AND are these all the Diversions this Town affords ?

O no , there are an hundred other things , that pass with the same stamp upon 'em ; Men are become as fantastical in their Pleasures as their Devotions ; we are now a-days grown nice and speculative : Every Man is for abstracting something or other , peculiar to his own Humour , which he varnishes over with the Name of Pleasure , tho' it be in it self never so uncouth and ridiculous : You shall have some whose chief delight lies in reading a Play , with a good Grace , to my Lady , after Dinner , passing a Complement or two upon her Daughter ; or , in their absence , sporting with her Lap-dog , perhaps the more sociable Creature of the two .

These , it may be , are old Fools , sunk beneath the taste of more refined Pleasures , and by Age rendred unfit for any thing else .

No , Faith , lusty young Fellows , with brawny backs , and full faces , design'd by Nature for nobler ends , but bebauch'd in the very Cradle ; their Mothers made Fools of 'em whilst they are young , and they make Fools of themselves ever after .

But don't these Fools consider in the mean time , how unjust they are both to themselves and their Country ? Can they lye so securely at home , whilst all the Youth of Europe are in Arms , and not be rows'd by the neighbouring War , which roars so loud it almost shakes their Houses ?

Why , Faith , Ned , the grave Men may talk to 'em of such things , but they have more Wit to believe 'em ; 't is for Men of broken and desperate Fortunes , that have nothing to do in this World , to bid up for the next ; why , an unthinking Canon-bullet may come , and strike our young Hero over the face , and then farewell 1500 a-year .

And yet our Fathers , Bellfont , who knew the worth of Life as well as we , in foreign Fields , chose rather to spend their days , than sleep in lazy Peace at home , when the English Valour singly cou'd oppose the growing Greatness of our haughty Neighbours , and make 'em bend beneath our stronger Virtue .

Ay , ay , there have been those days , when a scar or two were thought as necessary to compleat a Man's Physiogmony , as a beard ; but that was before patches came in fashion . Our Fathers were rude , ill-bred fellows , Ned , of Souls as ill-fashion'd as their Cloaths , that knew not how to put a right value upon Life , because not sweeten'd with those softer Pleasures , which we their famous Off-spring , the bold Adventures of this happier Age , dar'd first discover .

Pleasures indeed ; but , O how much they 've cost us ! Our Fame and Virtue given in exchange , may make us curse the Purchase ; but hang 'em , let 's leave 'em to their own Folly and Repentance : And , prithee , tell me , Bellfont , I hope some Men of Sense are still to be found ; for if the Town is composed of such as these , I had best back to Flanders again ; 't will be more troublesome to me , than Winter-Quarters in an Enemy's Country .

No , Faith , never think of Flanders , so long as there is good Wine , good Friends , and handsome Whores to be had ; for as for the honest Women , as our Friend Willmot saith , they are not worth our thoughts .

For shame , Harry , what , talk of Whores so early in the morning ? See if Fairly doth not blush at it . Hark you , Ned , if you wear those looks always , you 'll never rise to any higher service with the Women , than holding their Fans , or , perhaps , buckling their Shoes upon occasion . Throw aside that stiff Spanish Gravity , and appear like thy Self , brisk , gay , and witty , as Nature has design'd thee , and do not wrong thy Youth thus .

All in good time , Frank , all in good time ; two or three more of thy loose wanton humour wou'd turn the World upside down .

With all my heart , I long to see th' other side of it , this is so crowded with Knaves and Fools , that there is hardly any room left for Men of Sense to stir in .

I find , indeed , Frank , my Landlady has drawn thee to the Life , in her Character she hath given me of thee .

Damn her , old Jezebell , she has been corrupting her Neece with some of her grave Instructions too , she 'd never be so reserv'd else ; I have ever-minded it , those envious old Devils , who are damn'd by Age to an insensibility of Pleasure themselves , are always for disappointing it in others . But —

But what , Mr. Willmot ? I have heard you , your wicked devices will fall upon your own head .

Dear Landlady , how does thy leathern face this morning ? Let me kiss thee .

Stand off , you rude Man , I wonder you are not ashamed to appear in my house ; as I am honest , Gentlemen , he is e'en a Termagent , my Maids tremble at the very sight of him ; if he comes within twenty yards of the house , they are unfit for business three hours after . Stand off , I say ; if he goes on at this rate , my own Person won't be secure ; but , Sir , have a care , there is Law to be had against Ravishers .

Alas , alas ! five and fifty will secure thy Person , old Eve , better than all the Laws in the Land ; but if thou would'st beget a good Understanding betwixt me and thy pretty Neece , I shou'd not care much if I held up my hand in all the Courts in England .

Out , you Beast ! wou'd you have me turn Bawd at last ?

Why not , you old Fool ? Thou art good for nothing else . I can't imagine why they , who are thrust off the Stage of Pleasure themselves , shou'd not be assisting to those that are upon it , and so promote the good Work , tho' they can't be Actors in it .

You hear him , Gentlemen ; but 't is no matter , ease and plenty have made him wanton , he 'll be of another mind one day . There , Sir , [ To Willmot ] there 's a Letter for you , I undertook to deliver it , though you do not deserve so much from me .

Why , did not I tell you , Gentlemen , she 'd make an excellent Bawd , she 's Mistress of one branch of the Faculty already : Look here , she has a good hand at Conveyances . Here , old Sybil , read it thy self .

I will so , if I have my eyes about me . Let me see , How 's this !

Which thou shalt most assuredly have , my dear Embassadress . Well , what Gratuity , ha ! a new Gown , Scarf , or a Suit of Linen ? Come , prithee tell me which would'st thou have ? Or now I think of it , a new Sett of Teeth wou'd do better than any thing .

Stand off , Sir , and don't provoke me , I 'd have you to know I 'm a Gentlewoman ; my Husband , God bless him , if he had liv'd , might have been an Alderman e'er now , and I to do this . No , Sir , I received it of the Instrument , as you call him , this morning ; he thought you had still lodg'd here ; but you shall receive the next your self for me ; and as for your Pimp , if I catch him again , I 'll take order that my Maids shall give him the Encouragement he deserves ; a young Rogue , that has scarce wip'd his Mother's Milk off his Chaps , and he to turn the Devil's Solicitor ! Lord ! Lord ! what will this World come to !

No more Reflections , good Beldame ; but lay your hand upon your heart , and tell me , if your business was never manag'd by such a Lawyer ; remember my Lord Goodland's Page , that was to cry , Hem ! if any one appear'd : Come , come , these Gentlemen shall know all .

I defie thee , and all thy Malice , thou wicked Slanderer , though by day and night I 'll be even with you , or I 'll be the Table-talk of the whole Town .

Nay , don't be angry , good Landlady , but let us come to the business ; prithee document thy Neece a little better , she is young and giddy I confess , but must needs hearken to thee , both as thou art an old Woman , and her Aunt ; if thou wilt but bring the business about , thou know'st my meaning —

No , no , good Devil , keep off , I shall sacrifice none of my Flesh and Blood to you .

None of thine ! I want it not ; 't is for Flavia I pine , and languish ; and if thou hast no Compassion on me , I shall die out-right .

Why , Faith , the sooner the better ; for I know no remedy .

Well then , since thou art so inexorable , I proclaim open War against thee ; thou shalt not have a Monkey left to play with a-days , or a Lap-dog to sport with a-nights ; not an old Beaux to hand thee to Church , or bow to thee in the Play-house ; I 'll watch thee as narrowly as thy old Husband ever did ; if any one offers thee the least Civility , I 'll challenge him ; and if he dares refuse the Combat , post him up for a Coward ; till by degrees I have so exercised thee , that thou fallest sick of the yellow Jaundice , and at last dy'st in Bedlam : What say'st thou , wilt thou compound yet ?

No , I 'll the first ; but , to be even with you , may the hot desires of boiling Youth , and the impotence of old Age , be your continual Plagues ; may all your Mistresses be kind , but want the blessings of Opportunity to yield themselves up to you ; may some unexpected Accident still cross your Expectations at the very point of Enjoyment ; may all your Wishes be as eager , as your Endeavours vain ; and , to allay the Fires your amorous hopes have kindled , may you fly to some old Weatherbeaten Sinner , that may corrupt your Body , and blast your Reputation ; may you in the heighth of Youth drop into the Diseases of old Age , and at last die in an Hospital , and so farewell ; for I will have my Revenge .

Ha , ha , ha , ha ; Faith , Willmot , I believe it is the wisest way to be reconcil'd ; for whatever you think of Flavia , shou'd she spoil your Designs upon Clarinda , I believe a little from that side wou'd sensibly touch you .

Very honourable indeed , when in the heighth of your Courtship you are upon a double Scent : True Love is like real Friendship , it can admit but of one Object ; for otherwise it loses its name , and becomes meer Flattery and Ostentation .

Nay , hold there , Ned , I grant you a Man can take but one , for better for worse ; but where there is a full stock of Love , others surely may put in for the overflowings : T is true , none but the elder Son shou d lay lay claim to the Inheritance , and yet the younger may reasonably expect some , by Gifts and Legacies .

And you , I fear , are for disposing of so many , that your main Estate will be scarce responsible .

Then I 'll call in my Friends to my assistance ; but of this we 'll discourse more over a Glass of Wine at my Lord Goodland's , and the two young Ladies shall judge of our performances . What think you , Fairly ? Will you submit yourself to Marina's Judgment ?

Yes , if I cou'd but hope she thought as favourably of me , as I do of her ; but I hear our English Ladies have thrown off that freedom and openness of humour they have been so celebrated for , and are become too nice and reserved , even to affectation .

And yet that reservedness you seem to condemn in our Ladies , it is no more than necessary . We begin to use more severity towards them than the very Spaniard ; he by his restraint secures 'em from the worst of Vices , we expose and mis-represent the very best of their Vertues ; nay , the noblest of the whole Sex have been sometimes stigmatized in a Lampoon for that very Action which deserv'd a Panegyrick .

I thought those Lampooners Province lay on the other side ; does the whole Town afford 'em such thin Diet , that they are forc'd to prey upon Vertue to satisfie their ravenous Appetite ?

O damn 'em for ill-bred Curs , that love to leave the lawful Scent , and fall soul on forbidden Game ; sullen mischievous Beasts , that have nothing of Satyrs in 'em , but the deformity , that by a strange Art of Chymistry , can change the purest of Gold into the basest of Metals , and draw the rankest Poisons out of the wholesomest Herbs .

Why , as ill a Character as you have given of these People , Bellfont , Sir Arthur within thinks it no diminution to his Honour to be reckon'd in the number .

Nay , I must confess he has ill Nature enough to entitle him to it .

And as he thinks , Wit .

A little will qualifie him .

You two are always quarelling I find , Willmot

O , he must be kept at some distance , or he 'd grow too sawcy and familiar .

And I believe him equally ridiculous to both ; these make choice of him for their Prey , and th'other for their Mirth : He is a Glove for both hands .

And yet handsome on neither ; a Fool that will be frequently thrusting himself into good Company , tho' he is sure to spoil it ; next to his Uncle Sir Simon , I believe him the most extraordinary Person this Town can afford .

That is indeed a Master-piece , an Ideot that is mightily affronted he is not rais'd up to the Nobility ; nay , so extravagantly vain and supercilious , that he thinks it infinitely beneath his Quality so much as to look upon any one under the Title of Lord .

Very fond of his Wife I hear .

And withal very jealous .

You know best with what Reason , Willmot ; for I hear whatever Opinion he may have of a Plebeian , she hath no very mean one of you .

Why , truly she is so prudent , as not to esteem Men according to the airy trifles of Fortune , but the more substantial gifts of Nature .

And to show her Judgment , has fix'd on your Person as the Object of her Favour .

I must confess we have frequently spent some hours together , and , I believe , to both our satisfactions .

Nay , to your credit be it spoken , I hear she has almost quench'd that thirst after variety , that wandring inconstant humour , you have been hitherto so famous for . Prithee , what has she about her entertains thee so long ?

Why , I esteem her much for the same reason some People love a Cat or Monkey , because they are mischievous : She has a sort of ill-natur'd Wit in her , that you will be forc'd to admire , tho' you are sure to suffer under it : She has learn'd her Master Ovid's Lesson most exactly ; for she 'll always sharpen the Appetite by some unlucky contrivance or other , that shall be sure to bawk your Expectation for the present , and send you back more eager in your Wishes than you came ; so that by that time she is pleased to give her self into your Arms , you come fir'd with double Vigour , and shall find new Charms that are more engaging , because seemingly reap'd in danger .

Perhaps he hears that Willmot is with thee ; and therefore cares not to appear . What was the ground of your Quarrel last Night , Frank ? I found you mighty high .

The Fool wou'd needs pretend to have been something too familiar with a Lady of my Acquaintance I met with in the Play-house , and give the Company an account of the Time when and where ; when , to my own Knowledge , she has scarce been in London four Days ; and I am sure never saw it before in her life .

What wont such vain Fops affirm ! But , hold ; I believe I hear him coming . Prithee , Frank , do thou withdraw a little ; for I fear he 'll not come in , if he sees thee here .

I will so . But try to bring in the Subject of our Quarrel in your Discourse , if you can : We shall hear if he is in the same Humour now , he was in last Night .

Landlady , good-morrow : Is Ned Fairly within ?

Yes , Sir Arthur ; he 's in the Dining-Room .

Here he comes : Fox , to the Hole . Sir Arthur , good-morrow : I thought a Man addicted to Study like your self , cou'd not have lain , with patience , so long in Bed .

Why faith , Ned , the Fumes of last Night's Wine have rais'd Foggs in my Brain this Morning . But where do you dine to day ?

Where I hope we shall have your good Company : It is my Lord Goodland's Birth-day , which I hear he celebrates most Nobly : You are invited , Sir Arthur , amongst the rest .

Faith I 'm sorry I can't be there ; I made a Promise to a Lady , that was mighty importunate with me last night , to bring two or three of my new Songs , and dine with her to day : But I may come and take a Glass after Dinner .

You 'll oblige the Company , Sir Arthur . But what , may I be so bold as to ask who this Lady is ? The same , I sansie , Willmot was so uncivil as to quarrel with you about last night .

The very same , Ned : But was there ever such an unmannerly Puppy , to tell me to my Face the Lady was a Stranger to me , when I 'm sure we have been familiarly acquainted these twelve Months !

And yet he positively affirms she never saw London 'till within these four Days .

Wilmot is a Rascal , and they are all Fools that hearken to him : Had I thought he wou'd have answer'd me , I had challeng'd him ; but I know him a Coward , and think him beneath my Anger .

Honour , Sir ! What mean you ? Not so much as Sir Arthur Stately , I hope : And as for a Sword , mine's as good a Blade as his can be .

I doubt it not ; and in as good Hands , that can manage it as cleanly .

Clean , Sir ? I confess I have not wash'd 'em to day : But what 's that to you ? Had you nothing else to observe ? I hate those Men that still expose the Failings of their Friends , but bury their Vertues in silence .

Ha , ha , ha ! Do you take me for your Nurse , Sir Arthur , to mind whether your Face is clean every morning ? tho' , I confess , you wou'd do well to keep a Valet for the purpose .

Come , come , no more of that , Harry ; when Sir Arthur has time to consider , he 'll be of your Mind ; 'till then , we 'll leave him to the pursuit of his Pleasures , and with him success amongst the Ladies .

Success ! he deserves it not ; and 't is impossible he shou'd obtain it : She that can grant him a Court'sie , will hardly deny one to the Devil . Were I a Woman , I shou'd take a Black-moor for an Angel to him .

Malice , by Hell ! meer Malice , and Repining at my good Parts ! And yet know , Sir , there are Ladies in Town bright as the Day , and sweeter than the Morning , that dare be familiar with my Person , in a better Place than I shall name at present , whilst you are consuming your Wits in a dull rhiming Ditty , Sir , below , and tuning it to your lamentable squeaking Cats-guts : And so I leave you ; for know , I scorn you more than you envy me .

re-entring . ] Hold , good Sir Arthur ; pray hear me a Word first before you go .

The Devil ! Willmot here ! Nay then — But hang him , they dare not in Honour let him draw upon me ; besides , my Uncle may be call'd upon occasion ( Aside . ) Well , Sir , what have you to say ?

You are design'd for the Lady this Morning , I hear ?

A plague take him : Upon that String still ! And what then , Sir ?

My Love , Sir , that 's all ; and withal tell her from me , Since Nature work'd so very violenty in her , as to force her to sacrifice her Honour to her Inclinations , she cou'd not have pick'd out a fitter Person than the Worthy Sir Arthur Stately .

O Sir , your Servant . What means he ?

The Mirrour of Knighthood ! All this while Sir Arthur is endeavouring to get from 'em , but they detain him .

And Top-Gallant of Generosity !

That Pyramid of Learning !

And Monster of Good-nature !

The Glory of the Young !

And Envy of the Old !

None at all , Sir , I vow to Gad : 'Pray' , Sir , excuse me .

You shall have Justice . First , for his outside , that compleat shape .

And sprightly Air .

That rising Nose .

And radiant Eyes .

That graceful Front .

And ruddy Cheeks .

Those Milk-white Teeth —

And pouting Lips .

Ha , ha , ha .

Hold Sir , I 've a Sword .

Lock it up , you 'll lose it else .

And shall —

Pick your Teeth with it ?

Run you through the Guts .

Dare you use it ?

Wou'd I durst .

Ha , ha , ha .

Dost thou hear me , thou vain Fop , thou Lover in imagination only ; had'st thou no body else to abuse , no Sempstress's Daughter , or Suburb-Mistress , no Merchant's Wife , or Captain's Sinner , People that have no Reputation , and yet want none ; but your rude Tongue must play with the fair Honour of one unknown : A Lady too , by Heaven , whose Maiden-thoughts , did they once start aside , warm'd by Desire and youthful Blood , on sight of such a filthy lump of Lewdness , wou'd recoil back , and cool again to Vertue .

Hold , Willmot , now you are too unconscionable ; the Knight is sensible of it already : What shou'd he do with a Mistress , write Anagrams upon her Name , or Posies for a Ring ? He dares appear no where abroad with her ; not at the Play-house , for there the Orange-wenches wou'd ridicule him ; nor at Church , where the Dogs wou'd bark at him ; besides , he can't tell how to write a Billet-deux genteely , unless it be in Rhime : And you know , Sir Arthur , 't is ten to one , but she 'd pin that at your back again the next time you came to visit her .

Well , Gentlemen , I know my own Worth ; and all you can say , shall never lessen my good Opinion of my self ; and so I leave you : May Pride and ill Nature be your daily Companions . Exit . Roger .

Your Servant , Sir , ha , ha , ha : A pleasant Scene , this .

Your Worship's Pleasure ?

Thou hast dogg'd many a Woman upon occasion , and that very cunningly : Follow me now Sir Arthur ; house him , and learn his business there , if possible ; nay , make haste , thou 'lt loose him else .

I fly to serve you , Sir . Exit .

I confess it will be worth our discovery : 't will be a mortification both to him and Sir Simon , who wou'd utterly discard him , shou'd he know he touch'd the Lip of any thing that was not honourable .

May the Event answer our Expectations : But prithee what Lady is this , whose Honour thou hast so zealously defended ?

Why , 'Faith , one that may have no more than Sir Arthur wou'd allow her , for ought I know : She has Wit and Beauty enough for a Whore ; and if her Honesty can't keep pace with both , she may be what he fancy'd her ; but as yet I have better thoughts of her . In short , it was Clarinda .

The Devil ' t was !

The very same , Man .

't is strange he did not know her , being so near a Neighbour !

Not so , considering she came but last Friday , and has been scarce twice abroad e'er since .

I fancy , Frank , this piece of Generosity , did she hear of it , must needs do more with her than a whole Year spent in formal Courtship .

Hear of it ! Not for the World : 't will make her proud and careless of her own Honour , when she thinks she has got a Champion to maintain it ; besides , I shall be laugh'd at for a meer Knight-errant , and the Avenger of distress'd Damosels . No , I had rather be her Ladyship's Pimp , than Hector ; therefore no Words of it if you love me : But how Sir Arthur will carry 't off when he sees her , will be worth our Observation .

Like one who has his Sins set full before him .

I warrant it worth all our other Mirth ; but , come , 't is time we were there .

Allons , Fairly . Now for Marina .

Did you never speak to her yet ?

Not since my return from Travel : 't is true , before I went , we grew up into an innocent Familiarity , grounded upon the Friendship of our Parents ; nay , sometimes her un-experience wou'd let fall something , my eager hopes did then interpret the Signs of Love : But she was young , and , as my Fears now tell me , scarce knew the Name .

I warrant thee , Man , Girls of Fourteen know as much as their Mothers ; and , at Fifteen , are of as ripe Experience .

Well , Fortune be my Friend .

Be thy own , Ned ; and then a Fig for fortune .

Good Lord ! I have been crossing my self , and devoutly saying my Pray'rs this Morning , for fear of the Devil , and the very first thing I meet proves to be him . Well , I 'll pray no more , if these be their effects .

No , Child , you know Prayers without Charity are always inffectual ; and 'till thou hast some for me , thine must necessarily prove so .

Yes , 'Faith , and in good health ; try me else .

Softly , softly , Sir , and I believe in want of nothing . You wear good Cloaths , and , I dare say , feed well : Your Face speaks as much .

Dost thou like it then ?

Yes , as I wou'd a well-drawn Picture ; that feeds the sight with Pleasure afar off ; but approach near it , and its Beauty 's lost .

The Devil thou dost : A pretty Comparison , ' Faith . Dost thou take me for a piece of Arras ; a thing in a Frame , set to adorn your Ladyship's Closet ; the silent Witness of your secret lewdness ?

No hold there , Sir , I've scarce so good an Opinion of you ; so far from thinking you wou'd conceal what you see , that I believe you wou'd tell more than you know .

So far from that , Sweet-heart , that let a Lady be kind to me overnight , and 'Faith , I forget it quite next Morning ; nay , I scarce think of her , or her business , ever after .

A fine Commendation this , and a great Encouragement . 'Pray' Sir , forget me then ; nay , Sir , keep farther off , or I shall call my Aunt .