A map of merry conceites wherein is contained much mirth which may yeeld pleasureto [sic] the reader, delight to the hearer, content to the buyer, profit to the seller, and hindrance to no man : the book : all you that doe spie me, come quickly & buy me, if once you doe [sic] try me, you will not deny me / by Laurence Price.

A MAP OF MERRIE CONCEITES .

CVrteous spectators that my verses heare , Stand not amaz'd but come a little near , Vnto your view I purpose to present A little book which yéelds much merrimē I have in hand no monstrous beast to brag on As Parkers Oxe , nor Trundles mighty Draggon : Bevis of Hampton , nor great Warwicks Earle , Which ventur'd life and blood to gain a girle , Nor would I have you think me so mistaken To write of Faustus , or old Fryer Bacon , Of Pluto nor of Proserpine of hell , Which might affright you no such newes I le tell , I am not us'd to cringe , to bend or crouch , Or cousen money out of Maudlins pouch . No no , my muse is otherwise inclin'd , They that peruse these lines may quickly finde A remedy for melancholy sits , I will kick a fool into some riper wits : Women that to the Alehouse doe resort , T will make them laugh and find them pretty sport , Then buy my Pamphlet , read it at your leasure , T will serve to passe the time , and do you pleasure .

AN Vsurer that had more store of gold Then all his coffers , chests , and trunks would hold , Went to a Neigbour poor that dwelt close by , Intreating him an simple curtesy , Which was to give him leave till Lamas day Five bags of Rudocks in a room to lay Of th' poor mans house , who quickly gave consent He should lay in his gold , and pay no rent ; Which being done , the dore hee lockt up fast , But mark the jest , here comes the best at last , This poor man found another way unto Old Magus bagges ; and made no more ado But very boldly to the place did enter , And manfully upon the gold did venture , Not long time after he went to the Town , and bought his wife a petticoat and gown , Silk Apron , dainty Ruffs , and Hose and Shooes , A heaver hat the best that he could choose : Kings to her fingers of the purest gold , With other garments Gorgious to behold : Thus she that lately went as poor as may be Was now adorned like a petty Ladie , His children must with costly fare be fed , Which had before want both of drink and bred , This caus'd their neigbours all within the parish Wonder much strangely thus to see them florish , Some surely thought that he rob'd for gain , And others said he had some rich man slain ; Many reported that his deeds were evill , And that his soul was given to the devill : Else how quoth they could he that was so poore Abound in wealth and have of gold such store : In short time after as it did appear This news was brought unto old Magus ear , Who in milde rage , as feirce as any snaile , Came to the house thinking for to prevail , With lofty spéech he did his gold demand , And swore that he must have it out of hand : Why quoth the poor man , Sir , you have the key , But for your gold you must a long time stay ; I gave you leave to bring in bags of worth , But I not give you leave to fetch them forth : Now how this Iarre did end to i 's unknown , But yet I hope the poor man held his own .

A Dainty couple which were newly wedded And scarce had 40 nights together bedded : The man was oft possest by his next neighbor , That his young wife did undergoe a labor , Which was unfitting he should so confute him , For it was prov'd she often did cornute him , This valiant horned man séem'd well contented , And of his marriage he no jot repented , For why , quoth he , she learn'd it of her mother , Precept nor pattern took shée of no other , When as her man and she were newly marryed Things in like order then with them were carryed , But when she came to be lame , blind , and aged , Her friends would for her honesty stand ingaged , And for my part I doe suppose her daughter Either lives honest now , or will hereafter ; I will not with ill terms my wife importune , I think 't was not her fault but my bad fortune : And fith that she 's inclin'd to be so merry , I le be as boon , and tipple sack and sherry : What care I for the voyce of Common people Though every word séems higher then a stéeple , Let Will and Bes and Tom against me mutter , I do not care a pinne for all their clutter , Perhaps that some will say I am the richer Because my wife was such an excellent stitcher : Another says I have a very dull head , A third man calls me by the name of Bull head : And this shall never move me to displeasure , So that my wife brings in good store of treasure .

THE CROSSING OF PROVERBS . Pro .

HE may swim that is held up by the chin .

Cros .

But not with a millstone tyed about his middle .

Pro .

Give a man luck and cast him into the sea .

Cros .

And so he may have the luck to be drowned .

Pro .

The breath of a wanton is swéet at the first .

Cros .

But at last more loathsome than poyson .

A fool will be won to do any thing .

No , not any good thing .

A fool will be won with a bable .

Not so , a crafty fool will not .

Wise men are never deceived .

Yes sometimes with a woman .

Hée that digges a pit for another man falls in himselfe .

But not if he be the Sexton of the Parish .

No man will change an old friend for a new .

Yes , if once he falls into poverty .

He that will not work shall not eat .

Not so , for many times hée that workes least eats most .

Pro .

He that will lye will steal .

Cros .

Not if his hands be bound behind him .

He that hath a scold to his wife cannot bée at quiet .

Yes , when he is far enough from her .

He that doth good is repayed with evill .

But not all times .

A barking dog will bite .

But a snarling cur will both bark and bite .

You never heard a fish wife Cry stinking fish .

Yes once in Southwarke .

He that buyes dear must sell dear .

Not so , there are many that buyes dear to give away .

Tobacco as some say cléereth the eye sight .

But I never will beléeve it .

The love of a Harlot doth not last long .

Yes , so long as a man hath one Groat in his purse .

Choice fare , strong drink , and warm clothes wil lengthen thy life .

Not if it bring in its mace to arrest thée .

One cold drives out another .

Not when Witold drives out Cuckold .

The blind eat many a flye

But not in Christmas holydays .

Like Master like man .

Not so , Many an honest Master hath had a knave to his Man .

It is a rare thing to have a beautifull wife .

Not except she be honest .

It is a good thing to have a loving wife .

Not if shée love another man better than her husband .

It is an excellent thing to have a quiet wife .

Not if shée be dumb and cannot speak .

Pro .

It is a happy thing to have an honest wife .

Cros .

Not unlesse shée bee endued with some other vertue .

He is wise that kéepeth a secret hidden .

But not if it be to his own hurt .

He is wise that revealeth a secret .

Not if it be to wrong a friend .

The taste of water spoyles the voyce .

Not of a Goose .

Hear , sée , and say nothing .

Not so , least thy throat be cut while thou keep silence .

Lyars have very short legges .

But they have very long tongues .

To be carefull is an excellent gift .

Not except it be guided with discretion .

Better give the wool than the shéep .

Not if the shéep be rotten .

Set a théef on horseback and he will ride .

Not far if he méet with the gallowes .

It is never good to choose a wife by the light of a Candle .

Yet she may be better by Candle than by Daylight ,

Children and fools tell all .

Not if they cannot speak .

A Tapster sometimes thrives backwards .

T is not the Tapster t is his wife .

Time is a proud Champion .

Not so , for hee will runne away from every one .

He that lives without a wife saves charges .

Not if he spend more in a Bawdy house than will maintain a family .

He the waiteth on a whore shall lose his labour .

Not so , he may chance to be paid with a pox .

Pro .

Hee that goeth to bed without a supper may rise an hungry .

Cros .

Not so , he is not sure ro rise alive .

A wrangler will pick out the eyes of another .

But not if they be blind before .

He that loves me will love my hound .

Not if he eat up the butter .

Words and déeds are all one .

Not amongst Dissemblers .

A fat Goose is meat for a man .

Not when the Fox méets with her .

The great fish eat up the small .

But not before they catch them .

Conscience was hanged long agoe .

Not so , he was hanged that used no conscience .

Hottest love is soonest cold .

Not so , a faithfull friend will say and hold .

The biggest is the best .

Not so , a Lark is better than a Kyte .

It is a brave thing to have store of gold .

Not if thou be carried to prison for it .

Tell a tale to a Mare and shée will give thée no thanks .

Yes , the clean contrary way .

When Fortune pipeth then is good time to dance .

But not if thou hast no legs .

A Drunken wife néeds no Porter .

Yes , to carry her home .

Good Ale makes the heart light .

But not if it overload the stomack .

If the Mare trot the Colt wiil trot also .

Not if he be lame and cannot goe .

A joyfull heart makes a fair face .

But not in a black-moore .

Pro .

Love them that love thée .

Cros .

Not if they be harlots .

P :

Kick a gauld horse and he will winch .

C :

Not if he be dead :

P :

He that hath due to the Bée wil have the hony :

C :

Not so , he may be dismist of both :

P :

He that wakes all night may sléep all day :

C :

Not when a Souldier is in the face of his enemy :

P :

A Taylor may be an honest man :

C :

Not when hee cuts thrée sléeves for one garment :

P :

Wisdome is a rare part in a Damsell :

C :

But not if she be adicted to folly :

P :

A sword is a dangerous weapon :

C :

Not till it be drawn :

P :

Manhood best becomes a souldier :

C :

Not if he flye from his Colours .

P :

He shoots well that hits the mark :

C :

Not if it be to his own undoing :

P :

To pick a mans purse is flat felony :

C :

Not women pick their husbands purses :

P :

A drunkard is a Gentlemans fellow :

C :

Not so , he is not worthy to he a Beggers companion :

P :

Butter is good for any thing :

C :

But not to stop Ovens with :

P :

Every true Miller hath a golden thumbe :

C :

Not so true , the Miller hath a thumb of flesh .

P :

Meat well boyled hurteth no body :

C :

Yes the Hostis if it be not well paid for :

P :

A new broom swéeps clean :

C :

Not if a lazy huswife hath it in handling :

P :

Good deeds are repayd with evill :

C :

Not with good minded people :

P :

A lusty horse is a trusty servant :

Cros .

That 's not so if he cast his Master on the ground .

Pro .

An unhappy boy bréeds a good man .

That 's not so , a good man bréeds an unhappy boy .

A quean is better than a slut :

That 's not so , for a slut can but poyson the body , & a quean will poyson both body and soule .

Nothing so much out of request as an old horse

Yes an old Servingman .

A Bucks horn and a Cuckolds horn are alike .

That s not so , for a Buck sheds his horn once a year , and the Cuckold sheds his horns scarce once in his life time .

Short and sweet .

Not if it taste like a Crabbe .

Nothing more subtle than a whore .

Yes , the Devill .

The longer he liveth the more wit he wil have .

Not if he be an Ideot .

A beautifull woman gives content to her husband .

Not if she dub him knight of the forked order .

Pride and Lust commonly goe together .

Not when a whore is brought to the whipping-post .

He that will swear will lye .

Not if he bear a good conscience .

The Knavery of the Miller . A Gentleman once walking on the way , Met with Tom True the honest Millers boy , A pound of Candles he had in his hand , The Gentleman did earnestly demand , To know the reason why he used still To carry such store of candles to the Mill . Sir , said the boy , wée soon shall have good sport , For why , my Master means to kéep his Court : So being parted at that instant season , The man within himself began to reason , What Court the Miller kept , and therefore he , Was thus resolved , that he would goe sée . And comming to the Mill late in the night , He did perceive therein a mighty light , So coutching close under a bush hard by , He thought in time some knavery to spy : At last he heard a very large Oration Made by the Miller like a Proclamation , With a loud voyce , next after his O yes , He did begin his spéech as followeth this . Boy make good chaste , with spéed unty each sack , And sée what customers of late we lack , The pretty Lad did as his Master bid him , But yet unséen the Gentleman still hid him , And so the Miller straight upon the same , Cald all his Customers each one by name : Come Thomas Gull appear with spéed in sight , Or else thou shalt be mearct by this good light : Bring Steeven Goose , William Woodcock too , Else boy I charge thée make no more adoe , Discharge thy conscience , finish up the rrouble , And every one that comes not mearce him double : The man unséen much wondred at the same , At last he heard them call upon his name , And fearing least his sack would pay a fine , Crydout , hold , hold , I am a friend of thine . This word throughout the Mill made all amazed , And with their candles up and down they gazed ; Though long they looked , no man they could sée , Which made the Miller think assuredlie , For his misdealing , and his base demerit , His Mill and he were haunted by some spirit . Whereby into a frenzie straight he fell , His peuter nose made shew he was not well , His hoary hair from his bald head fell down , Scarcely one honest hair left on his crown , And quaking in the place where he did stand , Not one true finger left on his right hand ; And many griefs sutable with the same , Which now would be too long for me to name , In this distresse he took him to his bed , And since that time Tom True the Millers dead . Therefore to end my theme I hold it best , You may conceive all this is but a jest .

The Drunkards Dream . A Country fellow being potifi'd , Lay down to sléep fast by the high way side , And as this Pot-companion was a sléeping , Morphus his vitall sences had in kéeping : Mean while a Traveller that passed by , And seeing him so much at randome lye , Awaked him and straight upon the same , Desired him for to unfold his dreame ; For why quoth he I sée you often start , By which I know that in your inward part You were possest with some prodigious sight , Which in your sléep did greatly you afright . The man starts up like one being in a maze , And on the Traveller did wistly gaze , And presently his dream began to tell , I have quoth hée séen all the rooms in hell , But since my memory so dull is grown , That every severall I cannot make known . I will relate what I can best remember , Me thought t was done in the month of September An Ale-wife first was by a demi-devill Brought in because indéed her déeds were evill , Her chiefest customers she used to gull , And never fild her pots to poor folks full , Beside the dropings of the tap she 'ld send And bring false reckoning to her néerest friend , And oftentimes her tongue would bréed much strife Twixt many an honest neighbour and his wife . And then me thought this Alewife for her trouble Was in the Stygian Lake tormented double . Soon after her presented were thrée queans , Who by ungodly dealings got their means , Their faces painted , and their golden locks , But all their noses painted with the pox , And for their earthly pleasure now their gain , Is to be punished with a lasting pain . And after them me thought apace did wander A foulsome Baud , a Cut-purse and a Pander , Numbers of Rookes that in the fields lay playing , When t was more fit they should have been a praying Sherkers & cheters in great crowds came prancing As if the Devill kept a school for Dancing : Chandlers also to shew their weights & measure , And mony mongers with great heaps of treasure : Bakers also for sizing of their bread , Bewayling of the time they were missed : Brewers came with them onely for this matter , Because they left out malt and put in water . The Traveller being weary of his talk , Sayd Friend farewell , for now I must go walk ; And so they parted both I know not whether , I think indéed they stayd too long together .

A Fare from Wapping . A Wench néer Wapping lately was espy'd , With a young fellow by a hedges side , And as t is said in midest of their bravery , Two boat men took them in the height of knavery , And with a Ropes end they the fellow basted , But the poor wench a greater torment tasted ; For she was brought before some men at last The which on her their censures quickly past , That she should then unto a boat be tide And so be drawn unto the other side . Fast to the stern end they then her bound , She thought of nothing but she should be drownd , But they had quickly row'd her throw the water , And charged her to live honest ever after : Now when she felt her self upon the ground , In short time after she her tongue had found , And with a voyce both lusty stout and bold She did begin to fret , fume , chafe and scold . Are you the men , said she , would hang or drown me Or doe you think at this time to confound me : No , no , alas your labor is in vain , For I will surely to the sport again : You say that you have washt me clean and swéet , The betters for my friend when we doe méet : Yet in this way it may bée understood That this same washing hath done me much good , He that before would give me but a crown , Shall now pay twenty shillings ready down .

If you think the Book is not worth your money , Here 's a Song at the later end is worth a penny . To the tune of Last Christmas t was my chance . I Am asham'd to see Such antick foolish fashions As up and down doth flee , Besides such altrations As there bee . Both men and women to Their shapes doe so abuse , How ugly doe they show In their forked tin-to'd shooes When as they go . A pride likewise some take In poudring of their shoulders When nits or meale will make As brave a sight to the beholders I dare speak . On their codpisses they l wear Sorts of Ribons plenty , And vapor , rant , and tear When their pockets they are empty I dare swear . I met one in the street Her face was daubd with spots But when I did her greet I thought she had the pox Her breath was so sweet . Your tin-to'd boots & shooes , Black paches & painted faces , Every dragletail now doth use And no smockes upon their Ar — es That 's no news . If Diogenes had lived In these times of altrations , He would a blusht to see Such antick foolish fashions As now there be . For fear I should offend In this harmlesse dity , I 'l stop my tongue and end , Truth now is blam'd that 's pity My dear friend .

FINIS .