A TORY is a Monster with an English Face , a French Heart , and an Irish Conscience . A Creature of a Large Forehead , Prodigious Mouth , Supple Hams , and no Brains .

The Country-mans Description of him , was both Rhyme and Reason ; Roary , Whorey , Sworey , Scorey , That 's a TOREY :

For Noise and Debauchery , Oathes and Beggary , are the Four Elements that Compose him : His Arms are those of Issacher , An Ass Couchant ; and his Mark is a Red-Ribbon in his Capp , to shew , That he belongs to the Scarlet Whore , by her Bloody Livery ; or else , you may take it for a Wedding favour , That whenever Popery and Tyranny shall make a Match , he would fain be a Bride-man .

He seems Descended from Esau , since he is so ready to Truck away an Invaluable Birthright for a French Kickshaw , and a Nauseous Mess of Italian Pottage . Or if you will run his Pedigree higher , you may call him a Noddite , one of the Race of Cain the Murderer , that would fain be Persecuting his Brother , meerly because he is more Righteous than Himself .

Take our TORIES in the State , and they are Caterpillers that Devour every Green thing in a Flourishing Kingdom , and would Stab Liberty and Property to the Heart , That they themselves , like Beasts of Prey , might live wholly upon Spoil and Rapine ; fit only to be Subjects to Nebuchadnezzar , when bereav'd of Human Sence , he Hearded with the Wild Asses of the Desert . Though they boast themselves Englishmen , yet they Act in all things as Antipodes to their Native Country ; and seem rather Bog-trotters Transplanted , the Spawn of some Red-shanks , or the By-blows of the Old Lazy Lord-Danes , that once Domineer'd over our Ancestors : They are a sort of Wild Boars , that would root out the Constitution , and break the Ballance of our happy Government ; and render that Despotick , which hitherto has been both Established and bounded by Law . Fauxes in Masquerade , that with Dark-lanthorn Polices , would at once blow up the Two Bulwarks of our Freedom , PARLIAMENTS and JVRIES ; making the First , only a Parliament of Paris : and the Latter , but meer Tools , to Eccho back the pleasure of a Judge . They are so certain , That Monarchy is Jure Divino ; That they look upon all People living under Aristocracys , or Democracys , to be in a State of Dammation . And fancie , That the Grand Seignior , the Czar of Muscovy , and the French King dropt down from Heaven with Crowns on their Heads , and that all their Subjects were Born with Saddles on their Backs . Your True TORY is as fond of Slavery , as others are of Liberty , and will be at as much Pains and Charge to obtain it ; for he Envies the Happiness of Canvas Breeches and Wooden Shoes ; and extreamly Admires the Mercy of the Inquisition . He Rails at Magna Charta as the Seed-plot of Sedition ; Swears , That it was first obtained by Rebellion , and that all our Fore-fathers were Rogues and Fools , and did not understand Prerogative . He wonders , why People should squander away their time at the Inns of Court , or what need there is either of the Common Law , or the Statute-Book , the King might at any time , with quicker dispatch declare his Pleasure in any Point or Controversie , and each Loyal Subject were bound to Acquiesce , on pain of Damnation . Yet after all , his boasted Loyalty extends no further than a Drunken Health ; He Roars and Swaggers , but does not Serve the King : He promises Mountains , and by Lies and Misrepresentations , gives False Measures , but performs nothing : Nor is it the Cause , but the Crust , that he Barks for .

Then in Relation to the Church , — TORY is either a Crab-Protestant , that crawls backwards as fast as he can to Rome ; or at best , but the Catts-foot wherewith the Romish Monkeys Claw the Protestant Religion till the Blood comes : one that does their Drugery though he has not always the Wit to see it , and all the Wages he must expect , is Polypheme's Curtesie , To be Devoured Last . He is a Flambeau kindled by the Jesuits , and flung in , to make a Combustion amongst us . Whilst we were Hunting down their Plot with a full Cry , they slipt in this Deep-mouth'd Hound , who spending on a false Scent diverted the Chase , and so the Popish Puss squats safe in her Form : and now quitting the Pursuit of the Foxes , he begins to Worry the Sheep . He pretends high for the Church of England ; but as he understands not her Doctrin , so he Dishonours her by his Lewd Conversation : What a pretty Pious Confession of Faith is it , to hear a Bully Cry , — God-Dam-Mce , I am of the Church of England , and all the Presbyterians are Sons of Whores . Indeed , the only proof both of his Religion and Courage , is , That he Swears most frequently by that Tremendous Name , at which , lesser Devils Tremble : and his Christianity consists in Cursing all those that he is pleased to call Phanaticks , and Phanaticks he calls all those , that are not content to be either Papists or Atheists . His Tongue is always Tipt with Dam — mee , and Forty one ; and so hot , ( being set on Fire of Hell ) that he is fain to drink Healths , ( sometimes to the Pope , and sometimes to the Devil , ) Sixty times an Hour to quench it ; and then Belches out Huzza's as fast , as Mount Strombulo does Fire and Brimstone .

Whilst he Clamours at Dissenters for not coming to Church , he thinks 't is Canonical enough to Sleep over the Lordsday to Digest the Fumes of Saturdays Debauch , or take a walk in Guild-Hall-yard , peep in at the Preacher , and presently Retire to the Tavern for a whet to Dinner , or else to meet the Club of Witty Good-mockers by Fleet-Ditch side , and Droll away the day in Blasphemy , Ridiculing Religious Duties , or Inventing Jack-Pudding Lies of some pretended Nonconformists Preaching . If he be somewhat of a more Serious Temper , he is as very a superstitious Bigot , as any in the Papacy , he would rather have no Preaching than that the Surplic● should be left off , and thinks his Child not 〈…〉 it be not done with the sign of the Cro●s , he counts Opus operatum ●●cient , and if he have but been at Common-Prayer , and made his Responses loud enough to drown the Clark , and had the Parsons Blessing , his Task is done and all is safe . Flesh on a Friday is more Abomination to Him , than his Neighbours Bed , and he Abhors more not to Bow at the Syllables of the word Jesus , than to Swear by the name of God .

He has got a New English Dictionary Framed by the Indefatigable Skill of Heraclitus and the Observator , whereby he Traversties the most Loyal honest Sense into Blasphemy and Treason . Talk soberly of Religion , and he Elaps you over the Face with Heresy , Schism , Fanaticism and Faction , or roundly calls you Confounded Whigg , and so you are Confuted . Urge never so modestly Legal Fundamental Rights , and mention Irregularities , though in a place appointed to Remedy them , he cries out , Rebellion ! Treason ! You Depose the King ! You Arraign the Government &c. Mention the Commons of England and the General Sense of the Nation , and he exclaims , Dam the Mobile and your Appeals to the Rabble ; And yet at the same time Courts and Applauds Tagg Ragg and Long-tail , the Cooks and Chandlers of New Sarum , and such other Worshipful Patriots , for declaring their three half-penny Judgments of the highest Affairs of State , in their Addresses . And as for the two last Parliaments , every petty Chap-man , or Apprentice-Boy , takes upon him to Censure the grave Proceedings of those Venerable Senates , as malepartly as if they had been but a Company of Fidlers .

Yet still he fears not God , so much as a Parliament : But the reason why he Blasphemes the one , and Rails at the other , is because as he really beleives not a Future Judgment in the other World , So he puts far off the other ( to him ) evil day in this , and hopes to Escape the Justice of both , by the Mediation of Saint Noli Prosequi .