The returne from Pernassus: or The scourge of simony Publiquely acted by the students in Saint Iohns Colledge in Cambridge.

Actus 1. Scena 1. Ingenioso , with Iuuenall in his hand . Ingenioso . DIfficile est , Satyram non scribere , nam quis iniquae Tam patiens vrbis , tam furens vt teneat se ? I , Iuuenall : thy ierking hand is good , Not gently laying on , but fetching bloud . So surgean-like thou dost with cutting heale , Where nought but lanching can the wound auayle . O suffer me , among so many men , To tread aright the traces of thy pen . And light my linke at thy eternall flame , Till with it I brand euerlasting shame , On the world's forhead and with thine owne spirit , Pay home the world according to his merit . Thy purer soule could not endure to see , Euen smallest spots of base impurity : Nor could small faults escape thy cleaner hands , Then foule faced Vice was in his swadling bands . Now like Anteus growne a monster is , A match for none but mighty Hercules . Now can the world practise in playner guise , Both sinnes of old and new borne villanyes . Stale sinnes are stole : now doth the world begin To take sole pleasure in a witty sinne . Vnpleasant is the lawlesse sinne has bin , At midnight rest , when darknesse couers sin . It 's Clownish vnbeseeming a young Knight , Vnlesse it dare outface the gloring light . Nor can it nought our gallants prayses reape , Vnlesse'it be done in staring Cheape . In a sinne-guilty Coach not cloasely pent , Iogging along the harder pauement . Did not feare check my repining sprit , Soone should my angry ghost a story write . In which I would new fostred sinnes combine , Not knowne earst by truth telling Aretine .

Scena 2. Enter Iud Ingenioso , Iudicio . Iud.

What Ingenioso , carrying a Vinegar bottle about thee , like a great schole-boy giuing the world a bloudy nose ?

Ing.

Faith Iudicio , if I carry the vineger bottle , it 's great reason I should confer it vpon the bald pated world : and againe , if my kitchen want the vtensilies of viands , it 's great reason other men should haue the sauce of vineger , and for the bloudie nose , Iudicio , I may chance indeed giue the world a bloudy nose , but it shall hardly giue me a crakt crowne , though it giues other Poets french crownes .

Iud.

I would wish thee Ing. to sheath thy pen , for thou canst not be successefull in the fray , considering thy enemies haue the aduantage of the ground .

Ing.

Or rather Iud . they haue the grounds with aduantage , and the french crownes with a pox , and I would they had them with a plague too : but hang them swadds , the basest corner in my thoughts is too gallant a roome to lodge them in , but say Iudicio , what newes in your presse , did you keepe any late corrections vpon any tardy pamphlets ?

Iud.

Veterem iubes renouare dolorem Ing. what ere befalls thee , keepe thee from the trade of the corrector of the presse .

Ing.

Mary so I will , I warrant thee , if pouerty presse not too much , I le correct no presse but the presse of the people .

Iud.

Would it not grieue any good spirits to sit a whole moneth nitting out a lousy beggarly Pamphlet , and like a needy Phisitian to stand whole yeares , tossing and tumbling , the filth that falleth from so many draughty inuentions as dayly swarme in our printing house ?

Ing.

Come ( I thinke ) we shall haue you put finger in the eye and crie , O friends , no friends , say man what new paper hobby horses , what rattle babies are come out in your late May morrice dounce ?

Iud.

Sly my rimes as thick as flies in th●e sunne , I thinke there be neuer an alle house in England , not any so base a may pole on a country greene , but setts forth some poets petternels or demilaunces to the paper wa●res in Paules Church yard .

Ing.

And well too may the issue of a strong hop learne to hop all ouer England , when as better wittes sit like lame coblers in their studies . Such barmy heads wil alwaies be working , when as sad vineger witts sit souring at the bottome of a barrell : plaine Meteors , bred of the exhalation of Tobacco , and the vapors of a moyst pot , that soure vp into the open ayre , when as sounder wit keepes belowe .

Iud.

Considering the furyes of the times , I could better endure to se those young Can quaffing hucksters shoot of their pellets so they would keepe them from these English flores-poetarum , but now the world is come to that passe , that there starts vp euery day an old goose that sits hatching vp those eggs which haue ben filcht from the nest of Crowes and Kestrells : here is a booke Ing : why to condemne it to cleare the vsuall Tiburne of all missiuing papers , weare too faire a death for so foule an offender .

Ing.

What 's the name of it , I pray thee Iud ?

Iud.

Looke it s here Beluedere .

Ing.

what a belwether in Paules Churchyeard , so cald because it keeps a bleating , or because it hath the tinckling bel of so many Poets about the neck of it , what is the rest of the title .

Iud.

The garden of the Muses .

Ing.

What haue we here , the Poet garish gayly bedeket like fore horses of the parish ? what follows .

Iud. Quem referent musae , viuet dum roboratellus , Dum caelum stellas , dum vehit amnis aquas . Who blurres fayer paper , with foule bastard rimes , Shall liue full many an age in latter times : Who makes a ballet for an ale house doore , Shall liue in future times for euer more . Then ( 〈◇〉 ) thy muse shall liue so long , As drafty ballats to thy praise are song .

But what 's his deuise , Parnassus with the sunne and the lawrel : I wonder this owle dares looke on the sunne and I maruaill this gose flies not the lawrell : his deuise might haue bene better a foole going in to the market place to be seene , with this motto scribimus indocti , or a poore beggar gleaning of eares in the end of haruest , with this word , sua cuique gloria .

Iud.

Turne ouer the leafe Ing : and thou shalt see the paynes of this worthy gentleman , Sentences gathered out of all kind of Poetts , referred to certaine methodicall heades , profitable for the vse of these times , to rime vpon any occasion at a little warning : Read the names .

Ing.

So I will , if thou wilt helpe me to censure them . Edmund Spencer . Henry Constable . Thomas Lodge . Samuel Daniell . Thomas Watson . Michaell Drayton . Iohn Dauis . Iohn Marston . Kit : Marlowe . Good men and true ; stand togither : heare your censure , what 's thy iudgement of Spencer ?

Iud. A sweeter swan then euer song in Poe , A shriller Nightingale then euer blest The prouder groues of selfe admiring Rome . Blith was each vally , and each sheapeard proud , While he did chaunt his rurall minstralsye . Attentiue was full many a dainty eare . Nay hearers hong vpon his melting tong , While sweetly of his Faiery Queene he song . While to the waters fall he tun'd for fame , And in each barke engrau'd Elizaes name . And yet for all this , vnregarding soile Vnlac't the line of his desired life , Denying mayntenance for his deare releife . Carelesse care to preuent his exequy , Scarce deigning to shut vp his dying eye . Ing. Pitty it is that gentler witts should breed , Where thickskin chuffes laugh at a schollers neede . But softly may our honors ashes rest , That lie by mery Chancers noble chest .

But I pray thee proceede breefly in thy censure , that I may be proud of my selfe , as in the first , so in the last , my censure may iumpe with thine . Henry Constable , Samuel Daniel , Thomas Lodg , Thomas Watson .

Iud. Sweete Constable doth take the wondring eare , And layes it vp in willing prisonment : Sweete hony dropping Daniell doth wage Warre with the proudest big Italian , That melts his heart in sugred sonetting . Onely let him more sparingly make vse , Of others wit , and vse his owne the more : That well may scorne base imitation . For Lodge and Watson , men of some desert , Yet subiect to a Critticks marginall . Lodge for his oare in euery paper boate , He that turnes ouer Galen euery day , To sit and simper Euphues legacy . Ing.

Michael Drayton .

Draytons sweete muse is like a sanguine dy , Able to rauish the rash gazers eye . Ing.

How euer he wants one true note of a Poet of our times , and that is this , hee cannot swagger it well in a Tauerne , nor dominere in a hothouse .

Iud.

Iohn Dauis .

Acute Iohn Dauis , I affect thy rymes , That ierck in hidden charmes these looser times : Thy playner verse , thy vnaffected vaine , Is grac't with a fayre and a sooping traine . Ing.

Locke and Hudson .

Iud.

Locke and Hudson , sleepe you quiet shauers , among the shauings of the presse , and let your bookes lie in some old nookes amongst old bootes and shooes , so you may auoyde my censure .

Ing.

Why then clap a locke on their feete , and turne them to commons .

Iohn Marston .

Iud.

What Monsier Kinsayder , lifting vp your legge and pissing against the world , put vp man , put vp for shame .

Me thinks he is a Ruffian in his stile , Withouten bands or garters ornament , He quaffes a cup of frenchmans Helicon . Then royster doyster in his oylie tearmes , Cutts , thrusts , and foines at whomesoeuer he meets . And strewes about Ram-ally meditations , Tut what cares he for modest close coucht termes , Cleanly to gird our looser libertines . Giue him plaine naked words stript from their shirts That might beseeme plaine dealing Aretine : I there is one that backes a paper steed And manageth a pen-knife gallantly , Strikes his poinado at a buttons breadth , Brings the great battering ram of tearms to towns And at first volly of his Cannon shot , Batters the walles of the old fustie world . Ing.

Christopher Marlowe .

Iud. Marlowe was happy in his buskind muse , Alas vnhappy in his life and end , Pitty it is that wit so ill should dwell , Wit lent from heauen , but vices sent from hell . Ing. Our Theater hath lost , Pluto hath got , A Tragick penman for a driery plot .

Beniamin Iohnson .

Iud.

The wittiest fellow of a Bricklayer in England .

Ing.

A meere Empyrick , one that getts what he hath by obseruation , and makes onely nature priuy to what he endites , so slow an Inuentor , that he were better betake himselfe to his old trade of Bricklaying , a bould whorson , as confident now in making of a booke , as he was in times past in laying of a brick .

William Shatespeare .

Iud. Who loues Adonis loue , or Lucre's rape , His sweeter verse contaynes hart robbing life , Could but a grauer subiect him content , Without loues foolish lazy languishment . Ing.

Churchyard .

Hath not Shor's wife although a light skirts she , Giuen him a chast long lasting memory ? Iud. No all light pamphlets once I finden shall , A Churchyard and a graue to bury all . Ing.

Thomas Nashdo .

I heare is a fellowe Iudicio that carryed the deadly stocke in his pen , whose muse was armed with a gagtooth , and his pen possest with Hercules furies .

Iud. Let all his faultes sleepe with his mournfull chest , And then for euer with his ashes rest . His stile was wittie , though he had some gal , Something he might haue mended ; so may all . Yet this I say , that for a mother witt , Fewe men haue euer seene the like of it . Ing. Reades the rest . Iud.

As for these , they haue some of them beene the old hedgstaket of the presse , and some of them are at this instant the botts and glanders of the printing house . Fellowes that stand onely vpon tearmes to serue the tearme , with their blotted papers , write as men goe to stoole , for needes , and when they write , they write as a Beare pisses , now and then drop a pamphlet .

Ing.

Durum telum necessitas . Good fayth they do as I do , exchange words for mony , I haue some traffique this day with Danter , about a little booke which I haue made , the name of it is a Catalogue of Cambrige Cuckolds , but this Beluedere , this methodicall asse , hath made me almost forget my time : I le now to Paules Churchyard meete me an houre hence , at the signe of the Pegasus in Cheap-side , and I le moyst thy temples with a cuppe of Claret , as hard as the world goes .

Ex. Iudicio .

Actus 1. Scena 3. Enter Danter the Printer . Ing.

Danter thou art deceiued , wit is dearer then thou takest it to bee , I tell thee this libel of Cambridge has much fatt and pepper in the nose : it will sell sheerely vnderhand , when al these bookes of exhortations and Catechismes , lie moulding on thy shopbourd .

Dan .

It 's true , but good fayth M. Ingenioso , I lost by your last booke , and you knowe there is many a one that payes me largely , for the printing of their inuentions , but for all this you shall haue 40. shillings and an odde pottle of wine .

Ing.

40. Shillings ? a fit reward for one of your reumatick poets , that beslauers all the paper he comes by , and furnishes the Chaundlers with wast papers to wrap candles in : but as for me , I le be payd deare euen for the dreggs of my wit : little knowes the worlde what belong to the keeping of a good wit in waters , dietts , drinckes , Tobacco , &c. it is a daynty and costly creature , and therefore I must be payd sweetly : furnish mee with mony , that I may put my selfe in a new sute of clothes , and I le suite thy shop with a new suite of tearmes : it 's the gallantest Child my inuention was euer deliuered off . The title is , a Chronicle of Cambrige Cuckolds : here a man may see what day of the moneth such a mans commons were inclosed , and when throwne open , and when any entayled some odde crownes , vpon the heires of their bodies vnlawfully begotten : speake quickly ells I am gone .

Dan .

Oh this will sell gallantly : I le haue it whatsoeuer it cost , will you walke on M. Ingenioso , wee le fit ouer a cup of wine and agree on it .

Ing.

A cup of wine is as good a Constable as can be , to take vp the quarrell betwixt vs.

Exeunt .

Actus 1. scena 4. Philomusus in a Phisitions habit : Sudioso that is Iaques man , And patient . Phil .

Tit tit Tit , non poynte , non debet fieri phlebetomotio in coitu Lunae : here is a Recîpe .

Pat .

A Recîpe .

Phil .

Nos Gallia non Curamus quantitatem syllabarum : Let me heare how many stooles you doe make . Adeiu mounseir , adeiu good mounseir , what Iaques Il n' a personne apres icy .

Stud .

Non .

Phil . Then let vs steale time for this borrowed shape , Recounting our vnequall happs of late . Late did the Ocean graspe vs in his armes , Late did we liue within a stranger ayre : Late did we see the cinders of great Rome We thought that English fugitiues there eate Gold , for restoratiue , if gold were meate . Yet now we finde by bought experience , That where so ere we wander vp and downe , On the rounde shoulders of this masly world , Or our ill fortunes , or the worldes ill eye Forspeake our good , procures our miserye . Stud . So oft the Northen winde with frozen wings , Hath beate the flowers that in one garden grewe : Throwne downe the stalkes of our aspiring youth , So oft hath winter nipt our trees faire rinde , That now we seeme nought but two bared boughes , Scorned by the basest bird that chirps in groaue . Nor Rome , nor Rhemes that wonted ar to giue , A Cardinall cap , to discontented clarkes , That haue forsooke the home-bred thanked roofes , Yeelded vs any equal maintenance : And it 's as good to starue mongst English swine , As in a forraine land to begge and pine : Phil . I le scorne the world that scorneth me againe . Stud . I le vex the world that workes me so much paine . Phil . Fly lame reuengings power , the world well weenes . Stud . Flyes haue there spleene , each sylly ant his teenes . Phil . We haue the wordes they the possession haue . Stud . We all are equall in our latest graue . Phil . Soone then : O soone may we both graued be . Stud . Who wishes death , doth wrong wise destinie , Phil . It 's wrong to force life , loathing men to breath . Stud . It 's sinne for doomed day to wish thy death . Phil . Too late our soules flit to their resting place . Stud . Why mans whole life is but a breathing space . Phil . A painefull minute seemes a tedious yeare . Stud . A constant minde eternall woes will beare . Phil . When shall our soules their wearied lodge forgoe ? Stud . When we haue tyred misery and woe . Phil . Soone may then fates this gale deliuer send vs. Small woes vex long great woes quickly end vs.

But letts leaue this capping of times Studioso , and follow our late deuise , that wee may maintaine our heads in cappes our bellyes in prouender , and our backs in sadle and bridle : hetherto wee haue sought all the honest meanes we could to liue , & now let vs dare , aliquid breuibus gracis and carcere dignum : let vs run through all the lewd formes of lime-twig purloyning villanyes , let vs proue Cony catchers Baudes , or any thing , so we may rub-out , and first my plot for playing the french Doctor that shall hold : our lodging stand here filthy in shooe lane , for if our commings in be not the better , London may shortely throw an old shooe after vs , and with those shredds of French , that we gathered vp in our hostes house in Paris , wee 'l gull the world , that hath in estimation forraine Phisitians , & if any of the hidebound bretheren of Cambridge and Oxforde , or any of those Stigmatick maisters of arte , that abused vs in times past , leaue their owne Phisitians , and became our patients , wee 'l alter quite the stile of them , for they shal neuer hereafter write , your Lordships most bounden : but your Lordships most laxatiue .

Stud .

It shal be so , see what a little verimine pouerty altereth a whole milky disposition .

Phil . So then my selfe streight with reuenge I le Seate , Stud . Prouoked patience growes intemperate .

Actus 1. Scena 5. Enter Richardetto , Iaques , Scholler learning french . Iaq .

How now my little knaue , quelle nouelle mounseir .

Richar .

Ther 's a fellow with a night cap on his head , an vrinal in his hand , would fayne speake with master Theodore .

Iaq .

Parle Francoyes moun petit ' garsoun .

Richard .

Hy a vn homme aue le bonnet de 〈◇〉 La teste et vn vrinell in la mens , que veut parter , 〈◇〉 Theodore

Iaq .

Foc beieu .

Theod .

Iaques a bonus .

Exeunt

Actus . 1. Scen . 6. Furor poeticus : and presently after enters Phantasma . Furor poeticus rapt within contemplation .

Why how now Pedant Phebus , are you smoutching Thalia on her tender lips ? There hoie : pesant avant : come Pretty shortnosd nimph : oh sweet Thalia , I do kisse thy foote . What Cleio ? O sweet Cleio , nay pray thee do not weepe Melpomene . What Vrania , Polimnia , and Calliope , let me doe reuerence to your deities .

Phantasma puls him by the sleeue . Fur . I am your holy swayne , that night and day , Sit for your sakes rubbing my wrinkled browe , Studying a moneth for on Epithete . Nay siluer Cinthia , do not trouble me : Straight will I thy Endimions storye write , To which thou hastest me on day and night . You light skirt starres , this is your wonted guise , By glomy light perke out your doutfull heades : But when Don Phebus showes his flashing snout , You are sky puppies , streight your light is out . Phan .

So ho , Furor .

Nay prethee good Furor in sober sadnes ,

Furor . Odi profanum vulgus et arceo . Phan .

Nay sweet Furor , ipsae te Tytire pinus ,

Furor . Ipsi te fontes , ipsa haec arbusta vocarunt . Who 's that runs headlong on my quills sharpe poynt . That wearyed of his life and baser breath , Offers himselfe to an Iambicke verse . Phant . Si quoties peccant homines , sua fulmina mittat Iupiter , exiguo tempore inermis erit . Fur . What slimye bold presumtious groome is he , Dares with his rude audacious hardye chatt , Thus seuer me from skibbered contemplation ? Phant . Carmina vel caelo possunt deducere lunam . Furor .

Oh Phantasma : what my indiuiduall mate ?

O mihi post nullos Furor memorande sodales , Furor . Say whence comest thou ? sent from what deytye ? From great Apollo or sly Mercurye . Phan .

I come from the litle Mercury , Ingenioso , For ,

Ingenio pollet cui vim natura negauit . Furor .

Ingenioso ?

He is a pretty inuenter of slight prose :

But there 's no spirit in his groaueling speach , Hang him whose verse can not out-belch the wind : That cannot beard and braue Don Eolus , That when the cloude of his inuention breakes , Cannot out-cracke the scarr-crow thunderbolt . Phan .

Hang him , I say , Pendo pependi , tendo tetendi , pedo pepedi . Will it please you maister Furor , to walke with me . I promised to bring you to a drinking Inne , in Cheapside at the signe of the nagges heade . For ,

Tempore lenta pati fraena docentur equi . Furor .

Passe thee before , I le come incontinent .

Phan .

Nay faith maister Furor , lett s go togither , Quoniam Conuenimus ambo .

Furor .

Letts march on vnto the house of fame :

There quaffing bowles of Bacchus blood ful nimbly , Endite a Tiptoe , strouting poesy . They offer the way one to the other . Phan . Quo me Bacche rapis tui plenum . Tu maior : tibi me est aequum parere Menalca .

Act. secundus : Scena . 3. Enter Philom . Theod . his patient the Burgesse , and his man with his state . Theod . putts on his spectacles .

Mounseiur here are atomi Natantes , which do make shew your worship to be as leacherous as a bull .

Burg .

Truely maister Doctor we are all men .

Theod .

This vater is intention of heate , are you not perturbed with an ake in your race , or in your occiput . I meane your head peece , let me feele the pulse of your little finger .

Burg .

I le assure you M. Theodour , the pulse of my head beates exceedingly , and I thinke I haue disturbed my selfe by studying the penall statutes .

Theod .

Tit , Tit , your worship takes cares of your speeches . O , courae leues loquuntur , ingentes stoupent , it is an Aphorisme in Galen .

Burg .

And what is the exposition of that ?

Theod .

That your worship must take a gland , vt emittatur sanguis : the signe is for execellent , for excellent .

Burg .

Good maister Doctor vse mee gently , for marke you Sir , there is a double consideration to be had of me : first as I am a publike magistrate , secondly as I am a priuate butcher : and but for the worshipfull credit of the place , and office wherein I now stand and liue , I would not hazard my worshipfull apparell , with a suppositor or a glister : but for the countenancing of the place , I must go oftener to stoole , for as a great gentleman told me of good experience , that it was the chiefe note of a magistrate , not to go to the stoole without a phisition .

Theo .

A , vous ettes vn gentell home vraiment , what ho Iaques , Iaques , dou e vous ? vn fort gentel purgation for monsier Burgesse .

Iaq .

Voste tres humble seruiture a vostre commandement .

Theod .

Donne vous vn gentell purge a Monsier Burgesse . I haue considered of the crasis , and syntoma of your disease , and here is vn fort gentell purgation per euacuationem excrementorum , as we Phisitions vse to parlee .

Burg .

I hope maister Doctor you haue a care of the countryes officer , I tell you I durst not haue trusted my selfe with euery phisition , and yet I am not afraide for my selfe , but I would not depriue the towne of so carefull a magistrate .

Theod .

O monsier , I haue a singular care of your valetudo , it is requisite that the French Phisitions be learned and carefull , your English veluet cap is malignant and enuious .

Burg .

Here is maister Doctor foure pence your due , and eight pence my bounty , you shall heare from me good maister Doctor , farewell farewell , good maister Doctor .

Theod . Adieu good Mounsier , adieu good Sir moun●ier . Then burst with teares vnhappy graduate : Thy fortunes still wayward and backward bin : Nor canst thou thriue by vertue , nor by sin . Stud . Oh how it greeues my vexed soule to see , Each painted asse in chayre of dignitye : And yet we grouell on the ground alone , Running through euery trade , yet thriue by none . More we must acte in this liues Tragedy ▪ Phi . Sad is the plott , sad the Catastrophe . Stud . Sighs are the Chorus in our Tragedy , Phil . And rented thoughts continuall actors bee . Stud . Woe is the subiect : Phil . earth the loathed stage , Whereon we act this fained personage . Mosly most like barbarians the spectators be , That sit and laugh at our calamity . Phil . Band be those houres when mongst the learned throng By Grantaes muddy bancke we whilome song , Stud . Band be that hill which learned witts adore , Where earst we spent our stock and little store : Phi . Band be those musty mewes , where we haue spent , Our youthfull daies in paled langushment . Stud . Band be those cosening arts that wrought our woe , Making vs wandring Pilgrimes to and fro . Phil . And Pilgrimes must we be without reliefe , And wheresoeuer we ruir there meets vs greefe . Stud . Where euer we tosse vpon this crabbed stage Griefe 's our companion , patience be our page . Phil . Ah but this patience is a page of ruth , A tired Lacky to our wandering youth .

Actus . 2. Scena . 2. Academico solus . Acad .

Faine wold I haue a liuing , if I could tel how to come by it . Eccho . Buy it .

Buy it fond Ecc ? why thou dost greatly mistake it . Ecc. stake it .

Stake it ? what should I stake at this game of simony ? Ecc : mony

What is the world a game , are liuings gotten by playing ? Eccho . Paying .

Paying ? but say what 's the nearest way to come by a liuing ? Eccho . Giuine .

Must his worships fists bee needs then oyled with Angells ? Eccho . Angels .

Ought his gowty fists then first with gold to be greased ? Eccho . Eased .

And is it then such an ease for his asses backe to cary mony ? Eccho . I.

Will then this golden asse bestowe a vicarige guilded ? Eccho . Gelded .

What shall I say to good Sir Roderick that haue gold here ? Eccho . Cold cheare .

I le make it my lone request , that he wold be good to a scholler . Eccho , Choller ,

Yea , will hee be cholerike , to heare of an art or a science ? Eccho , hence .

Hence with liberal arts , what then wil he do with his chancel ? Echo , sell .

Sell it ? and must a simple clark be fayne to compound then ? Eccho . pounds then .

What if I haue no pounds , must then my sute be proroagued ? Eccho . Roagued .

Yea ? giuen to a Roague ? shall an asse this vicaridge compasse ? Eccho , Asse .

What is the reason that I should not be as fortunate as hee ? Eccho . Asse he .

Yet for al this , with a penilesse purse wil I trudg to his worship Eccho . words cheape .

Wel , if he giue me good words , it 's more thē I haue from an Eccho . Ecch. goe .

Actus . 2. Scena . 3. Amoretto with an Ouid in his hand . Immerito . Amoret .

Take it on the word of a gentleman , thou cannot haue it a penny vnder , thinke out , thinke on it , while I meditate on my fayre mistres .

Nunc sequor imperium magne Cupido tuum . What ere become of this dull thredbare clearke , I must be costly in my mistresses eye : Ladyes regard not ragged company . I will with the reuenewes of my chafred church , First buy an ambling hobby for my fayre : Whose measured pace may teach the world to dance , Proud of his burden when he gins to praunce : Then must I buy a iewell for her eare , A Kirtle of some hundred crownes or more : With these fayre giftes when I accompanied goe , Shee le giue Ioues breakfast : Sidny tearmes it so . I am her needle : she is my Adamant , She is my fayre Rose , I her vnworthy pricke . Acad .

Is there no body heere will take the paines to geld his mouth ?

Amor . Sh's Cleopatra , I Marke Anthony , Acad .

No thou art a meere marke for good witts to shoote at : and in that suite thou wilt make a fine man to dash poore crowes out of countenance .

Amor . She is my Moone , I her Endimion , Acad .

No she is thy shoulder of mutton , thou her onyon : or she may be thy Luna , and thou her Lunaticke .

Amo . I her Aeneas , she my Dido is . Acad . She is thy Io , thou her brasen asse , Or she Dame Phantasy and thou her gull : She thy Pasiphae , and thou her louing bull .

Actus . 2. Scena . 4. Enter Immerito , and Stercutio his father , Ster .

Sonne , is this the gentleman that sells vs the liuing ?

Im.

Fy father , thou must not call it selling , thou must say is this the gentleman that must haue the gratuito ?

Acad .

What haue we heere , old trupenny come to towne , to fetch away the liuing in his old greasy slops , then I le none : the time hath beene when such a fellowe medled with nothing but his plowshare , his spade , and his hobnayles , and so to a peece of bread and cheefe , and went his way : but now these fellowes are growne the onely factors for preferment .

Ster .

O is this the grating gentleman , and how many pounds must I pay ?

Im.

O thou must not call them pounds , but thanks , and harke thou father , thou must tell of nothing that is done : for I must seeme to come cleere to it .

Acad .

Not pounds but thanks : see whether this simple fellow that hath nothing of a scholler , but that the draper hath blackt him ouer , hath not gotten the stile of the time .

Ster .

By my fayth sonne looke for no more portion .

Im.

Well father , I will not , vpon this condition , that when thou haue gotten me the gratuito of the liuing , thou will likewise disburse a little mony to the bishops poser , for there are certaine questions I make scruple to be posed in .

Acad .

He meanes any question in Lattin , which he counts a scruple , oh this honest man could neuer abide this popish tounge of Latine , oh he is as true an English man as liues .

Ster .

I le take the gentleman now , he is in a good vayne , for he smiles .

Amor .

Sweete Ouid , I do honour euery page .

Acad .

Good Ouid that in his life time , liued with the Getes , and now after his death conuerseth with a Barbarian .

Ster .

God bee at your worke Sir : my Sonne told me you were the grating gentleman , I am Stercutio his father Sir , simple as I stand here .

Acad .

Fellow , I had rather giuen thee an hundred pounds , then thou should haue put me out of my excellent meditation , by the faith of a gentleman I was rapt in contemplation .

Im.

Sir you must pardon my father , he wants bringing vp .

Acad .

Marry it seemes he hath good bringing vp , when he brings vp so much mony .

Ster .

Indeede Sir , you must pardon me , I did not knowe you were a gentleman of the Temple before .

Amor .

Well I am content in a generous disposition to beare with country education , but fellow what s thy name ?

Ster .

My name Sir , Stercutio Sir .

Why then Stercutio , I would be very willing to be the instrument to my father , that this liuing might be conserted vpon your sonne : mary I would haue you know , that I haue bene importuned by two or three seueral Lordes , my Kinde cozins , in the behalfe of some Cambridge man : and haue almost engaged my word . Mary if I shall see your disposition to be more thankfull then other men , I shal be very ready to respect kind natur'd men : for as the Italian prouerbe speaketh wel , Chi ha haura .

Acad .

why here is a gallant young drouer of liuings .

Ster .

I beseech you sir speake English , for that is naturall to me & to my sonne , and all our kindred , to vnderstand but one language .

Amor .

Why thus in plaine english : I must be respected with thanks .

Acad .

This is a subtle tractiue , when thanks may be felt and seene .

Ster .

And I pray you Sir , what is the lowest thanks that you will take ?

Acad .

The verye same Method that he vseth at the buying of an oxe .

Amor .

I must haue some odd sprinckling of an hundred pounds , if so , so , I shall thinke you thankfull , and command your sonne as a man of good giftes to my father .

Acad .

A sweete world , giue an hundred poundes , and this is but counted thankfullnesse .

Ster .

Harke thou Sir , you shall haue 80. thankes .

Amor .

I tell thee fellow , I neuer opened my mouth in this kind so cheape before in my life . I tel thee , few young Gentlemen are found that would deale so kindely with thee as I doe .

Ster .

Well Sir , because I know my sonne to be a toward thing and one that hath taken all his learning on his owne head , without sending to the vniuersitye , I am content to giue you as many thankes as you aske , so you will promise me to bring it to passe .

Amor .

I warrant you for that : if I say it once , repayre you to the place , and stay there , for my father , he is walked abroad to take the benefit of the ayre . I le meete him as he returnes , and make way for your suite .

Exeunt Ster . Im.

Act. 2. Scen . 5. Enter Academico . Amoretto . Amor .

Gallant , I faith .

Acad .

I see we schollers fish for a liuing in these shallow foardes without a siluer hoock . Why , wold it not gal a man to see a spruse gartered youth , of our Colledge a while ago , be a broker for a liuing , & an old Baude for a benefice ? This sweete Sir profered me much kindenesse when hee was of our Colledge , and now I le try what winde remaynes in his bladder . God saue you Sir .

Amor .

By the masse I feare me I saw this Genus & Species in Cambridge before now : I le take no notice of him now : by the faith of a gentleman this is pretty Ellegy . Of what age is the day fellow ? Syrrha boy , hath the groome saddled my hunting hobby ? can Robin hunter tel where a hare sits .

Acad .

See a poore old friend of yours , of S. 〈◇〉 Colledge in Cambridge .

Am.

Good fayth Sir you must pardon me . I haue forgotten you .

Acad .

My name is Academico Sir , one that made an oration for you once on the Queenes day , and a show that you got some credit by .

Amor .

It may be so , it may bee so , but I haue forgotten it : marry yet I remember there was such a fellow that I was very beneficiall vnto in my time . But howsoeuer Sir , I haue the curtesie of the towne for you . I am sory you did not take me at my fathers house : but now I am in exceding great hast , for I haue vowed the death of a hare that wee found this morning musing on her meaze .

Acad .

Sir I am imboldned , by that great acquaintance that heretofore I had with you , as likewise it hath pleased you heretofore .

Amor .

Looke syrrha , if you see my Hobby come hetherward as yet .

Acad .

To make me some promises , I am to request your good mediation to the Worshipfull your father , in my behalfe : and I will dedicate to your selfe in the way of thankes , those dayes I haue to liue

Amor .

O good Sir , if I had knowne your minde before , for my father hath already giuen the induction to a Chapdame of his owne , to a proper man , I know not of what Vniuersitie he is .

Acad .

Signior Immerito , they say , hath bidden fayrest for it .

Amor .

I know not his name , but hee is a graue discreete man I warrant him , indeede hee wants vtterance in some measure .

Acad .

Nay , me thinkes he hath very good vtterance , for his grauitie , for hee came hether very graue , but I thinke he will returne light enough , when he is ridde of the heauy element he carries about him .

Amor .

Faith Sir , you must pardon mee , it is my ordinarie custome to be too studious , my Mistresse hath tolde me of it often , and I finde it to hurt my ordinary discourse : but say sweete Sir , do yee effect the most gentle-man-like game of hunting .

Acad .

How say you to the crafty gull , hee would faine get mee abroad to make sport with mee in their Hunters termes , which we schollers are not acquainted with : sir I haue loned this kinde of sporte , but now I begin to hate it , for it hath beene my luck alwayes to beat the bush , while another kild the Hare .

Amor .

Hunters luck , Hunters luck Sir , but there was a fault in your Hounds that did spend well .

Acad .

Sir I haue had worse luck alwayes at hunting the Fox .

Am.

What sir do you meane at the vnkennelling , vntapezing , or earthing of the Fox .

Acad .

I meane earthing , if you terme it so , for I neuer found yellow earth enough to couer the old Fox your father .

Amor .

Good faith sir , there is an excellent skill in blowing for the terriers , it is a word that we hunters vse when the Fox is earthed , you must blow one long , two short , the second winde one long two short : now sir in blowing , euery long containeth 7. quauers , one short containeth 3. quauers .

Acad .

Sir might I finde any fauour in my sute , I would wind the horne wherein your boone deserts should be sounded with so many minims , so many quauers .

Amor .

Sweet sir , I would I could conferre this or any kindnesse vpon you : I wonder the boy comes not away with my Hobby . Now sir , as I was proceeding : when you blow th● death of your Fox in the field or couert , then must you sound 3. notes , with 3. windes , and recheat : marke you sir , vpon the same with 3. windes .

Acad .

I pray you sir .

Amor .

Now sir , when you come to your stately gate , as you sounded the recheat before , so now you must sound the releefe three times .

Acad .

Releefe call you it ? it were good euery patron would finde the horne .

Amor .

O sir , but your reliefe is your sweetest note , that is sir , when your hounds hunt after a game vnknowne , and then you must sound one long and six short , the second wind , two short and one long , the third wind , one long & two short .

Acad .

True sir , it is a very good trade now a dayes to be a villaine , I am the hound that hunts after a game vnknowne , & blowes the villaine .

Amor .

Sir , I will blesse your eares with a very pretty story , my father out of his owne cost and charges keepes an open table for all kinde of dogges .

Acad .

And he keepes one more by thee .

Amor .

He hath your Grey-hound , your Mungrell , your Mastife , your Leurier , your Spaniell , your Kennets , Terriers , Butchers dogs , Bloud-hounds , Dunghill dogges , trindle tailes , prick-eard curres , small Ladies puppies , Caches and Bastards .

Acad .

What a bawdy knaue hath he to his father , that keepes his Rachell , hath his bastards , and lets his sonnes be plaine Ladies puppets , to beray a Ladies Chamber .

Amor .

It was my pleasure two dayes ago , to take a gallant leash of Grey-hounds , and into my fathers Parke I went , accompanied with two or three Noble men of my neere acquaintance , desiring to shew them some of the sport : I causd the Keeper to seuer the rascall Deere , from the Bucks of the first head : now sir , a Bucke the first yeare is a Fawne , the second yeare a pricket , the third yeare a Sorell , the fourth yeare a Soare , the fift a Buck of the first head , the sixt yeare a compleat Buck : as likewise your Hart is the first yeare a Calfe , the second yeare a Brochet , the third yeare a Spade , the fourth yeare a Stagge , the fift yeare a great Stag , the sixt yeare a Hart : as likewise the Roa-bucke is the first yeare a Kid , the second yeare a Girle , the third yeare a Hemuse : and these are your speciall beasts for chase , or as wee Huntsmen call it , for venery .

Acad .

If chaste be taken for venery , thou art a more speciall beast then any in thy fathers forrest . Sir I am sorry I haue been so troublesome to you .

Am.

I know this was the readiest way to chase away the Scholler , by getting him into a subiect he cannot talke of , for his life . Sir I will borrow so much time of you as to finish this my begun storie . Now sir , after much trauell we singled a Buck , I rode that same time vpon a Roane gelding , and stood to intercept from the thicket : the Buck broke gallantly : my great Swift being disaduantaged in his slip was at the first behinde , marry presently coted and out-stript them , when as the Hart presently discended to the Riuer , and being in the water , proferd , and reproferd , and proferd againe : and at last he vpstarted at the other side of the water which we call soyle of the Hart , and there other Huntsmen met him with an adauntreley : we followed in hard chase for the space of eight houres , thrise our hounds were at default , and then we cryed a slaine , streight so ho : through good reclaiming my faulty hounds found their game againe , and so went through the wood with gallant noice of musicke , resembling so many Violls Degambo : at last the Hart laid him downe , and the Hounds seized vpon him , he groned , and wept , and dyed . In good faith it made me weepe too , to thinke of Acteons fortune , which my Ouid speakes of .

He reades Ouid . Militat omnis amans , & habet sua castra Cupido . Acad .

Sir , can you put me in any hope of obtayning my sute .

Amor .

In good faith Sir , if I did not loue you as my soule , I would not make you acquainted with the mysteries of my Art.

Acad .

Naye , I will not dye of a discourse yet , if I can choose .

Amor .

So sir , when we had rewarded our Dogges with the small guttes and the lights , and the bloud : the Huntsmen hallowed , So ho , Venus a coupler , and so coupled the Dogges , and then returned homeward : another company of Houndes that lay at aduantage , had their couples cast off and we might heare the Huntsmen cry , horse , decouple , Auant , but streight we hearde him cry , le Amond , and by that I knewe that they had the hare and on foote , and by and by I might see sore and resore , prick , and reprick : what is he gone ? ha ha ha ha , these schollers are the simplest creatures .

Actus 2. Scen . 6. Enter Amoretto and his Page . Page .

I wonder what is become of that Ouid de arte amandi , my maister he that for the practise of his discourse is wonte to court his hobby abroad and at home , in his chamber makes a sett speech to his greyhound , desiring that most fayre and amiable dog to grace his company in a stately galliard , and if the dog , seeing him practise his lusty pointes , as his crospoint backcaper , chance to beray the roome , he presently doffes his Cap , most solemnly makes a low-leg to his Lady Ship , taking it for the greatest fauour in the world , that shee would vouchsafe to leaue her Ciuet box , or her sweete gloue behind her .

Amor .

He opens Ouid and reads it .

Page .

Not a word more Sir , an 't please you , your Hobby will meete you at the lanes end .

Am.

What Iack , faith I cannot but vent vnto thee a most witty iest of mine .

Page .

I hope my maister will not breake winde : wilt please you sir to blesie mine eares with the discourse of it .

Am.

Good faith , the boy begins to haue an elegant smack of my stile : why then thus it was Iack : a scuruie meere Cambridge scholler , I know not how to desine him .

Page .

Nay maister , let mee define a meere Scholler , I heard a Courtier once desine a meere scholler , to bee animal scabiosum , that is , a liuing creature that is troubled with the itch : or a meere scholler , is a creature that can strike fire in the morning at his Tinder-box , put on a paire of lined slippers , sit rewming till dinner , and then go to his meate when the Bell rings , one that hath a peculiar gift in a cough , and a licence to spit : or if you will haue him defined by negatines . He is one that cannot make a good legge , one that cannot eate a messe of broth cleanly , one that cannot ride a horse without spur-galling : one that cannot salute a woman , and looke on her directly , one that cannot —

Am.

Inough Iacke , I can stay no longer , I am so great in child-birth with this iest : Sirrha , this praedicable , this saucy groome , because when I was in Cambridge , and lay in a Trundlebed vnder my Tutor , I was content in discreet humilitie , to giue him some place at the Table , and because I inuited the hungrie slaue sometimes to my Chamber , to the canuasing of a Turkie Pye , or a piece of Venison , which my Lady Grand-mother sent me , he thought himselfe therefore eternally possest of my loue , and came hither to take acquaintance of me , and thought his old familiaritie did continue , and would beare him out in a matter of weight . I could not tell how to rid my selfe better of the troublesome Burre , then by getting him into the discourse of Hunting , and then tormenting him awhile with our wordes of Arte , the poore Scorpion became speechelesse , and suddenly rauished . These Clearkes are simple fellowes , simple ●ellowes .

He reads Ouid . Page .

Simple indeed they are , for they want your courtly composition of a foole and of a knaue . Good faith fir a most absolute iest , but me thinkes it might haue beene followed a little farther .

Am.

A● how my little knaue .

Page .

Why thus Sir , had you inuited him to dinner at your table , and haue put the caruing of a Capon vpon him , you should haue seene him handle the knife so foolishly , then run through a iury of faces , then wagging his head , & shewing his teeth in familiaritie , venter vpon it with the same method that he was wont to vntrusse an Apple pie , or tyrannise an Egge and Butter then would I had applied him all dinner time with cleane trenchers , cleane trenchers , & still when he had a good bit of meate , I would haue taken it from him , by giuing him a cleane Trencher , and so haue serued him in kindnesse .

Am.

Well said subtle Iack , put me in minde when I returne againe , that I may make my Lady Mother laugh at the Scholler . I le to my game : for you Iacke , I would haue you imploy your time till my comming , in watching what houre of the day my Hawke mutes .

Exit . Page .

Is not this an excellent office to be Apothe carie to his worships hawke , to sit scouting on the wall , how the Phisicke workes , and is not my maister an absolute villaine , that loues his Hawke hîs Hobby , and his Grey-hound , more then any mortall creature : do but dispraise a feather of his hawkes traine , and he writhes his mouth , and sweares , for he can doe that onely with a good grace , that you are the most shallow braind fellow that liues : do but say his horse stales with a good presence , and hee 's your bond-slaue : when he returnes I le tell twentie admirable lyes of his hawke , and then I shall be his little rogue & his white villaine for a whole weeke after . Well let others complaine , but I thinke there is no felicitie to the seruing of a foole .

Act. 3. Scen . 1. Sir Rad . Recorder . Page . Sig . Immerito . S. Rad .

Signior Immenito , you remember my caution , for the tithes , & my promise for farming my tithes at such a rate .

Im.

I , and please your worship Sir .

Sir Rad .

You must put in security for the performance of it in such sorte as I and maister Recorder shall like of .

Im ,

I will an 't please your worship .

S. Rad .

And because I will be sure that I haue conferred this kindenesse vpon a sufficient man , I haue desired maister Recorder to take examination of you .

Pag .

My maister ( it seemes ) tak's him for a thiefe , but he hath small reason for it , as for learning it 's plaine he neuer stole any , and for the liuing he knowes himselfe how he comes by it , for lett him but eate a measse of furmenty this seauen yeare , and yet he shall neuer be able to recouer himselfe : alas poore sheepe that hath fallen into the hands of such a fox .

S. Rad .

Good maister Recorder take your place by me , and make tryall of his gifts , is the clerke there to record his examination , oh the Page shall serue the turne .

Pag .

Tryal of his gifts , neuer had any gifts a better tryal , why Immerito his gifts haue appeared in as many coloures , as the Rayn-bowe , first to maister Amoretto in colour of the sattine suite he weares : to my Lady in the similitude of a loose gowne : to my maister , in the likenesse of a siluer basen , and ewer : to vs Pages in the semblance of new suites and poyntes . So maister Amoretto playes the gul in a piece of a parsonage : my maister adornes his cuppoord with a piece of a parsonage , my mistres vpon good dayes , puts on a piece of a parsonage , and we Pages playe at blowe pointe for a piece of a parsonage , I thinke heer 's tryall inough for one mans gifts .

Reco .

For as much as nature hath done her part in making you a hansome likely man .

Pag

He is a hansome young man indeed , and hath a proper gelded parsonage .

Reco .

In the next place , some art is requisite for the perfection of nature : for the tryall whereof , at the request of my worshipfull friend , I will in some sorte propound questions fitt to be resolued by one of your profession , say what is a person that was neuer at the vniuersity .

Im.

A person that was neuer in the ●niuerfity , is a liuing creature that can eate a tithe pigge .

Rec .

Very well answerd , but you should haue added , and must be officious to his patrone : write downe that answer to shew his learning in logick .

Sir Rad .

Yea boy write that downe . Very learnedly in good faith , I pray now let me aske you one question that I remember , whether is the Masculine gender or the seminine more worthy ?

Im.

The Feminine sir .

Sir Rad .

The right answer , the right answer . In good faith I haue beene of that mind alwayes , write boy that , to shew hee is a Grammarian .

Pag .

No maruell my maister be against the Grammer , for he hath alwayes made faise latine in the Genders .

Rec .

What Vniuersity are you of ?

Im.

Of none .

Sir . Rad .

He tells trueth , to tell trueth is an excellent vertue , Boy make two heads , one for his learning another for his vertues , and referre this to the head of his vertues , not of his learning .

Pag .

What , halfe a messe of good qualities referred to an asse head ?

Sir Rad .

Nowe maister Recorder , if it please you I will examine him in an author , that will sound him to the depth , a booke of Astronomy otherwise called an Almanacke .

Rec .

Very good , Sir Raderike , it were to be wished that there were no other booke of humanity , then there would not bee such busie state-prying fellowes as are now a dayes , proceede good sir .

Sir . Rad .

What is the Dominicall letter ?

Im.

C , sir , and please your worship .

Sir Rad .

A very good answer , a very good answer , the very answer of the booke , write downe that and referre it to his skill in philosophy .

Pag .

C , the Dominicall letter : it is true , craft and cunning do so dominere : yet rather C and D , are dominicall letters , that is crafty Dunsery .

S. Rad .

How many daies hath September ?

Im.

Aprill , Iune and Nouember , February hath 28. alone and all the rest hath 30. and one .

S. Rad .

Very learnedly in good faith , he hath also a smacke in poetry , write downe that boy , to shew his learning in poetry .

How many miles from Waltham to London ?

Im.

Twelue Sir .

S. Rad .

How many from Newmarket to Grantham ?

Im.

Ten Sir .

Pag .

Without doubt he hath beene some Carriers horse .

S. Rad .

How call you him that is cunning in 1.2.3.4.5 . and the Cipher ?

Im.

A good Arithmatician .

S. Rad .

Write downe that answeare of his , to show his learning in Arithmetick :

Pag .

He must nedes be a good Arithmetician that counted money so lately .

S. Rad .

When is the new moone ?

Im.

The last quarter the 5. day at 2. of the cloke and 38. minuts in the morning .

S. Rad .

Write him downe , how cal you him , that is weatherwise ?

Recor .

A good Astonomer .

S. Rad .

Sirrha boy write him downe for a good Astronomer .

Pag .

As Colit astra .

S. Rad .

What day of the month lights the Queenes day on ?

Im.

The 17. of Nouember .

S. Rad .

Boy refeere this to his vertues , and write him down a good subiect .

Pag .

Faith he were an excellent subiect for 2. or 3. good wits . he would make a fine Asle for an ape to ride vpon .

S. Rad .

And these shall suffice for the parts of his learning , now it remaines to try whether you bee a man of good vtterance , that is , whether you can aske for the strayed Heifer with the white face , as also chide the boyes in the belfrie , and bid the Sexton whippe out the dogges : let mee heare your voyce .

Im.

If any man or woman .

S. Rad .

That s too high .

Im.

If any man or woman .

S. Rad .

That s too lowe .

Im.

If any man or woman , can tell any tydings of a Horse with fowre feete , two eares , that did straye about the seuenth howre , three minutes in the sorenoone the fift day .

Page .

I tooke of a horse iust as it were the Ecclipse of the Moone .

S. Rad .

Boy wryte him downe for a good vtterance : Maister Recorder I thinke he hath beene examined sufficiently .

Rec .

I , Sir Radericke , t is so , wee haue tride him very throughly .

Pag .

I we haue taken an inuentory of his good parts and prized them accordingly .

S. Rad .

Signior Immerito , forasmuch as we haue made a double tryall of thee , the one of your learning , the other of your erudition : it is expedient also in the next place to giue you a fewe exhortations , considering the greatest Clarkes are not the wisest men : this is therefore first to exhort you to abstaine from Controuersies . Secondly not to gird at men of worship , such as my selfe , but to vse your selfe discreetly . Thirdly not to speake when any man or woman coughs : doe so , and in so doing I will perseuer to bee your worshipfull friend and louing patron .

Im.

I thanke your worship , you haue beene the deficient cause of my preferment .

Sir Rad .

Lead Immerito in to my sonne , and let him dispatch him , and remember my tithes to bee reserued , paying twelue pence a yeare . I am going to Moore-fieldes , to speake with an vnthrist I should meete at the middle Temple about a purchase , when you haue done follow vs.

Exeunt Immerito and the Page .

Act. 3. Scen . 2. Sir Rad : and Recorder . Sir Rad .

Harke you Maister Recorder , I haue flesht my prodigall boy notably , notablie in letting him deale for this liuing , that hath done him much , much good I assure you .

Rec .

You doe well Sir Raderick , to bestowe your liuing vpon such an one as will be content to share , and on Sunday to say nothing , whereas your proud vniuersity princox thinkes he is a man of such merit the world cannot sufficiently endow him with preferment , an vnthankfull viper , an vnthankefull Viper that will sting the man that reuiued him .

Why is t not strange to see a ragged clarke , Some stamell weauer or some butchers sonne : That scrubd a late within a sleeueles gowne , When the Commencement , like a morice dance , Hath put a bell or two about his legges , Created him a sweet cleane gentleman : How then he gins to follow fashions . He whose thin sire dwell in a smokye roufe , Must take Tobacco and must weare a locke . His thirsty Dad drinkes in a wooden bowle , But his sweet selfe is seru'd in siluer plate . His hungry sire will scrape you twenty legges , For one good Christmas meale on New-yeares day . But his mawe must be Capon crambd each day , He must ere long be triple beneficed , Els with his tongue hee I thunderbolt the world , And shake each pesant by his deafe-mans eare . But had the world no wiser men then I , Weede pen the prating parates in a cage , A chayre a candle and a Tinderbox . A thacked chamber and a ragged gowne Should be their landes and whole possessions , Knights , Lords , & lawyers should be log'd & dwel Within those ouer stately heapes of stone . Which doting syres in old age did erect .

Well it were to be wished that neuer a scholler in England might haue aboue fortie pound a yeare .

Sir Rad .

Faith maister Recorder , if it went by wishing , there should neuer an one of them all haue aboue twentie a yeare : a good stipend , a good stipend maister Recorder . I●n the meane time , howsoeuer I hate them all deadly , yet I am fayne to giue them good words . Oh they are pestilent fellowes , they speake nothing but bodkins , and pisse vinegar . Well , do what I can in outward kindnesse to them , yet they doe nothing but beray my house : as there was one that made a couple of knauish verses on my country Chimney now in the time of my soiourning here at London : and it was thus .

Sir Radericke keepes no Chimney Cauelere , That takes Tobacco aboue once a yeare .

And an other made a couple of verses on my Daughter that learnes to play on the viall de gambo ,

Her vyall de gambo is her best content , For twixt her legges she holds her instrument .

Very knauish , very knauish , if you looke vnto it maister Recorder , Nay they haue playd many a knauish tricke beside with me . Well , t is a shame indeede there should be any such priuilege for proud beggars as Cambridge , and Oxford are . But let them go , and if euer they light in my handes , if I do not plague them , let me neuer returne home againe to see my wifes wayting mayde .

Recor . This scorne of knights is too egregious . But how should these young coltes proue amblers , When the old heauy galled iades do trot : There shall you see a puny boy start vp , And make a theame against common lawyers : Then the old vnweldy Camels gin to dance , This siddling boy playing a fit of mirth : The gray bearde scrubbe , and laugh and cry good , good , To them againe , boy scurdge the barbarians : But we may giue the loosers leaue to talke , We haue the coyne , then tel them laugh for me . Yet knights and lawyers hope to see the day . When we may share here their possessions , And make Indentures of their chaffred skins : Dice of their bones to throw in meriment . Sir Rad .

O good fayth maister Recorder , if I could see that day once .

Rec .

Well remember another day , what I say● schollers are pryed into of late , and are found to bee busye fellowes , disturberts of the peace , I le say no more , gesse at my meaning , I smel a ratt .

Sir Rad .

I hope at length England will be wise enough , I hope so , I faith , then an old knight may haue his wench in a corner without any Satyres or Epigrams . But the day is farre spent , maist . Recorder , & I feare by this time the vnthrift is arriued at the place appointed in Moore fields , let vs hasten to him .

He lookes on his watch . Recor .

Indeed this dayes subiect transported vs too late , I thinke we shall not come much too late .

Exeunt .

Act. 3. Scen . 3. Enter Amoretto , his page , Immerito booted . Amor .

Maister Immerito deliuer this letter to the poser in my fathers name : marry withall some sprinkling , some sprinkling verbum sapienti sat est . farwell maister Immerito .

Imer .

I thanke your worship most hartely .

Pag .

Is it not a shame to see this old dunce learning his Induction at these yeares : but let him go , I loose nothing by him , for I le be sworne but for the booty of selling the parsonage I should haue gone in mine old cloathes this Christmas . A dunce I see is a neighbour like brute breast , a man may liue by him .

Amor . seemes to make verse . Amor .

A pox on it , my muse is not so witty as shee was wonte to be her nose is like , not yet . plague on these mathematikes , they haue spoyled my brayne in making a verse .

Page .

Hang me if he hath any more mathematikes then will serue to count the clocke , or tell the meridian howre by rumbling of his panch .

Am.

Her nose is like .

Page .

A coblers shooinghorne .

Am.

Her nose is like a beauteous maribone ;

Pag .

Marry a sweete snotty mistres .

Amor .

Fayth I do not like it yet : asse as I was to reade a peece of Aristotle in greeke yesternight , it hath put mee out of my English vaine quite .

Pag .

O monstrous lye , let me be apointtrusser while I liue if he vnderstands any tongue but English .

Amor .

Sirrha boy remember me when I come in Paules Churchyard to by a Ronzard , & Dubartas in french & Aretine in Italian , and our hardest writers in spanish , they wil shar pen my witts gallantly . I doe rellish these tongues in some sort . Oh now I do remember I heare a report of a Poet newly come out in hebrew , it is a pretty harsh tongue , and rellish a gentleman traueller , but come lett s hast after my father , the fields are fitter to heauenly meditations .

Exeunt . Page .

My maisters , I could wish your presence at an admirable iest , why presently this great linguist my master will march through Paules Church-yard . Come to a booke binders shop , and with a big Italian looke and a spanish face aske for these bookes in spanish and Italian , then turning , through his ignorance , the wrong end of the booke vpward vse action , on this vnknowne tong after this sort , first looke on the title and wrinckle his browe , next make as though he red the first page and bites a lip , then with his nayle score the margent as though there were some notable conceit , and lastly when he thinkes hee hath gulld the standers by sufficiently , throwes the booke away in a rage swearing that hee could neuer finde bookes of a true printe since he was last in Ioadna , enquite after the next marte , and so departes . And so must I , for by this time his contemplation is ariued at his mistres nose end , he is as glad as i● he had taken Ostend : by his time he begins to spit , and cry boy , carry my cloake : and now I go to attend on his worship .

Act. 2. Scen 4. Enter Ingenioso , Furor , Phantasma . Ing.

Come ladds , this wine whetts your resolution in our designe : it 's a needy world with subtill spirits , and there 's a gentle manlike kinde of begging , that may beseeme Poets in this age .

Furor . Now by the wing of nimble Mercury , By my Thalias siluer sounding harpe : By that caelestiall fier within my brayne , That giues a liuing genius to my lines : How ere my dulled intellectuall . Capres lesse nimbly then it did a fore , Yet will I play a hunt's up to my muse : And make her mount from out her shuggish nest , As high as is the highest spheere in heauen : Awake you paltry trulles of Helicon , Or by this light I le Swagger with you streight : You grandsyre Phaebus with your louely eye , The firmaments eternall vagabond , The heauens promoter that doth peepe and prye , Into the actes of mortall tennis balls . Inspire me streight with some rare delicies , Or I le dismount thee from thy radiant coach : And make thee poore Cutchy here on earth . Phan . Currus auriga paterni . Ing.

Nay prethe good Furor , doe not roaue in times before thy time : thou hast a very terrible roaring muse , nothing but squibs and fine ierkes , quiet thy selfe a while and heare thy charge .

Phan . Huc ades haec , animo concipe dicta tuo . Ingeni .

Let vs on to our deuise , our plot , our proiect . That old Sir Raderick , that new printed compendium of all inquitye , that hath not ayred his countrey Chimney once in 3. winters : he that loues to liue in an od corner here at London , and effect an odde wench in a nooke , one that loues to liue in a narrow roome , that he may with more facility in the darke , light vpon his wifes waiting maide , one that loues alife a short sermon and a long play , one that goes to a play , to a whore , to his bedde in Circle , good for nothing in the world but to sweate nightcaps , & foule faire lawne shirtes , feede a few foggy seruing men , and preferre dunces to liuings . This old Sir Raderick ( Furor ) it shall be thy taske to cudgell with thy thick thwart tearmes : marry at the first giue him some sugar candy tearmes , and then if he will not vnty purse stringes , of his liberality , sting him with tearmes layd in aqua fortis and gunpowder .

Furor . In noua fert animus mutatas dicere formas . The Seruile current of my slyding verse , Gentle shal runne into his thick skind eares : Where it shall dwell like a magnifico , Command his slymie spright to honour me : For my high tiptoe strouting poesye . But if his starrs hath fauour'd him so ill , As to debarre him by his dunghil thoughts , Iustly to esteeme my verses lowting pitch : If his earth wroting snout shal gin to scorne , My verse that giueth immortality : Then , Bella per Emathios . Phan . Furor arma ministrat . Furor . I le shake his heart vpon my verses poynte . Rip out his gutts with riuyng poinard : Quarter his credit with a bloody quill . Phan . Calami , Atramentum , charta , libelli , Sunt semper studijs arma parata tuis . Ing.

Inough Furor , wee know thou art a nimble swaggerer with a goose quill : now for you Phantasma , leaue trussing your pointes and listen .

Phan . Omne tulit punctum . Ing.

Marke you Amoretto Sir Radericks sonne , to him shall thy piping poetry and sugar endes of verses be directed , he is one , that wil draw out his pocket glasse thrise in a walke , one that dreames in a night of nothing , but muske and ciuet , and talke of nothing all day long but his hauke , his hound , and his mistres , one that more admires the good wrinckle of a boote , the curious crinkling of a silke stocking , then all the witt in the world : one that loues no scholler but him whose tyred eares can endure halfe a day togither , his fliblowne sonne●tes of his mistres , and her louing pretty creatures , her munckey and her puppet : it shal bee thy task ( Phantasma ) to cut this gulles throate with faire tearmes , and if he hold fast for al thy iuggling rettoricke , fal at defyance with him , and the poking sticke he weares .

Phan . Simul extulit ensem . Ing.

Come braue mips , gather vp your spirits and let vs march on like aduenturous knights , and discharge a hundreth poeticall spiritts vpon them .

Phan . Est deus in nobis , agitante calescimus illo . Exeunt .

Act. 3. Scen . 5. Enter Philomusus , Studioso . Stud .

Well Philomusus , we neuer scaped so faire a scouring : why yonder are pursevantes out for the french Doctor , and a lodging bespoken for him and his man in newgate . It was a terrible feare that made vs cast our hayre .

Phil . And canst thou sport at our calamityes ? And countest vs happy to scape prisonment ? Why the wide world that blesseth some with wayle , Is to our chayned thoughts a darkesome gayle : . Stud . Nay prethee friend these wonted tearmes forgo , He doubles griefe that comments on a wo . Phil . Why do fond men tearme it impiety , To send a wearisome sadde grudging Ghost , Vnto his home , his long , long , lasting home ? Or let them make our life lesse greeuous be , Or suffer vs to end our misery . Stud . Oh no the sentinell his watch must keepe , Vntill his Lord do lycence him to sleepe : Phil . It 's time to sleepe within our hollowe graues , And rest vs in the darkesome wombe of earth : Dead things are graued , and bodies are no lesse Pined and forlorne like Ghostly carcases . Stud . Not long this tappe of loathed life can runne , Soone commeth death , and then our woe is done . Meane time good Philomusus be content , Lett s spend our dayes in hopefull merryment . Phil . Curst be our thoughts when ere they dreame of hope : Band be those happs that henceforth flatter vs , When mischiefe doggs vs still and still for aye , From our first byrth vntill our burying day . In our first gamesome age , our doting sires Carked and cared to haue vs lettered : Sent vs to Cambridge where our cyle is spent : vs our kinde Colledge from the teate did teate : And for'st vs walke before we weaned weare , From that time since wandred haue we still : In the wide world , vrg'd by our forced will , Nor euer haue we happy fortune tryed : Then why should hope with our tent state abide ? Nay let vs run vnto the basefull caue , Pight in the hollow ribbs of craggy cliffe , Where dreary owles do shrike the liue-long night , Chasing away the byrdes of chearefull light : Where yawning Ghosts do howle in ghastly wise , Where that dull hollow ey'd that staring , syre , Yelept Dispaire hath his sad mansion , Him let vs finde , and by his counsell we , Will end our too much yrked misery . Stud . To wayle thy happs argues a dastard minde . Phil . To heare too long argues an asses kinde . Stud . Long since the worst chance of the die was cast , Phil . But why should that word worst so long time last ? Stud . Why doth thou now these sleepie plaintes commence ? Phil . Why should I ere be duld with patience ? Stud . Wise folke do beare with , strugling cannot mend . Phil . Good spirits must with thwarting fates contend Stud . Some hope is left our fortunes to redresse , Phil . No hope but this , ere to be comfortlesse , Stud . Our liues remainder gentler hearts may finde , Phil . The gentlest harts to vs will proue vnkind .

Act. 4. Scen . 1. Sir Radericke and Prodigo , at one corner of the Stage , Recor : and Amoretto at the other . Two Pages scouring of Tobacco pipes . Sir . Rad .

M. Prodigo , M. Recorder hath told you lawe , your land is forfeited : and for me not to take the forfeiture , were to breake the Queenes law , for marke you , it s law to take the forfeiture : therefore not to breake it is to breake the Queenes law , and to breake the Queenes law is not to be a good subiect , and I meane to bee a good subiect . Besides , I am a Iustice of the peace , and being Iustice of the peace I must do iustice , that is law , that is to take the forfeiture , especially hauing taken notice of it . Marrie Maister Prodigo , here are a few shillings , ouer and besides the bargaine .

Prod .

Pox on your shillings , sblood a while agoe , before he had me in the lurch , who but my coozen Prodigo , you are welcome my coozen Prodigo , take my coozen Prodigoes horse , a cup of Wine for my coozen Prodigo , good faith you shall sit here good coozen Prodigo , a cleane trencher for my coozen Prodigo , haue a speciall care of my coozen Prodigoes lodging : now maister Prodigo with a pox , and a few shillings for a vantage , a plague on your shillings , pox on your shillings , if it were not for the Sergeant which dogges me at my heeles , a plague on your shillings , pox on your shillings , pox on your selfe and your shillings , pox on your worship , if I catch thee at Ostend : I dare not staye for the Sergeant .

Exit . S. Rad . pag .

Good faith Maister Prodigo is an excellent fellow , he takes the Gulan ebullitio so excellently .

Amor . Page .

He is a good liberall Gentleman , he hath bestowed an ounce of Tobacco vpon vs , and as long as it lasts , come cut and long-taile , wee le spend it as liberally for his sake .

S. Rad . Page .

Come fill the Pipe quickly , while my maister is in his melancholie humour , it 's iust the melancholy of a Colliers horse .

Amor . page .

If you cough Iacke after your Tobacco , for a punishment you shall kisse the Pantofle .

S. Rad .

It 's a foule ouer-sight , that a man of worship cannot keepe a wench in his house , but there must be muttering and surmising : it was the wisest saying that my father euer vttered , that a wife was the name of necessitie , not of pleasure : for what do men marry for , but to stocke their ground , and to haue one to looke to the linnen , sit at the vpper end of the table , and carue vp a Capon : one that can weare a hood like a Hawke , and couer her foule face with a Fanne : but there 's no pleasure alwayes to be tyed to a piece of Mutton , sometimes a messe of stewd broth will do well , and an vnlac'd Rabbet is best of all : well for mine owne part , I haue no great cause to complaine , for I am well prouided of three bounsing wenches , that are mine owne fee-simple : one of them I am presently to visit , if I can rid my selfe cleanly of this company . Let me see how the day goes : ( hee puls his Watch out . ) precious coales , the time is at hand , I must meditate on an excuse to be gone .

Record .

The which I say , is grounded on the Statute I spake of before , enacted in the raigne of Henry the 6.

Amor .

It is a plaine case , whereon I mooted in our Temple , and that was this : put case there be three bretheren , Iohn a Nokes , Iohn a Nash , and Iohn a Stile : Iohn a Nokes the elder , Iohn a Nash the younger , Iohn a Stile the youngest of all , Iohn a Nash the younger , dyeth without issue of his body lawfully begotten : whether shall his lands ascend to Iohn a Noakes the elder , or discend to Iohn a Stile the youngest of all ? The answer is : The lands do collaterally descend , not ascend .

Record .

Very true , and for a proofe hereof , I will shew you a place in Littleton , which is verye pregnant in this point .

Actus 4. Scena 2. Enter Ingenioso , Furor , Phantasma . Ing.

I le pawne my wittes , that is , my reuenues , my land , my money , and whatsoeuer I haue , for I haue nothing but my wit , that they are at hand : why any sensible snout may winde Maister Amoretto and his Pomander , Maister Recorder and his two neates feete that weare no sockes , Sir Radericke by his rammish complexion . Olet Gorgoinus hyrcum , S't . Lupus in fabula . Furor fire the Touch-box of your witte : Phantasma , let your inuention play tricks like an Ape : begin thou Furor , and open like a phlapmouthed Hound : follow thou Phantasma like a Ladies Puppie : and as for me , let me alone , I le come after like a Water-dogge that will shake them off , when I haue no vse of them : My maisters , the watch-word is giuen . Furor discharge .

Furor to S. Rad . The great proiector of the Thunder-bolts , He that is wont to pisse whole clouds of raine , Into the earth vast gaping vrinall , Which that one ey'd subsicer of the skie , Don Phoebus empties by caliditie : He and his Townesmen Planets brings to thee , Most fatty lumpes of earths facilitie . S. Rad .

Why will this fellowes English breake the Queenes peace , I will not seeme to regarde him .

Phant . to Am. Mecoenas atauis edite regibus , O et praesidium , & dulce decus meum , Dij faciant votis vela secunda tuis . Ing.

God saue you good maister Recorder , and good fortunes follow your deserts : I thinke I haue curst him sufficiently in few words .

S. Rad .

What haue we here , three begging Souldiers , come you from Ostend , or from Ireland ?

Pag .

Cuium pecus , an Maelibei ? I haue vented all the Latin one man had .

Phan .

Quid dicam amplius ? domini similis es .

Amor . pag .

Let him alone I pray thee , to him againe , tickle him there .

Phant .

Quam dispari domino dominaris ?

Rec .

Nay that 's plaine in Littleton , for if that fee-simple , and the fee taile be put together , it is called hotch potch : now this word hotch potch in English is a Pudding , for in such a pudding is not commonly one thing onely , but one thing with another .

Amor .

I thinke I do remember this also at a mooting in our Temple : so then this hotch potch seemes a terme of similitude .

Furor to S. Rad . Great Capricornus , of thy head take keepe , Good Virgo watch , while that thy worship sleepe , And when thy swelling vents amaine , Then Pisces be thy sporting Chamberlaine . S. Rad .

I thinke the deuill hath sent some of his family to torment me .

Amor .

There is taile generall and taile speciall , and Littleton is very copious in that the ame : for taile generall is , when lands are giuen to a man and his heyres of his body begotten : Taile speciall , is when lands are giuen to a man , and to his wife , and to the heires of their two bodyes lawfully begotten , and that is called Taile speciall .

S. Rad .

Very well , and for his oath I will giue a distinction : there is a materiall oath , and a formall oath : the formall oath may be broken , the materiall may not be broken : for marke you sir , the law is to take place before the conscience , and therefore you may , vsing me your counseller , cast him in the sute : there wants nothing to the full meaning of this place .

Phant . Nihil hic nisi Carmina desunt . Ing.

An excellent obseruation in good faith , see how the old Fox teacheth the young Cub to wurry a sheepe , or rather sits himselfe like an old Goose , hatching the addle braine of maister Amoretto : there is no foole to the Sattin foole , the Veluet foole , the perfumde foole , and therefore the witty Taylors of this age , put them vnder colour of kindnesse into a paire of cloath-bags , where a voyder will not serue the turne : and there is no knaue to the barbarous knaue the moulting knaue , the pleading knaue : what ho maister Recorder ? Maister Nouerint vniuersi per presentes , not a word he , vnlesse he feele it in his fist .

Phant . Mitto tibi metulas , cancros imitare legendo . S. Rad . to Furor .

Fellow what art thou that art so bold ?

Fur . I am the bastard of great Mercurie , Got on Thalia when she was a sleepe : My Gawdie Grandsire , great Apollo high , Borne was I heare , but that my luck was ill , To all the land vpon the forked hill . Phant . O crudelis Alexi nil mea carmina curas ? Nil nostri miserere mori me deinque coges ? S. Rad . Pag .

If you vse them thus , my maister is a Iustice of peace , and will send you all to the gallowes .

Phant . Hei mihi quod domino non licet ire tuo . Ing.

Good maister Recorder , let me retaine you this terme for my cause , for my cause good maister Recorder .

Record .

I am retained already on the contrary part , I haue taken my fee , be gon , be gon .

Ing.

It 's his meaning I should come off : why here is the true stile of a villaine , the true faith of a Lawyer : it is vsuall with them to be bribed on the one side , and then to take a fee of the other : to plead weakely , and to be bribed and rebribed on the one side , then to be feed and refeed of the other , till at length , per varios casus , by putting the case so often , they make their client so lanke , that they may case them vp in a combe case , and pack them home from the tearme , as though he had trauelled to London to sell his horse onely , and hauing lost their sleeces , liue afterward like poore shorne sheepe .

Furor . The Gods aboue that know great Furors fame , And do adore grand poet Furors name : Granted long since at heauens high parliament , That who so Furor shal immortalize , No yawning goblins shall frequent his graue , Nor any bold presumptuous curr shall dare To lift his legge against his sacred dust . Where ere I haue my rymes , thence vermin fly All , sauing that foule fac'd vermin pouerty . This sucks the eggs of my inuention : Euacuates my witts full pigeon house . Now may it please thy generous dignity ; To take this vermin napping as he lyes , In the true trappe of liberallity : I le cause the Pleiades to giue thee thanks , I le write thy name within the sixteenth spheare : I le make the Antarticke pole to kisse thy to a , And Cinthia to do homage to thy tayle . Sir Rad .

Pretious coles , thou a man of worship and Iustice too ? It 's euen so , he is ether a madde man or a coniurer : it were , well if his words were examined , to see if they be the Queenes or no .

Phan . Nunc si nos audis vt qui es diuinus Apollo , Dic mihi , qui nummos non habet vnde petat ? Amor .

I am stil haunted with these needy Lattinist fellowes : the best counsell I can giue is to be gone .

Phan . Quod peto da Caie , non peto consilium . Am.

Fellow looke to your braines : you are mad , you are mad .

Phan . Semel insaniuimus omnes . Am.

Maister Recorder , is it not a shame that a gallant cannot walke the streete quietly for needy fellowes , and that , after there is a statute come out against begging ?

He strikes his brest . Phant . Pectora percussit , pectus quoque robora fiunt . Recor .

I warrant you , they are some needy graduates : the Vniuersity breakes winde twise a yeare , and let s flie such as these are .

Ing.

So ho maister Recorder , you that are one of the Diuels fellow commoners , one that sizeth the Deuils butteries , sinnes and periuries very lauishly : one that are so deare to Lucifer , that he neuer puts you out of commons for non paiment : you that liue like a summer vpon the sinnes of the people : you whose vocation serues to enlarge the territories of Hell , that ( but for you ) had beene no bigger then a paire of Stockes or a Pillorie : you that hate a scholler , because he descries your Asses eares : you that are a plague stuffed Cloake-bagge of all iniquitie , which the grand Seruing man of Hell will one day trusse vp behind him , and carry to his smokie Warderobe .

Recor .

What frantick fellow art thou , that art possest with the spirit of malediction ?

Furor . Vile muddy clod of base vnhallowed clay , Thou slimie sprighted vnkinde Saracen : When thou wert borne , dame Nature cast her Calfe , Forrage and time had made thee a great Oxe , And now thy grinding lawes deuoure quite , The fodder due to vs of heauenly spright . Phant . Nefasto te posuit die quicunque primum et sacrilega manu , Produxit arbos in nepotum perniciem ob propriumque pugi . Ingeni .

I pray you Monseiur Ploidon , of what Vniuersitie was the first Lawyer of , none forsooth , for your Lawe is ruled by reason , and not by Arte : great reason indeed that a Ploydenist should bee mounted on a trapt Palfrey , with a round Veluet dish on his head , to keepe warme the broth of his witte , and a long Gowne , that makes him looke like a Cedant arma togae , whilest the poore Aristotelians walke in a shorte cloake and a close Venetian hoase , hard by the Oyster-wise : and the silly Poet goes muffled in his Cloake to escape the Counter . And you Maister Amoretto , that art the chiefe Carpenter of Sonets , a priuileged Vicar for the lawlesse marriage of Inke and Paper , you that are good for nothing but to commend in a sette speach , to colour the quantitie of your Mistresses stoole , and sweare it is most sweete Ciuet : it 's fine when that Puppet-player Fortune , must put such a Birchen-lane post in so good a suite , such an Asse in so good fortune .

Amor .

Father shall I draw ?

Sir Rad .

No sonne , keepe thy peace , and holde the peace .

Inge .

Nay do not draw , least you chance to bepisse your credit .

Furor . Flectere si nequeo superos , Acheronta mouebo . Fearefull Megaera with her snakie twine , Was cursed dam vnto thy damned selfe ; And Hircan tigers in the desert Rockes , Did foster vp thy loathed hatefull life , Base Ignorance the wicked cradle rockt , Vile Barbarisme was wont to dandle thee : Some wicked hell-hound tutored thy youth , And all the grifly sprights of griping hell , With mumming looke hath dogd thee since thy birth : See how the spirits do houer ore thy head , As thick as gnattes in summer euening tide , Balefull Alecto , preethe stay a while , Till with my verses I haue rackt his soule : And when thy soule departs a Cock may be , No blanke at all in hells great Lotterie . Shame sits and howles vpon thy loathed graue , And howling vomit vp in filthy guise , The hidden stories of thy villanies . Sir Rad .

The Deuill my maisters , the Deuill in the likenesse of a Poet , away my maisters away . Exit .

Phan . Arma virumque cano , Quemfugis ah demeus ? Amor .

Base dog , it is not the custome in Italy to draw vpon euery idle cur that barkes , and did it stand with my reputation : oh , well go too , thanke my Father for your liues .

Ing.

Fond gul whom I would vndertake to bastmado quickly , though there were a musket planted in thy mouth , are not you the young drouer of liuings . Academico told me of that hants steeple faires . Base worme must thou needes discharge thy craboun to batter downe the walles of learning .

Amor .

I thinke I haue committed some great sinne against my Mistris , that I am thus tormented with notable villaines : bold pesants I scorne , I scorne them .

Furor to Recor . Nay pray thee good sweet diuell do not thou part , I like an honest deuill that will shew Himselfe in a true hellish smoky hew : How like thy snowt is to great Lucifers ? Such tallents had he , such a glaring eye , And such a cunning slight in villanie . Recor .

Oh the impudencie of this age , and if I take you in my quarters .

Furor . Base slaue I le hang thee on a crossed rime , And quarter . Ing.

He is gone , Furor , stay thy fury .

S. Rad . Pag .

I pray you gentlemen giue 3. groats for a shilling .

Amo . Pag .

What wil you giue me for a good old sure of apparell ?

Phan . Habet et musca splenem , et formicae sua bilis inest . Ing.

Gramercie good lads : this is our share in happinesse , to torment the happy : let s walke a long and laugh at the iest , it s no staying here long , least Sir Radericks army of baylifes and clownes be sent to apprehend vs.

Phan . Procul hinc , procul ite prophani . I le lash Apollon selfe with ierking hand , Vnlesse he pawne his wit to buy me land .

Act. 4. Scen . 3. Burbage . Kempe . Bur .

Now Will Kempe if we can intertaine these schollers at a low rate , it wil be well , they haue oftentimes a good conceite in a part .

Kempe

Its true indeede , honest Dick , but the slaues are somewhat proud , and besides , it is a good sport in a part to see them neuer speake in their walke , but at the end of the stage , iust as though in walking with a fellow we should neuer speake but at a stile , a gate , or a ditch , where a man can go no further . I was once at a Comedie in Cambridge , and there I saw a parasite make faces and mouths of all sorts on this fashion .

Bur .

A little teaching will mend these faults , and it may bee besides they will be able to pen a part .

Kemp .

Few of the vniuersity pen plaies well , they smell too much of that writer Ouid , and that writer Metamorphosis , and talke too much of Proserpina & Iuppiter . Why heres our fellow Shakespeare puts them all downe , I and Ben Ionson too . O that Ben Ionson is a pestilent fellow , he brought vp Horace giuing the Poets a pill , but our fellow Shakespeare hath giuen him a purge that made him beray his credit :

Bur .

It s a shrewd fellow indeed : I wonder these schollers stay so long , they appointed to be here presently that we might try them : oh here they come .

Stud . Take heart these lets our clouded thoughts refine , The sun shines brightest when it gins decline . Bur .

M. Phil . and M. Stud . God saue you .

Kemp .

M. Phil . and M. Otioso well met .

Phil .

The same to you good M. Burbage . What M. Kempe how doth the Emperour of Germany ?

Stud .

God saue you M. Kempe : welcome M. Kempe from dancing the mortice ouer the Alpes .

Kemp .

Well you merry knaues you may come to the honor of it one day , is it not better to make a foole of the world as I haue done , then to be fooled of the world , as you schollers are ? But be merry my lads , you haue happened vpon the most excellent vocation in the world for money : they come North and South to bring it to our playhouse , and for honours , who of more report , then Dick Burbage & Will : Kempe , he is not counted a Gentleman , that knowes not Dick Burbage & Wil Kemp , there 's not a country wench that can dance Sellengers Round but can talke of Dick Burbage and Will Kempe .

Phil .

Indeed M. Kempe you are very famous , but that is as well for workes in print as your part in kne .

Kempe .

You are at Cambridge still with sice kne , and be lusty humorous poets , you must vntrusle , I road this my last circuit , purposely because I would be iudge of your actions .

Bur .

M. Stud . I pray you take some part in this booke and act it , that I may see what will fit you best , I thinke your voice would serue for Hieronimo , obserue how I act it and then imitate mee .

Stud . Who call Hieronimo from his naked bed ? And &c. Bur .

You will do well after a while .

Kemp .

Now for you , me thinkes you should belong to my tuition , and your face me thinkes would be good for a soolish Mayre or a foolish iustice of peace : marke me . — Forasmuch as there be two states of a common wealth , the one of peace , the other of tranquility : two states of warre , the one of discord , the other of dislention : two states of an incorporation , the one of the Aldermen , the other of the Brethren : two states of magistrates , the one of gouerning , the other of bearing rule , now , as I said euen now for a good thing , thing cannot be said too often : Vertue is the shooinghorne of iustice , that is , vertue is the shooinghorne of doing well , that is , vertue is the shooinghorne of doing iustly , it be hooueth mee and is my part to commend this shooingborne vnto you . I hope this word shooinghorne doth not offend any of you my worshipfull brethren , for you beeing the worshipfull headsmen of the towne , know well what the horne meaneth , Now therefore I am determined not onely to teach but also to instruct , not onely the ignorant , but also the simple , not onely what is their duty towards their betters , but also whatis their dutye towards their superiours : come let mee see how you can doe , fit downe in the chaire .

Phil .

Forasmuch as there be . &c.

Kemp .

thou wilt do well in time , if thou wilt be ruled by thy betters , that is by my selfe , and such graue Aldermen of the playhouse as I am .

Bur .

I like your face , and the proportion of your body for Richard the 3. I pray M. Phil . let me see you act a little of it .

Phil . Now is the winter of our discontent , Made glorious summer by the sonne of Yorke , Bur .

Very well I assure you , well M. Phil . and M. Stud . wee see what ability you are of : I pray walke with vs to our fellows , and wee le agree presently .

Phil .

We will follow you straight M. Burbage .

Kempe .

Its good manners to follow vs , Maister Phil . and Maister Otioso .

Phil . And must the basest trade yeeld vs reliefe ? Must we be practis'd to those leaden spouts , That nought downe vent but what they do receiue ? Some fatall fire hath scorcht our fortunes wing , And still we fall , as we do vpward spring : As we striue vpward to the vaulted skie , We fall and feele our hatefull destiny . Stud . Wonder it is sweet friend thy pleading breath , So like the sweet blast of the southwest wind , Melts not those rockes of yee , those mounts of woe , Congeald in frozen hearts of men below . Phil . Wonder as well thou maist why mongst the waues , Mongst the tempestuous waues on raging sea , The wayling Marchant can no pitty craue . What cares the wind and weather for their paines ? One strikss the sayle , another turnes the same , He shakes the maine , an other takes the Ore , An other laboureth and taketh paine , To pumpe the sea into the sea againe . Still they take paines , still the loud windes do blowe Till the ships prouder mast be layd belowe : Stu . Fond world that nere thinkes on that aged man , That Ariostoes old swift paced man , Whose name is Tyme , who neuer lins to run , Loaden with bundles of decayed names , The which in Lethes lake he doth intombe , Saue onely those which swanlike schollers take , And doe deliuer from that greedy lake . Inglorious may they liue , inglorious die , That suffer learning liue in misery . Phil . What caren they , what fame their ashes haue , When once thei 'r coopt vp in silent graue ? Stud . If for faire fame they hope not when the dye , Yet let them feare graues stayning Infamy . Phil . Their spendthrift heires will those firebrands quench Swaggering full moistly on a tauernes bench . Stud . No shamed sire for all his glofing heire , Must long be talkt of in the empty ayre . Stud . Beleeue me thou that art my second selfe , My vexed soule is not disquieted , For that I misse , is gaudy painted state , Whereat my fortunes fairely aim'd of late . For what am I , the meanest of many mo , That earning profit are repaide with wo ? But this it is that dorh my soule torment , To thinke so many actiueable wits , That might contend with proudest birds of Po , Sits now immur'd within their priuate cells , Drinking a long lank watching candles smoake , Spending the marrow of their flowring age , In fruitelesse poring on some worme eate leafe : When their deserts shall seeme of due to claime . A cherefull crop of fruitfull swelling sheafe , Cockle their haruest is , and weeds their graine , Contempt their portion their possession paine : Stud . Schollers must frame to liue at a low sayle , Phil . 〈◇〉 sayling where there blowes no happy gale . Stud . Our ship is ruin'd , all her tackling rent . Phil . And all her gaudy furniture is spent . Stud . Teares be the waues whereon her ruines bide . Phil . And sighes the windes that wastes her broken side . Stud . Mischiefe the Pilot is the ship to steare . Phil . And Wo the passenger this ship doth beare . Stud . Come Philomusus , let vs breake this chat , Phil . And breake my heart , oh would I could breake that . Stud . Let s learne to act that Tragick part we haue . Phil . Would I were silent actor in my graue .

Actus 5. Scena 1. Phil . & Stud . become Fidlers with their consort . Phil .

And tune fellow Fiddlers , Studioso & I are ready . ( they tune .

Stud : going aside sayeth . Fayre fell good Orpheus , that would rather be King of a mole hill , then a Keysars slaue : Better it is mongst fidlers to be chiefe , Then at plaiers trencher beg reliefe . But is t not strange this mimick apes should priz● Vnhappy Schollers at a hireling rate . Vile world , that lifts them vp to hye degree , And treades vs downe in groueling misery . England affordes those glorious vagabonds , That carried earst their fardels on their backes , Coursers to ride on through the gazing streetes , Sooping it in their glaring Satten sutes , And Pages to attend their maisterships : With mouthing words that better wits haue framed , They purchase lands , and now Esquiers are made . Phil . What ere they seeme being euen at the best , They are but sporting fortunes scornfull iests . Stud . So merry fortune is wont from ragges to take , Some ragged grome , and him some gallant make . Phil . The world and fortune hath playd on vs too long . Stud . Now to the world we fiddle must a song . Phil . Our life is a playne song with cunning pend , Whose highest pitch in lowest base doth end . But see our fellowes vnto play are bent : If not our mindes , lett s tune our instruments . Stud . Letts in a priuate song our cunning try , Before we sing to stranger company . Phil . sings . The tune . HOw can he sing whose voyce is hoarse with care ? How can he play whose heart stringes broken are ? How can he keepe his rest that nere found rest ? How can he keepe his time whome time nere blest ? Onely he can in sorrow beare a parte , With vntaught hand and with vntuned hart . Fond arts farewell , that swallowed haue my youth . Adew vayne muses that haue wrought my ruth . Repent fond syre that traynd'st thy happlesse sonne , In learninges loare since bounteous almes are done . Cease , cease harsh tongue , vntuned musicke rest : Intombe thy sorrowes in thy hollow breast . Stud . Thankes Phil . for thy pleasant song , Oh had this world a tutch of iuster griefe : Hard rockes would weepe for want of our reliefe . Phil . The cold of wo hath quite vntun'd my voyce , And made it too too harsh for listining eare : Time was in time of my young fortunes spring , I was a gamesome boy and learned to sing .

But say fellow musitians , you know best whether we go , at what dore must we imperiously beg .

Iack . fid .

Here dwells Sir Raderick and his sonne : it may be now at this good time of New yeare he will be liberall , let vs stand neere and drawe .

Phil .

Draw callest thou it , indeed it is the most desperate kinde of seruice that euer I aduentured on .

Act. 5. Scena . 2. Enter the two Pages . Sir . Rad pa.

My maister bidds me tell you that he is but newly fallen a sleepe , and you base slaues must come and disquiet him : what neuer a basket of Capons ? masse , and if he comes hee le commit you all .

Amor . Pag .

Sirra Iack , shall you and I play Sir Raderick and Amoretto , and reward these fiddlers , I le , my maister Amoretto , and giue them as much as he vseth .

Sir Rad .

And I my old maister Sir Raderick : fiddlers play . I le reward you , fayth I will .

Amor pag .

Good fayth this pleaseth my sweete mistres admirably : cannot you play twytty twatty foole , or to be at her , to be at her .

Rad . pag .

Haue you neuer a song of maister Dowlands making ?

Am. pag .

Or Hos ego versiculos feci &c. A pox on it , my maister Am. vseth it very often . I haue forgotten the verse .

Rad . pag .

Sir Theon : here are a couple of fellowes brought before me , and I know not how to decide the cause , looke in my Christmas booke who brought me a present

Am. pag .

On New-yeares day goodman Foole brought you a present , but goodman Clowne brought you none .

Rad . pag .

Then the right is on goodman fooles side .

Am. pag .

My mistres is so sweete , that al the Phifitions in the towne cannot make her stinck , she neuer goes to the stoole , oh she is a most sweete little munkey . Please your worship good father yonder are some would speake with you .

Rad . pag .

What haue they brought me any thing , if they haue not , say I take Phisick .

Forasmuch fiddlers , as I am of the peace , I must needs loue all weapons and instruments , that are for the peace , among which I account your fiddles , because they can neither bite nor scratch , marry now finding your fiddles to iarre , and knowing that iarring is a cause of breaking the peace , I am by the vertue of my office and place to commit your quarelling fiddles to close prisonment in their cases .

They call within .

sha ho , Richard , Iack .

Am. Page .

The foole within , marres our play without . Fiddlers set it on my head , I vse to size my musicke , or go on the score for it , I le pay it at the quarters end .

Rad . Page .

Farewell good Pan , sweete Irenias adieu , Don Orpheus a thousand times farewell .

Iack Fid .

You swore you would pay vs for our musick .

Rad . Page .

For that I le giue Maister Recorders law , and that is this , there is a double oath , a formall oath , and a materiall oath : a materiall oath cannot be broken , the formall oath may be broken , I swore formally : farewell Fidlers .

Phil . Farewell good wags , whose wits praise worth I deeme , Though somewhat waggish , so we all haue beene . Stud .

Faith fellow Fidlers , heres no siluer found in this place , no not so much as the vsuall Christmas entertainment of Musitians , a black Iack of Beare , and a Christmas Pye .

They walke aside from their fellowes . Phil . Where ere we in the wide world playing be , Misfortune beares a part , and marres our melody , Impossible to please with Musickes straine , Our hearts strings broken , are nere to be tun'd againe . Stud . Then let vs leaue this baser fidling trade , For though our purse should mend , our credit fades . Phil . Full glad I am to see thy mindes free course , Declining from this trencher waiting trade . Well may I now disclose in plainer guise , What earst I meant to worke in secret wise : My busie conscience checkt my guilty soule , For seeking maintenance by base vassallage , And then suggested to my searching thought , A shepheards poore secure contented life , On which since then I doted euery houre , And meant this same houre in sadder plight , To haue stolne from thee in secrecie of night . Deare friend thou seem'st to wrong my soule too much , Thinking that Studioso would account , That fortune sowre , which thou accomptest sweete , Nor any life to me can sweeter be , Then happy swaines in plaine of Arcady . Phil . Why then lett s both go spend our litle store , In the prouision of due surniture : A shepards hooke , a tarbox and a scrippe . And hall vnto those sheepe adorned hills , Where if not blesse our fortunes we may blesse our wills . Stud . True mirth we may enioy in thacked stall , Nor hoping higher rise , nor feating lower fall . Phil .

Wee le therefore discharge these fidlers . Fellow musitions , wee are sory that it hath beene your ill happe to haue had vs in your company , that are nothing but scritch-owles , and night Rauens , able to marre the purest melody : & besids , our company is so ominous , that where we are , thence liberality is packing , our resolution is therefore to wish you well , and to bidde you farewell .

Come Stud : let vs hast away , Returning neare to this accursed place .

Actus 5. Scena . 3. Enter Ingenioso , Academico . Inge .

Faith Academico , it 's the feare of that fellow , I meane the signe of the seargeants head , that makes me to be so hasty to be gone : to be briefe Academico , writts are out for me , to apprehend mee for my playes , and now I am bound for the I le of doggs . Furor and Phantasma comes after , remoouing the campe as fast as they can : farewell , mea si quid vota valebunt .

Acad .

Fayth Ingenioso : I thinke the Vniuersity is a melancholik life , for there a good fellow cannot sit two howres in his chamber , but he shall bee troubled with the bill of a Drawer , or a Vintner : but the point is , I know not how to better my selfe , and so I am sayne to take it .

Act. 5. Scen . 4. Phil , Stud . Furor , Phant . Phil .

Who haue we there , Ingenioso , and Academico ?

Stud .

The verye same , who are those , Furor and Phantasma ?

Furor takes a louse off his sleeue . Furor . And art thou there six footed Mercury ? Phan . with his hand in his bosome . Are rymes become such creepers now a dayes ? Presumptuous louse , that doth good manners lack , Daring to creepe vpon Poet Furors back : Multum refert quibuscum vixeris . Non videmus Manticae quod in tergo est . Phil .

What Furor and Phan . too , our old colledge fellowes , let vs incounter them all . Ing : Acad . Furor . Phantasma . God saue you all .

Stud .

What Ingen . Acad . Furor . Phantasma : howe do you braue lads .

Ing.

What our deere friends Phil . and Stud ?

Aca .

What our old friends Phil . and Stud ?

Fur .

What my supernaturall friends ?

Ing ,

What newes with you in this quarter of the Citty ?

Phil . We haue run through many trades , yet thriue by none . Poore in content , and onely rich in moane , A shephards life thou knowest I wont to admire , Turning a Cambridge apple by the fire . To liue in humble dale we now are bent , Spending our dayes in fearelesse merriment . Stud . Wee l teach each tree euen of the hardest kind , To keepe our woefull name within their rinde : Wee l watch our flock , and yet wee le sleepe withall . Wee le tune our sorrowes to the waters fall , The woods and rockes with our sh●ill songs weel● blesse , Let them proue kind since men proue pittilesse .

But say whether are you and your company iogging : it seemes by your apparell you are about to wander .

Ing.

Faith we are fully bent to be Lords of misrule in the worlds wide heath : our voyage is to the I le of Dogges , there where the blattant beast doth rule and raigne Renting the credit of whom it please .

Where serpents tongs the pen men are to write , Where cats do waule by day , dogges by night : There shall engoared venom be my inke , My pen a sharper quill of porcupine , My stayned paper , this sin loaden earth : There will I write in lines shall neuer die , Our feared Lordings crying villany . Phil . A gentle wit thou hadst , nor is it blame , To turne so tart for time hath wrongd the same , Stu . And well thou dost from this fond earth to flit , Where most mens pens are hired parasites . Aca . Go happily , I wish thee store of gal , Sharpely to wound the guilty world withall : Phil .

But say , what shall become of Furor and Phantasma ?

Ing. These my companions still with me must wend , Aca . Fury and Fansie on good wits attend . Fur . When I arriue within the ile of Doggs , Don Phoebus I will make thee kisse the pumpe . Thy one eye pries in euery Drapers stall , Yet neuer thinkes on poet Furors neede : Furor is lowsie , great Furor lowsie is , I le make thee run this lowsie case I wis . And thou my cluttish landresse Cinthia , Nere thinkes on Furors linnen , Furors shirt : Thou and thy squirting boy Endimion , Lies slauering still vpon a lawlesse couch , Furor will haue thee carted through the dirt , That makest great poet Furor want his shirt . Inge .

Is not here a tru● dogge that dare barke so boldly at the Mooone .

Phil . Exclayming want and needy care and carke , Would make the mildest spright to bite and barke . Phan .

Canes timidi vehementius latrant . There are certaine burrs in the I le of doggs called in our English tongue , men of worship , certaine briars as the Indians call them , as we say certayne lawyers , certayne great lumps of earth , as the Arbians call them , certayne grosers as wee tearme them , quos ego sed motos praestat componere fluctus .

Inge . We three vnto the snarling Iland hast , And there our vexed breath in snarling wast . Phil . We will be gone vnto the downes of Kent , Sure footing we shall find in humble dale : Our fleecy flocke wee l learne to watch and warde , In Iulyes heate and cold of Ianuary : Wee l chant our woes vpon an oaten reede , Whiles bleating flock vpon their supper feede : So shall we shun the company of men , Stud . That growes more hatefull as the world growes old , Wee l teach the murmeting brookes in tears to flow : And steepy rocke to wayle our passed wo . Acad . Adew you gentle spiritts , long adew : Your witts I loue and your ill fortunes rue : I le hast me to my Cambridge cell againe , My fortunes cannot wax but they may waine . Inge . Adew good sheppards , happy may you liue , And if heereafter in some secret shade , You shall recount poore schollers miseries , Vouchsafe to mention with teares swelling eyes , Ingeniosoes thwarting destinyes , And thou still happy Academico , That still maist rest vpon the muses bed , Inioying there a quiet slumbering , When thou repayest vnto thy Grantaes streame , Wonder at thine owne blisse , pitty our case , That still doth tread ill fortunes endlesse maze , Wish them that are preferments Almoners , To cherish gentle wits in their greene bud : For had not Cambridge bin to me vnkinde , I had not turn'd to gall a milkye minde . Phil . I wish thee of good hap a plentious store , Thy wit deserues no lesse , my loue can wish no more . Farewell , farewell good Academico . Neuer maist thou tast of our sore passed woe . Wee wish thy fortunes may attaine their due : Furor and you Phantasma both adue . Acad . Farewell , farewell , farewell , o long farewell , The rest my tongue conceales , let sorrow tell , Phan .

Et longum vale , inquit Iola .

Furor . Farewel my masters , Furor's a masty dogge , Nor can with a smooth glozing farewell cog . Nought can great Furor do , but barke and howle , And snarle , and grin , and carle , and towze the world , Like a great swine by his long leane card lugges . Farewell musty , dusty , rusty , fusty London , Thou art not worthy of great Furors wit , That cheatest vertue of her due desert , And sufferest great Apolloes sonne to want . Inge . Nay stay awhile and helpe me to content : So many gentle witts attention , Who kennes the lawes of euery comick stage , And wonders that our scene ends discontent . Ye ayrie witts subtill , Since that few schollers fortunes are content , Wonder not if our scene ends discontent . When that your fortunes reach their due content , Then shall our scene end in her meriment . Phil . Perhaps some happy wit wi●h seeling hand , Hereafter may recorde the pastorall Of the two schollers of Pernassus hil , And then our scene may end and haue content . Inge . Meane time if there be any spightfull Ghost , That smiles to see poore schollers misery : Cold is his charity , his wit too dull , We scorne his censure , he is a ieering gull . But whatsoere refined sprights there be , That deepely grone at our Calamity , Whose breath is turn'd to sighes , whose eyes are wet , To see bright arts bent to their latest set : Whence neuer they againe their heads shall reere , To blesse our art disgracing hemispheere . Inge .

Let them .

Furor .

Let them .

Phan .

Let them .

All giue vs a plaudite . Acad .

And none but them .

Phil .

And none but them .

Stud .

And none but them .

FINIS .