able to overthrow such Walls ? there is no Metal like it to resist Blows , in so far that if Culverin-shot should come to grase upon it , you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed Fruit of the great Pox , as small as Rain . Beware in the name of the Devils , and hold off . Furthermore , No Thunderbolt or Lightning would fall upon it ; for why ? they are all either blest or consecrated . I see but one Inconveniency in it . Ho , ho , ha , ha , ha , ( said Pantagruel ) and what is that ? It is that the Flies would be so lickorish of them , to a Wonder , and would quickly gather there together , and there leave their Ordure and Excretions , and so all the Work would be spoiled . But see how that might be remedied : they must be wiped and made rid of the Flies with fair Fox-tails , or good great Ass-pizzles of Provence . And to this purpose I will tell you ( as we go to Supper ) a brave Example set down by Frater Lubinus , libro de compotationibus mendicantium .

In the time that the Beasts did speak , ( which is not yet three Days ago ) a poor Lion walking through the Forest of Bieure , and saying his own little private Devotions , past under a Tree where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down Wood : who seeing the Lion , cast his Hatchet at him , and wounded him enormously in one of his Legs : whereupon the Lion halting , so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the Forest to find help , till at last he met with a Carpenter , who willingly look'd upon his Wound , cleansed it as well as he could , and filled it with Moss , telling him that he must wipe his Wound well , that the Flies might not do their Excrements in it , whilst he should go search for some Millefoil , commonly called the Carpenter's Herb. The Lion being thus healed , walked along in the Forrest ; at what time , a sempiternous old Hag was picking up , and gathering some Sticks in the said Forest , who seeing the Lion coming towards her , for fear fell down backwards , in such sort , that the Wind blew up her Gown , Coats and Smock even as far as above her Shoulders . Which the Lion perceiving , for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the Fall ; and thereupon considering her what you call it , said , O poor Woman , who hath thus wounded thee ? which Words when he had spoken , he espied a Fox , whom he called to come to him , saying , Gossip Renard , hau , hither , hither , and for cause .

When the Fox was come , he said unto him , My Gossip and Friend , they have hurt this good Woman here between the Legs most villanously , and there is a manifest Solution of Continuity ; see how great a Wound it is , even from the Tail up to the Navel , in measure four , nay full five Hand-fulls and a half ; this is the Blow of an Hatchet , I doubt me it is an old Wound , and therefore that the Flies may not get into it , wipe it lustily well and hard , I prethee , both within and without ; thou hast a good Tail and long ; wipe , my Friend , wipe , I beseech thee , and in the mean while I will go get some Moss to put into it . For thus ought we to succour and help one another . Wipe it hard , thus , my Friend , wipe it well , for this Wound must be often wiped , otherwise the Party cannot be at ease . Go to , wipe well , my little Gossip , wipe , God hath furnished thee with a Tail ; thou hast a long one , and of a Bigness proportionable , wipe hard and be not weary . A good Wiper , who in wiping continually , wipeth with his Wipard , by Wasps shall never be wounded . Wipe , my pretty Minion , wipe , my little Bully , I will not stay long . Then went he to get store of Moss ; and when he was a little way off , he cried out in speaking to the Fox thus , Wipe well still , Gossip , wipe , and let it never grieve thee to wipe well , my little Gossip , I will put thee into Service to be Wiper to Don Pedro de Castille ; wipe , only wipe , and no more . The poor Fox wiped as hard as he could , here and there , within and without : but the false old Trot did so fizzle and foist , that she stunk like a hundred Devils . Which put the poor Fox to a great deal of ill ease ; for he knew not to what side to turn himself , to escape the unsavoury Perfume of this old Woman's postern Blasts . And whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither , without knowing how to shun the Annoyance of those unwholesom Gusts , he saw that behind there was yet another Hole , not so great as that which he did wipe , out of which came this filthy and infectious Air. The Lion at last returned , bringing with him of Moss more than eighteen Packs would hold , and began to put it into the Wound , with a Staff which he had provided for that purpose ; and had already put in full sixteen Packs and a half , at which he was amazed : What a Devil ? ( said he ) this Wound is very deep , it would hold above two Cart-loads of Moss . The Fox perceiving this , said unto the Lion , O Gossip Lion , my Friend , I pray thee do not put in all thy Moss there , keep somewhat ; for there is yet here another little Hole , that stinks like five hundred Devils . I am almost choaked with the smell thereof , it is so pestiferous and impoisoning .

In this manner ( said Panurge ) must these Walls be kept from the Flies ; and Wages allowed to some for wiping of them . Then said Pantagruel , How dost thou know that the privy Parts of Women are at such a cheap Rate ? for in this City there are many vertuous , honest and chaste Women besides the Maids . Et ubi prenus , said Panurge ? I will give you my Opinion of it , and that upon certain and assured Knowledg . I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hundred and seventeen , since I came into this City , though it be but nine days ago . But this very Morning I met with a good Fellow , who in a Wallet , such as Aesop's was , carried two little Girls of two or three years old at the most , one before , and the other behind . He demanded Alms of me , but I made him answer , that I had more Cods than Pence . Afterwards I asked him , good Man , these two Girls are they Maids ? Brother , said he , I have carried them thus these two years , and in regard of her that is before , whom I see continually , in my Opinion she is a Virgin , nevertheless I will not put my Finger in the Fire for it ; as for her that is behind , doubtless I can say nothing . Indeed ( said Pantagruel ) thou art a merry Companion , I will have thee to be apparelled in my Livery : and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the Fashion that then was ; only that Panurge would have the Cod-piece of his Breeches three Foot-long , and in shape square , not round , which was done , and was well worth the seeing . Often-times was he wont to say that the World had not yet known the Emolument and Utility that is in wearing great Cod-pieces ; but Time would one day teach it them , as all things have been invented in time .

God keep from hurt ( said he ) the good Fellow whose great Cod-piece hath saved his Life . God keep from hurt him , whose great Cod-piece hath been worth to him in one day , one hundred threescore thousand and nine Crowns . God keep from hurt him , who by his great Cod-piece hath saved a whole City from dying by Famine . And by G— I will make a Book of the Commodity of great Cod-pieces , when I shall have more leasure . And indeed he composed a fair great Book with Figures , but it is not printed as yet that I know of .

CHAP. XVI . Of the Qualities and Conditions of Panurge .

PAnurge was of a middle Stature , not too high nor too low , and had somewhat an Aquiline Nose , made like the Handle of a Razor . He was at that time five and thirty Years old or thereabouts , fine to gild like a leaden Dagger ; for he was a very gallant Man of his Person , only that he was a little lewd , and naturally subject to a kind of Disease , which at that time they called Lack of Money ; a Malady Nompareil : yet notwithstanding he had threescore and three Tricks to help himself at his need . Of which , the most honourable and most ordinary , was by the way of filching ; for he was a quarrelsom Fellow , a Sharper , Drinker , Royster , Scowrer , and a very dissolute and debauch'd Fellow , if there were any in Paris ; otherwise , and in all Matters else , the best Man in the World . And he was still contriving some Plot , and devising Mischief against the Serjeants and the Watch.

At one time he assembled three or four especial good Hacksters and roaring Boys ; made them in the Evening drink like Templers , afterwards led them till they came under St. Genevieve , or about the College of Navar ; and at the Hour that the Watch was coming up that way , which he knew by putting his Sword upon the Pavement , and his Ear by it , and when he heard his Sword shake , it was an infallible Sign that the Watch was near at that instant : then he and his Companions took a Tumbrel or Dung-cart , and gave it the Brangle , hurling it with all their Force down the Hill , and so overthrew all the poor Watchmen like Pigs , and then ran away upon the other side ; for in less than two days , he knew all the Streets , Lanes and Turnings in Paris , as well as his Deus de● .

At another time he made in some fair Place , where the said Watch was to pass , a Train of Gun-powder , and at the very instant that they went along , set fire to it , and then made himself Sport to see what good Grace they had in running away , thinking that St. Anthony's . Fire had caught them by the Legs . As for the poor Masters of Arts , he did persecute them above all others . When he encountered with any of them upon the Street , he would never fail to put some Trick or other upon them ; sometimes putting a fry'd Turd in their Graduate Hoods ; at other times pinning on little Fox-tails , or Hares-ears behind them , or some such other roguish Prank . One Day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder-street , he made a Borbonnesa Tart , made of store of G●●lick , of Assa foetida , of Castoreum , of Dogs Turds very warm ; which he steep'd , temper'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt Matter of pocky Biles , and pestiferous Botch●s ; and very early in the Morning , therewith anointed all the Pavement , in such sort , that the Devil could not have endured it . Which made all these good People , there to lay up their Gorges , and vomit what was upon their Stomachs before all the World , as if they had flayed the Fox . And ten or twelve of them died of the Plague ; fourteen became Lepers , eighteen grew Lousy , and above seven and twenty had the Pox , but he did not care a Button for it . He commonly carried a Whip under his Gown , wherewith he whipt without remission the Pages , whom he found carrying Wine to their Masters , to make them mend their pace . In his Coat he had above six and twenty little Fabs and Pockets always full , one with some Lead-water , and a little Knife as sharp as a Glover's Needle , wherewith he used to cut Purses : Another with some kind of bitter Stuff , which he threw into the Eyes of those he met : Another with Clotburs , penned with little Geese or Capons Feathers , which he cast upon the Gowns and Caps of honest People ; and often made them fair Horns , which they wore about all the City , sometimes all their Life . Very often also upon the Womens Hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the Shape of a Man's Member . In another he had a great many little Horns full of Fleas 〈◊〉 Lice , which he borrowed from the 〈◊〉 of St. Innocent , and cast them 〈…〉 ●mall Canes or Quills to write with ▪ ●nto the Necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen 〈…〉 could find , yea even in the Church , for he never seated himself above in the Quire , but always sate in the Body of the Church amongst the Women , both at Mass , at Vespres , and at Sermon . In another , he used to have good store of Hooks and Buckles , where withal he would couple Men and Women together , that sate in company close to one another ; but especially those that wore Gowns of Crimson Taffaties , that when they were about to go away , they might rent all their Gowns . In another , he had a Squib furnished with Tinder , Matches , Stones to strike Fire , and all other Tackling necessary for it . In another , two or three burning Glasses , wherewith he made both Men and Women sometimes mad , and in the Church put them quite out of Countenance ; for he said that there was but an Antistrophe between a Woman ; folle a la messe , and molle a la fesse .

In another , he had a good deal of Needles and Thread , wherewith he did a thousand little devillish Pranks . One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall , where a Cordelier was to say Mass to the Counsellors ; he did help to apparel him , and put on his Vestments ; but in the accoutring of him , he sowed on his Alb , Surplice or Stole , to his Gown and Shirt , and then withdrew himself , when the said Lords of the Court , or Counsellors , came to hear the said Mass : but when it came to the Ite , missa est , that the poor Frater would have laid by his Stole , or Surplice , he plucked off withal both his Frock and Shirt which were well sowed together , and thereby stripping himself up to the very Shoulders , shewed his what do you Call-um to all the World , which was no small one , as you may imagine : and the Friar still kept haling , but so much the more did he discover himself , and lay open his Back-parts , till one of the Lords of the Court said , How now , what 's the matter ? will this good Father make us here an Offering of his Tail to kiss it ? nay , St. Anthony's Fire kiss it for us . From thenceforth was made an Ordinance that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the World , but in their Vestry-room , especially in the presence of Women , lest it should tempt them to the Sin of Longing , and disordinate Desire . The People then asked , why it was the Friars had so long and large Genitories ? the said Panurge resolved the Problem very neatly , saying , That which makes Asses to have such great Ears , is that their Dams did put no Biggins on their Heads , as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions ; by the like Reason , that which makes the Generation-Tools of those fair Fraters so long , is , for that they ware no bottomed Breeches , and therefore their jolly Member having no Impediment , hangeth dangling at liberty , as far as it can reach , with a wigle-wagle down to their Knees , as Woman carry their Patinotre Beads . And the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great , is , that in this constant wig-wagging the Humours of the Body descend into the said Member : for according to the Legists , Agitation and continual Motion is cause of Attraction .

Item , He had another Pocket full of itching Powder , called Stone-allum ; whereof he would cast some into the Backs of those Women , whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately , which did so ticklishly gall them , that some would strip themselves in the open view of the World , and others dance like a Cock upon hot Embers , or a Drum-stick on a Taber : others again ran about the Streets , and he would run after them : to such as were in the stripping Vein , he would very civilly come to offer his Attendance , and cover them with his Cloak , like a courteous and very gracious Man .

Item , In another he had a little Leather-bottle full of old Oil ; wherewith , when he saw any Man or Woman in a rich new handsom Sute , he would grease , smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them , saying , This is good Cloth , this is good Sattin , good Taffaties ; Madam , God give you all that your noble Heart desireth : you have a new Sute , pretty Sir ; and you a new Gown ▪ sweet Mistris , God give you Joy of it , and maintain you in all Prosperity ; and with this would lay his Hand upon their Shoulder ; at which touch such a villanous Spot was left behind , so enormously engraven to Perpetuity in the very Soul , Body and Reputation , that the Devil himself could never have taken it away . Then upon his departing , he would say , Madam , take heed you do not fall , for there is a filthy great Hole before you .

Another he had all full of Euphorbium , very finely pulverized : in that Powder did he lay a fair Handkerchief curiously wrought , which he had stollen from a pretty Seamstress of the Palace , in taking away a Louse from off her Bosom , which he had put there himself . And when he came into the Company of some good Ladies , he would trifle them into a Discourse of some fine Workmanship of Bone-lace ; then immediately put his Hand into their Bosom , askking them , And this Work , is it of Flanders , or of Hainault ? and then drew out his Handkerchief , and said , Hold , hold , look what Work here is ▪ it is of Foutiman or of Foutarabia : and shaking it hard at their Nose , made them sneeze for four ●lours without ceasing . In the mean while he would fart like a Horse , and the Women would laugh , and say , How now , do you fart Panurge ? No , no , Madam , ( said he ) I do but tune my Tail to the plain Song of the Musick , which you make with your Nose . In another he had a Picklock , a Pellican , a Cramp-iron , a Crook , and some other Iron Tools , wherewith there was no Door nor Coffer which he would not pick open . He had another full of little Cups , wherewith he played very artificially ; for he had his Fingers made to his Hand , like those of Minerva or Arachne , and had heretofore cried Triacle . And when he changed a Teston , Cardecu , or any other piece of Money , the Changer had been more subtil than a Fox , if Panurge had not at every time made five or six Sols , vanish away invisibly , openly and manifestly , without making any Hurt or Lesion , whereof the Changer should have felt nothing but the Wind.

CHAP. XVII . How Panurge gained the Pardons , and married the old Women ; and of the Suit in Law which he had at Paris .

ONe Day I found Panurge very much out of countenance , melancholick and silent , which made me suspect that he had no Money ; whereupon I said unto him , Panurge you are sick , as I do very well perceive by your Physiognomy ; and I know the Disease , you have a Flux in your Purse ; but take no care , I have yet seven Pence half-penny , that never saw Father nor Mother , which shall not be wanting no more than the Pox in your necessity . Whereunto he answered me , Well , well , for Money , one Day I shall have but too much ; for I have a Philosopher's Stone , which attracts Money out of Mens Purses , as the Adamant doth Iron . But will you go with me to gain the Pardons , said he ? By my Faith ( said I ) I am no great Pardon-taker in this World ; if I shall be any such in the other , I cannot tell . Yet let us go in God's Name , it is but one Farthing more or less . But ( said he ) lend me then a Farthing upon interest ? No , no , ( said I ) I will give it you freely , and from my Heart , Grates vobis dominos , said he .

So we went along , beginning at St. Gervase , and I got the Pardons at the first Box only ; for in those Matters very little contenteth me . Then did I say my small Suffrages , and the Prayers of St. Brigid ; but he gained them at all the Boxes , and always gave Money to every one of the Pardoners . From thence we went to our Ladies Church , to St. Iohn's , to St. Anthony's , and so to the other Churches , where there was a Banquet of Pardons ; for my part , I gained no more of them . But he at all the Boxes kissed the Relicks , and gave at every one . To be brief , when we were returned , he brought me to drink at the Castle-Tavern , and there shewed me ten or twelve of his little Bags full of Money ; at which I blest my self , and made the Sign of the Cross , saying , Where have you recovered so much Money in so little time ? Unto which he answered me , that he had taken it out of the Basons of the Pardons . For in giving them the first Farthing ( said he ) I put it in with such slight of hand , and so dexterously , that it appeared to be a Three-pence ; thus with one Hand I took Three-pence , Nine-pence or Six-pence at the least , and with the other as much , and so through all the Churches where we have been .

Yea , but ( said I ) you damn your self like a Snake , and are withal a Thief and sacrilegious Person . True , ( said he ) in your Opinion , but I am not of that Mind ; for the Pardoners do give me it , when they say unto me in presenting the Relicks to kiss , Centuplum accipies ; that is , that for one Penny I should take a hundred . For Accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrews , who use the future Tense instead of the Imperative , as you have in the Law , Diliges Dominum ; that is , dilige : Even so when the Pardon-Bearer says to me , Centuplum accipies ; his meaning is , Centuplum accipe : and so doth Rabbi Kimi , and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it , and all the Massorets , & ibi Bartholus .

Moreover , Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred Francks of yearly Pension upon his Ecclesiastical Revenues and Treasure , for having cured him of a Canckrous Botch , which did so torment him , that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life . Thus I do pay my self at my own hand ( for otherways I get nothing ) upon the said Ecclesiastical Treasure .

Ho , my Friend ! ( said he ) if thou didst know how well I feathered my Nest , by the Pope's Bull of the Croisade , thou wouldest wonder exceedingly . It was worth to me above six thousand Florins . And what a Devil is become of them ? said I ; for of that Money thou hast not one Half-penny . They returned from whence they came , ( said he ) they did no more but change their Master .

But I employed at least three thousand of them in marrying ( not young Virgins , for they find but too many Husbands ) but great old sempiternous Trots , which had not so much as one Tooth in their Heads . And that out of the Consideration I had , that these good old Women had very well spent the time of their Youth in playing at the Close-buttock-game to all Comers , serving the foremost first , till no Man would have any more dealing with them . And by G— I will have their Skin-coat shaken once yet before they die . By this means , to one I gave a hundred Florins , to another six score , to another three hundred , according as they were infamous , detestable and abominable . For by how much the more horrible and execrable they were , so much the more must I needs have given them , otherways the Devil would not have jum'd them . Presently I went to some great and fat Wood-porters , or such like , and did my self make the Match ; but before I did shew him the old Hags , I made a fair muster to him of the Crowns , saying , Good Fellow , see what I will give thee , if thou wilt but condescend to dufle , dinfredaille , or lecher it one good bout . Then began the poor Rogues to gape like old Mules , and I caused to be provided for them a Banquet , with Drink of the best , and store of Spiceries , to put the old Women in rut and heat of Lust. To be short , they occupied all like good Souls ; only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured , I caused their Heads to be put within a Bag , to hide their Face .

Besides all this , I have lost a great deal in Suits of Law . And what Law-Suits couldst thou have , said I ? thou hast neither House nor Lands . My Friend , ( said he ) the Gentlewomen of this City had found out , by the instigation of the Devil of Hell , a manner of high-mounted Gorgets , and Neckerchiefs for Women , which did so closely cover their Bosoms , that Men could no more put their Hands under ; for they had put the Slit behind , and those Neckcloths were wholly shut before ; whereat the poor sad contemplative Lovers were much discontented . Upon a fair Tuesday , I presented a Petition to the Court , making my self a Party against the said Gentlewomen , and shewing the great Interest that I pretended therein , protesting that by the same reason , I would cause the Cod-piece of my Breeches to be sowed behind , if the Court would not take order for it . In sum , the Gentlewomen put in their Defences , shewed the Grounds they went upon , and constituted their Attorney for the prosecuting of the Cause ; but I pursued them so vigorously , that by a Sentence of the Court it was decreed , those high Neckcloths should be no longer worn , if they were not a little cleft and open before : but it cost me a good Sum of Money . I had another very filthy and beastly Process against Master Fohfoh and his Deputies , that they should no more read privily the Pipe , Punehon , nor quart of Sentences ; but in fair full-day , and that in the Fodder-Schools , in face of the Arrian Sophisters , where I was ordained to pay the Charges , by reason of some Clause mistaken in the Relation of the Serjeant .

Another time I framed a Complaint to the Court , against the Mules of the Presidents , Counsellors and others , tending to this purpose ; that when in the lower Court of the Palace , they left them to champ on their Bridles , some Bibs might be made for them , that with their Drivelling they might not spoil the Pavement , to the end , that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it at Dice , or Coxbody at their own ease , without spoiling their Breeches at the Knees . And for this I had a fair Decree , but it cost me dear . Now reckon up what Expence I was at in little Banquets , which from Day to Day I made to the Pages of the Palace . And to what end , said I ? My Friend ( said he ) thou hast no pass-time at all in this World , I have more than the King ; and if thou wilt join thy self with me , we will do the Devil together .

No , no , ( said I ) by St. Adauras that will I not , for thou wilt be hanged one time or another . And thou ( said he ) wilt be interred sometime or other . Now which is most honourable , the Air or the Earth ? Ho , grosse Pecore .

Whilst the Pages are at their Banqueting , I keep their Mules , and to some one I cut the Stirrup-leather of the Mounting side , till it hang but by a thin Strap or Thread , that when the great Puff-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his Swing to get up , he may fall flat on his Side like a Pork , and so furnish the Spectators with more than a hundred Francks worth of Laughter . But I laugh yet further , to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipp'd like green Rie , which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them . In brief , he had ( as I said before ) threescore and three Ways to acquire Money , but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it , besides his Drinking .

CHAP XVIII . How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel , and was overcome by Panurge .

IN that same time a certain learned Man , named Thaumast , hearing the Fame and Renown of Pantagruel's incomparable Knowledg , came out of his own Countrey of England , with an Intent only to see him , to try thereby , and prove , whether his Knowledg in Effect was so great as it was reported to be . In this Resolution , being arrived at Paris , he went forthwith unto the House of Pantagruel , who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys , and was then walking in the Garden with Panurge , philosophizing after the Fashion of the Peripateticks At his first Entrance he startled , and was almost out of his Wits for Fear , seeing him so great and so tall ; then did he salute him courteously , as the Manner is , and said unto him , Very true it is , saith Plato the Prince of Philosophers , that if the Image of Knowledg and Wisdom were corporeal and visible to the Eyes of Mortals , it would stir up all the World to admire her . Which we may the rather believe , that the very bare Report thereof , scattered in the Air , if it happen to be received into the Ears of Men , who for being studious , and Lovers of vertuous things , are called Philosophers , doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in Quiet , but so pricketh them up , and sets them on fire , to run unto the Place where the Person is , in whom the said Knowledg is said to have built her Temple , and uttered her Oracles ; as it was manifestly shewn unto us in the Queen of Sheba , who came from the utmost Borders of the East and Persian Sea , to see the Order of Solomon's House , and to hear his Wisdom . In Anacharsis , who came out of Scythia , even unto Athens , to see Solon . In Pythagoras , who travelled far to visit the Memphitical Vaticinators . In Platon , who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt , and Architas of Tarentum . In Apollonius Tianeus , who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus , passed along the Scythians , the Massagetes , the Indians , and sailed over the great River Phison , even to the Brachmans , to see Hiarchas : As likewise unto Babylon , Chaldea , Media , Assyria , Parthia , Syria , Phaenicia , Arabia , Palestina and Alexandria , even unto Aethiopia , to see the Gymnosophists . The like Example have we of Titus Livius , whom to see and hear divers studious Persons , came to Rome , from the Confines of France and Spain . I dare not reckon my self in the Number of those so excellent Persons , but well would be called studious , and a Lover , not only of Learning , but of learned Men also . And indeed , having heard the Report of your so inestimable Knowledg , I have left my Country , my Friends , my Kindred and my House , and am come thus far , valuing at nothing the length of the Way , the Tediousness of the Sea , nor Strangeness of the Land , and that only to see you , and to confer with you about some Passages in Philosophy , of Geomancie , and of the Cabalistick Art ; whereof I am doubtful , and cannot satisfy my Mind ; which if you can resolve , I yield my self unto you for a Slave henceforward , together with all my Posterity ; for other Gift have I none , that I can esteem a Recompence sufficient for so great a Favour . I will reduce them into Writing , and to Morrow publish them to all the learned Men in the City , that we may dispute publickly before them .

But see in what manner , I mean that we shall dispute . I will not argue pro & contra , as do the sottish Sophisters of this Town , and other Places . Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academicks , by Declamation . Nor yet by Numbers , as Pythagoras was wont to do , and as Picus de la mirandula did of late at Rome . But I will dispute by Signs only , without speaking ; for the Matters are so abstruse , hard and arduous , that Words proceeding from the Mouth of Man , will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking . May it therefore please your Magnificence to be there , it shall be at the great Hall of Navarre , at seven a Clock in the Morning . When he had spoke these Words , Pantagruel very honourably said unto him , Sir , of the Graces that God hath bestowed upon me , I would not deny to communicate unto any Man to my Power ; for whatever comes from him is good , and his Pleasure is , that it should be increased when we come amongst Men worthy and fit to receive this celestial Manna of honest Literature . In which Number , because that in this Time ( as I do already very plainly perceive ) thou holdest the first Rank , I give thee Notice that at all Hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every one of thy Requests , according to my poor Ability : although I ought rather to learn of thee , than thou of me ; but as thou hast protested , we will confer of these Doubts together , and will seek out the Resolution , even unto the bottom of that undrainable Well , where Heraclitus says the Truth lies hidden . And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast proposed , to wit , by Signs without speaking ; for by this Means thou and I shall understand one another well enough , and yet shall be free from this clapping of Hands , which these blockish Sophisters make , when any of the Arguers hath gotten the better of the Argument . Now to Morrow I will not fail to meet thee at the Place and Hour that thou hast appointed ; but let me intreat thee that there be not any Strife or Uproar between us , and that we seek not the Honour and Applause of Men , but the Truth only . To which Thaumast answered , The Lord God maintain you in his Favour and Grace ; and instead of my Thankfulness to you , pour down his Blessings upon you , for that your Highness and magnificent Greatness hath not d●sdained to descend to the Grant of the Request of my poor Baseness ; so farewel till to Morrow . Farewel , said Pantagruel . Gentlemen , you that read this present Discourse , think not that ever Men were more elevated and transported in their Thoughts , than all this Night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel : for Thaumast said to the Keeper of the House of Cluny , where he was lodged , that in all his Life he had never known himself so dry as he was that Night : I think ( said he ) that Pantagruel held me by the Throat : Give Order , I pray you , that we may have some Drink , and see that some fresh Water be brought to us to gargle my Palat.

On the other side Pantagruel stretched his Wits as high as he could , entring into very deep and serious Meditations , and did nothing all that Night but plod upon , and turn over the Book of Beda , de Numeris & Signis . Plotius's Book , de Inenarrabilibus . The Book of Proclus , de Magia . The Book of Artemidorus , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Of Anaxagaras , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Dinatius , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . The Books of Philistion . Hipponax , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ; and a Rabble of others , so long , that Panurge said unto him ,

My Lord , leave all these Thoughts , and go to Bed ; for I perceive your Spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them , that you may easily fall into some Quotidian Fever with this so excessive thinking and plodding : but having first drank twenty five , or thirty good Draughts , retire your self and sleep your fill ; for in the Morning I will argue against , and answer your Monsieur the Englishman ; and if I drive him not ad metam non loqui , then call me Knave . Yea but ( said he ) my Friend Panurge , he is marvellously learned , how wilt thou be able to answer him ? Very well , ( answered Panurge ) I pray you talk no more of it , but let me alone ; is any Man so learned as the Devils are ? No , indeed ( said Pantagruel ) without God's especial Grace . Yet for all that ( said Panurge ) I have argued against them , gravelled and blanked them in Disputation , and laid them so squat upon their Tails , that I have made them look like Monkies : therefore be assured , that to Morrow I will make this vain-glorious Englishman to skite Vinegar before all the World . So Panurge spent the Night with tipling amongst the Pages , and played away all the Points of his Breeches at primus secundus , and at Peck-point . Yet when the appointed Time was come , he failed not to conduct his Master Pantagruel to the Place , unto which ( believe me ) there was neither great nor small in Paris but came , thinking with themselves that this devilish Pantagruel , who had overthrown and vanquished in Dispute all these doting fresh-water Sophisters , would now get full Payment , and be tickled to some purpose ; for this Englishman is another Devil of a Disputant ; we will see who will be Conqueror .

Thus all being assembled , Thaumast stayed for them ; and then when Pantagruel and Panurge came into the Hall , all the School-boys , Professors of Arts , Senior-Sophisters and Batchelors began to clap their Hands , as their scurvy Custom is : but Pantagruel cried out with a loud Voice , as if it had been the Sound of a double Cannon , saying , Peace , with a Devil to you , Peace ; by G— you Rogues , if you trouble me here , I will cut off the Heads of every one of you . At which Words they remained all daunted and astonished , like so many Ducks , and durst not do so much as cough , although they had swallowed fifteen Pounds o● Feathers : withal they grew so dry with this only Voice , that they laid out their Tongues a full half Foot beyond their Mouths , as if Pantagruel had salted all their Throats . Then began Panurge to speak , saying to the Englishman , Sir , are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those Propositions you have set down , or otherways but to learn and know the Truth ? To which answered Thaumast , Sir , no other thing brought me hither , but the great Desire I had to learn , and to know that of which I have doubted all my Life long , and have neither found Book nor Man able to content me in the Resolution of those Doubts which I have proposed . And as for disputing contentiously , I will not do it , for it is too base a thing , and therefore leave it to those sottish Sophisters , who in their Disputes do not search for the Truth , but for Contradiction only and Debate . Then said Panurge , If I who am but a mean and inconsiderable Disciple of my Master my Lord Pantagruel , content and satisfy you in all and every thing , it were a thing below my said Master , wherewith to trouble him : therefore is it fitter that he be Chair-man , and sit as a Judg and Moderator of our Discourse and Purpose , and give you Satisfaction in many things , wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your Expectation . Truly ( said Thaumast ) it is very well said : begin then . Now you must note that Panurge had set at the End of his long Codpiece a pretty Tuft of red Silk , as also of white , green and blew , and within it had put a fair Orange .

CHAP. XIX . How Panurge put to a non-plus the English-man that argued by Signs .

EVery Body then taking heed , and harkning with great Silence , the English-man lift up on high into the Air his two Hands severally , clinching in all the Tops of his Fingers together , after the manner they call en Chinonnois , the Hens Arse , and struck the one Hand on the other by the Nails four several times : then he opening them , struck the one with the flat of the other , till it yielded a clashing Noise , and that only once : again in joining them as before he struck twice , and afterwards four times in opening them ; then did he lay them joined , and extended the one towards the other , as if he had been devoutly to send up his Prayers unto God . Panurge suddenly lifted up in the Air his right Hand , and put the Thumb thereof into the Nostril of the same Side , holding his four Fingers streight out , and closed orderly in a parallel Line to the Point of his Nose , shutting the left Eye wholly , and making the other wink with a profound Depression of the Eye-brows and Eye-lids . Then lifted he up his left Hand , with hard wringing and stretching forth his four Fingers , and elevating his Thumb , which he held in a Line directly correspondent to the Situation of his right Hand , with the Distance of a Cubit and a half between them . This done , in the same Form he abased towards the Ground , both the one and the other Hand . Lastly , he held them in the midst , as aiming right at the English-man's Nose . And if Mercurie , said the English-man — : there Panurge interrupted him , and said , You have spoken Mask .

Then made the English-man this Sign , his left Hand all open he lifted up into the Air , then instantly shut into his Fist the four Fingers thereof , and his Thumb extended at length he placed upon the Gristle of his Nose . Presently after he lifted up his right Hand all open , and all open abased and bent it downwards , putting the Thumb thereof in the very Place where the little Finger of the left Hand did close in the Fist , and the four right-Hand-Fingers he softly moved in the Air. Then contrarily he did with the right Hand what he had done with the left , and with the left what he had done with the right .

Panurge being not a whit amazed at this , drew out into the Air his Trismegist Codpiece with the left Hand , and with his right drew forth a Trunchion of a white Ox-rib , and two Pieces of Wood of a like Form , one of black Eben , and the other of Incarnation Brasil , and put them betwixt the Fingers of that Hand in good Symmetrie : then knocking them together , made such a Noise as the Lepers of Britainie use to do with their clappering Clickets , yet better resounding , and far more harmonious , and with his Tongue contracted in his Mouth , did very merrily warble it , always looking fixedly upon the English-man . The Divines , Physicians and Chirurgions that were there , thought that by this Sign he would have inferred that the English-man was a Leper . The Counsellors , Lawyers and Decretalists conceived , that by doing this , he would have concluded some kind of mortal Felicity to consist in Leprosie , as the Lord maintained heretofore .

The English-man for all this was nothing daunted , but holding up his two Hands in the Air , kept them in such Form , that he closed the three Master-fingers in his Fist ; and passing his Thumbs thorow his indical and middle Fingers , his auriculary Fingers remained extended and stretched out , and so presented he them to Panurge : then joined he them so , that the right Thumb touched the left , and the left little Finger touched the right . Hereat Panurge , without speaking one Word , lift up his Hands and made this Sign .

He put the Nail of the Forefinger of his left Hand , to the Nail of the Thumb of the same , making in the middle of the Distance as it were a Buckle , and of his right Hand shut up all the Fingers into his Fist , except the Forefinger which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left Hand : then stretched he out the Forefinger and middle Finger or medical of his right Hand , holding them asunder as much as he could , and thrusting them towards Thaumast . Then did he put the Thumb of his left Hand upon the Corner of his left Eye , stretching out all his Hand like the Wing of a Bird , or the Fin of a Fish , and moving it very daintily this way and that way ; he did as much with his right Hand upon the Corner of his right Eye . Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale , and to tremble , and made him this Sign .

With the middle Finger of his right Hand he struck against the Muscle of the Palm or Pulp , which is under the Thumb : then put he the Forefinger of the right Hand in the like Buckle of the left , but he put it under and not over , as Panurge did . Then Panurge knocked one Hand against another , and blowed in his Palm , and put again the Forefinger of his right Hand into the Overture or Mouth of the left , pulling it often in and out : then held he out his Chin , most intensively looking upon Thaumast . The People there which understood nothing in the other Signs , knew very well what therein he demanded , without speaking a Word to Thaumast : What do you mean by that ? In Effect , Thaumast then began to sweat great Drops , and seemed to all the Spectators a Man strangely ravished in high Contemplation . Then he bethought himself , and put all the Nails of his left Hand against those of his right , opening his Fingers as if they had been Semicircles , and with this Sign lift up his Hands as high as he could . Whereupon Panurge presently put the Thumb of his right Hand under his Jaws , and the little Finger thereof in the Mouth of the left Hand , and in this Posture made his Teeth to sound very melodiously , the upper against the lower . With this Thaumast with great Toil and Vexation of Spirit rose up , but in rising let a great Bakers Fart , for the Bran came after ; and pissing withal very strong Vineger , stunk like all the Devils in Hell . The Company began to stop their Nose ; for he had conskitted himself with meer Anguish and Perplexity . Then lifted he up his right Hand , clinching it in such sort , that he brought the Ends of all his Fingers to meet together ; and his left Hand he laid flat upon his Breast . Whereat Panurge drew out his long Codpiece with his Tuft , and stretched it forth a Cubit and a half , holding it in the Air with his right Hand , and with his left took out his Orange , and casting it up into the Air seven times , at the eighth he hid it in the Fist of his right Hand , holding it steadily up on high , and then began to shake his fair Codpiece , shewing it to Thaumast .

After that Thaumast began to puff up his two Cheeks like a Player on a Bagpipe , and blew as if he had been to puff up a Pig 's Bladder . Whereupon Panurge put one Finger of his left Hand in his Nockandrow , and with his Mouth suck'd in the Air , in such a manner as when one eats Oysters in the Shell , or when we sup up our Broth : this done , he opened his Mouth somewhat , and struck his right Hand flat upon it , making therewith a great and a deep Sound , as if it came from the Superficies of the Diaphragma through the Trachiartere : and this he did for sixteen Times ; but Thaumast did always keep blowing like a Goose. Then Panurge put the Forefinger of his right Hand into his Mouth , pressing it very hard to the Muscles thereof : then he drew it out , and withal made a great Noise , as when little Boys shoot Pellets out of the Pot-cannons made of the hollow Sticks of the Branch of an Elder-tree ; and he did it nine times .

Then Thaumast cried out , Ha , my Masters , a great Secret : with this he put in his Hand up to the Elbow ; then drew out a Dagger that he had , holding it by the Point downwards . Whereat Panurge took his long Codpiece , and shook it as hard as he could against his Thighs ; then put his two Hands intwined in manner of a Comb upon his Head , laying out his Tongue as far as he was able ; and turning his Eyes in his Head , like a Goat that is ready to die . Ha , I understand ( said Thaumast ) but what ? making such a Sign , that he put the Haft of his Dagger against his Breast , and upon the Point thereof the flat of his Hand , turning in a little the Ends of his Fingers ; whereat Panurge held down his Head on the left side , and put his middle Finger into his right Ear , holding up his Thumb bolt upright ; then he cross'd his two Arms upon his Breast , and coughed five times , and at the fifth time he struck his right Foot against the Ground : then he lift up his left Arm , and closing all his Fingers into his Fist , held his Thumb against his Forehead , striking with his right Hand six times against his Breast . But Thaumast , as not content therewith , put the Thumb of his left Hand upon the Top of his Nose , shutting the rest of his said Hand . Whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fingers upon each side of his Mouth , drawing it as much as he was able , and widening it so , that he shewed all his Teeth : and with his two Thumbs pluck'd down his two Eye-lids very low , making therewith a very ill-favour'd Countenance , as it seemed to the Company .

CHAP. XX. How Thaumast relateth the Vertues and Knowledg of Panurge .

THen Thaumast rose up , and putting off his Cap , did very kindly thank the said Panurge , and with a loud Voice said unto all the People that were there , My Lords , Gentlemen , and others , at this time may I to some good Purpose speak that Evangelical Word , Et ecce plus quàm Salomon hîc . You have here in your Presence an incomparable Treasure , that is , my Lord Pantagruel , whose great Renown hath brought me hither , out of the very Heart of England , to confer with him about the insoluble Problems , both in Magick , Alchymy , the Caballe , Geomancy , Astrology and Philosophy , which I had in my Mind . But at present I am angry , even with Fame it self , which I think was envious to him , for that it did not declare the thousandth Part of the Worth that indeed is in him . You have seen how his Disciple only hath satisfied me , and hath told me more than I asked of him : besides , he hath opened unto me and resolved other inestimable Doubts , wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well , Fountain and Abyss of the Encyclopedeia of Learning ; yea in such a sort , that I did not think I should ever have found a Man that could have made his Skill appear , in so much as the first Elements of that concerning which we disputed by Signs , without speaking either Word or half Word . But in fine , I will reduce into Writing that which we have said and concluded , that the World may not take them to be Fooleries , and will hereafter cause them to be printed , that every one may learn as I have done . Judg then what the Master had been able to say , seeing the Disciple hath done so valiantly ; for , Non est Discipulus super Magistrum . Howsoever God be praised , and I do very humbly thank you for the Honour that you have done us at this Act : God reward you for it eternally . The like Thanks gave Pantagruel to all the Company ; and going from thence , he carried Thaumast to Dinner with him , and believe that they drank as much as their Skins could hold ; or , as the Phrase is , with unbottomed Bellies , ( for in that Age they made fast their Bellies with Buttons , as we do now the Collars of our Doublets ) even till they neither knew where they were , nor whence they came . Blessed Lady , how they did carouze it , and pluck ( as we say ) at the Kids Leather ; and Flaggons to trot , and they to toot , Draw , give ( Page ) some Wine ; here , reach hither , fill with a Devil , so ? There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty Pipes , can you tell how ? even sicut terra sine aqua ; for the Weather was hot ; and besides that , they were very dry . In Matter of the Exposition of the Propositions set down by Thaumast ; and the Signification of the Signs which they used in their Disputation , I would have set them down for you according to their own Relation ; but I have been told that Thaumast made a great Book of it , imprinted at London , wherein he hath set down all without omitting any thing , and therefore at this Time I do pass by it .

CHAP. XXI . How Panurge was in love with a Lady of Paris .

PAnurge began to be in great Reputation in the City of Paris , by Means of this Disputation , wherein he prevailed against the English-man , and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him , to which Effect he had it pinked with pretty little Embroideries , after the Romanesca Fashion : And the World did praise him publickly , in so far that there was a Song made of him , which little Children did use to sing when they went to fetch Mustard . He was withal made welcome in all Companies of Ladies and Gentlewomen ; so that at last he became presumptuous , and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City : And indeed leaving a Rabble of long Prologues and Protestations , which ordinarily these dolent contemplative Lent-lovers make , who never meddle with the Flesh ; one Day he said unto her , Madam , it would be a very great Benefit to the Commonwealth , delightful to you , honourable to your Progeny , and necessary for me , that I cover you for the propagating of my Race ; and believe it , for Experience will teach it you . The Lady at this Word thrust him back above a hundred Leagues , saying , You mischievous Fool , is it for you to talk thus unto me ? whom do you think you have in hand ? be gone , never to come in my Sight again ; for if one thing were not , I would have your Legs and Arms cut off .

Well , ( said he ) that were all one to me , to want both Legs and Arms , provided you and I had but one merry bout together at the brangle Buttock-game ; for here within is ( in shewing her his long Codpiece ) Master Iohn Thursday , who will play you such an Antick , that you shall feel the Sweetness thereof even to the very Marrow of your Bones : He is a Gallant , and doth so well know how to find out all the Corners , Creeks and ingrained Inmates in your carnal Trap , that after him there needs no Broom , he 'l sweep so well before , and leave nothing to his Followers to work upon . Whereunto the Lady answered , Go Villain , go , if you speak to me one such Word more , I will cry out , and make you to be knocked down with Blows . Ha , ( said he ) you are not so bad as you say , no , or else I am deceived in your Physiognomy ; for sooner shall the Earth mount up unto the Heavens , and the highest Heavens descend unto the Hells , and all the Course of Nature be quite perverted ▪ than that in so great Beauty and Neatness as in you is , there should be one Drop of Gall or Malice : They say indeed , that hardly shall a Man ever see a fair Woman that is not also stubborn ; yet that is spoke only of those vulgar Beauties , but yours is so excellent , so singular , and so heavenly , that I believe Nature hath given it you as a Paragon and Master-piece of her Art , to make us know what she can do , when she will imploy all her Skill , and all her Power . There is nothing in you but Honey , but Sugar , but a sweet and celestial Manna . To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden Apple , not to Venus , no nor to Iuno , nor to Minerva ; for never was there so much Magnificence in Iuno , so much Wisdom in Minerva , nor so much Comeliness in Venus , as there is in you .

O heavenly Gods and Goddesses ! how happy shall that Man be to whom you will grant the Favour to embrace her , to kiss her , and to rub his Bacon with hers ? by G— that shall be I , I know it well ; for she loves me already her Belly full , I am sure of it ; and so was I predestinated to it by the Fairies . And therefore that we lose no Time , put on , thrust out your Gamons : Then he would have imbraced her ; but she made as if she would put out her Head at the Window , to call her Neighbours for Help . Then Panurge on a sudden ran out , and in his running away said , Madam , stay here till I come again , I will go call them my self , do not you take so much Pains . Thus went he away , not much caring for the Repulse he had got , nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it . The next Day he came to the Church , at the Time that she went to Mass ; at the Door he gave her some of the Holy Water , bowing himself very low before her : afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly , and said unto her , Madam , know that I am so amorous of you , that I can neither piss nor dung for love : I do not know ( Lady ) what you mean , but if I should take any hurt by it , how much would you be to blame ?

Go , said she , go , I do not care , let me alone to say my Prayers . Ay but ( said he ) equivocate upon a Beaumon le viconte . I cannot , said she . It is , said he , a beau con le vit monte : and upon this pray to God to give you that which your noble Heart desireth ; and I pray you give me these Patenotres . Take them ( said she ) and trouble me no longer . This done , she would have taken off her Patenotres , which were made of a kind of yellow Stone called Cestrin , and adorned with great Spots of Gold ; but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his Knives , wherewith he cut them off very handsomly ; and whilst he was going away to carry them to the Brokers , he said to her , Will you have my Knife ? No , no , said she . But ( said he ) to the Point , I am at your Commandment , Body and Goods , Tripes and Bowels .

In the mean time the Lady was not well content with the Want of her Patinotres , for they were one of her Implements to keep her Countenance by in the Church ; then thought with her self , this bold flouting Royster is some giddy , fantastical , light-headed Fool of a strange Country ; I shall never recover my Patenotres again , what will my Husband say ? he will no doubt be angry with me ; but I will tell him that a Thief hath cut them off from my Hands in the Church , which he will easily believe , seeing the End of the Ribbon left at my Girdle . After Dinner Panurge went to see her , carrying in his Sleeve a great Purse full of Palace-crowns , ( called Counters ) and began to say unto her , Which of us two loveth other best , you me , or I you ? Whereunto she answered , As for me , I do not hate you ; for as God commands , I love all the World . But to the Point , ( said he ) are not you in love with me ? I have ( said she ) told you so many times already , that you should talk so no more to me ; and if you speak of it again , I will teach you , that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly : get you hence packing , and deliver me my Patenotres , that my Husband may not ask me for them .

How now , ( Madam ) said he , your Patenotres ? Nay , by mine Oath I will not do so , but I will give you others ; had you rather have them of Gold well enamelled in great round Knobs , or after the manner of Love-knots , or otherwise all massive , like great Ingots ; or if you had rather have them of Ebene , of Iacinth , or of grained Gold , with the Marks of fine Turkoises , or of fair Topazes , marked with fine Saphirs , or of baleu Rubies , with great Marks of Diamonds of eight and twenty Squares ? No , no , all this is too little . I know a fair Bracelet of fine Emeraulds , marked with spotted Ambergris , and at the Buckle a Persian Pearl as big as an Orange ; it will not cost above five and twenty thousand Ducats , I will make you a Present of it , for I have ready Coin enough ; and withal he made a Noise with his Counters as if they had been French Crowns .

Will you have a Piece of Velvet , either of the Violet Colour , or of Crimson died in Grain ; or a piece of broached or crimson Sattin ? Will you have Chains , Gold , Tablets , Rings ? You need no more but say , Yes ; so far as fifty thousand Ducats may reach , it is but as nothing to me . By the Virtue of which Words he made the Water come in her Mouth . But she said unto him , No , I thank you , I will have nothing of you . By G— said he , but I will have somewhat of you ; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing , neither shall you have a jot the less , when you have given it : hold , ( shewing his long Codpiece ) this is Master Iohn Goodfellow , that asks for Lodging , and with that would have imbraced her ; but she began to cry out , yet not very loud . Then Panurge put off his counterfeit Garb , changed his false Visage , and said unto her , You will not then otherways let me do a little , a Turd for you , you do not deserve so much Good , nor so much Honour : but by G— I will make the Dogs ride you , and with this he ran away as fast as he could , for fear of Blows , whereof he was naturally fearful .

CHAP. XXII . How Panurge served the Parisian Lady a Trick that pleased her not very well .

NOW you must note that the next Day was the great Festival of Corpus Christi , called the Sacre , wherein all Women put on their best Apparel ; and on that Day the said Lady was clothed in a rich Gown of Crimson-Sattin , under which she wore a very costly white Velvet Petticoat .

Now on the Vigil , Panurge searched so long of one side and another , that he found a hot or salt Bitch , which when he had tied her with his Girdle , he led to his Chamber , and fed her very well all that Day and Night ; in the Morning thereafter he killed her , and took that Part of her which the Greek Geomanciers know , and cut it into several Pieces as small as he could ; then carrying it away as close as might be , he went to the Place where the Lady was to come along to follow the Procession , as the Custom is upon the said Holy Day . And when she came in , Panurge sprinkled some holy Water on her , saluting her very courteously . Then a little while after she had said her petty Devotions , he sat down close by her upon the same Bench , and gave her this Roundlay in Writing , in manner as followeth .

A Roundlay . Lady for once , because my Case I told you , am I out of Grace ? That you should so severely call Me to be gone for Good and all , Who never had deserv'd your Frown By Word , Deed , Letter , or Lampoon . You might deny me what I sought , And not have call'd me all to nought , Because I would have had a Bout , Lady for once . It hurts you not that I complain Of my intolerable Pain ; Of bloudy Wound , and deadly Dart , Wherewith your Beauty thrills my Heart ▪ And since from thence my Torment came , O grant some little of that same , Lady for once .

And as she was opening this Paper to see what it was , Panurge very promptly and lightly scattered the Drug that he had upon her in divers Places , but especially in the Plaits of her Sleeves , and of her Gown : then said he unto her , Madam , the poor Lovers are not always at ease . As for me , I hope that those heavy Nights , those Pains and Troubles which I suffer for Love of you , shall be a Deduction to me of so much Pain in Purgatory : yet at the least pray to God to give me Patience in my Misery . Panurge had no sooner spoke this , but all the Dogs that were in the Church came running to this Lady with the Smell of the Drugs that he had strowed upon her , both small and great , big and little , all came , laying out their Member ; smelling to her , and pissing every where upon her ; it was the greatest Villany in the World .

Panurge made some Offers of driving them away ; then took his leave of her , and withdrew himself into a Chappel or Oratory of the said Church , to see the Sport ; for these villanous Dogs did compiss all her Habiliaments , and left none of her Attire unbesprinkled with their Staling , in so much that a tall Grey-hound piss'd upon her Head ; others in her Sleeves ; others on her Crupper-piece ; and the little ones pissed upon her Pattains : so that all the Women that were round about her had much ado to save her . Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing , he said to one of the Lords of the City , I believe that the same Lady is hot , or else that some Grey-hound hath covered her lately . And when he saw that all the Dogs were flocking about her , yarring at the Retardment of their Access to her , and every way keeping such a Coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud or salt Bitch ; he forthwith departed from thence , and went to call Pantagruel ; not forgetting in his way alongst all the Streets thorow which he went , where he found any Dogs , to give them a Bang with his Foot , saying , Will you not go with your Fellows to the Wedding ? Away hence , avant , avant , with a Devil avant . And being come home , he said to Pantagruel , Master , I pray you come and see all the Dogs of the Country , how they are assembled about a Lady , the fairest in the City , and would dufle and line her . Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended , and saw the Mystery , which he found very pretty and strange . But the best was at the Procession , in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen Dogs about her , which did very much trouble and molest her ; and whithersoever she pass'd , those Dogs that came afresh , tracing her Footsteps , followed her at the Heels , and piss'd in the way where her Gown had touched .

All the World stood gazing at this Spectacle , considering the Countenance of those Dogs , who leaping up got about her Neck , and spoiled all her gorgeous Accoutrements , for the which she could find no Remedy , but to retire unto her House , which was a Palace . Thither she went , and the Dogs after her ; she ran to hide her self , but the Chamber-maids could not abstain from Laughing . When she was entred into the House , and had shut the Door upon her self , all the Dogs came running , of half a League round , and did so well bepiss the Gate of her House , that there they made a Stream with their Urine , wherein a Duck might have very well swimmed , and it is the same Current that now runs at St. Victor , in which Gobelin dieth Scarlet , for the specifical Vertue of these Piss-Dogs , as our Master Doribus did heretofore preach publickly . So may God help you ; a Mill would have ground Corn with it ; yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse .

CHAP. XXIII . How Pantagruel departed from Paris , hearing News that the Dipsodes had invaded the Land of the Amaurots : and the Cause wherefore the Leagues are so short in France .

A Little while after Pantagruel heard News that his Father Gargantua had been translated into the Land of the Fairies by Morgue , as heretofore were Oger and Arthur : and that the Report of his Translation being spread abroad , the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their Borders , with Inrodes had wasted a great part of Vtopia , and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots . Whereupon departing from Paris , without bidding any Man farewel , for the Business required Diligence , he came to Rowen .

Now Pantagruel in his Journey , seeing that the Leagues of that little Territory about Paris , called France , were very short in regard of those of other Countries , demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge ; who told him a Story which Marotus du Lac Monachus set down in the Acts of the Kings of Canarre ; saying , that in old times Countries were not distinguished into Leagues , Miles , Furlongs , nor Parasanges , until that King Pharamond divided them , which was done in manner as followeth . The said King chose at Paris a hundred fair , gallant , lusty , brisk young Men , all resolute and bold Adventurers in Cupid's Duels , together with a hundred comely , pretty , handsome , lovely and well complexioned Wenches of Picardy , all which he caused to be well entertained , and highly fed for the space of eight days ; then having called for them , he delivered to every one of the young Men his Wench , with store of Money to defray their Charges , and this Injunction besides , to go unto divers Places here and there . And wheresoever they should bi●cot and thrum their Wenches , that they setting a Stone there , it should be accounted for a League . Thus went away those brave Fellows and sprightly Blades most merrily , and because they were fresh , and had been at rest , they were jumming and tumbling almost at every Field's end , and this is the Cause why the Leagues about Paris are so short . But when they had gone a great way , and were now as weary as poor Devils , all the Oil in their Lamps being almost spent , they did not chink and dufle so often , but contented themselves , ( I mean for the Mens part ) with one scurvy paultry Bout in a day . And this is that which makes the Leagues in Britany , Delanes , Germany , and other more remote Countries so long . Other Men give other Reasons for it , but this seems to me of all other the best . To which Pantagruel willingly adhered . Parting from Rowen , they arrived at Honfleur , and there took shipping , Pantagruel , Panurge , Epistemon , Eusthenes and Carpalim .

In which Place , waiting for a favourable Wind , and caulking their Ship , he received from a Lady of Paris ( that had formerly been kept by him a long time ) a Letter directed on the out-side thus :

To the best Beloved of the Fayr , And the least Loyal of the Brave . PNTGRL .

CHAP. XXIV . A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris ; together with the Exposition of a Posy , written in a Gold-Ring .

WHen Pantagruel had read the Superscription , he was much amazed , and therefore demanded of the said Messenger the Name of her that had sent it . Then opened he the Letter , and found nothing written in it , nor otherways inclosed , but only a Gold Ring , with a square Table-Diamond . Wondering at this , he called Panurge to him , and shewed him the case ; whereupon Panurge told him , that the Leaf of Paper was written upon , but with such Cunning and Artifice , that no Man could see the Writing at the first sight ; therefore to find it out , he set it by the Fire , to see if it was made with Sal Almoniack soaked in Water : then put he it into the Water , to see if the Letter was written with the Juice of Tithymalle . After that he held it up against the Candle , to see if it was written with the Juice of white Onions .

Then he rubbed one part of it with Oil of Nuts , to see if it were not written with the Lee of a Fig-tree : and another part of it with the Milk of a Woman giving Suck to her eldest Daughter , to see if it was written with the Blood of red Toads , or green Earth-frogs . Afterwards he rubbed one Corner with the Ashes of a Swallow's Nest , to see if it were not written with the Dew that is found within the Herb Alcakengy , called the Winter-cherry . He rubbed after that one end with Ear-wax , to see if it were not written with the Gall of a Raven . Then did he dip it into Vineger , to try if it was not written with the Juice of the Garden Spurge . After that he greased it with the Fat of a Bat or Flittermouse , to see if it was not written with the Sperm of a Whale , which some call Ambergris . Then put it very fairly into a Basin full of fresh Water , and forthwith took it out , to see whether it were written with Stone-allum . But after all Experiments , when he perceived that he could find out nothing , he called the Messenger , and asked him , Good Fellow , the Lady that sent thee hither , did she not give thee a Staff to bring with thee ? thinking that it had been according to the Conceit , whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention ; and the Messenger answered him , No , Sir . Then Panurge would have caused his Head to be shaven , to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald Pate , with the hard Lee whereof Sope is made , that which she meant ; but perceiving that his Hair was very long , he forbore , considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time .

Then he said to Pantagruel , Master , by the Virtue of G — I cannot tell what to do nor say in it . For to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no , I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto , the Tuscan sets down , who hath written the Manner of reading Letters that do not appear . That which Zoroastes published , Peri grammaton acriton . And Calphurnius Bassus de literis illigibilibus . But I can see nothing , nor do I believe that there is any thing else in it than the Ring . Let us therefore look upon it ; which when they had done , they found this in Hebrew written within , Lamach sabathani ; whereupon they called Epistemon , and asked him what that meant ? to which he answered , that they were Hebrew Words , signifying , Wherefore hast thou forsaken me ? Upon that Panurge suddenly replied , I know the Mystery , do you see this Diamond ? it is a false one . This then is the Exposition of that which the Lady means , Diamant faux ; that is , false Lover , why hast thou forsaken me ? Which Interpretation Pantagruel presently understood , and withal remembering , that at his Departure he had not bid the Lady farewel ; he was very sorry , and would fain have returned to Paris , to make his Peace with her . But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's Departure from Dido , and the Saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum , That the Ship being at anchor when need requireth , we must cut the Cable rather than lose time about untying of it . And that he should lay aside all other Thoughts to succour the City of his Nativity , which was then in danger . And indeed within an Hour after that , the Wind arose at the North North-west ; wherewith they hoised Sail , and put out , even into the main Sea ; so that within few Days , passing by Porto Sancto , and by the Maderas , they went Ashore in the Canary Islands : Parting from thence , they passed by Capobianco , by Senege , by Capoverde , by Gambre , by Sagres , by Melli , by the Cap di buona Speranza , and set ashore again in the Kingdom of Melinda : parting from thence , they sailed away with a Tramoutan or Northerly Wind , passing by Meden , by Vti , by Vden , by Gelasim , by the Isles of the Fairies , and alongst the Kingdom of Achory , till at last they arrived at the Port of Vtopia , distant from the City of the Amaurots three Leagues and somewhat more .

When they were ashore , and pretty well refreshed , Pantagruel said , Gentlemen , the City is not far from hence , therefore were it not amiss before we set forward , to advise well what is to be done , that we be not like the Athenians , who never took Counsel until after the Fact : Are you resolved to live and die with me ? Yes , Sir , said they all , and be as confident of us , as of your own Fingers . Well , ( said he ) there is but one thing that keeps my Mind in great doubt and suspense , which is this , that I know not in what Order nor of what Number the Enemy is , that layeth siege to the City ; for if I were certain of that , I should go forward , and set on with the better assurance . Let us therefore consult together , and bethink our selves by what means we may come to this Intelligence . Whereunto they all said , Let us go thither and see , and stay you here for us ; for this very Day , without further respite , do we make account to bring you a certain Report thereof .

My self ( said Panurge ) will undertake to enter into their Camp , within the very midst of their Guards , unespied by their Watch , and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost , without being known of any , to see the Artillery and the Tents of all the Captains , and thrust my self in with a grave and magnifick Carriage , amongst all their Troops and Companies , without being discovered , the Devil would not be able to peck me out with all his Circumventions : for I am of the Race of Zopyrus .

And I ( said Epistemon ) know all the Plots and Stratagems of the valiant Captains , and warlike Champions of former Ages , together with all the Tricks and Subtilties of the Art of War . I will go , and though I be detected and revealed , I will escape , by making them believe of you whatever I please ; for I am of the Race of Sinon .

I ( said Eusthenes ) will enter and set upon them in their Trenches , in spight of their Sentries , and all their Guards ; for I will tread upon their Bellies , and break their Legs and Arms , yea though they were every whit as strong as the Devil himself ; for I am of the Race of Hercules .

And I ( said Carpalin ) will get in there , if the Birds can enter ; for I am so nimble of Body , and light withal , that I shall have leaped over their Trenches , and ran clean through all their Camp , before that they perceive me : neither do I fear Shot , nor Arrow , nor Horse , how swift soever , were he the Pegasus of Persee , or ●acolet , being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt . I will undertake to walk upon the Ears of Corn , or Grass in the Meadows , without making either of them do so much as bow under me ; for I am of the Race of Camilla the Amazone .

CHAP XXV . How Panurge , Carpalin , Eusthenes and Epistemon , ( the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel ) vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore Horse-men very cunningly .

AS he was speaking this , they perceived six hundred and threescore light Horse-men , gallantly mounted , who came to discover what Ship and Company it was that was newly arrived in the Harbour ; and came in a full Gallop to take them if they had been able . Then said Pantagruel , my Lads , retire your selves unto the Ship , here are some of our Enemies coming apace , but I will kill them here before you like Beasts , although they were ten times so many ; in the mean time withdraw your selves , and take your sport at it . Then answered Panurge , No , Sir , there is no reason that you should do so ; but on the contrary , retire you unto the Ship , both you and the rest ; for I alone will here discomfit them , but we must not linger , come , set forward . Whereunto the others said , It is well advised ; Sir , withdraw your self , and we will help Panurge here , so shall you know what we are able to do . Then said Pantagruel , Well , I am content , but if that you be too weak , I will not fail to come to your assistance .

With this Panurge took two great Cables of the Ship , and tied them to the Capstane which was on the Deck towards the Hatches , and fastned them in the Ground , making a long Circuit , the one further off , the other within that . Then said he to Epistemon , Go aboard the Ship , and when I give you a Call , turn about the Capstane upon the Orlop diligently , drawing unto you the two Cable-robes . And said to Eusthenes , and to Carpalin , My Bullies , stay you here , and offer your selves freely to your Enemies , do as they bid you , and make as if you would yield unto them : but take heed you come not within the Compass of the Ropes ; be sure to keep your selves free of them . And presently he went aboard the Ship , and took a Bundle of Straw , and a Barrel of Gun-powder , strewed it round about the Compass of the Cords , and stood by with a Brand of Fire or Match lighted in his Hand . Presently came the Horse-men with great Fury , and the foremost ran almost home to the Ship ; and by reason of the Slipperiness of the Bank , they fell they and their Horses , to the number of four and fourty ; which the rest seeing , came on , thinking that Resistance had been made them at their arrival . But Panurge said unto them , My Masters , I believe that you have hurt your selves ; I pray you pardon us , for it is not our Fault , but the Slipperiness of the Sea-water that is always flowing : we submit our selves to your good pleasure : So said likewise his two other Fellows , and Epistemon that was upon the Deck . In the mean time , Panurge withdrew himself , and seeing that they were all within the Compass of the Cables , and that his two Companions were retired , making room for all those Horses which came in a Croud , thronging upon the Neck of one another to see the Ship , and such as were in it , cried out on a sudden to Epistemon , Draw , draw . Then began Epistemon to wind about the Capstane , by doing whereof the two Cables so intangled and impestered the Legs of the Horses , that they were all of them thrown down to the Ground easily , together with their Riders . But they seeing that , drew their Swords , and would have cut them . Whereupon Panurge set Fire to the Train , and there burnt them up all like damned Souls , both Men and Horses , not one escaping save one alone ; who being mounted on a fleet Turky Courser , by meer speed in Flight got himself out of the Circle of the Ropes . But when Carpalin perceived him , he ran after him with such Nimbleness and Celerity , that he overtook him in less than a hundred Paces ; than leaping close behind him upon the Crupper of his Horse , clasped him in his Arms , and brought him back to the Ship .

This Exploit being ended , Pantagruel was very jovial , and wondrously commended the Industry of these Gentlemen , whom he called his Fellow-Souldiers , and made them refresh themselves , and feed well and merrily upon the Sea-shore , and drink heartily with their Bellies upon the Ground , and their Prisoner with them , whom they admitted to that Familiarity ; only that the poor Devil was not well assured but that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole ; which , considering the Wideness of his Mouth , and Capacity of his Throat , was no great matter for him to have done ; for he could have done it , as easily as you would eat a small Comfit , he shewing no more in his Throat than would a Grain of Millet-Seed in the Mouth of an Ass.

CHAP. XXVI . How Pantagruel and his Company were weary in eating still salt Meats : and how Carpalin went a hunting to have some Venison .

THus as they talked and chatted together , Carpalin said , And by the Belly of St. Quenet , shall we never eat any Venison ? this salt Meat makes me horribly dry . I will go fetch you a Quarter of one of those Horses which we have burnt , it is well roasted already . As he was rising up to go about it , he perceived under the side of a Wood a fair great Roe-Buck , which was come out of his Fort ( as I conceive ) at the sight of Panurge's fire . Him did he pursue and run after with as much Vigour and Swiftness as if it had been a Bolt out of a Cross-bow , and caught him in a moment ; and whilst he was in his Course , he with his Hands took in the Air four great Bustards , seven Bitterns , six and twenty gray Partridges , two and thirty red legged Ones , sixteen Pheasants , nine Woodcocks , nineteen Herons , two and thirty Coushots and Ring-Doves : and with his Feet killed ten or twelve Hares and Rabbets , which were then at relief , and pretty big withal . Eighteen Rayles in a knot together , with fifteen young wild Boars , two little Bevers , and three great Foxes . So striking the Kid with his Fauchion athwart the Head , he killed him , and bearing him on his Back , he in his return took up his Hares , Rayls , and young wild Boa●s , and as far off as he could be heard , cried out , and said , Panurge , my Friend , Vineger , Vineger . Then the good Pantagruel , thinking he had fainted , commanded them to provide him some Vineger . But Panurge knew well that there was some good Prey in hands , and forthwith shewed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his Back a fair Roe-Buck , and all his Girdle bordered with Hares ; then immediately did Epistemon make in the name of the nine Muses , nine antick wooden Spits . Eusthenes did help to flay , and Panurge placed two great Cuirasier Saddles in such sort , that they served for Andirons ; and making their Prisoner to be their Cook , they roasted their Venison by the Fire , wherein the Horsemen were burnt . And making great C●ear , with a good deal of Vineger , the Devil a one of them did forbear from his Victuals ; it was a triumphant and incomparable Spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured . Then said Pantagruel , Would to God every one of you had two Pairs of Sacring Bells hanging at your Chin , and that I had at mine the great Clocks of Ren●s , of Poit●ers , of Tours , and of Cambray , to see what a Peal they would ●ing with the Wagging of our Chaps .

But , said Panurge , it were better we thought a little upon our business , and by what means we might get the upper hand of our Enemies· That is well remembred , said Pantagruel ; therefore spoke he thus to the Prisoner , My Friend , tell us here the truth , and do not lie to us at all , if thou wouldest not be slayed alive , for it is I that eat the little Children : relate unto us at full , the Order , the Number , and the Strength of the Army . To which the Prisoner answered , Sir , know for a truth that in the Army there are three hundred Giants , all armed with Armour of proof , and wonderful great : nevertheless , not fully so great as you , except one that is their head , named Loup-garou , who is armed from Head to Foot with Cyclopical Annvils . Furthermore , one hundred threescore and three thousand Foot , all armed with the Skins of Hobgoblins , strong and valiant Men ; eleven thousand four hundred Cuirasiers ; three thousand six hundred double Canons , and Harque-busiers without number ; fourscore and fourteen thousand Pioneers : one hundred and fifty thousand Whores ▪ fair like Goddesses , ( that is for me , said Panurge . ) Whereof some are Amazons , some Lionnoises , others Parisiennes , Taurangelles , Angevines ▪ Poictevines , Normands , and high Dutch ; there are of them of all Countrys and all Languages .

Yea , but ( said Pantagruel ) is the King there ? Yes , Sir , ( said the Prisoner ) he is there in Person , and we call him Anarchus , King of the Dipsodes ; which is as much to say , as thirsty People ; for you never saw Men more thirsty , nor more willing to drink ; and his Tent is guarded by the Giants . It is enough , ( said Pantagruel ) come brave Boys , are you resolved to go with me ? To which Panurge answered , God confound him that leaves you . I have already bethought my self how I will kill them all like Pigs , and so that the Devil one Leg of them shall escape . But I am somewhat troubled about one thing . And what is that ? said Pantagruel : It is ( said Panurge ) how I shall be able to set forward to the jusling and bragmardising of all the Whores that be there this Afternoon , in such sort , that there escape not one unbumped by me ; breasted and jum'd after the ordinary Fashion of Man and Women . Ha , ha , ha , ha , said Pantagruel .

And Carpalin said , The Devil take these Sink-holes , if by G— I do not bumbast some one of them .

And I , ( said Eusthenes ) what d' ye make of me ? who since we came from Rowen have never been wound up that my Needle could mount above to ten or eleven a Clock , now stiff and strong , like a hundred Devils ? Truly , ( said Panurge ) thou shalt have of the fattest , and of those that are most plump , and in the case .

How now , ( said Epistemon ) every one shall ride , and I must lead the Ass ? the Devil take him that will do so . We will make use of the right of War , Qui potest capere , capiat . No , no , said Panurge , but tie thine Ass to a Crook , and ride as the World doth . And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this , and said unto them , You reckon without your Host. I am much afraid , that before it be Night I shall see you in such taking , that you will have no great stomach to ride ▪ but more like to be rode upon , with sound Blows of Pike and Lance.

Enough of that , said Epistemon , I will not fall to bring them to you , either to rost or boil , to fry or put in Paste . They are not so many in number as were in the Army of Xerxes ; for he had thirty hundred thousand sighting Men , if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus Pompeius ; and yet Themistocles with a few Men overthrew them all . For God's sake take you no care for that . Cobsminnie , Cobsminnie , ( said Panurge ) my Cod-piece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the Men : and St. Sweephole that dwells within it , shall lay all the Women squat upon their Backs . Up then my Lads ( said Pantagruel ) and let us march along .

CHAP. XXVII . How Pantagruel set up one Trophee in memorial of their Valour , and Panurge another in remembrance of the Hares . How Pantagruel likewise with his Farts begat little Men , and with his Fisgs little Women . And how Panurge broke a great Staff over two Glasses .

BEfore we depart hence , ( said Pantagruel ) in remembrance of the Exploit that you have now performed , I will in this Place erect a fair Trophee . Then every Man amongst them with great Joy , and fine little Country-Songs , set up a huge big Post ; whereunto they hanged a great Cuirasier Saddle , the Fronstal of a barbed Horse , Bridle-bosses , Pully-pieces for the Knees , Stirrup-leathers , Spurs , Stirrups , a Coat of Male , a Corslet tempered with Steel , a Battel-axe , a strong , short , and sharp Horseman's Sword ; a Gantlet , a Horseman's Mace , Gushet-armour for the Arms-pits , Leg-harness , and a Gorget , with all other Furniture needful for a triumphant Arch , or Trophee . And then Pantagruel for an eternal Memorial , wrote this victorial Ditton , as followeth : Here four bold Champions had a Rubbers With sixty , and six hundred Lubbers ; Destroy'd 'em all , yet when they fought 'em , Had not their Arms , but Wits about 'em : So play'd the Skoundrels such a Trick , Old Scipio never knew the like . Learn hence , Kings , Dukes , all , great and little ; 'T is Wit , not Strength , that wins the Battle . For Victorie , As all agree , Hangs on the Beck Of Pow'rs above , Who surely move The Proud to check . The Strong are baffl'd , without question , Or doubt of any that 's a Christian. And he ( 't is only he ) can have it , Who has the Grace , and Faith to crave it .

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid Verses , Panurge halved , and fixed upon a great Stake , the Horns of a Roe-buck , together with the Skin , and the right Fore●oot thereof ; the Ears of three Levrets , the Chine of a Coney , the Jaws of a Hare , the Wings of two Bustards , the Feet of four Queest-doves , a Bottle full of Vineger , a Horn wherein to put Salt , a wooden Spit , a larding Stick , a scurvy Kettle full of Holes , a dripping Pan , a Skillet to make Sauce in , an earthen Salt-cellar , and a Goblet of Beauvais . Then in Imitation of Pantagruel's Verses and Trophee , wrote that which followeth : Here four brave Topers sitting on their Bums , With Flaggons , nobler Noise than Drums , Carows'd it , bows'd it , toss'd the Liquor , Each seem'd a Bacchus-Priest , or Vicar : Hares , Coneys , Bustards , Pigs were brought 'em , With Jugs and Pipkins strew'd about 'em ; For Trophee-Spoils to each good Fellow . That is hereafter to be Mellow . In every Creed , 'T is on all hands agreed , And plainly confest ; When the Weather is hot , That we stick to the Pot , And drink o' the best . First note , that in your Bill of Fare , Sawce be provided for the Rare . But Vinegar the most extol ; 'T is of an Hare the very Soul .

Then ( said Pantagruel ) , Come , my Lads , let us be gone , we have stayed here too long about our Victuals ; for very seldom doth it fall out , that the greatest Eaters do the most Martial Exploits . There is no Shadow like that of flying Colours , no Smoke like that of Horses , no Clattering like that of Armour . At this Epistemon began to smile , and said , There is no Shadow like that of the Kitchin , no Smoke like that of Pasties , and no Clattering like that of Goblets . Unto which answered Panurge , There is no Shadow like that of Courtains , no Smoke like that of Womens Breasts , and no Clattering like that of Ballocks : then forthwith rising up he gave a Fart , a Leap , and a Whistle , and most joyfully cried out aloud , Ever live , Pantagruel . When Pantagruel saw that , he would have done as much ; but with the Fart that he let , the Earth trembled nine Leagues about ; wherewith , and with the corrupted Air , he begot above three and fifty thousand little Men , ill favoured Dwarfs ; and with one Fisg that he let , he made as many little Women , crouching down , as you shall see in divers places , which never grow but like Cows Tails downwards , or like the Limosin Radishes , round . How now , ( said Panurge ) are your Farts so fertil ? by G— here be brave farted Men , and fisgued Women ; let them be married together , they will beget fine Hornets and Dorflies . So did Pantagruel , and called them Pigmies . Those he sent to live in an Island thereby , where since that time they are increased mightily : but the Cranes make War with them continually , against which they do most couragiously defend themselves ; for these little Ends of Men and Dandiprats , ( whom in Scotland they call Whiphandles , and Knots of a Tar-barrel ) are commonly very teasty and cholerick . The Physical Reason whereof , is , because their Heart is near their Turd .

At this same time , Panurge took two drinking Glasses that were there , both of one bigness , and filled them with Water up to the brim , and set one of them upon one Stool , and the other upon another , placing them above five Foot from one another : then he took the Staff of a Javelin , about five Foot and a half long , and put it upon the two Glasses , so that the two ends of the Staff did come just to the Brims of the Glasses . This done , he took a great Stake , and said to Pantagruel , and to the rest ; My Masters , behold , how easily we shall have the Victory over our Enemies ; for just as I shall break this Staff here upon these Glasses , with●out either breaking or crazing of them ; nay , which is more , without spilling one drop of the Water that is within them , even so shall we break the Heads of our Dipsodes , without receiving any of us any Wound or Loss in our Person or Goods . But that you may not think there is any Witchcraft in this , hold ( said he to Eusthenes ) strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this Log. Eusthenes did so , and the Staff broke in two pieces , and not one drop of the Water fell out of the Glasses . Then said he , I know a great many such other Tricks , let us now therefore march boldly .

CHAP. XXVIII . How Pantagruel got the Victory very strangely over the Dipsodes , and the Giants

AFter all this Talk Pantagruel took the Prisoner to him , and sent him away , saying , Go thou unto thy King in his Camp , and tell him Tidings of what thou hast seen , and let him resolve to feast me to Morrow about Noon ; for as soon as my Galleys shall come , which will be to Morrow at farthest , I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred Thousand fighting Men , and seven thousand Giants , all of them greater than I am ; that he hath done foolishly and against Reason , thus to invade my Country : wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an Army at Sea . But the Prisoner answered , That he would yield himself to be his Slave ; and that he was content never to return to his own People , but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them ; and for God's sake besought him , that he might be permitted so to do . Whereunto Pantagruel would not give Consent , but commanded him to depart thence speedily , and be gone , as he had told him , and to that Effect gave him a Box full of Euphorbium , together with some Grains of the black Chameleon Thistle , steeped in Aqua vitae , and made up into the Condiment of a wet Sucket , commanding him to carry it to his King , and to say unto him , that if he were able to eat one Ounce of that without drinking after it , he might then be able to resist him , without any Fear or Apprehension of Danger .

The Prisoner then besought him with joint Hands , that in the Hour of the Battel he would have Compassion upon him . Whereat Pantagruel said unto him , After that thou hast delivered all unto the King , put thy whole Confidence in God , and he will not forsake thee : Because , although for my Part I be mighty , as thou mayst see , and have an infinite Number of Men in Arms , I do nevertheless trust neither in my Force nor in mine Industry , but all my Confidence is in God my Protector , who doth never forsake those that in him do put their Trust and Confidence . This done , the Prisoner requested him that he would be contented with some reasonable Composition for his Ransom . To which Pantagruel answered , that his End was not to rob nor ransom Men , but to enrich them , and reduce them to total Liberty : Go thy way ( said he ) in the Peace of the living God , and never follow evil Company , lest some Mischief befal thee . The Prisoner being gone , Pantagruel said to his Men , Gentlemen , I have made this Prisoner believe that we have an Army at Sea , as also that we will not assault them till to Morrow at Noon , to the end , that they doubting of the great Arrival of our Men , may spend this Night in providing and strengthning themselves ; but in the mean time my Intention is , that we charge them about the Hour of the first Sleep .

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his Apostles , and speak of King Anarchus and his Army . When the Prisoner was come , he went unto the King , and told him how there was a great Giant come , called Pantagruel , who had overthrown , and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and fifty nine Horsemen , and he alone escaped to bring the News . Besides that , he was charged by the said Giant to tell him , that the next Day about Noon he must make a Dinner ready for him , for at that Hour he was resolved to set upon him . Then did he give him that Box wherein were those Confitures ; but as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them , he was taken with such a Heat in the Throat , together with an Ulceration in the Flap of the Top of the Wind-pipe , that his Tongue peel'd with it in such Sort , that for all they could do unto him , he found no Ease at all , but by drinking only without Cessation : for as soon as ever he took the Goblet from his Head , his Tongue was on a Fire ; and therefore they did nothing but still pour in Wine into his Throat with a Funnel .

Which when his Captains , Bashaws , and Guard of his Body did see , they tasted of the same Drugs , to try whether on them they would have the same Operation or no : but it so befel them as it had done their King ; and they plied the Flagon so well , that the Noise ran throughout all the Camp , how the Prisoner was returned ; that the next Day they were to have an Assault ; that the King and his Captains did already prepare themselves for it , together with his Guards , and that with carowsing lustily , and quaffing as hard as they could . Every Man therefore in the Army began to tipple , ply the Pot , swill and guzzle , till in fine they fell asleep like Pigs , all out of Order throughout the whole Camp .

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel , and relate how he carried himself in this Business . Departing from the Place of the Trophies , he took the Mast of their Ship in his Hand like a Pilgrim's Staff , and put within the Top of it two hundred and thirty seven Punchions of White-wine of Anjou , the rest was of Rowen ; and tied up to his Girdle the Bark all full of Salt , as easily as the Lanskennets carry their little Panniers ; and so set onward on his way with his Fellow-souldiers . When he was come near to the Enemies Camp , Panurge said unto him , Sir , if you would do well , let down this White-wine of Anjou from the Scuttle of the Mast of the Ship , that we may all drink thereof , like Britains .

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented , and they drank so neat , that there was not so much as one poor Drop left of two hundred and thirty seven Punchions , except one leathern Bottle of Tours , which Panurge filled for himself , ( for he called that his Vade mecum ) and some scurvy Lees of Wine in the bottom , which served him in stead of Vinegar . After they had whitled and curried the Can pretty handsomly , Panurge gave Pantagruel to eat some devilish Drugs , compounded of Lithotripton , Nephrocatarticon , the Marmalade of Quinces , with Cantharides , and other Diureticks . This done , Pantagruel said to Carpalin , Go into the City , scrambling like a Cat up against the Wall , as you can well do , and tell them that now presently they come out , and charge their Enemies as rudely as they can ; and having said so , come down , taking a lighted Torch with you , wherewith you shall set on fire all the Tents and Pavilions in the Camp ; then cry as loud as you are able with your great Voice , and then come away from thence . Yea but , said Carpalin , were it not good to nail all their Ordnance ? No , no , ( said Pantagruel ) only blow up all their Powder . Carpalin obeying him , departed suddenly , and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel ; and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City : And when he had set fire in the Tents and Pavilions , he pass'd so lightly through them , and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep , that they never perceived him . He came to the Place where their Artillery was , and set their Munition on fire ; but here was the Danger , the Fire was so sudden , that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt ▪ and had it not been for his wonderful Agility , he had been fried like a roasting Pig ; but he departed away so speedily , that a Bolt or Arrow out of a Crossbow could not have had a swifter Motion . When he was clear of their Trenches , he shouted aloud , and cried out so dreadfully , and with such Amazement to the Hearers , that it seemed all the Devils of Hell had been let loose . At which Noise the Enemies awaked , but can you tell how ? even no less astonished than are Monks at the ringing of the first Peal to Matins , which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock .

In the mean time Pantagruel began to sow the Salt that he had in his Bark , and because they slept with an open gaping Mouth , he filled all their Throats with it , so that those poor Wretches were by it made to cough like Foxes . Ha , Pantagruel , how thou addest greater Heat to the Firebrand that is in us . Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss , by Means of the Drugs which Panurge had given him , and piss'd amidst the Camp so well and so copiously , that he drowned them all , and there was a particular Deluge ten Leagues round about ; the History saith , if his Father's great Mare had been there , and piss'd likewise , it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous Deluge than that of Deucalion ; for she did never piss but she made a River , greater than is either the Rhosne or the Danube ; which those that were come out of the City , seeing , said , They are all cruelly slain , see how the Blood runs along : but they were deceived , in thinking Pantagruel's Urine had been the Blood of their Enemies ; for they could not see but by the Light of the Fire of the Pavilions , and some small Light of the Moon .

The Enemies after that they were awaked , seeing on one side the Fire in the Camp , and on the other the Inundation of the urinal Deluge , could not tell what to say , nor what to think : Some said , that it was the End of the World , and the final Judgment , which ought to be by Fire . Others again thought , that the Sea-Gods , Neptune , Protheus , Triton , and the rest of them , did persecute them , for that indeed they found it to be like Sea-water and Salt .

O who were able now condignly ●o relate how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants : O my Muse , my Calliope , my Thalia , inspire me at this time , restore unto me my Spirits , for this is the Logical Bridg of Asses ; here is the Pit●al , here is the Difficulty , to have Ability enough to express the horrible Battel that was fought : Ah , would to God that I had now a Bottle of the best Wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical History .

CHAP. XXIX . How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone , and Loupgarou their Captain .

THE Giants seeing all their Camp drowned , carried away their King Anarchus upon their Backs , as well as they could out of the Fort , as Aenea● did to his Father Anchises , in the time of the Conflagration of Troy . When Panurge perceived them , he said to Pantagruel , Sir ▪ yonder are the Giants coming forth against you , lay on them with your Mast gallantly , like an old Fencer ; for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave and an honest Man : And for our part we will not fail you ; I my self will kill to you a good many boldly enough ; for why , David killed Goliah very easily ; and then this great Lecher Eusthenes , who is stronger than four Oxen , will not spare himself : Be of good Courage therefore , and valiant ; charge amongst them with Point and Edg , and by all manner of Means . Well , ( said Pantagruel ) of Courage I have more than for fifty Franks ; but let us be wise ▪ for Hercules never undertook against two that is well cack'd , well scummered : ( said Panurge ) do you compare your self with Hercules ? You have by G— more Strength in your Teeth , and more Scent in your Burn , than ever Hercules had in all his Body and Soul : so much is a Man worth as he esteems himself . Whilst they spake those Words , behold Loupgarou was come with all his Giants , who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone , was carried away with Temerity and Presumption , for Hopes that he had to kill the good Man : whereupon he said to his Companions the Giants , You Wenchers of the Low-countrey , by Mahoon , if any of you undertake to fight against these Men here , I will put you cruelly to Death : It is my Will that you let me fight single ; in the mean time you shall have good Sport to look upon us . Then all the other Giants retired with their King to the Place where the Flagons stood , and Panurge and his Camerades with them , who counterfeited those that have had the Pox , for he wreathed about his Mouth , shrunk up his Fingers , and with a harsh and hoarse Voice said unto them , I forsake — od ( Fellow-souldiers ) if I would have it to be believed , that we make any War at all ; give us somewhat to eat with you , whilst our Masters fight against one another . To this the King and Giants jointly condescended , and accordingly made them to banquet with them .

In the mean time Panurge told them the Follies of Turpin , the Examples of St. Nicholas , and the Tale of a Tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel , with a Mace all of Steel , and that of the best sort , weighing nine thousand seven hundred Kintals , and two Quarterons , at the End whereof were thirteen pointed Diamonds , the least whereof was as big as the greatest Bell of our Ladies Church at Paris , ( there might want perhaps the Thickness of a Nail , or ( at most that I may not lie ) of the Back of those Knives which they call Cut-lugs , but for a little off or on , more or less , it is no Matter ) and it was inchanted in such sort , that it could never break , but contrarily all that it did touch did break immediately . Thus then as he appoached with great Fierceness and Pride of Heart , Pantagruel casting up his Eyes to Heaven , recommended himself to God with all his Soul , making such a Vow as followeth ;

O thou Lord God , who hast always been my Protector and my Saviour , thou seest the Distress wherein I am at this Time : Nothing brings me hither but a natural Zeal , which thou hast permitted unto Mortals ; to keep and defend themselves , their Wives and Children , Country and Family , in case thy own proper Cause were not in question , which is the Faith ; for in such a Business thou wilt have no Coadjutors , only a Catholick Confession and Service of thy Word , and hast forbidden us all Arming and Defence : for thou art the Almighty , who in thine own Cause , and where thine own Business is taken to Heart , canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive ; thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of Millions of Legions of Angels , the least of which is able to kill all mortal Men , and turn about the Heavens and Earth at his Pleasure , as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the Army of Sennacherib . If it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me , as my whole Trust and Confidence is in thee alone , I vow unto thee , that in all Countries whatsoever , wherein I shall have any Power or Authority , whether in this of Vtopia , or elsewhere , I will cause thy holy Gospel to be purely , simply and entirely preached ; so that the Abuses of a Rabble of Hypocrites and false Prophets , who by humane Constitutions and depraved Inventions have impoisoned all the World , shall be quite exterminated from about me . This Vow was no sooner made , but there was heard a Voice from Heaven , saying , Hoc f●c , & vinces ; that is to say , Do this , and thou shalt overcome .

Then Pantagruel seeing that Loupgarou with his Mouth wide open was drawing near to him , went against him boldly , and cried out as loud as he was able , Thou diest , Villain , thou diest ; purposing by his horrible Cry to make him afraid , according to the Discipline of the Lacedemonians . Withal , he immediately cast at him out of his Bark which he wore at his Girdle , eighteen Cags , and four Bushels of Salt , wherewith he filled both his Mouth , Throat , Nose and Eyes . At this Loupgarou was so highly incensed , that most fiercely setting upon him , he thought even then with a Blow of his Mace to have beat out his Brains : but Pantagruel was very nimble , and had always a quick Foot and a quick Eye , and therefore with his left Foot did he step back one Pace , yet not so nimbly , but that the Blow falling upon the Bark , broke it in four thousand fourscore and six Pieces , and threw all the rest of the Salt about the Ground . Pantagruel seeing that , most gallantly displayed the Vigour of his Arms , and according to the Art of the Axe , gave him with the great End of his Mast a home-thrust a little above the Breast ; then bringing along the Blow to the left side with a Slash , struck him between the Neck and Shoulders : After that , advancing his right Foot , he gave him a Push upon the Couillons , with the upper End of his said Mast , wherewith breaking the Scuttle , on the Top thereof he spilt three or four Punchions of Wine that were left therein .

Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his Bladder , and that the Wine that came forth had been his Urine : Pantagruel being not content with this , would have doubled it by a side-blow ; but Loupgarou lifting up his Mace , advanced one Step upon him , and with all his Force would have dash'd it upon Pantagruel , wherein ( to speak the Truth ) he so sprightfully carried himself , that if God had not succoured the good Pantagruel , he had been cloven from the top of his Head to the bottom of his Milt ; but the Blow glanced to the right side by the brisk Nimbleness of Pantagruel , and his Mace sank into the Ground above threescore and thirteen Foot , through a huge Rock , out of which the Fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six Tuns . Pantagruel seeing him busy about plucking out his Mace , which stuck in the Ground between the Rocks , ran upon him , and would have clean cut off his Head , if by Mischance his Mast had not touched a little against the Stock of Loupgarou's Mace , which was inchanted , as we have said before : by this means his Mast broke off about three-handfuls above his Hands , whereat he stood amazed like a Bell-founder , and cried out , Ah Panurge , where art thou ? Panurge seeing that , said to the King and the Giants , By G — they will hurt one another if they be not parted ; but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a Wedding : Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master , but one of the Giants said unto him , By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon , if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bottom of my Breeches instead of a Suppository , which cannot chuse but do me good ; for in my Belly I am very costive , and cannot well cagar without gnashing my Teeth , and making many filthy Faces .

Then Pantagruel , thus destitute of a Staff , took up the End of his Mast , striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant , but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a Filip upon a Smith's Anvil . In the time Loupgarou was drawing his Mace out of the Ground , and having already plucked it out , was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel , who being very quick in turning , avoided all his Blows in taking only the defensive Part in hand , until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these Words , saying , Now , Villain , will no● I fail to chop thee a● small as minced Meat , and keep thee henceforth from ●ver making any more poor Men athirst . Then without any more ado Pantagruel struck him such a Blow with his Foot against the Belly , that he made him fall backwards , his Heels over his Head , and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot . Then Loupgarou cried out , bleeding at the Throat , Mahoon , Mahoon , Mahoon , at which Noise all the Giants arose to succour him ; but Panurge said unto them , Gentlemen , do not go , if you will believe me , for our Master is mad , and strikes athwart and alongst , he cares not where , he will do you a Mischief ; but the Giants made no Account of it , seeing that Pantagruel had never a Staff .

And when Pantagruel saw those Giants approach very near unto him , he took Loupgarou by the two Feet , and lift up his Body like a Pike in the Air , wherewith ( it being harnished with Anvils ) he laid such heavy load amongst those Giants , armed with Free-stone , that striking them down as a Mason doth little Knobs of Stones , there was not one of them that stood before him , whom he threw not flat to the Ground ; and by the breaking of this stony Armour there was made such a horrible Rumble , as put me in mind of the Fall of the Butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourge , when it melted before the Sun . Panurge , with Carpalin and Eusthenes , did cut in the mean time the Throats ●f those that were struck down ; in such sort , that there escaped not one . Pantagruel to any Man's sight was like a Mower , who with his Sithe , which was Loupgarou , cut down the Meddow Grass , to wit the Giants . But with this fencing of Pantagruel's , Loupgarou lost his Head , which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose Name was Riflandouille , who was armed cap-a-pe with Grison-stones , one Chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Epistemon's Neck clean and fair . For otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy Brittle-stone , and the rest with Slaits . At last , when he saw that they were all dead , he threw the Body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the City , where falling like a Frog upon his Belly , in the great Piazza , he with the fall killed a singed He-cat , a wet She-cat , a farting Duck , and a brideled Goose.

CHAP. XXX . How Epistemon , who had his Head cut off , was finely healed by Panurge ; and of the News which he brought from the Devils , and damned People in Hell .

THis Gigantal Victory being ended , Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place of the Flagons , and called for Panurge and the rest , who came unto him safe and sound , except Eusthenes , ( whom one of the Giants had scratched a little in the Face , whilst he was about the cutting of his Throat ) and Epistemon , who appeared not at all . Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself . But Panurge said unto him , Nay , Sir , stay a while , and we will search for him amongst the Dead , and find out the truth of all . Thus as they went seeking after him , they found him stark dead , with his Head between his Arms all bloody . Then Eusthenes cried out , Ah cruel Death ! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst Men ? At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest Grief that ever any Man did see , and said to Panurge , Ha , my Friend , the Prophecy of your two Glasses , and the Javelin Staff was a great deal too deceitful . But Panurge answered , My dear Bullies all , weep not one drop more ; for he being yet all hot , I will make him as sound as ever he was . In saying this , he took the Head , and held it warm fore-gainst his Cod-piece , that the Wind might not enter into it . Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the Body to the place where they had banqueted , not out of any hope that ever he would recover , but that Pantagruel might see it .

Nevertheless , Panurge gave him very good comfort , saying , If I do not heal him , I will be content to lose my Head , ( which is a Fool 's Wager ) leave off therefore crying , and help me . Then cleansed he his Neck very well with pure White-wine ; and after that , took his Head , and into it synapised some Powder of Diamerdis , which he always carried about him in one of his Bags . Afterwards , he anointed it with I know not what Ointment , and set it on very just , Vein against Vein , Sinew against Sinew , and Spondyle against Spondyle , that he might not be Wry-necked , ( for such People he mortally hated ) ; this done , he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen Stitches with a Needle , that it might not fall off again ; then on all sides , and every where , he put a little Ointment on it , which he called Resuscitative .

Suddenly Epistemon began to breath , then opened his Eyes , yawned , sneezed , and afterwards let a great Houshold-Fart . Whereupon Panurge said , Now certainly he is healed , and therefore gave him to drink a large full Glass of strong White-wine , with a sugred Toast . In this Fashion was Epistemon finely healed , only that he was , somewhat hoarse for above three Weeks together , and had a dry Cough of which he could not be rid , but by the force of continual drinking . And now he began to speak , and said that he had seen the Devil , had spoken with Lucifer familiarly , and had been very merry in Hell , and in the Elysian Fields ; affirming very seriously before them all , that the Devils were boon Companions , and merry Fellows : but in respect of the Damned , he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this World again ; for ( said he ) I took wonderful delight to see them . How so , said Pantagruel ? because they do not use them there ( said Epistemon ) so badly as you think they do . Their Estate and Condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner .

For I saw Alexander the Great there mending old Stockins , whereby he got but a very poor Living .

Xerxes was a Crier of Mustard . Romulus , a Salter and Patcher of Patins . Numa , a Nail-smith . Tarquin , a Porter . Piso , a clownish Swaine . Sylla , a Ferry-man . Cyrus , a Cowheard . Themistocles , a Glass-maker . Epaminondas , a Maker of Looking-glasses . Brutus and Cassius , Surveyors of Land . Demosthenes , a Vine-dresser . Cicero , a Fire-kindler . Fabius , a Threader of Patenotres . Artaxerxes , a Rope-maker . Aeneas , a Miller . Achilles was a scauld-pated Maker of Hay-bundles . Agamemnon , a Lick-box . Vlysses , a Hay-mower . Nestor , a Forester . Darius , a Gold-finder . Ancus Martius , a Ship-trimmer . Camillus , a Foot-post . Marcellus , a Sheller of Beans . Drusus , a Taker of Money at the Doors of Play-houses . Scipio Africanus , a Crier of Lee in a Wooden-slipper . Asdrubal , a Lantern-maker . Hannibal , a Kettle-maker and Seller of Egg-shells . Priamus , a Seller of old Clouts . Lancelot of the Lake , was a Flayer of dead Horses .

All the Knights of the Round-table were poor Day-labourers , employed to row over the Rivers of Cocytus , Phlegeton , Styx , Acheron and Lethe , when Messieurs the Devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the Water ; as in the like Occasion are hired the Boat-men at Lions , the Gonde●eers of Venice , and Oars at London ; but with this Difference , that these poor Knights have only for their Fare a Bob or Flirt on the Nose , and in the Evening a Morsel of coarse mouldy Bread .

Trajan was a Fisher of Frogs . Antoninus , a Lacquey . Commodus , a Jeat-maker . Pertinax , a Peeler of Wall-nuts . Lucullus , a Maker of Rattles and Hawks-Bells . Iustinian , a Pedlar . Hector , a Snap-sauce Scullion . Paris was a poor Beggar . Camlyses , a Mule-driver . Nero , a base blind Fidler . Fierabras was his Serving-man , who did him a thousand mischievous Tricks , and would make him eat of the brown Bread , and drink of the turned Wine , when himself did both eat and drink of the best . Iulius Caesar and Pompey , were Boat-wrights and Tighters of Ships . Valentine and Orson did serve in the Stoves of Hell , and were Sweat-Rubbers in Hot-houses . Giglan and Govian were poor Swineherds . Iafrey with the great Tooth , was a Tinder-maker , and Seller of Matches . Godfrey de Bullion , a Hood-maker . Iason was a Bracelet-maker . Don Pietro de Castille , a Carrier of Indulgences . Morgan , a Beer-brewer . Huon of Bourdeaux , a Hooper of Barrels . Pyrrhus , a Kitchin-scullion . Antiochus , a Chimney-sweeper . Octavian , a Scraper of Parchment . Nerva , a Mariner . Pope Iulius was a Crier of Pudding-pies ; but he left off wearing there his great buggerly Beard . Iohn of Paris was a Greaser of Boots . Arthur of Britain , an Ungreaser of Caps . Pierce Forrest , a Carrier of Faggots . Pope Boniface the Eighth , a Scummer of Pots . Pope Nicholas the third , a Maker of Paper . Pope Alexander , a Rat-catcher . Pope Sixtus , an Anointer of those that have the Pox.

What , ( said Pantagruel ) have they the Pox there too ? Surely ( said Epistemon ) I never saw so many ; there are there I think above a hundred Millions . For believe , that those who have not had the Pox in this World , must have it in the other .

Cotsbody ( said Panurge ) then am I free ; for I have been as far as the Hole of Gibralter , reached unto the outmost Bounds of Hercules , and gathered of the ripest .

Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of Armour . The King Tigranes , a Mender of thatched Houses . Galien Restored , a Taker of Moldwarps . The four Sons of Aymon , were all Tooth-drawers . Pope Calixtus , was the Barber of a Woman's sine quo non . Pope Vrban , a Bacon-pecker . Melusina was a Kitchin Drudg-Wench . Mettabrune , a Laundress . Cleopatra , a Crier of Onions . Helene , a Broker for Chamber-maids . Semiramis , the Beggars Lice-killer . Dido did sell Mushroms . Pentasilea sold Cresses . Lucretia was an Ale-house Keeper . Hortensia , a Spinstress . Livia , a Grater of Verdigreece .

After this manner those that had been great Lords and Ladies here , got but a poor scurvy wretched Living there below . And on the contrary , the Philosophers and others , who in this World had been altogether indigent and wanting , were great Lords there in their turn . I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pompously , and in great magnificence , with a rich purple Gown on him , and a golden Scepter in his Right-hand . And which is more , he would now and then make Alexander the Great mad , so enormously would he abuse him , when he had not well patched his Breeches ; for he used to pay his Skin with sound Bastinadoes . I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French Fashion , sitting under a pleasant Arbour , with store of handsom Gentlewomen , frolicking , drinking , dancing , and making good Chear , with abundance of Crowns of the Sun . Above the Lattice were written these Verses for his Device : Sauter , dancer , faire les tours , Et boiue vin blanc , & vermeil ; Et ne faire rien tous les iours , Que compter les escuts au soleil . To dance , to skip , and to play , The best White and Claret to swill , And nothing to do all the Day , But rouling in Money , at will .

When he saw me , he invited me to drink with him very courteously , and I being willing to be intreated , we ripled and chopined together most Theologically . In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one Farthing of him for the honour of Mercury , therewith to buy a few Onions for his Supper . No , no , said Epictetus , I do not use in my Alms-giving to bestow Farthings ; hold thou Varlet , there 's a Crown for thee , be an honest Man . Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a Booty . But the other poor Rogues , the Kings that are there below , as Alexander , Darius , and others , stole it away from him by night . I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadamantus , who in cheapning the Pudding-pyes that Pope Iulius cried , asked him , How much a Dozen ? Three Blanks , said the Pope : Nay , ( said Pathelin ) three Blows with a Cudgel ; lay them down here you Rascal , and go fetch more . The poor Pope went away weeping ; who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker , told him that they had taken away his Pudding-pyes . Whereupon his Master gave him such a sound Lash with an Eele-skin , that his own would have been worth nothing to make Bag-pipe-bags of . I saw Master Iohn le Maire , there personate the Pope in such fashion , that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this World kiss his Feet ; and taking great State upon him , gave them his Benediction , saying , Get the Pardons , Rogues , get the Pardons , they are good cheap : I absolve you of Bread and Pottage , and dispense with you to be never good for any thing : then calling Caille● and Triboulet , to them he spoke these words , My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their Bulls , to wit , to each of them a Blow with a Cudgel upon the Reins . Which accordingly was forthwith performed .

I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes , How much the Mess of Mustard ? A Farthing , said Xerxes . To which the said Villon answered , The Pox take thee for a Villain : as much of square●ar'd Wheat is not worth half that Price , and now thou offerest to inhance the Price of Victuals ; with this he pist in his Pot as the Mustard-makers of Paris use to do . I saw the Francarcher de Baignolet , who was one of the Inquisition against Hereticks . When he saw Pierce-Forrest making water against a Wall , on which was painted the Fire of St. Anthony , declared him Heretick , and would have caused him to be burnt alive , had it not been for Morgant , who for his Proficiat and other small Fees , gave him nine Tuns of Beer .

Well , ( said Pantagruel ) reserve all these fair Stories for another time , only tell us how the Usurers are there handled . I saw them ( said Epistemon ) all very busily employed in seeking of rusty Pins , and old Nails in the Kennels of the Streets , as you see poor wretched Rogues do in this World ; but the quintal or hundred Weight of this old Iron Ware , is there valued but at the price of a Cantle of Bread ; and yet they have but a very bad Dispatch and Riddance in the Sale of it : Thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole Weeks without eating one Morsel or Crumb of Bread , and yet work both Day and Night looking for the fair to come : nevertheless , of all this Labour , Toil and Misery , they reckon nothing ; so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base Calling , in hopes at the end of the Year , to earn some scurvy Penny by it .

Come , ( said Pantagruel ) let us now make our selves merry one bout , and drink ( my Lads ) I beseech you , for it is very good drinking all this Month. Then did they uncase their Flagons by Heaps and Dozens , and with their Leaguer-provision made excellent good Chear . But the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of Mirth : whereupon Panurge said , Of what Trade shall we make my Lord the King here , that he may be skilful in the Art , when he goes thither to sojourn , amongst all the Devils of Hell ? Indeed ( said Pantagruel ) that was well advised of thee , do with him what thou wilt : I give him to thee . Grammercy ( said Panurge ) the Present is not to be refused , and I love it from you .

CHAP. XXXI . How Pantagruel entred into the City of the Amaurots , and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag , and made him a Crier of Green-sauce .

AFter this wonderful Victory , Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the Amaurots , to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken Prisoner , and all the Enemies of the City overthrown ; which News when they heard , all the Inhabitants of the City came forth to meet him in good order , and with a great triumphant Pomp , conducting him with a heavenly Joy into the City , where innumerable Bonfires were kindled every-where , and fair round Tables furnished with store of good Victuals , set out in the middle of the Streets . This was a Renewing of the Golden-Age : so good was the Cheer which then they made .

But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate , and Common-Council-Men of the Town , said ( My Masters ) we must now strike the Iron whilst it is hot ; it is therefore my Will , that before we frolick it any longer , we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes . To which effect , let those that will go with me provide themselves against to Morrow after drinking ; for then will I begin to march . Not that I need any more Men than I have to help me to conquer it ; for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already , but I see this City is so full of Inhabitants , that they scarce can turn in the Streets : I will therefore carry them as a Colony into Dipsody , and will give them all that Country , which is fair , wealthy , fruitful and pleasant , above all other Countries in the World , as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore . Every one of you therefore that will go along , let him provide himself as I have said . This Counsel and Resolution being published in the City , the next Morning there assembled in the Piazza , before the Palace , to the number of Eighteen hundred fifty six thousand and eleven , besides Women and little Children . Thus began they to march streight into Dipsody , in such good order as did the People of Israel when they departed out of Egypt , to pass over the Red-sea .

But before we proceed any further , I will tell you how Panurge handled his Prisoner the King Anarchus . For having remembred that which Epistemon had related , how the Kings and rich Men in this World were used in the Elysian Fields , and how they got their Living there by base and ignoble Trades ; he therefore one day apparelled his King in a pretty little Canvass Doublet , all jagged and pinked like the Tippet of a light Horse-man's Cap , together with a Pair of large Mariner's Breeches , and Stockins without Shoes : For ( said he ) they would but spoil his Sight ; and a little peach-coloured Bonnet , with a great Capon 's Feather in it . I lie , for I think he had two : and a very handsom Girdle , de pers & vert ; saying , that such a Livery did become him well , for that he had always been perverse . And in this Plight bringing him before Pantagruel , said unto him , Do you know this Royster ? No indeed , said Pantagruel . It is ( said Panurge ) my Lord , the King of the clowted Hose . I intend to make him an honest Man . These Devils of Kings here are but as so many Calves ; they know nothing , and are good for nothing but to do a thousand Mischiefs to their poor Subjects , and to trouble all the World with War for their unjust and detestable Pleasure . I will put him to a Trade , and make him a Crier of Green-sauce . Go to , begin and cry ; Do you lack any Green-sauce ? and the poor Devil cried . That is too low ( said Panurge ) ; then took him by the Ear , saying , Sing higher in Ge , sol , re , ut . So , so , ( poor Wretch ) thou hast a good Throat : Thou could'st never have been so happy hadst thou continued longer King .

And Pantagruel made himself merry with all this . For I dare boldly say , that he was the best little Gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of a Staff . Thus was Anarchus made a good Crier of Green-sauce . Two Days thereafter , Panurge married him with an old Lantern-carrying Hag ; and he himself made the Wedding with fine Sheeps-Heads , brave Haslets with Mustard , gallant Salligots with Garlick , of which he sent five Horse-loads unto Pantagruel ; which he ate up all , he found them so appetizing . And for their Drink , they had a kind of small well-watered Wine , and some Sorbapple-cider . And to make them dance , he hired a blind Man that made Musick to them with a Windbroach .

After Dinner he led them to the Palace , and shewed them to Pantagruel , and said , pointing to the married Woman , You need not fear that she will crack . Why ? said Pantagruel . Because , said Panurge , she is well slit and broke up already . What do you mean by that ? said Pantagruel . Do not you see , said Panurge , that the Chesnuts which are roasted in the Fire , if they be whole , they crack as if they were mad ▪ and to keep them from cracking , they make an Incision in them , and slit them : So this new Bride is in her lower Parts well slit before , and therefore will not crack behind .

Pantagruel gave them a little Lodg near the Lower-street , and a Mortar of Stone wherein to bray and pound their Sauce . And in this manner did they do their little Business , he being as pretty a Crier of Green-sauce as ever was seen in the Country of Vtopia . But I have been told since , that his Wife doth beat him like Plaister , and the poor Sot dares not defend himself , he is so simple .

CHAP. XXXII . How Pantagruel with his Tongue covered a whole Army , and what the Author saw in his Mouth .

THus as Pantagruel with all his Army had entered into the Country of the Dipsodes , every one was glad of it , and incontinently rendred themselves unto him , bringing him out of their own good Wills the Keys of all the Cities where he went , the Almirods only excepted ; who being resolved to hold out against him , made answer to his Heraulds that they would not yield but upon very honourable and good Conditions .

What , ( said Pantagruel ) do they ask any better Terms than the Hand at the Pot , and the Glass in their Fist ? Come let us go sack them , and put them all to the Sword . Then did they put themselves in good order , as being fully determined to give an Assault . But by the way passing through a large Field , they were overtaken with a great Shower of Rain . Whereat they began to shiver and tremble , to croud , press and thrust close to one another . When Pantagruel saw that , he made their Captains tell them , that it was nothing , and that he saw well above the Clouds , that it would be nothing but a little Dew ▪ but howsoever , that they should put themselves in order , and he would cover them . Then did they put themselves in a close order , and stood as near to other as they could ; and Pantagruel drew out his Tongue only halfway , and covered them all , as a Hen doth her Chickens .

In the mean time I who relate to you these so veritable Stories , hid my self under a Burdock-leaf , which was not much less in Largeness than the Arch of the Bridg of Montrible : but when I saw them thus covered , I went towards them to shelter my self likewise , which I could not do ; for that ( as the Saying is ) at the Yards End there is no Cloth left . Then as well as I could , I got upon it , and went along full two Leagues upon his Tongue , and so long marched , that at last I came into his Mouth : But O Gods and Goddesses , what did I see there ? Iupiter confound me with his trisulk Lightning if I lie : I walked there as they do in Sophie at Constantinople , and saw there great Rocks like the Mountains in Denmark , I believe that those were his Teeth ; I saw also fair Medows , large Forests , great and strong Cities , not a jot less than Lyons or Poictiers : The first Man I met with there was a good honest Fellow planting Colworts ; whereat being very much amazed , I asked him , My Friend , what dost thou make here ? I plant Colworts , said he : But how , and wherewith said I ? Ha Sir , said he , every one cannot have his Ballocks as heavy as a Mortar ; neither can we be all rich : thus do I get my poor Living , and carry them to the Market to sell in the City which is here behind . Iesus ! ( said I ) is there here a new World ? Sure ( said he ) it is never a jot new , but it is commonly reported , that without this there is an Earth , whereof the Inhabitants enjoy the Light of a Sun and a Moon ; and that it is full of , and replenished with very good Commodies ; but yet this is more ancient than that . Yea , but ( said I ) my Friend , what is the Name of that City whither thou carriest thy Colworts to sell ? It is called Alpharage , ( said he ) and all the Indwellers are Christians , very honest Men , and will make you good chear . To be brief , I resolved to go thither . Now in my way I met with a Fellow that was lying in wait to catch Pigeons , of whom I asked , ( My Friend ) from whence come these Pigeons ? Sir , ( said he ) they come from the other World . Then I thought that when Pantagruel yawned , the Pigeons went into his Mouth in whole Flocks , thinking that it had been a Pigeon-House .

Then I went into the City , which I found fair , very strong , and seated in a good Air ; but at my Entry the Guard demanded of me my Pass or Ticket ; whereat I was much astonished , and asked them , ( My Masters ) is there any Danger of the Plague here ? O Lord , ( said they ) they die hard by here so fast , that the Cart runs about the Streets . Good God! ( said I ) and where ? whereunto they answered , That it was in Larinx and Phaerinx , which are two great Cities , such as Rowen and Nantz , rich and of great Trading : and the Cause of the Plague was by a stinking and infectious Exhalation which lately vapoured out of the Abismes , whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen Persons within this Seven night . Then I considered , calculated and found , that it was a rank and unsavoury Breathing , which came out of Pantagruel's Stomach when he did eat so much Garlick , as we have aforesaid .

Parting from thence I pass'd amongst the Rocks , which were his Teeth , and never left walking till I got upon one of them , and there I found the pleasantest Places in the World , great large Tennis-courts , fair Galleries , sweet Meddows , store of Vines , and an infinite Number of Banqueting Summer Out-houses in the Fields , after the Italian Fashion , full of Pleasure and Delight , where I stayed full four Months , and never made better cheer in my Life as then . After that I went down by the hinder Teeth to come to the Chaps ; but in the way I was robbed by Thieves in a great Forest that is in the Territory towards the Ears . Then ( after a little further travelling ) I fell upon a pretty petty Village , ( truly I have forgot the Name of it ) where I was yet merrier than ever , and got some certain Money to live by , can you tell how ? by Sleeping : for there they hire Men by the Day to sleep , and they get by it six Pence a Day ; but they that can snort hard get at least Nine-pence . How I had been robbed in the Valley I informed the Senators , who told me that in very truth the People of that side were bad Livers , and naturally thievish ; whereby I perceived well , that as we have with us the Countreys Cisalpine and Transalpine , so have they there the Countreys Cidentine and Tradentine , that is , behither and beyond the Teeth : but it is far better living on this side , and the Air is purer . There I began to think , that it is very true which is commonly said , that the one half of the World knoweth not how the other half liveth . Seeing none before my self had ever written of that Country , wherein are above five and twenty Kingdoms inhabited , besides Deserts , and a great Arm of the Sea . I have composed a great Book , intituled , The History of the Gorgians , because they dwell in the Gorge of my Master Pantagruel .

At last I was willing to return , and passing by his Beard , I cast my self upon his Shoulders , and from thence slid down to the Ground , and fell before him . As soon as I was perceived by him , he asked me , Whence comest thou , Alcosribas ? I answered him , Out of your Mouth , my Lord ? And how long hast thou been there , said he ? Since the time ( said I ) that you went against the Almirods ; that is , about six Months ago , said he . And wherewith didst thou live ? what didst thou drink ? I answered , My Lord , of the same that you did , and of the daintiest Morsels that pass'd through your Throat I took Toll . Yea , but said he , where didst thou shite ? In your Throat ( my Lord ) said I. Ha , ha , thou art a merry Fellow , said he . We have with the Help of God conquered all the Land of the Dipsodes , I will give thee the Chastellein of Salmigo●din . Grammercy , my Lord , said I , you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you .

CHAP. XXXIII . How Pantagruel became sick , and the manner how he was recovered .

A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick , and had such an Illness in his Stomach , that he could neither eat nor drink : and because Mischief seldom comes alone , he had got also the hot Piss , which tormented him more than you would believe . His Physicians nevertheless helped him very well , and with store of Lenitives and diuretick Drugs made him piss away his Pain : His Urine was so hot , that since that time it is not yet cold ; and you have of it in divers Places of France , according to the Course that it took , and they are called the hot Baths , as at Coderets ; at Limous ; at Dast ; at Ballervie ; at Nerie ; at Bourbonansie ; and elsewhere . In Italy , at Mongros ; at Appone ; at Sancto Petro de Padua ; at St. Helen ; at Casa Nuova : At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne : at the Lorrette ; and a thousand other Places .

And I wonder much at a Rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians , who spend their time in disputing , whence the Heat of the said Waters cometh , whether it be by reason of Borax , or Sulphur , or Allum , or Saltpeter , that is within the Mine ; for they do nothing but dote , and better were it for them to rub their Arse against a Thistle , than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the Original : for the Resolution is easy , neither need we to enquire any further , than that the said Baths came by a 〈◊〉 Piss of the good Pantagruel .

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal Disease , I let pass how for a Minorative , he took four hundred pound Weight of Colophoniack Scammonee ; six score and eighteen Cart-loads of Caffia ; eleven thousand and nine hundred pound Weight of Rubarb , besides other confused Jumblings of sundry Drugs . You must understand , that by the Advice of the Physicians , it was ordered that what did offend his Stomach should be taken away ; and therefore they made seventeen great Balls of Copper , each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St. Peter's Needle at Rome , and in such sort , that they did open in the midst , and shut with a Spring . Into one of them entered one of his Men , carrying a Lanthorn and a Torch lighted , and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little Pill : Into seven others went seven Country-fellows , having every one of them a Shovel on his Neck : Into nine others entred nine Wood-carriers , having each of them a Basket hung at his Neck , and so were they swallowed down like Pills : When they were in his Stomach , every one undid his Spring , and came out of their Cabins : the first whereof was he that carried the Lanthorn , and so they fell more than half a League into a●most horrible Gulph , more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis , or the Marishes of Camerina , or the abominably unsavory Lake of Sorbona , whereof Strabo maketh mention . And had it not been , that they had very well antidoted their Stomach , Heart and Wine-pot , which is called the Noddle , they had been altogether suffocated and choaked with these detestable Vapours : O what a Perfume ! O what an Evaporation wherewith to bewray the Masks or Muflers of young mangy Queans ! After that with groping and smelling they came near to the fecal Matter and the corrupted Humours . Finally , they found a Montjoy , or Heap of Ordure and Filth ; then fell the Pioneers to work to dig it up , and the rest with their Shovels filled the Baskets ; and when all was cleansed , every one retired himself into his Ball.

This done , Pantagruel enforcing himself to a Vomit , very easily brought them out , and they made no more shew in his Mouth than a Fart in yours : But when they came merrily out of their Pills , I thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan Horse . By this Means was ●he healed , and brought unto his former State and Convalescence . And of these brazen Pills you have one at Orleans , upon the Steeple of the Holy Cross Church .

CHAP. XXXIV . The Conclusion of this present Book , and the Excuse of the Author .

NOw ( my Masters ) you have heard a Beginning of the horrifick History of my Lord and Master Pantagruel . Here will I make an end of the first Book . My Head aches a little , and I perceive that the Registers of my Brain are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral Iuice . You shall have the rest of the History at Frankfort Mart next coming , and there shall you see how Panurge was married and made a Cuckold within a Month after his Wedding : how Pantagruel found out the Philosopher's Stone , the Manner how he found it , and the Way how to use it : How he past over the Caspian Mountains , and how he sailed through the Atlantick Sea , defeated the Cannibals , and conquered the Isles of Perles ; how he married the Daughter of the King of India , called Presian ; how he fought against the Devil , and burnt up five Chambers of Hell , ransacked the great black Chamber , threw Proserpina into the Fire , broke five Teeth of Lucifer , and the Horn that was in his Arse . How he visited the Regions of the Moon , to know whether indeed the Moon were not entire and whole ; or if the Women had three Quarters of it in their Heads , and a thousand other little Merriments all veritable . These are brave things truly : Good Night , Gentlemen , Perdonate mi , and think not so much upon my Faults , that you forget your own . If you say to me , ( Master ) it would seem that you were not very wise in writing to us these flimflam Stories , and pleasant Fooleries ;

I answer you , that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them . Nevertheless , if you read them to make your selves merry , as in manner of Pastime I wrote them , you and I both are far more worthy of Pardon than a great Rabble of squint-minded Fellows , counterfeit Saints , demure Lookers , Hypocrites , Zealots , tough Fryars , Buskin-Monks , and other such Sects of Men , who disguise themselves like Maskers to deceive the World : for whilst they give the common People to understand , that they are busied about nothing but Contemplation and Devotion in Fastings and Maceration of their Sensuality , and that only to sustain and aliment the small Frailty of their Humanity ; it is so far otherwise , that on the contrary ( God knows ) what cheer they make , Et Curios simulant , sed bacchanalia vivunt . You may read it in great Letters , in the colouring of their red Snowts , and gulching Bellies as big as a Tun , unless it be when they perfume themselves with Sulphur . As for their Study it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelin Books , not so much to pass the Time merriiy , as to hurt some one or other mischievously , to wit , in articling , sole-articling , wry-neckifying , buttock-stirring , ballocking , and diabliculating , that is calumniating : wherein they are like unto the poor Rogues of a Village , that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the Ordure and Filth of little Children in the Season of Cherries and Guinds , and that only to find the Kernels , that they may sell them to the Druggists , to make thereof Pomander-Oil . Fly from these Men , abhor and hate them as much as I do , and upon my Faith you will find your selves the better for it . And if you desire to be good Pantagruelists , ( that is to say , to live in Peace , Joy , Health , making your selves always merry ) never trust those Men that always peep out at one Hole .

The End of the Second Book of RABELAIS . FINIS .

THE THIRD BOOK OF THE WORKS OF Mr. Francis Rabelais , Doctor in Physick .

Containing the Heroick Deeds of Pantagruel the Son of Gargantua .

Now faithfully Translated into English ; by the unimitable Pen of Sir Thomas Vrwhart , K t. & Bar.

The Translator of the Two First BOOKS .

Never before Printed .

LONDON : Printed for Richard Baldwin near the Oxford Arms in Warwick-Lane , 1693.

Francis Rabelais to the Soul of the deceased Queen of Navarre . ABstracted Soul , ravish'd with extasies , Gone back , and now familiar in the Skies . Thy former Host , thy Body , leaving quite , Which to obey thee always took delight ; Obsequious , ready . Now from motion free , Senseless , and as it were , in Apathy . Wouldst thou not issue forth , for a short space , From that Divine , Eternal , Heavenly place , To see the third part , in this earthy Cell , Of the brave Acts of good Pantagruel .

The Third Book of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good Pantagruel .

The AUTHOR's Prologue .

GOOD People , most Illustrious Drinkers , and you thrice precious gouty Gentlemen . Did you ever see Diogenes the Cynick Philosopher , if you have seen him , you then had your Eyes in your Head , or I am very much out of my Understanding and Logical Sense . It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of ( Wine , Gold ) the Sun . I 'll be judged by the blind born so renowned in the Sacred Scriptures ; who having at his choice to ask whatever he would from him who is Almighty , and whose Word in an Instant is effectually performed , asked nothing else but that he might see . Item you are not young , which is a competent Quality for you to Philosophat more than Physically in Wine ( not in vain ) and henceforwards to be of the Bacchick Council ; to the end that opining there , you may give your Opinion faithfully of the Substance , Colour , excellent Odour , Eminency , Propriety , Faculty , Vertue , and effectual Dignity of the said blessed and desired Liquor .

If you have not seen him ( as I am easily induced to believe that you have not ) at least you have heard some talk of him . For through the Air , and the whole extent of this Hemisphere of the Heavens hath his Report and Fame , even until this present time , remained very memorable and renowned . Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian Blood ( if I be not deceived ) if you have not so many Crowns as Midas had , yet have you something ( I know not what ) of him , which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their Otacusts , and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine ; and gave occasion thereafter to the Basilisco at Rohan to be Surnamed Goodly ears . If you have not heard of him , I will presently tell you a Story to make your Wine relish : Drink then , so , to the purpose ; hearken now whilst I give you notice ( to the end that you may not like Infidels be by your simplicity abused ) that in his time he was a rare Philosopher , and the chearfullest of a thousand : If he had some Imperfection , so have you , so have we ; for there is nothing ( but God ) that is perfect : Yet so it was , that by Alexander the Great ( although he had Aristotle for his Instructor and Domestick ) was he held in such Estimation , that he wish'd if he had not been Alexander to have been Diogenes the Sinopian .

When Philip King of Macedon enterprised the Siege and Ruine of Corinth , the Corinthians having received certain Intelligence by their Spies , that he with a numerous Army in Battel Rank was coming against them , were all of them ( not without cause ) most terribly afraid ; and therefore were not neglective of their Duty , in doing their best Endeavours to put themselves in a fit posture to resist his Hostile Approach , and defend their own City .

Some from the Fields brought into the Fortify'd Places their Moveables , Bestial , Corn , Wine , Fruit , Victuals , and other necessary Provision .

Others did fortify and rampire their Walls , set up little Fortresses , Bastions , squared Ravelins , digged Trenches , cleansed Countermines , fenced themselves with Gabions , contrived Platforms , emptied Casemates , barricado'd the false Brayes , erected the Cavalliers , repaired the Contrescarfes , plaister'd the Courtines , lengthned Ravelins , stopped Parapets , mortaised Barbacans , assured the Port-culleys , fastned the Herses , Sarasinesks and Cataracks , placed their Centries , and doubled their Patrouille .

Every one did watch and ward , and not one was exempted from carrying the Basket .

Some polish'd Corselets , varnished Backs and Breasts , clean'd the Head-pieces , Mail-Coats , Brigandins , Salads , Helmets , Murrions , Jacks , Gushets , Gorgets , Hoguines , Brassars , and Cuissars , Corseletts , Haubergeons , Shields , Bucklers , Targuets , Greves , Gantlets and Spurs .

Others made ready Bows , Slings , Cross-bows , Pellets , Catapults , Migrames or Fire-balls , Firebrands , Balists , Scorpions , and other such Warlike Engines , expugnatorie , and destructive to the Hellepolists .

They sharpned and prepared Spears , Staves , Pikes , Brown●Bills , Halberts , Long Hooks , Lances , Zagages , Quarterstaves , Eelspears , Partisans , Troutstaves , Clubs , Battle-axes , Maces , Darts , Dartlets , Glaves , Javelins , Javelots , and Trunchions .

They set Edges upon Cimeters , Cutlasses , Badelans , Back-swords , Tucks , Rapiers , Bayonets , Arrow-heads , Dags , Daggers , Mandousians , Poigniards , Whinyards , Knives , Skenes , Sables , Chipping Knives , and Raillons .

Every Man exercis'd his Weapon , every Man scowred off the Rust from his natural Hanger : Nor was there a Woman amongst them ( tho' never so reserv'd or old ) who made not her Harnish to be well furbished ; as you know the Corinthian Women of old were reputed very couragious Combatants .

Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work , and himself not employed by the Magistrates in any business whatsoever , he did very seriously ( for many days together , without speaking one Word ) consider , and contemplate the Countenance of his Fellow-Citizens .

Then on a sudden , as if he had been roused up and inspired by a Martial Spirit , he girded his Cloak , scarf-ways , about his Left Arm , tucked up his Sleeves to the Elbow , trussed himself like a Clown gathering Apples , and giving to one of his old Acquaintance his Wallet , Books , and Opistrographs , away went he out of Town towards a little Hill or Promontory of Corinth called Cranie ; and there on the Strand , a pretty level place , did he roul his Jolly Tub , which serv'd him for an House to shelter him from the Injuries of the Weather : There , I say , in a great Vehemency of Spirit , did he turn it , veer it , wheel it , whirl it , frisk it , jumble it , shuffle it , huddle it , tumble it , hurry it , joult it , justle it , overthrow it , evert it , invert it , subvert it , overturn it , beat it , thwack it , bump it , batter it , knock it , thrust it , push it , jert it , shock it , shake it , toss it , throw it , overthrow it up-side down , topsiturvy , arsiturvy , tread it , trample it , stamp it , tap it , ting it , ring it , tingle it , towl it , sound it , resound it , stop it , shut it , unbung it , close it , unstopple it . And then again in a mighty bustle he bandy'd it , slubber'd it , hack'd it , whitled it , way'd it , darted it , hurled it , stagger'd it , reel'd it , swing'd it , brangled it , totter'd it , lifted it , heaved it , transformed it , transfigur'd it , transpos'd it , transplaced it , reared it , raised it , hoised it , washed it , dighted it , cleansed it , rinced it , nailed it , setled it , fastned it , shackled it , fetter'd it , level'd it , block'd it , tugg'd it , tew'd it , carry'd it , bedash'd it , beray'd it , parch'd it , mounted it , broach'd it , nick'd it , notch'd it , bespatter'd it , deck'd it , adorn'd it , trimmed it , garnished it , gaged it , furnish'd it , boar'd it , pierc'd it , trap'd it , rumbled it , slid it down the Hill , and precipitated it from the very height of the Cranie ; then from the foot to the top ( like another Sisyphus with his Stone ) bore it up again , and every way so bang'd it and belabour'd it , that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the bottom of it out .

Which when one of his Friends had seen , and asked him why he did so toil his Body , perplex his Spirit , and torment his Tub ? The Philosopher's Answer was , That not being employed in any other Charge by the Republick , he thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his Tub , that amongst a People so fervently busie , and earnest at work , he alone might not seem a loytering Slug and lasie Fellow . To the same purpose may I say of my self , Tho I be rid from Fear , I am not void of Care . For perceiving no Account to be made of me towards the Discharge of a Trust of any great Concernment , and considering that through all the parts of this most noble Kingdom of France , both on this and on the other side of the Mountains , every one is most diligently exercised and busied ; some in the fortifying of their own Native Country , for its Defence ; others , in the repulsing of their Enemies by an Offensive War ; and all this with a Policy so excellent , and such admirable Order , so manifestly profitable for the future , whereby France shall have its Frontiers most magnifically enlarged ▪ and the Frenches assured of a long and well-grounded Peace , that very little ▪ withholds me from the Opinion of good Heraclitus , which affirmeth War to be the Father of all good things ; and therefore do I believe that War is in Latin called Bellum , not by Antiphrasis , as some Patchers of old rusty Latin would have us to think ; because in War there is little Beauty to be seen , but absolutely and simply ; for that in War appeareth all that is good and graceful , and that by the Wars is purged out all manner of Wickedness and Deformity . For Proof whereof the wise and pacifick Solomon could no better represent the unspeakable Perfection of the Divine Wisdom , than by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an Army in Battel Array , well provided and ordered .

Therefore by reason of my Weakness and Inability , being reputed by my Compatriots unfit for the Offensive part of Warfare ; and on the other side , being no way employed in matter of the Defensive , although it had been but to carry Burthens , fill Ditches , or break Clods , either whereof had been to me indifferent , I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an Idle Spectator of so many valorous , eloquent and warlike Persons , who in the view and sight of all Europe act this notable Interlude or Tragicomedy , and not make some Effort towards the Performance of this , nothing at all remains for me to be done . In my Opinion , little Honour is due to such as are meer Lookers on , liberal of their Eyes , and of their Purse parsimonious ; who conceal their Crowns , and hide their Silver ; scratching their Head with one Finger like grumbling Puppies , gaping at the Flies like Tithe Calves ; clapping down their Ears like Arcadian Asses at the Melody of Musicians , who with their very Countenances in the depth of silence express their Consent to the Prosopopeie .

Having made this Choice and Election , it seemed to me that my Exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor troublesom to any , whilst I should thus set agoing my Diogenical Tub , which is all that is left me safe from the Shipwrack of my former Misfortunes .

At this dingle dangle wagging of my Tub , what would you have me to do ? By the Virgin that tucks up her Sleeve , I know not as yet : Stay a little till I suck up a Draught of this Bottle , it is my true and only Helicon ; it is my Caballine Fountain ; it is my sole Entousiasm . Drinking thus I meditate , discourse , resolve and conclude . After that the Epilogue is made , I laugh , I write , I compose , and drink again . Cynius drinking wrote , and wriing drank . Aschylus ( if Plutarch in his Symposiaes merit any Faith ) drank composing , and drinking composed . Homer never wrote fasting , and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk . These Passages I have brought before you , to the end you may not say that I live without the Example of Men well praised , and better . prised . It is good and fresh enough , even ( as if you would say ) it is entring upon the Second Degree . God the good God Sabaoth ( that is to say , the God of Armies ) be praised for it eternally . If you after the same manner would take one great Draught , or two little ones , whilst you have your Gown about you . I truly find no kind of Inconveniency in it , provided you send up to God for all some small scantling of Thanks .

Since then my Luck or Destiny is such as you have heard , for it is not for every body to go to Corinth , I am fully resolved to be so little idle and unprofitable , that I will set my self to serve the one and the other sort of People , amongst the Diggers , Pioniers and Rampire-builders , I will do as did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon , or as did Renault of Mountauban in his latter days : I will serve the Masons , I 'll set on the Pot to boyl for the Bricklayers ; and whilst the minced Meat is making ready at the sound of my small Pipe , I 'll measure the Muzzle of the musing Dotards . Thus did Amphion with the Melody of his Harp , found , build and finish the great and renowned City of Thebes .

For the use of the Warriours I am about to broach off new my Barrel to give them a taste , ( which by two former Volumes of mine , if by the deceitfulness and falshood of Printers they had not been jumbled , marred and spoiled , you would have very well relish'd ) and draw unto them of the growth of our own trippery Pastimes , a gallant third part of a Gallon , and consequently a jolly chearful Quart of Pantagruelick Sentences , which you may lawfully call ( if you please ) Diogenical ; and shall have me ( seeing I cannot be their Fellow-Soldier ) for their faithful Butler , refreshing and cheering , according to my little power , their return from the Alarms of the Enemy ; as also for an indefatigable Extoller of their Martial Exploits and Glorious Atchievements . I shall not fail therein par lapathium acutum de dieu , if Mars fail not in Lent , which the cunning Lecher ( I warrant you ) will be loath to do .

I remember nevertheless to have read , that Ptolomee the Son of Lagus one day , amongst the many Spoils and Booties , which by his Victories he had acquired , presenting to the Egyptians in the open view of the People , a Bactrian Camel all black , and a party-coloured Slave , in such sort , as that the one half of his Body was black , and the other white , not in partition of breadth by the Diaphragma , as was that Woman consecrated to the Indian Venus , whom the Tyanean Philosopher did see between the River Hydaspes , and mount Caucasus , but in a perpendicular Dimension of Altitude ; which were things never before that seen in Egypt . He expected by the show of these Novelties to win the love of the People . But what hapned thereupon ? At the production of the Camel they were all affrighted , and offended at the sight of the party-coloured Man : Some scoffed at him as a detestible Monster brought forth by the Errour of Nature . In a word , of the Hope which he had to please these Egyptians , and by such means to encrease the Affection which they naturally bore him , he was altogether frustrate and disappointed ; understanding fully by their Deportments , that they took more pleasure and delight in things that were proper , handsom and perfect , than in mishapen , monstrous and ridiculous Creatures ; since which time he had both the Slave and the Camel in such dislike that very shortly thereafter , either through Negligence , or for want of ordinary Sustenance , they did exchange their Life with Death .

This Example , My Cake will be Dough , and for my Venus I shall have but some deformed Puppy , putteth me in a suspence between hope and fear , misdoubting that for the Contentment which I aim at , I will but reap what shall be most distastful to me ; instead of serving them , I shall but vex them , and offend them whom I purpose to exhilerate ; resembling in this dubious Adventure Euclion's Cook , so renowned by Plautus in his Pot ; and by Ausonius in his Griphon , and by divers others ; which Cook , for having by his scraping , discovered a Treasure , had his Hide well curry'd . Put the case I get no Anger by it , though formerly such things fell out , and the like may occur again : Yet , by Hercules , it will not . So I perceive in them all one , and the same specifical Form , and the like individual Proprieties , which our Ancestors called Pantagruelism ; by vertue whereof they will bear with any thing that floweth from a good , free , and loyal Heart . I have seen them ordinarily take good will in part of payment , and remain satisfied therewith , when one was not able to do better . Having dispatched this point , I return to my Barrel .

Up my Lads , to this Wine , spare it not ; drink Boys , and trowl it off at full Bowls ; if you do not think it good , let it alone . I am not like those officious and importunate Sots , who by Force , Outrage and Violence constrain an easie good-natur'd Fellow to whiffle , quaff , carouse , and what is worse . All honest Tiplers , all honest gouty Men , all such as are adry , coming to this little Barrel of mine , need not drink thereof , if it please them not ; but if they have a mind to it , and that the Wine prove agreeable to the Tastes of their worshipful Worships , let them drink frankly , freely and boldly , without paying any thing , and welcome . This is my Decree , my Statute and Ordinance ; and let none fear there shall be any want of Wine as at the Marriage of Cana in Galilee ; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the Faucet , so much shall I tun in at the Bung. Thus shall the Barrel remain inexhaustible ; it hath a lively Spring and perpetual Current . Such was the Beverage contained within the Cup of Tantalus , which was figuratively represented amongst the Bracman Sages . Such was in Iberia the Mountain of Salt so highly written of by Cato . Such was the Branch of Gold consecrated to the subterranean Goddess , which Virgil treats of so sublimely . It is a true Cornu-copia of Merriment and Railery . If at any time it seem to you to be emptied to the very Lees , yet shall it not for all that be drawn wholly dry ; good Hope remains there at the bottom , as in Pandora's Bottle ; and not despair , as in the Punction of the Danaids . Remark well what I have said , and what manner of People they be whom I do invite ; for to the end that none be deceived , I ( in imitation of Lucilius , who did protest that he wrote only to his own Tarentias and Consentius , have not pierced this Vessel for any else , but you honest Men , who are Drinkers of the First Edition , and gouty Blades of the highest degree . The great Dorophages , Bribe-mongers , have ( on their hands ) occupation enough , and enough on the Hooks , for their Venison . There may they follow their Prey ; here is no Garbage for them . You Pettifoggers , Garbellers , and Masters of Chicanery , speak not to me I beseech you , in the name of , and for the Reverence you bear to the Four Hips that ingendred you , and to the Quickning Peg which at that time conjoined them . As for Hypocrites , much less ; although they were all of them unsound in Body , pockify'd , scurfie , furnish'd with unquenchable Thirst , and insatiable Eating ; because indeed they are not of good but of evil , and of that evil , from which we daily pray to God to deliver us . And albeit we see them sometimes counterfeit Devotion , yet never did Old Age make pretty Moppet . Hence Mastiffs , Dogs in a Doublet , get you behind , aloof Villains , out of my Sun-shine ; Curs , to the Devil . Do you jog hither , wagging your Tails , so pant at my Wine , and bepiss my Barrel ? Look here is the Cudgel , which Diogines , in his last Will , ordained to be set by him after his Death , for beating away , crushing the Reins , and breaking the Backs of these Bustuary Hobgoblins , and Cerberian Hell-hounds . Pack you hence therefore you Hypocrites to your Sheep-dogs , get you gone you Dissemblers to the Devil . Hay ! What , are you there yet ? I renounce my part of Papimanie . If I snatch you , Grr , Grrr , Grrrrrr. Avant , Avant , will you not be gone ? May you never shit till you be soundly lash'd with Stirrup Leather , never piss but by the Strapado , nor be otherways warmed , than by the Bastinado .

CHAP. I. How Pantagruel transported a Colony of Utopians into Dypsodie .

PAntagruel having wholly subdued the Land of Dypsodie , transported thereunto a Colony of Utopians , to the number of 9876543210 Men , besides the Women and little Children , Artificers of all Trades , and Professors of all Sciences ; to people , cultivate and improve that Country , which otherways was ill inhabited , and in the greatest part thereof but a meer Desert and Wilderness ; and did transport them so much for the excessive multitude of Men and Women which were in Utopia , multiplied ( for number ) like Grashoppers upon the face of the Land . You understand well enough , nor is it needful further to explain it to you , that the Utopian Men had so rank and fruitful Genetories , and that the Utopian Women carryed Matrixes so ample , so glutonous , so tenaciously retentive , and so Architectonically cellulated , that at the end of every Ninth Month Seven Children at the least ( what Male what Female ) were brought forth by every Married Woman , in imitation of the People of Israel in Egypt , if Anthony de Lira be to be trusted . Nor yet was this Transplantation made so much for the Fertility of the Soil , the Wholsomness of the Air , or Commodity of the Country of Dypsodie , as to retain that Rebellious People within the bounds of their Duty and Obedience , by this new Transport of his ancient and most faithful Subjects , who from all time out of mind , never knew , acknowledged , owned or served any other Soveraign Lord but him ; and who likewise from the very instant of their Birth , as soon as they were entred into this World , had , with the Milk of their Mothers and Nurses , sucked in the Sweetness , Humanity and Mildness of his Government , to which they were all of them so nourished and habituated , that there was nothing surer , than that they would sooner abandon their Lives , than swerve from this singular and primitive Obedience naturally due to their Prince , whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed .

And not only should they , and their Children successively descending from their Blood , be such , but also would keep and maintain in this same Fealty , and obsequious Observance , all the Nations lately annexed to his Empire ; which so truly came to pass , that therein he was not disappointed of his intent . For if the Utopians were before their Transplantation thither dutiful and faithful Subjects , the Dypsodes , after some few days conversing with them , were every whit as ( if not more ) loyal than they ; and that by vertue of I know not what natural Fervency incident to all Humane Creatures at the beginning of any labour wherein they took delight ; solemnly attesting the Heavens , and supreme Intelligences of their being only sorry , that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great Renown of the good Pantagruel .

Remark therefore here ( honest Drinkers ) that the manner of preserving and retaining Countries newly Conquered in Obedience , is not ( as hath been the Erronious Opinion of some Tyrannical Spirits to their own Detriment and Dishonour ) to pillage , plunder , force , spoil , trouble , oppress , vex , disquiet , ruine and destroy the People , ruling , governing and keeping them in awe with Rods of Iron ; and ( in a word ) eating and devouring them , after the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked King , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , that is to say , a Devourer of his People .

I will not bring you to this purpose the Testimony of Ancient Writers ; it shall suffice to put you in mind of what your Fathers have seen thereof , and your selves too , if you be not very Babes . New-born , they must be given suck to , rocked in a Cradle , and dandled . Trees newly planted must be supported , underpropped , strengthened and defended against all Tempests , Mischiefs , Injuries and Calamities . And one lately saved from a long and dangerous Sickness , and new upon his Recovery , must be forborn , spared and cherished , in such sort , that they may harbour in their own Breasts this Opinion , that there is not in the World a King or a Prince , who does not desire fewer Enemies , and more Friends .

Thus Osiris the great King of the Egyptians , conquered almost the whole Earth , not so much by Force of Arms , as by easing the People of their Troubles , teaching them how to live well , and honestly giving them good Laws , and using them with all possible Affability , Curtesie , Gentleness and Liberality : Therefore was he by all Men deservedly Entituled , The Great King Evergetes ( that is to say Benefactor ) which Style he obtained by vertue of the Command of Iupiter to Pamyla .

And in effect , Hesiod , in his Hierarchy placed the good Demons ( call them Angels if you will , or Geniuses ) as Intercessors and Mediators betwixt the Gods and Men , they being of a degree inferiour to the Gods , but superiour to Men ; and for that through their Hands the Riches and Benefits we get from Heaven are dealt to us ; and that they are continually doing us good , and still protecting us from evil . He saith , that they exercise the Offices of Kings ; because to do always good , and never ill , is an Act most singularly Royal.

Just such another was the Emperor of the Universe , Alexander the Macedonian . After this manner was Hercules Sovereign Possessor of the whole Continent , relieving Men from monstrous Oppressions , Exactions and Tyrannies ; governing them with Discretion , maintaining them in Equity and Justice , instructing them with seasonable Policies and wholsom Laws , convenient for , and suitable to the Soil , Climate and Disposition of the Country , supplying where was wanting , abating what was superfluous , and pardoning all that was past , with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all preceding Offences , as was the Amnestie of the Athenians , when by the Prowess , Valour and Industry of Thrasybulus , the Tyrants were exterminated ; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed , and renewed under the Emperor Aurelian . These are the Philtres , Allurements , Iynges , Inveiglements , Baits , and Enticements of Love , by the means whereof that may be peaceably revived , which was painfully acquired . Nor can a Conqueror Reign more happily , whether he be a Monarch , Emperor , King , Prince or Philosopher , than by making his Justice to second his Valour . His Valour shows it self in Victory and Conquest ; his Iustice will appear in the good Will and Affection of the People , when he maketh Laws , publisheth Ordinances , establisheth Religion , and doth what is right to every one , as the noble Poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus .

— Victorque volentes Per populos dat jura .

Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good Prince and great King 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , that is , The Ornament of the People .

Such was the Consideration of Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans , a just Politician and wise Philosopher , when he ordained that to God Terminus , on the day of his Festival called Terminales , nothing should be Sacrificed that had died ; teaching us thereby , that the Bounds , Limits and Frontiers of Kingdoms should be guarded , and preserved in Peace , Amity and Meekness , without polluting our Hands with Blood and Robbery : Who doth otherways , shall not only lose what he hath gained , but also be loaded with this Scandal and Reproach , That he is an unjust and wicked Purchaser , and his Acquests perish with him , Iuxta illud malae parta , male dilabuntur . And although during his whole Life-time , he should have peaceable possession thereof ; yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the Hands of his Heirs the same Opproby , Scandal and Imputation will be charged upon the Defunct , and his Memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable Conquest , Iuxta illud , de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres .

Remark , likewise , Gentlemen , you Gouty Feoffees in this main Point worthy of your Observation , how by these means Pantagruel of one Angel made two , which was a Contingency opposite to the Council of Charlemaine , who made two Devils of one , when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders , and the Flemins into Saxony . For not being able to keep in such Subjection the Saxons , whose Dominion he had joyned to the Empire , but that ever and anon they would break forth into open Rebellion , if he should casually be drawn into Spain , or other remote Kingdoms : He caused them to be brought unto his own Country of Flanders , the Inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him ; and transported the Haynaults and Flemens , his ancient loving Subjects , into Saxony , not mistrusting their Loyalty , now that they were transplanted into a strange Land . But it hapned that the Saxons persisted in their Rebellion and primitive Obstinacy ; and the Flemins dwelling in Saxony did imbibe the stubborn Manners and Conditions of the Saxons .

CHAP. II. How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygoudin in Dypsodie , and did waste his Revenue before it came in .

WHilst Pantagruel was giving Order for the Government of all Dypsodie , he assigned to Panurge the Lairdship of Salmygoudin , which was yearly worth 6789106789 Ryals of certain Rent , besides the uncertain Revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles , amounting one year with another to the value of 435768 , or 2435769 French Crowns of Berry . Sometimes it did amount to 1230554321 Seraphs when it was a good Year , and that Locusts and Periwinkles were in request ; but that was not every Year .

Now his Worship , the new Laird , husbanded this his Estate so providently well and prudently , that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain Revenue of his Lairdship for three whole Years : Yet did not he properly dilapidate it , as you might say , in founding of Monasteries , building of Churches , erecting of Colledges , and setting up of Hospitals , or casting his Bacon-Flitches to the Dogs ; but spent it in a thousand little Banquets and jolly Collations , keeping open House for all Comers and Goers ; yea , to all good Fellows , young Girls , and pretty Wenches ; felling Timber , burning the great Logs for the Sale of the Ashes , borrowing Money before-hand , buying dear , selling cheap , and eating his Corn ( as it were ) whilst it was but Grass .

Pantagruel being advertised of this his Lavishness , was in good sooth no way offended at the matter , angry nor sorry ; for I once told you , and again tell it you , that he was the best , little , great Goodman that ever girded a Sword to his Side ; he took all things in good part , and interpreted every Action to the best Sence : He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of Dislike to any thing ; because he knew that he must have most grosly abandoned the Divine Mansion of Reason , if he had permitted his Mind to be never so little grieved , afflicted or altered at any occasion whatsoever . For all the Goods that the Heaven covereth , and that the Earth containeth in all their Dimensions of Heighth , Depth , Breadth and Length , are not of so much worth , as that we should for them disturb or disorder our Affections , trouble or perplex our Senses or Spirits .

He drew only Panurge aside , and then making to him a sweet Remonstrance and mild Admonition , very gently represented before him in strong Arguments , That if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living , and not become a better Mesnagier , it would prove altogether impossible for him , or at least hughly difficult at any time to make him rich . Rich ! answered Panurge , Have you fixed your Thoughts there ? Have you underraken the Task to enrich me in this World ? Set your Mind to live merrily in the Name of God and good Folks , let no other Cark nor Care be harboured within the Sacro sanctified Domicile of your Celestial Brain . May the Calmness and Tranquility thereof be never incommodated with , or over-shadowed by any frowning Clouds of sullen Imaginations and displeasing Annoyance . For if you live joyful , meery , jocund and glad , I cannot be but rich enough . Every body cries up thrift , thrift , and good Husbandry ; but many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his Bow ; and talk of that Vertue of Mesnagery , who know not what belong to it . It is by me that they must be advised . From me therefore take this Advertisement and Information , that what is imputed to me for a Vice , hath been done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris , places in which is to be found the true Spring and Source of the lively Idea of Pantheology , and all manner of Justice . Let him be counted an Heretick that doubteth thereof , and doth not firmly believe it : Yet they in one day eat up their Bishop , or the Revenue of the Bishoprick ( is it not all one ) for a whole year ; yea , sometimes for two . This is done on the day he makes his Entry , and is installed : Nor is there any place for an Excuse ; for he cannot avoid it , unless he would be houted at and stoned for his Parsimony .

It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the Habit of the Four Cardinal Vertues . Of Prudence in borrowing Money before-hand ; for none knows what may fall out ; who is able to tell if the World shall last yet three years ? But although it should continue longer , is there any Man so foolish , as to have the Confidence to promise himself three years ?

What fool so confident to say , That he shall live one other day ?

Of Commutative Iustice , in buying dear ( I say upon trust ) and selling good cheap , ( that is , for ready Money ) what says Cato in his Book of Husbandry to this purpose ? The Father of a Family ( says he ) must be a perpetual Seller ; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich , if he have of vendible Ware enough still ready for sale .

Of Distributive Iustice it doth partake , in giving Entertainment to good ( remark good ) and gentle Fellows , whom Fortune had Shipwrack'd ( like Ulysses ) upon the Rock of a hungry Stomach without provision of Sustenance : And likewise to the good ( remark the good ) and young Wenches : For according to the Sentence of Hippocrates , Youth is impatient of Hunger , chiefly if it be vigorous , lively , frolick , brisk , stirring and bouncing ; which wanton Lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of Honest Men ; and are in so far both Platonick and Ciceronian , that they do acknowledge their being born into this World , not to be for themselves alone , but that in their proper Persons their Acquaintance may claim one share , and their Friends another .

The Vertue of Fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great Trees , like a second Milo making Havock of the dark Forests , which did serve only to furnish Dens , Caves , and Shelter to Wolves , wild Boars and Foxes ; and afford Receptacles , withdrawing Corners and Refuges to Robbers , Thieves and Murtherers ; lurking holes and sculking places for Cut-throat Assassinators ; secret obscure Shops for Coiners of false money , and safe Retreats for Hereticks , laying them even and level with the plain Champian Fields and pleasant Heathy Ground , at the sound of the Hau-bois and Bagpipes playing , reeks with the high and stately Timber , and preparing Seats and Benches for the Eve of the dreadful day of Judgment .

I gave thereby proof of my Temperance in eating my Corn whilst it was but Grass , like an Hermit feeding upon Sallets and Roots , that so affranchising my self from the Yoak of sensual Appetites to the utter disclaiming of their Sovereignty , I might the better reserve somewhat in store , for the relief of the lame , blind , cripple , maimed , needy , poor and wanting Wretches .

In taking this course I save the Expence of the Weed-grubbers , who gain Money ; of the Reapers in Harvest-time , who drink lustily , and without Water ; of Gleaners , who will expect their Cakes and Bannocks of Threshers , who leave no Garlick , Scallions , Leeks nor Onyons in our Gardens , ( by the Authority of Thestilis in Virgil ) and of the Millers , who are generally Thieves ; and of the Bakers , who are little better ; is the small Saving or Frugality ; besides the mischief and damage of the Field-mice , the decay of Barns , and the destruction usually made by Weesils and other Vermin .

Of Corn in the Blade . You may make good green Sauce of a light Concoction , and easie Digestion , which recreates the Brain , and exhilerates the Animal Spirits , rejoyceth the Sight , openeth the Appetite , delighteth the taste , comforteth the Heart , tickleth the Tongue , cheareth the Countenance , striking a fresh and lively Colour , strengthening the Muscles , tempers the Blood , disburthens the Midrif , refresheth the Liver , disobstructs the Spleen , easeth the Kidneys , suppleth the Reins , quickens the Joynts of the Back , cleanseth the Urine-Conduits , dilates the Spermatick Vessels , shortens the Cremasters , purgeth the Bladder , puffeth up the Genitories , correcteth the prepuce , hardens the Nut , and rectifies that Member . It will make you have a current Belly to trot , fart , dung , piss , sneeze , cough , spit , belch , spew , yawn , snuff , blow , breath , snort , sweat , and set taunt your Robin , with a thousand other rare advantages . I understand you very well ( says Pantagruel ) you would thereby infer , that those of a mean Spirit and shallow Capacity , have not the skill to spend ▪ much in a short time : You are not the first in whose Conceit that Heresie hath entred : Nero maintained it , and above all Mortals admired most his Unkle Caius Caligula , for having in few days , by a most wonderfully pregnant Invention , totally spent all the Goods and Patrimony which Tiberius had left him .

But instead of observing the Sumptuous Supper-curbing Laws of the Romans , to wit , the Orchia , the Fannia , the Didia , the Licinia , the Cornelia , the Lepidiana , the Antia , and of the Corinthians ; by the which they were inhibited , under pain of great punishment , not to spend more in one year than their annual Revenue did amount to . You have offered up the Oblation of Protervia , which was with the Romans such a Sacrifice as the Paschal Lamb was amongst the Iews , wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten , and the remainder to be thrown into the Fire , without reserving any thing for the next day . I may very justly say of you , as Cato did of Albidius , who after that he had by a most extravagant Expence wasted all the Means and Possessions he had to one only House , he fairly set it on Fire , that he might the better say , Consummatum est . Even just as since his time St. Thomas Aquinas did when he had eaten up the whole Lamprey , although there was no necessity in it .

CHAP. III. How Panurge praiseth the Debtors and Borrowers .

BUT , quoth Pantagruel , when will you be out of Debt ? At the next ensuing Term of the Greek Calends , answered Panurge , when all the World shall be content , and that it be your Fate to become your own Heir . The Lord forbid that I should be out of Debt , as if , indeed , I could not be trusted . Who leaves not some Leaven over night , will hardly have paste the next morning .

Be still indebted to some body or other , that there may be some body always to pray for you ; that the Giver of all good things may grant unto you a blessed , long , and prosperous Life , fearing if Fortune should deal crosly with you , that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you ; he will always speak good of you in every Company , ever and anon purchase new Creditors unto you ; to the end that through their means you may make a shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul , and with other folks Earth fill up his Ditch . When of old in the Region of the Gauls , by the Institution of the Druids , the Servants , Slaves and Bondmen were burnt quick at the Funerals and Obsequies of their Lords and Masters ; had not they fear enough , think you , that their Lords and Masters should die ? for per force , they were to die with them for Company . Did not they uncessantly send up their Supplications to their great God Mercury , as likewise unto Dis the Father of Wealth , to lengthen out their days , and preserve them long in health ? Were not they very careful to entertain them well , punctually to look unto them , and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly ? For by those means were they to live together at least until the hour of Death . Believe me , your Creditors with a more fervent Devotion will beseech Almighty God to prolong your Life , they being of nothing more afraid than that you should die ; for that they are more concerned for the Sleeve than the Arm , and love Silver better than their own Lives ; as it evidently appeareth by the Usurers of Landerousse , who not long since hanged themselves , because the price of the Corn and Wines was fallen , by the return of a gracious Season . To this Pantagruel answering nothing , Panurge went on in his Discourse , saying , Truly , and in good sooth ( Sir , ) when I ponder my Destiny aright , and think well upon it , you put me shrewdly to my Plunges , and have me at a Bay in twitting me with the Reproach of my Debts and Creditors : And yet did I , in this only respect and consideration of being a Debtor , esteem my self worshipful , reverend and formidable . For against the Opinion of most Philosophers , that of nothing ariseth nothing ; yet without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First Matter , did I out of nothing become such Maker and Creator , that I have created , what ? a gay number of fair and jolly Creditors . Nay , Creditors ( I will maintain it , even to the very Fire it self exclusively ) are fair and goodly Creatures . Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked Creature , and an accursed Imp of the Infernal Old Nick. And there is made , what ? Debts : A thing most precious and dainty , of great Use and Antiquity . Debts ( I say ) surmounting the number of Syllables which may result from the Combinations of all the Consonants , with each of the Vowels heretofore projected , reckoned and calculated by the Noble Xenocrates . To judge of the perfection of Debtors by the Numerosity of their Creditors , is the readiest way for entring into the Mysteries of Practical Arithmetick .

You can hardly imagine how glad I am , when every Morning I perceive my self environed and surrounded with Brigades of Creditors ; humble , fawning , and full of their Reverences : And whilst I remark , that as I look more favourably upon , and give a chearfuller Countenance to one than to another , the Fellow thereupon buildeth a Conceit that he shall be the first Dispatched , and the foremost in the Date of Payment ; and he valueth my Smiles at the rate of ready Money . It seemeth unto me , that I then act and personate the God of the Passion of Saumure , accompanied with his Angels and Cherubims .

These are my Flatterers , my Soothers , my Claw backs , my Smoothers , my Parasites , my Saluters , my Givers of good Morrows , and perpetual Orators ; which makes me verily think , that the supreamest Height of Heroick Vertue , described by Hesiode , consisteth in being a Debtor , wherein I held the first degree in my Commencement . Which Dignity though all Humane Creatures seem to aim at , and aspire thereto , few nevertheless , because of the difficulties in the way , and incumbrances of hard Passages are able to reach it , as is easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in the Breast of every one , to be still creating more Debts , and the new Creditors .

Yet doth it not lie in the power of every one to be a Debtor . To acquire Creditors is not at the Disposure of each Man's Arbitriment . You nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime Felicity . You ask me when I will be out of Debt . Well , to go yet further on , and possibly worse in your Conceit , may Sanct Bablin , the good Sanct , snatch me , if I have not all my Life-time held Debt to be as an Union or Conjunction of the Heavens with the Earth , and the whole Cement whereby the Race of Mankind is kept together ; yea , of such Vertue and Efficacy , that , I say , the whole Progeny of Adam would very suddenly perish without it . Therefore , perhaps , I do not think amiss , when I repute it to be the great Soul of the Universe , which ( according to the Opinion of the Academicks ) vivifyeth all manner of things . In Confirmation whereof , that you may the better believe it to be so , represent unto your self , without any prejudicacy of Spirit , in a clear and serene Fancy , the Idea and Form of some other World than this ; take if you please , and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the Philosopher Methrodorus did enumerate , wherein it is to be supposed there is no Debtor or Creditor , that is to say , a World without Debts .

There amongst the Planets will be no regular Course , all will be in Disorder , Iupiter reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn , will go near to detrude him out of his Sphere , and with the Homerick Chain will be like to hang up the Intelligences , Gods , Heavens , Demons , Heroes , Devils , Earth and Sea together with the other Elements . Saturn no doubt combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed World into a Chaos of Confusion .

Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other Planets ; he would scorn to be any longer their Camillus , as he was of old termed in the Hetrurian Tongue ; for it is to be imagined that he is no way a Debtor to them .

Venus will be no more Venerable , because she shall have lent nothing . The Moon will remain bloody and obscure : For to what end should the Sun impart unto her any of his Light ? He owed her nothing . Nor yet will the Sun shine upon the Earth , nor the Stars send down any good Influence , because the Terrestrial Globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted Nourishment by Vapours and Exhalations , wherewith Heraclitus said the Stoicks proved Cicero maintained they were cherished and alimented . There would likeways be in such a World no manner of Symbolization , Alteration , nor Transmutation amongst the Elements ; for the one will not esteem it self obliged to the other , as having borrowed nothing at all from it . Earth then will not become Water , Water will not be changed into Air , of Air will be made no Fire , and Fire will afford no Heat unto the Earth ; the Earth will produce nothing but Monsters , Titans , Giants ; no Rain will descend upon it , nor Light shine thereon ; no Wind will blow there , nor will there be in it any Summer or Harvest . Lu●●fer will break loose , and issuing forth of the depth of Hell , accompanied with his Furies , Fiends and Horned Devils , will go about to unnestle and drive out of Heaven all the Gods , as well of the greater as of the lesser Nations . Such a World without lending , will be no better than a Dog-kennel , a place of Contention and Wrangling , more unruly and irregular than that of the Rector of Paris ; a Devil of an Hurly-burly , and more disordered Confusion , than that of the Plagues of Douay . Men will not then salute one another ; it will be but lost labour to expect Aid or Succour from any , or to cry , Fire , Water , Murther , for none will put to their helping Hand . Why ? He lent no Money , there is nothing due to him . No body is concerned in his Burning , in his Shipwrack , in his Ruine , or in his Death ; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing , and would never thereafter have lent any thing . In short , Faith , Hope and Charity would be quite banish'd from such a World ; for Men are born to relieve and assist one another ; and in their stead should succeed and be introduced Defiance , Disdain and Rancour , with the most execrable Troop of all Evils , all Imprecations and all Miseries . Whereupon you will think , and that not amiss , that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky Bottle . Men unto Men will be Wolves , Hobthrushers and Goblins , ( as were Lycaon , Bellorophon , Nebuchodonosor ) Plunderers , High-way Robbers , Cut-throats , Rapperees , Murtherers , Payloners , Assassinators , lewd , wicked , malevolent , pernicious Haters , set against every body , like to Ismael , Metabus , or Timon the Athenian , who for that cause was named Misanthropos ; in such sort , that it would prove much more easie in Nature to have Fish entertained in the Air , and Bullocks fed in the bottom of the Ocean , than to support or tolerate a rascally Rabble of People that will not Lend . These Fellows ( I vow ) do I hate with a perfect Hatred ; and if conform to the pattern of this grievous , peevish and perverse World which lendeth nothing , you figure and liken the little World , which is Man , you will find in him a terrible justling Coyle and Clutter : The Head will not lend the sight of his Eyes to guide the Feet and Hands ; the Legs will refuse to bear up the Body ; the Hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the Members ; the Heart will be weary of its continual Motion for the beating of the Pulse , and will no longer lend his Assistance ; the Lungs will withdraw the use of their Bellows ; the Liver will desist from convoying any more Blood through the Veins for the good of the whole ; the Bladder will not be indebted to the Kidneys , so that the Urine thereby will be totally stopped . The Brains , in the interim , considering this unnatural course , will fall into a raving Dotage , and with-hold all feeling from the Sinews , and Motion from the Muscles : Briefly , in such a World without Order and Array , owing nothing , lending nothing , and borrowing nothing , you would see a more dangerous Conspiration than that which Esope exposed in his Apologue . Such a World will perish undoubtedly ; and not only perish , but perish very quickly . Were it Asculapius himself , his Body would immediately rot , and the chafing Soul full of Indignation take its Flight to all the Devils of Hell after my Money .

CHAP. IV. Panurge continueth his Discourse in the praise of Borrowers and Lenders .

ON the contrary , be pleased to represent unto your Fancy another World , wherein every one lendeth , and every one oweth , all are Debtors , and all Creditors . O how great will that Harmony be , which shall thereby result from the regular Motions of the Heavens ! Methinks I hear it every whit as well as ever Plato did . What Sympathy will there be amongst the Elements ? O how delectable then unto Nature will be our own Works and Productions ? Whilst Ceres appeareth loaden with Corn , Bacchus with Wines , Flora with Flowers , Pomona with Fruits , and Iuno fair in a clear Air , wholsom and pleasant : I lose my self in this high Contemplation .

Then will among the Race of Mankind Peace , Love , Benevolence , Fidelity , Tranquility , Rest , Banquets , Feastings , Joy , Gladness , Gold , Silver , single Money , Chains , Rings , with other Ware , and Chaffer of that nature be found to trot from hand to hand ; no Suits at Law , no Wars , no Strife , Debate , nor wrangling ; none will be there an Usurer , none will be there a Pinch-penny , a Scrape-good Wretch , or churlish hard-hearted Refuser . Good God! Will not this be the Golden Age in the Reign of Saturn ? The true Idea of the Olympick Regions , wherein all Vertues cease ; Charity alone ruleth , governeth , domineereth and triumpheth ? All will be fair and goodly People there , all just and vertuous .

O happy World ! O People of that World most happy ! Yea , thrice and four times blessed is that People ! I think in very deed that I am amongst them , and swear to you , by my good Forsooth , that if this glorious aforesaid World had a Pope , abounding with Cardinals , that so he might have the Association of a Sacred Colledge , in the space of very few years you should be sure to see the Sancts much thicker in the Roll , more numerous , wonder-working and mirifick , more Services , more Vows , more Staves and Wax-Candles than are all those in the Nine Bishopricks of Britany , St. Yves only excepted . Consider ( Sir ) I pray you , how the noble Patelin , having a mind to Deity , and extol even to the Third Heavens the Father of William Iosseaume , said no more but this , And he did lend his Goods to those who were desirous of them .

O the fine Saying ! Now let our Microcosm be fancied conform to this Model in all its Members ; lending , borrowing and owing , ( that is to say ) according to its own Nature : For Nature hath not to any other end created Man , but to owe , borrow and lend ; no greater is the Harmony amongst the Heavenly Spheres , than that which shall be found in its well-ordered Policy . The Intention of the Founder of this Microcosm is , to have a Soul therein to be entertained , which is lodged there , as a Guest with its Host , it may live there for a while . Life consisteth in Blood , Blood is the Seat of the Soul ; therefore the chiefest Work of the Microcosm , is , to be making Blood continually .

At this Forge are exercised all the Members of the Body ; none is exempted from Labour , each operates apart , and doth its proper Office . And such is their Hierarchy , that perpetually the one borrows from the other , the one lends the other , and the one is the others Debtor . The stuff and matter convenient which Nature giveth to be turned into Blood is Bread and Wine . All kind of nourishing Victuals is understood to be comprehended in these two , and from hence in the Gothish Tongue is called Companage . To find out this Meat and Drink , to prepare and boil it , the Hands are put to Work , the Feet do walk and bear up the whole Bulk of the Corporal Mass ; the Eyes guide and conduct all ; the Appetite in the Orifice of the Stomach , by means of little sowrish black Humour ( called Melancholy ) which is transmitted thereto from the Milt , giveth warning to shut in the Food . The Tongue doth make the first Essay , and tastes it ; the Teeth do chaw it , and the Stomach doth receive , digest and chylifie it ; the Mesaraick Veins suck out of it what is good and fit , leaving behind the Excrements , which are , through special Conduits for that purpose , voided by an expulsive Faculty ; thereafter it is carried to the Liver , where it being changed again , it by the vertue of that new Transmutation becomes Blood . What Joy , conjecture you , will then be found amongst those Officers , when they see this Rivolet of Gold , which is their sole Restorative ? No greater is the Joy of Alchimists , when after long Travel , Toil and Expence , they see in their Furnaces the Transmutation : Then is it that every Member doth prepare it self , and strive a-new to purifie and to refine this Treasure . The Kidneys through the emulgent Veins draw that Aquosity from thence which you call Urine , and there send it away through the Ureters to be slipt downwards ; where , in a lower Recepticle , and proper for it , ( to wit , the Bladder ) it is kept , and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due time . The Spleen draweth from the Blood its Terrestrial part , viz. The Grounds , Lees or thick Substance setled in the bottom thereof , which you term Melancholy : The Bottle of the Gall substracts from thence all the superfluous Choler ; whence it is brought to another Shop or Work-house to be yet better purified and fined , that is , the Heart , which by its agitation of Diastolick and Systolick Motions so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it , that in the right side Ventricle it is brought to perfection , and through the Veins is sent to all the Members ; each parcel of the Body draws it then unto its self , and after its own fashion is cherished and alimented by it : Feet , Hands , Thighs , Arms , Eyes , Ears , Back , Breast , yea , all ; and then it is , that who before were Lenders , now become Debtors . The Heart doth in its left side Ventricle so thinnifie the Blood , that it thereby obtains the Name of Spiritual ; which being sent through the Arteries to all the Members of the Body , serveth to warm and winnow the other Blood which runneth through the Veins : The Lights never cease with its Lappets and Bellows to cool and refresh it ; in acknowledgment of which good the Heart through the Arterial Vein imparts unto it the choicest of its Blood : At last it is made so fine and subtle within the Rete Mirabilis , that thereafter those Animal Spirits are framed and composed of it ; by means whereof the Imagination , Discourse , Judgment , Resolution , Deliberation , Ratrocination and Memory have their Rise , Actings and Operations .

Cops body , I sink , I drown , I perish , I wander astray , and quite fly out of my self , when I enter into the Consideration of the profound Abyss of this World , thus lending , thus owing . Believe me , it is a Divine thing to lend , to owe an Heroick Vertue . Yet is not this all ; this little World thus lending , owing and borrowing , is so good and charitable , that no sooner is the above-specified Alimentation finished , but that it forthwith projecteth , and hath already forecast , how it shall lend to those who are not as yet born , and by that Loan endeavour , what it may , to eternize it self , and multiply in Images like the Pattern , that is , Children . To this end every Member hath of the choicest and most precious of its Nourishment , pare and cut off a Portion , then instantly dispatcheth it downwards to that place , where Nature hath prepared for it very fit Vessels and Receptacles , through which descending to the Genitories by long Ambages , Circuits and Flexuosities , it receiveth a competent Form , and Rooms apt enough both in the Man and Woman for the future Conservation and perpetuating of Humane kind . All this is done by Loans and Debts of the one unto the other ; and hence have we this word , the Debt of Marriage . Nature doth reckon Pain to the Refuser , with a most grievous Vexation to his Members , and an outragious Fury amidst his Senses . But on the other part , to the Lender a set Reward , accompanied with Pleasure , Joy , Solace , Mirth and merry Glee .

CHAP. V. How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the Debtors and Borrowers .

I Understand you very well , ( quoth Pantagruel ) and take you to be very good at Topicks , and throughly affectioned to your own Cause : But preach it up , and patrocinate it ; prattle on it , and defend it as much as you will , even from hence to the next Whitsuntide , if you please so to do , yet in the end will you be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all upon me , nor perswaded me by your fair Speeches and smooth Talk to enter never so little into the Thraldom of Debt . You shall owe to none ( saith the Holy Apostle ) any thing save Love , Friendship and a mutual Benevolence .

You serve me here , I confess , with fine Graphides and Diatyposes , Descriptions and Figures , which truly please me very well : But let me tell you , if you will represent unto your Fancy an impudent blustering Bully and an importunate Borrower , entring afresh and newly into a Town already advertised of his Manners , you shall find that at his Ingress the Citizens will be more hideously affrighted and amazed , and in a greater terror and fear , dread and trembling , than if the Pest it self should step into it in the very same Garb and Accoutrement wherein the Tyanaean Philosopher found it within the City of Ephesus . And I am fully confirmed in the Opinion , that the Persians erred not , when they said , That the Second Vice was to Lie , the first being that of owing Money . For in very truth , Debts and Lying are ordinarily joyned together . I will nevertheless not from hence infer , that none must owe any thing , or lend any thing . For who so rich can be , that sometimes may not owe ; or who can be so poor , that sometimes may not lend ?

Let the occasion notwithstanding in that case ( as Plato very wisely sayeth , and ordaineth in his Laws ) be such , that none be permitted to draw any Water out of his Neighbour's Well , until first , they by continual digging and delving into their own proper Ground , shall have hit upon a kind of Potters Earth , which is called Ceramite , and there had found no source or drop of Water ; for that sort of Earth , by reason of its Substance , which is fat , strong , firm and close ; so retaineth its Humidity , that it doth not easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation .

In good sooth , it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing in all places from every one , than to work and win . Then only in my Judgment should one lend , when the diligent , toiling and industrious Person is no longer able by his labour to make any Purchase unto himself , or otherwise , when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected loss of his Goods .

Howsoever let us leave this Discourse , and from henceforwards do not hang upon Creditors , nor tie your self to them ; I make account for the time past to rid you freely of them , and from their Bondage to deliver you . The least I should in this point , ( quoth Panurge ) is to thank you , though it be the most I can do : And if Gratitude and Thanksgiving be to be estimated and prized by the Affection of the Benefactor , that is to be done infinitely and sempiternally ; for the love which you bear me of your own accord and free Grace , without any merit of mine , goeth far beyond the reach of any price or value ; it transcends all weight , all number , all measure , it is endless and everlasting ; therefore should I offer to commensurate and adjust it , either to the size and proportion of your own noble and gracious Deeds , or yet to the Contentment and Delight of the obliged Receivers , I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly . You have verily done me a great deal of good , and multiplied your Favours on me more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition . You have been more bountiful towards me than I have deserved , and your Courtesies have by far surpassed the extent of my merits , I must needs confess it . But it is not , as you suppose , in the proposed matter : For there it is not where I itch , it is not there where it fretteth , hurts or vexeth me ; for henceforth being quit and out of Debt , what Countenance will I be able to keep ? You may imagine that it will become me very ill , for the first month , because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it , I am very much afraid of it . Furthermore , there shall not one hereafter , Native of the Country of Salmigondy , but he shall level the Shot towards my Nose ; all the back-cracking Fellows of the World , in discharging of their Postern Petarades , use commonly to say , Voila pour les quitters ; that is , For the quit . My Life will be of very short continuance , I do foresee it , I recommend to you the making of my Epitaph ; for I perceive I will die confected in the very stinch of Farts . If at any time to come , by way of restorative to such good Women as shall happen to be troubled with the grievous pain of the Wind-Cholick , the ordinary Medicaments prove nothing effectual , the Mummy of all my befarted Body will streight be as a present Remedy appointed by the Physicians ; whereof they taking any small Modicum , it will incontinently for their Ease afford them a Rattle of Bum-shot , like a Sal of Muskets .

Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few Centuries of Debts ; as King Louis the Eleventh , exempting from Suits in Law the Reverend Milles d' Illiers , Bishop of Chartre , was by the said Bishop most earnestly sollicited to leave him some few for the Exercise of his mind . I had rather give them all my Revenue of the Periwinkles , together with the other Incomes of the Locusts , albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated from off the principal Sums which I owe. Let us wave this matter ( quoth Pantagruel ) I have told it you over again .

CHAP. VI. Why new Married Men were priviledged from going to the Wars .

BUT , in the Interim , asked Panurge , by what Law was it constituted , ordained and established , that such as should plant a new Vineyard , those that should build a new House , and the new married Men should be exempted and discharged from the Duty of Warfare for the first year ? By the Law ( answered Pantagruel ) of Moyses . Why ( replyed Panurge ) the lately married ? As for the Vine-Planters , I am now too old to reflect on them ; my Condition , at this present , induceth me to remain satisfied with the care of Vintage , finishing and turning the Grapes into Wine : Nor are these pretty new Builders of Dead Stones written or pricked down in my Book of Life ; it is all with Live Stones that I set up , and erect the Fabricks of my Architecture , to wit , Men. It was ( according to my Opinion , quoth Pantagruel ) to the end , First , That the fresh married Folks should for the first year reap a full and compleat Fruition of their Pleasures in their mutual exercise of the act of Love , in such sort , that in waiting more at leisure on the production of Posterity , and propagating of their Progeny , they might the better encrease their Race , and make Provision of new Heirs . That if in the years thereafter the Men should , upon their undergoing of some Military Adventure , happen to be killed , their Names and Coats of Arms might continue with their Children in the same Families : And next that , the Wives thereby , coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful ( for one years Trial , in regard of the maturity of Age , wherein ; of old , they married , was held sufficient for the Discovery ) they might pitch the more suitably , in case of their first Husbands Decease , upon a Second Match . The fertile Women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their Issue ; and the steril ones to such other Mates , as misregarding the storing of their own Lineage , choose them only for their Vertues , Learning , Genteel Behaviour , Domestick Consolation , management of the House , and Matrimonial Conveniences and Comforts , and such like . The Preacher of Varennes ( saith Panarge ) detest and abhor the Second Marriages , as altogether foolish and dishonest .

Foolish and dishonest , ( quoth Pantagruel ) a plague take such Preachers ! Yea but ( quoth Panurge ) the like Mischief also befal the Friar , Charmer , who in a full Auditory , making a Sermon at Perille , and therein abominating the Reiteration of Marriage , and the entring again in the Bonds of a Nuptial Tie , did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest Devil in Hell , if he had not rather choose , and would much more willingly undertake the unmaidning or depucelating of a hundred Virgins , than the simple Drudgery of one Widow . Truly I find your Reason in that point right good , and strongly grounded .

But what would you think , if the Cause why this Exemption or Immunity was granted , had no other Foundation , but that , during the whole space of the said first year , they so lustily bobbed it with their Female Consorts , ( as both Reason and Equity require they should do ) that they had drained and evacuated their Spermatick Vessels ; and were become thereby altogether feeble , weak , emasculated , drooping and flaggingly pithless ; yea , in such sort , that they in the day of Battel , like Ducks which plunge over Head and Ears , would sooner hide themselves behind the Baggage than in the Company of valiant Fighters and daring Military Combatants , appear where stern Bellona deals her Blows , and moves a bustling Noise of Thwacks and Thumps . Nor is it to be thought that under the Standard of Mars they will so much as once strike a fair Stroke , because their most considerable Knocks have been already jerked and whirrited within the Curtines of his Sweet-heart Venus .

In confirmation whereof , amongst other Relicks and Monuments of Antiquity , we now as yet often see , that in all great Houses , after the expiring of some few days , these young married Blades are readily sent away to visit their Uncles , that in the Absence of their Wives , reposing themselves a little , they may recover their decayed Strength by the Recruit of a fresh Supply , the more vigorous to return again , and face about to renew the dueling Shock and Conflict of an amorous Dalliance : Albeit ( for the greater part ) they have neither Uncle nor Aunt to go to .

Just so did the King Crackart , after the Battle of the Cornets , not cashier us , ( speaking properly ) I mean me and the Quailecaller , but for our Refreshment remanded us to our Houses ; and he is as yet seeking after his own . My Grandfathers Godmother was wont to say to me when I was a Boy , Patonisters & Oraisons Sont pour ceux-la qui les retiennent . Un fiffre en frenaisons Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent . Not Orisons nor Patrenotres Shall ever disorder my Brain . One Cadet , to the Field as he flutters , Is worth two when they end the Campagn .

That which prompteth me to that Opinion , is , that the Vine-Planters did seldom eat of the Grapes , or drink of the Wine of their Labour , till the first year was wholly elapsed : During all which time also the Builders did hardly inhabit their new structured Dwelling places , for fear of dying suffocated through want of Respiration ; as Galen hath most learnedly remarked , in the Second Book of the Difficulty of Breathing . Under favour , Sir , I have not asked this Question without Cause causing , and Reason truly very ratiocinant . Be not offended I pray you .

CHAP. VII . How Panurge had a Flea in his Ear , and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent Codpiece .

PAnurge the day thereafter , caused pierce his right Ear , after the Pewish Fashion , and thereto clasped a little Gold Ring , of a Fearny-like kind of Workmanship , in the Beazil or Collet whereof was set and inchased a Flea ; and to the end you may be rid of all Doubts , you are to know that the Flea was black . O what a brave thing it is , in every case and circumstance of a matter , to be throughly well informed ! The Sum of the Expence hereof , being cast up , brought in , and laid down upon his Council-board Carpet , was found to amount to no more quarterly than the Charge of the Nuptials of a Hircanian Tigress ; even as you would say 600000 Maravedis . At these vast Costs and excessive Disbursements , as soon as he perceived himself to be out of Debt , he fretted much ; and afterwards , as Tyrants and Lawyers use to do , he nourish'd and fed her with the Sweat and Blood of his Subjects and Clients .

He then took four French Ells of a course brown Russet Cloth , and therein apparelling himself , as with a long , plain-seemed and single-stitched Gown , left off the wearing of his Breeches , and tied a pair of Spectacles to his Cap. In this Equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel ; to whom this Disguise appeared the more strange , that he did not , as before , see that goodly , fair and stately Codpiece , which was the sole Anchor of Hope , wherein he was wonted to rely , and last Refuge he had 'midst all the Waves and boysterous Billows , which a stormy Cloud in a cross Fortune would raise up against him . Honest Pantagruel , not understanding the Mystery , asked him by way of interrogatory , what he did intend to personate in that new-fangled Prosopopeia ? I have ( answered Panurge ) a Flea in mine Ear , and have a mind to marry . In a good time ( quoth Pantagruel ) you have told me joyful Tidings ; yet would not I hold a red hot Iron in my hand for all the Gladness of them . But it is not the fashion of Lovers to be accoutred in such dangling Vestments , so as to have their Shirts flagging down over their Knees , without Breeches , and with a long Robe of a dark brown mingled Hue , which is a Colour never used , in Talarian Garments amongst any Persons of Honour , Quality or Vertue . If some Heretical Persons and Schismatical Sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and cloathed , ( though many have imputed such a kind of Dress to Cosenage , Cheat , Imposture , and an Affectation of Tyranny upon credulous Minds of the rude Multitude ) I will nevertheless not blame them for it , nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously of them ; every one overflowingly aboundeth in his own Sense and Fancy : Yea , in things of a Foreign Consideration , altogether extrinsical and indifferent , which in and of themselves are neither commendable nor bad , because they proceed not from the Interior of the Thoughts and Heart , which is the Shop of all Good and Evil. Of Goodness , if it be upright , and that its Affections be regulated by the pure and clean Spirit of Righteousness ; and on the other side , of Wickedness , if its Inclinations , straying beyond the bounds of Equity be corrupted and depraved by the Malice and Suggestions of the Devil . It is only the Novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike , together with the Contempt of common Custom , and the Fashion which is in use .

The Colour ( answered Panurge ) is convenient , for it is conform to that of my Council-Board Carpet , therefore will I henceforth hold me with it , and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done , look to my Affairs and Business . Seeing I am once out of Debt , you never yet saw Man more unpleasing then I will be , if God help me not . Lo here be my Spectacles . To see me afar off , you would readily say , that it were Fryar Burgess . I believe certainly , that in the next ensuing Year , I shall once more preach the Croisade , Bounce Buckram . Do you see this Russet ? doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid Property and occult Vertue , known to very few in the World . I did not take it on before this Morning ; and nevertheless , am already in a rage of Lust , mad after a Wife , and vehemently hot upon untying the Codpiece-point , I itch , I tingle , I wriggle , and long exceedingly to be married ; that without the danger of Cudgel-blows , I may labour my Female Copes-mate with the hard push of a Bull-horned Devil . O the provident and thrifty Husband that I then will be ! After my Death , with all Honour and Respect due to my Frugality , will they burn the Sacred Bulk of my Body , of purpose to preserve the Ashes thereof , in memory of the choicest Pattern that ever was , of a perfectly wary , and compleat Housholder . Cops-body , this is not the Carpet whereon my Treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his Accompts with me , by setting down an X for an V , or an L for an S ; for in that case , should I make a hail of Fifti-cuffs to fly into his face . Look upon me ( Sir ) both before and behind , it is made after the manner of a Toge , which was the ancient fashion of the Romans in time of Peace . I took the Mode , Shape , and Form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome , as also in the Triumphant Arch of Septimus Severus . I am tired of the Wars , weary of wearing Buff-coats , Cassocks , and Hoquetons . My Shoulders are pitifully worn , and bruised with the carrying of Harness ; let Armour cease , and the Long Robe bear sway : at least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding Years . If I be married as yesterday , by the Mosaick Law , you evidenced , in what concerneth the Breeches : my great Aunt Laurence did long ago tell me , that the Breeches were only ordained for the use of the Codpiece , and to no other end ; which I , upon a no less forcible consequence , give Credit to , every whit as well , as to the Saying of the fine Fellow Galen , who in his Ninth Book Of the Use , and Employment of our Members , alledgeth , That the Head was made for the Eyes : for Nature might have placed our Heads in our Knees or Elbows , but having before-hand determined that the Eyes should serve to discover things from afar , she for the better enabling them to execute their designed Office , fixed them in the Head ( as on the top of a long Pole ) in the most eminent part of all the Body : no otherwise then we see the Phares , or high Towers erected in the Mouths of Havens , that Navigators may the further off perceive with ease the Lights of the nightly Fires and Lanterns . And because I would gladly , for some short while ( a Year at least ) take a little rest and breathing-time from the toylsome Labour of the Military Profession ; that is to say , be married , I have desisted from wearing any more a Codpiece , and consequently have laid aside my Breeches : for the Codpiece is the principal and most especial Piece of Armour that a Warriour doth carry ; and therefore do I maintain even to the Fire ( exclusively , understand you me ) that no Turks can properly be said to be armed Men , in regard that Codpieces are by their Law forbidden to be worn .

CHAP. VIII . Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief piece of Armour amongst Warriours .

WIll you maintain ( quoth Pantagruel ) that the Codpiece is the chief piece of a Military Harness ? It is a new kind of Doctrine very paradoxical : for we say at Spurs begins the arming of a Man . Sir , I maintain it , ( answered Panurge ) and not wrongfully do I maintain it . Behold how Nature having a fervent desire after its Production of Plants , Trees , Shrubs , Herbs , Sponges , and plant Animals , to eternize , and continue them unto all Succession of Ages ( in their several Kinds , or Sorts at least , although the Individuals perish ) unruinable , and in an everlasting Being , hath most curiously armed and fenced their Buds , Sprouts , Shutes , and Seeds , wherein the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth , by strengthning , covering , guarding , and fortifying them with an admirable industry , with Husks , Cases , Scurfs , and Swads , Hulls , Cods , Stones , Films , Cartels , Shells , Ears , Rinds , Barks , Skins , Ridges , and Prickles , which serve them instead of strong , fair , and natural Codpieces : as is manifestly apparent in Pease , Beans , Fasels , Pomegranates , Peaches , Cottons , Gourds , Pumpions , Melons , Corn , Lemons , Almonds , Walnuts , Filberts , and Chestnuts ; as likewise in all Plants , Slips , or Sets whatsoever , wherein it is plainly and evidently seen , that the Sperm and Semenae is more closely veiled , overshadowed , corroborated , and throughly harnessed than any other part , portion , or parcel of the whole .

Nature nevertheless did not after that manner provide for the sempiternizing of Human Race : but on the contrary created Man naked , tender , and frail , without either offensive or defensive Arms ; and that in the Estate of Innocence , in the first Age of all , which was the Golden Season ; not as a Plant , but living Creature , born for Peace , not War , and brought forth into the World with an unquestionable Right and Title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all Fruits and Vegetables ; as also to a certain calm and gentle Rule and Dominion over all Kinds of Beasts , Fowls , Fishes , Reptils , and Insects . Yet afterwards it hapning in the time of the Iron Age , under the Reign of Iupiter , when to the multiplication of mischievous Actions , wickedness and malice began to take root and footing within the then perverted Hearts of Men , that the Earth began to bring forth Nettles , Thistles , Thorns , Bryars , and such other stubborn and rebellious Vegetables to the Nature of Man ; nor scarce was there any Animal , which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him , and tacitly conspire , and covenant with one another to serve him no longer , ( nor in case of their ability to resist ) to do him any manner of Obedience , but rather ( to the uttermost of their power ) to annoy him with all the hurt and harm they could . The Man then , that he might maintain his primimitive Right and Prerogative , and continue his Sway and Dominion over all , both Vegetable and Sensitive Creatures ; and knowing of a truth , that he could not be well accommodated as he ought , without the servitude and subjection of several Animals , bethought himself , that of necessity he must needs put on Arms , and make provision of Harness against Wars and Violence . By the holy Saint Babingoose , ( cried out Pantagruel ) you are become , since the last Rain , a great Lifre lofre , Philosopher , I should say . Take Notice , Sir , ( quoth Panurge ) when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own Arming , what part of the Body it was , where , by her Inspiration , he clapped on the first Harness : It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little Dog the Ballock , and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando , which done , he was content , and sought no more . This is certified by the Testimony of the great Hebrew Captain Philosopher Moyses , who affirmeth , That he fenced that Member with a brave and gallant Codpiece , most exquisitely framed , and by right curious Devices of a notably pregnant Invention , made up and composed of Fig-tree-leaves , which by reason of their solid stiffness , incisory notches , curled frisling , sleeked smoothness , large ampleness , together with their colour , smell , vertue , and faculty , were exceeding proper , and fit for the covering and arming of the Sachels of Generation , the hideously big Lorram Cullions being from thence only excepted ; which swaggring down to the lowermost bottom of the Breeches , cannot abide ( for being quite out of all order and method ) the stately fashion of the high and lofty Codpiece ; as is manifest , by the Noble Valentin Viardiere , whom I found at Nancie , on the First Day of May ( the more flauntingly to gallantrize it afterwards ) rubbing his Ballocks , spread out upon a Table after the manner of a Spanish Cloak . Wherefore it is , that none should henceforth say , who would not speak improperly , when any Country-Bumpkin hyeth to the Wars , Have a care , ( my Roysters , of the Wine-pot , that is the Scull , but have a care ( my Royster ) of the Milk-pot ; that is , the Testicles . By the whole Rabble of the horned Fiends of Hell , the Head being cut off , that single Person only thereby dieth : but if the Ballocks be marred , the whole Race of Humane Kind would forthwith perish , and be lost for ever .

This was the motive which incited the goodly Writer Galen , Lib. 1. De Spermate , to aver with boldness , That it were better ( that is to say , a less evil ) to have no Heart at all , than to be quite destitute of Genitories : for there is laid up , conserved , and put in store , as in a Secessive Repository , and Sacred Warehouse , the Semenae , and Original Source of the whole Off-spring of Mankind . Therefore would I be apt to believe , for less than a hundred Franks , that those are the very same Stones , by means whereof Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the Humane Race , in peopling with Men and Women the World , which a little before that , had been drowned in the overflowing Waves of a Poetical Deluge . This stirred up the valiant Iustinian , L. 1.4 . De Cagotis tollendis , to collocate his Summum Bonum , in Braguibus , & Braguetis . For this , and other Causes , the Lord Humphry de Merville , following of his King to a certain Warlike Expedition , whilst he was in trying upon his own Person a new Suit of Armour , for of his old rusty Harness he could make no more use , by reason that some few Years since , the Skin of his Belly was a great way removed from his Kidneys , his Lady thereupon in the profound musing of a contemplative Spirit , very maturely considering that he had but small care of the Staff of Love , and Packet of Marriage , seeing he did no otherways arm that part of the Body , then with Links of Mail , advised him to shield , fence , and gabionate it with a big tilting Helmet , which she had lying in her Closet , to her otherways utterly unprofitable . On this Lady was penned these subsequent Verses ; which are extant in the Third Book of the Shi●brana of paultry Wenches . When Yoland saw her Spouse , equipt for Fight , And , save the Codpiece , all in Armour dight , My Dear , she cry'd , Why , pray , of all the rest Is that expos'd , you know I love the best ? Was she to blame for an ill-manag'd fear ? Or rather pious , conscionable Care : Wise Lady , She ! in hurly-burly Fight , Can any tell where random Blows may hit ? Leave off then ( Sir ) from being astonished , and wonder no more at this new manner of decking and trimming up of my self as you now see me .

CHAP. IX . How Panurge asketh Counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry , Yea , or No.

TO this Pantagruel replying nothing , Panurge prosecuted the Discourse he had already broached , and therewithal fetching , as far from the bottom of his Heart , a very deep sigh , said , My Lord and Master , you have heard the Design I am upon , which is to marry , if by some disastrous mischance , all the Holes in the World be not shut up , stopped , closed , and bush'd . I humbly beseech you for the Affection which of a long time you have born me , to give me your best Advice therein . Then ( answered Pantagruel ) seeing you have so decreed , taken deliberation thereon , and that the matter is fully determined , what need is there of any further Talk thereof , but forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved . Yea , but ( quoth Panurge ) I would be loath to act any thing therein without your Counsel had thereto . It is my Judgment also ( quoth Pantagruel ) and I advise you to it . Nevertheless ( quoth Panurge ) if I understood aright that it were much better for me to remain a Batchellor as I am , than to run headlong upon new hair-brain'd Undertakings of Conjugal Adventure , I would rather choose not to marry , quoth Pantagruel . Then do not marry . Yea , but ( quoth Panurge ) would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole Course of my Life , without the Comfort of a Matrimonial Consort ? You know it is written , Vae soli , and a single Person is never seen to reap the Joy and Solace that is found with married Folks . Then marry , in the Name of God , quoth Pantagruel . But if ( quoth Panurge ) my Wife should make me a Cuckold ; as it is not unknown unto you , how this hath been a very plentiful Year in the production of that kind of Cattel ; I would fly out , and grow impatient , beyond all measure and mean . I love Cuckolds with my Heart , for they seem unto me to be of a right honest Conversation , and I , truly , do very willingly frequent their Company : but should I die for it , I would not be one of their number , that is a Point for me of a two-sore prickling Point . Then do not marry ( quoth Pantagruel ) for without all controversie , this Sentence of Seneca is infallibly true , What thou to others shalt have done , others will do the like to thee . Do you ( quoth Panurge ) aver that without all exceptions ? Yes , truly , ( quoth Pantagruel ) without all exception . Ho , ho ( says Panurge ) by the Wrath of a little Devil , his meaning is , either in this World , or in the other , which is to come . Yet seeing I can no more want a Wife , then a blind Man his Staff , the Funnel must be in agitation , without which manner of Occupation I cannot live . Were it not a great deal better for me to apply and associate my self to some one honest , lovely , and vertuous Woman , then ( as I do ) by a new change of Females every Day , run a hazard of being Bastinadoed , or ( which is worse ) of the Great Pox , if not of both together : For never ( be it spoken , by their Husbands leave and favour ) had I enjoyment yet of an honest Woman . Marry then in God's Name , quoth Pantagruel . But if ( quoth Panurge ) it were the Will of God , and that my Destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest Woman who should beat me , I would be stor'd with more than two third parts of the Patience of Iob , if I were not stark mad by it , and quite distracted with such rugged Dealings : for it hath been told me , that those exceeding honest Women have ordinarily very wicked Head-pieces ; therefore is it that their Family lacketh not for good Vinegar . Yet in that case should it go worse with me , if I did not then in such sort bang her Back and Breast , so thumpingly bethwack her Gillets , to wit , her Arms , Legs , Head , Lights , Liver , and Milt , with her other Intrails , and mangle , jag , and slash her Coats , so after the Cross billet fashion , that the greatest Devil of Hell should wait at the Gate for the reception of her damned Soul . I could make a shift for this Year to wave such molestation and disquiet , and be content to lay aside that trouble , and not to be engaged in it .

Do not marry then , answered Pantagruel . Yea , but ( quoth Panurge ) considering the Condition wherein I now am , out of Debt and Unmarried ; mark what I say , free from all Debt , in an ill hour ( for were I deeply on the Score , my Creditors would be but too careful of my Paternity ) but being quit , and not married , no Body will be so regardful of me , or carry towards me a Love like that which is said to be in a Conjugal Affection . And if by some mishap I should fall sick , I would be lookt to very waywardly . The wise Man saith , Where there is no Woman ( I mean the Mother of a Family , and Wife in the Union of a lawful Wedlock ) the Crazy and Diseased are in danger of being ill used , and of having much brabling and strife about them : as by clear Experience hath been made apparent in the Persons of Popes , Legates , Cardinals ▪ Bishops , Abbots , Priors , Priests and Monks : but there , assure your self , you shall not find me . Marry then in the Name of God , answered Pantagruel . But if ( quoth Panurge ) being ill at ease , and possibly thrô that Distemper , made unable to discharge the Matrimonial Duty that is incumbent to an active Husband , my Wife , impatient of that drooping Sickness , and faint Fits , of a pining Languishment , should abandon and prostitute herself to the Embraces of another Man , and not only then not help and assist me in my extremity and need , but withal f●out at , and make sport of that my grievous Distress and Calamity ; or peradventure , ( which is worse ) imbezzle my Goods , and steal from me , as I have seen it oftentimes befal unto the lot of many other Men , it were enough to undo me utterly , to fill brimfull the Cup of my Misfortune , and make me play the Mad-pate Reeks of Bedlam . Do not marry then ( quoth Pantagruel ) . Yea , but ( saith Panurge ) I shall never by any other means come to have lawful Sons and Daughters , in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my Name and Arms , and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my Inheritances and purchased Goods , ( of which latter sort you need not doubt , but that in some one or other of these Mornings , I will make a fair and goodly show ) that so I may chear up and make merry , when otherways I should be plunged into a pievish sullen Mood of pensive sullenness , as I do perceive daily by the gentle and loving Carriage of your kind and gracious Father towards you ; as all honest Folks use to do at their own Homes , and private Dwelling-houses . For being free from Debt , and yet not married , if casually I should fret and be angry , although the cause of my Grief and Displeasure were never so just , I am afraid instead of Consolation , that I should meet with nothing else but Scoffs , Frumps , Gibes , and Mocks at my disastrous Fortune . Marry then in the Name of God , quoth Pantagruel .

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving Advice in the matter of Marriage ; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homerick and Virgilian Lotteries .

YOur Counsel ( quoth Panurge ) under your Correction and Favour , seemeth unto me not unlike to the Song of Gammer Yeabynay ; it is full of Sarcasms , Mockqueries , bitter Taunts , nipping Bobs , derisive Quips , biting Jerks , and contradictory Iterations , the one part destroying the other . I know not ( quoth Pantagruel ) which of all my Answers to lay hold on ; for your Proposals are so full of ifs and buts , that I can ground nothing on them , nor pitch upon any solid and positive Determination satisfactory to what is demanded by them . Are not you assured within your self of what you have a mind to ? the chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there ; all the rest is meerly casual , and totally dependeth upon the fatal Disposition of the Heavens .

We see some so happy in the fortune of this Nuptial Encounter , that their Family shineth ( as it were ) with the radiant Effulgency of an Idea , Model or Representation of the Joys of Paradice ; and perceive others again to be so unluckily match'd in the Conjugal Yoak , that those very basest of Devils , which tempt the Hermits that inhabit the Deserts of Thebaida and Montserrat , are not more miserable than they . It is therefore expedient , seeing you are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of Marriage , that , with shut Eyes , bowing your Head , and kissing the Ground , you put the business to a Venture , and give it a fair hazard in recommending the success of the residue to the disposure of Almighty God . It lieth not in my power to give you any other manner of Assurance , or otherways to certifie you of what shall ensue on this your Undertaking . Nevertheless ( if it please you ) this you may do , Bring hither Virgil's Poems , that after having opened the Book , and without Fingers sever'd the Leaves thereof three several times , we may , according to the number agreed upon betwixt our selves , explore the future Hap of your intended Marriage : For frequently , by a Homerick Lottery , have many hit upon their Destinies ; as is testified in the Person of Socrates , who , whilst he was in Prison , hearing the Recitation of this Verse of Homer said of Achilles , in the Ninth of the Iliads , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . We , the third day , to fertile Pthia came . Thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die : Of the truth whereof he assured Aschines , as Plato , in Critone ; Cicero , in primo de Divinatione ; Diogines Laertius , and others , have to the full recorded in their Works . The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus , to whom , being desirous to know if he should be the Roman Emperor , befell , by chance of Lot , this Sentence in the eighth of the Iliads , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Dotard , new Warriours urge thee to be gone . Thy Life decays , and old Age weighs thee down .

In Fact , he being then somewhat Ancient , had hardly enjoyed the Sovereignty of the Empire for the space of Fourteen Months , when by Heliogabulus ( then both young and strong ) he was disposess'd thereof , thrust out of all , and killed . Brutus also doth bear witness of another Experiment of this nature , who willing , through this exploratory way by Lot , to learn what the Event and Issue should be of the Pharsalian Battel , wherein he perished , he casually encountred on this Verse , said of Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Fate , and Latona's Son have shot me dead .

And accordingly Apollo was the Field-word in the dreadful Day of that Fight . Divers notable things of old have likeways been foretold and known by casting of Virgilian Lots ; yea , in matters of no less importance than the obtaining of the Roman Empire , as it happened to Alexander Severus , who trying his Fortune at the said kind of Lottery , did hit upon this Verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids , Tu regere imperio populos Romane momento . Know , Roman , that thy business is to Reign .

He within very few years thereafter was effectually and in good earnest created and installed Roman Emperor . A semblable Story thereto is related of Adrian , who being hughly perplexed within himself , out of a longing Humour to know in what Accompt he was with the Emperor Trajan , and how large the measure of that Affection was which he did bear unto him , had recourse after the manner above specified , to the Maronian Lottery , which by hap hazard tender'd him these Lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids , Quis procul ille autem ramis insignis olivae Sacra ferens ? nosco crines incanaque menta Regis Romani . But who is he , conspicuous from afar , With Olive Boughs , that doth his Offerings bear ? By the white Hair and Beard I know him plain , The Roman King . Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan , and succeeded to him in the Empire . Moreover to the Lot of the praise-worthy Emperor Claudius befel this Line of Virgil , written in the Sixth of his Aeneids , Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas , Whilst the third Summer saw him Reign , a King In Latium .

And in effect he did not Reign above two years . To the said Claudian also , enquiring concerning his Brother Quintilius , whom he proposed as a Colleague with himself in the Empire , hapned the Responce following in the sixth of the Aeneids , Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata . — Whom Fate let us see , And would no longer suffer him to be . And it so fell out ; for he was killed on the Seventeenth day after he had attained unto the management of the Emperial Charge . The very same Lot also , with the like misluck , did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger . To Claudius Albinus , being very sollicitous to understand somewhat of his future Adventures , did occur this Saying , which is written in the sixth of the Aeneids , Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu Sistet Eques , &c. The Romans boyling with tumultuous rage , This Warriour shall the dangerous Storm asswage : With Victories he the Carthaginian mawls , And with strong hand shall crush the Rebel Gauls .

Likeways when the Emperor D. Claudius , Aurelian's Predecessor ▪ did with great eagerness research after the Fate to come of his Posterity , his hap was to alight on this Verse in the first of the Aeneids , Hic ego nec metas rerum , nec tempore pono . No bounds are to be set , no limits here . Which was fulfilled by the goodly Genealogical Row of his Race . When Mr. Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial , if he should escape the Ambush of the Hobgoblins , who lay in wait all-to-bemawl him , he fell upon this Verse in the third of the Aeneids , , Hugh fuge credules terras , fuge Littus avarum ! Oh flee the bloody Land , the wicked Shoar ! Which Counsel he obeying , safe and sound forthwith avoided all these Ambuscades .

Were it not to shun Prolixity , I could enumerate a thousand such like Adventures , which conform to the Dictate and Verdict of the Verse , have by that manner of Lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious Researchers of them . Do not you nevertheless imagine , lest you should be deluded , that I would upon this kind of Fortune flinging Proof infer an uncontrolable , and not to be gainsaid Infallibility ▪ of Truth .

CHAP. XI . How Pantagruel sheweth the Trial of ones Fortune by the throwing of Dice to be unlawful .

IT would be sooner done ( quoth Panurge ) and more expeditely , if we should trie the matter at the chance of three fair Dice . ( Quoth Pantagruel ) that sort of Lottery is deceitful , abusive , illicitous , and exceedingly scandalous ; never trust in it ; the accursed Book of the Recreation of Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia near Bourre , by that ancient Enemy to Mankind , the Infernal Calumniator , who before the Statue or Massive Image of the Bourraick Hercules , did of old , and doth in several places of the World as yet , make many simple Souls to err and fall into his Snares . You know how my Father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his Kingdoms and Dominions ; how he hath caused burn the Moulds and Draughts thereof , and altogether suppressed , abolished , driven forth and cast it out of the Land , as a most dangerous Plague and Infection to any well-polished State or Commonwealth . What I have told you of Dice , I say the same of the Play at Cockall . It is a Lottery of the like Guile and Deceitfulness ; and therefore do not for convincing of me , alledge in opposition to this my Opinion , or bring in the Example of the fortunate Cast of Teberius , within the Fountain of Appona , at the Oracle of Gerion . These are the baited Hooks by which the Devil attracts and draweth unto him the foolish Souls of silly People into eternal Perdition .

Nevertheless to satisfie your Humour in some measure , I am content you throw three Dice upon this Table , that according to the number of the Blots which shall happen to be cast up , we may hit upon a Verse of that Page , which in the setting open of the Book you shall have pitched upon .

Have you any Dice in your Pocket ? A whole Bag full , answered Panurge , that is Provision against the Devil , as is expounded by Merlin Coccajus , Lib. 2. De Patria Diabolorum , the Devil would be sure to take me napping ; and very much at unawares , if he should find me without Dice . With this the three Dice being taken out , produced and thrown , they fell so pat upon the lower Points , that the Cast was Five , Six and Five . These are ( quoth Panurge ) Sixteen in all . Let us take the Sixteenth Line of the Page , the number pleaseth me very well ; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy Chance . May I be thrown amidst all the Devils of Hell , even as a great Bowl cast athwart at a Set of Nine Pins , or Cannon-ball shot among a Batalion of Foot , in case so many times I do not boult my future Wife the first Night of our Marriage . Of that , forsooth , I make no doubt at all : ( quoth Pantagruel ) You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid Imprecation , the sooner to procure Credit for the Performance of so small a business , seeing possibly the first Bout will be amiss , and that you know is usually at Tennis called Fifteen . At the next justling Turn you may readily amend that Fault , and so compleat your Reckoning of Sixteen . Is it so ( quoth Panurge ) that you understand the matter ? and must my Words be thus interpreted ? Nay , believe me , never yet was any Solecism committed by that valiant Champion , who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood Centry at the Hypogastrian Crany . Did you ever hitherto find me in the Confraternity of the Faulty ? Never , I trow ; never , nor ever shall , for ever and a day . I do the Feat like a goodly Friar , or Father Confessor without Default : And therein am I willing to be judged by the Players . He had no sooner spoke these Words , than the Works of Virgil were brought in : But before the Book was laid open , Panurge said to Pantagruel , My Heart , like the Furch of a Hart in Rut , doth beat within my Breast . Be pleased to feel and grope my Pulse a little on this Artery of my Left Arm ; at its frequent Rise and Fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after the manner of a Probationer posed , and put to a peremptory Trial in the Examination of his Sufficiency for the Discharge of the Learned Duty of a Graduate in some Eminent Degree in the Colledge of the Sorbonists .

But would not you hold it expedient , before we proceeded any further , that we should invocate Hercules and the Tenitian . Goddesses , who in the Chamber of Lots are said to Rule , sit in Judgment , and bear a Presidential Sway ? Neither him nor them , ( answered Pantagruel ) only open up the Leaves of the Book with your Fingers , and set your Nails awork .

CHAP. XII . How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian Lottery what Fortune Panurge shall have in his Marriage .

THen at the opening of the Book in the Sixteenth Row of the Lines of the disclosed Page , did Panurge encounter upon this following Verse : Nec Deus hunc mensa Dea nec Dignata cubili est . The God him from his Table banished , Nor would the Goddess have him in her Bed .

This Response ( quoth Pantagruel ) maketh not very much for your benefit or advantage : for it plainly signifies and denoteth , that your Wife shall be a Strumpet , and your self by consequence a Cuckold ; the Goddess , whom you shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you , is Minerva , a most redoubtable and dreadful Virgin , a powerful and fulminating Goddess , an Enemy to Cuckolds , and effeminate Youngsters , to Cuckold-makers and Adulterers : the God is Iupiter , a terrible and Thunder-striking God from Heaven ; and withal , it is to be remarked , that conform to the Doctrine of the ancient Hetrurians , the Manubes ( for so did they call the darting Hurls , or slinging Casts of the Vulcanian Thunderbolts ) did only appertain to her , and to Iupiter her Father Capital . This was verified in the Conflagration of the Ships of Ajax Oileus , nor doth this fulminating Power belong to any other of the Olympick Gods ; Men therefore stand not in such fear of them . Moreover , I will tell you , and you may take it as extracted out of the profoundest Mysteries of Mythology , that when the Giants had enterprized the waging of a War against the Power of the Coelestial Orbs , the Gods at first did laugh at those Attempts , and scorn'd such despicable Enemies , who were in their conceit , not strong enough to cope in Feats of Warfare with their Pages : but when they saw by the Gigantine labour the high Hill Pelion set on lofty Ossa , and that the Mount Olympus was made shake to be erected on the top of both .

Then was it that Iupiter held a Parliament , or General Convention , wherein it was unanimously resolved upon , and condescended to by all the Gods , that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their Defence . And because they had often seen Battles lost by the cumbersome lets and disturbing incumbrances of Women , confusedly hudled in amongst Armies , it was at that time Decreed and Enacted , That they should expel and drive out of Heaven into Aegypt , and the Confines of Nile , that whole Crue of Goddesses disguized in the shapes of Weezils , Polcats , Bats , Shrew-Mice , Ferrets , Fulmarts , and other such like odd Transformations , only Minerva was reserved to participate with Iupiter in the horrifick fulminating Power ; as being the Goddess both of War and Learning , of Arts and Arms , of Counsel and Dispatch ; a Goddess armed from her Birth , a Goddess dreaded in Heaven , in the Air , by Sea and Land . By the Belly of Saint Buff ( quoth Panurge ) should I be Vulcan , whom the Poet blazons ! Nay , I am neither a Cripple , Coyner of false Money , nor Smith as he was .

My Wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus , but not a Whore like her , nor I a Cuckold like him .

The crook-leg'd slovenly Slave , made himself to be declared a Cuckold by a definitive Sentence , and Judgment , in the open view of all the Gods : for this cause ought you to interpret the aforementioned Verse quite contrary to what you have said . This Lot importeth , that my Wife will be honest , vertuous , chast , loyal , and faithful ; not armed , surly , waiward , cross , giddy , humorous , heady , hair-brain'd , or extracted out of the Brains , as was the Goddess Pallas : nor shall this fair jolly Iupiter be my Corrival , he shall never dip his Bread in my Broath , though we should sit together at one Table .

Consider his Exploits and gallant Actions , he was the manifest Ruffian , Wencher , Whoremonger , and most infamous Cuckold-maker that ever breathed : he did always lecher it like a Boar , and no wonder , for he was foster'd by a Sow in the Isle of Candia , ( if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a Lyar ) and more rammishly lascivious then a Buck , whence it is that he is said by others , to have been suckled and fed with the Milk of the Amalthaean Goat . By the vertue of Acheron , he jusled , bulled , and lastauriated in one day the third part of the World , Beasts and People , Floods and Mountains , that was Europa .

For this grand subagitatory Atchievement , the Animonians caused , draw , delineate , and paint him in the figure and shape of a Ram , ramming , and horned Ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve my self from that horned Champion : he will not , trust me , have to deal in my Person , with a sottish , dunsical Amphytrion ; nor with a silly witless Argus , for all his hundred Spectacles ; nor yet with the cowardly Meacock Acrisius ; the simple Goosecap Lyrus of Thebes ; the doating Blockhead Agenor ; the flegmatick Pea-Goose Aesop ; rough-footed Lycaon ; the luskish mishapen Corytus of Tuscany ; nor with the large back'd and strong reined Atlas : let him alter , change , transform , and metamorphose himself into a hundred various shapes and figures ; into a Swan , a Bull , a Satyr , a Showre of Gold , or into a Cuckow , as he did when he unmaiden'd his Sister Iuno ; into an Eagle , Ram , or Dove , as when he was enamoured of the Virgin Phthia , who then dwelt in the Aegean Territory ; into Fire , a Serpent ; yea , even into a Flea , into Epicurian and Democratical Atomes , or more Magistronostralistically , into those sly Intentions of the Mind , which in ●he 〈…〉 are called Second No●ions ▪ 〈…〉 in the nick , and take 〈…〉

And would you know what I would do unto him , even that which to his Father Coelum , Saturn did , ( Seneca foretold it of me , and Lactantius hath confirmed it ) what the Goddess Rhea did to Athis ; I would make him two Stone lighter , rid him of his Cyprian Cimbals , and cut so close and neatly by the Breech , that there should not remain thereof so much as one — , so cleanly would I shave him : and disable him for ever from being Pope ; for Testiculos non habet . Hold there , said Pantagruel , Hoc , soft and fair ( my Lad ) enough of that , cast up , turn over the Leaves , and try your Fortune for the second time . Then did he fall upon this ensuing Verse .

Membra quatit , gelidusque coit formidine sanguis . His Ioynts and Members quake , he becomes pale , And sudden Fear doth his cold Blood congeal .

This importeth ( quoth Pantagruel ) that she will soundly bang your Back and Belly . Clean and quite contrary ( answered Panurge ) it is of me that he prognosticates , in saying that I will beat her like a Tyger , if she vex me . Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that Office , and in default of a Cudgel , the Devil gulp him , if I should not eat her up quick , as Candaul the Lydian King did his Wife , whom he ravened and devoured .

You are very stout , says Pantagruel , and couragious , Hercules himself durst hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging Fury : nor is it strange ; for the Ian is worth two and two in fight against Hercules are too too strong . Am I a Ian ? quoth Panurge . No , no , ( answered Pantagruel ) my Mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack . Thereafter did he hit , at the third opening of the Book , upon this Verse .

Faemineo Praedae , & spoliorum ardebat amore . After the Spoil and Pillage ( as in Fire ) He burnt with a strong Feminine Desire .

This portendeth ( quoth Pantagruel ) that she will steal your Goods , and rob you . Hence this , according to these three drawn Lots , will be your future Destiny , ( I clearly see it ) you will be a Cuckold , you will be beaten , and you will be robbed . Nay , it is quite otherways , ( quoth Panurge ) for it is certain that this Verse Presageth , that she will love me with a Perfect liking : nor did the Satyr-writing Poet lye in proof hereof , when he affirmed , That a Woman burning with extream Affection , takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her Sweetheart . And what I pray you ? a Glove , a Point , or some such trifling Toy of no importance , to make him keep a gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof : in like manner these small scolding Debates , and petty brabling Contentions , which frequently we see spring up , and for a certain space boyl very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited Lovers , are nothing else but recreative Diversions for their refreshment , spurs to , and incentives of a more fervent Amity than ever . As for example : We do sometimes see Cutlers with Hammers mawl their finest Whetstones , therewith to sharpen their Iron Tools the better .

And therefore do I think , that these three Lots make much for my advantage ; which if not , I from their Sentence totally appeal . There is no appellation ( quoth Pantagruel ) from the Decrees of Fate or Destiny , of Lot or Chance : as is recorded by our ancient Lawyers , witness Baldus , Lib. ult. Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is , Fortune doth not acknowledge a Superiour , to whom an Appeal may be made from her , or any of her Substitutes· And in this case the Pupil cannot be restored to his Right in full , as openly by the said Author is alledged in L. ait praetor , Paragrult . H. de minor .

CHAP. XIII . How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his Marriage by Dreams .

NOW seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or interpreting the Sense of the Virgilian Lots , let us bend our course another way , and try a new sort of Divination . Of what kind ? ( asked Panurge . ) Of a good Ancient and and Authentick Fashion , ( answered Pantagruel ) it is by Dreams : For in Dreaming such Circumstances and Conditions being thereto adhibited , as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates , in Lib. 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , by Plato , Plotin , Iamblicus , Sinesius , Aristotle , Xenophon , Galene , Plutarch , Artemidorus , Valdianus , Herophilus , G. Calaper , Theocritus , Pliny , Athenaeus , and others , the Soul doth often times foresee what is to come .

How true this is , you may conceive by a very vulgar and familiar Example ; as when you see that at such a time as Suckling Babes , well nourished , fed and fostred with good Milk , sleep soundly and profoundly , the Nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves , and are licentiated to recreate their Fancies at what Range to them shall seem most fitting and expedient ; their Presence , Sedulity and Attendance on the Cradle being , during all that space , held unnecessary .

Even just so , when our Body is at rest , that the Concoction is every where accomplished , and that , till it awake , it lacks for nothing , our Soul delighteth to disport it self , and is well-pleased in that Frolick to take a review of its Native Country , which is the Heavens , where it receiveth a most notable Participation of its first beginning with an Imbuement from its Divine Source , and in Contemplation of that Infinite and Intellectual Sphere , whereof the Center is every where , and the Circumference in no place of the universal World , to wit , God , according to the Doctrine of Hermes Trismegistus , to whom no new thing hapneth , whom nothing that is past escapeth , and unto whom all things are alike present , remarketh not only what is preterit , and gone in the inferiour Course and Agitation of sublunary matters , but withal taketh notice what is to come ; then bringing a Relation of those future Events unto the Body by the outward Senses and exterior Organs , it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others . Whereupon the Owner of that Soul deserveth to be termed a Vatiemator , or Prophet .

Nevertheless the truth is , that the Soul is seldom able to report those things in such Sincerity as it hath seen them , by reason of the Imperfection and Frailty of the Corporeal Senses , which obstruct the effectuating of that Office ; even as the Moon doth not communicate unto this Earth of ours that Light which she receiveth from the Sun with so much Splendor , Heat , Vigour , Purity and Liveliness as it was given her . Hence it is requisite for the better reading , explaining and unfolding of these Somniatory Vaticiations and Predictions of that nature , that a dexterous , learned , skilful , wise , industrious , expert , rational and peremptory Expounder or Interpreter be pitched upon , such a one as by the Greeks is called Onirocrit , or Oniropolist .

For this cause Heraclitus was wont to say , that nothing is by Dreams revealed to us , that nothing is by Dreams concealed from us , and that only we thereby have a mystical Signification and secret Evidence of things to come , either for own prosperous or unlucky Fortune , or for the favourable or disastrous Success of another . The Sacred Scriptures testifie no less , and profane Histories assure us of it , in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of strange Adventures , which have befallen pat according to the nature of the Dream , and that as well to the Party Dreamer as to others . The Atlantick People , and those that inhabit the Land of Thasos , ( one of the Cyclades ) are of this grand Commodity deprived ; for in their Countries none yet ever dreamed . Of this sort Cleon of Daulia , Thrasymedes ; and in our days the Learned Frenchman Villanovanus , neither of all which knew what Dreaming was .

Fail not therefore to morrow , when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosie Fingers draweth aside the Curtains of the Night , to drive away the sable Shades of Darkness , to bend your Spirits wholly to the task of sleeping sound , and thereto apply your self . In the mean while you must denude your Mind of every Humane Passion or Affection , such as are Love and Hatred , Fear and Hope ; for as of old the great Vaticinator , most famous and renowned Prophet Proteus was not able in his Disguise or Transformation into Fire , Water , a Tyger , a Dragon , and other such like uncouth Shapes and Visors to presage any thing that was to come , till he was restored to his own first natural and kindly Form . Just so doth Man ; for at his reception of the Art of Divination , and Faculty of prognosticating future things , that part in him which is the most Divine , ( to wit , the 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , or Mens ) must be calm , peaceable , untroubled , quiet , still , husht , and not imbusied or distracted with Foreign , Soul-disturbing Preturbations . I am content , ( quoth Panurge . ) But I pray you , Sir , must I this Evening , e're I go to Bed , eat much or little ? I do not ask this without Cause : For if I sup not well , large , round and amply , my sleeping is not worth a forked Turnep ; all the Night long I then but dose and rave , and in my slumbering Fits talk idle Nonsence , my Thoughts being in a dull brown Study , and as deep in their Dumps as is my Belly hollow .

Not to sup ( answered Pantagruel ) were best for you , considering the state of your Complexion , and healthy Constitution of your Body . A certain very ancient Prophet named Amphiaraus , wished such as had a mind by Dreams to be imbued with any Oracles , for Four and Twenty Hours to taste no Victuals , and to abstain from Wine three days together ; yet shall not you be put to such a sharp , hard , rigorous and extream sparing Diet.

I am truly right apt to believe , that a Man whose Stomach is repleat with various Cheer , and in a manner surfeited with drinking , is hardly able to conceive aright of Spiritual things ; yet am not I of the Opinion of those , who after long and pertinacious Fastings , think by such means to enter more profoundly into the Speculation of Celestial Mysteries . You may very well remember how my Father Gargantua , ( whom here for Honour sake I name ) hath often told us , that the Writings of abstinent , abstemious , and long-fasting Hermits , were every whit as saltless , dry , jejune and insipid , as were there Bodies when they did compose them . It is a most difficult thing for the Spirits to be in a good plight , serene and lively , when there is nothing in the Body but a kind of Voidness and Inanity : Seeing the Philosophers with the Physicians jointly affirm , that the Spirits which are styled Animal , spring from , and have their constant practice in , and through the Arterial Blood , refin'd and purify'd to the Life within the admirable Net , which wonderfully framed lieth under the Ventricles and Tunnels of the Brain . He gave us also the Example of the Philosopher , who , when he thought most seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary Privacy , far from the rusling clutterments of the tumultuous and confused World , the better to improve his Theory , to contrive , comment and ratiocinate , was , notwithstanding his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises , surrounded and environ'd about so with the barking of Currs , bawling of Mastiffs , bleating of Sheep , prating of Parrets , tatling of Jackdaws , grunting of Swine , girning of Boars , yelping of Foxes , mewing of Cats , cheeping of Mice , squeaking of Weasils , croaking of Frogs , crowing of Cocks , kekling of Hens , calling of Partridges , chanting of Swans , chattering of Jays , peeping of Chickens , singing of Larks , creaking of Geese , chirping of Swallows , clucking of Moorfowls , cucking of Cuckows , bumling of Bees , rammage of Hawks , chi●ming of Linots , croaking of Ravens , screeching of Owls , whicking of Pigs , gushing of Hogs , curring of Pigeons , grumbling of Cushet-doves , howling of Panthers , curkling of Quails , chirping of Sparrows , crackling of Crows , nuzzing of Camels , wheening of Whelps , buzzing of Dromedaries , mumbling of Rabets , cricking of Ferrets , humming of Wasps , mioling of Tygers , bruzzing of Bears , sussing of Kitnings , clamring of Scarfes , whimpring of Fullmarts , boing of Buffalos , warbling of Nightingales , quavering of Meavises , drintling of Turkies , coniating of Storks , frantling of Peacocks , clattering of Mag-pyes , murmuring of Stock-doves , crouting of Cormorants , cigling of Locusts , charming of Beagles , guarring of Puppies , snarling of Messens , rantling of Rats , guerieting of Apes , snuttering of Monkies , pioling of Pelicanes , quecking of Ducks , yelling of Wolves , roaring of Lions , neighing of Horses , crying of Elephants , hissing of Serpents , and wailing of Turtles , that he was much more troubled , than if he had been in the middle of the Crowd at the Fair of Fontenoy or Niort .

Just so is it with those who are tormented with the grievous pangs of Hunger ; the Stomach begins to gnaw , ( and bark as it were ) the Eyes to look dim , and the Veins , by greedily sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the Members of a Fleshy Consistence ; violently pull down and draw back that vagrant , roaming Spirit , careless and neglecting of his Nurse and natural Host , which is the Body . As when a Hawk upon the Fist , willing to take her Flight by a soaring aloft into the open spacious Air , is on a sudden drawn back by a Leash tied to her Feet .

To this purpose also did he alledge unto us the Authority of Homer , the Father of all Philosophy , who said , that the Grecians did not put an end to their mournful mood for the Death of Patroclus , the most intimate Friend of Achilles , till Hunger in a rage declared her self , and their Bellies protested to furnish no more Tears unto their Grief . For from Bodies emptied and mecerated by long Fasting , there could not be such supply of Moisture and brackish Drops , as might be proper on that occasion .

Mediocrity at all times is commendable ; nor in this case are you to abandon it . You may take a little Supper , but thereat must you not eat of a Hare , nor of any other Flesh : You are likewise to abstain from Beans , from the Preak , ( by some called the Polyp ) as also from Coleworts , Cabbidge , and all other such like windy Victuals , which may endanger the troubling of your Brains , and the dimning or casting a kind of Mist over your Animal Spirits : For as a Looking-glass cannot exhibit the Semblance or Representation of the Object set before it , and exposed , to have its Image to the life expressed , if that the polish'd sleekedness thereof be darken'd by gross Breathings , dampish Vapours , and foggy , thick , infectious Exhalations ; even so the Fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those things , which Divination doth afford by Dreams , if any way the Body be annoyed or troubled with the fumish Steam of Meat , which it had taken in a while before ; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual Sympathy and Fellow-●eeling , of an indissolubly knit Affection . You shall eat good Eusebian and Bergamot-Pears ▪ one Apple of the short-shank Pepin-kind , a parcel of the little Plums of Tours , and some few Cherries of the growth of my Orchard : Nor shall you need to fear , that thereupon will ensue doubtful Dreams , fallacious , uncertain , and not to be trusted to , as by some Peripatetick Philosophers hath been related ; for that , say they , Men do more copiously in the Season of Harvest feed on Fruitages , then at any other time . The same is mystically taught us by the ancient Prophets and Poets , who alledge , That all vain and deceitful Dreams lie hid and in covert , under the Leaves which are spread on the ground : by reason that the Leaves fall from the Trees , in the Autumnal Quarter : for the natural fervour , which abounding in ripe , fresh , recent Fruits , cometh by the quickness of its ebullition , to be with ease evaporated into the Animal parts of the dreaming Person ( the Experiment is obvious in most ) is a pretty while before it be expired , dissolved , and evanished . As for your Drink , you are to have it of the fair , pure Water of my Fountain .

The Condition ( quoth Panurge ) is very hard : nevertheless , cost what price it will , or whatsoever come of it , I heartily condescend thereto ; protesting , that I shall to morrow break my Fast betimes , after my somniatory Exercitations ; furthermore , I recommend my self to Homer's two Gates , to Morpheus , to Iselon , to Phautasus , and unto Phabetor . If they in this my great need succour me , and grant me that assistance which is fitting , I will , in honour of them all , erect a jolly , gentiel Altar , composed of the softest Down . If I were now in Laconia , in the Temple of Iuno , betwixt Oetile and Thalamis , she suddenly would disintangle my Perplexity , resolve me of my Doubts , and chear me up with fair and jovial Dreams in a deep Sleep . Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel : Sir , were it not expedient for my purpose , to put a Branch or two of curious Laurel betwixt the Quilt and Bolster of my Bed , under the Pillow on which my Head must lean ? There is no need at all of that ( quoth Pantagruel ) for besides that it is a thing very superstitious , the Cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us , in the Writings of Serapion , Ascalonites , Antiphon , Philochorus , Artemon , and Fulgentius Placiades . I could say as much to you of the Left Shoulder of a Crocodile , as also of a Camelion , without prejudice be it spoken to the Credit which is due to the Opinion of old Democritus ; and likewise of the Stone of the Bactrians , called Eumerites , and of the Hamonian Horn : for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious Stone , coloured like Gold , and in the fashion , shape , form , and proportion of a Ram's Horn , as the Horn of Iupiter Hammon is reported to have been : they over-and-above assuredly affirming , that the Dreams of those who carry it about them are no less veri●able and infallible , than the Truth of the Divine Oracles . Nor is this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two Gates of Sleep : to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what you have in hand . The one is of Ivory , which setteth in confused , doubtful , and uncertain Dreams ; for thro' Ivory , how small and slender it soever be , we can see nothing , the density , opacity , and close compactedness of its material parts , hindring the penetration of the visual Rays , and the reception of the Speciesses of such things as are visible : the other is of Horn , at which an entry is made to sure and certain Dreams , even as through Horn , by reason of the diaphanous splendour , and bright transparency thereof , the Species of all Objects of the sight distinctly pass , and so without confusion appear , that they are clearly seen . Your meaning is , and you would thereby infer ( quoth Fryar Iohn ) that the Dreams of all horned Cuckolds ( of which number Panurge , by the help of God , and his future Wife , is without controversie to be one ) are always true and infallible .

CHAP. XIV . Panurge's Dream , with the Interpretation thereof .

AT Seven a Clock of the next following Morning , Panurge did not fail to present himself before Pantagruel , in whose Chamber were at that time Epistemon , Fryar Iohn of the Funnels , Ponocrates , Eudemon , Carpalin , and others , to whom , at the entry of Panurge , Pantagruel said , Lo , here cometh our Dreamer . That word ( quoth Epistemon ) in ancient times cost very much , and was dearly sold to the Children of Iacob . Then , said Panurge , I have been plunged into my dumps so deeply , as if I had been lodged with Gaffer Noddy cap : dreamed indeed I have , and that right lustily ; but I could take a long with me no more thereof , that I did goodly understand , save only , that I in my Vision had a pretty , fair , young , gallant , handsome Woman , who no less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me , hugg'd , cherish'd , cocker'd , dandled , and made much of me , as if I had been another neat dillidarling Minion , like Adonis : never was Man more glad then I was then , my joy at that time was incomperable ; she flattred me , tickled me , stroaked me , groped me , frizled me , curled me , kissed me , embraced me , laid her Hands about my Neck , and now and then made jestingly , pretty little Horns above my Forehead : I told her in the like disport , as I did play the Fool with her , that she should rather place and fix them in a little below mine Eyes , that I might see the better what I should stick at , with them : for being so situated , Momus then would find no fault therewith , as he did once with the position of the Horns of Bulls . The wanton , toying Girl , notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary , did always drive and thrust them further in : yet thereby ( which to me seemed wonderful ) she did not do me any hurt at all . A little after , though I know not how , I thought I was transform'd into a Tabor , and she into a Chough .

My sleeping there being interrupted , I awaked in a start , angry , displeased , perplexed , chafing , and very wroth . There have you a large-Platter-full of Dreams , make thereupon good Chear , and , if you please , spare not to interpret them according to the Understanding which you may have in them . Come Carpalin , let us to Breakfast . To my sence and meaning , ( quoth Pantagruel ) if I have skill or knowledge in the Art of Divination by Dreams , your Wife will not really , and to the outward appearance of the World , plant , or set Horns , and stick them fast in your Forehead , after a visible manner , as Satyrs use to wear and carry them ; but she will be so far from preserving herself Loyal in the discharge and observance of a Conjugal Duty , that on the contrary she will violate her plighted Faith , break her Marriage-Oath , infringe all Matrimonial Tyes , prostitute her Body to the Dalliance of other Men , and so make you a Cuckold . This point is clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus , just as I have related it . Nor will there be any metamorphosis , or transmutation made of you into a Drum , or Tabor , but you will surely be as soundly beaten as e're was Tabor at a merry Wedding : nor yet will she be changed into a Chough , but will steal from you , chiefly in the Night , as is the nature of that thievish Bird. Hereby may you perceive your Dreams to be in every jot conform and agreeable to the Virgilian Lots : A Cuckold you will be , beaten and robbed . Then cryed out Father Iohn with a loud Voice : He tells the truth ; upon my Conscience , thou wilt be a Cuckold , an honest one , I warrant thee ; O the brave Horns that will be born by thee ! Ha , ha , ha . Our good Master De Cornilius , God save thee , and shield thee ; Wilt thou be pleased to preach but two words of a Sermon to us , and I will go through the Parish-Church to gather up Alms for the poor .

You are ( quoth Panurge ) very far mistaken in your Interpretation ; for the matter is quite contrary to your sence thereof ; my Dream presageth , that I shall by Marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of Goods , the hornifying of me shewing , that I will possess a Cornucopia , that Amalthaean Horn , which is called , The Horn of Abundance , whereof the fruition did still portend the Wealth of the Enjoyer . You possibly will say , that they are rather like to be Satyrs Horns ; for you of these did make some mention . Amen , Amen , Fiat fiat , ad differentiam papae . Thus shall I have my Touch-her-home still ready ; my Staff of Love sempiternally in a good case , will , Satyr-like , be never toyled out ; a thing which all Men wish for , and send up their Prayers to that purpose , but such a thing as nevertheless is granted but to a few ; hence doth it follow by a consequence as clear as the Sun-beams , that I will never be in the danger of being made a Cuckold , for the defect hereof is , Causa sine qua non ; yea , the sole cause ( as many think ) of making Husbands Cuckolds ▪ What makes poor scoundrel Rogues to beg ( I pray you ) ? Is it not because they have not enough at home , wherewith to fill their Bellies , and their Poaks . What is it makes the Wolves to leave the Woods ? Is it not the want of Flesh Meat . What maketh Women Whores ? you understand me well enough . And herein may I very well submit my Opinion to the Judgment of learned Lawyers , Presidents , Counsellors , Advocates , Procurers , Attorneys , and other Glossers and Commentators on the venerable Rubrick , De Frigidis , & maleficiatis . You are in truth , Sir , as it seems to me ( excuse my boldness if I have transgressed ) in a most palpable and absurd Error , to attribute my Horns to Cuckoldry : Diana wears them on her Head after the manner of a Cressant , is she a Cuequean for that ? How the Devil can she be cuckolded , who never yet was married ? Speak somewhat more correctly , I beseech you , least she being offended , furnish you with a pair of Horns , shapen by the Pattern of those which she made for Actaeon . The goodly Bacchus also carries Horns ; Pan , Iupiter Hammon , with a great many others , are they all Cuckolds ? If Iove be a Cuckold , Iuno is a Whore : this follows by the Figure Metalepsis . As to call a Child in the presence of his Father and Mother , a Bastard , or Whore's Son , is tacitly and under-board , no less than if he had said openly , the Father is a Cuckold , and his Wife a Punk . Let our Discourse come nearer to the purpose : The Horns that my Wife did make me are Horns of Abundance , planted and grafted in my Head for the increase and shooting up of all good things : this will I affirm for truth , upon my Word , and pawn my Faith and Credit both upon it ; as for the rest , I will be no less joyful , frolick , glad , cheerful , merry , jolly , and gamesome then a well-bended Tabor in the Hands of a good Drummer , at a Nuptial Feast , still making a noise , still rowling , still buzzing and cracking . Believe me , Sir , in that consisteth none of my least good Fortunes . And my Wife will be jocund , feat , compt , neat , quaint , dainty , trim , trick'd up , brisk , smirk and smug , even as a pretty little Cornish Chough : who will not believe this , let Hell or the Gallows be the Burden of his Christmas Carol.

I remark ( quoth Pantagruel ) the last point or particle which you did speak of , and having seriously conferred it with the first , find that at the beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your Dream ; but in the end ▪ and final closure of it , you startingly awaked , and on a sudden were forthwith vexed in Choler , and annoyed . Yea , ( quoth Panurge ) the reason of that was , because I had fasted too long . Flatter not your self ( quoth Pantagruel ) all will go to ruine : know for a certain truth , that every Sleep that endeth with a starting , and leaves the Person irksome , grieved , and fretting , doth either signifie a present evil , or otherways presageth , and portendeth a future imminent mishap . To signifie an Evil , that is to say , to shew some Sickness hardly curable , a kind of pestilentious , or malignant Bile , Botch , or Sore , lying and lurking , hid , occult , and latent within the very Center of the Body , which many times doth by the means of Sleep ( whose nature is to reinforce , and strengthen the Faculty and Vertue of Concoction ) begin according to the Theorems of Physick to declare itself , and moves toward the outward Superficies . At this sad stirring is the Sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken , whereof the first feeling and stinging smart admonisheth , that he must patiently endure great pain and trouble , and thereunto provide some remedy : as when we say proverbially to incense Hornets , to move a stinking Puddle , and to awake a sleeping Lyon , instead of these more usual expressions , and of a more familiar and plain meaning , to provoke angry Persons , to make a thing the worse by medling with it , and to irritate a testy cholerick Man when he is at quiet . On the other part , to presage or fore-tell an Evil , especially in what concerneth the Exploits of the Soul , in matter of Somnial Divinations , is as much to say , as that it giveth us to understand , that some dismal Fortune or Mischance is destinated and prepared for us , which shortly will not fail to come to pass . A clear and evident Example hereof is to be found in the Dream , and dreadful awaking of Hecuba , as likewise in that of Euridice , the Wife of Orpheus , ( neither of which was sooner finished , saith Cunius ) but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start , and were affrighted horribly ; thereupon these Accidents ensued , Hecuba had her Husband Priamus , together with her Children , slain before her eyes , and saw then the Destruction of her Country ; and Euridice died speedily thereafter , in a most miserable manner . Aeneas dreaming that he spoke to Hector a little after his Decease , did on a sudden in a great start awake , and was afraid : now hereupon did follow this event ; Troy that same Night was spoil'd , sack'd , and burnt . At another time the same Aeneas , dreaming that he saw his familiar Geniuses and Penates , in a ghastly fright and astonishment awaked , of which terrour and amazement the issue was , that the very next day subsequent , by a most horrible Tempest on the Sea , he was like to have perished , and been cast-away . Moreover , Turnus being prompted , instigated , and stirred up , by the fantastick Vision of an infernal Fury , to enter into a bloody War against Aeneas , awaked in a start much troubled and disquieted in Spirit , in sequel whereof , after many notable and famous Routs , Defeats and Discomfitures in open Field , he came at last to be killed in a single Combat , by the said Aeneas . A thousand other instances I could afford , if it were needful , of this matter . Whilst I relate these Stories of Aeneas , remark the saying of Fabius Pictor , who faithfully averred , That nothing had at any time befallen unto , was done , or enterprized by him , whereof he preallably had not Notice , and before-hand fore seen it to the full , by sure Predictions , altogether founded on the Oracles of Somnial Divination . To this there is no want of pregnant Reasons , no more then of Examples : for if Repose and Rest in Sleeping be a special Gift and Favour of the Gods , as is maintained by the Philosophers , and by the Poet attested in these Lines : Then Sleep , that heavenly Gift , came to refresh , Of humane Labourers , the wearied Flesh. Such a Gift or Benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and indignation , without portending some unlucky Fate , and most disastrous Fortune to ensue ; otherways it were a Molestation , and not an Ease ; a Scourge and not a Gift , at least , proceeding from the Gods above , but from the infernal Devils our Enemies , according to the common vulgar Saying .

Suppose the Lord , Father , or Master of a Family , sitting at a very sumptuous Dinner , furnished with all manner of good Cheer , and having at his entry to the Table his Appetite sharp set upon his Victuals , whereof there was great plenty , should be seen rise in a start , and on a sudden fling out of his Chair , abandoning his Meat , frighted , appalled , and in a horrid terrour , who should not know the cause hereof would wonder , and be astonished exceedingly : But what ? he heard his Male Servants cry , Fire , fire , fire , fire ; his Serving Maids and Woman yell , Stop Thief , stop Thief ; and all his Children shout as loud as ever they could , Murther , O Murther , Murther . Then was it not high time for him to leave his Banquetting , for application of a Remedy in hast , and to give speedy Order for succouring of his distressed Houshold . Truly , I remember , that the Cabalists and Massorats , Interpreters of the Sacred Scriptures , in treating how with verity one might judge of Evangelical Apparitions ( because oftentimes the Angel of Satan is disguized and transfigured into an Angel of Light ) said , That the difference of these two mainly did consist in this : the favourable and comforting Angel useth in his appearing unto Man at first to terrifie and hugely affright him ; but in the end he bringeth Consolation , leaveth the Person who hath seen him , joyful , well pleased , fully content , and satisfied : on the other side , the Angel of Perdition , that wicked , devilish , and malignant Spirit , at his appearance unto any Person , in the beginning cheareth up the Heart of his Beholder , but at last forsakes him , and leaves him troubled , angry , and perplexed .

CHAP. XV. Panurge's Excuse and Exposition of the Monastick Mystery concerning Pouder'd Beef .

THE Lord save those who see , and do not hear , ( quoth Panurge ) I see you well enough , but know not what it is that you have said : the Hunger-starved Belly wanteth Ears : For lack of Victuals , before God , I roar , bray , yell and fume as in a furious Madness . I have performed too hard a Task to day , an extrordinary Work indeed : He shall be craftier , and do far greater Wonders than ever did Mr. Mush , who shall be able any more this year to bring me on the Stage of Preparation for a dreaming Verdict . Fy ; not to sup at all , that is the Devil . Pox take that Fashion . Come Friar Iohn , let us go break our Fast ; for if I hit on such a round Refection in the morning ▪ as will serve throughly to fill the Mill-hopper and Hogshide of my Stomach , and furnish it with Meat and Drink sufficient , then at a pinch , as in the case of some extream necessity which presseth , I could make a shift that day to forbear Dining . But not to Sup : A Plague-rot that base Custom , which is an Error offensive to Nature . That Lady made the Day for Exercise , to travel , work , wait on and labour in each his Negotiation and Employment ; and that we may with the more Fervency and Ardour prosecute our business , she sets before us a clear burning Candle , to wit , the Suns Resplendency : And at Night , when she begins to take the Light from us , she thereby tacitly implies no less , than if she would have spoken thus unto us : My Lads and Lasses , all of you are good and honest Folks , you have wrought well to day , toiled and turmoiled enough , the Night approacheth , therefore cast off these moiling Cares of yours , desist from all your swinking painful Labours , and set your Minds how to refresh your Bodies in the renewing of their Vigour with good Bread , choice Wine , and store of wholsom Meats ; then may you take some Sport and Recreation , and after that lie down and rest your selves , that you may strongly , nimbly , lustily , and with the more Alacrity to morrow attend on your Affairs as formerly .

Falconers in like manner , when they have fed their Hawks , will not suffer them to fly on a full Gorge , but let them on a Pearch abide a little , that they may rouse , bait , tour and soar the better . That good Pope , who was the first Instituter of Fasting , understood this well enough ; for he ordained that our Fast should reach but to the hour of Noon ; all the remainder of that day was at our disposure , freely to eat and feed at any time thereof . In ancient times there were but few that dined , as you would say , some Church men , Monks and Canons ; for they have little other Occupation ; each day is a Festival unto them ; who diligently heed the Claustral Proverb , De missa ad mensam . They do not use to linger and defer their sitting down and placing of themselves at Table , only so long as they have a mind in waiting for the coming of the Abbot ; so they fell to without Ceremony , Terms or Conditions ; and every body supped , unless it were some vain , conceited , dreaming Dotard . Hence was a Supper called Caena , which sheweth that it is common to all sorts of People . Thou knowest it well , Friar Iohn . Come let us go , my dear Friend in the name of all the Devils of the Infernal Regions , let us go : The Gnawings of my Stomach , in this rage of Hunger , are so taring , that they make it bark like a Mastiff . Let us throw some Bread and Beef into his Throat to pacifie him , as once the Sibyl did to Cerberus . Thou likest best Monastical Browess , the prime , the flower of the Pot. I am for the solid , principal Verb that comes after : The good brown Loaf , always accompany'd with a round slice of the Nine-lecture-poudred Labourer . I know thy meaning , ( answered Friar Iohn ) this Metaphor is extracted out of the Claustral Kettle ; the Labourer is the Ox , that hath wrought and done the Labour ; after the fashion of Nine Lectures , that is to say , most exquisitely well and throughly boil'd . These holy Religious Fathers , by a certain Cabalistick Institution of the Ancients , not written , but carefully by Tradition conveyed from hand to hand , rising betimes to go to Morning Prayers , were wont to flourish that their matutinal . Devotion with some certain notable Preambles before their entry into the Church , viz. They dunged in the Dungeries , pissed in the Pisseries , spit in the Spitteries , melodiously coughed in the Cougheries , and doted in their Doteries , that to the Divine Service they might not bring any thing that was unclean or foul .

These things thus done ▪ they very zealously made their repair to the Holy Chappel , ( for so was , in their canting Language , termed the Covent Kitchin ) where they with no small earnestness , had Care that the Beef Pot should be put on the Crook for the Breakfast of the Religious Brothers of our Lord and Saviour ; and the Fire they would kindle under the Pot themselves . Now the Matines consisting of Nine Lessons , was so incumbent on them , that they must have risen the rather for the more expedite dispatching of them all . The sooner that they rose , the sharper was their Appetite , and the Barkings of their Stomachs , and the Gnawings increase in the like proportion , and consequently made these Godly Men thrice more a hungred and a-thirst , than when their Matines were hem'd over only with three Lessons .

The more betimes they rose by the said Cabal , the sooner was the Beef Pot put on ; the longer that the Beef was on the Fire , the better it was boiled ; the more it boiled , it was the tenderer ; the tenderer that it was , the less it troubled the Teeth , delighted more the Palats , less charged the Stomach , and nourished our good Religious Men the more substantially ; which is the only end and prime intention of the first Founders , as appears by this , That they eat not to live , but live to eat , and in this World have nothing but their Life . Let us go , Panurge .

Now have I understood thee , ( quoth Panurge ) my Plushcod Friar , my Caballine and Claustral Ballock . I freely quit the Costs , Interest and Charges , seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial Chapter of the Culinary and Monastick Cabal . Come along , my Garpalin , and you Friar Iohn , my Leather-dresser : Good morrow to you all , my good Lords : I have dreamed too much to have so little . Let us go . Panurge had no sooner done speaking , than Epistemon with a loud Voice said these Words : It is a very ordinary and common thing amongst Men to conceive , foresee , know and presage the misfortune , bad luck or disaster of another ; but to have the understanding , providence , knowledge and prediction of a Man 's own mishap is very scarce and rare to be found any where . This is exceeding judiciously and prudently deciphered by Esop in his Apologues , who there affirmeth , That every Man in the World carrieth about his Neck a Wallet , in the Fore-bag whereof were contained the Faults and Mischances of others , always exposed to his view and knowledge ; and in the other Scrip thereof , which hangs behind , are kept the Bearers proper Transgressions , and inauspicious Adventures , at no time seen by him , nor thought upon , unless he be a person that hath a favourable Aspect from the Heavens .

CHAP. XVI . How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust .

A Little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge , and said unto him , The Affection which I bear you being now inveterate , and setled in my Mind by a long continuance of time , prompteth me to the serious consideration of your Welfare and Profit ; in order whereto remark what I have thought thereon : It hath been told me that at Panzoust near Crouly , dwelleth a very famous Sibyl , who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things to come . Take Epestimon in your Company , repair towards her , and hear what she will say unto you . She is possibly ( quoth Epistemon ) she is some Canidia , Sagane or Pythonisse , either whereof with us is vulgarly called a Witch . I being the more easily induced to give Credit to the truth of this Character of her , that the place of her Abode is vilely stained with the abominable repute of abounding more with Sorcerers and Witches than ever did the Plains of Thessaly . I should not , to my thinking , go thither willingly , for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable , and altogether forbidden in the Law of Moyses . We are not Iews , ( quoth Pantagruel ) nor is it a matter judiciously confess'd by her , nor authentically proved by others that she is a Witch . Let us for the present suspend our Judgment , and defer till after your return from thence , the sifting and garbeling of those Niceties . Do we know but that she may be an Eleventh Sibyl , or a Second Cassandra ? But although she were neither , and she did not merit the Name or Title of any of these Renowned Prophetesses , what Hazard , in the Name of God , do you run , by offering to talk and confer with her of the instant Perplexity and Perturbation of your Thoughts ? Seeing especially ( and which is most of all ) she is in the Estimation of those that are acquainted with her , held to know more , and to be of a deeper reach of Understanding , than is either customary to the Country wherein she liveth , or to the Sex whereof she is . What hindrance , hurt or harm doth the laudable desire of Knowledge bring to any Man , were it from a Sot , a Pot , a Fool , a Stool , a Winter Mittam , a Truckle for a Pully , the Lid of a Goldsmiths Crucible , an Oil-Bottle , or old Slipper ? You may remember to have read , or heard at least , that Alexander the Great , immediately after his having obtained a glorious Victory over the King Darius in Arbeles , refused in the Presence of the splendid and illustrious Courtiers that were about him , to give Audience to a poor certain despicable-like Fellow , who through the Soilicitations and Mediatio● of some of his Royal Attendants ▪ was admitted humbly to beg that Grace and Favour of him : But sore did he repent , although in vain , a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter , the surly State which he then took upon him to the Denial of so just a Suit , the Grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a Brace of potent Cities . He was indeed Victorious in Persia , but withal so far distant from Macedonia , his Hereditary Kingdom , that the Joy of the one did not expel the extream Grief , which through occasion of the other he had inwardly conceived ; for not being able with all his Power to find or invent a convenient Mean and Expedient , how to get or come by the certainty of any News from thence ; both by reason of the huge remoteness of the places from one to another , as also because of the impeditive Interposition of many great Rivers , the interjacent Obstacle of divers wild Deserts , and obstructive Interjection of sundry almost inaccessible Mountains . Whilst he was in this sad quandary and sollicitous pensiveness , which , you may suppose , could not be of a small Vexation to him ; considering that it was a matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole Native Soil , possess his Country , seize on his Kingdom , install a new King in the Throne , and plant thereon Foreign Colonies , long before he could come to have any Advertisement of it . For obviating the Jeopardy of so dreadful Inconveniency , and putting a fit Remedy thereto , a certain Sydonian Merchant of a low Stature , but high Fancy , very poor in shew , and to the outward appearance of little or no Account , having presented himself before him , went about to affirm and declare , that he had excogitated and hit upon a ready mean and way , by the which those of his Territories at home should come to the certain notice of his Indian Victories , and himself be perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within less then five days . Whereupon the said Alexander , plunged into a sullen Animadvertency of mind , through his rash Opinion of the Improbability of performing a so strange and impossible-like Undertaking , dismissed the Merchant without giving ear to what he had to say , and villify'd him . What could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest Man had invented and contrived for his good ? What Detriment , Annoyance , Damage or Loss could he have undergone to listen to the Discovery of that Secret , which the good Fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him ? Nature , I am perswaded , did not without a cause frame our Eyes open , putting thereto no Gate at all , nor shutting them up with any manner of Inclosures , as she hath done unto the Tongue , the Eyes , and other such out-jetting parts of the Body : The Cause , as I imagine , is , to the end that every Day and every Night , and that ●ontinually , we may be ready to hear , and by a perpetual hearing apt to learn : For of all the Senses , it is the fittest for the reception of the knowledge of Arts , Sciences and Disciplines ; and it may be , that Man was an Angel , ( that is to say , a Messenger sent from God ) as Raphael was to Toby . Too suddenly did he contemn , despise and misregard him ; but too long thereafter , by an untimely and too late Repentance did he do Pennance for it . You say very well , ( answered Epistemon ) yet shall you never for all that induce me to believe , that it can tend any way to the Advantage or Commodity of a Man , to take Advice and Counsel of a Woman , namely , of such a Woman , and the Woman of such a Country . Truly I have found ( quoth Panurge ) a great deal of good in the Counsel of Women , chiefly in that of the Old Wives amongst them ; who for every time I consult with them , I readily get a Stool or two extraordinary , to the great Solace of my Bum-gut passage . They are as Slothounds in the Infallibility of their Scent , and in their Sayings no less Sententious than the Rubricks of the Law . Therefore in my Conceit it is not an improper kind of Speech to call them Sage or Wise Women . In confirmation of which Opinion of mine , the customary style of my Language alloweth them the Denomination of Presage Women . The Epithet of Sage is due unto them , because they are surpassing dextrous in the knowledge of most things· And I give them the Title of Presage , for that they Divinely foresee , and certainly foretel future Contingencies , and Events of things to come . Sometimes I call them not Maunettes , but Monettes , from their wholsom Monitions . Whether it be so , ask Pythagoras , Socrates , Empedocles , and our Master Ortuinus . I furthermore praise and commend above the Skies the ancient memorable Institution of the pristine Germans , who ordained the Responces and Documents of Old Women to be highly extolled , most cordially reverenced , and prised at a rate , in nothing inferiour to the weight , test and standerd of the Sanctuary : And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of these sound Advices , so by honouring and following them did they prove no less fortunate in the happy Success of all their Endeavours . Witness the Old Wife Antinia , and the good Mother Villed , in the days of Vespasian . You need not any way doubt , but that Feminine Old Age is always fructifying in Qualities Sublime , I would have said Sibylline . Let us go , by the help ; let us go , by the Vertue . God , let us go . Farewel , Friar Iohn , I recommend the care of my Codpiece to you . Well , ( quoth Epistemon ) I will follow you , with this protestation nevertheless , that if I happen to get a sure information , or otherways find , that she doth use any kind of Charm or Enchantment in her Responses , it may not be imputed to me for a blame to leave you at the Gate of her House , without accompanying you any further in .

CHAP. XVII . How Panurge spoke to the Sybil of Panzoust .

THeir Voyage was three days Journeying , on the third whereof was shewn unto them the House of the Vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a Hill , under a large and spacious Walnut-Tree . Without great difficulty they entred into that straw-thatch'd Cottage , scurvily built , naughtily movabled , and all besmoaked . It matters not , ( quoth Epistemon ) Heraclitus , the grand Scotist , and tenebrous darksome Philosopher , was nothing astonished at his Introit into such a course and paultry Habitation ; for he did usually shew forth unto his Sectators and Disciples , That the Gods made as cheerfully their Residence in these mean homely Mansions , as in sumptuous , magnifick Palaces , replenished with all manner of delight , pomp , and pleasure . I withal do really believe , that the Dwelling-place of the so famous and renowned Hecate , was just such another petty Cell as this is , when she made a Feast therein to the valiant Theseus . And that of no other better Structure was the Coat or Cabin of Hyreus , or Oaenopion , wherein Iupiter , Neptune , and Mercury were not ashamed , all three together , to harbour and sojourn a whole Night , and there to take a full and hearty Repast ; for the payment of the Shot they thankfully ed Orion .

They finding the ancient Woman , at a corner of her own Chimney , Epistemon said , She is indeed a true Sybil , and the lively Pourtraict of one represented by the 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 of Homer . The old Hag was in a pitiful bad plight and condition , in matter of the outward state and complexion of her Body , the ragged and tottred Equipage of her Person , in the point of Accoutrement , and beggerly poor Provision of Fare for her Diet and Entertainment ; for she was ill apparelled , worse nourished , Toothless , Blear-eyed , Crook-shoulder'd , snotty , her Nose still dropping , and herself still drooping , faint , and pithless . Whilst in this wofully wretched case she was making ready for her Dinner , Porridge of wrinkled green Colworts , with a bit skin of yellow Bacon , mixed with a twice before crooked sort of watrish , unsavoury Broath , extracted out of bare and hollow Bones . Epistemon said , By the Cross of a Groat , we are to blame , nor shall we get from her any Responce at all : for we have not brought along with us the Branch of Gold . I have ( quoth Panurge ) provided pretty well for that , for here I have it within my Bag , in the substance of a Gold Ring , accompanied with some fair Pieces of small Money . No sooner were these words spoken , when Panurge coming up towards her , after the Ceremonial performance of a profound and humble Salutation , presented her with six Neats-Tongues dried in the Smoke , a great Butter-pot full of fresh Cheese , a Boracho furnished with good Beverage , and a Rams Cod stored with Single Pence , newly coyned : At last he , with a low Curtsie , put on her Medical Finger , a pretty handsome Golden Ring , whereinto was right artificially inchased a precious Toadstone of Beausse . This done , in few words , and very succinctly did he set open , and expose unto her the motive Reason of his coming , most civilly and courteously entreating her , that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give him an ample and plenary Intelligence , concerning the future good luck of his intended Marriage .

The old Trot for a while remained silent , pensive , and girning like a Dog , then , after she had set her withered Breech upon the bottom of a Bushel , she took into her Hands three old Spindles , which when she had turned and whirled betwixt her Fingers very diversly , and after several fashions , she pryed more narrowly into , by the tryal of their points ; the sharpest whereof she retained in her hand , and threw the other two under a Stone Trough ; after this she took a pair of Yarn Windles , which she nine times unintermittedly veered , and frisked about , then at the ninth revolution or turn , without touching them any more , maturely perpending the manner of their motion , she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from any further stirring . In sequel whereof , she pull'd off one of her wooden Pattens , put her Apron over her Head , as a Priest use to do his Amice , when he is going to sing Mass , and with a kind of antick , gaudy , party-colour'd String , knit it under her Neck . Being thus covered and muffled , she whiffed off a lusty good Draught out of the Borachoe , took three several Pence forth of the Ram Cod Fob , put them into so many Walnut-shells , which she set down upon the bottom of a Feather-pot ; and then after she had given them three Whisks of a Broom Besom a-thwart the Chimney , casting into the Fire half a Bevin of long Heather , together with a Branch of dry Laurel , she observed with a very hush , and coy silence , in what form they did burn , and saw , that although they were in a flame , they made no kind of noise , or crackling din , hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful shout , muttering betwixt her Teeth some few barbarous words , of a strange termination .

This so terrified Panurge , that he forthwith said to Epistemon , The Devil mince me into a Gally-mafry , if I do not tremble for fear . I do not think but that I am now inchanted ; for she uttereth not her Voice in the terms of any Christian Language . O look , I pray you , how she seemeth unto me , to be by three full spans higher than she was , when she began to hood her self with her Apron .

What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy Chaps ? What can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy Shoulders ? to what end doth she quaver with her Lips , like a Monkey in the dismembring of a Lobster ? My Ears through horrour glow ; ah ! how they tingle . I think I hear the skreaking of Proserpina ; the Devils are breaking loose to be all here . O the foul , ugly , and deformed Beasts ! Let us run away ! by the Hook of God , I am like to die for fear ! I do not love the Devils ; they vex me , and are unpleasant Fellows . Now let us fly , and betake us to our heels . Farewel Gammer ; Thanks and Grammercy for your Goods . I will not marry , no , believe me , I will not ; I fairly quit my Interest therein , and totally abandon and renounce it , from this time forward , even as much as at present . With this , as he endeavoured to make an escape out of the room , the old Crone did anticipate his flight , and make him stop ; the way how she prevented him was this : whilst in her hand she held the Spindle , she flung out to a Back-yard close by her Lodge , where after she had peeled off the Barks of an old Sycamore , three several times , she very summarily , upon eight Leaves which dropt from thence , wrote with the Spindle-point some curt , and briefly couched Verses , which she threw into the Air , then said unto them , Search after them if you will ; find them if you can ; the fatal Destinies of your Marriage written in them .

No sooner had she done thus speaking , when she did withdraw herself unto her lurking Hole , where on the upper Seat of the Porch , she tucked up her Gown , her Coats and Smock , as high as her Arm-pits , and gave them a full inspection of the Nockandroe : which being perceived by Panurge , he said to Epistemon , Gods Bodekins , I see the Sybil's Hole . She suddenly then bolted the Gate behind her , and was never since seen any more . They joyntly ran in hast after the fallen and dispersed Leaves , and gathered them at last , though not without great labour and toyl , for the Wind had scattered them amongst the Thorn-bushes of the Valley . When they had ranged them each after other in their due places , they found out their Sentence , as it is metrified in this Ocstatick : Thy Fame upheld , Even so , so : And she with Child Of thee : No. Thy Good End Suck she shall , And flay thee , Friend , But not all .

CHAP. XVIII . How Pantagruel , and Panurge did diversly Expound the Verses of the Sybil of Panzoust .

THE Leaves being thus collected , and orderly disposed , Epistemon and Panurge returned to Pantagruel's Court , partly well pleased , and other part discontented : glad for their being come back , and vexed for the trouble they had sustained by the way , which they found to be craggy , rugged , stony , rough , and ill adjusted . They made an ample and full Relation of their Voyage , unto Pantagruel ; as likewise of the Estate and Condition of the Sybil. Then having presented to him the Leaves of the Sycamore , they shew him the short and twattle Verses that were written in them . Pantagruel having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the matter , fetch'd from his Heart a deep and heavy Sigh , then said to Panurge : You are now , forsooth , in a good taking , and have brought your Hogs to a fine Market : the Prophesie of the Sybil doth explain and lay out before us , the same very Predictions which have been denotated , foretold , and presaged to us by the Decree of the Virgilian Lots , and the Verdict of your own proper Dreams : to wit , that you shall be very much disgraced , shamed , and discredited by your Wife : for that she will make you a Cuckold in prostituting herself to others , being big with Child by another than you ; will steal from you a great deal of your Goods , and will beat you , scratch , and bruise you , even from plucking the skin in apart from off you ; will leave the Print of her Blows in some Member of your Body . You understand as much ( answered Panurge ) in the veritable Interpretation , and Expounding of recent Prophesies , as a Sow in the matter of Spicery . Be not offended ( Sir , I beseech you ) that I speak thus boldly ; for I find myself a little in Choler , and that not without cause , seeing it is the contrary that is true ; take heed , and give attentive Ear unto my words : The old Wife said , that as the Bean is not seen till first it be unhuskt , and that its swad or hull be shaled , and pilled from off it : so is it that my vertue and transcendent worth will never come by the Mouth of Fame , to be blazed abroad proportionable to the height , extent , and measure of the excellency thereof , until preallably I get a Wife , and make the full half of a married Couple . How many times have I heard you say , that the Function of a Magistrate , or Office of Dignity , discovereth the Merits , Parts , and Endowments of the Person so advanced and promoted , and what is in him : that is to say , we are then best able to judge aright of the Deservings of a Man , when he is called to the management of Affairs : for when before he lived in a private Condition , we could have no more certain knowledge of him , then of a Bean within his Husk . And thus stands the first Article explained : otherways could you imagine , that the good Fame , Repute , and Estimation of an Honest Man , should depend upon the Tayl of a Whore ?

Now to the meaning of the Second Article : My Wife will be with Child , ( here lies the prime Felicity of Marriage ) but not of me . Copsody , that I do believe indeed : It will be of a pretty little Infant : O how heartily I shall love it ! I do already dote upon it ; for it will be my dainty Fedle-darling , my gentiel Dilli-minion . From thenceforth no Vexation , Care , or Grief , shall take such deep impression in my Heart , how hugely great or vehement soever it otherways appear ; but that it shall evanish forthwith , at the sight of that my future Babe ; and at the hearing of the Chat and Prating of its Childish Gibbridge : And blessed be the Old Wife . By my truly , I have a mind to settle some good Revenue or Pension upon her , out of the readiest Increase of the Lands of my Salmigondinois ; not an inconstant , and uncertain Rent-seek , like that of witless , giddy-headed Batchellors , but sure and fixed , of the nature of the well-payed Incomes of Regenting Doctors .

If this Interpretation doth not please you , think you my Wife will bear me in her Flanks : Conceive with me , and be of me delivered , as Women use in Childbed to bring forth their Young Ones : so as that it may be said , Panurge is a second Bacchus , he hath been twice born ; he is re-born , as was Hypolitus , as was Proteus , one time of Thetis ; and secondly , of the Mother of the Philosopher Apollonius : as were the two Palices , near the Flood Samethoe , in Sicily : his Wife was big of Child with him . In him is renewed and begun again the Palintocy , and of the Megariens , and the Palingenesie of Democritus . Fie upon such Errors , to hear stuff of that nature rends mine Ears .

The words of the third Article are : She will suck me at my best End . Why not ? that pleaseth me right well . You know the thing , I need not tell you , that it is my intercrural Pudding with one end . I swear and promise , that in what I can , I will preserve it sappy , full of juyce , and as well victualled for her use as may be ; she shall not suck me , I believe , in vain , nor be destitute of her allowance ; there shall her justum both in Peck and Lippy be furnish'd to the full eternally . You expound this passage allegorically , and interpret it to Theft and Larceny . I love the Exposition , and the Allegory pleaseth me ; but not according to the Sence whereto you stretch it . It may be that the sincerity of the Affection which you bear me ▪ moveth you to harbour in your Breast those refractory thoughts concerning me , with a suspition of my Adversity to come . We have this saying from the Learned , That a marvelously fearful thing is Love , and that true Love is never without fear . But ( Sir ) according to my Judgment , you do understand both of and by your self , that here Stealth signifieth nothing else , no more then in a thousand other places of Greek and Latin , Old and Modern Writings , but the sweet fruits of amorous Dalliance , which Venus liketh best , when reap'd in secret , and cull'd by fervent Lovers filchingly .

Why so ? I prithee tell : Because when the Feat of the loose Coat Skirmish happeneth to be done under-hand and privily , between two well-disposed , athwart the Steps of a Pair of Stairs , lurkingly , and in covert , behind a Suit of Hangings , or close hid and trussed upon an unbound Faggot , it is more pleasing to the Cyprian Goddess , ( and to me also , I speak this without prejudice to any better , or more sound Opinion ) then to perform that Culbusting Art , after the Cynick manner , in the view of the clear Sun-shine , or in a rich Tent , under a precious stately Canopy , within a glorious and sublime Pavilion , or yet on a soft Couch betwixt rich Curtains of Cloth of Gold , without affrightment , at long intermediate Respits , enjoying of Pleasures and Delights a Belly-full , all at great ease , with a huge fly-flap Fan of Crimson Sattin , and a Bunch of Feathers of some East-Indian Ostrich , serving to give Chace unto the Flyes all round about : whilst ; in the Interim , the Female picks her Teeth with a stiff Straw , pick'd even then from out of the bottom of the Bed she lies on .

If you be not content with this my Exposition , are you of the mind that my Wife will suck and sup me up as People use to gulp and swallow Oysters out of the Shell ? Or as the Cilician Women , according to the Testimony of Dioscorides , were wont to do the Grain of Alkermes ? Assuredly that is an Error . Who seizeth on it , doth neither gulch up , nor swill down ; but takes away what hath been packed up , catcheth , snatcheth , and plies the Play of Hey pass , Repass .

The Fourth Article doth imply , That my Wife will flay me , but not at all . O the fine Word ! You interpret this to beating Strokes and Blows . Speak wisely : Will you eat a Pudding ? Sir , I beseech you to raise up your Spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly Thoughts unto that hight of sublime Contemplation , which reacheth to the Apprehension of the Mysteries and Wonders of Dame Nature . And here be pleased to condemn your self , by a renouncing of those Errors which you have committed very grosly , and somewhat perversly , in expounding the Prophetick Sayings of the Holy Sybil. Yet put the case ( albeit I yield not to it ) that by the Instigation of the Devil , my Wife should go about to wrong me , make me a Cuckold downwards to the very Breech , disgrace me otherways , steal my Goods from me ; yea , and lay violently her Hands upon me ; she nevertheless should fail of her Attempts , and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable Undertakings .

The Reason which induceth me hereto , is grounded totally on this last Point , which is extracted from the profoundest Privacies of a Monastick Pantheology , as good Friar Arther Wagtaile told me once upon a Monday morning ; as we were ( if I have not forgot ) eating a Bushel of Trotter-pies ; and I remember well it rained hard : God give him the good Morrow .

The Women at the beginning of the World , or a little after , conspired to flay the Men quick , because they found the Spirit of Mankind inclined to domineer it , and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole Earth ; and in pursuit of this their Resolution , promised , confirmed , sworn and covenanted amongst them all , by the pure Faith they owe to the nocturnal Sanct Rogero . But O the vain Enterprises of Women ! O the great Fragility of that Sex Feminine ! They did begin to flay the Man , or pill him , ( as says Catullus ) at that Member which of all the Body they loved best ; to wit , the nervous and cavernous Cane ; and that above five thousand years ago ; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till this hour but the Head : In meer despite whereof the Iews snip off that parcel of the Skin in Circumcision , choosing far rather to be called Clip-yards , Raskals , than to be flayed by Women , as are other Nations . My Wife , according to this Female Covenant , will flay it to me , if it be not so already . I heartily grant my Consent thereto , but will not give her leave to flay it all : Nay , truly will I not , my noble King . Yea , but ( quoth Epistemon ) you say nothing of her most dreadful Cries and Exclamations , when she and we both saw the Lawrel-bough burn without yielding any noise or crackling . You know it is a very dismal Omen , an inauspicious sign , unlucky judice , and token formidable , bad , disastrous , and most unhappy , as is certified by Propertius , Tibullus , the quick Philosopher Porphyrius , Eustachius on the Iliads of Homer , and by many others .

Verily , verily , ( quoth Panurge ) brave are the Allegations which you bring me , and Testimonies of two-footed Calves . These Men were Fools , as they were Poets ; and Dotards , as they were Philosophers ; full of Folly , as they were of Philosophy .

CHAP. XIX . How Pantagruel praiseth the Counsel of Dumb Men.

PAntagruel , when this Discourse was ended , held for a pretty while his Peace , seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive , then said to Panurge , the malignant Spirit misleads , beguileth and seduceth you . I have read that in times past the surest and most veritable Oracles were not those which either were delivered in Writing , or utter'd by word of Mouth in speaking : For many times , in their Interpretation , right witty , learned and ingenious Men have been deceived thro' Amphibolories , Equivoks , and Obscurity of Words , no less than by the brevity of their Sentences . For which cause Apollo , the God of Vaticination , was Surnamed 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . Those which were represented then by Signs and outward Gestures were accounted the truest and the most infallible . Such was the Opinion of Heraclitus : And Iupitur did himself in this manner give forth in Amon frequently Predictions : Nor was he single in this Practice ; for Apollo did the like amongst the Assyrians . His prophesying thus unto those People , moved them to paint him with a large long Beard , and Cloaths beseeming an old setled Person , of a most posed , stayed and grave Behaviour ; not naked , young and beardless , as he was pourtrayed most usually amongst the Graecians . Let us make trial of this kind of Fatidicency ; and go you take Advice of some dumb Person without any speaking . I am content , ( quoth Panurge . ) But , says Pantagruel , it were requisite that the Dumb you consult with be such as have been deaf from the hour of their Nativity , and consequently dumb ; for none can be so lively , natural , and kindly dumb , as he who never heard .

How is it , ( quoth Panurge ) that you conceive this matter ? If you apprehend it so , that never any spoke , who had not before heard the Speech of others , I will from that Antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd and paradoxical Conclusion . But let it pass ; I will not insist on it . You do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two Children , who at the special Command and Appointment of Psammeticus King of Egypt , having been kept in a petty Country Cottage , where they were nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence , did at last , after a certain long space of time , pronounce this word Bee , which in the Phrygian Language signifieth Bread . Nothing less ( quoth Pantagruel ) do I believe , than that it is a meer abusing of our Understandings to give Credit to the words of those , who say that there is any such thing as a Natural Language . All Speeches have had their primary Origin from the Arbitrary Institutions , Accords and Agreements of Nations in their respective Condescendments to what should be noted and betokened by them . An Articulate Voice ( according to the Dialecticians ) hath naturally no signification at all ; for that the sence and meaning thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first Deviser and Imposer of it . I do not tell you this without a Cause ; for Bartholus , Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig . very seriously reporteth , that even in his time there was in Cugubia one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis , who although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf , understood nevertheless every one that talked in the Italian Dialect howsoever he expressed himself ; and that only by looking on his external Gestures , and casting an attentive Eye upon the divers motions of his Lips and Chaps . I have read , I remember also , in a very literate and eloquent Author , that Turidates King of Armenia , in the days of Nero , made a Voyage to Rome , where he was received with great Honour and Solemnity , and with all manner of Pomp and Magnificence : Yea , to the end there might be a sempiternal Amity and Correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman Senate ; there was no remarkable thing in the whole City which was not shown unto him .

At his Departure the Emperor bestowed upon him many ample Donatives of an inestimable Value : And besides , the more entirely to testifie his Affection towards him , heartily intrusted him to be pleased to make choice of any whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his Fancy ; with a Promise juramentally confirmed , That he should not be refused of his Demand . Thereupon , after a suitable Return of Thanks for a so gracious Offer , he required a certain Iack-pudding , whom he had seen to act his part most egregiously upon the Stage , and whose meaning ( albeit he knew not what it was he had spoken ) he understood perfectly enough by the Signs and Gesticulations which he had made . And for this Suit of his , in that he asked nothing else , he gave this Reason , That in the several wide and spacious Dominions , which were reduced under the Sway and Authority of his Sovereign Government , there were sundry Countries and Nations much differing from one another in Language , with whom , whether he was to speak unto them , or give any Answer to their Requests , he was always necessitated to make use of divers sorts of Truchmen and Interpreters : Now with this Man alone , sufficient for supplying all their places , will that great Inconveniency hereafter be totally removed ; seeing he is such a fine Gesticulator , and in the Practice of Chirology an Artist so compleat , expert and dextrous , that with his very Fingers he doth speak . Howsoever you are to pitch upon such a dumb Bone as is deaf by nature , and from his Birth ; to the end that his Gestures and Signs may be the more vively and truly Prophetick , and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some adulterate Lustre and Affectation . Yet whether this dumb Person shall be of the Male or Female Sex is in your Option , lieth at your Discretion , and altogether dependeth on your own Election .

I would more willingly ( quoth Panurge ) consult with and be advised by a Dumb Woman , were it not that I am affraid of two things . The first is , That the greater part of Women , whatever it be that they see , do always represent unto their Fancies , think and imagine , that it hath some relation to the sugred entring of the goodly Ithypallos , and graffing in the Cleft of the overturned Tree , the quick-set Imp of the Pin of Copulation . Whatever Signs , Shews or Gestures we shall make , or whatever our Behaviour , Carriage or Demeanour shall happen to be in their view and Presence , they will interpret the whole in reference to the act of Androgynation , and the culbatizing Exercise , by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of our Designs , in regard that she will take all our Signs for nothing else but Tokens and Representations of our Desire to entice her unto the Lists of a Cyprian Combat , or Catsenconny Skirmish .

Do you remember what hapned at Rome two hundred and threescore Years after the Foundation thereof ? A young Roman Gentleman encountring by chance at the Foot of Mount Celion with a beautiful Latin-Lady named Verona , who from her very Cradle upwards had always been both deaf and dumb , very civilly asked her , ( not without a Chironomatick Italianising of his Demand , with various Jectigation of his Fingers , and other Gesticulations , as yet customary amongst the Speakers of that Country ) what Senators in her Descent from the top of the Hill she had met with going up thither . For you are to conceive , that he knowing no more of her Deafness than Dumbness , was ignorant of both . She in the mean time , who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he had said , streight imagin'd , by all that she could apprehend in the lovely Gesture of his manual Signs , that what he then required of her was , what her self had a great mind to , even that which a Young Man doth naturally desire of a Woman . Then was it , that by Signs ( which in all occurrences of Venerial Love are incomparably more attractive , valid and efficacious than Words ) she beckned to him to come along with her to her House ; which when he had done , she drew him aside to a privy Room , and then made a most lively alluring Sign unto him , to shew that the Game did please her . Whereupon , without any more Advertisement , or so much as the uttering of one Word on either side , they fell to , and bringuardised it lustily .

The other Cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb Women , is , that to our Signs they would make no answer at all , but suddenly fall backwards in a divarication posture , to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their consent to the supposed motion of our tacit Demands . Or if they should chance to make any contre-signs responsory to our Propositions , they would prove so foolish , impertinent , and ridiculous , that by them our selves should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling Academy . You know very well how at Croquiniole , when the religious Nun , sister Fatbum , was made big with Child by the young Stifly-Stantor , her Pregnancy came to be known , and she cited by the Abbess , and in a full Convention of the Convent , accused of Incest . Her excuse was , That she did not consent thereto , but that it was done by the violence and impetuous force of the Friar Stifly-stand-to●t . Hereto the Abbess very austerely replying , Thou naughty wicked Girl , why didst thou not cry , a Rape , a Rape , then should all of us have run to thy Succour . Her answer was , That the Rape was committed in the Dorter , where she durst not cry , because it was a place of sempiternal Silence . But ( quoth the Abbess ) thou roguish Wench , why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next Chamber beside thee ? To this she answered , That with her Buttocks she made a sign unto them , as vigorously as she could , yet never one of them did so much as offer to come to her help and assistance . But ( quoth the Abbess ) thou scurvy baggage , why didst not thou tell it me immediately after the perpetration of the Fact , that so we might orderly , regularly , and canonically have accused him ? I would have done so , had the case been mine , for the clearer manifestation of mine Innocency . I truly , Madam , would have done the like with all my heart and soul , ( quoth Sister Fatbum ) but that fearing I should remain in Sin , and in the hazard of Eternal Damnation , if prevented by a sudden Death , I did confess my self to the Father Fryar before he went out of the Room , who for my Penance , enjoyned me not to tell it , or reveal the matter unto any . It were a most enormous and horrid Offence , detestable before God and the Angels , to reveal a Confession : such an abominable Wickedness would have possibly brought down Fire from Heaven , wherewith to have burnt the whole Nunnery , and sent us all headlong to the bottomless Pit , to bear company with Corah , Dathan , and Abiram . You will not ( quoth Pantagruel ) with all your Jesting make me laugh ; I know that all Monks , Fryars , and Nuns had rather violate and infringe the highest of the Commandments of God , then break the least of their Provincial Statutes .

Take you therefore Goatsnose , a Man very fit for your present purpose ; for he is , and hath been , both dumb and deaf from the very remotest Infancy of his Childhood .

CHAP. XX. How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge .

Goatsnose being sent for , came the day thereafter to Pantagruel's Court ; at his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat Calf , the half of a Hog , two Punchions of Wine , one Load of Corn , and thirty Franks of small Money : then having brought him before Pantatgruel , in presence of the Gentlemen of the Bed-chamber , he made this sign unto him . He yawned along time , and in yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure of the Greek Letter Tau by frequent reiterations . Afterwards he lifted up his eyes to Heaven-wards , then turned them in his Head like a Shee-goat in the painful fit of an absolute Birth , in doing whereof he did cough and sigh exceeding heavily : This done , after that he had made demonstration of the want of his Codpiece , he from under his shirt took his Placket-racket in a full gripe , making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his Thighs : then no sooner had he with his Body stooped a little forwards , and bowed his left Knee , but that immediately thereupon holding both his Arms on his Breast , in a loose faint-like Posture , the one over the other , he paused awhile . Goatsnose looked wistly upon him , and having heedfully enough viewed him all over , he lifted up into the Air his left Hand , the whole fingers whereof he retained fist-ways closed together , except the Thumb and the Fore-finger , whose Nails he softly joyned and coupled to one another . I understand ( quoth Pantagruel ) what he meaneth by that sign : it denotes marriage , and withal the number thirty , according to the Profession of Pythagorians , you will be married . Thanks to you ( quoth Panurge ) in turning himself towards Goatsnose , my little Sewer , pretty Masters-mate , dainty Baily , curious Sergeant-Marshal , and jolly Catchpole-leader . Then did he lift higher up than before his said left Hand , stretching out all the five Fingers thereof , and severing them as wide from one another as he possibly could get done . Here ( says Pantagruel ) doth he more amply and fully insinuate unto us , by the Token which he sheweth forth of the Quinary number , that you shall be married . Yea , that you shall not only be affianced , betrothed , wedded , and married , but that you shall furthermore cohabit , and live jollily and merrily with your Wife ; for Pythagoras called five the Nuptial Number , which together with marriage , signifieth the Consummation of Matrimony , because it is composed of a ternary the first of the odd , and binary , the first of the even Numbers , as of a Male and Female knit and united together . In very deed it was the fashion of old in the City of Rome at Marriage Festivals to light five wax Tapers , nor was it permitted to kindle any more at the magnifick Nuptials of the most Potent and Wealthy ; nor yet any fewer at the penurious Weddings of the Poorest and most Abject of the World . Moreover in times past , the Heathen , or Paynius implored the Assistance of five Deities , or of one helpful ( at least ) in five several good Offices to those that were to be married : of this sort were the Nuptial Iove , Iuno , President of the Feast , the fair Venus , Pitho the Goddess of Eloquence and Perswasion , and Diana , whose aid and succour was required to the labour of Child-bearing . Then shouted Panurge , O the gentile Goatsnose , I will give him a Farm near Gnais , and a Wind-mill hard by Mirebalais . Hereupon the dumb Fellow sneezeth with an impetuous vehemency , and huge concussion of the Spirits of the whole Body , withdrawing himself in so doing with a jerting turn towards the left hand . By the Body of a Fox new slain ( quoth Pantagruel ) what is that ? this maketh nothing for your advantage ; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be inauspicious and unfortunate . This snezing ( according to the Doctrine of Terpsion , is the Socratick Demon ) if done towards the right side , it imports and portendeth , that boldly , and with all assurance , one may go whither he will , and do what he listeth , according to what deliberation he shall be pleased to have thereupon taken : his entries in the beginning , progress in his proceedings , and success in the events and issues will be all lucky , good , and happy . The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied and presaged , if it be done towards the left . You ( quoth Panurge ) do take always the matter at the worst , and continually , like another Davus , casteth in new disturbances and obstructions ; nor ever yet did I know this old paultry Terpsion worthy of citation , but in points only of Cosenage and Imposture . Nevertheless ( quoth Pantagruel ) Cicero hath written I know not what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination .

Panurge then turning himself towards Goatsnose made this sign unto him . He inverted his Eye-lids upwards , wrinched his Jaws from the right to the left side , and drew forth his Tongue half out of his Mouth ; this done , he posited his left Hand wholly open ( the mid-finger wholly excepted , which was perpendicularly placed upon the Palm thereof ) and set it just in the room where his Codpiece had been . Then did he keep his right Hand altogether shut up in a fist , save only the Thumb , which he streight turned backwards directly under the right Arm-pit , and settled it afterwards on that most eminent part of the Buttocks which the Arabs call the Alkatim . Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange , he held his right Hand after the manner of the left , and posited it on the place wherein his Codpiece sometime was , and retaining his left Hand in the form and fashion of the right , he placed it upon his Alkatim : this altering of Hands did he reiterate nine several times ; at the last whereof , he reseated his Eye-lids into their own first natural position . Then doing the like also with his Jaws and Tongue , he did cast a squinting look upon Goatsnose , diddering and shivering his Chaps , as Apes use to do now-a-days , and Rabbets , whilst almost starved with hunger , they are eating Oats in the Sheaf .

Then was it that Goatsnose lifting up into the Air his right Hand wholly open and displayed , put the Thumb thereof , even close unto its first articulation , between the two third Joints of the middle and ring fingers , pressing about the said Thumb thereof very hard with them both , and whilst the remainent Joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the Wrist , he stretched forth with as much straitness as he could , the fore and little fingers . That hand thus framed and disposed of , he laid and posited upon Panurge's Navel , moving withal continually the aforesaid Thumb , and bearing up , supporting , or under-propping that Hand upon the above specified , and fore and little fingers , as upon two Leggs . Thereafter did he make in this posture his Hand by little and little , and by degrees and pauses , successively to mount from athwart the Belly to the Stomach , from whence he made it to ascend to the Breast , even upwards to Panurges's Neck , still gaining ground , till having reached his Chin he had put within the concave of his Mouth his afore-mentioned Thumb : then fiercely brandishing the whole Hand , which he made to rub and grate against his Nose , he heaved it further up , and made the fashion , as if with the Thumb thereof he would have put out his Eyes . With this Panurge grew a little angry , and went about to withdraw , and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb Devil . But Goatsnose in the mean time prosecuting the intended purpose of his Prognosticatory Response , touched very rudely with the above-mentioned shaking Thumb , now his Eyes , then his Forehead , and after that , the borders and corners of his Cap. At last Panurge cried out , saying , Before God , Master-Fool , if you do not let me alone , or that you will presume to vex me any more , you shall receive from the best hand I have a Mask , wherewith to cover your rascally scoundred Face , you paultry shitten Varlet . Then said Fryar Ihon , he is deaf , and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him . Bulliballock , make sign to him of a hail of Fisticuffs upon the Muzzle .

What the Devil ( quoth Panurge ) means this busie restless Fellow ? what is it that this Polypragmonetick Ardelione to all the Fiends of Hell doth aim at ? he hath almost thrust out mine Eyes , as if he had been to potch them in a Skillet with Butter and Eggs , by God , da Iurandi , I will feast you with flirts and raps on the Snout , interlarded with a double row of bobs and finger filipings ? Then did he leave him in giving him by way of Salve a Volley of Farts for his Farewel . Goatsnose perceiving Panurge thus to slip away from him , got before him , and by meer strength enforcing him to stand , made this sign unto him . He let fall his right Arm toward his Knee on the same side as low as he could , and raising all the fingers of that Hand into a close fist , past his dexterer Thumb betwixt the foremost and mid-fingers thereto belonging . Then scrubbing and swindging a little with his left Hand alongst , and upon the uppermost in the very bought of the Elbow of the said dexter Arm , the whole Cubit thereof by leisure fair , and softly , at these thumpatory warnings , did raise and elevate it self even to the Elbow , and above it , on a suddain did he then let it fall down as low as before : and after that , at certain intervals and such spaces of time , raising and abasing it , he made a shew thereof to Panurge . This so incensed Panurge , that he forthwith lifted his Hand to have strucken him the dumb Royster , and given him a sound whirret on the Ear , but that the respect and reverence which he carried to the Presence of Pantagruel restrained his Choler , and kept his Fury within bounds and limits . Then said Pantagruel , If the bare signs now vex and trouble you , how much more grievously will you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things , which by them are represented and signified . All Truths agree , and are consonant with one another ; this dumb Fellow Prophesieth and Foretelleth that you will be married , cuckolded , beaten and robbed . As for the marriage ( quoth Panurge ) I yield thereto , and acknowledge the verity of that point of his Prediction ; as for the rest I utterly abjure and deny it : and believe Sir , I beseech you , if it may please you so to do , that in the matter of Wives and Horses , never any Man was predestinated to a better Fortune than I.

CHAP. XXI . How Panurge consulteth with an old French Poet , named Raminagrobis .

I Never thought ( said Pantagruel ) to have encountred with any Man so head-strong in his Apprehensions , or in his Opinions so wilful , as I have found you to be , and see you are . Nevertheless , the better to clear and extricate your Doubts , let us try all courses , and leave no stone unturned , nor wind unsailed by . Take good heed to what I am to say unto you , the Swans , which are Fouls consecrated to Apollo , never chant but in the hour of their approaching Death , especially in the Meander Flood , which is a River that runneth along some of the Territories of Phrygia . This I say , because Elianus and Alexander Wyndius write , that they had seen several Swans in other places die , but never heard any of them sing , or chant before their death . However , it passeth for current that the imminent death of a Swan is presaged by his foregoing Song , and that no Swan dieth until preallably he have Sung .

After the same manner Poets , who are under the protection of Apollo , when they are drawing near their latter end , do ordinarily become Prophets , and by the inspiration of that God sing sweetly , in vaticinating things which are to come . It hath been likeways told me frequently , That old decrepit Men upon the Brinks of Charon's Banks , do usher their Decease with a disclosure , all at ease ( to those that are desirous of such Informations ) of the determinate and assured truth of future Accidents and Contingencies . I remember also that Aristophanes , in a certain Comedy of his , calleth folks Sybils , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , for as when being upon a Peer by the Shore , we see afar off Mariners , Sea-faring men , and other Travellers alongst the curled Waves of Azure Thetis within their Ships , we then consider them in silence only , and seldom proceed any further than to wish them a happy and prosperous Arrival : but when they do approach near to the Haven , and come to wet their Keels within their Harbour , then both with words and gestures we salute them , and heartily congratulate their Access safe to the Port wherein we are our selves . Just so the Angels , Heroes , and good Demons ( according to the Doctrine of Platonicks ) when they see Mortals drawing near unto the Harbour of the Grave , as the most sure and calmest Port of any , full of Repose , Ease , Rest , Tranquility ; free from the Troubles and Sollicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous World ; then is it that they with alacrity Hale and Salute them , Cherish and Comfort them , and speaking to them lovingly , begin even then to bless them with Illuminations , and to communicate unto them the abstrusest Mysteries of Divination . I will not offer here to confound your Memory by quoting antick Examples of Isaac , of Iacob , of Patroclus towards Hector , of Hector towards Achilles , of Polymnester towards Agamemnon , of Hecuba , of the Phodian renowned by Possidonius , of Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the Great , of Orodes towards Mezentius , and of many others ; it shall suffice for the present , that I commemorate unto you the learned and valiant Knight and Cavalier William of Ballay , late Lord of Langcy , who died on the Hill of Tarara , the Tenth of Ianuary , in the Climacterick year of his Age , and of our Supputation 1543. according to the Roman Account . The last three or four hours of his Life he did imploy in the serious utterance of a very pithy Discourse , whilst with a clear Judgment , and Spirit void of all Trouble , he did foretell several important Things , whereof a great deal is come to pass , and the rest we wait for . Howbeit , his Prophesies did at that time seem unto us somewhat strange , absurd , and unlikely ; because there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our Faith to the belief of what he did prognosticate .

We have hear near to the Town of Villomer , a Man that is both Old and a Poet , to wit , Raminogrobis , who to his Second Wife espoused my Lady Broadsow , on whom he begot the fair Basoche ; it hath been told me , he is a dying , and so near unto his latter end , that he is almost upon the very last moment , point , and article thereof ; repair thither as fast as you can , and be ready to give an attentive Ear to what he shall chant unto you : it may be , that you shall obtain from him what you desire , and that Apollo will be pleased , by his means , to clear your scruples . I am content ( quoth Panurge ) let us go thither Epistemon , and that both instantly and in all hast , least otherways his Death prevent our coming . Wilt thou come along with us , Fryar Ihon ? Yes , that I will , ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) right heartily to do thee a Courtesie , my Billy-ballocks ; for I love thee with the best of my Milt and Liver . Thereupon , incontinently , without any further lingring to the way , they all three went , and quickly thereafter ( for they made good speed ) arriving at the Poetical Habitation , they found the jolly Old Man , albeit in the Agony of his Departure from this World , looking chearfully , with an open Countenance , splendid Aspect , and Behaviour full of alacrity . After that Panurge had very civilly saluted him , he in a free Gift did present him with a Gold Ring , which he even then put upon the Medical Finger of his Left Hand , in the Collet or Bezle whereof was inchased an Oriental Saphire , very fair and large . Then , in imitation of Socrates , did he make an Oblation unto him of a fair White Cock ; which was no sooner set upon the Tester of his Bed , then that with a high raised Head and Crest , lustily shaking his Feather-Coat , he crowed Stentoriphonically loud . This done , Panurge very courteously required of him , that he would vouchsafe to favour him with the Grant and Report of his Sence and Judgment , touching the future Destiny of his intended Marriage . For answer hereto , when the honest Old Man had forthwith commanded Pen , Paper , and Ink to be brought unto him , and that he was at the same Call conveniently served with all the three , he wrote these following Verses : Take , or not take her , Off , or on : Handy-dandy is your Lot . When her Name you write , you blot . 'T is undone , when all is done , Ended e're it was begun : Hardly Gallop , if you Trot , Set not forward when you Run , Nor be single , tho' alone , Take , or not take her . Before you Eat , begin to Fast ; For what shall be was never past . Say , unsay , gainsay , save your Breath : Then wish at once her Life and Death . Take , or not take her . These Lines he gave out of his own Hands unto them , saying unto them , Go my Lads in Peace , the great God of the highest Heavens be your Guardian and Preserver ; and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with this or any other Business whatsoever . I have this same very day ( which is the last both of May and of me ) with a great deal of labour , toyl , and difficulty , chased out of my House a rabble of filthy , unclean , and plaguily pestilentious Rake-hells , black Beasts , dusk , dun , white , ash-coloured , speckled , and a foul Vermine of other hues , whose obtrusive importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease : for by fraudulent and deceitful pricklings , ravenous , Harpy-like graspings , waspish stingings , and such-like unwelcome Approaches , forged in the Shop of I know not what kind of Insatiabilities ; they went about to withdraw , and call me out of those sweet Thoughts , wherein I was already beginning to repose myself , and acquiesce in the Contemplation and Vision ; yea , almost in the very touch and tast of the Happiness and Felicity which the good God hath prepared for his faithful Saints , and Elect in the other Life , and State of Immortality . Turn out of their Courses , and eschew them , step forth of their ways , and do not resemble them , mean while , let me be no more troubled by you , but leave me now in silence , I beseech you .

CHAP. XXII . How Panurge Patrocinates and Defendeth the Order of the Begging Fryars .

PAnurge , at his issuing forth of Raminagobris's Chamber , said , as if he had been horribly affrighted , by the Vertue of God , I believe that he is an Heretick , the Devil take me , if I do not ; he doth so villanously rail at the Mendicant Fryars , and Iacobins : who are the two Hemispheres of the Christian World ; by whose Gyronomonick Circumbilvaginations , as by two Celivagous Filopendulums , all the Autonomatick Metagrobolism of the Romish Church , when tottering and emblustricated with the Gibble gabble Gibbrish of this odious Error and Heresie , is homocentrically poysed . But what harm in the Devil's Name , have these poor Devils the Capucins and Minims done unto him ? Are not these beggarly Devils sufficiently wretched already ? Who can imagine that these poor Snakes , the very Extracts of Ichthyophagy , are not throughly enough besmoaked and besmeared with Misery , Distress , and Calamity ? Dost thou think , Fryar Ihon , by thy Faith , that he is in the State of Salvation ? He goeth , before God , as surely damned to Thirty thousand baskets full of Devils , as a Pruning-Bill to the lopping of a Vine-Branch .

To revile with opprobrious Speeches the good and couragious Props and Pillars of the Church , is that to be called a Poetical Fury ? I cannot rest satisfied with him , he sinneth grosly , and blasphemeth against the true Religion . I am very much offended at his scandalizing Words , and contumelious Obloquy . I do not care a straw ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) for what he hath said ; for although every body should twit and jerk them , it were but a just retalia●●on , seeing all Persons are served by them with the like Sauce : therefore do I pretend no Interest therein . Let us see nevertheless what he hath written . Panurge very attentively read the Paper which the Old Man had penned , then said to his two Fellow-Travellers , The poor Drinker doteth : howsoever , I excuse him ; for that I believe he is now drawing near to the end , and final closure of his Life : Let us go make his Epitaph .

By the Answer which he hath given us , I am not , I protest , one jot wiser then I was , hearken here Epistemon , my little Bully , dost not thou hold him to be very Resolute in his Responsory Verdicts ? he is a witty , quick , and subtle Sophister . I will lay an even Wager , that he is a miscreant Apostate . By the Belly of a stalled Oxe , how careful he is not to be mistaken in his words .

He answered but by Disjunctives , therefore can it not be true which he saith ; for the verity of such like Propositions is inherent only in one of its two Members . O the cozening Pratler that he is ! I wonder if Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging Shirks . Such was of old ( quoth Epistemon ) the Custom of the grand Vaticina●or and Prophet Teresias , who used always ( by way of a Preface ) to say openly and plainly , at the beginning of his Divinations and Predictions , that what he was to tell would either come to pass , or not : And such is truly the stile of all prudently presaging Prognosticators . He was nevertheless ( quoth Panurge ) so unfortunately misadventrous in the Lot of his own Destiny , that Iuno thrust out both his eyes .

Yes , ( answered Epistemon ) and that meerly out of a spight and spleen , for having pronounced his award more veritably then she , upon the Question which was merrily proposed by Iupiter . But ( quoth Panurge ) what Arch-Devil is it that hath possest this Master Raminagrobis , that so unreasonably , and without any occasion , he should have so snappishly , and bitterly inveighed against these poor honest Father , Iacobins , Minors , and Minims ? It vexeth me grievously , I assure you ; nor am I able to conceal my indignation . He hath transgressed most enormously ; his Soul goeth infallibly to thirty thousand Panniers full of Devils .

I understand you not ( quoth Epistemon ) and it disliketh me very much , that you should so absurdly and perversly interpret that of the Fryar Mendicants , which by the harmless Poet was spoken of black Beasts , dun , and other sorts of other coloured Animals . He is not in my Opinion guilty of such a sophistical and fantastick Allegory , as by that Phrase of his to have meaned the Begging Brothers ; he in down right Terms speaketh absolutely and properly of Fleas , Punies , Hand-worms , Flies , Gnats , and other such-like scurvy Vermine , whereof some are black , some dun , some ash-coloured , some tawny , and some brown and dusky , all noysome , molesting , tyrannous , cumbersome , and unpleasing Creatures , not only to sick and diseased Folks , but to those also who are of a sound , vigorous , and healthful Temperament and Constitution . It is not unlike , that he may have the Ascarids , and the Lumbricks , and Worms within the Intrails of his Body . Possibly doth he suffer ( as is frequent and usual amongst the Aegyptians , together with all those who inhabit the Erythraean Confines , and dwell along the Shores and Coasts of the Red Sea ) some four prickings , and smart stingings in his Arms and Legs of those little speckled Dragons , which the Arabians call Meden . You are to blame for offering to expound his Words otherways , and wrong the ingenuous Poet , and outragiously abuse and miscall the said Fraters , by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge . We still should in such-like Discourses of fatiloquent Southsayers , interpret all things to the best . Will you teach me ( quoth Panurge ) how to discern Flies among Milk , or shew your Father the way how to beget Children : He is , by the Vertue of God , an arrant Heretick , a resolute formal Heretick ; I say , a rooted combustible Heretick , one as fit to burn as the little wooden Clock at Rochel . His Soul goeth to Thirty thousand Carts-full of Devils . Would you know whither ? Cocks-body , my Friend , streight under Proserpina's Close-stool , to the very middle of the self-same infernal Pan , within which she , by an excrementitious evacuation voideth the fecal stuff of her stinching Clysters , and that just upon the left side of the great Cauldron of three fathom height , hard by the Claws and Talons of Lucifer , in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth towards the Black Chamber of Demigorgon . Oh the Villain !

CHAP. XXIII . How Panurge maketh the motion of a Return to Raminagrobis .

LET us return , quoth Panurge , not ceasing , to the uttermost of our Abilities , to ply him with wholesome Admonitions , for the furtherance of his Salvation . Let us go back for God's sake , let us go in the Name of God : it will be a very meritorious Work , and of great Charity in us to deal so in the matter , and provide so well for him , that albeit he come to lose both Body and Life , he may at least escape the risk and danger of the eternal Damnation of his Soul . We will by our holy perswasions bring him to a sence and feeling of his Escapes , induce him to acknowledge his Faults , move him to a cordial Repentance of his Errors , and stir up in him such a sincere Contrition of Heart for his Offences , as will prompt him with all earnestness to cry Mercy , and to beg Pardon at the Hands of the good Fathers , as well of the absent , as of such as are present : Whereupon we will take Instrument formally and authentically extended , to the end he be not , after his Decease , declared an Heretick , and condemned , as were the Hobgoblins of the Provost's Wife of Orleans , to the undergoing of such Punishments , Pains and Tortures , as are due to , and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid Cells of the infernal Regions : and withal incline , instigate , and perswade him to bequeath , and leave in Legacy ( by way of an amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done ) to those good Religious Fathers , throughout all the Convents , Cloysters , and Monastries of this Province , many Bribes , a great deal of Mass-singing , store of Obits , and that sempiternally , on the Anniversary Day of his Decease , every one of them all be furnished with a quintuple Allowance : and that the great Borrachoe , replenished with the best Liquor , trudge apace along the Tables , as well of the young Duckling , Monkito's , Lay-Brothers , and lowermost degree of the Abbey-Lubbards , as of the Learned Priests , and Reverend Clerks . The very meanest of the Novices , and Mitiants unto the Order being equally admitted to the benefit of those Funerary and Obsequial Festivals , with the aged Rectors , and professed Fathers ; this is the surest ordinary means , whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness .

Ho , ho , I am quite mistaken , I digress from the purpose , and fly out of my Discourse , as if my Spirits were a woolgathering . The Devil take me , if I go thither . Vertue , God , the Chamber is already full of Devils . O what a swinging , thwacking Noise is now amongst them ! O the terrible Coyl that they keep ! Hearken , do you not hear the rustling thumping bustle of their Stroaks and Blows , as they scuffle with one another , like true Devils indeed , who shall gulp up the Raminogrobis Soul , and be the first Bringer of it , whilst it is hot , to Monsieur Lucifer . Beware , and get you hence : for my part , I will not go thither ; the Devil roast me if I go . Who knows but that these hungry mad Devils may in the hast of their rage and fury of their impatience , take a quid for a quo , and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank and free ? Though formerly , when I was deep in Debt , they always failed . Get you hence : I will not go thither . Before God , the very bare apprehension thereof is like to kill me . To be in the place where there are greedy , famished , and hunger-starved Devils ; amongst factious Devils : amidst trading and trafficking Devils : O the Lord preserve me ! Get you hence , I dare pawn my Credit on it , that no Iacobin , Cordelier , Carme Capucin , Theatin , or Minim , will bestow any personal Presence at his Interment . The wiser they , because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter Will and Testament .

The Devil take me , if I go thither ; if he be damned to his own loss and hindrance be it . What the Deuce moved him to be so snappish and depravedly bent against the good Fathers of the true Religion ? Why did he cast them off , reject them , and drive them quite out of his Chamber , even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of the aid , suffrage , and assistance of their devout Prayers , and holy Admonitions ? Why did not he by Testament leave them , at least , some jolly Lumps and Cantles of substantial Meat , a parcel of Cheek-puffing Victuals , and a litttle Belly-Timber , and Provision for the Guts of these poor Folks , who have nothing but their Life in this World .

Let him go thither , who will ; the Devil take me , if I go ; for if I should , the Devil would not fail to snatch me up . Cancro : Ho , the Pox ! Get you hence , Fryar Ihon ; Art thou content that Thirty thousand Waineload of Devils should get away with thee at this same very instant ? If thou be , at my Request , do these Three things : First , Give me thy Purse ; for besides , that thy Money is marked with Crosses , and the Cross is an Enemy to Charms , the same may befall to thee , which not long ago happened to Ihon Dodin , Collector of the Excise of Coudray , at the Ford of Vede , when the Soldiers broak the Planks . This money'd Fellow meeting at the very Brink of the Bank of the Ford , with Fryar Adam Crankcod , a Franciscan Observantin of Mirebeau , promised him a new Frock , provided , that in the transporting of him over the Water , he would bear him upon his Neck and Shoulders , after the manner of carrying dead Goats : for he was a lusty , strong-limb'd , sturdy Rogue .

The Condition being agreed upon , Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very Ballocks , and layeth upon his Back like a fair little Saint Christopher , the load of the said Supplicant Dodin , and so carry'd him gayly and with a good Will ; as Aeneas bore his Father Anchises through the Conflagration of Troy , singing in the mean while a prety Ave maris Stella . When they were in the very deepest place of all the Foord , a little above the Master-wheel of the Water-Mill , he asked if he had any Coin about him . Yes , ( quoth Dodin ) a whole Bag full ; and that he needed not to mistrust his Ability in the performance of the Promise , which he had made unto him , concerning a new Frock . How ! ( quoth Friar Cranckcod ) thou knowest well enough , that by the express Rules , Canons and Injunctions of our Order , we are forbidden to carry on us any kind of Money : Thou art truly unhappy , for having made me in this point to commit a hainous Trespass . Why didst thou not leave thy Purse with the Miller ? Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy Reward for it ; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within the Limits of our Chancel at Mirebeau , thou shalt have the Miserere even to the Vitulos . With this suddenly discharging himself of his Burthen , he throws me down your Dodin headlong .

Take Example by this Dodin , my dear Friend Friar Iohn , to the end that the Devils may the better carry thee away at thine own ease . Give me thy Purse . Carry no manner of Cross upon thee . Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent Danger : For if you have any Silver coined with a Cross upon it , they will cast thee down headlong upon some Rocks ; as the Eagles use to do with the Tortoises for the breaking of their Shells , as the bald Pate of the Poet Eschilus can sufficiently bear witness . Such a Fall would hurt thee very sore by Sweet Bully , and I would be sorry for it ; or otherways they will let thee fall , and tumble down into the high swollen Waves of some capacious Sea , I know not where ; but I warrant thee far enough hence , ( as Icarus fell ) which from thy Name would afterwards get the Denomination of the Funnelian Sea .

Secondly , Out of Debt : For the Devils carry a great liking to those that are out of Debt . I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own particular ; for now the lecherous Varlets are always wooing me , courting me , and making much of me , which they never did when I was all to pieces . The Soul of one in Debt is insipid , dry , and heretical altogether .

Thirdly , With the Cowl and Domino de Grobis , return to Raminagrobis ; and in case , being thus qualify'd , Thirty Thousand Boats full of Devils forthwith come not to carry thee quite away , I shall be content to be at the charge of paying for the Pinte and Fagot . Now if for the more Security thou wouldst some Associate to bear thee Company , let not me be the Comrade thou searchest for , think not to get a Fellow-Traveller of me ; nay , do not , I advise thee for the best . Get you hence ; I will not go thither ; the Devil take me if I go . Notwithstanding all the Fright that you are in , ( quoth Friar Ihon ) I would not care so much , as might possibly be expected I should , if I once had but my Sword in my hand . Thou hast verily hit the Nail on the Head , ( quoth Panurge ) and speakest like a Learned Doctor , subtile , and well skilled in the Art of Devilry .

At the time when I was a Student in the University of Tolouse , that same Reverend Father in the Devil , Picarris , Rector of the Diabological Faculty , was wont to tell us , that the Devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of Swords , as much as the Splendour and Light of the Sun . In Confirmation of the Verity whereof he related this Story , That Hercules at his Descent into Hell to all the Devils of those Regions , did not by half so much terrifie them with his Club and Lion's Skin , as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining Armour upon him , and his Sword in his hand well furbished and unrusted , by the Aid , Council and Assistance of the Sybilla Cumana . That was perhaps the reason why the Senior Ihon Iacomo di Trivulcio , whilst he was a dying at Chartres , called for his Cutlass , and died with a Drawn Sword in his hand , laying about him alongst and athwart around the Bed , and every where within his reach , like a stout , doughty , valorous and Knight-like Cavaleer : By which resolute manner of Fence he scared away and put to flight all the Devils that were then lying in wait for his Soul at the passage of his Death . When the Malsorets and Cabalists are asked , Why it is that none of all the Devils do at any time enter into the Terestrial Paradice ? Their Answer hath been , is , and will be still , That there is a Cherubin standing at the Gate thereof with a Flame-like glistering Sword in his hand . Although to speak in the true Diabological Sence or Phrase of Toledo , I must needs confess and acknowledge , that veritably the Devils cannot be killed , or die by the stroke of a Sword . I do nevertheless avow and maintain , according to the Doctrine of the said Diabology , that they may suffer a Solution of Continuity ; ( as if with thy Shable thou shouldst cut athwart the Flamme of a burning Fire , or the gross opacous Exhalations of a thick and obscure Smoak ) and cry out , like very Devils , at their Sense and Feeling of this Dissolution , which in real Deed I must averr and affirm is devilishly painful , smarting and dolorous .

When thou seest the impetuous Shock of two Armies , and vehement Violence of the Push in their horrid Encounter with one another ; dost thou think , Balockasso , that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the Voice and Shouts of Men ? The dashing and joulting of Harnish ? The clattering and clashing of Armies ? The hacking and slashing of Battle-Axes ? The justling and crashing of Pikes ? The bustling and breaking of Lances ? The Clamour and Skrieks of the Wounded ? The sound and din of Drums ? The Clangour and Shrilness of Trumpets ? The neighing and rushing in of Horses ? with the fearful Claps and thundering of all sorts of Guns , from the Double Canon to the Pocket Pistol inclusively ? I cannot , Goodly , deny , but that in these various things which I have rehearsed , there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge Yell and Tintamarre of the two engaged Bodies .

But the most fearful and tumultuous Coil and Stir , the terriblest and most boisterous Garboil and Hurry , the chiefest rustling Black Santus of all , and most principal Hurly Burly , springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and lowing of Devils , who Pell-mell , in a hand-over-head Confusion , waiting for the poor Souls of the maimed and hurt Soldiery , receive unawares some Stroaks with Swords , and so by those means suffering a Solution of , and Division in the Continuity of their Aerial and Invisible Substances : As if some Lackey , snatching at the Lard-slices , stuck in a piece of Roast-meat on the Spit , should get from Mr. Greazyfist a good rap on the Knuckles with a Cudgel , they cry out and shout like Devils . Even as Mars did , when he was hurt by Diomedes at the Siege of Troy , who ( as Homer testifieth of him ) did then raise his Voice more horrifically loud , and sonoriferously high , than ten thousand Men together would have been able to do . What maketh all this for our present purpose ? I have been speaking here of well-furbished Armour and bright shining Swords . But so is it not ( Friar Ihon ) with thy Weapon ; for by a long discontinuance of Work , cessation from Labour , desisting from making it officiate , and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed ; and in a word , for want of occupation , it is , upon my Faith , become more rusty than the Key-hole of an old Poudering-Tub . Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two , either furbish your Weapon bravely , and as it ought to be , or otherwise have a care that in the rusty case it is in , you do not presume to return to the House of Raminagrobis . For my part , I vow I will not go thither , the Devil take me if I go .

CHAP. XXIV . How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon .

HAving left the Town of Villomere , as they were upon their return towards Pant●gruel , Panurge in addressing his Discourse to Epistemon , spoke thus : My most ancient Friend and Gossip , thou seest the perplexity of my Thoughts , and knowest many Remedies for the removal thereof ; art thou not able to help and succour me ? Epistemon thereupon taking the Speech in hand , represented unto Panurge , how the open Voice and common Fame of the whole Country did run upon no other Discourse , but the derision and mockery of his new Disguise ; wherefore his Counsel unto him was that he would in the first place be pleased to make use of a little Hellebore , for the purging of his Brain of that peccant ●umour , which thro' that extravagant and fantastick Mummery of his had furnished the People with a too just occasion of flouting and gibbing , jeering and scoffing him ; and that next he would resume his ordinary Fashion of Accoutrement , and go apparelled as he was wont to do . I am ( quoth Panurge ) my dear Gossip Epistemon , of a mind and resolution to Marry , but am afraid of being a Cuckold , and to be unfortunate in my Wedlock : For this cause have I made a Vow to young St. Francis , ( who at Plessiletours is much reverenced of all Women , earnestly cried unto by them , and with great Devotion ; for he was the first Founder of the Confraternity of good Men , whom they naturally covet , affect and long for ) to wear Spectacles in my Cap , and to carry no Codpiece in my Breeches , until the present Inquietude and Perturbation of my Spirits be fully setled .

Truly ( quoth Epistemon ) that is a pretty jolly Vow , of Thirteen to a Dozen : It is a shame to you , and I wonder much at it , that you do not return unto your self , and recall your Senses from this their wild swarving and straying abroad to that rest and stilness which becomes a vertuous Man . This whimsical Conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn Promise made by the Shaghaired Argives , who having in their Controversie against the Lacedemonians for the Terretory of Tyree lost the Battle , which they hoped should have decided it for their Advantage , vowed to carry never any hair on their Heads , till preallably they had recovered the loss of both their Honour and Lands : As likewise to the memory of the Vow of a pleasant Spaniard called Michel Doris , who vowed to carry in his Hat a piece of the Shin of his Leg , till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off . Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a Green and Yellow Hood with a Hares Ears tied to it , either the aforesaid vain-glorious Champion , or that Euguerrant , who having forgot the art and manner of writing Histories , set down by the Samosatian Philosopher , maketh a most tediously long Narrative and Relation thereof : For at the first reading of such a profuse Discourse , one would think it had been broached for the introducing of a Story of great importance and moment concerning the waging of some formidable War , or the notable change and mutation of potent States and Kingdoms ; but in conclusion , the World laugheth at the capricious Champion , at the English-man who had affronted him , as also at their Scribler Euguerrant , more driveling at the Mouth than a Mustard-pot . The Jest and Scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the Mountain of Horace , which by the Poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as a Woman in the Pangs and Labour of Child-birth , at which deplorable and exorbitant Cries and Lamentations the whole Neighbourhood being assembled in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous Production , could at last perceive no other but the paultry ridiculous Mouse .

Your mousing ( quoth Panurge ) will not make me leave my musing why Folks should be so frumpishly disposed , seeing I am certainly perswaded that some flout , who merit to be flouted at ; yet as my Vow imports so will I do . It is now a long time since , by Iupiter Philos , we did swear Faith and Amity to one another : Give me your Advice , and tell me your Opinion freely , Should I marry or no ? Truly ( quoth Epistemon ) the case is hazardous , and the danger so eminently apparent , that I find my self too weak and insufficient to give you a punctual and peremptory resolution therein ; and if ever it was true , the Iudgment is difficult in matters of the Medicinal Art , what was said by Hippocrates of Lango , it is certainly so in this case . True it is , that in my Brain there are some rowling Fancies , by means whereof somewhat may be pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disintangling your mind of those dubious Apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed ; but they do not thoroughly satisfie me . Some of the Platonick Sect affirm , that whosoever is able to see his proper Genius , may know his own Destiny . I understand not their Doctrine ; nor do I think that you adhere to them ; there is a palpable Abuse . I have seen the experience of it in a very curious Gentleman of the Country of Estrangowre . This is one of the Points . There is yet another not much better . If there were any Authority now in the Oracles of Iupiter Ammon ; of Apollo in Lebadia , Delphos , Delos , Cyrra , Patara , Tegires , Preneste , Lycia , Colophon , or in the Castalian Fountain ; near Antiochia in Syria ; between the Branchidians ; of Bacchus , in Dodona ; of Mercure in Phares ; near Parras ; of Apis , in Egypt ; of Serapis in Canorie ; of Faunus in Menalia , and Albunes near Tivoly ; of Tiresias in Orchomenie ; of Mosus in Silicia ; of Orpheus in Lisbos ; and of Trophonius in Lucadia . I would in that case advise you , and possibly not , to go thither for their Judgment concerning the Design and Enterprize you have in hand . But you know that they are all of them become as dumb as so many Fishes , since the Advent of that Saviour King , whose coming to this World hath made all Oracles and Prophesies to cease ; as the approach of the Suns radiant Beams expelleth Goblins , Bugbears , Hobthrushes , Broams , Schriech-Owl-Mates , Night-walking Spirits , and Tenebrions . These now are gone ; but although they were as yet in continuance , and in the same Power , Rule and Request that formerly they were , yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any Trust in their Responses : Too many Folks have been deceived thereby . It stands furthermore upon Record , how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the Crime of having interrogated the Oracle of Apollo Clarius , to understand if she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius ; for which Cause she was first banished , and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious Death .

But ( saith Panurge ) let us do better ; the Ogygian Islands are not far distant from the Haven of Sammalo : Let us , after that we shall have spoken to our King , make a Voyage thither . In one of these four Isles , to wit , that which hath its primest Aspect towards the Sun setting , it is reported , ( and I have read in good Antick and Authentick Authors ) that there reside many Soothsayers , Fortune-tellers , Vaticinators , Prophets , and Diviners of things to come ; that Saturn inhabiteth that place , bound with fair Chains of Gold , and within the Concavity of a Golden Rock , being nourished with Divine Ambrosie and Nectar , which are daily in great store and abundance transmitted to him from the Heavens , by I do not well know what kind of Fowls ( it may be that they are the same Ravens , which in the Deserts are said to have fed St. Paul , the first Hermit ) he very clearly foretelleth unto every one , who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his Lot , what his Destiny will be , and what future Chance the Fates have ordained for him : for the Parques , or Weerd Sisters do not twist , spin , or draw out a Thread ; nor yet doth Iupiter perpend , project , or deliberate any thing , which the good old Coelestial Father knoweth not to the full , even whilst he is a sleep : This will be a very summary Abbreviation of our Labour , if we but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of this my perplexity . That is ( answered Epistemon ) a Gullery too evident , a plain Abuse ▪ and Fib too fabulous . I will not go , not I , I will not go .

CHAP. XXV . How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa .

NEvertheless , ( quoth Epistemon , continuing his Discourse ) I will tell you what you may do , if you will believe me , before we return to our King : Hard by here , in the Brown-wheat Island , dwelleth Her Trippa ; you know how by the Arts of Astrology , Geomancy , Chiromancy , Metopomancy , and others of a like stuff and nature , he foretelleth all things to come : Let us talk a little , and confer with him about your Business . Of that ( answered Panurge ) I know nothing : but of this much concerning him I am assured , that one day , and that not long since , whilst he was prating to the Great King , of Coelestial , Sublime , and Transcendent Things , the Lackqueys and Footboys of the Court , upon the upper Steps of Stairs between two Doors , jumbled , one after another , as often as they listed , his Wife ; who is passable fair , and a pretty snug Hussie . Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all Heavenly and Terrestrial Things without Spectacles , who discoursed boldly of Adventures past , with great confidence opened up present Cases and Accidents , and stoutly professed the presaging of all future Events and Contingencies , and was not able with all the Skill and Cunning that he had , to perceive the Bumbasting of his Wife , whom he reputed to be very chast ; and hath not till this hour , got Notice of any thing to the contrary . Yet let us go to him , seeing you will have it so : for surely we can never learn too much . They on the very next ensuing Day , came to Her Trippa's Lodging . Panurge , by way of Donative , presented him with a long Gown lined all thorough with Wolves-skins , with a short Sword mounted with a gilded Hilt , and covered with a Velvet Scabbard , and with fifty good single Angels : then in a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his Opinion touching the Affair . At the very first Her Trippa looking on him very wistly in the face , said unto him : Thou hast the Metoposcopy , and Physiognomy of a Cuckold ; I say , of a notorious and infamous Cuckold . With this casting an eye upon Panurge's right Hand in all the parts thereof , he said , This rugged Draught which I see here , just under the Mount of Iove , was never yet but in the Hand of a Cuckold . Afterwards , he with a White Lead Pen , swiftly , and hastily drew a certain Number of diverse kinds of Points , which by Rules of Geomancy he coupled and joyned together , then said , Truth it self is not truer , then that it is certain , thou wilt be a Cuckold , a little after thy Marriage . That being done , he asked of Panurge the Horoscope of his Nativity ; which was no sooner by Panurge tendred unto him , then that , erecting a Figure , he very promptly and speedily formed and fashion'd a compleat Fabrick of the Houses of Heaven , in all their parts , whereof when he had considered the Situation and the Aspects in their Triplicities , he fetched a deep sigh , and said : I have clearly enough already discovered unto you the Fate of your Cuckoldry , which is unavoidable , you cannot escape it ; and here have I got of new a further assurance thereof , so that I may now hardily pronounce , and affirm without any scruple or hesitation at all , that thou wilt be a Cuckold ; that furthermore , thou wilt be beaten by thine own Wife , and that she will purloyn , filch , and steal of thy Goods from thee ; for I find the Seventh House , in all its Aspects , of a malignant Influence , and every one of the Planets threatning thee with Disgrace , according as they stand seated towards one another , in relation to the Horned Signs of Aries , Taurus , and Capricorn : In the Fourth House I find Iupiter in a Decadence , as also in a Tetragonal Aspect to Saturn , associated with Mercury : thou wilt be soundly pepper'd , my good honest Fellow , I warrant thee . I will be : ( answered Panurge ) a Plague rot thee , thou old Fool , and doating Sot , how graceless and unpleasant thou art .

When all Cuckolds shall be at a General Rendezvous , thou shouldst be their Standard-bearer . But whence comes this Ciron-worm betwixt these two Fingers ? This Panurge said , putting the Fore-finger of his Left-hand , betwixt the Fore and Mid-finger of the Right , which he thrust out towards Her Trippa , holding them open after the manner of two Horns , and shutting into a Fist his Thumb , with the other Fingers . Then in turning to Epistemon , he said , Lo here the true Ollus of Martial , who addicted and devoted himself wholly to the observing the Miseries , Crosses , and Calamities of others , whilst his own Wife , in the Interim , did keep an open Bawdy-house .

This Varlet is poorer then ever was Irus , and yet he is a proud , vaunting , arrogant , self-conceited , over-weening , and more insupportable then Seventeen Devils ; in one word , 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 , which term of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting Coxcombs .

Come , let us leave this Madpash Bedlam , this hair-brain'd Fop , and give him leave to rave and dose his Belly-full , with his private and intimately acquainted Devils ; who , if they were not the very worst of all the infernal Fiends , would never have daigned to serve such a knavish , barking Cur as this is . He hath not learnt the first Precept of Philosophy , which is , Know thy Self : for whilst he braggeth and boasteth , that he can discern the least Mote in the Eye of another , he is not able to see the huge Block that puts out the sight of both his Eyes . This is such another Polypragmon , as is by Plutarch described : He is of the nature of the Lamian Witches , who in forreign Places , in the Houses of Strangers , in Publick , and amongst the common People , had a sharper and more piercing Inspection into their Affairs then any Lync ; but at home in their own proper Dwelling-Mansions , were blinder then Mold-Warps , and saw nothing at all : for their Custom was at their return from abroad , when they were by themselves in private to take their Eyes out of their Head , from whence they were as easily removable as a Pair of Spectacles from their Nose , and to lay them up into a wooden Slipper , which for that purpose did hang behind the Door of their Lodging .

Panurge had no sooner done speaking , when Her Trippa took into his Hand a Tamarisk Branch . In this ( quoth Epistemon ) he doth very well , right , and like an Artist , for Nicander calleth it the Divinatory Tree . Have you a mind ( quoth Her Trippa ) to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and amply disclosed unto you by Pyromancy , by Aeromancy , ( whereof Aristophanes in his Clouds maketh great estimation ) by Hydromancy , by Leconomancy , of old in prime request amongst the Assyrians , and throughly tried by Hermolaus Barbarus : Come hither , and I will shew thee in this Platter-full of fair Fountain-water , thy future Wife , lechering , and sercroupierising it with two swaggering Ruffians , one after another . Yea , but have a special care ( quoth Panurge ) when thou comest to put thy Nose within mine Arse , that thou forget not to pull off thy Spectacles . Her Trippa going on in his Discourse , said by Catoptromancy , likewise held in such account by the Emperor Didius Iulianus , that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all that which at any time did happen or befal unto him : Thou shalt not need to put on thy Spectacles , for in a Mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and manifestly . Nebrundiated , and Billibodring-it , as if I should shew it in the Fountain of the Temple of Minerva near Parras . By Coscinomancy , most religiously observed of old , amidst the Ceremonies of the ancient Romans . Let us have a Sieve and Shiers , and thou shalt see Devils . By Alphitomancy , cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmeketria . By Alentomancy , mixing the Flower of Wheat with Oatmeal , By Astragalomancy , whereof I have the Plots and Models all at hand ready for the purpose . By Tyromancy , whereof we make some Proof in a great Brehemont Cheese , which I here keep by me : By Giromancy , if thou shouldst turn round Circles , thou mightest assure thy self from me , that they would fall always on the wrong side : By Sternomancy , which maketh nothing for thy Advantage , for thou hast an ill proportion'd Stomach : By Libanomancy , for the which we shall need but a little Frankincense : By Gastromancy , which kind of ventral Fatiloquency was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina , the Eugastrimythian Prophetess : By Cephalomancy , often practised amongst the High Germans in their boiling of an Asses Head upon burning Coals : By Ceromancy , where by the means of Wax dissolved into Water , thou shalt see the Figure , Pourtrait and lively Representation of thy future Wife , and of her Fredin Fredaliatory Belly thumping Blades : By Capnomancy ; O the gallantest and most excellent of all Secrets ! By Axionomancy , we want only a Hatchet and a Jeat-stone to be laid together upon a quick Fire of hot Embers . O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards Penelope's Suiters ! By Onymancy ; for that we have Oyl and Wax : By Tephromancy , thou wilt see the Ashes thus aloft dispersed , exhibiting thy Wife in a fine Posture : By Botonomancy , for the nonce I have some few Leaves in reserve : By Sicomancy ; O Divine Art in Fig-tree Leaves ! By Icthiomancy , in ancient times so celebrated , and put in use by Tiresias and Polydamas , with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the Dina-ditch within that Grove consecrated to Apollo , which is in the Territory of the Lycians : By Choiramancy . Let us have a great many Hogs , and thou shalt have the Bladder of one of them : By Cheromomancy , as the Bean is found in the Cake at the Epiphany Vigil : By Anthropomancy , practised by the Roman Emperor Heliagobulus ; it is somewhat irksom , but thou wilt endure it well enough , seeing thou art destinated to be a Cuckold : By a Sybilline Stichomancy : By Onomatomancy : How do they call thee ! Chaw , turd ; ( quoth Panurge ) or yet by Alectryomancy . If I should here with a Compass draw a round , and in looking upon thee , and considering thy Lot , divide the Circumference thereof into four and twenty equal parts , then form a several Letter of the Alphabet upon every one of them ; and lastly , posit a Barly Corn or two upon each of these so disposed Letters , I durst promise upon my Faith and Honesty , that if a young Virgin Cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them , he should only eat the Grains which are set and placed upon these Letters , A. C.u.c.k.o.l.d. T.h.o.u. s.h.a.l.t. b.e. And that as fatidically , as under the Emperor Valence , most perplexedly desirous to know the Name of him , who should be his Successor to the Empire , the Cock Vaticinating and Alectryomantick , are up the Pickles that were posited on the Letters T.h.e.o.d. Or for the more certainty , will you have a trial of your Fortune by the Art of Aruspiciny ? by Augury ? or by Extispicine ? By Turdispicine , quoth Panurge ; or yet by the Mystery of Negromancy ? I will , if you please , suddenly set up again , and revive some one lately deceased , as Apollonius of Tyan did to Achilles , and the Pythoniss in the Presence of Saul ; which Body so raised up and requickned , will tell us the Sum of all you shall require of him ; no more nor less than at the Invocation of Erictho , a certain defunct Person foretold to Pompy the whole progress and issue of the fatal Battle fought in the Pharsalian Fields ? Or if you be afraid of the Dead , as commonly all Cuckolds are , I will make use of the Faculty of Sciomancy . Go , get thee gone ( quoth Panurge ) thou Frantick Ass , to the Devil , and be buggered , filthy Bordachio that thou art , by some Albanian , for a Steeple-crown'd Hat . Why the Devil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an Emerald , or the Stone of a Hyena under my Tongue ? Or to furnish and provide my self with Tongues of Whoops , and Hearts of Green Frogs ? Or to eat of the Liver and Milt of some Dragon ? To the end that by those means I might at the chanting and chirping of Swans and other Fowls , understand the Substance of my future Lot and Destiny , as did of old the Arabians in the Country of Mesopotamia ? Fifteen brace of Devils seize upon the Body and Soul of this horned , Renegado , miscreant Cuckold , the Inchanter , Witch , and Sorcerer of Antichrist to all the Devils of Hell .

Let us return towards our King : I am sure he will not be well pleased with us , if he once come to get notice that we have been in the Kennel of this muffled Devil . I repent my being come hither . I would willingly dispence with a Hundred Nobles , and Fourteen Yeomans , on condition that he who not long since did blow in the bottom of my Breeches , should instantly with his squirting Spittle inluminate his Mustaches . O Lord God now ! how the Villain hath besmoaked me with Vexation and Anger , with Charms and Witchcraft , and with a terrible Coyl and Stir of Infernal and Tartarian Devils ! The Devil take him : say Amen ; and let us go drink . I shall not have any Appetite for my Victuals ( how good Cheer soever I make ) these two days to come , hardly these four .

CHAP. XXVI . How Panurge consulteth with Friar Ihon of the Funnels .

PAnurge was indeed very much troubled in mind , and disquieted at the words of Her Trippa , and therefore as she passed by the little Village of Hugmes , after he had made his Address to Friar Ihon , in pecking at , rubbing and scratching his own left Ear , he said unto him , Keep me a little jovial and merry , my dear and sweet Bully , for I find my Brains altogether metagrabolized and confounded , and my Spirits in a most dunsical puzzle at the bitter talk of this Devillish , Hellish , Damned Fool : Hearken , my dainty Cod.

Mellow C. Lead-coloured C. Knurled C. Suborned C. Desired C. Stuffed C. Speckled C. Finely metall'd C. Arabian-like C. Trussed up Greyhound-like C. Mounted C. Sleeked C. Diapred C. Spotted C. Master C. Seeded C. Lusty C. Jupped C. Milked C. Calfeted C. Raised C. Odd C. Steeled C. Stale C. Orange-tawny C. Imbroidered C. Glazed C. Interlarded C. Burger-like C. Impoudred C. Ebenized C. Brasiliated C. Organized C. Passable . Trunkified C. Furious C. Packed C. Hooded C. Varnished C. Renowned C. Matted C. Genetive C. Gigantal C. Oval C. Claustral C. Viril C. Stayed C. Massive C. Manual C. Absolute C. Well-set C. Gemel C. Turkish C. Burning C. Thwacking C. Urgent C. Handsome C. Prompt C. Fortunate C. Boxewood C. Latten C. Unbridled C. Hooked C. Researched C. Encompassed C. Strouting out C. Jolly C. Lively C. Gerundive C. Franked C. Polished C. Poudred Beef C. Positive C. Spared C. Bold C. Lascivious C. Gluttonous C. Resolute C. Cabbage-like C. Courteous C. Fertil C. Whizzing C. Neat C. Common C. Brisk C. Quick C. Barelike C. Partitional C. Patronymick C. Cockney C. Auromercuriated C. Robust C. Appetizing C. Succourable C. Redoutable C. Affable C. Memorable C. Palpable C. Barbable C. Tragical C. Transpontine C. Digestive C. Active C. Vital C. Magistral C. Monachal C. Subtil C. Hammering C. Clashing C. Tingling C. Usual C. Exquisite C. Trim C. Succulent C. Factious C. Clammy C. Fat C. High-prised C. Requisite C. Laycod C. Hand-filling C. Insuperable C. Agreeable C. Formidable C. Profitable C. Notable C. Musculous C. Subsidiary C. Satyrick C. Repercussive C. Convulsive C. Restorative C. Masculinating C. Incarnative C. Sigillative C. Sallying C. Plump C. Thundering C. Lechering C. Fulminating C. Sparkling C. Ramming C. Lusty C. Houshold C. Pretty C. Astrolabian C. Algebraical C. Venust C. Aromatizing C. Trixy C. Paillard C. Gaillard C. Broaching C. Adle C. Syndicated C. Boulting C. Snorting C. Pilfring C. Shaking C. Bobbing C. Chiveted C. Fumbling C. Topsiturvying C. Raging C. Piled up C. Filled up C. Manly C. Idle C. Membrous C. Strong C. Twin C. Belabouring C. Gentil C. Stirring C. Confident C. Nimble C. Roundheaded C. Figging C. Helpful C. Spruce C. Plucking C. Ramage C. Fine C. Fierce C. Brawny C. Compt C. Repaired C. Soft C. Wild C. Renewed C. Quaint C. Starting C. Fleshy C. Auxiliary C. New vamped C. Improved C. Malling C. Sounding C. Batled C. Burly C. Seditious C. Wardian C. Protective C. Twinkling C. Able C. Algoristical C. Odoriferous C. Pranked C. Jocund C. Routing C. Purloyning C. Frolick C. Wagging C. Ruffling C. Jumbling C. Rumbling C. Thumping C. Bumping C. C●ingeling C. Berumpling C. Jogging C. Nobbing C. Touzing C. Tumbling C. Fambling C. Overturning C. Shooting C. Culeting C. Jagged C. Pinked C. Arsiversing C. Polished C. Slasht C. Hamed C. Leisurely C. Cut C. Smooth C. Depending C. Independent C. Lingring C. Rapping C. Reverend C. Nodding C. Disseminating C. Affecting C. Affected C. Grapled C. Stuffed C. Well-fed C. Flourished C. Fallow C. Sudden C. Grasp-full C. Swillpow C. Crushing C. Creaking C. Dilting C. Ready C. Vigorous C. Scoulking C. Superlative C. Clashing C. Wagging C. Scriplike C. Encremaster'd C. Bouncing C. Levelling C. Fly-flap C. Perinae tegminal C. Squat-couching C. Short-hung C. The hypogastrian C. Witness bearing C. Testigerous C. Instrumental C.

My Harcabuzing Cod , and Buttock-stirring Ballock , Fryar Ihon , my Friend : I do carry a singular respect unto thee , and honour thee with all my Heart , thy Counsel I hold for a choice and delicate Morsel , therefore have I reserved it for the last Bit. Give me thy Advice freely , I beseech thee ; Should I marry , or no ? Fryar Ihon very merrily , and with a sprightly chearfulness made this Answer to him : Marry , in the Devil's Name , Why not ? What the Devil else shouldst thou do , but marry ? Take thee a Wife , and furbish her Harnish to some tune : Swinge her Skin-coat , as if thou wert beating on Stock-fish ; and let the repercussion of thy Clapper from her resounding Metal , make a Noise , as if a double Peal of Chiming-Bells were hung at the Cremasters of thy Ballocks . As I say Marry , so do I understand , that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be : yea , my meaning is , that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein , as on this same very day , before Sun-set , to cause , proclaim thy Banes of Matrimony , and make provision of Bedsteads . By the Blood of a Hog's-pudding , till when wouldst thou delay the acting of a Husband's part ? Dost thou not know , and is it not daily told unto thee , that the end of the World approacheth ? We are nearer it by three Poles , and half a Fathom , then we were two days ago . The Antichrist is already born , at least it is so reported by many : the truth is , that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further then to the scratching of his Nurse and Governesses : his Nails are not sharp enough as yet , nor have his Claws attained to their full growth ; he is little .

Crescat ; Nos qui vivimus , multiplicemur . It is written so , and it is holy stuff , I warrant you : The truth whereof is like to last as long as a Sack of Corn may be had for a Penny , and a Punction of pure Wine for Three-pence . Would thou be content to be found with thy Genitories full in the Day of Judgment ? Dum veneris judicari . Thou hast ( quoth Panurge ) a right , clear , and neat Spirit , Fryar Ihon , my Metropolitan ●od ; thou speakst in very deed pertinently , and to purpose : That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia , whilst he was swimming through the Hellespontick Sea , to make a Visit to his Sweetheart Hero of Sestus in Europe , to pray unto Neptune , and all the other Marine Gods , thus : Now , whilst I go , have pity on me , And at my back returning drown me . He was loath , it seems , to die with his Cods over-gorged : He was to be commended , therefore do I promise , that from henceforth no Malefactor shall by Justice be executed within my Jurisdiction of Salmigondinois , who shall not , for a day or two at least before , he be permitted to culbut , and foraminate , Onocrotalwise , that there remain not in all his Vessels , to write a great Greek 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ; such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away ; he will perhaps therewith beget a Male , and so depart the more contentedly out of this Life , that he shall have left behind him one for one .

CHAP. XXVII . How Fryar Ihon merrily , and sportingly counselleth Panurge .

BY Saint Rigomet ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) I do advise thee to nothing , my dear Friend Panurge ) which I would not do my self , were I in thy place : only have a special care , and take good heed thou soulder well together the Joynts of the double backed , and two bellied Beast , and fortifie thy Nerves so strongly , that there be no discontinuance in the Knocks of the Venerian thwacking , else thou art lost , poor Soul : for if there pass long intervals betwixt the Priapising Feats , and that thou make an intermission of too large a time , that will befall thee , which betides the Nurses , if they desist from giving suck to Children , they lose their Milk ; and if continually thou do not hold thy Aspersory Tool in exercise , and keep thy Mental going , thy Lacticinian Nectar will be gone , and it will serve thee only as a Pipe to piss out at , and thy Cods for a Wallet of lesser value then a Beggars Scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee , Friend , and doubt not of it ; for my self have seen the sad experiment thereof in many , who cannot now do what they would , because before they did not what they might have done : Ex desuetudine amittuntur Privilegia : Non-usage oftentimes destroys ones Right , say the learned Doctors of the Law : therefore , my Billy , entertain as well as possibly thou canst , that Hypogastrian , lower sort of Troglodytick People , that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal labouring . Give order that henceforth they live not like adle Gentlemen , idly upon their Rents and Revenues , but that they may work for their Livelyhoood , by breaking ground within the Paphian Trenches . Nay truly ( answered Panurge ) Fryar Ihon , my left Ballock , I will believe thee , for thou dealest plain with me , and fallest down-right square upon the business , without going about the Bush with frivolous circumstances , and unnecessary reservations . Thou with the splendour of a piercing Wit , hast dissipated all the louring Clouds of anxious Apprehensions and Suspicions , which did intimidate and terrifie me : therefore the Heavens be pleased to grant to thee , at all She-conflicts , a stiff-standing Fortune . Well then , as thou hast said , so will I do , I will , in good Faith , Marry ; in that point there shall be no failing , I promise thee , and shall have always by me pretty Girls clothed with the Name of my Wives Waiting-Maids , that lying under thy Wings , thou mayest be Night-Protector of their Sisterhood .

Let this serve for the first part of the Sermon . Hearken ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) to the Oracle of the Bells of Varenes ; What say they ? I hear and understand them ( quoth Panurge ) their Sound is by my Thirst , more uprightly fatidical , then that of Iove's Great Kettles in Dodona . Hearken ; Take thee a Wife , take thee a Wife , and marry , marry , marry : for if thou marry , thou shalt find good therein , herein , here in a Wife thou shalt find good ; so marry , marry . I will assure thee , that I shall be married , all the Elements invite and prompt me to it : let this Word be to thee a Brazen Wall , by diffidence not to be broken thorough . As for the Second part of this our Doctrine : Thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness of my Paternity , in the practising of my Placket-Racket within the Aphrodisian Tennis-Court at all times fitting , as if the stiff God of Gardens were not favourable to me . I pray thee , favour me so much as to believe , that I still have him at a beck , attending always my Commandments , docile , obedient , vigorous , and active in all things , and every-where , and never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure .

I need no more , but to let go the Reins , and slacken the Leash , which is the Belly-point , and when the Game is shewn unto him , say , Hey , Iack , to thy Booty , he will not fail even then to flesh himself upon his Prey , and tuzle it to some purpose . Hereby you may perceive , although my future Wife were as unsatiable and gluttonous in her Voluptuousness , and the Delights of Venery , as ever was the Empress Messalina , or yet the Marchioness in England ; and I desire thee to give credit to it , that I lack not for what is requisite to over●oy the Stomach of her Lust , but have wherewith aboundingly to please her .

I am not ignorant that Salomon said , who indeed of that matter speaketh Clerk-like , and learnedly : as also how Aristotle after him declared for a truth , That for the greater part , the Lechery of a Woman is ravenous and unsatisfiable : nevertheless , let such as are my Friends , who read those passages , receive from me for a most real verity , that I for such a Gill , have a fit Iack ; and that , if Womens things cannot be satiated , I have an Instrument indefatigable ; an Implement as copious in the giving , as can in craving be their Vade Mecums . Do not here produce ancient Examples of the Paragons of Paillardise , and offer to match with my Testiculatory Ability , the Priapaean Prowess of the fabulous Fornicators , Hercules , Proculus , Caesar , and Mahomet , who in his Alchoran doth vaunt , that in his Cods he had the vigour of Threescore Bully Ruffians ; but let no zealous Christian trust the Rogue , the filthy ribald Rascal is a Lyar. Shall thou need to urge Authorities , or bring forth the Instance of the Indian Prince , of whom Theophrastus Plinius , and Athenaeus testifie , that with the help of a certain Herb , he was able , and had given frequent Experiments thereof , to toss his sinewy Piece of Generation , in the Act of carnal Concupiscence , above Threescore and ten times in the space of Four and twenty hours . Of that I believe nothing , the number is supposititious , and too prodigally foisted in : Give no Faith unto it , I beseech thee , but prithee trust me in this , and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged ; for it is true , and Probatum est , that my Pionier of Nature , the sacred Ithyphallian Champion , is of all stiff-intruding Blades the primest : Come hither my Ballockette , and hearken , Didst thou ever see the Monk of Castres Cowl ? when in any House it was laid down , whether openly in the view of all , or covertly out of the sight of any , such was the ineffable Vertue thereof for excitating and stirring up the People of both Sexes unto Lechery , that the whole Inhabitants and Indwellers , not only of that , but likeways of all the circumjacent places thereto , within three Leagues around it , did suddenly enter into Rut , both Beasts and Folks , Men and Women , even to the Dogs and Hogs , Rats and Cats .

I swear to thee , that many times heretofore I have perceived , and found in my Codpiece a certain kind of Energy , or efficacious Vertue , much more irregular , and of a greater Anomaly , then what I have related : I will not speak to thee either of House or Cottage , nor of Church or Market , but only tell thee , that once at the Representation of the Passion , which was acted at Saint Mexents ; I had no sooner entred within the Pit of the Theater , but that forthwith , by the vertue and occult property of it , on a sudden all that were there , both Players and Spectators , did fall into such an exorbitant Temptation of Lust , that there was not Angel , Man , Devil , nor Deviless , upon the place , who would not then have Bricollitched it with all their Heart and Soul .

The Prompter forsook his Copy , he who played Michael's part , came down to rights , the Devils issued out of Hell , and carried along with them most of the pretty little Girls that were there ; yea , Lucifer got out of his Fetters ; in a word : seeing the huge Disorder , I disparked my self forth of that inclosed place , in imitation of Cato the Censor , who perceiving by reason of his presence , the Floralian Festivals out of order , withdrew himself .

CHAP. XXVIII . How Friar Ihon comforteth Panurge in the douhtful matter of Cuckoldry .

I Understand thee well enough , said Friar Ihon ; but time makes all things plain . The most durable Marbre or Porphyr is subject to Old Age and Decay . Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the Exercise , yet is it like , I will hear thee confess a few years hence , that thy Cods hang dangling downwards for want of a better Truss . I see thee waxing a little hoar-headed already ; thy Beard by the Distinctions of grey , white , tawny and black , hath to my thinking the resemblance of a Map of the Terrestrial Globe , or Geographical Cart. Look attentively upon , and take Inspection of what I shall show unto thee . Behold there Asia , here are Tygris and Euphrates . Lo there Africk ; here is the Mountain of the Moon , yonder thou mayst perceive the Fenny Marsh of Nilus . On this side lieth Europe : Dost thou not see the Abby of Tileme ? This little Tuft , which is altogether white , is the Hyperborean Hills . By the thirst of my Throple , Friend , when Snow is on the Mountains , I say the Head and the Chin , there is not then any considerable Heat to be expected in the Valleys and Low-Countries of the Codpiece . By the Kibes of thy Heels ( quoth Panurge ) thou dost not understand the Topicks . When Snow is on the tops of the Hills , Lightning , Thunder , Tempest , Whirlwinds , Storms , Hurricanes , and all the Devils of Hell rage in the Valleys . Wouldst thou see the experience thereof , go to the Territory of the Swissers , and earnestly perpend with thy self there the Situation of the Lake of Wendelberliok , about four Leagues distant from Berne , on the Syon-side of the Land . Thou twittest me with my Grey Heirs , yet considerest not how I am of the Nature of Leeks , which with a white Head carry a green , fresh , streight , and vigorous Tail .

The truth is nevertheless , ( why should I deny it ) that I now and then discern in my self some indicative Signs of Old Age. Tell this , I prithee , to no body , but let it be kept very close and secret betwixt us two ; for I find the Wine much sweeter now , more savoury to my taste , and unto my Palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to do ; and withal , besides mine accustomed manner , I have a more dreadful Apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad Wine . Note and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the West and Occident of my time , and signifieth that the South and Meridian of mine Age is past . But what then ? my Gentle Companion , that doth but betoken that I will hereafter drink so much the more . That is not , the Devil hale it , the thing that I fear ; nor is there where my Shoo pinches . The thing that I doubt most , and have greatest reason to dread and suspect , is , that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel ( to whom I must needs bear Company , should he go to all the Devils of Berathrum ) my future Wife shall make me a Cuckold . This is , in truth , the long and the short on 't : For I am by all those whom I have spoke to menac'd and threatned with a Horned Fortune ; and all of them affirm , it is the Lot to which from Heaven I am predestinated . Every one ( answered Friar Ihon ) that would be a Cuckold , is not one : If it be thy Fate to be hereafter of the number of that Horned Cattle , then may I conclude with an Ergo , thy Wife will be beautiful , and Ergo , thou wilt be kindly used by her : Likewise with this Ergo thou shalt be blissed with the fruition of many Friends and Well-willers : And finally with this other Ergo thou shalt be saved , and have a place in Paradise . These are Monachal Topicks and Maxims of the Cloyster : Thou mayst take more liberty to sin : Thou shalt be more at ease than ever : There will be nevertheless left for thee , nothing diminished , but thy Goods shall increase notably : And if so be it was preordinated for thee , wouldst thou be so impious as not to acquiesce in thy Destiny ? Speak thou jaded Cod , Faded C. Mouldy C. Musty C. Paultery C. Senseless C. Foundred C. Distempred C. Berayed C. Inveigled C. Dangling C. Stupid C. Seedless C. Soaked C. Lowting C. Discouraged C. Surfeited C. Peevish C. Translated C. Forlorn C. Unsavoury C. Worm-eaten C. Overtoiled C. Miserable C. Steeped C. Kneaded with cold Water C. Appealant C. Swagging C. Withered C. Broken reined C. Defective C. Crestfallen C. Felled C. Fleeted C. Cloyed C. Squeezed C. Resty C. Pounded C. Loose C. Coldish C. Peckled C. Churned C. Filiped C. Singlefied C. Begrimed C. Wrinkled C. Fainted C. Extenuated C. Grim C. Wasted C. Inflamed C. Unhinged C. Scurfie C. Stradling C. Putrified C. Maimed C. Overlechered C. Druggely C. Mitified C. Goat-ridden C. Weakned C. Asse-ridden C. Puff-pasted C. St. Anthonified C. Untriped C. Blasted C. Cut off C. Beveraged C. Scarified C. Dasht C. Slasht C. Infeebled C. Whore-hunting C. Deteriorated C. I hil C. Scrupulous C. Crazed C. Tasteless C. Hacked C. Flaggy C. Scrubby C. Drained C. Haled C. Lolling C. Drenched C. Burst C. Stirred up C. Mitred C. Pedlingly furnished C. Rusty C. Exhausted C. Perplexed C. Unhelved C. Fizled C. Leaprous C. Bruised C. Spadonick C. Boughty C. Mealy C. Wrangling C. Gangreened C. Crustrisen C. Ragged C. Quelled C. Bragodochio C. Beggarly C. Trepanned C. Bedusked C. Emasculated C. Corked C. Transparent C. Vile C. Antidated C. Chopped C. Pinked C. Cup-glassified C. Fruitless C. Riven C. Pursie C. Fusty C. Jadish C. Fistulous C. Languishing C. Maleficiated C. Hectick C. Worn out C. Ill-favoured C. Duncified C. Macerated C. Paralytick C. Degraded C. Benummed C. Bat-like C. Fart-shotten C. Sun-burnt C. Pacified C. Blunted C. Rankling tasted C. Rooted out C. Costive C. Hailed on C. Cuffed C. Buffeted C. Whirreted C. Robbed C. Neglected C. Lame C. Confused C. Unsavoury C. Overthrown C. Boulted C. Trod under C. Desolate C. Declining C. Stinching C. Sorrowful C. Murthered C. Matachin-like C. Besotted C. Customerless C. Minced C. Exulcerated C. Patched C. Stupified C. Annihilated C. Spent C. Foiled C. Aguish C. Disfigured C. Disabled C. Forcedless C. Censured C. Cut C. Rifled C. Undone C. Corrected C. Slit C. Skittish C. Spungy C. Botched C. Dejected C. Jagged C. Pining C. Deformed C. Mischieved C. Cobled C. Imbased C. Ransacked C. Despised C. Mangy C. Abased C. Supine C. Mended C. Dismayed C. Harsh C. Beaten C. Barred C. Abandoned C. Confounded C. Lowtish C. Born down C. Sparred C. Abashed C. Unseasonable C. Opprest C. Grated C. Falling away C. Smalcut C. Disordered C. Lattised C. Ruined C. Exasperated C. Rejected C. Belammed C. Fabricitant C. Perused C. Emasculated C. Roughly handled C. Examined C. Crakt C. Waiward C. Hagled C. Gleaning C. Ill-favoured C. Pulled C. Drooping C. Faint C. Parched C. Paultry C. Cankred C. Void C. Vexed C. Bestunk C. Crooked C. Brabling C. Rotten C. Anxious C. Clouted C. Tired C. Proud C. Fractured C. Melancholy C. Coxcombly C. Base C. Bleaked C. Detested C. Diaphanous C. Unworthy C. Checked C. Mangled C. Turned over C. Harried C. Flawed C. Froward C. Ugly C. Drawn C. Riven C. Distasteful C. Hanging C. Broken C. Limber C. Effeminate C. Kindled C. Evacuated C. Grieved C. Carking C. Disorderly C. Empty C. Disquieted C. Besysted C. Confounded C. Hooked C. Diverous C. Wearied C. Sad C. Cross C. Vain-glorious C. Poor C. Brown C. Shrunkin C. Abhorred C. Troubled C. Scornful C. Dishonest C. Reproved C. Cocketed C. Filthy C. Shred C. Chawned C. Short-winded C. Branchless C. Chapped C. Failing C. Deficient C. Lean C. Consumed C. Used C. Puzled C. Allayed C. Spoiled C. Clagged C. Palsey-strucken C. Amazed C. Bedunsed C. Extirpated C. Banged C. Stripped C. Hoary C. Winnowed C. Decayed C. Disastrous C. Unhandsom C. Stummed C. Barren C. Wretched C. Feeble C. Cast down C. Stopped C. Kept under C. Stubborn C. Ground C. Retchless C. Weather-beaten C. Flayed C. Bauld C. Tossed C. Flapping C. Cleft C. Meagre C. Dumpified C. Supprest C. Hagged C. Jawped C. Havocked C. Astonished C. Dulled C. Slow C. Plucked up C. Constipated C. Blown C. Blockify'd C. Pommeled C. All-to-be mawl'd C. Fallen away C. Unlucky C. Steril C. Beshitten C. Appeased C. Caitive C. Woful C. Unseemly C. Heavy C. Weak C. Prostrated C. Uncomely C. Naughty C. Laid flat C. Suffocated C. Held down C. Barked C. Hairless C. Flamping C. Hooded C. Wormy C. Besysted C. Faulty C. Bemealed C. Mortified C. Scurvy C. Bescabbed C. Torn C. Subdued C. Sneaking C. Bare C. Swart C. Smutched C. Raised up C. Chopped C. Flirted C. Blained C. Blotted C. Sunk in C. Gastly C. Unpointed C. Beblistered C. Wizened C. Begger-plated C. Douf C. Clarty C. Lumpish C. Abject C. Side C. Choaked up C. Backward C. Prolix C. Spotted C. Crumpled C. Frumpled C. State C. Corrupted C. Beflowred C. Amated C. Blackish C. Underlaid C. Loathing C. Ill-filled C. Bobbed C. Mated C. Tawny C. Whealed C. Besmeared C. Hollow C. Pantless C. Guizened C. Demiss C. Refractory C. Rensie C. Frowning C. Limping C. Raveled C. Rammish C. Gaunt C. Beskimmered C. Scraggy C. Lank C. Swashring C. Moyling C. Swinking C. Harried C. Tugged C. Towed C. Misused C. Adamitical C.

Balockatso to the Devil , my dear Friend Panurge , seeing it is so decreed by the Gods , wouldst thou invert the course of the Planets , and make them retrograde ? Wouldst thou disorder all the Coelestial Spheres ? blame the Intelligences , blunt the Spindles , joynt the Wherves , slander the Spinning Quills , reproach the Bobbins , revile the Clew-bottoms , and finally ravel and untwist all the Threads of both the warp and the waft of the weer'd Sister Parques ? What a Pox to thy Bones dost thou mean , stony Cod ? thou wouldst if thou couldst , a great deal worse than the Gyants of old intended to have done ▪ Come hither , Billicullion ; Whether wouldst thou be Jealous without cause , or be a Cuckold and know nothing of it ? Neither the one nor the other ( quoth Panurge ) would I choose to be : But if I get an inkling of the matter , I will provide well enough , or there shall not be one stick of Wood within Five hundred Leagues about me , whereof to make a Cudgel . In good Faith ( Fryar Ihon ) I speak now seriously unto thee , I think it will be my best not to marry : Hearken to what the Bells do tell me , now that we are nearer to them : Do not Marry , Marry not , not , not , not , not ; Marry , Marry not , not , not , not , not : If thou Marry , thou wilt miscarry , carry , carry ▪ thou 'lt repent it , resent it , sent it : if thou Marry , thou a Cuckold , a Cou-cou-Cuckoe , Cou-cou-Cuckold thou shalt be . By the worthy Wrath of God I begin to be angry ; this Campanilian Oracle fretteth me to the Guts , a March-Hare was never in such a Chaff as I am . O how I am vexed ! you Monks and Fryars of the Cowl-pated , and Hood-poll'd Fraternity , have you no Remedy nor Salve against this Malady of Graffing Horns in Heads ? Hath Nature so abandoned Humane-kind , and of her help left us so destitute , that married Men cannot know how to sail through the Seas of this mortal Life , and be safe from the Whirlpools , Quicksands , Rocks , and Banks , that lie alongst the Coast of Cornwall .

I will ( said Fryar Ihon ) shew thee a way , and teach thee an expedient , by means whereof thy Wife shall never make thee a Cuckold without thy knowledge , and thine own consent . Do me the favour , I pray thee , ( quoth Panurge ) my pretty soft downy Cod ; now tell it , Billy , tell it , I beseech thee . Take ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) Hans Carvel's Ring upon thy Finger , who was the King of Melinda's chief Jeweller ; besides that , this Hans Carvel had the Reputation of being very skilful and expert in the Lapidary's Profession , he was a studious , learned , and ingenious Man , a Scientifick Person , full of Knowledge , a great Philosopher , of a sound Judgment , of a prime Wit , good Sence , clear Spirited , an honest Creature , Courteous , Charitable , Giver of Alms , and of a Jovial Humour , a Boon Companion , and a Merry Blade , if ever there was any in the World : He was somewhat Gorbellied , had a little Shake in his Head , and in effect unwieldy of his Body ; in his Old Age he took to Wife the Bayliff of Concordat's Daughter , a young , fair , jolly , gallant , spruce , frisk , brisk , neat , feat , smirk ●●ug , compt , quaint , gay , fine , trixy , tri●● , decent , proper , graceful , handsome , beautiful , comely ; and kind , a little too much to her Neighbours and Acquaintance .

Hereupon it fell out , after the expiring of a scantling of Weeks , that Master Carvel became as jealous as a Tygar , and entred into a very profound suspition , that his new-married Gixy did keep a Buttock-stirring with others : to prevent which inconveniency , he did tell her many tragical Stories of the total Ruine of several Kingdoms by Adultery ; did read unto her the Legend of chast Wives ; then made some Lectures to her in the praise of the choice Vertue of Pucidity , and did present her with a Book in Commendation of Conjugal Fidelity : wherein the wickedness of all licentious Women was odiously detested ; and withal , he gave her a Chain enriched with pure Oriental Saphires . Notwithstanding all this , he found her always more and more inclined to the reception of her Neighbour Copes-mates , that day by day his Jealousie increased ; in sequel whereof , one Night as he was lying by her , whilst in his Sleep the rambling Fancies of the leacherous Deportments of his Wife , did take up the Celluls , of his Brain , he dreamt that he encountred with the Devil , to whom he had discovered to the full the buzzing of his Head , and suspicion that his Wife did tread her Shooe awry ; the Devil , he thought , in this perplexity , did for his comfort , give him a Ring , and therewithal did kindly put it on his Middle-finger , saying , Hans Carvel , I give thee this Ring , whilst thou carriest it upon that Finger , thy Wife shall never carnally be known by any other then thy self , without thy special knowledge and consent . Grammercy ( quoth Hans Carvel ) my Lord Devil , I renounce Mahomet , if ever it shall come off my Finger . The Devil vanished , as is his Custom , and then Hans Carvel full of Joy awaking , found that his Middle-finger was as far as it could reach within the What-do-you-call-it of his Wife . I did forget to tell thee , how his Wife , as soon as she had felt the Finger there , said in recoyling her Buttocks , Off , yes , nay , tut , pish , tush , aye , Lord , that is not the thing which should be put up in that place . With this Hans Carvel thought that some pilferring Fellow was about to take the Ring from him .

Is not this an Infallible and Sovereign Antidote ? therefore , if thou wilt believe me , in imitation of this Example , never fail to have continually the Ring of thy Wife's Commodity upon thy Finger . When that was said , their Discourse and their Way ended .

CHAP. XXIX . How Pantagruel Convocated together a Theologian , Physitian , Lawyer , and Philosopher , for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was .

NO sooner were they come into the Royal Palace , but they , to the full , made Report unto Pantagruel of the Success of their Expedition ; they shew him the Response of Paminagrobis . When Pantagruel had read it over and over again , the oftner he perused it , being the better pleased therewith ; he said , in addressing his Speech to Panurge , I have not as yet seen any Answer framed to your Demand , which affordeth me more Contentment : for in this his succinct Copy of Verses , he summarily , and briefly , yet fully enough expresseth , how he would have us to understand , that every one in the Project and Enterprize of Marriage , ought to be his own Carver , sole Arbitrator of his proper Thoughts , and from himself alone take Counsel in the main and peremptory closure of what his Determination should be , in either his assent to , or dissent from it . Such always hath been my Opinion to you , and when at first you spoke thereof to me , I truly told you this same very thing ; but tacitly you scorned my Advice , and would not harbour it within your mind . I know for certain , and therefore may I with the greater confidence utter my conception of it , that Philauty , or Self love , is that which blinds your Judgment , and deceiveth you .

Let us do otherways , and that is this : Whatever we are , or have , consisteth in Three Things : the Soul , the Body , and the Goods : now for the preservation of these Three , there are Three sorts of Learned Men ordained , each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended to his charge . Theologues are appointed for the Soul , Physitians for the Welfare of the Body , and Lawyers for the Safety of our Goods : hence it is , that it is my Resolution to have on Sunday next with me at Dinner , a Divine , a Physician , and a Lawyer , that with those Three assembled thus together , we may in every Point and Particle , confer at large of your Perplexity . By Saint Picot ( answered Panurge ) we never shall do any good that way : I see it already , and you see your self how the World is vilely abused , as when with a Fox-tayl one claps another's Breech , to cajole him . We give our Souls to keep to the Theologues , who for the greater part are Hereticks : Our Bodies we commit to the Physitians , who never themselves take any Physick : and then we intrust our Goods to Lawyers , who never go to Law against one another . You speak like a Courtier ( quoth Pantagruel ) but the first Point of your Assertion is to be denied : for we daily see how good Theologues make it their chief Business , their whole and sole Employment , by their Deeds , their Words , and Writings , to extirpate Errors and Heresies out of the Hearts of Men ; and in their stead profoundly plant the true and lively Faith . The Second Point you spoke of I commend : for whereas the Professors of the Art of Medicine , give so good order to the Prophylactick , or Conservative part of their Faculty , in what concerneth their proper Healths , that they stand in no need of making use of the other Branch , which is the Curative , or Therapentick , by Medicaments . As for the Third , I grant it to be true : for Learned Advocates and Counsellors at Law , are so much taken up with the Affairs of others in their Consultations , Pleadings , and such-like Patrocinations of those who are their Clients , that they have no leisure to attend any Controversies of their own . Therefore , on the next ensuing Sunday , let the Divine be our godly Father Hippothadee , the Physitian our honest Master Rondibilis , and the Legist our good Friend Bridlegoose : nor will it be ( to my thinking ) amiss , that we enter into the Pythagorick Field , and choose for an Assistant to the Three aforenamed Doctors , our ancient faithful Acquaintance , the Philosopher Trouillogan ; especially seeing a perfect Philosopher , such as is Trouiilogan , is able positively to resolve all whatsoever Doubts you can propose . Carpalin , have you a care to have them here all Four on Sunday next at Dinner , without fail .

I believe ( quoth Epistemon ) that throughout the whole Country , in all the Corners thereof , you could not have pitched upon such other Four : which I speak not so much in regard of the most excellent Qualifications and Accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective Discharge and Management of each his own Vocation and Calling , ( wherein without all doubt or controversie , they are the Paragons of the Land , and surpass all others ) as for that Rondibilis is marrried now , who before was not : Hippothadee was not before , nor is yet : Bridlegoose was married once , but is not now : and Trouillogan is married now , who wedded was to another Wife before . Sir , if it may stand with your good liking , I will ease Carpalin of some parcel of his Labour , and invite Bridlegoose my self , with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity , and unto whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful Youth , who now studieth at Tholouse , under the most learned , vertuous Doctor Boissonnet . Do what you deem most expedient ( quoth Pantagruel ) and tell me , if my Recommendation can in any thing be steadable for the promoval of the good of that Youth , or otherways serve for bettering of the Dignity and Office of the worthy Boissonet , whom I do so love and respect , for one of the ablest and most sufficient in his way , that any where are extant . Sir , I will use therein my best Endeavours , and heartily bestir my self about it .

CHAP. XXX . How the Theologue , Hippothadee , giveth Counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his Nuptial Enterprize .

THE Dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready , than that the afore-named invited Guests gave thereto their Appearance , all of them ; Bridlegoose only excepted , who was the Deputy-Governor of the Fonspeton . At the ushering in of the Second Service , Panurge making a low Reverence , spake thus : Gentlemen , the Question I am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few Words ; Should I marry or no ? If my Doubt herein be not resolved by you , I shall hold it altogether insolvable , as are the Insolubilia de Aliaco ; for all of you are elected , chosen , and culled out from amongst others , every one in his own Condition and Quality , like so many picked Peas on a Carpet .

The Father Hippothada , in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel , and with much Courtesie to the Company , answered exceeding modestly , after this manner : My Friend , you are pleased to ask Counsel of us ; but first you must consult with your self . Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your Body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the Flesh ? That I do ( quoth Panurge ) in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure : Be not offended , I beseech you , good Father , at the freedom of my Expression . No truly , Friend , not I , ( quoth Hippothadee ) there is no reason why I should be displeased therewith : But in this Carnal Strife and Debate of yours , have you obtained from God the Gift and special Grace of Continency ? In good Faith , not , ( quoth Panurge . ) My Counsel to you in that case ( my Friend ) is , that you marry , ( quoth Hippothadee ) for you should rather choose to marry once , than to burn still in Fires of Concupiscence . Then Panurge , with a jovial Heart and a loud Voice , cried out , That is spoke gallantly , without circumbilivaginating about and about , and never hit it in its centred Point . Grammercy , my good Father . In truth I am resolved now to marry , and without fail I shall do it quickly . I invite you to my Wedding ; by the Body of a Hen , we shall make good Cheer , and be as merry as Crickets : You shall wear the Bridegroom's Colours ; and if we eat a Goose , my Wife shall not rost for me . I will intreat you to lead up the first Dance of the Brides Maids , if it may please you to do me so much Favour and Honour . There resteth yet a small Difficulty , a little Scruple , yea , even less than nothing , whereof I humbly crave your Resolution ; Shall I be a Cuckold , Father , yea or no ? By no means , ( answered Hippothadee ) will you be Cuckolded , if it please God . O the Lord help us now , ( quoth Panurge ) whither are we driven to , good Folks ? To the Conditionals , which according to the Rules and Precepts of the Dialectick Faculty , admit of all contradictions and impossibilities . If my Transalpine Mule had Wings , my Transalpine Mule would fly . If it please God I shall not be a Cockold , but I shall be a Cuckold if it please him . Good God , if this were a condition which I knew how to prevent , my Hopes should be as high as ever , nor would I despair : But you here send me to God's Privy Council , to the Closet of his little Pleasures . You my French Countrymen , which is the way you take to go thither ?

My honest Father , I believe it will be your best not to come to my Wedding : The clutter and dingle dangle noise of Marriage Guests will but disturb you , and break the serious Fancies of your Brain . You love Repose , with Solitude and Silence ; I really believe you will not come . And then you Dance but indifferently , and would be out of Countenance at the first Entry . I will send you some good things to your Chamber , together with the Bride's Favour , and there you may drink our Health , if it may stand with your good liking . My Friend ( quoth Hippothadee ) take my Words in the Sence wherein I meaned them , and do not misinterpret me . When I tell you , if it please God , do I to you any wrong therein ? Is it an ill Expression ? Is it a Blaspheming Clause or Reserve any way scandalous unto the World ? Do not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty , Creator , Pretector and Conserver of all things ? Is not that a mean , whereby we do acknowledge him to be the sole Giver of all whatsoever is good ? Do not we in that manifest our Faith , that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and incomprehensible Bounty ? and that without him nothing can be produced , nor after its Production be of any value , force , or power , without the concurring aid and favour of his assisting Grace ? Is it not a canonical and authentick Exception , worthy to be premised to all our Undertakings ? Is it not expedient that what we propose unto our selves , be still referred to what shall be disposed of by the Sacred Will of God , unto which all things must acquiesce in the Heavens as well as on the Earth ? Is not that verily a sanctifying of his Holy Name ? My Friend , you shall not be a Cuckold , if it please God , nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good Will and Pleasure herein , as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously hidden Secret , that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to consult with those of his Celestial Privy Council , or expresly make a Voyage unto the Empyrean Chamber , where Order is given for the effectuating of his most holy Pleasures .

The great God hath done us this good , that he hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly , and described them in the Holy Bible . There will you find that you shall never be a Cuckold , that is to say , your Wife shall never be a Strumpet , if you make choice of one of a commendable Extraction , descended of honest Parents , and instructed in all Piety and Vertue : Such a one as hath not at any time hanted or frequented the Company or Conversation of those that are of corrupt and deprav'd Manners ; one loving and fearing God , who taketh a singular delight in drawing near to him by Faith , and the cordial observing of his Sacred Commandments : And finally , one who standing in awe of the Divine Majesty , of the most High , will be loath to offend him , and lose the favourable kindness of his Grace through any defect of Faith , or transgression against the Ordinances of his Holy Law , wherein Adultery is most rigorously forbidden , and a close Adherence to her Husband alone most strictly and severely enjoyned ; yea , in such sort , that she is to cherish , serve and love him above any thing , next to God , that meriteth to be beloved . In the interim , for the better schooling of her in these Instructions , and that the wholsom Doctrine of a Matrimonial Duty may take the deeper Root in her Mind , you must needs carry your self so on your part , and your behaviour is to be such , that you are to go before her in a good Example , by entertaining her unfeignedly with a Conjugal Amity , by continually approving your self in all your Words and Actions a faithful and discreet Husband ; and by living not only at home , and privately with your own Houshold and Family , but in the face also of all Men , and open view of the World , devotely , vertuously and chastly , as you would have her on her side to deport and demean her self towards you , as becomes a Godly , Loyal and Respectful Wife , who maketh Conscience to keep inviolable the Tie of a Matrimonial Oath .

For as that Looking-glass is not the best , which is most deck'd with Gold and Precious Stones , but that which representeth to the Eye the liveliest shapes of Objects set before it : Even so that Wife should not be most esteemed who richest is , and of the noblest Race , but she who fearing God , conforms her self nearest unto the Humour of her Husband .

Consider how the Moon doth not borrow her Light from Iupiter , Mars , Mercury , or any other of the Planets ; nor yet from any of those Splendid Stars which are set in the spangled Firmament ; but from her Husband only , the bright Sun , which she receiveth from him more or less , according to the manner of his Aspect , and variously bestowed Eradiations . Just so should you be a Pattern to your Wife in Vertue , goodly Zeal and true Devotion , that by your Radiance in darting on her the Aspect of an Exemplary Goodness , she , in your imitation , may outshine the Luminaries of all other Women . To this effect you daily must implore God's Grace to the Protection of you both . You would have me then ( quoth Panurge , twisting the Whiskers of his Beard on either side with the Thumb and Fore-finger of his Left Hand ) to espouse and take to Wife the prudent frugal Woman described by Solomon : Without all doubt she is dead , and truly to my best remembrance I never saw her ; the Lord forgive me . Nevertheless I thank you , Father ; eat this slice of Marchpane , it will help your Disgestion ; then shall you be presented with a Cup of Claret Hypocras , which is right healthful and stomached . Let us proceed .

CHAP. XXXI . How the Physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge .

PAnurge continuing his Discourse , said , The first word which was spoken by him who guelded the Lubbardly quaffing Monks of Saussiniac , after that he had unstoned Friar Corcil , was this , To the rest . In like manner , I say , to the rest . Therefore I beseech you , my good Master Rondibilis , should I marry or not ? By the raking pace of my Mule , quoth Rondibilis , I know not what Answer to make to this Problem of yours .

You say that you feel in you the pricking Stings of Sensuality , by which you are stirred up to Venery . I find in our Faculty of Medicine , and we have founded our Opinion therein upon the deliberate Resolution and final Decision of the ancient Platonicks , that Carnal Concupiscence is cooled and quelled five several ways .

First , By the means of Wine . I shall easily believe that , ( quoth Friar Ihon ) for when I am well whitled with the Juyce of the Grape , I care for nothing else so I may sleep . When I say ( quoth Rondibilis ) that Wine abateth Lust , my meaning is , Wine immoderately taken ; for by Intemperancy proceeding from the excessive drinking of Strong Liquor , there is brought upon the Body of such a Swill-down Bouser a chilness in the Blood , a slackening in the Sinews , a Dissipation of the Generative Seed , a numbness and hebetation of the Senses , with a perversive wriness and Convulsion of the Muscles ; all which are great Lets and Impediments to the Act of Generation . Hence it is that Bacchus , the God of Bibbers , Tiplers and Drunkards is most commonly painted Beardless , and clad in a Womans Habit , as a Person altogether Effeminate , or like a libbed Eunuch . Wine nevertheless taken moderately worketh quite contrary Effects , as is implied by the old Proverb , which saith , That Venus takes cold when not accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus . This Opinion is of great Antiquity , as appeareth by the Testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian , and confirmed by Pausanias , and universally held amongst the Lampsacians , that Don Priapos was the Son of Bacchus and Venus .

Secondly , The Fervency of Lust is abated by certain Drugs , Plants , Herbs and Roots , which make the Taker cold , maleficiated , unfit for , and unable to perform the Act of Generation ; as hath been often experimented in the Water-Lilly , Heraclea , Agnus Castus , Willow-twigs , Hemp-stalks , Woodbind , Honey suckle , Tamarisk , Chastree , Mandrake , Bennet , Kecbuglosse , the Skin of a Hippopatam , and many other such , which by convenient Doses proportioned to the peccant Humour and Constitution of the Patient , being duly and seasonably received within the Body , what by their Elementary Vertues on the one side , and peculiar Properties on the other , do either benumb , mortifie and beclumpse with Cold the prolifick Semence ; or scatter and disperse the Spirits , which ought to have gone along with , and conducted the Sperm to the places destinated and appointed for its reception . Or lastly , Shut up , stop and obstruct the ways , passages and conduits through which the Seed should have been expelled , evacuated and ejected . We have nevertheless of those Ingredients , which being of a contrary Operation , heat the Blood , bend the Nerves , unite the Spirits , quicken the Senses , strengthen the Muscles , and thereby rouze up , provoke , excite and inable a Man to the vigorous Accomplishment of the Feat of Amorous Dalliance . I have no need of those , ( quoth Panurge ) God be thanked , and you my good Master . Howsoever I pray you take no exception or offence at these my words ; for what I have said was not out of any ill Will I did bear to you , the Lord he knows .

Thirdly , The Ardour of Lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent Labour and continual Toiling : For by painful Exercises and laborious working , so great a Dissolution is brought upon the whole Body , that the Blood which runneth alongst the Channels of the Veins thereof , for the Nourishment and Alimentation of each of its Members , hath neither time , leisure nor power to afford the Seminal Resudation , or superfluity of the third Concoction , which Nature most carefully reserves for the conservation of the Individual , whose Preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the propagating of the Species , and the multiplication of Humane Kind . Whence it is , that Diana is said to be chast , because she is never idle , but always busied about her Hunting , For the same reason was a Camp , or Leaguer of old called Castrum , as if they would have said Castum : because the Soldiers , Wrestlers , Runners , Throwers of the Bar , and other such-like Athletick Champions , as are usually seen in a Military Circumvallation , do uncessantly travel and turmoil , and are in a perpetual stir and agitation . To this purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his Book , De Aere Aqua & locis : That in his time there were People in Scythia as impotent as Eunuchs , in the discharge of a Venerian Exploit ; because that without any cessation , pause , or respit , they were never from off Horseback , or otherways assiduously employed in some troublesome and molesting Drudgery .

On the other part , in opposition and repugnancy hereto , the Philosophers say , That Idleness is the Mother of Luxury . When it was asked Ovid , Why Egistus became an Adulterer ? he made no other Answer but this : Because he was idle . Who were able to rid the World of Loytring and Laziness , might easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his Designs , Aims , Engines , and Devices , and so disable and appall him , that his Bow , Quiver , and Darts should from thenceforth be a meer needless Load and Burthen to him : for that it could not then lie in his power to strike , or wound any of either Sex , with all the Arms he had . He is not , I believe , so expert an Archer , as that he can hit the Cranes flying in the Air , or yet the young Stags skipping through the Thickets , as the Parthians knew well how to do ; that is to say , People moyling , sinking , and hurrying up and down , restless , and without repose . He must have those husht , still , quiet , lying at a stay , lither , and full of ease , whom he is able , though his Mother help him , to touch , much less to pierce with all his Arrows , in confirmation hereof , Theophrastus being asked on a time , What kind of Beast or Thing he judged a toyish , wanton Love to be ? he made Answer , That it was a Passion of idle and sluggish Spirits . From which pretty Description of ticking Love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant , when he defined Leachery , Occupation of Folks destitute of all other Occupation .

For this cause the Syconian Engraver , Canachus , being desirous to give us to understand , that Sloath , Drouziness , Negligence , and Laziness were the prime Guardians and Governesses of Ribaldry , made the Statue of Venus ( not standing , as other Stone-Cutters had used to do , but ) sitting .

Fourthly , The tickling pricks of Incontinency are blunted by an eager Study ; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the Spirits , that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push and thrust forwards the Generative Resudation to the places thereto appropriated , and therewithal inflate the Cavernous Nerve ; whose office is to ejaculate the Moisture for the Propagation of Humane Progeny . Least you should think it is not so , be pleased but to contemplate a little the Form , Fashion , and Carriage of a Man exceeding earnestly set upon some Learned Meditation , and deeply plunged therein , and you shall see how all the Arteries of his Brains are stretched forth , and bent like the String of a Cross-bow , the more promptly , dexterously , and copiously to suppeditate , furnish , and supply him with store of Spirits , sufficient to replenish , and fill up the Ventricles , Seats , Tunnels , Mansions , Receptacles , and Celluls of the common Sense ; of the Imagination , Apprehension , and Fancy ; of the Ratiocination , Arguing , and Resolution ; as likewise of the Memory , Recordation , and Remembrance ; and with great alacrity , nimbleness , and agility to run , pass , and course from the one to the other , through those Pipes , Windings , and Conduits , which to skilful Anatomists are perceivable , at the end of the Wonderful Net , where all the Arteries close in a terminating Point : which Arteries taking their rise and origine from the left Capsul of the Heart , bring through several Circuits , Ambages , and Anfractuosities , the Vital , to subtilize and refine them to the Aetherial Purity of Animal Spirits . Nay , in such a studiously musing Person , you may espy so extravagant Raptures of one , as it were , out of himself , that all his Natural Faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their proper charge and office , and his exteriour Senses to be at a stand . In a word , you cannot otherways choose then think , that he is by an extraordinary Extasie quite transported out of what he was , or should be ; and that Socrates did not speak improperly , when he said , That Philosophy was nothing else but a Meditation upon Death . This possibly is the reason , why Democritus deprived himself of the Sense of Seeing , prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his Sight , than the diminution of his Contemplations ; which he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant , flying-out strayings of his unsetled and roving Eyes . Therefore is it , that Pallas , the Goddess of Wisdom , Tutress , and Guardianess of such as are diligently studious , and painfully industrious , is , and hath been still accounted a Virgin . The Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual Maids : and the Graces for the like reason , have been held to continue in a sempiternal Pudicity .

I remember to have read , that Cupid on a time being asked of his Mother Venus , why he did not assault and set upon the Muses , his Answer was , That he found them so fair , so sweet , so fine , so neat , so wise , so learned , so modest , so discreet , so courteous , so vertuous , and so continually busied and employed : One in the Speculation of the Stars ; another in the Supputation of Numbers ; the Third in the Dimension of Geometrical Quantities ; the Fourth in the Composition of Heroick Poems ; the Fifth in the jovial Interludes of a Comick Strain ; the Sixth in the stately Gravity of a Tragick Vein ; the Seventh in the Melodious Disposition of Musical Airs ; the Eighth in the compleatest manner of Writing Histories , and Books on all sorts of Subjects ; and the Ninth in the Mysteries , Secrets , and Curiosities of all Sciences , Faculties , Disciplines , and Arts whatsoever , whether Liberal or Mechanick ; that ap●proaching near unto them , he unbended his Bow , shut his Quiver , and extinguished his Torch , through meer shame and fear , that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice : which done , he thereafter put off the Fillet wherewith his Eyes were bound , to look them in the Face , and to hear their Melody and Poetick Odes . There took he the greatest pleasure in the World ; that many times he was transported with their Beauty and pretty Behaviour , and charmed asleep by the Harmony : so far was he from assaulting them , or interrupting their Studies . Under this Article may be comprised , what Hippocrates wrote in the aforecited Treatise concerning the Scythians , as also that in a Book of his entituled , Of Breeding and Production ; where he hath affirmed , all such Men to be unfit for Generation , as have their Parotid Arteries cut ; whose Situation is beside the Ears : for the reason given already , when I was speaking of the resolution of the Spirits , and of that Spiritual Blood , whereof the Arteries are the sole and proper Receptacles ; and that likewise he doth maintain a large portion of the Parastatick Liquor , to issue and descend from the Brains and Back-bone .

Fifthly , By the too frequent reiteration of the Act of Venery . There did I wait for you ( quoth Panurge ) and shall willingly apply it to my self , whilst any one that pleaseth may , for me , make use of any of the four preceding . That is the very same thing ( quoth Fryar Ihon ) which Father Scyllino , Prior of Saint Victor , at Marseilles , calleth by the Name of Maceration , and taming of the Flesh. I am of the same Opinion ; and so was the Hermite of Saint Radegonde , a little above Chinon : for ( quoth he ) the Hermites of Thebaida can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the Pride of their Bodies , daunt and mortifie their leacherous Sensuality , or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the Flesh , then by dufling and fanferluching it Five and twenty , or Thirty times a day . I see Panurge , quoth Rondibilis , neatly featured , and proportioned in all the Members of his Body , of a good temperament in his Humors , well complexioned in his Spirits , of a competent Age , in an opportune Time , and of a reasonably forward Mind to be married : truly , if he encounter with a Wife of the like Nature , Temperament , and Constitution , he may beget upon her Children worthy of some Transpontine Monarchy ; and the sooner he marry , it will be the better for him , and the more conducible for his Profit , if he would see and have his Children in his own time well provided for . Sir , my worthy Master ( quoth Panurge ) I will do it , do not you doubt thereof ; and that quickly enough , I warrant you . Nevertheless , whilst you were busied in the uttering of your Learned Discourse , this Flea which I have in mine Ear , hath tickled me more then ever . I retain you in the Number of my Festival Guests , and promise you , that we shall not want for Mirth , and Good Chear enough ; yea , over and above the ordinary Rate . And , if it may please you , desire your Wife to come along with you , together with her She-Friends and Neighbours : That is to be understood , and there shall be fair Play .

CHAP. XXXII . How Rondibilis declareth Cuckoldry to be naturally one of the Appendances of Marriage .

THere remaineth as yet , quoth Panurge going on in his Discourse , one small scruple to be cleared : you have seen heretofore , I doubt not , in the Roman Standards , S. P. Q. R. Si , Peu , Que , Rien : Shall not I be a Cuckold ? By the Haven of Safety , cried out Rondibilis , what is this you ask of me ? If you shall be a Cuckold : My Noble Friend , I am married , and you are like to be so very speedily : therefore be pleased from my Experiment in the matter , to write in your Brain , with a Steel-pen , this subsequent Ditton , There is no married Man who doth not run the hazard of being made a Cuckold . Cuckoldry naturally attendeth Marriage ; the Shadow doth not more naturally follow the Body , then Cuckoldry ensueth after Marriage , to place fair Horns upon the Husband's Heads .

And when you shall happen to hear any Man pronounce these three Words : He is Married : if you then say he is , hath been , shall be , or may be a Cuckold , you will not be accounted an unskilful Artist in framing of true Consequences . Tripes and Bowels of all the Devils , cries Panurge , what do you tell me ? My dear Friend , ( answered Rondibilis ) as Hippocrates , on a time , was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo , to Visit the Philosopher Democritus , he wrote a familiar Letter to his Friend Dionoys , wherein he desired him , That he would during the interval of his absence , carry his Wife to the House of her Father and Mother , who were an honourable Couple , and of good Repute ; because I would not have her at my Home , ( said he ) to make abode in Solitude : yet notwithstanding this her Residence beside her Parents , do not fail ( quoth he ) with a most heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways , and to espy what places she shall go to with her Mother , and who those be that shall repair unto her : Not ( quoth he ) that I do mistrust her Vertue , or that I seem to have any diffidence of her Pudicity , and chaste Behaviour ; for of that I have frequently had good and real proofs : but I must freely tell you , She is a Woman : there lies the suspition .

My worthy Friend , the Nature of Women is set forth before our Eyes , and represented to us by the Moon , in divers other things , as well as in this , that they squat , sculck , constrain their own Inclinations , and with all the Cunning they can , dissemble and play the Hypocrite in the sight and presence of their Husbands ; who come no sooner to be out of the way , but that forthwith they take their advantage , pass the time merrily , desist from all labour , frolick it , gad abroad ; lay aside their counterfeit Garb , and openly declare and manifest the interiour of their Dispositions ; even as the Moon , when she is in Conjunction with the Sun , is neither seen in the Heavens , nor on the Earth , but in her Opposition , when remotest from him , shineth in her greatest fulness , and wholly appeareth in her brightest splendour whilst it is Night : Thus Women are but Women .

When I say Womankind , I speak of a Sex so frail , so variable , so changeable , so fickle , inconstant , and imperfect , that in my Opinion , Nature ( under favour nevertheless of the prime Honour and Reverence which is due unto her ) did in a manner mistake the Road which she had traced formerly , and stray exceedingly from that Excellence of Providential Judgment , by the which she had created and formed all other things , when she built , framed , and made up the Woman . And having thought upon it a Hundred and five times , I know not what else to determine therein , save only that in the devising , hammering , forging , and composing of the Woman , she hath had a much tenderer regard , and by a great deal more respectful heed to the delightful Consortship , and sociable Delectation of the Man , than to the Perfection and Accomplishment of the individual Womanishness , or Mul●ebrity . The Divine Philosopher Plato , was doubtful in what Rank of living Creatures to place and collocate them , whither amongst the Rational Animals , by elevating them to an upper Seat in the Specifical Classis of Humanity ; or with the Irrational , by degrading them to a lower Bench on the opposite side , of a Brutal kind , and meer Bestiality : for Nature hath posited in a privy , secret , and intestine place of their Bodies , a sort of Member ( by some not impertinently termed an Animal ) which is not to be found in Men. Therein sometimes are engendred certain Humors so saltish , brackish , clammy , sharp , nipping , tearing , prickling , and most eagerly tickling , that by their stinging Acrimony , rending Nitrosity , figging Itch , wrigling Mordicancy , and smarting Salsitude , ( for the said Member is altogether sinewy , and of a most quick and lively feeling ) their whole Body is shaken and ebrangled , their Senses totally ravished and transported , the operations of their Judgment and Understanding utterly confounded , and all disordinate Passions and Perturbations of the Mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed , admitted , and approved of ; yea , in such sort , that if Nature had not been so favourable unto them , as to have sprinkled their Forehead with a little Tincture of Bashfulness and Modesty , you should see them in a so frantick mood run mad after Lechery , and hye apace up and down with hast and Lust , in quest of , and to fix some Chamber-Standard in their Paphian Ground , that never did the Pretides , Mimallonides , nor Lyaean Thyads deport themselves in the time of their Bacchanalian Festivals , more shamelesly , or with a so affronted and brazen-faced Impudency ; because this terrible Animal is knit unto , and hath an Union with all the chief and most principal parts of the Body , as to Anatomists is evident ▪ Let it not here be thought strange that I should call it an Animal , seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the Doctrine of the Academick and Peripatetick Philosophers . For if a proper Motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the Life and Animation of the Mover , ( as Aristotle writeth ) and that any such thing as moveth of its self ought to be held Animated , and of a Living Nature ; then assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the Denomination of an Animal ; for that he perceived and observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of Suffocation , Precipitation , Corrugation , and of Indignation , so extreamly violent , that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the Women all other sense and moving whatsoever , as if she were in a swounding Lipothymy , benumming Sincop , Epileptick , Apoplectick Palsey , and true resemblance of a pale-faced Death .

Furthermore , in the said Member there is a manifest discerning Faculty of Scents and Odours very perceptible to Women , who feel it fly from what is rank and unsavoury , and follow fragrant and Aromatick Smells . It is not unknown to me how Cl. Gallen striveth with might and main , to prove that these are not proper and particular Notions proceeding intrinsically from the thing it self , but accidentally , and by chance . Nor hath it escaped my notice , how others of that Sect have laboured hardly , yea , to the utmost of their Abilities , to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or perception in it of the difference of Wafts and Smells , but meerly a various manner of Vertue and Efficacy , passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous Substances applied near unto it . Nevertheless , if you will studiously examine , and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's Balance the strength of their Reasons and Arguments , you shall find that they , not only in this , but in several other matters also of the like nature , have spoken at random , and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters , than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth .

I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Dispute , only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slender which is due to those honest and good Women , who living chastly and without blame , have had the power and vertue to curb , range and subdue that unbridled , heady and wild Animal to an obedient , submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason . Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon , when I shall have told you , that the said Animal being once satiated ( if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied ) by that Aliment , which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man , all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end , laid and asswaged ; all its vehement and unruly Longings lulled , pacified and quieted ; and all the furious and raging Lusts , Appetites and Desires thereof appeased , suppressed , calmed and extinguished . For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you , if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds ; that is to say , such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that voracious Animal . Ods Fish ! ( quoth Panurge ) have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones ●ead to be Horny-graffed at home , whilst his Feet are plodding abroad ? Yes that I have , my gallant Friend , ( answered Rondibilis ) and that which is a Sovereign Remedy , whereof I frequently make use my self ; and that you may the better relish , it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author , whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years . Hearken and take good heed : You are ( quoth Panurge ) by Cocks-Hobby , a right honest Man , and I love you with all my heart ; eat a little of this Quince-Pye , it is very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach , because of a kind of astringent Stypticity , which is in that sort of Fruit , and is helpful to the first Concoction . But what ? I think I speak Latin before Clerks . Stay , fill , I give you somewhat to drink out of this Nestorian Goblet . Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras ? Be not afraid of the Squinzy , No : There is neither Squinant , Ginger nor Grains in it ; only a little choice Cinnamon , and some of the best refined Sugar , with the delicious White-wine of the Growth of that Vine , which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple , above the Wallnut-tree .

CHAP. XXXIII . Rondibilis the Physician 's Cure of Cuckoldry .

AT that time ( quoth Randibilis ) when Iupitur took a view of the state of his Olympick House and Family , and that he had made the Calender of all the Gods and Goddesses , appointing unto the Festival of every one of them its proper day and season , establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of Oracles , and relief of travelling Pilgrims , and ordaining Victims , Immolations and Sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the Dignity and Nature of the worshipped and adored Deity . Did not he do ( asked Panurge ) therein , as Tintouille the Bishop of Auxerre is said once to have done ? This Noble Prelate loved entirely the pure Liquor of the Grape , as every honest and judicious Man doth ; therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the Bud of the Vine-tree , as to the great Grandfather of Bacchus . But so it is , that for sundry Years together he saw a most pitiful Havock , Desolation and Destruction made amongst the Sprouts , Shootings , Buds , Blossoms and Sciens of the Vines by hoary Frosts , Dank-fogs , hot Mists , unseasonable Colds , chill Blasts , thick Hail , and other calamitous Chances of foul Weather happening , as he thought , by the dismal inauspiciousness of the Holy Days of St George , St. Mary , St. Paul , St. Eutrope , Holy Rood , the Ascension , and o●her Festivals , in that time when the Sun passeth under the Sign of Taurus ; and thereupon harboured in his Mind this Opinion , that the afore-named Saints were Saint Hail-flingers , Saint Frost-senders , Saint Fogmongers , and Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds ; for which cause be went about to have transmitted their Feasts from the Spring to the Winter , to be Celebrated between Christmas and Epiphany , ( so the Mother of the three Kings called it ) allowing them with all Honour and Reverence the liberty then to freeze , hail and rain as much as they would ; for that he knew that at such a time Frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the Vine-buds , and in their steads to have placed the Festivals of St. Christopher , St. Iohn the Baptist , St. Magdalene , St. Ann , St. Domingo , and St. Lawrence ; yea , and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of August in , and to the beginning of May ; because during the whole Space of their Solemnity , there was so little danger of hoary Frosts and cold Mists , that no Artificers are then held in greater Request , than the Afforder of refrigerating Inventions , Makers of Junkets , fit Disposers of cooling Shades , Composers of green Arbours , and Refreshers of Wine .

Iupiter ( said Rondibilis ) forgot the poor Devil Cuckoldry , who was then in the Court at Paris , very eagerly solliciting a pedling Suit at Law for one of his Vassals and Tenants ; within some few days thereafter , ( I have forgot how many ) when he got full notice of the Trick , which in his Absence was done unto him , he instantly desisted from prosecuting Legal Processes , in the behalf of others , full of Sollicitude to pursue after his own business , lest he should be fore-closed : And thereupon he appeared personally at the Tribunal of the great Iupiter , displayed before him the importance of his preceeding Merits ; together with the acceptable Services , which in Obedience to his Commandments he had formerly performed ; and therefore , in all humility , begged of him , that he would be pleased not to leave him alone amongst all the Sacred Potentates , destitute and void of Honour , Reverence , Sacrifices and festival Ceremonies . To this Petition Iupiter's Answer was excusatory , That all the Places and Offices of his House were bestowed . Nevertheless so importuned was he by the continual Supplications of Monsieur Cuckoldry , that he , in fine , placed him in the Rank , List , Roll , Rubrick and Catalogue ; and appointed Honours , Sacrifices and Festival Rites to be observed on Earth in great Devotion , and tendred to him with Solemnity .

The Feast , because there was no void , empty nor vacant place in all the Calender , was to be celebrated jointly with , and on the same day that had been consecrated to the Goddess Iealousie : His Power and Dominion should be over Married Folks , especially such as had handsom Wives : His Sacrifices were to be Suspicion , Diffidence , Mistrust , a lowring powting Sullenness , Watchings , Wardings , Researchings , Plyings , Explorations , together with the Way-layings , Ambushes , narrow Observations , and malicious Doggings of the Husband's Scouts and Espials of the most privy Actions of their Wives . Herewithal every married Man was expresly and rigorously commanded to reverence , honour and worship him ; to celebrate and solemnize his Festival with twice more respect than that of another Saint or Deity , and to immolate unto him with all Sincerity and Alacrity of Heart the above-mentioned Sacrifices and Oblations , under pain of severe Censures , Threatnings , and Comminations of these subsequent Fines , Mulcts , Amerciaments , Penalties and Punishments to be inflicted on the Delinquents ; that Monsieur Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor propitious to them ; that he should never help , aid , supply , succour nor grant them any subventitious Furtherance , auxiliary Suffrage , or adminiculary Assistance ; that he should never hold in any Reckoning Account or Estimation ; that he should never daign to enter within their Houses , neither at the Doors , Windows , nor any other place thereof ; that he should never haunt nor frequent their Companies or Conversations ; how frequently soever they should invocate him , and call upon his Name ; and that not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their Wives in a sempiternal Solitariness , without the benefit of the diversion of any Copesmate or Corrival at all ; but should withal shun and eschew them , fly from them , and eternally forsake and reject them as impious Hereticks and Sacrilegious Persons , according to the accustom'd manner of other Gods , towards such as are too slack in offering up the Duties and Reverences which ought to be performed respectively to their Divinities : As is evidently apparent in Bacchus towards negligent Vine-dressers ; in Ceres against idle Plow-men and Tillers of the Ground ; in Pomona to unworthy Fruiterers and Custard-mongers ; in Neptune towards dissolute Mariners and Sea-faring Men ; in Vulcan towards loytering Smiths and Forge-men ; and so throughout the rest .

Now , on the contrary , this infallible Promise was added , that unto all those who should make a Holy Day of the above-recited Festival , and cease from all manner of worldly Work and Negotiation , lay aside all their own most important occasions , and to be so wretchless , heedless , and careless of what might concern the management of their proper Affairs , as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into the secret Deportments of their Wives , and how to koop , shut up , hold at under , and deal cruelly and austeerly with them , by all the Harshness and Hardships that an implacable , and every way inexorable Jealousie can devise and suggest , conform to the Sacred Ordinances of the afore-mentioned Sacrifices and Oblations , he should be continually favourable to them , should love them , sociably converse with them , should be Day and Night in their Houses , and never leave them destitute of his Presence . Now I have said , and you have heard my Cure .

Ha , ha , ha , ( quoth Capalin laughing ) this is a remedy yet more apt and proper than Hans Carvel's Ring : The Devil take me if I do not believe it . The Humour , Inclination and Nature of Women is like the Thunder , whose Force in its Bolt , or otherways , burneth , bruiseth and breaketh only hard , massive and resisting Objects , without staying or stopping at soft , empty and yielding matters : For it pasheth into pieces the Steel Sword , without doing any hurt to the Velvet Scabbard which insheatheth it : It rusheth also , and consumeth the Bones , without wounding or end●mmaging the Flesh , wherewith they are vailed and covered : Just so it is , that Women for the greater part never bend the Contention , Subtilty , and contradictory Disposition of their Spirits , unless it be to do what is prohibited and forbidden .

Verily , ( quoth Hippothadee ) some of of our Doctors averr for a truth , that the first Woman of the World , whom the Hebrews call Eve , had hardly been induced or allured into the Temptation of eating of the Fruit of the Tree of Life , if it had not been forbidden her so to do . And that you may give the more Credit to the Validity of this Opinion , consider how the cautelous and wily Tempter did commemorate unto her , for an antecedent to his Enthymeme , the Prohibition which was made to taste it , as being desirous to infer from thence , It it forbidden thee ; therefore thou shouldst eat of it , else thou canst not be a Woman .

CHAP. XXXIV . How Women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited .

WHEN I was ( quoth Carpalin ) a Whoremaster at Orleans , the whole Art of Rhetorick in all its Tropes and Figures , was not able to afford unto me a Colour or Flourish of greater force and value ; nor could I by any other form or manner of Elocution pitch upon a more perswasive Argument for bringing young beautiful married Ladies into the Snares of Adultery , through alluring and inticing them to tast with me of Amorous Delights , then with a lively Sprightfulness to tell them in down-right terms , and to remonstrate to them , ( with a great shew of Detestation of a Crime so horrid ) how their Husbands were jealous . This was none of my Invention : It is written , and we have Laws , Examples , Reasons and daily Experiences confirmative of the same . If this Belief once enter into their Noddles , their Husbands will infallibly be Cuckolds ; yea , by God , will they , ( without swearing ) although they should do like Semiramis , Pasiphae , Egesta , the Women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt , and other such like Queanish flurting Harlots , mentioned in the Writings of Herodotus , Strabo , and such like Puppies .

Truly ( quoth Panocrates ) I have heard it related , and it hath been told me for a Verity , that Pope Ihon 22. passing on a day through the Abby of Toucherome , was in all Humility required and besought by the Abbess , and other discreet Mothers of the said Convent , to grant them an Indulgence , by means whereof they might confess themselves to one another , alledging , That Religious Women were subject to some petty secret Slips and Imperfections , which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal to Men , how Sacerdotal soever their Function were : but that they would freelier , more familiarly , and with greater chearfulness , open to each other their Offences , Faults , and Escapes , under the Seal of Confession . There is not any thing ( answered the Pope ) fitting for you to impetrate of me , which I would not most willingly condescend unto : but I find one inconvenience ; you know , Confession should be kept secret : and Women are not able to do so . Exceeding well ( quoth they ) most Holy Father , and much more closely then the best of Men.

The said Pope on the very same day , gave them in keeping a pretty Box , wherein he purposely caused a little Linnet to be put , willing them very gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place ; and promising them , by the Faith of a Pope , that he should yield to their Request , if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited Box : enjoyning them withal , not to presume one way nor other , directly or indirectly , to go about the opening thereof , under pain of the highest Ecclesiastical Censure , Eternal Excommunication . The Prohibition was no sooner made , but that they did all of them boyl with a most ardent desire to know , and see what kind of thing it was that was within it : they thought long already , that the Pope was not gone , to the end they might joyntly , with the more leisure and ease apply themselves to the Box-opening Curiosity .

The Holy Father , after he had given them his Benediction , retired and withdrew himself to the Pontifical Lodgings of his own Palace ; but he was hardly gone three Steps from without the Gates of their Cloyster , when the good Ladies throngingly , and as in a hudled Crowd , pressing hard on the Backs of one another , ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the setting open of the forbidden Box , and descrying of the Quod latitat within .

On the very next day thereafter , the Pope made them another Visit , of a full design , purpose , and intention ( as they imagined ) to dispatch the Grant of their sought and wished-for Indulgence : but before he would enter into any Chat or Communing with them , he commanded the Casket to be brought unto him : it was done so accordingly ; but by your leave , the Bird was no more there . Then was it , that the Pope did represent to their Maternities , how hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep Secrets revealed to them in Confession , unmanifested to the Ears of others ; seeing for the space of Four and twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a Box , which he had highly recommended to their Discretion , Charge and Custody .

Welcome , in good Faith , my dear Master , welcome : It did me good to hear you talk , the Lord be praised for all . I do not remember to have seen you before now , since the last tim● that you acted at Monpelliers , with our ancient Friends , Anthony Saporra , Guy Bourguyer , Balthasar Noyer , Tolly , Ihon Quentin , Francis Robinet , Ihon Perdrier , and Francis Rabelais , the Moral Comedy of him who had espoused and married a Dumb Wife . I was there , quoth Epistemon , the good honest Man , her Husband , was very earnestly urgent to have the Fillet of her Tongue untied , and would needs have her speak by any means : at his desire , some pains were taken on her , and partly by the industry of the Physitian , other part by the expertness of the Surgeon , the Encyliglotte , which she had under her Tongue , being cut , she spoke and spoke again ; yea , within few hours she spoke so loud , so much , so fiercely , and so long , that her poor Husband returned to the same Physitian for a Recipe to make her hold her Peace : There are ( quoth the Physician ) many proper Remedies in our Art , to make dumb Women speak , but there are none , that ever I could learn therein , to make them silent . The only Cure which I have found out , is their Husband's Deafness . The Wretch became within few Weeks thereafter , by Vertue of some Drugs , Charms or Enchantments , which the Physician had prescribed unto him , so deaf , that he could not have heard the Thundring of Nineteen hundred Canons at a Salve . His Wife perceiving , that indeed he was as deaf as a Door-nail , and that her Scolding was but in vain , sith that he heard her not , she grew stark mad .

Some time after , the Doctor asked for his Fee of the Husband ; who answered , That truly he was deaf , and so was not able to understand what the tenure of his Demand might be . Whereupon the Leech bedusted him with a little , I know not what , sort of Powder ; which rendred him a Fool immediately : so great was the stultificating Vertue of that strange kind of pulverized Dose . Then did this Fool of a Husband , and his mad Wife joyn together , falling on the Doctor and the Surgeon , did so scratch , bethwack , and bang them , that they were left half dead upon the place , so furious were the Blows which they received : I never in my Life-time laughed so much , as at the acting of that Buffoonry .

Let us come to where we left off , quoth Panurge ) your Words ▪ being translated from the Clapper-dudgions to plain English , do signifie , that it is not very inexpedient that I marry , and that I should not care for being a Cuckold . You have there hit the Nail on the Head . I believe , Master Doctor , that on the Day of my Marriage you will be so much taken up with your Patients , or otherways so seriously employed , that we shall not enjoy your Company : Sir , I will heartily excuse your absence .

Stercus & urina medici sunt prandia prima . Ex aliis paleas ex ist is collige grana .

You are mistaken ( quoth Rondibilis ) in the Second Verse of our Distich ; for it ought to run thus : Nobis sunt signa vobis sunt prandia digna .

If my Wife at any time prove to be unwell , and ill at ease , I will look upon the Water which she shall have made in an Urinal-glass , ( quoth Rondibilis ) grope her Pulse , and see the disposition of her Hypogaster , together with her Umbilicary Parts . According to the Prescript Rule of Hippocrates , 2. Aph. 35. before I proceed any further in the Cure of her Distemper . No , no , ( quoth Panurge ) that will be but to little purpose ; such a Feat is for the Practice of us that are Lawyers , who have the Rubrick , De Ventre inspiciendo : Do not therefore trouble your self about it , ( Master Doctor ) I will provide for her a Plaister of warm Guts . Do not neglect your more urgent occasions other-where , for coming to my Wedding , I will send you some supply of Victuals to your own House , without putting you to the trouble of coming abroad , and you shall always be my special Friend . With this approaching somewhat nearer to him , he clapp'd into his Hand , without the speaking of so much as one word , four Rose Nobles . Rondibilis did shut his Fist upon them right kindly ; yet as if it had displeased him to make acceptance of such Golden Presents ; he in a start , as if he had been wroth , said , He , he ▪ he , he he , th●●e was no need of any thing , I 〈…〉 nevertheless ; From wicked Folks , I never get enough ; and I from honest People refuse nothing . I shall be always , Sir , at your Command . Provided that I pay you well , quoth Panurge . That ( quoth Rondibilis ) is understood .

CHAP. XXXV . How the Philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of Marriage .

AS this Discourse was ended , Pantagruel said to the Philosopher Trouillogan , Our loyal , honest , true and trusty Friend , the Lamp from hand to hand is come to you ; it falleth to your turn to give an Answer , Should Panurge , pray you , marry , yea or no ? He should do both , quoth Trouillogan . What say you , asked Panurge ? That which you have heard , answered Trouillogan . What have I heard ? replied Panurge . That which I have said , replied Trouillogan . Ha , ha , ha , are we come to that pass , quoth Panurge ? Let it go nevertheless , I do not value it at a rush , seeing we can make no better of the Game . But howsoever tell me , Should I marry or no ? Neither the one nor the other , answered Trouillogan . The Devil take me , quoth Panurge , if these odd Answers do not make me dote , and may be snatch me presently away , if I do understand you . Stay awhile until I fasten these Spectacles of mine on this left Ear , that I may hear you better . With this Pantagruel perceived at the Door of the great Hall , ( which was that day their Dining Room ) Gargantua's little Dog , whose Name was Kyne ; for so was Toby's Dog called , as is Recorded . Then did he say to these who were there present , Our King is not far off , let us all rise . That word was scarcely sooner uttered , than that Gargantua with his Ro●al Presence graced that banqueting and stately Hall . Each of their Guests arose to do their King that Reverence and Duty which became them . After that Gargantua had most affably saluted all the Gentlemen there present , he said , Good Friends , I beg this Favour of you , and therein you will very much oblige me , that you leave not the places where you sate , nor quit the Discourse you were upon .

Let a Chair be brought hither unto this end of the Table , and reach me a Cup full of the strongest and best Wine you have , that I may drink to all the Company . You are in Faith , all welcom , Gentlemen . Now let me know what Talk you were about . To this Pantagruel answered , That at the beginning of the Second Service Panurge had proposed a Problematick Theme , to wit , Whether he should marry , or not marry ? That Father Hippothadee , and Doctor Rondibilis had already dispatched their Resolutions thereupon ; and that just as his Majesty was coming in , the faithful Trouillogan , in the delivery of his Opinion , hath thus far proceeded , that when Panurge asked , whether he ought to marry , yea or no. At first he made this Answer , Both together . When this same Question was again propounded , his second Answer was , Not the one nor the other . Panurge exclaimeth , that those Answers are full of Repugnancies and Contradictions , protesting that he understands them not , nor what it is that can be meaned by them . If I be not mistaken , quoth Gargantua , I understand it very well : The Answer is not unlike to that which was once made by a Philosopher in ancient times , who being interrogated , if he had a Woman , whom they named him , to his Wife ; I have her , quoth he , but she hath not me ; possessing her , by her I am not possest . Such another Answer , quoth Pantagruel , was once made by a certain bouncing Wench of Sparta , who being asked , if at any time she had had to do with a Man ? No , ( quoth she ) but sometimes Men have to do with me . Well then ( quoth Rondibilis ) let it be a Neuter in Physick ; as when we say a body is Neuter , when it is neither sick nor healthful ; and a Mean in Philosophy ; that by an Abnegation of both Extreams , and this by the Participation of the one and of the other : Even as when luke-warm Water is said to be both hot and cold ; or rather , as when Time makes the Partition , and equally divides betwixt the two , a while in the one , another while , as long , in the other opposite extremity . The holy Apostle , ( quoth Hippothadee ) seemeth , as I conceive , to have more clearly explained this Point , when he said , Those that are married , let them be as if they were not married ; and those that have Wives , let them be as if they had no Wives at all . I thus interterpret ( quoth Pantagruel ) the having and not having of a Wife . To have a Wife , is to have the use of her in such a way as Nature hath ordained , which is for the Aid , Society and Solace of Man , and propagating of his Race : To have no Wife is not to be uxorious , play the Coward , and be lazy about her , and not for her sake to distain the Lustre of that Affection which Man owes to God ; or yet for her to leave those Offices and Duties which he owes unto his Country , unto his Friends and Kindred ; or for her to abandon and forsake his precious Studies , and other businesses of Account , to wait still on her Will , her Beck , and her Buttocks . If we be pleased in this Sense to take having and not having of a Wife , we shall indeed find no Repugnancy nor Contradiction in the Terms at all .

CHAP. XXXVI . A Continuation of the Answer of the Ephectick and Pyrronian Philosopher Trouillogan .

YOU speak wisely , quoth Panurge , if the Moon were green Cheese ; such a Tale once piss'd my Goose : I do not think but that I am let down into that dark Pit , in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid , according to the saying of Heraclitus . I see no whit at all , I hear nothing , understand as little , my Senses are altogether dull'd and blunted ; truly I do very shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted . I will now alter the former style of my Discourse , and talk to him in another Strain . Our trusty Friend , stir not , nor imburse any ; but let us vary the Chance , and speak without Disjunctives : I see already that these loose and ill-joined Members of an Eunuciation do vex , trouble and perplex you .

Now go on , in the Name of God , Should I marry ?

Trouillogan .

There is some likelyhood therein .

Panurge .

But if I do not marry ?

Trouil.

I see in that no Inconvenience .

Pan.

You do not ?

Trouil.

None , truly , if my Eyes deceive me not .

Pan.

Yea , but I find more than Five Hundred .

Trouil.

Reckon them .

Pan.

This is an Impropriety of Speech , I confess ; for I do no more thereby , but take a certain for an uncertain Number , and posit the determinate Term for what is indeterminate . When I say therefore Five Hundred , my meaning is , many .

Trouil.

I hear you .

Pan.

Is it possible for me to live without a Wife , in the Name of all the Subterranean Devils ?

Trouil.

Away with these filthy Beasts .

Pan.

Let it be then in the Name of God ; for my Salmigondinish People use to say , To lie alone without a Wife , is certainly a bruitish Life . And such a Life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her Lamentations .

Trouil.

At your Command ,

Pan.

By the Pody Cody , I have fished fair ; where are we now ? But will you tell me ? Shall I marry ?

Trouil.

Perhaps .

Pan.

Shall I thrive or speed well withall ?

Trouil.

According to the Encounter .

Pan.

But if in my Adventure I encounter aright , as I hope I will , shall I be fortunate ?

Trouil.

Enough .

Pan.

Let us turn the clean contrary way , and brush our former Words against the Wool ; what if I encounter ill ?

Trouil.

Then blame not me .

Pan.

But , of Courtesie , be pleased to give me some Advice : I heartily beseech you , what must I do ?

Trouil.

Even what thou wilt .

Pan.

Wishy , washy ; Trolly , trolly .

Trouil.

Do not Invocate the Name of any thing , I pray you .

Pan.

In the Name of God , let it be so : my Actions shall be regulated by the Rule and Square of your Counsel : What is it that you advise and counsel me to do ?

Trouil.

Nothing .

Pan.

Shall I marry ?

Trouil.

I have no hand in it .

Pan.

Then shall I not marry ?

Trouil.

I cannot help it .

Pan.

If I never marry , I shall never be a Cuckold ,

Trouil.

I thought so .

Pan.

But put the case that I be married .

Trouil.

Where shall we put it ?

Pan.

Admit it be so then , and take my meaning in that sence .

Trouil.

I am otherways employed .

Pan.

By the Death of a Hog , and Mother of a Toad , O Lord , if I durst hazard upon a little Fling at the swearing Game , though privily and under Thumb , it would lighten the Burthen of my Heart , and ease my Lights and Reins exceedingly ; a little Patience nevertheless is requisite . Well then , if I marry , I shall be a Cuckold .

Trouil.

One would say so .

Pan.

Yet if my Wife prove a vertuous , wise , discreet and chaste Woman , I shall never be Cuckolded .

Trouil.

I think you speak congruously .

Pan.

Hearken .

Trouil.

As much as you will .

Pan.

Will she be discreet and chaste ? This is the only Point I would be resolved in ?

Trouil.

I question it .

Pan.

You never saw her ?

Trouil.

Not that I know of .

Pan.

Why do you then doubt of that which you know not ?

Trouil.

For a Cause .

Pan.

And if you should know her .

Trouil.

Yet more .

Pan.

Page , my pretty little Darling , take here my Cap , I give it thee : Have a care you do not break the Spectacles that are in it ; go down to the lower Court : Swear there half an hour for me , and I shall in compensation of that Favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt . But who shall Cuckold me ?

Trouil.

Some body .

Pan.

By the Belly of the wooden Horse at Troy , Master Somebody , I shall bang , belam thee , and claw thee well for thy labour .

Trouil.

You say so .

Pan.

Nay , nay , that Nick in the dark Celler , who hath no White in his Eye , carry me quite away with him , if , in that case , whensoever I go abroad from the Palace of my Domestick Residence , I do not with as much Circumspection , as they use to ring Mares in our Country to keep them from being sallied by Stoned Horses , clap a Bergamasco Lock upon my Wife .

Trouillogan .

Talk better .

Panurge .

It is Bien chien chié chanté , well cacked , and cackled ; shitten , and sung in matter of Talk : Let us resolve on somewhat .

Trouillogan .

I do not gainsay it .

Panurge .

Have a little patience , seeing I cannot on this side draw any Blood of you . I will try , if with the Launcet of my Judgment , I be able to bleed you in another Vein . Are you married , or are you not ?

Trouillogan .

Neither the one nor the other , and both together .

Panurge .

O the good God help us ; by the Death of a Buffle-ox , I sweat with the toyl and travel that I am put to , and find my Digestion broke off , disturbed , and interrupted for all my Phrenes , Metaphrenes , and Diaphragmes , Back , Belly , Midrif , Muscles , Veins , and Sinews are held in a suspence , and for a while discharged from their proper Offices , to stretch forth their several Powers and Abilities , for Incornifistibulating , and laying up into the Hamper of my Understanding , your various Sayings and Answers .

Trouillogan .

I shall be no hinderer thereof .

Panurge .

Tush , for shame : our faithful Friend , speak , Are you married ?

Trouillogan .

I think so .

Panurge .

You were also married before you had this Wife .

Trouillogan .

It is possible .

Panurge .

Had you good Luck in your First Marriage ?

Trouillogan .

It is not impossible .

Panurge .

How thrive you with this Second Wife of yours ?

Trouillogan .

Even as it pleaseth my Fatal Destiny .

Panurge .

But what in good earnest ? tell me : Do you prosper well with her ?

Trouillogan ▪

It is likely

Panurge .

Come on , in the Name of God : I vow by the Burthen of Saint Christopher , that I had rather undertake the fetching of a Fart forth of the Belly of a dead Ass , then to draw out of you a positive and determinate Resolution : yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you , and get my Claws over you . Our trusty Friend , let us shame the Devil of Hell , and confess the verity : Were you ever a Cuckold ? I say , you who are here , and not that other you who playeth below in the Tennis-Court ?

Trouillogan .

No , if it was not predestinated .

Panurge .

By the Flesh , Blood , and Body , I swear , reswear , forswear , abjure , and renounce , he evades and avoids , shifts , and escapes me , and quite slips and winds himself out of my Gripes and Clutches .

At these words Gargantua arose , and said , Praised be the good God in all things , but especially for bringing the World into that heighth of Refinedness , beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted therewith , that now the Learnedst and most Prudent Philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entring in at the Porches and Frontispieces of the Schools of the Pyrronian , Aporetick , Sceptick , and Eph●ctick Sects : Blessed be the Holy Name of God , veritably , it is like henceforth to be found an Enterprize of much more easie undertaking , to catch Lyons by the Neck , Horses by the Main , Oxen by the Horns ▪ Bulls by the Muzzle , Wolves by the Tail , Goats by the Beard , and flying Birds by the Feet , then to intrap such Philosophers in their words . Farewel , my worthy , dear , and honest Friends .

When he had done thus speaking , he withdrew himself from the Company ; Pantagruel , and others with him would have followed and accompanied him , but he would not permit them so to do . No sooner was Gargantua departed out of the Banquetting-Hall , then that Pantagruel said to the invited Guests : Plato's Timee , at the Beginning always of a solemn Festival Convention , was wont to count those that were called thereto ; we on the contrary , shall at the Closure and End of this Treatment , reckon up our Number , One , Two , Three ; Where is the Fourth ? I miss my Friend Bridlegoose : Was not he sent for ? Epistemon answered , That he had been at his House to bid and invite him ; but could not meet with him : for that a Messenger from the Parliament of Mirlingois , in Mirlingues , was come from him , with a Writ of Summons , to cite and warn him personally to appear before the Reverend Senators of the High Court there , to vindicate and justifie himself at the Bar , of the Crime of Prevarication laid to his charge , and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain Decree , Judgment , or Sentence lately awarded , given and pronounced by him : and that therefore he had taken Horse , and departed in great hast from his own House ; to the end , that without peril or danger of falling into a default , or contumacy , he might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time .

I will ( quoth Pantagruel ) understand how that matter goeth ; it is now above Forty Years , that he hath been constantly the Judge of Fonsbeton : during which space of time , he hath given Four thousand Definitive Sentences : of Two thousand three hundred and nine whereof , although Appeal was made by the Parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferiour Judicatory , to the Supream Court of the Parliament of Mirlingois , in Mirlingues they were all of them nevertheless confirmed , ratified and approved of by an Order , Decree , and final Sentence of the said Sovereign Court , to the casting of the Appellants , and utter overthrow of the Suits wherein they had been foiled at Law , for ever and a day : that now in his Old Age he should be personally summoned ▪ who in all the foregoing time of his Life , hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the Discharge of the Office and Vocation he had been called unto ; it cannot assuredly be , that such a change hath happened without some notorious Misfortune and Disaster : I am resolved to help and assist him in Equity and Justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability . I know the Malice , Despight , and Wickedness of the World to be so much more now-a-days exaspered , increased , and aggravated by what it was not long since , that the best Cause that is , how just and equitable soever it be , standeth in great need to be succoured , aided and supported . Therefore presently , from this very instant forth , do I purpose , till I see the event and closure thereof , most heedfully to attend and wait upon it , for ●●ar of some under-hand tricky Surprizal , ●●●villing , Pettifoggery , or fallacious Qui●ks in Law , to his detriment , hurt , or disadvantage .

Then Dinner being done , and the Tables drawn and removed , when Pantagruel had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited Guests , for the Favour which he had enjoyed of their Company , he presented them with several rich and costly Gifts , such as Jewels , Rings set with precious Stones , Gold and Silver Vessels , with a great deal of other sort of Plate besides ; and lastly , taking of them all his Leave , retired himself into an inner Chamber .

CHAP. XXXVII . How Pantagruel perswaded Panurge to take Counsel of a Fool.

WHen Pantagruel had withdrawn himself , he by a little sloping Window in one of the Galleries , perceived Panurge in a Lobbey not far from thence , walking alone , with the Gesture , Carriage , and Garb of a fond Dotard , raving , wagging , and shaking his Hands , dandling , lolling , and nodding with his Head , like a Cow bellowing for her Calf ; and having then called him nearer , spoke unto him thus : You are at this present ( as I think ) not unlike to a Mouse intangled in a snare , who the more that she goeth about to rid and unwind herself out of the Gin wherein she is caught , by endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the Pitch whereto they stick , the foulier she is bewrayed with it , and the more strongly pestered therein ; even so is it with you : for the more that you labour , strive , and inforce your se●f to disincumber , incumber , and extricate your Thoughts out of the implicating Involutions and Fetterings of the grievous and lamentable Gins and Springs of Anguish and Perplexity ; the greater difficulty there is in the relieving of you , and you remain faster bound then ever : nor do I know or the removal of this Inconveniency , any Remedy but one .

Take heed ; I have often heard it said in a Vulgar Proverb , The Wise may be instructed by a Fool. Seeing the Answers and Responses of sage and judicious Men , have in no manner of way satisfied you , take Advice of some Fool ; and possibly by so doing , you may come to get that Councel which will be agreeable to your own Heart's desire and contentment . You know how by the Advice and Councel and Prediction of Fools , many Kings , Princes , States , and Commonwealths have been preserved , several Battels gained , and divers doubts of a most perplexed Intricacy resolved : I am not so diffident of your Memory , as to hold it needful to refresh it with a Quotation of Examples ; nor do I so far undervalue your Judgment , but that I think it will acquiesce in the Reason of this my subsequent Discourse .

As he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dextrous Management of his private Affairs , domestick Businesses , and those Adoes which are confined within the streight-lac'd compass of one Family : who is attentive , vigilant , and active in the oeconomick Rule of his own House ; whose frugal Spirit never strays from home ; who loseth no occasion , whereby he may purchase to himself more Riches , and build up new Heaps of Treasure on his former Wealth ; and who knows warily how to prevent the Inconveniencies of Poverty , is called a worldly Wise Man , though perhaps in the Second Judgment of the Intelligences which are above , he be esteemed a Fool. So on the contrary , is he most like ( even in the thoughts of all Coelestial Spirits ) to be not only sage , but to presage Events to come by Divine Inspiration , who laying quite aside those Cares which are conducible to his Body , or his Fortunes , and as it were departing from himself , rids all his Senses of Terrene Affections , and clears his Fancies of those plodding Studies , which harbour in the Minds of Thriving Men : all which Neglects of Sublunary Things are vulgarly imputed Folly .

After this manner , the Son of Picus , King of the Latins , that great Southsayer Faunus , was called Fatuus , by the witless Rabble of the common People . The like we dail● see practised amongst the Comick Players , whose Drammatick Rolls , in distribution of the Personages , appoint the acting of the Fool to him who is the wisest of the Troop . In approbation also of this fashion the Mathematicians allow the very same Horoscope to Princes , and to Sots . Whereof a right pregnant instance by them is given in the Nativities of Aeneas and Choraebus ; the latter of which two is by Euphorion said to have been a Fool : and yet had with the former the same Aspects , and heavenly Genethlick Influences .

I shall not , I suppose , swerve much from the purpose in hand , if I relate unto you , what Ihon Andrew said upon the Return of a Papal Writ , which was directed to the Mayor of Rochel ; and Burgesses after him by Panorm , upon the same Pontifical Canon ; Barbatia , on the Pandects , and recently by Iason , in his Councels , concerning Seyny Ihon the noted Fool of Paris , and Caillets fore-great Grandfather . The Case is this :

At Paris , in 〈◊〉 Roast-meat Cookery of the Petit 〈◊〉 , before the Cook-Shop of one 〈◊〉 Roast-meat Sellers of that Lane , a 〈◊〉 hungry Porter was eating his Bread , after he had by Parcels kept it a while above the Reek and Steam of a fat Goose on the Spit , turning at a great Fire , and found it so besmoaked with the Vapour , to be savoury ; which the Cook observing , took no notice , till after having ravined his Penny Loaf , whereof no Morsel had been unsmoakified , he was about discamping and going away ; but by your leave , as the Fellow thought to have departed thence shot-free , the Master-Cook laid hold upon him by the Gorget , demanded payment for the Smoak of his Roast-meat . The Porter answered , that he had sustained no loss at all ; that by what he had done there was no Diminution made of the Flesh , that he had taken nothing of his , and that therefore he was not indebted to him in any thing : As for the Smoak in question , that , although he had not been there , it would howsoever have been evaporated : besides that , before that time it had never been seen nor heard , that Roast-meat Smoak was sold upon the Streets of Paris . The Cook hereto replied , That he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for nought a Porter whom he had never seen before with the Smoak of his Roast-meat ; and thereupon swore , that if he would not forthwith content and satisfie him with present Payment for the Repast which he had thereby got , that he would take his crooked Staves from off his Back ; which instead of having Loads thereafter laid upon them , should serve for Fuel to his Kitchin Fires . Whilst he was going about so to do , and to have pulled them to him by one of the bottom Rungs , which he had caught in his Hand , the sturdy Porter got out of his Gripes , drew forth the knotty Cudgel , and stood to his own Defence . The Altercation waxed hot in Words , which moved the gaping Hoydons of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts to see what the issue would be of that babling Strife and Contention . In the interim of this Dispute , to very good purpose Seiny Ihon the Fool and Citizen of Paris , hapned to be there , whom the Cook perceiving , said to the Porter , Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seiny Ihon , the Decision of the Difference and Controversie which is betwixt us ? Yes , by the Blood of a Goose , answered the Porter , I am content . Seiny Ihon the Fool , finding that the Cook and Porter had compromised the Determination of their Variance and Debate to the Discretion of his Award and Arbitriment ; after that the Reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual fierceness of their brawling Jar had been to the full displayed and laid open before him , commanded the Porter to draw out of the Fab of his Belt a piece of Money , if he had it . Whereupon the Porter immediately without delay , in Reverence to the Authority of such a Judicious Umpire , put the tenth part of a Silver Phillip into his hand . This little Phillip Seiny Ihon took , then set it on his Left Shoulder , to try by feeling if it was of a sufficient weight ; after that , laying it on the palm of his hand he made it ring and tingle , to understand by the Ear if it was of a good Alloy in the Metal whereof it was composed : Thereafter he put it to the Ball or Apple of his Left Eye , to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and marked ; all which being done , in a profound Silence of the whole doltish People , who were there Spectators of this Pageantry , to the great Hope of the Cooks , and Despair of the Porters Prevalency in the Suit that was in agitation , he finally caused the Porter to make it sound several times upon the Stall of the Cooks Shop . Then with a Presidential Majesty holding his Bable ( Scepter-like ) in his Hand , muffling his Head with a Hood of Martern Skins , each side whereof had the resemblance of an Apes Face , sprucified up with Ears of pasted Paper , and having about his Neck a bucked Ruff , raised , furrowed , and ridged , with Ponting Sticks of the shape and fashion of small Organ Pipes ; he first with all the force of his Lungs Coughed two or three times , and then with an audible Voice pronounced this following Sentence , The Court declareth , that the Porter , who ate his Bread at the Smoak of the roast , hath civilly paid the Cook with the sound of his Money : And the said Court Ordaineth , that every one return to his own home , and attend his proper business , without Cost and Charges , and for a Cause . This Verdict , Award and Arbitriment of the Parisian Fool , did appear so equitable , yea , so admirable to the aforesaid Doctors , that they very much doubted , if the matter had been brought before the Sessions for Iustice of the said place , or that the Judges of the Rota at Rome had been Umpires therein ; or yet that the Areopagites themselves had been the Deciders thereof , if by any one part , or all of them together , it had been so judicially sententiated and awarded . Therefore advise if you will be counselled by a Fool.

CHAP. XXXVIII . How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge .

BY my Soul , quoth Panurge , that Overture pleaseth me exceedingly well ; I will therefore lay hold thereon , and embrace it . At the very motioning thereof my very Right Entral seemeth to be widened and enlarged , which was but just now hard bound , contracted and costive : but as we have hitherto made choice of the purest and most refined Cream of Wisdom and Sapience for our Counsel , so would I now have to preside and bear the prime Sway in our Consultation , as were a Fool in the supream degree . Triboulet ( quoth Pantagruel ) is compleatly foolish , as I conceive . Yes truly ( answered Panurge ) he is properly and totally a Fool , a Pantagruel . Panurge . Fatal f. Jovial f. Natural f. Mercurial f. Celectial f. Lunatick f. Erratick f. Ducal f. Excentrick f. Common f. Aetherial and Junonian f. Lordly f. Palatin f. Arctick f. Principal f. Heroick f. Pretorian f. Gemial f. Ellected f. Inconstant f. Courtly f. Earthly f. Primipilary f. Solacious and sporting f. Triumphant f. Vulgar f. Jocund and wanton f. Domestick f. Exemplary s. Pimpled f. Rare outlandish f. Freckled f. Satrapal f. Bell-tinging f. Civil f. Laughing and lecherous f. Popular f. Familiar f. Nimming and filching f. Notable f. Favourized f. Unpressed f. Latinized f. First broached f. Ordinary f. Augustal f. Transcendent f. Cesarine f. Rising f. Imperial f. Papal f. Royal f. Consistorian f. Patriarchal f. Conclavist f. Original f. Bullist f. Loyal f. Synodal f. Episcopal f. Doting and raving f. Doctoral f. Singular and surpassing f. Monachal f. Fiscal f. Special and excelling f. Extravagant f. Writhed f. Metaphysical f. Canonical f. Scatical f. Such another f. Predicamental and Catagorick f. Graduated f. Commensal f. Predicable and enunciatory f. Primolicentiated f. Trainbairing f. Decumane and Superlative f. Supererrogating f. Collateral f. Dutiful and officious f. Haunch and side f. Nestling , ninny and youngling f. Optical and perspective f. Flitting , giddy and unsteddy f. Algoristick f. Algebraical f. Brancher , novice and Cockney f. Cabalistical & Massoretical f. Hagard , cross and froward f. Talmudical f. Algamalized f. Gentle , mild and tractable f. Compendious f. Abbreviated f. Mail-coated f. Hyperbolical f. Pilfring and purloining f. Anatomastical f. Allegorical f. Tail-grown f. Tropological f. Gray-peckled f. Pleonasmical f. Micher pincrust f. Capital f. Heteroclit f. Hair brained f. Summist f. Cordial f. Abbridging f. Intimate f. Morrish f. Hepatick f. Leaden-sealed f. Cushotten and swilling f. Mandatory f. Compassionate f. Splenetick f. Titulary f. Windy f. Crooching , showking , ducking f. Ligitimate f. Azymathal f. Grim , stern , harsh , and wayward f. Almicautarized f. Proportioned f. Well-hung & timbred f. Chinnified f. Swollen and puffed up f. Ill-clawed , pounced and pawed f. Overcockrifed lid and lified f. Well-stoned f. Crabbed and unpleasing f. Corallery f. Eastern f. Winded and tainted f. Sublime f. Crimson f. Kitchin-haunting f. Ingrained f. Lofty and stately f. City f. Spitrack f. Basely acoutred f. Architrave f. Mast-headed f. Pedestal f. Modal f. Tetragonal f. Second notial f. Renowned f. Chearful and buxom f. Reumatick f. Flaunting and braggadochio f. Solemn f. Annual f. Egregious f. Festival f. Humorous and capricious f. Recreative f. Boorish and counterfeit f. Rude , gross and absurd f. Pleasant f. Large measured f. Priviledged f. Bable f. Rustical f. Down-right f. Proper and peculiar f. Broad-listed f. Downsical-bearing f. Ever ready f. Diapatonal f. Stale and over-worn f. Resolute f. Hieroglyphical f. Sawcy and swaggering f. Authentick f. Worty f. Full bulked f. Precious f. Gallant and vain-glorious f. Fanatick f. Fantastical f. Gorgeous and gawdy f. Symphatiok f. Panick f. Continual and intermitting f. Limbicked and distilled f. Rebasing & roundling f. Comportable f. Wretched & heartless f. Prototypal and precedenting f. Fooded f. Prating f. Thick and threefold f. Catechetick f. Cacodoxical f. Damasked f. Meridional f. Fearny f. Nocturnal f. Unleavened f. Occidental f. Barytonant f. Trifling f. Pink and spot-poudered f. Astrological and Figure-flinging f. Musket-proof f. Cenethliack & Horoscopal f. Pedantick f. Strouting f. Knavish f. Wood f. Idiot f. Greedy f. Blockish f. Senseless f. Beetle-headed f. Godderlich f. Crotesk f. Obstinate f. Impertinent f. Contradictory f. Quarrelsom f. Pedagogical f. Unmannerly f. Daft f. Captious and Sophistical f. Drunken f. Peevish f. Soritick f. Prodigal f. Catholoproton f. Rash f. Hoti and Diots f. Plodding f. Aplos and Catati f.

Pantagruel .

If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal Holiday , of old , was called the Feast of Fools ; I know not why me may not for the like cause institute in France the Tribouletick Festivals , to be Celebrated and Selemnized over all the Land .

Panurge .

If all Fools carried Cruppers .

Pantagruel .

If he were the God Fatuus , of whom we have already made mention , the Husband of the Goddess Fatua , his Father would be Good Day , and his Grand-mother Good Even .

Panurge .

If all Fools paced , albeit he be somewhat wry-legged , he would overlay at least a Fathom at every Rake . Let us go toward him without any further lingring or delay , we shall have no doubt some fine Resolution of him . I am ready to go , and long for the issue of our Progress impatiently . I must needs ( quoth Pantagruel ) according to my former Resolution of him , be present at Bridlegoose's Tryal : Nevertheless , whilst I shall be upon my Journey towards Mirelingues , which is on the other side of the River of Loire , I will dispatch Carpalin to bring along with him from Blois the Fool Triboulet . Then was Carpalin instantly sent away , and Pantagruel at the same time attended by his Domesticks , Panurge , Epistemon , Ponocrates , Friar Ihon , Gymnast , Rysotome , and others , marched forward on the the High Road to Marlingues .

CHAP. XXXIX . How Pantagruel was present at the Tryal of Iudge Bridlegoose , who decided Causes and Controversies in Law , by the Chance and Fortune of the Dice .

ON the Day following , precisely at the Hour appointed , Pantagruel came to Merlingues : At his Arrival the Presidents , Senators , and Counsellors prayed him to do them the Honour to enter in with them , to hear the Decision of all the Causes , Arguments , and Reasons , which Bridlegoose in his own Defence would produce , why he had pronounced a certain Sentence against the Subsidy-Assessor , Toucheronde ; which did not seem very equitable to that Centumviral Court . Pantagruel very willingly condescended to their desire , and accordingly entring in , found Bridlegoose sitting within the middle of the Inclosure of the said Court of Justice ; who immediately upon the coming of Pantrgruel , accompanied with the Senatorian Members of that worshipful Judicatory , arose , went to the Bar , had his Indictment read , and for all his Reasons , Defences , and Excuses , answered nothing else , but that he was become Old , and that his Sight of late was very much failed , and become dimner then it was wont to be ; instancing therewithal many Miseries and Calamities , which Old Age bringeth along with it , and are concomitant to wrinkled Elders ; which not , par Archi d' LXXVI . C . tanta : by reason of which Infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the Points and Blots of the Dice , as formerly he had been accustomed to do : whence it might very well have happened , said he , as old dim-sighted Isaac took Iacob for Esau , that I after the same manner , at the Decision of Causes and Controversies in Law , should have been mistaken in taking a Quatre for a Cinque , or Tre for a Deuce : This , I beseech your Worship ( quoth he ) to take into your serious Consideration , and to have the more favourable Opinion of my Uprightness , ( notwithstanding the Prevarication whereof I am accused , in the matter of Toucherondy's Sentence ) that at the time of that Decrees pronouncing , I only had made use of my small Dice ; and your Worships ( said he ) knew very well , how by the most Authentick Rules of the Law , it is provided , That the Imperfections of Nature should never be imputed unto any for Crimes and Transgressions ; as appeareth , F. de re Mil. L. qui cum uno F. de Reg. Iur. L. fere F. de aedit . edict . per totum , F. de term . Mo. L. Divus Adrianus , resolved by LU. RO. ML . Si Vero. F. Sol. Mat. And who would offer to do otherways , should not thereby accuse the Man , but Nature , and the All-seeing Providence of God , as is evident in L. Maximum Vitium C. de Liber praeter .

What kind of Dice ( quoth Trinquamelle , grand President of the said Court ) do you mean , my Friend Bridle-goose ? The Dice ( quoth Bridlegoose ) of Sentences at Law , Decrees , and peremptory Judgments , Alea Iudiciorum , whereof is written , Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. Ca. Sors L. nec emptio F. de contrahen . empt. L. quod debetur . F. de pecu , & ibi Bart. And which your Worships do as well as I , use , in this glorious Sovereign Court of yours : so do all other righteous Judges in their Decision of Processes , and Final Determination of Legal Differences , observing that which hath been said thereof , by D. Henri . Ferraudet . & not . Gl. MC . si de sort . il & L. sed cum ambo F. de rud. ubi Doc. Where mark , that Chance and Fortune , are good , honest , profitable and necessary for ending of , and putting a final closure to Dissensions and Debates in Suits at Law . The same hath more clearly been declared by Bal. Barto . & Alex. C. communia de L. Si duo . But how is it that you do these things ? ( asked Tirquemel . ) I very briefly ( quoth Bridlegoose ) shall answer you , according to the Doctrine and Instructions of L. ampliorem par in refutatoriis C. de Appell . Which is conform to what is said in Il. 1. L. 2. F. quod met . cau . gaudent . brevitate moderni . My Practice is therein the same with that of your other Worships , and as the Custom of the Judicatory requires , unto which our Law commandeth us to have regard , and by the Rule thereof still to direct and regulate our Actions and Procedures . Ut not . extra de consuet. C. ex literis , & ibi Iano : for having well and exactly seen , surveyed , overlooked , reviewed , recognised , read , and read over again , turned and tossed over , seriously perused and examined the Bills of Complaint , Accusations , Impeachments , Indictments , Warnings , Citations , Summonings , Comparitions , Appearances , Mandates , Commissions , Delegations , Instructions , Informations , Inquests , Preparatories , Productions , Evidences , Proofs , Allegations , Depositions , cross Speeches , Contradictions , Supplications , Requests , Petitions , Enquiries , Instruments of the Deposition of Witnesses , Rejoinders , Replies , Confirmations of former Assertions , Duplies , Triplies , Answers to Rejoinders , Writings , Deeds , Reproaches , disabling of Exceptions taken , Grievances , Salvation-Bills , Re-examination of Witnesses , Confronting of them together , Declarations , Denunciations , Libels , Certificates , Royal Missives , Letters of Appeal , Letters of Attorney , Instruments of Compulsion , Delinatories , Anticipatories , Evocations , Messages , Dimissions , Issues , Exceptions , dilatory Pleas , Demurs , Compositions , Injunctions , Reliefs , Reports , Returns , Confessions , Acknowledgments , Exploits , Executions , and other such-like Confects and Spiceries , both at the one and the other side , as a good Judge ought to do , conform to what hath been noted thereupon . Sper de ordinario . Paragr . 3. & Tit. de Offi. O. in Paragr. fin . & de prescriptis Praesent ▪ à Parag. 1. I posit on the end of a Table , in my Closet , all the Poaks and Bags of the Defendant , and then allow unto him the first hazard of the Dice ; according to the usual manner of your other Worships . And it is mentioned , L. Favorabiliores F. de Reg. Iur. & in d. cum sunt eo . Tit. Lib. 6. which saith , Quum sunt partium Iura obscura , reo potius favendum est quam actori . That being done , I thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same Table , the Bags and Sachels of the Plaintiff , ( as your other Worships are accustomed to do ) Visum Visu , just over-against one another : for , Opposi●a juxta se potest clarius elucescunt : ut not . in L. Parag. Videamus F. de his qui sunt sui vel alieni juris , & in L Munerum . Mixta F. de mun . & hon. Then do I likeways , and semblably throw the Dice for him , and forthwith livre him his chance . But ( quoth Trigamelle ) my Friend , how come you to know , understand , and resolve the obscurity of these various and seeming contrary Passages in Law , which are laid claim to by the Suitors , and pleading Parties ? Even just ( quoth Bridlegoose ) after the fashion of your other Worships : to wit , when there are many Bags on the one side , and on the other , I then use my little small Dice ( after the customary manner of your other Worships ) in obedience to the Law . Semper in stipulationibus F. de Reg. Iur. The Law verified , verifieth that , Eo tit . semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur : Canonized in C. in obscuris cod . Tit. Lib. 6. I have other large great Dice , fair , and goodly ones , which I employ in the fashion that your other Worships use to do , when the matter is more plain , clear , and liquid : that is to say , when there are fewer Bags . But when you have done all these fine things ( quoth Triquamel ) how do you , my Friend , award your Decrees , and pronounce Judgment ? Even as your other Worships ( answered Bridlegoose ) for I give out Sentence in his favour , unto whom hath befallen the best Chance by Dice ; Judiciary , Tribunian , Pretorial , what comes first : So our Laws command . F. qui pot . in Pig . L. Potior . L. Creditor . C. de Cons. L. 1. & de Reg. Iur on U. Qui prior est jure .

CHAP. XL. How Bridlegoose giveth Reasons , why he looked upon those Law-Actions which he decided by the Chance of the Dice .

YEa , but ( quoth Trinquamel ) my Friend , seeing it is by the Lot , Chance , and Throw of the Dice that you award your Judgments and Sentences , why do not you livre up these fair Throws and Chances the very same Day and Hour , without any further procrastination or delay , that the controverting Party-pleaders appear before you ? To what use can those Writings serve you , those Papers , and other Procedures contained in the Bags and Poaks of the Law-Suitors ? To the very same use ( quoth Bridle-goose ) that they serve your other Worships . They are behooful unto me , and serve my turn in three things very exquisite , requisite , and authentical . First , For Formality-sake , the omission whereof , that it maketh all whatever is done , to be of no force nor value , is excellently well proved , by Spec. tit . de inst. edi . & tit . de rescript . praesent . Besides , that it is not unknown to you , who have had many more Experiments thereof then I , how oftentimes in Judicial Proceedings , the Formalities utterly destroy the Materialities and Substances of the Causes and Matters agitated ; for Forma mutata , mutatur substantia F. ad exh . L. Iulianus F. ad . leg . Pals. si is qui Quadraginta . Et extra de deci . C. ad audientiam . Et de Cel. Miss. C. in quadam .

Secondly , They are useful and steadable to me , ( even as unto your other Worships ) in lieu of some other honest and healthful Exercise . The late Master Othoman Vadat , a prime Physician , as you would say , Cod. de Comit. & Archi. Lib. 12. hath frequently told me , That the lack and default of Bodily Exercise , is the chief , if not the sole and only cause of the little Health , and short Lives of all Officers of Justice , such as your Worships and I am . Which Observation was singularly well , before him , noted and remarked by Bartholus in Lib. 1. C. de Sent. quae pro eo quod : therefore is it , that the Practice of such-like Exercitations is appointed to be laid hold on by your other Worships , and consequently not to be denied unto me , who am of the same Profession : Quia accessurum naturam sequitur principalis , de Reg. Iur. L. 7. & L cum principalis , & L. nihil dolo F. eo tit . F. de fide juss . L. fide Iuss . & extra de Officio de L. Cap. 1. Let certain honest , and recreative Sports and Plays of Corporeal Exercises be allowed and approved of ; and so far , Ut omnes obed. in prius Coll. 7. & F. de praescript . ver L. gratuitatem & L. 1. Cod. de Spe. L. 11. Such also is the Opinion of D. Thom. in Secunda , Secundae Q. 168. Quoted in very good purpose , by D. at de Rosa ; who , Fuit magnus Practicus , and a solemn Doctor , as Barbaria attesteth in Principiis Consil. Wherefore the Reason is evidently and clearly deduced , and set down before us , in Gloss. in praemio F. par ne autem tertii . Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis . In very deed , one , in the Year a Thousand four hundred fourscore and sixth , having a Business concerning the Portion and Inheritance of a younger Brother , depending in the Court and Chamber of the Four High Treasurers of France , whereinto assoon as ever I got leave to enter by a Pecuniary Permission of the Usher thereof , as your other Worships know very well , that Pecunia obediant omnia ; and there says , Baldus , in L. Singularia . F. si cert . pet. & lol. in L. receptitia . Cod. de constit . pecuni . & card . in cler. 1. de Baptism . I found them all recreating and diverting themselves at the Play called Musse , either before or after Dinner ; to me , truly , it is a thing altogether indifferent , whether of the two it was , provided that Hic not . that the Game of the Musse is honest , healthful , ancient , and lawful : A Muscho inventore , de quo Cod. de perhaere L. si post motam : & Muscarii . Such as play and sport it at the Musse , are excusable in and by Law , Lib. 1. C. de excus . artific . lib. 10. And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet , one of the Players of that Game of Musse : there is nothing that I do better remember ; for he laughed heartily , when his Fellow-Members of the aforesaid Judicial Chamber , spoiled their Caps in swinging of his Shoulders ; he , nevertheless , did even then say unto them , that the banging and flapping of him to the wast , and havock of their Caps , should not at their return from the Palace to their own Houses , excuse them from their Wives : Part 1. extra de praesum . & ibi glos . Now resolutory loquendo , I should say , according to the stile and phrase of your other Worships , that there is no Exercise , Sport , Game , Play , nor Recreation in all this Palatine , Palacial , or Parliamentary World , more ariomatizing and fragrant , then to empty and void Bags and Purses : turn over Papers and Writings : quote Margins and Backs of Scrolls and Rolls ; fill Panniers , and take inspection of Causes : Ex Bart. & Ioan. de prad . in L. falsa de condit . & Demost. F.

Thirdly , I consider as your own Worships use to do , that Time ripeneth and bringeth all things to maturity , that by Time every thing cometh to be made manifest and patent , and that Time is the Father of Truth and Vertue . Gloss. in I. cod . de Servit . authent . de restit . & ea quae pa. & spe tit. de requis . cons. Therefore is it , that after the manner and fashion of your other Worships , I defer , protract , delay , prolong , intermit , surcease , pause , linger , suspend , prorogate , drive out , wyre-draw , and shift off the Time of giving a Definitive Sentence , to the end that the Suit or Process , being well vanned and winnowed , tost and canvassed to and fro ; narrowly , precisely , and nearly garbelled , sifted , searched and examined : and on all Hands exactly argued , disputed and debated , may , by success of Time come at last to its full ripeness and maturity : by means whereof , when the fatal hazard of the Dice ensueth thereupon , the Parties cast or condemned by the said Aleatory Chance , will with much greater patience , and more mildly and gently endure , and bear up the disastrous Load of their Misfortune , then if they had been sentenced at their first arrival unto the Court : as , Not. gl . F. de excus . tut . L. tria onera . Portatur leviter quod portas quisque libenter . On the other part , to pass a Decree or Sentence , when the action is raw , crude , green , unripe , and unprepared as at the beginning , a danger would ensue of a no less inconveniency , then that which the Physicians have been wont to say , befalleth to him in whom an Imposthume is pierced before it be ripe ; or unto any other whose Body is purged of a strong predominating Humor , before its digestion : for as it is written , In Authent . haec consist . in nos . de constit . princip. So is the same repeated , In gloss . in C. caeterum extr. quod medicamenta morbis exhibent . hoc jura negotiis . Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us , to gather and reap , eat and feed on Fruits when they are ripe , and not before . Instit. de re di paragr. is ad quem & F. de action . empt. L. Iulianus . To marry likeways our Daughters when they are ripe , and no sooner . F. de donation inter vir . & uxor . L. cum his status paragr. si quia sponsa & 21 q. C. sic ut dicit . gl .

Iam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis Virginitas .

And in a word , she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable Importance , but in a full maturity and ripeness . 23 q. 2 paragr. ult. & 23. de C. ultimo .

CHAP. XLI . How Bridlegoose relateth the History of the Reconcilers of Parties at variance in matters of Law .

I Remember to the same purpose ( quoth Bridlegoose , in continuing his Discourse ) that in the time when at Poictiers I was a Student of Law under Crocadium Iuris , there was at Smerva one Peter Dandin , a very honest Man , careful Labourer of the Ground , fine Singer in a Church-Desk , of good Repute and Credit , and older than the most aged of all your Worships ; who was wont to say , that he had seen the great and goodly Good Man the Council of Lateran , with his wide and broad brimmed Red Hat : As also , that he had beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction , his Wife , with her huge Rosary or Patenotrian Chapelet of Jeat-beads , hanging at a large Sky-coloured Ribbond . This honest Man compounded , attoned and agreed more Differencies , Controversies and Variances at Law than had been determined , voided and finished during his time in the whole Palace of Poictiers , in the Auditory of Montmorillon , and in the Town-house of the old Partenay . This amicable Disposition of his rendred him Venerable , and of great Estimation , Sway , Power and Authority throughout all the neighbouring places of Chauvinie , Nouaille , Vivonne , Mezeaux , Estables , and other bordering and circumjacent Towns , Villages , and Hamlets : All their Debates were pacified by him ; he put an end to their brabling Suits at Law , and wrangling Differences . By his Advice and Counsels were Accords and Reconcilements no less firmly made , than if the Verdict of a Soveraign Judge had been interposed therein , although , in very deed , he was no Judge at all , but a right honest Man , as you may well conceive . Arg. in L. si Anius F. de Iure jur . & de verbis obligatorii sit continuus .

There was not a Hog killed within three Parishes of him , whereof he had not some part of the Haslet and Puddings . He was almost every day invited either to a Marriage , Banket , Christning Feast , an uprising or Women-Churching Treatment , a Birth-day's Anniversary Solemnity , a merry Frollick Gossiping , or otherways to some delicious Entertainment in a Tavern , to make some Accord and Agreement between Persons at odds , and in debate with one another . Remark what I say ; for he never yet setled and compounded a Difference betwixt any two at variance , but he streight made the Parties agreed and pacified , to drink together , as a sure and infallible Token and Symbol of a perfect and compleatly well cemented Reconciliation , sign of a sound and sincere Amity and proper Mark of a new Joy and Gladness to follow thereupon . Ut Not. per F. de Peri & com . rei . ven. L. 1. He had a Son whose Name was Tenot Dandin , a lusty young sturdy frisking Royster , so help me God , who likewise ( in imitation of his Peace-making Father , would have undertaken and medled with the taking up of Variances , and deciding of Controversies betwixt disagreeing and contentious Parties , Pleaders as you know .

Saepe solet similis filius esse patri . Et sequitur levitèr filia matris iter .

Ut ait gloss . vi , quaest. I. C. siquis g. de cons. disc. v. C. 2. fin . & est . in t . per dict. cod . de impu . & aliis substit . L. vir . & L. Legitimae . F. de stat. hom. gloss . in L. quod si nolit . de adi L. quisquis C. ad leg . Iure Majest. excipio filius à moniali susceptos ex Monacho per gloss . in C. impudicas 27 quaestione . And such was his Confidence to have no worse Success than his Father , he assumed unto himself the Title of Law-strife-setler . He was likeways in these pacificatory Negotiations so active and vigilant ; for Vigilantibus Iura subveniunt ex L. pupillus F. quae in fraud . cred . & ibi . L. non enim & instit. m. proaem . That when he had smelt , heard , and fully understood ; ut F. si quando paufec . L. Agaso q. in verbo offecit , id est nasum ad culum posuit . That there was any where in the Country a debatable matter at Law , he would incontinently thrust in his Advice , and so forwardly intrude his Opinion in the business , that he made no Bones of making offer , and taking upon him to decide it , how difficult soever it might happen to be , to the full Contentment and Satisfaction of both Parties : It is written , Qui non laborat non manducat . And the said Gl. F. de damn . infect . L. si quamvis : And Currere plus que lae pas vetulam compellit egestas . Gloss. F. de lib. agnosco . L. si quis pro quo facit . L. si plures C. de Codd incert . But so huge great was his Misfortune in this his Undertaking , that he never composed any difference , how little soever you may imagine it might have been , but that instead of reconciling the Parties at odds , he did incense , irritate and exasperate them to a higher point of Dissention and Enmity than ever they were at before . Your Worships know I doubt not that , Sermo datur cunctis animi sapientia paucis .

Gl. F. de alien in mun . caus . fa. lib. 2. This administred unto the Tavern-keepers , Wine-drawers and Vintners of Smerva an occasion to say , that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much Reconciliation-Wine ( for so were they pleased to call the good Wine of Leguge ) as under his Father they had done in one half hours time . It hapned a little while thereafter , that he made a most heavy regret thereof to his Father , attributing the Causes of his bad Success in pacificatory Enterprizes to the Perversity , Stubbornness , froward , cross and backward Inclinations of the People of his time , roundly , boldly and irreverently upbraiding , that if but a score of Years before the World had been so wayward , obstinate , pervicacious , implacable , and out of all Square , Frame and Order as it was then , his Father had never attained to , and acquired the Honour and Title of Strife-appeaser , so irrefragably , inviolably and irrevocably as he hath done ; in doing whereof Tenot did heinously transgress against the Law which prohibiteth Children to reproach the Actions of their Parents . Per gl . & Barth . L. 3. par agr . si quis F. de cond. ob caus . & authent . de Nupt. par sed quod sancitum Col. 3. ment . To this the honest old Father answered thus : My Son Dandin , when Don oportet taketh place , this is the course which we must trace , Gl. C. de Appel . L. eos etiam : For the Road that you went upon was not the way to the Fullers Mill , nor in any part thereof was the Form to be found wherein the Hare did sit . Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of setling and composing Differences . Why ? Because thou takest them at the beginning , in the very Infancy and Bud as it were , when they are green , raw , and indigestible ; yet I know handsomly and seatly how to compose and settle them all . Why ? Because I take them at their Decadence , in their Weaning , and when they are pretty well digested . So saith Gl. dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus . L. non moritturus C. de contrahend . & comit . stip . Didst thou ever hear the vulgar Proverb , Happy is the Physician whose coming is desired at the declension of a Disease ? For the Sickness being come to a Crisis , is then upon the decreasing hand , and drawing towards an end , although the Physician should not repair thither for the Cure thereof ; whereby though Nature wholly do the Work , he bears away the Palm and Praise thereof . My Pleaders after the same manner , before I did interpose my Judgment in the reconciling of them , were waxing faint in their Contestations , their Altercation Heat was much abated , and in declining from their former Strife , they of themselves inclined to a firm Accommodation of their Differences ; because there wanted Fuel to that Fire of burning , Rancour and despightful Wrangling , whereof the lower sort of Lawyers were the Kindlers : That is to say , their Purses were emptied of Coin , they had not a Win in their Fab , nor Penny in their Bag , wherewith to sollicit and present their Actions .

Deficiente pecu deficit omne , nia .

There wanted then nothing but some Brother to supply the place of a Parunymph , Braul broker , Proxenete or Mediator , who acting his part dextrously , should be the first Broacher of the Motion of an Agreement , for saving both the one and the other Party from that hurtful and pernicious Shame , whereof he could not have avoided the Imputation , when it should have been said , that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a Reconcilement ; and that therefore his Cause not being good , and being sensible where his Shoe did pinch him , was willing to break the Ice , and make the greater haste to prepare the way for a Condescendment to an amicable and friendly Treaty . Then was it that I came in pudding time , ( Dandin my Son ) nor is the fat of Bacon more relishing to boiled Pease , than was my Verdict then agreeable to them : This was my Luck , my Profit and good Fortune . I tell thee , my Jolly Son Dandin , that by this Rule and Method I could settle a firm Peace , or at least clap up a Cessation of Arms and Truce for many years to come betwixt the Great King and the Venetian State ; the Emperor and the Cantons of Swisserland ; the English and the Scots ; and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians . Shall I go yet further : Yea , as I would have God to help me , betwixt the Turk and the Sophy , the Tartars and the Muscoviters . Remark well what I am to say unto thee , I would take them at that very instant nick of time , when both those of the one and the other side should be weary and tired of making War , when they had voided and emptied their own Cashes and Coffers of all Treasure and Coin , drained and exhausted the Purses and Bags of their Subjects , sold and morgaged their Domains and proper Inheritances , and totally wasted , spent and consumed the Munition , Furniture , Provision and Victuals that were necessary for the continuance of a Military Expedition . There I am sure , by God , or by his Mother , that would they , would they , in spight of all their Teeths , they should be forced to take a little Respit and Breathing time , to moderate the Fury and cruel Rage of their ambitious Aims . This is the Doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando .

Odero , si potero , si non invitus amabo .

CHAP. XLII . How Suits at Law are bred at first , and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth .

FOR this Cause ( quoth Bridlegoose ) going on in his Discourse , I temporise and apply my self to the Times , as your other Worships use to do , waiting patiently for the Maturity of the Process , full Growth and Perfection thereof in all its Members ; to wit , the Writings and the Bags . Arg. in L. fin . Major . C. commodus , & de cons. de 1. c. solemnitates , & ibi gl . A Suit in Law at its Production , Birth and first beginning , seemeth to me as unto your other Worships , shapeless , without Form or Fashion , incompleat , ugly and imperfect , even as a Bare , at his first coming into the World , hath neither Hands , Skin , Hair nor Head , but is meerly an inform , rude and ill-favoured peice and lump of Flesh ; and would remain still so , if his Dam out of the abundance of her Af●ection to her hopeful Cub , did not with much liking put his Members into that Figure and shape which Nature had provided for those of an Arctick and Ursinal kind . Ut Not. Doct. F. ad L. aliquia 2. in si . Just so when I see , as your other Worships do , Processes and Suits in Law at their first bringing forth , to be numberless , without shape , deformed and disfigured ; for that then they consist only of one or two Writings , or Copies of Instruments , through which Defect they appear unto me as to your other Worships , foul , loathsom , filthy and mis-shapen Beasts . But when there are Heaps of these Legiformal Papers packed , piled , laid up together , impoaked , insacheled , and put up in Bags , then is it that with a good reason we may term that Suit , to which , as pieces , parcels , parts , portions and members thereof , they do pertain and belong , well-formed and fashioned , big limmed , strong set , and in all and each of its Dimensions most compleatly membred : Because forma dat . esse . rei L. si is qui F. ad leg . falcid . in C. cum delicta extra de rescript . Barbaria consil. Lib. 2. And before him , Balsus in C. ult. extra decons . & L. Iulianus exhib . & F. ad L. quaesitum F. de leg ▪ 3. The manner is such as is set down in gl . p. quaest. 1 C. Paulus .

Debile principiam melior fortuna sequetur .

Like your other Worships , also the Sergeants , Catchpoles , Pursevants , Messengers , Summoners , Apparitors , Ushers , Door-keepers , Pettifoggers , Attorneys , Proctors , Commissioners , Justices of the Peace , Judge Delegates , Arbitrators , Overseers , Sequestrators , Advocates , Inquisitors , Jurors , Searchers , Examiners , Notaries , Tabellions , Scribes , Scriveners , Clerks , Pregnatories , Secondaries , and Expedanean Judges , de quibus tit . est L. 3. C. by sucking very much , and that exceeding forcibly , and licking at the Purses of the pleading Parties , they , to the Suits already begot and engendred , form , fashion and frame Head , Feet , Claws , Talons , Beaks , Bills , Teeth , Hands , Veins , Sinews , Arteries , Muscles , Humours , and so forth , through all the Simulary and Dissimilary Parts of the whole ; which Parts , Particles , Pendicles and Appurtenances , are the Law . poaks and Bags , Gl. de Cons. d. 3. C. accepisti qualis vestis erit , talia cornua gerit . Hic notandum est . That in this respect the Pleaders , Litigants and Law-Suiters are happier than the Officers , Ministers and Administrators of Justice : For beatus est dare quam accipere . F. Com. L. 3. extra de celcb ▪ Miss. cum Matthae & 24. Quaest. 1. Cap. Od. Gl. Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis . Thus becometh the Action or Process , by their care and industry , to be of a compleat and goodly bulk , well shaped , framed , formed , and fashioned according to the Canonical Gloss. Accipe , sume , cape , sunt verba placentia Papae . Which Speech hath been more clearly explained by Alb. de Res. in verbo Roma . Roma manus rodit , quas rodere non valet , odit . Dantes custodit , non dantes spernit , & odit . The Reason whereof is thought to be this : Ad praesens ova , cras pullis sunt meliora . Ut est Gl. in L. quum H.F. de Transact . Nor is this all , for the inconvenience of the contrary is set down in H. C. de Allu . L. F. Quum labor in damno est , crescit mortalis egestas . In confirmation whereof we find , that the true Etymology and Exposition of the word Process is Purchase , viz. of good store of Money to the Lawyers , and of many Poaks , id est , Prou-Sacks , to the Pleaders , upon which Subject we have most Coelestial Quips , Gybes , and Girds . Litigando jura crescunt , litigando jus acquiritur . Item Gl. in Cap. illud extrem . de praesumpt . & C. de prob . L. instram . L. non Epistolis L. non nudis .

Et si non prosunt singula , multa juvant .

Yea , but ( asked Trinquamelle ) how do you proceed , ( my Friend ) in Criminal Causes , the culpable and guilty Party being taken and seized upon , Flagrante Crimine ? Even as your other Worships use to do ( answered Bridlegoose ) : First , I permit the Plaintiff to depart from the Court , enjoyning him not to presume to return thither , till he preallably , should have taken a good sound and profound Sleep , which is to serve for the prime Entry and Introduction to the Legal carrying on of the Business . In the next place , a formal Report is to be made to me of his having slept . Thirdly , I issue forth a Warrant to convent him before me . Fourthly , He is to produce a sufficient and authentick Attestation , of his having thoroughly and entirely sleeped , conform to the Gloss. 22. Quest. 7. Si quis cum .

Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus .

Being thus far advanced in the Formality of the Process , I find that this Consopiating Act engendreth another Act , whence ariseth the articulating of a Member ; that again produceth a Third Act , fashionative of another Member ; which Third bringing forth a Fourth , Procreative of another Act : New Members in a no fewer Number are shapen and framed , one still breeding , and begetting another ( as Link after Link , the Coat of Mail at length is made ) till thus , Piece after Piece , by little and little , like Information upon Information , the Process be compleatly well formed , and perfect in all his Members . Finally , having proceeded this length , I have recourse to my Dice , nor is it to be thought , that this interruption , respit , or interpellation , is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me thereunto , and a notable Experience of a most convincing and irrefragable force .

I remember , on a time , that in the Camp at Stockholm , there was a certain Gascon named Gratianauld , Native of the Town of Saint Sever , who having lost all his Money at Play , and consecutively being very angry thereat , as you know , Pecunia est alius sanguis ut ait Anto. de Burtio , MC . accedens 2. extra ut lit . non contest & Bald. in L. si tuis C. de op. Lib. per not . & L. advocati . C. de advo . diu . Iud. pecunia est vita hominis & optimus fide jusser in necessitatibus : Did , at his coming forth of the Gaming-House , in the presence of the whole Company that was there , with a very loud Voice , speak in his own Language these following words : Pap. cap. de bious nillots que maux depipes rous tresire : aresque de pergudes sont les mires bingt , & quovatre bagnelles , ta pla donne rien pies cruz & Patacts , Scy de Gum de bons aulx , qui boille trequar ambe Iou à Belsambiz . Finding that none would make him any Answer , he passed from thence to that part of the Leaguer , where the huff , snuff , honder-sponder , swash-buckling High Germans were , to whom he renewed these very Terms , provoking them to fight with him ; but all the Return he had from them to his stout Challenge , was only , Der Gasconner that schich , usz . mitt . cim . iedem zeselage aberer ist genegrer au staclen darum liebem fram ve hend serg au inverm hausraut . Finding also , that none of that Band of Teutonick Soldiers offered himself to the Combat ; he passed to that Quarter of the Leaguer where the French Free-booting Adventures were encamped , and reiterating unto them , what he had before repeated to the Dutch Warriours , challenged them likewise to fight with him , and therewithal made some pretty little Gasconado frisking Gambols , to oblige them the more cheerfully and gallantly to cope with him in the Lists of a Duellizing Engagement ; but no Answer at all was made unto him . Whereupon the Gascon despairing of meeting with any Antagonists , departed from thence , and laying himself down , not far from the Pavilions of the grand Christian Cavalier , Crissie fell fast asleep . When he had throughly sleeped an hour or two , another adventurous and all-hazarding Blade of the Forlorn Hope of the lavishingly wasting Gamesters , having also lost all his Moneys , sallied forth with a Sword in his Hand , of a firm Resolution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon , seeing he had lost as well as he . Ploratur lachrym●s amissa pecunia veris. Saith the Gl. de poenitent . distinct . 2. C. sunt plures . To this effect having made enquiry and search for him throughout the whole Camp , and in sequel thereof found him asleep , he said unto him , Up , ho , good Fellow , in Name of all the Devils of Hell rise up , rise up , get up ; I have lost my Money as well as thou hast done , let us therefore go fight lustily together , grapple and scuffle it to some purpose : Thou may'st see that ; and look , my Tuck is no longer then thy Rapier . The Gascon altogether astonished at his unexpected provocation , without altering his former Dialect , spoke thus : Cap de Saint Arnault , qu'au segs tu qui me rebeillez ? Que mande taberne te gire : Ho Saint Siobe Cab. de Gascoigne tapla do my Iou , quand à quest ta quam me bringu estae . The ventrous Royster inviteth him again to the Duel ; but the Gascon , without condescending to his desire , said only this : Hepauvres Iet ' esquinerie ares que son plat reposat : vene impaur que te pansat comme Iou peusse truquete . Thus in forgetting his loss , he forgot the eagerness which he had to fight . In conclusion , after that the other had likeways sleeped a little , they instead of fighting , and possibly killing one another , went joyntly to a Sutler's Tent , where they drank together very amicably , each upon the pawn of his Sword . Thus by a little Sleep was pacified the ardent fury of two warlike Champions . There , Gossip , comes the Golden Word of Ihon Andr. in Cap. ult. de Sent. & rejudic . L. Sexto .

Sedendo , & dormiendo fit anima prudens .

CHAP. XLIII . How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose , in the matter of Sentencing Actions at Law , by the Chance of the Dice .

WIth this Bridlegoose held his peace . Whereupon Trinquamelle bid them withdraw from the Court ; which accordingly was done : and then directed his Discourse to Pantagruel , after this manner . It is fitting ( most illustrious Prince ) not only by reason of the deep Obligations , wherein this present Parliament , together with the whole Marquisate of Merlingues , stand bound to your Royal Highness , for the innumerable Benefits , which as effects of meer Grace , they have received from your Incomperable Bounty ; but for that excellent Wit also , prime Judgment , and admirable Learning wherewith Almighty God , the Giver of all Good Things , hath most richly qualified and endowed you , we tender and present unto you the Decision of this new , strange , and Paradoxical Case of Bridlegoose ; who in your presence , to your both hearing and seeing , hath plainly confessed his final judging and determinating of Suits of Law , by the meer Chance and Fortune of the Dice : therefore do we beseech you , that you may be pleased to give Sentence therein , as unto you shall seem most just and equitable . To this Pantagruel answered : Gentlemen , It is not unknown to you , how my Condition is somewhat remote from the Profession of deciding Law-Controversies ; yet seeing you are pleased to do me the Honour to put that Task upon me , instead of undergoing the Office of a Iudge , I will become your humble Supplicant : I observe , Gentlemen , in this Bridlegoose , several things , which induce me to represent before you , that it is my Opinion he should be pardoned . In the First place , his Old Age. Secondly , His Simplicity : To both which Qualities our Statute and Common Laws , Civil and Municipal together , allow many excuses for any slips or escapes , which through the invincible Imperfection of either , have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a Person so qualified . Thirdly , Gentlemen , I must needs display before you another Case , which in Equity and Justice maketh much for the advantage of Bridlegoose : to wit , that this one , sole , and single fault of his , ought to be quite forgotten , abolished , and swallowed up , by that immense and vast Ocean of Just Dooms and Sentences , which heretofore he hath given and pronounced : his Demeanours for these Forty Years and upwards , that he hath been a Judge , having been so evenly ballanced in the Scales of Uprightness , that Envy itself , till now , could not have been so impudent as to accuse and twit him with any Act worthy of a Check or Reprehension : As if a Drop of the Sea were thrown into the Loire , none could perceive , or say , that by this single Drop , the whole River should be salt and brackish .

Truly , it seemeth unto me , that in the whole Series of Bridlegoose's Juridical Decrees , there hath been , I know not what , of extraordinary savouring of the unspeakable Benignity of God , that all those his preceding Sentences , Awards , and Judgements , have been confirmed and approved of by your selves , in this your own Venerable and Sovereign Court : for it is usual ( as you know well ) with him whose ways are inscrutable , to manifest his own ineffable Glory , in blunting the perspicacy of the Eyes of the Wise , in weakning the Strength of potent Oppressors , in depressing the Pride of rich Extortioners , and in erecting , comforting , protecting , supporting , upholding , and shoaring up the poor , feeble , humble , silly , and foolish Ones of the Earth . But waving all these matters , I shall only beseech you , not by the Obligations which you pretend to owe to my Family , for which I thank you ; but for that constant and unfeigned Love and Affection which you have always found in me , both on this and on the other side of Loire , for the Maintenance and Establishment of your Places , Offices , and Dignities , that for this one time , you would pardon and forgive him , upon these two Conditions : First , That he satisfie , or put a sufficient Surety for the Satisfaction of the Party wronged by the Injustice of the Sentence in question : for the fulfilment of this Article , I will provide sufficiently . And Secondly , That for his subsidiary Aid in the weighty Charge of Administrating Justice , you would be pleased to appoint , and assign unto him some pretty , little , vertuous Counseller , younger , learneder , and wiser then he , by the Square and Rule of whose Advice he may regulate , guide , temper and moderate in times coming all his Judiciary Procedures , or otherways , if you intend totally to depose him from his Office , and to deprive him altogether of the State and Dignity of a Judge , I shall cordially intreat you to make a Present and free Gift of him to me , who shall find in my Kingdoms Charges and Employments enough wherewith to imbusie him , for the bettering of his own Fortunes , and furtherance of my Service . In the mean time , I implore the Creator , Saviour and Sanctifyer of all good things , in their Grace , Mercy and Kindness to preserve you all now and evermore , World without end .

These Words thus spoken , Pantagruel vayling his Cap , and making a Leg with such a Majestick Garb as became a Person of his paramount Degree and Eminency , farewell'd Trinquamelle the President , and Master Speaker of that Merlinguesian Parliament , took his leave of the whole Court , and went out of the Chamber ; at the Door whereof finding Panurge , Epistemon , Friar Ihon , and others , he forthwith attended by them , walked to the utter Gate , where all them immediately took Horse to return towards Gargantua . Pantagruel by the way related to them from point to point , the manner of Bridlegoose's sententiating Differences at Law . Friar Ihon said , that he had seen Peter Dandin , and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the Monastery of Fontaine le Conte , under the Noble Abbot Ardillon . Gymnast likeways affirmed , that he was in the Tent of the Grand Christian Cavallier de Cressie , when the Gascon , after his Sleep , made answer to the Adventurer . Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing , that it was morally possible . Bridlegoose should have been for such a long space of time so continually fortunate in that Aleatory way of deciding Law Debates . Epistemon said to Pantagruel , Such another Story , not much unlike to that , in all the Circumstances thereof , is vulgarly reported of the Provost of Montlehery . In good sooth , such a Perpetuity of good Luck is to be wondred at . To have hit right twice or thrice in a Judgment so given by Hap-hazard ▪ might have fallen out well enough , especially in Controversies that were ambiguous , intricate , abstruse , perplexed and obscure .

CHAP. XLIV . How Pantagruel relateth a strange History of the Perplexity of Humane Iudgment .

SEeing you talk ( quoth Pantagruel ) of dark , difficult , hard and knotty Debates , I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolobella , Proconsul in Asia . The Case was this .

A Wife in Smyrna had of her first Husband a Child named Abece ; he dying , she after the expiring of a Year and Day , married again , and to her Second Husband bore a Boy called Edege : A pretty long time thereafter it happened ( as you know the Affection of Step-fathers and Step-dams is very rare , towards the Children of the first Fathers and Mothers deceased ) that this Husband , with the help of his Son Edege , secretly , wittingly , willingly and treacherously murthered Abece . The Woman came no sooner to get Information of the Fact , that it might not go unpunished , she caused kill them both , to revenge the Death of her first Son . She was Apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolobella , in whose Presence , she , without dissembling any thing , confessed all that was laid to her Charge ; yet alledged that she had both Right and Reason on her side for the killing of them . Thus was the state of the Question . He found the business so dubious and intricate , that he knew not what to determin therein , nor which of the Parties to incline to . On the one hand , it was an execrable Crime to cut off at once both her Second Husband and her Son . On the other hand , the Cause of the Murther seemed to be so natural , as to be grounded upon the Law of Nations , and the rational Instinct of all the People of the World ; seeing they two together had feloniously and murtherously destroyed her first Son . Not that they had been in any manner of way ▪ wronged , outraged or injured by him , but out of an avaricious Intent to possess his Inheritance . In this doubtful Quandary and Uncertainty what to pitch upon , he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens , to learn and obtain their Advice and Judgment . That Judicious Senate very sagely perpending the Reasons of his Perplexity , sent him word , to summon her personally to compear before him , a precise Hundred Years thereafter ▪ to answer to some Interrogatories touching certain Points , which were not contained in the Verbal Defence : Which Resolution of theirs did import , that it was in their Opinion a so difficult and inextricable a matter , that they knew not what to say or judge therein . Who had decided that Plea by the Chance and Fortune of the Dice , could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he had past his casting and condemnatory Sentence : If against the Woman , she deserved Punishment for usurping Sovereign Authority , by taking that Vengeance at her own hand , the inflicting whereof was only competent to the Supream Power , to administer Justice in Criminal Cases : If for her , the just Resentment of a so atrocious Injury done unto her , in murthering her innocent Son , did fully excuse and vindicate her of any Trespass or Offence about that particular committed by her . But this continuation of Bridlegoose for so many years , still hitting the Nail on the Head , never missing the Mark , and always judging aright , by the meer throwing of the Dice , and the Chance thereof , is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me . To answer ( quoth Epistemon ) categorically to that which you wonder at , I must ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot ; yet conjecturally to guess at the reason of it , I would refer the Cause of that marvelously long continued happy Success in the Judiciary Results of his Definitive Sentences to the favourable Aspect of the Heavens , and Benignity of the Intelligences ; who , out of their love to Goodness , after having contemplated the pure Simplicity and sincere Unfeignedness of Judge Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his Inabilities , did regulate that for him by Chance , which by the profoundest Act of his maturest Deliberation he was not able to reach unto . That likeways which possibly made him to diffide in his own Skill and Capacity , notwithstanding his being an expert and understanding Lawyer , for any thing that I know to the contrary , was the Knowledge and Experience which he had of the Antenomies , Contrarieties , Antilogies , Contradictions , Traversings and Thwartings of Laws , Customs , Edicts , Statutes , Orders and Ordinances , in which dangerous Opposition , Equity and Justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite Terms , and a Gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of Injustice and Iniquity , through the various Interpretations of Self ended Lawyers , being assuredly perswaded that the Infernal Calumniator , who frequently transformeth himself into the likeness of a Messenger or Angel of Light , maketh use of these cross Glosses and Expositions in the Mouths and Pens of his Ministers and Servants , the perverse Advocates , bribing Judges , Law-monging Attorneys , prevaricating Counsellors , and other such like Law-wrestling Members of a Court of Justice , to turn by those means Black to White , Green to Grey , and what is Streight to a Crooked ply ; for the more expedient doing whereof these Diabolical Ministers make both the Pleading Parties believe that their Cause is just and righteous ; for it is well known that there is no Cause how bad soever , which doth not find an Advocate to patrocinate and defend it , else would there be no Process in the World , no Suits at Law , nor Pleadings at the Bar. He did in these Extremities , as I conceive , most humbly recommend the Direction of his Judicial Proceedings to the upright Judge of Judges , God Almighty ; did submit himself to the Conduct and Guideship of the blessed Spirit , in the Hazard and Perplexity of the Definitive Sentence ; and by this Aleatory Lot , did as it were implore and explore the Divine Decree of his Good Will and Pleasure , in stead of that which we call the Final Iudgment of a Court. To this effect , to the better attaining to his purpose , which was to judge righteously , he did in my Opinion throw and turn the Dice , to the end , that by the Providence aforesaid , the best Chance might fall to him whose Action was uprightest , and backed with greatest Reason ; in doing whereof he did not stray from the Sence of Talmudists , who say that there is so little harm in that manner of searching the Truth , that in the Anxiety and Perplexedness of Humane Wits , God oftentimes manifesteth the Secret Pleasure of his Divine Will.

Furthermore , I will neither think nor say , nor can I believe , that the unstreightness is so irregular , or the Corruption so evident , of those of the Parliament of Mirlingois in Mirlingues , before whom Bridlegoose was Arraigned for Prevarication , that they will maintain it to be a worse Practice to have the Decision of a Suit at Law referred to the Chance and Hazard of a Throw of the Dice , hab nab , or luck as it will , than to have it remitted to , and past by the Determination of those whose Hands are full of Blood , and Hearts of wry Affections . Besides that , their principal Direction in all Law-matters comes to their Hands from one Tribonian , a wicked , miscreant , barbarous , faithless and perfidious Knave , so pernicious , injust , avaricious and perverse in his ways , that it was his ordinary custom to sell Laws , Edicts , Declarations , Constitutions and Ordinances , as at an Outroop or Putsale , to him who offered most for them . Thus did he shape Measures for the Pleaders , and cut their Morsels to them by and out of these little Parcels , Fragments , Bits , Scantlings and Shreds of the Law now in use , altogether concealing , suppressing , disannulling and abolishing the remainder , which did make for the total Law ; fearing that if the whole Law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of such as are interessed in it , and the Learned Books of the Ancient Doctors of the Law , upon the Exposition of the Twelve Tables and Praetorian Edicts , his villanous Pranks , Naughtiness and vile Impiety should come to the publick notice of the World . Therefore were it better in my Conceit , that is to say , less inconvenient , that Parties at Variance in any Juridicial Case , should in the dark march upon Caltropes , then to submit the Determination of what is their Right to such unhallowed Sentences and horrible Decrees : As Cato in his time wished and advised , that every Judiciary Court should be paved with Caltropes .

CHAP. XLV . How Panurge taketh Advice of Triboulet .

ON the sixth Day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home , at the very same hour that Triboulet was by Water come from Blois . Panurge at his Arrival gave him a Hogs Bladder , puffed up with Wind , and resounding , because of the hard Pease that were within it : Moreover he did present him with a guilt Wooden Sword , a hollow Budget made of a Tortoise shell , an Osier Watled Wicker-Bottle full of Briton Wine , and Five and Twenty Apples of the Orchard of Blanduc● .

If he be such a Fool ( quoth Carpalin ) as to be won with Apples , there is no more Wit in his Pate than in the Head of an ordinary Cabbage . Triboulet girded the Sword and Scrip to his●side , took the Bladder in his Hand , ate some few of the Apples , and drunk up all the Wine Panurge very wistly and heedfully looking upon him , said , I never yet saw a Fool , ( and I have seen ten thousand Franks worth of that kind of Cattle ) who did not love to drink heartily , and by good long Draughts . When Triboulet had done with his Drinking , Panurge laid out before him , and exposed the Sum of the business , wherein he was to require his Advice in eloquent and choicely-sorted Terms , adorned with Flourishes of Rhetorick . But before he had altogether done , Triboulet with his Fist gave him a bouncing Whirret between the Shoulders , rendred back into his Hand again the empty Bottle , filipped and flirted him on the Nose with the Hogs Bladder ; and lastly , for a final resolution , shaking and wagging his Head strongly and disorderly , he answered nothing else but this , By God , God ; mad Fool , beware the Monk : Buzansay , Hornepipe . These Words thus finished , he slipped himself out of the Company , went aside , and ratling the Bladder , took a huge Delight in the Melody of the rickling , crackling noise of the Pease ; after which time it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his Chaps the Articulate Sound of one Syllable ; insomuch that when Panurge went about to interrogate him further , Triboulet drew his Wooden Sword , and would have stuck him therewith . I have fished fair now , ( quoth Panurge ) and brought my Pigs to a fine Market . Have I not got a brave Determination of all my Doubts , and a Responce in all things agreeable to the Oracle that gave it ? He is a great Fool that is not to be denied ; yet is he a greater Fool who brought him hither to me . That Bolt , quoth Carpalin , levels point blank at me ; but of the three I am the greatest Fool , who did impart the Secret of my Thoughts to such an Idiot Ass and Native Ninny .

Without putting our selves to any stir or trouble in the least , ( quoth Pantagruel ) let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the Gestures and Speech which he hath made and uttered : In them veritably ( quoth he ) have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable Mysteries ; yea , of such important and worth and weight , that I shall never henceforth be astonished , nor think strange , why the Turks with a great deal of Worship and Reverence , Honour and Respect Natural Fools , equally with their Primest Doctors , Mufties , Divines and Prophets . Did not you take heed ( quoth he ) a little before he opened his Mouth to speak , what a shogging ▪ shaking and wagging his Head did keep ? By the approved Doctrine of the ancient Philosophers , the customary Ceremonies of the most expert Magicians , and the received Opinions of the learnedest Lawyers , such a brangling Agitation and Moving should by us all be judged to proceed from , and be quickned and suscitated by the coming and Inspiration of the Prophetizing and Fatielical Spirit , which entring briskly , and on a sudden , into a shallow Receptacle of a debil Substance ( for as you know , and as the Proverb shews it , a little Head containeth not much Brains ) was the cause of that Commotion . This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful Physicians , when they affirm , that Shakings and Tremblings fall upon the Members of a Humane Body , partly because of the Heaviness and violent Impetuosity of the Burthen and Load that is carried , and other part , by reason of the Weakness and Imbecillity that is in the vertue of the bearing Organ : A manifest Example whereof appeareth in those , who fasting , are not able to carry to their Head a great Goblet full of Wine without a trembling and a shaking in the Hand that holds it . This of old was accounted a Prefiguration and mystical pointing out of the Pythian Divineress , who used always before the uttering of a Responce from the Oracle , to shake a Branch of her Domestick Lawrel . Lampridius also testifieth , that the Emperor Heliogabulus , to acquire unto himself the Reputation of a Sooth-sayer , did , on several Holy Days of prime Solemnity , in the Presence of the Fanatick Rabble , make the Head of his Idol , by some slight within the Body thereof , publickly to shake . Plautus , in his Asserie , declareth likeways , that Saurius , whithersoever he walked like one quite distracted of his Wits , keepeth such a furious lolling and mad-like shaking of his Head , that he commonly affrighted those who casually met with him in his Way . The said Author in another place shewing a Reason why Charmides shook and brangled his Head , assevered that he was transported , and in an Extasie . Catullus after the same manner maketh mention in his Berecynthia and Atys , of the place wherein the Menades , Bacchical Women , She Priests of the Lyaean God , and demented Prophetesses , carrying Ivy Boughs in their hands , did shake their Heads . As in the like case amongst the Gauls , the guelded Priests of Cybele were wont to do in the celebrating of some Festivals , which according to the sense of the ancient Theologues , have from thence had their Denomination ; for 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 signifieth to turn round , whirl about , shake the Head , and play the part of one that is wry-necked .

Semblably Titus Livius writeth , that in the Solemnization time of the Bacchanalian Fobedayes at Rome , both Men and Women seemed to Prophetize and Vaticinate , because of an affected kind of wagging of the Head , shrugging of the Shoulders , and Jectigation of the whole Body , which they used then most punctually . For the common Voice of the Philosophers , together with the Opinion of the People , asserteth for an irrefragable Truth , that Vaticination is seldom by the Heavens bestowed on any , without the Concomitancy of a little Phrensie , and a Head shaking , not only when the said presaging Vertue is infused , but when the Person also therewith inspired declareth and manifesteth it unto others . The Learned Lawyer Iulien , being asked on a time , if that Slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and in a good plight , who had not only convers'd with some furious , maniack and enraged People , but in their Company had also prophesied , yet without a Noddle-shaking Concussion , answered , That seeing there was no Head-wagging at the time of his Predictions , he might be held for sound and compotent enough . Is it not daily seen how Schoolmasters , Teachers , Tutors and Instructors of Children , shake the Heads of their Disciples , ( as one would do a Pot in holding it by the Lugs ) that by this Erection , Vellication , stretching and pulling their Ears , ( which according to the Doctrine of the sage Egyptians , is a Member consecrated to the Memory ) they may stir them up to recollect their scatter'd Thoughts , bring home those Fancies of theirs , which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth Objects , and totally range their Judgments , which possibly by disordinate Affections have been made wild , to the Rule and Pattean of a wise , discreet , vertuous and Philosophical Discipline : All which Virgil acknowledgeth to be true , in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius .

CHAP. XLVI . How Pantagruel and Panurge diversly interpret the Words of Triboulet .

HE says you are a Fool ; and what kind of Fool ? A mad Fool , who in your old Age would enslave your self to the Bondage of Matrimony , and shut your Pleasures up within a Wedlock , whose Key some Ruffian ▪ carries in his Codpiece . He says furthermore , beware of the Monk . Upon mine Honour , it gives me in my mind , that you will be cuckolded by a Monk . Nay , I will engage mine Honour , which is the most precious Pawn I could have in my Possession , although I were sole and peaceable Dominator over all Europe , Asia , and Africk , that if you marry , you will surely be one of the Horned Brotherhood of Vulcan . Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to the wise Foolery of our Morosoph Triboulet . The other Oracles and Responses did in the general prognosticate you a Cuckold , without descending so near to the point of a particular Determination , as to pitch upon what Vocation , amongst the several sorts of Men , he should profess who is to be the Copesmate of your Wife , and Hornifyer of your proper self . Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly , from whose Words we may gather with all ease imaginary , that your Cuckoldry is to be infamous , and so much the more scandalous , that your Conjugal Bed will be incestuously contaminated with the Filthiness of a Monkery Lecher . Moreover he says , that you will be the Hornepipe of Buzansay . That is to say , well horned , hornified and cornuted : And as Triboulet's Unkle asked from Lewis the Twelfth , for a younger Brother of his own who lived at Blois , the Hornepipes of Buzansay , for the Organ Pipes , through the mistake of one Word for another : Even so , whilst you think to marry a wise , humble , calm , discreet and honest Wife , you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless , proud , lowd , obstreperous , bawling , clamourous , and more unpleasant than any Buzansay-hornepipe . Consider withal , how he flirted you on the Nose with the Bladder , and gave you a sound thumping Blow with his Fist upon the ridge of the Back . This denotates and presageth , that you shall be banged , beaten and filipped by her ; and that also she will steal of your Goods from you , as you stole the Hogs Bladder from the little Boys of Vaubreton . Plat contrary ( quoth Panurge ) not that I would impudently exempt my self from being a Vassal in the Territory of Folly ; I hold of that Jurisdiction , and am subject thereto , I confess it ; and why should I not ? for the whole World is foolish . In the old Lorrain Language ( fou for oou ) All and Fool were the same thing . Besides it is avouched by Solomon , that infinite is the number of Fools : From an Infinity nothing can be deducted or abated ; nor yet by the Testimony of Aristotle , can any thing thereto be added or subjoyned . Therefore were I a mad Fool , if being a Fool I should not hold my self a Fool. After the same manner of speaking , we may averr the number of the mad and enraged Folks to be infinite . Avicenne maketh no Bones to assert , that the several kinds of Madness are infinite .

Though this much of Triboulet's words tend little to my Advantage , how be it the Prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other Men , yet the rest of his Talk and Gesture maketh altogether for me . He said to my Wife , Be weary of the Monky ; that is as much , as if he should be chery , and take as much delight in a Monky as ever did the Lesbia of Catullus in her Sparrow ; who will for his Recreation pass his time no less joyfully at the exercise of snatching Flies , then heretofore did the merciless Fly-catcher Domitian . Withal he meant by another part of his Discourse , that she should be of a Jovial Country-like Humour , as gay and pleasing as a harmonious Hornepipe of Saulian or Buzansy . The veridical Triboulet did therein hint at what I liked well , as perfectly knowing the Inclinations and Propensions of my Mind , my natural Disposition , and the Biass of my Interior Passions and Affections : For you may be assured , that my Humour is much better satisfied and contented with the pretty frolick rural discheveled Shepheardesses , whose Bums through their course Canvas Smocks smell of the Claver-grass of the Field , than with those great Ladies in Magnifick Courts , with their Flandan , Top-knots and Sultana's , their Polvil , Postillo's and Cosmeticks . The homely sound likeways of a Rustical Hornepipe , is more agreeable to my Ears , than the curious Warbling and musical Quavering of Lutes , Teorbes , Viols , Rebecks and Violins . He gave me a lusty rapping thwack on my Back . What then ? Let it pass in the Name and for the Love of God , as an Abatement of , and Deduction from so much of my future Pains in Purgatory . He did it not out of any evil intent : He thought belike to have hit some of the Pages : He is an honest Fool , and an innocent Changeling . It is a Sin to harbour in the Heart any bad Conceit of him . As for my self , I heartily pardon him . He flirted me on the Nose : In that there is no harm ; for it importeth nothing else , but that betwixt my Wife and me there will occur some toyish wanton Tricks , which usually happen to all new married Folks .

CHAP. XLVII . How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a Visit to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle .

THere is as yet another Point ( quoth Panurge ) which you have not at all considered on , although it be the chief and principal Head of the matter . He put the Bottle in my hand , and restored it me again . How interpret you that Passage ? What is the meaning of that ? He possibly ( quoth Pantagruel ) signifieth thereby , that your Wife will be such a Drunkard , as shall daily take in her Liquor kindly , and ply the Pots and Bottles apace . Quite otherways ( quoth Panurge ) for the Bottle was empty . I swear to you , by the prickling brambly Thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie , that our unique Morosoph , whom I formerly termed the Lunatick Triboulet , referreth me , for attaining to the final Resolution of my Scruple , to the Response-giving Bottle : Therefore do I renew afresh the first Vow which I made , and here in your Presence protest and make Oath by Styx and Acheron , to carry still Spectacles in my Cap , and never to wear a Codpiece in my Breeches , until upon the Enterprize in hand of my Nuptial Undertaking , I shall have obtained an Answer from the Holy Bottle . I am acquainted with a prudent , understanding , and discreet Gentleman , and besides a very good Friend of mine , who knoweth the Land , Country , and Place where its Temple and Oracle is built and posited : He will guide and conduct us thither sure and safely . Let us go thither , I beseech you : Deny me not , and say not , Nay ; reject not the Suit I make unto you , I intreat you . I will be to you an Achates , a Damis , and heartily accompany you all along in the whole Voyage , both in your going forth and coming back . I have of a long time known you to be a great Lover of Peregrination , desirous still to learn new things , and still to see what you had never seen before .

Very willingly ( quoth Pantagruel ) I condescend to your Request . But before we enter in upon our Progress towards the Accomplishment of so far a Journey , replenished and fraught with eminent Perils , full of innumerable Hazards , and every way stored with evident and manifest Dangers . What Dangers ( quoth Panurge ) interrupting him ? Dangers fly back , run from , and shun me whither soever I go seven Leagues around : As in the Presence of the Soveraign a subordinate Magistracy is eclipsed ; or as Clouds and Darkness quite evanish at the bright coming of a Radiant Sun ; or as all Sores and Sicknesses did suddenly depart , at the approach of the Body of St. Martin Aquande : Nevertheless ( quoth Pantagruel ) before we adventure to set forwards on the Road of our projected and intended Voyage , some few Points are to be discussed , expedited and dispatched . First , Let us send back Triboulet to Blois , ( which was instantly done , after that Pantagruel had given him a Frize Coat . ) Secondly , Our Design must be backed with the Advice and Counsel of the King my Father . And Lastly , It is most needful and expedient for us , that we search for , and find out some Sybille to serve us for a Guide , Truchman and Interpreter . To this Panurge made answer , That his Friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary Discharge and Performance of the Sybil's Office ; and that furthermore , in passing through the Lanternatory Revelling Country , they should take along with them a Learned and profitable Lanterne , which would be no less useful to them in their Voyage , than was that of the Sybil to Aeneas in his Descent to the Elysian Fields . Carpalin in the interim , as he was upon the conducting away of Triboulet , in his passing by , hearkened a little to the Discourse they were upon , then spoke out , saying , Ho , Panurge , Master Freeman , take my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you , for he is Goud-fallot , a good Fellow : He will not forget those who have been Debitors : These are Lanternes : Thus shall you not lack for both Fallot and Lanterne . I may safely with the little Skill I have ( quoth Pantagruel ) prognosticate , that by the way we shall engender no Melancholy ; I clearly perceive it already : The only thing that vexeth me is , that I cannot speak the Lanternatorie Language . I shall ( answered Panurge ) speak for you all ; I understand it every whit as well as I do mine own Maternal Tongue , I have been no less used to it than to the Vulgar French .

Briz mara dalgotbrick nubstzenos Isqufez prusque alboriz crinqs zabac Mizbe dilbarlkz morp nipp stanch bac Srombtz , Paurg , walmap quost grufzbac .

Now guess , Friend Epistemon , what this is . They are ( quoth Epistemon ) Names of errand Devils , paissant Devils , and rampant Devils . These words of thine , dear friend of mine , are true ( quoth Panurge ) yet are they Terms used in the Language of the Court of the Lanternish People . By the way as we go upon our Journey I will make to thee a pretty little Dictionary , which notwithstanding shall not last you much longer than a Pair of new Shooes ; thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the Dawning of the next subsequent Morning . What I have said in the foregoing Tetrastick is thus translated out of the Lanternish Tongue into our Vulgar Dialect .

All Miseries attended me , whilst I A Lover was , and had no good thereby : Of better Luck the married People tell , Panurge is one of those , and knows it well .

There is little more then ( quoth Pantagruel ) to be done , but that we understand what the Will of the King my Father will be therein , and purchase his Consent .

CHAP. XLVIII . How Gargantua sheweth , that the Children ought not to marry without the special Knowledge and Advice of their Fathers and Mothers .

NO sooner had Pantagruel entred in at the Door of the Great Hall of the Castle , than that he encountred full but with the good honest Gargantua coming forth from the Council Board , unto whom he made a succinct and summary Narrative of what had pass'd and occurred worthy of his Observation in his Travels abroad ▪ since their last Interview : Then , acquainting him with the Design he had in hand , besought him that it might stand wi●h his good Will and Pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go thorough-stitch with the Enterprize which he had undertaken . The good Man Gargantua having in one hand two great Bundles of Petitions , indorsed and answered ; and in the other some remembrancing Notes and Bills , to put him in mind of such other Requests of Supplicants , which albeit presented , had nevertheless been neither read nor heard , he gave both to Ulrich Gallet , his ancient and faithful Master of Requests ; then drew aside Pantagruel , and with a Countenance more serene and jovial than customary , spoke to him thus : I praise God , and have great reason so to do , my most dear Son , that he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant Inclination to vertuous Actions . I am well content that the Voyage which you have motioned to me be by you accomplished , but withal , I could wish you would have a mind and desire to marry , for that I see you are of competent years . Panurge in the mean while was in a readiness of preparing and providing for Remedies , Salves and Cures against all such Lets , Obstacles and Impediments as he could in the heighth of his Fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast in the way of their Itinerary Design . Is it your Pleasure ( most dear Father ) that you speak ? ( answered Pantagruel ) For my part I have not yet thought upon it . In all this Affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and Paternal Authority : For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw me down stark dead at your Feet , in your Pleasure , then that against your pleasure I should be found married alive . I never yet heard that by any Law , whether Sacred or Profane , yea , amongst the rudest and most barbarous Nations in the World , it was allowed and approved of , that Children may be suffered and tolerated to marry at their own good Will and Pleasure , without the Knowledge , Advice or Consent asked and had thereto of their Fathers , Mothers , and nearest Kindred . All Legislators every where upon the Face of the whole Earth , have taken away and removed this Licentious Liberty from Children , and totally reserved it to the Discretion of the Parents .

My dearly beloved Son ( quoth Gargantua ) I believe you , and from my Heart thank God for having endowed you with the Grace of having both a perfect notice of , and entire liking to laudable and praise●worthy things ; and that through the Windows of your exterior Senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit unto the interiour Faculties of your Mind , nothing but what is good and vertuous . For in my time there hath been found on the Continent a certain Country , wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian Mole-catching Priests , who albeit averse from engaging their proper Persons into a Matrimonial Duty , like the Pontifical Flamens of Cibele in Phrygia , as if they were Capons and not Cocks ; full of Lasciviousness , Salacity and Wantonness , who yet have nevertheless , in the matter of Conjugal Affairs , taken upon them to prescribe Laws and Ordinances to married Folks . I cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor , detest , loath and abominate , whether the Tyrannical Presumption of those dreaded Sacerdotal Molecatchers , who not being willing to contain and coop up themselves within the Grates and Treillices of their own mysterious Temples , do deal in , meddle with , obtrude upon , and thrust their Sickles into Harvests of Secular Businesses quite contrary , and diametrically opposite to the Quality , State and Condition of their Callings , Professions and Vocations ; or the superstitious Stupidity and senceless Scrupulousness of married Folks , who have yielded Obedience , and submitted their Bodies , Fortunes and Estates to the Discretion and Authority of such odious , perverse , barbarous , and unreasonable Laws . Nor do they see that which is clearer than the Light and Splendour of the Morning Star , how all these Nuptial and Connubial Sanctions , Statutes and Ordinances have been decreed , made and instituted , for the sole Benefit , Profit and Advantage of the Flaminal Mists , and mysterious Flamens , and nothing at all for the good Utility or Emolument of the silly hood-winked married People ; which administreth unto others a sufficient Cause for rendring these Church-men suspicious of Iniquity , and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing , no more to be connived at nor countenanced , after that it be well weighed in the Scales of Reason , than if with a reciprocal Temerity the Laicks by way of Compensation would impose Laws to be followed and observed by those Mysts and Flamens ; how they should behave themselves in the making and Performance of their Rites and Ceremonies , and after what manner they ought to proceed in the offering up , and immolating of their various Oblations , Victims and Sacrifices ; seeing that besides the Edecimation and Tith-haling of their Goods , they cut off and take Parings , Shreddings and Clippings of the Gain proceeding from the Labour of their Hands , and Sweat of their Brows , therewith to entertain themselves the better . Upon which Consideration in my Opinion ; their Injunctions and Commands would not prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the Ecclesiastick Power , unto which they had tendred their blind Obedience .

For as you have very well said , there is no place in the World where legally a Licence is granted to the Children to marry without the Advice and Consent of their Parents and Kindred . Nevertheless by those wicked Laws and Mole-catching Customs , whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you , there is no scurvy , mezely , leprous or pocky Ruffian , Pander , Knave , Rogue , Skelm , Robber or Thief , pilloried , whipped and burn-marked in his own Country for his Crimes and Felonies , who may not violently snatch away and ravish what Maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon , how noble , how fair , how rich , honest and chaste soever she be , and that out of the House of her own Father , in his own Presence , from the Bosom of her Mother , and in the sight and despight of her Friends and Kindred looking on a so woful Spectacle , provided that the Rascal Villain be so cunning as to associate unto himself some Mystical Flamen , who according to the Covenant made betwixt them two , shall be in hope some day to participate of the Prey .

Could the Goths , the Scyths , or Messagets do a worse or more cruel Act to any of the Inhabitants of a Hostile City , when after the loss of many of their most considerable Commanders , the expence of a great deal of Money , and a long Siege , they shall have stormed and taken it by a vioolent and impetuous Assault ? May not these Fathers and Mothers ( think you ) be sorrowful and heavy-hearted , when they see an unknown Fellow , a Vagabond Stranger , a barbarous Lowt , a rude Curr , rotten , fleshless , putrified , scraggy , boily , botchy , poor , a forlorn Caitif and miserable Snake , by an open Rapt , snatcht away before their own Eyes their so fair , delicate , neat , well-behavioured , richly provided for , and healthful Daughters , on whose Breeding and Education they had spared no Cost nor Charges , by bringing them up in an honest Discipline to all the honourable and vertuous Employments becoming one of their Sex , descended of a noble Parentage , hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and convenient time to bestow them on the worthy Sons of their well-deserving Neighbours and ancient Friends , who had nourished , entertained , taught , instructed and schooled their Children with the same Care and Sollicitude , to make them Matches fit to attain to the Felicity of a so happy Marriage ; that from them might issue an Off-spring and Progeny no less Heirs to the laudable Endowments and exquisite Qualifications of their Parents whom they every way resemble , than to their Personal and Real Estates , Moveables and Inheritances ? How doleful , trist and plangorous would such a Sight and Pageantry prove unto them ? You shall not need to think that the Collachrymation of the Romans , and their Confederates , at the Decease of Germanicus Drusus , was comparable to this Lamentation of theirs ? Neither would I have you to believe , that the Discomfort and Anxiety of the Lacedemonians , when the Greek Helen , by the Perfidiousness of the Adulterous Trojan Paris was privily stollen away out of their Country , was greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable Collugency of theirs ? You may very well imagine that Ceres , at the Ravishment of her Daughter Proserpina , was not more attristed , sad , no● mournful than they . Trust me , and your own Reason , that the loss of Osyris was not so regreatable to Isis ; nor did Venus so deplore the Death of Adonis ; nor yet did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas ; nor was the Rapt of Polyxena more throbbingly resented and condoled by Pryamus and Hecuba , than this aforesaid Accident would be sympathetically bemoaned , grievous , ruthful and anxious to the wofully desolate and disconsolate Parents .

Notwithstanding all this , the greater part of so vilely abused Parents , are so timerous and afraid of Devils and Hobgoblins , and so deeply plunged in Superstition , that they dare not gainsay nor contradict , much less oppose and resist those unnatural and impious Actions , when the Mole-catcher hath been present at the perpetrating of the Fact , and a Party Contracter and Covenanter in that detestable Bargain . What do they do then ? They wretchedly stay at their own miserable Homes , destitute of their well-beloved Daughters ; the Fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein they were married ; and the Mothers howling and crying that it was not their fortune to have brought forth Abortive Issues , when they hapned to be delivered of such unfortunate Girls ; and in this pitiful plight spend at best the remainder of their Time with Tears and Weeping for those their Children of , and from whom they expected ( and with good reason should have obtained and reaped ) in these latter days of theirs , Joy and Comfort . Other Parents there have been , so impatient of that Affront and Indignity put upon them and their Families , that , transported with the Extremity of Passion , in a mad and frantick mood , through the Vehemency of a grievous Fury and raging Sorrow , have drowned , hanged , killed , and otherways put violent hands on themselves . Others again of that Parental Relation , have upon the reception of the like Injury , been of a more magnanimous and heroick Spirit , who ( in imitation , and at the Example of the Children of Iacob , revenging upon the Sichemits the Rapt of their Sister Dina ) having found the Rascally Ruffian in the Association of his mystical Mole-catcher closely and in hugger-mugger , conferring , parlying , and coming with their Daughters , for the suborning , corrupting , depraving , perverting and enticing these innocent , unexperienced Maids unto filthy Lewdnesses , have , without any further Advisement on the matter , cut them instantly into pieces , and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the Fields their so dismembred Bodies , to serve for Food unto the Wolves and Ravens . Upon the chivalrous , bold and couragious Atchievement of a so valiant , stout and man-like Act , the other Mole catching Symmists have been so highly incensed , and have so chaffed , fretted and fumed thereat , that Bills of Complaint and Accusations having been in a most odious and detestible manner put in before the competent Judges , the Arm of Secular Authority hath with much Importunity and Impetuosity been by them implored and required , they proudly contending , that the Servants of God would become contemptible , if exemplary Punishment were not speedily taken upon the Persons of the Perpetrators of such an enormous , horrid , sacrilegious , crying , heinous , and execrable Crime .

Yet neither by Natural Equity , by the Law of Nations , nor by any Imperial Law whatsoever , hath there been found so much as one Rubrick , Paragraph , Point or Tittle , by the which any kind of Chastisement or Correction hath been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their Delinquency in that kind . Reason opposeth , and Nature is repugnant : For there is no vertuous Man in the World , who , both naturally and with good reason , will not be more hugely troubled in Mind , hearing of the News of the Rapt , Disgrace , Ignominy and Dishonour of his ▪ Daughter , than of her Death . Now any Man finding in hot Blood , one who with a fore-thought Felony hath murthered his Daughter , may , without tying himself to the Formalities and Circumstances of a Legal Proceeding , kill him on a sudden , and out of hand , without incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the Officers of Justice for so doing . What wonder is it then ? or how little strange should it appear to any rational Man , if a Lechering Rogue , together with his Mole catching Abetter , be entrapped ▪ in the flagrant Act of suborning his Daughter , and stealing her out of his House , ( though her self consent thereto ) that the Father in such a case of Stain and Infamy by them brought upon his Family , should put them both to a shameful Death , and cast their Carcasses upon Dunghils to be devoured and eaten up by Dogs and Swine , or otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption , tearing and rending asunder of their Joynts and Members by the Wild Beasts of the Field .

Dearly beloved Son , have an especial Care , that after my Decease none of these Laws be received in any of your Kingdoms ; for whilst I breath , by the Grace and Assistance of God I shall give good Order .

Seeing therefore you have totally referred unto my Discretion the Disposure of you in Marriage , I am fully of an Opinion , that I shall provide sufficiently well for you in that Point . Make ready and prepare your self for Panurge's Voyage ▪ Take along with you Epistemon , Friar Ihon , and such others as you will choose : Do with my Treasures what unto your self shall seem most expedient : None of your Actions , I promise you , can in any manner of way displease me . Take out of my Arcenal Thalasse , whatsoever Equipage , Furniture or Provision you please , together with such Pilots , Mariners and Truchmen , as you have a mind to ; and with the first fair and favourable Wind set sail and make out to Sea in the Name of God our Saviour . In the mean while , during your Absence , I shall not be neglective of providing a Wife for you , nor of those Preparations , which are requisite to be made for the more sumptuous solemnizing of your Nuptials with a most splendid Feast , if ever there was any in the World , since the days of Assuerus .

CHAP. XLIX . How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to Sea ; and of the Herb named Pantagruelion .

WIthin very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his Leave of the good Gargantua , who devoutly prayed for his Sons happy Voyage , he arrived at the Sea-Port , near to Sammalo , accompanied with Panurge , Epistemon , Friar Ihon of the Funnels , Abbot of Theleme , and others of the Royal House , especially with Xenomanes the great Traveller , and Thwarter of dangerous ways , who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge , of whose Castle wick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty Inheritance by the Tenure of a Mesnefee . Pantagruel being come thither , prepared and made ready for launching a Fleet of Ships , to the number of those which Ajax of Salamine had of old equipped , in Convoy of the Graecian Soldiery against the Trojan State . He likewise picked out for his use so many Mariners , Pilots , Sailors , Interpreters , Artificers , Officers and Soldiers , as he thought fitting ; and therewithal made Provision of so much Victuals of all sorts , Artillery , Munition of divers kinds , Cloaths , Moneys , and other such Luggage , Stuff , Baggage , Chaffer and Furniture , as he deemed needful for carrying on the Design of a so tedious , long and perillous Voyage . Amongst other things , it was observed , how he caused some of his Vessels to be fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an Herb of his called Pantagruelion , not only of the green and raw sort of it , but of the confected also , and of that which was notably well befitted for present use after the fashion of Conserves . The Herb Pantagruelion hath a little Root somewhat hard and ruff , roundish , terminating in an obtuse and very blunt Point , and having some of its Veins , Strings or Filaments coloured with some spots of white , never fixeth it self into the ground above the profoundness almost of a Cubit , or Foot and a half ; from the Root thereof proceedeth the only Stalk , orbicular , cane●like , green without , whitish within , and hollow like the Stem of Smyrgium , Olus Atrum , Beans and Gentian , full of long Threds , streight , easie to be broken , jogged , snipped , nicked and notched a little after the manner of Pillars and Columns , slightly farrowed , chamfered , guttred and channel'd , and full of Fibres , or Hairs like Strings , in which consisteth the chief Value and Dignity of the Herb , especially in that part thereof which is termed Mesa , as he would say the M●an ; and in that other which hath got the Denomination of Milasea . It s Height is commonly of five or six Foot ; yet sometimes it is of such a tall Growth , as doth surpass the length of a Lance , but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet , easie , warm , wet and well-soaked Soil , ( as is the ground of the Territory of Olone , and that of Rasea , near to Preneste in Sabinia ) and that it want not for Rain enough about the Season of the Fishers Holydays , and the Estival Solstice . There are many Trees whose Height is by it very far exceeded , and you might call it Dendromalache by the Authority of Theophrastus . The Plant every year perisheth ; the Tree , neither in the Trunk , Root , Bark or Boughs , being durable .

From the Stalk of this Pantagruelian Plant there issue forth several large and great Branches , whose Leaves have thrice as much length as breadth , always green , roughish and rugged like the Alcanet , or Spanish Buglose , hardish , slit round about like unto a Sickle , or as the Saxifragum , Betony , and finally ending as it were in the Points of a Macedonian Spear , or of such a Lancet as Surgeons commonly make use of in their Phlebotomizing Tiltings . The Figure and shape of the Leaves thereof is not much different from that of those of the Ash-tree , or of Egrimony ; the Herb it self so being like the Eupatorian Plant , that many skilful Herbalists have called it the Domestick Eupator , and the Eupator the wild Pantagruelion . These Leaves are in equal and parallel Distances spread around the Stalk , by the number in every Rank either of Five or Seven , Nature having so highly favoured and cherish'd this Plant , that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd , divine and mysterious Numbers . The Smell thereof is somewhat strong , and not very pleasing to nice , tender and delicate Noses : The Seed inclosed therein mounteth up to the very top of its Stalk , and a little above it .

This is a numerous Herb ; for there is no less abundance of it than of any other whatsoever . Some of these Plants are Spherical , some Romboid , and some of an oblong shape , and all of those either black , bright-coloured or tawny , rude to the touch , and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away Coat , yet such a one as is of a delicious Taste and Savour to all shrill and sweetly singing Birds , such as Linnets , Goldfinches , Larks , Canary Birds , Yellow-hammers , and others of that Airy chirping Quire ; but it would quite extinguish the Natural Heat and Procreative Vertue of the Semence of any Man , who would eat much , and often of it . And although , that , of old , amongst the Greeks there was certain kinds of Fritters and Pancakes , Buns and Tarts made thereof , which commonly for a lickorish Daintiness were presented the Table after Supper , to delight the Palat , and make the Wine relish the better . Yet is it of a difficult Concoction , and offensive to the Stomach ; for it engendreth bad and unwholsom Blood , and with its exorbitant Heat woundeth them with grievous , hurtful , smart and noysom Vapours . And as in divers Plants and Trees there are two Sexes , Male and Female , which is perceptible in Lawrels , Palms , Cypresses , Oaks , Holmes , the Daffadil , Mandrake , Fearn , the Agarick , Mushrum , Birthwort , Turpentine , Penny-royal , Peony , Rose of the Mount , and many other such like . Even so , in this Herb there is a Male which beareth no Flower at all , yet it is very copious of , and abundant in Seed . There is likeways in it a Female , which hath great store and plenty of whitish Flowers , serviceable to little or no purpose ; nor doth it carry in it Seed of any worth at all , at least comparable to that of the Male. It hath also a larger Leaf , and much softer than that of the Male ; nor doth it altogether grow to so great a height . This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the Swallows , and is to be plucked out of the Ground when the Grashoppers begin to be a little hoarse .

CHAP. L. How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought .

THE Herb Pantagruelion in September , under the Autumnal Equinox , is dressed and prepared several ways , according to the various Fancies of the People , and Diversity of the Climates wherein it groweth . The first Instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it , was , to divest and dispoil the Stalk and Stem thereof of all its Flowers and Seeds , to macerate and mortifie it in Pond , Pool , or Lake-water , which is to be made run a little for five days together , if the Season be dry , and the Water hot ; or for full nine or twelve days , if the weather be cloudish , and the Water cold : Then must it be parched before the Sun , till it be drained of its Moisture : After this it is in the Shadow , where the Sun shines not , to be peeled , and its Rind pulled off : Then are the Fibres and Strings thereof to be parted , ( wherein , as we have already said , consisteth its prime Vertue , Price , and Efficacy ) and severed from the woody part thereof , which is improfitable , and serveth hardly to any other use , than to make a clear and glistering Blaze , to kindle the Fire , and for the Play , Pastime and Disport of little Children , to blow up Hogs Bladders , and make them rattle . Many times some use is made thereof by tipling , sweet-lipped Bibbers , who out of it frame Quills and Pipes , through which they with their Liquor-attractive Breath suck up the new dainty Wine from the Bung of the Barrel . Some modern Pantagruelists , to shun and avoid that manual Labour , which such a separating and partitional Work would of necessity require , employ certain Catarractick Instruments , oomposed and formed after the same manner that the froward , pettish and angry Iuno did hold the Fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched together , when she would have hindred the Child-birth Delivery of Alcmena , at the Nativity of Hercules ; and athwart those Cataracts they break and bruise to very Trash the woody parcels , thereby to preserve the better the Fibres , which are the precious and excellent parts . In , and with this sole Operation do these acquiesce and are contented , who , contrary to the received Opinion of the whole Earth , and in in a manner paradoxical to all Philosophers , gain their Livelihoods backwards , and by recoiling . But those that love to hold it at a higher rate , and prize it according to its Value , for their own greater Profit , do the very same which is told us of the recreation of the three fatal Sister Parques , or of the nocturnal Exercise of the noble Circe ; or yet of the Excuse which Penelope made to her fond wooing Youngsters and effeminate Courtiers , during the long Absence of her Husband Ulysses .

By these means is this Herb put into a way to display its inestimable Vertues , whereof I will discover a part : ( for to relate all is a thing impossible to do ) I have already interpreted and exposed before you the Denomination thereof . I find that Plants have their Names given and bestowed upon them after several ways : Some got the Name of him who first found them out , knew them , sowed them , improved them by Culture , qualified them to a tractability , and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences they were fit for : As the Mercuriale from Mercury , Panacee from Panace the Daughter of Esculapius , in Armois from Artemis , who is Diana ; Eupatorie from the King Eupator ; Telephion from Telephus ; Euphorbium from Euphorbus , King Iuba's Physician ; Clymenos from Clymenus ; Alchibiadium from Alcibiades ; Gentiane from Gentius King of Sclavonia , and so forth , through a great many other Herbs or Plants . Truly , in ancient Times , this Prerogative of imposing the Inventors Name upon an Herb found out by him , was held in a so great account and estimation , that as a Controversie arose betwixt Neptune and Pallas , from which of them two that Land should receive its Denomination , which had been equally found out by them both together , though thereafter it was called and had the Apellation of Athens , from Athene , which is Minerva : Just so would Lynceus King of Scythia have treacherously slain the young Triptolemus , whom Ceres had sent to shew unto Mankind the Invention of Corn , which until then had been utterly unknown , to the end , that after the murther of the Messenger ( whose Death he made account to have kept secret ) he might , by imposing with the less suspicion of false dealing , his own Name upon the said found out Seed , acquire unto himself an immortal Honour and Glory , for having been the Inventor of a Grain so profitable and necessary to , and for the use of Humane Life . For the wickedness of which Treasonable Attempt he was by Ceres transformed into that wild Beast , which by some is called a Lynx , and by others an Oince . Such also was the Ambition of others upon the like occasion , as appeareth by that , very sharp Wars , and of a long continuance , have been made of old betwixt some Residentary Kings in Capadocia , upon this only Debate , of whose Name a certain Herb should have the Appellation ; by reason of which difference , so troublesom and expensive to them all , it was by them called Polemonion , and by us for the same Cause termed Make-bate .

Other Herbs and Plants there are , which retain the Names of the Countries from whence they were transported : As the Median Apples from Media , where they first grew ; Punick Apples from Punicia , ( that is to say , Carthage ; ) Ligusticum ( which we call Louage ) from Liguria the Coast of Genoua ; Rubarb from a Flood in Barbary ( as Ammianus attesteth ) called Ru ; Sautonica from a Region of that Name ; Fenugreek from Greece ; Gastanes from a Country so called ; Persicarie from Persia ; Sabine from a Territory of that Appellation ; Staechas from the Staechad Islands ; Spica Celtica from the Land of the Celtick Gauls ; and so throughout a great many other , which were tedious to enumerate . Some others again have obtained their Denominations by way of Antiphrasis , or Contrariety ; as , Absinth , because it is contrary to 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 ; for it is bitter to the taste in drinking ; Holosteon , as if it were all Bones , whilst on the contrary , there is no frailer , tenderer nor britler Herb in the whole Production of Nature than it .

There are some other sorts of Herbs , which have got their Names from their Vertues and Operatious ; as Aristolochie , because it helpeth Women in Child-birth ; Lichen , for that it cureth the Disease of that name ; Mallow , because it mollifieth ; Callithricum , because it maketh the Hair of a bright Colour ; Alyssum , Ephemerum , Bechium , Nasturtium , Aneban , and so forth through many more .

Other some there are which have obtained their Names from the admirable Qualities that are found to be in them ; as Heliotropium ( which is the Marigold ) because it followeth the Sun ; so that at the Sun rising it displayeth and spreads it self out , at his ascending it mounteth , at his declining it waineth ; and when he is set it is close shut ; Adianton , because although it grow near unto watry places , and albeit you should let it lie in Water a long time , it will nevertheless retain no Moisture nor Humidity ; Hierachia , Eringium , and so throughout a great many more . There are also a great many Herbs , and Plants , which have retained the very same Names of the Men and Women who have been metamorphosed and transformed in them ; as from Daphne the Lawrel is called also Daphne ; Myrrhe from Myrrha the Daughter of Cinarus ; Pythis from Pythis ; Cinara ( which is the Artichock ) from one of that name ; Narcissus , with Saffran , Similax , and divers others .

Many Herbs likewise have got their Names of those things which they seem to have some Resemblance ; as Hippuris , because it hath the likeness of a Horses Tail ; Alopecuris , because it representeth in similitude the Tail of a Fox ; Psyllion , from a Flea which it resembleth ; Delphinium , for that it is like a Dolphin Fish ; Buglosse is so called , because it is an Herb like an Oxes Tongue ; Iris , so called , because in its Flowers it hath some resemblance of the Rain-bow ; Myosata , because it is like the Ear of a Mouse ; Coronopus , for that it is of the likeness of a Crows Foot : A great many other such there are , which here to recite were needless . Furthermore , as there are Herbs and Plants which have had their Names from those of Men , so by a reciprocal Denomination have the Surnames of many Families taken their Origin from them ; as the Fabii , à fabis , Beans ; the Pisons , à pisis , Pease ; the Lentuli from Lentils ; the Cicerons , à Ciceribus , vel Ciceris , a sort of Pulse called Cichepeason , and so forth . In some Plants and Herbs the resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher Mark or Object , as when we say Venus Navil , Venus Hair , Venus Tub , Iupiter's Beard , Iupiter's Eye , Mars's Blood , the Hermodactyl or Mercury's Fingers , which are all of them Names of Herbs , as there are a great many more of the like Appellation . Others again have received their Denomination from their Forms ; such as the Trefoil , because it is three-leaved ; Pentaphylon , for having five Leaves ; Serpolet , because it creepeth along the ground ; Helixine , Petast , Myrobalon , which the Arabians call Been , as if you would say an Ackorne ; for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto , and withal is very oily .

CHAP. LI. Why is it called Pantagruelion , and of the admirable Vertues thereof .

BY such like means of attaining to a Denomination ( the fabulous ways being only from thence excepted ; for the Lord forbid that we should make use of any Fables in this a so venerable History ) is this Herb called Pantagruelion ; for Pantagruel was the Inventor thereof : I do not say of the Plant it self , but of a certain use which it serves for , exceeding odious and hateful to Thieves and Robbers , unto whom it is more contrarious and hurtful than the Strangle-weed , Choakfitch is to the Flax , the Cats-tail to the Brakes , the Sheavgrass to the Mowers of Hay , the Fitches to the Chickny Pease , the Darnel to Barley , the Hatchet Fitch to the Lentil Pulse , the Antramium to the Beans , Tares to Wheat , Ivy to Walls , the Water Lilly to lecherous Monks , the Birchen Rod to the Scholars of the Colledge of Navarre in Paris , Colewort to the Vine-tree , Garlick to the Load-stone , Onyons to the sight , Fearn-seed to Women with Child , Willow Grain to vicious Nuns , the Yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it , Wolfsbane to Wolves and Libbards , the Smell of Fig-tree to mad Bulls , Hemlock to Goslings , Purslane to the Teeth , or Oil to Trees : For we have seen many of those Rogues by vertue and right application of this Herb finish their Lives , short and long , after the manner of Phillis Queen of Thracia , of Benosus Emperor of Rome , of Amata King Latinus's Wife , of Iphus , Autolicus , Lycambe , Arachne , Phaedra , Leda , Achius King of Lydia , and many thousands more ; who were chiefly angry and vexed at this Disaster therein , that without being otherways sick , evil disposed in their Bodies , by a touch only of the Pantagruelian , they came on a suddain to have the passage obstructed , and their Pipes ( through which were wont to bolt so many jolly Sayings , and to enter so many luscious Morsels ) stopped , more cleaverly , than ever could have done the Squinancy .

Others have been heard most wofully to lament , at the very instant when Atropos was about to cut the thred of their Life , that Pantagruel held them by the Gorge . But ( well-a-day ) it was not Pantagruel ; he never was an Executioner : It was the Pantagruelian , manufactured and fashioned into an Halter , and serving in the place and Office of a Cravat . In that verily they solaecized , and spoke improperly , unless you would excuse them by a Trope , which alloweth us to posit the Inventor in the place of the thing invented ; as when Ceres is taken for Bread , and Bacchus put instead of Wine . I swear to you here , by the good and frolick Words which are to issue out of that Wine-bottle which is a cooling below in the Copper Vessel full of Fountain Water , that the noble Pantagruel never snatch'd any Man by the Throat , unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective of those obviating Remedies , which were preventive of the Thirst to come .

It is also termed Pantagruelion by a Similitude : For Pantagruel , at the very first minute of his Birth , was no less tall than this Herb is long , whereof I speak unto you , his measure having been then taken the more easie , that he was born in the Season of the great Drowth , when they were busiest in the gathering of the said Herb , to wit , at that time when Icarus's Dog , with his fiery bawling and barking at the Sun , maketh the whole World Troglodytick , and enforceth People every where to hide themselves in Dens and subterranean Caves . It is likeways called Pantagruelion , because of the notable and singular Qualities , Vertues and Properties thereof : For as Pantagruel hath been the Idea , Pattern , Prototype and Exemplary of all Iovial Perfection and Accomplishment ( in the truth whereof I believe there is none of you , Gentlemen Drinkers , that putteth any Question ) so in this Pantagruelion have I found so much Efficacy and Energy , so much Compleatness and Excellency , so much Exquisiteness and Ra●ity , and so many admirable Effects and Operations of a transcendent Nature , that if the Worth and Vertue thereof had been known , when those Trees , by the relation of the Prophet , made Election of a wooden King , to rule and govern over them , it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the Plurality of Votes and Suffrages .

Shall I yet say more ? If Oxilus the Son of Orius had begotten this Plant upon his Sister Hamadryas , he had taken more delight in the Value and Perfection of it alone , then in all his Eight Children , so highly renowned by our ablest Mythologians , that they have sedulously recommended their Names to the never-failing Tuition of an eternal Remembrance . The eldest Child was a Daughter , whose Name was Vine ; the next born was a Boy , and his Name was Fig-tree ; the third was called Walnut-tree ; the fourth Oak ; the fifth Sorbaple-tree ; the sixth Ash ; the seventh Poplar ; and the last had the Name of Elm , who was the greatest Surgeon in his time . I shall forbear to tell you , how the Juyce or Sap thereof , being poured and distilled within the Ears , killeth every kind of Vermin , that by any manner of Putrefaction cometh to be bred and engendred there ; and destroyeth also any whatsoever other Animal that shall have entred in thereat . If likewise you put a little of the said Juyce within a Pale or Bucket full of Water , you shall see the Water instantly turn and grow thick therewith , as if it were Milk-Curds , whereof the Vertue is so great , that the Water thus curded is a present Remedy for Horses subject to the Cholick , and such as strike at their own Flanks . The Root thereof well boiled , mollifieth the Joynts , softneth the hardness of shrunk in Sinews , is every way comfortable to the Nerves , and good against all Cramps and Convulsions , as likeways all cold and knotty Gouts . If you would speedily heal a Burning , whether occasioned by Water or Fire , apply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion , that is to say , take it so as it cometh out of the Ground , without bestowing any other Preparation or Composition upon it ; but have a special Care to change it for some fresher , in lieu thereof , as soon as you shall find it waxing dry upon the Sore .

Without this Herb Kitchins would be detested , the Tables of Dining-Rooms abhorred , although there were great Plenty and Variety of most dainty and sumptuous Dishes of Meat set down upon them ; and the choicest Beds also , how richly soever adorned with Gold , Silver , Amber , Ivory , Porphyr , and the mixture of most precious Metals , would without it yield no Delight or Pleasure to the Reposers in them : Without it Millers could neither carry Wheat , nor any other kind of Corn , to the Mill ; nor would they be able to bring back from thence Flour , or any other sort of Meal whatsoever . Without it , how could the Papers and Writs of Lawyers Clients be brought to the Bar ? Seldom is the Mortar , Lime or Plaister brought to the Work-house without it . Without it how should the Water be got out of a Draw-Well ? In what case would Tabellions , Notaries , Copists , Makers of Counterpanes , Writers , Clerks , Secretaries , Scriveners , and such like Persons be without it ? Were it not for it , what would become of the Toll-rates and Rent-rolls ? Would not the noble Art of Printing perish without it ? Whereof could the Chassis or Paper-Windows be made ? How should the Bells be rung ? The Altars of Isis are adorned therewith ; the Pastophorian Priests are therewith clad and accoutred ; and whole Humane Nature covered and wrapped therein , at its first position and production in , and into this World : All the Lunifick Trees of Seres , the Bumbast and Cotton Bushes in the Territories near the Persian Sea and Gulph of Bengala ; the Arabian Swans , together with the Plants of Maltha , do not all of them cloath , attire , and apparel so many Persons as this one Herb alone . Soldiers are now-a-days much better sheltered under it , than they were in former times , when they lay in Tents covered with Skins . It overshadows the Theaters and Amphitheaters from the heat of a scorching Sun : It begirdeth and encompasseth Forests , Chases , Parks , Copses and Groves , for the pleasure of Hunters : It descendeth into the Salt and Fresh of both Sea and River-Waters , for the profit of Fishers : By it are Boots of all sizes , Buskins , Gamashes , Brodkins , Gambados , Shooes , Pumps , Slippers , and every cobled Ware wrought and made steddable for the use of Man : By it the Butt and Rover-bows are strong , the Cross-bows bended , and the Slings made fixed : And , as if it were an Herb every whit as holy as the Verveine , and reverenced by Ghosts , Spirits , Hobgoblins , Fiends and Phantoms , the Bodies of deceased Men are never buried without it .

I will proceed yet further , by the means of this fine Herb , the invisible Substances are visibly stopped , arrested , taken , detained , and Prisoner-like committed to their receptive Goals . Heavy and ponderous Weights are by it heaved , lifted up , turned , veered , drawn , carried , and every way moved quickly , nimbly and easily , to the great Profit and Emolument of Humane Kind . When I perpend with my self these and such like marvellous Effects of this wonderful Herb , it seemeth strange unto me , how the Invention of so useful a Practice did escape , through so many by-past Ages , the Knowledge of the Ancient Philosophers , considering the inestimable Utility which from thence proceeded ; and the immense Labour , which without it , they did undergo in their pristine Elucubrations . By vertue thereof , through the retention of some Aerial Gusts , are the huge Rambarges , mighty Gallioons , the large Floyts , the Chiliander , the Myriander Ships launched from their Stations , and set a going at the Pleasure and Arbitriment of their Rulers , Conders and Steersmen . By the help thereof those remote Nations , whom Nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us , and so desirous to have kept them still in abscondito , and hidden from us , that the ways through which their Countries were to be reached unto , were not only totally unknown , but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible , are now arrived to us , and we to them .

Those Voyages outreached Flights of Birds , and far surpass'd the Scope of Feather'd Fowls , how swift soever they had been on the Wing , and notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through the Air. Taproban hath seen the Heaths of Lapland , and both the Iava's the Riphaean Mountains , wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme , and the Islanders drink of the Flood Euphrates : By it the chill-mouthed Boreas hath surveyed the parched Mansions of the torrid Auster , and Eurus visited the Regions which Zephirus hath under his Command ; yea , in such sort have Interviews been made , by the assistance of this Sacred Herb , that maugre Longitudes and Latitudes , and all the Variations of the Zones . The Periaecian People , and Antoecian , Amphiscian , Heteroscian , and Periscian had oft tendred and received mutual Visits to , and from other , upon all the Climates . These strange Exploits bred such Astonishment to the Celestial Intelligences , to all the Marine and Terrestrial Gods , that they were on a sudden all afraid : From which Amazement , when they saw how , by means of this blest Pantagruelion , the Arctick People lookt upon the Antarctick , scowred the Atlantick Ocean , passed the Tropicks , pushed through the Torrid Zone , measured all the Zodiack , sported under the Equinoctial , having both Poles level with their Horizon ; they judged it high time to call a Council , for their own Safety and Preservation .

The Olympick Gods being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of such Atchievements , said , Pantagruel hath shapen Work enough for us , and put us more to a plunge , and nearer our Wits end , by this sole Herb of his , then did of old the Aloids , by overturning Mountains . He very speedily is to be married , and shall have many Children by his Wife : It lies not in our Power to oppose this Destiny ; for it hath passed through the Hands and Spindles of the Fatal Sisters , Necessities inexorable Daughters . Who knows but by his Sons may be found out an Herb of such another Vertue and prodigious Energy , as that by the Aid thereof , in using it aright according to their Fathers Skill , they may contrive a way for Humane Kind to pierce into the high Aerian Clouds , get up unto the Spring-head of the Hail , take an Inspection of the snowy Sources , and shut and open as they please the Sluces from whence proceed the Flood-gates of the Rain ; then prosecuting their Aetherial Voyage , they may step in unto the Lightning Work-house and Shop , where all the Thunderbolts are forged , where seizing on the Magazin of Heaven , and Store-house of our Warlike Fire Munition , they may discharge a bouncing Peal or two of thundering Ordinance , for Joy of their Arrival to these new supernal places ; and charging those Tonitrual Guns afresh , turn the whole force of that Artillery against our selves , wherein we most confided : Then is it like they will set forward to invade the Territories of the Moon , whence passing through both Mercury and Venus , the Sun will serve them for a Torch , to shew the way from Mars to Iupiter and Saturn : We shall not then be able to resist the Impetuosity of their Intrusion , nor put a stoppage to their entring in at all whatever Regions , Domicils or Mansions of the Spangled Firmament they shall have any mind to see , to stay in , to travel through for their Recreation : All the Celestial Signs together , with the Constellations of the Fixed Stars , will joyntly be at their Devotion then : Some will take up their Lodging at the Ram , some at the Bull , and others at the Twins ; some at the Crab , some at the Lion Inn , and others at the Sign of the Virgin ; some at the Balance , others at the Scorpion , and others will be quartered at the Archer ; some will be harboured at the Goat , some at the Water-pourer's Sign , some at the Fishes ; some will lie at the Crown , some at the Harp , some at the Golden Eagle and the Dolphin ; some at the Flying Horse , some at the Ship , some at the great , some at the little Bear ; and so throughout the glistning Hostories of the whole twinkling Asteristick Welkin : There will be Sojourners come from the Earth , who longing after the taste of the sweet Cream , of their own scumming off , from the best Milk of all the Dairy of the Galaxy , will set themselves at Table down with us , drink of our Nectar and Ambrosia , and take to their own Beds at Night for Wives and Concubines our fairest Goddesses , the only means whereby they can be Deify'd . A Junto hereupon being convocated , the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so dreadful Danger , Iove , sitting in his Presidential Throne , asked the Votes of all the other Gods , which , after a profound Deliberation amongst themselves on all Contingencies , they freely gave at last , and then resolved unanimously to withstand the Shock of all whatsoever sublunary Assaults .

CHAP. LII . How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature , that the Fire is not able to consume it .

I Have already related to you great and admirable things ; but if you might be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other Divinity of this Sacred Pantagruelion , I very willingly would tell it you . Believe it if you will , or otherways believe it not , I care not which of them you do , they are both alike to me , it shall be sufficient for my purpose to have told you the Truth , and the Truth I will tell you : But to enter in thereat , because it is of a knaggy , difficult and rugged access , this is the Question which I ask of you , If I had put within this Bottle two Pints , the one of Wine and the other of Water , throughly and exactly mingled together , how would you unmix them ? After what manner would you go about to sever them , and separate the one Liquor from the other , in such sort , that you render me the Water apart , free from the Wine , and the Wine also pure , without the Intermixture of one drop of Water ; and both of them in the same measure , quantity and taste that I had embottled them ? Or to state the Question otherways , If your Carr-men and Mariners , entrusted for the Provision of your Houses , with the bringing of a certain considerable number of Tuns , Punchions , Pipes , Barrels and Hogsheads of Graves Wine , or of the Wine of Orleans , Beanne and Mirevaux , should drink out the half , and afterwards with Water fill up the other empty halves of the Vessels as full as before ; as the Limosins use to do in their Carriages by Wains and Carts of the Wines of Argenton and Sangaultier . After that , how would you part the Water from the Wine , and purifie them both in such a case . I understand you well enough ; your meaning is , that I must do it with an Ivy Funnel : That is written , it is true , and the Verity thereof explored by a thousand Experiments ; you have learned to do this Feat before I see it : But those that have never known it , nor at any time have seen the like , would hardly believe that it were possible . Let us nevertheless proceed .

But put the case we were now living in the Age of Silla , Marius , Caesar , and other such Roman Emperors ; or that we were in the time of our ancient Druids , whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead Bodies of their Parents and Lords , and that you had a mind to drink the Ashes or Cinders of your Wives or Fathers in the infused Liquor of some good White-wine , as Artemisia drunk the Dust and Ashes of her Husband Mansolus ; or otherways , that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine Urn or Reliquary Pot , how would you save the Ashes apart , and separate them from those other Cinders and Ashes into which the Fuel of the Funeral and bustuary Fire hath been converted ? Answer if you can ; by my Figgins , I believe it will trouble you so to do .

Well , I will dispatch , and tell you , that if you take of this Celestial Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the Body of the Defunct , and after that you shall have inwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely as you can the Corps of the said deceased Persons , and sowed up the Folding-sheet with thred of the same stuff , throw it into the Fire , how great or ardent soever it be it matters not a Straw , the Fire through this Pantagruelion will burn the Body , and reduce to Ashes the Bones thereof , and the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt , but also shall neither lose one Atom of the Ashes inclos'd within it , nor receive one Atom of the huge bustuary heap of Ashes resulting from the blazing Conflagration of things combustible laid round about it , but shall at last , when taken out of the Fire , be fairer , whiter , and much cleaner than when you did put it in at first : Therefore it is called Asbeston , which is as much to say as incombustible . Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia , as likeways in the Climate Diasienes , at very easie rates . O how rare and admirable a thing it is , that the Fire which devoureth , consumeth and destroyeth all such things else , should cleanse , purge and whiten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston ! If you mistrust the Verity of this Relation , and demand for further Confirmation of my Assertion a Visible Sign , as the Iews , and such incredulous Infidels use to do ; take a fresh Egg , and orbicularly ( or rather ovally ) infold it within this Divine Pantagruelion ; when it is so wrapped up , put it in the hot Embers of a Fire , how great or ardent soever it be , and having left it there as long as you will , you shall at last , at your taking it out of the Fire , find the Egg roasted hard , and as it were burnt , without any Alteration , Change , Mutation , or so much as a Calefaction of the Sacred Pantagruelion : For less than a Million of Pounds Sterling , modified , taken down and amoderated to the twelfth part of one Four Pence Half-penny Farthing , you are able to put it to a trial , and make Proof thereof .

Do not think to overmatch me here , by paragoning with it , in the way of a more eminent Comparison , the Salamander . That is a Fib ; for albeit a little ordinary Fire , such as is used in Dining-Rooms and Chambers , gladden , chear up , exhilerate and quicken it , yet may I warrantably enough assure , that in the flaming Fire of a Furnace , it will , like any other animated Creature , be quickly suffocated , choaked , consumed and destroyed . We have seen the Experiment thereof , and Galen many ages ago hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed it , Lib. 3. De tempora mentis . And Dioscorides maintaineth the same Doctrine , Lib. 2. Do not here instance in competition with this Sacred Herb the Feather Allum , or the wooden Tower of Pyrce , which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt ; for that Archelaus , Governour of the Town for Mithridates King of Pontus , had plaistered it all over on the out-side with the said Allum . Nor would I have you to compare therewith the Herb , which Alexander Cornelius called Fonem , and said that it had some resemblance with that Oak which bears the Misselto ; and that it could neither be consumed , nor receive any manner of prejudice by Fire , nor by Water , no more than the Misselto , of which was built ( said he ) the so renowned Ship Argos . Search where you please for those that will believe it , I in that Point desire to be excused . Neither would I wish you to parallel therewith ( although I cannot deny but that it is of a very marvellous Nature ) that sort of Tree which groweth alongst the Mountains of Brianson and Ambrun , which produceth out of his Root the good Agarick ; from its Body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent Rosin , that Galen hath been bold to equal it to the Turpentine : Upon the delicate Leaves thereof it retaineth for our use that sweet Heavenly Honey , which is called the Manna : And although it be of a gummy , oily , fat and greasie Substance , it is notwithstanding unconsumable by any Fire . It is in Greek and Latin called Larix . The Alpinesi name it Melze . The Antenotides and Venetians term it Larege ; which gave occasion to that Castle in Piedmont to receive the Denomination of Larignum , by putting Iulius Caesar to a stand at his return from amongst the Gauls .

Iulius Caesar commanded all the Yeomens , Boors , Hinds , and other Inhabitants in , near unto , and about the Alps and Piedmont , to bring all manner of Victuals and Provision for an Army to those places , which on the Military Road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching Soldiery ; to which Ordinance all of them were obedient , save only those as were within the Garrison of Larignum ; who , trusting in the natural Strength of the place , would not pay their Contribution . The Emperor purposing to chastise them for their refusal , caused his whole Army to march streight towards that Castle , before the Gate whereof was erected a Tower , built of huge big Sparrs and Rafters of the Larch Tree , fast bound together with Pins and Pegs of the same Wood , and interchangeably laid on one another , after the fashion of a Pile or Stack of Timber , set up in the Fabrick thereof to such an apt and convenient heighth , that from the Parapet above the Portcullis they thought with Stones and Leavers to beat off and drive away such as should approach thereto .

When Caesar had understood that the chief Defence of those within the Castle did consist in Stones and Clubs , and that it was not an easie matter to sling , hurl , dart , throw , or cast them so far as to hinder the Approaches , he forthwith commanded his Men to throw great store of Bavins , Faggots and Fascines round about the Castle ; and when they had made the Heap of a competent height to put them all in a fair Fire , which was thereupon incontinently done ; the Fire put amidst the Faggots was so great and so high , that it covered the whole Castle , that they might well imagine the Tower would thereby be altogether burnt to Dust , and demolished . Nevertheless , contrary to all their Hopes and Expectations , when the Flame ceased , and that the Faggots were quite burnt and consumed , the Tower appeared as whole , sound and entire as ever . Caesar , after a serious Consideration had thereof , commanded a Compass to be taken , without the distance of a Stone Cast from the Castle round about it there , with Ditches and Entrenchments to form a Blockade ; which when the Loringians understood , they rendred themselves upon Terms : And then , by a Relation from them it was that Caesar learned the admirable Nature and Vertue of this Wood ; which , of it self , produceth neither Fire , Flame nor Coal ; and would therefore in regard of that rare Quality of Incombustibility , have been admitted into this Rank and Degree of a true Pantagruelional Plant ; and that so much the rather , for that Pantagruel directed that all the Gates , Doors , Angiports , Windows , Gutters , frettized and embowed Seelings , Cans , and other whatsoever wooden Furniture in the Abby of Theleme should be all materiated of this kind of Timber ▪ He likeways caused to cover therewith the Sterns , Stems , Cook-rooms or Laps , Hatches , Decks , Coursies , Bends and Walls of his Carricks , Ships , Gallioons , Galays , Brigantins , Foysts , Frigates , Crears , Barks , Floyts , Pinks , Pinnaces , Huys , Catches , Capers , and other Vessels of his Thalassian Arcenal ; were it not that the Wood or Timber of the Larch-tree , being put within a large and ample Furnace full of huge vehemently flaming Fire , proceeding from the Fuel of other sorts and kinds of Wood , cometh at last to be corrupted , consumed , dissipated and destroyed , as are Stones in a Lime-kill : But this Pantagruelion Asbestin is rather by the Fire renewed and cleansed , than by the Flames thereof consumed or changed . Therefore , Arabians , Indians , Sabaeans , Sing not in Hymns and Io Paeans ; Your Incense , Myrrh , or Ebony : Come , here , a nobler Plant to see ; And carry home , at any rate , Some Seed , that you may propagate . If in your Soil it takes , to Heaven A thousand thousand Thanks be given ; And say with France , it goodly goes Where the Pantagruelion grows .

The End of the Third Book .

THE TABLE OF THE FIRST PART . THE Author's Prologue . Page 1. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua . Chap. 1. p. 1 The Antidoted Conundrums found in an ancient Monument . ch. 2. p. 5 How Gorgantua was carried eleven Months in his Mothers Belly . ch. 3. p 9 How Gargamelle , being big with Gargantua , did eat a huge deal of Tripe . ch. 4. p. 12 How they chirped over their Cups . ch. 5. p. 14 How Gargantua was born in a strange manner . ch. 6. p. 19 After what manner Gargantua had his Name given him ; and how he tipled , bibbed and curried the Can. ch. 7. p 23 How they apparelled Gargantua . ch. 8. p. 26 The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua . ch. 9 p. 31 Of that which is signified by the Colours White and Blew . ch. 10. p. 35 Of the youthful Age of Gargantua ch. 11. p. 41 Of Gargantua's wooden Horses . ch. 12. p. 45 How Gargantua's wonderful Understanding became known to his Father Grangousier , by the Invention of a Torchcul or Wipe-breech . ch. 13. p. 49 How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister . ch. 14. p. 55 How Gargantua was put under other Schoolmasters . ch. 15. p. 58 How Gargantua was sent to Paris , and of the huge great Mare that he rode on : How she destroyed the Ox-flies of the Beauce . ch. 16 p. 61 How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians , and how he took away the great Bells of our Ladies Church . ch. 17. p. 64 How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great Bells . ch. 18. p. 67 The Harangue of Mr. Jonatus de Bragmardo , for the recovery of the Bells . ch. 19. p. 69 How the Sophister carried away his Cloath , and how he had a Suit in Law against the other Masters . ch. 20. p. 72 The Study of Gargantua , according to the Discipline of his School-masters the Sophisters . ch. 21. p. 76 The Games of Gargantua . ch. 22. p. 80 How Gargantua was instructed by Ponnocrates , and in such sort disciplinated , that he lost not one hour of the day . ch. 23. p. 86 How Gargantua spent his time in rainy Weather . ch. 24. p. 97 How there was great Strife and Debate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne , and those of Gargantua's Country ; whereupon were waged great Wars . ch. 25. p. 100 How the Inhabitants of Lerne , by the Commandment of Picrochole their King , assaulted the Shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden . ch. 26. p. 105 How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closs of the Abby from being ravag'd by the Enemy . ch. 27. p. 108 How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond ; and of Grangousiers Unwillingness and Aversion from the Undertaking of War . ch. 28. p. 116 The Tenor of a Letter which Grangousier wrote to his Son Gargantua . ch. 29. p. 120 How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole . ch. 30. p. 122 The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole . ch. 31. p. 123 How Grangousier to buy Peace , caused the Cakes to be restored . ch. 32. p. 127 How some Ministers of Picrochole , by hair-brain'd Counsel put him in extream danger . ch. 33. p. 132 How Gargantua left the City of Paris to succour his Country , and how Gymnast encountred with the Enemy . ch. 34. p. 138 How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet , and others of Picrochole's Men. ch. 35. p. 141. How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede , and how they pass'd the Ford. ch. 36. p. 145 How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon Ball fall out of his Hair . ch. ●7 . p. 149 How Gargantua did eat up six Pilgrims in a Sallet . ch. 38. p. 152 How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua , and of the jovial Discourse they had at Supper . ch. 39. p. 156 Why Monks are the Out-casts of the World ; and wherefore some have bigger Noses than others . ch. 40. p. 161 How the Monk made Gargantua sleep , and of his Hours and Breviaries . ch. 41. p. 165 How the Monk encouraged his Fellow Champions , and how he hanged upon a Tree . ch. 43. p. 168 How the Scouts and Fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua , and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth , and then was taken Prisoner by his Enemies . ch. 43. p. 171 How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers , and how Pricochole's Forlorn Hope was defeated . ch. 44. p. 176 How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims , and of the good Words that Grangousier gave them . ch. 45. p. 179 How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet his Prisoner . ch. 46. p. 184 How Grangousier sent for his Legions , and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf , and was afterwards executed by the Command of Picrochole . ch. 47. p. 188 How Gargantua set upon Picrochole , within the Rock Clermond , and utterly defeated the Army of the said Picrochole . ch. 48. p. 192 How Picrochole in his Flight fell into great Misfortunes , and what Gargantua did after the Battle . ch. 49. p. 197 Gargantua's Speech to the Vanquished . ch. 50 p. 199 How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the Battle . ch. 51. p. 204 How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abby of Theleme . ch. 52. p. 207 How the Abby of Thelemites was Built and Endowed . ch. 53. p. 210 The Inscription set upon the great Gate of Theleme . ch. 54. p. 213 What manner of Dwelling the Thelemites had . ch. 55. p. 217 How the Men and Women of the Religious Order of Theleme were apparelled . ch. 56. p. 219 How the Thelemites governed , and of their manner of Living . ch. 57. p. 224 A Prophetical Riddle in the Style of Merly● . ch. 58. p. 227

The Table of the Second Part. THE Author's Prologue . Page 4 The Original and Antiquity of the great Pantagruel . ch. 9. p. 1 Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel . ch. 2. p. 17 Of the Grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the Decease of his Wife Badebec . ch. 3. p. 22 Of the Infancy of Pantagruel . ch. 4. p. 26 Of the Acts of the Noble Pantagruel in his youthful Age. ch. 5. p. 33 How Pantagruel met with a Limousin , who affected to speak in Learned Phrase . ch. 6 p. 36 How Pantagruel came to Paris , and of the choice Books of the Library of St. Victor . ch. 7. p. 40 How Pantagruel being at Paris , received Letters from his Father Gargantua , and the Copy of them . ch. 8. p. 48 How Pantagruel found Panurge , whom he loved all his Life-time . ch. 9. p. 57 How Pontagruel decided a Cause which was wonderfully intricate and obscure ; whereby he was reputed to have a most admirable Iudgment . ch. 10. p. 64 How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without Advocates . ch. 11. p. 71 How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel . ch. 12. p. 77 How Pantagruel gave Iudgment upon the Difference of the two Lords . ch. 13. p. 84 How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks . ch. 15. p. 88 How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the Walls of Paris . ch. 15. p. 97 Of the Qualities and Conditions of Panurge . ch. 16. p. 104 How Panurge gained the Pardons , and married the old Women ; and of the Suit in Law which he had at Paris . ch. 17. p. 112 How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel , and was overcome by Panurge . ch. 18. p. 118 How Panurge put to a Non-plus the Englishman that argued by Signs . ch. 19. p. 126 How Thaumast relateth the Vertues and Knowledge of Panurge . ch. 20. p. 133 How Panurge was in Love with a Lady of Paris . ch. 21. p. 135 How Panurge served the Parisian Lady a trick that pleased her not very well . ch. 22. p. 141 How Pantagruel departed from Paris , hearing News that the Dipsodes had invaded the Land of the Amaurots : and the Cause wherefore the Leagues are so short in France . ch. 23. p. 146 A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris ; together with the Exposition of a Posy , written in a Gold Ring . ch. 24. p. 148 How Panurge , Carpalin , Eusthenes and Epistemon ( the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel ) vanquished and discomfited Six hundred and threescore Horsmen very cunningly . ch. 25. p. 154 How Pantagruel and his Company were weary in eating still salt Meats : and how Carpalin went a hunting to have some Venison . ch. 26. p. 158 How Pantagruel set up one Trophy in memorial of their Valour , and Panurge another in remembrance of the Hares . How Pantagruel likewise with his Farts begat little Men , and with his Fisgs little Women . And how Panurge broke a great Staff over two Glasses . ch 27. p. 163 How Pantagruel got the Victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the Giants . c 28. p. 167 How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone , and Loupgarou their Captain . ch. 29. p. 174 How Epistemon , who had his Head cut off , was finely handled by Panurge ; and of the News which he brought from the Devils , and damned People in Hell . ch. 30. p. 182 How Pantagruel entred into the City of the Amaurots , and how Panurge married K. Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag , and made him a Crier of Green-sauce . ch. 31. p. 193 How Pantagruel with his Tongue covered a whole Army , and what the Author saw in his Mouth . ch. 33. p. 197 How Pantagruel became sick , and the manner how he was recovered . ch. 33. p. 202 The Conclusion of this present Book , and the Excuse of the Author . ch. 34. p. 205.

The Table of the Third Part. THE Author's Prologue . Page 1 How Pantagruel transported a Colony of Utopians into Dypsodie . ch. 1. p. 18 How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygoudin in Dypsodie , and did waste his Revenew before it came in . ch. 2. p. 26 How Panurge praiseth the Debtors and Borrowers . ch. 3. p. 34 Panurge continueth his Discourse in the praise of Borrowers and Lenders . ch. 4. p. 44 How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the Debtors and Borrowers . ch. 5. p. 51 Why new married Men were priviledged from going to the Wars . ch. 6. p. 56 How Panurge had a Flea in his Ear , and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent Codpiece . ch. 7. p. 61 Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief piece of Armour amongst Warriours . ch. 8. p. 67 How Panurge asketh Counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry , yea or no ch. 9. p. 74 How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving Advice in the matter of Marriage ; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homerick and Virgilian Lotteries . ch. 10. p. 80 How Pantagruel sheweth the Trials of ones Fortune by the throwing of Dice to be unlawful . ch. 11. p. 88 How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian Lottery what Fortune Panurge shall have in his Marriage . ch. 12. p. 92 How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his Marriage by Dreams . ch. 13. p. 100 Panurge's Dream , with the Interpretation thereof . ch. 14. p. 112 Panurge's Excuse and Exposition of the Monastick mystery concerning Pouder'd Beef . ch. 15. p. 124 How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust . ch. 16. p. 130 How Panurge spoke to the Sybil of Panzoust . ch. 17. p. 137 How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversly expound the Verses of the Sybil of Panzoust . ch. 18. p. 144 How Pantagruel praiseth the Counsel of dumb Men. ch. 19. p. 153 How Goatsnose by Signs maketh answer to Panurge . ch. 20. p. 162 How Panurge consulteth with an old French Poet , named Raminagrobis . ch. 21. p. 171 How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the begging Friars . ch. 22. p. 178 How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis . ch. 23. p. 183 How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon . c. 24. p. 194 How Panurge consulted with Her Trippa . c. 25. p. 201 How Panurge consulted with Friar Ihon of the Funnels . ch. 26 p. 212 How Friar Ihon merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge . ch. 27. p. 220 How Friar Ihon comforteth Panurge in the doubtfull matter of Cuckoldry . ch. 28. p. 227 How Pantagruel convocated together a Theologian , Physician , Lawyer and Philosopher for extricating of Panurge out of the Perplexity wherein he was . ch. 28. p. 242 How the Theologue , Hippothadee , giveth Counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his Nuptial Enterprize . ch. 30. p. 247 How the Physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge . ch. 31. p. 225 How Rondibilis declareth Cuckoldry to be naturally one of the Appendances of Marriage . ch. 32. p. 267 Rondibilis the Physicians Cure of Cuckoldry . ch. 33. p. 276 How Women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited . ch. 34. p. 283 How the Philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of Marriage . ch. 35. p. 291 A Continuation of the Answer of the Ephectick and Pyrronian Philosopher Trouillogan . ch. 36. p. 196 How Pantagruel perswaded Panurge to take Counsel of a Fool. ch. 37. p. 307 How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge . ch. 38. p. 315 How Pantagruel was present at the Tryal of Iudge Bridlegoose , who decided Causes and Controversies in Law by the Chance and Fortune of the Dice . ch. 39. p. 322 How Bridlegoose giveth Reasons , why he looked upon those Law-Actions which he decided by the Chance of the Dice . ch. 40. p. 328 How Bridlegoose relateth the History of the Reconcilers of Parties at variance in matters of Law . ch. 42. p. 334 How Suits at Law are bred at first , and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth . ch. 42. p. 343 How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of Sentencing Actions at Law by the Chance of the Dice . ch. 43. p. 352 How Pantagruel relateth a strange History of the Perplexity of Humane Iudgment . ch. 44. p. 358 How Panurge taketh Advice of Triboulet . c. 45. p. 365 How Pantagruel and Panurge dive sly interpret the Words of Triboulet . ch. 46. p. 373 How Pantagruel nnd Panurge resolved to make a Visit to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle . ch. 47. p. 376 How Gargantua sheweth , that the Children ought not to marry without the special Knowledge and Advice of their Fathers and Mothers . ch. 48. p. 381 How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to Sea ; and of the Herb named Pantagruelion . ch. 49. p 394 How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought . ch. 50. p. 403 Why it is called Pantagruelion , and of the admirable Vertues thereof . ch. 51. p 408 How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature , that Fire is not able to consume it . c. 52. p. 421

FINIS .

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