I Am brought here before you , under the Accusation of being a most wicked and heinous Malefactor ▪ Impudence , Whoredom , and Murder , were the Crimes that those Gotham Witnesses , out of their great love to Vertue , and Justice , right or wrong , think it their business , and are not a little proud of the Office to lay upon me . I should be much out of Countenance , were my Guilt equal to their Folly . For , first as to Murder ; What can with any shew of reason be objected against me ? Am I to answer for it , if a Man Dyes in my Company ? It is not our Parts Gentlemen to keep men from Death and make them Immortal ; that is in their Persons , our business indeed is to make them so another way , that is , in their Posterity ; and pray when have I fail'd of that as often as it lay in my way , or , I had any opportunity ? Besides , what should I have got by dispatching him ? What do I come into Possession of , What has he left me ? I have indeed some Letters where he gives me his Heart , but as to Lands and Tenements , Estate Real , or Personal , there 's not a Syllable . But the very Circumstances that accompanyed , and were indeed the true cause of this Tragedy do sufficiently acquit me . Consider , I pray , he had been drinking before he came to me . I was no Doctor of Physick , nor had any Cordial , or Antidote by me , powerful enough to cure a man of a Pottle of Brandy : besides , you can't but remember how violent hot weather it then was . Heaven burnt the Brandy within him : It was the Dog-days ; and if the Dog then reigned was that the Bitches , fault ? I was willing I confess to stay and accompany him , That he might drink no more ; for I know you Men when you are a little warm , if no discreet body be with you , to perswade and keep you from it , you think you never have enough ; and then what mischief are you not exposed both to do and suffer ? You Quarrel and Fight one with another ; somebody's Head's broke , or goes formost down Stairs : then the Windows in the Street goe to wrack for not being Wine-glasses ; and the Watch must be Hectored for kindly offering to lead you when you can nether goe nor stand . The noise and Tumult increases ; the Multitude flock about to Gape at the Bustle togeather : Then must the Posse Comitatious come hurrying to see whether it ware a Plot , or Pot at Midnight that caused this Uproare : besides , how many suites and Actions are daily brought before you by the Vintner , by the Constable , the Shop keeper , nay , by the common Injur'd Passenger in the streetes by reason of these Extravagancys . I kept close to him to prevent all this . I sav'd , our Gardian Angells of Horse from Hunting in the Dark to find their Bridles , and Girts ; and those of the long Pole and Halbard from being call'd away to Aid and Assist before their Drink was out : I eas'd your selves from Hearing , And being pressed with so many Brangles , nay saved the poor Deceased tho not from the hard Fate he met with in Bed : yet from that which he had elfe met with of having no Bed at all . And what could his own Wife have done more had she been present ? She no doubt is sensible how much she is beholding to me ; and I shall have her Thanks as well as I had her Place ; for , I was neither Coy nor Careless ; and the worst that Malice it self can say of me , is but that I perform'd her part to him in every thing . And now for this , by a company of Sniveling , and Officious Smell-Smocks I am Indicted , and brought my self to be the Sacrifice .

As to the other part of my Accusation , which intimates that I was his Whore ; my Accusers take little notice , and their Hearts are too narrow to conceive what might be : and were , my Generous Intentions : but in Bed with the Gentleman I was ; and the Bed also ; I percieve , makes Oath against me . I confess , when a Bed Speakes there 's no Denying ; an able Modern Civilian has determined the Question , 't is Legal Evidence . Why truly Gentlemen , the Bed , if it would speak its Conscience , well knows that I lay there as Chaste as any Vestal Virgin : & for the Gentleman , from the very Moment that I with much ado toss'd him into it , he lay as Dead as any Log ; you could not have known him from one of the Bed-Posts , but that he lay in the Middle . How could it otherwise be ? I know your Worthinesses know what belongs to Drinking . Can any of this good Comyany brag of Complementing their Wives , when they come Home in my departed Friends Condition ? 't is spoken as a Jeer to me sure , not as an Accusation , that I had so decrepit and sorry a Bed-fellow . Upon my Reputation , 8 s . and 6 d . he had in his Belly , in Aquae Mirabilis , and Cherry-Brandy , that he had drank by himself all alone , before ever he set Foot within my Threshold . But you will say , Why did I then at all admit him in ? Alas ! it was extream late ; I saw that Wine , and Oriental , or hot Weather had much prevailed upon him . Would you have had me let him go away at that Time , and Pickle , to be Robb'd or Knock'd on the Head ? no truly ; I rather thought it was any Honest Womans Duty to perswade him to Stay ; nay , and I was fain to make use of my Wits too to do it : for , what Arguments were to be used to a Drunken-Man ? Should I have told him it was Late and Dangerous , he would have scorned I should so far have questioned his Courage , and then nothing would have held him . So I was fain to Study , not what was most Reasonable and Modest , but what was likeliest to Take and Prevail with his Humour under those Circumstances . So with ( I must needs say ) some Blushes , I told him , if he would stay he should lye in my Bed , and I would be his Bed fellow . Did you ever observe ●hen a Porridge-pot Boyls over upon too quick a Fire , if the Maid makes hast to pour in a little cold Water , how soon it is C●lmed ; just so was he . In short , I pull'd off his Cloaths . I Air'd h●m a Cap , and to Bed I got him . Now I Appeal to your se●ves , whether I did not act like a Parliament , more than lik● a Baudy-House , in endeavouring so far to provide for the Good and Welfare of the meanest Subject ? And whether this Harangue of mine , savoured of being Impudent , and were not rather meer Rhetorique and Eloquence ?

But you will say , what need I have gone into the Bed to him still ? Gentlemen , if you did not live in so Civiliz'd a Country as ours , or had never heard of acts of Humanity , and Goodness , I should not at all Wonder at your Question . Dont you apprehend that this poor Gentleman not being himself , was first no Man , Secondly , Alas ! he was not able to Speak , nor Stand , nor Look ; his Colour was quite gone , his Hands Trembled , two or three Vomitings , little or nothing Eased him ; he had not Strength to bring up more ; his Fore-head was all under a cold Sweat . This was a fine time indeed for a Woman to desire his company for a Bed-felliw : I became therefore so Kind to him , out of Mortification , not out of Wantonness . I fore-Considered what might befall him in the Night , if he grew Colder and Colder , and were alone ; I had often seen the sad Experience . I made my Prognostick , I judg'd Warmth and Company , could only relieve him : so I put off Preciseness with my Peticoat , and went to Bed to him , as his Nurs-keeper , not as his Wench . Had he indeed been amongst Light Women , they would have cried Hang him , let him goe , has he any Money in his Poket ? But I preferr'd Charity , and the saving of his Life , before even the hazard of my own Reputation ; and nobly I think wav'd , regarding the Gloss and Letter of the Law , that I might fulfill the Intent and Morality of it ; which is not the preserving our Fames , from the Tongues of Hypocrits , and Tittle tattle , but of the Lives and Well-being of your Illustrious Comrades , Man-kind And who does not rather Envy him than Blame me , for my so Pious Condescension ? And would not some of you be Sick your selves on purpose , if you were but sure you should be so well Tended ?

Your Worthinesses I hope are satisfied , that I was neithe● any way accessary to his Death , nor could be so Dull as p hope to be unchast , with such a Carkass . It remains now , ony to shew your own great Judgment and Uprightness , upon undestanding this most true Narrative and Representation of the Mtter . Neither am I concerned only for my self , but having so reasonable an Opportunity , I crave leave to say a Word or wo in behalf of such other Damsels , as are , or may be my Fellow Sufferers , for the like Kindness . There are many Pretty Women , ( who are some Relations to me at a Distance ) that are Morningly sent to the Round-House , New-Prison , Bridewell , and such horrid Places , for only doing over Night as if they were Married with some of your Worthinesses own Sex . Truly I am much afflicted at it : If Marriage be Honourable , pray why not the Imitation of it so too ? The Threatre , where you Daily flock in throngs , afford no real Princesses nor Heroes , yet are the Players , ( who are neither better nor worse then our selves ) admired and extoll'd by you , for acting so like them . Now we play Marriage ; that 's all : why then are we alone Discountenanced ? But suppose it be a Fault , ought not then both Parties alike to Suffer ? else 't is but the shew and shaddow of Justice , not the Substance ; this is but acting of her : for doth any Woman lye with a Man , and not at the same time a Man lye with a Woman ? But where are the Men that are beating of Hemp , for this ? Where are the Men that are led by Constables and Beadles , through the Streets in Triumph ? Where are the Work-houses , that they are Feasting upon Bread and Water in ? and where may we peep and flear through Prison Grates at them ? No , they are no more touched , than if every Whore-master were a Justice himself . And yet we poor Souls too least deserve this Rigor . The Men are Principles , and we but Accessories at most , even in cases of our own failings , and Weakness : for are not the Men the first Aggressors ? Don't they preach Guineys , Love , Wine , and all that 's possible ; Haunt , pursue , and watch us like unreclaimed Hawks , till they have turn'd us into being the prey ? Yet we must be blamed , 't is our faults ; the Receiver you say makes the Thief : as if the Honey-pot , made the Wasps and Hornets that flock about it : or as if a Court of Admirality , should adjudge a Prize to be the Pyrate . O Times ! O Manners ! O Airrea ! whether art thou Fled ?

But still , what good is there like to be done by Punishing only us ? Will the Men become Saints by your making Women Martyrs ? Do you think to Reforme the Age by Imitating that Politique Knight Sir Hudibras , who would wear but one Spur , because for 100th he presum'd if he could but make his Jade go on one side , the tother , would not hang — a behind ? Thus you will rather be Jockeys then Judges , and Reformation will go on as much as My Horse . No , most Philosophick Sages , This will never do ; this is not the right Course : the Sympathy betwixt us is at an end as soon as we are out of their Arms. There 's no further Motion by Consent of parts ; nor , do they Pace to Church at the same time we are Spur'd and Ambling to Bridewell : but , if you would have us to be in earnest Righteous , Begin with the men , whip them first . Or ( which I fear you had rather be whip't your Selves then do ; nor , to speak truth , do we desire it ) Give them a Good Example .

But I will not be longer Tedious to so Apprehensive and Judicious an Auditory : I see the marks of a generous Resentment sit already upon your Fore-Heads ; go on then , most worthy Patriots , to be more Impartial in your Censures : Pity at least those whom you pretend to adore ; and if you can't afford us Love , allow us Justice . Justice indeed her self , you know is Blind : Now if you can't attain to her Perfection , yet at least , Wink a little , and become as like her as you can ; and henceforth , either wholly acquit us , which will be most Great and Manly , or Alien not part of your Native Country , by turning Bridewell into a Region of Amazons , and deprive us of our Loves Society there , where both they best deserve Ours , and we have most need of their Company and Comfort . So shall all such publick Spirited Virgins as my self , not Sing , but kiss your Praises . The Men shall fear , and the Women shall Hug you , and shall be called by the Sex that cannot Flatter , The Chancellors of Nature , the Fathers-in-Law of your Country , and the Patrons of the Fair , the Credulous , and the Faithful .