1 AN idle justice of Peace is like the picture of Saint George upon a signe-post with his sword drawne to no purpose .

2 Hee that speakes great gunpowder words may be compared to a deepe mouth'd Dogge , or bee sayd to have a tympany in his tongue .

3 A Souldier said hee had been in so many battels and had been so battered with bullets that hee swore hee thought hee had a mine of lead in his belly .

4 Lovers oathes are like marryners prayers , when once the heate is over , they are not the same men .

5 Women are like dead bodies for surgeons to worke upon , because they tell a man his imperfections .

6 Musitians may be compared unto Camelions , because they live by ayre .

7 One said it was a difficult thing to perswade a multitude ( especially in a City where they are for the most part strongheaded ) to any reason .

8 One was called foole for asking what Country man a ploughman was because it is knowne said one they were all borne in Hungarie .

9 One asked a man whether he had swallowed a Doctor of Phisickes bill , because hee spoke such hard words .

10 The Philosophers stone had need turne all mettals to gold , because the study of it turnes all a mans gold to other mettall .

11 One asked a poet where his wits were , hee answered a woolgathering , the other replyed there was no people had more need of it .

12 One asked whence choller was discended , one answered that shee was the daughter of a great mans porter begot of a kitchin wench in the time of a feast .

13 One asked another why hee loved woodcoke so extreamly , the other answered why not I as well as you , for I am sure you never go abroad but you carry one under your cloake .

14 One asked why a Knight tooke place of a Gentleman , it was answered because they were Knights now a days before they were Gentlemen .

15 One said the midwives trade of all trades was most commendable , because they lived not by the hurts of other men , as Surgeons do ; nor by the falling out of friends as Lawyers do : but by the agreement betwixt party and party .

16 One said a good Client was like a study gown , that sits in the cold himselfe to keepe his Lawyer warme .

17 One said the fees of a pander and a punie clarke are much alike , for the pander had but two pence next morning for making the bed and that was a penny a sheet .

18 A woman was commending a boyes face , pish quoth another give me a mans face , a boyes face is not worth a haire .

19 One compar'd a dominering fellow to a walking Spurre , that keeps a great jingling noise but never pricks .

20 One said it was unfit a glasier should be a Constable because he was a common quarreller .

21 One said he had received a shee-letter , because saith he it hath a young one in the belly of it .

22 One asked the reason why Lawyers Clearks writ such wide lines , another answered it was done to keepe the peace , for if the Plantiffe should be in one line and the Defendant in the next line , the lines being too neare together they might perhaps fall together by the eares .

23 One sayd hee was so tender hearted that he could not find in his heart to kill a louse , another answered that it proceeded only from faintheartednesse because hee had not the heart to see his own blood .

24 One said a rich widdow was like the rubbish of the world that helps only to stop the breaches of decayed houses .

25 A master spoke in a straine his servant understood not , whereupon the servant desired his Master rather to give him blowes then such hard words .

26 Those that say gallants put all upon their backs abuse them , for they spend a great deale more upon their bellies .

27 One said it was a strange fashion that we had in England to receive money with wives and give money for wenches , It was answered that in ancient time women were good and then men gave money for their wives , but now like light gold they would not passe without allowance .

28 One perswaded another to marry a whore because shee was rich , telling him that perhaps she might turne , turne said the other she hath been so much worne that she is past turning .

29 One put a jest upon his frend O said his friend that I could ●●t see your braines I would e●●n hug them for this jest .

30 One asked why Sextons did use to weare black , it was answered that in regard of their office they were to meddle with grave matters and did therfore weare black .

31 One seeing another weare a thred-bare cloake asked him whether his cloak was not sleepy or no , why do you aske said the other , because said hee I thinke it hath not had a nap this seven yeeres .

32 One asked what was the usuall food of citizens wives , it was answered , though they loved flesh beter then fish yet for temperance sake they would so dyet themselves that at noon they fed only upon carp , at night on cods-head , and when they went abroad a little place would content them better then any other thing .

33 One wondred much what great Scholler this same Finis was , because his name was almost to every booke .

34 One asked what he was that had a fine wit in jest , it was answered a foole in earnest .

35 One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of Teneriff ( which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the world ) asked him why he had not stayd there for he was perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe .

36 A Citizen begins a health to all the Cuckolds in the world , the Gentleman to whom the health was presented seeing him with his cap in his hand , said , what doe you mean Sir pray ye remember your selfe .

37 One asked a foot-boy why he was so affected with linnen stockings , he answered because he was troubled with running legges .

38 One sayd to another that his face was like a popish almanack all holydayes because it was full of pimples .

39 One sayd it was a good fashion that was worn now a dayes , because the Taylers had so contrived it that there was little or no waste in a whole suit .

40 One said a jellous wife was like an irish trouze alwayes close to a mans tayle .

41 One said an Apothecaryes house must needs be healthfull , because the windowes , benches boxes , and almost all the things in the house tooke physick .

42 One said a Physitian was naturall brother to the wormes , because he was ingendered out of mans corruption .

43 One gave a fellow a box on the eare , the fellow gave him another , what doe you meane ( sayd he that gave the first box ) I did not lend you a box , I freely gave it you , the other answer●● he was a gamster and had been alwayes us'd to pay the box .

44 A Gentleman that bore a spleene to another meets him ●n the street gives him a box on ●he eare , the other not willing ●o stricke againe puts it off with a jest asking him whether it was in jest or in earnest , the other answers it was in earnest , I am glad of that said he for if it had been in jest I should have been very angry , for I do not like such jesting , and so past away from him .

45 One that was justly jealous of his wife said prethee leave these courses , for if thou dost not they will ere it be long make me horne mad .

46 One sayd to a gentleman that was too full of complement pray you Sir do not spend so much wit , if you be so prodigall of it you will ere it be long have none left for your selfe .

47 There is nothing sayes one more revengfull then hemp , for if a man once beat it , especially in Bridewell , 't is a hundred to one but it will be the death of him shortly after .

48 Hee that sweares when he loseth his mony at gaming , may challeng hel by way of purchase .

49 One asked which were supposed to be the two fruitfulles● acres of ground in the whole Kingdome ? it was answered Westminster-Hall and the old Exchange .

50 It was asked why fat men did love their ease so much , because sayd one the soule in a fat body lyes soft and is therefore loath to rise .

51 One asked why yong Barristers used to stick their chamber windowes with letters , because said another it was the first thing that gave the world notice of their worships .

52 One having dranke a cup of ●ead beere , swore that the beer ●as more then fox'd , another ●emanding his reason quoth he ●ecause it is dead drunke .

53 Usurers live sayes one , by ●he fall of heires , like swine by ●he dropping of acorns .

54 One sayd a prodigall was like ● brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their cloathes .

55 One wondred what pleasan● kind of oratory the Pillory had in him , that men lov'd to hav● their eares nail'd to it .

56 One said suppose all the women in the world were like patient Grizell , then sayd another we might make Christmasbloks of the cucking-stooles .

57 An Antiquary says one loves every thing : ( as Dutch-men doe cheese ) for being mouldy and wormeaten .

58 One said a Player had an idle ●mployment of it , O you are mistaken sayd another for his whole life is nothing else but action .

59 One asked his friend how he should use tobacco so that it might do him good , he answered you must keepe a tobacco shop and sell it , for certainly there is none else find good in it .

60 A simple fellow in gay cloths sayes one , is like a Cinnamomtree the barke is of more worth then the body .

61 If a man be Cornelius sAyes one he must be Tacitus too otherwise he shall never live quietly .

62 One entreated a prisoner to do him a curtesie , telling him that hitherto he had found him a fast friend and he hoped hee should find him so still .

63 A Gentleman riding on the way would needs turne back to kisse his wife that was behinde him , he was therefore commended for a kind husband in regard he was before to kisse his wife behinde .

63 One asked whether such a man were wise or no , it was answered that he was otherwise .

64 One perswaded a Scholer that was much given to going abroad that he would put away his cushion and it would be a meanes to make him sit harder to his study .

66 One said poetry & plain dealing were a couple of hansom wenches , another answered yes but he that weds himselfe to either of them shall dye a begger .

67 One sayd he had heard the story of St. George how he kild the Draggon that would else have devoured the maide & did wonder that men would devise such lies , for saith he it is held by most men that there was never such a man as St. George , nor ever such a creature as a Dragon another answers for St. George , t is no great matter neither for the Draggon whether there were such or no , pray heaven there be a maide and then it is no matter .

68 A Scholar and a Courtier meeting in the street seemd to contest for the wall , sayes the Courtier I do not use to give every coxcombe the wall , the Schollar answered but I do sir , and so passed by him .

69 One asked the reason why women were so crooked and perverse in their conditions , another answered because the first woman was made of a crooked thing .

70 A rich Lawyer that had got a great estate by the Law upon his death bed was desirous to give twenty pound per annum , to the house of Bedlam , being demanded why he would give it to that house rather then another , he answered that he had got it of mad men and to them he would give it againe .

71 One said women were like quick sands , seemed firme , but if a man came upon them he fell in overhead and shoulders .

72 Another said a woman was like a peece of old Grogram alwayes fretting .

73 One asked why men should thinke there was a world in the Moone . It was answered because they were lunatique .

74 One asked why Ladyes called their husbands Master such a one , and master such a one , and not by their titles of knighthood , as Sir Thomas , Sir Richard Sir William , &c. it was answered that though others called them by their right titles as Sir William , Sir Thomas , &c. yet it was fit their wives should master them .

75 One asked what was the first commodity a yong shopkeeper put off ; it was answered his honestie .

76 One asked why Icarus would undertake to flye in the ayre ? it was answered because he was a Buzzard .

77 Two Gentlemen talking in latin in the presence of a woman she grew jealous that they spake of her and desired them to speake english that she might answer them , for she said she was perswaded when men spake latin although they spake but two words that still one of them was nought : whereupon one of the Gentlemen sayd presently Bona mulier , she replyed I know bona is good , but I 'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that 's nought .

87 A simple fellow being too bold with one that was his superior , was told he might say what he would for that day because it was Innocents day , it being so indeed .

81 One said a barber had need be honest and trusty because whosoever employed him , though it was but for a haire matter put his life into his hands .

82 A suit in Law being referd to a Gentleman the plantiffe who had the equity of the cause on his side presented him with a new coach , the Defendant with a couple of horses , he liking the horses better then the coach gave sentence on the Defendants side , the Plaintiffe calls to him and asketh him how it came to passe the coach went out of the right way , he answers that he could not help it for the horses had drawne it so .

83 One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils , the least was to be chosen .

84 One asked how it came to passe that hosts had usually red noses , it was answered that it was given to them by nature to show to the world an experiment of the vertue of what he sold .

83 A vaine glorious man was bragging that his Father & his Uncle had founded such a Hospitall , one answered ▪ 't is true but yet know that your Father and your Uncle were the meere confounders of that Hospitall you speake of .

84 One said a tooth drawer was a kind of an unconscionable trade because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living .

85 One asked why he that drew beere was not called a drawer aswell as he that drew wine , it was answered that beere made a man to pisse but it was wine made him draw .

86 One said he wondred that lether was not dearer then any other thing , being demanded a reason : because saith he , it is more stood upon then any other thing in the world .

87 One said a hangman had a contemplative profession because he never was at work bu● he was put in mind of his owne end .

91 One called another rogue he answered durst I trust thee with a looking glasse you would quit me and condemne your selfe .

92 A fellow that had no money in his pocket was in a great rage with another who told him , pray Sir do not put your self into too much heat unlesse you had more money in your pocket whereby to quench it .

93 One being asked what countryman he was , he answered a Middlesex man , the other told him being he was neither of the male sex nor of the female sex , but of a middlesex , he must then bee a Hermaphrodit .

94 One sayd corne was a quarrelsome creature because it rose by the blade and fel by the eares with those that cut it .

95 Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes ( said one ) 't is ( replied another ) because their expences may not bee too great .

93 One commending a Tayler for his dexteritie in his profession ; another standing by ratified his opinion saying tailors had their businesse at their fingers ends .

94 One being demanded the reason why he thought the greatest drinkers quickest of apprehension , made this answer : Qui super naculum bibit ad unguem sapit .

95 A Poet sayes one is a man of great priviledge , because if he transgresse it is by a rule ; viz. Licentia poetica .

96 The severest stoicks ( said one ) are the greatest Students , because their contracted browes are alwayes bent to study .

97 Colliers and mine-workers should be well acquainted with all the philosophicall secrets of the Earth because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others .

104 Tapsters said one should bee men of esteem because they are men not only of a high calling , but also of great reckoning .

105 't is impossible that Saylers should be rich men , because they are never so well pleased as when they go downe the wind fastest .

106 A woman said of all men she had a desire to marry a Huntsman because he would not disdaine to weare the home .

107 Of all knaves there 's the greatest hope of a Cobler , for though he be never so idle a fellow yet he is still mending .

108 A Smith said one is the most pragmaticall fellow under the Sun for he hath alwayes many irons in the fire .

109 The neatest man in a Kingdome ( sayd one ) is a Barber for he cannot endure to have a hair amisse .

104 Wit bought is better then wit taught , because he that never bought any is but a naturall wit .

105 't is probable that those women that paint most shall live longest , for where the house is kept in repaire there is no feare but it will be inhabited .

106 One said that tall men of all others were most happy because they were neerer heaven then all other men .

108 A squint-ey'd man ( sayes one ) is the most circumspect of all men because he can looke nine wayes at once .

109 One said that tal men should be great polititians , because they have an extraordinary reach .

110 One sayd hang-men were very happy because those men they do most hurt will never be able to render them quid pro quo

116 It is in some sort necessary that some rich men should be Dunces , because the pretenders to learning may get preferment , for the good wits will be able to helpe themselves .

117 One was saying it was a fine quality to be able to speake wel ex tempore , why then said another we may commend every woman for they have the most nimble fluent tongues and that without study or consideration .

118 Hang-men practice their cunning for the most part on good natur'd men , because they are ready to forgive before the hurt be attempted .

119 Hee that hath but one eye is more like to hit the marke he aymes at then another , because he hath a monstrous sight .

120 Glasiers said one must needes be good arbitrators for they spend their whole time in nothing but composing of quarels .

117 Carpenters said one are the civelest men in a Commonwealth for they never do their buisinesse without a Rule .

118 Of all wofull friends a hangman is the most trusty , for if he once have to do with a man he will see him hang'd before hee shall want mony or any thing else .

119 Bricklayers are noteable wanton fellowes for they have alwayes to do with one trull or other .

120 Stationers could not live if men did not beleeve the old saying , that Wit bought is better then Wit taugbt .

121 Those that carry about with them counterfeit coyne are more nice and curious of it , then of good Gold and Silver , for they cannot endure to have that toucht of all the rest .

122 Gunners are more serious in what they doe , then other men for what they doe they doe with a powder .

127 Muscattiers of all other Souldiers , are the most lazie for they are alwayes at their rest .

128 One among a company of his companions who had beene drinking very much , by chance let a fart , who for conceit sake said to one of his companions with whom he might make bold , pree-thee pledge me , he answered I cannot ; he then reply'd I pray do but kisse the cup .

129 One passing through Cheap side , a poore Woman desired his charity , he disregarding the woman kept on walking , and by and by let a fart : the woman hearing it said much good may it do your worship , he hearing her say so , turnes backe and gives her a tester ; she thank't him and told his worship it was a bad wind that did blow nobody good .

126 A man walking the street let a great — upon which he jestingly said cracke me that nut , it being heard of a waggish wench that was in a chamber over his head , who being well provided at that time with a perfu'md chamber-pot , throws it out of the window upon his head saying there 's the kernill of your nut Sir .

127 One said a Miller was the fittest husband for a Scold , because when the mil goes if her tongue goes ne're so fast it cannot be heard .

128 One said that Duke Humfrey's guests were the most temperate men in the world , it being known that at his Table there was never any made drunke , nor with his dyet dyed of a surfet .

129 One said Physitians had the best of it , for if they did well the world did proclaime it , if ill the earth did cover it .

130 It is a necessary and fit thing that women learn Roman-hand because ( saith one ) they were never good Secretaries nor ever will be .

131 One saw a man and his wife fighting , the people asked him why he did not part them , he answered that he had been better bred then to part man and wife .

132 One said that Tobacconists would endure the wars well , for they would never be stifled with fire and smoake .

133 A drawer for one thing or other is alwayes appearing at the barre but is not punisht , yet notwithstanding 't is all scor'd up .

134 Scriveners are most hardharted fellowes for they never rejoyce more then when they put other men in bonds .

135 Smiths of all handy-crafts men are the most irregular , for they never thinke themselves better employed , then when they are addicted to their vices .

136 Those which weare long haire are in the readyest way to make good Fryars , for they may promise to themselves the happinesse to enjoy bald crownes without the help of a Barber .

137 Tapsters are not only very rash but very expert , for they are apt to draw upon all occasions , and yet suffer very few to go away scot-free .

138 Of al diseases the three-quarters harme is most dangerous and most desired : for all women desire to multiply though they labor ne're so hard for 't .

139 Fidlers are very unfortunate in their calling for they never do any thing but it is against the haire .

140 Trumpeters are much subject to sickly distempers , for commonly when they are most in health they will fall a sounding .

141 One being asked where he thought al woodcocks remaind in the Summer-time when they are not seene with us , it was answered in new England .

142 Horse-keepers and Ostlers ( let the world go which way it will though there be never so much alteration in times and persons ) are still stable men .

143 One said it was no great matter what a drunkard said in his drinke , for he seldome spake any thing that he could stand to .

144 A Hypocrite is odious ( saies one ) to God , to Man , and to the Devill : God hates him because he is not what he seemes , Man hates him because he seemes what he is not , and the Devill hates him because he seems not what he is truly and indeed .

145 One said of all professions , that Stage-players were the most philosophicall men that were , because they were as merry and as well contented when they were in rags as when they were in robes .

146 Great Eaters are the most valiant men , for they never fight but with a good stomacke .

147 One asked what the reason was that few women lov'd to eat egges ? it was answered because they cannot endure to beare the yoke .

148 One drinking of a cup of burnt clarret , said he was not able to let it down , another demanded why ? he answered because it was red hot .

149 A poor man that lived in the Suburbs of London being owner of a little field had got together so much mony to buy two little fields more of an acre of ground apeece , yet he was said to be rich because he had purchased More fields .

150 One said roaring Gallants were like Pedlers , because some of them did carry their whole estates upon their backs .

151 One said that some Taylors were like Woodcocks , because they lived by their long bils .

152 An Oculist is excellent at sleight of hand , for if he undertake to cure a blind man he will so do it that the patient shall see he does it .

153 One said it was dangerous to wrong a Phisitian , because if he once have to do with a man he will be sure to make him thinke .

154 An Inkeeper brag'd he had a bed so large that two hundred Constables had lyen in it at one time , meaning two Constables of hundreds .

155 He that byes a horse in Smith field and does not looke upon him before he buye him with a paire of spectacles , makes his horse and himself a paire of sorrofull spectacles for others to looke on .

156 A prison is a good instrument of reformation , for it makes many rogues and lewd fellowes staid men .

157 One complaining that his Sonne was a very prodigall , and that he would give an hundred pounds to have him reclaimed : his neighbor that heard him complaine , answer'd let him be a French-Tayler for they make no waste .

158 A wax-chandlers shop being rob'd one of his friends came to comfort him , and told him he should not be troubled at it , for he durst undertake his goods would come to light .

159 One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land ? who answered because he hoped to go to heven , which he could not possibly do til he forsook earth .

160 In the Common-wealth of Fishes are many officers : Herring the King , Sword-Fish his guard , Lobsters are Aldermen , Brabs are Constables , and poor Johns the common sort of people .

161 An idle unthrift having nothing left to maintaine his humor of good fellowship but his bed , sold it ; for which being reproved by some friends , he answered that he could never be well so long as he kept his bed .

162 Coblers may be said to be good men because they set men upright and are ever imployed in mending of soles .

163 Two men seeing a handsome Wench but thought to be light , pass by in a very poore habit ; the one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare , the other replied it was no wonder for she was common .

164 A drunken fellow returning home towards evening , found his wife hard at her spinning , she reprooving him for his ill husbandry , and commending her self for her good huswifery , he told her that she had no great cause to chide , for as she had been spinning he came home all the way reeling .

165 An ignorant drunken Suregeon ▪ that kil'd all men that came under his hands , boasted himselfe a better man then the Parson ; for said he your Cure maintains but yourselfe but my Cures maintaine all the Sextons in the Towne .

166 A merry fellow said the Alehouse was the only place to thrive in , for he had knowne many a score made there .

167 Musitians may be said to be the best Philosophers , for they will be sure to keepe time .

168 A woman that was very imperious over her husband , was nick-nam'd by a neighbor and cal'd Mistres Cap , for which she angerlie demanded his reason , and was answered because she was alwayes above her head .

169 The same woman with her riotous humors having undone her husband and he being broken and fled , the same neighbor reproving her , she bade him not medle with what did no way belong to him , for she had only broken her owne head .

170 A Lady that was painted , tould a Gentleman she desired much to have her picture done to the life , to which he answered you need not that Madam , for you are a picture to the life already .

171 A Gentleman whose name was Stone , falling off his horse into a deep water out of which he got not without some danger : his companion laugh'd at the mischance and being reproved , answered that no man but would laugh to see a stone swim .

172 A foolish Gentleman deformed likewise in his person , was called by one a monster , nay surely said another the Gentleman is meerly naturall .

173 A country fellow asking which way he might go to Bedlam , a Citizen tould him the nearest way was to be mad , then , said the Country fellow you horn-mad Citizens may the better direct us that are Country-men .

174 A common wench stepping into a boate fell into the water , and reaching her hand to be helped out , one refus'd it saying she need not fear drowning for she was so light she could never sinke .

175 One threatned a fellow to breake his head with a stone , I 'le assure you ( quoth he ) it is a hard matter to breake my head with a stone .

176 A boy seemed much delighted with a Coblers worke commending and admiring his workmanship , the Cobler pleased with the boyes admiration asked him if he would be of his trade , to which he answered no ; for though he loved workmanship he could not endure cobling .

177 One hearing a rich Gentleman ( but ignorant enough ) discourse somewhat weakly , how much land there was holden in capite , asked him if his wit was held in capite ? to which he answered no ; the other asked him againe if he had not some fe-simple held in capite ? to which he answered yes ; and that it did descend to him and his heires forever .

178 A Physitian demanded money of another for one of his patients that was dead long before , he was answered that it was a worke of charity to visit the sick ; but if he was so earnest for mony the only way was for him to visit the dead , and then he would never want money more .

179 A rich Stationer wish't himselfe a Scholler , to whom one answered you are one already , being doctus in libris , nay said the Stationer I am but dives in libris meaning rich in pounds .

180 One boasted himselfe to be esteemd a wit , saying the world spoke him to be all wit : one standing by that knew him very well , said i's t possible that you are taken to be a wit or one that is all-wit , if you be all wit , then your anagram is wit-all .

181 A Gentleman hawk'd in anothers ground , to which the surly owner shewed himselfe angry , at which the Gentleman spet in his face , what is your reason for that said the farmer ? I cry you mercy said the Gentleman I gave you warning for I hawk'd before I spet .

182 One running hastely with a stick of fire in his hand to light a fagot another called him rogue which being angry and demanding his reason ? he answered for that he had a brand in his hand .

183 A patient man being domineer'd over by his wife that was flying about his eares , desired her not to teare his band for he would gladly weare it ( if she pleased ) without cuffs .

184 One was saying that lead was the basest of all other mettals : it is true said another but yet it is the stoutest for the glasier will tell you that it keepes more quarrels asunder then any other mettal in the world .

185 A Joyner on a time tooke a pill and it so wrought with him that he had fourty stooles in a minute of an houre .

186 Carriers said one are wise men , for they will not medle with any thing but they will know of what moment and waight it is .

187 One whose name was Gun , called a woman whore ; she being moved at it had him before a justice of peace about it , the justice reprov'd him for it , and deepely charged him not to call her so againe . As they were going home the woman told him Master Gun you heard what the justice said , I hope being so deeply charg'd you will henceforward give a better report .

188 One said Painters were cunning fellowes for they had a colour for every thing they did .

189 One asked why kitchinmaids went so sluttishly ? in regard they drest themselves as cleanly as they did their meat .

190 One was holding a stiffe argument with a Grocer concerning matters of trade : the Grocers wife bid him leave contesting with her husband , for her husband was able to shew him a thousand reasons for one .

191 One said to his friend that had been speaking : I love to heare a man talke nonsence , the other answered I know you love to heare your selfe talke as well as any man .

192 One asked why begars stood in the streets begging with broomes in their hands ? it was answered because they did with them sweep away the durt out of peoples sight , which while they had a mind on they would never part with a penny .

193 A Gentleman tooke up some commodities upon trust in a shop , promising the master of the shop that he would owe him so much money : the master of the shop was therewith very well contented , but seeing that the Gentleman delayed the paiment he asked the money : the Gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him , he had promised to owe him so much money and that he would in no wise breake his promise , which if he paid him he did .

194 One said he had been kept still to the schoole and had been made a scholler if he could but have learned to have declined mulier and for that cause was taken from the schoole .

195 One desired upon his deathbed to have his corps when he was dead stuck with Isop , as is the fashion in divers places : one of his neighbors sitting by told him Time was better ; why said the sick man ? because said the other unlesse you be buried in time you will stinke that no creature will be able to go with you to the grave .

196 One asked another what Shakespeares works were worth all being bound together ? he answered not a farthing ; not worth a farthing said he why so ? he answered that his plays were worth a great deale of mony but he never heard that his works were worth any thing at all .

197 One was commending of the point-makers for good distinct readers and that they read better then any other people whatsoever : another asked his reason he answered that since the fashion of Cassocks came up they kept their points , and that was the only way to make a mans reading gracefull .

198 Two Poets being merry in a taverne the one was desirous to be gone , the other entreated him to stay telling him that if he did goe away he would make a comedie upon him , you shall get nothing by that reply'd the other for then I will make a tragedy on thee and in the latter end of it thou shalt hang thy selfe .

199 One meeting his friend riding on the way without boots asked him about what busines he rid ? the other told him that his businesse was of great importance and he was likewise in great haste : I am very doubtfull then said he , that your labor is lost : why said he ? because quoth the other , you ride of a bootlesse errand .

200 One being at supper at a friends house it chanced there was mutton and capers for supper : fell into a discourse of dancing saying that he loved it better then any other kind of recreation , by and by taking notice of the capers which he had never seen before , tooke one upon his trencher cut it in the midle and put the halfe of it into his mouth : the master of the house observing it , said , Sir it seemes you love dancing , very well when you cannot forbeare but you must cut capers at supper .

201 A fellow had the pictures of the five senses stolne out of his house , whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the theeves might be bound to the peace , for what said the Justice for stealing your pictures ? yes saith he ; I thought said the Justice , you had lost your senses , that you talke so idly .

202 One amongst a croud of people on the top of Pauls steeple had his pocket pickt : what villaines are these quoth he to pick a mans pocket in the Church ! nay Sir said another , you are but rob'd upon the high-way .

203 One asked another what gender Hermaphroditus was of , he answered of the neuter .

204 One complain'd he kenw not how to maintaine his barns : be a good husband quoth another and your barns will maintaine you .

205 A rude deboist young man was plac'd by his friends with a Proctor , who observing the misbehaviour of the yong man , told his parents he feared their Sonne would never make a civil Lawyer .

206 In some merry company one bid another mend his jests , for they were all crackt : they ought to be so said he , for it is no jest till it be broken .

207 One sitting by the fire to take tobacco , said the fire was his friend and presently spet into it : to which one replyed you doe not well to quench your friends love by spetting in his face .

208 A sawcy fellow abusing a Gentleman whose name was Fisher , the Gentleman strooke him : for which being reproved and threatned with an action ; is it not lawfull said he for a fisher to strike a jack .