AH ! Humphry what shall we do now ? we are utterly undone , our Trade is quite spoil'd , all the News is laid down : The Mercurys , the Intelligences , the Courants , the Loyal , and the Impartials , all 's gone , Vanished of a suddain ; Prithee what dost think of it ? we may now go Hang our selves .

Think ! I know not what to think , I 'le go and get some body to write our Lamentation , or make a Balad and set it to some Lamentable Tune , and Sing it my self ; Sure the People will buy it out of meer commiseration ; for we have serv'd them faithfully , trudg'd through thiek and thin , in Fair and Foul Weather , Rain and Snow , brought them News of all sorts and sizes , cut an dry'd , to their Doors , we had them ready for every Party , for the Torys what would please them , for the Whiggs what would Tickle them ; Loyalty , Treason , Truth , Lyes , Orthodox , Sedition , shuffl'd together for all Customers : well a day , and all this gone of a suddain .

They never think what we Poor Men shall do , to put us by our Lawful Vocations , getting our Penny hardly , by the waisting of Lungs , Sucking in the Foggy Air of November : Do they intend we shall full to Picking of Purses ?

That we did before , but it was in a lawful way : well , I say , would there were an Act for Licencing again , then for the half Crown charge we might cry again all sorts of Lyes with Authority . Well Friend Nick , I thought not to have seen this day : The Loyal Thompson is also fallen with the rest : I thought he might have held up , I have got many a Penny by him . Nay , the Papistical Pamphlets begin to Flagg : We have now no way left but to our Prayers , I say Nick to your Prayers , that the Pope and the Devil would put it into the Hearts of the Papists to beget another Plot ; that would do our business .

Nay that was well thought of , we have got sweetly by the late Popish Plot , it was a most certain income to us , and well improved . It is an ill Wind that blows no body good , it is good Fishing in troubled Waters ; but the longest day I see will have an end ; who ever suffer'd , we got a livelyhood , and therefore since it is Interest that Sways the World , I know not why we should not Pray to have a livelyhood , for truly Knaves and Fools being the most numerous , we got sweetly by them .

You say right Friend , for I never got any thing by a Wiseman in my Life ; I always went empty handed from their Doors . But what say you to a Presbyterian Plot .

Nay any Plot in the World , tho it were but a Plot of the Apprentices , or of the Butchers to burn the Pope , there would be Money got by it , the very name of a Plot would be a Revenue to us , let it be true or false .

We got well enough by the Presbyterian Plot , let me tell you , pro and Con , either side brought in the Penny . But they say they will not suffer the Pope to be Burnt any more .

Well if they but Hang him in Effigies , we shall have some three half penny Poet or other make a Coppy of Verses , or a Dialogue of it , and we shall get by it .

What think you of Inventing one among our selves of the great Turk , and the French King , they say they have a very great Plot in Hand against Christendome .

I like it well , provided we could bring this Plot into England ; can't we get two Friends to send to some of your out-Lyers to send us this Plot out of Holland , there would be Fools enough to believe and buy it , and we should be sure to get Money enough by it .

Why truly Friend Nicholas , I see you understand what s what , and you talke like many of our Coffee-house Statesmen ; any thing I say for an honest lively-hood . Are not you acquainted with some Familiar ?

Familiar ! Bless us ! What mean you : I have no Trade or Commerce with the Devil , I would not willingly give my Soul to Belzebub neither , nor go a Hauking after his Imps to get a Penny : I have some conscience Brother .

You mistake me , I mean acquainted with those that write Dialogues between the Pope and the Devil , and were so well acquainted with the Language of Hell ; why all their words smelt of Brimstone , and they were as Familiar with Lucifer , as if they had-been his Secretaries , for a matter of Eighteen Pence , one of these Familiars would write us a Dialogue and discover all the Intreagues of the Cabal both of Hell and Rome , and raise up the Ghost of some new Hellish Plot that would get us Mony .

If that be it you mean , I am for you , I know a certain Ragamuffin-that lives by knawing of Mouldy Cheese like a Ratt , and he may be dealt with on that occasion .

And he shall be our great Apollo .

But Friend Humphry , may I ask you without offence , what Religon you are of .

Religion ! I am of the Religion that most Men are of , the Religion that 's uppermost : Interest and Gain ; do'st not thou see it plainly the Religion of wiser Men than we are ? what do'st talke so Ridiculously of Conscience or Religion ; is it for us to busie our selves with those matters ? they are beyond our comprehension : Let us doe as others doe , be of all Religions , of every Faction , and really of none , for when gain fails , there lies both Religion and Faction too in the Dirt , they shrink their Necks out of the Yoak , and seek to save their Bacon . What 's become of the Crouds that use to fill the Coffee-houses ? our Trade began to dwindle before this great downfall , it was but a bad Omen .

You speak profoundly , see what it is to converse with Men . Well , I never was of any Faction in my Life , of no Party , Church or Religion , but I knew my Customers : Here Sir said I , here is a most excellent Tory Song , a most Rare Dialogue between two Parters , of the little Man you wot of : Here is a spick and span New Coppy of Verses Hot out of Thompsons Press , concerning the Whiggs Plot : Here is a Pipeing Hot peace of Tory Loyalty ; and here is a secret Pamphlet with a Vizard on 't , wrote by a Jesuite : Then to another Customer , out of my other Budget , Oh Sir , here is an Impartial Intelligence , great News of a New Plot at Rome : Here is a no Presbyterian Plot Printed in Cornhil : Here is Dick J — News ; here is a Pacquet , and a witty Courant . Here is my Lord — Vindication , the Noble Peers Speech . Here is a little Pamphlet full of Loyalty and Treason , keep that secret , it comes by the Penny-Post , come Sir quickly , I am in hast , my Fellows will be before me and spoil my Market . O. Hump . These were Golden days , but they are gone , and nothing now must be fold but Loyalty .

Pray therefore good Nick for another Plot , for we shall starve by Truth and Loyalty . Alas ! the L — Gazet I am afraid won't find us Bread and Cheese . I say we have got more by the Pope and the Devil , than ever we shall get by all the Loyalty in Christendome , and so farewell .