The vvandering-Jew, telling fortunes to English-men

THE WANDRING IEW , TELLING FORTUNES to English-men , OR , A IEWES LOTTERY .

BEing melancholy , and walking in a warme afternoone to Hogsdon alone , I fell into a by-path , which led me into a solitary field , fit to the disposition of my mind . There I lay on a bancke , and on a sudden , had mine eye-lids so long plaid upon with a golden slumber , that in the end it turn'd to a sound sleep , which so long inchanted me by his bewitching charmes , that the Birds in pitty , to see me lye there , and fearing I might catch hurt by the cold fingers of the night , if once they fastned upon me , the poore fingers , set out a throat , to wake me and sat up later than their houre , onely to watch me . I then awak'd , and prais'd heaven , for putting more pitty into the brest of a gentle Bird , than into man .

So , darkenesse martching softly towards the City , I thrust my selfe into her company , and went along with her : when I came to the walkes of Moorefields , I feard nothing , for I saw none , I heard none , met none , all was hush'd as a still water , no wind stirring , no leaves bustling ; ( that halfe amaz'd ) I almost forgot where I was , on in the darke , I went I knew not how , nor car'd I whither : in the end , I got to More-gate , but that , and all the other passages were stopt , lock'd up , and none to open ; for there was a tumult in London , upon which the gates were shut , and the Lord Maior , and Sherifs , with power gon abroad to keepe the peace . From Moregate then I softly went up the field againe , it was not earely and it was not late , I heard no voyces of man or woman , I saw no light , and thought with my selfe , that all that part of the world was drunke , they were so fast a sleepe .

In the end , I spy'd a small light burning in a great window , which shew'd like one Glow-worme in a large garden : be the house ( quoth I to my selfe ) what it will , there will I knocke ; for albeit the gates be shut , Constables eyes are open : so I came to a faire porch , whose dore within was but put to : in I went , and on I went , ( it being as I after understood ) one of those spatious bricke-houses , which shoot their smoake towards Bun-hill ; when ther 's any fire in the chimneis . What the silent walkes were , I feard not , and who the dweller there I car'd not : a pretty strippling presently comes out with a candle , and without any more complement told me , his master would doe nothing to night , no more telling of Fortunes till morning , I catching hold of this , asked who was his master , he said the Wandring Iew , where is he , ( quoth I ) within ( quoth he ) : may I speake with him ( quoth I ) you may ( quoth he ; ) does hee dwell here ( quoth I ? ) no , he but lyes here , ( quoth he , ) it his kinsmans house , and he being in the country , rather then it should stand empty , gives him the use of it .

At last , lighting me into a faire Parlor , I followed where was a good fire , and an antient Gentleman , in an odde Jewish habit , sitting at a table , where hee had newly sup'd ; hee spying me sat still , and spoke not a word , at which I was abashed ; yet plucking up a good heart : Sir ( said I ) by your strange outside , I know not what language you speake , but if you understand that which I speake ( English , ) I intreate so noble a favour at your hands , as to let me shelter my selfe in your house , till the Moone pleases to shine , and bestow one of her Tapers upon me to light me to my lodging . He call'd for a chaire , and made me sit downe by him ; and then ( taking me by the hand , ) sonne ( said he ) y' are well-come : I have travelled farre , and speake many languages , yet am as you are , an Englishman , ( you may heare by my tongue . ) If I spake nothing at your comming in , wonder not , it is my fashion , as they ( which know me ) know . For why should I to one I never saw , moove needlesse questions , which you may answer as you please , and deride me : say I aske you , where you have beene , and why you walke so late , what need you tell me ? you may speake any thing . To desire what you are , where you dwell , what 's your quality , who your friends ? this were superfluous & ridiculous .

If you be my friend , to use you unkindly , were base : if my enemy , yet in such a night , to well-come you , is charity , if you are capable of my harmelesse meaning , you shall know more ere you part , Sir , ( said I , ) if I could not pay your kindnesse with loving words , you might count me a bad debtor , if I study not to require your courtesie , I were ungratefull , ( and then a villaine , ) but sithence , it is not in my power to performe so much now , it shall argue a generous disposition in you , if for a short time you give me forbearance , till I be better able : for howsoever I seeme rude , by this bold intrusion , yet have I beene trayned up where good manners grew , and learning florished .

I was once my selfe a lover of the Muses too , ( said he ) but had a roaming head when I was as you are , yong , and would take no settled course , and that caus'd mee to travell : but when the rod of youth had beaten me , and that age bid me hye home ; I returned to mine owne Country ( England ) whose smoake to me , was more sweet , than all the perfum'd fires , by which I warm'd my selfe abroad .

To this house have I retir'd , because it stands in a good ayre , hath the benefit of faire prospects , and is neere the Citty , it is none of mine but my kinsmans , yet may I use it as freely as if it were mine owne .

And now sonne , ( for so my age allowes me priviledge , to call you ) I will take away the tediousnesse of night , by some discourse , of the passages of my owne life . Every old man is his owne Chronicler , and no story is readier in his memory then what hee writes with his owne hand .

Know then , that in my first setting forth in progresse through the world , much preferment met me , kiss'd me , and wood me , and faine would have had me , but I would none : choyce of wives were set before me , ( beauties able to tempt ) yet me they could not : I saw others , that had faire wives , but the husbands looked worse than othermen : I had a fresh colour , they pale , I strong and lusty , they puling ; weake and sickly , I joviall , buxome , and still merry , they sullen , melancholy , and ever sad . No wife ( I swore for this ) should come neere me . I could have beene rich , but all rich men , are not the happiest men ; if I might live ( said I ) alwayes , I would then build ( as rich men doe ) and set my glory on the toppes of Pinnacles , but when with my hand I could measure out the spanne of a poore transitory life , I accounted gold and silver , but as the misers Counters , to cast up his cares by ; Honours I weighed , and found the Ballance false ; when I thought they had beene Dyamonds , they proved Pibbles ; when cuppes of Nectar , they turn'd to roming water . The embracing of the sweetest woman upon earth , but a Goddesses picture , a minutes pleasure , an age of perturbation .

So that , fanning off these light fethers , I sit as you , by my owne fire ; if now I appeare wretched , my griefe is the lesse , because I was never better , if I am poore , no matter , it is sometimes a torment to be rich . As I have not too much , I have not too little , I am the Sunne to my owne Zodiack , or a ship in my own sea , and beare a sayle according to my burthen .

But now I will open to you the booke of a strange secrecy , here I live as obscure as I can , yet the needle-eye of this winking world has found mee out , and for what thinke you ? They take me for a rare fellow , a Conjurer , a Cunning-man , a sooth-sayer , a figure caster , a starre-catcher , a Fortune-teller , any body , nobody , and I know not who , neither can they tell what .

Indeed ( worthy Sir ) I confesse I have heard , that here about Moore-fields , such a wondrous man did live , that was as well acquainted with the Moone , as her neighbours the starres are , but that this was the house , I protest I knew not , till by this good fortune , a happy darkenesse brought me to it . For Sir , you have such a winning way in you , that I desire ( as you call me son ) so I may call you father , and be adopted and endecred into your grave acquaintance .

This night ( replyed hee ) you shall lodge here , to morrow morning , you shall see the Terme begin , my Clients will come in tumbling ; not that I can doe them any good , ( for alas I have no such skill ) yet talke with them I doe , all commers I well-come ; it is my sport to heare them tell their lamentable stories , and it addes to my experience , to see the vanities , follies , and fooleries of this age , in believing that man can cut out fortunes , for such Ideots , and to thrust himselfe into the knowledge of his great master . Midnight rings her bell in mine eare , and bids us hasten to bed : my Boy shall conduct you to yours ; good rest attend you : when you rise , you shall see strangers enow wayting here , to give you and me our breakefasts .

The gray morning had no sooner opened her eyes , but I ( with mine open ) saluted her , and though I would have sworne I had beene the first up in the house , yet when I came out of my chamber , I found my old-new-father , by a good fire , fitting in his chaire , as soberly as Erra Pater : his beard was reverend , face comely , a Jewish gowne girt to him , and a Jewish round cap on his head , buskins on his legges , a small silver bell lying before him , to ring for his boy , mittens upon his hands .

His courtesie ( over night ) made me bold with him in the morning , so that I prayd him , honour me so much , as to let me know the name , to which I was so infinitely beholden , and withall , why ( being an English-man ) hee was call'd the Wandring Iew , and a teller of Fortunes . Both your questions ( quoth hee ) shall come home to you , answered .

I have beene a Traveller many yeares , and felt the heate of the Sunne in change of Countries : at my living in Venice , I came acquainted with an Italian Jew named Orletto , whom meeting often upon the Rialta , diverse Venetians noting his face and mine , said we were so like , wee might very easily be taken for brothers ; the Jew being told this , sent for me to his house , entertain'd me with curious complements , curtesie and cheere , making mee ●ow ( for the equall likenesse we both carryed , ) to call him brother . Nay , he did so affect my company , ( I speaking as good pure Tuscane as he himselfe ) and discoursing home with him , that he wonne me to sojourne with him ; & in the end , ( because I strove to please and humour him in all things , his noble curtesies , binding me to doe so ) he wrought me to goe in a rich Jewish habit ( such as you see I sit in ) so that all Venice swore I was his brother , and I went ( as he did , ) by the name of Orlot to , which name I retaine here still , albeit my own true name is E●remont .

To your other demand , why I am called a Fortune-teller , a Cunning-wise-man , and I know not what ; this addition of ridiculous Title came to me , by a merry accident , which fell out thus . A singing joviall Cobler , dwelt not farre from a private lodging which I tooke ; who bore such love to a rough-hayre Water-spaniell which hee kept , hee was never well , but when the Dogge was in his company . A mad fellow to have some sport with the Coblar , stole the Dogge , and kept him close from him a sevennight : the Cobler was mad , and sware he did not care to give all the shooes in his shop , to have his Dogge againe : why ( sayes the other ) I will undertake for a Capon and a pottle of wine , to bring you to a Jew hard by , ( an excellent Scholler , and seene in the Black-art , that shall helpe you to the Curre . T is agreed ; the mad Grig then comes to me , ( being full in my acquaintance , ) and for mirth sake , wooes me when I brought the Cobler to him , to undertake the getting of his Dog , which was easie to doe , he having him lock'd up in his owne house , I yeelded : he brings the Cobler , and after many intreaties ( I telling the danger of the Law , if I dealt in such matters ) at length , I promis'd him I would doe my best . Asking him then , if hee could reade , hee said , No : hereupon , taking downe Gesners discourse of Beasts , with their pictures , I turn'd to that part which reveales the properties of all sorts of Dogges : shewed him the picture of one , Is this hee ? No ; Is this hee ? No , no : I then ( after hee had seene many others ) opened the leafe , where the picture of a shag-haire Water-spaniell was , which he no sooner saw , but rapping out a great oath , swore , that was the very sweet face of his deare Diver ( for so hee called his Curre : ) upon which opening his purse , hee threw downe all his mony , and so hee might but see his Dogge at home , bid me take what I would : I touched none , but bidding him hie to his house , told him his Dogge should be at home within halfe an houre , with great joy he parts , his friend gets home , powres a kettle of warme water on the Dogge , as if hee sweated , cudgel'd the Curre soundly , and away runnes hee to the Cobler , leaping upon his master , and his master hugging him : And upon this was I so fam'd for my cunning , that there is not a morning in the weeke , but I am haunted with fooles of all stampes , to know their fortunes , in which I have as much skill , as the Coblers Water-spaniell had ; yet I make a shift to please my selfe , and not hurt them : I wonder I sit so long quiet ; stay you by me , ( if you can have patience ) and behold what Actors enter upon this Comicall stage .

By this time , one knoc'd , hee whisled for his other halfe of the house-hold , which was a pretty sprightly boy , which lighted mee in , whom ( the Master said hee ) brought from Wittenburgh in Germany , and was cozen to knavish Wagner ( the boy that wayted on Doctor Faustus : ) This boy of his , for the witty conceits , and merry language in him , hee call●● by an Italian name , ( Ioculo . ) This Ioculo being as nimble , and ready to welcome the Fortune-fooles , as a boy in a Barre , does Guests , and could unhappily guesse at the conditions of the Parties by their habits and faces upon his Masters whistling ; Ioculo had beene at gate , and comes running in , saying .

A Courtier comes to know his Fortune .

SIr , there is arriv'd here , a very fine paynted Gally : a brave Clarissimo , whether he be a Christian or Heathen , man or woman , I know not , by his finicall beard 't is a man , but by the t' one side of his head a woman : some squint-eyde Barber sure has poll'd him , for one locke is longer then the rest , by at least the quarter of a yard . His hat weares a Fether , and his head a hat of a neate blocke ; by his spruicenesse hee should be a Spaniard , by his flashd doublet , high galloshes , and Italian purld band a French man , his tuskes tickle his nose , an embrodred Belt glorifies his body , a gilt sword his belt , and to keepe his feete from stincking , two Roses grow upon his shooes . Fetch him in , said Orlotto , he 's fetch'd , and thus begins his scene .

The Courtiers speech .

NOble Sir , I am a Courtier , depending upon a great man : I feed high , and ( you see ) goe brave ; am blest with the bright beames shot from the eyes of beauteous Ladyes , and sometimes grac'd with the Honey-combe favours of honorable Lords . But for all this , I gaze at Starres , but reatch none , gape for preferrement , but none falls into my mouth . My Lord and Master is ( in this Sea-Royall ) my Admirall , after him must I sayle , and for ought hee knowes I may sinke . These rich clothes cost me nothing , the Mercers uncrost booke shall sweare for me . What my Fortunes are I know ; what they may be I come to know : Few Christians are to be trusted : store of Jewes wee have in England ; a few in Court , many i' th Citty , more in the Countrey , These I scorne ; but come to you , a knowing Jew , a Rabbin , a Synagogue of Learning . In short I have a rich London Widdow in chase , ( hearke in your eare ) such a one ; knighted I can be , and have no Herald pinne himselfe to my sleeve for fees , and Knight-hood on a Citizens wives trencher , is a liquorish bit , many of their rotten Teeth water at it . Tell me therefore now ( worthy Jew ) whether it be my Fortune to have this golden old girle or no .

The Courtiers Fortune .

SIr , ( said Orlotto ) you Courtiers ( I meane such as are true ones , are the Dyals of the Kingdome , by whose motion , the Soveraigne understands how all the houres of State-affaires goe : your glorious traines are that Galaxia , leading to Ioves celestiall Palaces , and your eyes the Starres glittering all along that milky-way . The Court is a blessed Garden , and you the Birds of Paradise singing in it . A Courtier is , ( or should be ) a whole man , a perfect Globe , a cunning Pilot , by his owne compasse able , to direct his Country and King , the Art of Royall Navigation : you then being borne under such faire Planets , 't were pitty any foule fortune should crosse you . Thus then for your rich Widdow : you are in debt , she owes nothing ; she old , you young ; not for love , but lucre would you marry her : her wealth shall maintaine your Court-mistresse , ( for without one you are not ) her old bones for a moneth , or two , you will rattle in a gilt Caroach ( bought with her owne gold ) an then let the Coach and her lye and rot ; what followes ? you will ruffle abroad in silkes , shee mourne at home in sack-cloath : In Tavernes you will roare , at home her children crye ; she will curse you , you not care for her ; her bagges will be empty bladders , and the bladder of your vaine glory fill'd onely with wind : your fortune ( if you have her ) is in the end to be a beggar , if you have her not , to live in debt , and yet dye worth a Trunke full of gorgeous apparell , which afterwards ( if your ghost could walke ) you might see worne on a stage by Players .

The Courtier looking red with anger , flung away , with this onely in his mouth , y' are a Jew : Loe ; ( said Orlotto ) you see my manner of telling fortunes , for I scarce so tickle any one of these Trowtes amongst twenty , as to make him turne up his belly , and lye still .

A Drunkard comes reeling to know his fortune .

BY this time another rap't at gate , whom Ioculo having let in , hee came roaming thus to his Master : O Sir ! I 'me glad I have no beard , it had beene sindg'd off by this : there 's a fellow come in with a Fire-drake in his nose , an ignis fatuus in 's face , two flaming ovens in 's his eyes , his cheeks durty , hands filthy , body nasty , breath stincking , teeth beastly ; some diseas'd horse , hee has the staggers , no man I am sure , for hee has wallowed in mire like a hogge , is he not an Alchymist ? his cloake is all totter'd , and his breeches if hee takes wide strides , will untrusse of themselves : nor hat-band , nor girdle , they lye in pawne for two cannes . See Sir , the drunken Hogs-head has roll'd himselfe hither .

The Drunkards speech .

HOw now Master Jew ; I come to give thee two pots and a pipe , to tell me my Fortune . Thy Fortune ( quoth Orlotto , ) It comes stumbling along with thee : before thou knowest thy fortune , know thy selfe : Thy kingdome is an Ale-house , thy scepter , a Canne , thy subjects Tapsters , thy language you Rogues , no attendance on a Gentleman , albeit but a Tincker ; then glasses kisse the walls , blacke pots the ground , your hostesse must be slaver'd , and any durty sow catch'd at , that weares but a crosse-cloath : thou carest for no deare yeares , and drink'st away plenteous-ones . Thou art a Hops sod in Beere , a rotten Grape crush'd in wine , a Rat drown'd in Ale , a beasts filthy entrayles sows'd in drinke : and what is drunkennesse ? a madde Megrimme , a puddle of sinne , a sinke of shame , the ruine of the senses , plague of the body , perdition of the soule , abhor'd of God , loathed of Angels , derided of men , hugg'd onely by Devils . Here 's your filthy picture , now I draw your Fortune : a good-one sweet swines-flesh Jew , and then t'other halfe dozen , score right Rascals , hick-upd the drunkard .

The Drunkards Fortune .

THou shalt chalke up so many Oes , that thy Hostesse shall scratch thee for her money , and the tapster kicke thee out of dores , thy wife ( if thou hast any ) wish thee in thy grave , thy children laugh when th' art a dying : sober men will shunne thee , friends flye thee , women whoope at thee , boyes laugh at thee . Thy body diseased , thy mouth full of oathes , thy purse empty , thy cloathes totter'd , and in the end lye , and dye in some ditch , under a stall , or in a Jayle . Mend , and meete better fortune : goe on , and this follows thee . — Farewell and be hang'd Jew , cryed the Drunkard , so they parted .

An Aldermans sonne left rich , comes to know his Fortune .

THen came in a youth bownfing with authority : looke out said Orlotto , who i's t ? O Sir , ( quoth Ioculo ) a man made out of waxe , a City-sparke , a Bonfire , a Muske-cat smells not sweeter , a Barber is not trimmer , a Chamber-maid is not smoother , a painted whore not better colour'd . An Aldermans sonne , as his man whispers to me . Bring him in : he comes .

The Aldermans sonnes speech .

SAve thee ( Noble Jew , ) I am a Cockney borne , a chil'd of Troy-novant , the sonne of a scarlet man , ( a Senator , ) I am ( as all of us ) borne poore , but left rich , Wenches I'revell with , Vintners I advance , Taylors I make Gentlemen , Sempsters are my wayting-women , Bawdes I kicke , Punkes I tumble , I can handle a Rapier , tosse full glasses , spinne out nights in suppers , and dance away whole dayes with Fidlers : Duckes and Drakes make I with shillings , honest wives , drabbes , with poundes , I want nothing , have all things , and yet ( but yesterday ) an old trot , a Beldame , a Witch looking in my hand , told me I had too large a Table , to keepe it still furnish'd with meate ; and that for all my full bagges , I should dye a beggar . Being vext at this leane Lamia , hollow-eyde Canidia , and splay-footed Irish Calliogh : I come ( Jew ) to thee , to have thee to ride among the Planets , inquire of them what Starre was my midwife , and then tell me my Fortune .

The Aldermans prodigall Sonnes Fortune .

TO whom , Orlotto , thus ;

Sir , you are rich , but deepe wells by continuall bucketting the water out , are in the end drawne dry : Troy was once on fire , yet long since burnt out ; you are faire , and handsome , but imtemperate riots will leave you ugly : you are witty , wenches and wine will make you a foole ; you are young , late watchings in Taverns , will wrinckle that face , and dry up that bloud : Had the Alderman your father done as you doe , you had done nothing , you had bin nothing : Now you are followed , then you might have serv'd ; what are you in your spendings ? but a great Taper to give other light , rather a tallow candle , which being wasted goes out in a filthy snuffe : Lavish spending , has a slavish ending ; when women have worne away your body , and wantonnesse worm'd you out of wealth , then goe to your Gossips , ( which now hang like jewels about your necke , ) shake but an empty pocket , what then ? the whore will not know you , the Vintner not trust you , the Tayler no more take measure of you , the Mercer goes in with a Spanish shrugge : Torn fortunes wheele round in your owne hand , Lords will play at dice with you , Knights will call you Tom , and J●cke , and Dicke , Fether'd gallants haunt you , Parasites flatter you , Brokers borrow for you , Vsurers lend you , Citizens cap you , Brave dames kisse gownes out of you : But , let Fortune snatch her wheel from you , a poore Ale-house is your Inne , an old Freeze Jerkin in Summer your Sonday-suit , and a Plimouth cloake your Caster . Here then is your Fortune , if you hold on as you begin , your full feeding will make you leane , Drinking too many healths ; wash away you own health , your too oft leaping the pale , causes you look pale , too close following the fashion , brings you out of all fashion , and a carelesse life , draws on a miserable death ; you have yet , gold enough left , husband that , you have wit , imploy that : from handfulls of corne-seeds come Cart-loads of corne ; A little well ordered , begets much , and much scraped abroad ( as Hens do chaffe with their heels ) comes to nothing . If you mock my good will , you may repent when you lie like a Nut-megge in a Grate , or else ride Westward , at the Sheriffs charges , on Doctor Stories wooden horse of Troy , which has swallowed many a gallant into his belly . Our yong Cockney laughed ; shook his head , muffled his face in his scarlet cloake , and so without so much as mum , sneaked away .

A Tobacconist , Or , A Gallant smelling strong of Tobacco .

THe hammer at the gate , beating loud in our eares agen ; Ioculo , comes in , Crying Foh , I am almost strangled with a Damp : why said Orlotto , what Customer comes next ? one I thinke ( sayes the Boy , ) to give you a fit of mirth , for his pockets are full of pipes ; at the very gates hee drew out a Tinder-box , and bounce went his nose like a Potgun ; his throat sure is on fire , the smoak flies so fast from his mouth , blesse his beard with a bason of water , least he burne it : some little Devill , in mans likenesse , for he spits fire , pants and lookes pale , and so spawles , and drivells , he has almost made a puddle where he stands , see sir , here hee comes , having put up his pipes .

I come to thee Jew ( quoth the Tobacconist ) to know whether the Doctor of the Towne lie or no , for they all say , my lungs are wasted with excessive drinking Tobacco , and I cannot live , but I feele no such matter ; That sacred Indian-weed , is restorative to me , Tobacco is my heaven on earth , Tobacco is my breakfast , my banquet , my blessing , the scent of it so ravishes mee , would I had taken Tobacco in my mothers belly ; Tobacco is to mee an honor , for some Noble-mens chimneys vent not out so much smoke , as I doe at my nostrils , yet my wife curses the Inventor , railes at him , at mee , and the poore innocent herbe ; so my sonne sweares he had rather thrust his head into a Jakes , than peepe into my chamber , yet this divine Moly , is meate and drinke to me , what need I New-castle-coals having this fewell to heat me ? Hang Sacke , this is my Canarie ; this Black-a-More I love , above the beauty of a Cheapside darling : In one of these pipes is my mornings draught , in another my apples and carrawaies after dinner , in a third , my after-noons nuntions , and at my going to bed , this is my posset : To binde this to me , I will lose my hat-band ; and does this then shorten my life , say Jew , am I a dead man or no ? Cast the dice , and let mee see what chance Fortune has allotted me .

The Tobacconists Fortune .

GAllant ( quoth Orlotto ) or what so ere you are , albeit you cry up Tobacco to be the soveraign of herbs , I would have you know , what I know , that it is rather a bewitching poison : Tobacco , is the idle-mans devill , the drunkards saint , the devil● perfumer , the sober mans madnesse , hell● chopping herbs , infernall minc'd-meat , that scurvey-grasse which the Fiends late buttered with brim ton ; them that take Tobacco , will endure hell-fire , for that stinks like the fire of hell here already .

Some , by selling it grow rich , and but a few ; other poore Sneaks are blowne up with the artillery of their earthen Muskets , for sometimes their rowls rot , and puddings drop in pieces : Indians set it , Spaniards send it , and many Bankrupts here sell it , who commonly live so poorly , they are not able to reach to the price of a signe , but as if some Jack-anapes belong'd to the house , have two hoops a crosse hang out at doores ; which now is growne as infamous , as a hors-shoo at the door of a Bawdy-house : And when the miserable smoke-sellers die , how are they buried ? in sheets as durty as mouldy Tobacco leaves , and no strewing herbs , but the stalks .

O ( quoth the Tobacconist , ) but what is this selling of Tobacco to my drinking it ? 't is to mee my ale , my beer , my wine , my hot waters : a Tobacco pipe is my spit , the bowle , my oven , the herbe in it is my boyl'd-meat , my bak'd meat , my rost meat .

To you ( monstrous takers of it ) then ( said th' other ) thus ; You cry , give me Tobacco and a figg for Physitians : say it be physicke , is physicke good at all times , at all seasons , is one kinde of Physicke good for all bodies , all constitutions , all diseases ? I will not denie but Conceit may worke wonders ; onely Conceit , if you be fat , will make you lean , if leane , fat , if dull , quicke-witted , if forgetfull , oh , it kindles the cold braines , nay some of you will sweare it cures all diseases : the Pox it doth assoone . But sithence , the smoke of Tobacco drives you hither to know your Fortune , thus in smoke it flies to you .

If you leave not sacrificing your nose to this Indian-idol , when you would pull it out of the fire ( as St. Dunston did the devill with a paire of Pincers ) you shall not , you shall die piping , yet heare no musick ; have too much vapour , yet want breath , and that so stinking , a reeking dung-hill , is a Druggists shoppe to it : Marry foh , quoth the Tobacconist , and vanished .

A good Lawyer .

THe Tobacconist being gone without any loud beating at the gates , Ioculo came roaring to his Master , and told him there was entred a comely grave old Gentleman , were he bald , I should take him for Time ; It 's a Westminster-man sure , for he 's gowned , and as I gather , a Lawyer , by a man following him with a Buckram bagge at his side , see sir , hee 's come .

The Lawyer being in sight of Orlotto , and each of them looking wishly ( as amaz'd ) one upon another , the English Jew ( as abash'd ) suddenly starting up , ranne to embrace him , who lifting up his hands , ( being strucke with admiration , ) My old friend Mr. Egremont ( quoth he ) and are you the wandring Jew , you the rare cunning-man , you the Fortune-teller ? I heard of a superlative famous fellow , so cry'd up , that all who before you have led the World into a fooles paradise , were but Agrippae's shadowes dancing in a circle , to the substance which the wandring Jew walks in : and hearing of such a prize , you know it is my fashion to come and see it , not that I desire to be told my Fortune , or that I beleeve any Jew , Gipsen , Witch , Negromancer , or Star-gazer , is so familiar with the secret counting house of heaven . The lockes and wards of Fate , are not so easie to be opened : silly women , and unexperienced people , ( out of the madnesse of custome , ) do , or may happily resort to you and others , about strayed cattle , or lost goods ; but I know how high your crosse-staff reaches , and that all is but Jugling , falsity , and imposturisme .

Worthy Sir , ( said Orletto ) all this I know too , and neither am skilled , nor professe I any of these cunny-catching sciences ; ( Sciences ! let mee not abuse so excellent a name ) they are meere gulleries : onely , here I sit , and if any comes to me ( as this yong Gentleman can testifie ) I make my selfe merry by discoursing with them , but few are pleas'd yet , with any Fortune , which I have read to them .

No! I pray let me understand your mysterious handling of your Clients , Patients , or Customers , ( I know not how you terme them ) and in the same Dialect , that you Lecture out Fortunes to others , let me have mine .

You shall Sir , ( replied old Egremont ) those on whom I worke , I either know their dispositions by conference with them , or else ( good soules ) they are so open-hearted to mee , that they anatomize themselves in their owne characters , and is not this an easie way then , to throw away a true fortune upon them ? As , a fellow comes to me , and tells mee , hee 's a Thiefe , and would know his fortune ; Can I tell him any other fortune , but to be hang'd , if he leaves not his trade ? A common baggage tells me how she lives by the use of her body , can I tell her any other , than to die in an hospitall ? But ( noble Sir , ) to make you merry , I will tell you yours : I know you be a learned Lawyer , and that which is better , an honest man , so that the kingdome gives you the stile of a good Lawyer , ( that is to say , a good man , ) Law is your studie , but your pleadings are to get honour , in the Star-chamber of heaven .

Justice dares hardly trust some Lawyers ; but into your hands , shee thrust her scales , because with a steddy hand you weigh rich and poore in an even Ballance : Were all Lawyers of your minde , It would be a continuall vacation ; the Foure Termes might sleepe among the Tombes , and Westminster live without noise ; for you more delight in ending of Brabbles , than taking Fees to continue them , s●es any client in Forma pauperis , you are his law-almner . Those walkes in Westminster Hall , which lead up to the Chancery , Kings-Bench , and Common-pleas , and are every day paved with angels , you tread not on : One Angel of Heaven is more welcome to you .

Your beard you suffer to grow long , because it being white , should still put you in minde to do nothing unworthily , such a reverend ornament . Oft have I heard you say , that when you saw but a cloth laid on a table it put you in mind of a coarse ; and when you fed , O ( quoth you ) thus doe I fatten my selfe for wormes , that so they may feed upon me . When men have prais'd the comelines of your age , and wished to have yeeres multiplied , you have smil'd and thanked them , but said you desir'd no such honorable burden , and why ? Life ( quoth you , is a Sea ; yeers the Leagues we row out ; our breath , the windes ; and sinnes , rocks ; our bodies , the ships ; our Soules , the sailes ; miseries , our fraught ; our voy ) age to both Indies ( East , or West , ) Heaven , or hell , where we rise , or set ; and but one Haven to both , ( Death ) at that haven desire I to last anchor , for the Country I seeke , is the heavenly Hierusalem . This knowledge I have of you .

The good Lawyers Fortune .

ANd now heare your Fortune . All your lifetime , your Law-cases , Demurs , Pleadings , and ploddings have made you grow up to a tree , bearing this admirable fruit , A good Lawyer : And when you are dead , This onely short Epitaph shall crowne your Tombe-stone : Here lies a wonder , lov'd of God and Man . A good Lawyer .

An honest Citizens , too finicall Wife , comes to know her Fortune .

ANother knocks sayes the good Christian-Jew , looke out boy , O sayes Ioculo , 't is a sweet woman , do you not smell her ? a rowling eye , fine haire ( if it be her owne ) high fore-head , rare face , ( if it be not painted ) white necke , ( if it be not plaistred ) straight back , ( if it be not bolstred ) slender wast , ( if not too much pinn'd in ) pretty foot , daintie leg , and I thinke , a Citizens wife , for a little prentice mans this little Pinnace .

The description of this Woman .

LEt her howse a while ( sayes his Mr. ) I know her ; once has she been here before , and I cannot be rid of her ; yet I will bring you acquainted with her qualities , and these they are ; she came naked into the City , and shall so returne , unlesse shee doe pennance in a white sheet , pinn'd round about her . Her husband married her for pure love , and had naught with her , and naught is like to have ; yet she will flaunt with the finest , and gad abroad with the giddiest , looking for more attendance than a Countesse , and more observance than a Dutchesse : shee stomacks any bravery in others , and cares not how great her owne be , nor how she comes by it : yet she is not common , ( that 's her Glory ) but loves only one besides her husband , ( and that 's her Scandall . )

No fashion can peepe out , but she has it ; no sight to bee seene , but she must view it ; not a gew-gavv heard of , but she longs for it : she will buy nothing that is cheape , weares nothing that is course , eats nothing but what is costly : her honest husband is her Hobby-horse at home , and her foole abroad ; amongst her Crew , the wanton Girles jeere him ; and her hee companions point at him with forked fingers , such a life leads he with this white Devill , he were better be in his grave : by day he dares not meet her , shee 's so man'd with her brave Boyes ; by night , he feares to lie with her , shee 's a Noli me tangere ; with meat he cannot please her ( shee 's so daintie ) in clothes hee cannot keepe her , ( shee 's so costly ) with words he cannot fit he , ( shee 's so captious ) and no way can content her , ( shee 's so wanton : ) If he councels her to turne over a new leaf ; mew ( cries she ) you preach false doctrine : if hee jeere at her apish folly , O sayes she , you are all wit , or wit-all : keepe her short of money , she sweares she will have it , though she hang for it ; strike her , she stabs ; kisse her , she spits ; locke her up , she cries out murder ; and the next time she goes abroad , a Catch-poll salutes her husband for some false debt , so he lies by it : and she playes his wanton , wicked , sweet , wel-favour'd filthy wife . Now Ioculo call her in .

The wanton wives speech .

WOrthy sir , I have beene here with you before , you counselled me then ; but the hony you gave me , turn'd to gall in my stomacke . The more I strive to love my husband , the more his deboish'd courses begets my hate ; I have cast mine eye on a second , and that second is now my first : I know such love is unlawfull , yet I cannot with-stand destiny ; I am marked to be his , he to be mine : I beseech you therefore tell me , and put me in some comfort ; shall I bury my husband or no , and then will it bee my fortune that this other sweet man , take me to be his Wife .

The wanton Wifes Fortune .

THe honest Jew looking with fixed eyes upon her , said thus , were your minde as faire as your bodie , you were a Diamond for a Kings wearing : but the foulnesse of the one , utterly eclipseth the brightnesse of the other .

I must condemne , and contemne you ; you were sworne in the Church to a husband , and you in a Tavern swear your selfe to an Adulterer : you consume your husbands goods to feed a Villaine ; you were honest , and make your selfe otherwise . But take heed , there is an eye sees you when you kisse false lips ; an eare heares you , when you plot your close meetings ; a hand from Above , to apprehend you in your lust ; and a devill below , which shall lend you fire to nourish it ; such a pleasure has an enticing face , but a Furies body , a sugred bit , but being swallowed , rank poison . Look into my garden , if I would suffer my neighbors to cover it with garbadge , no dunghill would stinke worse ; so , you are sound , and lovely now ; but when your hot lust throwes Vlcers , Blanches , and the French Itch all over your body ; then you will wish your self turn'd into a Toade .

Would you know your Fortune ! there it is ; If you loose your good name , you will never recover it : play false in your youth , and in age , none respect you : your husband ( by your basenesse ) is now counted a Cuckold ; and your children for ever shall bee called Bastards . Say your husband dyes , no one will marry you but this your sweet-heart , and then he will not trust you , but revile you , curbe you , abhorre you , and keepe you as a slave : lament your folly now , and it shall save you a labour then : begin a new life , abandon lewd company , else your dayes will be wretched , and your death miserable . She put finger in the eye , and away she went .

A young Prentice comes to know his Fortune .

WHo is that knocks so maidenly , said Orlotto ? O sir ( quoth the Boy ) 't is such a sprigge as I am ; a pretty , hansome , well-fac'd stripling ; neat in clothes , spruce in shooes , garters , and stockins ; and by his habit seems to be some good mans Prentice , some good mans ! O! that 's some Rich mans ; for he that is Rich in this Age , is Good , and none are Bad but the Poore ; and is 't a Prentice sayst thou ! This Citie is bound by her Priviledges and Charter to make much of such Plants : had she no Prentices , she would in a short time have no Freemen . To be a Prentice , is to be bound , but not to be a Bond-man , yet hee is a Bond-man for so many yeeres ; but it is a noble Bondage , a Bondage with libertie : if the Mr. holds one end of the staffe , the Prentice fastens on the other . The Prentice is bound to serve his Master ; and in the same Indentures the Master is tied to serve his Prentice with apparell , victuals , lodging , and all things necessary , and to teach him what himselfe ( in his Art ) knowes . A Prentice is a City-kernell , his Master , the shell : and some of them are very hard to cracke ; some breake themselves : All your rich Shoppe keepers that make such goodly bankes of flowers , were at first set of such slips .

In the Musicke of City Government , a Prentice for a while practises onely the Gamoth on his fingers ; but when he comes out of his yeers , is free , and weares a livery Gowne , hee then beares a voice in the Common-wealths Consort .

London had never seene the face of a Lord Major , a Sheriffe , an Alderman , a Deputie , a Church-warden , a Constable ; but that they were all drawne by the picture of a Prentice : a Prentice comes to bee all these ; and all these had never come to what they are , but by having beene a Prentice . A Prentice then being so brave a Spark , let us see what fire this will kindle when he appeares .

The Prentices speech .

NO sooner had Ioculo fetched him in , but thus the sprightly youth began .

Sir , I am bold to knocke at your Gate , to seeke a little knowledge here , but I begge your pardon ; I am the sonne of a Gentleman , though ( as some tell me ) I forfeit my Gentillitie by being led into a kind of voluntarie servitude of being a Prentice . This grieves me not a little , to loose the Honor I brought into the World , onely to clime ( if I can ) to wealth , within a Citie ; I am free in my minde howsoever , and in that I am a gentleman still .

My Father having many sonnes , and I a yonger Brother ; I gladly to ease him of a charge , entred into this care of a Servant , of a Prentice , of a Bond-man : some servile offices I doe , and do them willingly ; others I must doe and will do them as bravely . My Master is not hard to please , and my Mistris easie ; so that if I content both , I content my selfe : And 7. yeeres will quickely runne out at the small hole of a Three-penie hour-glasse . But ( renowned Jew ) I desire to learn of you my highest Fortune , being but a Prentice , I shall in time ascend unto .

The Prentices Fortune .

YOu shall know ( said Orlotto . )

All men in their Cradles have their Fortunes ( good , bad , or indiffrent ) pinn'd on their very Mantles : You have lighted upon no ill-one in being a Prentice , for you are now a student , and must reade over the Law of Lex Talionis , ( like for like : ) looke how you measure your masters goods out to others , your servants , with such fingers , shall deliver out yours .

Does riot present you a horse to ride upon , being a Prentice ? your Prentice shall take a horse ( a Jade ) out of the same stable , and ride , to his owne ruine , and ( if he can ) yours . You are in a City , not at Court ; and 't is your Place to follow Industry , not bravery : which doing this wil be your fortune .

You shall in a short time get freedome ; and then your Priminiere is recovered , ( your gentility , your own agen . In a few yeers after , by good husbandry , you may arrive at riches , and riches in the end bring you to honor : if you disdaine not to weare a Prentices Cap , you may live to see the Cap of Maintenance , worne before you as the Cities Praetor . Put on those clothes of a servant cheerfully , which your Master shall bestow upon you , and this City which is now your Nurse , shall at length , be your Mother , and put you into Robes of Scarlet . How many of our London Senator's , have beene called from the Councell Chamber in the Guild-hall , to sit at the Councell Tables of their Soveraignes ? And why may not the Beames of such glory shine upon you ? you are now but a small printed Booke , let this your youth , and mens estate when it comes , write none but commendable Stories , And your old Age shall bring forth a most excellent volume . He ended , the yong man , with blushes in his cheekes , and good language in his mouth , with humble thankes departed .

A Serving-man comes to know his Fortune .

TO the gate ( boy ) cryed Orlotto , another knocks , looke who 't is : O Sir ( said he ) a most Courteous creature ; how he stands , and looks upon himselfe ; his Combe is out , and Beard-brush : nay you have an excellent legge ! O fine Calfe ! So , stroake up your fortop in any case : pish ! your band hangs right enough ; what ! yet more Crevises in your Stockings ! fye upon it , fye , now out upon it fie ! How Complementall he kisseth his hand , as if he were in love with it . He carries a Blew coate on his backe S . and is feathered like a Countrey fore-horse .

Let him waite awhile , 't is his office ( as being a Serving-man . ) A Serving-man is the shadow , his Mr. the Sun-dyall : as the tayle of a horse , stirres after the body , so moves this creature ; This fellow is no drunkard , perhaps , yet not his owne man ; He is commonly a pretty boy , then a handsome stripling , and now ( I warrant ) a proper man : peevish in his child-hood , proud in his youth , prodigall in his best yeers He spends his portion in hope of preferment , prunes and trickes up himselfe in hope of a rich marriage ; the best dish he feeds on , ( tho he fills his belly with other good meats ) is hope . His greatest happinesse is to Court the Chamber-maides , to whom he sings ; or , to man the wayting-gentlewoman into the fields , and then he still turnes backe and laughes , to shew he 's in grace ; or else , to make other gentlemens followers drunk : whom his Master favours , he fawnes upon ; whom his Mistris frownes on , he frumpes : He would soone prove a Joyner , he makes legs ; only his sleeve is a gentleman , and beares Armes : He is in no one obligation , yet bound to runne at calls , rise at all houres , and ride in all weathers . What his Master leaves , hee eats ; what he casts off , he weares , ( if he can get it ; ) so that he is the Ante-ambulo of a Gentlewoman , the consequent of Gentleman , the Ante-cedent of a Cloke-bagge . A Serving-man , Call him in .

The Serving-mans speech .

HE entred , as brisk as a Tayler at his own wedding , and said , sir , what my Fortune has bin , and is , I know ; and what shall be , I come to know of you : what I am , my Livery shewes ; what in time I may be , I would have your learning shew . I live among Ladies , see beauties every day ; waite on a Knight , eat good meat every meale ; and meet with brave ragges ( my Knights Tayler cuts out for me ) as he does for him : his Caroch is sometimes mine , his Taverne-drinkings mine , his Playes at Black-friers , or Cock-pit mine : whatsoever is his at first hand , is mine at second : ( his wenches now and then before him ) yet what of all this ; this is no Sea to maintaine mee for ever in fishing : Service is but a glowing fire , it heats , but not through ; I beseech you therefore tell me when I shall sit by a bouncing Sea-coale fire of mine owne Fortune , not to go out from Winters end , to Winters end . And I am your Servant , Durante vita .

The Serving-mans Fortune .

WHy then , sayes Orlotto , because I know you are full of Agitation , like the Wheele of a perpetuall motion , here is your Fortune in a few words .

It is no shame to Serve ; for One serves all us : Would you rise higher then you are ? drinking stiffly , or domineering proudly cannot do 't . Are you in a good Service ? keepe it ; least when you would have such another , you goe without it ; would you thrive ? catch Time by the shoulder , for if you let him passe by , hee comes no more at your call : for Time , though hee bee an old man , is an excellent footman ; no Shockatory comes neere him if hee once get the start , hee 's gone , and you gone too . If you gather no eares of Corn in the Summer of your youth , in the Winter of Age , you shall eat no bread ; but either leape at a crust , and begge or starve : and then if Povertie and Age walke together , every foot-boy shall looke over the shoulder at you ; and every Scullion in your Ladies Kitchin jeere you ; scorn'd as an old Woman that was wonton in her youth : Then all your fine fegawes will be rip d up , and all your follies laid in your dish : have you at any time done wrong ? now it will bee reveng'd in your want and weaknesse : When an old Lion had never a tooth in 's head , then the Asse bit him . Are you in a good place ? strive to deserve it : what you get , keep ; what you spend , make use of : Are you trusted ? deceive not such a Master : By this small harvest , you may gather golden sheaffes enough to fill your little Barne ; So fare you well . The Serving man offered him halfe his quarters wages , but he would none , and away out at gate he went .

An Extortioner parts with so much breath and Time , as to demand his Fortune .

MOre crowding ( quoth Orletto , ) wee shall bee crowded to death : looke out Boy , at the top-Mast , and see what ships come sayling . O Sir ( said Ioculo , some Gally-asse richly rigg'd , and I warrant richly laden ; 't is a Man by his face , a Monster by his clothes , for hee 's in a Gowne cleane through Fox'd , yet is he sober ; the haire of his head short as his eye-browes , and yet an ill favoured beard , as if he durst not trust a Barber with his Throat ; hee drinks Whey sure , he lookes so pale ; and his Jackett is faced with a scurvy Latine word call'd Fur ; a small Ruffe , set with a Tobacco-pipe ; Gloves under his Girdle like an Usurer , and Rings on his fingers like a Juggler : He thumps again , hee s in haste , and here he comes tumbling .

The Extortioners speech .

IEW Jew , honest Sir ! Thou art a cunning-man ; I am a man out of my wits , for if I stay long , I am undone : Not to lie to thee , Gold is my god , Silver my Saint , Bonds are my deate Bookes ; an Obligation ! better then fat Venison ; Scriveners are my Cookes ; couzening-Brokers my Boyling-men ; and Sergeants my Turne-Spits that roast Rogues in prison , till they pay me my sweet Moneys , hony , hony-Moneys : I am a Lion if I paw an Heire ; a Beare if I fang a Citizen ; I am a money-monger of Fortie in the hundred : Now thou knowest what I am , ( Jew ) tell me what I shall bee ; my Fortune , my Forune , Come shall I live long ? does not my Wife picke my Counting-house ? plot not Theeves how to rob mee ? and then I hang my selfe ; say , say Jew , I 'm a Jew too ) dispatch mee .

The Extortioners Fortune .

THat I will ( said Orlotto ) to the Devill , for hee must have thee , unlesse mercie save thee : thou art in hast , and heer s thy hastie Fortune ; Thou shalt injoy much , yet embrace nothing ; ever have , and ever want : thou art Master to thy Money , and a slave to thy Muck ; thou shalt live in terror , mistrust thy Wife for stealing from thee ; curse thy children if they peepe but in at the key-hole where thy Mamon lies . And for this cause thy Wife shall wish thee hang'd , thy children laugh when they goe in mourning ; and being dead , a thousand peales of dire execrations throw thee into thy grave , upon which , poor men whom thou hast rackt in prizes , shal dance for joy ; and tottered Beggers , ( whom thou calledst thy dogges ) pisse there on thy face in scorne ; Out , out , Cur-Jew cried the Mydas , and so hobled home , as fast as his legges could trot under him .

The Glutton comes to know his Fortune .

WEe shall never be quiet ( said Orlotto ) another beates , looke out Ioculo , what customer now , who is it ?

O Sir , ( cried the Garsoon , an Elephant ; no , 't is a man roll'd hither in a Dry-fat , how he tumbles ; some Whale sure gotten to land , no ; 't is a Manning-tree Oxe with a pudding in his belly : I 'm afraid 't is the Grecian horse , for in he cannot come , unlesse you breake downe your gates ; so , so , hee 's entred with much adoe , like a Gentlewoman with a huge bum ; now hee squats downe , how he blowes , for hee is broken winded . But sir , sir , now I take a full view of him , I know the beast ; and have seen him wallow in the streets : describe the monster as thou paintest him out said his Master ; yes sir , ( quoth the Ladde ) and this it is ;

A Character of the Glutton .

Hee 's a great man , yet a Constable carries more authoritie : let his consort be never so merry , hee is ever heavy ; no Herauld can give a Lord greater and fairer Armes ; hee is no Three-penie ordinarie dinner : when Wood ( the huge eater in Kent , has devour'd a Porkling of 7 shil . a brest of veal , 12 couple of Rabbets , and as many Puddings as will make Rayles round about More-fields , this greedy-gut shall swallow him : he cranches Capons , as fast as an Ape cracks Nuts ; he tosses a Pike ( if it be in White-broth ) better then any Souldier : he is , a curse to Pasties ; a tormenter of Poultry , a sepulchre to Lobsters ; a terrible Sheep-biter ; a horr●ble Mutton-monger ; a Gorbelly-Glutton : See , sir , the Beare is at Stake .

The Gluttons speech .

A Chaire , a Chaire , sweet Master Jew , a Chaire : All that I say , is this , It me a fat man it has been a West-Indian voyage for me to come reeking hither ; A Kitchin stuffe-wench might pick up a living , by following me , for the fat which I loose in stradling : I doe not live by the sweat of my brows , but am almost dead with sweating , I eate much , but can talke little ; Sir Iohn Old-castle was my great grand-fathers fathers Uncle , I come of a huge kindred , And of you desire to learne , whether my Fortune be to die a yeere , or two , hence , or to grow bigger , if I continue as I doe in feeding , ( for , my victua ls I cannot leave : ) Say , say , mercifull Jew , what shall become of me .

The Gluttons Fortune .

BEfore your Fortune comes ( said Orlotto ) Take some counsell . You say , you are a fat man ; I see it , you feele it : How came you so fat ? by feeding : And why fed you so much ? because you are one of Natures Monsters , that eate of your owne Mother . Man is not borne a Glutton , he makes himselfe one ; your Belly is your god , and a Cooke the Saint you pray to ; A full table is your blessing , and yet , a full table is your curse ; By eating a great deale , you eat up your selfe ; for like an Oxe , the fatter he growes , the sooner he goes to the slaughter ; so you shorten your journey to the land of Wormes ; You sit upon thornes , And upon this Thorne growes your Fortune .

Your Body ( as it is ) shall ever be an Hospitall full of Diseases ; your Minde , a thick Mud , a standing Puddle ; your Soule dwells in a stinking house , yet was brought up to be an excellent housewife ; your Gutts shall , to your dying day , be a Dunghill ; Here is your misery , No woman shall marry you , had you never so much , or if any do , she shall loathe to lie by such a mountaine of uglinesse ; your Countrey will hate you , because she knowes not how to imploy you , for you are fit for nothing , but to eat , drinke , and sleep ; by which meanes you are an idle man , and an idle man is the Devills Cushion . All the good you can do , you shall make an excellent Feast in your grave ; Pray for a Famine , for if that Surgeon cannot worke upon your body , and eate away the proud flesh , such a plentifull yeere as this , must put you to the charge of a longer girdle , so that you shall never live in any compasse , untill a Coffin imbrace you , for which I wish you provide ; let your Soule feed upon heavenly Manna , you have too much earth in you , so take heed you be not benighted . Fare you well . I le fare as well as I can ( answered he ) and tumbled away .

A Iealous Man comes to know his Fortune .

IS this Beast mad ( cried the Jew ) that keepes this rapping in such hast ? let him coole his heeles , and know better manners ; who is it Ioculo ?

A melancholy Hee-Cat ( sir ) said the cracke , a wilde man , a staring man ; hee looks behinde him , as if a Kennell of Citie-hounds had him in chace : hee sighes , and beats his breast , and wrings his hands ; some penitent Christian : Hoyda ! now he stamps , ( I guesse what hee is ) and feeles for Bumpes in his forehead .

Some jealous foole ( said Orlotto ) I warrant , if it be , he 's his owne Beadle , and needs no other Executioner . Is his Wife faire ? though never so honest , she 's false : Is she witty ? she 's then ( he sayes ) a wanton ; speakes any Gallant to her , hee wooes her ; smiles shee on him , there 's a promise : Is shee merry at home ? 't is but to mocke him ; is she sad ? she will anon be merry abroad : Is she gone forth ? then his head akes , and heart pants ; stayes shee out long , then hee 's horn mad ; and runs bellowing like a Bull , up and downe to finde his Cow . And see sir ( said Iocu●o ) hee 's broke loose and come in .

The Iealous mans speech .

ORlotto seeing the man so gastly and wilde in his lookes , staring round about him ; asked him , what he made there , and what he would have .

A Wife — a Wife , a Wife ( honest father Jew ) I would have , That 's the thing I looke for ; I shall finde her soone , but I feare . I feele her now on my forehead ; Shee 's wonderous faire in mine eye , and red Queen-Apples are tempting fruit : If she sits in my shop , my stalle is my hell , feathered Gallants talke to her , cheapning her , take her by the hand , looke Babies in her eyes ; I am then full of Customers , a — foole to such Customers ; send her away , No body cheapens any thing : Shee 's my heaven , Shee 's my hell : O deare Jew tell me , Am I a Cuckold or no! put my head out of this miserable paine , I shall run mad else ; what ! what ! O , say , in a word , what 's my Fortune , my hard Cornuted-Fortune .

The Iealous-mans Fortune .

YOur Fortune ( said Orlotto ) whatsoever Fate sets downe in her unchangeable booke for you , you ( in spite of Fate ) will have such a Fortune , as your own head ( without your Wifes hand ) thrusts upon you : you will cry up your selfe a Cuckold , be your Wife as chaste as you , and must winde a Horne , albeit you weare none . Feare makes you foolish ; and a confidence that your Wife is false , leaves you distrustfull . Cannot a Woman be hansome , but shee 's a Harlot ? can she not be absent , but she playes foule ? But say your feares were true , why do you torment your Soule , when ther 's no remedy ? Sores past Cure , should be past Care ; that which is done , cannot be undone : If she be a good wife , you wrong her to make her bad ; If she be bad , all your raving cannot make her good ; it is not the worke of man , such wonders are wrought by Heaven . Is she ( for all your idle and causelesse Jealousie ) Chast ? why then , no woing can tempt her , no gold overcome her , no pleasure poyson her , no peevishnesse of yours , make her crooked . But if she will be loose , you shall never binde her ; if she will , she will . Locks shall not barre her , nor Doores imprison her , nor Stone-walls ram her up ; if her minde hath wings , over will she flie , and her body shall mount .

Your Fortune therefore is ; If you cannot alter your beliefe , then you shall be your owne Martyr , still living in torments , never-dying in them , till they and you die together : your body shall grow leane with fretting ; your face pale with your feares ; your goods melt away by your carelessenesse ; yet you full of Care : Age will clap you on the shoulder , whil'st you are yong , and your head grow white before you are old . Your Children you will not love , because you suspect they are Bastards : your meat you will hardly touch , mistrusting shee will poyson it : you shall never be merry at heart , never sleepe soundly , never sit , but sigh ; never walke , but distracted ; And never die , but in despaire to leave her to any other , whom you so desire to ingrosse to your selfe . Your best way , is to thinke the best , and judge the best . — Ptrooh ( cryed he ) Beware-Hornes , and so , like an Oxe , broke loose and ran out at gate .

A Lover comes to know his Fortune .

WHo next ( said Orlotto ? ) I heare one at gate , and 't is a temperate knocker , What is he ? O sir , said Ioculo , 't is a pale yong man , his eyes are sunk in 's head , Cheekes leane , and Lips bloodlesse ; very neat in Gloathes , his Armes a-crosse , so hard pressing his stomack , that out flyes a Sigh , and hangs at his Band-string , tumbling there in a little hoope of Gold . Now he reades , And now he sighs agen , and turnes up the white o' th eye .

By all these dead Colours , he should , said Orlotto , be some Inamorato , some passionate Lover . O , he 's here of himselfe : Young-man , you are welcome , What ayle your eyes ? have you bin crying ?

Crying ! ( said he ) O eyes ! no eyes but fountains full of Teares . A line in Ieronimo ( cryed the Boy . )

The Lovers speech .

I Confesse it , said the Lover , 't is in Ieronimo , and I am Ieronimo ; for I have a son murdred ; the sonne of my mother is made away by the cruelty of a Maid ; I am Iphis , She Anaxarete : Sir , I am by profession , a Puny-Clerke , and serve in the Chancery ; my Masters daughters eyes has bewitcht me , and I am mad , directly mad . Sayes Orlotto , Doth the Maid love you ? Love me ! cryed out the Lover , with a head hung aside , and hands heav'd up . This is Daniels Delia , cryed Ioculo . True said th'other , for I am Daniel , shee my Delia : O had she not been faire , and so unkinde , My Muse had slept ; and none had knowne her minde . Were it not ( admired Hebrew ) that I fed upon these scrapps of Poetry , this Maid would famish me : I am as I said before , a Chancery Moate playing in the Sun-beames of that conscionable Court ; a true Chancery-man has but one Pen , so have I , one pen , one mistris : and yet for all the Bills of Complaint , which I draw , and put up to her beauty , shee serves me still with Sub-paena upon Sub-paena , to answer to the Intergatories of her cruelty : She has Demurs , and Replications , and Rejoynders ; but my case hangs , and no order can I get set downe in this tediour Court of Cupid , she undoes me at my very desk ; for when I am copying out a Bill with 12 , or 14 lines in a sheet , if I but thinke on her , I lash out such wide stradling F. F. that my conscience methinks , runs between the gowty legs of them .

The Lovers Fortune .

TO whom , the Jew , thus ; Yong-man , I am sorry you so over-conceit my ability , to imagine I can call downe a Starre , or that a Starre can come at my call , to satisfie you , or any man in such an idlenesse .

You say , you are a Clarke , and Clarkes should have some seeds of Schollers in them . Remember , Otia si tollas , follow the heeles of your Law , and looke not at the fine foot of your Mistresse ; ply your Chancery-deske , and forget your Masters Coy Daughter , if she moves in a sphear too high for you , stand not staring up , least dust fall into your eyes : you are young , and handsome , and may meet her equall , to like you better , and love you better ; whistle not a hauke to your fist , that is haggard ; let her alone , till some other lures her downe : see this coy Thing married , and bear Children , and looke pale and leane , and ill-favour'd , hear her tongue to her husband , see her pride over her Servants , and then , be glad thou hast missed such a torment : but if no counsell can warne you , Then here is your Fortune .

You shall lie on your backe ( in your bed ) like an Astronomer , to take the height of this Starre , yet never reach it : an Ague cannot so shake you , as this sicknesse ; it will turne to our Cupids Calentures in time , and make you throw your selfe over-board into a desperate Grave ; you shall save much meate by your fasting , but will have drinke in abundance from your eyes ; one sigh is too much to cast away upon a cruell-one : but you by yout sighing , will be nothing but ayre : no mourners shall come to your Funerall , for the death of a meere Lover , is ridiculous ; you should bee buried naked , because Love goes so , and your eyes thrust out by Cupids Arrows , because having sight given to an excellent end , ( to looke up to Heaven , and to practise Astrologicall conclusions upon that Caelestiall Globe ) when upon Earth , your eye is made Surveyor of all the great works under the King of kings : you tosse the balls of those eyes , onely at the beauty of a foolish yong wanton , who with disdaine , bandies them back into your owne bosome . You delight I see to deale a little in Verse , your Fortune shall bee shut up in Verse .

That Lover , whom proud beauty makes more bold , Sits by a painted fire ; dyes through cold .

The Lover went away , with this onely in his mouth , Hei mihi quòd nullis amor est medicabilis herbis . Ah! wo is me , no Physicke can discover , Where that herb grows , which cures a wounded Lover .

A Witch comes to know her Fortune .

THe Lover , ( who said hee was bewitched ) was no sooner gone , but a Witch came in ; for the Gates flew open as if the Divell had been a Fencer , to make way before her . At sight of this strange apparition , blesse us ( said Ioculo ) I have been in Lap-land , and here I thinke comes one of the bear-ey'd Bell-dames , with a hand-kercher tyed full of knots to sell a winde to us .

The Witches speech .

HAile Jew ( quoth the Witch so soone as she spied him , ) I could finde in my heart , to call down the Moone by a Charme , I am so vex'd ; poor hobling old Woman , I pluck down the Moone ! so can I turne Bun-hill yonder into the highest mountaine in the World , and all-one . My staffe here carries my shrievell'd carcasse no sooner through the streets but men jeere mee , out Witch cry women , whilst the boyes hoot , fling stones , and runne afore me , with a Witch , a Witch , a Witch , only in their mouthes ; would I endure this , if I were a Witch ? if I were a Witch , would I not be reveng'd ? I would , I would by Snap , Tracer , Smirk , if there be any such spirits . But I would know by these barking Currs why they thus bite at me ? why bite they not the glorious Witches in the kingdome ? why bite they not them ? why burne they not them ? are there not gay painted Witches , hurried in Caroches ? from whose eyes , Lust kindles Bone-fires ? from whose naked paps ( laid out ) wantons suck the milk of time ; are there not ruffling Sattin-Witches ; that turne whole Lordships to Wardrobes of rich clothes ; that turn Acres into gold Lace Ploughs and Teams into Flanders Mares and Coches ? are there not City-Witches , that turne their husbands Shoppes of wares to sumptuous Tables , and close garden riots ; wasting more in one yeere , then was scraped together in seven ? These are the fine Witches , and none dare abuse them ; but because I am a deformed creature , I am a course Witch , and every body tels me I shall be burnt ; for what am I to be burnt ? for cursing yong rogues that follow me , they die within a day or two ; must I therfore bewitch them ? tell me now thou sweet fac'd-Jew , what shall become of me ? shall Newgate be my Inne ? is 't my Fortune to have a good fire to warme me ere I die ? fetch then the Faggots and the Reeds , for I am weary of this World . Say Jew , what 's my Fortune ?

The Witches Fortune .

TO whom , Orlotto , thus ; Woman , that thou art a Witch , or no ; for all thy opinion of my skill is beyond my knowledge : But if thou art one , then will I tell thee what Monster thou art .

A Witch , is the Devills Otter-hound , living both on Land and Sea , and doing mischiefe in either ; she kills more beasts , then a licensed Butcher in Lent , yet is nere the fatter ; shee 's but a dry Nurse for the Flesh , yet gives suck to the Spirit . A Witch ! rides many times poast on hellish businesses , yet if a Ladder do but stop her , shee 'll be hang'd ere shee goes any further . In all her life-time shee has but one Cause tryed at Law , and where others pay for expedition , she findes such dispatch , that in three or foure dayes at most , she hath both Judgement and Execution come forth .

A Hangman is the last man she parts with , from whom if she askes any thing , he puts her off : when her life is weighing Anchor , and hoy sing Saile , her ship ( the Conscience ) is of a great burden , and unlesse she hath mighty helpe to cast all her Sinnes over-Board , her lading is lost forever , in turning of a hand . What death soever shee 's put to , shee can be no Martyr , yet suffers for the Truth . A Witch , This is the Picture ; If you bee the Person , And mend not your life , ( alter not your courses ) This is your Fortune , To die wretchedly , And after death , Live miserable Eternally .

The old Woman limp'd Crumbling , Mumbling , and Cursing , away .

A Roaring Boy , comes to know his Fortune .

AS the Witch stumbled out at the Gate , a Gallant all in Scarlet , met her , and had almost iusselled her downe ; at which she went away muttering , and he came forward laughing : who is that ( said Orlotto ) is so merry ; some Morris-dancer ? what 's that rings so ? O ( quoth the Boy ) Mr. this is a brave man , in a long horse-mans Coat , ( or gown rather ) down to his heels , daub'd thicke with gold Lace ; a huge Feather in his spangled Hat , a Lock to his shoulders playing with the Winde , a Steeletto hanging at his Girdle ; Belt and Sword embracing his body , and the ring of Bells you heare , are his gingling Cathern-wheele spurs . See sir , here comes the leader of the Myrmidons .

Wher 's this Jew ( cried the Ruffler , ) your businesse ( said Orlotto . )

The Roaring Boyes speech .

O ( Quoth he ) are you this rare fellow ? Jew , I would have thee know , I am a man of the Sword ; a Battoon Gallant , one of our Dammees , a bouncing Boy , a kicker of Bawdes , a tyrant over Puncks , a terrour to Fencers , a mewer of Playes , a jeerer of Poets , a gallon pot-flinger , in rugged English , a Roarer . Fighting is my food , Blood my drink , quarrell my glory , stabbing my triumph ; out of wounds I drinke healths , and out of healths I beget wounds . A man I kill'd but last weeke , and am bound to answer it , A fico ; I care not this : he that dares fig●t , dares dye ; and he that dares dye , makes ● foole of Life .

Some would not kill a man for the World , and what cate I if I had stab'd a World ? your greater kill-cowes have ever ( besides Butchers ) beene the bravest men . Jew , I have read History , and Chronicles ; and am such a Duellist , that it fattens me , and wattens mee , when I heare of a Combat well per●orm'd ; gashes , and slashes I honour , knee-deep in Gore , oh ! then I Roare .

Ever since man was made a Cutler , killing has been in fashion ; men and women have been good at ●t : Medea , kild her Brother ; Iugurth , his ; Antiochus the Great , his ; Romulus , his ; an English King first thrust out his Brothers eyes , then kild him with starving . Alexius , ( a fine roague ) kill'd Isaac Angelus the Emperour , who brought him from the Oar , and the Bulls-pizle . Nero , kild his Mother ; Husbands have kill'd their Wives , Wives their H●sbands ; Kings , their Queenes ; Queenes , their Kings . The King of Pontus slew his Wife Laodice ; That cuckolds Brother ( Agamemnon ) dyed by his Wifes treachery . These stories I love , these Tragedies are my Comedies ; why ( Jew ) dost thou so eye my Habit , is 't not rich ? is 't not brave ? yes said Orlotto , but somewhat phantasticke ; so much the better , ( cry'd the other ) the more phantasticke men and women are , the sooner Fashions alter ; the more they alter , the more worke has the Tayler ; the more work he does , the richer he growes ; the richer the Subject growes , more honour to the Country , and therefore nothing is lost by phantasticallity . But now Jew to the cause of my coming , I would faine know of thee what luck , Good or Bad , that Whore , Fortune , purposes to conferre upon me .

The Roaring Boy , his Fortune .

SIR , what lies within the Circle of my apprehension , shall be yours ; you say you are a Roarer , Lions roare , and yet at one time or other are outroar'd : delight you in blood ? your delight will be your downfall ; Judges sit in Scarlet to condemn men , and a Crimson sword shall condemn you : nothing is so superstitious as the life of man , and nothing so pernitious as to spill it ; the anoynting of Kings is not so sacred , as the ssucing out of blood is detestable : when man loves man , he lives with his Maker ; when man kils man , hee dwels ( without repentance ) with the Devill . Your Fortune is , if you goe on in your Roaring , on in your fighting , on in your stabbing , on in your killing ; you shall be fear'd by some , hated by All : none will pray for you but Surgeons ; but the Wife and Children , kindred , and friends of him whom you have kild , or whom you shall kill , will curse you for ever .

After your quarrels , your stabbing and fighting , your sleeps will be full of frights , your walking by day full of feares , of Constables , and Warrants , and Pistols , so to bee kild suddenly , and unprepar'd for mercy i● dreadfull ; and you must look so to dye , if you compell others to dye so , your life being a continuall Warre , what peace can attend upon your death . This is all I can say to you , the path to Heaven , is a milky way ; not a bloudy : that milky way is for milk-shoppes ( cryed the Roarer ) and so farewell Jew .

The voluntary Banckrupt would know his Fortune .

WHo comes next said Orlotto ? one knocks , looke out Ioculo ; I know not ( said hee ) what he is , but it seems to be some Aldermans deputy by his Beard ; a Church-warden by his gravity , and a Constable by his surly face . Judge else , he 's here .

The Banckrupts speech .

LEarned Jew , wisedome ever attend you ; sir , I am a Citizen , and my ambition is , to beare up the reputation of such a name : I love to swimme , but it is death for me to sink ; to be call'd a wealthy Citizen , is my minde , as great an honour as to bee call'd Bethlem-Gabor , or Spinola , or Tilley , they fight for glory , ( and we Citizens strive for Riches ) and is more glorious , than to muster an Army of golden angels on a Table .

The secrets of many Trades I know ; and their od wayes , tricks , devices , pollicies , knaveries to get money ; and none dare tax them : none will , because all ( for the most part ) are Black-a-Mores as well as themselves : who in an Hospitall , will upbraid his fellow with my disease , when hee that reviles the other , lies himselfe there sick of the Pox ? I , seeing this corruption in all Professions , doe not greatly care to be corrupt too : being among Crows , why should not I bee ravenous , and learne to pecke out eyes ? when all the people in the World are Doves , then will I be a Turtle .

Some care not whom they undoe , so they may scrape Pelfe together ; I think therefore it is no great sinne to undoe the undoers . A voluntary Banckrupt then is a necessary member in a City ; a sword of Justice , to punish offenders ; a good Ant before-hand in Summer to bee armed for Winter : an indulgent nurse to himself , and a carefull Father to his Family . Is it not a wretched reproach for a man , a Citizen , a great Trader , a busie Shop-keeper to leave his Wife poor , and his Children beggars ? that scandall will I fan off from mine , and my posterity : for ( Jew ) I am not asham'd to tell you , that I have playd the Jew with my Christian-brother Citizens , have got into my hands the goods of many , to enrich one , ( that 's my selfe ; ) what care I for being call'd Banckrupt : why should Ludgate be more disgrace to me than any other Gate ? do I not see a company of brave fellows live there ? are not their fine Wives , as merry with them there , as at home ? have they not Pasties of Venison there , and bottles of Wine upon bottles ? are they not full of Gold and Silver ? can they not lye at their owne houses , when they list , and walke abroad when they list ; if there be not the clogge of an Execution tyed to their legge ? who then would not breake ? who would not lie there ? O! but to lie there , and spend other mens money ! doe not all Shop-keepers , that sweare and lie put off bad Commodities , spend others estates so too ?

I would gladly therefore ( O noble Jew ) bee informed from your knowledge in the influences of the Stars , what Fortune shall be mistresse over these goods , thus gotten ; and what honor I may raise my selfe and Children to , if the goods can bee kept together .

The voluntary Banckrupts Fortune .

TO whom the Jew thus replyed , to take a Purse by the High-way , albeit it bee manly , yet it is villany : he yet ventures his life in the taking of it , and his neck , when it is taken ; a traveller may bee arm'd against such a mischiefe : the Thiefe robs but one ; O! but to get mens goods , by a faire way of friendly trading ; and then to impoverish the owner of them , what robbery is like it : there are many wayes to prevent a Thiefe , a voluntary Banckrupt , none . Such a Land-Pirat steals not from one , but from hundreds ; he does undoe Towns in the Country , if he deales with Chapmen , whole streets in the City ; whole Families in severall Parishes . What Fortune now , thinke you , can attend upon such doings . This Fortune , and this shall be yours .

If either by cozenage , tricks in Law , or by any other divellish net ; you goe a fishing for other mens estates , you shall have the curse of masters of families , the wo-worths of mothers ; the lack-and-well-adaes of Children ; and the bitter execrations of Servants . You shall bee all your life-time counted but a Thiefe , your Wife pointed at , for jetting in stolne feathers ; and your children hated worse than Bastards : flourish you may a while in the World ; you may laugh , drinke Wine , and be free from Prison , upon paying Ten groats or so in the Pound ; and then you may set up againe , and breake againe ; and play the Thiefe againe , but the hanging comes in the end .

You Break , and 't is a proper word , for you break the hearts of undone Citizens ; what follows ? when you come to die , there 's no breaking away then ; to come to die , makes a foole of all your cunning ; all your cozenage : to come to die , puzzels the most politicke Banckrupt ; hee 's never put to his trumps but at that hour : It is the terrible reckoning ( then ) the fearfullest casting up what every mans Ware comes to , whom you have cheated ; the hardest lesson that flesh and bloud can take forth : you shall on your death-bed Rave , and Sweare you see undone Orphans crying , and wringing their hands ; your sinnes will stand round about you : conscience ( all spotted ) ringing one Bell in your right eare , and despaire , another in the left : hell gaping for his share , the grave for his ; and then if an arme Omnipotent flings not by the Curtains , to take you by the hand , with a voice ; crying , Restore thy stolne goods ; and then come away , and fear nothing : what a mis●rable Fortune will this bee to you . The Banckrupt held down his head , as asham'd ; said nothing , and so parted .

A Sergeant of London comes to know his Fortune .

WHo is that ( said Orlotto ) that beates with such authority ? Marry , sayes the Boy , by his quick eye , a Mace in his hand , and a Gowne on his back , It should be an Officer . I feare no arrests , quoth the Jew , Call him in .

The Sergeants speech .

THo I come to thee , learned Sir , with this Copper Pestle in my hand , it is to shew you what I am ( a Sergeant of London : ) What I have been , is delivered in three words , ( A Citizen of London , A broken Citizen , ) and yet having some money in my hands , I laid by my trade , and bought this Office . I know , the sight of such a Gowne , hath put many into Agues : This Scepter of authority ( but laid on a mans shoulder ) hath bruised all his Bones , yet Mace is wholesome . Many , in scorne , call us ( by a base nick-name ) Catchpolls , But what care I for that , when I know the Profession is honest , and a Christian Calling . When Knights and Swaggerers in the world , take up Commodities , and run in debt to honest Shop-keepers , And that they ( like a guard of Muffes ) every morning , waite at their doores to get their money , yet come without it ; Then the honest Officer has a Charme in his hand to fetch in all such Debts : What a sweet Chime in the eare of a Citizen is , I arrest you , to a Gallant that is deepe in his books ? were it not for men of my Coate , how many shop-keepers would bee undone ? what frayes , and what frights would there be in the City by Roarers ; but that they dare not come hither for feare of our faces ? this looke of mine , through a red Lattice , has been as killing , as a Musquet out of a Loop-hole .

And what doe we , when lovingly we embrace a mans middle ; wee come behinde him , because wee would not fright him too much ; and to shew wee are good subjects , we Arrest all in the Kings name .

Arrest ! O sweet word ! O word of peace ! for , when Gentlemen are weary with Riding , or trotting after Lawyers ; we bring them to a Rest , a quiet Rest : we are their Doctors , they our Patients ; and what Physicke doe we minister ? none but gentle physick at first ; a cup of Burnt-wine in a Tavern in Winter , or Wine and Sugar in Summer : if these Glisters cannot give them easie stooles , then wee gently lead them into the Compter , and there give them a vomit , to retch up all the melancholly stuffing in their bodies : and what is the Compter ? is it not a Colledge where they may study ? is it not the Paper-house , a Book , where they may read what they are , and learne to turne over a new leafe ? yes sure .

Now Sir , all I desire at your hands , is to know whether by my place ( my trade of shoulder-clapping ) I shall ever come to any good , or no ; that is , whether I shall ever be Rich .

The Sergeants Fortune .

YOu may , if you get your mony with no rugged hands . If you rack Gentlemen , when they are in your hands , Take heed of the Temple-garden , lest you fall into the Thames . If you hale a poore Tradesman to prison , he crying , He shall never come out , but is undone for ever , And that you know before he is arrested , that it will undoe him ; your Fortune will be one day , to finde a slaw in your Conscience for that Fee so taken . If you care not how desperately you venture on Gallants , because if they cut or stab you , you suck money out of wounds , and recover , by Law , great summes for little scratches ; Your Fortune shall be to scape , One , Two , or Three such Roaring Degoes , but a fourth will give you that which you can never recover . I doe not discommend your Calling , but your Cruelty : use all men gently , and then , some shall speake nobly of you , and give you that Character which sticks upon few of your Tribe , An honest Sergeant . Hee thanked him , and offered to Arrest for him , either Jew , or Christian : and so tooke his leave , to waite on the Sheriffe his Master .

A Thiefe comes to know his Fortune .

LOoke out Boy ( said Orlotto ) Another knocks . I see ( quoth Ioculo ) a man , and a Head standing upon shoulders , but it has no face , That 's muffled in a Cloake lined through with Velvet . The Head has a long Lock , and a thick Bush , It may be a Thiefe lurks in it . See , sir , hee 's come .

Are you , ( said the Thiefe ) that Jew so talked on for your skill ? What 's your businesse said Orlotto ?

The Thiefes speech .

I Am then ( noble Jew ) a Gentleman by birth , and a younger Brother , by the sluggishnesse of my Father , who made not haste enough to beget me , before the rest of my brothers ; So that having no lands left me . I make shift to pick out a living at my fingers ends . I have been a Thiefe these fifteen yeeres , and am not yet ashamed of my Occupation . Why ( if I be the Kings Subject ) shall not the Kings High-way allow me Maintenance , when no body else will ?

I see , every Sessions , Carts full drawne up Hol-bourne , Farewell they , these are Riff-raffe Theeves , the Scum of a State , Pilferers , Pick-pockets , and Cut-purses : But a brave Purse-taker , is the Great-Turke of Cavileroes , to such bastardly Handy-Crafts .

To play the Thiefe , is a part studied both by Sea and Land : Men in dicing will juggle in false ones , and what 's that but Thriving ? All that are voluntary Bankrupts are Theeves . How many Rich men steale to the beds of Whores ? And how many faire Women , to the beds of Knaves ? If then , examples can give priviledges , my Robbing is warrantable . A lusty , hardy , tall Thiefe , who ( tho himselfe rides on a good Gelding , yet cryes to him whom hee meets , Stand ) may be a Leader of men ; for he does such Courtisies to them on the way , that he bindes them to him . All Executors that rob Orphans of their portions , are Theeves , and deserve more to be hang'd then a Purser . A Purser is a good place , in a ship , but I hold my Pursing-place better on shore . I pray , Jew , tell me whether I was not borne under Mercury , ( for he is the Thiefes Planet ) and what , if I continue in my Trade , I must trust too ? My Fortune , speake quickly .

The Thiefes Fortune .

YOu must , said Orlotto , trust to be Trussed up . And so farewell .

Jew , quoth he , would I had thee but on Gads-hill , I am not Noos'd yet : and so stole away as he came in , Muffled .

A Hang-man comes to know his Fortune .

AS the Thiefe went out at gate , one met him .

Is there any body else , said Orlotto , Yes , said Ioculo , I see one comming , who meeting the Pursy Gallant full at gate , looked back at him , shooke his head , and lifted up one finger , as if he should say , Aha! do I know thee . What he is , let himselfe tell you , for this is the party .

The Hangmans speech .

WHich , I pray , is the Cunning-man , said he ? I met a Yonker at your gate , who if he came to looke his Fortune , might have saved his labour , and found out me ; I know him , and shall one day , I feare , tell him the last Fortune that ever he shall lay hold on .

Why , said Orlotto , what are you ? I am , quoth he , a man that have few fellowes in England ; no Butcher , yet deale altogether in Mans and Womans flesh , yet , for all that , I am no Caniball . I am the Ladder of the Law , by which many Malefactors climbe up the steps of Reformation : No grand Jury-man am I , yet sit upon life and death as often as any of them doth . A Rope-maker is my back friend , yet my man : A Carman drives my Coach , and the Sergeants of London are my guard of Billmen . I am no Gentleman borne , yet sometimes keepe Gentlemen at my heels , for I have land ( a little piece of ground ) on this side Paddington , and such as are my Tenants , there pay me what we bargaine for ; all this description of my selfe , shews , that albeit I met a tall rank Thiefe at your gates , yet I am a true hangman , an officer of the City by my place , and at all Executions of Justice I am seated highest , for all the other Officers are under me : a hangman ( some thinke , 't is a word of disgrace , a title of infamy . ) What are they then that behind their backs hang one another ? for my part I make peace , and draw quarrelling companies to a-Cord : your roaring Boyes whom whole streets of Constables ( now and then ) cannot tame , when they come under my fingers , are as hush'd as Schoole-boyes .

Why then is the trade of hanging such a reproach to me ? is it not a word used in Noble-mens houses as an honour to such places , these are costly rich hangings ? when a Lady is passionate , and full of sorrow ; do you not say she hangs the head ? do not Women hang about their husbands neckes , and innocent Children about their Mothers . This word hanging is no such scurvy English as the Gallowes-Audience take it to be ; the word is ancient , and signifies much : to some it is a Deaths head ; the very sound of the word ( hanging ) makes many a one that is altogether unlettered , to fall to his Booke , and learne his Neck-verse : how many base fellowes whom some thought would never have come to good , yet in my company do not only pray heartily themselves , but request others to pray for them ? You now know who I am , and with what Broome I use to sweepe the Common-wealth of Enormities : yet because I am hated , revil'd by crack-halters , scolded at by fish-wives , and oftentimes after an Execution , almost beaten to death by them . I pray ( Mr. Jew ) bestow a cast of your Office upon me ( a poor member of the law ) by telling me my Fortune whether I shall die in my bed , or no , or what else shal happen to me ; and if ever any theeving Tartarian should break in upon you , I will with both hands nimbly lend a cast of my office to him .

The Hangmans Fortune .

SAyes Orlotto , I should be sorry ever to trouble you that way ( in your Precinct : ) what you are , I know by the woefull experience of others ; a Retainer to a violent Death ; and a kind of Purveyor to him , taking up his provision , as Axes , Ropes , Cords , Knives , Gibbets , Racks , Ladders , &c. your place in the garden of a State is to cut downe Briers , and pluck up Weeds : your office ( if you call it an office ) is , I confesse , as necessary as a Surgeons ; hee cures Wounds , you Wickednes . Shall I tell you in what account a fellow of your hempen qualities is held in Germany ? when he comes to take his oath , there 's a new stool made for him , upon which he sits bare-headed before the Burgers ( his Masters ) and there laying his hand on a Book , he 's sworn to betray Father , Mother , Kindred , Friend , or Foe : and there being bidden to rise up ( Thief-leader ; ) He has a kicke on the taile given him , and the stoole before his face , burnt in the fire ; prepared for that purpose onely , as unfit for any other man to sit upon it ; Any one that doth but drinke with him , being thought a Schellum , and as infamous as the Carnifex himselfe , but in England you are not so branded . Would you know your Fortune ? If all the World were honest , you might goe hang your selfe ; for you should ( else ) have no Worke ; the diseases of a City must keepe you sound ; the worser the Rabble or Rogues are , the better you thrive : Witches , Traytors , and Murderers , shall be to your last day your best Benefactors ; and yet for all your Wardrobes of hanged mens clothes ; for all your dozen of shirts at a time made at the Gallowes , you must be content to live a Threed-bare Knave , and die a begger .

No blessing can follow such a cursed tormenter ; thy dreams shall be of nothing but of wry mouthes , blabbed tongues , knots under the care , and poore tottred wretches stript and tumbled stark naked into a nasty pit one upon another : Whether thou shalt die in thy bed or no , my spirits are so dogged , they will not tell me ; hope the best : But if ( as others of thy coate , ) thou by touching Pitch continually art defiled , as they were : then be sure to take thy leave of the World like a hangman . With a looke ( as if hee had beene going to the Gallowes ) hee went away .

Tiburne comes to know his Fortune .

A Thiefe going off the stage but a little before , and the hangman entring presently after ; who ( if not Tiburne ) should step in next ? Ioculo therefore standing on Tipto to looke toward the Gate , was halfe afraid , shook , and grew pale : what ail'st thou ( said his Master , ) O sir cryed he ; yonder is a Thing comming hither that is no man , and yet no monster ; Hee knew the Hangman , and shooke him by the unlucky golls : It hath Three Feet , and no Head that I see , ( at least no Face ; ) yet it weares a Three Cornered Cappe ; a goodly Timberd Gentleman it is , if it bee a Gentleman : looke , looke , ( O Master , ) with much adoe , it hath crowded in . The Jew was agast to behold such a motion ; but then it thus spake ;

Tiburnes speech .

WOnder not Jew , nor be afrighted to see a dead Tree thus remov'd from his Centers ; neither admire that I speake and have a voice , for so many comming on fatall Errands to mee from Newgate , they ( at my home ) loose their lives ; and all their voyces flie into me . That Trees have motion , you see in every field how they wanton with the winds , that they sometimes speake . Remember Aeneas his tearing downe Boughes to prepare a Sacrifice ; which Boughes ran with bloud : and then a voyce out of a Tree discovering the murder of Polidore , who there lay buried . Remember the old verse of a Lute speaking thus ; Alive i' th Woods , till Blowes me fell'd to 'th ground , Dumb , Living ; Dead , I yeeld a heavenly sound .

NOw albeit these Patterns did not priviledge mee ; yet I have had to doe with so many Witches , Magitians , Conjurers , and great Schollers ; that by the Charmes ( learnt from them ) it is easie for mee : thus to come to you , and thus to salute you .

My name is famous through England , and in other Countreys ; of a long standing am I ; and of great practice for that which I professe , and yet my name is not so ill as some would have it : For my right name is Tey-Bourne , and not Tiburne . Bourne , signifies a River ; and the River Tey , runs by me , sending his loue in Pipes to Holbourne : So , Tey-bourne feeds Holbourne ; and Holbourne , Tiburne .

I am cursed for hanging so many every Sessions ; alas , I send not for them , they are brought to mee ; and shall not I doe my office : I take no pleasure in mens deaths . Yet I confesse it delights mee when Carts full of Traytors ( that would blow up a Kingdome ) stand round about me ; I have seene fine fellowes on their prauncers ride by mee , shaking their wands at me , laughing and jeering mee to my face ; yet within one fortnight after , I have had them under my fingers . Alas poor Tiburne , little doth the World know what I feele : I endure Haile , Snow , Frosts , Lightning , and Thunder in the day time ; I am cursed , scorned , and hacked with Swords ; in the night the ghosts of men and women , buried there , come round about my fields groaning , and shrieking , and wishing , those that have beene brought to the last turning off from one of my ladders , yet were repriev'd , and sent backe , to amend their courses : and counselling all such that are likely to go Westward , to saile by a better Compasse ; and not to make my Narrow Sea their way to Heaven .

Now , ever learned and reverend Jew ; say what shall become of me , what shall I doe . What Fortune will the fates hang upon my shoulder .

Tiburnes Fortune .

THis said Orlotto .

Thou shalt stand long in earth , but not grow higher ; and ( old ) be hewne , and throwne into the fire : at which word it vanished . I have not heard ( said Ioculo ) such a talking Gallowes ; but sir , the clocke of my belly bids me tell you 't is Noone . So the Jew arose , and forc'd me to stay Diner .

FINIS .