Tarltons Iest of a red face .

TO an Ordinary in the White Friers , where Gentlemen vsed , by reason of extraordinarie dyet , to this Tarlton often frequented , as well to continue acquaintance , as to please his appetite : it chanced so vpon a time ( especially ) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants , they enquired of him why melancholy had got the vpper-hand of his mirth , to which he said little , but with a squint eie , as custom had made him hare ▪ eied , he lookt for a Iest to make them merry ; at last he espyed one that sate on his left side , which had a very red face , hee being a very great Gentleman ( which was all one to Tarlton ) he presently in great hast called his Hoast : who do I serue my Hoast ? quoth Tarlton , the Quéenes Maiestie , replied the good man of the house : how happens it then quoth Tarlton , that to her Maiesties disgrace , you dare make me a companion with Seruingmen , clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sléeue , looking at the Gentleman with the red face , me thinks quoth he , it sits like the Sarazens head without Newgate : the Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt ▪ like Aetna for anger , the rest laughed heartily : in the end all inraged , the Gentleman swore to fight with him at the next méeting .

A sodaine and dangerous fray , twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton , which he put off with a Iest .

AS Tarlton & others passed along Fléestréet , hee espied a spruce yong gallant , blacke of complexion , with long haire hanging downe ouer his eares , and his beard of the Italian cut , in white Satten , very quaintly cut , and his body so stiffe starcht , that he could not bend himselfe any way for no gold : Tarlton , séeing such a wonder comming , trips before him , and méeting this gallant tooke the wall of him , knowing that one so proud , at least looked for the prerogatiue . The gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall , or so much indignifie him , turnes himselfe , and presently drew his Rapier , Tarlton drew likewise : The Gentleman fell to it roundly , but Tarlton in his owne defence , compassing and trauersing his ground , gaped with a wide mouth , whereat the people laughed : the Gentleman pausing , enquired why he gaped so ? O Sir saies he , in hope to swallow you , for by my troth , you séeme to me like a prune in a Mesle of white Broth : at this the people parted them , the Gentleman noting his mad humour , went his way well contented , for he knew not how to amend it .

Tarltons Iest of a Pippin .

AT the Bull in Bishopsgate stréet , where the Quéenes Plaiers oftentimes played : Tarlton comming on the Stage , one from the Gallerie threw a Pippin at him , Tarlton tooke vp the Pip , & looking on it made this sodaine iest .

Pip in or nose in , chuse you whether , Put yours in , ere I put in the other : Pippin you haue put in , then for my grace , Would I might put your nose in another place .

A Iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face .

TArlton hauing flouted the fellow for his Pippin which he threw , he thought to be méet with Tarlton at length , so in the Play Tarltons part was to trauell , who knéeling downe to aske his Father blessing : the fellow threwe an Apple at him , which hit him on the chéeke : Tarlton taking vp the Apple made this Iest .

Gentlemen , this fellow with his face of Mapple . In stead of a Pippin hath throwne me an Apple : But as for an Apple he hath cast a Crab , So in stead of an honest woman God hath sent him a Drab .

The people laughed heartily , for he had a Queane to his Wife .

How Tarlton and one in the Gallerie fell out .

IT chanced that in the midst of a Play , after long expectation for Tarlton , ( being much desired of the people ) at length he came forth : where at his entrance , one in the gallerie pointed his finger at him , saying to a friend that had neuer séene him , that is he : Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion giuen him , and séeing the man point with one finger , he in loue againe held vp two fingers : the captious fellow iealous of his wife ( for he was maried ) and because a Player did it , tooke the matter more hainously , and askt him why hee made Hornes at him : No quoth Tarlton , they be fingers :

For there is no man which in loue to mee Lends me one finger , but he shall haue three .

No , no , sayes the fellow , you gaue me the hornes : true saies Tarlton , for my fingers are tipt with nailes which are like hornes , and I must make a shew of that which you are sure of : this matter grew so , that the more he medled , the more it was for his disgrace : wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart , both he and his hornes , lest his cause grew desperate : so the poore fellow plucking his Hat ouer his eyes , went his wayes .

How Fiddlers fidled away Tarltons apparell .

IT chanced that one Fancie and Nancie , a Musition in London , vsed often with their Boyes to visite Tarlton , when he dwelt in Gracious-stréet , at the signe of the Saba , a Tauern ▪ he being one of their best friends or benefactors , by reason of old acquaintance : to requite which , they came one summers morning to play him the Hunts ' vp with such Musicke as they had : Tarlton , to requite them would open his Chamber doore , and for their paines would giue them Muskadine : which a Cony-catcher noting , and séeing Tarlton come foorth in his shirt and night-gowne to drinke with these Musitions , the while this nimble fellow stept in , and tooke Tarltons apparell which euery day he wore , thinking that if he were espied to turne it to a iest , but it past for currant and he goes his waies : Not long after Tarlton returned to his Chamber , and looked for his clothes , but they were safe enough from him . The next day this was noysed abroad , and one in the mockage threw him this Theam , he playing then at the Curtaine .

Tarlton I will tell thee a iest , Which after turned to earnest : One there was as I heard say , Who in his shirt heard Musicke play , While all his clothes were stolne away .

Tarlton smiling at this , answered on the sudden thus :

That 's certaine , Sir , it is no lye , That same one in truth was I : When that the theefe shall pine and lacke , Then shall I haue cloathes to my backe : And I together with my fellowes , May see him ride to Tiburne Gallowes .

Of Tarlton and a Begger .

THere was a poore Begger ( but a conceited fellow ) who séeing Tarlton at his doore , askt somthing of him for gods cause . Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket , gaue him two pence in stead of a peny , at which Tarlton made this Rime :

Of all other Beggers most happy thou art , For to thee my hand is better then my heart .

Quoth the Begger .

True it is Master , as it chanceth now , The better for me , and the worse for you .

How Tarlton deceiued a Doctor of Phisicke .

TArlton to satisfie the humors of certaine Gentlemen , his familiar acquaintance , went about for to try the skill of a simple Doctor of Phisicke , that dwelt not farre from I slington , and thus it was : hee tooke a faire Vrinall , and filled it halfe full of good wine , and bore it to this doctor , saying , it was a sicke mans water : who viewed it and tossing it vp and downe , as though he had great knowledge : quoth he , the patient whose water it is , is full of grosse humors , and hath néed of purging , and to be let some ten ounces of bloud . No you Dunce replyed Tarlton , it is good pisse , and with that drunke it off , and threw the Vrinall at his head .

How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow .

TArlton passing through London , by chance hee heard a simple Country fellow in an Ale-house , calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale , stept into him and threatned to accuse him of treason , saying : Sirra , I haue séene and tasted of a penny pot of Ale , and haue found good of the price , but of a Kingstone coine I neuer heard , therefore it is some counterfait , and I must know how thou camest by it : hereupon the Countrey fellow was driuen into such a maze , that out of doores he got , and tooke him to his héeles , as though wildfire had followed him .

How Tarlton was deceiued by his wife in London .

TArlton being merrily disposed , as his wife and he sate together , he said vnto her , Kate answere me to one question without a lye , and take this crowne of gold : which she tooke on condition , that if she lost , to restore it backe againe . Quoth Tarlton , am I a Cuckold or no Kate ? Whereat she answered not a word , but stood silent : notwithstanding he vrged her many waies : Tarlton séeing she would not speak , askt his gold againe : why quoth she , haue I made any lye ? no sayes Tarlton : why then goodman foole I haue won the wager : Tarlton mad with anger , made this Rime :

As women in speech can reuile a man , So can they in silence beguile a man .

One askt Tarlton what Countrey man the Diuell was .

IN Carter-lane dwelt a mery Cobler , who being in company with Tarlton , askt him what Countrey man the diuell was : quoth Tarlton , a Spaniard ; for Spaniards like the Diuell , trouble the whole world .

A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton .

IN the time of Scarsitie , a simple Chéesemonger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit , came vnto him , and asked him why he thought Chéese and Butter to be so déere : Tarlton answered , because Wood and Coles are so déere , for Butter and Chéese a man may eate without a fire .

Tarltons answere to a rich Londiner .

TArlton méeting a rich Londiner , fell into talke about the Bishop of Peterborough , highly praising ▪ his bounty to his seruants , his liberalitie to strangers , his great Hospitalitie and Charitie to the poore . He doth well sayes the rich man , for what he hath is his but during his life . Why quoth Tarlton , for how many liues haue you your goods ?

How Tarlton gaue away his dinner .

AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner , his wife being displeased with him , and thinking to crosse him , shee gaue away halfe of his meat vnto a poore Beggar , saying , take this for my other husbands sake . Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left , and likewise bad the poore fellow to pray for his other wifes soule .

Tarltons answere to a Boy in Rime .

THere was a crackrope Boy , méeting Tarlton in London stréet , sung this rime vnto Tarlton .

Woe worth thee Tarlton , That euer thou wast borne : Thy wife hath made thee Cuckold , And thou must weare the horne .

Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie .

What and if I be ( Boy ) I am nere the worse : Shee keepes me like a Gentleman , With money in my purse .

How Tarlton bid himselfe to dinner to my Lord Mayors .

A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine , and thought he , in all that a man does , let him ayme at the fairest , for sure if . I bid my selfe any where this day , it shall be to my Lord Maiors : and vpon this , goes to the Counter and entred his action against my Lord Maior , who was presently told of it , and sends for him . Tarlton waits dinner time , and then comes , who was admitted presently . Master Tarlton , sayes my Lord Maior , haue you entred an action against me in the Poultry Counter ? My Lord , sayes Tarlton , haue you entred an action against me in Woodstréet Counter ? Not I in troth , saies my Lord . No saies Tarlton , he was a villaine that told me so then : but if it be not so , forgiue me this fault my Lord , and I will neuer offend in the next : but in the end he begins to sweare , how he will bee reuenged on him that mockt him , and flings out in a rage , But my Lord sayd , stay M. Tarlton , dine with me , and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded . I will try that my Lord , saies Tarlton , and if it alter mine anger , both mine enemie & I will thanke you together for this curtesie .

Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare .

ONe that fell out with his friend , méets him in the stréet , and calling him into a corner , gaue him a boxe on the eare , and feld him , getting him gone , and neuer told wherefore he did so : which Tarlton beholding , raised vp the fellow , and askt him the reason of their suddaine falling out ? can you tell Sir said the fellow , for by my troth as yet I cannot ? Well said Tarlton , the more foole you , for had I such féeling of the cause , my wit would remember the iniurie , but many men are goslings , the more they féele the lesse they conceiue .

Tarltons Iest to two Taylors .

TArlton méeting two Tailors ( friends of his ) in the euening , in mirth cryes , who goes there ? A man answered a Taylor : How many is there ? one : Yea said Tarlton , two said the other Taylor : then you say true , said Tarlton : for two Taylors goes to a man . But before they parted , they foxt Tarlton , at the Castle in Paternoster Row , that Tarlton confest them two Taylors to be honest men : so what they spent in the purse they got in the person : comming but one by Tarltons account , they returned two : but Tarlton comming one , returned lesse by his wit , for that was shrunk in the whetting .

How Tarlton iested at his wife .

TArlton and his wife keeping an Ordinarie in Paternoster Row , was bidden out to Supper , and because he was a man noted , she would not goe with him in the street , but intreats him to kéepe one side and she another , which he consented to : but as he went he would cry out to her and say , Turne that way wife , and anon on this side wife : so the people flockt the more to laugh at them , but his wife more then mad angry , goes backe againe , and almost forswore his company .

How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to Ward .

WHen Tarlton dwelt in Gracious stréet , at a Tauerne at the signe of the Saba , he was chosen Scauenger : and often the Ward complained of his slacknes in kéeping the stréets cleane : so on a time when the Cart came , he asked the Raker , why he did his businesse so slackly . Sir said he , my fore-horse was in the fault , who being let blood and drencht yesterday , I durst not labour him : sir said Tarlton , your horse shall smart for it , and so leads him to the Counter , which the Raker laught at , and without his horse did his worke with the rest , thinking Tarltons homor was to iest , and would returne him his horse againe anon : but when that anon came , he was faine to pay all his fées of the prison , as directly as if he himselfe had béene there : for if Tarlton had committed the master , the busines had not gone forward , therefore the horse was in prison for the Master .

How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him .

TArlton kéeping a Tauerne in Gracious stréet , hee let it to another , who was indebted to Armins Master , a Gold smith in Lumbard stréet : yet he himselfe had a Chamber in the same house . And this Armin being then a wag came often thither to demaund his Masters money , which hee sometimes had , and sometimes had not : in the end the man growing poore , told the boy he had no money for his Master , and he must beare with him . The mans name being Charles , Armin made this verse , writing it with chalke on a waine-scot :

O world how wilt thou lie , is this Charles the great ? that I denie : Indeed Charles the great before , But now Charles the lesse , being poore .

Tarlton comming into the roome reading it , and partly acquainted with the boyes humor , comming often thither for his M. money , tooke a piece of chalke , & writ this rime by it .

A wag thou art , none can preuent thee , And thy desert shall content thee : Let me diuine , as I am , so in time thou 'lt be the same . My adopted sonne therefore be , To enioy my Clownes suite after me .

And sée how it fell out : the Boy reading this , so loued Tarlton after , that regarding him with more respect , vsed to his playes , and fell in a league with his humour , and priuate practise brought him to present playing , and at this houre performes the same , where at the Globe on the Bancke-side men may sée him .

Tarltons greeting with Bankes his horse .

THere was one Bankes ( in the time of Tarlton ) who serued the Earle of Essex , & had a horse of strange qualities : and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious stréete , getting money with him ( as he was mightily resorted to : ) Tarlton then ( with his fellowes ) playing at the Bell by , came into the Crosse-keyes amongst many people ) to sée fashions : which Bankes perceiuing ( to make the people laugh ) sayes Signior ( to his Horse ) goe fetch mee the veriest foole in the company , the Iade comes immediatly , and with his mouth drawes Tarlton forth : Tarlton with merry words said nothing , but God a mercy Horse : in the end , Tarlton séeing the people laugh so , was angry inwardly , and said , Sir , had I power of your horse , as you haue , I would doe more then that . Where ere it be said Bankes ( to please him ) I will charge him to do it : then saies Tarlton , charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company . He shall saies Bankes : Signior saies he , bring M. Tarlton heere the veriest Whoremaster in the company : the Horse leades his master to him : then God a mercy Horse indéed , sayes Tarlton : the people had much adoe to kéepe peace , but Bancks & Tarlton had like to squarde , and the horse by to giue ayme : but euer after it was a by-word through London , God a mercy horse , and is to this day .

An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken .

AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a play of Henry the fift , wherein the Iudge was to take a boxe on the eare , and because he was absent that should take the blow : Tarlton himselfe ( euer forward to please ) tooke upon him to play the same Iudge , besides his owne part of the Clowne : and Knell then playing Henry the fift , hit Tarlton a sound boxe indéed , which made the people laugh the more , because it was he : but anone the Iudge goes in , & immediatly Tarlton ( in his Clownes clothes ) comes out , and askes the Actors what newes ? O saith one , hadst thou béene here , thou shouldst haue séene Prince Henry hit the Iudge a terribly ▪ boxe on the eare : What man , said Tarlton , strike a Iudge ? It is true y faith , said the other : no other like , said Tarlton , and it could not be but terrible to the Iudge , when the report so terrifies me , that me thinkes the blow remaines still on my chéeke , that it burnes againe . The people laught at this mightily , and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare : but no maruaile , for he had many of these . But I would sée our Clownes in these dayes doe the like , no I warrant ye , and yet they thinke well of themselues too .

Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street .

A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the stréet , and said : Master Tarlton who liues longest ? Marry Boy , sayes Tarlton , he that dies latest : and why die men so fast , said the Boy ? because they want breath , said Tarlton : no rather said the Boy , because their time is come : then thy time is come , said Tarlton , sée who comes yonder : Who ? said the Boy : Marry said Tarlton , Bull the hangman : or one that would willingly be thy hangman : Nay , hang me then , if I employ him at this time , said the Boy . Well said Tarlton , then thou wilt be hanged by thy owne confession , and so they parted .

A Iest of Tarlton , prouing Mustard to haue wit .

TArlton kéeping an Ordinarie in Pater-noster row , and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry , would approue Mustard , ( standing before them ) to haue wit : how so sayes one ? It is like a witty skold , méeting another skold , knowing that skold will skold , begins to skold first , so saies he , the Mustard being lickt vp , and knowing that you will bite it , begins to bite you first : I le trie that saies a Gull by , and the Mustard so tickled him , that his eyes watered : how now sayes Tarlton , does my Iest sauour ? I , saies the Gull , and bite too : if you had had better wit , sayes Tarlton , you would haue bit first : so then conclude with me , that dumbe vnféeling Mustard , hath more wit then a talking vnféeling foole as you are . Some were pleased and some were not , but all Tarltons care was taken ( for his resolution was such euer ) before he talkt any Iest .

How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming vp of it .

TArlton ( as other Gentlemen vsed ) at the first comming vp of Tobacco , did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise , and being in a roome , set betwéene two men ouercome with wine , and they neuer séeing the like , wondred at it , and séeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose , cried out , fire , fire , and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face : Make no more stirre quoth Tarlton , the fire is quenched , if the Sheriffes come it will turne to a fine , as the custome is . And drinking that againe , fie sayes the other , what a stincke it makes , I am almost poisoned : If it offend , sayes Tarlton , let s euery one take a little of the smell , and so the sauour will quickly goe : but Tobacco whiffes made them leaue him to pay all .

Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Woodcocke .

IN the Citie of Glocester , Master Bird of the Chappell met with Tarlton , who ioyfull to regréet other , went to visit his friends : amongst the rest , M. Bird of the Quéens Chappell visited Master Woodcock of the Colledge , where méeting , many frindly spéeches past , amongst which , M. Woodcocke challenged M. Bird of kin : who mused that he was of his affinitie and hee neuer knew it : yes sayes M. Woodcocke , euery Woodcocke is a Bird , therefore it must néeds be so . Lord , Sir , sayes Tarlton , you are wide , for though euery Woodcocke be a Bird , yet euery Bird is not a Woodcocke . So M. Woodcocke like a Woodcocke bit his lip , and mum budged was silent .

Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron .

WHile the Quéens Plaiers lay in Worcester Citie to get money , it was his custome oft to sing extempory of Theams giuen him : amongst which they were appoynted to play the next day : now one fellow of the City amongst the rest , that séemed quaint of conceit , to lead other youths with his fine wit , gaue out that the next day hee would giue him a Theam , to put him to a non plus : diuers of his friends acquainted with the same , expected some rare conceit : Well , the next day came , and my gallant gaue him his inuention in two lines , which was this this :

Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit . To see a Gridiron turne the spit .

The people laughed at this , thinking his wit knew no answere thereunto , which angered Tarlton excéedingly , and presently with a smile looking about , when they expected wonders , he put it off thus :

Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit , To see an Asse haue any wit .

The people hooted for ioy , to sée the Theame-giuer dasht , who like a dog with his taile betwéene his legs , left the place : But such commendations Tarlton got , that hee supt with the Bailiffe that night , where my Theamer durst not come , although he were sent for , so much he vexed at that vnlookt ▪ for answere .

Tarltons answere in defence of his flat nose .

I Remember I was once at a Play ▪ in the Country , where as Tarltons vse was , the Play being done , euery one so pleased to throwe vp his Theame : amongst all the rest , one was read to this same effect , word by word .

Tarlton , I am one of thy friends , and none of thy foes , Then I prethee tell how thou cam'st by thy flat nose : Had I beene present at that time on those bankes , I would haue layd my short sword ouer his long shankes .

Tarlton mad at this question , as it was his propertie sooner to take such a matter ill then well , very suddenly returned him this answere :

Friend or foe , if thou wilt needs know , marke me well , With parting dogs & beares , then by the ears , this chance fel : But what of that ? though my nose be flat , my credit to saue , Yet very well , I can by the smell , scent an honest man from a knaue .

Tarltons Iest of a Bristowman .

WHen the Quéenes Players were restrained in Summer , they trauailed downe to S. Iames his Faire , at Bristowe , where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners , and those Citizens : it happened that a wealthy Citizen , called M. Sunbanke , one morning secretly married his Maid ; but not so secret , but it was blowne abroad : that morning , Tarlton and others , walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London , and being in company of Bristow men , they did sée M. Sunbancke comming , who had this propertie with his necke , not to stirre it any way , but to turne body & all : it chanced at the Faire end , he stood to pisse against a wall : to whom Tarlton came , and clapping him on the shoulder , God giue you ioy of your marriage , saies he : M. Sunbanke being taken pissing against the wall , would haue lookt backe to thanke him , and suddainly turnes about body and all , in the view of many , and shewed all : which so abasht him , that ashamed he tooke into a Tauerne , protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound : sure sayd the Vintner , the fault is in your necke , who will not turne without the bodies assistance , and not in M. Tarlton : Call you him M. Tarlton , saies M. Sunbancke ? I Sir , saies the Vintner , he is the Quéens Iester : he may be whose Iester he will be , but this Iest agrées not with me at this time .