The coffee scuffle, occasioned by a contest between a learned knight, and a pitifull pedagogue. With the character of a coffee-house. Woolnoth, fl. 1662. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription B06705 of text R186857 in the English Short Title Catalog (Wing W3528). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 23 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 10 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2018 B06705 Wing W3528 ESTC R186857 52529128 ocm 52529128 179285 2240895339

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 Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 2, no. B06705) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 179285) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English Books, 1641-1700 ; 2782:9) The coffee scuffle, occasioned by a contest between a learned knight, and a pitifull pedagogue. With the character of a coffee-house. Woolnoth, fl. 1662. [18] p. Printed and are to be sold at the Latine Coffee House near the Stocks, Lodon [sic] : 1662. "Satirical verses, said to have been made by Woolnoth on Sir J. Langham and Evans, a Schoolmaster"--BM. Reproduction of the original in the University of Texas, Austin Library. eng Langham, James, -- Sir, 1620?-1699. Coffeehouses -- England -- Poetry -- 17th century. Verse satire, English -- 17th century. eebo The coffee scuffle, occasioned by a contest between a learned knight, and a pitifull pedagogue. With The character of a coffee-house. Woolnoth, 1662 20 3501 1 0 0 0 0 0 2.86 B The rate of 2.86 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2012-04 Assigned for keying and markup 2012-05 Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2012-06 Sampled and proofread 2012-06 Text and markup reviewed and edited 2013-02 Batch review (QC) and XML conversion

THE Coffee Scuffle , Occasioned by a CONTEST Between a Learned Knight , AND A Pitifull Pedagogue . WITH The Character of a COFFEE-HOUSE .

printer's or publisher's device

LODON , Printed and are to be sold at the Latine Coffee House near the Stocks . 1662.

THE Coffee Scuffle . [1] OF Gyants and Knights , and their terrible Fights We have stories enough in Romances , Of Hercule's Beam , and one ey'd Polipheme , With Don Quixot's attempts and mischances : [2] But Il' tell you a tale , worth a Noggin of Ale Of a Combate was lately begun Between a brave Knight , and a pitiful Wight That out of th' Arena did run . [3] I was t'other day , in a place as they say Where Doctors and Schollars assemble : Where the folk do speak , nought but Latin & Greek O'twould make a poor Vicar to tremble ! [4] For hither resort , a throng of each sort , Some clad in blew-aprons , some sattin ; And each Prentice-boy , and brave Hobedehoi Doth call for his Coffee in Latine . [5] But did you but hear , their Latin I fear , You 'd laugh till you 'd burst your brechees ; To see with what state , they break Prissians pate And yet do but scratch where it itches . [6] One talks , I suppose , of Ovid's great Nose , With a Bridge as broad as Biliad ; A third breaks his tooth , with cracking forsooth a nutshel to get out an Iliad . [7] One stands on his head , so Statesmen are said To kick their heels up in the Air Another I le be swore , doth crawle on all four , And lick up the dust with great care . [8] The former man he , cries up Philosophy Admireth brave Euclid , Discartis ; The one he crumps roots , and the other he moots , And he 's a good Lawyer , a fart he 'is . [9] The one talks of News , the other of Stews , And a third of pick-pockets and Bears , A fourth doth always curse Masques , Balls and Plays Great Belzebubs markets he swears . [ 10 ] One loves Mathematicks , the other Fanaticks Store of Mercuries here to be found ; A third 's for a Lecture , a fourth a Conjecture , A fift for a penny in the pound . [ 11 ] One Quack doth pretend to foretell the last end , Of Antichrist even to an hour ; And dares to prefix the year sixty six As the period of the Beasts power . [ 12 ] The one is for canting the other for ranting , With laughing indangers his crupper ; A fourth 's for a Fast , eight hours to last But with a good Breakfast and Supper . [ 13 ] The one bids apox , upon Beza and Knox And the rest of that damnable Crew , Crys up Blundel and Grotius , Arminius and Vossius As the Doctors that only speak true . [ 14 ] Another's for Lockier , sweet Powel and Knocker , Brother Jesse and honey mouth'd Brook , Who 's a license of late , to break Prissians pate And say that his Printer mistook . [ 15 ] Some are for Taylor , and some are for Naylor And others do cry up the Whipper ; A third is for Kiffin , a fourth is for Giffin , And a fifth for Paul Hobs the Dipper . [ 16 ] One's for a Teazar , anothers for Keyser , A third doth his Gildas adore , The Countesses Usher , and Babylons pusher That can't pay his debts he 's so poor . [ 17 ] Which was the viler , Jack Straw or Wat Tyles , Or the mad Fifth-monarchy vermine ? Whether Harringtons Rota or Boyls Vertuosa Be the nobler design they determine ? [ 18 ] Other sit and tell tales , of Wakes and Wisson Ales , and the Whore of Romes bauble the Maypole , The rest vent their whimseys , concerning the Chimneys , upon which the Parliament lay tole . [ 19 ] And others I find do discourse of the Wind , And how the Trees kickt up their heels : How Christ Church at Norwich , the Busses at Harwich was blown down , and turn'd up their keels . [ 20 ] How the Countryman smil'd to see 's Cock-loft until'd and the Sun peep thorough the rafters , And how 't blew the rug , from off Robin and Jug , and turn'd to pseturvey the Wafters . [ 21 ] The one swaggers and swears , against Altars and prayers And blesseth the Convocation ; Saith 't is a bad wirk , to make costive the Kirk , Conformitie's no Reformation . [ 22 ] There are many that fear , the plague will be here Before the fourth next month is over . Another says may this choke me , if Corbet and Okey And Barkstead an 't landed at Dover . [ 23 ] The one see 's an Asse within a fine glass , And smickers and grins at the same ; And wonders I swear which way he came there , Into that fine Ebony frame . [ 24 ] The other talks louder , for Sr. Kenelms powder ; more sovereign than that of Steel , Makes use of the fiction of pitifull Ixion , And alwaies is turning the wheel . [ 25 ] The one he doth smoke , and the other good foke , Say Tobacco's a stinking vapour ; Another can dandle , a Theife in a Candle , But crucifie Christ in a Taper . [ 27 ] And thus are they all , both great , wise and small ' Ingag'd in such tattle if not worse : And evr'y one doth speak , like the members of Feak , or the Gossips that follow a Course . [ 28 ] The Hoast on my Soul 's an ingenious Pole , Like John in the Wildernesse di'ght , The man is so pirt , and his loynes are begirt , And the Locusts swarm there every night . [ 29 ] Good Coffee he draws , and shirbets because , They 'r pleasant , and sweet Chockalet , The former doth spe'd all fumes from the head , And the last makes the P — to curvet . [ 30 ] No sack is here drunk , her 's no Baud , Whore or Punk But pimping fanaticks good store : The Stocks are too neer , for good Ale , and strong Beer And the Counter to keepe'r a Whore . [ 31 ] Here come loyal Souls , and fanaticall Fools , The sons both of God and the Devil : Where Loyalists brew , there fanaticks bake too , And the good will be mixt with the evil . [ 35 ] Yet none of them dare speak Latine I swear , But a Quack , the more is the wonder : And a dull Pedagog with a snout lik a hogg , And a face as flat as a Flounder . [ 36 ] He whips his boyes Asses and tickles their Tasses , Sees which is a man which a woman : And the poor Schollars nock , is his Dyal and Clock ; But his own pocky nose is the Gnomon . [ 37 ] He sits like a King , a Tyrannical thing , His Desk is his Chair and his Throne : His Scepters a rod , and his globe is a clod , And an old Oxford Custard his Crown . [ 38 ] Verses and Theams , the petitions it seems , which the Shcollars do bring , and he teares : And whether he doth break , I cannot well speak , Poor prissians pate oftner or Theirs . [ 39 ] The Welsh man Cot tam her , doth Kenn not the Desires Ap Williams direction , Grammar : His mony he earns , but the first thing her learns , I dare say is an Interjection . [ 40 ] But if so be some of his Schollars are com'e , To that part , which is called Syntaxe ; The Concords do reach to the Rod and the Breech , And figura is read on their backs . [ 41 ] He ha's a forehead of brass , and eares like an Ass And he uses the Welshmans houlter : His nose and his snout , jet forth like a spout , Or if you please like a Plow Coulter . [ 42 ] His breath's muckle strong , and his eye brows are long , Yet hath never a hair on his chin : His wide mouth hath swallow'd his cheeks that are hollow'd And his bones do crump in his skin . [ 43 ] His eyes are as little as those of a Beetle , But O when he fettles to speak : I dare say you may welly , look into his belly , Another devils arse a peeke . [ 44 ] His breath would even fill , a sail drive a mil , His Countenance hollow and meager ; Yet his buttocks below , very liking do show , And his stomach is coming and eager . [ 45 ] His face doth look Callous , like one dropt from the Gallows , Or some of your Newgate Cattel , But when he speaks plumbs , fill his wizzin and gums I 'd as live hear my Grannums breach twattle . [ 46 ] The man would be kickt , that should think him a pickt : For all his thin jaws and course grain , Since the Carrets I trow that do on his head grow , Do rather declare him a Dane . [ 47 ] He hath never a beard , and wel't may be fear'd , That the Gentleman wants a Bobin , Let me be asperst if hee 's not hoperarc't , Like Aniseed water Robin . [ 48 ] He 's a Batchelor , as some do aver , And solitarily doth live : He 's too nee'r on my life , to marry a wife , Too gluttoning chastly to live . [ 49 ] Whither 's hand , or his foot , his glove or his boot Are the bigest I cannot well tell : Or which of the two make the greatest adoe , I ken not the dog or his bell . [ 50 ] Should Egypt I say , thy face but survey , Thy ugliness they would adore : And think thee some odde , old Memphian god , Found lately cast upon the shoar . [ 51 ] Let Africa see her Monsters in thee , The Crocked'ile , Pardus , and Iaccall : A kennel of those , doth thy person disclose , More deformed then those that are black all . [ 52 ] Sure the Curtaines were rung , with monsters were hung , Or thy Father and Mother were Meager ; So Dames heretofore , by phancying a More , Have been brought to bed of a Neager . [ 53 ] He 's a Socinian in some mens opinion , Denyes the divinity of our Saviour : But I am sure He , hath no humanity , If I understand but behaviour . [ 54 ] One night above others he met his gude Brothers , And down to the Table he sits : Falls a talking of Latine , like ruffling of Satine , Excepting his hums , and his hits . [ 55 ] It chanced that night , that a Learned Knight , The glory and shame of the Citty , Came into the Room as he used to come , A person both serious and witty . [ 56 ] Rome never did know , nor Athens I trow , One speak pvrer Latine and Greek , If Tully were here , or Demosthenes neer , They could not more fluently speak . [ 57 ] That Schollars are Clowns , and slovings in Gowns My Grannum I oft have heard say ; Call 'em blunt tooles , and dogmaticall fooles , Good only to preach and to pray . [ 58 ] But Sir I is a Shollar , I l wage you a doller , A Gentleman both born and bred : Bloud , vertue , or either , no buskin or feather , Have made him to be so I ded. [ 59 ] Tapsters and Groomes , and men that sell broomes , Did see his accomplishments thorough , And had not the spie been blind with one eye , He had been Burgess for the Burrough . [ 60 ] Yet nevertheless none but will confess , Sir I's of a generous temper : Who know's how to obey , can rule I dare say , Subjectio'ns the way to an Empire . [ 61 ] The Knight , of no worse did begin to discourse , then of books and of Tongues and of arts : But first in the way he a Query did lay , And after his judgment imparts . [ 62 ] His Queries were not such as Harrington wrote , That deserved a frown and a search : Nor were they indeed such as Captain Mead , Did make at St. Alhallows Church . [ 63 ] The query was this , what the reason is , That Holland , a thick and gross aire , Should breed as good wits , if not better by hits , Than England a Region more fair : [ 64 ] He instanc'd in Vossius , Erasmus , and Grotius , In Heinsius and Schurman the wonder : Spanhemius , Barleus , Vanhelmout , Walleus , Whose fame hath resounded like Thunder . [ 65 ] But Grotius alone , is sufficiently known , Great Master of Tongues , and of Arts ; Whom Papists deplore , Protestants adore , For his profound learning and parts . [ 66 ] Grotius , whose Name , on the wings of fame , Hath been carried where Grotius is dumb : The talk of these dayes the wonder and maze , Of all generations to come . [ 67 ] Athens and Syracuse , Smarta , and famous Greece , Jerusalem live in his story : And he that shall read his Latine indeed , Will swear he sees Rome in his glory . [ 68 ] His Poems do prove how the Muses did love , The babe , when it lay in its Cradle ; How they hung like fond bees , on his lips and his knees As Historians of Plato do fable . [ 69 ] Before ever ( we know ) that Grotius could goe , Or the least of a man could discover : His fancie and wit on Poeticall feet , Had travel'd the Vniverse over . [ 70 ] Princes and great ones , owe their Scepters and Crownes , To him for his learned defence , Of their honour , and power , the Buckler and Tower Of Monarchy , Allegiance . [ 71 ] Who see 's not his learning hath little discerning , Bu't as blind as an Owle or a Widgon ; Dull Atheist for why , who his worth doth deny , Must also the Truth of Religion . [ 72 ] But least I should stain , should wound or prophane , So precious and sacred a thing , As Grotius , his name , by blending the same , With such trifles as these that I bring . [ 73 ] I le leave him to rest after stormes at the best , Good marble lie light on his head : Holland brags of his birth , and France of his earth , And the World of his bookes it is said . [ 75 ] But the shade dogs the Sun , and the dog bates the Moon No vertue without its disgraces : Though such stories and flams , are but foiles unto Gems , Or black patches to beautiful faces . [ 76 ] The Thredbeare pedant , gan to strut and to vaunt , Cals Grotius , a Gobernole Preist ; A rotten Arminian , and wicked Socinian , And the short pushing Horne of the Beast . [ 77 ] Base vile Runegado , franciscan Bravado , Idolater , Cavaleer , what not : Apostate , bad liver , and reprobate silver , And the stripling his Second a hot shot . [ 78 ] His Discourses are weak , and his Arguments eke , But his Tenents and principles Hideous , His Lattine withal and his eloquence small , But his pride and ambition prodigious . [ 79 ] Nor doth he admire Hugo or the Squire , But rather demires them both : Gramercy good Joke , t is a quible is spoke , And the man is a wit by my troth . [ 80 ] But such was the sting of the zealous thing , That he called as many bad names , As the Papists did Parry , the monk did Old Harry , And the boatswain the Billings-gate dames . [ 81 ] Sir I doth ingage , ' thought passion or rage , To vindicate Grotius his fame ; But as for him●elf let the whippiting elfe , Talk himself out of breath a Gods name . [ 82 ] T is beneath a great Soul , to regard what a fool His person or learning shall stile , From a Hector or Drab , 't would call for a stab From a Gentleman only a smile . [ 83 ] A smile sometime will , as fatally kill as a Poniard , a Sword or a Dagger , Not to mind or regard , an affront's a reward Sufficient to make a fool swagger . [ 84 ] His blood was too thin , and his person too mean to merit revenge from Sir J. His boys shall chastise , his base contumelies ; what Eagle will cope with a Flye ? [ 85 ] Let the dogs bough-wough soon , our Knight like the Moon shall move in his orbe and his sphear , His fame shall be hurl'd , thorough the Brittish world and his light maugre clouds shall appear . [ 86 ] Sharpe tongues , blubber lips , no more can eclipse his worth then a punctum of earth , Then a cloud or a shade , can skreen and invade the Sun in his glory and mirth . [ 87 ] Let E. and his train go learn Cato again , and then let 'em come and discourse ; Though the Coffee-house can't of much complement vant yet its dialect is not so course . [ 88 ] But who would have thought , that a business of should occasion such words with a p — nought When 't was only I trow , which should uppermost go An English tale or Butterbox . [ 89 ] Sir J. God forbid , he did no way recede from Nature , from Honor or Reason : Nor did he forswear his own Climate and air , which would amount almost to treason . [ 90 ] He acknowledged then , that no learneder men have ever been bred on the main , Then have flourisht some while in this troublesom Isle and may so for all this again . [ 91 ] Yet 't is justice say you , to give all men their due , Hugo Grotius wrote rarely well , And what we can't reach to condemn and impeach is the pride of the Angels that fell . [ 92 ] Then let pitiful E crouch down on his knee , and to the Knight pardon implore : His boys you may swear , with many a tear for lesser mistakes have done more . [ 93 ] So thus together they came , like two Cocks of the game , But what was the issue say you sirs ? E. had the best beak , if I may so speak , But Sir J. had the sharper Spurs . FINIS .