The harangues or speeches of several famous mountebanks in town and country

THE HARANGUES Of several Famous Quack Doctors , &c.

The QUACK by Thomas Rands .

MY Name is Don Paraselsus de Curiandi ; I live at the Sign of the Pestle and Morter in Glister-Pipe-Lane , near Bolus-Alley ; my Business , in this famous Nation , is to let my Fellow Christians know the excellent Qualifications of my Medicines , which I sell to the Rich , but give away gratis to the Poor .

Imprimis , Is there any old Women amongst you , who are troubled with the Pimple-Pamplins , whose Skin is too short for their Bodies , that they cannot Sleep for Farting : See , here is my Antipamphastick Powder , or my Sovereign Carminick , which discharges Ventiserous Humours , of what kind soever , and will reduce you to Soundness of Body in the Twinkling of a Hobby-Horse .

Then see , here is my Balsamum Stobule Swordum , or an Ointment that 's good against all Cuts , green or canker'd Wounds . Now , suppose any honest Man amongst you has Hurt or Cut himself with either Sword , Gun , or Musket , Spit , Jack , or Grid-Iron , Glass-Bottle , or Pint-Pot , by the Help and Application of this my Celebrated Balsam , they are immediately cur'd , without giving themselves the Trouble of sending for an illiterate Surgeon , who will sooner cleanse their Pockets of its Money , than the Wounds of its Infection ,

Then , here is my Unguentum Cataphon , or , an Ointment that 's good against all Strains , Sprains , or Bruises . Now , suppose any honest Farmer amongst you has strain'd or sprain'd his Legs , Arms , or Ancles , by over lifting himself at a Gate-Post , or Barn-Door , Dung-Pot , or Chart Wheel , or has got a Fall from a Hay-Rick , or a Barley-Mow ; by the Application of this my Medicating Unguent , being properly us'd by Friction , and by the Hand of a Maid of Fifteen , you need not doubt a Cure , my Life to an Apple-Pye .

Then , Gentlemen , see here is my Purando's Tankapon Tolos , that is to say , in the Arabian Language , The Wonder-working Pills : The excellent Quality of which , is hardly known , even to my self : But I can assure you , they are good against all Sanguine , Melancholly , Phlegmatick , or Cholerick Humours : They are Sudorifick , Cathartick , Specifick , Amaradulsick , Abstergick , Mundifick , and Apperiatick .

They purge the Brain from all Crassick Cloudifying Humours which obstruct the Senses of all Superanuated Maids . They immediately perform an Articulation of Dislocated Junctions . They make the Curratick , directick , and the Directick indirectick , in their Lives and Conversations . They cause the Old to appear young , the Young handsome , and the Handsome witty .

Take Three of these Pills in a Morning , Jejuno Stomacho , with Two Quarts of Aqua Gruellis , to force an Operation , by an immediate Evacuation , and you 'll possess a perfect Deliveration for all inordinate Motions of the Mind , as Trapidity , Anger , Melancholly , Mistrust , or the like .

They immediately dissipate the Spirit of Jealousy in the Young or Old . Now , suppose any Person , here present , is troubled with this grievous and tormenting Distemper , and fancies his Wife to be what she is , or what she really may not be , let him take five of these Pills , as my printed Paper shall give Directions , and attend the Operation ; and if he has a just Occasion , it will give him just five Stools ; if on the contrary , it will have no more Operation upon him than the like Quantity of Sugar-Candy .

These wonderful Pills strengthen the Nerves , cleanse the Urinal Passages , and purge the Stomach from all Distempers got by crude , raw , and undigested Meats . In fine , there is no Distemper of the Body whatsoever , but what these Pills will entirely eradicate , tho' it lies lurking in the Mass of Blood .

I shall say no more at present , only let you know that now is your Time to furnish yourselves with my Medicines . The Price of them is small , tho' the Operation wonderful .

I am none of those Fellows that set an extravagant Value upon themselves , meerly because they ride upon Spotted Horses , and express themselves in ridiculous and unintelligible Terms , to amuse the Vulgar ; but I am the Famous Don Paracelsus , who , for several Years , have been known in this famous City ; and because I will encourage you to Buy , here is my Antipamphastick Powder , my Balsamum Stobule Swordum , my Unguentum Cataphen , together with my Purandos Tankapon Tolos , and all for the Price of Six Pence . My Medicines have made themselves and me Famous throughout Asia , Africa , Europe , and America .

It was I that cur'd Prestor John's Juggler's Wife's Waiting-Gentlewoman of a Fistula in her Elbow , of which she dy'd .

It was I that prevented the Old Woman at Exeter , from running Head-long into a Wine-Cellar .

It was I that cur'd the Morocco Embassaof a Lapsa Lingua .

It was me , and only me , that cured the French Dancing-Man , at Amsterdam , of the Consumption in his Pockets .

I am as well known in the Terra Incognita , as in any Part of Europe , where I perform'd an excellent Cure upon Captain Nonsuch , Commander of the Nonnomen Galley , who had a Cannon-Ball lodg'd in his Little-Finger ; likewise the Carpenter of the same Ship , who had swollow'd a Hand-spike .

I resided for several Years in the great City of Moscow ; where , by my internal Medicines , and by my external and manual Operations , I became more Famous among them , than ever the Learned Talicotius was among the Inhabitants of the Deserts of Arabia ; for which Reasons the Learned University of that City was pleas'd to bestow this Distich in Favour of me .

Tantagores thetow , Phylosophia grandila Moscow , Stanstephon Physica , Musica , Artibus Kill-cow .

Before I conclude my Discourse , I must let you know , that I understand , and can read the Language of the Stars , and that I resolve all Manner of Lawful Questions , and am profound in Physiognomy and Palmistry , and that I am commenc'd Master of the Mathematicks , Geometry , Trigonometry , Algebra , Rhetorick , Logick , and Plain-Sailing .

Gentlemen , and Fellow Christians , my Hours are from Six 'till Seven , from Seven 'till Eleven , and from Eleven all Day .

I. Here Men of great Sense , At a little Expence , May furnish themselves with a Packet : O● if any one 's poor , That has been with a Whore , For Six-Pence he need not to lack it . II. Though Money be scant , Yet Physick you 'll want , If ever you come into Danger : Then Beaus come , and Buy it , Prove , Judge , and Try it , Or privately come to my Chamber .

The High German DOCTOR and the English FOOL . Gentlemen ,

THO ' I am an English Fool , yet , my Master has the Honour to be a High German Physician ; who , in his Travels round the Universe , has cur'd twelve Foreign Ministers of State of those Twin Plagues , Bribery and Infidelity ; Six Kings of a Tyranical Fevers ; the whole Conclave of Cardinals of Pride , Laziness , and Hypocrisy ; and the present Pope of the Antichristian Evil.

He was also three Years Oculist to the German Spread Eagle , and seven Years Operator for the Teeth to the King of Spain's white Elephants : He is not only Learned by his long Studies , but Reverend , as you may see by his Beard ; and Wife , as you may judge by his Silence : He has made himself , by his long Travels , an absolute Master of all the Tongues in the whole World , ( except the Language of this Kingdom , ) and at these Years has put himself into his English A , b , c , in order to make himself an universal Scholar .

Amongst the many excellent Medicaments contain'd in his little Health-preserving Packet , the first Thing that he presents you with , is this minute Panpharmacon , which he calls , his Pillula infalibilis , or his infallible Pill ; tho' 't is so small in Bulk , that it is scarce discernable without a Microscope , yet , it is so mighty in its Operation , that it will raise the weakest Patient out of his sick Bed , and make him strong enough , in two Minutes , to encounter Conscience , Death , and the Devil .

In the next Place , he communicates to your View his most excellent umbellical Sticking Plaister ; which , if apply'd by the Wife , to the Pit of her Husband's Stomach , disperses all manner of jealous Heart-burnings , prevents the many violent Evils that daily arise , from that predominant Monarchical Distemper , such as , Grumbling in the Gizard , Murder , Imprisonment , and the like ; these , with all its evil Concomitants , it disperses in a Moment , and so strengthens his Appetite towards Family Duty , that he will be able to Love wonderfully , and beget a miraculous Progeny .

Here is , likewise , a Pot of Mollifying Ointment , for the suppling and stretching of narrow and hide-bound Consciences , extraordinary useful for all fashionable Zealots , who are desirous of making their Religion subservant to their Interest ; let them but outwardly apply this Balsam every Saturday Night , and by Sunday Morning , they will find themselves such prevaricating Christians , that they may go to Church in the Morning , and to Meeting in in the Afternoon , and return Home as devout Hypocrites as if they had gone to neither .

Lastly , To Crown the whole Number of his admirable Secrets , here is that rich and excellent Preservative , as well , as Antidote , his Orvietano : Take a small Dose of this next your Heart in a Morning , and you may venture any Time of the Day after into the most disaffected Coffee-House in London , without the Danger of being poison'd with Rebellious Principles : It expels all Low Country Schism by a Belch ; carries off all Disloyalty in a Fart ; and is the best Restorative to strengthen weak Faith , and decay'd Allegiance , that ever was yet discover'd since the Fall of Adam .

And all these Medicines , contain'd in this little Packet , the Doctor , through his Bounty to the Publick , is willing to let you have for the small Value of Six-Pence .

The Infallible MOUNTABANK , or , QUACK DOCTOR . SEE ! Sirs , see here ! A Doctor rare , Who Travels much at Home ! Here , take my Bills , I cure all Ills , Past , present , and to come ; The Cramp , the Stich , The Squirt , the Itch , The Gout , the Stone , the Pox ; The Mulligrubs , The Bonny Scrubs , And all Pandora's Box. Thousands I've dissected , Thousands new erected , And such Cures effected , As none e're can tell . Let the Palsie shake ye , Let the Chollick rack ye , Let the Crinkums break ye , Let the Murrain take ye ; Take this , and you are well . Come Wits , so keen , Devour'd with Spleen , Come Beaus who sprain'd your Backs ; Great Belly'd Maids , Old founder'd Jades , And peper'd Vizard Cracks I soon remove The Pains of Love , And cure the Love-sick Maid ; The Hot , the Cold , The Young , the Old , The Living , and the Dead ; I clear the Lass , With wainscot Face , And from Pimginets free , Plum Ladies red , Like Sarazan's Head , With toaping Rattafia ; This with a Jirk , Will do your Work , And scour you o're , and o're : Read , Judge , and Try , And if you Die , Never believe me more .

Pharmacopola Circumforaneus ; or , The HORSE DOCTOR's Harangue to the Credulous Mob . Gentlemen ,

I Waltho Van Claturbank , High German Doctor , Chymist , and Dentifricator , Native of Arabia , Deserta , Citizen and Burgomaster of the City of Brandipolis , Seventh Son of the Seventh Son , Unborn Doctor , of above 60 Years Experience , having studied over Galen , Hypocrates , Albumazar , and Paracelsus , am now become the Aesculapius of this Age. Having been educated at Twelve Universities , and travelled through Fifty two Kingdoms , and been Counsellor to the Counsellors of several Monarchs , Natural Son of the Wonder-working Chymical Doctor , Signior Hanesio , lately arrived from the farthest Parts of Utopia , famous throughout Asia , Africa , Europe , and America , from the Sun's Oriental Exaltation to his Occidental Declination : Out of meer Pitty to my own dear Self , and languishing Mortals , have by the earnest Prayers and and Intreaties of several Lords , Earls , Dukes , and Honourable Personages , been at last prevail'd upon to oblige the World with this Notice ;

That all Persons , Young and Old , Blind or Lame , Deaf or Dumb , Curable or Incurable , may know where to repair for Cure , in all Cephalalgia's , Paralitick , Paraxysms , Palpitations of the Pericardium , Empyemas , Syncopes , and Nasieties , arising either from a Plethory , or a Cacochymy , Vertiginous Vapours , Hydiocephalus Dissenteries , Odontalgick or Podagrical Inflammations , Iliack Passions , Icterical Effusions , Exanthemata , the Hen-Pox , the Hog-Pox , the Whores Pox , and the Small Pox ; the Ascites , Tympanites , Anasarca , and the entire Legion of Lethiferous Distempers .

Imprimis , Gentlemen , I have a never-failing Stiptick , coroborating , odoriferous , anodinous , balsamick Balsam of Balsams , made of dead Men's Fat , Rosin , and Goose-Grease , which infallibly restores lost Maidenheads , raises demoish'd Noses , and by its abstersive cosmetick Quality , preserves superannuated Bawds from Wrinkles .

Item , I have the true Carthramophra of the Triple Kingdom , my never-failing Heliogenes , being the Tincture of the Sun , deriving Vigour , Influence , and Dominion from the same Light ; it causes all Complexions to Laugh or Smile , at the very Time of taking it ; is seven Years in preparing , and being compleated , secundum Artem , by Fermentation , Cohobation , Calcination , Sublimation , Fixation , Philtration , Circulation , and Quidlibitification , in Balneo Mariae , Crucible and Fixatory , the Athanor , Cucurbita , and Reverberatory , is the only Sovereign Medicine in the World .

This is Natures Palladium , Health's Magazine ; it works seven manner of Ways , in order as Nature herself requires , for it scorns to be confin'd to any particular way of Operation ; so that it effecteth the Cure , either Hypnotically , Hydrotically , Cathartically , Poppismatically , Hydrogogically , Pneumatically , or Synechdochically ; it mundifies the Hypogastrium , wipes off abstersively those tenacious conglomerated sedimental Sordes that adhere to the Oesophagus and Viscera ; extinguishes all supernatural Fermentations and Ebulitions ; and , in fine , annihilates all Nosotrophical Morbifick Ideas of the whole Corporeal Compages .

A Drachm of it is worth a Bushel of March Dust : For if a Man chance to have his Brains beat out , or his Head chop'd off , two Drops , I say , two Drops , Gentlemen , seasonably apply'd , will recal the fleeting Spirits , re-inthrone the deposed Archeus , cement the Discontinuity of the Parts , and in six Minutes restore the lifeless Trunk to all its prestine Functions , Vital , Natural , and Animal ; so that this , believe me , Gentlemen , is the only Sovereign Remedy in the World .

I have the chiefest Antepudenda Gragran Specifick in Venus Regalia , which infallibly cures the French Pox , with all its Train of Gonorrheas , Bubo's and Shankers , Carnosities , Phymosis , Paraphymosis , Christalline Priapismus , Caudalomata , and Ragades , without Baths and Stoves , and that with as much Pleasure as the same was contracted ; so that 't is worth any Person 's while to get the Distemper once a Fortnight , if it be to be had for Love or Money , to enjoy the Benefit of so diverting a Remedy .

I have the Panchymagogon of Hermes-Trismegistus , an incomparable Spagyrick Tincture of the Moon 's Horns , which is the only infallible Antidote against the Contagion of Cuckoldom .

Besides , my Vermifugus Pulvis , or Antivermatical Worm-conquering Powder , so famous for destroying all Sorts of 'em , incident to human Bodies , breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum , and dissolving the Phlegmatick Crudities that produce these Anthropohagous Vermine : It hath brought away Worms by Urine , as long as the May-Pole in the Strand , when it flourish'd in its primative Prolixity , tho' I confess not altogether so thick .

Look ye , Gentlemen , I have it under the Hands and Seals of all the greatest Sultans , Sophys , Bashas , Viziers , Chams , Serasquiers , and Mufties , &c. in Christendom , to Verificate the Truth of my Operations , that I have actually performed such Cures , as are really beyond human Abilities .

I cur'd Prestor John's Godmother , to the great Admiration of all the Court , of a stupendious Dolour about the Os Sacrum , so that the good old Lady really fear'd the Perdition of her Huckle-Bone ; I did it by fomenting her Posteriors , with a Mummy of Nature , alias , called Pilgrim's Salve , mix'd up with the Spirit of Mugwort , tartaragraphated thorough an Alembick of Christalline Transfluency .

Thence was I sent for to Sultan Gilgon Despote of Bosnia , who was violently afflicted with the Spasmus : He came to meet me 300 Leagues in a Go-Cart : But I gave him so speedy on Acquittance of his Dolour , that the next Night I caused him to Dance a Saraband with Flipflaps and Somersets .

I restor'd Virility , and the Comforts of Generation , to above 150 Eunuchs in the Grand Senior's Seraglio ; and by a Pair of Prolifick Pills , lately caused a Vintner's Widow , who had been Barren all her Days , to conceive of a Man Child , in the twelfth Luster of her Age , without the Help of her Husband .

I cured likewise the Dutchess of Boromolpho of a Cramp in her Tongue ; and the Count de Redomontado Corrept , with an Illiack Passion , contracted by eating butter'd Parships .

I also cured an Alderman of Grand Cairo , who had been sick seven Years of the Plague in 46 Minutes : And by the like Empyrical Remedies I lately cured Duke Philorix of a Dropsy , of which he died .

Venienti occurrite Morbo , Down with your Dust ; Principiis obsta , No Cure , no Money ; Quar●nda Pecunia primum , Be not sick too late .

You that are willing to render yourselves Immortal , buy this Packet ; or else repair to the Sign of the Prancers , in Vico vulgo dicto , Rattlecliffero , something South-East of the Teplum Danicum , in the Square of Profound-Close , not far from Titter-Tatter Fair , and you may see , hear , and return Reinfecta .

The Harangue , or Quack Speech of T. JONES at York . Gentlemen and Ladies ,

YOU that have a mind to preserve your own and your Families Health , may here , at the Expence of a Two-Penny Piece , furnish yourselves with a Packet , which contains several Things of great Use , and wonderful Operation in human Bodies , against all Distempers whatsoever ,

Gentlemen , Because I present my self among you , I would not have you to think ▪ I am any Upstart Glister-Pipe , Bum-Peeping Apothecary : No , Gentlemen , I am no such Person , I am a regular Physician ; and have travell'd most Kingdoms in the World , purely to do my Country good . I am not a Person that takes delight , as a great many do , to fill your Ears with hard Words , in telling you the Nature of Turpet Mineral , Mercuri Dulcis , Balsamum Capiviet , Astringents , Laxations , Hardboundations , Circulations . Vibrations , Salivations , Excoriations , Scaldations , Urinations . These Quacks , may fi ly be called , Solimites , because they prescribe only one sort of Physick for all Distempers , that is , a Vomit .

If a Man has bruis'd his Elbow ; Take a Vomit , says the Doctor . If you have any Corns ; Take a Vomit . If he has torn his Coat ; Take a Vomit . For the Jaundice , Fevers , Flux , Gripes , Gout , Stone , Pox nay , even the Distempers that only my Friend , the famous Doctor Tuff , whom you all know , as the Hocognicles , Marthambles , the Mo●n-Paul , and the Strong-Fives ; A Vomit ; Tantum . Gentlemen , These Impostors value Killing of a Man , no more , than I value drawing an old Stump of a Tooth , which has long troubled any of you ; so that , I say , They are a pack of Tag-Rag , Assifatida , Glister-Pipe Doctors .

Now , Gentlemen , having given you a short Account of this spurious Race ; I shall present you with my Cordial Pills , being the Tincture of the Sun , having Dominion from the same Light , giving Relief and Comfort to all Mankind : They cause all Complexions to Laugh or Smile , in the the very taking them , they presently cure all Dizziness , Swimmings , Dulness in the Head , and Scurvy .

In the next Place , I recommend to you my incomparable Balsam , which heals all Sores , Cuts , Ulcers , new and old .

'T is good for Burns , Scalds , Swellings , Bruises , Strains , Aches , Weakness in the Joints and Limbs , &c. it cures the King 's Evil , sore Breasts , and scald Heads ; and it is taken inwardly for a Cough , Consumption , short Breath , Weakness of the Back , or any inward Hurt .

The next unparallel'd Medicine , contain'd in this my Packet , is an admirable Electuary , celebrated throughout all England , Scotland , France , and Ireland , Dominion of Wales , and Town of Berwick upon Tweed . It cures all curable Diseases , by very easy and gentle purging ; it causes an Appetite , helps all Distempers in the Eyes , Face , swelled Lips ; and opens the Stoppage of the Liver and Spleen , &c.

The next I present you with , is my Specifick , which certainly cures all Agues in a Minuet .

The next is my Red Plaister , which radically cures the most inveterate Rheumatism and Gout in a few Day 's Time .

The last , and most useful Medicine prepared throughout the whole World , is this , my Pulvis Catharticus : Its Virtues are such , it will , equally with the Unicorn's Horn , expel the rankest Poison ; 't is a perfect , safe , and speedy Cure , for all venerial Maladies , of what Degree soever , and fortifies the Heart against all Fainting .

I do assure you , Country Folk , these Medicines are as good as any Physician can make , or Patient take ; their Virtues are too well known , to say any more ; so I shall leave you to experience them . And so I wish you Health , and Happiness .

You may come to my Lodgings , at the Barber's Pole Stone-Gate : At Home , from Seven to Eleven .

To all Gentlemen and Ladies , and Others , whether of City , Town , or Country , ALEXANDER BENDO wisheth all Health and Prosperity .

WHereas this famous Metropolis of England ; ( and were the Endeavours of its worthy Inhabitants equal to their Power , Merit , and Virtue , I should not stick to denounce it , in a short time , the Metropolis of the whole World : ) Whereas , I say , this City , ( as most great Ones are ) has ever been infested with a numerous Company of such , whose arrogant Confidence , back'd with their Ignorance , has enabled them to impose upon the People , either by premeditated Cheats , or , at best , the palpable , dull , and empty Mistakes of their self-deluded Imagination in Physick , Chymical and Galenick , in Astrology , Physiognomy , Palmestry , Mathematicks , Alchymy , and even in Government itself : The last of which , I will not propose to discourse of , or meddle at all in , since it no Way belongs to my Trade or Vocation , as the rest do ; which ( Thanks to my God ) I find much more safe , I think equally honest , and therefore more profitable .

But as to all the former , they have been so erroneously practis'd by many unlearn'd Wretches , whom Poverty and Neediness , for the most Part , ( if not the restless Itch of Deceiving , ) has forc'd to straggle and wander in unknown Paths , that even the Professions themselves , tho' originally the Products of the most learned and wise Mens labourious Studies and Experience , and by them left a wealthy and glorious Inheritance for Ages to come , seem , by this Bastard-Race of Quacks and Cheats , to have been run out of all Wisdom , Learning , Perspicuousness , and Truth , with which they were so plentifully stock'd ; and now run into a Repute of meer Mists , Imaginations , Errors , and Deceits , such as , in the Management of these Idle Professors , indeed they were .

You will therefore , ( I hope , ) Gentlemen , Ladies , and others , deem it but just , that that I , who for some Years have with all Faithfulness and Assiduity courted these Arts , and receiv'd such signal Favours from them , that they have admitted me to the happy and full Enjoyment of themselves , and trusted me with their greatest Secrets , should , with an Earnestness and Concern more than ordinary , take their Parts against these impudent Fops , whose saucy impertinent Addresses and Pretensions have brought such a Scandal upon their most immaculate Honours and Reputations .

Besides , I hope you will not think I could be so impudent , that if I had intended any such foul Play myself , I would have given you so fair Warning , by my severe Observations upon others . Qui alterum incusat Probri , ipsum se intueri oportet , ( Plaut. ) However , Gentlemen , in a World like this , where Virtue is so exactly counterfeited , and Hypocrisy so generally taken Notice of , that every one ( arm'd with Suspicion ) stands upon his Guard against it , 't will be very hard , for a Stranger especially , to escape Censure . All I shall say for my self on this Score , is this ; If I appear to any one like a Counterfeit , even for the sake of that , chiefly , ought I to be constru'd a true Man ? Who is the Counterfeit's Example : His Original , and that which he employs his Industry and Pains to imitate and copy . Is it therefore my Fault , if the Cheat , by his Wits and Endeavours , makes himself so like me , that consequently I cannot avoid resembling him ? Consider , pray , the Valiant , and the Coward ; the wealthy Merchant , and the Bankrupt ; the Politician and the Fool ; they are the same in many Things , and differ but in one alone : The valiant Man holds up holds up his Head , looks confidently round about him , wears a Sword , courts a Lord's Wife , and owns it : So does the Coward . One only Point of Honour excepted , and that 's Courage , which , ( like false Metal , one only Tryal can discover ) makes the Distinction .

The Bankrupt walks the Exchange , buys Bargains , draws Bills , and accepts them with the Richest , whilst Paper and Credit are current Coin : That which makes the Difference is real Cash ; a great Defect , indeed , and yet but one , and that the last found out , and still , 'till then , the least perceiv'd .

Now for the Politician : He is a grave , deliberating , close , prying Man : Pray are there not grave , deliberating , close , prying Fools .

If then , the Difference betwixt all these , ( tho' infinite in Effect ) be so nice in all Appearance , will you expect it should be otherwise betwixt the false Physician , Astrologer , &c. and the true ? The first calls himself learned Doctor , sends forth his Bills , gives Physick and Counsel , tells and foretels ; the other is bound to do just as much : 'T is only your Experience must distinguish betwixt them ; to which I willingly submit myself . I 'll only say something to the Honour of the Mountebank , in case you discover me to be one .

Reflect a little , what Kind of Creature it is : He is one , then , who is fain to supply some higher Ability he pretends to , with Craft ; he draws great Companies to him by undertaking strange Things , which can never be effected . The Politician , ( by his Example no doubt , ) finding how the People are taken with specious miraculous Impossibilities , plays the same Game , protests , declares , promises I know not what , Things which he is sure can never be brought about : The People believe , are deluded , and pleas'd ; the Expectation of a future Good , which shall never befal them , draws their Eyes off a present Evil. Thus are they kept and establish'd in Subjection , Peace , and Obedience ; he in Greatness , Wealth , and Power . So you see the Politician is , and must be , a Mountebank , in State-Affairs ; and the Mountebank , no doubt , if he thrives , is an errant Politician in Physick . But that I may not prove too tedious , I will proceed faithfully to inform you , what are the Things in which I pretend chiefly , at this Time , to serve my Country ,

First , I will ( by the Leave of God ) perfectly cure that Labes Britannica , or Grand English Disease , the Scurvy ; and that with such Ease to my Patient , that he shall not be sensible of the least Inconveniency , whilst I steal his Distemper from him . I know there are many , who treat this Disease with Mercury , Antimony , Spirits , and Salts , being dangerous Remedies , in which I shall meddle very little , and with great Caution ; but by more secure , gentle , and less fallible Medicines , together with the Observation of some few Rules in Diet , perfectly cure the Patient , having freed him from all the Symptoms , as Looseness of the Teeth , Scorbutick Spots , Want of Appetite , Pains and La●●tude in the Limbs and Joints , especially the Legs . And to say true , there are few Distempers in this Nation that are not , or at least proceed not originally from the Scurvy ; which , were it well rooted out , ( as I make no Question to do it from all those who shall come into my Hands ) there would not be heard of so many Gouts , Aches , Dropsies , and Consumptions ; nay , even those thick and slimy Humours , which generate Stones in the Kidneys and Bladder , are for the most Part Off-springs of the Scurvy . It would prove tedious to set down all its malignant Race ; but those who address themselves here , shall be still inform'd by me of the Nature of their Distempers , and the Grounds I proceed upon to their Cure : So will all reasonable People be satisfy'd , that I treat them with Care , Honesty , and Understanding ; for I am not of their Opinion , who endeavour to render their Vocations rather mysterious , than useful and satisfactory .

I will not here make a Catalogue of Diseases and Distempers ; it behoves a Physician , I am sure , to understand them all ; but if any one come to me , ( as I think there are very few , that have escaped my Practice ) I shall not be asham'd to own to my Patient where I find myself to seek ; and , at least , he shall be secure with me from having Experiments try'd upon him ; a Privilege he can never hope to enjoy , either in the Hands of the grand Doctors of the Court and Town , or in those of the lesser Quacks and Mountebanks .

It is thought fit , that I assure you of great Secrecy , as well as Gare in Diseases , where it is requisite , whether Venereal , or other ; as some peculiar to Women , the Green-Sickness , Weakness , Inflammations , or Obstructions in the Stomach , Reins , Liver , Spleen , &c. for I would put no Word in my Bill that bears any unclean Sound ; it is enough that I make myself understood . I have seen Physicians Bills as bawdy as Aretine's Dialogues , which no Man , that walks warily before God , can approve of ; but I cure all Suffocations in those Parts producing Fits of the Mother , Convulsions , nocturnal Inquietudes , and other strange Accidents , not fit to be set down here ; perswading young Women very often that their Hearts are like to break for Love , when , God knows , the Distemper lies far enough from that Place .

I have likewise got the Knowledge of a great Secret , to cure Barrenness , ( proceeding from any accidental Cause , as it often falls out , and no natural Defect ; for Nature is easily assisted , difficultly restor'd , but impossible to be made more perfect by Man , than God himself had first created and bestow'd it , ) which I have made use of for many Years with great Success , especially this last Year , wherein I have cur'd one Woman that had been marry'd twenty Years , and another that had been marry'd one and twenty Years , and two Women that had been three Times marry'd ; as I can make appear by the Testimonies of several Persons of London and Westminster , and other Places thereabouts . The Medicines I use , cleanse and strengthen the Womb , and are all to be taken in the Space of seven Days . And because I do not intend to deceive any Person , upon Discourse with them , I will tell them whether I am like to do them any Good . My usual Contract is , to receive one Half of what is agreed upon , when the Party shall be quick with Child , the other Half when she is brought to Bed .

Cures of this Kind I have done signal , and many ; for the which , I doubt not , but I have the good Wishes and hearty Prayers of many Families , who had else pin'd out their Days under the deplorable and reproachful Misfortunes of Barren Wombs , leaving plentiful Estates and Possessions to be inherited by Strangers .

As to Astrological Predictions , Physiognomy , Divination by Dreams , and otherwise , ( Palmistry , I have no Faith in , because there can be no Reason alledg'd for it , ) my own Experience has convinc'd me more of their considerable Effects , and marvellous Operations , chiefly in the Directions of future Proceedings , to the avoiding of Dangers that threaten , and laying hold of Advantages that might offer themselves ; I say , my own Practice has convinced me more than all the sage and wise Writings extant of those Matters ; for I might say this of myself , ( did it not look like Ostentation , ) that I have very seldom fail'd in my Predictions , and often been very serviceable in my Advice . How far I am capable in this Way , I am sure is not fit to be deliver'd in Print : Those who have no Opinion of the Truth of this Art , will not , I suppose , come to me about it ; such as have , I make no Question of giving them ample Satisfaction .

Nor will I be asham'd to set down here my Willingness to practice Rare Secrets , ( tho' somewhat collateral to my Profession ) for the Help , Conservation , and Augmentation of Beauty and Comeliness ; a Thing created at first by God , chiefly for the Glory of his own Name , and then for the better Establishment of mutual Love between Man and Woman ; for when God had bestow'd on Man the Power of Strength and Wisdom , and thereby render'd Woman liable to the Subjection of his absolute Will , it seem'd but requisite that she should be endued likewise , in Recompence , with some Quality that might beget in him Admiration of Her , and so enforce his Tenderness and Love .

The Knowledge of these Secrets , I gather'd in my Travels Abroad , ( where I have spent my Time , ever since I was fifteen Years old , to this my nine and twentieth Year ) in France and Italy . Those that have travell'd in Italy , will tell you to what a Miracle Art does there assist Nature in the Preservation of Beauty ; how Women of Forty bear the same Countenance with those of Fifteen : Ages are no ways distinguish'd by Faces ; whereas here in England , look a Horse in the Mouth , and a Woman in the Face , you presently know both their Ages to a Year . I will therefore give you such Remedies , that , without destroying your Complexion , ( as most of your Paints and Daubings do , ) shall render them purely Fair , clearing and preserving them from all Spots , Freckles , Heats , Pimples , and Marks of the Small-Pox , or any other accidental ones , so the Face be not seam'd or scar'd .

I will also cleanse and preserve your Teeth white and round as Pearls , fastening them that are loose : Your Gums shall be kept entire , as red as Coral ; your Lips of the same Colour , and soft as you could wish your lawful Kisses .

I will likewise administer that which shall cure the worst of Breaths , provided the Lungs be not totally perished and imposthumated ; as also certain and infallible Remedies for those whose Breaths are yet untainted ; so that nothing but either a very long Sickness , or Old-Age itself , shall ever be able to spoil them .

I will besides ( if it be desir'd ) take away from their Fatness who have overmuch , and add Flesh to those that want it , without the least Detriment to their Constitutions .

Now , should Galen himself look out of his Grave , and tell me these were Baubles below the Profession of a Physician , I would boldly answer him , That I take more Glory in preserving God's Image , in its unblemish'd Beauty , upon one good Face , than I should do in patching up all the decay'd Carcasses in the World .

They that will do me the Favour to come to me , shall be sure , from Three of the Clock in the Afternoon , till Eight at Night , at my Lodgings in Tower-Street next Door to the Sign of the Black Swan at a Goldsmith's House , to find

Their humble Servant , ALEXANDER BENDO .

Thesaurum & Talentum ne abscondas in Agro . JOSEPH HAINES 's SPEECH , High-German Doctor and Astrologer in Brandipolis . Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit .

WHO by the Blessing of Aesculapius , on his great Pains , Travels , and nocturnal Lucubrations , has attained to a greater Share of Knowledge than any Person before him was ever known to do .

Imprimis , Gentlemen , I present you with my Universal Solutive , or Cathartick Elixir , which corrects all the Cacochymick and Cachexical Diseases of the Intestines ; cures all internal and external Diseases , all vertiginous Vapours , Hydrocephalous Giddiness or Swimming of the Head , Epileptick Fits , Flowing of the Gall , Stoppage of Urine , Ulcers in the Womb and Bladder ; with many other Distempers , not hitherto distinguished by Name .

Secondly , My friendly Pill , call'd , The never-failing Heliogenes , being the Tincture of the Sun , and deriving Vigour , Influence and Dominion from the same Light ; it causes all Complexions to laugh or smile , even in the very Time of taking it ; which it effects , by dilating and expanding the Gelastick Muscles , first of all discovered by my self . It dulcifies the whole Mass of the Blood ; maintains its Circulation , reforms the Digestion of the Chylon , fortifies the Opthalmick Nerves , clears the Officina Intelligentiae , corrects the Exorbitancy of the Spleen , mundifies the Hypogastrium , comforts the Sphincter , and is an excellent Remedy against the Prosopo-Clorosis , or Green-Sickness , Sterility , and all Obstructions whatever . They operate seven several Ways , in order , as Nature herself requires ; for they scorn to be confin'd to any particular Way of Operation , viz. Hypnotically , by throwing the Party into a gentle Slumber ; Hydrotically , by their Operative Faculty , in opening the Interstitia Pororum ; Carthartically , by cleansing the Bowels of all Crudities and tartarous Mucilage , with which they abound ; Proppysinatically , by forcing the Wind downward ; Hydragogically , by exciting Urine ; Pneumatically , by exhilirating the Spirits ; and lastly , Synecdochically , by corroborating the whole Oeconomia Animalis . There are twenty or more in every Tin-Box , sealed with my Coat of Arms , which are , Three Glyster Pipes erect , Gules , in a Field , Argent ; my Crest , a bloody Hand out of a Mortar , Emergent ; and my Supporters , a Chymist and an Apothecary . This Tinctura Solaris , or most noble Off-spring of Hyperion's Golden Influence , wipes off abstersively all those tenacious , conglomerated , sedimental Sordes , that adhere to the Oesophagus and Viscera , extinguishes all supernatural Ferments and Ebullitions ; and in fine , annihilates all the nosotrophical or morbifick Ideas of the whole corporeal Compages .

Thirdly , My Panagion Outacousticon , or auricular Restorative : Were it possible to shew me a Man so deaf , that if a Demiculverin were to be let off under his Ear , he could not hear the Report , yet these infallible Drops , ( first invented by the two famous Physician Brothers , St. Cosmus and St. Damian , call'd the Anargyri in the ancient Greek Menologies ; and some forty Years ago , communicated to me by Anastasio Logotheti , a Greek Coloyr at Adrianople , when I was invited into those Parts to cure Sultan Mahomet IV. of an Elephantiasis in his Diaphragm ) he would recover his auditive Faculty , and hear as smartly as an old fumbling Priest , when a young Wench gives him account of her lost Maidenhead at the Confessional .

Fourthly , My Anodyne Spirit , excellent to ease Pain , when taken inwardly , and applied outwardly , excellent for any Lameness , Shrinking or Contraction of the Nerves ; for Eyes , Deafness , Pain and Noise in the Ears ; and all odontatalgick , as well as podagrical Inflammations .

Fifthly , My Antidotus Antivenerialis ; which effectually cures all Gonorrheas , Carnosities in the delinquent Part , Tumours , Phymosis , Paraphymosis , Chrystalline , Priapisms , Hemorrhoids , Cantillamata , Ragades , Bubos , Imposthumations , Carbuncles , genicular Nodes , and the like , without either Baths or Stoves as also without Mercury , so often destructive to the poor Patient , with that Privacy , that the nearest Relations shall not perceive it .

Sixthly , My pectoral Lozenges , or Balsam of Balsams , which effectually carries off all windy and tedious Coughs , spitting of Blood , Wheezing in the Larynx and Pthyalismus , let it be never so inveterate .

Seventhly , and lastly , My Pulvis Vermisugus , or Antevermatick Powder , brings up the Rear , so famous for killing and bringing away all sorts of Worms incident to human Bodies , breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum , and dissolving the phlegmatick Crudities that produce Anthropophagous Vermin . It has brought away , by Urine , Worms as long as the May-Pole in the Strand , when it flourish'd in its primitive Prolixity , though , I confess , not altogether so thick . In short , 't is a specifick Catholicon for the Cholick , expels Winds by Eructation , or otherwise ; accelerates Digestion , and creates an Appetite to a Miracle .

I dexterously couch the Cataract or Suffusion , extirpate Wens of the greatest Magnitude , close up Hair-Lips , whether treble or quadruple ; cure the Polipus upon the Nose , and all scrophulous Tumours , Cancers in the Breast , Noli me tangeris , St. Anthony's Fire , by my new invented Unguentum Antipyreticum , Excrescences , or superfluous Flesh in the Mouth of the Bladder or Womb ; likewise I take the Stone from Women or Maids without cutting .

I have Steel-Trusses , and Instruments of a new Invention , together with never-failing Medicines and Methods to cure Ruptures , and knit the Peritonaeum . And here I cannot forbear to communicate an useful Piece of Knowledge to the World , which is , that which the learned Villipandus , in his excellent Treatise , De congrubilitate materiae primae cum confessione Augustana . I take a Rupture to be a Relaxation of the natural Cavities , at the bottom of the cremaster Muscles . But this , en p●ssant , I forge all my self , nay , my very Machines for safe and easy drawing Teeth and obscure Stumps . Mrs. Littlehand , Midwife to the Princess of Phlegethon , can sufficiently inform the Women of my Helps , and what I do for the Disruption of the Fundament and Uterus , and other strange Infirmities of the Matrix , occasioned by the bearing of Children , violent Coughing , heavy Work , &c. which I challenge any Person in the Acherontick Dominions to perform but my self .

If any Woman be unwilling to speak to me , they may have the Conveniency of speaking to my Wife , who is expert in all feminine Distempers . She has an excellent Cosmetick Water , to carry off Freckles , Sun-burn , or Pimples ; and a curious red Pomatum to plump and colour the Lips . She can make red Hair as white as a Lilly ; she shapes the Eyebrows to a Miracle ; makes low Foreheads as high as you please ; has a never-failing Remedy for offensive Breaths , a famous Essence to correct the ill Scent of the Arm-pits , a rich Water that makes the Hair curl , a most delicate Paste to smooth and whiten the Hands ; also , A rare Secret that takes away all Warts , From the Face , Hands , Fingers , and Privy-Parts .

Those who are not able to come to me , let them send their Urine , especially that made after Mid-night , and on sight of it , I will tell them what their Distemper is , and whether curable , or no. Nay , let a Man be in never so perfect Health of Body , his Constitution never so vigorous and athletical , if he shews me his Water , I can as infallibly predict what Distemper will first attack him , though perhaps it will be thirty or forty Years hence , as an Astronomer by the Rules of his Science , can foretel Solar or Lunar Eclipses the Year before they happen . I have predicted miraculous Things by the Pulse , far above any Philosopher . By it , I not only discover the Circumstances of the Body , but if the Party be a Woman , I can foretel how many Husbands and Children she shall have ; if a Tradesman , whether his Wife will fortify his Forehead with Horns ; and so of the rest . This is not all , but I will engage to tell any serious Persons what their Business is on every radical Figure , before they speak one Word ; what has already happened to them from their very Infancy , down to the individual Hour of their consulting me ; what their present Circumstances are ; what will happen to them hereafter ; in what part of the Body they have Moles ; what Colour and Magnitude they are of ; and lastly , how profited , that is , whether they calminate Equinoctially or Horizontally upon the Mesogastrium ; from which Place alone , and no other , as the profound Trismegistus has observ'd before me , in his elaborate Treatise De erroribus Styli Gregoriani , all solid Conjectures are to be formed .

I have likewise attained to the green , golden , and black Dragon , known to none but Magicians and hermatick Philosophers ; I tell the Meaning of all magical Panticles , Sigils , Charms and Lameness , and have a Glass and Help to further Marriage ; and what is more , by my Lear●ing and great Travels , I have obtained the true and perfect Seed and Blossom of the Female Fern ; and infinitely improved that great Traveller Major John Coke's fomous Necklaces for breeding of Teeth . The Spring being already advanc'd , which is the properest Season for preventing new , and renewing old Distempers , neglect not this Opportunity —

My Hours are from Nine till Twelve in the Morning , and from Two in the Afternoon till Nine at Night , every Day in the Week , except on the real Christian Sabbath , called Saturday .

It may be of Use to keep this Advertisement .

The HARANGUE of ROBERT WILMORE . Gentlemen and Ladies ,

BEHOLD this little Viol , which contains in its narrow Bounds , what the whole Universe cannot purchase , if sold to its true Value : This admirable , this miraculous Elixir , drawn from the Hearts of Mandrakes , Phoenix Livers , and Tongues of Mairmaids , and distill'd by contracted Sun-Beams , has besides the unknown Virtue of curing all Distempers both of Mind and Body , that Divine one of animating the Heart of Man to that Degree , that however remiss , cold and cowardly by Nature , he shall become Vigorous and Brave . O stupid and insensible Man ! when Honour and secure Renown invites you , to treat it with Neglect , even when you need but passive Valour to become the Heroes of the Age ; receive a thousand Wounds , each of which would let out fleeting Life ; here 's that can snatch the parting Soul in its full Career , and bring it back to its native Mansion , baffles grim Death , and disappoints even Fate .

Gentlemen , If any of you here present was at Death's Door , here 's this , my Divine Elixir will give you Life again : This Will recover whole Fields of Slain , And all the Dead shall rise and fight again .

'T was this that made the Roman Legions numerous , , and now makes France so formidable ; and this alone may be the Occasion of the Loss of Germany .

Come , Gentlemen , buy this Coward 's Comfort , quickly buy : What Fop would be abus'd , mimick'd and scorn'd , for fear of Wounds that can be so easily cur'd ? Who is it would bear the Insolence and Pride of domineering great Men , proud Officers , or Magistrates ? Or who would cringe to Statesmen out of Fear ? What Cully would be cuckol'd ? What foolish Heir undone by cheating Gamesters ? What Lord would be Lampoon'd ? What Poet fear the Malice of his Satyrical Brother ? Or Atheist fear to fight for Fear of Death ? Come , buy my Coward 's Comfort , quickly buy .

Here , Gentlemen , is my little Paper of Powder , whose Value surmounts that of Rocks of Diamonds , and Hills of Gold : 'T was this made Venus a Goddess ; and given her by Apollo ; from her deriv'd to Hellen , and in the Sack of Troy lost , till recover'd by me out of some Ruins of Asia .

Come buy it , Ladies , you that wou'd be Fair and wear eternal Youth ; and you in whom the amorous Fire remains , when all the Charms are fled : You that dress Young and Gay , and would be thought so , that Patch and Paint , to fill up sometimes old Furrows on your Brows , and set your selves for Conquest , though in vain ; here 's that which will give you aubern Hair , white Teeth , red Lips , and Dimples on your Cheeks : Come , buy it all you that are past betwitching , and wou'd have handsome , young , and active Lovers .

Come all you City Wives that would advance your Husbands to be Lord-Mayors , come , buy of me new Beauty : This will give it though now decay'd , as are your Shop Commodities ; this will retrieve your Customers , and vend your false and out-of-fashion'd Wares : Cheat , lye , protest , and couzen as you please , a handsome Wife makes all a lawful Gain . Come , City Wives , come buy .

Here is my famous Bottle of Powder , this is the Life and Soul of Man : This is the Amorous Powder which Venus made and gave the God of Love , which made him first a Deity : You talk of Arrows , Bows , and killing Darts ; Fables , Poetical Fictions , and no more : 'T is this alone that wounds and fires the Heart , makes Women kind , and equals Men to Gods ; 't is this that makes your Great Lady doat on the ill-favour'd Fop ; your Great Man be jilted by his little Mistress ; the Judge cajol'd by his Sempstress , and your Politician by his Comedian ; your young Lady doat on her decrepid Husband ; your Chaplain on my Lady's Waiting-Woman , and the young Woman , and the Squire on the Laundry-Maid . In fine , Sirs , 'T is this that cures the Lover's Pain , And Celia of her cold Disdain .

I need say nothing of my Divine Baths of Reformation , nor the Wonders of the old Oracle of the Box , which resolves all Questions which sufficiently declare .

You that come to my Lodgings may have Advice Gratis : My Hours are from Eight to Twelve , and from Three to Six .

LOPUS 's HARANGUE at Madrid .

MOST illustrious Dons , and egregiously beautiful and Virtuous Madona 's , with the rest of my gentle Friends and Auditors : Behold your humble most officious Servant Lopus , arrived from the most ancient and stately City of Saragosa , on purpose to make a Present of the wonderful Effects of his Physical and Chymical Arts to your fair Acceptance , in this most glorious and courtly Town of Madrid .

I protest to you , Gentlemen , I and my Wife , with all my Servants , are not able to make of this precious Oil you see in this Glass , half so fast as it is fetch'd away from my Lodgings , by Gentlemen and others of this famous Town ; and sent for by many of the greatest Dukes and Condees of this much-celebrated Nation , some of which have detained me to their private and particular Use a while , since my Arrival , by their splendid Liberalities , and worthily ; for what avails it your Rich Man to have his Cellars stuffed with the purest Grape , and his Tables furnished with the rarest Variety of dainty Acetes , when his Physicians prescribe him ( on pain of Death ) to drink nothing but Watergruel , or over-stew'd Herbs in a thin heartless Broth ? O Health ! the Blessing of the Rich ! the Riches of the Poor ! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate , since they cannot enjoy any Happiness in this World without thee ?

Be not then so sparing of your Purses , honourable Gentlemen , as to abridge the natural Course of your Lives ; for when a humid Flux , or Catarrh , by the Mutability of the Air , falls from your Head into an Arm , or Shoulder , or any other Part , take you a Ducat or a Castilion of Gold , and apply it to the Place affected , and see what good it will do . No , no , it is this blessed Unguento , this rare Extraction , that only hath the Power to disperse all malignant Humours , from whatsoever ill-effected Causes they shall proceed .

It has Power to fortify the most indigest and crude Stomach in the World , though it be of one that ( through extreme Weakness ) vomits Blood , applying only a warm Napkin to the Place , after the Unction and Fricace : For the Vertigo in the Head , putting but a Drop into your Nostrils , likewise behind your Ears ; a most sovereign and approved Remedy ; the Mal Caduco , Cramps , Convulsions , Paralysies , Epilepsies , Tremor Cordis , retir'd and shrunk Nerves , evil Vapours of the Spleen , stopping of the Liver , the Stone , the Strangury , Hernia Ventosa , Iliaca Passio ; stops a Dysenteria , immediately easeth the Torsion of the small Guts ; and cures Melancholia Hypochondriaca , being taken and apply'd according to my printed Receipt ; for this is the Physician , this the Medicine , this counsels , this cures , this gives the Direction , this works the Effect , and , in sum , both together may be termed an Abstract of the Theorick and Practick in the Esculapian Art .

The Price is but four Ryals , that is the Price ; and less I know , in courtesy , you cannot offer me , take it or leave it ; howsoever , both I and it are at your Service . I ask you not near the Value of the Thing , for then I should ask you a thousand Ducats ; so several Grandees and Grandeza's have given me : But I despise Money , only to shew my Affection to you , Honourable Gentlemen , and this most inclyte Town . I have neglected the Messages of divers Princes and Nobles , and directed my Journey hither , only to present you with the Fruits of my Experience and Travels .

I have here likewise a most inestimable Vegetable , which is equally to be valued with my Oil , of both which , if I had but Time to discourse to you , the miraculous Effects , with the countless Catalogue of those I have cured of the aforesaid , and many more Diseases ; the Patents and Privileges of the most Catholick and Christian Kings , as also of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Christendom , or but the Depositions that have appeared on my Part , before the most learned College of Physicians , where I was authoriz'd , upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments , and my own Excellency in Matter of rare and unknown Secrets , to disperse them publickly for the common Good ; and though divers professed to have as good and experimented Receipts as my self ; and have assayed to make both of this Oil and Water , bestowed great Cost in Furnaces , Stills , Alembicks , continual Fires , and Preparation of Ingredients , ( as indeed there goes to each of them six hundred several Simples at least , ) yet they ever lost their Labour and Cost , both for Want of that large Talent of Knowledge , requisite to such a Work . For my self , I have always hunted after the most recondite Secrets ; and to get them I have spared no Rest or Labour , but taken indefatigable Pains therein ; insomuch , as Gentlemen , I will undertake ( by Virtue of Chymical Art , ) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head , to extract the four Elements , that is to say , Fire , Air , Water , and Earth , and return you the Felt without Burn or Stain ; for whilst others have been at the Balloo , I have been at my Book , and am now past the craggy Parts of Study , and come to the flow'ry Plains of Honour and Reputation .

Here is likewise a Powder concealed in this Paper , of which , if I should speak to the Worth , five thousand Volumes where but as one Page , that Page as a Line , that Line as a Word : So short is this Pilgrimage of Man , ( which some call Life , ) to the expressing of it ; or , if I would reflect upon the Price , why , the whole World were but as an Empire , that Empire as a Province , that Province as a Bank , that Bank as a private Purse , to the Purchase of it : I will only tell you , it is the very Powder that made Venus a Goddess , ( given her by Apollo , ) that kept her perpetually Young , cleared her Wrinkles , firmed her Gums , filled her Skin , colour'd her Hair ; from her deriv'd to Hellen , and at the Sack of Troy unfortunately lost , till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary , out of some Ruins of Asia , who sent a Moiety of it to the Court of France ; but much sophisticated ; the rest at this present remains with me , extracted to a Quintescence ; so that wherever it but touches in Youth , it perpetually preserves , in Age restores the Complexion , sets your Teeth as firm as a Wall , makes them white as Ivory , that were as black as Jet ; and with the Addition of a most wonderful Bath , of my own Preparation , it will tinct a grey Hair a pure Auburn , and make it grow so ; make you cast your old harsh Skin for one as fresh and smooth as Lada's , and so supple and quicken your Joints and Nerves , as but seldom using it , you shall ever enjoy your Juvenal Activities , Gusto's , and total Abilities , to the Admiration of all that formerly knew you .

Many other rare Effects there are of this Powder and Bath , too tedious to reckon in this Place ; but whosoever has a Mind to try them , if they please to repair to me at my Lodgings , shall be more particularly informed ; only this I shall add at this present : This Powder , has likewise a wonderful Variety of Amorous Effects belonging to it , which are not here to be enumerated ; and for my rare Oil , though I impart to the Rich for Money , I often Cure the Poor for God's sake .

And so God preserve his most Catholick Majesty .

The HARANGUE of the Famous SCOTO of Mantuano . Most noble Gout , and my worthy Patrons ,

IT may seem strange , that I , your Scoto Mantuano , who was ever wont to fix my Bank in Face of the publick Piazza , near the shelter of the Portico , to the Procuratia , should now ( after eight Months Absence from this illustrious City of Venice ) humbly retire my self into an obscure Nook of the Piazza .

Let me tell you , I am not ( as your Lombard Proverb saith ) cold on my Feet , or content to part with my Commodities at a cheaper rate , than I accustomed ; look not for it . Nor that the calumnious Reports of that impudent Detractor , and Shame to our Profession , ( Alessandro Buttone I mean , ) who gave out in publick , I was condemn'd a' Sforzato to the Galleys , for poisoning the Cardinal Bembo's — Cook , hath at all attacked , much less dejected me . No , no , worthy Gentlemen , ( to tell you true , ) I cannot endure to see the Rabble of these Ground Ciarlitani , that spread their Cloaks on the Pavement , as if they meant to do Feats of Activity , and then come in lamely with their mouldy Tales out of Boccacio , like stale Tabarine the Fabulist : Some of them discoursing their Travels , and of their tedious Captivity in the Turks Galleys , when indeed ( were the Truth known ) they were the Christian Galleys , where very temperately they eat Bread , and drunk Water as a wholsome Penance ( enjoin'd them by their Confessors ) for base Pilferies .

These Turdy , facy , nasty , petty , lousy , farcical Rogues , with one poor Groat's Worth of unprepar'd Antimony , finely wrapp'd up in several Scartoccio's , are able , very well to kill their twenty a Week , and play ; yet , these meager-starv'd Spirits , who have half stopp'd the Organs of their Minds with earthy Oppilations , want not their Favourers among your shrivel'd , sallad-eating Artizans ; who are overjoy'd , that they may have their Half-perth of Physick , though it purge 'em into another World , it makes no matter .

Well , let 'em go : And Gentlemen , honourable Gentlemen , know , that for this Time , our Bank , being thus remov'd from the Clamours of the Canaglia , shall be the Scene of Pleasure and Delight : For , I have nothing to sell , little or nothing to sell .

I protest , I , and my six Servants are not able to make of this precious Liquor , so fast as it is fetch'd away from my Lodging by Gentlemen of your City , Strangers of the Terrafirma , worshipful Merchants , ay , and Senators too , who ever since my arrival , have detained me to their Uses , by their splendidous Liberalities ; and worthily : For , what avails your rich Man to have his Magazines stuft with Moscadelly , or of the purest grape , when his Physicians prescribe him ( on Pain of Death ) to drink nothing but Water cocted with Aniseeds ? O , health ! health ! the Blessing of the Rich ! the Riches of the Poor ! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate , since there is no enjoying this World without thee : Be not then so sparing of your Purses , honourable Gentlemen , as to abridge the natural Course of Life . —

For , when a humid Flux , or Catarrh , by the Mutability of Air , falls from your Head into an Arm or Shoulder , or any other Part , take you a Ducat , or your Cecchine of Gold , and apply to the Place affected ; see , what good Effect it can work ? No , no , 't is this blessed Unguento , this rare Extraction , that hath only Power to disperse all malignant Humours , that proceed , either of hot , cold , moist , or windy Causes . —

To fortify the most indigest and crude Stomach , ay , were it of one that ( through extream Weakness ) vomited Blood , applying only a warm Napkin to the Place after the Unction and Fricace ; for the Vertigine in the Head , putting but a Drop into your Nostrils , likewise behind the Ears ; a most sovereign and approved Remedy : The Malcaduco , Cramps , Convulsions , Paralysies , Epilepsies , Tremor-Cordia , retired Nerves ; ill Vapours of the Spleen , Stopping of the Liver , the Stone , the Strangury , Hernia Ventosa , Iliaca Passio ; stops a Dysenteria immediately ; easeth the Torsion of the small Guts ; and cures Melancholia Hypocondriaca , being taken and applyed , according to my printed Receipt : Pointing to his Bill and his Glass . For , this is the Physician , this the Medicine ; this Counsels , this Cures ; this gives the Direction , this works the Effect : And ( in sum ) both together may be term'd an abstract of the Theorick and Practick in the Aesculapian Art . 'T will cost you eight Crowns . And , Zan Fritada , prithee sing a Verse extempore in Honour of it .

SONG . HAD old Hippocrates or Galen , ( That to their Books put Med'cines all in ) But known this Secret , they had never ( Of which they will be guilty ever ) Been murderers of so much Paper , Or wasted many a hurtless taper : No Indian Drug had e're been famed , Tobacco , Sassafras not named ; No yet , of Guacum one small stick , Sir , Nor Raymund Lullies great Elixir . Nor had been known the Danish Gonswart , Or Paracelsus , with his long Sword .

No more . Gentlemen , if I had but Time to discourse to you the miraculous Effects of this my Oil , sirnamed Oglio del Scoto , with the countless Catalogue of those I have cured of the aforesaid , and many more Diseases ; the Patents and Privileges of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Christendom ; or but the Depositions of those that appear'd on my Part before the Signiory of the Sanit● , and most learned College of Physicians , where I was authorized , upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments , and mine own Excellency in Matter of rare and unknown Secrets , not only to disperse them publickly in this famous City , but in all the Territories that happily joy under the Government of the most pious and magnificent States of Italy . But may some other gallant Fellow say , Oh! there be divers that make Profession to have as good and as experimented Receipts as yours : Indeed , very many have assay'd , like Apes , in Imitation of that which is really and essentially in me , to make of this Oil ; bestow'd great Cost in Furnaces , Stills , Alembicks , continual Fires , and Preparation of the Ingredients , ( as indeed there goes to it six hundred several Simples , besides some Quantity of human Fat , for the Conglutination , which we buy of the Anatomists ; ) but when these Practitioners come to the last Decoction , blow , blow , puff , puff , and all flies in Fumo ! Ha , ha , ha , poor Wretches ! I rather pity their Folly and Indiscretion , than their Loss of Time and Money ; for those may be recovered by Industry ; but to be a Fool born , is a Disease incurable . For myself , I always from my Youth have endeavour'd to get the rarest Secrets , and book them , either in Exchange , or for Money : I spared not Cost nor Labour , where any Thing was worthy to be learned . And Gentlemen , honourable Gentlemen , I will undertake ( by Virtue of Chymical Art , ) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head , to extract the four Elements , that is to say , the Fire , Air , Water , and Earth , and return you your Felt without Burn or Stain ; for whilst others have been at the Balloe , I have been at my Book , and am now past the craggy Parts of Study , and come to the flow'ry Plains of Honour and Reputation .

But to our Price : You all know ( honourable Gentlemen ) I never valued this Ampulla , or Villa , at less than eight Crowns , but for this Time I am content to be deprived of it for six ; six Crowns is the Price ; and less , in courtesy , I know you cannot offer me , take it or leave it ; howsoever , both it and I am at your Service . I ask you not as the Value of the Thing , for then I should demand of you a thousand Crowns ; so the Cardinals Montalto , Fernese , the Great Duke of Tuscany , my Gossip , with divers other Princes , have given me ; but I despise Money : Only to sh●w my Affection to you , honourable Gentlemen , and your illustrious State here , I have neglected the Messages of these Princes ; mine own Offices fram'd my Journey hither , only to present you with the Fruits of my Travels . Tune your Voices once more to the Touch of your Instruments , and give the honourable Assembly some delightful Recreations .

SONG . YOU that would last long , list to my Song , Make no more Coil , but buy of this Oil , Would you be ever fair and young , Stout of Teeth , and strong of Tongue ; Tart of Palate , quick of Ear ; Sharp of Sight , of Nestril clear ; Moist of Hand , and light of Foot ; ( Or I will come nearer to 't , ) Would you live free from all Diseases , Do the Act your Mistress pleases ; Yea fright all Aches from your Bones ; Here 's a Med'cine for the Nones .

Well , I am in a Humour ( at this Time ) to make a Present of the small Quantity my Coffer contains ; to the Rich in courtefy , and to the Poor for God's sake . Wherefore now mark ; I ask'd you six Crowns ; and six Crowns at other Times you have paid me : You shall not give me six Crowns , nor five , nor four , nor three , nor two , nor one , nor half a Ducat , no , nor a Muccinigo ; Sixpence it will cost you , or six hundred Pound : — Expect no lower Price ; for by the Banner of my Front , I will not bate a Bagatine ; that I will have only as a Pledge of your Loves , to carry something from amongst you , to shew I am not contemn'd by you . Therefore now toss your Handkerchiefs chearfully , chearfully ; and be advertized , that the first heroick Spirit that deigns to grace me with a Handkerchief , I will give it a little Remembrance of something beside , shall please it better than if I had presented it with a double Pistolet .

Lady , I kiss your Bounty ; Celia at the Window throws down her Handkerchief . and for this timely Grace you have done your poor Scoto of Mantua , I will return you over and above , my Oil , a Secret of that high and inestimable Nature , shall make you for ever enamour'd on that Minute , wherein your Eye first descended on so mean ( yet not altogether to be despised ) an Object . Here is a Powder concealed in this Paper , of which , if I should speak to the Worth , nine thousand Volumes where but as one Page , that Page as a Line , that Line as a Word : So short is this Pilgrimage of Man , ( which some call Life , ) to the expressing of it : Would I reflect upon the Price , why , the whole World were but as an Empire , that Empire as a Province , that Province as a Bank , that as a private Purse , to the Purchase of it : I will only tell you , it is the Powder that made Venus a Goddess , ( given her by Apollo , ) that kept her perpetually Young , cleared her Wrinkles , firmed her Gums , filled her Skin , colour'd her Hair ; from her deriv'd to Hellen , and at the Sack of Troy ( unfortunately ) lost , till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary out of some Ruins of Asia , who sent a Moiety of it to the Court of France , ( but much sophisticated , ) wherewith the Ladies there now colour their Hair ; the rest ( at this present ) remains with me , extracted to a Quintescence ; so that wherever it but touches in Youth , it perpetually preserves ; in Age restores the Complexion , seats your Teeth , did they dance like virginal Jacks , firm as a Wall , makes them white as Ivory that were black as —

FINIS .